#What's the best Sonic movie credits song (so far)?

[polling-sonic-fans]

What's the best Sonic movie credits song (so far): Speed Me Up, Stars In The Sky, or Run It

Thanks anon! Polls for the Sonic fandom on just about anything. Share polls you like to get more data. Asks and submissions always open.

[nervouswreck-96]

Specific Sonic Movie 3 thoughts

Now that I've had time to digest the thing

Unpopular opinion: I maintain that the second one was the worst of the three. The first movie was probably the most detached as an adaptation, but I still think it was a better-made film than Sonic 2 despite its own hang-ups. The third film surpasses them both. I haven't seen the Knuckles show yet but I heard it drops off a cliff after episode 2

Tails was probably the MVP of the movie. He was disappointingly underutilized in the second movie (even though he was in the logo!) but they more than made up for it here. This was probably his best showing in anything since I got into the franchise. Tails fans stay winning 2k25

There wasn't a scene in Sonic 3 that was as bad as the extended wedding scene or the Siberian bar dancing scene in Sonic 2. The laser dance sequence comes close, but that's about it.

Jim Carrey can play a surprisingly effective serious villain when he gets the chance to.

Knuckles was kinda nerfed in this movie, but he did have his moments.

At first I wasn't too fond of the idea of them keeping Gerald alive in the present, but they actually did a half-decent job of at least making the change make sense...even if it is just an excuse to have more Jim Carrey antics to attract the normies

This seems like a weird complaint to have, especially after everything that happened in 2024, but I feel like we didn't have enough Shadow in this movie. It felt like his appearances in this movie were spaced out way too much.

I was kinda bummed when they announced that Keanu was voicing Shadow (mostly because I was pulling for Hayden Christensen) but he did a really good job.

The credits song was awful. I can't sugarcoat it. I would have liked to hear that "power ballad" that was apparently rejected, because it couldn't have been any worse than what we got. At least the animation was cool.

It's funny how after the trailers came out everyone was freaking out about how Sonic was going to be working for G.U.N...and then that part lasted roughly five minutes and he actively decided to split from them immediately. Aside from one guy, G.U.N. was consistently shown to be malicious and incompetent throughout.

Even the hack composer stepped up his game for this one. This was the best score out of the three films by far, even aside from the Live & Learn stuff.

I might catch flak for this, but I'm not a big fan of how SCU Amy's model looks so far. It's like they modeled her face after those uncanny-looking fanmade models on DeviantArt. I really hope they refresh her model before Sonic 4 comes out like they did with Shadow.

[crusherthedoctor]

Alright, Crusher. Let's open a can of worms here. What are your top 5 favourite Sonic games in order, and what do you like about them? I'm really curious as for as long as I've been following you, you've only mainly focused on the bad aspects of Sonic, both the games and the fandom, both new and old.

I'd say I give praise to the things I like more often than you give me credit for. Yes, I've criticised IDW and the Twitter/YouTube community a lot, but have you not seen all of my posts relating to the movie? :P

Still, any opportunity to gush about the good is appreciated, so here we go. Note that these lists tend to slightly change depending on the day and mood, and this one is no exception. Also note that I actually like a lot of Sonic games, so it's never easy to narrow it all down to five.

1. Sonic Mania - It's a very close call between this and #2 below, but Mania edges out just that little bit more due to the additions of Mighty and Ray, the gorgeous graphics, Tee Lopes' fantastic compositions, the Hard-Boiled Heavies, the brilliant reimaginings of old zones alongside the equally amazing new ones, and the clever Easter Eggs and little references sprinkled throughout the entire thing. A gargantuan amount of love was put into this game, and it shows and paid off handsomely.

2. Sonic 3 & Knuckles - Sonic 1 and 2 are great, but the one that gave us the & Knuckles meme will always be my favourite in the Genesis trilogy. Sonic 3 - the full Sonic 3 - makes it very clear from the moment Sonic jumps off the Tornado that it's a step up from the first two not just in gameplay, but presentation as well. For that reason, I guess you could also say it has my favourite “story” out of all the games, since due to the more cinematic nature of the game, Eggman really gives it his 110% from start to finish, without getting fucked over at any point. It's a simple yet grand adventure to stop the Death Egg from relaunching, and I always have a blast with it.

3. Sonic Adventure 1 - This is a game that I like more and more as time goes on. I used to enjoy it enough, but wasn't super impressed with it, to the point of putting it and SA2 in the same rank. But since then - possibly due to comparing it more thoroughly with SA2 and other 3D installments - I started to appreciate so many details great and small. Despite kicking off the alternate gameplay schtick, everyone not named Big is still fun to play as (and even Big honestly isn't that bad, since you can complete his story very quickly). Its soundtrack is one of my absolute favourites in any video game, and despite how aged the graphics may be nowadays (and the downright hilarious character animations), the environments are still really lush and retain a whimsical edge. Chaos also remains the best of the giant monsters, though that’s hardly a difficult feat when looking at the competition.

4. The Sonic Advance trilogy - Cheating, but it is my top five after all. The first and second installments were the first Sonic games I saw and played respectively, but even putting nostalgia aside, they hold up as solid titles on the GBA, with some of the best music and graphics on the system. The third one is more flawed due to the occasionally weird level design and some other design choices, but I still have fun with it overall, and the team-up gimmick lends itself to some fun combinations.

5. Sonic CD - As far as level design goes, I think it's just okay for the most part. But everything ELSE really elevates it IMO. With the time travel mechanic, the game is allowed to tell a story without saying anything, like S3&K would later do. The zones (sorry, rounds) are given a lot of different contrasts between their different incarnations, and every last one of them are pleasing to the eyes, even the dilapidated Bad Futures. Eggman also told us in song to Get Some Help, which was really thoughtful of him.

If you're wondering what the #6 runner-up would have been, it’s a tie between Generations and Rush Adventure. :]

[themoonstarwarrior]

PLAYLIST SHUFFLE TAG!

Okay, so @viterbofangirl tagged me in this and I need to start learning to post my own shit, so what the hell, why not?

Rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to! put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 15 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

(I couldn’t stop at 10 so I added 5 more, sue me)

I have very random music taste and I listen to my music on shuffle alot, so I made a playlist of the ones I like the most (that way I don’t hafta skip 150 songs to get to the one I feel like) so I’m gonna use that one.

1) History of Violence - Theory of a Deadman

Hoo boy starting off light huh?.... Yeah so, I was in the drive thru at Sonic when I first heard this on the radio and was immediately like “holy shit”. Instead of like metaphors and poetic subtlety, it’s just straight up like “here’s a poor abused woman who resorted to murdering her shitty boyfriend/husband cuz she couldn’t take it dum dum dum”. Even though the actual situation is not the same, this song is perfect for getting across the internal issues and turmoil of my character Mikey. Its so perfect I’m even planning to animate something for it...... if I ever get around to learning animation that is.....     

2) The Vengeful One - Disturbed

Two songs in and I look kinda emo.... But hey this song is soooooo cathartic! I love me a good heavy rock song, and the drums and electric guitar are perfect for my ears to absorb. This song gives off a feeling of overwhelming power mixed with a coldness and disdain for the bad in the world. Obviously, thats not my usual temperment, but its an interesting one to explore! Especially when I’m trying to get into the head of characters that exude that like my OCs Spark or Ryu. Plus its fun to sing in the car X)

3) Enter Sandman - Metallica

Okay this one is just a classic! Same thing with the drums and guitar they both slap SOOOOO GOOD. I don’t really associate this song with any of my characters or fandom favorites, but it DOES give me a super strong urge to learn the drums. EXXXXXXXXIT LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! OFF TO NEVER NEVERLAND!!

4) We Are Giants - Lindsey Stirling ft. Dia Frampton

I don’t really to listen to music by band or artist, but I LOVE Lindsey Stirling!!! She’s probably my favorite musician! This is such a good song, especially for someone like me. Its a positive song that talks about feeling alone in a crowd and unimportant to the world, but how you really do matter and shouldn’t be afraid to dream big and shoot for the stars. It really speaks to me and the vocalization is so good (especially for singing), not to mention the official music video is animated and AMAZING!

5) Cetus - Lensko NCS

I dunno if anyone knows this song, but damn its good. Its one of those Royalty-Free songs that people look up for their channels, which is how I found it in the first place, but I loved it immediately. Its a peppy 8-bit electronic bop that turns a little Irish jig at the end and honestly I think if I ever start an animation channel I’m totally gonna use it! (Also go support Lensko he make good beats!)

6) Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru

I did not grow up with Kingdom Hearts, and only played KH2 within the past year n’ a half. But good God, the moment that Cinematic Opening came on and this song started playing I swear I astral projected into a daze of feelings without names. I know that “Simple and Clean” is the quintessential Kingdom Heart song that gives everyone feelings, but IMHO Sanctuary blows it out of the water. As beautiful as the animation was, or how curious the occasional backwards lyrics are, or how weird it is having high-res Goofy and Donald in what is essentially an anime opening, I really can’t be distracted from this song when I play.

7) Chemical Plant Zone (Rock Remix) - Zerobadniks

Chemical Plant Song is like, one of the TOP Sonic songs by popular vote (and we know how awesome the Sonic series is musically so thats saying something!), but I could never quite vibe with the normal 8-bit version. I think I first heard this as someone’s ringtone and was immediately like “THATS PERFECT THATS EXACTLY HOW I NEED IT!”. The rock makes the song soooo much better and honestly gives the song the perfect vibe. Unfortunately, it took FOREVER to find cuz none of the Rock Covers of this song were the right one. In fact, tbh, I’m not even sure whether Zerobadniks is the correct artist..... that’s just who everybody was crediting when I found it. 

(imma include the link i found since its a little hard to find: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJiZEM6aPI )

8) The Wolf - SIAMES

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEOS???? THIS IS A GOD-TIER ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEO. I found the video first, and seriously, if you haven’t seen it YOU NEED TO!!! The beat works perfectly with the images on screen and the story being portrayed is really intriguing, with the lyrics adding to atmosphere without necessarily describing the visuals shown. Even without the animation, the song itself is a banger. It bring to mind the feeling of intense motion forward, but unable to decide whether its movement TOWARD something or AWAY from something. I love listening to this on a nighttime drive.

9) Burn the House Down - AJR

If you ask me, the best way to make a pop song better is to add either violins or trumpets. For this song, it was definitely the trumpets that first caught my attention, and the rest of the song kept me listening. I don’t really know how to describe the vibe of this song, and I don’t have a specific character or story in mind when I listen to it, so its a little hard for me to talk about it. I think the best way I can describe this song and what draws me to it is a feeling of nonchalant go-with-the-flow attitude to shenaniganry. Almost an undertone of “We’re hooligans in a situation that we probably should get out of, but hey we’ve got life and each other so why worry?” At least that’s the closest I can get to a verbal description heh...

10) Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell - The Offspring 

DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!!!

So this also has a KICKASS animated music video, but its technically combined with the song “Dividing by Zero”. Now the video works SO well with both, and the shifting artstyles reflect the differing tones of the songs PERFECTLY. However, I have a preference for both the animation and the song on the Slim Pickens half. Its fun to listen to and sing at the top of your lungs and its SO CATHARTIC. Again I cant really describe what my head does when I hear it, but I think you can probably feel a similar vibe if you watch the music video. 

11) No Heaven - DJ Champion

The first time I finished the original Borderlands, I had been playing for days on end, had just finished a long battle with the Destroyer, and sitting back relieved to have beaten it and reflecting on how much I had enjoyed the adventure. Then this song started playing. For what I believe was forty minutes this song looped on my TV while the credits rolled. By the time the credits finished I was pulling up the song to listen to again! What an absolutely PERFECT cherry to add to this experience. This song perfectly encapsulated the chaotic, trigger-happy, morally ambiguous craziness that I had enjoyed and absorbed in this game. Every time I hear it now, I imagine myself in the wastelands of Pandora, driving haphazardly across the sandy dunes as my companions and I shoot and blow up everything in sight. You know, living the dream.......     

12) Hit & Run (Wolfgang Lohr Remix) -  The Electric Swing Circus

I fucking LOVE electro-swing! The electronic beats and rhythm blend so well with the wild and energetic freedom of swing. A lot of electro-swing gives me a vibe of wild movement, reckless abandon, and freedom from constraint. I think this song melds all of these feelings the best! As the last song might have indicated, despite my general nice and sweet temperament, there is a part of me deep down that is an absolute gremlin secretly enamored with chaos, insanity, and a general disdain for law and authority X). But whereas anything Borderlands related has a more “morality is an illusion blowing shit up is real” air about it, this song is far more peppy. More of a “good-hearted but insane” type of chaos, like an 100mph car chase where you end up sailing over the train tracks JUST as the train passes.

.... I may have gotten a bit off track lol 

13) Kickstart my Heart - Motley Crue

I love this song, but I have to be VERY careful when and where I listen to this. I love songs that make me feel like I’m going a million miles per hour, like I’m gotdam Sonic the Hedgehog. Unfortunately, I may or may not have had multiple instances of listening to this song in the car and abruptly realizing that I’m going like 15mph above the speed limit...... So yeah, regardless of absolutely perfect it feels to play this song while speeding down a nearly empty highway, please be careful and drive responsibly!!!

14) I’m Born to Run - American Authors

Imma just up and say it. This song is a Sonic song; like not like actually from the series but a song for the character. This song encapsulates Sonic as a character better than some of his ACTUAL THEMES (and remember Sonic music are bangers!). Its a song about freedom, living life as it comes, and not letting anything slow you down. Frankly I’m surprised they didn’t make this song FOR the Sonic series, or even the movie! Speaking of which, ironically I heard this song right after watching the Sonic movie in theaters, so yeah there’s no way I can associate it with anything else. 

15) Opa Opa - Antique

Oh, what a PERFECT way to end this list! This may be one of my absolute favorite songs of all time! I don’t remember exactly how I found this song... I think I had just relistened to Dalar Mehndi’s “Tunak Tunak Tun” and was looking for other catchy non-english songs and BOY HOWDY I found one! I know nothing about the band or what the song’s about (its in greek and i dont speak it), but this song is just a masterpiece of retro, pop, and dance sounds. This song feels like the musical and lyrical manifestation of dance and movement. I really REALLY wish I could dance JUST so I can express how happy and free this song makes me feel! This is the BEST song for me to end this list with!

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JESUS, this got long..... Sorry about that XD. It was fun though, and hopefully somebody was vaguely interested in my ramblings.

Guess I need to tag people now? How about @tharkflark1, @rockmilkshake, @neonbuck, @drawingsdrawingseverywhere, @birthgiverofbirds, @puccafangirl, @kalcat, @biblestudybussybopsbabey, @monstrous-milktea, and @memecage! I think there are a couple of people here I haven’t talked to though soooooo..... hi, I hope you don’t mind the tag X)

 Anyway hope you enjoyed and/or want to do this too! This took for-fucking-EVER to type, so imma go fuck off and watch youtube or something now...

[crystalnet]

Pop Music in Ghibli

If you mention Ghibli and soundtracks in the same breath to most people, the first thing they will likely think of is Joe Hisaishi-senpai’s prodigious and immaculate compositions, BUT it occurred to me recently that there’s actually a great amount of pop music showing up in a handful of some of my very favorite Ghibli films. They’re more rare compared to the instrumental tracks, sure, but in that way it might be even be more impactful-- especially for plebeians without an ear for vocal-less music-- when they do show up. Click through as I explore pop music in 5 Ghibli classics. 

#1- The Wind Rises: ‘ "Hikōki-gumo" (ひこうき雲) by Yumi Matsutoya

Okay so hearing this song on a recent viewing of this film was the whole impetus for writing this. By hugely influential and popular song-writer Yumi Matsutoya, this closing-credits track drops just in time for a full fatality against the viewers’ emotional fortitude- if it remains in tact at all by that point. Between the bittersweet lyrics-- which corresponds beautifully with a plot point from the end of the film-- a righteous hammond organ part and this heart-breaking melody, it all just becomes a bit too much, in a great way. 

Mrs. Matsutoya here is outright indecent towards our emotions here. And I love it. In addition to that, the track counts as only one of a few instances of a pop song in a Ghibli joint serving as the closing track. So uh yeah, go down a rabbit hole of Matsutoya’s music if you wanna explore the wonderful world of vintage J-pop/city pop etc., and you will not be disappoint. Also, this isn’t even the first time one of her songs was used... her debut in Ghibli occured 2 decades earlier in....

#2- Kiki’s Delivery Service: ‘I’m Gonna Fly”- Sydney Forester

Okay, so this is not another Matsutoya song. But in the original Disney release of Kiki, this song stood in for what was in the Japanese release a rather different, rockabilly-pop song from one of Matsutoya’s early albums ‘Rouge no Dengon‘, and this has since been corrected on subsequent releases. Tonally they are pretty different, but they both share a level of charm. This English replacement is way cornier though, but I imagine whichever one you grow up with will be the superior and preferable dose of nostalgia. I’m tainted by living with the original 90s English version for so long, that I get really thrown off in the first 20 minutes if, mid-maiden voyage, Kiki turns on her radio to Matsutoya instead of this funny little stand-in.

Speaking of Kiki’s radio, this is one of only TWO instances I’m aware of in which the pop song is diegetic within the film-- meaning it actually comes from a source within the actual world of the movie-- at least sort of (it’s that kinda pseudo-diegesis where the volume of the song makes it clear that it can’t actually be coming from her little radio). This song just really has a kind of saccharine horse-girl charm which I love and I feel like it matches the movie’s atmosphere pretty well despite being modern sounding, whereas Kiki’s world seems to be vaguely set in a version of the.... 50′s where dirigibles never went away? Never really thought about it actually. 

But yeah, these weird contract-based one-off recording artist concoctions are always kinda fun. They remind me of weird tracks from the Detective Conan opening themes where you just wonder about how and why they come about. Ultimately though, Disney probably made a good choice. The song occurs early enough in the film that it might do some work towards dissuading any reservations younger viewer-- or their parents-- might have after wading into such a then-exotic animated film such as this. It gently reassures one that despite appearances, this film CAN be a movie for English-speaking Americans. Plus I mean this lady’s voice actually rocks. I feel like it helped sell the movie to my older Jewel-listening sisters when we were kids and for that I’m grateful~

#3- Only Yesterday: “Omoide No Nagisa”- The Wild Ones  (and much much more)

Okay so Only Yesterday is stuffed to the brim with tons of pop music and other cultural ephemera, far too much for me to parse through now (maybe deserving of its own deep-dive post) but I’ll focus on one that shows up early in the movie.

(This isn’t full track, for some reason the only full version on youtube will not embed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRlKvOiXgjo

This track plays during one of the early memoir-esque narration-heavy flashback scenes. It’s before we are fully thrust into those more washed-out, impressionistic coming-of-age sequences, and are being lead gently into that world by way of recollection from the now adult protagonist. She is remembering the craze in 1966 around “group-sounds”, a genre in Japan that was clearly partly indebted to the British Invasion happening on the other side of the world. 

I like the song a lot because I can hear the Beatles, Kinks and Monkeys etc., but it has it’s own really unique flair on top of that influence. I hear smokey curry and coffee shops. Fuzzy bunny-eared television signals. I think of young fresh-faced Japanese Boomers experiencing a newly technicolor world of pop-culture. The echo on the mic pick-ups whirs in my mind pulling me back toward a “simpler time”. 

The appearance of this song early on is a tip-off to the unfurling of a particularly globally-minded and varied soundtrack in this film which continues to surprise throughout the runtime-- it is my second favorite Ghibli soundtrack after ‘Totoro’ by far and that usually has to do with the incredible Bulgarian choir music that appears, but stuff like this Wild Ones track is just great too. Whether the male-lead/love-interest is playing that Bulgarian “peasant music” via his Toyota’s cassette player or we are getting a history lesson in early J-pop/rock, it’s all particularly tasty. There’s even a couple appearances from music from Japanese children’s television.

A lot of the referencing is nigh impossible for this westerner to parse, but all of it--save for one track-- is pretty ace. That one let-down for me is yet another pop song in the form of the ending credit-sequence track, a Japanese cover of ‘The Rose’. I think Bette Midler is just not a tasty association for an American of my ilk and so even if the rendition is tasteful, and the ending scene is beautiful, it remains the only time I’m let down sonically in the movie. 

Before I move on, it’s worth mentioning that the movie itself may be named after an American film OR a song by the Carpenters. I can’t be sure, but I kinda wish they actually used this Carpenters track to close the film instead of ‘The Rose’ but maybe it was a licensing issue. Anyhow. Perfect movie. 

#4- Whisper of the Hear: “Take Me Home, Country Roads”- John Denver/Olivia Newton John/Various

Okay so the way this song factors into the movie is way different than anything else we’ve discussed so far. I’ll embed the Olivia Newton-John rendition that the film opens with as opposed to the Japanese version that plays in the ending, because uh, as cute as it is, the vocalist (who I think is just the main-character’s voice actress?) is pitchy as hell (maybe in a twee, intentional way?) 

But so yeah, this song is a big part of an initial and reoccurring plot-point in the film which has the young protag. translating the American song into Japanese with her school friends. It’s a slightly illegible plot-point if you watch the English dub, but it basically comes across. According to Wiki, the producer of the film’s daughter actually supplied her lyrics which Mr. Hayao himself supplemented, which is just too cute. In the film, her version is called ‘Concrete Roads’ which has some nice thematic resonance with a lot of the angst that shows up in ‘Pom Poko’ regarding the suburban developments which sprawled out from Tokyo and other major Japanese cities throughout the 20th cent., encroaching on that same beautiful countryside that John Denver was initially sending up.

In a climactic scene, the protag. nervously but triumphantly sings the song along with her magic-boy boyfriend and his grampa’s grampa-friends, and uh yeah it’s cute as heck. 

The film is based on a manga, and though I’m too lazy to research this much, I assume the manga was the first to introduce the concept of centering so much of the story around a relatively benign country-pop tune such as this. But I mean, the choral arrangement in the intro of Newton-John’s is kinda emotional as hell. Mountain-momma indeed. 

#5- My Neighbor Totoro: Ending Theme- I don’t know...

Alright we’ll end with a sampling from the best of the best. I’m not gonna force too much “research” for this ‘cause like, I don’t know man, I just don’t wanna do anything that would remotely threaten to extinguish the magic. And I refuse to ever listen to the abomination that is the Disney re-dub. But I understand they re-recorded these tracks for that. Which, like, why? I’m also assuming the songs were pretty faithful translations of original Japanese tracks, because they’re just too good to have just been created for the western release. Like Hisaishi has to be behind those kalimbas and synth-lines. The lady’s voice basically sounds like my mom to me(?) and the dusty patina on her vocal-track alone kinda makes me wanna weep. 

And I kinda hate when people just joylessly parrot internet meme terms, but this song is what I would be unable to not describe as a “bop”. I mean the drums alone rip. 

This song has a sister-track in the form of an introductory credit-sequence song which accompanies a ridiculously cute visualizer, and they’re both just perfect matches for the joyful, innocent and exuberant nature of the film itself. Elsewhere on the OST, this is basically the last time that I’m aware of Hisaishi using synthesizers and it’s just glorious. Get this man on drum-machines and synths again! So uh yeah, I mean it’s all just great. What else could I say? Best soundtrack of all time period. Full stop. The end. 

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Ok that’s that. Keep in mind, there’s like a small hanful of Ghibli I still haven’t seen so there could be some major instance I’m missing but uh, maybe I’ll update if one day I find out there’s a straight up Utada Hikaru song in ‘Princess Kaguya’. Oh and uh yeah there’s this one in ‘When Marnie Was There’ by one Priscilla Ahn . It’s like a b-side of the Kiki song but not as good as that makes it sound like it’d be. But it’s horse-girl-core as hell. So uh yeah.

see ya space cowboy~

[blapisblogs]

After that song ends and Corey Taylor gets a glimpse of something we’ll come back to later, we then cut to “young Corey Taylor” getting smacked and sassed by... Rob Scallon as the teacher? Yeah, Doug not only got Corey Taylor and his son Griff for this, he also brought in another musician. At least he got to contribute more to the music in this “review” than Corey Taylor did. Apparently he’s dating Tamara Chambers and that’s how he got involved with this (which makes the fact that Tamara’s here as one of his “students”... awkward at best), but judging by how desperately he’s tried to erase any mention of his involvement with this after the severe backlash it got, I’m guessing that he now regrets this. Anyway, hello, other Doug Walker regular Malcolm Ray. I have no clue who the other two “students” are, but I can only guess that they’re other regulars for Doug’s stuff. (Edit from the future: I think the other guy’s name is Walter? I know nothing about him except he works for Doug and I guess he likes Power Rangers.) All of them have high-pitched dubbed-in voices (I guess to make them sound younger in a “funny” way), and it’s really grating. Like... If you’ve read through my liveblogs about Sonic X, then you remember how I hated it whenever Bokkun said literally anything, right? Well it’s not quite as bad as him as far as the pitch goes, but it is just as annoying, if not even more so because there’s multiple people with high-pitched voices and the lyrics they get to sing in this part aren’t just annoying, they’re insulting.

Oh yeah, did I mention they sing for this next parody song?

If you know the album or the movie, you're probably already dreading this, and it's just as bad as you fear, maybe even worse. Yes, we’re at what’s probably the most popular song from The Wall: the BAFTA award-winning “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)”. If you don’t know, that song is preceded by “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which is so connected with it that most of the time it’s considered part of “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” itself, as I’ve always heard it credited as part of that song on the radio. Doug does seem to know the difference though, as he notably does not parody the lyrics from “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which to me is a problem: that part is integral to knowing the story behind the song that follows it because it’s the part that talks about how the children in the school were abused by their teachers. Again, since Roger Waters based a lot of this off his own life and he grew up in a time where the teachers were legally allowed to physically and emotionally abuse their students, it’s pretty obvious that’s what the song’s about. Even without including “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, Doug still parodied the scene where the teacher was humiliating young Pink in front of the entire class, reading his poems aloud and calling them “absolute rubbish” (though for this “review” it’s the teacher insulting Taylor’s musical taste in Pink Floyd, which is still shitty and psychologically damaging, and really upsets me as an autistic person who’s had their interests mocked multiple times). Despite all this, Doug claims Waters is just being a crybaby and exaggerating how bad his school life was when the abuse he suffered and the damage it caused him was real and very serious. You can say what you want about Waters’s ego, Doug, but making fun of someone for being abused, especially as a child, is a line that you should never cross.

It seems like Doug’s not satisfied enough with mocking what Roger Waters was talking about regarding his school life, though, because he goes as far as to mock all people who complain about school, dismissing detailed dissections of what’s wrong with today’s education system as “long-winded rants”. I’m convinced he didn’t actually read these “rants” he’s mocking, because there are serious problems with our education system. I could go into all the shitty things that I personally had to go through as an autistic kid, but you can find plenty of better, more detailed posts and articles talking about how fucked up America’s education system is today, to say nothing of what England’s school system was like in the 50′s (you know, the time period and experience Waters was clearly talking about with this), and this post is already long enough before I can even properly rip into this dreadful parody.

As the turd on top of this shit sundae, Doug Walker does a Dracula impression for part of the song because he’s saying that Roger Waters is calling all teachers “monsters” (yes, that’s literally the only reason). More specifically, it’s the Dracula played by Adam Sandler in the Hotel Transylvania franchise, where Sandler was already doing a weak impression of Bela Lugosi. Basically Doug’s doing an annoying, shitty impression of an already annoying, shitty impression.

Kill me.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

NC: We need more victimization (There are no good teachers! Not one! Not even by accident!) We need more stuff to rebel

[I know some people will complain about literally anything, but did you actually pay attention to what the album and film were saying? That teachers who abuse their students and try to quash their creativity and individuality is bad, something that Waters himself has clarified in interviews regarding the very song you’re parodying here? Do you not agree with that?]

(We don’t want to help you! We just want to eat your blood and suck your brains!) Though our education system’s broke (Wait, maybe it’s the other way around. I don’t know, I got a high school education! Muahahahaha!) This is pandering like hell

[You reviewed Norm of the North, Boss Baby, and the Emoji Movie despite none of those having ties to anything nostalgic (you even admitted as much in your review of the former), which was the entire point of the Nostalgia Critic. If that's not you pandering to your fanbase who just likes hearing you yell about bad movies, then I don’t know what is.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed cool? He wasn’t! He was all part of the plan!) Hey! Who cares? All this bitching sells!

[Clearly it does considering your whole internet career is founded on that.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?) Well oh well, we’ve got another hit in The Wall (That candy was really sugar-coated children's’ souls!) L-O-L, so school sucks. Grow a damn pair of balls.

[Okay, Boomer. You first. (Before anyone goes “well actually he’s not a Boomer”: I don’t care. This is such a Boomer message that a Boomer may as well be saying it.)]

(Children’s souls! We’re so evil! Muahahahaha!)

[I’m sorry for including all the evil laughing in this transcription, but it’s just as annoying to hear it, trust me.]

Bokkun “Child” chorus: Real cool visualizations (It’s all part of the plan so that you’re more likely to get a job when you’re older!) Milking your gloom and pity (Muahahahahaha! How terrible is that? Muahahahahaha! Muahahahaha!)

[Considering how schools in the way they operate now make students lose sleep, stresses them out over numbers that are assigned to tasks that have been forced upon them, and has been outdated for years since that’s not how most jobs work anymore... Yeah, it actually is terrible. You even said earlier that there are problems with our current education system, yet now you’re making fun of people who criticize it? Make up your mind.]

You hated school, who the hell didn’t? (It’s like those ‘90s commercials where the adults look like bad guys!) What’s next, hating DMVs? (Except they weren’t 90s commercials, they were really mini-documentaries! It’s all true! Muahahahaha!) Hey! Waters! Leave it on F-B!

[We get it already, Doug, you really hate Waters’s ego and the things he talks about in these songs. You’ve already talked about that in your previous parody, can you move onto something else about the movie that isn’t that? So far you’re making it sound like that’s the only thing worth talking about regarding this film.]

(We really don’t see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so great!) All and all, complaining doesn’t mean much at all

[Well, at least you’re able to admit that your career means nothing.]

(Because we’re old! Muahahahaha!) But who cares, it’s still a damn cool song in The Wall (Bleh bleh bleh bleh, I’m a teacher, bleh bleh bleh bleh!)

[In case anyone was wondering why I said it was Adam Sandler’s shitty Bela Lugosi impression he was doing and not just a shitty Bela Lugosi impression, there you go. (For those who don’t get it: the “bleh bleh bleh” thing is a recurring “joke” in at least the first Hotel Transylvania. Yes, it’s as lame as it sounds.)]

We still need more persecutions (Muahahahahahaha! Ahehahahahahehe suck your blood, bleh!) (??) need to hear you (???) (Stabula!)

[I’m giving this my best shot, I really am, but... all I hear for that last set of question marks there is a really inappropriate c-word.]

What are you big boys to say school’s lame? Based on a long-winded rant?

[Hmm, posts and articles made by people who know what they’re talking about explaining how the American school system (since that’s what you’re basing this on rather than the one Waters wrote about) needs some serious retooling in order to cause less burnout, stress and trauma with literal children that can and will affect them in the short and long term when they grow up, or some internet jackass who gets paid for yelling at things and hasn’t been to a high school since at least the 90′s. Gee, I wonder whose opinion on that subject matters more in this situation. (That was sarcasm, by the way, for those who couldn’t tell.)]

Hey! Twitter! (???) bloody (???)!

[I’ve tried my best to figure out what they’re saying here, but this is one of the few times that I cannot actually tell no matter how hard I try, I’m sorry.

So anyway, the TL;DR version of what I think of what this parody song has to say about the original can be summed up in one Kermit gif:

...Why aren’t I watching The Great Muppet Caper instead?]

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[thesinglesjukebox]

ARIANA GRANDE, MILEY CYRUS & LANA DEL REY - DON'T CALL ME ANGEL

[3.69]

"Independent Women Part III: No Throttle"...

Josh Buck: Absolutely not. [2]

Katie Gill: "Don't Call Me Angel" is a fun piece of movie credits music. There's nothing special here, but it's a jam of a song that would fit perfectly well in the already established oeuvre of middle-of-the-road yet totally serviceable movie tie-in songs. Two of the singers know exactly what sort of song they're in and give it the sultry, radio-friendly, sexy spin the song needs. The third is Lana Del Rey and her inclusion BAFFLES me. This is so far out of her wheelhouse that it's hilarious. Seriously, was Selena Gomez busy or something? The music video for Demi Lovato's "Confident" was practically an audition piece for this type of thing, why the heck isn't she here? [6]

Thomas Inskeep: Ariana does some Grande karaoke, Miley sounds like she'd rather be singing "I Love Rock 'n' Roll," and Lana teleports in to do another take on her breathy schtick (and brings the song to a screeching halt in the process) -- nothing about this, apart from (I imagine) someone's discussion of market share, makes any sense. There's no cohesion here. There's barely even a song. [2]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: So, so, so cringeworthy. Ariana, Miley and Lana sound like reality music TV contestants who were forced to make a song together one week, couldn't get on the same page and ran out of time to rehearse, but had to release something anyways. Ariana is awkward and lonely on the hook, like she's waiting for help that never comes; Miley comes out of nowhere with a cloying shouted verse; and Lana is off in another world mumbling incomprehensible nonsense. Even the backing track has a nervous manic energy. If you want a good song about Charli(e)'s angels, just listen to this instead. [3]

Michael Hong: In high school, I worked on a group project where the only times we met up were when we decided upon a topic and to actually present the whole piece. Rather expectedly, the whole thing fell apart rather quickly and it was a completely embarrassing experience. "Don't Call Me Angel," gives off the same vibe, like Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Rey were each given only the title and asked to write something vaguely empowering for women. Each artist sounds like they wrote for a different track and made absolutely no effort to meld styles, instead forcing the producers to try and mash the entire thing together. Even the chorus buries Miley and Lana completely beneath Ariana, perhaps rather wisely as I can't see the group's vocal tones meshing together very well. "Don't Call Me Angel" survives only through the one thing my group never had, natural charisma. [3]

Alex Clifton: How did Ari, Miley and Lana end up in this? I guess it echoes the three Charlie's Angels but this trio doesn't make sense. I can see how individual duets would've worked; Ari and Lana could've done something slow and spacy, Ari and Miley taking a more upbeat route, Lana and Miley singing something retro. This, sadly, doesn't play to anyone's strengths and just ends up being overproduced mush with a decent riff. If I had to pick any artist who could make this song make sense, it would be Rihanna, and the music video would be her in thirteen different outfits kicking ass. [3]

Joshua Copperman: I didn't realize how dated the Max Martin sound was until hearing "Don't Call Me Angel." Pop music is now either created with substance(s) or has substance thrust upon it. Meanwhile, the lyrics are clunkier than ever, "you know we fly/but don't call me angel" no longer endearing melodic math but shallow feminist lip service at a time when "if you feel like a girl/then you real like a girl" can sneak onto a major label record. It's the first time I can't listen to a Martin production without thinking of this unexpectedly poignant stand-up segment about Martin and Cosmopolitan. When the tropical house is so bland, further lyrics stick out more; Miley's pre-chorus ("Do I really need to say it/Do I need to say it again") is lazy, and Ari's vampire metaphors are just baffling. Lana comes out strongest, someone who seldom charts but has more cultural relevance than the former and is much hipper than the latter. Her verse is classy when Ari is unmemorable and Miley cribs from a Rihanna album reject from four years ago. "Angel", though, feels like a reject from 2013, when Miley was in her imperial phase and Ari was just breaking out from Nickelodeon -- in fact, it probably would have had Rihanna instead of Lana at that time. But no matter what trio, one thing is clear: with this lemon, you cannot make Marmalade. [3]

Katherine St Asaph: Remember, "Independent Women Part I" stopped the otherwise great song dead on the bridge to announce it was commissioned for CHARLIE'S AAAAAAANGELS, so "Don't Call Me Angel" earns points already for not doing that. It keeps its product placement to outside context, namely the fact that the song exists despite the three artists having little in common besides having stanbases and sniping at critics. The disparate styles can work together -- see the "Lady Marmalade" remake, unfairly maligned except by a few -- but here there are only anti-synergies. Miley's verse can't decide if she wants to be the track's Mya or the Pink (probably the better idea), but its bluntness also best fits the backing track. Ariana's sighed, harmonized "angel" is a great millennial R&B hook, but one that outside of an R&B song is starved for air. Lana's bridge, though a complete non-sequitur and only empowering if you squint, is also the most sonically charged thing she's done in ages; if there isn't a reason Lana Del Rey hasn't worked with Max Martin beyond "Lust for Life" (I suspect that there is), that wouldn't be the worst career direction. Everyone's part diminishes everyone else's, the exact opposite of what you need from an event single or a Charlie's Angels shine-theory ad. [5]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Every big pop collab feels a little unnecessary -- pop stars work based on the idea that they're the center of the universe, and collaborations by their very nature make that seem silly. But this sounds really, really unnecessary. Two artists coming off career highs (and one coming off of "Cattitude") should at least drive some head-to-head comparison, but none of the three credited artists interact in any meaningful way. It's the Batman V. Superman of pop music -- conflict and chemistry built mostly on reputation rather than action, with nothing to defend unless you're an unabashed stan. [2]

Joshua Lu: In which Lana Del Rey learns that her reward for releasing her magnum opus is the opportunity to limp through a thank u, next reject. Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus's voices already feel unbalanced, but Lana's mushy croons are so inapposite that they grind the song to a halt. [3]

Scott Mildenhall: It rattles along satisfyingly, but this never leaves the marks that the intermittent brass punctuation seems to signify. None of that is aided by how Del Rey, unbending in her lack of persona, has to be deployed in the manner of a guest rapper, wheeled on and off through a side door. The inability to sound at home with her collaborators in the way they do with each other is one thing, but the inability to sound anything other than lifeless in the face of them is another, and that's the precise opposite of what's called for. [6]

Will Adams: As out of place as she may seem on paper, Lana's bridge is the only point where the song becomes interesting: the key dips even more minor, and the arrangement has tangible cinematic sweep. The rest is a cluttered shamble of an Ariana Grande album cut, with her and Cyrus trading off lines with all the dubious empowerment of a Barb Wire quote. [4]

Jackie Powell: All right folks get ready for a sports metaphor, because it's coming. Ariana Grande is a bit of a ball hog on this track. What she doesn't seem to understand is if you are going to lead your team, you've got to provide the proper assist to each of your teammates. To me, saving Del Rey until the two-minute mark supports the idea that these "angels" aren't really meant to work together. I thought the purpose of this was to present a team of strong women looking to take on the world via a song that preaches empowerment for this new wave of both feminism and Charlie's Angels films. Where a point guard should pass the ball and set up her teammates on the wings (no pun intended) and under the rim, Grande instead takes all of the shots. When the mic is pointed toward Cyrus after Grande's opening hook, though, she shoots with simultaneous finesse and power, letting her head voice mix well with the potent sound in her chest. If I was reviewing the visual made to accompany "Don't Call Me Angel," Hannah Lux Davis' treatment would receive a [10]. Grande, Cyrus and Del Rey all exude a mystique, ooze sex and expel power. For a Charlie's Angels theme song, that's right on the money. But what confuses me lyrically is how the hook clearly communicates the theme, even nodding to Destiny's Child, but the verses, bar maybe Cyrus', are underwhelming. The clock-tower cowbell loop that runs through and through grabs my attention, but I think Kristen Stewart could write better poetry. [6]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

[donnerpartyofone]

21 Questions

Tagged by @getoutofmyhouse who had oddly similar answers to mine

Nickname: only the one I use here, that I gave myself--Claire Donner, which has to do with my famous love of cannibalism. Claire is my real first name, though.

Zodiac: I am so very cuspy. I was born at about a quarter to midnight on April 20, so I tend to relate to, and feel insulted by, the suppositions about Aries and Taurus equally. I’m one of those jerks who will tell you astrology is a bunch of hoo ha...and then drone on with my Many Esoteric Ideas about it, so I’ll just stop myself right here.

Height: 5’ nuthin is what I prefer to say...because saying I’m 5 and 3/4′ sounds a little like saying I’m 10 and a half years old.

Amount of sleep: It’s all fucked up. Until I got into my 30s I could, and would prefer to, sleep endlessly. Now I go to bed around 10 (depression), get up around 5 or 6 (being old), and for extra fun, I’ve developed this insomnia that often keeps me up from about 2am-5am. I try make the most of it by getting up, getting high, watching a movie or two, writing...basically just having a secret private day by myself. I’d really rather go back to just sleeping constantly though.

Last movie I saw: I saw GRETA in theaters tonight, which was ok. I guess I thought any Neil Jordan film would be headier than this, but watching Isabel Huppert just running around acting like an absolute maniac is a rare treat! My last video experience was RAW, which I put on to bother my husband right when we got home from the theater. (I think he liked it more than I originally did, to my surprise)

Last thing I googled: The correct spelling of Sylvia Likens’ last name. I’m obsessed with this type of crime where a group of people (usually a family and/or some of their friends and neighbors) fall into some kind of shared hysteria where they protractedly torture to death an acquaintance for no particular reason. Some times there’s an element of mystery as to why the victim didn’t leave while they were still able to, which suggests to me that the murdered person was just as much a victim of the groupthink as the perpetrators. Other example victims include Suzanne Capper, Vera Jo Reigle, and I think to some degree Sophie Lionnet, James Bulger, and Junko Furuta. (Also a crime they briefly discuss in the book Lords of Chaos, where several people murder a friend in their trailer, but I can’t remember it specifically enough to look up the names--the other last thing i tried to google) I keep thinking there should be a psychiatric and/or legal term for this kind of crime, but I’ve never heard one, so let me know if you got one!

Favorite musician: I have trouble with questions that involve ranking anything, so I’ll just say that right now I’m listening to a lot of old White Zombie. I didn’t know anything about their origins as an East Village noise band, and I’m fascinated by the stories about how apocalyptically miserable it was to be in that group. I’m increasingly obsessed with people who work their asses off doing something they barely even enjoy, for what must be borderline spiritual reasons.

Song stuck in my head: Nothing right this second, for which I am very grateful. There’s something awful in my brain that causes me to wake up with some maddening, babyish tune stuck in my head more often than not. It is most frequently the Ten Little Indians nursery rhyme. This is literally killing me.

Other blogs: @anhed-nia, which started as a dumping ground for long posts about mental illness, and turned into almost only movie writing. at some point there was just so much movie shit that i started to feel awkward about posting anything personal there again. i also got @getoffyrass which is a group blog, and a repository for images that make great drawing references. everyone is encouraged to post their drawings, too, although it is seldom used. i still like having it around, for when i have time to draw. my “real” drawing blog is @neveratendermoment but i don’t draw often enough anymore...

Do I get asks: i used to get tons! i really enjoy them, even the trolls to some degree. i must have seemed like more of a regular tumblr geek girl back in the day. also tumblr has just changed a lot since then. my blog was definitely a casualty of Best Stuff First, i think my follower count stopped dead forever right when that happened, and now that practically every single fucking thing on this entire site is either fandom shit or *discourse*, i really have nothing to offer tumblr anymore, anyway.

Blogs following: 1,057. 

Lucky numbers: 2! Also 5.

What I’m wearing: black wool long john pants from Chrome, and a white v neck teeshirt with the words BLACK MAYONNAISE on it in black Rocky Horror font. i live near the notoriously toxic Gowanus Canal, and “black mayonnaise�� is the actual term used to describe what’s on the bottom of it, by the scientists who are trying to figure out what to do with it.

Dream trip: i am really excited by travel, it’s hard to pick. i’m hopefully making a dream trip soon though: my father’s mysterious finno-swedish family is from the åland islands, and my husband and i will be planning part of our honeymoon there, whenever that happens.

Dream Job: i think about this a lot, because the older i get, the more i object to the entire concept of having to work to live. i’m into the whole universal basic income thing. i’m at this point where i can barely stand to think about capitalism in any way--like i think about how the need for money is so mortally serious that there’s a lot of physical stuff in the world that only exists because someone was scared of starving, tons of useless products and packaging and factory byproducts and all kinds of fucking straight up garbage that was only invented due to the lethality of poorness. i would rather be left totally alone forever if possible. however, if i HAD to do something and i COULD do anything, it would probably be film criticism. this fantasy takes place in a world where people care so much about what i have to say that i can make a career, not only out of movie writing, but out of only writing about the specific movies i want to write about, referring to nothing other than my personal reactions.

Favorite food: i wish the answer weren’t just “cheese”, but it probably is. also mushrooms. anything cinnamon. i’m a pretty adventurous eater though. the most important thing for me is a variety of flavors and textures.

Languages: english. i took several years of italian in junior high-high school, and did nothing with it. i taught myself to read french pretty fluently, but i would fold right up if someone tried to speak to me. i learned a bunch of swedish on duolingo, shoulda kept it up. i’ll get back to it! i really regret never learning spanish though, so i’m easily torn on what to do with my time.

Play any instruments: clarinet in junior high/high school, also alto sax which i did not enjoy at all, a little guitar. i bought a used electric bass last year that i have really been enjoying, but i feel a lot of guilt around not playing enough. so much of it is just strength training. that’s probably what i like about it, though. also i got a lot of electronic music software and midi controllers and stuff...and then i realized that it could take me months to sort through the thousands of samples i have to program this stuff, and i only got so far into it before i started to get discouraged. i need to get back to it, it’s ridiculous to let that stuff lie around. this is a rare example of me wishing i knew someone local to play with, who could speed me along on how everything works.

Favorite songs: another one of these impossible questions! anybody who is even reading this can probably guess the answers from the handful of music posts i reblog over and over and over. the other night i got all hyperactive and forced my husband to drop everything and listen to “buffalo stance” by nene cherry, which i never ever get sick of. real top contenders for favorite song might be “Stand By the Jamms” by the klf, and this recording, which has gotten me through many difficult hours:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8k1HsF3EvY

https://www.forcedexposure.com/Catalog/sunray-sonic-boom-music-for-the-dreamachine-cd/STRAWB.003CD.html

Random fact: i’m sure i’m missing out on something really funny and cool, but for now it’s just the well-known fact that i read palms.

Describe yourself as aesthetic thing: man, how do i answer this without being totally pretentious? maybe nobody can! i’m coming up with something really hard to describe but it will be worth it. the other day i watched this insane, completely unnecessary movie about lorca and salvador dali (played by robert pattinson) as gay lovers. there’s a scene in it where lorca does that “pick a hand” thing to dali, and dali picks an empty hand. of course, they’re both poor students who couldn’t be buying any gifts, so they do this obnoxious pantomime where dali pretends lorca actually gave him something--but then it turns out that lorca really DOES have something. he opens his other hand and gives dali...SOMETHING. i don’t know what! they make such a big deal out of it, but what the hell? you see it for a second in this closeup, but it’s shot from like, behind and slightly underneath, and it is just unrecognizable. it’s sort of an orange blob? it’s probably meant to be a sculpture. but, i love the idea of doing the “pick a hand” thing to somebody, and the other person is just like...hey wait a minute, what the fuck even IS this?? 

it reminded me of one of the most amazing things anyone ever did at my school, bard college. this genius art student who I WISH I COULD NAME TO CREDIT HER did her senior project as this like...made up product. i saw them at the senior show, hanging off a spinner rack, like you’d see next to the register in the drug store. they were called Toilet Buddies. they were these plastic, brightly colored objects that looked like toys, but they didn’t have a familiar earthly shape, and because of the title, it was IMPOSSIBLE to imagine what to do with them. so, she gets the lipstick cam from the film department, and shoots this video of herself sneaking some Toilet Buddies into Walmart. then she takes them to the register and BUYS THEM--the baffled cashier looks for them for a while, and eventually just rings them up as a general grocery or something. then in part 2, the artist TAKES THEM BACK TO THE STORE WITH THE RECEIPT AND GETS A REFUND.

so anyway, i see myself as like a fake product--something that looks just familiar enough to exit, and that appears to have a designated purpose, but it’s just kind of cheap and foreign and it becomes nightmarish to try to imagine what to do with it. 

I don’t know if anyone i know will want to do this, but i tag @negativepleasure @moviesludge @former-contender @dimestoreman @thefuzzydave @darkarfs @theoddsideofme @blueruins ...um, i don’t really know who would enjoy this. the ultimate would be @garbagenacht

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #085

When did you last feel fear? Uhhhhh not sure, surprisingly. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? What’s your favorite song from her? No. There are like less than five mega old songs that I enjoy though, the top definitely being "Love Story," idc that song is great. What was the last pain you’ve had on your body? My legs primarily from my knees down are in awful pain whenever I'm simply standing up, so them. What’s your favorite way to eat rice? Hm, probably fried. What’s something that has really impacted your life? The first person I was in love with, absolutely madly so to where I lost a great deal of self-autonomy, abruptly exiting my life.

What did you last have as a snack? Fudge; Mom is making some for Christmas but she picked a couple that me and her could eat out of. Are you currently listening to music? Yeah, I discovered that a YouTube artist did the song "Gangsta's Paradise" in the style of Ozzy Osbourne and it's honestly fucking incredible lmao. It's Anthony Vincent, to give credit. What is the last song you listened to in a car? Ummmm I feel like it was something by Motionless In White. Are there any important things happening this week? Well, this isn't really "important," but it's somewhat of a big deal to me because I'm rarely on my own; Mom and Nicole are going to Tennessee to visit my brother and his family (I very much wanted to go, but there are reasons I couldn't that I don't want to talk about), so I'm gonna be on my own for close to a week. Girt wants to come over a lot though so I'm not alone, so I appreciate that. Do you know anyone who is terrified of dogs? I don't think so. What’s your favorite horror movie? The Blair Witch Project, The Crazies, and then Silent Hill, though I think that's just a bias, the movie incarnation isn't fantastic. What’s your favorite and least favorite fast food restaurant? Favorite, probably Sonic. Least favorite, fucking Arby's, just looking at their stuff makes me want to puke. When did you last sign your signature? Uh a couple days ago at a doctor's appointment bc I got a new insurance card or something. What cover do you think is better than the original song? I think the two strongest, your-argument-is-invalid examples are Disturbed's "The Sound of Silence" cover as well as Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt." Like it feels like they fucking wrote those songs, they were MADE for 'em. What’s something that excites you about the future? Inspired by the answer of the person I copied this survey from, watching my sister's kids grow up. They're my only nieces and nephew I've been heavily involved with (NOT by my will, my half siblings just live in different states), and I just love seeing the three of them grow as individuals. I always have this fear they'll grow to dislike me/maybe drop me from their lives because of how much of the black sheep of the family I am, but I try to not think of this possibility. Are you afraid of walking alone at night? Oh I absolutely would be. Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? My bed with my boyfriend. Are you a very affectionate person? YES. I love hugs and I will tell you I love you every opportunity I get. I will petname tf outta you too if it's something that doesn't make the person uncomfortable. I am just such, SUCH a massive believer in vibrantly expressing how much you care for people. Are you mentally strong? There are some LOVELY people who make me question it, but when it boils down to it, yes I fucking am. I'm here and alive and learning by MY determination alone. Are you physically strong? It's honestly absurd how physically weak I am, like it is humiliating how much I literally cannot do because I don't have the muscle. Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. I wish I had an income and was happy with my form of work. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Usually cereal. Did you have a good year? You know, it was far from the best, but ultimately, I think it was okay. I've had a lot of self-discovery and there's been a lot of effort put into bettering myself and trying to learn to love myself. Did your appearance change in any way this year? Besides hair color, no, not really. What album came out this year and has been on heavy rotation since then? "Zeit" by Rammstein jesus FUCKING christ Favorite new TV show? Girt and I finished the only current season of Extraordinary Attorney Woo a few days back and we are now both desperately awaiting the next one, which won't be coming for a few years apparently. :( It was approved, though. It was a FANTASTIC show. Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? ha ha ha ha ha nervous laughter there's this band Do you carry matches or a lighter? No, no reason to. Do you keep socks with a hole in them if they are your favorites? ABSOLUTELY NOT, I hate socks already, but holes in socks are fucking insufferable to me. Have you ever frightened someone on purpose? Not as a tease, but seriously. No, that sounds very mean. Something you were surprised to learn about your parent’s childhood? Oh I have no idea. Have you ever destroyed another person’s belongings out of anger? No, that's incredibly shitty. Which painkiller do you use? Usually just Ibuprofen. Something you taught yourself how to do? Use Sony Vegas acceptably well for video editing. I am SUPER far from a pro, but I can do quite a bit. Are you guilty of texting while driving? I would literally rather never touch a phone again. Never. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No, even as a child I thought it was disrespectful. Have you ever called in at a radio station & dedicated a song to someone? No. Are you a bossy person? Absolutely not, I'd feel so gross. What social media platforms do you use? Facebook, Insta, and Tumblr are I think it. What is one of your favourite sitcoms? That '70s Show. What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Girt, a lot. For friends, "hun(ny)," "dear," "darling," and "love" are commonly used by me. What pet names do you like to be called? Most I can think of are fine. One that does come to mind that I know some people like but makes me want to hurl is "princess," like just don't. What was the best concert you've ever seen? Only seen Alice Cooper live, but it was excellent. Do you have any hobbies? Well yeah. I like browsing online, playing games, writing, reading, drawing, taking photos, editing photos and other stuff, watching YouTube, chatting with my loved ones, and I would very much enjoy being outside and going on walks if my legs weren't total garbage. When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? I legit don't think I've stayed in a hotel since my sister and I still did dance and we went to a competition by the beach. Does your hair have natural highlights in it? Yes, even when it's not dyed. What was the last decision you had trouble making? Something I talked about in therapy a few days back that I don't want to discuss. What is one type of fruit that you'd like to try that you've never tried before? Dragonfruit immediately comes to mind. It looks so interesting. Have you been told by a doctor that you are a rare medical case? Uhhhh I don't believe so. Who was the last person who came to visit you? Girt, yesterday. What is your favorite version of the Bible to read (if applicable)?

Do you have family that you wish you could see more? Absofuckinglutely. Only my very immediate family lives anywhere near me. What was the last emoji you used? Probably the crying one, I probably overuse it lmao Do you feel the need to be popular? In general, no. I would like to be a popular photographer, but that feels different than "normal" popular to me, idk. What is a good present for you birthdays? Meerkat-oriented ANYTHING is failproof and my loved ones know that, haha. You could also donate to my tattoo fund or just pay for a small one to make my fuckin week lol. What is a rule or boundary you have for yourself, that you have followed? I made a promise to a friend and myself that I would never check up on Sara's socials again and I've kept it since I made it. I have SUCH a hard fucking time letting people go, even those who don't deserve a second of me, and it was problematic that I felt the need to just check on her, but it only ever hurt me. So I stopped. Have you ever played Battleship? Yeah, that's actually a "board" game (quotations cuz that's a weird way to describe it) I really don't mind, it's pretty fun. Girt and I used to play it a lot at the old house. Do you wear skulls on your clothes? Yeah, very regularly. Do you like to record yourself? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Do you like the color hot pink? Hell yeah I do. Do you like watching wrestling? Absolutely not, I'm sorry, but it's dumb and cringey as FUCK to me. Like holy shit the acting is so goddamn bad and more dramatic than I was at age 12. I know because my niece and nephew actually like to watch it so have seen my fair share. Aubree actually wants to be a professional wrestler when she grows up and while I will support her dreams to the very fucking end I am very much hoping she changes her mind, lol. Would you rather a giftcard to Starbucks or Olive Garden? OG, I fucking love that place. What kind of people do you respect? "Ones who don’t ‘demand respect’, when they really mean obedience." <<<< THIS. I also have very deep respect for people who basically calmly lead a moral crusade, vigorously advocating for positive change while remaining peaceful and amiable and just willing to prove their point without violence. I respect vegans and vegetarians a lot, like I think that takes A LOT of discipline and a very deep appreciation for all life, and I also respect popular people who don't grow a big head, instead remaining grounded and modest. There's plenty more, but I don't feel like making a massive list. What shampoo do you have in your tub? It's some strawberry-scented Suave bottle. It smells amazing. What color is your shower curtain? Or is it glass/plastic? The shower in the hall bathroom has a white curtain, while Mom's bathroom shower has a door. Do you like to draw with pen or pencil? Pencil. Pens stress me out 'cuz you can't erase. Do you like to draw on lined paper or does it bother you? I'll do it if I have no other option; it's definitely not my preference. Are you stuck in the past? I feel like I'm a prisoner to it, at least to the old me. I'm so unwilling to forgive myself for many things, and it's very much negatively affecting my life and opinion of myself. I've changed and grown so much, but... in my head, I'm stuck on this "you're fucking trash" belief. Tell me about the worst sunburn you've ever had? I got it while at the beach with Colleenn, her husband, and their son; we were sitting under an umbrella and oddly enough, I think I actually got the worse burn on my shoulder that was facing AWAY from the sun. It was so severe it actually qualified as sun poisoning. It was fucking excruciating. My other shoulder got it pretty rough, too. Do you feel embarrassed a lot? I am pretty much constantly feeling embarrassed over one thing or another. What is the most important thing in life, quick answer? For me, I think my pursuit of happiness/peace with myself. I just want to confidently feel that so bad. Is black lipstick your favorite? It sure is. Do you like combat boots? bro they fuckin HOT, I'm a boots whore Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Nope, sure wouldn't. Man, 2015-16 Brittany wouldn't have believed that for a second, well guess what hunny Do you sometimes feel dissatisfied with your love life? No, I am so happy with Girt. Are you friends with your neighbors? Not "friends," no. The man who lives to our right is lovely and has helped Mom with getting some heavy things into the house, and they usually wave at each other if Ma passes him in the car, but I wouldn't call them "friends." Mom knows our other next-door neighbor too and thinks they're fine. Are you super generous? I think so. I sure try to be. Above anything else though, I think I'm most generous with my time. If you need to talk to someone, you fuckin got me. Do you feed the strays in your neighborhood? No; we don't really have strays anyway. Do you think old houses are creepy? I mean they can be, but I think they're cool and fascinating more than anything else! Have you won any trophies/ribbons? Which are you most proud of, if any? Lots for academic excellence, as well as for dance and sports. I'm most proud of my plaque that I can literally see from here that was for me graduating HS in the top percentile of the entire graduating class. It hurts to see sometimes though, like I wonder what the fuck happened to my level of intelligence after high school... Do you type home row or with two fingers? Home row. Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf/wife/husband? No, and I never would. It's just so, so very disrespectful of your partner's trust. Don't hurt people you supposedly love like that, man. What kind of outdoor activities do you like? Taking pictures of nature, exploring, swimming, sitting in the shade if it's cool enough and just chillin. In a movie would you be the villain, hero, or main person? You mean like, what role I would pick to play? Villain almost for sure, I genuinely think I could play a convincing villain. If you could get anything in your trick or treat bag, what would it be? Reese's anything, haha. Even as a kid, that was my favorite to get. Do you like to drive a car? No; I haven't driven in like, maybe two or even three years. I have a debilitating fear of being behind the wheel. I could never, and I mean NEVER, live with my fucking self if I ever caused a wreck and killed somebody. It is just the way smarter option for me to not drive, at least for right now. I feel super bad about not driving and therefore not being able to go anywhere on my own (public transport isn't really a big thing around here), but it's the better, safer option. What is your desktop background? A really cute and vibrant picture of a meerkat.

[tomaltya962113]

From the launch of a new comic series, new game teasers, and anticipated movie news, this year had a lot of ups and ended with a sudden drop that makes going into 2019 a little nervous for some Sonic fans as we all wonder the same thing we always do at the end of each year, “What will the future look like for Sonic?” I break down the year of news and countdown the Top Stories of 2018 for Sonic news.

 Sonic the Hedgehog IDW Comic Series

After the sudden cancellation of the beloved long running Archie Sonic the Hedgehog comic series, fans had wondered if they would ever see Sonic return to a comic form of series, not too long after the Archie Sonic series was over reports surfaced about IDW Publishing starting up a brand-new series featuring the art direction of Tyson Hesse, who did the artwork for Sonic Mania. The series launched on April 4th with releasing issues #1-4 in April. So far, the comic series seems to have a good reception.

 Sonic Mania Adventures Animated Mini-Series

One of the highlights made by fan regarding Sonic Mania was the art style for the game’s animated trailers having a Sonic CD vibe, credit for the art in Mania goes to Tyson Hesse. This didn’t go unnoticed by SEGA and decided to do a mini animated series of animated short episodes called Sonic Mania Adventures which premiered March 30th and consists of 6 episodes, so far at least. Fans have shown a great reception towards this series and it could continue to be an on-going thing.

 Sonic Mania Plus

After the huge success of Sonic Mania, SEGA announced an expanded version of the game would be released both physically, granting the fan’s wishes to have a physical game made, and digitally, titled Sonic Mania Plus. The re-release added two new characters, Mighty the Armadillo and Ray the Flying Squirrel, who both appeared along with Sonic in the arcade game SegaSonic the Hedgehog and Mighty also appearing in Knuckles Chaotix, so they’re “new” characters added to the game whom were actually just lost and forgotten characters that SEGA probably had no intentions in bringing them back but with Christian Whitehead being the lead developer, he had plans of his own. Sonic Mania Plus would also get a new Encore Mode where the story takes place after Sonic Forces where Classic Sonic returns from and finds Mighty & Ray trapped in a capsule. Encore mode increases boss battle difficulty and the Special Stage as well. Reception for Sonic Mania Plus was no different from Sonic Mania, in fact, Sonic Mania Plus ended up being the highest rated Sonic title in at least 15 years! Who knows where SEGA will go with this type of feed back. We only hope it’s all for the best to get Sonic back to where he needs to be.

  Sonic Returns to the Track

Super early in the year, fans were starting to get suspicion that SUMO Digital was in the works of another Sonic racing title, this time with just the Sonic universe and no SEGA All-Star characters, and the game is developed with a primary focus on cooperative/team game play. SEGA finally revealed the game, Team Sonic Racing, with a teaser trailer at the South by Southwest Convention in March. The upcoming racer title will feature 15 characters and courses based on locations throughout the Sonic world including Rooftop Run, Planet Wisp, and Sand Hill from Sonic Adventure. Fan beloved composer Jun Senoue returns to do the soundtrack along with guests such as Hyper Potions and Tee Lopes, and he brings Crush 40 back for the title’s theme song ‘Green Light Ride’.  Team Sonic Racing was originally slated to release Winter 2018 but was delayed by SEGA to give SUMO Digital more time to work on the game and gave it a new release date of May 21st, 2019! Already at least one game to look forward to in the new year!

  Sonic Speeding to the Big Screen

I saved this for last because it is the biggest news headline for Sonic this year as news for the new movie was very anticipated. Let’s go way back to the year 2014 where this all began. It was June 10th, 2014, during the E3 conference that the news was let out that Sony Pictures Entertainment had acquired rights to start producing a Sonic the Hedgehog movie and it would be produced by Neal Moritz who is known for doing Fast & Furious and later on Tim Miller, director of ‘Deadpool’, was hired as Executive Producer of the film. Since the announcement of the movie being in the works, not a whole lot of details were given out for the next two or so years when SEGA CEO Hajime Satomi stated the film’s release in be in 2018, other than that news was pretty scarce. In October 2017, news surfaced that Sony Pictures gave up the rights for Sonic due to financial issues with the movie, but the rights would soon get picked up by Paramount Pictures causing the film to get a November 2019 release date. Filming of the movie took place in Vancouver & neighbouring regions, New York City, and San Francisco. The cast of the films includes James Marsden as Tom Wachowski – a Green Hills Sheriff, Jim Carrey as Dr. Robotnik, and Ben Schwartz as the voice of Sonic the Hedgehog himself. In November, Paramount pulled the curtain on the films teaser motion poster revealing a silhouette of Sonic himself in a very realistic sort of design that had pretty much the entire Sonic fan base and the original creators of Sonic the Hedgehog outraged by the design of Sonic.

 Conclusion

This year for Sonic was a decent one, with a brand-new comic series underway and with Sonic Mania still flooring SEGA with how much success it has that they made an extended version. Sonic will be making an appearance on game systems in the new year with Team Sonic Racing, but I think most attention, if not all, is on Paramount as they will start to promote the Sonic the Hedgehog film as it gets closer to November. I don’t know what the future is like for Sonic but I’m just hoping it’ll turn out to be alright. See you all in 2019!

[bogwithanlforluck-blog]

I Unfriend You, Floyd

DISCLAIMER: The figurative and/or literal act of “unfriending” any person, group of people, ideological affiliation, etc. involves, at the least, some disappointment. At its worst, “unfriending” can cause a certain amount of trauma, or it can perhaps evoke past trauma. Since this essay is indeed about an “unfriending” experience that reaches the level of a kind of trauma, I am going to approach this from a remove, as if I were talking this out with a therapist. Please excuse, therefore, the potential psychobabble that may pervade the whole process….

    Imagine a typical therapist’s office. Sofas, books, knick-knacks. I am in one chair; the doctor in another.

   The doctor asks me, “So, I believe you said you were here to talk about someone who terrorized you, and who, to this day, still terrorizes you, if only periodically. Someone named Floyd. Do I have that right?”

     “Well, pretty much yes. But it’s not a someone, it’s a group of people. And the whole name is Pink Floyd.”

     “Ah, I see. Thanks for clarifying. Why ‘Pink’?”

     “Good question.” After this response, a thoughtful pause in the conversation occurs, after which the doctor continues:

     “Well, aside from the name itself, why do you think you became so terrified of this Pink Floyd?”

     “I have been thinking about that, doctor. And I believe it dates back to a church camping trip that my sister and I went on back when I was about 13.”

      “Are you, or were you, religious?”

      “No, not really. I am not sure how we ended up going on that trip. My sister and I were not campers, and we were not particularly involved in church. We went to a Methodist Church, but we had no idea what ‘Methodist’ really meant; I’m not sure many Methodists do, actually. I think the Methodist Church is one of those nice hybrid protestant churches that is not too preachy but politely tries to instill good moral values in its parishioners. But, that’s kind of beside the point.”

       “Okay, go on then. What happened on this trip?”

       “The trip was co-ed, and from what I remember, different sets of parents, not ours, volunteered to drive the kids across Tennessee over the border into west North Carolina, to a campground where we would pitch tents, stay overnight, go whitewater rafting the next day, then go home.”

       “Did you have fun?”

       “On the whole, no. My sister and I have good memories from it in some ways, because we were the absolute worst campers ever and made a mess of the whole outdoors experience. She and I shared a tent; we had to pitch it ourselves — I know, the nerve of that, right? — and that endeavor took more than a few tries. Overnight, we got zero sleep, because the camper next to us, a guy who had a tent to himself, snored louder than I do, and that means louder than a buzz saw or even an air raid. Imagine rhythmic sonic booms. Anyway, my sister — her name’s Laura, by the way — and I kept laughing at the hapless honker next to us, and then we decided just to stay up all night, so that we could be first at the showers and get the hot water.”

       “So far, it does not sound like a bad trip at all. You have some good memories from it.”

       “Oh, I do. That was all good. And the whitewater rafting wasn’t bad, except for the fact that I was the youngest on the trip and got put in the back of the raft with the guide, while Laura got to ride up front, where all the action was. She was seated next to two hyper-enthusiastic guys who kept trying to make the most of the rapids, so at the front end of the boat, there was a whole lot of ‘Whoa’-ing and ‘Far-out’-ing, while back in the back, I had the loud voice of the guide in my ear on one side of me, and on the other side, I had my ineffective oar. Plus, remember: I was not a river-type person, so I took offense to my sour-river-water-smelling life jacket and my muddy river-water shoes. I don’t want to sound like a prima-donna, but river life and camping are just not my thing.”

       “But so far, Floyd, or Pink Floyd — you had not met him yet.”

       “Oh, no, and Pink Floyd, it’s not a ‘him’; it’s a rock group.”

       “Oh, a rock group.” [Notice that I have chosen a doctor who has never heard of Pink Floyd. Artistic license!]

       “The Pink Floyd encounter came later, when we were on our way home. I am not sure how the rides home got put together, but after our muddy-water day on the river, we went home, once again in cars driven by parents. One of our fellow campers was a schoolmate of mine; his name was Jason. Thinking back, I daresay his name is quite apt in this situation, as the name ‘Jason’ in this day and age symbolizes the ultimate horror figure. ‘Jason’ is the name of the anti-hero in all the Friday the 13th movies.”

       “So Jason brought to mind the horror films?”

       “Not then — just now, looking back, I note that Jason’s name is rather ironic, in the context of things. So, anyway, I think we ended up riding home with Jason and his parents, because Jason was a schoolmate of mine, and for that reason — though he and I were not friends at school — we rode with his family. We had an outside-church connection.”

     “So, you rode all the way from western North Carolina to Nashville with this same family? You and your sister?”

     “Yes. And as we were guests of the drivers, Laura and I — maybe practicing our good Methodist manners — did not make any special requests on where to sit or anything like that. So, naturally, I sat in the middle of the back seat, between Jason and Laura, I think. Jason’s mother was riding in the front passenger seat, and she said a few polite words to us, but from there, things got eerily quiet.”

      “How so?”

     “Well, this, I think, is where the insidious workings of the Pink Floyd trauma began. Jason, for his part, was sullen. I don’t know why. Maybe he did not like muddy river water and stinky life jackets, either. He was not in our boat, so maybe he had to ride in the back of his. Whatever the case, he was in a pouty mood. He insisted that his parents play his favorite cassette tape, which just happened to consist of nothing but Pink Floyd music.”

     “Was Jason mean to you?”

     “No, not at all. He was just completely grim and therefore speechless. I don’t remember a single word he said on that ride home. Maybe he was so into his music that he did not want to talk over it. Laura and I, meanwhile, did not want to interrupt his — reverie, either, so we kept quiet.

       “And therefore, by the tacitly enforced quiet in the car, Pink Floyd came drifting through the atmosphere, enveloping us all in a Floyd-fug. Meanwhile, imagine where I am and the environment in which we were driving. We had reached that no-man’s land between east Tennessee and west North Carolina that is just a bendy-road with gargantuan trees all eaten alive by kudzu. The trees on either side of the narrow, two-lane road were very tall and branched over towards one another on either side, and in their kudzu-caped crisis, they seemed to be gesturing over to each other for help, growing ever taller to escape the body-snatcher enveloping them. And I, sitting in the middle of the back seat, was in my own no-man’s land, having to brace myself from swaying into Jason or Laura as we turned around the bends in the road.”

      “Hm. That does sound uncomfortable.”

      “You got it in a word, doctor. ‘Uncomfortable.’ Because amid this dreary landscape, along with the vacuum of speech, came the quite DIS-quieting sound of Pink Floyd. And the song I remember most clearly from this hellish, church-camping-trip ride home, was Pink Floyd’s ‘Comfortably Numb.’ Right. ‘Comfortably Numb’ my ass! Oh, pardon my swearing.”

      “That’s okay; you have to say what you need to say.”

      “Yes, well, thank you. My ass may have been literally numb, but it was not comfortable. And Pink Floyd was not helping. You see, that group— their songs — their songs sound like they’re coming from the grave. They have this super-mellow-tinged-with-despair sound that attacks you just like that kudzu was attacking the trees. Over and over, I was hearing this extended, ‘I—I——I have become…comfortably numb.’ The more I heard it, the more anxious I became. I was uncomfortably antsy. For miles and miles it seems, we rode with the kudzu and Pink Floyd, to the point where I felt like I might never make it out alive. Indeed, I felt like I might go right into the grave from which those songs emanated”

       “Maybe those songs were triggering an uncomfortable memory for you, and you started to panic.”

       “No, it was the reverse. Those songs were the beginning of an uncomfortable reality for me — that Pink Floyd exists, and that the group has FANS. I started to panic at that realization.”

        “Perhaps.”

        “For definite. And ever since then, I have never liked their music. A long time later, for about two years, I worked in a record store, and I tried to keep an open mind about all music while working there. I saw many Pink Floyd fans come and go. I stocked the band’s albums. I give the band credit for coming up with some of the most iconic album art in the history of rock. And I listened to some of their songs, again, but even with my attempts to keep an open mind, their music gives me the creeps, like creeping kudzu. Over time, I have grown more and more leery of Pink Floyd music. If I happen to hear the beginnings of some of their famous hits — and they had a couple of gimmicky beginnings to a few songs that are now instantly recognizable — I feel dread. Like the Grim Reaper is nearby and bad things are about to unfurl. I just think,” and here, I sit up straighter, “ — I believe it’s time to unfriend them. A kind of renunciation of their power.”

      “You can certainly do that; I like the idea. And I will be here for support, just in case some of the fear returns, in whatever measure.”

     And therefore, in theory, and in writing, I am officially unfriending Pink Floyd. Many apologies to Pink Floyd fans if I have caused offense. Recently, I saw a poll ranking the best Rock & Roll bands of all time, and Pink Floyd was ranked 4th. What wonderful news for fans. However, I will, in my best Methodist-mannered fashion, politely disagree with that ranking.

[veganearlybird]

2019 Favorite Albums :)

—————

2019. There and gone.

I made a concerted effort of tracking my favorite albums that I’ve listened to throughout the year, so why not compile and share?

This list is 20 albums long, roughly in order of my enjoyment of them. I think less than half actually came out in 2019. Who cares?

I also made a 20 track playlist on Apple Music & Spotify with one song off of each of the albums, because that seems like a good way of sampling the albums if you’re interested ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

————— PLAYLIST

Apple Music https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/2019-wrapup/pl.u-11zBJoVTN74Z3LD

Spotify https://open.spotify.com/user/1213035292/playlist/4486wQRkW35u4xW6orsJ6P?si=6Lt3MyrKRm6fonSEeEMbAQ

————— ALBUM LIST

20) FRANKIE COSMOS - NEXT THING [2016]

Cool lil’ indie rock album. I like her voice a lot.

19) SAINT ETIENNE - FOXBASE ALPHA [1991]

It’s like a mix of 60’s pop vocals with 90’s Daft-Punky production. Has a really great Neil Young cover on it.

18) CLAIRO - IMMUNITY [2019]

What a charming album! Idk if I’m supposed to be the audience for this but who cares? I love indie pop!

17) BROCKHAMPTON - GINGER [2019]

Probably my favorite album they’ve made?

16) JACK HARLOW - LOOSE [2018]

By far the most embarrassing album on this list. LOL. For whatever reason, I’ve been able to look past everything lyrically that makes this album cringey and just appreciate the production and flow of it. Been coming back to it all year. All the beats are great.

15) MATT MALTESE - KRYSTAL [2019]

Sounds like the soundtrack of an indie romance movie. Beautiful.

14) THE VOIDZ - VIRTUE [2018]

I really don’t like a lot of this album, but the highs balance it out. Julian Casablancas <3.

13) GEORGE CLANTON - 100% ELECTRONICA [2015]

High art vapor-wave. Very fun.

12) VEGYN - TEXT WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING IF YOU WANT TO MEET GOD [2019]

Vegyn is a producer with credits on Frank Ocean’s Endless album. This is a 60-something track album of instrumentals that I’m guessing didn’t make that album. My new favorite background music for reading.

11) NEGATIVE GEMINI - BAD BABY [2018]

Indie pop? Electronic? Idk what this is really. It’s a 25 minute EP and I feel like I’ve listened to it every week.

10) BLOOD ORANGE - ANGEL’S PULSE [2019]

The first Blood Orange album I’ve enjoyed front-to-back. Lots of good features.

9) WHITNEY - LIGHT UPON THE LAKE [2016]

Another album that sounds like the soundtrack of a beautiful indie romance movie. Very unique “sonic pallet” on this one. One of the best concerts I went to in 2019 also.

8) TYLER, THE CREATOR - IGOR [2019]

I’m a Tyler fanboy. Of course I liked this album lol. Wish I’d seen his tour for it.

7) ROSTAM - HALF LIGHT [2017]

I didn’t realize how much of Vampire Weekend’s sound Rostam was responsible for before listening to this. The production sounds like the followup to Modern Vampires. Love it. The vocal effects on it are especially cool.

6) DAVID BOWIE - YOUNG AMERICANS [1975]

I love to dive into a beloved artist’s discography after they’re dead and gone! It’s the first Bowie album I gave a close listen to. Incredible. I’ll listen to the rest of his music eventually.

5) JAMES BLAKE - ASSSUME FORM [2019]

Did not care much for James Blake before listening to this album. My view of him has taken a complete 180 this year. I even like his older music now after listening to this! Everything flows so well together. And the Metro Boomin drums! Amazing! 

4) THE MAGNETIC FIELDS - HOLIDAY [1994]

My first dive into The Magnetic Fields. What’s better? The songwriting? Or the bizarre, idiosyncratic use of layered synths?

3) THE STROKES - IS THIS IT? [2001]

Hahahahahahahhahahhahhahh Can you believe it took me until 2019 to actually give a close listen to this? It turns out that it’s very good!

2) ARIEL PINK’S HAUNTED GRAFFITI - DOLDRUMS [2004]

Doesn’t sound like anything I’ve ever listened to. It’s purposely extremely lo-fi. Underwater-sounding synths jump in and out of songs. Probably warrants a longer essay to analyze it. Idk. I keep coming back to it, and it’s still just as interesting to me the 100th time around.

1) VAMPIRE WEEKEND - FATHER OF THE BRIDE [2019]

Easy pick for my favorite album of the year. Almost every song on the album has been my favorite song on the album at one point. Every track has a unique sound and great songwriting. It warms my cold, dead heart. :)

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Parkour!

So the Disney Overlords are triple-fisting us with that franchise blessing. So far they’ve dropped Captain Marvel, Dumbo, and Endgame. We got the Lion King on deck, a second Maleficent for some reason, and Far From Home in a month. Also, a maybe decent Star War to close out the hear. I got hopes for that but they are, just, the LOWEST! The way i feel about Episode IX, is essentially how i felt about what i saw today; Aladdin. I’m a fan of Will Smith and i thought he was the perfect choice to try an tackle the utter genius that was Robin Williams but then we SAW his Genie and, i mean, Sonic levels of cringe. That and the fact that Guy Ritchie, the guy who made King Arthur a few years ago and Robin Hood just last year, was in charge of a family friendly, Disney musical? Yeah...

The Good

Will Smith is awesome in this as Genie. Sure, he’s just kind of playing himself but what A-lister actually acts anymore? Besides, it’s Smith’s charisma that makes this flick. He exudes this palpable likeability that lends itself to the character. It’s a unique energy, not quite like Williams, but every bit as exuberant. I thought it was going to be kind awkward seeing him hitting the same notes and musical numbers as Robin but he totally made them his own. Comparing the two would be a disservice. Smith’s Genie can stand on it’s own.

The guy who plays Aladdin? Mena Massoud? Yo, this cat is Aladdin given flesh! He IS that character, it was uncanny. I don’t know who cast this film but, seriously, that is some MCU-level of character portrayal. Mena was spectacular! I was enthralled by his ability and look forward to whatever he decides to do next.

Speaking of spectacular, can we just take a minute to talk about Naomi Scott? She was easily my favorite part of this film, cringy spotlight song aside. Hell, even then, she was kind of killing it. Seriously, the screen LOVES this woman and she owns every scene she’s in. Her Jasmine was gorgeous, strong, brilliant, outspoken, and, capable. She never came across as a damsel in distress or a princess that needed saving. Jasmine is one of my favorite Princesses so to see her brought to life with such love and dedication was great. I am officially a fan of Ms. Scott and look forward to seeing her talent in many future productions. Also, ma got a set of pipes on her!

Nasim Pedrad plays newcomer Delilah, who’s a handmaid for Jasmine, and my goodness, was she a delight! Delilah was easily the best addition to this flick and i love every second she was onscreen.

The sets and costumes in this movie are spectacular. Seriously, the costume designer deserves SO much credit. Agrabah feels real. It feels alive. There are so many vibrant, brilliant, colors that just assault your senses. Seeing that city, alone, is worth the cost of admission. If i’m not mistaken, Michelle Clapton created the costumes and overall feel of the sets. That quality shows, for sure. Give this lady an Oscar because, f*ck!

The music in this is awesome. Sure, it’s all rehashes from the animation but they’ve all been kind of remixed and remastered. It’s weird listening to Will sing the Robin bits but he does a decent gig. Cat even gets an opportunity to bust a dope rhyme or two. Trust me, it’s executed much better than that sounded. Seriously, Naomi Scott can belt ‘em out!

This thing feels like a hundred million dollar Bollywood musical and i am okay with that, which is wild because i f*cking hate musicals! Man, the set pieces in this thing were grandiose and just plain dope. I mean, Will even got the Carlton in there real quick during the Never Had A Friend Like Me piece. It was awesome!

The Meh

I was skeptical about Guy Ritchie directing this thing and i was right to be. This is, for better or worse, a Guy Ritchie film. Take that for what it is.

Hot Jafar was... interesting. I can tell Marwan Kenzari gave it hi all but the material he had was just so... mustache-twirly. This Jafar is easily the most disappointing thing about this Aladdin. He had a few cool scenes and the additions to his character were okay but, overall, meh.

The actual visual effects are kind of bleh? The computer stuff. Not the background things, those are fine. I’m talking more the big stuff; in your face stuff. I mentioned earlier how jarring Genie was but that grows on you a little bit. Iago doesn’t. Raja doesn’t. Abu doesn’t. There’s a scene where Aladdin gets transferred to a frosty wasteland and, you guessed it; Doesn’t.

As highly as i praised the practical sets, they feel tiny. Agrabah feels like three rooms. It’s almost a stage play. It’s certainly shot like one. More on THAT later.

The Bad

Yo, with all of this grandeur and brevity and scale, Ritchie frames this thing like a close up, stage play. This is specifically on display with the Jasmine spot. That sh*t was awful and takes you out of the film a little bit. Scott, herself, was exceptional but the way she was presented? Sh*tty. There are a lot of scenes like that. The opening one-take is easily the best camera work in the movie and it legitimately gets worse as the plot progresses.

The liberties taken for this adaption are kind of awful. Some are awesome, Delilah, but there are many, MANY, that are not. Aladdin was my third favorite Disney animation when i was kid. Atlantis, Lion King, Aladdin, if you’re curious. I kind of know what is in there and what is missing and there is some SUBSTANTIAL awesomeness missing. I’m talking that entire climax with giant, cobra Jafar. THAT should have been the finale and i am still salty it wasn’t.

The Verdict

Aladdin was pretty good. It’s much better than the ratings and critics say but it’s not the strongest of these remix films. Jungle Book was much better. Still, this one is a solid update. The musicals were spectacular, the sets were gorgeous, and the overall performances were inspiring. Sure, there were certain characters that were superfluous and a titular part of the core characters fell a little flat but, ultimately, Smith, Massoud, Scott, and Pedrad have enough chemistry to carry through. This thing made a ton of scratch opening weekend and deserved every penny. Aladdin was a fun, nostalgic, time and i highly recommend checking it out, if you haven’t already.

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Parkour!

So the Disney Overlords are triple-fisting us with that franchise blessing. So far they’ve dropped Captain Marvel, Dumbo, and Endgame. We got the Lion King on deck, a second Maleficent for some reason, and Far From Home in a month. Also, a maybe decent Star War to close out the hear. I got hopes for that but they are, just, the LOWEST! The way i feel about Episode IX, is essentially how i felt about what i saw today; Aladdin. I’m a fan of Will Smith and i thought he was the perfect choice to try an tackle the utter genius that was Robin Williams but then we SAW his Genie and, i mean, Sonic levels of cringe. That and the fact that Guy Ritchie, the guy who made King Arthur a few years ago and Robin Hood just last year, was in charge of a family friendly, Disney musical? Yeah...

The Good

Will Smith is awesome in this as Genie. Sure, he’s just kind of playing himself but what A-lister actually acts anymore? Besides, it’s Smith’s charisma that makes this flick. He exudes this palpable likeability that lends itself to the character. It’s a unique energy, not quite like Williams, but every bit as exuberant. I thought it was going to be kind awkward seeing him hitting the same notes and musical numbers as Robin but he totally made them his own. Comparing the two would be a disservice. Smith’s Genie can stand on it’s own.

The guy who plays Aladdin? Mena Massoud? Yo, this cat is Aladdin given flesh! He IS that character, it was uncanny. I don’t know who cast this film but, seriously, that is some MCU-level of character portrayal. Mena was spectacular! I was enthralled by his ability and look forward to whatever he decides to do next.

Speaking of spectacular, can we just take a minute to talk about Naomi Scott? She was easily my favorite part of this film, cringy spotlight song aside. Hell, even then, she was kind of killing it. Seriously, the screen LOVES this woman and she owns every scene she’s in. Her Jasmine was gorgeous, strong, brilliant, outspoken, and, capable. She never came across as a damsel in distress or a princess that needed saving. Jasmine is one of my favorite Princesses so to see her brought to life with such love and dedication was great. I am officially a fan of Ms. Scott and look forward to seeing her talent in many future productions. Also, ma got a set of pipes on her!

Nasim Pedrad plays newcomer Delilah, who’s a handmaid for Jasmine, and my goodness, was she a delight! Delilah was easily the best addition to this flick and i love every second she was onscreen.

The sets and costumes in this movie are spectacular. Seriously, the costume designer deserves SO much credit. Agrabah feels real. It feels alive. There are so many vibrant, brilliant, colors that just assault your senses. Seeing that city, alone, is worth the cost of admission. If i’m not mistaken, Michelle Clapton created the costumes and overall feel of the sets. That quality shows, for sure. Give this lady an Oscar because, f*ck!

The music in this is awesome. Sure, it’s all rehashes from the animation but they’ve all been kind of remixed and remastered. It’s weird listening to Will sing the Robin bits but he does a decent gig. Cat even gets an opportunity to bust a dope rhyme or two. Trust me, it’s executed much better than that sounded. Seriously, Naomi Scott can belt ‘em out!

This thing feels like a hundred million dollar Bollywood musical and i am okay with that, which is wild because i f*cking hate musicals! Man, the set pieces in this thing were grandiose and just plain dope. I mean, Will even got the Carlton in there real quick during the Never Had A Friend Like Me piece. It was awesome!

The Meh

I was skeptical about Guy Ritchie directing this thing and i was right to be. This is, for better or worse, a Guy Ritchie film. Take that for what it is.

Hot Jafar was... interesting. I can tell Marwan Kenzari gave it hi all but the material he had was just so... mustache-twirly. This Jafar is easily the most disappointing thing about this Aladdin. He had a few cool scenes and the additions to his character were okay but, overall, meh.

The actual visual effects are kind of bleh? The computer stuff. Not the background things, those are fine. I’m talking more the big stuff; in your face stuff. I mentioned earlier how jarring Genie was but that grows on you a little bit. Iago doesn’t. Raja doesn’t. Abu doesn’t. There’s a scene where Aladdin gets transferred to a frosty wasteland and, you guessed it; Doesn’t.

As highly as i praised the practical sets, they feel tiny. Agrabah feels like three rooms. It’s almost a stage play. It’s certainly shot like one. More on THAT later.

The Bad

Yo, with all of this grandeur and brevity and scale, Ritchie frames this thing like a close up, stage play. This is specifically on display with the Jasmine spot. That sh*t was awful and takes you out of the film a little bit. Scott, herself, was exceptional but the way she was presented? Sh*tty. There are a lot of scenes like that. The opening one-take is easily the best camera work in the movie and it legitimately gets worse as the plot progresses.

The liberties taken for this adaption are kind of awful. Some are awesome, Delilah, but there are many, MANY, that are not. Aladdin was my third favorite Disney animation when i was kid. Atlantis, Lion King, Aladdin, if you’re curious. I kind of know what is in there and what is missing and there is some SUBSTANTIAL awesomeness missing. I’m talking that entire climax with giant, cobra Jafar. THAT should have been the finale and i am still salty it wasn’t.

The Verdict

Aladdin was pretty good. It’s much better than the ratings and critics say but it’s not the strongest of these remix films. Jungle Book was much better. Still, this one is a solid update. The musicals were spectacular, the sets were gorgeous, and the overall performances were inspiring. Sure, there were certain characters that were superfluous and a titular part of the core characters fell a little flat but, ultimately, Smith, Massoud, Scott, and Pedrad have enough chemistry to carry through. This thing made a ton of scratch opening weekend and deserved every penny. Aladdin was a fun, nostalgic, time and i highly recommend checking it out, if you haven’t already.

[thesinglesjukebox]

BILLIE EILISH - BURY A FRIEND

[7.76]

Why you always play that song so loud? Oh.

Ian Mathers: Over a series of songs and videos, Eilish has practically offered a survey of fears and bad feelings: spiders, isolation, drowning, physical assault, mental illness, poison, other people as monsters, the self as a monster, etc. and here she leans harder than ever into the horror tropes, both sonically and visually. The sampled dentist drill, lyrics equally evoking the monster under the bed and sleep paralysis, the haunted house/nursery rhyme lilt of the verses, the bravado that at least partially stems from her narrative persona already feeling bad enough about herself that you sure as hell can't touch her, and of course the line that recurs over and over: "I wanna end me." It's the sort of thing you can imagine parents freaking out over, and even possibly the (yes, yes, very young) Eilish looking back years from now and thinking the better of. But, much as plenty of pop music conjures up outsized romantic sentiments that listeners gravitate towards despite not actually wanting to follow through with them in a literal sense, it also feels like the kind of darkness that I know many people who don't struggle with suicidal ideation still identify with in the context of a pop song. I'm not actually arguing for its total harmlessness so much as admitting that I don't think total harmlessness is necessary or even desirable in pop, maybe especially when it is from someone as young and who seems to be as tapped into a new vocabulary (sonic and gestural as much as linguistic) as Eilish is so far. The line and the song make me uneasy even as I love it and feel seen by it, as opposed to (say) Juice WRLD's bullshit which doesn't to me feel like it has any redeeming element at all. Eilish and "Bury a Friend," meanwhile, don't need a redeeming element unless you have a problem with the rich history of darkness in pop (as opposed to the rich history of misogyny in pop). Not for nothing does my friend Jess Burke describe her as "Fiona Apple for a Blumhouse future" and of all the paths to go down, that honestly feels like a pretty great one right now. [9]

Tobi Tella: Billie Eilish is one of the first true Gen Z pop stars, and as someone only a year or so older than her I'm impressed with how fresh her music feels on the pop landscape. The sense of dread that appears in most of her music is in full force here, and while I have found some of her music to be a little "2edgy4me," this works by fully leaning into it. It's unlike anything anyone else is making right now. [7]

Alfred Soto: If "Bury a Friend" is a gesture, an experiment -- as if Billie Eilish said, "Let me show how minimalist my music can be, and put in cool noises too" -- then its failure to be more than this is my failure. She's been tuneful before, which means she knows what she's doing. [6]

Jonathan Bradley: "Bury a Friend" sounds like the product of a musical landscape where anything can be heard on demand and none of it comes with context. Billie Eilish's artless murmur suggests that her roots lie in the DIY aesthetics of bedroom folk, but while her music can be wispy and personal in that mode, it wanders into other realms in which it seems not to realize it doesn't belong. This song is punctuated by producer Crooks intoning Eilish's name like a mixtape DJ's drop, while the shrieks that tear into the dark low-end pulse seem torn from Yeezus-era Kanye. There's even some Fiona Apple in the stops and starts punctuating her phrasing. Like Lorde before her, Eilish is adept at playing up the adolescent's attraction to darkness, and the haunted house atmosphere and lyrics about stapled tongues and glass-cut feet settle into a delicious murk. Perhaps most unsettling and most unexpectedly novel about it all is that Eilish doesn't sound like a paralysed gothic heroine. She sounds like one of the monsters. [8]

Katie Gill: Insert that Marge Simpson 'kids, could you lighten up a little?' reaction image here. It only makes sense that the hot new pop sensation is the musical distillation of nihilistic memes and the lolz I'm so depressed joke culture that's permeated the popular consciousness. To her credit, Eilish has her finger perfectly poised on the zeitgeist. Unfortunately, we've been dealing with the zeitgeist for at LEAST two years now. Such ironic detachment and 'I want to end me lmao' already feels out of date -- the fact that the song seems tailor-made to score an American Horror Story scene only dates it even more (those backing screams were a baaad choice). The main thing this does is make me wish that Eilish leaned in more towards her lighter fare. [5]

Vikram Joseph: I've been a Billie Eilish sceptic, but "Bury A Friend" is, if not quite Damascene, certainly revelatory. It feels deliciously, obscenely engrossing; that minimalist pulse, the mocking, nursery-rhyme motif ("What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?"), those swift, decisive industrial gut-punches, the breathtaking turns of pace and time-signature tightrope-play. Most of all, it's fun, especially when her vocal affectations come off like a demonic sonic negative of Lorde. It feels like her entire aesthetic coming together, a camp horror-flick dark-pop queen finally wearing the crown she's been threatening to unveil for a while now. [8]

William John: At 28 I feel far too old to be pontificating about Billie Eilish, but what I will say is that if their new formula for chart success is to mine the aesthetic of Róisín Murphy circa Ruby Blue, then I'm ready to submit to our new zillennial overlords. [7]

Iris Xie: I've been hearing Billie Eilish everywhere I go, and her music always vibrates with a moody, dark warmth while I move through thrift stores, coffee shops, and sidewalks. Reclaiming whisper-singing from Selena Gomez is a fantastic move, especially when paired with that slight rhythmic drumming, sudden starts and stops, and that little omnipresent danger that I miss so much from f(x)'s Red Light. Our times are escalating faster to some kind of destruction, but in the air, there is exhaustion and energy of both a defiant joy and a quiet numbness. "Bury a Friend," and her album overall embodies that energy in spades. [7]

Will Rivitz: Jump scares in horror movies suck; they're cheap, calculated cash-ins on human predilection to react badly whenever something threatening pops out from the underbrush. Much more difficult to pull off, and much more impressive in its execution and creativity when it succeeds, is the slow-burn thrill. When a ghoulish, uncertain threat is buried ever so imperceptibly below the surface, it roils adrenaline in the most painfully pleasant of ways, as we fail to put our finger on anything about what's about to destroy us except that, make no mistake, it will indeed destroy us. "Bury a Friend" nails that most sublime skin-crawl. The lowing bass and teeth-scraping industrial synths roll around the aural triggers that make every hair on a back stand up with the cold impersonality of coins circling a hyperbolic funnel forever, the end always implied but never achieved. Appropriate, too, since Billie Eilish's main triumph is capturing the slow-burn existential dread of living as a young person in a world thoroughly ruined by those who won't live to see out the ramifications of their present actions. Obliquely, that's "Bury a Friend," a nightmarish Borges y yo resurrection, endlessly Genius-ready especially given the original story now has a Genius annotation itself. (The internet continues to be bizarre.) Instrumentally and lyrically, it's a warped and terrifying celebration of a muddling and destruction of identity supercharged by the less savory bits of our constant interconnectedness; it is, in other words, the best summary of Billie Eilish she could possibly present to us. Eilish affirms our base fears that things are fucked, we're all irrevocably in shambles, and there's absolutely jack shit we can do about it; we might as well learn to celebrate where we're at, since there's nothing else awaiting us. [9]

Alex Clifton: I can't remember the last time I felt this astonished by a song, nor can I remember hearing anything this sublime. I mean this in the gothic sense -- something beautiful and terrifying and subsiding where you've just got to stand and soak it all in. "Bury a Friend" is every nightmare and melodramatic thought I had as a teenager set to music, the suspicion that I was a monster who was better off dead and everyone knew. It felt so plainly written on my skin. But it's not just dark and monstrous. Billie feels scared and sad on the chorus: when we all fall asleep, where do we go? Something in her voice is so vulnerable that I feel cut open myself just hearing it. I fear some older people may hear "Bury a Friend" and write it off as emo teenage poetry, but it's so much more than that. It's the honesty of Lorde's first album mixed in with the sharp crunch of being a teen in 2019, living in a world constantly on fire with questionable prospects for a future. I would expect nothing less from a teenager to be honest, especially one as talented as Eilish. I just wish I had had the courage to be this dark and messy when I was her age. [9]

Will Adams: So much of the Billie Eilish discourse concerns her aesthetic and how it relates to Gen Z, but it often misses a key part of her appeal: how electrifying her music sounds. Tactile, confronting and claustrophobic, Billie and her producer brother Finneas create music that tightens its grip and refuses to let go, and "Bury a Friend" is as good an example as any. Alternately screeching, skittering and booming with sub bass (like "Black Skinhead" crawling with spiders), it conjures up a nightmare you can't look away from. [9]

Katherine St Asaph: A game that is both fun and great for making yourself acutely aware of how fast the grave is yanking you down is asking yourself, and being honest: if you were a teen today, who would you stan? Would you be an Ariana Grande Teen? A Blueface Teen? A Billie Eilish Teen? The depressing truth is that I probably would've been a Lana Del Rey Teen, but I could see myself reluctantly liking this for its weird drama, its dramatic weirdness. I'm convinced people confused about why Billie's dark music appeals to teens have never themselves been teens, the time of life where you endless-repeat Nirvana (ask Dave Grohl) or Sarah Brightman's cover of "Gloomy Sunday" or "Bury a Friend" and often make it out regardless. The flavor of darkness here is more than a little Tim Burton, in the twisted-nursery-rhyme melody, but there's also more than a little "Black Skinhead" and "Night of the Dancing Flame," and how many teen sensations can you conjure those references up for? [9]

Stephen Eisermann: Billie Eilish, especially here, is the exact representation of what would happen if Lorde pulled a Jack Skellington and entered the portal in the trees to find herself in Halloween Town. The same intriguing vocal tics, off-beat metaphors, and bold production choices -- just decorated with horror-tinged jack-o-lanterns and ghost sheets. In other words, I love Billie and I love this song. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: "Bury a Friend" is less a song and more an intentionally jarring collection of phrases -- even Eilish's individual lines sound cut off, as if they've been reassembled from a previously coherent whole. Not every piece works -- Crooks' vocal additions are unnecessary and some of Eilish's longer phrasings in the bridge are too stylized. Moreover, the picture that this collage is supposed to be forming never gets cleared up. And yet there's almost an illicit thrill to listening to a pop song that sounds like this, in all of its chaotic terror and joy. [6]

Edward Okulicz: In truth, this song feels like it runs out of gas, but its first 30 seconds are incredibly arresting. It's not that the rest of it is bad, I mean there's a bit where she sounds exactly like Róisín Murphy and that's never bad. Over the course of a bunch of singles, Eilish has used lots of existing musical tropes in an interesting way and built up a style that's unmistakeably her -- maybe I'm just disappointed she's taken it to complete fruition in half a minute and maybe there's nowhere else for her to go but to do a full-on macabre Glitterbeat thing. She's got fans that'll go with her to any place she chooses. [8]

Taylor Alatorre: I'm inclined to dislike most of the well-manicured teenage dramascapes that make up Billie Eilish's discography so far. Maybe it's the narcissism of generational differences -- sure, I was moody and disaffected as a 17-year-old, but I wasn't this kind of moody and disaffected. You're doing anhedonia all wrong, kids! Yet somehow, "Bury a Friend" is able to dislodge me from this self-consciousness by brandishing its own self-consciousness as a weapon and waging a merry war on itself. It's a staging ground for a bunch of one-off experiments and on-the-nose signifiers and 2spooky vocal tics and vintage 2013 alt-pop tropes, all of which seem to communicate: "This is a song that I wrote, and I can debase it however I want." It's squeamish about its own existence yet sure of its purpose, with a simple driving beat that yields to miscellany while warding off the specters of musical theater. Its high point is an archly written low point: the sneeringly drawn out "wowww." in response to a blunt confession of suicidality. If it turns out that reducing the stigma doesn't always lead to better outcomes, at least we got some good banter out of it. [8]

Joshua Copperman: Huh, I guess we are seeing the beauty at the end of culture. And it's suicidal, it's offensive, it's ugly. Then it's fake-deep, and it's edgy, because Heaven forbid we legitimize the concerns of teenagers. The common thing is supposed to be how, as a teenager, everything feels like it matters, but today's teens are growing up in a political moment when nothing feels like it does, if it ever will again. Okay, that's a bit much -- there's a chance that actual teens aren't like this, and this is what people whose brains have been poisoned by Twitter pundits think teenagers must be like. It can't be a huge coincidence, though, that "I wanna end me," "why do you care for me?" and "I'm too expensive!!!" all wound up in a Top 20 hit by a 17-year-old. Like any good writer, Eilish sublimates those fears into a horror movie song from the point of view of the monster under her bed, a pure Tumblr or r/writingprompts move. But with this many Spotify plays, with this much success, it's hard to shake the feeling that along with the stellar "idontwannnabeyouanymore," Eilish is actually onto something with The Youths. Finneas O'Connor's bonkers production, with dentist drills and the 12/8 "Black Skinhead" bounce, certainly helps this stand out. (Rob Kinelski, too, has crafted a mix more interesting than anything his more successful contemporaries like Serban Ghenea have done lately.) Underneath the grimdarkness, what really separates Eilish is the sense of humor; the nursery rhyme bridge seemed a bit obvious, but after hearing songs like "Bad Guy," Eilish sounds completely aware of the tropes she is using. I have no doubt this blurb will age badly if her music gets worse after this, but who cares when there's not much aging left to do? Lead us into the apocalypse, Billie and Finneas! [9]

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