#a lot of my mental goes towards guessing wth happened to me and why do i act like this
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i tried to remember and now i have a headache
#a lot of my mental goes towards guessing wth happened to me and why do i act like this#*mental energy#and i need a nap now#and an advil#what tags could i possibly use#uh#dissociating#maladaptive daydreaming#schizoid personality disorder#again maybe#and uh#trauma#? probably
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ELLE & GWEN : TWO FRIENDS TORN APART ONLY TO BE BUILT BACK UP AGAIN : a mini essay on friendship & more .
this is gonna be a semi - long ass post & hopefully one that is articulate & not some garbled mess but here we go . i have a theory / inkling about elle & gwen and it’s that they were ACTUAL FRIENDS at one point but had a vague falling out , i.e. exhibited in the way that gwen’s circle of friends ( god i don’t really know the girls names except erica & madison so forgive me but you know which girls that are always over at her house . ) treat / regard elle . elle is perceived as quiet ( she herself has said she is sensitive / doesn’t like change ) , i personally write her as having some form of anxiety ( most likely a sort of social anxiety ) & people ( especially girls who run in packs ) don’t like things they don’t understand / other girls they can’t control or ‘ figure out ‘ . elle is one of those girls . she’s pretty enough to be perceived as a threat by the girls who have hunky & potentially stupid boyfriends that would cheat on them ( clark, jason , etc ) . she’s talented enough to be envied . she’s determined & strong enough to hold her own against people who would speak ill of her ( though she always seconds guesses herself & probably doesn’t think of a comeback until after a situation ) .
GWEN’S GROUP OF FRIENDS .
in episode 2 ��� our to.wn “ we see elle getting ready for something, she’s putting on makeup , picking out what one might consider a nice dress, wearing accessories , case & point she’s making an effort. she’s making an effort to distract herself from the dissolving world around her. she comes up to the house & is turned away by one of gwen’s friends told to “ go” after elle urges that she just wants some company. the girl then says “ why don’t you try one of your friend’s houses ??? “ . at first glance, this is just an obvious reference that she’s a loner . she has no friends . she has secluded herself from groups . but i think here , beyond her trying to make an effort in this new world , this might have been her old group of friends. though she’s never been considered the most popular or running with the likes of harry / kelly , she might have been friends of their friends, mid level acquaintances / tolerated if you will because one of the people in this friend group genuinely liked her & i think that person might have been gwen .
one thing that i did notice & that might be deemed insignificant by others or seem as far fetched is how they decorate their rooms . gwen is in gymnastics / possibly cheerleading & elle is in ballet / other forms of dance . they both hang their gymnastic accessories / cheerleading bows & ballet point shoes up on the wall straight in a row , as close as possibly to their bed or on an adjacent wall . now, you may be saying ? well , a lot of people display their competitive sports / trophies like that but i say , like minds think alike & i believe either gwen & elle were civil and knew each other from shared classes or shared sports / dance centers OR their parents were friends and thus they decided to decorate their rooms the same . i think there’s some sort of shared / history and bond between them . another possibility is that gwen tried to integrate elle into the friend group & no one else really liked her so what did gwen do ? she badmouthed her , she possibly talked shit about her to her boyfriend who then told jason & luke who then told helena who then called her a thot in the hallway. and yes, that does seem like a silly / trivial thing in a show such as this to bring up but i think it was significant enough point to be made be elle & helena to bring up the past . words hurt especially when you don’t deserve them & they come from someone you respect or someone that doesn’t even honestly know you. helena probably said it in the heat of the moment, there were probably rumors about elle floating around , vicious hurtful rumors or “ locker room talk “ by clark & the other guys . guys who would be influenced by their girlfriends perception of another female .
now onto how gwen’s friends treat elle ( EP 2 thru finale ) . they treat her as someone to be ignored . someone to scoff at . someone to pick on so they won’t get picked on by the god tier high school rich kids . it’s a those who are bullied bully others mentality . or those who don’t understand someone / won’t take the time to get to know someone end up making fun of them mentality . ex. at prom when elle’s dancing mostly by herself but in their vicinity , the one girl with the wavy hair sort of rolls her eyes / gives her friend a “ wth she’s fucking weird” look that normally would hurt elle but the girl in the red dress encourages her to dance / grabs her hand & twirls her around , this is also the scene where seconds later she bows in front of campbell & then they dance to a slow song later on. it’s pretty sad to realize she probably got ready in her house alone while gwen , helena & the other girls all got ready together .
this brings me to the other major theme in this essay that i think ELLE & GWEN ARE BOTH CLOSETED BI’S OR QUESTIONING & SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM. from like episode 4/5 or whatever on , gwen is seen distancing herself from clark & she is seen QUESTIONING OTHERS RELATIONSHIPS & HER OWN RELATIONSHIP IN THIS NEW WORLD.
elle & reaching out to gwen / gwen’s friend group :
in the church in ep 1 she can be seen sitting close to kelly & gwen .
ep 2 , she goes to gwen’s house only to get turned away .
ep 3, she gets excluded from the church all girls meeting .
ep 3. in the cafeteria, before campbell gives her the prom dress, she is seen hesitating when seeing gwen, lexie & the other girl on those risers in the cafeteria. gwens looks over for a split second ( so does lexie i think ) & elle ultimately chooses to sit by herself for fear of being turned away once more .
ep 4 , after elle proposes movie night to kelly & elle attends movie night by herself , clarke & gwen walk her back to campbell’s house . elle even mirrors her own words in ep 2 saying “thanks for the company guys. “ the company she so wanted in ep 2 but was denied . gwen also lowkey picks up on the off vibe between elle & campbell , not only because she probs thinks campbell is a creep but because she knows elle personally . there’s a brief flicker of concern right after c kisses elle & starts petting her head . yeah, anyone could be weirded out by this but i think she showed genuine concern that a friend would have seeing another friend in this situation .
ep 9 after the pie poisoning , helena takes elle in & elle ultimately leaves helena’s home because she doesn’t want to put her or their other friends in danger.
ELLE & GRIZZ TALKING (EP 2 ) / GWEN & GRIZZ TALKING ( EP 1 thru THE FINALE ) yes, i don’t think it’s a coincidence that both girls are seen opening up / talking about intimate issues with grizz, the other half of a gay m/m couple who are completely the softest in all of new ham . grizz approaches elle unprompted in episode 2 “ our town “ ( cause he’s a nice guy and he could see she was uncomfy ) when she’s seen on the fringes of the fugitive game . grizz tells her that everyone is scared & sometimes a silly game makes things better, she says that she doesn’t think it’ll help her much & she admits that she thinks GOD IS PUNISHING HER . when i first rewatched / heard this i was like “ oh she’s talking about campbell “ but i realized we don’t really seem them together until later on in that episode where campbell solidifies his choice with her / they go to prom in the later episodes . i think that elle thinks god is punishing her for SOMETHING SHE DID RELATED TO GWEN’S FRIEND GROUP OR FRIENDS .
quotes from gwen or instances where it seemed to be coded towards her questioning not only the world around her but her own sexuality / curiosities .
“ we might have to marry them one day, i mean , who else is there ?” ---- gwen in ep 2 after the fmk game where they talk about the boys.
idk what ep but when she just randomly brings up that seth guy. idk it reeked of “ lol boys like me . i like boys. i met one once that i’m totes gonna get with later energy “ when everyone knows that’s a damn lie. i think she overcompensates a lot when talking about guys / making inappropriate jokes or playing fmk , etc.
when helena & gwen are getting ready for prom , gwen tells her that she wasn’t even going to go to prom with clarke. their relationship was already over in her mind & she was moving on . she also asks helena about luke & them staying together saying , “how can you be so certain?” , ALSO , when she mentions stan/ford & says there are so many people “ hot people. hot surfer people . you don’t think you’d be curious?” got my bi antennas going WAY UP cause she totally could have said “ hot guys / dudes, etc. “
she also says “ luke wasn’t just the best you could do for now?” which is how i think gwen views her relationship with clarke & the small town that they are in & now the current situation they’re in .
okay but grizz & gwen’s whole interactions in the finale screamed questioning / curious to me because g reading thoreau really fucked up gwen i think espc the whole “ and not when i came to die, discover that i had not lived . “ i.e. gwen not discovering / exploring her sexuality / her place in the world.
gwen cuddling g / trying to lowkey put the moves on him & then grizz admits he’s gay to her.
“ are you gay through & through or mostly gay?” yeah, that’s insensitive wording & ignorant , but to her , it’s an honest question cause she’s curious about grizz . i wholly believe this was also a hopeful asking for her in terms of “ wow i guess that could be me too eventually?” like i think she has so much respect for grizz so to see him out here living the best life he can and accepting who he is and telling her about that like idk i just read that scene of it really opening up her world views / the possibilities of life as someone who is questioning things.
TLDR ; ELLE & GWEN USED TO BE GOOD FRIENDS . THEY ARE BOTH QUESTIONING THEIR SEXUAL IDENTITIES & PLACE IN THE NEW WORLD . THERE WAS SOME SORT OF FALLING OUT THERE I JUST KNOW IT. GWEN & HER FRIENDS WEREN’T JUST BEING MEAN GIRLS, THEY WERE BEING MEAN EX FRIENDS .
#the society spoilers#long post for ts#long post //#yikes this post is 2k+#feel free to ignore lol but here it is#i might be reaching in some areas but idk this is just my viewpoint / inkling from my rewatch
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Cloudy With A Chance
Part 11: …of Apple Pi.
Masterlist
Maybe in a movie Jiwon would’ve kissed Hanbin as they walked along the Han River after the Exhibition. Maybe they would’ve linked hands nervously and heard 90s RnB music playing faintly in the distance as a light breeze ruffles through Hanbin’s hair.
But none of that actually happens. Out of the corner of his eye, Jiwon saw the moment come….then he watched it go, floating away with an apologetic shrug.
He’s okay with it. They’re hungry, tired and uncomfortable in their clothes so instead of being in a movie they sit under the bridge in untucked shirts and rolled up sleeves, passing plates of food and bubble tea between them, talking easily about rap songs, tattoo plans and how to deal with the fact that Donghyuk politely threatened him at the gallery (answer: when the time comes, move to Mexico if grovelling and bribery don’t work.)
There were too many people around for them to do anything else but even when they were alone, nothing happened. Even when he gets caught staring at Hanbin’s mouth as it sucks on the straw. Even with the dim light offering some cover. Even then, with the opportunity flashing at him in neon lights, nothing happened. He just took an extra big mouthful of chocolate waffle as Hanbin smiled around his straw.
But it’s okay. It’s okay, he tells himself. It will happen when it happens.
He tries not to be too disappointed when they don’t kiss goodnight either. Instead, he watches Hanbin stumble out the car, dragging his black blazer haphazardly behind him and yawning repeatedly.
“Thanks for tonight. It was good.” Hanbin says through the car window. “Maybe the next time we hang out there will be less people around though?”
“With less interrogations and threats?” He adds.
“Yeah.”
“Next time it’ll just be me and you.”
“Okay.” Hanbin yawns as he leans heavily against the passenger window. “I better go, otherwise I’ll just sleep in your car.”
Jiwon honestly wouldn’t even mind but he knows it’s probably a bit too early for that sort of thing.
“Go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Hanbin nods and rubs his eyes. It’s a move that makes him look much younger than his 25 years and Jiwon gets the urge to hug him to his chest. The fiery Hanbin is all smart words and sharp teeth that sink into his skin without mercy but the tired, sad and vulnerable Hanbin is something that scares him, not because he can’t handle it (he knows he can) but because it reaches down into his core and drags all of his protective instincts to the surface. He’d probably follow Hanbin straight into Hell if he asked him to and run twice as fast if he didn’t.
“Okay. Well, Goodnight. Thanks for the ride. Drive safely.”
“Night. Sleep well.”
Hanbin waves as he walks towards his apartment, turning back after a few steps to yell out, “Hey, text me when you get home! So I know.”
So I know.
Jiwon wonders what that means exactly. He wonders about it all the way home, right up to the moment when he gets to his door and lets his keys hang in the lock so he can type out a text.
[im home. Didn’t die. Sorry if I woke you. xxj]
He drags himself through a quick shower and throws on some clean boxers before collapsing face down onto his bed. He’s just about to drift off when he hears the muted buzz of his phone next to him.
[good. It’s too much work finding a replacement.]
[im irreplcble. thats hard to spell]
[why don’t you use auto carrot]
[whts that? Spellcheck 4 bunnies?]
[you’d know…. bunny]
[whatever you say princess]
[if you call me that i’m breaking up with you]
[but youre not allowed to]
[I’m falling asleep. Sorry. Text me when you wake up.]
[go sleep. Night. xxj]
[night bunny xxh]
It doesn’t take long to fall asleep after that, not when dreamworld beckons him in with images of dimple smiles, undercuts and rabbits.
He’s still tired when his alarm goes off at 9am but the physical lethargy is offset by the kind of mental optimism that you can only get when your life is on the right track. He stretches out underneath his warm sheets, smiling at the ceiling and watching the sun filter through the gaps in his curtains. His hand smooths over the empty space next to him and he wonders what it might be like if it wasn’t so empty one day.
Somewhere on the other side of Seoul, probably still asleep, is chaos, art and random useless facts all rolled up into a riddle wrapped enigma. But he loves chaos and he loves that that is what he belongs to now. The revelation echoes in his head, the repetition doing nothing to diminish the thrill that he gets every time he thinks about Hanbin. He buries his head into his pillow and groans loudly. When did he get this lame and embarrassing? He would never hear the end of it if June knew the truth.
He should really get up and hit the gym to sweat all this out. But not before he digs around the sheets to find his phone.
[good morning. Guess wat? Didn’t die in the night. Sorry if I woke you xxj]
His cinnamon toast cereal tastes extra sweet this morning as he watches the news and tries to catch the weather report as it scrolls across the bottom of the screen. Outside his door he can hear his apartment block waking up and coming to life, there’s already music playing, a dog barking and a child’s high pitched giggle. Has it always been this idyllic? Maybe he was imagining it. Or maybe this is what life through Rose Tinted sunglasses feels like: one long movie with a happy ending.
He’s pulling on his gym shorts when his phone buzzes with a message alert.
[hey bunny.glad you’re alive. its too early, i’m going back to sleep]
[wait are you free 2moro? I’m going to get roses for rp, want to come?]
[sure ok good night xxh]
[lol okay, btw it’s Sunny today wth the chance of a late cold front. Call me if you get bored. xxj]
It’s 11:30 and he’s just walking out the gym doors when he gets another message.
[there are like 30 different types of cereal in this new store.]
He turns on the handsfree function in his car and dials Hanbin’s number as he pulls out of the car park.
“Are you calling me? Why are you calling me? I’m buying food.” Hanbin says, as if he was completely surprised by the turn of events. “Why is it so noisy?”
“Sorry, I’m driving.”
“Going somewhere? Also: hi.”
“Hey.” It never fails to make him smile, how off kilter conversations with Hanbin can be. “Yeah I just left the gym, going to Yoyo and June’s place now because they’ve got some sort of car emergency.”
“Oh okay. I’ve got dinner with my parents tonight. I don’t know if I should bring some alcohol or a lot of alcohol.” Hanbin says glumly. “Actually, I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world for this.”
“That bad huh?”
He laughs lightly, mainly to be polite, but he really has no idea how they’re going to deal with the parent issue when the time comes. They will probably survive dinner with his parents but he has no idea what they’re going to do about Hanbin’s parents. In the back of his mind, he knows it’s unfair to paint them in a negative light before they’ve even met but at the same time, he’s learnt to never ignore his gut instincts and his gut tells him that it’s going to be difficult at best or a complete disaster.
Hanbin groans on the other end. “They’re going to get on my case about why I’m still apparently a sad single hermit. Maybe pass a few phone numbers my way because they think they’re being helpful.”
“They sound like my parents.”
“Maybe I should just tell them.” Hanbin says quietly but it comes across loud and clear and trips the alarm in his head.
“Hang on a sec.” He quickly finds a spot on a side street to pull over and park. “What do you want to tell them?”
“That I’m not single anymore. It’d be nice to tell them one less lie.” There’s a sad chuckle at the end of it that just makes him want to reach through the phone connection to hug Hanbin tightly.
“Oh. Okay, if you’re sure.” He replies, relieved. “I kinda thought you wanted tell them everything. About you and…me.”
There’s a sharp cackle on the other line, like the idea was beyond comprehension. “I’m feeling brave Jiwon, not suicidal. I don’t know what to do about that at all right now but maybe I can just get them off my back about girlfriends for awhile.”
“Aren’t they gonna want to meet her?”
“Yeah probably.”
“But she doesn’t exist.”
There’s rustling on Hanbin’s end. “Should I get Honey Nut Crunch or Froot Loops?”
The conversational whiplash disorientates him briefly before he catches up with Hanbin’s train of though.
“Froot Loops? No, don’t get that. Froot Loops are so unhealthy. It’s all sugar. Get cinnamon toast cereal. The gluten and sugar free version. That’s the one I have.”
He can practically hear Hanbin’s grimace. “Is it also taste free?”
“No!” He laughs. “It’s really good. I mean, you’re not eating wholemeal bran but at least you’re trying.”
“Well….okay.” Hanbin replies, entirely unconvinced.
“I’ll come over and eat the rest if you hate it.”
“Win-Win situation for you there.” Hanbin says flatly. “Look at how that turned out.”
“Yeah, amazing.” He smiles to himself before his mind returns to what they were talking about before. “So hey, are you really sure you want to just tell your parents? Won’t it create like 10 more problems for you?”
Okay, so he’s selfish. He was looking forward to spending some stress-free time with Hanbin now that everything had settled down. The thought of going through the complicated aspects of their relationship all over again just makes him want to go back to sleep.
“You think I should wait?”
“It’s up to you, Hanbin. If you feel like you want to tell them, then that’s what you should do.” He says, trying to be supportive despite his inner monologue.
“But?”
“But what?”
“You want to say something about it. I can tell.”
“No….it’s your decision.” He says carefully.
There’s a loud sigh. “Jiwon. Just tell me. I’m asking.”
He takes a breath. “Well, I was just thinking that it’s not always a good idea to tell them things like that without having some kind of plan. I mean, at least have a back up girl to help bail you out if they want to meet her last minute. That’s what parents like to do, spring these surprise attacks. It happened to me and look where I am now- still going on pointless church dates.”
There’s a sigh and pause as Hanbin thinks about his words. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I haven’t thought it through properly.”
He exhales slowly in relief. “Yeah, there will be other chances to tell them.”
“You know this means I’ll probably have to go on some fake dates then? Like you did?”
“It’s okay. Just be really boring. She’ll probably never call you again.”
“Is that what you do?”
“Sometimes. I usually just play the friendzone and drop in a few really polarising things. Like wanting 7 kids and moving to an apple orchard. There’s been approximately zero second dates after that.” He says with a laugh.
“Really? That sounds kinda nice though. Well, maybe not seven kids. Maybe four.”
He freezes mid laugh. Hanbin’s earnest consideration of his ridiculous date tactics takes him by surprise.
“I was joking Hanbin.”
“No you weren’t. 50% of all jokes are true.”
There’s no one around but he blushes anyway. “That sounds like something you just made up.”
“It’s legit I swear! I read it somewhere. I bet you really do want to have a bunch of kids on a farm. Right?”
“Maybe.” He says noncommittally.
There’s laughter on the other end. “Knew it. You live in the 1950s but it’s a cute dream to have. I’ll remember to drop something like that on my fake date.”
“Wait a second. You said four kids. You want to have four kids?”
“Yeah. Maybe? One day.”
“Oh. Cool.”
It’s then that his mind does that annoying thing where it takes an idea and fills his head with all sorts of futurescape images. What would Hanbin’s kids look like? What would his kids look like? Does Hanbin think his kids will be their kids? How can he get out of this conversation?
It gives him a headache thinking too far into the future. He never used to think about the details but lately, he catches himself staring at couples with small children and dreaming of scenarios which weren’t so impossible. He’s optimistic but he’s also realistic, there’s a line in the sky and having biological kids was so far beyond the line that it was in the realms of impossible fiction.
“Hey? You still there?”
“Yeah Yeah. I’m still here.”
“I better go. I need to get the shopping done before I go pick up my sister from dance class.”
He breathes out another sigh of relief. He loves talking to Hanbin but there are times when serious topics just sneak up on them and it gets too much, even over the phone.
“Yeah I need to go too. Text me later, about your dinner?”
“Yeah I will.”
“And I guess I’ll come over at like 10 tomorrow? If you still want to come to June’s?”
“Yeah, I’ll be ready.”
“Cool. Okay.” There’s an awkward pause because he’s never been good at saying goodbye. No matter how overwhelming their conversations gets, when the time comes there’s always a part of him that’s reluctant to let go, even if it’s only temporary. “Well umm…”
“Say bye, you loser.” Hanbin laughs on the other end.
“Okay! Fine. BYE.”
“Bye bunny. See you tomorrow.”
“Okay, bye.”
“And now you hang up.”
“Okay.” His finger hovers over the End-Call button but he can’t make himself push it.
“You’re still there.”
“Yup.”
“Okay well, there’s an old lady giving me death glares at the checkout so I really have to go. Bye bunny!”
Hanbin hangs up first. It’s how he prefers their calls to go because there’s something so difficult about hanging up on Hanbin. Or dropping him off and watching him walk away. Or being awake and knowing he’s still sleeping. He tells himself that he’ll be completely fine watching Hanbin go on fake dates but he knows it won’t be that simple when it happens.
Shaking his head, he starts the car to rejoin the flow of traffic.
The sun is setting by the times he gets home from fixing Yoyo’s car and has a second shower to wash off all the sweat and grease. He’s on the couch watching Iron Chef when the phone buzzes on the coffee table.
[pls save me]
[what happened? want me to come get you?]
[i said SAVE ME. not GET ME KILLED]
[how drunk are you]
[not drunk at all]
[tragedy, sorry for your loss]
[i miss you]
The message surprises him with its suddenness. He knows Hanbin can be unpredictable but he’s always taken aback by just how much it knocks him off his feet.
[i miss you too. U ok? Bc i can really come and get you]
[yeah I’m fine. Hanbyul’s distracting them with her ballet trophy.]
[she won something?]
[they give them out to every kid]
[lolz don’t be rude]
[I’m not! It’s the truth. Ahhhh I gotta go. xxh]
[ok call me later. xxj]
It’s midnight and he’s in bed watching the late 24-hour news when his phone lights up next to him.
[are you still up?]
He can’t think of a decent short reply so dials Hanbin’s number instead.
“It was horrible.” Hanbin says as soon as he picks up.
“Wanna tell me all about it?”
“They were on my back for twenty minutes about being a weird recluse and well, long story short, they gave my number to my dad’s business partner’s daughter. So I’m basically fucked, no matter how it ends.”
“Oh…..Shit.”
“Yeah.” Hanbin agrees miserably.
“Well….” He starts, trying to be positive but trailing off when he can’t think of anything to say. Hanbin, on the other hand, has plenty to say.
“It’s so bad. I just know it. If she hates me, she’ll tell her parents. Then they’ll tell my parents. And it might be weird at their company. That will get my dad pissed at me. Again. Even though I don’t even like girls and told them all night that I was too busy to have a relationship! Why do I have to deal with this stupid fucking situation Jiwon? On my list of stupid fucking situations, this would have to be number 1.”
“Are you drunk?”
“A little bit.”
“Are you at home?”
“YES.”
“Okay, good. But listen, don’t worry too much about it Hanbin. We’ll figure something out when it happens.”
“Why can’t we figure it out now?” Hanbin whines.
“Because it’s midnight and she hasn’t called you yet.” He reasons.
“Why can’t you just fix this?!”
He laughs despite their situation. “I promise I’ll think of something. It’ll be okay. I got through them, you will too.”
There’s a heavy dramatic sigh on the other end before Hanbin’s sleepy voice comes through again, this time accompanied by a yawn. “I’m in bed. Tell me something. I don’t want to think about girls anymore.”
“Umm, what do you want to hear?”
“Tell me about your seven kids and apple orchard. What kind of kids are you gonna have? And what kind of apples?”
The request catches him off guard, he didn’t expect this conversation to come back so soon. Or at all.
“Oh. Um. Probably all kinds of apples. I need to do some research on Apple species. You know any Apple experts?”
“I’m an Apple expert. I like the red ones and the Macbook Pro.”
“So helpful. Real expert.”
“Tell me more. I want to fall asleep.”
“Okay. Well. Firstly, no offence, but I’m gonna need an expert who knows more about apples than “red” and “laptop”. I kinda want to live on one of those big properties where the dogs and kids and chickens can run everywhere. We’ll have to get one of those gigantic country farmhouses with a billion bedrooms because if the kids are gonna be anything like you, they’ll all want their own rooms.”
There’s no protest so he continues.
“I heard you can do a lot with apples though. You eat them, juice them, dry them, make all sorts of stuff with them, including pie! I’m not completely crazy you know. It might be a fake dream but I did attempt some research to make it sound legit.”
“Anyways, it’d be really cool sitting on the back porch and watching the sun set over all the trees. It’ll probably be really quiet and so far away from the city that you could probably see all those galaxies that you’re obsessed with.”
He waits for a response but gets none.
“Hanbin?” When there’s only breathing on the other line, he knows that Hanbin fell asleep. “Well. That’s the dream anyway. Goodnight baby.”
*
The birds chirp gleefully outside his window but Hanbin wants to die.
Actually, he wants to kill his phone first then follow it straight into hell.
“What?!” He grumbles into the offending device.
“It’s 9am.” Jiwon’s voice comes through, slightly concerned. “You okay? You don’t have to-”
“No. I want to.” He insists, despite his head spinning and his body protesting loudly as he stretches in bed.
“Okay. See you soon.”
He’s hungover and so dizzy that takes him three attempts to open the toothpaste cap and even longer to differentiate the shampoo bottle from the conditioner. It’s a relief when he finally sits down on his couch and eats cinnamon toast cereal without the world spinning around him.
Jiwon knocks on his door at 10:03am. He wanted to tease him about the promptness but decides against it, partly because his brain wasn’t exactly back online yet but mainly because Jiwon looked so adorable standing in his doorway like a hopeful prom date.
“Sorry I fell asleep on you last night. Your voice does that.” He says as he settles into the (now very familiar) passenger’s seat.
“My voice puts you to sleep?” Jiwon teases.
“Yeah it does. It’s sedating….but in a good way.” He knows that he must sound completely spaced out right now and wonders if Jiwon will pick up on it.
“So you don’t remember anything I said?”
“No, I do. Something about apple orchards and friendzoning girls and having seven kids.”
Jiwon looks over with a cautious expression. “That’s it? You don’t remember the rest?”
He racks his brain but he can barely remember what he just had for breakfast. “No. Should I have? Was it something memorable?”
Jiwon shakes his head, oddly relieved. “No no, nothing major.” There’s a grin at the end of it before the Beast roars into life down the street.
He’s feeling more human by the time they walk through the doors of June’s tattoo shop.
“Ahh look, it’s dumb and dumber! Finally here to ruin my fucking day.” June says brightly from his position in the counter.
“You really need to work on your greetings.” Jiwon says.
“It’s part of my charm.” June winks before hopping off the counter. He hugs Jiwon despite the protests before coming over to pat Hanbin on the shoulder. “Hey Hanbin. How’ve you been? This kid giving you any grief?”
“Of course he is. It’s driving me crazy.” He says with a smile.
“Knew it!” June says loudly. “Return him to the store and get an upgrade! He’s literally 2000 and late- a completely useless and out of date model.”
“Shut up Grandpa!” Jiwon calls out from the back kitchen.
“Ahh everything feels normal again.” June sighs. “Hey! I need to show you something. I got a book on geometrical line tattoos. Thought you might like something in it.”
Hanbin’s oddly flattered by the thoughtfulness “Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.”
A heavy book is thrust into his hands as they settle into their seats. He flips through the pages, breathing in the new book smell and mentally ticking off some designs he already likes.
Jiwon comes back out and hands him a cow print mug. “Black. No milk. No sugar.”
“Thanks.” He smiles over the rim of the mug, feeling lame and dopey.
“You’re welcome.” Jiwon smiles back.
June rolls his eyes between them. “And yet he forgets my birthday.”
Jiwon breaks the eye contact to scowl. “That was one time and you said I was forgiven when I got you the PS3.”
“Did I? That doesn’t seem like something I’d say at all.”
Jiwon groans. “Can we just get started? Instead of sitting around and arguing like always?”
“You’re right. We can work and continue to argue like always.” June says with a nod.
Hanbin settles in his chair as the ink gun buzzes into life. He sticks Post-It notes on the pages of the design book that interest him and feels his worries melt away. It was a weird combination really, the contrast between the sterile smell of alcohol disinfectant and the familiar herbal fragrance from the tea Jiwon made. It was almost as contradictory as the mechanical sound of the tattoo gun bouncing off the soothing peach coloured walls to accompany the Al Green song that June has playing over the speakers. It was mismatched and scrappy and strange but he loves it. It all reminds him of Jiwon in a way; how he was the perfect combination of hard industrial angles and soft warm smiles.
He is so deep inside his head that he completely misses the conversation happening in front of him.
“Right Hanbin?”
He looks up, dazed. “Huh?”
“Warren G is the better rapper but Dre is the better producer, right?”
“Bullshit.” June replies. “Dre is better at both.”
“They’re step-brothers.” He says absentmindedly.
“That’s so not answering the question.” June mutters.
He shakes the cobwebs from his fuzzy mind and starts again. “Well, Warren has a smoother technique if you’re only arguing about the west coast rap style. Dre is definitely better at producing though. Eminem wouldn’t be anywhere without Dre. So yeah, Warren might be the slightly better rapper but Dre’s definitely the better producer.”
They both stare at him before Jiwon looks across as June with a smug smile. “Told you so.”
June turns the ink gun back on. “Oh great, you’re gonna start arguing as a team now? I’m so excited about this new development.” He says blandly.
Jiwon gives him a wink, which wasn’t so much a wink as a co-ordinated blink with both eyes.
“Maybe Yoyo can come here and help you win all these arguments then?” Hanbin says as politely as he can.
Jiwon laughs loudly, trying not to move his arm but failing miserably.
June gives them both a withering look before turning the ink gun off again. “Okay. Very funny. You’re very funny over there Hanbin. But you just made your idiot boyfriend here move so one of the roses is now a bit crooked. Congratulations, you both played yourselves!”
Jiwon looks over at him with a grin. “Totally worth it.”
“Ahh, let’s take a break. Your ugly face is annoying and my back is kinda killing me today.” June announces, stretching in his chair before going outside with his cup of tea.
Hanbin wanders over and sits in June’s seat, peering at the bloody mess of lines on Jiwon’s forearm. “Sorry about the rose.”
“I’m not. You should’ve seen his face! It’s been ages since I’ve seen someone take a shot at his ego.”
Hanbin gives him a wry smile. “You want another cup of tea?”
“Yeah, thanks baby.”
It comes out so easily and casually but he still freezes like a deer in headlights, unsure what to do or say as the butterflies in his stomach zoom around like they’re all on acid.
“Sorry. It just came out.” Jiwon says quickly.
“It’s okay. No big deal.” He says in a strained voice before walking off into the kitchen to fill the kettle with shaky hands.
He’s standing at the bench waiting for the kettle to boil when he can hear Jiwon shuffling in behind him.
“You don’t like it. The name.” It was more a statement than a question.
Hanbin shakes his head but doesn’t turn around. “No, I like it. I’ve just never been called that before. It was just kinda weird, that’s all.”
He feels a breath against the back of his neck and the heat radiating off Jiwon’s body as he comes to stand behind him. “Is it cool enough for you?”
“No. It’s terrible.” He says, smiling to himself.
Two tattooed arms come to rest on either side of him, caging him in the middle. His heart races in anticipation as he stares at Richard Parker’s tail and the new crooked rose on Jiwon’s tanned skin.
“So you’re okay if I keep calling you that?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“Okay…baby…”
The way it comes out sends a shiver all the way down his spine. There’s lips against his ear, it’s barely a touch but it makes him so giddy that he feels like he’s about to jump off a cliff or do something equally stupid.
And then he hears it again, in Jiwon’s deep rough growl, the one that’s gentle but demanding and playful but emphatically possessive.
“Baby…”
After that, Hanbin couldn’t stop himself from turning around even if he wanted to. He sees shiny half hooded eyes for a split second before Jiwon leans down and closes the small distance between them, his mouth fitting over Hanbin’s with a soft warm pressure.
Jiwon tastes like earl grey tea and cinnamon toast cereal and he kisses like he lives life: confident, curious, full of purpose and with no room for doubt.
And messy.
If there’s one word to describe Jiwon, messy would be the first thing that comes to mind.
Hanbin is pressed against the bench as their kiss deepens, his lips already feeling swollen and there’s so much saliva between them that he can feel it across his jaw. His hands grabs the front of Jiwon’s t-shirt when he feels an insistent tongue trying to lick his mouth open, they both moan when he finally does.
But just as he’s trying to remember everything about the moment the kettle suddenly begins it’s high pitched and obnoxious beeping. It takes him by surprise, startling his eyes open and making him jump forward to twist his hands into the fabric of Jiwon’s tshirt so forcibly that he feels it stretching and protesting.
“Fuck that’s loud.” Jiwon remarks as he pulls away, slightly out of breath. He reaches over to turn the kettle off and starts laughing when he sees Hanbin’s stunned face. “You okay? Had another heart attack?”
Hanbin narrows his eyes and shoves at the solid chest in front of him. “Yes you jerk! Don’t pretend like it didn’t scare you too.”
“Maybe a little.” Jiwon murmurs before pulling him back against his chest. “Come back here. Kiss me again.”
Hanbin carefully grabs his right arm above the reddened tattooed area and leans back in. It’s just as hot and sweet and infuriatingly good as the first time. He’s tries to catalogue every happy sound Jiwon makes, the way he tastes and the hard wall of muscle underneath his soft worn-in t-shirt.
It’s then that the front door slams shut, followed by June’s sheepish, “Sorry, it’s just me! My bad!”
They reluctantly break for a second time, Jiwon frowning and groaning in frustration. “Why is the universe cock blocking me?” He mutters.
Hanbin colours at the choice of words. “I don’t know. Did you pay your taxes this year?”
“Yes! And now I’m being punished.” Jiwon whines, indignant.
They hear June shuffling around the main room so Hanbin smooths out the front of Jiwon’s tshirt and pushes him away.
“Go. I’ll bring out the tea. I don’t want him asking about this. You know he’s gonna tease you all day.”
“Hey by the way, if he ever hears you calling me bunny, he’ll never take me seriously again.”
Hanbin gives him a smile as he reaches up to wipe at Jiwon’s lower lip with his thumb. “He never took you seriously to begin with. Now go, bunny.”
Jiwon leans in to give him one last kiss in his cheek. “Okay, baby.”
He gives Hanbin a dopey smile as he backs out of the kitchen. Hanbin shakes his head but does nothing to stop his own dopey smile from forming.
It takes him twice as long to make the tea this time. He has to stop and replay what just happened, occasionally touching his lips to see if he can still feel anything on them.
He pours the tea carefully and tries to keep his face neutral when he brings it out to the main room, sneaking looks at Jiwon’s face when he and June are both peering down at the inky roses and discussing the best way to fix the crooked lines (Jiwon asks that they stay crooked).
Before he can stop himself, he lets out a sigh that’s way too loud and causes both guys to look over.
“What was that for? We keeping you up?” June asks. “You need colouring books over there?”
He scoffs. “Is that what Yoyo does when you’re annoying him?”
June gives him sullen look before turning to Jiwon, “Can you get a new boyfriend? This one is too salty.”
“Nope, sorry bro. I’m keeping him forever.” Jiwon laughs happily and gives him another wink. Stupidly enough, right in the middle of all his thoughts, the only thing Hanbin can think about is the fact that Jiwon still can’t wink properly.
Oh well. He wants to stay forever and wonky winks are only a small price to pay.
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