#a weekend meditation retreat?

[thesaintofnevergettingitright]

Now. I’m not saying that fans of The Amazing Devil tend to be a touch, shall we say, obsessive,  BUT….

If I may direct you to a side-by-side comparison of the Spotify Wrapped data for my siblings vs. me:

Sibling 1 Top Artist

Minutes listened: 2,671

Her Placement: Top 0.5% of Listeners

Total Monthly Listeners: 15 Million

Sibling 2 Top Artist

Minutes listened: 4,635

Their Placement: Top 0.01% of Listeners

Total Monthly Listeners: 10 Million

My Top Artist (The Amazing Devil)

Minutes listened: 14,003

My Placement: Top 0.1% of Listeners

Total Monthly Listeners: 241,710

Y’all…. The math ain’t mathing! I listened to TAD 3X more than Sibling 2 listened to their Top Artist, and that artist has 20X as many monthly listeners. How is their listener ranking higher than mine? By a factor of TEN?

Overall I’m just deeply impressed by the determination, the gumption, the sheer force of will that TAD fans apparently have.

Idk what they put in that music, but I’m reasonably sure it’s changing our collective brain chemistry.

[emblazons]

Happy Early Birthday to Me (Sigur Ros digitally releasing all the tracks from their first album in a decade)

[nycgoodmeditation]

NYC Buddhist Meditation Center Newyork | NYC Good Meditation for Mindfulness

Looking for a Buddhist meditation center in New York? NYC Good Meditation offers a peaceful retreat from the city’s hustle. Join our meditation classes and practice mindfulness with experienced instructors.

[clearskymeditationcenter]

The Heart of Inter-Being: Explore Dependent Origination with Sensei Pawasarat (In-Person & Online)

Delve into the profound teachings of Dependent Origination during a transformative weekend retreat at Clear Sky Meditation Centre. Guided by meditation master Catherine Pawasarat Sensei, this course offers a unique opportunity to explore the interconnected nature of existence and the mind-body continuum. Join us in Eastern BC or online for an immersive experience that combines live teachings with deep self-reflection. Engage fully in this journey of insight and wisdom, available both in-person and virtually, and uncover the essence of inter-being.

[yogafederationofeurope-blog]

Big European Yoga Retreats 2024

International Yoga Academy & Yoga Federation of Europe European House of Yoga Light

[david5321fan]

Experience the magic of your special day

Kuchesar Fort is the best resort near Delhi, offering luxurious and comfortable accommodations in a beautiful, historic setting. Our stunning resort mixes classic Indian architecture with modern amenities, including spacious and well-furnished rooms with stunning views and a full-service spa and fitness centre. Relax, explore and indulge in various activities, including horseback riding, swimming and tennis. There's also fine dining and leisurely walks along the lush pathways. Kuchesar Fort is the perfect destination for a memorable holiday or special event. With superior service and first-class facilities, Kuchesar Fort will delight discerning guests.

Experience the magic of your special day at Kuchesar Fort, the perfect wedding destination near Delhi. Kuchesar Fort provides an unforgettable setting for your big day, surrounded by lush green gardens and timeless architecture. Our professional staff will take care of every detail so you can relax and enjoy the day.

Kuchesar Fort is a unique places for meditation retreats near Delhi. Offering a tranquil and secluded atmosphere, you can travel away from the hustle and bustle of the city and escape into the beauty of nature.

Welcome to Kuchesar Fort, the best weekend getaway place near Delhi. Located in the spiritual haven of Kuchesar, this ancient fort offers a truly peaceful and rejuvenating experience.

[mindfullofyoga]

Retreat with Patrick, Gösta & Moksi

Long weekend retreat with Patrick, Gösta and Moksi.

For the first time in many many years Patrick and Gösta will host a long weekend retreat at the Babaji Ashram in Loenen. This is the Ashram where we conduct the final parts of the Teacher training program. So you are in good wholesome company.

There is nothing better then hanging out with like minded people (Satsang). We get to inspire, lift and crack each other up.

We’ll meet on Friday at noon for lunch and then after lunch we get going. We will have Yoga classes, Pranayama and Meditations sessions. We will also join parts of the Ashram program like: Aarti and early morning Havan (fire ceremony) if allowed.

Most rooms will be for 2 people. Only a few single rooms available.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner will be vegetarian and organic where possible.

Investment for three days of fun, chill and Bliss, €450

For info and sign up: info@svahayoga.com

[beefrobeefcal]

DEEZ NUTZ feat. Dieter Bravo & f!actress reader

a @happypedrohours challenge fic | Rated: 18+ | word count: 1,522 warnings: no fat men in this fic, smutty smutty smut smut, slight angst/enemies eventually leading to smashing pissers, pistachio theft, pistachios in places pistachios should be A/N: Thank you to @strang3lov3 + @sweetenerobert for their eyes and minds 💜

If you’d told your last-year self that you were going to be stuck on a film set in Oklahoma with the Dieter Bravo for nine weeks during one of the hottest summers on record, past you would be just as unimpressed as current you with the situation. Dieter was known for being out there in his methods and morals, and he did not disappoint. In fact, in every way you were warned about him, no one could have prepared you for how exhausting and annoying he was to work with. But you seemed to be the only one with an issue with him, given that everyone else on the set took his different and strange ways of approaching anything in stride and good humor.

By the third week, you thought you were going insane with how little notice everyone paid to him and his antics, and how much he got under your skin. There were times that he teased you or tried to play around, making you understand – even for a moment – what his allure was; but then he’d take it a step too far and you’d immediately be reminded that he was a thorn in your side.

You hated that you couldn’t get enough of him.

“Fuck off, Dieter!”

“What?”, he snapped, trying to catch up as you stormed out of the sound stage and into the parking lot filled with trailers. “Oh, come on! You can’t be serious!”

You snarled and clenched your fists, stomping towards your trailer. For a man with so few pockets in his wardrobe, you had no idea where Dieter managed to store all the audacity he carried.

Just as you got to the steps of your trailer, he grabbed your elbow, stopping you from opening the door.

“Are you really doing this? Did you really just storm off set? It’s not even 10 am!”

You glared at him, ripping your arm from his hold. Narrowing your eyes, you spit out at him, “Fucking cute that of all the people to ask me that, it’s you.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ!”, he breathed out harshly. “It was just a fuckin’ kiss!”

“Just a kiss? No. No, Dieter, I am not mad about a fucking kiss.” You turn around and step towards him, finger digging into his chest, forcing his retreat. “I am a professional and I can handle when you pull your bullshit, but you giving me directions on how to accept your kiss? That was you – once again! – overstepping your boundaries.”

“I – no! I was just giving you some point– “

“Pointers?!”

“I’m committed to the craft! I take rehearsals seriously!”

“No. No no no. Dieter, you are an entitled shi – what?”

The smile that crept across his face stopped you in your tracks and he leaned back, crossing his arms.

“What?”, you yelled, face pulled into a scowl and his smile opened up as he laughed.

“You liked it.”

You instantly saw red, feeling the dangerous buildup of animosity and need boil over inside you; your whole body felt 10 degrees hotter than before at his blatant and upsettingly correct assessment.  Dieter’s smile continued, seeing how you reacted to his declaration.  He took a step forward and leaned in, and said lowly before walking away, “Don’t worry, baby. I liked it, too.”

*****

You spent the rest of the day keeping as far away from Dieter as possible. Thankfully, he seemed to take the hint – or at least his assistant, production staff, and the entire crew did and kept him occupied between shots and during breaks.

Finally able to decompress in your trailer before your car would be there to pick you up, you put on your headphones and listened to a meditative app to try and de-Dieter your mind, body and spirit before moving into your weekend. In doing so, you missed the many messages from your driver telling you he was stuck in traffic. What you didn’t miss was the banging on your door.

You ripped your headphones off and pushed the door open, knowing exactly who knocked that obnoxiously.

“What, Dieter?”, you barked.

He flashed you a grin and pushed past you into your trailer. You rolled your eyes with a growl and turned to look at him.

Dieter held his hands up and gave you an apologetic and small smile. “Look, I know you’re mad at me, and I know today was – you got pistachios?” His eyes were trained on the small charcuterie board on the kitchenette counter, and he looked perplexed. “I didn’t get any pistachios.”

You scowled at him as he moved over to the counter and grabbed a handful of the little green, de-shelled nuts and shoveled it into his mouth.  “What do you want, Dieter?”

“Pish-tah-shos.”, he said muffled, mouth full and chewing. “Ma fuh-ken fa-reet.”

You jaw clenched and your mouth pursed so tightly, your lips turned white. You weren’t sure who was more infuriating: Dieter with his nut lust or you with your Dieter need.

He cleared his throat after he swallowed, and his big stupid brown eyes looked at you, wide and apologetic. “Like I was saying, I know you’re mad at me, and I know today was a lot, but I want to clear the air. I want us both to be in a good vibrationary stasis with each other so we can harmonize our chi’s.”

You tilted your head as you stared at him, confusion written on your face, not really sure what he just said to you.

“Fuck it.”, he threw his hands up, facade dropped. “I like working with you and you’re hot. Sorry I was an ass.”

The tension you didn’t realize your body was holding released, and your shoulders dropped to a neutral position. And Dieter wasn’t stupid -  he saw the relief wash over you and his mouth tugged on one side with a smirk, nodding at the double bed in the back of the trailer.

“You wanna have sex with me?”

***** 

Dieter had made you cum no less than four times with his mouth before he finally sunk into you, hips flush with one another. The long groan that left his mouth was accompanied by his eyes rolling back in his head and a dopey half-grin bloomed on his face.

If it weren’t for the delicious stretch and pressure he was creating in your own body, his euphoric state would have brought you there on its own. You urged him to move and he let out a content sigh before he looked down at you, eyes soft and hazy.

“Don’t rush me, baby. I worked hard to get here, I’m taking all the time I need to get the most of your sweet pussy.”

You squirmed and whimpered,  pathetically trying to coerce him into giving you something more than a cockwarming, and all you got in response was a deep, throaty chuckle, rumbling from the depths of his chest. 

Leaning forward, he captured your mouth with his and you tasted yourself and pistachios -  an odd combination that you never thought you’d have to decipher and put words to in your mind. Dieter pulled out, barely leaving the tip touching you, then slammed it back in, the force shoving you up the bed. And he did it again… and again… and again, setting the pace and speeding up.

He grunted,  “Taking Daddy so well -”

“No… no ‘daddy’ shit.”, you groaned back.

“Sorry… thought I’d take a chance… should’ve called it.”, he panted, “Don’t look like a Daddy’s Girl.”

“D-Dieter - just shut up.”

He smiled as his unruly curls moved and his huffing breath panting out of him in time with his thrusts. His brows then crossed in concentration as his hands dug into your hip and thigh, holding you in place as he pounded into you. Any further communication between you was wordless, conveyed with your eyes, sounds and hands pushing and pulling one another.

Your orgasm began to crash down on you, and Dieter suddenly pulled out, leaving your hole clenching on nothing and your climax fizzling out. Before you could ask ‘what the fuck?’ at his sudden removal, his own spend splooshed on your mound, hot and sticky.

“Fuck… I’m sorry.”, he panted, sitting back on his knees and wiping his face with his large palm. “You got a good pussy, baby. I just couldn’t help it and raw doggin’ is fun and all, but not chancing any little DB’s running around.”

You nodded slightly out of breath yourself. “It’s fine. I mean, you made me cum already and I-”

Your sentence was halted by Dieter lowering his face to the crux of your thighs and licking up his cum. Slack jawed and in awe, you watched him clean you up with his tongue.

When he dipped his tongue into your sensitive folds, he stopped and his eyes went wide. You felt him lick at something then he sat back, chewing on something.

“What-”

“Pistachio crumb. Must have left it behind when I was down there earlier.”

Your face skewed in amusement and disgust and Dieter just smiled.

“Waste not, want not.”, he smugly proclaimed before diving back in. 

no more taglists! for fic notifications, follow @beefnotes

[blackcouplesera]

50 intimacy building exercises for black couples ❤️‍🔥

1. Take a long walk together for the sole purpose of sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other.

2. Plan a surprise date night in for one another.

3. Cook a meal together and enjoy it by candlelight.

4. Write love letters to each other, bonus points if you exchange and read them.

5. Take a couple’s dance class together.

6. Read an erotic novel together. Reenacting it is up to you!

7. Volunteer together for a cause you both care about.

8. Make time to shower together, let your partner cleanse you.

9. Go on a weekend getaway and spend quality time in bed.

10. Take a bubble bath and enjoy wine.

11. Watch your favorite movies and cuddle.

12. Take a hike and enjoy nature together.

13. Write down your goals and dreams together, affirm each other in the process.

14. Take a cooking class together.

15. Try a new hobby together.

16. Plan a picnic to enjoy each other's company.

17. Schedule a couples' massage or self care day.

18. Create a vision board for your future together.

19. Take a pottery class together.

20. Spend a day exploring your city and discovering new places.

21. Invest in a polaroid or film camera and take spicy photos of each other.

22. Write a poem or song for each other.

23. Plan a surprise weekend getaway.

24. Create a couple’s board game to play together.

25. Go on a road trip to explore new places together.

26. Plan a sip and paint night together. Grab some body paint, and use each other as canvases!

27. Attend a concert or live performance together.

28. Create a language for only you to use together.

29. Go on a bike ride together.

30. Watch the sunset and enjoy each other's company.

31. Play a couples' trivia game.

32. Attend a wine tasting together.

33. Create a recipe together.

34. Plan a date night at home and cook a romantic dinner together.

35. Attend a drive-in movie together.

36. Visit a botanical garden.

37. Go on a cabin trip and disconnect from technology.

38. Take a hot air balloon ride together.

39. Attend a poetry night together.

40. Go on a boat ride and enjoy the water.

41. Take a couples' pole dancing class.

42. Have a game night with other couples.

43. Try meditating together.

44. Attend a book reading or signing together.

45. Go on a couple’s retreat.

46. Bake each other’s favorite sweets.

47. Create a playlist and swap headphones.

48. Take a mixology class together.

49. Plan a scavenger hunt for each other.

50. Go on a day trip to a nearby town.

[gabessquishytum]

Ballerinos paired together for romantic dance who initially can't stand each other.

Hob and Dream both found their way to a nontraditional ballet company - Hob didn’t really have the "body type" for your traditional ballet companies, he was very good but spent too many years in the chorus; Dream was also very good, had a rightfully reputation as a diva, but got injured by bad direction from Burgess, that was ultimately blamed on Dream. Dream has healed from his injury, but companies weren't interested in hiring him.

So they both need a chance and this "experimental" dance company might be the answer.

Their new company pairs them in a romantic pas de deux, but they are having the hardest time looking romantic with each other.

When they first met, Hob and Dream just rubbed each other the wrong way - it could have been a personalities clash, it could have been a seniority thing,,,,, it could have been the (unresolved) sexual tension. Whatever it was, it was making them clumsy and tentative with each other - who would ever think experienced dancers would be shy about putting hands on another for lifts. They could actually hurt each other if this keeps up.

So they are sent off for a weekend together to work it out!

Ooo I love this,,, the absolute tension and sexiness,,,

Hob is generally the kind of guy who can be very much trusted with lifts, throwing his fellow dancers around... even in the warm ups before rehearsals, all the young male dancers are practically begging him to please please please do an angel lift with them? They might never have the chance to be lifted again 🥺🥺 and of course Hob obliges.

Dream finds all of this very foolish. He's just waiting for the day when Hob acquires an unnecessary injury from messing around. His vibes when he's around Hob are full of disdain, and he makes Hob lose his confidence! His holds are terrible, his hands slip. Dream isn't helping at all. He seems to forget what he's doing half way through a movement. But the irony of it all is that they look amazing together.

So off they go to a small hotel in the country which doubles as one of those meditation retreats. And Dream spends the whole of the first day being a diva and ordering Hob around, until Hob finally snaps.

He says that Dream isn't the principle dancer and he needs to stop acting like it, that Hob is just as good as Dream if not better, it's just that Dream had the luck to be born pretty, and that if he doesn't wind his neck in then Hob is going to go and find a partner who doesn't make him feel like shit.

And after a blazing row, its inevitable: they fall into each other's arms, and fuck all over the hotel room. Dream graciously allows Hob to top in what feels like a metaphor for him relinquishing control - so Hob takes it very seriously and makes sure that Dream feels safe and has his mind completely blown.

When they both get back to rehearsals, they dance together beautifully and with such confidence, the rest of the company can't quite believe it. Hob is confident, Dream is trusting, their duet is everything is should be.

The only problem now is that they wont stop making out in the dressing rooms, but hey. Nobody's perfect!

[fandom-chameleon23]

taking the weekend as a silent meditative retreat to contemplate the Shakespearean tragedy that is celebrimbor’s life

[digirainebow]

accidentally slept through cbt so um. i've been mulling it over and after this weekend, i'm going to try and take a week away from the internet and probably media in general. i think i need it to process a lot of stuff. i'm gonna miss friends and mutuals like burning (and editing hgjfjeoghgkfj) and i am so tempted to skirt the edges but because i struggle with habits (gestures to cbt mentioned above) in order to do this i believe i have to go totally offline or i will get sucked back in. i need to force myself to have a silent meditation retreat in my own home for real lol 💛 thank you all for being understanding and supportive. if all goes well you'll see me posting again on the 21st but also if i walk this back shhhhhh

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Rachel Connolly:

Earlier this year, I had a bout of what my friends and I term “mental health”. I was always tired. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt burnt out by the volume of communication that social media facilitates. I am 31 and, like many people my age, I’m in multiple group chats on WhatsApp and often find myself added to new ones. I use Instagram to post work and selfies, and to chat with people via the DM function. I use X similarly. (I’m too old for TikTok.) I enjoy some of this. I like talking nonsense with my friends. But I’d started to question how deliberate much of it was. I’d find myself posting a picture of a book I was reading and think, why do I need an audience to read? I began to wonder if, in the cycle of curating, recording and publicising our lives on social media, the things we do that are not seen and affirmed by people online feel somehow less “real”. My work as a writer means I probably get more online communication than the average person. Last year I published my first novel, and I have since noticed the slightly strange way that novels are discussed online. I get tagged in Instagram posts saying that my book is about a messy girl, a sad girl, a distant girl or a cold girl. There is an algorithmic basis to this. The easiest way to attract attention on social media is to talk about a trend everyone else is talking about, or to slot whatever you’re talking about into one of these trends.

So everywhere you look it is Brat summers or trad wives, cottage-core or bloke-core, high-functioning anxiety, parentified children or whatever happens to be the latest term for pathologising your life experience. Everything is flattened, simplified. I worried that being immersed in it was making me think this way too. A friend recently got a “dumb” phone, a Nokia 3210, to use when she’s out of the house. She leaves her smartphone at home like a landline. It has made her happier, she says. I needed a break too, but I was drawn to the idea of spending some time cut off from all communication. A reset, of sorts. I found a weekend-long silent retreat, no phones allowed, and booked myself in. My craving for a break is not uncommon. Social media is such a constant background presence in our lives that it’s easy to forget how recent it is. Facebook, which feels impossibly passé, is only 20. Instagram is not yet 15. Researchers first used the term “digital detox”, to refer to a period of abstention from phones and laptops, in 2012, around the same time that social media was really taking off (chat rooms had been around since the turn of the 1990s without the concept surfacing).

Digital detoxes remained unusual for a time. In 2015, Essena O’Neill, an Australian influencer with 612,000 Instagram followers, made news around the world when she released a statement about quitting the platform. Today, similar moves by celebrities are so common they barely make headlines. Billie Eilish deleted all social media apps from her phone. Actress Tavi Gevinson wrote about using an assistant to manage her Instagram. It has been hard to keep track of the number of times Stephen Fry has quit and rejoined Twitter over the years. These dramatic exits can seem amusing, especially when they’re followed by sheepish returns, but mostly they underscore how addictive and overwhelming social media can be. My silent retreat took place in a large house in rural Devon. I arrived on Friday, one of a group of about 50. We were allowed to speak during registration and, because I had gone there determined not to use reductive labels, I could already sense myself reaching for them. A young man told me he had done several silent retreats before. Ah, I thought, so you’re the type of person who does these often. Then I caught myself. What type would that be?

During the first meditation session, our instructors explained that we would sit and try to embody, rather than think about, the question “What is this?” This distinction struck me as confusing to the point of meaninglessness. But they explained that one way of attempting “not to think” about the question was to resist the urge to answer it. They encouraged us to focus instead on how we felt, on the physical sensations in our bodies. If you have never tried this, I will say that it is extremely difficult. We sat cross-legged for 30 minutes. I stared at a wall. Then we walked in a circle for 10 minutes. Then we sat down again, and so on, for about two hours. Then it was bedtime. I enjoyed the communality of me and the other girls silently working through our evening routines together. I realised that I had never decided to bring my phone everywhere, like an appendage to my body

The next two days were structured around meditation and chores. At 6.30am we were woken by a bell. We did two hours of meditation, after which we had breakfast. Then a break, followed by another two hours of meditation and lunch. My chore was washing up after we ate. Then more meditation, dinner, another break, meditation, bed. If sitting in an uncomfortable position and staring at a wall while trying not to think sounds impossibly boring, I would say it is not so different from the way my days would unfold when I worked in offices, traipsing from my desk to the tea station and back. More earnestly, I would say I could not have imagined how much I would enjoy the retreat, or how much I’d get out of it. Over the weekend, one of the instructors spoke about trying to be more conscious of the labels we put on our experiences and interactions. It struck me that a similar fatigue with the overload of digital communication is probably what draws a lot of people to try a silent retreat. We were all the type of person who is fed up with “types of people”.

On my first morning after breakfast, I went outside. The countryside seemed fantastically vivid. The blackbirds looked as beautiful as anything I had seen before. I watched one, like a dash of ink, flickering against the mottled grey sky, then two sailing as a pair, in tune with each other. I watched a cloud of them, pulsing. It reminded me of a jellyfish. Back inside, from my seat in the meditation room, I could see a tree that the birds would visit. When I was frustrated with the way my thoughts rattled around my head, reviewing unsaid rebuttals to months-old arguments, I watched the birds and imagined the paths they were taking in the world. One of my issues with the task “embody but try not to think” is that the semantic distinction between thinking and feeling is hard to grasp. If you notice that you feel happy or sad, is that a thought? Or a feeling? I found animals a useful framework to try to understand the distinction, as they negotiate the world using senses. A bird might fly north because of an environmental cue, but it does not say to itself in words, “I want to fly north.” I came to understand the task not as emptying your head of thoughts, but rather resisting the tendency to narrate things to yourself in words. I noticed that this interior monologuing would lead me along familiar, superficial trains of thought, to recent memories associated with certain feelings, say, and soon enough back to mundane anxieties.

At night, I would sit outside and look at the stars. The clouds, invisible in the darkness, shifted to expose one patch of stars, then another, making it look like the sky itself was swelling and shrinking. Memories and ideas still came to me, but deeper, more interesting ones than before. It was as if I had cleared the way for them. I remembered that I used to look at the stars when I was a teenager. I used to read about how they’re born, how they sustain themselves, why we see only some of them, how they die. On Monday morning at breakfast, we were allowed to speak again. Some participants had found the weekend hard, they said. One person had cried repeatedly. Others said that eating in silence had made them feel as though everyone was being cold towards them. As they talked, I remembered old corporate jobs where I was always the office loser. People could sense the aura of failure emanating from me, so I would eat lunch by myself, in silence. I got used to it. I didn’t feel I was learning anything valuable at the time, but life can surprise you. Sticking out is not so bad, I realised. This is the message of most children’s books, but one it’s easy to lose sight of as an adult. Other people’s perceptions of you, real or imagined, don’t have to influence how you see yourself. Social media is designed to erase this perspective. Much of the anxiety it fosters comes from forcing you to see yourself, constantly, as relative to others.

[clearskymeditationcenter]

Razor's Edge: Absolute and Relative Truths in the Dance of Life

The Razor’s edge is the line between wisdom and ignorance. A paradoxical, joyous, and pristinely aware place, the edge of which is finer than most realize. This weekend course is an opportunity to study with meditation master and Namgyal lineage teacher Qapel (Achariya Doug Duncan).

[kfedup]

Mondaying

Ginger is struggling today. Typically on weekdays she gets to spend a few hours with Bowie at my ex's house. This weekend we put Bowie down. His cancer progressed very quickly over the last few weeks and it was past time. Chris found an incredible retired vet couple who came to the house and helped make it all so kind and normal. Ginger was there and got to sniff him before and after, but she also has limited object permanence and misses her time with her buddy. We all do, sweet girl. We all do.

I really struggled with it. I think I'm through the worst of it, but holy shit I was not expecting how this would bring up so many feelings about my marriage ending. Fuck off, it's been 9 years already. But I realized that I haven't actually cried much about it and hoo boy, this last week has been a real soaker. I once again need to thank Peter Gabriel for opening something in me that's been locked up for years with his amazing i/o concert.

A huge part of the struggle came from having to share the process with his wife and the energy of ownership she brought with her. I wonder if she struggled with my energy, too. I don't care enough to ask. I don't like her. I've never liked her. And earlier in the week we crossed paths and she complained about him to me in a way that seemed like she wanted me to commiserate with her. Over the man she... well... anyway, I'm ready to stop telling that story, so I'll start now and just say some people are too dumb for words.

I just got back from my bi-annual primary care well visit and my doctor and I both agree that I'm doing amazing, sweetie. Most of the long covid shit has finally begun to clear. I'm still having a hard time with cardio/heart rate issues and still getting week-long clusters of ocular migraines, but otherwise, I am better than ever. Coming up on 3 years of sobriety and nearly a year into daily exercise and meditation on top of the long-established dog walks. Sleeping better. Eating slightly less emotionally. Working to bring the meditation practice into the day outside of my sitting time; to walking, cooking, eating, working, listening, talking, or whatever the hell I'm doing in the process of living, is honestly geeking me the fuck out. Planning ahead to do a nice long silent meditation retreat next year.

That said, the wanting/craving for connection is constant. I keep seeing that meme that says something like don't awaken the love in a woman unless you intend to actually work to love her and goddamn. Trying so hard to not be a giant ball of resentment about it, but phew, it realllllly sucks to have someone make the play and then back off.

There's a spectacular golden hour happening right now. We just walked in it for a bit.

What's for dinner? I'm ravenous and I do not want to cook.

Happy Monday, mutuals.

[angria]

Really need to get back into this. This month has been such shit, so haven't been able to notice much positives. These lists help me actually pick up on the some things...

The weather is finally consistently cold enough to dig out my winter coat. So excited to wear my scarves and coat.

Got a good grade on my last paper

I had canceled check-ins last weekend because of the retreat, but between the nightmares and other triggers, I asked T if he could check-in briefly. And he actually was available to, so that connection was helpful.

Retreat overall wasn't great, but had a good conversation with W and found out he has a trauma history and did EMDR. He said we could meet to go over trauma-informed meditation resources since I expressed how difficult meditation (and prayer) is for me. Honestly, it was such a relief to know that he knows what it is like. That was the main thing I worried about when J left. Would the next rector know how to be pastoral around mental health and my experiences? J was a lifeline when it came to my trauma history and how religion is wrapped up in it. So knowing W has his own experiences is such a comfort and reassurance. Although, I already need to be careful about getting too attached 😒

Leaves are beginning to really change with colors. Trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

Kathleen Glasglow's new book (The Glass Girl) came out a couple weeks ago, which has been saved in my phone for months. Looking forward to starting that.

Feeling good (ish) about my mental health and spirituality series starting at St. P's this weekend. A bunch of people have told me they are looking forward to it. Over 30 people showed up to my last series, so trying to anticipate that amount again (in the sense of being prepared anxiety-wise and not caught off-guard).

Nails are painted matte teal and grey with glitter.

While my mood and suicidality have been shit, my self-image has been pretty good lately. I never used to be confident in my looks and still wouldn't call myself pretty or beautiful, but it's a bump up from my usual neutrality/dismissiveness.