#Win Benzo

[isawken]

here’s my ideal situation for the US election. trump loses. biden wins. trump has lethal brain aneurysm after results announced. biden keels over like a week after reelection, poor shambling form unable to sustain him any more, only seeking eternal rest. kamala is president. she- now with her third eye fully open from all the benzos and cocaine and recreational batrachotoxin she’s been doing the last four years- is released from the cycle of samsara live on television. right before she does though she makes an executive decision to make hunter biden the new president. hunter, bolstered by his god-king presidential powers, rewrites all the constitutional amendments. first one is: Everybody Fucking Party. he uses the cia to distribute crack to everyone this time, fleet foxes blast from every boombox across the country, we live on in blissful utopia. i believe we can manifest this beautiful future for ourselves if only we do enough drugs

[smoqueen]

recreationally taking a bunch of benzos before a tekken tournament and winning it and not remembering a thing. going back and watching the vod and you were blocking everything perfectly

[sutjak]

Fight Club headcanons ↴

Narrator

Autism food kinda guy, chicken nuggies (unseasoned) and apple sauce

Puts random shit in his mouth and accidentally eats a lot of it

Prefers weed tbh (NO edibles)

Wears women's undergarments

Outwardly masc

New Jersey :(

Really likes muted colors, Tyler's clothes sometimes give him headaches

Has been institutionalized before for sure

Very gay (he doesn't know)

Definitely threatens suicide and will go through with it just to win arguments

Subby for Tyler but also emotionally manipulates him (they are equals and as bad as each other)

Pervert in an Edwardian type of way, very shameful

Has a special blankie at the house that he hides from his roommate

Libertarian(?)

Tries to pet every animal he sees

Bitemark scars inside his mouth

Extreme cattiness

HATES kids

Marla is his manic pixie dream girl (platonically)

Tyler

Psychological warfare turns him on

Anarcho-communism all the way

Wears femme men's clothes or women's shirts and sometimes will wear dresses for Narrator

Disaster Bi slut

Cheats on Narrator all the time (no he doesn't get away with it, there have been many broken bones)

Over spices his food to the point of inedibility for everyone else

Hotboxes cars with cig smoke because he's an asshole

Actually decent at chess

Will do anything for $20

Versatile power bottom/bossy top

Emotional toxic masculinity

Probably is a baby daddy

The one who meticulously catalogues and restocks the first aid

Only reason Tyler has a driver's license is because he fucked the girl at the DMV

Crust punk in highschool (ew)

From North Carolina

LOVES cars, very much a car guy

Violent snuggler

Adores children

Is also misanthropic

Dad rock listener

Marla

Bestfriends with Narrator (even if he denies it)

Likes to make friendship bracelets

Nymphomaniac

Beautiful Princess Disorder :)

Shopaholic

Doesn't use labels

Very physically affectionate

Likes Narrator more than Tyler

Smells like rotting flowers

Not much of a drinker, only benzos and nic

Pretty goth gf why wont anyone date her :(

Wears briefs no bra or very complicated lingerie (no in-between)

Femme Fatale

Has killed a man

Crochets stuffed animals and granny square blankets

Listens to shitty Pop music unironically

Spearmint kind of girl, FUCK peppermint

Loves those stuffed gnomes you find in a Khol's and has a collection in her closet

Bitter foods are her favorite

Award for most STDs at one time

Breeding kink

Chicago girlie

Passenger princess all the way, never learned to drive

[kcthescreamqueen]

Poll Thursday!

It's Thursday! You know what that means, it's Poll Thursday, and this week we're not going to be doing an Original! This week we'll be doing, a witch! We'll be doing the underrated Queen Bonnie Bennett!

Reblog so we can get more votes and see if your favorite Bonnie ship wins! I look forward to seeing the results!

Winner of last Week's Poll

Last week was Elijah Mikaelson, and to my surprise the winning ship was Kalijah!

[the-dumpster-fire-of-life]

Home

"Vi…" You all but sobbed, tears in your eyes as you struggled to breathe. 

"No! No, don't talk." Vi struggled, tears in her eyes and a sob caught in her throat.

She held her hand on your bleeding stomach, her hands covered crimson red in a matter of seconds.

She felt her chest almost suffocating her, like the sight of her childhood love dying In front of her wasn't bad enough.

"I'm gonna pick you up, okay?" Vi tried, only getting a yell of pain out of you as she set you back down.

"Vi, I can't. I can't." You cried, shaking your head and holding her hand as she shook head.

"I know it hurts but we have to get you to Caitlyn, she knows a doctor." Vi tried consoling you and her.

But she didn't know how much longer she could.

"Vi. I wanna go home." You stated, a tear falling down your face as you sobbed.

Vi let a tear fall, wiping it quickly as she picked you up to cradle you in her arms.

Maybe to console you, or maybe to hide her tears she refused to let you see.

"I'm gonna get you there, Caitlyn's waiting for us." Vi did her best not to pet her voice crack.

"No." You shook your head, sobbing even more and struggling to even speak now.

"I wanna go home, home. With Powder, Vander, Ekko, Claggor, Benzo." 

You stated, finally looking back at Vi to see her tears.

"Fucking even Mylo." You sobbed, the pain killing you from inside out.

"I wanna be a kid again…" 

Vi clung to you even tighter at your words, she wanted it all back so much.

When you guys were happy. With everyone you both loved crowded around a bar.

When you guys would stay up all night after Vander fell asleep.

Jumping from rooftop to rooftop with your friends.

Helping Ekko find whatever he needed for whatever new gift he wanted to give to Powder.

Drawing with Powder, making fun of Mylo, pulling pranks with Claggor or helping Vi win a fight.

It all sounded so far away, like that life never existed because of a man who wanted revenge.

Who turned the sweet girl you knew into the one who left you in a pool of blood.

The girl who, even if you or Vi didn't know, was sobbing as she had hurt one of the few people who truly loved her.

Your breathing was hard, but suddenly grew quiet, almost a whisper.

Vi sobbed, cradling you to her chest as she couldn't bear to look at your face.

Too afraid to see your eyes missing the light and love in them she had adored her whole life.

"(Name)...please, no." Vi cried into your hair, desperately pleading for her in any chance, to come back.

But there was no coming back from this.

So Vi sat there with you, long after Caitlyn found her, long after you grew cold.

Crying about how she had failed to keep that promise nine years old she made to nine year old you.

.

.

.

"(Name)! Wake up!"

You all but fell out of bed, springing up at the voice you hadn't heard in years.

You groaned as you hit your head on the top bunk, shaking it off with a groan before looking around.

You were stunned.

You were back in the den.

Back in the bar. In your old bed, in your old clothes.

You looked at your hands, they were no longer littered with small scars from prison fights.

"What's wrong with you? You look like a fuckin alien who landed for the first time."

You almost rolled your eyes out of instinct, you would have, if not recognizing the familiar mop of brown hair.

"Leave (Name) alone." You watched wide eyed as you saw Powder shove Mylo. 

You must've seen a ghost from how you looked, seeing Mylo standing with no hole in his shoulder.

You saw no pole stabbed through his shoulder paired with blood and dust from rocks from his death.

No.

You saw brown eyes full of annoyance, a white and dusty shirt void of blood and death and instead a brown mop of hair.

"Whatever." Mylo shrugged the girl off, sticking his tongue out at her childishly.

"Vi needs you in the bar." And with that, Mylo walked up the stairs and seemed to go join Claggor.

"...Powder?" You finally spoke up, seeing the girl jump up and turn to you with a smile.

There was no hatred in her eyes as you came back from prison, no sadness a girl her age shouldn’t have ever known.

You saw Powder, an excited twelve year old who showed you inventions with pink and blue marker paint on her cheeks and clothes.

No Jinx. Just Powder.

"Finally, you're awake! Come on, slowpoke!" Powder dragged you out of bed, almost tripping you.

You were dragged up the stairs, too shocked to protest and looking around with the same wide eyes.

The bar looked the same as you had left it, no rave-like party, no shimmer users.

No Sevika.

No Silco.

Just music you remembered Vander always played, a song he would drag you kids to do funny dances to with him growing up.

Just the regular customers you always remembered seeing as a kid straggling around the bar.

"Hey! You got 'em up finally!" You looked shocked to see Vi, like you had gone back in time.

She was still fifteen, like you were now. 

No tattoos, just her shaggy hair and smug ass grin staring at you.

"What? Stunned by me once again, sweetheart?" Vi asked with a smirk, finally snapping you out of it.

"You wish." You said, almost out of instinct as Powder dragged you to a barstool.

You sat on one the right of Vi, Powder sitting on her left as you then saw Claggor.

"You slept like a rock. I think bears sleep lighter than you." Claggor laughed, getting a small giggle out of Powder.

"Shush, Clag." You shook off with a smile before seeing someone you didn't think you would see again.

There stood Vander, a towel over his shoulder as he set a glass down on the bar.

"Vander?" You finally asked, a smile making its way onto your face and tears you stopped from falling in your eyes.

"Hey, Kiddo." Vander smiled back, almost like he had known what you had thought.

Like he knew what happened and how you were back…home.

"What's wrong, (Name)? Happy to be home?" He asked, noticing the tears in your eyes.

You quickly wipe your eyes, laughing to cover up your sniffle as you recover with a smile.

"No, yeah, I'm okay. Just…happy to see you guys again." Vander nodded with a knowing smile.

"See us? Where the hell did you go enough to miss us and why did you come back?" 

Mylo poked back up, giving you a weirded out look.

"Nothing, asshole. Can't I miss my friends?"

You could miss them, but now, you're home.

Where you belong. Even if it wasn't real.

[faggotfungus]

Another thing from my appointment today; I told her how well my anxiety is now that I'm on Klonopin. I'm no longer anxious All The Time 24/7, and I don't fear panic/anxiety attacks all the time.

She responded by screwing her face up in discomfort again at the thought of me even being on a benzo.

Can't win anything.

[lesbiansaltzman]

TVDU (The Vampire Diaries Universe) SHIP BRACKET

ROUND 1, BATTLE 3: Bonora (Bonnie Bennett x Nora Hildegard, The Vampire Diaries) VS Bonenzo (Bonnie Bennett x Enzo St. John, The Vampire Diaries)

[methed-up-marxist]

May 2022

Benzos stay winning

[itsdappleagain]

tis time for the need for speed caper!

notes under the cut as always

if you saw my boston tea party caper post you will already know that this is not my favorite episode. potentially one of my least favorites in the season. still has some fantastic moments though, and I'm excited anyway!

cool foreshadowing for next ep with neal. bellum likes him

THE WAY BRUNT'S FACE LIGHTS UP WHEN MECH WALKS IN

these bitches really ARE gay

THE SIGHS AND FORCED POLITE GREETINGS ARE SO FUCKING FUNNY

i love how snarly they animate mech's face. her lip is curled or her nose is wrinkled

poor mechanic. so british it hurts a little bit

a choice of playdates 😭

cs: you can work remotely from my latop! the season being released in 2019: 👁️👄👁️

god why do they always make carmen's hottest and most showstopping outfits only get like a minute of screentime

the complete 180 from barfing at fish to proclaiming his love for a vile operative. fantastic

also mmmmmmmmmmmmmm the driver is a fantastic character. she's set up just enough w/ the green outfit and the mechanic letting us know that there's an operative already in dubai. plus she's milking trey without anyone suspecting a thing. she's so cool. imagine having to play dumb about your specialty for this arrogant little white boy

anyway trey sterlings little earrings

bonus points for how the driver only smiles when trey is looking at her

im a duke and ivy's a rocket scientist wheeze

god that cape on carmen is everything

who voices sterling sterling

okay 1. daddy sterling 2. ITS MR GROUPER FROM BUBBLE GUPPIES JIDSHH. he's been in a ton of shit. soggy joe from amphibia, benzo in arcane, phineas and ferb and a lot of stuff as the amazing hulk. i wonder why they had him do the role GOOD LORD THIS GUY HAS BEEN IN A LOT OF STUFF

so has trey's va

and then the driver throws herself on trey as soon as she confirms that he's the one driving its so good

love how trey uses the wrong names just to be a dick

not entirely sure why zack and ivy went to the party at all when they could have just gone with carmen but whatever

ah, the part of the episode which makes me hate it. zack acting like a homicidal toddler

carmen and the fastest change of clothes in the world

i love how ivy is just glaring at him the whole time

my favorite part about cs being a kid's show is that when characters get arrested the cops just stand there really menacingly because they can't point guns at anyone who isn't dexter wolfe

i love the next few episodes of player and shadowsan bonding/gaining trust with each other tho

i love when carmen gets pissed off about stuff

i also like seeing how on edge she is- flattening herself against the wall on the roof when a car goes by and stuff because she's trying to figure out how she's going to get them out of jail

i love her

HAHA okay i do love to see carmen yell at them because its SO emotive and GOOD but also IVY DID NOTHING WRONG SHE GETS THE SHORT END OF THE STICK

what was possibly worth risking your necks and mine and giving VILE a chance to win RNGRH its such a good line to show carmen's mentality. we see it in stockholm a little too with how she would almost literally rather die than let VILE win

how do they get home

mmmm this show is awesome with the setup for the driver

why would zack and ivy be knocking on his door if they knew he was supposed to be driving the car btw

man this show really tried to go for more refined themes in the depths of the episode. its implied that the driver seduced trey in his trailer and then stole all of his shit once he was undressed but obviously they can't do anything else with it but imply

NO WAY DID THAT CAR STOP THAT FAST BJSDJDGJH

i love how mad carmen is about literally everything in this episode she just snarls about things

PLS THEY JUST STOLE SOME MORE SCHMUCKS CAR

the motorcycle driving animation is so slick though

the driver is underrated actually im realizing

HAHAHA CARMEN'S ANNOYED LITTLE LOOK

i LOVE the animation of the car speeding up to rocket mode its so cool

you can hear the tires squeal every time carmen/the sibs turn their vehicles around

carmen sandiego tragically dies in a 60 mile per hour head on collision atop a parking garage

"whats she going to do, give us both a piggyback ride?" carmen five seconds later:

split up gang! lets look for clues

GIGANTIC AUTOPILOT BUTTON <3

carmen's hips. thank god for this shot

also i love the implication that carmen was just dramatically positioning herself against the wall and waiting for the driver to turn around

i love this fight scene with carmen and the driver btw its good. they are pretty evenly matched

uhhh...where in time is carmen sandiego?

i also love the driver v carmen fight because they are like. clawing at each other. just brawling

those are the fighting moves of a bitch who has been mad ALLLL day and needs to take it out on someone

ivy constantly being terrified of zack's driving because she's seen him flip the car completely upside down before is my favorite

SEEN SOME SHIT

asami is that you

boston tea party and need for speed are truly a two part episode

i love frames of carmen jumping off things before she deploys her glider

she's literally so hot. also her forearm is disconnected from her elbow

THE GLARE DADDY STERLING GIVES HIM SHDGSDS

who still talked to carmen about a headquarters after she screamed "WE'LL CONTINUE TO DO SO WITHOUT A HEADQUARTERS" into the phone and then hung up in a fit of rage because i wouldnt have

yeah they tried to fake us out didn't they

we got to see that workshop in s4 when carmen was brainwashed..

THE FLIGHT TIME FROM SAN DIEGO TO MOSCOW IS 21 HOURS NO WAY DID THEY MAKE IT IF IT WAS HAPPENING TOMORROW MSGDJKDGJDS

I KNOW A PLACE i love shadowsan

alright theres need for speed. im going to try to crunch out crackle goes kiwi maybe tonight but we'll see how it goes lol

[bisluthq]

Matty def has narcissistic tendencies, he’s openly admitted it, as has Taylor, but he’s way too erratic to be a master manipulator. He’s a lot like Taylor in a lot of ways but like a much more unstable, less organized version. That’s why she’s the biggest pop star on the planet who wins a million Grammys and sells out stadiums whereas he’s the frontman of “the biggest band in the world that nobody has ever heard of” (his own words). And re: all the comments on his drug use, he’s never denied doing all kinds of drugs and doing a lot of them but he’s said that his ‘issue’ was heroin in particular, that it was something that was in his life on and off for 4 years before it got to the worst of it and he went to rehab and the British tabloids blew it up to make it sound like he was overdosing in bathrooms when he wasn’t. He also said he smoked it and didn’t use needles or anything like that. Now he could be downplaying it but I’ll choose to take him at his word for it. He’s obviously addicted to cigarettes and Lewis Capaldi once said he also is constantly high/smoking weed but I don’t think he does harder drugs anymore basically. Idk about the pills though bc even Halsey seemed to imply he has a thing with benzos that but he never mentions it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Halsey did imply Benzos (and mentioned the heroin obviously) and Taylor implied he tried to score pills more recently. Tbh I think he just does a lot of drugs, drinks a lot, and smokes (the smoking is somehow the healthiest habit here from a psychological standpoint because again that’s like the one thing clinics actually encourage you not to drop lol like I started smoking more heavily in clinic when I was there for MDD and then never stopped but yeah they weren’t anti that at all). He’s a mess. So’s Taylor but she’s better at hiding her mess - not in a mastermind way but in a she has a better brand management strategy than Matty (who tbqh has none).

[impider]

REPOST & LIST 6 SONGS THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE . / for ezra .

ICON by jaden ━━ ❝ i am not a mayan, i'm a menace (menace) / it's wild, you can lie like a professor / i don't got the time to put you on the stretcher (stretcher) / i am here and i'm still flexing (flexing) / i am just an icon living / start a record label, msfts just did it, whoa / i'm high snob, cover five minutes, whoa / we are so hot in the business (woo) . ❞

DNA by kendrick lamar ━━ ❝ i got power, poison, pain and joy inside my dna / i got hustle though, ambition, flow inside my dna / i was born like this, since one like this, immaculate conception / i transform like this, perform like this, was yeshua new weapon . i don't contemplate, i meditate, then off your fucking head . ❞

FED UP by ghostemane ━━ ❝ wind up in the wrong mindset / might've wound up with the wrong set of friends / on a benzo bender withdrawal, never go back, no / say a prayer to someone who cares / ain't nobody listenin', or they left you on read again / never again will i put my faith in a religion / no god or satan gonna make me understand i'm dealt a bad hand . ❞

KNIFE TALK by drake , 21 savage , project pat ━━ ❝ smith & wesson, i'm 4L gang reppin' / we done baptized more niggas than a damn reverend (yeah) / kappa alpha, me and my gang, we do all the steppin' / who you checkin'? this fn shoot east to west end (gang) . ❞

D-DAY by agust d ━━ ❝ in a world full of hate / hatе is even more unnеcessary (okay) / lotus flowers bloom brilliantly even in mud / a feeling of inferiority, self-loathing compared to others / aim your gun at these things starting today (yeah, yeah, yeah) . what are you? break the limits, man . ❞

WORST BEHAVIOR by drake ━━ ❝ fuck you bitch, i'm more than high / my momma probably hear that and be mortified / this ain't the son you raised who used to take the acura / 5 a.m. then go and shoot degrassi up on morningside / for all the stuntin', i'll forever be immortalized / yeah, back and forth across the border line / hate to leave the city, but i've got to do the overtime . ❞

& 6 QUOTES THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE.

❝ ❛ dear god , ❜ she prayed , ❛ let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. ❜ ❞ ━━ betty smith , a tree grows in brooklyn

❝ i am nothing special ; just a common man with common thoughts , and i've led a common life . there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten . but in one respect i have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived : i've loved another with all my heart and soul ; and to me , this has always been enough . ❞ ━━ nicholas sparks , the notebook

❝ do you think there's a difference ? between belonging with and belonging to ? ❞ ━━ jenny han , to all the boys i've loved before

❝ have you ever hoped for something ? and held out for it against all the odds ? until everything you did was ridiculous ? ❞ ━━ ali shaw , the girl with glass feet

❝ do not despise your own place and hour . every place is under the stars , every place is the center of the world . ❞ ━━ john burroughs , studies in nature and literature

❝ i believe in love . i believe in hard times and love winning . i believe marriage is hard . i believe people make mistakes . i believe people can want two things at once . i believe people are selfish and generous at the same time . i believe very few people want to hurt others . i believe that you can be surprised by life. i believe in happy endings . ❞ ━━ isabel gillies, happens every day : an all - too - true story

tagged by : @spidersiren ( HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY HONEY ) tagging : @novaragno , @arachstar , @arachnidiots , @chimugukuru , @imsobrooklyn + highly encourage anyone else !

[esoterium]

@deceivesthem || a meme from here || accepting!!

❝ I didn't know where else to go . . . ❞

the floor to ceiling windows cast a glow throughout malcolm's apartment. one made up of city lights and the moon shining high and round in the night sky. no clouds blotting it from view and the city's done it a solid by not coughing up too much exhaust into the air to snuff it out. he's laying in bed. staring up at the ceiling. watching the night pass by because the benzos aren't winning against the demons in his head. guess it's gonna be one of those nights. not that he isn't used to them. malcolm's brain's a mixed bag of who knows what he's gonna get at any given time his head hits the pillows.

tonight?

it's this.

when the knock comes to his door, pale eyes squint at the clock by his bed. a mark of confusion wrinkles itself into place between his eyebrows as his head lifts and he stares through the empty space wondering if he heard that right. of course he did. another one. this time, lighter. like the person behind it was wondering if he might, actually, be asleep for once. frowning, he's out of bed and grabbing a black t-shirt to pull over his head as bare feet pad him towards the door. he stops, peers through the peephole expecting ainsley? maybe? not..oliver?

the door swings open, malcolm's hand's on the back of his neck rubbing as his free hand falls towards his hip swinging out to gesture for the other to enter before it hangs there next to his pajama bottoms. "um. hey. hi. good morning?" that's what you say just after three? or is that still good evening territory? 'i didn't know where else to go..' is what he gets in return. his frown deepens.

"what happened? what's wrong?"

[magneticflower]

For the Bingo thing, may I request it for Jinx and Silco from Arcane and Zuko from Atla? If you only want to do one character it can be your choice. :)

Send me a character II Source (Accepting)!

Jinx

Free Space: I need her to a get a real win--- not a win that cost her everything (and I know it won't happen)

I should have circled the white noise and waking thoughts one because I really was thinking about her constantly when I first got into arcane and I still do a lot. There's just SO much to her, so many things that went astray in her attempts to be seen as more than just dead weight, so many attempts to reconcile between what she really was and what others wanted/projected her to be, and I could really go on and on about her. She really is such an interesting character and I love her to bits.

The other two are under readmore <3

Silco:

Free Space: There's A Lot To Unpack Here

He is also a lot. I love him because he is complex, but I certainly don't love everything he did (I miss vander, grayson, and benzo ahhhh). There's a lot of trauma that led him to where he ended up and as much as he cared deeply for Jinx, a lot of that trauma resulted in serious projection his part towards her. Still, I was fascinated by him in the show and really enjoyed his scenes whenever we got them. I absolutely still appreciate his flair for the dramatics (he and jinx are truly the definition of like father, like daughter in that respect)

Zuko:

Zuko--- if I'm being honest, I don't think about him a lot? Not because I don't love him. I do, and I really believe that his story was very well-crafted, but I don't find myself pondering on him like I would say--- Toph. I think about Toph a lot (but I won't go on a side-tangent). He is really interesting and he is fun and he has some of the best scenes in the series (his fights are excellent and his reunions with Iroh always punch me in the gut), but he's not someone I think on too much even though I do like him

[ao3feed-piltovers-finest]

Bound and Determined

by Pandoras_hope

When Vi finally gets released from Stillwater prison, she is determined to get back to her old life as quickly as possible. But a chance encounter with her new next-door neighbor pulls her into an unexpected tangle of sex, violence, and mafia money.

Words: 2948, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Arcane: League of Legends (Cartoon 2021)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: F/F

Characters: Caitlyn (League of Legends), Vi (League of Legends), Ekko (League of Legends), Vander (League of Legends), Jayce (League of Legends), Viktor (League of Legends), Sevika (Arcane: League of Legends), Jinx (League of Legends), Silco (Arcane: League of Legends), Benzo (Arcane: League of Legends)

Relationships: Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)

Additional Tags: based on Bound (1996), Strangers to Lovers, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Neighbors, Shameless Smut, lesbians who are not useless, they know what they want they get what they want, Undercover, ex-convict, mafia movie, Gun Violence, Lesbians Win, Caitvi, Violyn, Heist, Neo-Noir, Campy

from AO3 works tagged 'Caitlyn/Vi (League of Legends)'

[riverpatel]

NOV. 24TH-26TH, 2022. Ends at the Half Moon Motel.

notes & tw: drugs, addiction, suicide mention, anxiety, and depression. after going to the hospital on wednesday, river attempts to clean up their act and ultimately fails falling into darkest depths of their downward spiral and ending up in a motel room alone. mentions @trixstone @bowie-leblanc @fox-lennox and @mothazeri

it’s a disease, it’s killing me and it’s winning....

They made it home Wednesday night and managed to dodge too many questions with a string of excuses and ‘I’m fine’s. It was just the food, they just forgot to eat. That happened before, right? Days they were sober. It wasn’t bad. They were in control, it was just a rough day. Tomorrow will be better. That’s what they told themselves before they popped the last two pills in the bottle, not even bothering to look at what kind or what strength they were. Something to quiet the noise and go to sleep.

“Tomorrow will be better,” they whispered into Trix’s chest when they wrapped themselves into their arms for the night. That day had been a failure.

River had walked that road before, played the game of trying to stay clean. Even when they were rationing, they would tell themselves that today they wouldn’t need another benzo or opiate to put them to sleep. They didn’t need the adderall or the coke to get them through the day. Sometimes it would work, too. A few days would go by and everything was going great. Then like a floodgate it all got loud, sharp pains stabbed into muscles at random and the overwhelming feeling of nothingness washed over them. Instead of working through it or going out to the people they were already an excessive burden on, they took the easiest route and dug out another benzo or an oxy and made it quiet again. Slept through the pain and woke up needing something to motivate them past the depression caused from yet another failure. That way no one could tell something was wrong. So they can pretend they were still sober and life was peachy.

That was how it had gone for the last eight years. A series of failures and pretending to be okay. Constantly trying not to drown in the urges and the sadness and the pain and black void that just kept growing inside their chest. Refusing help because River knew if they told them, if they looked them in the eyes and told them what was going on inside them or even that they couldn’t stop with the stimulants and the opiates, that they thought they had a problem still…. they knew that everyone would leave them. How could they look at them when they couldn’t even look at themselves?

Thanksgiving was a success. River was mostly sober for the entire day and spent it with their people, laughing and eating and filling the house with all the best noises in the world. Love. A house full of love like it always was and for some reason darkness still found its way in through the cracks. They took their last pill that night, crushed it up on the nightstand and sucked it up into their nose. After such a good day they got it back in their head that they could stop. That would be the last time they did anything and no matter how bad it got, they would get through it because they weren’t alone. Tomorrow would be the start of a new River, a River that would not give into temptation but would find a way to overcome their demons on their own. Everything would be alright. It’s weird how quickly that mindset could change.

The late morning peeked through the curtains and stung their eyes. Already they didn’t feel well. A shower felt a little better but things still felt off. Regardless, they remembered the promise they made the night before and didn’t look to see if there was anything left over to curb the feeling. Not even their thc pen. Instead, they got dressed and kissed the love of their life goodbye before going down to the shop to work. The whole day was a haze filled with intrusive thoughts and low grade fear every time Fox or Bowie looked at them. For no reason beyond sheer paranoia River was convinced one of them knew something or they both did. It took several times of convincing themselves that neither of them were judging River. Why would they? But they couldn’t stop the thoughts from piercing through.

You’re worthless. You can’t stop, they know it too. You should just leave. What good are you to them? They’re just going to leave when they find out what you’ve been doing, just leave them first. You’re the problem. You’ve always been the problem. A burden. You’re the reason Trix got addicted, they blame you and they should, you ruined their career. You ruined it for Fox and Moth too. Made Bowie come to Bradford Springs away from her family to start up some shop that barely makes it half the year. You ruined all their lives and you should just go, just go. River go.

Their leg shook and their face twitched as a tornado of thoughts spun round and round in their head. Finally it was too much, they couldn’t sit still and without a word they went back up into the apartment. Straight to their room to find something, anything to make it go away. They dug through all of their hiding spots to keep coming up with empty bags and bottles. River left them scattered through the room like a trail of disappointment. A shiver racked its way through their body. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You got this just find something else to do it’ll go away.” River mumbled the words to their reflection and pulled a hoodie to go finish the day. Which they did and waited for Bowie and Fox to go before taking some money from the till for the night. They would replenish it, they just needed some money for the night. It was their store too, right? What was the big deal?

The plan was to go dancing, that always made them feel better and shut off their phone so they weren’t distracted by anything. It did a little bit of good, but the shaking got worse and their head felt like it was going to explode. River was sick. Covered in sweat and they felt like they were going to throw up. They pushed their way out into the cold night air and started walking. Their feet brought them the wrong way but they knew where they were going. Right to that familiar trailer and this time when they offered them something stronger, they didn’t say no. “Fuck it, right?” It was either that or they were scared they would end up killing themselves before the night ended. The pain was unbearable, like every nerve ending was stinging and piercing needles into their skin from the slightest touch or the wind blew.

River bought way more than they needed and it was obvious at that point that any hope they had the night before was gone. They took the fentanyl and went straight to the Half Moon Motel. In their room, phone off, with tears streaming down their face they looked in the mirror. “I’m sorry I can’t do it. I can’t. I give up. I’m done trying. It hurts too much. I’m sorry.” They squeezed their eyes shut and let out a wavering breath. Boot in hand, they slammed it against the mirror until it broke, angry at themselves for the words they spoke. For giving in again and admitting they were a failure. River wiped their face and went back out to the bed, grabbed the hardcover bible left in every room and prepped the first pill into a powdered line, took it, and fell back on the bed. It wouldn’t be long at all until the numbness washed back over them and everything felt better again. They would stay there until it was all gone, River just wanted to stay numb forever and as they drifted to sleep a part of them hoped they never woke up.

[bratzbie]

Genuinely so concerned at how obsessed they are with me though 👀

buying another patient a gift to win their friendship because you're visiting someone on the ward; getting "friends" hooked on your own prescription benzos/reintroducing them to cannabis when it wasn't on their radar until they become dependant (then volunteering for a drug misuse programme to go to a festival wtf); making up incredibly elaborate stories like the one about me "putting her in the ICU for three days"; fucking and taking lewds with your biological sister (so not understanding boundaries) and inviting said sister into the room with a sex toy when sleeping with your fiancee (not understanding consent); showing up to an impressionable young woman's home with a carrier bag taped round a severe self inflicted wound so she can "take you to hospital" because you suddenly "can't go on your own"; keeping tabs on someone you "hate"; having your friend pay for her porn; having your other friend attack said person until you can't even handle it anymore and need to take a break from said "friend"; sleeping with all your friends (weird boundaries again); befriending the "hated" person's other old friends for sex because they're "just so hot you can't resist"; keeping photos and videos of a strangers child on your social media accounts and camera roll; reaching out to your said strangers abusive ex partner just to stay close to said child whilst also claiming you can't cope with having any attachments to the stranger for your mental health? WEIRD

Strange

FREAK