#What is the spacing for apples?

[drenched-in-sunlight]

saying this as respectfully as possible but. Do not put fandom content creators on a pedestal. We are also just fans contributing to a community just as you are. We have boundary on our own work and that’s it. What I say is not and should not be considered sth the whole fandom should listen to. I’m just a normal ass person ranting about things on my blog. If it does not have a fandom tag for others to engage in, do not make it out to be me trying to start fights or addressing the whole community. Because it’s not.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, my art, my lore talk, is biased. I’ve never tried to hide that I view Marika a certain way and will always develop my theory following that base assumption.

Aside from translation stuffs and pointing out in-game items, everything else I say you can look at it, agree or disagree, and move on to form your own opinions. Just because I draw stuffs doesn’t mean you get to saddle me with responsibilities about managing fandom expectations. What the hell? I’m a fan artist, I’m the last person who you should look at for “leaderism” (?) WHAT?

I can and will be a hater in my own space, like I know sometimes other artists will just post their stuffs and not engage too heavily with fandom, and for a while I did try to do that here (because I’m already a dramatic ass on twitter), that’s just not me though.

You will get art and you will get my opinions as well.

[star-trekster]

From @/thrawns-babygirl PNG Post prompt! Definitely putting these guys in situations!

[aurorangen]

Long story short, Noah and Connie are together now! The group were on a day trip in Windenburg and were taking a nice afternoon walk in Lykke Centre. They stopped mid-conversation and some big news was announced! What a wonderful surprise!

[nguyenfinity]

Switch is back after their Valentine's event for White Day to bring you Magic for your special someone(s)! Show your friends and fans a little appreciation in return, whether you're sailing for a Romancing Cruise or just for lifting their spirits A little bit UP!!

art-only below the cut!

[nectarishes]

witch hat doodle hashtag DUMP

[keeps-ache]

you'll forget all but what you chose

[night version below: eyestrain warning]

[khaotunq]

Things I spend way too much time on: figuring out floor plans of fictional character's living spaces.

[mixelation]

anakin hooking his artificial pancreas up to a ship's space wifi so it will automatically administer him a little snack when his blood sugar drops. nothing can go wrong

[twistedappletree]

Thinking about Lan Sizhui teaching Jin Ling how to play guqin.

Thinking about Jin Ling absolutely bored to tears by the fundamentals until he hears how beautifully Lan Sizhui plays and suddenly takes an interest (in the guqin, definitely the guqin, he’s interested in the guqin only, okay??)

Thinking about Jin Ling practicing outside of classes because he wants to impress Lan Sizhui by how much he’s improved and wants to make him proud and wants to see his face light up with a smile—I mean, what? No no no, he just wants to show initiative to learn, that’s all there is to it, nothing more. Nothing at all.

Thinking about Lan Sizhui finding Jin Ling asleep on his guqin after a night of wearing himself out with extra practice and gently waking him up to safely escort him back to his room so he doesn’t get caught by their seniors. Meanwhile, Jin Ling sleepily leans against him on the walk back to his room because it’s normal, he’s just tired, it’s obviously normal because Lan Sizhui slips his hand into his and smiles and Jin Ling’s heart feels like it’s on fire. Oh no.

Thinking about Jin Ling opening up to Lan Sizhui about his nightmares from all the trauma he’s endured and Lan Sizhui staying to play guqin for him until he falls asleep, each note chasing away every bad dream that tries to disturb him.

Thinking about them practicing guqin alone together the next day. And the day after. And the day after that—and they really are practicing but it’s a little hard to focus when Lan Sizhui keeps putting his hands over Jin Ling’s to move them to the correct strings, and Jin Ling’s face is a breath away from Lan Sizhui’s every time he leans over to help him.

It’s just guqin practice, that’s all there is to it, perfectly normal. 🩵💛

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Do you mind if I share some speculations on our favorite bug man?

I think you're right in that Howdy has caught onto something being off about their world. But he can't just jump up and tell everyone that they are living in a simulation. So he has to watch and wait for everyone else to realize it in their own time.

But

In his heart, he is a lovable asshole. And an asshole he will be!

Sally got close to figuring out that the food are props, but it hasn't clicked yet. Until then, the lable on the "mashed potatoes" is just a marketing ploy.

And sure, Howdy knows the blowing balls are made of foam, but Eddie doesn't know that! So Howdy sends him off, watching him struggle to carry something that weighs next to nothing.

Maybe if they interact with enough props, they'll catch on, too? In the meantime, Howdy is gonna have fun messing with everyone.

ohhhh i Do like this interpretation! where he's actually trying to clue them in, not just going "well. this might as well happen". and doing it his own... uh... Special way....

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Nightmare the caregiver headcanons!

(Just me ranting abt undertale au agere, featuring the bad sanses! This is gonna be a new AU-)

Nightmare: Caregiver. Very calm and sorta stoic, occasionally tired of the nonsense but has a good habit of keeping his cool. He may seem uninterested, but knows where all of his boys are, at all time. It's almost scary-

Killer: Middle. He's on the younger side of a middle, being 9 - 10 when regressed. He likes annoying Nightmare, and being playful. Calls nightmare "Pops" or "Dad"! He likes gaming a lot when regressed, which can be anything he can be chaotic in. (Mostly minecraft, but sometimes older games like COD.) He also occasionally slips younger, around 6? And when he's that young, he follow Nightmare just about everywhere, VERY talkative little.

Horror: Little. He's a toddler essentially, 3 - 4. And a very spacing out, unaware one at that. Nightmare absolutely has to keep an eye on him at all times, due to the fact that he will try to chew on anything and everything. To combat this, Nightmare shape shifts one of his tendrils into a harness, keeping Horror secure. Also, he goes completely non-verbal while regressed!

Murder/Dust: Little, very tiny. We're talking he goes 0 - 1, maybe 2. He's an Involuntary regressor, as he believes he doesn't really deserve it. When he's regressed, he's very clingy, and wants to be carried at all times, since he misses Papy's hugs and carrying him. Speaking of Paps! He often helps encourages Dust to ask for things he needs, like a binky, or bottle, blanket, so on!

Cross: Flip. He's not really the regressing type, so he's more of an age dreamer/partial regressor! When regressed, he's pretty quiet, likes to read, or bake (with supervision) he really can't tell his regressed age, which nightmare will reassure him that, it's okay! And, really Cross prefers being a babysitter, mostly to watch Killer. He's better with older kids!

And with that... i feel like I should be writing a story about this, huh.

[briar--rising]

Rosh Hashanah is next week. It's always been my favorite holiday, and every year I prepare for it and look forward to it. But this year I've been dreading it, and until this past week I couldn't figure out why.

I haven't been to synagogue much in the past year. I've gone a handful of times, but much less than any other year since graduating college. And I thought of going, my therapist tried to encourage me to go because she knows it often makes me feel better, but there was just this inner resistance that I couldn't figure out and wasn't ready to look at closely enough to decipher anyway. And then as the High Holy Days got closer and closer I started to notice that I was really dreading them, which is not how I usually feel. And so I brought it up in therapy on Tuesday, and came to some really important realizations.

I've been doing a lot of very serious grief work and trauma work this fall. My most serious trauma anniversaries are almost all in the fall, and it's a season of great grief and usually highly elevated symptoms for me. My first serious psychotic break was in the fall, four of my five hospitalizations have been in the fall, etc. Until this year I spent every autumn of the past decade pretty severely psychotic. I could not face the trauma and grief that this time of year brings up for me, I could not process those feelings and memories without losing my mind in defense so that I wouldn't have to truly experience them. I've always known this, and for a few years have tried very hard to truly experience my grief and not retreat into psychosis, but I never managed it until this year.

This autumn has been different. I've still struggled with psychosis much more than in the summer, I still have to fight it most days. But I'm winning most of those fights. And I'm grieving. I'm mourning, I'm crying, I'm sitting with my feelings for as long as I can bear and then distracting myself from them when they get too much instead of retreating into symptoms most of the time. I'm genuinely experiencing the thoughts and feelings I need to be experiencing. I'm reading about death, about grief, about loss, I'm talking about these things in therapy. It's often incredibly painful, though sometimes it is simply a peaceful kind of sorrow. I'm getting in touch with a lot of the feelings I've found so difficult to face from some of the hardest times of my life, and I'm experiencing some of them again.

And some of those feelings that I was really quite blindsided by and that I've been largely repressing for 15 years are incredibly complicated feelings about G-d. When I was 11 years old I was just like any other religious and traumatized kid: I prayed to G-d to fix it. I did that thing kids do, I tried to make bargains with Him. "Dear G-d, if I clean my room will You save my mommy? If I'm perfect, will You fix my family?" You know. Things like that.

I was desperate for anything, anyone to save me. I talk sometimes about the particular traumas of that year, about my brother's birth, about my mother's hospitalizations, about her suicide attempt. But I have no words to express the year as a whole, except to say that terrible thing after terrible thing after terrible thing happened, and throughout all of it I was neglected and left at sea. My mom was sick, my dad was trying to keep his head above water, no one was there for me. So I tried to turn to G-d. And when He wasn't there for me either, I felt incredibly abandoned and betrayed, both by Him but also because I was taking my feelings about my family neglecting me during severe trauma and putting them onto Him. It's hard for me to express the levels of hurt and rage I felt at G-d during that time period.

And then my memory cuts out. I remember approximately nothing from shortly after my twelfth birthday (in June) until November over a year later. I have a handful of memories of specific events that took place at school or at camp, but absolutely zero memories of my internal feelings or anything that ever took place at home during seventh grade. It's just. Gone. Always has been, probably always will be.

The next significant things I remember in terms of my relationship to G-d and my religion are all about Hebrew High School, which I loved (I got to start it early bc I was being bullied in normal Hebrew School), and preparing for my Bat Mitzvah, which I also loved. My memory goes from intense feelings of betrayal and abandonment and agony to instantaneously a relatively low conflict, positive relationship with G-d and Judaism (with Jewish-appropriate amounts of questioning of course and moments of anger, but no true rage and despair like I once felt). And I stayed in that space of Judaism-as-comfort-with-minimal-internal-conflict for the next 10+ years. I have no idea how that transition happened, but it certainly didn't occur because I slowly and naturally dealt with all of my complicated feelings and embraced religion after processing.

And then this year, well. I guess the processing came due. I'd like to be very very clear that being Jewish always has been and always will be incredibly important to me, and nothing about any of this changes that. I am struggling, though. I'm re-experiencing a lot of those childhood feelings of betrayal and abandonment and confusion and rage. And not being ready to face those feelings is why I've been subconsciously avoiding synagogue for the past year, and is why I've been dreading the holidays. At least now I'm aware of what's happening, so that's a step in the right direction. And in the long term this is a good and important step not only in my trauma recovery but in my relationship with Judaism and with G-d; I can't have as deep of a relationship as I want without this kind of struggle. To quote my therapist, "your relationship with Judaism is too important to you to be easy." Thankfully in Judaism struggling like this is not only allowed but expected. But it is a struggle, right now. A painful one.

I leave you all with a song I've been listening to on repeat that is helping me confront and think about a lot of these feelings:

[cosmogyros]

Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.

[rocksanddeadflowers]

I wanna make a little mechs fic about Lyfrassir and Yule specifically as a... idk therapeutic or cathartic sorta fic? Not sure what term to use. This'll be my second year officially celebrating Yule instead of Christmas? The dramatics of which I'm much more likely to detail in ao3 notes than a Tumblr post (bc what's a better place than ao3 notes) but I'm very excited and wanna project a bunch of feelings and experiences onto the mech fandom's favorite barbie doll. I actually have a little scene between Lyf and Brian written already but I'm kinda out of ideas after that aside from the side-plot of Marius's mission based on Tim's explanation of mistletoe vs the reason Lyf actually has mistletoe. Not sure if anyone's interested in that or if I'll end up posting it but!! I'm ranting here anyway!! If you read this post and do wanna see me make a Yule fic, wanna toss some ideas my way perhaps? :)

[deoidesign]

wdym by "see" them? Do u have that thing where u cant see pictures in ur head?? 👀

oh, yeah, I mean I can see vague shapes but there's no color and it's like blurry and tunnel visioned at best

I can "taste" in my head pretty well and hear in my head even better though!

I think it makes me more satisfied with my art, because anything I draw will always be the only way I can see it... I've never struggled with the classic artist pain of it "looking so much better in my head" I'm always like oh hell yeah it looks so cool now that I can see it!!!

I also think it's why I have so much desire to draw. I have a lot of ideas in my head, and I want to make them real! I want to see them too!!!

[keeps-ache]

smells are like ghosts.. when did this pomegranate get in the room