#Why You Haven't Left The Satanic Temple

[harunayuuka2060]

Kid MC: Papa? I'm going to meet Grandpa?

Simeon: Yes. He wants to see you.

Raphael: *walking ahead of them*

Raphael: You seem worried, Simeon.

Simeon: ...

Simeon: No.

Raphael: I've reassured you many times.

Raphael: Father won't do anything.

Simeon: ...

Kid MC: Papa, I'm tired...

Simeon: *chuckles* Here. Papa will carry you. *lifts them up*

Kid MC: *rubbing their eyes, seems to be sleepy*

Raphael: Don't think of heading back. We're already here.

Simeon: I'm not saying anything.

Raphael: But you were about to. I know you, Simeon.

Simeon: Too bad.

Kid MC: Will Grandpa let me sleep?

Raphael: *stern* You should be wide awake when you stood in front of the heavenly father.

Simeon: Raphael.

Raphael: ...

Raphael: Just put them down. Father wants to have a private conversation with them.

Simeon: *hesitates for a moment*

Simeon: ...

Simeon: MC, Papa is waiting for you behind this door. Okay? *smiles*

Kid MC: *smiles* Hm!

Raphael: *opens the door for them*

Raphael: Remember your manners.

Kid MC: *runs into the room*

Raphael: I've just said— *sigh* Nevermind. *closes the door*

Simeon: *his arms crossed* Raphael, I think we should have our conversation elsewhere.

Raphael: What? Are you going to lecture me?

Simeon: I'm glad you know.

Raphael: Simeon, I'm still above you.

Simeon: Why? Are you using that as an excuse?

Simeon: *his face turned serious* I'll teach you how you should act in front of children. Especially to my child.

Kid MC: *looks around* Grandpa?

Kid MC: ...

Theo: I'm here.

Kid MC: Where? I don't see you.

Theo: *chuckles* I'm somewhere in the room. You don't have to look for me. I could see you just fine.

Theo: Instead, Michael will accompany you while he listens to our conversation.

Michael: *appears to their side* Hello~. Still remember me? I'm your Uncle Michael.

Kid MC: Uncle! *goes to hug his leg*

Michael: !!!

Michael: *chuckles* You're quite sweet, young one.

Theo: Michael.

Michael: Yes, father?

Theo: ...

Michael: *smiles to himself* Right.

Michael: MC? Do you know why father have summoned you here?

Kid MC: *shakes their head*

Michael: Well, he has something important to say.

Michael: So you should listen very well and take it to heart.

Simeon: *came back* *expecting MC to come out of the room*

*the door opens*

Kid MC: *slowly walks out of the room*

Simeon: MC? How's your conversation with fathe— *his eyes widened*

Kid MC: *crying* Papa...

Theo: You are a beautiful child, MC.

Kid MC: Thank you, Grandp—

Theo: But not perfect. You have one ugly thing about you.

Theo: Those unsightly horns you have on your head.

Kid MC: What do you mean, Grandpa...?

Theo: Right. You're still young to fully grasp the situation. However, it's best that you understand it sooner.

Theo: MC, you don't belong here.

Kid MC: *has ended up falling asleep in Simeon's arms after crying a lot*

Simeon: *kissing their temple as a way of comforting them*

Simeon: It was Papa's fault. I shouldn't have left your side for even a second.

Kid MC: Papa...

Simeon: ...

Simeon: My child... If they don't want you here, then we'll just have to leave this place.

Mammon: What?! Simeon's coming here?! Why?!

Asmo: What's going on, Lucifer?!

Lucifer: It's for the safety of his child.

Satan: *annoyed* Seriously? We haven't settled yet and there'll be more joining us?

Lucifer: I don't need your opinion on this, Satan. Simeon is still our family.

Satan: Family?? After they banished us?!

Lucifer: *sigh* We'll talk later. *and walks away*

Satan: LUCIFER!!!

Levi: Wow... I understand, Simeon. But isn't it worse here?

Beel: Let's think about that later. We have to make sure Satan isn't going to destroy this room again.

Satan: YOU'RE ALWAYS IGNORING ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! I DESPISE YOU!!!

Mammon: Cool it, man. *sigh* What are we going to do with you when our nibling arrives here?

[queersatanic]

Still reading through all the articles and Twitter threads but this has been a WILD ride, it reminds me so much of a (not religious) group I was a part of that I had to leave in my early 20s, and they tried to ruin my life for years. I was attracted to TST for the same reasons everyone is (the tenets, and i really crave a sense of community i can never find) but my gut kept me very hesitant and I was trying to do research by buying a few books and following members etc. The more I did that, the more disappointed I became with what I read/saw, but I told myself maybe it was just those specific people and if I joined a chapter it would feel more like I expected. I'm glad I never made that jump and subsequently found this stuff that affirmed my intuition! Sending you all the strength and fortitude to keep moving forward.

Yeah, the "survivor bias" effect of those who have remained in The Satanic Temple over the years is definitely getting worse, too.

Because most people when they find this stuff out, they leave.

But the ones who stick with it are different, and the culture they've created is something harder and more dangerous in its willingness to defend The Satanic Temple and its owners no matter what, including attacking critics as they claim it's just more defense.

Shit is only going to get worse, sadly.

[fortunatelyhauntedblackcherry]

Moonshine - A Beetlejuice Fanfiction 03

Warning: swearing

Beetlejuice was chilling on the roof, lying on his back, throwing an already dead beetle up and down. He sighed. People were working on the house for 2 weeks now, re-cabling, painting, putting down new floors and water pipes, and now, carrying furniture inside the house. It killed him that he could not scare the workers. Obviously, they didn't see him, and what made it even worse that he was so gloomy that he couldn't even smash shit or move objects. Once he possessed their radio but that was it. They didn't even notice it. He sat up, his feet dangling on the edge of the roof, and ruffled his dark purple hair. He looked up at the sun. He hated it. To be honest, at that moment he hated everything and everyone. Himself too. He was so lonely, so miserable. He just wanted to be seen, to be able to talk with literally anybody, but the workers haven't even noticed the business cards he left around the house with his name on it.

He rubbed his temples and ate the bug he was playing with, then started to look for another one he could play with while it was alive. As soon as he got it out of his coat, it quickly flew away. Red streaks started to appear in his purple hair.

- Fuck, that was the last one I found running around... Ugh God slash Satan why can't you be a tiny bit nicer and NOT RUIN EVERY GODDAMN DAY OF MY AFTERLIFE?!? - then he screamed from the top of his lungs, because he realized that lately, that calmed him down a tad bit.

He suddenly heard a car's breaks creak on the sidewalk. Even though he was pessimistic at the moment, he was curious, who could the new visitor or visitors be? The red streaks disappeared and turned into green ones. He floated to the street-side of the roof to get a better view.

A rather worn Chevrolet van just stopped on the sidewalk. As soon as one of the doors opened up, a huge black dog jumped out. Beetlejuice raised his eyebrows with a slight smile. Dogs saw demons. Maybe that hairy mongrel will be his saviour from the solitude?

A tired voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

- SIRIUS COME BACK!!! IF YOU RUN AWAY AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL GIVE YOUR TOYS AWAY TO BETTER BEHAVING DOGS!!! - a young woman jumped out of the car, looking like a hobo who haven't slept in days. Her sweater was shaggy and grey, just like her shorts, and she almost fell over when she tried to put on her black sneakers. Her red hair was tied into a very messy bun, underpinned with two chopsticks. She started to run after the dog.

- Rei calm down, he just needs to pee! - another voice shouted after her. Another young woman tried to get out of the car, and while doing it, she slammed her head to the door's frame. She rubbed her ginger head and wrinkled her freckled nose as she finally got out. She wore a pair of worn-out black dungarees and a black tanktop. Her ponytail was high and so messed up. - Oh for gods' sake, couldn't we rent a bigger car?!? I literally can't feel my legs, even a shark could've bit them off, I wouldn't notice that either.

Beetlejuice fell to his knees and put his hands in a praying position.

- God? Satan? I don't know who arranged that but thank you! - his hair started to turn fully green. That was a first in months, maybe even a year. Girls living in his house? Hell, he might be invisible but at least he won't be horny all the time.

The second girl put on sunglasses and reached back into the car.

- Come on baby Minerva, you might be a sleppy kitty but you have to see your new hoooome... - she stopped the sweet-talking/babbling and looked inside the car. - Ari, may I ask, with all due respect, that what the everliving fuck are you doing?

- Ohmygod there's three of them. I AM BLESSED! - screamed BJ in a bated voice.

- My door doesn't upen up and I can't exit the car on your side, cause... You know... 60 fuckin boxes between us, so I will open up the roof window.

- Can you?

- If I can't, I will kick it out 'cause I'm BOILING IN HERE.

The girl they previously called Rei came back with the dog.

- What's happening mah dudes?

- Ari's killing herself.

- Again?

- I MEAN YOU COULD HELP FROM THE ROOF OR CALL A WORKER HERE! NOT JUST FUCK AROUND! THANK YOU?!? - shouted the girl from inside the van.

- Kay, kay, chill. I'll tie Sirius' leash to a tree and we'll get you out.

Beetlejuice grinned like an idiot. He will finally have company! He won't spend his days alone for years! Well, technically, yes, he will, bit it won't be as bad as before. He leaned against one of the chimneys.

The other girl climbed up onto the van's roof.

- Yo, Sofi, help me up! - she pulled Rei, who borrowed two crowbars, up onto the van's roof. They pried open the jammed window, and Rei literally threw it away.

- Ahhhh finally, air! I'm glad I'm not claustrophobic, even like this, being in this car for such long hours made me feel like that astronaut. - the third girl, who they called Ari reached out of the window. The other two grabbed her hands. - All I need now is a little space. - the girls lifted her out of the van. Her brown hair was in a messy "bun", which looked more like a birdnest, she wore black ripped shorts, knee-high black socks and a plaid shirt. Beetlejuice wolf-whistled. He really liked the view from up above.

Ari abruptly turned her head.

- Hey, did ya hear that? - she asked the others.

- What? - asked Sofi while they got off the roof. After listening for a bit, Ari waved her hand.

- Nothing... I just thought I heard a wolf-whistle.

[rewrite-canon]

Fifteen Minutes

Monster Prom // No Pairings // 2609 Words // Lyrics by Mike Krol

“What if I told you that the world was gonna end? And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?” Vicky sings, bobbing her head to the tune that seemed to be playing in her head.

“What lame shit are you singing now?” Damien demanded, flicking a finger at her.

“None of your business,” Vicky bristled. “Why do you care anyway?”

I sucked in a breath. Vicky was really pushing it now. I think she is the only one with balls low enough to question Damien. Besides me, obviously. Well, Vera and Brian were plenty badass for it too. But only because Vera had enough brain cells to manipulate the way she said it that it looked like she wasn’t confronting him, and also because Brian gave no fucks whatsoever about Damien’s chaotic behaviour. Even now, I shudder to think of some of the arguments Damien and Brian had had.

And speaking of the devil and his green mates, they were huddled together in a manner that only meant no good. Now, Damien had swivelled around to face Vicky, a sneer on his face. I was sure his eyes would flare in rage at her question (they were always somewhat flared with rage), but instead they narrowed and Damien just frowned.

“Because you're distracting me, Brian and Vera from devising a plan to ransack the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics from hell for when he starts looking at our attendance records,” Damien said, gesturing to Brian, who had looked up blankly, and Vera, who was wearing her trademark scowl.

I should've known. Damien had always had a weird soft spot for Vicky (and Oz and Scott, but everybody had a soft spot for Oz and Scott).

“And steal his things,” Vera added. “I heard ghouls were filthy rich.”

“Great,” Brian rolled his eyes sarcastically at her. “So you're just going to waltz into Mr Devido’s office whilst he's being assaulted by epileptic demons and take your time picking and choosing what's valuable enough for your standards, unaware? Great plan, Vera. I thought you were supposed to be a grand schemer.”

Meanwhile, Vicky went back to humming her little tune. Miranda, who was in the middle of braiding Liam’s hair as he was browsing his phone (a seemingly pure act, if you ignored the fact that he was reading erotic gay smut and she kept rambling on her father’s new murderous conquests), looked up at her and smiled warmly. She soon picked up the few words Vicky sang, and began to sing it too, Liam then unconsciously murmuring them too after a while.

“I am, you ungrateful toad,” Vera snapped in the meantime. “Would you be paying attention to anything else around you if you were being grinded on by demons having seizures?”

Brian seemed to mull it over, then he said, “You’ve got a point.”

Polly, who had her head laid in Oz’s lap (poor Oz was trying to do homework, and ignore the heinous acts his friends were planning to commit) and her feet were resting in Scott’s lap (Scott was just chewing on a football, only to stop, look up, and smile adorably at everybody) and was complaining loudly at how bored and sober she was, and how she hadn't got completely wasted in seven hours.

“Seven hours!” She cried out, either to Oz or Scott, but it might as well of been no one, because no one was really listening. “That's the longest I've ever been without drugs and adrenaline coursing through my undead body! Can you imagine? And it's because I'm hanging out with you borings fuckheads. I mean, I'm literally in the lap of somebody doing fucking homework. I haven't even said the word ‘homework’ in centuries. And I'm not even on Oz’s lap in a sexual way so what even is the fucking point–?”

“–And you had fifteen minutes to spend with me or your friends?”

<!— more —>

“What the fuck are you singing?!” Damien roared at Liam, who jerked in alarm, Miranda, who just grinned evilly, and Vicky, who just rolled her eyes at his drama. “It’s going to make me go insane!”

“More insane than you already are?” I prompted, not being able to help myself.

Damien’s scorching eyes turned to me, and I snickered. He’s so easy to piss off.

“Amira,” he growled at me, “tell Vicky and company to shut the fuck up. They respect you for some reason.”

“It’s because she has really fucking good music taste,” Polly answered for Damien. “Like, it’s seriously good.”

Everyone collectively nodded, and I blushed.

“Wow guys,” I said, feeling this was a good time to talk about Rex Orange County’s new album, “it’s not that–”

“What would you guys do if you had fifteen minutes left in life?” Scott blurted, a troubled (yet absolutely adorable) expression on his face.

“I'd probably try to fuck up the world even more,” Polly said immediately, grinning at the thought. “I think I'd try to burn down everything, spray some secret concoction to get people incredibly horny, watch them get at it as they're burning to death, and I plan to do this all while riding a donkey casually.”

“To be honest, I'd probably try to finish this first and foremost,” Liam said, holding up his phone. Then he smiled goofily. “This shit is good.”

“Would you spend it with me and friends?” Scott said, wide-eyed.

Polly and Liam looked at him, at his vulnerable face, and I knew what they were going to say before they said it.

“Of course!” Polly said enthusiastically. “Yeah, doing all that with you guys would make it even more rad!”

“Yeah,” Liam added, but then blushed in that cute, shy way. “But I don’t know how much you guys would love reading this with me.”

“I’d love doing everything with you both,” Scott grinned, his mood instantly picking up, as Polly choked at the statement. He then turned to look at Damien and Oz.

“How about you two?” Scott queried, and I laughed a bit about how Damien’s face scrunched up as he started to think about. No doubt he was using his maximum brain power.

“To be honest, I’m probably the one who is ending the world,” Damien remarked, and everyone started to nod their heads in agreement. “So, sorry about that in advance.”

“I’d probably have to finish this Monsters' History homework first,” Oz said, gesturing awkwardly at his essay he was writing out, “and then I’d probably straighten up all my debts and then–”

“Oh my Satan, Oz, shut it,” Damien said, massaging his temples, as if Oz’s statement caused him physical harm. “It makes me sad, that you would say that. And it also makes me impeccably annoyed with you. And now I feel hostile.”

“When do you not feel hostile, though?” Vicky and I said at the same time, and then we grin at each other and high five.

Damien glared at us, whilst Oz is quick to defuse the fire.

“Well, sorry Damien, but I'm just being honest,” he said quickly, drawing Damien’s attention to him (which is kinda ballsy, if I do say so myself). “But what I do know,” Oz continued bravely, under Damien's smouldering gaze, “is that I wouldn't mind ending the world with you, Damien.”

It's hilarious, seeing Damien’s naturally red face get even redder, and to see Oz realise what he just said and sputter innocently. Vera, however, is not pleased.

“Oh,” she said, sniffing in jealous offence (that takes me all the willpower I possessed not to burst into giggling fits, and I could see I wasn't the only one struggling there, because Polly was just barely keeping it down), “I see how it is. You would destroy the world with Damien, but not with me, Oz?”

“What? No! Of course I would want to do everything with you–” and then Oz’s voice died and Polly finally lost it, which made me burst as well, and the next thing you know Vicky was also giggling along with us. Even Brian seemed to be smirking.

Vera glared at us, which made Vicky and me shut up, and Brian just lost his amused expression naturally, but Polly was undeterred.

“For the record,” Damien said in a weird, insecure, shy tone that made him sound like an entirely different person. “I don't, you know, mind doing homework or whatever nerdy stuff with you, Oz.”

And now Brian was the one sputtering.

“Oh you fucking snot,” he spat, and both Damien and Oz flinched before they could get any more flustered (watching those two try to interact and connect was the funniest shit ever, everyone agreed). “So when I asked for you to hang out with me when I was doing my homework, do you remember what you told me? You told me to get fucked!”

Was it just me, or did Brian genuinely sound hurt? It must've not only been me, because Scott started to pout and put a gentle (albeit big and hairy) hand on Brian’s shoulder, which at least made Brian relax at his touch a bit (if anyone had the power of friendship at their fingertips, it was Scott). Even Liam looked up, vaguely distraught.

“That was only because you had Liam and Miranda over,” Damien, sniffing indignantly. “And if I went, I knew you wouldn't stop making heart eyes at Miranda, so I blew it off to commit tax fraud with Amira. But if you really wanted me to come, then you should've just, you should've just–”

Damien looked at a loss.

“Told him how you really felt?” Vicky prompted, and Damien snapped his fingers.

“Yes!” He exclaimed. “That.”

“What would you do then, Brian and Vera? If you had fifteen minutes?” Miranda asked this time, her eyes shining with curiosity.

“Spend all the millions I’ve earned to hire a gang and assassinate anyone who had ever crossed me,” Vera said without hesitating. “Then, I shall have them skinned and made into fabulous purses. And then I will sell those purses to earn me even more money, and use that to buy us all really expensive, furnished mansions, with servants and multicultural cuisines and everything, so we can live the rest of our lives in absolute luxury.”

Awww. That was actually quite adorable. Vera cares about our lifestyles too!

“And you plan to do this all in fifteen minutes?” Liam asked, deadpan.

“You'd be surprised at how efficient I am,” Vera sniffed, but I didn't think I'd actually be that surprised.

“Definitely not hang out with Damien,” Brian sniffed sourly after Vera had shared. “I guess try to finish off ransacking the new substitute’s office with horny epileptics with Vera. And then, I don't know. Relax and await my death.”

“Well, that's fucking depressing,” Polly murmured to me. “And I didn't know I was capable of getting depressed.”

I snorted. Was she still astounded about how somber Brian was?

“Wouldn't you still have to hang out with Damien to continue your plan with the horny epileptics, though?” Liam asked.

“Well, yeah, fine,” Brian said, not making eye contact with his demon friend (who was trying to make eye contact with him, and honestly, it was shocking how much Brian and Damien got into their own squabbles). “But I don't have to talk to him. That can be Vera’s job.”

“I'm not being your owl!” Vera hissed at him, and she actually hissed. Her small green snakes on her head did too, showing how much she detested the idea.

“What if you were paid?” Miranda queried, probably just out of curiosity, but Vera’s hissing ceased immediately.

Before Vera could discuss any specifics, Vicky butted in.

“I’ve thought about this one,” she said smugly, and no one was surprised. Number one, Vicky had thought about scenarios for everything. And number two, she probably would've thought of this before if she knew the song beforehand. “I would make it my life's goal to find the tastiest flavour of ice cream in all the dimensions! And once I find that ice cream, I will use a device that I would have Calculester make me, that clones the ice cream! And then I will bring all the ice cream back to this dimension and invite all of you guys over and we can eat the ice cream together!”

Everyone seemed to enjoy that idea, except one frowning ghost.

“Um, hello?” Polly asked, raising a hand and gesturing to herself. “Did you forget about me?”

“Of course not!” Vicky exclaimed emotionally. “Caculester is now working on a device that makes food into incorporeal substance that you can digest, Polly. Because, seriously, it breaks my heart that you can't eat. It really does.”

Polly seemed satisfied enough with that answer.

“How did you get Calculester to do that for you?” I ask.

Vicky winked. “Let's just say I turned on my unwavering charm to that library computer. And he didn't stand a chance.”

“If I had fifteen minutes left, I would want to be coronated,” Miaranda said, poshly. “I would invite you all to my coronation, of course. And then once I am mermaid queen I will throw an amazing national party for all of us to enjoy, whilst forcing my endless numbers of slaves to fight each other to the death for our entertainment! Oh, I can see it all coming together!”

Miranda’s expression turned dreamy, which was cute but also quite disturbing since she was thinking about bloodshed. Damien started to nod in approval, though. He seemed to like the idea. Bloody royals.

“I would want to take all of you to the park, where we can have a picnic, and hold hands, and give each other gifts to show how much we care for one another!” Scott said, his tail wagging happily. “And then we can sing songs and die happy with each other, knowing that we love us!”

Scott was so adorable, everyone looked misty-eyed. Vicky leapt up to wrap her arms around Scott, her affection for him seeming to be too overwhelming for her (Scott didn't complain, though). Brian was smiling, and seemed to forget about his brief argument with Damien, because now they were both grinning at each other. Liam was even beaming.

“Ew,” Vera finally said. “I can't believe you all liked that.” She pointed a finger at Scott. “Say that again and you will give me diabetes. I just hope you know that.”

But we all knew she secretly liked the sodding friendship story Scott came up with.

“What's diabetes?” Scott said, bushy eyebrows creasing.

“How about you, Amira?” Oz piped up, and all eyes were suddenly on me. “You haven't said what you would do.”

I mulled it over for a bit, but then spoke up without there being much mental contest.

“Probably make you all listen to the new Rex Orange County playlist,” I said, and Vicky and Damien sniggered.

“You're so predictable,” Vicky giggled.

“What can I say?” I shrug, breaking into a smile too. “My reputation precedes me.”

We all sit there in contented silence for a bit, just enjoying and treasuring one another.

“There's just one problem,” I said, drawing everyone's attention again. “How would we plan to do all of what we all want to do in fifteen minutes? Seems impossible.”

Brian started to smirk, and then Miranda started to smile, and soon Polly was also grinning.

“We’d figure it out,” Brian said. “I bet we would. We've already done so many impossible things in our weirdass lifetimes.”

I shared a smile with him.

“Yeah,” I said finally. “Fifteen minutes is nothing for us.”

[theravenclawrevolutionary]

A Good Omens Fanfic I thought of While Serving Mass because I'm ever so holy.

Sorry that the boys are kinda out of character. I had writer's block while writing but oh well. We don't wait for inspiration we fall like Crowley. Original Bible story linked below. Because as the totally good model Catholic child I am I now think of GO every time I go to mass now.

--------------------------------------------------

There were many things that Crowley enjoyed doing with his infinite amount of free time. There were also many things Aziraphale enjoyed doing with his equally infinite amount of free time. At this particular time, neither thing happened to be each other. Instead, it was alcohol. Drinking extraordinary amounts of it.

“Do… Do ya… Ngk. D’you think that you... you’d wanna do this again later this week Angel?” Crowley slurred, smiling messily over his new sunglasses at his drinking partner who had just taken another sip. “Like… like… erm... Friday or somethin’?” Aziraphale set down his glass and pondered the question for a moment before shaking his head furiously.

“No... no I mustn't,” he said nervously. His fingers, Crowley noticed, we’re tracing anxious patterns onto the table. “We… we... really… No. We ought not to. I mean we really shouldn’ even be here now. After all, if my superiors found out we’d met…And I… I got somethin’ important to do any day now. That young man the Almighty sent for the humans, Jesus, I think his name is?” Crowley nodded shortly, took another swig, and motioned for him to continue, wondering what that had to do with anything. “They haven't told me what yet, but I have to do something."

"F*ck," Crowley yelled, slamming his cup down onto the table so hard it spilled. "F*ck, f*ck, sh*t, f*ck, F*CK! I completely forgot… I gotta go. See ya 'round Angel." And with a slam of the door he left the pub.

“Right. Yes. Erm… see you around I guess," Aziraphale said

With a quick miracle Crowley sobered himself up, straightened his glasses, and stormed off. This Jesus bloke was really messing with plans. Why couldn’t they get Beelzebub or some demon that actually cared to tempt him. But no! As the only bloody demon on Earth it had to be him.

    “Ello,” Crowley said from where he appeared, mericaling himself already leaning casually against a nearby rock. “It’s been what, forty days? Yeah. Somethin’ like that. You’re that Jesus kid ‘m guessing?” The young man in front of him nodded slowly, and absentmindedly ran his fingers through his long dark hair as if not quite sure how to respond. Crowley took it as an invitation to keep talking. “ “Oh come on! You’re not so holier-than-thou that you’re not going to talk to me are you? I’ve got places to go, demon things to do!” Still Jesus said nothing. “So. You humans have to eat and you’ve been here for... however long I forgot about you. I can turn those rocks into bread for you.” 

    He snapped his fingers, momentarily transforming the rocks into freshly baked loaves of bread. With a grin he snapped again, changing them back to the rocks they'd been before. With that he paused and looked at the young man across from him. "Well I suppose you COULD do that yourself, couldn't you. Being the son of the Almighty and all that. That IS something you can do right? Make these stones bread, or whatever it is humans eat these days. Personally, I don't eat. Don't really see the appeal.  But Azira- er... my ah... friend does." For the first time since Crowley had arrived, his companion spoke.

    "'It is written that one does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' I will not eat your devil food, foul creature." Crowley glared at the young man. He was used to being called many things like The Serpent of Eden which he took as a complement, even if it was only the truth. However, foul creature seemed a bit much, not that it wasn't true either. At least by Jesus' standards.

    "What the f*ck was that for? Name calling isn't all that holy of you. And I haven't even started... oh. You thought that was me trying to tempt you? Please. I have much f*ckin' higher standards than that. Just you wait." Jesus looked at him passively. There was almost no emotion on his face. This offended Crowley, who had wanted to be at least a little impressive. Not, he told himself, that it really mattered. "Anyway," he said, trying to keep his tone light and conversational. "How 'bout a little change of scenery?" With another unnecessary snap of his fingers he brought them to the top of Jerusalem's temple.

    "What are you doing now," Jesus asked, curious against his better judgement. 

    "Changing the scenery," Crowley responded dryly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What did I just say? And don't worry. No one can see us. At least not really. Consider that a little demonic blessing if you will."

    "I don't want it," Jesus said. "I appreciate your concern, but take it off please." Crowley ignored him.

    "On a completely unrelated note I think you should jump. Not that I really want you to die or anything. But it would really help me make sure I've got the right 'Son of God' or whatever. I know it says somewhere in that bible Azir- er my friend from before reads, that if you do that then angels are going to catch you or something. Something about not letting your foot dash against a rock or something."

“Again it is written, 'You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test'. You will never win Raphael Once Angel of the Lord.”

"Huh," Crowley said, grimacing for a millisecond before covering it with a half smirk. "That... that's a name I haven't heard in millennia. But the thing is I can't very well put the 'Lord my God' to the test if I'm fallen. I don't really have much of a god anymore." Jesus pursed his lips and crossed his arms but said nothing. Clearly Crowley had a point, even if he didn't want to admit it.For the third and final time that day Crowley snapped his fingers and brought the two of them back to the desert they originally started in. "Right. Well this is the tempting bit I'm supposed to do. Legally required and all that sh*t."

"Must you use such crude language demon?"

"Yes. Sh*t, F*ck, d*mn, and all that. Plus I have a name. Not one that I'm telling you, but I have one. Now shut up and let me do my thing." Jesus sighed but let him continue. "So if you'd look over there you'll see all the kingdoms in the whole bloody world. I'm supposed to tell you that we'll give you all of them, if you just worship Satan. That's all there is to it. And it's really not so bad. Not IF you get used to it." It was a desperate but required attempt. Crowley didn't really care whether Jesus said yes or no. If he said yes, he'd get a huge commendation. If he said no they'd blame it on the fact that he was the son of the Almighty.

“Get away, demon! It is written: The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.” 

"Yeah. Thought that was gonna happen. Coulda gone worse. See ya 'round kid. And just a warning. Things are gonna get a LOT worse after this. Just don't blame me for it. Pretty sure an angel's supposed to show up around here some time in the near future." With a final grin flashed in Jesus' direction and a wave of his hand for dramatic effect Crowley turned into his snake form and slithered away. One hour and several minutes later a slightly flustered angel who had been on earth for quite some time arrived.

"Oh dear... I'm ever so sorry. I... I had something I had to finish doing. Did I... did I keep you waiting long Lord?" Jesus smiled kindly down at Aziraphale.

"No Principality Aziraphale. Not long. Come, sit. Let us eat." Beaming, Aziraphale sat beside the savior of the world, who made a mental note about that 'something' the angel had mentioned. Jesus, son of the Almighty and savior of the Earth, would have bet everything then and there that Aziraphale's 'something' he'd been doing was the demon that had left.

--------------------------------------------------

[redsabbat]

Id argue that the Theistic Satanist is the genuine one. Michael Aquino puts it well:

The more I read here from persons whose only experience with the "Church of Satan" is post‐1975, the sorrier I feel for them. Up to 1975 the Church was a very open, friendly, happy, and ‐ how can I put it? ‐ kick‐ass organization. Sure, there was an occasional jerk, but such was utterly incidental to the overall pleasure and exuberance of the Satanist experience. Anton bounced around the country visiting Grottos, whose members heralded him at ceremonies, took him to dinner, and showed him the town; there was a lively succession of interGrotto activities, regional conclaves, newsletters everywhere. In those pre‐Internet times the personal, telephone, and postal activity was a constant cascade.

And of course it was an organization of "joiners"! Most people who encountered the Church didn't know squat about Satanism, witchcraft, Black Magic, and all the other topics of interest. They joined the Church precisely to learn about these things, test‐drive them individually and cooperatively, influence & prank society, and have some pizza & root beer betweentimes. The initiatory degrees were all methodically refined and formalized over the years; if a Warlock II° or a Priestess III° from anywhere walked through the door, everyone knew to what extent they had their Satanic shit together.

Did I forget to mention that we all believed in the literal existence of Satan and the Dæmons/Powers of Darkness? Hey, that's why it was called THE‐CHURCH‐OF‐SATAN. Was there a lot of metaphorical use of Satan's name too? Sure, as with any divinity and its cultural influences throughout history. Today I am still stunned by the number of atheists, both post‐75‐Anton‐affiliates and others, who have this bizarre, even frantic compulsion to style themselves "Satanists". Yes, it's a cooler name than "Atheist" or "materialist". Yes, it just makes you sound pretentious, silly, and glamour‐wistful if you really, finally, aren't one.

I sought to preserve something of the great Magical Mystery Tour of the real Church of Satan in my Church of Satan ebook, which if you haven't yet read I invite you to download. I wanted ‐ still want ‐ to take you back there, share the adventure, meet Satan face‐to‐face as we all did.

As for the crisis of 1975, it was sudden, shocking, and incomprehensible. Thereafter we tried to pay as little attention to what was happening under the Church's name as possible, frankly because everything we did hear was degrading, embarrassing, and depressing. I can't tell you how many times I had to apologize to people that it wasn't anything like that 1966‐75; that's one of the reasons I finally took the time to write the ebook.

What I see today under the area of "Satanism" is, in a word, chaos. Anton, Gilmore, Densley, et al. fucked the concept up so thoroughly in the last 34 years that it's a wonder anyone bothers with it anymore. People occasionally ask me to recommend a good purely‐Satanist religious institution; I can't think of one anywhere on the planet to which I would recommend a discerning adult. Can any of you?

Just look at this Forum, which is as sincere and serious a venue for Satanism as I've currently encountered. The undercurrent and outbursts of defensiveness, bitterness, and frustration here are palpable. These things don't just happen spontaneously; they are the result of idealism shattered, curiosity disillusioned, the creative impulse thwarted. At its core, Satanism is an atomic explosion in your soul; like Dr. Frankenstein you "want to see it at its full power". You absolutely don't have time for villagers with torches.

As some of you know, the Temple of Set includes a number of specialized Orders , for Setians with concentrated interests and experience. Some years ago we wondered about an Order of Satan, for Satanism ‐ the idea being to recapture the original vision that we had left behind us in 1975. We concluded that we couldn't do it ‐ not because we couldn't do a great pageant of it, but because we had all gone so far beyond that idiom that it would be pointless beyond Halloween‐party theatrics. Once having met Obi‐wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker cannot just go back to his farm again.

So what can I say to today's aspiring Satanists: the real ones who have the courage, honor, and dignity to, as per G.B. Shaw, "promise him your soul, to stand up for him in this world and stand by him in the next"?

I would first exhort you that, if sincere, this is the highest and most noble affirmation you will ever experience. All that it brings to you, all the doors it opens, all of its dangers and delights will follow from this sacred moment. And no, you will never be able to go back to the Tatooine farm again either.

I would not bother advising you to disregard the atheists trying to clothe themselves in the magic robes of Satanists. They do not fool the Prince of Darkness, nor you, nor even themselves. They are but dust in the wind.

--

TL;DR - shut the fuck up, atheist

I keep trying to tell this like 15 year old kid in my satanist study group that satanists don't actually worship satan and that her "traditional" satanism belief can't possibly be a thing because satan can't exist. Satanism is satanism and satanism is atheistic at is roots. So how do I get through to her that she isn't a satanist and she should stop calling herself that?

How do you know Satan doesn't exist? Have you proved it? Because that would be a major scientific breakthrough if you have.

Atheistic Satanism is just one branch of Satanism, not the definition of Satanism. It may certainly be the most mainstream but it isn't the only way to be a Satanist.

I suggest you apologise to the kid for attempting to gatekeep unnecessarily. They've done nothing wrong. They are indeed a Satanist and have a right to be in your group.

[queersatanic]

I joined TST about a year ago (but haven't gotten too involved due to the pandemic and my own personal anxiety) and was wondering if you had more sources for all the claims you make against them. I've tried doing my own research, but haven't been able to find much backing up your claims (not that I'm saying you're wrong.) I've noticed quite a few red flags ever since I joined, and am considering dropping my membership to become an "independent Satanist," but I would really appreciate some more concrete sources for why TST isn't as great as they make themselves out to be. It's hard to find much of anything about them online, but most of what I can find just talks about their "activism." (Although it's very likely that I'm not looking hard enough, or maybe just not looking in the right places.) I know you sometimes put sources on your posts about TST, but the ones I've read don't seem to have much information about the topics you're addressing.

The Satanic Wiki is going to link to a lot of primary sources, like government registries and financial documents.

The very, very long piece we did on the history of The Satanic Temple's co-owner and chief speaker Lucien Greaves as well as the fundamental problems with TST's structure utilizes the Wiki but also repeatedly links to news articles, first-person accounts from other members, and statements directly from Lucien Greaves and Cevin Soling themselves.

Same with our Twitter megathread thread, also available on Ye Olde Tumblr.

Both of those have copious sourcing.

There is no shortage of people talking firsthand about the problems with The Satanic Temple, and for all that TST defenders will say, "That was long ago. Things have changed!", they are never really able to point to exactly how things were changed, addressed, corrected, etc. Since it keeps happening.

Honestly, the biggest change may be that they wrapped more people up in NDAs and have been willing to threaten lawsuits against them (like with us), so the "TST is bad, actually, and treated people terribly" posts are fewer not because of an improvement in their behavior but their ability to more effectively silence dissent.

So, a bunch more of those articles under the break.

A lot of these links were even included as "evidence" in a now-dismissed defamation allegation against us, as well as our own explanation of what we learned from former members after we were ghosted by the local TST and accused of a coup.

Once of the requirements of defamation is that the plaintiff demonstrate where something is untrue rather than just makes them feel bad, which TST never bothered to do. So much for "freedom to offend" and "anything that can be destroyed by truth should never be spared its demise."

If you're looking for news articles, Anna Merlan's pieces for The Village Voice and Jezebel are very good critical, rather than fawning, looks at TST in 2014 and 2018, respectively.

But the Riverfront Times article about the Mary Doe case in Missouri by by journalist Danny Wicentowski is probably the gold standard for understanding why they just are not competent litigators and should not be supported by anyone, financially or otherwise.

[queersatanic]

One of the things you notice about The Satanic Temple pretty quickly is that "slander" just means "things we don't like, especially if they're true", and of course their fourth tenet about "freedom to offend" only ever goes in the one direction

But this "the TV show writers and network should apologize!!" stuff is straight out of the Catholic League. Bill Donahue is embarrassed for them.

Imagine enshrining "the freedom to offend" in your religion, parading around proud of being legally recognized as a religion

...then being so upset about how free speech is actually understood by the law that parody is something that people "get away with."

As we've pointed out before, that episode of the Paramount+ TV show "Evil" was actually rather generous given the actual origins of The Satanic Temple as a Spectacle Films project that just got out of hand.

It was an especially charitable episode given that the two owners of TST set up their T-shirt selling, intellectual property owning for profit corporation United Federation of Churches LLC and years later pursued nonprofit church status for a different entity, "The Satanic Temple (Inc)", after it already had an entity with IRS-approved nonprofit status: Reason Alliance Ltd.

It's just that normal nonprofits have to say where their money is coming and going. And churches don't.

We can't know their hearts, but Lucien Greaves and Cevin Soling probably realized that being so open about turning around and sending money given to their nonprofit Reason Alliance to the for-profit corp United Federation of Churches LLC d/b/a The Satanic Temple would eventually raise some questions. But two entities named "The Satanic Temple" sharing the same website, HQ, and branding, neither one reporting its finances publicly? Maybe no one would notice.

By comparison, the TV show "Evil" ends up being extraordinarily charitable to their universe's "The New Ministry of Satan", all things considered.

In addition to "Evil" making sure their Baphomet statue was quite distinct from TST's Instagram prop, that may be why The Satanic Temple is unlikely to come after CBS or Paramount+ the same way it went after Netflix and Warner Bros.

Soling and Greaves don't actually want a news story that would draw attention to just what the hell they're doing with all of those front companies and all that damn money they keep bringing in.

Note: We're not going to link back to the Twitter conversation, even tho it is public, b/c the people having it mostly aren't anybody. It's just representative of where TST's core members are at this point, and the level of paranoia they're operating at.

Negative things about their chosen organization couldn't possibly be valid; it must be that some secret group of enemies is organizing against them, and they're beset on all sides, and it's SLANDER to point out stuff their glorious leaders said in the past. Etc.

It's funny how hypocritical they are about it, but it's also really sad, and ultimately, it's dangerous and harmful. And we hope everyone gets out without being hurt too badly or helping TST keep hurting others badly.

[Red]

> Somehow, I knew @LucienGreaves would make the jump to a badly-fictionalized TV character someday. IRS recognition was a scheme to dodge taxes on T-shirt sales? Thanks to [blue] for catching this. @CBS: Apologize and stop slandering people.

[Red]

Den of Geek directly notes the similarities between "Graham Lucien" and LG in their recap. I haven't watched the episode, but it sure looks like a deliberate attempt to raise doubt about Greaves as a faith leader and TST as a legitimate religion.

[Green] replying to [Red]

i agree that they should apologize. This episode (haven’t watched any of the rest of the show) was some of the laziest writing i’ve ever endured. One episode felt like an eternity **tiniest of silver-linings** this show is so fucking cheesy, only a fool would take it seriously.

[Red] replying to [Green]

Oh wow. That was pretty bad. I would say it's clear this show will be cancelled and forgotten soon, but then again, "Duck Dynasty" was on the air for 11 seasons. Never underestimate the bad taste of the American viewing public.

[Blue] replying to [Red]

I generally like the show, to me it’s like a detective drama with supernatural/sci-fi subjects. It’s kinda goofy but entertaining. And I absolutely love Mike Colter. This episode however was very frustrating. As soon as they said “new ministry of Satan” I was like oh boy. Then they showed the building and introduced the Graham Lucien Character and I was like “this feels like an attack”

[Yellow] replying to [Red]

It is slander. Our cofounders have sacrificed so much to give people a community… just for some shitty TV show to call them con men? Not to mention the way it devalues our entire religion. @/paramountplus & the writers of @/evil should apologize to Lucien and TST adherents

[Pink] replying to [Green]

I am afraid of the show getting attention. I won’t watch it so it won’t a view. Grimacing face It sounds like they copied the complaints on Twitter from members who left TST. I’m sure they will get away with it because of parody law.

[Blue] replying to [Pink]

Part of me wonders which one of our haters has a job over there.

[queersatanic]

It may not be obvious yet, but this is the first in a series. In the future, we're going to delve more into how all of these overlapping and interrelated corporations that share the same location and owner(s) is not just some savvy limitation of tax liabilities.

But if you're looking for deeper and more structural criticism already, we also recently finished this article:

"well you see, the for-profit United Federation of Churches LLC does business as 'The Satanic Temple', but the old name of the non-profit church 'The Satanic Temple Inc' was ALSO just 'The Satanic Temple', so you have to go by federal EIN & secretary of state ID number for corporations" just very normal, very cool, very on-the-level religion things, obv

[actual image of describing in person the situation of who is suing @QueerSatanic, colorized]

[queersatanic]

A lot of what we've talked about is fun, and as much harm as they're doing, The Satanic Temple is mainly wasting the time and resources of the government.

But here Matt Kezhaya switches to talking about something much more sinister:

An Austin individual who I am now suing for defamation reported me to the Minnesota bar because I included her “real identity” in a demand letter and because I was mean to her compatriots on the internet.

This. Rat. Fuck.

A woman, The Satanic Housewife, warned people on TikTok that The Satanic Temple cannot help people get abortions and has a history of abusive behavior.

TST threatened to sue her and forced her to record a "retraction" which she read verbatim under the threat of litigation.

The Satanic Temple sued her anyway.

Nevermind that she was largely accurate, and overly generous where she was inaccurate:

The Satanic Housewife's complaint, by the way, was that The Satanic Temple had sent her government name and home address out to a bunch of random email addresses they thought might be hers, while identifying her as a Satanist in the process.

Not really "being mean on the Internet", is it?

These are people who spend your money to support literal fascists, intimidate critics, and now we know, actually pay contractors to stalk their "suppressive persons" online.

How can you continue to support The Satanic Temple and make excuses for them?

"At least they're DOING something!"

This is what these ghouls are doing. They've done worse that will come out. They will do worse that will come out. But this is enough.

Or at least it should be.

It has cost us $100,000 now to defend ourselves from Doug Misicko's and Cevin Soling's punitive lawsuit.

We have suffered harassment and our loved ones have been stalked by people apparently paid to do it, likely paid out of donations people think are helping fight for abortion access.

If you want to know more, we have tried hard to make it easier to read and understand for everyone.

But know this: this is not a fight between equals. This is not a matter of "drama", and whatever problems you have with our "tone" or our "tactics" or think we "fucked around" and now are "finding out", just remember that The Satanic Temple will not stop with — because they haven't.

We were not the first people TST threatened to sue, and since we've stood tall, they also have sued Newsweek, it's reporter as an individual, and now this woman who made a video on TikTok:

If you are organizing on antifascist, antiracist, and anarchist principles, do not let members of The Satanic Temple into your spaces.

Not even their local chapters, not even their "independent" members who just like to say "Hail Satan!" and enjoy how The Satanic Temple pisses off conservatives.

Because if TST supporters are willing to justify all of this on behalf of their organization, we can say with some experience there is no bottom to what else they will go along with.

The Satanic Temple is an abusive, incompetent religious organization

We have made a lot of detailed criticism about The Satanic Temple while providing copious sourcing so no one needs to have faith in us or our characterizations of this abusive, incompetent religious organization.

There is no real disputing what is verifiable or defending what is indefensible.

And yet: Many still seem to think that "at least The Satanic Temple is doing something" in the fight for abortion access and justify their donations and other support accordingly.

Well, let's look at what the Temple is doing in Texas with the federal abortion-access case TST has been pursuing since February 2021.

First some idea of scale.

With the help of overly credulous traditional media seeking clicks and the exploitation of desperate, vulnerable people looking for a reason to hope, TST raised hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations between the announcement of the Texas "'bounty bill" going into effect in September 2021 and the end of Roe v. Wade in June 2022.

But it's hard to track exactly how much TST is bringing in beyond what they announce themselves, whether programs like "Amazon Smile" are included or in-addition-to, and then of course all of the for-profit corporations and their revenue sources.

Stuff like membership cards people also buy because they think it provides abortion protections sends money to for-profit United Federation of Churches, LLC, dba "The Satanic Temple", for example, not tax-exempt church The Satanic Temple (Inc.).

All of that money pouring into TST's coffers, controlled by just two men, and to be spent on what — we don't know what.

But we can see some of the court cases and how they're going; in fact, most are not about abortion at all and are going quite poorly.

The Satanic Temple is very bad at court cases.

For The Satanic Temple, Inc. et al v. Hellerstedt et al ("Ann Doe I"), we can see that the case is currently paused because TST's lead counsel Matt Kezhaya, who is based out of Arkansas and Minnesota, is appearing as a guest in Texas (that is, "pro hac vice").

However, Kezhaya has behaved so badly in other courts across the country, he's been sanctioned at least twice since TST Inc. v Hellerstedt started.

The federal district court judge in Texas stopped everything till Kezhaya explained himself to the court.

This is that explanation: