#a mask you do not have to mask' and like yes. i understand you're reiterating the official policy

[rathockey]

on my hands and knees begging my book club to mask

[unweavinglies]

Something on Theorizing

I'm sorry if this doesn't wholeheartedly make sense, I'm sick but this has been bothering me for a bit.

So something I want to address is, the true nature of theorizing and what not. I think it's something that people often do not understand about Fan theories and theory crafting in general.

So I want to reiterate this point and hope to describe what I mean in hopes of getting people to understand it.

In short: If your Fan-theories don't read like at least a little like fanfiction, you're doing it wrong.

Allow me to elaborate:

When I have said in the past that the narrative is a spider's web of interpretations and I only hold a single thread of it, I mean that human beings are fundamentally imperfect. No single person in the world is going to understand a narrative the best--not event he author themselves, due to how imperfect we are as human beings. Everyone has grown up with their own unique experiences and biases, their own culture and customs. The moment you take your first breath, you are an imperfect human being with bias.

This is also true for the authors who create stories--because they are imperfect creatures like the rest of us, no story will ever be able to 100% convey it's message and themes. Some people will wildly interpret a core theme of a story beyond what the author had intended, because the biases of the author and the biases of their readers can vary so greatly.

And readers may take notice of things the author themselves never accounted for or thought about--an example of this happening (aside from this just, being a part of my own experiences as a creator) is when Toby Fox wrote a tweet expressing confusion as to why he created the character "Onion-san". A fan then came to interpret Onion-san's character to show how Monsters in the world of Undertale put on a mask of happiness, but are suffering from the cramped space and overpopulation for such a small space. How hard it was for Monsters to move to the city, and how hard it was to just live underground.

It was clear that Toby himself hadn't thought of this--because the prompt was his own confusion as to why the character existed.

So yes--I argue that even the creators themselves don't know their own work as well as fans think they do, which is why I almost never consider Word of God to be canon--because people change over time, their biases shift and curl, and the person you are now is now the same person that you were yesterday.

So if a creator cannot be expected to 100% know their own creation, themes, and what not, how can a fan know that?

The truth is--they cannot, and it is sheer arrogance to assume that your interpretation of canon is better than those around you. It reads, to me, that you have not come to the realization that you are indeed an imperfect being with bias, that you assume the world revolves around people who think just like you. You are not a theorist, you're just someone trying to win a competition that cannot be won because it does not exist. You bask in the pride of being "right" when everyone else is "wrong" despite your own imperfect nature.

Once you let go of your own arrogance, however, things about theorizing change drastically. You can appreciate things you don't agree with more, you can find love in your own work instead of hatred and spite, and you just more easily enjoy things overall. You can have fun with your own interpretations, discuss it with friends, laugh about it--and then, and only then, can you find your single thread of interpretation. Because you cannot find a thread in a tangled mess of a web if you aren't truly aware of what you're looking at--and you cannot see the web of a narrative if you are wearing a blindfold of arrogance.

And because you single thread of interpretation is inherently biased to you and you alone, that's why it should read as a creative outlet, like a fanfic, over something scientific or factual. You have your own biases, which means your own mind is going to read into something and read it differently than someone else. Theories can and should be creative, individual, and hell--even crazy, if you really want to just have fun with it.

So yeah. Those are just my thoughts.

[ass-sassafras]

If you're an introvert or neurodivergent and social interaction drains you, you may relate to this.

I used to get frustrated and emotional with my ex husband, and he'd be annoyed and baffled as to why I was stressed out when I'd come home from work. I told him I felt like I was always "on" even when I was home and I never had time for myself or quiet time with my own thoughts and so I got more exhausted every day even if I got enough sleep.

He assured me that I didn't have to feel like I was on. Then if I didn't remember something he told me about his job 3 months ago, he'd blow up at me because I wasn't listening to him and it showed that what he said wasn't important enough for me to remember. Keep in mind, this is technical, highly specialized stuff related to his job that I wasn't interested in and didn't understand. I'd ask clarifying questions and he'd immediately get angry because he already told me that a few months ago.

With my last s.o. I felt a little more free to disagree, having been through a divorce and having had some experience setting boundaries, getting comfortable with making people mad at me, etc. He reiterated that I didn't have to feel like I was "on" all the time and added that he didn't need anything from me when I got home from work. With a (I admit) mean-spirited twinkle in my eye, I confirmed "so you don't need anything at all from me?" He answered "that's right."

I proceeded to get home from work, take off my shoes and coat and go about making dinner. I didn't say hi or ask how his day was. When he told me what happened that day (open ended with no questions) I didn't think up a response. When the water was running in the kitchen and he kept talking from the couch, I didn't turn off the water and walk into the living room to hear him better, I just went about doing what I would do if I lived alone and could do whatever I wanted.

Can you guess what happened?

He said I was ignoring him, I was being rude, I was making him feel stupid like he was talking to himself.

I looked at him. I said, "so what do you need from me here?" He rolled his eyes and said again that he doesn't need anything from me. I said, "yes you do. You need me to think of a response to everything you're saying, you need me to chuckle at your jokes even if I think they're not funny, you need me to stop doing what I want to do and instead pay attention to you for as long as you need me to. You need a lot more from me than you think you do. You also need me to either be in a good mood or at least pretend I am even though I just did that all day around my coworkers and on the phone with customers. I had to put on a false face all day long, and apparently I need to keep it on until I finally get to go to bed tonight."

I reminded him that I get pretty much zero alone time while he gets hours of it nearly every day. Commuting doesn't count--I'm paying attention to traffic so I don't get into an accident. Getting myself and the kids ready in the morning doesn't count--I'm stressed out and trying not to forget anything important. Being at work doesn't count even if it's a slow time--I can't be weird and I can't get lost in thought because I know the phone could ring any time or someone could come to my desk without warning, and sometimes it's hard to put the mask back on once you finally get to take it off.

[itmeblog]

Theories about politics!

Okay the trade war is "over" (officially delayed by a month but also I don't think he's going to go back to it with any sort of sincerity) because Trump made "deals" with Mexico and Canada BUT it's imperative that we understand that Trump is first and foremost a terrible business man.

So what sort of deals has he struck (please bear with me this is going to explain, I think, what the fuck is going on with the Republican party)? It is very important that we understand that he went to Mexico first struck a deal, then Canada and Mexico talked and then he struck a deal with Canada. And I say this because Mexico's president is a woman and I am 99.999% sure she did the thing every minority/oppressed class learns when dealing with an idiot in a position of power.

"Haha, yes of course of course I'll just [insert something you had very well planned on doing anyway but sure let it be their idea] and you can [see how much you can possibly get away with because, hell you might as well get paid for the labor you were going to do anyway]."

And this is a (as I'm familiar with) tactic used mostly by those in positions that automatically have less power. It's an ego stroke essentially with a bit of a gamble. If the ego's big enough you sorta win either way (at the cost of some dignity but truly, who has time for that when you can win big?). End result: she gets to do what she was going to do anyway and gets a treat for an hour of lip service (send troops to the border, with a bonus of American troops trying to crack down on weapons sales from our border to hers, thus lowering the danger for her own people.) And in the end all she has to do is put up with some shitty headlines about ho"Trump won" or "A deal has been yadda yadda"

Canada's president on the other hand is not used to striking deals in this manner. He's white, male, wealthy(?), conventionally attractive. He doesn't go for the kill. I suspect because he didn't think it could possibly be that easy. He DOES however test the waters and simply reiterate terms he agreed to with the Biden admin and pretend like Trump succeeded. Boom! Trade war averted!

Current problem with the Republican party capitulating like they are. A lot of it's members are wealthy, white, and male in a world that caters to their every desire and need, yes? (They'll never listen to Dems so Dems can act out as much as they want their political pov is a nonstarter) Many of them don't respect their wives or minorities so they are learning in real time how to phrase things and how to dance around and suggest and ego fluff. A lot of them are still trying to *reason* with him but he fundamentally fails to respect an objective reality, his version is inextricably linked with his emotions so using facts and numbers is a waste of time.

And they got the toadying down pat but they haven't gotten the phrasing right. They don't know how to say "no" in 6 bajillion words in such a way that it makes it sound like it's a far off unavoidable force of nature that simply cannot be stopped and they don't know how to make it sound like it's Trump's idea (Vance is the closest BUT I think he went too hard too fast so Trump 1. Doesn't respect him and 2. Doesn't actually understand what he's saying. Vance is an excellent sounding con man but his efficacy rests very heavily on you having the attention span to catch what he's saying. The manipulation only works if you can string together a half coherent argument and Trump cannot). So they fail or they don't even get to part B they're so enamored and preoccupied with the flattery they forgot the follow up. So in capitulating they are simply "giving up" instead of "prepping the follow up" and furthering their fucked up l'il agenda. In part because their ego gets in the way, they want credit, they want their name on this shit it was THEIR IDEA!! But that's not how it works. (Your ego's gotta die a little and you're essentially gonna have to mask.) And in part because a good dose of them have no fucking idea how the gov actually works, their functioning on the parameters of an entirely different reality.

And this is to say nothing of Trump's mercurial nature and utter lack of loyalty. Like starting out Babys-first-true-unpowered (cause being white and male and rich means you usually don't have to use much tact in other manipulations)-manipulation on THAT??

Haha insanity.

And of course some of them just genuinely believe in Project 2025 (at least until their constituents feel the effects the hardest)

[vanilla-bean-buttercream]

hi um so how about if you're not a parent you don't judge parents for what they do because y i k e s that's not a good look honey

I was gonna let this go, but I have thirty minutes before I have to go to work and I’m bored, so I figured why the heck not.

Hello! My name is Cat. I’m 28 years old (almost 29) years old, and have no children, you are correct.

I had parents who don’t believe my sister had depression. I have parents who think my social anxiety disorder will be “cured” if I talk to people more. I have parents who won’t let us medicate because they don’t think medicine will help, but let’s push that all aside for a moment and talk a little more about me.

I decided at the age of 16 that I wanted to become a teacher, specifically an early childhood teacher, because I found out guidance councilors have to be organized and I can’t organize a sock drawer.

I graduated high school at the age of 17 and got into a 2-year associate’s degree program for Early Childhood Education. Obviously, I don’t know everything because I was only educated for two years, but I have continued my education privately in the comfort of my own home on certified medical websites.

At the age of 18, I was hired as a substitute for my current position as an early childhood educator. I didn’t even apply. My boss saw me interacting with the kids while I was waiting for my ride to drive me to college, and she asked if I wanted to work there. Let me reiterate in case you didn’t read. My boss asked me, not interviewed me. My boss, who had been working in the profession for 19 years at the time, wanted me to work at her school.

And I was still in college learning to be better at the time, so imagine how good I looked even without a full education.

I worked as a substitute for a year and a half until I was offered a full-time position working in the cafeteria. I researched allergies, read more labels on the back of the box to make sure my allergy and diabetic kids’ needs were met than a weight watcher, and measured everything to make sure every child was getting a good meal.

I graduated from college at the age of 19, just a month shy of my 20th birthday with a GPA of 3.7. Maybe it’s not the highest, but I’d say that’s still a pretty good score in the American education system.

After a year or so of working in the cafeteria, and still substituting in the classrooms in my free time, I was offered a full-time position as a teacher’s aid. Since then, I have been working as a teacher for the past 10 years. in fact, I just celebrated my 10 year teaching anniversary this March, or at least I would’ve had COVID not closed down my school literally the day before I celebrated it. 

But this is just my background. It still doesn’t prove how well I behave with the kids, so let me throw a few of my favorite moments at you.

I’ve had a child tell me they don’t see me as an adult because “I don’t yell at him.”

I’ve had a child who wouldn’t go to any other teachers with their problem come to me because they knew I wouldn’t get upset at them for spilling their milk.

I’ve had a child who wouldn’t leave the school unless I offered to walk out with them.

I’ve had a child stop me in the store and try to ditch their parents to shop with me instead.

I’ve had a child who would request I be with them while they were throwing a fit because of how I handled the aftermath.

I have gotten children to sleep at nap time when no other teacher could because I listen to what they would like me to do, whether it be rubbing their back, just lying beside them and holding their hand, or simply letting them fall asleep on their own.

I’ve had a child cry that they didn’t want to go to school until they found out they would be coming back to my classroom.

I’ve had kids ask me when they were coming to my class because they wanted me as a teacher.

So, yes, maybe I’m not a parent. Maybe I don’t know what it’s like to birth a child and have to care for them 24/7. I don’t have that experience. However, you know what I do have experience with?

I’ve had a parent tell me not to let their son play with dolls and dress up in dresses because he didn’t want his son to be gay.

I’ve had a parent threaten to take us to court for suggesting his child has anger issues and would hurt other children when I’ve had children come to my classroom and fear this student because this kid would throw chairs if you told him “no.”

I’ve had a child who was clearly autistic have a mother pull her child from our school claiming there was nothing wrong with him, then find out later that he got kicked out of public school because he was melting down in the classroom.

I’ve had a parent tell us that we were making their child fat by feeding them too much and demanded they send their five-year-old girl with only celery sticks, a bottle of water, and half a sandwich.

I’ve had a parent demean their child for holding the door open for me because they were making him late.

I’ve had a parent tell us that they didn’t want their child in my classroom because we require all kids to wear masks and that was against their child’s freedom of expression.

So, yikes to you, anon friend, for coming into my inbox and shaming me when I’m standing up for my kids. Yikes to you for saying I have no idea how to understand children because I don’t have any of my own. Yikes to you for being the very parent I was speaking up about.

Have a good day, Karen.

-Cat

[brooke-the-poet]

The Fantasy Adventure Trope and Autistics.

Currently I am fascinated with narrative framing. The structure of a story and how that gives us the meanings that we draw from it.  

What I have noticed is that neurodivergent consciousness isn't taken into consideration very often. In fact many narratives, especially in children's literature and films have a gaslighting affect when it comes to the experiences of neurodivergent children.

Children who are different are portrayed as having an overactive imagination, big emotions or too reserved, shy, afraid, a little adult, low impulse control, not very social, bullied at school and are ignored by adults.

This jumble of traits pretty much fits most neurodivergents. But just enough so that they are endearing and don't seem "too weird".

Unfortunately many children are thought of in the same vein as the biblical prodigal son. Disabilities and difficulties are seen as trials to be fixed, or to fix "us" as if we need some form of chastising.

That our ways are wrong and we choose to bring difficulty on ourselves by not ignoring the things everyone else ignores and doing what everyone else does.

 People expect neurodivergent children to be doormats and when they are shoved into that role they naturally become distressed and hide or rebel.

Such children then go on a magic adventure, where they learn about who they are as a person and then return home better off than when they left, able to cope and function better in their world.

That's a very general idea of the plots of most magic adventures. And there's nothing wrong with that, if indeed that is what is occurring.

But too often it is not.  Most of these narratives portray the child as in need of a rude awakening, again with the prodigal image, spoiled, lack of discipline, bad attitude, needing to burn off energy, needing confidence, needing change over all.

And how this occurs is through what is known as exposure therapy.  A theorized technique where non-biological anxiety is reduced through exposure to the source of the anxiety.

This does not work on neurodivergents nor many with trauma related conditions. It only serves to burn out energy and destroy our nervous systems and peace of mind if we had any to begin with.

The adventure supposedly  leads the child to become used to physical stress, work and decision making. It assumes that the child has had no trauma or stress before this. That their difficulties came from being uncooperative with adults.  What it comes down to is that it is the child that needs to change, not their world.

And what that means for the neurodivergent child whose experience of the world can not change through a change in attitude, is that they are made to feel flawed, that unlike the "good" children in those stories, they are bad.

Which leads them to hiding their difficulties and masking. And if they are autistic, the feeling of being nonhuman increases significantly.  

*On a side note: Fantasy gives neurodivergent traits to majority non-human characters. I really do enjoy fantasy but the characters I related to most were the non-humans or the villain, and both.

There are a lot of non-human characters that should just have been human. When only "make believe" species have your sensitivity and traits, it makes it very hard for people to take you seriously. That's a whole other article though.*

Back to narrative:

Two examples come to mind. The German novel "The Neverending Story"  by Michael Ende and and the Japanese film "Spirited Away" by Hayao Miyazaki.

These were big impact stories, I'm only going to cover 3 items from each.

Someone with more energy can dig in deeper.  Also if the plots sound really similar to you, children going off into fantasy worlds and receiving help from dragons, it is because Michael Ende loved Japan and was inspired by Japanese folklore.

His second wife is Japanese and his stories became huge in Japan where he toured and gave lectures and was honoured with his own museum shortly before he passed away.

First, The Never Ending Story.

Yes, the story with Bastian, Atreyu, the child-like empress and my personal favourite, Falcor the luck dragon. Who doesn't love the ending of the film version where he scares the shit out of those bullies as he chases them  into the dumpster?

There are a lot of very good things in this story,  Bastian fits completely the profile of the neurodivergent child,but for those who have read the book there are some glaring details, and Yes, I know all the other interpretations and cultural symbolism going on.

But I'm looking at these from an autistic perspective, being as personal and  literal as possible. Because that is how I viewed them and many others will, as a kid and teenager.

1. Despite Bastian's trauma from school and his mom's death it is up to him to fix his emotionally shut down father.

There's a new term for this, emotional incest. Google that.  Emotionally Bastian has a lot going on,he and his father should really be seeing a therapist.

This topic can be controversial as it crosses into many cultural expectations of what a family is and the required roles within a family.  There are various levels of toxicity that can occur in parent child relationships that result in anger later on in the child. But a parent relying on a child for emotional support is seen as the most benign.

One could say that is traditionally what children are for.  From the outside pushing back at this role looks like "modern selfishness" but the inside reality is that the stress placed on a child who needs support and understanding themselves is damaging. When suppressing growth for a parent, the child does not learn to become an emotionally healthy adult.

For many neurodivergents this can look like carer abuse, infantalisation, a parent guilt tripping for all the work they do for the child. Expecting full loyalty to a parent with punishments imposed for perceived infractions.

Demanding all of a child's time. Not allowing friends, becoming jealous of online friends, hobbies, and anything that takes their attention away from the parent.

Given that as adults many disabled neurodivergents rely on their parents for support, these relationships remain complex and complicated.

2. Spending too much time in your inner world makes you less human.

For those not familiar with the second half of this book, for every wish and fantasy  Bastian lives out he loses his memory and humanity. WTH?

As someone who has memory and dissociation issues this really freaked me out and made me question whether or not my dissociation, frequent need to retreat and loss of self at times was due to me being a bad, selfish person like the townspeople in the book.

Autistics and other neurodivergents have rich inner worlds that are just as real as what is going on outside them.

They are a part of this world as nature, and it is there that we often find and preserve our sense of self instead of getting lost in a sea of others.

Without them we would lose ourselves. Our humanity should never be equated with how much we outwardly participate.

3.  Bastian wasn't capable of being loved before his journey.

When Bastian loses his humanity he nearly kills Atreyu but is stopped. He repents by working hard in a mountain, as a miner where he loses the last of himself, including his name in order to learn selfless love.

Hard stare. Really? Neurodivergents tend to be born selfless it seems, and we have really hard times creating boundaries for ourselves in how much we will give others and are much too open to manipulation because of it.

In my mind Bastian is already doing far too much emotional labour for a child to sustain and shouldn't be required to have to work on top of that  for love to be given him.

More messages towards us about being selfless only harms us and makes us feel guilty for not draining ourselves dry for others.

Reiterating again, that Esoterica and symbolism, metaphors etc...are my special interest, I know what the esoteric symbolism of all this is but most children will not and Will take this aspect literally.

Overall none of his physical issues such as Body positivity, the school and bully situation nor any other issues were addressed. His real fear was part of his "overactive imagination" that he had to overcome.

This gaslights many neurological disabilities and experiences with the world, where synesthesia, sensory processing differences and executive Dysfunction are labelled imaginary and trauma around them is exasperated.

Spirited Away

This is the film that inspired this. Because I loved this. Miyazaki truly knows how to capture the soul of nature.

Some back story about anime you truly need to know before we move on.

If you're autistic, and fan of Anno Hideki creator of Evangelion, also a fellow autistic, who also worked with studio Ghibli, then you probably know what he means when he stated that anime and manga are an inherently autistic medium.  

Paraphrasing Anno: 

Your goal is to reach out and connect with others deeply and emotionally.  

The main way this is achieved is having the emotional interior of people reversed, showing every emotion externally.

In anime all the huge feelings, trauma and anxiety that usually go on inside someone are shown on the outside. This makes it really relatable and easy to connect emotionally to the characters.

Big secret though, non-neurodivergents assume a lot of the emotions are exaggerated and the trials and stages the characters go through are metaphors.

If you are neurodivergent, you know they are not. Many things are literally what is happening to us on the inside, how certain things feel.

I'll give examples when I talk about Spirited Away, but if you are further curious, Google Newtypes from the Mobile Suit Gundam saga and Evangelion.

This unique feature and style, of emotions began in the Tokugawa Era as a form of non-violent rebellion against the imposed socially rigid caste system and militarism of the era that saw creativity as superfluous.

Anything different, mysterious, unknown, imaginative and emotional did not meet the new "social norms" of the shogunate era and were rejected.  

Artists and writers, the creative castes, started making woodblock prints of fantasy scenes and stories in a style now known as manga.

They kept Non-linear, neurodivergent thought and ways of being alive during that violent time period when many creators were imprisoned.  

     Ok, with that on to Spirited Away.  I'm going to focus on Autistic masking. Masking plays a huge role in this story.

Briefly, the plot is: 10 year old Chihiro, on the way to her new home is spirited away with her parents. Going against her instincts she follows them into what turns out to be the holiday and pleasure district of the gods.

Her parents eat the god's food, turn into pigs and Chihiro must then sell herself to the onsen ( bath house) in order to work off the debts of her parents and save them.  

The main characters that I personally relate with in this piece are Haku, the dragon boy/river god,  the Faceless Spirit/Noh Face and the witch Zeneba.

So again, 3 things.

1. Masking, Chihiro is The Mask.

Chihiro, the cool, collected,lovely mixture of innocence and maturity is the mask that many autistic women grew up wearing in order to handle trauma. Be strong, brave and stoic for the sake of others. This is one set of strong messages that the film puts out.     

In the bridge scene where Haku and Chihiro, under an invisibility spell, cross the bridge to the bathhouse; in order to cross without being seen Chihiro must hold her breath.

That is what Autistic masking literally feels like, the fear of being seen, caught and punished for who we are and the sharp pain of inhaled breath held, for too long, and slow suffocation.

             Chihiro's journey  will feel familiar to many young autistics who are learning about themselves and the people around them and how they fit into the social structures here. Chihiro is a foreigner and awkwardly trying to stay out of trouble.

There isn't a structure that fits her.  She's scolded and hindered for simply existing in that space not meant for her. But she has a task to complete, so she has to figure out a way to make things work.

Being survival, task and mission oriented is a strong point of being Autistic. It's part of our ability to be perseverant.

It can be so strong that your mind creates different ways of being to hide and protect the most sensitive parts of itself, to protect the parts that are different.

Chihiro's final line in the film is:

"Don't worry, I think I can handle it."

She's resolute in her maintaining a stoic mask, which is implied as part of growing up.  This message is toxic to Autistics

For a lot of us Autistics this line recalls childhood trauma and masking. The exact phrase we would say to "make things work" for ourselves. Suppressing our needs in order to appear mature and keep our parents and those around us comfortable.

If the bathhouse is supposed to represent life and the social- economic reality, then it's the same reality so many face, forced to change and pretend they fit into society.  This message about masking feels at odds with the "re-discovering your true self" message that we get with Haku.

   The river dragon spirit, Haku literally represents what masking your true self can look like. Under Yubaba he loses sense of his true nature, physically grows pale and steely eyed. He isn't conscious of the spell Yubaba has placed in him. Masking isn't conscious to a lot of Autistics either.

     As an apprentice Haku carries out orders no matter what the danger is to himself. Putting ourselves in harm's way and being abused without us knowing is an outcome of masking. When masking we are in the position of copying others feeling very much like "apprentice non-autistics".

We want to please in order to survive and feel adequate with others. In the scene when Haku is bleeding to death and Yubaba kicks him into the incinerator to be disposed of, that unfortunately is a real emotional outcome to many abusive relationships built through masking. Relationships fail once we burn out.

In order to show his true nature, Haku actively fights inside himself when helping Chihiro. He plays double agent throughout the film. And then has to be saved from himself by Chihiro.

Do I need to be saved from myself?

Do I seem as cold and distant as Haku?

Am I and my masking setting a bad example, a burden to seemingly purer people like Chihiro who haven't quite learned to mask yet?

These questions flitter and linger for a long time. There's a pang of sadness in them.

    It's an extremely complicated issue which is further complicated when navigating personal  boundaries and what is felt to be personally owed to others, it changes with each situation.  

During the train scene when Chihiro is given time to process her predicament you can literally see her mentally forming her mask, the mask that's prepared to take responsibility for others mistakes.

It's the same mask we create to carry the burden of being social and appropriate when no one else is, the mask that self blames and takes up energy.  Chihiro takes responsibility for everything.

There is again that message of sacrificing your well being for others that is pushed. She is the only one actively trying to save both her parents and Haku.

    Being a heroine doesn't have to be about saving others, or being responsible for them, especially when they are capable of finding their own solutions. There are so many different ways to show love and support.  

It isn't about being selfish and just taking care of yourself, for many Autistics and those with multiple disabilities, caring for others in this manner isn't an option but feeling guilty for not doing this is a constant to many.    

   Who this message is being directed to, needs to change. It should not be directed at vulnerable girls or any children who will worry and have anxiety about themselves.

The reality of many situations where change is needed from someone in authority, parent or any other institution is that it fails to occur. Children or other exploited parties are made responsible for that failure.  

If an Autistic fails to fit in, it's never societies fault, the burden of change and guilt is always put on the autistic. And in order to shoulder it, masking occurs.  How long is she going to be able to keep up that tough girl facade?

      2. Home   

     In the opening of the film Chihiro is  upset at what would honestly be devastating for someone who relies on "their world" to make sense of who they are.  Moving, no home to return to. This concept literally is played out with Haku and Noh Face.

Haku's river is destroyed, because of this he loses his identity and falls prey to those who would enslave him.  An identity that changes with physical environment is common. Some autistics, like myself, unconsciously build an identity or mask that fits specifically to our environment.

     Environment becomes routine along with all of the sensory stimulus and sensitivity, our bodies physically bond to what is comfortable to us.  And when that changes, so does a whole persona or personality mask.

When it is an unexpected and forced change, it is traumatizing. In my own experience, I've moved 10 times in a single year at the age of 14. Only 4 years older than Chihiro.

That caused a shutdown that I'm still experiencing the effects of 20 years later. Losing those connections is never a matter of letting go and moving on. They are grieved and must be processed at length.  

    On the way out of the forest Chihiro's father notices how quiet she is, both parents finally are paying attention to the emotional reality of their child. If they had listened and paid attention to her intuition, warnings and signs of trauma, in the beginning, their predicament would not have occurred. They might not have even moved in the first place.

"A new home and school, it is a bit scary," her father says. To which Chihiro replies that she can now handle it.

Chihiro, suppressing her original concern and the trauma of her experience, now gaslights herself, after she's gone through the process of learning how to perform emotional and mental labour for others through masking as an act of love.

An act of love, that's how mainstream society positions suppressing the needs of the disabled. You're told if you love your parents, your family, don't cause problems, don't cause trouble.

Oh, your having trouble at school, at work, at home? Disabilities are framed as trouble in this manner, the same way one speaks of a misdemeanor or crime. It subtlety shifts feelings of fault and blame onto the disabled.  When it comes to Autistics the way we understand our self and our experience of the environment is often blamed as the cause of troubles.

For us the Non-autistic world is assaulting both physically and emotionally. It's a mess of social and psychological mind games and head traps that make us chronically ill.  We have to create our own environments to dwell and recover in each night.

For a large proportion of us, we experience time and space Non-linearly. Which means events are not chronological, they don't neatly line up in our minds.

Our experience of the world is like the concepts of Ukiyo and Yugen. Transience, ethereal and profound depth of feeling. Events, people, places float in and out with moments of deep joy and sadness to help us make sense of time.

Miyazaki makes full use of this narrative tradition in his storytelling with vast spaces and characters who on the surface are only loosely associated with each other yet deeply connected.

In our world connection is not linear, nor emotions. Associative thinking leads us to make broad connections in ways that branch out and lead us to discoveries that seem impossible or were unknown to many because the right associations couldn't be made in their linear minds.

Non-linear emotions mean that we don't process events as they happen. It's too much to take in, emotions float in us, incubating until they are ready to be understood. The moment this happens is usually triggered by seemingly unconnected events but to which our minds have made connections to, enough to bring us to full circle. Different mental processing times mean reactions and effects come later, long after expected.

3. Noh face.  Portraying other as grotesque.

The best for last.

Noh face as in the Noh theatre, because the mask they wear, delights and troubles in it's accurate yet disturbing qualities. The spirit does not speak except to make pleading utterances. The faceless spirit  is sad, mysterious, interesting,terrifying and revolting all at once.

When it is invited into the bathhouse it begins to eat several of the workers and gains the ability to speak and their personality traits.

It is one of the most grotesque and extreme moments in the film. It can make you squirm. But it's also the most literal example of what it can be like to mask.

There is a certain type of masking that occurs for autistics who also experience dissociation, derealisation and depersonalisation.

It's the least understood and most vital to  understand; this is how the brain involuntarily forces command or auto-pilot, for survival in situations it deems life threatening.

 When around other people these autistics physically feel themselves absorb the energy, the personalities, emotions and desires of other people, so much so that it overwhelms their mind/ soul, their identity and sense of who they are.

They can lose track of where they are and what they say and do ; literally becoming "drunk" on other people, acting erratically or hyper with a loss of inhibition.  

They may do and say things they wouldn't have before and never would alone, when caught in the energy of the crowd or moment. And often they can't quite remember what occurred until afterwards. It's an uncomfortable and frightening experience to not be in control, to feel like a slave to others wills .

 With this type of masking the autistic may be aware of it or might not be, but they are not in control of when it happens or with who. It occurs on a daily basis this absorption of personas and others traits. It's chaotic inside, an ever changing kaleidoscope of thoughts and feelings that are almost never your own.

Physically, after socialising, especially if it's from a party, when this type of  autistic is alone, people hangover sets in.

People hangovers, even though I don't drink that's the best definition I have of it, you feel ill enough that you vomit; as you would expect with all of this swirling chaos.

The only way to end it is to sleep it off as you psychologically purge all the fragments of others out. This is another  physical sensation as you feel yourself emptying and regaining control. This process can feel like being scrubbed raw, internally.

This masking isn't done out of "loneliness" as is the reason given by the Noh Face. But having no one to understand and going through this alone, does build up and can increase the feelings of desperation to have a stable self.

In the scene when Chihiro gives the Noh face the expectorant, and they vomit just as Haku did, as all the people they consumed left, they returned to their original small form, no longer able to speak.

Chihiro, in that scene is the only one with boundaries, she masks her fear and listens, using her knowledge to give the Noh Face what they really need. She presents a kind, calm and stable force that counters chaos.

It's no wonder the Noh Face wants to absorb her. She's the ultimate mask that it can then have to feel whole and interact with others finally.

But it still would not be their own.

On a side note, it is for this very reason that Noh Face is finally paired with the witch Zaneba, whose line "hmmm, what else can we mess with?" is my favourite. Zaneba sees the structure of the bathhouse and wants to disrupt it.

Due to the chaos occurring inside these type of autistics, instead of trying to order life in a structured or "tidy" way, they impose chaos externally. As long as it is their chaos, this ordered chaos approach is effective in coping with life.

Roles, duties and tasks bring about more structure than superficial order as in the bathhouse. If there's a specific function and purpose that is clear, it makes it easier to not mask, which is why the noh face is able to remain calm.

At the end of the day Zaneba and Noh Face retreat to their quiet home, where function and roles are simple. Personally that's where I'd like to stay, if I were Chihiro I wouldn't have returned.

That's a final point, the "fantasy" world is always made out to be lesser than our shared reality. But is it really? Our inner worlds are what make it possible to survive in the outer world. It's where we process and draw strength to combat the hostility we encounter daily.

They aren't something you abandon in childhood, but a necessary life skill that develops further with age. The fantasy retreat is vital for rest and reclamation of self from society. Not something to be left behind.

So there you have it. My rough autistic sense on what messages an autistic/neurodivergent might take away from popular story narratives and elements in children's fiction and film.