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sian22redux · 6 years ago

Text

Entanglements

by sian22redux

For @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan ‘s Angsty writing challenge: Star’s Marvel Mayhem

Prompt: ‘He was acting like our kiss had broken him, and his reaction was breaking me.’

Bucky x reader

Rating: M

Summary: The fight for love is sometimes harder than the mission.

How Bucky and Y/N of Private Party came to be together.

Timeline: After Wakanda of Black Panther end scenes, but assumes IW is over and he’s safe.

Tags: oral sex-mentioned, het, canon-compliant mayhem, hurt/comfort, angst, angst, angst

Thank you so so much to the heroic @wheelrider for expert beta’ing, even in a fandom that is not hers!! And to awesome @theycallmebecca for checking it worked!

—————————————-

The first time it happens, it is just a drunken hookup.

The party at Avengers Tower is star-spangled, loud, and pulsing fun; rare vodka fueled and graced by the hottest DJ in New York. You’ve left your uniform and new medal of valour in the hospitality suite Miss Potts has thoughtfully laid on. Donned a slinky black cocktail dress and four-inch heels and walked into the space on Mr Stark’s arm, blushing at his gushing praise.

Thank heaven this evening event is more relaxed than the White House’s lavish ballroom. Your knees had knocked so loud you were sure that the President had heard. Visibility is not your thing. Or speeches. But your few heartfelt words had tumbled out, applauded by brass and dough-faced senators and Bucky had stood, smiling, looking oh so perfectly edible in a charcoal suit. He’d winked at you, a shining in his eyes that was almost as bright as in the moment your marksmanship had saved his life.

Perhaps you hadn’t imagined his yearning after all.

Tony plies you with whiskey sours, and sometime after the fourth (or fifth?) Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson coax you out onto the dance floor. Time for some fun. Bucky stands and stares and takes it in: Steve’s hilariously sloppy groove, Sam’s easy sway. He’s frowning adorably, critiquing every move until he’s had enough of watching amateurs. He sets down his beer, absolutely murder struts out onto the dance floor, and with a ‘my turn punk’ rips you from their arms. The music settles into something smooth and slow (has Steve’s had a hand it that?) but then suddenly Bucky leans in. Cheek to cheek and hip to hip. There’s a fire blazing up inside that takes the pair of you by surprise, and when Bucky whispers, voice molasses dark and slow, “Doll, let’s escape,” you go.

Oh god.

You wake up so hung over it feels like you need to shave your tongue. Your dress is nowhere in sight and Bucky is sprawled out on his stomach. The bedclothes are mostly on the floor, his evening tux makes a trail of black and white against cream carpet and your (only) lacy underthings dangle off the lamp.

Fuck, what were you thinking?

Weren’t, obviously. You’d let the heady abandon of the evening, the crackling electricity between you both mess with your hard-earned self control, but it just can’t be. This man is your assignment, the one you are set to guard from the tentacles of a wounded, dying global empire that is trying to grab hold.

Best not to stick around. You lever upright, stagger to the washroom, run a wet hand through your tangled hair and try not to notice the lurid hickey on your collarbone.

Your dress is underneath the dresser (?), you slip it on without a sound, but ugh, the shoes are a pain: your feet are swollen from dancing for so long and so you fumble, trying to do up the flimsy straps. Finally, the prong slots through the tiny hole. All set.

Just as you find your purse and reach across the bedside table for your thong, a silver hand shoots out and clasps your wrist.

Gently.

But not planning on letting go.

“Doll, where ya going?” Bucky cracks one eye open and the corner of his mouth quirks up. “No one’s on this morning. Tony promised.”

“Got a briefing,” you lie, wincing internally, hating yourself for doing it, but this is a one-time thing and you do not plan on speaking of it.

Again.

Or ever.

The disappointment that clouds the lazy sparkle in his eyes is something to avoid. You hastily turn away, but at the door you pause guiltily for far too long. At last, you speak to the quiet resignation from the bed.

“Thank… thank you.”

Safe. Or almost. Steve Rogers wakes up early. He’s showered after an early run, set up in the kitchen; got french toast frying and washed wineglasses in the drain tray. He’s grinning. Wide and hopeful just like an excited Labrador.

“Breakfast will be ready in a jif.”

You blink in the too=bright space and think, Fuck my life.

“Captain… uhh.”

What the ever lovin’ hell should you say??

Sorry, can’t stay after banging your best friend. Can’t eat cuz I might just puke. Or better yet…yes I have read DAOD 5019-1 but this does not constitute inappropriate fraternization across the ranks.

“Not hungry, Corporal?” Steve shrugs those massive shoulders and flips a tea towel across his arm, peeking at the toast’s browning underside. “Suit yourself.”

You do.

But no regrets.

It had been too wonderful for that.

—————-

The second time it happens, you tell yourself it is just the frantic release of relief.

It’s been another too-close-for-comfort call. Six months past cryo in Wakanda and the insanity that was the Infinity War, and you’d think in the aftermath the remnants of Hydra would no longer care. But they do, and can’t help but see he’s back, and if they can’t control the Asset, they want him gone.

There is a careful balance between keeping Bucky safely whole and actually giving him a life.

You’re walking up out of the subway into Battery Park’s wintery sun, a hologram cover hiding your M24 because you just can’t saunter past New York’s Sunday shoppers and happy families pushing strollers openly armed to the teeth.

Bucky’s a block in front, sunglasses on and hood of his dark puffy jacket pulled right up because camouflage is necessary and the stiff southwesterly off the Hudson is cutting through the naked trees. He’s heading for the SeaGlass carousel where he will stand and smile, hands sunk deep in pockets, remembering the original aquarium he and Steve delighted in another lifetime ago.

After two months of tracking him on every outing, you know him well.

James Barnes loves plums and granola bars. Extra whip at Starbucks and hunting for old comic books. The Hayden planetarium and giant, hairy, slobbery dogs. A fresh trim means things are good because Nat can get close to him with shears. A fringe of days-old stubble means he’s having harder nights. The triggers are gone, but not the memory of what he’s done. When he stops, stock-still in the middle of the sidewalk, lips moving and new hand clenched into a fist, you know he’s centering. Running through a routine in whatever language comes to his head.

At least he is a better subject than most. Always watching. Baseball cap or hood pulled down, changing his route each day, not making it easy on the goons who might dog his steps. Or you.

It’s part of what makes this detail fun. This day he’s slid into an empty booth at Gigino, near enough the front for light but not so near he hasn’t a good view of the door. The notebook’s out, bristling with sticky tabs like a multicolour hedgehog. You are sitting diametrically across, scanning everything around but him, cuz hit men don’t all look like Brock Rumlow after all and folks carrying things in bags make a prickle at your nape. Your unobstructed view down the gravel walks is good, but somehow, a figure by the Liberty dock sets the hairs rising on your arm. Hunched. Looking back too often to the restaurant. Arm akimbo and hiding something.

You whisper urgently into the comms, hustle out of the doors and fire on the run. It’s a challenge but not long range, nothing like the shot before, but precision is the thing. You have no intention of damaging any of the good folk around.

The subject drops. Bystanders freak, scattering in all directions, and even as two agents materialize to cluster around Bucky as a precaution, he looks unerringly across at you, recognition and open longing on his face.

Yeah. Well. Me too, pal.

You melt away into the shadows, and after the NYPD have it all locked down, you find yourselves thrown together back at the Tower for a hastily convened debrief.

Coulson’s reviewing footage and Fury’s frowning, tapping impatient fingers on the tabletop, talking about the need for better eyes, but you’re having trouble focusing.

There’s a thirst in Bucky’s eyes that matches the one making your nether regions throb. God, how good would it be to strip off the Stark body armour underneath his vest. Press your skin along the length of him and feel every hot, hard inch. Too good. To be avoided, but beside you the metal hand flexes back and forth. As if he’s read your mind.

“Soldier?” Fury’s question drops like a bomb into your awareness. Neither of you are listening, too aware of each other to focus on mundane things like strategy.

“Umm, yeah…” Buck licks his lips and starts again. “I mean, no, I don’t know any more about that sleeper cell.

Fury turns to rake you both with his good eye. After one eternal minute, he shakes his head, looking more bemused than mad.

“Get outta here. Both of you.”

You don’t need to be told a second time.

Buck stalks out into the hall and you follow, thinking how it was too close a call and you are pissed Hydra’s not backing down and goddammit why are the other agents letting these shitballs get so very close and it’s almost like you are vibrating

Fuck. Wrong choice of word.

Your skin is positively alive with how aware of him you are, nerves jangled, sparking white hot arcs of lust, and then he has to make it worse. He turns and devours you with those ocean eyes as he slams the button for the elevator.

Hard.

With his prosthetic hand.

The thought of it on you again makes your bones almost liquefy.

“Steve’s off doing PR.”

The few spare words are said with a crooked grin, eyes challenging, and like lightening you are both struck on. Somehow, your legs are wound about his waist, lips locked, your back up against the cool mirror of the elevator wall, so engrossed you don’t notice when the motion stops. His metal arm bangs through the apartment and bedroom doors, makes the hinges scream in protest, and then without warning the axis of your world flips over. You are both horizontal. On the bed, frantically shedding clothes until his cock sinks into your molten core. You arch your back with the utter bliss of it, strokes hard and fast and frenzied, rising higher and then, inexplicably, he stills; drags his lips off your nipple to stare intently at your face.

“Y/N I ain’t gonna last. I…”

You open your eyes and catch his gaze. His eyes are dark and wide and filled with wonder. As caught off guard as you by the pure fury of the need– but oh you are not going there. Not thinking about how right this feels, how close and perfectly in tune you are. Nope. Nuh unh. This is sex, not making love. Scratching an itch. Purely mechanical.

“Bucky, move!”

You flip up your hips just so, knowing instinctively what it will do to him, and pull his hip bones closer, tighter, until you’re both grinning and he’s moaning, long and low, shuddering as he spills and you come apart, shining in the afterglow.

This time you deliberately stay the night.

You curl up into the crook of his flesh arm because you’re weak. Just can’t pull yourself away. It’s warm. And easy. And some part of you wants the peace—for him and you.

When you eventually awaken, stiff and achy, smelling of sweat and musk and the haute perfume of the disguise you never bothered to wash off, the sun hasn’t risen yet. Bucky’s dead to the world, face soft and slack in sleep, so beautiful and vulnerable it almost hurts.

For a moment, breakfasting together flits across your brain, but no. Way too risky. Too much like normal couple life.

You slide out from under a heavy bicep and set your feet soundlessly on the chill of the floor, ignoring a lazy snuffle, but, by the time your shrug back on your (ridiculous) Dolce coat, the worry line has settled on his brow again.

Damn. For a few precious hours, the perennial mark of his mistreatment had erased. You want to run a finger down it, smooth away the shadowed ridge with a soft caress, but you do not dare. That is exactly how another bonfire could ignite.

Instead, you gather up your rifle, activate the hologram and tip-toe away. Like a thief in the night or a spy who’s set a honey trap.

You text him ‘sweet dreams’ because this is not the bitch you want to be…

————————-

The third time it happens—well, it’s just pure weakness…

You are, of necessity, an expert at disguise. Part of a scout-sniper’s training is advanced stalking skills, keeping yourself hidden from a target just five feet away in rough open bush; you’ve done that and mastered alternate camouflage for downtown New York. Four changes of outfit a day if Bucky’s going far. Rocker grunge in ripped jeans and blue streaked hair. Finance exec in Burberry trench and heels. Thank heaven platform sneakers with lace and skirts are a thing; easier to run in those.

Bucky may not pick you out, doesn’t know exactly where you are, but he knows you’re there. Today, your hair is brown, next week redhead, after that could be pink: anything but your natural, and naturally noticeable, pale blonde. It’s like a game—you hiding and him guessing where you might be. He shows it (and how he’s memorized every conversation that you’ve had) in little actions meant just for you.

One morning, he ‘just happens’ to be forgetful and leaves a cup of mocha/hold-the-whip on the bench where he just sat. Another scorching afternoon, he buys your favourite Oddfellows miso cherry cup and leaves it safely in the shade of a blue postbox. Once, he spends two hours stalking every exhibit at the Met’s armory museum because you’d admitted you’ve never been. (You like old rifles. What can you say?)

How can you not fall for this man? He’s sweet and kind and deadly. Wants the best thing for everybody if not for himself, and will soon become impossible to resist.

Scratch that. Is. Is impossible to resist.

Damn his super hearing. One lunch strolling past Agent Provocateur, he catches your quiet sigh at something flirty but way, waaay out of your snack bracket and, the next thing you know, he’s marching into Victoria’s Secret. Cruising the racks in exactly your right size. Leaving the pink bag wedged behind a subway seat.

Collecting it is just not wasting money, right?

It goes on like this for weeks, until the day the teasing shit walks into Narcisse, buys chocolate body paint and leads you straight back in the direction of the Tower.

Oh god.

This necessitates yet another reconnoiter with wardrobe at the safe house. No one thinks twice about a well-groomed Chanel-suited woman visiting Tony Stark.

When the morning comes and you crouch, hand poised above the new skimpy scrap of lace, silently agonizing whether to bring or leave, Bucky sits up in bed. Confused. Dark hair temptingly messy and fingers reaching out.

“Y/N? Where’s the fire. It’s early yet.”

Fuck, he makes this so very hard. Bucky wants something for himself and you want to give it, but this is, if not exactly wrong, so far from right.

“Ah…” You don’t know what to say. The sheets are rumpled low about his hips and the comforter sprawls across the floor. He’d shoved it off. Kneeling between your legs to plunder you mercilessly with his tongue.

Oh, Christ, Y/N, don’t think of that.

“I want to get in a run.” The lie comes easily. You hate running, but he doesn’t know that yet.

“Gonna hafta change those heels,” he chuckles, stretching languidly. “You’ll need your coffee first. Steve said he’d put some on first thing.”

You pretend to relent, smile and plant the softest of kisses on the knotted scars of his shoulder.

“See you later,” you murmur, intending to go straight on home, but Steve Rogers has other plans. Ever the gentleman and always up with the birds, he’s made pancakes. And sausage. And fruit salad with blueberries.

The table is already set for three.

In the awkward silence, he misunderstands why your mouth is open.

“Syrup or sugar and lemon juice? Buck’s mom was British.”

The assumption you don’t understand the condiments is just too much. Turning him down again would be far too rude.

You sit, wrinkled disguise and all, and take a bite of bacon, realizing you have slept with the subject eight times over three different nights and you had no clue what his mother’s background was.

The fact you want to know is somewhat startling.

From down the hall, you hear the whoosh of water beating down and an adorably off-tune whistle. Your faithless libido says if you’d played your cards just right you’d be in there too. Soaping up his six pack and the dimples in his butt cheeks. Going yet another round.

Desperately, you hide your flaming cheeks in a perfectly foamy cappuccino, but Steve isn’t fooled.

“You know,” he remarks, casually forking up the detritus of an entire fluffy stack. “Buck never has nightmares when you are here.”

It’s a hard lesson, but one you obviously have to learn.

Again.

Never, never underestimate Captain America’s mastery of tactics.

———————————–

A week, a month, and you fall into a routine. Bucky’s shadow in the day and his teddy bear at night. A watcher on his six. Fire when he needs it and softness when he does not. That he’s let down his guard and become intimate with someone shows just how far he’s come. A growing part of you wants to do this, cheer on every little bit of taking back himself; but another part says stop.

You pride yourself on your skill and professional approach. Dispassionate execution. It is part of the reason you are so very good. You do not get distracted. At all. You’ve got no baggage. No serious exes clutter up your past. You have not spoken to your folks in years (their commune frowns on ‘making war’).

It comes as something of a shock to need your daily dose of Buck. Sarcastic jokes. Lips like silk. Muscles rippling underneath your touch.

It shouldn’t matter but it does. The mission is to protect him.

Even if it means from yourself.

———————————-

It is the shot, just a few centimeters stray, that settles things in your mind.

Sure, everyone has rougher days. Aim a little off. Skin jumpy and so tight it messes with your zen. But not you. Never you. Your concentration is absolute. You just can’t miss and that is exactly why Coulson first brought you in. Ms. Hill, in charge of Stark’s security, wants the best of the very best and you are it.

Next to the man you are sworn to protect.

Barton’s grinning and looking at the minor spread on the target sheet, leaning casually on his bow. “What are you thinking of, Y/N?“ he laughs, blue eyes sliding up to your face. “Sure ain’t your work.”

Your cheeks flame up. He doesn’t mean it. This is Clint never passing up a chance to take the piss but still it gets your brain cells firing. What were you thinking of? Slim hips in black tac pants. A stubbled, chiseled jaw. Silver fingers cradling the barrel of a gun.

Shit.

Bucky’s standing not ten feet away in the next corral and, fuck, you can’t help yourself. It’s the first time you’ve seen him all that day and the need flares up; wild and feral and messing with your head. You want to know how he’s doing. Ask about his bout with Steve, see if he wants to grab some lunch, make sure he’s eating right because he’s looking a little hollow in the cheeks and…

Stop.

You’re shocked and frankly terrified. Is this love? Infatuation? A school-girl crush? Your heart is raw but what is this for him? A diversion? Something steady? You have no idea, you don’t get much time to talk but you know what it shouldn’t be: too serious. He is still recovering. You’re his rebound and it isn’t healthy. Buck needs to date casually, get a better sense of himself and Jesus fucking Christ he is your job.

If Coulson or Fury find out, they’re entitled to put you on report. A black mark on your copybook. Though that isn’t what’s got you truly rattled.

You have to be a perfect shot.

For him.

His life depends upon it.

When you finally find the courage to rip the bandage off, you learn first hand that bullshit in Russian has an awfully familiar tone.

Bucky’s a solid wall of disagreement, arms crossed over his chest. “Babe, it doesn’t have to be this way.”

“It does.” You raise your chin. “I am here to protect you. I can’t do that when my focus is…distracted.”

“It’s not that way for Nat and Clint.”

Really? You file that new tidbit of gossip away for more analysis, but still have to regretfully shake your head. “Not the same. They’re a team, trained to work in tandem. This is different.”

“It’s not.”

“It is.”

“Not true.”

His certainty that you’ll relent begins to melt away. “Y/N, don’t do this. I thought we had something. Were working on it. Can be something more.”

“Please.”

He falls silent in the face of your hard bitten stare. Lost eyes dark and pleading. More like a kicked puppy than a famous murderbot, but still you hold.

You can’t. You wish you could, but no.

“It has to be this way for me.”

To blunt the hurt, you stretch up on tip-toe to press a delicate apology to his lips.

Bucky flinches, acting like your kiss has broken him and his reaction is breaking you.

‘I thought we had something?’

The accusation rings in your ears all the days to come, but even tears don’t put the heart fires out.

——————————-

You do your job. Break down and reassemble your gun for the soothing repetition. Keep well away. Do exactly what you need to do and not one iota more, but watching him all day is torture.

Both of you are miserable.

You hide it. Bucky not so much. His blue eyes lose their spark; become haggard and bloodshot. You know you’ve put the dark bags there, but at least they’re there, you tell yourself when another hit gets foiled.

Everybody notices. On those rare times you have to be in the Tower, Steve remains so professionally polite and clipped it’s just like being shot. Next to him, no one knows. You sit, mute and hurting, inconveniently placed beside Pepper and Maria at a SHIELD event, taking in Natasha’s blistering attack on ‘the gold dipped bitch’ who’s hurt her friend. They know Bucky, too. How much the silent, morose Soldier is a capitulation; how working through hurt makes it harder for him to keep the last dregs of Hydra programming at bay. You hate yourself for it. But there really is no other way and now you realize, it’s getting harder. Your concentration’s worse if anything and it would be kinder to stop torturing you both.

The sick reality falls like lead into your stomach.

You can’t be there at all.

————————-

You never planned to work for SHIELD.

You’d enlisted at age eighteen because with no formal schooling and no degree, Uncle Sam was the only outfit that would promise you a job. Your long-honed hunting skills were evident in basic; refined in sniper school until you were something of a legend. You’d set your heart on Special Ops, did every extra ribbon and rotation but still were not sent to the front. Women were not then given combat roles. It sucked. And if your superiors were sympathetic, they still attached you to endless close protection details. Sent you to the AMU competitions. Ignored your increasingly strident, respectful pleas for reassignment until you’d thrown your resignation papers down and marched straight off the base.

Seemed like just minutes passed before a bland, grey-suited man tapped you on the shoulder.

“Miss Y/N?” said Philip Coulson with a smile. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

Nick Fury is the best boss you’ve never officially had, because sometimes your Army cover is somewhat helpful and Phil swiftly arranged for your resignation papers disappear.

The rest is history.

——————————

“You want to be reassigned.”

“Yes, Sir.”

You will not squirm, but the Director, away from prying ears in his secure coordination room, is fixing you with his patented thousand-metre stare. “You really want to go back to Fort Bragg and do paperwork? Get trotted out when they need an affirmative action photo shoot?”

You groan. Ugh. They will and you know it, but anywhere than SHIELD is the objective. Better a clean break, you think, but Fury’s not done with you yet.

“I hear the First Daughter had some death threats. FBI’s asked us if we can spare a gun. We could reassign you to Sparrow’s detail.”

Oh fuck no. The President’s petulant and self-absorbed teenager burns through agents faster than she raids Bloomingdales.

It takes everything in you to do that nod.

Fury’s one visible eyebrow nearly hits the roof. “You are serious.”

“Sir. I am.” You’ve called his bluff. You stand to attention and wait for it. The serious suggestion you know is coming.

“Thing is, Y/N, we were going to recommend you for a new assignment,” Fury paces, hands behind his back and shoulders to the view. “It involves training. As hard as anything you’ve done.”

Really? You’re skeptical. You’ve done the Rangers even if they didn’t let you in the field. Toughed it out with the toughest the Army had.

What he says next, nearly has your jaw upon the floor.

“We want you permanently cross-posted to the Advanced Threat Containment Unit. Watch Sergeant Barnes full time. Close in as he transitions to his next new role.”

Surprise makes you blurt out the first thing in your head. “You can’t mean on combat missions?!”

“Mhmm.”

But that means… “You’re sending Bucky back into the field!”

“Got a problem with that, Corporal?”

Your mouth is hanging open. “But you can’t…”

‘I don’t do that anymore’ rings in your ears.

“You’re going to let him…”

Fury looks, not mad, but entirely amused. “Not do assassinations, no. But let him train and participate.”

“You can’t,” you stubbornly repeat. He’s stupidly reckless. Prone to throwing himself headlong into everything. Not completely healed. “Not ready,” you finish lamely.

“You disagree with the psych eval?”

You shuffle your feet. This is thin ground. SHIELD does not employ folks with fake degrees. “No, Sir.”

The Director smiles, as warmly as you’ll get. Which is to say, about as a warm as a melting icecube. “Good. Sergeant Barnes needs someone who has his back and Captain Rogers can’t do that leading from the front.”

So true. But also why Bucky shouldn’t be out at all. “Sir, he forgets…” To care about himself enough.

“Precisely why I’ve suggested you be assigned. You are the best markswoman we have got. Look, I’m not entirely happy with this either, but he can’t sit and knit forever. Stark says he’s ready. The -ologists say he’s ready. And he’s spending his days moping around the compound too much.” You wince inside, knowing the cause of that. “Getting some of his own back might even help.”

It might.

And someone will try to take Bucky out again.

And he will be focused on everything but himself.

Shit.

There is no choice.

You know you can keep him safe.

Fury, the bastard, just stands and cracks his deaths-head grin.

———————————

Training with the Avengers is more brutal than anything you’ve done.

Steve’s in charge, and Nat. Both merciless. Both focused on honing you into something more than a gun. It’s brutal and physical but that isn’t the hardest part.

Bucky is there training, too.

It feels like being a cat on a hot tin roof. Circling each other. Carefully. Two negative terminals on a magnet—repelling as far away as they can get.

“Corporal.”

“Sergeant.”

You’ve said no and Bucky is bending over backwards to be polite and perfectly correct. No physical contact outside sparring. No first names unless you can help it. No interaction at all, outside missions, to be honest. Tony, oblivious (at least you think he is), organizes movie nights and BBQs that you mostly miss. You follow Buck’s lead, keep yourself more closed than usual. Socialize with your old SHIELD squad when you can, haunt your room when there is no time.

It takes a toll.

You are not, by nature, a recluse but this is how it has to be. You can’t stand the brief flashes of disappointment in Bucky’s eyes, the wariness with which he interacts. They cut at your resolve. Shred it, until you’re forced to shut out everything but mission goals.

They come and go. Days. Weeks. The strain coils higher, but you tell yourself you are doing it for him: the man whose eyes haunt your waking moments. You become a shell, sapped of life and desiccated, but each shot is crisp and clean. This makes it right, but not natural. Eventually, you switch roles like understudies in a play. He is the pro, silent and efficient as he does his job, while you are the damaged one, snapping at every little thing, recklessly taking risks, heedless of your own safety.

It all seems worthwhile until the day you walk silently up the empty ramp for the Quinjet and find Steve and Sam huddled by the cockpit.

They don’t hear you slide like a shadow into your berth.

“His nightmares are getting worse.”

Sam whistles low. “Worse? Man, they were bad before.”

Steve slowly shakes his head. “It’s like Wakanda before he went in cryo. I honestly don’t know how he is even functioning.”

“Yeah. But the shit truth is there nothing you or I can do about it.” Sam sounds resigned. “Unless he comes clean on what it is that’s eating at him, and you know he won’t do that easily. Dude’s too stubborn.”

“He’s not the only one.”

Steve, you realize later, says this for you. His eyes bore like a laser into your forehead when he comes over to sit down, shrugging his five-point harness on.

“Corporal.”

“Captain.”

“You good?”

“Yes, Sir.”

You fiddle unnecessarily with the heat shield on your stock. Out of the corner of one eye, you can see him frown, loop his fingers into his belt and sigh, but you know he won’t call you out, won’t give away your private business to anyone. Still, the optimist in him can’t help but hope. Steve Rogers is really like a giant collie dog that shepherds a whole flock of misfits—he isn’t happy unless everyone’s set right; and you and Buck are waay out on the fringe. It feels as if the solid, brooding bulk of his suit is willing you to change your mind. But you are stubborn.

(A trait that you and Bucky share, along with snark and an obsession with perfect lattes.)

While you wait for everyone to load, you keep your head down and bite your lip, worrying about what you’ve heard. Fuck, if Buck’s not sleeping that makes both of you, and to do this job you need to be on. You’re good. You’re fine, you can tolerate a little sleep deprivation, but Bucky—that’s not right. Years of cryo and mind-wipes have messed with the circuitry. He needs sleep to heal, more than most, and you shake your head, knee vibrating like Clint’s bowstring, dreading but anxiously awaiting for him to load.

You don’t have long to wait. Nat and Clint clatter past and take the pilot seats, Tony swans through and starts briefing Steve with last-minute intel and then Bucky’s there. Stowing his gun and hiding behind a fall of dark, lank hair. You’re shocked. It’s been a week since you saw him last, in the common room, but oh god he is worse. Clearly. He barely responds when Clint does a system check. Grunts at Steve’s chirpy welcome. Falls into his seat across from you and that’s when it starts. The sense of failure. The hurt that the brutal truth is you are making this all worse; doing exactly what you had wanted to avoid.

Bucky’s not safer with you there. He’s more in danger and the knowledge of it sucks out all the oxygen.

You spend the three-hour trip and first half hour of the ensuing firefight under water, surfacing for precious gulps of air between the mounting pressure in your chest; like your harness is strapped down way too tight.

You thought that you’d be helping him, but oh, Y/N, you are really not.

You need to leave.

Entirely.

Goddamn it hurts, but you have no time. The heinous bastards who have grabbed a SHIELD tracking station have their dander up, are resisting with all they’ve got and you need to be on your game following as Bucky’s cover. You leap and sight, neutralize another target still feeling like you can’t get air, watching his lithe form duck and roll, mercilessly slamming a terrorist to the ground.

His face is all dark angles and unhappy shadows. Lined and smudged, a ghost of the man who’d smiled, run his fingers through your hair, gently nuzzling at your neck

“Babe, I could stay this way forever.”

The flash of memory is like a sucker punch to the gut.

You’ve screwed this whole thing up.

Can’t do your fucking job cuz you gave in and slept with the man who is your mission and now you’re… what?

Miserable in his company. Miserable without.

In love.

Fuck.

This is not how things should be.…

You’re drowning in the unhappiness, but even with a red haze of doomed understanding filtering across your gaze, you can’t not see it.

The motherfucker three hundred yards away taking aim at Bucky’s head

You need to pot the asshat now–but your view is obstructed by the base’s cell tower and, so, you leap out, aim and squeeze, heedless of your own back. The concrete behind the man’s dead eyes neatly disintegrates in a spray of elegant debris and your world dissolves in a rain of stabbing hurt, like a whole river of gravel is fired from the sky.

You fall.

There’s a roaring in your ears and the breathlessness is getting worse. Iron and smoke tinge the soup of dust and rock and gas that your lungs don’t want to breathe. Concussion grenade, must be: and, at first, you struggle, but the twisted beam that roofs your little world won’t even shift. It’s close, pressing on your chest and you will yourself to fight the panic down. Don’t disturb it. Don’t make the situation worse. You want to laugh at that—fuck no—all you do is make situations worse— but the breath in hurts like full-on hell.

That has to be good, doesn’t it? It’s when you don’t feel anything you’re going down…

Ok.. just…lie. Breathe… take inventory. There’s a trickle of blood running from your hair down through your eyes: you can taste it upon your tongue. Your left hand stings, but your right is just lying here. Numb. Not moving. Broken probably, but that is the least of your concerns.

The pressure of the beam bears down steadily.

And with it your space to get some air.

“Y/N!”

From somewhere to your left there comes a voice. Faint and muffled. As if someone is shouting way way far away and you realize—this is it. You are going to die. No ones gonna arrive in time but weirdly you are ok. Bucky is allright. You saw him flip and roll away. That’s good…that’s everything. You cough on the settling dust and steel and try to take shallower breaths. Your heart’s too fast and the air’s too thin and you close your eyes. Float, indistinct at the edges. Nothing hurts too much right now. It’s good. You can close your eyes and drift away.

“Y/N!”

This time the call is muffled but louder: anguished, as if everything in the world is wrong.

A chunk of steel is wrenched away and for the first time a patch of light shines through the dim.

“Y/N, are you hurt?!”

You blink through the blood that gums your lashes. Bucky’s there. Shoulders wedged into the impossibly tiny space, eyes wide with something you are sure you have never seen.

Fear.

You want to ease his mind, but words are a little hard. “I’m ok,” comes out more wheeze than whisper.

“Hang on, we’re gonna get you out.” Bucky barks into the comms for Sam, and help, and oxygen. He turns and gingerly shoves aside the loose jagged chunks of steel to make a little space. When there’s a hand’span of pavement clear, he dips down on his left, grimacing and flexing up against the beam.

There’s a slow metallic groan, an endless pause, but eventually it lifts just barely.

But sadly not enough.

The fuzzy world is whiting out, dissolving in a ring of sparks.

“Y/N!” He frees a hand, shakes you roughly and sends a lance of agony through your chest. “Stay with me, babe, stay with me. Cavalry is coming.”

But we don’t have any horses…

The wry smile on his face is blurry. You must have whispered this out loud. He closes his eyes, resets his metal hand down against the pavement. Flexes up again. “Aiighhh!”

The monumental effort gains another precious millimeter and the sparkly whiteness starts to fade to the indigo of his vest.

“What? Can’t you hear the hoofbeats?” Bucky is shaking, sweat beading on his brow but above there is a whoosh and the carbon ion smell of repulsor jets.

“Got it, Barnes!”

“Took you long enough!” Bucky sags just slightly, protecting you in case something shifts, but mercifully the metal does not move.

Sam is crouched behind. You dimly hear his coolly calm instructions. “Barnes, don’t let her move. Pretty sure those ribs are broken. Can’t risk a pneumothorax.” Bucky squeezes out, disappears through the gap but is quickly back again, metal fingers softly pressing a cannula to your nose. The dizziness fades some more.

“Better?” His Brooklyn accent aches with hopefulness.

You nod, warily taking a deeper breath, feeling clean, cool air rush in. Fuck its good but lord it hurts. At least the world does not swim. Bucky reaches to brush some damp strands from off your brow and Sam passes a pad into the gap. You hiss as he presses the treated gauze over the worst of the cut. “Sorry. Sorry.”

He glances around the narrow space. You’re basically in a coffin. Just wide enough for your hips and long enough for your feet. When you flex your foot, your toes touch something that feels smooth. A dish? A beam? The girders of the tower have toppled like a marionette’s arms and legs when the control strings have been cut. “Gonna take a bit to cut this mess. Properly, so it doesn’t shift.”

Bucky’s right, but you’re worrying about the waste of time. “Is it safe? The cell?”

You mean the rogue Hydra group, the reason why you’re here, because if it’s not, Jesus, you are going to thump him hard. You’re useless pinned. But if there’s shooting still going on…

“Relax, babe, we got ‘em. That grenade was their hail mary pass and it’s failed. Steve and Clint and Nat are mopping up.”

Thank God. Some of the tension bleeds away, like steam from a radiator. You shiver, shock starting to set in, and, tenderly, he drapes you with a silver thermal blanket. It’s better, but now it’s time to wait. Bright arcs of light shine through the cracks and you know Tony is working as fast as he can, but still it’s hard. You’ve been strong forever, but the fear you’ve held a bay is now too much with Bucky near.

A whimper escapes your lips.

“Shushhh, baby,” he croons, leaning near to cup your cheek with a warm hand. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s all gonna be ok.” But it really isn’t. His other one, metal reflecting Tony’s blazing work, keeps stroking your tangled hair. This close you can see a forest of tiny scrapes and nicks and cuts upon his dusty skin.

And the ever present smudges of tired grey below his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You’re stammering. You’ve been selfish, you see that now. Doing what you thought right and best for him. Totally certain you had to be the one to help and all the time the ache of want has never stopped.

It doesn’t matter. You need to be strong for him. Move on and let someone else have the watch.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

You’re not sure what you are speaking of: holding yourself together while he kneels and strokes your face, or staying at his side. Both make sense. The sounds of working are getting louder. “Barnes, I’m almost through,” crackles through the link.

A cool metal finger strokes your brow. “Hey, not much longer now.”

You turn your head, catch the light in his worried eyes. “No..us, side by side.”

There, you’ve said it. SHIELD med will patch you up. Ship you out to base where you can crumble into dust somewhere on your own.

It’s brutal but better than being an irritant. Scratching endlessly at the scab of him.

“Goddammit, Y/N. You don’t have to go.”

His growl is not hurt but sheer frustration. There’s a storm in his eyes and in the flat set of his frown. Bucky wriggles a little closer in, cradles you like the most precious thing in all the world. “Fuck, it takes this battered brain a while, but, babe, you gotta hear me out. I get it now. You’re terrified that serving alongside someone who means too much makes you vulnerable. Messes with your skills–but it doesn’t have to be that way. There’s a shakedown sure, for a little while, but Clint and Nat–they manage. Wanda manages with Viz. Steve works alongside me and we may not be lovers but our bond is just as strong.” His lips pull into the saddest smile. “I fucking need you. You. Y/N. Not the Corporal with the medals. I need you everywhere. At night, when the monsters in my head crowd close and, in the day, when I need a snarky smile. You are best thing I have had in my life and I can’t let that go.”

Bucky’s face is almost pressed against your cheek. It’s that smile, soft and warm, and just for you.

Fire in the night and a watcher on your six.

“I’ve tried, Doll, I really have, but it just doesn’t work. I need you, complicated as it is. And I won’t let you give up on us. Not without trying, anyway.”

His whisper is rough with meaning. He huffs out a little sigh and presses an achingly gentle kiss across your bloodied lips.

This time his kiss breaks you….

——————–

tags: @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @theycallmebecca @mewsiex @emilyevanston @mycapt-ohcapt @pegasusdragontiger @winters-beauty

@badassbaker @heather-lynn @saffreelove @loricameback @nomadicpixel @missfirstavenger @prplprincez @marvel-lucy

#star’s marvel mayhem challenge #sian22redux #engtanglements #bucky barnes #reader #prequel to Private Party #angst #smangst

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