#a massive douche

[girlypopification]

i'm... you know sometimes you read a book and its just this close to being perfect but. one thing is just off. tales from vesperia is weeeeiiiird and kind of fucking mortifying to read but it's REALLY funny and i really loved every single character but the main love interest and like. hes awful hes just so fucking annoying oh my godddd .... and he's genuinely like such a mid fucking guy dude. like. i was legit disappointed like noooo is this what it feels like when people have thoroughly unimpressive and subpar significant others that u just get so disappointed and confused by... thats me rn... like sam baby NO!!!

[shinakazami1]

Transcript of IGN Handsome Jack QnA

This thing doesn't have the whole text but - questions and some of my fav Meg-Jack interactions :^] I tried to write their speech patterns as close as possible

Transcript under the cut:

0:30: Question: Is Buttstallion the best horse ever Jack : Well it’s my horse. That I made her ( <- FACT CHECK: he bought her) out-out of diamonds, so…

0:45 Q: What it’s like wearing a face (mask - though in video it's funnily shown) J: It’s not a mask, it’s a freaking face! Do people think I’m wearing a freaking mask on my face? MEG!! I’m kidding. You’re cute tho. You know what it’s like—do you ever put a onesie on right out of the dryer? (whisper) it’s like that. (normal volume) It’s cosy. It just feels right. And a cool thing about wearing a face is – you can swap them out with however many people you kill in course of an afternoon or a week or whatever. You get off that face – you put on another one! (laughs mid-sentence) It’s fantastic. I can look at whoever. I could look like you Meg if I wanted to. I might later. Wear your face.

1:43 Q: Boxers or briefs? J: Commando!

1:50 Q: What dead celebrity would you bring back? J: Tom Cruise. (learning he is still alive) He’s not dead. Oh. Well-well let’s kill him and then I can bring him back to life or whatever.

2:10 -2:52 (Off top) J: Where did you get these pretzels Meg: From the Hyperion vending machine J: They’re delicious. (long silence) They’re good. (longer) I promise someone will clean it up – my God that’s what happens If you drink beer at lunch, people!

(….) J: Pandorian, people are dumb but loyal. M: I’m loyal sir. I’m very, very very- J: Nah, so much of this. M: Oh yes, sir.

2:15 (Answer 3:25) Q: Do people recognise your voice in public? J: I’m all over the fucking place. I’m in megaphones, I’m in-in like convenience store, vending machines so—yeah. Yeah uh, I have to say. Yeah.

3:48 Q: Favourite type of weapon? J: What do you think, Meg? M: Uhh-anything that kills, sir. J: Well, I would say Hyperion would be a good start, wouldn’t you. M: (louder, nervously) That would be a very good start. J: There you go. Smart… uh. (Awkward horrible silence he prob wanted to say ‘smart girl’ and im glad he didn’t say it cus Jesus Christ man how much cringe can you spout out of your mouth). Anything made by Hyperion and anything that and anything that inflicts, like you said. Fairness to you. The most damage possible.

4:09 Q: (person wanted a greeting for her cat Tunses) J: Hey Tunses.

4:30 Q: Which Vault Hunter do you hate the least and which the most? J: I try not to play favourites. I hate them all the same. M: They’re all pretty terribl- J: (growling) They’re all equally hateable. M: They’re all pretty terrible. (you go girl say your lines) J: Each and every one of them. M: They all want to kill you, sir. J: God I hate them so much.

(Off top) J: (soft laugh) I enjoy your company M: You would make a great voice actor, sir. J: You know I’ve heard that! Yeah yeah yeah – people tell me sh# t all the time. You know. Like : , uh- I (chuckles) get that you, babe- M: You can cook, sir?! J: I- uh, um, I, uh – yeah. I'm really quite handy in the kitchen. M: Yeah? J: Yeah. M: What do you like to make sir. J: I find it- I find it z-zens me out after coming home and washing all the blood out of my clothes.

5:25 Q: Why are you so perfect? J: I don’t know, ask my mom. (pause) You can’t – you can’t because she’s dead, I killed her – but if she was alive, you could ask my mom.

(offtop) J: (playing the game) Where is my oxygen level? M: So, your oxygen level isssss – where the hell is it? J; Come on Meg – I cannot with your (Meg breaks out laughing) you stupid little sh#t like this (they both laugh) and you’re letting me dooown. M: Oh my God I’m the worst!! J: No it’s right over (chin upfront sounding voice idk how else to call him becoming a goblin) it’s right over there, did your little brain fall out of your head, Meg? M: Sorry, should be on your map. J: (genuine soft sounding) Why am I so mean to you? M: I don’t know, sir. J: (still soft, but cool persona) AAA that’s cus of what- that’s what I do.

J: How does Handsome Jack butt slam? M: I think youuuu- J: Anyway he likes (laughs) M: (chuckles) Yes, yes, exactly- J: Joke right there. Welcome

(…) J: That’s what the hip kid say. Instead of , they say (he becomes sonic and laughs like him). Did you know that? M: No, sir J: Yeah. That’s what they do.

(…) M: (after Jack killed a few monsters) Good job! J: Thank you Meg! Thank you for being such a loyal supporter. M: Absolutely sir: J: Really appreciate you, Meg. M: You do sir??? J: Claptrap (HEEEELP THE TIMING??? WHY DOES HE SAY THIS) M: That’s great. Oh- J: I appreciate you Claptrap.

(…) J: Gotta get some things- M: Yes. J: Gotta get some uh- hopefully some grenades. I love- I love the grenades! I got to say, I’m a huge fan (starts chuckling) blowing sh#t up.

7:25 Q: Is Handsome Jack happy? J: (laughs) That’s a great question. It’s deep, isn’t it? Um, there’s a lot of smiling going on here (chuckle) but really, I’m dead inside. It seems like everything I say has just a weird connotation to it. Some kind of inappropriate connotation to it. (sincere) Did you- did you ever noticed that? M: No, sir. J: Good answer! (laughs)

(Offtop) J: Ah for f#ck sake (kills a skag) M: That’s where you’re supposed to go. J: That’s – so I got to go outside. M: Yeah, you have to go outside. J: So you were right. Before. First time for everything, Claptrap. M: Yes. Yes sir. J: Yes siiiir.

(…) M: You’re doing great, sir. J: Atta girl. (pause) I got- I got to stop saying that. (laughs) Okay (nervous chuckles continue) M: And you got another badass rank so you can use that as well. J: Oh, okay – that’s see- now that is some useful information. M: (joyful and surprised) Really?? J: Yeah!

(…) J: (Asks about a game feature. Ben, someone out of the mic, answers before Meg in a monotone voice) Why is Ben so much smarter than you. Ummm- (nervous chuckle turning into silent cry-laugh between Meg and him) M: I’m doing my best sir. J: Ay-ay.

(…) J: What the f that just happened here. That just- I just picked that and now I can-okay. M: You have- you have- you have multiple. So it-do-does it— J: Oh, you’re God, how do you make so much sense when you say things. (…) J: (talking about enemy name pronounciation) Had to do an r-roll with that criiiticic crrrretin (??? im sorry I cant hear it well 9:15 pls help ) M: That’s very – that’s very fancy, sir. J: Mmm. You know what I am? M: What are you? J: I’m so fancy. M: You’re- J: I’m schmancy. (Meg snickers) You cut that one out too, Ben. That was- that was some bullsh#t (laughs) M: You’re so fancy, we already know.

(…) J: (About game dialogue) I don’t know who that is but I find them (emphasis) extrrrRRREMELY annoying. M: Oh they are the Vault Hunters si- J: (immediately) God they’re f#cking annoying, aren’t they. M: They are really, really annoyin- J: I feel like they’re trying too hard, that’s the thing. That’s the thing that’s standing out for me here. M: Yes, I think you should kill them. J: It’s one thing to be naturally funny and then there’s another – it’s another thing to- to be like – you know what I mean like – put yourself out there too much, feel like you’re overcompensating is the world I’m looking for. M: Don’t think you have to worry about that at all. J: (smooth convo swap) You know what I’m liking the most about this game? M: What do you like- J: The lack of Claptrap. M: Oh-uh, well, he is, he’s in here, if you want to- J: Listen, that’s fine – I’m in a good mood run right now, you don’t have to ruin it byyy talking about how I’m going to run into Claptrap. M: (silence) Okay sir. I’ll be quiet, sir. (pause) Yes. (pause) OH!! There’s Claptrap (in-game) Claptrap: HELLOOO- J: Oh you little son of a b#tch. Welcome to the pit of pseudo-solid sorrows, that is some alliteration. That’s a literary term for (long sign) all you people that didn’t finish school. Meg. Arena – of, partially see-through Triumph, the Hippodrome of marginally tangible everything else. (quieter) Do that make any sense to you? M: (joyful) No sir.

(…) Axton (in-game): Is it going to be a LONG story? Gaige (in-game): Yeah, just give us the Bluff’s Notes. J: (Jack is mimicking Axton’s voice) Wait, is it going to be a loooooong story? M: Yeah, they just keep talking- J: Axton is a handsome guy. M: Kinda looks like you sir- J: A little TOO handsome, if you ask me. M: He’s not as handsome as you. J: Well- I mean (chuckles) good luck with that, right. M: I mean, he might sort of be but- J: Oi! (pause) Slow your roll, sister. All right – wait, I was too busy talking, cus I love the sound of my own voice, now the f#ck am I doing? Am I loaded for bear? (Meg is trying to talk) Oh wait- M: I feel you are. No, you’re full (on amo), oh- J: Oh yeah, okay. That’s what she said. (immediately quickly nervously) Joking there. Okay if you want to, TAKE IT MAG feel free take it. M: No, that’s- J: (forceful) TAKE the joke, MAAG. M: I-I- J: Take the joke or you’re fired, Mag – or wait actually – take the joke or I’ll set you on fire, Meg. M: (playful) That’s what she said, yeah? J: God it just-it just sounds so much better coming from you for some reason.

(…) J: I think living on the moon would kind of suck. M: Why? J: I mean uh- I mean if you had to run like this all the time, you’d think it would be more advantageous or better than uhh, running –uh, say with like, uh, gravity? M: (smacks lips) Yeah, but you can do- J: Yeah but gravity Meg, is something it’s-it’s a force of energy that keeps the- it’s the Earth and the moon create, and it keeps things on the… neverm- ff, M: That was a great explanation, sir. J: (defeated) That’s fine. M: I have no idea what the hell you just said. J: (chuckles) It’s really – it was really scientific, wasn’t it? - M: It’s a thing! J: It’s a thing with the… M: I think it’s a good place to wrap this up.

(….) J: You want to do another-another thing? M: Uhh, I don’t, I don’t think we have time to do another thing, sir. J: Is that because I’m so busy and important that I have to go do stuff that is, I have people to do, and places to see- M: You’re- J: Places to see and people- I mean, places to go, people to see, things to do. M: All that. J: Yeah. M: All that more. J: Correct (laugh) Well listen, kids, first of all – you’re welcome, because this has been a real treat. Sorry about- what was your name again? M: Meg. J: Yeah, she tries real hard but uhh- let’s face it. Uhhh I don’t know. We will see. M: Thanks. J: You still might get a retirement package out of this. M: Oh- that’s great. That’s uhh- J: But it’s been a lot of fun, will go to build homeless shelters, and, (pause and rapid speech) dig wells. M: In Africa. J: Yep. M: And by Africa, we mean Africa on Pandora. J: (giggle) Yes.

[theoryandahalf]

Did you see Santi’s most recent Instagram post captioned “my skin feels like Tom looks” to which Tom replied “smoking hot? Why thank you!” because I did and atp I can’t tell if the beef or the flirting is their true dynamic…

But also Tom and Sanyo are 100x more chaotic on Instagram and their interactions make me wheeze every time.

I hadn't until I saw this ask! Thanks anon! ALL of Team Theorist is more chaotic on Insta, its like they know Matt doesn't check that thing at all.

Case in point.

I wanna say Santi's default is to flirt because some of the live action scenes he shared with Matt also had me shaking my head. Like when Matt literally hung off Santi's bicep like a smol bean. They know what they're doing and I'm here for it.

[dd-is-my-guiltypleasure]

[soren-apologist]

honestly i think the context that soren didn’t actually know he was branded until coming to begnion makes his feelings on the laguz make more sense

if he’d known he was the one thing laguz despise most it would be one thing, but since he was under the assumption he was just some sort of spirit charmer he probably figured that the laguz were cruel, unwelcoming bastards who hated him in particular for no real reason. doesn’t exactly help that the first real interaction he had with laguz in like a decade was with lethe, who basically was what soren assumed all laguz were like

[shevr]

literally said 'God Damn!!!' out loud at that selfie you are soo pretty

thank u very much im glad i could push you to blasphemy

[upwards-descent]

The co-op run is officially started and we both made our Dream Guardians our characters' exes 😂

[floorpancakes]

so i have takes 👉👈

[cybervom1t]

uhm hi i got a lot of new followers overnight (how’s it going my lovelies!!!!) and i just wanted to drop a very gentle and quiet reminder i have a premium Snapchat if y’all are interested 🥺 i use it more than tumblr messaging and you’d be able to see my silly face 24/7 💓

[oars]

it really shouldn't shock me that people like ascended astarion but personally id like him dead chu xoxo 💗 yes babe youre continuing the abusive cycle youre sooooo hot 😍

[sapphireclawe]

I looked it up and the reason she's suing is because of both how the ride was designed and the potential safety measures that could have been in place to protect her that weren't there, and I think she's suing for her medical bills being paid (like Stella Liebeck).

Coincidentally, in a lot of cases it seems like insurance doesn't cover things like this unless you sue whoever is responsible in the first place (see: the woman who sued her 12 year old nephew was only doing so to get her insurance and her sibling's insurance to let her not go into debt over a broken arm) so it wouldn't surprise me that she's just trying to not be in debt over the deadly douching.

[phoebeprufrock]

So I’ve been in the process of moving towards self-employment (it’s. definitely A Process) and one of the things I struggle with the most is social media. Just — the thought of having to put what I do Out There™️ and having people see it, and it being good enough for people to see is fucking horrible. And I have other self employed friends who agree that it’s awful but they all go “you just have to Do It” and no offense but its easy for them to say when they’re like, therapists and personal trainers and accountants. They are marketing their skills, they’re not posting their fucking SOUL trapped in a Pokémon cross stitched sweatshirt that took forty fucking hours to make and getting two likes on it. And how much fucking content can you even get out of your work when it all takes SO FUCKING LONG and you’re shit at taking pictures and you need to ask people to hire you as a teacher or commission your stuff.

Anyway. I’ve been journaling a lot about it because it’s genuinely been stressing me out so much. And then I just thought, you know what — fuck it. I’ll just post that. Talk about crafting as a practice, fixing clothes as a revolutionary act, getting from the language in your head to something in your hands…. I want to teach people that when I teach them how to make something, so why wouldn’t I talk about it? Talk about community, about the importance of crafting as a communal act, crafting as a process.

I mean, people have appreciated my writing before, is it so crazy to think it might give context to my crafting? Sometimes it feels like I’m asking for absolution with my crafting, confessing the monumental fucking hubris it took to even consider that I could be worthy of having something I made exist in the world. So maybe writing about is a bit of that.

And maybe people won’t be into that but realistically if I have to bow down to King Content it might as well be by doing something I believe in. I’d rather fail and have something I believe in rather than never start because I refuse to participate in the endless production of social media slob to appease The Algorithm.

Idk, we’ll see

[quokkafoxtrot]

I only post quality content.

[ridersofbrohon]

hey Paul, here's an idea: go fuck yourself

[tawnyow-l]

Binnington had a point?

[island-in-the-shadows]

In my best Miranda Priestley impersonation: "Mean and Toxic Vampires? Groundbreaking."

Who would want them to be anything but messy? I ❤️ these mean and toxic vampire messes and their fucked up dodecahedron of affection. 🍿

“lestat and armand are too mean/toxic/immoral to be main characters of the show!” you Will Not survive season 3