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eusebiascruggs · 4 years

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Where Can I Find Hemp Clothing?

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dethdealer12345-blog · 7 years

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Children of Men (2006) Review

Alfonso Cuaron's 2006 sci-dystopian action thriller is a movie that should have been good.

Starring Clive Owen, Michael Caine, and Chiwetel Ejiofor, with action scenes done in one take, set in a futuristic, almost Mad-Max type world. Unfortunately the film is bogged down by terrible dialogue, an over the top preachy political message, terrible action, a comically bad ending, and Juliane Moore.

Hailed as a masterpiece by many for reasons I cannot understand.

In short the movie was a boring mess.

To explain why, however, will require basically spoiling the entire movie.

Thus I will give my final score now before continuing on with everything I found wrong.

2/5

Spoiler Filled Review

I must give praise to the one take action scenes even if they are terribly directed, boring, or just plain silly, I at least applaud the film for attempting such a thing.

Spoiler filled review

The film opens with a quick run down of the plot as Clive Owen buys coffee from some shop.

And no joke, the movie's premise sounds like a joke.

"In a world, were no children have been born in 18 years. Only one man can save us."

That man is Clive Owen, some guy who lost his own child when every woman became sterile.

Grabbing his coffee, he glances over to the TV were the news reports that the youngest person alive has just died. An 18 year old young man, who the world treated as a celebrity. Clive Owen pays it no mind while those around him start to break down and cry.

Stepping out of the building, he starts to walk down the sidewalk when the building explodes behind him. Thus we get our first action scene, as well as see what will quickly become the problem with most of them.

The camera is focused on Clive Owen who is walking, and basically doing nothing while action, explosions, and other violence happen behind him, or around him, or beside him, or in front of him. Which is fine and all, if the actor the camera focuses on is doing something, instead he just kind of walks or jogs along. Even Tom Cruise, in the terrible War of the World remake, ran at least. Not Clive Owen, anything that would require effort is clearly too much work.

Thus while the film's action scenes are all one take, not one is memorable or good, and so instead of seeing Tony Jaa fighting his way up a hotel, or Chow Yun Fat and Company shoot their way through a hospital, we get Clive Owen, just kind of there, while stuff happens in the background.

The movie than moves on to its political message as Clive Owen passes by signs, billboards,

commercials, and even straight up cages. All of which are full of immigrants, or are telling the populace that immigrants should not be in the country. Yes, everyone, in a world were everything is falling apart. Where the clock is literally counting down to the end of humanity. Where there are commercials selling suicide. Where wars, terrorism, fanatics, and the like have destroyed every other nation aside from England, because England is just that great. How the US, Russia, China, Germany, Australia, Japan, and the like have fallen apart but not England is never mentioned but it is assumed to be because the world is going to hell.

Which is fine. Which can work. However what the movie than cannot do is try to make me care about the immigrants. England is only standing because it has closed off its borders, like how Japan rebuilt itself after the Sengoku Era. It has legitimate historical context, which is ruined because its clear the film is taking a stance against such policies, not just in the movie but in reality itself.

And reality notwithstanding as I do not care what position you take politically, in the movie itself the premise that we should care for the immigrants is ludicrous. The movie tells us the world is going to ruin Mad Max style, it than tells us that England is the only country still running, it than tells us that England is the only country to seal its borders, therefore as far as the movie has explained the only reason England is not a shit hole is because it has closed its borders. And the movie expects you to believe that is a bad thing.

Its silly to say the least, terrible if you think about it, and preachy if being honest. But preachy in a way that you cant help but disagree.

Still, that is the message and the movie will try its damnedest to get you to agree with it. Though that is not the only message, as the film again and again enforces the image that the government is bad.

That borders should not exist. And that the police are evil.

It sounds like something an extreme anarchist would write.

Down with the government. Let the people do whatever they want.

And again despite your political leanings, in the setting of the film, it makes no sense.

The movie has barely been on ten minutes at this point but already the plot is hemorrhaging. The film is in desperate need of help, and thus in steps Michael Caine, with a fart joke.

And again I am not making this up, he actually makes a fart joke. He turns to Clive Owens and says pull my finger.

Pull My Finger.

Do I even need to say anything else.

Michael Caine explains about a secret organization called the Human Project, which is a group of scientists trying to save the world. Clive Owens believes them to be a myth, but it is heavily implied that they are real. Clive Owens then leaves.

Only to be kidnapped by his ex-wife Julianne Moore. And while others might see her as good, I cannot. The woman cannot act. She is almost as bad as Kevin Costner and oddly enough her best role has been in the second Kingsmen film were she hams it up and is essentially playing a joke character. And even there she is the worst part of the film.

Playing herself, she tells Clive Owens that she is hiring him to create transit papers for some young immigrant woman. Clive agrees because he needs the money and goes to a friend of his. A friend who is incredibly rich, incredibly powerful and can get Clive whatever he needs. That man is played by Danny Huston, for some reason. Not that he is bad or anything, just that he is severely underused and basically makes an extended cameo.

He has also rescued the statue of David, as well as many other works of art, because again, the world is in ruin. And again we are supposed to see him as a bad guy, as he looks out a window over a factory that looks like a certain Pink Floyd album while a large balloon of a pig floats in the air. Yes the movie is that on the nose with its symbolism.

This man is a pig. A greedy business man who you should not like. Or at least that is what the visuals and movie want you to think.

In reality he is a man who has saved priceless works of art and is singlehandly doing and getting everything our hero needs.

How is this man a bad guy again?

We are never told as he never returns.

With papers in hand, Clive Owen returns to Julianne Moore and tells her that he himself has to be with the woman or the papers wont work. He then tells her he needs to be paid more or he wont go.

Julian agrees and Clive heads out.

Thus we end up with Clive, Julianne, Girl, some middle aged woman, and Chiwetel in a car heading towards the coast were a boat awaits the girl. Along the way Clive Owen and Julianne Moore play with balls in their mouths in a moment that is supposed to be cute or enduring and is instead annoying. Luckily a one shot action scene begins, as a gang of bikers attack the car, shooting Julianne Moore in the throat and shooting at the car. The group gets away as the cops arrive to scare off the gang. Only for a cop car to pull over the remaining group. Chiwetel kills the two cops and the group dump them in the woods along with Julianne, who is now dead.

With the worst actress out of the film, the girl steps up to take her role.

Who is this girl, why is she important.

Why she is nobody, but she is an immigrant, and most important of all, she is pregnant.

How do we know she is pregnant, easy she shows us in the most pretentious way possible.

Clive Owens finds her in a barn with some cows where he tells her is done, and that she can find another way out of the country, as she is not special. She tells him she is as she starts to undress, at which point Clive Owens and myself are confused as it looks like she is trying to seduce him. Instead she takes off her dress to show her baby bump, using an arm to cover her breasts as she poses for the camera. And once again you are immediately taken out of the film.

Why did she take her clothes off?

Why is she standing near cows?

Why is she in a barn?

Why if she wants to take her clothes off, is she then covering herself up. Does she not know how to just lift her dress, or step to the side and let him see the large bump that is her pregnant belly?

No, that would be sensible, that would be what a normal human would do. But that is not what the director wants. Want the director wants in an image of her standing naked, surrounded by livestock, holding her pregnant belly and exposed breasts because its artsy. Because that is the image he wanted, logic, common sense, and basic human interaction be damned. He wants his shot and he is going to get it, no matter how stupid everyone has to be for it to happen.

Clive than goes to the others and tells them he knows she is pregnant and that she needs to be taken to a hospital. They of course refuse because government is bad. And again you are supposed to agree with them. And again it makes no sense.

In the context of the world. Her feeling. The groups feeling. Even the babies life. None of it matters. If she is the only person in the entire world to become pregnant. If she is the only hope humanity has to still be around in the next one hundred years, than she needs to go to the government. Even if they chop her and her baby up, turn them into paste and use them for any experiment required, I would be fine with that. Because as Spock is famed for saying. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

And if the girl and her baby having a terrible or even no life is what is required to save all of humanity. Than someone give me the gun because I will shoot her and her baby in the face myself.

Because again. I cannot stress this enough.

HUMANS AS A SPECIES ARE GOING EXTINCT!

Clive leaves, and soon overhears that Chiwetel and the others were the ones to kill Julianne Moore so that they could take over and keep the baby for themselves so as to start a revolution. And despite learning of that, Clive Owens still does not wish to tell the world of the pregnant woman. Instead he decides to run her through a literal war zone. But we will get to that.

In the meantime, Clive gets girl and middle aged woman and rushes them to a car so as to escape. The only problem is that the car will not start. Thus another one take action scene begins, wherein Clive Owens must push start the car by shoving it down a hill, while the bad guys rush to stop him.

And the scene is somehow stupider than it sounds.

As not only do the bad guys not stop them, but one also catches up to them gun in hand, threatening to shoot, only to call back and ask what to do before being taken out. Meanwhile the bad guys get in their own cars and give chase, since their car is working they easily catch up, just as Clive and gang get theres started. The bad guys than stop their car and climb out to continue the chase on foot. Yes I said that correctly. The bad guys, who were in a working car. Give chase to the heroes who are now in a working car. On foot.

Yeah, that's what I call a great action scene right there. It was even done in one take. Therefore it is good. Right?

Of course not.

The scene plays out like something from a comedy.

Driving off, Clive takes the group to Michael Caine, who tells them they are safe and that he has a cop friend who can help them. The bad guys arrive soon afterwards, and Michael Caine tells Clive and the others to leave while he buys them time.

The group reluctantly agrees, leaving out the back and making their way to a small hill overlooking Caine and Chiwetel.

Chiwetel has Caine at gun point and demands to know where Clive and the others are.

So what does Caine do?

Does he make up a lie.

Does he crumble and sell out his friends.

Or Does he say nothing and die with dignity.

The answer is of course none of the above. As instead Michael Caine tells Chiwetel to pull his finger.

Chiwetel rightfully shoots him in the shoulder. To which Caine tells Chiwetel to pull his finger.

Chiwetel then shoots and kills Caine.

Thus Michael Caine dies, his final words an attempt at a fart joke.

Why do people like this movie again?

The movie continues after that, with Clive Owens calling Caine's cop friend over. The cop friend pretend arrests them, and drives them through a checkpoint full of caged immigrants. Again the film is not subtle about its message. And again I wholeheartedly disagree with it. Especially when the, mostly Muslim immigrants start marching through the streets shouting 'Allah Akbar' while armed with whatever guns they have. But again that is for later.

For now, Clive and girl ride a bus where they lose middle aged woman, who pretends to be insane so as to stop the cops from searching the pregnant woman. How that works is beyond me as surely the cops will search the woman anyway. And they almost do, until Clive Owens points out that she has pissed herself. The cop, not wanting to touch her because she is now icky, leaves and the problem resolves itself. The middle aged woman is still taken away however, and at that point you have to ask why even though the answer should be obvious.

It is so Clive and the girl are stuck by themselves.

Cop then takes the two to a building to wait while he goes to do some things to help her on her way, and during the night the girl gives birth. Clive helps her, and at that point I was expecting the baby to die. Leaving Clive Owen to take the only baby in the world to safety. Instead the film does not have the balls to kill the poor defenseless, Immigrant woman, and she survives. And it is at that point that the movie stops trying to be a serious, dark, depressing drama and starts to spiral into comedy.

The cop arrives with some girl, a replacement for middle aged woman, and demands to know what the girl is holding. Seeing her baby, he pulls out his gun and forces everyone down the building so he can take them to the government and get a reward. And again. We are supposed to see this as a bad thing. Because government bad.

New girl soon attacks the cop, and together with Clive Owen they three escape. The cop chases after them, somehow unable to hit any of them and another one take action scene begins. Clive actually does something in this one, as he shuts a door, grabs a heavy thing, and hits the cop on the head with it. And it looks as clunky as it sounds.

Clive then runs through some streets as shooting between the immigrants and the military starts up. When suddenly, the bad guys led by Chiwetel appear.

Chiwetel's group take the girl and the baby, before shooting someone who is with Clive Owens, but who is not Clive Owens and is also not new girl. Why the bad guys do not just shoot Clive Owens is again obvious as the film needs him alive still. Thus person three is killed.

The military and immigrants than arrive, and a shootout occurs.

A shootout in the background, and off in the distance. Clive his barely in any danger, and just kind of stays low and lightly jogs away.

Chasing after Chiwetel, he comes to a building under assault by the military. A group of immigrants run out with flags up only to be mowed down, because again, government bad.

Clive makes his way into the building as the military continues to shoot. Tanks, machine guns, and bazookas are fired at the building, but luckily only the first few stories so that when Clive makes his way to the higher ones, he will not be shot at.

Clive quickly finds the girl, only for Chiwetel to be near, machine gun in hand. He says some pointless things about how he was trying to do good, while bullets are shot around him. Clive takes the girl with him, as Chiwetel shoots at them, only for one of the tanks to finally shoot at him. Not until he is off screen and back in the distance of course.

Making his way down the building, Clive, girl, and baby are mobbed by all in the building as the baby cries. The army then arrives, and upon hearing the baby cry, stop shooting, lower their weapons, and let Clive, the girl, and her baby through.

That is right.

Everyone learns of the baby. Of the only baby in the entire world. They learn of the one thing that literally everyone has been trying to get.

And they just let it go.

They let them all go.

Yes, because that is how you resolve a dangerous situation.

You have everyone just stop caring and let your heroes walk out with no problems.

Tension, a sense of danger, thrills, all gone in an instant.

Even funnier is how everyone just starts shooting at each other again as soon as the three are clear.

Why would any of that happen.

Why.

Easy, the heroes were in a situation and the writer could not think of way to get them out, so he just lets them leave. Its even worse then Deus Ex Machina, at least in that something stupid happens. In this movie they just leave.

They just leave.

Clive then takes the girl and her baby to a boat, the other girl who has been with them the whole time stays behind, as her job is done. Whatever job that was. I of course did not mention her being around because she does nothing.

Once in the boat, the girl tells Clive what she is going to name her child as she notices a bunch of blood on the boat. And once again in the distance their is action. But again only in the distance and this time hidden by thick fog. As for the blood, Clive tells her that it is his, and that he had been shot sometime during the last thirty or so minutes of film.

How he is still alive despite the pool of blood he has leaked in the boat, and the supposed pools he has lost along the way are never brought up. Instead Clive just dies, tilting his head gently to the side as he attempts to hold his breathe.

Seconds later, a boat breaks through the fog, the word Tomorrow on its side.

The movie ends with the sound of children laughing and playing as the title flashes across the screen in the most pompous and stuck up way possible.

Where do I even begin?

What do I even say?

The movie is a terrible mess of bad jokes, bad writing, bad action, idiotic moral messages, and boring drawn out scenes of nothing.

The movie was terrible.

#Movie Review #Children of Men #Clive Owen

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