#a lot of us grew up with this game. no matter how many years pass we'll always think fondly of it and watch/play from time 2 time...

[willyhoos]

chara deserves to break out of the game window and stretch their legs a little.

HD still beneath cut!

[fan-goddess]

Chapter One: A child’s dream

Catch up on the fic here!

Chapter Summary: You’ve had your previous thoughts on Abraham. Only now he’s come back into your life, they’ve seemed to change to something up can’t control

Taglist: @valeskafics, @omgbrcat @humanpurposes, @watercolorskyy, @blue-serendipity @anjelicawrites @lexwolfhale

Warnings: Talk of arranged marriages, most likely incorrect stuff about Romani culture, crushes, (if I miss any things let me know!)

Ever since you were young, you have always known that you would be married to a man not of your choosing. It was common knowledge in your community how your husband would be chosen for you by your mother and father, whose decisions you have relied upon for so many years.

It felt almost natural, as It had never been something you'd ever feared. If anything, you were quite calm about the whole thing.

It wasn’t as if you were going through something you didn’t already know. Your mother had taught you young what it was you needed to do to be considered a perfect Romani wife by your husband. Some of your fondest memories from when you were a young girl involved you in the kitchen with your mother, who took great pride in making sure you knew all the recipes needed to cook a proper meal for your future family. Though they certainly each had their moments.

From the burn on your wrist you got when you'd splashed boiling water from a too full pot, to the scarred over cut on your finger when you’d been distracted cutting parsnips. From the many years of life, your skin was etched with memories. Still, like most girls in the community, it was one of the few ways to get the undivided attention from your mother, so you hardly complained.

Your father though, as much as he, like all fathers in the community, expected his daughter to be the good wife for their future husband, he never allowed the idea to pass through his head that you would be possibly disrespected by him. It was very much of a shock to you that when you were a girl verging on womanhood, your father brought you to the camps nearby forest and l taught you what it was you needed to do in any situation gone wrong. Compared to most fathers, It was a rare concern to hold, and yet you were considerably grateful for it years later when you were finally allowed to venture into the nearby villages alone, and found what it was exactly what some men did to women while they were on their own.

Your friends, all consisting of the daughters of other members of the community you grew up with, from what you could tell did not seem to have fathers who shared the same concerns as yours did. If anything, it was as if their fathers were fully prepared to give them away to the man who presented the best gift/reason, so he could intertwine his and their daughter’s familiar ties. Most fathers it seemed wanted to use their daughters as a way to better contribute to the community of travellers you all lived with.

Yet when you’d asked your friends on their opinion of the matter, they didn’t seem to care very much. If anything, they seemed a little too eager by the prospects of a marriage outcome like their parents to think of any possible repercussions of what could happen.

It had even become a game to the lot of you. Where one girl would name five random men, some belonging to the community some not, and a girl would need to list them in order of how much they’d want to marry them. It was what the lot of you were doing now whilst you all hung out round the back of one of the caravans, sitting wherever you could to avoid staining your clothes on the muddy floor. At the tender age of fifteen, giggling your hearts out as you all hoped for a future like your parents.

“Okay! Now you need to pick between…. Karl, Lee, Lucas, Jamerson and… Abraham!” One of your friends said, pointing to you to answer whilst you begin to mindlessly laugh with your mates. It was nice to do this. To be so close to girls you knew would be living practically next door to you for your whole life.

They all began to join in laughing loudly though as you proclaimed your preference name by name with a small smile. And when you got to the last name of the list, they’d looked shocked and gasped most loudly of all when Abraham’s name was spoken.

“But he’s so handsome!” One wide eyed girl had said.

Another chimed in, “Have you not seen his muscles? He helps my father with the log cutting and believe me when I say, those muscles were something else...”

“Of course I’ve seen him!” You say, sipping at some random drink that may or may not be yours. “He’s got the hair and personality of Elvis damn Presley!”

Like it had begun, the girls all began to giggle in unison once more. And when Missy Ferguson became raving about her dream man needing to be over six foot, laughter echoed and the cycle began all over again.

It had been nearly a year when you crossed paths with Abraham again.

Your father, now unable to physically help to provide for the family, took it upon himself to enlist the help of a fellow man in the community to do the tasks he himself was no longer able to do. Aka, chop the wood and help hunt the livestock.

He hadn’t told you of his decision, which is why you made such a shocked face when you heard a knock early one morning, opened the door, and found yourself face to face with Abraham. Who much to your appreciation, didn’t seem to show his reaction to your very poorly hidden gawking.

“Abe my boy!” Your father happily shouted from the kitchen table, not even giving you a clue as to what was possibly happening. Still, you step aside with your mouth practically hanging open and let Abraham in, finding yourself strangely timid over his sudden entrance into your home.

You quickly retreat back to your small room to allow the two men to talk, and yet the curiosity naws at you desperately when you hear the two usually stoic men laughing like the oldest pals in the world in your kitchen.

Your ears stay perked as you lay your head against the door. Annoyance bubbling within you as very few words could be made out.

Who knew such a shabby caravan has such great soundproof walls…. You muse, quickly stepping away to look busy as you hear footsteps come close to your door, before passing and opening the front door and closing it again soon after.

You peak your head out after couple minutes to be safe, and the first thing you see is your father with a hot cup of tea in his hands. A sigh falling from his lips as you make your way over to him.

“So what did he want.” You ask, adding a tea bag to a random old mug as you pour your own cup of tea with a smile.

“Nothing much bullet. I asked him to come over to ask him a favour or two, and the bloke accepted them.” Trust your father to give you no extra information. If only it was your mother who’d made the arrangement and talked to him. Then she’d be talking for Britain.

You give a small hum as an acknowledgement, and try to distract yourself by mindlessly sipping at the tea in your hands after pouring a splash of milk in.

Humming as you taste it, but only to burn your tongue and yell a loud swear not even a few seconds later.

“Always tell you to wait a minute...” Your father says, almost teasing you as he calmly sips his own tea. The smug thing…

“And I always ignore you!” You smile, allowing yourself to sink into the sofas comfy mismatched cushions beside him.

It’s strange, as whist you sip at your tea, your brain it seems cannot allow itself to stop thinking of Abraham, no matter how hard you try and think of something else.

What was it your father wanted from Abraham of all people? It was probably to help with chores he can’t do anymore, you thought. The injury he’d sustained earlier in the year making it so your father couldn’t do the hard labouring tasks as he used to anymore.

Hopefully you wouldn’t have to see him anymore though, you think, gulping the rest of your drink with vigour. Even though a minute later your gasping like you suddenly were about to breathe fire with how hot the tea was.

The afternoon of the next day, a knock rang through the whole home. And when you opened the door, to your surprise, you were greeted by four dead pheasants and a small rabbit hanging from a piece of string in Abrahams hands.

“I’ve got some wood to give you too, it’s down there beside me.” He grunts, seemingly unphased by your look at bewilderment that you cannot seem to be able to hide no matter how much you try.

“Thank you very much...” You choke, slightly disgusted by the sight of floppy carcasses as he hands the string that holds them all over to you, before stepping away to grab the medium stack of wooden logs by his legs that he now holds in front of you.

If you’re honest, you’re sort of in the deep end as you have no idea what to do. So you just put the animals where you can in the fridge for your father to hopefully deal with later, and awkwardly try to get the wood from his hold without directly touching him.

“I’ll be back in two days with some more logs, and in four days with more food.” He says, before leaving as quickly as he came. The sound of his boots hitting the muddy ground echoing loudly, excluding the sounds of your own inner thoughts that just scream utter nonsense at you. Abraham name loudest of all.

Abraham seemed to be a man of his word, as he came just like he said he would. On the second day of with a whole pile of wood in his arms, and on the fourth with more dead animals hanging by a string between his fingers.

You somehow managed to control yourself by answering with a simple nod and a small thanks, to which he’s begin to acknowledge with a distinct nod and leave soon as he came. Your mother however, when you’d pass her the items whenever she was home, always made sure to sing his praises for what he’d been doing recently.

“Oh what a good boy he is!” She praised whilst she began to prepare one of the many pheasants he’d brought for dinner that night.

“He’s a man mum, not a damn dog!” You snap whilst you cut up the potatoes into small pieces. You don’t know why you’re all of a sudden so spiteful towards him. Why should you? He’s only being treated like he’s all of a sudden your families favourite child for gods sake...

“Hey now! Watch that mouth young lady!” Your mum says, sending you a sharp look out the corner of her eye that already manages to send shivers down your spine. In her eyes, the discipline of a child never gets old, no matter how much they age.

“He’s doing us such a favour by helping your dad out! You know what, I think we should send him a home cooked pheasant pie as a thank you present! That boy sure needs a home cooked meal, I’m sure of it!”

You groan in annoyance, and it’s brought on with yet another sharp look, but joined with a quick yet sharp tap on your knuckles with her wooden spoon that makes sure to stop you quickly in your bad mood.

Though much to your annoyance, dinner was made and cooked not as slow as you’d like. As not even a couple minutes after you and your parents finished your dinner and placed the plates by the sink, your mother quick as a fiddle nipped to the freezer where she whipped out a smaller pheasant pie to place in your hands with an annoyingly smug smile.

“Make sure to tell him thank you from all of us!” She shouts, leaning on the edge of the doorframe still in her apron as she ushered you off to the direction of where Abraham lived. “And make sure to tell me when you get back exactly what he says when you give it to him!”

“Yes mum!” You answer back, practically grumbling with a face liked a rotten peach while you walk to the other side of the camp with the dish still in your hands.

The dish is still cold in your hands from being in the freezer, yet to your liking it seems to effectively bring your thoughts away from the man you’ll be quickly visiting. Away from the thoughts involving his eyes, that somehow have gotten bluer over the course of the years you went out of touch with him. Or his arms, that appear to have even more tattoos tattered on them from when you last properly looked at him at fifteen.

Before you even know it though, you’re at his door, knocking at it with the tip of your feet as you make sure not to drop the ceramic dish in your hands. If you did, you think you’d never hear the end of it from your mother.

Still, no matter how tightly you held it before, you almost find yourself dropping it either way when Abraham opens the door, and you find yourself face to face with his bare naked chest decorated in various ink in various places. The golden glint of his chain around his neck contrasting almost beautifully against his skin.

You can’t speak as an awkward silence manages to overwhelm you, while Abraham’s own face moulds into that a cheeky grin. You can feel your own face turning a deep shade of red as you realise he’s caught you gawking like an absolute idiot.

“We- I mean, my mum, made you a pie from some of the meat you brought us. A-as a thank you present for helping out with dad.” You stutter, thrusting the dish into his hands while he continues to grin almost spitefully at you. If there’s one thing you remember, it’s that he’s most certainly kept the same smugness from when the two of you were teenagers.

“Thanks pretty girl. I’ll see you in a couple days with another delivery.” Is all he says, turning to give you an almost teasing glimpse of his naked back, before using his own foot to shut the door behind him with a sharp slam.

You can’t find yourself able to move as you continue to stand on the steps like an idiot. Your feet feel as if they’re frozen, with your mouth somehow finding itself hanging slightly open, and your mind screaming at you only one thing.

Abraham has a tattoo on his fucking back.

It was a strangely delicate looking thing on his right shoulder blade. You couldn’t tell what it was with how quickly he moved away, but you could tell it was about the side of your palm. What it was supposed to be though, you can’t say, but you’re way too focused on the body itself rather than the tattoo to even think about it. You already knew he had some. He hadn’t exactly hidden them when he’d opened the door shirtless showing the ones he had on his arms and front of his body. Yet still, that tattoo on his back stood out to you compared to all the others. It looked almost delicate. Soft even.

But fuck. Why did he have to be so attractive now of all the times?

You walk back home confused. Yet soon as you get through your door you’re immediately bombarded with questions from your mother with her ever raging nosiness.

“He said thanks for the pie, not much else.” Is all you get out before you manage to shut your bedroom door behind you, your mother’s disappointed sigh somehow managing to make it through it. Even though somehow days ago you couldn’t even manage to make out Abraham and your father’s conversation in the room next door.

You fling yourself across the bed and in pure exhaustion lay on it face down. You shut your eyes and attempt to sleep the days confusion away from you, but you can’t. Abraham somehow manages to consume you whole without even trying.

At fifteen, to you, he had just been this cocky little shit who went round annoying all the girls with his smirk and his charm. The only time you’d seen him break the usual facade of cockiness was when he asked you to date him when the two of you were younger. It’d been an awkward thing even you had to admit, but you were practically still a kid at the time. So no particular grievances were exactly made from his change of heart when you rejected him. but it was for the best. It never would’ve worked out. Right? Besides, before you knew it, he’d moved on to some new, curvy looking girl from the nearby village.

Yet now…. now he’s oddly a man. A man with tattoos and such a sudden involvement in your life that it’s almost like a sort of slap on the face. And somehow it’s cause of your father of all people.

The only thing you manage to think off though, is what the hell are you going to do now…

[nottyourlover]

Broken Bonds - ch 2

a/n: prolly 4 ch's now :) sorry this took 800 years i kinda put off writing this bc i didnt want to disappoint but here it is.

ALSO SORRY THERE WILL MOST LIKELY BE ~7 WEEKS OF HIATUS AFTER THIS.

series summary: as azriel leaves for a long mission in vallahan, you find that clinging onto old bonds does nothing to heal them.

contains: angst, still mental health themes, pregnant y/n, off-page death, language. slowburn ???????

word count: 8506 (oh gosh)

ch 1 // ch 3

***

Many weeks passed, and with each day, the void left by Azriel's absence grew wider, but luckily you found yourself surrounded with some of the best people in the world, you thought. As always, Feyre was wonderful; she helped you get out of bed, she re-ignited your passions. She listened to you vent about your relationship, gave you advice and she constantly surprised you, always with a little gift from a new store in The Rainbow. However, one of the best surprises you received didn't come from Feyre.

About two weeks after Azriel's departure you had received a letter from your childhood friend Aiden and his now fiance, Malakai. You couldn't believe it, because it had been centuries since you'd seen Aiden, let alone been contacted by him, but on the other hand you saw Malakai weekly. He was Cassian's right-hand man, and you learnt from him after the wedding that Aiden had become a healer who travelled around Prythian, practicing in all the courts. Their jobs were different in every way, but they complemented each other perfectly.

It was unexpected, the letter, but you couldn't have been happier to hear from them, especially because the envelope held an invitation their wedding.

The wedding was a modest celebration, but all the Inner Court members attended to show their support for the happy couple. Kai had known Cassian, Rhys and Azriel for years, since training together for the Blood Rite, and had stayed in touch for centuries after. He was now Cassian's Lieutenant General who commanded the Night Court's forces where Cassian was otherwise preoccupied with Inner Circle business. You knew him from the occasional training session, and you were glad that the two of you had gotten a lot closer after the wedding. He had become fast friends with the rest of the Inner Circle, and after the wedding Aiden also befriended them. It was almost laughable how you had managed to miss that the male Kai talked so fondly about, the healer that had stolen his heart, was your friend. Your Aiden.

Even if the last few months of your own life were less than ideal, the newly-wed couple had become your rocks, and you knew they would eventually become amazing parents since they were so doting towards you and your baby.

You were still early in your pregnancy but careful nonetheless. Although you still planned to work for as long as you could in an attempt to maintain some sense of normalcy, you quickly realised that it was going to be somewhat of a struggle hiding your pregnancy from the rest of the Inner Circle for any longer. Training was not any easier as no one suspected anything, and Mor and Cass still held their monthly game nights when they drank like there was no tomorrow.

Under Feyre's insistence, you had lessened your field work and so majority of your days consisted of writing letters to the other High Lords and leaders in attempt to strengthen alliances and unite the various factions within Prythian, hoping that it would create a better world for your child to grow up in. Due to past efforts, relations with the Day, Dawn, Summer and Winter courts were strong, and you were certain you had their support. The Spring Court with Tamlin, and Autumn with Beron were other matters, however. Perhaps you would ask Feyre to use her sway with Lucien who could convince Tamlin to at least reply to one of your letters, but you had recently heard Lucian say that he had not visited Spring in a long while, instead opting to stay with the Band of Exiles. Then you thought about High Lord Beron. He was a grumpy, disagreeable High Lord, and also a problem for another day, you had finally decided.

The first week and a half after Azriel's departure, you had rarely gotten out of bed, even when Feyre had tempted you with tarts. You felt bad that Cassian looked so regretful when he couldn't cheer you up when you neglected morning trainings those first few weeks. He thought it was because you were missing Azriel, and you were, but even more so, you were worrying over your pregnancy. When Feyre had finally managed to get you out of the house, the two of you mainly walked up and down The Rainbow, visiting the old bookstores and trying all the new bakeries.

Aiden was staying in Velaris for his honeymoon, but he still insisted on working, the kind male he was. You found happiness in visiting his healing clinic, helping him organise records and patient data. Listening to stories of his travels had inspired you like nothing else could. He told you about the catacombs under the Dawn Court, the unique architecture and history of Day.

His stories made you miss your mate, of the adventures the two of you had planned for the future, but you vowed that one day you'd travel with Azriel again. You tugged on the bond softly, something you had been doing since he left to feel connected. You weren't even sure if he could feel it though, since he never 'replied'.

Over the course of around two and a half months, you started to feel lighter. When you thought of your mate's return you started to feel optimistic. Maybe a break was the right decision, no matter how unplanned it initially was.

***

You had been spending most of your Sundays in Aiden's clinic, him helping with the pregnancy and keeping you company. You were browsing his bookshelves when you stumbled upon a book about Illyrian anatomy. It hadn't fully dawned on you yet that the child you were bringing into this world was likely going to come out with wings, but Aiden assured you the birth was not going to be too difficult seeing that you were half-Illyrian yourself. Your father had been an awful person, but at least he gave you the gift that would allow you to start a family with the one that you loved.

Obviously, a lot of trauma and pain occurred at a health clinic, but there was lots of warmth and beauty too, and it was becoming more apparent to you than ever. The young fae that lived in Velaris would occasionally come knocking to sell their sweets, or on quiet afternoons, Aiden would seek them out and give them some harmless (but hilarious) potions that would do crazy things, like temporarily turn their bodies invisible, colour their hair an electric blue, or even make them grow scales. Aiden was the finest healer in Prythian, and you were disappointed he could not stay for much longer than his honeymoon period before he needed to return to the road.

One such Sunday, the 12th week of your pregnancy had finally arrived. You were looking at your reflection in the full-length mirror, hand on your stomach.

You were showing. This was real.

You admired the swell of your stomach under the light, flowing dress. You looked... healthy. Glowing, even. Your features were not so hollowed out anymore, your cheeks fuller and eyes brighter, filled with shine. You felt better than ever.

But it was heartbreaking that your mate's absence had caused this, in a roundabout way. You closed your eyes, taking in this special moment. You reached to tug on the bond, and you swore you felt a glimmer of warmth before the string in your mind felt cold once more.

Aiden's voice dragged you out of your haze. "Y/n, are you ready to do the scan?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

An "ultrasound" is what Aiden had called it. On his travels to the mortal lands, he had studied in the most advanced medical institutions on offer and was bringing this human technology to Faerie. This ultrasound was supposedly a sort of test they did on mortals with child, to verify the health and gender of the baby, and he was going to perform one on you today with the help of some of his healer magic to help.

"Just lay back on here, your dress should be stretchy enough for you to just lift it up..." Aiden trailed off as he fiddled with a tub of gel and a weird device, he explained he was going to lightly put on your stomach.

"In the Mortal Lands, they have these screens that show the mother the baby, but since I couldn't lug back a large computer, I'll compensate with a simple incantation. Unfortunately, this does mean you won't be able to keep any physical images of your baby."

You frowned slightly. You didn't even know it was on the table, to keep pictures of the little one growing inside you. You sighed a little as you readjusted the pillow and Aiden got to cleaning up. They would've been nice for Azriel to see, you supposed.

"Oh. That's okay, there's nothing you can do about it," is what you settled on saying. It had been centuries since the you had seen Aiden again, and after being somewhat abruptly pushed into each other's lives again... it was awkward, sometimes.

"I trust you," you added, "But exactly how many times has this magic-and-mortal-device combination been used for ultrasounds?"

Aiden flashed you the same boyish grin that got the two of you out of trouble when you were younger and given that your mother was... well, who she was, that was a difficult feat indeed. It was one of the reasons you had stuck with the slightly infuriating male who stood before you today; he would always protect you. Of course, this was until you had lost touch. "Well..." he pretended to do a thinking pose. You hoped he was joking.

You narrowed your eyes at him, but you doubted he could even see you. "Aiden? This is safe, right?"

"Just kidding, y/n. Of course, it is safe for use and has been trialed numerous times."

"Not funny." You muttered to yourself.

Under Aiden's instruction, you lifted up your dress until it was just under your bust. The masses of fabric were somewhat blocking your vision, but even so, you lifted your neck slightly to try see what Aiden was doing.

"It's interesting how mortals compensate for not having magic, this gel is especially interesting," he mused. He had become such an intellect, always curious and ready to learn. You were somewhat shocked to see what he'd made of himself, so different from that class clown you used to know.

You couldn't do more than make what hopefully came out as a sound of interest, as you weren't really able to see what "gel" your friend was even referring to.

"This might feel a bit cold," Aiden said, before he applied a thin layer of a wet, smooth mixture to your stomach. "It'll help this little machine to see your womb."

"Sure," you reply. What else could be said?

"Oh! Wait." You add abruptly. Aiden stopped his movements instantly. "I... don't want to know the gender." You finished, chewing your lip slightly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yet. I mean, yes. I don't want to know yet. I'll find out when everyone else does, whenever that is."

Aiden sent you a confident smile. "Okay, y/n/n."

After that, he seemed to sense your nervousness, and so after the gel was applied, Aiden placed a comforting hand on yours, which were busy pulling at the seams of your dress. The clothing suddenly felt too thick, and the breezy material no longer cooled your skin, but instead made it itch, and the back of your neck felt hot. He changed the positioning of your bed with a small flick of his wrist, in a swift motion. Slowly, your upper body rose to a sitting position while your legs stayed flat. This way, you could see what was happening.

Then you heard it, and suddenly, there was too much to say.

Unmistakably, there was thumping. Muffled thumping that seemed to echo around the room.

Aiden had big grin on his face. He met your eyes only for a moment before returning to the task literally in front of him. You realised he was concentrating hard on a small floating projection, a clear screen that showed all sorts of charts and figures. In the center of the clear screen there was a black rectangle that had something moving in it. Different shades of greys and white danced across the screen in pixelated motions but they all moved together, as if they were forming something whole.

"Is that...?" you asked softly. You couldn't get the words out, because your heart was in your throat. It was difficult to see, from the weird angle that you observed the screen in, but it couldn't have been anything else.

Just like when you were kids, he read your mind.

"Yes, y/n," he breathed softly. His fingers floated across the keyboard on the bedside table. which you suspected was somehow connected to Aiden's magical projection.

The perfect mix of fae magic and mortal engineering.

At last, Aiden spoke.

"That's the heartbeat."

***

It had been 2 weeks since that first ultrasound, and you were talking with Feyre about breaking the news to the rest of your friends. The two of you were sitting in the courtyard, the late afternoon sun casting its warm, friendly glow. You marveled at the beauty of the gardens a "Oh, I'm so excited for you! Your baby is going to be spoiled like crazy," your friend exclaimed fondly, a big grin on her face.

Hearing Feyre's enthusiasm calmed your nerves immensely, and you reached for your High Lady's hand. "I wish Az was here," you admitted, "if he was, I'd do something bigger. I think I'm just going to tell everyone at dinner."

Feyre's glance softened at the mention of your mate. "That sounds good, but y/n, I hate to mention this now but when are you going to tell Azriel?"

You bit your lip, averting eye contact. "I'm not sure, actually. Whenever's best, I suppose."

"You can be honest with me, y/n/n. I just think you should tell him."

"Of course I'm going to tell him."

"But your baby's going to be born before he gets back, surely you're not going to have him come home blind-" Feyre said insistently.

You started to get a little annoyed. "I will tell him, Feyre. He will not 'come home blind'."

But were you sure? Would Azriel even reply to your letters? Would he care enough to write more than his usual 5 sentences? A pain ran through your heart as you recalled the last time you wrote was about a month ago. He hadn't replied. You didn't want him to be distracted on the mission, or worse, hurt himself because he was worrying.

Feyre could read your expression. "Are you really thinking about lying to your mate? About your child. His child, y/n. It's Azriel's too."

You fought the urge to roll your eyes. "Gods, Feyre. You think I don't know that? Stop pushing this, it's my decision and if I want to leave it until he comes back... then that's on me." But deep down you knew she was right.

Your words just hung between you as the conversation ended. You didn't believe what you just said, and by the silence that fell, you could tell Feyre didn't either.

The two of you sat in your respective chairs and avoided eye contact, Feyre was fiddling with the sash on her dress, and you were looking into the sky, eyes squinting as you immediately regretted staring straight into the sun.

"Feyre, darling?" called Rhys' smooth voice. You glanced at your wristwatch, which indicated Feyre and Rhys' meeting was about to start. You sighed a little; you would have to apologise later.

"Here, Rhys!" Feyre quickly gathered her things but put a comforting hand on your shoulder as she passed. "Bye, y/n."

Then Rhys whisked Feyre away, leaving you alone in the courtyard.

You didn't want to keep sitting in the courtyard rethinking your conversation with Feyre. Or perhaps was it an argument? You quickly left the gardens as soon as the sun started setting, in hopes you would bump into another one of your friends. You walked towards the door to the main house and luckily, the moment you turned around after closing the door, there was Kai, gathering some items in a satchel, looking like he was about to leave.

You wondered if you should bother him as he looked busy, but before you could sneak off, it seemed that Kai used his big-brother senses because he turned around and spotted you.

"Y/n! My favourite person." He beamed, tucking strands of his golden hair behind his ears.

"I think Aiden might take some offense to that statement." You approached him smiling, yet slightly embarrassed he had almost caught you jumping over a couch.

"I'm sure he agrees with my sentiment." Your friend smiled.

"Going somewhere?"

"Just off to the Night Markets to buy a sheath for Aiden's present. It's a dagger, from my last mission overseas," He cocked his head slightly, as if trying to see if you were okay. "Would you like to join me?" Kai broke into a beaming smile. "We can get ice-cream."

You couldn't help grin as his words lit you up. The two of you used to always get ice-cream together, it was your thing. The ice-cream stores in Velaris changed their flavours daily, always a mix of aromatic spices and exotic fruits that somehow blended perfectly together. It was well-known amongst all your friends that Night Court ice-cream was one of your favourite things, and almost every birthday you got a tub of your favourite flavour, whatever it was. It reminded you of happier days, and some of your favourite memories consisted of you, laughing along with Kai over large cones of the sweet, icy treat.

"Really? I'd love to!" This is exactly what you needed to help you take your mind off your disagreement with Feyre. "I hope I'm not intruding though."

"You could never intrude. Besides, I could use another set of eyes. You've seen my wardrobe; I don't exactly choose the most stylish things." He bumped your shoulder affectionately.

You snickered. "That I have. Then you're lucky I took pity on you and offered my services to you."

Ever the drama queen, Kai lowered himself into a deep bow, "I thank you then, y/n."

Being with Kai had lifted your mood almost instantly. You had confided in him through your highs and lows, and when you had shown such intimate parts of yourself to another, it was easy to settle into comfortable companionship. He was like an older brother to you, one of your closest friends.

You watched Velaris' bustling marketplaces in awe as Kai soared through the air, his wings flapping. It had been a while since you had come out to see the signature Night Markets, but it was just as breathtaking as you remembered. There were crowds everywhere, and each store had twinkling lights. It was dark now, the light from each stall was illuminating the air around it, the mountains were shining a soft white from the snow, and you felt like you had returned home to the familiar sights, sounds and smells.

Kai led you to a few shops, and gods, it was lucky you were there. Somehow, he managed to pick out some of the strangest, weirdest designs that there were. It took almost 20 minutes of convincing before Kai discarded a sheath that was covered in ridiculous dyed fur that also had googly eyes stuck to the front, with eyebrows that jiggled when you removed the dagger.

"It's like an adorable fluffy animal!" He exclaimed.

"Kai, no. It looks like a mutilated toy rodent. I think I see bugs moving in the fur, and it smells like Cassian after training."

Kai whistled. "Harsh critic."

You shrugged, looping your arm through his to drag him back through the door. "I just saved your marriage, my friend."

Eventually you two of you picked a simple design. A sleek black design with silver buckles that was functional enough to store a pen or two, as well. Perfect for Aiden. Knowing him, he probably would use the sheath to store some of his equipment for operations, and the like.

"Thanks for helping me tonight," Kai smiled. "I owe you one."

"Don't mention it. All you ever need to owe me is some ice-cream." You almost jumped when you saw the old gelateria where the two of you frequented decades ago. Had it really been decades?

Kai seemed to be thinking the same thing because the moment the two of you sat down, he smiled, wistfully asking, "Do you remember the last time we came here?"

You hummed in thought, trying to come up with an answer. "I don't think I do. Must've been to celebrate something?"

Kai grinned. "No, not to celebrate. I remember," he started.

"Shocking how someone so old has a better memory than me." you smirked.

"Hush, y/n/n. Surely you remember, as it concerns your favourite person."

"My favourite person? So, not you then," you laughed.

"I'm wounded." Kai replied, deadpan. "No, anyway. I mean Azriel. You came to me after a big fight with Azzy."

You opened your mouth in shock. "I can't believe you still remember that!"

"Well, hard to forget," he said, dryly. "I had never seen you so upset." His expression turned pensive and worried, as if he was sensing the truth in your expression, which had turned from shocked to anxious with one sentence. He was sensing that maybe you weren't letting on exactly how saddened you were regarding the situation with Azriel. Of course, only Feyre and Aiden knew you were with child, and this factor contributed greatly.

"You know, because now you two are doing a lot more than just argue..." Malakai tried to lighten the mood, and for a second it worked. Then he did that stupid thing that mortals do; he made a "kissy face"... and then some.

Your eyes widened, but you had a big grin on your face. "Gods, Malakai! You did not just do that in public!" but your friend just smirked, innocently shrugging his shoulders. You wouldn't stay mad at him anyway. Never could.

The two of you finished your cones in silence.

"Let's walk around for a bit," Kai said, wiping his hands with a napkin.

"Okay, sure."

You and Kai walked behind the bustling marketplace to a lone bench where the two of you used to come all the time. It was your spot.

"I do have something to tell you, though."

"Oh yeah?" Kai looked as if he was trying to guess your news.

You took a breath in to steady yourself. "I'm telling you before most of the others... because I trust you. And I love you, you've always been..." another small inhale. "Maybe you can help me figure out what to do."

Kai swiveled so he was facing you more. "Of course," he smiled. "You know I'd do anything for you."

You smiled gratefully. "You may know that Azriel didn't really leave me on the best terms... Well, uh, he didn't leave me, specifically, you know, but I just mean that we'd argued before he left." You rambled. "A lot, actually. We argued a lot."

Kai put a comforting hand on your arm. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready," he said gently, kindly.

Kai kindness overwhelmed you, but lately it had felt like Feyre was treating you a bit like a broken doll, and she was just waiting for you to finally crack. Being doted on wasn't a bad thing, but it felt suffocating especially now, and you felt Feyre's time was wasted when you realised that only one thing would make you feel better about this situation, you were too much a coward to do. It should've been easy, telling Azriel he was going to be a father. You were good at writing, letters especially. So why couldn't you tell Azriel?

Everything is just more complicated when love is involved.

You cleared your throat. "Sorry. I'm fine. I'm ready to talk about it, I promise."

"Okay," Kai nodded. "No pressure."

"I'mfourteenweekspregnantandAzrieldoesn'tknow." The words spilled out like a waterfall. A small brook, perhaps. All in one motion but in a low whisper. There was no going back now, but it seemed Kai hadn't heard your jumble of words.

"You're... what?"

"Pregnant. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and Az- Azriel doesn't know." you were dangerously close to tears, but you felt a million times better now that you had told someone else.

Kai was silent for a dangerously long time. Then his mouth curved into a small grin. "Wow, y/n. I'm so happy for you!" and then he clarified, upon seeing your slightly startled expression. "I know you've been wanting to start a family for a while now, and you're the most deserving person to have your dream come true." He took a deep breath in. "I'll admit it's difficult that Azriel doesn't know, but you're strong, and we can work through this together."

You had started to cry. "S-sorry, I'm happy too, I- I don't know what to do. I've been k-keeping it from you for so long, and I just don't know what to do." Your voice broke.

"You don't need to apologise, I get it. It's going to be difficult, y/n, but you don't need to do it alone."

"You've kept a pregnancy from Aiden before?" you sniffed.

He smiled softly, wiping a trickling tear. "No, but I know relationships take work. What you and Az are going through is only natural, and you're both the strongest people I know. I see the bond you two have, and it's like no other I've seen." He stretched over the table to wipe away a tear falling down your cheek. "It's beautiful, y/n. I know you, and I know Az. He will support you, and whatever you choose, so will I."

You sniffed again, wiping away more tears. Gods, there were a lot of tears on your face. Kai pulled a large, thick handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to you.

"Aiden makes me carry it around, the massive thing. A real inconvenience. However, I've been told it makes an excellent torniquet." the warrior shrugged.

You managed a laugh. "Thanks."

Kai's expression softened. "Are you happy?"

His question caught you by surprise. "I've been processing these part few weeks. We were fighting because just noticed Azriel got increasingly unenthusiastic about our dates. About me," you felt the lump in your throat as you spilled your heart out. "S-sometimes I feel the b-bond go cold. Since he's been gone I can barely feel it, Malakai. I have to reach oh-so-far for something that should be permanent. Something that should be natural, and easy."

Kai wrapped you up in a hug, and you rested your head on his shoulder.

You took a pause. "But am I happy? I think so. If I can work this out with Az, then I will be. Really happy." You smiled slightly at the thought.

Kai nodded knowingly.

"Looks like you've only gotten wiser with age," you noted, slightly sad. Where'd all the time gone?"

"I guess we've both just gotten busier these past few centuries. You were sorting out your... confusing friendship with Azriel," you let out a laugh at that. Confusing was certaintly one word you could use to describe the relationship you and Az had before mating. Kai continued. "Well, and then you found out you were mates, but I was busy training here while trying to keep my relationship from my parents."

Your smile dropped a little. "But they were at your wedding, are you guys still okay?"

"Thanks for your concern, but we're all good. It's just that when I was younger, I saw how the villagers treated my sister when she confessed to me she favoured females, and word got out. It was a miracle no one blabbed to my parents before she finally told them decades later," he smiled. "I'm lucky my family are so supportive."

"I have a pretty great family too," you squeezed his hand.

The two of you sat in silence for a beat, smiling.

"Wait, before you said '"most" of the others know about your pregnancy. Who else knows?" Kai asked after a moment.

"Well, Madja, obviously, and Feyre and Aiden."

"My Aiden? He kept this from me?" The Lieutenant's eyes looked like they were going to bug out of his head. Aiden was definitely about to receive a stern lecture about how his wedding vows promised no lies.

You laughed. "Well, smart guy, your Aiden is a healer, and I couldn't exactly go visit Madja because Rhys is always there on High Lord business, and Cass occasionally brings his soldiers there for checkups, you know this. Besides, Aiden's clinic is more private, and I like getting priority service," you replied, smug.

Kai sighed, "And here I was thinking that I was the only one getting that service. When you think you know someone." he tutted.

"Well, people surprise you." You couldn't help but bitterly think "Just like my mate did."

"But I know your news before Cass?" When you nodded, he did a celebratory fist pump. "I always knew I was your favourite. $5 for me, baby."

"Don't be silly, I love you Illyrian babies all equally. Wait, you guys bet on me?"

Kai snorted, choosing to ignore your latter comment, but the gleam in his bright blue eyes told you all you needed to know.

You just rolled your eyes. "When do you think I should tell the rest of our friends?"

Kai composed himself as he realised you were jumping back to serious conversation. He cleared his throat, and said, "Well, you want to tell them all together, right?"

When you nodded, he continued. "So, logically, unless you want to tell everyone while they're drunk playing board games, or drunk, dancing at Rita's, I'd say your best bet is at our group dinners, but you know, tell them early, so they're not too drunk." He gave a small smile.

"That's what I was thinking. Gods, when's the next dinner again?"

You counted what day of the week it was in your head. If you guys usually gathered for dinner on Fridays, but the Velaris Night Markets occurred on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays... but Thursdays were when Feyre and Rhys had their meetings (which you remembered Feyre had gone to that afternoon), it would mean that the next family dinner was...

"Tomorrow," Kai finished helpfully. "Friday."

"That's soon," you tried not to sound too panicked.

"Luckily you have me to help you then."

***

The Inner Circle sat around the grand dinner table in the beautifully adorned dining room of the Night Court. The soft glow of candlelight danced on their faces, creating an atmosphere of warmth and camaraderie. Feyre and Rhysand were engaged in a lighthearted banter, their eyes filled with affection, while Mor, Amren, and Cassian laughed along, their spirits high. Nesta had her hand on Cassian's shoulder, and Elain was talking with Nuala. Aiden and Kai were sitting across from you, Kai's eyes trying to meet your own. Tonight would be the big night.

As the conversation lulled, your heart pounded in your chest, your hands clammy with nerves. Taking a deep breath, you gathered your courage, your voice slightly shaky but resolute, and cleared your throat to gain everyone's attention. Feyre's eyes met yours with a flash of concern, then understanding. You sent her an unsure smile and nodded slightly, notifying her that you were ready to share the news with your family.

"I... um, I have something important to share with all of you," you began, your eyes flickering with a mix of vulnerability and determination. You looked towards Kai and Aiden; both of them looked ecstatic, and you could tell Kai was reigning in his emotions. The room fell into an expectant silence as every member of the Inner Circle turned their gaze towards you, their expressions a blend of curiosity and concern.

Your eyes darted around the table, locking with each person's gaze, drawing strength from their unwavering support. You continued, "I'm pregnant."

The room erupted in a cacophony of reactions. Cassian's jaw dropped; a half-chewed bite of food forgotten in his mouth. Rhysand, startled by the unexpected news, coughed and choked on his wine, while Feyre, caught between annoyance and concern, hit his shoulder. She caught your eye and sent you a look that apologised for Rhys' behaviour.

"He doesn't mean it like that!" she mouthed. For the first time in your life, you hoped your expression betrayed your thoughts. "I'm sorry", you were trying to convey. "I love you". Feyre nodded once and smiled, and you knew she understood.

Mor was the first one to say something. She let out an excited gasp, clapping her hands together. "Y/n, that's amazing! You're going to be a wonderful mother," she exclaimed, her eyes shining with genuine joy.

You felt everyone else's eyes on you. Amren had narrowed her eyes, and Varian was looking quite uncomfortable. Oh dear.

You felt a bittersweet mixture of relief and apprehension wash over you as you glanced around the table, searching for comfort amidst the tumultuous sea of emotions. Everyone looked pleased though, it seemed the extra 5 seconds of processing time had done wonders. Even Amren had a slight smile on her face now, and Varian looked less... strange.

Rhys, having gathered himself now, spoke next, a beaming smile on his face. "I'm so happy for you, y/n! You and Azriel deserve this. How'd he take the news?"

You hesitated, your eyes dropping to your plate, tracing the intricate patterns etched onto the fine China. You could feel the glances of Feyre, Aiden and Kai on you.

"I... uh.... haven't told him yet," and then there was silence in the room again.

The weight of your words was sinking in for your friends.

"I don't want to get into it now, and- and ruin our evening," you said, voice shaking slightly. Perhaps you'd already ruined the evening, if the heavy silence was any indication. "But we haven't exactly been on the best terms lately. We were fighting all up until he left, and I- I can barely feel the bond anymore. He hasn't written me back in a month.

With that bomb dropped, you looked up to the ceiling, blinking away tears.

"I'm scared."

Cassian, recovering from his initial shock, reached across the table, placing a comforting hand on your trembling one. "We're here for you, y/n," he reassured you, his voice filled with sincerity and warmth. "And when Az comes back, we'll figure it out together. You won't be alone in this. I can't believe it. You're pregnant." He finished with a joyous laugh.

Aiden chimed in, "We love you, y/n. As long as we're here, you don't have to do anything alone."

"You have the best support system possible; one that has been formed through years of hardship. No bond is stronger than this group bond, y/n." Kai continued. "Your pregnancy will be a beautiful thing."

Nesta spoke up next. "You can count on us for anything, y/n/n. I know you must have concerns, but now you don't have to carry them alone." You sent her a grateful smile, to which she returned.

"It'll fly by, the 10 months. Enjoy the process. Plus, you'll look great with the pregnancy glow." Feyre laughed.

Then Elain cleared her throat - daintily, if that was possible. "I'm happy for you too, y/n. Your child is lucky to have you as a mother, and... I know we're not too close, but you can count on me." She smiled; her cheeks rosy as all the attention turned to her.

You were in shock. That was the most you'd ever heard Elain speak, especially in front of everyone. You reached across the table and lightly put your hand on hers.

Surprisingly, Amren said, "You're in capable hands, y/n. It'll be such a joy having another Nyx around." The table chuckled at her sarcasm, but you knew she meant it with no malice.

"That means more than you could know. Thank you, everyone."

"You know how Azriel is. He may draw back, but he is always there for the ones he loves and trust me when I say you're on the top of his list." Mor said. "I don't know how he'll react to the news,"

Your smile dropped a little. Thanks for the confidence boost, Mor.

"But I know that every relationship has its ups and downs. You've been there for him since the day you arrived, and he's been there for you, too. I can promise you that this experience will only help the two of you grow closer." Mor's words were sincere.

As the Inner Circle rallied around you, offering support, reassurance, and a safe space to share your fears and uncertainties, you felt a flicker of hope ignite within you. Even Varian had bowed his head in respect. In that moment, you realized that you were not alone in your journey. With your loved ones by your side, you knew you had the strength and resilience to face whatever lay ahead. When the time came to reveal the news to Azriel, they would help you navigate the delicate path, giving you the support and courage, you needed.

And so, amidst the clinking of cutlery, the sound of Feyre's exasperated sigh as Cerridwen chased after Nyx (who'd run into the room looking for his mother), and the warm laughter that filled the House of Wind's dining room, you embraced the love and acceptance that you had received, finding solace in the knowledge that no matter the challenges you faced, you would never have to face them alone.

You tugged on the bond once again. Once. Twice.

And then you felt it. A pull from Azriel. Stronger than you'd felt in months.

***

"You guys really didn't have to plan all this," you smiled fondly at your friends, who insisted on throwing you a baby shower. Feyre later told you that she spent almost an hour explaining the mortal concept to Amren and Cassian, the latter thinking it was about hygiene. It had almost been 3 weeks since you told your friends at that fateful dinner, and they had embraced your news with love and kindness, just as Aiden, Feyre and Kai all insisted they would.

"Nonsense, y/n. You deserve the best baby bath achievable." Cassian beamed.

"Shower, Cassian." Feyre reminded him.

"I just showered," Cassian rolled his eyes. Nesta slapped his shoulder, and he quickly stopped his jokes when she gave him a kiss. You suppressed a snicker as you watched her. Cassian looked at her so lovingly, and Nesta, however annoyed she may be, always returned that look with equal fierceness.

You looked to your High Lord and Lady. Rhysand was sitting in a plush armchair, and Feyre was perched on his lap, his hand draped across her waist, fingers fiddling with a loose thread on her cream sweater. Nyx's addition to their family had only made them closer, and you could only pray that your little one could provide the same effect.

It was obvious to a total fool that Varian was irrevocably in love with Amren. His gaze was constantly on her, his eyes soft and longing, as if he knew something everyone else didn't. Amren rarely shared personal stories with the Inner Circle, but maybe she'd told the prince of Adriata something she hadn't yet shared with everyone else. You had a feeling Amren was going to find her eternal happiness with him. After all, he was here casually lounging with the Night Court's elite Inner Circle, wasn't he?

Then you looked to the pile of presents that your closest friends had prepared for you. The pink and blue streamers your friends had pinned around the room. Feyre said she was incorporating another tradition into this baby shower, something called a 'gender reveal', that she said was a celebration where loved ones of the mother gathered so she could make the gender of her child known. The room laughed as Rhys recited some adorable thing Nyx had done that morning, and for a second you were just lost in the haze. These wonderful people had chosen to spend time with you, and all vowed to support you.

The baby shower and gender reveal passed in a blur. It was just a mess of happy memories. You opened and accepted everyone's gifts (even the sharp "toy" Amren had gifted for "teething purposes". Perhaps Azriel would like that one.), and Nuala, Cerridwen and Elain had done an amazing job with the cake, which had either pink or blue frosting inside.

Since you wanted Aiden to keep the gender a secret, you had no idea what colour was in the cake either, and you were equal parts excited yet slightly nervous. If you thought hearing your baby's heartbeat made it real, celebrating this moment with your friends made it unreal. This was truly, really, definitely, happening.

You cut into the cake and it was...

"Pink!" you exclaimed. "Pink! She's a girl!"

Your friends whooped and cheered, Feyre rushed up to hug you, and Cassian immediately bobbed down to your stomach.

"A baby girl! Aw," he cooed. "Uncle Cass is going to spoil you!"

You laughed at Cassian, but he had lifted the mood tremendously. You couldn't believe it. You were having a girl, and you knew she would be perfect.

After the celebrations, Kai came and found you flipping through a photo album. It had detailed most of your and Azriel's relationship, and now there was a chapter all about your pregnancy.

"Thinking about him?" Malakai asked.

You smiled sadly, thinking about the huge milestone you had just celebrated without him. "I can't help it. I miss my mate." and sent another tug down the bond.

This time, it wasn't reciprocated. Something felt different, this time. You almost thought you heard a cry of pain.

***

“You know, maybe it would help to get out of here a little,” Cassian said one day at training. You were in the middle of sparring with him and Nesta, sweat dripping down your face, but you could tell they were going easy since the birth of your daughter only 5 weeks prior.

"Yeah, y/n,” Nesta smiled as she thrusted the dagger upward. "No harm in a holiday, you work so hard."

You stopped, mid-jab into where Cassian's shoulder would've been as you considered the idea. You hadn't left the Night Court for leisure in over three decades, and a small part of you did long to explore the other courts. Back when you and Az still talked of the future, the two of you had dreamed of holidaying in all the seven courts.

>>>>

"Do you ever think of the future?" you asked, playing with your mate's hair. Azriel paused his reading and thought.

He hummed softly, replying, "Of course, one with you."

You smiled, hands resuming their tousling of Azriel's hair, "I think one day I would like to travel. See all the places that the stories told me about when I was younger."

"That sounds perfect," Azriel replied, now fully sitting up and facing you. His book was discarded, and his hands were drifting up and down your arms. "I am content everywhere with you, but I hear the Winter and Summer courts are especially beautiful year-round."

You made a noise of happiness. "How much wine do you think we would need to buy Rhys for him to gift us one of his luxurious holiday homes in the Winter Court?"

Azriel's laugh ricocheted through the empty house, "My darling mate, I bet it's more wine than we can afford."

You laughed softly, "Well, I guess we better start saving. When I mend relations with Spring and Autumn, we must visit all the courts! Oh, just imagine it, Az."

Azriel's eyes softened. "Have I ever told you how much I admire you?"

You tilt your head, "You tell me every day, Az, but I think I admire you more." you said in a whisper, as if it were a secret, but how could it ever be, with a mate like Azriel?

Azriel smiled but shook his head. "Your job is amazing, y/n. Co-ordinating all these alliances, responding to our people's concerns and solving their problems. Velaris would really be nowhere without you."

You blush under Azriel's heated gaze, and say, "Well, someone's got to make the bribe money for Rhys' wine."

Azriel laughed deeply, the sound warming your soul. "Well, good thing I make up for my immense lack of income with other skills."

You watched the corner of Azriel's mouth curl up in a smirk. "Wouldn't you agree, my love? Or would you like a reminder?"

>>>>>>>>

When you named your daughter, you cried.

Cerise. Cerise Beatrice Singer.

Beatrice was your mother's name. A mortal name. She was half fae, as her mother was mortal. The courts gossiped for your entire childhood, from when you were six up until at least seventeen. They didn't even stop when she died. Seventeen was the year where you couldn't take it anymore. The year you finally left your 'family' and fled into the centre of Prythian. You travelled around from court to court for 2 years until one day, you arrived in the Night Court.

The people of your old village called her horrible names. They'd hiss at your mother as she walked across the street, throw all sorts of things at her. They were horrified that a mortal walked the streets of Prythian freely, no matter the fact she had never actually been in the Mortal Lands. No matter the fact she grew up the same as them. No matter the fact that she learnt the same faerie customs in the same faerie schools. No matter the fact that she grew up eating faerie food and wearing faerie-produced clothing.

No matter any of that.

Once, there was a rumour that you heard at school. People were saying your mother used witchcraft to lure herself a man "as great as that scum's father". You hid behind a wall, eavesdropping. The voices were muffled, the pitch all weird, but it was clear they were talking about you. Aiden was there with you. When he saw you were on the verge of tears, he told you to cover your ears and he hugged you tight. But even his hugs were never as tight as your mother's.

You are remembering thinking that you had never heard such foul language coming from 11-year-old children. You had dared a peek into the classroom, and when you saw the towering figures huddled, you realised. It was the teachers. The teachers using slurs and the teachers belittling the one woman who actually cared about you. About everything.

Decades from that day you thought of your past. You thought that, maybe it was true that once, your father had felt love for her. Beatrice bore him 4 children, after all. You knew your mother married him soon after meeting, and when she would brush your hair, back when you were young and the world was simple, she would tell you stories about how he courted her. Oh, how he courted her. Before the age of eight you used to wish for a love story like theirs. But as you grew up, it was plain to see that he felt nothing for her. In the end, one of your father's drunken rages had led to her death, and she died protecting you.

She cared for you when no one else did, in your family. Not your older siblings, and certainly not your father.

When you named your daughter, you cried.

Love and passion. That's what her name meant.

You were going to make sure love was all she felt from her family. Cerise was going to grow up with love. You loved her, your true family loved her, and Azriel would love her. You were sure.

Her raven hair was just like his, her eyes were like his too. Sometimes a piercing green, sometimes a calming brown. Beautiful, just like her father. She had your mouth though; Feyre had told you. When she smiled it was like the sun brightening the sky after a storm, and you had never seen anything better. She loved to laugh, her small eyes crinkling at the corners, her nose twitching. She was beautiful.

Cerise, she had wings. Small, baby Illyrian wings, but wings none the less. Wings like Azriel. Not wings like your father, but wings like Azriel. Majestic and powerful, with the ability to give what you had lacked; freedom.

>>>>>>>>

It had almost been 9 months since you told your friends at that fateful dinner, and they had spared no expense, treating you and Cerise like royalty.

Feyre could tell you were drained from your new motherly duties and said she would be happy to take care of your daughter for as long as you needed, but you had refused her offer.

"Oh no, Feyre, that's so kind," you smiled gratefully at your friend. "It's okay though, I will pick a place suitable for the both of us."

You had picked up Cerise from eager Auntie Mor's that morning and had decided. It was time for a holiday.

Feyre's eyes were scanning your face, waiting to pounce on any sign of hesitation. "Besides," you continued. "You have Nyx to think about!"

Upon hearing her son's name, Feyre beamed. "Yes! Oh y/n, I am so excited to have them grow up together." Her eyes softened. "It may seem hard now, but I know you'll be a great mother."

You reached for your friend and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Feyre. I learn from the best."

When you pulled back Feyre grasped your hands, grinning excitedly. "Now for the fun part. Let's pick a holiday destination; where are we sending you!"

Rhys walked in about an hour after you and Feyre decided to research to find Prythian's best Court for a vacation.

"How about the Day Court?" He suggested. "Helion loves you, and I'm sure both you and your daughter would enjoy the sunshine."

You looked at Feyre who was beaming.

"That sounds perfect."

That's how you ended up holding your daughter, watching as Helion - ever the show-off - had insisted you fly to the Day Court in his finest white carriage, led by the horses with manes of flame. When Rhys had heard about this plan, he just rolled his eyes, telling you that once, he had banned Helion from coming into the Night Court in that carriage, but Helion's loophole was to take you out of the Night Court in it.

"Go easy on the flying, okay? You have a post-partum mother and a baby on board," you said to Helion, only half-joking.

Helion raised one dark eyebrow at you in reply. "Of course. I promise you a mellow ride." He smiled and turned his attention back to his horses. A quick tug on the reigns from Helion, and the three of you were gone.

@ladyescapism 💗💗

edit: I ONLY JUST REALISED I DONT USE READ MORE OMLLLL

edit 2: WEDDING VOWELS LMFAO

[dannystattoo]

august

chapter 1 - "i can see us lost in the memory"

you didn't plan on spending your summer fixing up your family's old cabin, but you also didn't plan on reconnecting with your childhood crush for the summer. based on august by taylor swift

Pairing: Danny Wagner x fem reader

Warnings:  Some language, but that's about it

Spending the summer after your senior year of college helping maintain your grandparents’ cabin was not what you’d anticipated upon graduating. While you wouldn’t say you were ready to tackle job hunting just yet, you would have preferred to have at least been able to stay in the college town with all of your friends for a couple more months. You’d have loved to at least have a last hurrah before you all inevitably moved on to whatever was next. Life had a way of happening though. Your grandfather passed away in the winter and a lot had changed. Your grandma wasn’t able to live on her own, so she had moved in with your family for the time being. Your parents were also trying to figure out what to do with the cabin your grandparents had purchased decades ago. It was your grandpa’s pride and joy, and he would never let anyone sell it even if he’d barely been able to use it in the last few years. The rest of your family, grandma included, couldn’t care less about keeping the property in the family, Since you and your siblings all moved out of the house and didn’t have the opportunity to visit much anymore, they decided it was best to sell the house. However, it needed a lot of TLC before it could go on the market and you’d gotten roped into spending your summer taking care of the property. You cursed yourself for learning so many DIY skills in college when your friends had insisted on renting the shittiest house possible your sophomore year, as well as for being the golden child who couldn’t draw boundaries with your parents no matter how hard you tried. 

…and that was how you found yourself looking around this house, wondering how the hell you were going to have it ready to list by August, in three months. Your dad offered to come up and help when he could on weekends and you did have a list of contractors your grandparents had previously used who could help with the things you weren’t able to do, but you were mostly on your own. You tried to remind yourself that his would give you the opportunity to save up some money since you weren’t paying rent and your family would be paying you for your work on the house. This would also give you time to polish your resume and work on perfecting your design portfolio, hopefully allowing you to move somewhere better than the sleepy midwest town you grew up in or the slightly less sleepy city you went to college in. Your ultimate goal was New York City, but you were aiming for Chicago right now. All things considered, though, the thought of a summer spent more or less by yourself doing a stupid amount of manual labor made the thought of living in the city in cramped apartment with multiple roommates and eating ramen for every meal sound appealing. 

It had probably been about five years since you’d spent any sizable amount of time here, and that was around the same time your family started doing the bare minimum maintenance on the place. They’d also done the bare minimum when it came to cleaning, so you spent the entire morning making one of the bedrooms and one of the bathrooms clean and comfortable enough to get you through the first few days. Once you finished that, you started trying to make a game plan, but you became overwhelmed pretty quickly. Realizing it was nearing one in the afternoon, you decided to drive into town, pick up some fast food and take a break. You weren’t able to find much, but there was a Taco Bell within a reasonable driving distance. You returned home with your Nachos Bell Grande and a massive Baja Blast, hoping that would push you to have a productive evening. It was a beautiful day out, so you took you lunch out to the dock. The gate that led down to the water’s edge was a bit rusted and hard to open, but once you got it, you remembered why you loved coming here so much as a kid. Admittedly, once you looked past the state of the house and the yard, it was gorgeous out here. You were steps away from the lake, which had a tiny private sandy beach at its edge. Trees and plants in full bloom surrounded the lake, and you always loved the glow of the sun off the water. You told yourself that if you got through a clearing the clutter in the rooms you, your siblings, and cousins had shared as kids that day, you’d reward yourself with a glass of wine and a night spent on the patio with your designs. The change in scenery was inspiring you in a way you hadn’t expected. Looking at the nearby houses, you tried to remember all the kids you’d met here over the years. They were all fleeting friendships, lasting for only one week in the summer over the 4th of July and picking up the next year, depending on who returned and when. You’d met these kids well before social media, and you had no idea what happened to any of them after losing contact. You start thinking about them, wondering where life had taken everyone after those golden summers. 

Lost in your thoughts, you didn’t notice that someone had appeared from the cabin next-door and they were walking down towards the water. 

“I had no idea they sold this place,” the voice said as it came up behind you. Startled, you turned around to see a man approaching you. He looked like he was about your age, maybe slightly older. You could tell from his tan skin he probably spent a lot of time outside, giving the impression of someone else who might be spending the summer here. Based on appearances alone, that was something you could get on board with. You couldn’t overlook the fact he was gorgeous - you were immediately drawn to his intense eyes and radiant smile, and the fact his was absolutely ripped didn’t hurt matters.

“Because they didn’t,” you laughed. “Granted, it’s barely been used in at least five years, but yeah, haven’t sold yet.”

“Well that’s good, I always like the people who lived here.”

“You knew them?” you were taken by surprise. 

“Oh yeah, my family owns the place next door. I’m Danny, by the way.”

“Y/N,” you said. The longer you looked at him, you began to think he looked vaguely familiar. “This is gonna sound weird, but we’ve met before haven’t we?”

“You have two older sisters and your family was always here the week of the 4th of July, right?”

“Yeah. You have a younger sister and you were also always here for the 4th of July?” As Dnny confirmed this, it all came flooding back to you. 

He was part of the group of about a dozen of you who lived on this street that you’d just been thinking about. He was, in fact, a few years older than you, but you seemed to remember his younger sister was around your age. You also remembered you’d had a hugely embarrassing crush on Danny that resurfaced every year. God, you’d forgotten about him completely, as it had been ten years since you’d seen him, more since you’d seen him with any sort of regularity at the cabin. You remembered it all with clarity now. 

He was three years older than you, and by the time you were eleven and he was fourteen, he started hanging out with the group less and less. Fair enough, he was a teenager, but it didn’t hurt any less. You’d always thought he was cute and he was the only boy in the group who was always nice to you. Looking back, he treated you like a little sister, but you didn’t see it that way then. You remembered the summer you were twelve and he was fifteen when he and another one of the older girls in the group stopped hanging out with you as frequently, only showing up at events where the entire family was present. You’d been devastated when you’d accidentally stumbled upon them making out in her room at a barbecue you’d all been at. By the next summer, you were convinced that because you were thirteen and a full fledged teenager, he’d finally be interested in you. Much to your dismay, he hadn’t even come up north that year, opting to stay home in order to spend more with his friends instead. It was only a couple more years before you stopped spending long stints there in the summer. You realized how much you’d forgotten about your time here.

“So what brings you back?” Danny’s question brought you back from your nostalgia. 

“Well, my grandpa passed away over the winter -“ 

“Oh shit, i’m sorry.”

“Thank you. It wasn’t unexpected, but still. Anyway, my family is actually planning to sell now and I somehow got roped into coming out here for the summer to fix it up and get it ready to put on the market. You live in one shitty house that forces you to learn handy skills and they use it against your for the rest of your life,” you laughed.

“What, by yourself?”

“Not entirely, my dad is coming up to help me out when he can and we will need to hire people to do some of the more complicated projects. But yeah, mostly.” You were kicking yourself the moment you said it. Way to go, Y/N, you thought to yourself. You don’t know the first thing about this guy anymore and he could be a crazed serial killer for all you knew. 

“Anyway, I could ask you the same thing,” you shifted the attention back to him.

“Honestly, I don’t know. Getting away, I guess? I’ve been so stuck with work lately and I thought a change of scenery might be good. Don’t ask why my first inclination was to come here, but it was.”

“By yourself?”

“For now. Three of my friends, more like my brothers actually, are planning to come up in a few weeks and spend most of the summer. They may be going back and forth between here and home a bit more than me though.”

“Where do you live?”

“Nashville.” 

“That’s so cool, I unfortunately didn’t get to go far for college and I was so lucky to move back to my hometown in Michigan after graduation. I’m hoping to save up some money over the summer so I can start looking to move. Enough about me, what is it you do for work?” You were intrigued when he said he was “uninspired”, wondering if he did something creative too.

“Uh, musician,” he said running  his hand through his dark curls. You could tell he assumed you’d react a certain way.

“No shit, that’s sick! What kind of music?”

“I’m in a rock band, drummer. I know it probably sounds kind of lame, but we’ve actually released a few single, and EP, and we just got a contract for our first full record. As exciting as all of that is, I’m having a hell of a time getting anything written to contribute to it. Decided I’d come here for a little bit first by myself, and then the guys are gonna join me in a couple weeks. I thought maybe getting out of the city would help. Plus the lease on my place was up last week and the house I’m set to move into isn’t available September 1st.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s lame at all. I’m trying to break into design, so I kind of get it.”

“Oh really, what kind?”

“My dream would be fashion, it was my main area of focus in school, but I’ve also been building by graphic design portfolio to have something more ‘practical’, as my parents would say.”

“I get that, I’m sure you can imagine my parents were just thrilled when I said I had no desire to go to college right after graduating high school.”

“Sounds like you’re doing great anyway,” you shrugged. You guys talked comfortably for quite a bit longer, catching up on the past ten years. It was nice to have found a friend so early on, at least you hoped you’d found a friend. Danny was so easy to talk to and you felt an effortless connection, even if you hadn’t seen him in a literal decade. Eventually, you picked up your phone, sitting abandoned on the table, and you didn’t like the time.

“Oh god, how is it already three? I’m so sorry, but I should probably go, I have so much work to do,”

“Honey, you have all summer,” Danny said. You wouldn’t admit that your stomach flipped when he called you that. Fuck, were you attracted to him now, still? 

“You’re right, but you have no idea how much I have to do.”

“Can I help with anything? I know I didn’t come here for home renovation projects, but you could persuade me, I think.” 

“I would actually really appreciate that, if only for the company. Tell you what, my main goal for the day was to start cleaning out some of the bedrooms, if you’d want to help? When we make some good progress, maybe we can grab dinner? Like I said, even if it’s just for the company and an accountability buddy.”

“I’d love that. Honestly, I’ve only been here like two days and I’m going insane in my own company. I was so hung up on the idea of taking a solitary trip to work that I forgot I’m an extrovert.” You smiled at him, grabbed your Taco Bell remains, and led him into the house.

“Not to be rude, but you weren’t kidding,” Danny said, looking around the house. 

 “Yeah, it’s so, so bad. We’ve hardly been up here since like, 2017, what with life and school and work, and that was around the time my grandparents weren’t able to come up here by themselves anymore. I think my parents did just enough maintenance so that the neighbors wouldn’t lose their minds.” 

“Gives me an excuse to offer my services around here a lot then?” 

“I think that sounds perfect,” you smiled, leading Danny to the bedroom you and your sisters shared years ago. Before you could stop yourself, you caught yourself thinking that you’d love to be taking him back to your room under much different circumstances. You couldn’t believe that you were down bad for this guy yet again, hours after seeing him for the first time in a decade.

To be continued

[nobodyimportant41]

Bo Burnham's legacy challenge

(God, wth im writing)

Ehm- yeah...i was looking inspo for another legacy challenge on my spotify when i realized that i basically only hear Argentinan or Uruguayan music...and i'm pretty sure that here not many people known them- So i decided to go for Bo's songs!

And yeah, if you for some reason think about it, it was also inspired by "Perspective of god" ("you're not my children, you're a bad game of sims")

WARNING:

If you heard Bo's songs, you will know that there are some "spicy" or not kid friendly topics, so, if you're under 18 or sensitive, you may not read this one.

General rules:

Heirs don't have to ressemble their song with their name, but you can do it if you want

No cheats unless it for storytelling purposes

You can play in any lifespan, but i recommend playing it in normal

The order of the generations is for storytelling purposes, not their release order

If you don't have a certain pack, you can change some goals for the most similar

Packs:

Ep: Be famous (gen 1,2,7 and 8), Highschool years (gen 2), Cats and dogs (gen 6), City living (gen 7 and 10/2), Get together (gen 7), Snowy escape (gen 10/1)

Gp:Parenthood (gen 3)

Sp: Movie night stuff (gen 8), paranormal (gen 5)

Gen 1; Repeat stuff:

Story:You were always good looking,so, you grew up without problems since everything was made from others for you! But, as an adult you realize that because you didn't did anything, you don't KNOW anything... so you decide to go for a singer way! The only thing that matters is that your hot, right?

Traits:

Self centred

Lazy

Music lover

Goals:

Complete the musical genius aspiration

Max the entertainment career (musician branch)

Max the piano and singing skills

Leave someone at the altar

Record at least 5 romantic songs

Woohoo with the grim reaper at least once

Gen 2; white woman's instagram:

Story: Being the kid of one of the most famous singers in the simnation, OF COURSE that you wanted to follow that path of having a "perfect life!" After all, the only hard part will be convince your spouse to take some selfies with you...

Traits:

Self centred

Mean

High mantience

Goals:

Complete the world famous celebrity aspiration

Become a simfluencer

Max the photography and charisma skills

Marry someone you hate

Use social media at least once a day

Gen 3; 1985:

Story:Your parents didn't loved eachother, but your parent's (gen 2) followers thought the exact opposite. Thats why you always preferred your other parent since they were a lot more honest; maybe too much..

As a young adult, your biggest dream is having kids and mostly, educate them!

Traits:

Family oriented

Perfeccionist

Neat

Goals:

Complete the super parent aspiration

Max the parenting and cooking skill

Be a stay at home parent

Have at least 3 kids and became friends with all of them

Only use the strict options to disipline your kids

Gen 4; Lower your expectations:

Story: Your parent always told you that you weren't able to date until they passed away which were very tragic news for you; How are you getting married with that?! At least when you were a kid, you had to only conform with writing romance books... but as a rebelious teen, you thought of dating your crush, it was only a little secret that will never be revealed, right?...

Traits:

Romantic

Creative

High maintenance

Goals:

Complete the soulmate aspiration

Max the charisma and writing skills

Work as a freelance writer

Have at least 5 partners, but break up with all of them, since they aren't perfect like you would like

Get married and see your first spouse die

Marry your soulmate as an elder

Gen 5;K!ll yours3lf:

Story: Your parent always told you about how "bad" their partners were, so you started thinking that people were cruel by nature (except for you, or at least that was what you said) so you started reading about occults and you REALLY liked it! You even decided that, for when you were an adult, you will EVEN interact with people! Not because you liked them, but because you wanted to ghosthunt in people's houses!

Traits:

Loner

Mean

Erratic

Goals:

Complete the master of mischief aspiration

Max the paranormal and mischief skills

Work as a paranormal investigator

Live your whole life in a haunted house

Your only friend AND spouse must be a ghost

Live as a ghost after passing away

Gen 6; Poems:

Story: Since you were a young kid you knew your social life was quite dead since you were born because, well...one of your parents is a ghost and the other one is a freak who LOVES ghost... yeah..you knew that having friends was way too hard so you didn't even tried it; all you needed was a dog and a computer to write your... VERY original poems...

Traits:

Socially akward

Dog lover

Slob

Goals:

Complete the best seller author aspiration

Max the writing and pet training skills

Max the writer career (any branch)

When you unlock the option, ONLY write poems

Have at least two dogs

Gen 7; Welcome to the internet:

Story: You knew that you were considered a weird one, but, unlike your parent, you REALLY WANTED to be famous, so you decided that, as soon as you were able to, create a simtube account and upload your FANTASTIC vlogs about your amazing life and someday, show your classmates that you were an spectacular and perfect sim!

Traits:

Self centred

Outgoing

Goofball

Goals:

Complete the leader of the pack aspiration

Max the tech guru career (Esports player branch)

Max the video making and charisma skills

Have a celebrity club

Become at least a three stars celebrity

When you moved out of your house, never talk with your parent/s never again

Gen 8; Microwave popcorn:

Story: When you were a kid, you spend most of your time watching movies with popcorn in your hands. You couldn't help it but love it! After all, cooking and mostly acting were two thing that you loved!

As an adult, you could finally enter the acting career! It was thanks to your parents fame.. but you still wanted to become the next Judith Ward!

Traits:

Glutton

Ambicious

Slob

Goals:

Complete the master actor/actress aspiration

Max the acting career

Max the singing and acting skills

Gain the junk food lifestyle

Win at least three awards for your job

Gen 9; Whats funny:

(This is quite inspired by the pink gen of the Not so Berry challenge, so this gen is not 100% original!)

Story: You grew up in a quite conservative household, so you wanted to get married to a nice person and have beautiful children; you didn't cared about your job, you could work in a simple 9-5 office work to maintain them! Except, EVERYTHING went wrong, you ended up fighting everyday with your spouse, your kids were ungrateful and only cared about their partners and you didn't even cared anymore for your job, maybe you could try pursue your dream?

Traits:

Family oriented

Perfeccionist

Goofball

Goals:

Complete the jokestar aspiration

Work in the bussiness career but quit it after having your midlife crisis and then max the entertainment career (comedian branch)

Max the comedy skill

Get married and have twins

Max your relationship both of your kids

Gen 10; Left brain, Right brain:

Ok, to make this challenge more "special" i decided to do something quite weird; there are two "branches" of the last gen, in other words; you can choose if you want to play with the left brain or the right brain! (Or both, if you hate yourself)

Gen 10/1; Left brain:

Story: You always thought that your twin was quite a dumb one; they just wanted to play and watch hot people on tv all day! You wanted to be one in life, but there was so many things you wanted to do...but you will fight to have a family and a great job! You decided to move to Mt. Komorebi for your job; a salary person! Since you will LOVE to become a CEO! and also karaoke nights...

Traits:

Perfeccionist

Materialist

Genius

Goals:

Complete the fabulously wealthy aspiration

Max the salary person career

Max the singing and logic skills

Have at least one kid with all the positive character values

Marry someone in the following careers: Salary person, politician or business career

Gen 10/2;Right brain:

Story: You always thought that your twin was super cool! You didn't share much with them, but you admire how smart they were and mostly, they knew what they wanted while you...ehm...you only knew you wanted to become everybody's friend, but you didn't even know what you were going to work as...but you will figure it out!

Traits:

Childish

Romantic

Art lover

Goals:

Complete the city native aspiration

Work selling your paintings at home until becoming an adult and max the painter career (any branch)

Max the painting and charisma skills

Have max relationship with at least 5 persons (excluding your family) and become best friends with your twin

Have twins...twice

[practically-an-x-man]

your OCs are invited/challenged to do something like Naked & Afraid: who agrees? what would it take for any of the others to agree?

Ooooh, interesting! Thank you!

Rae: On the one hand, she's always down for a new adventure and there's very few things she wouldn't try at least once. On the other hand, she doesn't have much survival training and wouldn't be thrilled about having her uncovered body just broadcast on television, so I really can't tell with her. It really depends on the timing of it and how she feels about it.

Robin: Pass. Really not her thing. She's never been much of a wilderness person, there's a lot of risk just... for fun? Without much real gain? She'd do her best with wilderness survival if it really mattered, like for her genuine safety or survival, but I can't see her signing up just for fun. She has opera rehearsals to get to!

Madison: Wilderness survival is kind of her thing, and the premise of the challenge would absolutely intrigue her. She's not thrilled about the "naked" part, especially since the premise of the show is that your survival partner is a stranger (I think she'd be more likely to sign up for Alone than Naked & Afraid), but I could definitely see her enjoying a challenge like that. Hell, she lived like that for five years!

Ophelia: Absolutely not. She's always been a city girl, she'd hate to be without technology for longer than a few days, and that's not even accounting for her bad knee and the challenges that would prove. I could see her researching some survival tips just in case, but she's definitely not signing up for the show.

Gia: Absolutely not. You think the girl who can barely leave her home due to intense unresolved anxiety issues is going to spend three weeks in the middle of nowhere without even clothes to wear? She'd probably laugh in your face if you suggested it, but she wouldn't want to be rude.

Jasper: Hm... another tough one. They grew up out in the bayou (the boonies, as they'd say) and have been camping a few good times, so brushing up on those survival skills wouldn't take too much, but... the whole "naked and afraid" concept wouldn't be great for their dysphoria, especially on camera, and they'd rather be back at their warm, cozy apartment with Kyle and their pets

Kestrel: Oh, in a heartbeat. Like Madison, wilderness survival is a big tenet to who they are and they'd excel at the challenge. Really, the hardest part would just be remembering not to shapeshift or use magic on camera.

Katherine: Eh, no thanks. It's an interesting premise, but really not within her interests or capabilities. She wouldn't mind trying out for some game show or other TV show, but it wouldn't be a survival show

Quinn: Nope. Similar to Ophelia's, really - the combination of living her whole life in an urban setting and just physically not being fit for a hardcore survival situation like that.

Eris: Sure, why not? It's been a while since they've been in the thick of true wilderness survival, but he won't shy away from a good challenge (and you know she wouldn't be at all self-conscious about the "naked" part lol). Honestly, I could see him trying to get Rick in on it too, like Eris' weird idea of a couple's retreat lmao

Nikoletta: Hard pass. She's never been a wilderness kind of person, she has no interest in learning, and especially not now. She's finally at the point in her life where she is comfortable and safe, why would she give that up just for some gimmicky show? No thanks. She'd rather be safe at home, cuddled up with Abner and the cats.

Jimmy: Disqualified for being a ghost, there's no point.

Vivienne: Disqualified bc TV doesn't exist in her time.

Spider: Pre-apocalypse, I think he'd probably go for it, honestly. He enjoys trying new things, and this seems like a neat opportunity. He'd struggle to be surrounded by so many unique sounds and not have his tape recorder, and he'd definitely need to do some wilderness survival training before he signed up, but I could see him giving it a go.

[jestre]

As much as I love details, this would be a very long story to say what led to this, but the main thing is that I grew up not fitting into gender roles at all during my life, but I was told to accept the role (gender) I was born as. While it that led to denying myself from accepting what others didn't want me to be, I always about gender equality. As a kid, when it came down to anyone taking issue about clothing gender labels, I would say it's just different fabric or if you changed some things, it can be more gender neutral.

No matter what, I was afraid for so long to accept the possibility I could be transgender because a lifetime of poor judgement family or friends I had to educate on such issues. Subconsciously, I felt like it would be like getting crushed in a cave-in with any way out closed off to me because I would be an educator and a target for those I would try to teach to be better.

Some years ago, I have myself a chance finally to start exploring by openly identifying as non-binary for the duration. In the past several months, the feeling of "hating being [Zach]" came to a head, intensely. As many times as I would say "I wish I could look like her, I wish I could wear those types of clothes," I also hated the idea of being a guy or associated with them. "Because that's my gender role where I have to fit in."

I've been able to make friends on all ends of the gender spectrum and learn from them. Lots of observing, not much doing for myself because I would always put others first so they won't hate me in the end.

I have excellent friends and those who are transitioning/transitioned have been a major support while I started quietly opening up about this. I never wanted to ask if they thought I was trans because I needed to be the one to answer that question. Closest I asked was whether I act more feminine or masculine, and I'm right in the middle. XD

Last month, one of my close friends @jitterbugjive brought up that I should really see "I Saw The TV Glow" when I was really going back and forth with myself over what gender I was because I clearly felt like I had very few guy mannerisms that make up a brotherhood of guys feeling. I was just observing and improving my mask to be a funny guy with a lot of issues.

Once the mental lock about how I feared my gender had broken, I dropped into a depression that's been going for a few weeks now because the realization that I'm transgender turned my memories and feelings upside-down. Frow long it took to get there and hiding everything until then, I felt like the last horse to pass the line and would look like I'm copying transgender friends.

I finally see "I Saw The TV Glow" with Jitty/BDR because he offered when I felt like I was at the bottom with no direction. It's a very strong movie on how the trans experience feels. It brought back so many memories in my life that paralleled almost every major moment somewhere in the movie. As it went on, it felt like everything I ever felt and went through growing up because gender didn't matter to me and if I had to compare, I preferred hanging out with the girls because I shared a similar nature and loved to do more things with them than the constant action, sports, gaming, and loudness of boys. I even remember sneaking hanging out with a girl instead of the boy who lived nearby each other when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure my mom made me lose both of them as friends. They were both nice but something got between all of us when we had to lie about a boy and girl being together. "Oh no."

In that movie, I had a memory for almost every single scene and I didn't know if I felt seen or hollow. I felt like I had fucked up what I was right about in the first place and now I miss blurry friends I can barely remember over a 90s parent being a shit parent when it came to who I should hang out with and this lasted well into my early 20s.

I felt finally truly seen as I who I was before I was broken to obeying my gender at birth. It's like I want to change all those memories to what could have been if I was "stronger." It leaves me feeling so sad about how many times I had to be fake to fit in because it was all I knew or I would be punished by my parents. It makes me want to cry because everything I felt I went through was on display in a movie like the movie I saw.

The masks I wore became who I was as Zach and I knew it. Everyone could always see how awkward I was and I would constantly fix the mask to feel like I finally fit into conversations without feeling like someone who would never sync up to the words in a song. I never knew I could miss a life I could have had if I chose to stay on the feminine route. It's a "what have I done" guilty feeling, and I miss those I can hardly remember because of it. I could have made so many different choices. I am so sorry to them, and I would change so much if it meant I could have been happy from childhood on, and not childhood no further. I hope I can see those friends again somehow, and if not, hopefully in the afterlife. You are missed. It's not all my fault.

Old memories I never thought would get loosely reconnected, only to see when I had to cry my way into being Zach after being scolded after I knew gender doesn't block friendship and that I didn't want to be a boy. Zachary is who I was raised to be with a patchwork personality and good morals, not who I truly wanted to be from the start. He became a metaphorically glued on mask and I knew that, but I never got to know what was behind the mask before I was forced take it by society's hand.

Everything up to point as Zach has kept me and friends alive and if fate had it that way, it needed to be done. I could keep Zachary as a hyphenated middle name with my current middle name, Lee.

To find the old and new, I accept what led to this point and I'm grateful to all of those I've known through this point in time. I need to let Zachary have his rest from everything he put in by needing him as my self. Talking in 3rd person may look silly here, but it's because the amount of masking may as well have been a dissociative identity just to act normal.

For a while, I have been considering if I came out as male to female, that I would continue with the name I enjoy with my online name, Jestre. That same mentioned friend linked about pretty much helped solidify the name that feels most right being, Jessie. (I was considering Jessy because that was the normal nickname, but ultimately I had to stop stopping myself out of self acceptance to find authenticity I could never nail down.)

There's a lot more to this, but this is what I felt needed to be said to finally find myself and explain feeling body dysmorphia. If this means I can feel natural and not rapidly switch to a defense, I will finally know who I was meant to be. Now to allow myself a new, formal introduction.

Hi, I'm Jessie. I'm transgender, male to female. I'm quiet but I share love a lot.

[ebblogs]

Photographer's Eye: The Joys in My Life

Photographs are very important to capture memories in this time period. Photographs are memories and feelings frozen in time. When someone looks at a picture they have captured, those memories and emotions from that exact time start flowing back. The theme I have chosen for this topic is a few things that bring joy into my life. I have now realized that most of the things that bring me joy are those I have been experiencing and loving since I was a child. The photos below consist of things my family and I enjoy doing in our free time, along with some furry family members I can trust to bring joy into my day.

Pets:

No matter what part of my life I am talking about, I have always had a pet. My pets are a big part of my life and are considered family to everyone. I have a cat that is 16 years old, along with two dogs who are 8 and 10. Before my current dogs, I had a dog in the family before I was born. It lived up to 16 years old and sadly passed away when I was 7. The point of this section is every single one of my pets throughout my life has always been able to produce joy in my life. I tend to take pictures of them when I think they look cute or silly.

Disney:

For as long as I can remember, my family and I have been going to Disney. My parents joined the Disney Vacation Club before I was born in 1999, when it was “cheaper.” When I lived in New York, we would come down to Florida and visit Disney once a year. Now that we live in Florida, we visit two to three times a year. I love going to all the parks and riding all my favorite rides. I used to love meeting the characters and getting their signatures when I was younger, but we don’t do that much anymore. We meet friends and family there too.

New York Yankees:

My family has been a Yankees fan for my whole life. I remember walking into the house, playing outside with my friends any day with a game from spring to fall, and seeing a Yankee game on. We went to several games when we lived in New York and plan on seeing a World Series game if they end up making it. I’ve been to games on my birthday and even on holidays. They are my favorite team throughout any sport, and whenever the baseball season starts, it is a very exciting time in the family.

Video Games:

I was born into a family that enjoys video games. I have been playing video games for as long as I can remember and loved watching my brother and dad play video games. When I was a kid, we had the original Xbox, Wii, Xbox 360, DS Lite, and this console called the V.Smile consisted of video games but was more like an educational video game console for kids. As I was growing up, my brother got the PlayStation 4, and I got the Xbox One. Now I have a PC, a Nintendo Switch, and a PS5. I continue to play video games; they are how I keep in touch with many of my friends back home in New York. A lot of my favorite memories consist of having video games in them.

New York, Hometown, and Childhood Home:

Last but not least, everything in New York, my hometown, and my childhood home. I grew up about 20 minutes away from New York City WITH NO traffic, which was very rare, 45 minutes to an hour away realistically. I moved away when I was 15. It was all I've ever known where all my friends and family are. So many unforgettable memories were made that I could never forget. I last visited New York for the first time in three years in June for my friend's graduation at my old high school. The pictures shown below are some pictures I took while driving to my hometown, such as the city skyline and the highway sign stating my hometown. The photo on the bottom left is of my childhood home on moving day, so it may look a little dull, but so many memories that were made there. My family lived in that house for 21 years.

(I took all of these photos)

[wobster109]

Thoughts on Parade of Providence day 3—

Kaveh

"I've heard enough. The last thing I need is more suffering."

What a moment! For Kaveh, who could never look away from anyone's suffering, who made every person's (and some creatures') suffering his own, to refuse it! This was a crucial character moment for him—all the rest of it (helping the foxes, insisting on drawing lots, donating the estate)—the rest of it was all Kaveh. Smashing the diadem, on the other hand. . . he's found his limit, perhaps for the first time. . . and he found it in himself to hold it. 🥺😭🥰

I love that he was as respectful of Sachin as he could be, despite everything. He wouldn't just take his estate for himself and ignore Sachin's wishes. And, in the end, what got Sachin (and his own father) was caring for people. I love that he used Sachin's own money to help people. . . doing what research could not, in a way. It may not have been the perfect solution Sachin was searching for, but it was something, no?

Alhaitham's Quote

"Lofty ideals may provide no defense at all against nihilism, but perhaps little decisions can. By their own choice, the idealist seeks to bring happiness to all, while denying themselves the same. Thus they shall never reach even the borders of truth until they wipe away the ignorance that blinds them."

This quote confused me a bunch. The first part seems to be approving of Kaveh, in a roundabout way: little decisions like helping the foxes, or buying a keychain, or drawing lots just because it's fair. Yet the second part seems like a critique: is he saying Kaveh shall never find truth unless he wipes away his ignorance?

On a second reading, I believe this quote is contrasting Kaveh and Sachin. Sachin is the idealist, who tried to bring happiness to all, and lost himself to despair. On the other hand, if each of us does a bit to be kind, and to help each other. . . we may stave off our slide from bad to worse.

A Tale of Two Fathers

"Whatever it is that he's researching out there, he'll always be garbage in my eyes."

I winced every time Sachin called Kaveh "my child". You HAD a child. You left him.

Kaveh's father had a child, and Kaveh's father left him.

Idealists (derogatory)! Your journey to save people began by leaving someone behind. And yet I can't be mad: Kaveh's father did make a difference. Sachin's research. . . though it cause a lot of grief, it made a difference in the end. It sent the desert people Kaveh's father, which changed who Kaveh grew to become, until he came to command and donate Sachin's estate. They ended up making a difference in the end, so I can't be mad.

And neither can Kaveh. That's the difference between him and Jiwani, who grew bitter and angry. Kaveh has grief, but never bitterness towards others.

Rishti

"To live a better life, my son became a mercenary. He was killed in a scuffle a few years ago, and his belongings were taken. Many years have passed in the blink of an eye. I wonder how his child turned out, and if they hold a grudge against him? Not many people know these things anymore. I'm getting old. Perhaps, I'll forget these things soon, too."

Good god. Archons above.

This is one of those conversations that just sneaks up on you. You're chatting with Rishti, about this bizarre and fantastical situation of a man Coming Back Wrong after coming into contact with a scrap of a dead guy's consciousness trapped in a horcrux diadem, and then. . . suddenly Rishti hits you with something so damn real.

She says it so quietly. Matter-of-factly. It's just a fact of her life, just the fabric of the universe. Nothing to rage against or bemoan. It takes a few seconds for what she has said to sink in.

I interpret this as the game giving us a glimpse into Sachin's research and the memories in his diadem. Such a quiet, profound grief, all the more heartbreaking because of how mundane it seems.

The second part of the grief is the forgetting. Rishti is an old woman, stooped and forgetful. After she is gone, who will remember her mercenary son? Will there be any trace of him left upon the world? The Aranara always say that the forest will remember, to the extent that their very power comes from stories. And in another nation, Zhongli says that the Traveler will bear witness to Teyvat's history. And in a third nation, an adventurer takes on a friend's name, and an archon takes on a friend's shape.

I know about him now, Rishti. I'll remember your son!

(I would love if finding Kaveh's father's note became a commission, either daily or weekly, someday!)

Alhaitham

Nearly had a heart attack when I wandered into Aaru village, and there he was, just casually reading the research that drove Sachin and Kaveh's father to madness. That's risky! And reckless! He has a lot of confidence in himself to be different from Sachin. And perhaps he's right to be confident, but. . . it's a pointless risk. Alhaitham isn't even interested in the research! Kaveh's lost too many people already 😭

In many ways he is Kaveh's opposite, but in this. . . he has a bit of Kaveh's recklessness.

Alhaitham! Every line of his is so loaded with meaning! I was reading each of his lines several times, to try to extract the meaning of it. "Empathy is a double-edged sword," and "All important things in life involve other people. As such, it's extremely difficult to live a life that causes no harm whatsoever to others," and "the world is not built on "correctness" alone. Sometimes, being correct means nothing at all" 😭 Can't help but feel that he's trying to say something very, very essential. I could listen to him talk for hours.

That Conversation and the Fate of Humanity

Of course Alhaitham can't possibly give a straight answer to any of Kaveh's questions, ever, and certainly not "Why were you investigating Sachin when his research doesn't interest you?" Can't just simply say "to find out about your father" like a reasonable person, noooo! Instead we have to get sidetracked and have a debate about the value of Sachin's legacy, and then later he casually throws in "Sachin. . . is very likely to have met your father" like it's unrelated.

FUCK OFF, ALHAITHAM! JUST COME CLEAN AND TELL KAVEH YOU DID IT FOR HIM!

Kaveh is exactly the same. He has to get sidetracked and have another debate about. . . I'm not entirely sure what this one is about. The fate of humanity? Alhaitham says "Someone else will inevitably pick up the same line of research one day," and I believe this means that eventually someone will choose wrong, and will instead publish the research where it will drive swaths of people into depression. After all, the topic is sure to come back again and again.

It reminds me of the Narukami Island and Vanarana quests, actually. Sachin's research is a bit like the filth that accumulates over 60 years, or the Marana (the awareness of death?) that accumulates over 500: nothing can be solved for forever. Eventually, the battle begins anew, and all we can do is hope, and take up arms when the time calls. Sometimes that means fighting the Withering. Other times? Extending your hand to a classmate or a lost fox, even if it's tiny in the grand scheme. Even if it's futile. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

And if there comes a day when Sachin's prophecy comes true: the battle is lost, "things go from bad to worse". . . The forest will remember. We were here. Our stories were real.

"Thanks for letting me know all this." In typical Kaveh form, he says it from a safe distance after the fact, and doesn't even mention what "this" is. Thank you for letting me know that Sachin is to blame for what happened to my father, and it wasn't what I said. You're welcome, Kaveh! (In this way they are so much alike 🥰)

I think that Alhaitham's little personal quest to find answers for Kaveh. . . it's one of the little decisions that fights against nihilism.

Kaveh (Reprise)

A few loose closing thoughts:

I knew he wasn't athletic on day 1 when he nearly went into cardiac arrest climbing a tree 🥺 He's very *pant pant wheeze* it's very endearing.

How is everyone just standing around while Sachin's Horcrux tries to take over his mind? Come on, Alhaitham! Go to him!

Kaveh talks about Alhaitham a lot. Everyone at the table comments on it, it's very sweet! Rent-free in our hearts, indeed.

In closing, I found this to be so charming:

Hah, a Haravatat taking something that didn't belong to him! Immediately, I thought of Kaveh's house keys. Was delighted to find that was the actual answer!

[reality-warp]

Zuzana | Asmodeus Tiefling | Ranger | Chaotic Good

“I did what I had to keep us all alive. If you’re expecting an apology for that, you’ll be waiting until Avernus sprouts daffodils.”

Zuzana is probably one of my favourite DnD characters I’ve ever played as. I originally made her for a Decent into Avernus campaign, and now I can’t wait to play as her again when BG3 comes out in just a few days. 

I’ve added her (slightly long) backstory summary below, partly for my own amusement, but also since everyone else on the hype train seems to be sharing too:

Pale Huntress

Zuzana (affectionately called Zana by her few friends and family) was born the elder of a set of twins, her brother Zane being born just five minutes after her to a human farmer and his tiefling wife. They grew up pretty humble, rarely going beyond the boundaries of their family’s orchards, paddocks and the surrounding forests. As a result (plus their infernal heritage) the twins didn’t have too many friends and were damned near inseparable as kids. Zane grew up to be accomplished with caring for and riding the horses their family bred, while Zana became a dab hand with a bow and arrow – learning to fend off wolves and livestock rustlers alongside her father, as well as hunt for game when harvests were bad.

The twin’s mother passed away when they were in their teens, and after a few hard winters following her death, the family began to struggle to keep food on the table. During one of these harsh winters, while out hunting the twins stumbled on a caravan of merchants passing their farm being attacked by a starving wolf pack. Between them they managed to fight the wolves off, and offered shelter at their home to the ones injured in the fight. One of the injured men — a red dragonborn called Ferrovax Ironhide — turned out to be an mercenary associated with a guild in Baldur’s Gate. After seeing the twins fight together, he told his father than he saw a lot of potential in them, and offered to take them with him — promising to sponsor and mentor them, as their potential was wasted out on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Despite not wanting to leave their father, the twins were interested by the idea, and were eventually convinced to accept by their father — who realized that, despite not wanting to lose them, his children were being offered the chance at a better life. So hesitantly, both Zana and Zane accepted, promising to come visit as soon as they were able to. They left with Ferrovax after he had recovered fully, and made the journey to Baldur’s Gate with him. What they didn’t learn until they got there and began their training, was that while Ferrovax was indeed a mercenary associated with a guild — but the guild in question was actually an underground gladiator stable who’s participants fought in Zhentarim fighting pits. And because the twins were unable to read their “contracts” properly, they had no idea until they’d signed them that they’d been tricked into indenturing themselves to Ferrovax for the cost of their “training and upkeep”, effectively making them his property until they paid it off. 

For almost three years they were made to fight in a variety of underground fighting pits, sometimes against monsters, sometimes against other gladiators, but they were always entered as a pair fighting alongside each other. They became relatively well known as a “matching set” referred to as “The Pale Twins”, but according to Ferrovax the “cost of their upkeep” just kept going up, no matter how much money they managed to make fighting in the pits. Eventually the twins realized that Ferrovax was never going to allow them to pay off their indenture as they were too valuable to him now — he’d just keep finding ways to push the debt up until they eventually died fighting in the pits. So they, along with a few other indentures in the same impossible position, planned a mass escape. WIth the help of one of the spellcasters in the stables they managed to escape their cells one night, find and destroy their contracts, then made a run for it.

Unfortunately just as they were making their way out, they were spotted and chased down. Zana managed to make it out, but Zane was caught and subdued – but not before shouting at her to keep running and save herself. With no other choice, Zana was forced to reluctantly leave her brother behind and flee.

For several long months she could only run and hide as pack after pack of bounty hunters was sent after her. She was forced to hide out in the wilds, and by the time they started to give up the hunt and she was able to sneak back into the city, she’d completely lost track of where Zane was. Only after a year after her escape did she finally hear rumors that Ferrovax had been forced to sell Zane’s indenture since he was no longer as profitable in the arena without his “matched set” sister. She spent months trying to track Ferrovax down, and when she finally did, she discovered that the loss of so many of his gladiators had cripled him financially. He’d been reduced to begging on the streets of the Outer City, and when Zana confronted him about what happened to her brother, he admitted that he had indeed sold Zane to a Zhentarim slaver in the city of Elturel…

Just a week before it fell into Avernus.

Decent Into Avernus

Desperate to rescue her brother from hell, Zana found and immediately joined up with a small group of other adventurers – a goliath barbarian called Kharv, a half-elf wild magic sorcerer called Elias, necromancy specialized wizard gnome Norman, and a half-orc cleric Syll. All of them were fixing to go to hell (pun totally intended) for their own reasons, and decided to team up so they’d have a better chance of not only surviving the trip, but also saving Elturel. 

Through various shenanigans involving discovering a cult hidden under one of the Duke’s estates, the group managed to get transported into Avernus – the first layer of hell, where Elturel had been dragged – and in the process of finding their way through the hellscape of the Blood War, the party discovered that Zane had been taken along with some other Elturel survivors, and had been forcibly thrown into a meregon’s fighting pit at “training practice”.

The party arrived at the devil’s arena just in time to save Zane from being killed, reuniting the twins for the first time in over a year of being separated. (Zana’s first words upon hugging her brother again were “Don’t ever try and sacrifice yourself for me again, you absolute prick” through a shed load of tears.) After rescuing and being reunited with her twin, Zana and Zane join the rest of the party on the months long mission to bring Elturel back to the material plane. 

After managing to return to Faerun, returning Elturel back to its original position on the map, and recovering for a few months, Zane and Zana – plus Zane’s new boyfriend, Elias, who’d started growing close during the trip across Avernus – decide it’s time to make the journey back to their family home to reunite with their father. By then it had been almost five years, and the two of them had been through so much, neither were sure how on earth they were going to explain to their father what had happened to them. Between the twins, they made the decision not to tell him, worried that the guilt of sending them away to such a fate would crush him.

So the twins returned to their childhood home to the delighted shock of their father, who was beyond overjoyed to have his beloved children home once again.

No Longer Who We Once Were

For five years the twins remained home again. In their time away their father had managed to build the farm back up again after the difficult times, but he was getting old and weary, so Zane and Zana took over a lot of the workloads. Zane and Elias become engaged, their old adventuring friends sometimes visiting, and despite the peace and joy of being reunited the twin’s father became more and more frail. The weight of hard years tending the farm alone, and missing his wife and children had weighed heavy on him, and eventually he passed peacefully one winter with Zane and Zana both there with him. 

With their father gone and no longer in a position to keep the secret of what happened to them, Zane and Zana decide that what they experienced in Baldur’s Gate and Avernus had left too many scars on them to lead a quiet life as farmers. Not without their father there as an anchor. They scatter their fathers ashes in the same woods where they scattered their mothers, and began preparations to sell the farm and set off to find what they’re meant to do next. 

Zana expressed her wishes to return to Baldur’s Gate and try to track down some of her old friends from the Avernus mission (who had all gone their separate ways after returning to Faerun). Zane and Elias agreed, but also wanted to go and visit Elias’ family in Waterdeep first to tell them about the engagement in person. The twins realize that they can’t realistically be joined at the hip for the rest of their lives, so they agree to willingly split up for the first time, albeit temporarily. The plan was for Zane to go with Elias to Waterdeep while Zana would head to Baldur’s Gate to pick up their old companion’s trails ahead of them – all of them planning to meet up in Baldur’s Gate in a few months time.

The twins exchanged Sending Stones made by Elias so that they used to keep in daily contact, speaking every night at the same time after heading out in their separate directions. 

Only when  Zana stops responding the day after she arrived back in Baldur’s Gate does Zane realise something is very wrong, both him and Elias immediately setting out to go find out what the hell has happened to her. 

What they find when they get there, I suppose we’ll find out soon enough…

Extra character notes:

Zana and Zane were both about 20 when they left home with Ferrovax. By the start of BG3 they're around 30.

Both twins are both very pale grey, even for tieflings, with white hair, bone grey horns and yellow eyes. They also look so similar that at a distance it’s difficult to tell them apart. They’re even the exact same height and have almost the same horn shape too.

When they were being trained in the gladiator stables, Zana (who was already good with a bow) was made to be a ranged specialist, while Zane was trained as a close-combat fighter. Class-wise, Zana is a combo of Hunter Ranger and a little bit of Rogue, while Zane is a Battle Master Fighter who’s preferred weapon is a glaive.

Neither twin learned to read or write as a child. When they were living in the gladiator stables, one of the other indentures (a former scholar of Candle Keep) helped them to learn the bare basics. Zana was a little better at it than Zane, but she’s still not great and is very sensitive about how slowly she is to write and read.

Zana keeps sketch journals as a way of managing stress. She draws people she meets, places she sees, and presses flowers and herbs between the pages to keep for later. After escaping the nautiloid, she buys and starts keeping a new journal as a way of taking her mind off things – and just in case she dosen’t survive, Zane will have something of hers to find out what happened to her.

I like to imagine she’s by far the best cook in the entire camp, barring maybe Halsin and Jaheira. The girl has been cooking food she’s hunted over a campfire since she was a child, and has had to figure out ways of making palatable meals out of scraps for half of her life. Astarion still likes to complain that there’s never enough seasoning in her food though. (Z: "Eat your desiccated fruit rations and be grateful, you prissy git. It's miles better than anything you could make, and you know it.")

While she was somewhat well known in Baldur’s Gate’s underground as a gladiator for a time, it was only in combination with her brother as a “matching set”. Without him, and all this time later, she’s not really recognised as much, and far prefers it that way. (In our Decent into Avernus campaign one of the Flaming Fist recognised her and asked her if she’d sign one of his shoulderguards, much to her mortification.)

I’m specing her as a Hunter subclass, but depending on how her story run goes I may take the Gloom Stalker subclass instead. I headcanon that the insertion of the tadpole has messed with her focus and combat reflexes, hence why she’s back at Level 1 despite originally reaching Level 8 during Decent into Avernus.

In my mind, Zana wore her Sending Stone on a cord around her neck, and when she was teleported onto the nautiloid, no magic items could come with her. Her Sending Stone is likely still lying in a gutter somewhere in the Lower City.

[doorplays]

Musings on Art: Wherein A Dog Helps Me Get In Touch With My Inner Artist

Hello! As I talked about with my spoilery review for Immortality, I sometimes want to do an accompanying spoilery review/article for games that I want to really talk about, but can’t talk about as much due to not wanting to spoil their stories. I’ll be changing up the format of these kinds of articles so that it’s less a review and more of my thoughts on my experience of these games!

Before we continue though, I’ll have to give a big fat !!!SPOILER WARNING!!! for this article as I will be talking about this game in a somewhat in-depth manner, mentioning some character arcs and some lore.

With that out of the way, let’s get on to my thoughts about Chicory: A Colorful Tale!

Chicory was a lot of things I didn’t expect. Even starting out, the game asked me for my favorite food. I didn’t think it would be used for the main character name, so I just said “Lumpia” and moved on. So I guess my drawdog is named Lumpia! And based on the title, I thought the game will be chiefly about Chicory, and that I’d get to control Chicory, and I guess I was (partly) wrong about both points!

I wanna talk about the game. I wanna talk about how it made me feel. But first, let’s talk about art.

I feel I need to post a disclaimer: I am not an Art Expert in any way, shape, or form. I am just a huge fan of art! Specifically the Game kind, but I do find myself liking a bunch of art. ANYWAYYYYY

Art means a lot of things to a lot of different people. Some think it has to have a deep effect on you. Some think it has to be done in a specific way. Throughout the years, it has evolved and changed, incorporating new tools, being expressed through new mediums.

What I’ve found, though, is that at its core, art is about communication. It’s about the desire to share a thought in a way that you choose.

If art is about communication, then there’s always two parties to art: the artist and the audience. And art, in this exchange, is the message.

It is a description that may seem too simple, but I do believe that is the heart of it. Nonetheless, art is definitely more complex than that! Artists struggle to perfect their craft in an effort to deliver art that is worthy of their chosen audience. They want to perfectly distill the ideas they want to share in this capsule of art, and share it with the world. Books, poems, paintings, movies, even games are made in the name of art. From small one-person artists to sprawling collectives working with collectives, art has been made and remade in a constant conversation between artist and audience.

It is no wonder, then, that many people want to be part of this conversation in a speaking role. They want to deliver their own message and thus become artists.

In Chicory: A Colorful Tale, there is only one artist that truly matters, and that artist is the Wielder.

When you start the game, you are introduced to the concept of a Wielder, and how important the role is to the society of Picnic, the world of this game. Using The Brush, they bring color everywhere, painting the trees, the seas, and the skies. They go around Picnic, retouching old paintings and buildings, helping everyone who needs their help. Since this role is a singular one, it is very important, and the responsibility weighs heavy on those who are charged with it. A new Wielder is chosen by the previous one, apprenticing them until they are ready to take on the role.

We see four Wielders in this game. We see Cardamom, an adorable old Lion! He loved doodling. He loved being in touch with his creative side whenever he drew and painted. But when he became the Wielder, he found that he disliked the role, as it meant that he was no longer doing this for his own happiness. As time passed, he grew tired of being the Wielder and he searched for someone to pass it on to.

Blackberry was the Wielder after Cardamom. She is a severe figure who values skill and greatness. She sees the Wielder role as a very important responsibility that must be handled with care. As such, she took decades before she chose an apprentice. She chose Chicory. Though passing on the Brush to her was a traumatic event for both of them, Chicory ended up becoming the Wielder all the same.

Chicory worked hard to be the Wielder. It’s all she wanted. It didn’t leave her room for much of a life other than working for the role. And now she has it… and she has grown to hate it. Blackberry pushed her too hard to be great. She colors in one spot and is unsatisfied, repeatedly erasing and coloring it in until she thinks it’s perfect. She is celebrated by everyone… except herself.

Lumpia, my player character, was a janitor for Chicory. Throughout the events of this game, they end up becoming the new Wielder, with Chicory guiding them. While Lumpia is happy to become Wielder, they are keenly aware of how they just stumbled into the role by luck, and constantly think if they are worthy of it. They are happy to help people using the powers of the Brush, yes, but they also think that maybe someone else deserves it better. Not only that, they also don’t know if this is what they even want in life!

It is interesting to me to see the Wielders’ varied motivations and their differing relationships with their role. Cardamom saw it as a burden that he soon cast off. Blackberry saw it as a responsibility to carefully guard. Chicory saw it as her ultimate calling, a goal to work towards. And Lumpia saw it as a way to help others. This… relation of the art with the artist, this is what Chicory: A Colorful Tale wants to talk about. How does your passion move you? How does your creativity manifest? What do you like about being an artist? How do you use your art? There’s a lot of questions to ask, but the point of Chicory is to help you explore these questions yourself. And what better way to do this than to be an artist in-game?

Chicory: A Colorful Tale opens with the world being devoid of color. It is an open-world coloring book for your own creativity to run wild in. The cursor is a brush that can change to different colors (depending on the area) and sizes. There’s even an in-game series of art classes for you to draw your own interpretation of various prompts and art pieces!

The art classes are optional. Heck, to my memory, there are only really one or two required paintings you really need to do. The painting in-game is mostly a way for you to interface with the Metroidvania platformer gameplay. Nonetheless, the game invites you to have fun with it. Color in the world! Draw some graffiti! Draw some [REDACTED]! It’s a blank canvas, you can draw as much (or as little) as you like! This is all an exercise for you to explore how you want to express your own creativity, and how much fun you have doing it.

I really like the game for how much it let me have fun with drawing and painting. It made me remember my younger days where I’d draw a lot of robots on notebooks, giving them stats. And seeing the in-game characters comment on my art enriched the experience, making me feel like my art actually mattered.

I think it’s too simplistic to call this game’s story as “unexpectedly dark,” but that’s what first comes to mind. On its face it seems like a fun coloring book of a game. As you play it, though, it then tackles themes of burnout, depression, systems that gatekeep, and a bunch of others.

I identify a lot with Chicory. As a person diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I really empathize with her. She has lost her drive, her main motivation, and is now lost. She blames herself for the current troubles of Picnic, even though it isn’t her fault. Blackberry pushed her too hard and she just took it silently because she really wanted to become the Wielder! The Brush that she so wanted to Wield has become the representation of the heavy expectations placed on her by Blackberry, by society, and by herself. Who wouldn’t buckle under all of that stress?

It is only when she lets go of the Brush that she begins to heal. As she helps Lumpia with their path to being a Wielder, they too help Chicory with their path to recovery. When the full nature of the Brush’s darkness revealed itself, they came back to Chicory and fought to help her despite her own self-destructive tendencies.

The Brush, being the creativity of all the Wielders made manifest, is also their doubts, their fears, their insecurities. Cardamom’s burnout. Blackberry’s gatekeeping. Chicory’s depression. Lumpia’s impostor syndrome. And so much more. It is the reason why the color of Picnic has been drained, and it will become worse if left unchecked. This is the moment where Chicory and Lumpia think: this has to end. There has to be a better way to create that doesn’t involve such trauma.

In Picnic, everyone can make art, but only one person at a time gets to be the Wielder. I like how the story discusses how unfair this system is, with recognition only being given to the current Wielder. Radish, an art student in Picnic, talks about this unfairness at length, and even after quitting art school in protest of this, she still needed Lumpia’s help to get her work noticed. So I especially liked it when in the ending, the current Brush is destroyed by Lumpia and Chicory, who have rediscovered the forgotten skill of growing your own Brush.

At the end of the game, she moves out of the Wielder Tower and into her own house. She painted it with her own style, and hung up Lumpia’s rendition of her. “I really want to be better,” she says. She doesn’t know what the future holds, but right now she wants to help all those who want to be artists in this new world that she and Lumpia helped build: a world where everyone can grow their own Brush.

I really like that. Anyone can be an artist, if they so choose to be.

Art is communication between artist and audience. But sometimes, you have to remember that you are also the audience of your own art. And sometimes you have to sit back, relax, and take a break. Take a moment to play a game about a dog who draws. The world can wait.

[justiceshot]

Inspiration

There’s been this phenomena bothering me for a long time now, and I’ve never spoken up about it because I didn’t feel like I had the authority to do so or the right words to articulate just what about it made me feel so hollow inside. I was doing meal prep today on my lunch hour and the words finally hit me. Like, “Holy shit I get why recipe blogs start with an 85 page thesis on country living before you get to the recipe” level of Hit Me.  

While I was chopping onions I noticed how I was holding my knife (badly) and an old scene from Good Eats popped up into my mind. Immediately it made me smile and I corrected the way I was holding my knife. I used to know the words to every episode of that show--and there were many seasons. I don’t anymore. I couldn’t remember the words to the scene and it made me a little sad before I moved on with the chore.

Why bring this up?

Let me dredge up some old, old tea to give you an idea of when I first noticed it acutely and how it’s changed the way I view media in general. There was a scandal years ago now. Might have been 2016 for the First Trump campaign even where donor information got out on a bunch of celebrities and Alton Brown was on that list as having donated sizably to the Republican party. This was about the time when fear at the LGBTQA community online was at an all time high. I follow a Lot of artists on Twitter and there was just this chorus of despair and dismay. Mr. Brown gave the predictable confusion as to why he was getting backlash and why his decisions should matter and all manner of very logical defensive statements as to why he should do exactly as he did. 

I’m not sure if he ever understood why an entire generation of people who grew up naming him as possibly a childhood hero or at least the reason they gave a passing shit as to why they’d care what they made for themselves suddenly turned away from him. Fast forward a few years and it’s the same story for the creator of Five Nights at Freddy’s (Scott Cawthon, I think?). And again and again there’s this tone deaf confusion from the people I and a lot of other people had kind of put on a bit of a pedestal as someone we wanted to emulate -- or at least aspire to their level of success and influence-- having an Inconvenient Truth coming to light about them. There are more. Many more, but these two were the ones that finally made me sit and think about it.

I never retweeted anyone’s comments pouring my heart out about it. I didn’t think I’d have anything valid to say. I do now.

Here’s the Finally Getting to the Recipe portion of this post.

No one is surprised to see an Influential white man support either the Republican party or values/actions that have been supported by said party as it marches ever toward regressive Authoritarian values. Not ten years ago, not fifty years ago, not now. That’s not why they lose a generation of fans.

When someone creates something they don’t get to choose who gets inspired by the content they create unless it never gets shown to the outside world. It’s how symbols get stolen by radical groups. Symbols that have to be hard fought to be reclaimed if they ever can be at all. So when a wholesome cooking show comes along that appeals to the nerdy and teaches them how to cook, or an indie horror game makes waves on the online community as being the brainchild of one person and these things get Big they’re going to reach a Lot of people. 

I’m posting this on Tumblr, almost none of y’all are cishet and even if you are chances are you’re either an Ally or at the very least not a goddamn enemy. So I’m talking to the choir when I say the older I got, the harder it was to find adults or media outlets in the mainstream who I could feel good about supporting. When news like this breaks? It breaks my heart a little bit every time and takes me by surprise. 

Not because another older white man is putting team mentality politics over the well being of his fellow Americans. But because these people through their creations and success have been able to get out of their tiny home bubbles and meet people. Either through real travel or online. They’ve gotten to expand their horizons so much to make all those waves. And when they come back to their homes and decide where the fruits of their labor should go, they show they haven’t Grown because of those experiences. 

They still choose the side that wants to take away basic human rights. 

So I’ll continue to say goodbye to a lot of childhood heroes I expect. Not because they’ve passed, but because I’ve grown more than they have as a result of their creations. It doesn’t make the lessons I’ve learned or the joy I’ve taken from their works any less valid, but it does make me look elsewhere when I want to find that next rainbow to chase.

[imp-writes]

FANFICTION FRIDAY

Today's fanfic: The Desalunier Chronicles :3

Chapter 4: Aesop’s Theorem

“Has anyone seen Claude this morning?” Eli asked as a collection of survivors were eating breakfast. Naib shook his head as he munched on an apple.

“I went and knocked on his door last night,” Emma said, “He didn’t answer. I hope he isn’t angry with us.”

“He’s probably sleeping.” Tracy said. “Yesterday was tiring for him, I’m sure.”

“He did sleep all day after he arrived.” Helena said.

“Even if not physically because the games don’t affect us here, he had a lot to take in.” Victor added. Eli nodded.

“I suppose.” He said. “I’ll go check on him later if we still don’t see him.”

The afternoon passed in tranquility. Shortly before he had to prepare for the game, Eli, accompanied by Aesop, found Claude’s door and knocked.

“Come in.” Eli pushed open the door after he barely heard the reply and Aesop slipped in behind him. Claude was in his bed, holding a book.

“Oh hello, Aesop, Eli. What brings you here?”  Claude’s voice was soft, not as if he was trying to be quiet, but more like he’d lived in a library all his life.

“You remembered my name?” Aesop blinked in surprise. “You…only heard it once.”

“I’m fairly good at keeping them in mind.” Claude replied with a smile. “Call it a specialty of mine. I enjoy keeping records, both with my mind and my pen.”

“Your memory is remarkable,” Eli said. “To answer your question, we came to check on you. You didn’t come down the entire day and we were worried. Haven’t eaten all day or anything either.”

Claude’s smile faded a little, even though he waved a hand carelessly.

“Pay my absence no mind.” He replied. “I’m simply tired after that…game…and what you all said. I need a little rest, is all. I actually feel stronger here than I have in….years…” He hesitated and trailed off at the thought. Years? I don’t even remember what things were like before I came here… He shook his head. “Regardless, I believe I shall have the strength to come downstairs for the evening meal, if you all would bear my company.”

“We’d be glad to have it!” Eli said with a nod. “Aesop and I will be in today’s game, but we’ll join you all after.”

“I see. I wish you better luck than I had.” He coughed a bit again. Eli and Aesop nodded and took their leave. Claude looked at his book.

“How bothersome,” he said to it, “I suppose I’m little more than a frustration as I am now though, aren’t I? I should at least take the time to learn about the others…and this place as much as they can explain it.” He opened the reddened hand he’d kept closed during their visit and sighed.

***

“FOCUS ON DECODING!” Eli pinged. Aesop promptly popped the last cipher and the exit alarm rang in his ears. He always tried to cover his ears for it, no matter how many times he heard it. He ran for the gate Luca was already decoding. Both jumped as a red and black flash appeared next to them.

“Hunter used Teleport!” Came the ping from across the map as the two of them scurried away from the gate. It was too late, however. Luca gasped and fell flat on his face as Joseph’s saber slashed deep into his back. He hauled himself to his knees, wincing and buckling from the pain.

Aesop had run back into the ruined walls nearby.

“I can’t embalm Luca…he’s dead on chair…what do I do…?” He put a hand on his chest and did his best to take a deep, even breath, a trick Fiona had shown him to help him calm down. In…and out….His heartbeat grew louder, but his head was clearer now. He ran to the exit gate and put his coffin up again.

“Get out of here!” He pinged to Eli. Subsequently, he saw Eli had escaped. He looked over to his left as he completed opening the gate. Joseph was approaching. He swallowed hard…and then stopped. He stopped walking. In fact, he stopped doing everything but looking at Joseph, his head tilted.

The photographer stopped as well, eyelids drooped in his typical, world-weary expression.

“What, do you want to lose again?” He queried. Aesop must have opened and closed his mouth a few times by the movement beneath his mask. His head straightened and he put his hands together at his mouth. Joseph gestured with his sword hand, almost striking Aesop, who still didn’t really flinch.

“Spit it out, mouse.” He sighed.

“I-“ Aesop’s voice finally started working again. “Is…Is Claude your son?”

It was Joseph’s turn to stare.

“….What?”

“I just…felt like I recognized him and I realized he looks…a lot…like…well, you…”

Joseph’s face twitched as he glared holes in the survivor before him. Aesop looked at Joseph indirectly, tugging a bit on his shirt.

“Get out.” Joseph snarled, flicking his head at the open gate.

“Are y-“ Aesop started.

“Get. Out.” Aesop flinched and scurried out with a bow and mumbled “thank you.”

***

Joseph stormed past the greetings awaiting him from his match. A tie was fine, but not particularly common in the Photographer’s high winrate. He ignored everyone, even Kuro and Hastur. Michiko’s “welcome back” was cut off by the icy aura that waved over her when he walked by, not even glancing at the other hunters. His door slammed shut behind him so hard Robbie flinched.

“What happened to Joseph-san?” Robbie asked. Michiko put a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s definitely more agitated than usual…” she said.

“You think? Seems normal to me,” Luchino smirked, making it clear he noticed just as much as they did.

Kuro shrugged and tossed his umbrella. When Shiro appeared he held his umbrella tightly.

“Wuju, I’ve told you to stop leaving in the middle of a conversation.” He sounded annoyed, but not completely discontent with being in the forefront. He comforted Robbie as best he could as Michiko poured them all some more tea.

The door banged open again, and this time Joseph held a letter sealed with his ring. He placed it on the table.

“Luchino,” he said, “See that that letter gets to the survivors’ manor unopened. I don’t care how.”

“Ah, don’t I even get a ‘please’?” Luchino teased. Joseph left without another word. The rest of the room was still stunned to silence. Except for Luchino.

“I wonder what put a bee in his bonnet,” he sighed.

“You’d better not open that,” Michiko chastened him.

“Joseph-san would be really mad then!” Robbie said. Luchino sighed.

“I won’t.” He sighed. “Come with me, Robbie, the two we like to play with are here. We can hand the letter off to them and forget about our sour aristocrat.” Robbie jumped up and took Luchino’s outstretched hand and they went off together, almost skipping.

***

“…And then I snagged Martha-chan right out of the chair from under his nose!” Kevin boasted about his most recent victory as the others returned to the room. Eli noticed Claude was chuckling at the story while writing on something in his lap. He seemed alert and content to participate despite his obvious weariness. He smiled Perhaps he’ll adjust better than I thought.

“Welcome back!” Boy greeted the survivors. They all waved or nodded and took their places at the table.

“Ah, how’d it go?” Kevin asked.

“It was a tie,” Aesop said, “Joseph…let me get out.”

“Oh?” Naib raised an eyebrow. “That’s surprising for him. Shiro, I wouldn’t be so surprised, but Joseph is usually quite brutal for a win.”

“I…think…I think I shocked him a little bit.”

“I thought that was my job,” Luca huffed jokingly. “It was a good match.”

“What did you surprise him with?” Tracy asked. Aesop glanced over at Claude for a split second and then his focus went back to his hands, tugging on his shirt.

“N-nevermind.” He mumbled.

“Well, a tie’s a tie!” Emma said, trying to be encouraging.

“Emma’s right. We all did our best,” Eli added. The entire time, while he did look up once in a while, Claude had been writing. Now, his glance remained up.

“Uh…not to change the subject, but…Kevin-san, could you finish telling me your story, please?”

“Aha! Yes of course! Where was I…? I’d just saved Martha-chan! So you see…”

As Kevin happily obliged, Claude continued to write until Boy looked over his shoulder and interrupted.

“Whatcha doing, Claude?” He asked. Claude startled at Boy being so close, but relaxed again and brought his writing up to the table where Boy could see it.

“I’m writing down the story Kevin-san’s telling,” he explained, “I like writing down things…memoirs, biographies…that’s what I wanted to do for a living.”

“You never were able to tell us what your profession was,” Helena commented. Claude looked away with a flicker of doubt…maybe withdrawal in his eyes.

“I’d like to consider myself a chronicler of sorts,” he said finally, “but I never got to do much.”

“I understand that feeling,” Helena replied to his hesitance, “I was just a student before coming here…it would have been nice to complete my education.” Claude offered a little pat on her shoulder as he was sitting right next to her. His smile shy, appreciating the comfort she offered. Helena startled for a second, but smiled warmly.

“I’d like to hear your stories sometime too,” he said, “All of you, really…” His thoughts were cut off by a small cough, but it didn’t get too bad this time. There was a pause in the conversation. Of course, it was Luca who broke it.

“So, then, what’s your story?” He asked, curiosity sparkling in his grey eyes.

“Pardon?”

“How did you come to be here at this manor?” Luca pressed. Claude paused. Eli and Emily both leaned in with slight concern when he stayed silent for a while. He raised a hand to calm them with a quiet, awkward chuckle.

“I’m…afraid I really don’t remember…” He replied at last. Luca’s curiosity didn’t waver.

“You don’t remember either, huh? Interesting interesting…”

“Does no one here remember?” Claude asked, his head raising a bit.

“Oh no, most of us do,” Eli answered, “A select few don’t. Luca didn’t remember most of his past when he first came. The hunter named Joseph also didn’t have most of his memories either, so Aesop, Boy-kun and I found out when we first came.”

“Oh…I see. So they both remember now?” Luca leaned his head and tapped on his temple.

“I still have lingering memory issues,” he said, “I may forget a face now and again…or perhaps a bit more…but I have recalled the events before I ever came here well enough.”

“And this Joseph? He remembered as well?”

“Yes, at least that’s what we’ve heard.” Claude wheezed again before being able to answer.

“You talk to them often? In…games?”

“Sometimes,” Boy-kun popped in. “But a few of us go and visit the Hunters’ Manor on moonlit nights.”

“Oh, an entirely different place then…”

“Mhmm! A whole manor unto themselves, much like we have.”

“I see…”

“Claude, do you remember anything at all?” Emily ventured. Again, Claude paused, but not for nearly as long.

“I remember closing my eyes…” He said, looking around a bit as if trying to picture it with open eyes, “it was a small room with bookshelves and cream-colored sheets…when I woke up, a man offered me a letter, promising me something in return for taking it…I walked here for whatever that was…you all know the rest. That’s…all I know.” A beat of silence as the other survivors took in the information.

“This man…” Naib said, “Who was he?”

“I don’t know,” Claude admitted, “I don’t remember his face…or even his voice...only what happened.”

“How curious!” Luca said, perhaps coming a bit too close to Claude, but if Claude was uncomfortable, he didn’t show it.

“Oh! Speaking of the Hunter Manor,” Emma interjected, “Robbie gave this to me…for Claude. He really wants to meet you, ya know!”

Claude took the letter Emma handed him, memories of jack flashing fresh in his mind all of a sudden. He shook it away as he opened the letter. He took note of the strong, graceful handwriting before even the words themselves. The others watched him start as he read the letter.

“Is everything okay?” Emily asked. Claude finished reading before answering her.

“The hunter you mentioned, Joseph. He wants to see me.” A ripple ran through the room. Claude didn’t understand the feeling in the room. Surprise? Fear? Concern? Confusion?

“Is….something wrong about that?” He asked. Aesop stepped forward. His body hesitated, but his gaze was steady. A sort of resolve and intensity Claude hadn’t seen in him before. He was usually so unconfrontational…even near invisible.

“The last time Joseph wanted to see one of us…me…he had written to the Baron requesting a horrible rule change.”

“I don’t understand….I haven’t even met him.” Claude put the letter on the table, the concerned faces around him putting him more on edge than ever. Eli, the only one wearing a smile now, raised his hands.

“Now, now, we don’t know for sure what Lord Joseph is thinking of this time. But I do think it’d be a good idea if someone accompanies Claude to this meeting. Claude, I’ll come with you if you want.”

“I’ll come too.” Aesop volunteered immediately.

“Eli…Aesop…you really don’t have to…”

“Well, please let us accompany you for our own sakes then, please?” Eli said.

Claude took a breath, shakier than he would have liked, and nodded.  “Alright. Thank you both.” Eli smiled again warmly.

“Don’t mention it!”

“I…guess we’ll go when the moon is out again…she seems absent tonight,” Claude said presently glancing out the window.

“We’ll show you the way!” Emma volunteered, raising her and Boy’s hands. Despite being volunteered, Boy seemed cheery, though there was still a shade of caution in his eyes.

“We usually go play with some of the hunters when we can! We’d be happy to!” Eli nodded his thanks, as did Claude.

“I’d appreciate that,” Claude said as he stood from his chair, “I, ah, hope you all don’t mind if I take my leave for the evening.”

“Not at all! Have a good night!” A chorus of various farewells followed Claude as he nodded and headed back to his room. He sat down in his bed with a book and read until his candle burned low. In a moment, he’d forgotten about the cryptic letter from Joseph he’d stuffed away in his pocket and eventually drifted off into his usual, sporadic sleeping patterns.

[lazzies123]

If Someone Asked Me What I Was Good at, I Would Say

Solitude.

When I was at school, we had an assignment to write down what we wanted to be when we grew up. After that, the teacher wanted us to do a presentation about it in front of the class. At that time, I was too young to understand that people would only be interested in us when we did or said good things. So, I told everyone that I wanted to write a book that motivated people. I wanted to leave a legacy in everyone's mind and inspire people to do good things. I remember I got a lot of applause, praise, and even a smile from my teacher. As I got older, I realised people don't care about what you think. It is what you do that leaves an impression on other people's minds. That's how you leave a legacy. Had I known about this earlier, would I not have presented my dreams at all?

Sometimes, I get jealous of people who know what they do with life. I see a friend who is good at music, who can sing and play guitar. There is also someone good at programming and engineering. Looking at these people, I could feel anger inside me. They have some values to offer which I may not have. I look at myself. What do I do? Working, playing video games, caring for my old man, and that's it? Sure, it was okay to play video games if it was 10 years ago. I didn't care about how much time had passed, but now. Every time I spend my time on a video game, I ask myself, "Was it worth it?" Aren't there so many better things to do? How can I compete against people who spend so much time carving their talents? Do I have a talent? I am confident in myself, but sometimes, being confident is not enough. You cannot bring a sword into a gunfight. While everyone else is busy improving themselves, I am trying to figure out what to do with life. If this is not jealousy, I don't know what is.

I wish I had a good hobby. I wake up every day. I help my dad with his needs: breakfast, an adult diaper, a computer for karaoke for his entertainment, and a good bed to sleep in case he's tired. Then, I prepare myself for work. After working 9 hours, I spend the rest of the day playing video games. Playing a game with someone is precious. But what if there is no one to play with? I will stare at my computer, watch YouTube, and listen to good songs. Is this actually productive? I know the answer is "no." Day by day, it feels so flat and empty. At the peak of my solitude, I found something that had been lost from me for so many years. Back when I was at school, I always liked writing. Yes, my writing is not so fancy, and these words are not pretty. However, this is better than not doing anything at all. Besides, writing is a cheap hobby. You do not really need much, right? Everything is there. My computer, internet connection, a keyboard. So, I started writing.

I do not have plans or a concept of what I want to write in this Tumblr. I have a lot of fantasy stories, but it is not a good time for that. I think I will write everything about me here. After all, this is for me. This place will be a good place to return whenever I'm unsure what to do with life. So, yeah. Myself, whenever you read this in the future. Know that good things come at the good times. Hang in there, okay? It does not really matter if people around you are good at what they do. We were born unique. Everyone has their own purposes. Besides, you get the privilege of taking care of your father. Only some get the chance to do that. I know you do not like your father, but that does not mean you hate him. You do not like your father as a person, but you love him as a family. Good things will come one day, and you will be a happy man.

If someone asked you what you were good at, ignore it. You do not need to tell everyone everything. Okay?

Use your solitude to write your legacy here :)

[designedonchaos]

P O T E N T I A L  C O N N E C T I O N S

Gus Amado, 43, He/Him, ASL Interpreter

Under the Read More are different connection ideas based on Val’s life. Feel free to message me or comment on the post if any of these strike your fancy and I can reach out to you to plot more. 💙 

💉 Sedate Me - It’s a hot summer out in the middle of nowhere- and you meet an older man with an ugly haircut and a watery smile. He’s living in an RV and he’s running away from something. He’s clearly been through it- and he doesn’t talk about it. Maybe a traveler yourself at the time, and at some basement party thrown by the grungy underground queers in some hot midwestern town, you get to talking- but more importantly, you get to experiencing. Whatever drugs you both take leave you sitting on a rooftop somewhere, throwing water balloons at street lamps to see if they’ll extinguish. You finally learn about Gus’s background- at least, what you can glean from between both of your hazes and delusions. You know he was a special agent, and you know his boyfriend is dead. High out of your minds, you both make a vow to be best fucked up friends forever, locking pinkies. And years later, despite the city being so vast and full of possibilities, you see the familiar face of your drug-buddy out and living his life, in NYC. He looks better. But before or after doesn’t matter. Fate just has a way of pulling y’all back together again.

👊 Fight Me/Kiss Me - You hate his shit face. His dumb smile and the way he always knows a little too much about something. Not only that, but he shows up to things and always just seems to be trying to get a word in. You don’t fully notice the loneliness there, the way Gus tries desperately to make friends, afraid of his empty apartment. But you revel in arguing with him- and he relishes in it right back. Drinks at the bar turns into rolling eyes and pushes and shoves, until you’re both out in the parking lot. Until he’s under you breathing heavy and the stale beer emanating from your breath has him gripping your jacket and tugging you in. You both fuck and fight like it’s your job, and you’re not sure which you enjoy more.

🧒 Miss Me - You’re a similar age to one of the many Amado children and you get along swimmingly. You’ve spent your life in NYC and you often meet up with the Amado kids when they go out to the community pool. The younger boy is sweet and a bit of a mama’s boy, but he’s always coming up with funny stories and you two play pretend out in Central Park while your moms have picnics. You two go off into the woods and hunt frogs. You see how deep into the mud you can go without sinking, and you go searching for elusive ‘mystery fish’, a favorite game of Gus’s. You’re kindred spirits, made of muck and algae and the smell of wet bark. Maybe it’s because you’re both so used to the concrete and boring structures of high-rise apartments that you can’t enter. Gus’s cooler brother Chet always calls you both ‘the little swamp monsters’. In high school Gus asks you to help cut his hair, and you steal his older brother’s car and go looking for ghosts. But Gus started to slowly clean up- and suddenly he was an agent. Stuffy and carrying a gun- but sometimes you see the scruffy kid you were best friends with. Your texts and Facetimes were few and far between, until his partner died and he retired from the force. Suddenly he needed friendship more than ever- but sometimes it’s not so simple. How do you both restart your old friendship? Is it tough, or does it feel like no time has passed?

💬  Introduce Me - You do your job, and you do it well- a professional at whatever you do. And regardless of how long you’ve been that way, you are impressive to Gus. Gus, who grew up figuring out his life and only having a few friends, only to lose one of the closest ones he had. He’s spent the past few years driving around in his RV with Chili, not really having a place to call home... and now he’s come back to NYC, and barely understands what it means to have a family any more. He needs help... and you can feel it. He’s desperate for some kind of connection but often gets into fights instead. You think he might need to be taken under someone’s wing. Maybe he needs help being introduced to new friends, to a brotherhood. Even just being filled in on what’s been going on. Gus is desperate to belong but doesn’t know how to make that shown- and maybe you see that, just a little bit. He makes all his jokes at first, affable and kind, but finds you comforting and helpful. He may even see you as a form of guidance or a close friend.

🚘  Help Me - You are someone in a car at night. It’s so dark out and your high-beams are on, and the radio is turned up. For some reason it’s slow & sad songs tonight, and you’re eager to get home. Roy Orbison croons. ‘I was alright, for a while, I could smile for a while. Then I saw you last night, you held my hand so tight, when you stopped to say ‘hello’.’ The next second, you see a shorter man tripping out of the woods and right onto the street. He’s bloody and his clothing is torn and his eyes are wide. He’s bruised up and terrified... and against the fear screaming in the back of your head, you help him into your car. His name is Gus, and he flops back into your passenger seat after you’ve asked him if he’s alright. He’s out of it and mumbling “Just drive, just drive”. He’s trying not to bleed on your car’s interior. He’s silent for a second and laughs weakly. ‘Shit, is that- this is one of my favorite songs.’ From there on, you start to talk carefully. He’s bleeding- a lot. You get him to a police station and that’s that... until you see on the news that an FBI agent and his partner were held hostage at gunpoint for 48 hours by a drug cartel. You recognize the face immediately. The police call you for a follow-up and you get to meet Gus in the hospital as he recovers. Suddenly you’re visiting every few days, hearing that not many have. 

[hausofmamadas]

Yeah, no I feel real healthy and sane after reading this life wrecker. I’m so good rn not at all wiping the snot from my nose with my sleeve like im a 4 year old who’s sandcastle got kicked over

═

✷ Steve saw through it, the moment he got back to the DEA HQ and assignments were debriefed he knew there was something else Javi was up to. 

Sksksksks bc what are work hubbies for if not to roast you and call you out on your shit

✷ ... Steve pointed his finger and bounced his hand up in down with a nod, “we could all stay in the same hotel, grab dinners, explore the city, think that’d be fun.”

Javi began to trip on his words, not sure how he wanted to respond. 

“I’m fuckin’ with you, Jav.”

NOSJSJSJ BC WHAT DID I JUST SAY. But also I’m cracking up at the fact that my reaction would be the exact same as Javi’s largely bc I’m allergic to children like I don’t believe it’s possible to truly go on a vacation until your child is old enough to drive tbh

✷ He knew you were Javi’s last serious girlfriend, and assumed probably his first as well.

NOOO INSJSN THE IMPLIED SHADE HERE in screaminfskkssn bc this is literally like 3 layers of shade, like it’s writer’s commentary on Javi filtered through Reader’s interpretation of Steve’s perception of Javi, A LITERAL ONION OF SHADE OKAYSK

✷ ... with how Javi swooned his way around women, it was hard to imagine him heartbroken but eventually he realized that was probably why he swooned his way around so many women.

And the brilliantly hilarious onion of shade continues

✷ “Well, whatever happens, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Steve’s grin grew. 

“So come back married with a kid?”

PFFFTTTJDJDJD okay fair point Javi like Steve did effectively acquire a stray child that he did not have or intend on having prior to going to Colombia

✷ Although he counted his blessings for that, time passed a lot slower when you had to listen to people talk about boring shit all day.

Godddd the truth of this though like this counts even when you’re not anxiously awaiting seeing the love of your life/person who emotionally maimed you for life for the first time in god knows how long

✷ You were head in the game, moving from one side of the bar to the other in seconds, shaking drinks, stirring others, filling up drafts of beer all while keying in orders to the computer. 

First off, I love nothing more than when someone uses like a part of speech as a different part of speech that like otherwise would seem incorrect, except I’m not an idiot, so I am fucking liiiiivviiiiinngtgg for “You we’re head in the game,” like marveling at the way this idiom is the indirect object of this sentence, fucking LIIIIIVING for that shit and taking notes. Secondly, as someone who has had a number of jobs in the service industry, I know THIS EXACT flow described right here, like it brought me back to my serving days forreal

✷ It was one of your favorite things about being a bartender here, there was no room to think, to let your mind take over, you were focused on one task and jumping to the next in seconds.

Once again, as someone who’s worked in the service industry, like there are very few things I miss about those jobs but by god, if this isn’t one of them. Like when you’re doing an office job, it’s so much harder to just like forget that your life may be falling apart the usual anxieties of daily life

✷ Every thought you had pushed away, left no room for over the last few years rushed to your brain.

GOODSKJDISHSBSBWBWI JESUS CHRIST THE WAY RHIS SLAPT ME THO BC LIKE SEEING IT DESCRIBED THIS WAY like we all know what that’s like, you’ve been successfully compartmentalizing shit, distracting yourself but no matter what, that shit comes to collect usually with interest and you’re just like so not prepared for it. Like the just pure shock of the strength of that emotion. Fuck dude that shit is REAL

✷ “Hey.” His voice was deep and raspy. 

“I’m taking my 15!” You called out immediately ...

PFFFTTJDJDJRJEN THE WAY I AUDIBLY HOWLED AT THIS

✷ You let out a laugh, you didn’t mean to but it just came out. Of course it was only a week of him not smoking. Putting your cigarette back in the box, you leaned back against the wall ... “I’m not gonna be a nicotine tease.”

Oh I love this so much bc just the way it so smacks of like when you see your ex after a long time, and it’s like the post-breakup competition of like who’s doing better sksks like who’s more functional and healthy in the wake of the breakup

✷ “... I can set you up at a table, send over food, give you a kids menu so you can do the mazes and crossword puzzles to pass the time.”

uh sorry, you mean to tell me that Reader is like SUCH the homie for coming through with this idea no wonder why javi has had it so bad all these years

✷ “Crayons too.” Javi said only seconds after you finished speaking. “I want the menu and crayons.” 

OHHHHHHSJSKSJSBS S SNS AND THEN YOY GOTTA COME BACK AND SLAP ME WITH THIS MOST CHARMING OF BANTER BC YOURE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED BY WHUMPRIL TO RUIN LIVES

✷ It was small talk but it stuck with you. The fact that he had clearly done this before, it made you realize he was lonely.

GODLDDSKDJDJDB OKAY so I’ve said this so many times in other reblogs but there’s always a moment in every fic I read where like someone will just touch on some character note that either, I’d never thought of before or articulate something I’ve thought but never had the words to describe about a character and LET👏🏽ME👏🏽DO👏🏽TELL👏🏽YOU👏🏽 this is one of those times bc like the idea that Javi’s *good* at small talk means like he’s had so much practice with the most shallow of interactions bc that’s only how far it ever gets with anyone else LIKE THST IS JUSTDJDISJWUWHEBWJBSBE a) SO javi and b) fucking heartbreaking to think about to the point I’m like a peeling my face off

✷ The Javi you knew was soft, he was in love, he was sweet. The Javi in front of you still had some of those traits, selfishly you hoped he saved them for you ....

SELFISHLY YOU HOPED HE SAVED THEM FOR YOU, OKAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK,YOU ARE LEGITIMATELY TRYING TO COMMIT MURDER HERE, YOU ARE DOING DEEP AND LASTING DAMAGE TO MY PSYCHE WITH THIS SHIFSJSUWHHW

✷ “You seem lonely.” Again, you weren’t trying to be mean or pour salt in a wound, it was just the truth. 

Pfdftttjdjdj I’m like simultaneously laughing and crying at the same time bc like despite Reader’s desire not to rub salt in the wound, telling someone who’s unequivocally, desperately lonely that they seem lonely is like not even rubbing salt in the wound ? It’s like beyond sksjs more like rubbing the wound with sandpaper or steel wool ?

✷ How this conversation years ago, with the same words would have been pointed and petty and now they were sad and caring. 

GODDDDDDDDJDJDB but isn’t this such like the kind of grownup loneliness when you’re old enough to know what true loss looks like

✷ As you entered into your apartment, walking into the space you picked up some laundry that was tossed along the floor and threw it into your hamper. “Sorry for the mess, I don’t usually have company.”

entire side note to talk about me bc I can find a way to make anything and everything about me but the phrase “Sorry for the mess, I don’t usually have company” should be engraved on my headstone like I have never felt so seen and represented in a fic

✷ You threw your head over your shoulder to look at him, “I’m pretty lonely.”

NOOOOSBSJDJSB BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT SHIT UP WITH THIS AND IM sksksns CHOKINSJSJSJSBS NOW BC “I’m pretty lonely” IS AN EQUALLY APPROPRIATE HEADSTONE ADORNING PHRASE DJSJSIWJSNSN

✷ There was a set of blankets and pillows on the couch, likely where you’d fall asleep every night by the looks of the indent in the couch and the multiple empty wine glasses on the coffee table. 

And now I’m like actually looking over my shoulder, checking the corners of my room trying to make sure you don’t have hidden cameras in my apartment bc tbis is so startlingly me sksksns the one assurance that I have is that I don’t drink wine, so if you did have surveillance footage of me, it’d be empty glasses of cold brew and chocolate milk instead of wine glasses

✷ “I know it looks like a sad and pathetic life, and sometimes it is,” your eyebrows raised as you joked, “but it’s also pretty cool, lots to do in the city, I hang with my friends from the bar a lot, but I like my little space too.” 

WHEREIN IM NOW JUST COPY/PASTING LINE BY LINE BJT LIKE I CANNOT ACTUALLT FUCKINFSJSJSN EXPRESS THE PURE CONCENTRATION OF ME THAT IS REPRESENTED BY ALL OF THIS LIKE IF WE GO SOWN THE LIST:

1) sometimes lonely and pathetic ✅

2) also pretty cool ✅

3) lots to do in my city ✅

4) I hang with my friends not from the bar bc don’t got time fordat but I do have a little crew of homies

5) but I like my little space too ✅

LIKE ALL THE FOOD GROUPS EQUALLY REPRESENTED IN TBIS SHIT RIGHT HERE, I COULD KISS YOU, I FEEL SO SEEN

✷ “I didn’t have whiskey.” Your voice interrupted his staring at your bookcase.

“You know I’ll drink anything.” He smiled and took one glass from your grip. 

What does it say about me that I reas this and was like “YEAAAA THATS MAH BOI” don’t answer that, let’s not think about it too hard

✷ Javi shook his head, “and please don’t just repeat what you told me then, I’ve heard those words on repeat for years.” 

Fuck. That hurt you. 

FUCK THAT HURT MEEEEEEEEEEE JYEEEEEEEESUS FUCKING CHRIST SSKSWIWOSIXJSJJWBW&./&/!!€\

✷ It’s stupid now thinking about it but I felt like saying yes to you, meant saying no to myself.

Look, this could be read as like Reader being #problematicallynoncommittal HOWMEVER, given that it’s a fem Reader, MY FODDDDDD there’s so much that this says just in terms of gender roles, a desire for independence and self-sufficiency whether that be emotional or financial or both and also just feeling stifled in a relationship despite still loving the other person and as someone who just got out of a 6 year relationship where I felt stifled but still loved the other person, I feel both seen and attacked AND IM DOING FUCKINGKSJD LAPS IN MY LIVING ROOM RN BC THIS JUST CLOBBERED ME IN FHE FACE LIKE A CRICKET PADDLE WITH THE FEELS OKAY ????AND IM NOT OKAY, OKAY???????

✷ The room filled with heaviness, these weren’t easy topics to talk about and you two were discussing them like they were nothing. 

Look this is probably such tmi but I legit just had a conversation with aforementioned ex of 6 years that I still love that was so much this vibe like I think it might actually be the universe’s sick cosmic joke that I chose this fic to read today bc like it’s dhshwhwjwhwnebehbwbwbw just wlalaiwisksks makinfsjsbe me feel a lotta sjsjsjs fuckinsnsbsbsbw w THIIIIINGS

✷ ... you started to tear up and before you knew it a sob left your mouth.

OHHHH SUREEEEEEEEEWW BC I WOKE UP THIS MORNINF AND SAID TI MYSELF, I WANNA GET WRECKT TODAY ~~IM NOT SOBBING, YOURE SOBBINF. NO ONE LOOK AT ME, AVERT THINE EYES

✷ “God, what the fuck happened to us.”

“A lot of fuckin’ shit.”

BOOOOOOSSJJWWJJWEB ENDJDNS DNDNAJ S NO BC YOU ARE ON A REAL-LIFE ACTUAL WARPATH COMING FIR ME WITH THIS ????????????? AAAAAAAAAAND IM FULL CHERNOBYL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN, JUST COLLAPSING IN ON MYSELF LIKE A DYING STAR

✷ You turned and lightly jogged over to the coffee table to grab the engagement ring box off the table and bring it back to the door ... “Returning what I borrowed ... Keep it. I have a feeling one day you’ll want it again.” 

AHHHHHHHHHHHJ W AND NOW IM JUMPING UP AND DOWN, DOING THE CAN-CAN, POPPING OPEN A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE WITH A KNIFE IN THAT COOL BUT RIDICULOUS WAY THEY DO IN THE MOVIES WITHOUT ACCIDENTALLY CUTTING MYSELF IN THE PROCESS BC IN THIS SCENARIO, I HAVE THE HAND-EYE COORDINATION OF AN OLYMPIC ATHLETE BC I WAS SO NOT EXPECTINF THIS AVTUAL HAPPY ENDING ??????? LIKE WHAT A GIFT YOUVE GIVEN ME

Something Borrowed

Javier Peña x F!Reader

Day 10 from these April Prompts: “Returning something borrowed long ago”

Summary: A familiar face surprises you along with all the emotions that come with seeing him. 

Warnings: Angst. All my fics are 18+ regardless of content. 

Word Count: 4.7k words

Narcos Taglist: @drabbles-mc  @justreblogginfics @narcolini​

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