#a little draft before i go to bed
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00fairylights00 · 1 year ago
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Hypersomnolence
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Haha funny story, I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder in November after struggling with it unknowingly for give or take 18 months. Turns out I’m not crazy and falling asleep against your will multiple times a day is actually not a good or normal thing.
So permit me to write the puppet like a sap as I need this right now lol. Yes these are in fact all things I experienced but I am medicated for them now hooray!
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One task, that was all you’d managed to get through today. You felt sick and heavy, opting to sit on the cold ground before your body made you, it was a battle to stay awake as sleep attacked you again.
It was only early afternoon and you’d struggled through your one task of sweeping, you were certain everyone at the hotel thought you to be lazy, even if they’d all told you otherwise.
You’d been sick like this for a long time, long before the petrification disease or the puppet frenzy, both events having a negative effect on the way you’d usually manage your symptoms. 
And while you appreciated the sanctity you’d been spared at Hotel Krat, the nagging feeling of needing to repay Lady Antonia for her kindness was not helping your case.
You sat with your head in your hands, slipping in and out of consciousness, losing the battle again. Usually, Polendina would find you, send you to your room to rest and that would be it for the day, once you were in bed you found it hard to do much of anything else. Which you supposed was good for your body but it made your emotional well-being an absolute wreck.
Lady Antonia had asked you time and time again to be kinder to yourself, to feel accomplished of the things you could do and that you were welcome here no matter how sick you were, and she would know a thing or two about being sick.
But, you had a bad habit of being nasty to yourself, and with your sleep-related illness only seeming to get worse you couldn’t remember the last time you’d spoken kindly to yourself.
You felt like shit.
A hand at your shoulder, delicate and tender shook you but it didn’t do much to rouse you. Your vision swam uncomfortably through the gaps in your fingers, your head being too heavy to lift up. Hands grasped your wrists, pulling gently to reveal your face that was then taken into those same hands, one soft and warm, the other firm and cold.
With the weight of your head now being supported by P’s hands you could somewhat force yourself to look at him. His expression was unreadable, as always, but his presence was a balm to your spiralling thoughts.
The friendship of Geppetto’s Puppet had been good for you, P didn’t care how tired you were he was just happy to see you, he didn’t expect anything but your presence and that was something you could give freely, tired or not.
He tilted his head in question to what you assumed to be your position on the floor, slumped over rather uncomfortably.
“It just came on, I had to sit down,” you mumbled, he seemed to frown, getting down on one knee and shifting you against him to pick you up.
With you cradled to his chest, he ascended the stairs. You burrowed down against his chest, relishing in how nice it was to be looked after. 
It was almost like the trip up to your room didn’t happen, one moment you were snug to P’s chest, the next you were under your sheets and propped up against the headboard. P took it upon himself to remove his shoes and coat and sit on the opposite side of the bed to keep you company.
“Sleepy?” P asked innocently, you nodded trying desperately to suppress another yawn. 
“I-“ he started, a thoughtful look crossing his face, “-want to help. How do I help?”
He gently took your hand in his own, his thumb rubbing over your knuckles. The astounding amount of care he treated you with was sure to tear you apart in the best ways, making your exhausted mind spin.
“Just stay here with me for a bit,” You laid your head on his shoulder, “I think that’ll help.”
“Okay.”
He mimicked you, resting his head on top of yours, pulling the sheets further up your lap. Doing what he could to keep you comfortable, a concept he was still trying to grasp.
“Thank you P,” you mumbled, snuggling closer, “love you.”
He pressed a gentle kiss to your head, nose buried in your hair, “I love you too.”
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boombambaby · 1 month ago
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when I hit 300 followers, I'm gonna do a 'followers forever' thingy.
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shatterthefragments · 7 days ago
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Wait. Y’all. Y’all.
I’m older than the character/persona I created ages ago (who never changed age in my head). That I never thought I’d reach the age of let alone surpass?!
I’m fucking ALIVE.
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msommers · 4 months ago
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did you mean: blorbo with eternal anger issues
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icewindandboringhorror · 8 months ago
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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seventh-district · 7 months ago
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#Seven's Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#can i go more than a fucking week without having my cptsd triggered again? pLEASE???#me and my haywire nervous system can't ever catch a fucking break i swear to god#at least i managed to get the Matt fic posted before that happened and ruined my night#literally three minutes after i hit post. something has to happen IRL and ruin my slight good mood. sigh. anyways#my chest still feels tight but my focus is coming back i think. lets hope the rest of the night is uneventful#anyways. uh. positives. got the Matt fic posted on here And Ao3! yay. after working on it the last two evenings it's officially done#i know i put way too much effort into my fics especially ones that will get very little readership but eh i can't help it#time spent doing something you enjoy is never time wasted or however the saying goes#uh oh. the stress injury in my neck is starting to feel tight again. that's probably not a great sign#i should try to relax. been sitting at my desk too much recently and my back's mad abt it too#i would unwind with some Genshin exploration grinding or smthn but that's just more desk sitting time#so hm. animal crossing in bed it is then#watch me say that then spend the next 3 hours on tumblr#i cant help it i want to update my pinned posts and fill my queue up some more#and i have some drafts to work on... still need to finish that Sun & Moon appearance guide for ES#maybe i'll pull an all-nighter. i need to fix my sleep schedule again. like badly. but then i risk a migraine. aaggghhhhhh#anyways this has been Venting and Bad Decision Making 101 thabks for coming to my TED talk#oh hey look at that i got a like on the Matt fic. mood slightly improved. thank u whoever u r <3
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crossbackpoke-check · 3 months ago
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I just need you to know I was reading your tags on the Sillinger/Fantilli Deadpool/Wolverine gifset going "YES THE EYE CONTACT! AND COLE'S WHOLE FACE JOURNEY! AND *OH MY GOD* ADAM'S HAND ALMOST BUT NOT GRIPPING AT COLE'S BICEP" like that near grip Adam took had me fainting like a fucking Victorian era man who saw a woman's bare ankles like W.H.A.T.
I neeeeed to write them omg.
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ANON. ANON!!!! please. write them!!!!! and send me a link if/when you do 😇 i’ll prepare my fainting couch (the floor)
#shout out to the columbus blues org for last year deciding they were going to pair up adam and cole for all their nhl (???) playoff media#we really. i still have the world’s worst powerpoint presented by adam and cole in my drafts somewhere and i can’t post it#bc i wanted to make a fake PowerPoint to put on the screen as a joke & it was funny but i didn’t write it down before I went to bed so :/#liv in the replies#also like. what was up w/that nhl?? why them 😭 not complaining just so confused. adam hype wasn’t at its peak NOR was tate mcrae revenge#so they really were like. Hmmm. I like these two little freaks. this one is well-trained. let’s use him#like do you ever think about the blessing that the UMich social girlies bestow on nhl media teams by training all of these men so well.#they do not skip a SINGLE question they will be bullied into it they will give you an answer even if it’s stupid god bless.#adam fantilli#cole sillinger#columbus blue jackets#i REFUSE to admit defeat at the hands of the umich boys#worm. worm. WORM!!!#as we all know i don’t have the slightest idea who cole sillinger is irl but i DO want him to be involved with his teammates.#love thy goalie love thy stunning star prospect… OHHHHH NARRATIVE UNLOCKED OH NOOOOO COLE KNOWS HE’S NOT THAT GOOD SO HE TAKES CARE OF#EVERYONE ELSEEEEEE OH NOOOOOO this message brought to you a) by my elvis merzlikins agenda at all time so that whole sentence but b) by me#mid-realization trying to be like Cole’s not like. bad right you can’t say this but then remembering everyone pulling out his stats to do#him dirty while the whole tate mcrae breakup/release of details was going down and i was like oh actually. like he could be. ALSO on that#note which was so messy i do have to say that news was a shock bc i knew cole sillinger from years prior when everyone held him up like a#bug they pulled from under a rock like who is THIS after he sat front row at fashion week to support his gf so. the threads of this ALSO#come from the initial vision of ‘damn isn’t this a nice one?? a nice hockey??? like lmfaoooo you guys he’s the wag and loves it’) but. this#is also my failing as a storyteller that I love this and will put it in everything but. service kink accommodating for others to give what#he thinks he can’t to allow them to be better. also just. i watched him clean adam fantilli’s floors you can’t go up from that. ANYWAY
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scionshtola · 10 months ago
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it is so hard for me not to post every single thought i have on here the moment i have it
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byanyan · 2 years ago
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okay i have enough prompts left to do one final round of texting answers tomorrow so i think i'm gonna call it there for the night! after that i'll get my ass on some drafts again. i think i just needed some quick, fun lil things to catch my breath with so!! tysm to everyone who shoved those into my inbox!! ♡♡♡
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gremlinshatephilosophers · 24 days ago
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I’m an old school believer that some tasks are designated for computers, but lately I think I’ve been editing better on my phone? Like I write fics on my laptop (in bed under a million blankets because I’m perpetually cold of course) but I always get a bit stuck after an hour or two writing. And now I go back to the phone at night when I don’t wanna be blinded by my laptop screen. It started with little edits because I know when I write at night I have a slightly different mood and energy that sometimes I need to put in writing before I forget in the morning. But today I wrote a few hundred words on my phone and it felt very wrong yet it 100% forced me to finish the story.
For some things i have to use my phone anyway (pound symbols and accent marks and such) but the dark mode in the app helps me see it better. The different aspect ratio really makes mistakes and odd phrasing stand out. And honestly? On my phone I’ll just type something for the sake of it or delete it or whatever and it’s fine in my head. It doesn’t have to be perfect, I’ll fix it later. And so I end up actually getting a baseline down in places where I’m stuck.
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rmayuscula · 5 months ago
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age gap autumn girl fuck you
#laid down on his bed he asks if i’m alright with him locking the door i say should i be afraid of you locking the door he rolls his eyes#i’m watching a pot on his stove we’re alone in his apartment he’s standing right behind me and i look at the glass of his kitchen window#so i can catch his reflection he’s just standing there waiting for his vegan pasta his meatless dish but i still feel like prey this#weekend i shared a hotel room with the kids they came over at night to watch a game and they’re all cuddled up around me they’re all#laughing and laughing and laughing and telling me about their exes and their boyfriends and i’m under the arm of one of them and he says#kitty kitty you’re going to fall off the bed i rest my head on another’s calf and she says kitty your hair is so soft and they’re all#laughing#i keep this in my drafts and a month after it's freezing at night i'm looking up at a man that might be fifty or at least forty five i#ask his name which i don't remember now because i was plastered. i was so drunk i tell him mister whatever-his-name was you're so handsome#and he blushes like i'm the one chasing him and that's because i am. i am laughing with all of my teeth out. he giggles pretty like i've#spent years doing and i ask him what is it sir what is it and he says i'm not usually told that and i nudge a little more i say you don't?#how? you're so handsome i say it in the way they all taught me in the way i've heard it before i keep going until he leaves for his place#but he doesn't invite me back because it's clear i've made him uncomfortable so i frown a little and lean back towards the boy i made out#with the night before i tell him huh old guy won't fuck me and he laughs he says so you really like them older i say yeah i laugh#i laugh and then i say but they don't seem to like me anymore he makes a joke about me having cut my hair short and i say no it's because#i'm too old for them now and he shakes his head do you see how fucked up that is he tells me and i just laugh harder but don't tell him it#is the truth. but not the whole of it. the rest of the truth is in me prowling through the bars another night and making eyes at them#instead of baring my neck when they come at me it's in me growing into a man in the steel of elevators and their sheets in the ac of their#offices and the heat of their cars and outgrowing them not to turn away from them but to become them that salivating beast they all are#all of us are i lean back on walls and show them a hip a boot-ed-on foot that is still small a wrist that is still thin a jaw that still#won't grow fuzz but don't they see right through they see right through this too small costume i've put on for them in the same way i#used to swear i saw through them too i swore i saw them for what they were but without even noticing they've done what they do in movies#and books and songs and middle-school health classes like in every warning that was given to me but here in this far away country i just#laugh and laugh harder when he says it makes sense though i mean i'm older than you too and he's only 24 and he says it so boyishly#almost with a pout and i cackle and he laughs too and there we are and we sound like children there in the street
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whatyoutaughtwasfear · 5 months ago
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Literally just cracked the plot of From wide open feeling like a GENIUS
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roomba-mangga · 7 months ago
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rubber ducking my way through these revisions... i'm at the point where the thing is complete but not polished and the polishing phase never stops driving me nuts
#(sits my thistle charm down for a talk) pasensya na kuya i have to put you in a situation#falin thistle gothic fic is pretty much a done deal na but. the revisions... cries#there's a subplot i'm not sure i should add re: the winged lion but i feel that would be tangential#every thistle fic i write is like 'what the Fuck do i do with the demon'#in gothic au there's a scene where it speaks to falin from behind bed curtains but for the most part#thistle is the 'antagonist' in that one. shame bc the setting is ripe for demon nonsense it's just not the point ://#at best there could be a scene where falin gets a hold of the book but relinquishes it to her fucked up little friend#also got a yaad thistle au draft inspired by children's books where i'm not sure how strongly to push the abuser metaphor#before it creates tonal dissonance and detracts from the story... it feels important to include#and i don't want to shy away from that but it's a balancing act for sure. don't think the demon is actually going to show up in person tho#the only draft where the demon is the central focus is the laios thistle mythic fantasy one but that's on the backburner#didn't mean for this word vomit to be Demon Feature but alright#falin&thistle gothic horror: a little chatty. appears in maybe 2-3 scenes to be a manipulative creep#yaad&thistle quiet fantasy: ominous background presence. personification of the world. appears in visions/symbols but never speaks#laios&thistle mythic fantasy: the only reason i haven't written this yet is because the fucker is going to be talking So Goddamn Much in it#roomba writes
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mvndrvke · 8 months ago
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let me write stark family content damn it
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seventh-district · 4 months ago
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youtube
uh oh! it’s Seven’s Dean Winchester Kinnie Hours again!
#cw vent#vent post#you know what that means! time to be cringe and obnoxious on main like it’s 2020 again! 😃#i’ve had this entire video memorized for years atp and every rewatch is just as cathartic. it doesn’t get old to me.#No Sam I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay.#Look. I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you.#For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about—I DON’T NEED IT.#This weight on my shoulders man I’m tired of it.#ig my only complaint abt the video is how the gun in his hand is cropped out of that clip. it added a certain Vibe y’know#People—people /pray/ to you.#Bobby I’m not even supposed to BE here.#l m a o couldn’t even finish making this post before i had to draft it and go make a sandwich for a man i hate. what a life. anyways#mf you didn’t ‘go to bed hungry’ u had fish for dinner and i made u a sandwich an hour ago. but i’ll make another one!!!#a n y w a y#I couldn’t save mom. […] I can’t even save a scared little kid.#I’m okay. I’M OKAY. I swear the next person that asks me if I’m okay—I’m gonna start throwing punches.#This—Inside me… I wish I couldn’t feel anything Sammy.#The things that I saw? There aren’t words. There is no ‘forgetting’. There’s no making it better.#impressive that i can recall that many lines with the absolute trainwreck in my mind rn. the Power Of Blorbo Hyperfixation ig#anyways enough quoting a random spn amv or whatever they’re called. i have shit to do#vent blogging#Seven’s Public Diary#i guess#no other organization tags bc i don’t want this in the fandom tags. im just venting and being cringe bc it’s all i’ve got left lmao#well it’s not All i’ve got but it’s one of the least destructive options#unless were talking destruction of my public perception but y’all already know i’m cringe and insane#god my head is fucking killing me. ok im done. for now. gotta go clean dog piss out of the carpet#Youtube
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ceilidho · 3 months ago
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Buttermilk
It doesn't take long to settle into the rhythm of your new summer job. Or: the babysitter x single dad au
Part 1 | masterlist
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“I’m not looking for a babysitter that can only come by every now and then,” he says sternly and pauses for emphasis, brows furrowing to convey the seriousness of the situation. “I’ve got a busy schedule and his mom isn’t in the picture. I need a real commitment.”
You sit across from him wringing your hands under the kitchen table, wondering again what it is you’re doing here. Babysitting has never been your schtick; you’re somewhere in between too old to do it as a casual gig for extra cash and too young and inexperienced to be considered for a full-time position. 
Yet, it seems like that’s what he’s looking for, based on the information he’s told you and your general impression from having been in his house for less than twenty minutes. The house is a mess—toys strewn across the baby’s bedroom and the living room, dishes crusted with day old food sitting in the sink, the bookshelf in his study covered in a fine layer of dust that tells you that this man spends so little time in his own house that it’s become something of a requiem to single fatherhood. 
“So, a nanny?” you ask.
He hems and haws over that for a bit. “Bit too fancy for my tastes, but that’s more like it. It won’t just be watching the baby—I need someone who can help out around the house as well. ‘Used to run a tight ship before him, but cleaning’s not been my highest priority these days. Sure you’ve picked up on that.” He says the last part wryly, lips curling up into a crooked grin under his mustache. 
“Well…” You trail off while glancing at the mess in the living room out of the corner of your eye, toys and blocks scattered over the playmat. Your own smile is sheepish. 
“I work odd hours, so I’ll be gone a lot; you’ll probably have a few late nights here, but I pay well. Think that’s something you can handle?”
A polite refusal sits on the tip of your tongue until you swallow it back, suddenly conscious again of the dwindling funds in your bank account. It’s not that you don’t think you could handle the job. You’ve babysat before (only preteens, you correct yourself internally, but surely there are some transferable skills there). And, eclipsing all of your arguments in favour of walking out the door right now, is the very salient and pressing need for an actual income. 
“You’re military, you said?” you croak out instead.
He nods, hums. “Bit of a glorified desk job these days. They don’t put the old timers out in the field. Still, keeps me busy.”
You frown at that. “You’re not that old.”
That gets him to cock an eyebrow. “Love, I’m over twice your age, easy. I’m plenty old for a first time father on top of that; should’ve already been an old hand at this, but I’ve been married to the job for too long.”
You don’t ask if the baby was an accident or how it came to be that he chose to raise the baby on his own rather than try to work something out with the mother or give him up altogether. It seems uncouth. Rude. It’s none of your business and, more to the point, hardly relevant to the job. It’s just your own insatiable need to pry and know every little detail raising its head to sniff the air. 
“Well, I think—” You chew on your words and then backtrack. “—I can handle the job. I live nearby, so I can be here whenever you need me. If you need references, I can—”
“No need,” he cuts you off, waving a hand in front of him. “I’m a good judge of character. If you wanna help put the baby to bed, we can talk salary and I’ll go over my schedule this week with you.”
The chair scrapes against the tile floor when he stands up, pushing it out from under him. Standing, he towers over you, a big, fit man despite his protests to the contrary. Hardly out of his prime. You’d put him at forty-five at the latest, and still a work horse of a man at that; broad like a draft horse, like he flips tires and runs marathons for fun. When you push out your chair and stand as well, you’re still forced to look up at him. 
“Sure can, Mister…—?” You realize with a slight start that you only remember his first name, though it hardly feels appropriate to call him by that given the fact that he’s about to become your boss. Already is your boss. 
“Price. But John works just fine,” he corrects, his smile warm, almost paternalistic. 
You ignore the flash of heat up your spine and the way your belly constricts when he reaches across the table to shake your hand. His big, calloused palm dwarfs yours, fingers easily overlapping. You might as well be shaking a mitt. 
“Well, thanks for the job, John,” you say with a smile of your own, ignoring the way yours strains at the end, anxiety already gnawing a hole through the lining of your stomach that your stomach acid will now most certainly leak through. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t, sweetheart.”
His words seem like a bellwether for something that you can’t yet articulate or even anticipate. Regardless, they make you swallow reflexively when you start salivating out of nowhere. You should probably quit on the spot actually, just out of principle alone, but again you remember the gut-churning sensation of checking your bank balance in the middle of the grocery store the other day before putting half of the contents of your cart back onto the shelf beside you. 
You follow him into the playroom instead, where a fuzzy headed infant gasps up at his daddy, blinking big lovestruck eyes up at him. Your own heart feels like a melted caramel in your chest when John picks his son up, eyes crinkling with affection. The baby is so tiny in his arms.
Any thought of being a good person evaporates from your mind. As if you ever had a chance. 
You don’t know how he found you. Through a friend of a friend of a friend’s dad’s coworker, maybe. Word of mouth. Watercooler conversation and a heaping cup of gossip.
“Did you hear the Captain’s looking for a babysitter?”
“For what? To bang?”
“No, dipshit. He knocked some broad up and she left him with the baby.”
“No kidding. The Captain?”
“Didn’t I just fuckin’ say that?”
“Price, you mean? Captain Price?”
“Are you fuckin’ deaf? Yeah—Price.”
“Christ. Godspeed to him. A baby. Goddamn.”
“Give it a rest, it happens all the time. That’s why you always wrap it up. Anyway, you know of anyone that’d be up for it?”
And then somehow, your name gets mentioned. Much to your relief. Job opportunities don’t knock on your door all that often, and when John finally gets around to telling you your hourly rate, you almost burst into hysterical giggles in front of him. It’s more than you expected. More than you deserve, if you’re being honest. You’re retroactively grateful that he didn’t ask you to name your rate because you wouldn’t have dared propose something anywhere close to what he offers.
It’s a straightforward gig. John doesn’t work the typical nine-to-five, so you show up at the times he made you write down on that first day in his living room after your interview and you leave whenever he comes home. The first week is fairly true to the schedule he laid out for you. He’s only late by around half an hour one evening, but that was another condition that he made you well aware of prior to giving you the job. 
You know better than to put up a fuss. You’re already learning on the job as it is; with your anxiety at a ten at all times, you appreciate the extra half hour to keep googling baby-specific information. What to do during tummy time. The benefits of baby massage. How to change a diaper. You’re learning all sorts of things these days.
To your credit, he could’ve done worse. The day after John hires you, you sign up for an intensive babysitting course over the weekend and read the online manual front to back. Your CPR certificate is still valid, but you book a refresher course as well just to be on the safe side. It’s a bit unbearable to watch the funds drain out of your account before you’ve even had a chance to earn your first paycheck, but it’s worth it for the burgeoning confidence that you bring on your first day.
Babies are fun to be around, you realize, much to your own delight. Babysitting—or rather, nannying, but John still introduces you to the neighbours as his babysitter, plus nannying requires a host of additional accreditations that you simply just do not have—might not have been a job that you ever expected yourself to like, but you find yourself kind of morose at the end of each day when you have to say goodbye to baby, and even going so far as to turn in early when you get home so you’ll be ready bright and early the next morning.
Babies also smell better than anything you’ve ever smelt in your life. You could huff the top of this little guy’s head morning, noon, and night. Milky and clean; it barely takes a few days to become addicted to the smell of his little head. When he’s cradled in your arms, you can’t help but press your nose to the top of his head and take a deep inhale, eyes fluttering shut. It’s some good shit. 
You keep a journal filled with notes to relay to John when he comes home at the end of the night and keep your phone close to you during babytime to film any important moments that John might’ve otherwise missed. 
“He started babbling today,” you tell John the second he walks through the door, the video already pulled up on your phone. You haven’t felt this excited in ages. “Look.” 
He’s still in his fatigues and everything, but he humours you and takes the baby when you pass him over, cooing and tickling his belly until the baby squeals and babbles again for him. 
“See?” you gush, mooning over him. You don’t have the presence of mind to be self-conscious in the moment. 
“Yeah,” John remarks, lifting his son up to blow a raspberry into his belly and grinning at his ensuing peals of laughter. “Ain’t that something.”
If the smile in his voice has anything to do with you, you don’t pick up on it.
On top of everything, John turns out to be a really good boss. Despite his gruff, intimidating exterior, he’s remarkably kind and patient with you. He doesn’t nag you for missing a spot when cleaning the bathroom. He doesn’t scold you the day your car breaks down and you’re forced to take the nearest bus to his place, tacking on an extra twenty minutes to your commute, even though that means that he’s invariably late for work. When you accidentally use scouring powder on the inside of his Le Creuset Dutch oven and scratch off the enamel, he gently talks you out of a sobbing fit, seemingly unbothered by the state of his scratched up crockery.
He shrugs when you bring it up. “It’s got a lifetime warranty anyway. I’ll bring it into the shop over the weekend. No use getting upset about it.”
Unflappable. That’s the word for it. It’s like as long as he’s able to come home to the baby and you in one piece, nothing else matters, and that sense of calm permeates the whole house; for the first time in a long time, you don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone. 
Your only qualm—and it’s hardly even a qualm, to be honest, more of just an observation—is that John is more of a physical person than you are. 
When he wants to move you, he does—two big hands clamped around your waist and only a fraction of his strength to move you away from the stove so he can take over cooking while you check on the baby, your mouth hanging open, aghast. Fuming at his nerve. The gall of him to manhandle you. 
You don’t hold it against him though. You haven’t spent much time around groups of men, but you’ve seen military movies before and it seems like the status quo for men to grab and push each other around. If anything, he’s gentle with you. 
It’s just that—and again, John’s the first adult man you’ve spent any one-on-one time with, what with it just being the two of you and the baby in his house, so your frame of reference is microscopic—you’re not completely sure whether it’s appropriate for your boss to be so touchy. 
You don’t mean to insinuate that he’s being inappropriate. It’s just that—and again you have to catch yourself before you go making assertions about people because John is honestly such a nice man and he’s done nothing but treat you fairly and made you feel safe and welcome, but…—sometimes he insists on you staying over for dinner after he comes home from work and doesn’t take no for an answer.
You’re never in any rush to leave. There’s not exactly anything waiting for you in your dingy little apartment. So when he asks you to stay, you have no good reason to refuse. It’s nice to get a free meal as well. With the way John gives you unfettered access to the fridge and pantry, you hardly need to buy groceries at all these days. You feel a little guilty about that, but you know what it’s like to go hungry.
Maybe that’s why you stay for supper the first time he asks a couple weeks into you working for him. You’re subconsciously mortified that you’ll eat his food when he’s not gone but not when he offers it to you.
At least dinner feels like something you’ve been given rather than just taking, taking, taking. 
Not to mention you’ve developed something of a rapport. There’s always something to talk about with John: the baby, his work, a show you watched on TV after putting the baby down for a nap, the new big Tesco four blocks from your place, his late teens before joining the military (“back when you weren’t even a thought in your mum’s head,” he jokes, cutting into his steak and something in your brain pops and fritzes out like the static between radio stations). 
The first few suppers are sporadic and never long enough to make you feel like you’ve overstayed your welcome. In all honesty, they’re the few bright spots in an otherwise dull life. Outside of your job and the infrequent dinners, you’re estranged from your family and you’ve only got a few close friends in town that you see maybe once or twice a month. Nothing to write home about. Some Friday nights, the yoga studio near your flat has a five pound community class that you pop in for, but those are infrequent too. 
Then there’s the odd night where he shoos you into the living room to put on a movie while he cleans up after dinner. You stare absentmindedly at his forearms when he rolls up his sleeves and then jump when you find him staring at you expectantly over his shoulder.
“Go put something on,” John tells you, a warning look in his eye. “Don’t make me repeat myself.”
“Sorry,” you whisper before slipping off into the living room.
You can’t relax on the couch while you wait. You flinch when he finally joins you, sitting down on the other side of the couch suddenly. You hadn’t even heard him coming; he’s light on his feet for such a big man. 
The buddy cop comedy you picked barely distracts you from the fact that your boss is sitting on the other side of the couch. You spend the whole two hour run time so nervous that you’re afraid you’ll buzz right out of your skin. 
For absolutely no reason, of course, because all John does is make light conversation with you throughout the movie. Conversation that you respond to in curt, choked whispers. When he walks you to the door after the movie, all you can focus on is how utterly embarrassed you are for being so weird.
Your dreams that night come frantic and heady. Humid under the blanket. The phantom feeling of a body heavier than yours weighing down one side of the couch and you sliding towards it gradually, unable to even cling onto the arm of the couch to keep from falling into his lap. 
Then hands on your belly, cupping and holding. Thick fingers with hairy knuckles. A warm, tobacco smell wafting under your nose, sweet like tonka bean and smoke. Nothing you can do to keep them from travelling down your stomach and thighs and spreading your legs wide, big hands curving around your inner thighs until—
You wake up panting, fingers pressed against your clit in your sleep. It takes nothing to bring yourself over the edge, dark blue eyes swimming on the precipice of your conscious mind. 
“Sleep well?” John asks you the next morning when you show up on his doorstep, handing you the baby before you’ve even said so much as a word. You hold the baby to your chest like a makeshift shield. Anything to put some distance between you and the man who has now taken to starring in your dreams. 
“Not bad,” you squeak. 
You flinch when he guides you in with a hand on your back and shuts the door behind you. Your cunt pulses when his fingers press firm against the small of your back, hand bigger than you remembered from your dream.
As if you were ever going to end up anywhere but here.
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