#a road so lackluster because they think that's what they deserve

[firewoodfigs]

🌹

I longed for a love that would stretch for miles, but I knew ours would only ever span / two blocks wide.

thank you for the ask, nari! <3 this is sort of meant to be an accompaniment to my other poem, a modern love story: sunk cost fallacies from a more confessional perspective, but I haven't really figured out the rest of it yet haha. maybe a walk will do me some good!

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Hello. I've been binge reading your meta post an I loves all of it. I have one question, though I don't know if you had the same question or not. If you had I'm sorry feel free to ignore this but if you hadn't, this is my question. Many people said Adrien as sentimonster is a good plot and the other said it's also good metaphor for abuse children. But what do you think about the senti plot? Is it necessary? And what do you think the writer is trying to achieve with the plot if Adrien doesn't even allowed to know about what he is?

Thank you! I'm glad that you've been enjoying my rambles! I don't think I've touched on those aspects of the sentiplot, so here goes!

Is it Necessary/What's The Goal?

I don't think that the sentiplot is even remotely necessary. My two cents is that it reads like something that was added relatively last-minute in order to add some cheap drama to draw the plot out because they didn't have enough content to organically fill seven seasons. Part of the reason that I'm comfortable saying that is because we've seen the writers do this type of move many times before. I don't wanna get too into the weeds on this, but a good example is the love triangles with Luka and Kagami.

Luka and Kagami are never treated as real alternate love interests. They're just road blocks on the love square highway that allow for seasons three to end on a cliff hanger. The fact that season four opens on two episodes meant to reassure the audience that Lukanette and Adrigami are doomed to fail is proof of this. No one is actually supposed to ship those ships. There's no Team Luka vs Team Adrien. It's just cheap drama.

The other reason that I feel comfortable calling the sentiplot cheap shoehorned drama is because the sentiplot has no teeth. A big reason why I refused to believe that it was going to be a thing was because it's an extremely serious plot that has no place in a Y-7 show. The wielder of raw destruction can have his free will overwritten at any time! The show has made jewelry theft a common teenage past time! This is bad!

And yet, once it's introduced, it goes nowhere. Gabe gives the most lackluster commands humanly possible and Nathalie undoes every one of them before they have a chance to meaningfully impact the plot. The biggest fallout of the sentiplot was that the Adrienette kiss got delayed a bit. How terrifying.

If the sentiplot had the weight it deserved, then it would have destroyed Adrientte in a big, dramatic fashion. Gabriel would have commanded Adrien to date Kagami and Tomoe would have done the same for Kagami re Adrien. But that's too serious, so we don't even get Gabe telling Adrien to break up with Marinette. He just tells Adrien to not see her and Marinette never has any clue that something went wrong there because Nathalie undoes the command two minutes later.

The Sentiplot's and Emilie

You may have read the previous section and thought, "But wait, doesn't the sentiplot give an explanation for why Emilie used the peacock? Didn't we need that?"

No, we didn't. Felix's little play and Gabe's memory of the night they used the peacock both heavily imply that no one knew that the peacock would kill you. It's why Felix exists! His father did not willingly give his life to have a kid and neither did Emilie. It was an unknown side effect.

Imo, it would have actually been better if Emilie hadn't used the peacock for such obviously selfish reasons. I mean, is anyone really saying, "Oh no, the rich lady used forbidden magic (and possibly killed some people?) to get a designer baby, then faced unexpected consequences! How awful for her! She didn't deserve that!"

Wouldn't it have been a far more interesting and complex story if Emilie used the peacock because she wanted to help someone else? If she was an unambiguously good person who suffered for doing the right thing or even just a morally gray thing? Wouldn't that make Gabriel's quest feel more righteous and less like a temper tantrum by a rich, entitled white guy who used his wealth in a morally dubious manner and paid for it?

The Sentiplot as an Abuse Metephor

I don't think that the writers meant for the sentiplot to be an abuse metaphor. In fact, I sincerely hope they didn't because it's a terrible one! Or, at least, a depressing one.

Abuse - especially childhood abuse - is something that sticks with us. A lot of victims will be forever scared by what they went through. But just because they bare scares doesn't mean that they're trapped by their abuse and can never break free. This is true even if the abuse caused mental health issues like PTSD or CPTSD, conditions that can never be cured because you know what they can be? Controlled and mitigated to the point where the victim is no longer ruled by their condition.

There's also the fact that abuse victims - especially child abuse victims - can and often do reach a point where their abusers no longer have any power over them. I have personally seen a child abuse victim go thought the process of realizing that their parent is just another adult now. All the power that the parent once held is gone. The child doesn't depend on them for food and shelter anymore. If the abuse starts up again, then the child can just get up and walk away.

That's not true for a sentimonster. Sentimonsters don't grow up and get more agency/power. At any point, their abuser can get ahold of their amok and override their free will, taking away the sentimonster's freedom even if the sentimonster is on another continent! There is no means of true escape.

No abuse victim will ever be that powerless. Abuse victims can escape abuse and they do have true free will. Sentimonsters will always be sentimonsters.

Is the Sentiplot Good?

No. It's too serious for a kids show. In fact, now that it's canon, here's my two cents: all of the sentikids are massive liabilities to the team who need to give up their miraculouses immediately because they can never be truly trusted. Felix has shown us time and time again how easy it is to steal an amok and replace it with a fake, so we must always assume that the sentikids are compromised because to assume otherwise is to invite the miraculouses to fall into the wrong hands. It's just not worth the risk to trust a senti.

Along the same lines, the love square should never be canon unless Marinette gives up Guardianship because Adrien is a liability to the safety of the miraculouses even if he didn't wield on himself. The only way to get around this issue is to use the wish to make the sentikids human, but Gabe failed to even do that one kindness for his son, so here we are. Season six will either drive this point home by having Lila use the amoks to mess with Adrien or it will drop the sentiplot forever, proving just how cheap and poorly thought out it was.

Other issues I think I've already addressed in other posts, but that are still a problem that make the plot bad:

a sentimonster's creator defines the sentimonster's worth, thus there being no issue with Felix making sentimonsters and then killing them or the heroes destroying them, but it would somehow be wrong if we did the same thing to any of the sentikids

any command you give a sentimonster can be overwritten and sentimonsters can't resist even if they know they're being controlled, so there's truly no hope to free them

giving your leading lady anxiety issues and a boyfriend whose free will is constantly in jeopardy is cruel and unusual punishment

an insane number of lore issues like why is it impossible to destroy other sentimonsters, but Adrien can be destroyed in akuma fights? Cataclysms are pure destruction! It makes no sense that akumas can do what a cataclysm can't. And is Adrien able to die a natural death? What happens to his amok when he does? Will his children be able to be controlled by his amok too since they're part of him?

the lore around Gabe & Emilie finding the miraculous makes no sense and should not be possible. That's another rant, though.

[cantstoptheimagines]

my thoughts on the super mario brothers movie

spoilers below the cut! you have been warned!

if you go see this movie, there are two credit scenes (a mid and an end), so be sure to stay the entire time before leaving the theatre!!!! you really don't want to miss them!!!

i wish they didn't spend so much time in the real world at the beginning. as a result, the parts where mario was actually in mushroom world felt like a whirlwind. they hit plot points so fast instead of taking time to explain them and really flesh out the characters and story. i think a simple montage at the beginning would've worked far better than what they went with; it would've given them more time to explore the rest of the journey.

should've just called it the mario movie because luigi is barely even there!! 🤬 he literally just sits in a cage for over half the runtime

a continuation from my last point — because luigi sits in a cage for most of his screentime, he doesn't have time to go through the development they try to suddenly push on him at the end of the movie. he goes from terrified to super brave in an instant without really any build-up and the moment is lackluster as a result.

voice acting wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, but i'd really only give a round of applause to jack black as bowser and (maybe) seth rogan as donkey kong. it felt like they were the only two who tried.

STOP GIVING VOICE ACTING ROLES TO MAINSTREAM CELEBRITIES JUST SO YOU CAN SELL TICKETS!!!!!! (there are very few exceptions to this, but most of those are comedians who know how to express themselves through their voice without being so overtly themselves that it's a distraction. an example is jack black, he's carrying this movie on his back and deserves his credit)

mario is there, but it's mostly peach leading the scenes, which is interesting. but as much as i love peach, give mario more attention in his own movie lol! (same with luigi because it's the mario brothers)

with that said, i do appreciate the fact that peach had a much more active role!! i just wish it wasn't used as a way to take away from the literal main characters of the movie

bowser was perfect, no notes lol!!!

toad was alright! he served his purpose as a cute, little sidekick pretty well!! no complaints about him 🍄

happily surprised by lumalee's presence!! i really didn't expect that

also loved the references to mario kart and the inclusion of rainbow road! that was a really good scene!!

there were other references to gameplay (obviously) and i thought they were all really well done in their execution <3

they included the dk rap and that was awesome!! HOWEVER they did not name the creator of the song, grant kirkhope, during the end credits which really pissed me off!! that song is iconic and giving credit isn't that fucking hard!!! 🤬

if i think of anything else, i'll probably add it later

[detectivenyx]

Did you ever finish Shinrai Broken Beyond Despair? The game you streamed a couple years ago. If you did, any thoughts?

i did finish the game, i'll copy-paste my steam review because i haven't really given SHINRAI any more thoughts since going through it:

When I first bought the game and started it up, I thought my veteran experience with Danganronpa titles and the fact I completed Danganronpa v3 without a walkthrough, alongside lackluster presentation, meant that I'd be easily able to predict how the story turned out. (spoiler: i was way off)

I will start off with listing the dealkillers that might make people think twice before buying the game. The art can be pretty ugly at times, and in the case of [spoiler], incredibly graphic for the style. Like, uncomfortably so. It's not bad, but coming straight off the heels of Danganronpa (and there will be frequent comparisons to Danganronpa), and often being recommended alongside it, it can make it feel a little inferior. The storytelling, especially in the prologue and first chapter while trying to introduce everybody but still pretty rife throughout the entire thing, suffers from a severe case of tell-don't-show; what I mean is, rather than showing us certain character traits, the writing will simply list those character traits. "This character is my best friend. She has always been there for me. Blah blah blah." "This character is a pervert who studies foreign languages." (This one done after it was already SHOWN he was a pervert studying foreign languages, mind you) It doesn't weave exposition naturally into the narrative, even though I noticed several instances where it could have done so. If you're right on the heels like Danganronpa like I was, don't expect Chapter 5 to hold your hand. If you expect the game to spell everything out for you like Danganronpa does - and this is both a good and bad trait in my opinion -prepare for some bad endings. There's an achievement for saving [spoiler], but this character really doesn't provide much motive for saving them. They're really not that likeable, so there's not much incentive except for steam achievements. 

Now onto positives: The writing is pretty good when it avoids telling us things rather than showing us. Of course, that's usually when it's trying to mislead you, such as [spoiler]. It's reminiscent of old campy horror movies translated to the visual novel genre, and it provides an interesting if somewhat familiar plot. Standard horror cliches are given some chance to be reinvented and used in a way that aids the mystery part. Like I said, when it's not rattling stuff off to be exposition-y, it's actually really solid writing. The mystery itself had a surprising conclusion and I did get nearly every possible road to the Bad End before I had to go look up what the answer was. For the level of writing we were getting during exposition dumps, the fact the mystery turned out so well-written is pretty surprising, and it is getting me to think about my own mystery writing as well as the earlier Danganronpa titles.  Openly queer characters was a refresher, and in proportion to reality was excellent, too. Being LGBT+ myself, seeing characters openly admit it is always good in my books, so long as they're characters first. Thankfully, [spoiler] are. The music isn't as good or memorable as Danganronpa, but it's still pleasant to listen to. As in you won't be reaching to mute the soundtrack (though if you'd prefer to play Danganronpa music over the top, the options luckily allow you to turn down off the music without turning down the sound effects). Mika. Just Mika. Not waifu material, being 14-15 years old (can't remember which) but definitely best girl. Adorable, funny, and the only one without some connection to the events or main character. She's here for the memes and the ride and that makes her the best.

In my opinion: this game does deserve voice acting. On my channel I spent 9 hours playing this game, and I damn near wore my voice out trying to provide even lackluster casting. I'd offer my services if the game ever wants to have voice acting, but like I said, my voice acting is very lackluster.

Getting to the point: Should you buy the game?

In my opinion? Yes. There's enough here to make it well worth your while. I paid $1/hr for the experiences the game gave me, and I've spent more on experiences that don't last anywhere near as long. It is the poor man's Danganronpa, but it's not bad for the poor man's Danganronpa.

[thedandelion-writer]

hi!! for the 600 followers milestone- congrats!! you deserve it so much 🥺 and could i request a matchup? i'm ok with both genders, i'm an INFP and my zodiac sign is cancer. i'm more on the shy / reserved side but honestly it depends on the company i have but i enjoy talking to people! honestly i don't have high expectations,, just someone loyal and trustworthy will do :3 boundary wise, i would rather not rush my first kiss bc pda to me is more of like a sign of affection than anything else

A/N: Aw thank you sm!! ^^ And I've got to be honest with you, even if this wasn't much info to go by, the second I read through it one character popped into my mind. I've tried to search for other possibilities but my mind went nope, this is the one, now WRITE IT.

(They have sent me a separate ask with additional information about Q.4)

But without further ado, you're going with...

Diluc!

My reasons!

Diluc is definitely someone loyal and trustworthy, let's get that out of the way. He's also quite reserved, and comfortable silences, I feel, would be a recurring thing between the two of you. I also find that he would be the rational person in the relationship, since you can tend to be the emotional counterpart. This is not to say he is cold though! Diluc cares about you deeply, but sometimes his troubled past can make him seem like he has a hard time expressing himself outwardly (he is touch starved and emotionally constipated please shower him with love). He is definitely one loosen up a bit over time, so I was thinking more long term when I matched you guys up! Even though he was my first choice, I had also thought about Jean or Keqing. But at the end, I felt like the two were lackluster in certain areas and so I chose fire daddy I mean Diluc- instead :)

The First Date:

It was a young night on a weekend, so in truth, you were disappointed but not surprised that this happened

"Is there anywhere else you'd like to go?" Diluc looked on the long, long line snaking out of the restaurant you really wanted to take him to

Because what better way than to know someone better than over some good food? Though that plan was utterly ruined due to the fact that waiting in line for hours on end was not very romantic

Your feet hurt, though if his did too he didn't show it one bit

"I will take you anywhere," he offered.

Sheepishly, you smiled. "Yeah, let's get out of here."

And so it was. But you still haven't answered his question, the two of you now wandering the emptying street. That was the only thing you had thought of this evening and your mind was blank as to where to go next

"Um, hey- I'm sorry," you blushed, a little embarassed, this was supposed to be his first impression and you totally blew it.

"Do not apologise," he said,"you couldn't have predicted this to happen."

"But I told you today was going to be fun, and it's been pretty sucky so far," you went on, feeling a little glum.

Times like these make Diluc wish he had a way with words, someone who could say something funny or 'cheesy' as he heard some people put it. But he always ended up sounding stiff, and you deserved him to be genuine before anything else.

Instead, he rubbed soothing circles on your back with his thumb, thinking of what other places he could take you to uplift your spirit.

"I do have another idea," you peered up at him tentatively,"oh, but I don't know..."

"What is it?" Diluc prompted you to continue.

After all, he wanted today to go well just as much as you do maybe even more so

"Well, we could go back to my place," you scuffed your foot along the pavement,"it's not going to be as fancy as a restaurant but I could whip up a mean honey ro-"

"Let's do that," he cut in. Your face must have looked somewhere in between a little surprised and amused because he cleared his throat and said,"that sounds nice."

Smiling at his approval, you tugged at his arm down the road to your humble abode, up the stairs and into the kitchen.

Setting up the table with a cloth and spare candles, you deemed it passable for a homemade candlelit dinner.

Now for the actual dinner part

Diluc insisted to help, and you agreed, but only if he would let you put a frilly apron on him (he begrudgingly lets you because he couldn't say no to the pleading, as long as you did not take a picture or breathe a word of this to Kaeya)

That was a small price to pay for the sight of the once stoic man who now looked like a housewife, ladle in hand.

Though you looked away for one second and he burned the carrots

You stifled your laughter, pushing the confused Diluc out of the kitchen, re-delegating him to making the drinks instead

Even though the evening had started out rocky, it definitely turned out better than you imagined.

After everything was cleaned up, Diluc folded his coat over an arm and you walked him to the door.

"I do hope we'll have another chance at sharing a meal," he said, halfway out the door,"if you'll have me, that is."

"O-of course Diluc, I'd love that," you looked down, suddenly feeling shy.

"Goodnight Y/N."

"Goodnight!"

As soon as he turned around you closed the door, heart racing, a goofy smile plastered across your face.

[uwua3]

helloo! i was lurking through ur blog and ur writing is so good??? ur angst fic for tsumu was so painful and now i'm 😭😭 so can i pls request for hcs for tsumugi with an affectionate s/o? thank youuu 😭😭😭💖

i promise you i have 5 drafts right now but the moment i thought about this prompt, it wouldn’t leave my mind and i knew i had to write it! also, i’m so happy you liked my tsumu angst 🥺 it’s my least popular writing so i didn’t know if it was just awfully written or T___T but yes! angel deserves love ♡

summary: when all else failed, flower language was there to win over your crush

author’s note: this might be a bit different from what you were expecting, anon! the affection so much isn’t... obvious? well, you’ll have to read it and tell me if you think flower language is affection ♡

i absolutely adore flowers, so i was so thankful to put this romantic knowledge to use! if you are looking to be timeless, woo your crush with flowers please~

word count: 2,992

music: dream – suzy & baekhyun, love is the way – red velvet

yellow tulips means there’s sunshine in your smile.

❄️📚 tsukioka tsumugi

tsumugi loved flowers

it all started when he worked as a florist. the store was the same as always, even after he came back. it was overgrown, with decades of flora & fauna taking over the storefront as there wasn’t a single dead leaf in sight. greenery gave the usual urban, grey road life as the sunshine felt warmer in the makeshift forest. displays of annual flowers made tsumugi smell the roses, and he came by daily ever since he was a teenager

tsumugi liked to check out the produce and greet his favorite little old lady nicknamed “ma” that ran the small store. she always coddled him, pinching his cheeks and affectionately saying he grew up handsome as he blushed under the praise. she liked retelling stories she remembered of his young self working in her shop, laughing at his low stamina but unbreakable will

she reminded him of his own grandmother, and often arrived after work with new flowers he had harvested from the mankai courtyard to impress her

it was a particularly lucky day. one of tsumugi’s blooms came earlier than expected, and the moment he noticed it whilst gardening and whistling a tune, he took one as he left the dorms in his gear. when tsumugi arrived nearly out of breath for attempting to run the entire length, he was about to call the grandmother’s name but noticed someone else was tending the plants

(strange, ma never needed help, tsumugi thought before he glanced at your smile and was blinded. you were the sun)

when you bloomed into his life like the most beautiful flower, tsumugi swore he nearly dropped his pot when he saw you the first time. you saw him in gardening overalls stained by dirt and his rural appearance, and he admired you like you were at full bloom

tsumugi wasn’t good with words, in fact, he couldn’t even speak when he saw you. he just nodded quickly, gesturing to the random new arrivals he was pretending to be interested in. as you went further into the store, tsumugi sighed and could feel the vines within his lungs crawl and tighten around his chest

he wanted to talk to you, but he was afraid you’d be a cherry blossom that lasted for two weeks before fluttering away

so tsumugi approached you the only way he knew how: with flowers

it was your first week working as ma’s apprentince florist, but you had found a minature flower bouquet by your door. it was tarragon, a herb with tiny green & yellow flowers, gently wrapped with a delicate pastel yellow ribbon

tarragon: lasting interest

when ma came upon the boquet, she smiled knowingly, as if she had some dirt on the secret giver. however, you couldn’t get ma to budge (that woman was incredibly stubborn and had seen too many things to yield to a young adult!)

you decided to keep the herbs, pressing the flowers so they’d dry and twirled the ribbon around your finger as the empty lackluster hours expectedly came and went throughout the day. you wondered if the person who brought you such a beautiful present knew of flower language?

tsumugi did

tsumugi was a hopeless romantic at heart despite living in a world of fleeting love. he remembered learning flower language for situations like this, though, this was the first time he ever had to (or wanted to) use it

he still came to the shop every other day to be the victim of ma’s endless teasing, her short frame not stopping her from jabbing him in the ribs with her elbow. but this time, with a knowing smile. nothing ever escaped ma, she was too observant for her own good

(tsumugi was the only person she knew who tied his ribbons that way)

(she only knew because every mother’s day, tsumugi liked giving her the best assortment of flowers she had ever seen ever since he worked for her)

as the days went by, you had begun to notice the quiet, timid boy with the shyest smile and brightest eyes always standing near the front in the sun as you hid away inside wherever the fan was

(perhaps you regretted that, when you heard his gentle laugh twinkle across the shop like wind chimes, you thought of tarragon)

one day, when you decided to look up after intensely reading a library book on botany behind the register, you saw him immediately avert his eyes and awkwardly laugh at something ma said. she glanced back at you, gesturing you over with a flick of her hand. you didn’t even bother arguing against it, closing your book and heading out front

(no one fought ma and won)

“this is my newest employee, tsumugi! they’re such a green thumb, it’s like they bring my flowers back to life.” ma bragged, laying a hand on your arm and pushing you forward so you were even closer to the boy you’ve been noticing out of the corner of your eye. he couldn’t look you in the eye, he was staring at everything but your eyes

(tsumugi couldn’t look at you because you shined so bright, he almost had to cover his eyes)

you introduced yourself properly, and as tsumugi finally tore his sight away from the new red roses in season, his eyes widened at something around your neck. you subconsciously lifted your hand to it and—oh

it was the yellow ribbon you had been gifted last week

ma grinned, feigning shock at your new acessory around the collar of your uniform. “my dear, i never noticed such a pretty little thing! haven’t you been wearing it everyday?” ma pretended to reach out for it but you leaned back, protectively putting your hand over the bow

(for some reason, you had become oddly attached to the ribbon)

“i... i have. just thought it was lovely, that’s all.” you justified, seeing tsumugi’s shoulders drop when he exhaled with... relief? tsumugi complimented the shade of yellow, saying it often fit the summer season and compared it to a dahlia

so, when it was the next day and you saw ma waiting for you with another knowing smile and a single yellow dahlia in her hands, you remembered tsumugi

the dahlia was pastel yellow, just like the ribbon you had on today. when you took it, you turned it over and watched the petals rustle in the summer wind

dahlia (single): good taste

“you know who it is, don’t you?” you interrogated ma, holding the dahlia close to your chest. it was clearly grown with care, in fact, it almost saddened you to see such a beautiful flower given to you when it could’ve kept on growing

ma just shrugged, doing her morning round of watering as she slipped on her gloves and got to work. you were about to do the same before something caught your eye

blue salvias

you didn’t even need to ask ma before she passed you a pen and floral tag you could attach

you bundled up blue salvias, tying a navy blue ribbon (you thought of tsumugi’s eyes and hair that glistened in the sunlight) with a note attached

“thank you, may all your flowers bloom during this summer season!”

you finished it off by signing your name, and left it in ma’s very capable hands. she complimented your ribbon choice with a snicker, but you didn’t question it. ma knew way too much neighbourhood gossip from being the local cupid with her flowers

(you were out back on break, taking notes from a herbs textbook you borrowed. while you were dutifully learning, you never noticed ma pass tsumugi a bouquet of blue salvias and his shocked, flustered blush as he accepted the flowers graciously)

blue salvias: i think of you

(“next time, my boy, just give the flowers to me. you’re much too obvious for your own good.” ma patted tsumugi’s cheek with her wrinkled hand, an aged look to her as if she knew it all)

(when tsumugi went home, he tied the dark blue ribbon around his watering can and put the salvias in a vase)

it didn’t take long before ma whacked a bouquet of flowers over your head, reprimanding you for slouching while reading

you took the gift, noticing a note but before you could read, you smelled the white camelias. but when you realized what it meant, you turned as red as the carnations beside you

white camelias: you’re adorable

“if only you were the sun, then all my flowers would be happy. though, they could never be as bright as you.”

as you unlooped the white ribbon this time, you put aside the note as you tied the ribbon around your neck. now, you had two equally cute ribbons that had you thinking of this secret admirer all day

as the fan blew towards you, the note floated to the floor as you leaned down from your stool to catch it mid–air. you checked the back of the tag, there was a name you would’ve missed: tulip

did they want you to address them as tulip? without a second thought, you had an assortment of red carnations held by a red ribbon and another note

“tulip? why is that?”

(you signed the back with “sunflower”)

red carnations: alas for my poor heart

next day, you received a dwarf sunflower with a bright yellow ribbon and a note you held closest to your heart

“perhaps, i just wanted to make you smile. — forever thinking of you, too, tulip”

dwarf sunflower: adoration

for the next month, you slowly forgot about the shy boy with the blue. tsumugi stopped by less, or at least he came during your break time. you wondered why, since he refused to look into your eyes and hid his face during the rare chances you did get to see him

(tsumugi always gave ma the flowers when it was break, he didn’t want you to find out)

you and your secret admirer kept exchanging flowers like it was mail. by this time, you had so many ribbons and you always received questions on why you wore them all

(“no reason.” you’d lie, and gently ran your fingers over the thread)

(tsumugi began tying the ribbons you gifted him everywhere just so he’d remember you. sometimes even around his pinky when he wanted to feel connected to you like soulmates would. he’d lay his head on his desk, pretending he was pulling on your string of fate and watched the ribbon flow elegantly around his hand with a small smile)

you had grown fond of tulip. his handwriting was delicate and light, you could tell he didn’t push down hard on his pen even when he doodled the flowers he was giving you that day. he had such a unique style, it was comforting to write to someone so genuinely kind and pure–hearted

although your affections to tulip were unparalleled, you often smelled the flowers he gave you and stared out at the horizon, wondering who this person was. you wanted a real name to connect to a face

(maybe, you were scared that whatever you were feeling was too much for a nameless unknown)

you knew it might have been too soon to demand answers, but your actions were readily supported by ma as she took the bouquet without letting you think it over

a purple bittersweet, also known as nightshade, with a deep violet ribbon and short note this time

“i must ask you, tulip, is it truly too much trouble for you to share your name? — best, sunflower”

(when tsumugi received these flowers with an impatient look from ma, he faltered, looking into the store but seeing you were no where in sight. ma jabbed him again, frustrated with his fear. “tell her!” ma insisted, but tsumugi shook his head and left)

(ma sighed, rubbing her temples as she shut her eyes. “kids, these days.”)

bittersweet: truth

“i am afraid, once you know the real me, you won’t want me anymore. i know it is selfish of me, but i just want to have you, just for a little longer. — always yours, tulip”

you read the next day and twirled the red columbine with a sigh. maybe you were afraid, this love would only bloom in the summer and tulip thought the same thing

red columbine: anxious, trembling

(you didn’t respond for a few days. you couldn’t, you were just as scared of what you felt for them)

you had started your day off bright and early, arriving at the local library to continue your research into flower language. you had chosen a book after becoming interested by its familiar drawings on the cover and took it to the shop, waving to ma as you rested in the back moss garden

you wanted to find the perfect flower to comfort tulip. even though your curiousity was overwhelming, you couldn’t help but understand where they were coming from. the relationship you guys had built was so nice, it would be a shame to question it

you turned the page but furrowed your eyebrows, automatically opening to a bookmark. it was custom, with dried flowers and a ribbon at the end through a hole. you noticed two initials at the bottom in light handwriting

T.T.

you were about to take it out to return it before the wind made you lose your place, going to the back of the book where the card pocket was. you put the bookmark at the back and found the letters aligned to a name that borrowed the book most recently

T.T. tsukioka tsumugi

tsumugi... that must’ve been the full name of the blue boy who came by so much. then, you noticed it

the handwriting was familiar, for a good reason. tsumugi crossed his t’s the same way as tulip, the ends of the t’s were curved in a similar fashion, too

you remembered the first time you met tsumugi

(“yellow, like a dahlia.” tsumugi hummed, reaching out to fix the way it was uneven. he almost didn’t notice it, until he looked up at your eyes. he moved back, made some excuse of how busy he was, and disappeared)

(you had touched the ribbon, wondering why you didn’t stop him)

you quickly moved to the front desk, shuffling through the countless stacks of paper and decorations until you reached the drawer where you kept all the notes. you took a random sample, realizing it was one of the more recent ones before you had asked their name

it had been stained with dirt. they must’ve wrote it in a hurry, like they just had to say it

“would it be too soon to say i want to see you, even though i know i can’t? — i miss you, tulip”

(you remembered this. pink camellia, pastel pink ribbon)

pink camellia: longing for you

you put the scrap of paper side by side with tsumugi’s name, tracing the letters with a shaky hand. how had you not realized it, was the boy you had become fascinated with the one you actually liked? sure, you thought the silent affection for the client was temporary, like a cherry blossom

turns out, he had survived the summer and would stay with you even until winter

was tsumugi tulip?

you had closed the book, attempting to process the revelation. all those things you said, all the secrets you exposed to the world, and he felt the same. sure, it was silly to think you could fall in love with the way someone wrote

but then, you thought about when you saw him the first time under the sun. he was glittering and sparkling like a streaming river, blue and beautiful. you wanted to see tsumugi again, you had to know

you didn’t usually send bouquets first, so when you handed one to ma, her face hardened and she seemed to know

“you know who it is, now? are you ready?” ma asked, placing the flowers down to envelop you in a motherly hug. you hugged back, nodding with resolve as you placed your chin on her head

“i... i need to know,” you chose your words carefully, but you glanced up and saw all the floral ornaments you had made from their gifts. their sweet, well–meaning flowers that brightened your day. then, your gaze fell upon the red columbine

“i need to know if this is real love.” you finished, ma patting you on your back comfortingly as she listened

“he loves you, little sprout.” ma simply said, but it meant everything when you waited until the next day with the flowers yourself

it was your break time. tsumugi came in with a bouquet just like you, but his steps stuttered when he saw you standing out front with flowers at your chest

you looked at him and softly smiled, the admiration and affection you had for a mysterious boy flourishing out of you. you took a small step forward, but tsumugi took two steps back. he hid the flowers behind his back

tsumugi was about to apologize, beg for your forgiveness before you smiled, your neck decorated with the tens of ribbons he had gifted you

“i love you, tulip.” you confessed, needing no note to hide behind when you held the bouquet out to tsumugi

red tulips, red ribbon

red tulips: passion, a declaration of love

tsumugi took a moment to admire you, the way you stood tall just like a sunflower. maybe it was too fast and he was being impulsive, but he felt it. he felt love, he wanted you to feel it, too

tsumugi offered you a bouquet in return as you laughed at the situation, pulling him into a close hug and taking in his warmth

yellow tulips, yellow ribbon

yellow tulips: there is sunshine in your smile

“i love you, too, sunflower.”

[aion-rsa]

Best Serial Killer Movies of the ’90s Ranked

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Someone must have left the freezer door in the morgue open, because grisly reminders of the past are thawing before our eyes. You can see it this weekend with the release of John Lee Hancock’s The Little Things, a throwback to the days when movie stars hung out at crime scenes instead of in spandex, and it’ll be more apparent next month with the launch of Clarice, a television spinoff of 1991’s The Silence of the Lambs. All the evidence points to only one conclusion: the serial killer thrillers of the ‘90s are back!

Not that we’re complaining. For a macabre minute or two, every Hollywood name appeared eager to play either the detective or the killer—the hunter or the obsessed, which often proved interchangeable for both characters. Granted that means there can be something formulaic about many of these movies. Yet they can also be bleak, hard-edged, and ambiguous. From our modern gaze, where the dominant studio conventions prefer reassuring morality tales and sunny lighting, these movies’ preference for shadows and discomfort in the mainstream is kind of startling.

So grab your magnifying glass and fortify your stomach, because we’re about to revisit some of the best (and worst) of ‘90s serial killer thrillers. (Also this list is strictly for the decade when the genre was at its height and it excludes slasher movies like Scream, which may feature serial killers but were not exactly adult-oriented thrillers.)

12. Eye of the Beholder (1999)

Eye of the Beholder is a tonal oddity that only passingly flirts with the conventions of ‘90s serial killer thrillers, all while it tries to pay homage to (read: rip-off) Alfred Hitchcock. But any credit it deserves for deviation—including making Ashley Judd’s central femme fatale the killer—it loses in execution. As a muddied, impenetrable tale about an intelligence officer (Ewan McGregor) who spies on and falls in love with a serial killer, Eye of the Beholder is a scattershot of bad ideas that run the gamut from ludicrous to misogynistic.

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but this movie will close the lids over your pupils inside of 30 minutes.

11. Nightwatch (1997)

It feels a little mean to rag on Ewan McGregor back-to-back, but maybe serial killer movies just aren’t his genre? That could be at least one takeaway from an ill-advised double feature of Eye of the Beholder and Nightwatch, the latter of which is a remake of a 1994 Danish film that I’ve not seen… and probably won’t since both the original film and American remake are directed by the same man.

McGregor plays medical student Martin here, a kid who gets an after school job by becoming the night watch security at the local morgue. But as a series of grisly prostitute murders pile up, Martin realizes he needs to figure out who the killer is—that or continue to be framed by the necrophiliac fiend who keeps coming by the morgue for one last liaison. It’s exactly as skeevy as it sounds. Do yourself a favor and go your whole life without hearing Nick Nolte sing “This Old Man” while climbing onto a corpse.

10. Natural Born Killers (1994)

The movie that Quentin Tarantino disowned, Natural Born Killers is a seedy mess based on a Tarantino script that was heavily rewritten by Oliver Stone, David Veloz, and Richard Rutowski. The concept itself is a seemingly inevitable escalation of the “bad romance outlaws” archetype that’s been floating around Hollywood since at least 1950’s Gun Crazy, and which was then made iconic by Bonnie & Clyde (1967).

But whereas those films relied on bank robbers living fast, Natural Born Killers descends into a seeming final form with Mickey and Mallory (Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis) as giddy serial killers who are eventually out for maximum carnage. Technically the pair are supposed to be presented as victims of traumatic child abuse—and who are then wrongfully glorified by the media. But Stone’s sloppy and tanked vision lacks the discipline to achieve anything beyond its maliciousness. Early sequences imagining Mallory’s abusive childhood like it’s a television sitcom, and later psychedelic visions of Robert Downey Jr.’s opportunistic news reporter as the Devil, do little to divorce the film from its shallow self-satisfaction in close-ups of heads being shot.

The movie came under controversy in the years after its release for inspiring alleged copycat killers as well as school shooters. It feels irresponsible to blame media for actual violence, but it’s still quite an indictment that Stone’s attempt to criticize media glorification became a favorite for many a disturbed individual with a gun.

9. Kiss the Girls (1997)

When studying competent, middle of the road Hollywood thrillers, Kiss the Girls is a solid place to start. As a decently made bit of studio convention, the movie is anchored by strong elements like Morgan Freeman as James Paterson’s literary hero, Alex Cross, and Ashley Judd as Kate, the victim who survives a masked killer’s attempt to abduct her into his harem.

Moments like Kate’s escape sequence through the North Carolina wilderness are effectively filled with adrenaline, and Judd particularly gives the salacious piece conviction. However, it is salacious to a fault. Even if the movie toned down the source novel’s even more lurid misogyny, the film studies Kate and the other victims with a lascivious male gaze, blurring sex with violence, real world horror with leering entertainment. Right down to its title, the film can be rightly criticized as Hollywood glamourizing another story about violence against women. Whether that damns the whole movie depends on the viewer, but it certainly keeps it low on our list.

8. The Bone Collector (1999)

Marketed with a hell of a tagline about there being thousands of taxi cabs in New York City that’ll get you home—and one that won’t—The Bone Collector is almost comically slavish to the clichés of ‘90s moviemaking. The wrinkle here is that after a faux cab driver begins abducting his victims off the street, the crime psychologist who must stop him is entirely stuck by his bedside. Due to a tragic accident, Denzel Washington’s Lincoln Rhyme is paralyzed from the neck down. Yet he is still able to catch serial killers by communicating in the earpiece of police officer Amelia Donaghy (an entirely unconvincing Angelina Jolie).

Read more

Movies

Lost Girls Review: Netflix Takes on the Long Island Serial Killer

By Rosie Fletcher

Books

The Last Book on the Left Takes on the Grim History of Serial Killers

By Alec Bojalad

Together the pair stay one step behind the mystery killer’s tracks as he executes a series of increasingly gruesome and ridiculous murders. It’s preposterous, and in some ways a forerunner for Saw with the satisfaction it takes in absurd death traps, but Washington is effortlessly compelling, even when he never leaves his apartment. As a bit of absurd Hollywood fluff, right down to the ultimately lackluster unmasking of the killer, it can be entertaining, even if you’ll deny it afterward.

7. Copycat (1995)

More potent than I remembered, Copycat is a genuinely well-crafted Hollywood thriller that may not reinvent the wheel but takes it out for a damn good spin. In the driver’s seat is Sigourney Weaver as Dr. Helen Hudson, a criminal psychologist who is an expert on serial killers until one follows her into the bathroom after a guest lecture. He nearly hangs her from the ceiling. Following that white-knuckled opening, the film jumps years ahead and Helen has become agoraphobic and afraid to leave her home.

Yet when a local series of murders reveal the pattern of a predator imitating the methods of his favorite “celebrities”—one crime scene is like the Boston Strangler and another emulates the horrors of Jeffrey Dahmer—Helen is pulled out of retirement by a no-nonsense detective (Holly Hunter). The winning chemistry between Weaver and Hunter—who are refreshingly free from the studio-mandated romantic subplots in some of the other movies on this list—and the blunt force power of their performances aid this sincerely disquieting flick. A needlessly convoluted third act aside, the movie still works as a warning about the danger of fanboys a generation early.

6. Fallen (1998)

Denzel Washington appears again thanks to this clever supernatural spin on the serial killer genre. At the beginning of Fallen, Washington’s John Hobbes appears on top of the world. The serial killer he chased for years (Elias Koteas) is about to breathe deeply in the gas chamber. Yet after the lever is pulled, and with Koteas singing the Rolling Stones’ “Time is On My Side” until his last breath, a funny thing happens: the murders continue.

In fact, more than just the killings, strangers in the street sing “Time is On My Side” in Hobbes’ ear, and he soon realizes that he faces a devil of a killer whose been operating since the beginning—quite literally since the villain is a demon who was once an angel that fell with Lucifer. It’s a bizarre premise given strutting confidence thanks to Washington’s performance, as well as good supporting work by John Goodman and Donald Sutherland. Twenty years later and its ending still sticks with me.

5. The Exorcist III (1990)

If you haven’t seen The Exorcist III, we know what you’re thinking: “Really?!” Yes. In fact, this isn’t even an exorcist movie; it should’ve been titled Legion like the 1983 novel it’s based on. Alas writer-director William Peter Blatty was forced to use the title and do reshoots that added an exorcism in the climax. Still, this supernatural thriller which involves a serial killer back from the dead is far better than it has any right to be.

Following the character of Lt. Kinderman from the 1973 masterpiece, the middle-aged gumshoe is now played by George C. Scott instead of the late Lee J. Cobb, and he possesses Scott’s usual love for contrasts between the restrained whisper and a bombastic howl. He also makes a sympathetic, secular detective forced to face the horrors of Hell when a series of murders committed against Catholic priests appear to be the work of the Gemini Killer (Brad Dourif), a serial killer whom Kinderman sent to the chair more than 10 years ago.

Read more

Movies

The Exorcist III is a Classic and Better Than You Remember

By Jim Knipfel

Movies

The Exorcist Is Still the Scariest Movie Ever Made

By David Crow

Somehow the fiend—plus Kinderman’s long dead pal Father Damien Karras (Jason Miller)—appear to now be living in the same body of a John Doe kept in a mental asylum. With an unrelenting atmosphere of dread, palpable tension, and more of Blatty’s intellectual struggle with concepts of faith and evil, the film is more high-minded than its hacky title suggests. It also features one of the best jump scares in movie history.

4. Summer of Sam (1999)

The only movie on this list directly based on an actual serial killer’s crimes, Spike Lee’s Summer of Sam is a serious-minded joint. However, it’s only partially about the murders perpetrated by David Berkowitz, aka the “.44 Caliber Killer,” aka the Son of Sam. Rather the film focuses on the effects a serial killer has on the culture of New York City during the sweltering summer of 1977, and how it affects young lives trying to make it in the big city.

Influenced by Lee and his co-writers Michael Imperioli and Victor Colicchio’s memories of growing up in 1970s New York, the pic is a love letter to a grim moment in history when the city was about to explode with murders, blackouts, crime, and disco. All of this is digested from the vantages of Vinny (John Leguizamo), a philandering hairdresser guilt-ridden for cheating on his wife (Mira Sorvino), and his childhood pal Ritchie (Adrien Brody), who’s left the old neighborhood behind to join the fledgling punk rock scene.

With a greater interest in how a serial killer affects the culture and institutions of a city on edge than being a traditional crime drama, Summer of Sam is a bit of a forerunner to David Fincher’s far more polished Zodiac from a few years later. With heavy-handed dialogue and a plot too big for Lee to fully get his arms around, even at 142 minutes, Summer of Sam can be uneven and messy. But it has the sweaty incorrigibility of a long night out, and of revelries half remembered like from a fever dream.

3. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

The rare serial killer movie told entirely from the perspective of the killer, Anthony Minghella’s The Talented Mr. Ripley is disarmingly creepy. Despite its glossy awards bait sheen, there is a cold-blooded streak that runs deep to the heart of the piece, likely due to Patricia Highsmith’s source 1955 novel. Starring Matt Damon fresh off his Good Will Hunting golden boy sheen, the film uses its casting to disorient and ultimately disturb.

Like Highsmith’s book, the film is not structured like a traditional thriller. It instead favors a detached ambivalence about its seemingly nebbish hero as he agrees to become an errand boy for the rich by traveling to 1950s Italy in order to retrieve a silver spoon cad (Jude Law) for his father. But the more time Tom Ripley (Damon) spends with Law’s Dickie Greenleaf, the more he grows envious of Dickie’s lifestyle, his wealth and confidence, and maybe even his affection for socialite Marge (Gwyneth Paltrow). There is a subtle—too subtle due to ‘90s Hollywood conventions—homoerotic undercurrent throughout the film as Ripley slowly works up the courage to take his first life. It won’t be his last.

Read more

Movies

Knives Out: When Murder Makes You a Better Person

By Natalie Zutter

Movies

Seven: The Brilliance of David Fincher’s Chase Scene

By Ryan Lambie

Highsmith wound up publishing four subsequent sequels to The Talented Mr. Ripley, but unfortunately no more were made with Damon. Perhaps because this was too unsettling for an ongoing franchise.

2. Seven (1995)

While watching David Fincher’s masterful Seven, the thing that immediately stands out is the oppressive nihilism that permeates throughout. There were decades of neo noir before this detective yarn about the hunt for a serial killer, but none demonstrated such an overbearing sense of despair before the opening credits were even concluded. And perhaps what makes it unshakable is how welcoming the film is toward bleakness; it succumbs long before the gut-punch finale.

Telling the story of an old cop days from retirement (Morgan Freeman) and a hotheaded rookie detective (Brad Pitt), Andrew Kevin Walker’s script has an economy of pace that still impresses despite its cynicism. Very quickly one murder becomes two, then three, and soon four. Yet none of the atrocities are reveled in by Fincher’s blocking; they’re off-screen mutilations which leave psychic damage on his two leads and, eventually, us. The deaths also quickly establish a pattern that their serial killer is targeting seven souls, each intended to embody one of the seven deadly sins.

The movie is a classic now for its climax where the killer “John Doe” (a reptilian Kevin Spacey) turns himself in and leads the cops into the darkest pit, but it’s the entire package that makes this one linger more than 25 years later. At the end of the film, Somerset quotes Hemingway by saying, “‘The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.’ I agree with the second part.” I’m not convinced his film does.

1. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

As the film that kick-started the idea that serial killers could create their own film genre, The Silence of the Lambs still remains the best of its kind. Blessedly unaware that it was creating conventions for countless copycats, the film tells its psychological drama with simplicity and clarity. Whereas other films on this list bask in their bleakness, there is a dogged optimism and even perverse warmth to this Jonathan Demme adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Silence of the Lambs novel. And that’s of course largely attributable to the casting of Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster.

As Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Hopkins is of course monumental. It’s a performance that turned a quinquagenarian into an overnight movie star, and became Hopkins’ calling card as he returned to the not-so-good doctor’s well one too many times. Still, he’s undeniably enthralling as Hannibal, a cannibal psychologist with superhuman powers of observation and mental menace. Even so, Foster is often overlooked by critics for her own contributions as the FBI trainee who’s proverbially fed to the incarcerated Lecter—a pretty face to get the serial killer to consult pro bono on the crimes of another mass murderer. It’s just one more example of casual sexism faced by Clarice that gives Foster as much to play as Hopkins.

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Culture

David Fincher’s Zodiac: The Movie That Never Ended

By Don Kaye

Movies

The Little Things Ending Explained

By David Crow

Surrounded by the slights and prejudices of men—be they in law enforcement or straight jackets—Clarice is constantly underestimated. She finds an intellectual rapport with Hannibal, but she pulls herself out of the darkest night, and the screaming of the lambs, without assistance. Her perseverance matched by Hannibal’s darkly seductive qualities is the juxtaposition that makes Silence of the Lambs one of the finest films of its decade.

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The post Best Serial Killer Movies of the ’90s Ranked appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[johannesviii]

So I guess I’m hyperfixating on Death Stranding at the moment

And since I’ve finally finished the story after playing it for like 100 hours over the course of seven months or so I guess I have Opinions(tm) about things I didn’t like in the game

They’re eating at my brain so I’m gonna put them all in a single post to get them out of my system once and for all so I can enjoy the rest in peace

Spoilers, obviously

Hi welcome back to ‘Johannes is obsessing over yet another video game with horror elements in it’! I guess!!

Our latest entry in that category was Until Dawn but since UD can be played in like 6/7 hours and I spent 100 hours of my life on DS, as you can guess we’re talking about a full-blown hyperfixation, the kind that physically hurts because I can’t focus on anything else even after having finished the storyline

But it was super gradual. Again, seven months. I barely made any progress from December to May because I was only doing side-deliveries at the beginning of Chapter 3 instead of... you know... advancing the plot. It became an honest-to-god special interest about two months ago, then 6 days ago while playing chapter 10 it reached hyperfixation levels and now I am in PAIN

I hate my brain

Anyhow

At first I wanted to list the good and the bad hings in it but there’s too many good things to list them all in full, excruciatingly long details, so

Very Quick And Very Incomplete List Of Good Things That I Love

It’s a post-apo game based on travel, logistics, and good will, and it straight up goes AGAINST the whole ‘survival of the fittest’ trope that SO MANY post-apo things try to push!! YES

I insist but it’s built on helping each other and keeping everyone alive, seriously that is my shit right there!

The online community is wholesome?? People leave stuff everywhere, you never see anyone but people put little helpful signs and send you likes, and in my game we almost managed to repair all the roads together

There’s so many new & strange allergies and disabilities and phobias in this post-apo world and? nobody is trying to ““fix”“ anyone?? Like Heartman with his padded floor and his little box that brings him back to life constantly. He’s just... living like that. Nobody’s going “hey maybe you should get another heart operation buddy”

The hero and his phobia of being touched. I. Loved. That. The quiet scenes when he was just talking with Fragile, sitting next to her. In any other context this would just be two people sitting next to each other and talking but it always feels so soft and intimate everytime he allows another human being to just. be next to him. I love it. I love them

Everyone crying constantly because of chiral allergy!!

I loved all the important characters bar one (Bridget/Amelie)!

Why is this walking simulator so enjoyable why am I enjoying the fact that holding L2 + R2 while walking feels like holding your backpack and that you have to relax at times just like you’d have to if you were actually holding a backpack

Seriously. Why

The atmosphere was so great, the music was fantastic and the visuals were on point. A E S T H E T I C

The ghosts!! The giant Beached Things!!! Chiral crystals look! like! creepy hands reaching for the SKY!!

THE RAIN DESTROYS THINGS AND KILLS PEOPLE BY ACCELERATING TIME THIS IS SO COOL SHUT UP

Everytime the game got surreal it was electrifying

THE SURREAL WAR SCENES ON CLIFF’S BEACH

Everyone is using emojis

There’s guys addicted to delivering packages in that game and they’re trying to steal our stuff and we’re like “haha they’re dumb” but we’re basically addicted to delivering packages as the player. So yeah that was pretty fun

Terrorists thinking humanity isn’t going extinct fast enough and wanting to just rip the bandaid and speed things up. Simple but effective concept

People ask for SUPER VITAL ITEMS right next to completely trivial stuff and I’m LIVING for it. “Please fetch my toy dinosaur”. I feel you dude

The most isolated characters are like "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS THING I LIKE" in your emails because they haven't had contact with other humans in years, it's super relatable

There’s a farm where people use the fact that Timefall rain accelerates time to grow food super quickly in one (1) Timefall and harvest everything just before it starts to die and I LOVE that detail of worldbuilding so much

YOU’RE FIGHTING BEACHED THINGS WITH YOUR OWN BODILY FLUIDS IT’S SO STUPID BUT ALSO SO COOL?? I love yeet-ing my own blood at eldritch entities

THE T W I S T S

All the fanservice (bar one detail that I’m gonna complain about later) is on dudes. This game reeeeeeally likes to show dudes naked or somewhat naked. Mostly the main character but this mocap also L O V E S Mads Mikkelsen and there’s a shit ton of homoerotic shots in there

I love Sam the antisocial papa wolf delivery man and if someone touches him or his baby again, I will cry

LOU. LOU LOU LOU PRECIOUS BABY I’D DIE FOR YOU. Wait I did

I love Fragile and how brave she is and how she keeps helping people even if most of them wrongly think she’s a terrorist and yes I will eat this cryptobiote thank you

I love soft science boi Heartman who keeps dying again and again and is a bit too much interested in bodily fluids

I love garbage man Higgs and how complex, funny and still somewhat tragic this memelord actually turned out to be in the end

Seriously I want to stop fixating on this character but you can’t give me YET ANOTHER character who wants to die but at the hands of someone else, that is unfair to do that right after my fixation on the new Doctor Who Master

So yeah Higgs is yet another character who makes me want to grab him by the lapels and shake him and yell WHY! ARE! YOU! LIKE! THIS! STOP! BEING! LIKE! THIS!!

Cliff broke all three of my feelings beautifully and in excruciatingly well-acted scenes that transcended the sometimes lackluster dialogue

John made me cry during That Scene

Mama your background was tragic and terrifying and you didn’t deserve any of this shit and I love you

Deadman was more funny than anything, really, but I still liked him even if he had no sense of personal space whatsoever and it clashed horribly with Sam’s phobias

The ending had some sad parts but was mostly positive, thank goodness

Now I’m gonna explain things I dislike and this looks long but it’s actually only 5 main things so I bolded them to avoid confusion

Things I really disliked (and could have been handled wayyyy better)

We all know it but Kojima isn’t a master of subtlety and some parts of the dialogue kept repeating the same informations again and again AND AGAIN and I was like “ok ok I get it”

The dialogue can be so bad at times seriously

Kojima is a bad writer there I said it

It was particularly annoying with Amelie/Bridget and the fact she’s a horrible person trying (and failing) to justify her actions wasn’t helping

Bridges protocols are incredibly intrusive. All of them. I know it’s framed as bad and Sam hates being spied on all the time and in the end he destroys the device that does that, but I wish someone else would openly criticise it in-game

I guess Deadman sort of did but still

Also I know the whole BB technology was Bridget’s idea, and since she’s the actual villain it’s framed as a twisted, evil thing during the ending, but I wish that had been framed like that much earlier ; a lot of Bridges employees just... seem to accept the idea that their employer is using premature babies and their dead mothers as useful, if disturbing, devices. They seem to justify it by “uh we stole that technology from terrorists” to try to cope with the idea but... yeah.

I mean, one of the points being made very early on is that Sam sees his BB as his child who must be protected at all costs instead of a detection device, but I really wish he wasn’t the only one to object to that thing

Again, the game DOES frame "using babies and their dead mothers as tools” as evil and twisted, I just wish it was given a lot more weight and way sooner

Now let’s talk about the Token Straight(tm) in this game

In any other kind of context it would be a joke! But Death Stranding literally has a Token Straight Guy!

I mean, there IS a few hetero couples among the Preppers. Not a lot, mind you. Like, there’s the Montaineer and his wife for instance. But they’re just there and it’s not what their side plot is about

No I’m talking about this piece of shit right there

This f█cking Junk Dealer guy complains the girl he loves is dead because of Bridges and emotionally blackmails us by sending us old holograms of her before her supposed death (somewhat disturbing holograms too because she looks... pretty young in them), then he sends us on what’s essentially a suicide mission in a BT infested zone, THEN when we give him proof she’s still alive and living in another bunker nearby, he won’t go there himself to check??

But SHE’s like “ok, bring me to him, then!”

He doesn’t deserve you, girl

I’ve already seen several people pointing out that carrying a woman as cargo on your back is... debatable at best and sexist at worst, but that part didn’t really bother me to be honest? She asked to be carried to him and it’s her choice. She was talking to us the entire way too, so that made things a lot less awkward. Also Sam has this phobia of being touched by other people so I bet carrying another human being on his back isn’t fun for him. It was also super stressful to do, to be honest.

And then there’s this EXTREMELY AWKWARD scene when they’re reunited and decide to get married, and thankfully Sam finds it just as awkward as we do because he’s standing super far away from the bunker in a “can’t they talk about this later - I’m right there” way. And I’m under the impression it was intended as cringy, in a “yeppp young people in love are Like That” sort of way, so I can accept that, to be honest. If you don’t take that scene seriously, it’s pretty fun in, again, a cringy sort of way

BUT

Then you receive more emails later and this piece of shit guy complains about her and he’s like “ugh WOMEN” or “marriage is the worst” and they end up divorced in record time and she goes back to her bunker

Which isn’t my problem with this subplot either, I promise I’m gonna explain myself eventually but this context is important. It’s okay to have characters who are pieces of shit like this guy who reeks of incel cologne. It’s alright. Not every character has to be a role-model. It’s good to have characters you can hate.

BUT THEN they get back together later to try to patch things up and you learn he was part of a gang who murdered her parents even though he protected her against the rest of the gang and that’s what I hated about that storyline. I guess if you squint it can be read as “this woman is making REALLY BAD life choices” but I read it as “he saved her so she owes him something, he can’t be entirely bad” and y i k e s this left such a bad taste in my mouth, good lord.

But yeah miss Chiral Artist you’re making really bad life choices please get away from this dude as soon as you can, thank you

Also don’t do this ‘sending Likes’ pose ever again, it was hilarious but also you made me use the word “cringy” several times in this paragraph even though I absolutely hate cringe culture, look what you made me do

Now I have to talk about a scene that was intentionally disturbing as hell but ONE (1) detail in it was disturbing for the wrong reasons

To be honest, I really don’t like the Metal Gear Solid games and one of the reasons is the rampant sexism in them so I... was kind of bracing myself for Death Stranding and expecting it to have at least SOME really bad fanservice with a woman at one point or another but to my surprise?? There was none? All the fanservice is on dudes??? Hello? I really liked that (well at some point Fragile takes a shower in our room but we see literally nothing except her shoulder and then Sam looks away)?? What a refreshing change

THAT BEING SAID

And if you played the game you know exactly what I’m about to talk about

Yep this is the part where Johannes complains about how the bomb flashback was shot

Ok so I guess I should also give some context in case someone is reading this but hasn’t played the game, but the deal with this scene is that our friend Fragile was betrayed by her colleague Higgs who used to be a porter but became a terrorist after meeting the “main“ villain of the game. First he secretly put a thermonuclear bomb in one of her deliveries so she’d nuke an entire city without even knowing it, and everyone after that thought she was a terrorist. And then he tried to do that shit A SECOND TIME, but she noticed and decided to toss the second nuke into a bottomless lake of tar. But he caught her just before she reached the lake and he decided to give her a sadistic choice, which was “teleport away and the bomb stays there and nukes the city, or carry it to the lake but only in your underwear under this rain that speeds up time and it will do enormous damage to your health and your body”

And of course being the hero she is, she decides to take the second option

And it’s an incredibly disturbing scene and it’s genuinely hard to watch

But it’s also the ONLY time a woman is in her underwear in this entire game and there’s A COUPLE of shots that were male-gaze-y at the beginning before she started to run and the really horrific part started.

So in a way I guess it could have been worse? way worse, even

But it still tarnishes an otherwise disturbing (and harrowing at times ; seriously I know I’m oversensitive but it was physically painful to watch) scene with unnecessary shots

We know Fragile had a young body before this happened, this isn’t the point of this scene, guys

Whoever decided to keep these shots (probably Kojima let’s face it), that is bad and you should feel bad

Idk how to do a visual transition for that next one because I do not want to screen that memo

So here’s a screenshot with a nice landscape instead

tw: acephobia

Now I have to talk about something I like the GENERAL IDEA of, but not how the IN-GAME MATERIAL ABOUT IT was written

Because I have to talk about that “asexual world” memo

First I have to say that I absolutely love the fact that a mainstream game openly says in-game “this future is full of asexual people" and?? it’s just that, it’s a part of this world. That’s just how things are. It’s normalised. I love it. For crying out loud this memo has the word demisexual in it. I can’t think of any other mainstream game that had this word in it so far.

It should have stopped there and let me enjoy that in peace but it didn’t

THE MEMO ITSELF WAS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE CONCEPTS and there’s some really bad stuff there. I’d say it’s accidental acephobia but it’s still there. I’m not the best person to talk about this because I’m bi, but it still rubbed me the wrong way

The words this memo uses near the beginning are “"sexless lifestyle” among young people” and yikes, my dude. “Lifestyle”, uh? Really?

And then it goes on about how these new labels were already more and more common “among young people before the Death Stranding” and it also rubs me the wrong way, in a “wow young people and their weird labels lol” sort of queerphobic way?

However I’ve seen a post pointing out that the line “One theory posits that the Stranding accelerated the proliferation of these sexualities” was maybe a way of saying ‘yo asexuals are causing the end of the world’ but... I don’t see it, tbh? In the context of the game, society is extremely divided and a lot of people live in complete isolation and social norms have heavily shifted and it’s kind of normal that there’s queer people visible everywhere now, aces included obviously, because nobody’s bothering to hide it anymore. It’s a post-apocalyptic world! People are just being themselves! A lot of characters also seem to be bi/pan! They’re just vibing ok

At least that’s how I read that part, I can understand if someone had a problem with that bit but I didn’t

BUT! THAT’S NOT ALL because the memo concludes (I’m paraphrasing) “the birth rate has dropped, which might be a problem, but harassment and assault have also dropped, which is good, so idk it’s 50/50″ and. like. I get the intention. But it’s clumsy as hell and very bad. Please don’t confuse abuse of power and attraction. They don’t go hand in hand. Don’t do that. Please. And you know that aces can have kids if they want to, right. Come on. It’s 2020 my dude. This shit is harmful

Also. Like. It’s the end of the world in this game. People don’t want kids. It... has nothing to do with aces. Reality itself is crashing down. People are reluctant to have kids because reality.exe might f█cking crash down at any given moment!

Or a Beached Thing could VoidOut their city!

Or someone might send them a nuke, not naming names!!

Anyway!!!

It’s really badly written and whoever wrote it should educate themselves and maybe get an ace to re-read their stuff next time??

Again I’m not the right person to talk about acephobia and I bet an actual ace would have plenty more to say about this

Thankfully it’s a memo written in-game by a random Bridges councellor and NOT by any important character that we actually know

"I must preempt myself by admitting that I do not have any empirical data" yeah so, f█ck off maybe

So I’m just gonna call that guy “another piece of shit character” but it still doesn’t excuse the fact that the memo was written by someone who thought it was a good idea to put it in the game

Just let me enjoy my super queer post-apo world in peace and don’t write shit like that in your game thank you and goodbye

Minor stuff I also disliked but it wasn’t as awful

I get that Sam is upset at the end because Lou is dying but the way he said goodbye to Fragile broke my heart. It was abrupt and you KNOW he’s upset and wants to have nothing to do with Bridges anymore and that’s very understandable but it isn’t her fault

Seriously I want them to be friends again

I’m gonna pretend they’re friends again after Lou is saved and that Sam is a freelance porter again and sometimes their paths cross and they just talk together in the middle of nowhere and share cryptobiotes

The pacing is weird, there’s this deluge of plot in the beginning and the end but not much in the middle?

The BT boss fights could have been these epic Shadow of the Colossus showdowns but no, they were relatively standard boss fights. Wasted opportunity

The running on the Beach scene sdfghjhgfdsdfghjhgf that was... dumb

A lot of preppers are interesting in one way or another but some are just boring. Also I wish the design of their bunkers was more varied

Amelie/Bridget’s motivations are all over the place, both creating Bridges AND the Demens is... a lot? I know she both WANTS and DOESN’T want the actual, final end of the world to happen but that is a lot to take in and it’s all very confusing

Who the hell cares about ‘rebuilding America’ I just want to build a network where people can help each other

The ‘likes’ are fun but don’t make much sense

In conclusion

Death Stranding Good

Some stuff Bad

Some stuff Very Bad (but it’s just one memo out of 100+ memos, thank god)

I’m still hyperfixating

Send help

[wandaposting]

if you were to write an "all/mostly-female" avengers book (not an a-force one) similar to the x-men run from 2013-2015, which a-girls/boy would you choose to be on the team, and who would be the antagonist/s.

what is your opinion on kurenai, ino, tenten and tsunade? and who do you think was the most developed female character on naruto? and the one who got the better writing overall by the end of the manga?

i would make sure i had the story for it without relying on #girlboss bait. i would tell the story i wanted to tell without explicit consideration that it happens to be mostly female. i would want to frame a more concrete collegial relationship between, say, wanda and illyana (it would be Cool if they had a relationship like natasha and yelena i say like yelenat haven't had a bunch different types of relationships across a bunch of writers, but that's the fun of it!!). but off the top of my head, i would want wanda, illyana, janet, and any combination of carol/monica/natasha/jean/rogue/strange/steve would hit the spot

i really liked jim zub's story beats and character moments in avengers: no road home, u know the one with nyx, so it would be something to that vein

since i'm bias, it would feature chthon as the big bad

for the nart question------

i'm ignoring fillers because i feel like they went a long way trying to develop these characters while being,,, filler

kurenai: was cool conceptually until she was reduced to "lol she tried to use genjutsu on itachi" and "does absolutely nothing waiting for asuma/shikamaru to come back with results" deserves better

ino: has the best arc and development out of everyone you mentioned! i don't understand why she inexplicably wept for sasuke during summit arc and she doesn't do much earlier on, but she played a key role during the war arc AS HER FATHER DIED

tenten: no it's [checks clock] 11:40. (deserves better)

tsunade: very good. i feel like she could have been utilized more as an asskicking force during the pain invasion (she's literally one punch woman and they had her sitting around healing people, which i understand, for all of it but i just FEEL... (and sakura suffered from this too)), but her work in the five kage vs madara sequences were hype

but yeah probably ino, tsunade, temari, and konan came out the most unscathed from kishimoto's lackluster female writing from a narrative standpoint

i'd mention later entries like mei or karui but they were introduced so late that i don't have a well rounded impression of them beyond "cool girlboss has cool moment(s)"

[definitelynottony]

Let yourself go Wild [Ch.1 Feral & Unhinged]

[also on Ao3] [other info] [Song recommendations ch.1: NIN- ‘The hand that feeds’& Zayde Wolf- ‘Animal’

Billy Hargrove knew that moving to this small town in the Middle of Nowhere Indiana was going to be a trap. He knew it was going to be the same cage with a different view. Masked by pretty words of "trees everywhere", "forests for miles" and "you'll be able to run till you're crawling back home." And Billy could taste the animosity that dripped from those words as his father preached them to the family. Family, not pack.

And sure, to the beast inside his bones it sounded like paradise. He was a Lykos after all, more wolf than human; born to run free. But he was also born to lead, to be in a pack; neither of those things we're being promised with this move. Nobody seemed happy about it, and why would they? To leave warm sunny California to move to Indiana! To trade Cuyamaca Rancho for 'Hawkins Woods' didn't seem like a fair trade whatsoever.

Needless to say what really encouraged this move was that the pack all but shunned Neil for marrying a mundane; telling her, her daughter what they were...Billy didn't have a chance to distance himself from the ordeal before Neil was packing his bags for him. Billy left his pack, his friends, his grandmother, his legacy to be Alpha for fuckin Hawkins!

If the primordial wolf didn't already run through his veins then anger would be the name of the beast. And it poured from him, anger, longing and loneliness. If his 'family' wasn't afraid of him before they sure as hell were now after this move. Susan especially, not that Billy would ever hurt her or Max; but the wolf scared her as much as Neil's rage did.

Max still has that naive curiosity; envy. She use to love to watch Billy's eyes shift, stalk him to the woods to watch him. Sometimes Billy would take her, let her camp out with him. Keep her safe if the forest with him like feral children. Billy would give her the gene if he could, she, anyone, deserved the blood more than Neil did.

But they moved despite the protests. Billy had a duffel bag filled with his clothes, records, books, some personal fixings; his mother's Apollo medallion around his neck and his Camaro to the pavement. 2,049.9 miles later they arrived to their new home. It was on a dead end road named Dearborn. Pretty ironic, Billy had to wonder if his father did it on purpose.

Well, it didn't really matter in all honesty. His father did him the smallest courtesy he could probably throw his way by moving them during Summer Break. Billy could make the woods his home before having to attend this new high school. Get some of the bitterness and aggression out during the humid heat of an Indiana summer.

And the blonde did. He spent two solid weeks in those woods completely ruthless to the Hawkins wildlife. He laid down trails and marked his property lines. And in those first two months of moving there; in the peak of the summer flourish, Billy lost himself in the wild. Only reality in the shape of his father's fists dragged him back to the cage he knew was waiting for him all along.

Max seemed to adjust to living in the small town fairly quickly. She rode her skateboard around the town when Billy was lost in paradise. She showed him where everything was when Neil dragged him out of it. The Camaro made more of an impression then a red head on a skateboard did.

Then came school, the Indian summer was a life saver for the wolf. Where the night still held onto the light a little longer. If there was an ocean near by it wouldn't have been half bad. And then there were new people to meet, people that took one look at the wolf, and his more than shoulder length blonde curls that he grew out during those two months in and out of the woods. Looked at the scruff on his face, the tourmaline blue of his eyes, the smell of cigarettes, dirt, and expensive cologne to mask the feral radiating off of him. And they knew 'trouble' just made its home in the little sleepy town.

And they had no idea---cause new smells and new faces always makes the wolf stand on guard. But the easiness of becoming the Alpha of this place was almost lackluster. Said for basketball, which Max had some choice words for. Something along the line of "have you seen 'teen wolf'?" which Billy responded to with a middle finger.

Basketball was a sweet release of the same adrenaline he wasn't getting. As long as he stayed in control, only use a little more speed than the others, a little more muscle. He could handle the smell of sweat dripping off bodies, ignore the rush of chasing them up and down the court; keep his teeth dull as he pushes this former king around. Yeah, easy shit.

And then five months had gone by and Billy had only stepped into those woods once since the Leo sun set. The cold bite of November entered quickly and this is the Hargrove's first winter. And it was already a bitch. Max started to hang out more and more with these nerdy kids. Pushing Billy to his limits of sniffing out her whereabouts one too many times. Nearly got into it with King Steve last month at a Halloween party. Who, of course, is this pack of brats official babysitter or something.

And Neil was on Billy's ass about all of it, like he was supposed to be his step sister's keeper. If she wanted to run around with a bunch of creepy kids what was it to him? He had his own issues he was dealing with! Which he dealt with by working out, messin' around with as many people he could and parties. Hey, if Neil insisted on caging the wolf then the wolf needed another outlet.

Until that outlet became King Steve Harrington's face.

"That you Harrington?"

"Yeah it's me, don't cream your pants."

Billy could smell the situation before he opened his mouth. He could smell the kids inside, their bodies emanated with fear and anxiety. He could smell the bravado, the slight anxiety, excitement and adrenaline that leaked off of Steve. That was a pretty good scent the blonde hat to admit. Some people's pheromones just worked for the wolf.

"Where is she Harrington?"

"Who?"

"Max, who do you think."

"Don't know. Haven't seen her. She's not home?"

"If she was home do you really think I would have driven all the way out here? Come on pretty boy. I know you ain't that stupid."

"I seriously don't know man!"

"Uh-huh. Then who's that?"

"Shit."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. MAX! GET YUR ASS OUT HERE!" Billy roared from outside the Byers house.

"Billy knock it off! I'll bring her home. Just leave."

"No, I don't think so Harrington. I have ta get her back pronto and that SHITBIRD knows it!"

Billy could hear Max squirming around inside, he swore he would never hurt her, but he didn't promise shit about the kids she was runnin’ with.

"Outta my way Harrington!"

Billy growled shoving Steve to the ground. Two stepping into the Byers house. Slamming the door wide open, almost taking it off the hinges; the kids all huddled together.

"Max. Car. Now!"

His teeth were starting to point, Max knew not to get Billy like this. She knew and yet she pushed him to this point. Which just set him off even more.

"Billy back off!"

Steve followed behind. And when Billy lunged for Sinclair, one last stitch effort to try and get Max to comply; Steve was grabbing him. That's when Billy saw red. It has been three months of the wolf in him lying in wait. And Steve Harrington pulling on his arm, shoving him, sending a fist to his face, was what opened the cage.

And then there was blood, and Billy's teeth were sharp, and his eye, well there was no way they were still blue. And Billy remembers shouting "there he is, all hail King Steve" voice like gravel; more growl then human. Remembers the sound of glass and what he vividly remembers is wrestling Harrington to the floor. Pinning him, the smell of blood and sweat and adrenaline. It was so fuckin' delicious, so goddamn enticing to the beast. He wanted to just rip into his neck, taste it, him. Billy felt it, felt himself slipping, giving way to the shift. He wanted it so bad, to just let it out.

That's when he felt the needle. Aconite, straight to the bloodstream. Max knew what she was doing, Billy taught her this back in California to make sure she'd always be safe with him. He just never thought it would hurt that much. It was like his blood was on fire and not in a good way; he was choking, clawing at his throat, gasping for air. And Max was yelling and he couldn't hear her. Then he blacked out.

Now it's a week till Christmas and blood dripped down Billy's brow. Neil shaking his fist out from just punching him. Their pack crest ring on Neil’s middle finger is what broke the skin.

"You listen boy, this family is your only pack whether you like it or not William! I'm your father! Your alpha and I deserve respect dammit!"

Billy sneered at that, lip curled, nostrils flared. His teeth growing sharp and he felt a growl in the back of his throat wanting to escape.

"This isn't a pack! None of you know what I'm going through! You're not even one of us! You're not my alpha! At least in California I had Grams to get me through all this bullshit! You don’t deserve that ring..."

Billy could feel the change coming on. The angrier he got the more it wanted to over take him, the more he wanted it to over take him. He hasn't been able to shift in four months. It wasn't natural, it made him feel horrible and trapped. Caged up. That's exactly what Neil was doing. Caging Billy in cause if he couldn't turn then Billy shouldn't either.

Talking back usually would get Billy a smack to the face or a shove to the wall. A punch to the gut if Neil was in a bad mood, but then again this was the first time Billy had bit out such rebellion. Billy wasn't sure if it was the 'you're not my alpha', or 'your not of of us', that did Neil in this time. Billy knew that the latter was the biggest regret of Neil's life and he didn't even have control over it.

The gene occasionally skips generations. In the myths it was said because the "gift" would be wasted on them or cause destruction to their kind. Whatever the reason it skipped Neil, he took all that range and tortured Billy with it. Like it was his fault. Cause he was born with the gift of old gods and Neil wasn't worthy enough for it.

So yeah, Billy spitting out those words to Neil was probably the stupidest thing he's done since he and his buddies went hunting without the rest of the pack back in the California desert. One of the first laws Billy had to learn the hard way, 'hunt with the pack, or not at all."

It didn't register to the blonde at first, the shock kept the pain at bay, until it didn't. And then the pain seeped in. Aconite, better known as Wolfsbane. Billy knew that sting, that burn. He felt it last month when Max dug it into him. It was something every wolf had to be exposed to from a young age. So they'd know it when they felt it. Of course, Neil just so happened to keep a pocket knife seeped in it on hand in case Billy ever got too out of hand for his liking. It’s the only way he’d be able to combat the animal in Billy, his strength alone isn’t enough; not anymore at least.  

Then there was blood, and blood made Billy's eye shift. Always, it was one of the only parts of the wolf Billy couldn't control. Fresh blood filled his nostrils, his blood. He could feel it, the warmth of it pooling out of his chest, running down his sun kissed body. It was going to ruin his shirt and that kind of pissed him off more then pain did.

"Maybe next time you'll be more attentive while I'm speaking to you."

"There won't be a next time!"

Billy snarled, clinging to his open wound, unsuccessfully trying to stop the bleeding. With a growl, he took off, past his father, past the kitchen, past the living room with Max clinging to her mother; and then out the front door.

He ran, ran so fast and pushed so hard, “Just gotta make it to the woods” he panted the mantra to lull the animal inside howlin’, clawing to come out. To be released, finally. They’ve moved to the forest town six damn months ago almost to the day, Billy knows because the full moon was coming soon. He could feel it, he kept track of it. If the only reason they moved to Indiana was so Billy would have nothing but forest to run in, to hunt in, to be feral and unhinged; why has it been so long since he's ran. It was because Neil knew Billy was next choice to be Alpha and he’d rather die than take orders from his own son.

It was because Neil couldn't keep his trap shut to the humans; because he was more human than wolf. He masked the move with ideas of grandeur; middle of nowhere, nothing but open spaces. But the parts he left out were the parts Billy clung to, open space meant isolation, moving meant leaving his pack, it meant that he wouldn’t be alpha, he’ll have to stay under Neil’s thumb until---

And his thoughts kept building and turning like the pacific waves, until finally he reached the Hawkin’s forest line. Just seeing the treeline, smelling the wet earth, the pine and moss; the blonde only made it twelve feet in before he had to stop. The shift was coming on too strong for him to go any further. So he stripped, slinking off his denim jacket and the bloodied white button up. Shook out of his jeans and his boots, feeling his skin prickling; felt his eyes shift and his nails elongate. His mother’s necklace was the last thing to leave his body before he balled everything up tucking it down by a fallen tree.

He stripped his mind of all the humanity that the wolf was running from. He let it go in one breath and then at last the wolf took over, then he took off, sprinting into the trees; the heavy musk of dirt and moss under his feet encircled him. The wet frozen air, the decomposing bark, the pine and winter bare branches brushing against his skin. All of it, every ounce of the wilderness was home to him; because he was wild. All it took to shift was one jump, a leap of faith, giving yourself completely over to the animal inside. 

Letting go of your human bonds in trade for ancestral instinct. In one lunge, one pounce into the air, Billy was encapsulated by the change and when he landed, it was on all fours. Bright ocean eyes became golden ones that saw the lightest leaf move against the forest ground. Coated with thick, tony, red and russet fur, and the wolf shook out his burly coat. He stretched slowly. Enjoying the ecstasy of every muscle finally being able to bend in the ways they’re meant to.

And he howled and it felt better than breathing. In all the pleasure Billy almost forgot the pain, but then he remembered when there was no response. No call back from his pack, nothing, and then his cries of bliss became those of loneliness. Wolves aren’t meant to be alone. Wolves that separated from the pack, well they either started their own pack or they died. And neither of those were to be an option for the young beast.

But he pushed it down. Some place deep where his human emotions got tucked away because they only interrupted the experience. His paws dug deep into the frozen ground kicking up the powder as he ran. Birds rustled over head, squirrels, and rabbits scattered in all directions. Deer, Billy could smell his prey not too far from him, his mouth salivated as he came up upon the creature picking away at the last hopes of fall's harvest. And the wolf's mouth curled back baring fangs and he kneaded into the dirt; watching the doe.

Then his instincts lunged him through the brush, teeth ripped through flesh and fur, and for once in the past four months the wolf felt whole again. As blood soaked maw tore and trashed and growled until his hunger subsided; then the beast trotted off to find shelter. The Hargrove house was not home, and it wasn't an option; but Billy could smell smoke, ash, a fire? He didn't know how far into the woods he'd gone but there probably wasn't a residential area for a couple miles now.

Must be a camp site or something, either way the wolf had to steer clear; wolves weren't native to Indiana and the last thing Billy needed was animal control on his tail. So he hunkered down between hallowed trees. With nightfall no one would be in the woods anyways. And with the wind shift it brought more snow and the wolf has never known snow against his fur but it felt refreshing; the cold against the heat of his wound which started to heal as soon as he shifted. Then the satiated beast fell asleep with the promise that he'll be able to do it all over again tomorrow.

[canonicallysoulmates]

I’ve had some thoughts swirling around in my head for a while now regarding the first half of season 15 and what my feelings are about the series ending now that we have started the final season so before we enter into the second half of s15 I wanted to put those thoughts into this brain dump post. I’ve tried to my best to make everything cohesive and coherent and just make everything flow but this is as I said a brain dump so I apologize if this is all over the place. All opinions are my own and mine only, you might not agree with what I say, I might say some unpopular things just know I speak only for myself I don’t pretend to speak for you so if you have a different POV that is ok. And if you’re enjoying the 15th season that is ok too.

I hope that the second half of season 15 is better than the first half cause quite frankly the first half is disappointing as a season in general and as a final season it’s...frustrating.  It’s frustrating and sad and disappointing to see how not even it being the final season can make the writers care. Because I don’t believe for one second that any of the writers in that writers room or that Andrew Dabb and Robert Singer give a fuck about this show, God himself would have to come from the heavens and tell me to my face that Dabb&co. care about this show for me to even consider the possibility. 

This is it. This is the end. There is no season 16. There are no new episodes in Fall 2020. It’s the end of the line. It’s the end of the road. And I understand that for some this fact alone is enough to make them gloss over or forgive the flaws or make them more apprehensive of criticizing the show and the writers because after this there is no more and hey something is better than nothing...right? no. Not to me, because after this there are no opportunities to fix mistakes or to undue things like there would be if this was a regular season. This is the end, and I think this show, and the characters of Sam and Dean and the men who have brought them to life for 15 years, and us the fans deserve more than a final season comprised of the brothers being separated - both physically and emotionally - in the majority of the episodes,  an unnecessary romance, wasted episodes, characters that are brought back for no other reason than the writers thinking it’ll earn them brownie points, focus being placed more on others than on the brothers, retcons of established mythology. 

And listen I’m not gonna sit here and act like season 15 hasn’t given me moments I’ve enjoyed or like every episode of the nine so far have been trash or like I haven’t been willing to look past certain sins but I’m also not going to act like this season has been of a higher quality than past seasons or like if its been quality at all; even under Dabb - not even bringing up the amazingness of the classic seasons - past seasons have put forth better episodes than the ones we have gotten so far in terms of content. 

The first half of the season has in some ways changed my feelings towards the show ending.  I’m still sad about the show coming to an end but my sadness has changed to put it that way because now it has less to do with the fact the show is ending and more to do with the fact that we’re not getting the final season that I think this show deserves and it upsets me that in this the final season the show is still being destroyed so I guess what I’m sad about is no longer about the show coming to an end - which actually I’m glad and thankful to j2 that this show is ending because it’s for the best- but I’m sad about how it is coming to that end. 

I’m going to miss Sam and Dean like crazy, that hasn’t changed, when it all ends they and their relationship is what I’m truly going to miss about Supernatural. I know that once that final episode airs in May I’m going to sob my heart out and be inconsolable but I don’t know if my tears are going to be because I’m saying goodbye to these characters I love or if they’re going to be out of frustration because by the end Dabb would have destroyed this show and given us a disgusting, unsalvageable ending. 

My only hope for the ending are Jared and Jensen and quite honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if Dabb sold them on one script then pulled the rug from under them and screwed them over in the end. I truly have zero trust and faith in Dabb&co. I don’t think I’ve ever hated or mistrusted a writers room more so while I’m still open to being surprised cause there’s still time for Dabb&co to give us a solid second half not going to lie, and as much as I want the second half to be better and I truly do hope that it is good I’m not holding my breath for it and I am preparing myself for not just a disappointing, lackluster, frustrating second half but also for a disappointing, lackluster, frustrating series finale. 

Perhaps I will be more optimistic once the second half premieres and my feelings will change but for now this is where I stand concerning the series ending. 

[suddenrundown]

                           All the Time in the World: Chapter 16 

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Regeneration was always the same.

Like a movie on pause, they’d freeze, which was always uncomfortable and disorienting no matter how many times it happened, and then came the weird, uncomfortable pulling sensation that meant they were being put back to their recorded states. Lup always felt like it was instantaneous and never-ending all at once, but there thankfully was an end to it, and when she was back in control and free to move, she would reach for Taako’s hand to find him reaching back. And with her hand in his and the reassurance that they both were fine, she’d look in Barry’s direction, and always find him already glancing back, a comforting smile on his face.

This time, Lup didn’t look, and she knew he didn’t either. 

Continued under the cut, or you can read it on ao3

                                                              ~

Lup felt the cool evening breeze and sighed as she watched people walk by from her spot on a bench. None of them seemed to be in any kind of hurry as they lazily strolled into open shops and stopped to talk to each other. She heard a group of kids squeal laughing somewhere in the distance. They all just seemed...content.

Good for them.

“You feeling better yet?” she asked, looking over at Taako next to her.

With his head leaned back, Taako cracked his eyes open and slid his glance over to her, then closed them again. “Five more minutes,” he mumbled. 

“Told you not to eat so much,” she chastised with another sigh. 

“I was starved.” He opened his eyes again and picked his head up. “Somebody was hell-bent on practicing magic to the point of exhaustion instead of, I don’t know, eating lunch at any point.”

“We were on a roll.” Lup folded her arms and turned away, suddenly looking for a fight. “My bad, though, didn’t think an afternoon of magic practice with me would make you so grumpy and weird.”

“Right,” Taako grumbled, shifting again. “There’s only room for one of us to be grumpy and weird at a time.”

Well that took the wind out of her sails. She huffed out another sigh but didn’t say anything else, granting Taako another five minutes to work through his food coma from the restaurant they’d gone to for dinner. He deserved it, because he was right. Of the two of them, he wasn’t the one with the problem, but he was the one who had to deal with her for the past month. Taako hadn’t asked for an explanation and she had made no attempts at offering one. 

What the hell would she even say? “I fucked up and let my feelings for Barry make things super weird. And then he caught on and tried to let me down gently, but I was a big baby and couldn’t deal with that, so I ghosted him, which apparently didn’t bother him because he never came looking for me so I guess we aren’t friends now, and I don’t want to see him, but I’ll always have to because that’s just how our lives work”?

Yeah, she wasn’t gonna tell him that. 

“Sorry, Ko,” she said simply instead. 

With a grunt, Taako was suddenly on his feet then with a hand held out, offering to pull her up. “It’s all good. Come on.”

“We can stay a little longer,” she offered, staring up at him.

“Nah, I’ll just walk it off,” he replied. He wiggled his fingers, motioning for her to take his offered hand. “But let’s just take it easy when we get home, deal?”

“Deal,” she said, grabbing it and letting him pull her up. She’d find something else to occupy her time. 

They took off down the town’s dirt road, making their way just as slow as the rest of the people around them, both too tired for anything else. They had definitely overdone it, Lup realized, and that one was on her. She hadn’t really noticed how intense she was being about the whole thing in an effort not to think about Barry, and she silently promised to chill the fuck out and leave Taako out of her drama. 

Too tired to make conversation, she continued people-watching as they walked, paying very little attention to anything in particular until she noticed that they were slowly approaching a small group of people gathered on the side of the dirt path. The small crowd grew a little bigger as people exiting shops grew curious as well and wandered up. As she and Taako got closer, she could see that the crowd was forming a half circle around a halfling man, who had a black case for some sort of musical instrument at his feet. 

Lup heard the onlookers collectively chuckle at some joke the halfling must have told as he sat on a stool and reached down for the case on the ground. He sat the small case on his lap, unlocked it, and pulled out a dark red bow and then a black violin, holding both with care as he leaned to put the case back down. The halfling wiggled in his seat, feet not quite touching the ground, and lifted the violin to his shoulder. 

“Oh,” he said in a cheerful voice as he bent down on the other side of the stool and sat back up again, a gray patterned flat cap in his hands. He put the cap on top of his shoulder length, dark wavy hair somewhat theatrically, trying to get the angle right. “Aesthetic,” he explained with a laugh, earning him a few more chuckles as he lifted the violin once more. With a flourish, he moved the bow into position as well. “Stop me if you’ve heard this one,” he grinned, and then began to play as Taako and Lup passed.

“Hey Taako, are you busy?” a muffled voice asked, hesitant and gravelly.

Lup’s heart leaped and then immediately sank. Barry.

Taako stopped as he reached into one of the many pockets of his faded IPRE robe and pulled out his stone of farspeech. “Barold! Nah, not busy, Lup and I are just on our way back to our pad.”

“O-oh, right, you and, uh, Lup are...how is it there?”

“Eh, you know, it’s a place. With people and things.” He paused to glance at Lup, who hadn’t made any sort of sound and, even now, offered nothing to help Taako’s lackluster description of the area they’d settled in for the year. She absentmindedly fiddled with her stone’s string that hung around her neck, hoping she looked more chill than she felt. “No one’s trying to kill us, which is always appreciated,” Taako added as he eyed the string, and then his gaze briefly slid to Lup’s face, where she could tell he was looking at her hair. She’d cut it into a pixie cut and added a couple of red streaks through it at the beginning of the cycle. It looked rad, but she had a feeling that that wasn’t the reason Taako was taking notice of it now. She really had to come up with better coping skills. His expression didn’t change as he looked back to the stone in his hand. “Plenty of magic users, so we’re taking advantage.”

“Sounds like a good place to be.”

“It’s alright. How’s it where you are?”

“It’s amazing!” Barry answered, excitement evident in his voice, and Lup could picture him when he said it. 

Which sucked. She really didn’t want to.

As he launched into a no doubt long-winded explanation of his current life, Lup pretended to get distracted by the halfling violinist and moved away from Taako to join the crowd of listeners. The halfling was in the middle of a fast, jaunty piece that didn’t match the way she felt at that moment at all, but it was a welcome distraction from her thoughts. 

Honestly, she welcomed any sort of distraction. 

It had been so long since she’d talked to Barry. After that day in the lab, she laid low for the rest of the cycle and managed not to see him. She had no idea what happened with the experiments they were conducting at the Institute or if Barry even continued working there without her. She hoped she didn’t screw that up for him, at least. Maybe he came up with a good enough excuse for her absence and managed to do it. For her part, she kept busy exploring the city with Lucretia, working out with Magnus, and bothering Taako at work. 

It was a lot more difficult to find distractions in this new cycle, and the group had more or less split up. Barry was the first, actually; he’d apparently heard that there were powerful necromancers in some town or other, and jumped at the chance to go and study under them for the year. She and Taako had found that Torrine, the town they currently lived in, was a great resource for wizards with skills like theirs, and they knew that they could use a year to hone their skills. No matter how badass they already were, nothing they ever did was enough to stop the Hunger, which only seemed to get stronger each year. They had to keep up.

Merle had made comments about wanting to go Church of Pan planting this cycle, but it had been a month or so and she and Taako hadn’t heard from him one way or the other. Magnus, Lucretia, and Davenport had volunteered to search for the Light this cycle. No news from them, either. Lup assumed no news was good news, but she missed them. She knew that all she had to do was use her stone, but she also knew that it really hadn’t been that long and she was just out of sorts in general and didn’t really have anything to say to anybody. Still, it was a comfort to know that her friends were only as far as her stone.

Except for Barry, who she felt like couldn’t be farther from her reach.

The little crowd applauded as the halfling’s song ended, and Lup belatedly followed suit as the halfling started another tune, this one much slower and far less lively than the first. Lup didn’t have much experience with musical instruments and hadn’t really given the concept much thought, but there was something about watching this guy play. There was something so...graceful about it. Maybe it was how the instrument rested delicately under the guy’s chin, or how he maneuvered the bow across the strings. She really couldn’t pinpoint what it was. All she knew was that it was beautiful.

She didn’t notice that Taako had come to stand beside her until she felt him bump her shoulder.

“Barry says ‘hey,’” he told her as he watched the halfling.

Sadly, she doubted that. “I say ‘hey’ back,” she replied anyway.

They both stood and listened for a few moments longer before Lup reached up and thumped Taako’s silly, wide hat. “Let’s go pass out at home, shall we?’

“Sounds ideal,” Taako said as he readjusted the hat and they set off again, leaving the halfling and his violin behind. 

                                                              ~

“I really don’t think I miss dogs that much until I see them, and then it’s just like oh shit, that’s what’s been missing in my life!”

Lup laughed at the earnestness in Magnus’s voice, and a few people gave her curious glances as they passed her on the sidewalk. “I feel you.”

“I know it hasn’t been that long since we had that cycle where there was nothing but dogs, but there haven’t been any since then.”

“It’s a long time to go without.”

“Dav wouldn’t let me bring one along. Even for a little bit.”

“Aw, boo!”

“I mean, he’s right, how am I gonna take care of a dog?” Magnus conceded wistfully.

“Booooo!” 

She heard him chuckle as she turned from the shop window she’d been glancing into and continued wandering. “Boo.”

“Anything else going on with you?” she asked.

“Nah, not really. You?”

Lup began to respond in the negative, but stopped short when she got distracted by a vaguely familiar sight coming out of a little cafe on the opposite side of the street. A halfling man with wavy hair and a hat, this time a dark red instead of gray, skipped down the shop steps and took off down the street. 

“Lup?”

“Uh, yeah, nothing interesting to report,” she answered as she curiously headed in the direction the halfling had bounded off in. 

“Alright, well, I guess I’ll let you get back to it!”

“It” was now apparently stalking a halfling for no reason. “Miss you, Mags,” she said.

“Miss you too!”

She stuck the stone back in her pocket and continued tailing the halfling. After a few minutes, he entered a shop and Lup watched the door close behind him before she stood in front of the building. From the signage, it seemed to be a music shop. Made sense. Maybe he worked there. Lup found herself opening the door and walking in before she really decided to do so or could come up with a reason why. A little bell on the door tinkled as she did.

“Afternoon!”

“Hey,” Lup replied somewhat awkwardly as she glanced around at the various instruments that hung from the walls. She looked over and saw the halfling behind a counter, flipping through pages of some book, minding his own business. The exact opposite of whatever the hell she was doing. 

“Need help with anything?” 

“Uh, not really?” It came out sounding like a question, and she felt embarrassed by how awkward she probably sounded. 

The halfling glanced up. “Just looking?”

“Yeah...never been here before.”

“But you don’t need help,” he replied with an amused smile. 

“I mean…” She glanced over at a violin propped against the all. “Actually,” she pointed towards it, forging ahead despite her awkwardness, “you play violin, right? I saw you walking and recognized you from when you played on the street a few weeks back.”

“I do!” he exclaimed. “All the time! But not publicly all that often. Just when the mood strikes. Wait.” He raised an eyebrow. “I shouldn’t be worried that you followed me in here, right?”

“What? No, I wasn’t following you!” She felt her face go red, mortified. “Well, I guess technically I was, but your music was awesome and I just wanted to…” She had no idea how to finish the thought.

“So you’re not a crazy fan, you’re just a fan,” he said with a laugh, clearly not actually all that concerned by her presence as he came around the counter. 

“Of the violin, yes,” she clarified. “Or, I guess I am. Haven’t really paid attention before.”

“I’m honored to have been paid attention to,” he said, taking his hat off his head and giving a dramatic, sweeping bow. 

Lup chuckled, grateful that the guy took her social blunder in stride. He secured his hat to his head again and came to stand beside her as she gazed at the violin by the wall again. 

“So you’re not that familiar with the violin, huh?” he asked.

“Not at all,” she replied. 

“Hmm...would you like to be?”

She turned to face him “Huh?”

“This is a music shop, and I give lessons. I’d be happy to teach you, if you’re interested.”

Not what she’d been expecting, but when would she get another opportunity like this? Lup loved picking up new skills! And if she was looking for something to take her mind off of...everything, then this sounded perfect. “Yeah, for sure!”

The halfling smiled and stuck out his hand. “My name’s Zenrin. Friends call me Zen for short.” He paused then, seeming to consider something. “You can call me Zen,” he finished with a wink.

Lup took Zen’s smaller hand in her own. “I’m Lup. Just Lup.” She grinned. “It’s not short for anything.”

“Alright, Just Lup,” Zen chuckled, “when do you want to start?”

                                                               ~

Over the course of the next month, Lup spent much of her downtime at the music shop. Zen’s teaching style was pretty informal, and he didn’t seem to bother with things like schedules or actual spaces designated for learning. Instead, Lup showed up whenever and stood behind the counter, violin in hand, while Zen simultaneously taught her and ran the shop. It probably wasn’t a normal arrangement, but it worked for her. The flexibility let her have as much practice as she wanted. Which, as it turned out, was a hell of a lot. 

Violin was hard. 

“Hand in first position yet, Just Lup?”

Lup cut her eyes down to where Zen sat on a stool, tuning some other instrument. Her middle finger slipped from position and she took a moment to fix it before answering. “Um, I think so?”

Zen put his instrument down and stood on top of his stool to check her. “There you go, you got it. Now,” he grunted as he hopped back down, “what’s F-sharp?”

She raised her bow and, with face screwed up in concentration, moved it back and forth over the string, and then smiled triumphantly. It sounded pretty good!

“Beautiful!”

“Yeah?” she asked, excited.

“If I’d asked you to play B, that is,” he chuckled.

“Aw, damn.”

“It’s fine,” Zen said encouragingly. He looked up then as the bell on the door rang and a customer walked in. “Hi there!” he called, picking up the instrument he was tuning and walking off. “F-sharp, Just Lup,” he said over his shoulder.

“Wait-”

“F-sharp!”

As she watched him go, Lup dropped her bow arm and swung it back and forth for a moment before raising it again and hovering over the strings. Okay, F-sharp. That one was B, so this one-

“That’s G-sharp!”

Lup made a face that Zen wouldn’t be able to see over the top of the aisle and dropped her playing stance completely, electing to wait for him to finish his business before continuing. At least she was pretty sure which string it actually was now that she eliminated almost all of the other options. 

After a few minutes, the customer left and Zen came back, looking up at her expectantly. With a dramatic flourish, Lup raised both her violin and bow into position, found the string, and played it with just as much theatrics. She raised an eyebrow expectantly. 

Zen tipped the front of his hat (one of the many he owned; this one was dark blue) and lowered it down to rest on his chest. “F-sharp,” he sighed dreamily, “music to my ears.”

This, Lup knew, wasn’t so much theatrical as much as Zen was just like that; he seemed to just romanticize most things in life. “Thanks!”

“Now that you’re warmed up,” he said as he bent down to reach into one of the counter’s drawers, “ready to play a little?” He produced a couple of beginner practice books and lined them out on the wooden surface.  

“As long as you don’t pick one that’s super heavy on the F-sharp,” she joked.

“Actually,” he replied with a chuckle, “I think the heavier the better, don’t you?”

                                                                       ~

Sometimes, Lup offered to help Zen with odd jobs around the shop in lieu of practicing. She figured she owed him something, since he had insisted on her paying him nothing at all for the lessons, despite how often she argued the point in the beginning that she took up so much of his time and also, wasn’t this his job? He continuously claimed that his time was freely given and that he would be spending it doing much of the same had she not been there at all until she stopped bringing it up. The least she could do in return was help him out when he needed it.

“Apologies if you can’t match up some of the receipts described in the ledger,” he told her one day as he sat on top of the counter, restringing a guitar. “I’m not very good at being detail oriented.”

Lup looked up from the stool she sat on, receipts scattered and ledger open in front of her. “It’s cool, I’m figuring it out. This is making me think of my friend Lucretia, though,” she added. “I think she’d have a heart attack. She’s never missed a detail in her life.”

“Alas, if I only had my own Lucretia,” he sniffed.

The subject of the IPRE had come up on occasion, although Lup had given Zen a very watered down explanation. As far as he knew, Lup had a brother and five friends she was in business with, and that business would eventually need her back home. She might have felt guilty about not telling him everything and warning him about the Hunger, and she had for a while, but Davenport had called last week to inform her and Taako that they’d found the Light, so she figured Zen and this world would ultimately be fine and she had no reason to worry him. He knew very little about her life apart from some random stories about her friends, but she also knew very little about his personal life, so it seemed fair to her. She was grateful he wasn’t the type to pry.

“So there’s Lucretia, Taako, and who else again?”

Or, he mostly wasn’t.

“Davenport’s our boss, then there’s Merle, Barry, and Magnus,” she replied.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, and then lapsed into silent concentration.

Lup did the same until a few minutes later when he commented,

“You don’t talk much about Barry.”

She whipped her head up to look at him. “What?”

“Just an observation,” he replied, looking down at her.

“That’s not-I mean, sure I do!” She felt her face growing red.

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” he said, expression more somber than it generally tended to be. “I just realized I can think of a few stories about each of your friends, but I can’t recall one about him. You make all of them sound so lovely, I wondered what could be wrong about that guy that you wouldn’t talk about him.”

“There isn’t anything wrong with Barry,” she protested. “He’s smart, and he’s kind, and he’s loyal, super funny and like, a dozen other things, and he’s one of my best friends.”

He was, she remembered painfully.

“My mistake then,” he replied sincerely, that somber expression not quite leaving his face. “I meant no offense.”

“It’s fine,” she answered, and managed a small smile. “I’m not offended.”

He nodded and turned back to his task. Lup distractedly shuffled through receipts. 

“Someone broke my heart once,” Zen commented quietly.

“Barry didn’t break my heart,” Lup insisted, suddenly irritated. “No one did!”

“I wasn’t talking about your heart, Just Lup,” he said, turning to look down at her once again. 

“O-oh.” She pretended to flip through the ledger nonchalantly, willing her heart rate to return to normal and her face to stop feeling like it was on fire. “What happened?”

“There was a girl I loved that I couldn’t find the words to tell her how I felt. She got tired of waiting and asked me, but I still couldn’t do it, and the words I didn’t say drove her off.”

Lup knew she couldn’t really relate, but she did understand the loss perfectly well. “How did…” she swallowed a lump in her throat and tried again, still staring at the ledger. “How did you deal with it?”

“Violin.” Zen replied. “I spent hours composing, writing and re-writing, and perfecting a song that I thought would represent my feelings.” He moved his hand so that it rested on the page of the ledger, forcing Lup to finally look up. “What is music if not an expression of the soul?”

Zen saw the world through rose colored glasses. She never had, and certainly didn’t have the luxury to for the last 25 years, but she couldn’t help but ask anyway, “How’d that work out for you?”

He smiled then for the first time in the conversation and pointed to the wall behind her. “Oh, I played it for her and she married me.”

On the wall behind her was a picture she hadn’t noticed before of Zen and a halfling woman stuck to the wall. It was a candid shot of the pair laughing at something, neither one appearing to be at all brokenhearted.

“Cute,” she said with a grin as she turned back to face him. 

“I love her more than I love music,” Zen practically swooned.

“Do you want a minute?” Lup joked.

“No,” he sighed. He looked away from the wall back to her and picked up the guitar beside him. “My point is that music is meant to be a healing thing, and sometimes, if you let it, it can solve a problem you didn’t know could be fixed.”

Lup had no reason to believe it would ever solve any of the problems she had, and Zen might not either if he knew about them, but she nodded in acceptance anyway, and he turned to continue fixing his guitar, no doubt satisfied that he’d swayed just one more soul over to the power of music and its magical healing properties.

If only. 

                                                                 ~

The game of “let’s see how high we can get the pile of dishes in the sink” had gone on long enough, and even though Lup didn’t want to be the one who caved, she had decided to take one for the team anyway. It hadn’t taken that long after all, and as she rinsed the suds off the last bowl, gave herself a mental high five and reasoned that she was the true winner of the Lup and Taako household games. For reasons. 

She dried her hands off and then stepped back to look at her handiwork, grinning triumphantly. That shit sparkled. She needed to make sure Taako appropriately ooh’ed and ahh’ed. Also, she needed to make a dishwashing chart. 

“Oh, Taako,” she called, singsong, “guess what I decided?”

“So Taako,” a voice that was decidedly not her brother’s said from somewhere in the room, “I need your thoughts about something. And yeah, it’s about necromancy, which I know you said gives you the heebie jeebies, but hear me out, because-”

Barry again. Lup sighed and looked out into the kitchen to see Taako’s stone of farspeech sitting on the table. Barry chattering away, unaware Taako wasn’t listening. 

“Taako, Barry’s looking for you!” She waited a moment for him to reply, huffing out a breath when he didn’t answer. “Taako!” 

                                                             ~

Barry hadn’t really felt this excited about studying something new in quite a while. For one thing, it had been a long time since he’d applied himself this much in anything that wasn’t Light related, and that got a little monotonous on occasion. Also, no one he knew now or had ever met in his old life had been into necromancy to his knowledge, which gave him the silly feeling of being special. Granted, maybe the reason people tended to stay away from it was due to the fact that it was dark magic, but that wasn’t really an issue for him. Any type of magic could be dark if it was used incorrectly. It was all about intentions, and Barry had only the best of intentions. Hunger-defeating intentions, in fact.

Although that was only a theory. He had no idea if this would help in that endeavor at all, but everything else they had tried over the years had failed. Perhaps this would do the trick. “This”, however, was not much at all; his skill level was hardly anything to write home about yet. But he would keep at it until he became a proficient necromancer. 

He closed his eyes and concentrated , grasping for the feeling of that magic as he attempted to cast Chill Touch. When he opened his eyes, a misty, skeletal hand hovered in the air in front of him. It reminded him a little of Taako’s mage hand, but his hand could deal a much different type of damage, if he actually had an intended target for it. Excitement coursed through him as a satisfied smile spread across his face. This was excellent. 

The hand disappeared as he dropped his concentration on it. He suddenly wished he was home so that he could tell everyone about his new skill, and then frowned. The excitement dissipated like the ghostly spectral hand as he realized that he really only wanted to tell one specific person.

It had been so long since he had talked to Lup. Not since that day in the lab last cycle, and they were more than halfway through this one. It was all his fault. If he hadn’t been so weak and used the situation they were to play out his feelings for her, thereby using her…

He still felt like shit for that, and felt even worse when he realized she’d noticed. Lup didn’t come back to the lab after that day, in fact he never even saw her anywhere at all. She must have been so weirded out and upset with him for what he’d done, and he didn’t blame her one bit. He would do anything to fix it, to go back in time and make a different decision. Unfortunately, only one event in their lives was able to be reset over and over again, and it wasn’t that. So he had to live with the knowledge that he’d wrecked the perfectly good relationship he had with her through his selfishness of longing for something more. 

He scrubbed a hand over his face, willing himself not to get emotional. Again. He’d cried enough already.

Well, if he couldn’t tell Lup, he could still tell Taako. Taako was still willing to talk to him, so Lup surprisingly must not have told him anything about what happened. He felt a little guilty for capitalizing on that fact, but he was just selfish enough not to want to lose another one of his best friends, so that trumped the guilt, for the most part. 

Taako didn’t actually like talking about necromancy, he said it gave him “both the heebies and the jeebies”, but of the people Barry could talk to, Taako was the most powerful wizard and would have more to say on the subject. Right after he got done complaining about heebie jeebies, of course.  

Barry fished his stone of farspeech out of his pocket and walked towards his apartment balcony. “So Taako,” he said into the stone as he stepped outside, “I need your thoughts about something. And yeah, it’s about necromancy, which I know you said gives you the heebie jeebies, but hear me out, because I’ve been thinking. How well do you think it would fare against the Hunger? Not saying that my skills are anywhere near ready to take it on and win, but say I spent a few years on it. Wait, the Hunger’s not, like, a physical presence, right? It’s like, rainbow colored darkness. Geez, those words don’t even make sense strung together, do they? Anyway, I-”

“Taako’s not here, Barry.”

He almost dropped the stone. “Lup?” he asked, peering down as if he could see who’s frequency he was on. Wait, he called Taako, right? He had been thinking about Lup, and she was still on his mind, obviously, but he’d had the intention of calling Taako-

“Yeah, sorry, I don’t know where Taako is. He left his stone.”

“Oh,” he replied simply, and found he had no idea what to say next. There was a long pause before they both spoke at the same time.

“How are you?”

“I can tell him you were-what?”

He felt himself blush profusely, unsure why he’d blurted that out. “I um, I asked how are you?”

There was another pause before Lup replied. “I’m fine. Missing home.”

I miss you. “Yeah, me too.”

“Are...you doing okay?”

“Same old, same old,” he replied, which wasn’t true. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Hey, listen, I-”

“Oh, Taako just walked in. I’ll hand you off to him. See you at regen.”

“O-oh, alright, bye Lup.”

“Barold, if this is about necromancy, I swear on the pages of my best cookbook-”

The rest of Taako’s very long winded threat fell on deaf ears. 

Lup hadn’t even said goodbye.

                                                               ~

After Taako finished his conversation with Barry, Lup crossed her arms. “Way to just leave your stone lying around. Where’d you even go?”

“On a walk. Is that a crime?”

“No, but Barry called looking for you.”

Taako hummed. “He does tend to do that around this time every week.”

Lup blinked. “So you knew he’d call?”

“Figured he would,” he said as he turned to wash his hands in the sink. “But you were here, so you got to talk to him for a sec. So it’s a win-win.” He shut off the sink and turned around to face her as he dried his hands, seeming overly nonchalant. “Isn’t it?”

She stared back at him, trying to gauge if he really was as innocent as he was trying to sound. He didn’t crack, and Lup figured that Taako wasn’t really trying to meddle in her life. Probably.

“Yeah,” she finally replied. “Win-win.”

                                                              ~

With only a few remaining weeks left in the cycle,  Taako and Lup figured it was time to leave. They didn’t want to just disappear from the town without warning once regen hit, so Cap’n Port was coming to pick them up later that day and take them back to whatever city they’d been staying in. After packing up her stuff, Lup headed to town to say goodbye to Zen. 

“Thanks for putting up with me for an entire year,” she told him with a giggle.

Zen gasped dramatically. “Just Lup, how dare you! It was an absolute pleasure to spend so much time with you.”

“I mean, same,” she replied. “You’re a great teacher.”

“Which reminds me.” He picked up his violin case that leaned against the back wall and held it out to her. “I want you to have this.”

“No, come on, I can’t do that,” she protested, flustered. “It’s yours!”

He laughed and looked around. “Have you seen where I work? I have plenty to spare. Also, I will be absolutely shattered if you don’t, so please?”

“Okay okay,” she said hurriedly, taking the case from him. “At least let me pay you for it.”

“Have you ever received a gift before this moment? You’re terrible at it.”

“Thank you, Zen,” she replied, hoping that her tone conveyed as much gratitude as was due. “Really.”

He climbed to stand on top of his stool and smiled. “All you have to do is promise that you’ll keep practicing until you’re better than I am.” He held his arms out to her.

She dropped the case and hugged him, which wasn’t quite as weird as she assumed it would have been given that they’d never hugged before. “I promise I’ll keep practicing,” she said.

“And?” he asked expectantly. 

“And,” she continued, “maybe I’ll write a song for you at some point.”

“I have no doubt you’ll write your own song one day. But not for me,” he continued, pulling away to look at her. “I write plenty of songs for me. Write one for you, from your own heart. Those are the best kinds.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Alright then, she chuckled as they parted. She reached for the case and then saluted. “Bye, Zen. It’s been real.”

“Indeed it has, Just Lup,” he replied, sweeping his hat off his head for a dramatic bow. “Indeed it has.”

When the door closed behind her, she looked down at Zen’s violin case. Or, her violin case. She liked the violin enough that she’d definitely keep it up, but she doubted she’d ever get to a point when she’d be writing her own music. Seemed like a lot of work. 

And honestly, she thought wryly, what would she ever feel strongly enough to play?

[bonnie-barstow-of-flag]

The Not So Lonesome Knight Part 16:

Parts 1 X, 2 X , 3 X , 4 X, 5 X , 6 X , 7 X, 8 X, 9 X 10 X, 11 X , 12 X, 13 X ,14 X, 15 X  

Michael’s azure hues dazzle, vibrant in their appearance, as he contemplates the idea of Bonnie being turned into a robot. The imaginings were largely inspired by Rc3′s earlier commentary. If he tried hard enough, he could picture the wires, cords, and computer chips strung expertly together to make up her perfect body. Maybe, Rc3 wasn’t that far off? What else could account for Dr. Barstow’s expansive intelligence? Knight humorously considers, lathering the motel’s conditioner through the dark coils of his hair.

Helios and the Foundation both knew that Bonnie possessed an elite mind. Unfortunately, the one particular section of Helios that had taken interest in her happened to be corrupt with criminals. That was entirely beside the point.  All Michael could do, was chalk the incident up to another time where he almost lost her. Internally, he was beginning to despise the word ‘almost’. It implied an inability to fully grasp what he so desired all-the-while, maintaining that she could still leave. If he waited too long, he could blink and she’d be gone again.  This thought alone causes his eyes to dull with hints of sadness.

Kitt was right to label him a coward. A coward who is constantly hiding his true feelings behind nearly impenetrable facades, Michael thinks to himself. He could blame it on the metal implant in his head, his time working in Intelligence, or even his life-times worth of trauma, and the number of losses he suffered. Heck, Michael could honestly apply just about a trillion more excuses but he doesn’t.

He lets a torrent of cold water followed by warm, rinse over all of his features, washing away his dour line of thinking. One day, he should free himself of the tethers of fear and dread that conspired to keep him and Bonnie apart forever.

Would he ever get a better opportunity to tell her than tonight? Michael ponders as he towels himself off and re-dresses. He can’t. He won’t! There has to be a better time, a better place than a motel, and a more convenient opportunity. He didn’t even have roses to assist his effort to woo her. Casting a wistful glance in the mirror, he reminds himself just how short he would always fall on the scale of measuring up to what Bonnie deserves.

In his departure of the bathroom, he finds himself greeted by the hums of the television which, was now turned on and casting it’s ethereal glow throughout the darkened room. Michael finds himself staring at Bonnie again. He can’t help it. She looked spectacular bathed in the luminosity radiating from the tv. Every one of her features seemed infinitely softened to the point of angelic glory under it’s careless caress. Even the look of determination she sported upon her countenance melted. From his observations, Michael gathers that she was multi-tasking, the way she always did when there were too many things burdening her mind.

Michael slings his towel around his neck like a decorative scarf, though neither end meets or crosses, as he strides across the room. After several minutes of silent observation, curiosity gets the better of him. “Whattacha workin’ on there, Bons?”

Turquoise hues begrudgingly lift upwards, departing from the pages of her splayed open notebook. The pages are jammed full of fresh equations, side-notes, and scribbled addendums. Bonnie had been working on adding more when he interrupted. Michael looked as shiny as a brand new penny with his damp mop of curls. The smile that accompanies his inquiry encourages her to answer. “I was...” Bonnie starts, praying he didn’t find her too nerdy to be attractive, “working on the coding mechanisms for the Foundation. Since some of the systems have been compromised, I’m working on making security-related improvements. I can’t really do too much without the computer physically in front of me, but this will give me ideas on what to try first.” She invitingly pats the opposite side of the mattress for him to sit down.

Michael can’t help but be impressed and his eyebrows elevate as he listens to her. “Ya mean all that jibberish is the code that will protect the Foundation?” He can hardly mask the surprise in his own inquiry as he seats himself beside her.

The brunette cocks her head casually to the side, stifling a soft laugh. Her eyes can’t help but dance with light as they focus on him.“Well, it is really a prototype of the code.” She should have known, that to his untrained eye, it would be interpreted as the equivalent of a foreign language filled with indiscernible hieroglyphics. Never one to excessively flaunt her intelligence, Bonnie slid the notebook closed and placed it and her pencil on the nightstand beside the bed.

Chewing the corner of her lip briefly, she adds, “and I was watching this show. I hate to say it, but they’re doing the repairs on that truck wrong.” Her gaze flashes towards the motion on the screen. Realizing that this made her sound overly critical, she tacks on, “not even terrible modifications are done that way. It is not only a fire hazard, but it is a good way to lose mechanical control on the road when you hit anything above fifty miles-per-hour.” She would have delved further into the complicated explanation but she really didn’t want to right now. “Feel free to change the channel to something better. I really stopped watching it intently about ten minutes ago when he started to cross the wrong wires.” She confides, slumping back against the pillows behind her.

Normally, Michael would hazard a guess at where the show’s mechanic went wrong but he doesn’t want to appear dim-witted, in her eyes, should his assumption be incorrect. So he willingly lets her remark evaporate into the air around him. He follows her lead, flopping back against pillows that rested against the bed’s headboard. He gleefully takes up the remote as he makes himself comfortable beside her. “What do ya wanna watch?”

“Anything but that last show and the news,” she answers with a half scrunched up nose.

Those requests were easy enough to abide by. He settles for something that appears to be a romantic comedy. It was hard to tell for certain if that was exactly what he landed upon because the movie was half-way through. Most women loved the silly Hallmark romances, right? Where could he go wrong? However, Bonnie wasn’t just any woman, so he studies her in order to gauge her reaction to his selection. To his pleasant surprise, she not only smiles, she hands him the champagne bottle.

“We might as well enjoy it since it’s free,” Bonnie offers. The way she said it, felt lame as it steamrolls passed her lips. The statement felt duller than she intended. Bonnie wanted to say something more meaningful, more intimate but that would be wrong. Wouldn’t it? He remains forbidden fruit.

Michael doesn’t even seem to notice the lackluster capacity of her suggestion. He cheerfully opens the bottle and pours them both a glass. They were certainly responsible adults. “So, what are we toastin’ to?” After a thoughtful pause, he jokingly adds, “and please don’t say this room or Devon.”

As strange as it might sound when Bonnie passed him the bottle, she hadn’t considered the idea that there would be a toast worth giving. At least, not one that should be shared between co-workers. She runs her pointer-finger slowly across her lower-lip giving herself time to think of something. Work. It was the safest of all of their options given their present predicament. Although, in her heart, she would prefer toasting to this night together. “How about a toast to us?” She eagerly proposes, her turquoise orbs hesitantly floating over to examine him.

Michael chokes in astonishment.“To us?” He parrots. He isn’t going to lie, he really enjoys the sound of that. It leaves so many wonderful possibilities and it swung open far too many doors.

Shifting in her place, she affirms. “Yeah. To us.” A proud smile steals across her lips. Bonnie pauses to untangle her thoughts before finally clarifying, “to us making a great team and resolving this case together.”

Leaning in, he smoothly returns, “I think I can drink to that.”

Lifting her glass the brunette breathes, “here is to us getting Kent back and rescuing the Foundation.” Of course, they hadn’t resolved the case just yet but what harm could a premature celebration be?

Setting aside their empty glasses, the two FLAG agents snuggle on top of the blankets to catch the remainder of the movie. While there are heaps of pillows around them, Bonnie opts to rest her head against Michael’s nearest shoulder. Every so often, the brunette would sneak glances up at him through the tangles of her long dark lashes. He is so close. Almost too close but she doesn’t pull away and to her surprise neither does he.

“Look at them, Michael! How do they not see it?! They are so in love and they are so perfect for each other.” She dreamily exclaims, pointing in the direction of the movie.

Michael’s azure hues snapped towards the screen the very instant she pointed. He had only been half watching the movie, the rest of his attention had been on her. He chuckles a little too loudly at her remark but the sound is edged with unusual jitters. “I don’t know.” His large hand massages the back of his neck because he is well aware that he is holding back just like the unfortunate man in the fictitious premise of the movie. “You’re right, though. It is glaringly obvious that they do belong together.” Maybe, this hadn’t been the right channel selection?

“Bonnie?” He asks, her name departing his lips in an adoring sotto voce. His gaze slowly flutters back down to her.

“Yeah?” She prompts in reply, cheating and focusing half of her attention on Michael and the other half on the movie.

He angles his head downwards and to the side slightly to get a better view of her. Swallowing sharply, he knows that this wasn’t going to be easy. There was a strong likelihood that what he is about to say will have him spending the night on the floor. Yet, he feels compelled to speak. “There is somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to tell you.” Michael starts, his brow glistening with sweat as he dares to meet her gaze.

Captivated, Bonnie concentrates fully upon him and she giddily prompts.“Oh? What is it?” Without giving him much time to impart his next statement she interjects “wait. Let me guess?” Her lips twist into a jovial grin as she speculates, “you want to tell me that your shirt is too big on me? Or I wouldn’t like a pair of your shorts because it’s got that funny hole in them?” She hardly finishes her assumptions before she falls into a fit of giggling.

“Well, yes... and no.” He starts, laughing till his chest hurt. His shirt was a little big for her. Still, Bonnie was practically killing him with the mental picture of her in more than just his shirt. However, it was ridiculous to imagine her wearing any of his pants, his shorts especially. His legs were at least a foot longer than her’s. Shaking off the useless imaginings, he tries to regain control of the more serious conversation he hoped to start. “First of all, my shirt looks it’s best when you wear it, over-sized or not. It has never looked better.” He almost suggests that she keep it, but he wonders if that is taking things a bit too far and too fast. “And unless I’m missin’ my mark here, you’ve already tried on my shorts. Haven’t you?” An air of playful accusation colors his tone. What had given away the fact she had tampered with his shorts, was the fact that they were folded differently than the way he had done them and then they were left on the bathroom sink for him when he went to take his shower.

His laughter feels like the presence of sunshine, balmy and wholly welcomed. She hadn’t been expecting his compliments and as a result, her face slowly stained red. The hilarious accusation, though it was spot-on, deepened the color to a lovely shade of plum. “Okay. So, I’m a little guilty. I was afraid you’d see too much of my legs. You don’t think I’m showing too much skin. Do you?”

Lord. Who suddenly turned the room’s temperature up a hundred degrees? So this was how it felt to be a cake in the nearly 400-degree oven. Michael’s gaze swiftly sweeps up the exposed expanse of her legs. “No.” He sharply swallows the lump of lust rising in his throat. “No, I don’t think there is too much showin’...” Heaven help him if he continued to vocalize the rest of that thought! “And I really have to tell you this or I think I just might burst.” This time his statement is firmer than he actually intended. “I...” He delicately uses his free hand to sweep some of Bonnie’s straying dark strands from her eyes before tucking them back behind her ear. He leans himself nearer until his lips are scantly a breath away from her’s. He can do this. Kitt was right! The whole fear thing was plain silly!!! He just has to rip the bandage off no matter the cost. His heart fiercely bellows out for mercy with every beat. “I....”

Bonnie smiles as he tucks her hair behind her ear, a corner of her lower-lip catches between her teeth. She has a sneaking suspicion that she knows just where this conversation is going and it terrifies her so greatly, she can feel the harsh throbbing of her heart all the way up in the hollows of her ears. The brunette can sense the lingering of his eyes upon her lips and her own gaze ventures briefly to his. If ever there were a silent, touch-less exchange of a kiss, there was one now looming in the air between them.

“I think I... lov...” He starts, his voice is huskier than he desired it to be. He was about to finish that statement when Kitt interrupts with a series of beeps.

“Michael?” Kitt innocently starts.

There is a mild explosion of exasperation in Michael’s tone when he answers, “Kitt? Can it wait? I’m in the middle of somethin’ important?!” Kitt’s timing couldn’t have been any worse not even on a bad day.

The Bostonian voice that answers holds an apologetic air, “I’m sorry, Michael. It can’t. A group of vicious-looking men are headed your way armed with guns and an battery-operated saw.”

Bonnie’s eyes round as she removes her head from Michael’s shoulder. The fact that these “armed” men were headed in their direction with guns and a saw couldn’t be a coincidence. Now could it?

The warning doesn’t come a moment too soon as a little less than a minute later their door comes crashing in, deadbolt and all.

[vanaera]

400 LUX (Prologue)

Synopsis | You’d like to think that Yoongi loves you in small details-a brush of his hand across yours, sweet smiles sent only to your way, and that look in his eyes you know he doesn’t give to anyone else but you. But it’s not enough to tell when he also pushes you away, cold and alone, far from you to touch him whenever you get too close. But tonight, under the midnight sky, in his beat-up car he sneaked you out far from your parents who detest him, far from your friends who disapprove him, and far from the society who abhors such a monstrosity of a man, you guess living and dying with him is all you could do for him to believe that you’re not like everybody else. You’re not leaving him. You’re going to stay. “We deconstruct the conventions, pick apart every bit of our rationality, and keep our head out of windows until we learn to lay and stay in each other's arms. We'll form a world of our own. Just the two of us–you and me.” Pairing | yoongi x reader (boxer!yoongi + bestfriend!you) Genre | Angst Wordcount | 2.7k Warnings | Implicit smut and mentions of violence (This IS a boxing!AU) A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOONGI!!! And for my honeyboy’s birthday, this honeygirl (me) decided to start a new oneshot featuring Min Yoongi in a boxing AU! (Also, this is under my Songs to Read Playlist as I listened to Lorde’s 400 Lux on repeat and OHOHOHO I tried a different style for this and after working on it for some time, I found it was one of the dearest works of mine that I hold close to my heart). This is just the prologue so prepare, hons, for the major fic drop I’m going to do in the future ;D

               I always knew not to expect anything from him.

               "Expectation is just a shit entitlement people forced unto others to keep everything controlled when they're not supposed to be that way," he always nonchalantly say whenever anything so minutely related to it is brought up. One doesn't need to doubt it when he's become an existent proof living off with that ideology.

               Min Yoongi runs on his own rules, crosses every boundary set by social conventions, and does not bother to look back at the trails he left, even if it will ruin everything he's built his life on.

               The only thing that matters are the consequences. Win or lose, black or white, live or die–it's all binary to him.

               His right hand shifts the gearshift forward, his left grasped a little too tight on the steering wheel. He glances at my way. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

               "Nothing," I said. The screeching of the worn tires on the hard, graveled pavement sounds distant and I prefer not to take a glimpse at the abused speedometer. His eyes are enough of warning signs to where we're headed anyway.

               He chuckles. "You afraid with the speed, babe?"

               "No," I quickly answered and I smiled. I knew we stand on the same lane. We'll never get the taste of life until we're face-to-face with death. We won't die tonight though; we're just gonna live a little.

               He grins and steps on the pedal harder, but his words will forever be contradictory. "I still gotta keep us both alive though. At least you–you still need to come home to your folks before they know I sneaked you out again, I just," he turns to look at me again, "I need to show you something."

               I smiled and let my hand rest on his and then, we pushed the stick shift further forward. Before long, laughter was already filling the empty tree streets. The streetlights above looked like bruised suns in awe of us.

               Expectations and obligations are mere concepts fictitious in Yoongi’s mind. Too free to be caged, too mercurial to be kept within the lines; he is hard to read between the lines, hard to grasp at the critical times, and hard to love...at times. Only a few times.

               Mistakes and regret fill his blood streams; morals are askew on the muddled blues and reds of his frayed veins. His name is lackluster of prestige and respect–his first name, his first creation and his last name, the last contribution his family could ever give to him. But when he stands in the 16 by 20 ring, with all the thousand luxes of unrelenting white headlights shining on all the crimson blood he spat, the violent blues of his blown-up eyes, and his beat-up garnet fists that only knew to swing, plow, and destroy–the name “Min Yoongi, King Cobra” is nothing but an aspiring legend. His name is too large for someone else to swallow that no one dares to speak of it with the contempt it deserves unless it’s in the ring. He is the epitome of the blasphemy everyone barely whispers, an abomination of a future lover, and a hideous joke of a man. No wonder he is the sin everyone told me not to commit.

               Yoongi may be a horrible blur of temptation, damnation and even a bit of some salvation, but he's also my bestfriend–the only one who can understand me and the only one who I learned to love. Far more than that probably because at this point, I’m willing to do anything for him.

               We’ve been through shits together, strived for dreams longer than we should together, and even plummeted to the deepest “worst” we can be together. We even learned together how eyes don’t only hold one destination at its focused end, how ears don’t only catch the blacks and whites, how skins felt much deeper than the warmth of the flesh, and how tongues don’t only hold names engraved on our palms and minds. They’re so much more and I realized all of them when we decided to dwell the blurred lines of the intimacy of our friendship. In the raven black of the night warmed by the soft glow of his room, I saw how his eyes only saw me instead of the glistening golden title in the middle of the ring. I felt how close and warm he was that I could feel all of him and all we could be under my touch when I’m used to him being cold and withdrawn. And I tasted how drunk, overwhelmed, invincible, and vulnerable I can be off his name and everything about him when they all stumbled past my swollen lips.

               He looks at me again and all thoughts halt in an ugly pause. “Why do you keep looking at me?”

               I smiled. Nobody expected him to be like this–to live like this, so how can I even expect him to have the same magnitude of the feelings I have? I bite my tongue. I can’t tell him I love him. No, not yet, when everything about us is not yet clear. I returned his gaze with an answer, “Nothing. Is it wrong to look at you?”

               “I’m not quite the sight to look at, sweetheart.” He shrugs off the sudden indifference on his lips with a chuckle that probably hurt his throat. It sounded hoarse; he’s been laughing quite a lot this night.

                Silence fills the gaps between us but before it can drag out to a suffocating one, Yoongi decided to break it.  “We’re just around the corner though,” he says and when I looked back out the window, the thicket of the stubby tree trunks have dwindled into narrow ones and green shrubs. We were far off from the streets we grew up in, a little bit in the middle between the tree streets and the foreign countryside for the old streetlamps in our neighborhood were no longer above our heads, watching us. Instead, dirt roads with unmarked soil stretched before us, trees mimicking the foliage of forests we dreamt of in fairy tales swayed past us, and the midnight haze that lined the skyline was not pitch dark as it should be.

               Yoongi was already pulling the park break when I saw what replaced everything from where we’re before. In front of us, lay the entirety of the city. I could see the navy sea where we drove to whenever we feel troubled, the crusty diner owned by Auntie Rose where we always come to kill time, the arcade we snuck to when life gets a little too hard on us, the apartment we used to live in, the foster home where he grew up, and even the high school we went to together-me drowning in books and wrinkled music sheets, and Yoongi with detentions and bandages smeared with dried blood.

               I glanced at Yoongi and he, too, was looking at the scene before us. But unlike me, he’s looking at the west side. I followed his gaze. On the west side lay the fastfood chain I had my first job despite my family’s objections, the grimy garage where he had his unlike everyone’s expectations. On the west side sat the disheveled studio I bought to do music, a tiny space in a building with cracking paint and walls, crammed between the rough constructions of the downtown, a tiny secret from my folks that I will never disclose. Just a street next to it is the gym where Yoongi trains, where he first learned the southpaw, where he first learned how to hit the sandbag right, where he first wore his own red gloves. And right in the center of the west side stood Front Street Club, the country club where Yoongi first felt happiness in what he earned, where he showed the town his famous “Cobra Hook,” and where he built his life as the King Cobra, wearing the last name of his mother on his trunks.

               In the center of it all, was the moon in its full glory, so enormous it encompassed both the east and the west sides. Ghost-white and pale, this sun’s respite was the only source of light in this starless night.

               “Isn’t it beautiful?” Yoongi’s voice draws me back to him.

               “Yes. I,” I bit my lip, “I’ve never seen something like this before.”

               “Yeah, me too,” he sighs, “I drove here impulsively one afternoon and thought of bringing you here because the view of the sunset was magnificent.” I felt him grabbing my hand, intertwining our fingers together. I looked at him and he chuckled before pulling me close next to him, the gearshift and the central compartment separating us but it doesn’t feel like it when my head is tucked under his jaw, body encased by his right arm that hugged my shoulders. “But you know me, and you know your folks. I can’t take you to beautiful sunsets and can only provide you midnight rides.”

               “It’s okay-actually more than okay,” I said. “The moon is beautiful and the whole city below us looked like a night haven. This is really, more than enough.”

               “Yeah, but,” his voice falters and I look up at him. He gives me a tight-lipped smile. “I know you like sunsets and I–I can’t even drive you here to see one.”

               “It’s okay. We can just pretend we’re watching a sunset tonight though.”

               “How will we do that?”

               “Well,” I sink deeper in his embrace, “we can pretend that the city now bathes in yellow and orange and red hues. We would be able to see the beach glittering like pink dust and probably some children playing or dancing by the shore. The diner would probably shine in its iconic red and white plaster with the usual patrons coming in their Harley’s and there’ll be kids like us who’ll sweep by the doors and make the adults watch them make the diner a playground than a pit of white-lines business.” He chuckles at the distant memory we have and I continued on. “Then the building where my studio is will look so pretty with all the sun’s rays hitting the cracks and the peeling paint of its walls, highlighting the mini graffiti we did on the front. Your gym though would look so cool because its brick red paint would look much intense and vibrant, and I know how that saturated view will make you giddy because it will give off Rocky’s Philadelphia vibes.

               Yoongi nods and giggles. I followed suit. “What about the sun, then?” he asks.

               “It would be golden. Vibrance and brightness toned down yet shining at the same time that it almost glitters. It will bury its way down right in the middle after it burned enough for the moon to have traces of her shine.  Even if it’s just an inch of her left for us to see, we still feel illuminated by the 400 lux luminosity that surrounded us.”

               “Wait, how do you know its luminosity amounts to 400 lux?”

               I laughed beside him. “I didn’t know you’re interested in that.” He shrugged with his nose scrunched and I laughed again. “We had physics yesterday. Our professor taught us so.”

               “Then..what’s the luminosity of the moon–like–right now?”

               “Well, I guess it’s around 0.3. It actually ranges from 0.05 to 0.3 but since it’s big like this, it’s a full 0.3.”

               “That small? I mean,” he looks at the scenery before us again, “Look at it! It’s gigantic! How can it be just 0.3?”

               “That’s what I just learned and researched, Yoongz. But you know,” I drew his attention back to me, “Not everything’s congruent. Huge things can have a brightness like this–calm, cool, unsaturated, and passive. And small things can be so bright it nearly blinds the eyes.”

               “What do you mean?”

               “The spotlights that shine on you in the ring, they’re more than a thousand luxes. And they’re shining on you. I could never agree more; you’re worth that thousands, King Cobra.”

                He doesn’t laugh and just gives me the same smile I always see in him in front of everybody–the one I find hard to decipher, the one I’m not used to. “Well I’ll say, you’re shining to about 400 lux.”

               I sat up, chuckling. “So you see me as a sunset? I mean I love sunsets but you do know sunsets mean farewells, wait,” I giggled, “are you implying that I’m going to leave you?”

               Tongues have an awful irony. They lighten your chest from uttering words you’ve long kept bottled up. But, they also make you taste every inch of remorse from saying them.

               It was supposed to be a joke but by the look in his eyes, it wasn’t what I intended for him to feel.

               “Well, will you?”

               I looked at him and for once, I can’t read him at all. His eyes looked distant yet so intimately close, his hand loose on my shoulders, ready to pull or push me away, and his warmth under my fingers felt fervid and algid at the same time. But I never broke our gaze for hesitation has never been my option whenever it comes to him. “Of course no.”

               He just smiled at me. No answers were returned, just silence.

               I leaned my head back on his shoulder and watched the city below us. When we first met, he told me that my eyes were not made to see miseries and I fought for years to prove him wrong. I can see sorrow, I can see remorse, and most importantly, I see him. But I know he’s more than the agony that pulls all his nerves taut against the wars in his mind. He’s more than the people who left him, doubted him, and made him broken beyond repair. And I’m not going to be among them.

               I molded myself closer to him and this time, grasped his fingers to interlock with mine, no plans of letting go anytime soon. He looks at me again and raises our intertwined fingers to press a gentle kiss on the back of my hand. I sighed and let my lips return one against the juncture of his jaw. I’ll prove it to him–that I’m not like the other ones. My mother always told me that I’m never like those sunny girls that live the usual life. I’m detached, peculiar, a girl with her head spent too much on the clouds.  Then so be it. I’ll be peculiar with Yoongi and we’ll make our own world together. And I would do whatever it takes until he sees how I can make the moon shine like the sun for him.

               It may not be pretty, but it’s ours.

 A/N pt.2: Happy birthday to the greatest love of my life Min Yoongi!!! You’ve inspired me to have the dream of becoming a writer who can wield words that can wreck lives, for better or worse–to write a tornado for me and my readers that I and they can find solace in, all for the sake of art. I can’t say how much love I have for you enough, because I’ve never felt someone so distant from me can have the same effect to me as my family and close friends before knowing you back in 2013. Keep inspiring people and making art. I hope you can also find more things to be happy about in life because I’m sincerely grateful for you becoming one of mine. Happy birthday, Min Yoongi ♡ ♡ ♡

For my followers who continues supporting and appreciating my work, thank you so much! I will fulfill your requests on my next posts, though my schedule won’t be that fast-paced as your honeygirl will have tons of exams and term papers, but rest assured I’m working on them already! Thank you so much, I love you all, hons!

All Rights Reserved © Vanaera. Reposts, modifications, and translations of content are not allowed without direct permission.

[bthenoise]

Prom Stories: Here’s 14 Tales Of The Dance Floor From Some Of Your Favorite Bands

With this year’s prom most likely cancelled for all high schoolers across the nation (super sad, we know), we didn’t want to leave you in dark for what can be a pretty memorable night -- both good and bad.

So, in an attempt to help you both experience prom and also realize that missing it might not be the end of the world after all, we’ve collected some pretty interesting stories from some of your favorite bands.  

To check out how members of This Wild Life, Grayscale, Beach Bunny, Broadside and more spent their "My Chemical Slow Dance,” be sure to see below. Afterward, make sure to enjoy our prom-inspired playlist here. 

Kevin Jordan - This Wild Life

I was too nervous to ask a girl to prom so instead I made a huge banner and hung it on the side of the tallest building at our school that said, “Ashley Debry, Prom? - Kevin Jordan.” She was the cheerleader captain and proceeded to break her shoulder and arm tumbling or some shit but she was a good sport and attended in a lace-adorned sling. It went better than my buddy Kris though, his Ford Falcon’s hood flew up on the freeway on the way there and he couldn’t see the road. Had to pull over and [his date] asked to go home.

Lili Trifilio - Beach Bunny

I went to prom like five times because I was obsessed with school dances but nothing beats the time my date ditched me, made me buy him Chipotle, then tried to hang out again later. This guy was different from the rest of my prom dates because I was secretly in love with him. He accepted my invite but then “forgot” to pick me up so my dad had to bring me to the photo portion, which was super embarrassing and a bad start to the night. Then, when the slow song came on at the dance, I was like “Yes, this is my shot!” When he approached me, I assumed he was going to ask me to dance. Instead he told me he was gonna leave with this other girl and left me in complete shock. Luckily, one of my guy friends saw me crying and asked me to dance so that I wouldn’t be a complete mess. Then, this boy has the audacity to text me in the morning asking me to see his new motorcycle?! Keep in mind, we were all in the same friend group and hung out every weekend but after that night I never talked to him again -- at the time, I didn’t know this, but he sure as hell didn’t deserve me and I definitely dodged a bullet.

Nick Ventimiglia - Grayscale 

To be honest, none of us in Grayscale ever went to prom. BUT I did go to a few homecomings. I actually won homecoming prince in 10th grade and then homecoming king my senior year. Here’s the catch: I went to private school and there was only like 36 kids in my graduating class, so what can you do? One time that actually sticks out was when I went to my girlfriend’s (at the time) snow-coming, which is essentially a winter version of homecoming. She actually won queen for her class and they didn’t end up nominating anyone for king of her grade, so by default, I won king of her class. I didn’t even go to her school. I was just on stage, with a sash, standing there smiling and it rocked. Come to find out, they cut me out of the yearbook because I didn’t go to the school, so I have no hard evidence. Here are some songs from 2007 that we most likely danced our asses off to while we were buzzing off trash Burnetts Vodka: T.I. - “You Know What It Is” Soulja Boy - “Crank That” Bird Man, Lil Wayne - “Pop Bottles” Fabolous, T-Pain - “Baby Don’t Go” 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Timbaland - “Ayo Technology” Unk, OutKast, Jim Jones - “Walk It Out” Shop Boyz - “Party Like A Rock Star” DJ Khaled, Akon, T.I. - “We Takin’ Over” Kanye West - “Good Life” Playa Circle, Lil Wayne - “Duffle Bag Boy”

Broadside

Ollie Baxxter

My prom coincided with my first real breakup. One week before we were meant to go together my date/girlfriend bailed. I was working two jobs at the time and already rented my tux so I just decided to go with my group of friends as the “solo heartbroken guy at prom.” When I got to the dance, the music was terrible and either my loneliness consumed me or I was just a horny teenager but all my classmates looked beautiful. Eventually my ex showed up with a mutual friend and my friend group tried their best to keep me distracted but eventually we met face to face in a hallway on the way to the bathroom. She went to say something and I think I just tried my best to hold back the shame and tears. I left the prom and spent the rest of the night skating with my friends in a parking lot somewhere. Being young is hard. 

Jeff Nichols

I only went to prom one year when I was in high school. I was a sophomore and my girlfriend at the time was a junior. I wore a tux with an all-white jacket and my date wore an all-white dress to match. I don’t remember too much since it’s been awhile but I remember it was like an “Under the Sea” type theme, which a lot of us thought was lame but we all still felt like we had to go. We danced some but all ended up leaving early to go bowling then hit Waffle House after. I only went to prom once and I don’t really regret missing the other years. During this time of quarantine, it is sad that a lot of kids don’t get the experience their prom due to closures but if you spend a bunch of money renting an outfit then take a bunch of awkward photos and dance to “Cupid Shuffle” or whatever the equivalent would be now, you pretty much got the main experience of prom. 

Dom Reid

My prom night was lackluster, to say the least. I think the new Alice In Wonderland movie had recently come out so that was our “theme” for decorations and what that turned out to be was like a large poster a student had made outside in the hall and then absolutely no decorations inside. I was one of those kids who dated a girl from a different school so it was nice to finally prove she was real. The dance floor was ruled by Lady Gaga and The Black Eyed Peas but someone did manage to get 30 seconds of “Downfall Of Us All” by A Day To Remember played. My date and I left early, grabbed some sushi on the way home. My life truthfully would be the same if I never went to prom. I do feel bad for the kids who don’t at least have the option to go to theirs this year, but I’m sure after a night of recreating TikTok dances in their bedroom, they will be just as fulfilled. 

Pat Diaz

I went to prom my junior and senior years, both with the same girl. From what I can remember (because my memory is horrendous, not because I was on the juice), it wasn’t all that fun. Senior year, I was basically stuck in a relationship (for reasons I won’t discuss) and really didn’t want to be there. The highlight of my night was getting breakfast at Perkins at 3:30am. Society puts so much unnecessary significance on prom for no reason other than “if you wanna be cool and fit in.” Sure, you’ll be bummed it’s not happening but I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine knowing that you’re not missing much. If you really want the “prom experience”, drink an energy drink, put on some music and start dancing in your room until 2am then go get McDonalds or something. Same same.

The Wrecks

Nick Anderson 

I showed up to prom pictures late because I was playing a show with my high school cover band. I wore my white prom tux on stage during the performance because I literally didn't have time to get changed before racing over to where the pictures were being taken. My date was very unhappy but the disappointment did not end there. Because of the rush, I didn't have time to eat dinner. So on the way to prom, I made my prom date pull her 2005 Volkswagen Beetle through the Burger King drive-thru so I could enjoy a Double STACKER KING with extra bacon. She stood outside of prom for 15 minutes while I ate fast food off the hood of her car. We didn't hang out much after prom. 

Aaron Kelley 

Nothing classier than a tuxedo t-shirt, black skinny jeans and a DeLorean. I’m sorry for everyone who missed their prom this year but I promise you there’ll be many more opportunities for you to have a tuxedo t-shirt night. <3 

Jade Castello - Picturesque

It’s been a year or two since I was in high school but I went to a couple different proms throughout my high school years with my previous girlfriend(s). If my memory serves me correctly, the radio hits at the time were artists such as Jason Derulo and Panic! at the Disco. I might not have won prom king but I did close out the night of my senior prom with a dance-off competition by busting out a backflip to “Let’s Go” by Trick Daddy. Everyone jumping up and down chanting my name was something straight out of a movie ha. Prom was a great experience but missing out on that night isn’t the end of the world. Once we’ve all moved on from high school, you’ll realize that one night doesn’t define your “high school experience.” You have much more to offer this world than how sick you were back in high school.

Nick Zawisa - Breakup Shoes

Senior prom… what a trip. The year was 2014: I was wearing a three-piece suit in like 95 degree weather (cuz, you know, Arizona) driving my Hyundai into downtown Phoenix with one of my best friends (still to this day!)… and I’ve gotta say, that’s about all I remember. I had always thought prom would be this extraordinary experience like how it’s romanticized in the movies but it turned out to just be an awkward ballroom packed with sweaty people I don't even like trying to dance in heels or suits to the all-time worst playlist of 2010s pop music. All that to say, my feelings on the night could be summed up into “Prom: an experience to forget.”

Dead Lakes

Cody Hurd

For me, prom was pretty overrated. I was voted prom king, but to be fair, our class only had like 70 people in it voting. I had to awkwardly go on stage and accept my royalty with people I didn't really know because my date was unfortunately not voted prom queen. The rest of the prom I basically spent sitting at a table waiting to just hang out with my friends afterwards. So [if you’re missing prom this year], just spend a night dressing up and FaceTime with your friends. Have some “non-alcoholic” drinks (responsibly of course) and blast some music and dance your hearts out. You won't miss a thing.

Chon Adam

Man, I haven’t thought about prom since basically when it happened. We had our prom at the Space Needle in Seattle with Drake playin’ in the background. Half the people were way too into prom and the other half didn’t care at all. I was definitely in the latter category, so I didn’t have a great time. But most people don’t go to prom to have fun at prom. They go to kick it at parties afterward. Definitely not something that even remotely defined that year for me. So if you’re missing it this year, I promise you you’ll be alright!

House & Home

Joey went to prom and ended up talking to the teachers more than the students. The best part was for sure watching the wrestling coach absolutely lose it to a Vanilla Ice song. Pat went his junior year and decided to sit out his senior year. The best prom related memory from his high school career was when he played the afterparty with his high school band at Dave and Buster’s. Prom was never really anything any of us really looked forward to or made a big deal of much in high school. It’s always fun to look back at the memories, though.

[go-diane-winchester]

SPN ending could be Misha's fault

When J2 decided to end SPN, most dignified individuals were very respectful of their decisions despite the fact that it hurt something fierce.  However there were those who were speculating as to why J2 finally decided to call it a day.  Jensen did give a potential reason during VegasCon this past weekend. 

The Budget

They got a question about what ideal location they would choose to shoot an episode if they had a choice.  Jensen went off on a tangent about shooting on the road, and then mentioned that if they had the budget for that, then they would still have a show.  So one of the reasons, was the budget

The Ratings

During a January 2019 interview with Deadline, Mark Pedowitz, CW president said the following: “As long as the ratings hold up and the guys (stars Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles) want to do it, it’s really that simple. They have created something about these two brothers that actually transcends.”  Jensen also said, during the panels, that the show ending was a joint decision, as everyone involved with show did not want the show to fizzle out.  They wanted the show to go out strong.  According to Deadline, Supernatural was a potent ratings performer, ranking as the CW second most watched and highest rated among adults 18-49 series in Live+Same Day only behind The Flash.  However, if the show is such a high performer, why would Jensen talk about it fizzling out and what did he mean by that?  It meant, in my humble opinion, that despite the fact that the ratings were good, there was potential for it to lose viewership in the coming future and end disgracefully.  Perhaps, analysis of the rating chart was showing that in the future, SPN had the potential to drop too much in the ratings, and they wanted the show to end in a dignified manner rather than ''being booed off the stage'', according to Jared many years ago.   

So Jensen mentioned the budget and the ratings fizzling out as the reason for SPN's demise.  The joint decision was not to an easy one because, according to Jensen, they had discussed it for years.  So J2 don't want the show to end.  They need to end the show with dignity before its too late and they lose too many viewers.  I can understand that.

So whose fault is it that the show suffered from budget problems and dangerous future ratings?

Misha made a joke about SPN continuing without J2 and instead starring him and Richard, and Jensen gave a savage reply which I laughed at.  Unfortunately hellers assume that I cant understand the joke.  On the contrary, how do they know Jensen was joking?  If Jensen says the budget and the fizzling ratings are the reasons for SPN ending, and he is smart man, then he has to place some blame on Misha for the expensive and pointless spinoff that made a dent in the budget and contributed to the potential drop in ratings due to the lack in new material for SPN. 

Well, @kaitlyn7777 ​​, the spinoff was Misha's doing.  He badmouthed the show in 2013, during his panel, by convincing his own band on minions that SPN is a sexist show, and his top tier minions decided that having a female cast in a spinoff would be the way to rectify that grievous wrong.  The reason why he wasn't fired for that was because Bob Singer is his backstop.  Bob Singer is potentially the reason Castiel was brought back after being killed off in Season 7.  Bob Singer and Andrew Dabb, Misha's fan boys gave the following joint statement about the ending:  ''We’d like to give special thanks to Jensen, Jared and Misha for making this journey so special. It is now most important to us to give these characters that we love the send off they deserve”.  Every other person from Pedowitz to Jeffrey Dean Morgan credited Jensen and Jared.  These two bum boys had to mention SPN's most glorified part time actor. 

Since S7, Castiel has been doing nothing meaningful on SPN.  Season 8 to 13 could have easily been written without him.  Despite being Misha's bum boys, even they knew how talentless he is, so they kept him on the show doing just enough to not damage the ratings.  That is why despite the minion claims that Misha is pivotal to the success of SPN, he was never given lead status or more screen time.  Castiel never got his own spinoff.  That status has never changed because even the execs realize how unimportant this guy is.  Castiel is one of the expensive dents in the budget.  They are literally paying him to take up space.   

Anyway, his fans started campaigning for an all-girl spinoff.  The show execs, fearing bad publicity, decided to comply.  Dabb and gang started sharing their own budget, time and talents between SPN and the new project.  That is when Donna and Claire got written into canon so that they can move onto the spinoff when the time came.  SPN's own storyline suffered because the writers simply could not give it the focus it needed.  That would explain the ratings.  Only Misha's fans were doing any kind of campaigning.  The rest of us didn't think that SPN was racist, sexist, homophobic or whatever other accusation the minions wanted to fling at the show.  Because the minions and their sock accounts, gave the illusion of a majority, CW thought that launching a new spin off will secure a new batch of viewers for the next 3 to 5 years at least.  Just long enough to go into syndication. 

Unfortunately, the spinoff bombed in the ratings, because twitter handles can be faked but ratings cant.  And other casual viewers didn't want to watch a ''girl power'' show with lackluster, under talented young girls complete with forced femmeslash.  The spinoff was understandably canned and minions started to campaign for its comeback.  Mark Pedowitz announced the following:  “I’ll say it again, if there was a spinoff to be had, I’d love to have it.  That said, I’ve come to somewhat of a conclusion that the show is the two brothers.”  The fact that the President of a Network, who is in charge of many other shows, has to step in to shut down further talks of a spinoff for this one show, can tell you what an annoying group the minions are. 

With the spinoff in the crapper, SPN now had a bunch of characters they didn't know what to do with.  Characters like Jody, Donna and Claire.  SPN cant kill off these useless characters because girl power and misogyny and whatnot.  So they have keep them on board.  These people are expensive add-ons.  In order to make place for them, SPN initially got rid of other characters like Bobby, Garth and Charlie.  Now that SPN is stuck with them, more characters had to be removed including Crowley.  According to Mark Sheppard, he and Misha Collins were told to take a 70% pay cut and lose their series regular status so that SPN could secure Alex Calvert and Pellegrino.  Mark said no because the deal was insulting, but Misha said yes. 

Its funny that they wanted to ''secure'' Alex and Pellegrino so desperately, but don't know what to do with their characters now.  So the thing that makes me smirk is that I think they were hoping Misha will also say no like Mark did.  They wanted to get rid of him.  They cant fire him because Bob wont let them. They were hoping Misha will leave on his own.  Unfortunately for them, Misha shamelessly took the offer.  Plus, he needs Castiel for all his other ''projects'', so a pay cut didn't bug him.  He is making a killing from Gish, because whether you like to admit it or not, Gish is business.   

Because of that blunder on the part of the writers, now they are stuck with Alex and Pellegrino, in other words two extra expenses.  Then [I blame the shitty writers for this because it makes no sense] they started bringing unnecessary old actors back, including Felicia, Osric, Jim Beaver and Samantha Smith.  There is literally no reason for bringing back Mary.  The only necessary character for a few seasons now, was Michael.  All this character juggling happened because they didn't spend time and thought on SPN due to the spinoff that Misha wanted.  Why did he want the spinoff?  According to Ruth Connell, he wanted a new home for Castiel, just in case SPN shut down. 

Misha was like the parasite that ate the show he was already on, from the inside out, in order to secure a future for himself.  And I think Jensen knew about it all along.  That joke was a fantasy of Misha and Jensen saw right through it.  Misha would die of happiness if he had a show all for himself.  Why do you he pushed destiel so much?  Because it kept him close to Dean and therefore relevant.     

https://deadline.com/2019/03/supernatural-to-end-after-season-15-on-the-cw-1202581010/

https://deadline.com/2019/01/supernatural-success-and-spinoff-potential-cw-tca-1202547014/