#a random coven scout (you decide who)

[stormvanari]

1st comp

jumping on the hc bandwagon that hettie hunts down her patients, especially the other coven heads

_________________________________________

Intro music: Saturday Night Question (Japanese OP of Recovery of an MMO Junkie)

[glyhpsrfvckincol]

Hi! Could you please do an Emperor Belos x reader where the reader and Belos used to be good friends in the human realm and When Belos and Caleb found the Demon Realm Reader tried looking for him but died in the process and somehow ended up in the Demon Realm? Then Belos found them and took them to the castle and helped them and then they kiss lol srry if this is long

History || Emperor Belos

Synopsis - Emperor Belos, who you once loved as Phillip, finds your corpse and restores you.

Warnings - Mentions of death. Old ass Belos. Cannibals. 

A/n - I have a love-hate relationship with this dude.

Requests are opened; headcanons only

↳ Ahh, young love.

↳ Your families had betrothed you to one another, as he had been born only a month after you.

↳ Either that, or it’s childhood friends to lovers. Cause ✨ Gay ✨

↳ Despite that, you fell for one another by 15.

↳ You know that trope, “She fell first, but he fell harder”? Yeah, that’s you both.

↳ Philip, who you affectionately call ‘Pip’, discovered the demon realm while he, you and Caleb where off sneaking out of the village for a few hours.

↳ The 3 of you were famously known around the village for your reckless adventures. Many of these adventures had worked out in favour though, considering you had caught a few mountain lions heading towards your town and were able to warn the towns folk before any real harm could be done to gravesfield.

↳ You actually moved with them to gravesfield, as what had killed their parents was a mistimed house fire that took your parents as well.

↳ Being only the short age of 19, you decided that instead of messing with fate, you travelled back home, pretending as if you all had all been out picking berries.

↳ Or some bitch lame activity.

↳ But, as fate happens, Caleb came across the portal to the Demon realm again, and y’know what they say, right?

↳ Curiosity killed the cat.

↳ Philip finds out, mainly cause Caleb actually planned his trip by writing it down in his diary.

↳ Caleb had been missing for a few days and both of you were worried.

↳ So Philip actually informed the town that he was travelling into the Demon realm.

↳ You assumed you would be going with him. You were not.

↳ Let’s be honest, there is no way in hell he would let you go with him. He genuinely loves you bro.

↳ So, you begrudgingly stayed. Obviously not without him proposing, in secret as it is the early 1600’s, giving you a pretty ring.<3

↳ So, off he traveled into the demon realm, with the promise of coming back safely with his dear brother.

↳ You never saw him again.

↳ He had promised he would come back to you within weeks. You waited years. The ring he gave you remained on you finger, hoping he’d one day come back to finish the end of his promise.

↳ When you were nearly 30, you gave up waiting for him to come back, and instead searched for a way to get to him.

↳ The portal you had found with the Wittebane brothers had closed long before you had seeked it without them.

↳ So, instead you would search the forest in hopes you would stumble across a gate or door of some description by chance.

↳ That wasn’t where your luck was.

↳ You fell through the earth, which turned into sky and landed on hard, yet simultaneously soft rock.

↳ Though, you still broke a leg when you hit the ground.

↳ Bone poking through the leg.

↳ And unfortunately for you, barbaric witches could smell the blood from your fucked up leg.

↳ They ate you.

↳ They ate and left no crumbs bestie😔✊

↳ They buried what was left of you. Your clothes, bones, hair, 1 eyeball and your ring.

↳ And around 350-ish years later, a random coven scout, managed to find your remains.

↳ He was on a mission with the GG prior to Hunter, who was barely out of training.

↳ He pointed out the pile of bones and dirt covered clothes to him, and the GG recognised them as the love of Belos’ life, the one he had heard a few stories of.

↳ Belos talked about you so often, to all the previous Golden Guards with such details, it was no wonder the GG could recognise you. Belos also had a small painting of you, cause it was the 1600s when you knew each other.

↳ He also saw the similarities between the ring your finger held to Emperor Belos’.

↳ So, he ordered the other coven scouts that had been assigned on the mission to bring your bones back with them to the castle.

↳ During his mission report, he mentioned the pile of bones he had discovered. He also told Belos himself, figuring that if it were you, he’d want to know immediately.

↳ Belos had demanded to know where you had been placed, and sought you out the moment the GG told him.

↳ He too recognises you, noticing how you had been wearing one of your favourite outfits and the ring he had given you.

↳ And so, like he had done with his brother a multitude of times, he was gonna make a Grim Walker of you.

↳ Belos is a psycho, I don’t know what you expected. 🤷

↳ Belos gets to work immediately, and seeing as he has done this process several times before, he finished quickly and then just had to wait.

↳ Eventually you crawled from the dirt, around the age he had left you back in the human realm.

↳ Though all your memories of him or anything, weren’t existent.

↳ So you know the memory thing Luz and Willow did back in season 1? Yeah that, but to himself.

↳ Belos is a psycho but a psycho in love with you.

↳ He talked of all the memories you two had together, how you fell in love and when tragedy struck.

↳ But none of it worked.

↳ So he asked Collector to just restore your memories and fake ones of how you got to the Demon Relam

↳ Belos wanted to be your saviour, to be the one person you remember.

↳ He knew he’d have to be careful with how he treated you, worried that you’d remember how he had abandoned you and become cold to him.

↳ Belos only had these fears due to Caleb’s ghost constant remarks about how shitty Belos was for leaving you alone, filled with hope based on fake, empty promises.

↳ Belos kisses you when he sees a fit opportunity, which is a lot, scared that he’d have to restart the process of getting you to love and remember him again.

↳ Constantly bribes you with lavish gifts and promised riches.

↳ Also, a lot of gaslighting, he’s a tad bit very toxic.

↳ He loves you, he’s just incredibly mentally ill and hella misguided by 1600’ Orthodox Christian’s.

↳ Back when he was Phillip, he loved you in the way he thought he’d go crazy without you. But now, as Belos, you make him insane beyond all reasoning.

[thousand-winters]

I like to think Hunter and Eber had a pretty okay relationship when Hunter was younger and before Belos put the indoctrination in overdrive. Like young Hunter loved to hold Eber and touch his fur because he’s soft and the texture was nice, Eber also liked to show off beast keeping tricks to him but then Eber noticed how uncomfortable Hunter made Darius and decided even though Hunter was an alright kid, he cares more about his best friend than some toddler he doesn’t really know. So he started ignoring Hunter and eventually growling at him which as you can imagine confuses and hurts Hunter and unfortunately as Eber later sadly concludes when everything is over with, pushes Hunter deeper into Belos’s arms

Ow.

I usually figure that Belos kept Hunter pretty isolated and it didn't matter much when Hunter was a kid because he was being trained as a scout along with everyone else, so there are chances people didn't even know he was Belos' nephew, even if it was quite unusual for a powerless kid to be in there.

The possibility that he did interact with them is painful tho... I could imagine Eber being good with kids because they know how to be patient and they're also used to beasts here and there being somewhat rowdy so a little kid? Is nothing compared to that. All the other Coven Heads were NOT interested in entertaining a little kid or they were probably kinda creepy and Hunter didn't want to get close to them (looking at you, Terra), so he probably would have started approaching Eber more than anybody else, and unfortunately for him, that means Darius as well.

I can't imagine Darius did anything different than what he did later on, aka, simply ignore him and not give him the time of day, which he could excuse very well because he's a Coven Head, he has his responsibilities and he can't just spend his time entertaining a kid that isn't even his, least of all the Emperor's nephew who presumably should be well taken care of. Technically he's royalty.

But of course, Eber of all people wouldn't buy the "oh, I'm just not paid to be a babysitter" and would notice something else is up with Darius' reactions and as bubbly as the kid is, it's not like he knows him personally so between his friend/sibling and a random kid... well. Eber keeps his loyalties.

I'm thinking he might not have even intended to be that hostile initially but say, maybe when Hunter officially became the Golden Guard, Darius was particularly tense for obvious reasons and Hunter approached which made Eber react out of instinct and... well. It worked, Hunter backed off and Darius looked a little calmer and Eber kinda didn't think about it further than that.

I know the technical reason why Hunter points out Darius and Eber in his palismen logs and none of the others probably has to do with them being the only Coven Heads that had been properly introduced at that point, plus the rebels, but it's sad to think too he always noticed them in particular even then because they were the nicest anyway even if they were avoiding him like the plague. He knows they don't want him around, but they're still the closest thing he had to a friendly presence around, which is just depressing but what about his life isn't anyway...

[numericalbridge]

About Darius taking responsibility for the Emerald Entrails in ASIAS

>This is absolutely a headcanon reading based on overthinking and overanalyzing minute details. I don't think the creators had actually thought any deeper than moving the plot and emotional bits from one place to another when they made Darius collect the kids (and it's ok, i think there are several very intentional moments that point to Darius being a good guy in that episode, and those are more important, but that's a topic for a different meta).

>But since the fandom has no problem using headcanon readings based on outright absense of information to paint Darius in the worst possible light, and everyone takes it as THE canon, why can't I write a positive interpretation? At least i realize that my reading is not the ultimate canon, and i try to somewhat base it on what information we have about the characters and the world😁.

So, when Hunter calls Darius, why does Darius even go out of his way to call the scouts and then collect the kids personally?

He certainly doesn't have to do it. He can tell Hunter that it is Hunter's own responsibility to deal with the potential recruits, or he can just stall for time and arrive much too late because "he was busy". Wouldn't it be better if Hunter fails to apprehend the children - both for the interests of the rebellion and for Darius's personal gratification, especially IF Darius is constantly as spiteful towards Hunter as he was just after he saw the previous Golden Guard's sigil? (If it is Darius' usual attitude wouldn't he also be spiteful in the phone scene, or gleefully telling Hunter to finish the mission by himself, instead of just acting annoyed/exasperated? Hmmm... but this is also a topic for another meta.)

From Darius' perspective what would happen if he doesn't collect the kids/the scouts don't collect the kids?

The likely scenarios are:

Either Hunter actually convinces someone to join the Covens - and it's not the best thing from the rebellion's perspective or moral grounds, but it can't be a lot of recruits, and there is a recruiting campaign going on anyway, so bothering with them might be unecessary. Or Hunter causes a scene and possibly someone - either he or other kids - gets hurt; maybe even teachers and parents and random scouts get involved. Actually a potential scandal like this might be a bad PR for the Emperor's Coven or cause a divide between the Emperor and his nephew (i assume that most people who know that they are related also think that Hunter is the heir to the throne), so, again, is it necessary to bother?

But Darius choses to get involved, even though at the moment it might be better not to attract attention to himself - both because of the rebellion, but also just in general potentially getting tangled in some public scandal won't be great, right? Especially with the front Darius puts on of someone who doesn't care and hates to be bothered. So why does he decide to get involved? Maybe you can say that he thinks that afterwards Hunter might shift the blame on to him for giving him the mission. Only Darius is planning to let the children go anyway, and that's something that he can be potentially blamed for (if Hunter doesn't change his mind), so it doesn't seem like he is afraid of it. So, instead, maybe he gets involved because he has morals and doesn't want the children - whether the random kids or Hunter - to get hurt.

And, while we don't know how exactly Darius's teleportation ability works (there should be some limitations obviously), he can probably sneakily teleport the kids away from the cells without anyone noticing. Then he doesn't need to be publicly involved. Just have the random scouts who guarded them take the fall... But maybe Darius is willing to take the full responsibility for those children, instead? Maybe he even realizes that the whole situation was caused by him and sees it as his responsibility to fix it without anyone getting hurt.

Also, if the kids just escape on their own, they will likely involve their parents/teachers, and there might be a real search for them by the scouts/Hunter/EC. And, again, it's bad publicity for the government, but in theory it's won't be a bad situation for the Empire's enemies... except that maybe Darius doesn't want to see the kids get hurt.

So, what was his original plan before Hunter intervened on the Blimp?

With the previous part in mind, while i think it is possible that Darius could have planned to let the kids escape once they were closer to Hexside (or more like, i don't think the writers thought very deep about it). I think it's more likely that he would have let them attempt to escape several times, stop the attempts (though he might've underestimated them, lol), then he would declare them unsuited for the Coven and drop them off at school. Then they know that they are free to go because the authority figure let them go, only Darius would likely need to explain himself in the Castle about his decision and why he went against the Golden Guard's judgement.

And I think his plan after the Blimp crashed was the same: if Hunter doesn't intervene Darius scares them, 'decides' they are unfit for the Covens and lets them go. (I know the fandom decided he was actually full on angry in that scene, but i had that scene screenshoted for drawing, and he was already smiling while 'fighting' Willow, and he could have easily incapacitated/restrained them with the abomination - he had a big abomination right behind them - if he wanted; but instead the abomination was just surrounding the kids' rather gently with its arms. Bonus: I like how Darius wasn't even restraining them on the Blimp at all, only the palismen).

Conclusion?

So according to this reading, Darius is taking full responsibilty for the children, even while he knows there might be questions about his judgement and why he overrode the Golden Guard's authority, even when it is easier to just do nothing and simply let Hunter fail or have Hunter and the scouts take the fall for the escape.

And, maybe he only cares about the other children, and Hunter isn't on his mind, but... somehow he isn't really spiteful or gleeful about the situation when he talks to Hunter from the Blimp (after he just collected the kids from the cell). Maybe he throws the cloak at Hunter in a mean way and looks somewhat strict, but mostly he looks sad and disappointed. [And that scene was absolutely intentional imo, and the first time i watched it that's what made it clear to me that Darius wasn't 100% on the Emperor's side, but again a topic for another time.] And if Darius was always acting the way fandom portraits him, he could have easily put down Hunter's judgement right there too, in public, just gleefully mock him and his recruitment attempt right there (or at least look smug that Hunter confirmed his previous judgement). Then tell the other children to get out of his face, not bother delivering them back by himself.

Idk, to me all this doesn't look like the behaviour of a character who is knowingly complicit in child abuse.🙄

[ispridestillasin]

Okay, so in Part One of my Alador divorces Odalia Early AU I established Adrian and Alador getting together and hinted at Darius and Co. coming into the picture. Here’s (vaguely) how that goes. It’s pretty long though, so I put it under a cut so people could scroll past it. Have fun everyone!

At this point in the story, Alador and Adrian have been dating for around 6 months. Alador knows that Adrian is a new Coven Head and Adrian knows that Alador is working for a small company.

The thing about their relationship though, is that they’re both only just starting to realize that they're getting serious. Adrian initially started their relationship on a whim to get back at Darius for dropping him (Yeah they were fling buddies and then Darius cut him off, I’ll explain better later), and Alador just started it as a way to kickstart him getting over Odalia for good (Real healthy, I know). Now, though, Adrian’s realized that he’s caught (ugh) feelings for Alador, and Alador is starting to fall for Adrian. At first, Adrian tried to ghost Alador for a bit to distance himself and see if he could manage to shake the feeling. That didn’t work though and just made both him and Alador sad. So now Adrian decides that if Alador and his kids are going to be a part of his life, he’s going to make sure that Alador never sees the fucked up side of his personality.

Enter: Darius, Eberwolf, and the circus that’s the Coven Heads.

One day Alador asks Adrian if he can take care of Amity for a few hours, as he’s going to be a chaperone for the twins' school field trip and isn’t allowed to take Amity with him. Amity’s usual sitter was out of town and Alador didn’t feel comfortable leaving Amity with someone he hadn't fully vetted. Adrian’s a bit worried but agrees to take care of her for a few hours. Everything was going fine for the first few hours. Amity was left to play, and when she asked, he would play being her other doll. (“Oh now princess. The spell is too strong. How ever will I escape?” “I’ll save you, Princess!”) Just when he finished feeding her (and gave her a slice of fairy pie as a bribe to clean up her toys), he received a summon from the Emperor’s Coven.

Adrian briefly contemplates getting Amity a sitter, before deciding not to. Alador already said he didn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with a random person, and really, Adrian had no idea where to even find a babysitter. So he decides to take Amity (who’s covered in fairy pie stains) to the coven meeting with him. Worse comes to worst, he can hand Amity over to one of the scouts and tell them to stand outside the door and watch her.

So Adrian shows up to the coven meeting with Amity in tow (and stained clothes, but he doesn’t know that yet).

So Adrian shows up with Amity in tow just as Head Witch Scooter shows up. The Bard Coven Head and the rest of the Coven Heads in the room do small talk before one of them asks why Adrian has a child with him (Scooter and Lilith are concerned about a child's proximity to Terra - I would be too - while the rest are just curious). Adrian’s about to answer (and probably about to piss them off), but just before he can Belos walks in (accompanied by the current Golden Guard, RIP Baby). Adrian quickly tells Belos that this will be the only time that Amity will appear at a meeting as he couldn’t find anyone to look after her on such short notice. Belos simply hums and tells Adrian that will be the only time that he will be allowed to have her in the meeting, as these are high-security meetings involving matters of the state (or Isle, I guess?). And yes, it does sound like a threat.

Meanwhile, Darius is mentally going ‘why the fuck is Blight going behind Odalia’s back with THIS’ throughout the entire meeting. Darius has no idea that Alador and Odalia are divorced, as Alador kept the fact that he's divorced on the DL. So Darius has no idea that Alador is divorced and thinks Alador is being blatantly obvious about his “affair”. He spends the entire meeting coming up with increasingly conspiracy theory-like ideas for why Adrian might be dating Alador and why he brought Amity to the coven meeting. Eventually, he has to accept the fact that A) Alador has questionable taste in people and B) Adrian really was just playing babysitter for the night.

Adrian agrees to Belos's thr-I mean request, and the coven meeting begins. The entire meeting is basically a mix of the Coven Heads going over Very Important and Serious Matters while also trying to put each other down/subtly threaten each other. (At one point someone points out Adrian’s stained clothes. Adrian looks at them like he’s going to murder them while still holding a fairy-pie-stained Amity who tugs on his hair.)

So the meeting proceeds and everyone gets to witness Adrian and Darius passive aggressively putting each other down every five minutes (Adrian is awfully smug for someone who has a toddler trying to chew their hair and covered in stains). Eberwolf lets Darius do his mental gymnastics while they take notes on the meeting because they love the chaos. Meanwhile, Belos is letting them get away with their interruptions/tangents because it amuses him to watch his subordinates fight each other, and hey, if everyone's too busy fighting each other then they won’t be looking too closely into what the Day of Unity actually means (too late babe, the Golden Guard is onto your lying ass!).

When the meeting is over, Adrian skips the Post-Coven Meeting drinking tour/meet up (just look at who’s in those coven meetings and try to tell me they don’t have one, I dare you) to drop Amity off and arrives at Blight Manor to Alador making dinner and the twins trying to help. Alador apologizes to Adrian about not hiring a sitter (Adrian left Alador a note about the coven meeting). Adrian says everything turned out fine, but that this would be the only time Emperor Belos would allow Adrian to attend a Coven meeting with Amity in tow.

And now I’m going to cut this off because if I don’t this post is going to get too long. Here’s to hoping that I post Part 3, AKA the Break Up Arc, soon. (Knowing me it probably won’t be for another few months. Sorry.)

[fluffyfranny]

Cookies of Salem AU Pt.4: The Coven

As you ready yourself to retire for your first night, an envelope is slid underneath your door.

This was your third of the evening; the first two detailing the threats that were the Mafia and the select few Neutral parties that wished for the existence of this Town to either become their domain or to be wiped off the map.

Nevertheless, you sigh to yourself as you pick up the envelope, break the seal and slide the paper out.

Inside, in bold, scratchy writing, reads as follows:

"Good evening, fellow citizens! This is your Tracker, Crunchy Chip Cookie, here with an urgent message to pass along!

Upon myself and the rest of our troops settling in for the night, I decided to trek out into the wilderness with my trusted Cream Wolves to scout out the area and make sure it is safe!

My friends... it is anything but safe.

My troops picked up on a rather... all too familiar scent that reeks of trouble. A stench of treachery, an odor of betrayal, if you will!

We have another party to worry about... The Coven.

Under the thickest of cover to make sure nobody was spotted, I managed to gather enough intel on everybody I could see through the brambles that guard their supposed resting grounds.

And, folks, we've dealt with similar evils as these individuals, so stay sharp! We will persevere in the name of Salem!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cookie Coven

Coven Leader: Dark Enchantress Cookie

-Having already established her reign and a reputation for installing fear, this mistress of all evil has decided to take her duties elsewhere, and deciding to start small in this little town called Salem.

Well, in the woods around the little town called Salem.

For, when the crimson moon rises, she and her troublemaking troupe leave their houses amongst everyone else's to conspire what sorts of trickery they can stir up. And for the headmistress, she has a preference for putting unfortunate-enough Cookies under her spell and reading everything through their eyes: their role, those they side with, who they wish were dead, etc.

And if she sees herself there, she will not take their own existence too lightly...

Hex Master: Pomegranate Cookie

-A sorceress at heart, Pomegranate Cookie loves nothing more than using her talents for good, in her Master's eyes, of course, by planting curses on every non-Coven associated Cookie, even those that may seek a pitiful alliance with the likes of Dark Enchantress Cookie and her lackeys.

And once all have been afflicted, like the Arsonist, all it takes is one wave of her mirror and a snap of her fingers to wipe them all out.

Just as her Master wishes...

Medusa: Longan Dragon Cookie

-After a deep slumber, nothing would satiate the Ivory Dragon more than to return the world to rock and stone, just how it was in the time of the Dragons.

When Cookies were nothing to them...

His decorative eyes accompany him as he journeys from the bushes to the ring of homes that make up Salem, before rooting himself at a random house and beckoning everybody, even the homeowner, if they happen to be there, to approach him before the eyes glimmer and flash, encasing the Cookies into stone statues, former remnants of themselves...

Still, to this day, Cookies mean nothing to him...

Necromancer: Licorice Cookie

-Much like Blackberry Cookie, except wishing to impress his idol, Dark Enchantress, Licorice prefers to utilize dead Townies in a more grotesque way...

By calling them 'zombies!'

Sure, Blackberry does similar things with her abilities and uses only corpses of Townies to do good deeds after they've passed on, but Licorice prefers to use those of sinister, evil-roled Cookies to sow more seeds of chaos across Salem!

Plus, the name 'zombie' is plenty scary! Right? They're totally not just crumbled remnants of their former friends, back with a thirst for jam...

Right?

Poisoner: Poison Mushroom Cookie

-Their duty is in their name; sweet, unsuspecting Poison Mushroom Cookie just wants to be your friend... how could you say no?

They also want to show you their friends, the poison spores!

And a day after you meet them, you'll keel over while turning blue in the face! Doesn't that sound just peachy?

"Heeey... you look fuuun! Wanna shroomie?"

Potion Master: Matcha Cookie

-Having brewed tea her entire life, Matcha Cookie wanted to spice things up to feel more like a witch. So, she turned to potions!

Whether to heal, cause physical harm to or reveal the exact role of her target with her brews is up to her, depending on if she wishes to lure unsuspecting Cookies into siding with her so their defenses are low when the Coven goes to rid of them permanently...

Or to go through with the dirty work and save time by blowing their cover or eliminating them on the spot. In any case, she has her fun.

"Hehehe! Run, run as fast as you Cookies can! Heehee!"

[herobrinna]

its 2 in the mf morning and i had the worst TOH au idea so im gonna scream it to the void:

ok so instead of Luz, a travel agent who just lost their job finds their way into the isles and decides to make a deal with Eda to open up a tourism thingy to the Boiling Isles. Eda being a lot more chaotic at the start of the show obviously agrees, and they decide to split whatever profits between them.

but then how do you convince people of this hole other real (especially with its portal being at some abandoned house)? well at first its advertised as funky lil art project, with tours pretty much just being of Eda's backyard and priced pretty cheaply. but as it becomes more popular people realise that - holy shit, none of these things are props, and are actual real things, so it goes viral and tours expand into local towns (or well, just Bonesborrough), and the price for these tours skyrockets.

see at first Eda and travel agent guy manage to keep this business kinda hidden, like with Eda being a criminal she should know when and where scouts patrol around town, so tours would be done with careful scheduling in place to make sure no scout notices, plus with very small groups at a time. and with how the local demons and witches dont notice, well who would honestly believe that random groups of humans are appearing. but shit starts to go down when the youtubers start visiting.

see they immediately start doing stupid shit for views, like going into the wilderness for a 24 hour survival challenge or something, and as Eda and travel agent guy are starting to struggle to keep this from getting out to the emperor's coven, some youtuber completely blows their cover with a "Trying to Sneak into the EMPREROR'S CASTLE at 3AM" challenge.

during this hole time Belos was so peaceful, the Day of Unity was just a few months away and everything was going exactly to plan, so he was focussing on finalising the draining spell or something, completely at bliss on the shit happening. at least up until some humans break into his castle, screaming at the top of their lungs into some device hes never seen in his life. and of course hes pissed and tries to figure out what the hell is going on.

and once he does he is just seething with rage, this is exactly what he was trying to prevent all his life! now these innocent souls are getting bewitched by the devilspawn of this realm. he should have arrested Edalyn the second he suspect she might have the portal, he was such a fool to leave her with that thing.

but its ok, with the Day of Unity happening soon everything will be fine, and he can lead these poor souls back on the righteous path.

or so Belos thinks, until human governments get in touch.

see with videos from tourists going viral the hole world was watching in awe at the "discovery" of this new realm, governments around the world especially, and when it was deemed safe, they decided to make first diplomatic contact.

so all of that because i made this stupid edit:

and man poor Belos is confused shitless. all his life he thought he was gonna go back to the human realm as a hero, witch hunter general, whatever, anything but as their leader. yet here he is.

and he hates absolutely everything, not only does he now have to face the fact that, yes the human realm did drastically change, but also people seem to be accepting witches (at least to an extent, which to Belos is absolutely disgusting)

so logically he thinks that the entire human realm got bewitched.

during this time whatever governments are attempting to share their technology and scientific innovations (and Belos is playing along, introducing them to magic for the time being). and with all the shit happening the eclipse comes and goes with no chance for Belos to go through with his plan. the humans seem to be too bewitched anyways, he reasons, if he went through his plan then and there, they would have painted him as a villain, no he needs to show them how evil witches truly are, so they end up regretting ever making contact with them. and once he finds out about the weapons of mass destruction humans have invented (so much more efficient than the draining spell!), he devises a new plan.

so once again he plays the slow game of earning people's trust, even letting witches emigrate to human countries.

see, as humans still werent used to magic they didnt have any precautions against it, so Belos could easily command a few witches to assassinate whatever major figures (like an illusion witch can make themselves go invisible, or an oracle witch can predict the exact time someone will be at an easy to get place, etc).

basically Belos starts ww3.

and i thought of a lot more about this but im tired now and cant be bothered to write so ehhh.

[chishiyas-wig]

Shattered

Chapter 4

On AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33934000/chapters/84386152

*Hunter walked through Bonesborough, wierded out by most of the things. He was done with his work and decided to go back but then he bumped into someone and fell*

Edric: Sorry, didn't see ya there!

*He held his hand out to Hunter, which he accepted*

Hunter: It's fine

*He looked at the boy, who had green hair. And there was a girl beside him*

Edric: I'm Edric Blight by the way. And this is my sister, Emira

*Ed gestured to the girl beside him*

Emira: Hi

Hunter: Hi?

Edric: What's your name?

Hunter: I'm are Hunter. Are you two twins?

Edric: Yep

Emira: But I'm the older twin

Edric: You're older by only 3 minutes, shut up

Emira smirked and Hunter quietly chuckled a bit

Edric: Say, Hunter, how would you like to join me and Em to cause some trouble?

Hunter: What kind of 'trouble'

Edric: Oh y'know, pull a few pranks on people, and other stuff...

Hunter: Uh..sure, I guess?

*What else was there to do? He was bored, and a cute guy offered him to hangout. 'Should I accept the cute guy's offer? Surely Lilith wouldn't mind if I went back to the raven house a bit late-wait did I just call him cute? I-'*

Emira: Great! Come with us~ _

They took him to the conformatorium and explained that they were gunna prank the warden*

Hunter: You sure this is a good idea?

Edric: Of course, Em and I pulled a lot of pranks on the warden before

Emira: We're gunna make him believe that the coven head, Eda Clawthorne, loves him. Eda hates him but the warden still simps for her

Edric: And we got a plan

Hunter: Ok..what exactly is your plan?

*Ed smirked, got out a letter from his pockets, and made an illusion that made them look like coven scouts*

Edric: Got it?

Hunter: So all we have to do is give this fake love letter to the warden, hide, and spy on him?

Emira: Mhm

Hunter: Alright...

-

*The three of them managed to blend in and give the warden the letter. He read it and then squealed*

Warden Wrath: Ohmygosh she finally asked me out! I knew she would confess her feelings to me one day!

Warden Wrath: You two-

*he pointed at the twins*

Warden Wrath: -come with me! And you-

*he pointed to Hunter*

Warden Wrath: Go and keep an eye on the prisoners

*Hunter looked at the twins who quietly told him to go and that they'll be back for him soon. He nodded and left*

-

*He walked around and suddenly, the illusion disappeared*

Hunter: ..shit...

*he heard someone coming and he entered the first door he saw*

*Hunter looked around and saw..cells*

Katya: Hey blondie!

Hunter: Huh?

*he looked over to a cell where a girl whose hair looked similar to Lilith's was*

Katya: How'd you get out of your prison?

Hunter: Oh, I'm not a criminal-

Katya: Neither are we! The stupid warden likes to lock people up

Hunter: Why?

Katya: I dunno! All I did was write food about fanfiction~

Hunter: Ok well that's kinda wierd but how is it a crime?

Katya: It isn't!

Hunter: It isn't what?

Katya: It isn't wierd, and it's not a crime!

Tiny nose: The world is a simulation! We-

*he looked to the cell besode the girl where this small white creature with orange hair was*

Katya: Yeah she's really into conspiracy theories

Hunter: Sooo...none of you actually did anything wrong

Katya: Exactly!

Hunter: Well, I'll try to get you out

*He tried pulling the leavers but he couldn't*

Hunter: I-I'm not strong enough

-

*Ed and Em watched as Warden Wrath prepared for his "date"*

Edric: Sooo do we just watch him?

Emira: I guess...like, what else do we do? We can't just leave

*The Warden started singing some random wierd song and the twins cringed internally*

Emira: I hate him

Warden Wrath: What was that?

Emira: Nothing!

*and then the illusion disappeared*

*Warden Wrath gasped*

*the twins looked at each other*

Ed&Em: oh shit

Emira: Edric didn't you cast the spell properly?!

Edric: I did!

Warden Wrath: Shut up! What are you two troublemakers doing here?

Edric: Uhhh-

Emira: Oh look at the time! Aren't you gunna be late for your date?

*She quickly cast an illusion on the clock before the Warden looked*

Warden Wrath: I could've sworn it was 4PM right now--I'll deal with you two later!

*he left and the twins sighed*

Edric: We should go get Hunter

*they cast another spell and headed to where Hunter was*

-

Emira: Hunter!

*He turned and saw them*

Hunter: Oh hi. Did the illusion disappear for you two as well?

Emira: Yeah, apparently Edric cast the spell wrong-

Edric: No idea how that happened

Hunter: Can you help me get them out?

Edric: We could try I guess

*it took a while but they were able to get them out*

Katya: I-thanks. But the Warden would probably catch us anyway

Tiny nose: Yeah..thanks

Hunter: Hol'up, I can't just leave you here. You need to be free

Katya: He'll catch us again. He always does

Hunter: It doesn't matter. Be free for as long as you can!

Katya: ..fine

*All of them managed to escape the conformatorium after Emira put an illusion of them*

Katya: Thanks again, bye

Tiny nose: bye!

Hunter: Today was fun

Edric: Yeah

Emira: Hope we meet again. Bye~

Edric: Cya around cutie!

*Hunter blushed. 'Did he just-OH WAIT I HAVE TO BACK TO LILITH'*

Hunter: Byeee!

[voidselfshipp]

DEPTH STRIDER

Chapter 2

pt3 time off

/~~~~~~~~~~\

Jer stands up wiping her tears.

--Well I do have a way of going out of here, but you guys May not like it

--honstly I just want to go back to Australia--miss Pauling says.

Jeri snorts and giggles a little.

Spy,sniper and medics heart warm at the sound of the giggles.

--Okay,okay here I go-- she walks up to the shore, not exactly knowing how to call for help to her family.

So she just freezes.

Oh boy.

She bets her aunt and sister are laughing like a witches coven.

--Uh jerico?--before scout can say anything a huge orca jumps out of the sea.

It waits a couple meters from the shore.

Thank the gods.

--I didnt think it was THAT type of 'you May not like It'--Pauling says amazed.

Jerico raises her shoulders as she walks over to the orca, sitting on its back helping the rest up.

--i dont know about this-- sniper says holding onto one of the fins.

Jeri smiles at him --Trust me on this one

She softly kicks the orcas side, who deep dives into the Ocean.

The mercs wait up to drown,but when they inhale...its Like normal Air.

Jer looks at them as the animal swims.

--See? Its okay!

They defenetly need some time off.

At everyones surprise, once back at the shore they all end up staying in snipers farm, seeing as his house was the only safe place for all of them.

--How come you have a motorcycle?

Scout Asks.

--DO NOT TOUCH HER --jer slaps his hand away.

The three of her cats hand her her fluffy jacket, she puts it on, and grabs her pets, entering the house.

She stays on the sofá,knees to her chest,the cats all asleep besides her.

Sniper finds her asleep shortly after, she picks her up bridal style, with a soft smile on his face.

She looked so pacific like that.

He walks to his room,the cats following him,leaving her in his bed, covering her up.

Jer snuggles into the covers.

They smelled like him.

The mercs Keep it down for the rest of the evening.

Jerico feels a soft knock on the door.

--Jerico?--Thats spys voice-- are you awake...?

--Kind of--She says--Why?

--dinner is almost ready, we are waiting for you

--Ill be there in a bit...

She sits up, her cats mewl and rest on her lap, the black cat,void, stretches and jumps on her shoulder, snuggling their head against her neck.

--Yeah I should get changed huh?

And so she does.

A nice, long black skirt,a shirt and a dark green turtleneck that had the shoulders exposed.

She lets her hair down and smiles looking at herself in the makeshift mirror in snipers room.

She grabs her jacket and walks downstairs.

--Alright whats all the fuss about!--jer exclaims leaving her jacket in a Seat.

The men around her turn to see her.

None of them uttert a single word.

She looked gorgeous.

--okay now that im awake, shoosh, ill make dinner

None of them talked back and just decided to hang out in the living room.

--Uh excuse me?--medic enters the kitchen--Can I help

They still had some issues to resolve

Yet, jerico nodds --Sure, we need to add some spices to this!

They both start talking about random things, trying to lighten up the mood.

--You look, very pretty-- the german Man fixes his glasses--

--Thanks med,you look way better without that coat

Both chuckle and he looks away.

He then grabs her hand.

--I just vanted to say sorry--he finally admits--i dont usually regret my actions, but, zhis time is different..., do jou zhink you can forgive me?

--i really dont know medic,but I guess I can try

Both smile and look at eachother,she squeezes his hand and lean in.

--OI! WE HUNGRY HERE!-- scout screams from the living room.

After dinner jerico goes outside, and sits on the Grass.

She sees the moon shining, it looked beautiful, she looks down and closes her eyes.

She was thinking of her family, and what a thing the world is.

She feels a peck of a beak on her hand.

She opens them up and looks at the eagle.

--Hey dad... nice to see you

The eagle caws, as a Ferret climbs to rest on her lap--oh...aunt life,hey

She also sees an owl that rests on a nearby branch

--And aunt chronos

And more and more animals came by, a spider and a bat to name a few.

--The whole family came by, Nice to see

A huge black snake wraps around jericos arm--hey lilith , so whats up?

*we know youve been giving those guys bedroom eyes* now the eagle didnt talk, but jeri understood perfectly.

*yeah* a raven said *life and I voted on the frenchman*

*nonsense!* the snake hissed *Ray and I know the german dude Will win!*

The bat and the spider roll their eye(s) *come on* they say *the aussie is in it to win it*

If anyone were here to see this they would be a little freaked out.

*whatever Twats say* the black cat announces *I say the texan Man wins!*

--Can we not talk about this?!--jericos face is red as a tomato.

Yet her family doesnt understand, so she stands up, leaving the snake and the Ferret on the Grass and walks inside.

She doesnt have any time to deal with that.

[chopperiv]

Alien Covenant Is Bad

I tried to think of a clever title. I failed.

I saw Alien: Covenant the other day and I figured I’d write up some of my thoughts, because holy hell this movie is bad. If you’re an Alien fan, this movie is going to piss you off. Hell, if you’re a fan of good moviemaking and horror films in general, this film will piss you off.

Spoilers abound ahead, so either see the movie first (please don’t, spare yourself the pain) or give up on caring about Alien: Covenant spoilers. Also this is going to be long, I’ve got a lot of shit to say and there is so much wrong with this movie that this is basically going to read like a plot synopsis. Here we go.

The movie starts with a short scene where the film’s main antagonist, the android David 8 from the previous film Prometheus, is activated for the first time. It’s basically just there to set up that David is in this movie. I have no problems with this scene, especially since David’s played by Michael Fassbender and I love that guy.

The problems actually start with the next scene, on the colonist ship Covenant. Walter, another android played by Fassbender (he’s a later model, more advanced but with less emotion), goes around the ship checking on all the colonists and crewmembers in hypersleep. Then he activates the solar sails to recharge the ship’s power supply, and we get to our first major misstep. For some reason, the star in this solar system...does...something? which causes a “neutrino burst”, which is basically a big wave of stuff that blasts the Covenant and fucks a bunch of shit up. The crew is awakened due to the emergency, but the captain (James Franco, absolutely wasted since he, well...) dies when the inside of his hypersleep pod explodes into flames. (Seriously, I didn’t even know it was Franco until a scene after this where the female lead, Katherine Waterston, watches a video message from him. That is all the screentime he gets. His hypersleep pod immolates him, and then he says hi to his wife while rock-climbing in a video.)

The reason this is a misstep is because the “neutrino burst” is just...a thing that happens. It isn’t set up (it’s not even like it’s something established in any of the other movies), its only purpose it to get the plot where it needs to be, and it’s described as being “a completely random event”. This becomes important later, hold on to that.

So now that James Franco is dead, command of the ship is transferred over to Billy Crudup, who is a complete and utter moron. I cannot stress that enough. The only bad thing that happens in this movie that isn’t a result of his stupid decisions is the neutrino burst. He tells the crew they can’t have a funeral for the dead former captain because...uh...he’s an idiot, but they do anyway. This makes him mad. He whines to his wife (everybody on this ship is married to someone else on the ship, but that’s never mentioned) about how the company passed him up to be the ship’s captain and he thinks it’s because of his religion. That is garbage, you idiot. It’s because you’re a moron who couldn’t be trusted to competently lead a Boy Scout troop. This whole religious thing is mentioned one more time in the movie. It is just as jarring and out of place there too.

Anyway, a couple of the crew go outside the ship to repair the solar sails, when one of them, Danny McBride (who is named Tennessee. Really. I don’t even need to think of a snarky nickname for him, they actually call him Tennessee.) gets some kind of weird transmission from a nearby planet. When they get back in the ship, they decipher the transmission to be a recording of a woman humming “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver.

What.

Now, this is kind of silly, but in this movie this is just kind of the goofy icing on the cake. Of course Tennessee immediately recognizes the tune a garbled transmission is humming, because plot, and they decide it would be a good idea to go to the nearby planet and figure out where the transmission came from.

BUT WAIT. That isn’t actually why they go to the planet. No, that would at least make a little bit of sense. They decide to go there...because this planet is basically Earth But Better. The gravity is only slightly less than Earth’s and the air is breathable, so the ENTIRE CREW (except for Waterston’s character, who is our resident Not-Ripley) decides “fuck the original colonization spot, this place looks great. Let’s go check it out.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET BACK IN YOUR SLEEPYTIME PODS. This is not a negotiable thing. You have been sent on a mission by the series’ local Mega-Corporation. You are all trained god damn professionals. Mark the spot of this so-called miracle planet on your star charts, make a log noting it, and continue on your way. Now let’s bring back that whole “random event” thing: one of the reasons stated for the crew wanting to go to this planet rather than continue on is because they don’t want to risk another neutrino burst happening. WHICH IT WON’T. Two reasons: 1, the burst was a random fucking event, meaning it’s highly unlikely that a second one would be happening any time soon, and 2, if you keep moving towards your destination, you won’t be anywhere near the scary explosive star anymore! That seems like the more logical choice if you’re worried about star burps!

Oh yeah, and they try to explain why they hadn’t found the planet before. One of the characters says that the Mega-Corp scanned this area of space incredibly thoroughly. And he makes sure to stress they couldn’t possibly have missed it. So what’s the explanation for why this planet went unnoticed?

“THEY MUST HAVE MISSED IT.”

That’s it. That’s all they say to wave away this idiocy. That is stupid. Are you beginning to understand why I don’t like this film yet? We haven’t even gotten to the Aliens themselves.

But no. After a brief argument with Not-Ripley, which basically boils down to “This is a really fucking bad idea.” “It definitely is and I have no good counterarguments other than we are lazy and this film is lazy,” Idiot Captain decides to go to the planet anyway to take a look around. We jump to them about to orbit the planet, and they say that the ionosphere around the planet will make communication difficult. But you know what’s garbage about this? This comes into play approximately once. In a moment that, iirc, nobody would have been able to answer the phone anyway. Why have it even impede communications in the first place if you’re not going to do anything with it?

Anyway they head down to the planet in a dropship, with Tennessee and two randos staying on the Covenant. Now, riddle me this: if you were going down as the first scouting team on a completely alien planet, one with tons of plant life and possible animal life, and new microscopic bacterial life that could absolutely fuck you up, what kind of gear would you bring? You’d bring full protective gear, right? Hazmat suits, maybe. Protective breathers and no exposed skin at the least.

NOT THESE FUCKOS. They look like they’re getting ready to go on a camping trip rather than explore an alien landscape. Maybe my joke earlier about Captain Idiot commanding a Boy Scout troop wasn’t too far off.

And guess what happens. Right off the bat, they split the party, with the professional botanist grabbing some samples and a bodyguard sticking with her. The bodyguard goes off to have a smoke, and while he does so, he accidentally steps on some mushroom pod thing. They release a bunch of black spores, which...coalesce into a single tiny cloud, fly into his ear, and burrow into his ear canal. This would not have happened if you’d worn actual protective gear, morons.

Meanwhile, in the main group, they find the source of the transmission. It’s a broken up recording of some lady (it’s incredibly hard to see if there are any recognizable facial features or not) while she...does...something? I dunno, there’s a room full of stuff and she appears to be controlling the room, though I can’t be sure because it’s just a recording and nothing is happening in this room. This is all we get for the transmission. It is completely dropped after this point. Not even confronting the villain later, asking if he sent it out to try and lure people to the planet or something. Nothing.

Somebody in the group shoves his face into a bunch more of the pod things and snorts up a cloud of spores. Soon both he and ear-spore-guy are puking blood, and they both are rushed back to the dropship. Ear-spore-guy gets there first, and he’s rushed to the dropship’s med bay. The mechanic, who was working on something that apparently broke when they landed, tries to help, but then...

Surprise! Alien time! Our first alien creature of the movie pops out of ear-spore-guy’s back, and by god the CGI is terrible on it. There’s a difference between “moving unnaturally” and “movement that clearly shows this is CGI”. Anyway, the creature is weirdly adorable. It looks like a creepy little puppy thing. It kills botanist-lady, but mechanic-lady manages to lock it in the medbay while she grabs a shotgun. This is after slipping in ear-spore-guy’s blood like a god damn Three Stooges routine and crushing her foot in the door as she tries to close it. I should not be laughing during the first big action scene, movie. And then...

Ugh.

Mechanic-lady missed EVERY SHOT SHE TAKES AT THE ALIEN and instead BLOWS UP THE ENTIRE DROPSHIP, herself included.

THIS FAILS TO KILL THE ALIEN.

The main group gets back just in time to watch the thing blow up. Snorty guy dies when another alien rips out of his throat. It and the alien from the dropship then murder the shit out of a couple of the group and Walter loses a hand protecting Not-Ripley. One of the aliens is killed, but suddenly, the remaining alien is driven off by...

David, the android from the beginning of the movie! Firing a flare gun into the air! Which...wait a fucking second.

This thing doesn’t have any fucking eyes. Why did the flare scare it off? I don’t get it.

Anyway David has long hair now, despite being a robot and therefore unable to grow hair. I don’t get this either. He tells the surviving crew members to come with him, and they all walk through a massive necropolis filled with hundreds of dead people, frozen mid-death. Uhhhh...is nobody going to mention this? No? Just going to keep following the creepy robot man? OK then. You are all idiots. Especially the captain. David brings them to his cool science lab area where he does cool science.

David basically says “yeah, go ahead and hang out here for a while. It’s cool.” He gives himself a haircut to make himself look more like Walter, and you already know what’s going to happen from that one line, don’t you? He and Walter bond for a while, and he teaches Walter to play the recorder. (It’s not a flute, guys. It’s a fucking recorder.) As he’s teaching him, he delivers the immortal line: “I’ll do the fingering”. Now...Mr. Fassbender. Michael. Mike. Please tell me: how many takes did that line take? How many times did you have to say “I’ll do the fingering”? How many times did you say “I’ll do the fingering” without anybody - you, Ridley Scott, the second you acting in this scene - saying “Maybe that line is kind of dumb, we should change it because it is dumb”?

...”I’ll do the fingering”. Jesus.

They get a radio set up to talk to Tennessee on the ship, and he asks to talk to his wife, aka Mechanic-Lady. They tell him she’s dead. His response is basically “Oh no! That sucks.” Nobody in this film ever reacts to somebody dying in a realistic way except maybe when they watch the aliens burst out of people, and it’s really obvious and annoying. He just found out his wife is dead! He should be absolutely hysterical, or at the very least, he should be sobbing. Nobody in this movie brought their acting A-game, it seems.

Except Michael Fassbender. That man is incredible. I give guff to the whole “I’ll do the fingering” line, but the scenes between Walter and David are absolutely the best in the movie, and it’s really cool to watch Michael Fassbender basically playing off of himself. There were a few times where I forgot that both Fassbenders were only in the shot due to movie magic. And he made each character seem genuinely distinct from the other with just their expressions and voices.

But enough about my love for Michael Fassbender. Another character, Madame McDipshit, decides now would be a good time to wander off from the group to go wash her face. And while I can understand wanting to wash the blood and gore of your former co-workers off your face, this is not the time, and you chose the absolute wrong place to do it. She goes so far away from the group (despite Captain Idiot’s warning for her not to go too far) that nobody can even hear her scream when the throatburster alien comes back, now fully grown, and rips her to pieces. It even decapitates her! Though that may be why she didn’t scream. Doesn’t explain how nobody heard the alien’s loud pre-kill screeching though.

David and Captain Idiot discover the alien eating Madame McDipshit’s headless corpse while her head floats in the pool she was washing her face in. Lovely. David tries to make friends with the thing, and it seems like he’s about to succeed, what with the alien standing up straight and seemingly calming down, not attempting to kill David or his deliciously fleshy human friend...and then Captain Idiot shoots it a bunch. It gets mad, he shoots it some more, and it finally dies. David gets pissed. Now comes the other moment of Captain Idiot’s religiousness: he says to David that he saw the devil when he was young, and he didn’t look like David. Uhhh...thanks for sharing? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Now, Captain Idiot has David at gunpoint. He’s already incredibly suspicious of him. And we know from both the original Alien and Prometheus that androids can function with only their head. Hell, in Prometheus it was David himself who was just a head. So what does Captain Idiot do? Does he shoot David, taking him offline so they can interrogate him later when he’s been made harmless? ...I’ve been calling him Captain Idiot, do you really think he’d make a rational decision like that? Instead Captain Idiot follows David down through David’s science chambers into some kind of underground tunnel. And guess what are in this tunnel? Facehugger eggs! And David, cool as anything, tells Captain Idiot “hey dipshit, stick your face in this egg. It’s totally safe. Trust me dude, have I done anything suspicious so far in this movie?”

So he does. And the audience laughs. And Captain Idiot gets facehugged. Congratulations you fucking moron. You had so many opportunities to avoid this fate, and you literally just walked into it. Congratu-fucking-lations.

Everybody who’s not Captain Idiot has decided “hey, you know what would be a good idea? Getting the fuck out of here.” And so they call Tennessee to get them out with a second dropship. Convenient! And while they’re...I dunno, playing solitaire? (I forget what they were doing, I saw this film a few days ago and all this has just kind of been stewing in me since then.) the chestburster in Captain Idiot pops out and it looks...nothing like the chestburster in the original. That thing was all pink and armless and weird and rather phallic. This chestburster is basically just an adult form - black, sleek, spindly arms - but...tiny.

And then it and David praise the sun together.

Yeah, they basically do this at each other. I guess David was making friends with it? It’s goofy and stupid and weird.

So you may have suspected it by now, but yes, this movie reveals that the Xenomorphs, the classic black aliens, the face of the Alien franchise (along with Sigourney Weaver)...are in fact NOT aliens. They are David’s creations. He took the black goo stuff from Prometheus, altered a bunch of insects with it, and they basically overran the planet until there were no animals left. He continued to refine his experiments into the spore pod things we saw in the beginning, and the facehuggers/xenomorphs we know and are terrified of.

This...

This is, without a doubt, the worst part of the entire movie.

Nobody was asking for the backstory of the Xenomorphs. Nobody. We watched Alien, and we all just accepted that there was a species of horrific black creatures that were really fucking good at killing things. Then Aliens gave us the Xenomorph queen, showing us how these creatures have a kind of insectoid hive structure. And that was fine. That was all we needed. Nobody asked any questions regarding how the Xenomorphs came to exist. We just kind of accepted that they do, and that’s all we needed or cared to know. But then this movie comes out, and suddenly, the title of this entire franchise is a fucking lie. If they were created by humans, or a human creation rather, then they’re not Aliens. Now, they’re Some Robot Guy’s Science Fair Project, which is a much lamer name for a franchise. That’s like if they made a sequel to, I don’t know, Titanic that revealed that the name of the ship in the original movie was actually the Bumfucker. Suddenly, there’s no reason for the movie to be named what it is! “Well, they’re still aliens because they came from another planet!” If a person was born on Mars, would they be an alien? No. It’s basically the same principle here. It’s a creation of Earth that happened to get started on another planet. They were Aliens before because everything about them was alien. They had no origin, no knowable motives, no thoughts or emotions, and they clearly didn’t look like something from Earth. But this movie gave them an origin. So now, they’re not alien anymore.

So David comes back upstairs, has another chat with Walter about how humans suck and robots are perfect and so much better. Walter, in turn, replies “Bitch, you thought ‘Ozymandias’ was written by Lord Byron when it was written by Percy Bysse Shelley. You’re not perfect, you don’t know SHIT.” Then David kisses him and stabs him in the neck, putting him offline. Walter doesn’t give a shit though, and reactivates as soon as David leaves the room. Then David finds Not-Ripley snooping through his stuff, and he kisses her. Neither Not-Ripley nor Walter are very happy about this, so Walter smashes him about the place for a little while and we get some sick Fassbender on Fassbender action. ...As in they fight. After the Fassbender-Fassbender kiss earlier I feel I should clarify.

Not-Ripley and the other survivors (one of whom nearly got facehugged while looking for the captain, but one of his buddies pried it off) make their escape to Tennessee’s dropship during the fight. Walter’s a newer model with regenerative capabilities (I guess his severed hand is more than he can handle though), so he basically no-sells everything David throws at him. He gets the upper hand and goes to smash David’s head in with a rock. David starts monologuing though, buying himself time to fumble for a knife out of Walter’s view. Walter lifts the rock as David gets his hand on the knife, and we cut away, not knowing who won the fight. Then Walter stumbles out of the science lab towards Tennesee’s dropship, so I guess that settles that cliffhanger. And hey! The Xenomorph shows up! It grabs onto the dropship as it’s taking off, and Not-Ripley fights it off while they try to get away. The Xenomorph is killed, they make it back to the ship ok, and everybody’s safe! Hooray!

Except the movie’s still going. It’s not over yet.

As Not-Ripley settles in for a good night’s sleep (you can sleep after all the shit that just happened? Damn.) the ship’s computer informs her that an unidentified life-form is roaming the ship. Turns out the guy that almost got facehugged got hugged long enough to get implanted with a chestburster. “Long enough” is apparently less than 5 seconds. Why did the thing stick around on John Hurt’s face so long in the original movie then? It was on there for a few hours. Argh.

Remember the two randos who were hanging out on the ship with Tennessee? Yeah, apparently they decided “all my friends and coworkers dying makes me horny. Let’s fuck in the shower.” The movie goes full slasher flick on us for a bit as the Xenomorph kills them. Those two characters could have been cut entirely and we would have lost practically nothing. Oh yeah, and for some reason we get some perspective shots from the Xenomorph’s POV while it’s crawling around in the ship. Remember my rant above about how the aliens are supposed to be alien? Yeah, this put the nail in that coffin. The Xenomorphs can apparently see just like we do! Though there is some weird goop in front of the camera. Still...it can see. Like humans do. It doesn’t have eyes. Rrrrgh. Long story short, Not-Ripley manages to eject the Xenomorph into space and all is well.

Until...omg! Walter was actually killed(?) by David and it’s David on the ship, not Walter! And Not-Ripley only figures this out as she and Tennesee, the only other survivor (yes, really) are going into hypersleep to continue their colonization mission (which they SHOULD have done to START WITH. Fucking Captain Idiot). David now has approximately 2000 colonists and thousands of human embryos to do his sick experiments on, and over 7 years before Not-Ripley is scheduled to wake up. Cliffhanger! Except...

How the fuck did David replace Walter? There was less than 30 seconds between the cut away from the end of their fight and the time when “Walter” showed up again heading towards the dropship. That means that in less than 30 seconds, David killed Walter, washed any of that white milky stuff androids in Alien have instead of blood off himself, stripped Walter, put on Walter’s clothes, and cut off his own fucking hand so that he could match Walter exactly. He even gave himself the battle damage Walter had sustained in their fight...which NONE OF THE CREW SAW. It was entirely for audience benefit. There is absolutely no way that David could have completely replaced Walter in that short amount of time. And it’s pretty much impossible to not see this coming. You can basically have David’s plan to kill and replace Walter pegged from the minute he cuts his inexplicable hair to better resemble Walter. Even if you didn’t have it realized from that point, the fact that they didn’t show David’s death would make the average astute moviegoer realize they’re going to reveal that David actually won the fight instead just to have the twist. It’s stupid and obvious and I need more words for stupid.

Anyway, since this is the end of the movie, that’s all I’m going to say about Alien: Covenant. I could probably say a lot more, especially if the movie was fresher in my mind, but hell if I’m going to go see it again. Do yourself a favour: Do not see this movie. It’s not even that good when viewed as its own movie and not part of the Alien franchise. I was able to predict four or five jumpscares in this movie down to the second. It’s really predictable. And they said “fuck” way too many times. I’m clearly not averse to foul language, but they were really flaunting their 18A rating and using the word way more than it needed to be used. This movie is not worth your time. I’ve already given you a basic plot synopsis anyway, so just reread this if you’re considering seeing the movie. Trust me, I’ve saved you money, time, and rage.

tl:dr: Alien: Covenant sucked and I hate it. Don’t watch it.

[popwasabi]

“Alien: Covenant” Review: Morons in Spaaaaace!

Directed by Ridley Scott

Starring: Katherine Waterson, Michael Fassbender, Danny McBride, Billy Crudup

 Many years back, the late great Roger Ebert introduced me to a blunt but nonetheless effective term in literature called the “Idiot Plot.”

The idiot plot, to put it simply, is basically when the plotline of a story only moves forward because the characters are dumbasses, who’s story’s plot would otherwise be over if they didn’t act like or make dumbass decisions.

“Alien: Covenant,” in short, is exactly this. Ridley Scott’s characters from beginning to end in this film make one moronic decision after another that basic common sense would have overridden quickly otherwise and ended the storywithin the first ten minutes.

There are good, even great moments to be had in this movie but unfortunately it’s swamped underneath a layer of stupid so thick you could pour it over pancakes.

(”Mmmmm…iiiiidiot plot… *drool sound*”)

A sequel to Ridley Scott’s convoluted “Alien” precursor “Prometheus,” “Alien: Covenant” tells the story of the crew of a colony ship  who sustain a tragic accident from a random neutrino blast that kills their captain on their way to a planet. During repairs the crew is suddenly alerted of what seems to be a human signal coming from a planet even more habitable than their original destination. Against the objection of first officer Dany Branson, the crew heads to what appears to be paradise on this forlorn planet but quickly uncover an unimaginable terror that threatens to kill them all if they don’t escape.

It’s a real shame that this movie wasn’t better because there are brief glimpses of brilliance within this very, for lack of a more eloquent word, stupid story.

Its visually as impressive as it gets both in cinematography and in special effects and Michael Fassbender once again is the best and most interesting part of the story, this time playing both a Data like android in Walter and reprising his role as David who has now gone full mad scientist. 

But again the dumb of the story is just baffling from start to finish.

Since its kind of impossible to properly give a review of this film without SPOILERS, you are all being warned now that the rest of this write-up will be filled with them so read on at your own risk.

(Complainers will be fed to whatever the hell that squid beast was from “Prometheus.”) 

Literally the Most Emotionally Unstable People Ever in Space!

I know this is science fiction and we’re all supposed to have a strong suspension of disbelief when venturing into this genre but I have a hard time understanding how whoever runs the show back on Earth in this universe could hire so many emotionally unhinged individuals to head a highly important space colonizing mission.

At the beginning of the film, after the random neutrino blast causes a freak accident which involves killing James Franco’s character before he even makes a real appearance, acting captain Christopher Oram (Billy Crudup) makes such a big deal about protocol that he gets angry about a section of the crew holding a FREAKING FUNERAL for the dead captain.

He then says something vague about the suits back on Earth not trusting him with the mission because he’s a “man of faith” (because, you know, this movie is all about faith and Gods, geeeet it? Oh and this never gets brought up again btw) but then suddenly when this random space message gets intercepted by the ship and they discover this habitable planet its coming from he’s like “FUUUUCK protocol lets endanger the lives of 2000 colonists by venturing to this planet that we haven’t scouted out at all and we only discovered through a spooky space message!”

So keeping score here; funeral for dead captain? Wrong and against the rules. Following a random space signal to a planet you haven’t scouted, mapped or verified while responsible for the lives of 2000 colonists? Totally ok and not against protocol.

This is the horror movie cliché equivalent of “Hey gang, we should totally go into that spooky house over there.”

(It didn’t…)

As if to further establish that this dude is a moron and should have never been second in command, let alone sent into space, he clearly had some vendetta going with James Franco’s character and a contentious relationship with Waterson’s Dany so once again I have to ask “Who the fuck let these people crew a space ship??” I don’t see NASA sending people with petty high school drama into space, I don’t expect people of the far future to either.

Fast forward a bit in the story, where members of the crew have been infected by the virus that is also the alien as well(?) we have a sequence of events where one neomorph (a genuinely creepy albino version of the xenomorph, I must admit) emerges from a crew member inside their drop ship’s med bay after one of the crew intentionally locks the other inside. 

Granted we have characters who are dealing with an emergence and horrific scene they have never trained for but judging by their military armaments and classifications it feels like all common sense and military action was thrown out the window out of stark fear as the two crew members in this scene play more as meat bags to get slaughtered than actual functioning people. It all ends in a hilarious “whoops” sequence when one of them in stark fright misses the neomorph and hits an open gas container (?) that ignites the ship into an explosion.

As Crudup poutingly remarks “It’s all my fault” while observing the fireball, I felt very tempted to yell out in the theater “Yes it fucking is!”

(Basically…) 

The Dumbest Astronauts Ever

As remarked on before, the Covenant crew’s emotional instability is staggering considering they are running a giant space colonizing mission and the choice to go colonize a strange planet that popped up out of nowhere that they know nothing about truly highlights this team’s lack of operational brain cells.

As it turns out in the movie this is the first of many bad ideas by the crew.

First, I may not be an astronaut but whether a planet has oxygen conducive to human life or not I ain’t stepping out onto a strange new world without wearing at least a haz-mat suit for fear of deadly microbes.

And this is more or less how the neomorphs come into play here. While walking around, members of the crew accidentally step on these little pods that happen to contain seeds of the neomorph. It’s the facehugger basically but in pollen form (?) and it basically makes its way into the host through the nose and of course shit hits the fan from there.

Literally, if these guys just follow what seems to be pretty normal protocol for space missions across the entire science fiction genre nobody gets infected and hell, the crew might even bounce after recognizing that the spooky alien space ship is the final resting place of the crew of the Prometheus (as they are established to be aware of). In fact why didn’t they run away regardless after seeing that?

(Yep, definitely nothing alarming about this on an unknown planet you received a space message from…)

But nope two members split into two and neomorphs go running about killing randomly with again members of cast just being in the movie to be meatbags, another common sense mistake in the plotline that would have otherwise saved our “heroes.”

Why the fuck do people still trust David??

Rewinding back to “Prometheus,” Noomi Rapace’s character Elizabeth Shaw made a series of dumb decisions in that movie too but perhaps her gravest mistake, as told in “Covenant,” was trusting the android David… AGAIN.

If you remember “Prometheus” everything goes wrong because David’s overly curious nature starts to boil over into mad scientist territory (even more so in this film) when he decides to experiment on the crew’s captain out of spite with the virus sample he obtains. Everything that goes wrong from there can be traced back to the android and yet still at the end of the movie instead of smashing David’s head with a rock (which btw begs the question how did Shaw repair David between movies??), Shaw decides to bring him along for the ride to confront the Engineers.

Fast forward to past midway into “Covenant,” Walter, the other android, confronts David after discovering he killed Shaw, possibly to conduct more experiments regarding the xenomorphs. Boy, I bet no one saw that coming…

(To be fair he is one handsome motherfucker. #nohomo)

Fast forward again, David has now revealed himself to Crudup’s character and instead of shooting him before he could fuck another crew over again and thus redeem himself a little after ordering the Covenant to this planet in the first place, he decides to follow David because he wants to know “answers.” 

The scene is basically only there for the exposition into why David is doing what he’s doing (though its not completely clear why still) but once again just an ounce of common sense, given the context here, would have more intelligent people going “Fuck your reasons!” and just shooting Fassbender in the face.

Instead Crudup walks into an obvious trap where even after seeing big scary aliens kill multiple members of his crew, he decides to look directly into an obvious xenomorph egg after David deviously says “its been waiting for you” and you know what happens next. 

A comical twirling mustache and a maniacal laugh would have really tied the whole scene’s ridiculousness together.

(”Deeerrrr, the evil android said it was ‘just for me.’ Daaawww how thoughtful of him. :3″)

How did Walter lose to David and how did David catch-up to the Covenant crew?

So after Walter first confronts David regarding Shaw (which has a fairly comical Fassbender kissing Fassbender sequence in it), David kills him by stabbing him in the neck with a flute which leads to a pretty hilarious split second image of Fassbender bugging his eyes out. It appears at this point Walter is dead, even though its been established in this series that Androids can sustain much worse injuries without ceasing to function.

(Like seriously, much worse…)

Anyways, Walter then appears to heal from his wound since his model has “upgrades” (which begs the question since this is a prequel why couldn’t Ash or Bishop do that?) and goes back to fight David in hilarious Fassbender on Fassbender action. At one point it appears Walter has David dead to rights, even punching him so hard that his voice box becomes garbled. But then David starts rambling about something, something perfect species or what not and we cut to Fassbender running toward the Covenant crew as obviously David masquerading as Walter.

The question here though is how did Walter lose? In the previous scene we see David reaching for a knife but we’ve already established Walter can heal from those kinds of wounds. Did he chop him into many little bits? If so how did he have the time to cut-up Walter, then melt off his own hand (Since Walter lost it to a neomorph earlier in the film), put on Walter’s clothes, then also freeze a couple of facehugger embryos to put in his stomach (which he regurgitates at the end of the movie), and also repair his voice box enough to mimic Walter’s voice, while simultaneously trying to catch up to the crew while also outrunning the xenomorph that’s already trying to catch them?

If he somehow persuaded Walter to join him, even though he tried that already during the first confrontation, he STILL has to do all those things before the xenomorph gets there.

(That does not make sense!)

This might seem a bit nitpicky but seriously this whole sequence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Soooo maaaany questions still…

One of the frustrating things about “Prometheus” is its too mysterious. It’s a prequel to “Alien” that answers nothing about the original and adds a shitload of questions instead.

Who are the Engineers? Why did they create humanity? Why do they want to destroy humanity? What is the virus exactly? How does it work? How does the virus make xenomorphs? Why do people run in a straight line from a falling space ship?

(Right or left! It’s not that fucking hard!)

“Covenant,” like its predecessor, answers none of these and again leaves the viewers with a bunch of confusing questions.

Why didn’t the Covenant space mission not originally discover this Engineer world while mapping out planets for colonization? Again why send so many emotionally unstable individuals into space? How did the weird alien pods start growing on this planet? If in “Prometheus” the virus just makes zombies out of male characters why does the space pollen create neomoprhs? Why did David decide to commit genocide on the Engineers? Was this the only planet a vast space-faring race like the Engineers lived on? How did David crash the ship after killing the Engineers? If David is the true creator of the xenomorphs as we know them now how did the engineer ship end up on LV-426? And how did those same xenomorphs eggs do the same?

I guess these questions can all be answered in the next movie but that’s what we all said about “Prometheus” too…

(Answer me, you handsome fuck! #noHomo) 

There’s more I could probably critique from here but this really is the meat of what’s terribly wrong with “Alien: Covenant.” 

Characters, who should be more intelligent than they are, make bad decision after bad decision in what would make even the most cliché horror films blush and narratively it’s a confusing mess that leaves too many questions for the viewers.

Even on a superficial level, watching “Alien” the night before this movie, its not even a fun horror romp either. This film certainly has a lot of blood and gore and death to go around but it has none of the qualities that made the original such a great thriller. The last act of the movie is basically a sped-up retelling of “Alien” and it lacks all the teeth, tension, suspense and claustrophobia of that movie. Characters are largely nameless in this story and get killed just the same. Without looking I could name three characters at best out of the Covenant crew and their interpersonal relationships. You sometimes even forget who’s still alive and who’s dead after awhile.

(Not even a good “Happy birthday!” jump scare!)

It’s a mess on a narrative scale and even as its basest isn’t a very good horror film either which is even more shameful.

There’s definitely worse movies out there but “Alien: Covenant” is among the dumber blockbusters to come out over the last couple years with plot holes so big a xenomorph could walk through them,

Maybe if “Bladerunner: 2049” turns out great we can have Dennis Villeneuve reinvent the “Alien” franchise next but until that time comes (hopefully) it appears Ridley Scott might want to go into cryo sleep and away from his properties for awhile…

VERDICT:

1.5 out of 5

Until next time…