#a rant about EDs and weight loss after cancer

[oasisr]

If you're a cancer survivor, there is a side effect of treatment that many people are not aware of.

And, the side effect that I often think is the change that has taken place to my hormones, leading to weight gain.

I follow a few tags here on Tumblr that pertain to weight loss and working out because I love being inspired by others. But, it is disheartening seeing ED content.

I can say that in the past year, I have tried losing weight in unhealthy ways to no avail.

What actually helps me lose weight after chemo and being on Prednisone (a steroid) is lifting weights, walking, swimming, and going on the stair machine at the gym. I also had an active job this year too, which involved me working in a very fast-paced role.

Yes, it turns out that working out and moving around a lot throughout the day burns a lot of calories. I also try to limit my sugar and keep a rough estimate of how many calories I'm consuming at a healthy amount.

As a short woman (5'3), I limit my calories to about 2,000 a day, and try to burn about 300 or more calories through walking and working.

This has helped me way more than restricting and being on a strict diet. I eat what I want within reason and enjoy my life. I try not to stress out over food, but I still eat mainly healthy, whole foods.

I see ED posts on here about girls who cry because their moms made them dinner. That is just so sad.

We are here to love life and enjoy food. Our experiences are a blessing.

In conclusion, my hormones have changed a lot since chemo. And, being active and eating healthy is the only thing that allows me to lose weight. Restriction does not work with my current metabolism at all!

[small-amethyst-deceiver]

Smoking doesn't make you skinny: a rant

So I keep seeing this as "advice" on how to suppress hunger and as a smoker myself, I'm begging you to stop and stfu! If you think smoking is worth it just to lose weight, I'm sorry, but you're wrong (and spreading dangerous advice) and I will explain why.

I started smoking because it was the only coping mechanism I had to deal with trauma and mental health issues. I've been smoking for years, since I was a teenager and into adulthood so I've pretty much seen most of the aspects of it - more importantly, the negative ones. I'm sure you're aware of lung disease, cancer, and other health risks involved with smoking, but if those aren't enough here's more things that suck about smoking.

- Smoking in combination with an eating disorder is dangerous. Smoking on an empty stomach especially. It fucks with your blood pressure and there were several times when I almost fainted because I had a cigarette on an empty stomach. If I fainted outdoors in an area that isn't busy with people, I could've easily died without anyone finding me and getting help. Your body is already weak and subjecting it to smoking only makes it worse, and I'm talking chronic illness and death, not aesthetic suffering.

- You will stink. Not "sMeLl Of SmOkE", stink. Most people don't like the smell and won't hesitate to tell you so. My boyfriend doesn't want to kiss me after I have a cigarette because of the smell and taste, and I honestly don't blame him.

- Your teeth, fingers, and nails will turn yellow from nicotine. No amount of brushing will remove it. I brush twice a day and my teeth are still yellow. Say goodbye to aesthetic long fingers with perfect skin and nails and beautiful smiles.

- If you smoke indoors, the stench will eventually become more and more difficult to air out, and it will stain your walls. If not, good luck going outside in all kinds of weather just so you can have a cigarette.

- Your social interactions will suffer. You will either have to leave your friends several times for minutes at a time to have a cigarette in a separate area, or be anxious for hours because the situation doesn't allow you to have one.

- ... Unless your friends are smokers too. In that case, you will smoke more because of social smoking. My friends who smoke and I go through several packs of cigarettes in a single evening of drinking when we're together. After that, you wake up with your mouth and throat feeling like sandpaper.

- It is very, very, very time consuming and mentally exhausting. You will get to a point where you will plan your days based on when and where you can have a cigarette, how to organise that, how to get there, how much that will take etc. If you're a student and/or employed, you now have to plan your smoking breaks into your already busy schedule.

- Even if you don't develop a deadly illness (which you most likely will, especially in combination with an ED), you will chronically suffer in some way. Whether it be the smoker's morning cough, damaging your vocal chords (goodbye singing), or just generally feeling like shit, it will happen.

- This one stings: WEIGHT LOSS FROM SMOKING ISN'T EVEN TEMPORARY! Studies have shown that people lose a little bit of weight when they start smoking and then gain it back, even if they continue smoking, and especially if they do the right thing and stop. So if you're thinking about smoking "a little bit" and then stopping so you can kickstart weight loss, just forget about it.

- It gets addictive quickly. It becomes a comfort and a habit and it's very difficult to control yourself because it doesn't feel like a big deal even though you're harming yourself. It's also a very nagging thought to have in your brain, especially if you already have urges and obsessive thoughts because of your ED.

- It's EXPENSIVE. Holy fuck, it's expensive. Packs cost a lot. Buying tobacco to roll your own cigarettes is a bit cheaper, but still costly if you're smoking regularly. Most smokers I know and myself resorted to finding less legal ways to get cheaper cigarettes and tobacco, but that's another hassle in and of itself. "But I can just buy the cheapest kind!" I mean, if you want to smoke something that tastes like bitter ashes mixed with hot asphalt, go for it, but as someone who's been there I can promise you you won't last long.

I don't want to wag my finger at you, but please, if you're not smoking already - and ESPECIALLY if you're a minor - don't even start. It's not worth it.

And please, don't spread harmful "advice" like this to already vulnerable people and teenagers/kids. Smoking is not romantic. It's not an aesthetic you can wear when it suits you, it consumes your entire life and affects your body, mind, health, bank account/allowance, time management, and social life. It has so many downsides people never mention and there are better things to do with your body and money. And again, IT WON'T MAKE YOU SKINNY IN THE LONG RUN, so it's not even worth it.

[beccashapiro94]

Past Truths

Today I watched a youtube video on complicated grief . ( complicated grief is basically when the griefing process becomes abnormal by complicated feelings around the death , such as survivor guilt , trauma unhealed with person that died , or great anger of death . the other difference is that complicated grief intrudes on life where as grief helps you get past the loss) When i listened to it all i could think about was the day my dad died . ( i mean obviously i would draw back to that .)

To say my relationship with him was complicated is an understatement for sure. He was the only one who listened to all my rantings and who let me be truely me ; but than would knock me down in an instant with his quick wit and zappy one liners . He also believed in me but never thought i’d amount to anything all at the same time. I also idolized him , I didn’t realize this until he died . Once he was gone it was like my soul died a bit and than E.D. who was always in my dad’s voice took his place completely even while pregnant. ( E.D. is at least what most of us with eating disorders call our eating disorder , obvious i know but some people do get confused because i pronounce it like a name of a person Edd .)

Back to the youtube video it said some of the reasons someone can have complicated grief one of those was you were not able to grief at the time due to planning the funeral or being strong for someone else . For me i was 6 months pregnant at the time and it was a complicated one. Gestational diabetes, Preeclampsia, and my liver was basically failing . I saw the body , everyone told me not to when i got there but i had too i just couldn’t believe it until i saw . It was traumatic to say the least . it reminded me of when my dad had been rushed to a hospital and had emergency surgery for very bad peritanitis ( infection of the pertanium from home dialysis) and bowl blockage . When he came out of surgery they had to put him in a medically induced coma and on machines i was holding my dad’s hand when that happened and i saw the fear and panic in his eyes and than they suddenly went dead i saw all that was him leave and i guess i seemed frantic because the nurse rushed me out and said the vending machine has snack still .

Now i saw him really with no life , at least when they medically induced him a machine made his chest move up and down. This wasn’t a movie set or t.v. show he had rigamortis and was sitting on the couch when he died they put him on the floor but was still in a seated position. ( they moved him as it was obviously natural causes he had terminal cancer, dialysis, and oxygen for copd) I burst out of his apartment unable to really speak but tears flowing and had to call my sister and my mother and sign things for police and emts that part is all a blurr now i just know i must have done it .

That same hour ed came back in my head from a 9 month vacation. How can you eat at a time like this ? Sure there is a baby inside you but who cares you need to kill yourself . ( yea he gets real dark) but i had to put everything aside i couldn’t think of my dad with out almost having a stroke ( blood pressure wise ) so i focused all my energy on being pregnant and the baby and i kept telling myself ill grieve later . Than once my son was born he was in NICU and we didn’t know when or if he’d come home, so again i said i will grieve later . Than i got an infection in my csection and just one surgery after the other even now i’m waiting for another surgery that has to happen to remove a cyst and scar tissue .

so i’ve realized the reason i still cry instantly when i even dare think my dads name i just turn into a puddle of tears is i have never grieved but im unsure also if i wish too. I loved my dad with all my heart , but he is a huge chunk of my self esteem issues and eating disorder issues . When my mom left i had to live with my dad and he thought i was super overweight the year before i had been molested and did gain quite a lot of weight. . His solution any time i ate anything he would yell at me about how fat i am ;he would repeatedly not pack me enough for lunch or a lunch at all and never gave me lunch money. I was bullied to the point of sucidal ideation for my weight and instead of being a soft spot to land he would just say well they are just saying what they observed don’t like it loose the weight . He also thought i was slut . I remember specifically that once i told him i saw an ex at the grocery store and he stated quite point blank “ bet that happens all the time since you’ve slept with most of Austin” . Anytime ED speaks in my head it is always my father’s voice.

On the flip side my dad was always the one who understood me. He admired that even though kids made fun of me for being jewish i never wavered in being proud of it. I knew three languages he loved it . I was smart and witty like him . We had the same humor and same likes . I am definitely the attitude of my mother but the presence and likes of my father. My father was an amazing story teller and writer and while i lack in both somewhat i got all this from him. He was a learned man as my rabbi would say and while i don’t have a degree yet most people think i’m knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. My dad was an amazing man.

I’m conflicted with these feelings and that is why i have no clue whether i will ever grieve properly. I can never hear him say i’m sorry for the trauma and pain he has inflicted; i will never get to apologize for just seeing him as a human with faults and not as some all knowing being i had to be like .

while the tears flow ,

have a wonderful day beautiful people