#a character who also struggled with ptsd and depersonalization

[macksartblock]

Every time I think about Grant Wilson I think reading THG trilogy would’ve done wonders for him

[transhawks]

I know you're writing a fic with Twice is in (and also actually appreciate his character), so do you got ideas, rules whatever, on how to write his dialog? Ll the fics ive read never feels right unless it's straight from the source material 😭

Hey! So, I've definitely played around with this in writing. Let me show some examples and word vomit about Twice. I will say that while I often return to the manga and observe how he talks, I also have developed LOTs of head-canons, so much of this is my own ideas/fanon. When I wrote You in 2020, it was very much an experimental fic, stream of consciousness kind of fic. And I encourage people to play around if they are doing something like solely focusing on Jin. In this case I essentially wrote it in Second person, to emphasize the idea of a fractured mind/depersonalization or the feeling as if "I'm not the real one" that Twice had. Here's how I showcased the split:

This is how I described Jin's initial "split" by the way. Note there's actually THREE different ones - I have a personal theory there's actually three personalities, the dominant Jin who is incredibly traumatized and slightly regressing in maturity, the older, quieter maturer personality who shows up only when we see into his thoughts, who seems pensive and contemplative (most of 115 is his narration) and kind of gives Twice's manga international narration a film-noir like quality, and the vocal "negative" voice that I guess either contradicts voice 1 or functions like an id to the ego.

Before anyone chimes in with "FREUDIAN PSYCHOANALYTIC THEORY IS TRASH AND DEBUNK-", yes, I know, but I find the idea of splitting the mind like this useful for literature, specifically, not real life. And I suspect a lot of writers do as well, so the idea of a "split" mind where a voice voices the things no one should want to say or think as Horikoshi has created here works well in that framework. Hence, when I write the split in Jin's mind, I use it as a way for me to figure how what's with his mind.

One of the biggest issues is that Jin's issues are very much pop-culture/fantasy mental illness because no disorder fits him well. For one thing, Jin's trauma is also a neurological one because he clearly had brain damage from the whole experience that cause his scar. And then it's like Horikoshi decided to take elements of schizoaffective psychosis, tourette's, BPD, DID, and OCD and PTSD and throw in "actual force blunt force brain damage" into the loop. That's not to say Twice's struggles aren't realistic/relatable - they totally are, but whatever he has isn't exactly an accurate depiction of anything out there (especially since it's so quirk-based). Personally, tailoring it to fit something neatly, I think, would do a big disservice to his character so I don't strive for that sort of realism and just work with what Horikoshi outlines for us.

Anyway, that is to say that often when I try to depict mental illness in writing, especially from the perspective of the ill person, I try to incorporate elements of disorder into the writing itself stylistically (I sometimes do this with writing Hawks as well). A lot of people just only strictly stick to this past-tense (or present) third person limited way of writing, and I think there's fun in throwing that out and using characters like Twice as reasons to do it. Or just playing around with formatting.

Anyway, this is how I try to depict it from a Third Person Limited perspective in Irreversible.

So first off, I distinguish between the spoken voices Jin has by bolding the contradictory voice. Internally, I depict intrusive thoughts by keeping it bolding, putting in parenthesis, and then justifying the text to the right. It breaks up the paragraph and creates the "element of disorder" I spoke about earlier. Here's what that can look like at it's most disordered, where there's essentially a mental conversation written out.

There's also a clear difference in spoken vs internal because while internally the voice addresses Jin himself to create an element of insecurity (questioning if he even deserves Toga's kindness), it's only in speech that he'll contradict Jin after he says something. This doesn't always happen, and I don't think every sentence needs it. Jin has moments in-manga where he doesn't speak like this and I also think it correlates with emotional state (interestingly a really upset Twice can be more "together").

But it's not as simple as "Jin says something, bold immediately contradicts it." That would make it boring to both read and write. My suggestion to have an actual reaction by a Jin to the bolded words - because it happens in canon (sometimes he tries to stop himself from talking further).

In this sentence, I make Jin immediately refute the previous sentence. It's not a full on back and forth, but it does show that he's aware the other voice is saying things and what it is saying. Lastly, this is more me on how to actually make it matter besides keeping it accurate to canon characterization. First, Jin is funny. Naturally he's funny and very blunt, but his illness is also used by Horikoshi for tension relief and to kill the seriousness or somber mood the LoV scenes can evolve into. Do not be afraid to use this for humor because as a character, Horikoshi DOES do this HOWEVER, this is not all Jin is, and when showing his internal life, there's far more seriousness to it all. But if you just want to write Jin instead of focusing on him, I think acknowledging he has a (wacky, immature and slapstick-y) sense of humor and in turn can be a funny character is not a bad thing. He lends himself well to physical comedy so don't be afraid of writing him doing weird things or making funny gestures.

Two, make the words count. At the end of the day, you're writing a story. You are not only conveying personality through these words, you are hopefully moving plot forward, or using the space you have carefully. Do not be afraid to have the contradictory voice say something poignant, something no one else would say, or ominous that can be used as foreshadowing for later parts of your story. Remember, these are characters that are meant to tell stories so use them.

[1863-project]

Thinking a bit about Courtney and how different her dialogue is in Ruby vs Omega Ruby. Here's her dialogue in Ruby, cited from Bulbapedia:

Here, she's high energy, laughing a lot and generally seeming excited about everything - all her dialogue starts with "Ahahahaha!" Definitely different from how we've gotten to know her since.

Omega Ruby, of course, is an entirely different story. Team Magma and Team Aqua got redesigns for ORAS full of personality, and so instead of a typical giggling villain, Courtney became who we know her as now - she speaks with reduced affect display, better known as blunted or flat affect. Reduced affect display is most associated with schizophrenia, PTSD, depression, autism in some cases, depersonalization disorder, schizoid personality disorder, and brain damage.

Interestingly, she seems to show more emotion in her speech during the Delta Episode.

Here, she's yelling, talking in full sentences, and even crying. She expresses emotions under extreme stress, but apparently only under extreme stress, because she goes back to how we know her afterwards once Maxie takes her back in.

We also know she apparently considers herself in Maxie's debt, or at the very least is deeply devoted to him and willing to follow him anywhere. She was also a scientist elsewhere before joining Team Magma. One wonders if Maxie took a chance on her when no one else did, especially poignant if you choose to read her as dealing with a disability/mental health, because as we know those things can be massive barriers to employment due to societal ableism and the difficulties of keeping up in a society that won't accommodate you accordingly.

That said...I don't think depicting her as a robot is particularly fair to her as a character, given all of this. She clearly struggles to emote "acceptably," but she's not emotionless, and she's acting on her own instead of by some sort of "programming," especially since she's driven by emotions even if we don't see them. If anything, she's a portrayal of a part of the human experience we don't often see portrayed in this way. The game just allows her to be Courtney, and that's really refreshing.

[k--havok]

For the space-themed asks:

⭐️ Star - Do you have a favorite character? If so, why are they your favorite?

⭐️ Star - Do you have a favorite character? If so, why are they your favorite?

Oh god this is such a hard question 'cause I love ALL my characters, but for different reasons. I'm going to cheat and choose multiple favorites 'cause that's just how I roll.

Rane & Korzan

This is going to be obvious but it's Rane. Of course it's Rane. She's my absolute baby and the first D&D character I made by myself without (too!) much outside help I had my partner help me when I decided to multiclass her into paladin hahaha

Rane is incredibly special to me and I pulled a lot of inspo from different sources to make her. She's a magical girl. She has PTSD. She's been betrayed by those she loved most. She struggles controlling her anger. She loves makeup and dresses. She's ok with being doused in blood. And she's even pansexual.

In a lot of ways, she's a character I needed when I was young, need now, and will need in the future. She's feminine, a badass, has mental health issues and complex flaws, but also tries her best and has good intentions. I love her so much and she is just so special to me.

The Tales of Ozoarth

Ttoo has an ensemble cast and is a collection of different storylines rather than one story. The cast has only grown since its inception and is considerably large with nearly 10 main characters across different storylines.

I love a lot of the characters and it is so hard to choose a favorite. But I am going to try and go with Braxous, since he is the character that spawned the world and everything around it.

Braxous is an old character. He is now over 15 years old and has gone through a lot of changes since I first made him. He is a huge comfort character for me and helped me a lot through school and beyond.

He's 100% a self-indulgent edgy OC. He started that way and he will always be that way. His past is complicated, and he has complicated relationships with those who raised him. He was abused growing up, manipulated, and in turn, he became a monster early on.

He's a murderer. A betrayer. A liar. Every adult failed him in his life. He was manipulated beyond belief. Borne into a cult and later blamed for following blindly.

He's completely fucked in the head. He enjoys killing people. He loves violence and fighting. But he also loves taking a rest. The world stopping for a moment as he catches his breath.

He loves applesauce and sweets. His mouth and teeth are messed up so he mainly has to eat soft foods. He spends most his cash on buying gifts for friends and bailing them out of trouble. He has killed children.

He's protective of those he cares about, but keeps them at an arm's distance as he does not want to hurt them. He knows his lifestyle is dangerous. He knows he's bad. He's a living weapon; a blade for others to wield, and does not see himself as a real person. He wants to protect his loved ones not just from danger, but himself. But in turn, despite his passion, his relationships are always shallow.

He's an utter contradiction. Depersonalization made form. An anti-hero that crosses the line into villainy more than once. And I absolutely love him.

Waking into Divinity

Now this is a harder one than the other 2 'cause I adore both Casrath and Rylie. But I think I'm going to lean more toward Rylie as I did take a lot of inspo from myself while creating them.

Rylie works a dead-end job and suffers from depression and anxiety. They have little passion in life. They're boring. They know they're boring. Just like most people are a little boring.

But they do have passions. Wants. But all of it is smothered by fear. Of the unknown. Of what could be. Of failure. It rules their life.

Casrath is a catalyst. And although Rylie's life is turned upside-down when they meet and form a relationship with them, Casrath does not cure Rylie's depression and anxiety. He does not chase away any fears of theirs. Casrath brings out the best in Rylie; their passion, their interests, and highlights their personality.

But ultimately, its Rylie who climbs out of their abyss alone. Casrath helps them, but through him, Rylie finds themself again. And finds who they are and what they stand for. And I think that's what makes Rylie oh-so special to me.

--

This is so freakin' long and I apologize for rambling so much!! I just really love and find a LOT of comfort in my OCs so I can talk about them for HOURS. Thank you so much for the ask!!

[fenmere]

We'd like to offer our own experiences as a contemplation of this.

We identify our system as protogenic. It seems that we developed from conception to become plural, regardless of life experiences. But we have C-PTSD from struggling as an intersex, transgender, autistic plural system in a society that has denied all of these things to us. And that C-PTSD has manifested in what is basically DID, which flared to life altering severity from 2014 to 2016. Recognizing our plurality allowed us to get a lot of things under control fast enough to avoid a diagnosis of DID, though.

We do not consider ourselves disordered now, but we have lost multiple jobs, our house, and our marriage to black out amnesia, lost time, fugue states, and conflicting behavior between headmates.

So.

We create new headmates so easily, so fluidly, so unconsciously, that even calling it "instinctual" is implying too much agency and effort.

We typically produce new headmates at an average of one every six and a half minutes, without even noticing it happening. When we do notice, when it happens right there in our conscious mind and the new headmate identifies themselves, it is accompanied with euphoria and joy, akin to giving easy birth to a physical wanted child.

We know that's not the case with all systems, that some systems experience awful sensations when a new headmate is formed. That the process itself can be traumatic.

But our triggers are so ubiquitous and so innocuous (just seeing the face of a new person, learning a character's name and way of speaking, inventing a blorbo, etc.) that it feels ridiculous to say that trauma has anything to do with the process for us. It's just how our brain works. Like how cells undergo mitosis.

But our detachment, and our heavier switching, that's the trauma trained reflex.

Under normal circumstances, we're very coconscious with a lot of easy switching, and low amounts of amnesia. When there's multiple of us "on the bridge", we can pass working memory to each other and keep it going as frontrunners switch out.

But duress will cause us to dissociate, flee the conscious mind, and leave only one or two of us in charge, and then there are problems. Sometimes the entire working memory gets dumped in a switch, and we experience a blackout. And also, a lot of the weirder derealization and depersonalization symptoms can also occur.

We do think that the fact that we're protogenic and have been working from a basis of being plural to begin with may have helped us reign our worst dissociative symptoms under control so quickly once we accepted our plurality.

But no small amount of credit should go to Eh, one of our eldest two members, who is a student of therapy and psychology and interpersonal relations, and who guided us through our own group therapy and team building sessions on our parents back porch. Jedekere, our diplomat, also helped considerably.

Our therapist teaching us how to treat C-PTSD was also a big help. By managing our triggers and working on desensitizing ourselves to them, we've continued to reduce our DID-like symptoms while remaining gloriously plural. And we never stop producing new headmates.

In fact, if we go too long without producing new headmates, we start to feel trapped, like we're getting cabin fever. So we feel best when we get out and do people watching, read books, and write. Even better if we introduce our new children to our followers online.

Anyway, I suppose our point here is that there are certainly trends in cause and effect when it comes to plural experiences. But there's probably also always exceptions.

No sweeping statement about plurality should be taken as fact for every case, whether that statement was made deliberately or carelessly. It's just not going to be true unless conditional phrases are added, like "in many cases".

Life is neurodiverse, and humans (and human adjacent people) are no exception. And that means basically anything goes.

You mentioned in a post about doubles that traumagenic systems dissociate from stress instinctually, and I wonder if that's more something that differs on the disordered - non-disordered line.

We aren't traumagenic, but we have DID and I think we dissociate pretty instinctually. So I'm kinda curious if plotted, which axis the dots would tend to line up with.

-Faye

Yeah, I think so. At least it's part of it. There are more factors in whether someone is disordered or not. But I think how automatically someone dissociates is at least a big one.

It's part of why I generally advise against new systems learning how to switch from relying on triggers. Because triggers are out of your control and can become stronger the more you rely on them. I've tried to avoid letting dissociation become habitual here.

Keep in mind again that dissociation isn't one thing, either. Dissociation is theorized to come in two forms. Compartmentalization and detachment. (I'm pretty sure you're aware of this, Faye. I've rambled about it enough. I'm just explaining for the benefit of anyone new.) Creating new headmates would fall under compartmentalization, where memories and experiences are stored in separate compartments. Switching involves detachment where one feels disconnected from their body.

Both of these may be independent of each other. So a system who easily forms new headmates may not automatically switch and vice versa.

But I think as they're repeated, both processes can become habitual and instinctual. Most commonly as a self-defense mechanism in response to trauma, but I don't think that's the only way. And I think that lack of control over these forms of dissociation is one factor that contributes to plurality becoming distressing or impairing enough to make it a disorder.

[ao3feed-zukka]

soft hands can teach too

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3qsGHQ2

by Sleeply

Zuko closes his eyes while Sokka slowly runs his hands up and down his back. An unknown emotion fills him. He doubts Sokka knows that this is the first time someone has taught him love with the touch of their hands.

or

Zuko struggles with hearing loss and makes a posting on his campus looking for someone to take notes for him in class. Out of work, Sokka notices the posting and decides he wants to help this person in his community (definitely not just for the money). Sokka learns more about how living with a disability can be, while Zuko learns about the simple charms of life. Neither of them could have expected to find something more in this simple arrangement.

Words: 2141, Chapters: 1/25, Language: English

Fandoms: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Sokka (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar), Katara (Avatar), Aang (Avatar), Toph Beifong, Suki (Avatar), Iroh (Avatar)

Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)

Additional Tags: Gay Zuko (Avatar), Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Pining, Idiots in Love, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Zuko (Avatar) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Disability, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn, Protective Sokka (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Iroh is a Good Uncle (Avatar), Iroh Adopts Zuko (Avatar), Insecurity, dancing around feelings, sokka is confused, but he's got the spirit, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, but he's also good at masking, Depersonalization, zuko has no idea who he is or what he likes, Self-Indulgent, Deaf Zuko (Avatar), Partially Blind Zuko (Avatar), Chronic Pain, Partially Deaf Zuko (Avatar)

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3qsGHQ2

[silenthillmutual]

[ID: Anonymous said: this isnt like, a demand or request, just an expression of interest - you mentioned in your daniil-is-autistic post that you also think artemy is neurodivergent, and i would really enjoy seeing a similar post on that topic. thank you, have a nice day.]

(anon is referring to this post!)

i do have some thoughts that i would like to share about that topic! however comma, it probably will not be as in-depth as my post about daniil, as i am myself autistic and have had a couple years since being diagnosed to ruminate on places where that has affected my life, and so it’s easier to write about coming from a place of personal experience. i can do the same with depression, for the same reason.

i have a couple of ideas about what artemy could have:

adhd

ptsd

ocd

i won’t really be going into ptsd or ocd on this post because i feel like it’s more difficult to point the ptsd out (artemy doesn’t talk much about or flashback at all to being on the front) and because i think ocd should have its own post. it is severely misunderstood, even by other neurodivergent people. plus i think all four of the healers have it (or aspects of it), and this post is about artemy.

i feel like… something about the dsmv diagnostic criteria for adhd feels condescending to me, like it feels the way it’s worded places a lot of the blame on the person who has it? and some of the criteria like “fails to follow through on instructions”, “does not seem to listen when spoken to directly”, “has trouble holding attention on tasks” can depend greatly on the player. not as much of that is baked into artemy’s character and dialogue in the same way that social ineptitude, which is a core feature of autism, is baked into daniil’s character and dialogue.

with that being said: while i will include a few things from the diagnostic dsmv diagnositic criteria as listed on the cdc website, i am going to primarily be thinking about accounts from people with adhd. i have several friends with adhd (and i suspect that i may have it, though i’ve only come to suspect this recently and have had less time to think on it) whose experiences i will be taking into account.

other links to sources i am referring to: [adhd/autism venn diagram by tfw-adhd]  [what those symptoms look like in adults, by chadd]  [ptsd criteria on brainline]  [ocd criteria on beyondocd]

vague spoilers for pathologic classic & pathologic 2

very briefly & quickly: ptsd & ocd

the problem with going into it is this game is already a very difficult and anxiety-inducing world because of the plague and i’d argue that any of the healers could have one or both of these either before the outbreak or after it, so here are some things that stick out to me for

ptsd - overly negative thoughts or assumptions about oneself or the world (can overlap with adhd; artemy has the option to repeatedly blame himself for his father’s death), negative affect, feeling isolated, irritability or aggression, risky or destructive behavior, hypervigilance (any game that dabbles in horror aspects will expect this from you), difficulty sleeping (overlaps with adhd), depersonalization (this is a core aspect of the theatre theme of the game)

ocd - without going through the entire ybocs, i’ll just say that i think all three healers struggle with hoarding (understandably and by necessity) and hypermorality (all three protagonists believe they are the one and only person who is right, rubin is awfully judgmental of people who don’t abide by his personal standards). compulsions would be easier to point out in the game than the obsessions they are linked to, as we’re not exactly privvy to intrusive thoughts outside of the dreams. you could, however, say that artemy struggles with intrusive thoughts of causing harm even inadvertantly and argue that he takes measures to ensure that he doesn’t, won’t, and hasn’t. in classic, this is highly dependent on playstyle.

[this is my standard disclaimer that i have an official diagnosis of ptsd so i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere and am about 98% sure i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and have researched it thoroughly.]

what’s built into the game: making careless mistakes, poor planning skills, time blindness / anxiety, executive dysfunction

pathologic is a game that sometimes feels like you’re being set up for failure. something that i missed talking about in my previous post is that it often feels like an autism/adhd simulator because it is, in classic, so very easy to screw yourself over and get locked out of an objective by picking the wrong dialogue option. while some of the correct dialogue options are obvious, others feel like a guessing game and you have to just hope you’re picking the right thing and have made a save file at the right place to go back and pick different options in the case that you’ve bungled something. hence, “making careless mistakes”. it’s a little bit easier in 2, as dialogue options that end a conversation are indicated with a diamond (thank you to whomever decided on that!), but it makes up for this by being unforgiving in other aspects. i believe the difficulty settings for imago state that the game is intended to be “almost unbearable” - and lots of people have difficulty completing it on the intended difficulty without cheats. (do not discourse about this on my post.) the game invites you to make careless mistakes and either live with or learn from them.

keeping this in mind, you’re kind of expected to have “poor planning skills” on at least your first time playing it. part of the game’s point is that you can’t do everything, and you can’t save everyone. not paying close enough attention or interpreting the instructions of the game just right in classic can cost you the lives of several of your bound.

that also feeds into time blindness & time anxiety. classic & 2 do these in different ways. in classic, you can’t run, so you have to hope you’re not busy doing something else or else hope that all of your letters come in at a time where you can hit up all the places you need to go, or you’re going to be cutting it short on time for the day. in 2, you can run, but there are far more sidequests to be completed than in classic.

i’d also argue that executive dysfunction is a core aspect of the game. you are very busy and very poor and items are very expensive, meaning that unless you know what you’re in for, either you or the town is low on resources or funds or time to do things like eat, sleep, and take care of your aches, immunity, and infection. all of which can be avoided if you don’t make careless mistakes, have good planning skills, and can manage your time wisely.

“interrupts or intrudes on others”

i don’t appear to have a screenshot of him doing this in 2, but he and daniil do have at least one conversation in which they keep interrupting each other. peak autism/adhd solidarity.

i do, however, have a screenshot example of him doing this to clara in pathologic classic

Haruspex: ���Wait a second. If there was nothing but the great Bull, where did the stars and light come from? Changeling: Oh, don’t interrupt!

and as for intruding - khan feels that he does this frequently: intruding on him and capella at the station, intruding on him and notkin at the broken heart, and here he is intruding on kids at the nutshell:

We have so few places of our own - only a couple. And yet you feel the urge to impose yourself even here. Do you know what childhood is? It’s slavery. Herders treat their cattle better than parents treat their children. They lock us up like objects, mold us like statues, and still never take us remotely seriously.

he also intrudes on clara talking with block on day 11, either completely oblivious to the fact that he’s doing it or outright ignoring that he is.

“is often ‘on the go’“

i could say that this is one that is built into the way the game is organized, and it’s true! but his time spent with lara comes to mind. she’s not the only one to mention his restlessness, but i don’t keep screenshots of big vlad on hand so their day 1 dialogue is lost to the wind.

Aren’t you supposed to be terribly busy? I don’t understand why you keep coming. Or do you need my help again? I’ll wash your clothes. You’re filthy, like a chimney sweep. Revolting. While they dry, have some sleep.

“often fidgets […] or squirms in seat”

like with daniil’s body language, i don’t have any gifs to show to prove this. i’m really looking forward to seeing what idle animations he gets in the other two routes. for now i know that in the lucid dream, if you use flycam you can see him idling by swaying and rubbing his chin & that in other pantomimes he can be found constantly turning his head and looking around.

sleep problems

i don’t have the screen shot so just pretend that i do - he mentions this to the fellow traveler on, i think, day one when you go to the dead item shop. in either game, you can also only sleep for a maximum of six hours at a time, which is like..two hours less than the recommended amount, unless that’s changed.

little sense of danger & impulsivity

As usual, I act first and think later. I’ve made a panacea. But from what? What blood was that? Whose blood was that? To cure the Town, I’ll need to figure that out.

there’s actually no dialogue i can think of that addresses the danger of the situation he’s in - which is sort of the reason why i included it! though i am absolutely obsessed with classic artemy threatening grief, kingpin of the villains in town:

Bad Grief: That ain’t good! Got too soft a heart or something? Soft, eh… Well, can’t blame you. Haruspex: Got too hard of a bone structure? You watch it. I’ll break them in no time.

artemy has little to no problem offering to help daniil get ahold of organs and blood:

Bachelor: Exactly. I need tissues of a person who died of the Sand Plague. I need them today, right now! I’ve tried to get them at the cemetary, but failed miserably. The patrolmen are vigilantly watching over the dead. Haruspex: Would you like me to get you some? Bachelor: I’d reward you generously for that. Haruspex: Deal. I’ll do what I can, even though I still don’t have the right to.

‘even though i still don’t have the right to’ - he knows it’s illegal and could easily lose him reputation, but he jumps at the chance to do so. part of his route requires you being in constant danger, but later on there are options to tell daniil you won’t help him. this isn’t one of them.

in pathologic 2, you can also instigate fights with people by, to name a few: refusing to leave the house in the atrium where they have a person bound and gagged upstairs, not leaving barley the barber in grief’s lair, and picking the wrong dialogue option with the guys in the broken heart on day 11.

as referenced above, his impulsivity sometimes shows in the dialogue options you can choose. you can say things that clearly haven’t been thought through all the way. for example, this is what he says to clara bout her parents:

I wonder what you did to your old ones. There was someone gullible enough to adopt you?

and this is how she replies:

Clara: What? Why would you say that? I never even knew them. I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember. Artemy: I didn’t know. Right, that’s what I figured.

it’s not all that different from the sort of tactless comment a person with autism might make.

no motivation for tasks you are not interested in & hyperfixations

in pathologic 2, on day 3, daniil asks artemy to be his aide in developing a vaccine. artemy’s responses are all something dismissive and frequently quite rude. here’s the end of that conversation:

Bachelor: I will make the vaccine, but I can’t do it without you. All you need to do is be at hand and do as I say. I will take full responsibility for the situation. Haruspex: Perhaps I’ll drop by… if I have the time.

guess what never happens?

it’s understandable that the panacea is artemy’s main goal. what makes it stick out to me as a hyperfixation specifically is that, while a vaccine is daniil’s main goal, daniil manages to ask artemy about his progress with the panacea.

Bachelor: Anyway, how’s it going? Any progress?

the interest is never reciprocated.

emotional dysregulation & rejection sensitivity dysphoria

i personally think this is the most striking piece of evidence. every single perceived sleight can invoke a drastic reaction in artemy. just take day 3 for example - the perceived sleight here is the belief (based on no evidence) that daniil was snubbing him or trying to exclude him from the meeting:

Bachelor: Burakh. The situation is regretful. I just didn’t have time to warn you. Haruspex: This was ugly of you.

and then he proceeds to get into an argument with him. he can, in fact, get into snits with not just daniil, but with rubin and lara as well. i will not be taking sides in this, because who is right / who is wrong is not really the point, the point is how artemy responds to perceived sleights with increased emotional agitation.

when capella upsets him by telling him she’s taking the kids from under his care for their own protection, he can respond by comparing her to her horrible capitalist pig of a father:

You truly are your father’s daughter. Children always succeed their parents…

i can’t even remember what was said to him to get him to reply this, only that it was said to him by a teenager:

I’m a surgeon. Ever considered having your tongue removed?

he also holds onto murky’s repetitious “what is there about you to love? nothing. so i don’t.” and brings it up to her when she is infected with the sand plague on day 10. though it does bring the rather heartwarming line about murky having loved him from the start, my point remains that he has not been able to stop thinking about something murky has said that she has obviously already changed her mind about by this point in time in the game.

difficulties making & keeping friends

remember what i said about the interest in daniil’s vaccine not being reciprocated? yeah. friends, acquaintances, colleagues - they all kind of expect you to take an interest in their lives. this is where autism & adhd overlap, from my understanding - both can come with an inability to recognize social cues. in fact, i’m going to use the same example now that i used in my post about daniil (it is, after all, what inspired this ask):

Bachelor: From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

daniil thinks they’ve been having a normal conversation, but artemy hasn’t picked up on whatever social cues he’s been using. this could easily be on either one of them. though i will say, some of my easiest friendships as a person with autism have been with people who have adhd. which is why i’d suggest that daniil saying he’ll tell artemy about thanatica “the way i’d tell a close, intimate friend” is autism/adhd solidarity. despite initially not getting along, they are clearly able to communicate with each other.

i think the rest of this is really self-explanatory. despite being from the town in classic, artemy doesn’t actually appear to have any friends in it. could be a symptom of him having left much ealier (ten years ago as opposed to the five in pathologic 2), but in pathologic 2 his friendships are constantly under threat of spontaneous combustion. this day three conversation with lara sums it up nicely:

Lara: Ugh, whatever. Like it’s any of my business… Do whatever you want. Did you make peace with stakh? Artemy: Doesn’t look like it… Forget Stakh. I see now that I’m one step away from falling out with you. Why?

there’s a variety of reasons why his friendships are falling apart. but it occurs to me that there’s no mention of artemy communicating with his friends at all while he was gone, and maybe that’s contributing to it. this is not an attempt to pick sides (i think everybody’s wrong), i am just pointing this out.

adhd in adults: history of academic or career underachievement, relationship problems due to not completing tasks, chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals, chronic and intense feelings of frustration / guilt / blame

artemy did not finish med school. classic has him described as a “vagrant scholar” traveling from town to town to learn instead of staying in the capital where he was sent (”always ‘on the go’” indeed). in pathologic 2 he simply states that he doesn’t have a degree and that he sucked at latin.

relationship problems mentioned under “making and keeping friendships”, but it should be noted that you can repair your friendships by completing a sidequest on day 3 to gather everyone together. 

“chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals” is sort of the entirety of pathologic 2. you could say it’s built into the game, but artemy does express a lot of stress over not knowing where to turn for answers, has bizarre prophetic dreams, and is plagued by… well, the plague taunting him for not being to save his bound. both when notkin gets sick on day 4 and when all of the children get sick on day 10, he can express an extreme amount of guilt for not having the ability to cure them.

i mentioned under ptsd that artemy has a tendency to be able to blame himself for his father’s death, and i think that fits under here as well. there’s also this:

I get anxious thinking about my kids… Are they faring all right in the Lair without me?

conclusion

i do not know if i have adhd myself and i am sure there are things i am missing, especially as i have not completed artemy’s route in classic yet or started clara’s. feel free to contribute to this, i would love to see others’ input!

[purgatoryandme]

what could've made bucky a better character in the show? staying mre of a side character or could his storyline change?

Tablespoon of salt! Take all thoughts with a tablespoon of salt! I don’t think he’s bad - if anything in a lot of ways he’s too likeable in a storyline that mostly wants to deal with race and Sam’s journey towards becoming Sam Cap.

Since Season One is largely exploring the Captain America mythos and what it means to disenfranchised groups, Bucky should be less central to the plotline basically. Sam should really be the one who gets to shine here as Bucky continues trying to figure out his own life through watching Sam and interacting with the people around him as he tries to protect Steve’s legacy (and eventually lets it go for the opportunity to see Sam do what he wants with it). A way to improve his position in the story, though, would be to make him more of a foil to Sam, where we focus on the past of Bucky Barnes and not the Winter Soldier.  Bring up his historical poverty. Emphasize that Steve was Irish Catholic and how he was treated because of it. They lived in Brooklyn when it was a pretty diverse area - let’s see Bucky struggling with the intersection of past prejudices and horrible disappointment that the world still treats minorities the way it does. Properly place Bucky Barnes the person as somebody who was once toeing the line of being a minority, who now is seen as a person in a position of privilege, and have him wrestle with it and how he still can’t quite see himself as human.  One of the biggest failings of Bucky in this plot is having the majority of his personhood issues solved casually in Wakanda, and making the rest of his plot about recovery as a soldier from PTSD and feeling bad about murder :((( . Bucky was far more than a soldier - he was completely depersonalized and like...I mean we can get into that??? It’s a far better place from which to have Bucky connect to the villains around Sam, be disgusted with himself, and then be tentatively...something when Sam empathizes with them and attempts to find a new solution. It places Sam in a better position to be the leading force of the narrative, too, without necessarily making him have to counsel Bucky or take care of him directly like one of his previous patients. If we’re going to bring up the Winter Soldier, i want Bucky to be the Winter Soldier, y’know? Really underutilizing one of the more popular MCU films and all the potential callbacks the show could make to Sam’s introduction.  Other Bucky improvements could be like, having him direct his resentment at both Steve and Sam, giving Sam an opportunity to talk about Steve’s failings and the people he left behind and the ridiculousness of heroic legacy. Having Bucky be more bitter in general, making him a less likeable character in the onset, and having him make a few poor decisions (that are properly seen as poor for longer than 5 seconds re: Zemo) that finally really set Sam on the path of being like “this guy. I’m gonna help out this moron and maybe, just maybe, we’ll figure out what to do with this shield together”. The show keeps tentatively going there, but I wanna see it with Sam being the real and obvious driving force behind it. I’d also love Bucky to see everything Sam and Steve share, how alike they are, but then to also see Sam won’t throw everything else away for Bucky like Steve did - that’d be bomb... Bucky journalling Sam’s heroic traits while trying to make it about why he isn’t worthy...the conflict....delectable...................... Anyway basically what I’d want from the show is Bucky being less of a generic white guy soldier in the plot, framing him more as a person in a conflicted position of societal power, and giving over more power to Sam to be what really keeps the ball moving. 

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Well well.

I've been pestering you with this for months, and realized I never actually presented Halfway Home to you. So that's the goal of this post ; a proper introduction to the meat of this tumblr account.

If you want to learn more about this story, feel free to venture under the cut!

Hello again. First off, thanks for your interest!

I've been working on Halfway Home for 3 years now, and only completed the first draft in December 2017 with roughly 288k words. Since then, and despite the complicated trials of real life, I'm knee deep in developmental edit, which means revising the outline, rewriting chapters and redefining characters and plot points in a more meaningful way. I decided to write and polish everything before releasing the story, and I'm very glad I committed to this decision ; Halfway Home's plot is rather complicated, deals with controversial/delicate topics, and so many things changed since my first thoughts and the current material. Some chapters have already been revised four times, and I'm still rewriting them from scratch (looking at you, first chapter). Some chunks of text, initially very important ones, I decided to get rid off entirely. Plus I'm not a native speaker, so there's loads of errors of grammar, vocabulary and even formatting (RIP me, rewriting every dialogue with English conventions).

So Halfway Home is, first and foremost, a Mass Effect fanfiction.

It covers the entire length of the original trilogy and doesn't consider any lore development happening in Mass Effect : Andromeda (I would have quite despised to have my plot entirely invalidated by a random lore decision after more than one year worth of work already :333). Most of the “side-canon” material (books, comics, etc) is largely ignored as well (they cost money, and I'm not super fond of the few I tumbled upon), with the exception of the storyline from the comic Mass Effect: Invasion, because it's deeply tied with the Omega DLC which has been considered (sadly. I have so many problems with this DLC).

While there is a conscious goal to respect most of the rules and canon of the original trilogy, some details have been slightly modified, such as the way biotics, element zero and mass relays/space transportation and communication work. Get prepared for a healthy dose of headcanons as well.

While this story is mostly targeted at fans of the franchise, it is technically possible to read it without any prior knowledge from the games.

The main character is an OC, and so is most of the main cast. During the next weeks I will present them too, so you can get a sense of who's populating this story. But amongst the sea of OCs, some of the game's characters make an appearance or still get crucial roles. Here are the ingame characters that have a role in Halfway Home, in no particular order:

- Aria T'loak - Jondum Bau - Dalatrass Linron - Mordin Solus - Councilor Sparatus - Jona Sederis and Sayn - Harrot and Kenn - Anto

Halfway Home's Shepard could be any Shepard, all gender, all background, all playthrough, all alignment (I struggled to keep the identity as neutral as possible xD) safe for one choice I was forced to make (couldn't find a way around this one, it's just too big and impacted the story too much), which is the original Council was saved in ME1.

Halfway Home is rated mature, for not only it contains basically everything you could expect in a mature rated story, but it also deals with difficult themes to graphic extents. I list below everything usually considered susceptible to trigger traumatic memories or indulge depressive/dangerous episodes, so you can withdraw right away if you were interested but know you can't deal with the content. If so, no problem, I fully understand. That's one of the reasons I wanted to have this proper presentation.

(there will be ways to skip the worst scenes, I thought of a system already. But still, it can still be too much even with this system).

I also need to warn that this story is political, which means it contains opinions and quite strong ones at that, and somewhat controversial takes on ingame topics that I know can upset people (power structures between the species, the way I decided to portray vague ingame NPCs you might have grown very fond of, the genophage, the role of the military/police/armed groups, etc).

If you think you can handle everything this story may throw at you, you can stop reading here, for the next section is extremely spoilery.

For the rest of you (hugs over your faces), I highly suggest you consider that this story discusses topics such as :

- sexual violence; rape, sexual disease, underage - sex work - mental health; PTSD, flash-back, panic attack, anxiety, depression, dissociation, depersonalization, self-harm, suicide - substance abuse; cigarette, alcohol, drugs - violence; war, blood, death, body horror - refugee situations, refugee camps, homelessness, poverty - abusive relationships; emotionally, financially - slavery - xenophobia, misogyny, queerphobia, class discrimination & social group conflicts - adoption issues - expected early death - body issues, anorexia to an extent - bullying

That's all for now folks ! If you have any question, the ask box is open (anon on) for your wildest interrogations.

I hope you're having a wonderful day, and see you soon for more stuff !

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

For the ask meme: A) 1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 23, B) 2, 11, C) 5, 7, D) 5, E) 1, F) 3, G) 5, H) 1, L) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

This is going to be a thicccccc post y’all. Doing these for Reeve, Lonan, Foster, Harrison, and Darren from FOSTERED, and Clifford from I’M DISAPPOINTED!

PART A:

1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Reeve: ISFP

Lonan: ISTJ

Foster: INFJ

Harrison: ENFP

Darren: Not sure about this one, probably whatever my mom is (which I believe is ISFJ)

Clifford: INFP 

3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? 

Reeve:

She has struggled with clinical depression since book two to present times.

She developed PTSD also pretty early on in the series, though it definitely worsened in book four, and is probably at its peak where I’m at in book six.

I also believe she does struggle with borderline personality disorder, though this is a newer discovery, and I’ve definitely been doing a lot of research recently in order to write it respectfully (as I’ve done with the previous disorders).

Reeve is aware of her depression and PTSD, not her BPD, but these all remain untreated

Lonan:

He namely suffers from some form depression that fluctuates a bit

He also suffers from depersonalization/derealization disorder

Lonan’s also struggled with an alcohol problem since book three, and a recent drug problem

I don’t think Lonan is aware concretely of suffering from any of these disorders. He emphasizes seeing things to believe them, so while he understands deep down that he does struggle with these things, he would never admit this to himself, or anyone else. Thus, they would most likely remain untreated.

Foster:

Foster also does suffer from depression as well, though I would push it toward high-functioning.

He feels the effects, but doesn’t say anything about them because he doesn’t put his best interest above everyone else’s. In the future, definitely would be down for therapy

Harrison:

Pretty similar to Foster as well in terms of depression. I think it definitely worsens as he ages, and plateaus when he’s in his mid twenties. 

This wasn’t ever something I considered before my own diagnosis, and isn’t something I’ve consciously incorporated, but I have a gut feeling Harrison has bipolar disorder as well

Harrison doesn’t do anything about this currently, but in the spinoff, does look into medication

Darren:

Darren is a relatively new character for me, so I haven’t had as much time with him to ruminate on this, but I definitely think his brother’s death influenced a resurfacing of his childhood depression. :(

Clifford:

Clifford does have social anxiety disorder, and a milder, but persistent depression (probably persistent depressive disorder)

He did have treatment in the past for his depression, in connection with his treatment for his alcohol abuse, but doesn’t continue with it beyond counselling in the actual book

6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Reeve

She definitely believes her interpretation of events and reality to be correct (even when grandiose) but depending on her mental state, she can very much doubt what’s real and what isn’t. 

Lonan

His interpretation is always right even when he’s wrong.

Foster

“It’s possible I misheard you” be Foster’s catch phrase yo

Harrison

Like Lonan, he’s confident in his interpretation of events/reality, but isn’t arrogant about it lol

Darren

He admits he’s wrong sometimes and makes mistakes, so definitely, he questions his interpretation of things and is always open to improve.

Clifford

Clifford doubts himself SO much??? he be like uhhhummmmbutuhhhhhh

9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? 

Reeve:

Yes for herself and for others, doesn’t really own up to anything ever

Lonan:

Yes also, doesn’t really own up to anything ever, even more so than Reeve

Foster:

Yes for others, but not for himself. If he’s being mistreated, he oftentimes will try to excuse the other party’s behaviour, but will stand up for himself after a while (tho he’s a hella pushover)

Harrison:

Harrison doesn’t make excuses from himself, or for anybody else, excluding Lonan, lol. Because of his emotional investment, he’ll often try to come up with a reason to excuse Lonan’s (usually very horrible) actions when it comes to the intimacy of their relationship. Tho he stops taking BS really quickly, lol, but Lonan can sometimes be a soft spot (which ain’t cool asshole). 

Darren:

Darren is such a good person, lol, he doesn’t excuse himself for his actions, or anyone else’s actions, with Reeve’s being an exception. Pretty similar to Lonan x Harrison.

Clifford:

Clifford does the opposite of excuse his actions. He’s an extreme self-loather, honestly. He also excuses other people’s actions because he’s a pushover like Foster. 

11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?

Reeve:

No, though this is detrimental at times, because she can lack a lot of empathy at times, in the past I would’ve said yes

Lonan:

No, also is a lil selfish not gonna lie

Foster:

Yes, too much

Harrison:

Also yes too much

Darren:

Extreme yes very too much

Clifford:

Hella yikers way too much

23. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?

Reeve:

No, but also isn’t confident, or insecure about it 

Lonan:

To an extent. He doesn’t want to be the garbage aesthetic (which is my aesthetic and I love but ok) so does iron the living fuck out of his button ups, lol. Is very confident @ the arrogance thooooo

Foster:

Yes, just because he’s suave™. He might be a lil insecure because he’s v sensitive tho lol #chillitwiththeaxe

Harrison:

Yes, because he’s also the suavest. Harrison is actually the garbage/dumpster/garage aesthetic, and I love it. He doesn’t put an extraneous amount of effort into his appearance tho, is just a natural boi. He’s also confident but not arrogant (most of the times lol). 

Darren:

A rather normal amount, probably? Isn’t too concerned tho, is confident with who he is as a person

Clifford:

Yes. Very much yes. He’s pretty insecure, and while this doesn’t link back with his appearance, he definitely is conscious of it, and makes sure it doesn’t further add to his accumulated insecurities. 

PART B:

2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?

Reeve:

Yes, the impatience is real the world works for her yo

Lonan:

Also yes, the world is his bitch hunty, the world ain’t only his oyster, it’s his possession my dude why are we still waiting in this line Harrison it’s been thirty seconds oh my gOd

Foster:

No, lol, patience is a virtue yo

Harrison:

Yes, but not because he’s entitled like Reeve and Lonan, but because he’s pretty impatient and antsy and doesn’t enjoy sitting still

Darren:

No, lol he’s just gonna play candy crush on his phone and be satisfied lol

Clifford:

Yes, after some time. Like, he’ll see a long line and be like *impending doom* but won’t start complaining until like fifteen minutes in

11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?

Reeve:

She lets the other person know and will bend the truth so it works in her favour. So ‘I rear-ended someone’ would become ‘someone rear-ended me’. 

Lonan: 

Lets them know he’s running late and lies about why he’s late to also benefit him. So if he slept in, he’s like ‘My sister had me drive her to an appointment and gave me absolutely no notice, and I’m appalled at her inability to recognize consequences for actions and the importance of respecting time’. 

Foster:

Tells the other person he’s running late and is honest about why he’s late, and profusely apologizes. 

Harrison:

Lets them know he’s running late and lies but creatively. So I’m running late because I’m hungover is I’m running late because my alarm system literally had a freak out last night and literally every cop in America showed up at my house and turns out one of them is my mother’s cousin’s ex, so we had a long conversation and then I had to fill out paperwork and pay a fine and my morning has been awful? Sounds unbelievable, but he’ll somehow convince you. Or at least you’ll know he’s lying but the charm tho? 

Darren:

Says he’s running late and tells the truth about why he’s late, is like sorry buddy tbh I wanted to binge Hell’s Kitchen instead of coming to this corporate meeting and yikers the time slipped away.

Clifford:

Says he’s running late and tries to lie but it’s so pathetic the person he has plans with cancels

PART C:

5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

Reeve:

Her morals are ridiculously situational oml

Lonan:

What morals

Foster:

No, lol, his morals are goddamn iron my bro

Harrison:

I mean if he really wants to spitball that one person who wronged him he ain’t gonna say no ??? Though I mean, Lonan has done a lot of awful shit to him, and he still hasn’t gotten revenge, so I guess he’s not a situational kind of mans.

Darren:

Nopers, he likes his morals to stay where they are

Clifford:

Morals also ain’t moving yo

7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? 

Reeve:

No, people don’t change

Lonan:

People never change

Foster:

People can change, but it does take effort (he used to believe it was a natural process and then Reeve and Lonan happened looool)

Harrison:

Ehh. People don’t really change. They can if they really want to, but they’re just going to be the same person but less shitty?

Darren:

I think he’s a little unsure. He wants to believe people can change, but he’s not sure if they actually will because a lot of people just dont have enough self-awareness and drive/willingness to. 

Clifford:

People don’t change mom omg just their circumstances and how they react to them agh

PART D:

5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?

Reeve:

No. When you’re dead, you’re dead.

Lonan:

Also no, when you’re dead, you’re dead anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool

Foster:

Not really? Maybe he’d like to. I don’t think he’s rooted enough in just humanity that he’d believe only what we see exists, but he’s not like a ghost fanatic, lol. When one haunts him tho he’s got that holy water my boi.

Harrison:

Yes, but jokingly. I think he would be a bit of a provoker to ghosts because he thinks the idea is stupid, but does it for the fun. He’s down for ghost hunting apps, but thinks it’s all a joke. Probably is that person who uses a Ouija board and opens a portal.

Darren:

Also no because he doesn’t really think about it? He believes in the afterlife, and probably heard tons of stories from his grandma, but isn’t a huge believer himself.

Clifford:

I feel like Clifford would only believe in ghosts when he’s home alone and it’s 4AM and there’s a knock on the door, tbh, he scares easily, lol

(v/ sad about this tho im a hella believer in ghosts, where my ghost believer characters at thooooo)

PART E:

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

Reeve:

Yeah, I think Reeve is pretty intelligent. She’s able to see the motivations of others and understand them (doesn’t mean she necessarily keeps them in mind with her actions). She’s also pretty good at manipulation because she understands the insecurities and weaknesses of those around her. I dunno if she’d necessarily agree with this, though.

Lonan:

Lonan is v/ intelligent, similarly to Reeve. He is literally the *master of manipulation, knows the motives of others, their weaknesses, and knows exactly how to exploit them to the fullest extent possible. Other than his intelligence being used to ruin the lives of others, lol, he’s also really good with numbers. Highkey actually me self-inserting my love for mental math into my son #noregrets. He would definitely agree with this. He’s smart and he knows it. (Unfortunately) Though for the smartest person in my books, he sure does make the stupidest decisions??

(last week I was shopping with my best friend and calculated a total real quick and she was like “stop being lonan” lol oops)

(lonan is actually an insult now ??)

Foster:

He’s also hella smart, and gets no credit for it? Foster is very much like a teacher, honestly. He’s got that elementary school 10/10 teacher vibe to him. Foster is also really good at math, lol. He’s got an affinity for science outside of my book world, to be honest, loves reading, is down to memorize the periodic table, yo. Foster’s really down to earth so he’d prolly be hella modest about his smarts. 

Harrison:

He’s really, really smart, but acts really dumb?? Harrison doesn’t give himself enough credit, to be honest. He doesn’t really focus on his brain, but it’s a sharp one, yo. He would probably disagree with me calling him smart tho. 

Darren:

Is like my smartest boy? Darren is very people smart, but he’s also very brain smart, lol. I think he’d be pretty proud about his smarts, and express that, though not arrogantly. 

Clifford:

Hates himself so would probably call himself the stupidest shit alive even though he actually isn’t. He just needs some encouragement.

PART F:

3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

Reeve:

No, too claustrophobic for her, would probably burn it down in frustration

Lonan:

No, he would need a five acre extension.

Foster:

Yes! This is so his aesthetic he just wants to live in a tiny house in the woods and never interact with people and be one with nature and make pine needle tea every morning and play Sudoku and write a novel about a young man on his literary adventures in London while sitting in a hammock at golden hour.

Harrison:

No? Maybe he’d find it really fun and a great idea for the first week so he could pretend to be a giant, but I mean, I think he’d hate it after a while. He’d keep bumping into cupboards and drawers and blame it on the size of the house when it’s really actually him. 

Darren:

Yuppers, sign him up. Except Darren would be so down for a tiny house built out of an old school bus (like my dream tiny house lolol), and he’d just park up on the beach and have the best life?

Clifford:

I think he would enjoy it for a bit, but I can’t see Clifford sticking it out for very long. :( He likes small spaces as they’re comforting to him but is also claustrophobic? This boy is a walking contradiction tho? (me)

PART G

5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

Reeve:

Not really she’s boring lol

Lonan:

Probably a really pathetic emo phase ft. the Haircut before he buzzed off his hair lmaooooo

Foster:

Also so boring, no phases here, probably if I had to choose, the ‘hippie’ phase but it’s not a phase if it’s his life ? He’s like YES with that clay based toothpaste, YES with them green smoothies, #oil pulling? Sign me UPPP. 

Harrison:

The swearing phase where every sentence is made of curse words except also not a phase if it’s real doe?? he’s no lie that person who be like: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyoufuckfuckfuckfuck

Darren:

He probably had a real quick stint of writing bad poetry except he was never angsty enough so it was always like the sun is up / the sky is blue / it’s beautiful / and so are you and tbh can I get a Darren in my life

(not that those lyrics are bad i quite like them)

Clifford:

Clifford will forever be stuck in his emo phase, that’s who he is, man, he’s forever stuck in his edgy emo sad boi phase ok

(me tooooooo)

PART H

1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?

*Not setting everything in stone here, just as with real people, there’s totally room to change, this is just what I’m thinking as of now, tho I haven’t traditionally characterized any of these guys, so they change every day lol! I always learn new things about my characters (which I try to share) so that’s my disclaimer!

Reeve:

So I did write her hetero for both, but I’m not actually super sure anymore? She maybe could be bi?

Lonan:

Aha, Lonannnnnnn. So this is going to connect with my answer for Harrison later on, but I’m also not sure on both sides ? I used to be pretty set that he was both heterosexual and heteroromantic, but I’m leaning probably toward bisexual x biromantic, though I’m not sure if these particular labels fit him. All I know is Lonan likes Harrison (and Harrison likes Lonan lol), tho navigating his head when it comes to this has been a bit confusing (which I get), so I don’t have a set answer to be honest. 

Foster:

He is both heteroromantic and heterosexual

Harrison:

Ahhha, so. I’m also a lil confused when it comes to Harrison too, which is something I’ve been meaning to discuss on here for a bit! I recently mentioned he is bi, not sure if that’s still set? I’ve been trying to navigate whether or not he likes women both sexually and romantically, just sexually, just romantically, etc?? We’ve established Harrison is in love af with Lonan, and is attracted af to him, just ahhhh my brain has been all over the place with Ris. I’m like, not sure if he’s bi, or gay or ??? like ?? dunno ? 

Darren:

Admittedly not something I’ve thought about extensively, would probably say hetero for both

Clifford:

Hetero, but maybe biromantic?? I mean him and Julian tho ??? I haven’t thought about Clifford in a very long time oops. 

PART L

1. How have your characters changed since you created them?

Reeve:

So I’ve been writing Reeve for almost four years now, and I can confidently say I only figured out who she really is very recently. Reeve hasn’t actually changed very much since book one, I think I’ve just realized who she is more, so her actions reflect herself a lil better. She’s a self-centred person, and pretty much always has been, but because I know that that’s her character, and not me writing her wrong, I’ve been able to push that even more in book six versus book one. She’s also a lot less empathetic than she was, but honestly, she hasn’t made too much positive change, just remained as she was before, but worse.

Lonan:

Lonan ‘changed’ a lot, namely because I didn’t know he was going to be Reeve’s half brother until book three (he was intro’d in book two). Change isn’t a very good word for him, because like his sister, he’s remained the same person, but the way he acts has differed slightly. So how I perceive him has changed, would probably be a more accurate sentiment because his character hasn’t changed much. He’s impatient as he was in book two, a lil narcissistic, hot-headed, arrogant. I’d say he’s changed the most in terms of self destruction. He’s always been self-destructive, but he’s even more so now.

Foster:

Foster is a lot milder than I initially wrote him. He had a bit of sass to him in book one, but this totally actually isn’t his character, which I realized as I went along. He doesn’t stand up for himself nearly as much as he used to, and his submissiveness has increased a lot. It’s funny (and kind of awful) that I’ve never actually characterized these guys with backstory (just went on as it happened), so a lot of things change as I go, but his sass tho? Where did it go ?? He cracked more jokes too ??? now he’s so serious ?? He also wasn’t vegan before but now he legit is?? Foster is hella posher than he was before, honestly. 

Harrison:

Harrison’s a lot more mature now than he was in book one. His character arc is kind of funny, because he’s hot-headed, impatient, funny, sassy, etc when he’s 17, up until he’s 19. From 20 onward, he’s a lot more mature, and less childish, and from 25 onward, reverts back to his seventeen year old self, lol. Harrison’s patience has increased a lot more tho, and he also isn’t volatile at all. He’s a huge softie who I somehow didn’t realize liked the bois even tho it’s so obvious he does like ? Rachel r u good ??? he is so down for the rainbow tho ? taste the rainbow doe ?

Darren:

AHA Darren has changed SOOOO MUCH. Darren was supposed to be a horrible person, narcissistic, bitter, very sharp and blunt, selfish, etc, and that’s how I planned him to be. Literally the instant I wrote his first line into the book he turned into a total softie seweetheart with the biggest heart of gold which actually doesn’t work for my future plot but I can’t help that he’s literally a dream come true as a person? He went from stupid villain to SWEETERMANSSS.

Clifford:

lol I wrote Clifford as a hardcore ‘I don’t give two fucks about this world, fuck you man’ kind of guy who was honest and kind of an ass for about the first three chapters of the original draft of I’M DISAPPOINTED when I realized he’s actually a cinnamon roll? I struggled to change this in my earliest edits (I think I have notes saying MAKE CLIFFORD LESS OF AN ASS) a lot. He wasn’t supposed to be anxious af either, or care about his family. Needless to say, pretty stoked he changed lol. 

2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

I don’t really consider theme very much, if at all in my books or characters (this is more so something I look to after the fact if it ever comes up), but I’d say a huge theme for everybody is loss? I dunno why, but loss is one of my favourite things to write because it almost acts as a vortex for more potential problems to integrate into a story. I really like dealing with messy situations in my books, and loss really allows me to do this, as well as segue into other characteristics in my characters, such as selfishness, anger, deceit, sadness, etc.

3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

Reeve:

No, conceptually, she was never meant to be anything like me, and in execution, I still don’t think she’s anything like me, lol. 

Lonan:

No, he also wasn’t created to be like me, and remained nothing like me until around book four? Lonan and I are still very different (he’s hella calculating and not emotional lol), but there are parts of me that I now see in him. 

None of these characteristics were intentional, but he totally got my worst characteristics. Sometimes these characteristics (mostly) are more exaggerated in him than me (such as coldness), but yeah he’s kinda like my evil alter ego, lol. 

Because of this, Lonan is kind of the closest character to me, strangely, and I’ve had a dissociative episode ft. him, which was strange but interesting!

My doctor has deemed Lonan my lil guardian buddy who reminds me of the laws of the real world (like yo if u jump off something u gon fall hunny gravity is a thing), which is fascinating to me (could talk about this forever!) because I never considered him to be that close to me? 

Foster

lol no not me at all, wasn’t created that way ever

Except we both love tofu and could probably drown in tofu and not be mad about it?

I need to write a scene with Foster and tofu oml

Harrison

Aha, no he wasn’t actually created to be like me at all, and I never thought we were similar until a year or two ago! He’s kinda like the ‘extroverted me’ obvi I think I’m colder and more cynical than him, but we could vibe since we’re on a similar wavelength lol

Harrison is like all the sunshine in me, so subtract the Lonan from me

Darren

Also no, Darren wasn’t created to be me, and I think he’s too nice to be similar to me, lol. 

Clifford

So Clifford was never created to be like me at all. We started out as being two very very very different people, and then suddenly he ? was ? my ? emo ? alter ? ego ? tho ???

Clifford was a very suave boi before I figured out who he was, and when I did, he turned out to be an anxious, angsty, existential boi who is no lie basically a self-insert ahahaha

4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

Reeve

Is it mean if I say no, lol. She’s not a people person or a friend person, and I dunno what we would even talk about. Obviously if I could hang out with all my characters that’d be fun, but I dunno if I’d even talk to Reeve, looool oops

Lonan

Yes! Just because I’d really enjoy provoking him. Lowkey would hate me, but I could see his superman hair in person ? tho ?

Foster

queen yessss catch us gushing bout tofu and chickpeas ???? 

Harrison

QUEEN yes! ft. ABBA on karaoke tho? Hanging out with Harrison would be so fun because he’s actually not boring like Lonan who we would poke fun at and then I’d be like yo hunnyyy snatch up that date for yourself thoooooo and we would talk about boys lol

Darren

Also yes! Darren is so generous and kind and funny and tbh how tf is he single hmu Darren tbh let’s eat Oreos and watch musicals

Clifford

I don’t really want to hang out with Clifford because that would be horribly awkward? But I think jamming some guitar with him would be very fun and then we’d bond and write angsty poetry on our hands

5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘good guy’?

loool not Reeve

My order from most morally sound to least morally sound:

Darren

Foster

Clifford

Harrison

Reeve

Lonan

None of these people are particularly antagonists in terms of the bias of the story. I would say Darren, Foster, Clifford and Harrison are all 100% not antagonistic at all. Reeve and Lonan are technically ‘heroes’ but ha, no. I’d definitely say in other perspectives, they’re both hella morally grey, and in many cases, very morally wrong.

6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘bad guy’?

The award is going to Lonan, but Reeve is right up there with him. Neither Reeve or Lonan are supposed to be the ‘bad guy’, they just make poor decisions. At the moment, Reeve is making worse decisions than her brother, so, their moral decline kinda switches at times, lol. Neither are the antagonists of the book at least from Reeve’s narrative bias, but I guess if you think about it, they wreak the most havoc for the most part.

7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive?

Heh I love that this is the last question! I think they’re all rather decent, and have their own attractive qualities tho? Some observations:

Reeve

Kinda plain not gon lie she cute doe

Lonan

Bird boi, The hair swoop tho? #itsignifieshisdownfall, that jawline tho?

Foster: 

Fresh boi, gotta iron dem dress shirts, #oxfords, #shoepolish, #hairgel 

Harrison

Hawt boi, That shaggy hair tho? The leather jackets and cigarettes tho?

Darren:

Suave boi, EVERYTHING tho??? His hair ??? His face ??? His personality ??? 

Clifford:

lmao 

Thanks for all the questions! Whattup at this long post, good on you if you made it this far!

–Rachel

[mentalhealthandgames]

‘Night in the Woods’ analysis:

‘Night in the Woods’ is an indie story based adventure game that I have often seen referred to as a coming of age story. It was developed by Infinite Fall and published by Finji in February 2017. It is set in a world of zoomorphic animals and follows the story of a 20 year old cat named Mae as she returns to her small home town of Possum Springs after dropping out of college. As she refamiliarizes herself with the town, her friends and family and the ways they have changed, she and her friends realise strange things are happening in their town and try to uncover what they are.

There are a few mysteries in the game for the player to try to resolve. Some are to do with the main plot, such as the disappearance of one of Mae’s old friends before she returned from college or the appearance of a dismembered arm in town. However some are to do with Mae in particular and her past. Although the game starts with Mae returning to her hometown as a college dropout the player does not know the reason for her dropping out, as she is reluctant to tell friends and family. The other mystery is one that is referred to throughout the game by other townspeople, an incident that took place before Mae went to college that has caused many people to avoid her. Nearing the last sections of the game Mae has an emotional conversation with one of her friends (either Gregg, her best friend, or Bea, her old childhood friend, depending on who the player interacted with more) in which Mae reveals that the two mysteries are linked.

In my play through of the game she had that conversation with Gregg, and started by asking him “do you know why I beat down Andy Cullen 6 years ago?” Gregg replied with “Back then you said you went all crazy. But like that’s not really a reason I guess.” I really like this as it shows people that crazy isn’t actually a good explanation for anything, that people and their motivations are often more complex than ‘crazy’. Colloquially, ‘crazy’, along with ‘mad’ and ‘insane’ is a label that is often used interchangeably with mentally ill and implies that the person who is labelled such is unstable. This causes a lot of stigma, which can lead to people with mental health conditions being afraid to get help. The fact that Gregg said that it’s “not really a reason” implies that people do not just ‘go crazy’ and that mental health is far more complex than that, which is further backed up by the rest of their conversation. The conversation continues with Mae talking about playing a game every day and how “suddenly, like, something broke. It was just like… pixels.” When Gregg asked, “your computer broke?” Mae said “no like… reality broke. The characters onscreen… like I’d felt like I knew them… but they weren’t people anymore. They were just shapes. And their lines were just things someone had written. They never existed, they never had feelings. They never would exist either. And it felt so sad. Like I’d just lost these real people. And this whole thing we had, it was just… me. Alone. And like that realization like dumped out of the screen and into real life. Went outside and the tree out front, I looked at it every day it was like a friend outside the window. Now it was just a thing… just a thing that was there. Growing and eating and just being there. Like all the stuff I felt about the tree. Was just in my head. And there was some guy walking by. And he was just shapes. Just like this moving bulk of… stuff. And I cried. Because nothing was there for me anymore. It was all just stuff. Stuff in the universe. Just… dead.” This gives the player insight to Mae’s struggle with mental health. Although the game, and the creators have not used a label to describe Mae’s mental condition it seems likely that she was experiencing some form of depersonalization-derealization disorder (also known as DDD) which is a dissociative disorder that healthline (Raypole, 2019) describes “can leave you feeling distanced or disconnected from yourself and the world around you”. This is the description of derealisation from the NHS website (National Health Service, 2020): “derealisation is where you feel the world around is unreal. People and things around you may seem "lifeless" or "foggy".” This is the description from the website of the charity Mind (Mind, 2019): “You might: feel as though the world around you is unreal, see objects changing in shape, size or colour, see the world as 'lifeless' or 'foggy' [or] feel as if other people are robots (even though you know they are not).” They both seem to line up with how Mae describes feeling which makes it likely that she is struggling from DDD.

Mae then explained how this detachment from reality caused her to attack Andy Cullen with a bat at a softball game as she had also seen him as just shapes and it had scared her and she had acted impulsively. She clearly feels guilty over it, as is shown by her worrying about how much she made him bleed and how when Gregg said: “he was probably an asshole” she replied with: “no, dude. I didn’t know him. Neither did you.” Mae then talked about how she then was given the journal that she draws in throughout the game by her therapist, who was just the town doctor, doctor Hank who she admitted is “not good at what he does. Which I guess is understandable because he does like everything.” Scott Benson (the animator and illustrator of the game) confirmed in an interview with Kotaku (Spencer, 2017) the reason they made Mae unable to access a qualified therapist was because that reflects the reality of living in a small town where they don’t have proper access to mental health care. “Even when you have access to mental health care, sometimes you end up with a bad doctor or you just don’t have access to the kind of care you need,” Benson explained. “And so, putting Mae in that kind of situation reflected the actual reality of the incident in a lot of places where there’s just not someone there that you can go to.” However, when Gregg asked Mae: “did that journal shit… did it actually work?” Mae said “kinda? Sorta? It helps me… like… grab onto things. And keep them in one place.” I think this is important because it may encourage some players with mental health conditions to try using a journal which can be helpful for some people (it was for me when I was suffering through episodes of psychosis). Keeping a journal is even suggested in the self-care section of the ‘dissociation and dissociative disorders’ webpage from the Mind website, which states: “Keeping a journal can help you understand and remember different parts of your experience” (Mind, 2019). Mae then revealed her experience of going to college when, ever since the incident with Andy Cullen, “when I’m alone in a new place it’s all shapes, like back at the softball game.” She mentioned how she struggled to make friends and stayed in her room most of the time, how she “either didn’t eat or I ate entire pizzas at once” and “downed sough syrup just to sleep all the time.” The symptoms of having trouble with sleep and with appetite are common in some other mental health conditions, particularly trouble sleeping which is also a symptom commonly related to depression, PTSD and anxiety. This means that players who don’t have a dissociative disorder but experience another mental health condition (or several others) may still be able to relate to Mae’s experiences which might make them feel less alone. The fact that Mae does seem to suffer from a dissociative disorder, however, is important as dissociative disorders are not as well-known as other mental health conditions, and it is needed to have more representation of less understood and heard of conditions to help spread awareness. Mind, under the ‘dealing with stigma’ part of the ‘self-care’ section, also states that: “unfortunately, a lot of people don't understand much about dissociation and dissociative disorders, and may hold misconceptions about you” (Mind, 2019). This shows that it is important to have representation, good representation that clears up misconceptions and reveals what it is like for people with dissociative disorders. This can also be seen in the previously mentioned article by Kotaku in which Chloe Spencer interviewed Alec Holowka and Scott Benson: “Benson said that he and Hockenberry were recently in Portland, where they met someone who experiences depersonalization and said that they had never seen those issues depicted in media” (Spencer, 2017).

References:

Spencer, C. (2017) Night in the Woods Treats Depression Like a Part of Life. Available at:

https://kotaku.com/night-in-the-woods-treats-depression-like-a-part-of-lif-1797400607 (accessed at: 22 February 2021)

[dissociart]

Trauma Related Dissociation and Associated Conditions

There are 5 types of dissociation

 1. Amnesia: Dissociative amnesia is characterized by an absence of memory for a period or periods of time in the person’s life. The memory loss may take a variety of different patterns. These include:

Localized- Not being able to recall events that took place during a limited period time

Selective- Being able to recall only some, but not all events that took place in a limited time period.

Generalized- Not being able to recall anything from their whole life (considered the rarest form of amnesia)

Continuous- Not being able to remember anything from the time of a traumatic event until the present 

Systematized- Amnesia for certain categories (such as a person)

2. Identity Alteration: A shift in aspects of someone’s identity that alters your behavior (example: someone with DID switching from one alter to another).

3. Identity confusion: an inner struggle about one’s sense of self/identity, which may involve uncertainty, puzzlement or conflict. (from traumadissociation.com)

4. Depersonalization: This is often described as watching yourself as if you are an outside bystander or as if you are watching a movie of yourself. You may feel as if you are not real.

5. Derealization: The feeling that the world is not real, feeling as though you are looking at the world through a fog.

_______________________________________________________________________

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), also called Disorders of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified (DESNOS)

C-PTSD is caused by prolonged and/or repeated traumas. Traumas may include longterm emotional abuse by a parent/guardian, living in a war zone, repeated sexual abuse, neglect, bullying, and many other kinds of trauma. C-PTSD can developed at any age. 

C-PTSD involves dissociation but is not categorized as a dissociative disorder. Repeated and/or prolonged trauma encourages the person to dissociate as a way to survive. C-PTSD is not a diagnosis in the DSM but is used among clinicians since it has many symptoms that PTSD does not, such as:

Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.

Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one’s mental processes or body (dissociation).

Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.

Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.

Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.

One’s System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

             (from the National Center for PTSD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

PTSD is caused by a single traumatic incident. Rape, sexual assault, car accidents, natural disasters, robbery, war, and physical assault are common causes of PTSD. PTSD is not a dissociative disorder and usually does not include as many dissociative experiences as others on this list. In the DSM-5 there is a subtype for dissociative PTSD:

Specify if: With dissociative symptoms.

In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli:

Depersonalization: experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if “this is not happening to me” or one were in a dream).

Derealization: experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., “things are not real”).

(Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 5th Edition)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Although BPD is not always caused by trauma, many people with the cluster B personality disorder have experienced trauma. Dissociation experienced in BPD usually includes derealization, depersonalization, and/or dissociative amnesia. 2/3 of those with BPD experience dissociation, and around 82% have experienced abuse and/or neglect (Borderline Personality Disorder, Childhood Trauma and Structural Dissociation of the Personality).

-Other conditions can be accompanied by dissociation, but BPD, PTSD, and cPTSD (and dissociative disorders) are more associated with trauma related dissociation than other disorders-

______________________________________________________________________

Dissociative Disorders:

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

DID is defined by having at least 2 distinct self-states (which means host and 1+ part, though the host is also considered a part, as well as not every system having one host). Amnesia must be present between parts (alters) at least some of the time to be classified as DID (the DSM-5 puts any amnesia, including amnesia solely for traumatic events, as DID, not OSDD-1b). Derealization and depersonalization are often experienced by individuals with DID, as well as dissociative trance. Many people with DID do not see alters as the problem but rather the amnesia and trauma responses that come with it. 

DID is caused by chronic childhood trauma before ages 6-9. Different children have different thresholds for stress and trauma therefore trauma that can cause DID can range from chronic bullying and/or emotional abuse to ritual abuse, however, those with primary caretakers who promoted disorganized attachment seem to be more likely to develop DID than those who experienced other attachment forms.  PTSD/cPTSD is almost always present in a person with DID due to the nature of how it forms.

Many people believe DID is not real or is extremely rare, when in realty 1-3% of the general population have DID. Some people believe that they have never met someone with DID due to representation in TV and movies showing the character as having extremely obvious switches, when in reality only 6% of people with DID experience the disorder in an overt way (having overt DID is just as valid as covert, though, just less common). It is very probable that any given person has met many people with DID, but didn’t know it.

Dissociative amnesia

Dissociative amnesia is present in DID but can also be experienced by itself. Around 7% of the population will experience dissociative amnesia at some point in their life. Trauma is the biggest cause of this dissociative disorder. Dissociative fugue is now part of dissociative amnesia, instead of its own diagnosis, as of the DSM 5.

Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD)

OSDD was previously called DDNOS until the release of the DSM 5. There are 4 types of OSDD. OSDD-1 has 2 subtypes.

OSDD-1a is extremely similar to DID, but the parts are not distinct enough to be counted as those found in a DID system. Amnesia is present.

OSDD-1b is the same as DID minus the amnesia. To be classified as OSDD-1b the person must have at least 2 distinct self-states.

*OSDD-1 is caused by trauma similar (or the same) as trauma that can cause DID.

OSDD-2 is a dissociative disorder that results from “intense coercive persuasion.” The person experiences a change and/or confusion in personality due to the coercion.

OSDD-3 is a dissociative disorder that is experienced as transient and usually  lasts less than a month. Dissociative symptoms may include (but are not limited to) depersonalization and/or derealization, micro-amnesia (short periods of amnesia), and poor motor skills. OSDD-3 is a disorder that comes from stressful events.

OSDD-4, also known as dissociative trance, is characterized by an acute narrowing or complete loss of awareness of immediate surroundings that manifest as profound unresponsiveness or insensitivity to environmental stimuli. Those who experience dissociative trance may seem unresponsive and look dazed. (from traumadissociation.com/)

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (DpDr)

DpDr is not strictly a result of trauma, but often is. Common thoughts found in those with DpDr can include (but are not limited to) “I’m not real”, “I am not a person”, “Nothing is real”, and “The world is fake”. Experiences often include seeing the world through a fog, the person watching themselves outside of their body, and feeling as if they themselves are not real and/or the world is not real. 

 Unspecified Dissociative Disorder (UDD)

This diagnosis is given when there is not enough information to diagnose a specific dissociative disorder, often in hospitals. Before the DSM-5, UDD was categorized under DDNOS, as was OSDD. Click here for more information on UDD.

[scriptshrink]

I'm writing an apocalypse. Society essentially ends. One of my protagonists is bipolar (as I am). Part of his struggle for survival involves trying to get hold of medication. Personally, I am not sure how I'd do at world's end if I was also unmedicated. My personal experience does not really include extreme tragedy and threats to my survival. So the question: do people in life-threatening situations find that their illness sort of takes a backseat for a while, or do they make things worse?

(part 2) Would having bipolar disorder make my character more susceptible to PTSD or other issues? Would his learned coping skills or meds kind of insulate him? What are some withdrawal risks if he can’t get the meds?

The Scriptshrink consultants answer after the jump!

Charlie 

I’m gonna answer the questions about meds specifically because I have a lifetime of experience with them and I used to study pharmacology, but I’ll leave everything else out because it’s a bit of a tricky question for me to answer.

Theoretically, the medication could have somewhat of a “numbing” effect (common for mood stabilisers) which would make it less likely for PTSD to develop, but I don’t know if this is a thing that’s actually been studied. I know that my memories from when I was on my first medication are vague and distant, as I felt like there was somewhat of a disconnect between my feelings, thoughts and my actions - but I don’t know if this would be enough of a disconnect to stop PTSD from developing, should I have been exposed to anything traumatic in that time. Also, traumatic memories are processed differently from nontraumatic memories, so its a bit up in the air. 

 As for withdrawal, it depends on the medication, a few different classes of meds are used for bipolar and all have different side effects and withdrawal symptoms. It also depends on the dosage, whether the person is tapering or going cold turkey, and the individuals physiology. We’ll assume, given the scenario, it’s cold turkey. 

So, the common withdrawal symptoms from lithium include: anxiety, headaches, nausea and emotional dysregulation (very rapid, uncontrolled mood swings). Lithium is pretty forgiving in terms of withdrawal compared to other drugs, which I’ll get into. 

Anticonvulsant drugs (valproate, lamotrigine, carbamazepine etc.)  are a lot less forgiving in terms of withdrawal. Mild symptoms include tremors, irritability, dizziness and vertigo. I came off of a drug of this class and I was so dizzy I nearly fell, multiple times. This was at a fairly low dosage too. The main risk with discontinuing anticonvulsant medications is that it can cause seizures. It’s not super common, but it is a risk.

Finally - antipsychotics. These include aripiprazole (abilify), olanzapine (zyprexa) and quetiapine (seroquel) among loads more.  I’ve luckily not been through antipsychotic withdrawal but it’s apparently a special kind of hell. Symptoms like anxiety, depression, confusion and difficulty concentrating are common. Nausea, loss of appetite and diarrhea are also not unusual. It’s also possible for someone to develop psychosis, or at least start to hallucinate, when coming off of an antipsychotic even if they didn’t initially have psychosis. Sudden changes in the dosage of antipsychotics also increases the risk of neuroleptic malignant syndrome, which is really dangerous. 

As well as all these symptoms, there’s the most obvious thing - that the meds are being used to treat a disorder, and now he doesn’t have the meds. It’s common for someone to relapse (usually into mania) while going through withdrawal.

NaamahDarling

You have wiggle room. You can decide on the severity of his bipolar, how well he responds to medication, how well he handles adversity. I would totally believe it if a bipolar character melted down under life-threatening circumstances.  I would also totally believe it if they buckled down and handled it as long as there were consequences.I’ve had withdrawal from Seroquel and it was, indeed, a circle of hell. Tremors, severe insomnia, several episodes of depersonalization/ dissociation.  The worst was the random twitching every minute or so.  Hypnic jerks were terrible.  

Basically, if you WANT withdrawal to be a factor, it sure as heck can be.  You might also consult @scriptpharmacist​ for details on withdrawal from specific drugs.Immediate catastrophes absolutely can drive everything else to the back of your mind. It might be short term, though - days, a couple of weeks at most. And after that, as the acute stress fades, it starts to take its toll, and you can wind up worse than before, needing more intensive treatment. 

Even non-mentally-ill people react to life-threatening situations in different ways. Also, some react really well to, say, a medical emergency (broken leg, kidney stone) but not so much to a natural disaster (tornado, house fire, earthquake, etc.). So there’s a lot of variation within healthy populations.  And even totally healthy people may navigate a disaster and then, once the danger has passed, totally break down.  That’s normal, even for healthy folks, and mentally ill/bipolar folks are the same.How well your character handles pressure is more of a general character trait that you can decide on than one derived from whatever mental illnesses he might have.

Also, bipolar disorder is frequently comorbid (happening together) with a lot of other psych issues.  It would not be unusual at all for your character to have/be more susceptible to PTSD. 

Learned coping skills can help under pressure, but those take effort to deploy and as things become more stressful, coping strategies become harder to implement and may not work quite as well.  It’s rough even if you’re good at it. 

I have a procedure mapped out for panic attacks and even a severe attack is always going to be of limited duration.  Dealing with something like the bipolar depression is harder because it’s not limited in duration.  I have strategies, but it’s harder to take on something so large. 

I would kinda expect a character like yours to have some self-care stuff he’s found that he CAN do, and for those things to be VERY important to him.Trying to get meds even TODAY when they are can be harrowing. My Seroquel generic is HARD to get, but withdrawal from it is AWFUL, so I don’t have a choice. I HAVE to fight to get it. Finding my right generic Wellbutrin was so hard and I do well enough without it, that I just went off it because the stress of fighting to get it was so absolutely atrocious.  

So his meds would have to work WELL and have manageable discontinuation effects to make it worth trying that hard to get them.Readers who HAVE mental illnesses might appreciate a nod in the direction of “he’s tried other meds, and it didn’t work out, it’s THIS ONE that is SO HELPFUL he will PUNCH MUTANT ALLIGATORS to get it!” Trying several meds is common, and it’s also relatable and would be an easy detail to slip in. You don’t have to name them.Check also to see if it’s a drug you have to work up to a full dose of (like Lamictal), so you know whether it’s realistic to have him go right back to taking it like nothing happened.

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