#When i was 16 and I wanted to try out for the cross country team at school

[starsnhiseyes]

Anyway I decided to start running

[sweetteainthesummerx]

THE LOVE LASTS SO LONG (16)

In which the burn bursts into flames

series masterlist

This is the finale! imma keep doing blurbs tho, let me know if u have any requests for one shots :)

★・・・・★・・・・ ★・・・・★

ollieupdates

ollieupdates OLLIE BEARMAN MAIDEN WIN, CANADA GRAND PRIX.

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olliebearheart YES YES YES IN AUBREYS HOME COUNTRY TOO

user1 he works so hard GOOD JOB BEARMAN

user2 well deserved, incredible race

aubreyfanpage1 LOOK AT MOM IN THE LIKES WOOOOO

olliebearman posted

olliebearman FIRST WIN LET'S GO!

Huge thank you to the team and the fans who have been along with me for this crazy ride. Getting to race and do something I love everyday is an honour. Here's to many more wins! 🏆🥂

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aubreyyang so incredibly proud of you! all of your hard work and talent finally paid off, can't wait to see you conquer the f1 world even more in the future ❤️

-- olliebearman ❤️

--user1 IM GASPING FOR AIR RN THIS IS SOFT LAUNCHING EJIREJ

charles_leclerc LETS GO TECHNICALLY STILL A LECLERC WIN LOOK AT MY SON

-- user2 AJREJRG FERRARIS ROYAL FAMILY FR

kimiantonelli well done mate :) party hard

oscarpiastri congrats bro 👊

-- user3 HIM NOT REPLYING TO ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT HIS GIRL BAHAHA

maxverstappen good job, loved sharing a podium with you

f1olliebearman posted

clip one: ollie crosses the line, only seconds before max. The garage is screaming with excitement, and the camera pans to Aubrey and David, the girl clutching the older man's elbow as they are both sobbing with happy tears.

clip two: Ollie, soaked with champagne and sweat runs up to his dad and Aubrey. She lets him hug David first, the older man kissing his face and head, wrapping his arms around his son. Aubrey stands back, still silently crying and laughing. An engineer rubs her back and she laughs. Ollie turns to her, running the small distance and pulling her off her feet into a hug. She's got her arms around his neck, and he's holding her up by her waist. She whispers something in his ear, and he presses his face into her neck. He sets her down, although he keeps her in his embrace. He has to bend a little to keep their position, and she peppers the side of his face with kisses. Someone hands him his water, and she has to push him gently off so he can hydrate. He keeps a finger tucked in the loop of her miniskirt as he thanks the person.

f1olliebearman Aubrey and ollie after the race

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user1 NAHH THEYRE DEF IN LOVE JUST WAITING FOR THE HARD LAUNCH ATP

landogirlyee stop this is the height difference we all deserve

user2 HER LETTING HIM HUG DAVID FIRST??? THE WAY HE LIFTED HER UP?? ‼️

-- loverboysf1 THE WAY HE DIDNT WANT TO LET GO?? BRB GONNA GO KMS ‼️

user3 when is it my turn to be a dainty girl with her large tall bf

-- user4 bro wtf go touch some grass pls 😭

Aubrey shifted, shimmying the bottom of her dress down a little. They were out celebrating his win, and she was taking a breather from all the dancing Alexandra was making her do. Ollie was a little ways off with Lewis and Charles, in a heated discussion about presumably the race. She smiled as she watched him, all pale skin and flushed cheeks. His win, his maiden win, and she was here to witness it. Even if she wasn't in love with him, it was undeniable; Ollie Bearman, the dazzling starlet was the future of the industry.

"Hey, you look lonely." A blonde man joined her where she stood by the bar.

"Oh, I'm okay. Just taking a second." she smiled politely.

"You're an actress, right? I'm Logan. I drive for Williams?" he smiled, and if she wasn't completely taken by Ollie, she would've melted. He looked a bit like her ex, all sandy blonde and muscular and american.

"Yeah. I'm Aubrey." she shook his extended hand, trying to extract it, but he held on.

"I love your work," he grinned, and she weakly backed away.

"Look, you seem really sweet, Logan, but I-"

"Aubrey." A warm, familiar hand landed on her waist, a tether back to reality.

"Hey, winner." she murmured softly at his clenched jaw and dark eyes.

Ollie never got like this, not with her ex, not with the men who catcalled her in the streets. But it was...

Okay, fine, it was kinda hot. Extremely.

Logan's puppy dog eyes widened a fraction with realization.

"Oh. Oh. Oh!" he backed off, patting Ollie's arm, "Sorry, mate."

He departed quickly, and the grimace on Ollie's face stayed.

"Why the long face?" she hummed, stroking his cheek. He held her hand to his face, the moment intimate amidst the bustle of the bar.

"Barely got to see you all night," he drew her closer, "and you look so beautiful."

"That's okay, babe. Enjoy tonight. You have all the time in the world to tell me how pretty I look."

He had an odd look on his face; it was one she wasn't sure how to read.

"Let's go back to hotel." he whispered in her ear.

"What?" she asked, "It's barely midnight!"

"I don't want to be anywhere but with you. And right now, I think we need some privacy."

He led her through the crowd, and smiled politely when people aww'd at the fact he was leaving. Alex kissed her cheek with a knowing look, and Aubrey accepted a quick hug from Charles and Max.

The car ride over in the back of the taxi was silent, tension brewing between them. She was sober enough to stay quiet, but tipsy enough to slide her hand in his larger one.

She felt relieved when his calloused fingers curled around hers.

He led her into the elevator, a heavy, thinking look on his handsome face.

"I wasn't...I didn't want him to flirt with me, y'know." she told him, avoiding eye contact. It was funny, since their hands were still intertwined.

One second she was lifting her head to look at him, the next Ollie had her pinned against the elevator wall.

His nose bumped against hers as he inhaled, and exhaled into her mouth. She didn't know if she was dizzy from the rising height of the elevator or simply him.

He pressed his lips to hers, and she gasped in surprise.

His mouth was warm and smooth, his tongue asking for entrance at the seam of her lips.

He licked into her mouth, and she let out a whine, fingers grasping desperately at his arms.

He pulled back, groaning.

"I'm sorry, we should talk. But you just looked..." he trailed off, swollen lips mouthing at the sensitive skin of her neck, nipping and sucking a little track on her skin.

"Oh-" she started, hands dragging to his chest. She knew she sounded desperate.

"I love you." He blurted out, "I had a stupid crush on you when I was like 14, and I met you and you're the most wonderful person I know. You're so kind, and you make me feel like a person, not just a famous driver. I know that you might not feel the same way I do, but I can treat you right. I promise, I will never hurt you, or let anyone."

His eyes, brown and earnest and oh so familiar made her heart ache. How could he think that she didn't love him just as much, or even more?

"One chance, please. I can make you happy, love. Just let me try." he nearly begged, hands winding around her waist.

"I love you." she murmured back, "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. I want to be with you forever, and I know I'm coming off way too strong-"

He cut her off with a watery laugh.

"But you've shown me what love is supposed to be. In its true form, not some half-hearted warped example. And all I can hope is that I can return that love for you. Because I really do. I don't think I've ever loved anyone like you, Ollie. You're it."

He smiled, a real, genuine smile for the first time in the past hour. Seeing him all crinkly-eyed and happy made something burst low and hot in her stomach.

She reached up and dragged him by his collar so she could taste him again, all because now she could.

When she pulled back for air, and he chased her lips. 

She giggled, and he rolled his eyes, nipping at her earlobe.

She pressed herself against him again, threading her fingers through his hair and pulling them together once more. She kissed him, this time slow and soft but both of their smiles were so big that it was more like pressing their teeth together.

"I think we missed our floor."

"That's what you're focused on right now?"

aubberieyaang posted

aubberieyaang my loverboy

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alexandrasaintmleux FINALLY HOLY

leosdad yay my kids are dating

-- bearyfast_04 please dont say it like that

celine_diorr REPLACED BY A WHITE MAN

-- aubberieyaang erm sorry babe YOULL ALWAYS BE MY #1

bearyfast_04 I love you so much

-- aubberieyaang I love you more sweet boy

-- walkdontrun OKAY EWW

-- bearyfast_04 I can get you paddock passes?

-- walkdontrun omg my step dad

bearyfast_04 posted

bearyfast_04 my pretty girl

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chililos55 congrats to you and ur gf!!

-- leosdad this time its actually real

aubberieyaang WOW YOU ARE SO HANDSOME R U SINGLE

-- bearyfast_04 no actually im taken by the prettiest, most talented, hard working kind and loving woman ever

-- celine_diorr dude she just texted me shes crying

-- aubberieyaang NO IM NOT

kimi_possible we get it ur in love

-- bearyfast_04 ur just jealous

-- kimi_possible I have a gf??

★・・・・★・・・・ ★・・・・★

Taglist: @callsignwidow @iloveyou3000morgan @honethatty12 @taygrls @destinyg237 @ilivbullyingjeongin @eiaaasamantha @1uvsptnik @yla-aira @ririyulife

© sweetteainthesummerx.tumblr. all rights reserved. unauthorized copying, translation, or claiming of my writing or any works as your own is strictly prohibited.

[xdacted]

The art of sibling hood

Paring: sister!Reader & Charles Leclerc

Warnings: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

Word Count: 3,815

Status: Complete

***Request made by reader***

Summer break offers us a sliver of peace. 

No teams are calling, no coaches screaming, no clients to take care of - there is nothing but family. For a few weeks out of the year, all we have is each other. I can’t ask for anything better. 

We all gather at our mother’s house, hiding away there with her. It’s nice, to all be under the same roof again, we haven’t been since Lorenzo first moved out. It only worsened when I decided to take my training to France. 16 years of living under one roof was gone in an instant. We had lived together our entire lives until that point. 

It was like losing a piece of myself. 

But then, after the sadness rolled away, I was filled with so much joy. To know that both Charles and Arthur were chasing their dream, to see them every weekend battling it out on the track. Though my mother refused to watch, I always did. 

But there is always more I want to know, more I want to see. I can’t help myself from asking questions. The countries they see, the people they meet - it’s a world I’ll never know. I almost got involved, my father put me in karting as a child, but it was never my passion. Not the way it was with Arthur and Charles. I found my calling in school. 

At six, I was sitting among my classmates in the gymnasium, watching as our instructor introduced the sport of fencing. He was trying to start a club, with a school as small as ours, it wasn’t very likely to happen. 

He brandished the swords, explaining the rules. My friend, Anies, had fallen asleep on my shoulder, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was transfixed, hooked. That day, I ran home, with the club papers in my hand and begged my parents.

At first, Papa was hesitant, telling me that this sport was a fighting spot - I wasn’t a ‘fighting girl’. But I pleaded, hooking my arms around his neck and staring up at him. This was my dream. Fencing was racing to me. Fencing was everything. 

What I didn’t understand was that fencing was also incredibly expensive. With two children karting and one in fencing, I remember the night I caught Mum and Papa talking it over, they couldn’t afford it. 

I was lucky enough to be given a scholarship by a fencing club, I would have the funding to chase my dream. Arthur, however, was not so lucky. I remember how he cried, screaming and howling into his pillow. He mourned the loss of his sport, but he was never angry. Just sad. 

I shake off the memories when Charles calls my name. 

“What?”

He looks at me, staring at me from his seat on the floor, arms holding his knees close to him. He and Arthur are playing some card game they explained more than once - but I have never cared to learn. Arthur glares at the cards below him, flipping them over in his hand.

He laughs, “I asked how training was going?”

“Good,” I burrow further into the couch, pulling a blanket across my shoulders, “When I go back, I have a tournament in Italy.”

“Well,” Arthur huffs, still fixed on the game, “You’re already a World Champion - Ugh! Charles, you’re cheating! This is why I hate playing with you!”

Charles throws his hands up, turning to Arthur with an indignant expression, “I am not a cheater. I am a man of honor, you just suck.”

With a curse, Arthur throws his cards down. 

He stands, “You’re a cheat and you know it.”

“You just don’t know how to lose.”

Arthur throws himself beside me, moving the pillows so he can lean against them, crossing his arms in front of him. I don’t have to hide my laughter, I let it slip from me. The laughter is easy, the tension from yesterday gone. Charles had still been insistent on apologizing, even when I told him to just drop it. 

My brother is one of the kindest people in the world. 

“What about you?” I dare to ask, offering Arthur some of my blanket, “How’s Ferrari treating you?”

I don’t need to ask because I already know. Even from across the world, every Sunday, I watch him. Every Sunday, I watch my brother get into that car and put his life on the line. And every Sunday I watch Ferrari screw him over. My teammates were getting far too tired of my outbursts. 

Charles clears his throat, looking down at the cards scattered across the floor. He sweeps them together, shuffling them, “Fine.”

“Fine?”

I’m stepping on thin ice. My brothers like to assume that when it came to racing they knew everything, but I had grown up around this. My father was a racer and now my brothers were racers - it was in my blood. I had just chosen not to pursue it. 

“Yes, fine.” He pushes himself up, standing and walking to the edge of the couch. 

“If you say so, brother,” Charles opens his mouth to speak, but the sound of the doorbell cuts him off. 

He practically leaps over the couches, nearly tripping over the carpet, to throw the door open. My mother hardly has time to scold him as she steps inside her room because cheery voices are ringing out through the house. 

“Hello!”

Lorenzo comes bounding from upstairs and Arthur rolls off the couch, kicking the blanket away from him. The three women who step inside the house bring the light of the shining sun with them. 

“Girls!” I cry, it has been so long since I’ve last seen them. 

Carla sees me first, throwing her hands in the air. She pushes past Arthur to sweep me into a hug. The position is awkward, as her body curves over the couch and I attempt to reach up to her, but I can feel her laughter vibrate within her chest. 

“Did you get in today?” Her eyes are shining and the glasses perched atop her head threaten to fall, “Why didn’t you text me?”

“I wanted to surprise you, of course!” When we pull away, Charlotte and Alexandria are right beside us. 

“We need to get breakfast while you’re here,” Charlotte says, pressing her hands together. It isn’t so much a request as it is a plan in motion. 

I just nod along. I look around, my brother’s waiting behind them with crossed arms and a less-than-pleased expression. 

“What?”

“They’re supposed to be here to see us.”

“No,” Charlotte says, wrapping her arms around me, “We’re here for her and of course - Pascale.”

“Hello, dear,” Mum says, Carla placing welcoming kisses on her cheeks. 

I turn to my left, Alex having taken a seat in the open space that Arthur left. 

“Hey,” I whisper, pulling her close. 

“Hi,” She whispers back. 

There’s something different. I can tell when she hugs me, pressing a kiss on my cheek. When we pull away, there’s a glow to her skin and a twinkle in her eyes. 

“Is there -?” 

Charles is draped across her in a second, gentle hands on her shoulders, “She is my girlfriend. Please, do not be selfish.”

Alex only rolls her eyes and I can’t help but follow. 

What a drama queen. 

__________

I watch Charles and Alex as Mum bustles around the kitchen. It’s little, but something is different. I can feel it. Something about the way Charles has an arm curled around her waist or the way she clings to his arm. They keep eyeing the rest of us, Alex turning around to whisper in his ear. 

Hm. How strange. 

Alex was quite shy, this much became evident when I first met her, but she was by no means afraid of the family. Just a few weeks earlier she had come to visit me in France, we spent the day together and had been texting each other constantly. 

What could it be?

I met her eyes and she sharply turned away from me. 

A secret then. 

Papa liked to say that I inherited Mum’s gift for reading people, especially my brothers. Even when we’re separated by seas, I know when something’s bothering them. I know when something is wrong. 

But this - this was different. 

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. 

But, my mind can help but wonder, what if - no. Could it be?

“Arthur.”

He hardly looks up from his phone, “Hm?”

“Wanna make a bet?”

“What kind of bet?” He asks, still scrolling. 

I lean in closer, “I think Alex is pregnant.”

Arthur nearly drops his phone. He whips his head over to look at me, mouth agape, “What?!”

“Sh!” I smack his arm, he is going to give us away, “You’re so loud…”

“Why do you think she’s pregnant?” He whisper-shouts, “That’s crazy. Charles would’ve told us.”

“Maybe he’s going to tell us tonight,” I shrug, pulling away from him. 

“Are you in or out?” I crossed my legs, my gut feelings were always strong. I’d guessed many things over the years and felt a change within the people around me before they told me. I’d known Charles got signed to Ferrari before he told us, or that Arthur was going to be moved to F2, or that Lorenzo had met someone new - all of these things, I’d felt. All of these things I guessed. 

Maybe I was a bit psychic. 

“You’re on,” He stuck his hand out, “€10?”

I scoffed, “That’s nothing - €100.”

“You could be wrong.”

“I could be right,” I looked down at his waiting hand. 

“€50?”

I slapped my hand in his, “€50 it is!”

“You’re going down,” He whispered, squeezing my hand. I kick at his shin.

“Ow!”

“That’s what you get, dumbass.”

“LANGUAGE!”

__________

Dinner is an easy affair. The time ticks by slowly, but none of us mind. Warm and laughter fill the house, everyone staying at the table after the food has long been eaten. Stories are tossed around and jokes float about, it's peaceful. 

A peace that’s so very addicting. 

Here, I can forget that I have to leave in only a few days. I can tell that the boys forget too, throwing themselves over Mum and the table. Arthur laughs so hard that he snorts and Lorenzo’s jokes have Charles reduced to tears - it’s all so nostalgic. 

As we eat, I can see Charles and Alex glance at each other, watching as he scoops her hand in his. She whispers something in his ear and he nods. 

Before I know it, they are both standing. 

“I,” He clears his throat, “I have something to say - well, we do, actually...”

“Well,” Alex begins, a bright smile pulling over her face, “Charles and I are expecting a - a child.”

The table erupts into cheers and exclamations. Mum drops her head into her hands, and before we can rush over, she looks up with tears in her eyes and a dazzling smile on her lips. We stand to offer them hugs and kisses, pats, and words of encouragement. 

“I told you!” I cry. 

Arthur lets out a loud groan, pushing his face into his hands, “Why?”

Confusion is written across their face and I can only laugh

I hold out a waiting hand.

With another groan and a roll of his eyes, he shoves his hand into his pockets, pulling out the €50 I’m owed. The bill is crunched and he drops it into my palm with little fanfare. 

“This is so unfair,” Arthur throws his arms around my shoulders, “How could you have possibly known?”

“I just do,” I shrug, looking up at him with a smile, “I’m just that good.”

“I knew it,” Carla giggles, “You are a psychic.”

I lock eyes with Mum over the table, she flashes me a smile.

“Of course,” I say, “I learned from the very best.”

__________

The ocean calls our name, the lull of the tides and the crashing of the waves. Such a beautiful song and we can do nothing but dance to it. With the sun shining down on our backs, we pile into Charles’s boat, clinging to the railing as we push away from the dock. The salt of the air tangles in my hair, and gentle winds give us a beautiful day. The weather was perfect, the sea was calm. What more could we ever ask for?

We spend the day lounging about the boat, pushing and shoving each other in the water. I manage to convince Charles to let me take the smaller boat out for a spin, with Carla clinging to the seats, and Charolette cheering us on from the deck above. I can’t help but dissolve into laughter at his face, twisted with worry. 

The water is cool against our heated skin, it invites us in for more. The longer we stay, the more we forget about the world that surrounds us. It is nearly enough to make me forget about my flight in only a few days. I will have to leave and this will all become a memory. 

But what a beautiful memory it will be. 

I can’t dwell on my thoughts, because Charlotte demands that we all jump. There is little fanfare for Charles and Lorenzo as they practically wrestle to the sea below. Arthur grips my hand as we jump, throwing ourselves into the Moncao air, caught by the arms of the sea. 

It is perfect. It is home. 

When the sun begins to dip in the sky, my mother draws herself up from the couch and claims that dinner will not ready itself. The others agree and begin to shuffle off but Carla and I are the last to get back from the boat. Though Charles has always held the title of ‘captain’, I have always maintained that the sea is but a little requirement for boating. We stayed behind to just lounge about in the sun, only coming back to the house when she got a frantic call from Arthur, telling her to come back. 

“What’s…” The words die in our throats when we see Alex huddled in the corner, sobbing into her hands. Charlotte stands over her, rubbing a reassuring hand over her back, whispering something into her ear. 

Before we can say another word, Arthur and Lorenzo interrupt us. He pulls us into a corner of the house, wiping his hands on his shorts. His eyes dart around the room, lip caught between his teeth. 

“What happened?” Carla demands. 

“It - it was the press,” Arthur manages, “They got pictures from earlier, on the boat.”

I need to hear little else. I dig my phone from my bag.

Finding the photo doesn’t take much work. It’s there as soon as I open Twitter, Alexandria and Charles standing on the balcony of the boat. Her hands on her stomach, nothing there to show - not yet - but the implication is enough for the media to run with. 

I can hardly breathe. 

Anger coils tight within me. 

Fucking vultures. 

Carla gasps from beside me, pressing a hand to her mouth. The headlines make my stomach turn. Far too atrocious to look at, I shove my phone back into my bag. Carla is quick to slip from beside me, rushing over to the couch, and dropping to her knees beside Alex. 

Haven’t they gone through enough? Have people not thrown Alex into the fire already? Had they not already ripped her apart? I remember the articles and the tweets when their relationship went public, the look of sadness on her face. People hated her simply because she loved Charles. How they got together and why they got together was no one’s business but their own. 

“Where -” I cut myself off, dropping my voice lower, “Where’s Charles?”

For a moment, Lorenzo doesn’t answer me, phone in hand. I can’t tell who’s calling, but the grave look on his face is all I need to know. He shakes his head, dragging a hand through his hair. 

“He’s outside,” He whispers, sparing a look over at Alex, “He stormed out and won’t come back in.”

“Of course! He’s upset!” I hiss, this was private. This was personal. The media has taken that away from him. 

Lorenzo holds his hands up, “I’m not saying he shouldn’t be - I’m not saying that I’m not,” He sighs, “But this is more - this is more than just…”

He looks away, rubbing a hand over his face, “He can’t run from this now.” 

I turn away from Lorenzo and the tears begin to gather in my eyes before I can gather the courage to force them back. I wrap my arms around myself, afraid that I might throw something across the room. 

This wasn’t right. 

Summer is our time. 

There is never any anger, never any sadness. That’s the world that waits beyond the walls of our home, that is the world we leave behind. We shut it all out because summer break is just us. I don’t realize that I’ve begun to dig my fingers into the flesh of my arm until Arthur yanks my hands away. 

He doesn’t say anything, just squeezing my hands in his. I can’t look at him, but I feel his gaze on me. When he releases me, my hands drop back down to my sides. I suck in a large gulp of air, trying to calm the pounding of my heartbeat. 

Before I can make my way to Alex, Charlotte stops me. She holds her hand up, a sad smile on her face. 

‘We’ve got it,’ She mouths, ‘Go.’

Her eyes flicker to the terrace, doors closed tightly. I can see, in the shadows of the darkness, Charles. 

“I’ll be back,” I whisper, reaching out to squeeze Arthur’s shoulder before I walk towards the doors. 

I gently push them open, waiting for Charles to scream out that he wasn’t privacy, that he needs space, but he never does

I step through. 

Charles stands out on the balcony, hands clutching onto the terrace railing. He stares into the swaying trees of our backyard, the melting sun casting a glow around the shadow of the house. Though the wind blows, there is no twinkle of windchimes. There is no echo of laughter or memory of youth, there is nothing. The light from the entry room spills across his back, but he doesn’t turn. 

The silence is thick, sitting heavily atop the both of us. With his back turned to me, I can’t see his face. There’s a selfish part of me that never wants to. I never want to see the pain and anger on my brother’s face. I never want to watch his heart fall apart before me. He is my family, an extension of myself. 

“Why can’t they just leave us alone?” 

His voice is hardly above a whisper, nearly consumed by the distant sounds of the city, but I hear. It cuts through the silence, piercing it with ease. There is sadness in his voice and I can feel the tears burn once more. His shoulders slump forward, a heavy sigh leaving his lips. For a movement, I fear that he might collapse. 

I take a tentative step forward. 

My brother is many things. Charles is competitive and rash, he is hard-working and self-deprecating. But he is also kind and forgiving, with a smile like the sun and a laugh like the sea. He is good. Our Papa used to say that Lorenzo and I got all the anger and bite, as it never seemed that Charles could hate, to be spiteful. 

Always the first to take the blame, always the first to vouch, always the first to arrive, always the last to go. 

My brother is good. 

And the world is cruel. 

“Charles,” I whisper, he doesn’t turn.

I reach for him, my fingertips barely grazing the fabric of his shirt, “Charles.”

He finally turns, biting his lip, tears in his eyes. The words die in my throat. There is nothing I can say to fix his pain, nothing I can do to take his unhappiness away. It kills me. They may be my older brothers, but I have always been fiercely protective of them. To hurt them was to hurt me - and to hurt them was unforgivable. 

And Charles. 

Charles, who flew through the night to catch my competitions. Charles, who cheered me on, even if he knew nothing about fencing. Charles, who always had an extra Paddock Pass for me. Charles, who always let me have his last cookie or pastry. Charles, who held me when I wailed for weeks after Papa’s passing. Charles put the money he earned in Formula 1 into getting Arthur back into carting. Charles, who always called to scream ‘Happy Birthday’ in my ear. 

That Charles. 

My brother Charles, would forgive. He will see it as a mistake, he will blame himself. In only a few hours, he will make a statement and tell the truth - because that’s just who he is. 

I throw my arms open and catch him as he falls into them. 

He doesn’t cry, not at first, just clinging onto me. But then, the moment that Alex’s cries drift onto the open terrace, he begins to weep. He sobbed into my shoulder, pressing his wet face into the fabric of my shirt. He clutches my hand, and I can do nothing but hold him. 

I hold him and let him fall apart. 

From over Charle’s shoulder, I see Arthur peeking out at us. He wrings his hands, twisting his fingers around. He can’t sit still, pacing around the room, brushing Carla away when she tries to calm him. 

I gesture for him to come and he does. 

Before I can say a word, he’s wrapping his arms around Charles, burying his face into his back. 

“We’ll fix this,” He mumbles, “I - I don’t know how, but we will.”

Charles doesn’t speak, he just searches for Arthur’s hand blindly in the pile of libs and holds on. It’s all we can do. I feel like I am 15 years old, losing our father again. It feels just as it did then, unbearable. But we do just what we did then, we hold each other. Clinging onto the only people that we have known since before we knew them, the only people that will love us even when no one else does. 

The only person -

Lorenzo is there, strong arms trying to tuck us all into him. I can feel his warmth against my back and push my face into his chest. 

“We’ve got you, Charlie,” He says, “We’ve got you.”

We do. 

We always will. 

_________________________

A/N:This work has been cross-posted on Wattpad and AO3. All are under the name XDACTED. Thank you for reading and feel free to request fics about any of the drivers <3

[inncubus-honey]

fantasy c.o.d men au

a/n: a new fandom! maybe, just depends how much I write about mw2. also the nicknames are for a gn! reader, despite some being more feminine then others, but these are for a gn reader. I hope y'all like it for another fandom writing apart stray kids and now kinda redacted stuff. feedback is always appreciated. also I added references to some games with the weapon choices for the boys. hehehe.

also I hope it makes sense that the fantasy aspect is their weapons and little blurbs with you in the world; I could always expand on it in another post if y'all want to see it

c.o.d men x gn! reader

Word Count: 3.2k

price- longsword

obviously he uses a longsword. hes been on the royal guard since he was a young boy, like 13-16. his father had been part of the royal guard when he was a boy. he thought it was the coolest thing ever; protecting people and using such a great weapon really drove him to join after his fathers death in battle. but he then left the guard with gaz to help around the country as mercenaries.

you bandaged johns arm as he sat with you grumbling. an injury from training with his boys today; johnny got a little rambunctious with his duel daggers.

“fucking crazy kid…but hes slowly improving..” john grumbled as you wrapped his arm up.

“hes just excited about joining the mystical 141 mercenary group. give him some slack, Captain.” you teased back, finishing the wrapping. he scoffed at your comment and put his armor back on.

“well, hes a little too zealous at times…but i can tell he’ll be good for the team.” john stood from the med bed and re-equipped his sword to his sword. he smirked at your figure moving around and cleaning up the medical supplies.

he walked up behind you, giving a series of fluttering kisses to your neck as his arms wrapped around your waist.

“ive missed all day, love…” he whispered to you as you placed your hands atop his. he had been training with 141 while you had been seeing patients all day.

“me too, captain.” 

ghost- spymaster

the spymaster of the 141 mercenaries. john recruited ghost when he saw him stalking upon roofs around the town at night. when morning came, john found him at a pub in a dark corner as he watched everyone. when he sat down with him and got to talking, he learned that at that point he was a hitman for hire. he decided to put his skills to good use.

“simon, darling come to bed, please i miss my lover…” you looked over to his larger figure in the corner, arms crossed and staring at you from his hiding spot. a smirk graced his lips at your words when your eyes met.

“was wonderin’ when you’d notice me, sunshine…” uncrossing his arms with a small chuckle, simon made his way towards your shared bed.

“well, i was wondering when you would come by yourself, darling.” simon smirked at your comment, taking off his gear to settle in for the night. 

before you could do anything else, simon pulled you forward by the back of your legs, plopping down onto your chest. he let out a low groan as you gave a small chuckle, putting your hand in his short blonde locks.

“goodnight, darling..” a quick kiss to his forehead.

“night, sunshine..” he was out like a light.

soap- dual daggers

chaotic good of the party. will go in killing everyone crazy or be the sneakiest rogue ever and be in and out. he joined the 141 before simon; he sought out price and gaz as they were looking for recruits and went around the kingdom looking for them. he wanted to join them ever since hearing them and how they stopped the gas poisonings by general hadir, the brother of general farah who was an ally of the 141.

“dear…you are going to give me grey hairs.” soap dangled from the rope after stepping the trap as you ventured in the woods. he was fighting the rope with grunts and trying to cut with his dagger, but falling short as he would miss and fall back down.

“well whoever grunt...set the fucking trap knew what they grunt doing…” following the rope with your eyes, you found the anchor for it by a tree which led you to walk and cut it.

soap landed onto the ground with a grunt and cough as he got a bit winded by the action. with a roll of your eyes, you walked over to where soap laid and helped him up and dusted him off.

“thank you, buttercup. now lets go home, so we can spend some time alone…” he gave you a smirk as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders and yall started walking in the direction of yalls cottage. 

“mmhmm…did your ribs bruise again?” you raised an eyebrow at him as yall walked side by side.

“maybe…” he coughed out as his other arm went to support his ribs.

“absolutely, they hurt a lot…” he whined with a chuckle out of you as you shook your head and continued walking as soap whined the whole way.

gaz- rift mage

gaz met price as he was an apprentice of the royal court mage. price would eat with gaz whenever they could, price taking gaz under his wing when they left the kingdom; gazs family disowned him upon discovering he had magic. price taught him how to fight with a weapon in case he could not use his magic. over the time of their travels, gaz felt more comfortable about his natural abilities and not hiding them as much.

“come on, my little spitfire…” gaz gave a slight tug at your sleeve as you stood in the library, sorting the books with a big pout on his lips. the 141 had an off week, but you had to work some days of the week. gaz huff as you moved from shelf to shelf, following behind like a lost puppy.

“gaz, im almost done. just a few more minutes, darling..” chuckling as gaz groaned and threw his back. after finally finishing placing the last books away, you grabbed your things and found gaz asleep in a chair near the back of the shop. his head sloped down onto his chest with his arms crossed over his chest. 

holding in a chuckle, you walked over to him, gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up. 

“gaz, darling, im done lets go home…” you whispered to him, gaz slowly started to stir in the chair, stretching his arms out with a yawn and looked over at you.

“im ready and awake, spitfire, i swear-yawn” standing up with a pop in his back, gaz hooked his arm around your waist and led yall out of the bookstore back to your shared home for the rest of the afternoon. an occasional yawn escaping gazs mouth earning a small giggle from you.

alex- bardice

a bardiche is kind of pole-arm, which alex was a god at using. he picked up the pole-arm when couldnt do close combat anymore after losing his leg; he opted for long range combat afterward. he joined after price and gaz help him and general farah with hadir, he wanted to help people and bring justice like them. 

watching alex pull back the bardiche only to stab into the training dummy again and again was something you could watch all day. sitting on one of the many hay bales around the training center, you were doing your own thing by doodling alex in many poses with his pole-arm. he saw out of the corner of his eye with a smirk as you moved your pencil around the page.

“getting my good side, dearest?” he smirked to you, leaning against the pole-arm as he used a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe away the sweat from his forehead.

“every side is your good side, alex.” you smiled back, shutting the book and walking over to alex who was also shirtless at the moment. afterall it didnt hurt to use your boyfriend for anatomy practice; slyly you smiled at him while placing your hands on his sweaty chest. his muscles moved up and down with deep breaths as he took you in his tired and aching arms. 

“im glad my dearest thinks so. i dont just work out to keep good at fighting…its also for you, dear..” his breathy voice whispered in your ear, his mustache tickling your neck as he left light, fleeting kiss up and down. snorts and squeaks left you as you tried to push away alex who only brought you in closer to his larger frame.

“a-alex! stoop..that-haha- t-tickles!” the shrill laughs left you, alex only stopping to let out gravelly chuckles in your ear. but soon, he thankfully did stop the tickles and swayed you both back and forth a bit.** **aqua lovesick eyes bore into yours, ones that you could spend an entity in.

“i love you, dearest..” alex vowed to me.

“i love you most, alex.” i vowed back to seal it with a kiss.** **

keegan- scythe

the ghosts were also a traveling group of mercenaries, only being found at night in pubs when people were looking for them. keegan was known for his large scythe attached to his back and the skull face paint that decorates his face during missions. he joined the ghosts when after he was with another mercenary group called vipers.

“it smells good in here, firefly.” keegans arms wrapped around your waist as you chopped up some vegetables for a stew for dinner. you saw more bundles of wheat on the table as keegan rested his head in your neck.

“thank you, kee. i have bread in the oven from all the wheat you keep cutting.” i smirked at him as he placed his scythe against the wall near the front door. as you placed the vegetables in the pot and mixed everything together. 

“we should start selling wheat, kee. i can only make so much bread a week before i start hating the taste.” a chuckle left him as you stirred the pot and he took a seat at the table. he rested his head on his palm, calloused from years of use of the scythe, aqua eyes watched your figure as you moved about in the kitchen. 

“maybe we can sell the bread you make; people would come in hoards for your bread.” keegan smirked as you dished up the now ready stew and brought over two bowls to the table. he loved how domestic life was with you; one of the few constants in his life. the ghosts and you were always there for him, it took him awhile to get to use it after the vipers.

but, damn, he wouldnt trade this for anything in the world.

“firefly… i love you alot. i would do anything for you, i hope you know.” smiling, you reached out your hand and grabbed his hand, softly rubbing your thumb across the back of his hand.

“i know, dear. i would do the same for you, keegan; i love you more.” you told him back, a toothy grin spread across his lips as there was a light pink dusting across his cheeks, it made him look cuter.

“i know, firefly…now lets eat.” he pressed a quick kiss to your lips before yall dug into the delicious looking stew.

roach- necromancer

not being able to speak never bothered roach; his parents used sign language with him while others wrote notes if they did not know. roach always felt like no one could really understand him despite everything he could say or show. in his emotions, he always felt limited when it came to that. until joining the 141; they always seemed to read him better than others. price knew he was hungry for certain foods in taverns, but didnt know if they had it or not. ghost always knew when roach needed more ink or another book for his spells. gaz and soap would be there him when he was looking around booths in the village and people would try to scam him because he was mute.

roach was sitting at the tavern table, scribbling down notes he needs for spells and the ingredients needed for those spells. you were up at the counter ordering some mead and roasted stew that he always wanted. when the order was confirmed, you started making your way back to yalls table when you saw a group of patrons around roach; poking him and shoving as he sat there and tried to ignore them.

rushing over him and the group, pushing the men away from him and he guarded his book with his body.

“leave him alone! what gives you the right to bother him?” you shouted as you stood in front of the table. the group of patrons scowled as you pushed them away from your partner.

“he practices witchcraft! the worst kind of all; necromance. he needs to leave!” they shouted back at you as your hands rested on your hips, looking equally as mad at them.

“has he done anything to you? made any rude gestures? sent some ghost your way?” raising a brow at him, waiting to see what his answer would be. the man's mouth fell ajar, eyes rapidly blinking as he looked around for something to say.

“well..n-no, but its unnatural-!” you cut him off by raising a hand up to him as he tried to sputter out an answer.

“but nothing. he has every right to be in here as much as you do, so leave him alone before i make you.” you shoved your finger into his chest, making him stumble backwards as his eyes continued to widen as your words. his face paled, gave a huff and he walked off with his group behind him.

looking back at roach, you walked over to him and took his face in your hands looking over him for any possible scrapes or bumps from the patrons roughhousing him. as your eyes trailed over his soft face, roach placed his hands over yours. he gave a soft smile and slow nod as if to answer your question. 

‘im fine, precious. no injury, just took my quill.’ hitting his thumb with a closed fist against his chest then making his hand sideways as he spread his fingers apart then moving his fingers against one another. then moving in front of him, taking his fist from behind his ear and down to hand you understood what he meant.

‘are you sure?’ you signed back which made his smile wider as he brought you down next to him and pressed a kiss to your lips which made your concern melt from your face. you pressed one back to him as you placed your head on his shoulder and he got back to writing in his spell book.

alejandro- dadao

alejandro and rudy were allies and honorary members of the 141. they were a traveling duo looking to help where they could, like the 141; alejandro always felt like he was supposed to do more than just travel around with his childhood friend. not that he hated it, but he also felt lost whenever they got ready to travel to the next town. but when they landed in your town, it felt right to alejandro and he wanted to stay.

alejandro opened the back with a smile as he brought in the burlap sack clad flour and sugar you needed in the bakery. placing them near the other sacks in your low supplies as you stood behind the big butcher block table which you made pastries on.

“thank you, ale. i would have done it, but i needed to get these breads ready and in the oven.” you smiled up at him as he walked over and hugged you from behind, giving feathery kisses along your neck.

“its no problem, mi corazon, i love helping you and watching you do what you love most.” he smiled into your neck as you both swayed to the imagery music. sweet notes of vanilla, fruits, lavender, and many other notes wafted through the air which warm, fuzzy feelings in your chest as you leaned against alejandro.

“do you happen to have any extra cherry pie, mi corazon?” he whispered as he pressed a quick kiss to the shell of your ear. his warm hands gently slide up and down your sides.

cherry pie was alejandros favorite dessert, so whenever it was baked, he would always sneak a piece when you werent watching. meaning you would have to make more then buy more cherries and it was just a cycle of baking cherry pies.

“if you check the oven, love, you’ll find two cherry pies…one is yours.” an excited whoop left alejandros throat as he turned you around, pressing a passionate kiss against your lips. he ran over to the oven and pulled out the two pies with the peel, placing them on the counter.

“you’re amazing, mi corazon! you always spoil me too much with your pastries and sweets.” pulling you away from the dough on the butcher table, bringing you into his body again as a grin graced his lips. gentle hands rested upon your jaw as he brought you both closer once again; gentle lips danced against one another as you rested your hands on his chest.

“well, you deserves it, alejandro. you do a lot for me and the people here…its the least i could do for you…” you whispered against his lips when you pulled away for a moment. alejandros signature smirk returned, pushing loose baby hair away from your face so he could see it better.

“thank you, mi corazon…it means a lot to hear you say that.”

rudy- illusion mage

rudy and alejandro met as kids when other kids were picking on rudy for his magic. all the other kids thought he was a horrible mage for having illusion magic; most thought it would be used to trick and try to control people. but rudys magic only ever activated when he was in major distress as a kid, when he was older and enrolled into a magic school he learned to control it and use his magic whenever. when alejandro met his partner and decided to stay in that town, rudy didnt mind one bit as he liked the thought of a fresh start in a new town.

you sat at your desk, working on some paperwork for your boss at the bookshop. you had been there all day, sorting through the records of payments and what inventory was in the shop. rudy entered the house from nightly patrol duty, dropping off his coat and illusions dust at the front door.

“amor, what are you doing up so late?” rudy walked over to where you sat, giving you a soft kiss against your shoulder as he rested his head in the crook of your neck.

“i have to get these papers done for the bookshop, cielo…” rested a hand on his jaw, giving back a light peck on the lips. rudy chuckled as he pulled out your chair from the desk.

this caused you drop the papers and quill onto the table as your lover picked you up from the chair, bridal style.

“rudy! i have to get those done soon!” a squeal left your lips as he carried to your shared and dropped you upon yalls bed.

“soon. you said you can finish them soon, lets just cuddle for a bit, amor.” he plopped his body down onto yours as his arms went to wrap around your waist.

knowing rudy wasnt to let you from cuddling for at least a while, you gave huff in defeat which was followed by a chuckle. you begrudgingly wrapped your arms around back, slowly running your nails up and down as you pressed a kiss to his temple.

“you’re a pain in my ass, cielo. but i love you…” whispering to him as yall snuggled into the bedsheets further.

“i love you more…” rudy soon drifted into sleep as he laid on your chest. soon you followed him as well, your hands resting his hair with small smiles gracing your faces.

a/n: as i wrote this, I read the wikis of war zone operators and was thinking about doing a part 2 with some, let me know if y'all would like that and if you want to see certain characters in it

[marvelwitchergilmore]

In Love

Summary: Clint Barton x Fe!Reader ~ Turns out, you’ve been keeping a massive secret from Clint despite being his friend and co-worker for the last six years. 

Disclaimer: violence, swearing (I think), pining, life-or-death situations, kiss to keep cover, fluff, hand holding, angst, blood, torture, Clint does not have kids or a wife or has ever, 16+ themes (Criminal Minds kinda thing). MDNI - This is your warning - If you read on, you have agreed to read 16+ themes.

The moment you came home your first day in the field, you knew what was to come. 

You never fell in love. Never even fell into ‘like’. But the moment you met him…it was game over. Your future self laughed at your younger self. 

“I’m never gonna fall in love.” you would say. “I’m never gonna like a boy like that. I’m not going to want someone to come home to. I want my own space. I don’t want anyone by my side. I don’t need anyone but my dogs. They can keep me company when I’m old and grey.”

God, you wished you could be like that again. Despite knowing none of it would be true, you wished you still had those ideologies. That you would never fall in love. That you would never date or marry or want children and turn out to be a Sports Mom with a minivan filled with gear, orange slices and cases of water you got on sale from Costco. 

But the moment you saw him…that ideology died. In fact, it burst into a ball of flames. 

You had never had that feeling before. That kind of feeling that sent a tornado through your stomach, blood pumping around your body as if you’d just fought for your life in a cross country race and your heart doing somersaults against your lungs that knocked the air out of them. 

But the moment you saw him…you had to scold yourself. 

And you scolded yourself over and over and over and over again, for years. 

Agent Clint Barton was first and foremost your teammate. You could only trust one another to the extent that the other did. Same with the rest of your team. 

Without trust, there would be no foundation for anything. 

And he trusted you. That much was clear. 

Afterwards, you, Clint and the rest of your team became friends and before long, you were a unit. A family. 

Each and every one of you knew the other like the back of your hands, except…Clint felt like he was missing something with you. 

He knew you were keeping something from him. And sometimes it felt like the rest of the team were trying to keep your secret, too.

Though, you knew that the rest of the team didn’t know for certain about your feelings towards Clint. They knew you but when it came to your love life, you were the only one none of them could figure out. Your cards were kept firmly against your chest. 

One evening, Willa (one of your teammates) spotted you in a small cafe getting a drink with a guy and when she saw you Monday morning, she instantly asked you about him. The whole team was there. Were you about to reveal that you have a secret boyfriend this whole time? Perhaps he was your husband and you had 4 kids and secretly owned a private school in Nebraska?

But, no. 

“He was just a guy and we had a good time but I don’t think I’m gonna see him again.”

“Why not?” Clint asked you. 

“Because the day after I saw him in the park with his girlfriend and their dog.” 

“Ooh,”

“I’m sorry, honey.” Willa frowned. 

“It’s okay.” 

For the next couple of months, you went on more dates. Some were set up by Willa and Jerry (another teammate) and the rest by online sites. And, some were more successful than others but in the end, none of them gave you that feeling that you had when you first met Clint. That kind of feeling, the moment you dropped your bag and closed your front door had you nodding your head and accepting, “Yep, this is it.” as you realised, somehow, miraculously, you’d managed to have a loving crush on someone. But it wouldn’t matter, because he is your teammate. 

And, after two years of trying to get rid of your feelings for him, or at least, trying to accept them and move on with your life, Clint sent your heart spirally and fell even harder when yourself, Willa, Jerry, Una and Clint were all sent on a mission together. 

It was an extraction. 

The host of the gala was a multi-millionaire and would be auctioning off his prized possessions in a secret auction. The gala was simply a front. After all, why would more than three dozen highly wealthy people all come to the same country for “a holiday”. 

His prized possessions included a hard-drive that opened the buyer to a world of information surrounding offshore accounts that were used to help free-lance agents that still had ties to any and all government organisations. 

Shield included. 

Only, after the initial smooth sailing, things took a turn. 

“It’s not here.”

From the other side of the bar, your eyes met with Clint’s and you spoke into your drink as you lifted it to your lips. “What do you mean it’s not there?”

“I mean it’s not here.” Jerry told you down comms. “The harddrive. It’s not in this room.”

“Then where could it- oh no.”

“Oh no? What oh no?” Clint asked. 

Willa turned her back to the column. “It’s in his jacket.”

“What do you mean it’s in his jacket?”

“Ten O’clock.”

Low and behold, there the host stood, the silver USB stick in his hand, smiling as he waved it around three other potential buyers. 

One of them went to touch it and the host pocketed it before he could, smiling before removing his jacket and handing it to his butler beside him who folded it up and began to walk away with it. 

“Where’s he taking it?”

Willa lip-read what she could from the conversation. 

“His bedroom.”

“His bedroom is heavily guarded.” 

“You don’t say.”

“Guys, what are we going to do? We need that hard drive.” Jerry’s voice rang through.

“Someone needs to get his attention.” Willa replied. 

“How?” you asked. 

“I have an idea.”

Moments later, Clint was by your side. 

“What are you-”

“Just trust me. You can punch me later.”

You placed your hand in Clint’s as he led you to the dance floor and suddenly you were very aware of your own skin. It was an odd feeling. 

“Just do what I do. But backwards. And in heels.”

“Thanks, Fred. What exactly is your plan here?”

Clint’s eyes met yours. “He looks in your direction every 45 seconds. I’m going to give him an excuse to make his move.”

You yelped in shock as Clint pulled you flush against him, his hand flexing on your lower back. 

“Just trust me?”

You caught the sincere look in his eyes and all you could do was nod. 

It worked. 

Just as Clint was moving you around the dance floor, your mind going elsewhere, there came a tap onto Clint’s shoulder. 

“May I cut in?”

“Of course.”

Clint pressed a kiss to your cheek, quickly whispering in your ear. “Flirt. You look beautiful, by the way.”

You smiled and nodded as he walked away, letting your hands slip from his and into the host’s. And, after flirting for the length of a song, feeling his hands go lower down your back, your own hands stopping him, he finally walked you up the stairs and towards his bedroom. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got eyes on you.” Clint spoke down comms. 

You looked over your shoulder as you climbed the grand staircase with the host’s hand at your back, and you saw Clint to the left of the dance floor, watching you carefully. 

Once you found yourself with the host, alone, in his bedroom and the guards told to clear away and take their break for an hour or so, you made quick work in knocking him out, finding the jacket and removing the hard drive. 

Only, once you left and met Clint outside the bedroom door, a new to duty guard came around the corner. 

“Just follow me.” Clint took your hand in his as he pocketed the hard drive into his jacket. 

You only got half-way walking down the hall when the guard, who had peaked in on the host, came back out and shouted for you both to stop. 

Of course, you didn’t. 

You both ran instead. 

Then an alarm was pulled and every guard the host paid seemed to be after you and Clint. 

“What are you going to do?” Willa asked as Clint pressed something into her hand as he ran past her and out of the door.

“We’ll meet you back at the safe house.” Clint told Willa. “Just take the hard drive and get it to Jerry. Una, tell me you’ve got the van ready.”

“Ready. I’ll meet Willa and Jerry at the extraction point.”

“Good.”

And for the next ten minutes, you and Clint were running through the streets and back alleyways of the town, running in separate directions for a while before bumping into each other down a side-ally. 

Footsteps were coming closer and the sound of bullets were flying through the air. 

“They don’t know what they’re aiming at.” 

“But they’ll find us soon.”

“If we run out now, they’ll shoot at us.”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know.” you looked at him, breathless, before looking back down the alley. 

Then it hit Clint. 

“I have an idea but I need you to trust me. Like, really trust me.”

“Jesus Christ, Barton. Just get on with it.” you finally called out as he tried to prevent the inevitability of his plan - despite you not knowing what it was. 

The footsteps were drawing closer and for a moment they stopped, a light flashed down the alleyway and voice talked before the running continued.

But none of that registered in the moment because your brain was short-circuiting since Clint’s bright idea was to kiss you. 

His hands came to your face and he could feel your hands on his arms, ready to push him off and probably punch him. But you didn’t. And, rather than the kiss being stiff and awkward…it was unlike any other. 

One of his hands still remained by the side of your face when the light shone down the path but his other came down your body, sending goosebumps in their wake, before he pulled you against him and he stepped closer pressing you between him and the wall. 

Your own hands travelled up to his neck and pulled him closer but once the footsteps died away, the kiss slowly came to an end leaving you both breathless against one another. 

“I think it worked.” 

Clint nodded, swallowing hard, as he looked at you. 

How had he never noticed the reflection of the stars in your eyes before? 

“I think it did. Are you gonna punch me now?”

Clint watched as you paused for a moment. 

“Not right now. But if they come back, I might.”

“We better go?”

You nodded. “We better go.”

You had to push yourself along because you knew, if you didn’t, you’d kiss him again and he’d simply kissed you to avoid getting caught, right? There would be no dire consequences after that kiss. 

But all Clint could do was scold himself as you both made your way back to the safe house. How had he never noticed the stars in your eyes before? Or how, in the morning, the rays of the sun shone back just as bright? He also scolded himself from allowing himself to emotionally indulge in the kiss he shared with you. You are his teammate. And he knew himself. 

He couldn’t let his heart get involved, or else there would be dire consequences. 

Initially, things felt…awkward. But, after four years, it was just an old memory, right? And, yeah, sure, the memory would be revisited from time to time whether independently or shared…kinda. Mostly, this was when the team would have drinks one night and would be talking about love lives and first kisses and worst kisses. 

“Alright, alright, alright. I’ll give you that one.” Una said, swirling her bottle of beer. “But kissing to avoid something, that can't work, can it?”

“It can.” 

Your mouth spoke the words before your brain could stop you. 

“And how would you know?”

You caught Clint’s smirk as he looked down to his beer. 

“I just do.”

“Oh, really?”

“Come on, tell us!” Willa cried. 

You shook your head with a suppressed laugh. “I’ve said too much.”

“No, come on!”

“Maybe some other time.”

“No fair.”

“Okay,” you smiled. “You tell us about what happened with Derek and your ‘worldly knowledge’ and I’ll tell you my story.”

Willa narrowed her eyes at you, playfully. “You play a clever game.”

You just sat back and smiled.

But despite all of this, four years on, neither you or Clint had seemingly changed. But he still felt like you were hiding something from him. 

Except, he’d find out soon enough. And not in a way either of you hoped he would. 

This time, you’d been called in on your day off. 

“What’s going on?”

Clint turned around from the monitor and was at first taken aback from your clothing. Usually, you wore black pants and a black t-shirt to work or a work shirt or, if the situation called for it, sand coloured cargo trousers and a breathable t-shirt. Though, that was usually when having to attend a military base outside of cooler weather. 

Instead, you wore a cosy jumper and dungarees that had paint splatter all over them, including your white pumps and small freckles of pain on the baby hairs that had escaped their cover of the hair bandanna. 

Clint also spotted the remnants of nail polish in your cuticles and light paint on the side of your hands. 

“We’ve just got- have you been decorating?”

You looked over yourself. “Oh, yeah. Felt like a change. Anyway, what’s going on?”

“We’ve just got wind of a hostage situation. We can’t make verbal contact with the abductor but they did send this out.”

It was a note. 

And it was through that note that led you and Clint making an extraction which was initially successful until you did a final sweep afterwards only to be knocked out when you spotted a door had been left ajar and the lights turned off. 

Clint, after not hearing your reply, came in after you. 

And that was how you both ended up waking up inside some beat down old home that had probably been designed in the 40s. 

His voice was hazy, but you heard Clint call your name. You also tried your best to take in a breath but was only met with a damp stench and the feeling of your lungs crushing you into shock. 

“Take it easy, he hit you pretty hard.”

After a few minutes, you finally gained some normality in your lungs but the sting was still there. 

“What happened?”

“After he went all sleeper agent on you, I came in and found you unconscious. I was trying to wake you when he stuck something in my neck.”

“I see you got the peaceful option.” 

“Funny.”

“Where the hell are we?” you asked, trying your best to look around. 

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard any cars so I’m gonna take a guess and say we’re in the middle of nowhere.”

“Well, that narrows it down.”

“Did you see who took us?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

You and Clint snapped your heads to the open space in front of you both. 

Out from the shadows appeared the guy who you had seen just before his gun came across your head and your body hit the ground. 

The man walked from one side of the room, to the other, screwing in the light-bulbs beneath the lampshades causing both you and Clint to squint at the brightness. You’d both been submerged in darkness for quite some time. 

“My name is Jack. I know, how original. It was actually my mother’s father’s name. Named after my grandfather, grand ol’ Jack. Lived till he was 92. Always said the best way to survive was to always tell the truth. That lies weighed on the soul. And to have a small shot of whiskey before going to bed. Said that was good for the heart since it quietened the mind.”

“Really touching story,” you cut him off. “But why are we here?”

“Don’t you get it?”

You and Clint looked at one another. Had you both missed a part of this conversation? 

“I tried to save those people in the warehouse.” Jack told both of you as he straddled a chair. “People in this world need saving from themselves. People are dying younger than they ever did. And it’s because of all the lies. The lies they keep from their parents, and their children and themselves. It’s all crushing their soul. And I knew…” Jack smiled, wagging his finger. “I knew the moment I saw you down there that yours was being crushed the most.”

“Saw me?”

Jack stood from his chair. “I was in the corner office, on the top floor. It has an excellent view. Whoever has that office next will love it. The accents on the wall, ah magnificent.” Jack kissed his fingers before continuing. “But it gave me a good scope. I understand not everyone will…agree with my methods, per say.”

“No, because you took people hostage.” Clint pointed out. 

“I was trying to save them! And I was finally getting through to them until those SWAT guys pulled out my team.”

“Again, because you had taken them hostage. And now you’ve taken us hostage.”

“This world needs saving!” Jack yelled. “It needs saving from the lies people tell and the secrets they all hide.”

“Alright!” you yelled out before calming your voice. “Alright. So…the world needs saving? Jack, do you really think you’re saving it…by killing people? The hold-up down on 9th? That was you, right? Those people you let go-”

“They let their souls free. They told the truth.”

“So, if we-” you looked at Clint before turning back to Jack. “If we tell you the truth, will you let us go?”

“Yes.” 

For a moment, the feeling in the room got lighter. Maybe there was a way out after all. 

“But you’ll only lie. No, you…your secrets are too big to just give up freely. You…you’re a take em’ to the grave kinda gal. So, no. I won’t let you go. Not until I know that it’s the truth.”

“How will you know?”

Clint regretted asking the question. 

“Because she’ll be begging to tell me. You both will.”

Neither of you knew how much time had passed but the spots from the light were getting duller and bigger. 

“No, no. You can not sleep yet. You haven’t freed your soul.”

“Why do we have to free our souls?” you asked, the taste of blood coming to your mouth. “What if I don’t want to be saved? You said it yourself. I’d rather take mine to the grave.”

“Oh, but you don’t. Not really.” 

Jack had been circling you and Clint for a while, as if he were a hunter, teasing you - waiting for you to beg to be killed. 

“No, I can see it in your eyes. The eyes never lie.” 

Jack levelled himself though he wasn’t close enough to knock out. His hands gripped your thighs as he hummed, annoyance clear in his expression as he tried to figure out your secret. 

“Perhaps you killed someone? No, that isn’t it. Maybe you ran away? Have a secret family? No, that’s not it either. The eyes never lie to me. What is it? What are you not telling me? What are you not telling yourself?”

Clint called your name and Jack saw the slightest change in you. So slight, in fact, even you didn’t feel it. 

“It’s him. It had something to do with your team. No, teammate. It’s him and just him.”

Jack pushed against your thighs so he could stand up straight. Quickly, he made his way over to Clint and circled him. 

“What is it? What is it about you, huh? What has her secret got to do with you? Let's see if we can find out.”

You heard the snap of a switchblade as it opened and the fight for Jack to steady Clint but before he could make the first cut or slice, you cried out. 

“Stop! He doesn’t know! He- he doesn’t know. Please…just…just don’t hurt him. Please.”

Jack looked over to you and Clint’s name escaped your lips, both in pleading and question. 

“Oh…oh, this runs so much deeper than just a secret.”

You lowered your head for a moment. The pounding in your heart was only made harder by your own silent cries telling you to not say anything else. But there was a chance you’d both die, so why not tell him? Right? Maybe it would save your lives? Or would it only give Jack more ammunition to use? 

 “Doesn’t it?”

“Please…don’t.”

Jack knelt in front of you and gently touched your cheek before moving his hand down and grasping under your jaw, forcing your head up. 

“Tell me. Let me free your soul.”

Tears rolled down your cheeks, your heart crushing your lungs inside your chest. 

“If you don’t tell me, I will only hurt him more. And you don’t want to hurt him. Tell me. Help me save both of you. Tell me. No, tell him.”

Jack moved your head, forcing you to look at Clint with tear stained cheeks. 

“I’m sorry, Clint. I’m so sorry.”

Your name came from Clint’s voice, barely above a whisper. 

“You can admit it,” Jack said your name. “You committed the most heinous act an agent such as yourself can do, didn’t you? You created a danger, not only for him, but yourself.”

Clint said your name again, trying to move his hands only to find them still shackled to his chair. 

“You fell in love.”

You took in a breath, the beating feeling in your chest, turning into a stabbing feeling against your lungs. Your head remained down as you squoze your eyes shut, more tears escaping from your lids, down your lashes and onto your lap. 

“Please…”

You didn’t even know if Jack could hear you, but you pleaded with him anyway. 

“We need to hear you say it.”

You remained silent but then-

“Say it!”

Jack’s hand came to your face and pushed you to look at him. 

“Say it! Say it!”

You continued to plead with him until he pushed you back further and you screamed out. 

“I fell in love! I fell in love! Please! Stop! No! Please! I-I fell in love! I fell in love with him! Please! I-I fell in love with him. I’m in love with him!”

Jack stopped and waited a moment before pulling you back so all four legs of the chair were on the ground and he finally removed his hand from your face. 

“And there it is.” 

He was smiling. The look and sound of fear in your body had pushed him further but the defeated look on your face…that couldn’t be bought. That had to be created, by his hands. 

Clint looked between Jack and you and he didn’t know what to be more worried about. What Jack could possibly do to you next, or the fact that even he knew you were telling the truth to Jack. 

You were in love with him.

But he didn’t have long to sit and think about it because flashing lights suddenly came from behind the thick fabric that covered the broken windows, blocking out the light of the day and night. 

“No! No!” Jack shouted. “I still need to save them!”

It all happened so quickly, Clint barely caught the fact that Willa had rushed inside, Una arresting Jack and detaining him. Willa rushed over to Clint as Jerry came over to you.

“How did you find us?” Clint asked Willa as Jerry came behind you and picked the locks of your handcuffs. 

“Are you okay?”

Jerry knew it was a stupid question, even when you didn’t answer him. 

“A dog walker called it in. Said they could hear someone yelling as if they were in pain. He also knew no one has lived in this house since 1982.”

As Willa picked Clint’s handcuffs, Jerry had managed to get you out of yours and without looking back, you darted for the door. 

“Wait, wait,” Una called after you. “We need to wait for the medics.”

“Can you take me to the hospital?”

Una looked you over. She could see the clear look in your eyes. You didn’t want to stay here for another second. 

“Don’t you want to wait for Clin-”

“Now?”

Una nodded, radioing into Willa who was standing behind Clint, letting Jerry finish unpicking the locks. 

“Sure, I’ll call ahead.”

“Thank you, Willa.”

Hoping into the passenger seat, you shut the door as Una climbed into the driver’s seat and took off down the road and to the local hospital. 

“What happened in there?” Una asked you as she flicked her eyes from the road to you and back again. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Even with your hand shaking, you pushed your fingers across your face to try and wipe away the tears. 

By the time you arrived at the hospital, you were taken to a separate room where Una stayed in the waiting room, filling out your forms. Your hands were too shaky to even hold a pen and you could just about remember your own name. 

The doctor ran multiple tests and pushed the small cuts together with closure slips. 

“You’re all good but I’d like you to remain here for a couple hours, just in case there’s any change.”

You nodded and quietly thanked the doctor as she left. 

There were patches of dirt on your hands, as well as blood and old tears where they washed away the stains. 

After an hour, Una came in only to leave a few minutes later since she was called back to base to interrogate Jack. And, as she left, you slowly lowered yourself down on the hospital bed and, despite the noise in your head, you fell asleep. 

A few hours later, a nurse came in and woke up. 

“You can go home now, honey. We’re gonna need this bed.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” you tried to get up quickly but the nurse only laid a hand on your shoulder. 

“It’s okay, honey. Take your time. I read your chart, you took quite the hit. Your friend is waiting for you in the waiting room to take you home.”

You nodded, swinging your legs over the side. 

“Here. Take these for the headache.”

“Thank you.”

“No worries, honey.”

By the time you had grabbed your jacket and started walking down the hallway, you stalled when you saw who the nurse was talking about. 

If you had the energy, you probably would have run in the opposite direction. But you didn’t. You were tired and if the nurse hadn’t woken you, you probably would have slept for the next 24 hours. 

“Una was gonna come but I fought her for it.” Clint tried to smile but he could see your’s was just forced. 

“Look, what happened-”

“Clint, please…I– I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home.”

“Okay.”

The drive back was silent and awkward and by the time he pulled up, you looked at him for as long as you could stomach (which wasn’t long) before opening up the door and thanking him. 

And, the moment you pushed your key inside your door, you thought you were safe. That everything was finished for the day and you could deal with it tomorrow. 

But Clint got out of the car and called your name. 

“Wait!”

He took the porch steps two at a time and when he finally reached you, you forced yourself to look at him. 

“I need to say something.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Clint.”

“But I want to.”

“Please…I’d…I just want to forget what happened today. Please…I can’t do it again.”

“I know you’re scared and watching what he was doing to you…I was scared, too. I am. I am scared.”

“Clint,” you could see the look in his eyes and you shook your head. “No. Don’t. Don’t say anything you’re gonna regret.”

“The only thing I regret is not telling you earlier.” Clint told you. “Then maybe none of this would have happened.”

“Clint-”

“I-”

“Please.” 

Your hand flew to his chest and he stopped talking. “Please. Whatever you’re about to say…please wait. Wait for the right time.”

Finally, you looked at him and his hands came to the top of your arms, stroking downwards before holding you close. 

“Please…just wait.”

“Okay.”

That was all he said before kissing your head and saying it again. 

“Okay. I’ll wait.”

By the time you woke up in the morning, your mind had stilled and before it could get loud again, you started painting again. All of your furniture was covered and two out of the 6 walls you had planned to paint had been cleaned, stripped, sanded, coated and painted. 

And, just as you started on the third, a knock came to your door. 

“I just want to help.” Clint told you. “And, let’s be honest, last time you tried decorating this place on your own, you nearly knocked yourself out with paint cleaner.”

You, for the first time in the last 48 hours, smiled. 

“You can take the kitchen. There should be some new cupboards to keep you company.”

“You’re finally changing them?” Clint asked, entering the kitchen, his tool belt around his hips. 

“I am. Picked them out last week.”

“Thank god.” he said. “I hated the last ones.”

“Same.”

The rest of the day ran smoothly enough, despite what the last couple of days had revealed. Clint informed you that you and him both had the next two weeks off before either of you could go back into the field. He also helped fix the kitchen cabinets to the wall as well as install your new oven. You could have done it on your own, but having someone else there made it easier. Clint also helped you move around the heavier furniture and, when fixing the wiring to the lightbulb, he held the ladder steady under you so you wouldn’t fall. 

And for the following two days, neither of you mentioned anything about what happened with Jack. It was like nothing had ever happened in the first place. 

Until Clint decided he couldn’t wait anymore. 

It was easier, before the kiss, to shut off his feelings for you; that worry, that concern, that joy that exceeded more than just the smile of friendship. But after, they became much more clear. He saw the stars in your eyes and the light in your smile. He was more than just amazed at your talents of being an agent. Of course, those who joined Shield all had similar talents, but there was just something more about you. More to be figured out, more to learn, more to be desired and most of all, more to be loved. 

He couldn’t wait any longer. 

Sure, he’d been called stubborn before but now he was impatient. He’d let time slip by for six years and in that time there had been moments where he wanted to call out from the top of buildings that his feelings for you were more than that of a friend, of a teammate. But he couldn’t. 

There was always a mission or a job to be done or a date that got in the way. And now, there had been a raging lunatic that, if Willa and the rest of the team hadn’t landed when they did, could have killed you. He’d set your soul free, you’d been able to tell your secret. What was to stop him from not letting the rest of you go? What was stopping him from shooting you where you sat or using your life against his? 

Nothing. 

Because Clint couldn’t free himself. He couldn’t free himself from his chair or the shackles that kept him there. No matter how many times he called out your name or shouted for Jack to stop, he couldn’t free himself. He couldn’t get there. He couldn’t stop Jack from doing whatever he wanted to the women he fell in love with all those years ago. 

But he could do something now. 

So, as you stood beside him in the kitchen measuring out a plank of wood to fit on the wall above your stove, Clint looked at you and finally told you what he’d been wanting to tell you for years and what he was about to tell you two days ago before you begged him to wait, you not fully knowing whether he was going to reject you or tell you that he loved you. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Whatever you had been saying about the plank of wood and how you needed to get some more sandpaper from Home Depot quickly came to a stop as you stumbled over your words and looked at him. 

“What?”

“I’m in love with you.” Clint repeated. 

“No, Clint. Don’t-”

“I’m not just saying it because of what happened.” Clint assured you. “I should have told you years ago but I kept making excuses. But, after what happened, I don’t want to be able to find an excuse. I nearly lost you because I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m not losing you again. I’m in love with you.”

You were stunned to say the least. 

“I know, two days ago, you told me to wait. I was going to tell you when I got to the hospital but they told me you’d just fallen asleep. And then you told me to wait when I dropped you off and maybe I should, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss a chance to tell you again.”

Again, you were stunned into silence. 

“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m dizzy.” 

That was all you could say. All the information and realisation of every action made in the last six years all hit you at once. 

Swiftly, Clint pulled out one of the bar stools and you sat down holding your head. 

“You’re in love with me?”

“I’m in love with you.” Clint repeated. 

“You’re in love…with me? Me? The woman sat in front of you? Me?”

“Yes. I am in love with you.”

“Have you inhaled paint cleaner?”

Clint chuckled and pulled out a chair himself, sitting with his knees locked into yours before he took your hands in his. 

He stated your full name, “I am in love with you. And have been for the last six years.” Clint also stated your birthdate, star sign, address and badge number. “Does that clear it up?”

Your heart was beating in your chest so fast you thought it might actually explode. 

“Clint, I…I need to know you’re not just saying this because of what happened.”

Clint gave a small nod. “I have an idea but I’m gonna need you to trust me. Like, really trust me.”

You nodded and a moment later, Clint’s hands had moved from yours to your face, cupping your cheeks before pulling you in for a kiss. 

It was gentle and loving and unlike any other kiss you had experienced before. Other guys had taken what they wanted, forced the kind of kiss they wanted out of you. But not Clint. 

Somehow, he conveyed every emotion he could into the kiss and you couldn’t help but feel your mind wander back to your first kiss, down the side alleyway. That felt real. You had to convince yourself it was fake but this, and that, was real. 

It was all real. 

For a moment, you felt Clint smile into the kiss as your hands gripped at the collar of his checked shirt to pull him closer. A smile which you returned. 

“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m in love with you, too.”

Clint smiled and kissed you again, and again, and again. 

Despite everything that had happened, and everything that you had previously thought, you had come to realise that maybe it wasn’t so bad to learn to love and accept love in return. And in the years that passed, despite the dangers the job put you both in, it was nice to come home and be greeted with a familiar face and a warm embrace and to have a family you could both call your own. 

[magnoliamyrrh]

By Hawon Jung

After trying for over a year to persuade more South Korean women to have babies, Chung Hyun-back says one reason stands out for her failure: “Our patriarchal culture.” Ms. Chung, who was tasked by the previous government with reversing the country’s plummeting birthrate, knows firsthand how tough it is to be a woman in South Korea. She chose her career over nuptials and children. Like her, millions of young women have been collectively spurning motherhood in a so-called birth strike.

A 2022 survey found that more women than men — 65 percent versus 48 percent — don’t want children. They’re doubling down by avoiding matrimony (and its conventional pressures) altogether. The other term in South Korea for birth strike is “marriage strike.”

The trend is killing South Korea. For three years in a row, the country has recorded the lowest fertility rate in the world, with women of reproductive age having fewer than one child on average. It reached the “dead cross,” when deaths outnumbered births, in 2020, nearly a decade earlier than expected.

Chung Hyun-back, who was South Korea’s gender equality minister in 2017-18, tried unsuccessfully to raise the country’s plunging fertility rate. Among the obstacles she says are to blame is the country’s “patriatchal culture."

Now, about half of the country’s 228 cities, counties and districts risk losing so many residents they might vanish. Day care centers and kindergartens are being converted into nursing homes. Ob-Gyn clinics are closing, and funeral parlors are opening. At Seoksan Elementary School, in rural Gunwi County, the student body has shrunk from 700 pupils to four. When last I visited, the children couldn’t even form a soccer team.

Young Koreans have well-documented  reasons not to start a family, including the staggering costs of raising children, unaffordable homes, lousy job prospects and soul-crushing work hours. But women in particular are fed up with this traditionalist society’s impossible expectations of mothers. So they’re quitting.

President Yoon Suk-yeol, elected last year, has suggested feminism is to blame for blocking “healthy relationships” between men and women. But he’s got it backward — gender equality is the solution to falling birthrates. Many of the Korean women shunning dating, marriage and childbirth are sick of pervasive sexism and furious about a culture of violent chauvinism. Their refusal to be “baby-making machines,” according to protest banners I’ve seen, is retaliation. “The birth strike is women’s revenge on a society that puts impossible burdens on us and doesn’t respect us,” says Jiny Kim, 30, a Seoul office worker who’s intent on remaining childless.

Making life fairer and safer for women would work wonders toward reducing the country’s existential threat. Yet this feminist dream seems increasingly far-fetched, as Mr. Yoon’s conservative government champions regressive policies that only magnify the problem.

South Korea’s demographic crisis was once inconceivable: As late as the 1960s, women had six children on average. But the state, pursuing economic development, carried out an aggressive population control campaign. In about 20 years, women were having fewer than the 2.1 children needed for replenishment, a number that’s only continued to drop. The latest available data from South Korea’s statistics agency put the fertility rate at 0.81 for 2021; by the third quarter of 2022 it was 0.79.

Recent governments have indeed been alarmed by a rate that’s seemingly approaching zero. Over 16 years, 280 trillion won ($210 billion) has been poured into programs encouraging procreation, such as a monthly allowance for parents of newborns.

Many women still say nope. No wonder. There’s little escaping suffocating gender norms, whether in pregnancy guidelines to arrange clean undergarments for your husband before labor, or the dayslong kitchen drudgework for holidays like the Chuseok harvest festival. Married women are saddled with the lion’s share of chores and child care, squeezing new mothers so much that many give up professional ambitions. Even in dual-income households, wives daily spend more than three hours on these tasks versus their husband’s 54 minutes.

Discrimination against working mothers by employers is also absurdly common. In one notorious case, the country’s top baby formula maker was accused of pressuring female employees to quit after getting pregnant.

And gender-based violence is “shockingly widespread,” according to Human Rights Watch. In 2021, a woman was murdered or targeted for murder every 1.4 days or less, according to the Korea Women’s Hotline. Women have dubbed the act of ending a relationship without getting a vicious reaction a “safe breakup.”

But women haven’t passively accepted the toxic masculinity. They’ve organized raucously, from Asia’s most successful #MeToo movement to groups like “4B,” which translates to the “Four nos: no dating, no sex, no marriage and no child-rearing.” The country’s feminist movements have won the decriminalization of abortion and harsher penalties for an epidemic of spycam-porn crimes.

Many young Korean men, however, have declared themselves victims of women’s activism. President Yoon rose to power last year by leveraging this resentment. He echoed the dog whistle of men’s rights advocates, declaring that structural sexism no longer exists in South Korea and vowing tougher punishment for false reports of sexual assault.

Mr. Yoon’s government is removing the term “gender equality” from school textbooks and has canceled funding for programs to fight everyday sexism. “If you find gender equality and feminism so important, you can do it with your own money and time,” said one lawmaker in his party.

The government is also working to dismantle its own headquarters for women’s empowerment — the gender equality ministry. Established in 2001, it’s been transformative in normalizing parental leave for fathers and helping more women achieve workplace seniority.

Comments by the gender equality minister under the Yoon administration illustrate its abandonment of women. In September, Kim Hyun-sook rejected the idea that misogyny was at play when a Seoul Metro worker stabbed a female colleague to death in a subway bathroom after stalking her for years. Ms. Kim also initially declared that the rape and killing of a college student on campus last June was not violence against women and shouldn’t be used to fan “gender conflict.”

So far, none of the measures implemented by successive governments have flipped the trends in marriage and childbearing. Worse yet, the current government seems to be actively undermining efforts that gave women hope. “This is a historical regression,” says Ms. Chung, who was the gender equality minister from 2017 to 2018. Society can’t end the birth strike without acknowledging women’s grievances, she says.

Motivating Korean women to reconsider marriage and children involves infusing every aspect of their lives with agency and equality. A feminist approach would remove obstacles to motherhood simply by enforcing existing laws against workplace discrimination. It would destigmatize births outside of marriage and make domestic duties everyone’s responsibility. It would condemn gender violence as reprehensible. A feminist approach would admit there’s a systemic problem.

It’s clear that countries with a disproportionate division of child care or lacking national paid parental leave, like Japan and the United States, also have plunging fertility rates. It’s the same with China, where women inspired by South Korea started their own “Four nos” movement; government data this month reveals its population is shrinking, too. But countries with cooperative fathers and good family policies, like Sweden, or that recognize diverse companionships, like France, have been more successful at stabilizing or even bumping up births.

The United Nations projects that South Korea’s 51 million population will halve before the end of the century. Survival of the nation is at stake.

Hawon Jung (@allyjung) is the author of the forthcoming “Flowers of Fire: The Inside Story of South Korea’s Feminist Movement and What It Means for Women’s Rights Worldwide,” and a former Agence France-Presse reporter in Seoul. She splits her time between South Korea and Germany.

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Heyy ive been stalking your character match ups for a hot second and i would like to request one! Im not exactly sure what all to include so sorry if its a little lackluster :)))

My name is Claire, im 5’2 and midsized. Im 15 turning 16. I have dirty blonde hair that had highlights n copper lowlights :) its a couple inches past my shoulders and its about 2a i would say :) My typical clothes are sporty but im trying to go for a more clean girl/neutral soft girl look more recently. I have blue grey eyes and light freckles on my nose, i wear clear glasses and usually brown mascara!

I enjoy weightlifting, reading, gaming, and sun bathing :) im working as a life guard this summer as i grew up swimming and used to be on a swim team! My friends would describe me as smart, funny, and loud loll, i get very talkative sometimes when im interested! I shut down completely when im upset and i have issues communicating my emotions

I have 3 older brothers who all wrestled, did football, were really jocky so i am used to sibling violence lolll

I wrestle, do softball, and im thinking about joining cross country! Although i have asthmaaa

I think i wouldnt be a soc but i wouldnt be a greaser, i would be an average joe who goes to school with them or met them while hanging out with friends at a diner or something :) my mom would def be a soc and my dad would def be a greaser so have with that how you will :)

I have a black cat i love dearly, shes super sassy and partly feral but i love her :) her name is Noire

I really dont know what else to sayy so yeah :) i hope theres someone compatible with me!

Your Outsiders Ship: Darry Curtis! 

(Ps I do this purely off of someone’s character and even though you mentioned your age, he’s a lot older she would need to be aged up for this or something, but I just don’t really take age into consideration)

Explanation: starting off with your appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and love that you were short and he would definitely be the type of guy to use his strength to spin you around like a princess if you were into that or just generally teasing you about being short and you guys would have a major height difference. I would think he would love your hair and highlights are pretty cool and cute and add to your overall appearance. I think he would definitely wait lift with you and he’s not as much into gaming, but I feel like he would read something with you and talk about it with you kind of like your own little miniature book club. He’s into books not as Pony but he’s into them. He’s also a very sported guy and I personally think he probably would’ve done something like wrestling in high school so I think he would love doing that with you and also he would definitely take advantage of the fact that he’s not in your weight class to overpower you and then tease you about it. as for softball, I think he would come to all of your games and be extremely supportive because he did football and he kinda knows how it feels to be on one of those teams and wants to support you as much as possible. I also think that he would think it’s incredibly amazing that your lifeguard would ask a ton if you had any crazy experiences being a lifeguard and I feel like he’s also the type of guy to dramatically drown and then joke about you giving him CPR. As for personality, I think he would find you extremely sweet and I think it’s also important to him to have a partner who is funny because he’s more of a serious guy to balance each other out. So I think you guys would be extremely compatible. He’s also obviously grown up with brothers so I feel like you guys would also talk a lot about your experiences with each other and definitely relate to certain things I feel like that would be one of your main bonding topics that you originally got to know each other over. Yall are cute!

[erzivy]

Which of the counselors would be virgins and which ones already lost their virginity?

i am SO glad you asked. i'm placing this at pre-game, so anything mentioned in this post happened before the summer of 2021

ryan's experience extends to a single time his freshman year girlfriend groped him over his dress pants during a school dance and he was not a fan. in a "why do people even really do this? it isn't fun" way, which is understandable, because a dry inexperienced groping session doesn't seem incredibly evoking. he was 15.

dylan had his first time in the back of a too-small car with his boyfriend after his junior prom- he bottomed because his boyfriend wanted him to- and it was awful. he laughs about it now because it's extremely funny that he had really bad sex in a vw beetle at the age of 17 and the height of 6'1". he always remembers to add that one lube packet is not enough lube for first time car anal

kaitlyn's first time was arranged on a dating app with a girl she didn't think would like her back- and it turns out she really didn't- but despite the two ending up more platonic friends going into senior year, kaitlyn can proudly say she made a girl cum on the first try

as mentioned in my postgame kids headcanons post, abi has a strong fear of intimacy. she hasn't even kissed anyone yet by the time the game starts, and she's barely even experienced a crush, which is why she's so incredibly careful when stepping into more with nick. she has a lot of body image and self worth issues to work through before she'll be truly comfortable with sex.

based on things emma says about other people's relationships, you would think she's had tons of experience, but she hasn't- she had her first time with a boy from the varsity cross country team when she was 16. it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't memorable, and she often finds herself wishing she had waited for someone more meaningful to come around instead of someone who just wanted her for her looks

before he met emma, jacob was a virgin. he talks mad shit about nick never seeing a girl naked, but he's projecting- he spent too much time focusing on sports and hosting parties in high school to get too interested in girls. he wants people to think the opposite, however, so he tends to unknowingly judge others harshly about how he perceives their sexual experience.

nick had a steady girlfriend in high school back in australia, but nobody at camp really believes him. it's true, though- he had his first time with her when he was 16 and she was 17, and he regards it as a very positive experience. they were quite active together before she broke it off with him (amicably) to go to college in another city. they're still in contact, but they've moved on from each other romantically.

max and laura were each other's first time. max panicked and proposed immediately afterwards because he was raised religious and didn't know sex didn't immediately make you pregnant. laura explained this to max but promised him that she would say yes to marrying him once they weren't newly 18.

[crippleprophet]

(feel free to not respond to this, hell feel free to be like “please don’t do this again”)

so i’ve had join problems for like 3 1/2 years now and they just got diagnosed like 2 week’s ago, turns out i have runners knee

so i feel bad because 1. it feels lit not as big of a deal as i feel like it is (it is a big deal, it’s impacted my life (thank you therapy))

2. i’m worried that pt and more exercise won’t make it better (i’m on my schools swim team, so 4 practices a week during the season, plus a swim meet on friday)

and 3. i feel like (at least for now) i need more support. my pt doesn’t start until february and i can’t remember the last day i haven’t been in pain or had sensations that are probably due to nerve wackiness. i have used a cane in the past and it has helped me immensely. but i feel bad for wanting something that works for both legs. i’ve literally have had 2 dreams about me having forearm crutches.

i’m just really exhausted, sorry for dumping this all on you rn, i feel like even though i was listened to i still was just told to exercise and loose weight

hey, it’s absolutely no problem & i’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this 💕💕

i’m gonna throw like a billion disclaimers on this that, in addition to my usual line about just being Some Guy on the internet, i am definitely responding from a place of trauma here - i don’t know your body & you are the authority on your experiences, i’m just tossing some stuff out there based on my experiences, which might be totally different in other (or underlying physical processes yadda yadda) ways. also like big tw for medical neglect

so. i ran cross country in high school and my joint pain originated in my left knee at age 16, no specific injury or incident, RICE etc barely did anything. xrays and mri showed nothing. tried cortisone shot, euflexxa injections, some sort of topical steroid that was originally used on racehorses, nothing. because i was a runner no one ever considered it could be anything but an orthopedic issue.

i had two exploratory arthroscopic surgeries (which i’ve since learned are as effective as a placebo) with extensive debridement - first dx, plica syndrome, “we have no idea why this was this bad,” cleared to run again after post-op PT, pain came back even worse after ~7 months.

second dx, grade II chondromalacia patellae aka runner’s knee. told never to run again. i knew in post-op PT that something was wrong, this wasn’t the same pain as recovery previously, it felt like the underlying issue was still there. this wasn’t pain of healing, it was making something else worse. my physical therapist didn’t believe me, just kept pushing me, literally told me once that there was no way i was in that much pain. the pattern of swelling, location & sensation of pain, nerve symptoms, etc never made sense to anyone, no matter how many people they called over to poke & prod.

i don’t think i’ll ever know why, especially when he then didn’t fucking do anything with this information, but one day he had me try a lumbar extension stretch. you know the scene in the little mermaid where she’s propping her upper body up with her arms on the rock, waves crashing behind her, triumphant music? it’s basically that pose. it was both the single most excruciating and relieving thing i’ve ever done; even my chronic migraine of 2 years lessened. but we proceeded on a normative linear recovery arc, i got cleared from PT, the pain was better but still there.

flash forward four more years of intensifying pain - first my other knee, then the bottoms of my feet, then more constant and prominent in my lower back, then my upper back & worsening of the neck pain i’d been told and believed was from looking down at books/phone, what i now know as neuropathy increasing all the while - using a cane, then forearm crutches, then a forearm rollator, then a mobility scooter, spending more & more time unable to leave the bed - and i stumbled across an article about ankylosing spondylitis that matched my history fucking eerily, right down to the car crash as a younger teenager. it turns out AS commonly first presents with knee pain, not back pain, in juveniles.

so here’s what i’m gonna tell you: even if it’s “only” chondromalacia, your pain is real and serious and you should listen to your body. and, with again the mega disclaimer that you might be experiencing something totally different, i gently suggest:

read my posts about AS. read my google doc about AS. read anybody’s posts and articles about anything that originates with knee pain, especially if it involves neuropathy.

keep tabs on your body and don’t believe anyone who tells you something is normal until you’ve investigated it for yourself. does your neck hurt? how much? how often? what about your upper spine, between your shoulders? your lower back?

try a lumbar extension stretch, just in case.

if you haven’t been to a rheumatologist before and it’s at all possible for you to do so, do it. if you have a GP and can get a blood workup from them instead, do that. more info on blood testing here - but keep in mind that negative blood work doesn’t rule anything out.

if you can get forearm crutches, one hundred thousand percent do it. make sure they’re sized properly - more info on that here.

do whatever you possibly can to shore up your trust in yourself and your experiences. surround yourself with as many people as possible, in person or online, who believe your pain and make you feel solid in your knowledge of yourself. i’m a big fan of putting up signs with reminders if you can. whether you have chondromalacia, something else, or a combination, your pain is real, it is disabling, and it is in your best interest to develop strategies to cope with the systemic gaslighting that is existing within an ableist society & medical system.

if there is literally anything at all i can do to encourage you, answer questions, etc, please feel free to dm me or send another ask any time. my whole fucking heart goes out to you - you are not the only one who’s been through this, and that is both the horror & deepest relief of chronic pain. so much love to you, may you receive everything you need.

[andrigyn]

Hi, saw your recent post around SJM, eating disorders and giant honkers. So the fictional lady you’re talking about is described as tall with large breasts. Enter me. A real life, 5’11 lady with larger breasts. When I was 16 I was a 32 D. I would also like to point out that I was a dancer, who did ballet, and was excluded from a career because of my height. I’m now an adult and I am a 32GG. During my first year of university, I was incredibly lonely and developed an eating disorder and was the skinniest I have ever been. I can say with 100% certainty that your boobs do shrink. During this time I got measured as a 28E. I was still larger than average but there was little volume and an awful lot of sagging. They were there, but they weren’t great. I was also constantly tired, could never sleep, had pallid skin and terrible mood.

The way nesta was described has always rubbed me the wrong way. Here is a character who is so similar to me in the way they look, described to be going through the lowest point in their life, and their physical description, despite starvation, is giant tits and great ass. It’s simply not how it works. Honestly it’s disgusting to have it represented that way.

Hey Anon, thank you for sharing all of that because we have a similar story!

I have a pretty long history with disordered eating but I've been dealing with a restrictive phase that has lasted 5 years now? I keep trying to pull myself out and it lasts for like, a month lol before I get scared and go back.

When I was younger, I didn't dance but I was very dedicated to my sport and played year round on multiple teams + running track and cross country during the off season to stay in shape. So I am naturally very muscular and curvy (mostly ass though, not boobs) when I'm at my healthy weight. For me I completely lose my ass when I am at a low weight so I can confirm on the other side we also suffer lol.

But you're so spot on like for me as well if I put a selfie of me at my worst vs me when I'm doing well you can just tell the difference it makes to be eating enough. I look genuinely ugly during those times. On top of this, I was never a drunkorexic I would always eat healthy foods, just not enough of it. I cannot imagine how dire of a state she must have been in if her intake was mostly alcohol...

It's really off putting to me to hear how sexualized she was when she was struggling like that, and even if I pretend I'm sjm and I want to write nessian, she could have left those parts out until we saw her coming back to life. But then again she also thought it was ok to have Cassian start having sex with her almost immediately when we know she was struggling and one of her unhealthy coping mechanisms is casual sex.

Hope you're doing better these days <3

[astoldbyalonelyginger]

My first ex, we will call T.

T and I met when I was 16 and he was 15. We both ran cross country and it was my first year on the team. The moment I met him I was starstruck. I had never felt that way before. I remember seeing him run past and he smiled at me, boy was I hooked. He was my first everything, I would have ran to the moon and back for him. We were together for four years total. I was so incredibly close to his family, they became my family too. He broke up with me on Valentine’s Day in 2013 and we got back together that same April. In those two months I was heartbroken like I’d never felt in my life. I’d see him at school and I was so angry. Eventually we ran into each other at school, he was unhappy too, so we got back together.

I didn’t have many friends in high school so I would either eat lunch in a teacher’s classroom or I would go home. I would always try to get him to go home with me for lunch but he wanted to hang out with his friends. In retrospect that is completely understandable, but teenage me didn’t understand. I had to dumb myself down a lot, I had a higher level of vocabulary than he did. When I graduated high school I didn’t think I would be smart enough for college because of this, so I went to school for something “easy” which in my mind was Dental Hygiene. Luckily, the program was super competitive so I didn’t get in. I thought it would be best for me to get an easy M-F job so I could be a perfect housewife for T. T was working at a car wash at the time then later was a surveyor. We both still lived with our parents. I went out of my way to see him as often as I could because I was so in love with him. I worked in retail and he had a mostly day job. Slowly he pulled away. He didn’t make time for me, he didn’t want to hang out. We would make plans and he wouldn’t show up. Eventually, on August 25th, I grew the balls to break up with him. He had a new girlfriend 2 weeks later. The girl I never had to worry about, the girl he didn’t find attractive, the girl he has known since elementary school. In my mind, there’s no way he wasn’t cheating. How could you move on that fast after 4 years with someone? I felt betrayed and I felt worthless. 4 years of wasted time. The only consolation is that they are still together to this day and have two super cute kids. I just wish that they could have been together from the beginning, I feel I stole that time away from them.

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

20 February 2023 Monday 🐮🌕🌗🌘🌑🌒

autocorrect Monday monster I is morning 7:13 7:14 pmpdt

lunes getsuyoubi

7:15 pmpdt auto saved 7:16 pmpdt

Nick asked for “friends with benefits” sophomore year. Junior & senior year I joined track & cross country running teams. At first I used my p.e. Uniform to save money. Then, a new coach offered hand me down athletic wear: 1 black shorts at least (head pain exhaling hot air 7:22 pmpdt) + a few more items I think, I don’t remember well. I don’t remember saying anything about income or financial situation. My dad had probably already lectured me about living within my means so I think I probably thought that using the p.e. Uniform was ok. 7:26 pmpdt for some reason my sister yelled at me in the locker room to stop telling people we are poor. All I think I did was try to recall if I said that to anyone. I think I stared at her silently at this time. My memory is not very good so I am guessing this was the cause & effect. That people were judging maybe about how much money we had based on what we wore. 7:32 7:33 pmpdt

8:04 pmpdt auto correct changed intimate to intimadate in the previous posts. Gurgling a lot. I really feel like I am a liar & a bad person. Maybe incubus is pretending to be my husband Bcz I dated my first real boyfriend & went to family events 😓😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😤😖😭 I hate not being able to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ 8:07 pmpdt. Maybe I said too many bad things about my ex & flings. Maybe I didn’t take enough responsibility. 8:08 pmpdt maybe I slandered ? Was it the curse? Was it the incubus in control? Or was it me? 8:09 pmpdt I wish I could remember everything I ever said verbatim. So I could evaluate now. But with Scott, it seems like maybe he deserved to be talked about. He’s bigger than me, has a big head, & I guess very strong 💪 & probably secretly threatening. If you read a previous post (many posts down) you might read about the time he put his whole arm around my neck like a snake 🐍 at least 2 times? In the middle of making out. He didn’t choke me but he put me in the position to be choked by his arm. & I stupidly kept on seeing him. 8:14 pmpdt & he didn’t respect ✊ me when I said “I dont think we should do this.” I think that’s what I said. 8:15 pmpdt

8:32 pmpdt incubus cut I think maybe under? The diaphragm bone 🦴???? It hurt 😞. I don’t like it.

8:33 pmpdt when we were still friends b4 becoming boyfriend girlfriend I told him that my feelings suddenly dropped/ended for the guy I thought 💭 I was in love with 😍. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if he understood what I was saying. I thought I was communicating my disappointment & sadness & confusion about the feelings suddenly ending. & then he asked if I wanted to see that movie 🎥. 8:37 pmpdt maybe 🤔 he had feelings for me? But ended too, similarly, & had hoped it would come back & work out? 8:38 pmpdt this is a I guess conundrum I heard someone use that word once still have to look it up if I didn’t. I think it means problem. 8:39 pmpdt what are real feelings like?

8:40 pmpdt does real love 💕 exist? How long does it last? My dad told me disappointing stuff I think 🤔 b4 I turned 18, so it’s hard to think positively about anyone saying forever ♾ love 💕, I think I hoped for someone to feel something forever ♾ with, but in this situation it seems highly unlikely. Incubus Merlin 🧙‍♂️ love 💗 potion 🧪 spells 🪄. 8:43 pmpdt goodby happiness it’s automatic 🎶🎼🎵🎤 utada hikaru. 8:44 pmpdt

8:46 pmpdt I guess I should have been more honest. Upfront. He got a nice futon bed 🛌 couch 🛋 out of it though. & s*x w/o full commitment but I guess that don’t mean anything to incubus & uses it as a reason to downgrade me. Even though he had s*x w/ at least 2 people b4 me. I wonder 💭 how he’s doing. If he was treated better than me by the incubus. 8:49 pmpdt

9:10 pmpdt add to above:exclusive? Monogamous s*x & it was my virginity! 9:11 pmpdt pain left upper inner thigh bone 🦴.

1:28 am pdt I guess I’m a slanderer. Pacific i slander. Something I only noticed maybe last year that that looks like that. It’s weird. Bcz it’s only expected of islanders? Then? No one else slanders? Interesting. Billions of people but only those on islands are slanderers. 1:31 am pdt I’m not proud of it. If you read all the other posts you might recall that I wanted to stop talking about Scott back around 2010, sometime after I stopped seeing him. I wanted to set myself straight. Bcz I didn’t feel it was right but I had difficulty stopping myself whenever I was in front of someone who liked me or was trying to be my friend. & it decreased my happiness a lot & I already had difficulty being happy & difficulty liking? myself & being myself, so I stopped hanging out with people. 1:36 am pdt my rib cage feels like a corset again. I hate this. I want to breathe! Some people I had difficulty liking & I wanted to like them. & then I ended up talking bad about them Bcz I had difficulty accepting my own feelings & difficulty understanding? Myself. Headache. 1:28 am pdt my rib cage keeps on getting tighter & tighter. I really believe he don’t like me. Maybe he don’t like Jaycee dugard either. 😞😖😭😤🥵😤🥵 I remember one thing autocorrect said remove now????? 1:40 am pdt what????? Jaycee dugard???? I don’t understand. I remember instant messaging Nick that I got an A+ in our algebra class! I thought 💭 that would impress him. & then he asked me if I would let a guy finger me. Interesting. That was the summer b4 sophomore year, & then sophomore year started, & first day of school 🏫 I saw he got back together w/his girlfriend from freshman year. Then they broke up 🆙 & then he instant messaged me again asking for friends with benefits. 1:43 am pdt 1:44 am pdt 1:45 am pdt

21 February 2023 Tuesday Martest

12:47 pmpdt I remember some of times I lied 🤥. Sometimes I forget & then it comes back to me. 12:48 #3 cramps left shoulder pain. I think 💭 when I was 7 years old I started becoming 12:49 pmpdt

6:12 pmpdt incubus made me vomit 🤮 & then I got diarrhea cramps again. Incubus does this to torture me rob me of my bones 🦴 & health. He’s killing me & doctors 🥼 are taking their time not helping me ASAP. The continued torture only reaffirmed that god is incubus. He treated Virgin Mary like a whore. He kept her poor & religious so she probably wouldn’t chase other men? Treats poor people as whores. Incubus did not properly court Virgin Mary. How could we believe a man would not rape a woman 👩🏼 when he has the power too? He is gaslighting us to say “immaculate conception” or whatever. He is a pimp. & will always be a pimp. 8 billion people with doppelgängers every where. Accomplished goals already or not possible? Continued torture reconfirms he’s bad news 📰. Apep? 6:20 pmpdt I’m burning 🔥 again. Cooked. Yaki 6:21 pmpdt I don’t like diarrhea I’m losing my bones 🦴. He’s trying to cut off my legs 🦵. Prostitution is legal in Germany 🇩🇪? Where have all the good people gone? Are there no such thing as good people? I have made bad decisions but was it my fault? Is nothing a coincidence? No such thing as a test? God justified rape of children 👶? 6:24 pmpdt Bcz I did not think things through like an evil 🦹‍♀️ wicked genius, not premeditated, I always thought if something bad really happened that I would have been caught already & confronted. In the United States 🇺🇸 you have the right to face your accusers. This is probably what they called checks & balances. Without them, anything goes. Separation of duties & powers. But I guess that ain’t what’s happened. I guess what we got ain’t enough. 6:29 pmpdt

6:31 pmpdt will always be world 🌎 w/o end. 2 faced? I need to look 👀 up 🆙 this definition again. 6:32 t

nick carter is a king 🤴? W/ incubus friends & a lot of money 💰 & power? 6:33 pmpdt

7:47 pmpdt

YouTube.com/

watch?v=yzijB7pEzzl

&list=PLKIAQn1vdOt-8DxCHXEfO8RKm7jXsc8Sp&index=9

I hope I typed/wrote it correctly.

i or L don’t know found it in playlists of maroon 5 YouTube. V tour/Asia

7:52 pmpdt I didn’t watch the whole thing this time so I don’t remember the rest of it. 7:53 pmpdt

for some reason I thought 💭 2 girls for every (brain acid & heat burning 🔥 pain $) beach 🏖 boys but it’s good vibrations I guess. 8:06 pmpdt they planned to hurt me for that even though it’s obvious by now w/ Kanye west marrying Doppelgänger of Kim kardashian. I guess people are ok 👌 w/ this. I’m not entitled to complain. I’m easily replaced. That’s the way incubus likes it. Sorry Beyoncé 🎶🎼🎵🎤🎧 8:09 pmpdt

8:12 pmpdt I’m replaced I am replaceable (headache 8:12 pmpdt) I am disposable I am trash 🗑 incubus told me so several times I am replaceable I am replaceable I am not valuable I am not valued yoga 🧘🏻‍♀️ instructor 👩‍🏫? Alana zabel said ice 🧊 out & trashed 🗑 thrown away. No more love. Cold cold heart you’re so cold if love should ever end I promise you I will never breathe again Toni Braxton 🎼🎵🎼🎵🎼🎵🎼🎵🎧 8:16 pmpdt I almost threw up again coughing from being burned 🔥 is this black lung 🫁? I m a non smoker all my life. Relatives had asthma & I got sick from second hand smoke 💨 in daycare during elementary school 🏫 years. 8:19 pmpdt

incuvus talks about love what’s the word unconditional? But men are allowed to have conditions but women are not. If love 💕 ends so easy Bcz p*nis don’t go up, can you say you ever loved at all? Maybe never loved. Doesn’t want to. That’s what song wanna love somebody is about. Something about if I fall for you I will never recover. Sounds like excuse to push women away from serious commitment. Which is why he touches many different women in all his music videos. He likes being a player playboy. 8:26 pmpdt

8:30 🕣 pmpdt love 💕 is artificial for incubus with his incubus Merlin 🧙‍♂️ love 💕 potions 🧪. 8:31 pmpdt

This will never 👎 end & incubus will always justify child 🧒 rape. 8:32 pmpdt

If you like the way he runs things, including child rape crimes, then he’s your god. Not my god she’s threatening to cut off my legs 🦵 he made me look 👀 absurd body = absurd. 8:34 pmpdt

not she. He’s threatening to cut off my legs 🦵. 7:35 pmpdt

I did NOT rape anyone. 8:36 pmpdt

8:38 pmpdt incubus stabbed my left eye 👁. Made me cry loudly. I don’t have a p*nis & I have only touched man genitalia = p*nis with my hands 🙌 & mouth 👄. 8:40 pmpdt I wrote several posts ago. 8:40 pmpdt can I use that word to mean grown man p*nis? Bcz that’s what I meant. 8:42 pmpdt I don’t believe I will be saved. I don’t believe I will have a he happy life/ending. I did not type “a he”. 8:43 pmpdt they’re all liars! He likes to work smart not hard. 36,000 people died in an earthquake. I don’t believe anyone anymore 😭😖😭😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😭😤🥵 8:45 pmpdt

9 pmpdt & my naked vag only touched man. 9:01 pmpdt

9:12 pmpdt stay the f away from me, incubus u & your miñions. 9:13 pmpdt tbh if I was Maluma’s age & we’re both single I would rather try him. 💃🏻🌹9:15 pmpdt

[livingwithlosingyou]

Living with Losing You - 01/12/2023

It’s Thursday! I had an early physical therapy appointment again, and I graduated with my resistance bands! 

And they added extra exercises which was cool. Issue was, my stomach was still really messed up from Tuesday night. I did power through, but that only got me so far.

I ended up working most of the day from home, but I did go to Mission Valley for PT so I work from there for a little bit. I was trying to find Sadie‘s insurance card for her food because she ran out, but I couldn’t. So I had to go and get her a new card today. While I was at PetSmart, the cashier asked me if I modeled and then offered to do a free photo shoot. I guess it’s a compliment? It was a little strange, but it was a pick me up that I needed.

I also got to talk to another friend today which was nice because we had not caught up in a while. I’m also meeting her for lunch tomorrow which will be great. We used to work together.

Practice today was rough from a personal perspective. I tried to run and I almost passed out because my stomach pain was so bad. If it continues I should probably go and be seen tomorrow to figure out what is going on. The team was very excited to see me and I was very excited to see them! I am looking forward to this track season and to the potential for cross country. You would be again, so proud of me. I know you are proud of me currently.

Once I was done with practice, I stopped at the store to pick up some food to eat because my stomach is so sensitive right now, made a quick meal, and then just hung out. My evenings have been pretty chill since I have not been feeling the greatest. Marissa was having a bad day, so I did invite her over to have an ice cream that I bought since I couldn’t eat it. That was a bit of torture.

Really hoping that the stomach pain goes away, and also that my visitor aunt Flo does too. Not to be TMI but also this is my blog lol, I got a new birth control in my arm to hopefully help with the cyst. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is continuous bleeding and has been a while at this point, while over a week. These are all the medical things that you would be helping me with if you were alive, and sometimes it’s really hard for me to go to the doctors because you were my advocate in a lot of ways.

Anyway, I need to find a supplement so I don’t become anemic or something. In addition to whatever the fuck is happening with my stomach. It’s pretty crazy what impact stress has in the body… Really crazy.

Today I also found out that somebody that I went to high school with passed away. It’s very likely that he took his own life as well. He had reached out to me when he found out that you passed, and said that he was so sorry and that he understood the pain haven’t gone through suicide from a personal and professional standpoint. It just breaks my heart that he got to that point. It still breaks my heart that you got to that point.

It really made me think about how I need to live the rest of my life because you can’t. I honor you by living, even when I feel like I want to die at times.

Love you.

Rest In Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

[potteresque-ire]

This post is Part 5 of the five-part meta series on the Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) Incident, based on what has transpired up to 2021/08/22.

1) The 2nd Sino-Japanese War (1937-45) & the Yasukuni Shrine 2) Post-War Sino-Japanese Relations; “Every Chinese should visit the Yasukuni Shrine” 3) The Summer of 2021: The Brewing Storms for One 4) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part A 5) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part B

5) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part B

As a highlight to the mob nature leading to Zhang’s downfall, please consider the timeline immediately before and after Zhang’s losing his endorsements on August 13th (or, why August 13th really mattered):

August 12th, evening: Zhang’s 2019 attendance of a wedding at the Nogi Shrine (乃木神社) went on Weibo hot search, and into public awareness. The Nogi Shrine (乃木神社) is of far less fame than the Yasukuni Shrine, but was named after a Japanese general of the Imperialist Japanese Army who was also the governor-general of then colonial Taiwan.

August 13th, ~ 2 am: netizens uncovered photos of Zhang’s 2018 visit to the Yasukuni Shrine, which were spread onto Weibo and made the hot search.

August 13th, 1:39 pm: Zhang posted his first letter of apology that began with: “Today, I’m ashamed of my once ignorant self, and furthermore, wants to apologise deeply for my past inappropriate behaviour.” (今天我為曾經無知的自己而羞愧，更要對之前不當行為深刻地道歉。)

August 13th, 2 pm: Nabuo Kishi, Japan’s current Minister of Defence, and a right-wing member of the House of Representative, Yasutoshi Nishimura, made an un-announced visit to the Yasukuni Shrine. The date was 2 days earlier than the 76th anniversary of Emperor Hirohito’s surrender speech (August 15th), as customary for Japanese officials to avoid visiting the shrine on significant anniversary dates of the war.

August 13th, 4:39 pm: People’s Daily (人民日報) published an online critique of Zhang’s apology. “… As a public figure, to be so lacking in historical knowledge, so unfeeling towards the suffering of the nation, it’s too inappropriate. On matters of righteousness of the nation, testing is not permissible, challenges are definitely not permissible. If knowingly committed, one would pay a heavy price.”  (。。。身為公眾人物，對歷史常識如此匱乏，對民族苦難渾然不覺，太不應該。事關民族大義，不容任何試探，更不容有任何挑戰。若明知故犯，就得付出沈重代價。)

August 13th, 5:05 pm: CCTV News (央視新聞) posted the video of Nabuo Kishi’s visit to the Yasukuni Shrine.

August 13th, 5:33: Zhang was dropped from his first endorsement. He would be dropped by all 27 of them within the next 5 hours.

August 13th, 5:35 pm: Zhang responded to People’s Daily’s critique piece, stating he shall repent and learn his lesson, and that as a Chinese, he loves his country and the CCP.

August 13th, ~6 pm: S. Korean news reported that the Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs had summoned the Japanese ambassador in Korea to protest the visit of the Japanese Defence Minister to the Yasukuni Shrine.

August 13th, 6:26 pm: CCTV News (央視新聞) critiqued Zhang’s apology. “Whether to take photos in front of the Yasukuni Shrine, or to attend a wedding at the Nogi Shrine, Zhang Zhehan touched the wounds of history, hurt the feelings of the nation. It cannot be blamed on “once ignorance.” Just now, a Japanese Minister went to the Yasukuni Shrine for “demon worshipping” (Pie note: demon, from guizi 鬼子), China firmly opposes to this wrongdoing of Japanese high officials…” (無論在靖國神社前合影，還是到乃木神社參加婚禮，張哲瀚都觸碰了歷史傷痕，傷害了民族感情，不能簡單歸咎為「曾經無知」。就在剛剛，有日本大臣到靖國神社「拜鬼」，中方堅決反對日本政要這種錯誤做法。。。)

August 13th, 9 pm: China’s Ministry of National Defence answered press questions regarding the Yasukuni Shrine visit by Nabuo Kishi and Yasutoshi Nishimura.

Not only did Zhang’s incident happened in August, 2021, it happened on pretty much the worst day for him in August, 2021; the latest of his incident interleaved the unfolding news of the Japanese high officials’ visit to the Yasukuni Shrine.

What I’d like to call attention to, however, is this: Zhang’s endorsements didn’t begin dropping until *after* People’s Daily criticism.

If the companies had been genuinely offended by Zhang’s action, why was the wait necessary? If their Chinese feelings were genuinely hurt, why hadn’t they moved earlier, in the morning of August 13th, when Zhang’s visit went on hot search? Were these companies also ignorant about history, the significance of the the Yasukuni Shrine? The Chinese government has far more important things to worry about than an idol, but what about these companies that had paid good money for their spokesperson? That watch the public opinion, the market carefully?

Even if they didn’t care about the war themselves, why hadn’t they dropped Zhang based on the expected public opinion? What does that say about what these market experts believed, or knew about the public opinion? What does that say about their assessment of whether their potential customers would, as their actual selves, stop spending money on their products because of Zhang’s Yasukuni Shrine visit?

Were the act of dropping Zhang, then, more an act of performative patriotism than anything else? Once the first company started, the rest raced to follow for fear of being the slowest one, viewed as the least patriotic one. Hence, the 5-hour storm of endorsements abandoning Zhang. This herd ... mob behaviour, in which actions were either not taken or all taken at the same time, was also observed in the timing of different online platforms removing Zhang’s works, and fandom content with his name.

A “bingo card” for netizens to cross out Zhang’s endorsements as the sequential drops happened. Similar cards for Kris Wu had circulated in July. 

Were WoH and Zhang’s other group projects removed because Zhang was unpatriotic, or was it because the online platforms (and the tech giants behind them) were trying to protect themselves? Youku explained WoH’s first-time removal as a technical glitch but then, as reports of other platforms removing Zhang’s content poured in, the series was removed again.  

How much is real when it comes to the thunderous online declarations of love and betrayal against China? 

Related to this: turtles may remember the Xinjiang cotton incident in March, 2021, how Chinese netizens harassed anyone who used, endorsed Nike. One may assume, with that outcry, that rage, that anyone with a reputation to keep, with ties to the Chinese state, in particular, have severed their ties with the brand.

As it turns out, the teams of the Chinese Super (Football) League, for example, have kept their Nike kits. The Chinese Football Association (CFA), which, despite being officially non-governmental and nonprofit, is managed by the State General Administration of Sports (國家體育總局), issued a statement on March 27th on Weibo that only criticised Nike’s “wrong actions in choosing its cotton source” (對耐克公司在棉花原料選擇上的錯誤行徑表達了譴責), and reserved “its right to further deal with  contract with Nike” (保留進一步處理同耐克合同的權力). It never cut off the contract with Nike: a 10-year sponsorship,  signed in 2018, which amounts to 3 million RMB (463,000 USD) in funds from Nike for each football club every year. The CFA statement was later removed from Weibo. Photos of the football players have simply had the Nike Swoosh covered up, or photoshopped away. 

Photos from the Shanghai Shenhua football club, with and without the swoosh (Source).

Life is practical in China … and darkly humorous, at times. As a Mao-founded regime should be, perhaps.

I got Asks wondering then: will our non-Zhang-related favourite stars and CPs, dramas and fandoms get affected by the incident?

At the moment, my guess leans towards a no. My basis is this: in the critique piece against Zhang, published on 2021/08/16, by 中纪委 Central Commission for Discipline Inspection—the CCDI, by the way, is the highest anti-corruption, rules and regulations body in China—I believe the reason Zhang was disciplined was clearly stated:

對於所有「拜鬼」行為，中國都堅決反對。但如果我們國內的公眾人物去靖國神社都不被譴責和追究，我們又怎麼挺直腰桿要求外國人不去呢？

“Regarding all “demon worship” behaviour, China holds firm oppositions. But if our own public figures going to the Yasukuni Shrine get no reprimands, no investigations of responsibility, how can we straighten our backs and demand foreigners to not go?”

This has led me to think the state has no ulterior motives in targeting Zhang: Zhang’s “sin” was limited to his visiting the Yasukuni Shrine as a well-known, public figure, and/but that was enough. And the punishment had to be given in a heavy-handed, high profile manner, given the “news “of Zhang’s visit broke out on August 13, 2021. The following observation may be my being over-sensitive, but in the timeline above, Zhang was reprimanded, and his first round of the punishment in full swing (dropping of endorsements), before the China’s Ministry of National Defence talked to the press, which happened later than it had to be (compare the timing with S. Korea’s). Short of removing Zhang’s hot searches—which netizens would’ve noticed—this ordering of events was necessary; otherwise, the Chinese government issuing a formal complaint against Japan for their Minister of Defence’s visit to the shrine would’ve co-existed on the hot search with the report of China’s own celebrity visiting the same place. I therefore believe the state’s reaction had nothing to do with how Zhang achieved his fame, the past and present projects he was involved in, the CPs he was coupled with. Other state agencies and media would likely be careful about not attaching these topics to Zhang’s case as well, so not to distract from the central message of the government that … the Japanese are very bad people in the summer of 2021.

(Whether they’ll attach them to the Clear and Bright campaign is another matter.) 

Another Ask ~ Will Zhang be able to make a comeback? In five years? Ten?

Looking that far ahead is difficult, but one thing has to happen for Zhang to return—the Japanese have to stop being very bad people according to the Chinese government, which isn’t likely to happen soon. The Japanese government has shown few signs that they shall soon revise their attitudes towards their World War II history  (Yasutoshi Nishimura, who went to the Shrine with Japan’s Minister of Defence on August 13th, is associated with a historical revisionist group), while China’s escalating military aggression in the Indo-Pacific region will be seen as a growing threat to Japan, likely push the country towards the right. 

And 5, 10 years later, Zhang will be 35, 40 years old. Even if he’ll be able to work in the industry again, it’ll be difficult for him to achieve the fame he has before. Also, just because the government no longer bans him doesn’t mean production companies will be willing to hire him; he’ll be considered high risk—policies of China are volatile, after all, and the decision to un-ban can be easily reversed.

(I’m so sorry, Anon, I wish I have a better answer for you.)

And... here’s a thought I’ll finally end this meta series with. I don’t see Zhang as the only loser in this incident. I don’t really see any winners in this incident at all. An industry is dangerous for its every worker if its narrative, its list of guilty is penned by cyber mobs and in the name of patriotism; if the accused cannot speak for themselves, aren’t allowed to grow; if its rules of appropriate conduct are every-changing (The Reporter in 2017 = OK; Zhang in 2018 = Not OK); if its workers are penalised not by their own deeds but their associations (the rest of the cast and production team of WoH and other Zhang-associated projects).

The think tank for the National Ratio and Television Authority (國家廣播電視總局; NRTA, ie, the Chinese visual media censorship board), in their criticism piece about Zhang, hinted at even rougher waters ahead, in light of Zhang’s (and Kris Wu’s) transgressions:

明星頻頻「犯事」，說到底還是行業內對明星藝德約束不夠嚴格。據瞭解，電影行業正在籌備全國電影界道德委員會，將對電影從業人員道德規範提出更高要求，並提出，要將明星藝德納入法治化的軌道中來，給明星藝德約束加一道法規之鎖，明確明星的責任和義務，將明星的個人行為與職業利益掛鈎。 “The ultimate cause of stars “getting into trouble” frequently is that the industry has not tied a sufficiently severe bind on the stars’ artistic virtue (Pie note: roughly, = professional ethics). Based on reports, the film industry is preparing a National Film Industry Morality Committee that shall raise the moral requirements for film industry workers. The industry has also suggested that the stars’ artistic virtue shall eventually be governed by laws, to add a lock of legality to the bind of artistic virtues for the stars, to make clear the stars’ responsibilities and obligations, to couple a star’s personal behaviour with their professional (monetary) gains.”

My interpretation of this: should the suggestions become reality, it shall be written in future film contracts that a star who commits an act that the state considers immoral will have to pay the investors the production cost of their projects, and possibly, the projected profit. 

To put some dollar signs to this interpretation: a high-profile star may work on one or more projects with a price tag in the order of 100 million RMB (~15 million USD); box office, merchandise sells, and long term profits expected from online streaming can raise that number by several fold. This is a sum that even the most affluent stars will have a difficult time affording—and that’s before considering the endorsements, for which current contracts already require the stars to pay the damages.

The key word here is that the offending act only has to be considered immoral, not criminal. Immoral acts range from not liking the CCP enough—an easy-to-understand offence—to deviation from the society’s 公序良俗 (“public order and fine customs”), which includes just about anything that disagrees with the state-defined mainstream values.

Stars are stars because they invite the imaginations of their audience, because they break boundaries: from the seemingly insurmountable humdrum of daily life, to something that can be much, much more.

Stars should, of course, be law-abiding; they should be patriotic. But a star who’s mainstream in every way? Are they still a star, something we regular people wonder about, dream upon?

Bind and lock, the NRTA think tank referred to these suggestions. It reminders me of a quote by the famous Chinese director, Feng Xiaogang (馮小剛), who, in 2014, complained to BBC—perhaps in a slip of tongue—that Chinese directors could be like “dancing with fetters” (戴著腳鐐去跳舞) when working with the country’s censorship system.

Yeah. It’s kinda like that.

===

The Zhang Zhehan Incident Meta Series:

PART 1  PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 <- YOU ARE HERE

[rillianeriver]

After 12 years, Vampire Knight DS finally has a patch (fan-made english patch). I am very excited to play it on my 3DS (sadly, I have yet to get a DS).

I hope I could find a nice DS soon. It's so hard to find a pink one in my country these days and if I did they are too over-priced. I might end up importing from Japan. 💕

Although I can play DS games on 3DS, I much prefer playing them on an actual DS.

This game was my favorite anime when I was still studying.

I really really wanted to play this game so badly when I first learned about its existence but due to the fact that it was a Japanese game and I don't understand Japanese, I didn't really play it much and I kept on looking for fan translated copies. I am very happy to find out that they finally released an english patch for this game today. 💕

Thanks so much to the translation team who made this possible for fans like us.

Read more here:

You can also download the english patched version here:

I figured some might want to skip the process of patching it themselves or has no access to the original Japanese rom so I uploaded it here. You can also find them online.

This is a dream come true for my 16 year old self (when I first learned about Vampire Knight). I remember the days when I was franctically trying my best to find a way to play this game in english. 💕

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 4 Feb ‘21

Confirmation is here at last of Harry’s role in the film adaptation of My Policeman, brought to us by queer fave Greg Berlanti (and his husband). Harry will costar with Emma Corrin, who you may remember from the at the time inexplicable seeming Harry/Emma cross promo last August-- given the pains they took then to emphasize that the relationship was platonic, one assumes this film will go for a different promo tactic than the current one! They share a stylist though, so they’ll no doubt be beautifully coordinated. Harry will play Tom, which some people object to on the grounds that Harry is the wrong person to play the role of a closeted man which is certainly… one opinion. Aaaaand there’s plenty more of that discourse (and about him playing a policeman) to come over the coming months so I’ll just leave it there for now! Anyway and as for that current project, we got more DWD set pics today, featuring Harry in various costume outfits! There’s ones where his character looks bloodied, and ones where his character looks clean but absolutely terrifying, grown up frat boy from hell looks to give you CHILLS, plus some of Harry as Harry in a bright orange hoodie designed by his friend Kunichi Nomura.There was also {moustache spoilers} some weird facial hair on display. Okay then!

Project Defenseless has been launched to push Defenseless up in the streaming charts and push for radio play! The fan single project offers resources and organized pushes to get people streaming and promoting on all the platforms and reaching out to radio, and has fans making lots of very cool edits besides! “I see what you’re doing with defenseless! You are all incredible!” said Louis. That song is such a fitting choice for this kind of project! Its journey has been all about the fan response from back when Louis played it for us for the very first time in 2019 (it was the one everyone was screaming about from soundcheck clips for the few hours between that and hearing the songs for real even) and afterwards he told us about how although he’d always liked the song it clicked for him in a new way after getting the fan reaction, saying “something happened to it when I performed it live, and ever since then it really kind of got me,” and “the fans make everything sound amazing, they made it sound so good,” and “the fans for whatever reason really took to this song, so now it has a special place in me heart definitely”. Plus of course there was the long saga of fan stress when it seemed like it might not be on the album and rejoicing when Louis finally definitively confirmed that it would be, after what seemed like might have been a reversal on his part due to the outcry about it. And now she’s climbing all kinds of charts like a the star she is! The song shot up on itunes (#3 worldwide, #1 in 16 countries) just for starters and the project has only just got going. Louis commented on the stats-- “An album track off an album that’s a year old. You lot blow my fucking mind! Thank you so much!”

Louis also commented on a Jack Saunders (BBC indie music DJ) tweet and followed guitarist Johnny Took of the DMAs on twitter which is weird only in that he didn’t already.

There’s news about Zayn’s Zach Sang interview, and it’s not the most surprising news but it is very sad; Zach says “hi beautiful humans, this convo was scheduled for last week but we got a rain check from his team. this conversation can still happen, it ain’t over yet! we’ll keep ya in the loop. I listened to this album 7 times! we’re determined” Well... damn. However Zayn DID pop up with some spon-content but like… the WEIRDEST ad content?? It’s for Coors Light and, well I’ll let Zayn tell you about it! “They’re gonna see if they can put a commercial inside your dreams... which is kind of messed up.” HAHAHAHA I have nothing to add! What Zayn said!!! “So we’re gonna give that a go and uh see if it works,” he says, sounding appropriately skeptical, followed by “wish me luck”. Does this kind of sponcon count as malicious compliance? Technically he DID say the stuff he was supposed to- and he’s doing an instagram live for them Sat, supposedly. I can’t wait to see how that goes! Wish him luck! The latest installment of the NIL comic book video series is also out today, but just one this time instead of a pair. This week’s song is Connexion and the new comic shows us that the figure pursuing our hero is, drumroll-- himself! The call is coming from inside the house!

Unlike interview shy Zayn, however, Gigi is out there ready to overshare, as long as it’s to Vogue. She has plenty to say about giving birth to zaby Khai (newly revealed nickname: Khaiba) at home at the Pennsylvania farm. The article says that they decided to have the birth at home due to COVID placing restrictions on hospital births that would have prevented Bella and Zayn and Yolanda all being present, and after she and Zayn watched the documentary The Business of Being Born. “They placed a blow-up bath in their bedroom and sent their three cats and border collie away when the midwife expressed concern that the sphynx and Maine coon felines might puncture the tub with their claws,” the interviewer learns while horseback riding with Gigi. The article also says Zayn “caught the baby” but it isn’t a direct quote from Gigi and I’m thinking a bit of an exaggeration perhaps. Gigi had the baby at the Hadid family farm but she and Zayn have since relocated to live at his farm, which is nearby, where they say they will be raising the child, with Z’s mom Trisha coming to stay to help out for the first month, that Khai sleeps with them, and that Zayn said his experience of the whole thing reminded him of the birth in a lion documentary they’d watched. Neither mentioned it but it has been spotted that Gigi and Zayn each now have tattoos of the name, Khai, in Arabic.

Meanwhile, Niall surfaced only in golf guy mode- a Modest Golf announcement and a podcast appearance to promote the new Modest initiative to get young people into playing golf. He says they want to “get rid of that thing that’s been holding golf back for a long time, that it’s a boring sport…” and I know he means he’s trying to combat that idea but when I tell you I LAUGHED!