#Which takes place around 6th-7th years and i’m used to drawing them as such

[skrewtiny]

Huzzah i have finished it :D

Thank you everyone who gave me a character idea ^^

i would tag you all but i’m afraid of pinging people lol

And i did draw Lottie and Cass in different outfits than their normal ones, for more of a variation in how i draw them :b

[celestialmazer]

Julie Mehretu, Untitled 2, 1999. Private collection. Courtesy of White Cube. © Julie Mehretu

Julie Mehretu, Hineni (E. 3:4), 2018. Centre Pompidou, Paris, Musée national d’art moderne/Centre de création industrielle; gift of George Economou, 2019. © Julie Mehretu. Photography:Tom Powel Imaging

Julie Mehretu, Mind-Wind Field Drawings (quarantine studio, d.h.) #1, 2019-2020. Private collection, courtesy Marian Goodman Gallery New York/Paris. © Julie Mehretu. Photography courtesy Marian Goodman Gallery

Julie Mehretu, Mogamma (A Painting in Four Parts) Part 1, 2012. Guggenheim Abu Dhabi. © Julie Mehretu. Photography: White Cube, Ben Westoby

Julie Mehretu, Conjured Parts (eye), Ferguson, 2016. The Broad Art Foundation, Los Angeles. © Julie Mehretu. Photography: Cathy Carver

Julie Mehretu, Migration Direction Map (large), 1996. Private collection. © Julie Mehretu. Photography: Tom Powel Imaging

At home with artist Julie Mehretu

CAMILLE OKHIO - 25 MAR 2021

Julie Mehretu speaks with the joy and conviction of someone who has had the freedom to investigate all their interests. Curiosity has led her to the myriad topics, objects and moments that inform her work, among them cartography, archaeology, the birth of civilisation and mycology. Since the 1990s, her practice has expanded outwardly in all directions like a spider web. A lack of understanding and preconceived notions among reviewers have often led to her work being flattened – simplified so that it is easily digestible – but in reality, her work is far from a simplistic investigation of any one topic. It encompasses multitudes.

The artist’s recent paintings are mostly large scale, but her early works on paper (often created with multiple layers – one sheet of Mylar on top of another) are as small as a six-inch square. The works often comprise innumerable minuscule markings – tremendous force and knowledge communicated through delicate inkings and streaks. Their layers reveal, rather than obfuscate. And though Mehretu’s creative process springs from a desire to understand herself better, the work itself is in no way autobiographical. 

Born in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, on the tails of a continental rejection of colonialism, and raised there, then in Michigan, Mehretu has a flexible and full-hearted understanding of home. It is not one physical place, but many, all holding equal importance. On 25 March, Mehretu will present her first major retrospective at the Whitney Museum of American Art, with works spanning 1996 to 2019. The institution is an important one for Mehretu, as it played host to several pivotal shows in her youth.

Her exhibition has served as an impetus for Mehretu to look back at her already prolific career, observing and organising the thoughts, questions and answers she has put forth for over two decades. The six years it took to bring this exhibition together proved an incredibly valuable time of reflection, fatefully dovetailing with a year of quarantine. 

Wallpaper*: Where are you as we speak?

Julie Mehretu: I’m in my studio on 26th Street, right on the West Side Highway. I’ve worked here for 11 years.

W*: Are there any artists, writers or thinkers that have had a meaningful impact on you?

JM: I don’t know how to answer that because there are literally so many! It’s constantly changing. Right now, Kara Walker, David Hammons, William Pope.L, and younger artists like Jason Moran (who has made amazing work around abstraction). There are so many artists that have been informative and important to me: Frank Bowling, Jack Whitten, Caravaggio.

I also look at a lot of prehistoric work, from as far back as 60,000 years ago, as well as cave paintings from 6th century China and early prehistoric drawings in the caves of Australia. 

W*: What’s the most interesting thing you have read, watched or listened to recently?

JM: For the last few weeks I’ve been immersed in Steve McQueen films. I’ve been bingeing on lovers rock music. And a TV show that really moved me was [Michaela Cole’s] I May Destroy You. It’s difficult, but it was really well done and powerful. 

Ocean Vuong’s novel On Earth We Are Briefly Gorgeous is amazing. The Mushroom at the End of the World by Anna Lowenhaupt Tsing is a really incredible book too – she studies this mushroom that became a delicacy in Japan in the 7th century. It started growing in deforested areas – it’s in these places destroyed by human beings that these mushrooms survive. [I find it interesting] that this mushroom grows on the edge of precarity and destruction. Like with Black folks, there is a constant aspect of insisting on yourself and reinventing yourself in the midst of constant effort of destruction. 

W*: What was the first piece of art you remember seeing? How did you feel about it?

JM: One of the first times I remember being moved by a work of art was looking through my mother’s Rembrandt book. We brought so few things back from Ethiopia and that was one of them. [Particularly] Rembrandt’s The Sacrifice of Isaac. That story is so intense. I was so moved by the light and the skin and the way the paint made light and skin. 

W*: Do you travel? If so, what does travel afford you, and what have you missed about it during Covid-19?

JM: I travel a lot, but I haven’t travelled this year. There has been this amazing sense of suspension and a pause in that. I miss travelling, but going to look at art, watching films, reading novels and listening to music is the way I travel now. For instance, I’ve been listening to Afro-Peruvian music and now I want to go to Peru.

Before I know it we will be back in this fast-paced, zooming-around environment – there is something I want to savour by staying here, now, in this time and absorbing as much as I can.

W*: You are said to have a vast collection of objects and images. Walk me through your collection – what areas, materials, makers and things have the largest presence and why?

JM: When you enter our home there is this long hallway. Framed along the wall we have around 20 fluorescent Daniel Joseph Martinez block-printed posters he made with words – almost poems. Our kids grew up reading those. One says ‘Sometimes I can’t breathe’ and another one says ‘Don’t work’, while some are really long.

We also have a great Paul Pfeiffer photograph of one from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse series. We have a group of Richard Tuttle etchings right over our dining table. We have an amazing David Hammons body print as well, and my kids’ work is all over the house.

W*: As the daughter of immigrants and an immigrant yourself – how do you conceptualise home and how do you create it?

JM: There were a lot of times I felt very transient – as a student and a young adult, going in and out of school and residency programmes. It always came back to music and food. There are certain flavours, foods, music, smells that you take wherever you go. Also as a mother, I’m building a home for my children. Home becomes something else because of them. They are the core of home now. 

W* How has motherhood affected your practice?

JM: I became much more productive when I had kids for several reasons – one is that I felt a lot of pressure to make [work] in the time I wasn’t with them, which of course is unsustainable. A large part of making is not making – thinking and searching. 

When I got to work I could get into it much more quickly. Kids grow and change so fast, you feel time is passing so you need to use it. I wasn’t going to stop working, that’s for sure. All women who are pushing in their lives make that choice. 

W*: What is your favourite myth and why does it hold importance for you?

JM: Right now I’m reading Greek myths to my ten-year-old. We’ve read them before, but he wanted to read them again. I still read to him at night even though he’s a voracious reader himself.

The myths I remember the most are myths I’ve come across in visual works. Titian’s Diana and Actaeon – I know that myth so well because of his painting. Bernini’s mesmerising sculpture of Apollo and Daphne I saw in Rome, where her body becomes a tree. The leaves are so delicately carved into the marble, it’s a work of incredible beauty. I’ve been considering this deconstructionist approach to mythology. Storytelling becomes this place to interrogate propositions, which is what I think mythology does.

W*: Have you experienced a flattening of your work?

JM: I’m always concerned with flattening and pigeonholing. That is something that happens to artists like us all the time. When I first was working and showing there was a bit of that happening with my work. It was put into the space of cartography or an architectural analysis of it. It was said to be autobiographical work.

The art world tries to consume. There is this desire to flatten and the desire for Black artists to be a reflection of their experience. I don’t think any artist is like that at all. In reality, none of us are flat. We all contain multitudes and are complicated – that has always been the core of the Black radical tradition.

[riversofmars]

December 1st   December 2nd   December 3rd   December 4th

December 5th   December 6th   December 7th

The Doctor breathed a little easier as they exited the shop, leaving the other Doctors to make their own deductions. “Right okay, this is bad, this is real bad…“

“Does that mean there are other Timelords here?“ Yaz asked as they walked to the centre of the square, away from the shop. They stopped by the huge Christmas tree, the most central point from which they could easily look up and down the streets.

“It means there are other MEs here. There are no more Timelords, they all died, except me.“ The Doctor retorted pacing a little as her mind raced, working through different scenarios, just as she expected her former selves were.

“Damn…“ Ryan mumbled. The Doctor rarely spoke of what happened on Gallifrey after she had sent them back to Earth. They had always presumed it was a sort of catastrophic event after what the Master had done, but that was even worse than they had imagined. All the nicknames they had heard used for her over the years were beginning to ring more true. The lonely God… she really was, wasn’t she.

“But why? What made us come here?“ The Doctor huffed, searching for possible explanations as she looked around.

“You suggested it.“ Graham pointed out. “I mean, it’s a lovely place.“

“Yeah, I could really go for some gingerbread right about now…“ The Doctor mused as the smell took over her senses for a moment. She shook her head, clearing it, she couldn’t get distracted. “Something must be pulling us all here. Not just the same place but the same time.“ She said, gesturing around herself. “I’m usually very careful not to cross my own timeline, lots of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff, it gets really complicated. I don’t have the memories from my other selves of this though, it’s all a blur, that really should have been a clue… I just remember that I used to come here with the others, there is like this draw… why didn’t I see that before?“ She was at a loss. She should have noticed her memories of these trips were faulty, shouldn’t she? And what if she did and something made her ignore it anyway?

“Then we must find out what it is.“ Yaz said firmly.

“Yes, because if we don’t, if even one of my past selves gets stuck here or dragged into whatever this is, gets themselves killed or… it would create a paradox that could rip all of space and time apart.“ The Doctor mused, placing her hands on her hips.

“That would be a very 2020 thing to happen.“ Yaz sighed.

“Checks out…“ Ryan agreed.

“It might as well happen.“ Graham shrugged.

“No, it may not, let’s go.“ The Doctor clapped her hands together.

“Let’s go!“ Eyebrows, Bowtie and Sandshoes clapped their hands together in unison.

“They really are the same person, aren’t they…“ Bill mumbled to the other companions.

“Terrifying isn’t it. Here I was thinking one is a handful.“ Donna had to agree.

“Donna!“ The three Doctors snapped glaring at her.

“This is going to be a lot of fun…“ Rory sighed sarcastically.

“Are you okay?“ Amy noticed that River had gone very quiet.

“Yeah, fine…“ She waved it off quickly, drawing herself from her own thoughts.

“What is it?“ Amy could tell when her daughter wasn’t okay and this was one of those times.

“It’s just… I thought he’d know… I thought it was him that brought me back…“ River forced a smile. “But he doesn’t know, none of them do…“

“You know with all the time travel and stuff… maybe it really just hasn’t happened yet. One problem at a time, yeah? You’re here now, that’s what matters.“ Amy tried not to think too much about the fact that her daughter had been dead for a time, that the Doctor had known of her death and never said anything, not to anyone. She looked to Sandshoes, the youngest Doctor here, the one to see her die and keep that secret henceforth. It pained her so much to think that in the end, River had been with a Doctor that didn’t even know her, didn’t know how much he would grow to love her, and couldn’t be the comfort she had needed at the time. She pushed the thoughts away and focused on the fact that her daughter was alive and well. She grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. “You’re okay. And you can work out the how later. Let’s solve one mystery at a time.“

“It must be something about this time and place.“ River mused, trying to focus her attention to something more productive. “It’s almost like a black hole in time, and they’re all being dragged into it.“

“Sounds a lot more menacing when you put it like that.“ Amy huffed.

“Well, it is… Fourteen Timelords in one place… If they’re all the Doctor, and they might be… that’s a lot of time streams with the potential to create a lot of havoc.“

“I suggest we best split up, look for anything suspicious and meet back here in an hour?“ Sandshoes suggested as they stepped outside the ornament store and looked around. Around them, people were getting on with their Christmas shopping, oblivious to the uneasiness the Timelords were feeling.

“Before we go, can we get some burned almonds cause they smell amazing…“ Bill pointed to the stand that was a little to their right. “Like I get this is turning into another adventure or whatever but we did come here for the Christmas cheer, right?“

“I’d like to go with her!“ Bowtie announced, sharing her excitement for Christmas treats.

“Everyone take their own companions with you, no need to strain the time streams any more than necessary.“ River interrupted sternly before anymore confusion could set in and all the Doctors were quick to nod.

“She’s got a good grip on you, hasn’t she.“ Donna smirked elbowing her Doctor who rolled his eyes.

“Right then, get your nuts so we can be on our way.“ Eyebrows sighed gesturing for Bill to go to the almond stand.

“I don’t usually go for nuts so it’s a nice treat.“ Bill grinned waiting for a response to her joke to which Eyebrows just covered his face with his hand in resignation.

“Right then, come along Ponds!“ Bowtie waved his companions along.

“Come on, River.“ All three Doctors said in absolute unison and looked back at each other in confusion, each one assuming she would come with them.

[dreamonminecraft]

oh yes, tell me more about this beautiful lesbian slowburn. I’m a sucker for a good love story

Okay so to start off, My sexuality fluctuates greatly throughout this story, but as of now I identify as a Bisexual lithsexual lesbian, which means that I am attracted to lots of people but lose attraction when the feelings are reciprocated, and I'll only date girls.

The story starts off August of 2018. I was starting 6th grade (middle school) and didn't really have any friends aside from a few people that I had last talked to in 3rd grade.

It's important to know that I'm a GT kid and so I almost always have the same group of about 20 kids. This started when I changed to an all GT class for 4th grade.

While it's nice to have a comfortable learning environment, it also means that there's no escape from any drama, and you get to pick friends from the very small pool of kids that you'll spend the rest of your education with.

This is a pretty long story as well and I'm not sure I'll be able to accurately retell many of the things because dates get mixed up and stuff. Anyway, I'm gonna try my best to explain but these are really only the things from my point of view and I don't remember a lot of the things. (This is also gonna be written like a fanfic because that's all I know how to write, I apologise)

So start of sixth grade, I don't really have any friends, I'm kind of this awkward nerd, there's 2 people in my class (we switch classes like normal middle school, but I'm with the GT kids for most of the day so that's what I'll refer to them as) that I've known for years, a few I've met before, but mostly new people.

I sit by some old friends from volleyball at lunch for the first few days but begin to feel unwelcome. One day I decide to sit by these two people that I know are in GT but haven't talked to before. I don't say anything, but I sit and they don't mind.

The next day we get new seats in English. I'm behind a boy named Owen, Inara, who is one of the girls I sat with at lunch, is to my right, and in front of her is a girl named Emilyse.

Inara and I hit it off immediately.

It's kind of crazy because we're both crazy anxious introverts, but we gel nicely. I'm a boyband-obsessed 11 year old and she's a mature and mysterious 11 year old.

She's a lefty. I'm a righty. The way we've been placed makes us bump arms everytime we try to write anything.

We have every class together. Somehow, we sit next to each other in every class as well, even in the ones where we didn't pick our seating chart.

It's September. I cry over boybands. She watches curiously.

For the next couple of months we casually talk. She spends every lunch period in the library. We text occasionally.

I have another friend who takes priority. His name is Logan. We got introduced by his friend Lennox when she asked for my phone number to give to him.

Lennox and I don't talk. Logan and I text nonstop for months. We discuss possibly dating in the future. I identify as bisexual and biromantic at this point.

I've been in this position before. Having mainly guy friends growing up puts me in a lot of awkward friendship/relationship situations. They always end the same.

I have an issue with dating in middle school. You're not dating if you don't go on dates, hold hands, kiss, or cuddle. But you can feel like you are.

In December Logan starts being mean. We start a game where we step on each other's shoes at lunch or in the hallway. It's fun.

Eventually, he recruits his friends to do it to me, too. It's a joke a first, but eventually there are 10 middle school boys chasing me and trying to hurt me.

I get kicked in the hallway and fall. Someone steps on my arm and people laugh. Logan watches. I tell Inara and she steps on his shoe for me.

Logan and I stop talking. Inara and I hang out more. By early January, Inara has stopped going to the library at lunch. We hang out with Emilyse in the field instead.

I text Logan one day in mid January and ask why we fell out. He says that I told someone that I was going to punch him in the face.

The person he said I told, only talked to me at the bus stop, and he didn't ride my bus. I had never said it in the first place, but his logic made it even more frustrating.

I tell him I got scared because I had a crush on him and didn't want to make things weird. It was a lie.

In February I came out to someone for the first time. They asked if I was bi and I said yes.

By March I had accepted that coming out didn't really make a difference. Inara and I hung out at school but not really anywhere else.

My birthday's in April. I invite her, Emilyse, and Rebekah. We paint rocks and draw on a table cloth. Emilyse feels distant.

Emilyse is homophobic. We find out in English one day. I don't remember how. Inara and I look at each other. We know we're both queer but haven't come out to each other.

I ask Emilyse if she would hate someone in GT for coming out. She says yes. Inara and I stop talking to her.

By May I've become obsessed with Marvel. Inara's interested in it and I decide to be, too. We talk about the movies. It gets awkward. She's not as interested when I get in on it.

By June we're best friends. We hang out fairly regularly, have all our classes together, and text all the time. Logan is forgotten.

School lets out at the start of June. We keep texting regularly. We make plans to see the new spiderman movie in early July with one of our other friends.

I have a complicated relationship with said friend. They're non-binary, although I didn't know it yet, and I've known them since Kindergarten. Inara met them in an advisory this year. I get jealous easily.

The day of the movie I shop at Kohl's. I buy the two of us matching shirts. We meet at the movie theater and it's awkward. I pay for popcorn and sneak in snacks that we share. Our friend's dad is there, but Inara and I don't have parents present.

We sit next to each other during the movie. At a certain scene, I start to get anxious. My stomach hurts and I can't breathe, I start to get sweaty.

I get up and rush out of the theater. I get to the women's bathroom and sit down on the floor of the very last stall. I'm panicing, dry heaving into the toilet, and trying not to cry. I try to text my mom that I'm having a panic attack but don't have reception.

I go back into the theater room after a few minutes. I'm still anxious, but better. Our friend is highly concerned, Inara just glances at me worriedly.

It's my first panic attack, and it sucked.

We leave awkwardly after it ends, trying to avoid the obvious elephant in the room. My mom is concerned when she picks me up. We don't talk about it. My dad and brother are watching it illegally when I get home.

We don't see each other until August of 2019, but continue to text through the rest of the summer.

When 7th grade starts, I'm still into Marvel. I've seen all the movies at this point, but there haven't been any new ones (even now) since FFH. Inara's interested, but not fully.

In late August/Early September we take BuzzFeed quizzes for fun and text each other the results. I take one about soulmates. I get her initials. I send her the link. She gets mine.

We take more and they all point to us being soulmates. We propose by sending pictures of rings over text. The wedding date is set for September 28th, 2019.

The time comes. It's Saturday and my brother has a double football game. We've planned to pick her up and take her there. It's a Christian league, so the games are at a church.

We go to the garden. There's a small white bench in some rocks, surrounded by flowers. We joke that we've had our ceremony. We wander around for a while longer.

My dad suggests that we go to the taco bell across the parking lot. We do. When we're done, we walk back to my house. Its not far, but we're alone. I carry her halfway back.

When we get to my house we pick things from my garden. We're barefoot and I'm wearing overalls. I joke that we're gonna get a farm one day when we're older.

She picks things while I stand back and watch. The sun hits her dyed-red hair just right. I vividly remember smiling at thinking "holy fuck she's pretty" you would think I'd put together my crush by then.

October rolls around and she cancels plans to go trick-or-treating with me. I'm upset but understand.

We "work" on a school project at her house. We don't actually get anything done before cuddling up on her bed and falling asleep to black panther.

In November, it's Emilyse's birthday party. We've gotten distant but still talk occasionally. Inara and I both go to the party.

We're watching Spiderman Far From Home because that's what Emilyse wanted. I've seen in twice, Ianra has too.

We're given candy and popcorn and then curl up on the couch. Inara and I sit next to each other.

(I forgot to mention this but at some point she stayed the night at my house. She slept on the floor in her swimming suit even though I asked if she wanted to sleep on the bed. Swimming was fun though. We also go to an arcade. We mini-golf and play laser tag. We also danced in the rain together at some point that day.)

Once we're no more than 15 minutes into the movie, I'm cuddled into her chest. It's important to mention that at this point I'm 5'6 and she's no more than 5'0.

We cuddle the entire movie. We share candy and pretend no one else is there. It feels great.

We don't talk about that night for months. Nobody brings it up. I come out to Rebekah around this time, saying no more than that I like girls. I still haven't told Inara.

By December, I've brought her to church a few times. I don't enjoy going to church, but my parents always encouraged it.

(I'd like to say at this point as well that I have been raised Christian and identify with the faith despite the fact that I despise Church and disagree with many of the common teachings. If I ever had to choose for some reason, my sexuality matters more to me than my religion. Regardless, I respect your beliefs if they differ from mine :) )

Inara's birthday is in mid December. Her party consists of us making gay jokes with our enby friend despite not being technically out to each other.

My church youth group plans ice skating. I invite her and she accepts. I'm worried about it. It's essentially a date. Neither of our parents will be there.

We carpool with the youth leaders, who are actually pretty cute for a hetero couple. Inara and I share awkward glances the whole time.

When we get there I learn that Inara took ice skating lessons as a child. She's much more confident than I am, but pretends she doesn't know what she's doing. I skate about once or twice a season, but also rollerblade.

There's a wet, sloped, melty part of the rink. I get nervous and grab her hand. She holds it until we're out of the melted ice.

Every lap around I grab her hand at that point. Eventually, we just keep holding hands for an entire lap.

By the end of the night, we've both fallen a few times but held hands the whole time. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

That night, I rant about the adventure to one of my (ex)friends, who excitedly listens to my talk about holding hands with a girl.

There's a GT Christmas party at Hannah's. Inara and I carpool there. It's an all together boring party with the exception of a few interesting truth-or-dare questions.

(side note, remember Owen? Well he's one of Inara and I's best friends and we were actually close enough that the three of us were basically cuddling on the couch during part of the party. Also the whole class knows about Inara and I's wedding and calls us wives.)

Paislie asks me if I wanted to "marry" Inara before we got "married". I mumble an answer that nobody hears. I don't repeat it. When it's time to leave, Inara and I have our legs intertwined on the couch. We don't mention that, either. We drop her off and I say goodnight.

January is good. There's a night, the 4th I believe, that we really connect. We officially come out to each other for the first time on that night, and it gets really real, really fast.

She says she's pan, I say I'm bi but confused.

In mid January she texts me that she's crying because one of her favorite YouTubers finally hit a million. She cries for hours but never tells me who. I pay it no mind.

A few days later, she mentions a YouTube channel called Unus Annus and tells me that it's super interesting. I text back but don't look it up.

A few more days pass and I'm randomly on the trending page for YouTube, which I never do. I see a video trending called "Mark and Ethan go casket shopping". The thumbnail is interesting enough that I check what the channel is. I notice it's the one Inara told me about.

I watch the video and subscribe within 5 minutes. I text Inara quotes from that video, Ethan Finally Becomes a Man, and the Lie Detector test videos, until she responds and is surprised that I found the channel.

I obsess quickly and depend on her to know the new video at 1pm everyday. She gets annoyed and we drift apart slowly.

In February things get rocky. We fight often. If I win a small argument she doesn't talk to me for hours. She gets pissed at refuses to tell me what the Unus Annus video is called if I ask too many times.

At some point I get fed up and confront her. I don't remember what about, but we stop talking all together.

Friends pick sides. I'm left alone. We don't talk for a month. She tells me that she pushed me away because she thought I'd react badly to her telling me she loves me.

I confess my crush. She tells me she feels the same.

We finally make up at about 8:30 on a Sunday night in March. It's not fixed but we plan to talk. And 9:00, the school district announces that it's shutting down until least after spring break.

We stopped trying to communicate, but eventually, slowly we started talking again. We text a few times a day now, mostly about UA and anxiety, the best combo.

We haven't seen each other since. We're probably going back to school in person in about a month, but I'm not sure. Nobody is.

I've called her my girlfriend on here before, simply because I don't know what we are. I joked the other day about how the youth leaders would react if I said I was texting my girlfriend.

Here's how that went:

So we're just jokingly married for now! It's a confusing pile of garbage but we both came out as lesbians the other day so that's a new development.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but I'll answer any questions anybody has :)

[a3tree]

1st Anniversary and Exclusive Cards

It’s been a few months since this announcement now!

What would the new original cards be and what would implementing them into the EN server look like? 🤔

I think we’re still a long few months away from getting these cards but I can’t say I’m not excited to see what we get! In order to think about how this will happen in EN server, let’s take a look at how the other servers implemented their own server exclusive cards!

For all of these servers, the cards were usually announced around or tied into the 1st Anniversary event, “3 Cheers for Mankai Company!” (as named in EN, the original name in JPN being “Let’s Bloom! Cheer MANKAI ☆”. As per rule on this blog, I will be referring to it by its EN name and shorten it to “3 Cheers” from here on.) The only server to not have “exclusive” cards from this event was the JPN server, being the main server and already having many cards that have not been distributed outside of Japan through events, collaborations, and album releases.

3 Cheers first ran in the JPN server from January 12th 2018 to January 22nd 2018 to celebrate the 1st Anniversary release of the game (January 27th 2017). This was the first (and only) “Cheer” event (“Support” in JPN), which was unique even to Anniversary events because of the exclusive voting, or “cheer” mechanic. During the event, alongside earning points, you could earn cheers to send to your favorite boys and unlock special badges for them. They also counted as votes towards the character, and the top 10 characters’ vote rankings were posted partway through the event on January 16th, and final rankings were announced February 4th following the event.

The top ten characters got special character goods and the top three characters got “Choice Scout SELECTION” gachas! A Choice Scout is a one time only paid scout with rate ups of previous gacha cards of the specified character! Along with the ten cards from the gacha, you would also receive a “Choice Medal” to exchange for any of these specified character cards at the Trading Post (ex. if you pulled from the Itaru Choice Scout Selection, you would be able to exchange your medal for SSR [Office Worker Santa] Itaru Chigasaki or SR [Don’t Jinx It] Itaru Chigasaki, among other Itaru cards).

In this case, the top 3 characters were Itaru in first, Banri in second, and Misumi in third, so all three of them got Choice Scouts! Itaru’s Choice Scout ran from March 1st to March 5th, Banri’s ran from April 2nd to April 6th, and Misumi’s ran from May 1st to May 4th.

Not only that, but the top ranking character from each troupe were added as the cast to A3!’s first ever Mixed Troupe event, “I Come with the Night.” with Itaru in the starring role, Banri as the co-lead, Misumi as supporting cast A, and Tsumugi as supporting cast B. With this being a performance event, Itaru and Banri also got SSRs drawn by Ryo Fujiwara! This event ran from October 17th 2018 to October 26th 2018.

(Side note: this Anniversary event seemed to be a bit stressful for fans since there were only rewards for half of the cast, and many were disappointed to let down the boys that did not win. This could be one of the reasons that following Anniversary events do not have this character ranking element.)

The next server that held 3 Cheers was the TN server, with the event running from August 15th 2019 to August 25th 2019 to celebrate the 1st Anniversary release of June 2018. (It possibly came a bit late due to other event/gacha scheduling conflicts.) The event ran virtually the same as it did in JPN with the ranking results announced on October 25th. Where this event differs from the JPN version is that it was announced that the top three characters got region exclusive cards to the TN server, with first place Itaru getting an SSR, second place Masumi getting an SR, and third place Misumi getting an R card!

(Funnily enough, the results mirror the midway results from the JPN server, with Itaru, Masumi, and Misumi being the top three.)

The TN exclusive cards were released in the same Choice Scout SELECTION gachas that the JPN version had. These were only obtainable through the Choice Medal at the Trading Post. Misumi’s Choice Scout ran from February 13th to February 18th 2020, Masumi’s ran from March 4th to March 8th, and Itaru’s ran from March 13th to March 17th.

The TN server also got the I Come with the Night event from April 7th to April 16th and all the cards that came with it, despite the featured characters being the winners from the JPN server’s ranking contest (If the winners were to match the TN server’s ranking, the cast would have been Itaru, Misumi, Tsumugi, and Sakyo). This of course makes complete sense as I imagine it would be difficult to implement a full exclusive event for each server, especially with how long it took to release the event story and play in the JPN server and with the differences in scheduling that each event has.

(Side note: the Masumi banner seems to be an error with the colors and flower motif being Itaru’s gerberas rather than Masumi’s violets.)

The CN server was released November 14th 2019 and celebrated its anniversary July 22nd 2020 to August 1st. (It seemed to celebrate the anniversary early in order to preserve story chronologic order because they’re going through events much quicker than the JPN server did.) The ranking of the top ten characters was announced August 3rd 2020. Like the TN server, the top three characters in their rankings got CN server exclusive cards made by the Japanese dev team! The top three were once again Itaru in first place getting an SSR, Masumi in second place getting an SR, and Misumi in third place getting an R card!

The CN server also got a special illustration drawn by Ryo Fujiwara and an exclusive special event PV written by story writer Tom was released online!

The exclusive cards were announced February 8th 2021, as part of their Chinese New Year/Spring Festival campaign! They were once again released in the Choice Scout SELECTION gachas, with Itaru’s, Masumi’s, and Misumi’s Choice Scouts all running February 12th to February 18th. Just like the TN server, these cards were obtainable through Choice Medals exchanged at the Trading Post!

So far, the I Come with the Night event has not dropped in the CN server but it seems likely that it will proceed as a normal event with the JPN ranking cast.

So... what does that mean for the EN server?

The EN server was released October 23rd 2019 and celebrated its Anniversary with the 3 Cheers event running from October 15th to October 25th 2020. The event was nearly identical to every others’ server with the notable distinction of there not being a cheer ranking component to the event. It is unclear why this part was not included into the Anniversary event, (maybe Cybird had difficulty working under COVID restrictions or they wanted to avoid the popularity vote?) so many fans cheered for as many characters as they could rather than pouring all their cheers into their favorite. Around this time, Cybird also released a survey in-game asking fans how they felt about certain elements of the game. Some questions in particular asked what were your top three characters from the game.

Towards the end of the event, Cybird revealed the above announcement that Ryo Fujiwara would be designing “new original cards for the English version scheduled for a 2021 release!” on October 23rd. Since then, there have been no announcements on what these cards will be like, who they are of, how they will be released, etc. But, based on what we know of the other three servers, we can make some educated guesses:

(These guesses are just for fun, please do not believe anything I say to be absolutely true)

So, who will the cards be of?

Since there was no voting announced in the Anniversary event for EN version, I don’t think they will use the Cheer points to determine who gets exclusive cards. This is probably for the best because the cards won’t be determined only by the players who spend the most in-game. However, because the survey asked for players’ top favorite characters, I believe they would use these results to determine the characters who get exclusive cards. This is a much more fair way to “vote” for characters because even F2P players and players who do not use social media were able to vote for their favs, and avoided mass voting because it was accessed through the players’ game.

Another option would be for Cybird or Liber themselves to decide who gets the cards. This doesn’t involve the players so I don’t know if they would actually do this but it’s still a possibility.

The last option would be for them to give new cards for all the characters. This would be the most fair and would probably generate the most money for them if all of them were available for paid gems, but it would definitely be a lot of work for a server that isn’t the main JPN one.

Of these all, using the survey results makes the most sense to me because they specifically asked for your top three characters (I wish I still had screenshots O|￣|_). Once again, it would make sense to eliminate the problems with the cheer rankings. Deciding on their own does not seem like something they would do and as much as I’d love every character to get a pretty new card, I don’t see why the EN server should get special treatment over the CN or the TN ones that only has three each for this event. It’s still a possibility though because the EN server is available across more countries, but I don’t think it reaches more players than the CN or the JPN server. So for now, let’s assume the new cards would go to the most voted characters of the survey.

The hitch to this idea though is mentioning Ryo Fujiwara, the lead character designer of A3! I think they did not draw any of the other exclusive cards, and only contributed to the CN server’s commemorative art. Their art is also only used in SR and SSR cards, I believe. They’ve done album covers that have been redeemed as SR cards in-game and does all of the performance event cards, which are all SSRs. If Cybird are having them draw these cards, these cards would definitely be very special and would most likely not include any R cards. This would mean that these exclusive cards will already be very different from the other servers’ cards.

How will these cards be implemented?

One theory I saw come up is that maybe EN server will have an exclusive performance event like how I Come with the Night was created as a result of the 1st Anniversary. While the fact that Fujiwara-sensei is drawing these cards support that idea because both the gacha and event SSRs would be drawn by them, I don’t know if Cybird has the liberty or capability to add something as major as a whole in-game event. The CN server had an interactive PV hosted on bilibili even though the scenario was written by Tom, the main story writer of A3!, which shows that even semi-canon events in other servers are not usually added to the game outside of the backstage stories of said exclusive cards. It would also be put in the middle of the timeline which would make formatting the server weird (already there have been some oddities from the timeline being off from the release dates of the JPN server) and would have to not further the characters’ development in a way that contradicts whats farther ahead in the timeline. What I love about A3! is that a lot of the interactions and conversations are remembered and referred back to in other cards and event stories so to have a whole event and not furthering the characters and have it not affect the three years the JPN server has on the EN server seems difficult to me. Plus, performance events in particular usually end up voiced and have play songs which I think would be a hassle to have to record for in a server the actors themselves don’t even play. I’d love it if they did and it would explain the wait time for these cards (plus it wouldn’t be too hard to skim over character development anyways since the I-Chu and PSYCHO PASS events were exclusive and I think the I-Chu event at least isn’t even canon?) and maybe it doesn’t even have to be a performance event but I do not think it will go this way.

Until we get more information, I assume that the exclusive cards will be released in the same way that the TN and the CN exclusive cards were by trading in a Choice Medal obtained from the Choice Scout SELECTION gachas. I also assume that the previous survey will decide which characters will get these exclusive cards. If anything, I hope the only difference the EN server gets is that since the cards are designed by Fujiwara-sensei, the cards will all be SRs and SSRs. I’m still unsure completely about the number of cards, but hopefully there will be more of them.

When will we hear more about these cards?

The JPN server concluded 3 Cheers on January 22nd 2018, announced rankings on February 4th, and had character Choice Scouts starting with Itaru in March. The highest voted character from each troupe were featured in I Come with the Night which ran in October. So ranking was announced under two weeks, Scout gachas started the month after, and the Mixed Troupe event ran nine months after the Anniversary.

The TN server concluded 3 Cheers on August 25th 2019, announced rankings on October 25th, and had character Choice Scouts starting with Misumi in February. I Come with the Night ran in April. So ranking was announced two months later, Scout gachas started four months after this announcement, and the Mixed Troupe event ran eight months after the Anniversary.

The CN server concluded 3 Cheers on August 1st 2020, announced rankings on August 3rd, and had character Choice Scouts all starting Febuary 2021. So ranking was announced two days later and Scout gacha started six months after this announcement.

The EN server concluded 3 Cheers on October 25th 2020. It has no rankings as of now (February 20th 2021, four month later) and therefore does not have Choice Scouts yet.

JPN had the shortest amount of time between the end of the Anniversary event and the beginning of Choice Scouts with only about a month in between. However, JPN did not need exclusive cards and did not implement the winners until I Come with the Night nine months later. Meanwhile, even though it took TN server two months to announce ranking results, both TN and CN servers started Choice Scouts six months after the Anniversary event. There’s no ranking in EN, so I can only count from when the event ended and the cards were announced at the end of October. If it were just exclusive cards, I would assume it would take six months like it had the TN and CN servers, which would mean sometime in April. But if they are doing something special with Fujiwara-sensei designing the cards, it would take some time, but not nearly as long as it did for them to come up with a whole new event scenario, so unless the EN version is getting an exclusive event, it should not take nine months which was as long as it took JPN server to get I Come with the Night. So before July.

So, based on all that and assuming scheduling is about the same as it is for all the other servers, we might be seeing these cards sometime between April and July.

What will these cards look like?

The JPN winners were cast members for the I Come with the Night play event, with the play being school themed. The TN cards were boba themed to reflect how boba has nearly become the national icon of Taiwan. The CN cards were Chinese themed with Shanghai and pandas included in the designs, fitting for Chinese New Year.

Basically my answer is I have no idea what EN exclusive cards would look like. The EN server isn’t exclusive to one specific region like the others are. Many different countries are encompassed in the EN server, so it’s difficult to say. But they will definitely be gorgeous with Fujiwara-sensei designing them.

SO WHAT IS THE TLDR???

LONG story short, I’m guessing the EN cards will be added sometime between April and July, via the character Choice Scout SELECTION gachas. They will not be determined by cheers but instead will be cards of the highest voted characters from the survey released around the 1st Anniversary. The number of cards, the rarities, the design motifs, and the characters are still unknown as of now.

I don’t know a lot so this was a pretty long winded way to say “I don’t know” and give the most basic of guesses but seeing the history and predicting based on the data was super fun. I feel that having an approximate date guessed is better than nothing but unfortunately that is about all I can surmise.

Hopefully we’ll hear more about these cards soon! I’ll be keeping my eye out for them in April 😉 Thanks for reading!

[smile-files]

heya folks

gonna write a long post about the nicest person i know who i’ll probably never see again :’[

it’s an interesting story, but i wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to take the time to read it. do what you’d like!

it was after 7th grade just ended; i wasn’t in the best place emotionally, things kinda sucked. i was excited for camp, however, something i always looked forward to. i got placed in a bunk and stuff, of which there were 4; i was happy with the counselors, too (their names were ariel and jared). i was kinda bummed that one of my favorite counselors, named eli, wasn’t working there as a counselor anymore - he still worked at the camp, but whatever position he had i didn’t see him around as much. 

at camp i would carry around a drawing notebook and a fanny pack, in which i had pens, pencils, the like. i soon noticed that another counselor, named shai, had a fanny pack; no, we didn’t ‘bond’ over it or whatever, but that’s one thing that made him grab my attention. 

my camp is a ramah camp, which is a jewish camp; one of the activities that we’d have were a kind of elective we’d sign up for, called ‘shiur’ (literally means work), which integrated jewish learning with some activity - sometimes it’d be calligraphy, or pokemon, or super heroes. during first session i chose the pokemon shiur. normally, during the shiur period, counselors would go off and have a meeting. but, for some reason, shai would always hang out near where we’d have our pokemon shiur. i knew, of course, that this was because of julian.

i don’t know a specific reason why, but camp ramah tends to have a good number of autistic kids going there; some of them have a specific ‘caretaker’ of sorts who are with them to make sure they’re okay. my sister had one, my friend abby, and julian - shai tended to be with him and made sure he was okay. (something i find fascinating about julian was how he loved drawing road maps and signage)

it just so happened that julian picked the same shiur as me both sessions -pokemon in first and super heroes in second - so shai tended to be around. in this way i got to get to know him.

he noted my art on several occasions - he said that i’d be good at doing henna considering how frequently i’d draw on the back of my hand; when making the banners for color war, he said he’d abduct me so i could do the banner for his team (no abducting ever occurred, lol)

shai is a very funny person - i don’t know his mbti type, but i’m dead set on him being an nf. he was nice to be around, and i keep describing him as ‘supportive’; no wonder why, considering the circumstances of most of second session.

near the end of each session, we would have an overnight trip we’d go on (for two nights, three days). on the first trip, shai unfortunately wasn’t able to come for whatever reason. it was still a fun trip, but i still missed him.

come second session, however, and things would be different - shai was able to come with us on our trip to baltimore! i ended up sitting in the back of the coach bus, and shai was sitting across from me. something i noted is that he’s one to ask ‘you okay?’ a lot. and i mean a lot. 

on the first day of the trip, we went to the national aquarium, got caught in a downpour, and watched an orioles vs yankees baseball game in the rain. we arrived at the synagogue we were staying in and went to bed; i got my typical 7 hours of sleep.

the next day we went to six flags! i chose the slow group because i’m a wimp. i had been wearing my galaxy hoodie at the time; when we stopped to have lunch, shai seemed concerned about me. woop

we went back into six flags after lunch; at one point we went on some raft ride type thing, and we were sitting on a bench in the sun to dry off (we’d gotten drenched). i was still wearing my hoodie (which, i may note, is rather thick). eventually shai’s group came around and they sat next to us on the bench. 

shai checked the temperature on his phone, which was 90 degrees farenheit, so he said that i should probably take off my hoodie; i was only convinced after the “do it for me” thing that people do that just sells it. note: after his group left i put the hoodie back on lmao, now that’s a story i tell a lot (along with the story of eli having gone illegally ziplining with jesus)

that night, for whatever reason, i slept terribly. i fell asleep at 10:40 and woke up 48 minutes later, at 11:28. i was left sitting in the dark, super bored; i watched counselors walk in and out of the room, i counted to 1000, i went to the bathroom to sing to myself, i looked out the window. either way i had to wait 8 hours for everyone else to get up.

by this time this was the last day on the trip, and we were going to go to an elderly home. we packed up our stuff, something i did quickly. i then kind of wandered aimlessly around the room, waiting for everyone else to finish. this prompted another ‘you okay?’ from the shaister. 

i managed to nap on the bus, but only for half an hour. we eventually got to the place; we were going to talk to them, give them ceramic gifts that people had apparently made, and that one kid who can play any song on the piano by ear just went off. 

you may know that i’m a rather shy person; this, for whatever reason, felt like any party i’d ever been to - isolated and very anxious. there were a number of girls who said they were scared, but they weren’t shy - they were just scared of old people or something. shai convinced them that old people are not scary, then came to console me; he noted that people used the pun of “shy” and “shai” sounding similar on him a lot, but now he could actually use that himself. he didn’t pressure me to do anything i didn’t want to, and even suggested going outside if i really felt uncomfortable. i probably should’ve gone outside, but i didn’t. eventually we all went outside anyway to have rita’s ices, but i didn’t want any. 

i’m pretty sure that’s all the trip stuff, but there’s more afterward. there are some stupid inconsequential things that i just find kind of amusing, to say the least. for one thing, there were these tacky plastic champagne glasses that the counselors had for whatever reason; there was this show going on, and everyone was bored out of their minds. shai just gave me one of these stupid glasses with no context, for the lulz or whatever. my response was to draw a smiley face on it with sharpie and give it back. he found this rather amusing.

one day i brought this shark plushie to camp, whom i called ‘smore’ because he looked like a marshmallow. shai insisted it was a piranha just to annoy the heck out of us, an argument that lasted two days.

another thing, one of the counselors was going to be leaving for israel before camp ended, so we had this whole thing where basically you could give a shoutout to anybody and thank them; i decided to thank the counselors in general, as most teenagers wouldn’t tolerate leading around a bunch of loud middle schoolers; shai knew i was a rather shy person, so he said that it was a very good thing of mine to do. 

my age group was actually an amalgamation of several age groups - rising 6th graders, rising 7th graders, and rising 8th graders. being in the latter group, i was going to take part in some stupid graduation. and, you see, we all had to write speeches for it.

i wrote a speech, whatever, which mostly consisted of thanking counselors (in general i get along better with figures of authority, eg. counselors or teachers or whatever rather than fellow kids). i was very worried about the whole ordeal, but i did it; afterwards shai said he was proud of me for giving my speech despite how anxious i was about it.

and note how i never outright told the guy how anxious i was about any of these things - he’s just the type of person who knows; i always value people like that, given how i never tell anyone anything :’]

when it came to the last day of camp, i wanted to make sure shai knew how thankful i was for everything he did for me. i didn’t know a single other person who was half as validating and supportive of me as he was. but, being me, i couldn’t just tell him. no, i had to make a hand out of pipe cleaners, write a card, fold it up and make it look like an ice cream cone, put the folded card into the hand, and then awkwardly give it to him.

he initially said he’d read it later; but soon enough he read it and then i got a shai hug. yea!

welp everything after camp sucked! before school started i was so worried how i’d cope with my dumb issues without shai being there; i came to miss him a ton. like really, a ton.

before that summer, i had camp dreams like, heck, maybe once or twice a year?

but since that summer of 2019, i’ve had ~15+ camp dreams. i really missed him. i longed for the support he’d give me when i was anxious, for the knowledge that somebody understood me. i eventually started having headaches a lot, so i came to ‘think’, “oh! he’s trying to telepathically talk to me!”

i never did believe that to be the case, but imagining that i could talk to shai was comforting. every day i’d talk into my hand, telling him how my day went, asking him about his, and sometimes singing him a song or something. this came to be a normal thing i did routinely. i would get worried when i didn’t get headaches for a while, as i perceived those as him ‘responding’, so i would think i did something wrong.

i would frequently worry about if i’d ever see him again - i had no way of knowing if he’d be a counselor at camp this year. then covid-19 came and i knew he couldn’t. at some points it really bothered me how much my mental health revolved around this person who i knew for around 2 months and who i’ll probably never see again.

as of now, i still do miss him. i still had camp dreams. i literally had one last night, where i saw shai and was trying to call out to him, but he didn’t hear me. i still do ‘talk’ to him, but it’s not like i think i’m actually speaking to him. but heck, if it’s comforting to me, there’s no reason not to. 

but really, shai seems more like a figment of my imagination now. it’s been a year since i’ve last seen him. was he ever real? 

i would draw him sometimes, imagine what it’d be like to talk to him again. how i wish i could talk to him again. 

there are so many silly little things i remember about shai - his poofy hair, his aviator sunglasses, how his fanny pack had writing on it in red sharpie and had multiple sunscreens in it, how he almost got hit by a cookie... 

shai is the nicest person i’ve ever known, and it’s a shame that i’ll probably never see him again. he’s the kind of person i want to be - i want to be able to understand people and cheer them up when they’re upset. i want to have poofy hair and call people ‘bud’ unironically...

oh to be you, shai...

(oh wait, i know he exists because apparently you can find his channel on youtube and his pfp is his face... the only thing on it is one comment saying “thanks for subscribing” lmao :’])

if any of you know who i’m talking about, or think you do, please tell me!! :’0

thanks broskis *sob*

[akocomyk]

Twenty-eight books read in 2019.  Sixteen longlisted books.  One person who wastes his time writing sh*t as if they really matter.

Here it is.  The best books I read in the past year.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The unfortunate books that I had to let go since I only had ten spots to fill.

Turtles All the Way Down by John Green (2017)

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie (1934)

History Is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera (2017)

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie (1926)

Bird by Bird by Anne Lammott (1994)

The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith (2014)

*Ratings range from 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

10th Place

56 by Bob Ong (2018)

Rating: 4.300

Bob Ong makes a comeback on my list with his latest novel.  His other book, Si, ranked 10th last 2015.  This is the second time a Filipino book enters the list and is also the second nonfiction book ever—after Into the Wild last 2016.

In his latest release, Ong returns to the writing style that made him famous— reminiscent of his earlier books like ABNKKBSNPLAko.  56 is like a 300-page commentary or editorial about the issues of the present Filipino generation.

Other readers have found the book a little too preachy.  I find it enlightening as it serves as a wake-up call to the Filipinos who are turning their blindsides to the harsh realities of our nation.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

9th Place

Mga Kirot ng Kapalaran (Kikomachine Komix blg. 11) by Manix Abrera (2015)

Rating: 4.445

This is a long-overdue recognition to my favorite comic strip artist (Fun Fact: I met him quite a few times already).  For many years, I've ignored the chance to even put his works in the list of contenders.  I'm not throwing it away again.  Now, I have my first book to enter the top 10 classified under comics and graphic novels.

In this collection of strips by Manix Abrera, his work remains as humorous and as satirically laughable as the first time I saw his comic. Themes have changed to reflect the new trends and issues of our present society.

For as long as Manix draws and publishes his work, I will continue to read them as I know he gives an intellectual yet amusing input to our society's problems.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

8th Place

Mga Batang Poz by Segundo Matias, Jr. (2018)

Rating: 4.450

“Beautiful and relevant, but not flawless,” this is what I said on my review for this YA novel.

Mga Batang Poz is the third Filipino book on this list.  Having three books on the list is a first.  Furthermore, this is also the first time in four years that a Filipino book enters the list.

As previously mentioned, I have certain problems with regard to the overarching narrative of the novel.  I wish that Matias could’ve written something more elaborate or something that doesn’t feel forced.

Nevertheless, the book accomplishes its goal of being a story that advocates HIV awareness, especially towards the youth.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

7th Place

The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate (2012)

Rating: 4.485

In this book, you'll see both the cruelty and the compassion of humanity through the eyes of a gorilla named Ivan who is the narrator of the story.

Ivan is based on a real-life gorilla who was being used as a live animal attraction in Zoo Atlanta.

It is quite obvious that the book is meant for a younger audience, but despite this, I know anyone of any age will be able to appreciate it.  Ivan is a gorilla after all, and I think the simplicity of how it was written suits his character, making the tone of the story more natural.

Overall, it was very touching.  Although it mirrors pretty much what happened to the real-life Ivan, it efficiently delivers its message for animal welfare.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

6th Place

And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie (1939)

Rating: 4.525

This is a mystery novel filled with suspense and everything that'll make you love and hate it at the same time.  The horror it gives chills you to the bone for every page you turn.

Agatha Christie is insane—and I mean that in a good way.  The plot was so well-thought out that even when nearing at the end, I had no clue who the culprit was.  When it was revealed to me, I was like, “Yeah.  That makes absolute f*cking sense.”

For a book that has ten major characters, it does well in handling them.  You know when a piece of literature is brilliantly made when even if its length isn’t considerably long, it doesn’t sacrifice the characters’ backgrounds and the narrative of the story.

Despite the novel’s inhumane and despicable acts, it also addresses issues about criminal injustices that are still prevalent today.  In our country alone, criminals—corrupt officials, master drug dealers, rapists, murderers—are still roaming around the streets, evading the consequences of their actions.   At times when the law is not enforced properly, people resort to their own type of justice.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

5th Place

Darius the Great Is Not Okay by Adib Khorram (2018)

Rating: 4.590

In this debut novel by Adib Khorram, the titular character Darius suffers from clinical depression.  Also, he's a Star Trek and Lord of the Rings fan.

This book demonstrates the fact that real depression is not simply cured by positive reinforcement and bible verses—as what most overly religious people think.

The novel highlights Darius' relationship with the other characters—most especially with Sohrab.  It shows how he copes up with them while he struggles with his mental disorder.

There are also subtle hints of homosexuality, which added to the overall tension of the story since the main characters are Muslims.  It wasn't blatant but it was obviously present—in the right and necessary amount.

To me, this is a spiritual brother of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz—one of my favorite books.  It gave me the same feeling of awe, beautiful pain, and joyful nostalgia. There were parts that broke my heart—I was ugly crying while riding a bus—and by the end, I was a complete mess, although I'm utterly happy.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

4th Place

Moonrise by Sarah Crossan (2017)

Rating: 4.595

What I love most about this book is how it was written.  Instead of being in paragraphs, it was written in verses—like poetry.  I thought it was creative and oddly fitting for the story.

Even though there are more blank spaces on the pages than letters, those words are enough to draw me into the story.

The novel is about Ed whose brother was up on death row.  I found myself rooting for him, and I was hoping similarly to how he was hoping in the story.  When the end came, I couldn't help myself from closing my eyes.

The narrative was fairly simple, it matches the way it was written.  The characters—although few and also written with the utmost simplicity—feel so human and are not flat, cardboard cutouts.

In the light of all the flawed justice systems and abuses of law enforcers not just in America but everywhere else in the world, it's good to find a book that's bold enough to address such issues and an author who's brave enough to write them.

Lots of murderers are on the loose, yet there are innocent people being slaughtered for crimes they didn't commit.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

3rd Place

On the Come Up by Angie Thomas (2018)

Rating: 4.605

Just when you thought Angie Thomas couldn't write anything as good as The Hate U Give (THUG), she gives us this.  If it's not better, then it sure is as brilliant as her debut novel.

This is Thomas' second consecutive year in my list, with THUG bagging the top plum last year.

The novel is proof of Thomas’s writing prowess.  It successfully immersed me into the life of her protagonist, a life filled with hope, angst, and ambition.  And the dialogue… Especially the rap battles.  They were amazing.  Seeing as Thomas herself was a rapper, you can feel the ingenuity in her words.

Moreso, this is one book that we really need in our present times.  It reflects all of my sentiments regarding social media and how it can make or break a person.  And how much the oppressed and marginalized communities lack representation, and how they are still subject to much prejudice.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

2nd Place

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini (2007)

Rating: 4.680

This beautiful novel demonstrates the horror of domestic violence towards women.  It also provides a glimpse of the people and culture of Afghanistan during the times of war.

I'm in love with how Khaled Hosseini's characters flesh out from the pages.  You'd love them.  You'd care for them.  Their agony becomes yours.  Their pain drips out from the corners of the books as your tears trail down your cheeks.

And on their sweet, small victories, you'd give a sigh of relief as the anxiety is slowly drained from your body.

In the two years that I've read a book by Hosseini, it didn't fail to shatter my heart. The Kite Runner ranked first in my 2017 list, and now this. If ever get to read another one of his books, I've no doubt it will also be a contender for that year's list.

━━━━ ☆ ━━━━

1st Place

Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman (2018)

Rating: 4.765

This book is also up on my shelf for the best sequels ever—be it for any medium.

I read this earlier this year and it remained unbeatable until 2019 ended.

This is the second book in Neal Shusterman's Arc of a Scythe trilogy, the sequel to Scythe—which placed 3rd in my 2017 list.

Growth and expansion. These are the things I love about the sequel.  Ronan and Citra, the two main protagonists of the trilogy, are older, wiser, and better people, despite the fact that they're teenagers.  You can feel their struggles with their respective endeavors.

Also, the universe is bigger.  The Arc of Scythe novels feature a world where death does not exist and everyone is biologically immortal.  In order to balance the earth’s population, there are these so-called Scythes whose life-long job is to assassinate anyone they choose.

In this sequel, you get to know more about the mechanisms of their world.  There’s a new main character, Grayson, who takes you deeper and gives you a view of what it's like to live as a normal human.

The book deals with the adverse effects of the ways power-hungry people want to achieve their ambitions.

But that's not why I went gaga after reading the book.

IT.  WAS.  EPIC.  The plot twists within the plot twists.  The narrative.  And the ending.  My god, that ending.  I COULD HEAR MY SILENT SCREAMS.  After the last page, the only thing I thought of was, "GIVE ME THE THIRD BOOK RIGHT NOW!"

Thunderhead isn’t flawless, but it’s a very fine piece of literature that I recommend to anyone who loves to read.

• • • • •

I hope I won't regret putting Thunderhead in first place after a few years.  I regret giving the top spot to I'll Give You the Sun last 2016.  After pondering about the books I've read in the past years, I've found that Anthony Doerr's All the Light We Cannot See is one remarkable and memorable book, and the one I should've given the highest honors.

Books with relevant themes dominated my shelf but the book that won my heart was the one with intricate plots and a phenomenal ending.  It feels weird but I hope for the best.

Happy New Year, everyone!

[baby-daddy-bella]

Have a Little Fun (Part One)

Ben Hardy! Roger Taylor x reader

Wordcount: 1,522

Cast list

My masterlist

Part 2, Part 3

A/N: hey! This is my first time writing for Roger/Ben, so sorry for any inconsistencies or weird flaws in the characters. This is part 1/3 & the others will be out in the next couple of days hopefully. I named the character Nancy for ease when writing, but it’s still an x reader. Enjoy! <3

31st January 1975

London, England

The door clicked quietly, as she turned the brass key inside it’s lock. Seconds later, Nancy had opened the door and taken a step inside, stumbling slightly over a small collection of mail that was spread across the door mat. Once she had shut the door and placed her handbag on the floor, the young woman picked up the pile from the ground and sifted through it hopefully.

Within seconds, she had found one specific envelope and discarded the rest of the mail, placing the pile on the kitchen counter when she reached it.

The envelope read:

.

MS. NANCY BELL

34B Crayton Road

Ealing

London

.

It was written in a messy handwriting that she knew well. She tore it open and grabbed the thin piece of paper inside. A Polaroid picture and another, smaller sheet of thick paper fell out of the letter and into her hand. She read it’s careful words with a smile on her face.

23rd January 1975

Hello my love, I hope you’re well. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. I miss you endlessly and the boys told me to say that they miss you too.

The tour has been amazing so far and we start the American leg in a couple of weeks. I suppose you already know that, but  thought I should mention it anyway, since that’s the reason I’m writing. Long story short, I want you to travel around with us...if you’d like that? You’re incredibly welcome to stay for the rest of the tour if you’re up for it? We’ll be out here until April and then finish the whole thing in Asia in May. We’d have an amazing time. The two of us always said we’d love to travel together...so bring some nice dresses and I’ll take you out while we’re out there. Bring a load of party clothes too, because you’ll definitely need them. You can come and watch us play too...if you want to. I’d really love that. And I’m sure the other boys would too. God knows I want nothing more than to see you. It’s been just under three months but it feels like a year since we last saw each other. And it would mean the world to me if you were to travel with us for a few months. I’m counting down the days already.

You’re forever in my mind and my heart,

Lots of love, Roger xxx

.

.

.

She folded the letter in half, as it had been within the envelope, and focussed her attention on the other items that had been inside. In her hand she held a plane ticket to Cleveland for the 7th of February. She placed it on the kitchen counter along with the letter and envelope and then turned her attention to the Polaroid photo that had accompanied the letter. It was a picture of the four band members—sat in an Italian cafe with a collection of food, tea and magazines spread across the table. There was a small caption written below the image,

See you soon <3

.

.

Nancy slipped the picture into the pocket on her jeans with the intention of putting it into her purse later on.

She made her way upstairs after a hard day at work with a wide, excited grin on her face. Nancy ran herself a bubble bath and decided she would call Roger the next day, since she had worked the evening shift at the local diner and so it would be too late for him to be awake or available to talk to her. Especially since he was in Barcelona, which she knew was an hour ahead of London. John Lennon’s Imagine played softly from the record player in her bedroom, which was directly next to the bathroom, meaning she only had to leave the door open slightly for the song to be enjoyed properly. She sung along quietly to the tune with her eyes closed and her body submerged beneath the warm water and the thick layer of bubbles on top of it.

.

.

6th February 1975

London, England

Nancy dialled the phone number he had given her and held the phone to her ear, patiently awaiting a response from the other end. Moments later, he answered.

“Hello.” She said.

“Hello gorgeous.” He replied, causing a smile to spread across her face. She twisted the phone line around her finger through habit.

“Wherefore art thou Romeo?” She asked, smirking. He chuckled slightly.

“Cincinnati.” He simply replied, “Its great here—I can’t wait to see you, though.”

“I can’t wait to see you either.” She rested the phone between her ear and shoulder and sat down on the chest of draws beside her.

“How’s your day been?”

“It’s been good. The girls at work brought in a couple of things and we had a little bit of a sending off party during our lunch break. They’re all sad to see me go, but Patricia said I’m welcome back when I return, which is great to hear because I love working at the Doctor’s surgery. Plus they’re all so nice there and—“

Roger cut her off, “You look sexy in your uniform?” He smirked.

She rolled her eyes and chuckled, “I didn’t have to give that back...” she admitted, laughing a little more. He did the same. “Anyway, I better get some more packing done.” Nancy concluded, sighing.

“You’re not done yet? How much more do you have to do?” He asked.

“Well, I thought I was almost done, but since I found out how much you liked my nurse’s uniform, I might have to rethink my outfit choices.” She joked, continuing to twirl the wire around her finger. He chuckled down the line and she smiled at the sound.

Suddenly, the door to Roger and Brian’s shared hotel room flung open and Brian May entered the room looking slightly startled.

“Rog, mate, one of the girls you were with last night is here—said she wants to see you again.” He said, clearly not noticing that his band mate was on the phone. Roger’s heart started to beat fast and Nancy’s skin was littered with goosebumps. Despite the fact that the couple had agreed on an open relationship due to the distance and Roger’s new lifestyle, they had never mentioned it to each other or had anyone else mention it in the two’s shared presence . The couple suddenly became lost for words, Roger’s facial expression indicating the situation to Brian. He covered his open mouth with his hand. Roger covered the bottom end of the phone with his palm.

“Tell her I’m sick and that she shouldn’t come back here.” He said, before closing his eyes and rubbing his face, by the time he opened them again Brian had gone. The other side of the line was silent.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” Roger asked, subconsciously confirming to himself that she still planned on coming. Of course, she had agreed to the terms of an open relationship and so it wouldn’t have made any sense for her not to expect Roger to be having one-night-stands with other girls, but hearing it said out loud at such an unexpected time startled Nancy.

“Yeah. Yeah, see you tomorrow, Roger.”

“Goodbye Nancy.”

“Goodbye.” She simply said, before putting her phone back into its holder. Roger held the phone to his ear for a few seconds longer just listening to the dead line. He too placed the phone back into its holder and sighed loudly.

When Brian returned, he found Roger face down on his bed, with his head buried in one of the hotel’s soft pillows. Brian placed a bottle of coca-cola on his own bed-side-table and sat down on his bed.

“I’m sorry Rog, I’m guessing that was Nancy?”

“It’s fine. She was a little startled to hear it, but I think she’s alright.” Roger said, slowly sitting up as he spoke. “It’s only what we agreed. Its not like I went behind her back.”

Brian nodded, “So she’s still coming?”

Roger nodded also, “Yeah. I’m a little bit nervous, though.”

“Sorry if that’s my fault.”

“Your fault? No, it’s nothing to do with that. I guess it’s because I haven’t seen her in ages.”

“How long has it been?”

“Three months nearly.”

“And you’re sure she’s fine with the whole open relationship thing?”

“Yeah, we’ve been together for however long and she’s always been fine with it.”

“Fair enough then. She’s a nice girl though, mate, it’s those ones you have to try and keep around.”

“Yeah I know.” Roger said, his tone a little snappy. Yes, Brian was his friend, but that didn’t give him jurisdiction over his life choices. Honestly, it made him a little uncomfortable to talk about the subject anyway, a message that Brian received clearly, as he quickly changed the subject to the plans before the show that evening.

A/N: This sucks a little bit, sorry! Parts 2 & 3 out very soon x 

[hennessystevens-udaku]

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Stevens

Since Love day is coming up I figured I’d kick it off with a little anniversary fluff in which our favorite prince gets spoiled by moi.

September 3rd

“You sure you don’t want anything?” Erik asked in disbelief. Much like Bastion, Hennessy lived in a constant state of ‘I want’ so to hear her say that she didn’t want anything for their anniversary had the prince more than a little skeptical and slightly afraid.

“Baby are you sick?” he asked as he pressed his hand to her forehead. She laughed that infectious laugh before slapping his hand away.

“I’m fine baby. I’m serious, I don’t want anything. I’ve got more than enough, I just want to spend the day with my prince.”

“Okay,” he finally concedes. “You sure this isn’t a trick?” She laughed once again before slapping his chest.

“Boy go on somewhere. I hear baby Daka crying,” she says as she walked out of his bedroom, downstairs to Aly’Sha’s tattoo shop.

“Did he believe you?”

“Nope, but that’s to be expected. How’s his arsenal coming along?”

“It’s almost ready. The last of the guns will be delivered later on.”

“Perfect. I’m going to go fill everyone else in on what I’m doing. I’ll be back later.”

“Alrighty,” Aly’Sha said as she went back to the stencil she was drawing.

September 4th

Hennessy woke earlier than usual. She’d already informed the rest of the wives and Little Bee about her plan and all of them were eager to help her set everything in motion. She made the short trek to Josephine’s bedroom, not even having to knock before it opened.

“Henny!” Josie exclaimed from the other side of the room.

“Hi Josie. Did you and Kimora get what I asked for?”

“You must’ve forgotten who you was talking to. I snuck it in his arsenal last night. It shoots real good.”

“Of course you had to test it out.”

“Of course. Can’t have that nigga out here with defective weapons. We’re the only ones allowed to kill his dumb ass.” The two women laughed before Henny exited. It was time to wake up Ryley.

“Killa Daddy,” Ryley’s voice sang into the hallway.

“In my office Princess,” Erik answered, still searching for an anniversary gift for Hennessy. Though she insisted she didn’t want anything, he refused to show up empty handed. Ryley sauntered into the office in low cut Adidas shorts with a matching crop top, twirling a key around her finger.

“Why do I feel like you’re up to something?” Erik asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe I am. Henny told me to give you this,” she responds as she presents the key to him.

“Yep, she’s tryna kill me,” he says as he takes the key.

“No she’s not. That’s Josie. Just go downstairs,” Ryley says pulling him up from his seated position. They both made the journey downstairs, Ryley bouncing like a kid in the candy store. When Aly’Sha and Henny revealed that they were redesigning the arsenal, she was ecstatic. When they got to the door, Erik noticed a small note on the door.

I may or may not have done a thing. You’re welcome.

-Hennessy 💋

With a shaky hand, Erik opened the door and his heart dropped.

“Gahdamn!” Ryley answered for him. All of his guns were in neatly placed in glass-enclosed cases with a few new toys thrown into the mix. The one that caught his attention was the gold chrome Versace AK-47. His stubby fingers stroked the barrel of the gun slowly, completely in awe of the weapon.

“You just nutted, didn’t you?” Ryley teased as she watched him.

“A little bit,” Erik admitted with a chuckle. “Where she at anyway?”

“She had some things to take care of at the lab, she said she’d be back later. Happy Anniversary.” With a kiss to his cheek, Ryley ventured back upstairs to Angel’s room, where she and Little Bee were working on his next gift.

September 5th - 11:15 am

“Erik, wake up baby,” Angel sang softly. He stirred with a grunt, pulling her body close to his. He rubbed his hands down her back and gently began palming her backside.

“Oh no sir. As much as I would love to be tangled in the sheets with you, we have somewhere to be. Now get dressed.” He pouted slightly, but lifted himself from the bed, heading to his bathroom for a shower. He emerged from his bedroom 30 minutes later and met Angel downstairs.

“The twins not coming?”

“No, Kristina agreed to look after them. I won’t be gone too long.” He nodded and followed her out to his G Wagon, where she climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Am I not coming back home?”

“Nope, but you’ll enjoy this trip, I promise.” Erik set back in the passenger seat, puzzled as to what his wives were up to. Angel drove until they reached the airfield on the other side of town.

“Why couldn’t I just have taken the Talon?”

“Will you stop asking questions and come on,” Angel fussed as she climbed from the truck. The two were greeted by an older gentleman with a thick southern twang.

“Mr. Udaku?”

“That’s me.”

“I’m James, I’ll be your personal pilot.”

“My what now?” Erik asked, finally taking notice of the large private jet behind the man. Angel smiled wide, enjoying the confusion of Erik’s face.

“Go inside, kumkani. That’ll explain everything. Have a safe trip and Happy Anniversary.” She kissed him deeply and watched as he boarded the jet. She had to give it to Henny. She really outdid herself with this one.

“Holy shit!” Erik exclaimed as he stepped inside the cabin. The inside of the cabin was white with brown accents, with a white Versace table in the middle. There was a mini bar in the right corner and a private suite in the back. Sitting neatly on the table was a black note card with gold lettering addressed to him. He opened it carefully, tears welling up in his eyes as he read.

Happy Anniversary, My Prince. You’ve showered me with unconditional love and affection for the last 10 years, and now it’s my time to return the favor. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your vacation. I have so much more in store for you when you land.

-Hennessy 💋

He covered his mouth with his fist in an attempt to mask his wide grin.

“You’ve got yourself one hell of a woman, Mr. Udaku.”

“I know, and I love her to death.” The men shared a smile before James walked back to the cockpit.

“Make yourself comfortable, Mr. Stevens. We’ve got a long flight ahead of us.” Erik nodded, settling in the master suite. Out of all the things they both had done for one another, this was turning out to be one of the most extravagant.

13 Hours Later

Erik had been awake for the last two hours. He and James had hit a bit of turbulence somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, but everything was all clear now. He watched from the window as the city lights danced beneath them. He’d always loved Venice, partially why he chose to marry Hennessy there. The plane lands at Venice Marco Polo Airport and Erik is stunned when his 5th, 7th, and last wives are on the tarmac to greet him.

“Charlie, Homie, Bast, what y’all doing in Venice?”

“Well I’m working, and since these two hardly ever leave the states, I figured I’d bring them along,” Bastion explained after greeting him with a chaste kiss.

“And y’all just so happen to be here at the exact moment that I land?”

“That little detail may have been the First Lady’s idea,” Homie answered, a sly smile plastered on her face.

“These are for you,” Charlie says handing over a set of keys and a note.

“So is this,” Homie says handing over a black velvet box with his initials.

“And this,” Bastion chimes in, handing over a smaller black velvet box. The three women then lead him to where the rental vehicles are kept and stop in front of a gold chrome out Rolls Royce. Erik was speechless.

“Pretty ain’t she?” Charlie asks.

“Beautiful,” Erik answers, climbing into the driver’s seat.

“Well we’ll leave you to enjoy your vacation. Happy Anniversary Daddy Boo,” Bastion says with a final kiss to his cheek.

“The GPS is already programmed to where you need to go. Happy Anniversary, Daka,” Homie says, climbing into the car next to Bast.

“That little midget really loves you. Happy Anniversary,” Charlie says. Once the trio sped away, Erik opens the note.

Two surprises down, one to go. So what do you get the man that has everything? Something that’ll make his heart stop. I remember when we first met, you told me your dream car was a chromed out Rolls Royce. Hope I was able to make your dream come true. See you soon. -Hennessy 💋

“You really tryna make me cry, huh Shy?” he asked aloud as he started the car. He places the boxes on the passenger seat and let the GPS to lead him to a lavish Italian villa, decked out much like The Kompound back in the states. He grabbed the boxes from the passenger seat and used the second key on the keyring to unlock the door. He marveled at the sights before him before making his way upstairs. The master bedroom was black and gold, a huge California King bed completing the space. He swan dived in the middle of the bed, landing on his back. He stared up at the ceiling, silently asking Bast what he ever did to deserve such loving wives that would go through so much to make him feel special. Mid reflection, his phone rang in his pocket, Hennessy’s round face popping up on the screen.

“You think you slick,” he called into the receiver upon answering.

“Whatever do you mean, dear Prince?” she asks, feigning ignorance.

“All this for me, babygirl?”

“All this for you, Daddy.”

“And when will I get to see you?”

“Tomorrow. Now get some sleep, you’ve got a long day ahead of you.”

“Yes ma’am. I love you,” he says with a yawn, the jetlag finally catching up to him.

“I love you too.”

September 6th

Erik woke with a grunt, the smell of maple syrup and bacon invading his nostrils. He quickly showered before venturing downstairs.

“Buon giorno, Signor Udaku,” the small woman called from the stove. “I’m Sofia, your personal chef. The Princess has left this note for you, along with the two velvet boxes that you did not open last night. After breakfast, you are to follow the directions laid out in the note. Felice Anniversario.” She smiled sweetly before handing him his plate and the note. He touched the velvet boxes, choosing to open the smaller one first. He untied the ribbon and lifted the lid to find a diamond Patek Philippe Nautilus watch.

“That little fucker does listen to a nigga,” he said with a chuckle as he fitted the watch to his wrist. He took a bite of bacon before moving on the the bigger box. He smiled wide, as he removed the Cuban link chain from the box and fitted it around his neck. He finished his breakfast before heading out to the car, the last note tucked safely in his pocket. Once in the car he pulled out the final note and read it, anxious to know what his favorite midget had in store for him today.

3,650 days, 87,600 hours, 5,256,000 minutes together and you still take my breath away. The car’s GPS is already programmed to find me and I can’t wait to see your face once you see you last gift. I love you past the moon.

Hennessy 💋

He pressed a few keys on the car’s GPS and began his journey. He drove until he reached Rimessaggio Fusina, one of the most prestigious yacht clubs in Italy.

“Prince Udaku!” the stumpy Italian man greeted him with a smile.

“That’s what they call me,” Erik responded with a chuckle, looking around at the vast array of boats before him.

“Don’t worry yourself with those. Yours is right this way,” the round man says with a smile.

“Mine?” Erik asked, unable to mask his confusion.

“Si, Signor.”

The two men walked until they stopped in front of a golden super yacht. At the sound of his voice, the Princess walked out onto the deck.

“Ain’t no way,” he said.

“Oh yeah, Daddy. This is all yours. Happy Anniversary.” A few tears fell down his cheeks as he watched her.

“Aww, the beast is crying. Mission accomplished,” she said with a chuckle. He climbed the flight of stairs two at a time until her reached her. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him, kissing her deeply.

“I love you, Princess,”

“I love you too, Daka. Happy Anniversary, baby.”

________________________

TAGS: @vibranium-soul @imagine-mbaku @mareethequeen @greennightspider @eriknutinthispoosy @hearteyes-for-killmonger @blackpantherismyish @muse-of-mbaku @thehomierobbstark @wifeyofnjadaka @youreadthatright @tgigoldie @killmongersgurl @dameshaemonique @princessstevens @princesskillmonger @amethyst1993 @iamrheaspeaks @laketaj24 @bidibidibombaclaat @allhailnjadaka @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @forbeautyandlife @yaachtynoboat711 @panthergoddessbast @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @dacreskars @thadelightfulone @drsunshine97 @wakanda-inspired @wawakanda-btch @hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @ayellepea @awkwardlyabstract @madamslayyy @blowmymbackout @vikkidc @champagnesugamama @sociallyawkward18 @chasingsunlight @sydneebleu @itsangeludaku @trevantesbrat

[jessicasland]

The One That Fits Right In Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Rocky Beginnings Reagan stared at the large white school building in front of her. It was her first day at the public high school and since she moved with her family, she already felt nervous. Reagan’s face went pale, she felt like she was going to be sick, there were butterflies in her stomach. It was big, bigger than the palace she used to live in back in Southern France. Was she really going to go in there? Well, she had no other choice. She took a big deep breath and walked up the stairs to the main hall. Reagan look at all the students bustling, talking, and laughing in the hallways. It was completely crowded! She couldn’t even walk without being squished in between one or two of the students. She checked her schedule. The first thing she needed to do was find her locker. It was locker 239. Reagan adjusted her glasses once she managed to get out of the tsunami of students to find her locker. There were endless rows of tall dark green lockers. But which one was her’s? As she passed by the students, she always remembered to say her “excuse me’s” or “pardon me’s” when she was trying to get through, and remembered to say her “sorry’s” when she accidentally bumped into people. Reagan was about to check the next row of lockers to find hers until- BUMP! The next thing Reagan knew, she was on the ground. Her backpack, books, and lunchbox were scattered on the ground. In front of her was another girl. She had short brown hair and sap colored eyes. Her skin was the color of a what someone would look like if they had gotten a sun tan. She also wore very expensive clothing, tall high heal like boots, and had layers and layers of foundation and make up on her face. Reagan gasped and said, “Oh geez. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.” She pulled the other girl into her feet and picked up all her books and makeup. “Here. These belong to you don’t they?” “Don’t you dare touch those!” said the girl, snatching the belongings out of Reagan’s hands. “Don’t you know how much money all this makeup costs?!” “...No.” Regan replied. “I-I don’t think we’ve officially met before during the orientation. I’m Reagan!” Reagan smiled and held out her hand for the other girl to shake. The girl looked at Reagan and looked at her hand and sneered in disgust. Using a pencil, the girl moved Reagan’s hand away, “Oh yes. The new girl from, what was i? Larodon? Southern France?” “That’s right! Future Heir to the throne to!” replied Reagan. “So, what’s your name?” The girl scoffed and replied, “You don’t know who I am?” Reagan said, “No not really. That’s what I was trying to ask you.” “My name is Harper. Harper Jane Cadigan Scott.” said the girl. “And these four girls make up my group. The one with the black hair is Marissa, the one with the gross looking flying pig thing on her shirt is Elle, the one who’s the brace face is Lorraine,” Reagan mouthed to Lorraine, “You’re braces look nice.” and Loraine mouthed back “Thanks.” Harper continued, “and the one in the yellow which is a really disgusting color BTW, is known as Krystal.” Reagan stared at them before saying, “Nice to meet ya.” “So, now that you know this little group here, get outta my way.” said Harper, turning up her nose. “What are you even doing anyway?” “Oh, um. I’m looking for my locker.” said Reagan, showing Harper her schedule. “It’s locker 239.” “What?! You can’t have that locker!” said Harper. “Why not? The school staff gave it to me so that means it’s mine for this year.” said Reagan. “But that’s my locker!” said Harper. “Everyone knows that locker 239 is the biggest locker in the school! Well, everyone except you Four Eyes.” “I know. That’s why they gave it to me.” said Reagan. Harper growled and was ready to strangle Reagan but Marissa stopped her and said, “Harper. We gotta go. Besides, I heard Kaiden was in our economics class.” Harper gasped in delight, “Why didn’t you say so?! Let’s go!” The other girls followed Harper down the hall, except for Loraine, who stayed behind to help Reagan find her locker and just like Harper had said, locker 239 was the biggest locker in the entire school. Reagan waisted no time to get started organizing her brand new locker. “Shame.” Reagan said to herself. “This locker looks so dull. It would be nice to spice it up a bit.” Then, Reagan had a wonderful, spectacular idea! Tomorrow before school started, she would bring in the beautiful acrylic paints that she had gotten for her birthday back in the summer and paint her locker till her her hearts desire. Reagan checked her schedule as she finished placing the new lock on the front. Reagan’s Schedule - A Day: Mon, Wed, Fri 1st Period-Art 3rd Period-US History 5th Period-Biology 7th Period-Office Aid B Day: Tues, Thurs 2nd Period-Spanish 1 4th Period-Culinary Arts 6th Period-English 2 8th Period-Algebra 2 Lunch: First Lunch Reagan was happy when she saw her first class. Art was one of her favorite things to do! She would spend hours a day just drawing and doodling in her sketchbook. It even helped her when she was stressed or upset. So this class would really help improve her art a bit more, especially when it came to drawing hands. History. Oh brother. History was super long and super boring and History wasn’t one of her strengths. Biology. Mmm, not so bad. But then Reagan remembered she didn’t really like it as much when she was homeschooled because she never got to do any labs at all. Office Aid? What was that? Spanish. Perfect! She more or less knew some words in Spanish thanks to homeschool. And one of her aunts spoke Spanish to so this would help expand her vocabulary. Culinary Arts? Wow! She loved to help the family’s personal chef in the kitchen back home and bake things on her own from time to time to! She could learn to cook and expand from making a simple PB and J sandwich. English. Interesting. Would she be learning the language English? Algebra. It was neither her weakness or her strength. But she was well advanced in math seeing how good at it she was. Reagan checked the time on her watch. 7:55AM “Uh oh.” thought Reagan, “I should already be at art class!” She didn’t wanna miss her first real class. She stuffed her schedule in her pocket, picked up her art supplies and sketchbook, and dashed down the hall to the art room. The minute Reagan stepped foot into the room, she was already greeted with large tables, pictures and paintings from years past, easels, light tables, tables with five chairs for five students to sit at, and a closet filled with tons of art supplies. But the professor was missing. Where was she...or he? Reagan dropped her things at the nearest table and walked around the room while the students chatted amongst themselves. She looked around the large room but then stopped at the closet. She saw a short figure who looked shorter than her, fumbling about where the paints were. Reagan asked in a shy tone, “U-Uh. E-Excuse me? I-I don’t mean to be a bother b-but uh. Where did the professor run off to?” The women bumped her head before turning to Reagan. She looked and dressed like a gypsy women. Beads and all. Reagan’s eyes widened as she saw her. The women hopped down from the ladder and walked up to Reagan. “You’re lookin’ right at her.” she replied. She had a thick Russian accent. “Oh. It’s uh, nice to meet you.” said Reagan. “I-I’m-“ “New student. I know.” she replied. “Davay! Davay! out out out!” She pushed Reagan out of the closet and said, “Take your seat. I don’t have all day.” Reagan said nothing and took her seat. This art professor seemed pretty rude. The women clapped her hands to get the students attention. “Dobroye UUUUtro class.” said the lady, holding the U. “Dobroye Utro Ms. Preobrazhensky.” said the rest of the class. “Welcome welcome! I would love to welcome you all to my Art class.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Now, vhile I take the roll. I would like you to complete your first sketchbook assignment. Vou must draw your name and draw all de things you kiddies like. Uh, for instance uh de Fortnite game or de annoying song vith the colorful sharks or vhat ever you kiddies like now a-days. Da! Begin.” Regan opened her big, black sketchbook and got to work. She wrote her name in big bubbly letters and colored it red. Then she got to work on surrounding her name with many things she liked like. Her drawing consisted of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a lamb, a paint pallet with a paintbrush, a drawing of Iron Man, the symbol for Taurus, a stack of comic books, a steam engine train, Patch from 101 Dalmatians, and some puzzle pieces representing the fact that she has Autism. She didn’t notice that any time passed by until Ms. Preobrazhensky shouted, “Gold Girl!” Reagan jumped in her seat in surprise. Most kids snickered at her. “Come on, let me see your vork.” she barked. Reagan showed Ms. Preobrazhensky her sketchbook. Ms. Preobrazhensky stared at it for a while before she took it to her desk. Reagan sat in her seat for the longest time while the gypsy looking art teacher was staring at her sketchbook. She felt nervous and started twirling a loose strand of her hair (which she often does when she’s nervous). “REAGAN!” Ms. Preobrazhensky screeched. Regan’s eyes widened as the teacher called her. She stood up and walked to the desk. “Niet! Niet! In my office.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, pointing a long bony finger to a small office. Reagan gulped and stepped into her office. Was she going to get in trouble on her very first day? Ms. Preobrazhensky closed the door and started.....hugging Reagan. Reagan was confused. “Vou brilliant child! Look at this!” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, showing her the assignment. “I had no idea you’s could draw so well! How long have you’s been drawing?” “..Since I was 3.” said Reagan, still twirling her hair. “I’ve never seen dis type of talent in my class before.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “My dear! There is not much I can teach you! You have very good talent!” “Really?” asked Reagan excitedly. “...but I wish I could draw hands better. My hands look like potatoes.” “Tell you what.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “How about I gives you some pointers on how to draw hands. During the lunch break. You’s can have your lunch here and then we can start.” “You mean it?” asked Reagan with a gleam in her eyes. “Of course of course!” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “After all, talent like this does not show up everyday. Although. I am curious about de puzzle pieces you drew here. Wvat do they mean?” Reagan fumbled with her words. If she told the teacher, let alone the whole school that she had Aspergers, she’d be the laughing stock of the entire 10th grade! “U-Uh....I-I love to do puzzles.” Reagan lied. “Ahh.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky, “interesting hobby for a girl your age.” “Uh yep.” said Reagan with a nervous laugh. Ms. Preobrazhensky handed back her sketchbook. “So, I wvill see you during lunch on Wednesday?” asked Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Sure!” said Reagan, “Thank you. Thank you Ms. Preoba...uh, can I call you Ms. P?” “Of course you may.” said Ms. Preobrazhensky. “Cool. Thank you Ms. P!” said Reagan as she walked back to her seat. She sighed with relief. .... The rest of the morning went by in a blur and before Reagan knew it, it was lunchtime. She took her orange metal lunchbox and headed for the cafeteria. Reagan walked slowly as she tried to find a seat but most of the students already called dibs on each table. Then, Reagan saw Harper and her group of friends (minus Loraine) sitting at half-empty table eating and gossiping. “Harper!” said Reagan. “Harper! It’s Reagan from this morning!” Harper stopped her, “Hold it Four Eyes!” Reagan stopped dead in her tracks. “This table is for popular girls only.” said Harper. “Yeah, we don’t take in newbies!” added Marissa. “B-But I don’t have anywhere else to sit.” said Reagan. “Tough!” said Krystal. “Let me show you where the newbies sit.” said Harper. She lead Reagan to the garbage cans in the corner of the cafeteria. “B-But that’s the garbage can.” Reagan said. “Exactly. That’s where all the newbies go. Because every single newbie that comes to this school is nothing but a lowlife piece of trash!” explained Harper. “Ask the freshmen! Trust me, this seating arrangement is WAY up you’re alley.” With that, Harper walked away, leaving Reagan alone. Well, Reagan had no other choice. She sat on the floor and ate her lunch. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some apple slices, a little white milk carton, some celery sticks, and a chocolate chip cookie. Loraine noticed that Reagan was sitting on the floor by herself. “You got sent to the trash to?” she asked. “Yep.” said Reagan, not paying attention. “I know how that feels.” Loraine replied. “I got sent here to. But you wouldn’t be sitting here if I didn’t sit with you.” Loraine sat next to Reagan. “S-So. You’re Reagan?” asked Loraine. “Uh-huh.” Reagan replied. “And you’re........Marissa?” “Close. It’s Loraine.” said Loraine. “Ohhh! Brace Face!” said Reagan. Loraine stared at her and started to eat her food. Reagan realized that she wasn’t supposed to say that. “Oh geez. U-Uh, Loraine I didn’t mean to uh-“ “No, it’s Ok. I get that a lot. Even Harper calls me Brace Face.” said Loraine reassuring her. “Then, if Harpers your friend, why does she cal you brace face?” asked Reagan. Loraine looked at Harper and then back at Reagan. “Harper’s cool and all but she’s...she’s a real jerk sometimes.” replied Loraine, “and besides, she’s never complimented on my braces before. I just got them a week ago and they hurt like crazy.” “Oh, here.” said Reagan handing her an Advil cup. “Take an Advil pill, it will help with the pain.” Loraine took a tablet and swallowed it with some milk to wash it down before handing back the Advil cup back to Reagan. “Thank you.” said Loraine. “Hey, since we’re here, wanna tell secrets? If that’s what you royalty folks like doing.” “Sure!” said Reagan. “Uh, you go first.” “OK.” said Loraine. She whispered, “I have had this weird habit of biting my nails. I still have it and nobody else knows this.” “M-My turn.” said Reagan. “The thing is that I...I............IhaveAspergersSyndrome.” “What?” asked Loraine, “You we’re speaking to fast Reagan.” “Sorry.” she replied, “I…I have Asperger’s Syndrome…its a case of mild Autism. I’ve had it since I was two and it-it effects me socially and mentally. I have some weird obsessions. I still watch Blues Clues for pete’s sake and-“ “Reagan.” said Loraine, “I’ve heard enough. But why don’t you wanna tell anyone this information?” “I-I don’t wanna tell anyone because I-I didn’t wanna get bullied again.” said Reagan. Loraine held out her pinky and said, “I won’t tell a soul that you have Autism. It’s a promise. A pinky promise.” Reagan looked at her pinky and joined hers in with Loraine’s. “Thank you.” said Reagan as she hugged Loraine. Loraine was shocked but hugged her back.

[collectiveyou-blog]

@padfootagain

After a delay for the holidays, I’m excited to share the lovely Carole @padfootagain is this week’s writer of the week! So excited to share her story with you all. Check out her blog and read some of her wonderful writings. Send some love this week as January is @faficowrimo as well!

An admin note as well: wotw will be posted Sundays each week from now on.

Tell us a little about yourself.

Well, hello! Thank you for doing this, this is so much fun!

So, my name is Carole, aka padfootagain. I am 23, I’m French and I am doing a PhD in nanomaterials (basically, chemistry). I have a Master’s degree in Physics and Chemistry, with a specialty in Nanosciences and I am doing a PhD because I want to be a researcher :)  I love cinema in general, books, music and drawing. And obviously, I love writing :) I have fallen a few years ago in the pit of fandoms, and I don’t think I’ll get out of it, not that I want to, to be honest. Which explains why I write fanfictions!

What do you currently write?

Oh dear… I write for quite a lot of fandoms. It started with the Marauders (so HP) and it got completely out of hand and now I also write for Narnia, the MCU, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Stranger Things, Poldark, LOTR and a handful of characters played by Ben Barnes (yes, I’m a fan of this actor). I also write for a few actors. I write original stories that are not fanfics as well. And I write both one-shots and series, long and short. I have a tendency to write more than I intended to at first :) I write with reader-insert and OCs alike.

When did you start writing? Do you remember your first piece of fan fiction? What was it about?

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t writing, really. I think that as soon as I was able to use a pen, I started writing. I’ve always loved stories and had a wild imagination, so it was a good way to control my crazy brain (it still is).

The first real piece of fanfiction that I posted is a Jily, Sirius Black x OC fic that I posted on fanfiction.net (I wasn’t on tumblr yet at the time), and it is a very long one… 70 chapters. I liked it very much tbh and I took around a year and a half to write it. It was basically about their 6th and 7th year at Hogwarts.

But if you want the real funny story, then the first piece of fanfiction I wrote was when I was seven. And I had no idea what a fanfiction was, at the time, obviously, but without knowing it I actually wrote one! We had to present a book for school, and I wanted to present Peter Pan, because it was my favourite book. But one of my classmates stole my idea and presented this book first, and I was very upset about it. I tried to negotiate with my teacher, but he didn’t want me to present that book, saying that I couldn’t present the same story as one of my classmates.

Huge mistake from my teacher here. He said I couldn’t talk about the same story, not the same characters! So I wrote a story with Peter Pan and I presented it to the class! It was about a treasure hunt and I did drawings for it and everything. I still have it. It was ridiculous but I reckon the story is funny. And that was my first fanfic!

Why reader insert?

I find reader inserts very interesting. When I started on tumblr, and learnt about that way of writing, I had spent around two years writing for OCs, and I was looking for a challenge, honestly. So I started to write one-shots, when before I had only written very long series. And I also tried reader inserts as another challenge. It requires to change your style of writing quite a lot and to be careful not to reveal details so readers can identify with what you’re writing. And I love doing it! I’ve never liked very much describing my OCs in terms of appearance, so it was quite liberating, as with reader insert I had to avoid that. Also, I write series with that style, because even if you have to try to not describe how this Y/N looks like, I’ve never considered that I shouldn’t develop her/his personality any less than for an OC. So I still have fun creating characters, I just change my style of writing, really. And even if now there’s not really any challenge in that anymore for me, I still use it all the time. Also, on a purely practical way… I don’t like choosing names for my OCs and this is the best solution! Especially for one-shots. I have more than 200 stories on tumblr, I would have never been able to choose so many names!! So… there is also this lazy part of me :)

If someone wanted to get into your writing, what piece would you have them start with and why?

Ooooh… that is a good question… I write quite a lot of fluff. I don’t write any smut at all. I do write some things with angst too (I’m a writer, I like torturing my readers from time to time, like any writer), but I also love writing fluff. I think that lots of people are snobbing the sweet stories nowadays, but I love a good happy ending, and some cute moments, and a love story that is sweet and ends with a ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Call me cheesy, if you’d like, I’m proud to be so!

So… I guess that a good one to start would be a series that I wrote for Caspian (Narnia), called A Recipe For Love. It’s pretty popular, amongst my readers, I think. It’s very cute, and has a bit of angst too. It’s about Caspian falling in love with a cook working in his Castle. I think it’s a good start for my stories.

You are currently working on a winter event filled with delightful seasonal themed prompts. Tell us more about that!

I very often organize events on my blog, because I love talking with my readers and I want to make them happy! So, to celebrate the winter season and the fluff that goes with it, I wrote a list of prompts, and my readers can pick up a few of those prompts, and a character from my masterlist, and I write a little one-shot for them :) They can’t send requests anymore, it was for a limited time, but I’m writing the stories now! I’m going to keep doing this for a few weeks. I just love writing cute stories, really… ;)

What are your goals for your writing moving forward?

…

…

I’d like to finish the series I’ve started… Is that a goal? I don’t have goals when it comes to writing tbh. I just write what inspires me and makes me happy! I don’t pretend to be talented enough to be published, and I only write because I love it. So, I don’t have goals. I just want to enjoy myself, and I hope that the love I pour into my stories transpires enough to make a few people happy too :)

What are you currently reading?

I am reading a very cute book called Let It Snow, which is composed of three love stories taking place during a blizzard. It was written by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle. It’s very sweet and very funny, I like it! It goes with the season :)

Do you have any advice for new writers?

Several people asked me for advice before, and I even made a few posts about that, but tbh… the best advice that I could give is to know when you should not care about advice.

When I started to really write a lot and to create long stories (not as fanfictions, but other stories) I was on my own. And I loved writing them, but as I could feel that it was a serious thing to me, I looked for advice on the internet. I thought that it couldn’t hurt, and that having advice from professionals could help me getting better. But actually, I realized that my way of writing was completely different from the advice I read! Especially, I’ve always hated to plan my stories. And everyone will advise you to plan your story. So, I tried to follow this advice, and a few others, thinking that I was doing it all wrong before. But it completely killed the joy I had for writing. I was asking myself tons of questions, and trying to apply rules that clearly didn’t fit me, and I ended up stopping to write for more than a year. Until one day, I started to write something else, deciding not to take into account the advice that I had seen before. And here I am. Not planning my stories, and having no clue of where I’m going, and having too many ideas for my own good, but I’m writing. And I’m enjoying what I write and I love writing these stories.

Now, I’m not saying that all advice are bad. But I think that when you just start writing, you look up to other writers and try to use the same techniques as they do, which is normal. And it’s important at the beginning to try tons of styles and ways to write to find your own way to write. But you shouldn’t forget that you and this writer you admire are different people, and your brains don’t work the same! There’s no shame in writing your story your own way, even if your favourite writer doesn’t write like that at all! On the contrary. I think it’s important to stop torturing yourself trying to get something perfect, and just actually write something you want to write and, more importantly, the way that makes you the happiest. And if you have to write your story without any plan and make a mess to do it, then I think that you should do it. Writing is such a liberating thing, it’s a shame to lose this freedom and joy because you’re trying to fit in categories and techniques. Just write what you like, the way you like, and you’ll be a happier writer :)

@padfootagain

padfootagain Masterlist

[obsidianarchives]

Black Wizard History Month 2019 Round Table

Every February at Black Girls Create we celebrate Black Wizard History Month, a celebration of the Black characters of Harry Potter, Black Potterheads in fandom, and magical Black folks everywhere. This year our month-long turn up included live tweets, a live show of our #WizardTeam podcast, and fanfiction hosted through our Hogwarts BSU project.

Fanfiction is a large part of fandom, and in many cases can be a place for marginalized fans to see and write themselves into the stories they love. Hogwarts BSU is a project specifically for Black writers and artists to write stories centered around Black characters, history, and magic in the wizarding world. As a way to wrap up a jam-packed month, we decided to host a round table with a few of the writers of the pieces that came out during this year’s Black Wizard History Month.

How did you get into Harry Potter?

Bianca Ramos: When I was in 7th grade, my younger cousin was assigned books 1-3 in school. It was during the conservative Christian outrage and my family asked me to pre-read them for him since I was a "reader." I knocked them out quickly and was hooked.

Delia Gallegos: Growing up, the books always peaked my interest in the library, even though I was only 5 or 6 years old. Our household was pretty religious, so my mom was wary about letting me read them. One summer, my cousin lent me Sorcerer’s Stone while we were at my grandma’s. I only got a chapter in but I knew I HAD to read it. After a lot of begging on my part, my mom relented and agreed to let me read it under the condition that she could read the first one out loud to me. The rest was history!

Constance Gibbs: I started reading Harry Potter when I was in sixth grade and someone was reading Chamber of Secrets. I can’t remember if I read that one first or if I went to Sorcerer’s Stone, but I read all three that were out at the time and had my grandma take me to pre-order Goblet of Fire, which was about to come out. I’ve been hooked ever since.

Porshèa Patterson: In 6th grade, my then-bestie told me about the series but had already lent the first book out. That summer I picked up the books from the library after learning I'd never see this bestie again due to me changing schools. Thus, Harry Potter became my new best friend.

Have you read fanfiction before? What draws you to it? Or what kept you away from it?

Bianca: I didn't read fanfiction before getting into everything going on here at Black Girls Create. I don't know why. I guess I just never found myself on that side of the internet. Now I think I’m more open to it.

Delia: I’m a long-time fanfiction reader. I first started after the 5th book came out. At the time, it was just a matter of Harry Potter sparking my imagination and there being no material to satisfy it. So, I turned to the internet. Now, engaging with Harry Potter and the fandom in a creative way is almost second nature to me.

Connie: I didn’t start reading Harry Potter fanfiction until sometime after the series was over because I didn’t want to spoil the series as it was coming out. I think I tried in 2007, when the series first ended, but it didn’t stick. But a few years later, I read a few post-series stories. Usually shippery ones involving Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione, but I went through a big Lily/James Marauders Era phase and I occasionally read Remus/Tonks. For the romantic stories, as we discuss on #WizardTeam often, there wasn’t a lot in the text, so it’s nice to see others’ varying but often similar interpretations on how the canon relationships could have gone with more effort put into developing them. Plus I’m a fuzzy Hufflepuff.

Porshèa: I'd started reading fanfic during the lapse between books 4 and 5, began integrating them into canon thanks to some very vivid dreams, then promptly stopped reading because there were too many books to go for me to have those problems.

What made you want to start writing fanfiction?

Bianca: I was inspired by revisiting Harry Potter through #Wizard Team, by the short stories on the site, and the complete gas up I received when I shared my ideas in the Slack. The team is a wonderful place to bounce around ideas and everyone is really supportive.

Delia: I was really young (probably too young, admittedly) when I started reading fanfiction. I started writing it on a whim. It was very much, “Hey I want to do that, too!” so I did. Being that young, you really don’t care that you don’t know how to plot a story or that you haven’t even really finished learning about grammar. You just do it because it seems fun.

Connie: I’d never written fanfiction before Hogwarts BSU/#Wizard Team. I was content to lurk in whatever fandoms I was reading fic for. I think wanted to give it a try because of something Robyn and Bayana said on #WizardTeam, and that’s where my first fic, Do Black Wizards Nod, came from. The idea of whether the Black students give each other the nod and how they would deal with that. Then I kept getting prompts or fic bunnies and it feels so much easier than when I try to write original works.

Porshèa: I've recently taken to writing fanfic because I want to fill in the holes within the fandoms I love. I'm empowered to do so because of the community that BGC has curated, the validation of headcanons, and understanding that we're the best at crafting stories from our individual lenses.

What was your inspiration for your piece?

Bianca: The complete ball drop that was History of Magic in North America and J.K. Rowling ignoring valid criticism. Like most American fans, I was excited to see the wizarding world expand to include us. However, the fact that racism — RACISM — something that plays a major part in the development of the three largest countries here, isn't even recognized on a small scale is insulting to readers. You can't tell me that a country with a history as bloody and messed up as the U.S. has wizards of every racial background being besties. It's not realistic. I also understand that maybe J.K. Rowling felt unqualified to talk about it, but I believe it can be done in a way that is both careful and makes sense.

Delia: I’ve been preaching the good word of Deanmione since February 2018. Since coming aboard the ship, I’ve been surprised to find that I am pretty much the only person sailing on it. The existing fanfic of the pairing is sparse. So when To All The Boys I���ve Loved Before came out on Netflix, I fell in love again with the story (I had read the book) and the gears in my head started turning. Then, when #WizardTeam started on Half-Blood Prince, I realized that was the perfect fit.

Connie: I’ve written a few things now, but I like thinking about the Black students forming a group and watching out for each other. I was never part of a BSU, but in high school and college I went to predominantly white schools and found myself most comfortable around my peers of color. In high school it was just natural, gravity, but I think in college I sought it out more deliberately. So I could relate to Blaise’s desire to find/start a group to help him feel less alone on campus. I remember that feeling, though I can’t say I consciously channeled it when I wrote Umoja. Other inspiration included the idea of honoring Kwanzaa in a way that helped me connect with the holiday more than I do in real life, and finding a creative way to use each principal to tell a story. And further inspiration comes from Delia and the rest of the team being instigators.

"...if you want something written about Black wizards learning within the wizarding world to be done well, you've gotta roll up your sleeves and do it yourself."  -- Porshèa Patterson

Porshèa: The inspiration for my piece comes from the wandless magic conversations throughout the books — specifically when it comes to powerful wizards and house-elves — the disappointment that is Magic in North America, and Uagadou. All of the missing elements in these spurred me into writing, because obviously if you want something written about Black wizards learning within the wizarding world to be done well, you've gotta roll up your sleeves and do it yourself.

What are some things in Harry Potter canon that you would like to explore or fix?

Bianca: As mentioned before, we can fix History of Magic in North America. I think that exploring the wizarding world here could be pretty awesome. I'd love to see stories of Indigenous wizards, Mexican wizards, or a story of Japanese American wizards and wizard immigrants (especially if they are written by someone in that community). Why did they decide to come here and what have they experienced and endured since? Also, we need to get rid of that "Cursed" play and Dumbledore and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day prequels.

Delia: I started as a Harmony shipper, believe it or not. I read others, but that was my OTP. I was just so underwhelmed by the romance in the books. Since the series finished, my biggest sore spot has been the Epilogue. They went through so much trauma. How did they work through it to get to that happy ending? How on EARTH did Hermione end up with emotionally stunted Ron (sorry Ronmione shippers, it’s all love)? Why is Harry not the DADA professor? I'd also love to fix Leta's story. I wish she could have a fully fledged story that isn’t based in tragedy. A story where she lives and is happy. She deserved better.

Connie: Like Bianca said, the global wizarding community is one thing I wish we could fix in canon. Jo did such a poor job of thinking of anywhere outside of Europe and it really hinders the story when considering how global both the fans and the Muggle world, even in Britain, are. I also wish we could remove Fantastic Beasts and Cursed Child from existence. I wish Fantastic Beasts starred an actor of color for Newt and that it was romps in the jungle searching for beasts and perhaps treasure. I wish they were adventure stories set in the ‘20s a la Indiana Jones or the Mummy franchise and not…what it is.

Porshèa: While there's a lot that needs to be fixed — see everyone else's answers — I think I only have the patience to 'fix' the ways in which Black American communities practice magic, the integration of magic and modern tech — because there are too many Muggle-borns for this to NOT be a thing — and wizarding higher education.

Are there Black characters in other media you would want to write fanfiction for?

Bianca: As of right now, no.

Delia: I don’t really see myself writing outside of my own original work and Harry Potter fanfiction. Potter is the only world besides those of my own creation that I know well enough to write in. But who knows!

Connie: There have been so few Black characters that I relate to, and I find myself not reading fanfic leading them very often. I’ve read only a few characters that were Black in other fandoms, Abigail Mills from Sleepy Hollow and Chidi from The Good Place more recently. I think I also read some fic starring Tucker from Danny Phantom (throwback!) who the fans thought had good chemistry with Danny’s sister Jazz. But there are few characters in other properties I feel drawn to enough to write, which really makes me sad. Hopefully I get more characters to want to play with and can expand my fic reading beyond shiny white people problems (or anime characters, as was my fanfiction beginnings). Perhaps some day I’ll be drawn to Doctor Who fic for those Black characters, but it hasn’t quite happened yet.

Porshèa: There is a character from the A Song of Ice and Fire series that I relate to heavily, though we know very little about her. My goal is to start on a fanfic for her after completing the Founding Home series.

Do you think Black characters get enough love in fan spaces? Why or why not?

Bianca: It depends on who the story was written for. In predominantly white stories with white main characters, Black characters are usually thrown in as an afterthought, and it shows. The same goes with color blind casting and not adjusting the story to make sense for a person of color. On the other hand, you get stories written for Black characters and characters of color like in Scandal or Pose and there is this level of care that is woven into it that changes how the characters are viewed. Fans can't help but fall in love with a fully fleshed out character.

Delia: You can read Mel’s Critical Companion piece from this month for the long answer. The short answer is, no. At best, in fandom, Black characters are often overlooked, save for when they serve a headcanon for a white character. At worst, they are overly harshly scrutinized or rejected, even though they are often one character of color out of dozens of white ones.

"At best, in fandom, Black characters are often overlooked, save for when they serve a headcanon for a white character."  -- Delia Gallegos

Connie: Definitely not. I get sad when I think about how I perhaps perpetuate this lack of love by not talking about those characters enough or, more to the point here, not reading fic starring them. But also, those characters only have a few stories on the fanfic websites or don’t get as much screen time or development to work with. Or perhaps they’re not put in situations I want to think on too often, leading me to not even go looking for “fix-it” fic where writers fix whatever bad thing happens to them. And I think the stories I like with predominantly Black characters are in recurring works where I’m waiting to see where the actual author takes them. There may be something to the idea of me just being happy they exist and not wanting to mess with them too much. Two book series I think of are the Shadowshaper Cypher by Daniel José Older and Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. The worlds are so new and I’m just so happy to get these great characters that I’m not looking for anyone else’s take on them just yet, but maybe that will come down the line. In more established franchises, I definitely think Black characters don’t get enough love in the fandom nor by the writers/producers.

Porshèa: What they said. I do love that the actors who portray the token Black faces call out the Black fan appreciation they get, especially when Luke Youngblood and Alfie Enoch pointed out that they'd realized that the Black fans made a point to seek them out within the films during BGC-led panels at LeakyCon.

What is a character or theme in Harry Potter that you want to write about or explore in the future?

Bianca: I have a list of things that I would like to write about in Harry Potter, and it seems to grow everyday. New schools, founders, and histories. I'd also like to flesh out some characters like Mrs. Zabini.

Delia: I think even after To All the Wizards I’ve Considered Before is finished, there will still be more to be told of Dean and Hermione.

Connie: I’m interested in exploring more Blaise/Desiree as a flourishing Black couple in the wizarding world and what challenges in their relationship they may have to overcome. Also just showing Black love cuteness. I think beyond the BSUverse, Robyn and I keep trying to come up with some post-First War detective story, perhaps involving an original character or Kingsley.

Porshèa: After Founding Home, I'm going to (someday) flesh out my Parvati, Lavender, and others boss witch writers story, and my Dumbledore and Prince ‘90s fashion-off story. More after that, maybe?

Make sure to read our guests and other writers’ pieces on our Hogwarts BSU page. If you have fic you would like published, or if you would like to participate in Black Wizard History Month in the future, feel free to check out our submission guidelines or hit us up at weblackandnerds@gmail.com. Thanks for reading, and we hope to see you next February and all the months in between!

[yurijunkie]

Just a disclaimer, no one has to read this. This is just me ranting about I am and feel right now with my depression and what I’m dealing with so if you get triggered by things like so, then just continue on and I’ll post regular stuff after. 

Now before you tell me I should see a therapist I have. Tried being honest with them about everything but it’s hard for me to be honest when I can’t even be honest with myself or talk to people about my true feelings. I bottle things up and hide from things and that’s just what I’m used to. 

I’ve probably suffered from anxiety and depression for a long long time but I only recently realized I had it, a couple years ago. I’ve always been one to deal with my own problems on my own and cry by myself when no one was around. When I was younger, first in 6th grade, I found this chat website from a site I watched anime on and ended up going on there to chat to random people. It was fine at first cause I made lot’s of friends but then by 7th grade I got a relationship from it and one thing came after another. All my relationships being long distance and mainly from this one site cause it was easier for someone to like me when they didn’t know or see me. What I still mainly believe about myself. I then got into one relationship close to my freshman year of high school, a time when I was super insecure of course, and the relationship was from this site of course and ended up being one of my most emotionally abusive relationships I’ve ever been in. I luckily got out of it after maybe a year but it definitely left scars and scared me of relationships for awhile. Messing me up pretty bad from what I remember. Every time I think back to it I hated that time in my life and still makes me feel shitty and gross about myself. 

I would go on and off this site, every time hating it more and more but I still would go on it almost like some addict, wanting to be wanted and wanting to talk to someone no matter how gross and uncomfortable I felt while being on there. I met some cool people on it and some not so cool people, as well as some little relationships that fucked me up more and one relationship that wasn’t so bad. All in all this site fucked me up and didn’t help with my mental state but the internet is the internet and sometimes it can be great and sometimes you can come across something that you can’t get away from for years. 

We’ll come back to this site in a moment but for now let’s get back to the main topic I’m crying over about now. 

It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I realized I had depression. I had been staying home from school lot’s of days, not wanting to go outside or see anyone. Crying all the time, sometimes over myself, sometimes over nothing I just felt sad all the time and would just cry. I finally told my mom and I saw a therapist for awhile and it went alright but then I just stopped seeing them. I had to be there for my mom cause stuff happened and I rather not get too into it but life just happens, that’s as much as I can sum it up. Senior year I was still sad and then I graduated and went straight into a job. During that summer I struggled with my sexuality thinking I was a lesbian and sometimes not thinking I was pretty or good enough to be one. But none the less that wasn’t my main issue. It was still my being sad over everything and my always wanting to be in a relationship to feel validated of myself. I still think this and deal with this which is the thing I hate most about myself. I always meet people and first think I hope they think I’m cute or like me so I can feel better since I hate myself so much. I don’t know why I do this, I wish I didn’t cause it’s absolutely gross of me. People can be just friends and I don’t mind friends but I just have so much insecurities I want to be validated that I’m worth it. 

Anyways there came a point this year where I cut myself because it was the only thing that made me feel anything real. I ended up telling my ma the next morning and went to the doctor for medication. Which I still take but not everyday cause I forget to some days then some days I feel scared or unworthy to feel better from it. I was alright for awhile but then work started affecting me worse and I just started to feel more and more messy about what I was doing with my life and who I was and if I was just lazy and unmotivated or just depressed. I would go out with friends and it would help somedays but most days I just wanted nothing to do with anything outside or anyone. We’re not coming up to now because I’ve gone all over the place but this is how I am now. 

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I would love to be happy but for some reason I can’t be and I still go on this chat site like some drug as a way to find someone to like me and validate me. I feel gross over me living and I sleep more so I don’t have to be awake with who I am and have to tolerate myself. I have anxiety over most things and overthink everything. Especially if someone likes me or not or if I look fine or what I’m doing with my life. I have hope and optimistic with things but at the same time I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and stop crying. Crying is all I can do and sometimes I still want to harm myself because it’s the only real thing about me I feel like. All I can say most the time is sorry for how I am. People always ask me why I say sorry so much it’s because I always feel like I’m doing something wrong and I need to apologize for how I am and what I am. I don’t like going outside much and I can’t talk to people much, specially my ma cause everything just either irritates me or I can’t handle it. My life is a mess. I’m a mess. And I wish I knew what was wrong with me and why I am the way I am. I wish I could be happy like others. Not be me. Just be someone else. Start over and be someone completely different and not cry almost everyday. Some days I’m just sad and I don’t know what over. I’m just. Sad. And wish I could run away from everything. Be better than me. Do what I would like to. Have motivation to do things and not be lazy. Wish I didn’t overthink over everything. Not worry over everything. Not go on that site that makes me feel so gross and just block it. I just wanna go some where. 

I might draw about my life and my experience with depression and anxiety someday but I stared at goldfish for almost 5 minutes in walmart today and cried in the card for 10, not wanting to get out. So I made this post just to make it. Something that has been on my chest for years. Probably a cry for help but at the same time I can’t even talk to anyone cause I have a hard time doing so. My patience for my own feelings and myself is so low. 

Anyways I’m sorry about this being so long and all over the place. My mind has a hard time staying on track in the right order. 

I’ll post regular stuff to cover this up

[laikagohome]

Introduction: This is an interview with the manga author Yoshida Takashi. The original article is here: http://mangaonweb.com/news/2018/01/27/448. There are some interesting opinions in it, so I decided to translate it.

If you asked which ebook people are talking about the most right now, there would probably be many people who would mention the name “Yaretakamo Iinkai.” It’s always up there on the sales rankings of each of the digital bookstores, its live drama adaptation begins on January 27th on Abema TV, people are always talking about it on the net whenever there’s a new chapter, and its paper publication is slated for a second printing -- just to name a few things it’s got going for it. It really is a major-level grand slam.

The reason for its success is, of course, how interesting it is. But that’s not all, there’s another unexpected hidden aspect to this work that deserves some attention. The creator of this work, Yoshida Takashi-san, actually manages the copyright of this work on his own and takes care of everything from the writing to the sales. The publication of “Yaretakamo Iinkai” isn’t exclusive to any magazine put out by a publisher. The creator publishes his works on each web platform independently and makes a living using the royalties he earns from them as a source of income. The only contract he’s signed with a publisher is for the paper edition of the work to distribute it to bookstores, but he manages the digital version, drama adaptation, and such all himself. He doesn’t have to deal with any restrictions and can create his works freely. In other words, the work is one that is produced in an almost completely indie style.

It’s quite rare for a creator to be able to make this a reality. If you consider all the ins and outs of the publicity and distribution for a work, the contract negotiations, production costs, etc., taking care of it all on your own would require an extraordinary amount of labor. A single creator standing against the world without that ever-critical factor -- the backing of a major company -- would face extreme difficulties.

Why did Yoshida-san choose a path filled with such hardships? What’s really going on behind the scenes? How was he able to parlay that into the success that he has now? Let’s hear what the man himself has to say.

“Yaretakamo Iinkai” Yoshida Takashi Special Interview

The Royalties from Digital Publications Exceeded 1 Million Yen per Month

The drama adaptation has begun airing, and now people are talking about “Yaretakamo Iinkai” even more, but it’s not being serialized in any particular magazine. It’s a comic that gets tweeted about pretty regularly, but there are also probably a lot of people who are wondering how the creator makes money. Could you tell us a bit about what’s actually going on and how that works?

Yoshida Takashi:

To begin with, there are four platforms that my work is published on. “cakes,” “note,” “PixivFANBOX,” and “Manga on Web.” The way things are structured on “cakes,” “note,” and “PixivFANBOX” is that you only get the royalties for your works that people buy on each of the sites. From those three sites combined, I make around 100,000 to 110,000 yen a month. “Manga on Web” is an online magazine. You can buy it in all of the domestic digital bookstores. The agreement there is that I make a fixed amount of money from it, the minimum publication fee, as well as royalties that correspond to the amount of sales that the magazine makes. If anything could be called a "manuscript fee," then that would probably be it.

And then there’s income that I make from the royalties on the paper tankoubon as well as the digital versions. The other day, I got the royalties from the digital books for the first time. It was over 1 million yen for a single month. I’m a bit anxious about what will happen to the taxes I’ll have to pay for next year, but it’d be great if it kept selling at this pace.

Making over 1 million yen in a month on one book is pretty amazing. If you were talking about royalties from a paper publication, that would be about the amount you’d make if you sold 15,000 copies. It’d be a dream to get that much every month. Why did you decide to make your money writing in this way anyway? Please tell us a bit about the circumstances of how you came to draw “Yareta Iinkai.”

Yoshida:

Well, it’s not like I intended to do things the way I’m doing them now from the very beginning. At the start, I was just going to try to do things like any regular mangaka. I did the normal assistant thing, sent in an entry for a newcomer’s award that a publisher was running, and my gag manga “Finland Saga (Sei)” got serialized in Morning Two, but that ended in 2011. The tankoubon didn’t seem to sell very well. After the series ended, I brought in the name for my next work to the Morning editorial department, but I couldn’t get it past them at all. Like, really… it was almost like they had tacitly decided they weren’t going to allow me to have another series (laugh.)

I had no other choice, so I took the rejected names and turned them into manuscripts and sent them all over the place for newcomer awards at other publishers and magazines. One of the shorts I included in those was “Yaretakamo Iinkai.” It got noticed in the newcomer's award for Shougakukan's Superior magazine, and received an honorable mention. That was in 2013, but I had actually written “Yaretakamo Iinkai” a long time ago before that. I was assigned an editor, and I wanted to write the second chapter of it, but the editor said that the material was only good for a oneshot and wouldn’t let me draw a follow-up. I drew another name on some other subject and brought it in, but that didn’t get greenlit either.

While I was doing all of that, another 2 years passed, and in the meantime, I continued to send out my manuscripts to other editorial departments and win awards for them. It was like I somehow ended up with an editor in each of the editorial departments. I started thinking, “I really can’t let this go on,” and that’s when I came up with the idea for my work named “Share Body.” I felt like I was onto something that was sort of new, so I drew three chapters worth of names and sent them around to all the editors that I’d met so far. That ended up catching the eyes of the editor at Spirits.

I Still Haven’t Read the Last Volume of “Share Body”

You didn’t get to writing “Yaretakamo Iinkai” right away, did you?

Yoshida:

That’s right. At the time, I still wanted to have a series in a commercial magazine. But that ended the worst way possible and was quite traumatic for me… The editor in charge of me at Spirits who read the name for “Share Body” said it was interesting and wanted to make it a series. I should’ve been happy about that, right? But they wanted to use it as the original story and have another mangaka draw it. Of course I wanted to draw it, since it was my own work, but none of the names I had drawn were going anywhere, and I really wanted to do a series. So, after agonizing over it, I ended up accepting that condition. Someone else did the art, the series began in September of 2015, the first tankoubon came out in January of 2016, and 5 days after it went on sale, they told us to end it. So I was out of a job by spring. My dream was over in an instant.

So after bringing in all those works to be evaluated all those times, you didn't even get to draw the series that you finally got. And it even got cancelled too. I can see how that might be traumatic.

Yoshida:

Around the time the 6th chapter got printed, the editor in charge said “It’s not doing well in the surveys, so redraw the name.” I’m the type of person who can’t draw when they’re pressured, so before the series started, I had drawn about 30 chapters worth of names ahead of time. Of course, I showed all of those to the editor, and they said it was good back then. Fixing the names was really difficult. For example, if I revised the 7th chapter, then I’d have to adjust the 23rd chapter as well, otherwise it’d be inconsistent. There were important scenes, and that’s why I’d drawn them, but when I explained that things wouldn’t make sense later if I changed them, the editor wouldn’t budge and kept going on about how the survey results were poor. Even when I brought up the fact that they’d said it was good before, they just said, “Well, it’s not.” You’d hope that if an editor said something was good, then they’d stick by it till the end.

Anyway, I couldn’t change something that I thought was already interesting into something that I found boring, so the editor and the artist came together and changed the story. The artist probably didn’t want to do something like that either -- and I don’t really want to badmouth anyone -- but I felt like if I were drawing the pictures myself in a situation with a deadline, then I could’ve at least forced my way and drawn what I’d wanted. The survey results just kept getting worse, and the series got cancelled.

In the later half of things, it was being produced in this inexplicable way where I was drawing the names for the original work, and the artist and editor would base things on that, change it, and draw the manga. Now that I think back on it, it’s a complete mockery of how to go about producing anything. We were making fools of the readers. After the name were getting changed, I couldn’t read the magazine it was being published anymore. I kept having nightmares about running people over in a car with a broken steering wheel.

From the second half of the second volume onward, it pretty much wasn’t based on what I wrote. I told them myself, “The 3rd volume isn’t really based on what I wrote, so please downgrade what I’m being credited for.” I thought that might convey to them how I felt about having the original work changed, but they replied, “Then it’s okay if we lower your percentage of the royalties, right?” So I got in a fight with them, saying, “That’s not what’s in the contract!” It was a total quagmire. In the end, I still haven’t read the last volume of “Share Body.”

I couldn’t forgive myself for releasing something that didn’t live up to my original intentions into the world, and more than anything, I had done something inexcusable to the readers. The experience was traumatic for me, and I decided not to trust the judgement of others.

I Decided on Four Things that I Would Not Give Up

You were now pretty far off from the “regular mangaka” that most people would imagine. So is that when you started to draw “Yaretakamo Iinkai” for real?

Yoshida:

No, I had already tried bringing everything I thought up, and my series failed, so there was no way left for me to do things. I started uploading my manga onto twitter. I’d upload a 20-page manga that got rejected at Morning, 1 or 2-page manga, 4-panel comics, and I had a tons of rejected names. At the time, I was doing this livestream once a month on Nico. I’d announce that I was going to go viral on the program and keep uploading my manga. Deep down, I did wonder if there was any point to it, but there wasn’t anything else I could do.

And then, around a half year later, because I was uploading stuff every day, eventually there were some things that’d get retweeted 5,000 or 10,000 times. People began taking a look at my older works from that, and it caught the attention of sites like Omokoro and net celebs like Yoppii-san. In September of 2016, “Yaretakamo Iinkai” saw the light of day.

Oh, finally! It’s easy enough to say, “I’m going to go viral in half a year,” but it’s another thing to be able to accomplish that when you have nothing to guarantee it. That’s amazing.

Yoshida:

It’s going to sound like I’m tooting my own horn a bit, but back then I really felt like I was working hard (laugh.) The first chapter hit around 200,000 views at the time. I got a flood of requests to turn it into a book right away. I think it was about 4 or 5 publishers that asked to publish it, but because “Share Body” was such a big failure, I decided to be quite careful with everything, right down to dealing with the editors. That’s when I decided there were four things that I would not give up. They were basically, “I would decide the title myself,” “I wouldn’t have any meetings about it,” “I would do the art myself,” and “I would manage the digital publication myself.” The first one may sound quite obvious, but when you get a publisher involved, the title reflects on their brand, so they make you change it often times. (Though I was able to decide the title for “Share Body.”)

The second item had to do with the same thing. There are a lot of editors that will meddle with the work, and there are a lot more people than you think who will be very heavy-handed when dealing with you because they feel like they’re the ones paying you. When I would go to meet them after they invited me to turn it into a book, they’d say, “Let’s have some meetings about this and make it together.” I turned them all down. They’d say things like, “I can come up with all sorts of ideas that could fit the story,” and go on about all these different plans they’d have, and I’d just listen to what they had to say with a smile, and then leave. I was asked if it was possible to participate in the selection process for the different episodes, but I even said no to that. It was pretty brazen of me, but my stance was, “You’re the ones that said you wanted to turn it into a book, so please just do that.”

I also wanted them to accept that I was going to do the art as something that was a given. The publisher was coming on board after the planning, so handing over the digital rights would be strange too.

That all makes sense, but it must’ve been a perilous path. I can’t imagine talks proceeded all that smoothly once you made your stance clear to the publishing companies. They probably felt like they were setting the stage to make the chances of profitability higher, and you were refusing to go along with it. Did they feel a bit like, “Why is this guy even meeting with us then?”

Yoshida:

I did get told with a sigh that they didn’t want to talk to me anymore about that sort (negotiations about the rights) of stuff (laugh.) They’d laugh and ask me, “What happened to you to make you feel this way?” “Yaretakamo Iinkai” was the first piece of work out of all the manga that I had drawn that I actually felt like was going well, so I didn’t want to change the system that I was using to produce it until it was over. The things I was asking for came from a place more of fear rather than desires. I didn’t want to have the work get messed up anymore.

You felt like you were cornered. Thinking about it normally, a company offering to publish your work would have you take down the stuff you had put up publicly on “note,” serialize it exclusively on their own media platforms or magazines, and want to sell tankoubon. Did the conversations ever turn into something like that? That’s usually the pattern of what happened to other manga that got popular on the net at least, which is why I think it’s truly impressive that you were able to present a different method of success.

Yoshida:

Naturally, I insisted on not taking down anything on the sites that I had already put up. I had all these people on the net reading my work, so what would be the point of taking it down? Even if you go viral, what you really need to value the most aren’t the publishers that will give you work but your readers.

When I see people tweeting, “My series is starting,” or, “My book is coming out,” and fans respond, “Congratulations,” I end up thinking, “It’s not worth getting that happy about,” because I got cancelled after a half a year. Delivering your work to the reader is the goal, and having a series or putting a book out is just one way to do that. I know I’m being mean about it, but it’s almost like people just want to do a series so they can tweet about how it’s about to start. Having the publisher validate you and starting your series… it feels real nice for a moment, but then they suddenly stop tweeting for a month, and you see they’re getting cancelled. The story ends in the middle of things, and they end up letting down all the readers they worked so hard to build up.

After that, the mangaka that had their series cancelled are regarded differently. They won’t let you do things by yourself next time. They’ll have you adapt someone else’s original work or pair you up with a different person to do the art. The mangaka could just part ways with the publisher at that point, but they think to themselves, “If I just listen to what I’m told, something good might happen,” so they follow the rules that get set for them. Whenever I see someone talented just doing whatever they’re told by the publisher and the original work they’re adapting is no good, I wonder why they’re doing that. Like, “They’re so talented, and it’s such a waste!”

Starting your series or putting out a book, it’s not really something to celebrate. You may not be able to see it with your eyes, but delivering a work to the readers is what you should be most happy about. Having a series or putting out a book isn’t even a completely effective way to deliver something to the readers nowadays.

Tweets Are like Dust or Pollen

If delivering something to the reader were established as the goal of the process, then the landscape of this scene should look different. It’s certainly true that just drawing whatever the publisher tells you to do won’t always lead to good results. Did you have some plan you’d concocted to succeed without joining up with a publisher though?

Yoshida:

Not at all (laugh.) It feels like it just ended up this way because I decided what I didn’t want to do, like it was a process of elimination. I went viral once, so I thought if I just quietly drew a volume's worth of material and sold a digital version, I’d probably make some money. Even if I didn’t make that much money, as long as it was enough for me to draw my next piece, that would be enough.

A big reason why other mangaka-san get fixated on the idea of a series probably has to do with getting paid a manuscript fee. I understand where they’re coming from too, but if I were aiming to become a mangaka with everything I know now, I’d draw the manga that I want in the way that I want while working a part-time job or something, and put out an ebook once a year. I probably wouldn’t sell anything at first, but I’d polish my skills while seeing what works through trial and error, and then when someone comes across my work and it goes viral, I’d sign a contract that would be advantageous for me with the publisher. That’s the method I might choose to pursue. You can still dream like that.

Futabasha, the publisher that put out the tankoubon, didn’t pay a manuscript fee, but they were okay with me keeping the works I had up on “note,” “cakes,” and “Manga on Web,” gave me the freedom to put out a digital edition, and allowed me to have creator control over any application of it for derivative works, such as movie adaptations and the like. If I had made it my goal to put out a paper book, I don’t think it would’ve turned out this way.

After hearing everything that you’ve said, I can see that you have a deeply rooted distrust of the publishing companies at your core. But at the same time, although you make use of the internet and social networks in a very proactive way, there’s also this sort of vibe that you don’t believe they’re completely awesome either. It feels like the existence of the net was indispensable for the success of the work. You could even say that the success of “Yaretakamo Iinkai” was only possible because someone famous on the net picked up on it. How do you feel about that?

Yoshida:

I was honestly thankful that they were spreading it around the net. But it didn’t really change anything about my fundamental distrust in others. I might need some counseling or something (laugh.) It’s obvious, but it’s not like I think that everyone at the publishing companies are evil and everyone on the net is good. People who work in marketing or other internet-related fields are always looking for the next big thing that people will be talking about, and are incredibly fickle, so I’m trying to remember to not get consumed by that.

Also, people in IT can create places and spaces for manga (manga sites and applications,) but they can’t actually create the content itself. They can only make the restaurants and plates; they aren’t cooks. There are tons of sites out there with someone famous supervising but no views or ones with views but no monetization system in place. There are more apps and sites now, and the places you can draw manga have exploded in number, but the creator has to be careful and needs the power to carefully examine the place where they’re going to serialize their work.

If all you do is believe in the word “serialization,” you’re going to get turned into a dancing bear to attract attention. And you might even be made to do your jig in front of an empty audience. You want to at least have an audience if you’re going to be a dancing bear.

It’s true that there’s this idea of people who work in internet-related fields swarming around something in a flash, eating all they can, and then leaving. It’s common for new services to pop up one after another, and then disappear. They all seem very transitory.

Yoshida:

I was contacted by someone working for a certain application, asking me if I wanted to put my work on it. When I went to meet that person, they kept on saying things like, “You should do it now,” “It’s now or never,” “If you do it now, it’ll definitely do well.” They just kept saying the word “now” over and over. I said to them, “It’s true that “Yaretakamo Iinkai” might just be a flash in the pan, but you don’t really have to be so blunt about it, do you?” They responded, “Sorry, that’s not what I was trying to say. Please consider putting it on our service…” The conversation didn’t go anywhere. They were trying to make things go viral in the now, and I was wanted to continue drawing manga for the long haul. It got me feeling like our sensibilities were pretty different.

Recently, I’ve gotten quite skeptical of people who approach others just because they get a lot of retweets or have a lot of followers and ask them if they want to put out a book. Numbers make things easy to distinguish, so people tend to see retweet counts and follower numbers as having some value, but is it really okay for professional editors to be trusting them?

Are you talking about how editors are starting to resemble people who work in internet-related fields?

Yoshida:

They have, haven’t they. An editor I met the other day said to me, “I found this promising creator recently with around 6,000 followers. It’s my job to turn that number into 30,000,” and I was like, “Seriously?” Apparently there’s some data that came out that said if you have 30,000 followers, 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 will buy the book. I don’t think you can really believe in any of that, but they were telling me all this sort of proudly, so I started thinking, “What’s with this guy? I really shouldn’t trust him! I can’t trust him!!” (laugh.) I think everyone’s reacting too much to numbers. I mean, we’re not dogs here.

It would be simple if all you were trying to do was get people to clap their hands together and tell you it’s good, but you need some sort of action to get people to open up their wallets and give you their money. I think the act of pushing a “like” button is about as minor as patting the head of a Jizou statue. No matter how much something gets posted on the web, when it comes to which ebooks are selling, it’s always “One Piece” or “Shingeki no Kyojin” or “Dungeon Meshi.” Twitter has nothing to do with it. I think tweets are like dust or pollen. The lighter the dust is, the further it can fly, but nobody is going to remember what was flitting around last year.

I think that something a person will pay for might need to have a certain kind of weight to it. I believe that it’s not about likes or retweets, but rather that it’s important the person who put down the money for it feels like they bought something worthwhile and will want to buy it again.

The reason why books aren’t selling has nothing to do with people reading less manga, pirate manga sites, the internet, the end of paper publishers, or ebooks.

The people who determine that lightness or weight are supposed to be the professional editors, but are you saying that’s not really the case anymore?

Yoshida:

I think so. There’s this negative current of completely trusting in fabricated numbers the worse that books sell. There’s been some recent news about how “comico” has been driving down the price they’re paying for manuscripts (though “comico” denies that to be true) and that manga tankoubon sales are half of what they used to be in the heyday of manga.  

I think the two are connected. Around 2013, IT enterprises like “comico,” “LINE manga,” “GAMMA,” “Mangabox,” etc., came into the manga marketplace with ample amounts of funding. But fast forward 4 years, and I don’t think they’ve made much money. As for why, it’s because they’re using a business model where they depend on selling paper tankoubon to make money. If they could come up with a single “Shingeki no Kyojin,” then they could make it all back, but it’s not going well. Why isn’t it going well? Because tankoubon aren’t selling. And why is that? I think it’s because the number of publications have increased too much.

IT companies enter the market, comics increase, as if in opposition to this, the publishing companies make their own manga sites and applications and create even more content, they cut down on the page count to increase the numbers of volumes, and the result of that now is that the comic corner at bookstores are in complete disorder. I think it’s too much of a pain for readers to choose, so they just don’t buy manga anymore.

It’s like when a non-native creature is introduced to a pond and it ruins the ecosystem. The water gets muddy and people don’t want to approach it. They don’t know what’s interesting anymore. There are even too many books that recommend manga like “Kono Manga ga Sugoi,” “Manga Taishou,” or “Kono Manga wo Yome.”

In my opinion, the reason why books aren’t selling has nothing to do with people reading less manga, pirate manga sites, the internet, the end of paper publishers, or ebooks.

Mangaka are drawing manga that suit their editors, editors are trying to proceed with projects that suit the editor-in-chief, and IT companies are trying to hit it big on a single jackpot manga. This is the natural result of nobody paying attention to the reader.

If the market goes back to being healthy, I think that manga will start to sell again. It’s not like you can drain all the water out of the pond though, so it’s pretty tough. I don’t think you can expect much from paper tankoubon until the water is clean again. The ones that have it the worse here are the people running the bookstores. But I believe that the ones that do a good job of selecting what they carry will be able to survive.

Right now, I have the good luck of being able to just focus on the reader and draw my manga. There’s no greater joy than that.

(My Own) Commentary:

At https://note.mu/shuho_sato/n/n657d9e19f18f, there are some additional notes on this article written in a blog post by Shuuhou Satou. If you’re familiar with some of the details of Shuuhou Satou and Yoshida Takashi, then the interview would’ve come off as maybe slightly disingenuous. The mangaka that Yoshida Takashi was an assistant to was Shuuhou Satou, and Shuuhou Satou runs “Manga on Web.” Shuuhou Satou is a very vocal person about these issues (publisher vs creator rights, digital publications, etc.) and even manages a consulting service for mangaka contracts as well as a ebook distribution consulting service (Densho Bato.) In the blog post Shuuhou Satou confirms that the interview was meant to help a bit with the sales promotion and that Yoshida Takashi did go through his service with his ebook. He talks a bit about the perceived success of the article in boosting its position on Kindle’s comic ranking, but there are some more interesting points that he makes. One of them is that he made sure to not include his own name in the interview (though he was the one who authored and conducted it.) For anyone not familiar with the history, it probably doesn’t make a difference, but if you do know who he is, then it comes off as a bit underhanded. I think a lot of the things Shuuhou says are interesting, even if I don’t particularly think his comics are. Not putting that out there upfront for the reader when the interview is going to touch on the issues he’s known for getting into just makes Yoshida seem more like a parrot than his own person. It should be noted that Shuuhou and the people that he represents are really among the most successful in terms of making money off digital distribution, but Shuuhou is also pouring tons of money back into marketing and promotion.

Also, some of the numbers that they mention people talking about always strike me as a little humorous. At the moment I’m writing this, Yoshida has about 7,000 followers on twitter, and Shuuhou has about 10,000. Most of the retweets for the interview come from someone else’s account. Many of the authors that I enjoy reading and follow have lower numbers or no twitter account at all. That makes the editor’s comment about getting an author’s follower count to 30,000 pretty funny. In context, with the “data” that was getting mentioned, you’d move 3,000 units at best, which is close to the minimum of what you’d want to make profitability feasible on a tank’s print run.

Regarding the comments Yoshida makes about the marketplace currently, I do think there’s a lot of shit in the water, but I also think it’s worth mentioning that this shakeup also allowed for the existence and development of manga sites like Torch (Leed) and Mavo. I never would’ve expected the publisher that puts out Comic Ran, a magazine that is basically all samurai comics, to be behind something as forward-thinking as Torch. Shuuhou’s own Manga on Web is also one that was built in the muddied environment, though Manga on Web has been running in the red just like all of those other IT based sites. It’s not as though editors at paper publishers were making amazing decisions all the time prior to this marketplace flooding either. They may not have been looking at follower counts, but they definitely were stressing sales numbers, and a lot of them went with veterans that drew crap that sold rather than developing and fostering younger authors. At least in this environment, younger authors have some places online to put work up when niche magazines are getting shuttered, even if they’re all working side jobs at the same time. For the general consumer, it may be too confusing to choose, but for someone who will invest their time into finding works they want to read themselves, it’s not the chaotic environment he makes it out to be.

As for “Yaretakamo Iinkai,” you can actually read some of it in English “officially” on pixiv at https://www.pixiv.net/user/3130738/series/22797. My personal opinion of it is that… I’d rather read this than Shuuhou’s comics :T

[aloneandunreal]

october 8, 20

oh wow, i haven’t posted in here in AWHILE. i know i said i’d post after i started school or whatever, but i forgot and got busy and i guess didn’t have the time to really write anything. but i think i want to kind of... talk about something now i guess? just to get it out. obviously i could talk to my friends or rant on the internet, but i don’t know, i just feel like i’m probably being dramatic and annoying. plus all of this took place in the past, so why am i still so pressed about it? but before i get into that, i guess i’ll speak a bit about how school is going and my insecurities (as usual).

welp, school started and it’s interesting to say the least, especially considering it’s online. i’ve gotten used to it, but getting called on in class is always really awkward and so are the damn breakout rooms... god, my heart sinks when i have to do that stuff. the other day in my english class i had to present a video i made about myself to the class and man, that was so nervewracking. in my head it felt like a life or death situation. speaking of english, it’s been kind of... tough i guess? i mean, not really, i just don’t know how to feel about the teacher. honestly none of my teachers have stuck out and i haven’t stuck out to them (i never do). i’m taking my first AP class, AP psych which has made me insecure. i’ve wanted to major in this since last year but had never taken classes because i had decided too late. anyway, i just found it interesting. so, i decided to take the classes this year, to see if this is really what i wanted to major in for college. it is interesting, yes, but i also feel kind of dumb in the class. it’s a big fast-paced (as expected for AP) but i just feel like i’m not retaining any of the information. my teacher teaches us like 50 new vocab words every day and it’s just... ugh. especially when he gives out quizzes (that i get mixed scores on... usually B’s or C’s). whenever i get a “bad” grade, i get really upset about it because this is what i want to major in! how the hell am i going to major in this subject if i can’t even have a good grade in the class or on assignments? sometimes i think i know what’s going on, but then the quizzes come along and it’s just...ugh. it makes me feel real bad, that’s all. i feel too dumb for this major. i wish i hadn’t decided so late what i wanted to do. and i had such high hopes for it, i wanted to get my phd and everything... yet have a B in a high school psych class. most of it is memorization, okay, but i’m TERRIBLE at memorization type things. i’m trying really hard in this class and i don’t know if it’s paying off or not. i still find it interesting and am still going to pick it as my major, but this AP class is just making me wonder, what if i’m not good at this at all? but at the same time i don’t want to pick something else to major in.... first of all i don’t even KNOW what i’d major in! there’s no second option! anyway, yeah, i’m just really insecure and sad about it. my grade in the class fluctuates a lot, but normally it’s a high B. which isn’t a bad grade per-se, but at the same time, how am i gonna major in this if i have a B? that means i’m not that good at it, right? i don’t even know. sometimes i wonder if it’s because of this situation (online learning) and/or my teacher’s style of teaching but honestly i’m just going to blame it on myself. i don’t know if i’m smart enough for it. but after all of this talk about majoring in psych, getting a phd, etc, i don’t want to throw that all away now. as i said, i still want to major in it, and of course find it interesting. the only question is: am i good enough??

other than that, my classes have been fine. i’m taking french 3 honors which has been... ok. it’s a little nerve-wracking because she makes us talk in french a lot and the class is kinda confusing but i think i’ll be ok. she’s a new-ish teacher, replacing my old french teacher who moved a couple years ago, and she seems nice but i don’t know if she’s the best teacher. everyone else in the class seems confused too so... i definitely don’t think it’s just me. then i’m taking sociology which is really interesting and i like the teacher - probably one of my favorites - though i kind of have something against her now because she’s forcing us to speak in class now FOR A GRADE. hopefully she changes her mind. then i have probability and statistics which has been ok so far. my teacher is really nice and the stuff we’ve been doing has been alright so far. a bit hard, but not insanely hard. 

anyway, that’s how my senior year is going. not the worst, but not the best either. i wonder what things would be like if everything was normal... it’d be way different. it’s weird how i’m starting to forget how things used to be. this quarantine stuff used to be weird, but now it’s turning into the norm, whereas my “old” life before all of this is starting to become distant. i don’t know how to feel about that. i’ve talked about this in previous entries but i still want to live that indie-film teen dream... it’s not happening, though, even after all of these years i’ve been in HS. definitely won’t happen this year with all that’s gone on. but aside from that, i’ve been definitely stressed about college and all of that stuff. i’m really anxious to go and don’t know what to expect. well, first of all i need to get INTO schools which is a whole other thing. i’m working on it, but it’s really overwhelming (the common app). i really wish i could have finished my junior year and things were normal, because then all this college stuff would be done (or at least most of it). i still need to do my SAT - which first of all i probably won’t even include in my application to schools because it’s optional, but my mom still wants me to take it. other than all of this crazy “applying to schools” stuff, i also am of course insanely nervous about college. i’ve probably talked about this in previous entries, but i guess i’ll mention it again. i’m not AS worried about the academic stuff (well, still am) but not as much as the SOCIAL stuff. i’m HORRIBLE at socializing, and it makes me SO anxious. i can’t do normal people things, so how the hell am i going to go to college? let alone if i will even be GOING.. who knows what corona will be like around this time next september. ugh. it’s just really stressful all of this college stuff..... i don’t know if i’m ready, but at the same time i WANT to go. i don’t even know. 

anyway, that’s all that’s going on with school right now. i’ve had some really, really bad days the past couple of weeks which hasn’t happened in AWHILE. obviously i have bad thoughts, but lately it’s just been real bad. i’m okay now, though. 

this is already long enough, but now i’m going to finally talk about what i originally came onto tumblr for. as i’ve said, there’s likely no one reading this, and this is just for ME to read in the future. ok, anyway, yadda yadda, here we go on another big rant (what’s new).

i became friends with this girl... we’ll call her angel, in 6th grade i guess. we didn’t really become “friends” until 7th grade but 6th grade was when we met. she was a bit of a weirdo, and was particularly obsessed with this one girl who obviously found this creepy. angel would always obsess over this girl, calling her so pretty, always wanting to be with her etc etc. angel and i were kind-of friends i guess, as well as with my best friend at the time. an average friendship. 

seventh grade was where things really picked up, i guess. i don’t exactly remember when; but it was probably because we had a lot of classes together. i don’t exactly remember when we started talking, but we did. she was a bit weird but i was just happy to have a friend at the time, i was feeling very lonely and unwanted. she had been dealing with mental health issues a lot and it was obvious because she told me. even in 6th grade i remember she’d wear a huge hoodie on the hottest of days to hide her self-harm. anyway, she was really not doing well. i remember one day she said she saw this post online that said to draw different colors on your wrist to show what you struggled with or whatever (eating disorder, depression, etc) and she put the colors for almost all of them. she glorified mental illness a lot and it was obvious. we were in 7th grade, though, so i don’t really hold that against her because i likely was doing the same thing. what i don’t condone (at least now) is the other things she did. 

first, it started off a little creepy but nothing that totally freaked me out. she’d call me pretty all the time, tell me she wanted to look like me, be as thin as me (keep in mind i thought i was fat and definitely was on the verge of an ED as well, if i didn’t already have one), have the same hair as me, etc. it was nice getting that attention since i was so insecure, but then all of a sudden she’d begin to insult me. “your nose is big”, “your chin is long” and she’d also roughly  touch me; pinch my cheeks hard and would touch the “fat” on my body to i guess make me feel bad? to make herself feel better? it was of course a jealousy thing. anyway, this made me feel real bad about myself since i already was dealing with insecurities. but then she’d go right back and start complimenting me again. it depended on the day i suppose. i don’t know if this really happened since i blocked this out of my mind, but i remember she pinched me so hard she left marks. she’d play it off as a joke and i’d just let her. 

angel joined me and my best friend at the time at recess sometimes, and she’d also call my friend “skinny” and “so pretty” and how she could be a model. basically the same stuff she told me. my friend wasn’t as bothered by it. anywho, angel and i became better “friends”. she’d text me literally 24/7, and sometimes i’d have to lie to her to get her off my back. she’d force me to go on facetime with her for hours even if i didn’t feel like it, etc etc. i stayed friends with her because i was lonely and “she wasn’t always bad!” i’d think to myself. my parents didn’t really like her and when they found out she self-harmed, they really did not want me being friends with her. my dad called her a “slicer”. i know he didn’t mean any harm, and was only looking out for me, hoping i didn’t do the same thing, but it still made me angry. angel was my friend. still, i listened to my parents and began ignoring angel; it was the only way i could get her to stay away. or at least that’s what i thought. she would harrass me all the time, begging me to talk to her again. i would just not answer, or if we were at school, look at the floor and not say a word. it made me feel awful. and then something happened that truly was a disgusting thing to do. she came over to me one day, and begged me to be her friend again. i kept my head down. then when nobody was looking, she raised her sleeves to show her scars, and said “if you keep ignoring me, i’ll cut myself”. i didn’t know what to do, so i didn’t do anything. i was terrified. i didn’t want her to do that. but she wouldn’t, right? it was just a tactic to get me back. well, i was wrong. i remember she came back the next day and showed me her fresh wounds and i felt awful. it was all my fault that she did that. so, i began talking to her again. i guess because i didn’t want her to do that again. looking back, that’s horrendous and disgusting. but i was naive. always was. 

so angel and i were friends again i guess. she hogged me from my other friends, but thankfully i’d push back a little bit and hang with my other friends. there were other smaller instances, but things that still impact me, such as when she told me i had a big nose and a long chin. yep, now those two things are huge insecurities of mine. not blaming it on her, of course not, but it was definitely a factor. 

as i mentioned, i was really not happy with my body and myself. i hated my body. thought i was so fat, at 108 pounds. so i’d starve myself at lunch. it was the only time i could successfully do it. angel saw me doing this one day, and got really upset with me for whatever reason (even though she had an eating disorder as well). i never understood why she did/said this, but she told me that if i kept on doing this, she was going to tell the guidance counselor (that i was starving myself). this freaked me out, because i didn’t want my parents to know. i kept doing it, praying that she’d forget, which she did. 

there was another time when we were walking in the hall one time, and i mentioned that i was in an enriched english class. now, keep in mind, i’ve been called dumb and looked down upon my whole life. so this wasn’t anything new. still hurt, though. anyway, basically i told her i was in an enriched class and she looked at me like i was crazy, “no you’re not” she said and laughed, “prove it” i got really flustered, because i WASN’T lying. so i proved it to her by asking the teacher if i was in her enriched class to which she confusingly said yes to. angel was surprised i guess. these small instances still make me feel bad about myself to this day. something so small can truly impact you.

other than that, i can’t remember much. i blocked a lot of it out except for those things. i shoved it in the back of mind, telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. for years. after seventh grade we drifted apart but were still mutuals. and still are to this day. i don’t have anything against her.. i guess not. but she truly was a terrible person, and i pray to god she’s changed. of course she wasn’t in the right mindset, but that doesn’t excuse her doing those god awful things to me (and other people as well). i never realized in 6th grade that, like the girl she was obsessed with then, i would be the new obsession. a lot of it adds up now, the way she’d compliment me and then put me down. all jealous, manipualtive things. she was of course a weirdo to everyone, but i was friends with her because i was naive and nice and alone. i think she has friends now, and nobody thinks she’s as weird as they used to. i don’t really know what’s up with her now. i don’t hold anything against her... but should i? i don’t even know. anyway, the only reason i’m speaking about this is because i needed to get it out for once. but i felt too uncomfortable telling a friend. plus, i feel like i’d just be dramatic and should just get over it - this was five years ago. i don’t know if i ever will, though. i just can’t help but think about the things she did and how i would STILL so easily fall for something like that again. which is sad after all of the toxic friendships i’ve had throughout the years. 

either way, that’s the end of angel. there’s probably things i could speak about concerning her, but i either forget or just don’t think it’s worth mentioning. we were twelve and thirteen, and i still wonder if i’m just being dramatic. we were just kids. she didn’t know what she was doing. but did she? either way, angel was sick in the head. she probably forgets all of this, or blocks it out of her mind, maybe even makes it seem like she’s the victim. i don’t know. i just wanted to get that out.

of course throughout the years there’s been a bunch of toxic friendships i’ve been apart of, or just people who have taken advantage of me. but that would make this terribly long. and it already IS terribly long. 

but, i am now thinking, why do i glorify seventh grade so much? i always miss it so much, but once i truly think about it, it was an awful year. my anxiety was insanely bad, i was starving myself, i hardly had friends, my “best friend” was toxic (and of course i stayed with her), was getting groomed that summer (before & during 8th grade), was s*xually harrassed by a boy at my school (which is a whole other thing), angel was obsessed with me, etc. so i don’t know why i make it seem better than it actually was. but i still miss it, god i hate myself for that. why? why do i miss all of the terrible times in my life? i’ll never understand why. i know i sound like i’m overexaggerating, but i’m not. all of these things have happened. why would i lie? it’s not like there’s anyone else reading this. i just need to let it out somewhere, which is why i’m doing it here. some day i want to speak about the boy in 7th grade who s*xually harrassed me, but it definitely makes me very uncomfortable and ashamed. i’m going to need to let it out some day, though. i’ve never told anyone except for my mother, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. boys will be boys, right? it was five years ago, anyway. but i’ll speak of that in another entry (perhaps). i know nobody is reading this but i hope, if anyone does, they don’t think this is an attention thing. everything i write here is true. it’s for me, but of course i’m posting it online in public so anyone can see it. 

so, anyway, i suppose i’ll end it here. that’s all about angel and about what’s going on currently in my life. i don’t know when i’ll write next, but goodbye for now. i hope things get a bit better; with the world, with myself. so, future ava, if you’re reading this, are things better now?

[thecamelmaster]

Fictober Day 1 - “No, come back!”

The wind pushed against my long brunette head of hair as the locks draped down from my scalp and brushed against my arm. I bit at my nails while contemplating my options. There were two choices, two different paths to choose from. And I was expected to know which road to follow by Saturday, twelve pm. Elizabeth had invited me to lunch with her family. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared, or what I would even say.

She came out to her parents as lesbian about 3 months after I did in February. Her parents didn’t handle it very well. For a while, they kept trying to convince her it was going to go away. They sent her to a bible camp hoping surrounding her with other straight, cis females, and the thought that being gay was a sin constantly lurking around every corner would make her think otherwise about herself. But it didn’t. She knew, and I knew.

Ever since I had come out we were always there for each other. I came to her with advice about how to tell her parents the “correct” way- it didn’t seem to help but that’s beyond the point. The point is we really liked each other. Whenever I went to bed I couldn’t stop picturing her smile. I couldn’t stop hearing her laugh in my head. I never thought she could ever understand what I was feelings until just 2 weeks ago when she said she was feeling the same things about me. She told me all the dreams she had of me. All the pictures she doodled of me. How whenever she found herself alone all she could think about doing was texting me.

As I was thinking back upon all these instances my fear dripped off of me ever so slightly. Hope’s hand touched mine and pulled me into her arms. I embraced her, not knowing how long this confidence would last.

----------Saturday----------

Elizabeth and I had been texting all night until I couldn’t bare to keep my eyes open. She knew I was nervous but I didn’t express the intensity of the anxiety that was weighing on me.

That morning I tried on multiple different outfits until deciding on a pair of slightly ripped jeans and a green turtleneck sweater that I tucked into my pants. I put on a pair of homemade moon-shaped earrings and styled my hair into two long braids. I said goodbye to my mom, giving her a pill from her medicine bottle and reminding her to take it at 1 since I wasn’t sure if I’d be back by then. I walked out to the garage, grabbed the keys of my car and drove to Elizabeths house

-------------------------

As soon as I arrived at Elizabeth’s place I felt my heart skip a beat. My hands shook as I took them off the steering wheel and saw marks of sweat. I rubbed my slightly damp hands on my pants, gathered my strength and my bag, and knocked on her door.

Elizabeth’s father opened the door and invited me in with a big grin on his face. “How are you, Mia?” He asked politely

I looked at the ground as to not show him I was nervous and replied, “I’ve been good. School is a little stressful but I’m keeping up my grades since me and Elizabeth have been doing all that studying together.”

All that studying together was really just a way for me and Elizabeth to hang out together without her strict parents knowing. “How are you and the Mrs.?” i asked as to not draw attention to me twiddling my thumbs as I did every time I lied

“We’re good, just trying not to-” He was interrupted by the click clack of heels. You could hear the sound vibrate through the house as Elizabeth, my beautiful Elizabeth entered the room. I knew right then.

I could taste her breath from many feet apart because I had been so used to it being there. I wanted to hold her an never let go. I couldn’t bare the space between us. I managed to hold back my emotions. I blurted out, “You look so gorgeous” without hesitation. I wanted to leap into her arms, but I couldn’t. It felt as if my soul was breaking. Even though we were moments apart I couldn’t help but feel alone. And this is why I had to tell them. This is why this lunch was the most important thing to me at this moment.

Me and Elizabeth had made a plan, but I couldn’t remember a single detail. I waited for her mother to come into the room and immediately stated, “I have something I would like to say. Mr. and Mrs. Crimson, I am in love with your daugh-”

I did not look at Elizabeth’s parents. I stared directly into her eyes. All at once the air I was breathing was gone. The thoughts I had been thinking had vanished. My voice went silent and everyone stared at me as I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I had ruined it all. Everything.

I heard Elizabeth’s heels clacking against the floor again as she rushed to the front porch, and eventually the street. I cleaned up my face and ran after her. Hoping that, even though she was experienced with running in heels, her shoes might slow her down a bit. With my 2 years of soccer from 6th and 7th grade I gathered my strength and ran as fast as I could after her. When I thought she had finally lost me, I heard her weeping in the distance.

I screamed, “No, come back!” But she did not hear me. Neither did she ever understand what happened, or the thoughts that had gone through my brain the moment before it all went wrong.