#a startled stoat

[wistfulvulpine]

gay idiot doodles

[gh99st]

But was he wrong?

“You look like a startled stoat.” - Arthur Pendragon to Merlin, 3x05: The Crystal Cave

He says it as an insult, and Merlin reacts like it’s an insult. I have to say, it’s a pretty shit insult considering what a stoat is.

This is was a stoat looks like to those who don’t know:

Yes Arthur, you roasted him so good! He’s clearly so ugly and stupid looking for you to compare him to this disgusting creature! Just look at how hideous it is!

ADDITION FROM LOOKING AT REBLOGS/COMMENTS: I have been blessed with the perfect pictures to compare Merlin and the stoat. Behold!

[knightswaypoint]

“You look like a startled stoat.”

had a bad week, so I treated myself to some stoat!merlins

(individual shots & poll under cut)

I’m also thinking of getting some printed as stickers for myself, if others are interested:

[dollopole]

Yes, Arthur, I get that you want to insult Merlin to show him you aren’t a weak thing when it comes to him, but you should think better than “clumsy oaf”, or “startled stoat”, or “clotpole”, because those are just cute.

[corvidaemnit]

let’s talk about the kiwi!!

(an info-dump about one of the weirdest, most scientifically interesting birds we know of today!)

so, we’ve all heard about ratites, right?

well, maybe you don’t know them by name, but you’ve most certainly either heard about them or seen them at some point.

some commonly known members of the ratite group are species like ostriches, emus, and cassowaries— as shown below:

ratites are all flightless birds within the infraclass palaeognathae— the infraclass that none other than the (now extinct) moa and elephant bird belong to!

now, these birds all share very similar characteristics; they’re large, long-necked, and long-legged with big clawed feet. all of these birds are also diurnal— which means they’re primarily active during the day time, just like us!

however, there is one species in this infraclass that is not quite like the others..

the kiwi.

not only are kiwi significantly smaller than their fellow ratites, but they also happen to be nocturnal.

and despite being small, their eggs are incredibly large, taking up to around 20% of the kiwi’s body weight, which has caused a lot of rigorous debate between scientists on exactly why.

one outdated theory suggested that perhaps the kiwi had shrunk over time from previously being very large like its ratite relatives, while its egg remained big…. but this has been debunked in recent years.

the current consensus, while still a theory, is that the egg size has to do more with precocity than anything else;

kiwis are born precocial, which makes them pretty much immediately independent upon hatching, with the ability to run and feed themselves without the help of their parents.

modern DNA analysis suggests that the size of kiwi eggs is not just a left-over trait from ‘incomplete’ evolution, but instead the exact opposite— an evolved adaptation to ensure better chances of survival.

due to their sheer size, kiwi eggs house more yolk than average, which ends up keeping newly hatched kiwis nice and fed until they learn to forage food for themselves.

when mammals began to spread in new zealand, kiwis had way more predators to worry about, and it’s theorized that they were previously unequipped to deal with this startling introduction of land-predators, such as stoats and rats, that started feeding on their eggs.

this could explain why kiwi eggs have developed to be so large over time— they give the chicks plentiful nutrients and thicker shells to ensure a better chance of survival against predation.

so… yeah. kiwis produce monster eggs and no one fully knows why just yet. neat, huh?

and that’s not even where the weirdness ends, my friends!

on top of all of this, it’s been a running joke in the bird world that kiwis are ‘honorary mammals,’ not only because of their weirdly mammalian appearance, but also because of some of their atypical biological traits.

for instance, kiwis have an average body temperature of around 38 degrees celsius .. aka, 100 degrees fahrenheit.

while this is not typical at all for birds, this is very typical for mammals, which has stumped a lot of researchers over the years.

similarly, kiwis are also the only bird in the world with exposed nostrils at the end of their beak, which can help them detect prey by using scent instead of their vision, which is very poor.

so… yeah. kiwis are the nocturnal, freakish little cousins of some of the biggest, most dangerous birds on the planet, and scientists are, quite frankly, still a little weirded out by them.

[thesongistheriver]

stoats are adorable, and Arthur knew it

Can anybody hear me

[mentality-project]

BBC Merlin x Reader - My Startled Stoat

Fandom: BBC Merlin

Pairing: Merlin x Reader

Summary: So, I came across this meme thing on Insta comparing pics of Merlin against stoats and the resemblance was uncanny. And then there was a comment about imagine if there was an episode where Merlin turned himself into a stoat by accident and Gwen and Gaius had to hurry to turn him back. And I said challenge accepted...

——

Merlin would’ve sighed if he could. This wasn’t exactly the result that he had intended. What was he going to do? He certainly couldn’t stay like this...

His ears perked up at the sound of a familiar voice.

“Merlin!” You called out as you walked through the part of the woods that the court physician had sent him to, “Gaius said that he sent you to gather herbs and that you were to return hours ago. Where are you?”

You stumbled as you trod over something, causing you to look down. A basket full of herbs and Merlin’s boots...along with all of Merlin’s clothes. Well, at least you were in the right place. But where on earth was Merlin?

“Merlin?” you called out again, looking around for him.

The sound of rustling cloth drew your attention back down and you got the shock of your life when a stoat popped out of neckline of Merlin’s shirt. The animal scuttled forward and came to a stop in front of you. You blinked down at it, eyebrow raised at the unusually tame behaviour. There was also something about the colouring that struck you. The creamy underbelly and dark brunette fur, coupled along with the eyes. The stoat possessed the most brilliant blue eyes that you had ever seen. You knew those eyes. They were just like -

Wait. No...

Slowly, you lowered yourself down onto one knee, peering closer at the stoat’s face.

“Merlin?” your voice had taken on an incredulous tone.

The stoat bounded forward, placed its paws on your knee and nodded. Your eyebrows nearly shot right off your forehead as you slapped a hand over your mouth.

“Oh my god...”

——

“GAIUS!” you called out as you came charging through the door, basket of herbs in one hand and Merlin’s clothes in the other, “Gaius, help!”

The physician hurried over towards you, worry etched into his face, “What’s wrong? Where’s Merlin?”

You set the clothes and boots down on the bench before placing the basket on the table and reaching inside to thrust the stoat-Merlin in front of you.

“Here.”

Gaius raised his eyebrows, looking back and forth between you and Merlin a couple of times before meeting your eyes. It was only when you nodded firmly, lips pressed together in a straight line that Gaius realised that you weren’t joking.

“Oh, my...quite the predicament.” Gaius remarked with a weary sigh.

You set Merlin down on the table with care before turning back to Gaius.

“What are we going to do?”

Gaius sighed again as he folded is arms across his chest.

“Find some way to undo what has been done, I suppose.” Gaius shot the stoat a disapproving look, “At the very least, I hope that this will be a memorable lesson as to why magic should be practiced with caution.”

Stoat-Merlin had the good grace to bow his head and look ashamed. Gaius pursed his lips before turning his attention back to you.

“I have a few patients to tend to before I can go to the library to see if there’s a book that can help us find a way to turn Merlin back. In the meantime, I suggest looking in the grimoire I passed down to Merlin. No doubt that whatever mischief he’s gotten himself into now came from there.”

You nodded and watched Gaius leave, turning to Merlin once the door was shut.

“Well? Where do you keep this grimoire?”

Merlin bounded to the other end of the table, rearing up on his hind legs to look pointedly at his bedroom door before looking back at you.

“I see...” you pressed your lips together before swallowing, “Let’s go.”

You picked Merlin up off the table before making your way up the stairs. Merlin squirmed out of your arms, paws scrabbling across the floorboards as you hesitated in the doorway. You had never been in Merlin’s room before, let alone the room of any man, for that matter. Just the idea of being in Merlin’s room felt strangely intimate. But what other choice did you have? You exhaled as you crossed the threshold.

“Where do you keep it, Merlin?”

Stoat-Merlin circled around a certain spot, making a scratching sound as he pawed at the floor.

“Hmm...” you hummed as you knelt down, tapping on the wood.

The hollow echo had you raising your eyebrows.

“Right.”

You pressed at the boards, eventually working out how to prise up the lid to the hidden compartment. You set it aside before reaching down to take out what could only be the grimoire wrapped in a linen cloth.

“You really are full of secrets, Merlin.” you murmured as the book was revealed before your eyes.

You moved to sit on the edge of Merlin’s bed, book resting in your lap as you flicked through the pages. Stoat-Merlin moved across the bedsheets in a jittery manner, almost circling you. It must be so frustrating for poor Merlin…he probably knew exactly what page and spell you needed to be looking at, but had no way of being able to communicate that to you. After a few moments you paused in your turning of the pages, sighing in frustration.

“I’m afraid I’m not of much use...I don’t know what I’m meant to be looking for, let alone where to start.”

Stoat-Merlin blinked up at you with his wide blue eyes before nudging your hand with his head. You smiled at the gesture, it was almost as if he were trying to encourage you. You and Merlin continued to stare at each other for a few minutes before you spared a glance at the book only to look back at him.

“Did you want to give it a try? See if you could do a little…you know.”

You wiggled your fingers back and forth between your eyes and the grimoire in a poor imitation of Merlin using his magic. Stoat-Merlin blinked and you weren’t sure whether or not he was thinking about how much of an idiot you were. Stoat-Merlin soon turned his gaze to the book lying open in your lap and continued to surprise you when his eyes suddenly went from blue to gold. You jumped as the pages started to move, almost as if an unseen hand was flicking through them furiously. When the pages finally settled, your sent Merlin a sidelong glance of approval.

“Good job, Merlin.” you smiled as you scratched the top of his head, just behind his ears.

Your smile widened as you watched the stoat close his eyes, seeming to be thoroughly loving the attention. The moment was short-lived when his blue eyes snapped open and he tried to shake his head away. You laughed as you withdrew your hand, more than certain that Merlin was doing the stoat equivalent of pouting.

“Sorry...now, let’s see where it all went wrong...” you murmured as you inspected the spells in front of you, “Oh, look! These pages are stuck together. Guess that’s probably why...oh.”

You trailed off as you leaned closer to inspect the mix up, “Oh, dear...interesting little pickle you’ve gotten yourself into, Merlin.”

You sighed at the forlorn look those blue eyes were giving you.

“Come along, then. Let’s see what we can do about it.” you stood with the grimoire and made your way down to Gaius’ work station, Merlin’s stoat body bounding along behind you.

—

You were crushing up the ingredients needed for the reversal potion with a mortar and pestle when the unmistakable sound of a disgruntled prince roaring Merlin’s name sounded down the hall. You froze as you locked eyes with Merlin, panic radiating off the both of you. Of all the times for Arthur to come looking for his manservant...

Abandoning the task at hand, you scooped up Stoat-Merlin and circled the spot where you stood, desperate for somewhere to hide him. In your panic, you decided to hide him in the first place that came to mind. But not before apologising for what you were about to do. You held up Stoat-Merlin to your face, looking him in the eye.

“I’m so sorry.”

And with that sincere apology, you proceeded to shove Stoat-Merlin down the neckline of your bodice. You froze as Prince Arthur threw the door open, clasping your hands together behind your back. Thankfully, Stoat-Merlin had stilled beneath your clothes. You were however, very aware of the heavy thump of his heart as it beat in his tiny furry body against your breastbone.

“Your Highness.” you greeted the prince with a slight bow.

You did a subtle shuffle as you straightened, praying that your upright body was enough to hide the grimoire lying open on the table behind you.

“Have you seen Merlin?”

“No, sire,” you lied blatantly, “I’m looking for him myself.”

“Where is he?”

“Out running errands with Gaius, I suppose. Shall I tell him that you’re looking for him when he returns?”

“Yes, and when you see him, tell to report to me immediately.”

“Of course, sire.”

You bow in farewell as the prince leaves, sighing in relief when the door shuts behind him. You gasp at the feeling of Stoat-Merlin squirming against you, reaching a hand into your clothes to pull him out.

“I’m so sorry!”

Stoat-Merlin has his head in his paws, unable to look you in the eye. You on the other hand, look at him with desperation; your cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry, Merlin! But we couldn’t risk Arthur seeing you in this state and...and I panicked…” you wrung your hands together, cheeks flushing scarlet, “at least I didn’t tell him you were at the tavern…”

Merlin’s paws dropped to his sides and he scuttled over to stand beside the motar and pestle, eager to get this over with. You pressed your hands over your face as you took a breath, willing the heat to dissipate from your face before striding over. You followed the last of the instructions; scooping out a spoonful of the paste into a bowl. You carefully measured out the correct amount of water before stirring it all together, the paste soon turning into a bittersweet smelling soup.

“Bottoms up, Merlin.” you grimaced as you slid the bowl over in his direction, hoping for his sake that the potion would taste better than it smelled.

Stoat-Merlin lapped up as much as he could before bounding over to you. You scooped him up, holding him close as you leaned over the book. You had thought it best that you be the one to read the spell out loud, seeing as stoats couldn’t talk. Hopefully if Merlin read the incantation as you said it, that would be enough to undo the mess of a spell he had made.

You didn’t notice the glow in his eyes as you read the spell, but what you couldn’t ignore was the loud, smoky explosion that happened immediately after. A yelp left your mouth as the force of it knocked you to the ground. Oh, god...the spell had gone wrong, horribly wrong. You felt heavy and pinned down, and you wouldn’t know the extent of your predicament until this confounded smoke cleared up... "Oh."

It was the only sound you could make as you found yourself face to face with a very human, very naked Merlin. You kept your eyes locked onto his and refused to let them wander as your hands found his shoulders. "The spell worked...?" "Yes." Merlin's voice sounded deeper than you were used to, it made your heart skip a beat. You didn't say another word as you pressed your hands over your face to give Merlin privacy. You felt his body leave yours and heard the sound of his clothes rustling as he got dressed. It was only when Merlin pried your hands away that you dared to open your eyes. "Are you hurt?" Merlin asked as he pulled you to your feet. "N-no." An awkward silence hung in the room as you and Merlin struggled to hold each other's gaze, both desperate to break the silence but not knowing what to say. You thanked your stars when Gaius walked in, grateful for the interruption. For the rest of the day, despite your best efforts, your thoughts continued to be plagued with thoughts of blue eyes and crushed velvet.

[onceandfuturelesbian]

“Merlin’s ears are on fire now, which can only mean he looks like a startled stoat with two red flags.”

awe merlin you look adorable

quote from Following the Custom by TyalanganD

[thegreymoon]

I know what a stoat is because I'm a Merlin fan:

(gif by @lighthouse-on-the-sea)

My mom and I roasted my dad so hard for not knowing what a stoat is, only to find out later that my mom's students also did not know what a stoat is. I'm losing my mind. There are stoats around where we live I do not understand how this has happened

[startledstoat]

fun fact when i made this account my username was either gonna be startledstoat or arthursspoon bc for the last week straight i had had "YoU lOoK lIkE a StArTlEd StOaT" and "Are you threatening me with a spoon???" stuck in my head

[goth-emrys]

arthur: you look like a startled stoat.

merlin: yeah? well, at least i dont look like a bone-idle...toad.

[starlitangels]

Kody: You look like a startled stoat

Damien: Well at least I don’t look like a bone-idle… toad

Kody: You think I look like a toad?

Damien: Yup. And maybe someday you’ll magically transform into a handsome Prince

Damien: Except shifter magic is pretty much impossible for any other specialist so that’ll probably never happen

Damien: *grabs Huxley’s hand* C’mon let’s go

[earlgreyinpajamas]

hii do you have any more fake dating fics? ty!

merthur

The Proposition by fifty_fifty

Hit by another scandal and with the reputation of the monarchy hanging on by a thread, Prince Arthur finds himself in desperate need of an image rehabilitation.

When the press assumes his blossoming friendship with his maths tutor Merlin is more of a romance, his father proposes a proposition: ask Merlin to continue portraying a wholesome relationship for a few months to regain the prince’s reputation, and receive his university costs paid off in full in return.

With his image restored and a new beau lined up, Arthur is left with a difficult decision; bend to his fathers will, or defy him.

In the end, it’s not such a tough choice. Love always wins.

~~~

the ending slaps

2. (it feels like we're just) too close by kirani (@merlinisnotover)

Merlin and Arthur are taken captive and assumed to be a soulmate pair. When Merlin realizes they don't know who Arthur is, he decides to play along. The truth of the matter is a bit more complicated.

~~~

ack this is cute

3. Following the Custom by TyalanganD (@tyalangand)

"So, the magic is a bit like the land, yeah? A king vows to protect the land, and in the ancient tradition, it’s almost as if he gets married to it. The Sorcerer is an embodiment of the land. So, the druids expect…”

“…expect me to be married to you?”

“No, no!” Merlin’s ears are on fire now, which can only mean he looks like a startled stoat with two red flags. “They know that dynasties don’t work that way, they’re not stupid.”

“Glad to hear that. What do they require of me, then?”

“Well, to show me… affection. When we receive their delegation, they’ll be looking for signs that you truly accepted magic, my lord. If they see you behaving towards me as you do usually, they might take offence.”

~~~

this is how the show should have went down!!!

00q

Call Me Darling, I Come Running by samanthahirr (@samanthahirr)

On a quiet night off in London, Bond receives a mysterious text to come to Q's aid. But just what kind of trouble is Q in? And why does he require Bond to pose as his boyfriend?

~~~

a must read!!

2. Important Dates by AtoTheBean

After a brief attempt at retirement, James is back at MI6 and working hard to rebuild working relationships with his colleagues and friends. And he's making great strides.

Only Q continues to hold him at arm's length, maintaining a stubborn professionalism in their interactions that James remains unable to pierce.

But James doesn't want Q at arm's length, and so he takes a risk. But even a spy's instincts can run amok, and now James wonders just how long he'll be reaping what he's sown, and how many holidays it will take to win Q over.

~~~

there's a chapter in here where they're undercover for a mission

3. Under The Covers by storm_of_sharp_things

007 Fest 2020

Fill 6 of 9 for collab prompt table Thanks to Celyan for the prompt: For mission related reasons, Q has to join Bond in the field (preferably for a longer mission) and he has to do it as Bond’s fake boyfriend, while simultaneously keeping it a secret from nosy friends and superiors alike that he and Bond are already in a very committed relationship.

James and Q settle into the LGBTQ+ community in Arosa, Switzerland, on an undercover mission to discover some important information from their target, who attends Gay Ski Week every year in January.

~~~

not sure if you'd count this as fake dating, but i thought it was an fun premise so it's here

[knightswaypoint]

⚔️ Stickers are here!! ⚔️

The entire "startled stoat" merlin collection

As well as the "To Bear Golden Fruits" Merlinktober artwork in both:

Metallic Accents

& Holographic

Unfortunatly!!

I can no longer ship to the EU due to new shipping regulations that have come into effect (however, If you were to ship to a friend not in the EU and have them then ship it to you then that's none of my business ;) )

[lastintheserverbox]

Takes care of you... when you're sick...? Why? I got sick and broke my bones a lot, and I never went t-

[The ping of Cray's message makes them jump, letting out a startled squawk.]

... N-no... checkups? No, I- I never went at all... my parents never took me, and- and I never left the apartment...

When I still went to school, Stoat would tell me to use a doctor's appointment as an excuse when I skipped class... they just said not to worry that I didn't know what that meant.

Your mom... took you to the doctor...? To- to be... taken care... of...?

-🦜

[Orison sucks in a breath. It's good the doctor isn't here to hear this right now]

"...Doctors are quite important on the outside world. The reason your...'roommate' never took you, is because they knew had they done so, you would have been taken away for what they were doing."

[bebravedearheart]

10 Characters, 10 Fandoms

Rules: Post 10 favourite characters from 10 separate fandoms

Thank you @thesongistheriver for the tag!

1. Sir Leon (Merlin)

2. Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler (X Men)

3. James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes (Captain America)

4. Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect)

5. The Iron Bull (Dragon Age)

6. Gale Dekarios (Baldur's Gate 3)

7. Eskel (The Witcher 3)

8. Dr Lisa Cuddy (House MD)

9. Henrietta "Hen" Wilson (911)

10. Portia Featherington (Bridgerton)

This was fun trying to think of fandoms!

I don't know who has been tagged in this before and who hasn't, so I apologise but I'll tag @godmerlin @guiltyscarlet @marcskywalker @example-of-a-romantic @startled-stoat