#What a silly little guy. A real stinker

[guywhowatches]

A Rodeo to Remember

The loud cheer of the crowd caused you to nearly cover your ears. You’d only been here a few minutes, and you were already sick of it. You didn’t know exactly how you’d let your boyfriend drag you out here, but you certainly knew how this day would end. You’d begun to grow sick of him lately and was planning on breaking up with him once this show was over. You basically had almost nothing in common with him and, most of all, hated his gross, disgusting ‘humour’ if you could even call it that. If it weren’t for his raging good looks, you would’ve left him a long time ago.

“Hey there, big boy.”

Speak of the devil. You looked over to see your “boyfriend” coming over to you, carrying a tray of food. He was also wearing that silly cowboy hat, that so many other guys were wearing. You have to admit, you did feel a little hungry and considered grabbing one of the nachos on his tray. He sat down next to you with a smile.

“Sorry I took a while. I was in the bathroom taking a pretty big dump, that coffee and eggs I had for breakfast just went right through me. But I got some food for us on the way back.”

Ugh, hearing that put you right off your appetite. You sighed and turned your head away. He just laughed.

“Aww, don’t be like that. Come here, I’ll make it up to you.”

You sighed, looking back at him. It was that dam alluring smile he gave you that always somehow kept you coming back to him, every time you’d thought about leaving. You sighed and decided to lean in hoping for a nice surprise. Instead, you saw him lean to the side, pointing his jean cladded ass in your direction, and squeezed one eye.

FFRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

A small tuba sounding fart rang out from his ass. You didn’t even have time to react before the smell of beans and eggs hit your nose, causing you to react badly and waft it away. Your boyfriend just laughed, as if it was one of the funniest things ever.

“Oh man, you always fall for that doncha?”

See what you meant? His humour is just repulsive. You couldn’t take it anymore, you were sick of him, his farts, his over descriptions of his toilet habits, this rodeo and everything about him in general. You considered breaking the news to him now but couldn’t bring yourself to do it face to face, at least not yet. You’d do it as soon as you got home (considering he was your only ride back). You stood up and said you were going to get some ‘air’.

“Ok then, I’ll see you later. Also, if you’re going to use the bathroom, avoid stall 4 cause that was the one I used and hoooboy, it was a real stinker.”

That was the last thing you heard before he started sniggering and you walked away. You’d just about reached your limit. The question was, where would you go now. You looked around and noticed a free bench at the far end of the stadium where he wouldn’t be able to see you. You sat down and pulled out your phone to distract yourself from this silly show. You noticed that it was on low charge and sighed, wishing you’d charged it before you left.

You leaned back, but then stumbled, as you remembered that these stalls didn’t have any back rests. Before you could react, you tumbled over backwards and hit the ground bellow. You looked around and realised you were trapped under the stall, with a beam of light from the gap in the seat shining over you.

You were about to jump up and leave when suddenly, out of nowhere, four other guys sat upon the bench, blocking your way out. They all appeared to dress the same as your boyfriend, with jeans on and wearing those stupid hats. All you could now see was their tight asses sticking over the bench, directly above you.

“See boys, I told you would make it in time.”

“Yeah well, we would’ve made it sooner if we didn’t stop at that buffet.”

“Well, you know me boy, I love me some beans.”

You could only just hear their voices, but it was a little muffled. Yet, you couldn’t help noticing that one of their voices sounded somewhat familiar. You didn’t have time to worry about that though, as you had to figure a way out. You thought about asking them to move, but then realised you’d have to come up with an explanation to why you were there in the first place. You didn’t want to look like some kind of pervert. As you were thinking of an escape, you were bought to the attention of a certain noise that you were all too familiar with. A noise you really didn’t wish to hear right now.

BBBBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPP

It had a low trombone sound. It was slightly muffled by his jeans, but it was the unmistakable sound of a fart from one of the cowboys above you. You heard the cowboy on the right laugh heartily as the smell began to hit your nose.

“Speaking of beans, you boys better hold onto your hats, because I’m about to get windier than a hurricane.”

You desperately wafted away the smell. This had to be the worst luck imaginable. You didn’t know how long the show was going to last, but you couldn’t stay here.

FFFFFFFRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT

Seriously? Another small blast, bassy came from the booty next to him, followed by his laughter as well. You were thankful that the sound, and somewhat smell, was at least muffled by their jeans. What were the chances of always being stuck close to flatulent maniacs like this?

“Now that’s some real southern wind right there.” It disgusted you that these men seemed to have no shame. They were no worse than your boyfriend. You continued to try and look for a way out, without disturbing them. As you were doing so, you heard a strange hissing noise. You weren’t sure where it was coming from, but didn’t care right now. That was before your nose was suddenly assaulted by a stench of rotten meat that made you halt in your tracks and actually cover your nose. From above, you could hear the others react to it and laugh as well as comment about it.

“And that’s why they call me the silent skunk.” The guy on the far left said gleefully. Whilst the others had been bad, this one was a little too much. You finally let out a cough, pretty loudly at that. There was a short silence, as you suddenly realised what you’d done.

“Well, well boys, lookie what we got here.” You turned your head up to see that all 4 of them were now looking down at you. You froze, unable to find the words of what to say.

“Some kind of perv trying to get a good look at our asses?” There was a fierce undertone in their voices that made you feel worried.

“Wait a god damm minute, I know you.” Said the one on the left, you looked over at him and recognised his face. A few weeks ago, your boyfriend had forcibly taken you down to a bar, where he began chatting with a few guys. There was this one guy he particularly got on with, which he started shamelessly having a fart competition with, to which a lot of the other bar guys cheered them on. His name was Robert, you think. The whole thing had disgusted you and was one of the reasons that you’d wanted to break up with him. You didn’t even care about when he'd told you he was going to the bathroom with that guy to play ‘battleshits’, whatever that was, it sounded gross. They could’ve hooked up for all you cared, as it would’ve saved you having to break up. But now here he was, directly above you… small world.

“This is the guy who was talking about breaking up with Jerry, for saying he farts too much.” Wait, had you told him that? You had gotten rather drunk, so maybe you rambled something to him at some point. “What’s the matter boy, scared of a little wind?”

“It’s alright, maybe you just need a whiff of some proper gas. How bout we give this boy a first-hand experience?” Your eyes shot open widely. They wouldn’t, would they? You then heard the others cheer and agree. Oh god, they would. Then, to your terror, all 4 of them began to pull down their jeans and pants, fully exposing their bare asses above you. Their fat, jiggling asses where now pointed directly above you, with nowhere for you to escape.

“This is what you get for trying to break Jerry’s heart. Come on boys, let’s get rooting TOOTING!” You quickly tried to cover your nose with your shirt, but it didn’t make that much difference, as each of their asses began blasting.

BBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT

FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTT

FFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT

BBBBBRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRTTTTTT

BBBBBBBBBSBSBSBSPPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBBBBB

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTT

FFFFFFFFFFFFFMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTT

RRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Their asses roared as the show continued on for what felt like forever. You could hear them whooping and hollering, combined with them grunting and laughing at you. The stench of beans, eggs and rotten meat was getting trapped, entering your nostrils under the stands. You desperately tried to look for a way out, but the loud blasts coming from above you were distracting you from your thoughts of escape.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, you heard the guys get up and pull up their jeans. They looked down at you, as you felt on the verge of passing out, smirking.

“Now that’s some payback. Phew, that smells worse than a manure field in the summer sun.” One of them said, smiling at you.

“Oh, and don’t think you’re off the hook yet, because I’m going to tell Jeremy the truth, something that I bet you were too scared to do. See you later fart boy.” Robert said, looking darkly at you. And with that, they all headed off, leaving you finally free to scramble out and gasp for air. You got a few strange looks from a few people walking by, but you didn’t care. You stumbled out to the entrance and looked at your phone. You’d received a text from Jeremy.

“I just got told from a friend that you wanted to dump me. If that’s really how you feel then fine, it’s over!! Good luck getting home.”

You couldn’t decide whether or not to feel thankful or not. On the one hand, you were relieved to be done with it. But, on the other hand, you kinda wished you’d gotten to do it when you got home, as you didn’t have any other means of transportation back. Still, at least that meant you didn’t have to worry about riding in the car with him whilst he farted it up, locked the windows and laughed at you as you’d gag (as he always would).

You figured your best option was to call an Uber home. Unfortunately, as you opened the app, that’s when your phone decided to die. Great, now what? You began to panic a bit, when suddenly a car pulled up to you in the car park. A guy then poked his head out the window, with a silly cowboy hat, asking if you needed a ride. There was something familiar about his voice, but you didn’t care, as you were rather desperate. You reluctantly agreed and climbed in. You looked around to see 2 other guys in the car. That’s when it hit you that they were the same guys who’d been farting above you in the stands just mere minutes ago. What were the chances?

“Boy, are we glad we ran into you? After your little breakup with poor Jeremy, Robert rode back home with him to cheer him up. I think he’ll make a way better boyfriend to him than you ever were. Apparently, they had a farting competition on the way back.” You cringed, wondering why that was important for him to mention.

“Yeah, but we felt kinda sad that we got to miss out on it. But now that you’re here, we figured you’d be the perfect person to judge our contest, considering you’re apparently pretty good at taking them point blank, according to Jeremy.” You gulped and realised the horrible mistake you’d made. You’d rather walk all the way back than this. You quickly tried to jiggle the door, but it was unfortunately locked.

“Haha, sorry bud, can’t let you go. Those beans we had earlier are still bubbling our guts up stronger than a volcano in erupting season.”

“Hey, maybe when we get back, he could judge our game of battleshits as well?” You felt your stomach drop in horror. It was bad enough trying to avoid the bathroom when only Jeremy was using it, but 3 people like him?

“Good idea boy, but first, let’s warm him up a bit.” They all then pointed their asses to the side as they began to grunt. You felt your body go limp, you knew when you were beaten. One thing’s for certain, this truly cemented your hatred of rodeos.

[baron-von-beefdip]

Part 3 of my thoughts on every monster in Wilds

SPOILERS FOR MONSTERS BELOW

GYPCEROS

DESIGN: FUN

At first glance it seems a little plain, but the super stretchy tail and the flashing horn really make it stand out. Another monster that is a little silly but I like it.

COMBAT: TRICKY

I like how suprising this guy is. You think you're out of range and BAM, super stretchy tail slams you from across the room. Spreading poison pools that stick around makes maneuvering more difficult, and the flash will get you if you get too greedy. And of course the fake-out death is so unique and funny.

RATHIAN

DESIGN: QUEEN

She is looking great in wilds. One of my favorite classic monsters. Not much to say here, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

COMBAT: FUN

Running and jumping and causing problems. Love the 3 fireball attack, and the flipping poison tail attack is as devastating as ever. Especially with the occasional double thrown in.

GRAVIOS

DESIGN: AWESOME!

This big rock is so cool looking. I love big bulky monsters and this one exemplifies it. I just like watching it walk around. Very threatening tail too.

COMBAT: BOMBASTIC

Everything it does is so BIG. Giant laser beam with different patterns is so cool and a real threat. Being able to expel various status ailments up close also keeps the pressure up. Great fight.

BLANGONGA

DESIGN: MONKEY

It's just a giant monkey, straight up. Not particularly inspired.

COMBAT: BORING

Just kinda punches a bit and spits a little ice. Pretty lame.

GUARDIAN FULGUR ANJANATH

DESIGN: DECENT

T-rex with some frills. Not too fancy, but it all kinda works. Probably the most dinosaur monster in the game.

COMBAT: BRAWL

Very aggressive monster. Every move feels like its throwing it's whole body at you. Similarly to the design it's not particularly fancy, but comes together into a good fight.

GORE MAGALA

DESIGN: SPOOKY

Very intimidating monster. Everything about it is cool and scary. It's a fan favorite for a reason.

COMBAT: BRUTAL

It moves insanely fast for something that big, and virus mechanic is interesting. With the big wings and all the smoke it was hard to tell what was going on sometimes. Quite an intense fight.

So that's all the monsters so far. Mostly good or great, with a couple stinkers in there. I do really appreciate that there's a large variety in they types of monster. Dragons, beasts, bugs and more definitely keeps things fresh. Really looking forward to whatever they add next.

[ilovebeingt4t]

a (not) little rant about total drama’s portrayal of dissociative identity disorder in ROTI and AS

a few little tidbits before we get into the juice…

-i don’t have DID ! i have a dissociation disorder and i’ve done a lot of research on DID, but that obviously doesn’t mean i know as much as someone in a system would. if i make any mistakes or you want to add/correct anything, please do !

-since there isn’t an official name for the system as a whole, i’m gonna use “mike system” to refer to mike, chester, svetlana, vito, manitoba, and mal as a system

-before anyone says it, i know it’s “just a kids’ show” but it’s a kids’ show i’m insane and not normal about. so i’m very passionate about this. also kids’ shows should still be normal about mental illnesses/disabilities so idc

alright stinkers… let’s get into it

ok ! mike systems DID in ROTI isn’t GOOD representation but it isn’t like. the worst out there compared to some other media. some huge positives are the way the alters have actual triggers, and that everyone in the system IS portrayed as their own person, not just an extension or part of mike. i interpret the “gasp” the body does with switches as a stand in for dissociation (since they couldn’t really have him just sit there and stare into space bc of plot/time reasons) and it’s very easy to assume the role of everyone in the system from their personalities and triggers. the best example of this to me is vito ! vito is a “tough guy” who’s triggered to front by his shirt coming off, it’s easy to put the pieces together and assume his role is a protector who formed due to sexual abuse.

obviously, the use of the outdated term multiple personality disorder, the very quick switches, the fact the writers obviously did not actually research DID and just wanted a silly crazy character, and probably more i’m forgetting rn, are NOT issues to just ignore because of the good stuff. it’s definitely NOT good or super accurate representation by any means, but i don’t think it’s exactly super bad either. it’s iffy but has redeeming qualities to it.

another plus about mike system in ROTI, even though this isn’t really part of the portrayal of DID as a disorder, is that mike has a love interest that isn’t written as a joke. i feel like having mike in a romantic relationship is a BIG positive representation wise. it’s really important to me that even though zoey is confused and weirded out when she didn’t know what was going on, once she found out mike was part of a system she became more understanding and didn’t give up on him. being part of a system doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner, friends, etc and mike being in a wholesome healthy relationship is a nice breath of fresh air compared to other media portraying DID.

NOW. LETS ADDRESS MAL AND ALL STARS. GOOD LORD.

all stars has an issue with watering down characters and making poor plot/character choices in general, and in my opinion it’s the worst with mike system. ROTI had questionable at times but ok DID rep with mike system, which is why it’s so disappointing that AS took the “evil alter” route and whatever the hell the button thing was… bc they were SO close with having ok representation and then they threw it all away for an overdone and harmful stereotype. mike system in ROTI is a MASTERPIECE compared to whatever the hell was going on in AS.

even when you take into account that in a real life system, mal is most similar to the role of a persecutor (an alter who sabotages the body’s relationships and causes harm to the body/other alters as a way to “protect” everyone in their eyes (oops ! i was wrong. a persecutor isn’t always a protector, however they can take the role of a persecutor and protector which is where i got confused. mal is a both a persecutor and protector to me)) which makes SOME of his actions explainable TO AN EXTENT, it’s clear the writers didn’t have that intent and just wanted a spooky evil alter, which is really disappointing. along with the button issue, which is just…. so insane….

i choose to believe for my own sanity that the button was sort of an emergency temporary dormancy button and that chester fr just lied/didn’t know and made something up. but that obviously isn’t canon, and IN CANON the body’s trauma and serious disorder was literally gone because of the PRESS OF A BUTTON and it is absolutely ridiculous. and it’s portrayed as a GOOD THING.

systems are systems because it is the only way the body and brain can maintain stability and live after serious repeated trauma. in a real situation with a system, if there was somehow a way to get rid of alters in literal seconds, the consequences would be ABSOLUTELY DISASTROUS and unstable. obviously, integration and dormancy CAN be a good thing depending on the system, but it is a LOOONG and complicated process and watering it down to the press of a button in your brain is so inappropriate and insensitive. literally why did they do that. it’s just so disappointing to go from what mike system was in roti to what they became in all stars.

sorry u guys i am just passionate about this

[kits-ships]

For the music ask game:

🤍 - Free space! Talk about any song you want!

THANK YOU!!!!!! im gonna be a little autistic for a moment so hang on. im honing in on like. only hyperfixation atm. i dont think this really fits the selfship prompt but i need to infodump anyways.

hiding the autism under the read more

OK SO DONT LAUGH.

BUT I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO THESE TWO SONGS ON REPEAT LATELY GHFGj.h...

THIS ONE FIRST!!!!!!!!

this one is just so fun as a whole, but also it has lee!!!!!! leon!!!!! im really happy they had a british artist come in for him; dan's voice is my headcanon for him whether i like it or not. (any nonbritish lee doesnt feel real to me) i also like that his lyrics come off as cocky, yet awkward. we get an erection joke then later on hes like IM SERIOUS :,( (favorite line: now im the man of the moment standing alone in my tower) (it itches my brain just right)

IT ALSO HAS CYNTHIA!!! familial f/os my beloved. not only is sinnoh my favorite region, but i like to imagine what lunette's verse would be, too. i havent come up with anything, but maybe i will one day. probably not. hgfg (fave line: im a full time scholar, babe, and brawler // i guarantee that no one go harder) (so true bestie. also love the play on words)

other random comments:

yay, blue!! pokemon blue/red was my dads favorite, so i grew up with his games + he ended up becoming like a big brother figure to me. he's a cocky bitch but i think his verse flows well.

lance: HOLY SHIT. his line 'but i don't need to lay a hand upon a damn guitar // to rock this stadium like a tyranitar' ALWAYS GETS STUCK IN MY HEAD........ i love the like. pressure it builds.

ok so. not to be a little stinker but i think the steven/wallace verses are my favorites. theyre just so good..... and im so happy they included wallace!! i feel like no one ever talks about him !!!! favorite lines from them: -all in, man of steel, but no stallin' i'm real quick like this rock is polished flawless with the beat, so milotic we be so scaldin', steven and wallace -looking like you met medusa when you step to stone you'll catch a trident like poseidon when you hear the flow

then i dont have much to say about kukui's but its so fun to listen to (i also like the unova + kalos champions, i just dont have as much of an attachment to those regions!! diantha's voice is pretty and alder + iris always get 'better run for cover when I pull up with the 'rona //'rona got you under the weather I'm in the zone' STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!

LMAO YEAH :( THEN WE JUST GO TO THE VILLIAN CYPHER GFDG

ok one of them is an f/o but i wont tell you who. so im just gonna go through my favorite bits of each verse

giovanni: again. the pressure he builds with the first few lines is crazy. i think his verse is also very fitting because like. giovanni is just EVIL. all the other villians have an intriguing or even silly reason for their wrongdoings but gio just wants MONEY. FREAK !!

archie: so i dont remember much abt hoenn and magma/aqua thanks to my childhood but archie is silly to me. yeah youre gonna flood the world? then what? duh. favorite line: you get smacked up if you act up // you can ask those on team magma (also itches my brain good)

maxie: HIS VERSE HAS NO EXCUSE TO BE SO GOOD??? I ALWAYS SAW HIM AS A DORK BUT THE WRITERS WENT CRAZY WITH HIM.. my favorite lines are 'im here to lead, they gon' hail me like a taxi cab i'll make them bleed if they're stepping into maxie's pad' LIKE ???!!! JESUS. i was a sapphire girlie but ok?

cyrus: i cant even describe it. its all so good. god characterization. good beat. really dives into his character past my old surface level view of him

n: poor guy is having an existential crisis but manages to end it with /guess thats why they call me natural B)' hell yeah boy

ghetsis: fuck you ghetsis

lysandre: I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM BEFORE THIS SONG BUT JESUS!?? THIS MAN WAS NOT DOING WELL. his verse flows well but good god like. can we go back and talk about this man. can we get you therapy

lusamine: fuck you lusamine. they did not abandon you!!! but also. 'got nothing to lose by my ✨ni-hil-ego✨

guzma: ok i dont know if its just me but i think its not a good verse, but like. in a good way?? i dont think he'd be good at rapping so it feels fitting; as does the odd beat backing him. i also love the voice they chose for him! fuck kukui no discussion.

rose: FUCK YOU ROSE!!!! YOURE THE PEON DUDE

no comment on mewtwo bc i was originally so excited to hear jessie and james but they ripped it away from me

[simorys]

RAAAH

Simon hc’s

Uodate:I’ve finally slept:)

RAHHHH SIMON!!!!

Glad to hear you slept finally!!

Roma, Thai, and some Lao

Birthday, Oct. 6, Libra

12 yrs.

Autistic, Epileptic, Anemic

Middle class family

He admires Roger for being strong and able to stand up for himself and he really wants to be his friends (he wants to be friends with most of the kids tbh).

He found out he liked boys before he found out about it being a "sin".

Favorite book is The Picture of Dorian Gray, mostly bc of the canon gay guy. Also bc Wilde is gay

Likes to make bracelets that represent his "friends" but he never tells them about it. He almost always wears them

whispers and mumbles to himself a lot

None of the other boys really considered Simon a friend

Really likes Mythologies, especially Greek

Does that flower game a lot (he loves me, he loves me not)

He has little symbols for certain people and himself when he writes in his diary (Ex: 🎶 said hi to 🌿 today and complemented 🌿 singing)

has a tooth gap

Has tried multiple times to sing C# to impress Jack

Jack was his first real crush (needs better standards)

He gets bullied by the same 3 people all the time and no one really helps him.

He actually is a stinker at school sometimes but doesn't get caught tho bc he's labeled as "the good kid, who would never do smth like that".

Simon is actually not that great with kids. He doesn't know how to talk and communicate properly to them. 

He's also been told by many adults in his life that he's mature for his age, but that's only bc he's quiet, follows rules (for the most part), and doesn't cause trouble.

His parents are pretty neglectful, especially to him. 

Middle child ( older sister and younger sister. Also has a younger brother who was still in the womb when he got on the plane) 

The ghosts slowly lose their memories until all they remember is their death and one of the first things Simon forgot was what his parents looked/sounded like.

My favorite silly goober 💔

[gorgugplushie]

BAD KIDS GAMING HCS

Nobody asked but i cant stop thinking abt it so

Fabian - canonically doesn't know what mobile games are, much less actual videogames. He sort of sees them as pointless (why do quests and adventures in a videogame when he could just do them in real life?) Of course the bad kids pull him into their gaming sessions, though he spends most of them asking what the controls are again and raising an eyebrow at their shenanigans. Ragh sits him down and makes him play some sport based video games which he does enjoy, he can get really into it if you give him time (he yells so so loud) he also gets into ddr style games bc he likes beating the other bdkds at them. Videogames are a good excuse to hang but he'd rather go out and play football irl.

Kristen - coming from a heavily sheltered and what i assume monitored family, kristen probablyyy isnt all that into videogames. At most i think she'd have some mobile games like idk candy crush on her phone, like fabian she'd get confused and spend her in game time running around and just watching the others play, she goes along w the others shenanigans v easily tho and loves doing silly bits while playing.

Riz - Riz is the type to play window games on their families shared computer for hours on end. Stuff like sudoku, pinballs, or solitaire. He'd love those games like the nancy drew mystery ones, or those games where you find items like I Spy. The only downside is he gets unhealthily fixated and will spend 3 days getting to lvl 100+ on Tetris if you let him, obsessed w 100% games and making funny number go up. Surprisingly good at rhythm games.

Adaine - into open world games, like fallout or outerwilds. Will spend days writing and churning out backstory and lore for her in game character. Veryyy picky and wants every decision to be true to their newest ocs backstory, will spend a solid hour on the character creation screen. She also loves more violent shooting games, although playing online with strangers gives her anxiety and she cannn get gamer rage, she'll get fixated on getting stuff like headshots and Winning and Being a good teammate that she'll start shaking and have to step away from playing for a bit. Single player fighting games w blood where she can turn her brain off and just fight are more cathartic for her. I feel like she ends up doing insane shit in them like saw and hack off limbs and go full dark story mode route and then regret it so so much and lie awake at night not sleeping bc of it and delete the save file. Its her dark secret shell take to the grave.

Fig - plays a large range of games, mainly more colorful and silly goofy ones she can play with the badkids. Shes sort of a little nuisance in games tho, she will troll and grief a lil bc she finds it funny. In singleplayer games she does love being a huge stinker and do silly stuff like pickpocket and get caught or accidentally set a bomb off in the middle of a cutscene or glitch her character to a-pose, she does a bunch of shit and laughs and doesn't take it seriously at all. Like adaine she also gets gamer rage. she gets them both banded from online for a month bc they team up to cast a spell on someone thru the screen. LOVESS shit like guitar hero and skater games sooo much, also into those wwe type games. Cant stomach horror at all but will make the rest of the kids sit down and play horror games w her so they can laugh and scream together.

Gorgug - he tends to like more older games, say in the style of star fox/loz and stuff. His parents gave him and older gaming system when he was younger n he still has it around and collects games for it, its seeing a lot more use than it originally did bc now he has friends to play with. The type of guy to still carry their ds around. I feel like hed also modify and rom hack stuff for his friends. He likes going to the arcade in person and playing there than sitting in front of a computer.

Ayda - yes im including her shes a gamer girl in my heart. I feel like she loves life sims/complex puzzle games, stuff like slime rancher, portal, animal crossing. She has 1000+ hours into a single sims save file. She spends hours and hours building and working on the most elaborate farming system for whatever new sim shes getting invested in. She especially loves organizing in games, she gets a bit antsy playing more survival based games with the bad kids because they leave their systems so unorganized (shes def the type to redo the entire base from top to bottom in dont starve while the rest die off screen). neat and orderly decoration is soo fun for her and the bad kids try not to step on her turf too much. refuses to play multiplayer if it's with anyone else but the badkids, but if anyone would start a gaming channel its her. will do obscenely gay cutesy stuff w fig n game. They build their own little base and junk and pretend to hosts weddings n stuff. Shes also very into speed running and breaking games with glitches to figure out how they work.

[fi3stazo]

josé dances like he’s in the peanuts movie

Goofy ahh parrot

[gaemkyuu]

Mommy will you marry Charlie? (Charlie Gillespie x Fictional Character)

Warnings: mention of teenage pregnancy A/N: I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of love “Mommy can we keep him” received. I was originally going to upload the proposal AND the wedding, but I’ve been struggling a bit with the wedding portion. I hope you enjoy the proposal! Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece! In no way do I claim characters in this piece act this way in real life.

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

Mommy will you marry Charlie?

“Hey! Are you ready to go?” Charlie knocked and popped his head into Riley’s ensuite, pausing to take in her beauty. She was dressed in a pretty summer dress and placed a few more bobby pins into her hair, smiling at him in the mirror.

“Just about. Are Owen and Savannah here?” Riley’s answer came at that moment when the doorbell rang. Charlie left the ensuite and headed for the door just as Emerson got to it.

“Emmy, what did we say about answering the door?” Charlie chastised, moving quicker to the door. Emerson slightly pouted knowing he was right and sat on the entryway bench, waiting for Charlie to open the door. “You guys are just in time!” “No thanks to Owen” Savannah scoffed, motioning to the giant behind her.

“I hadn’t eaten yet, I needed My Chick-fil-A, but then I forgot to order some for Emmy, so we had to go back through the drive through” he sighed, showing him the two bags of take out in his hands. “Where is the little stinker?”

“I’m not stinky! I took a bath!” she hopped on the entryway bench and into Savannah’s arms first, Owen dramatically displayed his offense to the toddler.

“How come she gets a hug first?! I brought you Chicken Strips!” Savannah picked her up and balanced her on her hip. “I even convinced the lady to give you two books!”

“Aunty Savannah didn’t call me stinky and knows that I ate supper before you came.” she giggled and shook her head. “Plus, I like the chicken nuggets and not the strips” Owen rolled his eyes and muttered a ‘oh come on’ under his breath, but as soon as Savannah put her down, Emerson gave Owen’s leg a hug.

Riley came to the front door and greeted her friends, thanking them again for being so willing to babysit while they went out for the evening. After Charlie and Emerson’s date, the couple decided that they would go on more family dates as a request from the little girl and Charlie. Riley didn’t think anything of it, but she certainly didn’t want to come between the relationship they were both developing. This was the first time Emerson ever really accepted another man into their lives.

At the young age of 18 and saving enough money, Riley moved out of her mother’s home in Chino Hills to a one bedroom, one bath in downtown LA that was closer to her office. Riley was grateful that her mom agreed to come over to their apartment to babysit Emerson while she was at work as it helped her to save up more money to eventually move into a chic modern home on the outskirts of downtown. She was always so focused on providing for Emerson that she rarely let anyone into her life and when she did, she always had to make sure that they got the seal of approval from Emerson.

There was Nick from the marketing department at Netflix who she thought was cute, but he wasn’t very open to the idea of potentially becoming a dad so early on. Emerson really didn’t like him as she would cry every time he looked at her or moved towards her. That didn’t last more than three weeks.

Then there was Jaime from the grocery store who loved children and really liked Riley, but Emerson didn’t like the fact that Riley made more money than Jaime and warned her mom several times about him, despite her young age. Riley learned her lesson that sometimes four year olds are very perceptive because Jaime asked to borrow money for his rent a month later.

Lastly, there was Greg, a single dad who had twins the same age as Emerson. That didn’t last because the kids would often fight. Emerson thought the children were dumb and immature, while the twins thought Emerson was acting like a weird grown up.

Riley always prioritized Emerson in any decision making process she had, but at her core she felt lonely. She couldn’t tell her daughter this despite her intelligence. She was still a child. What kind of a mother would she be if she vented to her child? But Emerson knew her mom was lonely. She often heard her crying in the pantry and quietly talking on the phone late at night. That’s why when Charlie walked in their lives, she knew she had to play nice for a little while for the sake of her mother. Neither girls expected that Charlie would become such an important piece of their lives.

“Emerson we will be back past your bedtime, so give me kisses now” Riley requested as she hugged her little girl and peppered her with kisses. She giggled and kissed her mother back until she let go. Instinctively, Charlie knelt down too and opened his arms, giving her a quick peck on the head. Emerson gave him a hug back and kissed him on the cheek, the gesture garnering a loud “aw” from Owen, as the girls silently admired the interaction. Charlie rolled his eyes and whispered to Emerson quickly, making her giggle as his breath tickled her ear and neck. 

“You guys should get going so we can start painting Uncle Owen’s nails!” Savannah interrupted, glancing at the time on her phone. “We also get to facetime Uncle Jeremy, Aunty Carolyn and Aunty Madison too!” Emerson got super excited and skipped to her bedroom to grab her “nail kit”, a toy Savannah had bought her last Christmas. With a laugh, the couple headed out the door and off to supper. 

As soon as the door closed, the two friends and Emerson got to work. They were in on the plan and set about decorating their house. Emerson and Charlie had gone to PartyCity a few days ago while Riley was at an executive meeting and picked out a bunch of decorations for his proposal. At first, Charlie was hesitant, but Emerson was absolutely sure her mother said yes. Knowing his past of always being proven wrong by Emerson, he decided to listen to the little girl and follow her lead.

“Remember, mommy had me when she was a kid so she missed out on kid things. Do a bunch of kid things with mommy!” 

That’s what prompted Charlie to take her to Santa Monica. Charlie had made a reservation at a restaurant on the Santa Monica beachfront and the two enjoyed a lovely casual dinner. They talked about projects they were excited about and started ‘people watching’ from their seats, laughing and making silly jokes about the people who passed them by. After dinner, they set out to do “Kid Things” and played games on the pier, settling for mini donuts as dessert and eventually watching the sunset. Charlie tensed for a moment, but quickly relaxed as he felt the small box in his pocket.

“Mommy won’t say yes unless I’m there. She would be too busy thinking about me before she says yes, so ask her at home”

“But what about bedtime?”

“I mean if you say I can stay up, then that should be okay right?”

“You okay? You looked tense for a second” Riley snapped him out of his thoughts, but he was grateful that she shivered because it gave him a chance to change the topic. 

“Yeah, I was just thinking about the sunset in Dieppe. Can’t wait to take you one day. Cold?” he draped his denim jacket over her shoulders, and hugged her from behind. As soon as the glow from the sunset disappeared and the glow of the carnival lights replaced them, Charlie decided that instead of walking on the beach, they would go home and watch a movie on the couch. They spent the drive back to Riley’s place in a comfortable silence with the radio gently playing music. Charlie started to feel more excited and antsy the closer they got to her place. Before exiting the car, he held her hand in his and kissed the back of it. “I love you, you know that?” Riley smiled, nodded and kissed him on the lips. Charlie raced her to the door, knowing full well that he would beat her to it, but that didn’t stop Riley from trying. They stumbled through the entry a fit of giggles and laughter, but Riley stumbled on a pair of shoes. 

“Charlie! I told you to... put your shoes...away?” she became more confused as she stared at the pair. They weren’t Owen’s, Charlie’s, Savannah’s or Emmerson’s. Who could be in their house? She looked up to see Charlie nowhere in sight and began to worry. “Char, this isn’t funny. This is like the scene from a horror movie” she quickly shed her shoes and walked down the corridor to the living room. She didn’t expect to see her mother, Charlie’s mom and their closest friends standing behind Charlie and Emerson with excited looks on their faces. To add to her confusion, they held party poppers and noise makers, while a giant Congratulations banner decorated her living room. She heard Emerson clear her throat and Charlie stood proudly beside her.

“Dear mommy, I stayed up past my bedtime because Charlie said I had to” everyone in the room laughed at this, as Emerson continued to read from the piece of paper in her hands. 

“Mommy, you work so hard to give me the best life and the best toys. Sometimes I wonder how I can give you the best life and the best toys, but adults don’t play with toys. I asked aunty Carolyn why she was so happy with uncle Jeremy, and she said it was because she gets to be with uncle Jeremy forever” Carolyn wiped the tear that had formed in her eyes. 

“I asked uncle Owen why aunty Carolyn and uncle Jeremy got to be together forever, and that’s when uncle Owen said it was because they were married.” She took a deep breath and lost her place on her paper. Charlie peaked over and pointed to where she needed to keep reading from. 

“Oh, right. When I asked you were getting married, you told me never and that it was a rude question, but I think that was because you had a bad day at work” despite the teary eyes, her comment made everyone laugh. 

“So I asked Charlie to go on a date with me and ask him when he would marry you” Riley gasped as Charlie pulled out the box with the ring, getting down on one knee. “I know Charlie makes you happy and I think you should be together forever. Charlie has a question for you and the answer is yes.”

“Riley King, I love you and I love Emerson. I can’t think of anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. You and Emerson are my family now, so let’s make it official” Charlie winked at Emerson who put her paper down and also got onto one knee beside Charlie.

“Mommy, will you marry Charlie?” Riley was crying full tears at this point listening to her daughter’s words, but she nodded and whispered a yes. Everyone erupted in a cheer and the party poppers went off as he put the ring on her finger, kissing her and picking up Emerson. “You did so good, Emmy!”

“You’re gonna be my daddy!!!” Emerson exclaimed, full of excitement and squeezing Charlie. 

Riley wiped her tears and kissed her daughter on the cheek, truly speechless. Everyone came around to congratulate them, Savannah, Madison, and Carolyn all wanting to see the ring first and then hugs. She was on cloud nine, still not able to understand how this was all being planned behind her back. “Is that why you volunteered to babysit?” Savannah nodded her head sheepishly and hugged her friend. Charlie’s mother gave her a big hug congratulating her on their engagement expressing her excitement to have another daughter in law, while Riley’s mother hugged Charlie, crying happy tears. The rest of the evening was spent enjoying everyone’s company that the couple lost track of time. By the time they said goodbye to Owen, the last to leave, Emerson had fallen asleep on the couch. 

“You mean to tell me, you planned this entire thing with my daughter behind my back?” Charlie smiled and nodded, picking the little girl up from the couch, careful not to wake her up. “I mean, I am touched, but I’m also afraid of what else you two are capable of doing”

“Just wait til you hear her ideas for the wedding.” Charlie chuckled as they headed to her room to tuck her in for the night. He put the little girl into bed and Riley watched the whole scene from the doorway, tears coming to her eyes as it finally sank in that this was her family. Emerson stirred and shifted around, uncomfortable all of a sudden. Charlie cooed at her and assured that she was fine, humming softly to her, something that he often used since the first night he helped her through a nightmare.

“G���night daddy” she mumbled in her sleepy daze, settling back to sleep. Charlie was taken off guard as the new title fell from her mouth. He felt his heart explode and wiped a tear that fell from his eyes.

“Sleep tight Princess” he sniffled, clearing his throat and kissing the top of her head. He pulled another blanket over her frame as she often got cold in the middle of the night. It amazed Riley how much Charlie knew of her daughter despite the amount of time he had been present in their lives. They softly shut the door behind them and walked hand in hand to their room. “Planning the wedding is going to be fun”

“I was thinking we do it in Dieppe or Moncton” Riley suggested, something to which Charlie lit up at. He looked at her with wide eyes in disbelief.

“If you’re pulling an Emerson on me right now, I’m going to be so mad” they had come up with the term ‘pulling an Emerson’ to describe the sarcasm they often received from the little girl. But Charlie became overjoyed as Riley bit her lip and shook her head, confirming that she did in fact want to get married in his hometown.

“We start planning tomorrow”

A/N: if you really want a wedding scene or a glimpse of life after the wedding let me know!

[reversecreek]

struts onto the dash carrying this deliriously wriggling little elf in my arms like a swaddled bebe......... they’re genuinely my oldest muse of all time i think i created them when i was like. 13 possibly. n i haven’t written them in Years but. i’m literally so excited to jst vibrating w muse. smiles at u all demurely..... they have risen. u can find their pinterest here n their playlist here.

* alana champion, nonbinary + they/them | you know nyla palmer, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, eight months? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 6669 (i don’t know if you know) by neon indian like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole a two headed doll of a prairie girl with stitched on rabbit ears and butterfly wings, befriending shadow puppets & finding god with your eyes open underwater in a public pool you broke into thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is march 2nd, so they’re a pisces, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt she/her  )

HISTORY:

was born in georgiaaaa georgiaaaa (phoebe bridgers voice holds my bang...) to a vry honest hard working man named george (omgggg he’s called GEORGE and he’s from GEORGIA? ahaaaaa fuckk ur jestinggg) nd a woman who did her best named pamela..... george worked on a construction site n pamela was a pharmacist..... their house was this small rickety white thing with a wrap around porch n a very rabid overgrown garden tht kind of looked like the earth ws trying to reclaim it bc nobody ever hd the time or motivation to mow the lawn.... there ws literally a piece of fold out furniture just entirely submerged by weeds n foliage

nyla ws always closest w their dad george..... he hd this way of looking at the world tht was seeing the best in all of it.... he took them on long walks where he talked abt how u have to respect the trees bc they’re breathing fr us n we’re breathing fr them..... he hd a strange whimsical sense of humour n a gnome alter ego called grundlebolt who always tickled them..... in a way this closeness created a distance between nyla n their mother but not so much that it ws rly a problem. just enough tht nyla sometimes waited until their mother ws out of eye n ear shot to tell their dad they loved him bc they didn’t wna make her sad >_>

(mental health, death & grief tw) pamela always struggled w her mental health but george ws great n understanding n knew how to help her thru this... nyla didn’t get it too greatly at a very young age bt they knew their mum got “the sads” sometimes (how their dad wld explain tht she needed to lay down in the quiet for a while or why she’d stood at the stove n let the dinner burn until the smoke detector went off without doing anything abt it). when nyla was 14 they got home one day to a police car in the driveway n came prancing in exuberantly as they always did. immediately hugged the legs of an officer bc this is hw they wld greet everyone they ever met. they only realised something was wrong when they let go n saw their mum sat at the table crying. essentially there ws an accident at the construction site george worked at n :/ yeah. 

(jst mental health & grief tw now) this rly had an intense ripple effect on everyone tbh. pamela’s mental health deteriorated quite a lot without george there as her rock n nyla sort of had to step in as best they cld but it was....... hard. some days she ws better bt some days nyla had to sit her in the bath n stroke a wet sponge over her back bc they didn’t know how else to calm her down. nyla always had a very overactive imagination which george encouraged bt it ws like. losing him rly opened a window in nyla’s head n all rationality went floating out of it. their dreams seemed more real than being awake. fantasy wasn’t jst the way they coped bt it was the way they thought n the way they saw. everything on earth was alive. the trees n the clouds n the wall with a brick missing at the bottom of her road n especially their dad. their dad was alive in everything in nyla’s head. the sun shining extra bright in the morning was george. ponds were a veil they could dunk her head under and find george waiting on the other side. reality rly just pulled the plug n said bye tbh n they were ok w that <3

(abuse implied tw) their mum remarried too fast to a man named stephen n it was jst not a good arrangement. he was Not a nice man. i won’t go into this but home wasn’t a nice place for nyla any more n after a couple of yrs stephen wound up asking them to leave n their mum said nothing to contradict tht. there’s more to this bt long story short nyla left <3

(drugs tw) they couch surfed fr a while before settling living w their best friend. they got up to like... all sorts of trouble n grew up far too fast. nyla’s lack of sense n realism hd a habit of getting them into some sticky situations n these few yrs were a rollercoaster where they got by on the skin of their teeth. when they think of high skl they think of gravel and skinned knees and sucking sherbet dunkers to ignore the taste of pennies in ur mouth and getting lost in the woods a lot bc they’d take FAR too many drugs n be lead astray having conversations with kind trees whose branches held their hands

(drug mention) got by on odd jobs like making candles n selling them at market stalls. leaf blowing at cemeteries. face painting fr children’s parties (where they were blatantly high). random stuff. all over the place. in this time them n their best friend also hd a sugar daddy named tony who always wore very impressive colour block suits n mink stoles n jewelled fedoras n hd a swanky apartment w marble floors. rly just. surreal. lots of strange stories frm this time.

things kind of blew up in their friendship group n they fell out w their best friend raya bc she slept w this guy aj who nyla hd been madly in love w for yrs.... he was a Stinker n honestly so ws their best friend so good riddance i say bt obviously it felt like having their entire world flipped upside dwn fr nyla.... they split after this came out bc they just did Not want to b around these ppl any more n they decided to leave w this guy frm a band they barely knew tht much save fr a one night stand to tour w them..... this ws another whirlwind. jst chock full of them. it ws similar to being on a teacup ride at a carnival n spinning round n round n only knowing u were surrounded by lots of lights. tht’s how they’d best describe their time on tour.

SO in terms of them coming to irving 8 months ago they came w the band.... they honestly did pretty well on tour n wound up renting a big beach house on dorado as a kind of “retreat” sort of place fr them to shack up in while they worked on writing and recording their first big studio album (they gt signed w a label so it’s all vry exciting stuff). nyla among like 3 others were allowed to stay w them too bc they hd a lot of fun on tour. literally jst. taken on as professional groupies essentially. nyla loved it bc they’d never seen the ocean n when they first got there they jst threw off all their clothes n ran straight into the water. it was 3pm on a tuesday afternoon. they got arrested fr public indecency n didn’t get why bc they were like but i just wanted to hug the ocean u silly little oinker? i picture the beach house as like. the loudest one on dorado.... comes alive like a jungle at night..... they r probably bad neighbours. anyway. onto personality puts hand on hip.

PERSONALITY:

sets out patio furniture on someone else’s lawn n jst takes a seat n leans back like ahhhhh vat a nice day to be alive ya! (swedish accent suddenly bc they think it’s fun). they come out n start yelling n they’re jst so confused they’re like hey wat’s the big idea hey wat’s go on here why u angies why this happen?

likes drawing imaginary veins over their arms in all different colour blue pens in a sudden fit of hyperfixation n then forgets all abt it n goes out like tht n scares several townsfolk bt they’re oblivious they’re jst in her own world loving life already onto the next fixation. has many many different fads like this. one day will jst start snipping up a bunch of magazines bc they’re like EYES ARE COOL N THEY SEE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P n they’ll stick a bunch of them over their wall n then forget they was doing that n leap onto the next. quite a pattern. bt they love the vein thing a lot it makes them feel like a walking planetarium like they have their own constellations

sometimes jst doesn’t make sense. they’re honestly kind of strange. pops up in places like they suddenly materialised there n it’s like how did u get there where have u been when were u last seen are u ok. has the energy of an ancient deity frm deep in a mountain cave n an ambiguous forest sprite all at once..... talks shit honestly. abt anything n everything. sometimes outrageous. sometimes plain incoherent. like what are u talking about? i dnt kno. even i dnt kno sometimes.

luvs stick n pokes will let anyone tattoo whatever they want on them for the price of a gummy bear kindly placed onto their tongue n swallowed whole

has this obsession w being underwater w their eyes open luvs it. calls it their tadpole time. runs baths just to lie there blinking looking around n drifting her arms. best friends w the bottom of any local swimming pool n hs probably given it a quick kiss so it knows they’re bff’s n then got sick bc there’s sm germs in a public pool. says the kgb probably poisoned their oatmeal n r finally here to deliver on their promise n THAT’S why they got sick unrelated to the pool incident. what promise? noone knows.

unclear if they believe what they say or if they jst has a very expanded sense of humour where they nvr let on if they’re joking.... lines r blurred a lot..... 

loves excitedly shouting things. sometimes just screams at the sky bc they say it’s good to let the creatures in ur belly fly out every once in a while otherwise their wings get sore.

(drugs tw) still does an excessive amt of hallucinogens n it kind of shows. very bad fr their brain bt we’re going to ignore it.

dresses fun n strange n eccentric n careless. loves to experiment. does nt care abt what’s considered to be societally appropriate. living in their own world.

sleeps around a lot... jst doesn’t rly see sex as a big deal.... very free w themselves in that way..... sometimes greets their friends w a kiss on the lips they’re like awww :) kisses <3 when they run into them in the middle of the cereal aisle n then pulls away n suddenly breaks into a box tht has a free toy in it bc it’s a banana with googly eyes n that’s the best thing they’ve ever heard in their LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! n isn’t he so HANDSOME????? enchante indeed my good sir ;)... gives the toy a kiss too.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

other groupies of the band: self explanatory a little.... i dnt have a name for the band yet bt all can b worked out..... i picture them as kind of. not that nice but like. there for a good time........ rock genre.... bit chaotic...... to say the least........ they dnt have to have come there w the band like nyla n the others they cld have been adopted in their time there.... whoever wld b wild n down fr a good time <3

chaotic trash goblin friends: idk what this title rly means it just came to me in a vision....... jst ppl tht r rly kind of off the rails n don’t care abt anything...... they r who nyla tends to mesh very well w......... they rly r living in their own world n by their own rules n they like ppl who do this too <3 inevitably they get up to no good n party far too much...... cld be angst to this if they enable each other’s bad habits...... world’s our oyster. opens my office door. let’s talk abt it.

nyla set up camp on their front lawn: maybe jst w a fold out chair. maybe w a literal pop up tent w someone else too. genuinely so bizarre of them bt that’s what we’re dealing with. they poke their head into the tent n nyla’s lying down crunching on a cracker crumbs over their tits n they just hold it out to them nt even fully consumed n are like hey polly want a cracker? :)

they responded to her craigslist ad: they posted one saying they cld cleanse their house of demonic energy bc they’re an all seeing eye in touch w the spirits. this is a lie. they came n waved sage around n did a little dance as they did it w bird sounds playing on a special cd they brought fr the occasion (had weird indistinct doodles over the case it ws brought in) n then ws like OOH! scary.... n jumped at something in the hall. they go in thinking maybe they’ve seen a ghost bt they just were startled by their own reflection in a mirror n is like. scary mirror placement...... might wna reconsider that........ they charge them merely 10 dollars fr their time n is like this was so fun we shd do it again some time :) also i think u have mould on ur bathroom tile! vanishes. they dnt recall them ever going to the bathroom.

came knocking asking for items for a garage sale: yes. u heard that right. they’re asking for ur muses things to set up their own garage sale. selling items that do not belong to them. they think this is a genius business strategy n don’t understand why ppl think this is so strange or why they cant just ask ppl to donate them things to sell bc hey they’re an entrepreneur? they even had a pencil behind their ear when they knocked on the door so why aren’t ppl taking their business seriously? probably got distracted several times trying to explain their pitch n chattered abt random other things instead.

honestly anything... fwbs... flings... good influence... someone who cnt stand the fact they’re barely coherent.... someone they stopped on the street one day n asked for their opinion on water beds.... we cn do literally anything. fling ur chara my way n we can talk.

[yamithediaperdork]

From attack mode to big baby mode (YGO 5DS)

From attack mode to baby mode

The first thing Yusei noticed when he woke up was that he'd apparently been moved in his sleep. It was the only way to explain how his normal room had suddenly gotten a make over of having baby blue walls with a series of chibi duel monsters on the walls , Toss in the fact as he sat up he could see he was in a crib, not to mention there being a well stocked changing table against one wall with a diaper pail next to it and well, no shit he'd been moved. One worrying fact about the diaper pail though was that his name was on the thing. 'Last time I checked I don't wear huggies..that's more of a Luna and Leo thing.' He thought and went to stand up and forth as a loud crinkle was heard and there was a bulk between his legs. 'Then again..' A blush came to his face as he reached down and poked at the massive white diaper that had dragon type themed tapes and he realized he was in just his new found padding and a blue t-shirt with 'Lil stinker' on the front in white letters. He also realized as he poked his padding that he was one very soggy little guy. Oddly this didn't seem to bug him as much as it should, most of his discomfort came from the fact he wanted out of the wet diaper then he was in a nursery and dressed like a big baby. "Uh..Hello? anyone there?..I could er.. reallllly do with a diaper change." he called out looking around his apparently new room. there was a baby monitor on a dresser so he was sure someone would be in shortly, and he noticed a toy chest filled with stuffies that oddly were calling his attention. Taking in stock of his new bed, he noted the crib was about the size of a queen sized bed, with a very soft mattress and had more of the chibi duel monsters on the sheets and from the crinkle and crackle he guessed there was a rubber sheet on under the main one. there was a light pink fuzzy blanket that he'd been covered up with and a like wise pink pillow with more then a few wet spots from where he'd been drooling up a river in his sleep. there was also a stuffie of the ancient fairy dragon, looking a little worn but as he saw it a silly grin came over his face and with one hand on the sturdy wooden rail of his crib, he bent down to pick it up. As he did so he let out a HUGH fart though then had the curious feeling of a lot of hot mud filling up the back of his diaper as he tried to figure out what had just happened, looking puzzled and getting his stuffie and hugging it to his chest. 'Huh.. some kinda warm mud spell?' He thought at first then it ever so slowly dawned on him as the smell reached his nose what he'd done. 'I just..I just made ..In..My diaper..With..No control?' He thought, hugging the stuffie close and whimpering. Again oddly he wasn't as embarrassed as he should of been it was more he didn't like the warm squishy feeling or the smell and without any self control started to tear up then bawl. "I went poopie! Wahhh!" he sobbed like a big baby. The door to the nursery opened up and there was Luna, in a set of pink jammies and rushing over to the crib. "Shhh shhh it's ok Yusei, it's alright, big sister is here!" She coo'ed to the distract over sized baby and then she was lowering the bars. Her nose seemed to wrinkle at the smell but she didn't say anything about it, only muttering words of comfort as she helped him out of the crib. Leo followed her after about 20 seconds though he reacted as if he'd hit a wall as the stink hit him and held his nose. "whew! I told you that prune baby food was a bad idea!" He joked and grinned. "Leo! Not now! the baby is upset!" She scolded as she Helped Yusei up onto the changing table, his diaper squishing as he got on there and making him bawl louder. "Shhh it's ok Little Yusei. Big bro and sis are here, Just play with fairy dragon like a good little one and we'll get you alll cleaned up." Yusei had  a lot of questions, but none of them came out as he instead just sniffled and whimpered and then nodded. "Otay." He lisped.

One smelly diaper change later during which Yusei had at one point held the stuffie to his face and whined 'stinky') and he was feeling much better in a clean diaper. He'd had a red and pink paci popped into his mouth and forth himself nursing on it lots as Leo and Luna fought over how to dress him for the day. "you got to dress him yesterday, it's my turn to pick." Luna said, hands on her hips. "Yeah but I'm trying to protect my little bro! you're gonna dress him like a sissy again!" Leo huffed, arms crossed. "Don't be jealous just because he can pull off a dress and you can't." Luna teased and made Leo huff and blush. "Besides, Little Yusei loves his pretty dresses don't you?" she added, turning to him for a answer. Hugging his stuffie and in just one of the bulky dragon diapers, Yusei found himself nodding and grinning around his paci, though not sure why. "Fine! I give up! it's gonna be a house of girls!" Leo huffed and threw up his hands in mock frustration. "I guess it does help our little bro is SUCH a cute sissy though." he added and patting Yusei's head. the big baby coo'ed and giggled at the head pat while Luna went and picked out two outfits and held them up for Yusei to pick. The left outfit was a light pink top with a darker pink skirt, with a pair of light pink socks and a panty cover that was light pink with darker pink ruffles on the butt. The right outfit was a full on dress, Light blue with puffy shoulders and a longer skirt section, and came with a pair of white tights. "So Little one, which outfit do you wanna wear today? I know we're going to the park but it's ok if you get these dirty..It's Leo's turn to do the landry." Luna said with a impish grin. "Oh, REAL mature." Leo huffed and gave a playful light punch to his sisters shoulder. Yusei squirmed, looking back and forth at his choices and realizing that while never in a million years would of he normally of wore either of these, right now he was actually having a hard time picking which one he wanted! in the end the pink choice seemed like it's be easier for playing in (Somehow the idea of going  to the park like this less scared him and more had him happy and excited) and he pointed at it. "Oh good choice! you're going to be the cutest baby there!" Luna coo'ed. "pffft, like he would have any competition if he went in just his diapers. we've got the cutest baby bro!" Leo said. "heh, true!"

Getting the big baby all dressed up took some doing, Yusei honestly kept getting distracted by his stuffie and was making the twins do all the work. But soon he was looking at his reflection and grinning, letting the paci fall from his mouth (it had since been attached to a ribbon and a paci clip which was then clipped to his top) and he coo'ed at the baby gurl in the reflection. "Pwetty!" he giggled and wiggled his hips back and forth. He'd somehow gone from questioning all of this to more or less accepting his situation, though there was a small part of his mind (and getting smaller by the second) wondering just what the heck was going on. "yeah you are. very pretty." Leo said and came up and patted Yusei's ruffled butt. "I'm man enough to admit when I was wrong, this is a very cu- Eek!" Leo went from talking to yelping suddenly  as Luna tugged the back of his blue jammie bottoms open and looked down. "Good boy Leo! only some skid marks!" She praised and Yusei started to giggle. "Lunnnnnaaaaa! Not in front of little bro!" Leo huffed as she had him turn around and poked the front of his pants. "Hmm a little soggy, but much better then last week. somebodies almost ready for big boy undies!" She said. Leo went from beaming with pride to then scowling. "Hey! you said these WERE big boy undies cuz they're washable!" He huffed, hands on his hips. "Their still training pants Leo..but ok, I yield to your logic. go get a dry pair on, you know how you can get when your over excited." Luna said and then kissed his cheek and sent him on his way. '..Apparently she's the only fully potty trained on e in the house.. neat.' Yusei thought and giggled at just how silly the whole thing had been. "Come on Lil sis." Luna said and winked as Yusei giggled. "let's go get some num num's in you. don't want a attack from the grumpy monster just because your hungry." As she spoke she took Yusei's hand and lead him to the kitchen where a high chair was ready for him and got him seated and the tray in place with minimal fuss then got him a bowl of cheerios to munch on and a baby bottle of cold white milk. As he munched away Leo came in, having changed into his normal outfit but Yusei noticed the slight puff in the butt as he bent down to get a box of fruit loops out and pour himself a bowl. while the padded boys had their cereal Luna apparently preferred some Eggo's and the three apparently now siblings munched and mostly ate in silence, only broken when as Leo was drinking the last of his milk from his bowl some of it went down the front of his shirt. "I uh..guess I better go get changed huh?" he asked sheepishly. "Maybe you should start wearing one of Yusei's bibs." Luna teased but winked to let him know she was kidding. "nah, like you said, I'm doing landry today anyways. be back in a flash." Leo said and excused himself from the table. before he was totally out of the room Luna called after him. "Make sure you use the bathroom. I'm not packing extra training pants today!" "yeah yeah!" came his reply.

with herself and the big baby fed Luna had Yusei stay in his high chair while she went and got dressed, then coming back she let him out of the highchair and lead him back to the nursery as they started to pack a large pink diaper bag that read 'fairy princess Yusei' on the side. again this was something that SHOULD of had the young adult blushing but instead he just giggled and coo'ed. "Let's see, we're gonna be out for about 5 hours..so to be safe I'll bring five diapers. I know you don't potty THAT often Lil sis but better safe then sorry." Luna said and Yusei shrugged and popped his paci into his mouth and suckled. Luna grabbed the five diapers then paused and turned around. "Can you show big sis how many five is?" She asked, smiling. Yusei giggled and thought that was a silly question and went to hold up the right amount of fingers and beamed. "Oh so close! that's only three! but it's ok." Luna coo'ed and patted his head. the small tiny part of Yusei's mind was befuddled, how could of he made a mistake like that? the rest, just enjoyed the head pat and coo'ed.

to be continued

[thankskenpenders]

So there’s this little cartoon you may have heard of...

As I’ve said on this blog before, I’d never watched all of SatAM. This might be shocking to hear from someone who runs a blog dedicated to Archie Sonic and one of the top twenty Bunnie Rabbot fangirls in the world. But it’s true.

SatAM was very difficult to track down compared to other Sonic cartoons when I was a kid, and I just never got around to watching it as an adult. So for the longest time, I had only ever seen the first episode, which I found uploaded in parts on YouTube in 2007. As the one cartoon featuring the characters I liked from the comics, it became sort of this holy grail of Sonic media for me as a kid, especially with people online always talking it up as the best thing ever and petitioning for a revival. Hell, to this day, a lot of people hold it up as this masterpiece and act like the Archie comics were a complete mockery of it

Anyway so I finally got around to watching the whole series with my boyfriend these past couple weeks, and it was pretty good. So instead of covering a comic today, here are some thoughts on the cartoon that started it all

General Thoughts

SatAM is a pretty good show. It isn’t the greatest piece of Sonic media ever, unlike what some older fans will tell you. It might not even be the best Sonic cartoon (you could easily make a case for the Japanese version of Sonic X, or Sonic Boom if you’re looking for something more comedic). It hasn’t aged the most gracefully, in some ways. The animation’s cheap, the stories sometimes bland. But for a DiC-produced video game cartoon from the early ‘90s, it’s really solid

I think that in many ways, SatAM is carried by the strength of its ideas over its actual execution. The darker, more serious tone is a really cool idea, even if at times it can get a little dull, and even if the show actually gets silly as hell pretty often. (This is a show where Snively literally tortures a captive Antoine by preparing French cuisine improperly.) That opening scene of Robotropolis in the first episode actually sets the mood really well and feels like it came straight out of some cyberpunk anime from the ‘80s or ‘90s. The concept of Robotnik turning people into robot slaves is really cool, even if surprisingly little was done with this aside from Uncle Chuck’s storyline. And I think the Freedom Fighters make a great supporting cast for Sonic, even if the writers didn’t use them to their full potential

Interestingly, I’d often heard from fans that season one was the stronger of the two, when I’d say that the opposite is true. Season one episodes were pretty samey, usually involving low stakes missions to Robotropolis with no real continuity, and Sally ended up being a damsel in distress more than I’d like--hell, so did Bunnie in a few episodes. It wasn’t bad, but it was highly repetitive, and I got a little bored at times. Season two had a few real stinkers (the Antoine episodes) and Dulcy was an unwelcome addition, but I thought the heavier focus on continuity gave the season some real momentum and more emotional weight, which made it way more enjoyable overall

Things I Liked

Sonic. I quite liked this version of Sonic, actually! Jaleel White is a great Sonic, and he was written pretty well. At times the extremely tubular ‘90s lingo was grating (I never wanna hear “Gotta juice!” again), but I was surprised to see that this version of Sonic had a lot of heart. He really cared about the well-being of his friends and Uncle Chuck, and they even let him cry a couple times. I thought they struck a good balance between snark and sincerity with him

Sally. I don’t think SatAM Sally was perfect, but I liked her. I’m still of the opinion that she should have been given more ways to defend herself physically (maybe some kind of power of her own) so that Sonic didn’t have to save her as much, but I liked the banter she and Sonic had. Unlike the early Archie comics, Sally doesn’t come off as the bossy girlfriend who ruins Sonic’s fun. Maybe it’s Jaleel White and Kath Soucie’s performances doing most of the work, but they had a fun back and forth dynamic, with Sally’s sarcasm keeping Sonic’s ego in check, but there still being clear chemistry between the two of them

I also liked the greatly reduced emphasis on her being a princess compared to much of Archie’s material. Like yeah, it’s there. Her dad’s the king, and left her some classified info via Nicole. But her status doesn’t really affect things much. They don’t talk about her having this grand destiny and being the next in line to rule. It’s clear that she’s in charge of the Freedom Fighters not because of her status, but because she’s smart, brave, and gets shit done. That’s the Sally I like.

Plus! In the finale, Sally insisted upon going with Sonic for the final confrontation, and was a crucial part of the climax. Her powering up with Sonic and matching his speed and strength ruled. Compare that to the climactic defeat of Robotnik in Archie, where she was fucking dead

Robotnik. I don’t think much needs to be said here. Jim Cummings rules as Robotnik, like everyone has always said. He’s just so evil and so much fun to watch

Snively??? I’ve never cared for Snively as a character, but Charlie Adler rules and his over-the-top performance made the character way funnier than he should’ve been. Just something about all the little noises he makes, and the way he almost shifts into the Red Guy voice at times

Nicole. It was fun to see Nicole start to get more of a personality in season two, having some banter with Sonic and also picking up some slang from him. It makes the later decision to turn Sally’s computer into a full character (which would have happened in season three, and obviously eventually became a big subplot in the comics) make a lot of sense

King Acorn. While he was only around briefly, I liked that he wasn’t a huge dick, unlike Archie’s King Max

Things I Didn’t Like

The misuse of the other Freedom Fighters. This is, by far, the show’s greatest crime.

I already write approximately 100k words a week on this blog about how I think Bunnie Rabbot is amazing and criminally underused, so I’ll keep this brief, but I was shocked to see how little she was used in this show. People tend to say Dulcy stole her screentime in season two, but she didn’t have much to do in the first season either! We somehow never got a single episode focusing on her. The one where she got temporarily deroboticized focused much more on Uncle Chuck. We never got to learn the story behind her roboticization, or delved into her feelings on the matter much. She mostly just served as a positive, lighthearted supporting member of the team who acts cute and gets some funny lines, but usually stays home

Antoine might have been even worse, honestly. Like, they used him so much! They had multiple episodes focusing entirely on him! And yet I’m not sure he ever really helped. Sonic and Sally kept taking him along, but every single time it felt like it would’ve been a wiser decision to bring Bunnie instead. The jokes about his broken English were just dumb, and god, the way he constantly hits on Sally and starts kissing her hand at the most inappropriate times is just SO fucking creepy. SatAM Antoine is just a horrible, one-dimensional stereotype. There’s a reason why readers of the Archie comics wanted him out of the series until later writers majorly rehabilitated him

Rotor also didn’t get much use, which was a shame, but it at least felt like he was used efficiently. I got the vibe that Rotor was much more bitter about the war with Robotnik than his friends, and it would’ve been interesting to see this explored more. At least we got that one fun episode where he went to space with Sonic

Dulcy. Oh my fucking god. I wanted to like Dulcy! I really did! But most of the time she was just a clutz used for comic relief, and they kept reusing the same joke where she crashed, bumped her head, got dizzy, and thought she was talking to her mom. This happened in almost every episode she was in.

The other miscellaneous Freedom Fighters. Like in the early Archie comics, none of the other miscellaneous Mobians they meet were as interesting as the core cast. They just always felt very bland and I was never as invested in them as the writers wanted me to be. Ari was boring, and that episode where they found the underground city and this other dude started hitting on Sally was a drag. Lupe’s cute though

Rings. This is a common problem in Sonic adaptations, but the fact that rings always serve as Sonic’s instant win button kind of sucks. Basically any time Sonic’s in a pinch, he pulls a ring out of his backpack, powers up, and wins. Not exactly a recipe for suspenseful action

Oh, also, I did kinda find it weird how much Sonic and Sally kissed? Like, all the time? Often while their friends just stand there and stare at them? Not something I’d expect from a Sonic cartoon

Things Archie Did Better

I’ll limit this to the first 50 issues or so, since I don’t think it would be fair to compare two short seasons of SatAM to the highlights of nearly 500 issues of comics

Tails. Tails is okay in SatAM, Archie just used him as Sonic’s sidekick way more. He was barely even in the show. Poor little guy only gets to play dirt hockey all day

Bunnie. Again, Bunnie was underutilized in both series, but the Archie comics did her better. They actually showed the story of how she got roboticized (even if it was a silly story), and they got to flesh her out a bit more. Gallagher showing that she was a carrot farmer before her roboticization and saying she wanted to be a hairdresser was at least something. And as I keep harping on, Rich Koslowski’s backup story in #37 where we find out Bunnie has recurring nightmares about her robot parts taking over and making her a threat to her friends? This single backup story did more to flesh her out than all 26 episodes of SatAM combined

Antoine. Not hard to do better than SatAM here, really. He was really bad early on, serving as little more than Sonic’s punching bag, but eventually they started to set up a romance between him and Bunnie and explored his past a bit, saying that Antoine’s father (his personal role model) was a member of the royal guard who was roboticized in the war. While he still had a long way to go, these were important first steps towards him being a decent character. Hell, these days, being Bunnie’s love interest is one of Antoine’s defining characteristics! And it doesn’t come from the cartoon at all

Roboticization in general. I was surprised how little this came up in the cartoon! In the comics, it’s such a central element. We see more of the heroes’ loved ones turned into robots, and we even got some fun stories where characters like Sonic and Sally were roboticized temporarily. The Freedom Fighters’ efforts to reverse the process was a major part of the plot for quite a while. Bunnie’s fear of losing control is a pretty important part of her character (even if it was only touched on briefly), and after they’re rescued, the rest of the Mobians fear that the “Robians” (including Sonic’s entire family) will turn evil again. It comes up a lot! There are interesting things to discuss here! But SatAM only really talks about Uncle Chuck. We never even see what happened to everyone else

Closing Thoughts

SatAM is not the best show in the world, but it is a solid and enjoyable one. It’s easy to see why people who grew up with it are fond of it, even if I think that it’s long past time certain fans quit acting like it’s the only valid take on the Sonic source material and petitioning for a third season. At the very least, the concepts and characters introduced here are strong ones, and it’s easy to see how they spawned over 20 years of comics exploring said ideas in greater detail. While I’m not sure I could recommend it to non-fans, I think it’s definitely worth checking out for Sonic fans who missed out on it (especially fans of the Archie comics)

Anyway I got to see Bunnie dropkick some Swatbots twice her height so I had fun

[killian-whump]

OUAT 2x21: Rewatch Blog

Hey everybody! It’s time for another rewatch blog, this time for the big Season 2 finale! Well, the start of it anyway ;) This first half is called “Second Star to the Right...” and I bet you can’t guess what the next part’s called!

...Okay, let’s, uh, not worry about that now. We’ll worry about that next time! For now, let’s start the show!

Aw, poor Bae.

6 months on the streets. That really sucks :(

Aww... Wendy is sweet <3

Hahaha, Gold, that's a little silly, making Whale kiss the bottom of your boot, don't you think?

I mean, the TOP of the boot is so much nicer, then you get to WATCH them do it. Also, the bottom of the boot is just gross. Ew. Not hot at all.

Ummm... what were we talking about? Oh, right. The show.

EMMA AND DADDY CHARMING WITH GUNS BLAZIIIIING

"Haven't you already gone down that road?" Oh, Snow. Your complete lack of faith is... touching? Kinda? No? No.

"Orrrrr maybe it's time for you to let it go?" WHAT DID I JUST SAY, SNOW?

OOOOOOOH GOOD WHUMP SCENE COMING

Hahaha, I never noticed this before, but Hook is the one strapping Regina to the gurney in the background.

KINKY.

I can just imagine how that came about. “No, no, let me tie down the Queen. I’m good at it, you see. Very skilled. I have... skills.” “Is this some sort of sex th-” “No, no, just let me tie up the lass.”

And the hook teasing her cleavage. Hook, you little stinker. I take back anything I ever said about him not having a topping bone in his body. He’s got a little one. Somewhere. Not sure where. It hides most of the time.

"Sorry, mate. Gonna have to say no." <3

EEEEEEE I love this, tho <3 Don’t hate me for it, it’s kinda my thing ;)

Awwwwww <3 The Darlings have taken Bae in <3

Aaaaaaand I hope you enjoyed your red hot minute of belonging in a happy, functional family, Bae. Now here comes news of the shadow -_-

Geez. You guys aren't going to listen to him at all, are you.

"Regina's missing and we think she might be in danger." "...just the way I like her!"

Rumple's in top form this episode, what with the boot-licking and the sass.

"This is one of Regina's tears." WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF- "Why do you have one of Regina's tears?" THAT'S SUCH A GOOD QUESTION. "Because I do." THAT IS AN UNSATISFACTORY ANSWER, MR. GOLD.

"Whatever she sees, you'll see. Whatever she feels, you'll feel."

UMMMMM. I don't remember that part. Twice the whump, twice the fun XD

Also, what happened to a simple Locator Spell? XD Not whumpy enough?

NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.

"You really can do magic..." Oh, Lacey <3

"My heart is dark because of what I did to Regina." Umm... I think it's 'cos of what you did to Cora, actually. Also, it's more like... a baby guppy of darkness. Very small. Not even a tadpole. I wouldn’t worry about it, really.

Like one of these, but DAAAAAAARK and made of murder.

Snow can't put the drop in her own eye, though? Oh, I guess with only one drop, they have to be sure... Although that sure looks like a lot more than one drop. Eh, whatever. It sounds legit.

...except the drop totally slipped right out of her eye, haha. Oops?

Awww... it didn't wo-

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHUMP

DRAMATIC MUSIC

COMMERCIAL!!!!

I mean, except not, but you can tell that's where one would've been if they'd been there XD

Aw, hell no. Back to the Darlings. They're still not gonna listen to Bae, are they? *siiiiigh*

HE TOLD YOU NOT TO OPEN THE WINDOW.

LIKE THAT SHIT'S NOT FUCKING TERRIFYING

YOU SHOULD BE TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW

DON’T GO WITH THE TERRIFYING SHADOW MAN

WHY WOULD YOU GO WITH THE TERRIFYING SHADOW

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN-

THAT THING IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

WENDY, DON'T BE STUPID

WENDY, YOU'RE SO STUPID

Don't be sad, Bae. She was stupid. In time, gravity will get her.

Lana, that was a nice gasp.

Oooh... raspy voicefrom screaming. Threats in the raspy voice. NICE.

Guys, I’m so sorry I’m enjoying this so much, but...

"We're here to cleanse this land of it." That doesn't sound nuts or anything.

I lied, by the way. That sounds hella nuts.

BELIEBERS FOUND HIM!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, no. He said believers. That's not as funny.

It smelled like sardines. Like, that's maybe a CLUE, guys.

Oh, good. He mentioned the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS clue XD

Good detective work, Emma!

Oh no. We're back here again, at the Darlings'.

Can we go away again? Maybe back to the Cannery? The beach? Tamara's room? ANYWHERE but here? No?

Guess not. We're still here.

*sigh*

This is like a slow train into a brick wall and I hate it. Choo chooooo.

Aw, geez.

Rumple... Geez.

Aw, geez.

Cannery time!

Hahahahahahaha :) I love it when they all pull guns on each other XD

"What the hell, you guys?" Ummm, what the hell, YOU? How did they get down there so fast when you were RIGHT next to this place and they were at the loft? Are you moving at a snail's pace?! Is the loft right upstairs? Where is anything, actually? What is everything?

Did he just... hand Emma his GUN? Why would he- Oh, a walkie-talkie. Okay.

Ahhhhh Regina’s eyes are all red T_T Don't worry, help is coming!!

I love it when help comes :D

Ahhhhhhh "Now go ahead and kill me." SO BRAVE T_T

Aw, shit. We're back with the Darlings again.

AND THEY'RE ARMING THEMSELVES

THE LIGHTS ARE ALL GOING OUT

"Don't be frightened."

IT'S TOO LATE, BAE. I AM VERY FRIGHTENED.

Aww, Bae being heroic!

SEE, Wendy? This is why I TOLD you to listen to him, dammit.

Creepy ass shadow.

Is he trying to fly him to Neverland or trying to KILL his ass DEAD? Seriously, man. FLYING LESSONS. PRONTO. You suck at this, and it’s like, the ONLY thing you fucking DO, you creepy ass shadow.

AHHHHHH Where's the rescue? We need a rescue! All good whump scenes have a-

DAVE TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

That was a pretty good rescue there. Good job, Dave!

Neal: "So I was right, it wasn't Tamara." *Tamara knocks Emma out with a pipe* Neal: "Oh, hiiiiiiiii honey. Whatcha doin’?"

I WOULD'VE PAID MONEY FOR THAT LINE. REAL, ACTUAL MONEY.

Tamara... Ugh. I really don't like her, guys. Like, really.

I know Neal did Emma bad, and I know he's not a great guy by any means, but... Tamara did him worse, honestly. I mean, she was playing him ALL ALONG. That's cold, man. COLD.

Aaaaaaand now she's shot him. And it's not even a good shooting, whump-wise :/ Tamara, you fucking faker, ISTG.

Oh, no, she's gonna shoot him in the he-

EMMA TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

Holy shit, that was some slam into the wall, Emma. Geez. DO IT AGAIN.

Hahahaha, I love how dumb Tamara looks throwing the bean. I wish it had been a dud and just not done anything. That would've been hilarious. "Did you... just throw a BEAN at me?" "Yeah, I, uh... It was supposed to do something..." "That's so sad."

You know, maybe if they'd GOT THEIR ASSES MOVING instead of standing there chatting, Neal wouldn't be getting SUCKED INTO A GIANT GLOWING PORTAL OF DOOM right now. Just a thought.

Ooooh a dramatic "I love you" at the zero hour!

And another one! What is this, Zero Hour Love Confession Christmas?!?!

Bye Neal T_T

SERVES YOU RIGHT, DUMBASS GREG D: That’s what you get for being a giant dumbass, you dumbass.

Shut up, it’s not like YOU’VE never taunted a dude over his dead DAD.

Ummm... How does MAGIC work to remove the magic cancelling cuff? And couldn't, like, any of them just... take it off? Isn't that how they work later in the series?

Oh, wow. Emma. Wow. Good acting there. She looks totally shook.

"Neverland?" Well, where did you THINK you were going, Bae? Seriously? Wendy EXPLAINED this to you.

Into the water he goes.

Aaaaand out of the water he comes.

I WONDER WHO SAVED HIM

HEY, I KNOW THAT VOICE

HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY

:D

Aw, Regina <3 Babe, feel better <3

Aaaaaaand Greg and Tamara are planning to blow Storybrooke off the map.

Meh. Worst villains ever.

PEW PEW PEW PEW

[magickmoons]

famous!Dean part 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Dean looked up at the sound of the bell -- as he had every time someone had walked in during the half-hour he'd been waiting. He kept reminding himself that he'd gotten there insanely early, but with the arrival of each person who wasn't Cas, he became more and more discouraged. Why had Cas agreed to meet with him? The overly dramatic part of his mind wondered if Cas was planning to stand him up and alert the press -- get some nice pics of jilted Dean Winchester.

But it was Cas -- alone -- this time. Dean's heart pounded double-time as Cas walked over. Holy hell, the picture on the University website came nowhere close to capturing how drop-dead sexy adult Cas was. Dean had worked with some of the best looking Hollywood had to offer -- including at least 2 winners of the Sexiest Man Alive award -- and they didn't hold a candle to Cas, who was now taking his seat, staring at Dean intently.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas ... tiel," he stammered, unsure if the familiar nickname would still be welcome. He nodded at the cup in front of Cas's seat. "I hope you still take it black."

"Thank you," Cas replied stiffly, lifting the cup and taking an experimental sip, fingers playing with the lid when he put it back down.

They sat in silence. Damn it, why had he thought this would be a good idea? Some misguided notion of giving Cas closure wrapped around the selfish hope of forgiveness.

The silence was getting to him and if one of them didn't speak soon, it was going to become fairly insurmountable.

"Cas, um ... Castiel, I --"

"Cas is fine, Dean."

"Okay, cool, yeah ... So, Cas ..."

Cas looked at him expectantly.

"Yeah, that's all I got so far." Dean grimaced sheepishly as Cas laughed.

"Well, we have at least established that we remember each other's names."

Dean tapped his temple. "Like a steel trap."

"Well," Cas started with a deep breath. "How are you?"

"How am I?' Dean repeated incredulously.

Cas shrugged. "I'm really not sure what we're supposed to talk about, Dean."

"Yeah, me neither. I thought this would flow a little better."

Cas frowned at him. "How so?"

"Well, I figured you would come in and just start yelling, we'd get everything out on the table, and go from there."

Cas shook his head. "Yelling is not on the agenda. I don't --"

"You're Dean Winchester!"

They both jumped slightly as a twenty-ish woman appeared next to the table, nearly vibrating with excitement. Dean reluctantly slid in P.R. mode (heaving a dramatic internal sigh at the interruption), wondering if he'd get the chance to figure out what Cas was going to say -- he didn't care? He didn't yell in public? Didn't -- what?

"I sure am!" She flushed scarlet he answered with a bright smile.

"Oh god. I'm so stupid. Of course you know that. It's just... I'm such a big fan. I've seen all your movies."

He chuckled. "I'm sorry about that. There are some real stinkers in that list."

"Oh no. They're always worth it to see you."

"Well, thank you." She was already opening her mouth to say something else, but he really wanted 1) to get back to Cas and 2) to get her away before she recognized Cas. "Hey, you got a phone with you? Want a selfie?"

Cas winced noticeably at her squeal of delight. The photo was quick and done and Dean squeezed her shoulder in farewell. "It was great meeting you."

She looked somewhat disappointed, but took the dismissal gracefully.

"That happen a lot?" Cas asked once the girl was back at her own table, fingers flying over her phone's screen.

Dean shrugged. "Define 'a lot.'" He winced inwardly and tried to tell from Cas's face if that had come off as humble or asshole. Unfortunately, Cas had had years to perfect his stoic expression.

"Is it worth it?"

"Wow, so just skipping right over the small talk, huh?"

Cas raised an eyebrow. "We were failing dismally at "small talk." So... fame -- is it worth it? Everything you thought it would be?"

"It has its good and bad, like anything, I guess. The past few weeks have actually turned out to be pretty awesome. Charlie keeps forwarding me messages from kids thanking me for coming out -- or not hiding from it, I guess really, since coming out wasn't exactly my idea."

A warm smile lit Cas's face. "That's great though. That this whole situation is having a positive impact."

It really was. Dean had expected much more negative fallout -- and of course there was plenty of that -- but for all the studio had worried, the paying public seemed to have very little problem with recent revelations. And the emails and posts from people -- both in the biz and not -- were enough to make Dean wish he had done this years before.

"But generally, I try to keep my life pretty quiet," Dean continued, wincing as Cas's barely restrained look of disbelief.

"Listen, man, what you saw -- that whole thing -- the, the drugs, the parties, the ..."

"Random sex with multiple people?" Cas filled in drily.

"Yeah. That's not part of the package for me anymore."

Cas took a slow breath; his eyes were filled with hurt when he spoke. "I didn't know it was ever supposed to be -- when you talked about going to California, that was never ... it was always about the acting."

Dean wished this were one of his movies so they could skip over the exposition part and just get to Cas either storming out or forgiving him. But no, this was how life had to happen.

"I barely even know where to start. It wasn't like that at first, not until after I signed with Alastair."

"Alastair Halling?" Cas interrupted.

A chill settled over Dean. "How do you know that name, Cas? He didn't .... You didn't ..." Alastair's threats echoed in Dean's head.

Cas spoke slowly, his brow furrowed in thought. "He was the one who made the final arrangements for my trip out there. He contacted me and said you need to see a friendly face from home."

Cas's words didn't make any sense at first. Alastair hadn't given a shit if anyone was happy or comfortable or anything that wasn't of direct use to him.

"Son of a bitch! He set us up."

He felt sick as the entirety of Alastair's plan settled over him, just another in the string of twisted mind games he had played back then.

Cas just looked confused when Dean made himself look at him. "I don't understand. What do you mean 'set us up'?"

Dean nodded to show Cas he'd heard him, trying to sort out his thoughts. He hadn't thought they'd be getting into this territory today. Alastair was a rough subject anytime, but to share it with Cas -- especially now that he knew Alastair's machinations had affected Cas even more directly that he had thought ...

Dean hadn't even realized he was shaking until Cas's hand covered his on the table. He leaned forward with an earnest look. "Dean, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"No, Cas. No. You deserve to know this."

Cas studied him for a minute then sat back with a nod. Dean's hand felt cold and he wrapped it around the now lukewarm cup.

"So, up front -- what I'm going to tell you is not an excuse. No matter what was going on around me, I'm responsible for my own choices -- and I made a whole buncha bad ones those first years. This is just .... explanation, I guess."

"I understand," Cas replied with a soft, encouraging smile.

"When I first went out there -- California -- I was just a kid from Nowheresville, USA, a fact that was driven home pretty quickly. I thought I was ready, but -- this business is really rough. And I wasn't doing as well as I think I kind of let everyone back home believe." He rubbed a hand over his face. "It's silly, but I felt like I'd be letting everyone down if I didn't make it big.

"On top of that, it was so much more expensive than I had anticipated. I blew through my savings almost right away, even living in some little fleabag shithole and working two restaurant jobs. After a couple of months, I was just about ready to head home."

It had been crushingly disappointing to even consider that, but Dean wasn't about to ask his parents for more money and he wasn't going to get involved with any of the fast-money options that abounded in the area (and that all seemed to end with someone naked or bloody).

"I --" Cas started to speak, then quieted.

"What, Cas?"

"I wish I'd known, Dean. I feel like I could've been more supportive."

"Yeah, sometimes I wonder I wonder what would've happened if I'd told you, anyone ... I guess I was just too embarrassed. But you did help, man. I felt so much better every time we talked -- you believed in me so much, and to hear that after another shitty day of not being good enough ...

"Anyway, one of the guys I workshopped with told me about Alastair. He said the guy was like a miracle worker, almost guaranteed to get you a job -- if he liked you. He had a reputation for being really picky. I almost didn't even try; I mean, what was I going to have that he didn't already see dozens of times a week?"

Alastair had been his last attempt. He'd sent off a headshot, requesting a meeting. He had been so convinced that it was another dead end that he'd done zero research on the guy, didn't even ask what happened to Alastair's clients after the initial burst of success.

"I heard back from him almost immediately. We met, and he said he'd take me on -- teach me, 'mold' me." Dean still felt nauseous whenever he remembered the dark look in Alastair's eyes, the raspy sound of his voice. "Nobody else was interested in repping me, so I signed with him. Alastair was effective, yeah, and things just started happening. I got a couple of high profile guest spots, a movie role, every talk show wanted to have me on. It was like someone flipped a switch, and I went from struggling nobody to ultra-hot commodity overnight. None of it was really challenging acting, or even that interesting; I was pretty much just the new 'pretty face.'

"Knowing what I know now, I figure Alastair must've had dirt on at least a third of the casting agents -- not to mention the rest of Hollywood. They hired who he told them to. And those days, he wanted them to hire me."

He looked down to see that he'd bent the little plastic coffee stirrer into an accordion, and tossed it on the table.

"So I was running around non-stop day after day. It started wearing on me, and Alastair was there. He started slowly -- a pick-me-up here or there, something to help me sleep the night before an interview, something to pep me up for a shoot. Then there were a couple of strongly worded requests to show my face at this or that party."

He fell silent. Cas waited, his eyes tight, jaw tense. Dean sipped his coffee while he gathered his thoughts.

"He liked power. He had a whole little harem or entourage or whatever of wannabes that followed him around, did whatever he said, but he needed the guys like me -- success stories -- to keep them hopeful."

The coffee soured in his stomach at the memory of some of the things he'd seen. He'd spent years of therapy dealing with his own actions and how Alastair had impacted him, but the memories of those kids debasing themselves so willingly, so eagerly, while he sat and did nothing -- or worse, enjoyed the results -- still made him physically sick.

"A con man needs to be able to present some results," Cas murmured, "to keep his marks interested and pliable."

"Yeah, but even my success wasn't real. Or at least I hadn't earned it on merit. But none of us knew that then. I'm honestly not sure how many of them would have cared, either." He huffed a dispirited laugh.

"I knew something was wrong -- none of it felt like I'd always imagined, y'know? And the drugs and the sex and the parties, they were so easy to lose myself in, to push back that feeling of wrongness.

"I tried to fight it at first -- putting in appearances and heading out early. After the third time I did that, Alastair called and told me I'd been dropped from consideration for a lead in a series. They'd as much as told me I had the role in the room. But if I wasn't playing his game, I wasn't gonna get the prize. He didn't say it in so many words, but I'm sure he turned them down.

"So I just ... I played ball. And I took the pills he handed me and I threw the parties when he told me to ..."

Dean's throat ached. He looked at Cas, sitting with concern and compassion on his face. "I cheated on you, Cas. It was only ever just sex. I never, ever felt about anyone like I feel about you, but -- God that's even worse. To throw away what we had for something so empty, so superficial. And after that day, I never dreamed I'd get the change to apologize, so..."

He licked suddenly dry lips and and took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry, Cas. You deserved so much better. I would never ask you to forgive me, but please know that I hated that you got hurt. That I was the one who hurt you."

He trailed off, unable to truly express the regret that he felt. Cas's face was nearly blank, his eyes trained on Dean's as he processed his words. Dean bit back the urge to keep explaining, to force Cas to understand. It wasn't enough, Dean knew that; some paltry words could never fix what he had broken, but they were the truth. And if it wasn't enough for Cas, Dean would just find a way to live with it.

Cas drew in a deep breath and leaned forward, taking one of Dean's hands in his own. He shook his head.

"Thank you for the apology. I admit that everything being brought up again after all this time threw me for a loop, but I forgave you a long time ago, Dean."

Dean stared at him, flummoxed. He had betrayed the one person who had meant more to him than anyone outside his family; there had never been anyone since who had been as close to Dean as Cas had been. How was that forgivable?

"We were kids, Dean." Cas smiled gently. "I know we felt so damn grown-up, but I see it every day in my classes. They're 18, 19, even in their twenties, and they think they know everything, that they have it all figured out. But they don't. Nowhere near. And neither did we."

His face hardened as he continued, in contrast to his thumb softly stroking along Dean's wrist. "Add to that what you endured with that Alastair person .... "

"I could've walked away, Cas. I --"

"And we're back to 'you were just a kid.' Yes, you made some bad decisions, things got out of hand," he swallowed, "and people got hurt. But you got out, Dean." Cas smiled widely at him. "Look at you -- even with all that, look at the successes you've had. How did that happen anyway?"

Dean sighed. "It was Sam, actually. He was the real catalyst," he said slowly. It was weird, but even after what he'd done to Cas, what Cas had seen in person, he felt reticent to share the rest of the story with him.

Cas just waited patiently.

"After what happened, what I did ... well, after that night, I kind of threw myself into that whole scene. I just wanted to forget, to not think about it, to prove to myself what an awesome time I was having, that I didn't need you."

It had been a hollow attempt at best, but at least with other people around, he looked like he was having fun.

"It was, I don't know, maybe a year, year and a half later, that Sammy came out for a visit. Nobody had come out before that, except you. I was actually kind of surprised you hadn't told anyone about everything."

"I ... it didn't feel right. Your folks didn't even know I was going then. So, I just told everyone we'd broken up and left it at that. Then I chose a school out of town and ran."

A stab of regret at what could've been left Dean aching to soothe Cas, but he had forfeited that right a long time ago.

"Anyway, Sam came out and well, to put it bluntly, it was a disaster. It all came to a head when I took him to set with me. I was actually stone-cold sober -- he'd been so disapproving of the partying the first couple of days -- I couldn't even get through the scene. Two-eighths of a page and I was ..."

He scoffed, remembering how he'd stumbled over the simple lines, kept missing his mark. Everything had felt so wrong.

"We took five and I found a corner, popped some pills to get my mind straight, and looked up to see Sammy just staring at me. That look in his eyes -- almost the same as yours, and I just..." He blew out a harsh breath. No matter how far he'd come since then, it still crushed him to think how he'd let his little brother down.

"I got through the scene, took Sam out to some shitty diner, and the whole thing just spilled out. I promised him I would stop. I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me, but that was the beginning."

"The beginning?"

"With Alastair -- getting out from under his thumb, I had to move carefully. It wasn't even what he could do to me or my career; he'd threatened to hurt you, or Sammy. By that point, he wasn't even pretending to be doing anything for me. I started looking for another agent, real quietly; started trying to see if I could get enough dirt on him to, I dunno, blackmail him, or have him arrested.

"I met this guy, another agent, named Crowley. Almost as devious as Alastair, but more upfront about it. He was none too happy about Alastair's schemes and already had enough on him to put him away for a long time. He just needed someone to stand up."

"You?" Cas looked equal parts concerned and impressed.

"Yeah," Dean acknowledged. "I figured it was the least I could do. Screw my career, whatever. I'd go back to Lawrence and work as a mechanic if I had to, but this guy needed taking down and no one else was gonna do it."

"That's amazing, Dean. But I never heard about any of this." He flushed as he continued. "And I kind of followed your career kinda closely."

"Yeah, well, you didn't hear about it 'cause the guy had dirt on everyone and no one wanted him talking in open court. He was arrested, indicted, released on bail... and murdered."

Cas opened his mouth, closed it, almost literally biting back the question.

"It wasn't me, Cas. I don't know who it was; the list of people who wanted him dead is a mile long, at least. But that was that.

"With Crowley's help, I got in a very private rehab, got my career back in a direction that I wanted to go. Haven't touched any non-medically prescribed drugs since.

"I thought about reaching out to you to apologize, but I thought it would just be more painful for you. Or maybe I was just too scared."

Cas squeezed his hand.

"So, that's the whole sordid story."

"Thank you for telling me."

Dean shook his head to clear away the baggage and looked around, trying to escape the raw emotion in Cas's eyes. His fan was still sitting at her table, still tapping vigorously at her phone. A friend had joined her -- a friend whose phone was angled suspiciously in their direction.

He kept his gaze moving, finished looking around the small shop and then back to Cas.

"So, not a big deal, but I think that girl is filming us. Don't look!" he added a Cas inevitably started to turn his head.

"Okay, and ... ?" He followed Dean's lead and started tidying up.

"Well, best case, she and her friend just want some candid footage of me for their personal use. Less great would be if they're planning to share it out publicly."

"Is there a worst case here?"

"If they recognized you and are attaching your name to a livestream video."

"Why would they --?"

Dean almost laughed at the confusion on Cas's face. He stood up as he said, "You're news now, Cas. Just another way for me to screw your life up, I guess. We'd better get going any which way."

Cas stood as well and halted Dean with a hand to his shoulder. Dean turned, stepping to the side to make sure he was between the camera and Cas.

"Dean, the past few weeks have been interesting, and sometimes inconvenient, but it hasn't 'screwed up' anything for me."

"If it gets out that we've seen each other again, it's a whole new ballgame, Cas. Let's go."

He let Cas lead the way to the door, trying to keep him as hidden as possible, and wishing he was a big enough man not to be mentally drooling over Cas's ass.

The bell rang as Cas opened the door and stepped through. Dean was close enough on his heels that he nearly slammed his nose into Cas's skull when he stopped abruptly. Dean looked around as Cas murmured, "I guess it was a live feed after all."

"Well, well, if it isn't Dr. Castiel Novak. And who's he with? Oh, it's the famous Dean Winchester."

From the small crowd of fans and photographers stepped the last person Dean wanted to see at that moment.

"Bela."

(now concluded in Part 6)

Author’s Note: So there was a version where this was the last part -- they met, talked, came to some kind of agreement, and end happily ever after. Then the fan had a friend who had a phone, and Bela just couldn’t stay away, and now I’m not entirely sure where it goes next, so.... fingers crossed that inspiration strikes! Also, I need to work on the next part of my AO3 WIP -- that’s been sitting for months :(

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 11 - NYR -  Egg Laid

Madison Square Garden has been a bad place for the Sabres for a few years now but there may be only two meaningful narratives when it comes to Sabres-Rangers. One is that the Rangers have managed one of the quicker rebuilds in the National Hockey League of the salary cap Era. The other is who’s the best NHL team in New York State? Which one of those am I going to waste words on? Which one do you think is most fun? Yeah, we’re the best team in New York State right now! Fight me, I mean it! Next week we play the Islanders and I’ll revive this silly narrative. Josh Allen and the Bills first two games inspired me, what can I say? Back to the best club in this state: the Buffalo Sabres got to play the Rangers at each major moment of last season like a thermometer up your ass. We got em shortly before the ten-game winning streak and for a deflating loss in the New Year. The three games against this New York last year were frustrating. That trend continued tonight. I think they handed us our first real stinker of this season. The losses in Columbus and Anaheim didn’t have this sting or score line so I think this is the big egg laid we were fearing. I’m going to take the Ralph Krueger approach and make shortcomings an opportunity for improvement! As you can imagine in a game Vladimir Sobotka and Marco Scandella were the only goal scorers there were a lot of players not playing to potential or pay grade. I want to throw a fit about this one but that will probably be reduced to a few naughty words here or there. I don’t have enough negative vibes from this 2019-2020 Sabres team to muster a rant. Sorry, rant in the comments. While you’re doing it: like, comment and share this blog. Maybe that will help this be one of very few eggs laid by this New Look Sabres team this season. We can only hope, eh?

The first period was twenty minutes of digging a hole. Rasmus Dahlin and Colin Miller were on a pairing tonight and that is not untried. Tonight however it was completely bow-legged. Both defenseman looked lost and sent passes to places the other was not as if they weren’t even talking. It culminated in Rasmus Dahlin’s worst play as a Sabre. He is transitioning the puck through the neutral zone and back passes it. I want to defend him and say he thought Miller was there, but nobody was there, not even close! Artemi Panarin was there to pick up the puck and streamed right in on Carter Hutton and wrapped around him to get the Rangers the early lead. Now let me tell you: I could write an essay about how this fanbase cannot handle good players. We misjudge them and unduly punish them. We chase them out of town and we elevate average joes to be heroes. Dahlin is going at a point-a-game pace right now, he’s not a blackhole but he has not been fire either. He’s made a lot of poor choice with the puck and been directly responsible for three goals against now through 11 games. This one is the most egregious. That doesn’t mean he needs to go to Rochester for a conditioning stint you unbearable dumbass! Even players with half Dahlin’s talent need to be allowed some leash in their first couple seasons. He’ll be okay. We’re allowed to criticize him, but we also need to be able to let him figure it out. He will figure it out. Hopefully this isn’t a narrative for much more of the season… oh, Brett Howden scored and Dahlin didn’t check the guy who got the puck to him? Uh oh, tonight’s going to be a bloodbath for anyone who uses computers isn’t it. Shit. The Sabres got a powerplay chance to inspire some hope and it got one shot. ONE SHOT! Bad turned to worse in the dying minute of the first period when Ryan Strome scored a redirect to put the Rangers up 3-0. That’s quite a hole by anyone’s measure.

This year’s Sabres are motivated machines. Even staring down 3-0 you’d be forgiven for thinking a comeback was possible. This game was a real bastard because it gave you just the evidence you would need to believe a comeback was possible. Marco Scandella scores a second chance through a forest of blue and red defenders and the score is 3-1. I’m no hater, the Sabres are undefeated in games Scand-ezzy scores in. If he’s knocking pack bangers anything is possible, right? No, you see this was the first game frustration really truly got to the Sabres. They were boxed out of the Ducks game because those assholes cheat, they lost this game because they lost hope. One thing I loved to do for Sabres-Rangers games was make fun of Jimmy Vesey. Now Greasy Vesey is a Sabre and I was one of the foolish few who really felt a goal breakthrough was in order for him tonight. Not only was I wrong, Vesey got a little bump and didn’t return in the third! That’s the kinda game this was. I’ll be honest, I really lost hope when Tony DeAngelo scored. He got a great pass and caught Hutton out of position to put the home team up 4-1. Hutton was making good saves this game, the final result really isn’t on him I don’t think but he probably wants that one back… probably the Panarin goal too but yeah, you need a defense in front of you and that just didn’t show up tonight. It’s worth mentioning that the Rangers are not a good team. Yes, they’re better than their record coming into this game but they’re very young and they’re not exactly clicking yet. The middle period got chippy and what had largely been a neutral ice battle turned into a Rangers rout. But wait, not unless Vladimir Sobotka has something to say about it! Okay so Dahlin and Skinner had a lot to do in that play but our favorite pinata got the final touch so that’s goal for him. Do note Henrik Lundqvist was in net so that goal will look awfully weird when we look back on it. It maybe THE highlight of Sobotka’s season.

I am happy to report the Sabres excuse machine is a little rusty. It hasn’t been worked all that hard this season so far. I was seeing a lot of tweets about the bad ice in MSG. That feels like the poorest of poor excuses. I’m not saying it isn’t based in fact, but it didn’t have a meaningful impact on the game. I heard the refereeing excuse too. Sorry fam, the zebras didn’t decide this game, the powerplay falling silent might have. The third period didn’t have anything worth watching from a Sabres perspective. I don’t really feel the need to be the Sabres optimist after this one. What am I going to say: they outshot the Rangers 33-24! Like what would that be for? This was just a stinker. It was an egg laid. Ryan Strome added another and Chris Kreider added one at the end just for salt’s sake. It will be interesting to see how Ralph Krueger and the coaching staff respond to this. Late in this game you saw him play around with the lines to no avail. After the game Krueger said, “It was a very strange game… we lacked puck management and damaged ourselves”. It will be interesting to see how the players respond to this! How about some words from the room! Marcus Johansson: That was bad. Rasmus Dahlin: I got the puck to far from my body… that’s a learning for me [sic]. Carter Hutton: We gave up a lot of east-west plays… we couldn’t get a whole lot going when we did have the chances. To Hutton’s credit he acknowledged poke checking Panarin wasn’t the best move on that first goal against. They’ve only lost twice before this and in both instances they came back with a vengeance in the following game. They fly to Detroit now for a game tomorrow night that poses a mighty fine chance for a rebound effort. Make that effort. If these guys come out flat against the Detroit Red Wings, a team so certifiably bad this year they’ve sent NHLers down to their farm club, then there will be hell to pay.

If you have an idea for greatest game against let me know. That’s my reoccurring segment with every divisional matchup this 50th Anniversary season. What was the most significant game in Sabres history against the game they’re taking on? Tomorrow night it’s Detroit. If you want to get you mind off this egg take a stroll down Sabres Memory Lane and let me know what you think is the best game against the Red Wings in Buffalo Sabres history. The New York Rangers will take this win as a big boost after a brief losing streak. You know why? The Sabres are good. They prepared for this game thinking they were taking on a tough opponent. They ended up taking on a relatively easy opponent. Small solace, the Sabres are a team opponents prepare for now. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Maybe this isn’t the best time to say this, but I still love Henrik Lundqvist. He needs to choose if winning a Cup is something he wants

[deadcactuswalking]

I’M UPSET - THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

The popular music in America of 2018 was somehow both chaotic and dreary and monotonous as hell at the same time. Constant album bombs and additional rule changes to the charts made the Hot 100 increasingly irrelevant – as if it wasn’t already, and to be honest, I didn’t hate as much of it as I thought I would – in fact, I have since learned to appreciate what little upbeat pop gems we had this year instead of observing it as just a dark, moody year full of mindless egotistical trap-rap... which it definitely was, for the record, I mean, there’s a reason I talk about the UK Top 40 more because the US’ charts seemed a tad painful to keep up with, just going off of exhausted recounts I’ve seen on YouTube and Twitter this whole year. Am I going to preface this with anything more interesting? No, because frankly I don’t think 2018 really deserves it. Let’s just talk about some ground rules.

I am using the predicted year-end top 125 posted in the Pulse Music forum by MikesMusicReviews to determine what a “hit song of 2018” is. Songs that made it into the top 10 during the charting year (December 2017 to November 2018) count as well.

This is the worst list, and it will be posted first. Hopefully I can get the best list out soon, and the list that will count down my picks for the top 5 best and top 5 worst United Kingdom-exclusive hit songs will be out somewhere in the first quarter of the year, I imagine, but don’t expect it too soon.

If this comes out on a Sunday, REVIEWING THE CHARTS will be postponed, obviously.

Finally, this is simply my opinion and I don’t consider myself highly as a music critic. This is just a silly little hobby of mine. Nevertheless, we’re counting down...

THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

Now, let’s get rid of the Dishonourable Mentions first, before getting into the real stinkers, from most bearable to least bearable:

“Pray for Me” – Kendrick Lamar featuring the Weeknd – Actual Billboard Year-End Placement: #40 – Peak: #7

Yeah, I understand why a lot of people like this, and it’s really inoffensive for the most part, but that high-pitched vocalising really gets on my nerves.

“Love Lies” – Khalid and Normani – Year-End: #19 – Peak: #9

This is the worst Khalid song I’ve heard, mostly because the melody is so monotone. I like Normani on here, but ripping off the melody from a Post Malone song that was never good in the first place isn’t exactly the first thing I’d consider for my Love, Simon soundtrack hit.

“Bad at Love” – Halsey – Year-End: #27 – Peak: #5

I’m more forgiving of Halsey than I feel I should be because this one is... confusing, I guess, would be the best word for it? Maybe it’s just her vocals – I’ve never been a fan of how they sound in the first place, and they’re definitely strained on here.

“Beautiful” (remix) – Bazzi featuring Camila Cabello – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #30

Eh. Snoop Dogg and Pharrell did it better about a decade and a half ago.

“King’s Dead” – Kendrick Lamar and Jay Rock featuring Future and James Blake – Year-End: #79 – Peak: #21

This song exists to remind us that our dream collaborations we hope of are probably always going to not live up to our expectations. I love all of these guys separately, but they’re clearly negative influences on each other when they’re in a posse cut like this. If you want a better trap song featuring James Blake, check out Travis Scott’s “STOP TRYING TO BE GOD” with Kid Cudi.

Here are a few songs I have absolutely nothing to say about:

“I’m a Mess” – Bebe Rexha – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #35

“LOVE.” – Kendrick Lamar featuring Zacari – Year-End: #50 – Peak: #11

“Bartier Cardi” – Cardi B featuring 21 Savage – Year-End: #61 – Peak: #14

Here are a few songs I’d rather just avoid commenting on altogether:

“This is America” – Childish Gambino – Year-End: #51 – Peak: #1

“FEFE” – 6ix9ine and Nicki Minaj – Year-End: #31 – Peak: #3

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

“No Brainer” – DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo and Chance the Rapper – Year-End: #73 – Peak: #5

Justin Bieber saves this track, probably because he’s the only feature without some incredibly dumb lyrics.

I blow the brains out of your mind (ooh) / And I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout physically (no) / I’m talkin’ ‘bout mentally – Quavo

Oh, and Chance’s verse is probably his worst, ever, but I am concerned specifically about why this woman is trying to choose between Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and DJ Khaled’s two-year-old son.

“Boo’d Up” and “Trip” – Ella Mai – Year-End: #15 and #92 – Peak: #5 and #11

These are the exact same song and I have the exact same problems – Ella Mai is uninteresting, the chorus is mind-numbing and those 808s are out of place.

“Walk It Talk It” – Migos featuring Drake – Year-End: #43 – Peak: #10

I’m pretty sure this is like five minutes, and that’s not even the longest song I’ll be talking about in this list. Oh, yeah, and say hello to Drake because we’ll be seeing more of him soon.

“Never be the Same” – Camila Cabello – Year-End: #18 – Peak: #6

Really, this is only here because of that one part, but you know what part it is and it is atrocious.

“I Love It” – Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

If this ends up on YANDHI then I think that’ll be the last straw with me in terms of Kanye. Yeah, all the Make America Great Again stuff is fine but if this ends up on YANDHI I am not sure if I can handle the betrayal.

“Roll in Peace” – Kodak Black featuring XXXTENTACION – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #31

You know, I actually really like this beat but Kodak sounds awful as always and X’s verse makes me want to punch a wall.

“All Girls are the Same” – Juice WRLD – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #41

Does this really count as a hit? I mean, I think it does, personally, and the predictions put this high enough, but the song doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page... not saying it deserves it at all.

“The Ringer” – Eminem – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

The phrase “chicken wang” is said twice on this song, and I’m afraid that’s about five times too many.

“Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky and Chris Brown – Year-End: #55 – Peak: #8

I still absolutely despise this song and on my first draft of the list, this was actually in the top four, but I really do not care enough about Lil Dicky to rip into this. Also, Chris Brown was sentenced to jail for six months because he illegally owned a monkey, so I guess I get my justice in the end... although he probably won’t serve a day of that sentence.

“I’m Upset” – Drake – Year-End: #86 – Peak: #7

Man, Drake was so close to having four consecutive songs on this list. Yep, you just read that correctly, in fact:

#10

#10 – “In My Feelings” – Drake 

Produced by TrapMoneyBenny & Blaqnmild – from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #9 – Peak: #1 for ten weeks

#9

#9 – “Nonstop” – Drake 

Produced by Tay Keith – also from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #52 – Peak: #2

#8

#8 – “Yes Indeed” – Lil Baby featuring Drake 

Produced by Wheezy – from the album Harder than Ever – Year-End: #25 – Peak: #6

Listen, I don’t hate Drake at all. In fact, I think he’s very talented as a rapper, and he clearly has a lot of interesting musical visions, although he definitely needs someone like the Weeknd to fully realise them, because nobody was asking for a 90-minute, 25-track long double album from the dude, that landed all of his tracks on the Hot 100, meaning combining his album tracks as well as “Walk It Talk It” and “Yes Indeed” gave him over a quarter of the Hot 100 all to himself, which is just absolutely insane. I will be talking more about the album, and to an extent, “In My Feelings”, on my best list, but for now let’s just explain what’s wrong with these three songs, from least to most interesting, starting with what is technically a Lil Baby track, “Yes Indeed”. Now, who’s Lil Baby? Well, he tells you straight off the bat in his verse:

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m Lil Baby

Yeah. That’s how he ends it too, like that’s supposed to be the impressive final punchline of the verse before it goes into the hook, but it doesn’t work at all because it’s one of the weakest and most pathetic excuses for a punchline or witty line I’ve ever heard in rap. Wait, oh, I’ve misheard it?

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m the baby

Let’s just move on to Drake because I’m sick of this Young Thug clone (who, by the way, deserves way more success than he gets and especially way more than the two clowns that bit his style hard, whilst lacking all of the charisma and interesting characteristics and quirks Thugger had). I saw a comment on r/HipHopHeads that said the line that convinced them Lil Baby was the “real deal” was this line, from the song we’ve got on our list:

Cartier glasses, I won’t even peek at you / Yellow Ferrari like Pikachu

Does that wordplay sound any familiar to you? If it does, well...

My diamonds, they say, “Pikachu”, they say, “Pikachu” / I’m a boss, I walk through the club and just peek at you – Young Thug, “Picacho”

Yup. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Lil Baby and in turn, the quality of this song, then I don’t know what will. Oh, and if you’re wondering about the beat to the song, I can’t tell you much about it because it’s so swamped out with bass that I can barely hear it. I’m pretty sure there’s a flute in there somewhere? I can’t really say, but what I can say is that Drake phoned this in clearly, because while he’s still better than Lil Baby, his verse transitions so abruptly into Baby. I swear, it’s like they made this in 10 minutes – and knowing rappers like Lil Baby, they probably did. Speaking of songs that are essentially just bass, I mean, that’s Tay Keith’s gimmick – he makes those simplistic bassy instrumentals that fuse trap skitters with classic Memphis rap, and he is actually pretty good at it, until you realise all of his beats sound the same, and never really work unless you’ve got the right rapper on it. Case in point, “Nonstop”. The main point of Tay Keith’s beats are that they are fast-paced, evil and menacing, hence they worked incredibly well with 21 Savage on Metro Boomin’s “Don’t Come Out the House”, especially when he brought in the whisper flow... however you cannot tell me with a straight face that Drake ever comes off in the way he intends, especially with this emotionless gangster image he’s playing up this year. Listen, he starts off the song by claiming he’s somehow original and unique for flipping a switch:

Look, I just flipped a switch (flipped, flipped) / I don’t know nobody else who doin’ this

I mean, apparently it’s about flipping from his calm and kind to his aggressive side, but that doesn’t make much sense considering the song before this one on the album is also rather a straight rapping track.

Bodies start to drop, ayy, hit the floor

Listen, man, the only body hitting the floor while you’re around is Jimmy if he accidentally steps out of wheelchair. Oh, and some of this is a subliminal Kanye diss, but their beef is confusing enough anyway, so just watch a Genius video or something, I’d rather focus on right after the verses, a Mack Daddy Ju sample comes in of just one line from one of his songs repeated and that’s apparently a chorus... yeah, no, this is immensely lazy. The only part where Drake tries here is in the second verse, and that’s not because his flow and delivery picks up and becomes Sheck Wes levels of energetic, no, it’s because he makes this corny pun that you know he’s secretly proud of.

Bills so big, I call ‘em Williams, for real

Although, we could have it worse – he could be trying too hard.

TrapMoneyBenny, this s*** got me in my feelings, yeah / Got to be real with it, yeah

The main problem with “In My Feelings” is how much it asks of the listener to take in at once without ever letting itself loose. I really enjoy glitchy and scattered music, and I think Drake and his producers are attempting to make a bounce record that is as all over the place as possible without any consideration for a cohesive melody or hook to grasp onto. It’s not like “Wonderful Christmastime” where the fact that everything is a hook makes the song endearing, but instead, the fact that everything is its own chorus makes it just irritating to listen to. Even when listening to McCartney’s trainwreck of a festive bop, you know what to focus on: that opening echoing synth line and Paul’s pathetically weak vocals. Drake? Well, he’s not sure, so he throws everything at the wall until he finds something that might stick and just runs with it – he finds three of those, and we’ll be deep-diving into what they are.

First of all, the actual chorus – everyone knows it, it’s the focal point of whatever dance challenge was involved in promoting this song. While the song seems to start minimally with a hypnotic piano line, it actually kind of tricks you and instead catapults some record scratches, aggressive vocal samples, a siren sound, 808s and Drake at you, when you’re not ready to appreciate any of it, but then Drake seems to kind of freestyle this kind of repetitive hook that he thinks is really good, but there’s these “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” ad-libs that clutter everything, making the hook not as stable as Drake wants it to be. Remember those later. Drake soon ditches the chorus, instead going for a tension-raising verse where Drake just kind of rambles over a constantly-changing beat that just adds elements whenever they feel like it, before he starts a flow that works... until the hook just comes in again, because it’s the only thing that he can really grasp, before he gets interrupted by City Girls and their chopped-up vocals, which, admittedly, are pretty awesome isolated with just the jackhammer 808s, although then they chop up both the Magnolia Shawty sample that we heard before and the chorus at the same time and it just gets too much to keep up with. What do we focus on? Is Magnolia Shawty responding to Drake? Why is Lil Wayne here? Both of the samples kind of have an unhinged chemistry together but then Drake stops any of that from developing before the song gets too experimental, repeating the intro and letting some bongos come in or something, for no reason, until they fade out and leave just a sample from that Atlanta TV show? And that’s even cut off before it ends!

This song would work if it were an upbeat party jam but it’s just way too dark and quiet for that to work, instead it’s just an onslaught of elements that could potentially make a good song, but they’re so hastily put together that the final product is a mess of unfinished ideas, that somehow stayed at the top spot for ten weeks. Hell, this recount of the song’s events probably made no logical sense or cohesiveness because it’s way too much to reasonably keep up with and is always edging for a climax, like it’s one step closer to the edge and it’s about to break, but it just ends up repeating itself. At least this one’s kind of funny in its incompetence, unlike “Nonstop” which is painfully boring and “Yes Indeed” which is a waste of studio time. I seriously hope Lil Baby goes away next year because he adds nothing to already dystopian wastelands of instrumentals. Now we have spent way too much time talking about Drizzy. Let’s talk about someone else.

I’m just being real, my s*** look--

#7

Now, I see a lot of people bring up how the most popular artists of 2018 were “problematic” and awful people, and I mean, yeah, you’re right, but who cares? There have always been terrible and insensitive people in the music industry, because they’re going to be there in every sector of the industry, naturally. If they come to light, it’s mostly because with the Internet you have easier access than ever to someone’s mistakes, and with that becomes ever-growing popularity which, in all honesty, these people who complain about them are only perpetuating. And with that, I present to you Exhibit A:

N****s iffy, uh, blicky got the stiffy, uh

#7 – “GUMMO” – 6ix9ine 

Produced by Pi’erre Bourne – from the mixtape DAY69 – Year-End: #56 – Peak: #12

I don’t care what anyone says as a rebuttal because I am telling you a fact – the people who hate 6ix9ine are making him popular, you know it and he knows it. Sure, he may be locked up for a long time now, but that doesn’t really take away the 316 million views the video for this got off of some people legitimately enjoying this and a whole lot more of the memes. This kid ate more Skittles than his mum told him too once and starts throwing gang signs while repeating the N-word like it’s the word “the”, and since you guys thought that was funny, awful or disgusting, you are directly giving more attention and hence obviously more profit to a pedophile. It is clearly controversy and outrage that is taking this song to higher levels than just a Froggy Fresh-like situation (who, by the way, never charted this high, or at all), and I wouldn’t be complaining if the song was any good, but it really isn’t.

I’ve liked some of Tekashi’s stuff before, hell, I’ve even tried to defend my fondness towards tracks like “STOOPID” and “KIKA” on my weekly chart review show, but the reason those tracks work is because of how the production backs up 6ix9ine’s screaming or yelling delivery, with his simplistic flows being intensified due to how the instrumentals build up (also they have features to break the monotony). I may not be a fan of “TATI” or even “WAKA” all that much but even in songs like those you can tell he has a grip on this kind of sound and how he can make his aggressive and rough voice more tolerable against less intense but still powerful and propelled production. Since this is early in his career, however, he doesn’t yet understand how you cannot simply scream profanity and violent lyrical content over a Playboi Carti type-beat and call it a day. It doesn’t fit his style at all and I don’t get why at any point he could get this beat from Trippie Redd DM’ing him and think, “yeah, I can just yell over this and the beat will totally correlate!” The beat starts with a pretty hellish intro where 6ix9ine echoes before some gunshots, the classic “SCUM GANG!” catchphrase, and eventually the beat starts, with this high-pitched child sample saying “I’ll see y’all water, suu-woo!” – seriously, why can none of these rappers do an intro well this year? Oh, and the lyrical content is pretty disgusting, in fact, too disgusting for me to really put here, although, can we stop kicking women out of doors?

Man, that’s really all I use her for, then I kick her out the door

We don’t have any evidence to really believe this as parody or exaggeration, and Tekashi says this in a handful of other songs, so it’s safe to assume this is just violent and misogynistic, right? Sigh... Let’s just thank God this dude can’t release music for a while, unless, of course...

You know you like a n****’s Schmoney dance, you gon’ love a n**** when I swerve out – Bobby Schmurda on 6ix9ine’s “STOOPID”

Oh, no. Please, no.

Scum Gang...

#6

Oh, speaking of misogynists, here’s three dudes without a Wikipedia page and their more popular counterparts making a reggaeton song, and let’s naturally try and get rid of the language barrier here, by using a translation, but if I get any details wrong, I apologise, translations are never perfect. I don’t apologise for hating this lazy trash heap of a song though.

#6 - “Te Boté” (remix) – Nio García, Darell and Casper Mágico featuring Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam and Ozuna 

Produced by Young Mvrtino, Kronix Magical and Shorty Complete – Year-End: #81 – Peak: #36

This isn’t the last time you’ll see Latin pop on this list, but it’s definitely the last time you’ll see most of these names in your life because, seriously, who knows or cares about these guys? Ozuna, Nicky Jam and Bad Bunny make sense for the remix, but do you know who Darell is? After I tell you who he is, will you really still know who he is? Anyway, this song is six minutes and fifty-seven seconds of pure hell, although the most irritating part other than the beat is the 10 minutes at the start where every single one of them has to get their adlibs in, including Bad Bunny just spouting utter nonsense out of his mouth whenever possible, right before we get to the devil himself, Ozuna, who always, with no exception (trust me, we’ll get back to him later), sounds like a nasal child with a blocked nose who was told he had to make a reggaeton song in five minutes, so he just came in the booth and whined. We have a few sparse piano notes before the beat (that never really changes throughout all seven minutes, by the way, except for when it briefly drowns itself in reverb and has what sounds like an Audacity phaser effect on it for a few seconds each verse) and Ozuna really kick in. Unlike Trippie Redd’s more dynamic, flip-flopping style, Ozuna sticks to one perfect note and pitch for the whole chorus, honestly putting me on edge whenever he appears.

Hell, everyone gets to perform their own chorus, and you can just tell how much care was put into each performance just from that. Bad Bunny sounds tired but at least he’s putting effort into it. Darell is so bored and quiet that they put people loudly speaking over him in Spanish to help us not fall asleep, Casper the Friendly Ghost is autotuned to the point where he’s beyond human and instead he’s a cyborg whose owner bought the Spanish DLC, Nio Garcio barely exists and Nicky Jam is... actually okay. Yeah, him and Bad Bunny bring out pretty good choruses here, and I kind of appreciate Ozuna’s too, but instead of skipping right to the next song as if the last minute or so of just all six dudes talking and making ad-libs and gun sounds doesn’t exist, shall we look into what the translations of the lyrics have to say?

But I know that I kicked you out

Oh, come on, Ozuna—

I kicked you out of my life, and I kicked you out

So, from what I can gather, Ozuna broke up this woman and is phrasing it like it was a drug addiction and he’s kicking the habit. That’s kind of a cool concept, how is everyone else going to add to this unique story? Will they use different perspectives in the story, like acting as friends of the guy who’s dumping this woman? Ooh, I have an idea – will they all use a different drug to act as their metaphors in each verse? Now, that would be cool, but sadly, of course we’re not getting that. These people probably don’t have enough skill to wrap their arms around a concept anyway, and they wouldn’t care enough to go through with it anyway. Instead of going through all of these dudes individually, let’s just appreciate some lyrical highlights.

Baby, life is a cycle / What doesn’t serve me, I don’t recycle

You are the past and the past never comes back / Go to Hell (whoa), my body doesn’t need you (no)

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you how bitter and melodramatic these dudes are, seriously, they have so much bile for their respective exes that it’s almost a joke. Like, I can’t take anything they say seriously to the point where I start to think it’s satire, but it feels genuine enough, even if they put “to hell you went” in the hook.

Bad Baby’s chorus is so mean, though, it pulls no punches and just insults the girl non-stop.

I kicked you out, I sacked you and let you go, I let you go / I sent you to Hell, I sent you / And I nailed your friend, I nailed her

Jesus... we don’t even know what any of these women do for all seven minutes and the only rapper who really tries to elaborate for more than a vague one-liner is Darrell, surprisingly, who tells us pretty clearly what happened.

With you, putting a condom on is a must / But I posted up in half-court, baby, like Rondo

I understand why there’s such an issue now, because Darrell has accidentally had a baby with this woman and is angry because...? Yeah, actually, why is he angry at her, specifically? He’s the one who didn’t put on any protection; surely you should be showing some respect. What, is Darrell angry that he’s not seeing his kid enough? You know, that’s fine, though, because it shows some kind of primal frustration at the woman, while as the song goes on, you realise that all these recounts are from the same person’s perspective, and they’re irrational before, but eventually, once we get to Nicky Jam’s verse, he’s just reminiscing on the good times and moving on.

I lie if I say I don’t miss it when I touched your skin / I lie if I say I don’t miss it when you called me at dawn

See? Maybe this song isn’t as awful as I thought – I mean it’s unlistenable, but much like “Freaky Friday” at least effort was put into making it interesting lyrically and focusing on storytelling, you know? I actually really like the gradual increase in maturity.

I take the chance of the remix with Ozuna to send you to Hell

...Never mind then.

Ra-ta-ta-ta!

#5

I really love how Young Thug uses his voice. I think he pushes himself to vocal limits whilst somehow sticking to the meter of the trap beat and it always works because he’s just off the beaten track enough for it to be weird and interesting but he never steps his foot outside of the comfort zone because when he experiments, well, he can make some grave mistakes, such as that hilariously awful song that samples “Rocket Man” by Elton John... but guys, what if we had two Young Thugs who didn’t push themselves vocally and don’t have any intriguing quirks, but somehow they got more popular and use the most basic, badly-mixed trap beats to ever be produced?

Run that back, Turbo

#5 – “Drip Too Hard” – Lil Baby and Gunna 

Produced by Turbo – from the album Drip Harder – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #4

I’d say, “Where do I even start with this?” but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a lot to talk about, because there really is not anything I can say that I haven’t said before about Lil Baby, and Gunna is essentially the same person. Listen, every song these dudes make, on their own or on their collaborative mixtape, is just them pathetically flowing, often slightly off-beat, in their monotone and nasal delivery – with Lil Baby often preferring a falsetto over Gunna’s smoother, reverb-drowned voice – without having any interesting lyrics or actually good bars or punchlines. Typically, they don’t even have more than one notably awful lyric per song, so you always know what to expect from both the beat, usually either a simplistic piano melody or dreary guitar strumming under way too much bass and the typical skittering trap percussion, and the performers themselves.

Let me put it this way: this song is about 113 BPM but it feels like it goes half as fast, because of how the beat never changes or has any adjustments worth speaking of, Lil Baby drags on his autotuned bars like curtains in the morning (which is probably a better comparison than this guy could come up with) and Gunna is empty space on the track; seriously, the dude’s white noise except for the one line.

I feel like a child, I got boogers in the face

In fact, the lyrics are dumber but actually some of the most unique these dudes have come up with, although it does seem rather controlling throughout, if that makes any sense. Lil Baby takes that rap persona to the extreme and portrays himself as some nigh-unbeatable force that has everyone and everything doing only what he wishes them to.

Whenever I tell you to come, she comin’

Soon as I come back, she gettin’ slayed

Yeah, he uses very imperative, demanding words when it comes to providing for these women sexually, but he also gives her luxury as if it wasn’t anything to him.

You can get the biggest Chanel bag in the store if you want it

This wouldn’t be anything special if they weren’t so forceful about it in such an otherwise calm and, dare I say, ambient song? It just kind of fits into the background until Lil Baby gets oddly aggressive in his offbeat ramblings, especially in the chorus, where he threatens those who copy his style... oh, come on.

Every other night, another dollar gettin’ made

If you make a dollar every two days, you are in poverty. Oh, and I believe Gunna kind of tries to make some statement about racial issues briefly.

I don’t want your chain, young Gu-wunna not a slave

Dude, you’re wearing like four chains in the video, so I’m not sure if your point is valid here.

TSA harass me, so I took a private plane

Are you trying to say that you take a private plane because you’re being racially profiled by the TSA? I mean, they just perform more thorough checks on people with heavy loads of money and jewellery, is that the punchline? I’m not sure because he clearly uses “harass” to make it appear violent. It might be a stretch, but if there is any attempt at racial commentary here, it fails incredibly, as I’d expect from these two talentless hacks. Hopefully, this duo sinks into complete irrelevancy by 2020. It’s not like they care, as he says himself, they don’t read comments.

Do this all the time, this ain’t no surprise / Every other night, another movie getting made

Blech.

#4

This year (and last year to an extent), a lot of popular artists who made music that wasn’t rap or hip hop “flopped” for lack of a better word – essentially, pop icons failed to gain much chart longevity with either songs or albums in the past few years, making way for newer artists to stack up hits on hits, mostly because of how streaming is more important now than ever. I’ve listened to the full album by one of the former pop icons that fell this year, and I can tell you that most of it is fantastic, albeit perhaps unintentionally. Love songs dedicated to Justin Timberlake’s flannel are just kind of my thing, I guess.

#4 – “Filthy” – Justin Timberlake 

Produced by Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and Danja – from the album Man of the Woods – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #9

So this starts out as a rock song, and it’s kind of awesome, actually. That guitar riff is undeniable and pretty heavy, with Justin Timberlake’s vocals, although way too back in the mix for my liking are fitting, and we get this incredible build-up with the drums continuing to increase in speed and intensity. It’s insane, and we have no idea what will be at the end of it. It’s like a rollercoaster but you’re entirely blindfolded, so you expect a drop but where? When? Instead of the rollercoaster actually going down, however, you’re just pushed off the carriage very lightly and fall onto a cushion.

Yeah, that’s how the squelchy elastic robot-funk “wub-wub” synth bass wobble feels here. They’re so ugly and almost, wrong, if that makes any sense. Like they’re not supposed to sound like that. It reminds me of my own music that I make where I Paulstretch and add echoes to nonsense samples until it sounds disgusting enough, but this is a professional recording and hence, it’s a lazy excuse for making any interesting synth sounds as the main instrumental hook. Oh, yeah, and there’s not enough to really drown it, we just get a few searing siren synths, heavy female breathing and Justin himself, who is pretty awful, as I expected, vocally, because he just kind of talks rhythmically? I can’t call it rapping but it’s definitely not a real melody. The main thing that annoys me about this song is for the last minute and half, it’s a fantastic song. It finally lets itself go insane, as the searing siren synth starts to glitch out, you can barely hear Justin under the pitched-down echoing backing vocals (some of which sound like Eminem, honestly), and the wobble bass kind of dissipates, instead leading with that chopped-up guitar from earlier, before calming down and slowing down, fading out into a strong bass backing up a tropical landscape for uncredited vocalist Jessica Biel to speak over. It’s actually really cool for a brief period of time... but the song’s five minutes.

If you know what’s good...

He repeats this in the rock sections as if it’s leading up to something but it just ends up being an incomplete sentence as it abruptly goes from him screaming that to him “rapping” this line:

Haters gon’ say it’s fake... so real

This means nothing. Haters are going to say Justin Timberlake is fake, so you respond with “So real”. Isn’t that just a non-sequitur? Hell, it’s not even a sentence. Are you missing a “but it is” or “but I am”? Justin, actually, what’s with all the pointless rap references?

I guess I got my swagger back

Yeah, that’s from JAY-Z.

Your friends, my friends, and they ain’t leaving ‘till six in the morning

And that’s from Snoop Dogg, clearly. Is Justin trying to appeal to the modern teenage crowd who are into hip-hop by mentioning... old rap songs from aging rappers who are having an equally hard time trying to stay relevant? Man, and I thought Timbaland could help you, hell, he’s been working with Ski Mask the Slump God recently. Yeah, sorry, I love a lot of Justin’s other stuff and even Man of the Woods appealed to me in an odd way, but this is just a clunky, dated mess. That last 90 seconds should have been released as the lead single, even though it wouldn’t have been played on the radio – not like this was, anyway, and I’m glad it just came and went.

Look closer, through the trees. Do you see it?

#3

Now, let’s get into the true stinkers, the top three worst hit songs of one of the most dreadful years in pop music history I’ve ever experienced. All three of these songs are borderline unlistenable, so I might as well introduce them all at once, but, no, let’s go in on them one-by-one, starting with the last trap song that’ll end up on this list, and it’s by a guy who I’ve actually loved a lot of material from this year. You’ll see him twice or more on my best list, and I think he is a really talented singer and songwriter, with a knack for really catchy melodies, but... man, this song really fell apart, didn’t it?

#3 – “I Fall Apart” – Post Malone 

Produced by Illangelo – from the album Stoney – Year-End: #39 – Peak: #16

I like Post Malone, I really do, but when he’s at his worst, he is unbearable, especially because of how grating his voice can be when he warbles whilst drowned in both autotune and the immense reverb that he decides to use, in fact, I’m pretty sure all of his songs are 70% reverb effects – and lucky me, this song is basically just him moaning for painful stretches of time drowned in reverb, because that’s the chorus. It starts with multi-tracked Post Malones crooning the title before a slight piano comes in that is only there for seemingly no reason before the actual verse and guitar comes in, where Post Malone just kind of yells over a heavy acoustic guitar lick, with “yeah” ad-libs that make me think my headphones are broken with how far they are back into the mix. All the lyrics are just pure melodrama, but the pre-chorus where he’s “taking these shots like Novacane” show my main problem with the song. It tries to be an intense, heartbroken track, but it’s too quirky to work like that.

His diction is pretty bad, so he’s mostly strangely mumbling his shouted lines in a way that makes it able to hear but also painful because of his high-pitched, obviously very immature voice, and then the chorus comes in, with him shouting “oooh, I fall apart” over a way too upbeat drop, with rapid 808s that are deep and cover out any of the trap skitter, making any dark ideas with the drum pattern irrelevant and just completely inaudible, mostly because of the chirpy pitched-up vocal samples being sprayed over Post Malone’s simplistic melody with a reverb-coated delivery that is hard to listen to. Oh, and these light gliding pianos come in for the second verse, and then, we kind of find the main point of the song in that verse:

Feelin’ like I sold my soul / Devil in the form of whore, devil in the form of whore

This song is bipolar, and it’s not as intentional as it initially seems – you see, this primal release right here should be powerful because it is Post Malone at the breaking point, where he gives up trying to reason with himself, disregarding his ex after the break-up as the devil because of how heartbroken he is... it doesn’t work when the song is happy. The instrumental is chirpy and actually just kind of pretty, especially for 2018, with those nice kicks and the piano melody and vocal sample being way too high-pitched and light to really give off any “depressed” or “broken” vibe. It’s just an unfinished instrumental for Post Malone to whine over, and you know what, that could have been beautiful, but since we have no reason to believe this bipolar song structure is on purpose other than the bridge (which, admittedly, is actually pretty cool, but not enough to completely retcon my theory), we’re just here to observe Post Malone being a bit of a jerk towards someone we don’t know anything about. Like “Te Boté”, all we know is that they broke up and we’re supposed to feel sorry for the man. Yet “I Fall Apart” had kegs full of potential, and that outro with the swirling chiptune-like synth really should have been happening throughout the song, as that’s where the intentional juxtaposition is evident. Otherwise, it just sounds really unpleasant, but, hey, at least Post Malone isn’t that much of an awful human being. Sure, he’s said some stuff that turned me off him at first in a couple interviews, but overall he doesn’t seem too bad...

#2

Disclaimer – Some more sensitive topics will be touched on in this segment. If you feel like you will not be okay reading about you-know-who and his abuse charges, skip to #1 – skim-read if you wish, but definitely do not click the page I have linked in my explanation of why I do not like this song.

Okay, now, listen, I know people have been awful in the music industry before and I brought this up while talking about “GUMMO”. There have always been untalented, racist, sexist, problematic and insensitive people in any industry and there have been for decades, and they are now just becoming common knowledge because of how easy it is to spread information nowadays. I know I sound like an old crony saying that, but that’s how I feel looking at charts when I see names like Quando Rondo, Flipp Dinero and Calboy show up on the bottom half, like, who the hell are these people and why are they blowing up now? Well they’re all trap-rappers, of course, and they’re using the innovative musical platform laid down by people like 2 Chainz, Future and Travis Scott, and later SoundCloud rappers like Lil Uzi Vert, to finally get their time in the limelight, but they’re watering down that genre to the point where I believe we have reached “peak trap” and slowly with people like Playboi Carti I think we’re moving into an era of post-trap due to the oversaturation. I remember way back in 2016 when this dude first charted with this nonsensical title and I searched him up and found out he was, uh, well...

#2 – “changes” – XXXTENTACION 

Produced by John Cunningham – from the album ? – Year-End: #94 – Peak: #18

Yeah, okay, well, first of all, rest in peace to Jahseh Onfroy, okay, I was never a fan of him or his music but nobody showing potential and talent deserves to die that early, alright? Now that all that is out of the way, let’s talk about the song itself, which makes my blood boil. “changes” has a lot in common with a Bad Bunny track, “Amorfoda”, mostly in the fact that it’s just four piano notes being repeated and that’s the beat. There’s no drums, there’s no guitar, it’s just that and briefly some strings. “Amorfoda” is even more minimalistic as it’s just simply piano and Bad Bunny (as well as his ad-libs). On the track, Bad Bunny’s lyrics are oddly poetic, and his performance is constantly changing with his flow and delivery never really staying in one place throughout the one pretty long verse. This is helpful as it keeps the track interesting, as otherwise it’s just a barebones piano ballad with an above average vocalist singing a mumbled hook and an excruciatingly long, unintelligible verse. “changes” is just that, except there’s no verse... there’s just a bridge, which is one line repeated six times. The hook is four lines long, the beat is only two notes this time around, the one addition to the droning immature vocals from X and PnB Rock’s boring crooning is some weak, barely noticeable fake strings. Piano ballads work when there’s legitimate power, and the closest we get to that is X and PnB’s harmonised humming that still would have sounded better if you got Kid Cudi to do it. Seriously, if you ever need someone to hum on your song, get this dude.

So, we’ve established it’s cheap, lazy and pointless, as well as mind-numbingly repetitive. There’s only five lines that are repeated for all two minutes and two seconds. The song concept is clearly there but they have no idea how or where to run with it so they just keep on saying the lyrics they have for a while and release it as a lead single (without PnB Rock credited, I may add). If you’re wondering if I’m downplaying the song and there’s more to it, no, don’t kid yourself. It’s both of these dudes moaning over piano that X probably didn’t even play. Now, what about those five lines?

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this / You’re changing, I can’t stand it

Can I have a “get out of talking about a dead man’s domestic abuse charges free” card, please? Okay, so, let’s not pretend he wasn’t an abuser, he admitted to “F’ing her up” in an audio recording that Pitchfork discovered, as well as, you know, stabbing nine people, as you do. This song is about how Geneva, his ex, is making it hard for HIM despite him being the one beating her. X doesn’t understand why Geneva is changing opinions and attitudes towards him after he injured her to the point where she needs a GoFundMe for surgery (pictures of her eye are out there!) whilst carrying a child, and he has the gall to play a victim complex, and of course it works on his gullible young fanbase.

My heart can’t take this damage

“My heart can’t take this damage”? Miss me with that sadboi poetry nonsense. Ugh. Let’s move on before I pop a blood vessel.

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this

Good riddance.

#1

“changes” was my definite choice for #1 for a long time. If you recall when it showed up on the UK Top 40, I quite literally didn’t review it at all, and got someone else who loved the song to talk about it, in both respect for XXXTENTACION as he recently passed away at the time and to not spoil my list. At the end of the year, though, a song was released and I came to a conclusion: I can listen to “changes”. It is lazy, aggravating, has irritating lyrics and sounds unfinished... but I can hear it all the way through and not be all too bothered by it. Same goes for “In My Feelings” and “Freaky Friday”, they’re not long and they’re interesting enough, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re any good, and the reason why songs like “Te Boté”, “Drip Too Hard” or “Filthy” didn’t top this list is because there are parts I actually really appreciate in that song, and if anything I can laugh at it, even if they’re too long and they’re pathetic excuses for popular music. My #1 barely counts. It was in the top 40, sure, but at the tail-end of the year, and if anything, this is premature as it’s probably going to make 2019’s year-end list, but screw it, I have to get this out now. The worst hit song of 2018 is “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake featuring vocals from Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez.

#1 – “Taki Taki” – DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez 

Produced by DJ Snake – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #11

Now, “changes” makes my blood boil but really, at a musical standpoint, it’s competent enough. They’re on beat, both dudes can kind of sing, and the instrumental is inoffensive. “Taki Taki” is thre minutes and 36 seconds of absolute torture. We start with that hellish flute loop, which fades in at the start of the song and doesn’t change for the rest of the whole song, staying in the background for the track constantly, only getting pitched up in the chorus or “drop”, for added annoyance. The flute loop itself is painful and I don’t think I can really describe how much it gets on my nerves in words. It sounds like a rabbit with cavities playing a recorder, if you can picture that horrible image. Oh, and remember Ozuna? Well, he’s worse here. Not only does he sound like he recorded his own audio in his kitchen, but his nasal voice is aggravating. Something about the way he says fricatives makes me want to strangle a dolphin – which is fitting because that’s what he sounds like when he repeats the hook, “Taki Taki, rumba!” If you’re wondering what “Taki Taki” is, it means nothing. It means absolutely nothing. It is a nonsense word, but it does rhyme with several other words that Ozuna pronounces awfully, such as... well...

Booty explota como Nagasaki

The booty blows up like Nagasaki. Dude, how did this get through the executives? It reminds me of a Hoodrich Pablo Juan mixtape I heard where in the second track he just spurts out that broke people are gay or something and I question how the hell everyone in his label and heard that and thought, “yeah, that’s okay”. I know it’s Gucci Mane’s label in that case, so they don’t care, but this “Taki Taki” song was a major-label release by four of the biggest mega-stars in their own respective genres. How did this insensitive yet actually kind of hilariously awful reference to the 1945 Nagasaki atomic bombings slip through the cracks, man? Maybe it’s because Ozuna makes any person with sense’s skin crawl, so they just skipped his part. That’s reasonable – and understandable, I mean, I would to.

Hi Music Hi Flow

What’s with the producer tag for the dude who didn’t produce the song, Ozuna? What is the point of tagging this onto the drop? Oh, and Cardi B’s on here, and don’t get me wrong, I like Cardi but she is so non-descript on here.

I said, we should have a date / “Where?” At the Lamborghini store

How is this in any way a clever or unique punchline? This is just filler, and I don’t blame her – hell, I like Cardi for her delivery too but she’s not even that loud or energetic here so she needs something to back it up and, yeah, she just doesn’t. Someone on Twitter brought to my attention that it interpolates another Cardi B and Ozuna song, “La Modelo”, which is much better and leaves absolutely no reason to willingly listen to the song.

Oh, and in typical “Taki Taki” fashion, Cardi’s awfully mixed. What a surprise. It just sounds like Cardi DM’d DJ Snake a video of her rapping the verse with her kid Kulture crying in the background, so he took the audio from that and put it in Audacity’s “Noise Remover” function in order to remove the crying, making there a lot of awkwardly mixed moments that just sound like amateur hour, which DJ Snake shouldn’t be able to replicate at his level of stature and fame... but Selena Gomez’s verse? Oh, honey...

Careful when you come through my way

Is Selena Gomez trying to be intimidating? Because, uh, no. It’s not working, and never will.

My body-ody know how to play

Ugh, I’m not a fan of stuttering or repeating syllables to fill the meter, especially when they’re weak lines like this. It just feels so lazy, and Selena does it more than worse in her short verse.

And I-I-I know you need a taste

Oh, and why does she self-censor these three lines?

When I (OOH), you’re fallin’ in love / Give a little (OOH-OOH), get it well done / Dancing on my (OOH), make your girl want to run

Does Selena Gomez need to keep a squeaky-clean image? She had a video last year where she sensually chowed down on some lipstick, while a song called “Fetish” played. She can’t go back to the innocent Disney image after that, like, come on. If we cancel that out, then why isn’t Cardi censored? She gets away with saying stuff like this:

My piggy bank is hungry, my n****, you need to feed it / If the text ain’t freaky, I don’t wanna read it / And just to let you know, this punani is undefeated, ayy

Yet there’s not much that could really fit there. I figured the first bit was “shake my hips” or something, but does it have to be the same amount of syllables as the “ooh” that replaces it? If so, then that means the second “ooh” line is just nonsensical, unless it’s “hump-bump” or “bump-grind” because Selena Gomez wanted to reference R. Kelly or something. “When I...” What? Trip? Dance? Slip – as in slip off the panties? I don’t know, but seemingly none of these options seem worthy of even censoring, so I think we can call this lazy songwriting instead.

The “subtle” integrations of Spanish throughout her verse are pitiful, by the way.

Porque I am the party, yo soy fiesta / Blow out your candles, then have a siesta / They can try, pero no-one can stop me

I did barely a month of GCSE Spanish and I could write better Spanish bars than this. Also, what’s that last one?

They can try, pero no-one can stop me

Who’s stopping you from partying... or being the party, actually, as you specify?

I am the party, yo soy fiesta

If you’re wondering what “yo soy fiesta” means, it’s just essentially “I am the party” again. Yeah, if you don’t have a good line that rhymes, just give up and say it in Spanish. The worst line is easily the last one, though.

What my Taki Taki wants, yeah, my Taki Taki gets, uh

So, does this explain what “Taki Taki” is? Is it lust? Selena Gomez is supposedly so hot that she can get whatever her instinct is... that’s actually kind of a cool concept, so why is he said completely out of context in the chorus? Does it mean “My instinct is to dance” when they say “Taki Taki, rumba!”? “Rumba” is a dance, so it’s safe to assume that, right? Why are they making a reggaeton song feel like English comprehension? To be fair, however, Selena’s chorus does its job and is actually pretty decent, but then Ozuna comes in to ruin it all anyway, so who cares?

The reason this is above every song on this list is because it reeks of incompetence and is probably the song here that just sounds the worst all throughout its runtime, and all of this nonsense happens over a grating, neverending shrill flute loop, and, yeah, that pretty much explains why this song is the worst hit song this year, at least in my opinion. Hopefully that best list is coming soon, but for now, thank you for reading my incessant rambles about pop music and I’ll see you tomorrow on REVIEWING THE CHARTS. Bye!

Hi Music Hi Flow / Taki Taki / Taki Taki

deadcactuswalking

[entergamingxp]

Murder by Numbers review – a witty, winning combo of puzzler and visual novel • Eurogamer.net

Honor’s having a bad day and now there’s a giant stiletto embedded in the side of a drag bar.

I’ll concede that the guy squished beneath the back wheels of the Pride float is probably having a worse day. But given Honor’s lost her job, her showrunner pal, an award ceremony and been at the scene for not one but two recent murders – all under the shadow of a not-so-amicable divorce and a very, very irritating mother, may I add – I think she might be running a close second.

Murder by Numbers review

Developer: Mediatonic

Publisher: The Irregular Corporation

Platform: Reviewed on Switch

Availability: Out now on PC and Switch

We’ve been called to the location by a friend of ours, K.C. Before we were fired, K.C. tended our hair and makeup on the set of our hit show Murder Miss Terri where we played second-fiddle to bolshy Becky in the titular role. But rather than calling the police on spotting what’s left of the dude squished beneath the wheels of the festival float, K.C. decided to drag us into it; you know, because poor Honor hasn’t been through enough.

The reason he’s called us? Well, it seems Honor has absorbed some of the detecting talents she aped on her TV show. Following bungled investigations bookended with the sneers of the grousing detective assigned to investigate these mysterious deaths, it turns out we’re better equipped than most to survey the scene and gather evidence, chiefly thanks to our new robot pal SCOUT, a damaged but super-friendly robot who sought us out to solve the mystery of his missing memory. He too mistook our TV persona for a real-life investigator, the silly thing.

I didn’t even notice the corpse the first time Honor arrived at the scene at the drag bar. I didn’t properly notice them at the preceding ones, either. Murder by Numbers’ backdrops are unapologetically bright and busy, stuffed with colour and detail so your gaze is forever dancing across them, eyes bouncing from corner to corner as you take in the bold, colourful environments and the expressive motions of the cast. There’s no gore per se, but this means the few macabre touches – the handprints squeezed into a neck; the scarlet drops peppering a temple – stand out all the more, much to my delight.

The cast itself is equally diverse and colourful. I’m still not sure what to make of K.C. and Fran, the latter being drag queen bar owner, for while there are plenty of welcomed, positive messages about acceptance and LGBT issues here, a lot of it is tied up in teeth-clenching cliches and “thank STREISAND you weren’t there”s, which tempers the positivity a little. There’s also a not-so-subtle thread about power and emotional abuse woven throughout Honor’s tale, too, so be warned; it’s not just murder and mayhem you have to brace yourself for.

You’ll progress through Honor’s story in a number of ways; point-and-clicking for clues, flicking through the scenes of a visual novel, and by solving nonograms. The former’s simple enough, as is the central theme – characters chatter, you choose what to say in response; nothing you haven’t seen before – but I’ll level with you here: the latter is… well, it’s weird, right?

You see, SCOUT does exactly what he says on the tin; he scouts around for clues, using a scanner that might once have been cutting edge but is decidedly dated now. On discovering clues, you need to help him decipher the 8-bit-esque images of them by solving a series of puzzles – nonograms – that require you to fill in, or leave blank, cells on a grid.

Their days are numbered.

I’ll be honest; this prospect did not excite me. Sure, I’ve dabbled with a bit of Brain Training like the rest of us, but mathematical puzzles are not something I typically look for in gameplay at the end of the day, particularly as the conceit itself feels hammered into an otherwise unornamented visual novel.

I will be from here on in, though.

Though the name Murder by Numbers intimates a dusty experience that’ll kill you via relentless maths revision, these puzzles are exquisitely balanced and arrive right on time to break up the visual novel monotony. While a little overwhelming at first, there’s a great tutorial that’ll get you up and running sooner than you might expect, plus an easy mode for those who want the story with a less intellectually-taxing experience. The further you progress the more complex the puzzles will be, but you’ll likely learn – like I did – that even with eleventy-gazillion 1-1-1-1-1-1 combinations and not much else to go on, the silhouette of the image will help guide you when all else fails.

This isn’t necessarily best enjoyed on the handheld console, mind. The bigger the puzzles get the more there is to squeeze into the minimal real estate of the Switch’s screen on which I was playing, which means I often ended up giving up my (otherwise thoroughly enjoyable) portable sessions as my poor, bleary-eyes couldn’t clearly make out the numbers peppering the sides any more.

Navigating the nonograms isn’t without incident, either; the reticle is a wild, unwieldy thing, often flicking over the wrong cell. Even though it happens with both the controller and joy-cons, I’ll admit in normal play this isn’t too much of a problem, but it’s an absolute stinker in the timed sequences. Losing the round because you’re not fast/clever enough is one thing; losing it because the reticle slips around the screen like a greased fish is quite another.

But I’m being picky. I came into Murder by Numbers not really knowing what the hell to expect, and I leave it as an ardent admirer. Hato Moa’s – the creator of Hatoful Boyfriend – cast is masterfully brought to life with their (mostly!) relatable personas and credible dialogue, and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney composer Masakazu Sugimori always seems to know precisely when to slow things down with a well-placed jazzy tune or pep us up with a liberal dusting of 90s J-Pop.

Despite its dark themes, Murder by Numbers is a wholly original treat and a complete bargain at that – I hope it surprises you for all the same wonderful reasons, too.

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/03/murder-by-numbers-review-a-witty-winning-combo-of-puzzler-and-visual-novel-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=murder-by-numbers-review-a-witty-winning-combo-of-puzzler-and-visual-novel-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net