#a lots been going on in a different online sphere of mine and it's got me thinking about this topic specifically

[queer-reader-07]

i think that the desire for perfection when it comes to activism, organizing, and the like is truly the biggest detriment to progress in the present day. so many people labor under this fantasy that some perfect leader or solution or way of doing things will happen, and in the end we just end up going nowhere.

[query-quadrant]

AVICE NEEDED !!!!11!!!!!!11!!

HELP!!! HOW2 ??? ASK SOMEONE OUT PITCH ??//?? NEED GOOD ROMANTIC GESTURE SO THEY KNOW I AM SERIOUS ABOUT THEM

BEST MOST ROMANTIC WAY YO ASK SOMEONE OUT AS KISMESES: ??!??/

ok im gonna start this off with a warning dont start shit off with a bang if you cant keep up that momentum

not to be all sparkly spade emoji vitriol emoji sparkly spade emoji on you but the most over the top romantic way ive ever been asked out is when grey sent me that insane hate letter virus thing and that idiot could NOT keep it going really set himself up for failure there

if you start shit off with a grand romantic gesture you gotta be prepared to keep that energy going 

but anyway here

dubiously good ideas: 

1. once asked a dude out by pouring bleach out in his lawn ring in the shape of a spade so it killed all the grass it was really funny and was stuck like that till it grew back lmao dude got a lot of questions about it

2. one of my best friends got a bunch of calligraphy supplies and ye old ink and a quill and wrote a very fancy looking list of all the things wrong with the girl she sent it to like it looked fancy but the actual letter wasnt it was mostly swear words and shit like “thats why youre so fucking stupid youre a freak youre a freak and your clothes are ugly" and sealed it in a fancy envelope with a wax seal and everything and like a kiss mark on the envelope with her best lipstick it was really funny

3. ok this ones gonna be long and really fucking abnormal but lets be serious here if you actually need something big and grand and unique and dont wanna ask them out normal style and also im not just yapping at you and regurgitating shit i already did or a friend of mine did or that you can find in a list online already like "buy them dead flowers teehee and make them a ransom note winky face kissy emoji five exclamation points" then i mean obviously doing something personal is best i mean grey and i have the internet feud thing going on so tech based shit is it but for you your rivalry is probably based on something else doing something rooted in thats sappy and stupid and sparkly spade gif for real

what i mean is pick something you both already compete in and do it way better than they can or make it a custom challenge for them and mix your confession into it like the stupid virus i got

if you both do baking do something really difficult and annoying or time consuming that you know they cant in the shape of a middle finger 

mod a game or just boot up marioh maker and make them a stupidly hard but also well built custom troll level and hide the confession at the end 

write a custom flarp thing and when you beat their ass have your big evil character monologue be the confession 

a whole custom pitch themed escape room could be really funny if youre rich or have the right friends 

or who knows whatever it really depends on what youre into some of these are insane and embarrassing as fuck but if it works for you it works

oh man this shit got away from me lmao but basically do something specific to your rivalry that says im challenging you im better than you and i want you idk why i didnt just say that youre not dumb you dont need examples anyway

finally heres bad advice youre here for that shit probably lets go bad advice: 

1. ok i have a new idea thats going to totally revolutionize the pitch dating sphere what if instead of asking people out pitchways you try and have the worst possible confession in a different quadrant possible just really shitty awkward insulting badly timed the works 

see if you can piss them off enough with it that they just have to have you as their kismesis its called reverse psychology its very smart and sophisticated and could never go wrong

2. you can always kill their lusus killing their lusus is totally not famous for almost always backfiring and only working in insane romance novels and really shitty movies dont worry about it

3. steal a confession from a fanfic make sure its from a fandom theyre into so you can recommend them that same fanfic later

3. ask them for advice on how to ask people out pitchways and do exactly that 

wait ok actually that one could be good thats hilarious never mind put that on the good list i mean its not romantic but it could be so funny if you did it right

[ierotits]

if u don't mind answering (just ignore if you feel weird about talking about where you live and stuff online) but I noticed you talking on that walkable cities post about living in a village that's well served by the train network and I've noticed you mentioning things off hand in the tags of a few other posts talking about American approaches to stuff vs everywhere else and it's got me interested as someone who's always lived in Europe but has quite a lot of family in Aotearoa, if I understand right you're living in rural France rn? Are you originally from South Island?

I'm always interested when I travel to see how American influences are slightly different in different places and never quite how you imagine before you go. Does Europe seem pretty americanised to you? I know the first time I travelled to Auckland I was really surprised by the approach to cars ect reminding me way more of past trips to America than my childhood in various semi rural places in Europe. Mainly that cars are a lot bigger and trucks and offroaders are more of a thing than i was used to at home and even tho a lot of cars were Japanese, the design seemed really American to me.

Anyway I guess I'm interested in differences in general rather than just city planning/transport. I guess I've just found it interested seeing that cultural leak from America in different ways than I'm used to?? The impact of American culture on Europe was really clear growing up so I think before I got old enough to travel I'd just expected it to be the same everywhere but it really isn't!! It has always felt to me that Australia has a lot more of that American influence in like business spheres?? Politically it certainly seems more American than other countries nearby. Whereas as a whole a lot of European countries seem influenced in different ways (which makes sense considering close distance between countries and the eu and all) But yeah fascinated to hear if you have any opinions on the like having (I'm guessing here?? possibly travelled to Europe as an adult after growing up in Aotearoa???? which is kinda the opposite of my experience)

okay finally going to try answer this bear with. its a good ask!!! putting this below the cut because it could get long

for context on my response, gotta do an overview of my living situation! i am currently living in a medium sort of sized city in france, around 150k population? but i work in a tiny village a 20 minute drive out of town, which is serviced by the train system. from what i can tell, most little villages like that have a small train station that a TER goes through quite regularly, so when there isnt strikes its easy to get to and from the closest city, which is then connected to everywhere else

in aotearoa i live in a city about double the size of the one im in now (wont say which one but im sure it isnt too hard to work out) grew up in a small town, but lived in the city for my later childhood, teen years, and uni so most of my life experiences were there, only came to france last year

in terms of transport, aotearoa is definitely more americanised than europe, as far as i can tell as someone who has not been to america, just spoken a lot on this topic with american friends.

in france, everything is so easily accessable by train. every town and city has a train station, the rail speed means nothing is more than about 5 hours away (my experience anyway). the trains run enough times a day that theres always something (except for the strikes atm but thats a different circumstance.) in bigger cities, there is always a fast, regular, seemingly reliable tram or metro system that gets you anywhere, while smaller cities like mine have a bus system that works, but i never use because nothing is any more than half an hours walk away. i have barely been in a car since getting here, because it really just isnt necessary, the whole system is designed to not rely on cars

for aotearoa, its basically impossible to travel between cities or towns without a car. there are intercity buses, but even between my city and the next closest one, which i know MANY people who make that trip regularly, the intercity bus goes once a day if youre lucky. theres very few passenger trains, and most of them are expensive tourist ones made for sightseeing. basically to get anywhere outside of your city, your options are very expensive slow not regular bus, or get someone to drive you. in my city, theres a bus system that is pretty widespread, you can get everywhere but its expensive, not reliable, and the buses dont go very often except on the very busy routes. if i walked half an hour in my city, i would cross maybe 5% of the city, it was a 40 minute walk to school in high school while it was a 5 minute drive. it got to a point when i was 20 that it was too expensive, took too much time, etc to catch the buses everywhere, that i ended up having to buy a car. the cities, from my experience, are becoming more and more car reliant as the years go on, and all the city does is add lanes to roads

in terms of everything else, i feel like france and aotearoa are both americanised in different ways? politically, france seems to have been quicker at pushing towards this governmental system where your options are far right or center pretending to be left while pushing the country right. france also has similar issues with the militarization of the police force, over investment in the military, gun violence, etc. it doesnt seem as bad as america to me, but then i potentially dont have the full story. while aotearoa has many issues with the police, and an increase in racial bias and violent responses, most of the more extreme american issues dont seem to have developped as quickly. i truly think a lot of that comes down to the labour government the last few years and the changes to gun laws post christchurch attacks. there are, of course, small groups in aotearoa that are leaning towards american ways of thinking, specifically thinking of brian tamaki and his evangelical cult that is directly copying from the american mega church, and the antivax shit that happened the last couple of years

its difficult to really tell to be honest. i feel like in aotearoa, especially with the rise of the internet and online connection to other countries, it has become a lot easier for our population to start to fall into american ways of thinking. i mean, specifically with elections i regularly have to explain to people my age that voting for the green party isnt a throw away vote here like it is in america, the way our voting system works is that you can vote for whichever party truly represents your interest. i genuinely think thats one of the things thats kept us from being pushed further right, the prevalence and strength of the green and māori parties. the revitalisation of māori language and culture has certainly helped too, that we have so many allies helping keep us in the forefront of our country and its politics, we cant just be swept under the rug and ignored. im proud of the way that we have managed to stave off the total disappearance of our culture and instead turn it around to become one of the most visible parts of the country

tldr, i really think both countries have and havent been americanised in different ways. i know less about france as ive only been here a few months, but i do think aotearoa is so far doing what we can to actively work against america's more negative elements being incorporated into out country. just wish we would do that with transport too

[jessileerusselluni]

222 3D  1/6

Mythology mood board:

I wanted to do something related the mythology, specifically dragons and Gods. I looked up different types of beasts and Gods as inspiration for the design, followed by castles made from various elements. For the prop I didn’t want to do just a simple tool or weapon so I merged the idea of a sword and a staff- 

 Character: 

Environment: 

Prop:

Concept desgns:

These were the first sketches of my character in Photoshop- 

Favourite -

Another redesign- 

Detail on what was the final design: 

Texture concept:

These were my chosen textures I put together in Photoshop to get a better visual understanding of my Dragon God  character, prop and environment. It is a little tricky to sketch a castle but I have got the basic character and prop prepared.

It was difficult trying to pick the right textures for the sword/staff prop, I changed my mind over the types of gem stones and metal type for the blade multiple times. These materials suit them and I’m happier with the amethyst design for the prop, it makes it less boring and dull- 

With added wings and tail-

Prop- 

UV Mapping:

UV mapping in 3D modelling is generally pretty difficult. With this model provided I had to try and unwrap the UVs which is what’s done to add textures smoothly. With some help I made separations in parts of the body, making the UVs a lot cleaner and easier to texture. UVs are really difficult but I slowly got the hang of it, it’s still tricky and I’m not used to 3D at all- 

While looking online at references I found some helpful tips on how to get the UVs right on the head/face of the model-

It’s tricky trying to figure out the right way to slice them, but these images helped me figure out they should at least look when cut. 

Environment:

When I was making the castle I forgot to take pictures of the process, but this is basically my first attempt at making the castle. With some help to get started I added more to the pathways, I added the towers and structure and tried not to overdo it. 

Models:

My model for the Dragon God. I used the basic model as a base because I couldn’t make a person for the life of me, but I managed to make him my own with the added details and more which I added later. 

One technique I was shown was how to add textures from images imported to Photoshop and made into a PNG for the UV texture. I was also shown a technique on how to make clothing by duplicating the model and adding and subtracting from the top layer to leave behind clothing- 

A texture I made for his hair in Photoshop-

The castle was pretty much complete by this point for the modelling phase. I got a helping hand with the layout of the ground and bridge. The building itself is fully mine and I modified parts of the ground and bridge, I just needed extra help to make sure nothing was clipping or would end up breaking- 

This was my first attempt at the prop. It’s just the basic shape first for the blade and orb at the top-

Modifications: 

I added more hair to the character and all that was left was to do the scales and texture him, though I still didn’t know how to go about texturing him. I thought I should sculpt on the scales and sculpt the dragon feet before doing any texturing. UV-ing would be the most difficult thing for all of them-

I updated the prop model. The blade is thinner and longer. The staff is thinner too. It looks close to my idea for the prop-

The castle has been smoothed and other platforms had been changed to make it more organic looking. I looked for different texturing techniques for the castle and backgrounds which I wanted to virtually draw. The background was a large sphere which encased the environment, it makes it easier to add a background. I want to make it dark with a black and red sky, bright enough to see it however. The bottom will be a type of element, I was thinking along the lines of lava or water, the lava matched the look of the environment and the look I had in mind for the background-

[aurora-daily]

AURORA’s Reddit Q&A (July 13th 2021)

Kmilalv: Hello aurora we love you, I'm @ aurora.s_love on instagram ✨✨🥰🥰🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️ Aurora: oh hellooo!!!! Exportmusic: Meep Aurora: meep < 3 Lisxnne: WELL HELLO AND THANKS FOR YOUR NEW SONG! 🙏🌟💕 Aurora: HELLO!! and thank you for being open to it 24681357900: Thank u for making music Aurora: thank you for inviting it into your heart Emergency-Club-7529: This is have some upper case , it's the real Aurora Aurora: yes!!! Helloooooo brunamombach: hello ✨🃏🧚🏻‍♂️🤘🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️ when are you coming do Brazil? so glad to see you here!!! Aurora: I think I will be coming to Brazil next year  I love being in Brazil because I feel like it awakens my heart and soul to be there !! Brunamombach: if you were going to an souless island, what book would you bring with you? 🧚🏻‍♂️🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️🤘🃏 kisses from Brazil Aurora: I would either take: "The name of the wind" and "a Wise mans fear" or the LOTR trilogy. Or the "Mistborn" trilogy. or "warbreaker" or "the good omens" or "the ocean at the end of the lane" or "Anne of Green gables" or "The alchemist" or just all the books in the world oh no I cant decide

all DanParis: Hey have some karma you cool bean 🤌🏼 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 Aurora: thank you < 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Tell us something you can tell us about the second track on the Cure For Me vinyl, “Potion For Love”. I'm very curious...

Aurora: its the song I decided for the B-side of the vinyl, and I will probably release it digitally one day too. Its the sister song to "exist for love" but from the other perspective. where love does not fill you up, but love has left a big hole within you < / 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Did you get a lot of unfollows and hate from bad people due to Cure For Me? Aurora: I got a little hate from homophobes, and also abelist, and racist comments from people claiming there was nothing wrong with their mindset. BUT it does not bother me. and I will never stop speaking up about the things I find important. because.. what else would our meaning on this earth be? if that makes sense. Some people have attacked me personally, but sadly mostly its people defending their own hateful ways of being. I cant even imagine how it really is to be a victim of racism or violent homophobia, so I feel like the least I can do is to try the best I can to show support. and speak up. and be an ally.

So a bit more short - yes, and I really dont mind!!!! unfollow me if you find speaking about equality and the right to live, and love and be loved unsettling <3 thank you for this question! Ok-Estimate8468: How was the process of creating the studio version of Cure For Me? I heard your first acoustic performance and saw that it's much smoother than the studio, so I was curious to see how you managed to create another even more amazing version. Aurora: Me and Magnus just played around, and we really tried to go with our emotions, and to be playful and to not think too much about what was "AURORA" or what was even...pretty! we just laughed! and danced! and did what felt lovely to us.

I think this is why the making of this song is one of my favourite memories, and also I think that is why it sounds so playful! because it is!! it was like playing a game. and I did also play alot around with symbolics in both the lyrics and the way this song is produced. it all has a meaning you see... but of course I will let you figure that out yourself!!

Pingouiin_: What's your favourite mountain around bergen ? Aurora: mine is Løvstakken!! and Magnus loves Ullrikken!! but important to NEVER stop a Norwegian person walking on the mountain. just say. a quick hello and wander off your own mind. become at one with nature Whoamiandallthat: Thank you for existing, I love your art and you inspire me so much 💙 You are one of my favorite artists 😊 And just the other day I found out that you are just two years older than me, and so successful... I'm wondering how it was for you to become so popular, did you feel like people thought you needed a cure? I'm also in the sphere of arts - filmmaking; but I feel like my films are not good enough... I have a YouTube channel with some videos - if you ever see this comment I would like for you to check it out 😊 Aurora: Ive felt through my life like something was a little off, ive never resonated that much with the people or the "system" around me! it didn't bother me so much even though I. was teased a lot for it ( so again I was very lucky) but I never felt like I understood the world and my place in it. or how I. could fit in, in this worlds society and with other people ! and becoming "famous" which I dont really feel that I am, but I guess that I am a little "known" (meep) was very strange, and very hard to handle at first. as impressions affect me a lot, and noises and people etc. but with time I got better at handling all these impressions, and avoid getting a.. sensory overload! and I am so happy now, that I can look directly at strangers and actually listen to them, and understand them, and even love them I guess what I am trying to say, that ive now understood that this is the very thing that connected me to all of you. and now I see my place here on this earth. and I see all of you, and you give my life so much meaning!! Lets_Fight_Dragons: Firstly I wanted to say I recently discovered your music and I love everything about it. I have two questions, I hope that’s ok 1. How do you start writing songs because I’m trying to get into songwriting and I’m not sure how you write such amazing songs 2. What’s your favourite song you’ve released? Aurora: 1. well I dont really know. ( I am sorry!!) but I feel like it started really natural for me.. I. kind of just sat down with my piano.. and then I started playing around with the Keyes, and I figured out I could make an endless amount of melodies by simply pressing the keys in a different order!! remember finding this extremely magical (I was around 6 years old then) and after a while I started adding lyrics, and I just spent time looking into myself, trying to figure out. - what do I want to say? what do. I need to hear in a song? what do the world need to hear in a song? and etc. I always think about songwriting as storytelling. and I always start out by figuring out what story I want to tell, what matter I want to dress, or what pleases me, or annoys me with the world, or what emotion I need help dealing with!! and then I write a song!!! and if you feel like its difficult to come up with melodies, I would recommend finding a song you like, and learn the chords of it (or find an instrumental version. online) and then you make your own melodies on top of that! many of the songs of the world share the same chords, and often the melodies on top is the thing separating them. music belongs to all of us, and its clear that every song in the world comes from the same magical source. 2. I think its the seed. or couples creatures!! or infections of a different kind!! tiffnoir: Our dear AURORA, your b-side A Potion For Love is helping me a lot (broken heart since a few days ago). I wanted to ask (if I can haha) if would it be included at the upcoming album, or maybe a relaxing, vintage video for it? Thanks for helping all of us with your music ^_^ Aurora: thank you som much for letting this song into your heart  after writing exist for love, I figured that I should also make a sister-song that could belong for the ones with a broken heart as well  it will not be on the album, but for you I will try to put it on the deluxe version FedahpWithThisWurld: Hello, Aurora! I'm a neurodivergent person and I have always felt a lot of shame over being the way I am, like I'm not good enough. Your music makes me feel better and it makes me feel that being me is okay. Thank you for that.  I want to know how you manage to be so confident? Do you ever get nervous before a show? Aurora: hello!!!! I have had a lot of similar experiences with myself in this world too.. so I am very sad to hear you've lived your life with this feeling I think after a while I understood what makes me different also makes me special. and special is good. and if you think about it, special isn't even that different, because in one way or another we are all... unique. but of course, some people have had to fight their. way through life more than others.. making it less easy to learn how to love yourself. and accept yourself. I guess, now I've surrounded myself with good people who understand my quirks and sensitivities, people who give me time. and space to be me. I have also been lucky, because I have a family that have always encouraged me to be myself. and to love myself. and I guess that is why I am trying to convey to all of you now, because now we are like al little family. where being who you are - is cool. and you're cool. and were all cool. and I get nervous all the time, of all sorts of things! but I just accept that feeling as a part of being human. its uncomfortable yes, but I know at least it won't kill me! 3charmplease: What was it like recording for Frozen? Aurora: it was magical  and also slightly scary. but it felt safe and good calling at the mountains. and I feel warm thinking about it. especially now. cause my father just walked over to me with five little strawberries in his hand. he gave them all to me. and they were so small, and sweet. im currently sitting in my childhood home, right next to the very piano where I wrote "runaway" and so many other songs. Tiny-Sink-2397: Boom shake shake shake the room Aurora: that was actually during the recording process of Cure For Me! Tiny-Sink-2397: I thought it was!! Seemed like an epic party Aurora: YES Joelynxyzs: what's your favorite movie ? Aurora: Practical magic BUT ALSO THESE: The LOTR triology ALL GHIBLI MOVIES avatar once upon a time in Hollywood Hannah the perfume fantastic MR. fox Star Wars: a new hope rouge one isle of dogs the hunchback of Notre dame! the arrival stypop: If you were to get the chance to work on a sequel to another Disney movie, which one would you want it to be? Aurora: since Disney owns Lucas films I would love to be a part of the Star Wars universe  or to play either a magical fairy, witch mermaid, forest nymph, or a scary beast!! WE WO brisot: The masks in CFM remind me of theater plays, do you ever watch any and how much of an influence for you is the art of acting? Aurora: this era of my life is very influenced by the ancient times where theatre was all they had. no CGI or special effects etc. and I really wanted all these videos to feel very authentic, and down to earth! The shell in "exist for love" was handmade by someone, and I painted all the masks in "cure for me" myself! so I like it when it feels... human Clear-Champion-1833: i love you Aurora:

<3

Jicuhrabbitkim: How do you like your fried eggs cook!! I like it when its very crispy!! Aurora: as long as its from a local farm that has free healthy chickens that walk about freely and eat good food I like my eggs crispy too. GhostReaper3: Hi I have a question as well: How do you keep positive? Many people including myself find this difficult sometimes so it would be good to hear your technique or way of keeping upbeat and positive! Also, thank you for sharing your music with us! Aurora: I know what you mean, i've struggled with it myself at times. but I guess I tried separating in my mind what I can do something about, and what I cant? if that makes sense?? we are all just here on this planet. and though we all seem to be going though the same things we still feel so alone, in our thoughts and in our minds. And I've been very aware that with music, and with this fandom we can all finally connect, and see each other, and know that we are not alone! and if there is one thing I love, it is to dance a little after I've cried. I think its important to. shake these emotions out of our body. like animals do! and then I made CURE FOR ME. because I thought about all the warriors out there feeling. a little crazy... after isolation! or after being depressed! and being l rocked in with their families that might not accept them for who they are.. and I thought I needed to make a song for us all, that felt a little uplifting. and uniting. just so we know where not alone, and just so we know that we are worthy.. of everything! and that we are worthy of celebrating ourselves!! ALWAYS! aniri003: Were the dancers freestyling in the last part of the video Aurora: YES! I told them to put their freak game on. And they were amazing. L_pls_use_revive: Hei Aurora! Apart from inspiring me with your music for emotional people, I also dicovered my love for Norway and the Norwegian language through you - now studying it in my second year at university. Tusen, tusen takk! I want to visit soon when traveling is safe - So which place should I not miss out on? Have a great life! Aurora: I think the whole of Norway is worth visiting! there are so many beautiful places. and beautiful people! I would ofc. recommend Bergen! (haha!) but also places like Tromsø, Trondheim, Stavanger, lofted and The Geirangerfjord and the Northwest!!! HAHA KakSetoKaiba: How's the progress of the album that you've been preparing which will be released after your death? Aurora: its going well, I take one song for every chapter and I put it on my death album instead of the album I'm making  its going well. and im excited about it! maria_fernandez_: This is not a question but I just wanted to tell you that discovering you and your music has been the best thing that ever happened to me. What your music makes me feel cannot be described in words. I love you so much. Greetings from Spain!! Aurora: thank you!!! applepieaurora: Whats your favorite pie? 🐉 Aurora: apple pie  and blueberry pie!! Ok-Potato7244: Thanks for sharing your time ... a warrior here to welcome you...Have some tea...And i don't need a cure for disliking keeping animals in cages...Especially birds...💚... Aurora: thank you pekaraseva: what do you feel when you perform Ioadk or Adkoh for people? Aurora: I feel so full of emotion and love and despair I could almost explode  and its wonderful. I also feel insanely connected to the audience when I sing these songs.. I. think. its because they are such important pieces of my soul targaryenblood02: omg what do you think cure for me would smell like? 🐛 Aurora: like something Brazilian! like Asai! or caipirinha! or Brigadeiro!

sproutingephemeral: Hello Aurora, Thanks for your new song, I've gotten quite addicted to it😊 I have a question that might be a bit difficult to answer. I am a Warrior from the U.S. currently without a clue of where I should be and what I should be doing. I'm done with school, and in the process of moving to a new town with my parents. I'm applying for jobs, but I feel like I can't find my reason for being in a smaller area with not many people my age. I feel like my parents are trying to mold me into a certain person, which doesn't feel authentic to me. I probably should be making more of my own decisions at my age, but I'm a bit scared and confused, if what I think is deemed too unrealistic or out of line with their expectations for me (like a childhood dream?). I tried talking to them about it, to little success. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Or am I just being spoiled or lazy? I read about how you were initially opposed to starting your career until your mother convinced you to change your mind. How do you know whether or not to trust in your parents' plans for you? On a lighter note, do you prefer cookies that are more soft (chewy) or hard (crumbly)? I don't need a cure for...my autism, and tendency to talk regularly to my deceased cat at his grave (??)😿👼 Looking forward to seeing you in New York! Take care❤❤ Aurora: you should ALWAYS. only do what feels right for you. this world is very absurd, and people tend to think they know what is meaningful and what is important. but we all know, money and success isn't important beyond what you need to simply survive. this one life is yours. and you should be just who you want. and do what feels right for you. because its yours. its only yours. drink tea. work hard. be lazy. dance. be shy. laugh, cry. drink wine and eat good bread. be good. fight for something you care about. and either live for your work, or work a little and then just... live. get a garden, grow tomatoes, get a cat. or a dog. or a parrot. life can be so random, and it can be both so little, and so large at the same time. some days were meant to TAKE chances, and live. and sometimes were just meant to exist. and do nothing. you should never feel guilty for not "being enough" because you are enough. just who you are. just how you are. is enough. good luck on your strange journey my warrior, maybe our paths crosses and maybe they dont. but know, when you walk out of your door, that anything can happen! and the whole world is yours. Hippolyte_gray: is the name of the next album hidden in your previous songs ? Aurora: mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee rashadalt: what do you think about your fans who are racist/homophobic etc.? Aurora: I feel sorry for them. because I know I cant be easy l living a life so full of hate. and even spending your precious. time on this world bringing other people down. and I know how easy it is for people to be driven by fear, and how difficult. it can be to have an original meaning and stand up for what you really mean. so I dont judge them, or hate them,

but I do feel sorry for them. and I am also very disappointed in them. because its such a. waste of human potential to live your life in the paths of hatred.

but as long as we face hate with love, we will eventually win. when we show them. we are not the enemy, just people trying to make a better world, I think, and I hope that eventually we can all agree that being able to live, and being able to love is a human right. Brivera726: I noticed you said you would bring LOTR trilogy with you to an island- I’m reading them for the fourth time right now  I feel like if Galadriel sing songs it would sound like you! Anyway I really like your art so yah just keep doing u- love from PFC Rivera, USMC Aurora: this is then est thing ive ever read thank you Aurora: I am. sorry people, but my time here (for tonight) is up </3 but I will probably be back looking at your questions and thoughts because I did really. enjoy this. and I. love you all so. much.

[link]

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Marasmus

Marasmus only has a handful of fics left at Gossamer, but you can find more X-Files fics at AO3 (as finisterre). Some of my favorites of her stories I've recced here before, including one of the most clever fics you could read, Cellphone (here at AO3), and the lovely, London-set A Candle for Katherine (here at AO3, bonus commentary at LJ). Big thanks to Marasmus for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Mine, yes, older XF in general, no — some of that stuff is amazing. Though I wonder how well fandom operates now there is not a plethora of rec sites. I know of yours and one more Tumblr blog and that’s it.  I find it really difficult to find good stories in any fandom unless someone whose taste maps to mine recommends something.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

I look back on it fondly, but it was one of the first things that really hammered it home to me that every grouping throughout life follows the pattern of school.

A lot of people are really talented and funny and kind. Then there are absolute ego-rampaging nightmares who act like lady bountiful in public but do cruel things in private, or chuck their toys out of the pram at the least provocation.

And like school, fandom brings together a disparate group of people who you’re friendly with, but once you leave, the ones you stay in touch with are your friends.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Thank God.

I watched the show pre-widespread internet and mostly when I had almost no money. I didn’t have regular internet access until the third season, and that was only at my incredibly conservative workplace. I didn’t get home internet access until midway through season six. You couldn’t download episodes easily, you couldn’t stream, you just had to wait until it aired overseas. I decided I didn’t care if I was spoiled and that worked for me. In fact for some particularly annoying episodes, I was glad.

I was a newsgroup and mailing list sort of person. Never really did message boards unless a newsgroup counts, though I had a Haven account.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Mostly, how talented people are. I know some are now professional writers, but so many people who didn’t do it as anything but a hobby were also amazing.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I always liked science fiction, oddness and urban legends, so it was kind of made for me. But it was the relationship between Mulder and Scully that kept me around, and after season six, it was the fandom that kept me around. I loved Scully in particular, cos let’s be honest, Mulder can be kind of a twerp at times.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I hung out on alt.tv.xfiles.analysis (a newsgroup), which was one of the smartest boards I’ve ever been on. The threads were full of well-read, erudite people. That led to a site which collated reviews of XF episodes. They mentioned alt.tv.xfiles.creative, and I got there the summer after Gethsemane, which was pretty optimal timing.

I’d take floppy disks into conservative workplace and quietly download the most gloriously filthy fanfic onto them for reading at home on my ancient second-hand Mac.

After that I joined Scullyfic, a mailing list, which was a lovely place to hang out for a while, and got stories through a couple of other mailing lists.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Like my relationship to ice hockey: glad that activity exists and that some people enjoy it, but not watching and not involved myself.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Reading, yes, and writing the odd bit of feedback, but any other fandom involvement didn’t really take. I’ve never found a bunch of people I liked as well as I liked some of the people in XF.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I am usually more interested in female characters than male ones (the Doctor, Mulder and Jack O’Neill notwithstanding), which is why I only read a bit of m/m slash. I usually develop a perverse dislike for any woobie the fandom loves.  

Some favourites are: Samantha Carter and Jack O’Neill, Granny Weatherwax, Furiosa, everyone from The Good Place, Donna Noble, Sarah Jane Smith, Martha Jones and Yasmin Khan, Maia from The Goblin Emperor, Cordelia Naismith and Miles Vorkosigan, General Leia Organa, Rey and Finn, and lately all of The Old Guard, even Booker...

I like nerds, pining, best friends discovering feelings for each other, second chances, redemption narratives, people being sneaky for good ends and stoics who stay stoic through all kinds of misery, only to crack and start crying when they get a happy ending.

Basically, you know Eleanor at the end of the Emma Thompson Sense and Sensibility? That.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

No. I had about four years there where I made up stories about Mulder and Scully on any commute where I’d forgotten a book, but that’s gone now. I watched two episodes of the revival, but it wasn’t for me.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I occasionally wander in and read a bit on AO3, but nothing that deals with anything past season seven. Not interested in William, not interested in domestic fiction, not even interested in post-col any more, which was 100% my crack during XF fandom days. I did read By the Dim and Flaring Lamps [Lilydale note: by @sunflowerseedsandscience] earlier this year. Love a bit of AU historical.

I read lots of different fandoms, though I am between intense enthusiasms at the moment, which always feels a bit odd.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Yes, but they’re all about 20 years old. Is there such a thing as fandom classics any more?  There used to be a litany of stories that ‘everyone should read’. I wonder how well they hold up now.

I think there are waves of writers who come into a fandom and then leave again: I think I was part of a second wave, with the first wave being Mustang Sally, RivkaT, Karen Rasch, Lydia Bower, Nascent etc.

Then there must’ve been a third wave for the revival (and mini-waves in between). I don’t know that group of writers, so I am probably leaving out people who are really good.

One of my favourite Scully voices is Five Years and One Night [Lilydale note: by Shalimar], because of the contrast between her inner monologue as written and how little she actually says.

I really like quieter, thoughtful authors like Michelle Kiefer, Cecily Sasserbaum, Scullysfan, Cofax, Anjou, Maria Nicole, Kipler.  Love everything Kel ever wrote.

At one point there were also about three authors called Rachel who were knockout. I like to think Rachel Howard is writing professionally because it’s a waste of talent if she’s not. Rachel Anton had a crazy gift for pacing and wrote a good Krycek.

I really liked Branwell’s strange AU novels, which riff off The Field Where I Died (a wretched episode but so much good writing came from it.) [Lilydale note: Condemned to Repeat It by Branwell is a really long story involving The Field Where I Died.]

Everyone who is reccing other people’s stuff here is also a good writer. (and their taste in recs is — mostly — excellent): http://www.thebasementoffice.com/museaxfnet/museans/TitlesAF.html

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I like The Flexible Concept of Tomorrow. I loved trying to work out the timelines. I like the one about airships and cross-dressing which only exists on my iPhone and in my imagination right now.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Only an AU, if ever. I am completely at sea with canon.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

In my head. Mostly AUs. Everyone has daemons! It’s an airship! They’re exploring space! It’s mediaeval Slovenia!

Most of my creativity is sucked away by work. Which is good I suppose, as writing fanfic never paid my Netflix subscription.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Reading long-form journalism and non-fiction books.  

What's the story behind your pen name?

Well, I changed mine. The first one was picked out of a magazine article about Branwell Bronte, and I liked the shape of the word. Then I got to feel uncomfortable with it because it was a real illness that made people suffer. The current one comes from the shipping forecast when I was a kid.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

No, and also absolutely not. Over my dead body. Over YOUR dead body.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

I took my stories off Gossamer but I don’t remember why. They’re on AO3 now and there are probably stray copies on some archives out there.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

I have made all of these mistakes. All of ‘em.

— On no account offer unsolicited concrit. In fact, do not provide concrit EVEN IF THE PERSON ASKS FOR IT, unless you know them reasonably well and it’s in private.

— Avoid the wank. If you have the perfect riposte to something awful, write it and file it to drafts for two days. If you still want to send it after that, godspeed.

— Write anything you want, and when you start keep going. You can edit later.

— Never put any story into the public sphere unless you’ve had a second pair of eyes on it, preferably the eyes of someone who is willing to say “are you SURE about that?”

Finally, just have fun. Being in the grip of love of story is a wonderful thing, and you never know how long it will last.

(Posted by Lilydale on September 29, 2020)

[radramblog]

Radiohead Retrospective Part 4: We’ve got heads on sticks

Your name is Thom Yorke. You’ve just released what is considered one of the best albums of the 90s, if not of all time, and you’ve achieved a level of fame that at least one band member considers akin to the Beatles. Through the release of OK Computer, you’ve proven that even if people are pretty much over Oasis at this point, British rock bands still rule the airwaves. You’re also stressed the fuck out over just about all of this, and having a very hard time accustoming to the life of a celebrity- let alone the usual mental health issues.

What will you do?

Apparently, the answer was to write the fourth album to be as far away from the previous few as possible, seeking influence from IDM groups like Aphex Twin, jazz stuff, and just some bizarro instruments and experimentation and leaving a lot of the “rock” stuff behind. The primary genre listed for Kid A is usually Electronica or Ambient, with various off-kilter rock subgenres lagging behind, crying “you’re still gonna do guitars and stuff, right?”

Well…not as much anymore. But this era of Radiohead, this career-suicidal swerve, still proved monumentally successful, and showed that the band still had it, and that sometimes artistic risks do pay dividends.

A side note: I usually link music videos for the tracks I discuss as part of each post, as you’ll have seen in previous parts of this series. Kid A, however, doesn’t have any singles, and it sure doesn’t have any music videos. So…maybe just listen yourself. I’m probably in over my head here anyway.

I think the first 5 notes of Everything In Its Right Place are some of the most iconic in all of music.

Some personal background- Kid A was the first Radiohead I ever listened to. A particular cool and good mate of mine was a fan in high school, but I’d never listened to them at all, and I trusted his opinion musically, so I went to buy one of their CDs the next time I was at the shop. And for whatever reason, the cheapest one was Kid A at 10 bucks, and I didn’t want to gamble more than that, so that’s the one I got.

So the opening notes of Everything In Its Right Place were the first Radiohead I ever heard. And considering how much I obsessed over this band, in high school and beyond, it’s no surprise that this song is one of my favourites.

Not only did this song introduce me to Radiohead, it was effectively a gateway track for electronic music in general. This was the early 10s, and the majority of what I knew as electronic stuff was the EDM that was drowning the airwaves at the time. I hated that stuff out of principle, because being a hipster like that was definitely a personality. I don’t think I would ever have gotten into Vaporwave, into IDM, or into any electronic music the way I eventually would were it not for Everything In Its Right Place.

Now that I’ve spent 250 words talking about myself and not the actual song, we should probably stop that. Everything In Its Right Place is defined by this steady build of layering vocals and effects onto the relatively calm synth line, distorted vocals and word salad lyrics and manipulated noises growing and getting more chaotic before it just stops- the vocals fade out, the effects drop, and you’re left with the synth line- except it’s been slowly changing itself the whole time, and you don’t realise because you’ve been distracted by everything else at the same time.

It’s worth noting (and I don’t know if this was the case with OK Computer, because I don’t have an original copy of that one) that this was an album without liner notes, without the lyrics in the cover booklet. But at least in this case, the lyrics don’t matter as much as the v i b e. At least, that’s what I think.

On the topic of unintelligible lyrics, Kid A has a title track! I believe literally two Radiohead albums do this, the other being The Bends (though Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows do appear as lyrics). The song itself is an ambient, quiet piece that feels something like a twisted nursery tune- incredibly affected vocals, a syncopated (?) percussion, and a synth (I think???) that…I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels nursery-rhyme-y. If you’ve heard this song a few times, or you know what to listen for, you can piece together the lyrics somewhat- and they are, frankly, kind of unsettling. What is standing in the shadows at the end of your bed, can it please leave? And imagery of the Pied Piper is always either extremely silly or extremely unnerving, with this clearly leaning towards the latter. There’s a lot going on here- especially for a track most probably wouldn’t listen to outside the context of the full album. I know I generally don’t- not the kind of thing I generally am in the mood for.

 We’re at 850+ words, and we’re only up to The National Anthem? Fuuuuck. Well, anyone who wasn’t on board the IDM train can at least appreciate this one more, it’s got an actual bassline. A killer one, at that, that drives the whole track. Well, you know, that and the B R A S S. Seriously, it sounds like they invited a marching band to this bad boy. The combination ends up sounding mostly like controlled chaos, a jazz band traffic jam wound together by that B A S S. But the bass can’t hold it forever, and eventually that shit breaks free and just, it just honks all over the place.

I’m frustratingly running out of things to say about this song I really like, as opposed to the other songs I really liked. Unfortunately, ya boi forgot to take his neurotypicalification pills today, and so I’m getting very distracted. Hopefully, that slightly unhinged nature suits the album somewhat.

The next song, How To Disappear Completely, is a Big Mood with a fun story attached. The main lyrics- I’m not here, this isn’t happening- were allegedly something none other than Michael Stipe from R.E.M. told Thom to help him deal with that massive stage fright that came with Getting Big. Fun trivia aside, this song is gorgeous, luscious with massive strings, an acoustic bend, aethereal vocals, and a background drone running through the thing that makes sure your hair is always a little on end through the thing. It’s a song whose lyrics are an attempt to escape anxiety, whose instrumentation serves more to reinforce it- a calm, melodic piece that builds into nervous swells and threatening strings. A song about fighting your fear, and losing.

Fuck me it’s a bit depressing isn’t it. It’s potentially the most emotionally revealing song the album has- a lot of the lyricism on other tracks is more metaphorical, or subtle, but the meaning in How To Disappear Completely is evident even just from the title. You get lost in the strings and they go from calming, to imposing, to downright menacing (and then back again) in the song’s final minute.

Treefingers, on the other hand, has a lot less to say, and by that I mean it’s an instrumental. A very atmospheric, ambient one, and thereby one I don’t have a lot to say about. I’m not sure I’m particularly good at commenting on regular music, but this kinda thing is a whole different animal. I have no idea how to interact with discussing this. I like it? I will say, that one note right at the end, that echoes for a bit, the one piece of clarity in this muddled, reverbed sphere, feels especially poignant, for reasons I cannot describe.

We go from ambient instrumental to arguable the most rock-song-like track on this album, Optimistic, certified banger that it is. Some might argue that it doesn’t fit here, but like, did they even hear the lyrics? The bridge? It more that deserves its place on one of the best albums around. The little way the guitar scales up during the chorus is excellent, the proggy drums and riffs are glorious, it’s just a very good rock song.

Also this is the first song with the lyric “dinosaurs roaming the earth”, which, aside from being a bit of a non-sequitur, would return two albums later. And I’m really looking forward to that one.

In Limbo is a song I kind of always forget exists until I hear it again. It’s antimemetic, the way the song goes slipping from my mind until I hear those opening notes again. I’m going to be honest, it’s probably because it’s also the most mid song on the album. Far from bad, but it isn’t doing anything that How to Disappear Completely or Optimistic aren’t doing better. If I had to remove any track from this album, it might be this one?

Watch me get fucking lynched from the fandom for that one, if I ever post this to r/Radiohead or whatever. Which I might, though as much as I’d like more people to read my things I’m also extremely anxious about the potential response. Like the album I’m discussing today, I’m terrified of fame.

Incidentally, In Limbo is also the shortest track on the album (Treefingers beats it by 11 seconds), though this isn’t initially obvious online at least, because people keep messing with Motion Picture Soundtrack. But we’re not there yet, hang on.

We go from the forgettable (to me) In Limbo to the utterly mesmerizing Idioteque. Anxious but danceable, confusing but emotive, messy but tightly controlled. I love this fucking song to death. The reason I got the particular Radiohead poster that I did was because it has lyrics from this on it.

I’ve heard that lyrics for this album were largely pulled from a hat, and nowhere is that more clear than here (or maybe Everything In Its Right Place). Despite this, there’s a pretty clear theme in them, a continuation of some of the themes of this and the last albums. A condemnation of wealth and cowardice in the face of ecological disaster. In the form of an apocalypse disco.

What a lot of people don’t know about this track is that it actually samples an extremely old electronic music piece- one written in 1973, on a particularly old computer. The track, mild und leise, is a very interesting track considering its age- I’m reminded of Selected Ambient Works by Aphex Twin- not so much musically, but about how that reason was as influential as it was because it was the first time songs had sounded like that, because it was the first time songs could sound like that- I suppose it’s somewhat similar in that way, if older. These pieces and their composers inexorably linked by the allure of technology, and how that could be used to define new eras in music history- in Radiohead’s case, it certainly defined the next few albums in their lifespan.

Jesus mild und leise is long, it’s still going as I write this. I need to get back to Kid A, man!

Idioteque leads directly into Morning Bell, admittedly another less memorable song. Largely percussion lead, plenty of falsetto, and with a very unsubtle theme if you listen to the lyrics. I recall seeing someone saying that “cut the kids in half” was a really surprising and spooky line, and, yeah, sure, it sort of is, but it’s only particularly bad if you don’t pay attention for the rest of it. It’s about divorce, dude, it’s not subtle.

Or apparently not, according to one interview, but Thom said the interpretation isn’t invalid, so haha still winning baybeeeee.

I think the only part of this I really can’t do without is the outro, because the last minute and a half of this song is really cool. The mumbled lyrics go really well with the rising percussion and eerie effects that end the track.

Our final song is Motion Picture Soundtrack, or, Exit Music (for Walt Disney’s Depression Nap). This and Street Spirit I think are what really cement Radiohead’s reputation for brutal closers, both of them being tragic but hauntingly beautiful in different ways. In this case, it’s the instrumentation- glittering harps attempting the echo 50s Disney. There’s actually a version of this song from the OK Computer era with extremely different instrumentation, piano rather than organ, and no harps (and a third verse that is utterly brutal). Regardless, this is the song they chose to close the apocalypse that Kid A is on- the final lyric being “I will see you in the next life”, as the glittering echoes into the night. Poignant and tragic, but a little hopeful- the next life hopefully won’t have the struggles and pain of this one.

And then, of course, there’s the hidden track. Nicknamed Genchildren by some (that’s just the username of the dude who uploaded it to Napster back in the day), officially known as Untitled, and the true closer to the album. With Spotify slapping it right at the end of Motion Picture Soundtrack, it’s not clear the true nature of this song- it’s actually hidden on the original album, after several minutes of silence, just long enough that you’ve forgotten you left the player running (or you’re still crying from Motion Picture Soundtrack). I don’t think there’s a real word for what this sounds like other than heavenly, and incredibly brief piece I’ve heard compared to the pearly gates. After all, if we end on “I will see you in the next life”, then what can this be but that?

 Thus closes Kid A, a gorgeous and powerful album, yet an insane swerve for any rock band to pull, not just Radiohead. A bold strategy, and yet it paid off for them- Kid A would not only be massively influential, it was also massively successful both critically and commercially- but not to the standard of OK Computer before it. But they obviously weren’t trying to do OK Computer part 2, just as that album was deliberately not The Bends part 2.

Kid A would pretty much get a Part 2, though, less than a year later. And it’s that album we’ll be discussing next week, obviously. Until then.

[joecial-distancing]

July Roundup

Lifestyle:

I’ve been getting back into running this summer. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve done any serious running, and I have been made painfully aware of the differences in my body at age 29 compared to 25. My knees hurt more, I need to attend to stretching much more seriously than I used to. I’m coming at the task with better self-knowledge than last time, though; I know how far and how fast I’ve been capable of pushing, and I find an enormous amount of comfort and strength from that familiarity. 

I’ve also been applying to jobs, a process which started as nauseatingly daunting, but has gradually settled into just a regular chore of the week (ideally chore of the day, if I’m to keep up with new years resolutions). Getting a resume mushed into a satisfying shape has felt nice, as has getting together a form cover letter that I know hasn’t hurt my chances of getting my foot in doors. Annoyance Boxes checked off, and the rest is getting familiar with the rest of the grind. Interviews have been and will be the same process.

Games:

I’ve also been playing a lot of Sekiro. I’ve always “liked” Fromsoft games, but it’s been rare that I’ve been able to justify the time investment. There’s an appeal in the structure, endless chances to bash myself against a problem until it clicks, being able to run drills when stuck or inadequate (and there is a hook in the inadequacy; nothing frustrates me more than being unable to Just figure out a solution, or requiring too much time to get there. I have a tense relationship with time and deadline pressure. Impatience is one of my greatest vices). So with school finished, I’m diving into this as a treat to myself. The systems are fun, and the camera is so fucking awful that I get unreasonably angry about it. One thing I always do with these games that I think is anathema to a lot of their fans is to spoil myself on what I’m up against. In dark souls I would always have open area maps, rather than try to navigate the combat and exploration simultaneously. It put my mind at ease, I didn’t like the discomfort of the tension of untriggered surprise. And with Sekiro, I know roughly the zones I’m up against, I’m not above watching videos of the boss fights to learn the proper counters etc. No shame, no honor, that’s not what I get out of these games, really.

As with running, so with jobsearch, so with Sekiro, the method is diligence, the appeal is the pleasure of feeling my improvement over time. There is nothing more exciting to me than casually accomplishing something that I know would have annihilated me only a short time ago. I can finish 2 miles in 20 minutes, I want to get it down to 15. This also means the videogame tends to lose out on the priorities list—if I’m wanting to dedicate myself to practice, there’s almost always a different outlet that’d be better outcomes in the long run

very 8 of pentacles mood overall, lately.

Books:

I’m almost done with Pynchon’s Against the Day, which had taken up all of my Reading attention span this month. Unless it does something in the final 8% to lose me hard, it’ll probably clock in as my 2nd favorite of his stuff, behind Gravity’s Rainbow.  Anarchism as expressed against American mining companies, European empires, and the Mexican state; searches for a lost paradise city; warfare between schools of mathematics; the nature of Light. At face value, it feels closest to Gravity’s Rainbow and Mason & Dixon, compared to the rest of his work (I know there’s a lot of subtext and referencing going over my head with all of these in terms of both history and literature; I noticed a lot of reviews of AtD focused about the variety of genre style work that he’s pulling from in certain sections, nearly all of which is lost on me. It has, however, been very fun to me that I’m able to keep up with the mathematic academia infighting depicted in this). There’s a “fairy tales coming to life” quality to all three, if instead of Grimms’ stories it’s historical models of the world: Supersonic rockets wreck the flow of pavlovian cause & effect, the destruction of natural landscape in the course of linear surveying becomes a direct conduit for a massive influx of evil energy, quaternion mathematics casting time as real and space as imaginary allow a yogi to contort himself out of sight and into the imaginary plane. The aether is experimentally disproven in the beginning of Against the Day’s timeline, which doesn’t stop holdout engineers and mystics from working wonders with it.

It feels like there’s about as much going on in here as GR, but where GR is claustrophobically overstuffed (which is also part of the reason it’s a better book) and Mason & Dixon gets kind of plodding, the material here is given space to breathe, without losing momentum. It probably helps that the characters in this are a.) numerous, and b.) unusually solid as far as Pynchon goes.

It’s also got many great examples of something else I really like about Pynchon, which is that he is willing to commit 110% to incredibly stupid jokes. There’s an Elmer Fudd reference in here that completely knocked me on my ass.

Viz:

Watched the Bo Burnham netflix, which was mostly pretty good, though I’m completely out of patience for ostentations self-awareness or fake debate where the ~comedian~ who’s concerned about being ~white privileged mannn~ feels guilty he might be ~taking up space~, doesn’t know that he ~deserrrrves it~... out of patience because I already know what he did with that guilt (if genuine) — he didn’t scrap the project, he released the fucking thing anyway. What am I to do with this, Bo Burnham? Would you like my permission? Would you like an “it’s ok dude” from people of marginalized groups within your audience? Why am I watching along for a decision you’ve quite literally already made? I don’t trust displays of vulnerability before an audience of this size.

Also watched through I Think You Should Leave, which... sure it’s funny, and also very effective at making me uncomfortable, which is clearly what it’s aiming to do, but. I don’t really get why it’s got such a strong cultural draw within the online spheres I’m normally checked into. Saw some discourse about how the quotability is somehow distinct from regular memeing, which, alright get over yourselves jesus christ.

speaking of flavors of the month, watched 50 shades and lmao. I’ve been told by a trusted source the books are worse which is hilarious.

also speaking of flavors of the [century], S.O. and I have been doing a rewatch of pre-MCU comic book movies, which has been some fascinating anthropology. It meant, though, that we had to sit through howard the duck, an absolutely wretched film. Other highlights so far: willem dafoe power rangers acting, the soundtrack on affleck daredevil (incl a fuckin choice Evanescence exercise montage), Blade & Blade II still hold up.

We’ve also made it to the final season of pre-reboot xfiles. Duchovny’s mostly gone from this last season, replaced largely by robert patrick of T1000 fame, who is a better actor but a worse character, dude’s basically just A Cop. The writing’s weirdly probably better than the last couple Duchovny seasons, but the show doesn’t work without him — his bad acting was the main thing keeping things together, the tone’s all off now.

[akathecentimetre]

Hey there, so I really like history as a subject, and I'm pretty good at it. The thing is, I don't know what my career options would be if I studied it, or if I would be able to make money. My parents are heavily discouraging me from taking it as a major. As a 'historian' in training' what's your take? Thank you

Hi there! Sorry for the delay, ‘tis the hectic season…

Oh man, I have so many thoughts for you. Full disclosure: this is something I have worked on a LOT over the course of my graduate career both at my uni and on a national level; most of my advice, however, comes from a PhD candidate’s perspective and may not be directly helpful to an undergraduate, and I should also emphasize that everything I can say on this is very firmly based on the U.S. market only. That being said, a lot of what I can say can be universally applied, so here we go - 

The number of history undergraduates in the U.S. has plummeted in the last decade or so, from it previously being one of the most popular majors. There are many interacting reasons for this: a changeover from older to younger, better-trained, energetic professors who draw in and retain students has been very slow to occur, partly because of a lack of a mandatory retirement age; the humanities have been systematically demonized and minimized in favor of the development of STEM subjects, to the occasional benefit of students of color and women but to the detriment of critical public discourse and historical perspective on current events; with many liberal arts colleges going under financially and the enormous expansion of academic bureaucracy everywhere, resources are definitely being diverted away from social and human studies towards fields which are perceived to pay better or perceived, as mentioned in the article above, as being more ‘practical.’ (We do need a ton more healthcare workers/specialists, but that’s a different conversation to have.) But now I feel like quoting a certain Jedi Master: everything your parents say is wrong. Let’s dive into why being a historian is a positive thing for you both as a person and as a professional - 

You will be a good reader. As you learn to decipher documents and efficiently and thoroughly read secondary literature, you will develop a particular talent for understanding what is important about any piece of writing or evidence (and this can go for visual and aural evidence as well). This will serve you well in any position in which you are collecting/collating information and reporting to colleagues or superiors, and evaluating the worth of resources. Specific example - editorial staff at publishing houses either private or academic, magazines, etc. 

You will be a good writer. This will get you a good job at tons of places; don’t underestimate it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been astonished (not in a punitive way, of course, but definitely with a sense of befuddlement) by how badly some of my Ivy-league students can write. Good writing is hard, good writing is rare, and good writing is a breath of fresh air to any employer who puts a high premium upon it in their staff. History in principle is the study of change; history in practice is presenting information in a logical, interesting, and persuasive manner. Any sort of institution which asks you to write reports, summaries, copy, etc. etc. will appreciate your skills. 

You will be a good researcher. This sounds like a given, but it’s an underappreciated and vital skill. Historians work as consultants. Historians work in government - almost every department has an Office of the Historian - and in companies, writing company histories and maintaining institutional archives. A strong research profile will also serve you well if you want to go on to work in museum studies and in libraries public or private/academic. As a historian, you will know not just where to find information, but what questions you have to ask to get to the answer of how to tackle, deconstruct, and solve a problem. This is relevant to almost any career path. 

You will provide perspective. Historians react to current events in newspapers and online - not just on politics, but culture as well (my favorite article of this week is about the historicity of The Aeronauts). Historians act as expert witnesses in court proceedings. Historians write books, good books, not just meant for academic audiences but for millions upon millions of readers who need thoughtful, intelligent respite from the present. Historians work for thinktanks, providing policy analysis and development (a colleague of mine is an expert on current events of war in Mali and works for multiple thinktanks and organizations because of it). Historians work for nonprofits or lobbying groups on issues of poverty, environmental safety, climate change, and minority and indigenous rights. In a world when Texas school textbooks push the states’ rights narrative, historians remind us that the Civil War was about slavery. Historians remind us that women and people of color have always existed. In this time and world where STEM subjects are (supposedly) flooding the job market, we need careful historical perspective more than ever. We need useful reactions to the 2016 election, to the immigration travesties on display at the southern border, to the strengthening of right-wing parties in Europe - and history classes, or thoughtfully historical classes on philosophy and political science, are one of the few places STEM and business students gain the basic ability to participate in those conversations. [One of my brightest and most wonderful students from last year, just to provide an anecdote, is an astrophysics major who complained to me in a friendly conversation this semester that she never got the chance to talk about ‘deep’ things anymore once she had passed through our uni’s centralized general curriculum, which has a heavy focus on humanities subjects.]

You will be an educator. Teaching is a profession which has myriad challenges in and of itself, but in my experience of working with educators there is a desperate need for secondary-school teachers in particular to have actual content training in history as opposed to simply being pushed into classrooms with degrees which focus only on pedagogical technique. If teaching is a vocation you are actually interested in, getting a history degree is not a bad place to start at all. And elementary/high schools aside, you will be teaching someone something in every interaction you have concerning your subject of choice. Social media is a really important venue now for historians to get their work out into the world and correct misconceptions in the public sphere, and is a place where you can hone a public and instructive voice. You could also be involved in educational policy, assessment/test development (my husband’s field, with a PhD in History from NYU), or educational activism. 

If some of this sounds kind of woolly and abstract, that’s because it is. Putting yourself out there on the job market is literally a marketing game, and it can feel really silly to take your experience of 'Two years of being a Teaching Assistant for European History 1500-1750’ and mutate it to 'Facilitated group discussions, evaluated written work from students [clients], and ran content training sessions on complex subjects.’ But this sort of translation is just another skill - one that can be learned, improved, and manipulated to whatever situation you need it to fit.

Will you make money? That’s a question only you can answer, because only you know what you think is enough money. That being said, many of the types of careers I’ve mentioned already are not low-paying; in my experience expertise is, if you find the right workplace and the rewarding path, usually pretty well-remunerated. 

Specific advice? Hone your craft. Curate an active public presence as a historian, an expert, a patient teacher, and as as person enthusiastic about your subject. Read everything and anything. Acknowledge and insist upon complexity, and celebrate it when you can. 

And finally - will any of what I’ve said here make it easy? No, because no job search and no university experience is easy these days. It’s a crazy world and there are a lot of awful companies, bosses, and projects out there. But I do very firmly believe that you can find something, somewhere, that will suit your skills, and, hopefully, your passions too. 

Resources for you: the American Historical Association has a breakdown of their skills-based approach to the job market, reports on the job market(s) for history PhDs collectively called ‘Where Historians Work,’ and a mentorship program, Career Contacts, which could connect you with professional historians in various workplaces. There is a very active community of historians on Twitter; search for #twitterstorians. For historians who identify as female, Women Also Know History is a newer site which collates #herstorian bios and publications to make it easier for journalists to contact them for expert opinions. ImaginePhD provides career development tools and exercises for graduate students, but could probably be applied to undergrads as well. The Gilder Lehrman Institute is one of the premier nonprofits which develops and promotes historical training for secondary school teachers and classroom resources (U.S. history only). Job listings are available via the AHA, the National Council on Public History, and the IHE, as well as the usual job sites. And there’s an awful lot more out there, of course - anyone who reads or reblogs this post is welcome to add field-specific or resource-specific info. 

I hope this helps, Anon, or at least provides you with a way to argue in favor of it to your parents if it comes to that. Chin up!

[bvlavender]

A Story A Day Keeps COVID Away – 05/06/20: Crisis #348

“Goddammit, when am I now?”

I froze. That’s not possible, I thought. You are alone, on a spaceship that is about to crash. Your panic about the engine is just manifesting into voices in your he-

“Ooo, microgravity. It’s been a while since I felt that.”

Putting up my fists, I whirled to face the person who couldn’t possibly be behind me. But the woman, floating towards the engine room door, utterly fascinated by floating fabric of her maroon dress, seemed so real that I nearly-

She was floating towards the engine room. I pushed off the control panel behind me and tackled the stranger into the portside window. Even though I held her pinned, could feel the odd stiffness of her – was that a hoop skirt? – I still couldn’t quite believe that she was there. “Who the hell are you.”

At my words, the woman beamed brightly. “Oh, English. How I missed you.”

In response to that baffling statement, I raised a fist. “Tell me how the hell you got on my ship in the next ten seconds or I knock you into the next solar system.”

She didn’t even flinch. “I get randomly transported to crisis situations in order to prevent and/or mitigate whatever catastrophe is happening at the time. I don’t have any control over it, I don’t know why it happens, and it’s been happening for a very long time, so if we could just skip the surprise and get to the stop-the-disaster bit, that would be great for both of us.”

I could barely process her story. I couldn’t decide if she was an excellent liar, or if the tale was so absurd it had to be true. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance.

Turbulence wracked the ship, slamming us both into the window. Through it, we could see the star that the ship was rapidly falling into. The emergency alarms, which had already been gratingly loud, increased their pitch and frequency. We both covered our ears.

The woman yelled over the sirens. “I presume that, whatever’s wrong here, fixing it is more of a two person job?”

Her deduction was correct. And regardless of the truth of her story, I doubted that she wanted to die a fiery death in the unrelenting heat of a red dwarf. “Do you know anything about flying a CJ-97?”

She shook her head. Of course. I made my way back to the control panel, unlocked one of the compartments underneath it, and tossed her a comms earpiece. As I set up my headset, she followed along.

“Comms online?” She nodded. “Alright. I’ll be going into engineering in a minute.”

Before I left the controls, I deployed the last of the liquid nitrogen reserves into the engine room’s cooling system. Now, the air in there should be warm instead of flesh-melting. Then, I positioned the woman in front of the panel, carefully maneuvering around her anachronistic dress. “Keep us steady towards the bearing on screen. Use the trackball to control the navigation system.” I pointed at the round sphere set into the centre of the control panel. “If we drift too far, use the boosters to put some extra juice into it, but don’t use them too much, the engine’s already about to blow. Lever to the left of the trackball is for port, lever to the right is for starboard. Don’t touch anything other than that. Do you understand?”

She nodded again, placing one hand on the trackball – which immediately slipped off, as the trackball was spinning wildly. Startled, she used two hands to grasp it with more vigor. The ship groaned, but steadied slightly. She grinned at her success. I tried not to hyperventilate at the sight of her obvious incompetence, grabbed my toolkit from under the control panel, and made my way over to the engine room door.

When I opened them up, a blast of hot air engulfed me. I prayed that nothing had caught fire. “Lady. Talk to me.”

“What?”

“Talk to me.” I unhooked my gloves from the side of my kit, and pulled them on. “I do better when I’m talking to other people.”

“Okay. Um. What’s your name?”

“Zaxy Renington. Yours?”

“Kimberly Zhu.”

I started unscrewing the hatch over the auxiliary engine. “Nice to meet you, Kimberly.”

“Pleasure’s mine. If you enjoy conversing with other people so much, why are you out here alone?”

My fingers fumbled on the last screw. “Wow. You do not waste any time. Cut to the chase, huh.” I popped off the hatch, and was buffeted by another wave of steamy vapors.

“You get good at that when you’re always stuck in other people’s worst nightmare. Care to share?”

Hesitating for just a moment, I began to take the aux engine apart. “Dropped my boyfri- ex-boyfriend off at his home station. I was making the return trip alone and… decided to blow off some steam. Made some risky maneuvers.”

“You literally flew too close to a sun!”

“I was trying to get a gravity assist from Gliese 163!” As I snapped at her, something snapped under my hand. A new alarm was added to the cacophony.

“You sure you don’t want me to shut up?”

I rewired the area around the new holes in the aux engine. Two of the alarms went quiet.

“…Alright then. Why’d you break up? You seem like a lovely lady.”

“One, we barely know each other. And two, I’m. not. a lady.”

There was quiet for a long moment. “Ah. My apologies. Is that why-”

“Yes.” I ripped out a piece of tubing harder than I’d needed to, and reconnected it to the main engine. “Even in the era of space exploration, some people are stuck in the stone age.”

“Well, speaking as someone who rarely ever knows what year it is, I think you’re better off without him.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know. I was the one who decided to make the split. Doesn’t hurt any less.” I screwed the hatch back in place. “Doesn’t make me any less stupid for overclocking the engine while trying to vent my breakup blues.”

“How do you know how to fix an engine anyway?”

“CJ-97s are ancient. I bought this cheap, and then refurbished it myself.” Grabbing the now-spare parts, I made my way over to the main engine. “It’s still a bit of a lemon, but I’m in trade school for a reason. Eventually I was going to learn how to retrofit a proper nav AI into this thing myself, but if I hadn’t put that off for so long, I never would have met you.”

Kimberly laughed. “What a shame that would have been.”

With a final twist, I removed the hatch covering the main engine. “Kimberly. You see the big red button at the top of the panel? Near the screen?”

“Yeah?” Then, she made a distressed noise. “Does that-”

“Press it.”

“Will that cut the engines?”

“Yes.”

“Won’t we fall into the star?”

“Kimberly?”

“Zaxy, we’ll die.” As if to punctuate her point, the ship groaned. More alarms started to blare.

“This is the part where you shut up. Press the button. Once I’m out of the control room and I shut the door, press it again. Please. Trust me.”

There was silence on the comms. Then, all of the alarms went off, and the emergency lights turned on. She had cut the power.

I got to work. I could feel the burn of the engine parts through my gloves, but I gritted my teeth and kept going. The ship creaked and crackled, and I could feel the star’s gravitational pull growing stronger as we got closer.

“Zaxy.”

“Just a minute.” I winced as a half-melted screw nearly seared through my glove.

“Zaxy, we don’t have a minute.”

“Just… a… moment.” Sparks flew from the wires in my hand.

“We don’t have that either!”

“Good thing I don’t need it.” I replaced the last piece, and didn’t even bother to put the hatch back. With a well-placed kick, I flew away from the main engine and through the doorway, grabbing the handle and swinging the door shut as I went out. “Now!”

By the time she had pressed the button, I was at the controls. I grabbed the trackball with one hand and pushed the engine to full throttle with the other. I jammed my leg into a nook behind the control panel, so when the ship jolted from the push of its engine against the pull of the star, I stayed in place. Kimberly, however, crashed into the portside window with a cry of pain.

“You could have warned me!” she yelled, though she was muffled by the glass smushed against her face.

“Yeah, well.” I pushed the trackball harder. “You could have warned me before you showed up.”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Then tell me, how does it work?” The bearing we were on previously wasn’t achievable from our current position. I punched in a different route, one that we could get to if I was somehow a better engineer/pilot than I’d ever dreamed. “I work better when I’m talking, remember? And I’ve done all the sharing I care to. Your turn.”

In the reflection of the navigation screen, I could see Kimberly push herself up from the glass. Not quite enough of a push for get her too close to me, but enough for her to not be getting an eyeful of red dwarf. “I do this a lot. Like I said. Get people out of crises, save the day, yada yada yada. And then, once it’s over, I’m gone.”

I wrenched the trackball towards the proper bearing. “Out of your control? No going back?”

“No. Some people have tried to get me to come back, but… it’s not reliable. Lightning can strike the same place twice, but when it happens isn’t your call, you know?”

“I’m about to turn on the starboard booster.” By the time Kimberly processed what that meant, she had already bumped into the engine room door. “Can’t say I didn’t warn you that time.”

Kimberly’s laugh was a bit harsher. I heard the folds of her dress crumple. “No. You’ve got better manners than whatever force is stringing me along.”

We were just about to break free of the star’s gravity. “Hey. If you’re going to leave soon, then I just want to thank you. Pretty sure I would have died if you weren’t there to-”

I stopped. I had turned to look at her, to better see the woman who had saved me before she went to save someone else.

But no one was there.

[biscuitreviews]

Biscuit’s Favorite Games

When it comes to a great game, there are a few factors at play. “Is the gameplay good? Is the story great? What cool memories do you have associated with the game? Did the game leave an everlasting impression?” All of these I feel are what help create a favorite game for a person.

Now normally people would countdown to their number one game and although I do have a number one game. There are many other games I enjoy as well and have left impressions on me that I carry with me to this day. 

With that I’m not going to do a “traditional” countdown, but rather give my favorites before going to my all-time favorite (which for some of you shouldn’t be a surprise because I’ve gone on record with it a few times already). With that, let’s go over some of my personal favorite games.

Halo: Reach

I love the Halo series. I love the setting, I love the idea of you being a badass super soldier, and  I love the soundtrack. I have more memories with the Halo series playing online with my friends and Halo: Reach for me has the best memories.

We would often get large groups going into big team matches and when we couldn’t get a large group we would go into the small team games and have tons of fun with either matchmaking or custom matches. There are many times we would stay up until 5 or 6 a.m playing Reach. Reach also spawned off quite a few inside memes with my friends, memes that we still quote to this day. With Microsoft’s recent announcement of Halo: Reach being re-released on PC, we’re looking forward to remembering the good times as we exchange teabags with a new generation of Spartans.

But aside from multiplayer, Reach also had in my opinion the best campaign. It was emotional, it had some amazing epic set pieces, it was challenging, and most importantly Noble 6 was your Spartan model from multiplayer which gave a more personal attachment to the story.

Pokemon Silver/Gold/Crystal

I was on the ground floor of the Pokemon Hype in the 90s. When the follow-up to the amazing Blue/Red/Yellow came out, many of use were ready to embark on a new Pokemon adventure in a new region eager to catch the new Pokemon.

It made great improvements from the original game, adding additional Pokemon types, a story with Team Rocket trying to make a comeback, and the biggest surprise of them all, going back to Kanto and fighting the Kanto Pokemon Gym Leaders. This made the world of Pokemon feel much larger and connected. Ever since then, it’s been a highly requested feature to have a previous region in another version revisited or ot have a nice dense post game. Although, revisiting regions has yet to happen since Silver/Gold/Crystal, each Pokemon game has been released with a good sizeable post game adventure to embark on.

The remakes HeartGold and Soul Silver are just as fantastic.

Devil May Cry 3: Dante’s Awakening

There are games that we complete at 100%, then there are games we complete until there’s nothing left. Devil May Cry 3 was the first game that I ripped apart inside and out in terms of content. I completed every single difficulty as both Dante and Vergil, acquired every skill, every alternative costume, and every challenge.

I did it because I had a lot of fun with the game’s combat and it was also my first Devil May Cry game. How I got the game was interesting as well. A friend of mine had Devil May Cry 3 and a relative of theirs gifted them another copy of the game for their birthday unbeknownst to them that my friend had the game already. They asked if I wanted their extra copy and that’s how I got into the Devil May Cry series. One day Devil May Cry 5, one day.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

The Metal Gear Solid series is one of my favorite game series of all-time. The first entry of the series for the PS1 taught me so many things. In fact, the original Metal Gear Solid also greatly influenced my playstyle, which is emphasis on stealth.

Metal Gear Solid 3 was a great game that challenges your stealth skills. Not only did you have no radar, but you had to be more aware of your surroundings. Not only could you encounter guards, but you could potentially encounter wildlife in the jungle that could and will also harm you. You would also have to eat to keep your stamina up, wear the proper camouflage for the environment for optimal stealth, and you would have to heal injuries through various methods. All of these considerations added a new challenge to the stealth game to where the systems served as an extra layer rather than an annoying chore to keep up with.

Mega Man X4

This game was actually my first exposure to the Mega Man X series. I was already familiar with the classic series and I was eager to play this particular game and learning what the deal with having the X in the title was. It was then I learned that you could play as two different characters, the ever familiar blue bomber, which my 8 year old thought, “Ok, that must be a new model of Mega Man.” However, Zero was what immediately caught my eye, a robot using a lightsaber (which I would later learn it was called Z Saber) as an attack, sign me up!

The gameplay was super fun and there are slight differences in the story depending on who you play as. Granted it’s clear that this entry was catered for Zero rather than X, it’s still a really fun game no matter which character you picked. Similar to its predecessors, the game has also aged really well graphically.

Skies of Arcadia

To me, this is the perfect summer adventure in gaming. You’re a Robin Hood-esque air pirate who comes across a woman from a thought to be lost civilization. This was a turn based RPG where you had use the correct element on your weapon to effectively fight in battles. Not only that but there was also ship battles where you can engage in fighting other Airships.

It’s also a game that I feel constantly gets forgotten by Sega whenever they do Dreamcast collection releases. Skies of Arcadia is great and is one of the few games that I will 100% buy whenever it finally gets the HD remaster that it deserves.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

As far as the Legend of Zelda series goes I love every entry. There are a couple that I don’t like as much, but they still have qualities about them that I find enjoyable. Although Link to the Past was the first Zelda game I played, Ocarina of Time was the first one I would ever own and complete to 100%. At the time of its release it was a open area for you to explore with tackling temples and finding secrets. It also had a neat time travel mechanic with the story having some areas that would have effects on the future.

Telltale’s The Walking Dead Season One

This is a title that revived the the point and click adventure as well as popularize the episodic format. I got into this game during my Walking Dead craze and this game touched me in an unexpectedly emotional way. So much so I got teary eyed on the season finale and if a game manages to invoke such an emotional response within you, you know it did something right. I got attached to Lee and Clementine and the writing for the season was superb. Choices were respected and although there were many events that still happened no matter the choice, it was more reflected in the dialogue and for what Telltale was trying to accomplish, I thought it worked well.

Borderlands 2

Everyone that loves Borderlands 2, loves Handsome Jack and he’s an amazing video game villain. However, I do have a personal connection that cemented this as a favorite. This is a game that my wife and I would completely co-op with no handicap of any kind. What do I mean by a handicap. When it comes to playing co-op games on PC I am hopeless with a mouse and keyboard, where as my wife is completely running the show. Similar to consoles, my wife is hopeless with a controller and I’m taking point.

I used to not be much of a PC gamer. When I got a Windows 10 laptop my wife and I decided to get Borderlands 2 as Windows 10 allowed you to plug in a Xbox One controller without having to download any additional programs or anything. My wife was mouse and keyboard on her PC, and I was plugged in with a controller on my laptop and it changed everything. We no longer had to babysit one another, we could go into a camp of enemies and come out with barely a scratch on either of us. We even got to better understand one another’s playstyle and it complimented each other very well for an amazing co-op experience. Now I have evolved more into a PC gamer and have started playing so more co-op games with my wife.

The Witcher III: Wild Hunt

This is a game that I’ve been replaying and going back through since I played it in 2016. The detail of how character dialogue reacts to your decisions is just amazing. Also the way you go about fighting monsters is amazing as well. You have to study them, research them in your bestiary, drink the appropriate potions, apply the proper blade oil, use the propers signs and bombs in the fight. It gives you the sense that you are preparing for a fight.

CD Projekt Red used a branching story writing program called Articy Draft. It’s a program I myself actually use in my day job. I’m constantly going back to this game and studying it to try to imagine how the writers wrote certain decision points and how it branched out within Articy. Making different decisions and doing quests in a different order are just some of the things I do to further study this game in how they approach it in dialogue with Articy.

All Time Favorite - Final Fantasy X

As I mentioned in a few of my posts Final Fantasy X is my favorite game. I love everything about this game: the story, the setting, the characters, the combat system, the sphere grid progression system and the soundtrack. The way that Square had the player go through the world and learn more about it was genius and allowed for a deeper connection between Tidus and the player. There have been other games that have done this method of relaying plot information to the player, but to me Final Fantasy X was the one that got it right.

One day I will review this game, but I have no plans to review it for a good long time.

Those are my favorite games! I’d love to hear some of your favorites as well!

[sweettsubaki]

I received my lenses today (July 3rd) so I can finally make my own glasses (well... I didn't "make" them 'cause the frame's already done and stuff but... you get what I mean...).

I'll pass the boring stuff about the measurement (mostly because I didn't think to take pictures for most of the process and it can get confusing) but basically we use a machine that 'scans' the shape of the frame (by using a sort of needle that goes inside a sort of dent that goes throughout the rim of the glasses, thanks to which the lens”holds” withing the rim) and then we put our measurements and the details of the prescription in it.

(this is a picture from one of my tests, that's why it's graded) This is the Boxing System, it's pretty much a size measurement system. The Boxing System or Box Measurement is basically about measuring a frame in millimeters by inserting it withing a Box. While Opticians don't use the B and C measurement (the C measurement isn’t even on there, but it’s the diagonal), A and D (D is often called DBL in English) are still very in use as they usually indicate the "size" of the glasses, you'll find it on most eye-wear arms before another number which usually represents the length of the arm. Here's mine:

This size is often indicated by two numbers separated by a small box indicating the A measurement and the D one. (Basically if you do (2 x A measurement) + D Measurement you get the width of your glasses, here it’d be 53*2 + 15). Adults often wear glasses with a 50+ A measurement (though it depends on the D measurement, but the more common are between 16 and 18 mm).   My previous glasses were 52 □ 16 aka 52*2 +16 which means they were 1 mm smaller overall but they didn’t fall on the bridge of my nose as well as this one (they were also semi rimmed so they looked smaller).

The crossing points of the crosses are where your pupils should be in theory (usually if the frame was well chosen, it works for their height measurement and the machine can usually calculates it unless it's for progressive for which you have to do it yourself by pointing the pupils on the glasses and then measuring from that point to the bottom of the lens). The pupil distance (PD) is the distance between those two points, though because most people aren't symmetrical we (opticians) usually prefer to measure the distance between each pupil and the middle of the D measurement (you'll understand when I show you the workshop sheet).

So we do that and then we put the uncut lens (I think it's called blank in english, but i’ll stick to uncut lens) in the machine which calculates the 'prescription' mostly by using the bend radius of the lens (this is a very strong summary ok so it’s kinda how it works but also kinda not) and then the machine sticks the small plastic thingie where the pupil should be so the other machine can edge the lens around it (yes, I got tired of sorting through the glossaries I found online).

this isn't what all workshop sheets look like because it mostly depends on the software you use but I find this one to be very practical as it follows the frames when they're placed the way this one is (basically the right is on the left, so you can literally just put the lens on its side of the sheet and never fear you've somehow mixed them, very helpful when you have anxiety like mine). On this pic you get the right eye cut lens (it still has water on it) on your left and left eye uncut lens (the way we receive it) on your right. Generally these sheets will have all the data you need like the measurement and the prescription data as well as the name of the lens you ordered (usually the name indicates the index, the material, whether it's a unifocal or progressive (among other things), the coating as well as the laboratory/brand making them, here the laboratory is written below).

this is the side of my uncut lens. The material is CR-39... which is the most common material nowadays. It's a 1.6 index lens which means it has been thinned compared to the basic lens you can get. Now this index is actually one of the best because the ones above don't have the same quality of sight (well 1.67 is still rather l good) while the ones below are a bit more fragile. But my eyesight's starting to get pretty bad so even if it's been thinned out it's not that thin (which is one of the advantages of plastic frames as they are rather thick in general).

This is me trying to place the bevel (pink line) at the best place on the lens so that the lens will fit the frame as esthetically as possible. It's especially useful with thick lenses; This is for the left eye and, as you can see the outside is a lot thicker than the inside, it’s because i have of my astigmatism and its axis. The Bevel is an edge surrounding the lens used to fit the lens within the frame which has a sort of dent within the rim for that purpose. Then we press the green arrow (yes i know the irony as a DC reader) to get the edging of the lens started.

Then we do a few things like counter-bevels to make sure the lens isn't dangerous and finally we can verify that the lens was well mounted in the frame (mostly for progressives and people who have an astigmatism).

you can see here that the data on the machine (called a frontofocometer) for the right lens is the same as the one on the sheet (off by two degrees but usually it doesn't matter if it's off by less than 5 degrees especially for very low astigmatism like mine because these things aren't always the most precise).

Here are the main information you can get on a worksheet. everything that's barred in yellow is the client's personal information (mine's mostly empty because I didn't order my lenses/frame the normal way since I got them for free, one of the perks of the job).

1. basic information : who did the file and when (the little number above is how many files are currently being done which is very useful when you don't know whether there are other glasses waiting to be done or if there might be contact lenses that go with it or some other thing).

2. usually indicates the price before and after the health insurance covered the glasses (we usually call it equipment ;;;dunno if it’s the same in english) so that you can know how much your client will have to pay after you created a specific file on their website (the price barred here is how much I'd have had to pay with my insurance's cut already cut prices if I couldn't use my job perks because some health insurances get  prices cuts with some laboratories for their clients). It's very useful when it's Saturday or between 6pm and 7pm and your software decides to stop working....

3. specifies if the glasses are for near sight or far sight or “others” (such as progressives). Because I have myopia/am nearsighted, mine will always be either for far sight or "others”since I can't see clearly further than ~20-30 cm in front of me However hyperopia/farsightedness can require either a farsighted vision equipment or a nearsighted one (or progressives which is basically a combination of both) so it's pretty useful in those cases because it impacts on which pupil distance you'll use.

4. This is the data used when ordering the lens.

4.0. OD or OG means Oeil Droit and Oeil Gauche aka Right Eye and Left Eye. If I remember correctly OD is the same but the left eye is called OS? I'm not sure why...probably latin

4.1 This is the Sphere aka how bad your eyesight is, it's measured in diopters. If you calculate 1÷sphere, you get the furthest point at which you can see clearly (in meters)... it's a lot more easy to understand for nearsightedness because for far sightedness it gets hypothetical. but basically 1÷(-3.75)=-0.26666666m aka -26.67cm aka -266.67mm. It’s not the exact one because the distance between your eye and the lens as well as the fact that lenses only go from 0.25 to 0.25 are taken into account when deciding the sphere, but the difference is almost nonexistent.

4.2. this is the cylinder. If you have this, it means you have an astigmatism. It means your cornea is not the same size at a 90° difference so you actually have two different spheres in one eye (which can explain the difference in thickness on just one lens) and you see reality deformed (aka you'll see a soccer ball like a rugby one). This number indicates the difference between both spheres. To continue with the right eye example, I have a +0.25 astigmatism (which is the lowest form of astigmatism, honestly it's almost non-existent here) so to get the other sphere you have to do very basic maths : - 3.75+0.25= - 3.50 diopters (1÷-3.5=285.71mm so 28.57cm of vision at most).

4.3 this is the axis of your astigmatism. it basically indicates in which direction the reality is deformed so the lens can correct it. As said above 99% of the time the difference will be a 90° difference (out of 180). Here the right eye would be :

-3.75 (+0.25) 95° <--> - 3.50 (-0.25) 5°

while the left eye will be :

-4.50 (+0.50) 80° <--> - 4.00 (-0.50) 170°

this is my prescription. As you can see it matches. Now English prescriptions often put the astigmatism before the sphere but you end up reading it the same way so who cares.

-> for progressives there is usually a number added after those like +1.00, it means that you add +1.00 to your farsight sphere to get the nearsight one.

4.4 this is the name of the lens. Here it's from Essilor which is a french manufacturer of lenses. I think it's one of the most popular (they invented the progressive) and it's one of the best. It doesn't mean it's the best, there are others like Seiko which are very good, we just happen to have a contract with them. So I'll use this as an example of how the name of a lens can indicate its composition.

Ormix : here it indicates both the material and the index of the lens (depending on the manufacturer the index can be placed after). Essilor's lens created from the CR-39 material (aka plastic) are called Orma (index = 1.50), Ormix (1.60), Stylis (1.67) and Lineis (1.74). So Ormix indicates that the material used is CR-39 and its index is 1.6 (those are linked to how the lens filters the (white) light, to the lens' mass, its thickness, ect...)

EPS means the blue light coating isn't actually a coating but that it's embedded in the lens. You can usually find it on progressives or photochromic/transition lenses.

TB means Transition Brown which is why the lens is colored. Transition lenses are photochromic lenses which means that they darken when exposed to UV rays. it's especially useful for people who are sensitive to sunlight even if it alters the colors a bit (it's never gonna be as white as 'normal' lenses). I get a lot of headaches and because of my Optic Neuropathy and my allergies, my eyes tire quickly so I decided to try them out and, I've been using the for half a day and believe me, it's pretty great. now there’s a myth that brown lenses are often more comfortable for nearsighted people, i don’t think there’s any actual scientific proof of that but it is the case for most people as far as most opticians’ experiences go. i tried both and my eyes do seem to rest a bit more with brown than grey.

Cz F means Crizal Forte, it's Essilor's best Anti-Reflective coating, Prevencia is the name of one of their Blue Light AR coating (Saphir is the latest and best one but since we don't sell it I forgot it existed)

4.5 this is the diameter of the lens we order, it's linked to the size of the frame, your PD as well as your eyesight. It's measured in mm (like everything here).

5. these are your eye measurements. E means Écart which is french for Distance and usually is here for PD (because we're too lazy to write the P?). VL means Vision de Loin aka Far-sight. so E. Client VL means the Pupil Distance of the client when he looks at something from afar. VP means Vision de Près aka near-sight so E. Client VP means Pupil Distance of the client when he looks at something from up close (usually ~40cm). It's because when you look at something close to you, your pupils will move closer to your nose. often you can just take the E. Client VL and then calculate the VP from it. You can see on my prescription the number 57 and below it a post-it that has the same measurements as the ones on the worksheet. This is why we usually insist on taking those measurement because they’re rarely symmetrical so we can’t just do 57/2 (a 1.5-2.5 mm difference is kinda normal)

E. Montage is the PD you'll use for the glasses you're doing at the moment. If instead of progressives you have two glasses, the software should automatically calculate it and tell you which one of the VL or VP to use.

The Hauteur is the height between the pupil and the bottom of the lens, it's the one I said at the beginning was only taken for the progressives. Now I know some opticians do take its measurements even for normal lenses but it's not especially useful for 99% of people. Since I have normal lenses I didn't need it

6. those indicate the name of the ophthalmologist and the date of the appointment (very useful to keep track of the eyesight's evolution)

And finally :

As I said before, I jumped a few steps but I still thought it'd be a nice post to make since I'm so happy I got to do my own glasses. I think I put the bevel pretty well as the lens barely gets out of the frame :3

[thedatasciencehyderabad]

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[miukore]

going back to the roots

i am beginning to settle into this whole sitting by myself in my flat situation and noticing that these long months of utter chaos (in the world) and simultaneous monotony (at home) have given me a lot of self-reflection... is anyone else totally re-evaluating their entire being? 

even though my life was almost at a standstill for a while, these past months have changed me more than i had realised. i felt like i'd begun skydiving really slowly through life, not really sure of my purpose or where i would land because i had no idea where i was going. (i think this is how a lot of people feel.) (and that’s ok.)

i started blogging back in 2013, possibly even earlier, and i loved sharing my thoughts and snippets from my life with kind strangers on the internet that strangely decided to follow along for more. i wasn’t living a crazy life or anything, nor did i think it was spectacular enough to write about. but i loved writing about the little things. they are the most easily forgettable so i wanted to pin them down. like a postcard on my wall. i loved the kind blogging community and wanted nothing more than be a part of it. i loved creating. and putting things i care about online. (even if frankly, no one else at my school or former friend groups seemed to give two shits about.) the kind comments kept me going.

then i stopped completely halfway last year. i haven’t got many excuses. i was mostly occupied with a full-time job that often drains me (i am working on that), battling mental health, healing, being a girlfriend and living in the moment. nothing much happened during quarantine and with work making me feel more and more burnt out, i genuinely lacked the motivation to write about it. i felt like i’d lost my voice. i was loved and happy and healthy (-ier). (apart from my work life, which, don’t get me wrong, i appreciate i still have! but... if you start crying in the gp’s waiting room because the time for rest before a shift is taken away from you, then something isn’t quite right.) i just felt like a different person with a different tone each time i sat down to write something for the online world. and granted, most nights after a late shift i just headed straight to bed, couldn’t even keep my eyes open for five minutes, let alone read or write anything.

my direction never felt clear. throughout the years, i never really had a consistent vision. i’ve always been known and seen as the dreamy girl with her nose rooted in a book that you take out on sunday afternoon coffee dates. but i never got to truly flaunt that persona online. so i began branding myself and what i want to stand for in the digital sphere. and i realised i want to go back to my roots, to blogging, while i establish this newly found self that i want to put out there. same with instagram: i don’t want to just post pretty pictures. i want them to have meaning. a purpose. even if that purpose is to simply create a visual space for fellow writers and creatives with occasional advice.   

i’ve had a conversation about my blogging journey with a long-time reader and friend of mine, elise, in private – and what she said about my posts and writing motivated me to write again. write, hit publish. this always feels so natural to me. i always come back to this.

i must say i’m starting to feel much more content again now that i've decided to throw myself back into the things that bring me joy – the things that give me a sense of purpose in this life. maybe i’m not a bestselling author reaching millions of people with my words. but i can blog, i have a few people who read it, i have a few people who like what i do and i can write my novel and put it out there and learn from it going forward. i can do what i love and stand up for it and be proud of myself for it. because to someone, i’m good at this. i think i’m good at this. this is mine. i feel excited after a day’s work, not like my battery life has been drained. i feel thrilled to start the next day knowing that even if i have a full-time job that stresses me out sometimes, i feel loved in my environment, and i have the freedom to create. 

to put my heart and soul into creating again is what i feel is needed for me right now. i've missed the feeling of getting to push myself further with my content, while i can still be personal, no longer feeling stagnant in what i put out there, and i crave that feeling of typing out my thoughts on my keyboard and having the freedom to strike when inspiration hits, all these fleeting thoughts. 

so if you’re still here – or here again, thank you. hello. welcome back. we’ll see where the rest of the year takes me, and the future. i’ll be sure to document it. i don’t plan to work with a schedule. when i say roots, i mean roots. no schedule. just me and my scrambled insides of my brain, and my fingers for endless, restless typing away. 

[the-first-date]

A conversation with Emma Zack [27/F/Brooklyn]

Madge Maril: Hello Emma!! Thank you for joining me on gchat this lovely evening. What are you up to today?

Emma Zack: HEY DARLIN! I'm here at my desk, doing my job. You know, the usual.

MM: Yes! Usual. What's your job?

EZ: Suppose you could say I have two! My day job (9-5) is as the publications manager at the Innocence Project. My other job, which only recently turned into another full-time job, is being the owner of a plus-sized vintage shop, Berriez!

MM: Well now I have to ask how you got into both.

EZ: Haha. Do it.

MM: How did you get into these two very different positions?

EZ: I'll start with the Innocence Project. I've studied prisons/criminology since I was a freshman in college. I worked in prisons/in the criminal justice sphere in college, and after college, decided that I wanted to continue on this path. I got a job at the Innocence Program in Boston, which then led me to the Innocence Project in NYC! And as for Berriez, I started it because I needed a hobby. I was (and still am tbh) really depressed, and needed something to get my mind smiling. Also, I had a bunch of clothing. Also also, I was shopping vintage online often and was never finding my size. So, all of those factors led me to start Berriez!

MM: So many questions — but maybe the weirdest one first. So you're from Boston, and now you live in NYC. What's that experience like? Do you feel like a cool New Yorker? I've heard that's a feeling.

EZ: Lol!! Quite the opposite, really. I oftentimes feel like a loser. I am a homebody and rarely leave the house, unlike most New Yorkers. Also, I move at a very slow pace, and New York is so. Freakin. Fast. It's hard to keep up. But, I will say that it's 854930574389574 times better than boring ole Boston!

MM: I've also heard about this fast pace. But honestly I don't think I know what it means? Is it more just how busy people are? 

EZ: It's the strangest thing. Since I moved to New York, I've developed insomnia, am bad at responding to texts/keeping in touch with people (which I used to be so good at before NYC), and seeing people — even my best friends — is hard because everyone is just so "busy." Not sure what we're all doing, but all I know is that we're busy. Also, let's talk about how everyone here walks fast. I truly can't keep up. I walk so slow, and people make fun of me for it all the time… like, let a girl walk at her own pace!

MM: Hahaha that's really all I've ever connected in my brain before when I've heard about New Yorkers pace — like a literal fast walking pace. 

EZ: It's true!

MM: And I know you have a ~ partner. Did y'all meet in Boston or NYC?

EZ: Nope, we met here in NYC!

MM: What was that like? Do you think the NYC climate of fast-paced energy affected it at all? 

EZ: What was meeting my partner in NYC like?

MM: Yeah! It seems so idyllic to me, a midwesterner, while also seeming like it could be intense with how busy people are.

EZ: Oh yeah, it really just kind of happened. And I met him only a month after I moved here! It was so unplanned. When we met, I knew there was something there, something special. I wouldn't say it was NYC though — I'd say it was the ~universe~ and the timing of it all meeting each other at certain points in our lives where we could commit to each other, etc.

MM: So do you believe in fate?

EZ: Lol, no.

MM: Hahahaha.

EZ: But I believe that everything happens for a reason? Bad or good? Is that fate? I don't think so. I also don't believe in "1 tru luv.”

MM: I don't think I do either! Though I really did as a kid. Like X Files... I want to believe.

EZ: Totally… I did too! But not anymore, even though I love my partner so much. And want to stay with him.

MM: I think those two things can co exist, because same for me with mine — a love, but also realizing that there have been other people, and could be other people, and that you're actively choosing this one person right now though.

EZ: Exactly!

MM: Also while I am extremely enjoying this I can feel the unseen reader wanting me to ask you about Berriez. 

EZ: Of course, of course. Lemme hear the questions!

MM: Where to begin! You mentioned a lot that I want to know more about — starting a business (can't imagine), starting a business with depression, online vintage, plus-size vintage. Can you tell me more about any of those things, whatever you want to tell me about?

EZ: Hmmmmmm. Well, I suppose when I started Berriez (formerly known as Fruity Looms), I didn't intend for it to be a "Business.” Or, rather, I didn't think of it as a business. I just thought of it as something I was doing in my free time with my friends (who would model for me).

MM: RIP Fruity Looms.

EZ: RIP FRUITY LOOMS 💔. It started to take off about 4 months in I'd say, that's when it started to get a bit more busy. Then, over the summer, it truly turned into a "business"/full-time job… it's still something I do in my free time, but it's no longer a hobby per se. It's a job. I still love it with all my heart! It's just a lot more work than when I started.

MM: I was about to ask — that can be hard, right? Turning a passion project into a job. I feel like it's not something that's talked about a lot, and people really idealize creatives who get to work in their own creative fields — especially fashion because glamour! Glam! But then there's this unspoken weight where you've morphed something you love into your "Career.”

EZ: Yup!! It's very weird, and I'm in this strange place where I really don't know what I'm doing or what I want to do, because I've done criminal justice work for so long, and Berriez really just popped in out of nowhere… do I want to take that risk? Leaving criminal justice to pursue Berriez full-time? I don't know! I suppose I could always go back. It doesn't seem reliable to me. It's scary.

MM: Why? 

EZ: Well... money, for starters! And I work well having a set schedule. Wake up at 6 to work on Berriez, go to my other job, come home to work on Berriez. If I didn't have my other job, would it be hard for me to fill that time? Would I be strict enough with myself? Also, when I don't have structure, I fall into a depression. Although, shit, I'm depressed now and I have all the structure in the world! Also side note: not glamorizing this busy NYC lifestyle. It is not fun. It is not healthy. Wow, am I talking too much? It's like you're my therapist or something. Lemme take a step back, ha!

MM: Omg no. I love it! Please talk about this as much as you like. I think it's all important, especially the reality that goes on behind the Instagram screen (poetry, I know). Because real talk when I first met you online, I was like wow! Look at her! Doing it all! Fashion! Rising star! It's so easy to project those sort of things online.

EZ: Yep, yep. Instagram is a ~facade~ amiright?!?! Lmaoooo!! In reality... I'm just a homebody/stoner/depressed/anxious/chronically ill/loving gal.

MM: Which is so much better! And realer! Is it odd to interact with so many people in Berriez and also the Innocence Project that are sort of living that facade, do-it-all life? I feel like fashion and law may have close ties; it's all very ~chic~ non?

EZ: YES YES YES. Everyone's just trying to do it all and take care of themselves. But who are we doing it all for? That's what I've been asking myself lately.

MM: Do you feel like this intensity affects your style, and how you dress at work or on Instagram (your other work)? 

EZ: Interesting question. I've never thought about it that way. I feel like Berriez has really really really helped me ~find my style~ which is like, middle school art teacher... Lol. Lots of color, lots of fun, lots of patterns. 

I'm a bigger gal, but I don't give a fuck if something isn't "flattering" per se. I come to my day job at the IP dressed like this too, since we don't have a dress code. And I am always getting compliments from my coworkers! Although they may think I'm a little nutty. Today I am wearing space buns, a red and white checkered long sleeve shirt, rhinestone hoops, vintage Levi’s, and these funny looking boots. Oh well. Did that answer your question at all? Ha.

MM: Yes!! Were you surprised when your own personal aesthetic caught on online via Berriez? Not because it's ~weird~ (to me... It is perfect) but because I'd personally find it so nice/scary/surprising if the style I'd curated, my look, resonated with people like yours does.

EZ: I guess, like, I never thought of myself as having an "aesthetic." I've kind of just always worn what I wanted to/who I've been inspired by. My friends though have always told me that I have great style and encouraged me to start a public Instagram for my outfits, but I've always been too shy. With Berriez, I can do that without showing my face!

MM: Aw, that is so sweet. And so what does Emma Zack, stylish person, wear on a first date? 

EZ: Hahahaha! I can tell you exactly what I wore on my first date with Aja. Which was three years ago, by the way! I would never wear this now. I wore tan Clarks, black opaque tights, a hunter green bodycon turtleneck midi dress (that really accentuated my curves), and a black bomber jacket. My goal was to show off my body in a modest way!

MM: Sensible. Sexy. So this would've been 2016?

EZ: Yep! Today... Hmm. I would probably still wear something to show off my body. I love my curves.

MM: Oh I'm a big show-off-on-the-first-date person. I wore the tiniest black dress on my first date with my bf. And it was also a turtleneck! I am just now realizing. I felt like it gave me that "I read books" vibe. 

EZ: Hahaha, yup! Lol. For me it was, "I listen to jazz."

MM:: Yes! Because you're a jazz singer, right? Also would love to hear about your perfume/makeup combo if you remember it! 

EZ: Yup! I sing jazz! That used to be my hobby, until I moved to New York and convinced myself that I wasn't good enough! Ha ha ha. Oh yes, I definitely remember it. I don't wear much makeup in general, so I was wearing mascara, concealer under my eyes, and maybe some chapstick! As for perfume, I was wearing Cannabis Santal by Fresh.

MM: What comes first for you, outfit or makeup or perfume? 

EZ: Outfit, always! Makeup, I don't know how to put on makeup, so I always just wear the same thing. Perfume, I rotate between the same three perfumes (that are all musky).

MM: Which are?

EZ: The cannabis one, and then these two perfume oils that I can't remember the names of.

MM: Haha it's ok! I live for musk. This is maybe tangentially related but it's where my brain is going... How do you stay authentic to yourself? I feel like as soon as I started working in fashion, I had this huge feeling of shame, that I wasn't dressing right or knew the right stuff. Do you feel that? How do you defeat it? 

EZ: I guess I don't feel it because I don't feel like I work in fashion? I mean, I suppose I do work in "fashion" or whatever, but the stakes aren't as high as working at a magazine or a blog or whatever! I just wear what I like at this point. Or what I feel like wearing! 

And, as I've gotten older and more comfortable with myself, I've started to give less of a shit about what other people think of me or the way I dress. Don't get me wrong though, sometimes I'm totally like, do I look insane??? If I go to an event dressed like this, will I fit in?!

MM: Yes! Those are my main feelings, as someone who used to wear a ton of color and print and has been shying away from it.

EZ: Meh. Sometimes I feel like Berriez to be more minimal, and I need to sell more earth tones and plain shit like most vintage shops do. But that's just not me, that's never been me. I'm a straight-up maximalist hahahaha! That's not who Berriez is or why people like it!

MM: I really admire that about you! And your business! And that you have a business, haha. 

EZ: Lol at me having a business.

MM: You do! You truly do!! Final question, since I know we've been chatting for a minute — how was your last first date? 

EZ: Welp, it was in a dark bar, and it was with a cute dude who I'm still with to this day! So, I guess you could say it was a good one. 😉

MM: Ooooooo I would say so! Thank you so much for talking to me about so many things. Do you have any digital spaces you want to shout out?

EZ: Of course!! Thank you for asking me to talk!! I'm honored!!  No, just @shopberriez!!! 😉❤

MM: You heard it hear first folks. Go follow the shop. Here*. Wow. Ok. 

EZ: LOLOL!a

[peppurthehotone]

I was in the midst of finishing a Deepak Chopra 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge my friend Tanya started, when a bit of tragedy struck.

On November 29th, Matt and I were returning from Thanksgiving in Chicago on a four-hour flight into LAX. We had finally landed around 11:00 pm and is Matt is prone to do, he immediately pulled out his phone and turned it on. I always give him the side eye for this because I feel he does it before the lady says it’s okay to turn on electronic devices, and then I berate him for not being able to just sit, take in his surroundings and passenger people watch (as I do), rather than have his nose in his phone.

Thank God he turned on his phone.

The first text he received was from a friend that said, “Call ASAP. 911”. Unusual. Strange. We looked at each other and thought maybe something could be going on with her husband.

I quickly turned on my phone to a text from my brother that said, “Call me when the dust settles.” I’m like, “What dust?”

The next text careened us into a vortex of which we have not fully emerged nearly two weeks later.

Now, we all react to things differently, right? We are different people and that’s what makes us tick in this world. Remember this as you read on.

My brother’s next text said “Tina has been shot.” Tina?! My breath got caught in my throat, my stomach dropped, I slumped forward in my chair with my head smashed against the scratchy seat in front of me and I wanted to throw up. Matt cradled me and we were in “Oh my God” mode on repeat while trapped by all the passenger people.

The next text was, “And your dog Vivian is missing.”

When I tell you Matt read that and jolted backward in his chair and ricocheted off it and nearly fell in the aisle, I’m not fully exaggerating.

I stared at him like he had two heads.

If you’ve ever done the 21-Day Abundance thing, then you know it’s full of all these exercises that get you to a place of gratitude toward all the feels about yourself to help you realize how amazing you are so that you can go out into the world and start killing it. One of the exercises teaches you to not judge others. Because when you judge, you’re not in a loving place of compassion but in a rude place of lack.

I was trying really hard not to do that because my guy and I are two unique beings in the cosmos trying to live our best life but I couldn’t help myself so I yelled, “Matthew! Calm down!”

He didn’t.

We couldn’t get off that plane fast enough and once in the open terminal, I pulled to the side with my suitcase and started to hyperventilate. Because while trapped in the plane, I was literally constricted to keep it together and I was focused on trying to calm Matt, but once I was in open space, panic had room to swell and it hit me hard. I lost it. So while Matt was swirling around like he was possessed, trying to communicate on the phone with his sister who was in town from Colorado to visit us and was picking us up, I was doubled over the handle of my suitcase unable to breathe. We were a mess.

Somehow we made it outside to the car and the three of us sped (as best you can in LA traffic) 30 minutes downtown to where the incident had occurred.

Even in chaos, the universe acts in mysterious ways.

My friend Tina is a goddess of light, and once again, I’m not exaggerating. So, when I received another text from Crescent that said not to come to the hospital because the waiting room was AT CAPACITY of all our friends who were there to support her, it was a blessing because otherwise I would have had to make a Sophie’s Choice of do I go to the hospital to support my friend who’s been shot or support my fiance’ and our dog who was now lost for five hours, alone in the dark in the big bad jungle that is Downtown LA?

And thus began our search for little Vivian.

For seven full days she was missing. We did everything we were told to do in order to find her. Flyers. Flyers in English and Spanish. Flyers in plastic sheathes so they don’t get ruined. Go to the shelters – every day. Post on NextDoor, post on PawBoost, post in Facebook Groups in Downtown LA, in Lost to Found, in friend groups. Post on Craigslist. Talk to the homeless. Make a scent trail. (That was the hardest because Vivian was lost in a neighborhood unfamiliar to her and in a place that was industrial, transient, collegiate and corporate. Anything but single-family residential. There was no, “Make sure you put her bedding outside in your yard so she can smell her way back home.” There was no yard. But we tried. During one day that we walked we tied ripped-up pieces of Matt’s t-shirt to parking lot fence railings and street lamp bases hoping her little nose would find the strips and lead her back to Tina’s place, the last place she’d known as home.)

We were out for twelve hours the first day and eight the second and posted nearly 100 flyers. Matt’s FitBit thing said we walked almost fifteen miles. Matt’s sister was there right along with us. A dog mom and a human child mom, she not only knew what we were going through emotionally, she also knew time was of the essence and she spent her entire two days of visiting us out in the streets of LA seeing the muck of the city rather than any of its tarnished glitz.

I visited Tina on the second day and once I saw her face and heard her voice, I knew she was going to be ok. Because she believed it to be so.

We got our first real break on Day 2 which came in the form of a 10:30 pm call from Harvey, a car salesman at the Kia dealership on Figueroa. He was with a customer and had seen Vivi dash across Figueroa, red leash in tact. Thanks to flyers posted outside his job, he called immediately. That night we jumped out of bed, drove the 20 minutes from our flat in North Hollywood to where he saw her and walked the streets calling her name until 1:00 am.

We came home with nothing but more anxiety and sadness.

On Day 3 we hit the streets again. This time focusing on the homeless population; we knew the homeless had their eyes and ears to the street, quite literally…someone had to have seen her! It’s already in my nature to see people who are invisible to others, so it wasn’t a huge stretch to step into the sphere of someone’s street home to ask for help. Yet, I felt a bit of a hypocrite approaching people because I needed something, rather than the other way around.

We went up and down the encampments between 17th & Figueroa up to 23rd & Main, calling out hello to those who would answer and handing out flyers to those who’d pop their heads out to accept.

At the St. Francis Shelter for homeless and low income, on a block full of tents and make-shift shelters, we came upon a woman waiting for services. She was taller than me, black, about 20 or 30 years old and had a truly wonderful smile on her face. She told us, “I just got some good news today.” I took a moment to assess where she might go with this, and if she was on my side of crazy or her own and once I determined I could engage, I did. I said, “Oh, that’s great!” and smiled the smile you make when you want the person to tell you more, but you don’t want to intrude. She continued, “I just found out I’m pregnant!”

I swear to you the wind was punched out of me same as if she’d suckered me with her fist. I disappeared and pulled the emergency rip cord on my Hyper Peppy-Peppur Doll and she took over like Chatty Cathy.  I watched myself give her a hug and ask all the questions you’d ask anyone else, “Did you know? Could you feel it?” (Yes!) “How’d you find out?” (Clinic around the corner). “Is your guy happy about it too?” (Yes! He’s right there.) She pointed to a guy waiting for her in the street and said he was her boyfriend. There were two guys waiting, one in some kind of a wheel chair and one not. I asked, “Is he happy about it?” She nodded yes and Hyper Peppy-Peppur Doll promptly strode over to the guy not in the chair and shook his hands in congratulations. If I’d a had a cigar, I woulda given it to him.

Matt and I handed off our Vivian Lost Dog flyer and left. As we walked away, the doll deflated, the smile I’d plastered on my face melted off and a burst of sadness howled from me. I don’t have to tell you what I was thinking about that girl, because you’re thinking it too (how, what, when, where, why?!?).  But I was also was jealous. I was mad it wasn’t me. I didn’t understand. And then I … I had to stop myself.

Matt gently asked, “Are you alright?”

I wasn’t. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I didn’t want him to see how bad I felt.

I couldn’t stop those initial tears that rushed out, but I did stop myself from continuing. Because, 1) I didn’t have time to spiral; not now. We had a dog to find. 2) Did it really make sense for me to be upset? NO. I was going to a pain that was familiar and pain can often feel good, like for those who cut themselves. I lived in that pain for most of 2018. I didn’t need it anymore, so I chose to be happy for that young woman (like Deepak taught me) and then I had to swipe her from my mind (like my therapist taught me). I don’t usually do that to people, but this one needed a swift swipe right. She had her own life to live, and I had mine.

By Day 4, I was exhausted. We’d received a sort of ransom call from some Deep Throat guy that said we’d better negotiate a good reward or he’d keep the dog. (False). We’d had a hugely hopeful lost-dog photo match on an app that had us rushing to the Lacy Street shelter only to go through the kennels in the soaking rain to find out the dog that looked like Vivian online was in fact a male. Besides the ransom call, we’d heard nothing which meant she was dead in the street or someone had her. Either scenario meant we didn’t.

Matt needed to keep active. To keep putting up posters. To keep searching online. After that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shelter let down on Day 4 ,I told him we’d done enough for the day and I needed to go home. He told me later that he couldn’t believe I was giving up. He resented that I wouldn’t do more for Vivi. I explained that repeatedly searching wasn’t helping me. I needed space to think. Space to mediate. Space to imagine. Space to visualize her running down the sidewalk to us.

I focused my energy on Vivian returning, Matt’s mind’s eye could only focus on her cold and dead in the street. We were Ying against Yang, night and day, hot and cold, black and white. Real.

Matt became unrecognizable. Or, his energy was. He would falter between moments of extreme grief to panicked despair. All with wrecking effects to my mid-western guy.

Around Day 5 or 6, I told him that I didn’t know who he was. I shouldn’t have said that. That hurt his feelings. Years ago when I told my dad he seemed like a shell of himself while he was going through a hard time, I should’ve learned my lesson to choose better words or keep them to myself. What dad heard me say was that I thought he was a shell of a man. Two very different things, but my words bit into him hard like that time when our other dog, Molly (a pit mix), chomped at my face when I tried to take her bone away. Dad hasn’t really forgiven me and it has easily been 10 years. Hopefully Matt will take less time.

Trauma, and for us, this was our own trauma, affects us all very differently. While Tina was going through her own trauma of being shot, I knew she had a tribe to support her. Matthew had only me — as he should, because we’re a team. And I’m not sure I was there for him in the way he needed, quite honestly. I wasn’t expecting him to be Thor and to sort of be this manly man in the face of pain, but I also wasn’t expecting him do what I interpreted as come undone. Matt usually isn’t one to show any emotion, (hardly ever), so to see this guy in the state that he was, was jarring. Therefore, I was left standing in the bedroom, staring at a stranger, and not being helpful. But I started to understand what was lying beneath.

Tina’s one-woman show last year. She was in the process of writing the second one and then this happened. She says, “I have SO much more to say now!!” #getready

Tina and I are friends and spiritual sisters because we believe in the moon and the stars and the powers above. We believe in good energy, karma and positive thinking. We both reject the negative. She is on a constant spiritual journey and I am constantly seeking the good in people and things. We see cosmic signs in everything, from a tangled string in the street to a receipt totally $3.33 (because three is a FANTASTIC number; I have two brothers and the three of us make the perfect Zodiac trifecta of Scorpio, Pisces and Cancer. When I see a three, I have immediate comfort because I think of my brothers and that fills me with love and a moment of peace.)

This kind of stuff — along with whatever spiritual faith you have, carries you. It holds you UP in times like these when you truly feel like you are out of control drowning in a dirty river of mucky water pulled into a bottomless LA drain.

I’m not saying I was the pillar of strength through all of this, but I had a dreamy well from which to draw and Matt, who is a die-hard realist, had reality. And reality was sucking pretty hard.

Matt and I are very different people. I learned I had to respect his process and not compare it to my own. I learned he loves our dogs. I love them too, but he loves them in a way that is connected to his soul and it was literally ripped out when he learned Vivian was gone. I learned my faith and belief system are strong and that this strength was something Matt is beginning to learn. I’m learning to be more vulnerable and open to other’s responses to grief, which make me uncomfortable.

Our amazing dog trainer, Adriana Barnes, who is a very spiritual woman and a dog whisperer joined us on our search. She lives forty-five minutes away and spent an entire day with us looking for Vivian. She is a believer too and we bonded over this knowledge that something else holds us and that through pain we grow. We knew all of this was happening to prepare us for something greater (she thinks for the two-legged family we will have one day). On Day 7, it was Adriana who helped us find and retrieve Vivian from a young homeless man (whom we hope we can help).  She was found only a few blocks from where we had been searching, but where we hadn’t. Matt tells the full story here and here (why we now call her “Viv the Shiv”).

Our Heroes. Adriana and the young man who found and returned Vivian.

With lovely, smelly!, scared Vivian in our arms, our first stop was to Harvey at Kia. We wanted to thank him, because without him, we would have been really lost. We then took her home and after the vet for a few stitches and a day to recover, we took Vivian around to all the Downtown folks we met who helped us along the way. To say Thanks for their help and thanks for believing.

This is A. Phillip of Fashion Service Group – 1837 S. Main Street. 626,979.4614. He MAKES patterns. Want to start a fashion line? He’s the guy!

  This is Kofi of Coffee by Kofi The Reef | LA Mart, 1933 S Broadway. Coffee is bomb and he also designs coasters and the tie he’s wearing out of fab buttons! https://www.coffeebykofi.com/ (He’s from Ghana. My new brother! #ancestry.com)

Cynthia loves makeup and lashes, so we brought her some.

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Cynthia loves makeup and lashes, so we brought her some.

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Cynthia loves makeup and eyelashes, so we brought her an early Christmas present. This is not the end of our friendship. If you’d like to help these guys, message me. 

JR is the MAN. We call him the Mayor of Main Street.

Last things: I want to pay it forward and pay it back. If you want to help out our friends, message me. We have ideas and we’ll need your help.

Matt will start volunteering at the Lacy Street shelter and I will start volunteering at LATTC (helped us too) in their foster care department.

Thank you to Deonna, Carl, Tanya & Dodger, Karimah and Morenike + Kids & Maxie for driving, walking and biking around the neighborhood to look for Vivian. I’ll never forget your kindness.

Keep Tina in your healing prayers. Send every shade and beam of light that you can. She will receive it.

That’s all, for now.

  #gratitude

When gratitude comes wagging I was in the midst of finishing a Deepak Chopra 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge my friend Tanya started, when a bit of tragedy struck.