#Worked on this a day before classes started lol (queued post)

[agentc0rn]

🏮Happy 1st anniversary teal mask!! 🏮Thank you for the many cool memories, awesome mons and characters that we met along the way! Ogerpon the iconic 🙌 I’ve met many cool people on here through shared interests in the story, expressed in many fun arrays of art, writing, memes and etc.

[every-sanji]

I don’t have much to say other than I really love your dedication to this, you don’t miss a pixel if it even smells like sanji lmao. You haven’t stopped since I started following you, and I feel like this is an archive the people need. Oda would be proud, I think ❤️ just showing so much needed love your way, have a good day :)

wawawawa thank you!! as thanks i'm gonna give a glimpse into my journey running the blog under the read more :)

this blog has been through a lot of phases at least for me. anyone who has been around since the beginning probably remembers when i still added captions to every. single. post. that eventually evolved into my occasional tag rambles you still see today but the captions ranged from commentary to just random thoughts i was having at the time. for whatever reason i thought i had to caption every post and this lasted for a while until i realized i didnt have to do that and could just post the photo.

also when i first started the blog it was at the very very start of covid and i got very bored because all of my college classes suddenly halved their work load and i had all the time in the world to do whatever i wanted so i instantly threw like 500 posts in my queue and drafts because this was still the era when you had a maximum of 300 posts in the queue. and since you cant reverse chronological sort your drafts, every single day as posts left my queue i would go into my drafts, scroll through all 200 posts in there, and press add to queue for 5 posts to refill it to the maximum.

eventually though i went back to school and suddenly didnt have as much time as i used to so i dropped down to anywhere from 1-3 sanjis a day depending on the era. this is part of why it took so fucking long to get through water 7 and enies lobby because i was going through it 3 posts at a time. i kept the queue barely afloat with like 30 posts at most in my queue and did a chapter or two every week. this period lasted about 3 years as i finished school.

now i should mention that with everything above, i was queueing sanjis from my phone. i didn't have an automatic screenshot clipper on my college laptop so i didn't really have any other choice without going through like 5 extra steps. i went through 4 phones (my first one was a galaxy s8 that i'd had from 2018 all the way until ~2021 when it broke, followed by some notepad phone that just couldn't run games for shit so i immediately turned it back in and went back to an s8 that used to be my mom's which i had until right before i graduated college when the charging port stopped working properly and i finally upgraded to the s22 that i have now). up until about august of *last year* i was making every single post from my phone. after i moved for my summer job last summer i realized my new laptop allows me to clip my screenshots and started queuing things that way.

anyway while i was posting on my phone i did have one brief period for i think a week where my queue ran out and it was during finals for my last fall semester of college since i just had a lot happening. we had a few close calls if anyone remembers summer 2022 when i was going through some stuff irl with a death in the community but it turns out i use this blog to ground myself when i'm feeling bad sometimes lol. funny how that works

well since last summer when i realized it was easier to queue from my laptop i've been doing it like that ever since with only one exception which you might have seen my tags about lol. i had 2 weeks in august this year where i didnt have internet and my queue was running low so i bit the bullet and just added posts from my phone.

as for how i manage to find even the smallest of sanjis: i mostly just skim chapters and try to track his movements between panels. i keep an eye on who sanji is next to and what other landmarks might be there and when the panels zoom out i can normally find him if he's shown somewhere. which leads to those insanely small sanjis that are five pixels tall. it's definitely a skill you have to hone through practice and i'm sure i've missed a few sanjis even doing this but i'm definitely a lot closer to getting every single one. i do sometimes wonder if these gimmick blogs are known outside of the tumblr fandom and if word has made its way back to people involved in the series. this is mostly just a pipe dream and i know its not very realistic but a guy can dream right.

and if you've read this far, just a reminder you can make me post more sanjis a day by donating to any of the gfms in my pinned post! each donation extends the current queue by 2 weeks so you can make me really expedite the process of getting some of these sanjis out there. i'm getting close to being done with punk hazard and i'm so excited to get further

[meltwonu]

|     𝖓𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝖉𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖒     |     CHAPTER 1 

pairing; camboy!seokmin x female!reader

this chapter’s notes; camboy!au, university!au, dirty talk, masturbation, J O I (jerk-off instructions), mentions of name-calling, degradation! 💕 Welcome to neon dream! I’m sooo excited to start this series! 😭💕 I’ve been holding this fic in the drafts since last year too, omg, but finally we’re here! A bit of a slow build but you know how I do~ Hehe! 😈 Thank you all soooo much for your love and support and I know a LOT of y’all wanted to see a camboy!seokmin series after that ‘lil blurb that I literally wrote a year ago. LOL In all honesty, I’ve thought about him so often too 😌💕 and lbr Seokmin’s vlive radio streams... 😏 Heheh... 😏😏 Enjoy chapter one, and have a lovely rest of your day! I love you! 💕

*queued post.

chapters; 1 - ?

Seokmin finishes his shift at the local diner at 8PM sharp - arms tired and legs buckling as soon as he stops in front of the first park bench he sees.

The sun has already disappeared beyond the horizon; dark shades of blues and purples mixing in with the last bits of oranges and reds before it’s completely dark and Seokmin just stares off into the distance with a blank look on his face.  

He’s not mad, just tired as he takes a few minutes to drink in his day.

‘Isn’t this a bit much for vocal lessons?’, he’d asked.

The slightly older male had only shrugged and readjusted his glasses as he sat across from Seokmin. ‘You don’t have to take my lessons. That’s just the price of my time.’

Seokmin groaned, fingertips un-crumpling the flyer in his hands that read ‘Professional Vocal Lessons from Lee Jihoon!’ accompanied by a photograph of the male surrounded by various accolades.

He trusted and respected Jihoon, but it’d been a shock even to Seokmin when Jihoon had written up a formal contract including time slots and varying prices - day and time of the week only making the prices sky-rocket.

“Fuckin’ Jihoon. Not even giving me a friend's discount.” Seokmin mutters, tossing the flyer in the trash as he stands up.

He already worked two different jobs in between going to classes and yet it was barely enough to pay for his classes, rent and bills. Now, it definitely wouldn’t have even been enough to afford Jihoon’s $300 an hour vocal lessons and Seokmin was already out of ideas for jobs.

“What the hell am I gonna do?”

Seokmin spends the night searching for job listings, sending in his CV to anyone willing to take it.

There’s a moment where he pauses to think about the necessity of it all but remembering Jihoon’s recently record deal has him groaning - Jihoon’s time was, unfortunately, worth the money.

“Someone has to hire me…” Seokmin mutters.

His sleepy eyes peer over to the Les Misérables script sitting open next to him on the bed - a frown on his lips when he realizes he hadn’t even gone through any of it for his theatre class tomorrow either.

“Fuck, now I’m not even prepared for class tomorrow!”

You’re late to class. Again.

Soft curses fall from your lips as you run down the hall to the theatre room at the far end of the building.

It’s not the first time and it definitely won’t be the last and you can only grimace when the door creaks loudly and announces your late presence to all the eyes that glance your way in a flash.

Your professor raises a brow and points to the back of the lecture hall; already accustomed to your tardiness as you shoot her a sheepish smile.

You’d just have to set 7 alarms instead of 5 next time.

A sigh escapes you as you take a seat - eyes already on the male that stands next to your professor as soon as you settle in.

“See? Seokmin’s vocal control is superb, one of the best in the class!” She exclaims; praising the blushing male next to her. “Take notes, everyone!”

“Ah, thank you so much, professor!” The male scratches the back of his head in embarrassment before he scurries off to take his seat in the front row.

Not a class went by that didn’t have Seokmin being praised and sometimes, it made you question why he was even in an introductory class when he clearly excelled at what he did.

Not that you minded it though - he was kind and undeniably handsome and always gave you something to look forward to in class.

“Alright, everyone! Let’s get into pairs!”

Seokmin smiles at the old lady taking her laundry out of the dryer at the laundromat - just waiting for her to take her leave so he can empty the quarters out of the machine before moving on to the next one.

“Thanks for coming in!” He exclaims, beaming at the woman as she smiles back.

“Such a kind young man! Thank you!”

It’s a slow paced job and most often than not, he spends it waiting for enough people to use one of the machines before he saunters over to empty it of the change. It’s boring, but the pay is good and he uses the downtime to do class work or play games on his phone.

Today, however, he spends the time in between collecting quarters and studying to look for even more job listings; a sigh on his lips when he reaches the bottom of the page and realizes he’s already signed up for all the ones he was qualified for.

“Why, why, why…” Groaning, he scrolls back up to the top of the website, zoning out on the alternating ADs that pop up.

‘Chat with hot locals in your area! Low prices!’

‘Meet sexy, singles near you!’

‘Looking for a Sugar Daddy?’ 

Seokmin bites the inside of his cheek as he watches the ADs flash on his phone - camming was the one option he maybe had considered a handful of times before discarding the idea all together out of his shyness. Because while he wasn’t unfamiliar with sex, it was definitely a completely different ball park than what he was used to. 

‘Should I really…’ He thinks. 

But Seokmin likes to test his limits and despite him cursing out Jihoon mentally - he’d already picked up a fresh, new flyer before he’d left campus earlier in the day.

He’d just have to do more research when he was in the privacy of his own home.

And Seokmin’s idea of research is hours spent on camming websites - a crimson blush painting his cheeks the entire time he tries to gather ideas.

There’d be couples, threesomes, and loads of solo live streams; all of them making Seokmin gasp and bite his lip at the wide array of content they all seemed to make. From BDSM to even more milder masturbation streams, he noticed that there seemed to be a niché for almost everything. 

He’d already made an account and had a mic for when he’d record song covers and despite most of the live streams he’d seen being video streams - he’d caught a few that were just audio streams. 

Something that he felt more comfortable with.

“Shit, I really need to sleep...” 

Seokmin clicks on one more live stream before he calls it a night; this time of a solo woman on a bed.

The stream lags for a second and Seokmin watches as she slides a dildo into her cunt as he nibbles on his bottom lip. He’d watched porn before but something about it being recorded live had goosebumps rising on his skin as he continued to watch her thrust the toy into her sopping wet pussy.

‘Yeah? You like that? You like sliding your cock into my cunt like the good little whore I am? Fucking my greedy little hole and stretching me out with your big cock?’

Seokmin’s eyes widen at the scene playing out in front of him but he can’t deny the way his cock twitches in his sweats the more she talks. He takes his eyes off of the live stream to look around his room as if anyone else was there before his eyes flit back down to the window open on his screen.

“She’s really good…” Muttering, he slides his laptop off to the side - giving himself the space to palm himself over the fabric of his sweats as he bites his bottom lip.

‘Mmm, stroke your cock for me… Pretend you’re thrusting into my tight, wet ‘lil pussy and really give it to me hard… I wanna feel your cock ramming me until my legs are shaking...’

Seokmin grits his teeth as he gets into it - it’s for research, he tells himself.

His cock is hard by the time he’s shimmying his sweats down and he’s quick to wrap a hand around himself as he starts to jerk himself off with the video going in the back. He’s less concerned about the video as his eyes flutter shut - shirt clamped between his pursed lips as he moans into the fabric.

He smears the precum down his shaft before keeping his fingers wrapped firm around the base; teasing himself as a thrum of arousal pours down his body.

‘Look at how your cock fills me up so good... Squeeze your cock like it’s my pussy sucking you in deeper… Ah, look at it, your cock is going so deep in my pussy... I can feel you in my stomach...’

Gulping, Seokmin follows the directions; hips thrusting up into his tightly closed fist as his brows furrow.

Would it really be this easy?

‘Are you gonna cum soon? I wanna feel you cumming inside my filthy ‘lil hole… Want you to cream inside me and make a mess… Make me your whore...’

Seokmin grits his teeth as he whimpers into the material clamped with between his lips - he was already close to an orgasm and it hadn’t even been that long.

His hips thrust up as he tightens his grip around his cock - the sounds of his wet, precum slicked palm sliding up and down his shaft mixing in with the audio pouring out from his speakers.

And for once, Seokmin is glad he lives alone.

‘Won’t you cum for me? Give me your hot cum, fill me up until it’s pouring out of my slutty cunt…’

The rest is a blur to Seokmin as he races towards an orgasm; quick flicks of his wrist sending him over the edge as he cums all over his hand and lower abdomen. 

Hot rivulets of cum cover his warm skin as he moans and throws his head back against his pillows - cock throbbing in his enclosed fist as he rides out his pleasure.

‘God, she made it seem so easy,’ he thinks, ‘Maybe I won’t be so bad?’

The next night is when Seokmin decides to try it; determination in his eyes when he sets up his mic and makes sure there’s nothing on his profile that’s too specific.

He decides to go by the name ‘Dokyeom’ online - opting to only put a photo of his lips curving up into a smirk as the profile photo in hopes of hiding his real identity.

Seokmin goes as far as to make sure any and all cameras are covered by stickers on the off-set chance something goes wrong and he takes a deep breath before he hovers the cursor over the big red ‘REC’ button.

He’d spent all day working up the courage to finally do it and despite not knowing how well it’d go, he also had received at least four rejection emails earlier in the day which had already put a gloomy cloud over his head.

Fuck it.

There’s a loud click from his computer mouse as he presses the button and his breath hitches as soon as the screen reads ‘I’m Live!’ in bright red text at the top right-hand corner.

He’d named his live stream something simple for now, just a ‘Get to know me ;)’ scrolling along the bottom of the blank window.

But despite the lackluster title, zero followers, and no posting history, he gets a few people in his live stream as the number jumps from zero to three.

user438753: what is this ?

user092128874: whys the screen blank

anonymous87573: hello??

His cheeks bloom into a pale pink - bottom lip quivering as he gulps into the mic.

“Shit, sorry!” Fumbling with his setup, Seokmin’s clammy palms readjust the mic as more people enter his live. “I’m new to this so you’ll have to forgive me…”

user59574: damn ur voice is rly nice tho

anonymous94873: what are you good at, daddy? ;)

b@d_dream: we don’t get a lot of audio only streams on here much anymore so I’m looking forward to what you can do 😏

Seokmin’s blush only intensifies the longer he reads the comments and his only thought is, ‘should I really do this?’ before he panics and ends the live stream right then and there - screaming into his empty bedroom as he rakes his hands through his black and blue hair.

“What the fuck am I doing!?”

He tugs on his hair as he stands up, manic laughter on his lips as he watches the blank screen read ‘Live Ended. 6 viewers, 6 comments.’

“What the fuuuuuuck…” He exhales harshly as he takes a seat back in front of his setup; making sure the mic was off before he simmers in his thoughts.

No, it definitely was not as easy as the woman from the night prior had made it seem at all.

But Seokmin can't help but laugh a little at his situation; why had he even thought it’d be easy when he'd never even done it before anyway?

A notification pops up at the bottom of the screen and tugs Seokmin from his thoughts as he sighs.

‘1 New Follower.’

He clicks on the notification; eyebrows furrowed when he sees the notification and the comment left with the follow.

b@d_dream has followed you!

b@d_dream: that was cute and kind of funny 😂 looking forward to seeing what else you can do if you ever get to it 😊

Seokmin goes headfirst into his desk - a loud thud resounding in his quiet bedroom as he groans out of embarrassment.

Maybe he had to try something else.

[arofili]

how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community, 

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

[expirisims]

I didn’t feel like playing much the last couple of days, but I like to keep several days worth of posts queued up so I decided to play a little last night and OOOHHH the DRAMA!!  The sims in this town are starting to get out of control LOL!  It will be a few days before that part of the play through posts.  I have on the side been working on some other projects as well though that I am also excited about!  

I have begun to make some base sims and backstories for my planned medieval play through in @nornities and @simsmidgen ‘s Praaven Reworked which is, of course, a rework of the original by @potato-ballad-sims.  I am making base sims and will not begin actual playthrough until I have at least played all of my households in Thicket.  This is mainly because I have an entirely separate CC folder for Praaven being I intend to play it as realistically as possible including utilizing a tax and class system that is based off of the actual feudal system of Medieval Europe.   I will be using several specialized mods and careers ect..not to mention the clothing and hair for all!  I hope to be posting a few pictures some time in the near future!

I have also decided that I am ready to start on a new world of my own!  I am planning on a much smaller world.  I am aiming to make an island with possible access to the coast of a neighboring continent.  I have a name in mind already and am going to experiment with a type of city planning where basically everything you need is on each block.  Now I don’t want 50 schools and grocery stores of course, so I am going to plan to put a rabbit hole or two on each city “block”.  Now mind you I have not even installed CAW on my new computer yet so I am basically just in the process of planning and gathering reference images for inspiration (in other words it will be quite a while before I even have anything from the new world to put on Tumblr), but I’m pretty excited to be starting another project!

[thirsttrapholland]

What Happens in the On-Call Room

Requested?    Yes  

By: anonymous

Pairing: Doctor!Tom x Doctor!Reader

Anonymous said to thirsttrapholland:

hello love! wondering if doc!tom interested you, like idk he fucks her in the toilet or smthn and he gets paged for surgery idk

Warning(s): Smut, adult language, Dr. Holland making you swoon, I think that’s about it.

Word Count: 2050

A/N: Alright y’all, I don’t know jack about doctors or the inner workings of hospitals except for what I learned from Grey’s, Scrubs and the occasional episodes of General Hospital I used to watch with my grandma after school,lol. So, if I got any details or lingo wrong, please forgive me.

Changed it up just a little bit anon. I hope you like it.   Feedback is always appreciated.

You had promised yourself that you would never fulfill the cliché of overworked, stressed out and sleep deprived doctors that had neither the time nor energy to maintain real relationships and instead took sexual solace in a colleague they might not even like or barely knew just to stave off boredom, loneliness and to feel something at least akin to a real human connection.

And yet, just like something out of a particularly shitty and depraved episode of Grey’s Anatomy, there you were on the lumpy sofa in the on-call room being fucked senseless by Dr. Thomas Holland.

You had been stretched out on the sofa trying to recall from the abnormal psych class you’d taken as an undergrad, just how many hours a person could go without sleep before they started to hallucinate.

You were over halfway through your second 12-hour shift of the week and despite how bone tired and weary you were, sleep seemed to be eluding you.  You had just started to drift off for the first time in you couldn’t remember how long, when the door to the on-call room banged open and you heard someone walk in. You opened your eyes to find the infamous Tom Holland standing over you.

Dr. Holland was known all around the hospital for three things.

Number one, was his impeccable bedside manner.  He really had a way with people.  He was both incredibly charming and had a soothing presence.  He possessed an innate ability to calm even the most terrified patient or family member. He never talked down to his patients but explained exactly what would take place during their surgeries in a way that they could understand and patiently answered all their questions.  Most of the hospital staff was convinced that most of his patients were at least half in love with him by the time they were released.

 Secondly, he was the youngest and most arrogant cardiothoracic surgeon on the staff and that was really saying something.  Most surgeons were at least a little bit arrogant by nature; it was hard not to be when you were responsible for people’s lives.  Probably a little hard not to develop an outsize ego when you literally held other people’s hearts in your hands on a regular basis.

Even you yourself weren’t immune to having your head up your own ass on occasion; so, the fact that his cockiness stood out in a building full of doctors really kind of said it all.  He was very good at what he did and wasn’t about to let anybody forget it.

And finally, it wasn’t just patients who were taken in by his charming bedside manner.  If all the talk around the halls was to be believed, Tom had a cut a swath through the hospital, counting nurses, fellow doctors and maybe even an administrator or two among his conquests.  He never really dated anybody; it was more just random hook ups.

Of course, hospitals were worse than the average high school cafeteria when it came to being a breeding ground for rumors, so who even knew how much of the gossip was true.  Dr. Holland had been the attending on a couple of your intakes and there had been a few moments that if you squinted hard enough, he might have been flirting with you but for the most part he was always professional.

Which is not to say that you were immune to his charms; not at all.   Tom was handsome and that was just a fact.  Big brown eyes, thick wavy dark brown hair, killer cheekbones, a ridiculous jawline and the kind of smile that could literally light up a room.  The kind of soft, gentle voice that could probably talk you into damn near anything if he wanted to. So, if people really were queuing up to be next in line, you got it.

In fact, if you were being honest with yourself, you knew that if he ever made a move on you or if an opportunity presented itself, there was a very high chance that you would say yes.  You just weren’t going to go out of your way to be the latest notch on his bedpost.

You gave up on the notion of getting any sleep as you swung your feet off the sofa to make room for Tom to sit down.  “What are you doing here?”  His casual street attire, a plain black t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans, was a tip off that he was no longer on the clock.  “Didn’t your shift end a couple of hours ago?”    

“It did but the patient I operated on earlier should be coming around sometime soon and I promised her I’d be here when she woke up.”

As many physical assets as Dr. Holland had, you thought that perhaps the most attractive thing about him was just how much he genuinely cared about his patients.  

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence to pass by a patient’s room and see Tom sitting on the edge of their bed, regaling them with some ridiculous story, sneaking them an extra pudding cup from the cafeteria or simply just holding a hand.  

You could tell from the dark circles under his eyes just how tired he was. He should have been at home in his own bed, but he’d promised a patient that he would be here, so here he was.

“You look dead on your feet.  It’s really nice of you to wait for your patient to wake up.”

“Well, I promised.”  His face lit up with a wicked grin.  “Besides, I’ve got the next two days off.”

“Oh screw you, Holland.”  Time off was a rare and precious commodity and your next day off seemed a lifetime away.  You couldn’t even pretend not to be jealous.

Tom let out a chuckle as he flopped down next to you on the sofa.  “Sorry if I woke you up.”

“Don’t worry about it. The chances of me actually falling asleep were fairly slim anyway.”  You leaned your head against the back of the sofa.  “I’m just gonna rest my eyes for a few minutes though.”

“You don’t mind if I sit here with you, do you?” Tom asked.

“Of course not.”  You stifled a yawn with your hand as your eyes once again slid shut.

You awoke with a start.  You were slightly disoriented as your brain made the transition from sleeping to being fully conscious.  Your surroundings suddenly came into focus and you remembered that you were in the on-call room.  

What you were having more trouble comprehending was why there was an arm around your shoulders and whose warm solid chest your head was resting against.   You slowly sat up and looked up into the face of the person you’d been using as a pillow.

Tom grinned down at you.  “You’re awake.”

“I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“You were out like a light about two seconds after you claimed you were just ‘resting your eyes’.  Next thing I knew your head had lolled over onto my shoulder.

“This is so embarrassing.”  Of all the people to fall asleep and probably drool on.  “Why didn’t you move me?”

Tom reached out and stroked a stray strand of hair off your forehead.  “I didn’t mind.”  It was such a simple gesture but it stirred something inside of you that you couldn’t explain.

You could blame sleep deprivation.  You could blame the fact that you hadn’t even been on a decent date, let alone had sex in far longer than you wanted to think about.  You could even blame the fact that you kind of, lowkey had a crush on him.

Whatever the reason, a switch had been flipped in your brain and suddenly, having Dr. Thomas Holland on top of you, inside of you seemed like the best idea in the world.  The lusty gaze in his dark eyes let you know that he had reached a similar conclusion.

Tom tore off his own t-shirt before making quick work of your clothes, as he pulled off your underwear and scrub bottoms and tossed them onto the floor.  He fished a condom out of his pocket and handed it to you before hurriedly shoving his jeans and boxer briefs down to his knees.

You licked your hand and pumped his cock a few times with your spit slicked palm before tearing the condom wrapper open with your teeth and rolling it smoothly down over his hardness.

Tom peppered kisses down your neck and across your exposed collarbones as he settled his slender hips between your open thighs and teased your clit with his cock; tapping against the swollen nub and making you squirm beneath him.  You gasped and dug your short blunt fingernails into the firm flesh of his lightly freckled shoulders as he finally slid inside your already slick walls.  He slowly pulled halfway out before thrusting back in and bottoming out.

You pulled his bottom lip between your teeth before sucking his tongue into your mouth, the two of you exchanging wet sloppy kisses as you tangled your fingers in his soft hair and pulled; the way he moaned against your lips let you know how much he liked it.

You wrapped your legs around his waist; your ankles crossed behind his back, locking him in place as he moved deep inside you.  

Tom buried his forehead against the crook of your neck as he took one of your hands in his and held it above your head; your fingers intertwined with his.  

You could feel him twitching inside of you and knew he was close.  You brought your free hand down between the two of you and started to rub your clit.  Tom’s strokes came harder and faster until all the tension that had been building in your body exploded; the fluttering and clenching of your wet inner walls spurring him right behind you into his own release.

The spasms in your body had barely subsided when you were brought out of your post coital bliss by the hospital’s blaring PA system.

“Dr. Holland, please report to 445-C.  Dr. Holland, you’re needed in 445-C.”

The loud announcement was like a splash of cold water to the face, bringing you back to your senses as your stomach dropped with the realization of what you had just done.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that in all honesty, you barely even knew.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that you barely even knew while you were at work and on duty.

You’d just had sex with a colleague that you barely even knew, while you were at work and on duty in a room with an unlocked door that anyone could have walked into at any time.

One quick glance at Tom’s face let you know that he was coming to the same realization.  He stood up and dropped the cum filled condom into the trash can before he hastily pulled up his boxers and jeans.  “That should be my patient, I need to go.”  He grabbed your scrubs and underwear off the floor and handed them to you.

Overcome with a sudden wave of modesty, you waited until he turned his back to put his shirt back on before you shimmied into your underwear.  You couldn’t help it  as you thought to yourself, ‘Is that it? Wham, bam and not even a thank you, ma’am?’

You were just about to step into your scrub bottoms when Tom turned back to you.  “What time are you off?”

You regarded him with a slightly suspicious expression on your face before answering.  “Two a.m. Why?”

“I was just wondering if you might like to grab a cup of coffee with me.”  When you didn’t answer right away, Tom raked his hand through his hair and shook his head. “Okay, that was really stupid. Last thing you probably want at two o’clock in the morning is a cup of coffee.”

You had never known Dr. Tom Holland to be anything less than confident so to see him like this, nervously asking you out for a cup of coffee, it was kind of endearing.

“Yes.”

He looked up, a grin growing across his face.  “Yes?”

“Yes, I’d love to get a cup of coffee with you.”

“Okay then.  Meet you back here in a few hours?”

“Sure, it’s a date.”  You instantly regretted the words as soon as they were out of your mouth. You didn’t want him to think you were trying to make this more than what it was.  You were wishing you could take the words back into your mouth when Tom flashed his beautiful smile at you.

“Yeah.  It’s a date.”

[miximax-hell]

...This should have been published the 10th of January. I queued it ages ago (back when my last post was published), but Tumblr farted and decided not to post it. Which is just fantastic. It’s not the first time it decides to screw up the queue, but it’s the first time it happens to me on this blog. So annoying. This means it’s coming a few days late, but I hope you all still had a fantastic EnYaga Day!

As I prepared for True EnYaga Day back in October, I found again this old doodle of mine--the base for what would later become the final design of EnYaga. I thought it might be fun to share it and use it as an excuse to talk about this subject AGAIN, and... that was good enough for me, really.

You guys know me and there’s probably very little reason to do so, but I have never really talked about the reasons behind this miximax, have I? Well, if there is a day to indulge in that, it’s EnYaga Day, so let’s get to it!

As usual, more under the cut.

Despite Tumblr’s betrayal, this does have a perk: I get to revise this post before it’s published, which is great, because I’m happy to report that things are better now than when I first wrote it. In the original version, I mentioned that my life at the time was a little... paused, so there wasn’t really a lot to say. Among the only news worth sharing, I sent an oil painting to a friend a couple of months ago and it arrived very fast and completely safe, so that was great! It was a Professor Layton-themed painting, but now that I don’t have it at home anymore, I’m tempted to make another one... (If I do, chances are more FudoLay content will arrive here swiftly after lol) Other than that, I’d just started my classes again, but I was still desperately looking for a job. At least, classes made me feel like I wasn’t completely wasting every single day, so I was more cheerful than I was during summer. (Funny, because my group of friends at uni used to say that they could only smile during summer, but I was pretty miserable during those months. ww;)

Thankfully, though, I can say I now have a job! And it’s great!! ...The conditions aren’t so great, but at least I’m back to work as a game designer. I’m learning so much and I feel very motivated to work, even if it’s technically a collaboration and I will only get money once the game is published--in other words, when the game starts bringing money our way. This is far from ideal, but I honestly had no other options and I’m having a blast working on this, so I hope something cool will come out of it! For now, I would ask you to keep your eyes on Eskema Games and maybe check out the company’s latest game, Delta Squad? I had absolutely NOTHING to do with that game because it was released way before I joined, but supporting it supports the company I work for, which always comes in handy! It also underperformed, so it could use all the love you guys can give it.

Also, let me quickly point something out: about a year ago, an anon asked me if i was going to include Danganronpa characters in this project. The question is here, in case anyone needs a reminder: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/181991994534/hey-there-since-youre-doing-miximaxs-with-game Well, I FINALLY got my hands on the DR Trilogy for PS4, so I’ll be looking into that and seeing what I can find! If that anon is still around, I hope I can make them happy.

But let’s cut to the chase already!

As I always make sure to clarify, yes, I do massively ship Endou and Yagami. But there’s thankfully much more to EnYaga (the miximax--if I need to talk about the ship again, I’ll just call it Endou x Yagami) than just “yeah, I ship them.” In order to understand the reasons behind this combination, though, we must venture into two very different subjects: what reasons there are to choose Yagami to begin with, and the life story of yours truly. I swear both are important to get the full picture, but I’ll keep the latter as brief and free of unnecessary information as possible, even if it’s definitely the longest and most complex part. So, without any further ado, let’s see what makes this miximax valid within the logic of this project.

A big chunk of what makes EnYaga work was explained exactly three years ago, here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/131215636268/when-the-king-enters-the-room-the-world-stops-and

The tl;dr would be that Endou plays as a goalkeeper, but also as a libero! Being such radically different positions, it’s to be expected that he would need two different miximaxes, because it would be rather difficult to find an aura that improves his field skills (shooting power, speed, etc.) and his goalkeeping abilities at the same time. Thankfully, Yagami gives him the exact abilities a good libero needs to be able to excel--especially when that libero has the pressure of being part of most of the strong hissatsus the team can pull off. So, for more info on EnYaga’s powers, please check the link above. (And note that, of course, this miximax only marginally improves Endou’s goalkeeping capabilities.)

I have also talked in length about the relationship between Endou and Yagami, but here’s a very brief summary. During the in-game events of IE2, Endou gave Yagami hope when all she wanted was to die to atone for her sins, thus saving her life in the process. In return, she wanted to give him the strength to fight when he needed it most as a way to repay his kindness towards her.

Yagami’s innate abilities and the bond they share are the more logical reasons behind this miximax. There is, however, one extra reason to include this miximax in the project.

There have always been three main rules here when it comes to choosing auras:

1. Only characters that come from universes predominantly inhabited by humans (or very human-like creatures, like Zelda’s Hylians).

2. Only one character from every franchise, unless they are Level-5 franchises. In that case, I may use up to two per franchise. Examples of this are Danball Senki/Little Battlers eXperience (with Toramaru and Megane) and Professor Layton (with Fudou and Shishido).

3. One aura coming from every single (and proper) Inazuma Eleven game on the market. Those being Inazuma Eleven, IE2: Fire, IE2: Blizzard, IE3: Spark, IE3: Bomber, IE3: Ogre, IEGO: Light, IEGO: Dark, IEGO Chrono Stone: Raimei, IEGO Chrono Stone: Neppu, IEGO Galaxy: Supernova, IEGo Galaxy: Big Bang, Inazuma Eleven Strikers, IE Strikers 2012 XTreme, and IEGO Strikers 2013. I’m not counting Everyday, SD nor unreleased titles. So far, I have 7 out of 15.

From the beginning, I have wanted Endou to have nothing but Inazuma Eleven-only miximaxes. I mean, he’s the main character and all!

Needless to say, Yagami is part of the Inazuma Eleven miximaxes--in fact, she takes the IE2 Blizzard spot, if anyone is curious about that very specific detail. She is obviously a very predominant character in that game, having a relevant impact during the final match against The Genesis and even (spoiler alert for a 10 years old game) by injuring Kazemaru earlier, because he didn’t just leave like he did in the anime--Yagami sent him to the hospital when he started matching The Genesis’s power. Since she’s a main character in that game, and considering that many of the other important characters introduced in it become part of the teams that make up this project (such as Hiroto, Midorikawa and maaaybe Saginuma), Yagami was the perfect candidate. She was also arguably the strongest among the remaining main characters of IE2, and the only midfielder. Not to mention the bond she shares with Endou, which only rounds it all up even more.

So, as a brief summary, Yagami is an Inazuma Eleven character (which is exactly what I wanted for Endou) and a very strong player, she provides Endou with everything he would need to be a good libero (incredible speed, great shooting strength, being a midfielder and the stamina that inherently comes with it, powerful hissatsus, and so on), she shares a canonical bond with Endou, the contrast between their personalities is super interesting to explore, and there are reasons why even she would want him to take her power. He can hardly have it better! It makes a lot of sense, and it’s all heavily based on canon, so I don’t need to explain much in that regard. That’s always convenient.

But there is another side to all of this. My side.

I first started working on miximaxes with the idea of only making 4 or 5. I simply meant to give extra love to some of my favourite characters to make myself and a few friends happy. This never became a full-fledged project until my good friend Heather, who used to be on Tumblr under the username @ishidoshuuji, said she wanted to be able to reblog the Seitei x Yuuichi miximax I had drawn for her. In other words, this: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/129863262149/well-it-was-about-time-i-started-using-this-blog

Before that, miximax-hell used to be a private blog: one of those you can only check out if you have the password. I never thought ANY stranger would be interested in it, so why expose myself like that? It would only make me feel bad. I could have never imagined over a hundred people would follow me here, and even less so considering that only about 10 of my friends follow this blog. So I have to thank Heather because, even if 100 isn’t a big number at all here on Tumblr, I still appreciate each and every person who stops by and it’s helped me meet some incredibly lovely people.

Back to the subject, though. This story is directly linked to MamoDai’s. The important part of it was that EnYaga’s design isn’t mine, and so isn’t MamoDai: the former is completely not mine (even if, as the sketch above suggests, the concept was first doodled by me), while the latter was only partially mine. The thing, though, is that the same person made EnYaga and “collaborated” on the creation of MamoDai, which meant I let them into this very personal solo project twice. If you want to check out the full story, though, you can read it here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/142160652319/you-should-have-seen-this-one-coming-come-on

As I was saying, miximax-hell is a solo project. It’s something for me to enjoy, for me to think about, for me to develop, for me to improve at designing character, and for me to decide on. I set the rules and I come up with suitable matches--or what I think are suitable matches, that is. ww I’m definitely open to suggestions if anyone is willing to share their thoughts with me, and fanart is always, always, ALWAYS welcome, of course, but I don’t borrow other people’s ideas nor designs. Not because those designs and ideas aren’t fantastic, nor because I’m not allowed to, but because the point of this blog is to have fun and improve my skills. If I don’t do it myself, it’s kind of pointless, so I prefer a bad design made by me over a great design by someone else. Also, if people were to check all of these things out, I wanted it to be because of my work, not because someone super well-known was part of it and people were desperate to get more content from them.

When I first came up with this project, though, someone very close to me wanted to be part of it. Not because they found it interesting per se, but simply because it was mine. I had previously declined an offer to join one of their projects because I lacked the necessary skill, so they wanted to join mine instead. And don’t get me wrong--I appreciate the interest even now! But, again, it beat the point and I had to refuse. Looking back, I’m very glad I didn’t give in, but I felt awful back then and this person must have felt really bad too.

That’s why I made that exception and suggested, “Hey, why don’t we create a miximax together?” That’s how MamoDai was born. But while the interest in working on MamoDai seemed... scarce, this person came up with and gave me something out of their own accord: the EnYaga miximax design I still use to this day.

Now, here’s the thing: EnYaga was a proper gift that person made for me, and I always honour gifts. If it had been a random doodle, like I have received others in the past, it would have ended there. But when someone puts true effort and time into making something especifically FOR ME, regardless of what happens between us later, I still treasure it forever. And this gift came from a person who, apparently, really wanted to be part of this project when I first came up with it, which, honestly, put me in a tight spot. The least I could do was accept this design, which I loved almost as much as I loved them, and incorporate it to my lineup.

EnYaga was going to happen regardless, because I was working on it myself, but this person beat me to it (with such incredible quality, too, which I would never be able to hold a candle to) and, after what I made them go through with my continuous rejections, I had to honour them somehow. It was my way of saying, “I can’t let you do this for me, but I deeply appreciate the thought.”

This person is now out of my life, though. This means that, honestly, I could just get rid of the design. They would never know, and I would be happier with something of my own even if it sucked in comparison. They would never feel offended either--not like they would even if they knew, because it’s obvious they don’t care about me anymore. It would be easy and 100% painless for all parties involved.

But EnYaga is a token of the bond we once shared and I treasure that, even though I don’t want anything to do with that person anymore. It portrays the fun and happy times, not the sad and bitter ending. Happiness is always something worth remembering, isn’t it? And maybe, just maybe, thanks to the wonderful people I’m close to and my eternal love towards Endou x Yagami, I might one day be able to completely forgive the bad and focus on the good, so I can smile when I look at EnYaga and think of this person. I look forward to a day when there isn’t an ounce of bitterness left in my heart (although I am one revengeful and spiteful piece of poo, so it might never happen). And for that possibility alone, it might be worth it to keep making this one exception and let this miximax be someone else’s. Especially now that I have DoYaga to call my own.

So that’s it, folks: not only do Endou and Yagami make for a sick combination in theory, but it’s also a miximax with deep sentimental value for me in so many different ways. So even if it had been someone else’s idea and the two characters were a terrible match in all senses, chances are I would have still kept it. Thank goodness it wasn’t the case. ww

And all because I didn’t finish the design fast enough on my own. May that be the lesson to learn from this: hurry the heck up, self.

[seesarahaccomplishstuff]

Therapy today helped a bit.

I told my therapist how I’ve been having intense breakdowns since Monday and haven’t been doing okay.

She asked what happened and I told her how I thought the childhood stuff wouldn’t bother me because it was so long ago, but it’s so frustrating to see how much my parents fucked me up. And now there’s this huge list of ways I’m broken that won’t stop growing. And it’s my entire personality. And more people are leaving and that triggered my anxiety, and someone that I’m trying to trust massively crossed a boundary that made my rejection issues even worse.

So she nodded and said “you have a lot to work on. And you really jumped all into it, which is really great, but you’re going to feel like you’re losing for a while. It’s going to overwhelm you a lot. And it’s going to feel easier to lock yourself in your room and off yourself.” (Which I didn’t expect her to say, but she’s right) So I said, “I just don’t fully see the point in trying to fix 30 years of broken.”

“What’s wrong with your personality?” “It’s all fucked up. Everything I do is codependent.” “Sure. Give me an example.” And I couldn’t think of one offhand, so I said, “the thing I realized the other day was I do something for someone because I care right? Which is fine. But also when people are stressed about their situation they get mad. And when that happens I get snapped at and shoved away. So I help to avoid that too I think.”

She was not sold on that. “You used to buy dinner for friends a lot. You did that so you wouldn’t get in trouble?” “No. I did it because I like when people do nice things for me and they don’t always make sure they can eat so I do it so they feel cared about and are healthy.” “That’s just being kind. When you would pay a bill for them they typically pay it right back. So is that codependent?” “No. They need help so I help and they pay it back.” “The times you did it when you didn’t have money to spare. (Which I argued and she called me out lol) The times you let them blow off repaying- that was codependent. You do have a lot of codependent tendencies. But kindness is inherently codependent. You can’t rip apart any time you’ve shown someone kindness. Your biggest codependency issue is not holding boundaries for yourself.”

“You need to repeat the phrase ‘People treat you the way you’ve taught them to treat you’.” “My friend used to say that to me at least once a week.” “Yea well, they’re smart and we’ve covered that you needed to listen to what they’d tell you more than you did. You also need to remember that you don’t control other’s emotions. And other people don’t control yours.”

“People think you’re manipulative and controlling. That’s what they’ve taken from your behavior. You can’t control that. You know it’s not what you intended. You know you’ve been improving for many months. I know you have. But you made them feel a certain way and their opinions didn’t change. You can look at that and acknowledge it and re-examine your behavior like you are. But you can’t change their minds. And their feelings don’t make you that person. So fixating on it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

And then she asked me if I was doing all of this for me or them and I told her I’m having a hard time prioritizing myself. That it pisses me off when people pull the “great pain means great growth. You’ll look back and smile” bullshit. Because the way this feels is terrible and I hate it. So, I know I can’t change anyone’s view of me, but I’m doing all this to try and be who I wanted to be for people who had to leave because of my behavior. And she accepted that.

I also have to start some EDM... pretty sure it’s 4 letters. It’s something to work through past trauma. She said she’d send videos to watch. My alanon group leader asked if she did that sort of thing last week so I guess that’s just where we are. Wait lol... edm is music lemme actually Google the acronym so I seem less ignorant. EMDR, damn dyslexia. Anyway. That.

But basically, I need to really work to not shred myself when I’m low. It’s gotten bad. I also need to start on my books that came yesterday. 2/3 are here. She wants me to try and list my codependent behaviors. I also need to start painting and journaling again. I like this outlet and it’s easiest for my brain, but the way I was doing it all in my watercolor notebook was really therapeutic. It’s just been a bitch of a week.

I’ll be fine and I feel less like having a breakdown or dying. I think I know another thing that is really fucking with me through everything, but I don’t feel comfortable posting it here right now I think. I also can’t do anything about it.

Last night in alanon a woman said “when one door closes another one opens, but the hallway is hell.” And like, yea. Fuck dude. I took a psych class once where the teacher had a gazillion psych type degrees and would open the class with us getting to ask about mental health shit. And one kid asked if it was possible to change personalities. And he said “sure, but you usually see it following a trauma where it rewrites your thought processes. Because it’s hell to do otherwise, and a lot of people can’t handle it.” And I get it now. I thought he meant habits and comfort zones. But it feels like being handed a pile of shards that used to be your brain and given a timelimit to reassemble it. But half the pieces are trauma copies and you have to figure out which parts are imposters, but they actually fit better than the pieces that should be there. And if you fail you lose everything.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. I queued a couple posts last night so you might see random downers, but what I’m thinking of doing is only reblogging positive stuff, and queueing negative stuff that resonated for like, 7am. And I say that because sometimes I rescroll my blog to recount the day or previous day to either feel good with the good posts again or reevaluate the things I’ve said the day before. Since with my mood they don’t always apply still or I may have a totally different approach at that thought. And I do that when I go to bed around 2. So at 7 I won’t be seeing negative shit right before bed. Cuz I’ve fallen asleep and woken up bitter the last few days.

We’ll see. I have lots to do today. I’ve been off twitter so no children have reminded me to do my taxes. I also have to get a new phone today so I’m fully out from under my mother. And I have insurance stuff and inspection cleaning to tackle. It’s only 1 and I’m ready to call it a day.

I hope what my therapist said helps anyone else who is struggling. I like hearing the lines that have stuck with patients and really helped them. So when it doesn’t fuck with me I’d like to be open about what I discuss in therapy. I always used to think it’d solve so many of my problems if I could send my friends zoom links of my sessions since I’m so bad at expressing myself lol. So this is also a bit of an exercise for me to be more outspoken about my feelings (if this bothers anyone you can send an anonymous ask) And therapy isn’t accessible to everyone so maybe it gives someone what they need to go forward a bit in their struggles. (Alanon and CoDa are free and on zoom now though! Definitely look into it if it applies to you!)

There’s a line in a bts song. Idk which one honestly, Ik it’s in the BE photo book though I can post a pic. It comes to mind because my friend would write it a lot when they first heard it. And it’s something like “sometimes we get to know that broken is beautiful”. My therapist today said “you are broken, everyone is. And no one is as broken as they think they are.” I hope one day this feels like a beautiful moment in my life and not the purgatory it feels like. I hope I grow enough for it to be worth it.

[p0cketdiary-blog]

My concert experience! [Pt. 2]

Oh hi there~!! 🤓

Now that the previous post on how I reacted when I found out about the tour dates announcement, is out of the way!! We will now very quickly fast forward >> to the whole ticketing shebang!! The ticketing day was announced to be on the 27th of October, a Saturday at 10AM. Thankfully (and surprisingly!!) my tutorial class was cancelled that day - hence I got to stay home to try and make sure I SNATCH those tickets. In all honesty, I can’t imagine being stuck in class, attempting to load the ticketing site with UBD’s amazing WiFi speed. That would’ve been a nightmare, I’m sure. Right?

I was already camping out on the site 24 hours prior to the ticket sales (although it made no difference, honestly), as there were no pre-sale benefits this time around unlike 4 years ago (the first time ever, for BTS to hold a solo concert in Singapore - when I wasn’t a fan then). It was such a bummer without pre-sale benefits, because we had to compete with 55k ARMYs all across the globe (with better WiFi connection than I do) trying to get their tickets.

And not to mention, the Singaporean local ARMYs who were very, VERY, V E R Y! competitive, as many were already lining up (overnight) physically at the box office - which was normal, for them. Some even had their maids to help them queue to act as a placeholder, so they did not have to be there overnight or simply because they are in school. These are all really mind-blowing tactics (to me), considering that I would be too lazy to do the same (lol).

I had also kept in mind a few tips and tricks to help with ticketing based on my previous experience in purchasing tickets for shows in Singapore. One being, having more than 1 device ready - if possible and another would be to patiently wait while in the virtual queuing/waiting room. And to, NEVER EVER refresh the site if it appears to be frozen. Those were really great tips, but everything still depended on my luck - honestly.

The greatest tip of all is to get your family and friends (they come in handy, at times like these!) to be on the ticketing site using their own devices alongside you, so that whoever leaves the waiting room first and enter the “choose your ticket” page can get your choice of tickets instantly. I have summoned both my sister and my cousin who would also be attending the concert with me, to be on their devices too. In short, the more devices, the safer!

With that said, my sister and I was up the entire night or morning rather. We did not sleep a wink and got into the virtual queue since 2AM, just slowly waiting for the time to roll past (it did not matter at all, that we were early). My cousin on the other hand, only managed to get to my place at 8:30AM. We were “lowkey” panicking when she arrived later than what we planned for. But, everything worked out in the end, eventually! The clock finally strikes 10, and we were sweating cold sweat. The whole waiting process was nerve-wrecking! Minutes went by, and we were already seeing our mutual friends getting their tickets from queuing physically. As well as, friends who got into the ticketing page after being in the virtual room for only 5-10 minutes. At that moment, I was feeling a bit sad - considering that BTS is the K-Pop group that can sell out in a matter of minutes!! But, we knew that the Singapore National Stadium has a capacity of over 50k people. Hence, we had (the slightest) hope that it will surely take longer for all 50k-ish tickets to sell out - completely. Then again, the ticket base that we are aiming for are the most popular among the other ARMYs. So, we were praying really HARD. And had to decide on a backup in case we do not get what we initially planned on getting.

Almost an hour has passed and we none of our devices were out of the waiting room. At this point, our parents were asking if we got tickets already (they asked twice) - sadly, both times we were still with no tickets. And, I was already announcing to the world at 11:45AM (a.k.a on my Twitter page) that, I will not be seeing them - and I feel sorry, period. I honestly lost all hope as all 5 of my devices were stuck in the waiting room. What’s worst was that my other cousin had already purchased hers, and it loaded within 45 minutes.

I thought to myself that, we shouldn't have any more high hopes and we saw that the category that we wanted to go for were sold out already. Thankfully we heard from our friends who just checked out that our backup category were still on-sale. And so, the waiting game, CONTINUES. I was losing my patience and I was not that hyped about it anymore (lol).

Until FINALLY (11:50AM, only 5 minutes after my devastating tweet)!! My cousin’s page on her laptop started to refresh. We were not paying attention or thinking much of it, at that point. We thought it could be the waiting room moving us up the queue. But to our surprise, we are finally out of the hell room and managed to get to the seat plan - in which we get to choose what category to get. 

Our initial choice was the highest category (CAT 1, Yellow 2, standing), but indeed, it was sold out by the time the site wanted to cooperate. So, we opted for CAT 2, Red 2 (shown in the picture below) also standing. We were over the moon when the transaction finally went through, and quickly decided to get to the nearest Jollibee to feast! As we had not eaten since before the ticketing war begun. 2 hours of stress and panic, just to see our boys.

Photo: oneproductionsg (Twitter) // One Production.

Another thing to note was, every standing ticket will be assigned a random queue number. And, our luck really gave queue number 5337 to 5339. It was also a shock to me, considering we will be queuing with 5336 other ARMYs ahead of us. I also saw that the earliest queue numbers were given to those who physically queued for tickets at the box office. So, it was impossible for us to get them, buying through online.

And that, my friends, was how ticketing went for me. I honestly have never experienced that much stress and anxiety in 20 years of my life - until that day. That was also when I realized that: BTS and ARMYs do not come to play!

Look forward to read the more exciting bit of my concert experience, in the next post!! See you~

[dippedanddripped]

To the casual observer, 9am on Friday 24 February was business as usual in London’s Soho. Commuters hurried on their way to work, shutters were raised on shops, rubbish trucks steamed along. But at 26 Brewer Street, a queue of teenagers was snaking around the block. What for? To get their hands on the latest designs by Palace, the streetwear label known for its triangle logo, skate videos and lol-worthy prints.

This is the “hypebeast” scene, the nickname given to the consumers hungry for whatever hyped streetwear is released in a given week. Palace (founded in London in 2009) and its Soho neighbour Supreme (founded in New York in 1994), are the two kings of streetwear, and the pavements outside both stores are frequently the site of queues, when a “drop” of new clothes comes in store.

Omer, who is 17, queued for six hours today and will spend about £300 even though he doesn’t “really like it that much”; Taran, 16, will spend £200, and has travelled for two hours to get to the store. Everyone is dressed up. Taran is in an immaculate white parka and P for Palace cap. Will, another queue member, wears Supreme army fatigues.

Stylist Lotta Volkova, fashion’s current favourite mouthpiece, caused a stir last year when she declared “there are no subcultures any more”. But the hypebeast scene has all the characteristics of one, both in the gathering of young people on street corners and the obsession over the “right” item to be part of the tribe. In his 1979 book, Subculture: The Meaning of Style, Dick Hebdige argues that “humble objects can be magically appropriated; ‘stolen’ by subcultural groups and made to carry ‘secret’ meanings which express, in code, a form of resistance.” Hebdige pointed to punk’s safety pin but the same could be said of streetwear items such as the Supreme Obama hoody or the Palace Elton John T-shirt. Supreme’s New York City store, on Lafayette Street, is hypebeast’s centre. In 2014, when the brand launched a collaboration with Nike, the NYPD shut the launch down due to concerns for public safety. In February this year, the queues moved to the Broadway/Lafayette subway station where Supreme MetroCards were for sale. Once again, the police were called.

The hypebeast world has its own websites (the appropriately named Hypebeast as well as Highsnobiety) Facebook groups (the Basement with 65,000 members, Sup Talk with 97,000) and its “faces”. Gully Guy, AKA Leo Mandella, is a 14-year-old from Warwickshire who has 197,000 followers on Instagram, and posts pictures of himself in Supreme, Palace and Bape. He claims to have spent more than £9,000 on streetwear, and an average selfie garners more than 20,000 likes. He was spotted in Soho recently followed by a film crew, and models in a video about Supreme’s collaborations with North Face on the Basement this month.

Until now streetwear has remained a niche interest. But it is being appropriated by high fashion. Streetwear shapes and staples – sneakers, hoodies, printed T-shirts, tracksuit pants – have been seen at the likes of Givenchy, Vetements and Raf Simons for the past 10 years, but the look truly went mainstream this January when Louis Vuitton collaborated with Supreme. The first model on the catwalk wore a bright red crossbody bag with the Supreme logo writ large. Others followed wearing a pattern that combined the Louis Vuitton monogram canvas with Supreme’s logo. A 23-year-old streetwear brand created by a skate scenester was on the runway for the most valuable Parisian brand in the world, one that was founded as a luggage label in 1854 and was valued at £22.5bn in 2016. Highsnobiety ran an article capturing what many within the streetwear community were thinking: “It’s official,” the title ran, “streetwear and luxury fashion are the same thing.”

We’ve seen our customers have apprehensions but we have always stayed true to the culture from which we came

The collaboration will no doubt sell out before it even gets to stores in July - not just because they are nice designs but also because of the backstory. Louis Vuitton issued a cease-and-desist order to Supreme in 2000 when the brand put a version of the LV double monogram on its skateboards. The order reportedly asked that all products with the design be burned. Seventeen years on, the brands are collaborators.

While the prices are much lower than Louis Vuitton (though still £60 for a T-shirt, £120 for a sweater), the commercial acumen of a youth brand such as Supreme wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by the powers that be. Streetwear is big business. On a “drop day”, the traffic on the Supreme site can increase by as much as 16,800%. The Louis Vuitton x Supreme collaboration led to unfounded rumoursthat LVMH, the conglomerate that own Louis Vuitton, had bought Supreme for £411m. Such a move doesn’t seem beyond the realms of possibility.

The collaboration provoked wildly differing reactions from the fashion and streetwear communities. Virgil Abloh is the designer behind streetwear-on-the-catwalk brand Off-White and a Kanye West collaborator. He describes the collaboration as “the most modern moment in fashion that existed in our current time”. By contrast, Guy Trebay, the New York Times fashion critic, called it “the fashion version of a murder-suicide”. Highsnobiety, meanwhile, reported that Supreme’s fanbase felt betrayed. “I think it’s stupid as shit. It solidifies Supreme’s place in fashion, which is so stupid,” said one fan. “They started the brand as a fuck-you to fashion, and now they’ve become it.” The backlash prompted Supreme to make a rare statement to the press. “Throughout the history of the brand, we’ve seen our customers have apprehensions whenever we do something unexpected,” it read. “However, we have always stayed true to the culture from which we came.” Supreme knows it needs to ward off accusations of that most mortal subculture sin: selling out.

Streetwear is, of course, indisputably associated with hip-hop, another area where keeping it real is held in high regard. Streetwear staples such as tracksuits and logo T-shirts have been, broadly speaking, the uniform for rappers from Grandmaster Flash to Kendrick Lamar. In the Netflix series, Hip-Hop Evolution, Nelson George connects Run DMC’s success under Def Jam’s Russell Simmons specifically with their Adidas tracksuits, a pillar of the streetwear look, and one worn on the streets of New York at the time. “One of the most important things he did in his whole career was get them out of those checkered jackets and put them in the Adidas and make them more street,” says George. “That was a gamechanger.” The group went on to sign a sponsorship deal with Adidas in 1986, the first non-athletes to do so.

Sacha Jenkins, who directed the hip-hop fashion documentary Fresh Dressed, says streetwear developed over the next decade within the black community. “People were buying their pants too big but no one was monetising it,” he says. “People were like: ‘Wait a minute, there’s a business model here.’” Fubu, short for For Us By Us, was set up by Daymond John in 1992, selling streetwear’s oversized tracksuits and T-shirts with bold prints. By 1999, global sales totalled £228m.

These associations mean that “streetwear”, as a term and a style, still comes with what Hypebeast’s UK editor Jason Dike calls “racial coding. If you’re black and wearing a cap or a bomber jacket or whatever, it’s more likely to be called streetwear than if someone white was wearing it.” But these roots in hip-hop perhaps partially explain why the hypebeast scene is notably diverse. I walk past Sneakersnstuff (another dot on the hypebeast map) in Shoreditch one Thursday and almost the entire queue is non-white. Neither Palace or Supreme have a black designer at the helm – James Jebbia at Supreme is a white Brit in New York, while Palace’s Lev Tanju is the son of a Turkish footballer and British restaurateur mother. But their association with the outsider element of skate culture and notably diverse imagery – everyone from Lee “Scratch��� Perry to Kate Moss, Tyler the Creator and Kermit the Frog have starred in Supreme campaigns – means they feel inclusive.

That is in contrast to the notoriously white world of high fashion. So could it be argued that catwalk brands bringing streetwear into high fashion is a form of cultural appropriation? Rachel Lifter, a fashion studies lecturer at Parsons art and design school in New York, says it provokes questions. “As a design practice, streetwear – in inverted commas – takes its cues from hip-hop style,” she says. That style, she says, “emerged from the lived experience of young black and Latino people, who were experiencing various forms of racial and class subordination: these [high fashion] designs operate on a representational level. It has the makings of black style, but not necessarily in a nuanced way.”

Streetwear is what is worn on the street … sneakers with a dress, a hoody, it’s mixing genres

Shayne Oliver, the designer behind Hood By Air, is one of high fashion’s few black designers. His collections have a mixture of streetwear staples – hoodies, trackpants, trainers – with dramatic catwalk staging, such as models in masks. He has been vocal about high-profile designers – typically white – using the streetwear that he grew up with and sanitising it somehow. He explained to the New Yorker: “It’s, like: ‘I think that guy is really hot, but I don’t know how to approach him, so I’m going to put elements of myself in him.’ There’s a power play where you’re inspired by something but you don’t want to give it credit.”

Virgil Abloh, who now sells on Net-a-Porter and shows on the Paris catwalk each season, is more sanguine about the racial politics. As a black designer, he says: “I think it can be easier to start with streetwear – not necessarily because I don’t come from the typical fashion design background, but because I am unrefined,” referring to his novice status in high fashion. He is not resistant to the term streetwear. “Call it what you want to call it – why reject the notion?” he says. “Streetwear is what is worn on the street and it’s how real people wear clothes, sneakers with a dress, a hoody, it’s mixing genres.”

The designer, who is 35, grew up in a golden age of streetwear labels in New York with labels such as Alife and Nom de Guerre. He is, however, aware that a new one is on the way. If some criticise the prices of Off-White (typically from £200 to £1,500) because it alienates the hypebeast demographic, Abloh says we should think of his label as an ideas factory. He’s throwing down the gauntlet to see what – and who – comes next. “In streetwear, brands are there to entice other brands to challenge them,” he says. “This is meant to be an opensource idea of how you do a fashion show; it’s meant to inspire.”

Hypebeasts like those swarming the London Palace stores have a certain business acumen: the resale market is big. “It’s got its own economy,” says Dike. “A lot of these kids have little businesses.” Will, the boy in the army fatigues, is first in the queue at Palace, and describes his occupation as: “I buy and sell clothes and I am starting to invest in the stock market.” He queued for 16 hours and says he will spend anything from £600 to £1,200. He has the world-weary demeanour of a regular. “The system at Supreme is awful but if I’m making money …” he sighs.

Both Sup Talk and the Basement are primarily resale sites, and Grailed is a sort of posh eBay for the streetwear scene. A documentary on Highsnobiety referred to Supreme as the “most resaleable brand in the world”. A Terry Richardson Kermit the Frog T-shirt, first released in 2008, is currently being sold on eBay for £640. The Supreme logo MetroCards sold for $5.50 and were swiftly spotted at Unique Hype Collection, a Supreme resale store with 75,000 followers on Instagram, for $25.

Hebdidge argued that as soon as a subculture’s signifiers “are translated into commodities and made generally available, they become ‘frozen’”. They are no longer mutable markers of resistance when they’re also worn by the establishment, and part of the wider economy. Perhaps, nearly 40 years after he wrote those words, in a world where more than one truth is a given, a subculture such as this is legitimate even when it lives simultaneously in the boardroom, on the street, on the catwalk, in the chatroom and on the resale site. One thing is for certain: with another Thursday just around the corner, those queues are not going away.

[meltwonu]

|     𝖓𝖊𝖔𝖓 𝖉𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖒     |     CHAPTER 7

pairing; camboy!seokmin x female!reader

this chapter’s notes; camboy!au, university!au, camboy!seokmin, masturbation, side!readerxmingyu, dirty talk, degradation, hair pulling, there’s like one liners about daddy!kink/choking/blindfolds, hookups! AAHHH finally! CH 7! 😭💕 Omg the way this was supposed to be posted literally how many fuckin weeks ago LOOOL ☠️🥲 I also ended up splitting this chapter and making it shorter since I didn’t have much time to proofread, but ch 8 is long bc of that so dkfjskdh sorry in advance 🥴💕 Also I will be fixing my masterlists tonight and then just reblogging them tmr! Also will try to catch up on inbox msgs tmr too! I know I’m very behind on a lot of stuff, I’m rly just overwhelmed from the entirety of august lol 🥲🥲 But as always, thank you so so so so so so so much for your constant support 💕 Ya’ll mean so much to me 🥺 So enjoy ch 7, have a good rest of your day and I will see you tmr! I love you!! 💕💕

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - ?

*queued post. 

The two of you ace the paper, naturally.

Even when your professor told you that points would be docked for having to redo the paper.

‘I just can’t do that to my best student,’ she’d said - eyes glancing fondly at Seokmin as he sheepishly smiled back. ‘And it was a great paper. The two of you worked together fantastically!’

Seokmin could only blush when he got you alone after class; delicate fingertips nervously itching a spot on his cheek while you stood across from him picking at a loose thread on your sweater.

You nervously smiled back - only for a different reason than himself.

‘I’ll have to repay you somehow, it’s only fair! You did most of the work because of me!,’ he exclaimed, ‘How about we get dinner sometime? On me, of course!’

Visions of his sweet face smirking at you with lust pooling in his eyes are all you can see when you blink - but you agree, head nodding shakily as he’d laughed and readjusted his book-bag.

‘I’ll text you sometime soon then, so we can find a good time for the both of us? I have some things to deal with so it might not be for a while... But I’ll remember!’

‘Sounds good!’

And Seokmin can tell something’s off about you; ‘maybe she’s just tired today’, he thinks to himself, nodding when you smile shyly and start to make a move to leave before him.

‘I’ll see you later, okay, Seokmin? I gotta go... Uh, class and stuff, y’know?’

And you do see him later. Kind of.

‘Hey everyone, welcome back to my stream! If I’m being honest, I’ve been kind of wondering lately… Which pet names do you guys like me using? Let me know in the comments! I could use some feedback and ideas!’

Seokmin streams three times in one week - half because he really needs the cash and the other half because he’s been feeling somewhat on edge lately himself.

His workload for classes aren’t letting up, Jihoon’s only getting stricter with his lessons and the university’s production of Xcalibur is coming up and he’s crossing his fingers for the lead.

But in the midst of it all, he spends any free time trying to come up with ideas for live streams and the constant talking about sex whilst not even bothering to get off himself finally gets to him late one night when he’s tucked alone in bed with his thoughts.

‘Maybe I should go to one of Soonyoung’s parties next time and let off some steam… That might help...’ He tells himself; even if he’s generally not fond of them at all.

‘And then I could--’

“Oh! Mingyu! Mmh, fuck, your cock is so biiiiiiig~!”

Seokmin’s teeth grit in an instant - eyes darting to the wall that he shared with his next door neighbour. It wouldn’t be the first time, but at some point Seokmin had learned to tune it out - until just now when he couldn’t.

“Yeah? You like that? Fuck, your pussy is so fuckin’ tight around me, baby… I can’t even fit all of my cock inside…”

‘Not again…’ Flashbacks of almost walking into Jeonghan that one time making him groan.

Except this time, Seokmin chooses to indulge.

Because while he was smart enough to soundproof his room whenever he streamed - that didn’t mean his neighbours always did. 

‘Well, as long as Mingyu doesn’t find out...’ Grumbling, Seokmin turns onto his side facing away from the wall - hand palming himself over his sweats as he bites into his bottom lip.

‘Just a little bit… Just let me cum once and I’ll go to bed, I swear…’

And you’re not necessarily proud of it.

“Oh, god, p-please, harder! Need you to--to fuck me so, a-ah, so much harder!”

But the way Mingyu’s bed slams against the wall when he starts to thrust into you harder makes your eyes roll to the back of your head and forget that Seokmin lives just in the apartment next door and can probably hear the two of you, clear as day.

‘It’s not like he knows it’s me anyway...’

“Surprised you finally came around, baby~ Mm, what made you want me, hmm?” A cocky grin eases itself onto Mingyu’s lips as you fight the urge to roll your eyes.

“Nothin’ just… Heard from a friend of a friend that you were good in bed and wanted to see for myself~” You retort; nails digging into the skin of his back as he winces.

“And? Living up to your expectations, princess?” 

��Ngh, right n-now you’re at a--a 7 so...”

The smirk on Mingyu’s face slides clean off as he growls; nails digging into your skin as you moan. 

“Let’s see about that then, princess.”

Seokmin’s hand is slicked with precum and the metallic taste in his mouth from biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood make his head feel fuzzy. 

“Ah, f-fuck, right there! Fuck me harder there! Mmnh, feels so good when you p-pull on my hair~! I want it rough, p-please!”

“Fuck, your desperate ‘lil cunt is squeezing my cock so tight... You’re such a filthy ‘lil thing, aren’t you, baby? So fucking desperate for cock~ I’m gonna make you get on your knees and clean off my cock after I’m done fucking your pretty ‘lil cunt, okay?”

“Y-yes!”

Seokmin’s hand slides up and down his shaft - hips thrusting into his enclosed palm as he hides underneath his bedsheets, writhing with the urge to cum. 

‘Fuck, I’m so c-close... Just need to cum so bad...’ 

He can already imagine the position Mingyu’s in with the stranger - Mingyu fucking them from behind with his hands tangled in their hair as he pulls them towards his own body. 

And Seokmin’s mind races at the suggestions people had given him about the things they liked too - all of them suddenly making his mouth water at the thought of having someone pliant underneath him. 

‘I just want a daddy to put me in my place...’

‘I want to be blindfolded and be forced to cum over and over until I can’t take it...’

‘I want you to fuck me and use toys on me all night...’

‘I want you to choke me while you fuck my pussy hard...’

‘I wanna hear you praise me while you make a mess of me...’

A stuttered gasp falls from Seokmin’s lips as he tightens his grip around his cock - hand moving up and down his shaft twice as fast as he tries to race the stranger on the other side of the wall to an orgasm. 

“Mingyu, m-make me cum! I’m s-so close... My pussy feels so, mmh, f-fuckin’ full... B-but don’t cu--cum inside of, a-ah, me...” 

“Tsk, fine... I’m just gonna have to cum on that pretty face of yours then, okay, baby?” 

Seokmin’s mouth hangs agape as his wrist snaps faster; his head almost thrashing against his pillow as his toes curl and his entire body goes rigid when he tips over the edge and into an orgasm. 

‘Fucking finally...!’ He exclaims mentally - cum painting his hand and catching on his sweats and boxer briefs as he lets out a satisfied sigh while he rides out his high alone in his bed.

‘God, I need... Help.’

You don’t stay the night; not that you ever do when you have a hookup. 

Instead, you head home and take a long shower - massaging your scalp from where Mingyu tugged on your hair a little too hard and you take your time scrubbing away all the dried cum off of your skin. 

You weren’t necessarily crazy about hookups, but lately, you’d felt too on the edge to take care of it alone and listening to Dokyeom’s live streams had only made it harder for you to focus when you were too busy thinking about him and his voice all day.

‘God, the toys are only going to do so much... I really need to figure this out...’ You mentally sigh, ‘Should I stop listening to his stream? Maybe that would help...’

But the thought alone makes you a little sad - especially when it seemed like he was starting to stream more recently and was starting to find confidence in himself to do it.

‘Nah, I’ll just... Figure something out later. When I have more time.’

One New Message

1:54AM

From: Suggested: Lee Seokmin

‘Sorry for the late message, I couldn’t sleep 😅 But I’m free on Friday night if you wanted to get dinner still? I had plans but I think I’m gonna cancel them cuz I’m a little burnt out on creativity for my projects so... Yeah, just let me know! 😅 I know a great place in town! - Seokmin’