#You deserve a full fledged rant

[silver-inked]

For the ask game, what’s your opinion on season 3 of the owl house?

This is a billion years late, but I really liked it.

Episode 1 & 3 are so good, perfect, love them. I felt that Episode 2 focused on plot points I would not have prioritized, but overall very good as well.

[panicataphmausinsanity]

aaron rant

ok this is a rant no one asked for but i just wanna put all of my disorganized thoughts out there about aaron and the man my dude could've become without jesson's horrible execution. my grammar may be off and im not a good analyzer or anything, this is just a rant that i wanna get off my chest.

disclaimer :: i haven't watched MCD and i do plan to, and i'm aware of some things that happen but if you wanna share your opinion on anything id rather anyone would keep the reblogs spoil free

lemme start by saying that i love aaron. i genuinely love his character so damn much but NOT his canon. i love the IDEA of aaron and not his execution. jessica and jason did such a bad job portraying him- dont get me wrong i am not bashing them for the foundation they've laid for most of their wonderful characters it's the portrayal of them that gets me so ENRAGED. all of jess's characters have at least some thing going wrong with them and it's genuinely fucking insane. i don't mean what they go through in the series- as in who they ARE. what the fuck is a kawaii~chan? like god. i think so many characters in the series deserved so SO much more, especially aaron.

starting off with pdh s1 aaron. - i don't necessarily loathe pdh s1 aaron. i mean in here, he seems to have a personality than he ever does in season one of mys which is an upgrade i guess? a main problem imo was how his character always revolved around aphmau. i'm not even gonna choose to comment on the horrid age gap jesson's implemented in aarmau's story. i just hate that aaron himself didn't really have any other friend than aphmau and the fact that after they met, the series just continued to revolve around them.. and not them individually either- them as a relationship.

i think seeing certain instances like how aaron became lily's friend and stuff would've been important because technically, wasn't lily aaron's first friend in pdh? how is that just glossed over considering the fact that aaron pushed everyone who tried to interact with him off his back? isn't it interesting how lily managed to get a hold of him and actually became a friend? i don't understand why that was never shown because while students were scared of the dude because of all the rumors and shit going around, some kids like jeoffery actively reached out to him like we see in the ep where aaron asks aph to prom. he never relented to jfry's attempts to be friends w him and through this a girl like lily managed to be friends with him. i feel like something like this shoudlve been shown. i wouldve also liked to see a stronger reaction to him over lily and ivy's scheme. aaron obviously considered lily a caring friend and when he understood that they were scheming from what i remember, when he saw lily after learning about everything all he did was go "if ur gonna treat aph like this we're better off not being friends" or smt?? i think from what we understand about aaron over the series, emotional connections are obviously something he cherishes very much. so seeing him kinda like- brush the whole thing off and not be lily's friend feels so anticlimactic. idk how to phrase it. i know this was premature aaron and the aaron we know over the series is grown up and everything, but i still do feel like aaron would've had a stronger reaction to the scheme.

prob 2 was how after aaron and aph came to know ab each other being shu n fc, aaron didn't become full fledged friends with like ANYONE other than her. this felt extremely weird to me. we see him go to this dinner sylvanna planned and we see him socially thriving there- him cracking jokes and everyone having a fun time around him, travis and garroth wheezing over his jokes- how did this dude not become friends with them? i feel like they (garroth & travis) would've talked to aaron more and become more than acquaintances w him. a lil bonding thing if you get me?? mainly garroth. it's just weird that garroth never became a friend of aaron's imo. they were put in situations where they could've easily become friends. i know that garroth was jealous about aaron coming outta nowhere and swooping aph off of her feet, but he clearly got over it (during the time of s1 anyway, after that he went batshit crazy). they must've had one on one interactions during the dinner or prom right??????/ like come on. it's just weird!! this brings me to the fact that i literally don't see aaron making proper friends other than aph until fcu. like- aph is his only friend ever ykwim?? i feel like im phrasing this in such a dumb way- but it's just frustrating to see his entire social life just being- aph for a while. i just think garroth and aaron could have become friends as well, maybe even travis. and during prom, maybe even kaitlyn. we see aaron also being pretty mature and giving actual, promising advice to aph during the music room scenes. from this i feel like at some point aaron could have also comforted kaitlyn and maybe a friendship could've bloomed out of this??? this thought's just been sitting in my mind. aaron COULD have had a friend other than just aph. it just feels like his whole world revolves around aph and aph only until his family issues and the ultima bullshit comes around.

now in mystr s1, aaron is so FUCKING BLAND AND STALE AND UUUGHGHHHHHHH its actually so fuckin funny because mystreet season one aaron is relatively decent compared to his other versions *cough s5 cough. i actually do like s1 aaron's character. he's the epitome of chill- laid back, honest, communicative and supportive. he's a great friend to aph during her times of need, and during s1 he's the sanest character on the show.

but that's it. all he was was this friend to aphmau until the dumbass play arc during which they decide to go for something romantic. like his whole identity revolved around walking shirtless, being a chick magnet and a friend to aph. he revolved around aphmau, much like his pdh s1 self and that pisses me off so much!! he had no fucking personality other than being supportive to aph for a while. around the end you see him start to gain *something* similar to a personality, and while it was less than pleasant it was better than whatever the fuck was going on while he was only a friend to aph. it's also disappointing seeing him practically only gain emotions after developing a romantic relationship with aphmau. even during this, his interactions are limited to aph and zane most of the times, and even then he doesn't develop an outward friendship with zane- which would've been fucking amazing!!!! while they do start to bond, it's still like aphmau is the only one keeping them glued together while it would've been real cool for aaron to develop a friendship with zane and interactions w him that doesn't solely have to do with aphmau all the time. the fact that aph's brought him out of his shell is cool, but he's still ONLY friends with aph which is VERY eh. he may be considered friends w zane and stuff, but we only see major bonding stuff going on when it's between aaron and aph, but we don't see it with the other characters. it's jsut weird because everyone's known each other for so long, aaron;s bound to have grown closer w someone at the least- for example, garroth or travis. we've seen the unlikely group form during that one episode- aaron, aph, zane and travis- where they have a stupid lil immature game thing or whatever. i feel like travis and zane and aaron could've collectively bonded and it would've been super cute!! plus aph nudging him and zane to be more social as well- a lil detour to fcu where we see aaron trying his best to get out there and make friends w/ aph's adorable support- he has the perfect opportunity to do it during moments like these but it never becomes more than just what seem like forced interactions. like UGH. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. so. much. potentialll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just gone. poof. a strong friendship between aaron and the ro'maeve brothers wouldve been so fucking ack. sfryquoeuiwhiblforhgubhjfwe. litera;;y/. now i wpuldve loved to see tht1!!!! it's also just so weird that we see a drastic change in aaron's character from fcu to myst, in fcu he's so shy and he's trying his best to be friends w others and he succeeds little by little (we never hear of these friends again but ok.) and then in ms we see him as this super chill dude w hot gains sigma male or whatever and his only friend is aph. he was so much more expressive during fcu and while many events occurred in between, it's just weird seeing him not get out there more during s1 esp considering the fact that he has more freedom to. ill mention this later. anyway-----

one thing i liked to see was aaron break out of his cool character during the spectacle of zanemau, another stupid attempt by jess to get another boy to get infatuated with aph which thankfully did not happen.. kind of. id love to see people talk about how zane just heavily depended on aph as an emotional support system and was just afraid aaron would take aph away from him, a feeling of abandonment rising out of his own self loathing yada yada. . while zanemau is a cool ship, this whole thing was jsut extreenmly forced-it was obvious it was just to get another guy to fawn over aph. i hate aph's harem. i'll get off topic if i talk about how every single boy within a 50 mile radius of aph falls head over heels in love with her, but anyhoo. i did get off topic.. . . . so aaron breaking his character was like this breath of fresh air for me. when he's in the resto's bathroom, talking to the mirror ab his frustrations ab aph going all flushed and orgasmy over zane bc of the love ption that he wasnt aware of and how he should stop whats going on bc of zianna (fucking hate her ass), he seemed like an actual person lmao. i love that scene alot because he wasn't just this cool chill flirt(for aph), his feelings finally poured out in some way. it made him a full fledged character (for a little..). then garroth came in and talked to him and whatbnit (another wasted opportunity to grow closer maybe??????? idk) and they went back to the table . i havent talked ab how much i loathe this whole zuzu aph arc though like oh my god it mustve been incredibly uncomfortable for aph and aaron sitting through all that. i hate zianna so much and it was also mega annoying of vylad and the brothers to drag them into this bc he couldnt say no to his mommy. it was genuinely weird and so many things in the show are brushed off as comedic relief- things borderline crazy and worthy of restraining orders and jail. literally. literal kids watch these and may think it's normal bhvr when it isnt. but anyway.

i know that mystreet s1 was a spin off of mcd that just blew up and multiplied into other seasons and as it doubled prequels like pdh and fcu came to life. im very much aware of the fact that jess just developed the characters in their modern steads as the story progressed because it wasnt done something beforehand- mystreet happened to be a happy accident and jess didn't plan the characters out beforehand, including the plot (horribly evident from the shit that started from s4). they developed as characters in stages as the stories went on and that's just painfully obvious, especially when we watch the series in the timeline jess posted it. we see how aaron goes from the stoic chill hot sigma male to this uwu boy personality, which was what jess wanted him as in the end ig? it's obviously very weird though. imo, my opinion, she shouldve kept aaron's laid back personality. through this we could see him gradually grow and insert himself into aph's friend grp as well. we see that happen during s2 and s3 of ms, where he does progress in terms of social interactions- hes seen to be cracking jokes outwardly, he even has his own lil comedic relief spiels, becomes good buds with dante and stuff (which went just as it came from what i remember :[[[) and in s3 he becomes much cooler and is more involved within the friend group. he also seemed to be like this in pdh, like during the dinner as i mentioned before.

during fcu, this just. changes. his character is very... emotional? i dont really know how to put it. it's out of character. he's incredibly shy and relies on aph as a social plug. while in pdh he seemed to be less awkward w social interactions, aaron was 100x times more awkward during fcu. he seemed overly sensitive, and at moments its like he needed to be coddled. i did love it when aph helped him grow more socially, but we see that in ms 1 he has no friends. he's like this hot lone wolf (..), a drastic contrast to what he wanted to be in fcu imo (i believe this because derek was off his back now and he had the freedom to do have more friends and emotional connections like these is what he desperately craved- it's something so evident.) he wanted to have more friends and be more social. while this does happen in fcu, in ms1 we don't really see the results coming into place. like he becomes much more bold- in fcu he used to flush and blush at just hearing aph's heartbeat and in ms1, that one instance where aaron gets picked to play romeo and aph is like "you do realise we gotta kiss?" he just goes "yeah." in the most casual way ever- like it's just another tuesday for him or somethin. it's just a weird ass change. his character fluctuates when we watch the show in the chronological order and it's jsut so out of place and while i know it's no fault to jess ( i mean it is but part of it is justified ) it's still incredibly weird. jess could have prevented this by just keeping him as the character she initially started with.

and his last form- season 5. starlight. god fuck- this aaron was such a fucking baby. if fcu aaron wanted to be coddled, starlight aaron straight up wanted milk from aph's bosoms. he becomes this uwu soft boi- and considering all of the events that unfolded, it's still weird. yes, many things happened during their time at the lodge but it's just so fucking weird!!!!! i don't even know what to make of it. i just hated his character in s5. he stuttered every 3 fucking seconds. jason voice acted him so bad like oh my god im so sorry but it was literally unbearable. rewatching starlight was fucking horrifying. the stupid ass dips in the voice- god fuck!!! im so sorry its just what i think but i really hated how jason voice acted aaron during s5. i liked the fact that he was more expressive but he just changed completely- and i liked the small part where he felt like everyone wanted him to be something different now that he was out as a werewolf, but he really did fucking change and it did not feel like he was aaron at all. it felt like seeing a 12 year old find out about age regression and implement it onto a character like aaron's. it felt childish and just weird. jess couldve done way better with aaron during s5.

this shit was long and i feel liek i still have a lot more to say and when i rememebr ill jsut edit it on. no ones probably gonna reach the end of this but if you did, idk how u got so much time reading all this but i lpve you

( i love this picture so much <3 )

[nangbaby]

Yes, this another rant about Chloe and the leaks and spoilers. If you don't want to see this, bow out now.

Obligatory spoiler buffer gif for those on mobile and those who mis-clicked. Final warning.

Anyway, I am still shocked at how horribly the writers dropped the ball for the last couple of seasons with Chloe, Lila, and several others these last two seasons.

I am not a "Chloe stan" and I firmly believe she is a brat who never deserved a Miraculous. Ladybug in the Season 3 finale was 100% right to take the Bee Miraculous away from her. While I was expecting an eventual redemption, I would have no problem if Chloe had naturally descended into being a full-fledged antagonist.

That said, the writers instead fundamentally changed Chloe's character in order to make her to be a straw antagonist instead of working from a natural character evolution. They glued an idiot ball into her hands, flattened her to the point where she considered herself evil and nasty, then gave her a last-minute alliance with Lila to make up for lost time.

If the end goals were to get Chloe out of town, Chloe and Lila exposed, and put Lila in a position where she held all the cards, there was a better way of doing it then the way the writers chose.

Let's go back to the end of Season 3, where Chloe is stripped of the Bee Miraculous, her parents have recommitted themselves to each other, and she can't even escape from Paris to hide from what she did. If Chloe feels no remorse for allying with Hawk Moth, there's no reason from an in-character standpoint why Chloe doesn't expose the other superheroes. Blasting their identities is the only thing she can do and since she can no longer be Queen Bee, she would be naturally vindictive enough to ruin being a superhero for everyone else, even if it meant exposing herself as a willing minion of Hawk Moth. In her mind, she would have nothing to lose.

The obvious reason why Chloe doesn't reveal everyone's identities is purely because Rena Rouge and the other heroes need to be active so they can be called upon in the future. Between merchandising and plot, Chloe isn't allowed to pull the plug on superheroes' careers. So, why not prevent her from doing so? Have her try to expose the heroes...only to be stopped by Lila at the beginning of the Season 4.

Having the Lila/Chloe alliance begin earlier does a few important things for the plot. It provides a reason for Chloe to not only get worse (as well as widen the rift between her and Sabrina), but also get worse in a more relevant direction. It would also further establish Lila being Gabriel's ears and could amp up the tension. With Lila in possession of the other superhero identities, this makes her a completely hidden threat, one neither Ladybug nor even Shadow Moth/Monarch could fully account for. Lila could clearly be playing a long game and influencing Chloe to do the same. Chloe inevitably would progress to more evil acts as the series goes on, but it would be result of convergent character evolution with Lila, not her being passively stupid and getting a personality reset. This would also spread out Lila's influence over two seasons instead of making her nearly-invisible for Season 4.

As a result, if Chloe is separated from Lila and no longer in Paris as in her final fate, this brings a slight bit of hope for her to change off-screen. She might still be cruelly obsessed as she is now, but the idea of being away from the influence of a bad friend (Lila) might make her re-evaluate her actions.

But, speaking of Chloe's exit, the other characters surrounding it are also in awful places. Andre Bourgeois abandons Chloe to her mother (who also goes away) and takes in Zoe. This messy conclusion is because Zoe can't be in Paris without some parental supervision, although this is a problem of making Zoe a half-sister and not a cousin (which would mean she'd have an off-screen aunt and uncle who she could stay with, as well as new characters who could take over the hotel in the case Andre left town). However, again, this is completely at odds with the end of Season 3, where Andre and Audrey had reconnected. It was heavily implied they would be co-parenting with a lot more unity, but Season 4 had Audrey regress into walking over her husband again to re-establish her as a "bad parent." How much more drama could have been milked if both Andre and Audrey genuinely tried to turn over a new leaf in terms of setting limits and being better role models for Chloe...only for her to slip away because their efforts came too late.

Again, since Zoe has been made into a half-sister and she has to stay in Paris due to being Vesperia, why not instead give her a reason to stay in town independently of her family -- especially since she never felt like she would fit in with them anyway? As Zoe is an aspiring actress and Lila is a model and the face of the Gabriel brand, the two could have crossed paths and even had a one-episode rivalry over a role. Thus, there might be a path to sponsorship for Zoe to stay in Paris...but even with a bona fide reason as her career takes off, she'd still be a minor so she can't "live" by herself. Since they wrote out Luka anyway, have Anarka take her in if Zoe just needs a place to stay (Zoe's at that houseboat half the time and this saves resources.). This way, Andre and Audrey, in the spirit of being parents would both leave with Chloe at the end of Season 5, and while Zoe would want to go with her family, too, she'd have an excuse to be part of the Paris crew. Yes, it would still be contrived, but it would be done in a way to give some hope and closure for Chloe instead of "punishing" her, while allowing Zoe to craft her own identity.

Zoe remaining behind in Paris without any biological or extended family would also make her a much clear foil for Lila. Whereas Zoe comes out of nowhere, has family issues, but then finds new family through her friends and makes her own role through genuine friendship, Lila comes out of nowhere, makes her own family issues, and makes her own role through scheming. One would still end up at roughly the same place as the scripts, but this would be done through character development and not plot-based writing that shoehorns everyone into awful roles that don't fit.

[prism-empurress]

you guys actually wanna see a fat character? this is an old pic, and I'd use the pic I won in an art raffle but idk if the artist is on tumblr so I'm using what I drew as a reference. Don't worry, I don't draw wings like this anymore. or eyes like that.

...I'm probably gonna get bullied for that picture but you know what. Look at her belly, it's--it's meant to be sticking out. It's not...conveyed very well but the point is... Empurress is canonically fat.

"oouhuhuhuhuhh fatphobia doesn't exiiiist" yes it fucking does, open your eyes??? listen to what fat people say???

the point is, fat people exist, ergo fat characters exist.

Being fat isn't BAD. You're not gonna die horribly if you are. It's just how people are built. Some people CAN control it, but a majority cannot, like how people have red hair or green eyes.

If fat people genuinely upset you so much that you need to go on a full fledged hate filled rant on how obesity is the end of the world...stop and breathe. And I don't wanna hear anything about "My 600 lb life", those people deserve love and compassion too.

Just...listen to what fat people face every day, okay? Then you'd know why we complain about certain things.

[helliontherapscallion]

Anon who’s dog had a seizure. I wanted to be able to give a positive update, but I won’t be able to. I was woken up by a call at around 1:30am from my mom and the first thing she said was “[my dogs name] died”

I don’t know all the details, I was in a full fledge panic attack and was overcome with despair when it was either explained to me or I overheard (frankly, I don’t remember) but apparently at some point either last night or veryyyyy early this morning my mom let the dog out to use the restroom, and he collapsed again similarly to how he did two days ago. My mom rushed him to the emergency vet (a thirty minute drive) but he didn’t even make it there.

I think I was dry heaving at some point because my panic was so bad. I ended up going to the vet with my dad so I could say goodbye (he had before my mom left with the dog) and ngl, going with him did not help in the slightest. My dad has NPD and he kept making the situation about himself and I stg I was ready to throw myself out the car window in the middle of the freeway and walk the rest of the way there OOP—

I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to because of Covid, but we were allowed to all head into the vet and hold him and give proper goodbyes before they took him to be cremated (they have a partnership with some place that does all that jazz). It was rough. He’s a small dog, only 18 pounds, but just holding him felt so different. There was no resistance when I picked him up (I’m not his favorite person lol, so he’d always deadpan and shuffle away a little from me before giving in whenever i’d make grabby hands hahaha) and it was just rough.

A year and a half ago my old bird passed away in that same emergency vet, so I just felt like I was suffocating the whole time. It was basically history repeating itself and I had a ✨mental breakdown✨ while cradling the pooch. My mom almost had to drag me out 2.5 hours later because I didn’t want to leave him. I tried to be strong, he was her dog in the end and they had an unbreakable bond. I should’ve been the one comforting her, not the other way around. I totally failed lol.

Thank god I was able to go home with my mom and not my dad. I wanted to be the one to drive home so she could rest, but I didn’t have the energy to protest when I saw she was already in the drivers seat.

We’ve had him since he was a few months old. I was in first grade at the time, and despite us having a very rocky start (young me didn’t like all the attention he received bc it used to be mine) he was my lil buddy and I would have done anything for him. I was looking forward to taking my senior and graduation pictures with him soon, but it seems like that won’t be happening. I just wish I did more with him.

Sorry for rambling and being so depressing! I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past two nights so I’m really out of it.

If it’s not too much to ask for, could I have a part ii of my previous request but have it involving what I wrote above? Asdfghjkl my depressed ass needs comfort and all of my friends are in school LOL. (Thank god I was called off from school this time) Plus, I don’t wanna make my mom feel worse by adding my grief on top of her own (I hope that made sense)

Part 1

(A/N): anon, I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. From what you sent me about him, he sounded like an absolute delight to be around and a very good boy. You deserve to grieve too, even if you don’t think you should. Grieving is healthy and it’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Everyone grieves differently, so maybe you and your mom could reminisce on the good times with him? Only if you both feel comfortable doing so of course. Please get some sleep, drink plenty of water, and eat some food if you haven’t already. My DMs are always open if you ever want to talk <3

Warnings: death of a dog and bird (mentioned), panic attacks, NPD parent mention

You were jolted awake by a loud ring from your phone laying on your nightstand. It was the ringtone you specifically set for your mom. Blinking deliriously, you answered with a raspy, “mom?”

You were only met with her choked sobs on the other end. This woke you up completely as you turned on a lamp and sat up fully in your bed, “mom what’s wrong?”

“(Dog name)...” She was unable to say your dog's name before she broke into more harsh sobbing. Worry and fear pricked your gut at the mention of your dog’s name. “What about (dog name)? What’s going on?”

“He d-died, (y/n). He isn’t suffering anymore.” You felt as if ice cold water was poured onto you as you sat staring at the wall in shock. Faintly you heard your mom telling you how it happened, but you didn’t register her words. The words that came out of your mother’s mouth were nearly incomprehensible anyways due to her distress. You didn’t know when she hung up, but the next time you looked at the phone screen your homescreen met you: a picture of you, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy at an amusement park. 

Your panic attack had escalated to you dry heaving over the toilet after puking up your dinner. You felt like you were suffocating as you remembered the techniques Techno used a few days prior. You stumbled up from a crouch and scrambled over to the sink. Your hands could barely grab the faucet and turn it on as you lost most of your sense of spatial awareness and everything you touched felt distant, like every single synapse in your body was both simultaneously working in overdrive and failing at the same time. The water was as cold as it was going to get, so you plunged your hands into the liquid and felt your body jolt at the temperature. After a while, your hands turned numb after regaining some senses back so you shakily cupped your hands under the faucet and gathered water into your hands. You splashed it at your face and felt yourself becoming more grounded as time passed.

By the time you left the bathroom, your dad gathered you into the car and started to drive you to the emergency vet. The entire time he was ranting about how you needed to pull yourself together because the dog was closer to him than to you. That definitely did not help in any way, it made you want to jump out of the car and walk the rest of the way to the vet. It would be better than having someone constantly belittling you for grieving. The ride was hell, but you persevered for (dog name). You needed to say goodbye to him.

When you left the car and walked into the building, it felt as if you were walking through the nine rings of hell with blazing infernos licking at your skin with every step. Dread and despair filled and overwhelmed you with every step. 

When a nurse escorted you to the room, she offered you her condolences and left you to say goodbye. With wide eyes, you slowly walked over to your mom and saw the motionless bundle of fur in her hands. It looked like he was sleeping, but you knew better. She looked at you with so much heartbreak and sadness as tears slipped down her cheeks that you remembered that he was her dog in the end and they’ve always had an unbreakable bond. You needed to be strong for her.

Your stony facade broke the second your mom handed you (dog name). He was cold and stiff as he laid unmoving in your arms, not even trying to wiggle out of your embrace like he always did. You were never his favorite person. He felt so… different. So wrong. 

Time passed around you as you held him and cried into his fur. This situation was very similar to your previous one that happened about a year and a half ago when your bird passed away and that was what finally sent you over the edge. Before you knew it, your mom was dragging you out of the building so he could get cremated. Your dad had long since gone home so he could get ready for work, so that left you to ride home with your mom. Not that you were complaining, it was certainly better than riding home with your dad. You just wished that you could drive so she could get some rest. 

By time you got home, it was about the same time you would leave for school. As you were driving down your neighborhood, you saw a very familiar car pass you. It was Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy’s car. They were probably going to school. You kept your head down and stared intensely at your tightly clasped hands. 

The second the car was in park in your driveway, you made a beeline for your room. For the rest of the day, you hid underneath your covers and ignored the incessant buzzing of your phone on the nightstand. You spent that time alone having a panic attack. This was your longest and most intense one yet, by the time it finally calmed down it was 10:30 at night. 

You smacked your dry lips together and feel absolutely drained. The buzzing still wouldn’t let up, so you reached out with a shaky hand and opened your phone. You had at least eighty combined missed texts from Wilbur, Tommy, and Techno. 

Tuesday, Innit?

Yo, the fuck’s goin on? 

Why the hell did you ignore us when we passed you???

Music man take me by the hand lead me to the land

Ignore that dumbass

What’s going on? You weren’t at school today

(Y/n)?

Technology Sword

You don’t have to tell us what happened if you’re not comfortable

Just tell us if you’re okay

That was only the start of the messages in the group chat. Granted it was mostly Tommy spamming your name and Wilbur and Techno trying to get him to chill out, but some of the messages managed to calm the swirling panic inside of you slightly. Your phone buzzed as you got another text. This time, it was an individual one from Technoblade.

Technology Sword

Look out your window, grab your notebook

You raised your eyebrows slightly as you read the message. Your window was right across from Technoblade’s, so when you saw Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” music video and showed it to Techno, you both decided that this would be your primary communication before you eventually got phones. It wasted a ton of paper, but you both felt like the main characters in a story so you kept doing it. You hadn’t done this since you got your phone and he got his. 

After you grabbed your spare notebook and a sharpie, you sat up in your bed and turned on your lamp. When you opened your curtains, you saw Techno smiling at you before he grabbed his notebook and wrote ‘hello’. 

You uncapped your marker, wrote ‘hi’, and shakily raised it to him. You saw him frown at your shakiness, he wrote ‘you okay?’

You stared at your paper for a bit contemplating whether or not you should tell him the truth. It was no use in lying to him, he knew you better than you knew yourself. After a moment, you wrote ‘no’.

You watched as he frowned and his eyebrows crinkled together in an upwards slant. ‘Discord?’

‘Sure’

You closed your curtains once more and opened up your PC. You could already see that Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy were in a separate voice channel. When you joined, you were startled by Tommy’s loud screaming and Wilbur’s hysterical laughter. 

“WILBUR YOU PRICK WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT I WORKED SO HARD GETTING THAT NETHERITE!” 

They were interrupted by a knock on Tommy’s door, “Tommy for the love of god it’s almost eleven at night kiddo. You can keep playing but please just keep it down.”

“SORRY DADZA!”

“Good job dumbass,” Wilbur chuckled.

“Hey (y/n), how’re you?” Techno’s somewhat pointed voice interrupted them. “(Y/N)! Please tell Wilbur that it’s not cool to borrow my armor and ‘accidentally’ fall into a lava lake.”

“It was an accident I swear!” Wilbur’s slight chuckle told you otherwise. “Wilbur,” your croaky and wobbly voice scolded him quietly, “not cool.”

The voice channel went silent as you logged into your shared minecraft server. You immediately spawned in the main lobby at spawn that you built the last time you logged in. You got to work gathering wood for walls you were going to build around the city. You saw Techno’s character run to you and help you gather wood. 

“...You good, (y/n)?” Tommy’s voice took on an uncharacteristic level of gentleness and concern. 

“‘M fine.” 

After a while of silence, you heard keyboards start to click again. Gradually conversation started back up and everything felt lighthearted once more. Though, you only talked when you were prompted to. After gathering the correct amount of wood, you and Techno went back to your house so you could craft some slabs. However as you approached the crafting table, you passed your bed. Next to your bed was your pet dog, barking slightly and looking at you with it’s pixel eyes. 

You could feel tears well up in your eyes at the sight of the pixelated dog. With a lump forming in your throat you struggled to breathe through it, your breaths coming out shuttering. You made quick work of muting yourself on Discord and started sobbing, the white dog staring at you sitting on top of your minecraft bed. This wasn’t a panic attack, you knew that. But you still felt overcome by a massive wave of grief. 

After a bit, you saw Techno’s character pop in front of you and start hitting the air. In chat, you saw that he private messaged you ‘vc 2’

You clicked off the main voice chat and was immediately greeted by Techno’s gentle voice. “What’s goin on buddy?” He was only met with your sobs, “deep breaths.”

“I’m not having a panic attack.”

“Still, deep breaths are good. Follow me.” With that, you two worked on getting your breathing back to normal and your tears slowly stopped. The entire time he was giving you praise and gentle reassurances whenever you tried to apologize to him. By the time you stopped crying you felt almost completely drained. 

“You okay now?” You hummed in confirmation, too tired to say anything. “Thank you Tech, I-I’m sorry-”

“Stop apologizing for feeling emotions. They’re one hundred percent valid… Do you feel comfortable telling me what happened?”

“I…” You trailed off as you couldn’t bring yourself to say the words out loud. “You don’t have to tell me, ya know.” Technoblade gently reminded you.

“I’ll PM it to you.” With that, you PMed him on minecraft explaining that your dog died this morning. “Fuck, I’m so sorry (y/n). I’m sure he isn’t suffering anymore. Did- did they ever find out what caused the seizures?”

“No, but… he had tons of health issues that I’m glad he doesn’t have to deal with anymore.” 

“Do you wanna talk about the good times with him with Wil and Tommy? If you don’t want to we can just talk about them here.”

“Let’s rejoin the main voice channel.”

“Hey (y/n), how’re you doing?” Wilbur gently asked you. “I’m alright, do- do you guys know what happened?” They both said yes. Technoblade must’ve told them what was happening.

“(Y/n) come outside. We built something for you.” Tommy was uncharastically gentle. 

When you moved to go outside of your minecraft house and Wilbur and Tommy led you to an empty spot in the city you four were building, you stopped in your tracks. In front of you built in various types of stone was a dog statue. In front of it stood a sign that read ‘in loving memory of (dog name)’.

“We aren’t done with it, but we can finish it in a couple of hours,” Wilbur mumbled into the microphone. 

“No, it’s perfect as it is. I don’t know what to say guys…”

“You don’t have to say anything, just know that we’re here for you.” Tommy said, his minecraft character walking over to your own and hitting you. 

“Oi, don’t hit them!” Techno punched him back and that started an all out brawl between the two. It quickly ended when Techno pulled out his fully enchanted netherite sword named ‘Orphan Obliterator’. 

“Get fucked, nerd.” You could just tell Tommy was holding in screaming at his brother. “I’m not the nerd here, you’re the one that reads for fun.” Tommy retorted. You heard shuffling on Techno’s end and him walking away from his PC. You were about to ask what was happening before you heard Tommy silently scream in terror. “Oh fuck he’s coming!” You assumed that Tommy ran to lock his door. Not long after that you heard a knock, “I just wanna talk.”

“No! You-”

“I just wanna talk.”

“Let him talk, Tommy!”

“NO WILBUR.”

You heard Philza’s groggy muffled voice, “it is midnight on a Friday. I don’t care what happens or who fights who, just do it in your own rooms and do it quietly.” 

“Sorry Dad,” you heard Techno’s retreating steps before he returned to his chair. “You’re a douche, Technoblade.” 

“I just wanted to talk, Tommy.” At that, Techno started beating Tommy to death once more. Each time he would kill Tommy, he would give Tommy a small head start before he would find him again. While this was happening, Wilbur PMed you ‘wanna prank Tommy and Techno? I’m thinking we put chickens under their houses’.

You looked at his player and nodded. You and Wilbur got to work luring chickens into holes you dug around their bases and burying them so that they were close enough to hear, but deep enough for it to be mildly inconvenient finding them. After you two were done with that, you met at spawn again.

“Techno stop killing Tommy. We want to tell stories about (dog name).” You saw Techno’s character sprint to your group and Tommy’s come up from a hole in the ground. “I was just about to find him.”

“Thank you! God, I hate it when he does that.”

The rest of the night you four spent reminiscing on the funny things that (dog name) did over the years. At some points you even laughed along with them. After you told them that you wanted to take your senior pictures with him, Techno offered to edit him into your photos. You didn’t know when you passed out but when you woke up, you had a crick in your neck and your PC monitor was off. You could hear three sets of soft snoring on the other end of the call. You felt yourself drifting off to their gentle breathing and smiled slightly; with them, everything felt better. 

[theggning]

Any opinions about Piper?

Oh, I have... a lot of feelings about Piper.

I don't want to just repeat that post, so if you want a general discussion, breakdown of her backstory (and refutation of the worst takes on Tumblr) do see above. But as Piper is in my top 3 favs in this game, I'll try to do some fresh takes over here, or stuff I didn't have room for in the ol' Piper Wright Manifesto.

It's very uncommon to find a fictional female character with the combination of personality traits that Piper has-- bossiness, assertiveness, independence, and determination-- and also have her be competent, good at her job, and depicted positively as an ally, not an antagonist or an obstacle (like an annoyance, or a caricature of a "nosy bitch" to be avoided.) I like that she's kind. I like that she's hopeful, and dedicated to fighting injustice even when the odds are stacked against her. I like that she is so quick to sympathize with synths once she learns the truth about their existences.

Piper is also allowed to be funny, a trait that's surprisingly rare in female characters in general, and especially in the medium of video games. (And realtalk, Courtney Ford deserves a goddamn award for how funny her delivery on Piper's lines is. The little vocalizations, scoffs, voice-changing and such? Absolutely delightful.)

I just find all that really refreshing, and I adore Piper in no small part because she feels like a real person and not like a pile of sexy traits that somebody put together to make a female character.

(The Fallout series is usually pretty good at this, and games in general are getting better than they used to be, but... I've been gaming for a very long time.)

It's not focused on so much in the game (because the companion gameplay allows you to take Piper out of town for untold amounts of time or even assign her to other settlements) but I think it often goes unappreciated that Piper is essentially a single mother to her sister Nat, and has been from a young age. This explains a lot of her independence, and her resourcefulness: she has been responsible for her sister so long that she's had no other choice. A lot of her arc in her affinity conversations comes down to learning to rely on someone else, and feeling the relief that comes with finding someone else she can count on. Piper is strong and independent, but she's also desperately lonely. She's been hurt by friends turning their back on her because they don't understand or trust her commitment to truth, and finding someone who does understand is deeply gratifying for her.

Let's see... I really love that she was designed in the same neo-Noir aesthetic as Nick was, and that the two of them are canonically friends who work together from time to time (he's my favorite character in the game, so of course I would love this fact.) I love her addiction to sugar and cigarettes, and the "rant" versions of articles and letters to the editor that she keeps in private on her terminal. I love all her stories about her near-death experiences, and especially the trivia that she is a full-fledged inducted member of the Children of Atom (on accident, of course.)

Romance-wise, I'm personally content to be Piper's best friend rather than her lover, but I appreciate the level of sass this woman has on the topic of sex and romance. Her flustered bisexual panic about Magnolia is legendary. Some of her idle lines refer to really lame dates she went on where she was brought to spooky dark tunnels. And I would be remiss not to mention the comment she makes about the Brotherhood of Steel, that they "take all the fun out of wearing rivets and leather."

Piper.

In conclusion, she's great and I love her, apocalypse goals, 10/10, would write defensive 6000 word essay again.

[wikipedie]

I am going to add some Heartstopper thoughts, tagged as #heartstopper spoilers as well

First of all, this is one of my...I don't know, I don't want to say favourite only because it doesn't seem fitting, it doesn't seem enough. It's one of my soul shows. I cannot explain it in any other way. I cried when Tara and Darcy kissed at the party, and there were rainbows around them and Nick was looking at them mesmerized and with such yearning and I felt that. I felt the jealousy and yearning of wanting that too. The utter queer joy radiating in that moment and the thought of "is that even possible for me?" (Then I thought about my queer found family). I cannot describe all my emotions and thoughts as I watched that moment honestly but good for them!!

I downright sobbed when Nick came out to his mum. Full on tears, sobbing and wailing, despite having my younger sibling watching with me. (I had to fight myself to stop even for a bit and even now thinking about it makes me tear up. I will have to probably rewatch it by myself or at least in a space where I can feel safe enough to let go completely. And I know it'll never be in parents' home). I can't even talk about it I just liked everything.

I felt like Charlie's anxiety and struggles (not spoiling those who haven't read the comics but if you haven't, I recommend them) were portrayed extremely realistic and in subtle ways. I really really love how they dealt with that.

One of the thoughts that striked me as I was watching Nick confessing how much he likes Charlie, and how he would just randomly say "I like you so much!" and Charlie would remain dumbfounded is Good for him!!! He really deserves that, he really really fucking does, especially after all the bullshit with Ben. And gay boys and queer people deserve to be told "I like you so so much! You aren't a burden to me, you make my life better!"

Tara and Darcy. I have no words, quite literally all my words in my head are "fuck I can't believe this show is only 8 episodes long and they gave us so much!" True, I remained Quite A Bit ...not up to date to the comics, but I don't remember having this much background about them initially and I am just so glad that they showed more. That they're fully fledged characters with their own struggles and issues and with their own love and path. I liked to see them rely on each other and help others and they are absolutely delightful. I adore them. I've mentioned before, but their dance scene is the first that made me cry in the show and I stand by the opinion that they have one of the best dance scenes.

Elle, Elle my dear, she was absolutely delightful. I absolutely loved that her being trans wasn't a big deal in the show either. Just mentioned sometimes, and in passing, and her being trans is not the only thing about her. We literally learn she loves apple juice before we even meet her. Just...dear girl, I wish she could confess her feelings for Tao. I was so soft looking at her trying to get the words out but letting the fear get better of her. And also the way the stars reflected in her glasses as she was looking at Tao as a symbolism for being starry-eyed....Cinematopography *chef's kiss*

Tao. I wanted to hug him. (I mean to be fair I wanted to hug almost everyone). He's such a loyal, loving and dedicated friend, and he's an absolute snark king (I literally loved all of his comebacks) and a dork and just

I adore these kids. I adore Nick and Charlie. There's something almost painfully earnest about them. I simply love them.

And and and I am so proud of them. I am so proud of Charlie for standing up to Ben and telling him that Ben's issues are none of Charlie's problems and that Ben should just leave him alone. I am proud of Nick for constantly wanting to get better and learn about himself (and Charlie) and

I just can't, I really love this show to an extent that is barely explainable (despite this rant) and I just want to hug it. And to hug the characters. And someone hug me I'll cry again

[oblivions-dawn]

Showing My Process Because I Was Kindly Asked

Rules: When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag 5 people. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!

I know you were already tagged @thequeenofthewinter but I'm tagging you again! c; And thank you @theartofimaginaryfriends for tagging me!! Now I have the daunting task of choosing which story to rant about because I have. Too many. All works-in-progress, some in better places than others . . . I suppose it's only right that I talk about my published story despite it undergoing heavy construction right now, Petrichor!

✑ Inspiration

Petrichor is, obviously, just my long-imagined, finally fulfilling dream of writing a more in-depth version of the Dovahkiin and Serana's journey. I love Serana. There's so much to her character--and yet, there's so much more that's left unsaid about her. After spending years daydreaming of my fanfiction-to-be, I decided that I would pour my soul into her, breathe life into my Dovahkiin and Serana, and fill in the cracks that Bethesda left out for me to fill. What started off as just fun scenes and one-shots is now being converted into the full-fledged fanfiction it deserves to be! And I hope I can continue to do it justice for as long as I'm writing it

✑ Preparation

If I do any kind of preparing at all, it's usually handwritten-in-black-gel-pen ideas in notebooks or typing small reminders regarding plot right at the top or bottom of the page--enough to remind me of what I want to achieve with a character within said chapter and, hopefully, motivate me to do so. Sometimes I'll even put character notes, descriptions of their appearance and/or personalities because taking notes is really helpful for me personally--it sticks a little better to my brain that way.

✑ Art Process

My writing process is probably every fanfiction/published writer's nightmare. I don't keep drafts. If I rewrite something, that original writing is gone for good. If I want to change it back, I write what it once was from memory. Why, why do you torment yourself this way, you ask!? Because I thoroughly believe that having multiple drafts stumps my creativity. I may refer to my original writing when rewriting something, but I do my best to not re-read it entirely. I take snippets that I like and extend them, create something new. Some of my best writing has come from deleting entire paragraphs and rewriting them from memory. Why this works, I don't know; perhaps my mind distorts and warps what was originally there and is able to bend it in ways I couldn't see when it was written there in front of me. Every writer has their weird process and this just happens to be mine. I also am very imaginative--I vividly see the scenes as they occur in my head, like a movie in real time. Sometimes I crawl into a character's skin to know their emotions and thoughts, other times I have to make them talk to me through it. And, to top it off, I write in Word 90% of the time. I'm . . . not sorry. If it's not broke, I'm not switching!

✑ Thoughts

Petrichor has been . . . a journey. For a long time I was happy with the one-shot format as it was, finding time between classes to be a little creative and happy to write something I wanted to write. But now I'm graduated from college and I realised that I need to practise writing full-length novels--and what better way to do that then to do it to my fanfiction? Writing essays has made me rusty and it's time I sharpened my creative fiction pen for the real world. And I hope everyone that reads it enjoys it as much as I have! I fully intend on finishing it, but when that will be I can't say. For now, I'm writing when I can and taking breaks away from it when necessary to make sure that my writing is almost always as good as it can be. c:

[saudade-mayari]

Luuuuna baby! Congrats on 500 followers, you deserve it! 💕 can I request a fluff piece where Kakashi comforts his s/o with playful teasing and kisses after she comes home from being made fun of by her friends? Iykyk lol 😭

Vibrant

❀ warnings: teasing, domestic fluffs

The anticipation you had for the silver-haired shinobi's warm welcome after the tiring and grumpy day was crumpled when you saw no single shadow of him. Maybe he's still in his D-ranked missions with Team seven. You thought while heading in the kitchen for an attempt to make dinner for you and Kakashi, but to your surprise, there's a portion of food placed on the table with a sticky note intended for you.

I hope you had a great day, y/n.

-Kakashi

You immediately rushed to his bedroom, and there you find the silver-haired shinobi wearing his classic navy blue trousers and turtle neck. You smiled at the view of it. The way the moonlight shines by the windows like it's reflecting from his hair looked so magical and serene. Finally feeling your body physically and mentally breaking down, you recklessly snuggled yourself to his body, making him grunt in surprise but finds himself hugging you back. An evident smile and a loud chuckle came out of his lips that you find so alluring, so tempting. Kakashi placed a kiss on your head then his fingerless gloves lifted your chin, making sure he sees a clearer view of your face. "How's your day, love?"

Your relieved look turns back to a grumpy one, remembering the events that had happened during your day. "Bad. Terrible. Appalling."

This time he kissed your lips, gentle but still inviting, while feeling him smile in between. For someone like Kakashi, who's not even used to receive any affection, you still find it surprising how gentle and sublime his caresses could be. You closed your eyes, welcoming the sensation of his soft caress and kisses. "Tell me about it then."

And so you did, you both sit on the bed while he hugged you from behind, resting his chin to your shoulders while you endlessly rant about how horrible your day is, about how your friends made fun of you, and how you find other things offensive. Kakashi chuckled at your various expressions.

The way your eyebrows move, your tone raises and decreases, or how your hands unconsciously swing whenever you talk a lot makes it ten times better for him. He grazed his lips over yours in a ghost kiss, then slightly brushing his lips against yours, and then he quickly pulled away with a giggle, like an excited kid who got a kiss from his crush. “I'm sure they're just comfortable to you. You know them y/n."

You frowned and faced Kakashi. Many thoughts suddenly clouded you. Is it okay to be this petty? He's a full-fledged shinobi. Having stupid and petty rants like this would be irrelevant for a man like Hatake Kakashi.

"You're not thinking that I think you're too sensitive, right y/n?" He said seriously, still hugging you from behind, but his other hand craned your neck, lovingly caressed your jaw, your cheeks, and pinched the tip of your nose.

"I am. That's what you think, Kashi."

He chuckled and went back to kissing your cheek. His fast reflexes shifted a quick peck at your lips and immediately went down. It was as if he's lingering at the sensitive spot between your neck and shoulder. His kisses felt so intoxicating, and Kakashi feels so addicted by the thought of kissing you. It was as if he could do it endlessly, anytime and any moment at all.

"Love, if you think it's too much, then you can talk to them and you’re not sensitive okay.”

You looked away, slightly feeling embarrassed. "What if they say something about me?"

Kakashi kissed you again, this time deeper and intense but the playful smile... or rather a smirk is still evident in his lips.

"They're your friends. They'll understand. They're just so comfortable to you, just like Gai and I, but none of it affected our friendship."

You finally shifted your entire body to him, seeing Kakashi's playful smile turned into a wider grin as you pushed yourself in his lap. You knew there was just something glistening in that mismatched eyes.

"Are you even aware how much of a sweet talker you are..." You answered, placing a gentle kiss on his little beauty mark then up to his lips. Kakashi did not let the chance go; he instead pulled you more closer to him, still chuckling by your embraces, and just the way he giggles a lot whenever he's with you felt so vibrant and soothing.

"My lips could do something even better than that though..."

You pressed yourself harder to him, slightly feeling his semi-hardened shaft. "Really? Show it to me then.."

Kakashi took all his self-control to lightly push you away from the little scenario he had created which made you grunt in annoyance. He chuckled again as he kissed your forehead, down to the tip of your nose, then finally to your lips. So addicting. Like a vice he never wants to get over with.

"I would love to, but I'll reheat your dinner first, then I'll show it after. I could come with you tomorrow so you could talk with your friends, what do you say?" He offered cautiously, thinking that he may change the mood if he mentions the topic.

"You helped a lot already. I love you."

"I love you too."

You smiled and gave him one final kiss before he heads out of the bedroom. Despite being a shinobi, the way those calloused hands caress you feels so gentle and delicate.

And the way he smiled and chuckled back just took out all the negativity you had felt this day. Like a happy pill, definitely a vibrant sun in your life.

Requests for 500 followers event status: CLOSED

Events Masterlist

[ilhoonftw]

I think it's hard to stan btob and not feel superior about it... it amuses/frustrates me to no end to see people squabbling over idols' lipsynced backtracked heavily mr-ed vocals when, like... btob is right there. them and their piles of raw singing in beatcoms, musicals, radio and random interviews n shit, not only music shows (since people will argue those are pitch corrected and edited, ok sure). but btob is hardly ever part of the convo, lol.

and can I rant about how it's somehow a thing to say that technically good vocals are "boring"??? apparently only mediocre breathy singers have "unique vocal colors" smh, way to discredit those who've worked hard at their craft?? the mental gymnastics to argue that certain idols aren't bad vocalists, damn. sorry, I have nowhere else to vent, vocals x kpop is such a loaded topic for me and you just get it lmao

EXACTLY

there's this weird stigma around pointing out 'hey this stage isn't live'. i have perfume concert dvds, they lipsynch 90% of the material due to the style of music, but i don't mind bc their lives are visual shows. if idol lipsynchs, i expect them to put their whole pussy into choreo. at least! but how many idols think looking 😑 on stage makes them look full of charisma 🤔 even when the concept isn't dark or girl crush or bad guy, that's all you get sometimes. it's wild how 1st gen stages were often lipsynched but tide turned with 2nd and early 3rd, mics were On. but now it's back to square zero... idk if it's the fault of people being ready to scrutinize idols who are off-key or choreos getting heavier and heavier... maybe it's the ghost vocals? when i said i want retro concepts, i didn't mean That.....

btob are all what people seem to want... then why they never get the recognition they deserve... that's weird, that's suspicious. changsub did that big musical last year, last empress, with a director that doesn't praise anyone but... not only she casted subie but also praised him. may sound funny but it made me proud of that funky little gremlin. seeing him grow from making raps about pimples to full-fledged Singer... yea

yea... there's always this debate, how good vocalists with supposedly boring tone are less than medicore singers that sound ~unique~. but those unique singers usually strain their voices in order to sound like that.. 2 more years and their throat will give up. i prefer stable vocalists like jinho or eunkwang. it feels like you are swimming in a calm sea, warm blanket all that, pen that writes smoothly. some singers make me feel like i'm trapped in a whirlpool, fighting to breaths and for my life lmao. or singers who have really good technique are less enjoyable than emotional type of singers?? you can have both, sohyang being a good example. immortal song is full of stages where people licherally strain their own voices to win that one stupid prize... kbs edits sound but even then you can still hear the cracks and poorly sustained notes. how many understated stages, barren of high notes didn't win because for some reason people just don't impressed by low notes... what about them, what about baritones... there instances where high notes in songs make sense both stylistically and lyrically (ptg's basquiat) but more often than not, they are just embellishments ... sm used to put random high note highlight in every damn song... and still makes their idols lipsynch lmao

[mae-gi-writes]

Plus One | Kevin Moon (Around The World Collab)

When your boyfriend of eight years suddenly decides to break up with you right before your destined trip for your cousin’s wedding, nothing can cure your broken heart. In a desperate attempt to make you feel better, Kevin states that he will be your plus one.

Genre: little angst, fluff, friends to lovers. 

This fic is part of a collab “Around The World”, featuring different countries x the boyz members. I had the utmost pleasure of working with such an amazing group of talented writers for this project, so please don’t forget to check out their works too! ^^ <3 

This fic is takes place on Mauritius Island. 

Word count: 9k IZ A LONG ONE SO BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUPS

Tagging: @aniyawoos​ @chaoticdeobi​ @moondustaeil​ @juyeonzz​ @atbzkingdom​ @2hyunjae​ @jopping-to-my-kpop @jeongsinkookie @ihearttbz​ @heartyyjeno​ @bahnmi07 @sadlandia​ @itsquxxn​

-----------

Eight years, gone just like that. 

I stare at a spot on my navy blue suitcase, not really focused on what’s before me and more concerned about the memories flickering past  my lids. I can’t help it. Everytime I see luggage, it makes me think of the way I kicked him out of my life. Everytime, a slab of pain will grab my heart between its icy fingers and squeeze it so that I can barely breathe. Everytime, until I feel like I’m drowning inside dark waters without the real desire to swim to the surface. 

My psychiatrist told me that it had been for the better. That it had been an obsessive, unhealthy kind of love in the first place. But was it better now that I couldn’t even feel my heart in the hollow space where it’s supposed to be? 

“Y/N.” 

Still, I remember the messages on his phone, the way his touch would feel strange, eerily hollow for some reason, the way he’d avoid my eyes whenever he’d tell me that he was going out with the guys. I remember smelling his coat and recoiling at the cheap scent of perfume clinging to it like second skin, how he’d constantly tell me how wonderful I was-- too wonderful for him -- and that I should find better, that I didn’t deserve someone like him.

And then, when I’d stumbled into our flat a little earlier than I was meant to -- since my gym class had been cancelled -- and took note of the trail of shoes, followed by a coat, a shirt, a thong, before my ears picked up on the noises echoing from the bedroom doors…

“Y/N?” 

His face when he spotted me, the astounded expression like a dog that had just been caught sneaking into the pantry. And the girl, a prettier woman, a curvy woman, with red lips and with those beautifully deep red wine locks tumbling down her back with the perfect physique that could make any man drool. That girl, who was none other than one of my good friends at work and who had spent most part of the year listening to my rants about him. 

“Y/N!”

“Huh?” My head whips up when I register my name being called out, looking up to see a raven-haired, petite-faced man leaning against the bedroom doorway with raised brows and a concerned expression on his face. 

“Oh, you’re here,” I say, as he crosses the doorway and sits beside me. The bed dips down under his weight as he tilts his head in that knowing manner of his, “daydreaming again?” 

“No,” I mumble, but he sees right through my facade and with a sigh, his arms wrap around my shoulder before pillowing his head against my shoulder. 

“It’s going to be okay,” he murmurs as I allow myself to lean back against him, against his comfort. His lavender scent wraps around me, a little bed of comfort amidst all the pain. 

“I can’t stop thinking about him,” I murmur, tears stinging the corner of my eyes, “it hurts, Kev.” 

He only holds me a little closer, a little tighter.

If there is one person that I can trust more than myself, it’s Kevin Moon. I’ve known Kevin ever since high school, having hung out in the same friend group until we had become partners for an art project. It was only then that we’d become closer, and had been close ever since. With his angular features and almond mono lidded eyes and thin lips that were constantly shaped in a pout, the Korean-born man had moved to Canada when he was young, just like I had a few years ago. He had kept me afloat during my university days, I had comforted him through his first break up. He had been present during my final Fine Arts Photography Exhibition, I was up all night coming up with re-branding concepts for his design project. Overall, Kevin had pretty much been a constant in my life, you get the gist of it.

When he found out that my boyfriend had cheated just a few days before our destined trip to attend my cousin’s wedding -- mind you, I had been sobbing waterfalls and it was a miracle he even understood me through my blubbering mess -- he had half a mind to storm up to the guy and rip his throat out. But he did the most surprising thing; booked a ticket for himself and turned up at my flat on the eve of the departure, stating that he was going to accompany me to that wedding, whether I liked it or not.

My cousin, Emma, was getting married right where home was: Mauritius. The memories I once had of the small island nestled right in the Indian Ocean on the right of Madagascar, was of my grandma’s comforting food, the sea scented air that washed along with the too-white sandy beaches, the multitudes of merchants selling all kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables on the side of the road, and small corner stores that looked like they had come out of a 1960’s movie. People liked to claim that Mauritius was paradise on earth, and in a way, it is.

“Come on,” Kevin had nagged when I shook my head adamantly. He’d wriggled his plane ticket before my nose, “you’re not going to let that loser spoil such a happy event are you? Emma’s waiting for you!” 

In the end, he’d won. Which is why we are here, staying at my cousin, Emma’s, apartment in a village called Moka, located at the foot of a mountain and has an abundance of forestry adorning the sides of the road. It's chilly here, in comparison to the harbourfront, and constantly smells like fresh rain and has a gentle fresh breeze blowing through.

“You know, assholes like him are not worth thinking about,” Kevin says now, his arm a gentle soothing caress up and down my back, “your brain might rot.” 

I can’t help but let out a soft, choked up laugh.

“It’s our first day here, let’s not ruin it by thinking about him, hm?” Kevin continues soothingly and I nod in agreement. He’s right. I’m just wasting time by reliving memories that I should be banishing from my mind. 

“Okay!” he brightens up then, “where shall we go? The sea? The market? Or do you want to go eat?!” 

--------------

The first few days are about meeting up with family and rediscovering Mauritius for what it is. Emma gives me a full-fledged hug the moment I open the door to her house, pressing me close to her with such motherly warmth that it takes everything in me not to break down right then and there. I greet my uncles and engage in small-talk with my aunts, help my grandma out in the kitchen as she continuously asks me why I’ve gotten so thin. While I know the main reason, I decide to smile and spare her the details, as embarrassing as it is. 

No one mentions him, until one of my uncles slips during a conversation with Kevin, “so you’re Y/N’s boyfriend. Such a pleasure to meet you! We’ve heard so much about you that we started thinking she was just making things up.” 

“Er--” Kevin reddens, “I--” 

“So how did you two meet?”

It is at this very instant that my mouth decides to move on its own and I blurt out, “we’re high school friends.” 

“Oh highschool sweethearts! How cute!” 

Kevin doesn’t fail to mention what a mistake I’ve made to lie to my entire family to save face.

“I feel guilty,” he says as we walk out to the car, keys dangling from my wrist. 

I unlock the car, “it’s fine. We’ll be in and out before they know it. They don’t have to know anything.” 

“Hm, sure.” 

After some well-deserved family time, Kevin and I decide to head to the west of the island to catch the sunset, my camera stuffed neatly in the backseat, where Kevin has tossed a few spare towels just in case. We each have donned our swimsuits for the occasion and it doesn’t take an expert to see the excitement thrumming through Kevin’s veins as he sits beside me like an excited child in the passenger seat. 

“I never realized that you guys drive on the left side of the road,” he comments, head whipping back and forth in-between the passage of cars. 

“Yeah, it takes some getting used to, especially if you’re crossing,” it is then that I notice that there is a newly built mall as we turn left at the green light, “hey, that’s new. I’ve never seen this before.” 

“Cas-ca-velle,” he mumbles out with that strong accent of his. He is definitely not one to know French and I’ve been acting as his translator all along, considering that my family speaks French at home, “what does that mean?” 

“Beats me. It’s just a fancy name for a new shopping mall,” I peer into its parking lot, “wanna visit?” 

“Whatever floats your boat, honey. I’m all in.”

The mall is longer than it is wide, with white archways decked with wooden-style roofs that give way to an open-plan exterior. A wide beige cemented pathway occupies the space, with shops lined on either side. 

“I never realized, but you guys are very multicultural,” comments Kevin as we pass by another family of four chattering quickly in a mixture of French and Creole. 

“We’re similar to Canada that way.” 

“Do you miss it here?” 

My eyes glance over at him, notice the soft empathy in his expression.

“I guess I do sometimes,” I say while I kick at a stray pebble, “It’s like homesickness. But in a way I can’t quite explain,” after a moment, I ask, “do you miss Korea?”

“The food, mostly,” he grins bashfully, “my halmeoni makes a killer gamja tang.” 

“Let’s go visit her one day.”

“Is that a promise?” he asks as I shrug, “if you want it to be.” 

It’s a little past six when we drive up to the Flic En Flac beach and as we gather our things, my eyes light up upon falling on a nearby roti stand. I quickly slap Kevin’s arm in my bout of excitement. 

“Ouch! What? What is it?” 

“Kevin, you’re not going to believe this,” I point at the stand in question, “this roti stand? It’s the best roti in Mauritius. Here, take this,” I don’t wait before shoving my bag and camera in his arms, “I’m gonna buy us some. You go and find us a spot on the beach.” 

“But--” 

I don’t wait for him to finish his sentence before taking off, greeting the merchant who is just about to be wrapping up to ask whether I can get two rotis with ‘cari saumon’ (roughly translated into salmon curry mixed with indian spices), local and freshly made. The smell wafts through the folded paper wrappers as I grab them. They smell just like my childhood, where everything had just been as easy as having rotis by the beach without a care about the future that is to come. It’s nostalgic and I can’t help the smile tugging up my mouth at the thought. 

Kevin is already settled atop a pair of spare towels and looks up at the sound of my footsteps approaching. I pass him one of the paper wrappers and he takes a peek, confusion flitting across his face. 

“This smells spicy,” he mutters loudly enough for me to hear, “it looks like naan bread.” 

“It is,” I agree, “except it’s flatter and more like a crepe.” 

Throwing me a hesitant glance, he takes a small bite. I watch his face go from confused to impressed in a few seconds, before his eyes whip up to mine, “woah, this is good.” 

“Told you so.” 

“But this is really, really good,” he can’t help but marvel at it and laughing, I proceed to dig into my own roti, allowing my mouth to be filled with that salty fish taste melting along my tastebuds, the curry spices giving it the nice tangy kick you wouldn’t find anywhere else. The roti is soft and practically melts on my tongue and I can’t help but moan at how good it is. 

“God, this is everything I’ve been looking for my whole life,” I find myself telling him, wrapped up in momentary bliss, “this, this is everything.” 

I can feel his eyes on me, so intense that my own flicker up in question. He drops his gaze the moment I do and I frown, confused. 

“What?” I can’t help but ask, wondering why he suddenly seems so meek, so shy and awkward, “what is it?” 

“Nothing,” he replies like he’s trying to be casual, except that it’s anything but. When he gazes back at me, I notice the warmth in his maroon eyes, more the color of caramel in the dim light from the sunset basking his profile in a golden glow, “I think--I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you so happy, since...” 

He doesn’t need to continue, for I know where this is going. Indeed, this is the first time in many months that I haven’t paid any attention to the hole inside my heart. 

And it feels good.

“Yeah,” I murmur as I watch the sun settle on the ocean’s horizon, fire kissing water, “I don’t know, I just feel like this is nice. Like it’s right.” 

I spare him a glance from the corner of my peripheral and watch him shift. His sleeveless shirt slips, allowing me a glimpse of the naked skin underneath. I quickly look away, slightly embarrassed at the notion of even thinking of him in such a way. 

“That’s how you should be, Y/N,” Kevin murmurs back just as softly. It’s almost like talking too loudly will break the sudden spell that has settled over our shoulders. He takes a sip of his beer before continuing, “you’ve suffered enough for someone who deserves nothing but shit for what he’s done.” 

There’s a small pause as I digest his words. Then, I manage to murmur out, “thanks, Kevin.” 

“No problem.” 

Another small bout of silence ensues, covered up by the sound of the ocean roaring up the sand, distant birds chirping in the fading light of the sunset drowning into the now orange-flecked waters. 

“Hey Y/N.” 

I glance at him. He’s gorgeous, even more so somehow. Maybe it’s the time of the day, maybe it’s the mood, or maybe it’s the way my heart can’t help but be swallowed in gratefulness whenever I look at him.

“What?” I ask.

“Do you know water has memory?” 

I choke on my beer, “do not-- and I mean this-- do not quote Frozen with me.” 

“Huh, I tried.” 

---------------------------

“So, Kevin huh?” 

My eyes shoot up to meet Emma’s in her crusty-dust-filled mirror, presently lounging on her bed and flipping through a book as I had been trying on my bridesmaid gown. Kevin is downstairs, helping out with the barbeque grill with the rest of the family, and it is only now that I get to have some alone time with the woman I consider my sister. 

She’s the only one that knew the exact details of my breakup, and that Kevin is only a mere replacement to cover my humiliated ass. I remember her trying to calm me down when I had called in a frenzy, practically hyperventilating because of the amount of pain that gripped at my heart and was choking me of all air. 

I revert my eyes back to the dress, a baby blue as bright as a summer sky, and smooth my hands down my sides, “he’s been so good to me, ever since…” I can’t finish the sentence, voice already wobbling at the thought that comes with it.

“Hey,” Emma’s murmur causes me to look up, and in her eyes I see a flicker of understanding, “he’s not worth it.” 

“I know,” I swallow back the tears crawling up my throat, “I know, it’s just--a hard pill to swallow.”

A hand comes to a rest at my elbow, before my cousin tucks her chin atop my shoulder, “it’ll be alright, Y/N. He doesn’t deserve you." 

I nod. Then, just to change the subject so that I don’t break down in her arms, I gesture towards the dress, “so? How does it look?” 

Emma tugs at some pieces here and there, rearranging the fabric as she sees fit, “I think it looks good. You look gorgeous. Kevin will swoon, for sure.” 

“It’s not like that,” I hurriedly say as I strip out of the dress and put it back on its hanger, “we’re just friends.” 

“Mhm,” she throws me a pointed look, a mischievous smile tugging at the corner of her lips, “'just friends' doesn't feel right..” 

“Emma, really? Right after my breakup?” 

“He came to Mauritius just for you Y/N,” she squeezes my shoulders comfortingly, “doesn’t that count for something?” 

“Well, we’ve been friends since high school so…”

“I don’t think just any friend in high school would do such a thing if I asked,” Emma catches my eye in the mirror, her gaze deep and meaningful, “just think about that.” 

I just nod in hopes that she’ll stop yapping away at my nonexistent relationship with Kevin, whatever that means. The hole in my heart is still so raw and filled with pain that I can’t even start thinking about another relationship. The thought alone is enough to drain me of all energy and I decide to brush it off for now as I follow Emma out in the backyard now filled with familiar chatter and the smell of cooked meat wafting through the air, with the sky bruising a soft purple to signal the end of a long summer day. 

Catching sight of Kevin as I bring out one of the many salad bowls that my family has prepared, my lips can’t help but twitch into a slow smile when I see him by the grill, whipping away the multitudes of flies zipping back and forth as my other cousin deftly flips the sausages upside down with a trained rhythm that only years of experience can bring. 

“Kevin! You’re not doing your job right!” my cousin cries playfully. Kevin attempts to flap the newspaper around while screeching, “oh god, my eyes are burning!"

“Someone bring more meat!” My cousin hollers. 

“There’s more?!” 

“He’s doing a great job,” my grandmother’s voice brings my attention back to the salad bowl in my hands, and I quickly bend to kiss her cheek as she continues, “better than any of your other cousins. They never help out.” 

“That’s because you pamper them too much, grandma,” I grin at her and follow her to the dining table where my aunts are already settling down amongst themselves. 

The evening passes by with good food and good company, the sky darkening and dotting with a veil of stars that has Kevin gawking in awe. I'm not surprised, you don't see skies like that anywhere, a sky that isn't so intoxicated with modern chemicals. My uncles take it upon themselves to introduce Kevin to all the types of Mauritian delicacies, such as chickpea fritters we call 'gato pima', small balls of graped choko vegetable and minced pork 'niouk yen', and to top it all off, a plate of cornmeal pudding also known as 'pudine mai' that makes Kevin's eyes go wide with surprise.

"This is dessert?" He holds it up in his hand, "with ...cornmeal?"

"Sure is," one of my aunts chime in with a smile, "made it just this morning."

It's past midnight when we get back to our little apartment with Emma's dress hanging off my arms, which Kevin doesn't hesitate to grab from my hold despite my protests. 

"It's fine dude," he flashes me a quick smile, albeit tired, and my heart does this weird little squeeze in my chest at his thoughtfulness. 

He's kind. Too kind. I really don't deserve someone like him. 

"I'm sorry," I say as we settle onto the small couch, shoulders fitted snugly against each other, "my family is kinda overwhelming."

"No no," Kevin looks over, edges of his lips curled up, "I actually love your family, you know."

My chest warms, "thanks."

There is a moment of silence that we enjoy, the day's events sinking into my bones. 

"Hey," he murmurs.

"Hm?"

My eyes slide over to catch his, dark pools glimmering with a certain softness that catches my attention. 

I bite my lip. It suddenly feels a little warm.

"What is it?" I ask, voice hoarse.

"Is oreo a sandwich?" 

I sit up so suddenly that I jostle him, "wait--what?"

He grins up at me with that little nose scrunch that I can't help but find endearing, "is oreo a sandwich?" I open my mouth to answer but he beats me to it, "is cereal a soup?"

"Stop."

Reclining back to lace his hands at the back of his head, he says, "is ketchup a smoothie?" 

"Stop it."

"What about hotdogs? Are they sandwiches?" He continues in a singsong voice and rolling my eyes, I make a move to punch him once more. But he's faster, hand shooting out to hold my wrists. He pulls me over and I stumble, knee pressing against the side of his leg. 

"Come on. Answer it," he wriggles his eyebrows.

"Nope."

“Don’t be a party pooper.” 

“You’re so annoying.” 

"Are you sick of me yet?" His face is so close that I notice the creases at the corner of his eyes when he smiles.

"That's an understatement."

"But really, do you think oreo is a sandwich?"

"No! Oreos are just oreos!"

“You’re no fun,” He pouts before finally releasing his hold. I draw back with a roll of my eyes, settling beside him once more and pillowing my head onto his shoulder.

Emma’s right. Kevin had sacrificed so much to be here with me, and he doesn’t even know Emma. Yet, he immediately dropped everything so that he could be my plus one, so that I wouldn’t have to face the music alone. The thought makes my heart swell with emotion and suddenly I’m all too aware of his presence beside me. 

I shift to gaze at him, eyes tracing the curve of his nose, the indent above his lips before I whisper, “hey Kevin.” 

“Hm?” 

“Why’d you come?” 

His eyes flicker over to mine then. A heartbeat passes. For a moment, I wonder if he can hear my heartbeat suddenly throbbing a little too loudly in my chest. 

“Good question.” 

Another pause. 

“That’s not an answer,” I laugh slightly, to show that it’s all just fun and games.

But when I catch his eyes next, there’s something else brimming in them. They’re tender with emotion and it catches me so off guard that I almost don’t catch his next set of words:

“Because I care about you.” 

My heart gives a quick lurch but I somehow can’t tear my gaze away. I want to say something. Anything. 

But all I can muster is a soft, “oh.” 

“Why do you ask?” he asks, voice hoarse.

I hesitate, “Emma asked why. And...I guess I wanted to know too.” 

“Oh.” 

The air feels heavy, heightened with the things that are threatening to slip off the edge of my tongue. A mixed series of ‘but why’s and ‘can’t you tell me more’ jumbling up my thoughts with so many possibilities that I decide to stay quiet for the sake of not ruining the moment. Because there’s this lingering fear that once I do say something, then it’ll just pull me down a rabbit hole that I can’t crawl out of, that the only escape lies on the other side.

And I don’t know if I want to take that leap yet. My heart is already so fragile with the aftermath of a love that went wrong. I don’t know how much more I can take. 

So I just stay quiet and let out a soft sigh, and though Kevin shifts as if he wants to say something, he doesn’t. The question just hangs there between us, in-between the slithers of moonlight and in the cold Moka air, like a perpetual ghost we ignore as we drift off to sleep.

----------

Something shifts between us after that. It’s unspoken of, but suddenly, I am all too aware of Kevin as a whole. Things that I hadn’t noticed before surface as we spend most of our free time visiting the rest of the island; like how he loves ruffling his hair whenever he feels uncomfortable, or the way his bicep curls as his arm drapes over the wheel with the barest hint of muscle that is enough to be attractive yet subtle, or how he smirks in that attractive way of his whenever he thinks something is undeniably adorable. 

The good thing about having Kevin is that I don’t get to think of him all too much, which is a blessing in itself. It’s been days since I’ve shed another tear and for that, I have to say I’m glad that I’m making progress.

We spent the last few days before the wedding traveling around the island to visit all the touristy spots that I know Kevin will enjoy, like a hike all the way to the top of Le Morne mountain, where I explain that’s where slaves would throw themselves off when their masters would find them. We visited Bois Cheri, a tea-making factory where Kevin had the pleasure of tasting all different kinds of teas cultivated in the fields below, and ate lunch on the Caudan Waterfront as we gazed at the boats lulling along the harbour. 

“Woah, this place makes me feel like I’m in Aladdin somehow,” Kevin’s mouth is wide agape as his eyes try to take in the endless racks of stands selling fresh fruits and vegetables of the day. The Port-Louis Bazaar has always been one of my favourite places to visit, but it’s also one of the busiest. Even now as we attempt to squeeze our way through, people are jostling us here and there, causing me to press my bag to my chest in case any pickpockets are nearby. I prompt Kevin to do the same. 

“Hey Y/N, I wanna check out the bags over there,” Kevin motions towards the hand-woven baskets situated at the far end of the market and I nod as we keep moving forward with the crowd like a pair of salmons trying to swim upstream. But there’s so many people, it’s so suffocating that it gets hard to keep up with Kevin’s figure. Someone elbows my shoulder and I groan, stumbling to the side in irritation, only to get pushed forward by another. 

“Seriously--” I curse under my breath, when a hand suddenly appears before my eyes.

Looking up to see Kevin’s outstretched arm, I am only greeted with his bashful smile and averted eyes. 

“Come on,” he doesn’t even wait for my consent before slipping his palm over my own and tugging me along, his hold firm and strong despite his skinny frame and the action is enough to render a flurry of butterflies soaring over my stomach. 

Stop, I try telling my subconscious. That does nothing, however, to stop my neck from tingling with unfamiliar heat. 

Kevin’s hand feels so warm. It’s comfortable, safe. 

And I’m liking it a little too much.

He doesn’t let go when we reach the desired stand and talk over which bag looks the best and keeps his hand in mine for the entirety of our journey back to the car. Only when I unlock the doors that his palm finally drops from my hold and air rushes over my palm that is now a little too cold without his warmth. But while a multitude of questions are burning the back of my throat, they fall apart halfway through at the thought of his answer, before I decide to drop it altogether. 

Kevin, on the other hand, doesn’t seem the least bit affected. 

When the day of the wedding finally rolls around, I drive my car to Emma’s after a quick breakfast that Kevin surprised me with -- to my surprise, he’d managed to make a decent eggs and toast without burning the place down -- so that I can help her get into her gown and more importantly so that she doesn’t run away, lest her mind goes in a frenzy at the thought of tying the knot. 

“You’ll be fine,” I reassure her, teasing a few of her curls so that they slip down to her chest in a perfect wave. She looks stunningly beautiful, with her strapless white dress that shimmers with diamonds in the light with every movement she makes. 

I reach out to smooth over her veil so that it falls on either side of her face, frames her perfectly, and notice her big brown eyes staring back at me through her vanity mirror. 

“You look beautiful,” I can’t keep the awe from my voice. 

Her face blossoms into a smile, “you too.” 

“Ah come on, you can’t say that to me on your wedding day,” I shove her playfully on the shoulder, “you’re the star of the show. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.” 

“Okay mom,” she rolls her eyes before changing the subject, “So, how have things been? With Kevin?” My hands freeze in mid-action, “It’s good.” 

I don’t have to look at her to know that she’s giving me a pointed look.

I sigh, “well, okay. Maybe you’re right. About the whole…’just friends’ thing not being true.” 

“Why?” she straightens up, turns to me, “what happened? Did you kiss? Did he make a move--” 

“No we didn’t kiss,” I’m quick to answer as my cheeks heat up. And after a few beats of hesitation, I give her a summary; the way he’d looked at me that night with eyes that held so much in them that it had made my chest swell, the way that he’d snitch glances at me whenever he thought I wasn’t paying attention, and the fact that he’d grabbed my hand and didn’t let go even long after the crowd wasn’t an issue anymore. 

Emma’s eyes are wide and sparkling with a feeling that I know all too well, I can practically see the cogs turning in her head and quickly shook mine in rapid retaliation, “Emma, no.” 

“But--But he’s perfect for you!” she bellows in protest, “What do you mean ‘no’?!” 

“I can’t go there. Not after,...not now, it’s too soon…” 

She rolls her eyes, “it’s not like he’s asking you to marry him, christ’s sake. He likes you, and I feel like you’re only trying to deprive yourself because you feel like it’s not right.” 

“It’s not right--”

“Who says so?” she cuts me off then, her gaze hardening on mine with such intensity it takes everything in me not to flinch back, “who says it’s not right? It doesn’t matter if it’s after two days, two weeks, two months. You think I don’t know how it feels to be heartbroken? You can’t just keep thinking about the past. You’re going to hurt yourself that way.” 

My teeth sink down onto my lower lip, her words like ice-cold knives aimed straight at my chest. 

“What you can control, right now, is the present, Y/N.” 

“I know,” I mumble out half-heartedly.

“I can see it, you know, the way he looks at you,” she shakes her head, “even if you don’t like him back, you gotta be aware of all that he’s done for you.” 

Her hands find their way to mine, enclosing them in her grasp before squeezing them with such care that I can’t stop the tears crawling up the back of my throat. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs next, “I don’t want to pressure you if that’s not how you feel. That--That was not my intention,” her eyes latch onto mine, filled with understanding, “I just want you to be happy.” 

Happy. 

That’s a word I haven’t heard in a long time. 

“Don’t you dare cry now,” Emma says while waving her hands around in warning, “you’re going to ruin your makeup and we definitely don’t want that.” 

I sniffle, trying my best to hold in the tears now brimming through my eyes, “you’re right,” I attempt to smile, albeit it’s wobbly, “we don’t.” 

“Come here,” she tugs my arm so that I fall into her embrace. Her head finds her way to my shoulder and she hugs me tight, not caring that her veil is getting all bunched up and wrinkled, “you’ll be okay,” she whispers, one hand stroking my back, “you’ll be just fine, little one.” 

Then, pulling back and pushing a few strands away from my face, she flashes a bright smile, “we should probably head to the church soon.” 

----------

“We now declare you, Vincent and Emma, as husband and wife.” 

The church explodes in a round of applause and I join in the clapping, furiously trying to keep the tears of joy at bay. Vincent has been there for Emma ever since they met at work and it has been the most beautiful love story ever since; filled with the purest kind of love no one can imagine. Beside me, I feel Kevin’s hand coming to squeeze my shoulder in a reassuring manner and I feel warm all over despite the rush of emotion in my heart. 

The wedding reception is to take place at a fancy restaurant overlooking the harbourfront. Our family has booked the venue for the evening, and as I enter, I take in the baby blue veils that come down each corner of the restaurant, sprinkles of glitter here and there as we make our way to our assigned tables that each have a baby blue napkin shaped in swans. 

I don’t even have time to place my butt down when I hear a voice call out, “Y/N! Look how big you’ve gotten!” 

Of course, big wedding ceremonies only mean that we get to meet all of our extended family that we haven’t seen since forever, and they’re all too happy to chat with me about living overseas. Soon enough, I’m bustled off to a table and look back over my shoulder to mouth a quick “I’m sorry” to Kevin. Bless his soul, for he only smiles and shakes his head, his hand motioning for me to go on.

I manage to catch up with cousins I haven’t seen since I was a little girl, talk over appetizers with excited aunts who want to know all about how it feels like to live away from family for such a long time, and nod along to the old uncles trying to get me to give a concrete answer about when and where will my wedding take place. 

“Come on Y/N! You’re the next one after Emma for sure,” one of my uncles bellow, face flushed red as a result of the glasses of wine he has downed like water. He is Emma’s father, no surprise that he’ll want to get drunk from happiness and pride. It is his daughter’s wedding after all. 

He leans close with a conspiratorial look in his eyes, “so tell me,” his eyes glance over to Kevin, currently deep in conversation with another one of my distant aunts. I watch as he says something to make her laugh, and something inside my chest warms at the action, “is he the lucky guy that’s going to ask for your hand?” 

“Do you think he’s the one?” another uncle pipes up. 

I purse my lips and attempt to shrug, “it’s early days,” I try laughing it off although it sounds forced, “who knows what can happen.” 

“He’s a good kid,” an aunt says, “you know how we all have this sixth sense? Well Y/N, I have a good feeling about this young man. Don’t let him go. Something tells me he’s a keeper.” 

A wild imaginative speculation, considering that we’re not even dating. But I nod along and say that yes, I’ll tell them whenever I decide to tie the knot.

It’s only when the dance floor opens and people start pooling onto the dance floor after the first dance -- led by no other than the bride and groom themselves -- that I finally allow myself to breathe. I find my way back to my chair, back to Kevin’s warm smile flashing in my direction as his eyes take in the fatigue lining my face. 

“You look like you could use a drink,” is the first thing he tells me the moment I plop my butt onto my designed seat, the one that’s been kept cold ever since I stepped foot into the dining hall. 

I gratefully accept the glass of wine he offers me, swallowing it down in a few gulps, “thanks,” I sigh with relief, “I needed that.” 

“How was catching up with family?” 

“It couldn’t be as bad as being left behind,” I peer over at him, guilt flooding me at the prospect of having left him all alone, “sorry. It’s just that everyone--” 

“Oh stop that,” Kevin nudges my shoulder with his, “don’t be sorry. It’s totally normal. I’m happy for you. And I wasn’t left behind. I had a wonderful time talking to your aunt. She seemed so happy to tell me what your childhood was like.”

“Bet you liked that, didn’t you?” 

“Hey, it works as blackmail. Why wouldn’t I like that?” 

“Dork.” 

“You’re friends with this dork.” 

“Oh piss off,” I slap his shoulder playfully in retaliation, causing him to laugh softly as we watch couples glide across the dance floor like swans over water. The lights have dimmed, the yellow hues now replaced by soft cool blues and purples that cause Emma’s dress to shimmer every time she turns. She’s absolutely stunningly beautiful, and the way she and Vincent are gazing at each other just scream of pure love that wraps around them in a golden mist so enchantingly beautiful that I find myself catching my breath in the back of my throat. 

“She’s so beautiful,” the words fall from my mouth without meaning to, and I feel Kevin’s eyes on my face from the corner of my peripheral.

“You are too.” 

I bite my lip and narrow my eyes at him playfully, “thanks, but why do I have a feeling that this isn’t a compliment?” 

“It isn’t,” he holds my gaze, “it’s just the truth.” 

Emotion lodges at the back of my throat. I stare at him. He stares back, a glimmer of tenderness echoing through the dark pools of black, his whole expression relaxed into a face that appears flooded with affection for--

Me. 

For some reason, no words seem to come to me as I open my mouth and close it. Embarrassment slowly bubbles through my stomach. I look away, unable to contain the goosebumps suddenly exploding across the back of my neck with that same familiar uncomfortable sensation I keep getting around him these days. Like I’m standing atop a cliff and preparing myself to jump.

“Wanna dance?” 

I blink in surprise, before turning to the said young man beside me who has his head cocked to the side with that same expression. My heart can’t help but squeeze inside my chest before I push down the rising protest searing through my brain. 

I nod. And off we go onto the dance floor. His hands settle on my waist, mine atop his shoulders in a casual sling. There’s enough distance between our bodies to show that we’re not together and yet, I can’t deny that electrical tension that keeps on pulling me towards Kevin like a magnet. I wonder if he feels it too, that searing heat that is so palpable I can feel sweat break out from the back of my neck. Asking, though, would mean that I’m aware of what’s happening, asking would imply that I want something to happen.

Maybe I do. 

Maybe I do want to grab life by the reins myself and steer it wherever I want it to go. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

I blink. Right up into Kevin’s brown orbs, his hair catching the shades of blue from the disco balls. My throat runs dry. 

“Uh--” my mind tries to scramble for a response, any response, “just--uhm, it’s kind of like our last day here.” 

He cocks his head, “sad?” 

“Kinda. I like it here,” my eyes brush over Emma and Vincent’s forms in the vicinity, catch my grandma sitting at one of the tables, little cousins running all over the place. Then, I look back at the said young man gazing at me with that undecipherable look in his eyes that makes my heart sing, and try not to squirm as I continue softly, “it feels like home.” 

“We can always come back,” he uses ‘we’ as though it’s now an adventure kept between the two of us, a secret to our own little neverland that nobody knows about. I can’t help but smile at the thought. 

“Do you want to come back?” I ask.

“Are you kidding? Hell yeah I want to come back. The views are amazing, the food is out of this world, and your family has been really kind to me.” 

“I’m sorry, they are kind of overbearing when you first get to know them.” 

“I love it,” Kevin says seriously, “I love that they’re overbearing. Couldn’t have asked for anything more.” 

If I had any doubts, the sincerity dripping from his eyes is enough to wipe out any suspicions left from his compliment. The sudden urge to hug him rocks through me and my hands fist on the back of his shirt in response. 

We keep on dancing silently, bobbing from one foot to another for a few minutes more before he speaks up softly. 

“Y/N?” 

“Hm?” 

“I wouldn't mind getting married here.” 

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, “really now?” 

“Yup,” he grins, “really.” 

“Your future wife will have me to thank for that.” 

“Maybe my future wife won’t have to thank you.” 

There it is. That same borderline flirting that’s been happening for days on end. 

“And why is that?” I probe, partly just to tease him, and partly because I just want to know.

“Maybe she might be right here, in this room.” 

“Didn’t know you were into one of my cousins,” I start looking around the room, only for one of his hands to cup my cheek to turn my face back to his. 

There is none of that teasing glimmer now. His eyes are darker, gazing down at me with such emotion that the breath catches in the back of my throat and the air halts in my lungs. We gaze at each other for a few beats longer, before I feel his thumb graze my cheek. Gently, so gently like he’d stroke a flower petal. 

Swallowing at the heat of his hand cupping the side of my face, my hands unconsciously tighten on the back of his neck. He senses my nervousness, but only pulls me slightly closer so that we are mere millimeters from each other, noses hovering over each other in a space that causes my heart to stutter inside my chest. 

When he opens his mouth next, his alto is hoarse, pent-up with emotion. 

“I wasn’t talking about your cousins.” 

My heart practically jumps to my throat, teeth biting onto my lip. 

I can’t hear the music, nor the people. I can’t hear anything except for my pounding heart and Kevin’s soft breaths washing over my face. 

His eyes search mine and we hold gazes for a moment too long.

“Y/N?” 

I press my lips together, “Y-Yes?” 

He moves even closer then so that his nose brushes mine in the most intimate of ways. 

“I--” 

“Y/N! I was looking all over for you!” 

We spring apart like we just got burnt just in time for one of my cousins to grab onto my arm. He sends an apologetic smile at Kevin, before explaining, “we just need to sort out the takeaways. She’ll be back in a second!” 

And without listening to my protests, he proceeds to drag me away from the said young man on the dancefloor. I look back, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry” once more -- it’s the second time that night!-- and see the raven-haired man laugh good-naturedly before shaking his head and waving me away. That does nothing to keep my heart from cartwheeling out of my chest, swelling up with such affection that I grin back despite the earlier predicament. 

One thing’s for sure: I’m not done talking with Kevin Moon yet. 

----------

I find him sitting alone in the tiny garden that overlooks the decorated pavillon a few hours later. His figure, illuminated by the soft yellow hues of interior light, seems to glow in the dark, the moon bouncing off his hair and catching the strength of his cheekbone when he turns and catches me staring. He only smiles though -- that beautiful tender smile that I keep seeing more and more these days -- before waving me over. 

“What are you doing out here all alone?” I ask as I reach his figure. A soft breeze dances along the back of my spine, cool in contrast to the warm stickiness of the air. 

“Your smaller cousin was showing me what she’d learnt in astronomy at her school,” he tilts his head up at the sky, “she’s quite the prodigy at that.” 

“The next woman to land on the moon,” I joke.

“Jeez, I should get her autograph.” 

“Wise idea,” that’s when I feel his hand slip into mine and I look down at him, blinking. He grins a little shyly, before tugging me forward so that I all but stumble right into him, halfway sprawled across his lap. 

Heat explodes through my chest at the proximity of our bodies and I can’t help but avert my gaze from his, partly embarrassed that maybe there might be someone around to see, and partly because it’s only recently that I’ve started seeing Kevin in a new light that being so close makes my heart choke up and my mind to run blank. 

We’re close. So close I feel his breath mingle with mine. My hands settle atop his chest lightly, “Kev,” I breathe out but nothing follows, too scared to verbally voice out what is going on for fear that it might all crumble into nothing. 

I don’t want false hope. I also don’t want his heart -- or mine -- to break. 

This friendship is too precious to let go. I can’t imagine a life without Kevin in it.

“Listen Y/N,” Kevin’s voice is soft, a hushed murmur resonating through his chest as his eyes search mine, “I think we both know what’s happening here.” 

I nod mutely. 

Taking a shaky breath, he continues, “I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you. I know it’s been tough and that you’re still healing. I just--I just want to know.” 

As his words wash over me as gently as the forest leaves rustling around us, I feel the warmth of his hand cupping my cheek, holding me like I am fine china and stroking my skin with his thumb so that butterflies suddenly rush along my middle.

I bite my lip so hard I can taste blood, " I-- well, I think you already know how I feel."

"I know," he breathes, "but I need to hear it from you."

As if it isn't hard enough to come face to face with my own feelings, having Kevin stare me down as though I put the moon in his sky makes me want to squirm with a mixture of embarrassment and excitement. 

“I like you,” I blurt out then, “a lot.” 

There is a few seconds delay, before a shit-- eating grin --the biggest I’ve ever seen -- spreads across Kevin’s face like sunshine peeking through the clouds.

“Enough for us to go on a date?”

I nod mutely. I don’t trust my voice, not right now when I already feel so pathetic. Kevin’s grin softens into a tender smile, one that I can’t help but return when our eyes meet in the most intimate of ways. Suddenly, the air feels charged and alive with electricity, the heat between our bodies palpable as his hand moves to the back of my neck. 

He tugs. I follow. 

His lips find mine mid-way in a delicate kiss. 

It’s soft. Softer than any kiss I’ve ever had. Kevin’s mouth parts over my own in a gentle caress, before he tilts his head to the side and captures my lower lip between his. 

I gasp slightly at the contact, hands unconsciously tightening around his neck. 

Slowly leaning away, I notice the film of lust like a dull glow at the back of his maroon orbs, just the slightest hint that he wants me as a woman. And that makes my lungs constrict, air suddenly halting in the back of my throat.

My skin is prickling with the aftermath of his touch. I let out a soft breath before he covers my mouth with his once more and all thoughts fly out of my brain the moment he does. 

I don’t really know how long we spend outside, exchanging the softest of kisses underneath the moonlight, until I hear the soft exclamations of my family’s voices suggesting that it is time to head home. So I part from the said man and can’t help but blush at the lack of space between our bodies.

“We should probably head back,” I hate how wanton I sound, like I’ve just sprinted a mile when in truth I’ve been sitting in this very spot for the last hour.

He agrees and I descend from his lap, his hand subtly finding mine as we walk back to the wedding hall. 

Emma is still saying her goodbyes, her hair now dotted with glitter, probably from the decorations that my younger cousins took pleasure in bathing her in. Her face lights up as soon as she spots our entwined hands and I try not to meet her eyes for I know exactly the kind of smug look she'll be giving me. 

"Enjoyed the wedding?" She says as soon as we're within earshot.

"That must've been the best cake I've had in my life," Kevin lets out a dramatic sigh, "and that says something."

"Do I trust your taste buds though?" She teases.

"I'd be offended if you didn't," he gasped in mock offense, before they both break into playful chuckles.

As we exchange our goodbyes and Vincent engages Kevin in a conversation, Emma takes this chance to drag me to her side as she whispers, "so you gonna tell me the tea or am I going to have to extract it from you?"

I press my lips together as I try to control the heat searing through the back of my neck, "...we kissed."

She gasps, "No way! OH MY GOD! Are you guys a thing then?!" The answer is as clear as water on my face and she clamps a hand over her mouth, would've jumped up and down if she could've, "OH MY, OH MY GOD. I knew it! I just knew this was going to happen--"

"Shut up!" I hiss, scared that Kevin might overhear and think I'm a big fat tattle tale. My eyes quickly swivel over to his and I'm glad to find his head bent towards Vincent in concentration. 

"You need to tell me everything," Emma's eyes are sparkling, "like--as soon as you have some free time."

"You--" I send her a pointed look, then jerk my head at Vincent, "--need to tell me everything."

"Oh I will, don't worry."

"Anyway, I'll talk to you after your honeymoon."

"Okay," I turn around to find Kevin, not failing to notice the smirk playing on Emma's lips. I slap her arm in response, causing her to laugh before she calls out: 

"Don't forget to use protection!"

-----------

"We'll come back right?"

That's the first thing that Kevin states as soon as we step inside security, away from the tears of my family that I just left behind a few seconds ago. My heart still aches when I think of their faces, all crumpled and blinking at me with tissues in hand and noses as red as traffic lights. But I seek comfort upon feeling Kevin's hand slip through mine as we walk towards our destined gate. 

"Sure," I look at him; at his red-tinted cheeks (probably the aftermath of a sunburn), his newly tanned skin a fresh contrast against his white shirt, and the permanent grin that seems impossible to wipe off his face. My heart instantly flutters.

It's only been a few days since we've confessed our growing romantic interest in each other, but I can already feel the weight of his love pouring out of his heart and into mine the moment he realized that my arms would be there to catch him when he fell.

"I'm not going to wake up to an empty bed tomorrow morning, am I?" He’d joked when we stumbled, half-asleep, into Emma's flat after the wedding. 

I frowned at him, "Why would you think that?"

"Just in case you think that kissing me was a mistake."

A small pause ensued, in which I realized that despite all my fears and all the pain I had been carrying in my heart ever since we landed on my motherland, I had not once considered how Kevin might be feeling at this very moment. 

My eyes quickly took note of his countenance, sweeping right up to his face only to notice the flash of vulnerability in his eyes, the way the corners of his mouth were tense, cheekbones taught against his skin as he awaited for my answer with baited breath. 

Clearing my throat, I whispered, "it wasn't."

A soft smile tugged at his lips, "good to know."

His answer seemed so genuine, so wholehearted that my chest tightened in a mixture of gratefulness and affection, so much so that my arms automatically reached for him to tug him close. My nose found its rightful place at his neck and I breathed in his comforting  lilac smell that I enjoyed so much.

I felt him take a breath. Then, softly, a hand caressed the back of my head. I buried even closer if that was possible.

"I really want this to work," my words were a muffled mess and I was surprised that he understood.

"Me too," he murmured into my hair, "and it will work. I promise I won't break your heart Y/N."

Looking back now at this tender moment in which we both weren't certain of where we were stepping, I can't help but laugh at the thought, for now the love and attraction is so natural I'm amazed it has taken this long to flourish. 

Maybe I hadn't been looking the right way. Maybe I had been searching so far out and wide that I hadn't noticed that my safe harbour is the one standing right beside me.

"Hey Kevin," I call out.

Kevin turns towards me, where he'd been watching planes take off from the ground into the gorgeously blue sunny sky.

"Yeah?" 

“I’m really glad you came.” 

There's a few beats of silence although his mouth immediately cracks into that gorgeous, crooked grin of his that I adore so much. 

“Me too.” 

----

[mrskurono]

ok i’ve been having this thought for the longest time and since we’re talking about nanami and gojou (kinda?) now i’ll just say it. the people who think nanami is daddy are the same people who think gojou is daddy too. like firstly, there’s not a single “daddy” bone in gojou’s body. like that man gives me slinky vibes he’s so tall and long and a full fledged b r a t. other than that he’s literally like that weird uncle that brings back trinkets from his trips around the world and then one day he suddenly disappears which leads u and ur dad to have to go on a journey to find him and uncover secrets- im definitely describing a movie here idk what movie tho. moving on nanami. this mf is literally so fucking tired of life u think he wanna come home and have to be in control again???? nah he prolly into some kinky bdsm shit that forces him to surrender control and have him admit his deepest desire or smth. prolly loves getting pegged too i sense it.

- 🪢 this is just a rant because i’m tired of seeing daddy dom gojou and nanami. also pls tell me u received an ask from me a bit ago about some sappy shit i guess idk :/ because i sent it the same time my wifi was acting up so i don’t know if it actually sent ;(

BC IM NICE AND I HAVE SOME CHOICE WORDS ON THE MATTER (I mean not like rude or anything, this is just something that bothers me about the fandom) I’LL PUT IT UNDER THE CUT BC HUN DO I GOT A LOT TO SAY ABOUT SLINKY MAN OK

If you don’t like sub!Gojo or sub!Nanami don’t read

Gojo is such a fluid, fuck anything unless it fucks me first kind of character that it’s like no one sees that and all they see is “uwu tall” Which, ok he isn’t even that tall. Everyone in my family is bare minimum of 6 ft. He’s a scrawny shit that the moment I sit on him he’s gonna break. (If my size kink is gonna be activated the “conventional way” then my god they gotta be 6′4 at least and stocky, looking at you Kindaichi jfc he makes me feel small asdfghjkl panties moistened) But like Gojo is so fruity and snarky you choke him once and guarantee he’s gonna cream in his pants. Geto was clearly the dom in that dynamic (Geto, though I am mad at him, has slightly dom points. That I cannot budge on he is one of the few jjk characters I will allow dom points for) 

Gojo literally looks to get yelled at by Nanami on a daily basis. And take it from someone who’s kink it is to irritate people and get them to make that “Im gonna kill you face” (my poor wife) Gojo has brat written all over his face. Given yeah he could top. Man would stick his dick in anything and get stuck with anything like that’s just his character. But daddy vibes? No. God so much no. Gojo has that freaky sex dungeon energy that he goes to on friday nights and comes home sunday not knowing what the fuck happened but his ass kinda hurts but he’s gonna do it again next weekend too.

And Nanami. Ok I get the suit thing and I get the caring dom part. Like, I’d marry him and wouldn’t mind taking care of him. Nanami deserves the world these are facts. But a hard daddy dom? No. Nanami is so fucking soft his literal character arc is about how hard things have affected him emotionally in the work force that is Jujutsu crap. He’s not gonna hurt someone. He’s not gonna be that “dom that slaps you and degrades you” Man is so fucking tired and probably wants you to hold him with his head in your lap and just like- let him suck on your fingers and play with his hair. Don’t make Nanami do hard shit he’s tired and wants to have a calm nice peaceful. He’d be totally good with scheduled sex on saturdays and then breakfast on sunday. Don’t make him some weird kinky office fantasy bc your dad worked long hours and then left your mom. Nanami is gentle and tired and sweet and sometimes too up tight so he needs to be pegged and reminded how wonderful he is. Yeah you can probably ask him to be dom, that’s what good partners do. But he’s not gonna choke you behind a fucking jamba juice and spit in your mouth. He just wants to go get bread and get a hug

Ok I think I got my ranting over. I gotta go cut down a fucking grape arbor today like fml. I can’t even make this shit up XD

[johnbroutledge]

Hello beautiful Nikki. I really need to work on being mutuals, im the absolute worst at this! Anyways this has been in my mind for like two days cause why wouldnt it be. Ppl are always saying how they cant develop ana or taylor becase the show has a big cast or whatever but our beloved ChicagoFire has way more characters and we know the backstory to the majority if not all of them. We’ve seen weddings, engagements, births and partners who are not first responders. Why can’t 911 do the same? Seems like a soft excuse and CF is way more focused on emergencies than backstory. Anyways just needed to get if off my head. Sorry for the rant! Hope you have a great weekend!

hi love! it's always nice to see you in my inbox! and believe me im not judging your mutualness because I also suck at keeping in contact with people.

i might get hate for this but like. i'm going to say it anyway. I feel like for the most part, people continue to come up with ridiculous excuses for why taylor or ana can't be developed because they just don't WANT to see them developed. if they become full fledged characters then they're more likely to have permanence and be "in the way" of ships.

you are 100% correct that OC in general continues to balance the stories of recurring and main cast beautifully so there really is no excuse for why 911 couldn't do the same.

now. with that being said, I understand that people don't want to take time away from main cast storylines to develop minor characters that they maybe dont care about, because I would also be upset if like. suddenly all of the focus was on minor characters and some of our main cast fell by the wayside. 

but that still doesn't mean that good balance in the stories between main and recurring cast isn't possible because it definitely is. they just....aren't doing it. there's a difference. but like, and this is a side note, but in all honesty, i.....felt like season four of 911 was very weak in comparison to previous seasons and I think it was partially because nothing...felt very important? like nothing was given the time that it deserved, so I agree with people saying that there's issues with the writing. there definitely is. hen's med school journey felt non existent most of the time, they missed huge opportunities to talk about bobby's trauma when the accident happened, buck begins was a great episode but like...nothing addressed in it was ever spoken about again, alberts passing the LAFD test came out of nowhere, it just....it wasn't the best in general. for any of the characters. and that may be because of it being a covid season, but either way, I hope they work on that for season 5. 

[visceraah]

The sound of music

(aka i’m so sorry for naming it after a musical it has nothing to do with dkjsdjksdjk names are hard)

My gift for @anianthe for @sanderssidesgiftxchange

Rating- Teen cause i’m incapable of not writing wayyy more swears then are necessary-

WC- 2947

Ship- Just Virgil interacting w the other sides,, feel free to interpret romantically if you want!

Warnings- not really any! Remus shows up briefly so.. beware of that. and ig Virgil is also kinda mean bUT he does it affectionately.

AO3

-

“We’re having a movie night!”

Virgil blinked. Took off his his headphones which, unfortunately, hadn’t been playing anything- he wore them out of habit, sometimes- meaning he heard everything his stupid best friend just said.

“No, we aren’t.”

Roman flopped down on his bed without waiting for any indication it was okay, something Virgil was all too used to. “We are now.”

Virgil sighed heavily and pushed Roman with his foot, trying to roll him off the bed. He didn’t budge. “And if I don’t want to?”

“Pleaseeee?” Roman employed the puppy dog eyes and Virgil knew already this was a losing battle. Ugh.

“I get to pick the movie.”

Roman perked up immediately, coming to sit next to him. “Yes! Okay! Just- Disney?”

Virgil rolled his eyes, wondering if Roman was capable of consuming content made by anyone else. He was beginning to doubt it. “Nightmare Before Christmas, then.”

“Predictable.” Roman murmured smugly, and he elbowed him.

“You want this movie night or not?”

“Okay, okay! I yield!” Roman cried, clutching his ribs. Virgil was pretty sure he was more upset at the prospect of a cancelled movie night then the ‘pain’ he was overplaying right now.

“Okay.” Virgil agreed, smugly, and set the movie on.

He’d seen it a million times already, which for most people would only make it boring by now- but Virgil found comfort in familiar things. Plus, that animation! He could happily watch it a million more times- and, honestly, probably would.

That meant he had it memorised, though, and soon enough he was singing along to the introduction under his breath. He listened along contently, until an unfamiliar third voice joined the chorus, and he startled, looking to the side. “Roman?”

Roman stared back, raising an eyebrow at him. “... Hi.”

“Were you singing along?”

Romans eyes flicked between Virgil and the screen, where the movie was still playing, in confusion. “Yes, Dr Gloom? Look, I know what a downer you love to be, but these pipes can’t stay closed all the time! They need exercise- and, the world deserves- neigh, needs to hear them!”

Virgil huffed at the dramatics, although it was fond. “I never said it was a problem, Sir Sing-a-lot, I’m just surprised.”

“One, that’s not an insult and I’m absolutely using that,” Roman retorted, “And two… It’s Disney! One of their best! Do you really expect me to not know the words?”

Virgil snorted, but he had to admit, he couldn’t disagree with that. “Whatever, nerd.”

Roman gasped, somehow seeming more upset than when Virgil had elbowed him. Of course that’d be what got to him. “I am not! I’m a prince- a very princely prince! Not-”

“Whatever you say, prince of the nerds.” Virgil hummed out, smirking to himself. Maybe Roman bursting in out of nowhere wasn’t so bad… This time. He still hated surprises and would not be convinced to do this again. He said that every time

-

Being Romans best friend, unfortunately, had its side effects. One was unplanned, unannounced Disney marathons he had no choice but to roll with. Another was actually listening to his musicals so often he learned to like them, too.

For all he said about Hamilton being overrated (and Romans reaction was priceless every time), he had to admit it was good. A little fast for him to keep with, but he rarely sang along to his songs anyway, preferring to hum quietly unless he was really in the mood.

He liked keeping his music to himself, too- he didn’t want to annoy anyone, so he always wore headphones- but sometimes he just wanted to drown the world out, and they went to full volume. Worked a treat to drown everyone out, but plenty audible to everyone else in the room. Sometimes, though, they’d just have to live with it.

Today was one of those days, where Virgil didn’t want to speak to anybody and had the volume to show it. He was playing one of Princeys musicals, too, humming along to ‘my shot’ no matter how different it was to his normal taste. He nodded in acknowledgement as he passed Logan on his beeline for the fridge, planning on grabbing the easiest and least healthy snack possible.

Retreating with his bag of marshmallows in hand- he was pretty sure they weren’t meant to be in the fridge, but they were imaginary, so maybe nothing needed to go in the fridge. Holy shit.

He pulled the headphones back, opening his mouth to ask Logan's opinion, when he heard a sound that made him freeze in his tracks.

Logan was rapping along to himself. And well. Jesus, how had he forgotten about that? He stared, still in disbelief, and Logan awkwardly trailed off when he noticed his gaze. “Ah, you could hear me.”

“Yeah, I just wanted to ask… Doesn’t matter. Holy shit, Lo, you’re amazing.”

Logan flushed slightly, looking down at the table. “I simply have an appreciation of the genre, and Hamilton has some particular, uhm- how would you say? ‘Bangers’.”

Virgil laughed, slipping into the seat opposite him and taking the headphones off completely. “Dude, I’ve spent enough time with Roman to know having an ‘appreciation’ doesn’t mean you can pull something off.”

Logan raised an eyebrow, clearly fighting back a smile. “I am not sure he’d appreciate you saying that.”

“Eh, I’ve said it to his face before- and will again.” Virgil dismissed, feeling his lips turn up as well. “Why don’t you do it more?”

Logan shrugged, adjusting his glasses awkwardly. “It is hardly a logical skill for me to have, so it simply… Hasn’t come up.”

“Ro doesn’t need an excuse for songs to ‘come up’ before he starts singing them.” Virgil pointed out, and Logan chuffed.

“No, he certainly doesn’t. But we are different people.”

Virgil laughed, nodding. “You could say that again.”

“Oh. Alright, we are differen-”

“It’s an expression, dude. Come on.” Virgil interrupted, sounding nothing but fond as Logan widened his eyes in realisation.

“A highly illogical one, but alright. I can add it to my flashcards to avoid further confusion.” He decided, pulling out his deck there and then to add to. He paused when he heard the crackling of a plastic bag pulled open, looking up as Virgil helped himself to a marshmallow. “Please do not tell me you intend on consuming that entire bag.”

“Maybe.” Virgil held it out, grinning now. “Want one?”

“A key ingredient is gelatin, created by boiling down a pig or cows bones, skin, ligaments or tendons.” Logan deadpanned, and Virgil almost threw the whole bag away in disgust before he remembered,

“But they’re imaginary!”

Logan titled his head. “I suppose so.”

“Actually, I was thinking…” Virgil began, curious about how the fridge actually worked. Soon enough Logan was in a full-fledged rant about mindscape food, and half of it went over his head, but he didn’t mind listening. It was interesting, after all.

-

Whatever concerns Virgil had about not bothering anyone with his music, the other sides didn’t share them. Roman didn’t hesitate to sing whatever came to mind as it came to mind, offering full renditions of his favourite musical tracks daily, Logan could be heard humming to himself as he worked, Remus had no restraint about… Anything, really, and this was no different, Janus wasn’t exactly considerate, and Patton- Patton was the worst at all.

He wandered the mindscape belting out whatever was in his head at the moment which, as a father figure, was always old, tacky, and bad. They’d learned to ignore it for the most part, but some of the songs he played… Some of them were just unforgivable. And, sitting on the couch as Patton tidied up a little, Virgil had left himself completely at their mercy.

“JOLENE-”

Virgil pulled his hoodie over his ears, wishing he’d brought his headphones. Or just not left his room. “Please, no.”

“Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeeeene, I’m begging of you please don’t take my man-”

“Pain, Padre. This is causing me physical pain.” Virgil groaned, slamming his head back in an attempt to make it all stop. Unfortunately, the sofa was soft, and he just bounced back. Eurgh.

“Awh, cmon kiddo! I’m just singing. You could always join me.” Patton chirped, rearranging the same jar for the fourth time in three minutes.

“I might die.” Virgil deadpanned, staring Patton dead in the eyes, and he giggled.

“Don’t be silly… Come on, my music isn’t that bad!”

Virgil couldn’t quite believe his ears. Maybe they were still bleeding from being subjected to Dolly Parton. “You listen to dad music.”

“Well, yeah, but what else did you expect from your pops-”

Virgil groaned louder, shaking his head. “I- whatever. When’d you even start listening to country music?”

“Nico likes it!” Patton replied, brightly, and Virgil bristled.

“That’s it, Thomas has to break it off.”

It took Patton a second to recognize Virgil was joking, and he started laughing. “Don’t be so judgy! I listen to your music- in fact, I quite like being cautious in the disco.”

“Oh my god.” Virgil pulled his hood down further over his eyes, the secondhand embarrassment hitting him full force. “You’re so old.”

“Now, I know I’m no spring chicken, but that’s hardly a nice thing to say-”

“We are all the same age.” Logan interjected as he walked through the room, gone before Virgil could try and drag the only other sane one around him to his aid.

“Look, Patt- I love you, but Dolly is too far.” Jesus, Virgil was spending too much time with Roman. Dramatic ultimatums weren’t his style at all.

“... How about Country Roads?”

“Jesus Christ.” Virgil sunk further back into the sofa, hoping it’d just swallow him and his smile.

-

“I wanna play a song.”

“Get your own headphones.”

“But yours are so loud, they’re basically speakers! You ever turn them up to full volume while they’re on? How loud are they? Oooh, reckon they could rupture your eardrums so blood would bubble out your ears and trail down your face-”

“Stop.” Virgil interrupted with a grimace, before Remus’ imagination could go anywhere gorier. They’d been at this for ten minutes and his answer hadn’t wavered once. “It’s a no, alright? Just… Go away.”

Remus huffed loudly and dropped onto the sofa next to Virgil. Great. “What do you want?”

“Hmmm… Oh, I can do a list!” Remus declared, and before Virgil could tell him please, god, don’t, he was off. “A pony- to disembowel so I can use its guts for ritual purposes, that one dick in a Russian erotica museum they claim is Rasputins and has magical fertility powers, for Barry Bee Benson to be real so I can fu-”

“Alright!” Virgil shuddered and disconnected his headphones. He didn’t know what Remus wanted to do with a literal bee, and he liked it that way. “There.”

Remus grinned a grin with far too many teeth, just a little too sharp, and Virgil rolled his eyes, waiting for whatever monstrosity he was about to hear.

 There’s some whores in this house, there’s some-

“You did not just play WAP!” Virgil punched Remus in the arm, pulling his headphones off “You- I swear to God, don’t do the dance.”

Remus was already halfway stood up and Virgil quickly pulled him back down. He’d never wanted Remus to stay sat next to him more in his life. (To be fair, it wasn’t something he felt often.)

“But I already know it!”

“Of course you do.” Virgil grumbled, glancing over at Remus. “Why do you have to play… This, up here?”

“Jannie’s kicked me out, you know how he is.”

Virgil blinked at him, regretting what he was about to say before the words even left his mouth. “If I get him to back off, will you keep your music to the dark side?”

“That’s not fun, though! Ooh, wait, Logan likes rap, doesn’t he? Reckon he’d like to see the dance?”

Virgil stared at Remus blankly. “Please, say that was a joke.”

“It wasn’t! If you wanna hear one, though… Ooh, ok. Two kids walk into a hospice- ”

“No.” Virgil interrupted again, although even he had to snort a little at how ridiculous it was. Even if it was also deeply, deeply twisted. “I- look, I’m gonna do it.”

Remus tilted his head further then looked natural. Virgil was pretty sure he heard a crack. “Thought you hated me and Double Dee.”

“I- I’m just doing this for my sanity, alright? And Logans.” Virgil snapped back, avoiding meeting his eyes.

Avoiding things didn’t work with Remus, though, and soon enough he was uncomfortably close, peering right at Virgil with that unsettling grin. “Awww, Purps is being nice to us.”

“Shut up.” Virgil hissed, sinking out before Remus could pry any further. Creativity was so pushy, Jesus.

-

Virgil shuddered. He hadn’t been in the dark side of the mindscape in years and, after so long of the bright upstairs, the dark walls felt a little claustrophobic. He just needed to make this quick.

He strode down the hallway, trying to squash the growing nervousness in his stomach. What was the worst that could happen?

… Literally the worst thing he could’ve asked himself, he realised, speeding up subconsciously. So much could go wrong, while he was down here, and he didn’t even know where Deceit was, what if he tripped and fell and broke something and nobody would-

Piano, faint, made him stop in his tracks.

He wasn’t really an expert in classical music, but this had to be one of the more famous pieces, because he’d definitely heard it before. It was good, though, Mozart or something. Pretty difficult, too.

Exactly the kind of pretentious shit Deceit would play, and kick Remus out to enjoy. (Although Virgil couldn’t really blame him for that second part). Emboldened now he knew he wasn’t alone, and could make some jokes about what a snob he was, Virgil entered the room the sound was coming from.

He paled, because in front of him sat Deceit. At a piano. Playing the song.

“Since when do you play.”

Deceit only glanced up at Virgil, the melody smooth even with the interruption. He hated to admit it, but it was impressive. “Things have been quiet. I had time.”

“Quiet? With Remus?”

“I made things quiet.” Deceit amended, shrugging nonchalantly. Knowing him, it had probably been meant to sound as murder-y as it did. Didn’t stop Virgil from shuddering, anyway, serving as the perfect reminder of just how desperately he wanted to leave.

“Alright, look- whatever plan or plot this is, or is covering up, I don’t care.”

Deceit sighed, looking up at Virgil without faltering the music once. Jesus, he actually was good. “You’re right, I’m incapable of having any interests whatsoever without there being some deep, sinister plot behind it. You’ve spotted my evil plan.”

“I- alright, sarcasm’s meant to be for something obviously not true! That could be true!” Virgil protested, already feeling like he was losing this.

Deceit just raised an eyebrow at him in response, and Virgil instinctively hissed back, feeling more and more like he was backed into a corner.

Deceit had the nerve to laugh at him. “It’s been a while since you’ve done that.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve had to talk to anyone so- so-” Virgil groaned, glaring at Deceit. “Stop playing that stupid thing, would you?”

“Alright.” Deceit agreed, and Virgil waited. He kept waiting. The piano continued and after an excruciating minute of listening for an end, he cursed. Why had Virgil assumed he’d be honest?

“Dick.”

“That is my legal name.” Deceit agreed dryly, and Virgil rolled his eyes. He was impossible to talk to.

“Look, just let Remus back down. He’s probably scarring Logan as we speak.”

Deceit smiled at the thought, looking back down at the keys as he played them. “I never said he couldn’t be down here. Oh, and I’m sure there’s /nothing/ about ‘scarring’ Logan that could’ve appealed to him.”

“What, so Remus lied?” Virgil crossed his arms. Remus was plenty of things, but one of them was painfully, brutally, upfront and honest. “That’s your thing.”

“Not lied.” Deceit tutted, like scolding a child for not knowing something they should have. Virgil clenched his fists. “Just… Was dramatic.”

Virgil tried to figure out what he meant before realising it meant literally nothing, and he glared at Deceit. “Stop being so cryptic for five seconds and tell me, Jesus.”

“I wasn’t aware you cared about him so much.” Deceit smirked, and Virgil threw his arms up in exasperation.

“I’m trying to get rid of him!”

Deceit snickered but finally, mercifully, seemed to have already had his fun. “I didn’t tell him to get out if he couldn’t just be quiet and not…” His smile faltered… “Dance on the piano.”

Yeah, that expression was priceless. Virgil laughed as Janus furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”

“Just… Nevermind.” Virgil was pretty sure imagining that scene playing out was enough entertainment to last him weeks. And a reminder that honestly… Remus didn’t cause as much chaos as he gave him credit for. He was all bark… And plenty of bite, too, but nothing too permanent. “Keep playing, or whatever.”

“You aren’t going to demand I fetch the Duke?”

“He’s not a dog.” Virgil dismissed, resisting a smile at Deceit’s murmured ‘ehhhhh’. “He’ll come back when he wants to. And Logan can look after himself.”

“Amazing.” Deceit sighed heavily. “You wasted my time for nothing, then.”

Virgil could be proud of that, at the very least. He grinned in way of response, sending Deceit a nod before he sunk out.

[lizzibennet]

Honestly, I *DO* like episodes 7, 8, and 9. BUT I would have LOVED if they did everything they did AS PLANNED, and then added the alternatives film (the versions we got) as a bonus. Honestly I hate ROS because Rey is related to HIM. Lbh, NOBODY would have sex with p*alpatine

the problem with episodes 7-9 is that each is a standalone film. that is not a problem in itself since every other star wars trilogy movies could technically be watched as a standalone and with a little context you’d be fine, since they tell an overarching story with three more or less independent characters. episodes 7-9 do not tell an overarching story, they are each chapters to a different telling of rey’s story. ep 7 tells the story of rey nobody, who is both the narrative foil and the in-world counterpart of one of the strongest force users alive, and that’s honestly already a really good premise, buuuuut if we’re going to have a trilogy then that main conflict should be resolved either in the second movie or at the very least in the first half or so of the third because things! need! to! happen! for! a reason! except that they don’t because at the climax of the second film kylo tells rey she’s a nobody, and apparently that changes nothing within her resolve which..... fine, let’s push it and say she’s going to deal with that in the third movie, whatever, but we get to it and actually she’s palpatine’s granddaughter so actually she’s all the jedi which. UGH. the point I’m trying to make is that she is a completely linear character being thrown in three different takes of her story, and I hate to say this because I LOVE her, but after the second movie I totally got it when people said she was a mary sue because her faith in the force and the jedi and her kindness and blahblah NEVER really waivers (except when she gets angry at luke which. saves everyone! how fuckin convenient!) and you could come out and say “lori, if we think like that luke skywalker is also a mary sue”, which, again, don’t get me wrong because he is literally my son but he IS. and in the 80’s that is FINE cause it’s the story we needed - a story about this starry (heh) eyed guy whose unwaivering faith in people and The Magic Around Him™️ may seem a little misguided at first but ends up saving everyone, but that was 40 years ago. and maybe it was silly of me to expect a nuanced take on The Human Specificity Of Empathy from a star wars movie but you know what, I don’t think it was since gareth edwards paved the way with rogue one that is the epitome of analysis of what it really means to be good or bad and I’m not going to rant about how rogue one is the best star wars movie today BUT it set the tone for a less us-vs-them view of the world which was VERY exciting and in line with what I think the 2010-20’s really wants from its heroes in general. so if we want to follow the narrative beats of the first trilogy or at least the first movie (no way of knowing where jj abrams would’ve gone in ep 8) I think that’s fine so as long as you make it your own, and imo jj abrams was, and then rian johnson was like nope lol, and jj abrams tried to fix the narrative 180 rian johnson tried to do, and like. episode 8 is a very fun movie to watch as a star wars fan but narratively it does not make any fuckin sense. I thought so then and now with ep 9 out I think so even more. rian johnson is a very creative guy, he had some REALLY interesting ideas, but WHY give him the creative liberty to do so in the MIDDLEEEEE of the trilogy??? WHY!?!?!? give him a star wars story film! he would KILL it! or you know wait a couple years so the director of the first movie who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing can direct the second, but noooooo the damned fucking mouse wants to wipe his ass with $100 bills so we cannot possibly wait. cohesive storytelling? we don’t give a shit about that in the house of le mouse.

that all to say, there is nothing Fundamentally wrong narratively with either of the three movies. they’re fun to watch. even ep 8, possibly my least fav of the bunch, was a fun experience in cinemas. it’s star wars and disney - they know how to make a blockbuster. the thing is that as a trilogy they simply do not make any sense. if you analyze each movie individually all three seem to have different core themes: ep 7’s is “nobodies are people too actually”, 8 is “maybe space fascists aren’t so bad, actually (also luke is here hey luke)”, and 9 is “I take that back, nobodies aren’t a people actually”. it’s satisfying to watch as a casual spectator who goes to the movies, seems some space gays with one braincell between the three of them and is like coolio and then goes home, but it’s not satisfying to watch as someone even the littlest bit invested in the story because there is no cohesive roundup of everything. the original trilogy was like is luke an idiot for being nice? is vader actually redeemable? is han deserving of trust despite being a space nerf herder? and sometimes u were like what’s happenin!!!! but in the end all your questions are answered quite satisfactorily. luke was right, han is sexy, vader was redeemable. in the prequels: how does anakin skywalker become darth vader? how do he and obi juan become the enemies we see in the death star? what happens to padme? and while the sequels are a beautiful mess that I love they do answer the questions they put out when episode 1 begins, so you know, imagine liking the sequels and hating the prequels when the PREQUELS make more sense, the PREQUELSSSS. anywhomst, point is: the sequels are like here is finn. finn is the first stormtrooper we see the face of! he defects! also the first stormtrooper we se defect. the other defector we know is bodhi from r1, who is very sympathetic despite being imperial, and clearly we’re supposed to feel empathy for finn. finn survives! finn finds rey! go finn I love u! and then. WHAT happens to finn? what furthers his character development into a full fledged person when he starts out with not even a name? where’s his anger? where’s his OBVIOUS narrative direction that should be “ex stormtrooper who shows imperials that fascism is bad actually”? nope, goes almost unmentioned from then on. and again, I love finn, he is literally baby, but he also froze after ep 7 because rian johnson decided to fuck shit up and also because disney is racist. poe? the do-good soldier who is supposed to be the Believer™️? actually he is the only one who was any semblance of a coherent role in ep 8... which is promptly retconned when jj abrams makes him a fucking spice runner in ep 9 lol. who is rey? and they’re like she’s a nobody and that’s why she’s spesh, wait no she is a nobody but she’s spesh because space fascist has the hots for her, oh, no, wait, she’s spesh because PALPATINE. what was the theme of this trilogy? what was the thesis? what questions did they set out to answer and did they answer them at all, never mind well? and it’s unclear, obviously, because three movies with three clearly different views behind them won’t magically make narrative sense just because you are trying to piece them together. they’re not pieces at all, they are three independent takes on the stars and the wars. enjoyable as little snacky treats, not as a three meal course. (also I’m not even going to TOUCH on how what was already a narrative mess was made worse by disney’s NONSTOP fanservice. sw sequels and game of thrones last season are the cautionary tales of why fanservice sucks and while a good, intelligent if cliche or predictable story is always better than a Shocking™️ one that doesn’t make any sense. but if I start on that I will LITERALLY not shut up SO AHEM CONTINUE @LIZZIBENNET)

ALL that to say: I agree w/ u and I LOVE your idea of each movie being an alternative version of the story. honestly, that would make more sense than what we have right now off the bat lol. can you imagine ep 7 being the rose colored version of the story via the heroes’ lenses, and then ep 8 being the “actually space fascism is good if ur kylo ren” version of the story, and then, ep 9 is what actually happened... told by rey nobody, who dances the line between the good and bad until there’s not a line anymore. CHEF’S FUCKIN KISS obviously much more risqué than disney would ever go for, but genius! much better than trying to make us care about these conflicts that they make up in the first 15 mins of each movie. ur mad because episode 7 follows the beats of 4? here’s three movies on why you were wrong when you judged it all true and therefore Bad. HUHU I love that

also the galaxy is a vast place... I am sure there are emperor fuckers out there

[tydelwve]

Withdrawal

Characters: Calum x reader

Word Count: 2727

Warnings: angst is the name. also smut (but not full fledge)

Summary: Calum goes through withdrawals of missing you.

Beta(s): none. all mistakes are mine.

Author’s Note: So basically this fic was born when @cxddlyash​​ asked me to make a fic out of the song Guest Room by Echos[bold]. With the help of supportsos, I was able to make it into the masterpiece it is! ITALICS MEANS PAST. Hope you guys like it! Feedback is always appreciated! enjoy xx

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I know that I'm better off on my own

I wish I’d never let you sleep in my room

Been thinking about a way that I could take back

The night I lost myself in you

“Cal! I’m so glad you’re back!” you got up from the booth to give him a hug and a quick kiss before he sat across from you. “How was tour?”

“It was really good. I missed you a lot,” he playfully pouted, placing his hand on top of yours.

“I missed you, too. I wish I could have come, but my boss…” you paused.

Calum nodded, “Is an ass. I know.”

You both laughed for a few seconds before it fell silent as you enjoy each other’s presence after being away from each other for so long.

“Tell me all about it,” you leaned back with a soft smile.

His eyes widened, “About what? Tour?” He shook his head, “I don’t want to subject you to crazy stories that could possibly take hours to tell.”

“Touring is a big part of your life. I want to know about it!” you remind him and urge him to tell you as much as he wanted.

He let out a sigh and started talking about everything that happened in the past months. You actively paid attention as he told you all the ups and downs that he encountered, sometimes adding your own opinions to make small talk.

After a few hours of catching up on his life and laughing, you guys noticed that it started getting dark.

“I guess we show head out, huh?” you suggest.

“We didn’t even talk about how you’ve been. We talked about me this entire time,” he said in disbelief. 

“We talk about me almost all the time, Cal. I want to get to know you better. Today was meant to be about you. You deserve to talk about anything and everything. I don’t want you to feel like we have to talk about me or you have to just listen to me. I’m here to listen to you, too. Always.”

Calum paused, unsure of how to respond to what you said. Not many people have deliberately told him that they want to hear him speak and value what he has to say. You’re the first girlfriend who’s ever felt the need to let him know that you wanted to get to know him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you asked in concern as you both got up.

“I don’t think anyone has cared about me the way you do before.”

You gently placed a hand on his cheek with a smile. “Your mental health is just as important to me as my own. I’m always going to make sure you’re okay.”

In that moment, Calum swore he fell in love with you. 

You know that every time I hear your name I replay

Your fingertips against my frame and lose faith

Been praying for a way that I could feel saved

But I'll never get over you

Calum had zoned the boys out as he scrolled through his photos, looking at all the old pictures of the two of your together. 

He sadly smiled as the memories of you flashed through his mind at every photo. 

He swore he could hear your voice and feel your touch when he looked at them. It felt as if he could almost relive the moments and be happy again.

His thumb hovered over a video of you two that slowly became his favorite over the time that you were with him.

He hit play, not fully prepared to hear your voice after months of being without you.

You set up the camera with a grin before walking over to Calum and wrapping your arms around him as he made breakfast.

He raised an eyebrow as he glanced back at you with a small smile. “Good morning to you, too,” he hummed.

You placed a kiss on his shoulder blade with a soft sigh. “You’re never up this early. What do I owe this surprise?”

“It’s your big day. You have that final presentation in your class today, right?”

You nodded, “You didn’t have to do this for me, though. I could have had cereal.”

“The key to a good performance is a good meal so go get dressed, and I’ll let you know when breakfast is ready.”

You hummed, letting go of him with a pout. “No kiss?”

Calum chuckled, turning around to give you a quick kiss before turning back.

You walk towards the camera the camera as you say, “I love you.”

“I love you more,” he spoke before the camera cuts.

His head snapped up at the sound of Ashton calling his name. 

“Yeah? Sorry, I’m kind of out of it,” he confessed, sniffling a small bit. 

Ashton gave him a sympathetic look as he sat down beside him. “Maybe you need to get out of your house, Cal. You need some fresh air,” Ashton suggested.

“I just… I miss her. Everything I do reminds me of her.”

Wish that I had never let you love me

Although you said you never did

“I can’t be with you anymore, Cal,” you spoke as you gathered the things you had at his place.

Calum paused in his bathroom door frame as he looked at you. “What?” he softly asked, believing he heard you wrong as he took a few steps towards you.

“I want to break up,” you look at him.

“Did I do something? Tell me how to fix it. I can’t lose you, Y/N,” he ranted, coming up to you as tears formed in his eyes. 

“You can’t fix this.” You picked up your bags and walked out of his bedroom. 

He followed close behind you. “Let me try. I’m not going to just give up on you. How can I fix us?”

You turned around to face him with a shaky breath. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I just don’t want to be in a relationship. I thought I was ready to settle, but I’ve realized that we’ve gotten a lot more serious. I’m not ready for that.”

“Is it because I asked you to move in? Please don’t do this, baby. I love you.”

He rushed in front of the door when he notices you turn back around to leave.

“Look at me. Baby, please.” 

You look up to see the tears rushing down his face. “Let me go, Cal. We’re done. We’re over.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! Okay? I don’t have a good reason. I just know in my heart that you are meant to be something bigger than me. I know in my heart that I can’t see myself having a future with you anymore,” you exclaimed, not caring if the neighbors could hear you.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“Calum, let me go.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t love me. Tell me that you don’t feel the spark when we’re together,” he reaches for your hand, “When we touch. Tell me that, and I’ll let you go. I just can’t let you leave without a fight.”

You took a deep breath. “I don’t love you. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Calum swore he felt the world crumble at his feet as those words left your lips. “Are you serious?” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I never loved you.”

He looked at you in disbelief as he moved out of your way, watching his heart walk out with you.

I wish you would have slept in the guest room

Cause maybe I'd still feel alive without you

I’m pretty sure that all of this was my fault

I'm the one who kissed you first and took my clothes off

Calum rarely found it comfortable in his own bed most nights. You two had been together for so long that he had forgotten how it felt to not sleep beside hold you in his arms at night.

Even after months since you last laid on your side of his bed, it’s still waiting for you to come back and bring warmth.

He found himself sleeping on the couch, so he wouldn’t have to be reminded of one of the best nights of his entire life.

You sat in Calum lap as his hands gripped your waist tightly as he sat with his back pressed against the headboard. Your hands were tangled in his curls as you made out with him.

His hands made their way under your shirt, being a cool touch on your back as they slowly got up to your bra.

You broke the kiss, pausing to gather what was happening.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Calum questioned.

“I’m fine. I’m perfect! I’ve just never-- I haven’t done this before,” you confessed.

Calum’s hand fell back down to your waist, unsure if you wanted to continue. 

“We don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to. I’m fine with stopping here and just cuddling if you want. I don’t want you to feel as if you have to keep going for me,” he rambled, becoming quiet when you placed a gentle hand on his cheek to get him to look at you.

“I want to do this with you, Cal. You make me feel safe.”

Calum softly smiled, “Are you sure?”

You smiled back with a nod, “I love you.”

Calum looked at you in awe as soon as the words left your lips. “Can you say that again?” he requested.

You looked him in the eye as you repeated, “Calum Thomas Hood, I love you.”

“I love you, Y/N,” he confessed, bringing you in for a savory kiss as he maneuvered to get on top of you.

You let out a breathless moan as he moved to you neck, sucking and nibbling at your soft skin. “Make me yours, Calum,” you begged.

Calum shook his head, trying to forget the way you felt around him. 

It so hard to forget the taste of someone he found so intoxicating. 

Even more than that, he missed wrapping his arms around you as you fell asleep with a smile on your face.

You know how to make me feel all alone

But when I'm underneath your teeth it feels just like home

You said we should'nt make love and just fucking

Found another way to heal

The first month after the break up consisted of a lot of sex between the two of you. 

Every time he found himself looking into your eyes, wanting to tell you how much he loves you as he inched his way inside you as he reached his own personal bliss.

He did say it the first coulpe times you’d came by, but you shut him down by saying,  “Just fuck me, Cal.”

He’d gotten used to only being late night sex. Part of him believed that the only way he could get over of you was by literally being on top of you and fucking you senseless.

Yet, every morning when he woke up and you were gone, he felt the hole in his heart get bigger and ache even more.

You know you drain me of myself till I can't see straight

Been thinking 'bout your body in the worst way

Wish that I could remove you from my veins

Cause I'm sick of feeling so betrayed

Calum had been up for the past hour as you slept beside him. His mind was racing. You guys had broken up two months ago, yet here you were in his bed for the fifth time this week.

He ran a hand through his hair as he stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out why he kept letting you waltz in every night when you were horny.

He knew that everytime he saw you at his doorstep with hooded eyes and a skirt way too short to be out in LA, he wouldn’t be able to resist.

He’d let you guide him to his own room, even let you lead the entire night if you asked him with those puppy dog eyes.

He knows how utterly in love with you he’s become, and seeing you wreath underneath on made him want you more. 

He groaned as he got up and went to the bathroom, careful not to wake you.

You phone went off a few times, getting on Calum’s nerves somewhat as he finished up in the bathroom. He walked over to the nightstand as you got a call from a guy named Chase.

He let the call fade out on his own before seeing a few texts from him on your lockscreen.

-Missing you tonight. 

-Definitely missing your taste. There’s still some of you on my fingers. 

-Let me know when you’re done with that bassist ;)

Calum’s heart broke when he read those messages. He thought that what you shared with him was still only his to have. 

Yet, here this Chase guy was ruining you as well. He felt so stupid to believe that you were still his. That he was the only person that got to please you and take you to other highs. 

Why did everything you had with him dissolve into nothing so quickly?

And I thought I'd mean something to you

More than skin to put your skin on

I thought I’d mean something to you

“Hey, Calum, have you seen my phone?” You look around as you walked into the kitchen to see him sitting there with tears threatening his eyes as he handed it to you.

“Chase called you, twice. Left you a couple messages about missing your taste, too,” he spoke barely above a whisper.

You look down at your phone to see the messages on your screen. “You went through my phone? What the fuck, Calum?” you raised your voice.

“I didn’t want to! Your phone was blowing up at 3AM, and you don’t have your messages hidden!”

“That doesn’t mean to take a look! It means to turn my fucking phone on silent, you ass,” you scoff, walking past him.

“I’m just amazed that after being together for two years, you find someone else in two months. Were you cheating on me the whole time we were together?” Calum’s voice cracked as he asked, refusing to turn and look at you.

You paused beside him. “Cal, you know me--”

“Just answer the question.”

You took a deep breath, confessing, “I was drunk the first time it happened.”

“So, it was a regular thing,” Calum threw his hands up, walking away from you. 

“What do you want me to say, Cal?”

“Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why am I still not good enough for you?” he finally look at you as tears fell down his cheeks, “I have done nothing but love you and treat you like a princess.”

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know why I did it. I just did.”

“How long ago did this start?”

“A year or so ago.”

“A year ago, you told me that you were a virgin. Were you lying about that, too.”

“Technically, I was.”

“Technically?”

“I was drunk, so it didn’t count,” you pointed out.

“Being drunk doesn’t just dissipate what you did! You lied to me for half of our entire relationship! You made me feel so special-- so important-- for what? To say that you slept with a celebrity?”

You didn’t respond, knowing you wouldn’t be able to give him the answer he wanted.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” Calum cleared his throat, giving everything in his power to be strong.

“I’m so--”

“You’re not, and we both know it,” he walked past you to open the door for you.

You look down as you took off the necklace he gave you so long ago and handed it to him. “I figure you’ll want this back, too.”

He gently grabbed it from you, watching you walk out and closing the door behind you.

I wish you would've slept in the guest room

'Cause maybe I'd still feel alive without you

I'm pretty sure that all of this was my fault

I'm the one who kissed you first and took my clothes off

~

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