#a perfect person that deserves only happiness and good fortune

[nandolonso]

UNDISCLOSED DESIRES (Fernando Alonso x Reader)

TITLE: Undisclosed Desires – aka who is the biggest fan of whom? (Fernando Alonso x Reader)

I got inspired after Baku. P6 BABY, LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO!

FYI: English is not my main language nor is Spanish. I’m sorry for any mistakes.

Word count: 4K

Warnings: self-doubt, self-image issues, kind of shy reader, reassuring and slightly dominant Nando (who worships the shit out of you), happiness, positive social media presence, Spanish, dirty talking and fingering, smuttish – I hope you enjoy it. 😉

Recommended song: Undisclosed Desires by Muse

Explanation: Y/N – your name, Y/H/C – your hair color

Also, this GIF is chef's kiss, his gaze is so intense. GOSH!!! 🔥 I hope you'll like it. Let me know what you think! ❤️‍🔥

//

It was race day in Baku.

You were sitting in the paddock waiting for Fernando Alonso to show up. Your boyfriend. It was hard to comprehend that he was your man, your partner. It was an unbelievable title – but it was true, he really was yours.

However, the last period has been challenging for both of you. On the one hand, Alonso has spent several periods away from you, as Aston Martin has struggled to get a good position in recent months. Of course, Fernando took his job very seriously, so he helped the engineers where he could. They did a lot of test laps, planning, thinking.

As for you: you were an average person. You were not a reporter or a supermodel. You were completely different from Alonso's previous partners. You were ordinary – in the best possible way. But it was a very difficult situation for you. You often questioned yourself: were you good enough? Were you good enough not only for yourself but for him? Where did you belong in this world? Especially seeing the other WAGs, and how pretty and thin they were… And you could go on. So, all that time you spent apart didn't help your already fragile mental state.

It was tough for you not to project your self-doubt onto him. And you hated yourself for it. Because there was nothing you wanted more than to be there to support him in every race. To be there for him, always. But a lot of times your state of mind, the media presence, and all the hustle and bustle didn't help you at all. That's why you stayed mostly in the background, as you didn't want Fernando to worry any more than he had been worrying lately.

Fortunately, Aston Martin recently managed to sign Adrian Newey to the team, and you could almost see the "life" returning to Fernando's eyes. The love of your life was shining as he entered the paddock: his stance was firm and confident, that mischievous smile at the corner of his mouth was back, and his gaze was sparkling with fire which you hadn't seen for a long time now.

You couldn't help thinking how good he looked. How he deserves to be world champion again. Your world champion. The thought made your chest tighten. You loved him so much it almost hurt. You wanted him to be happy and succeed so much – it was sometimes physically impossible to bear.

You have never felt this way about anyone, and you didn't want to lose him. You had been together for almost a year now, but you noticed your feelings for him growing every day. So, you thought this weekend was the perfect time to surprise him and actually show that. To be there for him not just mentally, but physically.

You pulled yourself together: you wore a custom Kimoa x Aston Martin shirt that fit your body perfectly. While you didn't have a supermodel figure, you were definitely gorgeous. You had a lot of heads turning in the paddock.  

Your Y/H/C hair glistened in the sunshine, your fingernails painted the typical "Aston Martin green". You counterbalanced the shirt with a black skort that showed off your body perfectly but wasn't too much. To top off everything, you were wearing a sneaker to keep it casual. But the way you wore Fernando's name on your body – front and back, sparkled in his colors, and carried his brand proudly, you were anything but "casual".

As soon as Fernando entered the garage, he noticed you. But he had to look twice just to make sure you were really there because he was not used to seeing you around. Although he made no secret of you, he was very aware of how much you tried to avoid the public. He could understand that you were suffering with your own demons, and he knew exactly how harsh the media could be on F1 drivers and their loved ones.  

But at that moment, he didn't care about anything or anyone. Just you. And all he felt was pride. You were a perfect fit. His perfect fit. And the fact that you were wearing Aston Martin colors, and his brand made his heart beat faster. Suddenly he didn't know what he was feeling.

The way he looked at you took your breath away for a moment. You felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room (even though it was half in the open air). The fire that flared up in Fernando's eyes was so intense, that you feared he would burn everyone alive. But mostly you.

Your feet rooted to the ground; you gulped as he strode confidently towards you.

"Mi vida," Fernando began, and leaving you no time to think, he pulled you close to him, pressing a passionate kiss to your lips.

In that moment you forgot that other people were standing around you. There were probably a few photos taken of you, but you didn't care. At that moment, it was just the two of you. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer to you to deepen the kiss.

Not only his eyes were fiery, but so was the passion he kissed with. There was almost no space left between the two of you as he pulled you shut to him, his hand holding your waist tightly.

Your tongues brushed against each other to have a taste. You almost moaned out loud at the sensation, and you knew you had to stop now, or you wouldn't be able to contain yourself. This man brought out emotions that you never had before. With him... Well, you were always horny, so to speak.

Your cheeks heated up at the thought of him taking you there and then, so you broke the kiss. You tilted your forehead to his.

"Nando," you said breathlessly. "People are watching."

"I don’t care, mi amor," he replied, his Spanish accent getting heavier, which tends to come out when he's very passionate or angry. You hoped it was the former. "Estoy tan contenta de verte," he murmured into your lips in Spanish. It meant he was very happy to see you. You have spent the last year trying to learn as much of the language as possible, which he of course appreciated. You were of a different nationality as well and English was your common language.

You learned a lot from him in bed. He was quite vocal – to say the least. Calling you pet names and talking through it… Enough, you thought to yourself, snapping out of your trans.

Fernando laughed at your expression and how easy it was to make you riled up just with a simple sentence. It was as if he could see inside your head. It was easy for him to read you. And he enjoyed teasing the hell out of you.

He pulled you closer to him for a hug and pressed a short kiss to your forehead.

"I'm really glad that you're here," he said once again, this time in English, squeezing you gently to mark his words. "And you look beautiful too," You hugged him around the waist, burying your face in his chest and taking in his intoxicating scent. The smell that always kept you going: something leathery and woody. It was very masculine, but somehow still comforting and reassuring. Thanks to Boss. They were doing God's work with this man.

"Here to support the best," you muttered into his shirt. You pulled away from him for a moment to look him in the eye. "I'm your biggest fan, I hope you know that." He loved the way you were looking up at him: the way you were glowing with love and desire. How your lips were swelled up after the kiss, how you stood there in the garage, proud to belong to him.

Alonso was like you. He hasn't felt that way about anyone for a very long time. And although he did everything he could for you, somehow it was very difficult for him to talk about his feelings. And not because he was ashamed of them or because he wasn't sure of himself – he was too sure of what he felt. And it frightened him. He was afraid to open up and might lose you. He was old enough to know what he wanted, and he didn't want to start over again with anyone else. All he wanted was you. In the end, somehow, he was still afraid. You had been together for about a year, but he was afraid to say those particular three words, even though he kept calling you "my love" and its synonyms in Spanish.

And at the moment as he looked at you… He was sure. He was sure he wanted you for the rest of his life and that you weren't his biggest fan, but more like vice versa. And he wanted to prove it to you.

He pulled you into his embrace once more.

"I know, mi amor," he mumbled into your hair and pressed another kiss to the top of your head. "I'll put myself out there, just for you," he added with a gentle chuckle. You squeezed him and then let him go, knowing how much he had to do before the race. You took a few steps back just to take him in, now there was even more determination in his eyes than before. Fernando was almost vibrating with excitement, knowing you were there to cheer and support him. And there was something in his eyes as well that made the butterflies in your stomach revive.

"I…" you wanted to say something, but how his eyes softened with tenderness made you speechless. He slowly reached for your hands, his fingertips gently caressing the soft skin of your palm.

"Can I take some photos of you guys?" suddenly one of the team members of Aston Martin popped between the two of you. He was clearly making some content for the team's social media channel and even though you were nervous, you somehow felt put together and wanted to support Fernando all the way. "You look so good together," he added with a soft smile. You tried to find lies in his eyes, but he seemed sincere. Maybe it's time to really believe that you're GOOD and that you looked great together. Fernando Alonso wasn't with you for nothing.

Fernando looked at you and waited for your approval. You nodded slightly and Alonso immediately pulled you to him by the waist.

"The best girl on the grid," Alonso said loudly and proudly, pushing a soft kiss to your temple. You couldn't help but smile at his affection and you pulled him closer to you as well, while the social media guy snapped a few pics.

After that, he showed you all the pictures. As Fernando looked at you in the photos, all his emotions were clear: his eyes radiated with love and respect. And you were definitely glowing next to him. The guy went on to show you some of the photos, eventually stopped when he had taken the two of you kissing. You indeed looked very good together.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself," he mumbled to himself. Fernando tensed for a moment next to you, waiting for any protest. But you didn't. You really did look good together and wanted nothing more than to show the two of you to the world.

"It’s okay," you started. "The pictures are really great," you reassured the guy and Fernando next to you loosened up. He pressed another kiss to your temple then took a few steps back.

"I'm sorry, mi amor, but I have to go now," he said. "Enjoy the race," Fernando added with a wink. That damn wink. And that damn smirk. Gosh, that will be the end of you. Pendejo.

You turned back towards the social media guy, and at that moment you realized that because of his interference, you didn't say out loud what you wanted to a few moments ago. You wanted to declare your love to Fernando for the very first time, out loud, but now you missed your chance…

"Can I take a few more of you, especially the shirt and nails?" he asked shyly, snapping you out of your thoughts. "You seem like a truly great soul who supports and respects Alonso, and I want to show that to the world," you were almost touched by his words. You were definitely genuine with Fernando and didn't want to use him for anything. You were just there because you were his greatest fan. And that was the best thing for you.

You nodded softly and you guys managed to make a full-on photoshoot in the end. You were surprised at how liberated you felt at the end, and you even chuckled and did some "model-poses."

"You're a natural," he chuckled but you soon stopped as the race began.

//

The race was very exciting. Full of overtaking and adrenaline. At the end of the race, Alonso managed to score P6, which is a very big word from Aston Martin these days. You couldn't help but be excited all the way through, expressing emotion and knowing you were going to be all over social media, but you didn't care. Because Fernando Alonso won. In your eyes that P6 was P1.

After the race, you ran up to him and hugged him. He still had his mask on, but you pressed a kiss to the plexiglass. Of course, the cameras were clicking around you, but you didn't care. Because you were incredibly happy, and you were glad for Alonso. And at that moment, that was all that mattered. If it didn't bother him that you were in every picture (and it probably didn't, because he'd asked you to come with him to the paddock countless times), why would it have bothered you?

In that moment you realized that even though you never said those three words, it was clear how you felt about each other. Alonso lifted you up as he celebrated.

"Yes, baby," he said then laughed. You loved it when he was so excited. And you couldn't wait to see what the new season would bring him under Newey's aegis.

//

A few hours after the race, you were sitting in your hotel room looking at your phone.

Social media, especially Aston Martin's official Instagram page, was full of you and Fernando. You couldn't stop smiling as you saw the hashtag #couplegoals and the many, many supportive comments from fans. What were you afraid of in the first place?

Sure, there will always be some people who don't like certain things, but the majority of commenters were supportive. At least, most of them. You locked your phone and looked out the window. You were thinking about everything that happened that day and you couldn't help but admire the wonderful view of the old town of Baku. You tried to take in every little detail, but your mind kept wandering back to how truly happy you looked at those pictures. And how you guys looked good together.

You let a soft sight as you snapped back to reality. You were waiting for Alonso and he was always on time. You were more the late type, but now you're well ahead of schedule. You wanted everything to be perfect. Not just for the night but for you as well. After the race, you took a thorough bath, did the typical "girly routine", used lotion, did your hair, your make-up... You wore his favorite perfume that made you both sweet and seductive – just to make sure he loses his mind. Then you put on an Aston Martin green evening dress that perfectly accentuated your figure and hid what you were less than happy with. That's how you were waiting for him as the two of you arranged to have dinner tonight to celebrate his placing. Just the two of you. You took your eyes off the city and slowly stood up and went to the full-length mirror in the corner of your bedroom to examine yourself.

You've smoothed out the non-existent wrinkles on your dress, but you've looked quite nice – even you were satisfied, which is a big thing. You nodded to yourself, just when you heard a knock on your door.

Slowly you walked over and opened it. There stood Alonso, in all his glory. He was wearing a black shirt and a black suit. For some reason, the color combination looked very good on his skin. His stubble was short and thick, the hair was all set. You were instantly struck by the typical "Alonso scent", the leathery, woody, Boss-y fragrance. Gosh, he looked delightful. Your mouth almost watered at the sight.

But as he looked at you, he was the one taken aback. You looked like an angel in that green dress. And he was ready to be your demon in that black attire of his, to lead you into the dark mysteries of the night as his eyes locked with yours. You were like the perfect match for him: black and white, Ying and Yang to each other.

"Y/N," he basically growled, as he stepped closer to you, his accent heavy. He tried crossing the distance between the two of you. The emotions of the whole day were stirring inside him. As he stepped closer, you stepped back. He looked at you as if he were the hunter and you were his prey.

His eyes burned with a fire you'd probably never seen from him before. You were almost afraid that as soon as he got close to you, it would burn. And you weren't sure you didn't want to burn all the way.

As you stepped back, he stepped forward one more step, closing the door behind him.

The back-and-forth game continued until you got to the bed. As soon as your knee hit the thing, a truly devilish smile spread across Fernando's face. His eyes almost darkened, with only one thing in his mind: you. Oh, he wanted to explore every inch of you like he'd never done before.

Suddenly you didn’t know why, maybe because of the intensity of his gaze, you felt very shy. You felt almost naked even though you were fully dressed up. You were almost certain that he saw right through you and he could see your flaws and mistakes. At least, that's how you were with yourself. Because when it always came to "that", it was very hard to switch off and let go.

"Mi amor," he started. "Look at me!" he ordered, and you obeyed. Not that you could argue with that: he stepped closer to you to lift your chin, so you had to look him in the eye. He could read you like an open book. He knew your past, your traumas, your hurts. "I know you've suffered, but I don't want you to hide."

That sentence meant more to you than you knew. The knowledge that he saw you, like really saw you, that you didn't have to hide yourself from him, and that he accepted you as you are, said more than anything. You tried not to get emotional, but you couldn't help it as a single tear rolled out of your eye. Fernando slowly wiped it away with his finger.

His gaze became a touch gentler, his hand slid down your face, down your arm, all the way to your fingers. There he intertwined his with yours and slowly guided you to the mirror.

"What are you doing?" you asked quietly.

"Trust me," he said confidently, as you stood in front of the mirror. The mirror was tilted a little so you could see both of your figures quite well.  "You are the one," he whispered softly to your ear from behind.

You shivered a little, then let go and leaned against his chest. You closed your eyes for a moment, enjoying the way Fernando stroked your arm again, from the bottom all the way up to your neck.

"What do you mean?" you asked softly, leaning your head back to his shoulder.

"As I said, mi amor," the words rolled out of his tongue. "You're the one for me." You opened your eyes and again met that burning look in the mirror as he held your gaze. "I love you, Y/N, just the way you are," he admitted. "Completely and utterly."

The air caught in your throat at the confession. You looked at him with eyes full of emotion, then turned in his arms so that you were face to face with him.

You tried to analyze every little movement of his. Was it true? All the alarm bells went off in your head, but you wanted to believe it. And he seemed sincere. You deserve to be happy too, so it's time to give yourself to it.

 "I love you so much, it almost hurts," you confessed as well. Fernando grabbed the fabric of your dress, it was really hard for him to contain himself. His lips hovered just a few inches above yours.

His chest tightened at the sound of your words, and he could barely restrain himself from taking you at that moment. But he wanted to make sure you felt worshipped and loved – just how you deserved it.

He brushed his lips against yours, looking at your reaction. Your breath hitched in your throat, and he loved the sight of it. He wanted you to see it as well. He wanted you to see how he makes you react. And how he makes you feel good.

He firmly but gently started to turn your hips between his hands. He encouraged you to turn back, so his chest could face your back and you could see yourself in the mirror once again.

"I'm only going to say this once, mi amor," he began, running his hand down your arm again. His voice was firm and dominant. You just loved it when he was like that with you. You knew deep down he was devoted and wanted only good things for you. "Keep your eyes on me," he said in the mirror. "I know it's hard," he added. "But can you do it for me, princess?"

You swallowed hard and nodded.

"Así amor," he murmured into your neck.

He placed a slow kiss on the back of your neck, then moved his hand lower, now on your hip. There he firmly grabbed the dress and almost ripped it off you so that now you were standing in front of the mirror in just your underwear. As he saw the black lace piece, another growl erupted from his throat.

"Mierda," he cussed at the sight of you. You would have preferred to hide. You didn't want to tear yourself away from his gaze, but you didn't want to look at yourself either.

Just like he could read your mind he said: "You're beautiful," sliding his hand from your waist to your stomach, so that he could slowly slip his hand inside your panties. "What did I say, mi amor?" he asked in a dominant voice, suddenly stopping in his movements.

You knew exactly what he meant: you swallowed hard. Once again.

"To look at you," you answered, searching for his eyes again. As your gazes interlaced, he began to move his hands once again.

"Así es," he whispered softly into your neck, then left a hot trail of kisses behind. At the same time, he started to move his fingers skillfully, reaching for the perfect spot: where he could feel your aching desire for him. The need started to pool between your legs larger and larger.

You wanted to close your eyes and lean back to him, to lose fully to the sensation but you knew him just well enough that if you would do that he would stop. He kept eye contact while his fingers were deep inside you. The demon in black, your demon who wanted nothing but to make his angel come undone at his touch and mercy.

"Nando," you whispered, as you looked at the two of you in the mirror.

"Sí, mi amor?" he asked, looking into your eyes while he kept his steady rhythm, collecting your wetness on his fingers, now pressing the end of his palm to your core. You bite down at your lower lips at the sensation, letting out a soft moan. "Use your words, princess," he smirked, knowing how hard it was to concentrate right now. He loved seeing you like this, and you loved the effect you had on him, as you could feel his hardness pressing against your behind. His intense gaze, his body, his touch, and his words almost sent you over the edge. Almost.

Then he suddenly stopped. You let out a frustrated breath and you get a chuckle in return.

"I…" you gasped and then shut up.

"Sí, mi amor?" he asked once again, tilting his head to the side as he was looking at you in the mirror. You desperately craved some friction, you even tried to rub together your thighs, but nothing helped.

"I…" you started once again, and he looked at you with encouraging eyes. "I want to…" your cheeks heated up at your words and you didn't even know why. "I want to cum." you finally managed to blurt out. 

He let out a chuckle, grabbing your hips with one of his hands and he slid back his other under your panties.

"Was it so hard, princessa?" he asked, and he started using his fingers again. This time more passionately and faster. With one hand you grabbed Fernando's forearm while still trying to keep your eyes on him. "That’s it," he told you as he tried to help you finally push over the line. He knew how much you loved him when he talked you through it. "I want you to see how beautiful you are when you come undone for me," he whispered into your ear and that's what it took. You shook in his arms as you finally reached the highest highs, fireworks playing before your eyes and at this point, you couldn't help but close your eyes. Your feelings for him, his voice, his touch – it was just too much. You suddenly stumbled, but he was there to catch you. And he always will be.

"That's it, mi amor," he whispered, holding you close to him, while he pressed soft kisses to your neck as he guided you through your high.

For a few moments, you stayed in silence. Then he spoke: "I'm your biggest fan, I hope you know that," he repeated your words from earlier. Your chest tightened at his confession, and you turned in his embrace, now facing him. A soft and loving smile played on your lips as you pulled yourself closer to him.

“But you’re the one who won, we should celebrate you,” you said mischievously. You started to push him back towards the bed where he sat down, so you could straddle him. Fernando groaned as he felt you move against him. His whole body was becoming hard.

“Oh, we will celebrate, mi vida,” he chuckled darkly. “All. Night. Long.” he said and kissed you with so much passion that it consumed the two of you. Each one was like a promise, a seal, a mark for your happiness and a long, prosperous future together.

[madame-fear]

꒰ 𝐊𝐔𝐊𝐔 𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘 | 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒. ꒱

˗ˏˋ ꒰ summary : how would Kuku celebrate your birthday with you? ♡

˗ˏˋ ꒰ genre : just fluff. ˗ˏˋ ꒰ pairing : Esteban Kukuriczka x (fem!)Reader

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐It’s your birthday! And your boyfriend is probably more excited than you are to celebrate it, because it’s yet another year of celebrating the fact that on a day like this, the world has been blessed with your presence.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐I have the feeling that he’s probably been organising it probably a month or two before your actual birthday. He prefers to have everything prepared beforehand, so it’s as perfect as possible.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐Expect to be woken up with breakfast on bed, and tons of kisses— and of course, a softly muttered ‘happy birthday, my love’ in between kisses. At one point, Kuku will put the breakfast aside (like on a nightstand table) just to attack you with a tight embrace and more kisses.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐Don’t be surprised if you receive warm birthday messages from his cast friends. He basically told everyone about your special day, and expects you to be as pampered and cherished as much as possible.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐 And, since we are talking about you being pampered— I can imagine you’d get showered in gifts. From roses, to plushies, books, maybe even a bracelet or necklace with both your and his initials on it; literally you would be gifted tons of things from his part.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐^ And if you receive something that you saw, liked, and wanted while being somewhere together and didn’t tell him; don’t be surprised either if he gifts that to you. I have the feeling he’s a very observant person, especially around you, his sweet love.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐He’s organised an entire day just for the two of you to do your favourite things together, or maybe just something special to celebrate your birthday.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐 You would hang out together around somewhere you like— literally wherever you wish, or whichever place you enjoy being around the most. He’s taking you to anywhere you tell him to go.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐 Or if you prefer to stay at home, that wouldn’t be a problem at all. Kuku would just organise something fun & special to do at home, filling you with all the cuddles and kisses you very well deserve. ♡

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐 Makes an Instagram story wishing you a happy birthday, telling you just how much he adores you eternally, and loves only you— nobody else, but you. Maybe, just maybe it’s a bit of very long message, but it’s an extremely endearing one.

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐 He would most definitely cook your favourite food for your birthday, and would also get you your favourite treats & cake! (if you want a birthday cake, ofc)

𓏲 ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖🎐You would probably watch movies together and spend some good, loving quality time together. The entire day would be filled with kisses, hugs, cuddles, constant praising, him pampering you endlessly, and sweet birthday wishes. Kuku would adore to spoil you every single day, but you’d be particularly showered in affection for your special day. ♡

◞ ꙳ ๋࣭ ⭑ ` HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING LOVE @luceracastro.ᐟ Today is the day we all cherish your lovely existence— you are filled with pure positivity, love, care, and are also one of the most understanding persons I ever had the fortune to meet. I can never stress enough how proud & grateful I am to be your mutual, thank you for sm everything you do and give !! 🥺 May all your days be filled with love, joy, and prosperity ♡ Have a marvellous day, mi amor! 🥳🥂💕

[anticanonsposts]

Hi love so i really love your work it makes my day!💗🌷

I want to ask for something please ☹️🙏🏻, what about the reader have insecurities about their skin tone or some areas of their body, and think konig deserves better?, How does Konig comfort them and convince them after trying alot?

(it's up to you if it's NSFW or SFW)

Thank you so much!! 💓

bro would be so lost whenever you had insecurities bc you were perfection breathing to him idec this man would be so mushy to his person

but per the request here’s a little sm completely SFW!!

cw: talk about physical characteristics, negative self talk

The sun shone through the curtains, y/n’s body started to wake her up, giving a long stretch she was woken up from her sleep to see a beautiful, sunny, warm day. Usually, universally this would be a good omen, a message that today was going to be good. But all y/n could think about was how hot it was going to be and that her wardrobe would have to match the weather. Making her way into the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror, her thoughts started to spiral. The past few weeks had been a bit rough, it seemed like she could find nothing adequate about her skin, her skin that she lives in. When she looks in the mirror all she sees is the bumpy areas on top of her arms, the hyperpigmentation around her facial features, and in the crooks of her body. Everything that women in the media had, she did not. She never saw anyone else with cellulite or anyone else with dark stretch marks, acne, so called ‘beauty’ marks in strange places. She was just so sick of it. She knew that magazines and tv were fake, but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Fortunately her doom-like thoughts were interrupted by her partner König coming up behind her. He braced his left arm against the counter, curving around her body, and turning the sink on with his right hand, caging her in between his body and the counter. He gave the back of her right shoulder a small peck before brushing his teeth. At first his eyes traced across the counter top at their various items, but quickly he grew bored and started moving his eyes across her body. He appreciated everything about her, every single part of her he grew to love. In his mind, light equal to that of the sun came from every inch of her skin, she always glowed to him. If he was being honest with himself, sometimes when she would be upset with some part of the way she looked he would be in turmoil. The idea that someone he saw as so beyond perfection and beautiful could think such ugly things about themselves. He supposed she felt the same way about him at times, the ugly thoughts he would have gnawing away at his self esteem that she would always hush and comfort. He wished he could be that same voice for her and more. He in turn was drawn from his thoughts when he felt a small squeeze against his left hand by hers in response to his kiss.

Moving to stand side by side with her, he spit out his toothpaste and rinses the sink before turning to her. Today he was especially happy because they finally both had free time to go to a fancy lunch together. And seeing as the day was so beautiful, they could for sure enjoy the patio of the restaurant.

“We should probably start getting ready, no?” he says to her with a small smile on his lips, giving her cheek another kiss. She gave him a small smile in return which luckily for her appeased him enough to walk away towards their shared closet. Well in reality he had about ⅛ of the closet and her clothes filled the rest. Considering he had only a few ‘going out’ clothing items, he got ready rather quickly, first getting dressed and then returning to the bathroom to make his hair look more presentable. At which point she went to the closet to find her clothes.

As time passed, y/n got increasingly more and more frustrated. Desperately trying to find something that would cover her arms, her legs, and most other parts of her without looking like a total freak dressing like this in such hot weather. Unfortunately for her, all of her clothes that fit the bill happened to be black. ‘Great’ she thought to herself, today would definitely be difficult, uncomfortable, and she would no doubt be getting a few stares. Once she was all put together she told König that she was ready to go. He definitely did a double take at her outfit choice. But he knew her well enough that he could tell there was something off about her mood. Seeing as she usually came to him when she wanted to talk about something, he didn’t pry.

They got in his car and started driving to the restaurant, and started talking like normal. The worries he had about her mood quickly subsiding. But he definitely notices the sweat collecting on her forehead and how she is turning all of the AC fans in the vehicle towards her, but again he chooses not to call attention to it. Finally when they get to the restaurant he jumps out before she can think to open her door for her. Getting to the host stand, y/n is more warm and nervous than ever. She can feel the hot sun beating down on the top of her head, and the warmth absorbing into her all black clothes.

“Is an outside table still ok?” König asks sheepishly as the hostess is leading them to an outside table.

“Yes of course!” y/n responds trying to fane the sound of comfort and contentment.

She isn’t slick. König sees right through this but lets her sit down at least before questioning her.

“Are you sure you aren’t too warm? Those clothes look a bit hot. I can ask if we can be seated inside instead.” he starts, not wanting to bombard her too quickly to turn her away from opening up.

Once seated, y/n’s condition just gets worse. Sweat now practicall pouring from a faucet from all parts of her body. She looked as if she was getting a fever or sweating out the worst hangover of her life. So, taking matters into his own hands, König stands up and says, “Alright, how about we try out a different restaurant huh?”

“What? I thought you really wanted to try this place?” Y/n responds, knowing that she was not able to hide her discomfort very well.

“It’s fine Schatz, this restaurant will still be here in a week don’t worry I can wait.” König responds before pulling out her chair and leading her back to the car after alerting the wait staff. Once they get back to the car he pops the trunk and takes her to it.

He rifles through his gym bag before pulling out a shirt and shorts that are clean and honestly a bit on the small side.

“Here, change into these so you can cool off ok? Then we will go to (your fav restaurant) and sit inside.”

He opens the back door so y/n can climb in to change.

“Was this just your ploy to get me naked?” She asks with a playful smirk across her face.

“As much as I’d love for you to be naked in the back seat of my car for other reasons, just focus on changing right now baby.” he smirks while keeping his gaze towards the front, keeping an attentive eye out for possible peepers.

Once she changed into König’s giant t-shirt and basketball shorts, making sure to pull the drawstring and tie it tightly around her waist. She made her way back up to the front seat, met with a very satisfied grin from her boyfriend.

“Alright now how about (your favorite restaurant) huh?” he says starting the car and then immediately returning his hand to your leg.

As he starts driving y/n feels the extra heat start to melt off her body, she feels infinitely more relaxed. Thank fucking god her boyfriend could practically read e her mind at this point.

“You know schatz, if you want to start wearing clothes that cover more of your skin, I will be supportive. Will I miss seeing so much of you? Yes, but if it's what you want-”

“Oh no, I don’t really want to dress like this,” y/n starts to say but quickly her voice gets quiet again causing König to look away from the road towards her.

Feeling his strong gaze on her she continues, “lately I haven’t felt super great about parts of myself.”

His initial reaction was pure shock, if she felt ugly or insecure or whatever. How could anyone else on earth possibly feel confident? But he knew saying any of these things would just keep her from sharing similar thoughts like this with him in the future.

“Sometimes my skin just doesn’t look very blurred or cohesive. I have darker areas, areas that seem agitated, and the way that my fat sits on my body sometimes I think looks unflattering” y/n finishes, now fiddling with König’s hand on her leg.

Of course his heart wrenches at hearing this. “Surely you know that none of that is true my dear?” He says incrediously, truly not being able to process what he is hearing. “Normally I am very quick to appease your wants and desires, but please do not dress like this if it truly makes you this comfortable. Because seeing you are uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable ok? There is quite literally nothing that I would change about your skin or you for that matter.” He finishes now parking the car at the restaurant and turning his body toward yours in the car, as much as he could at least in the semi cramped vehicle.

Sheepishly looking back over to him y/n nods and says, “Thank you baby, I’m so lucky to have you.” Before getting politely shushed and brought into a hug.

König all the while still wracking his brain trying to figure out why she was the lucky one when it was so clearly him. He had a lot of quirks and baggage so the fact that she still saw hers as a burden in their relationship troubled him a bit. But that was a conversation for another time. For now, she felt better and so did he.

The two of them then had a lovely meal at her favorite restaurant, albeit looking a little odd seeing as König was not wearing his usually loungewear and she in gym clothes. But they were both comfortable and happy.

Teehee kind of a build up to the actual request but I hope you liked it <3

[thebuckandeddiething]

i have no kind of reach in the 911 community so apologies for sending you this ask but i feel it’s the only way i can get this out there. as a bisexual, im a bit disgusted by the insistence that oliver’s interview was biphobic. genuinely, he is right. let bisexuals fuck! let him explore his sexuality! it is a natural part of life to want to explore your sexuality when you discover it, especially when you discover it later in life! there is such thing as bad bisexual representation, i would agree with that, but REALISTIC bisexual representation needs to STOP being labelled problematic or bad just because it is not the perfect correct perceived way to show that someone is attracted to more than one gender.

we are not perfect! we deserve to be represented in a way that is not perfect! i was genuinely HAPPY reading the article because it felt like finally my experiences of discovering my bisexuality somewhat later in life than most were being seen and represented! and i have seen others say the exact same.

in conclusion, verilybitchie on youtube has a very good video essay about why “good” lgbt representation is boring and misrepresentative of real experiences which i think is worth a watch for all these people insisting that bisexuality must be represented chastely. guys it’s possible to fuck in a way that is not unhealthy to you or the people you are with, it is a natural part of life.

https://youtu.be/_cR3b2Gblq0?si=ze4Lb1TDA0G1V38w

Believe me, I don't think I have any reach, but I'll still happily pass this message along!

I 100% agree that even tho there are instances of BAD representation, we can't just repeat perfect cardboard cutouts of "good" bisexuality arcs and declare anything else harmful. Especially when it would let Buck explore what his identity means to him but also be actually in character as a young, attractive guy that genuinely enjoys the physical part of relationships and as an extroverted person looking for connection with people. 

Fortunately, the biphobia accusations seem to be dying down, and we have Oliver in our corner, who I'm sure is going to make sure the storyline is handled with love and meaning.

So thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience, and I'll definitely check out the video ❤️

[viperwhispered]

*barges in like a maniac* THE DAY that school let's out and I am greeted with this! And now I'm THINKING!

So we've discussed before Jamil letting it all out and storming out but all the endings are super angsty cause Scarabia angst is the best angst in all of Twisted Wonderland. I have come suggesting an alternate ending since Jamil deserves to be happy:

After the break ends, Jamil finally picks up Najma's calls and she puts it on speaker. Jamil proceeds like this: he's sorry for yelling and storming out but not for what he said. As soon as he graduates he is flying off the see the world like he's always wanted and there's nothing they can do to stop him. Eventually he'll get a permanent job and settle somewhere nice where he isn't stuck at the mercy of the local tyrants. There is no working for the Asims and no servitude. This is happening whether they like it or not and the Vipers can just accept it and move on or he will never speak to his parents ever again and only Najma gets to meet any of his future children. Then he hangs up.

You'd think Jamil would be nervous while this is happening, but no. Why? Cause he just spent the best vacation of his life living in domestic bliss with his lover and now he's determined to make it last the rest of his life. It also come with the extra promise of "my children will not be slaves".

Another reason he's so confident is because he's eavesdropped on Kalim's secret meetings with Riddle where they study the laws of the Scalding Sands for legal support for Jamil's freedom.

I'd imagine Jamil's parents would be quite conflicted. However, the second they start leaning towards disowning him Najma flips out asking wtf is wrong with them and that if they disown Jamil for daring to have boundaries/a life outside of Kalim then they might as well disown her too.

So now the Vipers are really screwed cause there's no point in enforcing the time honored tradition on endentured servitude when you have no kids to sell into slavery. So the parents are quiet for now.

Also doesn't help that, when this whole fiasco started, Kalim loudly declared that Jamil was getting the whole vacation off and dared anyone to argue with him. Fortunately, Malleus had taught Kalim how to perfect a poison detection spell, so there weren't any worries about the food.

Najma had gotten really curious over Jamil's secret lover and, when a school event happened, she pounced. Honestly, it was pretty easy finding her in-law since they were wearing Jamil's hair tie. Of course, great minds think alike and fools rarely differ so now Najma is also platonically head over heels with Jamil's s/o. So now the poor reader is stuck in a tug of war between siblings.

So now the Vipers are stuck with their daughter going on and on about how the person they blame for "corrupting" Jamil is the most wonderful being who ever graced Twisted Wonderland. The awkwardness gets even worse when Najma starts nagging Jamil to just bring them over for the next fireworks festival.

So the Vipers agree to at least meet the famed charmer and Jamil responds by laying down the law: 1.There is to be no insulting or passive aggressiveness, be it directly or behind their back, towards my beloved. 2.There is to be no hostility whatsoever towards my dearest. 3.My future spouse shall be sleeping in my room. 4.My heart and soul will be treated just as well as any other guest. 5.If any of these rules are violated, don't expect me to talk to you until after I graduate.

So d-day roles around and the Vipers are forced to welcome the "homewrecker" into their home. Najma just tackles the reader the second they open the door and starts the tug of war with Jamil. With this visit, the Vipers are now cursing under their breaths because 1.Jamil and the reader might as well already be married 2.Najma adores the reader 3.They're a damn good in-law to have (*insert good personality trait here*, does chores, is supportive, etc). They're are now fully aware that no way in hell they were winning this and either have no legacy to speak of or they admit defeat.

They admit defeat.

What's Kalim doing while this goes down? He's given Jamil official orders to "be a good host" and invited friends over to have a week long slumber party. While Jamil battles his parents, Kalim is living it up with Malleus, Lilia, Trey, and Cater and everyone is just having a blast. Best part is that Malleus makes for an excellent assassin deterrent and anyone caught trying gets struck by lightning.

Nikki bonus: The thing about "x reader" fics is that we never get any in-law drama and it's arguably some of funniest shit ever. So let me ramble on about Jamil's encounters with the Deshna Bhavsar.

So some backstory: Nikki's grandparents has trouble conceiving, so they raised Deshna to possibly inherit their taleem (mud wrestling school). Even after Nikki's uncle was born, Deshna still kept on wrestling and could take down fully grown men twice her weight at 18. So Deshna goes to nursing school, but instead of going straight to work she decides to accept an arranged marriage proposal from Nikki's father who was the son of an old acquaintance of her grandfather who had gotten very rich. Now Nikki's bio dad was fine, but he was also a complete wimp who did nothing against his brother who was an abusive ass. Deshna took none of it but none of her in-laws ever supported her. When she realized she was pregnant, she had a major moment of clarity and she divorced her spineless husband. This caused everyone but her immediate family to disown her and she immigrated to Canada. Deshna started off working as the caretaker for an elderly man named Nicholas, who would go on to give some massive support and be the person Nikki was named after. Deshna got her nursing license and proceeded to devote everything into raising Nikki. When Nikki started experiencing their genders during puberty, this woman put herself in therapy and educated herself so her child would never fell abandoned. Deshna does resent the gods the gods she spent her whole life devoted to for putting her child through living hell at least one a week, but she knows Nikki is very stubborn and does her best to support them.

So Jamil is essentially facing off someone who's won the "Mom of the century" award 12 consecutive times and could fold him like a lawn chair if her ever so much as thought about disrespecting her child.

Deshna is a woman who is far too intelligent and observant for her own good and has neither the patient nor the tolerance for anyone's bullshit. So Jamil's flattery and masking will not fly with her. If you want a reference for what Deshna's attitude is like check out Sindhu Vee, this is woman I modeled Deshna after.

Nikki has been upfront about their relationship with Jamil since the beginning, so Deshna has heard everything from the overblot to the arguments over Kalim to "he's a hot asshole and I want to kiss his smug face". Like any good parent, Deshna has already come up with 101 reasons why Jamil is not good enough and is also dreading a repeat of Nikki's previous relationships.

So Nikki and Jamil get together and Deshna is shocked they lasted more than a week and have had almost no issues. Cut to one month later and they're still together and Deshna's like "ok bring him over I gotta see what's so special".

Nikki warns him that no masking will work with their mother but habits are hard to break. Long story short, Deshna baits him into an hour long debate which Jamil loses spectacularly (makes sense since he's never won a debate against Nikki either).

Deshna's conclusion: He's entertaining enough to argue with, lets see how this goes.

Jamil's conclusion: Mother in law or not, I will find a way to destroy this woman.

Nikki’s conclusion: This went much better than expected.

So now Nikki's kidnapping Jamil to hang out every weekend and Deshna has gotten to now Jamil so much better. Point is, Deshna is now bragging whenever possible about the absolute gold mine she has for a son in law. How could she not? He's smart, resourceful, got top grades at a top school, he cooks well, he cleans well, he loves her child, he knows how condoms work, he respects her child, ambitious, has powerful connections, etc.

Eventually, Jamil opens up about his home life and Deshna's response is to assure him that his parents suck anyways and that "Jamil Bhavsar" sounds so much better than Jamil Viper. Ngl tho no way in hell is Deshna letting this good of a catch slip through her fingers nor is she letting her child be turned into a slave.

Fun fact: in Bengali families, it is very common for family members to call you anything but your name. These nicknames are called Dhak names.

So, Deshna tends to call Nikki "Noni" and playfully refers to Jamil as "Daini" (which I've been told is the Bangla word for witch).

It certainly is not easy, putting up such boundaries with one’s parents, but I certainly would love for Jamil to be in such a position to do it with confidence, if it is something that needs to be done.

Hasdfs Najma spotting reader from the hair tie, tho. (Maybe I should’ve indeed sat down with this ask before doing the anything goes story prompt, since I didn’t even see this part but I love the idea. I mean, it’s not exactly inconspicuous, now is it?)

It is so sweet to think of Najma getting along with Jamil’s s/o, too. Plus, then there’s the potential of teaming up with Najma to tease Jamil, which, of course you gotta (I may or may not be the target of this with my partner and sibling irl, so, you know, definitely can see it happening).

Plus I’m sure Najma would also very purposefully be talking reader up to her parents, to try to convince them that they should just let it happen.

I do wonder, though… Surely Jamil should be laying down some rules regarding the treatment towards himself, too, not just s/o? (Basically, silly snek man, don’t just be protective of reader, consider yourself too, if you need to.) But perhaps that’s a matter for another time, once he himself gets a clearer idea of how he does (or doesn’t) want to proceed with his parents in general.

Oh boy though if it wouldn’t be nerve-wrecking to enter the Viper household in these circumstances (I’d be so ready to fight and throw punches for Jamil, ngl). Though now I’m also thinking of reader being extra sugary sweet, like southern US backhanded compliment style… Or just kill them with kindness in general, even while gritting one’s teeth.

Hasdfs I love Kalim’s slumber party tho. I can definitely imagine all sorts of hijinks, I mean with Lilia there too, of more or less “accidentally” dispatching any problems.

Deshna sure is an absolute badass and I want only the best for her.

Also those conclusions after the first meeting hasdfsdf I love these. What a dynamic.

(Also re: in-law drama, I have made up parents for the reader before so you know, can happen, but yeah, only something I’ve done in a longfic and not something you see that often.)

[magicalink]

❥Perfect Sister

"Bye mom" you exclaim before she steps out of the kitchen. She was all dressed up in her traditional clothes, ready to head off to the family Shrine.

You didn't let her go to work without saying goodbye to her, and wishing her good luck, not even a single day.

"Remember to eat the lunch I made for you!" You say as she steps back and leans down to let you kiss her goodbye.

"Of course, honey. You shouldn't have bothered" she smiles and pats your head. You nod, smiling back at her, receiving her caress, your soft cheeks blushing out of contentment.

"It's not a bother!"

"You push yourself too much," your mom says "Don't get late to school! I love you, goodbye!" She tells you, and then she finally leaves.

You sigh.

She is such a wonderful woman. And beautiful, on top of that. With her precious pink hair swaying down her shoulders, his deep purple eyes, and her charming smile. You really love her. She deserved the best, and you are willing to do anything in order to get it for her.

Fortunately, it seemed that Ei, her new wife, thought the same as you and was proving to give her only the best.

You approved her as her wife.

At first, you were wary of her, but with time she showed you that she really loved your mother and treated her like a queen.

So all you could do for your mom was to be the perfect daughter, for her to have the perfect life, the perfect family she deserved. Which she had, you were pretty much the perfect family and you were super happy as you grew up, until you father died. After that, you felt it was your responsability to make her happy again. And that's where all your efforts went. It was hard when you two were alone, but now that you moved in with Ei and her son, this was an opportunity for a new beginning. For a perfect life and a perfect family together.

You are lost in your thoughts about how much you cared for your beloved mom when some heavy steps coming from the hallway get you out of them.

It's Kunikuzushi, Ei's son, your now stepbrother.

You had met him a long time ago, soon after Ei and your mom started dating. But you never got very close. He was a distant, taciturn person. A bit weird, you thought. But Ei always told you not to worry about him. She told you that he was like that with everyone, that he was just a bit bratty and to not pay attention to him.

It wasn't like he was mean to you or anything, quite the opposite, he was incredibly polite to you.

You even took a photo with him at your mothers' wedding. He was smiling on it.

You looked at it. It was laying on a portrait on the tea table in the living room.

You had this diplomatic, political relationship. Friendly but cold. Distant but polite.

But you soon discovered he wasn't like that with the rest of the people.

When you entered the same school Kunikuzushi attended, you soon became acquaintance with the fact that most people hated him. Both students and teachers. That honestly shocked you!

It was as if they were talking about a completely different person from the one you knew at home!

But it was true. The handsome, polite, chivalrous young man you met at Ei's house was the least popular guy in town. And there were good reasons for it.

You witnessed him being a prick to others, always smug and mistreating other people. All the girls agreed that despite being so wealthy and handsome, none of them would be willing to date him: he was a pain in the ass.

But he never treated you that way. He was always kind and friendly to you. Overly formal. You were the only person at school he didn't openly mistreat. And at home, he was especially polite when his mother was around.

Your classmates, some of them now your friends, are even more shocked at his attitude towards you. They had never seen the gloomy and bratty Kunikuzushi act as such a gentleman! He was the perfect brother for the perfect family your mother needed. None of you got over just how two-faced he could be.

All your friends told you to not get deceived by his kindness, that he was a total hypocrite. They all had known lil Kuni since he was in kindergarten: he was bratty and conceited and spoiled rotten by his mother in a material way and never did anything for others out of goodwill.

You were the only one who gave him a chance.

You think he is different from what he shows to people, that he can be nice if he really tries. You think that maybe he loves his mom just as much as you love yours, and that he is making this huge effort to get along with you for her.

To give her the perfect family you always wanted for yours.

So you try every day to be the perfect step-sister for him.

"Morning Kuni!" You greet him into the kitchen with a radiant smile "I made some lunch for you too" you say, handing him a paper bag with the bento you prepared for him.

He exhales a short sigh and looks carefully at your offering, slightly squinting his eyes.

"Thanks, Y/N," he says with an empty smile, tilting his head towards you and picking up the bag with hesitant fingers. Then he shuts his mouth and hurries to the door.

"Going early to school? Want to walk there together?" You ask him, maybe that would be a bonding time between you two.

"No!" He coughs "I mean, it's not necessary. I'm just gonna head up early. Take your time" he stutters a bit nervously, and just like that heads off, "And don't call me that" he adds with another rigid smile and a twitching eye before closing the door.

You let out a small sigh. Right, you always forget he doesn't want you to call him Kuni. But you were just trying to get closer to him! Besides, his name is too long!

But there it is. That polite but empty relationship. He acted like the perfect brother. But you never had genuine interactions with him. He never let you into his heart. Was it because his true nature was being that crabby little brat he was at school and he was containing himself with you? Or was he just a shy and spiky tsundere that scared people away? You didn't know.

You know all these life changes aren't easy for him. They aren't easy for you either. You assume he still has some bottled-up feelings about his mother marrying yours and having you into his life, his house, and his school. You just hoped that someday he realizes that you are there for him, willing to be the perfect sister to help him cope with the situation and make this assembled family happy.

If only he let you in, you would be there to support him.

As you thought about this, you cleaned the whole kitchen and did the dishes. After that, you went to pick up your school bag and your shoes. You make sure you have everything you need before leaving.

You can't help but keep thinking how different Kunikuzushi was from his mother. From the ridiculous difference in the length of their names to their treatment towards you.

Ei welcomed you from the beginning. She seemed to genuinely like you, and always smiled at you and praised you. She really appreciated how much you helped at home, and was ecstatic about your grades at your new school and how your friends really liked you.

She treated you like the daughter she never had and her new pride and joy.

You sigh, placing a hand on your chest as you walk to school, the pleasant warmth of the morning sun comforting you.

Maybe nobody realizes it, but it isn’t easy being the perfect daughter and sister. In fact, it is really tiring. But you think it’s worth it!

Your mom, the most important person is happy.

Ei is also happy.

Also are your friends and your teachers.

Thus, you are happy too.

It seemed that the only one who was never happy was Kunikuzushi, always distant from everyone, isolated in his shell of fake smiles and exaggerated tantrums.

You pity him, no one else understands him. You know he must have some unresolved issues, just like everyone else.

You just want him to know you are there for him.

Since he is so kind to you, you think that someday he will open up and show you his true feelings.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

[lizzybeth1986]

Skills vs Passions - What's the Difference?

(Read the rest of the "Hana Lee: A Study in Erasure" series here!)

Previous: China, Cordonia and "Home"

I had mentioned, way back in my first essay of this series, that descriptors used for Hana are vastly different from that of the other LIs. The three male LIs got descriptors that emphasized their personalities and loyalty to their loved ones.

Hana's descriptors, on the other hand, came down to two things - what the MC could be physically drawn to, and what the MC could use her for.

Hana can be dedicated, devoted, open minded, explorative. You don't have to look too far to see a consistent display of these qualities in Hana, throughout both series. Yet none of these words - nor the many others that could even slightly capture her personality - are used to describe her.

What the team views as appealing in Hana, boils down to two things. What the MC can find fuckable if Hana is a love interest, and what the MC can use her for if she isn't (though to be honest, even the MC that romances her still benefits disproportionately from her labour).

Her looks...and her skills.

Ironically, even with this lack of care and forethought, Hana's story still manages to retain some nuance when it comes to exploring the things she learned. They are not things she randomly became perfect at. Nor is the process of how she became good at those things, identical.

Most times, there is a story behind how she became that good at those activities, a process that Hana often worked and struggled towards, before she could be the "Jill of All Trades" of TRR.

Her journey to acquiring all of these skills is not the same. If we do not acknowledge the differences in those journeys, we are doing her story a grave disservice.

Acquired Skills.

(Note: In this section I will be leaving out Hana's more intuitive skills, such as stealth, cunning, deep research and resourcefulness, and focusing more on the ones she had to learn. This is because her intuitive skills fit better in a different essay that I will be working on soon)

There are several things the above screenshots share in common.

One is that they are all things Hana learned as a part of her training to become the perfect debutante, the perfect noblewoman, the perfect courtly wife, the perfect hostess. In the Cordonian Waltz scene in TRR1 Ch 7, Hana speaks of being pushed from an early age to learn all the courtly and social arts. She speaks of being "groomed [every day] to bring fame and fortune to my family", primarily because they were devastated she was not a boy and the only way she could possibly be of use to them was by acquiring these skills. These weren't just hobbies she was encouraged to cultivate - they were things she had to do well, do perfectly, whether she liked doing them or not.

Another - and perhaps easier to miss - similarity between all these pictures is Hana's expression in them. Neutral. Unmoved. Bored. None of these activities actually appeal to her, or are things she is happy doing.

We will find out later on, that that was exactly the point. In her parents' plan for Hana's life and future, Hana's own needs and identity are practically a non-factor.

One of Hana's major epiphanies about her childhood, is the recognition that what she wanted, should have mattered. That her needs deserved to be met just for being her needs, not because it served a purpose for anyone else. On more than one occasion Hana tells us that "enjoying myself never factored into my parents' expectations of me".

How damaging can this obsession with making your daughter the perfect noble wife - to the exclusion of any other possible life - be? Let's find out:

Hana isn't just expected to excel in skills that mean very little to her. She isn't just forced to prioritise - again and again and again - the enjoyment of others over her own. She isn't just made to consider the needs of some nebulous future husband, to the point where she cannot even ask herself what she wants.

Over and above all this, she is never allowed to be her authentic self. She is never even allowed to figure out what that authentic self would be. From an early age she is deprived of toys and pets and real consistent friendships, ensuring a complete isolation, ensuring she doesn't even have the opportunity to safely indulge in pretend play. (That she manages to scrape together whatever she can find to make her "toys" is only a testament to her own tenacity; she should never have been put in such a position in the first place). Her parents robbed her of those early, exploratory years.

She has been told how she must be and what she must do; she never has the freedom to decide whether that is something she is even comfortable being. In the context of this scene Hana may be using this skill to help another woman, but the fact remains that even in expressing her femininity, Hana is constantly expected to perform - as if her authentic self was never good enough.

It is no wonder then that the moment she finds herself no longer answerable to her parents, Hana fears that she will discover she's nothing more than a "collection of skills...with no one underneath". TRR3 shows Hana in a full-blown identity crisis once she is completely outside her parents' influence.

In her post "How Parents Fuel Identity Crises in Their Children" on the Good Therapy Blog, psychotherapist Beverly Amsel talks about the effects controlling parenting can have on a child's sense of self thus; "When a loving parent is so certain that he or she knows what is right for the child and does not consider that the child may have valid, different ideas about what he or she wants, needs, and feels, there is no space and no invitation for the child to develop the ability to express his or her own self with separate ideas, feelings, and needs. Over time, as the child grows to adulthood and is exposed to more ways of thinking about things, there is typically a good deal of confusion about identity, thoughts, and feelings. Unless there is an opportunity to develop a separate sense of self, there will likely be a lot of anxious thinking about what is real but little ability to think for oneself in a self-reflective way."

Fortunately for Hana, her time in Cordonia does seem to present those sort of opportunities. There are story threads in TRR3 that address this identity crisis. But does it culminate into something that benefits her, or only the people around her?

Things She Does For Those She Loves

Before we move into passions, it's important to acknowledge a category that toes the line between acquired skill and interest. These involve activities that she's not entirely passionate about, but still derives some enjoyment from doing.

Her enjoyment of these skills is usually less about the activity itself, and more dependent on her fondness for sharing or socializing through it. Despite her mostly-isolated childhood, Hana is by nature a very social person. She is enthusiastic (though initially a bit wary and fearful of rejection) about making friends, loves sharing her knowledge and skills, and does not hesitate to reach out even to people who don't treat her well and accommodation them into whatever she's doing (eg. every single time she included Olivia in something in TRR2). So it makes sense that there are certain things she enjoys doing because it involves her helping someone, or allows her to spend time with them, or helps her relive precious memories.

On some level, you see this with some of her skill scenes. Often a scene will end with Hana following up a confession about her lack of interest in a particular activity with a line about how sharing that knowledge makes her happy. But you also see this enjoyment in other contexts.

Another context where she truly enjoys doing things, is when they're of a competitive nature. She thrives on the thrill of outwitting opponents and friendly rivalries. A great example of this is the dance-off she does with Maxwell in TRR1 Ch 18, where she enjoys pitting her skills against Maxwell's so much that they both agree they'd be great as a dancing duo. You also see this whenever she's competing in games with her trusted friends. This is perhaps why you see at least a handful of sequences where she expresses an interest in sports.

But perhaps the activities she enjoys the most - that aren't for herself - are ones that have her share space with someone she loves and trusts. Cooking and baking rank high among these skills. Baking began as a domestic skill that would serve her well in a noble household, but she loves sampling batter/dough and practically glows on seeing the other person's enjoyment of her craft. Her creating her own recipe for hot chocolate is especially interesting because it's a skill that she values highly, and that she only shares with people very close to her.

Hana's interest in fashion design also has interesting origins. She is skilled in embroidery and knows fashion trends well, and has learned from her grandmother to make her own clothes. Of particular note is the black-red-gold qipao/cheongsam that was the last dress she ever made with her grandmother. Her attachment to the dress is so strong that she experiences intense distress when Lorelai threatens to take it from her in Valtoria. She also loves designing dresses for loved ones - for the MC herself, we see her conceptualize and design dresses at least twice (a traditional-inspired outfit in Shanghai which is appropriately titled "Hana's Heart", and a blue and white dress for their engagement photoshoot).

Through these examples we can see instances of Hana finding joy in things she didn't have as much interest in, just through the process of sharing that experience with someone else. It's great, on the one hand, because Hana is no longer alone and she gains a renewed perspective on something that came from a very painful part of her life.

On the other hand, "I find this more fun now that I'm doing it with you" comes with its own downsides. If you use it too often, you're in danger of using it as a copout that centers the person she is teaching rather than her own journey.

And if you're a writer that makes efforts for her story with great reluctance...such an explanation will rapidly change into an excuse to be lazy with that journey.

Passions

Among the many, many, many skills Hana was made to learn in the bid to make her the perfect debutante and the perfect noble wife...just a few rank as ones she does wholeheartedly, joyfully, passionately. But they are perhaps the most important.

After all, these are skills that Hana had honed for herself. They're meant for her consumption and her enjoyment, and she often shares them only with people she trusts.

Not only are these things, interests that she enjoys and lovingly cultivates...but she is also fiercely protective of them. She will not allow anyone - not even her parents - to turn something so personal into a public spectacle that she's uncomfortable with. This is most clearly seen when she tells us about rebelling against her parents for piano performances. At a very young age, Hana recognises the value of her music, and she pushes back against any attempts to cheapen it or turn it into some warped form of social currency. She takes ownership of her gift, and from that moment on anything she does with that talent is done on her own terms.

Like music, reading was a skill cultivated to make her an attractive prospect for noble matches - only for Hana to find pleasure in the act of reading herself. Here again, building a passion for reading allows her to rebel in her own unique way. She smuggles in books that she knows her parents will find either too frivolous or too objectionable - often by hiding the books, or modifying the purpose of the book to them so it would sound appropriate.

We must remember - this is a woman who still feels nervous breaking rules even a year after she has left her parents' home. It would take such a woman considerable amounts of imagination and courage, to be able to do what she did in an environment as restrictive as her's. For Hana to be able to do this, she must have really valued the joy that reading books had given her.

Flowers are an extremely important part of Hana's life. Symbolically, they are part of her mother's House Crest, and personally, she is someone who is naturally drawn to flowers. In TRR2 Ch 4, she confesses to devouring the words of The Language of Flowers, and knows the symbolic meaning of each one by heart. She can even make her own bouquets. During the Costume Gala in TRR3, she dresses up in a heavily floral gown as the Goddess of Spring.

One of the most captivating sequences that captures her love for flowers in the TRR2 Conservatory scene, where she takes the MC to see the spectacle of a night-blooming flower unfurling under the light of the moon. It is especially fascinating that her already latent passion for flowers grew further with the help of another passion - reading.

Another thing you will clearly notice about each of these "passions" is that when she speaks about them, she is expressive. Liam confirms this in his Diplomacy scene in TRR3, where he tells the MC that her passion always shows in her eyes.

The proof for what Liam says here is in every one of these scenes. In the scenes compiled under the "Acquired Skills" category, her expression rarely changes and her tone is indifferent. In contrast, we are exposed to a variety of moods when she talks of these things that she's so passionate about.

She seethes with anger at the memory of her parents forcing her to perform the piano to crowds, whispers conspiratorially about forbidden literature, loses herself in the scent of flowers. These are moments where Hana acknowledges her individual pleasures, and expresses pride over the way she guards them from people who will not respect what those things mean to her.

These are things she knows forwards and backwards, but not because she was forced to cultivate and perfect those talents. They're things she knows because when Hana Lee is truly interested in something, she will plunge herself into it, body and soul. These are things that gave her comfort at a time when she had no one, and they form the happiest memories she has had for her childhood so far.

These are passions that are so intricately a part of her that it is impossible for her to give them up. Not for her family, not for her friends, not for her wife - no one.

Conclusion

The base of Hana's story has always been rich with possibilities. There were various ways the writing team could have written it to benefit her story. At the hands of a skilled writer who loved the character for who she was rather than for what the MC could gain from her, the writing of these talents could have been used to further enrich Hana's journey and give her a chance to find herself. Unfortunately, the writing team at the helm of TRR were neither.

Over and over again, the writers used Hana's plethora of talents to make her useful to people, rather than turn the focus of that arc back on her. The MC learns these skills and goes up the ranks, the MC benefits from Hana's offers of help, the MC is the one who becomes a Duchess and Champion of the Realm. Even on a level of resolving her issues with her parents, the writers have her prove that she can still be useful to them without getting married to a man. In the eyes of her writers, her skills are still meant to make her useful to someone - just that the person at the center changes from her parents to the MC.

Because the MC is positioned as someone who "enlightens" Hana to how harmful her situation was, and because the narrative expects Hana to be forever grateful to her - the MC is allowed to use her and take credit for Hana's hard work (eg. The windmill move during the polo game) and get away with it.

When you put all this evidence together, and then go back to the descriptors I put up at the very beginning of this essay, you will see what the team's intention with her, always had been. To create a woman the MC could be attracted to, a woman whose skills the MC could use to advance her own interests...while still being viewed as her hero and saviour. Despite being one of the few people to get the most detailed account of her upbringing and struggles, the MC still chooses to view her in the most simplistic ways, still praises her for her skills and "perfection" rather than support her in any consistent way (more on this in other essays).

The fandom wasn't much better in this respect either. Lots of TRR fans still see no real distinction between the skills Hana had to struggle to learn, and the interests that made her truly happy. The writing team itself contributes to this inaccurate conflating of her interests and skills by having multiple characters label her 'perfect' over and over.

This results in a situation where those hard-earned skills and those moments of joy are conflated together, and spoken of like they are the same thing. But they are not. To speak of the two as if there were no difference, is to ignore completely the difficult, even disturbing, history behind how she acquired them.

The skills the MC grinningly labels her perfect for, are skills that emerged from a very traumatizing environment. Her joys - that many in this fandom so mockingly placed alongside the things she forced herself to do - were perhaps the only opportunities she had to take back her agency and claim something for her own.

To pretend that the two are one and the same is a gross misrepresentation of what was actually depicted in canon.

Next: "Perfect!Hana": Author Bias and the Importance of Framing (coming soon!)

[lightlycareless]

First, it hurts— Chapter XXXIX

Naoya Zen’in x Fem!Reader

While arranged marriages are not uncommon in the jujutsu community, it was strange to receive a proposal from none other than the Zen’in’s, nonetheless your clan accepted and before you knew it, you were married off to Naoya.

Your new purpose was clear: to serve and submit, to be seen and not heard. To forget any sense of individuality in favor of obeying your husband.

Will this marriage ever flourish into something else? Will it change…for better or for worse?

Chapter warnings: there’s a lot of disdain from a particular someone, another person trying his best to do something, a bit of ooc I guess… and mentions of SA, abuse. AAAAND I think that’s about it. It get’s somewhat heavy in the end.

A/N: None heheheheh.

Now, without any further ado, happy reading! 🥰

Masterlist ➸ Chapter 40

Ao3 link.

It all started with a cough.

It happened whilst working with Haruko, trying to perfect your cooking skills. Soon after you sprayed some spices onto the dish you were preparing you started to wheeze.

The two laughed, especially when your face just kept getting red, subsequently doing a particularly funny scowl that had her howling at that point.

But outside of that, nothing—there was no suspicion of something else, so you left it at that.

The second time around, however, is when everyone around grew slightly concerned, when you began to feel a bit under the weather, evident by the way you struggled to complete your everyday activities, having to retire early for the day, and wanting nothing else to do but lay in bed and sleep.

By the third instance, the symptoms became all too obvious to ignore, uncloaking a shocking revelation:

You were sick.

Even with all the great care that you and your staff took, you still got sick.

You truly believed you’ve been careful enough to avoid that—however, after spending 7 days tending to a sick person, permitting him to get that close… it was only natural that you’d suffer some repercussions.

As if he hasn’t influenced your life enough, this also had to happen.

The only fortunate thing to come out of this, would have to be the lower degree of your sickness; you weren’t as… “delirious” as he’d been, certainly still in control of your behavior, which makes you wonder if Naoya’s softness was nothing but an act…

Well, whatever it was, there’s no denying you’re in a tight spot yet again, forced to quarantine inside you room and delay your responsibilities—something of a double-edged sword kind of thing, but only for Junko, because she didn’t take long to voice her opinion on your supposed carelessness.

“I thought I told you to be careful!” she’d scold “Now you’ve gone ahead and gotten sick, who else is going to be in the same predicament?!”

You hadn’t even considered it until she brought it up, immediately making you worried about their health. What if you accidentally made them sick as well? They couldn’t afford to not work!

Thankfully, the time it took the virus to settle in you, was the same for your ladies, so if they were to get sick they would’ve done so by now.

You don’t think you’d be able to live with yourself if that happened.

And even then, that was not to be your biggest worry yet.

What preoccupied you the most was the fact that Hitomi and Mariya had not been able to get along since the latter’s secret was revealed.

Haruko, even when taken aback by this revelation, was still able to show her support for the two and even try to mend things between the two, for in her own words, Mariya has done enough for the rest, she deserves something for herself.

Coincidentally it was the same thing Mariya’s parents told her when she revealed her new relationship to them. She’s never been one to get things for herself, always wanting to comply with what others wanted, or the greater good, a bit of a people pleaser if you must.

That only changed when Tatsuro introduced himself into her life—it took a while for her to accept him, as well as the risks this relationship entailed per their contract, but she eventually made up her mind and the rest is history.

Now… It was time to deal with Hitomi’s disapproval, which felt a bit more nerve wracking to Mariya than the time she had to tell her parents about Tatsuro!

You still didn’t understand why Hitomi had reacted so strongly to her predicament, but after much observation, you were able to place the pieces together:

Turns out that Mariya’s situation hit a bit too close to home for her. Apparently, Haruko, Hitomi and her mother grew to be very close after their father had abandoned them, with the seamstress being the most overprotective of the three, doing everything in her power to avoid a similar situation from happening.

She grew to believe that it would always be the 3 of them… until her mother decided to settle down with another man.

It was only natural that she’d move on when she felt the time was right, Haruko even encouraging for her sake. But when it came to Hitomi, well, she couldn’t help but perceive it as a betrayal of sorts, like her efforts had been all for naught, sentiments discarded to the side…

Hitomi couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that her mother had willingly put herself in a position that might compromise her yet again—Of course, those are things that no one knows with certainty when they’ll happen, if they ever do… but Hitomi was not one to wait and find out.

The similarities between Mariya and her mother, although subtle, were still there, but Haruko presumes there’s an ulterior reason behind her behavior…

“I don’t think she ever accepted him” Haruko disclosed the day it was her turn to tend to you. “She tolerated him the most when our baby sister was born, but even then… she always keeps her distance from him—maybe this is her way to show her discomfort… It’s a shame Mariya had to be caught in the middle of it”

In that sense, it was nothing but understandable… not justified, but it gave you a deeper insight of what was going inside Hitomi’s mind. However, when you supposed things would’ve cooled down by now, tension between the two seemed to be as lively as ever, and Mariya was not enjoying it at all .

“As soon as I’m near her she turns around and leaves” She’d confide in you in the middle of the night, the usual time for your reunions with her. “Whether she’s alone or with someone else, it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t want to speak to me. It’s like she barely even knows me…”

You press your lips—seeing your staff ruptured like this hurt you, more so because you believe you are responsible for such a thing. Had you been careful with your words, what you said and when you said it, Mariya would’ve never found herself in this situation.

Unfortunately, your guilt only grows when your condition binds you to your room. You literally feel both entrapped and useless in this small prison while Mariya and Haruko were out there, trying to mend this situation to the best of their capabilities. Maybe, if just maybe, you were able to talk to Hitomi more than just a few instances a day, get her to be a bit more empathetic to Mariya’s situation…

Oh, but who are you trying to fool? Haruko has more likely than not already tried that… failing miserably due to the results afterwards, given how they still struggle to keep communication between the two… besides, it’s not like you’re some kind of sait that could easily change someone’s outview in something. If you were, Naoya would be a completely different man.

…

Guess all you could do is wait and see what happens next.

“But don’t worry about that, Y/N. You should rest.” she says while giving you a tight smile. “A good night’s sleep can never do harm”

“…I guess so” you respond, sighing. Those things have historically always been easier said than done, but if there’s nothing else to converse about that, you suppose you could indulge in your curiosity for the outside world.

From a few days forward you’ve been hearing lots of commotion around the estate, so naturally, you had to ask.

“What’s going on out there? Seems like the estate is being turned inside out or something…”

“Oh! Right, the masters are getting ready to leave the estate. They always do around this time, the end of October”

“End of october…” you repeat, surprised it’s already October. Has it been that long…? “Where most sorcerers, if not all, are deployed.”

Except Naoya, who you assumed to be staying behind because of his suspension. Great. 

“So I heard” Mariya responds “Do you know the deal behind it?”

“It’s just because of Halloween” you explain “People tend to be… some, not all, very irresponsible with the dead around this time. Doesn’t help that it’s also one of the days with the most spiritual energy, so sorcerers have to keep an eye out for anything.”

“Now that you mention it, people do tend to mock the afterlife quite a bit… seems tiring to act as babysitter to them—Did you ever get a chance to work this time?”

No. This was supposed to be your first year doing so, actually. Another experience down the drain thanks to your new life.

“No, but my siblings and parents did. And yeah, it’s exhausting. Sometimes I wouldn’t even get to see them for days! It tends to be very demanding…”

“Makes sense why the whole estate is emptied then, but it’s a nice change of pace for us the staff. Less work” The two chuckle.

“What about the rest?” you change topics. “How’s Mai and Maki? I haven’t seen them in a while…”

“They’re fine, doing what they always do, school, chores, make Junko-san crazy… that kind of stuff” Mariya shrugs, you giggle. “However… after hearing you were sick, the’ve insisted in seeing you”

“Really?” you ask, delighted that even though you haven’t seen them as much, they still have you in their thoughts.

“Yeah, although their mother won’t allow it, but she did allow them to give you this ” Mariya says, taking out an envelope from her obi and handing it to you. You then open it by carefully ripping the edges, taking out the letter and relishing in the lovely contents they made just for you.

A crayola painted sunflower garden can be seen across the white paper, in the middle, there's a smiling figure presumed to be you, given the name written on top of it, accompanied by two little girls (them of course) equally happy, standing on each side. Lastly, in the upper area, large scribbled letters read the following message:

Get well soon.

Your heart swoons at the gesture, already knowing this is something that will remain dear to you in years to come.

Even when in the estate, through all the things you’ve suffered… you still managed to find people that genuinely care for you—and once again, you can’t do much to repay their kindness outside of thanking them.

Had you only met them through different circumstances, you would’ve been able to enjoy their presence much more than you already did, making sure to return all of their affections the appropriate way.

But what attached you to this reality wouldn’t allow it just yet, a sour reminder that even with their efforts, your husband will still make you miserable. 

And not only that, he’ll take whatever happiness you have and taint it, make a mockery of it, before completely destroying it.

You never asked for much in the past, but now, all you could ever hope for is his disappearance, the moment he’ll finally leave you alone for once in your life!

But you know that won’t happen, at least not soon, because of all things, persistent is what he’s mostly known for.

You probably already knew this, or presumed it at least, but Naoya remembers most, if not all, of that week he spent along with you while sick.

He remembers how you were there, every single day, just for his aid—There was no way he could forget, after all, your aura, your presence, and it’s hypnotizing effect was too hard to ignore; from the very moment he met you and up to now, it’s remained imprinted in his heart.

How you came rushing to him when his fever got worse, how you stayed throughout the whole night, how you fed him, clothed him, how you patiently explained what you were doing whilst working, and how warm you felt in his arms…

He remembers everything.

Yes, even the promise he made regarding your family.

…And how much he regretted telling you he didn’t.

He doesn’t know why he did it, why he suggested something he should’ve never done in the first place.

But he couldn’t stop himself, he couldn’t stop his heart from aching upon seeing the melancholic look on your face as you spoke about them. It pained him to see you like that, so… hopeless, lonely , that it evoked something in him and thus, spoke carelessly.

Yet, it was not meant to be—there was too much at stake to have made such a promise so foolishly; so many things to keep hidden from you. 

Even if it greatly hurt him to see the hope diminishing from your eyes, and subsequently out of his sight the following days, he had to do it. It was safer that way.

But for who?

For you—or for him?

This, amongst other existential questions, have been plaguing him since the moment you openly denounced him. And unfortunately for him, he doesn’t have Ranta to ease these burdens from his mind, leaving him to reflect on his actions and come to conclusions by himself.

It wasn’t nice, to have to take a good look at himself and realize just how different this marriage turned out to be compared to what he initially envisioned.

He didn’t want to think about it at first, doing everything in his power to avoid dwelling on the thought for more than a second—but after that terrible nightmare, where the sight of you intertwined in his brother’s arms continued to haunt him even in his wake, he decided to dive into the extremes and leave the estate entirely, force himself to focus on something else, in one thing he considered himself to be the best in… at least, until he was proven otherwise.

Even when a sorcerer is suspended, either temporarily or definitely, there’s always a way to work around that—either through a small task, a quick elimination, or money under the table—HQ was open to those kind of opportunities, more so for someone as prestigious as the heir of the Zen’in clan, which Naoya decided to abuse.

Per his request, Naoya was given the task of collecting a cursed object in a rather dangerous, highly active, rural area, something usually reserved for grade ones; if done successfully, his ban would be lifted and all records of his incident permanently deleted. 

Because Naoya thought himself more than capable, he took the mission without hesitation, careless to check if he was mentally prepared, and HQ couldn’t be any more detached.

As it would come to be, this would not only lead him to sabotage the mission, but expose himself to just a few moments away from death thanks to a simple miscalculation, barely rescued in time thanks to the sorcerer who was sent to oversee his progress noticing he had failed to set up a checkpoint when required.

Because Naoya had also managed to buy the proctor’s silence this small incident was kept under wraps from the rest of the community; however, the severity of his injuries meant that his family had to be informed nonetheless, unfolding everything else.

At that point, Naoya’s life could not have been more filled with mistakes, after mistakes, after mistakes, urging him to pursue a sense of satisfaction, instead of taking a breather to compose himself, only to fail once more.

Your husband believed to have hit rock bottom, spiraled into a hopeless pit where no one was to hear his cries for help… that is until you unexpectedly answered his call. Neither Naoya nor his staff expected it to be answered really, but it was, and it was sufficient to keep him alive .

Makes sense why he was over the moon when you came along, the only positive thing he’s gotten in his life for a while now.

But now that that is over, Naoya is back to the point where he has nothing— no one . Not even a semblance of hope to motivate him further, a paused career and a broken marriage.

Nothing.

He knows it’s stupid, perhaps even useless to think about it, but he wants something, a sign, an omen, a word, anything just to know there’s still something left for him to do, something… to not give up completely on everything—on you .

Because of all things he’s lost, you are the one that hurts the most. Not even his career, because that was something that was given to him by his blood, it was just a coincidence he ended up liking it. 

You were the one person he has ever sought after through his own volition, the only one he’s ever cared about.

Even through these obstacles, Naoya does his best to move on with his day just like he’d done prior, roaming around the halls for a bit of air before heading back to… well, whatever it is that he could do at this point. Train? He doesn’t feel like it.

Certainly not socializing—his close ones are way for the moment, and he’s not blind to the way the staff go silent whenever he’s around, always been like that since he can remember, but nowadays he can’t help but feel like there’s a malicious intent behind it, as if they were trying to hide something from him.

Well, he wasn’t too far off with that assumption, because after a few more cautious attempts to ease this hunch, he would discover the truth.

“What? She’s— what?! ” he’d say, slightly, very infuriated from the fact that he was the last person to know about your condition, again! You’re his wife, for god’s sake, shouldn’t he be the first informed? “Since when is she sick?!”

“Since Monday” one of the staff members would dare say, hoping to calm the storm his master bore—but if anything, this just made Naoya more irritated. What did he expect? That just because he responded to one question he’d be satisfied? Of course not! He needs to know everything about his wife!

The man nervously obliges. 

“She… uh, well, according to her staff, I mean, began to feel a bit ill the days prior, but it wasn’t Monday that she couldn’t even get out of bed.”

“She wouldn’t even be able to do certain tasks” other adds “Too… tired for that”

“And why was I the last one to know?” Naoya groans. The staff remains silent, certainly intimidated by his outburst, until a valiant one decides to step in.

“We… didn’t think it was appropriate to…” one quietly explains. “Since… you… you… you know—”

“What was that?” Naoya harasses. Oh, he’s going to remind them of how everything works around here. “Care to run through that again?”

“Because it’s no secret that whenever the two of you are together, hell breaks loose” another voice adds from behind, making the servants immediately bow, and shift Naoya’s attention— it was none other than his dreadful uncle, Ogi. Exactly what Naoya wanted to do first thing in the morning: deal with both the imprudence of his staff and family at the same time.

But he doesn’t respond, not when he’s clearly more preoccupied by your health and the staff’s seeming transgressions than whatever jab his uncle could make up on the spot. 

Ogi takes note of his silence, which irks him a bit for he somewhat enjoyed indulging in this push-and-pull game with his nephew, it was so easy to provoke him after all. Well, it’s not what he’s there for anyways.

“Leave us” Ogi says, and the staff does as ordered soon after.

Naoya isn't keen on their dismissal, feeling there was more he still could’ve gotten out of them… so whatever his uncle wanted, it must be good. “Are you done moping in your bedroom? I’ve been searching everywhere for you."

"I'm here, aren't I?" Your husband frowns.

"You're just as rude as your wife… truly, a match made in heaven" Ogi scoffs under his breath, but Naoya still hears him. Oh, how he wishes he could hit him right now, how dare he mention you?! "Either way, I'm only here to tell you the news"

“What… news…?” Naoya’s previous thoughts are completely discarded once those words were uttered, simply because he had made Ogi in charge of his most… urgent, if not confidential, matters. 

Like the grounds his marriage was made in. Meaning that if he had a reason to approach him, it was important , and after all that happened days prior, he could only think of the worst.

Did your sister finally find out the kind of agreement he’d made with your father? If so, how long ago did it happen? And how? He thought— he made sure to keep everything under wraps! Does he even have enough time to—

“That your ban is temporarily lifted so you can help you during the 31th of October”

Thankfully for him, that was not the case, which made some of the burdens on Naoya’s shoulders lift.

Nonetheless, he proceeds to be in shock.

“What?” Naoya breathes, still unable to believe his ears. “ Pardon? ”

"Extra hands are needed" Ogi explains, voice a bit tense for being irritated at Naoya's privilege. Had he been in his shoes, he knew he would never get the same opportunities. But oh well, he's got his revenge with you. “And, if your performance is good enough, they’re also willing to move past your small incident, lift your ban all together, and let you apply for a promotion sooner"

If Naoya needed evidence that the gods were listening to his prayers, this was it. The so-called sign he wanted to not give up and keep fighting, had arrived as expeditiously as ever.

Good news that would’ve made the old Naoya ecstatic, eagerly dropping everything on the spot to get back on the road and do what he did best, ensuring his career as a proficient sorcerer and getting that sought after promotion!

And yet, his mind was all but there, instead, he's at the estate, with you specifically, inside that small room as he presumes you to be having a horrible time, just like he did.

It didn't feel right to leave the house when you were sick, feeling both guilty for unwittingly passing on his sickness to you, and responsible, because as your husband, he should and wants to provide for you. 

Besides, if the least he could do after the week you spent with him, return the favor.

"When’s the latest I can leave?"

" Latest? " Ogi raises an eyebrow, mildly surprised by Naoya's question. "What for?"

"There are some things I want to deal with before I leave." Naoya responds, he would’ve liked his uncle to remain quiet and avoid giving unnecessary explanations, but he if has to…

And of course a man of Ogi's years, quickly recognizes this is to be a simple, yet bad excuse, as it becomes crystal clear to him that he wants to stay back with you.

The vivid contrast of how he initially handled you. Back then, he didn't want anything to do with you, relegating others for your care, and getting unreasonably angry when it didn't go as planned.

But now… he wants to be there, in the front line, as if you were even worthy of that consideration 

Ogi can't help but wonder what this means for their plans…

Well, if Naoya wanted to further ruin his life to be with a woman that wasn’t even that good per their standards, fine. He’ll let him be, it’s his funeral.

“A day before the meeting.” Ogi declares. “That’s all you have”

Naoya frowns. 

This means… he’ll only have around 3 days to be with you—no, less than that considering he still needs to prepare everything for his departure. It’s half the time it took him to get back on his feet… will it be enough for you? 

No. He doesn’t think so, but he'll take what he can get, any chances destiny has given him to earn his place next to your side, make it up to you, if only to see you happy once more.

“Thanks”

Ogi blinks, taken aback by his nephew’s sudden gratitude, but in the bigger picture he doesn’t really care, so he leaves without saying anything else.

With this newfound revelation Naoya knew exactly where he had to be, however, he was still ignorant of the gravity of your health since the staff hadn’t been disclosed of your status thanks to Mariya’s overzealous protection—did you have a fever like he did? If so, you need to rest, he hopes his aunt doesn’t push you to work through it. 

What about pain? That’s even worse, he can vouch for that, and there’s no doubt in him that you’re bored beyond belief in that room…

But what can he do to help you…?

Suddenly, his favorite memory of the week he spent with you flashes across his mind.

Any other time Naoya would’ve just waltzed over to your chambers… ordered his staff to give you what you needed, and stayed away after that. But upon recognizing you’ve been actively avoiding him, he needed a good reason to approach you—and bringing you some entertainment was the perfect starting point.

He also had to admit, however, that he doesn’t know… much about you, well, kind of. He clearly remembers some things from the first time he met you, but those aren’t within his grasp at the moment, and doesn’t want to waste time going out to get them…

Instead, he opts to play safe by approaching you, hoping to get your preferences and avoid repeating Matsuo's mistake.

With haste, Naoya makes way to your room, rather uneventfully until he bumps into a staff member, who after a few seconds of walking behind him, as well as noticing the tray on his hands, carrying a bowl of neatly cut apple slices and a glass vase with a singular lily, concluded they’re heading to the same destination.

Your husband didn’t think much of it—well, he didn’t want to think much of it, outside of how odd it was for a servant completely to be doting on one of the masters seemingly unprovoked… until the giddy look on his face made it impossible for him to keep quiet.

It’s been proven countless times by now that Naoya isn’t particularly fond of sharing his belongings with anyone. And his wife, especially her, is no exception. So, when he sees this nonchalant man happily heading over to your bedroom, bound to find you in a vulnerable position , it does not sit well with him.

With boiling anger, your husband swiftly stomps over to his direction, standing in front of him and startling the poor man on the spot, almost making him drop the tray in his hands (fortunately that didn't happen) before demanding an explanation.

“Where do you think you’re going with that?” Naoya badgered, as if his presence wasn't enough to intimidate him, he had to double down with his tone.

“Nowhere!” He lies, ignoring the blatantly incriminating evidence on his hands.

“You’re off to see my wife, aren’t you?” Naoya persists. “What, hoping to get lucky?”

“Wh— what ?! No!” The man doesn’t know whether to feel offended or frightened by the insinuation, either way he denies it all. “Of course not!”

“ Give me that! ” Naoya says, swiftly pulling the tray away from his grasp. “I better not see you around my wife—there’s a reason why I designated only women to be part of her staff.”

At that point, the frightened man can't do much outside frantically nodding, giving one last apology for his grave mistake, before eventually turning around and disappearing into the halls.

Once out of his sight, Naoya sighs and looks down at the tray, feeling a bit foolish that he hadn’t thought of this before, however, there is one thing that catches his attention more than the rest, and that’s the flower—why was he giving you a lily, of all the flowers in the world? Were they your favorite? 

He doesn’t recall anything of the sort, and surely hadn’t acknowledged there’s a whole garden of them in the estate, where you'd spend most of your time when relaxing.

But if they were… he figures he can get you more. Seems fitting that a beautiful girl like you would get flowers.

Either way, he’ll figure it out soon, but until then he can worry about your reaction to this offering of sorts. One that could work as an olive branch to mend the way his last conversation had ended with you… and maybe move past that promise he should’ve never done in the first place.

He thinks it’ll work, and after having a sample of your happiness, hopes it does .

But this sentiment briefly diminishes when arriving at your door, hand freezing just a few inches away from the edge after hearing your voice deep in conversations with someone else's.

A male voice, which unwittingly takes him back to his wretched nightmare. 

As much as he tried to convince himself that this couldn’t be, that nothing really happened, even though he had no proof of the contrary… it still manages to rattle him.

His hands tremble at the prospect of opening the door and finding you with someone else, especially after hearing you laugh, clearly enjoying their company—that was enough for him to consider walking away all together…

But he persists, because in his mind it doesn’t make sense that something like that would happen right now. Not… when you’re sick anyways.

Besides, Naoaki is out of the estate, most of his relatives are, which far from offering the comfort he wanted, gave him more things to worry about. If the people he could directly link to you were outside working… Then who were you chatting with?

Perhaps another member of the staff? What the hell were they doing inside your room? He doesn’t like that, men around you that is. He barely tolerated the way Matsuo spoke to you simply because he got things done, and he already dealt with that accordingly.

So who…?

Who was with you?

Well, no one else than one of his brothers, of course, the one that usually stays below the radar, and away from the vicious claws of the Zen’in.

The one many considered a below average sorcerer, the reason why he was scrapped from consideration for Halloween night, staying behind at the estate to eventually hear of your sickness, which he decided to ease by preparing  you something warm to eat, and keep you company while shyly relishing on the appreciation he rarely gets for his talent.

The youngest of his siblings— Naofumi .

Naoya no longer felt frightened when seeing him sitting by the edge of your futon… At least, not in that sense, for he continued to be intrigued, wanting to know just how close this relationship really was, enough for him to treat you so casually…

If only he had given attention to Ranta's words, he would've known this has been the case for a while, but as always, Naoya only focused on Naoaki.

Nonetheless, there's no doubt that he kept underestimating your reach when it came to his family, thinking that you were mostly attached to Naoaki, and nothing more… 

But what perhaps stood out more from this situation was the divide between the two, and how much worse it was than he anticipated.

Had he really been… this detached?

“What are you doing here?” you're the first to speak upon his entrance, having long suspected someone was to come thanks to the sound of approaching footsteps just outside your room—wishing it was Mariya, hating it was Naoya. And you’re not about to hide that sentiment. 

The look on your face could only be described as infuriated, a shocking difference from the cheerful countenance Naofumi saw you with. 

Naturally, he had to turn around and see the root of your commotion… quickly regretting his actions when his gaze fell right on his younger brother. 

All he can do at that point is quickly swirl his head back to you, hoping that Naoya would ignore his actions and pretend he wasn't there.

That, or that the earth would swallow him before Naoya was provoked to do something awful…

Or more like you wouldn't provoke him… just like he feared you would when proceeding.

“Do you mind? I’m with someone right now.”

Everything occurred a bit too fast for Naoya to react at the moment, but when he finally understood what transpired, his heart clenched in a way he could only describe as painful.

It's not the first time he’s experienced your rejection, but it somehow feels… colder now, like it was second nature to you.

Seems that one of the symptoms of this sickness was the boundless demonstration of emotions by weakening the patient to voice nothing but their inner thoughts.

If so… Naoya feels very, very hurt that this was your first reaction to him, compared to his feelings for you.

“I just wanted to—” he pauses, taking a deep breath to push down his emotions from showing in his voice. “I heard you were sick, so I brought you something to lighten your mood.”

And to mend my mistake .

Unfortunately for him, you were not in the mood to receive any sort of motivators —not when you already had the same in abundance, and most importantly, it wasn't even enough to be excused as a so called "apology", one that was intended for something that wasn't even his greatest misdeed anyways.

“No, thank you—I have enough of both.” you quickly respond, and suddenly, as if at the break of dawn, the sight of your overcrowded chamber reveals before his eyes.

Too focused on figuring out whose company you were enjoying and suffering from your subsequent indifference, your husband had failed to note the ocean of flowers surrounding your bed: from all kinds of colorful vases filled with bouquets of lilies, camellias, pansies and violets, you were not exaggerating when saying you had enough.

The vast amount of flowers emanated a sweet scent that quickly drowned his nostrils, dizzying him for a moment, before snapping out of it due to the fumble of his fingers, almost dropping the tray and jumping straight back to you.

You literally had a garden here, which only made your room far smaller than it already was, and his offering miniscule—not that it should’ve mattered, for his tribute wasn’t his in the first place, but still made him feel ridiculed.

A sentiment he has never liked to experience, cornering him to regain control of the situation by taking it out on the person he deemed the weakest of the three.

“What are you doing here?” He says at Naofumi, and he, knowing better than to just ignore him, slowly turns around, lips trembling as he prepares himself to speak up as clearly as he could.

“I just… wanted to give her something” he frets “I made her—soup, because I thought I’d make her feel bet—”

“ You don’t have to answer him! ” you shriek, briskly cutting through his words and unwittingly making him flinch, making you regret the way you stepped in, but it’s a thought that didn’t last long because you knew it was for the greater good. “And you don’t have to be in my room. Leave ”

It’s not a situation Naoya ever expected when coming here, not even remotely. Guess he should be grateful it isn’t like his nightmare where both his brother and you were ganging up on him… although your anger is more than sufficient for the two. 

“I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Naoya responds. "Can't I—"

“I’m doing fine" you interject “No thanks to you, but it’s not like I’ll die—not like this anyways.”

Naoya swallows, unable to avoid the pain your direct jab granted him. Believe him, he’s not happy about that decision either, but there’s only so much an heir can do against their leader , and your unwillingness to work together…

“Have you rested—”

“What is this, an interrogation?” you scoffed. “I’m not interested in talking to you. Leave.”

“I just want to know, Y/N—”

“I’m eating. Leave”

“ Y/N ”

“Just how long are you going to torture me?!” you cry, and the room goes silent immediately after,  tension in the air growing heavier.

Naofumi knew that your relationship with his brother was bad. Knew so thanks to Naohiko's incessant gossip, or whatever Naoaki confided in him.

He just never imagined it was to this extent, or that you would be the one berating him!

Poor Naofumi couldn’t do so—nope, he couldn’t even think about doing something of the like against the heir ; he was 100% sure that as soon as rumor sprouted he spoke ill of Naoya, hell would befall him.

Yet, here you are, chewing Naoya up as if he weren’t the future of the Zen’in! And the way you did it… it was almost natural! Did he misunderstand the dynamic of your relationship?

Not really, but he certainly underestimated what your anger could do, only ever being sweet and caring with him, one of the few to be with him, aside from fellow food-enthusiast, Haruko.

As much as Naoya deserved to be put in his place, Naofumi didn't like seeing nor being caught in the crossfires of it, so when he thought it appropriate, he spoke up.

"I—I should be going." he says, standing up from the floor. "I’m glad the soup was to your liking, Y/N, but now I gotta—"

"Don't tell me you're leaving because of Naoya" you say, and Naofumi, caught in his poorly spinned web of lies, could only stare at you like a deer in headlights—enough of a confirmation to make your anger boil ever further.

"No, I don't want you to leave." you retorted, much to Naofumi’s dismay. "If Naoya has an issue with you, then he can leave"

"I… It’s no bother” He insists. “I have other things to do anywa—"

"Yes!" Naoya interjects. “That’s wonderful , because I wish to speak to my wife alone”

"No!" You challenge. “He will not leave”

Naofumi whimpers.

"It was—it was only a quick visit, really” He nervously adds, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible “Just to give you Naoaki's flowers and my—"

"Flowers?" Naoya breathed, as everything else that worried him faded into the background, Naofumi regretting he ever opened his mouth. "Naoaki brought you flowers??"

Does this mean that all of the flowers in your room… where his ? 

How— how did he even have the time to do that?! Wasn’t he away for work and what not?

He sent them via the staff, then, and if Naofumi’s presence was worth anything, it also meant that he tasked his relatives to keep an eye on you!

No wonder both the man from earlier and his brother were startled when confronted, because how were they going to admit to his face that the reason they were there was because his wife’s lover sent gifts?!

But most importantly, even when away, he still manages to keep tabs on you…? 

Naoaki’s commitment to you had to be commended, because no matter what he did, he always found himself right in the middle of this marriage. In both the most unsuspecting and obvious ways, he always has to snake his way between the two. As if he were your husband!

And this, far from infuriating Naoya…

Saddened him.

He might've as well lost you already.

"What? He can't wish me a quick recovery now?" Your words made him snap out of his thoughts, remembering why he was there in the first place, and regretting the way he led the conversation.

While your sickness appeared to be a lighter version of what struck him, you were still  afflicted by it, given the exhausted look in your eyes, the fluster in your cheeks, and the most notorious of all, your bedridden status.

And he had the great idea of letting his emotions get the best of him, irk you and possibly get you more agitated, when he should've allowed you to rest.

One step at a time, he tells himself.

"... of course he can" Naoya eventually murmurs, obviously not genuine… but he doesn't want to fight with you anymore. "I was just startled. I didn't expect all of them to be from him."

"Does it make that big of a difference if they are or not?" You ask. And well, for him, it does—because his gesture and your acceptance feels like a stab, after stab, after stab on his poor broken heart.

But there's nothing that can be done about that anymore, guess the positive thing out of this is that he worries for you too, or so he alleges.

"I didn't mean to start of like—"

"Of course not.” you scoff, rolling your eyes. “You never mean anything, because everything’s a game to you, isn't it?"

Naofumi's breath hitches to his throat. Even he, who has greatly remained out of loop with the two, knows your words were nothing but a low blow, one that will for certain push Naoya into snapping.

But Naoya, after receiving such a strike, and endless more days prior, can’t find it in himself but to admit that perhaps it’s best if he leaves the room before he does something he’ll regret.

"I just wanted to bring you this—take care." he murmurs, placing the tray down on the floor, making his way out of the room and to… somewhere. Anywhere, really, just about any place that will allow him to be by himself and his overwhelming emotions.

That’s not true— none of your words were true. He doesn’t think that everything is a game, obviously , and just because he didn’t keep up with one thing doesn’t mean he didn’t consider everything else!

He clearly remembers you talking fondly of your mother, even brought you those discs so you wouldn’t miss her too much—and what did you do? Who knows! Naoya hasn’t been able to find them anywhere, nor get an answer from you. So much for missing your family!

And what about him coming to see you as soon as he heard about your sickness? That has to amount to something! Wasn’t the intention what counted anyways?

And also the—the commodities he's given you—that… that well, he was expected to give you anyways but he could still—

…

…

…

There he goes again, rambling off about things that didn’t matter, blaming everyone but himself for the consequences of his own actions…

Was it really that hard to realize that of all situations, he’s the common denominator?

It seems so, but at least this time, he stops his mind from spiraling even further by remembering he’s supposed to be taking care of you, not… blaming you.

Still, it was hard to proceed from this point without trying to indulge in his fiery anger; he didn’t like being both offended and humiliated with things he considered untrue , and in front of someone else.

Worse when he didn't have his usual backing, Ranta that is.

If only he were here, he… he would know what to tell him, guide him through the tumultuous ocean that is this marriage and do the right things, just like he's always done.

Yet, he isn't. He's away working, like a sorcerer his age would be, and it was perhaps best to leave him focused…

Or not.

He’s never been in the position to seek comfort like this… but he guesses it wouldn’t hurt to try.

So after he gets to his room, the first thing he does is get his phone and dial him—after a few seconds, the young man responds.

“Naoya?” He asks, slightly startled, for it was highly unusual that he'd take initiative when calling, leading him to assume the worst. “What happened? Is everything alright?”

“Yes—Well, no.” Naoya admits, Ranta gasps.

“What is it?!” the other frets, alarms adequately triggered after hearing his words. “Did you get sick again? Are you hurt? Where are you—”

“I’m fine… no need to get that energetic.” He responds, feeling a bit… Well, flattered really, at least someone cared that he went through a rough patch. The only one.

“Then… what’s wrong?”

“...I just… wanted to talk”

Now Ranta knows for sure that something is wrong—his best friend rarely, if ever, approached him for that. Always rejected him when suggesting so.

“I’m all ears”

But he won't deny the support when needed.

Naoya takes a deep breath.

“I just learned that Y/N is sick, and it's more than likely because she spent that week with me"

“Oh, that’s… awful.” Ranta admits. “How long has she been like that?”

“For a few days, I think—I still can’t believe I was the last to know” Naoya frowns “You’d think I’d be the first one, right? I know that would’ve been the case if you were around”

“I would try." Ranta says. 

He was barely able to visit the estate when Naoya fell ill, with the poor kid becoming nothing but distraught once hearing how it occurred. 

That was not to be the star of the moment, however, that would be your willingness to be by his side throughout this moment. 

A shocking statement considering how distant you've been, nonetheless it helped ease his worries regarding his friend. The poor kid has been nothing but distraught upon hearing how it happened, frustrated that he couldn’t be there afterwards.

It gave him reassurance to see you there with him—hope for the future of the relationship.

Which didn’t happen, according to Naoya’s words.

“And you? How are you—”

“...I tried visiting her. Wanted to return the favor, you know? I knew she couldn’t be anything but bored while quarantining in her room… but to my surprise, she was well accompanied by Naofumi”

“Naofumi…?”

“And the flowers Naoaki brought her”

“Naoaki??” Ranta repeats, fearing that with the mention of his older brother he’d spiral into an antagonistic charade…

Only to be proven wrong.

“She wasn’t happy to see me, of course. Not even with the thing I was intending to give her… which I actually confiscated from a servant, can you believe he was going to her room?? I should’ve been far more stricter with who can approach her or not!

…

…

But that doesn’t matter right now, I have to worry about Y/N… and getting her back to health”

Ranta briefly freezes. Is this really the same Naoya he knew?

“Makes sense why I didn’t see her as frequently anymore, thought she was ignoring me… although is not that different from a regular day” he chuckles, and the sentiment that he’s being pranked grows bigger in the back of Ranta’s head. “But it’s worse this time, and all because I did something so, so stupid!”

“What… Did you do?”

“Can you believe I told her she could see her family? Her family , of all things?”

“You didn’t” Ranta breathes, knowing well the gravity of such a promise—Naoya was so… persistent in keeping everything a secret, so why…? “When—”

“I did. And now, she hates me” It’s more likely that you already hated him beforehand, Ranta wishes to say, but keeps quiet.

“... Why?” his friend eventually asks, curiosity getting the best of him. “Why did you do it?”

“Because I wanted to see her happy” He admits quite easily, much to Ranta’s surprise. “On the second time I got fever, Y/N was called yet again to tend to me. I don’t… remember quite well how we got to that point, but she started talking about her family and how much she missed them. 

It hurt me to hear her so… desolate, so miserable —it was something I never wanted to see from her again, and so… I did it” 

Ranta almost peeled his phone away to check if this was truly Naoya’s number, because the man on the other line was not the same one he knew weeks ago. 

The one that was disappointed at the mere mention of your transgressions, painting you in a controversial light as he considered you to be actively working against him, alongside his brother whom Naoya believed had an extramarital relationship with you—dreaming for the day he’d put the two back in place…

But now, that was nothing but an echo of the past, now replaced by someone who showed regret for his actions, worried for your feelings, regardless of others intervention, while actively seeking a way to mend them.

Something most definitely happened these past few days, beginning with the root of his sickness, ending with the week he spent with you. But will Ranta ever know?

“I had to lie to her when confronted about it, told her I didn’t remember making such a promise so we could move past it, I even offered to eat her favorite food to cheer her up, but… it didn’t work”

Silence.

“I don’t know what to do” Naoya continues “No matter what I say or do, she doesn’t want anything to do with me, but I can’t leave her like that, you know? I don’t want to”

And for a moment, it almost sounds like he’s… pleading .

He’s seen Naoya in desperate moments before, but always with a bit of resistance, if not complete rejection for a change.

This time, however, he wants to improve. He wants to make a change .

Ranta now knows he needs to push him into the right direction. This might be the moment his marriage finally changes.

“Then don’t. Keep visiting her… you know what they say of a persistent man…”

“Even if she doesn’t want to see me?”

“Well, she’s still sick, isn’t she?” Naoya agrees with a hum. “You can still be around, check in on her from time to time. I’m sure she’ll come to appreciate the effort at least.”

Not really, because on his first attempt to approach you later that day, after Naoya managed to gather his thoughts a bit better, he would be reminded that your animosity was still pretty much alive—expanding to your staff.

The person accompanying you this time was the famed seamstress, Hitomi, and her piercing cold gaze.

He wasn’t usually intimidated by her, if only irritated by the snobby aura she always seems to carry, but now he can’t shake the feeling that his actions were being heavily scrutinized, to the point where even the slightest movement will land him a scolding—what an unexpected turn of events.

Either way, this doesn’t sway him from having an amicable conversation with this wife as he continues to approach the two.

Unfortunately, that will only end up as a desire, because as soon as he reached both and opened his mouth, you intervened.

“Hitomi, can you accompany me to the restroom?” you’d say, pushing yourself up from the bed, the seamstress following suit. “I’m feeling quite dizzy, I think I might—”

“Let me help you.” Naoya says, attempting to take hold of your arm and take you there himself, but Hitomi beats him to it.

“That won’t be necessary” she interjects, guiding you towards the door. “Besides, it’s getting late and she needs rest”

“It won’t take long, I just want to know if she’s—” 

“Goodbye” Hitomi doesn’t let him talk, of course, brushing past his side and pulling you along, disappearing into the halls.

Naoya is left alone in your room with the idea that you’re going to find a way to delay your return as much as possible, so he opts to try again another time.

Wanting to make the best of his short stay at the estate, Naoya ends up coming later in what would be his second attempt, after presuming you were finally done (it had been 3 hours at that point, so he hoped you were), whilst bringing along some medicine he ordered his staff to find to help with your alleged nausea.

After knocking twice on your door, Naoya anxiously awaits for a response, which doesn’t take long to arrive soon after, hands fidgeting around the medicine box as the door begins to slide open and reveal the one keeping you company this time.

Perhaps his biggest nemesis right after Naoaki: Mariya .

“May I help you?” she indifferently asks, eyes as dull as they can be. Her usual demeanor when it comes to him, so at least he’s not unsettled by it—it’s the same old hindrance of everyday.

“I brought something for my wife, for her nausea” he continued, gesturing to the box. “I thought it might help better than—”

“She’s better now, thank you” Mariya doesn’t even look down at the medicine as she attempts to close the door; Naoya doesn’t allow your staff to outwit him again so he stops her before she can even do much as move it an inch

“Take it, she might need it later” He insists, giving her the box.

“I can’t give her medicine that hasn’t been prescribed by her doctor” she responds “We both know that”

Diplomacy in its excellence. But even if she was right, it doesn't mean Naoya was going to follow through with it.

“It’s just this time, no one will know if we kept it a secret”

Mariya’s face twists out of disgust.

“Do not get confused, Naoya. I’m not like one of your servants. ” she hisses. “Good night”

And then, she slams the door on his face.

Naoya silently stares at the thin paper wall separating you from him for a few seconds before wishing you a good night under his breath and retreating to his room.

His third attempt would come the next morning, after having woken up far earlier, quickly gotten ready and rushed towards the kitchen.

As painful as last night was, it was also enlightening, coming to the realization that if he wants your undivided attention, he had to compete with your staff for it, in other words, he needed to get to you first.

The solution that came to mind for this unusual predicament was preparing you breakfast… Or getting a servant to do so, since he lacked the skill, ordering whoever crossed his path first into making you something both nutritious for a speedy recovery, but tasty to lighten up your mood. 

After obtaining such a meal, the servant places it on a tray and hands it over to Naoya, who insisted on taking it to you personally, before making his way to your room once more.

There, he knocks at your door a few times, eagerly waiting for your response as he ponders what kind of reaction you’ll have to his gesture—hopefully a positive one, since you’ll undoubtedly be hungry as soon as you wake up.

But as seconds pass and no one answers, Naoya grows a bit worried, knocking one last time before deciding it was best to make his way inside, soon finding out the reason for your lack of response.

As expected from the hour, you had failed to answer because you were nothing less than fast asleep, laying on your side as you calmly breathed into the warm covers: A sight that warmed Naoya’s heart, making him smile and realize it was better to just let you rest than wake you up to eat.

Thus, he carefully sets the tray beside you, wishing you a good rest before departing.

After a few hours Naoya concluded it was the right time to follow-up on your breakfast, hoping it had been as fulfilling as he intended, and who knows? Maybe even open the door for sharing dinner with him.

But he only underestimated the precautions of your staff once more, for the first person to see the tray of food was none other than Mariya, who quickly set off to inquire around the staff to find the one responsible, angered to find it had been Naoya all along. 

It wouldn’t take long for him to figure out what happened afterwards: finding the tray on top of the kitchen counter when seeking to prepare your lunch, labeled to be disposed of.

Naoya was running out of time, and fast.

He didn’t like the idea of it, but it was his reality, and he was growing desperate because of it.

He thought that by now he would’ve gotten some improvement, a reaction from your part that didn’t entail disdain, but it hasn’t, and it only made him realize how limited his options were.

Medicine, whether “approved” by his relatives or not, was completely rejected by you and your entourage as soon as it was suggested.

Food isn’t any better, this one is straight up thrown to the garbage… at least he can still use the first for a different occasion—is what he’d tell himself to not feel as bad for your reproach.

A conversation? Unimaginable. He’d have better luck moving mountains.

It takes him to square one, back to the one thing he intended to do at the very beginning of your sickness, something… a bit more personal.

Naoya acknowledges he doesn’t have much of your preferences around the house, nor the time to get them, however, he does have plenty of his tastes, which are quite popular on their own, so… why not share them? Maybe you’ll end up liking them too.

Thus, after a quick trip to his office, grabbing a few tomes from his favorite series and placing them on a box, he waits for you to eat breakfast before approaching you once again.

As always, you were to be accompanied by someone of your staff, this time however, it was the one he considered a lesser threat, and if it’s worth anything, the one he would’ve for you to become closest to, instead of Mariya.

Haruko.

A decision mostly made by your concurrent happiness, for you always seemed to laugh the hardest with her. It made him slightly jealous, of course, but at the end of the day he was elated that even with your sickness, you were still able to have a good time.

When all he can do for you, however, is disappoint you, evident by the way your smile drops when seeing him yet again standing by your door frame, his daily reminder that he does not have a spot in your world.

But maybe, slowly but surely, he can win you over with this .

“Y/N… Naoya-sama is—” Haruko would be the first to notice him, or more like the first to actually care, as you continued to ignore him by diligently working on Hitomi’s new lessons.

“I know” You’d respond to Haruko’s fretted murmur. The poor girl is still afraid of him, might be for the rest of her life, so she naturally leans towards you for protection, which you attempt to oblige. “Just ignore him, he’ll go away soon enough”

Naoya didn’t like being referred to as some kind of stray dog, but he's used to it now. At least now he knows Haruko won’t give much resistance.

“How are you doing today?” he asks first, taking a step closer—you continue to ignore him. “It seems you’re better now”

“I don’t think I can do this right, Haruko. I don’t like stitching, certainly not crocheting…”

Haruko attempts to play along, but just like Naofumi, she can't ignore the elephant in the room. 

“You could at least answer me.” Naoya says a bit disappointed. “I just want to know if there’s something you need—”

“I’m fine , thank you!” you respond with a deceivingly sweet tone, not lifting your eyes from your work. “Now, leave me alone . I'm busy”

“How long is this going to keep on going, Y/N?” He goes straight to the point, showing a bit of his growing frustration. “Is this still because of the conversation we had that day?”

“I can ask the same thing to you” you snap. “Don’t you have something to do, somewhere to be ?”

“I do, but I don’t think it’s right for me to leave when you’re sick”

“It’s not right… ha!” You scoff. “What would you know of what’s right or not… why do you even care anyways?”

Another low blow that has the unwilling third wheel fearing for their life, praying for either a divine power, or its equivalent in Mariya, to intervene…

Fortunately for all, Naoya has learned to somewhat traverse past these jabs and take them as what they were: words from a hurt, angry, but very sick person he cares a whole lot for. 

Because in his delusional mind, this was still caused by one particular thing, not a whole.

“Enough to be where it matters.” Naoya says. “If my wife needs me, I’ll be there. Besides, I'm your husband, I should be the one—”

“That’s the thing— I don’t . So you either leave me alone, or leave me alone. Take your pick” you roll your eyes. "And stop the whole husband and wife talk, you sound like an old man…"

Naoya sighs.

“At least give these a chance” he says, gesturing to the box and placing them on the floor near you.

Haruko’s curiosity eventually gets the best of her, making her lean forward in such a way to get a better peak at its contents, frowning out of confusion when doing so.

“ Manga? ” She asks, unwittingly making you sharply turn over to the box and see for yourself. But even then, you still couldn't believe it.

Your husband… brought you manga?

“I have more at my office, but these are from my favorite series” He explains. “Thought you’d like to read them for a bit of distraction, it certainly helps me, after all, reading manga is one of my favorite things"

You never really imagined a man like Naoya would ever dive into the world of manga, for you always considered him to be… well, so high up his horse, that he’d undoubtedly think something like that was a bit… childish . Think the stereotype was there for a reason—just like how many thought about video games.

Yet, here he is, proving you wrong, and not only that, but letting you know it’s his favorite pastime .

…

Maybe if he hadn’t been such an asshole, you would’ve found yourself enthralled by it, curious to know more of this unexplored world with an accomplished guide…

But you don’t want to—because just like in many things, he's also undeserving of that .

“I’m not interested.” you say, going back to your previous activity as your mind searches for the best way to efficiently push him away from you… landing on a word that hurts Naoya’s inner child. “They’re kind of weird anyways, I don’t get them.”

He swallows. 

Wouldn’t be the first time someone used to describe his affinity with that word, but it still irks him, it's an extension of him in a way, a part of his life… so how would he not feel hurt when you've just insulted it?

“They’re not weird.”

“Well, they are to me, so no thank you. You can take them back”

Of all of your jabs, this was the one that hit too close, having him leave your midsts without much insistence, picking up the box soon after after and dropping off at the office, careless to return them to their spot on the shelf for he couldn't even stand their sight— feeling nothing but humiliated by them now.

Haruko would tell you that perhaps you were a bit too blunt with your words, having felt the hit herself as well, and you somewhat agreed, but you kept moving forward, justifying that what you did wasn’t as painful as compared to his actions.

And that wasn't even your worst reaction yet.

He’d spend a lot of time thinking on what to do to convince you otherwise of your set disposition towards him, looking through his options over and over again to see which ones still fit in his time frame, and which ones to discard.

After much pondering, Naoya ultimately believes that instead of trying setting new, he should instead, try something that's already worked. Something simple, yet effective:

Flowers.

There must be a reason why Naoaki filled your room with them above anything else, and he plans to exploit that.

But of course, in true Naoya nature, just because he was going to do the same as the rest didn't mean he had to blend in.

He still wanted to let you know how much you meant to him, how you've never left his mind, even when you actively tried pushing him away—thus, he ordered one of his servants to fetch the biggest bouquet of red roses he could find and bring it to him as quickly as possible.

Naoya hoped this last chance would be the one to work, the one to crumble your walls and let him into your life…

And it seems that fate decided to support him, finally playing in his favor when he's able to intercept you alone for the first time.

It was one of the brief moments you were allowed to go out of your room, enjoy a bit of fresh air, and stretch your legs.

Naoya, ever the one to seize the opportunity when it presents itself, does not hesitate to approach you, in the most perfect timing for he had just gotten his gift a few moments ago, the poor errand man exhausted from having ran to the nearby village and back in record time.

It made him both giddy and nervous just thinking about the kind of reaction you’d have to his gesture, since this is something he has never done in the past and now you won't be able to ignore him so easily either.

With unparalleled enthusiasm and bouquet in hand, as he quickly makes his way towards your direction, approaching you from behind as he calls out your name.

“Y/N” he says, and as soon as you hear him, you stop walking. “Good morning”

You don’t respond, staying still in place.

“I got you something, again." He murmurs the last part, taking a step closer to you. "I know you have many already, but I noticed you didn't have these so I thought I'd get them for you"

You remained motionless for a few seconds more, as if debating what to do from that point forward before choosing to slowly turn around, eyes trailing from the floor, up his figure, and then… to the vast collection of red roses in his hands

A sight that inevitably makes you widen your eyes and remain speechless.

When noticing your expression to be one of surprise and not contempt, Naoya presses further.

"Here" he says, taking one more step closer to you and attempting to hand you the flowers. "They're still… fresh, I guess. All you need is somewhere to put them"

You don't take them, still unable to process what the hell is happening. Naoya notes your hesitation and it makes him lose a bit of conviction, feeling as if he failed again.

"Just… take them, Y/N. Please" he insists "why won't you accept them? Why won't you accept any of my gifts? Are they not of your liki—"

"Are you being serious right now?" You eventually speak. 

"What?" He blinks, confused "Why would… I not be? That's all I've been trying to prove, that I'm serious about you!"

"Is this a joke to you, Naoya?" You repeat "Do you really think that just because you have me some flowers, everything will be alright?"

"I… of course not, I didn't intend to clear everything up but… I was hoping we could start somewhere" he explains.

"Start somewhere… What makes you think I even want to be near you?" You frown "I can't believe you're even real—this must be a prank!"

"... it's not" 

"Then you must think I'm stupid"

"I don't, I would never think that!" he says "Why are you even saying this?"

"Wow!" You laugh "You really think I am stupid! Well, that was fast, didn't even take a second to contradict yourself!"

He never liked the mocking tone in your voice when you got like this. It made him feel small, angry, and most importantly, lonely .

But you don't seem to stop.

"Is this still about your family?" He asks, irritated. "how long are you going to keep on with that?"

"Of course you think that's the only thing" you scoff. "Because you'd never done anything wrong in your life! How could the great heir of the Zen'in dare?!"

"You don't have to talk to me like that, Y/N." Naoya frowns "if there's something else you're bothered about, you can just tell—"

"Shut up!" You cry "Shut up! Just— shut up!"

Naoya flinches, taken aback by your reaction.

"Why must you always say things you don't mean? Why do you have to keep torturing me like this??"

"Y/N— that's not… I would never—"

"There you go again! Spewing shit out of your mouth!'

"Then what do you want me to say?! What can I do to have a normal relationship with you?!"

"Leave me alone?! That would be nice!" You say "Oh, I know! How about you let me go? Ah, right. Can't do that either! Might as well accept the fact I'll never see my family again!"

"Why do you insist so much on that anyways? Don't you know it's customary for you to stay here either way??"

"Well, in case you hadn't fucking noticed, Naoya, I don't do well with tradition!"

"... don't talk like that" he murmurs.

"Ah, right, I apologize for my foul vocabulary, Naoya-sama. I should've never opened my mouth, just my legs and let you do whatever you wanted! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about that, I'm useless there too! But thankfully that will be dealt with quickly, hm? It's only a matter of time before I'm gone and you'll be free to fuck whoever you want!"

“Don’t say things like that” Naoya frowns “I would never find someone else to do that, and you know if it were for me, you wouldn’t—”

“No, Naoya. I really don't—because if there’s one thing I learned about your family, it's that while everything’s a game to you, your father is very much serious in whatever he does!”

“I didn’t want him to intervene, ok?! You’re acting like I’m so happy he decided you were better off dead if you didn’t get pregnant!”

“Well, I didn’t see you doing anything about it either! Or anything at all that wasn’t tormenting me!”

He's had enough.

He's had enough of your baseless arguments and your incessant tirades. Of trying to approach you in amicable matters, only to be ridiculed every second of the day.

He tried, he really did, to be a good husband.

But if this is the only way you'd react, then he'll oblige too.

“How would you? You were too busy with my brother to even care about anything else! And to believe I was the one being accused of cheating!” he laughs, and this irks you more than you would've liked. "I at least had the decency to respect this marriage!"

“Naoaki treats me the way you could never” you declare, knowing well there's no point back after this. "He's more of a husband than you ever were" 

And it works, because something inside Naoya snaps.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me” you continue. “There are even times where I wished he was the one I married instead, thinking how wonderful my life would’ve been if I had met him first!”

“What? M y brother?! That wolf in sheep’s clothing? The one you think so highly of, let him charm you with gifts and words, when in reality it’s just an act?! Because I know you’re not talking about him!” he mocks.

“I am! I am talking about him! I’m talking about Naoaki!” you yell. “No one else but him!”

“Why do you always have to bring him in?! He’s no one , he’s nothing!” Naoya responds. “We weren’t even talking about him!”

“Well, he’s everything to me!” you cry “I wish he was the one I got to call husband, instead of you! I wish he was the one who took care of me, held me, cherished me, treated me like I was the most important person in the world for him—instead—instead of the monster I got as a husband!”

With that, Naoya goes silent, permitting your hurtful words to settle deep into his already broken heart, shattering whatever was left and leaving behind a completely empty vessel, realizing he’s now lost everything. His motivation, his future… you . And there was nothing he could do about it.

Noting his hesitation, you take this as the best moment to make your leave, get away from him before anything else happens—but he’d prove you to have one last card under his sleeve by swiftly grabbing your arm as soon as you take a step away, and root you there.

“Leave—Leave me alone !” you’d squirm against his hold, try your best to free yourself from it, but he just holds you tighter. “Stop it!”

“Take back what you said” he begins to murmur. “Say that you didn't mean any of those words, that you don't—you don’t mean to be with Naoaki—”

“Sto—Stop it!” you whimper at the stinging sensation of his hand imprinting his fingers against your skin, all too careless to his rambles. “Let me go! You’re— you’re hurting me !”

“Not like you’ve hurt me!” he instinctively snaps. Naoya doesn't know when it began, only that his cheeks were soaked and his eyes warm at this point. “Why—why would you say that? Do I— Do I really make you that— that miserable? Do you really hate me?!”

"All you've ever done is hurt me!" You exclaim back "all you could ever do is hurt me!"

"J would never do that to—"

"THEN WHAT ABOUT ALL THE TIMES YOU’VE TAKEN ME AGAINST MY WILL? THE WAY YOU IGNORED MY PLEADS TO STOP, THE WAY YOU RIDICULED ME BEFORE EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT CROSSED YOUR PATH, REFERRED TO ME AS LESS THAN A PIECE OF MEAT AND THEN ALLOWED OTHERS TO DO THE SAME?! WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU PUNISHED ME JUST BECAUSE YOUR FATHER GOT ANGRY AT YOU ! YOU!!! BUT MADE ME EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE?! 

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME YOU FORCED ME TO SPEAK ILL OF MY SISTER, FORCED ME TO PUT ON THE ACT THAT I WAS HAPPY HERE, PUSH HER AWAY, ONLY TO CUT ME OFF FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T PROVE MY WORTH BEFORE YOUR RELATIVES?! AS IF BEING SENTENCED TO DEATH WASN’T ENOUGH!! WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE TIME YOU’VE HURT ME?! HUMILIATED ME, MADE ME THINK LESS OF MYSELF?! DO THEY STILL COMPARE TO WHAT I’VE DONE TO YOU? TO WHATEVER I COULD’VE DONE TO PROTECT MYSELF?! DO YOU STILL THINK THEY COMPARE TO ME NOT WANTING TO— ” you grab the bouquet from his hands “ACCEPT YOUR STUPID FLOWERS?!”

And then… throw them onto the floor. 

The soft thud of the flowers hitting the wooden floor and the petals that fell off immediately after were a sight that would testify as the official rupture of this marriage—one that will remain imprinted in the back of Naoya’s mind for the rest of his life, perhaps, cementing there was nothing else to be done.

But even then, that would not compare to what he’d see once looking at your face, past the fog of his tears and the adrenaline of his pain.

It wasn’t hatred that he saw, what he believed to have heard in your words. No, not at all.

It was fear —inflicted by none other than himself, the person who swore to protect you—and it hurt more than any anger could do.

A sight that manages to snap him out of trance and realize the gravity of his actions, especially after noting a crowd gathering around the two once more.

Yet, his mind remains with the painful confession you’ve just made.

“Y/N” he whispers, slowly releasing you “Y/N, I—I didn’t—”

“Get the fuck away from me” you breathe, tears falling down your cheeks as you step away from him. “I don’t care what you have to say, get the fuck away from me— now ”

You didn't give him any chance to respond, having turned around, ran past the staff and headed deeper into the estate, perhaps to the company of your staff or your room, it didn’t matter where, because he was for sure now, that after this day, he’s lost you forever.

It was the dawn of his last day at the estate.

Naoya, too focused on trying to mend his relationship with you, had completely forgotten that he was bound to travel to Nagoya in a few hours if he were to attend the mandatory debrief, and even though it was a quick trip there, he still needed to do preparations for it.

Thankfully, his staff had foreseen his setback and prepared him a suitcase with the required items for an easy trip and equally successful missions, which made your husband realize that out of his two objectives, he’d only managed to complete one.

And further ruin the other.

The great day had come, and Naoya couldn’t help but feel completely uninterested, detached from this situation—but he had no other choice, nowhere to turn, but to accept this task and move forward.

But as much as he wanted to put everything else behind, he still felt the responsibility of one last thing—ironically, the one thing he’ll end up doing right.

So after checking that everything was set for his upcoming trip, and there were no other subjects to tend back in the estate, Naoya heads to your bedroom one last time.

It was safe to say that he was not welcomed, neither by your staff, nor by you, but it didn’t matter to him anymore, not after the big realization he came to moments prior.

"What are you doing here?” you caution, heart thundering as you wonder if he’s composed back to his usual self and was now intending to take it out on either you, or your staff…. Completely oblivious to the defeated look on Naoya's face.

A man who’s surrendered completely to his own fate.

"To tell you I'm leaving." he says, and you are very, very subtly, taken aback by this statement. "I'm leaving the house for a few days, for Halloween"

You swallow.

"Why are you—"

"Thought you should know, so you could be at ease knowing I'm not going to be around these next few days.” he adds. “I’ll let my staff inform you when I’m gone, and when I’m back. Take care”

Your face now reflects the shock his words give you, for it is a blatant difference to the last time he announced his departure.

Back then, it was through the intentions of cutting loose ends, dealing with things he thought unnecessary so he could calmingly come back home and enjoy the vicious “domestic” life he’d envisioned with you.

But now, it's for your peace of mind. For your sake, your tranquility, and no one else's.

Yet, as much as you wanted to know what caused this change of behavior from him, thinking it wasn’t of your doing, it would be the first time Naoya would take a page of your book, preventing you from interrogating him further.

Because before you were able to do as much as put in a word, Naoya turned around, exited the room and left the estate.

[animehouse-moe]

My Happy Marriage Episode 2: About My Husband To Be

So while I did sing praises for the first episode of this series, I did also have my reservations about the longevity of a Cinderella type story that focuses around using Miyo's trauma to elicit an emotional response from viewers. While that is still partially present in this episode, it's greatly outweighed by the fresh direction that the story follows by adding new and interesting elements within. Not a great deal to talk about per se, but more than enough for me to share my thoughts on!

To get started, or really generalize the episode as a whole, Kiyoka and Miyo's relationship gets off to an interesting start. It's what you might expect to a degree, but it doesn't rush into Kiyoka being a "surprisingly good guy". Rather, he sticks very close to being abrasive and distant, even telling Miyo that if he says to die, that she should die, which prompts this reaction.

Right from the start of the episode, it's established that Kiyoka is not at all focused on being a terrible person to his fiancées, but rather someone that rigorously tests them in regards to why it is that they've come to his home.

You'll see a lot of this behavior throughout the episode, with moments like Kiyoka questioning whether or not Miyo poisoned his food, for example. It's very telling that Kiyoka's a very untrusting man, but it runs far deeper than that.

Kiyoka himself puts it into words: he chases out anyone that's after his fortune or position in the world.

I think it paints a very interesting picture. It's not that Kiyoka hates Miyo by any means, but that similar to her, his life has had its challenges and issues that have shaped him into the person that he stands as today. And credit to Kiyoka, he understands that, if only through the efforts of Yurie. To that extent, even if he's already finding ways to "connect" with Miyo, it's well established that these are through regretful fashion as he understands his own mistakes and seeks to correct them. He's not immediately the perfect husband, but he is a well meaning person to those that deserve it.

I think a great example of Kiyoka and Miyo's relationship is that it takes a wall to obscure Kiyoka for him to be able to apologize to Miyo and give her another chance at what it is that she wants: to be useful.

Let's take a look at that last little bit there with Miyo, her desire to be useful. It's well established through the first episode that she was only ever kept around to be useful in the Saimori household. She wasn't blessed with the supernatural abilities of her bloodline, nor was she born from her father's current wife, so her only position in the family was to be of use to them.

Moving to a new household, one that is sufficient and can survive independently of Miyo, it's not that she feels her position as the wife of Kiyoka is threatened, but rather her reason for existence. I think it's nearly perfectly expressed through a very simple scene that leaves Miyo in a room all on her own.

I say almost, because of one key piece. The idea of isolation does exist in the scene, with the two dolls placed upon the cabinet behind her that highlights her separation from Kiyoka, as well as leaving her in the room on her own. I just think that it's the perfect chance to play a little bit with the "truth" of the scene and have the doors to the room close on Miyo, completely isolating her due to her understanding as a person (the wording for what she says is really well done in that regard as well).

Okay, one last character to cover for this episode, and that's Kouji. I really did think he was going to be a one-note character, that he'd say he wants to help Miyo but that he wouldn't do anything and then fall into plenty of character tropes. Refreshingly though, his conviction from the first episode remains through is short screen time in this second, as he reiterates his desire to help Miyo in whatever ways he's able to.

And that's about it for character stuff. A lot of it is well telegraphed to viewers, but personally speaking, I feel like there's a lot of potential left on the table as an adaptation since the supernatural exists within this world. Yeah, did I not mention that earlier? Supernatural abilities, and the group of existences categorized as Grotesqueries, do exist in this world. It's a really interesting twist that fits well and provides quite a few interesting questions. Regardless, having that side of things should really open the doors to all sorts of forms of expression, so I hope that as we explore the idea more we'll move away from this more subdued style of direction.

All in all, it's a second episode that does keep me as engaged and interested as the first. Lifting the curtains on the supernatural, providing a "bombshell" for a mysterious backstory, and even tossing in a few loose plot threads to explore later down the line, it does very well to convert on the interest it garnered through its first episode and find a reason for people to believe that they should stick around for the season. So maybe a bit of a shorter review on my part, but being a character focused series that's rather to the point, there's not a great deal to comment on other than it being good, which it is.

[pudding-parade]

So, figure skating…

I know most (all?) of y'all don't care, but I have lots of Things To Say about the World Championships last weekend and the state of the sport in general. But I'll put it behind a cut, to be nice.

First of all, it was an awesome competition all around. One of the best things about it was the full-to-capacity arena for most of the competition, not just because the Covid years meant no spectators at all but also because in general the sport seems to be losing steam in terms of popularity, particularly so in the US. I was at Four Continents, and the crowds just weren't there, especially when there were no "big names" competing, despite the fact that Colorado Springs is a major training center for the sport. It was very disappointing. Fortunately, the World Championships were in Japan, where figure skating is still hugely popular, largely because of Yuzuru Hanyu. So to see 20,000+ people in the arena for this competition was awesome. And it wasn't just the number of people, but the fact that the audience supported everyone, not just the Japanese skaters, giving out standing ovations and raucous cheering freely to anyone who did well and also cheering along skaters who weren't doing so well, offering them encouragement. Kudos to all the fans there. :)

Now for the competition.

Ice Dance: It and the men's are my favorite disciplines, but the ice dance competition wasn't that exciting to me. I mean, it was good, but the finish order was pretty much as I expected. I was hoping for Fear/Gibson to get on the podium, but I didn't expect them to, and it wasn't to be. Oh well. Perhaps I'm blah because I'm not a fan of Chock/Bates, the winners. Meh. I dunno.

Pairs: So, so happy for Riku Miura and Ryuchi Kihara. They are by far my favorite pair, not only because of their skating but because of their sunny personalities. So happy they beat the Americans, who I also don't like. (Which is basically a theme for me. Other than Jason Brown, I haven't really liked any American skater since….Michelle Kwan back in the 90s, probably.) It was so sad to watch Riku think that they'd lost the gold because of a mistake she made, and it seemed like she didn't think they deserved to win, but they definitely did. Their free wasn't perfect, but their short was astounding, which put them on top.

On another note: It was amazing to see Deanna Stellato-Dudek and Maxime Deschamps in 4th place. Deanna is 39 goddamn years old and had been away from skating for about 15 years after injury pushed her away from her singles career. Then she decided to come back, but as a pairs skater. And that's not even half the story! And now here she and her partner are, fourth in the world. Fantastic!

The Wimmens: TBH, I haven't really liked the women's competition in about a decade, because of Russian domination. It's not that I don't think the Russian teenagers are talented. They obviously are. I just can't support the whole mentality behind Russian women's skating, at least when it comes to the most popular coach of them, Eteri Tutberidze. She takes 12-year-old girls, underfeeds/overtrains them in order to stave off puberty so that they remain small and light enough to do the quadruple jumps that are otherwise generally reserved for physically-mature men because they have the muscle power to overcome the size/weight of their bodies. Then she trains those young teen girls to do those jumps. Gravity is a thing, and those jumps are hard on mature bodies, much less on bodies where the bones are still developing and growing. So, you end up with 16-year-olds with broken hips or who require multiple knee surgeries of the type that 50-year-olds get. You end up with 18-year-olds with destroyed backs who can never skate again. And that's not even mentioning the drugging that apparently goes on. All of this so that one teenage girl can win one Olympic gold medal and become a vehicle for state propaganda for a while before being relegated to a life of pain. I just can't be enthusiastic about that.

And, on top of that, it takes all of the suspense out of the competition. It comes down to which of three interchangeable stick-like, under-developed 15/16-year-old Russian girls will win the Olympic gold and then burn out immediately after, never to be heard from again. While those girls and/or their parents might be willing to destroy their bodies for the sake of one medal, the other competitors value career longevity over doing the ultra-c jumps that, generally, are part of the men's competition for a very good reason. So one of the underfed Russian girls du jour always won. Snooze.

But now, with the Russians banned because of their government's terror campaign against Ukraine, suddenly the women's competition interests me again. Yes, there are still 16-year-olds, but at least they aren't underfed (except Kimmy Repond from Switzerland and Isabeau Levito from the US; I hope they eat many sandwiches in the off-season) and overtrained with bodies about to explode on them. And, those who aren't 16 are actual women. In women's skating. Women who've been competing, in some cases, for fifteen years or more. Imagine that.

And the competition was actually exciting! Would Kaori Sakamoto get her shit together (she's had a very "off" season) and defend her title? Would Loena Hendrickx get her shit together because she's been inconsistent, too? What about the Koreans, who are all very talented, elegant skaters yet forever in the shadow of Russia and Japan? What about the other Japanese ladies with their 3As? Really, it was anyone's game, and it was exciting. Women's skating hasn't been exciting in about a decade, IMO, because the Russian "Use 'em up until the Olympics, then toss 'em aside for the next 12-year-old" system makes the competitions so boring.

And ultimately, Kaori won, and since she is my favorite female singles skater, not just because of her skating, I am very happy for her. But honestly? I would've given it to Hae-in Lee of Korea, who was second. Kaori was good, and she definitely got her shit together, but she just wasn't as…sparkly…as she usually is. Something's been off with her all season, which isn't terribly uncommon after the high of an Olympic year, especially when you medal in one. Hae-in, OTOH, was amazing at Four Continents, and she was amazing here. I think she should have gotten the gold and Kaori the silver. I agree with Loena in third and Isabeau Levito in fourth. At least I don't dislike Levito. I think she will be amazing for the 2026 Olympic season. She's just not the whole package yet. Hopefully she will 1) Eat many sandwiches so she can stop being a stick and 2) Stay healthy so that she can become the whole package for 2026.

But really? My favorite thing about the women's competition? Nicole Schott from Germany. She's 26 now, I think, and yet she is improving. Unfortunately, she had a disastrous short program at Europeans, but came back with an amazing free to get into the top ten. And here at Worlds, both of her programs were great and she ended up in 7th place. Which, given the powerhouses that are Japanese and Korean women's skating (with three entrants each), plus the strength of Loena and Isabeau Levito, is extremely respectable. And she's 26, about a decade older than many of the others in the top 10! You go, girl!

And finally, saving the best for last, The Dudes. It was supposed to be a battle between Shoma Uno, my fave and the defending champion from Japan, and the US's Ilia Malinin, the self-styled "Quad God." Except it wasn't really a battle at all. I don't care how many quads you throw into your program. Doing that shouldn't win you a title. Any title. Why? Because anyone can learn to do quads if they have the right body type and dedicate all their training to it, at the expense of everything else. But jumps are only half the story. The other half is performance. Artistry. Which is an entirely different mindset that is much, much harder to learn than jumps, and then it's harder still to be able to integrate the two halves into the whole package that all world-class figure skaters ought to be. I don't care if you're Ilia Malinin or Alexandra Trusova, just jumps shoudn't win you any medal, much less title. Because at the end of the day, figure skating is more of an artistic sport than an athletic one. Watching someone skate from one end of the rink to the other doing quad jumps is boring. I want to watch a performer, not a jumping bean with delusions of grandeur.

And that's the difference between Shoma Uno and Ilia Malinin. The former used to be just a jumping bean, too, but he realized that Yuzuru Hanyu and/or Nathan Chen was going to beat him every time no matter how many jumps he did. Because they were the whole package and he was not. So, he switched to a coach renowned for artistry and completely transformed himself into an artist who can also jump. He became the whole package. Maybe he doesn't do six quads in a program…but he doesn't have to. With fewer quads -- and also nursing an injury! -- he beat Ilia by about 15 points, to no one's surprise except possibly the hype-y US media around Ilia.

Ilia's just not there yet. He's only 18, of course, and no doubt his ego is tied to his jumping right now. But maybe he will reach the same conclusion that Shoma did, that just jumps aren't going to win you international titles, no matter how many of them you do, not when your skating skills and presentation suck because all you've been working on is jumps. I hope he reaches this conclusion, because if he does and he follows through, he will become one of the greats, and rightfully so. But right now? He's faaaaaar from there. Still, he finished third. I would've put him lower, quite frankly, and put Kevin Aymoz on the podium instead. It's not that I hate Ilia or anything because I don't, at all. It's because I would hate to see figure skating turn into a jumping bean contest, so I don't think that whole mentality should be rewarded. I wish the ISU would lower the point value of jumps and raise the point value of the other elements so that skaters would focus more on them, or at the very least I wish the artistic score was weighted heavier than the technical score. But I dunno. Maybe that's just me. I just don't give a shit about jumps. I want to see performance, which is part of the reason why I like ice dance so much. I wish ice dance was less heteronormative, of course, just as I wish for pairs, but maybe we'll get there one day.

ANYWAY! The "battle" between Shoma and Ilia aside, who stole the show? Korea's Jun-Hwan "Chaos Bean" Cha, who along with Shoma and France's Kevin Aymoz are my favorite male skaters. Jun's been inconsistent for his entire career and, in my opinion, has been unfairly judged much of the time, as well. He's always been nit-picked over edges and under-rotations when the Japanese skaters and others have gotten away with worse. This competition, he was still robbed of the 100-point short program that he should have gotten, but both of his performances were amazing, with his two quads in the free -- all that's needed! -- being effortless and absolutely beautiful. And his Ina Bauer at the end of his free literally made me cry, it was so beautiful. This netted him the silver and almost broke the 300-point barrier for the competition. My adorable little chaos bean got his shit together for this competition, and I hope that's a sign of things to come for him.

And speaking of Kevin Aymoz: He got fourth, which is great. He was also fourth at Europeans, after a disappointing short program. But fourth on the world stage is a much bigger achievement, and well-deserved after turning in two great programs. He's coming back from injury, so I hope that this is a sign of things to come for him, too. I'm hoping to see him win Euros and be on the podium at Worlds next year. *fingers crossed*

Finally, the best thing about the World Championships: Listening to the Japanese arena announcer mangle practically all of the non-Asian surnames. It was hilarious. Even some of the skaters were laughing and shaking their heads as they were introduced. LOL

[dreamingsushi]

Eternal Love - Episode 33

I know, from already having watched the series and read the book that some very unpleasant events are coming. Don’t worry, nothing as painful as when Bai Qian was a poor human stuck in her palace, waiting to give birth to her baby. But still, it makes my blood boil just to think about it. So I’ll try to remain nice, but I don’t make any promises that I will.

Bai Qian fell asleep and when she wakes up, Ali is nowhere to be found. Fortunately, she had the bronze mirror and could see where Ali was... which was in a brothel. He followed a girl in there because a guy forced her in and he wanted to save her. Bai Qian tells him that he has to keep this adventure a secret between the two of them, not let his dad know. Yehua comes just back in time to save Bai Qian that is being harassed by a man. She brushes the incident as something unimportant, he just touched her a little. So he kisses her just a little, that’s fine then right? Then he goes back for the Emperor’s birthday while Bai Qian takes Ali back to Qing Qiu.

Even though I knew what was coming, I’m still so disgusted by Sujin. So her plan was to trick Yuanzhen, the second prince’s son, to her room. There she makes him unconscious and forces him to drink a whole lot of alcohol. She sends her maid asking for help because she’s going to pretend hang herself following being sexually abused by Yuanzhen. Who’s like a teenager, barely. I know I know, they are old and all in terms of years, but he’s still a kid. Like how could you do this to a child? People selfish like Sujin should be banned from existing seriously. I can’t fathom how can one destroy anybody’s life for their own little games. That’s not working hard to earn what you want. You don’t deserve anything. Ugly wench!

Yehua and his uncles are going to his palace where the Emperor is already dealing with the situation. I love how Yehua is just rolling his eyes at Sujin. He’s definitely like: I know you’re full of shit. Why do I still have to deal with you? She’s like please, let me die, please. I wish Yehua could just say alright, go hang yourself, good riddance. Unfortunately, the Emperor won’t let that happen, he likes Sujin too much and trusts her too much. That old dude is always in the way. Poor Yuanzhen, he tries to state the truth, but the Emperor won’t believe him. Of course. He doesn’t know to what lengths Sujin may go to “get” what she wants. So he gets sent to the mortal world to go through a 60 year long trial. The logic of the Emperor “You, his father, left with a woman and I never thought you would do something like that! No wonder your son did something so bad!” That guy... How did he even become the Emperor to begin with? So dumb.

Yehua warns her that next time she does shit like this, he won’t let it slide. The only reason she’s still alive right now is because she has Susu’s eyes in her eye orbits. When she dies, Susu’s eyes die with her. You see how worthless she is to him? And she made herself even more worthless. There you go, your stupid plan worked to perfection, right?

Since as Susu she never had any good memory in the palace, Yehua wants to start over with Bai Qian and have her fall for him. It’s alright she forgot.

More of Donghua and Fengjiu’s love story in the mortal realm. Very boring.

And that is all for today. I’m sorry if I offended any Sujin fan here, but she has no excuse for her behaviour except selfishness unlike other dislikable characters (for example Meng Yao in the Untamed who was an awful person, but I could still pity him for his sad sad sad life). Sujin’s only life problem is that her parents died. She was raised like a princess, sister of the Crown Prince. We can’t say she really has anything to be bitter about. I’m not trying to say that losing your parents is nothing, it’s hard at whatever age you are. But she had a happy life and only her own desires are guiding her.

[skayafair]

Episode 40

Live reaction below

Silas the whole episode:

If they get out of it alive in the end, he should think of a therapist career. He'd make a fortune out of it :D

This episode is the first one after season 3 that made me listen to it smiling again, like the previous 2.5 seasons used to, I think ^_^

THEY ARE DISCUSSING THINGS CALMLY FOR ONCE YAAAY where's my champagne

That talk between Lizzy and Cass last episode really helped huh. Plus I thought Lizzy just wanted to put the blame onto someone, get at least some load off her chest by taking it out on Silas in previous episodes but turned out that OF COURSE she had a perfectly sensible reason (well, I believe it's both in equal measure BUT anyway) and Silas arrived to the same conclusion. And "the martians", you're kidding me XD Gods I love it when they get along, they make a very good dynamic duo. So now everyone's on pretty good terms, such a balm to my soul.

...aaaand there we go again, jinxed it :')))

Yep, Cass really did it this time.

...Alyx? O____O ok I DIDN'T expect this at all

oooof course they charge *head in hands*

Ok I like happy endings for everyone so I'm lowkey rooting for a polycule of three... in a way... I don't really care romantic, platonic/friendship, qpr or whatever, these three just make sense to me all together - not the same relationship for everyone, but they just. Ugh. Make sense. As a unit. The words aren't wording tonight because I've been awake for 16 hours by now but you get the gist I hope. So I also hope it gets across if I say how much I enjoy hearing Silas just. Asking Elizabeth to go after Cass instead of him. Trusting her with it. Just. (✧ω✧) Buddies route go-go! ☆\(≧▽≦)/☆

Niko is the perfect depiction of a fangirl i swear

Poor Alyx Q_Q She's really spiraling. It's the worst thing to get a confirmation that you're as bad as you thought you were, even if it's subjective, too.

oh wow SIlas snapping- O_O that's something

Noooo not running awaayyy

Poor Si(((((((((

Aaaand poor Cass :<

Erm- Might be a controversial opinion but I guess I see who Cass took after with their charisma- yes I like Nicholas Thatcher by the way he sounds there I said it

Why am I not surprised he likes Lizzy. Yeah, no surprises here  👍

Cassius is at loss of insults? What? Wow, impressive. The fact that they are still talking is even more impressive.

"HUGS AND KISSES" HELP HE'S HILARIOUS the best addition so far 😂

Poor Cassius [2] Somehow I can see the picture so clearly xD

"Ouch" Lizzy XD

"Like always, I was right-" LIZZY XDDD

Oh a heart to heart <333 Love seeing them getting along <333

WE'RE FINALLY FINDING OUT WHAT WAS UP WITH VAUX WHAAA-

LI-I-I-ZZY-Y-Y-Y you tease! I'm starving for the revelations here no less than Cassius!

"I listen to the sad story - I get a little treat, them's the rules" Cass is as adorable as ever :D

They're getting along they're getting along- ╰(✧ω✧)╯

The queen keeps queening <333

oooh someone's spiralling real good and to the deep end

C'mon Cass, how can you resist that "pleeease" :3

they both are insufferable XDDD

SILAS FINALLY

OH smooth (￢‿￢ )

they both are insufferable [2] and Lizzy deserves to be paid extra for putting up with them!

OH AND THERE'S MY FAVOURITE SLOGAN <333

-------------------

I have to say seeing Cassius now (and Lizzy before) to royally fuck up like that feels... liberating. I really enjoy observing it.

Partly because it's a part of my "learning people aren't only good OR bad" curriculum (hello black and white thinking I've been unlearning, pretty sucessfully btw). Did they do something... REALLY bad? Oh yes. I mean - I understand attacking with words. Still bad but. Uh. More managable. Usually. But full on charging at a person, even if the reason is betrayal? The physical violence is a serious no-go in my book unless it's self-defence or... well, NOT on your friend anyway?! Not just by acting on emotions? So that made me pause.

I like complicated characters exactly because they make me rotate them in my mind and change opinion on them along with their developement, but... I thought I had a grip on Cass' personality more or less, and that attack of theirs was unexpected and honestly disappointing. I mean yes there was that one occasion with Vaux but that was different. Vaux was actually more of an enemy back then, she's been intentionally nagging Cassius for a long time, so it felt pretty natural that they'd blow up eventually. Charging on Alyx out of pure rage is not like that.

However - I think it's a lot like with John from Malevolent? He messes up regularly and just as royally but it's also very understandable, so I just can't judge him. Objectively, maybe, but not from the heart.

And probably what helped the most was the way Cass reacted to this recording. They didn't try to find excuses, didn't seem to be angry at Alyx anymore, they went straight up to "it was all my fault dammit!". They feel guilty and see their past reaction as a huge mistake, too. Looks like they cooled off soon enough even when the events were taking place.

I have a history of forgiving things that shouldn't have been forgiven to a person who wasn't very sorry about those things - or at least not because they actually saw those as bad. I feel disgusted with myself recalling that. So now I'm sort of sensitive to this whole thing and that's why making up my mind on how to feel about Cass' violence as clear as possible was important. Sure it's not real life, but close enough. A good exercise.

And I think their attitude to it was what made it clear. They see their anger burst as a huge mistake and regret it, but more than that - after listening to how they used to be they try to make up for it, like with Lizzy by telling her how they really appreciate her as a friend. This is important - not just to recognize "oh I fucked up again", but to genuinely do one's best to do better, to change. From the bettom of their heart.

So this is why, while it was a royal fuck up, it only added pieces to Cass' character, not shattered the picture. Hence why I enjoy following it. People are complicated, and that's a beautiful thing. And also upon some more thinking I can see how that outburst was building up for a long time. Once again this podcast brings perfectly grounded surprises <3

And another reason is that by observing others coping with their mistakes I learn to be easier on myself, too. Even if the others in question are fictional, they still reflect living people experiences one way or another.

I'm so glad Syntax is back <3

[v0guereality]

TO BELLA.

i’ve written love letters to people who didn’t really deserve it. to people who ended up having my entire heart, without ever leaving me to feel like what i gave was enough to keep them around.

you deserve the type of love letter that transcends the concepts of romantic, platonic, or any love you can buy a card for.

i want you to know how important every single fiber of you is to the way this world works. every single time i think my world is about to tip off its axis, it’s like an invisible thread on my sweater secretly gets caught and lets me see that there was something or someone to hold on for.

you are a soul bond, my darling angel. for what it’s worth, i’m a delusional dramatization of what could otherwise be directly said, but i feel like it’s only worth it to really stress emphasis on every single word i say about you.

you are anything but simple. your complexity is woven delicately through layers, and only the lucky ones truly make it through to the central you. i imagine this particular feeling is how the kids felt entering Narnia. it’s like a euphoric rush; discovering that past the guarded, gorgeous fortress that is a fierce woman, there is one who as equally fierce in her love and loyalty.

you are a lover, a fighter (a little agressively at times, but i digress), a strong woman, a sweet baby, an intelligent queen, and a crazy fun (indoor only) adventure seeker. i feel quite fortunate that even under unfortunate circumstances, i got the amazing luck of meeting you. your love, life, the energy you bring, the love you have. me being part of it of it is nothing short of fucking astounding to me. you make sydney what it is for me. you are my go to, the first person i want to tell everything good to, and the one who knows what to say when it may not be as celebratory.

meeting you was so quick, i was swept up in the us of realizing you are my fucking soulmate (insert euphoria GIF here) and delving into you. you get me on an interstellar level, and i honestly think that regardless of what life before or after we were and will end up in, my golden retriever heart will always be lucky to find comfort in your black cat arms.

i love you so much bella. happy birthday you perfect, couldn’t be more loveable, human. as i write this, im giggling at the inevitable eye roll, fankssss and dood that i’ll receive to this. but you know i can’t help but yap, and writing is my brains way to quiet yap. and when it comes to celebrating another year of you, the yap can’t stop won’t stop.

i love you B 🫶🏼 happy birthday my soul sister. thanks for being you. cheers to the first birthday i get to do with you, and rip to the many more years that you can’t rid me from 🖤

- 28th April 2024

[irkedaud]

Eleven gorgeous months with you 💋

04.22.24 — Eleventh chapter together with you.

Happy 11th monthsary to us my one and only baby! Yey! We’re close to celebrating our 1st year anniversary 🙈 Time really flies by. It feels like yesterday, we were still posting parinigs sa GP, but here we are now celebrating our 11th monthsary together. I love you so much my gorgeous baby!

In our eleven months together, we've shared so many good times. And looking forward, I just want more of those with you. Ever since we met, I can't imagine life without you, babe. You've brought me nothing but happiness and love. You love me for me, and that's all I've ever wanted. I never thought I could be loved as much as I love you. You're my first in everything, baby. I want to do all of the things that I never had the chance to do with someone with you. Let’s make more memories together baby. You’re the only person that I always want to be with forever.

My heart is full of you, babi. Every day, all I can think about is you. You are the only one who lives rent-free in my head. I will never stop falling in love with you. Each day we spent together, I couldn't help but fall for you more. You are the narrative twist in my life that I have always desired. I want to say how much I love you and how fortunate I am to have you in my life. Baby, you are the best and most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me 🥺 I wish that what we have would last forever. I envision my future with you, baby. I adore you and will continue to love you till the end of time.

I love you more than anything, baby. I always say it, but you really are the best thing in my life. You've given me so much love, and I'm just so grateful that I have you in my life. I don’t know what I’ll do without you babi. Please stay with me forever babi 🥺

Thank you so much for always being there for me when I needed you the most, and for always being understanding of my situation, baby. I am extremely proud of you for everything, my love. You are incredibly strong for this world. You always make me want to protect you. I wish you could see my perspective on how I perceive you. I wish you could see how stunning you appear in my eyes. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I love you constantly and deeply, my babi.

You make me smile without even trying. I love waking up every day knowing that you'll be mine until the end of time, baby. Nobody will ever be able to break the bonds between our souls. It's as if we were designed for each other and that our souls were meant to meet at the perfect time when we were both ready. I promise you, babi, that we will be together till forever falls apart. I loooveee yooouuu soooo verryy muucchh !! 😚

I love everything about you and will continue to do so forever. You filled my life with color when I had always assumed it would be colorless forever. You are the beautiful color that has been added to my life to make it brighter and more colorful. I simply look forward to be with you forever babi. I will always appreciate the days that we spent together.

Out of all the people I’ve met, you’re my most favorite among them. You’re the only person whom I’ll cherish forever baby. We made tons of memories together and those memories we shared will forever be my forever. I love you so much my gorgeous baby! I really really really love you so very muuucchh !! 😚

Baby, I'll give you a taste of what it's like to be loved in all the love languages out there. I want you to feel special forever baby. As much as possible, I want to give you everything that you deserve. That’s the reason why I’m here, baby. You deserve everything in the world and I will give everything to you without you even asking for it. I love you so much my forever baby. You’re my one and only love. I loooveee yooouuu soooo muucchh my gorgeous baby! 😚

My thoughts are constantly consumed by the prospect of our future. Every day, I look forward to what the future holds for us. I'm happy that I've finally met you since you were all I've ever wanted, darling. And for that, I want you to always be all mine, and I'll always be yours.

You've shown me the value of unwavering support and love. You enrich my life simply by being present. I am grateful for every moment we spend together, and I can't wait to do so for the rest of our lives. For the rest of our lives, I will love you wholeheartedly baby. I am grateful for every moment we have together since you are my soulmate, best friend, and the love of my life. I love you so much more than words could ever convey, my beloved riri.

There are no words to express how much I really love you. Even after a tiring and rough day, no one else has the ability to brighten my day as much as you. You are the source of my happiness and joy, baby. I will always love you. I will always pick you in every universe, globe, and dimension that there might be. And my affection for you will never fade, babi. I loooveeee yoouuu sooo soooo vewwyy muucchh !! 😚

Last but not the least, happy eleven months of love to us baby! 🙈 these past ten months spent with you have made me feel as though I've won the lotto every day. Like, what do you mean that I'm being treated the way I should be treated by someone? Every day, you never failed to show me how much you love me. Baby, our love only grows stronger every day. We're almost ready to celebrate our first anniversary, and I've been anticipating it for a long time. In just a few more days, we’ll finally be celebrating our first anniversary. Who would’ve known that the person I met on April would turn to be the best girlfriend that I could possibly have? I love you so much my baby. You have my undying love.

[holisticsoulhealer]

A Perfect Fit - A Spiritual Story

If I had to narrate a sweet story, not necessarily a true one, and instead more of a tale that reaches in and touches the heart, makes the mind consider a variation of perspective, and sends a message that can deepen the soul connection, this would be the perfect subject matter. So, here goes….are we sitting comfortably, then let the story begin…………….

 Once upon a day in time, a lovely young woman stood in her home, wishing she had a mirror to check her appearance. It wasn’t as though she couldn’t find a mirror, she simply didn’t get around to purchasing one. She was very busy with caring for other people in her life, and although they truly and deeply appreciated all that she did, there was literally no time or opportunity for her to stop and take a look, a glance or even a quick peek at herself. She could only know who she was simply by the comments made about her by all the other people she met.

She wore loose and comfy clothes, had tumbled and quickly brushed hair, sensible shoes and a simple bag thrown together with all that she could possibly need for all that she accomplished in a given day. She figured she was quite happy but honestly didn’t know that for sure, and based her happiness on how happy those were that she spent time with. She lived in a very simple small home, with very little that was special, because in fairness, she was out a great deal in the homes of other people, and she really enjoyed all that they showed her about their homes, that nobody ever came to hers and they were so pleased that she was so interested in their lives. She felt that her bubble of life was good enough and that she was fortunate to be doing what she did.

The people weren’t hers but she was glad she was theirs, and knew her blessings were good because when she left them after her visits, they were smiling more, and waved her farewell, speaking to how much they looked forward to her next visit. The years grew and the people changed very little, other than growing older, and some of them had children, grandchildren and one or two of them moved away or grew ill or left the world. She laughed and cried and shared with them.

One day a large, handsome man, in a hat and sunglasses, came across her path and literally bumped into her. In such a surprising way, she dropped her bag of food that she was taking home to eat. She was a bit cross, and told him he needed to look where he was going. The very next day he walked right up to her with a new shiny bag of all that she had lost the day before, and walked her to her home. He began doing that every day. He asked her about her, told her she looked pretty, and she saw her reflection in his glasses. Every day, she looked at the reflection and saw him as a perfect fit for her. She saw herself for the first time and she began to look forward to seeing him, and also really enjoyed seeing herself.

She became a perfect fit for herself and got more beautiful in the reflection she saw through his glasses.

We all deserve to find our perfect fit here on earth, and not only invest in others. We must invest in ourselves.

 As always, please share this post with anyone that you feel can benefit from it! Please like us on your social media channels and subscribe to our mailing list if you haven't already done so! We are mailing out a monthly newsletter and a recap each week of our blog posts and interesting tidbits! This is how you can stay informed with what is new in the world of The Holistic Soul Healer!!

Love & Blessings,

Ruth

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[wowifinallymadeanaccount]

Wow I finally watched Ready or not and holy SHIT

I went into it already having a roundabout idea of what was going to happen - I also knew Grace survived due to a spoiler I'd seen but that was on me and I own that as this movie has been out for a few years now

But something I wanted to talk about, or more someone, was Daniel.

Fucking Daniel.

He was the hero in disguise the whole time.

As if trying to make up for the wrong he did all those years ago with the innocent groom.

He was trying to warn Grace without pointedly warning her before the wedding.

He gave Grace a ten second headstart when he Accidently stumbled across her.

Heck I feel like he would have left Grace go in the Forrest if his father wasn't right there.

And that's what made him smart.

He didn't compromise his own position in the family to help her, until the perfect moment arrived.

But the question is, did he always know he was going to do good? Did it change every minute?

We obviously see he is not the same as his family, as his own wife, through the whole movie. So it's safe to assume his different views of what is right and wrong and 'having a soul' is different from his family. Could this have been from the trauma of what happened to him as a child? Or has he always felt this way?

We see in the childhood flashback that the two brothers are obviously scared, as if they can get hurt themselves. The two boys in the present don't feel the same way, they're excited and hungry to be apart of the family festivities.

It's just interesting to think about what experiences or what core values they have grown with etc. - What are the reasons when growing up in a family like this?

Daniel waited for the perfect moment to strike, to save the innocent bride, but he didn't kill his family no - because at the end of the day they're still his family. He isn't that person to kill his family, that would just make him one of them, But he knows when their 'family traditions' need to be stopped.

Oh my poor poor sweet boy, you should not have married gold digger charity.

Ironic, isn't it?

And what was the reason for him getting married? If he has always felt this way towards the game, why would be potentially put someone else through it?

We see not everyone gets a traumatic and death-ending game like Hide and Seek. But there's always a risk of it isn't there?

So why would he do that when it doesn't even look like he loves her? Did he ever love her? It's portrayed that she only wanted the money, to be apart of the family.

Oh wait, she ended up shooting him to ensure the family, fame and fortune she was apart of would continue to thrive.

Nevermind, fuck her.

(I mean she was kinda hot)

OKAY NOT THE TIME-

But you also gotta wonder if Daniel hadn't of died, would little brother have snapped the way he did and completely turned on the love of his life he'd done everything he could all night to protect?

Alright onto more important things.

Is it just me or did Daniel become x10000000000 fucking hotter when he suddenly went against his family and became the hero?

Before that moment, Fuck yeah he was attractive. His little sarcastic remarks. The good little things he did like giving Grace a headstart. His beautiful hair and little undone tie. And of course his voice, because it's me.

But when he 'poisoned' his family and freed her? Became the hero of this story?

BOI I WAS ON MY KNEEEEEEEESSSSSSS FOR THIS MAN LIKE YES SIR 🛐

Also the fact that the curse or whatever it was called ended up being real? I DIED. SO UNEXPECTED. I LOVED IT. FUCKING, LOVED IT.

SUCK ON THEM TIDDY DICKS BITCHES.

All in all I was very happy I finally got to watch this movie after so long of anticipation. But I wish Daniel didn't have to die. I'm glad Grace survived because she deserved to, but Daniel didn't deserve to die.

But I guess, there could never of been a future where both of them live. Could there?

Oh fuck me I just realised that.