#We still tell their stories and remember their names

[alexrogers-kazansky]

Bucky presents him in a random day, saying that he is his husband ("he is steve barnes" "hi, i'm steve barnes") and he needs to stay in the Watchtower for a few weeks because their house is renovating.

This is how i think each one finds out and the order:

Bob looks like someone who has insomnia problems, so, a night he goes to the living room and sits on the sofa. Thirty minutes or so later, Steve goes downstairs (he is thirsty) and sees Bob there and worries about him because he's a damn mother hen. He sits next to Bob and the two of them talk until at one point Bob is leaning on Steve's shoulder almost dozing off while Steve is telling one of the many stories with the Howlies ("and then we were in Austria without much food, in the middle of the forest and in winter" "hmmm"). The two continue, neither of them telling anyone Steve tells Bucky because they share every second of their lives with each other. Four nights later, reading an article that pays homage to the 107th Infantry (Fourth of July or something), Bob realizes where he knows the names of the stories that Steve tells.

Alexei finds out in the example above, but it was during a clean-up in the living room (he doesn't look like someone who would mind the noises). He was watching a soccer match on TV, excitedly letting popcorn kernels fall to the floor and carrying on a one-sided conversation with Steve about the game. Suddenly, he felt himself getting lighter and a few seconds later the sofa rocked and made a slight noise as it came into contact with the floor. It was as if something clicked in his head. After that Alexei stands still and is careful not to let any kernels of popcorn fall, intimidated.

Yelena and Ava discover together. It's morning, they're in the kitchen talking to Steve who's cooking breakfast. Yelena isn't quite awake, with her hand resting on the side of her face, so the conversation is just between Steve and Ava. She interrupts the conversation when her eyes find Bucky's worn copy of The Hobbit on the kitchen island and comments: "What an old thing, why doesn't he just throw it away?"

Steve stops what he's doing to look where Yelena is looking and laughs when he sees the book "I think it has more sentimental value than anything, there are even some words that are illegible" *picks up the book and runs his fingers over the faded cover with sudden nostalgia* "I bought this book for him, you know?"

Ava stops and stares at Steve, half-doubting, half-disbelieving, half-shocked that she hadn't noticed before (she's had this conversation with Bucky before so it was easy to connect the pieces), but Yelena doesn't understand (she's sleepy) so she replies: "Oh yeah?". Steve nods and gestures to the living room, handing the book to Ava: "Put it on the shelf, please? Thank you - yes, that was me. I bought it right at the launch, stood in line for hours and almost froze, and had one or two asthma attacks, I don't remember exactly. I thank God to this day for the serum that freed me from that damn disease."

Yelena frowns "Asthma? How...?" Ava, still holding the book in her hand, stares at her deeply as if trying to send a telepathic message. The thought takes a full minute and is visible on Yelena's face. She stares at Steve as if he were a completely different person.

John grew up with images of Captain America, as a child he replayed over and over again the commercials and movies Steve made, he became a military man because of this guy, he accepted the post of Captain America because of this guy. So when he and Steve are arguing about who's going to carry the packages to their floor (they've gone to buy furniture or food) and John wins the argument, he freezes when Steve turns, winks at him and says: "Okay, go ahead, Johnny" in that voice he always heard in those movies and commercials and accompanied by that brilliant smile from the various advertisements.

i just love the idea of steve casually being in the tower with the new avengers team but nobody really recognizes him/pays attention until he lifts the fridge without strain while he's vacuuming or something

[wayfaringtenno]

Imagine

Main Hex + Others (I neglected the new hex members, I need to fix that)! Imagine a void disturbance enveloping Höllvania. Now both Drifter AND Operator exist in the mall at the same time. Aoi thinks they're just a kid and instantly tries to cheer them up and distract them from the "odd storm outside", just to be gently corrected by Drifter. "Aoi.. this is the me that got saved. This is the kid me... yet they're just as old as me." Amir of course, gets HYPED at meeting the Operator. Railjacks, Orbiters, Amps, ORDIS! He has so many questions for the Operator... including if he can meet Ordis himself. Eleanor has to help quiet his mind before he gets overexcited. Quincey takes one look at the Operator's outfit and decides right there and then, they need a new one. Their look doesn't seem practical for Höllvania, so if they're gonna be here for a bit, they need a new look. Lettie, being the medic she is, instantly wants to look over the Operator's overall health. With what the Drifter has been through, she can't imagine it was any easier for the Operator. ...and she was right. "HOW LONG did you say you were kept in stasis?! " Drifter had to find a way to save their other self. Now if the Operator had any Scomatic Markings, Lettie would be very gentle of checking them. Eleannor... she couldn't help but peer into their mind. What she saw, made her protective of the Operator. This "Alad V" person the Operator knows has made it to the top 5 of her shit list. Arthur is very impressed by the Operators knowledge of things... and then he realizes they were basically a near immortal child solider in a war they can't even remember. Hearing more about the Orokin from the Operator just makes him want to protect his team, including the Drifter and now the Operator as well, a lot more. Now the Hex saw the Operator did not come here alone... this Warframe named "Umbra" followed them and seem to be alive and very VERY protective of the Operator. Umbra watched the Hex's every move, but a few encouraging nods from the Drifter made him ease up. Umbra sees something in Arthur... something he once saw in himself. A silent understanding forms between the two. Now then... Velimir just sees the Operator and instantly goes into Dad mode, making sure the kid is alright. He looks between the Drifter and Operator, and asks if the Operator is the Drifter's younger sibling... only to be confused and worried when Drifter says "No, they were the me that was saved. I am the one who was not. We are the same person, just from different times. At some point, he was just telling the Operator stories of his adventures, just to see them asleep on his shoulder... he looks at if we was about to cry from joy, he misses when Neci did this and now he just decides to adopt the Operator as his other kid, Neci has a sibling now, wait how does he tell Minerva this oh dear Sol and sweet Lua what is he to do? Minerva hears all of this, and decides to treat the Operator with the respect they are due, but still can't help but to be more gentle about it. After all, if Drifter would want to help Neci... the Operator may help to. After all, the Operator has a strong connection to the Void too. The more allies, the better. She is very impressed on how the Operator can handle weapons. She of course sees Before Flare and even blink, Lizzie purrs with delight at seeing the operator! "Ahh! Both demons here! Both sugars so sweetly together!" Needless to say Flare is already welcoming of the Operator. They invite the operator to help with some music, wanting to hear what kind of song the Operator holds in their heart. Whoever this "Narmer" is... Flare bets that they won't last much longer if the Operator keeps that fire in their heart. Now for Kaya, having someone else look close to her age is already a breath of fresh air. Honestly... the Operator is kind of glad seeing someone close to looking their age too. Kaya manages to get the Operator to act a bit like a kid again with the pranks the two pull together.. sometimes they get Amir to help too.

[luli-lads]

*Takes deep breath* Okay.

- Predictions and analysis of the 4 new chapters -

(If you're reading this in the future, this was made before the chapters were actually released, because I have brainrot)

"Death and Rebirth"

Just like we have "Under Deepspace", "Long-Awaited Revelry", "Prologue to Tomorrow" and "Homecoming Wings", this is going to be the name of the new main story, which will contain 4 chapters, and I'm guessing each of them will have 9-10 episodes of actual story, with some battles sprinkled in.

1 - Absurdity Unfolds

The Gaia Research Center is where Josephine worked as a researcher, and where MC (and Caleb) were being experimented on as kids.

If you remember, ruins of research centers were in the N109 Zone, so although we have no confirmation of this specific one, this is probably a Sylus chapter.

I'm guessing MC is trying to uncover more of her past, and that's why she decides to sneak into this 'laser-surrounded' place. I wonder if we'll get info about Caleb as well.

As for the 'Zoion Hunt'... Hmm... I wonder if that has to do with the little cube we saw Sylus and MC holding in the trailer. It seems to be some sort of game. Perhaps the people chasing them are trying to win the game too by snatching the cube from them, or perhaps they're guards who took notice of MC's breaking into the research center.

The last part, about the arena, seems to connect directly to the next chapter, as we can see by the next picture (it looks like a futuristic football field lol).

2 - All From Deepspace

Now, I'm not sure what's up with the arena itself. So I'm gonna leave that in the air and let y'all speculate.

Let's just focus on the text itself.

MC successfully gets into the lab where they experimented on her, and either finds records of what happened there, or has flashbacks about it. That's where the quote at the bottom comes in.

I'm also thinking that the car chase sequence might be at the end of this chapter instead, once she has gathered all the info she needs and has to escape from the Ever guards, she calls Sylus to come pick her up.

As for the thing that Sylus destroys... There's no confirmation from the voiceline itself that it's the cube (sometimes they mix voicelines and scenes that don't correspond) but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure he destroyed it because it had a tracking device or something like that. And MC gets mad because she thinks he destroyed it for no reason, and wanted to take it back to Unicorns to analyze it. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT IDK

3 - Cosmic Speck

Immediately the fact that there's snow already tells us that this is a Zayne chapter. I'm guessing this happens a day or two after the previous two chapters, not immediately after.

And. Btw. 'Unsettling figures lurk in the darkness', that's about Dawnbreaker. If they were just talking about those 'Alterum' they wouldn't mention them in the next sentence, or they wouldn't use that first sentence. It's a nudge towards Dawnbreaker + the Alterum at the same time.

I'm really worried though. Because, you remember when Zayne's branch was announced and we saw him wearing Dawnbreaker's clothes so we assumed it was him, and then it wasn't...? I'm worried they'll pull the same stunt and it won't actually be Dawnbreaker.

So if it is... How did he get here? Or how did we go there? They're talking about Linkon City, not about Chansia, so... It means he came here... But how...?

About the Alterum, they seem to be people that are being taken by Protocore Syndrome, but not quite yet turned into Wanderers. Still, kinda monstrous, maybe? (Half-Wanderers, just between you and me)

The fountain of Atei is Ever's ultimate project. About reaching immortality. As for how the Alterum and the project are connected... The greater number of Alterum probably mean more people that Ever has used as test subjects, which means they're getting closer to their goal if they're using more resources on their experiments.

As for the plot in this chapter exactly... I'm not sure about the sequence of events. It seems like it's gonna take place around the city, helping/killing Alterum with Zayne/DB. Maybe that'll lead him and MC to break into another research center...? ...Xander? (Which leads us to the next chapter)

4 - Snow Fades at Dawn

Yet again nudging us with that chapter title huh.

Just like I said in the previous chapter, more Protocore Syndrome, more subjects, more Alterum, etc.

But it also adds something new. It seems like some of these patients, before they even turn into Alterum, are choosing to be treated by Xander Sciences using their Life Pods (I'm assuming that's what the 'cocoon' part is referring to, since yknow Ever owns Xander), to try and stop the illness, but by doing so they become willing test subjects (and maybe that's when, if the experiments fail, they turn into Alterum).

I'm also wondering if Ever is manipulating the Protocore Syndrome odds so more people will turn to them...

And then that last line. I can assure you with 100% certainty that it's said by Carter. Remember he wanted MC as a patient to test on her, but she kept refusing.

Hmm... I wonder if the situation is that he manages to trap MC and gives an evil monologue, says that, and then Zayne comes to save her? Perhaps that's when the whole trailer scene happens. Hmmm.

Final thoughts

I'm gonna be honest, I don't know if Sylus and Zayne are actually going to appear in chapters 1 and 3, but I'm 100% sure of their presence in chapters 2 and 4. (Not together. You know what I mean. Sylus in 2 and Zayne in 4)

I'm really hyped for this update, and some things it may bring: Hints about 6th LI, possibly more 3D models for important characters (Carter pls pls pls pls), Zayne and Sylus interaction if we dare dream (no way lmao), etc etc...

What do y'all think?

[porcelainbirdss]

my december love

summary: Mydei was the sun that peeks out from the clouds after a particularly heavy thunderstorm. she was the air you breathed in. she was everything. when someone asked you: "how did you two met?", all you could reply with was: "funny story. actually, i think i know her from the past life."

in other words: you and Mydei become roommates — this leads to a chain of events neither of you saw coming.

cw: fem!reader, fem!Mydei, fluff, angst, modern au, and they were roommates!, mentions of alcohol consumption, both of them are emotionally suppressed, yearning, like a lot of it, mutual pining, jealousy, reader is somewhat obsessive, dependency, slight hurt/comfort, good ending. || wc: 12k

it has been one year since you decided to share an apartment with Mydei. due to how expensive the costs were, you posted a simple question, asking whether someone would like to live with you. after all, you were a college student, and the state of your bank account was… well, rather questionable.

some people reached out to you, and you conversed with them for a while, getting to know them, and explaining the potential boundaries you’d have to set. unfortunately, no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself they were good candidates, the doubts still continued to linger in the back of your head. no one seemed good enough (and you were not picky — you actually could think of yourself as an extrovert).

you almost gave up on your search, until she came into picture.

you remember reaching for your phone upon hearing the notification sound, a short: "i’m interested.” appearing on the screen. you clicked on the message, cocking one eyebrow up at the rather sparse greeting. then, you decided to check that person out — and, as it turns out, she was hot.

unbearably so, if you may be so bold. your heart hammered when you pressed on her profile, seeing her icon photo on full display. that girl — you even forgot to see what she was called — was absolutely beautiful. blonde locks with faded red encompassed her sharp features, golden eyes so piercing, you felt as if they would bore through your phone’s screen, and split you in half. to only add to your tragic crush at the first sight, she looked rather muscular. and had tattoos.

does it get any better than that?

still, no matter how stunning she was, you had to get to know her. obviously, you could blindly agree — hell, you could provide for her if she asked you to! — but you had a part of your wits with you, and so, you should do better than that.

in response, you quickly typed out a simple: "great! :)) the apartment cost is 1,200 monthly. tell me if that’s alright with you?"

you remember waiting anxiously, hoping for a fast answer. oh, you didn’t even know her, and she already had you tied around her finger.

when five minutes passed, and you didn’t get any messages back, you slumped into your bed with a groan of defeat, cursing your own mind. then, a loud 'ping!' reverberated through the space, and you practically launched yourself at your phone with a dumb grin sprawled across your face.

it read: "that is fine with me.", huh, she’s formal, isn’t she?, "we can also split the cost of groceries, if you’d like."

you gasped in triumph at the conversation, giggling to yourself like a teenage girl. only then you thought to actually see what that mysterious person’s name was — Mydeimos. you repeated it out loud, and thought you liked the way it sounded on your tongue.

"that would be awesome! should we meet up and talk over the details?” you wrote, internally hoping Mydeimos would agree. you have never offered any of the potential candidates for your roommate to met before — alas, you wished to see that breathtaking face in person.

all you received in response was a thumb-up emoji.

well. could have been worse.

after that, you pretty much hit it off… at least that’s what you like to think. you couldn’t get much out of the girl during your first meeting — she acted the same way as she typed her messages. a little stern. somewhat frigid. but at the same time, it was obvious to you she was immensely patient, and kind, and you failed to spot any evident red flags.

not to mention, her profile picture hardly represented just how prepossessing she truly was. there were a few times where you had to ask Mydeimos to repeat herself, because as you ogled her, all you could hear was an incoherent: "blah, blah, blah."

ultimately, you talked some more through your phone, and decided to move in together. you can recall that day so vividly, as you practically trembled from excitement.

you stood in the middle of your still somewhat empty apartment, observing as Mydei carried in the last of boxes, filled with her stuff. she allowed you to help her with dragging in the majority of her things, sending you a polite smile as you earnestly offered to give her a hand. this one, however, she insisted to carry herself.

"c’mon, you must be tired from walking up and down," you chuckled, even though the girl didn’t seem affected at all, "give me that, i’ll put it in your room."

Mydei cocked one eyebrow up at you, settling the box down with a huff. "and you’re not? you’ve been running around like a headless chicken."

you laughed abashedly, waving your hand at her comment. it is true you were acting a little absurd, but you had no bad intentions! all you wanted to do was to appease your new roommate. you didn’t perceive it as any trouble, since you managed to move all of your stuff the day prior, and were still bustling with energy.

you shuffled your feet towards the box, inspecting it, and finally deciding to pick it up. it didn’t budge. you groaned in surprise, sending Mydei a perplexed look. "what the hell?"

"told you.” she shrugged nonchalantly, wiping her sweaty forehead. even though it was already september, the weather remained hot. "don’t try moving it, else you’ll hurt your back.”

you nodded stiffly, watching her walk towards the open kitchen space, and pour water into two glasses. couldn’t she just refill one? "okay…” you murmured, swiftly prying the box open to look at its contents. at least six dumbbells, two of them having a combined weight of 130 pounds — and she carried it up the stairs?!

with a gasp, you straightened out, your back almost bumping into Mydei. you swiveled on your foot, the sight of her perplexed face being the first thing to greet you. "uh, i—"

"here you go." she said, extending the glass towards your way. you blinked twice, because you were absolutely sure she’d scold you for rummaging through her things. so she poured that water for you, it would seem. huh…

you sent her a weak smirk, taking a generous sip. "thanks. to be honest, i’m spent.”

Mydei sighed at your words, stepping towards her empty room. "well, i’ve still got some things to take care of, but you go ahead and take a break.”

instead of plopping down on the couch, you followed in tow, stopping in front of your own personal space (which you were extremely proud of). "wanna see my room?”

the girl paused her walk. “what for?”

"oh, come on, we’re living together now! you have to know how your house looks like!” you beckoned in an upbeat tone of voice, opening the door.

upon seeing it, Mydei’s eyebrows narrowed in a frown, a certain mixture of disdain and perplexity growing on her face. you gulped.

"do you… do you seriously need this many plushies and fairy lights?”

“what, you don’t like it?” you huffed, knowing the clash of your personalities would come sooner or later — but honestly, you wished for it to never arrive.

she shook her head, schooling her look into something less judgmental upon your dejected eyes. "that’s not what i meant, [name]. it’s cute. suits you well.” she responded, though there wasn’t much conviction in her voice.

"…thanks.”

you decided to leave it at that, moping around in your bedroom instead of helping Mydei. the nightfall came, and you were starting to miss your family, filling up with doubts and various anxieties. perhaps you were a little sad — okay, more than sad! you felt like wallowing in your despair, pressing one of your childhood toys close to your chest — that is, until you heard a knock.

"can i come in?" called the familiar voice, causing your head to snap up.

you instantly sat, throwing the stuffie away, afraid of what Mydei could possibly think of you if she were to see you in such miserable state. "sure."

the door cracked open, a crown of blond hair peeking through. she walked in, checking you out as you sent her a tight smile. "are you okay? you haven’t left your room for the whole day.”

"totally!” you lied, of course.

she didn’t point out how stiff you were, her line of vision instead landing on the discarded plushie, now hopelessly sprawled out on the floor. she picked it up, a bit tentatively, and gently placed it on your bed. you wanted to burn from embarrassment. "i just finished setting up my room. do you want to see?" the girl offered, her tone flat but kind all the same.

you practically sprung from your sitting position, like a wind-up toy. "yeah, i’d love to!”

both of you strolled into Mydei’s space — and, to be fair, you don’t know what you were expecting, but surely not this.

well, the dumbbells along with a skipping rope and a rolled mat in the corner seemed in-character, though the rest completely contrasted with the girl you knew. first off all, her bed — a pale-pink duvet draped over its surface. then, the posters hanging above, one depicting a cutesy boysband you were unfamiliar with, and the second showing some rather hardcore metal band.

your eyes flied around, locking on the desk — a stack of cooking books on its side, topped with a dictionary of sorts. an orange cat figurine. a couple of music records on display. a mousepad — again, in pink color.

"and you made fun of my room!” you exclaimed, swiveling your head to face Mydei.

she frowned at you. “i said it was cute!”

"but you looked like you were seconds away from puking!”

the girl paused, blinking twice. "…can’t deny that.”

you sighed, shaking your head — alas, you could never take any real offense from Mydei. she may as well spit on your shoes right there, and you’d thank her, because who are you to tell what this goddess of a woman can and cannot do?

——

september fourteenth.

the second year of your college life rolled around, and you couldn’t yet discern whether you were absolutely despaired, or happy.

happy, because you got to finally see Mydei. the girl wasn’t from this city, so she left during summer vacations, leaving you alone with the few feeble friendships you managed to establish during the first year. you often called her, talking for hours on end, catching up and whatnot — but it simply couldn’t replace the sound of her quiet laughter by your ear, or how sweetly she smiled at you when you offered to help her out with maths.

i am doomed, you thought one day while you were lazing around on your bed, fanning your face as waves of hotness hit your body. sure, you were crushing on her since the start, but honestly, it was pretty shallow back then. the only thing you were infatuated with were her good looks. you failed to take Mydei’s lovely personality into consideration, or see how interesting of a person she truly was.

right now, you were absolutely certain your dumb crush was treading into a dangerous direction — and, well, you only hoped Mydei didn’t catch on your hopeless behavior towards her. still, it may have been pretty obvious when she stood in the doorframe with a singular suitcase, and you practically broke down in front of her, wailing at how badly you wanted her to stay.

well. that was embarrassing.

anyway, no matter how joyous you were at your final reunion with the girl, there were some problems too. the main cause of your troubles, right now, was the overload of stress and work piling up on your shoulders.

even though college started barely two weeks ago, you were already drowning in unfinished projects and deadlines, crushed under its weight. sometimes you felt as if you didn’t have the time to even catch a breath.

Mydei managed just fine. she stuck to her routine, waking up everyday at exactly 5 AM to go on a run, shower, prepare you both breakfast (because she was kind enough to make you food — it started once you praised her cooking so highly, her whole face burned up in a vermillion), head out to the campus, and come back. then, she’d go to the gym while you were still groaning over your textbooks, and come home at a rather late hour, but still having enough time to study.

you didn’t know how Mydei was doing that. sometimes you genuinely thought she was some kind of a super-woman, because there was no way someone possessed this much energy and self discipline. it only made you feel worse about yourself.

right now, you were hunched by the dining table, a multitude of books displayed on its surface as you tried gathering your thoughts.

no matter how hard you attempted to focus, everything seemed to bother you. birds singing outside the window, people from above your floor stomping loudly, Mydei accidentally dropping her fork—

"could you be quiet?” you snapped, your eyes flickering over to the girl who was currently sitting by the other end of the table, eating the late dinner you refused (which you did begrudgingly, alas, you didn’t have the time to even think about food).

her eyebrows narrowed at the harsh tone of your voice, and only then you actually regretted raising it. "you don’t have to scream at me, i can hear you clearly.” she retorted, digging the fork into a piece of beef. it scraped over the plate, evoking another uncomfortable sound.

"i’m trying to focus.”

“then go focus somewhere else.”

you huffed. “it’s my home, and i can focus wherever i want!”

Mydei already opened her mouth to take a bite, but paused, her sharp irises sending you a glare. “it is my home too, and we are in the kitchen, so i didn’t think you’d mind me eating here.”

you kept silent, trying to reciprocate the unpleasant look she was giving you, even if you couldn’t harden your eyes around the corners. you felt tired. utterly tired, and you just managed to anger Mydei by your stupid outburst. does it get any worse than that?

"i’m sorry…” you finally muttered, your gaze falling back onto your notebooks. what else were you supposed to say? you’ve never fought with her before — could it even be considered a fight? more like a bitter bicker, but still. your breath trembled, and you felt awful.

the girl continued to eat more quietly now, and once she was done, she slowly got up from the chair, as if afraid of startling you further. once Mydei put the dish away in the sink, she leaned over you, her hand suddenly squeezing your shoulder.

you looked at her with question in your eyes, gripping your pen a bit too hard. "i’m sorry too.”

now you were almost baffled. why was she apologizing over your own spillage of ugly emotions? "no, Mydei, it’s alright. it is me who yelled at you.” you quickly forced out, straightening in your seat.

she shook her head, and you swear you could melt on the spot from the mere look on her face. "it’s alright. shit happens.” she spoke, letting go of your shoulder — you wholeheartedly believed the conversation to end here, but then the girl reached for your tousled hair, swiping it to the side. "i can order some takeout for you. i could cook, but… i don’t want to make any more noise.”

you had to stop your jaw from slacking into the floor, completely stunned by her display of understanding. Mydei wasn’t like you — she was patient, and had this calming effect on people, no matter how intimidating she may have appeared. you were jealous.

not jealous of her, specifically — but of the people she considered her best friends. the ones who could taste her kindness on a deeper level, those who knew her for longer than you.

you didn’t know what connected you. sometimes your relation resembled a tug of war, with her pulling at the rope, and making you stumble with the sheer impact of her benevolent actions. you liked her. you liked her so badly it hurt in every single fiber of your body, and yet, you couldn’t do anything about it.

there were moments that got you questioning her sexual orientation, but she never mentioned having a girlfriend, or anything of the sort. how could you know if she was like that? what would you do if one day your resolve broke in half, and you confessed your feelings, only to be turned down with a few of dismayed words? she’d hate you, surely.

maybe you’re mistaking her acts of kindness for something deeper — maybe your friendship was nothing more but a shallow bond, created between two people who strived to survive in this unforgiving life of a college student.

perhaps, all the times you shared your woes, and all the secrets you spilled to each other weren’t as meaningful as you thought. you must be delusional, no?

"[name]?”

you jumped up in your seat, brutally snapped out of your morose reveries. "uh— what?”

Mydei sighed, taking a singular step back. "i asked if you want a takeout.”

you chuckled awkwardly at your own disorientation, scratching the nape of your neck. "sure, i don’t see why not.”

the girl nodded, reaching for the phone in her back pocket, and quickly dialing the number of your favorite restaurant. you observed her walk around the kitchen in circles, finally leaning her hip against the counter as someone decided to mercifully pick up.

she recited your usuals by heart, and then hung up, turning to look at your slightly dazed expression. "why’re you looking at me like that?” she questioned, her eyebrows knitting together.

oh. you were staring.

"like what?”

Mydei huffed, tossing her blonde locks over her shoulder. "never mind. try to focus for now, and i’ll let you know when the food comes." she declared, touching your chair’s backrest before walking towards her room.

when the girl left, you groaned to yourself, embarrassed at how many times she caught you practically consuming her with your eyes. you denied every time she pointed it out, though deep down, you knew you were lying. if you closed your eyelids for long enough, the visage of Mydei’s face always appeared in your mind, seemingly engraved there for good.

——

october thirty-first.

life got easier now, and you managed to fall back into the rhythm of studying, and juggling between the chores of everyday life. you and Mydei helped each other out as much as possible, taking on some tasks when one of you was too tired, or just generally remaining supportive.

and it was going great. perfect, even, if not for your brilliant idea of going to a costume party. well, it was the hallows’ eve, and since you were a big fan of all spooky things, you just had to go. halloween lasted for only one day, and so, you practically begged Mydei to accompany you.

at first, she didn’t agree. then, as you pressed some more, she started to question what she could even dress herself as — you proceeded to list all the ideas off the top of your head, but neither satisfied the girl. a werewolf? too weird. a zombie? what are we, in the middle of the walking dead casting? a mummy — no way, she won’t deal with all the toilet paper. a witch? absolutely no. an angel? too generic. a devil? also too generic. a cat-woman? that earner an exasperated snicker.

well, Mydei ended up going with you, but she wasn’t dressed as anything. you, on the other hand, decided to wear a vampire’s costume. okay, maybe costume was an exaggeration — you simply searched your wardrobe for some black and red garments, and smothered the corners of your lips with an intense lipstick, which was supposed to imitate blood.

when your roommate saw you, all she did was raise an eyebrow at you, sending you an unimpressed look. you, however, had to contain a gasp of astonishment at just how pretty she looked — usually, Mydei wore sport clothes, nothing overly flashy or anything. this time, the girl adorned herself in something more official-looking, and you couldn’t help but fawn internally at how beautiful she was.

after that, you got to the organizer’s house, immediately greeted by some notorious melody, booming loudly throughout the space.

and you were having fun — really, you were — but at some point you and your friend got separated, busying yourself with different circles of people. you seethed internally on the other side of the room, watching as Mydei talked with some guy. you didn’t know him, but he carried that easygoing smirk on his face, which, truth be told, reminded you of a snake. a vicious viper, waiting patiently for its victim to let their guard down, and sink its teeth deep inside their throat.

he was leaning in way too much, and Mydei didn’t seem exactly bothered by the little proximity between them. she casually sipped on some wine, legs crossed, nodding along to whatever that man was saying.

perhaps what you did was spiteful, but you spoke to some unfamiliar man too. you weren’t flirting with him, or anything, just laughing at his poor jokes, pretending like you actually enjoyed the company.

and then, you got drunk. your heart felt a little too heavy, so you reached for one cup of beer after another, gulping them down irresponsibly. before you knew it, you were practically stumbling over that guy’s side, gesticulating wildly as you told him yet another story of your life — which he didn’t seem to be overly interested in, but still listened with intent.

suddenly, you felt a firm grip on your wrist, squeezing your limb hard enough to pull you out of your drunken stupor. you turned, only to see Mydei, scowling at you as if you at least murdered her whole family.

it was barely after 11 PM, but the girl tugged you out of the party, demanding to go home. you, of course, agreed without much hesitation, telling her to call for a cab.

the whole ride to your place was gravely silent, and you wished to ask what caused her such a deep dismay, but whenever you glanced in her direction, all she did was scoff at you. you decided to keep your mouth shut.

as you finally sat down on your trusty couch, Mydei continued to simmer internally — frown embedded on her sharp features, making her appear even more fierce than usual. you wanted to be scared of her — because that’s what she was aiming for, most likely. unfortunately, your drunkenness only caused you to become even more bold.

"Mydei,” you whined, circling around your roommate as she stood by the kitchen counter, preparing something quick to settle your stomach, "are you mad at me?”

"take a wild guess.” she answered lowly, her movements stiff.

you sighed at her words, looking around the space, as if it was supposed to offer you some miraculous solution. a slightly beat-up radio you thrifted stood on the windowsill, almost beckoning out to you, like a siren’s cry — so you turned it on.

"turn it off, [name].” Mydei muttered, drying her hands after she washed the knife, "i’m not in the mood.”

you swiveled on your foot, your eyebrows narrowing at the girl with determination. "tell me what’s wrong, or i won’t.”

she grumbled under her breath in response, the dismayed sound reminding you of a faraway thunder’s road. "you’re too drunk to even understand.”

a pleasant, slow melody filled the space. you grinned to yourself, grasping Mydei’s hands in yours, and tugging her forwards before giving a gentle twirl. her frown only deepened. "such a nice song, don’t you think?” you hummed happily, pressing your body closer to hers.

what you were doing obviously lacked in any sense or tune. once you sober up, you’ll regret everything you did and said, but…

"just what are you doing?” your friend murmured, still yet to pull away. she looked so stunning from up close. the warm light seeped into her golden irises, making them appear amber-like.

in response, you shrugged, swaying without much elegance, nor finesse. "trying to cheer you up, is all.” you slurred, taking a big breath in. she smelled of cherries.

"then stop it, because it’s obviously not working.”

"why aren’t you pulling away, then?”

that seemed to shut her up temporarily. after a short beat of silence, Mydei spoke again — reluctantly, but that was progress.

"wanna know why i’m angry at you?”

you nodded slowly, trying to showcase you were still able of properly communicating. "yes."

she exhaled, her fingers clutching a bit harder around your joints. "i didn’t like you talking to that guy."

upon hearing it, at first you wanted to burst out into salves of laughter — but then you realized that she wasn’t joking. the girl rarely pulled stunts of such nature on you, always remaining rather serious in her demeanor, so she was obviously telling the truth. she was… she was mad because you latched yourself to some man. well, you did that with this exact purpose, yet at the same time, guilt squeezed at your heart.

you didn’t mean to hurt her feelings — never, ever — but why was she actually irritated by this? it’s not like you had some unspoken rule, saying: do not talk to others.

your slightly hazy eyes scanned her face, and you led her into another twirl, trying to gather your disarrayed thoughts. "why didn’t you like it?”

Mydei scoffed, pointedly looking away from your searching gaze. she bit on her lower lip, obviously consternated. "that’s the worst part of it all. i don’t know.”

you chuckled quietly, thinking you’d be a lunatic if you got your hopes up over something as trivial as this. maybe she just felt lonely, with you pretty much ignoring her existence during the party. "you don’t?”

"no,” she sighed, her softened irises returning to you with defiance, "sometimes you drive me crazy. did you know that, [name]?”

your drunken mind couldn’t fully grasp the weight of those words, and you laughed again, pressing your head towards her neck. "you drive me crazy too.”

Mydei didn’t respond, and her silence urged you to continue. "but don’t worry. i think he was an asshole anyway.”

"that’s good.”

"his costume was shitty.”

"i’ve noticed.”

"do you think mine is shitty too?”

she huffed out an airy snicker, shoulders relaxing. suddenly, your track of the slow dancing got interrupted by your friend’s back meeting with the counter. you didn’t even notice when you led her there. "no. yours is beautiful.”

you giggled at the compliment, nose prodding at the column of her throat. "and do you know what vampires do?” you asked, out of the blue. Mydei shook her head, and that was all it took for you to latch your lips around her neck, giving a bite, careful enough not to break through the skin.

she hissed, but didn’t move. didn’t do anything to actually glue you away from her — you barely sensed her letting go of your palms, moving her hands to your waist. just what the hell were the both of you doing?

"they bite me—" she paused, taking a shaky breath, "i suppose.”

you hummed, pulling away to observe your creation, sprawled across her delicate skin like a purple moth, painted with the vibrant red of your lipstick. it melted into one with the tattoo adorning the girl’s neck. an artistic mayhem, you thought. the mark of your deeply-insatiable covet.

Mydei’s hand reached for the apple of your cheek, cupping it gently. "you’ve smeared makeup all over your chin.” she remarked, an easy smile growing on her lips.

then, as she looked at you through her thick eyelashes, you genuinely believed she was some kind of a vixen, sent down on this earth with the sole purpose of torturing you. an otherworldly being, with eyes of gold, and equally golden heart.

how could you not love those irises, who saw you in every state, and still decided to stick around?

before you thought of taking a step back, the pleasant music long gone, now replaced by the broadcaster’s monotone voice — Mydei’s grip on your face tightened, and you were pulled into a kiss.

your mind short circuited, and you gasped into her mouth with surprise, forgetting how to breathe — how to move your limbs.

the whole world seemed to stop spinning altogether, and the air got unbelievably heavy in your lungs. you’d adore her forever. there was no changing to that.

tears prickled at your eyes uncomfortably, but none fell, and you heaved, allowing Mydei’s consoling touch to support your suddenly lax body. forever, forever. even if you got changed into a bug — you’d find relief under the sole of her shoe.

when you pulled away, your mind instantly sobered up, shaken by how both of your lipsticks smudged, appearing as if you just feasted on some raw flesh. Mydei’s dazed look changed into a perplexed one when she noticed the conflict on your face. you reached to touch your lips, hand trembling.

she must have been playing with you, because there was no way this was real.

"[name], i’m—"

you turned on your heel, quickly walking towards your room without letting the girl finish her sentence. you shut the door, sliding down on the cold floor, and you let out a strangled sob, thinking: gods, why did i do that?

(perhaps it is true that all suffering originated from attachment).

the next day, you both agreed it was a mistake, and promised to never talk about it again.

——

november tenth.

honestly, you expected the atmosphere between you to remain tense, because after that halloween incident, neither of you were able of looking each other’s in the eye. fortunately, the situation managed to ease down a little, and you fell back into the usual tempo.

even if you were a bit afraid of touching Mydei, thinking she’d misunderstand you, and decide to move out.

even if Mydei sent longing looks your way every so often, clearing her throat awkwardly when you caught her staring.

well. never mind that.

three days ago, you got caught up in rain, and now you were absolutely sick, sprawled out on your bed with a febrile condition. it was tiring you out beyond all senses, and as you coughed and whined in pain, Mydei was constantly by your side.

at first, you insisted she doesn’t need to worry about you, but the girl dismissed you sternly. it is only logical she’d have her way — after all, she was quite stubborn.

you wouldn’t describe her as exactly rebellious — because she never outwardly displayed such traits — but she surely was. always treading her own path, making her own decisions, concluding what was the best for her.

you remember when some time ago, a topic of your families came up. you briefly joked about your siblings and parents, laughing how terribly they must miss you. Mydei smiled along to your words, saying she wished to have such a loving family too. you felt a bit consternated then, so obviously, you asked her what was up.

she then proceeded to casually explain how her father almost forced her to become the next CEO of his big-ass company — with the most deadpan expression on her face, mind you!

you were stunned into silence, because, most importantly — she must have been dirty rich, but still acted like a humble civilian, dressing in normal clothes instead of those lavish ones you could only dream of whenever you went shopping. certainly, you noticed Mydei’s jewelry looked rather expensive, but when you inquired where she got it from, she always responded with an unsure shrug. one time, you checked her necklace out, remembering the brand’s name (which sounded pretty luxurious). you closed your browser as quickly as you opened it, baffled by the first 20.000 dollars on the display.

yeah. there was no way you could afford it.

another thing — Mydei spoke of her father as if he was a mere pest. the disdain filling her eyes didn’t fail to slip past your notice, and you felt almost guilty for even touching upon the topic.

so, summing up, the girl was certainly rebellious. and now, she denied your protests, coming in and out of your room with new portions of soup or medication.

the frown on Mydei’s face only deepened as she took a brief glance at the thermometer, her sharp eyes narrowing with such perturbation, almost as if the inanimate object managed to offend her personally. you giggled weakly at the girl’s expression, trying not to showcase just how awful you felt.

"don’t laugh, it’s not funny.” she murmured, standing up, and starting to shake the thermometer, allowing the mercury to seep down.

you sighed, closing your eyes. your whole face seemed to be set on fire. "do i have a fever…?”

your friend clicked her tongue, setting the thing aside. "yeah, and a very serious one at that. are you sure you don’t want me to call for the doctor?”

oh gods, anything but a doctor!

"no, no. i’ll be fine.” you quickly responded, trembling at the mere thought of having some stranger loom over your exhausted frame instead of Mydei.

you cracked one of your eyelids open, gazing at the girl. she could serve as a good physician, you thought — and she really looked like one too. hair tied back into a ponytail, stern expression, and those reading glasses she had to wear, because the letters on some meds were too small.

she glanced at the clock before turning on her heel, and walking out. "soup time.” she announced, and you groaned under your breath.

yeah, this so called 'soup time' occurred every three hours, and you had to sit up on your bed, sipping on chicken broth Mydei seemed to be cooking up in a bottomless cauldron.

in addition, you felt guilty. you were troubling her to no end, no matter if it was her own decision to take care of you. she even skipped her gym time! how awful is that?

still. no one was forcing her to look after you. she did that out of her own volition. your heart clenched, and you couldn’t help but daydream about how nice it would be if her tender acts towards you were motivated by something more than friendship. again, you were acting delusional, but at least you had your febrile condition as an excuse.

the familiar footsteps resonated through the space, and your vision locked on Mydei, now seated by your bed with another bowl of that soup you were already sick of. "sit, [name].” she spoke calmly, waiting for you to scramble up.

you attempted to heave yourself up, but the strain in your muscles caused another cramp. those painkillers didn’t work at all, did they? "i can’t…!” you whined, perhaps a bit overdramatic.

Mydei rolled her eyes, setting the dish aside, and pulling you upwards as if you were featherlight. you blinked, flustered. "now, go and eat. you’ll feel better.”

since she was so generous, you decided to see how far her benevolence could stretch. "i don’t have the strength to eat by myself.” you concluded, spreading your arms helplessly.

your roommate looked at you like you had at least a few screw loose — and then she breathed in defeat, reaching for the bowl. "alright, if you wanna act like a baby,” the spoon prodded at your lips, "open up.”

"but it’s too hot—" your complain got interrupted by the soup practically pushed into your mouth once you spoke. you gasped, feeling at the uncomfortable temperature running down your throat, and settling somewhere in your chest. it felt like molten lava. Mydei probably didn’t estimate it as any sort of problem, because the girl often ate hot food. how crazy do you have to be to drink freshly-brewed tea while it’s still scalding?

before more protests fell from your lips, another spoon found its way towards them. you almost wanted to say: alright, never mind, i’ll eat on my own, but obviously, you didn’t. how could you refuse when all of your yearnings came true? Mydei is feeding you, eyes soft, even though her lips remain pressed into a thin line. if it turns out you died, and somehow found yourself in heaven, you wouldn’t be surprised.

once you were done eating, you took some more painkillers, and went to shower. of course, when you were taking far too long, Mydei felt inclined to knock at the door, asking if you were alive. she was really worried about you, huh?

then, both of you got busy with yourselves, and after a longer while of tossing and turning, you fell asleep.

your dreams were usually nice, however the fever seemed to mess with your brain even in the state of rest — your childhood dog, prancing around your legs happily. you were in your garden, tossing the stick for it to catch. instead of coming back to you, the dog burst through the line of poplars, disappearing from your view. you panicked, chasing after the pet, and calling out to it.

you’d probably continue sprinting (in slow-motion, to your dismay) through the labyrinths of trees, if not for the familiar voice coming from behind your back. you turned, dazed, the visage of Mydei in her hallows’ eve outfit reaching you, your dog obediently sat by her feet. she held him on a leash. you exhaled in relief, coming up to them.

and then, she gave you a shove to your shoulder. you gasped, jolting awake — only to see the same face, now looming over you, shaking your arm in the same manner. "gosh, finally awake.” she murmured, and you felt a pang of hotness spread over you.

ugh, you could barely open your eyes — your head pounded, sweat sticking to your forehead and back. "what…?” you forced out, trying to regain focus.

"i just came to check up on you.” the girl stated in a quiet tone, and only then you sensed the thermometer sticking out from under your armpit. your hazed gaze flied over the room, taking notice of a refilled jug of water, and another portion of ibuprofenum.

you didn’t respond, keeping your vision locked on her. Mydei sighed morosely, and you meant to ask what time is it, but her hand pressed by your temple, cutting you off. her touch was gentler than usually. "you’re burning up again… oh well, i suppose that’s normal during the night.” she commented meekly, taking the thermometer. "as i thought.”

you gave a silent hum, rolling on your back. "is it late?”

"half past one. i didn’t mean to wake you, but you seemed distressed so…”

"that’s alright. thanks.”

she smiled at you. "were you having a nightmare?”

"no, not really…” you chuckled weakly, running a palm over your weary eyes, "you were there. so it wasn’t a nightmare.”

your friend nodded once, the corners of her lips itching even further upwards. "good.” she tapped the bedside table, redirecting your attention, "take the meds. and if that doesn’t help, we’ll drive to after-hours medical service."

obviously, you didn’t want to go there, so you obediently took the pills, wincing at the unpleasant taste. "and why’re you awake, huh?” you thought to ask, seeing she was still dressed in her casual clothes.

"i couldn’t sleep.” was all the girl said, though you felt as if there was more to it.

looking at the concern on her face, and how generally stressed she seemed, you came to a simple conclusion — you are the reason for her sleeplessness. if that wasn’t the case, she surely wouldn’t be hovering in your room in the middle of the night.

how can anybody be this pure?

"Mydei,” you started, your eyelids too heavy to keep open now, "you’re my favorite person, did you know that?”

you failed to spot her reaction — all you heard was a quiet huff of neither laughter or dismay, and then she left. maybe it’s for the better.

——

november twenty-ninth.

things between you got weird.

well, not exactly weird, but it definitely wasn’t normal either. you fell into a routine especially tailored for each of you; studying together, doing your makeup, watching movies every friday and saturday evening (while inconspicuously leaning into your sides).

earlier on, whenever you broke down over your studies, Mydei would briefly ask you if everything was alright, quickly escaping the room with an awkward expression. now, she wiped your own tears, allowing you to wail into her shoulder, and offering to help you (even if she had a big workload on her shoulders as well).

you, on the other hand, possessed this habit of pointedly ignoring her outbursts when the girl’s father called, insisting she comes back home. her eyebrows always narrowed in such a glare, you were afraid you’d accidentally get intertwined into her flury of nerves. however now, you ensured consolation, listening to her vent the frustrations out.

Mydei show you her favorite music, and laughed when you sang along to that overplayed song you’d both listen to in the morning. she taught you history, and you allowed her to rant about all the events and wars. you learnt from her how to make those incredible dishes — and she never lost her patience, even if you weren’t the perfect cook.

you got closer, and closer. your terrible crush grew so much until it wasn’t a crush anymore, and now you couldn’t function properly with it.

there was this one time when you decided to snoop through Mydei’s phone while she was showering. a shameful act indeed, and you’re disgusted with yourself even now — but at least you got some closure.

first of all — you went into her messages. half of them were some weather alerts, or delivery men saying her package was home. one contact was tilted as "dumbass"…? what kind of name is that? you clicked on it, and saw a candid photo of a grinning girl with ivory locks. before your gut could clench with any jealousy, you read through their texts. the last one was from a month ago, and every single of them went pretty much like this: "what’s up?" — "nothing" — "how are you?" — "good. hbu" — "i’m good too!" — "ok".

well. that’s acceptable enough.

then you headed straight for her gallery. two hundred photos overall — not much in comparison to your ten thousand. one folder filled with screenshots of recipes, another one of some animals, one for friends, and… your heart practically stopped when you saw the inconspicuous name: "with [name]". you pressed on it, only ten photos showing. selfies you took of when you were doing some silly things together, and sent to her. one picture depicting two plates of food you got at some fancy restaurant as a treat with half of your torso in sight. another of when you went to the main square, and a pigeon sat on your head. third one — a selfie the girl took herself, her face close to the camera with you in the background, coddling a stray cat.

the fact Mydei didn’t delete any of the photos you sent her was already a big achievement, but making a separate folder specifically to store them? now that was bewildering. yeah, of course, she had one with her friends too, but it was a general package of their faces. none of them had an unrelated folder — unlike you.

then, you heard the shower turn off, so you quickly locked the phone, and put it back in its previous place.

your emotions were in a state of conflict, because all of this time you believed you were pretty much insane for thinking Mydei perceived you as anything more. your relationship with her was stable, and you could say you were happy with how things were — but at the same time, it wasn’t. after all, you’ve kissed before (and didn’t discuss the act any further), relied on each other more than you probably should, opened up about the most embarrassing secrets you’d never tell anyone. you continuously stared at Mydei — and she stared back at you, not even bothered to hide the fond smile stretching her lips, almost as if beckoning, signifying: "stop being so oblivious, and come to me.”

but neither of you spoke honestly of your feelings, and it was killing you. perhaps you were stubborn, after all, and wouldn’t ever tell how you truly felt. that is, until you got that brilliant idea of trying your luck, and pushing to see where your lack of restraint would get you.

your first attempt was… well, of questionable results. Mydei was making herself some protein shake, back turned towards you as you neared her in steps loud enough to not startle the girl. you carefully hugged her from behind, leaning your chin on her shoulder, and asked what she was doing. your roommate froze, one of her big palms accidentally crushing a handful of wild strawberries. she cursed you out for scaring her — which was weird, because you obviously didn’t sneak up.

you wholeheartedly believed this whole charade was a failure, and you should stop, except your efforts borne some fruition. one day later, you were in the same spot, washing your skillets with incomparable fervor. then, Mydei stood beside you, her hand touching the small of your back — she said something about how you should use less soap, but all you heard was white noise, and the rush of blood running through your ears.

you deemed it as a success (considering that your friend has never initiated such closeness), and now there was a silent agreement between you — where you could finally touch without any fear caused by some prejudice.

but it still doesn’t change the fact it’s not enough.

right now, you were sprawled out on the couch, hanging upside down with your legs hooked over the backrest. you were bored, and tired. yesterday (or rather — today) your upstairs neighbor decided to throw a party. it lasted until 3 AM, and normally you wouldn’t mind, except it was in the middle of a week! at around 1 AM, you sent Mydei to confront them, because she was braver than you. it didn’t take long before their conversation changed into a screaming match and police threats. your roommate already started dialing the number, so you had to forcibly drag her away.

with that, you didn’t get any real sleep. Mydei was running on fumes, considering she managed to fall into rest at around 4 AM, and woke up an hour later. you were no better, with barely three hours of sleep, and eyelids so heavy you thought you might pass out right there.

"i’m bored. entertain me." you murmured, irises focused on the reversed image of the girl. with your current position, she seemed to be hanging from the ceiling, like some kind of a bat.

her hands paused, but she didn’t move her eyes to look up at you from her laptop’s screen. "perhaps you should try reading one of your overdue books."

you snickered. "no way. besides, i like annoying you better.”

it was not entirely true, but you felt like teasing her. sometimes your witty comments or actions led you to places where mere words would never take you.

"well, you’re succeeding.”

you let out a mocking gasp, the corners of your lips stretching even further. "damn, that was almost a compliment."

Mydei smirked faintly, typing a few letters, still yet to look at you. "it really wasn’t."

with a sigh, you rolled over. your head hurt a little from the weird position you took earlier, blood probably coloring your whole face red. it was already pretty late, and if not for the tapping rain along with your friend’s meek shuffling, the whole space would be completely silent.

and then, a thought passed your brain. it was equally crazed as the rest of your ideas, but non-committing enough. you could easily snake your way out, in case Mydei got angry at you. you’d simply chalk it up to a joke, pretending as if you weren’t genuinely truthful.

"tell me… why don’t you ever let go?"

you saw her jaw clench, but she didn’t look up. "what’s that supposed to mean?"

try and guess, is what you itched to say — alas, knowing Mydei, she’d probably offer the most roundabout answer in the world. you couldn’t be thrown off-track now.

"you’re always doing something. working out. cleaning." you paused, taking an unsure breath. "pretending like what we have is normal."

her joints stopped moving again, eyebrows narrowing together. an obvious sign you stepped into a dangerous territory — it often felt like that with her. you’re having fun, and then you can almost sense the lion’s breath on your nape, because you were foolish enough to parade into its liar. "i’m not pretending."

your gut clenched. "uh-huh. sure.”

Mydei finally glanced at you. you were staring at her — really staring. a beat of something silent passed between you, and it pushed you to speak again.

"you know what i mean."

"i don’t think i do." she responded quietly, so unlike her.

"Mydei."

it was painfully easy to spot how her whole body seemed to tense up. "don’t."

you should stop — but you had this weird conviction that if you ceased the conversation now, neither of you would talk about it again. just like it was with that unfortunate kiss.

now it was your eyebrow’s turn to furrow. "why not?"

she exhaled heavily, running her fingers through the blonde locks. they grew so much, the red paint on them barely visible now. maybe you’ll offer to redo her hair once you have the time. "because if i say something—" a pause, "if i say something— then this changes. and i don’t know what happens after that."

you straightened out in your seat, because for whatever reason, you imagined a sharp guillotine hanging above your neck. it surely felt like so. your heart hammered at your ribs, and all the boldness you previously harbored began to crack. "you don’t think it already changed?" you asked in a low tone.

Mydei’s expression was now shaped into this weird mixture of a snarling dog and a dejected fawn. "i just don’t want to mess up whatever we have, alright?" she retorted, suddenly closing her laptop. it clattered so hard you thought she might have accidentally broke it.

"i don’t understand you."

the tug of war. the chains bidding your wrists. the mixed signals. the kennel you were both stuffed into, forced to deal with your own emotions while simultaneously rejecting them.

when your friend didn’t respond, you heaved yourself up, slowly closing the distance between you. you leaned your hip on the table’s edge, an arm’s length separating you now. her golden eyes fixed on you, but they lacked in their usual fierceness — perhaps it was the dim light that caused them to soften around the corners.

she opened her mouth to speak, but you were faster. "what if i told you i think about you all the time?"

Mydei huffed out a dry laugh. "i’d say you’re being dramatic.”

"and you’re deflecting. again."

it wasn’t your place to decide whatever the girl was feeling — but maybe you’ve managed to hit the bullseye, because she seemed to flinch. a sigh escaped her lips, and she looked down, biting on her inner cheek. it took her a while to look back at you. "i just really don’t know how to do this."

"do what?”

her voice was barely audible when she began. what a contrast to how she was yelling at the neighbors during the night. "i don’t know how to not ruin it."

no matter what you felt now — it seemed to instantly dilute with something gentler. and no matter how gentle you were — you felt hungry. "you think i know how? Mydei, i wake up in the morning and i swear you’re the first thought in my head. it’s infuriating. you—"

oh no.

your roommate blinked at you, as if you managed to stunt her with your mere words. "[name]—"

"i didn’t mean to say that." you quickly interrupted, cowardice squeezing at your chest.

(it would be safer to back out now, wouldn’t it?)

"but you did."

"yeah. i guess i did."

what happened then was the last thing you expected, but Mydei reached for your hand. it was a tentative move — you deemed to be already past holding back, but your assessment of the situation might have been wrong. after all, how could she suddenly act natural when you’re both tugging at each other’s heart strings? you swallowed thickly, eyes widening when her fingers interlocked through yours. it wasn’t casual. none of it was. whatever you shared, it long stopped resembling a friendship.

her thumb ran across your knuckles. "i think about you too."

it hurt. how terrible it is that she was so close, but felt so faraway. "then say it."

a pause. "how?"

"say anything, Mydei, say anything and i’ll be—" you practically forced out, leaning into her, eyes desperately searching for any sing of mutual longing. you saw it, and when you were sure you’d fall into her embrace, a notorious sound of knocking interrupted your trail of words.

the girl’s previously softened expression rapidly morphed into a scowl — she got up from the chair, going to open the door. you, in exchange, breathed like you were taking in the oxygen for the first time in your life. you were so close. so damn close.

you kept your eyes fixated on the table’s surface, listening to the lock’s click. "what the hell do you want?” resonated Mydei’s frigid voice, and you thought it’s very unusual for her to greet anyone like that.

with a dim curiosity, you looked back, only to see that neighbor who interrupted your sleep. he seemed so small in comparison to your friend, clenching his hand around a box of chocolates. "i wanted to apologize for—"

she shut the door, not letting him finish. you gaped at her, slightly surprised — but maybe it was one of the better options, considering how tightly her fingers formed into a fist. you observed her stand there idly for three more seconds before turning on her heel, and quickly walking out of the room.

what a pain.

——

december eleventh.

time passed faster than you wanted it to. holidays were nearing, and so you busied yourself with various things. the studying sessions got more intense now, and your search for an appropriate gift for Mydei seemed endless.

one day, you walked into her room, seeing a small bag, colorful paper sticking out from it, and a ribbon glued to the side. you asked her if you could see (because your curiosity peaked at that moment), but she sternly refused. it’s a surprise — is what she said, and you had to hold back.

well, anyway. that’s not important.

what is important, is the fact you were going crazy.

as you predicted, none of you touched upon the topic of your near-confession. you could say you were already used to missing out, and pretending you were alright — except this time, things between you did not fall back into place. every single previous situation dissolved after a while, leaving you unsatisfied, but content that nothing really changed. right now, it was awkward, and all the progress you made was gone. okay, maybe not exactly gone — it was buried. hidden away, waiting. for what, you didn’t know, but it drove you insane. you were jumping around like startled hares, pretending not to see the problem blooming between you.

you both reached for the salt — your fingers brushed, and then you were stumbling over your words, apologizing.

her arm accidentally touched against yours when you stood by the kitchen counter — you jolted back, and she mouthed something under her breath.

you wanted to use the bathroom at the same time — you insisted Mydei goes first, and in return, she argued you should go instead of her.

in attempts of keeping your resolve and kindness as persisting, you began to crack once more.

you should consider yourself a lunatic for falling so deeply for a girl who was your roommate, but you couldn’t bear it any longer. the way her lips curled into a smile, and how she brushed stands of hair away from your eyes.

previously, you thought she didn’t like you that way. now you were halfway sure. no, maybe seventy percent sure. after all, she didn’t seem defiant those two weeks ago when you were inches apart from finally confessing. still, complete certainty was still quite far away from you.

in the mornings, Mydei was the first thing you thought of. you always went to search her out, hopping happily to her side as she cut some bread.

during the night, when light was gone, and the world was quiet, you drowned in reveries about the girl — constantly.

how could you tear your eyes away from her, now that you’ve seen her? if you were sunflowers, you’d face Mydei instead of the sun. that’s how far your affections towards her stretched.

and it was dumb. utterly dumb.

"wow, this color is so bright.” you commented, smiling to yourself as your gloved fingers stretched the box dye across your friend’s hair ends.

she complained about how faded the paint was, so you quickly jumped into action, running to the nearest store, and buying the most expensive dye. after that, you offered to do all the work yourself, convincing the girl it would be easier this way. she agreed without much hesitation.

she hummed under her breath. "that’s good. maybe it won’t wash away so soon."

her eyes were glued to the TV, watching some poor christmas comedy. you turned in on just to occupy your minds with some noise, in case you both accidentally slipped into that cave of awkwardness and reluctance. you paused your work, taking a second to watch the film as well. as you thought — it was absolutely cheesy.

you huffed out a small laugh, taking another strand to smother it in intense red. "why are these movies always about a big-city girl falling for a guy who owns a pine lumberyard?"

"capitalist propaganda." Mydei deadpanned.

"you’re so festive." you teased sarcastically, giving a gentle tug to her locks.

she shrugged, her neck bending backwards as if following after your touch. "i’m full of cheer."

"you’re surely full of… something."

your roommate briefly turned her head to look at you from the corner of her golden eye. she was smiling. "you’ve been weird recently, [name]."

here we go again, you thought morosely. "thanks."

"i don’t mean it in a bad way," she corrected, turning her vision back towards the TV, "just… kinda quiet. that’s unlike you."

Mydei was awfully perceptive and smart — but failing to notice how heavy the air between you was as of late would be impossible, even for someone dense. "you’ve been avoiding me."

it’s a good way you were dying her hair, else she’d probably spring out from the chair, and give you a bitter look. "no, i haven’t—"

"yes, you have." you forced out against all your wits, tired of the countless conversations you had about this specific topic. it was like an endless circle, with both of you chasing after each other, and finding yourself in the same spot.

a sigh. "maybe. i guess… i didn’t know where we stood. after that.”

you scooped another portion of red on your fingers, running them over the blonde. "neither did i."

she chuckled dryly, crossing her arms over her chest. perhaps it’s a good thing you couldn’t see her face now. "so we both just stopped talking. like cowards."

“like cowards." you repeated, nodding to yourself.

you knew Mydei despised people who ran away from the consequences — those who cowered in fear, afraid of meeting with the truth. you did too, but then silence fell over you, and neither of you spoke again. so you shall remain as cowards.

after waiting for about twenty minutes, Mydei went to wash her hair. you followed in tow, like a stray dog begging for a bone. she sent you a curious glance, cocking one eyebrow at you.

"what?"

“want me to rinse the dye off?”

(could you get any stupider than that? surely).

you wholeheartedly expected her to chase you away, but the girl tilted her head to the side, lips stretching upwards in inconspicuous assessment.

"…okay. since you wanna be so helpful today."

your whole body seemed to breathe out with relief at her agreement. you happily waited until she bent over the bathtub’s edge, reaching for the handheld shower. you let the water run through her hair, streaks of red painting the white ceramic. the hum of it caused your thoughts to cease for a brief moment. if you could, you’d stay like that forever — except soon your back will start to hurt from being hunched over, and Mydei will certainly complain along.

you put the hose away, lathering your hands in shampoo. your fingers interwoven in her locks, patiently washing away the remnants of dye. it was quiet. it was good.

your eyes briefly flickered upwards, catching on the darkened sky through the small window above. it was snowing. you didn’t say anything — and then you thought how much you detest december.

you turned the water back on, rinsing the foamy soap. once you were done, Mydei straightened out, thanking you quietly. you handed her a towel.

both of you dragged your feet towards her room, and you didn’t know why you followed after her still, but you did. she didn’t comment on your actions, which was a relief.

she seated herself on the edge of the bed, hairdryer working loudly as she blew her locks dry. you almost leaned into her side, relishing in the warm air, and how close you were. your legs were hooked around each other, tangled, like snakes in their den.

and when your friend turned it off, you grinned at her, proud of how skillfully you managed to paint her hair (even though it was your first time).

"wow, you look nice!" you complimented, but then again, was there ever a time when she didn’t?

Mydei reached for her phone, opening the camera to look at the final result. "indeed. you chose a nice shade." she smiled back at you.

"uh, so…" you began, afraid of slipping back into that uncomfortable silence between you. you didn’t know what to say, but you were desperate to uphold the conversation.

"anyway, [name]," Mydei interrupted, and you were thankful for it, "wanna see the gift i brought for you?"

you blinked at her with surprise. "but didn’t you say it was supposed to be a…?"

she waved her hand dismissively, stretching her arm to its full extent, and reached for the bag sitting on the floor. "yeah, but i can give it to you now. i’m sure you’re more than curious."

"can’t deny that." you chuckled, observing as she set the thing by your thigh. you sent her the last questioning look, seeing if she will change her mind.

"don’t be shy." the girl coerced, and so, you reached into the bag.

your fingers met with something hard, its shape resembling a rather small box. you carefully took it out, and when you saw the letters engraved atop, your jaw slacked to the ground.

it was the same luxurious brand of Mydei’s jewelry — the exact same one you searched up some weeks ago, baffled by the absurdly high prices. your eyebrows narrowed together, thinking it was a joke, and once you open it you’ll meet with nothing.

upon seeing your bewildered expression, she giggled. how can she be giggling at a time like this?! "c’mon, go ahead."

slowly, you pried the box open, your eyes widening at the sight of a ring — it remained dainty while having that classy air around it, and you gawked at Mydei like a fool. it must have been expensive. hell, expensive’s definition probably doesn’t cover half of the money spent on it!

"no way…" you muttered, your vision flickering back to the ring. "it’s— it’s so beautiful, but i… how could i accept it?"

she shrugged, taking the thing away from you, and pulling the ring out of cushioned box. "it would be impolite to refuse a gift.”

you nodded stiffly, eyebrows still knitted together, as if you were in some kind of a real emotional distress. why would she buy you something like this?

your breath hitched when Mydei tugged your palm closer, carefully slipping the jewelry on. "see? it looks nice." she smiled at you kindly, and you thought your heart might shatter from the sheer force it drummed with.

"yeah, it does." you admitted meekly, looking at the way light reflected off of it. “but i still don’t understand…"

"what do you not understand?"

"i— i’m not deserving of such gifts—“ you stammered, running your tongue over your teeth nervously, "i can’t, i just—"

her joints suddenly curled around yours, and she pulled you towards her. at this point, the whole ground might just open up, and devour you. “[name], do you seriously think i go around buying my friends pricey stuff?"

your irises flied away from Mydei’s face, but her free hand caught your jaw, forcing you to look at her. you swallowed harshly. "maybe…?"

she huffed out an exasperated sigh, probably barely stopping herself from rolling her eyes. "no, i do not. but… you’re different. and that’s why i gave it to you."

the rope tying you both seemed to tighten impossibly hard, and you were sure you heard the creaks of it.

when no meaningful words found their way out of you, she continued. "do you remember when you called me your favorite person?" she asked, and then you thought there’s no running from it now. you were doomed — or perhaps salvaged.

"yes." you answered, unable to keep your gaze away from her comely features.

"well," she began, leaning a bit closer, “you’re my favorite person too."

before you even knew it, Mydei’s lips connected with yours. it knocked the oxygen out of your lungs — but it felt different from what you’ve shared during halloween. it was not fueled by the fleeting fancy or impulse.

it was giving. tender. almost evocative in its nature — ripe and soft, just like the sweet flesh of an apple in full-bloom. the fingers of your unoccupied hand found their way onto the girl’s shoulder, and you couldn’t hold your body back from practically pushing into hers.

you couldn’t believe it was happening. your covets were so nigh for all this time — and now, they finally came true.

she must have liked you. if she didn’t, she certainly wouldn’t be kissing you like that — like you were made out of the finest porcelain. her hand wouldn’t be caressing the back of your head, and you would not be able to feel how hard her heart hammered, threatening to rip through her breast.

when you pulled away, chest burning from the lack of air, Mydei let go of you. her gaze was unsure, but it quickly eased into something less restrained upon your mesmerized look.

"let’s not run away from it anymore, alright?” she almost pleaded, brushing the unruly strands of hair away from your temple.

you immediately nodded, lips stretching into a grin so wide, your whole cheeks began to hurt. "let’s not."

her muscular arms wrapped around you, and you chuckled to yourself, embracing her back. with the touch — your forehead resting in the crook of Mydei’s neck, and her fingertips brushing across your waist — the ache from your body seeped away. it was strained from constantly sprinting, acting as if you were chased by a pack of bloodhounds. but now the pain was gone.

——

december twentieth.

you held onto the girl’s hand tightly, burying your nose in the warm scarf when another sting of coldness caught your face. snow was falling from the sky relentlessly, covering the whole ground with a blanket of whiteness.

another train passed by, its loud horn startling you slightly. she glanced at you, snickering at your sudden jolt. you sent her a lighthearted glare.

currently, you were standing on the platform, waiting for her train. when Mydei told you she was going away for the holidays, you felt as if someone stabbed you — after all, you just managed to finally stabilize your relationship.

you asked why, because obviously, she wasn’t going to visit her father. she then proceeded to vaguely explain something about her mother, that she needed to see her, and talk to her. you inquired if she’s willing to introduce you to her — she merely nodded, sending you a small smile. only later you found out that her mother passed away when the girl was only two years old.

it was a crushing revelation, but Mydei didn’t seem particularly moved by how you began to weep. she simply wiped your tears, saying not to grieve in her stead — but how could you not? upon your vivid sadness, Mydei promised to bring back albums from home, and show you what her mother looked like. then, she offered to visit her during summer, and that was enough to placate your shaken emotions.

there was still so much you did not know about her. just how much sorrow and woe must she carry on daily basis? what kind of shape her thoughts take when she has to deal with the hardships fate placed on her shoulders? how does she prevail?

you wanted to be the first person she reached out to when life got tough. from what little you deduced, Mydei’s existence was never easy. you wanted to be there for her, no matter what — so you squeezed her hand now, knowing she’ll have to face her megalomaniac father soon, and share a meal with him. if you could, you’d hop on that train with her — alas, she probably wouldn’t agree.

another horn tore you away from your grim reveries, and you glanced at the train, Mydei’s hometown on its display.

"here it is." she announced, walking closer to the yellow line. you followed in her step.

"are you—” you began in a hasty manner, watching as a multitude of passengers spilled from the car, "are you sure you’ll be fine?”

she chuckled, letting go of your palm to adjust your scarf. "yeah, everything’s gonna be okay."

you nodded, smiling weakly when she leaned in to kiss you. her lips felt warm against yours. "call me when you get there."

"sure." she nodded, planting her foot on the train’s step. "i’ll see you in a week."

you waved at her, feeling at how uncomfortably your guts clenched. the girl tugged her suitcase up in one swift move, now hugged closely by all the other people walking in and out, steadily disappearing between their silhouettes.

"Mydei," you called over the clamor, catching her attention, "i love you!"

you observed her turn her head towards you, golden eyes widening before the door closed. it was the first time you ever mustered up those words. your heart clenched, dejected by how she didn’t even say it back. when the train moved, you were ready to walk away — but then, one of the windows snapped open, the familiar flury of blonde hair peeking out.

"i love you too, [name]!" she yelled, a grin plastered across her face. the train’s wheels pushed forwards faster now, causing her locks to billow around, tousled by the wind.

a surprised gasp left your mouth. you ran after the large machine, laughing along with Mydei as she pushed the strands obscuring her vision. your legs burned, and now you were sprinting after the girl — not away from her. once you could no longer keep up, you finally stopped, completely out of breath, and smiling like a love-struck fool.

no matter if she’s not by your side — there’s always going to be a home for her in your heart. you’ll leave the lights on.

[study-diaries]

Things I Wish Teachers Would Understand

I have a life outside of school. I may be going through health problems or mental health issues or family troubles or financial issues. Literally, I can name so many things and of course, you won't consider it because the only thing you notice is that how I've not done my homework or how I got low grades in my exams.

Grades don't define me. Or my efforts. Or my self-worth. Just because I get high grades doesn't mean I'm more smart or disciplined. And just because I get low grades doesn't mean I'm dumb or lazy.

Mental health issues are real. Really real. And they are hard to deal with.

Learning disabilities are also real. You can't just get out of it. Working hard doesn't fix it. It's a real issue.

Being an introvert is not bad. IT IS NOT BAD. Period. I do not have to speak more in class to prove that I'm paying attention. It just means that I do not want to speak. I'm fine with being quiet.

I can forget things. I can forget that assignment that was due, I can forget to do the homework. And I can definitely forget about the test.

The things you say matters. Even if it is sarcasm. Even if it is a dismissal. Sometimes, it makes me stay up late at night. Sometimes it just stays with me throughout the day. So, yes. You should speak a bit more carefully.

Grades don't show my full effort. Sometimes, I try so hard and I still don't get it right. And when you say that I should try harder? That does shatter a small part of me, not because you told me that, it just makes me feel that I'm the one who's damn stupid and that no matter how much effort I put in the work, it doesn't matter if the grades are not there.

As a student, I will of course prefer some subjects over the others. It is not a personal attack. And it is not an invitation for you to tell me something sarcastic about it.

Calling out a student on their mistakes in front of the whole class or our juniors or seniors or any other teachers is not okay. It's embarrassing to us and makes us feel bad.

Small praise does mean something. Honestly. I remember every good thing a teacher told me because I'll be honest, most don't say very nice things.

Please don't try to force things on us. Whether it be competitions, extracurriculars or anything really. It doesn't feel good.

And if there are some students who misbehave? That doesn't mean the whole class is bad. And no, collective punishments don't help.

I also appreciate when you try. Like, really. I respect you because you teach dozens of classes a day and still show up to our classes with neutral moods. You have a lot of patience for dealing with us.

I really appreciate your stories, advice and the small tips that you give about life now and then. It helps. And yes, I do remember.

I also feel that sometimes that both our expectations come crashing down. You expect us to do good. We expect you to be supportive and passionate. And it's okay to let go of your expectations sometimes.

And I know you have stresses too. You, too, have health problems, mental health issues and family issues, financial issues. I know you have the pressure of making everyone pass through the year and delivering good grades. And I have to say, I understand you. I really do.

I'm writing this because I've had so many teachers expect so much from me. And I'll be honest, that pressure broke me. Seriously broke me. I also respect teachers a lot, but it also doesn't mean I appreciate their behaviors or actions. You make up the world that we currently live in and I say this, not just as a student but as a person.

(P.S. This has been in my drafts from a long time. This was like peak exam + pressure + stress season, so don't mind the not so small rant. And no, I don't have a personal grudge against teachers.)

[toothplant]

An A/B/O Sammick Idea I had :)

A very unapologetic, lengthier expansion of a tweet I made. 

Pre-movie omega Sammie disappearing for a few days to spend his heat with Alpha Remmick, out of sight from his parent’s careful eyes and having to face their wrath upon his return. Coming back in the early morning with a gnarled mating bite on is neck and smelling like someone else.

Having to face his Daddy’s disappointment at being mated out of wedlock, tarnishing both of their reputations in the community. His parents’ anger and frustration at his recklessness because he went somewhere he knew he had no place being during his heat. This isn’t his first time—he knew where to go and when. He snuck out the house, took advantage of their trust to fornicate with God know what alpha. Tie himself to him without their knowing of who he is, where he’s from, what he does, or how they even met in the first place. And boy, do they lose their gaskets when he won’t tell them a thing.

He won’t tell them a name, give a description of any sort—the only reason they know the alpha is even a man is because Sammie slipped up when he got caught the first time. The smell clued them in on it being an alpha. None of his friends know who this alpha is, much less that he was even seeing someone. At first, they were understanding; maybe the reluctance was because he was taken advantage of by a White man or a bastard alpha during his time of the month. That ended once his Momma and Daddy catch him again in the early morning, looking stupid as all get out as he tried to sneakily change out of his clothes, scent-laden with the deep musk of that same alpha. Things get tense in the coming months both in the home and in the community as Sammie struggles to keep playing his music and hide his alpha from everyone. 

Just Moore family drama, so lovely.  :)

If we want to add an element of mpreg, Sammie skips town without a trace once his belly starts to fill out. Once his Momma learns that he’s pregnant, everything begins to fray. She would never throw him out, and she wouldn’t tell his father either, but things get even harder between taking care of all his siblings, sneaking more food since he’s eating for two, facing constant judgement from people everywhere: fellow church-goers, strangers on the street, his own father. He won’t be able to handle it if they found out he was with child, too. Especially considering who the father is. He doesn’t know what’ll become of him, and he doesn’t want to find out.

Meanwhile Remmick is over the moon. He found his fated, powerful omega and the two spent such a sweet, sweet time under the moonlight in each other’s arms, loving each other so wholly. After mating, they would spend a couple hours singing together, sharing past songs and creating new ones. Oh, he loved it when they sang, especially when Sammie would let such powerful harmonies flow from his mouth, conjuring their people, his people he spent so long chasing. Telling each other stories of hardship, of struggle. Remmick did have to dig deep in his memories to remember how to properly provide for his still human omega, but he was eager to please and determined to woo the darling over, which he did. He had his baby’s heart, mind, and soul, and the boy had what’s left of his.

But he hated, oh how he hated, when that period ended. When put on the clothes that went into their makeshift nest, leaving Remmick with only his half a nest and half a heart. His clothes smelled like the omega’s sweetness, but that lasted as long as the next night as he needed them to hunt. He was antsy, he didn’t understand why his love stayed away. He’d follow his scent to the plantation, call to him through his mind, but he wouldn’t budge. His beau’s mating bite, unhealed on his shoulder was his only form of consolation until his omega came staggering back, desperate and yearning for him, but scared. But he came more often, usually in the dead of night, and would return just before dawn. Remmick relished this attention, but he hated the townspeople for causing his beau so much stress. It wasn’t until Sammie came to him one night crying, near inconsolable, grasping his palm to bring to his stomach and feel a slight lump in his abdomen, that he damn near jumps for joy. A family! Finally!

But his love didn’t share these thoughts. He’s on borrowed time, his mom promised to keep it a secret, but he doesn’t know how he’ll keep it for long. Something is going to have to give and Sammie isn’t prepared for what that will be. Not to mention the sire of his child being a literal blood-sucking monster, and y’know… white. It would be putting Sammie and the baby in danger if he stays here.

So Remmick, try as he might to hold his giddiness, propositions him to leave. They’ll head for Chicago, like he always dreamed of, have the baby there, then they can be a family as Sammie lives out his dreams. Remmick may be old, but he’s no bigot and certainly not one to follow social norms (unless the situation calls); he’ll take pleasure in taking care of the baby while Sammie starts his career. It’ll be hard, but they’ll be free. He reckons he can get a mode of transportation and they’ll head out tomorrow.

And that they do. 

They left the next night, not a clue left behind as budding family rode to the city under the ever-present eyes of the stars.

[amirsnothere]

Falling Chairs Don't Scare Me

Bucky Barnes x Reader

(Found Home series (part 3))

Warnings: swearing, reader has trauma, heavily implied past abuse, throwing up

Summary: Bucky and his colleague offer you a place to stay for the night.

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N - I promise the story will be cute after time, but I got a story I wanna tell, so I'm gonna tell it! Any feedback is appreciated! Fanfic writers are usually living off scraps!

Previous part

The man laughed as he opened the door.

“You're lucky I was in town. By the way, it's nice of you to finally return my calls.”

“I didn't return your call, we just needed a place to stay for the night.”

Bucky gestured you into the hotel room, past the man now scowling at him. He clapped him firmly on the shoulder before brushing past him and following you in.

You're pretty sure you had seen this man in the news over the years as well, but you had to be honest, you didn’t recognize him too well. He certainly didn't get as much coverage as Captain America or Iron Man. 

You sat in the second flimsy chair at the miniature table near the hotel room TV, adjacent from Bucky. The man closed the door, resting his elbows on his knees as he sat down on the bed, facing the two of you. Try as you might, you can't remember his name.

That's okay, you hadn't known Bucky's name either, until he had introduced himself as James Barnes to you, and you turned to Google to fill in the blanks on where he looked familiar from. Come to think of it, he had never introduced himself as Bucky to you. Maybe you should just be calling him James…

“So, you gonna tell me what's going on? Your place compromised or something?”

“Sam, this is my neighbor -” He gestured gently to you, telling him your name. He gestured from you back to Sam. “This is my colleague, Sam.”

“Colleague? C'mon man, would it really kill you to call us friends?”

“Yes.”

Sam let out some sort of guffaw, and leaned forward, extending his hand to you.

“It's good to finally meet the cute neighbor. I'm Sam, Bucky's best friend, even when he doesn't return my calls.” A pointed look towards said best friend.

Your cheeks warmed and you chuckled as you shook his hand. Bucky nodded at you - Sam had called him Bucky, so at least now you felt more comforted that you could as well.

“He's not my best friend.”

“I'm his only friend, pretty sure that automatically makes me the best.” Sam winked.

Bucky rolled his shoulders as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“(Y/N)’s ex is moving out of their apartment tonight, and she needed a place to stay. My place isn't very comfortable and I couldn't think of any furniture stores open this late.”

“Well then, I'm glad you called. His apartment is pretty miserable, right?” You hid a soft laugh behind your hand. “I've been telling him he needed to get some decorations, maybe a couch, a TV! Sounds like it's still boring as hell though?”

“I did throw up on his floor.”

Sam's eyebrows rose as he gave an approving laugh. “Well there you go! That's something! I'm sure his apartment hasn't been so blessed since I gave him that dingy-ass birdhouse!”

You felt a little lighter since leaving Bucky's apartment. A little. The time had given you a little bit of a cushion to get a grasp of your feelings.  The little bit of food you had been able to get down with Sam's encouragement and Bucky's attentive watch had helped a ton as well. Now, as you sat on the floor of the cramper hotel shower, hot water cascading over you, you just felt exhausted.

A soft knock at the door and Bucky gently calling your name. 

“- you ok? You've been in there for an hour.” You could hear Sam's voice in this background, but you couldn't make out what he said. “Right! Not like there’s anything wrong with being in there for an hour! Take all the time you need! I just wanted to check in.”

You brushed the hair that had mopped in front of your eyes back over your forehead and chuckled lightly to yourself. “Yeah, I'm ok, I'll be out in a minute.” 

You shut off the hot water and reached for a clean towel, sighing gratefully at its softness.

Sam had even given you a clean set of clothes, a wife-beater tank and some loose sweat-shorts, the old Avengers logo printen on the left leg just above your knee.

You were used to wearing more modest clothing, but you were grateful for something clean to wear. And honestly, you were grateful for the newness as well, no memories attached at all to the outfit you were wearing or the room you'd be sleeping in. The sentiment made you feel even a little bit lighter.

You took a stabilizing deep breath before you opened the bathroom door back into the main room. You didn't miss the way Sam's eyebrows lifted subtly, or Bucky's face hardened, as you stepped out of the bathroom, steam trailing after you, wisping at your ankles.

You kept your face still as you searched Bucky's eyes. As his eyes searched you. All of you. For the first time ever, you couldn't hide the bruises that littered your whole body - anywhere that your pants or a long sleeve shirt could cover.

“I'm going to kill him.” He growled quietly, but you still heard him.

“No you won't. I'm fine.”

“You sure don't look fine!” Bucky's jaw tightened as Sam spoke.

“I'm fine now. Thanks to you.”

Bucky stood abruptly, flimsy chair clattering to the ground. He stomped to the door, slamming it shut as he disappeared into the cool night.

You smiled wide now, showing off your teeth.

“I am doing so much better now, thanks to you guys! I appreciate it so much!”

You clenched your teeth tighter into your smile as you stepped to pick up the fallen chair.

“I'm sorry about the chair!” A breathy laugh, “Goodness, I should have-”

Sam rushed to you, crouching down and placing a gentle hand on yours. You flinched as he helped you pull the chair up.

“Sorry.” He pulled his hand away as he noticed your discomfort. He took a step back and looked at you earnestly.

“Hey, I know what you're doing, and you don't have to do it. Bucky isn't going to hurt anyone, he’s just a little upset. You're safe here I promise.”

You crossed your arms over your torso, tightening your smile to cover your teeth.

“Sam. I know that, thank you.”

He frowned at you, sighing gently.

“You are safe. I promise. You don't have to manage anyone's reactions anymore.”

Your lips faltered for a moment, but you quickly pulled them back into place. You couldn't, however, control the pricking burn that started to form in the back of your throat.

“Especially, now that Bucky knows what's going on. Your super soldier of a neighbor has a crazy sense of duty in him. He's not going to let anything happen to you.”

“I think I need to throw up -” 

At least your nausea was finally working on your side for this once. Not much came up as you leaned over the toilet, but it got you out of the room with Sam. He didn't come to get you, and you were able to hide in the bathroom for another hour, before you fell asleep, cheek pressed to the tub.

[tinyshoopuf]

Murderbot TV thoughts

Okay, I changed out my kitchen sink faucet and let the first 2 episodes percolate in my mind and here are my thoughts (I'll put spoiler type stuff under the cut):

It is a good sci-fi show. I think if you haven't read the books you will really enjoy it. I think if you HAVE read the books you could enjoy it. I will put up front that I went into it skeptical and hoping to like it but expecting it to annoy me.

Murderbot TV is going to be a different story. I believe the themes are all going to still be present, but it's just going to be a different vehicle for it. That's not to say it's a bad adaptation, I think it's done pretty well, but if you are very particular about, well, particulars, you probably aren't going to enjoy the show.

I'll start off by saying I think it's going to be a case of Howl's Moving Castle book vs. movie. There's a popular post on here that says the book is how Sophie tells it and the movie is how Howl tells it, and I think that difference of perspective is at play here. The Murderbot Diaries are solely from Murderbot's perspective, whereas the show is not. We still get internal monologue from Murderbot, but now we are seeing a more objective truth than what we get through the book. Because, remember, Murderbot is an unreliable narrator. It will decide what to tell us and we are getting character actions through its lense and its entire experience with humans is through corporation rim work slavery and dramatizations on the entertainment feed, so its not going to accurately portray events.

Okay, below is where I'm gonna get into specifics.

I think Mensah is one of the biggest ways we're shown this difference. From MB's perspective, Mensah starts out as not an inrepid adventurer, but a scientist and a good leader, then actually is an intrepid adventurer (and good leader). One of my initial annoyances was in showing that Mensah was having panic attacks. This is kind of counter to how MB depicts her in the book, she gets adrenaline spikes, but she's the leader and is able to keep things from showing to her team. In the books, she's only shown to have problems after the events of book 1, but of course that's only after MB gets emotionally attached and actually starts paying attention.

So.

I think, for me at least, it is helpful to view some of these changes as oh, this is no longer through MB's filter and we're seeing everything that happens as-is.

Okay, some other thoughts that aren't really organized are:

I still think it was important that Mensah at least went into the survey having seen MB's face and even though she spoke to the company reps about how she viewed it as enslavement, not seeing its face felt like it doesn't really drive home that it is a person to her yet. One of the reasons in the book she's much quicker to trust MB is because she, at least, has been thinking of it as a person this whole time

I like that they had Arada refer to MB as 'he' after she's seen its face and had Gurathin emphasize the 'it' part, although I wish it had been someone else doing it because Gurathin was being very antagonistic at that moment.

I get that they had budget constraints and wanted to trim down the cast a little so they didn't include Volescu and combined Overse and Pin-Lee, but I'm not sure I like that now Arada and Pin-Lee are married?

There are several, I hesitate to call them changes, but additions/alterations that are used to show the universe to newcomers instead of just having MB tell us everything in a constant running monologue. It's fine.

Listen, I get that they want to drive home the fact that MB does not have the configuration to be a sexbot, but I don't wanna keep seeing it naked, even if it does just look like a ken doll. It was very uncomfortable watching Mensah try to check in on it when it's standing there in the open, completely naked and skin colored, while the not-cubicle works on repairing it.

Not a fan of having MB pick out its name right after deactivating its governor module. The show, in trying to make what happened at the Ganaka Pit installation a mystery, doesn't let the audience know much about what MB knows. It says its memory was wiped and it's got fragments of a memory, but we don't know if it knows it killed a bunch of people (the instigation for it trying to deactivate the governor module in the first place). I guess later episodes might answer that and I know I'm being very critical but. I love the books, okay?

I greatly enjoyed Ratthi. He's so good. I loved how they depicted the PresAux team doing their hippy dippy thing and having the humming circle and Ratthi just humming "Gurathin join in" was hilarious.

I'm not a fan, personally, of being shown Ratthi, Arada, and Pin-Lee having a threesome, but I do admit it was funny that as soon as Gurathin tried to poke around MB's feed Mb was like here's your coworkers having a threesome. That's right, get out of my feed.

I probably missed something, but yeah. I'm gonna keep watching and reserve final judgement for the end. It's a little hard to analyze some of the decisions they made when only 2 episodes are out and we don't have the complete story.

[sungieskies]

Time without You

Pairing: Soap (Johnny) MW2 x AFAB reader

⚠️: kidnapping & abuse in one part, vaginal sex, oral sex, fluff in a Lil part, use of pet names. This is not all of them but I dont remember all of them.

Words: 4.6k

A/N: hiiii! I haven't written in so long and now im here with a long story. I spun a wheel of like 6 characters to see who to write about so here we are!I hope it isn't awful, its a bit everywhere. This is not proofread.

Johnny was never used to be told no by you. You were one to always listen to his commands, even if you both were the same rank. The one time you do tell him no, all hell broke loose.

You had been placed onto Taskforce 141 as a special agent to assist in their mission to capture a cartel leader over in Paris. You would be their guide through the city, get them close enough to the cartel without being noticed and either capture their target or, if things went south, kill him.

The mission had went relatively smooth, leading you to becoming a regular addition to their missions and had been a part of the taskforce for 2 years now. The newest operation you were placed into was in Mexico, where the men had gone quite a bit for other missions. You were out of your element in the cities of Mexico, which is why you were placed with Johnny. He kept you at his side at all times, making sure you didn't wander into danger.

As the two of you walked upon a patrol by the local gang, he held his arm out to stop you from walking. You look toward him, brow furrowed, "we can take them Soap, come on.." Your murmurs fall upon his ears, but you knew from the glare you got that those weren't the words he wanted.

"No way, I'm not risking our lives just for two people that could take us where we need to go.." he mutters, his hand still blocking your path. He words, however, did not do much to deter you.

"No, we need to get them," You pushed past his little blockade, right into the line of danger. The two gang members you saw were not the only ones in the alleyway, there was a third that had been out of your line of sight. Immediately you had three guns pointed at you. Your eyes go wide, body ridged. You were grabbed, handled like a piece of meat as they drug you off to their underground base. Johnny had tried to move fast enough but there were three of them and one of him. As he stood there, he could hear your cry for him, "Johnny!!"

He radioed in, "we have a problem.."

After meeting up with Price, Ghost and Gaz, Johnny explained the entire situation. He seemed distressed the entire time, unable to get the sight of your scared face out of his head. The decided it was best to split back into pairs and have Ghost and Johnny bail you out while Price and Gaz keep an eye on the building to take anyone out if needed.

While they were planning your bail out, you were thrown into a small room within a concrete building. You whimper as your body hits the cold floor, trying to lift yourself back up off it. A hand slammed your head back down, the pain causing you to yelp. "Listen here you stupid bitch. Tell us where the hell your squad is" the man growled out, slapping your cheek with a knife as another bound your wrists and ankles together. You growled up at him, "fucking try me" you manage to mutter out before being slammed down against the concrete once more. Your vision went hazy as the pain flared through your skull, before everything faded out and your eyes closed.

They beat you for two weeks, trying to get the information out of you. They wanted squad name, who was with you and where they were. You hadn't said a word, which only caused the treatment to worsen the longer you were there. By the start of week three, the exhaustion had caught up to you, your eyes fluttering closed as the lull if sleep took you in. The sounds of rustling surround the room you were in, soft whispers and murmurs just down the hall. After a few moments, the metallic scent of blood creeped in around you, a puddle forming under the door.

Your eyes opened back up, your sight hazy as your gaze locks with Johnny. You opened your mouth, trying to ask him something but he covers your mouth with his hand.

"No, don't say a fucking word" he practically growls out at you. He cuts your arms and legs free before trying to help you stand. Your legs wobble, but you gain balance rather fast. You hold onto him as he helps you outside, your body leaning against his. Once outside, he helps you into the van that Gaz and Price had been in. You sit in between Johhny and Ghost as you all take off toward base.

Your exhaustion was too much, you could feel your body growing heavy. You lean against Johnny, eyes fluttering closed and breathing growing softer. He looks down at you and sighs, muttering under his breath "Jesus..."

He watches you sleep, anger and relief I'm his gaze. He was still pissed at you for running off into danger like an idiot, getting yourself caught and beaten like this. Your skin was splotched with purple and red marks, small cuts litter your cheeks and arms, and your hair was a matted mess. He couldn't stay mad though, as when he gazed upon your body it just made him happy that you were alive. He gently wrapped an arm around your body, keeping you steady as the road began to get bumpy.

Once back at their makeshift base, he carried you out of van and to one of the tents to start tending to your smaller wounds and examine your body to ensure there was nothing more serious was wrong with you. He lays you down on the cot, gently peeling off your shirt and torn pants. This left you in just your bra and underwear, which he kept in place as he didn't want to have you wake up and get the wrong idea. His eyes roamed over your body, locking onto all the bruises and cuts. His fingers ghost over your skin, gently feeling your ribs and arms to ensure no broken bones. When he was satisfied with his findings, he cleaned all your cuts and bandaged them. He applied a salve to the bruises, being gently while he rubbed it into your skin.

It had been a week since they had saved you, a week of trying to get everyone to stop babying you. Currently, you all were back at home base, all trying to destress and calm down from the mission. You yawn softly as you sit up in your bed, wincing as you stretch your body. You slide out of te warm covers, stepping into your slippers and walking out of your room. You walk down the hall, into the shared community room.

You see Price, Gaz, Ghost and Johhny all playing pool together. You stand in the doorway for a moment, watching them all smile and joke around with each other before calling out to one in particular. "Johnny!" Your voice was loud enough, but it was still strained due to the treatment you had endured. His eyes dart up and meet yours with a goody grin. He sets his poolstick down before walking over to you, a hand gently on your shoulder as he guides you into the hall.

"You okay..?" He asks softly, not used to you singling him out to speak to. Your eyes lock with his, nodding your head before speaking.

"Thank you..." you murmur softly, a hand reaching out to gently squeeze his arm. The gentle intimacy was nothing new between the two of you. In the two, almost three years you had know each other, it was obvious that you both harbored some sort of feelings for each other. It was what made him so determined to save you, so cautious of your actions.

"Why are you thanking me?" He asks, his brow furrowing as his hand comes up to catch yours in a soft hold.

"Saving me...i-i.." Your words fizzle out, embarrassment suddenly filling your body. It was awkward to be thanking him specifically as they had all saved you, but there was more to your thanks and Johnny could tell.

"You scared the hell outta me...you know that?" He speaks as to ease your bashful feelings. "I watched you get grabbed and there was nothing I could do. Saving you then would've got us both killed and making the choice to come get you after broke my damn heart.." he says as his other hand now comes up, his knuckles gently ghosting over your cheekbone.

"I know..I'm sorry it was dumb" your words ring out with sincerity, and he could see it in your eyes. "I didn't know the third guy was there..I'm sorry Johnny" you say softly.

"I'm just glad you're alive.." he mutters into your neck, as he leans down into the crook of your neck. With his subble tickling against your skin, you pull him into a tight hug, your own face buried in his shoulder. It took a few moments for either of you to talk, but your words stopped the silence.

"Johnny...?"

"Yeah..?"

"Being without you taught me how much I needed you..."

Johnny's grip on you loosens slightly, and he swallows hard, trying to process your words. When he finally speaks, his voice low and sincere. "Hey... look at me."

You look up into his eyes, your own widening as he crashes his lips upon yours. In the two, almost three, years you had known Johnny he had always been a flirt, also so careful around you but you never thought it would end in something like this.

Your hesitation makes him pull away, his other hand coming up to cup your cheek. "Too much...?" He asks, a hint of regret in his tone. He thought he had done something wrong at your lack of response and it was starting to kill him.

It takes you a couple moments to respond, but when you do it makes Johnny the happiest he's been in a long time. This time, you lean forward and kiss him. One of his hands move to wrap around your waist, settling right upon your hips, the other now cupping your face. Your lips move in perfect sync, the soft sounds escaping you both harmonizing into a perfect symphony.

You slowly pull away from his lip, a soft and shy giggle escaping your lips. "Not too much..." you murmur, finally replying to his questions with words. He laughs softly before glancing back toward the community room, toward their friends.

"Give me just a second, alright pretty..?" He asks with a smile, his thumb gently rubbing your cheek one last time before walking back to everyone. You watch him from the doorway, watching as he forfeits his part of the game of pool before jogging back over to you. He reaches out and grabs your hand, slowly walking you down the other hall and toward the male dorms.

As you walk, you take a deep breath. Your eyes follow over the movements of his body, making your shy feeling bubble up even more as you start to think about what was going on between the two of you. "Johnny.." you murmur softly.

"Yeah pretty?" He asks softly as he looks down into your eyes, his movements slowing.

You don't respond with words, instead kissing him once again. You couldn't get enough of him now that your feelings were out in the open. His chuckle vibrates against your lips, his hands gently guiding you to his room as the two of you kiss. His lip move against yours perfectly, and soon, your backed up against the cold metal door. He pulls away momentarily to open it, pushing you inside before closing the door behind him. He grabs your wrist and pulls you against him, "legs around me pretty" he growls out softly.

You understood immediately, your legs wrapping around his hips as he lifts you up. His hands rest upon the bottoms of your thighs, your back now pressed against the wall. You whimper softly at just how cold the wall felt against your warm body as your shirt lifted a bit to show your midriff. Johnny chuckled softly at the noise that escaped your lips.

"That was pretty damn cute" he mutters, his hands moving from her thighs to your waist as he leans in. You lean in as well, expecting a kiss but instead his lips gently latch to your jawline. He presses soft kisses onto your skin, making you shiver. His lips move up toward your ear where he gently bites your earlobe "I didn't wanna rush anything princess..." he murmurs into your ear "but God damn I want you.."

You blush softly at his words before giggling softly, "You can have me...it's not rushing when we've both harbored feelings for almost three years.." you say softly, feeling his fingertips dance along your exposed stomach. "I'm serious Johnny..." you day to reassure and ease him. He was a good guy, you knew that and seeing him worry about rushing with you made your heart swell.

He looks into your eyes as if to ensure of your approval before his kisses started back up. He trailed them from your earlobe down your neck, across your collarbone. Between kisses he would nip at your skin, leaving behind small marks to show that he had been there. With each mark, a soft whimper of pleasure escapes your lips. The soft intimacy he was providing was more than enjoyable, making you crave more of his touch.

He soon stops at the hem of your shirt, his fingers gently tugging on the fabric as to ask permission. You arch your back, allowing him to pull your shirt off with ease, exposing your bra clad chest to his eyes. He had seen you in just a bra before, after missions to ensure of no serious injuries. It had never been a lustful gaze upon your body, but this time was different. His eyes landed upon where your breasts met, the valley between them nonexistent from how the bra pushed them together. The way the tops of your breasts spilled out just a bit made his pants grow a bit tight.

He leans down, picking up where he left off and trailing nips and kisses down to the tops of your breasts. As he pressed his lips against your skin, he began to move you once more. He walked effortlessly to the bedroom, only moving his lips away to lay you down on the bed. He takes his own shirt off now, your eyes trailing over his abs. You reach your hands out, palms flat on his skin. His abs felt rock hard, and the look in his eyes told you he was about to be the same. You pull back, just enough to allow hid hand to snake behind you and unhook your bra. It slides down your arms, tossed somewhere in the abyss of the dark room around you.

Your breasts lay perfectly against your chest, nipples hardening from the cool air. You whimper softly as his hands come up, cupping your breasts while his thumbs rub over your hardened nipples. His thumbpads were rough, making the feeling more pleasurable than you thought possible. The look he gives you made your stomach bubble with warmth, the soft gaze mixed with a lustful haze. He leans down and kisses from tops of your breasts to your nipple, taking the hardened bud between his lips and swirling his tongue around it. You moan softly, lips parted as your back arches up to press yourself against him more.

"J-johnny.." you whimper out to him as he grazes your nipple with his teeth. His eyes flick up to yours with a chuckle

"yeah princess?" He asks as he pulls away from your breast only to latch onto the other one, giving it the same treatment. You gasp softly at the sudden contact to your other breast, a hand coming up and tugging on the bottom of his mohawk.

"F-fuck Johnny..." you moan softly at him, eyes watching his movements intently. A cocky smirk grows on his lips and he let's that nipple go with a soft pop. His lips trail down the swell of your breasts, down your stomach. He stops at the hem of your pants, pulling back to look at you once more. You nod, giving him permission to continue again. He gently peels your pants and panties off in one go, helping you kick them off and throwing them to wherever the hell your bra had gone.

He gently spreads your legs, getting a good look at you. The way he gazed upon your body, the most intimate features, was something you never wanted to miss. His eyes held such adoration and love, even as he leaned down. He looks at you one last time before his gaze shifts down to your pussy and thighs. He starts biting and kissing gently on your thighs and leaving marks there as well. Each bite or kiss caused you to jolt, trying to close your legs around his face.

"Nah uh, you're keeping these open" he growls, the lust and dominance in his voice making your breath hitch and your pussy wetter.

"Y-yes sir" you murmur softly before gasping out. A rush of cool air is felt against your pussy, Johnny having spread youbopen and blown on your wet folds.

"Such a sensitive girl" he mutters as he leaned in. His tongue swipes from bottom to top, flicking against your clit. You moan loudly, throwing your head back against the pillows. The feeling of his tongue was something new, and something you needed more of. You buck your hips up against his face, whining out for more. He gets the hint and with a soft laugh, starts licking at you again. His tongue focuses on your clit at the start, trying to get you riled up even more to make the later activities easier. As he suckled and lapped at your pussy, he gently eases two fingers into you.

The sudden pressure from his fingers makes you bite your lip, your walls clenching hard at the intrusion. He curls his fingers, trying to distract you with the pleasure on your clit. At your sharp gasp, he knows he's found the spot he was looking for. He growls softly against your skin, his fingers now thrusting against that soft spot within you. Each touch to your g-spot has you whining and clenching around his fingers, slick arousal gushing out around them.

He laps it all up, not letting an ounce of your slick go to waste. He adds a third finger, pumping then in time with his licks. Your body was wracked with pleasure, eyes closed and mouth hung open as moans and whines escape you. Your thighs start to tremble, your hands rapidly trying to push his mouth away.

"J-johnny...s-stop I'm gon-" the words couldn't even leave your mouth before he had your eyes rolling back from your first orgasm. Your back arched high off the mattress, toes curled and thighs squishing his head "f-fuck!"

Your orgasm has you panting, pushing his face away with haste as to avoid overstimulation. He pulls away with a chuckle, pulling his fingers out slowly. He brings his fingers to his lips and sucks them clean one by one.

"You taste fucking delicious" he says, eyes locked to yours in a lustful gaze. His hands then move down to his belt, starting to undo it. You look down to his hands to watch his actions, trying to regain your breath. You sit up slowly, hands shaking as you reach out and start helping him. His pants and boxers come down easily once his belt was off, his hardened cock springing free.

Your eyes widen as they land on his cock, a deep blush spreading across your already flushed cheeks. He wasn't massive by any means, but he was still pretty big and definitely bigger than any you'd had before. You reach a tentative hand out, fingers wrapping around the shaft with an almost reverent touch. He groans softly, cock throbbing against your palm as precum weeps from the tip. You look up into his eyes through you lashes as you lean forward. Your lips press against the head of his cock, tongue darting out to lick up his precum.

"Fuck...just like that baby.." he groans out. His hand moves to your head, threading his fingers into your hair. He tugs gently, trying to urge you to take more. "Come on princess, don't tease.."

You hum softly and take more of him into your mouth, tongue swirling around his shaft. Your eyes fluttering closed as you suck his cock, your hands coming up to his thighs. As your hands rest on his thighs, he gently starts to thrust into your mouth. You moan around his length, drool dripping down the corners of your mouth. He grunts and groans softly, his cock throbbing against your tongue as he tries to hit the back of your throat. You gag slightly the more he pushes in, tears welling on your water line from the strain but you don't stop him.

He looks down at you as he fucks your mouth, watching you with pure adoration in his eyes. He grabs a handful of your hair with one hand, the other sliding down to hold your jaw open wider. "Christ, baby... your throat is fucking heaven." After a few more thrusts, he pulls you off his cock. As you pull back, a line of saliva connects your lips to his cock.

"Why'd you make me stop..?" You ask softly as you fall back against the mattress, Johhny hovering over you.

"Cause, if I'm gonna cum, it's gonna be in that pretty cunt." He says with a cheeky smile. Your eyes widen at his words before you giggle out, his smile easing your nerves. He leans down and kisses you as he lines himself up with you. He carefully pushes your legs up and hooks them onto his shoulders. Once he has you in the right position, he slowly eases himself into you.

The immediate pain wasn't terrible, you weren't a virgin by any means but it had been sometime since the last time you had sex. It burned a bit, but he had stretched you and got you turned on enough that it was ease for him to slide in. Johnny slowly bottoms out inside you, making your entire body shiver.

"Fuck you're so tight even after the work I did" he growls out, leaning his head down into your neck.

"You're just big..." you pant back at him as you try to get used to the feeling of being of throughly stuffed. That little boost to his ego made him throb inside you, making you moan and clench down around him. The feeling of your velvety walls clenching down on him makes it hard for him to think, let alone hold himself back from thrusting into you like a mad man. He presses gentle kisses against where your shoulder meets your neck, slowly pulling out before slamming back in. He sets a gentle pace at first, wanting you to get used to the feeling.

You cling to him as he starts thrusting, your arms pulling him closer. His gentle thrusts were nice, but once you were used to it...it wasn't enough. You look up into his eyes, a soft moan escaping your lips between your words. "Harder.."

He was quick to oblige, needing the stimulation as well. The pace he set now was quick and hard, pulling his cock almost all the way out before hammering back into you. Each thrust brought a new noise from your lips, sometimes a moan, sometimes a whimper. Johnny hisses as your pussy flutters around him. "Fuck.." He reaches down to spread her legs further apart, watching himself disappear inside you. "That's a view I could watch forever.." he mutters, a soft growl in his tone.

His words make your cheeks heat up again, but your embarrassment is quickly swallowed by the pleasure you feel. You throw your head back against the pillows, arching your back and causing him to hit a new angle. It made your eyes roll back and a scream to rip from your throat. You slip your legs from his grasp, wrapping them inside around his hips. You lock your ankles together, whining up at him as your legs push him deeper. Sweat beads down his chest and face as he chuckles, "needed me deeper sweetheart..?" He asks before claiming your lips in a rough kiss.

"Fuck yes" you moan against his lips as you kiss back with equal fervor. Your legs keep him locked in, a fast and rough pace as he slams into you over and over again. Your breasts bounce against his chest, one of his hands coming up to hold one of them. It was warm and plush in his hand making him slam against you even harder.

"Johnny!~" you cry out, head thrown back again as you pull away from the kiss. He leans in, keeping his face close to yours.

"Such a good girl for me..." he pants into your ear, his free hand gripping your hip and holding you down against the mattress. The grip he had on you, the way his cock dragged against your inner walls and the feeling of his breath against your skin was too much. You clung to him like a lifeline, nails digging into his shoulder blades as you tried to muffle your moans against his skin. The closer you got to your orgasm, the tighter you felt and the more noise he started to make. His grunts and groans grew in volume, and that was the last straw.

You cried out against his skin, walls fluttering as you came hard. Your eyes roll back, back arched as high as it could go. You had never had an orgasm so good. Watching you get pushed over the edge into pure bliss made Johnny follow right behind. He chased his high like a mad man and with one final thrust, he got his release. He grunts as he slams against you, ropes of cum painting your inner walls.

It takes a few moments for you both to come back to reality and ground yourselves, but when you do, you cant help the giggle that escapes your lips. You look up in to his eyes, the goofy grin on his face not going unnoticed.

"That was fucking amazing princess.." He mutters softly as he presses a kiss to your forehead. You nod and gently place your hand on his cheek, stroking his skin.

"I love you, Johnny.." You murmur quietly, still panting to get your lungs full of fresh hair.

"I love you too you little minx..." he says as he pulls you against his body. "Don't ever put yourself in danger again...you're mine to worry about now...and I dont want to see you dead.." his words were soft, full of love and concern.

"I won't" you murmur back, pressing against kiss to his cheek.

The two of you lay there silently for some time, basking in the after glow of your intimacy until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Keep it down next time you two" a rough voice could be heard through the door, Simon's. A deep blush grows on your cheeks as Johnny retorts

"Or just plug your ears!" He laughs out.

[foundfam2754]

S18e2 episode reactions!!

Spoilers…obviously

Okay so I already have a lot of thoughts going into this episode… because even though i swore to no spoilers I accidentally opened social media and saw a post…about what happens - and let me tell you, my heart dropped

I’m really not happy with this, but i hope they have a good story reason for this, he deserved better and i love him

I feel a little bummed going into this tbh

Okay but of course I’m still excited because beyond everything, i love this show

Ahh this is going to be JJ coded isn’t it

Okay this episode is going to be a big one

Omg they are giving us all this happy and domestic Tebecca to drown us with sadness later :((((((

They’re so adorable, fuck it, i can’t not like Rebecca anymore (didn’t trust her in s16)

Oh this is it

Ooh it took me 5 business days to realise they were ft’ing

I’m trying so hard to focus but i can’t think but about ‘IT’, what happens this episode

But voit first

OOOH sexy brooding Luke yes please

Ah come on, old story, bad guy is innocent when he wakes up from coma thing, feels a little overplayed, but if I know CME, this is going to be flipped on its head to shock us later

DR. OCHOA - THIS IS THE NEW GUEST STAR! Hello ma’am

DAD??????

I called it, little Elias sees Rossi as his dad

WAIT - is this why they need Spencer? Is this going to be a way to introduce him back? To help with Voit? Besides of course … what’s coming

AWW GREENVEZ (i love the Luke and Tyler’s bromance)

Oh god they paired Luke and Tara up so Luke and the doctor could have scenes right? Oh god, please let us have garvez at LEAST

This kind of interview is Tara’s wheelhouse right? I missed these scenes where you saw her academic prowess

Was that a sneaky smile, Elias? grr, i can’t trust you

Show him lee duval - that’s his real name, that’s what’s going to trigger something

He doesn’t remember stuff from Sicarius and post, he probably only remembers things from before he became Elias — that’s why he’s calling Papa Pasta “dad”

SECOND STREET??

Lukeyy you okay?

Angry Luke is hot

Look i don’t mind Tyler and Penelope scenes as long as we keep this platonic, friends

Penelope’s outfit is so cute

Is she the actor from ‘Cruel Summer’?

Yes! I just checked - she is

“Shitload of science” lol I love Emily

Dave after how many 1000 years of profiling do you not know that you should not promise anything?? LOOK AT JJ’S FACE SHE AGREES WITH ME

Um what is happening???

Oh, heck this is a scary as fuck episode

Dang, in the age of technology

“Little help”, meaning Elias???

How does Penelope find this?

Oh - okay, thank you Tyler

Oh god this is a jj season for sure

Woah — em looks so good! That blouse is so cute on her!

Did the hospital only give Elias….one pair of pajamas/sweatpants?

Elias is smarter than ANYONE gives him credit for - DEFINITELY knows what he’s doing

Go you ty ty, go you!! Contribute to that profile

Aww he’s kinda adorable asking questions

OOH they’re doing a likert but in person

This is so interesting

“Not anymore” well damn

they’re letting ty ty go own his own??

Oh frick there’s no way he’s going to be able to do this, he’s so new

Okay I’m scared so scared, it’s getting to the end of episode and the news is coming I’m scared

I kinda hope they do this without audio it’ll be more powerful

Oh god come on Penny, Luke and you are forever please

Aw she’s at least a good friend i can read that as platonic

OH fuck this is it

I’m so scared

Fuck fuck fuck

Oh that’s something else bad about JJ fuck

Oh okay thank god

Oh god no this is it

WILL?? They brought josh just back for this one moment to do this to him?

My babe im so scared

I’m so scared

FUCK WILL

WHY DID THEY DO THIS FUCK FUCK FUCK

I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS TEBECCA SCENE I KNOW WHAT’S COMING AND I’M SO DAMN SAD

There are too many emotional things happening right now and I’m so overwhelmed

Yay garvez in the same scene together - and yes, literal crumbs and i can’t even focus on it

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THEY DID THIS

AND LEFT US LIKE THIS I’m CRYING IN THE CLUB

😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

Poor JJ. Poor Henry. Poor Michael.

Poor me.

I honestly have to process this a little more and I’m going to come back with a longer thought out reaction this weekend

Until next time, friends.

RIP William LaMontange Jr. I love you, bud.

[gingermintpepper]

hi I love your tags so so much! they were so sweet and so interesting and creative and the whole Aphrodite type of beauty thing sounds really interesting do you have any articles and recommendations to read further into it??

-hogoflight

Hello my fine feathered (I am assuming possession of feathers if you are, indeed, capable of flight) @hogoflight! I'm always always happy to hear that people appreciate my frenzied rambling in the tags :D! I have a lot of articles and recommendations :D!! Ancient Greek notions of beauty and representations of it in their art and sculptures is a pretty well studied topic! There isn't any way for us now to know definitively what the beauty standard was (it varied widely from region to region and culture to culture after all) but here are a couple of my favourite reads about Aphrodite and what her representations tell us about idealised beauty!

Probably the most empirically extensive one I can list is Krönström's thesis which compares statues of Aphrodite and literary text referring to both the goddess and mortal women to determine physical ideals for women in five specific eras of Grecian antiquity. Including measurements of the statues there are many descriptions of Aphrodite as 'curvy' with a 'voluptuous figure' and with 'ample buttocks and bosom'.

"When the beauty traits are described in the texts, they are never extreme or anything that could not be found in normal people just that they are more beautiful in every aspect. Furthermore, the sculptures’ physical forms look healthy, they are tall and have distinct curves. Great examples of this are the Knida sculpture and de Milo (the Melian) sculpture."

Of course, these images are still idealised, and there was still a concept such as 'too fat' or 'too skinny' found in written records (and this thesis even includes analysis of pornographic writings and descriptions of the fashion and stylings of pubic hair of women from different regions!!) but from an interpretational standpoint? There is absolutely no reason why these can't refer to a fuller figure. Height was also a very important factor after all and over the course of many eras, it seems like being well proportioned in addition to the length and appearance of one's hair were the most important factors (and, like Apollo, greater beauty was given to those with curlier hair)

Mireille M. Lee's 'Other Ways of Seeing' essay which talks about the forgotten female viewers of Knidian Aphrodite which is also extremely illuminating on how Aphroditic sexuality and sensuality was perceived totally differently from the well documented male voyeuristic gaze (which was overly preoccupied with the statue's nakedness and therefore over-sensationalised the statue's physical appearance) vs women's perspective on the statue which is more centered on the beauty of simplicity in Aphrodite's garment and decoration and in her power and ability to captivate both in her finery and without it. I think it's especially useful in exploring the importance of finery, jewellry and adornment in representations of Aphroditic beauty.

"Some of the small-scale copies are heavily jeweled, especially those from the eastern Mediterranean, for example the Hellenistic gilded terracotta statuette in the Çanakkale Museum (Fig. 5) in which the goddess wears, in addition to the armband on her (right) arm, the following: a necklace with multiple pendants; cross-bands extending over both shoulders and hips, with a cascading pendant in the center; a coiled snake armband on the left arm and another snake on her left thigh, and a twisted anklet on her right leg. (The left leg has been restored, and might also have featured an anklet.)"

"Jewelry is especially associated with Aphrodite in Greek literature. As seen above, in the Homeric Hymn to Aphrodite, the goddess adorns herself with gold jewelry, dress-pins, and earrings in the shape of flowers (162–3)..."

Finally, and to me, the most important one in the argument for an interpretation of Hyacinthus as fat, beautiful and fundamentally Aphroditic comes from Brilmayer's brilliant brilliant thesis done on Aphrodite's work and influence in Archaic Greek Poetry which does away with all of that masculine preoccupation with physical proportion, measurement and bodily ideals for a focus on a Sapphic Aphroditic ideal centered in clothing, ornamentation and, most importantly cunning as symbols of Aphrodite and ultimately a feminine idealised form of beauty. This paper also discusses Pandora and Helen in these terms and it is just kind of a wonderful read tbh.

"Combining Homeric and Hesiodic elements with her own ideas, she [Sappho] alters the way female beauty is viewed. For example, the Homeric war chariot – a symbol of male, military prowess - comes to symbolise the totality of Aphrodite’s power uniting in itself male and female qualities. Having addressed the concept of beauty directly, Sappho then concludes that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. With the help of Helen of Troy and her beloved Anaktoria, Sappho sets out to reinvent the concept of female beauty as a godlike, subjective quality that may be expressed in many ways, yet remains inspired by Aphrodite."

The conclusion to all of this of course is that Aphroditic ideal beauty is much more fluid compared to its stricter Apolline masculine standard. The nuances and understandings of both are of course, constantly being studied, analysed and scrutinised but really, if Dionysus who was both bearded and clean shorn, effeminate, birthed and rebirthed (and twice gestated!) and strongly associated with vegetation can be popularly portrayed as fat and handsome, why can't Hyacinthus?!

[magicalmutants]

Every time my boss calls me “kiddo” my insides twist in this very complicated way. Sometimes with an older man you really gotta ask do I want you or do I want you to hug me and tell me you’re proud of me

[rexscanonwife]

Happy Mexican heritage day, by the way! Thanks to my whitewashed-ass mom I didn't grow up with that much of the culture, but I'm proud to be a part of it nonetheless!! 💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖🇲🇽💖

To celebrate I'm gonna imagine showing my f/os things from Mexican culture where applicable > u <

[nejackdaw]

Thinking about that time in our first campaign my character's dad (adoptive, a very important baron) almost died.

Apparently, he was supposed to. He was not supposed to survive contact with the lich. Don't even ask me how or why we got to the lich, genuinely all I remember is panicking because all of a sudden he had like five hit points and as the party schemer I had two thoughts that erased my awareness of everything else: (1) MY FUCKING DAD (2) THIS LICH IS GOING TO KILL US.

See, my job is finding ways to get us out of things, and as a wizard, I was well equipped to handle that. Except thought one, "MY FUCKING DAD," took priority over EVERYTHING ELSE. My little wizard was orphaned and down his only brother. This guy was all he had. His whole world. World's #1 dad.

... And the lich almost one shot him. He was collapsed on the ground and struggling for breath. This did not register as a cinematic moment to me because I was PANICKING. We roll initiative.

The lich rolls highest. I'm frantically looking through my notes to see what's available to me. Tries to kill me, too. Counterspell.

My turn. Throwing ALL CAUTION to the wind, plan only vaguely half formed, I run up to the baron and tell the DM I'm going to drag him back to the party.

"Your speed is halved from carrying him. You can't make it in 15 feet."

There's dead silence. Everyone is waiting for my response. Seconds of silence. "What are you going to do?" (DM speak for "please hurry up.")

"... I'm a tabaxi. I can make it in 30."

I double my movement speed and drag him back there anyway, to the confused relief of the party. Our sponsor (MY FUCKING DAD) is safe for right this second, but how are we going to fight a LICH?

"Anything else?"

"... I have a scroll of teleport in my bag. And I'm within 10 feet of everyone." Most importantly, I'd DUCKED BEHIND A WALL OF BARRELS AND CRATES so the motherfucker couldn't see me to counterspell.

There's dead silence for a few moments. The voice chat proceeds to blast my eardrums with excited cheering and laughing. The DM and I both pull up the spell. "Roll for it. Where are you going?"

"Home."

I roll a 99. We vanish from the lich's lair and are deposited, battered, bleeding, without guidance, in the charred, crumbled ruins of what had been the baron and I's residence. (It had not been that way until very recently. It was news to me.) There's relieved silence. There's an emotional reunion in what remains of our living room. I cast Tiny Hut in a defensible corner of the ruins after we all chat and we get what sleep we can.

(The DM would later confess that the baron wasn't supposed to survive and he had to change his plans now lol. We were supposed to be cut off from all resources at that point. My dad showed up in the final fight since he'd survived TWO murder attempts [ig the BBEG was the third lmao] and, well. I schemed then, too.)

[rabbitindisguise]

love and concur with the whole tag essay but I legit laughed out loud at this bit

ty for articulating perfectly the sentiment I feel about a lot of my childhood faves

Shout out to all those people obsessed with wings who read the entire Maximum Ride series because they convinced themselves the next book would be better but it just kept getting worse until you got to the end of the series and realized you would never recover the hours you lost forcing your way through it.

[aviawrites]

wait for me (sinners)

!s: smoke x female!oc

summary: Rue has worked for years to forget Elijah Moore and what he left her with before he ran to Chicago. But when she sees his ambitious twin in the square, all of their history comes rushing back. (3.1k)

a/n: it has been so long, but Sinners is truly a movie in its own category. i also need to preface that i am black for this story. anyway, as always, ur interaction is greatly appreciated, ily<3

warnings: swearing, n word use (by smoke and stack), mentions of child loss, abortion, sex, racism

in this story, our characters name is: Rue

Elijah Moore and I never had a complicated relationship. Hell, Smoke might even say we had none at all. But for years after he ravaged me in that car outside of the bar, I thought about him every night. We were together, I’d say — Boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as his grief consumed him. But the moment Annie found out, Smoke disappeared from my arms and was at her feet, begging for forgiveness. I don’t blame her, not in the slightest — I can only imagine that those were some of their darkest times.

Elias, on the other hand, him and I had a complicated relationship. When I found out that Smoke left a piece of himself in me, there was no way I could tell him, not after what he’d just been through. So I went to the closest thing to him, Stack. And although what we had is never to be considered romantic, there was something there — Familial, even. He knew it, Mary knew it, and for that very reason I was never allowed within an 100 foot radius of the twins until the day they left, not if I wanted to feel welcome.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

📍 Train Station || 12:00pm

The feelings from all those years ago bubble up inside me and form a twist in my gut when I see that all-too-recognizable burgundy top hat. My feet move before my mind can stop them, and in no time I’m approaching my old friend.

Stack flashes a gold toothed smile. “I’ll be damned.”

I return the nicety, pulling him in for a warm hug.

“Word spreads fast,” I nod. “Y’all still got the same appeal you had all them years ago.”

“You don’t have to tell me that, darling. I know it.” His cocky smile takes me back, the only thing differentiating him from his brother being his energy.

“Do I even want to know why you came back?”

“You heard it as good as I did,” he gestures toward little Preacher Boy and the old man. “We’re opening a Juke Joint tonight, right there down at the old mill.”

“Y’all never could stay still. Chicago wasn’t change enough for you?”

He shrugs. “Figured we should deal with a devil we know. Besides, we miss the tricking.”

“Mmm,” I hum. “Well if Miss Pearline back there is singing, I might just pay this Joint a visit.”

Stack looks past me and at the polka dottted woman walking away from Preacher Boy. 

“Shit, if that’s what it takes for you to come, it’s done.”

Always so charming.

He ogles me, his eyes scanning up and down my exposed arms.

“What’s this?” Stack rubs his fingers over the dark ink lining my skin — Art ranging from numbers to symbols to simple symmetric images. 

“You know I’m an artist, boy,” I pull my arm back, scoffing. “Figured I’d get a few permanent ones to remember a few things.”

“And you talking about we couldn’t stay still. I’ll be visiting to get a look at those paintings of yours one of these days.” Stack’s grin begins to fade as he looks over my shoulder. 

Preacher Boy walks up and nears his cousin. “This white woman’s been staring at you-“

“Yea, I see her…”

He shoos Sammie away and tries to walk me off, but I’m already well aware of what shark is in the water — I can hear her heels clicking behind me.

“Now is this Smoke? Or is that Stack?”

I turn my head. “Hi, Mary.”

No response. Only a rough shoulder check as she stands in front of me and nears Stack.

He looks over her head and at me. “I’ll holler at you, Rue-“

Mary interrupts. “No, you’re not talking to fucking Rue right now. You’re talking to me.”

Stack huffs, looking back down at the woman dressed in pink. I give him a ‘have fun dealing with that’look before turning and catching my train. 

Of all the women wrapped around the twins’ fingers, Mary has got to be the most spiteful of them all. For no good reason, though. Contrary to her belief, I never once slept with Stack, never even thought of it. But as far as she knows, I kissed him all the way to where the sun don’t shine, and then some.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

📍 Juke Joint || 10:00pm

This old mill has lit up under the construction of the twins. People hoot and holler as Pearline ignites the stage, turning into the musical beast I knew she would the minute she started singing. Having no dance partner, I simply clap along, moving my body to the beat alone. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the same damn burgundy hat that I saw only hours ago.

I can feel Annie’s eyes burning holes into my skull as I sit at the bar, Stack walking up to me.

“Now who the hell did y’all rob to afford this place? Ain’t this being sold from the Klan?” I shout across the bar, my voice being drowned out by Pearline’s Pale, Pale Moon.

Stack shakes his head. “Not klan, just crackers. You know we got money, girl. Don’t do that.”

“Yea, well blood money don’t count. So how much you got now?”

He pulls his pockets inside out, amusing me.

I chuckle, placing my money on the bar. “Y’all have blackberry bourbon smash?”

“I don’t know if I can do that for you…” 

His fake frown quickly turns into a grin as he takes the money, relaying my order to Grace.

“Fancy motherfuckers,” I mumble.

“What was that?” Stack eggs me on.

My eyes scan the bar, but all I can focus on is that hateful scowl on Annie’s face.

“I said all these women hate me.” 

Stack scoffs. “Only those particular women.”

‘That’s more than enough for me’ I think.

He leans in, his lips grazing my ear.

“You know none of these girls got shit on you, Rue. They ain’t half as strong either.”

A small smile grows on my face, matching Stacks. He goes to hand me back my cash, but I slide it back to him.

“I don’t need it,” I front.

“Yea, well me neither. So you gon’ fucking take it.”

I roll my eyes, pocketing the change and standing with my drink. I’ve barely made it away from the bar when cigarette smoke cascades from over my head. Instinctively looking up, I finally see him. 

Smoke stares down at me from the balcony with that hard expression he always wears. It’s so strange, seeing that rock solid glare. When we first met in a dingy bar on the side of a dirt Mississippi road, he hung his head low and seemed to always have glossy eyes. I didn’t believe him when he told me he was Smoke. When he fucked me that night, and many a nights after that, it was slowly — With passion, and often tears followed the act. But now his eyes are as dry as a dessert and they pierce a hole through mine. 

He takes another blow of his cigarette before turning his back to me, retreating into a room. I have no choice but to follow him, even if it’s just to get yelled at to go away as he did the last time we met. I take my time, downing my glass of bourbon as I walk up the stairs. I can’t pinpoint exactly why, but my heart thumps in my chest just before I open the door, all of the thoughts of what we could’ve had rushing back to my mind like they did eight years ago.

I enter the dimly lit room, closing the door behind me and leaning on it.

“Hello, Smoke,” I say lowly, unable to read his face.

“Why you here, Rue?” he grumbles, a roughness to his voice. “I’m already stressed the fuck out with this opening shit. Stack ain’t helping.”

“I don’t want no trouble. Just came for the music.”

“You being here is plenty trouble enough.” He scans my body the same as his brother, blowing his cigarette again. “You can’t find music no place else?”

“You want me to leave?” I ask honestly.

“Yea, I want you to leave. You think those women down there want you to leave too or are we acting stupid tonight?”

“They never even tried to like me, Smoke,” I sigh, my legs bringing me closer to him. I place my hand on his bicep, like I did all those years ago. “They got no idea what we had.”

He puts his hand on mine, pulling it off. “That was a moment of weakness, Rue. Whatever you think we had is gone now." 

I blink to avoid tears from forming. My first ever love, my first ever relationship being chalked up to a moment of weakness chips away at my heart. If it’s what he has to tell himself to dig out of the deep guilt he feels, so be it. But he won’t sit in front of me and act like what we had wasn’t real — Like it isn’t still there.

“So you're saying if the Juke was going good and Annie wasn't watching you like a hawk that you wouldn't entertain me? Wouldn’t consider us?"

Smoke shakes his head. “No, I really wouldn’t.” His brows furrow as he looks at me, seeming to remember a detail that he had previously forgotten. “And your cheating ass can take your business elsewhere.”

I can’t act surprised, not anymore. We allowed him to believe my infidelity as truth, Stack and I. Letting him think I went after his brother was easier than letting him know what Stack was really helping me do…At least it was in the moment. But as he stands in front of me now, I want nothing more than to ease his pain, calm his anger, and tell him the truth — Even if solely to stop him from loathing me so greatly.

“I didn’t cheat on you, Smoke.”

“Bullshit,” he stops me. 

“No, listen,” I step toward him. “I respected what you and Annie had, Smoke. I really did. And I understood that the loss of your baby caused you to make decisions that you might regret, even if that decision was being with me. So when you told me to leave you alone, I did. But I didn’t know if that still stood when I found out that we had a baby…”

The words feel odd coming out of my mouth. I tried so hard at the time to disconnect myself from it, calling the baby a thing inside my stomach rather than what it was: Mine and Smoke’s child.

His brows have smoothened out now and he’s actively listening, his eyes flashing from my face to my stomach and back to my face.

I continue. “I didn’t visit Stack all those nights to get at him. Smoke, I never wanted anybody but you. But God put it on my heart to give you and Annie peace, so we went at it alone. No one knew. He paid a few women to make the drink without telling them who it was for. It only took a few hours for the bleeding to start…”

My voice trails out. I’m unable to finish as flashbacks to that night replay in my head. My mama held me tighter that night than she ever had before…I hated Smoke that night more than I ever had before.

Tears line his eyes now.

He chokes on his words, his voice now much lower. “Don’t you lie to me, Rue…” 

“I wouldn’t lie, baby,” I assure him.

I hold my arm out for him, revealing the tiny footprint tattooed on my wrist, a small E underneath it. 

“We couldn’t be sure, but I had a feeling it was a boy. Ezra, I was thinking. Stack hated the name but…” I shrug. 

Smoke runs his thumb over the tattoo, holding my hand in his. He attempts to discreetly wipe his tears, but I see them all the same. Looking up at him, his face can only be compared to the face he made when we spoke about his late baby, which wasn’t often at all. A mix of anger, sorrow, and fear. 

Perhaps he’s considering what could have been, just like I used to — Just like I still do. I used to curse God for putting me in such a position. A second chance for Smoke to be a father, but at the worst of times. I’d have dreams of talking to a clone of myself, telling her that she owed it to Smoke to tell him about the baby. It’s only now that I really see the consequences of my decision.

Smoke looks at me, and then at the door. It’s as if a switch has flipped and he’s forced all of those emotions to turn into one…anger. He reaches for the door, but I lean against it.

“Smoke, it’s already done,” I tell him, holding my hand against his chest. “I just couldn’t take you hating me no more.”

“Move out the way, Rue,” he says, not hearing a word I say.

“I don’t want to cause a scene, Smoke. Please.”

“You think I give a fuck about causing a scene? Move out of the fucking way.”

“Smoke, it hurts enough as it is-“

“You’ve got one more time, woman.”

“There’s nothing we can do now!”

He wraps a hand around my arm, yanking me just enough to pull me away from the door and swinging it open. I run out behind him, but he’s already looking down the overlook.

“STACK!” he shouts down, the name echoing through the building. 

Everybody looks up, including Mary and Annie. Stack stares up at us, blowing smoke through his nose, before turning back to the crowd. He tells them to resume, nudging Sammie to keep playing. After a moment of silence and a few stray whispers, the music begins again and Pearline starts her singing. Mary holds Stack close, asking him not to go — But as always, the twins do what they want when they want. As Stack rounds the corner, I retreat back into the room, unprepared for what reaction he might have.

He’s barely entered before Smoke pins him against the wall, his forearm over Stack’s chest.

“The fuck?”

“Is it true?” Smoke demands, maintaning his cig in his pinning hand.

I close the door, shouting over the music. “Smoke, stop!”

He ignores me, continuing to press his brother. “Un uh, I asked you a question, nigga. Did you know she had my baby?”

Stack’s eyes shoot from Smoke to me. I can only nod, giving him permission to tell the full truth as I just did. Stack relaxes, putting his hands up.

“I only did it to protect you, mane.”

“The fuck does that mean?”

“You gon’ let me go so I can explain?” 

Smoke lingers before reluctantly letting his brother go with a shove. He puts a hand in his pocket, staring Stack down.

He gestures his cig at his brother. “Talk.” 

Stack smoothens his suit, lighting one of his own. “You know I don’t like that shit, Smoke-”

“Talk.”

He sighs, putting on a smile once more as he tries to explain calmly. 

“When y’all two broke shit off, we had no idea we were even going to Chicago, Smoke. Shit, I still thought you and Annie were gonna get married and buy you a house. Rue said you told her to stay away to make that happen, so I helped her stay away. Now we both know she’d never forgive you if you had a baby with another woman.”

“But my baby is none of your fucking business, Stack.”

“I was trying to give you a life, nigga,” Stack urges. “Annie is where that life was at. Fuck I look like throwing Rue back at you when you didn’t want her?”

“My baby, Stack.”

Guilt boils inside of me. I never allowed myself to entertain the idea of keeping the baby. There was no way I’d bring him into this world without a father, and Smoke had Annie, so I thought I had no choice. But seeing him blink back his tears now makes me second guess every moment that the baby was inside of me.

Stack thinks carefully about his next words, his smile having faded as he sees how serious his brother is taking this.

“I’m sorry, man,” he shrugs, his tone softer now. “I did what I thought was safest for all parties involved, you hear me?” 

Smoke is about to speak when a hard knock pounds the door. 

“Stack?” Mary’s familiar voice rings out from the other side.

“Now I gotta get back to the Joint.”

I hold my head low. “Bye, Stack.”

He heads toward the door, but not before turning to his brother one more time.

“We good?”

Smoke looks from me to Stack, giving him a small nod.

“Get out of here ‘fore I say no.”

Stack only smiles, swinging the door open. I stand beside him, greeting Mary.

“Oh my- Not this trifling bitch again, Stack.” She rolls her eyes.

“Come on, lay off, Mary.”

“I think you owe her a goddamn apology,” Smoke intervenes, standing behind me.

I mumble, “it’s fine, Smoke.”

Mary scoffs. “For the fuck what?”

“For how you been treating her all these years.”

“How I’ve been treating her? You’re the one who fucked her for a month before running back to Annie.”

“You best watch your mouth woman,” he blows smoke toward her. “It’s not too late to pay one of them bitches downstairs to drag your ass out.”

“I’d like to see you try, Smoke-“

“Alright,” Stack interrupts. “Let’s go.” 

He pushes Mary away before closing the door behind him. I assume my previous position, leaning against the door — a much thicker tension in the air now.

“If you hate me even more after this, I understand.” I break the silence. “I don’t blame you, I just couldn’t let the truth belong to me and him alone anymore.”

Smoke stares at his feet, deep in thought. It’s become increasingly harder to tell what this man is thinking. He drops his cigarette, stepping on it.

“Now why would you do that on these new floors-“

His lips are on mine before I can finish, his hungry hands pulling up my dress. It’s automatic, the way my arm wraps around his neck, my hand nearing his crotch. He begins kissing down my neck, but I pull away. He stares at me, eyes wide.

“This isn’t a moment of weakness, is it?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I don’t need a moment of weakness to do what I’m about to do to you.”

I smile, bringing his lips to mine once more. 

Annie will hate me if she finds out, she might hate Smoke even more. But like I told him before, she has no idea what we have. And if I want to fuck my sinner one last time in this Juke Joint, that’s exactly what I’ll do.