#What do you mean he stabbed an edgy water guy several times??

[helpmeplzimbeggin]

This is the man that stabbed Poseidon w/ his own trident btw

I am so late to this fandom 😭

[hiimsociallyawkward]

the darkest hour pt 2

i'm back with my bs. this is for my bestie @lady-ofmagic-andstars. basically, all of my dumb thoughts while i watched 'darkest hour pt 2', 04.02 of merlin. in case you weren't aware.. ✨spoilers✨

right off the bat i'm sad

ok when i first watched this i was really confused. i mean, you see others when they interact with the dorocha have that perpetual frost on their face right? all of them, every single one. so imagine my surprise when merlin has no frost on his face, and he's miserable yea- but he's not dead??

like tbh, watching this again, ik why but when i first watched this, i was SO confused.

arthur looks so worried slkdjfalskfsd

him being willing to abandon the mission to get merlin back to camelot to be treated 😔🤪😎🤤🤩 lots of emotions

LANCELOT. of course it's lancelot. santiago is perfect. actually.

merlin looks so SICKLY. it physically pains me to see him like that

okok hahaa. the scene where percival is carrying merlin. i have several notes on that.

1) ik it's supposed to be all 'noble' looking. yk? them walking in slow mo, percival carrying merlin like he's been slained in battle. knights looking knightly

ALL I CAN FOCUS ON IS THE LACK OF PROPER NECK SUPPORT FOR MERLIN. PLS TELL ME I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

like pls

second note, idk why this remind me of hagrid carrying harry back

idk maybe that's just me but it feels oddly reminiscent

colin is SO pale my heart is actually hurting for him what the heck

asf;lsdjfa;lsdfj 'take me with you' stop.

dude they ACTUALLY care about each other. i just love them. arthur is so worried rn and while i'm like 'alsjfalsdj i don't want arthur to be sad and worried' we can see just how MUCH arthur cares about merlin.

like yea, we KNOW that they care about each other. but arthur is the prince and merlin's a servant so arthur can't have friends, but they're friends, and they care, and it makes me happy

ok it's sad and everything that merlin's basically dying but is it bad of me that i chuckle at merlin SLUMPED over on his horse?? probably.

but i mean, merlin is already raising himself up so he can sit more comfortably on the horse. ik that doesn't mean that he's in the clear yet, but he's doing a LOT better than the other people who ran into the dorocha. idk where i'm going with this

to quote the destiny and chicken podcast (who i love btw, if you want an awesome merlin podcast, check them out), they stay on arthur's face for SO long after merlin and lancelot leave.

i feel EVERYTHING that arthur is feeling in this moment. he's so pretty

there's another beautiful landscape. i'm not even sorry i'm gonna attach them ALL.

tell me that's not gorgeous

LMAO WHAT IS GWAINE DOING IN THAT TREE.

gwaine is the EMBODIMENT of 'boys will be boys' when he sticks his hand into that tree and gets swarmed by bees.

he's adorable and i love him

ok but also, someone tell me why capes are so hot. someone TELL me.

separate from the episode but on the note of capes being hot, i want a cloak SO BADLY. like the whole gist. floor length, big hooded cloak. why?? it's not like i'm sneaking anywhere but still. ✨cloak✨

ok the line where leon goes 'if anyone can get merlin back to camelot, it's lancelot' and arthur's face?? idk what to make of it. someone help me pls.

ok actually this probably isn't the best reaction shot but someone please help

the only thing i can think of is that arthur momentarily forgot and was reminded that merlin was in danger bc of him?

another thought is that he thinks he should take merlin back instead of lancelot?

ik for a fact you guys are better at analysising this stuff than i am so pls, thoughts?

i love lancelot so much. first time i watched this, i was CRUSHED

him carrying merlin to the lake(?) pond(?) area and then covering him with his cape? i love it

ok idk why but i love the idea of merlin instinctively going towards the water

it makes me think back to how he's made of magic and basically everywhere, espeically nature, has magic and instinctively- he wants to connect with nature as much as he can so his body just puts his hand in the water

a dumber thought i had, his hand is ✨sparkly✨in the water HAHAH

omg when the water called lancelot i deadass thought it was freya. i'm actually dumb i have WATCHED this before and i STILL thought it was freya

'a future that has been written since the dawn of time' makes me so proud but also so sad at the same time

it's like, yes, merlin is going to 'save the world' but it's like he's there just to do that. anyways, i just want him to be happy

MORE SPARKLY

these water spirts are op but also MORE SPARKLY. hehe i thin kthat's so funny

also, i'm literally only like 7 mins in. buckle yourself in

l;askdjflskdjf arthur going into the tunnels with the wilderons?? i miss merlin ouch. AND THE GAJA BERRIES. arthur misses merlin.

ok percival tackling gwaine?? cuties ;))

heheheeh gwaine kicking a skull and then running directly behind arthur for protection?? pls stop. i already love you

HAHA OK. THEM WEARING THE GAJA BERRIES ON THEIR FACE REMINDS ME OF THIS FACE MASK . THAT'S LITERALLY HOW I LOOK WITH THAT THIS FACE MASK ON HAHAA

yes im dumb, but the 5 of them slowly peeking over the rock and then ducking back down?? i love that so much they're so cute

omg what's wrong with me. not these knights literally FEARING their lives and me going 'they're so cute'

ANYWAYS

gwaine you absolute dumbass. smh merlin just took it but you just HAD to stab it. #cancelled

FRICK. YOU. AGRAVAINE.

YES. i have a love hate relationship with gaius, but BUST into the council room. king energy right there

smh gaius you pUSH over.

I LOVE GWEN RIGHT HERE

YES

FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

DON'T LET ALL THOSE SMELLY OLD COUNCILMEN PUSH YOU AROUND

THIS IS ACTUALLY QUEEN SH!T RIGHT HERE EVERYONE ELSE CAN LEAVE

stfu agravaine 'gueniviere'. ST F UP

ok gwen. pop OFF

you KNOW that arthur would've fought agravaine on this. GO GWEN for speaking her mind

oh look at me with anotehr fic rec. sort of, not really. ok but this scene with gwen talking about all the villagers remind of this fic called To Love, Honor, and Piss Off by @thenerdyindividual .

ok so it's basically a fic where basically merlin and arthur have this 'arranged marriage' type thing for 3 years, and merlin is arthur's 'common consort'. what that means is that arthur marries merlin as a show of good faith and to learn more about what it means to be a commoner- merlin giving arthur the tea about commoner life

anywAYS. check that our if you want, but i loved it

stfu 'i feel the pain as much as you' agravaine. hop off my dick

YES. GWEN. PLANT THAT SEED OF DOUBT THAT AGRAVAINE MIGHT NOT BE ALL THAT HE SEEMS. i love gwen :,)

wow when she's intellegent with her speaking so everyone HAS to side with her but also respectful so NO ONE can get mad at her?? i stan. i ACTUALLY stan

santiago is so pretty

the PANIC in his voice. i stan.

HAHA AND MERLIN'S SNARKY 'SHH'

merlin is ready to GO. he's like, sorry for almost dying. that was ill advised of me.

i'm actually soft for any displays of friendship ever. what does that mean about me 💀 KIDDING. anyways..

i love the *swing* *duck* 'yea, not as quick as arthur

sa;kfs;akdfj lancelot insisting that merlin go back to camelot and merlin just nOt

LADS

stop rn. lancelot's face when merlin turns away. i am in pAin. I AM SO SAD OVER LANCELOT. PLS LANCELOT.

this isn't exactly, but morgana's paleness from here on out reminded me of merlin when he was literally DYING.

anyways, that's my note on that

like, yes- i get it- morgana is evil now. but idk should i feel bad for her? she looks so pale and ghasty and just :(

aksfhaskdjfas;ldf morgana

HAHA MORGANA IS SO EDGY IN THIS MOMENT. 'I'D RATHER DROWN IN MY OWN BLOOD THAN SEE THAT DAY' SO DRAMATIC. WHY IS SHE SO EMO/GOTH. LIKE IK I SHOULD BE SCARED FOR WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

stfu don't kill gwen i'll KiLl you

agravaine literally needs to die

stop. i am literally SCREAMING when agravaine is asking gwen to meet him in his chambers. PLS. STOP. STOP STOP STOP. I NEED A WHISLTE. I BITE MY THUMB AT AGRAVAINE. HE NEEDS TO SACK THE HATEFUL MANSION. BETTER YET I'LL BURN HIS MANSION

again, someone tell me why capes are so hot. especially these red ones?? i'm in love with them.

ok see this guy?? he just died with the forst on his face. not merlin?? he started getting better. surly that should've tipped them off that merlin was different

merlin's little head quirk when he does magic. ALSFJASLDFJAS MERLIN. NO ONE SAID YOU WERE USELESS. AND IF THEY DID I WOULD BEAT. THEM. UP. GIVE ME ADDRESS RN.

wow. seriously. i'm gonna attach all the pretty landscape pictures

morgana's like 'i'll cut a b!tch'. ok ik morgana's evil and everything, but morgana flinging that guard against the wall is bad ass

oh this is weird but gwen telling agravaine to 'show courage' but the whole room tinted green? ik this isn't harry potter or anything but idk i thought that was interesting. i'm not abt to go into if i think agravaine is a slytherin or what but still

STOP. GET. YOUR. HANDS. AWAY. FROM. HER. I ACTULALY HATE HIM. SHE'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE. BACK THE FRICK UP AGARAVINE.

morgana :( smh you can't deny that morgana and gwen carried for each other and morgana flinging gwen away is making me sad. don't touch me

asldjfasldasd 'you're never alone' elyan i love you

lancelot and merlins being lads. omg no them talking about gwen

lancelot is SO noble. stop this reminds me of Die for you in secret by @emrysofmagic so much right now. not gonna lie. your fic LITERALLY lives in my head rent free and sometimes i think of it and my heart just HURTS in those last few chapeters. PHYSICALLy. i am in pain. anyways.

stop the trope where it's like "i love them, but i just want them to be happy. it doesn't matter if they're with me or not. i just want them to be happy"

I WAS LITERALLY SCREECHING AS MERLIN WAS CALLING KILGHARRAH i'm not even capping

ok so it's been like a month ish since i've watched merlin bc i was waiting for @//f-f-podcast 's destiny and chicken podcast, so i don't exactly what terms kilgharrah and merlin are at right now

still i think it's very sweet of merlin to bow slightly when kilgharrah looks at him

'the bravest and most noble of them all' 🥺

aw. merlin is really saying good bye right now

ok this scene is weird bc like i said, i don't rlly remember how merlin and kilgharrah are right now but it still makes me sad

asldjfslakdjfasd merlin and kilgharrah are old friends now. that makes me happy but sad at the same time

ok the 'it will be an empty world without you, young warlock' kills me.

obviously, we know that even though they butt heads, kilgharrah and merlin both care about each other

not only is kilgharrah being forced to let merlin go right now, but he's making peace with the fact that he'll be alone

the last dragonlord is planning to die. and kilgharrah is going to be alone again, like he was in that cave.

another thing is that if merlin died rn then we would never have aithusia. i'm kinda going on a tangent now but idk this scene is sad

this forest is so pretty

literally just lancelot's face and lancelot in this whole episode.

that's my note

HAHA GWAINE BURNING IS SOCKS

LADS BEING LADS

I LOVE THEM

omg i always see posts about this.

like merlin and lancelot planned that lancelot was going to walk in first and trick them and THEN merlin walked in

that's so funny to me. they're SO dramatic HAHAH

merlin looks so happy

BRO

ARTHUR

JUST HUG

HIM

PLS

STO

P

JUST HUG HIM WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM

Tell me why they actually look MARRIED here. PLS

🥲🥲 SELF SACRIFICING IDIOTS I LOVE YOU BOTH YOURE BREAKING MY HEART

LADS I LOVE THEM

🤠🤠 arthur wanting Gwen to be happy is KILLING ME. He loves her so much

This is so pretty. Honestly like how

Who let merlin have this many pretty landscapes

HOENSTLY

Lajs;dlkfajd buds in a boat together.

This reminds me of going to amusement parks and there’s always that boat ride

They’re the cutest

Ok so they also have this picture. It’s actually 3 pictures spliced together because the episode pans down and it’s really badly spliced (sorry) but LOOk how pretty that is.

WTF

Omg not me literally copying merlin with his slow mo head flick at the wyverns to make them go away

;sldkfjasdlkjasd leon percival and elyan and my heart.

Ok i’m not even gonna try to lie. They all have my heart

Frick you cailleah

Omg i was like ‘gwaine you dumbass’ jK i love him. Pls don’t come for my neck

Asldjfasldjfka ‘i’m prepared to pay whatever price is necessary’

HAHA CAN YOU NOT. WHAT IS WITH THIS CREEPY ‘COME HITHER’ HAND MOTION MS CAILLEAH

Stopp rn. ‘It’s my density

STOP. I AM HOWLING. LANCELOT

WHY

COME BACK

NO NONO PLS. YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.

stop rn merlin is all alone.

PAN TO ARTHUR WHO IS LITERALLY SURROUNDED BY EVERYONE.

Stop they all look so sad. I’m so sad.

merlin looks like he’s cried

I’m not sure abt arthur with his ‘no man is worth your tears’ type business but still

I am ✨sad✨

I screamed at this picture. I am depressed

Anyways

Gwen’s face is killing me

I’m so sad i don’t even want to write commentaries

Arthur realizing that lancelot only died because he loved gwen

Gwen standing in front of the fire

Aslkdfjasldjfa im so sad

HER STANDING IN FRONT OF THE FIRE ALL ALONE.

I. AM. SO. SAD.

STFU THAT THRONE IS NOT “RIGHTFULLY” YOURS MORGANA

STOP PLS GET AWAY

WHAT IS WITH THIS WEIRD TENSION

PLS DO NOT STAND WITHIN KISSING DISTANCE

IK YOU’RE NOT TECHNICALLY BLOOD RELATED BUT STILL.

PLEASE.

STOP.

I HATE AGRAVAINE

✨we hate agravaine in this house✨

😭😭 not merlin having ANOTHER secret. I’m so sorry bby

Anyways! I’ll be back next week to rant more about the wicked day so I’ll see you then! thanks I love you bye

[robotslenderman]

Eternal Hearts Liveblog, pt 1

Special thanks to @missn11​, who is probably mortified their name is associated with this travesty of a post, for letting me get my filthy little hands on this piece of embarrassing VTM history.

Okay guys, time to do the thing that’s gonna get me cancelled by fifteen-year-olds in the year 2032:

I’m gonna liveblog Eternal Hearts.

I once promised myself I would never make a rape joke, but today I break that vow because even the rape scenes are (sometimes) just that fucking ridiculous that I had to make fun of them.

This book is just.

Guys.

It’s GLORIOUS.

In the first twenty-four pages alone we have:

A guy is confronted by a locked door, so he whips his dick out. Everyone else acts like this is completely normal.

A guy meeting Final Death because a politician sat on his face. RIP in pieces Noah.

A mortal setting herself on fire, waving her arms around and running at a bunch of vampires yelling “DIE, YOU BASTARDS!”

A guy using his dick as a key ring. (Yeah, it’s the locked door guy.)

Lucita given the Hallowe’en treatment, in that she’s covered with sewage -- but sexy!

Daddy kink on top of the Washington monument.

Only some of the above makes sense in context. Some of it is as baffling in context as it is out of context.

This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Nobody told me about this when I went in holy shit.

Time to open this sucker up!

Liveblog under the cut!

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT ETERNAL HEARTS IS, DO NOT READ THIS LIVEBLOG, HOLY SHIT.

You’re in for a ride, and it’s the edgiest, unsexiest ride ever.

First thing I notice: Eternal Hearts is, in fact, written by a woman. Which may mean that if she wanted to scare the shit out of her female readers, she'd know exactly how to do it.

gulp.

(^ I wrote that back when I thought I was gonna traumatise myself by reading this. OH BOY)

Next bit, the rape book is opened by the following foreword:

What follows is an essay that basically boils down to "no! :D but we wrote it anyway!”

Partway through that is this quote:

We’ll come back to that quote later. Several times, I predict.

Aaaand we open straight into a gang rape scene! Oh joy. And there’s church spires, to make it extra edgy.

Oh but then they give her the Kiss so she enjoys it! Yay!

Oh.

She's a shovelhead.

They never mentioned THIS part of the Sabbat recruitment process.

and now she's underground and buried and being raped again? Somehow. Like somebody’s got their entire goddamn fist in there. While under six feet of dirt. I know someone’s got their entire damn fist in there because the Shovelhead’s thinking about how somebody got their entire goddamn fist in there.

(Yeah this is the bit I had to make jokes about because it was that fucking ridiculous. I started this out trying to be respectful. I failed. Miserably. I just can’t fucking do it this is too -- too -- Eternal Hearts-y.)

Like the author just turned to the other people in the credits page and pitched this idea: “guys. Hear me out. What do you think is scarier than being raped or being buried alive?”

“idk what?”

“being raped after being buried alive!”

“That’s a GREAT idea!”

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” Remember that quote? Thank god for that.)

Jean - for that is our poor Shovelhead's name, RIP - seems only mildly concerned about the rape. and the fact it’s still happening.

Like yeah, serious talk, putting my respectful hat on: to be fair, everyone responds to trauma differently. You know how I respond to trauma? I make jokes about it. Like I’m the kind of person to say “what are you gonna do, STAB ME?” for the lols when a guy is pointing a knife at me.

Okay, respectful hat back off, back to edgy humour.

Anyway she’s being fisted by somebody while also six feet underground, somehow, and daydreaming about the guy she’s stalking and about how she’s in love with him, hmm, maybe he had something to do with it? She’s not entirely sure.

(ETA: So an anonymous Discord friend was reading my liveblog and said this:

and I laughed so hard my dog actually pawed at me because she was worried.

Yeah, I’m going to hell, but at least I know I’m taking you guys with me.)

Anyway she starts digging her way out, and I guess she’s still being fisted while she’s digging her way out???? IDK they didn’t say it stopped??? Like that’s gotta make digging your way out difficult.

And then cut to Lucita!

Walking past a protest outside a sex shop. There’s a bunch of Christian protestors outside because they’re bored or something. We get straight back into rapiness with a Dominate:

Damn Lucita, if jizzing your own brains isn't the hottest image you can give a guy, I don't know how what is.

Lucita decides to snack instead of raping him, but does sexually assault him by taking his dick from his pants and leaving it in his hand when he’s unconscious.

Lucita walks into a meeting at a brothel. There are “slaves”. I’m not sure if they’re sex slaves or if they’re actually ghouls, but then again, this is Eternal Hearts so probably both.

She expects Pieterzoon to be there, but he's not. When the others start talking like he's missing, she is completely unconcerned and immediately starts talking as if she knows he's missing.

They move on. Pieterzoon has paid Lucita to assassinate Marcus Vitel. Good fucking luck with that one. Everyone at the meeting is trying to stop her from doing it. Lucita’s like “tough shit he’s already paid me bitch is gonna die”.

Also the Brujah woman present is apparently this scene’s titillation or something because the author loves to remind us about how tight her clothes are and how she's "seductively cuddling" people.

no fucking kidding

I like how the VTM universe goes out of its way to avoid using the terms “son” and “daughter” to avoid the Unfortunate Implications when people inevitably start fucking their Sires

and the author’s like "nah fuck that let’s daddy kink it up.”

Oh and he does it ON TOP OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT!! Like gang rape in a churchyard wasn’t edgy enough I guess.

the author can't go a paragraph without reminding us that sex exists and everyone is utterly sex crazed. The bit I blacked out above? That was Lucita daydreaming about hiring a prostitute. Like that’s not erotica, erotica is arousing, this is just voyeurism.

Lucita apparently hasn't yet noticed she's in a porno.

Somebody makes a joke about the Christian protestors gang raping the prostitutes outside. It’s a Ventrue. Of course it is.

Apparently the slave (I guess the word “ghoul” isn’t sexy enough) in the above screenshot is a fucking senator. Pun not intended. She soothes the cranky Brujah by suggesting they get somebody called Torres deported? I have no idea what that has to do with Lucita assassinating Marcus Vitel, but there's almost certainly going to be fucking involved.

(ETA 23/1/21 -- I regret to inform you all that there wasn’t “fucking” involved so much as gang rape. Never mind.)

Lucita and the Brujah guy almost start stabbing each other (so much for that soothing), but somebody has just set the brothel on fire so they have to GTFO.

The mortal senator can't quite fit inside the escape tunnel because her skirt is huge and keeping it on is apparently more important than not dying of smoke inhalation. But it’s okay, she manages it.

The skirt will be important later, unfortunately.

They come to a locked door in the passage. Oh no, whatever will they do?

Will they take a key out of their pocket and unlock it?

Nah, that’s too fucking sensible.

The Brujah that tried to punch Lucita whips out his dick.

Yes.

He actually fucking does that.

Weird flex, but okay.

(ETA 21/1/21 -- I just realised... what if it’s somebody ELSE’S penis he just whipped out? Like the thing was actually just chilling out and he pulls it out the way somebody else pulls out a cucumber. It’s not attached to his body, it’s just THERE?)

Everyone is completely unfazed by this. Both by the fact he whipped his dick out, and the fact he uses it as a fucking key ring.

Like. Is this a habit of his????? APPARENTLY IT IS.

(ETA: Anonymous Discord friend says:

SDFADLFJASDLFJASDF)

They end up in a sewer.

Garinson keeps a key to a sewer on his dick key ring.

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” yeah I just remembered another place more fitting for a sewer key)

THEN!!!

PLOT TWIST!!

The senator suddenly threatens everyone with a lighter!!

After the kindred are done laughing their ass off, she covers herself in whiskey, sets herself on fire and charges them.

I'm sorry but the way it's worded - pin wheeling, cringing - just makes this the funniest shit. It gets even funnier when you remember they’re knee-deep in water. Ever tried to run in water? It’s. not exactly easy. So presumably she’s tripping and stumbling the entire time and somehow still on fire as she does so.

A kindred tries to escape by clawing his way up the wall. He falls. The senator assassinates him by flinging her skirt over his head and sitting on his face. That part of her is also on fire. The skirt and her thighs are on fire.

And I guess they’re obviously not thigh-deep in water any more ‘cause the poor fuck doesn’t survive this.

what a way to fucking go: death by fire pussy.

Everyone panics, except Lucita, who's like "fuck this", cuts off her head, puts out the corpse, then, uh. uses it as a shield against the remaining flames. as you do.

(Between that and the above screenshot, there’s graphic descriptions of what, exactly, the fire is doing to the senator, and how said senator doesn’t give a flying fuck that fire is kinda hurty because she hates vampires that fucking much.)

Lucita meets a Nosferatu who offers to guide her from the sewers. On the next page, we have an illustration of Lucita, in sewage, looking up at the Nosferatu.

You couldn’t possibly make that picture sexy, could you?

Welp the artist went “Challenge accepted!”

So I wanted to show you guys the picture but I didn’t want to get too banned from Tumblr for an Eternal Hearts liveblog, so I went to my friends for help. One of them, @intimidatethevoid​, answered the call to arms:

Well.

This is awkward.

And so she bestowed upon me this glorious, but also cursed, image:

Yeah.

Her shirt’s somehow come off. And she isn’t wearing any knickers. Hence the Filthy Frank sticker.

And that’s gonna wrap up part 1 of my Eternal Hearts liveblog!

For more, like this post in secret shame so that none of your followers have to see it. To cancel me, send angry anon messages and death threats to my inbox.

[that-mom-friend-talks]

Inspiration hit me hard so more headcanons!

The Sides as DND Classes (based off my limited but passionate knowledge of DND)

Everyone has at least a little bit of hard, because this is Thomas were talking about it'd be a crime if they didn't sing.

Virgil: Rogue. He just goes ghost at any time he pleases. Awkward conversation? Rolled a 7, that's 16 for stealth he's out. Said "you too" at any point ever? 24 he's outta there. Epitome of fight or flight, when he wants to be he's a nightmare. He'll outrun you after he stabs you in the gut. Also, super edgy, fits his aesthetic, and generally just makes sense.

Patton: Cleric. Healing! He wants to make sure his kiddos are doing a-okay, so he knows quite a bit about healing. Don't be fooled, though, he's got some tricks up his sleeve that hit hard. He may be the default healer but he is by no means weak. Surprisingly strong, and has moments of great wisom but also cries over baby birds. A sweetheart that doesn't want to hurt anyone but if you hurt his famILY first you're dead.

Logan: Wizard. He studied so damn hard to come this far, you bet his nerd butt is learning magic. Very practical spells, more buffs and defense than offense, but his methods are unusual. Fight on a beach? Control water to give the enemy a bubble that they drown in. Fight near on a cliff? Aims at their feet to knock them off. Epitome of "work smarter not harder, he does a little that goes a long damn way. He chooses very simplistic spells that most would scoff at, but uses them in ways never thought of before. Always a slut for bookshops and libraries, and may or may not be creating (discovering?) a whole new type of magic because he can.

King Creativity: the Bardiest Bard to ever Bard. Incredible voice, can heal you with his song, or can make his voice crack so bad the enemy takes damage. Charisma is high, and he abuses that fact by trying to sleep with anything and everything (man shaped). Once successfully fucked a dragon to let the party escape. No shame, and he's got game. A truly killer combo.

Roman: Paladin. The closest to a knight you can get. He's royalty, and had to learn the hard way that you shouldn't flaunt it everywhere. Got mugged by a guy he hit on in a shady bar. Swore to never do it again (he still does sometimes, but he's more wary of it). Heart of gold and sword of steel, he can and will cut a bitch. Talk shit get hit describes him kinda well. Could be dying and still look hot. It's honestly infuriating. Leans more heavily into the Bard than the others, and constantly singing in exchange for things. Has a crush on a guard in every place he goes.

Remus: Warlock or Druid. On one hand, warlock would be very chaotic of him, he'd have a pact with a demon to get neat spells that can kill people faster. But on the other hand, druids can turn into animals and I know no one more feral than the rat man. Either way, he looks like a noodle but is actually pretty strong, constantly getting into fights and glad about it, would start a bar fight because he's bored. Has died several times, and his party is so used to it they have a bag full of med stuff and diamonds just labeled "Remus did it again". He thinks it's hilarious. Probably has a bag of holding filled with limbs or severed penises.

Deceit: Monk. Follows a strict code, but that code is personal. Tries to root out corruption in governments and businesses, relatively successful. Ignores the irony of being part of an organization that polices other organizations. Knows a lot about healing because he befriended Remus. Is a slippery snek, very wily and good at getting out of situations. Master bullshitter, has a stupid good persuasion and deception (duh). Has an ear on everything, finds out dirt on anyone he possibly can. Prefers not to fight if he can help it, but can hold his own just fine.

Remy: Mage. Not a Cleric or Warlock bc no one can tie him down. Favorite spell is sleep, does it as often as he can at the most inconvenient times possible. Has gotten out of situations by knocking people out and leaving. Really good charisma, and uses that to his advantage. He hates getting into fights, so he will do as much as he can to either knock you out or make you fight for him. Charm person and sleep, he loves them. Also pretty good at alchemy and potions, makes himself ones all the time so he's gotten pretty good.

Emile: Ranger. Has a really good relationship with nature, and does his best to protect it and those he cares about. Loves animals, can be found talking to any creature around him at any time. Disney princess vibes, because all animals just adore him. Because of this he knows a lot, and the creatures tell him all sorts of stuff. Good perception, good wisdom. He usually likes to heal, but will fight if it comes to it. He usually doesn't want to but he also doesn't want to die so he does what he must. More defense than offense, and helps with the aftermath. He's met and helped a lot of people, so he knows what he's doing.

Orange: Barbarian. This guy just wants to burn every place he can to the ground, and his first reaction to anything is violence. Ally? Stabbed. Key NPC? Decapitated. Hotel? Trivago.

Thomas: the poor, poor DM. Joan also helps out with a lot of it, because they're awesome like that.

I hope this all makes relative sense and is at least kinda accurate! I have many many thoughts about this, and will probably be sharing more.

[mauriooo]

when you’ve died inside so much that you put down your ocs as vines

(sorry in advance uwu i’ll link the vines on the names though)

(also just a warning i’m only cursing (albeit censored in most cases cos i’m a wimp) in this for the sake of the vine)

Skye - (@ her parents) ms keisha? ms keisha? oh my fxckin god she fxckin dead Pine - (Rico (dead boyfriend) don’t tell your mother ( P )  kiss one another ( R ) dIE FOR EACH OTHER-- Lavender - (cumulo (skye and lavender’s dad)) let me see what you have!! ( L ) a knife!! :) ( C ) nO-- (is stabbed) (prism (s/l’s mom)) oH MY GOD WHY DOES SHE HAVE A KNIFE-- (is also stabbed) CC - i eat cheerios because they’re heart healthy! and my heart has been severely damaged. so john if you’re out there- Pharaoh - (cc does something cool and/or hot while music plays in the background) wow,, Hawthorn - welcome to physics! (sets something on fire) AAAAAAAAAA HOLY MOTHER-- Genesis - (@ hawthorn talking to a police officer) hawthorn! is that a police? i’m calling the weed! (puts 420 into microwave) (disas on other end) 420 whatchu smokin-- Aurora/Downpour - ( A ) i am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand! ( D ) POSEIDON QUIVERS BEFORE HER!! ( A ) FXCK OFF-- Glitch - (hawthorn’s dad Bracken who is a big ol meanie) you stupid ( G ) no i’m not!! ( B ) what’s 9+10? ( G ) ...21 ( B ) yOU STUPID-- Matrix - (after bracken gives him food for the first time in a week (edgy backstory yay!!)) it’s an avocado! ...thanks,, Nova - hurr burr, i have jobs, and a wife, and a kid, and a mortgage and if i drop a bag of my favorite chips on the ground i don’t cry about it Aeria - (Nova, hearing weird flapping sounds) wait what’s that? is that a butterfly? (Aeria, doing the same thing with her ears and wings as in the original vine) ...it’s me Fiti - oh my gah! i think i found my berries!! (holds up a pinecone and takes a bite) (spits it out) ...not my berries :( Ka - (@ the soldiers ready to burn down the entire Gerania kingdom (fiti’s home)) i don’t know what you’re-- (first fire is lit) AAAAAAA-- YOU BETTER STOP, STOP!! BXTCH, STOP! AAAAAAAAAAA-- Blackjack/Hallo - ( H ) haha, it’s like we finish each other’sssss... ( B ) ...sssssSSSATAN WILL RIIIIIIIIISE-- Kohana - i’m nuts about these nuts! but i’m also nuts about my close good friends. (hallo, blackjack, and nimbus surround her) (voiceover) my close good friends! Nimbus - (learning how to fly with music in the background) we’re SOARIN (she slams into the ceiling) FLYINGGG~ Digit/Khloe - ( K ) do you ever want to talk about your emotions, digit? ( D ) mmmm.... no (matrix, faintly) i do ( K ) i know matrix ( M ) i’m sad ( K ) i know matrix Disas - (some random cashier) we actually have the chip reader now! (D, after hacking the cash register, holding up a tortilla chip) oh yeah? hmmmm (cashier) oh it’s not gonna work with that kind of-- (cash register) transaction complete :) (cashier) ...?????? Inklii - (anyone not a dog in the furry universe) is that a DOG in a CAR-- HEY! H E Y! ARE YOU- WHERE’D YOU LEARN TO DRIVE?? ( I ) (muffled barking) (random person) WHAT-- Artemis - (covering up her good eye so she can’t see) hi i’m sorry i didn’t see you there, i was too busy mmmmmm blockin out the haters Luna - (@ bee and sol) i love you bxtch,, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you BXTCH-- Sol - ( S ) that one friend that’s always cold (some random guild member) i’m cold.... ( S ) you’re always cold! but i’ll be damned if you’re not my friend. Bee - (@ sol) hey i’m lesbian ( S ) ...i thought you were Fioran?? Hazel - (seeing the Nothing (Horror Show antagonist, working name) for the first time) aAA-- AAAAAA!! (runs out) (comes back with a baseball bat) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (tries to hit it and fails cos it’s ~incorporeal~) Virus/Michael - (while he was still alive, in a mcdonalds, on a scooter, @ the cashier) do you know what a mcflip is? (the poor cashier) no ( M ) lemme show you (puts scooter on table and gets on) mcFLIP (does a flip off of the counter) Jinx/Cassidy - (anyone who’s ever reciprocated cassidy’s feelings after confessing) oh hey mailman whaddya got? (mailman) just this LETTER!! (reciprocator) aahhhh (mailman) aaaaaaahhhh (cassidy voiceover) jonathan, i don’t love you anymore Chance/Ezekiel - (sees cassidy with a knife) aa (gets stabbed by cassidy) aAA (watches cassidy stab lisa and then herself before he dies) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- Boo/Lisa - (B after becoming a ghost and seeing Jinx) AAAAAAAAAAA-- AAAAAA ( J ) why are you running? WHY are you running?? Gardenia - (Ashe, bringing in a bouquet) hey babe, happy 1 year (Gardenia, not understanding) ....i’m 23?? Ashe - (after setting off a fire alarm just by being in the room) (you kinda have to watch the original vine for this one) Meredy - i don’t care about my haters, and if you wanna fight me (pulls out knife) then fight me :) Connor - (Nikki) hey how much money do you have? ( C ) uh,, 69 cents ( N ) oop! you know what that means!! ( C ) (sniff) ...i don’t have enough money for chicken nugget :,( Nikki - (before getting prosthetics (xe was born with no arms)) do you think you could push the elevator button for me? (some jerk) no, nikki.... fxckin weirdo (throws water bottle at nikki) Renier - (entering a random room in Card Castle) i’m making copies!! (pushing past Clover) MOVE, i’m GAY (voiceover) in the Card Castle, being gay just has its perks Anais - (holding a fist-sized piece of jello) jello? more like hello (inhales the jello) (chokes) Coraline - who am i? let’s go to the beach, beach! .....ninki minjaj Edward - mr spider? why was it funny to bite me? (steps on spider) is it still funny, mr spider? (dies) Henry - haha! that is NOT correct! because according to the encyclopedia of (indescript lip smacking) Charity - ( C ) i am old! (literally any other zodiac) how old are you? ( C ) sIxTeEn!! i’m a grandmotha Alexander/Evan/Evelyn - (A, jokingly) hail satan! (E1/E2, at the same time) ...hail satan!! ( A ) (loses it) Leander - (as a kid while still alive) you’re disrespecting- you’re disrespecting a future US Army soldier!! (couldn’t find the original clip so have the memed one) Bianca - (Leander, yelling out the window) baaaa!! (Bianca, unamused but still willing to play along) bAAAAAA!!!! Griffin - (holding a coupon for two free tacos) yEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!! (seeing a jack in the box (i think that’s it) in the yet-to-be-named zodiac land) YESSSSS YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (completely normal voice at the register) i got two free tacos!! Jacques - (marlowe, after teaching him about memes, handing him an empty bottle) here! ( J ) ..this bxtch is empty! (throws bottle) yEET!!! Kai - (@ marlowe while henry and griffin are making out in his (marlowe’s) house) what the fxck-- is this allowed?? what the fxck, is that allowed?? ( H ) sTOP-- Marlowe - hey guys. good alternative to recycling. when you’re done with a glass bottle, eat it! fxckin eat the bottle-- Kibo/Melanie - (melanie) i brought you frankincense (kibo) thank you ( M ) and i brought you.... murrh ( K ) thank you (M, revealing all the people she’s killed for kibo’s love) murrh-DER!!! :D ( K ) (gasp) melanie.... no Lady Fate - (anyone) please, lady fate, just let me have ONE good day?? ( LF ) oh my god, you again? give it a rest, buddy! Piccolo/Newton - (N is sitting on a building) (voiceover) every step you take (P is behind him on a taller building) (voiceover) i’ll be watching you Mauri - *badly strumming guitar* hey, how you doing, well i’m doing just fine, i lied, i’m dying inside Emu - just click the link Aether - oh hi, thanks for checking in, i’m ~still a piece of garbage!!~

[lord-dusk]

Jurassic Emblem-Chapter 9

You thought JE was merely fantasy? Well, my friend, your mind is about to be mind-blown! >:3

 Teba and Warbler were in the deep sea. Specifically, 35 meters below the isle of Nifl, surrounded by what what appeared to be a frenzy of shear-toothed chameleon-sharks and flame-spewing dolphin-lizards.

How did Teba and Warbler end up in this crazy shit? Well you sea, the two mercenaries had escaped confinement by feigning their death. It wasn’t very easy, given how excellent the olfactory senses of raptors are, and many predators can easily distinguish between a sleeping living creature and a creature whose brains and hearts have stopped. By coating himself and Warbler with their own feces, they had disguised themselves as luxurious buffets for flies, and Echo and Charlie wasted no time to toss the mercs into a man-hole.

Unknowingly to the raptors, the dilo and the salamander were still alive, albeit smelly. They were wandering through the sewers underneath Askr when the floor began to quiver upwards. Teba knew too damn well that shoggoth Andromeda had some news to report to them. They were, under the newly assigned orders by Sha’Rad Yuwi, to find Lucina and the raptors and have them dead with twelve days. Even Warbler for all her toxic personality felt a shiver down her spine;if there was one thing Sha’Rad Yuwi was good at, it was killing subordinates who disappointed her, and Teba and Warbler nodded their hands reluctantly.

“What about the embryos however?” Teba asked.

“Ahhn, don’t worry cute-boy~<3, I’ll take care of things on my part too~.” Andromedra replied in her own lewd way. “Ahhn, I hear Luci-Bluci are at Nifl, so there’s a chance it might be a water level. Teba, you’re fine as you are since you are an amphibian, though you might want this Warbler.” Andromeda formed a part of her gooey body into a cylindrical tank with tubing and a respirator, detached it, and gave the whole thing to Warbler.

“Oh I get it! Now that’s what they call Direct Kissing:French Maid edition!” Warbler cackled.

“Glad you like it, Warbler-chan~” Andromeda was burning hot, despite the cold damp sewers. “Ahhhn, it’s so cute to see you two cuties ready for your mission that I can’t wait for you to COME on down~!”

PLOOOSH! Teba and Warbler were thrown to the water by a push from Andromeda. Warbler immediately donned the respirator, attached the cylinder onto her back. Teba started to swim towards the mouth of the sewer, make their way through the Askran waterways, and head on out towards Nifl where those velociraptors are.

                                   *********

The waters were dark and freezing, Teba thought. He had hoped that as an aquatic creature, this mission would be relatively easy, given how the environment is within his forte. You would expect Warbler to be a popsicle by now, but she was surprisingly resilient, furiously paddling to create thermal radiation. It had been four days since they headed out from Askr and the two mercs were starting to feel fatigued. Periodically they sit down and rest on the rocky bottoms, eating passing fish that swam by. 

They came across a sign. A metal crossing sign on a rocky cliff over looking a patch of sea-floor below that was neon-lit with various fluorescent lights. Skyscrapers rising into the water column, illuminating the otherwise black sea. 

Teba was quite out of breath, and decided to rest adjacent to the crossing sign. “This looks like a very suitable place to recharge our batteries, so to speak,” the samurai said. “The view here is very magnificently beautiful I might add.”

“I could use a nice bottle of Caubernot Sauvignon to go with the view!” Warbler spoke, stretching her arms and legs. “ My body’s aching from all that swimming we just did over the past few days-wait, Teba, how many days had passed since we left that jail?”

“Well, the answer’s already in the above paragraph.” Teba answered. “Look above.”

“........Awww shit-!! Shit! Fuck! FOUR DAYS!?! Holy macaroni-with-wine the deadline’s in three days! That angry bitch is going to rip our spines out if those rowdy-raptors aren’t dead by then!!”

Teba pat his hand on Warbler’s head, stroking her white hair. “Don’t be so edgy. I have a feeling that those raptors are closer to us than you might  expect.”

Teba loosened up somewhat. “Whats makes you so sure of that?”

“Nothing in particular. I am not exactly sure if my theory is correct, but something is telling me that the lizards we’re hunting are right above us at the surface.”

“You mean those sharky-looking things with googly eyes, long tongues, and fiery throats?” Warbler pointed her finger behind Teba.

“What ‘shark-things’?” Teba questioned, as he spun his head. What he saw chilled him even more than the surrounding water.

 There were a massive swarm of sharks all around them, but they weren’t exactly “normal” sharks that you think of. They were lime-green whose flanks had a red horizontal stripe running down from their odd jaws that are likened to a pair of shears with one row of teeth on each mandible. Vertical light-blue bands crossed the red stripes, and the sharks possessed strange, calculating eyes situated on fleshy pink stalks that spun and twitched periodically.

Almost like the aquatic version of a chameleon,Teba thought, frowning.

There was another group of creatures as well, creatures that resembled dolphins, save for their curious three-lobed tails shaped like those from airplanes, and they were ivory white with splotches of ember orange on them. Their snouts were particularly long, like a gharial’s, and indeed, embers were falling out their mouths.

“Awww hell. Why can’t happy things ever happen to bad guys like us?” Warbler groaned.

Teba was just about to ready his katana blades into battle when something smacked around his belly, wrapping him up and tightening, causing him to drop one of his blades unto the ground. He didn’t have to realize that he was seized by the elongated tongue of one of the chameleon-sharks, and the creature was pulling Teba towards its jaws and was about to slice him in two when the samurai managed to stab his katana under the creature’s upper jaw and out its forehead between the eye-stalks. A deep crimson cloud filled with pieces of brain seep out and the chameleon-shark loosened its grip on Teba, and he was released. 

But when a previous danger passes, a new one immediately begins. A dolphin had opened its jaws agape, and spewed out expansive flames near Teba. The amphibious samurai leapt into the water column, barely missing the flames as a piece of ember had caught on his yukata.

Warbler picked up Teba’s second katana blade and proceeded to slice apart several of the chameleon-sharks and fire-breathing dolphins.”Take that bitches! Oh hey, you dolphins remind me of Celicunt from Echoes-because you girls all have celiac disease from guzzling down raw flour all day! Kahahahahaha~!” Several heads,fins,and tails floated down towards the ground as the waters were reddened by blood and organs-not that you see them in the darkness anyway.

“I see that you’re quite invigorated once more,” Teba remarked, slicing apart fire-dolphins and chameleon-sharks here and there. “If you don’t mind, I think I would like one of my blades back.”

“Sure thing Tebs!” Warbler chirped as she tossed the katana blade she was wielding towards the samurai, kabobing more sharks and dolphins in the process.  The dilophosaur took her Dragonstone from her breast pocket, and proceeded to transform into her saurian form, and tore apart more of the creatures.

“Sword Shield”. Teba activated his signature move. Emanating electromagnetic impulses, he spun his blades all around himself hand-free and shredded apart more sharks and dolphins. The shield might not be able to block the dolphin’s flame-spewing, but it’ll certainly chop the tongues of those water-chameleons. 

There was more slaughter when a bright magenta laser had pierced the ground between the mercenaries and the creatures.

“Alright ladies and mentlegen, why don’t we channel your violence into something more productive?”

A tall inigo-magenta man was floating down from the water column, and landed between one of the dolphins and Teba. 

“Dear me, what if Lady Basilice sees this chaos? She might add it as an action sequence in her writing, tough she does appreciate there will be a percentage of persons that will find carnage as appealing as moldy cotton candy.”

“What reason do you have for stopping our fighting?” Teba questioned the man in front of him, his attire the opposite tone of the samurai’s yukata. While Teba wore yukata that were colorful but not overly garish, the man’s clothes were very flashy. His jacket was deep navy with white and magenta lines, his boots were the same theme, and the man wore blood-red headphones around his ears. Pink and purple chromatophores running down on his cheek and hands added to the neon effect.

The fluorescent man waved to the remaining sharks and dolphins. They held their tongues and fire. “Listen, these guys here saw you wandering on this cliff and they simply wanted to welcome you to our city Neon Choral,” the man explained. “It would seem there was a huge misunderstanding and there was quite the ruckus.”

“May I have your name?” Teba asked.”It would be very tedious to the reader if they had to call a flashy fellow like you ‘The Man.’‘‘

“Call me Laba. Labea Iridophorous. And I would like to treat you to a local tea-house as a form of apology.”

“Will there be some sake as well?” Warbler licked her lips.

“Oh yes, there will be, my dear,” Laba answered, smiling. “In fact, I think I can escort you to those surface lizards you’re so eager to hunt.”

[thatgunskid]

Jeff Woods is not as bad as you think (but it's still pretty bad)

A study in how to make a cringy creepypasta character even cringier

               I recently finished my first viewing of Jeff Woods, a webseries formerly part of the Fear Mythos that got uncanonized along with several other stories related to an entity called “The Architect.”  They went and formed their own universe, called The Architectverse, which I may cover in a future entry. The inclusion of scenes from The Architect saga as I have named it (which spans four channels and is extremely confusing if not viewed in context with the other three channels) made to make a story that already overstayed its welcome even longer.  That is not to say that the series is without merit, there were several things I enjoyed, from the inclusion of Jane the Killer (Who didn’t really do much and only showed up in person at the end even though she was hinted to all the way back in Video 4) to Jeff’s younger brother Liu (who thankfully wasn’t written in the same way as his CreepyPasta counterpart) to the way it dealt with Slenderman (who honestly is not a great plot device unto himself but works well as a side character or an ominous presence and thank God not in any fan-fictiony way).  Keep in mind that it may seem like I am being overly kind at the start, but that’s because this series was made at the start by twelve and thirteen-year-olds, so a small amount of cringe is to be expected. I will be keeping a running tally of horror webseries tropes and appearances of Slenderman.

               The series opens with Jeff and Logan, who appear to have been best friends for years and are going to keep in touch by uploading videos to the same youtube channel talking to each other a la vlogbros back in the day.  And right out the gate, within the first six videos we have no less than five horror tropes [check total video time on this]. First one is kind of meta, it’s the naming conventions of the videos, Test Video, Video 1.avi, etc.  Then we have a typical found footage camera test, driving footage twice, and white text on a black background. The latter shows up an awful lot in this series, and while I don’t have a problem with it per se, it becomes an issue when used in conjunction with the character using it speaking to the camera SECONDS BEFOREHAND.  Aside from these issues, the series starts out strong, establishing who the characters are, why we should care about them, (despite them being a bit cringe but again, they were 12-13 at the time so). We’re introduced to Jeff’s main antagonist for Arc 1, the leader of the bully gang, Kyler, who has no real reason to bully the new kid other than plot.  This is where my issues with the story really start to come out. In Video 6.avi, Jeff’s brother Liu gets attacked with a knife by Kyler’s gang, Jeff tries to defend him, and Jeff is the one to get in trouble, even having to appear in court DESPITE HAVING RECORDED THE INCIDENT ON HIS CAMERA. Then, two days before he is set to appear in court, the gang breaks into Jeff’s house and tries to kill him.  He gets pushed into the water heater and somehow it explodes (which wouldn’t happen unless they shorted the power to the inside of the heater somehow), destroying his camera and burning his face in the process. Then Jeff goes all murder-hobo and kills all the kids in the gang, with Chris and Kyler managing to escape. I’m going to skip to the video Message at this point, where Jeff does Jeff things, fights with Logan because everyone is against him apparently, and who should appear but old Diddle Fingers himself, complete with audio and video distortion.  Then nothing much of note happens, Logan meets up with Kyler to go find Jeff and talk some sense into him, they break into Jeff’s house, Jeff threatens Logan’s family, Jeff fights Logan again and brings Jeff to Slenderman, and Kyler and Jeff both disappear. Jeff is being chased by a group called The Sentience, kind of a Slenderman Cult, and they want him to become one of their gods by dying and being reborn. Jeff meets Alex from North Woods (another of the Architectverse series and the first that he interacts with), and Derek, the secondary protagonist for the series shows up.  His whole deal is that he’s trying to save his brother from Jeff, an admirable goal but he goes about it in all the wrong way. Granted everything in this universe works kind of the opposite way you would think, but there you go. Anyway, it is revealed that Jeff went off his meds, Jeff attacks Logan again, and kills him, saying “I don’t need friends” showing us that he really is beyond saving. Derek starts uploading to Jeff’s channel (which I will discuss my opinion on later) and giving us background for a lot of the events that happened (it is in his second video that it is revealed the water heater exploded).

               In what I am dubbing the second arc of the series, Jeff starts fighting a masked guy who is linked with Edward from Sirens in the Night named Reaper, who is looking for masks for some reason.  Jeff finds one of the gang who escaped, kills him, kills Liu after Liu trying to stop him (also underage drinking, don’t do that kids). Logan survives, attacks Jeff with a knife, loses, Jeff pulls a Habit and murders him to a song.  We find out that Jeff, Edward, Alex, and the guy from Mayhem Theory (the other main Architectverse story) are all marked for something. Jeff finds a mystical shiny thing and takes it, it turns into a burned stick. Derek tries to attack Jeff but they get teleported away.  Then we find out that Jeff is being controlled by The Virus, he attacks Derek and Chris, Chris ended up stabbed, Jeff ended up shot, according to Alex the west coast got nuked (the first of many nukings), Edward’s channel got taken over, and Mayhem Theory bowed out of all the craziness after discovering that he lives in an alternate universe.  Jeff calls out Derek and they fight, Derek gets saved by Zero from Sirens, Slenderman teleports Jeff to Texas. Zero shows up again, shoots Jeff who doesn’t have his powers, the Virus comes back and Jeff teleports home, passing out in his garage. He wakes up to the news that Alex and his gang nuked Texas to kill Jeff even though they were working together literally five videos earlier.  Then in the most ambitious crossover event before Infinity War, Alex, Edward, and Jeff find The Architect, fight him, and kill him ultimately. It is also revealed that Zero was Edward from another universe. Then for some reason Alex is killed by Edward. Then Jeff packs up a box of tapes, says he is going home, and leaves the camera in the middle of the road. He also calls out Derek and Derek feels like he has lost.

               In what I’m calling Arc 3, Derek has been scouring all of the old videos for a lead to where Jeff has gone.  He finds a clue in Logan saying that Jeff used to live near him, so if he can find Logan’s house, he can find Jeff.  He finds a girl in the woods wearing all black, finds a diary in a box in the woods. It belongs to Jane, and details how Jeff killed her family by burning their house down, and dates that prove she was around the whole time.  Jane steals her diary back, and runs away after discovering that Jeff is still alive. He eventually finds him by following a blood trail through the woods (later revealed to be Jane’s). Jeff breaks his arm, and gets shot in the gut.  Then Jeff gets his back broken by the Virus. Then we find out that Jeff isn’t really dead, Derek finds his old house, gets a box of tapes with everyone’s name on them. Kyler’s tape just shows Derek and Chris near Kyler before he gets killed (even though it didn’t happen).  The tape with Chris and Derek’s names on it won’t play. Jane’s tape shows her getting stabbed in the gut moments before Derek showed up. Logan’s tape shows a different version of Video 6 than we saw, it showed Logan talking about Jeff burning down Jane’s house. The Virus went after him because he knew too much.  Jeff’s tape shows the first time the Virus took over Jeff. He murders some kid in the park and finds a note telling him that he needs the Virus. Jeff shows up, kidnaps Chris, and Derek chases him. He shoots Jeff in the leg, fights him, then kills him for real this time. Derek sits near the lake contemplating life, then tosses the diary into the lake.  Then they decide they need to GTFO (because doing that earlier just wouldn’t make sense), Derek finds Jane’s diary outside the house soaking wet. Jane wants Derek dead because she was supposed to kill Jeff, she kidnaps Chris and Derek gives chase again, finally finds him in the garage. Jane knocks him out, then monologues at him after Waking up. She leaves to kill Chris, Derek breaks out of his bonds, grabs the gun, Jane kills Chris, then gets shot in the face. He reads a note from Jeff that tells him they really aren’t all that different. The series closes on Derek driving away and police sirens blaring in the background.

               So like I said at the start, there are good things in this series.  It began brimming with the potential for a fresh take on Jeff the Killer.  What we got was typical edgy thirteen year olds not knowing what to do with the source material they had, and the potential then suffered for it.  One of my biggest gripes is that Derek was uploading to the same channel as Jeff. From a logistical standpoint it makes sense, easier to upload and all that, but it kind of takes you out of the immersion.  Why are they both uploading to the same channel? Why doesn’t Jeff lock Derek out? Another gripe I had was that the majority of Arc 2 could have been skipped and nothing would have been lost storywise. And the shit that people give them, nuking Texas and all that, wasn’t even Jeff that did it, it was just mentioned as something that someone associated with Jeff did and people assume that means that Jeff was responsible.  Anyway long story short Jeff Wods is objectively bad, but there were parts that genuinely made me think it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and then some parts that just made me cringe to much. All in all I give it a solid 4.5/10 for wasted potential.

[ihaveanimagine]

Imagine the US and UF bros reacting to their SO bringing how a whole bunch of turtles. 💕🐢

(Okay I still have other asks in my inbox to finish but this idea is super cute and hilarious I have to do this)

Underswap!Sans (Blueberry)

Since Ebott city was a beach-side city, no one was surprised when the news reported baby turtles hatching and making their way to the ocean. What did surprise Blue was when you came home in a rush, knocked open the door with enough force to break it and threw a cardboard box in his hands “WE HAVE CHILDREN NOW!!” You proclaimed loudly, pushing your messy hair back out of your face.

“WHAT!?!” Blue squeaked “Y-YOU WERE PREGNANT AND DIDN’T TELL ME!?!” His face turned bright blue and he held a mix of shock, betrayal, and amazement on his face. “What? No, no, no, no!” You said, shaking your head. “I mean we’re adopting them!!” You pointed at the box emphatically and Blue finally looked to see what was in the box.

“SWEET MOTHER OF ALL TACOS!!!” Blue exclaimed, almost dropping the box, “WHY DID YOU TAKE THE BABY SEA TURTLES FROM THE BEACH??!!” He scrunched his face up in disapproval “YOU KNOW THAT’S WRONG!!”

You shook your head and grinned “I didn’t go to the beach!” You exclaimed with a laugh “These guys waddled right into my workplace!! My boss told us to catch as many as we could and bring them to the beach, but I accidentally bonded with these guys on the way home!!”

Blue looked back and forth from the box and you, wanting to tell you that keeping the sea turtles was wrong and that you should walk to the beach and put them back buuuutttt……

One of the smaller turtles stopped flapping around frantically and paused, pressing her plastron against the wall, her tiny green face peering up curiously at Blue’s, and the skeleton felt his resolve crumble.

You ended up officially adopting 3 of the 20 you brought home.

Underswap!Papyrus (Honey)

Honey, unlike how you expected to find him, was not on the couch asleep, but rather in the kitchen downing a bottle of monster honey when you walked in the door of your home, holding a large tank in your arms.

“er….sweets? wassat tank for?” Honey asked, placing down his honey bottle and rushing to your side to help carry the glass tank that was obviously making your arms hurt. “This? Oh, it’s for our new pets!!” You said brightly, a giant, innocent grin on your face. “Didn’t the landlord say no pets?” Honey asked cautiously.

You let out an annoyed sigh “Yeaaahh, but the only rules were banning cats, dog, and birds!! And I know for a fact that Mr. Hamato in the room across from us has a pet rat!” You emphatically pointed your hand in the direction of the old Japanese man’s room with a pout.

Honey threw you an amused look and rolled the lollipop in his mouth before slowly exhaling “alright, sugar, what kinda pet did you buy?” You grinned and squealed before snatching his arm and dragging him all the way down to the residents only parking lot and popping open the trunk of your car.

Your gaze flicked back to Honey who’s jaw dropped and let the sucker drop the ground. “sweeeeets?” He drawled, gazing suspiciously at the small ice cooler filled with water, sand, and lettuce. “where did you get 15 turtles?”

You grinned and explained that due to lack of business, the reptile pet shop a few blocks down was going out of business and needed to sell as many animals as they could, and you decided to help the store out and buy their entire turtle selection.

“you realize we won’t be able to care for all of them long, right?” Honey asked, picking up one turtle who’d been trying to eat the cooler. You grinned “Yeah, but I know of several families in the complex who’ve been looking for pets for their kids!”

Honey grinned and looked to the cooler then back to you “so essentially, we’re running an underground turtle-shop behind the landlord’s back because just about everyone in the complex hates him?”

You nodded and Honey’s grin widened. From that point on, everyone in the complex made it their goal to see how long they could keep the new pets a secret from the landlord.

Underfell!Sans (Red)

“RED!!!” You burst down the door to his home and was quickly met by a surprised shout followed by a loud THUMP. “Red!!” You shouted again, running up the stairs to your shared room. Said skeleton threw open the door to his room and raced out, shirt all crumpled up and jacket hastily thrown on “what? what’s going on? are you alright?!” He asked worriedly, running towards you and immediately checking you over for any injuries.

“Wha-? N-no! I-I mean, yes I’m fine but that’s not what I’m here for!” You said, waving off his worries, Red gave you a confused look and you pressed a quick kiss to his teeth to calm him down. “Sorry if I scared you, love, but I found this super cool thing at the dump I wanted to show you!!”

How could Red say ‘no’ to those bright and eager eyes of yours? Shaking his head and pulling you in for another kiss, Red sighed and told you to lead him to this so called ‘super cool’ thing you found.

Grinning widely, you ran back outside and grabbed a large box and pulled it inside, opening the top in the living room. Curious, Red came down and peered through the top. Upon seeing the contents, Red became confused and slightly worried.

“er……..babe? are these….”

“Turtles? Yes, yes they are.”

“w-well, they’re uhm….”

“Absolutely adorable and irresistible!!”

“babe, i love you, but how are we s’posed to keep 15 pet turtles here?”

“Easy, we keep some for ourselves, give a few to Gerson, then paint the rest blue and set them loose in the Underground!”

“………babe, have i ever told you how much i love you?”

“Yoouuuu could stand to mention it a little more~”

“pffft, c’mere you.”

Underfell!Papyrus (Edge)

“(Y/N)!!!! OH FOR ASGORE’S SAKE, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU CONFOUNDED HUMAN OF MINE!?” Edge growled, stomping around Waterfall. You had been out of the house for 5 minutes longer than you said you would and he had panicked.

Last he heard from you was that you had gone to see Undyne about something and Edge had feared for your safety, but opted to trust you and allowed you to go. (but not without stocking up excessively on knives hidden on your person).

Earlier you had called him and said that you were leaving Undyne’s house and should be home soon. He had waited patiently by the front door, going back and forth between pacing or staring out his window, worrying for your safety.

It wasn’t that you couldn’t take care of yourself that made him worry, but the fact that you were the type of person to stop and try to befriend everything despite said thing trying to kill you that made him worry.

So here he was, rushing through Waterfall calling your name over and over in hopes you’d hear him. After about a good 10 minutes of searching, Red finally called him and said that you had made it home safely, but your phone had ended up getting crushed by Aaron who had jumped out and tried to catch you with a surprise attack.

Edge was seconds away from finding Aaron and gutting him but Red said that Edge should get home as quickly as he could, then hung up without another word. Worried that you may have returned home hurt, Edge wasted no time in running all the way back to Snowdin (not that he’d openly admit it to someone who saw him running by).

“I’M HERE, WHAT HAPPENED, WHO AM I STABBING!?!” Edge shouted, running into the house with a look of murder on his expression. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw you lying on the floor in his living room with Red beside you, covered in turtles.

Edge felt his brain (not that he had a physical one) stop. “………er, hey boss?” Red greeted with a shy wave of his hand, a sheepish grin adorned on his face. “Edgy!!” You cried happily, eyes lighting up when you saw him.

Edge eyed the turtle resting at the top of your head and the ones on your shoulders, knees and the one cradled in your arms with a hint of jealousy. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” He asked, glaring at the turtle who had snuggled closer to your neck.

“Uuhhh, welllllllll…” You threw him a sheepish look and explained to him how the other day you had run into Undyne at the dump and you both found a box full of baby turtles. Deciding they were too adorable, the two of you had decided to store them at Undyne’s home, but Undyne was going through renovations so she had asked you to keep the turtles until her home was able to supply a good living space for them.

“So yeah, until Undyne’s house is fixed up for these little dudes, we have children.”

“THESE PUNY REPTILES ARE NOT MY CHILDREN!!”

“i dunno, boss, this one’s got a scar just like yours!”

“WAIT, REALLY? LET ME SEE!!”

You ended up keeping that turtle and named him “Edge Jr.”

[projectunwritten]

Hunters of the Dead

Preface

I wrote this about 3 years ago; it was during this edgy stage of life and Ithought teenages and zombie apocalypses was literally the best thing ever.

My name is Michael banks Jr. I am responsible for the death of 3/4th’s of the planet earth population and this is my story …..

Chapter 1 origin

The government a reigning power over all of America they know everything, they see everyone. One day I did a simple math problem on my computer next thing my math equation became the answer to immortally or so they thought they able to biology creating and age a human body then it she started to reproduce on her own and it created them. The government was shattered then in their darkest hour they came. The giants attacked every major city around the world, once they killed people they would spit saliva on them and it turn them into zombies that the government was trying to cover didn’t stay hidden for too long. It created a pandemic now because I started this I’m going to end it. “Well then what are we waiting bikey time to kill.” Ashlyn said with a smirk. I looked around and see what people would think are just some kids in war…I see my team, my family, my zombie hunters and our killing spree has just begun.

Chapter 2 4/1/2016

6 hours ago….

A phone rings as an alarm goes off. “That’s my girl I whisper.” I answer the facetime “hey gorgeous” I say yawning. “Hey she says smiling. I turning on the TV while she talks about how Cassie stole her phone. “Morning lovebirds what happening” says Chris as he checks in on the face group along with lily. “Hi “lily says quietly. “Hey” Chris returns shyly with smile. “And u call them lovebirds.” Says Bridget”, she says laughing, “right mike …. Mike?” I turn to the camera in laptop, “Makenna, bridge their here.”(Mike) “What no, no where?”(Makenna) ‘’ new York, Chicago, Las Vegas, Seattle “(mike) “good there’s still time I’ll pack my bags “”what are talking about?” Lily asks “ okay don’t think you will believe me at first but 1 year ago me and Makenna were “studying” , I solved a simple math problem use a method she and I created. It was used to create zombies that’s grew into giants possessed by the souls of Nephilim. Now they are attacked major cities as their plague continues to grow.” Chris bursts into tears as Jacob and Ashlyn enter the chat. “Jacob initiated protocol z.” he raises his eyes in response “Umm ok, got mike I’ll be ready roll in ten minutes.” “You have 8.” I end the call as I stuff items in my book bag and grab my phone, my laptop, and chargers, and and a bunch of clothes. I jump off Terrence I look under the stairs and grab my metal bat and metal rods and start running. As I hear a scream by Chris place I grip tighter on the poles which I call “kalis” as I come to the ally and three guys all covered in blood looking as pale snow I can’t explain what during the fight I saw was red.

Chapter 3 Chris Tebich

My name is Chris Tebich and me along with others hunters are responsible for the death of 2/4th population of the planet earth this where my story began….

I screamed because my mean neighbor Mr. Jerkface just got his skull cracked open by two decomposing bodies. As several other join him staring at me. Then mike turns the he yell out something unearthly “prognostic!!” He charges at the first two bodies. Armed with two rods which seem to be bent into a point at the end. Which sticks up the bodies head smiling he rips them out? He throws me a sliver bat I bash my now dead neighbor upside the head but he gets back up keep hitting nothing happens he open his mouth at least 5 inches wide moaning I get ready to die and trip to the ground as a metal rod comes through his throat and the the body drops mike hands me a towel out of his bag. “Well that was fun” he says smiling. As I look back I see the other two bodies on the ground blood everywhere, and I think to myself holy crap… is the real mike … a psychopath

Chapter 4 destiny

We showed up at Jacob’s door I knocked on the door it’s open up by itself. A scream and a yell then a body tumbles downstairs. The body dead we run up to find Jacob with an axe and his mom behind him. “I told u that would come in handy “I say pointing at the axe. “Where’s your sibling and your dad?” “Dad took them to see grandma. “He replies. “Okay next we hit Stasia and Lilly.” I say looking at the two of them “ you two will go get lily, I got stasia ,mrs.lombardi u need pack a bag of whatever u need clothes, food ,water ,medicine ,and a weapon. Find the nearest shelter. A salvation army, a church, safe house, anywhere call your husband tell him you're safe and that Jacob is with me hunting. “ I say as she gets up looks in back of her closet in a box and reveals a gun. “ that’ll do , can you use it ?” She shoots two of them in the head. “Yeah” she says packing a bag. After she left Chris and Jacob to pick up Lily. And I went to get Stasia. I ran as fast as I could. As I stopped two men were at door. Mr. Wildes opens the door. “No!” I yell as an arrow slips past me into one of their head give me time bash the other one. I look back and see Chris with his bow and arrows. “Took you long enough!” Stasia says smiling.

Chapter 5 punishers

After sending the wiles on their way out of home town me, stasia, Chris went to Corey’s place to get his family out of town

As we walked down street we heard a gun fired I instantly was cover in a protective layer of goose bumps that trapped my emotions. I ran for the court Chris at my side and stasia a few feet behind. As I notice that Chris is not fast as he usually is I realized that it wasn’t him. I was get faster, pushed that thought to darkness that consumed my mind as I lost conscious as I saw Jacob yelling axe in hand with Chris removing and arrow from his quiver. Corey: I soon mike showed up all well u no what broke loose. I never seen him like this anger, fast, ruthless. Surrounded by some my friends; ex – girlfriend, and people generally knew it chaos . . . . And I loved it I yelled as I reload and headed into war. Lilly stabbed a walker behind me. I joined Chris as saw he was at his last arrow I threw him my baseball bat. He smiled as he smashed a walkers head. I shot three off them and that when everything got fuzzy.

Chapter 6 Uptown Funk

I woke up in a chair as Shiloh licked my face “down girl!” I shouted. “Hey don’t blame her for your narcasple “stasia said giving me a hand. S’mores and Maggie appeared with fluffy barking at them. “Fluffy their guests!! “ Chris says as he looks at me like a ghost, “hey mike’s up…. Christian turn that crap down!! “I listen as uptown funk by Mark Robinson feat. Bruno mars played through room “nooo!!!” I said running for the stereo I unplugged it, “how many songs did u play? “ I asked. “ just this “ Christian said “ check the windows and the back door “ I barked as I looked at the song’s stopped time frame 3 minutes and 37 second. I relaxed as Christian comes back “nothing’s out man” “why are you freaking out mike “Jacob asks as he cooked breakfast. “They can hear sound even our voices will attract them. The stereos and all the dogs here I’m surprised we're not dead yet. Everyone fell silent as they stared at my face. I hadn’t noticed till now I had blood of my hands. I looked at the transparent screen of my iPhone 6s+ the blood spatter of blood on my face

Chapter 7 survival

I hold my breath the darkened silence as I hear lily knocking on the door. I raise my head from the sink. Water dripping from my face. Lily shouts from outside the door “u ok in there? “. “Yeah I reply I grab the towel of the rack and wiped off my face. I opened the bathroom door. And get right to business. “I need answers ASAP #1. Chris Where’s urn folks and Bridgett #2. Is the van and 4 wheeler here #3? Stasia and Lilly Jacob and JJ u need to learn how to drive in 6 hours. My phone rings as it the screen stays pitch black at first think it’s an alarm but as pick up the phone up I realize its vibrating and grab the nearest knife located in my back pocket. I pick at the side of my case till it opens I reveal a second device an iPod 5 with words Haven lit up as she facetimes me as it connects Jacob where it came from? I explain that only a small group of people have the contact info to secret phone for emergency. It finally connects I hear Mary scream as a gun fires “Haven what’s happening!!” “ mike thank good please help us pastor Brian and Mr. G r dead we need help “ I hear the fear in her voice as the goosebumps return as response “ Five minutes “ and end the call. JJ hold down the fort Jacob, and Chris your with me grab the van we leave in 5. “Wow who died and made you leader “Chris retorts “Pastor Brian and Mr. Galante “I say as Chris staring at him. “Let’s rock Jacob “he says grabbing his coat and his mom’s keys.

Chapter 8 savage Awakening

A Coma that’s the only way I know how to explain as I rode in the back of Chris’ as Jacob drove down the street which he pretty decent driver. {Better than my “bus driver” dad that’s for sure} The van felt dark and comfort like kind of sleep u don’t want to wake up from. “We’re here” Jacob says I snap my eyes open as the goosebumps cover my face. Chris jumps out the car bat in hand guess it’s from his garage. Instantly we see half a dozen corpses. Jacob yells out “I got it! “As he lifts his axe. He gets closer and confirms my suspicion. He looks at the corpses and it’s Julie Pastor Brian's Wife and the one of the youth group leaders I saw that Jacob was in shock grabbed the bow and ran at Chris then I took an arrow from his Quiver and shot at Julie head. This snapped Jacob into reality or was it when Ben and Andrew came out the side door yelling at us to run. We ran for door making it in by the skin of our teeth. I look in the back to see David huddled in a corner “Ben?” I say looking at David “what happened?” “It was too much. Dad tried to run from them. But tripped and fell it pushed David forward as the door swung closed he watched as Andrew and Pastor Brian ripped him apart as they killed him. “ I’m sorry about your Dad Ben he was a good man” I said “ Hey we all have to die sometime a saw his eyes flicker a little as if a fire had just been started.

Chapter 9 Safe House Pt. 1 & 2

Part 1

I sat in the back with Ashley and David. Ashley sitting balled up in a corner scared out of her mind. On my Right side David looked out the window. I stared down at the floor and closed my eyes as I drifted into nothing. "Mike" I hear voice as I wake up I look up at Kayla "Haven and Kiva need you up front to get to your house" she says I slide past her as she takes her seat. As I reach the front I see Haven talking to Jacob over a walkie talkie. "Mike show us the way" she says. {'Mike we're following you'} “Kiva get off 5th take a right here on to Waterford Dr., it'll take about minute to get down there." I say "ok head down here ". We headed into my back all pull into parking lot next to our house {809 Four Seasons Drive}. "Everyone out getting into my house is our number one priority. Priority #2 not dying. “I said to the entire bus.” then we might want to do that know” Says Jacobs there are about 3 or so dozen Of THEM. "Well then Chris, Corey cover if you anything that's dead moving ... Shoot it." I say as the goosebumps come back. HAVEN: As Mike closed he his eyes I wondered what he was doing. Then he opened his eyes as I see his eyes dilate full of black nothingness, it scared me. “Let’s go “he says in a low but loud tone. We waste about 2 minutes standing around so by the time we got out they down at the end of the ally "Run!!!!!" I hear Parker say as we all run for mike's Garage. Mike punches in the code to his garage. As it rises he yells out "back door is open, GO!!!" I open the back door people pour inside. The only ones left are Mike, Ben, Marlon, Jacob, and Corey “Drop the Macho Act and get inside “I Barked at them. MIKE: heard what she said as we all backed into the garage. I saw David standing in the middle of the alley {" he wants to die"] with hesitation I ran for him" what are you doing”! Jacob shouted. I point at David standing least 10 ft. from a hoard of dead corpses. I unclicked the garage door "Ben, Marlon, Corey, Jacob be ready to shut the garage door shut as soon as we get in" And without waiting for a response. I ran as fast as I could. I picked up David and ran for the garage. With the one arm I wasn't using to carry him( who was surprise light and not restating )I slammed my trash cans on to the ground . I ran into the garage “Close it" I yelled. As they slammed the garage door closed I realigned the chain and we all took a rest then I got up. “Were not done yet.

Part 2

"Ok Ben and Alex move that couch in there onto window ", I say as we walk into the basement / downstairs area. “Got it “ben says without hesitation. He and Alex start to move the couch. “Marlon help me with hall desk upstairs " He follows me upstairs " Why are we moving all this Stuff ?" he asked me as we move the desk " Zombies come in pack small that maul and suffocate people. Large ones that knock down doors, Gates, and walls. We’re reinforcing the doors and downstairs windows, for precaution." I say he nods in approval. After the front door and downstairs windows were secure. And the Main TV was brought out my mom's room we monitored the news. I explain how the Media referred to it as an “OUTBREAK” because they don't know what's going on. “And you do?” Stephen says in disbelief “Yes, their dead corpses walking among us, bloodthirsty and savage. The only way to "CURE" them ..." " Is to kill THEM” Ben says as grips him knife he uses to cut an apple and chops through it. “Exactly " David saying his first all evening he and his brother stare at each other and I saw their savage awakening