jestre

[jestre]

Same, minus the popularity.

When I first made my Jitterbugjive account on tumblr, I took on a persona of confidence and pride. But the problem was it got out of control, and became a real part of me due to not knowing how to handle tens of thousands of people following my every move. I thought I was mature and highly intelligent in my early 20s because I knew more than the average person and had high emotional intelligence. But I wasn't that smart. I wasn't really that confident. I was performing for everyone in the way I thought would please them the most. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized that persona was destroying the things around me, and it had to stop. I couldn't be that person any more. I tread more carefully than I ever had before, with extremely low self esteem and confidence, constantly feeling imposter syndrome and waiting for the next person to get angry with me like a bomb suddenly going off and not being given a chance to explain myself or apologize. I want to be kind, do the right thing, help people, be a good friend. But always fear I'm not.

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I've very often felt similar to where "once things start going good, someone is going to enter to try and break it all down where I have to start over again, no matter how much I explain, empathize, and apologize." Doing everything right and trying to do everything right never fairly feels enough when the other wants to destroy as much as you're trying to repair. It's felt like balancing a platform on a pin.

I have a lot of trauma around people assuming my intentions and convincing themselves they're right no matter what I do or say. It's happened again and again since childhood. A friend of my mom once called the cops on me to accuse me of stealing her money, when I didn't even know where the hell her money was and I had just inherited 6k so why would I want to steal someone else's money? But idk I guess I looked at her wrong or something and that convinced her I had to have done it. Worse still, after the cops left, she showed up and started screaming at me and calling me a thief all while I'm bawling my eyes out trying to defend myself.

And then I'm sure some of you remember when I was kicked out of Illinois by a woman who got drunk and convinced herself I gave her a smaller artichoke on purpose which was apparently of high disrespect. And again it involved her screeching like a banchee accusing me of things I never did while I'm completely helpless.

The memories that stick hardest in my head are ones where people are accusing me of things that aren't true and they cycle through my head often and cause a lot of distress and anxiety.

I don't know why I constantly attract people like this other than that just being an unfortunate side effect of being autistic. And when you put someone doing something dumb in a room with someone who assumes others' intentions, the person being dumb is going to be accused of doing something intentionally bad.

Why why WHY are there people like this and how do I escape them?

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Anyone else start as a trans kid when discovering which gender you like to hang out with and internally associate most only to have friends and family deny your young thoughts to the point you forgot you were trans until you were an adult?

Shit sucks.

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Just a silly idea I had about a haunted or cursed doll that gets picked up by a doll modder & given a makeover.

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They still think of you as kind and supportive even if you don't post about it, I still do and we don't talk, you know me as Eerie Gloom, just relax and take it easy as best you can, those around you still love you even if they don't say it every day.

It's nice to hear from you again, it's been a while since my hiatus. I have drawn a few things recently in the effort of working on my consolidated comic. I partially feel that's where I fell off for a lot of people, years ago.

I'll keep trying to take it easy, and I appreciate the love to reach out to me from you and others and the anon I forgot to say thank you to as well.

Thank you also for the reaffirmation. I can't get out of the dwelling on past interaction mistakes I made, and a lot of which was online that hurt multiple people I can't find to say sorry to. I've felt my fuck ups require me to be in an anxious quiet because I did wrong.

A month is a long time until my therapist appointment after not having a good one in about 2 years because I couldn't hold a job long enough to keep the same office. Thankfully, my new job gave me insurance faster than most places.

Sorry about the long reply, it's a habit when I'm really low and haven't seen a therapist in a long time.

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Please try to take it easy for tonight and do something you enjoy. You're more loved than you know.

I have a feeling I know who this is, but I could be wrong. I've been trying every night to do something I love and it has been feeling numb and because of that, it's been exceptionally hard to feel loved.

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Honestly, my day is usually work, then I silently sit in my room, getting stoned and sometimes doing something creative, but for an hour or two. Everyone I know who can be supportive nearby, cannot because they're either at work when I'm off or literally live too far away. So, it's text and rarely any chat calls anymore. It's a lonely life. I am sorry to those who followed my accounts hoping to see an otherwise kind and supportive person.

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are you doing okay?

I can mask okay at the moment, but I'm really not okay. The very opposite of okay.

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If I suddenly disappear someday, just remember it wasn't your fault.

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Understandable when we have rich cartoon villains weaponizing the government like the hypocrites they are.

Let’s see this happen

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Let’s see this happen

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How you been Jestre?? Hope you’re doing well! 🙂

Though I finally got a new job after 8 months of being unemployed, I've been feeling down for a while now. I appreciate you reaching out and checking in though, that's very nice of you.

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Rabbits can absorb their litter into their body as a form of natural abortion when the time isn't right or otherwise.

evangelicals being like "god made men to do This and be like This and women to do That and be like That that's just how it is" and it's just a picture of a white man and woman following traditional gender norms makes me so insane like you boring fascist fucks. god made 2 million species of beetles. god made whales, ducks, humans, and 1500 other species capable of same sex behavior. god made fish and amphibians that change sexes. god made more than 30 different intersex variations in human beings. god, in his infinite curiosity. wake up!!! fuck!!

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Awesome to see!

It's been a VERY very long time since I've taken the time to draw what I would consider a 'masterpiece', that is in my definition a detailed, high quality artwork made for the purpose of looking as good as possible.

Slay the Princess awakened the slumbering monster and I'm working on a big piece right now for fan art

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This.

if people don't like that I'm reblogging more political stuff now, then they don't understand how absolutely dire it is for information to get out there in these times or how important it is to make people angry about what's happening.

I'm not going to stop until things are better, and if you still can't see how wrong things are now, then you're being willfully ignorant.

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Me every time I think I'll look good transitioning to female, but met with the sense of shame and embarrassment because I convinced myself hardly anyone will understand the feeling other than other trans people.

evolution dysphoria