#a couple days ago i blacked out at around 4-5 am and got my consciousness back at 7 am with this. wtf happened

[murmurmurl]

Color/lighting practice (gone gay)

[obx-adventures]

The Introverted Twin

Summary - Being John B’s bookish twin isn’t easy. Especially with my best friend, Pope, being weird about me getting closer with JJ.

Warning: Medical conditions and procedures described (as accurately as I could)

A/N - Flashbacks are in italics. This chapter may have been my favorite to write.

Catch up here: Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8

——

Chapter 9

I regain consciousness in the ambulance but am very disoriented. The first thing I notice is the neck brace keeping my head still, followed shortly by wet drops hitting my face. I try to determine the source of the wetness and realize that Kie is leaning over me and sobbing.

“Kie…” Her eyes shoot open as a new round of sobs overtake her diminutive frame.

“Y/N? Oh my God! Are you… how are… I’m so glad your awake!”  

“JJ?” My voice is barely a whisper but the concern in my eyes tells Kie exactly what information I’m searching for.

“He’s in the other ambulance. He woke up as they were loading him in and was screaming for you.”

“He… is he…”

“I don’t know if he’s ok. Only that he woke up before we left. I called JB but I think his phone is dead. I was able to get ahold of Sarah and she was going to pick him up.” I’ve exhausted all of my energy and my eyes flutter closed. I hear Kie’s worried gasp and squeeze her hand to let her know I’m still awake.

When we get to the hospital, I struggle to open my eyes but fail. As soon as the doors open, I hear JJ screaming my name. The effect of his voice is like a shot of adrenaline to the heart. I try to sit up to look for him but am pushed back down by the paramedic. Kie jumps out and I hear her telling JJ that I woke up.

As I’m being rolled into the emergency room, Kie screams JJ’s name loudly. From the rush of doctors and nurses that run to him, I know it’s bad.

“Kie! Kiara!” I yell as loud as I can and am frustrated when it comes out as barely more than a whisper. I try to sit up again to see what happened and feel a stabbing pain in my ribs. This doesn’t stop me from continuing to push myself up, but I’m overcome with a sudden difficulty to breath. Before I understand what’s happening, my vision goes black and I slip back into the abyss.

----

There is a soft knock on my door, and I tell the person to come in without looking up from my SAT prep book. Even though I’m not starting my prep class until school starts back up in a couple months, I want to get a head start on the most important test of my life.

“Y/N, can I talk to you for a few minutes?” Hearing Kie’s voice shocks me into looking up. Without thinking, I lunge forward to hug her.

“Kie! I haven’t seen you since September! How are you?”

While all the Pogues have been hesitant about her return from her year at the Kook Academy, I’m just glad to see Kiara Carrera again. Being surrounded by boys all the time for the past 9 months has been exhausting.

“I’m ok. I came to apologize.” Kie’s face is full of pain and I realize just how difficult this past school year has been for her.

“You don’t need to apologize to me.” I pull her back to sit down next to me on the bed.

“Yes, I do. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around. I’ve missed you. There were so many times during this past year when I wished I could call you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I knew the guys were pissed at me and I guess I just assumed you would be too.”

“I wasn’t pissed at you. I just missed you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulders and give her a reassuring squeeze. Kie starts to cry as she leans into me.

“The Kooks were awful, and I thought that if I leaned into Kook life, it would get better. I stopped hanging out with you guys and became friends with the Kook Princess. But it all fell apart and I was so lonely. I wanted to talk to my best friend.”

“You could have called John B! He was hurt but he would have understood.” At this, Kie lifts her head off my shoulder and leans away to look at me.

“I meant you.”

“I’m your best friend?”

“Why is that a surprise?”

“I just thought that I was John B’s sister to you, like I am with everybody else.” I shrug and look down at my hands in my lap. JJ and Pope are the only friends I’ve ever had. Most girls either ignore me or treat me like I have the plague, but Kie has always been kind and excited to see me. I thought she was just placating me so I wouldn’t feel weird when she was here with John B.

“I guess I have to apologize again then. We may have met because I became friends with the guys but then we started spending almost every day together and you started to relax around me. I got to see how funny and sweet you are. Even though you seem so shy, you have no problem putting the boys in their place. We both know that your dad and JB have no idea what their doing so you’ve had to run this place. Most teenage girls think about clothes and makeup and boys. But you worry about the electrical bill, cooking dinner, and making doctors appointments for all of you. It’s amazing. You’re amazing, Y/N.”

----

When I open my eyes this time, I hear my brother yelling at someone.

“That is my sister! I need to see her! Move!”

“JB…”

“No, Y/N, don’t try to talk.” The nurse currently taking my vitals tries to soothe me.

“Tell him… ok…” I plead with my eyes and the nurse turns to my brother who is still trying to push past someone to get into the room.

“Mr Routledge, your sister’s eyes are open and she’s asked me to tell you she’s ok. But I need you to wait outside because you’re upsetting her. I promise you can talk to her in a couple minutes.” He falls silent and I can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. I raise my hand a few inches to signal him that I really am awake.

“Ok, Y/N, I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later, true to her word, the nurse ushers my brother into my room. He grabs my hand like it’s a life line and I open my eyes to try to meet his. I get ready to talk but my brother shushes me.

“No, no. Don’t talk. You have a severely bruised… ummm, the voice box thing and a few of your ribs broke off and put a hole in your lung. The doctor put a tube in to help you breath but they are getting you ready for surgery to fix the ribs so there isn’t more damage.” I whine a little and try to convey the urgent question I can’t ask. “JJ has a few broken ribs and a really bad concussion but he’ll be ok.”

I sigh in relief and immediately wince in pain. John B worries over me as the nurse comes back in to tell him they need to take me for a CT scan before my surgery. I fall back under as they transfer me over to the CT table.

----

“John B, I need you to eat. Please.” My brother doesn’t even acknowledge that I’ve walked into the room. His sandwich is still untouched in front of him, exactly how it was when I checked on him 15 minutes ago. “It’s been a week. I’m worried you’re going to pass out.”

“I’m not hungry.” I sit next to him and turn his face to look at me. “Just leave me alone.”

“No, Bird. I won’t –”

“Don’t call me that!” I jump back at his outburst. The anger falls from his face when he sees the look on mine. “Sorry… I didn’t… Sorry… it’s just… Dad calls me that.”

“So do I, JB. I always have.” My voice is full of all the pain that I’ve been carrying this week.

“It hurts too much…”My twin has been like this since our father disappeared a week ago. He is not only dealing with losing our dad but also his guilt over the terrible fight they had before he left. He won’t eat, barely sleeps, and hasn’t showered since we filed the missing persons report. I finally got him to drink water a couple days ago by threatening to call ‪911‬ if he didn’t. At least now I don’t need to keep checking him for signs of dehydration.

“Ok, JB... I’ll make you a deal. You start eating and I won’t call you that.” He scoffs at me and looks away. “I’m serious. I need you. I can’t lose you and that’s what will happen if you don’t take care of yourself.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Y/N.”

“I’m not being dramatic. Pope looked it up for me. You haven’t eaten anything in a week. That’s dangerous.”

“I’m fine. I’m not even hungry.”

“You’re in the first stages of grief. The stress throws off your appetite. But it doesn’t mean you don’t need to eat. Please, JB… Please…”I feel the panic attack building and start to stand up to go to my room. I’ve spent the past week consoling my twin and trying to hide the impact our dad’s disappearance has had on me. John B catches my hand before I can get too far away.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Y/N. I know this has been hard on you, too.” He pulls me back down to the couch and throws his arms around me. “I’ll try to do better.”

“What if we split the sandwich?”

“Deal,” he says as he kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, JB.”

----

“When are they taking her into surgery?” I’m not fully awake yet but I can hear how scared JJ sounds.

“A few minutes. None of us are supposed to be in here but John B sweet talked the nurse.” I feel a bit better hearing Kie comforting him but I still fight to open my eyes, desperate to see that he’s ok. My eyes flutter open and JJ moves closer to me.

“Sunshine? Are you awake?” I squeeze the hand that’s holding mine, unsure if it’s his or Kie’s. “I’m right here. I got you.”

“Kie! Is she ok?” The new voice surprises me, giving me the jolt I need to fully open my eyes.

“Pope, she’s… she needs surgery…” Kie’s worry shines through her voice.

“Y/N! I’m right here! I’m so sorry…” He breaks during his apology and I try to comfort him through my eyes.

“See, Sunshine. We’re all here for you.” I look over at him and my eyes fill with tears when I see the bruises forming. “No, don’t cry… I’m ok. Don’t worry about me.”

“JJ, what happened?!” My eyebrows knit in confusion. I try to look back at him but he moves out of my field of vision. My eyes snap back to JJ to watch his reaction.

“Pope! Calm down. This isn’t JJ’s fault and you know it.” Kie’s admonishment is firm but JJ’s expression is full of guilt. “I was next to John B when he was telling you what happened. Don’t pick a fight.”

“No J…” All three of them turn at my voice. “Not… your… fault…”

“Shhh, don’t talk,” Kie tells me. “We all know this isn’t JJ’s fault. I’ll keep reminding him while you’re in surgery.”

“Pope…” My best friend cuts me off by putting a finger over my mouth.

“Kie’s right, Y/N. I know it’s not his fault. I’m just… I’m scared is all. I’ll be better. Just don’t talk. Please.” He wipes tears off my cheeks and smiles weakly at me. “It’s my fault, not his.”

“Pope, dude, this was my dad. Not me, not you.” I try to nod at JJ’s words but discover I’m in a new neck brace that I didn’t pay attention to until now.

“If I wasn’t such an ass when she told me about you guys, she wouldn’t have needed to go find you at your house.”

“Pope, I convinced her to go find JJ. I should have seen his dad’s truck when we got there and stopped her from going inside.” I whine after Kie’s done and have never been more frustrated that I can’t talk.

“Guys, stop. The nurses are coming so we need to clear out. None of you are to blame. And if Y/N could talk more than a couple words right now, she’d tell all of you the same thing. Luke Maybank did this to her and to JJ. And the cops have him so stop blaming yourselves.” My eyes shoot over to JJ to see how he’s handling all of this. We’ve all tried to talk him into reporting the abuse to the police but he’s always been adamant that he won’t. Now that choice has been taken from him.  

“JJ, the cops are ready to talk to you,” my brother continues. “Kie, they may have some follow up questions so they asked that you stay. Y/N, the doctors told them that they couldn’t talk to you yet but I’m sure they’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Ms Routledge, it’s time to go. Mr Maybank, you should be in your room. The rest of you can wait down the hall.” The nurses start unhooking my IV and monitor wires, giving me a moment with each of the Pogues. I brush my fingers over JJ’s cheek, squeeze Kie’s and Pope’s hands, and whisper that I love my brother. One of the nurses inject a sedative into my IV line and then wheel me out of my room.

----

“Hey, Y/N! What are you doing out here?” I actively avoid looking at my best friend as he sits next to me on the end of the pier. I hide my hands under my legs so he can’t see that my fingernails are bit down to nubs, a sure sign of my current mental state.

“Hi Pope. I’m just hiding from John B…”He places his hand on my knee to comfort me and traces light circles on my exposed skin.

“Why?” His voice is so gentle and I’m afraid that if he offers me more comfort, I’ll completely fall apart.

“The police were here a little bit ago… they’ve officially stopped the search for my dad…” Pope knows that no words will be enough right now so he opts to wrap his arms around me and pulls my head to his shoulder. “I don’t know how to tell him, Pope. I just got him to start eating more a couple days ago. What if he… what if I lose him too?”

“You won’t lose him. All of us will be here to help both of you.” I start sobbing into Pope’s chest, finally letting myself feel every ounce of pain that’s been building up over these past 2 weeks. I’ve tried so hard to just focus on being there for John B that I haven’t done anything to take care of myself. I sit in Pope’s arms for a while and let someone take care of me for once.

After my mom left when we were kids, my dad tried his best to take care of us. But it was a mess. I finally took over when we were 11 after my dad sent John B and I with moldy sandwiches. It was right around the same time that Pope and I were partnered up for a project for the first time in gifted science. We were eating lunch together and he shared everything he had with me after I spit out the first bite of my sandwich. I confessed how chaotic my home life has been and Pope decided to help me set up some systems for tracking and paying bills, meal planning, and every other aspect of running a home. With his support, I whipped us all into shape. He was so excited about all the organization and planning that I’m not sure if he fully understands that I wouldn’t have been able to keep my family together without him.

“Do you want me to be there when you tell him? I can call JJ and Kie too so he sees that he still has a family.” I turn to look at my best friend and thank the universe for sending me someone to help bear my burdens.

“Yes, please. Thank you, Pope.” I kiss his cheek and pull him into a fierce hug. I feel like I can finally breath now.

“I’m always here for you, Y/N. Always.”

----

“There you are, Sunshine.” My head jerks up in surprise. I didn’t expect anyone to find me in my closet.

“Why aren’t you at the party, JJ?” Today is mine and JB’s 10th birthday party. Of course, since I don’t have any friends, everyone is here for my brother.

“You ran away before I could give you your gift.” Instead of waiting for me to climb out of the closet, he sits down with me. He hands me a small package, wrapped in purple tissue paper.

“You got me a present?” My shock is evident in my voice. In all the years of birthday parties for the Routledge twins, no one has ever given me a gift.

“Of course! It’s your birthday, too.” JJ gently nudges me to open my gift. When I unwrap it, I discover a handmade bracelet, just like the ones JJ wears, in all my favorite colors. I look up at him and he gently takes it out of my hands to put it on my wrist.

“JJ… this is… thank you!” I can’t put into words how much this means to me so I try to convey it with a hug.

“I know you think that you don’t have any friends… but you have me…” JJ’s voice wobbles a little and I pull away to see how nervous he is. He kisses my forehead, stands up, and offers me his hand. Without hesitating, I take his hand and return to the party with him. In this moment, I realize I would go anywhere with and do anything for JJ Maybank.

----

“Y/N, I need you to open your eyes for me.” I fight against the remaining effects from the sedative to try to comply with the man’s request. When I finally get my eyes open, it takes every ounce of energy in me to keep them that way. “Good job. I’m Dr Row, we met in the emergency room but I’m not sure if you remember that. I did the surgery to repair your ribs and lung. Everything went well but we need to keep you in the surgical ICU at least for tonight.”

I try to nod at him but realize my neck brace is still on. My throat hurts much too badly now to try to speak so I offer a weak thumbs up.

“I know you’re in a lot of pain right now. You kept passing out because your body was overwhelmed with how much it hurts and your brain was trying to protect you. Your throat is very swollen and we’re worried about some of the cartilage there so we’re keeping you in the neck brace for now so you don’t accidently injure it more. I had to put in some hardware to put your ribs back together and you still have the tube in your side so pressure doesn’t build up in your chest cavity. You’ll stay in recovery a little longer and then your brother can see you in your room.”

After another 30 minutes or so, I’m taken to the ICU room. The doctor was right about the severity of my pain and I’m doing everything I can to stay awake so I can see John B. Finally, he’s ushered into the room and grips my hand gently, fear etched into every inch of his face.

“Y/N, I’m here. I’m right here.”

“J…” I eek out and my brother shushes me before I try again.

“JJ is with DCS right now…” A sob escapes my tender throat. “No, no, shhh. Kie, Pope, and their parents are with him. We won’t let him get taken away. Y/N! Y/N!”

I hear my brother yelling my name as the monitors start going wild but I can’t respond or open my eyes again. The darkness engulfs me once again despite my desperate efforts to stay with my brother.

One chapter left...

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[avengers-fics]

The Island

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: You own a safe house designated for the avengers. A couple years ago they all came to visit. Little did they know, Bucky had won his way into your heart. 

Warning: none

Word Count: 2.3k

2020

The hot sun beats down, beads of sweat begin to form on your forehead. With a swish of your hand you wipe away the droplets that drip down your forehead. Pruning and planting the different crops for spring always took time, but that was all you had to do on your little island. That, and think about the love of your life and the hands that planted this garden in the early fall time. Thinking of the memory of your butt planted in a beach chair while watching his bent over frame in the garden boxes, planting strawberries and various greens.

A slight buzz in your beach bag catches your attention and you think nothing of it; most likely a news notification regarding the recent breakout. After hearing another ping, something in your gut tells you to check it. Walking through the thick sand surrounding your house, you bend over to retrieve your cell phone and realize that the buzzing continues from the second pocket. The emergency phone that hasn’t gone off in a few months is now alive with sound, and with your stomach dropping into your toes; you answer.

“Need any groceries?” Natalia’s familiar tone gives you friendly butterflies in your stomach, as she is one of your longest friends. You hadn’t heard her voice since Thanos had ruined the planet with the snap of his fingers. It was almost a relief to hear her raspy tone. Even then she didn’t want to bother you, or more likely find out if you had survived the initial snap (Which you did).

Without missing a beat, “Just pickles,” The familiar code for ‘the coast is clear’, “Maybe some vodka if you’re stopping.” You added with a smile. Nat happily said she would bring you a couple bottles, and with that she hung up the phone. After taking a shuddering breath, you tossed the phone back in your bag. This meant you had to make some rounds and change sheets in the different guest bedrooms, and actually wash the dishes in your sink. Your lab would be beyond happy to have some different but familiar faces around the little compound.

-

Seeing the familiar tiny red boat pull ashore that afternoon to your island always brought a smile to your face, along with the red head manning the small vessel. For the first time you noticed a few beefy men in tow, which made your eyebrows rise in surprise. Nat climbed ashore with a couple of manly hands held out to aid her. Then with the small boat anchored, the few men climbed ashore. Of course you knew who they all were, who wouldn't? At least she managed to bring some of the most well mannered men on the planet; all of which extended their hands in sync once reaching you on the shore. Steve introduced himself first, and he even kissed your cheek with a red hue on his own. Sam was a little more cocky in his introduction, but thanked you immensely for letting him stay there. Bucky was the last, and he was much more quiet and distant in his introduction than the rest. He took your hands in his, and then mimicked Steve and placed the gentlest kiss upon your cheek that made Sam and Nat furrow their brows. However, they didn’t say anything in fear for their lives.

After a moment of awkward silence, Natasha cut in. “We needed a safe house, desperately.” You nodded, almost prying for more. “There’s a little too much going on in the world...Virus and all. Tony got worried with all of us in New York or in the same Safe House at that.” She tucked her hands in her pocket, which was a cue for her that she was done talking. For as long as you had known her, it was almost impossible to get her to a point of being uncomfortable that she couldn’t talk anymore. So this situation had to be dire.

With the warmest smile you could offer up, you spoke to the group, “I understand, and you’re welcome here for as long as you need.” They all joined in a chorus of ‘thank yous’ but you interrupted with “As long as you’re willing to go to the grocery store for or with me.” In response Nat quickly walked back over to the boat, and grabbed a handful of reusable bags that contained at least $300 worth of groceries. “Well then, I’ll show you to your rooms.”

Throwing a dinner together for your guests was pretty easy since they all would eat anything you put on the plate in front of them. Steve was the one to strike up a conversation more than anybody else; asking how you came to get this land and when the house was built. Nat was just exhausted from navigating most of the way, and Sam must’ve been exhausted from nagging the whole time. Bucky, however, kept a cool distance from you across the dinner table. But he was the one who stayed to clean up dishes once everyone else went to bed, and even suggested you go to bed while he finished up downstairs. A smile graced your face and with a small wink you climbed the three flights of stairs to your master bedroom.

5:45 AM rolled around, and your alarm went off to get up and get ready for your 6 AM run around the island. The sunrise always brought a fresh breath of life to your lungs and soul. The island that you were lucky enough to live on, clocked in at around 4 miles round which was just the perfect running/walking mixture for your exercise credentials. Being on your own gave you a certain sense of freedom and happiness with the few trips to the grocery store that you made. While tying your sneakers, another person joined your presence downstairs in the island farmhouse. Bucky Barnes stood on the landing of the staircase, hair in a bun at the nape of his neck. He had a long sleeve shirt on that covered up to his wrists, leaving the metal arm to glimmer in the faint morning light. You had a sly smile on your lips with the thought of Nat teaching him how to tie his hair up in a small bun.

“What?” Bucky was also tying up his shoelaces, but caught a glimpse of your smile playing on your lips. The two of you were creatures of habit, and that meant getting up early in the day to work out so you had time for important stuff in the afternoon, like drinking. “Is there something wrong with my hair?” Bucky self consciously ran his flesh hand over his head.

You quickly jumped in, “Not at all! I could just tell Nat taught you to do that.” You grabbed the handle for the front door and looked at Bucky with a sympathetic look in your eyes, “Gonna run the same pace as me or outrun me today?” He laughed and agreed to keep pace with you. He was over a foot taller than you, which made you doubt his abilities to go your pace given the leg difference between the two of you.

The sun was only beginning to create a color show over the various mountains and islands surrounding your private island. Purple hues took over the sky and your heart. It always made you incredibly happy that you were able to reach this point in your life that you were able to live the life you had always dreamed of; quiet, and no one bothering you unless the situations were dire. Bucky’s strides were slower than normal to your left and even you could tell that, he wasn’t out of breath even when you were. Towards the end you always walked just to cool down and take in the cool morning breeze. Your black Labrador also joined during this morning ritual, which helped him settle during your afternoon activities.

After finishing the lap around the island, you sat down on one of the blue adirondack chairs you had perched on the beach. The paint was slightly peeling but every couple of years you repainted right over it, good as new. It was probably getting close to the time that required some more paint on the old, trusty chairs. Bucky carefully lowered himself into the chair next to you. With a slight sigh, he whispers as if to not disturb the sunrise still occuring. “Do you think Natalia knows about us?”

A laugh bubbles up into your chest as your hand reaches over and interlaces your fingers with Bucky’s. “I don’t think so baby.”

This had been occurring for the past 2 years, unbeknownst to the rest of the team. Neither of you really cared whether the rest of the team knew, maybe just Sam. The first time Nat had brought everyone to the island (By everyone, that means the WHOLE team and their significant others) over 2 years ago. There were so many dogs barking and beds squeaking that nobody had noticed you and Bucky on the front porch having a drink and learning everything about one another. He came to visit quite often after that, and no one really bothered to ask him where he was going.

The chairs in the sand were so close together that even if someone was to look out their bedroom windows and spot the two of you holding hands, you couldn’t quite tell what was happening. Steve was the only one with a bedroom that had a view over towards the sunrise, and you did that on purpose because you knew he wouldn’t say anything, and if he did it would have just been to Bucky. You adjusted in your chair so you could lean your head on his right shoulder, since his forearm was resting comfortably on your thigh. Bucky moved his head slightly just to kiss your sweaty forehead, and you could feel the smile on his lips. Bucky always smelled like eucalyptus and the scent stayed around your house even after he returned to his normal routine at the Avengers Compound. Your dog laid at both of your feet on the sand, comfortable as ever.

“I think we have to tell Tony eventually, especially since you wanna move here sometime in the near future.” You barely spoke above a whisper to him as you brought the back of his hand to your lips for a small kiss.

Bucky rested his cheek on the top of your head, watching the finishing sunrise. “I know, let this pandemic finish first before he realizes that he has to find another Avenger.” He giggled a little, and it brought a bubble of laughter up to your chest. “I just want to enjoy our privacy for now, before Sam realizes.” You nodded in agreement.

-

2019

Bucky had been introduced to you the year before, and somehow he managed to show up at your doorstep once a month. He claimed that it was his “vacation time”, even in the dead of winter, with snow piling up on your porch and an icy lake all around. The smile he donned melted a path right into your heart and you knew there was no way of falling out of love with Bucky Barnes. Most of the team was still under the impression that he was half psychotic; willing to snap at any time. But he was just the opposite. He was the most caring person you’d ever met in your life.

Bucky spent most of his time on your island helping with various projects that needed completing, whether it was fixing broken floor boards or sealing the shed against snow. You watched him get bundled up in overalls, glove only on his flesh hand and a fuzzy hat that he didn’t realize had cat ears on top, and trek outside to shovel a pathway to the shed that contained a few important items. Not to mention the chilly nights you spent with the window cracked, bundled up and a shirtless Bucky sleeping in the kingsize bed next to you.

Everytime he showed up on the porch, he claimed he took a leave of absence for some quiet time. But the time he spent on your island was anything but quiet. Making meals required any kind of music playing and hips swaying. His thumbs made impressions on your hips while you leaned to grab different seasonings from the spice rack, and a deep blush would form on your cheeks.

Late in the evenings it would just be the sound of snow falling outside and both of your breaths, ragged and slowing down. Legs tangled together, and not a care in the world. Bucky spent time tracing his fingers along the various tattoos that were painted over your arms and body. It made your heart warm to see Bucky this vulnerable. You finally had to ask what brought him here after all this time.

“You.” Was all Bucky wanted to offer at the time, and after some pandering he continued. “It’s peaceful here, you bring me unconstituted peace and so does this island.” Bucky was speaking the truth, it had been a long time since he had felt safe and content enough to be this open with someone. All it took were 4 sides of water for him to finally feel safe.

-

2020

You let out a little sigh before you spoke again, “I’d kiss you right now, but I have a feeling there’s a pair of eyes on us.” Closing your eyes, you felt Bucky stretch to turn around next to you. Sure enough, Nat was already up and sipping her coffee on the porch. She knew how much your privacy meant to you and Bucky, so she simply raised her mug in a cheering motion, and went back to bed.

Everyone had an inkling of an idea about the two of you, since Bucky didn’t know how to shut off the tracking on his iphone. But Natalia had reminded them of your spy past and how you once decapitated a man with your bare hands. Needless to say they kept their mouths shut until everyone was invited to the wedding/Bucky’s retirement party on the island.

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[drawing079]

Exception On Line 129

Chapter 5: Not So Strange

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7]

A Human AU SCP-079 x SCP-682 Fanfic

Warnings: Violence, Alcoholism, Brain damage/trauma, Police brutality

Description: Zero is a reclusive computer science major, floating by in college with the help of vodka by his side. His only human interaction seems to be from his distant father, who abandoned him as a child but now is trying to make a bit of effort to be back in his life. And after a failed virus he sends to a Cray supercomputer gets exposed, he is forced to pay for the consequences of his cyber crimes in more ways than one.

During an unnecessarily violent arrest, he suffers a brain injury and anterograde amnesia, damaging his short-term memory. But during his time detained, he meets a violent man with an infamous short-temper, who takes a surprising interest in him.

(Read it here on Ao3 or continue below)

Exception On Line 129: Not So Stranger

By the time the sedatives have wore off, the prying nurses and noisy cops were long gone. They had originally wanted to question Zero, and so did his doctor, in order to gauge the extent of his head trauma; but all parties concerned were informed he was incompetent for questioning due to his sedation, and deflected until tomorrow to pester him later.

And incompetent indeed; when everyone had left, Numin had attempted to ask how he felt, only to get a slurred ‘what’ back at him, to which he assumed it was best to wait for Zero to be back in a sober clear mind before attempting conversation again.

Sometime in the afternoon Zero slipped under, falling asleep in the same position looking up at the ceiling, with the only indication of sleep being the closure of his eyes, and his already slow heartbeat growing even further apart in tempo on the beep of the heart monitor.

By the evening of that day, when he awoke, his head was finally clear enough to think straight, and the headache was fainter as it ricocheted inside his skull.

Shifting, the most movement he’s made since morning, Zero sat up in a daze, blinking blankly around the bright fluorescent room. Outside he noticed it was dark behind the paper-thin blinds, yet the unnatural lighting in the hospital room kept the room too bright for it to feel like evening. An uncomfortable discrepancy, especially considering how he had fallen asleep during daylight with only a hazy recollection of the day, only serving to further his ongoing confusion.

“Lucid now?” A familiar voice pried, surprisingly gentle, despite the unhidden harsh edge it innately carried. Turning to face the voice, a bit delayed in his reaction due to the lingering effects of the sedation, Zero faced the stranger in the bed beside his own.

When he met his eyes to the other man’s soft green ones, a sudden intrusion of memories flooded in.

His roommate. Zero couldn’t recall his name, but he felt fondly in his recognition of him, even though their interactions were hazy to retrieve.

Actually, not hazy; they were basically absent. All he knew was that this man was one he was familiar and friendly with.

“Barely lucid… god, my head feels like cotton.” He groaned, bringing his hand up to rub his temple, only to find the texture of soft gauze at his fingertips, bits of it snagging at his short jagged nails. “I… I was asleep for a while, but we met earlier today, right?”

The green hue of his roommate’s eyes darkened, in a melancholic transition that somehow made his next words seem despondent. “Yes, we’ve met. Do you remember me, Zero?”

The pressure to take away that undying anguish in his expression made Zero stressed to probe his memories for an answer that would sate his roommate.

“I remember… you… wrote something on my hand, I think?” Not even confident in his own foggy recollection, Zero knit his brow at the other man, as if silently asking for confirmation.

The other man let out a short sigh, almost in relief but not quite there just yet, at the sign of even a sliver of working memory in Zero’s head.

“Yes, I wrote my name down so you wouldn’t forget. The nurse put your IV back in but it should still be visible.”

Tilting his head down at his hand for confirmation, surely enough he found a name printed on the back of his palm in neat lettering, alongside his IV line buried deep into a superficial vein.

“Numin. Oh, that name does ring some bells.”

His roommate chuckled, albeit still tensed in the manner. “It should. You needed to be reminded of it quite a few times.”

With a couple blinks, Zero tore his eyes off the print on his hand to look up at Numin. “It’s weird, it feels like I met you years ago. Like the memories are so far back in my head that I have to focus to try and retrieve them. Did I really just meet you today? We didn’t have, like, a class together or anything?”

He ended his inquiry with a little cock of his head to the right, like an honest signal of innocent curiosity, and Numin consciously wondered if he was trying to be a little cute on purpose.

He stopped that thought right in its trail, though; since when does he think of others as cute?

“This morning, when you woke up for the first time since your accident, we met,” he hesitated, just slightly, remembering bitterly how badly Zero took this information last time, “you’ve been in a coma for several days now.”

Although there was an undeniable widening of Zero’s eyes in surprise, it quickly waned, as if the knowledge had awoken within him the fact he had heard that before. Nevertheless, his heart did start skipping a beat faster on the heart rate monitor, and Numin noticed Zero began biting his lower lip. Centered both above his top lip and below his bottom were two pierced holes, so Numin deduced that he must’ve had a habit of biting a lower lip piercing; although, regardless of its presence, Zero seemed to chew his lip anyway. Made Numin wonder if at some point he just got it pierced to have something to bite at.

“Ah. Yeah, I think I remember something about that.”

In his palm, Zero had a handful of his bedding’s blanket gripped tight, anxiously holding onto anything that could ground him. A sore pang clawed in Numin’s chest; he wished he could go over there again. Almost yearningly, he tugged gently at the handcuffs keeping him in place, a deep inner part of him imploring himself to just break it off again like last time.

“Is there anything else you remember?” Prying in order to keep his thoughts from getting him in more trouble, Numin looked back up to face Zero. He was sitting off the edge of his bed, fist still full of his paperthin hospital blanket, looking up in almost a bit of a daze. Numin couldn’t tell if it was because he was lost in thought trying to remember the events from earlier today, or if the Valium was still lingering a bit in his system. Nevertheless, it was enough of a daze to leave him oblivious to the slight drop of his hospital gown off one of his shoulders, exposing his collar bone, as well as a small written tattoo beneath it. In black lettering, it marked: ‘Print (“Hello World”)’, a basic one-line computer program, leading Numin to infer he must know how to code.

Although placid, the exposed skin had that word bubbling back up into Numin’s mind again. Cute.

Was his face just hot or is he now blushing over the visible collarbone and that tattoo?

“I remember, you were talking to me, but I can’t recall what about,” Zero finally spoke up, breaking Numin’s distraction on his slightly exposed shoulder, and with his headspace back to reality Zero absentmindedly tugged his gown’s collar back up, none the wiser that Numin was growing red in the cheeks as he stared at it.

As if to compose himself and continue on as if he wasn’t lost tracing his eyes on that soft skin beneath Zero’s gown, Numin swallowed, continuing the conversation.

“We talked about a handful of things. None of them come to mind?”

Blinking thrice, Zero looked down from the ceiling back at him. “Maybe, I don’t know…”

Awkwardly, his fumbled with the slack of blanket in his hand, crumpling it anxiously. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but… did you say something about being gay?”

Startled, Numin let out an unexpected laugh, amused as Zero’s bashfulness to address it.

“Bisexual, but yeah. You got the gist of it.” And, almost teasingly, he added, “Seems like you made that information top priority to recall. Are you always that good at remembering sexual orientations, or am I just special?”

Adding fuel to the fire of Zero’s embarrassment, now he was the one blushing. However, keeping his usual front, he managed to bite back with his own quip, despite the rouge color of his face betraying his actual thoughts.

“I don’t often forget when an interesting man tells me he likes men.” As if in an effort to divert the subject matter, he continued, “besides that… I think I remember you being here?”

He made a pat to the side of the mattress, on the bed where Numin had sat with him during his anxiety attack. And although he didn’t remember too clearly the details to which Numin was beside him, Zero does recall a warming comfort. Even if the actual memory was absent, it left a fond afterglow, and even through the frightening awareness of his amnesia he felt the sentiment they must’ve held.

“I was. Got in quite the bit of trouble, too.” Numin agreed, with a sigh, dejectedly giving his handcuffs another clank. As if maybe they’ll just phase through the bar if he moved them enough.

Regardless, they were symbolic anyways. If Numin wanted to keep out of anymore trouble at this point, he’ll have to allow the cops to have their illusion of control over him.

Even if that’s all it was. An illusion.

“If… if it’s proper to ask, what are you here for?” Meekly, Zero gestured vaguely at the hospital room around him. He’s never been detained before himself, and he wasn’t too sure if it was an appropriate question to ask.

But instead, Numin offered a little shrug, nonchalant.

“Shot in the forearm. Very minor surgery to remove the shards, but it didn’t do any major damage.”

The casualness of his tone threw Zero off, and he gave the other man a noticeable wide-eyed look.

“You were shot!?”

The shock in his tone made Numin chuckle. The cavalier nature he had about his injury was unnatural, like violence was something he found ordinary and injury was something he found unthreatening.

“Yeah, cop tried handcuffing me, so I stabbed him in the stomach,” at that, he made a gesture to with his free hand towards his own abdomen, lightly tapping below his ribs as if to indicate where the cop had taken his knife before continuing, “but the bastard was able to reach for his gun and got a shot in before I knocked it out of his hand.”

Still appalled, Zero blinked thrice in bewilderment, as if trying to process the exact capabilities Numin had. The energy he had was commanding and all-consuming, and it seemed he was way more than just a front in that regard.

“What... happened to him?” Zero barely managed to get out on the border of a whisper, quiet in almost a careful way, in case this was a question that could provoke a negative reaction.

Hearing the breathless nature of his question, Numin drew a toothy and predatory smile. The look of it almost seemed like he was reminiscing on fond memories, but his green eyes were festering with a darkness that betrayed a more sadistic delight to his face.

“Dead. I shouldn’t have even let him live long enough to get a shot in. Disgusting little maggot...” the last part of his sentence road his vocals on almost a growl, with each word dripping with abhorrence.

It sent a chilling shiver down Zero’s spine.

Aggression and violence wasn’t a surprise from his roommate, not in the slightest considering his demeanor. But something about the idea of actually killing someone, taking a life and having no regret, was absolutely bone-chilling.

There was a soft voice in the back of Zero’s head, warning him if his acquaintance with this man was dangerous. It begged him to withdraw from the conversation, to stop entertaining his roommate lest he accidentally got on his bad side. However, there was an even louder voice fighting that reasoning, and drawing him to continue.

It was at first terrifying to learn Numin had murdered someone. A deep, unsettling seed of knowledge that is now embedded into Zero’s brain, and it felt like he was watering the seed with every passing moment he dwelled on that unnerving idea. And as with any seed, it grew, and changed, and the more Zero thought about it the more his feelings about it were fuzzier than originally anticipated.

And after dwelling on it for a few moments, Zero can’t exactly lie that the idea wasn’t now also alluring, interesting in a way he can’t describe. Like a mixture of morbid curiosity to know more, with the knowledge it was bad to be interested but undeniably being drawn to it nonetheless.

His roommate had murdered someone.

And somehow, he wasn’t afraid of Numin for it.

“Is that what you’re in trouble for? Stabbing a cop to death?”

As if intrigued by Zero’s lack of fear, instead finding just shock and interest, Numin narrowed his eyes curiously, holding his dark smile. But it was no longer in glee to his lurid memories, instead it was in growing fascination for Zero’s interest.

“He was arresting me for something else, but his death is added onto my charges at the moment. However, my civil defender said something about being able to claim he shot me first and I stabbed in self-defense, but that’ll be a tough story to sell.” There was a taste of annoyance in his tone, as if reluctant to peddle the idea of being shot first before stabbing the cop. As if it strangled his pride too much for his liking, that he would allow another to harm him first.

Or, perhaps, that he would allow another to dare harm him at all.

“Wait, so he was already arresting you for a different crime at the time?” Suddenly, as if the thought of more charges was an alien concept, Zero’s eyes noticeably widened at his revitalized surprise.

Unbeknownst to him, it left another doe-eyed astonished look on his face— albeit still probably due to the lingering drug— that had a bit of warmth suddenly rising to Numin’s cheeks again, subtly but still nonetheless present through a hazy rouge ghosting his complexion.

Cute. He couldn’t tell if he hated himself for thinking that word at all or if the feeling was just frustration from yet again noticing how attractive he thought Zero was. Either way, the surfacing of that word bothered him.

Numin hadn’t the slightest clue why he couldn’t quite shake the idea from his train of thought. The idea that Zero was being cute right now.

“Yeah. I was being arrested for a separate murder charge at the time, so I thought, hell, what’s another?” Although there was a jesting tone in his voice meant to convey a bit of humor, the tension he was carrying found itself laced among his words and inwoven with his expression. Tension only aggravated by the newfound evasiveness Numin’s eyes took on.

Zero noticed the reddish hue on his roommate’s face now. A quick smirk rose onto his lips before he stifled it, killing it as fast as it was born— he’ll pretend he doesn’t notice, but he’s well aware that Numin knows he definitely did.

“Makes sense. What’s one when you can have two.” Despite the topic at hand currently being murder victims, Zero continued with a cadence that was surprisingly cavalier. Guess when someone is noticeably blushing and growing a bit hot and bothered when they’re speaking to him it really takes the fear out of talking to someone with possible murder charges. After all, a cold hard murderer showing a bit of sheepishness like a nervous teenager talking to their classroom crush?

Oh, dare Zero even think— it might be a bit attractive.

Someone so calloused and violent, coming undone ever so slightly in his presence. Even if the undoneness was painted in just a faint blush of attraction on the other’s face, or slight tenseness in their words.

It made Zero feel a bit special, in a way.

“Two? Ah, I forget how many, but it’s well over two.” Although still collecting himself a bit, breaking his eyes back down to his handcuffs as if to hide the unspoken redness in his face, Numin’s voice composed itself with his next line, as if more thought would distract him from that word he kept trying to ignore whenever he looked at Zero. “Definitely more than two, it’s maybe… Maybe around a dozen or so? Although however many I’m charged with is beyond me. I’m certain the cops aren’t aware of all of them.”

The shock momentarily got to Zero for a split second, just at the sheer number. Or perhaps the shock was over Numin not even knowing the exact count; both were equally something to raise his brow in surprise at.

“Damn. Well, spoiler alert, I’m not here for murder myself.” After saying so, the memory of the officer pounding at his apartment door over an arrest warrant bubbled up into his consciousness, giving him an involuntary shiver when it popped at the surface.

Like old film flickering in his head with how vague and out of focus the memories were, he felt it more so than saw it.

Pain zipping up and down his back as he was knocked to the floor. Frail legs desperately kicking to keep the officer off of him. Hard boot connecting with his temple once, and the world darkening as everything slips away for a split moment into sheer pain and confusion. The second kick he doesn’t remember, but only assumes must’ve hit him after those memories cut short, hitting a blank wall as the world around was stolen away from him.

Unexpectedly, he noticed his mouth was a bit drier than a moment before.

“Come to think of it… I-I’m not all too sure what I’m arrested for, exactly.”

There was an unsteady shake in those words. Numin felt that deep part in his chest ache for him again, and without even thinking there was an audible jingle as he tugged the handcuffs yearningly again, subconscious desire turning into subtle action.

He wished he wasn’t confined.

“You can’t remember?” Softly, despite the gruffness of his voice, Numin verbally acknowledged Zero’s amnesia again.

Giving a weak half-hearted shrug, Zero blinked twice blankly, as if his eyes were focused on an absent memory. Or, at least the spaces where a memory may have been.

“I don’t know if I can’t remember or if I never knew in the first place. It’s weird, but somehow… even when I think I forgot something, I have the feeling that the information was once there.” A couple more blinks calibrated his eyes back to the dull hospital room around him, before continuing. “Like I noticed that I can’t recall your name again. Although for certain, I’m sure I’ve been told it more than once.”

The start of a weak and curious frown ghosted Numin’s lips. “Do you remember where to find it?”

There was another nervous bite on his bottom lip from Zero. Hesitant, as if taking a fifty-fifty shot at where he could possibly find his roommate’s name, he shakily raised his hand and checked the back of it.

And sure enough, confirming his hunch, there was a name in neat lettering there.

“Ah, the name Numin does ring a bell.”

His roommate chuckled deeply. “You said that last time.”

Tossing a perked brow up at him, Zero narrowed his eyes playfully.

“Well, then… let’s hope this time it’s louder bells.”

He ended his own retort with a slight chuckle of his own, almost distracted enough to not notice when the door opened for a nurse to hurry in. Numin recognized him as the one who injected the Valium into Zero’s veins this morning, and the viridescent hue of his eyes turned stygian and dark in bitter spite towards a particularly guilty party who Numin saw at blame for this morning’s fiasco.

“Oh-- Mr. Novem, I didn’t expect you up.” Tense, perhaps giving a few cautious glances at Numin to ensure he was still properly restrained, the nurse made his way for Zero’s bedside, only to have his patient narrow his eyes at him in distrust and sit up tensely in his bed, body language insinuating that his memory still recalled the face of who injected Valium into his veins earlier today.

Or perhaps, it was less of the memory of who Anderson was, and more of the innate emotion that seeing him evoked. Not a name, nor face, nor even incriminating action to seed a taste of discontent on Zero’s tongue when he saw the man; rather, it was a raw and visceral recoil, like how one would instinctively recoil from a bee’s sting before they had even realized they have stepped upon one.

Simply put, it was a knee-jerk reaction, memoryless by nature. Yet, the reaction his mind and body naturally had towards the nurse told Zero enough of the story; he was not a friend, nor was he one to be trusted.

“Yeah, I’m sure you would’ve liked not dealing with me for a few more hours, huh?” Leveled as to not betray enough defiance that could warrant another injection, Zero hissed at the nurse ever so begrudgingly.

A few flecks of guilt surfaced in the nurse’s soft umber eyes, uncensored and uninhibited. They gave his patient a genuine look of remorse that both Numin and Zero were surprised to see.

“My apologies for this morning. Things were, um, out of hand… in more ways than one.” Despite him reaching for Zero’s chart and making a few routine recordings of heart rate and alertness, the actions seemed more methodical and habitual rather than cold. “You had sustained quite a bit of damage from your arrest. Your coma was expected to last much longer, and finding you awake and lucid in addition to your roommate being unrestrained probably wasn’t the best atmosphere. The sedation was a tragic necessity to get things under control.”

Audibly in the background, Numin scoffed. But, perhaps in a more complacent state of mind considering his physical circumstances, Zero leaned more towards the believability of Anderson’s words— at least, if only noticeable by the slight release of tension knitting his brow in distaste.

He decided to entertain that the nurse was being truthful. At least, because he had no memories to contradict Anderson’s story of how this morning went.

“How long was I out for?” Inquiring through a hesitant tone, as if to attempt to gauge how serious the nurse actually was on his remorse, Zero pried for some answers.

Or, at least he tried to, if Numin didn’t interject almost immediately.

“A few days. I told you earlier already.” As if they were the only two in the room, Numin shot Zero a stern look, conveying a level of seriousness and intimidation in the darkness of his eyes that wasn’t quite there a moment before in their lighthearted words. And, nestled in the shadows of that darkness was a condensation to the nurse; he wasn’t even going to grace the guilty party with recognition, instead speaking only to Zero.

“A-ah, so have I been… under arrest? I’m not handcuffed to the bed like he is.” Words feeling thick and off balance on his tongue, Zero stuttered them out gracelessly, but not out of meekness to the nurse’s presence; he was instead nervous from the obvious cue from Numin that he wasn’t to continue addressing the nurse.

And, without even looking in his direction, Zero could feel the cold darkness in Numin’s eyes bearing down on him, festering in what the best case scenario is frustration, and worse case anger.

Noting the atmosphere himself, the nurse seemed meek to pique up. It took a few moments before he could muster to.

“You’re temporarily detained, not technically arrested. Your injuries and coma seemed severe enough to not warrant restraints, but if you pose a danger to others or a risk of escape—“ he made a curt yet polite nod towards Numin, signaling his example, “— then, you may also be handcuffed as well.”

“Ah. Makes sense. Guess I’m not complaining, then.” Zero replied back, albeit without complete presence in his own words. There was an obvious distraction hovering over his cadence, perhaps a voice inside him asking if the questions were worth Numin’s irate stare burning through his skin.

“It’s for the better. Honestly, if I’m being level with you, your charges might even be dropped.” Continuing the conversation between short scribbles and readings he was recording, Anderson’s nerves seemed to have ironed out a bit. Perhaps the reality of Numin being confined was comforting. Perhaps the irate glances being the most hostility he was expressing reassured him.

Zero could only guess the nurse has seen him in quite a rage state to be so initially cautious.

“Dropped? Dropped how? Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what my charges even are.” His words were strained, their delivery being just a bit faster than his previous reply, exposing his underlying urge to hear what he was actually arrested over.

Anderson peaked an eyebrow in slight surprise, looking over his clipboard of vitals and notes at his patient.

“You were charged with cyber crimes for breaching the Cray Incorporation’s computers. I don’t know the details, but I’ve been told it’s not exactly a grave offense,” there was a gentleness in his eyes, softening a bit in sympathy, “but, due to the brutality of your arrest and the injuries you sustain, I’m no lawyer but… I don’t exactly see the charges going through.”

A short catch of his breath exposed Zero’s relief and surprise— he honestly didn’t even register his hack as major enough to even be noticed, let alone criminalized.

“Finally, some words from you that have actual meaning: you’re no lawyer. So why don’t you stop talking to him and stringing him along on these guideless assumptions?” Sharply, like the irritation towards Zero was being snuffed out and instead ignited onto Anderson, Numin diverted his attention.

Zero blinked, taken aback but also secretly relieved he was no longer under those threatening eyes.

“I-I’m just saying, that’s what it looks like at the moment. Were you even aware of his charges, Mr. Belua?” Without much confidence underlying his reply, Anderson noticeably tightened his grip on Zero’s chart sheepishly. Nevertheless, his dominant hand still continued their short and purposeful scribbles, as if to hide the idea his nerves around Numin may be preoccupying him.

The restrained, dangerous man chuckled. Zero has never heard someone laugh with both darkness and irritation enveloped together, intertwining in an unnerving way as to coax goosebumps from those who heard. Surely enough, confirming with a quick glance, some bumps were already decorating Zero’s exposed forearms.

“Doesn’t matter what he was charged with. I knew it wasn’t a violent crime, that’s for sure.” Giving his chained fist a quick pound against the bed’s side rail to rattle his handcuffs, Numin made both a show of his aggression and a show of his containment. Nevertheless, there was a bit of a sadistic gleam in his eyes that Zero saw, a noticeable delight Numin took when the poor nurse jumped at his threateningly loud hit against the side rail.

“You know, those handcuffs aren't just for my protection-- they’re for his, as well.” Anderson gestured to Zero, pen still in hand as he pointed, before turning to said patient. “I’m sure for your consideration, you might want to hear he’s a danger to his roommates. He put his last one in the ICU.”

“Don’t you dare!” Numin growled, straightening up in his bed but unable to do anything more than yank threateningly at his cuffs.

“W-what are you talking about?” Zero squeaked back at Anderson, almost meekly at the news.

“I’m talking about why he was put with you. We put him with a comatose patient on purpose… He kept breaking out of his restraints and assaulting the other ones.”

“Because they were disgusting! I couldn’t stand to listen to anything that came out of their worthless mouths!” Numin nearly shouted back, seething with so much irate that it dripped off each syllable like venom. His unshackled hand came down to grab the side rail that he was cuffed to, tightening around the metal in a white-knuckled grip, and he gave another violent shake that sounded close to breaking it. The jarring noise of it made Anderson drop his chart, recoiling with a startled step back.

“Mr.Belua, calm yourself or I’ll have to call in the head nurse.”

“You want me fucking calm!? Then get out of here! I’ll rip your tongue out if you wanna stay and keep talking!” Like an animal in a cage, he thrashed savagely, clanging the handcuffs around in his fit. The bed rattled with it, loud and unnerving, hinting his threat was going to be fulfilled if Anderson dared stay any longer.

Even though the words weren’t even directed at him, Zero found himself curling up nervously, tucking his knees under his chin and holding onto his legs like a surrogate security blanket. Whether between the room’s atmosphere or his surfacing anxiety, the wound on his head throbbed deep with his heart rate, fast and heavy. The air was getting too thick to breath in smoothly.

Weirdly enough, that tone and anger reminded him of his father.

Even the nurse seemed shaken. His eyes only parted off Numin to make a glance at his clipboard and pen on the floor, rethinking his decision to aggravate such an infamous patient. Although it only took a few mere seconds, the racy thoughts in his head to finish his rounds and leave this room was apparent on his face. A few beads of sweat made a constellation of fear on his brow, and rather than make a deal out of this and call in the head nurse, he decided to pretend this didn’t happen.

After all, if worse comes to worse, he didn’t want Numin breaking loose; Anderson already knew he could. And he didn’t want to be the guilty party who had provoked him.

Without much other words, Anderson gave a sorry glance at Zero, before reaching for the chart on the ground. After hastily clipping on the pen and returning it to Zero’s bed post, he turned heel and left, stumbling slightly in his hurry and shutting the door quickly behind him.

It took Zero a few moments before he realized his body was shaking.

He could hear Numin’s quick, frustrated breaths from across the room. Almost like the breathing of a wolf about to growl. Like an impending attack was coming, that maybe if he stayed still and quiet he could avoid. Meekly, Zero slouched into himself, as if trying to not be there.

He’s used to not being there. He’s used to trying to pretend not to exist. If his dad has taught him anything, it was that.

Numin didn’t say a word. Just kept breathing, deep and upset. Angered.

Zero wanted to remember something about his roommate to trust. To fall back on as reassurance that this man wouldn’t vent his anger upon him now that the nurse is gone.

But aided by his anxiety, his memories all seemed distant and fuzzy.

His head was pounding.

All he could feel right now was fear for him. It felt like his father across the room. It felt like that was the last time he had been sober and so afraid of someone before.

“Zero. Are you okay there?”

It was Numin speaking, anger still laced in those words but concern still surfacing. Yet it wasn’t his voice Zero heard.

It was his father’s.

“Say something. P-pl…” hesitating, as if reluctant to cede his pride, the voice dropped an octave lower before continuing, “p-please, just say something, Zero.”

It sounded like his father’s voice. Not him, not Numin-- It was his father.

The memories burned in his head, blistering with the searing pain of his headache. He can’t remember this roommate. For whatever reason, in this godforsaken bright white room, he only remembers his father.

A few sparse tears beaded his lashes, barely held back from rolling down his hot red face.

“Please… I-I didn’t mean to scare you, just… Just tell me you’re okay, Zero.”

The words didn’t even register.

Zero was already gone.

[dandelionpath]

I’m not sure what to classify this as but like the closest I got to the astral travel I want to achieve was like 👌 (if you can’t see emojis it’s the pinch emoji) like I was meditating and I move starting with the tips of my fingers n toes while physically meditating, I Like was able to change my position astrally more drastically than usual and the voice in my head altered somewhat (like I mean one’s thinking voice lmao) to be more like what I presume the voice of my astral form would be? (1/?)

(2/?) it was pretty cool but like before I could do much else all my muscles like seized up or moved at the same time again and it like brought me back to step 0 >~(3/?) closer and closer and eventually be able to on my own that’d be pretty cool lmao. I’ve technically been able to astral travel before but not in the way I want to specifically, like I have a pocket universe thing where I keep my astral space and thoughtforms (I have one son thoughtform that I joke is basically Jesus cuz he’s like my manager for it and he’s great at his job lmao) and I go there to a beach near my original astral space sometimes to feel the sand and surroundings but it’s (4/?) kinda like I’m there but only remotely? Like it’s like a phantom presence of sorts I guess. I can only get little glimpses of surroundings when I do that rip :( sometimes I can sense and even visualize stuff better though and those times are great lmao but I haven’t yet been able to find what might determine any differences, it seems mostly random >~(5/5) if that would be okay. Thank you again for your help and stuff, and I like reading about your experiences in your posts! Thank you again for your help :D 

FIRST OF ALL, I'M SO SORRY FOR TAKING SUCH A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME TO ANSWER YOU OML?????? I had a whole humongous answer written up and then my computer just chucked it out the window so I procrastinated a lot in writing it all up again aaagh I'm so sorry, that was the worst of me to do to you! Also had mental health stuff going on, but I definitely could have and should have answered you earlier, I am so so so sorry!!!So!! Here I am and let me try to help you as much as I can without writing an entire novel of an answer for you to read OOPs LOLlemme get all the jokes and oohs and aahs out of the way first dsdgsdfjkl: that sounds so cool and exciting omg!! that's such an interesting experience!! i'm glad u had that!! the astral voice is so wildly cool omg??? that's such an incredible experience!!!! god that's the worst feeling where you're finally getting somewhere and then your body just NOPES right out of it aaagh! YOUR JESUS THOUGHTFORM SON SDGDSFJKL I LOVE THAT

okay so first off (UPG and SPG): the pocket dimension ur describing sounds like a realm that's in between ur imagination and the astral. it's a bit of both. it's probably a realm that you created that's part of the astral that you've created. the astral is endless, and you can create new parts of it that aren't attached to anything else. so you've most likely created a little realm of your own that you can change around as you please (most likely using a bit of energy, otherwise that'd be just your imagination if you could move and make things instantly and without expending any energy). in these realms you can invite any spirits you want, and can have thoughtforms and everything there! sometimes realms like yours will eventually grow on their own and attach themselves to other realms, and that's why you still want to ward your space because spirits would be able to get in fairly easily if the realm attaches itself to another realm.in this pocket realm, you can control stuff (and controlling things uses energy) and it follows mostly your own rules i would assume. you can also create things (i always imagine it like minecraft when i'm working on pocket realms lol) but this uses energy as well. does that sound right?so, assuming that's what this is, I think the reason why you're only catching things in glimpses is just because either a) you need more practice, or b) that's just how you experience the astral. it could also be a bit of both of those reasons! personally, when I'm astral traveling, I don't often get full clear HD continuous vision. when i do get that, it's a huge energy drain and it also requires me to be super relaxed and of the right vibration at that time. aka it rarely happens and i actually don't prefer it because it takes way too much energy. it's not worth the energy drain for me! OKAY ANYWAYS LMAO: when i astral travel, i see it in only quick glimpses every few seconds. most of it is actually just me sensing what's going on. it's difficult to explain, but let me attempt to dgsfjkl: imagine that you're in your room and it's pitch black. you have a pretty good idea of where the furniture is, and so you can make your way around without bumping into too much. you know what's around you even though you can't see it. it's kind of like that, except things are moving and speaking and i've often never been there before. i hope that makes sense lmao ^^; (i'm actually considering making an animatic of what my astral travels look like, bc it's difficult to explain,,,, but that's a ton of work lmao) i actually feel a little bit like i'm there remotely, but also not?? i'm often still very much aware of my physical body, but the longer and more focused i am on the astral, then the less aware i become and my physical body kind of fades into the background. 

one tip i have that's helped me is to feel your consciousness in your physical body, and then kind of shift that consciousness to your astral body. sometimes i just like... fling my consciousness/awareness over into the other body, and that works? idk, try it out!

so! for advice, i'd say: 1) keep practicing!   2) lower your expectations for yourself, you're not going to be able to see HD vision in the astral, that's just setting yourself up for failure and frustration!   3) work on talking to spirits some more in this plane! this will help with astral traveling because then you'll kind of know how your metaphysical senses feel when you're doing them right! you'll have a bit of a better idea of how it feels when what you're experiencing is "real" and therefore how it feels when it's fake/you're making stuff up.   4) if you want to, see if you can ask someone (spirit or human) to pull you into the astral! I've done this for a friend of mine, and it did help a bit!   5) and finally, and i think most importantly, remember that this takes practice and work and there won't usually be any immediate gratification. some people take weeks to learn to astral travel, others take months, and some can take years,,, if you practice and work at it regularly, though, i'm sure you'll get there! 

i hope this doesn't get to you after you've got this all figured out (or maybe hopefully it does bc then you'll have progressed a bunch and that's awesome!)! i just hope this helps you in some way, at least even a tiny bit!! let me know!! i'll answer ur q waaaay faster if u send any other ones in, i promise lmao!!!

[svtegg]

introductions (SVT apocalypse!au)

♡ wordcount: 2,1k ♡ chapter 4/? (chapter 1. chapter 2 & chapter 3 is here!)

♡ rating: None! This part is basically introducing more charaters and dialouge! I hope you enjoy it even if its a little slow! 

♡ pairing: svt x reader 

♡ After meeting Mingyu he takes me to another building in what looks to be a camp set up in a mountain resort, he promises to help me fix my dislocated shoulder. Why did I trust him so easily? Would he really help me? What was this place?

The room I walk into is big, a reception is the first thing that meets us and behind the desk is a closed door to what I assume would have been a staff room when this motel looking lot was operating. There are three dusty looking leather couches all placed whimsically around a fireplace with a wooden old looking table in the middle in the corner opposite to the reception. The floor is a worn down dark brown wood and on top is a huge red, dusty and discolored Persian rug. The smell of burnt wood, dust and cardboard is almost overwhelming. I can see the specks of dust floating in the warm air as the last sunlight peeks through the huge windows, outside is only overgrown forest and tall grass. There’s a staircase that leads up, the upper floor lined with several wooden doors to match the wooden walls and wooden railing. Mingyu passes a wall with a huge painting of an elk, and in the paint you could see where the sun hits because its yellow and discolored in an almost perfect diagonal cut. There are several plastic and cardboard boxes strewn and stacked under the staircase but as Mingyu trudges past them I don’t dare to even think about looking into them, afraid that one wrong move would have me dead in seconds.

The tall man leads me into what seems to be the dining area and I can hear several voices from the opening in the wall that leads into the kitchen. The strong smell of something that could be eaten flows through the air. “Smells good boys!” Mingyu hollers, and it causes me to jump a little as we enter the white industrial kitchen. It’s in surprisingly good condition compared to the rest of the world. “Yah! Shut your mouth you lazy oaf, you should have been the one cooking but you just haaad to volunteer to stand guard for that newcom-“ The boy who’s speaking is quickly shut up as both Mingyu and I appear in the middle of the kitchen. There are two other men in the room, one stirring whatever was in that pot, the other sitting on the counter beside the burner. They seem younger than Mingyu as they’re both significantly shorter, one has fairly long black hair and a slimmer face with round eyes that look at you quizzically while the other, the boy who was speaking, has shorter hair a squarer face with smaller eyes, but his nose is incredibly perfect making his face look more masculine and grown. They’re both wearing clothes that look like they’ve never been worn before. “Hey.” The boy on the counter softly speaks, his voice sounding slightly familiar. His tone is friendly, yet stern and firm. I look down as I feel all their eyes on me.

Mingyu is the first to speak. “What are you making?” he snickers, leaning against the counter adjacent to the one the other boys are currently occupying, leaving me standing almost in the middle of the room. Counter boy laughs and looks at the boy beside him. “I have no idea. Something with that ancient ham Seungcheol hyung found a couple weeks ago.” The boy lightly laughs, his voice seemingly full of life and cheerful. They all laugh. “Oh, yeah!” Mingyu suddenly speaks, almost like he suddenly realized I was still in the room. He looks at me quickly then at the other two boys. “Her shoulder is dislocated.” He states as a matter of fact, the boy that was previously stirring the pot hisses in understanding and looks at me apologetically, his eyes darting back to Mingyu. “I’m gonna pop it back into place but I’m gonna need one of you to help me hold her.” He casually speaks as he leans back against the counter. My head snaps up. “What?”

“Sure. You wanna do it now?” The boy on the counter says, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans his head back against one of the cabinets behind him. My stomach growls as I stare at Mingyu. “What do you mean hold me down?” I ask harshly, looking at him with as much toughness as I can muster. “It’s gonna hurt, and if you move to much it might pop back in wrong and it’s just gonna make it worse for you in the future.” Stirring boy says, his voice softer as he tries to explain to me that they just wanna help me. I breathe in deeply. “Fine.” I say as I breathe out.

They conclude that the best place to do it is on the rug in the entrance hall, the rug acting as some sort of protection from whatever was gonna happen in a couple minutes. As we make out way out, the boy on the counter staying behind to watch the food that was currently “safetyboiling”, the two others make small talk about lookout duty and the rations they had. I wasn’t really paying attention until the three of us arrived at the said carpet. “Okay, so I’ll hold her and you pop it back in place?” Mingyu checked, the other boy nodding and gesturing for me to lay down. I hesitated, but decided anything else than having my entire right arm not work for the rest of my life is good, and got down on the floor. As I breathed in the scent of the old rug that encased my face, Mingyu positioned himself so his knees where on either side of my head, and then he took a hold of my working shoulder and lightly pressed it down into the rug. Then he looked up at the other boy. I could feel the anticipation form in my stomach, and I started feeling my hands getting clammy.

The boy looked down at me, his dark brown eyes filled with something close to compassion and as the evening sun from the huge window hit his face, he gently took a hold of my right hand, then the other on my elbow. “This is gonna hurt, take a deep breath.” He instructed in a low voice, and just as I finished breathing in he moved my arm and shoulder in a circular motion. My vision blurred and I think I let out a scream as my entire shoulder beat in pain and I could feel my heartbeat in my chest. I’m not sure, but I think I lost consciousness for a couple seconds and when I came to it the boy was looking down at me, his hand still grasping mine firmly. As our eyes met, I mustered out a quiet “I’m Y/N.” as I tried to even out my breaths. The boy laughed heartily, his head thrown back and torso shaking. The sound was the most beautiful thing I’d heard in almost 5 years and I felt a wave of peacefulness crash through my body.

“Hi Y/N, I’m Chan.” The boy answered, his face cracked into a huge grin as he helped me off the ground. Mingyu’s hand met my shoulder to help me steady myself as I took a few shaky steps forward. Then I laughed, a quiet laugh that sounded more like a breath but still, a laugh. “How does your shoulder feel?” Mingyu rasped, his eyes searching my face as I moved around a little. “Good.” I answered and lifted my right hand slightly, shaking it a little to check if it was actually real. The subtle dull ache in my hand was nothing compared to how it felt just a few minutes ago. “Thanks.” I breathed out and looked up to meet the eyes of Chan who was still smiling slightly at me. He gave a confirming head nod as if to say you’re welcome. “Let’s go eat. I am starving.” Mingyu giggled, as he began trudging towards the kitchen.

As we ate, I learned the other boy in the kitchen was the one who had found me in the park the day I thought I died, his name was Minghao. Minghao was rather quiet, but he explained that he thought you were dead when he and Seungcheol found me, but just as he was about to walk away I had muttered something and they had realized I was very much alive. As we ate the three of them told me about their group. They where 7 guys who had all come from different groups, but somehow all ended up here. Migyu and Minghao had been in a group with two others, Wonwoo and Jisoo when they had come across this place and in one of the rooms, they had found Seungcheol, Chan and Hoshi. They had been hiding out because Seungcheol has been shot by a group of raiders. He was barely alive when they met, but Mingyu and Jisoo who has medical training, managed to help Seungcheol and they ended up just teaming up and camping up the resort. They had managed to get electricity back up and they had running water since the water supply was mostly natural and supplied by gravital force.

As I shoved another spoonful of the concoction Chan and Minhao had been making another boy made his way into the kitchen are. “Minghao it’s your shift.” The tall lanky man muttered as he sat down opposite to me and grabbed a bowl. Minghao excused himself and disappeared silently. Silence took over the room as the new man started eating. I eyed him up and down, he was slim, dark hair hanging down over his eyebrows and almost covering the dark circles under his eyes. He looked up and met eyes with me for a couple of seconds before he looked back down and kept eating. Mingyu began talking about something I didn’t really hear, and I kept eyeing the unfamiliar man. “Take it easy the next week or so, your shoulder needs to settle properly before you do any heavy activity.” Chan spoke up, and my eyes darted over to him. He was getting up, taking his and Mighao’s bowls with him into the kitchen. “Save some for the others, hyung.” Mingyu said as he got up too, taking his utensils with him. The man across from me gave a short dip of his head as if to nod. I looked at Mingyu as he moved around the long table. “You can probably go back to your room after you’re done, your stuff is in the utility room, but you won’t need it during the night anyway. I’ll come check on you tomorrow morning to see how your shoulder is doing. Have a good night!” He smiled, running a hand through his hair yet again and then turned to walk into the kitchen.

I sat back in my chair, looking around as the only noises I could hear where the slow chewing sounds of the man opposite of me. I noticed there was a huge light hanging from the ceiling, it looked to be some kind of contemporary art piece with lightbulbs hanging from it and it didn’t fit in at all. I let out a breath, almost sounding like some kind of snort. “It’s ugly, right?” the man spoke up, his voice dark and breathy. I hummed in response, my eyes darting down to his face. He was also looking up at the contraption above. “The interior designer of this entire place did a horrible job, to be fair” He quickly continued as he bent his head back down to spoon some more food into his mouth. I let my eyes fall upon his face. He was undoubtedly attractive, his sharp cheekbones and straight nose making his face appear more masculine and stronger, while his soft eyes and plump lips gave him almost a cat like look. “What happened to your shoulder?” He asked, almost in a nonchalant tone, but still peeked up at my face to gauge my reaction. We held eye contact for a second before I had to look away.

“I dislocated it.” I stated, my voice coming out harsher than I meant it to. He hummed in response. It was quiet for another couple of seconds, until the sound of the tall man putting down his bowl broke the silence. “I’m Wonwoo.” He offered as he got up, placing his spoon in his now empty bowl then picking the bowl up. “See you around.” He gave a small smile, almost not even noticeable before he turned around and strode towards the kitchen. I just looked at his back as he slipped through the swing door into the white tiled kitchen. His wide shoulders covered in a blue button-down shirt with small white stripes down the length of it, and long legs adorned in baggy black pants that looked like they were several decades old. Then he disappeared.

a/n: Hiiii! thanks for reading! This part is a bit slow but i promise it gets better in the next parts!! feedback or requests can be sent via my ask! love u mwah 

[connywrites]

of flesh and blood 5

start - part [4]

-

Gavin had barely come back from a long day of work, locking the door behind him as he headed towards the couch, and that was when he felt the yank of his hair, pulling him down from his usual height followed by a blistering pain in his nose and upper jaw, suddenly hit with the sensation of the surface of the end table bluntly grazing his face.

“What the fuck—” The familiar silver eyes met his as the RK900 was knelt on the ground, one hand holding him in place by the hair with the other gripping both wrists, now held behind his back; the abrupt and unexpected disposition already multiplied his heartrate into an unsafe range.

“While I know you use crass slang to emphasize and exaggerate your points, after hearing ‘fuck’ well over two thousand five hundred times, I suggest you try a different one. It might have more effect.” Gavin hissed an exhale through his teeth, glaring down the android acting all too calm for what it had done to him moments ago, still holding him with his knees to the ground and his cheek to the polished wood.

“What are you doin’? I mean, great to see you got fixed so fast this time,” he remarked with sarcasm, “but damn. Attacked in my own home? That’s a few law violations,” he said slyly, but the RK900 only laughed a mocking laugh in response, the same kind of chuckle Gavin would emit after he’d heard something particularly disagreeable in lieu of snarky words. The chuckle was new, sharp, sinking its metaphorical teeth in deep as it was clearly aiming to somehow manipulate his emotions. Why, he wasn’t sure – he’d never seen the RK900 quite so sinister before.

“I couldn’t carry out your commands properly last time, but my algorithm has been updated and I think you’ll be impressed. One might say I am barely getting started,” it taunted, and Gavin felt his weight lift off the ground in a way he hadn’t experienced since he was young enough to be picked up by his father. The way he was thrown back to the ground and into the nearest wall was equally familiar. Sparks flew in front of his vision as the impact was tougher than he could have expected in the few seconds he was plunged through the air, and soon enough, his balance was gone and the next thing he knew he was chest-down on the floor with the sharpened curve of an expensive shoe pressing into his spine.

“Well, ow,” he muttered with the usual sarcastic bite, even though he had no idea what was going on. Carry out earlier instructions? What had he told this thing to do, and to him, of all things? All he could remember was that a couple extra doses of the pain medication was missing once he finally roused this morning with some kind of lethargic medication hangover that kept his mind fuzzy until he had a thick Rueben sandwich at lunch to absorb the toxins and caffeine, thoroughly refreshing his body and mind, yet leaving behind the damage that was already done.

“Oh, that hurts?” The sarcasm in RK900’s voice was new, and nigh on palpable with its heavy tone. Gavin fumed, only to be responded to with a crack in his neck that struck with a sharp pain, the rapid contraction to his trachea cutting his breath as only one large, strong hand picked him up off the ground with choking constriction.

“How does it feel now?” Gavin’s eyes filled with tears out of a natural pain response, feeling his Adam’s apple press into the android’s palm while he tried to swallow so as not to choke and continue breathing despite the tickle in his throat.

“Sth-stop,” he murmured, words hoarse from the pressure on his windpipe.

“What’s that?” Its voice was dripping with taunting satire and it wore a wry, nigh evil grin.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, it struck an old-forgotten fear in him like lightning, digging into the phobia he had over the androids themselves—the fact they were composed of inorganic structures, man-made from the strongest materials was enough on its own to skyrocket his paranoia and spiral it into raw fright as the tables had turned as he felt protective of his own flesh and bones, fragile in comparison to metal and bolts, a situation he never expected to find himself in.

“I can’t hear you.” There was no time to acknowledge the ironic satire before his ears were ringing from the blow of another hit he’d endured, splintering pain stabbing into his flesh as hot glass splattered across his skin. It was blistering, the plethora of slicing stings as small amounts of curved, sharp edges dug into his flesh with a hot sizzle from the bulb while his weight collapsed into the lamp.

“Stop it,” he said again, under his breath and with more gumption than usual despite the weakness tearing at his voice.

Time stood still and his eyes stared into the robotic replication that were its own optical units, while strong, flawless, printless fingers gripped harder around his neck to the point it became difficult to breathe.

If he spoke words out loud, he risked the concept of being taken as an idiot, something he was rapidly aware of when he let his voice catch in his throat. Suddenly in the position of the victim, he couldn’t muster anything witty to say, staring into the newly replaced eyes of the android now in power; metallic silver rings around narrow black pupils, holding information he was unaware of within their blank depths.

“You told me to hurt you.” It intensified its squeeze, satisfied by the feeling of popping cartilage with the pressure on the human’s trachea. Gavin tried to cough, but mostly sucked in an inhale as his breathing turned into wheezing, eyes watering while his hands were free enough to grip at its wrist and dig in his nails, prying to try and scrape at the skin.

Squinting at the android while his eyebrows shifted, they lowered over his eyes, and he shook his head. 900 loosened its grip just enough enable Gavin the ability to speak, however gruff it was from the constriction.

“N-no, I didn’t,” he said before it was too late to remember whether he actually did or not.

“I don’t remember telling you that,” he explained in a quiet, defensive tone, but the fear was still evident within the gleam of his eyes.

“Well, that’s too bad, as it’s been permanently embedded into my instructions. You know, I must say, this whole situation? This little tussle of ours? I find it rather cathartic.” Confused, Gavin looked away in the direction of where his pistol was stored, wishing for nothing more than to have the device in his hands, to feel safe and protected again.

“With all this deviancy going around, my programming was updated so I can simulate emotions in the same way you would feel them – but I can choose which ones to feel, and when. Are you afraid of your lack of control?” Naturally he was, a fact it knew all too well.

“Of course not,” Gavin retaliated defensively, despite the panic still evident in his voice.

“Liar”. It knew what a lie was and how to identify it with the ability to scan the signs and symptoms, but mostly it spat the word with vigor in mockery of when Gavin said something similar just days ago—‘don’t lie to me. I know you’re capable of it.’

Ultimately, Gavin felt wholly defeated, the tension in his grip around the android’s wrist loosening as he started to realize his chances were diminishing and his consciousness started to fade, the bloodflow to his brain beginning to stall from the constriction of his central aortas in his neck; a deliberate act on the RK900’s behalf.

“Are you beginning to feel lightheaded yet?” The watery redness in Gavin’s eyes showed the answer, even if he didn’t speak. With his movements becoming more frantic, the muscles bulged beneath his flesh while he strained to yank robotic hands away, jerking with all his strength and digging his nails as pops of bright white fireworks and stars starting to cross his vision, dimming the corners with tunnel vision.

“Ah. If I’m not careful, you’ll lose too much oxygen. It could do damage to your brain, and I don’t think you need any more of that.” Gavin hissed through his teeth after a deep, wheezing breath, kicking his legs at what was now nothing but darkness as adrenaline made him fight for survival, whatever that seemed to take. Even in the oncoming dizziness and flickering shadows writhing their way into his mind with spindly legs and vibrations behind his throbbing pulse of his heavy, rapid heartbeat, he fought with every burst of energy he had, even when he couldn’t see or breathe. Slipping away from the world around him, the fearful, falling feeling that struck him when he’d just about fall asleep before hypnagogic jerks would snap him right back into consciousness before he’d even reached REM, blank hours lost in his mind between waking and dormancy. With the position he was in and how quickly he was losing touch with reality, he wondered if he’d wake up this time.

[maidenariana]

Long but Hopefully Helpful Post

As promised, here is a write-up about the last 7 days of my gender confirmation surgery recovery (11/29/17 to 12/6/17). My surgery was completed on November 15th. At this point, I am now three weeks post-op.

During this past week, I mainly rested and watched tons of Netflix. My movement was still very limited at the beginning of this period. Each time I would lift myself up from a laying position, I would be sore and have to move carefully.

On Thursday 11/30/17, I had a follow up appointment at my surgeon’s office. The goal for this appointment was to check my healing progress, but it was also for a lesson in dilating, and the point at which I would begin self-dilating sessions at home. It took me a while to decide what level of detail to write about dilation. There are many posts out there about it already and each surgeon seems to have a slightly different recommended schedule. I want to again point out that my desire for gender confirmation surgery has always been about bringing my body into alignment with my gender. It has never been about a desire to have a phallic shaped object up inside of me. As I discussed in other posts, gender is experienced neurologically, and some of us are born with our body out of alignment with our gender (it really is fairly simple to explain!). Sexual preference and desire are all separate from gender. I of course read a ton about this surgery and I knew that dilation can be both tedious and painful and eventually some do find it pleasurable. I was not sure what to expect, only that along with everything I have committed to in pursuing this surgery, I was committing to eventually dilating on a schedule. The intent of my blog has always been to hopefully be a positive resource for other transgender people while also educating others about what life is like for us. Bearing that in mind, here is my recount of my experience at my “dilation appointment.” This may be TMI (too much information) for some, and if you are a family member of mine, feel free to skip this post ;)

-- Dilation Details (and my appointment play-by-play)--

My Mom drove me to the appointment since I still was not supposed to sit upright and was not cleared for driving. I ride with the seat back as far as it can go and with a small pillow under one thigh to sort of side-saddle the seat. The appointment began with a brief check in with one of the nurses who just confirmed what I was there for and she gave me a gown with instructions to remove all clothing. The whole surgical team walked in once I was ready. It was my surgeon, his attending physician and physician’s assistant. At this point, I am of course familiar with all of them and being basically naked in front of them was no big deal. This appointment, like dilation itself is a procedure with a medical purpose so I looked at it as such. They asked how I was doing, we talked briefly about the additional stitches and the scare I had only 3 days prior to the appointment. One of them checked the recent stitches and said they looked good and assured me that there was very little risk of the issue repeating. 

With that, one of them asked if I remembered to bring the dilators. There were 5 dilators in total that were given to me at the hospital and I certainly did not forget to bring them. The dilators come in varying sizes from small to scary big. The beginning ones are pliable while the later stage ones are rigid. They proceeded to clean the first two dilators and told me that I would only be starting out with those two and moving up to the third only when I was ready. I was given instructions on cleaning the dilators. They are cleaned simply with non-abrasive anti-bacterial soap. I was told that I should also clean them with betadine a couple of times a week. Next, I was told to use tons of lube and that KY Jelly (of which I had already acquired a 4-pack of from amazon) was perfect for the job. 

The team were all wearing gloves of course. My surgeon personally instructed me as he began my first dilation. The first dilator is yellow and you can see it in a picture a little later in this post. It was shown to me heavily lubed so I had an idea on the amount I should use. The surgeon suggested that I place lube on my finger to locate the right position of my vagina for insertion (as it is not very easy to see looking down in a prone position, but you get the hang of it really quickly based on the length of your arm and if you are in a similar position each time), however he was going to do so this time. He quickly mentioned the location of the various parts of my new anatomy (all of which I already knew, but he was being thorough), giving each a light touch as he went.  He did ask if I could feel him touching the clitoris (as there is a very small chance feeling can be lost in any given area). I told him that I could feel it and he said “That’s good!” 

I was told to be as relaxed as possible. Using breathing or any other relaxation techniques that I know. In general, I am fairly good at easing tension in muscles with breathing and intentional “letting go” of tension. When you concentrate on doing this you can almost always find a few more muscles in your body that are still tense that you need to consciously release. However, in this instance, it did take me a bit. I will explain why in a moment. 

It was time, my surgeon began to slowly insert the first dilator at a 45 degree angle and instructed me as he went. There is a point very early on where it will stop and that is when downward pressure is also applied to change the angle of the dilator to be more parallel with my body. This is done very slowly and steadily. Imagine insertion being done at a constant very slow pace that will take 3 to 5 minutes to complete. This is tissue that is still in the process of healing and there is to be no thrusting and no tearing! With the dilator about 75% of the way in I did voice some pain. I had not relaxed my body enough. I think I was struggling because of the mindset I had been living under in the days prior to this appointment. I was treating my body like it was made of fragile glass.. especially after the bleeding scare and being rushed to the ER for more stitches. I was harboring fear of more issues and I was tense. The surgeon gently pushed down on both of my legs (I was laying in a frog-legged position) to show me that there was still lots of room to relax and that my body could do it. I breathed more, called up some calmness from somewhere and felt even my shoulders relax more. The pain eased and before I knew it the dilator was all the way in. The surgical team acted like a bunch of cheerleaders for a moment and congratulated me. I was instructed to hold it there for around 5 minutes or a little more before moving onto the larger orange dilator. This stair stepping approach teaches the body to relax and accept each larger size while keeping the vagina from losing depth. 

Removing the first dilator also has to happen slowly to prevent tissue damage, although it is still much faster than the painstakingly slow insertion. The next dilator went in just like the first as far as the angle and then change of angle after that initial stopping point. I was worried there would be more painful moments with this one and there were a couple, but I just had to again do some mental easing of tension and eventually we were there. With the orange one fully inserted it was certainly more uncomfortable to hold in place for the full 5 minutes, but I managed it. The surgeon slowly removed the second dilator and just like that we were done. I was told that cleanup would obviously be a little messy and to of course wipe front to back just like cleanup after urinating (duh!). Wearing a good pad is a must as even though you may think you have all of the lube out some more will eventually find its way out. 

I was instructed to initially dilate twice a day with these two dilators and to douche once a day after both dilating sessions. Douching involves using about 400ml of a 1-to-1 solution of water and vinegar, followed by a similar amount of just water to clear out the vinegar residue. I was also told to douche once or twice a week with a 1-to-1 solution of water and Betadine, followed by just water again to clear it out. Betadine is the same iodine based (thankfully I do not have an iodine allergy) solution that is used on skin in surgery. Its color is horrifying and as I eventually found out.. douching with it looks like something out of a horror movie. No joke. Bleghh!!

I was again congratulated by the team and I was told that everything is healing great and despite my one setback that I have been doing amazingly well. I thanked them all, and was told I may be a little shaky getting up (I was!). I was told to come back the following Wednesday to have the stitches I got in the ER removed. After they left, I got cleaned up and dressed. I stopped in the bathroom real quick and took the photo below. My head was spinning thinking about the schedule I would now be on, but I did not look too worse for wear!

My Mom and I headed home, but not before a woman in the waiting room begged me to tell her wear I found my black sweater dress (I told her I was pretty sure it was from Macy’s but from a year or two ago). It was nice to hear a random compliment again :)

Once I was home, my Mom went to the drugstore for me to buy me a douching kit and Betadine (that’s a great Mom!). After she headed out the door to go home, I was left contemplating my new dilation schedule and all it entailed. I am not going to lie, I was intimidated. This schedule is just a starting point too and it will be expanded (lol, what a pun) all too soon. You all know I am a busy person when I am not recovering from surgery. I work, take care of two kids part of every week and then I blog, stream on Twitch and try to manage to have a social life. This seemed like it was going to throw a big wrench in something. 

The next day, at first it did feel like a huge production. I kind of over-prepared. Just look at my setup:

What you see above are wipes, KY Jelly, the two dilators, a wash cloth, two small washable bed pads (I had bought a package of 4 in case of any bleeding issues on my sofa during recovery which did not happen - but thankfully they are handy for dilation at least!), a little pillow from another galaxy for my lower back, and a pillow encased in its plastic cover for my legs (easing tension remember). Not shown is my pillow for my head which is the same one I use to sleep. Also not shown is my phone, which I set off to the side playing my ‘thumbs up’ playlist on Google Play Music. This way, I don’t even need to watch a clock, once a dilator is fully inserted, I just listen to two full songs to time how long to hold it in. I am still using this setup today, so I guess I did a good job of thinking through what would work best. Also, douching felt like a huge chore at first too. The logistics of moving about your bathroom to get what you need and make a solution and clean up things all tend to take time when you are not wanting lube to be leaking from you all over the place.. but I am already getting quicker at it and have a system for that now too ;) Perhaps life will go on unimpeded due to having to dilate :)

-- End Dilation Details --

Now for other notes from this past week.

At my dilation appointment, I also had asked for the surgeon and his notary (she is right there in the office) to fill out my Affidavit forms for updating my birth certificate. They did so and it is now in the mail! 

I should have my updated copies in several weeks!

The weather in the Chicago area was unseasonably warm until yesterday. As a result I was actually able to get several short walks in over the weekend. I walked in a ring around my condo complex, just in case anything happened health-wise and I needed to get back to my place quickly. 

The weather was great and the walks were very refreshing, but I found myself falling asleep for a short nap not long after each walk. This was not bad considering I was still just barely over two weeks post op at this point and fatigue is still expected.

From Friday through Sunday and into Monday evening, I was entirely on my own. Even though I live alone, it was the longest stretch I can ever remember having without face to face human contact (other than my short walks that weekend, but I did not see anyone I knew so I did not speak to anyone). I chatted with friends online of course and had a few phone calls, but it is not the same. On Sunday, I did actually randomly cry for a bit. It was both tension release and just feeling very tired. I am allowed to feel randomly overwhelmed when my body is recovering and I am running on empty in the energy department :) I was also staring at a pile of dishes and decided to clean up once I calmed down a bit. On Monday evening, a good friend came over and brought me a Jimmy Johns wrap (unwich) for dinner. We talked for about two hours and I felt a little bad about talking her ear off :) It was just what the doctor ordered though because my overall mood was much improved. 

Tuesday was a nice relaxing day with just sticking to my dilation/douching schedule as my only thing to worry about. 

On Wednesday, it was time to get the stitches out! Yay! This will mean that I can take full showers finally rather than the piece-meal half showers I was doing to avoid getting my stitches wet. 

I was looking forward to having the stitches out and I think you can tell in my pics below. I was also feeling more energetic and further along with my mobility. I wore a sweater dress and warm tights as the temperature was around 32 degrees. 

This appointment (Wednesday 12/6/17) was back at the surgeon’s office. This time it was the surgeon and his female Physician’s Assistant, although the Attending Physician also poked his head in real quick to say Hi. I have to pause and mention that I am VERY HAPPY with my surgical team. I know there are a few bad reviews out there for this office, but people need to remember that a medical practice especially in this field takes time to build and the office staff has a decent amount of turnover so there can be issues there, but my experience with Dr. Schechter’s surgical team has been nothing short of outstanding. They do care about you and show it.

The stitches came out with no pain or issues and we discussed how to care for my scars to begin to reduce their appearance over time. It was suggested that I use Aquafor for now. We also discussed when I could drive again and it was left up to me based on my current progress, but the factors I needed to meet were the ability to sit upright for longer periods of time and that my range of motion needed to be there to operate all aspects of the vehicle of course. I do feel I need more time, but that I will likely be driving by sometime next week. I am going to work on sitting upright more over the next few days. I was also told that I did not need to come back for a checkup for another month! 

All indications are that I am doing phenomenally well! I will also be returning to work the latter part of next week. 

I snapped a couple of more pictures after they left the room, wishing me well. 

So after a nearly a week of dilating, how do I feel about it? Well, I still consider it a bit of a chore and it feels more like necessary exercise than anything that I will ever truly “look forward to.” I mean, I can handle it and it is not going to be a crazy schedule forever. I imagine a stereo-typical dude-bro out there thinking.. “Oh yeah she will crave the big D now.. “  (sorry, I know a lot of guys that are not like this..)  

Um.. no, I don’t think so. I have posted about my sexuality before, talking about how I do not ever really feel lust or sexual attraction to someone unless I already have a relationship with them and truly know them. Also, I am more interested in the quality of the person than I am in a specific gender. So, to all of those accounts that message me with a picture of your junk or a phallic profile photo .. take it elsewhere please. I just block those types of accounts anyways.

On a more positive note, I am feeling rather wonderful. I am again grateful to those that donated to assist me in paying for at least a portion of my surgery.

Your girl Ariana is nearly ready to get back in the game!!

You all better watch out!

Take care everyone ;)

-Ari

*** REBLOGS OKAY ONLY IF YOUR BLOG IS FREE OF PORN AND IS NOT A FETISH BLOG ***

My website: http://arianadanielle.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ariana_T_G

My Twitch channel: http://twitch.tv/maidenariana

[basketcase789]

Mistaken IV

“Caught in this game of unmet expectations I want to leave it all behind.” - Amanda Falk

Group: Seventeen Member: Woozi (feat. others) Genre: soulmate au, angst, fluff Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Your eyes flew open, and you needed to take a moment to orient yourself. It seemed you’d fallen asleep on the couch last night after the concert. You groggily moved your hand around in search of your phone and found it nestled beside you - when you glanced at the screen you were surprised to see it was only 5:30 in the morning.

The nightmares were getting worse. You’d just woken from a dream where Jihoon told you he never wanted to see you again, and it wasn’t entirely wrong; after the way he’d looked at you yesterday he’d all but said the words. It felt almost as real as your revelation dream had.

Knowing you wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, you grabbed your jacket and decided to go out for a walk. You decided to forego food, as you weren’t particularly hungry.

You wandered around, first walking throughout your neighbourhood and then heading downtown. You weren’t sure where your feet were taking you, but deep down you were hoping you’d somehow run into Jihoon out here in the streets. Although you didn’t know what you would say to him if you did. But the universe supposedly wanted you two together, right?

You continued walking for hours, eventually feeling lost and cold. The frigid weather definitely didn’t help, but you’d had a chill you couldn’t seem to shake ever since the concert last night.

If you were hungry, you didn’t notice.

If your legs hurt, you didn’t notice.

You were still hoping the universe would let you get another glimpse of Jihoon, if only to apologize to him, before he and the others left for their next concert. They’d said they would be leaving after today, and who knew the next time you’d get to see him.

But you never crossed paths. Realistically, when you thought about it, he was probably laying low inside their hotel until they had to leave. He obviously didn’t want to see you.

Still, you didn’t want to give up.

It started to snow lightly, and the sky darkened as the evening grew late. You walked until you couldn’t walk anymore. You didn’t even notice when you collapsed to the ground, and couldn’t get back up.

You awoke to the sound of steady beeping. You groaned - if you didn’t know any better you’d have thought you’d been run over by a dump truck. Your eyes were heavy, but after a couple tries you managed to open them.

“Good, you’re awake.”

It looked like you were in a small hospital room. The gentle voice came from the end of your bed, where a man in white robes stood reading over your chart. He had very soft facial features, and he looked young.

“I’m Dr. Choi,” he said. “But please, call me Ren.”

“You’re a doctor? But…”

“I look too young, right?” He smiled, and if it was possible he looked even more gentle and reassuring than he had a moment ago. “I get that a lot. It’s because I was in an accelerated program. Don’t worry though, I was top of my class, so you’re in good hands.”

“Why am I here?” you said, and tried to sit up.

“That’s what I’m here to find out. I was called here a few days ago because no one could seem to find out what was wrong with you.”

“Wait - a few days ago?” You brought a hand up to your forehead, noticing an IV attached to your arm for the first time. “Oh no, that means I’ve missed work.”

“Don’t worry, your co-worker was in and said she’s taking care of your shifts for you. Now, can you tell me the last thing you remember?”

You sighed. “Umm… I was walking around, and… thinking about my soulmate...”

“Oh, speaking of, we didn’t have your soulmate’s contact information on file. I’d recommend having them come by to see you, they must be very worried about you.”

“About that…” You frowned. If it had been a few days, that meant Seventeen had completed their last concert and were probably back in Seoul already. “It won’t be possible. He’s in South Korea right now.”

Ren’s voice softened in understanding. “Have you been experiencing any chest pain recently? How about chills?”

“Yes, both actually.”

“And when was the last time you ate before you lost consciousness?”

“Uhhh…”

Ren put your chart back in its spot at the end of your bed. “I think I know what’s wrong. Sometimes when we’re separated from our soulmates for too long our immune systems weaken. Besides feeling generally unwell, other symptoms can include chest pain, chills, mood swings, changes in appetite… sound familiar?”

“Oh… yeah, that sounds like me. What’s the remedy?”

“It’s easy. Once your soulmate returns your symptoms will go away. Until then make sure to eat healthy, get some exercise and plenty of rest. And when your soulmate gets back, skin-to-skin contact is the quickest way to eliminate symptoms.” You frowned again as he picked up your chart and scribbled something. “I’m going to keep you here one more night for additional testing, just to make sure it’s not something else. But you should be good to go home tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” you said, and he left you alone to rest. You didn’t have the courage to tell the doctor that your soulmate wouldn’t be coming back. Or that he didn’t even want you. Or that you’d been coughing up blood.

The weeks passed without much incident. The symptoms persisted, but hadn’t gotten any worse, it seemed. You’d been working hard, trying to keep yourself occupied from the hurt. But to be honest, you were exhausted.

You’d been avoiding any news about Seventeen. Your one relief, looking up cute or happy pictures of Jihoon, wasn’t an option anymore because you were only reminded of the last time you did, and you were afraid you’d be hospitalized again.

You were on your lunch break, scrolling mindlessly on your phone when a suggested video popped up in your notifications - of Seventeen. In the thumbnail Jihoon was smiling, and against your better judgement you clicked on it. It felt like ages since you’d last seen his face.

The video was a new interview with Seventeen which had you laughing within minutes. You’d missed watching silly care-free videos like this. They were just being themselves, and you felt lighthearted for the first time in a long time. Your friend even noticed your laughing and just shook her head.

“So, Jihoon… I hear your twenty-first birthday is soon. What are your thoughts about your upcoming revelation dream?”

He smiled and looked down shyly. The others laughed and poked fun at him. “I’m excited,” he finally replied.

You swallowed past a lump in your throat. You knew you should have stopped the video there, but he just looked so happy that you couldn’t look away.

“Do you think that you’ll be pleased with the outcome?”

He nodded with a bright smile. “Yes, I think I will be. Very pleased.”

The last thing you noticed before closing the video was Joshua in the corner of the screen looking unconvinced.

Jihoon had looked so happy. He was obviously looking forward to dreaming about the person he loved on the night of his approaching birthday. You were about to ruin his life.

You got up from the booth you were sitting in so you could get back to work. Your leg wobbled as you stood, and you had to sit back down as yet another one of your coughing fits suddenly overcame you. You were shaking uncontrollably and your body felt frozen by the time it passed. You looked down at your hand and discovered much more blood than usual.

You saw your friend rush over at the sound of your coughing. You were losing strength, and slid out of the booth and onto the floor. “I think I need… hospital…” you tried to say before everything went black.

“Ji-hoon! Ji-hoon!”

Jihoon’s members were chanting as he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was finally the night he’d been waiting for ever since he was a little kid. Since the day he met that girl so many years ago, to be exact. He couldn’t wait to have a glimpse into her life - they hadn’t spoken in a long time, and he wondered what she’d been up to.

They had a rule at the dorm to be as quiet as possible on the night of someone’s twenty-first birthday. They didn’t want to accidentally wake the birthday boy and cut his revelation dream short. Although, it wouldn’t matter if they did in Jihoon’s case. He wouldn’t be needing any clues to find his soulmate, after all.

Jihoon climbed into bed early, and drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face.

Next thing he knew he was in a small room with white walls. He could even smell… antiseptics? He looked around and there were two other people in the room - sitting in a chair was a man who appeared to be a doctor, and beside him was someone in a hospital bed.

Jihoon’s jaw hung open. Laying in the bed was the girl from that one fanmeeting a few months ago. No, this was wrong, there had to be some kind of mistake. There had to be. He tried his hardest to look away from the scene laid out before him but his view was now fixed solely on you.

His heart sank as he resigned himself to his fate. You were his real soulmate.

You who had shown up to the fanmeeting, who he’d thought looked cute when he first peeked out from behind the stage curtain and saw you smiling innocently to yourself. You who tried to tell him the truth at the fanmeet only to be humiliated instead. You who had courageously showed up to his concert, only to be ignored by him.

He’d ignored a lot of things about you. The way your smile, when your eyes first met at the fansigning, somehow had made him glow inside. The way hearing his name on your lips made his heart flutter. The way you running away only to hurt yourself had given him a twinge of pain, too. And the way Jisoo saying he saw you leave the concert sick made him worried. He’d ignored all of it. How could he have been so blind?

He took a good look at you for the first time. You looked very different now - frail. Why were you in a hospital? You looked like you weren’t moving at all, were you okay?

Just then you opened your eyes, and he sighed with relief.

“I’d say welcome back, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to see you here again.” The voice came from the doctor, just outside Jihoon’s view. “Your co-worker filled me in on everything. I guess there were a few things you didn’t mention about your soulmate.”

You frowned. “I’m sorry. I know I should have told you.”

“I understand, it’s not the easiest thing to bring up.”

Jihoon watched your conversation with his mouth gaping open. What on earth were you two talking about?

You started to cough and sat up. The doctor quickly handed you a small plastic basin, which you grabbed onto and continued coughing into. When you stopped and sat back, Jihoon was alarmed to see the bottom of the basin stained with blood.

“So what are my options, now?” you said. You sounded weak to Jihoon.

“I’ve diagnosed you with something called cordicitus morbus. Have you heard of it?”

You and Jihoon both shook your heads.

“Not many people have, since it’s so rare for someone to be rejected by their soulmate. It starts off with depression-like symptoms, but evolves into very physical symptoms as well. It’s your body’s natural reaction to not only not getting to be with your soulmate, but being rejected. Since your soulmate is basically the cure, your symptoms will continue to get worse and worse until you’re in a coma, and eventually…”

You gulped, not needing him to finish.

Jihoon felt as if the room had just dropped ten degrees. He’d done this to you?

“Fortunately…” the doctor continued in a gentle voice, “there’s an emergency procedure we can do to fix it.”

“What kind of procedure?”

“It’s an invasive surgery that will, in the simplest terms, kill your bond with your soulmate. It will be excruciating for you, but it will save your life. Afterwards, you won’t feel anymore pain from your soulmate’s rejection, and you can go on living your life. But, you won’t get to experience the same pleasures and joy from your soulmate ever again.”

“Does it have any negative effects on him? Would he then be able to pursue whoever he wants?”

Jihoon’s chest constricted. How could you possibly be thinking about him at a time like this?

“His side of your bond will remain intact, unless he also has the surgery. But he will have no side effects from your procedure. As your doctor... I have to recommend you have the surgery. If you do decide to, I suggest you contact your soulmate, although it’s not mandatory by any means. Maybe he’ll change his mind about things.”

You were tired of wishful thinking. “I doubt it. I don’t want to guilt-trip him into being with me or anything.” You sighed. “I’ll need to think about all of this for a bit.”

“Of course,” he said gently. “I have a brochure here for you to look over. It goes into more detail.” You reached out to take the paper. “Have some rest for now. If you decide on having the surgery we can schedule you in right away.”

“Thank you.”

Jihoon heard a door open and close and assumed the doctor left.

You sighed and lay back down in the bed, flipping through the brochure. He heard you sniffle and then choke back a sob. His heart broke as he heard you say, “I loved you.”

Jihoon’s eyes flew open to stare at the bunk bed above him. He rubbed at his damp cheeks and sniffled. He must have been crying in his sleep, and he found that he couldn’t seem to stop.

He couldn’t stop because the person he thought was his soulmate for his whole life was not. He couldn’t stop because he’d only caused pain to the person who really was.

“Jihoon?” The groggy voice belonged to Jisoo in the bunk above him. “What’s wrong?”

He had the feeling Jisoo already knew. Judging by how he’d told Jihoon after the fanmeet that you’d been glancing at him the same way Jisoo’s soulmate looks at him, Jisoo seemed to know all along. Although Jihoon hadn’t believed him.

What a fool he’d been.

He tried to keep his voice steady. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

He had a lot to think about.

[jaybeartodd]

Colleagues Pt. 11/17 -- Jason Todd x fem. reader

Warnings: cursing

Word Count: 1954

Tags: @sarcasmismyfirstlove @tsctd @multi-fandom-dumpster

A/N: Here we goooo! I would like to say a quick thank you for how nice everyone is. It’s amazing really. A quick shoutout to @tsctd for being so freaking lovely! Your comments make my day, make my life, and all that jazz. Lots of love <3 <3 p.s. I am so glad you caught my Homecoming reference!! When I was writing it I was like honestly that is exactly how I would react so bam it made it in!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17

“Oh no, Bats is going to be pissed,” a voice causes you and Jason to jump. You see Nightwing staring uneasily at the two of you. You squint your eyes.

“Shit, Dick?! Is this your idea of family bonding? Oh holy hell, the robins...Bruce? I was filing documents for Batman?...Damian?! Well actually, no that one makes sense...” you continue your tangent as the pieces fall into place. The boys stare at you; the blue one is fascinated by the train of thought while the red one is still slightly nervous for what this means in regards to your relationship. He just got you and he did not want this to compromise what may be the greatest thing since a burger he had shared oh so many years ago. Not that anyone needed to know any of the former information.

“Y/N,” Jason gently grabs your wrists. You shut your mouth and look at him with wide eyes. He grimaces as he sits up to be level with you.

“I know this is a lot to take in but we aren’t exactly in My Boyfriend is a Superhero Anonymous right now so maybe moving to a safer location...” he stands up and pulls you up with him.

“Boyfriend?” you and Dick ask at the same time earning an eye roll from Jason.

“How’s the head?” you ask Jason. You three are currently walking down the alleyways of Gotham remaining hidden in the shadows. The boys had opted to take the logical route of rooftops to get there but not everyone in the current party is a freak of nature so here you are.

He rubs it self-consciously and winces. “A bit sore.”

“You shouldn’t have gone man. I tried warning you,” Dick says with an authority of an older brother.

Jason sighs and looks at you. 

“I wasn’t planning on ever engaging. It was supposed to be a see-and-leave mission. But circumstances,” his gaze lingers on you before returning to in front of him, “called for a bit of whoop ass.”

“Yeah your ass maybe,” you grumble and Dick chuckles. 

“Saving your ass might I remind you,” Jason snaps back and you glare at him.

“I had it under control,” he scoffs at this, “Well mostly, but obviously the explosion wasn’t meant for me. Why were you even there?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen let’s take a deep breath,” Dick says and you cross your arms in frustration. 

“I got a tip from one of the men who work with Black Mask...”

“That I said was fake just as an FYI,” Dick interjects.

“Anyways,” Jason continues shooting Dick a look of annoyance, “They said he was picking up information at that location so technically true.”

“But also technically true is that the man sold you out. I haven’t been in this business long but seems like a rookie move to me,” you snap.

“Almost like meeting a Black Mask goon in an abandoned warehouse with fake information. Oh and your brother was almost beaten to death by the same men. You mean like that?”

“What was I supposed to do Jason?” You stop in front of him in official anger.

“Tell me!” he yells. You laugh without humor.

“Yeah sure. Was this supposed to be before or after you told me you were the Red Hood?” 

“Damn, barely dating and you already sound like an 80-year-old couple. Would you just both admit you are stressed and taking it out on each other?” Dick asks exasperatedly.

“Besides you have bigger fish to fry,” Dick says and you both look at him curiously.

“How are you going to tell Bruce the cat is officially out of the bag?” You both grimace. Work just got a whole lot more awkward.

“Jason you were explicitly told not to do anything with this case without backup. That was our deal...” Bruce’s voice trails off in your head as you stand spinning in a circle in the freaking batcave. Your attention is brought back when you hear Nick’s name.

“Wait, you knew Nick was working for Black Mask?” you ask walking up to the arguing men. 

“Yes, when I went undercover I saw Nick. But,” Jason says stopping you from yelling at him, “I did not know he was your brother until he came to pick you up from the hospital if that was your next accusation.”

You close your mouth and pout your lip in anger. 

“Your brother is tangled up in a very intricate plot and unfortunately-”

“Wait, what is that?” you interrupt Bruce when you notice something over his shoulder. In front of an exhausted Tim there is about fifty different screens but one is currently captivating your attention. You walk over and Tim looks at you curiously. You point a finger at a map digitally drawn with pinpoints in a familiar pattern.

“Uh, those are the places where Scarecrow has recently been seen,” 

You run over to your book bag you had thrown haphazardly and start to shuffle through the books. You yank out the map you and Nick had created and smack it against the screen. The dots are all in similar places give or take a few blocks.

“These are where Nick has dropped off Roman for ‘business meetings’.”

The men’s eyes widen as they take closer looks of their own. 

“That would explain Black Mask’s sudden increase of henchmen and weapons.” Bruce says. Jason nods and turns to you with a smirk.  

“Who knew Dopey was such a Nancy Drew.” You roll your eyes at him and put your hands on your hips.

“So what does this mean? Scarecrow and Black Mask have created their own sisterhood?” Jason quips. 

“But why?” Bruce asks and sits down in a chair; chin in hand and brow furrowed.

“Well we know Black Mask is after Wayne Enterprises because you bought him out. But since when does Crane give a rats ass about Bruce Wayne?”

Your phone suddenly rings making you jump. You take it out hoping to silence it but freeze when you realize it’s a blocked number.

“It’s Black Mask,” you say nervously and Jason looks at you concerned.

“Try and stay on the phone with him as long as you can. I will run a trace and send it to Nightwing.” Tim says already typing away at his computer.

You gulp and hit the answer button.

“Good to hear your voice sweetheart,” a robotic voice says. 

“What do you want?” you ask bitterly.

“Put the claws away. I simply wanted to thank you for the information. You are a true hero to Gotham.” You look up at the men currently in your company and hold back a laugh.

“Yeah just get me some tights and a cape,” you grumble glancing at the men in front of you.The man in the phone snickers.

“That would make you a hypocrite Y/N and we both know you are better than that.” Your skin crawls at the way he speaks as if he knows more about you than he is letting on. 

You look towards Tim desperately and he nods his head.

“Is that all?” 

“Keep the vigilantes at home next time or your family will learn a real lesson in tragedy.” the phone clicks off and you stare at it. The warning rings loud in your head.

The phone is lowered by another hand and you look up just as Jason pulls you in for a hug. You squeeze your eyes shut against his chest as he squeezes you tight to him. 

You don’t stop the tears this time. You finally let the past month's struggles come into view and break down in Jay’s arms. It feels like no matter what you do, your family will never be safe again. 

You walk back into the batcave several hours later after informing Nick of the current situation...minus the part about your residence in Batman’s manor. So a very condensed version.

You hear the buzz of electrical work before you see Jason hunched over his damaged helmet. He crosses wires creating a zap and a loud exclamation of curses. 

“Maybe you should be wearing some gloves or something,” you say quietly from behind him and he jumps up dropping his tools to the ground.

You chuckle at the irony.

“Now who’s the clumsy one?” you say leaning against a table. He returns with a worried smile.

“How are you?” he asks walking up to you. He rests his hands on both sides of the table you are leaning on, his arms creating a barrier around you.

“Great, Nick believed our story we created and Trey is still sound asleep,” Jay shakes his head and you look at him quizzically.

“No, I want to know how you are doing. Not everyone else,” he says leaning his face close. You sigh and nod.

“I am actually doing ok,” you say completely honest. The sudden burst of emotion earlier was a partial resolve to the mess that is your life.

He grins. “Good.” he closes the distance and kisses your lips softly.

“What’s this?” he reaches for your hand and grabs the ice pack from it.

“Oh, this is for your head. You took a pretty nasty blow earlier and I thought this would help with the pain a little.” You say innocently and he smiles. He puts it to his head.

“Were you planning on ever telling me?” you quietly ask and he looks away. With a sigh, he shifts the ice pack on his head and leans against the table with his helmet.

“I almost did, the first day we met.” he admits. 

“Wait, what? Really?” you ask completely baffled.

“Yes,” he turns his blue eyes back towards you, “I thought ‘wow this girl is super amazing and fierce and I am just some idiot spoiled kid she works with’. I wanted to tell you so you could know I am more than that but also so I would think I deserved someone like you.”

You are taken aback by his confession. It is true that he got off on the wrong foot but it is hard to wrap your mind around the fact that he thought so much of you and so little of himself.

“Jay,” you walk up to him and gently grab his face, “Don’t be an idiot.” 

He tilts his head and scrunches his eyebrows obviously expecting a kinder approach.

“I like Red Hood just fine, even for that weird helmet phase, but it is Jason Todd who has been there for me and my family through these past hellish weeks. It is Jason Todd that I am falling for.” 

His smirk returns to his face as he plays with the belt loops of your jeans with his left hand and the other one still holding the ice pack.. You kiss him hard and then wrap your arms around his torso.  

“Please promise more moments like this,” he mumbles and you hug him tighter.

You know you can’t make any promises while Black Mask and Scarecrow is targeting your family. But you can enjoy this feeling for as long as it will last. You suddenly let go and smirk at him seductively. He looks at you curiously.

“So what were those better things than going to the library?” his eyes widen and the ice pack falls to the ground. You laugh as he tugs you by your hand out of the batcave until you come crashing into his room. 

You fall asleep that night to the rhythm of Jay’s bare chest rising and falling as he strokes your hair. Momentary bliss existing within a freak show. 

[meliecho]

Hearts and Heroes: One Shot - Chpt. 1 - Weekend Warriors

Summary:  Setting up for a new mission, but something doesn't sit right with Mark...

----------------

The dream world. Recreation room of the Markihub...

 “Hah! Connect 4! I win. You loose. Time to pay the piper, old man,” Mark waggled his fingers in the direction of the pink-mustached gentleman frowning at him across the small game table. “And by 'piper,' I mean me, and by 'old man,' I mean you.”

Wilford Warfstache speared a metallic disk that resembled a poker chip with a dagger and pointed it at his competitor. “You win this round, Markiboy.”

“What do you mean ‘this round? You lost to me 5 times in a row,” Mark’s lack of intimidation shown through in a victorious smirk. “I am the King of Connect 4. You knew this when you challenged me.”

“It’s not very sporting of you to mock the loser, Mark. There could be…pointy repercussions.”

Mark adopted a perfectly mirrored mannerism with a red game token between two fingers. “And it’s not very sporting to back out of a bet in a gentleman’s game, Warfy. You’ve racked up quit a tab, my good man. Are you going to pony up, or do you…not have the brass?”

Wilford huffed air across his bushy mustache. “Your blatant misuse of a euphemism for the dangly bits of the vulnerable nether region only shows your lack of proper upbringing.”

He dropped the impression. “Oh yeah? Well, what would you say?”

Wilford leaned back, idly playing with the disk on the end of the blade. “I’d simply take it outside and battle it out in fisty-cuffs mano-a-mano and end with a shooty to the face.”

Mark blinked behind his slim black-framed wire glasses. “You call that better?”

“I call it effective.”

He shrugged. “Eh. Can’t argue there.”

“Much as I’d like to stay and chew the fat, I have business to attend to.” Wilford stretched his arms over his head, dagger and all, and stood. “This has been a bully of a time. ‘GG,’ as the kids say.”

“Hold it, Speedy McDodgerson,” Mark held out his hand. “The Dream Points. You owe me 500.”

Wilford wordlessly flicked the dagger with the disk speared through into the table in front of him, gently rattling the remaining game tokens.

Mark removed the disk and peered through the hole. “Hey, this is only 300!”

“Compensation for the dagger,” Wilford waved it off as he walked away.

“Compen—What kind of dagger costs 200 DrP?! Who's your supplier, anyway?!”

“It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mark. Come around again soon.” And with that, the weaponsmonger escaped back to his shop of damage-dealing goodies.

“Mother f—“ Mark ground his teeth. Wilford had this planned the whole time. “Grifted by a stab-happy madman in pink suspenders. Story of my life.”

Even though he was dreaming, and knew he was dreaming, Markiplier didn't have control over what anyone else did in this hub. This constant, safe haven in the dream world was one of who-knew-how-many in existence. It was home to those bearing a glowing pink heart on their left sleeve: the mark of the hero. Even if they arrived in a tank top, the heart remained, proving that it was imprinted on the soul of the person, and would shine through no matter what they wore.

This hub --ingeniously deemed 'The Markihub' --technically belonged to him, though he hadn't heard anyone else refer to it as that besides himself. But who cares! This was his hub, so he could call it whatever he damn well pleased. He could call it the 'Hub-booski' and no one could object. ...Actually, that one wasn't that bad. He'd put it in his mental 'save' file for later...just in case. He and the permanent residents had a little more power than the others who came and went, but other than that, everyone moved around with the same level of free will.

He turned the silver dagger over in the light, then shrugged and lazily swiped his middle finger—for emphasis on this particular situation—down the air at chest height in time to a half-second thought-command of 'menu.' As predicted, the commonly used and familiar, semi-transparent menu screen popped up. He tapped on the 'Items' option listed at the top –right above 'Go Home,' the teleporter back to the hub. As a Hero Class, he was the only one here with this option. It could be extracted and given to anyone, but not replicated. This was listed above 'Wake Up' (akin to Log Out), 'Current Mission' (basic mission briefing info), and 'Party' (self explanatory with sub categories like ‘add,’ ‘leave,’ and ‘member details’).

He added this new item to his inventory under ‘weapons.’ The dagger evaporated in his hand. At that exact moment, its icon and name appeared on the short list.

“'Fate Sealer.' Ballsy name. Hopefully damage-causing enough for the price.” It might come in handy later during a rescue mission. It was a crying shame this mechanic didn't exist in the waking world. That would make carrying things much easier. He'd hack into it and add in a 'Skip Rush Hour Bullshit' option.

The second bell sent its low tone through the recreation room. A few people hanging out with their teammates got up to attend to the second shift. He left with them to pick up a few more supplies before the third bell rang signaling the third shift – his shift.

He heard the 'fwoosh!' of the portal opening to someone's dream as he passed through the center of the hub on his way to Octodad's store. The midshift teams waited patiently to go through when their assigned mission came up. A few fidgeted from nervousness.

“Good luck guys!” He called out to them. “And remember: I'm handsome. And don't you forget it.”

Some of them chuckled. Others rolled their eyes. Either way, he got them to relax a little before setting off on a mission. Objective: cleared.

He used the newly obtained DrP to stock up on mostly Ultra balls—per usual—a couple of full hearts, chicken and dumplings (those long missions can get rough, man), some hot sauce in case anyone passed out, and a piece of toast. Just one. He hated using that item with a clear and absolute passion, but something nagged at him to walk away with at least one today.

Being the dream world, everyone here was instructed to pay closer attention to said 'naggy feels,' due to one not-so-simple but obvious reason: They weren't physically here. They were spirits, souls, consciousness. Whatever label people wanted to put to it, that was them. So stuff with the physical body didn't matter here –except eating. Whatever you ate upped energy or gave you boosts in battle with their enemy, the Terrorlings. When someone gets the urge to say 'I have a bad feeling about this,' it's a good idea not to ignore it, because it's coming from their subconscious that's being a douche and not letting their spirit in on the whole plan.

Mark added the goods to his inventory, bid the 8 armed bad-human-cosplaying octopus adieu, and left.

“Hey, Mark!” A high pitched voice called out from across the hall.

“Hey, Tim. What's up, little buddy?” He looked down at his feet as the small sentient brown wooden box bobbled over.

“Good, I caught you. It's about your mission.”

“What about it?”

“You're not going alone, are you?”

“No. I've got my team.”

Tim smiled. “So you decided to quit playing solo after all?”

He shrugged. “Hey, I don't play 'solo.' I join newbies and whatever team needs help, you know that.”

“But you never called any of them 'my team' before.”

“Eh, well, they were the ones to dive into my nightmare and pull my ass out of the fire. I owe 'em. Besides, they're good people. It's not so bad being on a team. Kinda takes me back to my roots.”

Although he had his original team that always aided him in the waking world, they, too, had obligations to their own hubs in the dream world. He loved it when they could get together for those rare group missions, though.

His new team here adopted him. He wasn’t an elitist outsider tagging along. He was one of them, subjected to the same rules as they were (almost—well, he is the only Hero Class after all), but shockingly enough, he wasn’t the team leader. He had to abide by the leader’s ultimate decision like everyone else. “Anyway, is there something you need help with?

Tim held up a piece of paper. “I checked the file just in case I'd need to prep for higher damage injuries. Nothing really dangerous popped out at me, but I noticed something weird. I pulled the hard copy to make sure. Look at the initiation date.”

His eyebrows lifted. “Hm? One year ago? This is a typo. The month and day are the same.”

“That's what I thought, too. I checked it with Google. He said he doesn't make typos.”

Mark pursed his lips. “Mmhmm. Sure. Right. Uh huh. Ok. Yeah. Ask him about Google Feud next time.”

“But—”

“Relax. It'll be fine.” It was then that the upward look of concern from Tiny Box Tim surpassed the surface of 'this could be a dangerous mission,' into more poignant territory with years of personal history behind it. Mark crouched down and patted him lightly on top of his head...er...body, and his voice took on a sincere, disarming tone. “I'll be fine. Don't worry, little buddy. This looks rough on the outside, but it’s gooey in the middle. My team and I can handle it. We've been through worse.”

Tim took the paper back when Mark handed it over and looked up as the other stood, towering over him. “Mmm…Ok. But I still have a bad feeling about this. You’re not completely back to normal yet. You went through something not a lot of people can come back from. It’s only been a few weeks, and PAX stretched you thin.”

“Hey, give me a little credit here. I’m a lot better off than I was.”

“That’s true,” Tim had to agree. “And I’m proud of you for that.” He knew Mark had an excellent support system in the waking world. He was recovering, and thankfully, those who knew him and even those who didn’t, flooded his notifications with positive messages.

The ‘Mark’ that returned to an empty hub the next night after he’d defeated Dark just sat on the stage staring at all the vacant seats once filled with the souls of those who believed in their missions, and in him. Tiny Box Tim, as his first Somni and closest to him, was the only resident of the hub to remain. He could sense Mark’s raw, eviscerated state. He was a mess. Because of the negativity flooding the hub, Mark wondered if anyone would even want to come back at all. Tim assured him that they would. They’d sat alone in silence until five people suddenly appeared at the back of the room. Both of them hadn’t expected anyone to show up for a while yet, but he could tell his friend was happy that it was the five who’d saved him. Mark saw them off on their mission, but didn’t leave on his own until a few days later when Blue extended the offer to join her team for the third time. He’d accepted. He had a duty to the hub, to the people who’d found their way back, and most importantly to himself to move forward. A little bit of ‘fuck you’ energy was all he needed to give him that essential push.

“Just do me a favor and be extra careful, ok, Mark?”

“You got it. We'll be in and out with time to spare. It'll be easy-peazy-lemon-squeeze-me.”

The tiny box boy didn't look any less placated by that answer.

A slim pillar of sky-blue luminescence swirled up from the floor in the main room lasting the length of a second. The figure of a teenage girl in a knee-length blue dress and knee socks materialized within its apex.

“Hey, Blue.” Mark cast Tiny Box Tim a reassuring nod before joining his teammate.

“Oh, hey, Mark.” She smiled. Seeing her other team member, and the leader of the hub they called a second home, warmed her heart every time. She still wasn't sure why he acquiesced to her being this particular team's leader—she was ready to give up the title after extending the offer to join her team--, but she respected and appreciated his faith in her. “Where's everyone else?”

“Not here yet. You are numero uno.”

“I hope they get here soon. I was afraid I'd be late. We all decided this would be the weekend we'd go full throttle and do as much as we can.”

“You're all sleeping in?” Mark folded his arms.

Blue nodded. “That's the plan. Also fixing our sleep schedules, too. Those last few missions really threw off Peach. She blew up the group chat at 3am last night binge watching an anime Jade suggested. Went through a whole box of Cinnamon Squares.”

“Yikes.”

The areas to their left and right lit up from three more identical shifting columns of light.

Red stretched his arms over his head and yawned. Tufts of black hair stuck out from beneath his favorite, worn, red cotton beanie.

Purple waved softly to everyone with a small smile and a light, “I'm not late. Yay!”

Peach danced lightly on her tip toes. “This is gonna be the best weekend ever! I cleared all my plans to make sure I could get to bed early each night.”

“What about that show you were watching?” Blue asked.

“I finished it this morning,” she sound proudly.

Red eyed her like she'd grown a second head. “This morning? As in...'before-the-butt-crack-of-dawn' this morning?”

She nodded, still smiling. “It was so good. The feels alone!”

Purple furrowed her brow in concern. “How many boxes of cereal did you eat in the past few days?”

“I don't know, but we're out, now.” She shrugged.

The group exchanged glances, and an unspoken agreement that their weather mage's sleep schedule needed to be fixed first.

The quick 'woosh' of a pillar of light formed just outside the group. Their last team member's form appeared. “You guys are already here?” Jade stepped into the nearest open space.

“We were just waiting on you,” Mark said casually.

“I watched the whole show,” Peach's smile never disappeared. “It's so good!”

Jade's face lit up. “I know, right?”

“Please tell me there's a season 2.”

“Hell yeah! Who's your favorite?”

“I like them all! But mostly the guy with the—“

“I know you're excited, but we have a mission to go on. We gotta focus,” Blue interrupted.

“Right, right,” Peach settled down, “Sorry.”

“Ok. Everybody take five to get what you need, then meet back here. Sound good?” Blue said.

Everyone nodded and scattered to refill their supplies. A few minutes later, they returned to the main room of the hub and gathered at the wide-open area in front of the portal's spawn point. Peach and Jade took their places last, having talked about their new favorite in-common show as much as they could before embarking.

The bell for the third shift echoed its low tone through the hall, alerting everyone in the hub. People appeared within columns of light, and some filtered in from the surrounding rooms.

“That's our cue,” Red cracked his neck. “Let's do this.”

The air crackled ahead of them. A dark vortex formed from a point no larger than a thumbnail and quickly blossomed out to form a dark blue, violet, and black event horizon wide enough to easily encompass two people standing shoulder to shoulder. Its center was thick and black as ink, swirling as if time itself gave way to the will of the universe.

The first time they saw this, everyone—including Mark—felt trepidation. They were both excited and afraid to step through into the unknown. This portal created a wormhole connection into one person's dream, like an Einstein-Rosen bridge in space, but within the ethereal and mailable dream world that seemed to punt physics out the window.

Sometimes the sight of this incredible phenomenon struck him with awe at what it could do, and what it allowed him and many others to accomplish: saving the spirits of those crying out for help.

The waking world knew nothing of this.

Mark turned his back on the portal to address the team. “Normally I'd say this is one where we can go in for the snipes and be back by lunch. It seems pretty cut and dry, but...” he glanced in the distance to the hall leading to the infirmary. Regardless of his own machismo, hearing Tim say 'I have a bad feeling about this' was rare, and didn't sit well in his gut –like that ghost pepper. What the hell was he thinking? “...just remember not to let your guard down, ok? It may look tame, but very often it's a rouse; A cleaver, dubious rouse. As dubious as rouses get.”

“I don't care what it 'do,' it 'be us' who take it down,” Jade thumbed toward themselves. “We're pros. We got this. Now let's go kick some Terrorling ass!” They jumped through the portal with a loud battle cry, 'Lerooy Jenkins!'

Peach followed with a light 'woohoo!' and leaped in.

Red simply face palmed at his companions and stepped through.

“Whoever you are, don't worry,” Purple set her jaw in determination, “We'll find you.” And with that resolve steeling her bravery, she leaped through after her friends.

Blue and Mark stepped up last. “You seem a little out of it, Mark. Everything all right?”

“What, me? Nah, it's good. It's all gravy. We can take whatever this nightmare throws at us. Let's start off the weekend with a bang!”

Blue grinned at the animated finger guns and quickly knelt down at a small hole off to the side in the wall. A few tiny mouse sounds emitted from it. She smiled. “Squeaks for luck,” then gave him a thumbs up and jumped through the portal. She trusted her friends—all of them. They'll save this person and be on to the next mission before they knew it.

Mark followed through. The portal closed, locking them into the connection to the other person's nightmare. It quickly reset for the next team.

Though he had confidence in his team, he still couldn't shake Tim's warning. Something about this mission might go tits up if they weren't prepared. Mark, as a veteran of rescuing people in the dream world, knew that all too well. This one, however...felt different.

And that worried him most of all.

------------

TBC

Prologue: A Light in the Darkness

Chapter 1: Weekend Warriors

Chapter 2: Something’s Suspishy

Chapter 3: Chasing the Sun

Chapter 4: The Nightmare’s Truth

Chapter 5: Light and Shadow

Chapter 6: Lifeline - part 1

Chapter 7: Lifeline - part 2

Chapter 8: Phantom Power

Chapter 9: Mark’s Past

Chapter 10: A Second Chance

Chapter 11: Learning to Breathe

Epilogue: Ad Infinitum

[justkpopstuffinmyhead]

Yongguk - Dangerously Innocent ♥ [Part 9]

Member: B.A.P’s Bang Yongguk

Pairing: MafiaLeader!Yongguk &  You

Genre: Writing this made me sad.

Warnings: Swearing, Blood, Shooting and other Mafia stuff.

Words: 1,775

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Epilogue.

Over the next three months you spend considerably less time with Yongguk. After about 1.5 weeks your bruises have faded enough for you to be able to cover them up with make up so you can actually leave the mansion and go to work. When you arrived there your boss called you in and immediately noticed your unusually heavy makeup. “Y/N is everything okay?” You were so close to breaking down and telling her everything. At that point you hadn’t seen Yongguk in 3 days and the only person you actually could speak to other than him was Himchan. “Yeah I’m fine” You responded instead but it was obvious to you that she wasn’t buying it. “Please come and talk to me if something is wrong. To be honest – and I know that it is none of my business – but while you boyfriend really seems nice, he is also quite intimidating. Please be careful and know that I always have a place for you to stay at.” She explained and you felt tears sting in your eyes.  Most of your friend moved away to find new, better jobs and they left your behind. You struggled to become friends with you colleagues since they preferred to go out to drink and party on a Friday night while you usually just wanted to curl up in bed and read a book, maybe check out tumblr or watch some YouTube videos.  Knowing that she would be behind you made you feel safer. “Thank you. I will remember.”

You left the office and started your workday. When it was time for you to leave, you were picked up by Youngjae. “Where’s Yongguk?” Was the first thing you asked. “Hello to you too. He’s not here. He’s back at the mansion” You nodded and sat down in the back of the truck. When you arrived at the mansion you started looking for Yongguk but you were stopped by the guards. This is how it continued for the next weeks. And when you actually saw him his responses were single worded and cold. You understood that he had a lot to take care of but since he basically locked you up inside your room – since he came back to his room late every night he asked you to sleep in your own room – without anything to do. Every night you woke up from the nightmares but you figured out how to deal with them.  You dealt with everything. The loneliness. His coldness. But today everything got too much.  When he walks past you in the corridor – you are on your way to the kitchen, one of the few places you had people to talk to – and ignores you, you stop walking and turn around to look at him.  “Is this really how you plan on treating me? Cause if you do, you can go and fuck yourself!”You scream at him, making him turn around to you. “Can we talk about this later, Y/N? I really don`t have time to talk to you right now.”  His features show annoyance and this just makes you even angrier “You haven’t had time to talk to me in 2 months!” He turns to Zelo and Daehyun and signals them to leave so he can talk to you in private. They turn around and walk past you, looking at you with confusion and pity. “Y/N you know that I’ve been busy recently because of the other gangs. They are trying to attack me through you and I’ve been trying to fix this.” He steps closer carefully. “I seriously don’t care anymore at this point! It’s been almost months since we had a real conversation. You lock me up in here and don’t even talk to me anymore. I seriously can’t do this anymore. This makes me sick!” You scream. You had started doubting your relationship with Yongguk about a month ago. The first month he would at least go to bed with you and you had amazing sex. While he was with you, he would touch you constantly and show everyone how much he cherished you. A few days into the second month he got busier. He barely spoke to you. He didn’t touch you. He wouldn’t go to bed with you. Self consciousness started to bubble in your head and an ugly voice started telling you lies – and after a while you started to believe them. The voice told you that Yongguk got bored of you. That he doesn’t want you to stay in his room because he had other women over. Women with long, thick hair and slender bodies. With curves in all the right places. Yongguk steps closer to you, his face now soft. “Y/N. I want to spend time with you. I really do. I hate every day I am not able to do so. But I need to solve this first. . ” His dumb excuses make you sick and you step back. “It pains me to say this but I can’t believe you. I want to but I can’t anymore. ”He looks at you in surprise. It seems like he didn’t think that this situation is so serious. “Y/N. Please calm down. We can talk about this.”He says and is suddenly in front of you, your wrists in one of his hands. “No Yongguk. I tried to talk to you for the past two months. It’s too late” You try to free your wrists from him. ”I will leave today.” You say full of confidence. You usually never put yourself first. You always chose to ignore your feeling (And your sanity) if it would make everything easier for other people. But this situation has put a lot of strain on you and has seriously damaged your self confidence. It made you believe that you are not enough for the person you love. “You can’t leave now. It’s too dangerous.” His grip on your wrists tightens and you yelp in pain, making him let go of them. “I will leave. Today actually. Please don’t follow me. Just forget about me. ”You step back and take a deep breath.  “Y/N please. Don’t” His deep voice is only a whisper. He knows that he lost you. That he stepped over the line the last few weeks. He realizes that it’s too late to take a step back now and that forcing you to stay will only make you hate him more and ruin the small chance he has to get you back. You walk past him to you room, fill your suitcase with the things you brought here just a few months ago. Yongguk watches you silently from the doorframe. “Youngjae will bring you back to your flat.” Are the first words that break the silence. “I won`t be staying at my flat for now.” You spoke to your boss this morning and explained the situation. She told you that you could stay with her for a while. “Where will you be staying?” He asks, stepping closer. He is wearing his cold mask and what you don’t know is that he is panicking on the inside. His heart is beating like crazy but he can’t show that. “That does not need to concern you anymore.” You reply, your voice breaking. “Y/N you don’t need to do this.” Yongguks dark voice wavers. “I need to. For myself.” You answer as you close your suitcase. “Let me fix us.” He pleads with you but you shake your head. “No, Yongguk. Just let go.”  You take your phone and call a cab to a spot close to the mansion. “Good bye Yongguk” Is the last thing you tell him as you brush past his huge frame and leave the mansion and everything else behind.  

“Thank you for letting me stay here.” You tell your boss as she helps you out off the cab. “It’s not problem. We need to stick together.” She tells you and leaves you alone in her guest room. You get comfortable and lay down on the soft bed. The room is a light blue and the bedding is black and reminds you of Yongguk. You remember that you colleagues had invited you to go out with them to party and you message one colleague to enquire whether the invitation is still valid. She tells you yes and you tell your boss that you would like to go out tonight. “That’s a great idea. You need to get over him!” She helps you get ready and you two laugh a lot. You notice that it’s the first time you feel happy in a while. You call another cab to the club and meet there with your colleagues. You go inside, drink a bit and start dancing. It is more fun than you thought it would be. A handsome stranger comes closer to you and you start dancing with each other. The other girls in your group holler and you start laughing. The stranger you dance with is really handsome – dark hair with broad shoulders and strong arms - and you two have a lot of fun and actually realize that you have quite a lot in common. He introduces himself as Park Soohyun. You notice a familiar face among the crowd as you two make your way to the bar. On the other side of the club you see Youngjae, leaning against a wall. His eyes are watching you and when he catches you watching him, he tips his head in a greeting. Annoyance is written all over your face and you handsome stranger seems to notice and follows you gaze. “Someone you know?” You hear him shout over the music and nod in response. “A friend of an ex.” You answer in dismay and he wrinkles his nose. “How about we leave to go somewhere else?” He winks at you and you agree, thinking that you will probably just go to a bar to talk in peace. “Sure!” You both turn around; you quickly say your goodbyes to your colleagues and leave the club. “Let me bring you to my car. It will be easier if we drive somewhere.” You walk to the packed parking lot. There weren’t any people there at the moment but a lot of cars. You heard someone walk behind you but figured that it was probably just another couple that was making their way to their car until suddenly a piece of cloth covers your mouth. The fabric is drenched with a slightly sweet smelling liquid. You try to push the person behind you away but have no chance as you lose consciousness and fall into darkness.

[hotcocosharing]

Lose To Win Chapter 19: To Victory

Title: Lose To Win Chapter 19 Fandom: Kiss By The Baddest Bidder & Her Love In The Force Rated: Drama, Thriller, Angst, Fluff, Smut, Mystery? MPD’s MC: Mika HIJIKATA KBTBB’s MC: Mia SAKATA Characters: Goto, Kaga, Shuichi, Eisuke, Soryu, Mamoru, Baba, Ota

Summary: What bidders do when they win? PARTY! WHAT HAPPEN when Mika is drunk- SMUT and what do I love most? Smut AND Angst. Mind you, this IS LONG but meh ;) Background: Mika went to the Tres Spades Hotel under Eisuke’s request. (Order) and led to seeing her ex- Hyogo Kaga. With Namba’s persuasion, Eisuke agrees to work with Public Safety, going on an eight days cruise trip with Kaga, Goto and Mika. What kind of mystery and danger await? You have no idea!

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ Chapter 1: The Reunion Chapter 2: RSVP Chapter 3: Recharge Chapter 4: Welcome Back Chapter 5: Decision Of A Lifetime Chapter 6: Our Story Chapter 7: Stress Release Chapter 8: Play Thing Chapter 9: What The Three Words Mean Chapter 10: A Real Man Chapter 11: The CEO Chapter 12: Boarding Chapter 13: What Did You Wish For? Chapter 14: Don’t Tease Me Chapter 15: One Hell Of A Night Chapter 16: Feeling Lucky? Chapter 17: Left In The Past Chapter 18: Poker Face

Chapter 19: To Victory 

“To victory!!”

Baba and Ota shout, with this everyone else downing their glasses in celebration. Laughter echoes throughout the VIP suite from glasses being filled to waving bottles in the air, drunken bidders are soon lying all over the suite, barely conscious. There’s no mention of next plan, not even after Eisuke has carried your black out sister upstairs and you’re pretty sure she’ll walk funny tomorrow. Goto has gone back to your room and reports live to Jin while you continue the party with the team, such funny word- working with the criminals you despise and got away, now force to work together.

Chuckling heartily at the sight, you wobble your way out to the balcony while Kaga yells from behind. “I am NOT jumping into the water to save you AGAIN, woman!”

“Hehehe, that was soooo much fun!” You say with a hiccup.

“IT WAS DECEMBER!”

A gust of wind buffets you as you slide open the french door, “But it was the first time you said I love you.”

Ignoring your ex fiancé murmuring from behind while you stumble to the railing. “Seriously, you’re gonna be the end of me.”

Following you out to the balcony, Kaga cups your cheeks and hungrily seals your lips, only pausing in between to finish what he’s saying, “You are drunk.” “And?”

“And I like how horny you get.” He smirks and scoops you up in bridal style and leaves the penthouse.

The grand thief suddenly says and grins at Soryu, “Just go after her.”

“Why would I?

Massaging his temples with his fingers, Baba says, “At least be honest to yourself, Sor. You couldn’t take your eyes of Mika the entire night.”

“Oh please his eyes were glue to her, so creepy, right? Old man?” Even the angelic artist joins the confrontation, Mamoru coughs without answering, he’s been finishing one cigarette after another, his eyes also glue to Mika Hijikata the entire time through the layers of smoke.

[ SMUT ALERT ]

“Hey!” A half stern and half cracked voice stop the two of you from swiping the key card, turning around to see the mobster standing with his arms crossed, displeased. “This is my room too.”

Kaga rolls his eyes as your giggles draw a shade of pink on Soryu’s stern face, none of you state the obvious that he wants to be part of something that he’s ashamed to admit. Kicking the door open, Kaga pulls you in. Keeping eye contact with the ex who has recently confessed his love to you once again during sex couple days ago, you’re still in no state to decide how big of a mistake it would be for sleeping with him again during a mission but you should have stopped yourself from drinking in the first place.

Now is simply all too late.

You slowly sink to your knees, hands already on his fly. “That impatient huh?” He smirks before stealing a glance at Soryu who’s still standing hesitantly by the door. “Loosen up, will ya?”

The mobster’s breathing changes as you pull down Kaga’s zipper and get rid of his unnecessary undergarments, showing his glorious cock for a quick second before you lick from the base to its tip. Grabbing hold of his member, you start pumping teasingly while gently massaging his balls.

“Ahhhh… You are so fucking good at this.” Kaga gravelly groans and grips your hair, pushing you forward and takes his eight inches. You quicken your pace as he applies a light force on your head, “Fuck!!!” He hisses, you can taste his pre cum hitting the back of your throat, imagining the anger and jealousy boiling up inside the quiet mobster make you suck harder and faster.

“Slow down, we have got a long night ahead.” You let go and wipe away the glistening saliva surround your mouth, you turn around and look at Soryu as you lick your lips seductively. He gulps with fire burning in his eyes then pulls you right up.

“Now are you ready to have some fun?” Kaga throws the taunting question while you get up and face the blushing Soryu, biting your lips, you lean in for a kiss but he consciously withdraws, he isn’t keen on tasting Kaga’s dick, fair enough. You start nipping his neck instead which is exactly what he needs, a breaking point- your kisses move down to his chest with hands pinching his nipples. Hyogo Kaga watches with amusement, jealous? Not so much, although he never quite likes the idea of SHARING you but this is what you want then he will satisfy you- he always does. Plus he isn’t going to pass a chance of mocking how reserve the boss of Ice Dragons is in bed.

Your mouth steadily going lower until you reach them hem of Soryu’s pants, tracing the outline of his bulge lightly with your index finger and your mouth making its way to the growing arrousal, kissing him through the grey fabric. Soryu gently lifts your head up, gazing you with dazed eyes.

“Take them off if you want.” It isn’t a command, you are simply stating the fact- if Soryu wants you then he will do it here with another man’s presence; he will share you if he wants you. Plain and simple, all he needs to do is decide what he wants or if he truly wants you at all.

Once Soryu is free from his clothes, you get down again and your tongue trace a slow path along his inner thigh licking your way to his painfully harden member. You couldn’t help but tease his a little more, wrapping your hands around it and stroke from the bottom to top. You glance upwards to meet his closed eyes, craving more with anticipation. Alternating the rhythm between strokes and sending bliss all over the mobster’s body.

Getting bolder you open your lips and let his tip glide into your mouth, sucking ever so lightly on it, causing a quick moan from deep down Soryu’s throat. His eyes remain close tightly, now that he’s moaned and imagining Kaga’s devilish grin isn’t helping. Soryu’s hips bucking up and he has to use all his willpower not to slip another moan while you take him deeper and faster, bobbing your head in his desired pace.

Removing your mouth from his shaft, gliding your tongue along his underside before swirling around his tip, enjoying his cock like your favorite Iollipop. His hips bucks higher suddenly along with a long and VERY LOUD groan his seeds explodes into your mouth. Your eyes widen by the warm surprise at the new sensation of having his release dripping from the corner of your lips down to your chin after you’ve swallowed most of it. Soryu’s fingers losses from your head and looks at you apologetically. “Honestly, you are too good.”

Kaga chuckles, both of you turn around to see him laying a bunch of condoms from the nightstand. The captain kneels on the bed and motions you with this chin, he swiftly removes your panties as soon as you’re within reach. Your eyes are still captivated by his fully enlarged and protected member that’s eagerly entering your moist cavern while Soryu’s shaking hands move onto your alluring body, groping your breasts and breathing heavily as the tip of his cock joins and stretches your occupied pussy.

Moans escape your lips as both enormous shafts bury inside of you, they give you all the time to adjust until you nod to Soryu while you grab Kaga and kiss him hungrily. The mobster’s eyes burn with jealousy, you know that but mainly because you are craving for his touches and kisses, Hyogo Kaga is a drug and there’s no stopping once you’ve started.

“Do you like it rough?” Kaga asks.

“Hmm hmm.” You don’t want to waste energy in answering but his head turns to the side and stares at Soryu, obviously not going to continue the kissing. “Tell us what you want us to do to you.” Kaga’s voice is firm but neither challenging nor demanding, slightly amused maybe. This isn’t for himself, it’s for Soryu.

You try catching your breath and meet the mobster’s longing gazes, “I want you both to fuck me as hard as possible, make me cum again and again.”

Soryu’s eyes darken, especially when Kaga reminds him to hurry up. “You heard the lady, mob boss.”

Soryu’s pants grow harsh and you’d feel his dick getting bigger, “Does it hurt?” Such a sweetheart at a time like this, so much different than the times he bursted through your old apartment where he just pinned you down and had his release out in a rushed.

This time is completely different.

Your reassurance is what he needs, “I want you to make me moan Soryu.”

He is helpless when it comes to you, you are his weak spot but he gladly obliges. One look from you is enough to send shivers down his spine, picking up his pace, Soryu slams into you harder, rougher and spot on. His hands on the bed to support his weight, Kaga brings his lips back to your ears and neck, biting and licking just the way you like it. As you’re lost between Kaga’s intoxicating kisses and Soryu’s rhythmic thrusts, your hip begin to buck up and down on its own, causing Kaga to drive his tongue down your throat.

“Do you like it?” He asks with a cocky smirk with saliva oozing down his chin, his sexy voice rings throughout the room. “Is this what you’ve always wanted? Two cocks inside you, fucking you non stop?”

“Only with men who can make me wet.” Your words register in Soryu’s head as he leans in and crashes his lips to yours, both of you moaning into the kiss as agreement. This is beyond sexy and lustrous, your ex fiancé and your crush, both moaning, panting; their heated bodies sliding in and out of you, the sight and erotic sound make you hornier than ever.

Soryu’s lips temporarily leave yours, “You’re so wet for me baby, sing for me.” His arousing groans nearly melt you as Kaga’s hand moves to your core with his fingers rubbing fiercely over your nub. “Oh my god!” He’s always known what to say and do to you, your sensitive and favourite spots, even the fantasy of being watched and pounded by your crush while your ex is right behind contrast between the two men is insane; one is slamming at a mad pace while the other increases the pleasure with his gentler thrusts but still satisfyingly on spot.

“Kaga,” You swallow, throat dry from all the moaning and screaming, “I’m gonna….cum..if you…” With a kiss to your earlobe, your ex fiancé smirks. “I know, it’s your punishment,” His breath becomes more uneven, “for STILL calling me by my last name.” He speeds up right after his final word and you come undone in seconds with both their fully erected cocks still fucking your over sensitive pussy.

“Harder.” You say with a whisper, “Fuck me harder, Soryu.”

And the mobster does what he’s told, thrusting deep and hard into you, “Moan my name.” He pushes further.

“YES!! Ahh!! FUCK ME…HARDER! Soryu! Yes!!” You moan loudly through each word, igniting both men further more.

“What a horny needy woman.” Kara mocks but you know he likes it, he just isn’t comfortable enough to say the actual words in front of Soryu.

“And you love it.” You remind him and he picks up his pace from below, matching the mobster. The slapping sounds of your bodies meeting each other, filling the room with sweet and blissful musical. Each moan gets louder and louder with each thrust, you’re close again, feeling it build up in the pit of your stomach and your walls are beginning to quiver around both cocks.

“Fuck!!!!” You YELL in pure ecstasy and everything turn white. Your pussy still clenching around their dicks, Soryu reaches his climax almost right after you. Kaga pushes you down, pulls you out and lifts your ass up in the air as soon as Soryu leaves the bed. By the time Kaga renters, you gasp at the feeling of his raw and familiar dick inside you- just fucking perfect. He fucks you frantically for another good ten minutes before he finally comes hard, savouring every second as he rides out his orgasm. You could feel his cock twitching and with each release, he lets out a heavenly growl that echoes through the room.

You collapse on your back and Kaga lays next to you, Soryu finishes cleaning himself up and stands at the edge of bed. “Come on,” You smile, the mobster climbs and joins. All three of you lying on bed, you turn to both sides and peak their cheeks without saying a word.

[ ANGST ALERT ]

SORYU’S POV

Before Mika Hijikata comes into my life, I never even like women, apart from her twin sister Mia who’s completely held Eisuke’s heart captive.

I haven’t been the same person ever since, distractrd, soft hearted, having my judgement clouded and rage has taken over me.

After the long and heated sex with them, I soon close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Sharing a woman is weird enough for me, I can’t stand a conversation with those two afterwards.

“So what’s your story with him?” I could hear Kaga asking. It’s obvious the two had history, they did bang in Eisuke’s office as soon as they’re left alone but none of us expected them to be engaged. My heart couldn’t sink any lower at how close they remain regardless of all their bickering, the kind of understanding they share is something I know Mika and I could never have. Mika’s warm hand strokes my bangs a few times to make sure I’m sound asleep before sharing her previous mission and unfortunate encounter with us.

“Did you two sleep together?”

“Does it matter?”

“No, but the poor guy is head over heels for you.”

“He isn’t, I’m a cop, he’s a mobster. It can’t be anymore obvious.”

Yes, it couldn’t be anymore obvious but to actually hear it from her lips, my heart is ripped in two. “Oh please, if you’re into the guy, you would quit the force.” “That I would but he’s an actual criminal plus …. I realize he has sides that I don’t wish to see again, I will never be with a man who can’t take no for an answer or let anger gets the better of him as some kind of reason.” Hearing those two starting another private round in the bathroom while I twist and turn at her last comment, aching every single cell of mine and cursing myself for the stupid actions I had made, to forever put an end to a woman who’s been stuck in my heart since the beginning. Mika Hijikata is my weakness. If anything happens to her, I’ll do anything to save her, anything.

“We fall in love with one version of someone and we expect them to stay that way but they never do.“- Olivia Wilde

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

11 Questions Tag

The Rules: 1. Always repost the rules 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you 3. Give 11 questions of your own for people to answer 4. Tag 11 people

I was tagged by @just0nemorepage, and here are her questions! Under the cut, if I can figure out how to do cuts right:

1. Do you tend to snack while reading?

Sometimes. I prefer to have a warm beverage of some sort instead, but if I’m hungry when I sit down to read I’ll grab something small and bite-sized. Entire bags of food disappear that way, though, so I have to be careful.

2. How long does it usually take for you to finish books?

Recently it’s only been taking a day or two for most of them, but that’s because I’m underemployed and my tiny work schedule is very flexible. If it’s nonfiction and I’m taking notes on it (I’ve been reading lots of books for worldbuilding research purposes), it takes about a week. If I have uninterrupted reading time and I’m not writing anything actively, I’ll plow through books in a day.

3. Do you abandon books you don’t like, or stick it through till the end?

Stick it through. Again, it doesn’t take all that long for me, and usually I enjoy books or truly despise them. The ones I end up despising are fun to rage read, and then it works my writerly self up to Do Better.

4. What’s the last book you finished?

My Goodreads tells me it was Run by Ann Patchett, which my mom really enjoyed and wanted me to read so I would know what to recommend to her. It was okay.

5. What’s the best way for you to get out of a reading slump?

I’m fortunate in that I don’t often experience reading slumps. Reading is important self-care for me, so my “slumps” are just forcing myself to slog through a chapter of whatever’s by my bed until it’s over. If the slump is super bad, though, that generally means I need to go write more, so I do that.

6. How do you like to sort your bookshelves?

First by fiction and nonfiction. For fiction, things get sorted by YA and not, and then by genre, with a shelf for Favorite Series (Odd Thomas, Shades of Magic, and Gentlemen Bastards) and Favorite Non-Series (basically things I’d recommend to anyone). All my realistic fiction, historical or not, is shelved in the same spot, and those are grouped loosely by country/geographical area--I’m trying to wrap all the way around the world.

For non-fiction, I’ve got a shelf for general science at the bottom, a shelf that’s half birds and half more science, a history shelf, a religion/languages/memoirs shelf, and then poetry, theory, and miscellany on the top.

I tried to sort them by color once, and discovered that many of my books are black and white and also that I don’t like series not being by each other. If I had more books in more colors, maybe I’d keep it like that, but it just didn’t work out for now.

7. How do you react when someone asks if they can borrow one of your books?

Ooh it depends. Generally with extreme caution. I am Very Particular about my books, and I’ve had just enough bad experiences with loaners to not want to do it. Fortunately most people who I’m close to understand, so I give them a Spiel about taking perfect care of said books. Either that scares them off, or they promise to abide by the terms and conditions. I have a one and done policy, though--if you hork up my book, you never ever get to borrow anything else ever again. I am Protective.

8. Which fictional character do you relate most to?

Oh my gosh this question is so hard I had to go stare at my bookshelves for like fifteen minutes. Um. The first name that popped into my head was Victor Vale from Vicious, which is almost concerning and also it’s been a while since I’ve read it. Another candidate is Lady Trent from A Natural History of Dragons? I have lots of favorite characters, but I don’t generally think of them in terms of relatability, at least not consciously.

9. Do you get easily distracted while reading?

If my phone is around, absolutely. Also if the book is just mediocre, yeah. But once I’m into it, I’m into it, and it’s very difficult to pull me away.

10. How do you decide on which to read next?

I’ve been shelving all my Unread Books pages-out on my shelves so I know which ones I still need to read. For a while, I just read what I was feeling, but now that I’m being more intentional about it, at the end of a month I’ll go through and pick out a stack of things I want to read next month so I can get used to the idea of reading them and mentally prepare. I try to balance YA, not-YA stuff, and nonfiction so there’s a variety. Last month, my brother visited, and he pulled out a stack for me, which is good because I probably wouldn’t’ve gotten to them any time soon.

11. What kinds of books are you looking for more of these days?

I did a only-buy-POC-books-year a couple years ago, and that was super successful. Since then, I’ve been looking for more stuff by writers of color and women of color, specifically, especially in the sci-fi and fantasy realms. I’m way tired of Generic Medieval European Fantasy. Also, I’m trying to do a Read Around the World, with a book or two from every country, so I’m looking for that, too. If anyone has any recs, hit me up! I love book recs!

Here are my 11 questions:

1. Are there any books that you love to hate?

2. Favorite under-rated book?

3. Has a book ever made you cry? Which one?

4. Do you listen to music while reading?

5. If you could go on any adventure with any character anywhere, who would you go with and where would it be?

6. If you could have coffee with any author, who would it be and why?

7. How do you feel about New Adult as a genre/category?

8. What’s something you’d like to see more of in books?

9. What trope are you always a sucker for?

10. Do you write? If you do, what?

11. Favorite bookish soapbox rant to go on?

I tag: @asexual-bookworm, @freckles-and-books, @blackgirlslit, @petsandpages, @absintheandbooks, @flamingmirrorbookish, @emeraldyoukai, and @pixiebitch99, if you’re interested! Also, if you’re not tagged, and you’re still interested, consider me also interested and tag yourself (:

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?