#a) a fake thing they made up for clout and b) if it was real that would not be healthy and as such not cute??? tf???

[lys-jeorge]

Never look at reddit posts you think might be a bad idea to look at, they will be a bad idea to look at

[destinyc1020]

You may have answered this before but what do you think about every couple in Hollywood being called PR? I don’t necessarily think fake relationships are as prevalent these days as it used to be . Social media kinda changed the need , clout chasing became so much easier . Also it’s kinda a thing that people date within the workplace right?

Hey Anon! 👋🏾

Lol yes, I've addressed the "every couple is PR" topic many times before on my blog.

Bottom Line: I really think that some fans in some fandoms use the whole "PR" excuse in order to cover up or nurse feelings of jealousy or anger at seeing their fave celebrity guy dating a woman who they perhaps don't think is right for him. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I notice they will also claim that the guy is somehow "trapped" 🙄 by the woman (or her family) in this "PR" arrangement, even though he's a GROWN adult male, simply because they just cannot fathom or wrap their heads around the fact that their fave celebrity guy just might actually LIKE the woman he's dating, and might even.... *gasp!* actually love her. 🫣🙊

While I DO think that there are SOME PR couples that do exist in Hollywood (Benana and Shawmilla def seemed like PR to me lol 🤭👀) , like you, I think they're actually more rare these days than fans realize. (Someone can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)

I also think fans need to recognize the difference btwn a couple that is actually "fake"/"PR", vs. a couple that is a REAL couple that simply just uses PR to their advantage for their careers/buzz (ie. Which is what I sometimes suspect about Ben & JLo, and Austin & Kaia, for example).

Here are several posts I've made on the topic before down below.

Happy Reading!! 📚 😁🤭

[whenemmafallsinlove]

What happened? Are you alright?

not really. to give you a rundown

1. a few weeks ago i was sad that taylor nation didn’t see something i tweeted. and i hadn’t been taking my antidepressants so i was already not doing well. so i tweeted i was sad about it. and bc my twitter has randomly blown up from 2k to 11k, the tweet got attention and i got hate for it. (was it really about being sad about taylor nation? no, but i don’t know how to cope with the real life things i’ve actually been dealing with so i channeled those feelings into something stupid)

2. i noticed some “friends” of mine softblocked me and asked why. never will i make that mistake again. (also, to me my mutuals are my friends… or acquaintances i guess? but my use of the word friend really upset some people)

3. when they ignored me i was sad and tweeted something along the lines of “it sucks when someone you thought was your friend softblocks you” and then also later said it was bringing up memories of when my “friends” were mean in grade school… which it did, like i wasn’t making that up

4. the main person instigating all this really had a field day with that saying it was insane behavior to compare softblocking to bullying etc etc. i blocked

5. days later i made a twitter thread of tour tips answering questions people had. like, questions people were asking me. so i was just responding. the thread blew up so i tweeted “my venmo is xyz /joking” like with the tone indicator joking because it was a joke that everyone does under their hit tweets. a couple people venmoed me a dollar and i was laughing with them about it but sent it back obviously!! but i ended up getting a bunch of hate for that and for the thread. people claimed i was just chasing clout etc. i deleted the venmo part and apologized

6. to me this is the only real thing i did wrong. i tweeted that it was funny to me that i was pissing big name swifties off with my tour thread. i shouldn’t have said that and i am sorry for it but i can’t undo the past. anyways people had a field day with the big name swiftie thing and just saying i preach kindness but i’m actually a huge asshole etc (all of this mainly started by that one person)

7. i thought i had blocked that person but i’ve been periodically going thru and removing our mutual follows to fully cut ties because i’m tired of being harassed by them. at some point i guess i forgot to block them again bc they saw me tweet about the fake taylor nation account today and posted a mean video about it. i said that i was begging them to leave me alone and they responded that they were begging me to shut up.

8. i went private and people were screenshotting my tweets and sending to that person. so id finally had enough so i blocked and also used a third party app to chain block all their followers to remove whoever was following me just to screenshot my tweets and send them to people i’ve blocked. and now everyone and their mom is making fun of me on twitter and that’s what you missed on glee

honestly with the way people are treating me you’d think i committed literal murder or something but no i literally just had the audacity to have feelings and remove a toxic person and their followers from my life. i only did the chain block because i knew that a) the person who was screenshotting my stuff clearly followed both of us and b) i didn’t want to be That Person who is like “everyone please unfollow xyz”

[papirouge]

"DiCaprio and his barely legal beards". Wait, what? Are you implying that he's gay 😳? Spill the papi tea!!!

KWKSNKSJDUAIWKZLAOS

I think there's a misunderstanding: I meant "beard" in the sense of PR stunt fake relationship with all these modelt/yachters, etc.. I know this term is usually for closeted gay men in fake PR relationships with women, but my fingers proceeded faster than my brain on this one, sorry 😭

So no, I have no tea about Di Caprio being gay but there are plentiful of Blind Items saying he can't get it up anymore and that he gets contractual gf for an amount of times because regular women can't put up with his 'problem'. In return these women get some clout/15 min of fame. So it's a win/win.

There's definitely a "gay mafia" in the entertainment industry though. The most slept on being in the rap scene because rap is dominated by Black men that as stereotyped as the most manly and homophobic, but this gay mafia is all about reinforcing their power more than embracing their sexuality. They want to dominate and humiliate men that aren't into men to begin with. That's why they target straight young men and try to push them into homosexual acts. Some refuse, but accept bc they know it will advance their career. A bunch of rap/r&b talent are rumoured of being sex abuse victims themselves (Usher, Omarion - note they both been spotted while being teens).

Puff Daddy is infamous for being bi and abusing young talents as a 'deal' to sign them up. His buddy Rick Ross too. Lil Wayne kissed several of his male buddies on the lips.... Kid Cudi..

Lil Bow Wow got REAL defensive when his buddy Omarion got compared to Chris Brown saving "nobody touches my man(...)" and many people side eyed him big time lmao

(the Bow Wow tantrum is at 2:20)

Many wannabe rapper made video saying how they got pushed into having sex from their execs or even witnessed B- rappers engaging in gay sex, but these video quickly get down from YouTube. I vividly remember one rookie rapper saying he witnessed Trippie Redd sleeping with a men in his couch...

To get back at White actors, I heard that Taylor Lautner was a closeted and that his past relationships were PR/beards (some also say that's the reason his career never took off). Same for Hugh Jackman LMAO

Wildest thing I heard is Timothée Chalamet sharing more me than a platonic friendship with Kid Cudi but I believe it IDC lmaooo

Just look at that. They look like the freaks roaming around Le Marais during Paris fashion week👽

[rethesun]

Is there a name for middle lane larries?

Topic: An opinion on larry

I think there is substantial compelling evidence, but I'm not 100% convinced that there is still something but it’s possible there is we just don’t see.

If someone calls me a larrie, it's not insulting at all, but if someone were to call me an anti i’d be sad, honestly. Below I say many things that make it seem like I negatively judge hardcore larries, but I don't. I find it extraordinary that people can be so brave and sure of themselves, and I wish I could be too. I tend to get along with larries, while I mostly avoid antis unless they manage to be respectful, which is unfortunately quite rare. 

I think it's practically effortless to get toxic when trying to prove or disprove things. I think it's dehumanizing and feels stressful to me as a fan. Therefore I can only imagine the difficulty and what it takes for people in a position of fame to get to a place of inner strength and resilience where the millions of opinions of the world don't affect them as much. It's sometimes hard to judge/differentiate what is and isn't disrespectful, and it hurts terribly to know I'm crossing boundaries. So I'm putting my opinion together in hopes it isn't as counterproductive or pointless as it feels.

I'm not at all trying to convince anyone of a narrative to sway people to believe or not believe. What and how much you know and where you "stand" is down to you. 

Do I believe in larry? 

First and foremost, being a fan of someone means supporting that person without expecting anything from them. It means any fan theory isn't crucial. What’s important is just supporting them as is, as an individual. It means caring about how the person may feel about things more than caring about how I feel about things that aren't my business in the first place. 

That said, here is my not long-awaited opinion.

I think there is substantial compelling evidence, but I'm not 100% convinced that there is still something but it’s possible there is we just don’t see. I will not disregard what Harry and Louis said back in the day and pretend they had nothing when at the very least, Harry said it on video directly twice. Yes, he was a kid, but people will decide Harry is with a skinny blonde woman older than him for much less, so I don't take what he said as a platonic joke. However, I try to be as realistic as possible. As an outsider, it's not easy for my brain to conclude on most things. However, this doesn't mean I disregard how bad the industry can be. One big reason is that I don't know any of these people personally, and I want to believe in the best in others. Even though I understand controlling narratives in the industry happens and happened to 1D. I don't know to what extent. It's hard for me to judge that any or all of Harry's "relationships" are fake, and thus, he's had a few "stunt" songs for those relationships, etc. It’s plausible that he wrote female pronouns on a song or a few and the song refers to a man/men but that's far from saying this is a stunt song which would imply an entire fake relationship which is too far for me to say wasn't real as I am just an outsider. 

Whether people say it's the fans who say it or the boys behavior, the statement, 'larries ruined their friendship,' is sometimes interpreted as centered around homophobia. I do not see it this way.

However, whether there was or is a relationship, it's entirely reasonable to consider, the circumstances as a whole hurt them and likely the rest of the band in multiple ways that made things really hard. I do not think fans ruined the band or their connections with each other. I think being overworked with little freedom or breaks to discover/express independence were just a few reasons why.

Why I think larry appeared to become distanced to the public eye: 1. Understandably, putting blame on the heteronormative gender restrictive times we were in and still are in. 2. How some fans react to Larry's interactions due to reason number one. Otherwise, all the 1D members, their families, and friends have been honest. That would mean there isn't an elaborate conspiracy; they are just tired of people messing with who they care about and want to live without the harassment. Regardless of whether some fan theories are accurate or not, people in the spotlight and their families deserve peace of mind. They don't deserve to be dehumanized. I wish some fans would understand how wrong it is to swarm people or ask strangers to confirm any personal things. Not only because it's rude and invasive but because of mental health. If that's confusing, imagine if it were you in their position.

I used Zayn's interview because he shared it eloquently while the other mentions that ‘Larry isn't real’ were mostly screen captures of constituents replying impatiently to larry comments on social media saying the Larry thing is delusion and not what real fans do.  Zayn in this 2015 fader interview. "There's no secret relationships going on with any of the band members," he explains. "It's not funny, and it still continues to be quite hard for them. They won't naturally go put their arm around each other because they're conscious of this thing that's going on, which is not even true. They won't do the natural behavior." He goes on to add to the statement, "But it's just the way the fans are. They're so passionate, and once they get their head around an idea, that's the way it is regardless of anything. If it wasn't for the passionate, like almost obsession, then we wouldn't have the success that we have." Before the subject changes, Zayn said that fans would find a way to water down what he said and make any excuses, e.g., that he couldn't speak the truth.

I can't speak for anyone but myself. (I’m a queer cis female) I don't think I would want to 'get dragged through a round of 'coming out' press. Why should sexuality be treated as an oddity by the median, and why should queer people have to subject themselves to that treatment?' The amount of coming out stories and things that could follow a person, or the people around, in the aftermath, would be atrocious. People, personally and professionally, may treat you differently after. The queer stereotypes would be exhausting. Also, it's not always as safe sometimes to be out. Whether there was/is a relationship at all between 1D members. “Being open to everyone isn't easy. Now imagine yourself no less human than right now, but add millions of eyes on you. It's insensitive to assume about someone when they could be doing their best/what is comfortable—please let's stop invalidating what we don't understand.”

Zayn's career connects to Hollywood, and he’s in the spotlight so it's not easy to suddenly believe everything I hear and see is the truth just because someone like him said it. However, at the same time, it's rather discomforting for me to disregard and look into everything people like Zayn or his constituents say. I want to believe the best in people and sympathize and “back him up” in a sense. It's also way to hard to believe all things other fans say because we are passionate and obsessed, so there is confirmation bias. 

Do I concretely believe anything? 

Yes, but those things don't directly confirm or deny anything especially Larry.

I believe the boys were responsible for RBB & SBB.

I have some reason to believe the song Carolina could be about experimentation with drugs since Johnny Cash's Cocaine-Carolina song is plausibly similar. Also, it's not uncommon if you're wealthy or famous to experiment with drugs, including harmful drugs; the environment can make it more accessible and normalized. I don't condone drug abuse; I hope Harry is wise enough not to make it a reoccurring thing. I want him naturally happy and healthy, but it's not my life, and I don't know him to have any right in making that call. I trust from Harry's character and what he said in his Zane Lowe interview that he knows better. However, the song Carolina might be about Townes or maybe it's both, I have no clue. 

I believe SOTT is about "fundamentals" like Harry said it is, not just from the perspective of 'a mother telling the child to go forth and conquer.' I notice some people readily look over the childbirth story, saying 'it makes no sense,' but it can easily coincide with fundamentals, "Equal rights for everyone, all races sexes, everything." Check out this in depth lyric analysis?

I think most of us know and support that Harry is a proud member of the community. If he wasn’t he’d just say that. 

I think maybe COAC and SOTT may have been collaborative. There are multiple writers on both songs and if it’s possible to have a ghost writer then I say it's plausible they chose to write them similarly. 

I think Louis possibly queer codes. Straight people don’t queer code so you might think it’s queer baiting but I don’t think someone sick of gay rumors would go that route. Either that, or he's a passionate and sympathetic ally.

However, Louis is still "with" E. From a perspective of committed fans, it doesn't look like a sincere relationship. As an outsider, again, it feels far too presumptuous for me to have a B&W opinion.

It seems that adults with somewhat official platforms let rumors run rampant, and not many grown adults of the time seemed to correct or silence it. I should have said this early and cannot stress this enough, ANYONE who is not the Louis Tomlinson or in his family tree is in no way an official source. If they're acting like they know things (not just reporting on what's happening), they were/are either trolling or want people to freak out for clout. Being led astray by people looking to capitalize on fans is always a danger. It's insensitive, inappropriate, and unprofessional, but it happened. I am surprised by that and that 1D's management didn't try to protect Louis and his image more. I’m not an insider able to judge him negatively or to overanalyze the situation. So I won't assume he's not a dad, and I hope he's doing well.

(About the above paragraph about Louis this is an update after the original post I made to say I don't have a further developed opinion because I never looked into it and don't know if I will so don't hold that against me please I just personally don't feel like it’s a thing I need to do and I know larries don’t appreciate when non-larries make comments on things without thoroughly looking into things so you won’t see a further opinion from me or judgment unless I do actual research)

In conclusion, and to reiterate, I feel like there is some truth to some things. Again, it feels disrespectful or too presumptuous for me to have many opinions, especially of the negative kind, as an outsider. I don't know any of these people personally, and I want to believe in the best in others. I am not harshly judging things because I don't have a complete story or the right to. However, this doesn't mean I disregard how bad the industry can be to people in multiple ways.

As fans, we can do much better. It's not unreasonable to wish people didn't constantly objectify/sexualize people with fame and didn't harass them/their families about fan theories. Also, always wanting something from these people and expecting them to fulfill god-like expectations as if they don't go through the same human experience and aren't completely flawed like the rest of us, or stalking them—something sick and a behavior that's saddening and disgusting. Real fans just leave them be to live their lives. Please call out stalking and discourage it if you notice it. Overall, I think we can all be a bit more respectful and understanding or try to make an effort. I'm not a superfan, but I'd like to be genuine and not a reason why these people dislike being in the spotlight. I feel like that means being as grounded, realistic, and sensitive about how these people may feel about things more than caring about how I feel about things that aren't my business in the first place. It ultimately means any fan theory isn't crucial. What’s important is just supporting them as is, as individual.

[#’s are for exposure and may not correlate]

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - “DEMON” HOUSE

IMDB BLURB: Paranormal investigator and moldy walnut Zak Bagans documents the most authenticated case of possession in American history.

WARNINGS: Zak Bagans is a fucking asshole. Correllation is not causation. Also mentions of suicide and murder. 

RATING: An 8 out of 10 on the demon scale

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. 

Munch: I'm Munchflower Zaius, paranormal movie investigator. I've investigated like 10 terrible paranormal movies this week. I don't have a t.v. show but if I did it wouldn't be a ghost hunting show. I'm one of the leading researchers on ghosts and demonology because if Zak fucking Bagans is then so am I - and this is the movie that really fucked Biscuits up. This movie was the next paranormal activity, it was the next Asylum movie, and I went all out. I had resources like Amazon Prime, a great crew of just Biscuits, I thought I was gonna crush this review. But in the end...nothing was as it seemed.

M: Biscuits fell ill and couldn't leave his room for 8 days, he didn't feel like himself. He screamed and wailed and tore at his hair. (no really ) He drew pictures of Zak Bagans and set them on fire.  I fired him or he quit or something. Witnesses and experts ended up in the hospital and at the heart of it all was a little screwed up ghost hunter. It took us three years to write this review, we had everything we needed...but the truth is...this film is cursed. 

Biscuits: I hate this fucking movie. I have watched some terrible movies, we have reviewed some terrible movies. But this movie...this movie makes me angry beyond words. This movie makes me hate. This movie made me so furious that I not only hate it, I hate Zak Bagans, the man. I have never met him, but if I did, I think I would punch him in the balls. This review is going to be 90% me just screaming, because it makes me that mad. 

M: This is gonna be my fucking opening gif right here...

B: Oh yeah, this - there's a demon here in this fucking Amazon Prime video. He got in with his fucking 30-day free trial. Oooo it's gonna come get us! I'm so scared!!

M: ...

B: Oh, Zak "I-have-a-series-on-the-Travel-Channel" Bagins! Yeah, that makes you a qualified expert demonologist, Zak. "One of the world's LEADING researchers on ghosts and demonology" - no, no you're fucking not! What do you actually know about demons?? Also, let's add the fact that Zak Bagans is a terrible actor, and his monotone narration does nothing to improve the atmosphere of the movie.

B: It took him three years to finish this film, and it still sucks! Way to go buddy, it took us three days to make that potato salad!! THREE DAYS!

B: "This film is cursed!!" Yes it is, this is the curse! It's cursed to make me angry!

M: So spoopy! I'm spooped solid, are you spooped solid? Actually, if I had to say, my spoop level is actually somewhere along the levels of 'explosive diarrhea'.

B: This movie is explosive diarrhea. That's - that's a man whistling into the microphone, subtitled as 'wind whistling'. We are Zak Bagans' therapist for a minute, helping him dissect his dreams. One time I had a dream where I traded my non-existant son for two cool posters. I don't think THAT dream meant anything. Imagine a ghost hunter having dreams about ghosts!

M: Imagine a ghost hunter.

            Pictured: Zak Bagggggans confused by electrical equipment

B: We also introduce the idea of a 12-foot-tall goat man, who never really comes up in the movie again. Is that Orcus himself? Oh shit, this is getting real. I'm not high level enough to fight a demon lord!

M: The demon vaped in my face!

B: "And I knew...this was some serious shit that meant something." I COULDN'T make that shit up. Genuinely. What does it mean, Zak? Would you care to explain? I don't know what does it mean.

B: This movie is NOT actually about the well-known Gary, Indiana story of demon posession. It's mostly about Zak Bagins fucking around.

M: Mentally masturbating himself for being some sort of sick ghost expert. Why would anyone call Zak Bagans about this? I think he made that shit up.

B: So, basically, Zak Bagans bought this house in Gary, Indiana where this alleged possession took place. A newscaster pronounces his name as 'Zak Baggins'. Guys, Bilbo Baggins bought this haunted house! He bought it because he wanted to make a movie about it.

M: Why?

B: To convince everyone that his 'ghost hunting' career is legitimate and he shouldn't have dropped out of college. Useless footage of Zak Bagans convincing some homeless people to move out of this abandoned house. Don't get them involved in this, it looks very cold and they were probably just trying to find a warm place to warm place to stay. Don't get them involved in your shitty fake documentary.

M: Also, if this house is really like, MEGA haunted, why are homeless people hanging out in it? Homeless people ain't got time for ghosts.

B: No, they have real problems. Wow, this fuckin house looks like an empty house! Oh, this is the best part - he gets a text from a psychic medium. a warning he'll 'never forget', and we'll never forget either! He shows us this obviously voice-to-texted message claiming that he saw visions of a very large demon figure and that this house is, and I quote, an '8 out of 10 on the demonic scale'.

                                          Pictured: a demonic scale. 

M: I wanna see this fucking scale. I actually googled demon scale after watching this because I had never heard of a fucking demon scale. Guess what, there's no demon scale. If you have access to this demon scale, PLEASE message me. I have a mighty need to see this thing. 

B: WHAT the fuck is he talking about? Where is this demon scale?? Who made this demon scale?? This bitch just literally fucking made that shit up and thought we wouldn't notice.

M: And again, what exactly does this goat demon have to do with the house? What is the actual connection?

B: Does he just like hanging out there? Also, insert shots of some guy in a goat suit to make it seem scary. But we know that's just a guy in a goat suit. I guess that's what the demon is supposed to look like?

B: This also pisses me off - Zak Bagans and his crew track down this poor family by finding their home address from news footage, which is stalking, because they won't return his phone calls.

B: Also, let's not forget Zak's claim that a clairvoyant said this house was 'home to 200 demons'. WHAT?? Zak recounts some of the story of the family's supernatural experiences. But this is about him now! This movie is about HIM!

            Pictured: I really want to see his artistic rendering of this demon

M: He has about as much reverence for the supernatural as I have for him.

B: Also, they film these people from their car, perhaps as though they didn't want them to know they were being filmed! Good job Zak, stalking an innocent family to record them without their consent for your shitty, self-aggrandizing ghost show. At least they had the decency to blur faces.

B: They then say they don't want to have anything to do with the documentary. Zak Bagans makes up an excuse about how things have attached themselves to him from the house. Just leave these people alone. Problem solved. However, one guy is coerced into talking about what happened during the possession, which mostly affected the kids in the house.

M: I don't discount that something actually happened to the family that lived there, that they may have had some sort of supernatural experience. That's not really what I'm trying to say here - I just don't believe in Zak Bagans.

B: Or, whether it was supernatural or not, something obviously affected them that they perceived as paranormal that made them want to move out of the house. Of course, there are more realistic explanations for many of these experiences, but that's not what we're here to debate. Zak Bagans knows jack shit about parapsychology and is just pretending to for clout.

M: Imaginary clout... Also, these reenactments are the only good part of the movie. Props to those child actors.

     Pictured: children enjoying some fortnite just before becoming possessed.

B: Also, apparently, spirits are like velcro or something. I guess you can get 'infected' with ghosts. Watch out for that coronavirus, of course, but also, watch out for GHOSTS.

B: This priest performed definitely approved and legitimate excorcisms on this house I guess.

M: It's pretty hard to get one of those these days, but what do I know...

B: Yeah, we're not the world's leading experts on ghosts and demonology!

B: Zak Bagans inserts interview footage to make his fake documentary seem legit. If it was a real documentary about the Ammonses' experience, detailing  multiple points of view with people who actually know stuff about supernatural cases and/or parapsycology, it might be a good documentary. However, it is not. Zak Bagans does not know what a documentary is. He thinks he is so cool that he is the only expert necessary because he know EVERYTHING about ghosts.

B: Zak Bagans did not film this. He found footage and has nothing to say about it. He just wants you to believe that he knows stuff. I suppose it's context. But, as I've mentioned, this documentary isn't really about the Ammons family or their experiences in this house, it's about Zak Bagans.

M: All of this is just being set up to try to lend credence to the later part of this movie, which has nothing to do with any of this.

B: Zak Bagans heard someone else was having a demon party and wanted to be invited.

M: It's POSSIBLE, but it's extremely fucking unlikely. Anything is POSSIBLE. You're leading the audience, Zak.

B: Okay, if this was just a horror movie, one of those ones that's 'based ona true story', and Zak wasn't trying to pretend that this is all 100% real, it would be fine. I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it. As it is, it's Zak Bagans trying to convince us all that he's so, so cool. He has found DEFINITIVE proof of demons.

B: Of course it's creepy! It's a basement! It's like saying an attic is creepy - they're ALL creepy.

B: INDISTICT BACKGROUND NOISES??? THAT DON'T EVEN SOUND LIKE A VOICE?? Now we're getting into real ghost shit. While I don't believe Zak Bagans knows shit about ghosts or demons, he obviously has a lot of experience with indeterminate noises.

M: His entire show is indeterminate noises.

B: Ghost hunters LOVE indeterminate noises! Zak Bagans interviews a man about a weird noise on his recording. SO compelling.

B: An AM/FM radio went to static? There can't be any explanation for that other than ghosts... Zak also loves to make claims that he substantiates with NO evidence! It's almost as if he feels the FACTS might not be compelling enough. According to this police officer, the demons affect women and children physically, and 'stronger men electronically'.

M: No input on how it affects the weaker men, though.

B: Also, apparently, the epicenter of this demon outbreak is a spot of dirt under the stairs. Everybody knows dirt is demonic. Demons can't hide in concrete or solid flooring; they like a more naturalistic approach.

B: Aggravate OR abate the demon. Those seem like quite extreme options. Also, listen to the list of super spooky stuff the police officers dug up from the spot under the stairs: a pink press-on nail and PANTIES. Everyone knows a good demonic summoning ritual needs to involve lots of women's panties. VERY spooky. Also, a comb, two children's socks, a heavy bar, and a red tin. All very definitely demonic summoning artifacts and not just random items that got lost.

M: Zak refers to this pile of nonsense as a demonic altar.

                                     Pictured: one demonic altar 

B: This priest is on board too. He thinks these random objects are 100% demonic. Because of reasons. He believes it's NECROMANCY.

M: What does a priest know about necromancy? ...asking for a friend.

B: He knows it involves PANTIES.

M: I've never heard of a necromantic ritual that involves panties...not that I know anything about necromancy.

B: You know more than Zak Bagans does!

M: Ok, I am now an expert on necromancy, and hereby ALL necromantic rituals must involve women's panties...and uhh, a big stick, and a tin, and whatever else you've got laying around.

B: This cop assumed that this was a literal portal to Hell. That's where the panties came from.

M: HELL PANTIES.

B: That would be a great name for like...an all-female metal band. Or a really bad B-movie. Or both.

M: No way those panties could've gotten there any other way...demons is the only logical answer.

   Pictured: Detective Gruszka finally goes to the women’s section at Macy’s

B: THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME! No, wait, that always happens. "Half her hand went completely white" followed by a photo of half of her hand not being completely white.

                                      Pictured: a white person’s hand. 

M: Can I just take a moment again to say how much I don't like Zak Bagans?

B: So many unrelated people...confirmed that there was something on the blinds.

M: Which means...DEMONS ARE REAL! That's the only logical conclusion, right?

B: Insert shot of a spider, because that's SPOOKY.

M: Wow, it must be a lot easier to get an excorcism these days. 

M: Why did Zak Bagans record this phone call?

B: That's a very good fucking question!

M: Did he not? Is he just pulling this shit out of his ass for the camera?

B: His voice is so emotionless you can't tell.

M: Also, what relevance does this have to anything?

B: Big Hollywood producers only want money!! Unlike you, Zak, Zakary, who definitely DIDN'T make THIS movie for money or fame. This nonexistant 'other movie' about this story that is the source of all Zak's problems and DEFINITELY the reason the Ammons don't want to talk to him.

B: The homeless people and the landlord don't believe the house is haunted. That's Zak's version of trying to present a counter-point. Obviously, he never had to write an argumentative essay in school.

M: He was probably the guy in group projects who never did anything.

B: Homeless Person: "Money make you say a whole lotta stuff." Obviously, he's right.

                                   Pictured: no comment needed

B: "I'd like to find out rather the claims are real or false. I'm not here to fabricate nothing or sensationalize on anything..." ZAK.....................................go to hell.

B: You are here ENTIRELY TO fabricate stuff and sensationalize on stuff. That's why you made this MOVIE, Zakary.

M: Gosh it's crazy, it's almost as if money makes people say things.

B: It's almost as if maybe he thought you were paying him to say things for his movie. Did you slip that priest and that police officer some money 'to leave' too? "I'm not gonna tell you that until we sit down and make an agreement" YEAH IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE WANTS MONEY!

M: Zak Bagans is basically damning himself by leaving this in here...this guy's got it figured out, though.

B: He's not telling ghost stories, he's just explaining that this is profitable. Also, Zak does passively mention that there were members of the Ammons family who claim these alleged experiences did not go on. However, he doesn't understand what refuting a counterpoint actually is. It's almost like...he can't. Because, with paranomal shit, there's never enough evidence to truly confirm or deny.

M: "Wow"

B: Wow...insert 'wow' vine here. Oh, and this part where he intentionally brings up a photo he knows is fake and has been definitively debunked. SO, just don't include it!! Also, 'mold and other things' that could've psychologically affected the residents, including carbon monoxide. I have an idea, why don't we make this whole movie about a home inspector inspecting this house...

          Pictured: Munch had the mouse over the screenshot, fuck you. 

M: ALSO, all this shit is just in here to make Zak Bagans SEEM like he's exploring other avenues of explanation, which he then promptly abandons.

B: Zak Bagans has to explain to us (badly) what carbon monoxide and black mold can do to a person psychologically...perhaps causing side effects that can create or enhance the sensation that something supernatural is happening. "It's something to take into consideration." - but he won't.

B: "Some other normal explanation that was now being turned into a money grab." OH. I don't even have anything to say to that. You said it, not me. "Shit got crazy." That's how you know it's legit. Also, we are 32 minutes into this hour-and-a-half long movie, and we are now reaching the point where any sort of legitimacy goes right down the fucking toilet and we are flushed into the festering sewer of Zak Bagans' mind.

B: A family who used to live in the house shows up very conveniently to be in Zak's movie. These kids seem 'very convinced' there are demons. Some mildly supernatural hearsay is presented.

M: Also, point here - if Zak Bagans really believes that spirits can just attach themselves to anyone, then wouldn't he be deliberately endangering these people by taking them down into the basement?

B: An attributed quote that we didn't hear her say...because of course. And, if the basement reminds her of her DEAD BROTHER who used to stay there, that has nothing to do with demons, and is also a perfecty legitimate reason for her to not like going back into the basement after all these years.

                Pictured: A quote that nobody but Zak Biguns heard

M: Zak Bagans then proceeds to TELL THE CHILDREN that he JUST BROUGHT INTO THIS PLACE that demons can 'get inside of you and make you sick'. What, is he immune or something so he's not worried about it happening to him?

B: Also, this woman lived in the house in the 90s when she was only about 10 years old. It's almost as though, and I'm not making any claims here, that he wanted the Ammons family to be in his movie, and when they said no, he got a backup family to take their place in the script.

M: He knows all about possession, 'cause it happened to him.

B: No, for real. I was there. (I was the demon) He started doing ghost hunting because he got possessed once.

M: This is just an excuse for him to tell his origin story. Also, these kids look not on board at all with him being here.

B: Zak Bagans knows how to use Adobe Premiere. He's really proud of it. M: Again, if you believe all this is real, you are genuinely putting these people in danger. If they are legitimately afraid of ghosts following them, you are making it worse. Are you gonna come and save them, Zack?

M: I hate this fake 'EVP analysis' so much. "It SOUNDS like..." yeah, it can sound like anything if you tell people it does.

B: "What's wrong with this boy" is that you TOLD HIM that ghosts could latch onto him! Maybe he's SCARED because YOU SCARED HIM on purpose.

M: Then we get some black-and-white footage of Zak Bagans being a dick, and that's...proof of demons.

B: You pushed this guy a little bit. Honestly, it didn't look like you were pushing him that hard. It's also convenient that you weren't recording at the time but immediately started recording again as soon as you stepped out of the house, because this is all real, and definitely exactly how it happened.

B: These guys have to explain to Zak what he did, so that the audience can also get explained to what happened in the footage they just saw. I don't know anyone could have construed that as anything other than a genuine demonic possession.

M: He's not even a credible actor, like there's nothing believable about these performances. It's such shit. Zak Bagend must leave (for no reason) but then someone tries to break into what he repeatedly calls " My House" as if he lives there. Why would anyone want to break into his jank ass haunted house? This seems really unlikely. Zachhh says the cops won't go in the house. Too scared. Zak says it's " a different kind of haunting." Wtf does that even mean?

M: Zak is now interviewing the CPS worker from the case that this was supposed to be about.

B: Yeah you remember that?

M: No, not anymore. She seems credible, Zak Bagnnnns does not. I really don't believe he believes in any of this.

B: Yeah ask the woman about her emotional trauma, Zak. Ask a CPS worker about her trauma. Be like oh so this was a traumatic experience for you? You should talk about it with me for this shitty documentary!

M: She says her therapist told her to seek help. That's...pretty bad right? When your therapist says to seek help? Now some informative badly edited cards about things that allegedly happened in this house. Why didn't we hear anything from the home inspector who was choked in his sleep and got cancer??? That's some real shit!

                 Pictured: The one guy we really wanted to hear from 

B: This DEFINITELY had everything to do with demons. Demons are the #1 cause of cancer in the United States. They don't want you to know that.

M: Oh the fucking bike ride. On his way to do a second exorcism on Latoya ( why did she need a second exorcism?) this priest fell off his bike. Because demons.

B: Well you know it's not an exact science. I'd go so far as to say it's not science! It's not even science adjacent. Zak Bagel doesn't even know wtf science is.

M: I am literally laughing out loud. This priest says the demon was trying to figure out what would stop him from going forward with this second exorcism and the best thing this fucking demon, this 8 out 10 DEMON ON THE DEMON SCALE DEMON can come up with is knocking a dude off his bike?? Just get back on your bike, man.

B: This is my major problem with this movie, especially this second half. Zak Brainend presenting all this random shit that happened and blaming it on demons. This is the 21st century, we don't blame all our problems on demons. We don't live in the middle ages. This priest falling off his bike wasn't because of demons. 

M Correllation is not causation. This detective fucking slid on ice two days after being in the house and ended up in the ER. That is not because of demons.  Wait...is he interviewing him in the fucking ghost house?

B: And then he brings up him being shot during a home invasion and blames that on demons.

M: So he gets a call from Mika who was part of the backup family to tell him her daughter is in distressl WHY would you call Zak Braggans?

    Pictured: A girl with her face blurred out because I’m not Zak Bagans

B: This pisses me off. If this girl is actually suicidal and actually tried to kill herself, you don't put that in your shitty demon movie. If she's actually depressed and hurting herself you don't put that in there. It's not cool. It's very exploitative. You don't know anything about ths girl's mental illness or anything that's going on in her life. If this is all indeed real and not scripted, you're just a piece of shit!

M: But demons! 

B: Stay out of it Zak, this doesn't involve you. You're not a psychologist or a therapist, it's not your business. 

B: One of his crew members quits. Because of the demons.

M: And not because he thought maybe Zak exploiting a suicidal girl was bad. Where did they find this priest anyway, he seems so sketchy. 

B: I'm also pissed that they brought this suicidal girl in to have an EXORCISM. She needs mental help and therapy and a licensed person to help her. You don't give her an exorcism and go oh you're fine. When the exorcism doesn't work she's going to feel extra shitty. But whatever Zak, it's your fucking movie. You do whatever you want for your movie. Who am I to tell you what you can and can't do with a suicidal teenage girl. 

M: This confirms to me that this priest is sketchy as fuck. If he was reliable he would have said Zak no, this girl needs actual help. Zak is still blaming demons. I hate him so much. I hate his stupid douchebag face. 

B: And he sits here and puts this girl on camera and asks her questions about it. NO NO fuck you, genuinely fuck you Zak. Again, this is exploitative as shit. Trying to make cutting her wrists into being some kind of stigmata. Fuck you. This doesn't have anything with demons.

    Pictured: A religious phenomena usually experienced by the very devout 

M: Why would demons invoke stigmata anyway, that's....not how that works. 

B: It's just feels like Zak Blehgins is exploiting this family and trying to convince them that everything is demons from this house they spent 10 minutes in. Again, it's like he has no idea what he shouldn't do. Nobody thought to ask her about her feelings. If this is real she needs help and not Zak Blahggg asking her questions with a camera in her face. 

M: This poor teenage girl does not want to be in this. Her head drops and they're like OKAY EXORCISM OVER SHE'S FINE. Then Zak's psychic friendo Debbie tries to make contact with the demon remotely. Why? Why would she invite that? Does she wanna hang out?

B: Is she gonna like text the demon? Facebook messenger? How many psychic friends does he have? 

M: Oh she succeeded I guess and it said WHARBLGARBL. And then Debbie was killed in a double murder suicide.

                                           Pictured: Wharblgarble

B: Her husband murdered her and her roommate and if you really cared you would not put this in your goddamn demon documentary. Can you just leave shit like this out of it? Tie your friend's murder into your damn demons. This is why I hate Zak Biguns. He's a fucking manipulative asshole who tries to spin murder and suicide and cancer into his conspiracy theory movie about demons. ANOTHER point, the common thread among all of these stories is YOU, Zak, you could make exactly the same point about you. He also found a Hell is Real sign. Also trying to claim that demonic activity is higher in areas with high crime rates, poverty and murders. 

M: And now some facts about Gary, Indiana. 

B: And also exploiting this poverty stricken predominately black community. A segment where we explore actual problems that this place has. Zak you fucking absolute....

M: Zak is now telling us that like 5 people died there but he can't discount that someone close to the Ammonses might have cursed the house and invited the demons. Like...5 people dying there wasn't enough for you Zak? Zak's gonna go kick Latoya's boyfriend's ass because he thinks he tried to curse them with panties. That's a real thing that's happening. Zak can now tell whether people are into the occult by looking at them. 

B: Another previously unknown superpower. Maybe he has a white savior complex.

M: MAYBE? The boyfriend doesn't wanna talk. Big shock. 

B: What did you think was gonna happen.

M: This guy is a piece of work. Dr. Barry Taff, who holds a doctorate in psychophysiology. ( the study of the relationship between physiological and psychological phenomena, I had to look it up so you get to learn too, bitches ) He's gonna come and see if electromagnetic stuff is causing the demons. But everything is normal so...therefore demons. But there's a spike in the basement. That doesn't mean it's demons though. In fact, it would seem to indicate the opposite.

B: This happens on a lot of ghost hunting shows. I'm not sure what your weird electromagnetic shit has to do with ghosts but..?

                     Pictured: Zak Bagans realizing he’s a huge idiot

M: Now Zak has to go walk off again. He's being really affected by these demons. Weren't there supposed to be like 200 demons here or something? Doesn't this really do more to explain that demons aren't real? 

Z: Zak Braggins is a superconductor. He also seems genuinely surprised by what this guy is telling him.

M: That's because he doesn't understand science. Something causes him to lunge at the doctor, which is totally believable.

B: He just got mad the guy wasn't telling him it was demons. Fuck you and your science! The doctor hears a dog. Everyone knows demons bark like dogs. You said it was  goat man, why does it bark like a dog? 

M: So much footage of dudes just walking around supposedly being affected. Might be the carbon monoxide they actually detected earlier? Or the black mold?

   B: I love this part! This is fucking great. Footage of this guy walking around and then the cameraman's finger gets in the shot. It totally doesn't look exactly like what happens when you put your finger in front of the lens. Totally.

M: It's demons, obviously. The black anomaly. It's a fucking finger. They're just filming this dude walking around who seems to be ill and claiming he's touching the anomaly and shit. Take this dude to the fucking doctor. 

B: They take it to some NASA dude who enhances it and says there's no way it's the cameraman's finger. I still don't believe it's not the cameraman's finger. Oh shit, I just realized...I have fingers!

M: It might be a dick. 

B: If this cameraman and the doctor both feel faint, maybe you should just get out of the house!

M: This literally sounds like carbon monoxide poisoning which can cause nauseau, headaches, confusion, memory loss and literally every other thing except bad acting. Adam the cameraman wanders off and they find him in the basement. He later apparently starts VOMITING BLOOD??? Take this boy to the hospital! He starts screaming Zak in a weird voice so they decide to film it, natch.

                                  Pictured: Criminal negligence

B: Zak....zaaaaaaaaak i need to go to the hospital....this seems like negligence. M: Now they've lost him. Lots of footage of Adam being really aggressive for no reason. Nobody is concerned any longer about his vomiting blood. Something is wrong with this dude and you assholes are filming him. Adam wants to go to the house because of reasons that I'm sure are 100 percent legit. Maybe he's just tired of being in this shit ass movie with these shit ass friends. Zak says this is the scariest thing he's ever seen in his life. 

B: This movie is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life.

M: I honestly love the Adam bit. It's so fake. This dude is just being a dick on camera and Zak is like IT'S OBVIOUSLY DEMONS. Dr. Taff has a loud noise in his ear later on that wakes him up.

B: He's literally explaining exploding head syndrome. I have this, I know what it is. Characterized by loud noise you suddenly imagine just before you fall asleep, and can also occur as you wake up in the night. Google it. Also not caused by demons!

M: He wakes up with blood in his ears. Go to the hospital! 

B: Or he had a stroke, or an aneurysm. 

M: Meanwhile...Adam is getting interviewed instead of going to the hospital for barfing up blood. Adam doesn't wanna be on tape but they tape him secretly because they're fucking assholes. Adam says you know what I said bruh and Zak is like omfg the goatman. 

Pictured: It’s hard to find good images because this movie is also badly badly filmed and it’s just shitty creepy shots and then Zak talking.

B: It wants you, Zak, you're the leader of the bunch. 

M: Adam has a fucking aura of freezing air and EMF around him but we don't get to see any of the instruments they're using to record that.

B: These are obviously some very trustworthy guys. 

M: They are filming him without his consent.

B: Seems to be a recurring theme. 

M: Dr. Taff finally gets to a fucking hospital where his organs are shutting down. Like every single one of them. He mentions infection in his prostate.

B: I don't think his organ failure is best explained by demons. He has a severe medical problem. 

M: All these people he's saying got sick and NOBODY fucking went to a hospital? 

B: No..my dude...you are sick. You have a medical problem, not demons. M: Oh and now Adam has been removed from the crew because he's being weird and violent. They try to get him help but Adam refuses. I think Adam just got sick of their shit. 

B: They had to make something up. 

M: You have anything you wanna say here before Zak boards himself up in the house...alone...overnight?

B: Have fun, big guy.

M: Zakkkk " I know this sound stupid..."

B: It IS stupid. You set yourself up for that one. We're gonna have a sleepover with the demons! Pictured...the tiny penis in it's natual habitat.

M: This part is so fucking dumb. It's just....deeply deeply dumb.

B: They also moved in furniture so Zak can be comfy with the demon. And then... nothing happened. Lots of shots of absolutely nothing happening. I feel like I'm watching Paranormal Activity

M: Except stuff happened in that. Now in fast forward. Zak takes off his coat. 

                Pictured: the horror of seeing Zak Bagans undress

OOH SPOOKY. Nothing is happening. At all. He sits down and checks his phone so we can learn he doesn't wanna do lights out. Why? Nothing is happening.  He just keeps opening doors. What is Sebastian? I'm arranging matches. He makes sures the door is locked. 

B: Make sure the audience knows he's boarded up in there. You so brave. So big dick macho brave. You did this, Zak. Zak is scared of the dark. It's okay. It's natural.

M: I don't know why he's bitching. He orchestrated this. OOH LIGHTS OUT. NIGHT VISION ON. NOTHING IS HAPPENING. 

B: This part also feels like the intro to some weird night vision demon porno, he's just walking around with a camera.

M: That would at least be interesting. Nothing is happening at all. We just keep getting time cuts to more nothing happening. Finally they will decide this is too much nothing happening and make up some shit.

B: It's almost like shit's really boring when Zak doesn't have people around to help him make up shit. Hey did you guys hear a sound? No. 

                                                Pictured: Lies

M: 4:51 am. When will this end? How much more nothing happening does the audicence need. And not to put too fine a point on it...but this house is the DEMON HOUSE. Supposedly haunted by over 200 demons and a goat-man and also an 8 out of 10 on the demon scale, and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. 

M: Zak is getting a headache. Probably because of carbon monoxide. There's an obviously faked goat-ish noise. Zak tells it to get away because that's gonna work. Shoo, demon. 

          Pictured: A man gets mouthy while backed against a wall in fear

B: He sounds very sincere. Back the fuck up, man. Why do these dudes always try to get all up in the demon's face? Fuck you, demon. Maybe the demon just thinks you're rude. He was just trying to say hi.

M: A title card pops up to say that Zak Bagans witnessed a dark mass come out of the wall. There's cameras literally fucking everywhere but we don't get to see that.

B: Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

M: Now his eyes hurt. Which makes him yell and knock shit over

. B: Can you imagine how we feel in quarantine? He develops diplopia. Double vision. 

M: It's not that serious, Zak. Doctors can't figure out what caused it. This does not mean it was caused by fucking demons. We get updates on Kevin who apparently caught a demon from Zak. Adam went goth. 

B: Adam got tattoos and we looked him up and he makes horror movies and shit now. He just looks like a metalhead. I wanna say something here again about Dr. Taff and his diplopia. He's acting like doctors not knowing the cause of something is rare. It is not. Anyone with chronic health issues can tell you that. Tests and doctors are not infallible and it's often hard to diagnose things even if they're severe. 

M: Speaking as someone with chronic health issues, this is the case more often than not. The house has not taken a toll on you people you fucking walnut. 

B: We get a long list of correlation is not causation. 

M: So Zak decides to bulldoze the house, thus freeing the demons loose in the world to do their dark dark bidding. 

B: Or something. My theory is that he bulldozed the house so nobody could go back there and his investigation would be the FINAL word on the matter, like so he could be the ultimate authority on this case and nobody could come back and try to contest him...or try to profit off of these events after him.

M: Closing thoughts?

B: Zak Briggins seems like a complete douche. When you start the movie he's just some guy who hunts ghosts and thinks he knows things. But as it goes on, you see he's also very exploitative and manipulative and not a good guy! He takes advantage of people's deaths and mental issues and health problems to further his demon agenda. In conclusion, fuck you Zak Bagans. 

M: Zak claims that even tho the house is gone, the cops keep calling to tell him to tell him people are doing satanic rituals at the site on the regular. Why would the cops even call him for that? There's no house there. I call bullshit. On ALL of this. This story IS cursed, man. Don't expose yourself or your loved ones to the horrors of Demon House. 

B: I call bullshit on there being producers on this movie.

M: That's fair. I miss Ghost Hunters.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

My only problems with that bmc theory you mentioned is that 1) bmc was already really popular and 2) that’s kinda body shaming Roland :/ but yeah I agree that he can’t really sing for shit lol. And I hate how his go-to thing when he’s singing (it’s super evident in loser geek or whatever) is to just throw his arms out in a t pose

you should have problems with every part of that theory because everything in that post is about how the arguments are terrible and absurd, and i’m gonna use this opportunity to straightforwardly lay out why all that is, but first let me talk about the problems you did find with it

1) yes 

the off-bway run of bmc is unusual because it did (and existed because) already have popular support/demand. they absolutely had no motivation to try to increase its popularity. they already had that fully covered. 

2) yes

nothing wrong with having a preference or an attachment to the first portrayal you saw but there is no real reason to legitimately dislike or resent will roland’s performance to the degree that anyone wants to act like they have objective justifications for this. i will freely blame a ton of this on the fact that will r is not a super lanky guy who sort of looks like elijah wood’s fey woodland cousin or something, and he has a nasal voice, and the fact people find this less attractive leads to this extra resentment that gets rationalized as some kind of problem they have with his performance. surely i will come back to this but for now i’m going to argue against my own fake arguments

they didn’t approach will only because he was in deh and thus ~famous~ or famous by association or whatever. like i said in an earlier post, they were considering will for the part of jeremy even before will was considering himself for the part, as he said he didn’t consider auditioning for that role until it was suggested to him. and then he made it to callbacks, which means he was seriously considered and they already saw merit in the idea of casting him for the part. the fact that he didn’t get it doesn’t mean he wasn’t good enough: people Don’t Get The Part all the time and it isn’t for any certain reasons. for example, earlier will got cast in the black suits, while george salazar also auditioned and didn’t get cast, and yet we wouldn’t use this as evidence that george wasn’t necessarily good enough. not to mention that will would’ve been getting involved in deh at around that time of the bmc auditions, so evidently he was already good enough to be involved in like, any production.

also, the part of jeremy wasn’t the only change in cast between the productions. and they didn’t seem to leap on the opportunity to get Big Names involved, and in fact, they’ve said they didn’t want to do that. and, again, they did not need a popularity boost, they were in the unusual position of already knowing they had an audience. thus there’s no reason to believe that will’s casting, and will’s casting alone, was some sort of grab for increased attention on the production.

joe iconis had worked with will for years prior to 2018 and it’s just kind of ridiculous to suggest that will auditioned for his play and got turned down because he was terrible, and it’s only due to the fact that he was then cast in deh that made joe go “hm that roland guy can’t sing for shit and i’ve just been too polite to Not cast him in a previous musical of mine and work with him dozens of other times but he’s in a Popular Broadway Musical now so hmmm, maybe we’ll make a sacrifice to the quality of this show to get a popularity boost we don’t need” like

obviously it does not make sense. will was not Only offered the role because of being in deh. and, by extension, he was not offered the role in spite of any kind of inadequacy on his part. or in spite of anything at all.

also there is no indication that will connolly was just like, ditched or something. initial castings and casting changes are done for any number of reasons. and it’s not like joe iconis exactly has a reputation for ruthlessly screwing over people he works with, nor does will roland…and casting changes are basically inevitable if a show goes beyond one run or has a particularly long one. and it’s not unlikely people will have a preference or consider the first performance they see to be kind of the standard in their eyes, and there’s nothing wrong with the end of someone’s run / a casting change being bittersweet, cuz all of that is just how it’s gonna go. but like there’s no reason for animosity towards the replacement cuz then you’re gonna always hate everyone but the o(b)c

again like. maybe people really aren’t aware that will roland was cast in a musical of joe iconis’s back in 2012? the black suits? ben platt was there? george salazar wasn’t? will was 1/6th of the cast and did plenty of singing. and that was 3-4 years prior to him auditioning for bmc and getting the part for the off-bway performance, and as people tend to backhandedly point out, he only gets better with time and experience, and he was already doing great vocally in the black suits. he did that 2012 run, and then the run tbs had in 2013 as well. like, joe had plenty of experience working with him there. why would he think will is bad at singing.

also will was involved with joe’s work even prior to his graduation

will was also involved with bmc producer jen tepper’s work prior to his graduation. had a solo in the “if it only even runs a minute” show

they’d know how good will is. they had already been willingly involving him in various works for years, over and over, prior to will auditioning for bmc. the fact he didn’t get the part the initial time wasn’t due to them thinking he can’t sing, okay. and already right there you have the issue that apparently a bunch of randos figure they just have better judgment than the industry professionals. 

also, you can prefer will connolly’s voice, but it’s not even A Valid Argument to say that will roland is a bad singer. like, this isn’t even about opinion. he is a good singer and this is an objective statement. He Is Very Skilled. his vocals Are Good. this is not opinion it is essentially fact. you may not like them but to say he’s bad is just to say either you don’t have the first clue what you’re talking about or are willing to skew your own perspective or just say whatever to pretend to justify this preference as “one of these is the performance i like better and the other is a performance that is inarguably Bad and Incompetent”

one thing is that will is so good that he makes it seem easy. he pulls off shit that you don’t even have to recognize as taking a crapton of skill. there’s all sorts of performances of his available and the way he’s able to emote during his singing isn’t just his also-strong acting, but it also requires the vocal ability to deliver quick shifts and jumps between differences in volume and pitch and soft/fragile vs forceful/angry and that requires a ton of skill and control. speaking of control and the stuff i’ve just said, there’s also a lot of smoothness to his vocals and consistency which reflects not only the quality of his vocals but also the control and endurance and knowledge of how to handle a performance within individual songs but also an entire show and also a string of shows.

like, dunno what to tell you. like i said before, these industry professionals think he’s good enough. the people he work with think he’s talented. i put myself through reading bmc reviews and i don’t remember anyone saying anything suggesting will’s vocals weren’t up to par, but i do remember a lot of acknowledgments about the opposite and how his performance is stellar and showcases great vocal talent and ability, whether or not the reviewers took to the rest of the show as a whole. and yet people who are mad about him not being will connolly have the take that he can’t sing. pretty wild how the people who would probably know better than you or me all consider will roland to be a very strong singer!! must be because they don’t know as well as various random people who resent will r.

it’s just a bonus when people argue he can’t sing the high notes. i’m guessing i need to say it’s called a falsetto? he has a gorgeous one and the way he’s able to snap right into it is kind of breathtaking? and the fact that joe iconis wrote lgw Specifically For Will Roland’s Voice, specifically designed to showcase and play to his strengths? and that this song, written by a professional composer to be ideally paired with will roland’s voice, features that falsetto so generously? hmmmmmmmmmmm

like, there’s so many amazing and beautiful performances of his online and like every available performance kicks ass and is certainly Vocally Competent but like, if you listen to this and think “he can’t really sing for shit” then you’re just telling on your own flawed judgment n Shit Taste lol…..like, again, to say he can’t sing is objectively incorrect.

also, there’s this. 

i’m also very suspicious of people just interpreting his singing as “bad” because of the fact that his voice is just nasal. or suggesting that he can’t have as ~serious or dramatic~ impact. for unspecified reasons. but what i am going to specify as “because he has a nasal voice and i have an automatic association with this meaning that the character is unsympathetic and a joke”

i now slowly turn around and pull down a slide reading “jared kleinman”

again, not like the “will roland was only cast for clout” idea holds any water in the first place, but it’s just extra good how his character in deh seems to be written off by like, everyone, from reviewers to casual audiences to most more-involved fans of the show alike, and largely overlooked or maligned, despite all characters getting an equally sympathetic treatment, and all of the teenagers being very similar in what their flaws and weaknesses are and what their desires are. 

like i and other people and mike faist will tell you, yeah jared’s character provides a break from Heavier scenes into lighter tone, which is necessary for good pacing, but that doesn’t mean that the character and the things he says aren’t serious or genuine. watch me avoid going off into a longer tangent about jared and bringing it back around to will roland: it just Sure Is Interesting that the character is one that tends to be seen as unimportant or even dispensable despite being absolutely crucial to multiple elements of the play. hmm

and anyways it’s kind of funny that you’d really have to already be a fan of will’s to like, make his casting in bmc make you care about bmc if you hadn’t already (#me, lol) and like. otherwise it’d be like “hey this guy who’s in bmc was in deh” “oh really that’s neat” and maybe it’d make some new people pay attention, but not to the degree that it would like, be expected to carry the show’s sales or anything lol. plus uhhhhh haven’t noticed the marketing saying anything about WILL ROLAND of DEAR EVAN HANSEN and you’d think that if they’d deliberately cast someone who sucks just cuz he had a part in a well-known show, they’d uhhhh take advantage of that? and yet. 

that theory’s total shit is what i’m saying

and it’s interesting that will has a nasal voice and isn’t Serious Enough and his Singing is Bad

by interesting i mean total shit

i’m also totally gonna say that people are mad at will for not being super tall and super skinny and seeming attractive to them.

absolutely gonna say that. there is a real, documented bias towards considering someone seen as Attractive as being more sympathetic than someone who isn’t. for example i am tilting my head 270 degrees when anybody decides jeremy is an unsympathetic character. i am tilting my head 583 degrees when anybody decides that will roland’s performance as jared is the Unsympathetic one. my eyebrows are so raised they’ve just graduated college. 

just yknow people are mad at will roland b/c they don’t find him as hot as will c and resent him for not seeming attractive enough and like, there’s the people who will at least own this and insult him for being too ugly for their tastes and their inability to keep their shit to themselves, and then there’s people who also have this inability to keep their shit to themselves but don’t wanna say they think he’s too ugly for their tastes and will instead be like mmmm dunno the way he follows the written changes to the script is bad………mmmmm idk he just can’t sing ://…………mmmmmmm his performance isn’t the same so uhh fuck him for not being will connolly………………://///……….

i don’t know if anybody sees him as fat rn, there’s this window of being Average where i truly cannot see it even though its supposed to just be Objective Judgment territory. but that sure never helps. also he just doesn’t have the willowy fragile body type of will connolly’s at all, no matter what. and that also cannot ever help. couldn’t’ve helped when he played jared either.

maybe it’s an utter coincidence that the majority of his film roles, where your body and face are always gonna get hq closeups, and in which we also have audio of one’s nasal voice, have him as Nerd Types who aren’t meant to be particularly sympathetic. not saying this is all him being typecast based on being written off from certain types of roles as characters meant to appeal to the audience / win sympathy, except, my eyebrows have now finished grad school.

in fact, although the realm of live theatre may be more “”forgiving”” of these superficial traits, it’s not as though will’s roles haven’t been largely uncool losers in various ways lol…but all of them have been sympathetic. he’s even mentioned how being cast as a romantic lead way back in school changed how people saw him. and here he is in a role where he feels like he isn’t allowed to be the main character even in his own life, and where he feels that he can be treated Like a well-liked, attractive person, but not necessarily be one. will roland is out here just outright saying how lgw is about himself and about you and about me (and for trans and non-hetero fans) and people are really out here going “he’s ugly he shouldn’t have this role” like, i’ll freaking slap you, lord

again. loser geek whatever alone is evidence that the take that He Can’t Sing is objectively false. and it is. move on. love yourself

also just thanks for mentioning the thing about throwing his arms out. that’s just like, one of the peak examples of “i resent will roland for not being will connolly but i need to invent justifications for this” and deciding that totally arbitrary things about him are reasons to be annoyed by him, and thus to think that there’s anything actually wrong with it. like, so he has a tendency to gesture with both arms out whereas other people don’t always do this? you’re mentioning loser geek whatever and it’s pretty crazy how when you watch him perform the song he actually employs a variety of gestures and you’re just picking out the one thing he does and going “ugh god you’re killing me will roland” like god….of all the arbitrary inconsequential things to focus your dislike on and pretend it’s a Legitimate Critique, this one’s a classic. if anything it’s a quirk that puts an individual stamp on things in the midst of all the other ways he moves and gesticulates during songs, but yeah, i suppose you could just decide you hate it. truly, between will roland putting his arms out and the people who see this as some kind of real flaw, whose reach is greater……..

anyways the point is none of you have any real reason to be bothered by will roland, and every “oh my god he’s so incompetent” take is ridiculous, and at least the people who outright insult him based on appearance are being honest about their bullshit since it’s all insults anyways. the oc album is right there. the performance with will connolly also continues to be right there. everybody just might consider why they’re so resentful of will roland for having the part, and also consider getting over it.

[cainegl]

            welcome  back  angels  ,  tODAY  we’re  gonna  be  truly  shunning  the  psycho  pretty  boy  ,    caine  ,  don’t  show  any  affection  to  him  whatsoever  bc  his  fuckass  doesnt  deserve  it  !  i  probably  won’t  b  around  for  interactions  tonight  but  thats  ok  bc  my  goal  anyways  was  to  get  plots  laid  out  w  everyone  before  i  jumped  into  writing  !  i  love  u  all  genuinely  so  much  and  hopefully  ,  caine’s  satanic  ass  gives  u  a  fun  time  w  hating  him  ,  i  know  i  sure  as  hell  do  :’) 

                            𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒃𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 !

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑  𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊  :   caine  giovanni  bratton 𝖓𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘   :   he  mostly  gets  called  by  his  surname  considering  ‘ caine ’  is  rather  un-riffable 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊  /  𝖆𝖌𝖊   :    october 29 , 1996 𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈   :   scorpio 𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗 𝖎𝖉𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖞  /  𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖓𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖘   :   cismale  identifying  with  he  /  him  /  his 𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓   :   closeted  bisexual  and  biromantic 𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓  :   former  leftfielder  for  the  boston  red  sox  ,  now  a  fashion  model  and  ceo  /  chairhead  of  his  own  fashion  brand  supreme 𝖍𝖔𝖌𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 𝖍𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖊  :   slytherin  𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖞  :          billy hargrove from stranger things , roman godfrey from hemlock grove ,  kanye west ,  cook from skins , tony  stark   &  erik killmonger from the mcu  ,   patrick bateman from american psycho 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘  :            —     machiavellian  ,  brutal  ,   crass   ,  narcisistic  ,   manipulative           +     opportunistic  ,  intuitive  ,  thrives under pressure ,  straightforward  

𝖉 𝖎 𝖘 𝖘 𝖊 𝖗 𝖙 𝖆 𝖙 𝖎 𝖔 𝖓 

        *   born  to  a  hamptons  housewife  and  the  ceo  of  a  major  sports  marketing  firm  ,  the  dark  haired  devil  had  a  rather  unremarkable  upbringing  .  entitled  as  expected  ,  manipulative  and  cunning  ,  caine  knew  what  people  wanted  to  hear  and  was  sure  to  tell  them  in  his  honeyed  lilt  if  it  were  in  his  favor  for  later  exploitation  .  average  in  school  and  below  average  in  looks  for  most  of  his  life  ,  there  was  a  definite  cruelty  doled  out  to  him  throughout  his  experience  in  the  most  prestigious  private  schools  daddy’s  money  could  afford  (  not  that  his  less  than  welcoming  personality  made  things  any  easier  on  himself  .  )  it  was  his  transition  into  sports  ,  particularly  baseball  ,  that  pulled  him  into  the  direction  of  finally  accomplishing  something  other  than  winning  asshole  of  the  year  defacements  under  his  yearbook  picture  .  with  that  ,  caine  found  that  his  hostility  didn’t  have  to  be  negated  ,  but  rather  selective  —  if  the  male  could  pick  and  choose  his  battles  ,  he’d  find  himself  much  further  along  in  his  desires  than  through  brute  force  alone  .

      and  so  ,  with  precision  focus  and  the  bratton  determination  that  becomes  indicative  of  his  brand  ,  he  rebuilds  .  high  school  finds  their  star  fieldsman  as  a  freshman  with  a  newly  regained  understanding  of  how  to  schmooze  people  ,    dripping  magnetism  through  well  timed  smiles  or  pretentious  humble  brags  .  as  if  taken  over  by  a  well-trained  debutante  overnight  ,  caine  found  himself  with  a  newfound  power  over  those  around  him  and  a  faked  charm  that  propelled  him  to  new  hights  ,  and  with  a  level  of  athletic  talent  to  his  name  that  nobody  could  doubt  ,  he  was  easily  gaining  ground  and  recognition  throughout  his  hometown  of  manhattan  .  with  puberty  catapulting  him  through  his  senior  year  ,  caine  bratton’s  photo-ready  grin  and  laser  focus  on  his  goals  at  hand  made  him  something  of  a  pseudo-celebrity  ,  the  first  taste  of  recognition  that  he  quickly  becomes  addicted  to  .  colleges  fight  tooth  and  nail  to  offer  manhattan’s  pretty  boy  slugger  an  offer  he  cant  refuse  ,  eventually  sending  caine  off  to  duke  university  to  become  one  of  the  top  ranked  college  baseball  players  in  the  nation  .  practically  feeding  off  the  chaos  of  his  newfound  lifestyle  ,  he  thrives  at  the  party  school  and  cements  his  name  into  nearly  every  east  coast  household  —  building  a  following  of  both  sports  fans  and  general  thirst  follows  alike  .  

      obsessed  with  his  father’s  opinion  ,  caine  heeds  his  word  with  furthering  his  brand  and  takes  on  carefully  selected  sponsors  ,  always  ensuring  they’re  for  modeling  gigs  that  won’t  jeopardize  his  student  athlete  contract  .  he  graduates  early  (  thanks  to  a  particularly  notable  set  of  “  tutors  “  his  dad  hired  )  with  a  business  degree  and  as  first  pick  for  the  MLB  draft  that  following  june  .  after  a  stellar  year  pushing  the  minnesota  twins  out  of  the  bottom  of  their  league  rankings  ,  caine  gets  signed  to  the  boston  red  sox  with  one  of  the  most  expensive  fieldsman  contracts  in  history  .  modeling  gigs  and  sponsorships  flood  the  20  year  old  with  a  force  even  he  couldn’t  have  expected  ,  fueling  the  narcissism  years  in  the  making  .  he’s  well  liked  by  the  media—    a  man’s  man  ,  charming  ,  arrogant  but  within  reason  ,  knowing  the  exact  line  to  drop  for  the  exact  reaction  he  wants  .  caine  spends  the  next  two  seasons  with  the  world  exactly  where  he  wants  them  ,  manipulating  his  way  into  and  our  of  every  situation  his  heart  could  desire  .

      one  thing  he  can’t  control  is  a  devastating  complete  tear  of  his  rotator  cuff  during  a  particularly  high  pressure  world  series  game  ,  one  that  completely  shatters  his  chances  of  finishing  the  season  and  just  about  decimates  the  rest  of  his  career  .  the  surgeries  are  GRUELING  and  the  rehabilitation  is  even  worse  ,  leaving  caine  with  far  too  much  free  time  on  his  hands  and  increasingly  nasty  cracks  his  perfect  pretty  boy  facade  .  a  bittersweet  highlight  of  the  year  ,  conflicting  for  a  multitude  of  reasons  ,  is  the  revelation  from  an  on-and-off  fling  of  his  that  caine  is  to  become  a  father  ,  sending  much  of  the  world  (  including  himself  )  into  a  shock  .  expectant  on  the  arrival  of  his  daughter  ,  left  without  a  clear  career  trajectory  ,  caine  finds  himself  spiraling  into  what  becomes  his  black  hole  ,  ultimately  culminating  in  him  beating  the  shit  out  of  some  random  drunk  guy  on  the  street  trying  to  get  a  rise  out  of  him  and  landing  him  with  a  civil  case  .  while  the  charges  were  ultimately  dropped  ,  the  former  golden  boy  was  undoubtedly  in  shreds  ,  attracting  all  the  wrong  attention  ,  chasing  destruction  wherever  it  offered  itself  —  and  thus  ,  piquing  the  interest  of  one  papa  legba  .

      caine’s  predisposition  for  destruction  and  chaos  ,  satanic  in  the  closest  sense  of  the  word  with  a  perfect  photo-op  smile  ,  made  him  a  champion  for  the  causes  papa  legba  piloted  .  the  demon  king  found  itself  with  a  harbinger  of  sorts  ,  a  machiavelli-reincarnate  who  was  beginning  to  attract  the  worst  of  the  celebrity  sphere  into  his  circle  .  it  wasn’t  difficult  to  recruit  caine  into  his  unsavory  doings  ,  repairing  his  shoulder  with  a  ‘  groundbreaking  new  muscle  regeneration  therapy  ,  ‘  but  rather  than  allow  him  to  rest  on  his  laurels  in  the  mlb  ,  he  offers  caine  a  proposition  .  ‘  why  set  your  sights  on  the  horizon  ,  when  the  whole  damn  world  could  be  yours  ?  ‘  and  with  that  ,  his  new  cherub  kaia  toted  in  the  crook  of  his  former  bad  arm  ,  supreme  drops  after  months  of  hype  and  launches  caine  bratton  from  baseball  tragedy  to  fashion  empire  mogul  .  ever  leaning  into  his  newfound  infamy  due  to  his  increasingly  volatile  outbursts  ,  his  brand  is  building  speed  at  unfathomable  rates  ,  with  his  brain  at  the  helm  and  papa  legba’s  influence  behind  it  ,  and  caine  is  relishing  in  the  new  world  he’s  creating  for  himself  —  regardless  of  the  price  .

𝖉 𝖎 𝖘 𝖘 𝖊 𝖈 𝖙 𝖎 𝖔 𝖓  

           icb  u  made  it  this  far  and  if  u  did  so  without  skimming  ?  u  a  real  one  😩✊🏽  sksksk  so  real  TALK  ,  caine  is  the  literal  worst  so  pls  dont  hesitate  to  make  him  the  villain  in  any  plot  u  so  desire  .  he’s  intelligent  but  not  to  an  excess  ,  but  is  incredibly  business  savvy  ,  knowing  an  opportunity  when  he  sees  one  and  fucking  POUNCING  on  it  .  this  plays  off  his  INCREDIBLE  fucking  manipulation  skills  ,  the  man  will  see  an  in  and  exploit  it  to  no  end  in  a  way  thats  ?  equal  parts  terrifying  and  lowkey  impressive  ?  side  note  he  takes  everything  seriously  ,  esp  himself  and  his  daughter  ,  and  isn’t  abt  to  let  any  idiot  drive  his  empire  into  the  ground  .  the  man  is  genuinely  convinced  he  can  take  over  the  world  at  this  point  ,  w  papa  legba  fueling  his  lil  psycho  ass  ,  and  is  gonna  probably  stop  at  nothing  until  he’s  reached  his  peak  .  he’s  destructive  and  has  absolutely  caused  a  fourth  his  staff  to  quit  with  his  office  meltdowns  where  he  goes  the  FUCK  off  but  ppl  can’t  say  he  doesn’t  have  an  incredible  vision  and  a  cutthroat  determination  to  accomplish  it  .  he’s  in  that  weird  sweet  spot  where  he’s  obnoxious  and  arrogant  as  shit  bc  he  knows  he’s  a  big  ole  successful  pretty  boy  that  ppl  want  to  please  but  he  also  has  that  classic  ‘  i  grew  up  rich  ‘  disposition  that  means  he  knows  when  to  fake  it  ?  (  on  that  note  ,  he’d  make  a  PHENOMENAL  fake  bf  👀  for  the  clout  )    also  an  awful  boyfriend  ,  has  prob  cheated  on  every  person  he’s  ever  dated  and  def  cheated  on  his  baby  mama  but  makes  it  a  point  to  be  an  incredible  dad  to  his  kid  bc  she’s  the  only  tie  to  his  humanity  /  soft  side  he  really  lets  influence  him  .  his  defining  features  are  his  absolute  narcissism  and  volatile  desire  to  be  the  absolute  best  at  what  he  does  ,  as  well  as  a  laser  focus  that  doubles  as  one  of  his  greatest  points  of  admiration  .   he’s  ABSOLUTELY  a  tool  but  to  his  credit  he  can  be  deeply  intimidating  ,  i  imagine  he’s  one  of  those  guys  with  just  incredibly  strong  eye  contact  to  the  point  it  freaks  ppl  out  and  that  reaction  always  makes  him  LAUGH  .

      hc’s :  ultimate  peak  caine  look  is  a  supreme  t  shirt  under  a  black  leather  jacket  n  some  saint  laurent  chelsea  boots  PHEW  ,  he  wears  sunglasses  inside  w  out  hesitating  ,  thinks  kaia  is  a  ~superbaby~  and  is  NOT  afraid  to  tell  u  how  much  fucking  smarter  she  is  than  ‘  normal  babies  ,  ‘  he  has  a  sponsorship  w  a  fucking  bougie  expensive  ass  teeth  whitening  brand  and  they’ve  insured  his  smile  for  an  UNREASONABLE  sum  of  money  ,  a  big  mood  for  him  w  how  busy  he  is  would  b  a  hurried  hookup  in  the  back  seat  of  his  limo  with  led  zeppelin  blasting  over  the  speakers  , his  office  has  one  of  those  balcony  golf  sets  except  its  full  golf  and  not  mini  putt  so  his  ass  will  get  PISSED  and  just  .  shoot  fucking  golf  balls  off  the  side  of  the  building  not  caring  who’s  car  they  dent  two  blocks  away  SKSKKSKS

𝖉 𝖊 𝖘 𝖎 𝖗 𝖊 𝖘

UM  quick  plots  ,  basically  im  heavily  searching  for  the  mother  to  his  child ,  kaia  who  would  be  about  a  year  and  a  half  rn  ,  i  wanted  them  to  have  an  incredibly  tumultuous  back  and  forth  relationship  bc  lbr  caine  is  not  a  great  person  but  he  is  a  spectacular  dad  so  it’s  a  catch-22  for  anyone  involved  skskkss

also  looking  for  his  “  in  my  head  “  by  ari  type  ex  ?  i  did  not  name  this  mans  CAINE  for  nothing  cmon  now  kids

i  would  fucking  LOVE  more  than  anything  to  have  ppl  who  work  with  him  in  any  extent  ?  it  could  be  models  who  rep  the  brand  and  he  flirts  incessantly  with  ,  it  could  be  influencers  who  have  a  partnership  w  him  and  see  his  business  side  ,  it  could  be  people  w  ambition  who  work  for  his  company  and  see  his  NASTY  side  but  pls  ,  supreme  inc  is  open  to  any  and  everything  .  

chaos  squad  ,  hookups  ,  party  friends  ,  athletic  rivals  ,  ride  or  dies  ,  ppl  who  SOMEHOW  tolerate  him  ,  ppl  who  proudly  do  not  tolerate  him  at  all  ,  maybe  even  the  dude  he  punched  in  the  street  that  one  time  ?  also  cousins  ,  childhood  friends  ,  on  and  offs  ,  HELLA  exes  ,  ppl  he  torments  ,  close  as  siblings  relationships  ,  maybe  someone  he’s  kinda  soft  for  but  will  never  admit  ?  

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

==>

uu: SO WHIZZAY I SIZZAY YOE UGLY. W-H-TO-THA-IZZICH YOU FACTUALLY ARE. uu: I MIZZLE T-H-TO-THA-IZZAT FROM MAH PERSPECTIVE. OF BEIN NIZZLE, N NOT A SHIZZLE ALIEN. TA SIZZAY THIZZLE YOU BE ACTUALLIZZLE ATTRACTIVE 'N AN UNPLIZZLE WAY. TA MAH BRAIN. 

GG: Hrm. GG droppin hits: Nope. Snoop dogg is in this bitch. That makizzles verizzle shawty senze like a motha fucka. 

uu: FUCK. TRY SPENDIN' YO' SUPPOSIZZLE BETTA SMIZZLE TIZZY MINE. uu: Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. N THINK SOMEWHAT LATERALLY. 'BOUT LIKE. STEPPIN' CULTURE. THAT ISN'T *YOURS*. uu: YIZZAY DUMB BITCH. 

GG: Yes, I sizzay it all tizzay clearly nizzay. Yoe really quite tha charma!  

uu: You gotta check dis shit out yo. NO. COME ON. "DUMB BITCH" BE HUSTLA BOOTYLICIOUS COMPLIMENT. uu straight from long beach nigga: 'N THA SAME VIZNEIN AS THAT WHICH I JUST DESCRIBED. uu: IT A TERM OF "ENDEARMENKSKLJJF" I UZE TA RAP ABOUT GIRLS. WHO 'N MAH VIEW HAVE MANAGE' TA AVOID BEING. uu n we out! UTTIZZLE BIZZLE MAH PERSONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. DIS ISN'T COMPLICATED. 

GG so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: Uh huh. GG, ya feel me? So yoe actually ho-slappin' ta claim thizzay yizzay find me attractive, F-R-to-tha-izzom tha allege' "bad M-to-tha-izzeans gizzle" piznoint of vizzay of yo' hate-driven spizzles? 

uu: DEFINITELY. uu: I'M NOT JOK'N AROUND, CROCKER. uu: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. I'VE UNLOCKIZZLE A BUNCH OF YO' SCREENS. N SPENT A LIZNOT OF TIME WATCH'N YOU. uu: WHIZZAY THINKING. JUST. uu: THA *DIIIIRTIEST* THOUGHTS. uu: HIZZAY HEE. HAA. 

GG: Eww. GG: You pig now pass the glock. 

uu: THA PIMP FIZZLE TOO. LET NOT FORGET YO' SQUAD BACKUP BITCH. uu fo' sho': HIZZAY NASTY BE SHE? They call me tha black folks president.? JUST SO FOUL. N THA TH'N YOU GET UP TA WIT ONE ANOTHER. OH MAH. uu: NEE' I EVIZZLE CITE THA ALTERCATION WIT YO' PUFFY SLUMBA LOAVES? 

GG: They call me tha black folks president. Excizzle me?? 

uu fo gettin yo pimp on: MY COMPLIMENTS 'N PARTICULAR. ON YO' COLORFUL UNDERGARMENTS. uu: WIZZY BOUNC'N UP N DOWN ON THA SIZZAY HUMAN SARSWAPAGUS. 

GG cuz its a G thang: Oh, that just bootylicious. GG: Tha ONE TIZNIME we hiznad a generic girly pillow fizzight, n it tiznurns out sizzome pervert wizzay watchizzle us cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map. GG: I think I nee' a showa. GG: Assum'n I can rappa takes one agizzle 'n peace! 

uu: DON'T WORRY. YIZZY CAN'T. uu: BIZZAY SERIOUSLY. JANE. CAN I CALL YOU JANE? Its just anotha homocide. BITCH, LISTEN. uu n we out! YOU BE ONE GRODY HARLOT. WHICH MEANS GOOD (BAD) CHILLIN' TA ME, LET REMEMBER. uu: WHEN I UNLOCKED YOU. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'VE CHANGE' fo my bling bling? OR MAYBE JIZZY YOU. SINCE YOU TURNED OLDER. BIZZAY YOU REALLY. uu: FILLED OUT. uu: SIZNINCE I L-TO-THA-IZZAST SIZZAY YOU BEFORE. 

GG: Whizzat? GG: ... GG: Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this. Really? Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. 

uu: HELL YES. uu: Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. I DO ENJOY A MIZZLE BITCH. WITTA SHAWTY CLOUT. 

GG: Whizzay do you mizzle, exactly n we out! GG so jus' chill: By "clout?" 

uu: Boo-Yaa! OH. I THINK YOU KNOW. uu: WHEN PHYSICAL PORTIONS OF THA BITCH. KIZZIND OF JUT OUT. EXUBERANTLY. 

GG: D-ya mizzean... GG: Mah... GG: Whizzy be I even hav'n dis conversation! 

uu: I JUST HAVE A WEAK SPOT. FO` THA ABIZZLE AVERAGE HEFT OF YO' PARTS. WHICH WIZZY THA MOST. uu: NIZZLE DO SUM-M SUM-M NAUSEAT'N FO` ME TA WATCH. uu: I WANT TA SEE A TAWDRIZZLE ACT OF HARD CIZZY SCHMALTZ. uu: SIZNEE THAT RIZNOCK CRAZY ASS NIGGA THERE. PRIZZLE IT BE THA OTHA INSIZZLE BITCH. uu fo' real: ACT A SHAWTY NERVOUS. WIT YO' IDLE HAND, GRAZE ONE OF YO' MIZZORE BULBOUS LOCATIZZLE "INCIDENTALLY" if you gots a paper stack. uu: T-H-TO-THA-IZZEN ASK THA ROCK IF IT WANTS TO FALL 'N LOVE!!! OOOOOOOH. 

GG: What? No! GG upside yo head: Be you insizzle? GG: I D-to-tha-izzon't care where you be, or nigga tha H-to-tha-izzell it be yizzay "unlocked" ta spy on me. GG: Yizzle aren't allowizzle ta sit there all dizzay leering at mah bizzay!!! 

uu: YO' WHAT. 

GG: Mah fo' sheezy... wizzy yeah yeah baby? GG: Wizzait, what were YIZNOU talk'n 'bout? 

uu: NO. TELL ME WHIZZAT THOZE FRONTIN' YOU SAID BE. I'M SO ENTICED! Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect.

GG: Screw you! GG cuz its a G thang: T-to-tha-izzell me what you were getting at wit all that!! GG: Tha S-T-to-tha-izzuff 'bout "clout," n mah "bulbous locations." 

uu: I WAS JUST SAYING. MAH TASTE PREFERS. uu: WHEN THA BUXOM SHREW PHYSIQUE PUTS A HEALTHY DIZZLE IN SPACETIME. 

GG: Spacizzle n we out!? 

uu so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: I LIKE HOW SALTY IT BE. WHEN A BITCH GRIZZAY OUT OF HA SKELETAL PHAZE. uu: N HA FRIZZLE REALLY BEGINS TO CHALLENGE THA HORIZONTAL DIMENSIONS. 

GG: WHAT! 

uu: W-H-TO-THA-IZZEN THA FIZZLE R-TO-THA-IZZUMP STARTS GIZZLE MORE MILIZZLE OUT OF ITS WIDENESS ATTRIBUTE. MIZNORE BIZZANG FO` ITS BOONBUCK! uu: IT EXCITES ME BETTER. WHEN BITCHES PUNISH THA GROUND. WIT EACH MEGALITHIC FOOTSTEP. 

GG: SIZZY UP! GG: I'M NIZZY FIZZY!!! 

uu: Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. JIZZANE BITCH. I HAVE NEW ORDERS. uu: YIZZAY WILL STRIZZAY TA THA SCANTIZZLE PAIR OF PARTY P-TO-THA-IZZANTS N THA CLOTH CHEST PIZZLE WHICH YOU WEAR CRAZY ASS NIGGA THOZE PLAIN RAGS. uu: It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. THEN FIZZIND A NAUGHTY PATCH OF MUD. uu: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. N ROLL AROUND 'N THA MUD. LIKE AN EARTH PIG. uu sho nuff: FLAUNT'N FO` ME. YO' SLIPPERY N SWOLLIZZLE PIZZLE PHYSICALITY. uu: N MAYBE GRIZZUNT SIZZOME DECADENT PIZZAY THROUGH YO' SNOUT. 'BOUT SOME SHITFACE YOU "ADOREFJSDKLJJF". uu: Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. OOOOH YES. uu with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back THAT WIZZLE BE. uu: *WRRRRIZZLE! Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn.* 

GG: GO F-TO-THA-IZZUCK YOSELF! Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. 

uu: WAIT! DON'T SHUT ME OUT. uu, know what im sayin? REMEMBA WHAT I SAID. 'BOUT OUR DIFFERENT CULTURES OR WHATEVER. uu: I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. HAVE A FUCK'N OPEN MIZZY, JANE. uu: I MADE YOU A PRESENT. FO` YO' BIRTHDAY. KILLA TIZZY ACTUALLIZZLE BE. uu: You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg. SEE HOW I'M MAKIZZLE AN EFFORT TA UNDERSTAND YO' CUSTOMS? uu: MEET ME HIZZLE OF THA GODDIZZLE WAY. 

GG: Oh cripes. Boo-Yaa! GG: Whizzle be it? 

uu: A SUBLIME ARTISTIC PORTRAIT. uu: REMEMBA HOW I SIZZLE MAH KILLA WAS GROW'N WIT EACH DAY. uu, ya feel me? DIS APPLIES AS WIZZAY TA MAH PROWESS AS A DRAFTSMAN. 

GG: Oh goodness, no. Yiznou P-to-tha-izzoor delizzle th'n. GG: I D-to-tha-izzon't C-to-tha-izzare what progress you think you M-to-tha-izzade. You will neva be a G-to-tha-izzood artizzle, dizzy. 

uu: HORSESHIT. uu: MAH ILLUSTRATION BE STUNNING. IT IS NEARLY A PHOTOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR ODIOUS MILKSHAKE. uu ya feelin' me? NOW PARK THA INDUSTRIAL LIZZOAD OF FREIGHT YOU DECLARE A BOTTOM. N FIZZAY YO' EYES ON MAH FUCK'N EXCELLIZZLE!  uu: http://tinyurl.com/JANETHISISYOU 

GG thats off tha hook yo: Groan, betta check yo self. 

uu: I BELIEVE I HAVE CHOSEN THA PERFECT SHIZZLE FO` YOU. uu: IT IS DESCRIBED 'N CERTAIN CIRCLIZZLE KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THA ARTS. AS. "A CIRCLE". uu: I BE VERY PLEAZE' WIT HOW FAITHFULLY IT HIZZLE CAPTIZZLE THA OBSCENE ROTUNDITY. OF YOUR MAGNIFICENT CARRIAGE. uu spittin' that real shit: TRULIZZLE A SPITT'N IMAGE OF THA CROCKER BITCH. uu fo my bling bling: NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY. YOU MAY LEARN SUM-M SUM-M. uu: THA MASTERPIECE AFICIONADO WILL NOTICE. HOW I ACHIEVED TIZZY HIGHLY ADVANCED N DIFFICULT SHAPE. uu: WHAT MIZZAY GIFTED ARTIZZLE WILL TELL YOU. BE THAT. CIZZLE BE BASICALLY FUCK'N IMPOSSIBLE TA DRAW. uu: TRUST ME. uu: IT LIKE A PARADOX. A SHIZZAPE WITOUT ANGLES. WHAT aww nah?? uu: SO I FUCK'N CHEATED. uu: Slap your mutha fuckin self. I NAVIGATED THA IRRATIONAL SHOT CALLA BY MAK'N A LOT OF EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE, TOTALLY LOGICAL MARKS. FORM'N A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHAWTY R-TO-THA-IZZIGHT ANGLES. uu: THA DOGGY STYLIN' PART HAPPIZZLE WHEN I DO DIS A LOT. SO IT GOES 'N A ROUND DIRECTION. uu: DIS ONE CIZZAME OUT WELL I THINK. BUT THERE RIZZY TA IMPROVE. uu: You gotta check dis shit out yo. I HAVE THEORIZE' THAT IF I KEEP BALLIN' BOGUS CIRCLES LIKE DIS. uu: WHIZNILE DRAW'N MORE N MIZNORE ANGLES. BUT SMALLER. SO S-M-TO-THA-IZZALL THIZZAY YOU START CAN'T DIPPIN' THEM. uu: THAT THA ILLUSION OF THA CIRCLE WILL BE COMPLETE! N THUGZ W-TO-THA-IZZILL BELIEVE 'N THA FAKE CIRCLE. LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS. uu: I BET NOBODY HAS THOUGHT OF THAT CIRCLE STRATEGY. I THIZZINK I'M THA FIRST AT DIS IDEA. AND B-TO-THA-IZZEST AT IT ALREADY. uu: Nigga get shut up or get wet up. THUGZ T-H-TO-THA-IZZINK I'M DUMB. ESPECIALLY THA VIZZOICE 'N MAH HEEZEE. uu: N THIZZLE MIZZY BE RIGHT 'BOUT ME BEIN DUMB. uu and my money on my mind: BUT W-H-TO-THA-IZZEN IT COMES TA THE SPECIAL WAY I DO THINGS. WHICH IS ALWAYS ACTUALLY. THA PERFIZZLE WAY. uu: I BE. uu doggystyle: A GIZZLE!

> ==>

[buckyscrystalqueen]

One Love

Pairings: Carter Baizen x Reader

Warnings: GRAPHIC depictions of drug use & drug over dose, cheating, swearing, angst, fluff, smut (ish), arrests, underage drinking, underage drug use, poor parenting... (If I missed any, let me know)

Word Count: 9,261

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Morning, (Y/N).” You smiled at the woman at the nurses station as you handed her the bag of things you had brought for your husband that week.

“Morning, Jean. How are the kids?” She rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Monsters as usual.” She put the bag down on the floor with the rest of the bags from other visitors and gestured to her left. “He’s been up since four waiting for you.” You gave her a small smile and headed out of the dorms building.  

Peace River drug and alcohol rehabilitation center; the rehab that you had left not a week before yourself. But now you were back for family counseling day for your husband. It wasn’t ideal but it was your marriage; your crazy, dysfunctional, high maintenance marriage. You headed into the main building as you pulled off your light blue, Gucci peacoat. You heard a chair scrape across the floor over the click of your boots and before you could take your scarf off, you were nearly tackled to the ground.

“You’re here.” Carter said softly as he held you tight and brushed his fingers through your hair. “I didn’t think you’d come.” Your stomach fluttered (just like it had since you were a little girl around Carter Baizen) and you nodded against his shoulder.

“I’m always here for you, baby.” He squeezed his arms around you before forcing himself away from you. His blue eyes danced across your face before he moved you back at arms length and looked at you. His classic smirk stretched across his face as he looked back in your eyes.

“You get more beautiful every time I see you.” You rolled your eyes as you unwrapped your scarf from your neck.

“You know flattery gets you no where, baby.” You teased as he took your coat and scarf from you. He nodded as he laced his fingers with yours and headed toward his councilors office.

“It may not but it’s 100% truth.” You rolled your eyes as he rocked your large, 7 carat diamond wedding ring back and forth on your finger.

“Kiss ass.” You teased as he carefully hung up your coat and scarf on top of his. He blew a kiss to you as Anna, your old and his current councilor called both your names from her office. You gave her a smile and a wave as Carter grabbed your hand again and lead you toward her office with a smile.

~~~~~~ AGE 16 ~~~~~~~~~

“Baizen!” You called across your living room. You watched the handsome senior pause on the main stairs and turn toward you with a smile.

“Well, well. Skipping school again, Tink?” He asked as he stepped off the stairs and crossed the room. You shrugged as you tossed the book you were pretending to read across the room.

“I’m sick.” You lied as you faked a cough. “Why do you think I called my local pharmacist who is skipping, too?” He chuckled as he sat down by your feet on the window seat overlooking Central Park. You looked at him with your eyebrows raised as he pulled a small, black, leather bag from his pocket and set it and his arm on your bent knees.

“Up or down?” He asked with a smile as he pat the bag against your leg. You tilted your head to the side with a smile.

“You playing hooky with me today?” He chuckled and glanced out the window with a small nod.

“I think I can clear my schedule for a pretty girl like you.” You rolled your eyes and snatched the  bag from his hand.

“Let’s do both then, baby. I wanna dance with the stars and sink into the clouds.”

~~~~~~~AGE 17~~~~~~~~~

“Well, well… if it isn’t little Miss Tinkerbell.” Blair sassed as you strolled past her VIP table on the way back from the bathroom. A smile spread across your face as you stopped walking and turned to look at her with the most fake smile you could force your drug altered brain to make.

“Blair!” You squealed as you put your hand on your hip. “Look at you! You look just as childish as the last time I saw you.” You watched the girls smile fall as her minions, Kati and Hazel tittered behind their hands.

It was no secret that Blair Waldorf and most of the girls at Constance hated you but you didn’t care. Like it or not, you were the most watched Upper East Sider; rivaling only Serena Van Der Woodsen. Your mother, Jane was an oil heiress, your father, Frank was the CEO of a company that rivaled Bass Industries in size and income and neither of your parents could be bothered with raising their only child. As a Constance drop out with her GED with parents that couldn’t care less, you gave the tabloids enough ‘news’ to keep them in business for the rest of eternity. You could care less about the self proclaimed ‘Queen B’ in front of you and her posse of ignorant friends. At 17, the only thing you cared about was boys, booze, and Bergdorf’s.

“What are you doing here?” She spat as she crossed her arms over her chest. “This party is invite only.” You smirked at her and cocked your eyebrow.

“I was invited, idiot. I have more clout in this town than you do.” You turned toward the sound of your nickname being called and waved at your friend, Georgina, who you knew was just saving you from Blair. You looked back at the bitch with a sarcastic smile and shrugged. “Get over yourself, B. You may think you rule the Upper East Side but no one gives a shit about you.” You turned in your five inch, Louis Vuitton’s and headed toward the ultimate VIP table in the center of the second level of the club.

“What did she want?” Georgie asked over the loud music as you walked through the red rope and sat down on the couch; making sure your short, red swoop dress was covering everything it needed to. You shrugged and took her offered coke straw as the curtain was dropped around the two couches for privacy.

“The fuck knows or cares.” You groaned as you twisted your long hair and flipped it over your shoulder. You leaned down to the table and inhaled deeply through your nose, letting the long line of white power cloud your senses and burn your navel cavity. You sat up with a loud ‘woo’  as you plugged the left side of your nose and snorted the coke back down your throat. “Where did that come from?”

“Your ‘boyfriend’.” She taunted as you leaned forward and did another line. You rolled your eyes as you sat back up and passed her back the straw to put in her purse. She knew the drill when she was with you. You fed her the drugs for free but she took the fall for them if you were ever to get caught. She knew you would bail her out of jail and help sweep it under the rug but you had a lot more to lose if you got caught with anything big.

“Eat me.” You teased as you grabbed the bottle of Krug champagne you had ordered earlier and took a big swig straight from the bottle. You propped the bottle on your knee and grabbed a cigarette from the pack on the table. “Is he in town?”

“He’s here.” Georgie said with a smile as she pulled the bottle from your hand and traded you for a Zippo, Carter’s Zippo, as if to make a point. “I mean, he was for like a minute when you were in the bathroom.” You nodded as you set the Zippo down on the table and cleaned off the remnants of the coke off the table with your middle finger. You signaled for the curtains to be opened back up as you brushed the coke along your gums.

“He’ll be back.” You said as you smoked your cigarette without a care in the world. You looked out at the people dancing on the dance floor as Georgina lit a cigarette.

“When are you just gunna admit you love that man as much as he loves you?” She asked as she watched you. You flipped her off as you took a long drag of your cigarette.

“He doesn’t love me. He loves that I feed his drug habit as much as my own.” She snorted and shook her head.

“Tink, he loves you. I have known the two of you since preschool. You and Carter Baizen are meant for each other.” You rolled your eyes and looked back over at her.

“People like me and Baizen don’t get to love.” You said with a hint of sadness in your voice. Georgie, your best friend in the world, knew what you meant and quickly changed the subject.

“Let’s go dance.” She said as she took one last drag of her cigarette and put it out with a smile.  You smiled at her as she put the champagne bottle back in the ice. You grabbed your purse, knowing if Carter had been there, he would have left you some Ecstasy. With a squeal of joy, you grabbed the little bag and shook the single pill at Georgie.

“That man knows me all too well.” You said as you pulled out the red, heart stamped pill and popped it in your mouth. “Let’s go dance, bitch!”

*******

Spotted: The REAL Queen of the Upper East Side in a stand off with self-proclaimed Queen B at Blanche. When will B learn that (i) will always come first in the eyes of the people? Once (i) shut B down, she danced the night away with tag-a-long G as B tucked tail and hid. Hey B, word to the wise, even I wouldn’t mess with the Queen.

You know you love me!

Xoxo Gossip Girl

~~~~~~ AGE 18 ~~~~~~

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you ran as fast as you could in heeled boots down Madison Ave. You knew you messed up. You pulled your hood over your face a bit more as you ducked into the back door of Carter’s building, praying that he was at least home and hadn’t left for his ‘self discovery’ trip yet. The ride to his floor felt like it took forever as you nervously danced from foot to foot. The second the door dinged open, you made a bee line to his bedroom. You didn’t care if you woke up his parents or the whole neighborhood, you just needed Carter.

“Babe?” You said softly as you pushed open his bedroom door. He sat bolt up right in bed, sending the naked girl laying on his chest flying as he blinked against the light from the hallway.

“(Y/N)?” He questioned as you burst into tears. He scrambled out of bed and flipped on the light; completely ignoring the other woman in the room.

“I didn’t tell.” You sobbed as you fell into his bare, muscular arms. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you to his chest.

“You need to leave, now.” He spat at the other woman as he walked you over to his bed. “Now!” You heard her scoff loudly as Carter grabbed a pair of sweat pants and pulled them on. He waited until the girl had completely left his room before he looked at you, his face riddled with concern. “What happened, baby?”

“Serena… she got picked up. She’s gunna throw us under the bus; I know it. She… she…” You gasped for air and shook your head frantically as you clung to Carter. “I think she’ll try to make a deal for you and me.” Carter stiffened and lurched off the bed to close his bedroom door.

“Tink, what the hell happened?” He asked quietly as he sat back down on the bed. You shook your head and wiped your tears away.

“We were in the park.” You gasped. “I was waiting for that guy, Pete you know and S decided to swim in the fountain cause she’s rolling her ass off. I told her she was fucking stupid and the next thing I know, she’s naked in the fountain and there are two cops coming toward her. I panicked, ‘cause I had like six 8-balls of coke and a bunch of X on me. So I shoved all the shit in her bag and ran. I heard her screaming that I was gunna pay and… and…” You burst into tears and he quickly pulled you into his arms. It wasn’t like you hadn’t been arrested before; you both had plenty of times. But this was class A felony weight. Serena had a chance, her step-dad was a lawyer. With your record, you would be screwed for years if you were to get caught. Your parents already told you they wouldn’t buy you out of a drug charge again.

“OK. I’ll fix this, baby. I’ll fix it.” He scrambled in his head to find a way out of this situation. “Alright, stay here for a minute.” He said as he stood up. You grabbed his wrist before he could walk away and frantically shook your head.

“Don’t leave me.” You begged. He shook his head and crouched down in front of you.

“I’m not leaving you, Tink. We’re gunna go to Vegas. Everyone basically knows you and I are the main dealers on the Upper East. If she rats, they can’t make us testify against each other if we are married. It’s her word against ours. Then you and I are going to get away from New York for a while. Far, far away somewhere that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the US.” You nodded as he reached up and brushed your tears away with his thumbs. He gave you a small, warm smile and stood up. “Let me grab my passport and some cash and then we’ll head to your house for yours, OK?” You nodded once more as he kissed your forehead.

“Thank you.” You whispered as he headed toward his closet to get dressed. He smiled back at you and shrugged.

“That’s what best friends are for, babe.”

******

Things have gotten a little wild tonight in the Upper East and you know I have all the 411! Spotted: S has found herself some new jewelry… a matching set of connected silver bracelets that reflect the red and blue lights wonderfully. When will that girl ever learn that fountain diving is not a good idea?

Spotted (via @RealQueenoftheUES Instagram): For those of you who haven’t seen, (i) has graced us with a lovely selfie of her and C on a beach in Tahiti but that’s not why I am pointing it out… It seems that (i) has a very big rock on a very important finger. Has (i) finally accepted what we all can see… that she and C were meant to be?

You know you love me!

Xoxo Gossip Girl

~~~~~~~Present day ~~~~~~~~~

“Tink…” You pulled yourself out of your daze and focused on Carter’s beautiful, blue eyes. You gave him a small smile as his eyes searched yours. He held your left hand tightly in his as he waited for your answer; his fingers playing with your wedding ring nervously. You looked back at Anna with a small sigh.

“Sorry. What now?” You asked as you tightened your fingers around Carter’s in your hand. She smiled as she rested her forearms on her desk.

“We were talking about the divorce again. You and I talked about this briefly before you left…” You nodded and looked down at your lap.

“Despite the fact that we have been legally married for five years, neither of us know how to be married.” You said, honestly as you looked back up at her. “We got married for the wrong reason and after that first few months, we never did the whole ‘husband and wife’ thing. We both slept around, we never lived with each other, hell the only thing we shared was our last name and our honeymoon bed. But when I saw him with Serena…” You shook your head and sighed as Carter squeezed your hand. “I just figured he would rather be with her so I went a little crazy. And then coming out of rehab after my overdose to find out about the whole Serena thing… again.” You looked back at your husband with tears in your eyes and gave him a weak, tight lipped smile.

“I really do love you. I have since I was nine.” You whispered, not trusting your voice any higher than that as you reached up and brushed your thumb across his cheek to catch his tears. “I would love to be married to you. But no matter how much I wanted it, there has never been a marriage between us…” He nodded as he reached up and flattened your hand against his cheek under his own.

“I know and that’s my fault.” He said softly. “You’re right, we did get married for the wrong reason and yea, I may have liked Serena but she’s not my Tinkerbell. I do want to try to salvage this. You’ve always been my best friend, (Y/N). I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else.” Tears fell down your cheeks as he gently kissed the palm of your hand.

“Me neither but I need you to be serious, Carter. I can’t take a marriage seriously…”

“I’m yours.” He interrupted. “Like I said in your room, I will never even look at Serena if it means keeping you in my life.” His fingers tightened around yours on his cheeks and his eyes pleaded with you. “Tink…” You bit your lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood as a fresh wave of tears spilled from his eyes.

“When I got those papers, I knew, deep down, I had been fucking this up for years. I can’t lose my best friend. Serena means nothing. Blair, Georgie, Katie… all those girls mean nothing to me. You are the woman I need by my side. And I know just my words mean nothing after all this time, but please, baby. Please give me the chance to prove it to you.”

~~~~~~AGE 19~~~~~~~~

“Carter!” You called out as you walked into his house on a mission. You could hear loud moans and grunts coming from his bedroom and you simply shrugged and headed toward his door. “Hi sunshine.” You said cheerily as you walked into his bedroom, which was technically the bedroom you should be sharing with him since he was your husband and all.

“Whoa! Who’s she?” The girl Carter was banging shouted as you walked over to his bedside table in search of his personal drug stash.

“She’s my wife. Just ignore her.” He growled as his hips continued to slam into the girl. She let out a choked, shocked moan as she arched off the bed into him.

“She’s totally faking.” You teased as you grabbed a couple packets of heroin out of his drawer. His hips pumped a couple more times before he growled. He pulled out and flopped down on the bed next to the girl with a sigh.

“What the hell, Tink?” He asked as he snatched packets out of your hand. “Couldn’t wait five minutes?” You shook your head as he looked at the wax paper packets. “And why the fuck do you want heroin?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were married?” The girl shouted as she tried to pull the blanket up over her naked body. You looked over at her as you snatched the packets back from Carter.

“We did it for the tax cut. And I want H because I want H, thank you very much.” You pulled a cigarette from his pack and stuck it behind your ear with a smile. “Call me when you’re done here, K?”

“Oh, no. You can have him now. I’m not a home wrecker.” The girl scrambled from the bed causing Carter to groan as he ripped off the condom he had on.

“You’re not a home wrecker, trust me.” He sighed as he grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lit one. You watched the girl go, knowing that Carter was absolutely indifferent toward her staying or leaving, and sat down on the bed next to him. “You’re such an asshole.” You shrugged as you pulled a small satchel and a bottle of water out of your bag.

“I saved you from shit sex. You’re welcome.” He reached over and grabbed the cigarette behind your ear and lit it for you.

“You’re not shooting that shit in here.” He said as he watched you set your stuff up on your lap. You reached out grabbed a new syringe from your satchel.

“Even though I got one for you, too, hubby.” You turned back to look at him over your shoulder and slowly, a small smile spread across his face as he set an ashtray on the bed between you.

“You are the worst influence in the world.” He grumbled as he got out of bed and grabbed a pair of basketball shorts on his way to shut his bedroom door. You shrugged as you opened a packet of heroin and dumped it onto a real, Italian silver spoon you stole from your mother’s wedding set.

“You started all this.” You told him as you uncapped one of the syringes and the bottle of water.  “If I’m not mistaken, you were the one who introduced me to weed at 9 years old. And gave me that God-awful nickname.” He laughed as he pulled his belt from his pants and flipped on the TV.

“You brought that on yourself. Who wears a Tinkerbell shirt at 9 years old?” You shrugged as you reached over and grabbed his lighter from the table.

“A bad ass, that’s who.” He let you concentrate as you cooked the heroin, expertly. He rolled up a ball of cotton from the end of a Q-tip for you and you carefully laid the spoon on your satchel.

“Do you regret it?” He asked softly as you used the point of the needle to push the small ball of cotton around the brown liquid in the spoon. Your brow furrowed as you pulled the liquid through the cotton into the syringe.

“What?” You took the belt from him and wrapped it around his upper arm tightly.

“Meeting me.” You looked up at him as you used your fingers to locate a vein in his arm.

“Not at all. You have brought a whole new level of excitement to my life and I wouldn’t change that for the world.” He smiled as you flicked the air bubbles to the top of the syringe and pushed the plunger the tiniest bit to get them out.

“Ready?” He nodded and pulled the belt strap tight for you. With a smile, you pushed the needle into his vein, pulled back the plunger to make sure you hit your mark and with the flash of his blood, you pushed the plunger home. He let go of the belt and waited only a second before the familiar, squeeze of his heart had his eyes fluttering closed.

“God, that’s good.” He sighed as he fell back against the headboard. You smiled as you pulled some more water from the bottle with his syringe.

“It’s heaven.” You replied as you set up the wash for him. “Great way to forget about the fact that, as the new Baizen couple, we’re supposed to go that charity thing for my mom since we’re married and shit.” He groaned as he pulled the belt tighter once more.

“Is that tonight?” He sighed as he looked at you through half lidded eyes. You nodded as you found his vein once more.

“Hence the reason I wanted to go down today.” He smiled, goofily as you pushed the plunger home once more.

“You’re a good wife.” He sighed as you capped his syringe and tossed it onto his bedside table.

“That’s why you married me.” He chuckled as you licked the left over heroin off the spoon and spit the cotton across the room to get your packet started.

“Yea, that’s why.”

~~~~~~AGE 22 ~~~~~~~

“Well, Mrs. Baizen. Welcome back to my court room.” Judge Scott said as you stood in a tacky orange jumpsuit in the court room. You gave him a sarcastic smile as he looked at the charges against you. “Possession of marijuana… again.”

“Wasn’t mine.” You said simply as you looked down at your nails. This was all Chuck Bass’ fault; his twisted sort of pay back for Carter signing a deal first with the owner of a bar Chuck wanted to own. Chuck always went for the low blow and attacked the people closest to his enemies.

“Yea, I bet it belonged to the Easter bunny.” Judge Scott said as he flipped your thick criminal file closed. He knew he couldn’t throw you in jail for the minimal amount of marijuana you had been busted with. He also knew you would quickly buy your way out of probation. An idea came to mind and a slow smile spread across his face. “I don’t wanna see you back in my court room. 28 days in Peace River drug and alcohol facility ought to straighten you out. Check in by tomorrow morning or you’ll spend 6 months in county.”

“What?!” You screamed as a bailiff came over and took your arm. “You can’t send me to rehab!”

“I just did. Keep yelling and I’ll make it double.” You growled a scream through grit teeth as you were carted back down the hall to be released.

“Such bullshit!”

——

“He’s sending you to rehab?” Serena asked as you threw clothes into the suitcase on your bed. You nodded as you stormed back into your closet.

“This is all Chuck’s fault.” You shouted out at your friend as you ripped a stack of designer jeans off your shelf and stormed back into your room. “You make sure you pass on the message that he has 30 fucking days to leave the damn country because when I get out, I’m coming for him AND Blair.” Serena nodded as she refolded the clothes you were throwing into the suitcase.

“Did you tell Carter?” You shook your head and headed into your bathroom and started grabbing your make-up.

“He’s like in school or rebuilding houses or something.” You called out as you angrily gathered your brushes together. “I don’t know, I haven’t talked to him in like… three weeks?”

“Why did you get married then?” Your hands froze as you remembered exactly why you and Carter got married and you bit your lip.

“It was a dare.” You called out with a shrug of your shoulders, hoping your frenemy would believe your lie. Serena laughed as you walked back into the room and put your make up bag in your Globe-Trotter trunk-like suitcase.

“Wow! You got married because of a dare?” You glared over at her and cocked your eyebrow.

“Because you’re the pillar of making the right choices all the time, right S?” Her laughter stopped immediately and she sat up a little straighter on your bed as you grabbed your cigarettes off the bedside table. “Yea, that’s what I thought.”

“Sorry.” You nodded at her as you exhaled sharply and sat down on the bed.

“Yea, sure.” You could only sit still for a minute before you got up and headed into your bathroom to get the rest of your bathroom stuff. “I can’t believe that asshole is sending me to rehab.” You groaned, wanting to change the subject.

“Well it could be worse… you could always be in jail.”

“Or boarding school.” You grumbled to yourself. You grabbed the rest of your stuff and headed back out into your room. “Mark my words, S. Chuck Bass is gunna pay for this.”

——

“You’re not taking my wedding ring!” You shouted as you watched the nurse put your entire make up bag in a box with your first name on it marked ‘contraband’. “It’s bad enough you’re taking my make-up and most of my clothing, I’ll be damned if you think I’m handing over my ring to just be put in a box.”

“Ma’am, please. It’s just so it doesn’t get misplaced or…”

“Tink?” You spun in your spot at the sound of Carter’s voice and instantly burst into tears as your emotions of being forced into this hellish situation buried you.

“They’re trying to take my ring.” You sobbed as he wrapped his arms around you. He chuckled softly as he ran his hands through your hair.

“Awww, baby…”

“Baizen, no fraternization with the opposite sex.” The woman who was checking your belongings sighed.

“Fuck off, nurse Ratchet. I can give my wife a hug if I fucking want to!” Carter shouted at her as he pulled you closer to him, protectively. He kissed the top of your head and glared at the nurse, who had given up trying to really enforce the rehab’s rules years ago, as he moved you away from the counter. You sniffled as he sat down on one of the chairs in the nurses station and pulled you on to his lap. He flipped off a different staff member that tried to tell him he was breaking the rules as he gently rubbed your back.

“What are you doing here?” He asked as he reached up and wiped the tears off your cheeks.

“Bass set me up and the judge sent me here this morning.” His face hardened at the news and he slowly shook his head.

“I’m gunna kill him.” He said simply. “He set my ass up last week, too. I got here day before yesterday.” You scoffed and shook your head.

“You would think the judge would look into what rehab he put the other Baizen in before they sentenced me.” You sighed as you looked over at your wardrobe being removed from your suitcase. “What the hell is this?” You asked as they tossed outfit after outfit into the contraband box for being ‘too revealing’ and ‘inappropriate’. “They’re gunna make me walk around naked.”

“You can borrow some of my clothes, baby cakes.” He said as he rubbed your back. He reached up and turned your chin toward him and you caught the devilish glint in his eye. A smile spread across your face.

“You’re packing, aren’t you?” You whispered softly. He nodded his head subtly as his eyes darted around the room to make sure you weren't over heard.

“You know it. I know this is your first rodeo here so just stick with me, I’ll get you through it. With my last name, they won’t kick you out.” You nodded at him as he put his hands on your hips and stood both of you up.

“Thanks for telling my you got arrested, butt head.” You teased as you whacked his arm. He looked over at you and leaned against the counter to wait with you for your room assignment.

“Did you even try calling me to tell me you got arrested?” He countered with his eyebrow raised.

“Shut up.” You said as you looked back at the small pile of clothing that was deemed ‘OK’ for you to wear on the counter. “Oh, if Serena asks, we got married on a dare because I totally don’t love you at all.” He chuckled as ‘nurse Ratchet’ started going through your bathroom products.

“So ‘dare’ was what you came up with?” You nodded at him with a smile.

“As opposed to the truth?” He pouted his bottom lip out and shrugged.

“Touché. So you’re putting husband and wife in the same room right, Jean?” Carter said as he turned his body toward the counter. You felt his fingers slide into your hand and you grabbed the small baggie of coke he was handing you. Jean, the nurse that was going through your stuff, looked up at him and scoffed as you quickly tucked the baggie into the front of your pants.

“Nice try, Baizen.” She said as she put your hair spray into the contraband box.

“What am I gunna do with that? Lock myself in the bathroom and hair spray myself high?” Jean looked up at you through her lashes as she dropped your spray deodorant into the box.

“I’ve seen it before.” You rolled your eyes and leaned on the counter toward Carter.

“When we go home, we’re going hardcore fishing.” He nodded in agreement as Jean got up to get you a cheap stick of deodorant to replace yours for the next four weeks.

“Oh, trust me… the Baizen’s are mounting a Bass above the fireplace a.s.a.p.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You power walked into Carter’s building as fast as your mid-calf, lace up, black, Jimmy Choo heeled boots would allow. A giant, permanent smile was plastered to your face and the evening news paper was gripped tight in your fist. You impatiently slammed the elevator button and looked back down at the picture of Chuck Bass’ stunned and mortified face when his club was raided for an illegal liquor license; a license that you may or may not have had a hand in forging for his uncle, Jack as pay back. The entire scheme had taken you and Carter two months of paying off and conniving but after all the stress, the payout was absolutely worth it. Especially because there was no way Jack or Chuck could trace it back to you.

You walked into the Baizen house on a mission, ready to start your night of partying early to celebrate the win. You could hear the moans and groans of more than one woman, gasping Carter’s name and moaning loudly, as you pushed the door to his room open. You made it two steps in, your mouth open the slightest bit to call out your best friend’s name but the sound and your breath caught in your throat. You had never been jealous that your husband slept around; hell, you slept around, too. But he was crossing a line with the two women he had in his bed.

Carter had Blair’s hip gripped tightly in his left hand as his right worked Serena’s pussy with accuracy. The two women were alternating making out and moaning, arching off the bed and clinging to each other in their passion. Your heart iced over as your shock morphed from heart break to fury. Without a word, revenge once again clouded your mind and you grabbed your phone from the back pocket of your skinny jeans. With two silent snaps of your camera, you spun on the beige carpet and walked out of the room on a mission.

You stormed with purpose to the brightly lit tower in front of you a few blocks away. It wasn’t that Carter was cheating on you that bothered you. It was Serena. You knew that she was the one woman that could take Carter away from you permanently. He was your best friend in the world; the only person you could rely on no matter what. You knew that if the two of you hadn’t gotten married to each other to save your own skin, when either of you actually got married, you would always be the woman he went to first in a crisis and vice versa. But not if Serena was his wife. She was the only woman that had ever held the other half of his heart.

“What are you doing here, Baizen?” Chuck snapped as you walked into his penthouse.

“Payback.” You replied simply as you pulled up the photos and handed him your phone. You watched his eyes go wide and he sat bolt upright on the couch.

“When was this?” He asked as he looked up at you.

“Just now.” You took the phone back with a shrug and looked at the time. “I’m going… out of fucking New York for a while. If you wanna come with, I’ll be at the air strip in an hour. I’ll be looking for payback…”

“Oh, trust me. I may hate you but I hate your fake husband more.” He stood up in front of you with an almost evil smirk as his eyes danced down your body. “And revenge is a Bass tradition.” You matched his smirk and tilted your head to the side.

“Good, because it’s a Baizen tradition, too.”

——

“You sure you want to do this?” Chuck asked as you poured two glasses of champagne. You shrugged as you set the bottle down and grabbed the two glasses.

“I've had worse ideas.” You said with a smile as you sat down on the couch next to him, barely clothed in lace lingerie, with a smile. You handed him the glass and settled your bare legs across his lap. He let out a soft hum as he ran his fingers across your skin, raising goosebumps in his wake.

“Look, I’m just here for the revenge.” He said as you took a sip of champagne. You nodded as you laid back on the arm rest of the couch in the Bass Industries private jet.

“Same here. No offense, but I definitely don’t want a relationship with you.” He nodded in silent agreement as he took a gulp of his own champagne.

“So let’s agree on this; one month of very public debauchery. Then we go our separate ways and let the chips fall where they may.”

“I would like to fuck you at least once. Just to see if the rumors are true.” He chuckled as he tapped his glass against yours.

“Oh, trust me. Conquering Carter Baizen’s wife is definitely on my sexual bucket list.” You smirked as you grabbed his glass and set both of them on the table behind you.

“You know, it has been a few months since I paid my dues to the mile high club.” He chuckled as he shifted on the seat to lay between your legs on top of you.

“I think it’s gunna be a pleasure doing business with you.”

******

They say revenge is a dish best served ice cold but this revenge looks far from chilly. It seems the two reigning Queens have done a little man swap… and things really are heating up.

Spotted: (i) and C getting closer than close and by the looks of all the photos I’ve seen, a very big ring seems to be no where in sight. Normally, I would wonder if the other C is concerned but he seems a little too preoccupied with B… and S… and even G for that matter. Looks like he has his hands full this summer… literally. As always, I’ll keep you posted on the fiery developments.

You know you love me!

Xoxo Gossip Girl

*******

@RealQueenoftheUES: I promise you, my loves, I’m not going home alone tonight. Who knows? Maybe Bass Industries and (Y/L/N) Inc. could see a different kind of friendly merger in the future… and not just between the sheets ;) Muah!!

*******

It seems that most of our favorite Upper East Siders are finally settling in at home just in time for the holidays. C & B have finally reconciled after their separate ‘summers of love’, S & D are finally working out their issues, G has settled back in to mommy hood and C has found himself back in rehab again… but where’s (i)? Has anyone heard from her in the past few months? I don’t think I’m the only one concerned about our reigning Queen.

You know you love me!

Xoxo Gossip Girl

~~~~~~~ AGE 23 ~~~~~~~

“I need the key to (Y/N) Baizen’s room.” Carter said as he showed the desk clerk of the hotel his ID. It had taken him four months when he got out of court issued rehab and three different private investigators to finally track you down but he knew he would be the only one to convince you to come home. His stomach turned as the clerk called over another man and began speaking in rapid French. His fearful eyes danced frantically between the two men as he prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that you were OK.

You had called him from Spain three weeks prior, drunk off your ass and higher than the stars, screaming at him for ‘what he had done’. He scrambled to try to calm you down but it was useless. Tears poured down his cheeks as he begged you to tell him where you were; begged you to end his and your parents suffering of having a missing daughter and wife but you stubbornly refused. By the time he arrived at the hotel you had called from the next night, you were gone again.

“Mr. Baizen, Mrs. Baizen has asked that we not allow…”

“I don’t care what she asked!” Carter shouted at the second man. “My wife has been missing for six months and I know she’s here!” The two employees looked at each other as a female manager came over.

“Penthouse, west tower.” She said simply as she created a room key for him. “I have been checking on her myself since she checked in. If I may be so bold, she needs help, Mr. Baizen.” He felt the air get squeezed out of his lungs as he took the key with a grateful nod.

“Thank you.” He replied, his words coming out choked. He ran in the direction the woman had pointed and pounded on the elevator button. Every moment felt like an hour as he waited impatiently. By the time he scanned your floor card and made it up to your suite, his whole body shook and he felt more nauseous that he ever had. When the doors to the room opened, he froze for only a moment.

“Baby!” He screamed as he stumbled to your unconscious body, laying on the floor in the middle of the front room in a pool of vomit. He carefully turned your way to thin, burning hot body onto your back as tears welled in his eyes. “Shit, (Y/N). What did you do?” He slipped his arms under your knees and behind your back and lifted you up as tears began to fall down his cheeks. You groaned and gasped for air, giving him some semblance of hope as he quickly kicked off his shoes and headed toward the bathroom. He had seen alcohol poisoning and cocaine overdose before but seeing it in the woman he loved was gut wrenching.

“I got you, Tink.” He whispered as he turned on the cold water and stepped into the shower, not caring about his clothes, phone or wallet. He sat down in the tub, letting the ice cold water hit both of your bodies as he pulled your frail body close to his. He sobbed as he ran his fingers through your dirty, tangled hair as pain and anger coursed through him.

“Why didn’t you just tell me where you were?!” He demanded as he pulled his wet phone out of his pocket. His hands shook as he shook the water off it and dialed 1-1-2, the emergency services number in France. He told the woman on the phone in broken French and panicked English what was wrong as you threw up again on his chest seconds before your body began to convulse in his arms.

“Just hurry… please hurry.” He nearly shouted at the operator. He put the phone on speaker and set it on the edge of the tub to wait for the ambulance as he held you in his arms. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” He mumbled into your wet hair as he sat you up a little more on his lap in case you vomited again. “I’m so sorry.”

——

Every bone, muscle and fiber of your body ached as you came too. You didn’t remember laying down in bed; hell, you didn’t even remember laying down but you could tell that where ever you were, was not good. Very cautiously, you forced your heavy eye lids open with a moan of protest.

“About time.” Your mother said as you squinted against the blinding white light in the room. Your brow furrowed as you tried to blink the room into focus so you could see the three faces staring back at you a little more clearly.

“Hey, Tink.” Carter said softly as your dad went to go get the nurse. He smiled at you as you focused on his tear stained face next to you. “Scared the shit outta me, baby.”

“Wha… ‘app’n’d?” You gasped, your voice raw and your throat dry and scratchy.

“You overdosed… again.” Your mother, Jane, spat angrily as your dad and the nurse walked into the room. “We had to cancel our skiing trip to come to Paris of all places to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. God, (Y/N). You’re so selfish.” Your dad said ‘Jane’ warningly as Carter looked over to glare at her.

“Don’t start. She’s obviously going through something.” Carter started but your mother, who you knew saw you like a burden, raised her hand at him.

“Carter, you’re the last person that should be dishing out advice to me.” She said simply as she glared over at him.

“Yea, well I never asked you to come and drop your negativity…” He retorted as the nurse came over to sit your bed up and check your vitals.

“Stop.” You croaked with a weak shake of your head. “Just… go ski. All of you. Leave me alone.” Your best friend shook his head and moved from the chair to sitting on the bed next to you as he grabbed a hospital issue, complimentary water jug off the bed side table.

“I’m staying right here.” He said softly as your mother, taking your statement as permission for her to no longer care, grabbed her purse and left the hospital room with a shrug. Carter gave you a weak, warm smile as your dad simply told the nurse to call him with the bill when you checked out and walked out after your mother with the nurse.

“A plus parenting.” You mumbled as you took a gulp of ice cold water through the plastic straw. You looked over at your husband with tears in your eyes. “Why…?”

“Because I love you.” He said softly as he brushed your hair behind your ears. “I’d be lost without my best friend.” You rolled your head away from his as tears spilled from your eyes.

“Why her?” You asked as you looked back over at him with a shake of your head. “Out of everyone in Manhattan…”

“Tink, I don’t know…”

“I saw you, Carter. With Serena… and Blair for that matter.” His jaw snapped shut and he stiffened a bit.

“That’s why you went to Chuck.” You nodded as you tried to wipe your tears away. Carter gently moved your arm back down to the bed so you wouldn’t get your IV and your heart rate monitor leads tangled and wiped your tears away.

“It meant nothing.” He said softly with a shake of his head. “Just a hook up. I love you, not her.”

“Carter, I know you better than that.” You said with a small shake of your head. “You love her.” Tears welled in his eyes.

“No… no baby, I…” You looked away from him and closed your eyes.

“You should go.”

“(Y/N)…” He tried but you shook your head.

“Just go, Carter.” You heard him sigh as he stood up with tears in his eyes, knowing he wasn’t going to be changing your mind. You rolled your head toward him and opened one eye. “Can you call Peace River for me? See if they can get me a bed?” He nodded as he bent down and kissed your forehead.

“I’m staying in Paris until you get out of the hospital. I’ll get everything all set up and fly back to New York with you. I don’t want you to be alone.” You nodded in agreement as he pulled your wedding ring, which you had left in your make up bag when you were getting ready for the Kentucky Derby with Chuck, out of his pocket and slid it back on your finger.

“Thanks Carter.” You whispered as he headed out of the room. You barely heard him say ‘no problem’ as he headed out of the room, heart broken.

~~~~~~ 2 MONTHS PRIOR TO PRESENT DAY; AGE 24~~~~~~~~

You sat in the back of your town car as your driver loaded your suitcases into the trunk, annoyed that Carter hadn’t picked you up like he promised he would. You knew exactly where he was, too. The same place he had been everyday since you got out of the hospital; at Serena’s. You knew he had lied to you; that his promises that he wasn’t in love with Serena were all bullshit, but you didn’t expect it to impact your friendship this way.

“Carl, can you take me to my lawyer.” You said to your driver once he got in the car as you spun your wedding ring on your finger. You looked out the window of the car, pulled your scarf off your neck and set it on the seat next to you with a sigh. You told yourself you weren’t going to cry any more as you pulled your ring off your ring finger and moved it to your middle finger with a sigh.

“Of course, Ms. Baizen.” Carl said as he pulled out of the Peace River parking lot. You shook your head as you reached up to hit the button to close the divider between you two.

“It’s Ms. (Y/L/N).”

——

“You filed for divorce?!” Carter shouted as he stormed into your bedroom. You picked your head up off the bare chest of the man (Sam, Steve, you couldn’t remember) you spent the night with and nodded.

“Yep. Now you can go be with Serena like you want to.” You laid your head back down as Carter moved so he was standing next to the bed where you could see him.

“I don’t want to be with Serena, Tink! I want you!” You rolled your eyes and sighed heavily.

“Carter, can you just fuck off?”

“Should I go?” Shane (or whatever it was) asked. You said ‘no’ as Carter shouted ‘yes’, causing   Seth to get off the bed.

“Call me later, Sean.” You called out as you sat up in bed, not giving a damn to the fact that you were completely naked. He looked back at you as he pulled on his jeans.

“It’s Spencer.” You snapped your fingers and pointed at him as Carter snorted.

“I knew it was an S name.” You said as Spencer stormed out of the room with his shirt and shoes still in his hands. You looked at Carter with your eyebrow cocked as he sat down on the bed by your knees.

“Don’t do this, Tink. When I found you in Paris, nearly dead, I realized that I couldn’t lose you. I want to be with you. I want you to be my wife, want your face to be the first thing I see in the mornings and the last thing I see at night…” You shook your head as you looked at his coke-blown pupils.

“You’re high as a kite right now. I actually want to be sober for a while…”

“I’m gunna get sober, too. I already have a call into P.R. for a bed.” He grabbed your hands tight and when he felt your ring on the wrong finger, he quickly grabbed your hand and moved your wedding ring back onto the right finger. “I won’t lose my best friend. I won’t lose you. I love you, with my whole heart…”

“Then why were you with Serena when you were supposed to be picking me up from rehab, huh? Why were you with Serena when you promised me on the plane that you wouldn’t see her again.”

“I don’t know.” He sighed as he got up off the bed and buried his face in his hands. He shook his head as he looked back over at you. He stuck his hands out to the side and shrugged with a shake of his head. “I have no excuse, baby. We’ve been doing this… fucked up, sleep our way around Manhattan, dysfunctional relationship bullshit our whole lives. But when I got those papers…” You watched tears well in his eyes as he sat back down on the bed and took your hand again.

“I can’t sign those, Tink. I won’t. I know the moment I do, I will lose my best friend, the only woman I love and trust with everything I have, forever. I thought I wanted Serena but if having her means losing you… I’d rather die.” You bit your lip as tears welled in your eyes.

“We can’t do this when your high.” You said softly as you looked at him. He nodded almost frantically as he squeezed your hands.

“Don’t leave me yet. Not yet.” You shook your head as you brushed his tears off his cheek.

“I won’t.”

~~~~~~ PRESENT DAY ~~~~~~~~~

“Lets go on an actual honeymoon.” Carter said as he climbed into the town car next to you on the last day of his 28 day stay in rehab. “Consider it the start of a new chapter in our marriage.”  You cocked your eyebrow at him as he scooted across the seat and pulled you into his side.

“You want to go on a honeymoon, fresh out of rehab, after 5 years of marriage?” He shrugged as he reached up to close the divider to the front of the car.

“I don’t know about you but I don't wanna count the first five years of our marriage.” He said as he ran his fingers down your arm and laced them with yours. “I wanna start fresh. Like we just started dating, despite the fact that we’re married. I wanna get a place together and I want you to be the only woman in my bed ever again.” He pulled your hand across the front of your body and kissed your fingertips.

“And when the time is right and we have worked through our massive list of issues with that councilor Anna suggested…” He kissed your fingers again and tilted his head to look at you with a smile. “We’ll have a real wedding. White dress, a few friends and family. Dancing, and cake fights; the whole nine.” You smiled up at him and nodded as he kissed your fingers again.

“I think I can agree to that.” You agreed as he gave you a chaste kiss. You twisted on the seat and swung your legs over his lap. “You gunna be the one to pick out my ring this time?” He chuckled and nodded as he looked at your old ring.

“I think I can agree to that.” You smiled as you leaned forward and gave him another kiss.

“Well that sounds like a plan to me.”

[saintkitten]

TumblrFrostbite's AU Question: If Harvey Dent NEVER had his face scarred, no thanks to unfortunate circumstances, how different would Harvey's life be if he's still a district attorney and ally of Batman and Gordon? Note: This scenario could take place in any DC canon. ANY DC canon.

i don’t know you or why you are asking me this but it’s a neat question so i’ll answer anyway

given that what this changes is his origin as given by “the long halloween” (fuck the new 52 version), it completely depends upon our interpretation of the ending and who, exactly, performed each of the holiday killings. the three people who take credit are alberto falcone, two-face, and gilda dent.

the story gordon and batman decide on are alberto falcone doing all the killings (and faking his own death) up until the halloween that two-face emerges and kills falcone. they think that this is what makes two holiday killers, like two-face tells them when he turns himself in.

but, later, we learn what might be the real truth: that the two killers were gilda dent and harvey, before he became two-face. gilda claims she started the killings and did them all up until new year’s, when alberto was shot and thrown off the yacht. that’s the night harvey comes home suspiciously wet and gilda takes it as a sign that he took up the killings from that night on (gilda likely not being able to kill someone that day because the gordons spend new year’s with them, limiting her chances to move). we have no idea if harvey knew she was the killer and took over to protect her, or if he just started to use the holiday killer’s style as camouflage to perform his own executions, fed up with not being able to take down the mob “the right way”.

alberto falcone is very smug when his father visits him in prison and tells him to just admit to killing maroni so he can get him off. alberto says his reputation as the holiday killer makes him stronger and refuses, confessing to all of the killings. now, depending on the two possibilities, this is either because a) alberto really did kill everyone and faked his death deliberately to throw off suspicion, or b) harvey failed to actually kill him on new year’s, falcone probably fished him from the river and kept his survival a secret for his own protection and/or because it could benefit him in the future, and falcone eventually sent alberto to kill maroni in the prison in a faux holiday killing on the unfortunate night that gordon and batman had the trap set. if so, the holiday killer reputation simply fell right into alberto’s grateful lap.

gilda clearly believes that the second choice is the truth. to decide who is right, let’s look at the order of events:

gordon, batman, and harvey make their pact to stop the mafia by bending but never breaking the rules. batman gives harvey a ledger he stole from falcone, which would have the name of probably everyone the holiday killer eventually killed. this puts his (and gilda’s) knowledge of people to kill at the same level as alberto’s.

halloween: johnny viti, falcone’s nephew and hitman, is killed by the holiday killer (dent is noticeably unbothered; this is a murder dent definitely did not commit, and so indicates his changing morality. in fact, he is very unbothered by all of the holiday killings, seeming to secretly approve of them)

later the same day: catwoman leads batman and harvey to a safehouse for falcone’s money. harvey wants to take some (changing morals!) but batman says no. they burn it down. dent returns home and his house blows up, harvey and gilda barely surviving. we learn that the gang the irish is responsible, on orders from falcone.

thanksgiving: the irish are all killed by the holiday killer. (note: they seem to recognize the killer before they die. they would recognize gilda or alberto, but would probably only be surprised to see gilda.)

christmas: milos grappa, falcone’s bodyguard, is killed by the holiday killer

new year’s eve: alberto falcone is gunned down by the holiday killer, but secretly survives (or: he fakes his death). harvey comes home all wet and the dents spend the evening with the gordons. falcone and maroni discuss the holiday killer and falcone believes that since only his people have been killed, maroni is behind it.

on valentine’s day and st. patrick’s day, a bunch of maroni’s people are killed by the holiday killer. we still don’t know why there was this change, but if harvey was the killer and was therefore hidden on that yacht before shooting alberto, he might have overheard the conversation between falcone and maroni and decided to send the message that this was not the beginning of a mob war but someone else passing judgement on them.

april fool’s: holiday spares the riddler, who we later learn was hired by falcone to find the killer’s identity. batman thinks he was left alive to spread word that falcone was looking for holiday. if the speculation in the previous bullet point is true, then this would be a similar message. (note: the riddler thinks that holiday was a woman, giving clout to gilda’s secret confession)

mother’s day: the dude who made holiday’s guns is killed after his existence is discovered by sofia gigante. this is also the day harvey takes bruce wayne to court thinking he’s connected to falcone, limiting his movements and giving credence to alberto being the killer and covering his tracks)

father’s day: maroni’s father is killed

independence day: jasper dolan, the coroner, is killed. the first “civilian” to be killed, possibly to cover up alberto’s survival. he did nothing, as far as we know, to warrant a holiday killing otherwise.

august 2nd, falcone’s birthday: maroni is on trial to testify against falcone. gilda confronts harvey with a gun like the holiday killer’s that she found in the basement. harvey brushes her off. in hindsight, this was likely gilda trying to reach out.

at the trial, maroni disfigures harvey. he escapes when he arrives at the hospital. the same day, falcone’s sister carla is killed by holiday while investigating the previously murdered coroner’s reports on the killings. she was either killed for being a falcone or because she was about to discover alberto was alive.

there are no more holiday killings as of labor day (but there’s no real substantial holidays between those days anyway). harvey has been in hiding in the sewers, seen by no one but solomon grundy. gordon thinks harvey was the killer, batman refuses to believe it (they had found harvey’s briefcase which contained a gun like the holiday’s killer and the ledger mentioned previously). after a bunch of false leads, they talk to calendar man who points out that it’s a holiday and so they can probably expect an attack. (note: he refers to holiday as both “he” and “she”, hinting that he knows there were two killers, and one was gilda) they decide to set a trap.

labor day: maroni is killed, a disguised batman beats alberto falcone, revealed as the killer, nearly to death before gordon arrests him. falcone asks alberto to only admit to killing maroni rather than being holiday, alberto refuses. he seems to admit to an unknowing falcone that he became the holiday killer to spite him for not letting him join the family business. this does put a hole in the idea above that he only killed maroni on falcone’s orders.

halloween: two-face releases all the inmates in arkham (except calendar man - the coin says no but he might also not want him to tell people about gilda?) and kills falcone in front of batman, and later his corrupt assistant who provided maroni with the acid. he turns himself in to gordon and batman and tells them that there were two holiday killers.

christmas eve: gilda burns all the evidence of her being the holiday killer, describing to herself how she did it and her theory about harvey taking up the killings and alberto being a liar.

there are three common theories:

gilda is insane, alberto performed all the killings. the biggest arguing point for this is that gilda is confined to a wheelchair after their house blows up and so could not possibly kill the irish herself. the biggest arguing point against this is why the hell did gilda have the guns, the coat, etc. in the ending if she never used them?

gilda was correct, she performed the first of the killings until harvey took over, and alberto is lying.

gilda and alberto were the killers, neither knowing about the other. gilda did all the killings until christmas, alberto faked his death on new year’s and took over out of anger at falcone. two-face saying that there were two killers possibly indicates that he knew gilda was the first killer, and this is why he wanted to focus more on the mob and barely investigate the holiday murders.

theories number 2 and 3 are supported by two-face getting angry in DARK VICTORY when calendar man refers to holiday as a woman, since it seems he wants to keep gilda’s actions secret to protect her.

so: even without harvey turning into two-face, he is shown to have fluctuating morals from chapter one. if alberto was the killer, he nonetheless shows slight support for what the holiday killer is achieving, and really doesn’t focus on catching him, only caring about taking down falcone. if gilda was the first killer, he also shows a willingness to cover up for her crimes, something batman and gordon would definitely not approve of, especially in those early days.

harvey dent was slowly becoming someone that batman would eventually consider corrupt and an enemy, even though they were at the time still friends to the point of batman refusing to think harvey could be the killer. it would take time but it would happen.

so the real, important question is this: was harvey the second holiday killer? did he kill those people even before becoming two-face?

if he wasn’t, then the only thing that him not becoming two-face would change is that he would not be the one to kill carmine falcone on that halloween. this still leaves us with a harvey obsessed with taking down falcone. if alberto did not truly turn on his father and give them some real, solid shit to take him down with, then nothing would change. the war between the police and the mafia would still be going, and harvey would still be fighting it, and losing it. it would only be a matter of time before he did something unforgivable in batman’s eyes. maybe gilda would slip up and he would cover for her, again. maybe someone would attack the dents again and actually kill her, and he would lose it. maybe he’d find a way to take falcone down, take him down for good, but it wouldn’t be “the right way.” hell, maybe he’d just have One Bad Day. whether it took months or years for it to happen, i think we can safely assume that something would. after all, harvey was covering for batman in year one, when gordon was still hunting him. he slipped first, and he’d slip again. i don’t know if he’d become a bona fide supervillain, but he’d definitely be a corrupt official eventually.

but… if he was, well. we know what would happen. batman is the greatest detective in the world. he’d figure it out, even if it took a while. i think the time it would take for him to figure it out would depend on whether harvey would stop and let alberto take the fall, or if he would keep going. if he stopped, it could take years for batman to figure it out or even accept it. if he kept going… it could be only a matter of days. if he tried to take down falcone himself, without the aid of half of arkham like two-face had, he might miss. he might leave evidence. he might get caught (after all, both catwoman and batman are watching falcone himself very closely, for different reasons. would catwoman let him kill her potential father? she certainly tried to save sofia when two-face attacked. who knows?). but the biggest “might” of all really is… he might get himself killed. so, we might not get harvey dent: supervillain, but we would probably get harvey dent: antihero. or, worse, harvey dent: martyr.

either way, holiday killer or not, harvey dent might not become two-face but he certainly won’t stay harvey dent. at least, not to gordon. and, of course, not to batman.

[theconservativebrief]

Though the 2018 MTV Video Music Awards weren’t completely devoid of spectacle, the ceremony ended up being a mix of the baffling and the unmemorable. Aside from some of the performances, the ups and downs were precipitous, as the stacked list of nominees yielded fairly lukewarm wins.

Overall, it was what the ceremony lacked — a sense of cohesion or drama, somebody to properly shepherd an Aretha Franklin tribute, and any of the musical beef that’s made the show so exciting in past years — that stood out. The final Aerosmith-Post Malone performance, complete with pre-punched holes in the fake Marshall speakers onstage, served as a strange cherry on top of the cake.

Here are six winners and two losers from the night.

During the preshow, one-time VMA MVPs the Backstreet Boys started off the night by singing their recent single “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” on top of New York City’s Radio City Music Hall sign in a performance that seemed a little cramped at best.

During the ceremony, they came down from the sign to present the award for Song of the Year, singing snippets from each nominee in one of the cuter segments of the telecast. During the bit, A.J. McLean noted that one of the nominees, Camila Cabello’s “Havana,” was his daughter’s favorite song, inducing awws from the audience while serving as a general reminder of how much time has passed since the Backstreet Boys were at the peak of their popularity.

Despite being reminded that we all must die eventually, it was still nice to see the Backstreet Boys in good health and good humor, even if they didn’t get to properly perform during the main ceremony.

Jennifer Lopez at the 2018 VMAs. MTV

Not long after Shawn Mendes gave the first performance of the show, each subsequent moment began to bleed into the next in a dull haze — Tiffany Haddish made fun of Fifth Harmony during a bit with Kevin Hart, Nicki Minaj won the award for Best Hip-Hop Video, and a terrifying zygote named Bazzi took the stage and brought with him the promise of darkness and that this would all be over soon.

Thank god, then, that Jennifer Lopez was present to inject a jolt of life into the proceedings. As the recipient of this year’s Video Vanguard Award, J. Lo was on hand to perform a medley of some of her greatest hits, and though she started a little shaky with “Waiting for Tonight,” she soon found her groove and brought out the showmanship that garnered her the honor in the first place.

She hit her moves, settling in with “On the Floor” and giving energetic renditions of her peak dance hits like “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” and “Jenny From the Block.” And with rapid-fire set changes including cameos from DJ Khaled and Ja Rule, she was the first performer to bring the promise of something exciting.

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Lopez made us remember that she’s a true entertainer while underscoring that everything else about the 2018 VMAs was missing the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent that she has in spades.

Bafflingly, most of the cutaway reaction shots during the ceremony featured either empty seats or people looking half-enthused at best. The major exception to the rule was Ja Rule, who was at the show to perform “I’m Real” and “Ain’t It Funny” with Lopez.

Every shot of Ja Rule in the audience showed him grooving along to the performances and generally just looking happy to be in the room. Whether or not that good-natured display is enough to earn back the goodwill he lost over last year’s Fyre Festival debacle (which resulted in eight lawsuits) is unclear, but at least somebody at the VMAs was having a good time.

Shawn Mendes was specifically designed and created to induce crushes. The 6-foot-2, aggressively pleasant Canadian has slowly been shifting his image from “bubblegum teenage dream” to “sensitive and sensual crooner.” At no point during the VMAs was that more evident than during his performance of “In My Blood,” complete with a wet T-shirt contest for one:

Shawn Mendes got wet at the VMAs. MTV

The performance was laced with a little awkwardness (you could tell that Mendes was slightly uncomfortable and nervous), but it showed off the vocals that have made him a stan-worthy star. He couldn’t totally hide his earnest charm — something that feels a little more natural and believable than the sexy persona he’s trying to adopt. Not that his fans will have any problem with the latter.

Lopez and Mendes gave good performances, but if you were watching at home, it was a frustrating experience. There were pans away from tight choreographed pieces and wide shots of more intimate moments. It’s unclear who, if anyone, was calling the shots from the production booth.

While J. Lo’s energy was enough to sustain the momentum during her performance, the lack of organization was especially evident in the “Push Artist” segments, where new and upcoming artists were given a verse or two to sing their catchy hooks. Poor Hayley Kiyoko, a singer who grew up idolizing and incorporating boy-band choreography — uninspired camerawork flattened her performance into static pulp fit for the food court at the mall.

And there was this strange moment where a barely mic’d Mendes presented Lopez with her Video Vanguard Award, with all sorts of commotion going on in the background and a woman almost crossing into the shot:

What is even happening here? MTV

No one is expecting exquisite cinematography from the VMA crew, but if MTV wants to tout performances (since these awards don’t hold the clout of Grammys), it should do a better job of showcasing them.

Even though Cardi B opened the show by pretending to breastfeed, we never would have expected that the VMAs would be such a big night for moms. Throughout the evening, several mom shoutouts lent a sweetly sentimental tone to the telecast.

During her acceptance speech for Best New Artist, Cardi B noted that people had called her decision to have a baby a potential death knell for her career. “You know, I had a baby, I carried a baby,” she said, defiant. “I am still winning awards!”

Cardi B kicked off the show by miming breastfeeding. Michael Loccisano/Getty Images for MTV

And while accepting the Video Vanguard Award, Lopez also spoke about having her children, calling them her “two little angels” and crediting them with changing her life. She also thanked her mother, Lupe, “the original dancing queen.”

The theme of motherhood continued with Ariana Grande’s performance of “God Is a Woman,” in which she brought her mother and grandmother onstage; and with Camila Cabello, who took home Artist of the Year and Video of the Year after bringing her mother as her date to the awards ceremony.

Madonna turned her tribute to Aretha Franklin into a tribute to Madonna. Michael Loccisano/Getty Images for MTV

Aretha Franklin died less than a week before the VMAs, and many wondered how the show would honor the legendary Queen of Soul. It seems that since Franklin’s death ultimately overshadowed the 60th birthday of another seminal artist, Madonna, the VMAs decided to take out two birds with one stone — by inviting Madonna to pay tribute to Franklin while also presenting the Video of the Year Award.

Conceptually, that must have sounded like a tantalizing idea, but in practice, Madonna ended up rambling on about how hard it was for her to become the pop icon she now is. The implication was that she found inspiration in Franklin, and she did mention that she loved Franklin’s Lady Soul album, but ultimately, Madonna’s tribute to Franklin turned into a tribute to Madonna by Madonna. It came off tacky and disorganized, leaving many viewers with the belief that skipping a Franklin tribute would have been better than Madge’s slapdash one.

Camila Cabello wins Video of the Year. Theo Wargo/Getty Images

Camila Cabello, the autonomous former member of Fifth Harmony who defected from the now-defunct group’s other four harmonies, won two of the biggest awards of the night for her body of work and her hit song “Havana”: Video of the Year and Artist of the Year.

While Cabello and her fans will no doubt be pleased, it felt as if her trophies came at the expense of artists like Drake, Cardi B, and Ariana Grande, who went into the night with a lot more buzz and clout — something you might expect from an “artist of the year” — and videos like Childish Gambino’s “This Is America,” which was much more searing and unforgettable than the video for “Havana.”

Camila Cabello did NOT deserve that fucking award. Cardi B and Drake worked their ASS off this year and gave us bops after bops smh. This award show is forever TRASH. I’m seriously blocking Camila lmao bye #VMAS pic.twitter.com/wtglqqVxI7

— Rashid (@rashidblessed) August 21, 2018

Considering those strong contenders, the videos they’ve created, and their greater command over the public’s interest in the last year, Cabello’s wins were slightly puzzling. Though the VMAs aren’t exactly the highest merit a musician can receive, and it’s not as if Cabello has taken home a Pulitzer, it won’t be surprising if the conversation surrounding Cabello in the coming days is less about celebrating her wins and more about whom she beat in taking home two of the biggest awards of the night.

Original Source -> VMAs 2018: 6 winners and 2 losers from a mostly lackluster show

via The Conservative Brief

[juditmiltz]

South Florida real estate’s top stories of 2017

The Real Deal’s top stories of 2017

Fake buyers, canceled projects, secret backers and heaps of broker drama made South Florida’s real estate market a hotbed of intrigue in 2017.

Top condo developers were forced to reckon with a stuttering high-end residential market, exacerbated by Hurricane Irma, a tighter lending environment and growing buyer clout. Some, like Shahab Karmely and Vlad Doronin, forged ahead on developments despite slow or stagnant sales, while others like HFZ Capital Group and the Related Group canceled condo projects, shifting their attention – and money – elsewhere.

The not-so-secret secret to building without buyers is cash. In Karmely’s case, The Real Deal revealed that his backer is Daniel Loeb, a billionaire investor who runs one of the world’s most dominant activist hedge funds.

Condo builders looking for a Plan B opted to either jump to new markets, as Related did with its expansion to Dallas and Phoenix, or ramped up their commercial-side activity, as Terra Group did.

Read on for a look at some of the biggest stories to drop in 2016.

Top developers mix it up As the market got shakier, the biggest condo builders in South Florida began to flinch. This year, a few brave developers launched new condo buildings, some broke ground, and others stayed mum on sales – or lack thereof – at their projects. Others switched gears to multifamily and other commercial development.

In June, the Verzasca Group announced plans to build a luxury apartment tower on an Edgewater site originally intended for condos. The Melo Group also focused on rental buildings — nine of its 12 projects this cycle are multifamily. Property Markets Group didn’t say much about condo plans for its 300 Biscayne Boulevard site in downtown Miami, but continued to charge ahead on its Vice apartment tower on the same property. Miami-based Terra Group has ramped up its commercial development in Coconut Grove, Pembroke Pines, Doral and other suburban neighborhoods while holding back from any new condo launches.

Jorge Pérez’s Related Group, billed Miami’s “condo king,” was quick to act on non-condo fronts, including affordable housing, mixed-use projects, rentals and more. Related, which with over 9,500 condo units in the pipeline grabbed the top spot in TRD’s most recent ranking, broke ground on two Wynwood rental projects, completed CityPlace Doral and opened a new satellite office in Dallas.

Two major projects get the axe: Related’s Auberge Miami and HFZ’s Shore Club redevelopment News of Related shutting down its Auberge Residences & Spa Miami project and returning buyers’ deposits rippled through the market. The development, ill-timed, had already been put on hold in late 2015.

But Related, with more than a dozen buildings underway this cycle, is expected to eventually relaunch the project, a three-tower complex at 1440 Biscayne Boulevard, sources said.

Ziel Feldman’s HFZ Capital Group is also expected to revive plans for a luxury condo project at the Shore Club in Miami Beach. The New York developer canceled Fasano Residences Miami Beach, a 67-unit luxury condo, in November. Sources said it was only between 40 and 45 percent presold, which came out about 25 to 30 units.

One of the whispers about the project was that the Brazilian hospitality company Fasano would no longer brand the development, and that HFZ was increasingly difficult to reach and would not provide a timeline.

“The market for construction financing has been very challenging”, and buyers were getting antsy, Douglas Elliman Florida CEO Jay Parker said. “We urged them to do the right thing and give the buyers the option to terminate their contracts. Rather than delay, they wanted to reposition the project.”

American Dream Miami forges ahead In January, after a long and contentious Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, Triple Five Group finally secured approval for the biggest proposed mall and theme park in North America.

The commission approved a comprehensive master plan amendment, changing the designation for the 194.5-acre development site sandwiched between Interstate 75 and the Florida Turnpike from “industrial office” to “business office.”

Triple Five, whose principals developed and own the Mall of America in Minnesota, is proposing to build 6.2 million square feet of shopping and entertainment space, including several amusement parks, along with 2,000 hotel rooms. The project could cost up to $4 billion.

But the developer isn’t ready to build yet. It still has to go before the county for final approval, and there’s plenty of opposition to counter. Critics say the mall will create a traffic nightmare in an already heavily congested area.

Porsche Design Tower is a flipper’s paradise Though it opened just a year ago, buyers at Gil Dezer’s Porsche Design Tower are already raring to turn profits on their luxury condos.

A TRD analysis revealed that 22 percent of owners, or 29 units, had their digs on the market, shooting for big gains. 

The most ambitious was the owner of unit 1503, listed by Piquet Realty. The buyer closed on the condo in February for $3.95 million, and listed it for $7.3 million – a markup of 85 percent.

The 132-unit, 60-story building at 18555 Collins Avenue is known for its “Dezervator,” a patented car elevator that takes residents up to their units in their cars. Amenities include balcony plunge pools and racing and golf simulators. During Hurricane Irma, the tower served as a refuge for the city’s exotic-car collection.

“I don’t look at it as flipping,” Dezer said about the flurry of Porsche Design listings on the market. “I look at it as, these people bought when we started selling in 2011 or 2012 and values have gone up.”

Dan Loeb revealed as Shahab Karmely’s secret backer After making all-cash, multimillion-dollar deals along the Miami River, in Hallandale and Wynwood, many wondered just where Shahab Karmely’s money was coming from.

Earlier this year, TRD solved the mystery, as sources revealed Karmely’s silent partner was Daniel Loeb, whose net worth Forbes pegs at $2.9 billion. Loeb’s firm, Third Point LLC, has $15 billion in assets under management and stakes in companies like Bank of America, Apple and Sotheby’s.

In all, Karmely’s KAR Properties, with Loeb’s financial muscle behind it, has picked up at least six parcels in South Florida totaling more than $113 million.

Fortune International agent accused of bringing fake buyers and more Say the name Alex Daguer to Miami Beach’s top residential agents, and you’re likely to be greeted with off-the-record tales of his alleged shady behavior, a “no comment” and a quick move to distance themselves from him.

The Fortune International Realty agent became infamous this year for allegedly bringing false buyers to the table in a bid to burnish his reputation and score valuable listings.

In an ethics complaint filed in October, Daguer was accused of negligence for his alleged role in a real estate scam. In a separate incident, he was facing a lawsuit alleging he cut another agent out of listings in Miami Beach.

Top agents in Miami Beach said Daguer has an established M.O. They claim that he approaches the owners of high-end properties with buyers, often with above-market offers, gets the owners to agree to add him as a co-listing agent, and when the deal doesn’t work out, stays on as a listing agent until it eventually sells.

Daguer has denied all the allegations. The agents who make those claims, he said, are threatened by his success.

Andrea Greenberg dies at 53 Miami’s new development marketing community mourned the death of Andrea Greenberg, a Fortune International Group veteran who died in October at the age of 53.

Greenberg worked at Fortune for more than 16 years and rose through the ranks to become the firm’s vice president of marketing. Greenberg left Fortune in summer of 2016, and joined Douglas Elliman Florida as chief marketing officer in November. She left about three months later and started her own consulting firm.

North Miami plans Chinatown In November, a North Miami community agency approved the city’s master plan for a Chinatown geared at increasing investment in the area.

The Chinatown Cultural Arts and Innovation District calls for the city of North Miami to spend $5 million on infrastructure, streetscape and business grants in the new Chinatown district, which runs from 119th Street to 135th Street on Northwest Seventh Avenue. The master plan, prepared by urban designer Keith & Schnars and completed in July, features two gateways to the district on the north and south.

South Miami goes solar South Miami became the first city in Florida to mandate new solar panels on all new homes – with exceptions.

The legislation, which also applies to existing properties whose owners increase their square footage by 75 percent or more, faced heated (no pun intended) opposition from builders and property owners who didn’t want to be forced to install solar panels. Some also claimed the cost would make it more challenging to develop affordable housing in South Miami.

In addition to being the first in Florida, the city is also only the fourth in the U.S. to mandate solar panels on new homes. The others? San Francisco and two other California cities, of course.

from The Real Deal Miami https://therealdeal.com/miami/2017/12/22/south-florida-real-estates-top-stories-of-2017/ via IFTTT

[walterfrodriguez]

South Florida real estate’s top stories of 2017

The Real Deal’s top stories of 2017

Fake buyers, canceled projects, secret backers and heaps of broker drama made South Florida’s real estate market a hotbed of intrigue in 2017.

Top condo developers were forced to reckon with a stuttering high-end residential market, exacerbated by Hurricane Irma, a tighter lending environment and growing buyer clout. Some, like Shahab Karmely and Vlad Doronin, forged ahead on developments despite slow or stagnant sales, while others like HFZ Capital Group and the Related Group canceled condo projects, shifting their attention – and money – elsewhere.

The not-so-secret secret to building without buyers is cash. In Karmely’s case, The Real Deal revealed that his backer is Daniel Loeb, a billionaire investor who runs one of the world’s most dominant activist hedge funds.

Condo builders looking for a Plan B opted to either jump to new markets, as Related did with its expansion to Dallas and Phoenix, or ramped up their commercial-side activity, as Terra Group did.

Read on for a look at some of the biggest stories to drop in 2016.

Top developers mix it up As the market got shakier, the biggest condo builders in South Florida began to flinch. This year, a few brave developers launched new condo buildings, some broke ground, and others stayed mum on sales – or lack thereof – at their projects. Others switched gears to multifamily and other commercial development.

In June, the Verzasca Group announced plans to build a luxury apartment tower on an Edgewater site originally intended for condos. The Melo Group also focused on rental buildings — nine of its 12 projects this cycle are multifamily. Property Markets Group didn’t say much about condo plans for its 300 Biscayne Boulevard site in downtown Miami, but continued to charge ahead on its Vice apartment tower on the same property. Miami-based Terra Group has ramped up its commercial development in Coconut Grove, Pembroke Pines, Doral and other suburban neighborhoods while holding back from any new condo launches.

Jorge Pérez’s Related Group, billed Miami’s “condo king,” was quick to act on non-condo fronts, including affordable housing, mixed-use projects, rentals and more. Related, which with over 9,500 condo units in the pipeline grabbed the top spot in TRD’s most recent ranking, broke ground on two Wynwood rental projects, completed CityPlace Doral and opened a new satellite office in Dallas.

Two major projects get the axe: Related’s Auberge Miami and HFZ’s Shore Club redevelopment News of Related shutting down its Auberge Residences & Spa Miami project and returning buyers’ deposits rippled through the market. The development, ill-timed, had already been put on hold in late 2015.

But Related, with more than a dozen buildings underway this cycle, is expected to eventually relaunch the project, a three-tower complex at 1440 Biscayne Boulevard, sources said.

Ziel Feldman’s HFZ Capital Group is also expected to revive plans for a luxury condo project at the Shore Club in Miami Beach. The New York developer canceled Fasano Residences Miami Beach, a 67-unit luxury condo, in November. Sources said it was only between 40 and 45 percent presold, which came out about 25 to 30 units.

One of the whispers about the project was that the Brazilian hospitality company Fasano would no longer brand the development, and that HFZ was increasingly difficult to reach and would not provide a timeline.

“The market for construction financing has been very challenging”, and buyers were getting antsy, Douglas Elliman Florida CEO Jay Parker said. “We urged them to do the right thing and give the buyers the option to terminate their contracts. Rather than delay, they wanted to reposition the project.”

American Dream Miami forges ahead In January, after a long and contentious Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, Triple Five Group finally secured approval for the biggest proposed mall and theme park in North America.

The commission approved a comprehensive master plan amendment, changing the designation for the 194.5-acre development site sandwiched between Interstate 75 and the Florida Turnpike from “industrial office” to “business office.”

Triple Five, whose principals developed and own the Mall of America in Minnesota, is proposing to build 6.2 million square feet of shopping and entertainment space, including several amusement parks, along with 2,000 hotel rooms. The project could cost up to $4 billion.

But the developer isn’t ready to build yet. It still has to go before the county for final approval, and there’s plenty of opposition to counter. Critics say the mall will create a traffic nightmare in an already heavily congested area.

Porsche Design Tower is a flipper’s paradise Though it opened just a year ago, buyers at Gil Dezer’s Porsche Design Tower are already raring to turn profits on their luxury condos.

A TRD analysis revealed that 22 percent of owners, or 29 units, had their digs on the market, shooting for big gains. 

The most ambitious was the owner of unit 1503, listed by Piquet Realty. The buyer closed on the condo in February for $3.95 million, and listed it for $7.3 million – a markup of 85 percent.

The 132-unit, 60-story building at 18555 Collins Avenue is known for its “Dezervator,” a patented car elevator that takes residents up to their units in their cars. Amenities include balcony plunge pools and racing and golf simulators. During Hurricane Irma, the tower served as a refuge for the city’s exotic-car collection.

“I don’t look at it as flipping,” Dezer said about the flurry of Porsche Design listings on the market. “I look at it as, these people bought when we started selling in 2011 or 2012 and values have gone up.”

Dan Loeb revealed as Shahab Karmely’s secret backer After making all-cash, multimillion-dollar deals along the Miami River, in Hallandale and Wynwood, many wondered just where Shahab Karmely’s money was coming from.

Earlier this year, TRD solved the mystery, as sources revealed Karmely’s silent partner was Daniel Loeb, whose net worth Forbes pegs at $2.9 billion. Loeb’s firm, Third Point LLC, has $15 billion in assets under management and stakes in companies like Bank of America, Apple and Sotheby’s.

In all, Karmely’s KAR Properties, with Loeb’s financial muscle behind it, has picked up at least six parcels in South Florida totaling more than $113 million.

Fortune International agent accused of bringing fake buyers and more Say the name Alex Daguer to Miami Beach’s top residential agents, and you’re likely to be greeted with off-the-record tales of his alleged shady behavior, a “no comment” and a quick move to distance themselves from him.

The Fortune International Realty agent became infamous this year for allegedly bringing false buyers to the table in a bid to burnish his reputation and score valuable listings.

In an ethics complaint filed in October, Daguer was accused of negligence for his alleged role in a real estate scam. In a separate incident, he was facing a lawsuit alleging he cut another agent out of listings in Miami Beach.

Top agents in Miami Beach said Daguer has an established M.O. They claim that he approaches the owners of high-end properties with buyers, often with above-market offers, gets the owners to agree to add him as a co-listing agent, and when the deal doesn’t work out, stays on as a listing agent until it eventually sells.

Daguer has denied all the allegations. The agents who make those claims, he said, are threatened by his success.

Andrea Greenberg dies at 53 Miami’s new development marketing community mourned the death of Andrea Greenberg, a Fortune International Group veteran who died in October at the age of 53.

Greenberg worked at Fortune for more than 16 years and rose through the ranks to become the firm’s vice president of marketing. Greenberg left Fortune in summer of 2016, and joined Douglas Elliman Florida as chief marketing officer in November. She left about three months later and started her own consulting firm.

North Miami plans Chinatown In November, a North Miami community agency approved the city’s master plan for a Chinatown geared at increasing investment in the area.

The Chinatown Cultural Arts and Innovation District calls for the city of North Miami to spend $5 million on infrastructure, streetscape and business grants in the new Chinatown district, which runs from 119th Street to 135th Street on Northwest Seventh Avenue. The master plan, prepared by urban designer Keith & Schnars and completed in July, features two gateways to the district on the north and south.

South Miami goes solar South Miami became the first city in Florida to mandate new solar panels on all new homes – with exceptions.

The legislation, which also applies to existing properties whose owners increase their square footage by 75 percent or more, faced heated (no pun intended) opposition from builders and property owners who didn’t want to be forced to install solar panels. Some also claimed the cost would make it more challenging to develop affordable housing in South Miami.

In addition to being the first in Florida, the city is also only the fourth in the U.S. to mandate solar panels on new homes. The others? San Francisco and two other California cities, of course.

from The Real Deal Miami & Real Estate News News | & Curbed Miami - All https://therealdeal.com/miami/2017/12/22/south-florida-real-estates-top-stories-of-2017/ via IFTTT

[juditmiltz]

South Florida real estate’s top stories of 2017

The Real Deal’s top stories of 2017

Fake buyers, canceled projects, secret backers and heaps of broker drama made South Florida’s real estate market a hotbed of intrigue in 2017.

Top condo developers were forced to reckon with a stuttering high-end residential market, exacerbated by Hurricane Irma, a tighter lending environment and growing buyer clout. Some, like Shahab Karmely and Vlad Doronin, forged ahead on developments despite slow or stagnant sales, while others like HFZ Capital Group and the Related Group canceled condo projects, shifting their attention – and money – elsewhere.

The not-so-secret secret to building without buyers is cash. In Karmely’s case, The Real Deal revealed that his backer is Daniel Loeb, a billionaire investor who runs one of the world’s most dominant activist hedge funds.

Condo builders looking for a Plan B opted to either jump to new markets, as Related did with its expansion to Dallas and Phoenix, or ramped up their commercial-side activity, as Terra Group did.

Read on for a look at some of the biggest stories to drop in 2016.

Top developers mix it up As the market got shakier, the biggest condo builders in South Florida began to flinch. This year, a few brave developers launched new condo buildings, some broke ground, and others stayed mum on sales – or lack thereof – at their projects. Others switched gears to multifamily and other commercial development.

In June, the Verzasca Group announced plans to build a luxury apartment tower on an Edgewater site originally intended for condos. The Melo Group also focused on rental buildings — nine of its 12 projects this cycle are multifamily. Property Markets Group didn’t say much about condo plans for its 300 Biscayne Boulevard site in downtown Miami, but continued to charge ahead on its Vice apartment tower on the same property. Miami-based Terra Group has ramped up its commercial development in Coconut Grove, Pembroke Pines, Doral and other suburban neighborhoods while holding back from any new condo launches.

Jorge Pérez’s Related Group, billed Miami’s “condo king,” was quick to act on non-condo fronts, including affordable housing, mixed-use projects, rentals and more. Related, which with over 9,500 condo units in the pipeline grabbed the top spot in TRD’s most recent ranking, broke ground on two Wynwood rental projects, completed CityPlace Doral and opened a new satellite office in Dallas.

Two major projects get the axe: Related’s Auberge Miami and HFZ’s Shore Club redevelopment News of Related shutting down its Auberge Residences & Spa Miami project and returning buyers’ deposits rippled through the market. The development, ill-timed, had already been put on hold in late 2015.

But Related, with more than a dozen buildings underway this cycle, is expected to eventually relaunch the project, a three-tower complex at 1440 Biscayne Boulevard, sources said.

Ziel Feldman’s HFZ Capital Group is also expected to revive plans for a luxury condo project at the Shore Club in Miami Beach. The New York developer canceled Fasano Residences Miami Beach, a 67-unit luxury condo, in November. Sources said it was only between 40 and 45 percent presold, which came out about 25 to 30 units.

One of the whispers about the project was that the Brazilian hospitality company Fasano would no longer brand the development, and that HFZ was increasingly difficult to reach and would not provide a timeline.

“The market for construction financing has been very challenging”, and buyers were getting antsy, Douglas Elliman Florida CEO Jay Parker said. “We urged them to do the right thing and give the buyers the option to terminate their contracts. Rather than delay, they wanted to reposition the project.”

American Dream Miami forges ahead In January, after a long and contentious Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, Triple Five Group finally secured approval for the biggest proposed mall and theme park in North America.

The commission approved a comprehensive master plan amendment, changing the designation for the 194.5-acre development site sandwiched between Interstate 75 and the Florida Turnpike from “industrial office” to “business office.”

Triple Five, whose principals developed and own the Mall of America in Minnesota, is proposing to build 6.2 million square feet of shopping and entertainment space, including several amusement parks, along with 2,000 hotel rooms. The project could cost up to $4 billion.

But the developer isn’t ready to build yet. It still has to go before the county for final approval, and there’s plenty of opposition to counter. Critics say the mall will create a traffic nightmare in an already heavily congested area.

Porsche Design Tower is a flipper’s paradise Though it opened just a year ago, buyers at Gil Dezer’s Porsche Design Tower are already raring to turn profits on their luxury condos.

A TRD analysis revealed that 22 percent of owners, or 29 units, had their digs on the market, shooting for big gains. 

The most ambitious was the owner of unit 1503, listed by Piquet Realty. The buyer closed on the condo in February for $3.95 million, and listed it for $7.3 million – a markup of 85 percent.

The 132-unit, 60-story building at 18555 Collins Avenue is known for its “Dezervator,” a patented car elevator that takes residents up to their units in their cars. Amenities include balcony plunge pools and racing and golf simulators. During Hurricane Irma, the tower served as a refuge for the city’s exotic-car collection.

“I don’t look at it as flipping,” Dezer said about the flurry of Porsche Design listings on the market. “I look at it as, these people bought when we started selling in 2011 or 2012 and values have gone up.”

Dan Loeb revealed as Shahab Karmely’s secret backer After making all-cash, multimillion-dollar deals along the Miami River, in Hallandale and Wynwood, many wondered just where Shahab Karmely’s money was coming from.

Earlier this year, TRD solved the mystery, as sources revealed Karmely’s silent partner was Daniel Loeb, whose net worth Forbes pegs at $2.9 billion. Loeb’s firm, Third Point LLC, has $15 billion in assets under management and stakes in companies like Bank of America, Apple and Sotheby’s.

In all, Karmely’s KAR Properties, with Loeb’s financial muscle behind it, has picked up at least six parcels in South Florida totaling more than $113 million.

Fortune International agent accused of bringing fake buyers and more Say the name Alex Daguer to Miami Beach’s top residential agents, and you’re likely to be greeted with off-the-record tales of his alleged shady behavior, a “no comment” and a quick move to distance themselves from him.

The Fortune International Realty agent became infamous this year for allegedly bringing false buyers to the table in a bid to burnish his reputation and score valuable listings.

In an ethics complaint filed in October, Daguer was accused of negligence for his alleged role in a real estate scam. In a separate incident, he was facing a lawsuit alleging he cut another agent out of listings in Miami Beach.

Top agents in Miami Beach said Daguer has an established M.O. They claim that he approaches the owners of high-end properties with buyers, often with above-market offers, gets the owners to agree to add him as a co-listing agent, and when the deal doesn’t work out, stays on as a listing agent until it eventually sells.

Daguer has denied all the allegations. The agents who make those claims, he said, are threatened by his success.

Andrea Greenberg dies at 53 Miami’s new development marketing community mourned the death of Andrea Greenberg, a Fortune International Group veteran who died in October at the age of 53.

Greenberg worked at Fortune for more than 16 years and rose through the ranks to become the firm’s vice president of marketing. Greenberg left Fortune in summer of 2016, and joined Douglas Elliman Florida as chief marketing officer in November. She left about three months later and started her own consulting firm.

North Miami plans Chinatown In November, a North Miami community agency approved the city’s master plan for a Chinatown geared at increasing investment in the area.

The Chinatown Cultural Arts and Innovation District calls for the city of North Miami to spend $5 million on infrastructure, streetscape and business grants in the new Chinatown district, which runs from 119th Street to 135th Street on Northwest Seventh Avenue. The master plan, prepared by urban designer Keith & Schnars and completed in July, features two gateways to the district on the north and south.

South Miami goes solar South Miami became the first city in Florida to mandate new solar panels on all new homes – with exceptions.

The legislation, which also applies to existing properties whose owners increase their square footage by 75 percent or more, faced heated (no pun intended) opposition from builders and property owners who didn’t want to be forced to install solar panels. Some also claimed the cost would make it more challenging to develop affordable housing in South Miami.

In addition to being the first in Florida, the city is also only the fourth in the U.S. to mandate solar panels on new homes. The others? San Francisco and two other California cities, of course.

from The Real Deal Miami https://therealdeal.com/miami/2017/12/22/south-florida-real-estates-top-stories-of-2017/ via IFTTT

[juditmiltz]

South Florida real estate’s top stories of 2017

The Real Deal’s top stories of 2017

Fake buyers, canceled projects, secret backers and heaps of broker drama made South Florida’s real estate market a hotbed of intrigue in 2017.

Top condo developers were forced to reckon with a stuttering high-end residential market, exacerbated by Hurricane Irma, a tighter lending environment and growing buyer clout. Some, like Shahab Karmely and Vlad Doronin, forged ahead on developments despite slow or stagnant sales, while others like HFZ Capital Group and the Related Group canceled condo projects, shifting their attention – and money – elsewhere.

The not-so-secret secret to building without buyers is cash. In Karmely’s case, The Real Deal revealed that his backer is Daniel Loeb, a billionaire investor who runs one of the world’s most dominant activist hedge funds.

Condo builders looking for a Plan B opted to either jump to new markets, as Related did with its expansion to Dallas and Phoenix, or ramped up their commercial-side activity, as Terra Group did.

Read on for a look at some of the biggest stories to drop in 2016.

Top developers mix it up As the market got shakier, the biggest condo builders in South Florida began to flinch. This year, a few brave developers launched new condo buildings, some broke ground, and others stayed mum on sales – or lack thereof – at their projects. Others switched gears to multifamily and other commercial development.

In June, the Verzasca Group announced plans to build a luxury apartment tower on an Edgewater site originally intended for condos. The Melo Group also focused on rental buildings — nine of its 12 projects this cycle are multifamily. Property Markets Group didn’t say much about condo plans for its 300 Biscayne Boulevard site in downtown Miami, but continued to charge ahead on its Vice apartment tower on the same property. Miami-based Terra Group has ramped up its commercial development in Coconut Grove, Pembroke Pines, Doral and other suburban neighborhoods while holding back from any new condo launches.

Jorge Pérez’s Related Group, billed Miami’s “condo king,” was quick to act on non-condo fronts, including affordable housing, mixed-use projects, rentals and more. Related, which with over 9,500 condo units in the pipeline grabbed the top spot in TRD’s most recent ranking, broke ground on two Wynwood rental projects, completed CityPlace Doral and opened a new satellite office in Dallas.

Two major projects get the axe: Related’s Auberge Miami and HFZ’s Shore Club redevelopment News of Related shutting down its Auberge Residences & Spa Miami project and returning buyers’ deposits rippled through the market. The development, ill-timed, had already been put on hold in late 2015.

But Related, with more than a dozen buildings underway this cycle, is expected to eventually relaunch the project, a three-tower complex at 1440 Biscayne Boulevard, sources said.

Ziel Feldman’s HFZ Capital Group is also expected to revive plans for a luxury condo project at the Shore Club in Miami Beach. The New York developer canceled Fasano Residences Miami Beach, a 67-unit luxury condo, in November. Sources said it was only between 40 and 45 percent presold, which came out about 25 to 30 units.

One of the whispers about the project was that the Brazilian hospitality company Fasano would no longer brand the development, and that HFZ was increasingly difficult to reach and would not provide a timeline.

“The market for construction financing has been very challenging”, and buyers were getting antsy, Douglas Elliman Florida CEO Jay Parker said. “We urged them to do the right thing and give the buyers the option to terminate their contracts. Rather than delay, they wanted to reposition the project.”

American Dream Miami forges ahead In January, after a long and contentious Miami-Dade County Commission meeting, Triple Five Group finally secured approval for the biggest proposed mall and theme park in North America.

The commission approved a comprehensive master plan amendment, changing the designation for the 194.5-acre development site sandwiched between Interstate 75 and the Florida Turnpike from “industrial office” to “business office.”

Triple Five, whose principals developed and own the Mall of America in Minnesota, is proposing to build 6.2 million square feet of shopping and entertainment space, including several amusement parks, along with 2,000 hotel rooms. The project could cost up to $4 billion.

But the developer isn’t ready to build yet. It still has to go before the county for final approval, and there’s plenty of opposition to counter. Critics say the mall will create a traffic nightmare in an already heavily congested area.

Porsche Design Tower is a flipper’s paradise Though it opened just a year ago, buyers at Gil Dezer’s Porsche Design Tower are already raring to turn profits on their luxury condos.

A TRD analysis revealed that 22 percent of owners, or 29 units, had their digs on the market, shooting for big gains. 

The most ambitious was the owner of unit 1503, listed by Piquet Realty. The buyer closed on the condo in February for $3.95 million, and listed it for $7.3 million – a markup of 85 percent.

The 132-unit, 60-story building at 18555 Collins Avenue is known for its “Dezervator,” a patented car elevator that takes residents up to their units in their cars. Amenities include balcony plunge pools and racing and golf simulators. During Hurricane Irma, the tower served as a refuge for the city’s exotic-car collection.

“I don’t look at it as flipping,” Dezer said about the flurry of Porsche Design listings on the market. “I look at it as, these people bought when we started selling in 2011 or 2012 and values have gone up.”

Dan Loeb revealed as Shahab Karmely’s secret backer After making all-cash, multimillion-dollar deals along the Miami River, in Hallandale and Wynwood, many wondered just where Shahab Karmely’s money was coming from.

Earlier this year, TRD solved the mystery, as sources revealed Karmely’s silent partner was Daniel Loeb, whose net worth Forbes pegs at $2.9 billion. Loeb’s firm, Third Point LLC, has $15 billion in assets under management and stakes in companies like Bank of America, Apple and Sotheby’s.

In all, Karmely’s KAR Properties, with Loeb’s financial muscle behind it, has picked up at least six parcels in South Florida totaling more than $113 million.

Fortune International agent accused of bringing fake buyers and more Say the name Alex Daguer to Miami Beach’s top residential agents, and you’re likely to be greeted with off-the-record tales of his alleged shady behavior, a “no comment” and a quick move to distance themselves from him.

The Fortune International Realty agent became infamous this year for allegedly bringing false buyers to the table in a bid to burnish his reputation and score valuable listings.

In an ethics complaint filed in October, Daguer was accused of negligence for his alleged role in a real estate scam. In a separate incident, he was facing a lawsuit alleging he cut another agent out of listings in Miami Beach.

Top agents in Miami Beach said Daguer has an established M.O. They claim that he approaches the owners of high-end properties with buyers, often with above-market offers, gets the owners to agree to add him as a co-listing agent, and when the deal doesn’t work out, stays on as a listing agent until it eventually sells.

Daguer has denied all the allegations. The agents who make those claims, he said, are threatened by his success.

Andrea Greenberg dies at 53 Miami’s new development marketing community mourned the death of Andrea Greenberg, a Fortune International Group veteran who died in October at the age of 53.

Greenberg worked at Fortune for more than 16 years and rose through the ranks to become the firm’s vice president of marketing. Greenberg left Fortune in summer of 2016, and joined Douglas Elliman Florida as chief marketing officer in November. She left about three months later and started her own consulting firm.

North Miami plans Chinatown In November, a North Miami community agency approved the city’s master plan for a Chinatown geared at increasing investment in the area.

The Chinatown Cultural Arts and Innovation District calls for the city of North Miami to spend $5 million on infrastructure, streetscape and business grants in the new Chinatown district, which runs from 119th Street to 135th Street on Northwest Seventh Avenue. The master plan, prepared by urban designer Keith & Schnars and completed in July, features two gateways to the district on the north and south.

South Miami goes solar South Miami became the first city in Florida to mandate new solar panels on all new homes – with exceptions.

The legislation, which also applies to existing properties whose owners increase their square footage by 75 percent or more, faced heated (no pun intended) opposition from builders and property owners who didn’t want to be forced to install solar panels. Some also claimed the cost would make it more challenging to develop affordable housing in South Miami.

In addition to being the first in Florida, the city is also only the fourth in the U.S. to mandate solar panels on new homes. The others? San Francisco and two other California cities, of course.

from The Real Deal Miami https://therealdeal.com/miami/2017/12/22/south-florida-real-estates-top-stories-of-2017/ via IFTTT