#a massive douche

[girlypopification]

i'm... you know sometimes you read a book and its just this close to being perfect but. one thing is just off. tales from vesperia is weeeeiiiird and kind of fucking mortifying to read but it's REALLY funny and i really loved every single character but the main love interest and like. hes awful hes just so fucking annoying oh my godddd .... and he's genuinely like such a mid fucking guy dude. like. i was legit disappointed like noooo is this what it feels like when people have thoroughly unimpressive and subpar significant others that u just get so disappointed and confused by... thats me rn... like sam baby NO!!!

[shinakazami1]

Transcript of IGN Handsome Jack QnA

This thing doesn't have the whole text but - questions and some of my fav Meg-Jack interactions :^] I tried to write their speech patterns as close as possible

Transcript under the cut:

0:30: Question: Is Buttstallion the best horse ever Jack : Well it’s my horse. That I made her ( <- FACT CHECK: he bought her) out-out of diamonds, so…

0:45 Q: What it’s like wearing a face (mask - though in video it's funnily shown) J: It’s not a mask, it’s a freaking face! Do people think I’m wearing a freaking mask on my face? MEG!! I’m kidding. You’re cute tho. You know what it’s like—do you ever put a onesie on right out of the dryer? (whisper) it’s like that. (normal volume) It’s cosy. It just feels right. And a cool thing about wearing a face is – you can swap them out with however many people you kill in course of an afternoon or a week or whatever. You get off that face – you put on another one! (laughs mid-sentence) It’s fantastic. I can look at whoever. I could look like you Meg if I wanted to. I might later. Wear your face.

1:43 Q: Boxers or briefs? J: Commando!

1:50 Q: What dead celebrity would you bring back? J: Tom Cruise. (learning he is still alive) He’s not dead. Oh. Well-well let’s kill him and then I can bring him back to life or whatever.

2:10 -2:52 (Off top) J: Where did you get these pretzels Meg: From the Hyperion vending machine J: They’re delicious. (long silence) They’re good. (longer) I promise someone will clean it up – my God that’s what happens If you drink beer at lunch, people!

(….) J: Pandorian, people are dumb but loyal. M: I’m loyal sir. I’m very, very very- J: Nah, so much of this. M: Oh yes, sir.

2:15 (Answer 3:25) Q: Do people recognise your voice in public? J: I’m all over the fucking place. I’m in megaphones, I’m in-in like convenience store, vending machines so—yeah. Yeah uh, I have to say. Yeah.

3:48 Q: Favourite type of weapon? J: What do you think, Meg? M: Uhh-anything that kills, sir. J: Well, I would say Hyperion would be a good start, wouldn’t you. M: (louder, nervously) That would be a very good start. J: There you go. Smart… uh. (Awkward horrible silence he prob wanted to say ‘smart girl’ and im glad he didn’t say it cus Jesus Christ man how much cringe can you spout out of your mouth). Anything made by Hyperion and anything that and anything that inflicts, like you said. Fairness to you. The most damage possible.

4:09 Q: (person wanted a greeting for her cat Tunses) J: Hey Tunses.

4:30 Q: Which Vault Hunter do you hate the least and which the most? J: I try not to play favourites. I hate them all the same. M: They’re all pretty terribl- J: (growling) They’re all equally hateable. M: They’re all pretty terrible. (you go girl say your lines) J: Each and every one of them. M: They all want to kill you, sir. J: God I hate them so much.

(Off top) J: (soft laugh) I enjoy your company M: You would make a great voice actor, sir. J: You know I’ve heard that! Yeah yeah yeah – people tell me sh# t all the time. You know. Like : , uh- I (chuckles) get that you, babe- M: You can cook, sir?! J: I- uh, um, I, uh – yeah. I'm really quite handy in the kitchen. M: Yeah? J: Yeah. M: What do you like to make sir. J: I find it- I find it z-zens me out after coming home and washing all the blood out of my clothes.

5:25 Q: Why are you so perfect? J: I don’t know, ask my mom. (pause) You can’t – you can’t because she’s dead, I killed her – but if she was alive, you could ask my mom.

(offtop) J: (playing the game) Where is my oxygen level? M: So, your oxygen level isssss – where the hell is it? J; Come on Meg – I cannot with your (Meg breaks out laughing) you stupid little sh#t like this (they both laugh) and you’re letting me dooown. M: Oh my God I’m the worst!! J: No it’s right over (chin upfront sounding voice idk how else to call him becoming a goblin) it’s right over there, did your little brain fall out of your head, Meg? M: Sorry, should be on your map. J: (genuine soft sounding) Why am I so mean to you? M: I don’t know, sir. J: (still soft, but cool persona) AAA that’s cus of what- that’s what I do.

J: How does Handsome Jack butt slam? M: I think youuuu- J: Anyway he likes (laughs) M: (chuckles) Yes, yes, exactly- J: Joke right there. Welcome

(…) J: That’s what the hip kid say. Instead of , they say (he becomes sonic and laughs like him). Did you know that? M: No, sir J: Yeah. That’s what they do.

(…) M: (after Jack killed a few monsters) Good job! J: Thank you Meg! Thank you for being such a loyal supporter. M: Absolutely sir: J: Really appreciate you, Meg. M: You do sir??? J: Claptrap (HEEEELP THE TIMING??? WHY DOES HE SAY THIS) M: That’s great. Oh- J: I appreciate you Claptrap.

(…) J: Gotta get some things- M: Yes. J: Gotta get some uh- hopefully some grenades. I love- I love the grenades! I got to say, I’m a huge fan (starts chuckling) blowing sh#t up.

7:25 Q: Is Handsome Jack happy? J: (laughs) That’s a great question. It’s deep, isn’t it? Um, there’s a lot of smiling going on here (chuckle) but really, I’m dead inside. It seems like everything I say has just a weird connotation to it. Some kind of inappropriate connotation to it. (sincere) Did you- did you ever noticed that? M: No, sir. J: Good answer! (laughs)

(Offtop) J: Ah for f#ck sake (kills a skag) M: That’s where you’re supposed to go. J: That’s – so I got to go outside. M: Yeah, you have to go outside. J: So you were right. Before. First time for everything, Claptrap. M: Yes. Yes sir. J: Yes siiiir.

(…) M: You’re doing great, sir. J: Atta girl. (pause) I got- I got to stop saying that. (laughs) Okay (nervous chuckles continue) M: And you got another badass rank so you can use that as well. J: Oh, okay – that’s see- now that is some useful information. M: (joyful and surprised) Really?? J: Yeah!

(…) J: (Asks about a game feature. Ben, someone out of the mic, answers before Meg in a monotone voice) Why is Ben so much smarter than you. Ummm- (nervous chuckle turning into silent cry-laugh between Meg and him) M: I’m doing my best sir. J: Ay-ay.

(…) J: What the f that just happened here. That just- I just picked that and now I can-okay. M: You have- you have- you have multiple. So it-do-does it— J: Oh, you’re God, how do you make so much sense when you say things. (…) J: (talking about enemy name pronounciation) Had to do an r-roll with that criiiticic crrrretin (??? im sorry I cant hear it well 9:15 pls help ) M: That’s very – that’s very fancy, sir. J: Mmm. You know what I am? M: What are you? J: I’m so fancy. M: You’re- J: I’m schmancy. (Meg snickers) You cut that one out too, Ben. That was- that was some bullsh#t (laughs) M: You’re so fancy, we already know.

(…) J: (About game dialogue) I don’t know who that is but I find them (emphasis) extrrrRRREMELY annoying. M: Oh they are the Vault Hunters si- J: (immediately) God they’re f#cking annoying, aren’t they. M: They are really, really annoyin- J: I feel like they’re trying too hard, that’s the thing. That’s the thing that’s standing out for me here. M: Yes, I think you should kill them. J: It’s one thing to be naturally funny and then there’s another – it’s another thing to- to be like – you know what I mean like – put yourself out there too much, feel like you’re overcompensating is the world I’m looking for. M: Don’t think you have to worry about that at all. J: (smooth convo swap) You know what I’m liking the most about this game? M: What do you like- J: The lack of Claptrap. M: Oh-uh, well, he is, he’s in here, if you want to- J: Listen, that’s fine – I’m in a good mood run right now, you don’t have to ruin it byyy talking about how I’m going to run into Claptrap. M: (silence) Okay sir. I’ll be quiet, sir. (pause) Yes. (pause) OH!! There’s Claptrap (in-game) Claptrap: HELLOOO- J: Oh you little son of a b#tch. Welcome to the pit of pseudo-solid sorrows, that is some alliteration. That’s a literary term for (long sign) all you people that didn’t finish school. Meg. Arena – of, partially see-through Triumph, the Hippodrome of marginally tangible everything else. (quieter) Do that make any sense to you? M: (joyful) No sir.

(…) Axton (in-game): Is it going to be a LONG story? Gaige (in-game): Yeah, just give us the Bluff’s Notes. J: (Jack is mimicking Axton’s voice) Wait, is it going to be a loooooong story? M: Yeah, they just keep talking- J: Axton is a handsome guy. M: Kinda looks like you sir- J: A little TOO handsome, if you ask me. M: He’s not as handsome as you. J: Well- I mean (chuckles) good luck with that, right. M: I mean, he might sort of be but- J: Oi! (pause) Slow your roll, sister. All right – wait, I was too busy talking, cus I love the sound of my own voice, now the f#ck am I doing? Am I loaded for bear? (Meg is trying to talk) Oh wait- M: I feel you are. No, you’re full (on amo), oh- J: Oh yeah, okay. That’s what she said. (immediately quickly nervously) Joking there. Okay if you want to, TAKE IT MAG feel free take it. M: No, that’s- J: (forceful) TAKE the joke, MAAG. M: I-I- J: Take the joke or you’re fired, Mag – or wait actually – take the joke or I’ll set you on fire, Meg. M: (playful) That’s what she said, yeah? J: God it just-it just sounds so much better coming from you for some reason.

(…) J: I think living on the moon would kind of suck. M: Why? J: I mean uh- I mean if you had to run like this all the time, you’d think it would be more advantageous or better than uhh, running –uh, say with like, uh, gravity? M: (smacks lips) Yeah, but you can do- J: Yeah but gravity Meg, is something it’s-it’s a force of energy that keeps the- it’s the Earth and the moon create, and it keeps things on the… neverm- ff, M: That was a great explanation, sir. J: (defeated) That’s fine. M: I have no idea what the hell you just said. J: (chuckles) It’s really – it was really scientific, wasn’t it? - M: It’s a thing! J: It’s a thing with the… M: I think it’s a good place to wrap this up.

(….) J: You want to do another-another thing? M: Uhh, I don’t, I don’t think we have time to do another thing, sir. J: Is that because I’m so busy and important that I have to go do stuff that is, I have people to do, and places to see- M: You’re- J: Places to see and people- I mean, places to go, people to see, things to do. M: All that. J: Yeah. M: All that more. J: Correct (laugh) Well listen, kids, first of all – you’re welcome, because this has been a real treat. Sorry about- what was your name again? M: Meg. J: Yeah, she tries real hard but uhh- let’s face it. Uhhh I don’t know. We will see. M: Thanks. J: You still might get a retirement package out of this. M: Oh- that’s great. That’s uhh- J: But it’s been a lot of fun, will go to build homeless shelters, and, (pause and rapid speech) dig wells. M: In Africa. J: Yep. M: And by Africa, we mean Africa on Pandora. J: (giggle) Yes.

[theoryandahalf]

Did you see Santi’s most recent Instagram post captioned “my skin feels like Tom looks” to which Tom replied “smoking hot? Why thank you!” because I did and atp I can’t tell if the beef or the flirting is their true dynamic…

But also Tom and Sanyo are 100x more chaotic on Instagram and their interactions make me wheeze every time.

I hadn't until I saw this ask! Thanks anon! ALL of Team Theorist is more chaotic on Insta, its like they know Matt doesn't check that thing at all.

Case in point.

I wanna say Santi's default is to flirt because some of the live action scenes he shared with Matt also had me shaking my head. Like when Matt literally hung off Santi's bicep like a smol bean. They know what they're doing and I'm here for it.

[dd-is-my-guiltypleasure]

[soren-apologist]

honestly i think the context that soren didn’t actually know he was branded until coming to begnion makes his feelings on the laguz make more sense

if he’d known he was the one thing laguz despise most it would be one thing, but since he was under the assumption he was just some sort of spirit charmer he probably figured that the laguz were cruel, unwelcoming bastards who hated him in particular for no real reason. doesn’t exactly help that the first real interaction he had with laguz in like a decade was with lethe, who basically was what soren assumed all laguz were like

[bucephaly]

Hh I have that reconnecting cherokee masterpost thing p much done and it's stupid long but whatever, I just know im gunna sit on it for a week or two before I feel like I can post it. I'd like to get some more eyes on it to double check everything before it goes up

[amberkendslacy]

Male vampire character: yeah I was turned by my wife/girlfriend/lover but turns out she was crazy-

Me:

[shevr]

literally said 'God Damn!!!' out loud at that selfie you are soo pretty

thank u very much im glad i could push you to blasphemy

[upwards-descent]

The co-op run is officially started and we both made our Dream Guardians our characters' exes 😂

[floorpancakes]

so i have takes 👉👈

[cybervom1t]

uhm hi i got a lot of new followers overnight (how’s it going my lovelies!!!!) and i just wanted to drop a very gentle and quiet reminder i have a premium Snapchat if y’all are interested 🥺 i use it more than tumblr messaging and you’d be able to see my silly face 24/7 💓

[cherpbooboo]

Writing homestuck fanfiction while using homestuck fanfiction from 2011 as a reference because for some reason everyone who wrote Dave strider in 2011-2015 were all linked to a hive mind and wrote him perfectly

[oars]

it really shouldn't shock me that people like ascended astarion but personally id like him dead chu xoxo 💗 yes babe youre continuing the abusive cycle youre sooooo hot 😍

[throughsmilingeyes]

Someone please explain to me why I love Kendall Roy so much

[sapphireclawe]

I looked it up and the reason she's suing is because of both how the ride was designed and the potential safety measures that could have been in place to protect her that weren't there, and I think she's suing for her medical bills being paid (like Stella Liebeck).

Coincidentally, in a lot of cases it seems like insurance doesn't cover things like this unless you sue whoever is responsible in the first place (see: the woman who sued her 12 year old nephew was only doing so to get her insurance and her sibling's insurance to let her not go into debt over a broken arm) so it wouldn't surprise me that she's just trying to not be in debt over the deadly douching.

[ramblinganthropologist]

N7 24 6- Identity

Summary: Alistair's more than used to people not liking him because he's not exactly your typical Alliance marine. So, he's not too surprised when his sister's ex doesn't like him. Oh well, his loss.

---

“You know you didn’t have to come with me. We could’ve gone back to Anora’s house on the bus.”

“Al, I know you have zero self esteem but people know who you fucking are. No.”

Thanks to that no, Alistair found himself in the passenger seat of a car being driven by his sister. Bo, unlike him, actually had a license. He’d never really needed one – the only thing he ever drove was the Mako, and according to his crew he was being generous with his choice of verbs. Either way, he was the passenger prince that afternoon.

It was a simple mission – pick up his niece Kelly from her father’s house and take her home for her week with her mother. Anora usually did it herself, but something had come up at work. Accountants weren’t spared from the war – he could sympathize. So that was why he had agreed to go get her when he had touched down on the Citadel.

Bo had been the one to insist on driving, though.

“Anyway, are we almost there?” Bo kept her eyes on the road, while his were on his omni-tool. She didn’t trust GPS – had they had physical maps, she would’ve been relying on one of those. Unfortunately, they didn’t make those for the Citadel for obvious reasons. Thus it was up to him to navigate.

He nodded as he checked the directions. “Make a right at the next corner, then go straight. We’ll pull up at Sam’s place soon.”

His sister nodded and followed his directions. “Did Anora say anything about her ex that we need to know? He is her ex after all.”

Alistair shrugged his shoulders as he watched the dot on his omni-tool screen move closer to his ex-brother-in-law’s house. It wasn’t like he and Anora spoke much outside of talking about Kelly. His niece was the only reason they spoke at all if he was going to be completely honest – had she not been there, they would’ve had one conversation and then faded out completely.

“No idea. She never told me why they divorced. He can’t be that bad, he’s got 50-50 custody of Kelly.”

Bo snorted. “That means fuck all and you know it.”

Yeah… fair. But he was going to give the man the benefit of the doubt, if only for Kelly’s sake. For all he knew, Sam was a normal guy who just hadn’t worked out long term with his sister. He seemed to care about his daughter, so he couldn’t have been that bad.

Right?

That thought stayed with Alistair as they pulled up to the house. Bo stayed in the car, but he got out and headed to the door. It sounded quiet on the inside, but apart from that everything seemed normal. Shrugging his shoulders, he knocked on the door and stepped back to wait.

Footsteps came towards the door, and then it swung open. A man was standing on the other side, about a decade older than him if he had to guess. There wasn’t anything particularly notable about him – he just seemed like some guy.

“Can I-“ his eyes narrowed. “What the hell is a Spectre doing at my door?”

Oh, great – Sam knew who he was. Wonderful, that saved him the trouble of making introductions.

Alistair kept his face neutral – reacting would do him no good. “Hi, I’m Anora’s brother Alistair. She’s given me permission to pick up Kelly for her week.”

He went to his omni-tool to pull up the email she had sent him with the request, but all he got for his statement was a scoff of distaste. Sam’s body was rigid, and he looked like he had smelled something foul.

“I know who you are.” He spat the words like venom. “You’re that girl who thinks she’s a man making the Alliance look bad by consorting with the aliens. I knew Anora’s family was crazy, but I didn’t realize it went that far.”

Alistair’s eyes narrowed. “No, I believe I’m your ex-brother-in-law, here to pick up your daughter.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d heard someone insult him like that. When he had first become a Spectre, detractors had gone all in on his gender. It hadn’t helped that before his name had come out, some news outlets had thought he was a woman. Most people let the matter drop, but some held onto it as if how he identified was any of their business.

Some of those people were apparently his sister’s ex. Lovely.

Briefly, Alistair’s eyes traveled past the man’s shoulder and into his house. On the back wall, he spied a familiar logo that brought everything into focus. Apparently, his sister’s ex-husband was at the very least a supporter of the Terra Firma party.

Who, if he remembered right, really hated him for letting aliens onto the Normandy. They had missed the part where turians had contributed to building the damn thing, but why let facts get in the way of prejudice?

“I don’t care, I’m not letting Kelly go with a freak like you. It’s bad enough her mother brought a damn turian into the house and makes her go to that school.” His eyes narrowed. “So get the fuck off my property, before I call C-SEC.”

Alistair smiled at that. “And if the officer that shows up happens to be turian or asari?”

Ok, he should’ve been better than that. But could you blame him?

Sam grit his teeth, hand on the frame of the door. No doubt he wanted to slam it shut in his face. Unfortunately for him, the Citadel didn’t mess around when it came to enforcing custody agreements.

He probably hated that too, though – it had come about due to non-custodial parents taking the kids to their home planet.

“Dad, is Uncle Al here?”

Kelly’s voice sounded from the hallway, causing her father to turn. She had her backpack on and her hand was tight on the strap. She was biting her lip – Alistair’s stomach dropped. How much had she heard?

“Yeah, he’s here.” He nodded to her. “You go check and make sure you got everything, kiddo. The grownups need to talk about something before you leave and I don’t want you leaving your school books behind.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but in the end she nodded and disappeared. As soon as she was out of sight, Sam exited the house and shut the door behind him. Then he glared straight at Alistair, jaw tight.

He had seen worse.

“Listen here, Shepard.” Oh, they were on a last name basis. Fine by him, made it harder to misgender him. “I can’t do anything about that fucking turian your sister married, but I’m not letting you screw up my daughter. You keep your mouth shut about your little alien friends and how much cock you suck, are we clear?”

Alistair rolled his eyes in response, taking a page from Bo’s book. That only incensed Sam more. Unsurprisingly, the man grabbed for him, attempting to no doubt haul him up to eye level. He saw it coming a mile away and stepped back before the man could even get a grip on his hoodie. It was almost amusing to see him nearly fall in response to the change of motion.

Almost, because he had to remember Kelly could be watching.

“Please be careful, I don’t want to waste medigel.”

Sam shot him another glare as he righted himself. “I don’t need your fucking medigel.”

“No, you need to remember your daughter’s watching you.” He shook his head. “Look, just let me take her home and we can end this conversation. You can go back to your Terra Firma meetings and I’ll focus on making sure the galaxy stays in one piece so you can keep hating people.”

His would-be opponent opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it as the color drained from his face. Why became obvious as Alistair observed the shadow stretching across the pavement. Bo had gotten out of the car and had joined him on the front step, looking less than pleased at what she saw.

“This him?”

Alistair nodded. “Yes, this is Anora’s father.”

“I like her stepdad more. Good dude.” Bo shot him a blank look. “Any problems?”

Sam’s tongue took a few seconds to work. “You two are related? What fucked up gene pool did you come from?”

The one that was actually two gene pools because they weren’t actually related was probably a good place to start.

“He’s/I’m adopted.”

It wasn’t usual that they spoke at the same time, but sometimes life was just weird. It had the needed effect – his sister’s ex shrunk back. Sassing the Spectre he thought he could take in a fight was easy enough, but he lost his cool when presented with someone who fought krogan for fun.

Expected but also pathetic; after all, Alistair was one of humanity’s top defense-rated biotics. He could throw down when he wanted to just fine.

“Whatever…” He looked towards the door. “I’ll go get her.”

Then he closed the door in their faces with an audible slam. Alistair shook his head as he sighed, feeling a classic headache coming on. Next to him, Bo cracked her knuckles, and then her neck, in a relaxed succession.

“One punch is all I’m asking for, Al.”

He snorted. “He’s a civilian. One punch would kill him and then I’d have to bail you out of jail.”

“I’m a fucking Spectre, good luck arresting me. C-SEC probably have this guy’s face on a dartboard anyway.”

Oh, he had no doubt about that. Someone like Sam, who had marked issues with non-humans, probably wasn’t C-SEC’s citizen of the week.

“He probably enjoyed us being declared Spectres two years ago. Humanity getting the edge and all that.” The thought made Alistair chuckle. “And then he probably saw his pictures and regretted ever being happy about it.”

Bo smirked in response. “Bet you they were losing their shit at the Terra Firma house. Wish I could’ve been there to see it. Too bad we were a little busy saving their collective asses.”

Yes, too bad indeed. Alistair would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall for that meeting – he would’ve brought popcorn and sat back to enjoy the show. He might have been known as the nicer Shepard, but that didn’t preclude him from being a little shit from time to time.

He just covered it up better.

Speaking of someone getting their ass saved, Sam soon appeared at the door with Kelly by his side. Over her head, he shot the pair a glare, but at least he didn’t put up a fight. Instead, he turned and hugged his daughter.

“Remember to wear your seat belt, kiddo.”

Kelly nodded as she hugged back. “I will, Dad. I’ll see you next week.”

Then she broke from him and headed over to Alistair. He took her backpack from her, and soon they were heading to the car. Behind him, he heard Sam’s door slam shut with perhaps a little too much unnecessary force, but at that point it didn’t care. They had his niece – mission accomplished.

“Alright, next stop your house.” Alistair opened the door for his niece. He frowned as he watched her give him a strange look. “Is something wrong?”

Kelly shook her head as she got into the car. “You look different with short hair, Uncle Al. I liked it better long.”

…

Well, at least Sam had done his best to keep her from knowing about the conflict. Alistair had to give him that much credit. It didn’t exactly erase him being an alien hating transphobic homophobe, but… well, he had to give him something.

If not for the fact he liked his current brother in law, he would’ve said his sister had shit taste in men.

“Sorry, I’m back to military regulations now.” He rubbed the back of his exposed neck, cheeks heating slightly. Bo was snickering in the front seat, which didn’t exactly help matters. “Anyway, are you ready to go?”

His niece nodded as she clicked her seatbelt into place. Once he was sure, he joined his sister in the front seat. It was a relief to pull away from Sam’s house; it was the same sensation he got after leaving enemy territory on the shuttle.

Now, he wasn’t going to say he was worse than the Reapers, but… yeah, he didn’t like the guy at all.

---

“So, Shepard, how’d it go meeting the in-laws?”

 Joker, like always, was a real comedian as they exited the Normandy’s airlock a few hours later. Alistair was busy adjusting the neon green bandage covering a long scratch on his nose – a gift from his niece’s cat.

Nothing like a little Spectre on Spectre violence to keep him on his toes.

“Oh, he’s a real winner. He’ll be running for a party position in Terra Firma any day now.”

Bo strode past him, stretching. “He also called Al a girl, but he’s not going to say that part because he’s trying to be nice.”

Alistair shook his head at that as he pressed the bandage harder on his face – he should’ve really used medigel, but Kelly had insisted on giving him first aid. Once he had the time, he’d fix it properly.

“I figured him being in Terra Firma was bad enough without adding he was a massive transphobic asshole.”

His pilot shook his head. “Bet you’re glad he’s the ex-husband then.”

“My sister picked much better the second time around.” He sighed. “At least Kelly didn’t seem upset, so he’s controlling himself around her.”

That would’ve really set him off. After all, he knew his niece loved her stepfather and would’ve been upset had she known how her father thought of him. She was too young to hear that kind of thing – when she was older, she’d figure it out on her own what kind of man her father was.

Though, judging by her face… maybe she already knew.

“Yeah, she was more disappointed with your haircut than anything.” Bo snickered. “And here I thought I did a good job this time. Even faded it a little for you.”

That got Joker laughing – which meant Alistair blushed. Even worse, their conversation had drawn another party member. EDI appeared from within the Normandy, taking her usual place at the console.

“According to popular tabloid media, the verdict is split on the commander’s hair. Some prefer it long, while others think short is more suitable for a military member.” She rattled off the details from God knows where. “I have no opinion on the matter besides noting Alliance regulations.”

Alistair felt the sweat drip down his neck. “Thanks, EDI.”

He shook his head as he left his pilot and sister behind. There was work that needed to be done, and he wasn’t going to do it standing around. After all, they were technically at war with the Reapers. It meant more than a bit of paperwork.

Still, it had been good to see his niece, even if she was disappointed in his personal grooming habits. It was a bit of brightness in an otherwise dark period. As long as he knew she was ok, that would help.

It would at the very least take the nasty taste out of his mouth from meeting her father. God, he was glad the man was an ex.