#a bit of a traumadump honestly

[sunbeamah]

Hi everyone!

Firstly I'd like to sincerely apologise to everyone who follows me, and who's been waiting for an update on any of my fics. I made promises for chapters and posting times that I didn't keep, and I should never have made them when I was in such a shaky place.

It feels really silly to act like I'm a public figure or something, but I know many of you care about the fics I post and want to know if they'll be updated and whatnot. I'll put a heading below the cut for that specifically, so you can skip the first bit (explanation of what's been delaying said fics so much).

These past 2 months a lot has happened in my life. My parents got a divorce and I have experienced more betrayal, disdain and hatred from my father's side of the family than I ever thought possible. The same family that inspired me to write trouble in tokyo, the family who I love so much, has shown me once again who they truly are. I've experienced everything from violence to exclusion to just straight up being ignored, and I'm still a bit shaken from how quickly everything turned. I'm physically okay and safe now, and I'll heal emotionally.

I realise now that I was always an outsider looking in. My family is full of close-knit sibling groups, and I'm an only child who never quite fit. I was always too awkward, too different, too disappointing in the visual sense, to ever really fit in. They were all nice enough when we spoke one-on-one, so I thought maybe the reason why they ignored me and excluded me in group settings was because, though they loved me, they just loved or liked each other more. But I was just turning a blind eye to all the things they did because I wanted to protect. Whether that protection was for myself and my feelings, or my images of the people I felt were close as siblings to me, I don't know. But I understand now.

Families in my culture don't have to be blood-related. It's silly to forgive people of all their trespasses and put them on a pedestal just because you share a grandparent. I know all this, and yet here I am, still crying.

Updates on my fanfiction specifically

I still have many troublesome extras planned and half-written, and I will be finishing and posting those! The Kusozu brothers are a strong family with a genuine, unconditional love for each other that I still believe exists! I'm sure it's out there waiting for us all :)

I'm so sorry to everyone who's sent me an ask I haven't gotten back to yet, I sincerely thank you so much for sending them. I want to reply with a fic chapter for you all, and that's the only reason why I haven't responded.

The Butterfly Effect chapters I promised had to be scrapped. I will be writing better ones and hopefully posting them in a more timely manner.

The Cat!Yuuji au Nine Lives has 3 more works to come. They're short, silly little ficlets that aren't serious or heavy at all.

My many, many, many jjk fics unposted will start to be posted soon. I've got lots of inspiration and lots of emotional turmoil to write out, so please excuse me if it's something a little angstier.

[1tz-br1ght]

ﾉﾞ✧*。Why I Relate To Capochin✨🌈

Infodumping about my life, capochin, headcannons, and other autistic things! 

TW for mention of abuse, manipulation, power imbalances, pedophilia, and parasocial (?) Relationships

Capochin! Who doesn't love him other then people who don't love him- he's such a silly little guy!! Just a grumpy old man!! A grumpy old man who I, a mentally unwell teenager relate to on a deeply personal level- definitely a bit more then I'm comfortable with- and I know what your thinking, "But Felix! Seriously how relatable can he be-" SHUT UP. SHUT. SH.

.

.

.

Allow me to explain, and I guess spill my organs just a bit- just a WEE bit! So, given only two people on this forsaken website actually know about my personal life and was there to watch it happen I have a bit of explaining to do- so, where do I start... Hm, how's about middle school! Middle school, ah, how lovely- cutting out how much I was relentlessly bullied middle school was my first exposure to this kind of unhealthy relationship that I've unfortunately grown so accustomed to. Long story short I was forced into a relationship, got extremely emotionally attached only to be abandoned and have the things I love most stolen- then people spread rumors about me and blah blah blah I was bullied in middle school and people did not stop that's the short of it!

But then it kept happening.

Again-

And again-

And again.

Each relationship was progressively worse I, being the dumbass I am, only grew more and more dependant on these people who would hurt me, desprate for the approval of people who looked down at me with nothing but hate in their eyes. Starting to see a similarity? Anyways skip to freshman year! 

Highschool! How bad could it be?? Not worse then middle school that's for sure! And believe it or not- I think I'm that loser who peaks in highschool-BUT the reason I bring this up is because of my most recent experience with an abusive relationship I could not get out of.

Michael. 

At the time I was 14, Michael was 17- he guilt tripped me into dating him, used me for what he wanted and smothered me with 'love' if you could even call it that and at some point in this endless loop of hell he turned 18 while I was still 14- a lot more happened in that relationship but the important part is that this is when I hit an all time low and I didn't mention this but I have always been big on cannibalism metophors- and this is around when those cannibalism metophors stopped being uhhh, metophors let's say! 

Yeah things got real bad but I managed to crawl away mostly unharmed-

And I know because that was genuinely a lot for HORRIBLE shit to read I'll give everyone a bit of fluff in my life, I'm doin fine and I'm in a very happy polyam relationship !! I love my boyfriends very much!

Back to the horrible shit!

This kinda manic desperation got really bad after I got away from Michael, my brain immediately opting to viewing my current boyfriend, Oco as a savior of sorts- given hes known me since middle school, got me out of the abusive relationship with Michael and kinda is the only reason I haven't DIED yet- holding him up on this mental pedistal where no matter what he did he would always be perfect and amazing and I would do anything anything anything for him!! 

Yeah, that... That kinda fucked me up- I mean, go figure-

ALL THESE MANY MANY PARAGRAPHS OF TRAUMADUMPING TO SAY, DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??? GOD this isn't even scratching the surface of the shit I've been through that contributes to why I relate to Capochin so much!! This is leaving out like ALLLLLL the cannibalism and self mutilation metophors I've found myself associated with, pretty much everything that happened that lead up to me holding just... SOME GUY on a mental pedistal for god knows how long- I could genuinely just go on and on and on about it!! But honestly I don't think anyone would really be interested in listening to me info dump about my life more then I already have- we're here for the CAPOCHIN!!! And honestly- I don't really know what to say- I mean I feel like this all kinda speaks for itself, y'know? I mean- fuck man, he just hits a bit too close to home for me sometimes- I love him tho, he's very important to me

If you actually read this far- Uhm, thank you!! You really didn't need to read all this shit- I know it's a lot to take in but I uh- yeah- if you read all this thank you it genuinely means a lot to me <3

[wambsgansshoelaces]

oooo maybe headcanons about dating the succession girlies? like shiv, tabby, willa maybe even sandi if you like her (nobody else seems to). Or just anything involving any female characters I feel like there’s so little for lesbians out there lol 💜 I love your writing and I think it’s so sweet how happy you are to receive requests and always thanking your anons

I love women so I’m very happy I got this request

and I do love getting requests- it means people enjoy my writing and that makes me feel good about myself. #traumadump but I don’t really have any friends so I get really happy when people interact positively with me. and without anons like you, I can’t have these happy moments. so all the kisses and hugs for you 🫂

thank you so much for requesting <33 please feel free to leave all the lesbian brainrot in my ask box- im a self anointed unlabeled princess and both want to chew on jeremy allen white’s biceps and be cradled (and honestly just looked at) by sarah snook (and various other concerning things with various other people)

please enjoy and let me know what you think x

how you meet (wlw)

Shiv

ᝰ you’re in the bathroom at a restaurant trying to get something out of your eye

ᝰ it’s actually aggravating

ᝰ you’re beginning to cry

ᝰ “hey, are you okay?”

ᝰ you forget about whatever the fuck is in your eye when you look at her

ᝰ she’s gorgeous

ᝰ ethereally so

ᝰ you know you’re going to dream of her tonight

ᝰ so much so that all you say is “eyeball”, your voice cracking

ᝰ “oh, god, yeah. let me see?”

ᝰ you turn so that your body is facing hers

ᝰ she cups your cheek with one hand, using the other to pull down your lower eyelid

ᝰ “i think it’s an eyelash,” she murmurs

ᝰ you spend a bit rolling your eye around trying to push it

ᝰ eventually you do, along with a fat ass tear

ᝰ she wipes it away with her thumb

ᝰ “thank you…”

ᝰ she gives you a smile in response

ᝰ and then she’s gone

ᝰ you’re kicking yourself honestly

ᝰ you should’ve gotten her number

ᝰ you get yourself together in front of the mirror

ᝰ but before you push the door open, it opens on it’s own

ᝰ *she opens it

ᝰ “um, i just wanted to ask, could i get your number?”

ᝰ “please, it’s yours.”

Tabitha

ᝰ you’re out shopping at an outlet mall

ᝰ it’s january, it’s still freezing cold, you don’t have enough sweaters

ᝰ you browse the racks, truly bored out of your mind

ᝰ you like shopping, yeah, but only with someone else

ᝰ and you didn’t have anyone else

ᝰ it’s been lonely

ᝰ you’re stuck between two sweaters, the same price, right under your budget

ᝰ you kind of just hold them in front of you and stare at them

ᝰ “the pink would be so cute on you,” she says

ᝰ when you turn, it’s like heaven and earth collide

ᝰ her hair, her eyes, just her face

ᝰ your heart’s twisting around like you’d stuck it in a washing machine

ᝰ “you think so?”

ᝰ “compliments your undertones.” she takes the sleeve of the pink sweater, her eyes skitting over it appreciatively

ᝰ you hold the other one out at her

ᝰ “this one brings out your eyes.”

ᝰ she looks you up and down, smile playing at her lips

ᝰ you’re pretty sure you fall for her then

ᝰ she takes the sweater from you, grinning now

ᝰ “i’m tabitha. there’s this pretty dress i want to see you try on.”

ᝰ you spend the next three hours shopping together

ᝰ you just can’t bring yourself to leave her

ᝰ you stick to each other like glue

ᝰ you share a pretzel in the food court

ᝰ before she leaves, she asks for a pen from one of the vendors

ᝰ she jots her number across your palm

ᝰ the entire time she’s walking away, she’s looking back at you

ᝰ she’s mouthing ‘call me’

Willa

ᝰ your headphones are on, ambient sounds playing

ᝰ you’re sitting in a secluded nook of your local barnes and noble, reading a new book

ᝰ you’re in your own world

ᝰ you can only vaguely hear what’s going on around you

ᝰ you can kind of hear someone talking

ᝰ so you take a headphone ear off, looking up

ᝰ good god

ᝰ she’s just so pretty

ᝰ so delicately beautiful

ᝰ the way she looks at you?

ᝰ “um, excuse me, do you know where the romance is?”

ᝰ “oh, yeah, of course. want me to take you?”

ᝰ you gather your stuff and lead her away

ᝰ “what’re you reading?” she asks curiously.

ᝰ you show her, and you’re both giddily chattering now

ᝰ “what have you read from here?” you ask after a bit, gesturing at the romance shelves

ᝰ “i haven’t read a good romance in ages. i can’t even remember.”

ᝰ “jane austen?”

ᝰ “jane austen!”

ᝰ you’re both giggling

ᝰ “do you have goodreads?”

ᝰ “yes, can i please add you?”

ᝰ you exchange goodreads

ᝰ then numbers

ᝰ she gently grips your forearm, grinning wildly

ᝰ “oh my god, this is so exciting!”

ᝰ you laugh, agreeing

ᝰ “i’m willa, by the way.”

ᝰ “i’m really happy i’ve met you, willa.”

[luuxxart]

So this is the anon who just finished the comic and does like hitoshi x akechi and after you mentioned it in the tags I just cannot stop thinking about Akira x hitoshi x akechi it seems so so silly. I feel like they all simultaneously balance eachother out while being terrible influences.

I would love to hear more of your thoughts on it if you'd like to share (I have more myself but I dont wanna ramble in your inbox dt6tudtud)

toxic trio real and true…,,,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEND ME YOUR THOUGHTS OMLLLLLLLLLL PLEASEEEEE RAMBLE IN MY INBOX🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

like!!!! This makes me so happy u have no idea,,,,,

anyway,,,, if u are interested ,,, here

are my thoughts……….

too many cooks! too many cooks!

akechi definitely plays them against each other (ex. “Akira won’t do [x] for me 🥺 but will you…?” “Hitoshi told me no about [x] but… I know you would…”)

what is in it for Akira and Hitoshi? welp. Not much. Mostly Akechi. It’s like they’re positive hydrogens. and Akechi is a very negative oxygen in the middle

but Hitoshi is still definitely a pushover and would do anything Akira asked him to. and honestly ??? he’s probably pretty into the crimes Akira has him do. It gives him an outlet to vent his frustrations

Akira never asks Hitoshi to be his fall guy or look the other way when he’s stealing something. No no no. he wants that man in on the action. Live a little.

I think they would actually be like synchronized swimmers in the kitchen. Hitoshi despises how well Akira is able to prepare fish, but hey. Someone’s gotta do it and it’s not gonna be Hitoshi, so. They cover each others weaknesses in the kitchen.

Akira is also a really good listener and lockbox, so Hitoshi probably traumadumps on him often. It’s a comfort Hitoshi didn’t think he needed, but he probably ends up either falling asleep in Akira’s arms by the end of it all or saying some dumb shit before leaving like “I think I was born to meet you” that takes Akira’s breath away

Akira ends up spooning with Hitoshi a lot and having so much tall boyfriend to sprawl out on is a fucking dream.

For fear of Akira and Hitoshi leaving him for each other, Akechi probably wedges himself between them as often as possible.

But in the end they somehow… manage to make the discordance work a little bit……

idk I think it would end with Hitoshi having to leave both of them for the good of his own mental health unless they make it to the end of graduation, at which point, Hitoshi becomes well-loved long distance boyfriend for epilogue reasons while Akira and Akechi stay in Inaba for epilogue reasons.

Generally though,,,, I think it’s just not . Something that would come together . Like…Ever

[spencerfagnew]

OFFICIAL EVEN IF YOU WERE DEAD (vampire au) LORE POST

this will contain brief overviews of each character as of now!

credit to @franklyfeline for helping me decide some of the lore (mainly w ianthony :3)

characters:

vampires : 

chronological order of turning:

tommy bowe  :  turned around 1150 or so, oldest vampire out of the main cast. lives in the house, pretty fucking strange to be honest. has lost his accent over years of being in the americas. familiar is spencer. 

angela giarratana  :  turned at some point during Italian Renaissance (it was a crazy time for vampires). a rather chaotic vampire, she traveled throughout most of euraisafrica, before eventually moving to the americas in the 1920s. she lives in the house. familiar (slash babysitter slash best friend) is amanda. she actually turned chanse, another vampire, because she got tired of not being able to hang out with him. 

court(ney) miller  :  turned during the salem witch trials. they attempted to burn her for being a ‘witch’, but it didn’t quite work out for them. courtney went in hiding for many years until the 1800s, when the industrial revolution brought many vampires to the americas. she lives in the house. doesn’t have an official familiar, but is very close friends with both damien and shayne, so they kind of share. also is friends with spencer and tommy. 

anthony padilla  :  turned around 2014-2016. previously was an aspiring actor with his (ex) best friend ian. he doesn’t really associate with any of the other vampires, besides being on the local vampiric council. dramatic ass depressed vampire is all i have to say to be honest. 

damien haas  :  turned around 2019-2020. he was extremely scared and worried for his relationship with his best friend, and current familiar, shayne. it ended up being okay, and he eventually met court and joined the house. he’s probably one of the more normal ones. 

chanse mccrary  :  turned by angela in 2022. they met at a bar and hit it off, though he was kind of skeptical why she never could meet up before dusk. she eventually told him that she was a vampire, and he was strangely okay about it? eventually it ended in her turning him so that he could 1) live forever and 2) not pay rent. a win win for everyone. doesnt have an official familiar, but normally shayne or amanda helps him out if he needs it. 

familiars  :

spencer agnew  :  tommy’s familiar. he honestly thought that tommy’s whole vampire thing was a bit, hence the reason he said yes. he kind of freaked out when he realized he’d accepted an ACTUAL vampire’s request, but actually ended up going through it, even when offered to leave without punishment or harm. he guesses he just kind of likes tommy (and he has this weird homoerotic thing going on with him. but thats unimportant.) he lives in the house. pretty good friends with shayne and amanda. #familiarthings or whateva

shayne topp  :  damien’s familiar AND best friend. the familiar thing is more of a marriage of convenience; shayne really functioned as one anyways. that in no way means that shayne is just a helper to damien – really the title is just so people stop trying to kill shayne when he goes out with damien. he moved into the house with damien, and ended up actually being friends with pretty much everybody. tommy doesn’t seem to like him though. that might be because he has a strange knack for accidentally walking in on him and spencer trying to have sex on the living room couch. 

amanda lehan-canto  :  angela’s familiar and babysitter. they met on pure accident – she accidentally went into a vampire-only bar and, while narrowly avoiding getting eaten, ran into angela, who had just gotten kicked out of said bar. instead of trying to suck her blood, angela started traumadumping. amanda took her home, and ended up talking with spencer (who had already been tommy’s familiar at that point). they hit it off and she was invited over (during the day) to hang out if she wanted. eventually she was even befriended by the vampires, tommy and angela liking her especially. it was kind of natural that she became a familiar. she eventually moved into the house.

werewolves  : 

rhett mclaughlin  :  functional pack leader, along with link. was turned sometime in the 2000s. overall silly guy. yeah idk what to put here

link neal  :  functional pack leader, along with rhett. turned around 2010, became friends with rhett near that time. 

ian hecox  :  turned around 2017. was taken in by rhett and link. used to be an aspiring actor with his ex-best friend anthony. only really realized anthony was turned into a vampire after he became a werewolf, so he sees no possible way of reconciling. 

arasha lalani  :  joined the pack right after trevor. befriended ian very early on. likes to bully him for his “breakup” with anthony, but is genuinely protective of ian along with the rest of the group.

kimmy jimenez  :  one of the older pack members. a silly goose tbh. she probably parties the most, and is at fault for most of the pack’s turnings.

trevor evarts  :  basically adopted by rhett and link. youngest out of the group, he gets along the most with arasha. 

garrett palm  :  one of the oldest pack members, he was a werewolf for long before he joined the pack. pretty chaotic, but not in the way you’d expect. he cooks the most, but is known to play pranks on fellow pack members. 

keith leak jr  :  nobody knows how he got there, he just kind of showed up. pretty chill, normally lives in the pack house. he’s the closest any of them get to stereotypical werewolves.

settings:

the house  : 

the house is the house that tommy, spencer, angela, amanda, courtney, damien, shayne, and chanse live in. it’s a two-story house in los angeles that they hypnotised their way into getting for free. it's dark and wooden, but it does have a pool outside, so thats a plus. it has 5 bedrooms, along with 2 other ‘living spaces’ that they’ve converted into bedrooms (shayne and damien stay in the same room. “just to take up less space”.)

pack center  : 

the pack center is a small few-room abandoned house that the pack found and fixed up (illegally, but that doesn’t matter). they live mostly separately, but it functions as a meeting area or housing situation. 

also! here is the google doc containing all of that information PLUS a (mostly) accurate list of fics in this series that are published or in the planning stages! i will try to update it as frequently as possible.

[choutenyuki-chan]

INTRO!!!

This will hopefully be the first and last time I break character on either of my NSO blogs, but I felt it was necessary to post a real intro considering the things that will be posted on this account.

(TL;DR @ the bottom)

DISCLAIMER!!!

These blogs were created with the purpose of being a creative outlet for my trauma and mental illness. This means that some of the content on this page might be unpleasant for some people. If that's the case, don't view my blog.

To start things off...

16+ only, please. I want to create a safe space for as many people as I can, but I don't want to be responsible for influencing any kids into doing any of the things I speak about.

For anonymity, I'm not going to tell you my actual name, so please just call me Kangel or Ame, depending on the blog you are viewing.

I will do my best to always tag any possible triggers on my heavier posts, so please correct me if I miss a tag or incorrectly tag something.

TRIGGER WARNINGS!!

As I just mentioned, there will be a lot of triggering things posted on both of these blogs. Because of that, I'd like to compile what will be the most common trigger warnings to look out for on this page (will be updated as I post to remain accurate)

Mentions of grooming

Mentions of past trauma

Neglect

Fear of abandonment

Long rambles during panic attacks

Addiction

Abuse/toxic relationships

Intrusive thoughts

Self-harm

Mentions of suicidality

A Bit About Me

I like Jirai and the message it sends as it's something I heavily relate to. I don't have any jirai clothing yet, but I'm saving to buy my first item asap! I also really like vocaloid, visual kei, breakcore, and honestly most kinds of music haha.

If you couldn't guess, I really like NSO. The kind of person Ame-chan is really spoke to me. I've always wanted to take on a new persona online, and what better way than a Kangel blog! I'll speak a little more on the roles of each blog later, tho <3

I really like RPGs like Persona and Final Fantasy as I grew up playing both. They're both really comforting games for me.

I suspect I have Autism and either BPD or bipolar. I'm in the process of trying to find a psychologist to get an assessment and confirm my suspicions, but it's hard to find anyone where I live.

The Kangel blog!

This blog is where I'll post my lighter content. It's my distraction from my actual life and is mainly here for me to pretend I'm someone else. This means that while I'm on the Kangel blog, I'll do things like write in American-English as it's another layer of disconnect from my real life.

There will be much less triggering content on this blog, but there will be an occasional vent post, but that will likely be written in the style of the in-game vent streams and tweets. That means it will likely be a bit dramatised to sound entertaining. Those posts will still have tagged TWs regardless.

The Ame-Chan blog!

This blog is like the priv Twitter account that Ame has in-game. Darker posts will go here, and almost everything will be a vent of some kind. If I feel it's necessary, I will also add a 'check the tags' disclaimer at the beginning of the post so you can decide whether you're in the right headspace to read that post. This is essentially my diary tho and sometimes I just might not add tags. I'll always do my best tho.

This blog is essentially a public diary, which means there will be a lot of in-depth description of my current state and any retelling of past trauma. "Traumadumping" about my childhood will be kept at a minimum though.

This also means that I will occasionally post about dreams I have. I rarely have good dreams, and they're almost always some kind of dream relating to trauma. These normally have a different list of TWs to look out for (including the original list).

I will list those below:

Kidnapping

SA (sometimes explicit, but I will likely never go into those details unless I found it particularly distressing. Those will always be under different tags, though)

Running away/homelessness

Survival game type plot

Physical abandonment

Murder

There will likely be more added as this account develops.

Both blogs, but primarily the Ame one, will occasionally mention a P-Chan. This refers to two different people, but I'll never disclose which is which. This is mostly for privacy.

P-Chan 1 refers to a real-life person I know and have a semi-toxic friendship with. If I succumb to the BPD allegations, I'd assume they're my 'favourite person'.

P-Chan 2 is fake. They don't exist. They're a character in my head who is my ideal person. They exist so that I have someone to project my unhealthy obsession onto instead of the real P-Chan. This often also means posting the intrusive thoughts I have around P-Chan.

OUTRO!!!

I tried to keep this short while having as much info about this page as needed. I hope this can be a safe space for anyone who relates to me and wants to get to know me. I'm always open to making new friends <33

TL;DR

Mentally ill girl creates blogs to ignore her problems and vent while staying as anonymous as she can. Triggering posts galore, but it will be tagged to the best of her ability.

[dykeyuu]

i’m not gonna actually reblog it bc i don’t feel like getting dogpiled but this is the most allistic take i’ve seen in a hot fucking minute like first of all since when are the two options “mind numbing small talk” and “traumadumping your deepest darkest secrets” like there’s a middle ground… there is talking in a meaningful and connected non-small talk way that also isn’t therapy session-level sharing😭 and secondly i cannot fathom on any level how it would be enjoyable to engage in small talk with anyone. like im not “speedrunning” anything i am just having a conversation as a human being and as a human being i do not want to engage in some pre-constructed social ritual that i can barely navigate half the time, that drains me energetically and affords me no sense of connectedness (and usually feels like it alienates me even more). if having a human conversation with someone makes you uncomfortable that’s not my fucking problem. if you don’t understand how one might feel glimpses of connectedness from a conversation with a stranger that is also not my problem— obviously i’m not looking for emotional intimacy with the cashier at the grocery store or whatever but that doesn’t mean that there’s no human connection when we chat for a couple minutes about some life experience or something. connectedness isn’t a sigmoidal response you can find human connection in people you meet once in your whole life and in people that you see once in a while and in people that you’ll never actually be that close to. anyways i think what primarily pissed me off was the all or nothing framing of the issue because it’s a dire misrepresentation of the experiences of at least some of the people op is referring to, and also the phrasing of the post makes it evident that op is painfully allistic and probably unkind to the autistic people in her life.

idk like of course the post feels directed more towards people who are vocal about hating small talk and use it as a way to exit a conversation they don’t want to have but i honestly don’t see a problem with that beyond it being a bit of a social blunder— but i have no problem with people committing social blunders like that because i think that unspoken social rules are confusing and frustratingly difficult to follow 100% of the time. i view small talk as the thing i have to get through to have a normal conversation but there are definitely times when i don’t have the mental energy to deal with it. besides, people in the notes are saying the most vile shit where they’re obviously taking “i don’t like small talk mfs” as code for autistics

like fundamentally i actually agree with op that you can’t just jump right into a breakdown of every trauma you’ve ever endured and that it’s important to be able to engage in a conversation about something other than yourself (and that it’s pretty irritating to ask someone how their day was and have them reply “oh i don’t do small talk”) but i just think the way the argument is presented is really hostile to autistics and misrepresentative of a lot of people who struggle with allistic social rituals

i think this is also an important point to make: when i say small talk i mean “weather’s nice today” type stuff, not like surface level get-to-know-you type conversation or chatting about interests, and i think people tend to have a muddled definition of small talk where anything that isn’t trauma dumping is small talk. i won’t start talking about hyperpolarization/all or nothing thinking in society’s collective perception of the world but know im thinking about it <3

[closettrolls]

I wanna talk about this.

I'm posting a screenshot because I didn't want to add notes and engagement with the original post.

What I want to discuss is something I've come to understand about neurodivergence. It's very very VERY common for neurodivergent people to dislike small talk. It seems strange to many of us.

There's a reason we often like to get into the big stuff first. It's because it's kind of a vibe check, whether done consciously or not. Do we actually want to put in the effort to get to know someone if we don't establish that we're on the same footing as them? That they have similar values? That they won't just turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble? It's a bit of a self-saving mechanism that keeps us from investing in the wrong people (for us). We're not doing it intentionally to make others uncomfortable. We're doing it to save ourselves the heartache of caring about someone that doesn't care about us or have similar values. It can be really distressing to be around people sometimes, so we like to ensure the people we engage with the most and are closest to us make us feel safe and loved. Which honestly, is a pretty good thing imho. Who wants to be close to people that don't make one feel safe and loved?

Also keeping in mind too that many neurodivergent people just don't understand the purpose of small talk.

P.S.- if you're neurodivergent and this isn't your personal experience, that's ok! Neurodivergence is never one-size-fits-all. It's just a common experience, not that there's something wrong or bad about not experiencing this.

P.P.S- obviously it's never okay to traumadump! So this should definitely be worked on and avoided. However, the "big stuff" I'm referencing is things like philosophy and stuff. Not personal traumas. It's important to have spaces to talk about those things, but strangers are not the place.

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts (the real)

if you saw the other ones no you didnt. its just i realized i forgot some Important things so my brain readjusted. i hope no one really saw the other ones or. if you did Erase them from your memory pretty please?

like. ok im certain he Does know from the start ( i. think?) that protag is joker, since he had already heard mona in the metaverse by then. i wasnt certain if you had to actually hear him or if just entering the metaverse was enough, but yeah you have to hear him; sae , despite having entered the metaverse, still cant understand mona since she never actually got to hear him there. anyways

but like. ok its so. funny and also Bad for me. can you imagine. hey going with the plan of. haha im gonna get this guy sooo bad. heheheh im gonnnnna. get him!!! and then like. ah shit im actually having fun but im gonna have to kill this guy a few months later. well.

like. "hehhe yeah im gonna get this guys trust by hanging out with him a bit and pretending to be a nice friend : ) its ok im super good at this i wont even get attached i completely control every single neuron in my brain NOPE i wont enjoy this because im always self aware. all the time forever" <---- the clueless

god with goro being the type of person to crave attention and . you know that he wants to feel needed or wanted around. hmm. i too would start to have a normal amount of fun later like. eheh. this guy likes hearing me blabber about stuff : ) ahah this is kinda cool i can just say whatever i want lol.. WAIT FUCK!!. like. ofc hes aware hes the Enemy but that doesnt stop you from having fun in the moment and then being like. SHIT !! like. you cant fucking control liking someones company like that lol. do you guys get what im saying. shaking you. mfw i need to be evil and shit but FUCK im still just human and have human emotions and shit

also. its. really funny to me. the. fucking traumadumping like. did he. was he trying to like. appear even more genuine to fool joker even more. but failed in the process and just. actaully Talked about Real Things instead. BECAUSE guys when i was playing. i sincerely thought "hey i wonder if any of these things hes saying about his past are even real lol.." LIKE I THOUGHT he would like. yknow make something up? but. nope. he just. he just used his Real Lore. hello goro?

but like

tbh understandable. i cant imagine he had many people he could share stuff about his life with; hell , not even shido, since he couldnt know about goro's mother and what not. and other people, way too risky. they could make rumors about the detective prince

guy was just waiting for an opportunity to drop that on someone BHSGHSGHKF

quoting my beautiful friend sage: like his brain probably abandoned the plan as soon as he started talking bc he didn't realise how much he needed to get it off his chest. and then he like "fuck he knows too much about me now. he needs to die".

boyloser. mfw i try to gaslight my silly rival into trusting me by acting genuine but at some point i start being Too Real

^^ this is it . like. yeah ok goro you can pretend to be cold and cool but. idk man this shit would eat anyone away. i would Want to tell it to at least Someone at some point you know.

honestly this is on shido for trying to use a traumatized 18 year old as a spy hitman. an 18 year old who wants to be needed by anyone even. like cmon. honestly skill issue. like cmon man

anyways. im. normal about it. ahah can you imagine that your only slightly real friend is the guy you have to kill a bit later. like. the only time you can be somewhat genuine is with your fucking archnemesis rival . man. and even then its like. im a guy hiding under 37 layers of irony but hey this other guy (also hiding under 37 layers of irony) is kinda cool fr.. . ggggggggggg

[tricornonthecob]

Nothing 600 MG of ibu can't fix

LK 117: Captain Quaaludes

(pt1)(pt2)(pt3)(pt4)(pt5)(pt6)

Ya girl was NOT expecting a traumadump.

She ships it.

Man they are really pushing the "Sarah is desperate for a Positive Female Role Model."

Have you ever been gazed at with admiration by a little girl and then she told you that you're really cool and a good role model before? I have. Its mildly terrifying and looks a little bit like this. Perhaps I am projecting my own experiences.

Y'all are entirely too cute rn we're gonna have to ask you to leave.

Me, thinking about all the white dudes throughout history but especially the 18th century named John:

Honestly I don't think we've ever seen Sarah this shy/quiet/awestruck before. She either really likes the Corbins, is really jonesing for a Surrogate Mom, or both. Maybe she also sees how cute the relationship the woman who looks a bit like her has with the blonde hunk who looks a little bit like other blonde hunks she's into and that is triggering some wistful thoughts. I will spin this into S/J content I stg.

oh my god STOP IT Y'ALL WE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PDAS

lol holy shit is this grown man pouting.

...what exactly are y'all insinuating.

Captain Molly knows all about John's Pennsylvania 6 Pounder.

*vague hand gesturing* something something edutainment.

DIC: providing children with educational programming supplied by various Rugged Hunks.

....does she have a crush on John Corbin.

How are the Corbins not the most annoying couple in Fort Tryon.

You need to stop flexing that you trapped the cutest hunk your side of the Schuylkill.

Enough of the fluff, its time for more Hunks Delivering Edutainment

Which is deadly fucking serious and will absolutely ice a 70-year-old at sea, did we mention he's literally the best hope for America to court the French.

Please stop minimizing Influenza and take a break, Benji.

"Just curious!"

Sassing Benji Franx is just one of the many privileges of being Captain.

Just for giggles! :)

Benji you have the flu, get away from the splash zone.

The angst potential in the New York Campaign is off the charts tbh. Probably one of my favorite arcs in LK.

Yeah she will

Got your load right here

[r0ttingsystem]

I'm trying to take a neutral point in the wing anon situation, I just want to say I can understand both sides, in a way. Trying my best not to be biased. Apologies in advance if this isn't something you want to receive. You told them to be blunt about it, and they were. You responded to them being 'blunt with it' by traumadumping and sending asks about them under '_ culture is' blogs & bypassing them blocking you. I don't know why you did that, nor do i know enough about what the actual 'traumadumping' post was, so I'm not going to assume. Once you figured out that what you went through wasn't programming, you still called it that(Not sure about your exact words, so I'm going off their blog and assuming you called it failed programming.), Which they made a post about. Which is fair. Failed programming requires programming to actually start and then stop or not work. What you went through was not programming, failed/incomplete or not. Now you're using the term C-DID and you aren't calling yourself a programming survivor. That's good. I hope you learned from what they said, even if it was delivered in a poor way considering the situation. Like I've said, I think both of you could've handled it better. Traumadumping & not listening to them was obviously shitty. I don't know if you've accepted that or not, but it was. I think them making directed & aggressive posts after that was justified, but not the best thing to do. You did change the terms you used, and I'm unsure if they've continued it or not. Both of you have done things that are justified. Both of you have done shitty things. I think it's pretty obvious they don't want to talk to you, so my suggestion is just to move on. Posting about them is just gonna make it worse, since they are going to retaliate sooner or later. Going off both your posts, it probably won't be something you'll want to hear, especially if aggressive tones are triggering to you. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but it really is just something to move on from.

Okay I'm not in the best state of mind right now but here goes s response (co written by Dani and preaches so it's a bit rude at parts)

Firstly, we understand that was shitty

You probably haven't seen our apology because you bring up shit that's untrue or that we've apologized for

We honestly thought they had the hc culture blog blocked (from how they talked about it), and didn't know the other blog would tag ramcoa

We weren't in the best state of mind

And they didn't have us blocked tf

And the "traumadumping" (I fucking hate people calling it that. It was on a vent blog for Christs sake) was because our host saw their post as them saying "lolz non of what you went through happened" and got triggered

We called it incomplete (better term is attempted, and the reason we're not letting go of the "programming lable" is because our abuser TOLD us that's what they were doing) programming because from our research it seemed to fit and nobody fucking had the brain to tell us "oh that's actually not what it is" without being fucking agressive or condescending

Blah blah traumadumping vagueing blah blah be fucking forreal

We're a traumatized 14 year old fucking leave us alone

We handled it shittily because we're a mentally ill child.

But I have to say that they have given us their side in private and didn't know we were a kid, we have no hard feelings towards them and we wish them the best

I would like this whole situation be put to rest finally

Thanks for your two cents about this situation though (believe it or not we're being genuine)

[starsofthestorm]

does anybody else get called an attention seeker when they intentionally choose to sit by a preferred parent or sibling or friend when they're crying or upset

im not trying to attention seek, but being by you, as someone i deeply trust and love and care about, helps me feel better. i dont even need you to acknowledge me. just being near you helps.

i dont need or even nessecarily want attention, i just want to be near you because it is bringing me comfort while i am struggling.

im not trying to seek attention, simply being near you will help me calm down, and honestly? if you pretend that im not actively crying / upset and simply talk to me normally (if not a bit more patient since i might not understand right away) it helps a lot to get me to snap out of it or calm down.

idk its just kinda wild isnt it?? so many simple things are made to be so bad.

if i am talking to myself in the form of whispering my story ideas outloud, im called a freak and a weirdo- im just trying to remember said ideas because my brain simply moves too fast for my stories sometimes and saying them outloud helps a lot.

if i am too expressive, i am weird. if i am not expressive enough, i am weird.

if i want to be near somebody for comfort when i am crying, im an attention seeker. if i want to be alone when i am crying, im still an attention seeker.

people get mad at me when i talk about my new lizard, but they get upset if i dont because i "dont tell them anything"

if i tell them about rowdy's passing last summer, they are upset at me for ruining the conversation or "traumadumping" (how is that traumadumping?) but if i dont tell them, theyre mad at me because i "dont tell them anything"

if i flinch away or react poorly to being touched (after telling them im not comfortable), they get mad at me for "being an asshole", but if i let them, theyre mad at me for not telling them im uncomfortable.

if i dont cry because of something that is very upsetting or distressing to me, im heartless. if i do cry (especially more than once), im weird and overreacting

if i dont cry over rowdy's passing anymore, im heartless and weird. if i do, im weird and too attached.

its just. awful. im so tired of people being like this. nothing i do is right anymore.

sorry for the vent. im just exhausted.

[nick-chinchill]

Re: that last retweet, I've got the hottest tip. Cos I know people worry about bothering people with their problems, and people worry about their problems being too much or too sensitive to expose to others. If you're feeling rough and need someone to talk to, hit up a friend and literally say;

"Hey, is it okay if I talk about [this]?"

That way you've not just immediately opened the conversation with a lot of info/'traumadumped' on them, and they have the space to say if they're available or might be a bit slow responding for whatever reason.

I do still have moments where I debate who I should bother, if my dumb problem is just a dumb problem or what, but that sentence honestly helps me with approaching my friends and letting them know something is on my mind, without feeling like I'm barging in with my issue or whatever.

[ohyoru]

Hey im not good with words or english, but its ok to feel burnt out or tired. Youre not obligated to provide anything to us. You are an author who writes for free. Maybe to have fun maybe to express yourself. You have your own life and thats a good thing. I havent been playing genshin in a while because theres so much work i need to do there like building characters. I havent watched link click s2 because i cant bring myself to sit down for that long. Im sure everyone has something like this happening to them and i just remind myself that it doesnt matter that much. Post unfinished things, make your character builds crap, dont finish a book youve started it doesntmatter. Its about having fun. Its about forgetting your problems(at least for me) or its about spending time with your online friends. Taking a break is necessary. Spending time for yourself is necessary. Taking care of yourself is necessary. I hope i could get my message across. I cant even take my own advice seriously as im too scared to post this without anon but i hope i was able to make you feel better somehow. I also want to say i really love your works even if i dont know who the person you’re writing about is. Ive been following your works for a while and i dont regret it one bit. I would be pretty sad if you were to stop writing for certain people but if it makes you feel happy then i dont mind and im sure others wouldn’t mind it as well. Youre free to do whatever you want ( as long as youre not intruding on other peoples freedom obviously) thank you for reading my wordvomit written in an attempt to comfort you.

dearie anon,

to have you in my inbox is already a blessing enough for me. thank you so much for taking the time of your day to cheer me up, you have no idea how much this means to me (brb crying i dont deserve you sob)

first of all, your message got across. i'm not sure about your english being not good part, but really, your message resonates with me on a level deeper than language can ever explain, truly.

i appreciate your kind reminder that i shouldn't feel obliged to write for anyone. i honestly feel like it's eating me out because i put myself in the equation as well. i had been a writer before, back when tokyo revengers (anime) was still in its first season since i'm more of a manga reader. if you were in that era, you might came across my work. alas, things happened. what used to be good memories (including writing) turned into very hurtful ones and i stopped doing what i love because they're causing me so much pain. nonetheless, i still slowly died inside. it took me a while to be at peace with my past and understand that writing is what makes me the person i am. so i'm determined to start again and keep it up. but when life gets in the way and hold me back from writing (again), it depresses me. (including not playing genshin). honestly, i'm feeling lonely. what and who i used to know and love seemed to only exist in the past. people moved on, topics became irrelevant, relationship broke. which i don't blame, but it still makes me cry once in a while.

sorry for the traumadump uh- i feel like i should explain myself a little. i hope that didn't scare you too much. but anyway, you're right! i should do whatever i want. maybe i need to reframe my perspective. i love that you mention about reading book thingy because i have the same issue and yes, i'm a reader through and through. but it's been so long since i read.. the irony. maybe all i need to do is start. and love myself a bit more to stop torturing myself with unnecessary thoughts..

you know what anon? i love the past me. i dont remember exactly what i love about her, but she used to be so at peace. i'm trying to find my way back to her, and i think you're helping me set my way there, so thank you. i dont know about your problems, but if you're willing to share, i'm more than happy to listen. don't forget to take care of yourself too okay? i hope your days ahead are the loveliest yet!

also, thank you for appreciating my works! when i started writing again, i told myself and whoever that's willing to take the time of their day to consume my content that i don't need anyone's attention or approval (shadowban be damned. if it happens, it happens). i did it solely for myself. but god knows how much your kind words and others' fill up the spaces in my heart.

i'm not going to ask anything from my works. your support is something i could never repay, but i'll always appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

(btw yes, you did send this on anon hehe i got a hunch on who you might be but if you prefer to keep it a secret, then rest assured, your secret is safe with me!)

[checkers-dance]

hello oomf... i have returned here, sadly... because i had a really weird dream last night, and kihyun was in it. i actually have been dreaming a lot about mx lately? this is like the third dream they're in this week jfnvjfvn. but this one is especially bizarre??? and also it had MLP IN IT???? and i actually can't remember a majority of it, most of this is just going to be me trying my best to put the plot together, which was a little bit hard. but anyway here's what i think happened.

so apparently in this dream i had a brother and one day he went missing?? and i was like "why aren't we searching for my brother..." but no one wanted to talk about it and i was like, really disturbed by it. i think a lot of the dream revolved around me trying to navigate this issue, and i think i had a sister (not my real life sister, some made up character) and i was trying to convice her to run away with me so we could search for our brother, but she was hesitant. so here's where kihyun comes in, for some reason he was in my house??? like, he was just vibing??? and it wasn't weird??? and i have no idea if in the dream i actually knew who he was, but i remember thinking "he's not related to me, so maybe he can give us an outside perspective." so me and my sister dragged the poor guy into a room and we like traumadumped to him, we gave him the whole backstory, and we asked for his opinion. i don't remember what he said, but the gist of it was that he thought it was a good idea to go look for him since no one else seemed to want to. kihyun leaves, and now my sister is convince to run away with me. but this is where the mlp comes in. the dream changes and now it was the same story but acted out by mlp characters??? so instead of me, it was rarity, and instead of my sister it was maud (one of pinkie pie's sisters). and yes they were related. but the plot ends with them climbing down the house from a window and then running away together to find their brother (who might have become a sister at this point in the dream? unsure).

really incoherent dream, but here's my theory for why it happened. first of all, like i said i've just been dreaming a lot abt mx lately, idk why my brain chose kihyun of all people, but the mx part of the story is honestly the least strange part njfnvjfv. the interesting thing is really the rest of it, and i THINK i know why my brain conjured up such a weird plot. so a couple of days ago, i was watching this video summarizing an old mlp creepypasta that was very popular back in the day, and i became really interested in it. a lot goes on in that story, but the part that matters is that pinkie pie has this sister literally called minkie pie and their parents hate her so much that they LOCK HER UP IN THEIR DUNGEON. it's so silly, and i've been thinking so much about pinkie's long lost emo sister, i was literally thinking about it right before i fell asleep. so i think that's why the plot involved the whole long lost sibling thing, and i think that's also why it suddenly became mlp in the end, and ALSO why my brain chose maud as a character specifically (she is pinkie's canonical emo sister after all).

BUT ANYWAY THAT WAS THE DREAM + THE THEORY. not very mx related, but still one for the history books. SORRY THAT THIS ASK CAME OUT SO LONG... IT WAS A LOT.

HELP GJSKFKSKFKSKF we should keep a score of which mx members appear in ur dreams bc I think this is the first time kihyun is there. Anyway I think it would be rlly funny if ur long lost brother from the dream was changkyun bc I'm p sure u had another dream at some point where u dreamed changkyun was ur brother. So I think I've connected the dots here. Also the mlp creepypasta itself sounds v changkyun-core 😭😭 (changkyun is minkie pie and jooheon is pinkie pie). Maybe I should have a tag for ur dreams so we can keep track

[chokkito]

Favorite HSR characters and why!

damn anon you got me....i dont have a fave one...[i say, as if i was a mythus follower] *looks at my sunday folder in pinterest*

anyways gonna use this opportunity to tell you guys about why i love sunday so much and holy shit hes my favorite character of all time

also this will prob reveal a lot of myself because i. censor myself a lot in front of my tumblr moots. so sorry guys...!!!!

First of all, i'll tell you guys a silly little backstory on me and my kinda of obsession with this 2D character who would not have this much grip in me if i was mentally stable.

Everything starts at August/September of last year - honestly i can't remember the exact date, but it started around this time, when the first leaks of Penacony came out and, in the middle of these, we had the concept art for <3 Sunday <3

so traumadumping here but i was in catholic school for like 5 years of my life and i was so fucking bullied in it and the priest in it was also a little bitch so honestly i wouldn't say i have religious trauma but it made me have a thing for religious figures especially when they look sketchy as fuck so when he got leaked and my friends came to me like "hey check this out" because they knew i had a thing for priests i went a little crazy

[i thought heavily if i should put this screenshot here but in the end i decided to come clear] also now that i went to get this screenshot i remember which date i first saw him but anyways SO!!! Even before he got announced in game, i was already like "damn i need him fr" as you can see in the screenshots, but then aight, it was the leaks and i rested in peace

and then, december came and they took my boy out of the basement

AND I WAS LIKE "HOLY SHIT SUNDAY AUGUHGUHUUUGUHHHH" BECAUSE I DIDNT KNEW IF HE WAS GONNA GET RELEASED OR NOT...BUT....HE WAS.....AND I WAS GOING INSANE....

And Penacony released and them. Well. He. Became my fave, as expected

Anyways i WAS gonna write more but its a bit late rn but...i love sunday.....live laugh love HIM, here are a small comp of my weakest moments

actually its gonna be just these 3 i still value a bit of my reputation in here but my friends who are in this server know