#a bit late with my kafka today

[cottaegecore]

- Franz Kafka, The Diaries of Franz Kafka

[songsofadelaide]

"Oh, so the one percenter Officer Hibino and Captain Ashiro were childhood friends?"

You knew better than to partake in office gossip, but it was difficult not to hear things when everyone had been talking about the Third Division's new recruits. They say this year's crop is one of the best, and there was a prodigy in your midst, too, in the form of Director General Shinomiya's daughter, Kikoru. There was no doubt that the girl looked up to her as well.

It wasn't new hearing how many young bloods decided to join the Defense Force because of the cool and level-headed Captain Mina Ashiro, but her astronomical rise in rankings did not come as a surprise to many of the top brass. She had raw yet rough talent— the kind that had to be honed and sharpened like a blade meant to kill.

Ashiro was a genius. A diamond in the rough at first, but now a polished centrepiece of the crown that is the Japan Anti-Kaiju Defense Force.

It's hard to believe now she once looked up to you as her senpai. She still does, but you just don't let it get to your head. While you were glad she overcame her exhaustion ever since Director General Shinomiya took a special interest in her and her abilities, there was no denying that something inside her snapped. She would still rest her head on your shoulder every once in a while when you occupied the baths, and you could find the semblance of her tender, younger self, her lips curved to a small smile at times before she eventually shook it off.

"Does it get tiring?" You once asked her as you sank into the warm baths yourself before the fatigue from today's training further settled in your bones. You could tell that a sigh wanted to leave her lips, but she shook her head instead. "It does, but... knowing everyone gets a night of restful sleep is worth it."

What frustrated you wasn't the fact that she overtook you. It was the fact that she had to be at the top all alone.

They called you a burning star. You reached your prime way too early and burned out fast— and eventually condemned yourself to a fate of mediocrity, never overcoming the wall that both saved you from crashing even deeper and slugged your growth.

UNLEASHED COMBAT POWER: 47%

It was always the same result for the last few years. You try not to look crestfallen when you hear Okonogi encouraging you through your comms. It was no wonder you hit a dead end as a platoon leader. They say people your age should be more accomplished— perhaps a vice-captain... But you didn't dare aspire. Aspiring was for dreamers, and more ideally and realistically, for those just starting out in the force. Old-timers like you don't get to dream anymore.

"I'm not fooling anyone... It's been years since I had my shot at a promotion. I'm not getting any better, either..."

You didn't understand why you were so hung up on the whole thing, either. Ebina was content with how things were, or at least he tried to be... But you would both be lying to yourselves if you said outright that you didn't feel the least bit threatened by the rising stars of the Third Division.

On a particularly warm night, while everyone else was already at rest, you reflected on the events of the day on the base rooftop, your can of black coffee nearly drained as a sigh that gradually turned into a grumble escaped your lips.

"Hmm. Maybe I should consider that fox-faced Vice-Captain's joke and retire early. Even though I know he doesn't mean it... But 30 is way too late to get married, no matter how I look a—"

You were so deep into your self-loathing that you didn't notice the new recruit approach you with his own canned drink in hand. "What? Are you planning on getting married, Platoon Leader?"

"Gah! O-Officer Hibino! Where did you—"

"S-Sorry! I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just wanted to ponder a bit but I heard you, uh, talking," Kafka said with a crooked smile and hands raised in defence. "What're you saying, though? Don't you know how much skill it takes to raise your combat power to that level? Let alone maintain it..."

"Maintaining combat power is one thing, but not being able to grow any stronger is another. Every single one of the new recruits is eager to skyrocket to great heights. I'm sure you're no different, seeing as you want to... to stand next to the Captain if I heard you right the last time," you stated with a clenched fist, the coffee can only slightly crumpling in your hand. "Personally, I feel like I've... stopped growing a long time ago. Platoon Leader is all I'll ever achieve and I..."

I feel so pathetic.

"Does it really matter? Where you stand and all... Ranks are good and all, but I think carrying yourself with pride is more important," he answered you without missing a beat. There was a shine in his eyes you hadn't seen in a long time. "I know everyone calls you a burning star, but that's not what I heard from the Vice-Captain and Min— Captain Ashiro."

Hope.

"The Third Division stands because of its pillars, but cornerstones like you are important, too. The Captain referred to you as such," Kafka stated with the same crooked yet comforting smile. You've only had a handful of interactions with him, but you confirmed soon enough that he had a kindness that seemed to melt away your worries. "Besides, a burning star is still a star. It's still a dazzling celestial body, regardless of what people say about it, regardless of how burned out it is."

You had to admit that he was pretty cute, too. Then again, Tae would point out that you've always had a weakness for hard workers, so it was only a matter of time before your stupid crush was discovered— Who the hell does this guy think he is? Giving me hope, of all things.

He was a burning star, too, but he burned so bright that you couldn't look away. Maybe he wasn't a burning star. Maybe he was a beacon. Either way... A burning star is still a star. He said it himself.

"Don't retire just yet, Platoon Leader. You're a cornerstone, after all. The Captain needs you still. Besides, don't you want to see us new recruits storm the floor at missions?"

Hope was the last thing on your mind, but Kafka had an abundance of that shine in his eyes that made it hard to look away.

"Soshiro-kun was right about you," you said with a small smile closely followed by a sigh of defeat. "You're way too upbeat for someone who's only at 1%!"

— The Raid on Tachikawa Base

"Tell me something good, Konomi-chan. How's everyone else on the field at the moment?"

"Platoon Leader! You—"

You could sense the shock in Okonogi's voice even through your slightly garbled comms.

"Y-Your unleashed combat power is—!"

UNLEASHED COMBAT POWER: 53%

While that wasn't exponential growth, that was still growth. The first of its kind you've had in years.

"A-Are you okay, Platoon Leader? Your heart rate is increasing!"

"I-I'm fine, Konomi-chan!" You stammered right back, an uncharacteristic flush on your face that your subordinates swiftly took notice of. They hardly had the chance to tease you about it when you groaned to yourself as you fiddled with your firearm. "What the hell am I getting all worked up for?..."

Your combat suit made you feel steamy all over, the heat reaching your joints anew. The surplus of power coursed through your every vein and fibre and made you surprisingly tactless. "I'm hardly at her level!"

Right from the start, you knew that you were competing with a monolith. A phantom from the past... and the present. Mina wasn't your competition. You made that clear to each other from the start. But when you remember the unusual smile that graced her face for a single moment when Kafka gatecrashed the Presentation of Enlistment Certificate Ceremony with that stupid declaration of his—

You were competing with the shadow of the Captain of the Third Division in this stupid thing called love, of all things!

The static in your comms cleared up, followed by Kafka's voice filling your ears, his tone both solid and encouraging, filling you with hope once more.

"Platoon Leader! Don't compare yourself to her! Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Just remember that you're Captain Ashiro's cornerstone! You cover for her in places she can't reach, right?!"

Static, again, before Okonogi sends out a command for your platoon.

"We'll need you on the field soon, Platoon Leader! On the Vice-Captain's order!"

UNLEASHED COMBAT POWER: 54%

"Let's get to work, then!" You declared to your subordinates with a smile that did not suit the situation. But seeing your improved numbers filled them with the same hope that theirs will rise, too. "How could I forget that burning star's still a star?"

[nicotineculturetech]

18Trip Event - Precious as a White Light Chapter 3

Scene: Hama House Kitchen

Kafka: Why does this keep happening…?

Ten: Huh, Pres. Did you have the day off today?

Kafka: Yeah, I do, but…

Ten: It’s pretty rare to see you baking. What are you making?

Kafka: …What does it look like?

Ten: …Uh… colored cookies?

Kafka: They��re supposed to be macarons.

Ten: Aren’t macarons usually more 3D? Like, puffed up?

Kafka: Yeah, so this is a failure.

Kafka: Even Ushio said that baking them perfectly is tough, so I was practicing.

Ten: Ah… so it’s a gift for the Chief, after all.

Kafka: That’s right. Since I went through the trouble, want to taste one?

Ten: Ahaha, I’ll pass. I just came to grab a drink.

Kafka: Maybe I’ll take a little break too.

Scene: Hama House Living Room

Kafka: Now that I think about it, it’s rare for you to stay in the dorms all the time.

You’re usually out drinking or at some party.

Ten: Ah, well, right now, I’m "overseas." Until White Day is over, I’m living the shut-in life.

Kafka: …You’re avoiding White Day? You could just return the gifts properly.

Ten: Nah, in my case, just accepting what they wanted to give me is already a form of giving back.

Scene: Hama House Entryway

Nanaki: Ah…

Ushio: Wah!

Ushio: Whoa, that was close… Can you not just stop suddenly like that?

Kiroku: ….., ah….

Ten: This is a rare group.

Kafka: Oh, right, Ushio, could you take a look? The batch I was practicing with is done baking, and I’m letting them cool in the kitchen.

Ushio: Ah, yeah, yeah. I’m busy right now, so just wait a bit.

Ushio: Alright, Panda, Buddha statue. Make sure you’ve decided what to make.

Nanaki: Yeah.

Kiroku: G… got… it.

Nanaki: …Uh, Murakumo-san.

Ten: Hm?

Nanaki: ……

Ten: Why?

Nanaki: I’d like to talk to you for a bit …somewhere else.

Ten: Hm, okay.

Ushio: (That panda… Is he an idiot?)

Ushio: (Of all people, why would he rely on a sleazy, dirty old man like that walking disaster?)

Kafka: So, you’re teaching Nanaki and the others how to bake too?

Ushio: Yeah, something like that.

Kafka: Hehe so Nanaki was struggling to figure out what to give Chief-chan, it kind of reminds me of my past self.

Ushio: ……

Ushio: (…Ahh, I see.)

Ushio: (Oguro-san doesn’t even see him as a rival.)

Ushio: (A completely one-sided loss… My condolences.)

Scene: 2F Free Space

Ten: Oh yeah, Le Passager just released a new item. Want to go shopping again? You probably want a new one soon, right?

Nanaki: ……Murakumo-san, you have a lot of experience with relationships, right?

Ten: ……

Ten: Ah, right. White Day. You're making a handmade return gift for Chief, aren't you?

Nanaki: Wh-Why do you know that……?

Ten: Have you already decided what to make?

Nanaki: N-No… I've never even thought about making sweets before, so I have no idea what would be good.

Nanaki: But Ushio told me that I have to decide what to make.

Ten: Hmm… Maybe avoid macarons.

Nanaki: Eh, why not macarons…? W-Wait, is it because of Oguro-san?

Ten: Well, he keeps failing making them.

Nanaki:…Wait, macarons are something you can actually make?

Ten: I heard from someone in college that they're one of the harder ones. Pres has a strong will after all.

Nanaki:…I see... I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this.

Ten: What about your friends?

Nanaki: At school? I don’t have any.

Ten: The daytime crew?

Nanaki: Do you really think I can talk to them about this?

Ten: Your older brother, then?

Nanaki: Brother…… doesn’t really know much about Chief or Oguro-san.

Nanaki: ……Am I kind of hopeless? Saying this out loud is making me cringe at myself……

Ten: ……

Ten: ……I’m supposed to be "overseas" right now,  so I'll only be able to check late at night, but…

Ten: I do have a few friends who know a lot about sweets.

Nanaki: Eh?

Ten: I’ll ask around for you…Just don’t tell Chief, okay?

Nanaki: Ah…Thank you so much!

Ten: (Well, "friends"—they’re all ex-girlfriends, though.)

Nanaki: Um, can I ask you for advice again? Murakumo-san, you're the most reliable person I know…!

Ten: Ahaha, if I’m good enough for you, feel free any time.

Ten: (Well, I’ve got time, and besides…)

(Kafka is shown in the kitchen.)

Ten: (……Watching something that seemed completely unshakable start to waver… isn't so bad.)

[waltz-malice]

Close Your Eyes.

a galladay / stellaron hunter sunday oneshot!

link to the ao3 version. . . .

Sunday had admittedly been through quite a lot as of late, so perhaps it was no wonder he’d been having less than savory dreams. He’d wake in the morning or sometimes far before dawn, and he’d be crying uncontrollably, tears blurring his vision to the point of pain. He would have to sit up, grab a pre-prepared box of tissues, and dab at his eyes as he tried to calm himself down. The feeling of immense grief and longing lingered, but he could never pinpoint where it came from.

He couldn’t even remember his dreams, much less why they made him feel the way he did. Bitterness, sadness, and regret were all common themes, as if he’d lost something important to him, but what? Or even who?

Sunday couldn’t waste too much time worrying over things that he didn’t have an answer to, however, and as he wiped away the most recent of his fallen tears, he got dressed and made himself look as presentable as possible; even when aligning himself with the Stellaron Hunters, he had an image to keep, after all.

The deck of the skiff was quiet as Sunday stepped out of his quarters, eyes surveying the area to find only Kafka awake at this hour. Silver Wolf was likely passed out or gaming, Blade was an enigma himself, and Firefly was still recovering from overexertion during Penacony. He felt his heart twist with self-loathing at the words they’d exchanged while he was in his… weaker moments, but at least she was polite enough to co-exist with him now.

As Sunday approached the control board where Kafka was idly watching over their course amongst the stars, he didn’t even have to see her lift her head to know she was aware of his presence. With her ever-amused hum, Kafka finally flicked her gaze to Sunday and gave a coy little wave.

“Hey, sleepy head. Up and at ‘em early today, huh?” Kafka questioned with a slight tease to her tone, and Sunday knew she was perfectly aware of how she often ruffled his feathers, so to speak. Still, he didn’t make a jab back; he’d become far too used to masking his irritation as the former Oak Family Head, and the skill came in handy here, too.

With a passive facial expression and a soft sigh as he sat down in the open seat beside the captain’s chair Kafka was perched on, Sunday crossed his legs and met her eyes, clearly unimpressed. “Good morning, Kafka. I suppose it is early, isn’t it?”

Sunday makes sure not to crack, even as Kafka studies him with that unnerving gaze of hers, like she’s read his mind and has studied every bit of him like the back of her hand. His lips, however, purse into a deep frown with her next words.

“You’ve been having those dreams again, haven’t you?” Kafka says it more as a statement than a question, and the way her tone seems almost sympathetic makes Sunday want to vomit. “It’s written all over your face, hon. Especially those puffy red eyes.”

It takes everything in Sunday not to bristle and snap at Kafka then and there, reproached by the idea of being called out so blatantly by the woman – but he holds back, and with a sharp inhale through his nose, he sighs out his frustrations. Perhaps he can let his facade slip, if only slightly, for every lie is rooted in truth, isn’t it?

“...Yes, they’ve been rather persistent, unfortunately,” Sunday concedes, clicking his tongue indignantly as he averts his eyes to the window, even though he knows he can hardly hide from Kafka’s watchful surveillance. “It’s peculiar, really. I don’t even know what could make me react so strongly.”

He can feel Kafka’s weighted gaze on him as she appears to consider his dilemma, and after a few beats of silence, she pipes up once again with an offer he hadn’t even begun to consider. “Perhaps it’s some sort of subconscious blocking of your memories? I could use my spirit whisper and see if I can wrangle a little bit out, I managed to do it once for Bladie.”

“Excuse me?” Sunday can’t help the way he perks up at Kafka’s suggestion, and he quickly schools his expression into one of doubt. Still, he can’t deny the hope that surged forth at her offer, and he wonders just how much merit it had to it. He was beyond curious about what exactly had been plaguing his subconscious, and he at least wanted to resolve it so he could move on with his duties.

Sunday considers it for a moment longer, before hesitantly, he nods his head and turns his body to face Kafka in the seat, his expression wary. “Very well, I suppose there’s nothing to lose in trying. Try anything funny, though, and I assure you I will–”

“Sure, sure, I know the drill. Just sit back and try not to freak yourself out, birdie,” Kafka waved off Sunday’s threat with a nonchalant laugh, and she turned to face him as well. He couldn’t help but notice she was making an effort to be oddly… comforting, and he didn’t know whether he despised it or somewhat appreciated it.

He didn’t get much of a chance to decide which, however, because Kafka’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly, and she purred out the trigger word. “Listen: Sunday, you’ll let yourself remember whoever or whatever you’ve forgotten. You’ll remember and you’ll process whatever you’ve been hiding from, and you’ll do it without self destructing… starting now.”

The whole charade was a bit too glorified for his liking, if Sunday was honest. He raised an eyebrow as he waited for something to magically happen, and despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, he remained skeptical. After a moment, he shook his head and opened his mouth to report his nonexistent findings when he felt his eyes begin to… water?

He was crying. Why was he crying? Why was he–

Sunday remembered when he first met Gallagher at a gathering between the families, and it was as if the man had been there his entire life. He slipped in and took his place at the table, and nobody batted an eye. He was perfectly inconspicuous, even to Sunday. And yet, something felt off when he’d locked gazes with Gallagher, a nagging feeling at the back of his mind that this man was out of place. A puzzle piece shoved into the wrong place and forced to fit into the grand picture.

Sunday bided his time until after the meeting had ended, keeping a hawk-like eye on Gallagher the entire time as he approached the taller man, wary, but not intimidated. The Oak heir had long since found that the tallest men can fall with the sweet music of order.

“Gallagher of the Bloodhound family, yes?” Sunday greeted smoothly, putting on a faux smile of warmth as he bowed his head ever so slightly, another empty show of respect. Another thing he’d learned is that you must kiss the asses of these buffoons to earn their trust, and so he would do just that. “My name is Sunday Oak, as I’m sure you're already aware. I’m afraid we haven't had the pleasure of meeting personally yet, though. May we get to know each other a bit, perhaps over dinner?”

Again, kiss their ass and repeat until you have what you want; Sunday may be a devout believer, but he knows the inner orchestrations of life well. What he doesn't expect, however, is for the gruff looking individual to crack an almost wolfish grin and wink at him, of all things!

“Gallagher in the flesh and at your service! It’s an honor to finally meetcha, and you know…” Gallagher pauses, a teasing hint in his tone and his eyes sparkling with mirth. “I’d say it sounds like you’re asking me on a date right now, Mister Oak. Don’t get me mixed up, I’m definitely open to it, just surprised I’ve charmed the pants off of the Family Representative so fast!”

If Sunday was a man with less self control and less patience, he may have bristled and flushed a furious red right then and there; instead of rightfully telling Gallagher off, though, the Halovian just smiles thinly and plays along. He wasn’t exactly one to seduce men for his own benefit, but at least Gallagher was nice to look at all the same.

“I wouldn’t say my pants are charmed off just yet, Mister Gallagher,” Sunday quips back with an easy smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes as he begins to lead Gallagher out of the meeting hall and to the foyer. “But perhaps I am inviting you to a date, and it seems you’re willing, too. Now, why don’t I have the culinary staff prepare us a nice meal…”

Sunday could tell this would be a long evening already, but he fully planned on getting to the bottom of this admittedly charming man known as ‘Gallagher,’ no matter what.

/ / /

Well, that had escalated far quicker than Sunday had anticipated.

One second, he was begrudgingly enjoying the banter between himself and Gallagher, exchanging jabs and playful snide remarks; in the next moment, Sunday was eagerly pressing himself against Gallagher’s body, pulling the taller man’s hair down so that their lips met in a messy kiss. Sunday was nothing if not coordinated, but he felt almost… desperate to have this enigma closer to him, to feel the heat of this potential threat. What a fool he was.

Tongues and limbs intertwined, the two men barely managed to make it to Sunday’s bed chambers before they were ripping each other’s clothes off, and in a whirlwind of passion and lewd noises, hours passed before they were through with each other. Desire satiated, at least for the moment, Sunday laid in Gallagher’s arms, his head resting on the wolfish man’s chest as he caught his breath, and his nose wrinkled as he smelled the smoke from the other’s cigar.

“Must you rot your lungs in my bed? If you get ash in my sheets, Gallagher…” Sunday’s tone was warning and rather harsh, especially for his usual persona he attempted to portray, but Gallagher hardly seemed to mind. In fact, he just chuckled heartily, the sound sending vibrations through his chest that made Sunday’s traitorous heart flutter in his chest.

“Relax, relax, pretty bird, I won’t make too much of a mess,” Gallagher soothed halfheartedly, though as he paused, a devilish smirk tugged at his lips. “Well, not more of a mess than I’ve already made, of course.”

Sunday felt his face heat up at that, and he scoffed in exasperation, rolling over onto his other side and facing away from Gallagher, almost pouting. He wasn’t one to sulk, he had a reputation to upkeep after all, but something about this man made him feel more vulnerable than he had in a very long time. “You’re far too vulgar for your own good, hound dog.”

“Pfft– Hound dog? I like these animal pet names we’re coming up with, it gives me a chance to get creative,” Gallagher snickered a bit, but he conceded all the same in putting out his cigar and scooting closer to Sunday, putting an arm around the other man and pulling him back against his chest. “Come on, don’t put me in the dog house, Sunday! Geeze, you’re really too cute, you know that?”

Cute? Sunday was far from cute, and yet that comment made his heart skip a beat all the same. Xipe above, what was this Bloodhound doing to him?

/ / /

Sunday was all but seething as he leaned over Gallagher’s desk, his lips pulled back in a sneer as he glared daggers at the smug bastard’s face. He’d barely been able to keep proper track of Gallagher’s dealings that entire month, and the more he looked into it, the stranger the apparent Bloodhound’s employment became. Who the hell was this man?

“You’ve been sneaking around like an alley stray, you know that, yes? You’re hardly as subtle as you seem to think you are!” Sunday hissed in a dangerously low tone, making it clear he wasn’t about to sit down and take these mysteries that Gallagher kept feeding him. It was almost like a betrayal, to invest so much time into this mystery of a man and get so little in return.

Still, Gallagher hardly seemed to be taking this seriously; he even laughed as he leaned back in his chair, a crooked grin on his face as he scanned over Sunday’s fuming face. “Aww, don’t be like that. I’m sure you’ve got secrets of your own, don’t you, pretty bird?”

“Don’t call me that!” Sunday shot back, bristling at the sickly sweet tone Gallagher used, one that had once assuaged him, but one that now made his skin crawl. He hated feeling out of control, this weak, and he was determined to eliminate the source. “I may have my secrets, but they’re for the benefit of others, Mister Gallagher. And I hardly find it convincing that you have any secrets that aren’t only for your own gain!”

A beat of silence follows after that, a tension hanging thick in the air as Gallagher’s smile slowly faded, and he stared Sunday down. The Halovian nearly felt unnerved, but he held his ground, and he watched in outrage as a bitter smirk twisted on the Bloodhound’s lips.

“I won’t deny you there, Mister Oak. I’m a selfish man, and I’m afraid I gave you the wrong impression that you could change that,” Gallagher’s voice was flat, lacking in the usual warmth it held, and Sunday felt a chill run down his spine at the near-deadly glint in the man’s eyes. “Now, why don’t you run along and play with your toys, Mister Oak? I have a job to do, as you have so politely reminded me of.”

Gallagher waved Sunday away then, making it clear the conversation was over. Sunday almost had the impulse to continue chewing the other man out, but he felt… heavy. He decided he would leave with the little dignity he had left, if Gallagher decided it was as he saw fit.

Spinning around on his heel, Sunday stalked off, keeping a mask of fury still on his face, but he felt a brew of conflicting emotions inside. Why did he feel so hurt? Why did he feel used? He was not one of the weak, he was not one of the ones to feel shepherded — so why?

Why did he already miss Gallagher?

/ / /

Sunday had thought he was dead for certain. When Gallagher had practically cornered him in his office, he could practically taste the bitter bile of death in the air. Is this what Robin had felt when Gallagher had taken her life? In a way, the Halovian man felt he was responsible; maybe if he’d exposed this wretched hound sooner, this wouldn’t have all fallen apart.

Then, when Unto Death’s coil struck, Sunday found himself… breathing. Alive. With his sister, Robin.

Sunday didn’t know what to make of it. Even if Gallagher’s intentions were apparently good-natured, even if the Bloodhound had revealed it all in the name of the Trailblazer’s cause… Sunday could not feel content. No, he couldn’t be satisfied knowing he was not only lied to, but used in the grand scheme of this man’s plans, no matter how just.

But it was fine. Sunday would have his time to dish out punishment soon enough; he had his own turn to enact a betrayal, after all. It seemed Gallagher was aware of Sunday’s plans as well, somehow that damn devil had seen through him yet again. But he said nothing, neither of them did. Gallagher just gave him one last forlorn look, as if Sunday was the one in the wrong!

He only hoped, as he turned his back to Gallagher one final time, that this loyal old mutt would be able to witness the dream Sunday had so carefully crafted before vanishing. For he knew that if his deductions were correct, Gallagher had revealed his secrets, and thus, he would meet his own end in due time.

Sunday didn’t need to acknowledge how that very thought made his stomach sick. He only needed to keep his eyes ahead, and he would bring order to this chaotic dreamscape once and for all.

/ / /

Sunday couldn’t stop the tears from falling, from clouding his vision and twisting his heart into painful knots. It had all been for nothing. He had been so sure what he was doing was right, and in the end, he’d had a hand in Gallagher’s death all the same. Maybe if he had realized Gopher Wood was a false prophet sooner, maybe if he wasn’t part of the very same antagonists the Trailblazers had to defeat–

He hadn’t even realized he’d been struggling to breathe until Kafka had reached out to put a steadying grip on Sunday’s shoulder, her voice soothing and almost maternal as she guided him through a few breathing exercises. “In and out, slowly birdie, slowly…”

It took a few minutes before Sunday could think clearly again, his throat hoarse and his eyes stinging from the realization of what had been the source of his grief all along. Gallagher, oh Aeons, how had he forgotten you?

Sunday didn’t need to look at Kafka to know her expression was sympathetic, and he just shook his head, gripping his knees as he made sure not to spike into another lapse of sobs once again. He finally brought his gaze up to look at her, and she just nodded understandingly, patting his shoulder one last time before standing up and leaving him at the control panel without another word.

It was amazing just how far a human’s trust could go. It was a shame he couldn’t show the same trust to Gallagher when he had the chance. He’d been so keen on placing faith in no one but himself, and look where it got him…

Sunday was such a fool. Such a goddamn fool.

With a shaking sigh, he pulled himself into a standing position, intending to wash his face at the least before the other Stellaron Hunters woke up, as well as process the past he’d just realized, when the clatter of metal hitting the ground caught his attention. Blinking, Sunday’s eyes drifted down to see a simple silver lighter, and he picked it up with careful hands, inspecting the familiar item with a small smile.

“Ever the loyal dog, aren’t you, hound?”

Sunday wouldn’t forget Gallagher, not this time, not ever again.

[sim-patelle]

Ushijima Wakatoshi headcanons

fluff! little angst! mentioning of alcohol!

---------------------------------------------------

●Would bring you a little bouquet of flowers when you come back from big exams

●He especially likes violet asters, it feels like they would fit to his personality

●Ushijima is kind of a talker around you

●If you and him are out in public and you both overhear a bit of tea/situations from other persons, he would later bring it up again and would discuss with/talk to you about it

●He is an honest person, but he knows when he shouldn't brag about some things

●When you play music from laufey through the house/appartment and sing with it, he wouldn't mind

●After all, he would even sing along, especially to "from the start" because he found it from Tiktok

●It also reminds him of the love between you

●Short situation: while you want to clean up the appartment with Ushijima, you asked if he's okay if you put some music on. "Do it, I don't mind" he says and starts to wash the dishes in the kitchen while you clean the fridge. You sing along Laufeys songs. 'have to get this off my chest, I'm telling you today'

●"that when I talk to you, oh, cupid walks right through and shoots an arrow through my heart" you hear along with your voice. You stop and turn your head around with your eyes widened to Ushijima. "You like Laufey?" "Yes, it's a good song" he says as if it was nothing and hums along. Your heart melted on the spot.

●If you think he would be good at cooking, you're wrong. He would most likely just cut the ingredients while you cook the meal

●Ushijima is not much of a drinker when it comes to alcohol, he barely drinks on parties but if he does, then it's most likely Radler or a glass of sparkling wine

●As he gets older, he tried some whiskey and gin, but he still would drink it just on special occasions

●And he is known for his silent greetings, he greets you with just one hand up and stares at you unintentionally

●If he would make/do music, He would be in a choir singing alto or tenor

●If you wanna surprise him with a place, bring him to a lake with little cliffs. Ushijima would love just swimming around with you and jumping off the little cliffs.

●He's a bookworm but he wouldn't call himself one, and if there would be a homework to read a book/novel, he would read it immediately

●He really likes reading old novels, especially Jane Austen and Kafka

●Love Language : Acts of service and quality time are his top. He doesn't mind touching you or being touched, he's open with it

●If he shows his love by physical touch, he definetly gives you kisses on your forehead and head while hugging light

●If you feel down, don't be shy to cuddle with him, asking is the best thing to do

●If he receives physical touch, he loves it when you stroke litghly with your nails over his neck, the sensation is beautiful to him

●Ushijima is always gonna help you with chores throughout the house, there are even days when only he does the housework. He likes the feeling of you finally relaxing and showing you love while helping out

●Don't be shy to compliment him, it's making him a little bit shy even if it's not noticable

●But don't expect much compliments from Ushijima, as he is not much of an all-around talker

●But he would take notice if words of affirmation is your love language, just so he can show how he cares about you

●Be ready for some late evening/afternoon walks, it calms 'toshis heart

----little angst here

●He cries, very rarely but he does, and he thinks he shouldn't bc it's a' sign of weakness'

●All because of the pressure he got from his family and work, sometimes he can't endure it and he should know that that's okay

●He cries without saying anything, he just sits and little tears run over his cheeks, silent like a cat sleeping

●And as ushijima realizes, he tries to overcome his sadness and just wipes his tears quickly but steady away

●We go away from the angst now

●Ushijima is a person that doesn't really listen to music in his freetime, sure he has some songs he likes but he listens to podcasts more

●'toshi randomly gives advices unintentionally, like he doesn't even notice it

----<3----

[partof-shan]

Over the past year, I have heard about Stoicism on some of the podcasts I follow and in interviews with some of my favourite authors. This ancient philosophy, shared by these people from different countries and cultural backgrounds, really resonated with me. That’s why I started reading The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselmanand have been writing The Daily Stoic Journal for few months. I’ve never kept a diary before, but The Daily Stoic Journal feels different, Each day, it presents a question to reflect on, making it easy and fun to write. I won’t explain Stoicism here—instead, I’ll share the comic I created while answering the February 22nd question.

February 22nd, Am I certain what I want to say isn’t better left unsaid?

And my answers to this question are literally as follows:

I'm quite aware of this. Things that I want to say, which I know it’s better not to say it, and said it anyway, have become less and less - this seems to be able to turn into a comic! Frame 1. There are things I want to say... Frame 2. But it’s better that I don’t say it… Frame 3. But sometimes, I can’t resist saying them... Frame 4. has become less and less ...

Here is the comic:

I also want to share some more questions from The Daily Stoic Journal by Ryan Holiday, and my answers to them, and some quotes from the book The Daily Stoic.

January 1st, What things are truly in my control?

My answer: My actions and feelings.

January 7th, How can I keep my mind clear from pollution?

My answer: This is a really good question for today, as it's my first day back at work after travelling and resting for over two weeks. No matter what happens, I should remember my principles, what I seek, and what is beyond my control. Relax and don't overreact by being too vigilant. The faces of bad things are actually clear and easy to see. (My working environment could be toxic sometimes.)

January 12th, Where is the path to serenity?

My answer: Probably choosing the path to serenity is the path to serenity. I have been reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami recently, it has a lot to say about how the real world and the world of the mind are like parallel worlds, they can be completely unrelated or merged together. Probably the world we live in is also the result of our choices, and the same world is billions of different worlds for everyone on this planet.

February 5th, Am I thinking before I act?

My answer: I basically think twice before I act, I just sometimes don't act at all after thinking twice. There are a lot of things I could do and want to do that I don't do because I'm not sure how to do it. I need to be a bit more action-oriented rather than thinking twice.

I should think more before I play games or stay up late watching television though.

------------

“The single most important practice in Stoic philosophy is differentiating between what we can change and what we can’t. What we have influence over and what we do not.” 

“Control your perceptions. Direct your actions properly. Willingly accept what’s outside your control.”

“Tranquility and peace are found in identifying our path and in sticking to it: staying the course—making adjustments here and there, naturally—but ignoring the distracting sirens who beckon us to turn toward the rocks.”

-The Daily Stoic, by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman

[ceaselesswatchersspecialboy]

Hullo.

I am Asking about Kafka. You are now compelled to tell me about your OC. I need to know.

JUMPING AROUND THE ROOM OKAY OKAY!!!!

I had to pace around this ask made me very excited.

Please have a Bonus Kafka while I try to explain him, or at least summarise him.

One of the most key things with him is his name, as though he’s changed a lot over the year or so I’ve had him, one thing has remained, and that’s the fact his story is loosely based on/inspired by Kafka’s metamorphosis, though in a more metaphoric sense. The name was initially a place holder I think, as a nod to his inspiration, but I ended up liking it, so it stuck!

To summarise the general information on him though:

He and his sister grew up in the coastal town of Willowby after their parent’s death in a car crash. They were taken in by their grandparents, neither of whom were keen on raising children again, though they did try, to a degree, but the disdain became evident as the two grew older, and they were left to their own devices more and more with age. Kafka ended up taking on a lot of responsibilities for his sister, and argues that he practically raised her.

With the recent death of their grandmother, and their grandfather having died a few years prior, Kafka has become the sole caretaker of his sister, but, for all his insistence it was he who raised her, he doesn’t actually believe himself cut out for the role. He struggles a lot with his own mental health, particularly an intense paranoia, and fears that his tendency to act on that will impact Unmei and her life more now that he’s meant to be the one looking out for her completely. He doesn’t think he’s enough, and unintentionally pushes her a way because of this, believing she’d be better off with the guidance of his friends or the shopkeeper — Stanley — who they’ve known since childhood and who’s taken on a fairly active role in their lives.

(He doesn’t realise he’s triggering her own fears or abandonment and being left behind).

In terms of the main story, Kafka is the first character to be targeted by a group of ‘spirits’, or, one of the spirits in said group. He ends up encountering her on their sixth investigation. Up until now, most of their ghostly endeavours have been more amusing, a bit of a laugh between friends, but this one is painfully real, and it becomes harder for Kafka to deny that. They’re in an old lighthouse when he sees Unmei run outside after something, and being as it’s beginning to storm, Kafka panics and chases after her. He can barely see between the rain and the late hour, and ends up in a field he does not recognise.

That’s where he meets her.

It’s a girl — eight or nine maybe — donning a mask that resembles some sort of grinning cat. She puts her finger to her mouth, as if to shush him, and he opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off by Unmei barrelling into him, calling his name in distress.

They return back to the lighthouse together, and the ghost hunt is called off early after the others see the state of them. Kafka tries to confront Unmei about why she ran off, but she refuses to say anything, and he’s left more worried and scared than ever.

Then, the haunting starts, and everything gets worse for him. Sometimes you’re just tormented by a girl that may or may not be dead and you just have to go to band practice anyway and pretend you’re normal. He isn’t even sure if what he’s seeing and experiencing is real for a while, and even when he’s sure it might be, there’s always that little bit of doubt in his own sanity, something Cheshire uses against him. It’s also why he elects not to tell anyone that a spirit may have latched onto him from the lighthouse, because what if it’s all in his head? (It doesn’t make it any less terrifying Kafka please tell someone—)

There’s also like a whole thing with Kafka and cannibalism but don’t think too hard on that right now.

Horrors aside, please have some Kafka from my notes app because I was bored in college today and had no signal or WiFi.

It should be noted he’s typically a lot sweeter and more nervous than this when talking to people. It’s just around his sister that he acts louder and sounds meaner. The Cain instinct gets activated and it’s free real estate from then on.

They love each other really.

I’ll stop myself now otherwise I will just go on an essay about him.

I’m also being a little careful I think because Kafka’s story does touch on a lot of mental health related stuff and fears and I’m not sure how to give content warnings for that yet!

[raw-law]

My turn to be a tad bit late.. Missed me, gentlemen? I was a bit busy these past days.

Trust me, I certaintly don't mind handing out criticism if necessary in the past as well as in the future. Avoiding offense at all cost is something implemented in today's society so deeply that it really reinforces people pleaser nature and makes it so hard to find people big enough to go out of their way to understand someone else, especially someone they're not close with/they don't have to keep up harmony with. To limit out of false pride is embarrassing. However.. Being asked for it is certaintly rare. You two are something, you know? Yes.. Yes. Mhm. I understand Misa in a way, I do. The shadow of such a polite, well behaved individual must be intriguing. I must say, Light, for someone constantly performing, you're doing spectacular. Though I do admit I would like to see you slip up once in a while and reveal more of Kira, I think that'd be amusing for both me AND Ryuzaki. Keyword Ryuzaki.. keyword criticism.. Isn't it a shame, Light? Not only certain statements or your.. homoerotic poem, your entire joint blog indicates the significance of your friendship and yet your friend is new to indulging in the note of his brilliance? That doesn't sound coextensive. With analytical skills of your kind, there's no doubt you see him the way I am capable of seeing him. And others do.. No wonder he's seeking a lovely lady. Maybe you should make your friends feel a little more cherished, Light. Right, Ryuzaki? Unfortunately I can't serve with the adoration of a sweet lady, because I'm male. However as you may have noticed I'm well versed in capacity if you don't mind the masculinity.. ahem... Anyways.. Books. Words. Literature. I'm just fucking with you btw. Partly, that is. Light, those are exceptional choices. I only recently got into literature so I'm starting off with classics like Kafka, Wilde, Shakespeare etc. (though the latter is more poems which I do enjoy to read and analyze just as much) - So Light, you were quite helpful and I actually started reading Someone Who Will Love You In All Your Damaged Glory based on your recommendation because that spoke to me the most. I'm certainly liking it and I'll keep you updated. From what I have taken out of your poems, your writing style is similar to mine as well. That was a pleasant surprise. We also have the same mbti, at least based on your latest result. Anyway, Ryuzaki.. I can heavily relate. I'm an insanely fast reader and yet I'm pretty slow with reading, if that makes sense. I'm just very easily.. understimulated? I guess. English is not my native language, hahaha. So yes, scanning through word after word without being able to shift your attention comes heavy to me too. Some books and poems are absolutely worth it though. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is an adorable choice. Not everything has to be particularly sophisticated, I feel like when you live in your head a lot (which I do, because I'm never not analyzing and observing) - it is relieving to read/watch something that isn't mentally demanding because it has zero chances of overwhelming us. I have many interests and hobbies, and when I say many I sincerely mean it, so if I used full capacity of my brain power for every single one of them I would have none left for social interaction. I do have to thank you two for the motivation to start writing poems again, btw. I will send it your way if you're interested + if it's any good.. How did you two get into poetry?

Also.. Happy belated birthday to Ryuzaki. Please keep on being your twisted, charming self. I'm also honored to know you'd let me participate in an anon debate. Maybe not a good idea though. I don't like to be careful or sensitive with my opinions and debates. Are you some kind of sadist? You couldn't possibly want that.

-🩶

L:

honestly, yes. what can i say, i like reading other people's thoughts, and it's a little hard to not notice another's absence. hopefully your busy days aren't too stressful though, and i wish you luck in whatever you have going on.

i agree about that bit of avoiding offense though. i think the world needs more people who can disagree with each other without it being seen as a personal attack. or maybe that's just my bias for debate speaking. either way i do know we could also use more of kira in the world..... (i know what you are, light..)

i don't remember ever saying i was seeking a "lovely lady"... but i do swing both ways, if that's what you're asking.

glad to know i'm not the only with that weird reading issue... understimulated probably is the best way to describe it. i can also relate to that bit about never not analyzing. that probably explains why i lean towards more casual literature. i'm glad you've been able to take up poetry again. i'd be delighted to see what you write. "any good" or not, i'd still be very interested, so long as you're comfortable sharing, of course. as for why i got interested in poetry... well.. i watched Dead Poets Society, and anybody who has seen that film should be able to put the pieces together from then on.

and thank you for the wishes, hah. but yes, i am a sadist. that is exactly what i want. you'll have a chaotic translator interpreting for you anyways. however that could either ease or augment the tensions. either way, it works for my amusement. so please do consider joining anyhow. do it "for the vine", as they say. :)

Light:

Hey, first of all I'm so sorry that I took so long to answer, this ask has been sitting in our inbox for forever. I've been really busy these past few weeks, and I wanted to save it for when I could sit down and properly think about what I wanted to say.

I suppose that the world does, like you've said, need more people who are willing to criticise and more people who are willing to accept constructive feedback without taking it to be an attack on their personal self. We've become a very...fake society, in that way, rarely giving our honest opinions on anything---this place's become so complicated to live in. It's saddening.

Anyways, on to literature. You can probably tell that I do enjoy it quite a bit, I guess. And I'm glad you're enjoying our recommendations. As I've mentioned before, English isn't my native language as well, but it is a fun language to play around with, and I'm proficient enough in it to enjoy some literature in my free time. I'm a fast reader, and so far I'm on the lookout for new books to consume, so...feel free to recommend any of your favourites or what's on your current reading list. And if you'd like, you can also share some of your writings on this blog, I'm sure we'll like it very much!

Have a good day, Silver Heart Anon. Wishing you the best for whatever you'd like to accomplish.

[underratedbananawerewolf]

Fictober Day 1

Prompt 1: “It’s not too late, let’s go”  

Fandom: Honkai Star Rail 

Rating: G 

Warnings: None 

Stelle stared at her unexpected pupil. In her mind Yanqing was plenty talented and he had one of the best teachers of the fighting arts as his father. Why he came to her for more lessons still baffled her. Largely because even she didn’t know where her combat skills came from. Kafka had said that she was in charge of training her before the space station, but it still didn’t explain everything.  

The Trailblazer was quite certain that none of her techniques, mostly consisting of generalized chaos, would help Yanqing in his quest to become stronger and better at his craft. However, in looking into those distinctly unchildlike eyes another thought occurred to her. She might be able to teach him any combat skills he didn’t already have but there were other things she might be able to teach him.  

“Come on, Yanqing. We’re going to Cloudford today.” A pause. “You won’t need your sword.”  

The boy squinted slightly in baffled surprise as he followed Stelle. “I won’t need my sword? I thought you were supposed to be teaching me.”  

“I’m going to. Just...it’s going to be something slightly different today, okay?” Stelle didn’t have a childhood she remembered, and Yanqing had pushed aside his. It was time to do something about that. “And that place is in Cloudford.”  

Taking the starskiff there was easy enough since her companion had no idea what she had planned. It might have taken her much longer to convince him if he knew that today’s lesson was on how to have fun.  

Seeing the posters as they got to the delve had Yanqing stopping. “Aetherium Wars? What’s that?”  

“It’s a fun video game. I’ve played it before.”  

He wrinkled his nose at that. “A video game. Those are for kids.” He paused and then flushed. “Uh...no offense meant, Teacher.”  

Stelle looked at him in slight amusement. It would take a lot more for her to be offended over something, but she knew that the Xianzhou were quite a bit more formal than herself. “I never got to be a kid, Yanqing. So, I’m making up for it. And I’m taking you along with me today.”  

“What?” The boy squeaked, his eyes wide. “I thought you were going to be training me.”  

“I am. And today’s lesson is on how to play.”  

Yanqing snorted. “I’m fourteen. I’m too old for playing silly games.”  

Stelle had to sigh to herself. He took himself much too seriously over some things. Couldn’t he see that his mentor, several centuries older than him, still played silly games? “It’s never too late to play silly games. Let’s go.” She cocked her head to the side. “Unless you don’t want me to teach you anymore.” An underhanded technique perhaps, knowing what she did about Yanqing’s dream, but the ends were worth the means. And it wouldn’t hurt him.  

With a sigh, he surrendered. “Okay, okay. What are the rules?”  

[fujoreads]

2024 Reading Goals & Plans

Welp, I'm late! My ADHD acting up as usual, it seems.

Anyway, I'll be talking about my 2024 plans!

Aaalrighty, the year has started, so let's get right into it!

So basically, I'm doing the 52-a-year challenge (aka, read one VN a week) for all of my reading media (VNs, books, and manga).

I thought about including anime and cinema in general, but it'd be way too much.

Visual Novels

Phew... That's a lot!

I was already reading Umineko back in 2023, but I want to finish it all by the first week of February. Oh, and Little One is one I need to finish as well; it's more of a stats sim, so I'll have to use my brain orz

They are in weekly order, so with exception of Umineko and The Divine Speaker, just think of me reading through them weekly!

Manga

In theory, I'd have read Goodnight Punpun (Vol.1) by now but I haven't been so lucky! I'll try to read through half of it today and the other half tomorrow, but oh well.

Books

Okay, I got lazy and it shows. This grid is a bit different: I'm reading TWO books weekly. One is shorter (less than 300 pages) and the other is a bit longer, but not too long (around 300~400 pages).

You might be asking: but why do they stop midway? Well... I forgot to take into account that I'm reading TWO chonkers this year: Kafka on the Shore and The Old Curiosity Shop. For those two, I'm diving them into weekly quarters. For the rest of the year, I'm reading medium-sized books.

Anime

I haven't made any specific plans for anime... HOWEVER!

I did spend days filling my 2TB HD with all the anime I still want to watch and maybe rewatch. For self-hype, I will list the ones I'd like to (re)watch! 12 picks, one per month.

Ocean Waves

Wolf Children

Tokyo Godfathers

In This Corner of the World

Inuyasha (trying to finish rewatching it)

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Serial Experiments Lain

Trigun (the OG one)

16bit Sensation: Another Layer

Jormungand

Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt

Michiko & Hatchin

Cinema

Same thing: 12 picks, one per month.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

The House

Love, Death & Robots

Adventures from Moominvalley

Summer of 85

A Very English Scandal

The Handmaiden

Funeral Parade of Roses

Carol

Merlin

Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears

Life Is Beautiful

Games

12 picks yada yada yada—

Alicemare (replay)

DELTARUNE

Bayonetta (I need to finish this fr fr)

Moonlight Ghost (replay)

Mistrick

Who’s Lila?

The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe

Inscryption

My Sticker Book

Hades

Faith

Pocket Mirror

Aaaand that's about it! I'm super excited for all of these!!

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Thank you for reading it all to the end! Hey, kind stranger! Would you be so kind and consider giving me a little tip? It can be as low as 3 bucks and it’d make a huuuuuge difference!! If you tip 10�� (or higher), you can dictate my next read and be credited (if you’d like) on that review! Have a nice day!!

[whaleji]

girlblogging like kafka ; entry 4

unproductive day. did nothing except go out to eat in the evening and hate myself. my screen time is through the roof and i'd be lying if i said that didn't make me at least a tiny bit ashamed. had to withdraw some cash at 11 pm tonight, loved the feeling of walking by myself for barely five minutes and having a guy try to prey on me. i really dislike men. and by that i mean that i really dislike individuals that are socialized as men as the patriarchy recognizes it. i wish my body didn't prevail over my soul. but even with the patriarchy abolished it'd still be the case. differently, but my body would still act as a more recognized id card for my soul than my actual words and actions would to most people.

had some henna done, it looks amazing. it spirals and twirls around like snakes on my skin. i'm so tired. i wish i could just melt into the back of my brain and observe as my body goes through the motions of life while i'm watching it like it's a movie. i don't have the energy to do anything. except sometimes i do. life is so complicated. to be fair, i'm already watching life unfurl before my eyes as it is, except i have to take action and feel the consequences of my poor reasoning when i do tune out. my take is that i should either be completely dissociated from the world or not at all. how fair is it otherwise ?

i wish i could be the paper on the wall or the lamps on the ceiling or the frames on the ground or that spoon that was lost two years ago and that calmly sits behind a piece of furniture. i wish i could be unmoving and unthinking and i wish i could just be. i wish for a lot of things i'll never attain. got interviewed for a job today and didn't make it. I've been trying to find work for three months now, to no avail. my patience is thinning along with the time left before uni starts again. it makes me want to scream and rip my nails off and eat them and open up my belly with a knife to retrieve them and pierce the eyes of all the bosses of the world with them. why is it so hard to find work when i most need it ? i'd do anything, but even McDonald's won't have me. is it me ? is it me who's not good enough ? is it me who should try harder ? is it me ? is it me ?

i know i'm lazy and phlegmatic of temperament, most of it is due to a sort of butterfly effect that starts with dissociation turning into staying home most of the time to cope with having to deal with life to not being used to actually do other things than just lie in bed reading. that also goes for basically anything else that you can only learn through direct experience, like social interactions. i only know how to interact with people my age thanks to school, but i don't know how to interact with strangers outside of specific contexts thanks to all this time zoning out with my headphones, i don't know how to interact with family thanks to all those family reunions i skipped or spent reading on my phone. except now it's too late to learn. i'm too old to learn. too aged for my inadequacy to be looked upon with indulgent eyes. and yet i'm nothing but a child whose body kept growing and growing and growing while she remained a 9 year old girl that no one wants to play with at recess.

i'm tired of being mocked. i don't know how to make the difference between real and imagined mockery. it makes no sense to me that people would do this. it's so painful, how could it bring anyone any kind of pleasure being the bearer of such hurt and humiliation ? i feel like people mock me or dislike me because they somehow feel i'm not as most others are, that my colours are faded. like i'm from the twilight zone. i want to open the floor and slip into it and close it back up behind me. i want to live under the floorboards and stay here indefinitely. until i'm healed. until i feel ready to crawl back into society and to act as everyone wants me to : as someone that's aware of societal norms and customs, that has energy to spend into others and into work, that's actually there and not just trying their best to pretend they are.

[kafkaoftherubble]

终于来照顾下这瓦砾中的花园。

I can't believe Tumblr just ate the stuff I wrote just now. I thought you'd auto-save a draft. But it was completely unsaved! Urgh.

Anyway, I don't know why people can just visit their social media accounts whenever they have the time or feel like they want to kill some time. Because I need to schedule a time for it. Had to make it like it's a to-do list item. I can't just... show up.

Why? Because...

I just don't differentiate between online and physical socialization.

It takes effort to hang out with friends. It needs preparation—and heedfulness throughout the whole event. It's not like I'm trying to put on a facade, though. It's more like there are simply a range of standards, principles, and attitudes I need to adhere to during socialization. It's not like I'm perfect whenever I'm socializing because of these rules, either; it's that I don't think I'm genuinely good at it. I have to be mindful of my conduct!

So it's the same with social media, especially when you're using it to socialize. There are genuine friends here. So I need to put in effort too.

---

Since I haven't received any new project lately, the you of this time tried drawing again! And man, I suck. Honestly, the most recent versions of Lyndis including me just forgot how to draw already. It's a bit demoralizing because drawing is seriously very hard.

On the other hand, I started to read a book. It sounds like an attempt... because it is. It's called

The Enigma of Reason: A New Theory of Human Understanding

by Hugo Mercier and Dan Spencer.

The premises are absolutely riveting—and we of this time had only read the prologue and some parts of Chapter 1.

Honestly, the you of yesterday and today (that's me!) are nursing the idea of writing notes about this in this garden. But it's also kinda 麻烦 because we'll write in Commonest, the commonplace book, and on the book margins. Putting our study notes here just means we're writing a bunch of essays again. Essays no one other than ourselves might want to see. Maybe they would find it interesting? We already wrote about the prologue on Discord yesterday.

It will justify the cognitive cost, though, if people will find such notes of use. After all, it's not like we like to be online.

Testing out the gradient system! Hee hee. There's a reason for this. New formatting for rambles now, Rigless Prince! You know what this is for... though it's probably only relevant next year.

Finally, the "Kafka" color is back! You took our yellow away, Tumblr... But now, I've learned something new.

[suugrbunz]

Hey! 💝anon here.. That was me giving tips earlier.. Been back on Tumblr for just a couple days, clearing out my old account, saying hellos to old online friends. Thank you, so much, for how you inspired my story last year. You motivated me - so much!

The story finished. I adidn’t do a huge amount with Maureen & Lyam’s relationship; they had a few more moments together, bonding & learning to trust & appreciate each other. Their final moment in the story was their first kiss! (I can send a snippet if you’d like?)

I turned 19 last year (so, a bit younger than you I suppose :)) It’s been good, getting offline. It’s given me more time to do other things; learn gardening from an elderly relative, do some singing (on my own lol), spend time with my family, learn about things that interest me.

Anyway. Hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself, and you can find ways to make life easier, whatever those ways are. 

I understand about the streaming service thing. My family usually just watch cheap second hand DVDs (charity shop sells 20 DVDs for £1!), and occasionally use the cheaper version of Netflix (with ads). I use Internet Archive (archive.org) for books and films (manly older, lesser known films), it’s free, so that’s a good option. 

And totally, get away from Instagram & TikTok! If you think you’d be happier without it, drop it! People online can be really nasty. I quit looking at Reddit, & basically all comments, last year after I suffered a deep depression (due to peoples’ extremely nasty comments toward a part of lgbt that I identify with) Doing a lot better now. 

IDK, and it’s not my business, but hope something works for you. The best people, the ones worth knowing, are those who appreciate character and kindness over consumerist beauty ideals (I say consumerist cause it’s in my belief that we’re pretty well brainwashed to think “perfect looking” people look good; a way of getting people to keep buying makeup they don’t need and the latest fashions)

Ahh, hope this isn’t too much, I write fast and am only basing this all off a couple posts I saw you made, so I’m real sorry if it’s too much! I’ve got a ton of spare time today so I’m just rambling. 

I can’t be coming back to online socialising like I used to, as it took up so much of my limited spare time last year, so this is a rarity, just to say hello. Hugs 🫂 

💝anon

i literally cried seeing it was you— i was noshing on a gyro, crying alone in the kitchen. I have hereditary depression, so it won't get better. It'll always be there. It's just worse than normal lately. Hoping it'll calm down, I wrote and edited some of my book today.

This is like writing a lovely old pen pal, ah, it's nearly therapeutic. I think of you often. I'm nearing tears as i write this because something about talking to you has felt so homeward bound. I love archive, that's how I watched the clash movie, Rude Boy! I have some unread books I wish to finish, one is kafka and the other is khalil gibran. You should see the khalil gibran book, it has such an ornate cover.

I adopted a cat since we've last spoken, she was beside my neighbours house during a storm. I had been taking out my dog and heard her meowing. When i approached her, she immediately came to me. Oh, her name is Laila, she's a tortoise shell.

I definitely have to agree, we are brainwashed constantly to see aging as a sign of lost beauty. Similarly, we are taught that our bodies are never enough because whatever the trend is— it isn't for a girl with an hourglass body. I told my mother the other night, through lots of tears i have never truly loved myself. I mean, around puberty is when confidence develops, at least in my opinion. I got bullied for my body developing into what it now is. So, you can imagine what eating disorder shit i go through because of it. Only fueled by my mother also having a fucked up perception of body-image as well. I am trying my best to understand that my value is an independent variable from the weight on a scale.

Please send me all the writing you wish to, I remember loving your writing. I started publishing my book, but it's completely different. I had to change everything; it was going nowhere. I couldn't get a plot to stitch together. I was nearly at the point of deleting it. Then, out of the blue, I woke up after some dream and was like— "what if I used tamino as a faceclaim? What if x, y, z?". Soooo, i ended up experimenting with it and i actually followed through on replacing nick (i want to implement him in the new book tbh, i miss him). Ah, i hope you find the time to read the chapters I have published... that is if you want to read them, truly there is no pressure there. Again though; please send me your work.

[lostacelonnie]

It sure is the new year & somehow im still tired and way busier than i would like. So uh. Sorry this took me a bit to get to. The first time i read your response i thought you'd said you were watching bocchi which confused me because you had already. But im glad you are enjoying bofuri. She's such a chaotic disaster character. Ohh i think i feel you on that my brother in law & i have like. Opposing autism vibes & coexisting with him when we share apace is exhausting. I hope school is going well for you! Yeah like. Honestly sometimes ill chat with people at a theater but mostly just. Please do not. Im just there for a film. Love the communal effort to just. Understand your teacher what a time that must be. My parents did teach to cook a bit. I learned spaghetti & a basic taco recipe from them. But i learned a lot from there so i had a bit of a spring board to go off. I hope you have a fun time learning to cook stuff i enjoy it immensely. Even with all the dishes it can make. Honestly schools are just. Weird if anything. Liminal space adjacent but in a way neither good or bad. Im sad i missed getting to pull her i want ruan mei but due to bad storms my internet was out, which also contributed to late response, for the last days of her banner. So i have to save for her re run. I am so normal about her & stelle(lying). I finally finished the argenti quest but had to level & gear himeko & welt. Got kafka on my console account from her banner & it gave me e1 bailu when i hoped for clara. Ohh so its like a character growth/change type thing. As the story progresses & they change they gain new herscherr forms. I think if my understanding is right. Or right as it can be for something not fully explained? I miss manaria & the gang already. Can only tide myself over with other villainess shows til it returns. Or i read more. Dungeon meshi at least has an airing anime adaptation now which means i can see my favorite fail girl marcille in animation. I will remember that & look to the community for help as needed if i pick noita up thank you for the tip. I too want himeko to be fine & alive so i sympathize with the hi3 fans. I dont remember if she's getting off on penacony or not if thats been said. But penacony definitely has some characters i want. Oh okay damn i always wondered about her floating. So thats one mystery solved. Wait seele has just. Basically a good dog aura? Oh so kiana mei & bronya have the most extensive lore? What about uh. Durandal? I feel like ive seen that particular polish phrase before whats it mean?

HI HELLO its been 20 years which im SO FUCKING SORRY about...... my life has decided to just Not give me a break recently. and understandable akdfkgjksj i should really continue watching it but ah.... so busy. and Tired all the time. actually got to skip school today bc i was so sleep deprived i thought i was sick but then i slept for another 4 hours and i feel so much better now. should be studying [have 8 exams coming up until the end of february.......] but i also Need to chill for a bit. agghhh. and oh understandable!! it really is just like that sometimes. school, as i said, is. psychologically torturing me but im actually not in that much pain so yeah!! and thanks also. i hope my teachers let us catch a break soon. at least ive recently picked up baking to destress so at least im not about to become the joker. and REAL LIKE i also dont mind talking with people in public places from time to time but i usually just wanna mind my own business. and yeah its SO funny but also im surprised how nice all my classmates are about helping others. like. if we had to cooperate to create a message with my old classmates everyone would just instantly start making fun of each other for not knowing something. OOOH COOL....... when i have more time i should learn to make some spanish dishes. went to gran canaria with my mom recently and god ive missed their cuisine SO much. god yeah schools are like another dimension to me ngl. they work based on different rules then the rest of the world. AND AUUGHGH PAIN...... good luck with getting her on future reruns tho!!! same with being Totally Normal. and hey congrats on all that!!! i also ended up doing argentis quest and luckily didnt have time with fighting him thanks to clara who makes it extremely easy. generally shes always carrying me. finally got to trailblaze lvl 65 and i only have my clara team at lvl 80 rn so i should probs work on kafka etc but i hate grinding mats...... hell on earth. oh well. and yeah more or less!!! tho it also depends on the person and circumstances, as some people will get new authorities, some will kind of. get closer to their current one? and some people might even give up their herrscher authorities with time. but yeah honkai loves to retcon itself so its kinda blurry sometimes. I MISS EVERYONE TOOOOOO and i started watching reborn as a villainess some time ago but ah. didnt have time to continue. i ALSO started watching dunmesh and ALSO didnt have time to catch up with it but im SO excited for it bc ive only watched 3 eps but love it already. if you ever Do pick up the game then good luck!! its as brutal as it is fun to play. himeko protection squad forever....... i should finish penacony when i get the time and motivation. wasnt too interested in any chars at first but acheron stole my heart....... so would sparkle if she wasnt so Racist for no reason. yes seele Does have a good doggy aura SHDKFJKS even The Great Herrscher Of Sentience cant say no to her. shes so sweet and i love her. and yeah basically!!!! since theyre effectively all the protags, even if kiana is the "main" one. AND I WILL VERY EXCITEDLY TELL YOU LITERALLY ALL DURANDAL LORE AS I KNOW IT BY HEART BUT ALSO LITERALLY DONT HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN RIGHT NOW SO ILL TRY TO GET THAT DONE BY YOUR NEXT MESSAGE. so well both have time to write our respective stuff. and oh polska gurom is a misspelled version of polska górą [since its pronounced almost the same] which more or less means poland on top. its used ironically most of the time and i LOVE saying it

[krawlernyannyan]

HSR 1-4-24

3x rounds at the DOT/FUP Cavern. Two good-enough pieces from the last round.

12x rounds at the Destruction Calyx. Today's haul got Xueyi an HP Boost to help with her survivability.

After today's Cavern runs I looked over what I had for Relics and I actually have enough lying around to get Kafka and Topaz fitted out with new Relics!

Kafka's moved off the Lightning set onto the DOT set. I had to use up a Resin to get a body piece but thankfully only one. Most of her attack stats got a boost, including her Critical stats, surprisingly. The main drawback is that her EHR took a bit of a hit, plus like 5% from her Break Effect, but the Relic bonuses should outweigh those setbacks.

Topaz is off the Fire set and on the FUP set. All of her core stats are boosted too, though I still want to hunt for something better since most of these Relics' bonuses went to defensive stats. My Topaz has been dying a lot lately so I'm not complaining, but still.

I want to get some Gold and Gears runs in tonight but I've got prior business first, so I'll just reblog the additions later.

Five-Star Fund: 162/180

[aeferkssr]

Im sorry for sending this late, i was very busy, here it is :D

im a 17 year old straight guy, im currently studying laws and rights and i sometimes do volunteer jobs whanever i have free time or its my vacations between university days. Im pretty smart, im kind of creative and a bit of dexterous, i like drawing (if you want you can send me a request and i will try) i also like doing paperwork such as papercrafts and origami, i like reading books, most of them are known writers from either my country such as Jose Maria Arguedas or other countrys such as Dostoevski, Pablo Neruda or Franz kafka, i also love watching movies in the cinema whanever my dad or someone wants to go with me, i love playing videogames, one of my favourites are Genshin impact and God of war. Personality wise, im pretty reserved and i like things to be well made, im pretty quiet when im in a new enviorement outside of my comfort zone, i find it hard to make new friends but, with the ones i already have im pretty close with them, i usually go out to the cinema with them or play videogames, or even share toughts of daily life, tough, when i dislike someone i really dislike him, i pretty much remember what anything has done to me, in that part i can be quite rancorous.

I love travelling, usually every vacation i have after the volunteer work ends i go visit my grand parents in other city and pretty much live with them in what is left of my vacations, i would like to go to england or United States, i would like to go to any europe country or other continents.

At some points my friends started associating me with a capybara due to how calm and quiet im in new places and how affectionate i can be to them. Idk what else to say but thank you for taking the time to do this match up, even tough you dont do them anymore, have an amazing day or night, and take care of yourself 🙂

HAIII i finally did it!! i did it on a day where i didnt have a lot due this week (only today lol) sooo i hope you enjoy it plus the tiny playlist i made for you :3

matchup link!