#Way less than in the past but thats bc we have been talking so intensely the last two years. So that act of me have dropped a lot. But i

[aropride]

thinking about therapy again bc i knowww i need to be in it. but i think one of my inarguable needs in a therapist is that they see me as an equal? i guess is the best way to put it. and thats not really something you can Ask it's more of a vibes based thing. but like. i hate playing stupid with doctors psychiatrists therapists etc i want to be like This is what im experiencing These are the resources ive looked into This is what i think is going on. where do we go from here. and like i know a fair amount about psychology and i dont want to have to pretend i dont. or for them to assume i dont. and like id look into peer support and stuff but i feel like thats more short term and less intensive than id need to unpack my childhood stuff. Oh i completely forgot to post and also finish typing this. anyway idk like what are even the chances of finding a provider in my area, who takes my insurance and is willing to work with me abt the copay, whose main modality isnt cbt, whos experienced in cptsd/dissociative disorders, and also who i click with as a person. idk. it feels completely hopeless lol and i know its not but like. maybe im fine rn like maybe i dont even need therapy really (least fine guy youve ever met voice)

but the other problem is i also need like, a social worker who isnt school-related and extremely overworked (god bless her tho omg) bc i need a lot of help getting like, case management and applying for disability etc. and just normal therapy isnt gonna help me when i also need those things. but i feel like most long term therapists arent also social workers and vice versa

and i dont even know what modality would be helpful for me. i know dbt WAS when i was younger, but now i know like. the basics, ive learned the coping skills etc. so idk if it would still be helpful? and i know like, somatic focused therapy or whatever would probably be helpful, because actually understanding what my body was doing and why and how that effects my mental health has been really helpful in the past. but also i feel like a lot of somatic therapists are... whats a nice way to say this. like a lot of the ppl ive seen either on like psychologytoday etc or on instagram reels are. the type of guy to buy dreamcatchers on shein and use cherrypicked parts of other cultures without understanding their cultural context. and, like, try to cure my dissociative disorder with reiki or something. Sorry im thinking abt the therapist i had in early 2020 now

idk i just dont really know what to look into even. bc ive heard good stuff from a friend abt emdr but im skeptical of emdr like, casually. like i havent tried it and i dont know a huge amount about it, but on the surface it kinda sounds like bullshit- yeah just look between these lights and think about stuff and thatll fix you. but i also understand how repetitive movement can be calming (#autism) and it makes sense that being exposed to those memories and also in a safe place would be helpful? and i like that u dont have to talk abt the traumas in depth out loud. but i also feel like thats more for single-event traumas or at least trauma that u like, remember

and i feel like being able to talk out loud abt stuff would help me. like having another person to bounce my thoughts off of whos not like. a friend. and is able to deal w that kind of thing. and is also paid to do so. And can also help me like. recognize when im being insane. but also Wont assume im being insane and that all my thoughts are fucking cognitive distortions

idk its just exhausting trying to figure out What i even want from therapy other than to Feel Better and stop losing entire months of my life sometimes and to be able to like. make phone calls and talk to people and not feel evil and insane all the time. and to be able to live away from my parents and have a life, whether that involves Employment or not. one of my short-term goals in therapy w a long term therapist would explicitly be to decide my long term goals and how i'll know i met them. bc i think talking abt the therapeutic relationship w my therapist up front is something that would benefit me. due to the avoidance.

idk. wgat everrrr.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

I just finished season 4 and unlike with the others I didnt have a whole lot to say as a was watching, mainly because I was actually enjoying myself and thought the season was mostly really good ? absolutely wild. Nevertheless I have some thoughts

I LOVE Alya and Marinette working together, its a delight. When I talk about "man can you imagine if MLB did like a magical girl show and focused on female friendships instead of catfighting" THIS is what Im talking about!! And Idgaf about how this affects the Love Square at this point, this is all Ive wanted! Also, I feel like Alya and Nino knowing each others identities cheapens the Love Square conflict more than anything but I cant fully articulate why so I'll just leave it at that

The Love Square is in a very strange place where, when the identity reveal finally does happen, its simultaneously going to feel like its too little too late (a la the destiel confession bc this fucking show is just straight queerbaiting) and rushed because like. what kind of development is there between these two. They barely focused on romance this season (which is definitely part of why I think its better lol) but I dont mean that in the sense that we had less catfights and Marinette making a fool of herself for no reason, I mean that in the sense that it barely felt like they interacted at all, atleast to me so thats kinda odd

In the past Ive complained about how the civillian plotline usually feels very disconnected from the superhero/akuma plotline and I think theyve done a much better job, my favorite episode of the season is probably Qilin both for tying the akuma into the civillian plot and for having a somewhat unique conflict resolution. In general, I liked that we had people rejecting akumas as well as preventative measures in form of the charms, although I do think it sucks that a few episodes afterwards Shadowmoth just figures out a way to circumvent them and then its back to business as usual. I feel like a better workaround would be that the charms can only protect you from one akumatization each, so like, the charm Ladybug gave her grandfather in Simpleman can only protect him from becoming Simpleman again, but if he turns into Bakerix, she needs to give him a different charm. But I do find the charms cute

The new heroes all suck tbh, the only design I liked was Purple Tigress and Pigella came close to looking kinda good but then they made it this intensely unflattering shade of pink, which I find impressive because Rose is already wearing an completely different intensely unflattering shade of pink in her civillian form. One thing that I appreciated about whatever Mylenes superhero form is called, Pigella and Purple Tigress is that they had more justifiable reasons for Ladybug to pick them than most of the heroes in the last season, who were mostly just picked because They Were There ig. And then Penealteam rolled around and we were back to doing exactls that kind of bullshit. great.

Also, Ive already talked about this in a seperate post, but if they absolutely insisted on looking for a replacement for the Bee, it shouldve been Sabrina and they shouldntve invented a whole new character for it

Adrien got a little more focus this season and we actually got some insight into his character when hes not either The Object Of Marinettes Idolization or Ladybugs Punny Sidekick Thats Slowly Becoming Obsolete which I enjoyed because he has a lot of potential from a dramatic standpoint what with being Hawkmoths son and all, but hes usually so bland that I dont really care too much so this was pretty nice. And it only took us 4 seasons for him to get some focus, yknow, the other superhero in the title? Well better late than never I guess

Speaking of Adrien, Ive made quite a few posts where I said that this season would be ruined for me the second the Sentiadrien reveal happens but it never did, we're getting that in season 5 and I am not looking forward it especially considering the small taste Ive already gotten of it with Adrien being very obviously controlled by that ring. Like, I'll probably talk about it in more detail when it gets fleshed out in the show but for now I'll just say it doesnt make the stakes higher like the writers seem to think, it make the story wayyyy less interesting and it feels like its supposed to be an explanation for Adriens behaviour towards his father when we absolutely do not need one beyond "hes being abused"

I know I said that I thought this season was really good and now Im just just complaining mostly like I always do but idk, Im not as good at formulating my positive thoughts as my negative ones. The last thing I'll say is that I loved Scarabella and I loved her design and I loved the whole episode she was in, as well as the entirety of Sentibubbler, Alya really served this season

Thats it, thanks for reading :D

[mrfoox]

Ok new theory as to why I seem to have liked and trusted Oliver since the beginning: he's an fellow chameleon and I could just feel it and relate at once

[swtchaeos]

Atots Final Overall Thoughts

I have had a few days to think and breathe after finishing the show so i'm back to write my "whole serie overall" section because it does deserve one so i can come back on some stuff and add more. I've taken a few notes through the days when i remembered particular elements i wanted to discuss in this. It will be long, i will try my best to make it feel organized but i can't promise it will be mostly because my thoughts are messy. This won't probably be chronological as the past reactions were but i'll try my best to make it make somewhat sense, if not well excuse me.

I'll get started with production, location and everything scenery related that needs to be adressed, that i really haven't talked about much before (my apologies). All the production choices on location were so beautifully made and it's part of the view series that just get you to completely dive in into that world just from scenery. The Pha Pun Dao village and all those chosen locations like the Pha Pun Dao Hill or the waterfall, as it becomes a place of growth for Tian and a place he can call home, it becomes for the viewer a place they get attached to. Those roads, the school, the hill, the waterfall, all feel by the end of the show places you know and feel the warmth of. So many shots of the village are engraved into my brain because of how beautiful they were. The view from the hill just takes your breath away and makes you feel small and amazed at the beauty of the world when you are just watching on a laptop screen on your couch or bed. I've dived into that little village world, got attached to the people and to the place itself and by the end of it, when Tian left, it felt like i was leaving that place i had never been in and still somehow felt sad i wouldn't get to see that again. Every part of it felt really genuine and you can see through it the intend of the producers, directors and overall the work of all the team through the shots and atmosphere of the show. Did it make me want to go there ? Yes. Will i end up going ? Probably not. Will i make up for it by making sure i have at least one looking up at the stars, counting them and talking date in my lifetime ? (yes it's close enough to me) Absolutely (once i find anyone up for it).

I feel like going on from the village and scenery i have to know acknowledge characters and actors starting with talking once again about Tian's character development. If there is one thing i have been pleasantly surprised with, it's Tian's growth and journey. It's a journey to self-worth, happiness, forgiveness in himself and i'm certain that reflects and parallels to Mix's actor journey given it was his acting debut. I have spoken plenty of time about his growth, the way he acknowledged his feelings and doubts, made sure to express them and was able to find happiness, prosperity and good health (especially mental health) through the love and unity of that place he's able to call home by the end of the show. I have to admit i really wasn't sure about his character at the beginning of the show but the way they handled his development and growth made it worth the wait.

Phupha on the other hand still has stuff to work on. You can feel he'll still have to learn and grow within himself to be able to find a middle ground between his words and his actions. Despite everything, the last episode still showed him protective of himself and the people he cares for, which isn't bad but still showed contradictions between what he was saying and the way he was acting. I got less attached to the character of Phupha than of Tian's because of the way it's written. There are things about his personality and actions i don't particularly agree with but it doesn't make him awful. Phupha's character has depth and is hard to understand. We have seen that from the misunderstanding going on, but he didn't really have the opportunity to grow and evolve his mindset in the serie meaning he stayed true to himself even at the end, which really contrasts with how much of a development Tian got.

Going onto Phutian as a couple. Those two definitely have chemistry, there is no doubt. If you've read all my reactions you know how much i talked about the cliché aspect of their relation at the very beginning. The passing out and getting caught in the arms of the other, the intense stares that go on for way too long, the coming up behind the other to help him do something (tie the mosquito net here) or the "hold me tight" moment on the motorbike, honestly starting with all those romance clichés i was genuinely scared about being able to acknowledge their relation as cute and genuine when most we were fed was romance clichés. But those two genuinely developped a bond and had chemistry through the playful "fights" and smirks, or heartfelt conversations, their chemistry doesn’t come from those romance drama clichés but it was more them aside of that that really convinced me there was more to it. Despite the whole "it's my duty" drama, it was obvious that they both care for each other but that Phupha's ways of expressing are more intricate which added to the communication issues make the whole ups and downs of their relationship. What would have been great though is giving more dimension and acknowledging the differences in their love languages. You can clearly see the characters have different love languages and that Phupha's is the root of his tendency to protect himself as well as protecting people around him. This was more subtle and i feel implied but it's also a source of confusion and what brought conflict to Phutian's relationship and did not really get resolved.

I want to quickly mention how much i appreciate that Tian's growth and happiness did not come entirely from Phupha but more from the place and everyone he was surrounded by, as well as himself. I hate the whole dependance trope so i was happy it wasn't huge part of that, as much as side characters tried to push it onto the couple.

As i'm talking Phutian but props need to be given to EarthMix for bringing them to life the way they did. The chemistry between them was splendid. Also i'll touch on it now because i'm talking acting skills but those damn eyeshift and microexpressions were everything. When, during the first episodes, i was very much not convinced by the intense stares, i found them more and more endearing by the end of it because of Phutian's eyeshifts when staring at each other. Those made me feel both so single and warmed my heart very much. I said it in the reactions but i'm not one to notice people's eyes especially not first thing. But those eyeshifts made it so that my attention was brought to their eyes and as much as i don't believe in the "i could see it in their eyes" a lot was conveyed through those.

If i was to talk about all characters in details in that show i’d still be here in 10k words and i don’t think that’s great so i’ll just say that the whole cast was amazing, so good and that no i don’t forgive Dr. Nam.

Briefly, I need to mention my villain origin story : not even one acknowledgement of Phupha, Yod, Rang and Dr. Nam that they knew about Torfun’s death to the village. I would guess they did it "off screen" in a way if it was a real village but for the show not to get that acknowledgment was to me a big deal. Tian acknowledged his mistake of not saying it and payed the price for it even holding too much responsibility on himself. Both Phupha and Tian made that mistake here of not telling anyone, out of fear and love, out of fear then love. And not once, not once are we seeing Phupha acknowledge he made the mistake too. Thats probably one of the reasons i hold disappointment on the growth of Phupha’s character. Tian miscommunicated bc of his view of himself, his self worth being at its lowest in reason to the responsibility of the death he felt, that’s understandable. Phupha didn’t act on Tian’s words right away saying he knew too because of that added factor of feeling betrayed, and learning the man he loves "killed" the woman he sees as a sister, that’s understandable. I also completely get that Phupha and the three others didn’t tell the village right away, as they were grieving, holding onto one’s shoulder the responsibility of announcing a family member’s death (basically family) is a lot. But not giving Phupha a redemption arc in the eyes of the village and for Tian, feels to me like a treason. I know i’m only saying Phupha in here but i also am not forgetting the implication of Rang, Yod and Dr. Nam. Just one scene. That’s all i was asking for. One scene of redemption to make people understand that they all made mistakes.

Going back to stuff i talked about before because it needs to be brought up again, BGM and OST. Phenomenal. It played such a huge part in the show. And not only the OST or the music that’s part of the story. That BGM all throughout the show was splendid and i can genuinely say it’s probably what made me fall for the show. I know, bold statement there because seeing how long this post is getting, there is a lot that is amazingly done in that show. The music was just THAT great.

As for predictability that i touched upon in past reactions it wasn’t that bad that i knew everything that was gonna happen in the show, i’m not that much of a psychic to guess the whole story. But with what you are given throughout the show, it is quite easy to figure out the way the show is heading. I made numerous calls (out loud to myself, while watching, what about it) and maybe one wasn’t right. Out of the whole show. Maybe i have watched too many shows, am able to catch on hints quickly or maybe it’s cause in the back of my head i knew i was gonna write-react to it so stayed really focused. All in all it was slightly predictable and i’m pretty sure the producers and writers give loads of hints and details so that the story makes sense. Overall yes, i was able to guess a lot of how it would unravel which as someone that loves being right made me happy. But i do also like when shows are slightly less predictable so that he catches me off guard.

Also the substory/sidestory was amazing.

i’ll wrap things up here i think i said a lot. Was the best show ever written ? Certainly not (sorry). Do i still find some stuff wrong about it ? Sadly yes. But do i think it’s a great step and still liked it ? Absolutely.

It was different. It is a step in the right direction, away from the toxicity in relationships, awful plot lines and underlying homophobia. I’ve said it plenty of times before but this show was so human-like which made it so touching especially when you’re a human with a lot of empathy. The emotions, the mistakes, the self-worth,... so much you can relate and get attached to. I like to sigh about communication issues but i can’t deny it’s such a human thing and engraved in our society trait not to communicate enough or correctly. But seeing a show showcasing growth and progress in communicating is what i want to see. Stuff is lacking yes but so much is great that it can’t go un-ackowledged. So overall, would i recommend a tale of thousand stars ? Definitely.

And Oli, thank you.

[usertoxicyaoi]

First of all I completely disagree with everything you guys have been saying about Sarawat. Nobody is at fault but the issue here is Tine's insecurities. Pam's text was a hello so how could Sarawat have been lying and texting her? Also Tine was the one imaging scenarios in his head while browsing through Pam's ig, something he didn't need to do. Also Sarawat can't force Tine to talk, he asked him several times to tell him what's wrong and he refused to. Wat also stayed up all night which is /1

how he knew that Tine stayed up listening to music but like I said Tine didn't want to talk so what exactly do you guys expect him to do? Even the next day Tine STILL didn't want to talk and it was only till Sarawat abandoned band practice to take care of Tine and asked him again what was wrong which is when Tine told him how he felt about Pam. Wat explained the situation to Tine even pointing out he doesn't see Tine and Pam as similar to each other and his little joke at the end was just to /2

lighten the mood and make Tine feel better, which he did, not to dismiss his feelings. As for the song, it's probably the same as the video Tine thinking it's one thing and it being another. I don't understand how if Sarawat doesn't completely deal with Tine's insecurities, he's his boyfriend not his therapist, and Tine assumes stuff then that means Sarawat is an evil demon who has wronged Tine in the worst way. No one is wrong here people just need to talk. /3

hiii anon!!! wow okay. urm. so.

firstly, i’m sorry. i hold my hands up and i wanna apologise not just to you, but anybody else who i may have offended yesterday by saying how disappointed i was with sarawat in ep 12 and how he felt written really badly for me to the point where it irked me bc it felt like glimpses of novel! wat were peaking thru him in ep 12. but i’ve slept on it, and i’ve calmed down now. but yeah, i am still really sorry for what i said. 

and its fine that you disagree and its absolutely okay for you to do so. you saw wat in a very different way than i did. thus, my interpretation was a total 180 from yours. 

that being said, its ..... a sensitive issue. tine’s insecurities are a sensitive issue. yes, sarawat isn’t his therapist or counsellor. he is his boyfriend. and i feel like, if i were in that position, it would worry me if my s/o kept on hiding things from me, only for me to constantly find yet another ambiguous thing, and when i ask them for an explanation, they panic and freeze and just ... evade. especially if that happens not just once, but again and again. then, do you really blame tine for overthinking things? lets leave his insecurities out for a second, lets say he wasn’t insecure. even then, would you really blame him for being in the wrong if he overthought? 

now here’s where tine has been a bit more quicker to react, in that he eventually, within that same ep, plucks up the courage to ask wat directly. and within that same ep or directly onto the next one, things get resolved and wat explains himself. so they do communicate. 

but this time, its not just a simple issue. its not just a video, or a song. its a person. a first love. a past thats come to the present of which tine had very little idea on. handling that is a very different issue than to handling a video or a song being hidden from you. and what heightens it for him is that wat referred to her as his “first love”. not even a crush, but a “first love”. and pam says to him “she loves him back”. now obviously, we know that wat doesn’t love her. a ‘first’ love doesn’t mean the ‘only’ love. but couple that with tine’s already failed dating history, where his s/o has left him everytime, due to which he now feels he isn’t worth it, along with the fact that pam is quite literally a reflection of him in many ways, yet different from him too. what else is tine supposed to feel other than “second best yet again”. 

now, like you said. the issue here is tine’s insecurities. you’re right - it is! bc this whole show is from tine’s perspective, so of course, all the issues and faults relate back to him and his way of perceiving and reading things. he either reads too much into it or doesn’t at all. its what insecurities do - they mess up and warp your perception into 2 very radical and polar opposite ends, one thats too intense and deep and one that is hollow and vacant. 

now, i’m gonna say what i said yesterday. though this is sarawat’s first relationship, from what we know and can see, wat LOOKS and APPEARS to be the more secure one in the relationship from the two, partly bc he has had that year to stew over his feelings for tine, and this was when he didn’t even know if he’d see tine again. and now that he’s with tine, its more or less everything he’s ever wanted, given to him. but tine’s not had that time. all he’s had is failed relationship after failed relationship. but also, just bc sarawat has now, in tine, what he has always wanted, doesn’t mean its plain sailing. sarawat didn’t know tine came with such a huge amount of emotional baggage with him. 

and yes sarawat has tried. he tried again and again yesterday to reach out. and i commend him for it. but now is the real crucial time for sarawat to learn who tine is, and help him unload that emotional baggage - not do it for him, but help him. not as a therapist or counsellor, but as his significant other. 

and in doing that, he can’t make light of the situation. which, ya know, you found it as him tryna cheer tine up, but i didn’t. i found it rude and inappropriate. and thats okay. you have your view, i have mine. what also needed to happen here was, not sarawat saying that “he claims tine and that tine belongs to him”. no. go back to ep 11, where sarawat said to tine “i’d like to be with you for longer than 10 years”. something like that was what tine needed to hear then. something that mentioned stability and longevity, something he hasn’t had before ever in a relationship, not possessiveness. but of course, that’s just me being very nit picky so ... feel free to ignore that.

and the thing is, ya know what. in all of this. tine is gonna beat himself up more than anything and anyone else. he won’t even lash out that badly at sarawat, more so than he will beat his own self up for it. for being “dumb and silly and stupid and not enough and just a shadow and a failure”. he’s done it before, he will do it again. he won’t even feel the need to see sarawat as a demon. he loves him too much for that. and thats also another problem. 

he sees sarawat as this entirely perfect person. i dont wanna say that he puts him on a pedestal, but bc other people do, it doesn’t help in his perception of seeing sarawat as being this too good of a person thats somehow ended up falling in love and being with him. that’s tine lack of self esteem speaking. and thats something they’re both gonna have to talk about. 

these things arent just gonna go away. they’ll lie dormant, then flare up, then lie dormant again. what they can do though, like you mentioned, is talk. not as therapist-patient, but as 2 people, as equals, in a relationship. tine is gonna have to learn to open up and trust wat and change his perception and see that wat is human and that he isn’t perfect and that he is just as much of an equal part to this whole relationship, and wat’s gonna have to learn to not keep things secretive from tine and make tine see that he in fact is human and not perfect and just be more empathetic towards tine’s insecurities and low self esteem.

but thats easier said than done.

[otterplusharchive]

hey, ur a really comforting presence so: i’m bpd, and i’m online friends with a fellow bpd person, and i haven’t been chatting as often in our gc for the past couple of days (or maybe weeks, idk) bc i just got a bf and i’ve been spending a lot of time with him, and i know it upsets them when i don’t speak as frequently to them as i often do (understandably), but today in particular they made a tumblr post after i’ve been talking p frequently in the gc “I’M BEING REPLACED” and after i liked the post they rbed it with the comment “OMG FUCK YOU” and idk if it was directed towards me, but now i’m so scared that i just lost a good friend and loved one. pls make me feel better, i’m sort of wigging out atm lmao

hm honestly this sounds like a really unhealthy response from your friend, i totally understand where they might be coming from with different neurodivergency brain stuff and the intense fear of being replaced but that still doesnt excuse them acting like that instead of like.. actually bringing whatever is bothering them up with you?

like if theyre upset with you or are worried about your friendship they should be communicating about that with you upfront and like i get that bringing stuff up and talking about feelings is hard but again the way theyre responding to this just isnt healthy.

like you as a person are allowed to spend time with other friends and are allowed to spend time with your boyfriend and the idea that you have to constantly be in communication with one person or a group chat every day isnt always realistic or healthy. like its good and healthy to have a life outside of ur groupchats and you SHOULD actively have a life outside of online stuff.

thats not to say that the ppl ur friends with online are somehow less valuable thats not what i mean at all friends that u meet online are just as meaningful and impactful in ur life as friends that u meet irl, the friends ive met online who i talk to online genuinely mean the world to me and i care about and love them a lot, what im saying is that its good to be not completely dependent on being online 24/7 and its perfectly normal and reasonable to sometimes not be talking in ur groupchat or with a friend because hey! life happens! and that doesnt mean that u care about them any less its just that you have stuff going on and thats normal in life and its weird to expect you to be online all the time and able to talk non stop.

i really think you should confront this friend about this and talk about how you feel. i know thats scary and that it sucks but really i dont think its good to just be ignoring or dancing around it since they seem upset but dont seem like theyre wanting to be the one to bring things up.

i know that the idea of losing a friend is scary especially when you care about that friend or have been thru a lot with them, but honestly if this friend isnt willing to communicate with you and understand that youre allowed to have relationships with other people while still caring about them than i dont think that its a good friendship for you to be holding onto because thats just not healthy.

sometimes we care about people but we grow more than they do or theyre unwilling to try and do better and we have to move on for our own health and well being and it hurts but it happens. im sorry, this situation sucks but i hope youll be able to communicate with the friend and work something out. if you talk with them please remember to assert your boundaries, youre allowed to spend time with your boyfriend and other friends and that in no way diminishes your friendship or love for this other friend

[theinterloper]

moreeeee stuff about Hearthians’ reproduction, early evolution and... ghost matter! very much not solid theories and just idea to expand the world for Hearthains

gonna try and get into multiple parts of Hearthians in order to pull it all together that makes some more sense. obviously theres a lotta fiction ideas here, playing on existing things we know about biology! i try to take some of that to compare or use as examples to any new ideas i bring in here.

also dont be confused if these conflict with the previous post, consider it “over writing” my previous post in ways, bc that post was for stuff i wrote over a week ago! initially and ultimately the asexual reproduction i wanted to describe doesnt exist in our standards of science and additionally the terms we have dont make sense for my ideas, so some things have been added and adjusted to maybe sound better lol.

Early Evolution and genetics

Hearthians when living in the water, reproduced asexually like many small aquatic creatures. we are talking waaay far back, probably up to or before the Nomai discovered them. this isnt exactly common (by our standards) for a species that evolved into mammals, but i will get more into that here. 

now, i cant describe what i want to say with terms like “vertical/horizontal gene transfer” because its a bit too strict and if anything its a whole new thing- but i imagine Hearthians, as asexual/sexual mammals, had a larger gene pool that allows them to put in and pull out genes from a previous generation that are left within their own dna. this isnt completely illogical (i think, but also its fiction so,) like, compare this in a sense to HGT where a bacteria could take in a gene from outside and pass it onto a clone of itself in order to have genetic variation..... this is just to a kind of different and larger scale.

Hearthians way back would mostly produce asexually in this way because it wouldnt require another creature and was faster. but they still had the option to mate with each other and would do so from time to time. hearthians produced a lot of offspring- but the present day Hearthians’ small numbers is due to the fact that many cross bred with other aquatic life or died off due to lack of food. sub species did not evolve into sapient life or they too went extinct over time. 

Hearthians apparently took around 281,042 years to evolve as this is the length of time that the sun station has been offline- so lets just round that up to 300k years of evolution... to be a little more clear about the games’ somewhat lenient science fiction, it look humans around 6 million years to evolve (science summarizes it takes around 1 million years for an animal to evolve to where most are today). i say this to add onto more theories/headcanons, because thats a short span of time... 

so, what if... hearthians mutated a lot more than normal? what if the ghost matter explosion caused mutations/its energy mutates the genes of Hearthians and additionally made them evolve faster? what if their genes are just fucked up a bit?? not to the extent of grotesque mutated monsters. minor things, like more gene variation or messing up their existing gene pool way more.

my ideas lean on Hearthians having been affected by the ghost matter in the middle of their evolution, when the comet exploded. this game has a lotta good timing/fate stuff with the Hearthians being left to discover the Nomai’s unfinished trail and this point gives another addition to the whole story. the Nomai were quite risky and almost too ambitious with their search and imo i feel they like wouldve failed if they truly attempted the ATP back then, so by fate they “had” to die by the Interloper/ghost matter or else You never wouldve been successful at finding the eye. in a sense and the ghost matter in some way had a hand in your species evolving in time for the end of the universe. 

Effects of Ghost Matter

its hard for me to again give real science on how the ghost matter would affect the Hearthians, bc it not real real science. but basically while Ghost Matter kills anything not in water, i imagine it killed everything due to some sort ‘radiation’ kind of energy. not nuclear radiation but, radiation of some kind that is effected by water. probably not a “real” thing in terms of stuff that exists in our world.

the initial explosion was so intense that while it didnt kill the Hearthians under water, it still effected them regardless. it ‘tainted’ the land, plants, water and their molecular structure with its radiation. and with their large gene pool, lets just say it permanently fucked up their genes a bit and that huge leap in change continues to affect them. it also supported their ability to evolve quickly. the ‘radiation’ dies down over time though, but left an effect on them.

plants. this is just an idea i formed on a whim after hearing Porphy mention that Hearthians evolved by eating “lots of bad things”. i imagine personally that plants “reacted” to the ghost matter- they did not “die” like living mammals died from the matter due to whatever energy it was, but evolved to its explosion as a “threat”. the explosion and ghost matter was detected by the plants as a threat to them/their life and they evolved into being dangerous/poisonous. so hearthians grew in a planet that had very dangerous plants but they too evolved to a hardened stomach and could withstand the many minor protective measures the plants formed.

Sex/reproduction stuff. i dont consider this “NSFW” its just sciencey talks! talking about genitals though! please dont proceed if under 16, preferably. also slightly reformed ideas on the previous headcanon post, as i have added much more to my ideas!

As hearthians evolved, they grew into land mammals and with their size, asexual reproduction was not as convenient. it wasnt about the genetics, as those were fine mostly, but the energy it takes to do so. in terms of evolution it was a poor device as they evolved into land mammals, because it barely happened and it drained the parent of their nutrients- they were not producing a lot of offspring and thi danger meant they could go extinct. at the point where hearthians were evolving to land, it was impractical for them to lay an egg more than once/twice in their life. 

asexual reproduction isnt completely gone, just that as they grew larger physically it was deemed less ideal by evolution standards to do it as much as they did when they were tiny little things in the water. mostly with their gene transferring abilities, their reproduction still has some level of variance that fluctuates in extremes depending on the gene pool the parent personally has or if other stored sperm exists. 

they were always equipped with organs for reproduction, but that were not used much within their early evolution. internally, Hearthians have “eggs” that are fertilized by “sperm” to create an embryo. Said “sperm” also is attached to an internal organ that does physically move in order to reach the egg. this organ can be seen from the entrance of the vagina during the period of self-fertilization. eventually said organ was used externally as it became more clear that hearthians needed a more reliable/less exhausting method of reproduction. 

self fertilization isnt always successful due to literal failures to fertilize physically (incorrect position, dead sperm, etc) which is why the two times in which an egg is created this way may not even create a live embryo, thus this method being ultimately unreliable for the Hearthians to thrive.

mentioned before- due to their old more common asexual ways, they experience a “cycle” for reproduction. it is typically once or twice in their life and occurs over the span of almost a year. within this period is the highest success rate for fertilization (usually mid way through). 

adding onto the gene transferring nonsense, a Hearthian’s past abilities to store old genes from their days of constant asexuality becomes relevant in their partner sexual reproduction as well. when mating with another Hearthian, the one being inserted into will store the other’s sperm/genes regardless of whether or the creation of an egg is intended, which is what their hgt/vgt-like gene transferring did many times in the past as they evolved. this does in fact allow them to store sperm of multiple donors, to mix together genes when fertilizing an egg. it is not the sperm they store, but the genes within a sample of sperm.

[doyouevenshipbr0]

Fairy Tail Unpopular Opinions

HI LOL

ok so. im taking this idea from @mika-milano bc their post was very well written, entertaining, and just a rly good idea. so check their post out!:) and thank u for the idea!

and now. a disclaimer.

so im 19 now. i started watching fairy tail when i was 14. this show has been very near and dear to me for a long time. it was one of the first anime i ever watched, and it has my favorite all time ship (gruvia ofc). also i would kind of be lying if i said that most of the reason i still keep up with the manga and show wasnt bc of gruvia. bc it is lol. but. it DEFINITELY has its flaws. and here r some of my opinions on them.

1. so much doesnt make sense

ok listen lol. i think we can all say that its kind of obvious when mashima hasnt thought things through or just pulls things out of his ass out of nowhere. i dont wanna go too in detail about this because if im being honest, there is a lot that i just flat out don't remember. what i can remember is that as the story continued to go on, things seemed to make less and less sense.

2. the best arc is the tower of heaven arc

wow ok. i cant really tell u why i love this arc so much. but i do. im not even a jerza or erza stan (i love them both, but like not my fav pairing or character by any means). but idk. something about this arc was so intriguing, intense, emotional, and just enjoyable to watch. seeing the depths of erza's background and her relationship with her past, jellal, natsu, and the rest of the guild was just amazing. idk why this arc sticks out so much to me, but it really does.

3. lisanna shouldve stayed dead

now this one isnt even bc i hate lisanna or anything. i like lisanna! i even like nali! (not as much as nalu but still). her death had such a great impact on her siblings, natsu, and the rest of the guild and watching them all have to grow past it was incredible (especially for mira and elfman!). and then they just brought her back. not only did they bring her back, but they brought her back for NO REASON! she just became another side character! when she came back to life she had no further impact on ANYTHING! and it made the whole "natsu's childhood love/bestfriend" thing seem so much less important and way more fake.

4. more ppl jus shouldve died overall

with this one im mostly just talking about makarov. but still. waaaay too much death bating. like they died and then magically came back to life. too much of it. felt like nothing was ever really at stake. im saying this but like if juvia had actually stayed dead i would have thrown a FIT lol

5. i wanted more of cana and gildarts

thats it. all i really have to say ab this one. they r cute and i wanted to see more<3

6. juvia is underrated

ok now i am SUPER fucking biased lmao. bc juvia is the BEST character in fairy tail imo. but like come on! she's beautiful, loving, smart, sweet, powerful, funny, badass! shes perfect! and shes waaaay stronger than everyone thinks she is smh. clearly she is the best choice to stan.

7. lucy is overrated

ok look. i like lucy! kind of! idk man shes smart and nice and cute but like. not as powerful as everyone thinks. she's definitely one of the most developed in terms of her strength FOR SURE but still. not very strong. and her character just aint for me:/ sorry!

8. levy should be a lot stronger than she's portrayed

it seems like for some reason since shes small that also means shes weak, but like, that just aint it. solid script magic should be really sick and she should kick ass way more than she does especially for how smart she is but no. mashima always makes her the helpless one:/ rly sad bc i like levy a lot and ik she could be way more badass.

9. the only ship that i rly just flat out hate is gr*ylu.

like nali? i like them! nerza? fine! grayza? also dont like and are second to gr*ylu but i mean i dont have a fiery hatred! lyvia? cool! gratsu? sure! all of them i can get behind in some way ahape or form but i just HATE gr*ylu. idk why i hate them so much but i just really do lol.

10. fairy tail's old animation was way better

while i do think every character got like way more attractive with the new animation, the rest is just bad. not nearly as pretty, crisp, consistent, or colorful. its just blah. sorry sis thats the tea.

ok so there r 10 unpopular ft opinions! please dont yell at me lol! if u wanna have a discussion, we can discuss but these r just my opinions! thank u!:)❤️

[greymuse]

Witchy QnA

1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

Solitary!

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

Witch, or Enchantress if I wanna sound fancy

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Leo sun, Aquarius moon, Leo rising

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

Nope

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

Nope

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or any other kind of divination?

Tarot sometimes

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

Im just starting to get into more physical items. I was raised to do most things mentally.

8. How would you define your craft?

Im not sure? Green but a lil eclectic

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I dont think of it as cursing. More so protection from certain people.

10. How long have you been practicing?

I found out about what I was already doing as being Witchcraft a couple months ago. But Ive been using Tarot, using kitchen Witch spells, as “prayers” as spells since I can remember

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars?

Nope. I hope to have one soon though

12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation?

Absolutely believe in karma. Reincarnation, possibly. Its definitely something I think about

13. Do you have a magical name?

Nope.

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

My whole moms side practices casually, so I mean I guess? But I havent referred to  myself as a Witch or something like that.

15. What was the last spell you performed?

I enchanted a ring I got. Also, a money spell that worked but uhh its definitely showing me that I need to work harder.

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

Im pretty decent. Most of what I look up is common knowledge to me

17. Do you write your own spells?

I havent yet, but I also dont do many spells verbally. I more so visually manifest

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up?

I do, Its just a plain lil notebook, I have just some basic reference sheet type things in it.

19. Do you worship nature?

Absolutely

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

rose quartz. or tigers eye

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

I dont particularly enjoy using animal/ human materials. I use natural things, like dirt and water.

  22. Do you have an altar?

Not so much a physical Altar, but my bed is definitely my safe space and I can clear my mind here the easiest.

23. What is your preferred element?

Water, but fire always make me wide eyed and curious. definitely curious. but its destructive potential scares me.

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

Not art all haha

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

Im not sure!

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

realizing that I had been practicing for my whole life and I hadnt known before

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

yeah, with my mom and her mom. I just didnt know at the time. We do protection spells often.

28. Have you ever used ouija?

yup! with my mom and her mom. Its just a family thing we do every time we all get together. I grew up thinking it was completely normal.

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

My mom says I used to be. I used to dream about natural disasters before they happened as a kid. I dont think im too good anymore. just empathetic.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

I dont think I do. If anything, I do feel a feminine energy? dark (like a shadow, not negative) and watery is the best way I can describe it. But its not a human  entity. Just energy.

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

That not everyone believes what you do. And its totally okay! Just maybe dont loudly announce your Ouija board antics with your science teacher in middle school.

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

I havent before, but im going to try to this year

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

Absolutely. I want my son to grow up the same way I did around magick. Itll be normal for him.

34. Do you meditate?

Sometimes! its definitely something im trying to do more often.

35. What is your favorite season?

Fall and Spring! Theres so much change

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Im not sure yet! Ive only just started branching out and actually considering what ive been doing all my life as magick.

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life?

Daily affirmations/ protection spells, I manifest me and my sons happiness and safety every day.

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

I dont think Ive seen any haha

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why?

The Darkest Powers books by Kelly Armstrong. More supernatural (vampires, werewolves, stuff like that) but I loved it growing up.

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

Knowingly, a protection spell from someone who had hurt me

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

Im not sure! I can see auras if i really focus and can tune into someone, so maybe when i saw a family member with a pure black aura? That was freaky

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

I dont use candles! Bonfires or fires in fireplaces usually, to burn a paper if needed. Again, I dont  trust myself with fire very much.

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

My crystals and my tarot. They all have vibrations. Everything does but especially those, because im so connected to them

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I want to!  Havent yet

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits?

Spirits, yes. I can call on family that Ive known in person for protection. Been doing that as long as i can remember

46. Do you practice color magic?

I used to! i dont really anymore. 

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

My mom, aunt, and grandma! 

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

Dollar store, thrift store, antique stores (though im always hesitant to use something that belonged to someone else. If there isnt a close emotional attachment, there wont be any noticeable vibrations.

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

I think theres a general way that things can happen. More like a decide your fate book. There are multiple options, it just depends on what you choose.

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice?

Meditate, or go to the lake.

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

ohhhh boy. I got stories.

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

People thinking theyre better bc they have a crap ton of materials, thinking im less than because I visualize easier than with material items.

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

I do, I just cant very often. I have a child and very smell sensitive people livingg with me

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

I rarely ever remember a dream, so no

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster?

Im not sure ive had one yet

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

I havent seen who i dont want to see since protecting myself

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

 Everything, haha. I think thats why I enjoy visualizing instead of rituals or verbal stuff.

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Absolutely!

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?

yes, I feel like it //can be// kinda like a genie in a bottle type thing. Itll work, but not without a price.

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Nope

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

A cauldron to mix and burn things in haha

62. What is your rune of choice?

I dont know yet! Runes are something Im looking into

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

My birth card, the Tower.

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

I love lemon and eucalyptus 

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

nope!

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

Nope

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch?

No one that would feel that way knows anything about it

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines?

nope

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Yes. Its like knowing world history and us history, We need to learn from the past.

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

I feel powerful, and connected and accepted by nature.

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

having to tiptoe around things around certain people

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

Nope! ill have to look into it

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

I havent fully figured out what i want to do for the moon cycles yet, but I definitely want to. the moon and water are so closely related

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

No, but i mean.. maybe one day?

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

I feel like i have more control of how im able to use my emotions and feelings

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

The energy i talked about before.. It gets more intense and stronger sometimes, and i know i need to put more time and effort into my practice

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

no, but i do believe in energy. not ghosts per say but definitely energy

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

I try to make most of them myself. I have one for protection while driving that i use for me and my boyfriend a lot. And one for the safety of my son.

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

Not as of right now. I did bleed onto my tarot cards on accident though..

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

Theres a difference  between “doesnt understand and doesnt care to” and “fully doest support and refuses to let you practice safely”. I dont mind the first, but wouldnt stay with the second.

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

Reading auras, and tarot. Also just connecting with nature more

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

I love fall scents! but no, i dont really use candles

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it?

Meditate and protect

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

My mom honestly lmao. i dont think she views herself as a full witch though.And my aunt

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

I dont worship dieties. But i like to just be in natural and connect emotionally, nonverbally to this energy Im somehow connected with.

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

In this lil wooden box my mom gave me for my birthday to hold the tarot cards my grandma gave me haha.

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

my mom. aunt, and grandma. I know my grandpas grandma was a voodoo witch too.

  88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I havent seen much about nonverbal, mostly mental witchcraft. So i guess  thats one unique thing.

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

A couple things. Feeling vibrations, the connection to nature, auras, growing up surrounded by it.

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

I believe you can initiate yourself. I dont feel the need for someone elses validation is i know my connection with nature is real

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

crystals, lmao

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

The southern oregon coast. honestly everywhere in oregon feels so alive and vibrating so heavily with energy. The water and the lush greenery is perfection.

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

I have no idea, I dont follow a deity

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation?

quiet, listen to music i like and that help calm me, slightly cool, a breeze is good. the sound of real water flowing from a lake or ocean. recordings of water dont help me. sometimes white noise if theres too much noise

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

visualization is the easiest thing for me. ive always daydreamed so heavily that itll be like im dreaming with my eyes totally open and tracking. 

  96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

early mornings, right as the sun is coming up.

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

I like doing spell work before bed, when the moon is bright enough to light up what im doing

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

I dont know if it counts as casting a circle? but i visualize a swirling white ball of energy, starting out like a strawberry size in my hands, and every time i breath in, it gets bigger. Its a protection circle. i learned to do it at like?? 3 years old?

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

Yup!

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?

If i had to guess, id say multiple gods/ goddesses. one entity shouldnt have that much power imo.

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?

Ive been trying to go vegetarian, and i eat minimal eggs and dairy.

102. What is your favorite color and why?

dark, smokey colors. grey, black, dark muted purples, navy, smoky pink.

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

I dont have many people im even slightly into that stuff, let alone a witch. So usually just “how do i cleanse my house? i think its haunted” type stuff

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest?

Feel, haha, physically and emotionally.

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

Always properly cleanse new materials, haha

[woman-artist]

tmi warning, sex and kink mention, dont read if graphic sex talk makes u uncomfortable or if ur a judgmental person thank u

if anyone reads this long ass post and wants to give me advice i would totally welcome that!❤️

my man that ive been w for almost 7 months pretty much goes along w all my kinks and fantasies, hes naturally a pretty vanilla person (was raised very religious) but he goes along w everything and always ends up enjoying it, which is super cool and makes me very happy. a lot of my kinks are related to violence, i love like hardcore intense violence like slapping in the face, punching each other, like beating one another tf up during sex so theres bruises and black eyes and blood and stuff like that. and i know thats a lil bit extreme so im really happy he goes along w it and enjoys it, along w my other less violent kinks. i feel very lucky.

anyways one of the only fantasies i have that hasnt happened or that he hasnt seemed to be very receptive to is that tbh i want to peg him. like so bad. ive always wanted to do that to a man and for some reason i really strongly want to do it with him and think about it more often than i have with any other man ive been with. im bisexual and the thought of using a strapon on someone is really exciting to me. anyway we sleep alternating with who is going to be the big spoon; i touch his butt often and spank it and grab/squeeze it and tell him that i love his butt and all that. he has a super nice butt, better than mine imo. in the beginning of our relationship that kinda stuff seemed to make him uncomfortable but i think hes let go of that masculinity stuff and he really seems to enjoy it now and encourages me to do that kinda stuff. so hes pretty aware that im into his butt, but the past few days ive been hinting that i want more than that, the other night we were lying down w me being the big spoon and i started lightly rubbing myself on his butt for a few seconds. then i said “ahhh i wish i could fuck you.” he said “like peg me?” and i said “yeah,” then he said “haha i dont know about that.” i said “mmm alright baby” then he said, “hahaha you can peg me whenever you want baby.” in a joking way. smh

then last night i got really really drunk and he was sober and we went and had sex on a park bench at night. then we got home and did some more light sex stuff. after that he was lying down on his tummy naked and i got on top of him and started rubbing myself on his butt again. i was really drunk lol. but anyway i did that for like a few minutes and i got really into it. and he started like softly making sounds and moaning and stuff and he seemed pretty into it, he was making sounds the whole time. and that made me more into it and i got super excited. anyways after me doing that for a few mins i got off him and said “thanks for letting me project my fantasies on u baby it means a lot to me i really appreciate it” and he replied “i make your fantasies into my fantasies baby” something like that. so that got me really excited !! bc like in a matter of a couple of days it seems that he has quickly started to come around to the idea which is super cool. idk if this is where it ends and if he doesnt want to go any further than what we’ve been doing but it would be really cool if i could fulfill this fantasy. a few days ago i got worried i was forcing my kinks onto him but this really reassured me, im very lucky and excited and happy but idk how to proceed from here

[trans-guy-positive-blog]

URGENT: Help my parents want me to go to the hospital bc im feeling suicidal im so scared and i dont know how its gonna go and being trans makes it more scary, i live in the US if thats important

Hey there, im sorry youre feeling so bad. Going to the hospital is a really good idea if youre suicidal. I know its scary, but it really can help keep you safe. You can learn coping skills and find vakuabke resources for you and your family.

In the past year ive been in a psychiatric hospital 3 different times (1 hospital the first 2, another one for the 3rd) so Ive been where you are. The first time I stayed 7 days, the second time I stayed 6 days, and the third time it was 8 days. Obviously things can differ state to state but im gonna give you the general protocol of things to make it a little less scary. Going to the hospital (all 3 times) was the best choice i could’ve made tbh. Im gonna give you the whole process. All of it may not apply to you depending on what the doctors say, but ill put it here anyway just in case

First you go to the ER. They will give you a bracelet with you name on it which can be dysphoria inducing if your name isnt legally changed. Sometimes it will also have your legal gender on it too. They will do intake (ask why youre there, blood pressure, weight, pulse) and then youll wait to be called. They may have a security guard sit near you if youre not with your parents (they might do that anyway though).

After this they will take you to a crisis unit. This may be called a Behavioral Health Unit instead of crisis, its the same thing. Here they will have you give them everything you have (cellphone, headphones, shoes, wallet, etc). They may also take your jewlery. Some places also will have you change into scrubs and they will take your clothes. They will have you change in a room but someone will likely need to watch you change in the room or they will look through a 2 way mirror. In this process they might also take your binder. The first time I explained why i needed to keep it and i cried a lot and begged. The next time i told them i will not take it off. The third time they didnt ask. They will also scan your body with a metal detector wand and possibly give you a patdown. If you are packing, they will have you remove it. I suggest not packing when you go to the ER.

They will bring you to a room that has a bed and walls. There also may be a door on the room, but no lock. Sometimes a bathroom is also attached to the room. You can usualy have a pillow and blanket. They may bring chairs in if your parents are allowed to stay with you (some places dont allow parents past a certian hour). They also can give you water and some food here of you ask (sometimes they will automatically offer if its a meal time). Here you will usually be asked to give a urine sample and they sometimes draw blood. There also may be a phone that you can use to make calls, so be sure to know peoples numbers.

Youll meet with a psychiatrist who will evaluate you. Expect questions about wanting to die or harm yourself, about hallucinations, about your mental health history, any medications youre on, and about being trans. The psychiatrist will then determine whether you are a threat to yourself or others. If you are, they will want to admit you. Depending on your insurance and where you live, you might get to pick which facility you go to. It is A LOT easier to consent to being admitted as a voluntary patient than it is to be involuntary (involuntary patients are forced to be there by court order). You will then be transported by ambulance to the psychiatric hospital. The psych hospital may be in the same building as the regular hospital, and in that case they will transport you by stretcher.

(Your parents may or may not be present for this depending on where you go) Once you arrive at the psych hospital, youll do intake again. They will take vitals and ask you a million questions about how youre feeling and what your history is. You may get misgendered a lot here. Correct them and be consistent even though its scary. You might also get a tour of the floor and have some thing explained to you. It will help in the long run. Because youre trans, the rooming situation might be weird. The first 2 times i was at a hospital that wasnt educated about trans stuff so i was forced into a single room because i was apparently a sexual predator bc im trans. The third time i was at a different hospital and they were a lot better. There i had a trans roommate, a girl, and a guy (we all kept switching rooms).

In the hospital, you might be one on one supervision until they decide you arent gonna harm yourself or others. Hospitals have a psychiatric nursing staff, psychiatrist, and different kinds of therapists and counselors. Youll probably have group therapy, one on one meeting with the doctor, family therapy or meetings, group activities like games or movies, coping skill groups, etc. You may also have school built into the schedule, where you can get work from your school sent to you or dropped off. (Nothing online, no computers). A theraputic teacher will be there to supervise and they may give assignments as well. Youll also have some free time to journal or watch tv or color. Your floor might also go outside. Meals are either in the cafeteria or on your unit. It depnds where you are and how safe you are. All of this really depends on where you are though. Your parents can also come visit and possibly friends or teachers or religious leaders. You can also make phone calls. Who is allowed to visit/call depends on the facility. They will keep you at the hospital until you are safe enough to go home. They will most likely put you on medication and have you see a therapist and psychiatrist after you go home. You may also have to do IOP, which is intensive outpatient therpay, where you go a few times a week to group therapy and individual counseling. You can refuse to go if you dont want to, but its suggested. IOP is really a hit or miss.

That’s basically the process. Another thing to mention is that your parents should bring you a bag of stuff. This should include clothes, hygeine stuff, towels, notebook, coloring book, books to read, schoowork, etc. Also be sure to have a sweatshirt and some long sleeves, as well as fuzzy socks or thick socks because it will be cold. You can’t have anything with strings so take them out before or the hospital will take them out or cut them off. The hospital will be able to tell what you can and cant have. Its different for each place. If you have specific concerns, be sure to vocalize them. I have severe allergies so I had to make sure i was allowed sheets and pillowcases and blankets from home or hypoallergenic ones from the hospital. I also needed to make sure i could have my own soap and shampoo and conditioner, as well as my lotions to keep my allergies calm. At one hospital i was automatically allowed all of that and at another i needed special permission. It all really depends on where you are.

I hope this was helpful. Going to the hospital is really scary, especially if its your first time, so being afraid is normal. My first time i cried for three days straight. Iam so proud of you for asking for help and i really hope you do go to the ER to get evaluated. If you (or anyone else) want to messgae me here or on my personal please do.

EDIT: I totally forgot to talk about HRT. If you are on testosteorne make sure they have it. I had to bring my own T and estorgen blockers to one of the hospitals i was at. They let me do my shot myself, supervised of course. They also took me off of my blocers for 3 days because they had to get it approved by their pharmacy which was really stressful. The other hospital had my estorgen blockers there so it was fine, and my time there didnt fall of a T shot day. But they said they had it for if i ended up staying longer.

Stay safe

-Emmett

[this-brownie]

04.22.20

I have been harboring a lot of pain and anger feelings for jen in the back of my head for the last 10 years. When I see her in person, I feel so good that I don’t have a need to bring it up, but those negative feelings, eventually, always return. I finally decided to let it all go and explain to her how I felt— the first part is the letter I read to her over the phone and the second part are my own thoughts and recollection after the phone call.

Part 1:

Maybe you have your issues with me because of that period in high school but it was never to push YOU away. I won’t diminish the fact it was detrimental to you regardless, but I didn’t intentionally prioritize myself at your cost. That happened to be the result of my stupidity and lack of communication. When you left for college, it was hard but you kind of repeatedly put yourself over me and our friendship, and it took a toll. We came back together once you found more balance in your school life and started depending on me more when you and worth broke up. I eventually moved back to New York and you had your off year; that was one of my favorite years. I like you because I have fun with you and because I like to hear you talk. I have often been angry when you couldn’t make it for me, even if it wasn’t your fault, and it constantly remained in the back of my head. But then when I see you it’s like those feelings wash away, and I’m like oh thisss is why I love hanging out with her. When you left, it made me really distant, which was better than fighting with you, but it hollowed me out. You had Mo, you had your life, you were busy. I wasn’t unhappy for you but you didn’t need me or make me feel needed. When I eventually moved on from Caitlin to Ivan, he brought on this intense joy and intimacy that I hadn’t experienced since hs. He made me feel so loved, and so crazy. It consumed me. With Levi, my other friends, and often you I feel grounded. Good positive feelings, nothing crazy. He fucking riled me up so much. Eventually it overwhelmed me but it felt amazing while it lasted. And I remember being so angry with you because why couldn’t you just let me be happy? You were hurt that I left you and it frustrated me that I should consider your feelings once again over mine. Talking to you normally made me feel empty. You were so fucking busy, and I was so busy that i didn’t feel connected when we spoke. But with Ivan, I always felt so good. I always craved that. Why couldn’t you let me have that? Because it came at your expense?

We call each other best friends and the reason I say I don’t need you there for me everyday is because you haven’t always been there for me. The person I talk to everyday now is Levi, and maybe that’s why in your own way you can’t fully trust me. I understand that- the feeling of giving your all to someone who won’t give it back. I wouldn’t want to ask you to irrationally be there for me but there are ways to make me special, which I feel I’ve done for you such as birthdays. My last birthday was one of my favorites because you actually made it. I was hesitant in telling you to even come because I didn’t want to let myself hope. I would rather sabotage myself than be let down.

The things that I perceive important are different than what you want/or are used to giving. Literally the first time ever I got hurt by you was when i walked you home after SPI and wanted to come over to your house but you said no. Obviously I understood the reason, but at that time I was SO taken aback because I had never experienced that. I thought we were friends because we had been eating together and hanging out all the time that I didn’t understand why wouldn’t just tell your parents you wanted a friend over even if you were scared.

There’s been times in the past when you made me feel like utter shit. I’ve gone to bat with my mom in the past about you. I remember in college you told me that you couldn’t tell your mom about me because I wasn’t in school and “what’s there to really say”. you were afraid to stand up to your parents even tho I’m your best friend. I under at and it’s your personality and your life but it was painful. There was a point that, I don’t even think you were angry, but you said something like I was bad influence on you. And you said it off handed, not accusatory— you said that at the end of the day, it was still your actions— but that was hurtful. The reason I get pissed and jealous is because sometimes it feels like you do stuff for others that you don’t do for me. Like when Sarah came over to your place. Or that time we went to Brooklyn shuffle with mo and Naomi and you posted a picture of just you and her. I mentioned it and you called me Nadiya which aggravated tf out of me and effectively made me want to shut up. I know it was mostly irrational and not a big deal, but I was annoyed that I planned the meetup Cuz of my bday but you honored her. It was tiny, but still hurt me and made me feel little. (Yes I know you posted a pic of us for my actually birthday but that’s not the point).

The bachelorette thing annoyed me a lot how it happened, at the time, but when I look back it was actually almost perfect. Nadiya was the one who fucked everything up. And also me, for picking a shitty restaurant. But what annoyed me after was that you didn’t talk to Nadiya. You explained that because you don’t care for her as a friend anymore, and didn’t want to bring it up but I felt like I wasn’t prioritized in that situation. Like I was full of anger and just had to let it go without any resolve.

I rmmbr a few months ago Levi was away for work and I was feeling extremely low, and I asked you something like ‘what do you do for me’ and you responded by saying that it was shitty of me to keep count. I was feeling hormonal from the implant but it makes me feel lonely when i think you can depend on me but I can’t depend on you. I don’t ask a lot of you, or at least I try my best to not bother you too much, which is why it feels good when you do things for me on your own. When you show me that you’ve thought of me. There was this meme I saw that said “affection hit different when you don’t gotta ask for it” that’s how I feel, maybe that’s just me being spoiled idk

The thing is I’m oblivious which is why I like it when you tell me “this is what I did for you” bc it keeps me in check. If I’m constantly reminded you love me, then I don’t have to doubt it or be stuck in my own head. I know you show your love in less obviating ways but they mean so much. When you’re patient with me, I appreciate that a lot. I don’t like when you spend money on me. I love quality time. I love when you make me feel important. I often don’t feel like that which is why I bitch at you lol. It might all be in my head, but how can I be sure? I’m the only one thinking about it 🤔

I am bringing up all the things not because they necessarily bother me anymore but I want to stop holding on to all of it. Feel free to yell at me about the shit I’ve done to you too, I know there’s been a lot. But I do love you, even if we just love each other differently. Even if you don’t post as many pics of me on your IG as I’d like, and I don’t like the pics you do post of me🤦🏽‍♀️ I cant help compare myself to your other friends. Why do they get better captions than me🙄 why do you cook for them and not me. Why do I always compare myself to them and feel like I’m on the losing end. I know this side of me is crazy which is why I like to keep it hidden. I know that you actually do love me (I think). But I feel I’m constantly thinking about how I personally can make you feel good. How to be reliable. How to be there for you. Like that weekend when you were upset about Aaron not responding and him possibly canceling the date. I knew you were in a shit mood so i wanted to do everything in my power to make you feel happy and wanted. To stock the house, and cool for you, and spend money on you, and call your friend and surprised you so that you can cheer up. I know you don’t care for grand gestures and you never ask this of me, but i like to do it and telling myself to *stop* doing it will make me feel dead inside. It’s unfair to put that standard on you and tbh I don’t want that, but I love feeling loved. Talk to me and validate me and make me feel like your present in my life.

I know this is all sounding one sided but you have done a LOT for me through out the years too. I think I’m less mean and crazy with you now than I used to be. You’ve exerted a lot of patience and leniency with me, especially though high school but also after college. Like when we travel and I used to go crazy planning, you bear with me. I remember I used to make you read my long ass college essays even though your probably didn’t fucking want to. You giving me meaningful gifts that you thought I would appreciate. You’ve tried your best to keep up with me— to give me my space when thats what I asked for, to be understanding when that’s what I needed, to put up with my childish, demanding, anal ways. Those qualities haven’t gone unnoticed by me.

I also know that you’ve grown up more and are more aware of my emotions. I know you’re not clingy to the point that you’ll be extremely upset if I’m busy. You take my feelings seriously, and when you point our flaws in me I also try to take them seriously and improve them. Ive come to terms with knowing there won’t be a lot of interactions with you, but at least they can be memorable when they do take place. But that has to be mutual. You’re depending on me more now because of the Eric situation which is fine but I’m hesitant to let myself be fully vulnerable. youll get back to your med school life, and eventually find a boyfriend and it’ll be back to being distant. It’s not ideal, but that’s life. You won’t really need me or pull at me. We’re adults so it manageable but it’s not such a pleasant feeling. I guess I am afraid of feeling used and then being left to tend to myself up until when you need me again

I won’t have any crazy expectations. I don’t want to burden you with all this, just want to communicate my feelings because sometimes it easier for me to clam up. I was thinking maybe I need to start asking you the questions that I would like for you to ask me. That way you can get an idea of the things that I like to talk about along with what we already discuss. I don’t want to keep repeating, to you, that maybe you’re not talking to me the way I would like. It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with how you’re communicating to me, rather than how I prefer things. And it’s always better to show, than tell.

Part 2:

I read my letter to her on the phone and she listened and agreed. I don’t know if I told you, maybe I mentioned it briefly, there was a period in hs after parker and I broke up, that I went mia for a week. Jen and I have been talking obsessively at that point so for me to just black out, and leave her in the dark like that took a huge toll on her. She realized that ‘I’m my own person, and I have a life without her’ so in college she tried to become more independent, to the point that she shut me out. I felt really betrayed because we had told ourselves we would still be super close and things wouldn’t change blah blah. But it felt like she knew they were going to change and she kept it to herself. Side note, although I was mia for that week, this was like first semester 12th grade— afterwards we were the “same” still continued to talk everyday, every moment like nothing changed. But her heart had changed and she never really let me knew how badly it impacted her. In college we were separated because she had to study 24/7 to get into med school and I was dealing with the horrors of my own life. In her spring semester of junior year, we had a huge fight where I told her that she’s always unavailable and hasn’t been a good friend. Things changed a little after that, we started talking more regularly but still sparse. I don’t have a lot of memories of us from that period, but I did hold a lot of pain. As college ended for her, she broke up with her toxic ex and started talking to me more. Not obsessively, but much more than we used to and in the manner a best friend would like calling me at 2am bc she’s sad and can’t sleep and staying on the phone with me all night even tho I had work the next day. I did that because I knew she was hurting, and I was in a better place, and I liked that she was depending on me again.

The next year was her off year and I moved back to nyc from Boston so we spent that entire year together and it was one of my favorites. We finally got to spend the time and do the things we wanted to do together since college. Went out to eat, explored new places, but it wasn’t perfect bc we couldn’t go clubbing since she was still scared of her parents. There were issues during this period tho, where she made me feel like shit- I couldn’t come over to her house bc I wasn’t in school therefore she had nothing good to say about me to her parents. It was hurtful. When she left for med school I had become clingy again and felt her absence deeply- instead of being bitter like I was in college I decide to outsource. I became close to Caitlin and we started doing all the crazy things Jen wasn’t able to do. Like staying out until 5am, doing coke, binge drinking. I was always angry at Jen in the back of my mind for not being there for me, but rationally knew that neither of us had a choice. After a year or so, my husband moved to SF, Caitlin started becoming crazy and super unreliable, and jen was busier than ever bc of school and *also* whenever she would come to visit nyc, her bf only made her hangout with him. We WOULD talk but it felt so casual that it drained me. I hated it, I felt so empty from it. I know some people would say that at least there was contact/effort there but it wasn’t enough for me. I was working and in school full time and it was hard bc I felt I couldn’t depend on anyone.

Eventually Ivan came into my life and it was a whirlwind. It consumed me, I was so fucking happy. Too happy— I started (unintentionally) talking to jen less and less bc I was so overwhelmed. She told me last night there were long stretches of me and her not talking, up to an entire month at one point. I honestly can’t even recall that. All I rmmbr is Ivan. She felt betrayed again and it triggered that similar pain from hs. Became emotionally distant, but then once she and Eric broke up, she propelled into my arms yet again and started depending on me emotionally. It sucked for me bc yeah I’m here for her but it felt she only reached out when she needed ME but I can’t reach her when I need her. Because I have to just be okay with the fact that there will be times when shes unavailable but it’s unacceptable if I’m too busy.

In my letter I basically told her I don’t feel cared for when we talk bc she’s not vulnerable with me which makes me feel not valued. As a friend, she’s great but as a bffl she’s not cutting it. I also said that she’s going to leave for residency and I don’t trust that we won’t be distant again, so I don’t want to fully invest myself. She told me my feelings are valid and that she’s been holding onto that pain from hs for a long time subconsciously and it’s affected her actions towards me. She essentially told me she doesn’t trust me bc she has a fear that I can leave at any moment and so won’t allow herself to be that vulnerable and clingy with me. I thought about that- and I agree it has been unfair to her. Just because I’m obsessive and crazy doesn’t mean I have the right to cut her off bc I feel like she’s not there enough. As an adult I have to understand that. To just drop off all communication like that, of course it’s going to have an effect. She agreed that we should have talked about the hs thing 10 fucking years ago instead of now. I think ultimately it would have been the same— I would have always felt bitterly jealous that she’s away busy doing stuff with other people. For me, there is no amount of talking or texting we could do that would replace an in person relationship. And sadly, there’s no way to sustain the relationship we had in hs. For her, it’s physically not possible and for me it’s not emotionally a good idea. Im very 0 to a 100 and that’s not how adults should be. She told me that it would probably be a good idea for me stay guarded and not extremely clingy as she goes off to her residency because we would be distant. I feel better talking to her and getting every thing off my chest esp bc I got to hear her side. I understand now why she acts the way she does, which makes me not harbor negative feelings for her.

[kennothythebard]

Things I’ve learned about writing DEH characters

THIS IS NOT A GUIDE BY ANY MEANS THIS IS JUST SOME OBSERVATIONS AND THINGS I DO.

So while researching for and writing “A Worthy Explanation” (pls read i crave validation) I’ve noticed a lot of little things that I don’t always see mentioned in writing guides for these characters so I thought I’d point some of these out. Idk how love this is going to be so I’ll prolly put a cut here.

General

I like to create kind of a “loneliness chart” and graph the kids on it (looks kinda like those political alignment things). On one axis theres introverted vs. extroverted, and on the other theres like polite vs. rude I guess? But in summary: Evan is introverted polite, Jared is extroverted rude, Alana is extroverted polite, Connor is introverted rude, and Zoe... is just kinda generally lonely. Where she falls really depends on what’s going on with her (but she typically is a less extreme introverted rude than Connor).

Obviously each character has their own faults, but I often see these faults viewed quite selectively, see “cinnamon roll evan” and “fucking larry” for two very different examples of this phenomenon. Evan is not perfect and always trying to be nice, and Larry is not a super abusive parent who deserves no happiness in this life. They’re both complex and it’s hard to let go of our misconceptions to write truer to the characters (e.g. I really, Really don’t like Larry. I see him as a lousy father who just kind of chose to be “the strict one” but does nothing but criticize and dole out punishment, ignoring his kids any other time), but that’s an important part of deh, is that people aren’t always what we perceive them to be.

Evan

Evan is often viewed as like a cinnamon roll, but in act 2 especially Evan gets mean. Like, he’s dismissive and rude and angry and just a jerk. Evan can be just as bad if not worse than some of the “angrier” characters

Ppl often talk about his lying as his biggest character flaw, but I’d argue that most of the lying we see in the show just stems from the one lie which he was kinda forced to make bc he was in a bad place (i mean, thats pretty much the entire point of awe).

The character flaw that I don’t see discussed enough is that he’s ashamed of his mental illness. He’d rather pretend it’s not there, even when it impacts every part of his life. He doesn’t do the letters the way his therapist assigned them, he’s apprehensive towards medication and stops taking it, and basically feeds into his self-destructive tendencies, arguing his mother sees his as “broke” or something to be fixed.

Jared

I love writing Jared

There’s already a lot about what a complex character he is and stage directions, but one thing that most people notice is his actions frequently contradict his words. Take the sincerely me reprise at the start of act 2. Why would he try to insert himself into the narrative at this point? What good would that do at this point? When evan dismisses him he gets annoyed and defensive. He says that he can’t do anything until Monday because he’s hanging with his camp friends (whom he claims are his “real friends,” a term he will later ascribe to himself regarding Evan in Good For You), and when Evan dismisses him again he tries to offer to help with the kickstarter, but is quickly shot down once more by Evan. Despite what seems to be a natural ending place in the conversation, he insists on continuing to talk with Evan, and when Evan cuts him off again he becomes rude and slightly threatening. This happens over the course of maybe three minutes and it’s one of the most insightful scenes to jared’s character

When writing a canon-compliant Jared, his actions and thoughts should conflict with his words. He cares about Evan but he’d never say that out loud (in more canon-compliant fics), and it hurts when he’s pushed away, which he responds to with anger.

Zoe

Zoe is one of the most difficult characters to write, imo.

She’s often portrayed in a slightly sweeter, saccharine way in fanon as just like a fun, silly girl who is just a tad sarcastic, but really you can tell that she’s Connor’s brother. She’s angry, blunt, unafraid of speaking her mind, etc. Yes, she is funny and kinda sarcastic, but her sarcasm isn’t always of the funny variety. She’s obviously angry at her parents, but this often comes across as a “doesn’t love them” variety of anger when her real feelings seem to be much more complex. 

Basically, I’m still learning a lot about writing her but I think just like the other kids she’s a little lonely, so Evan comes along and he’s there and that’s enough for her. She has such a wide range of emotions that I don’t feel are always accurately represented, even by me. (especially by me)

Alana

Hella, hella lonely. Covers it up by talking to people and doing extracurriculars. Sure, “college apps” is her excuse for why she does so much, but it’s not the real reason. If she keeps busy, she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. But at the same time she has similar fears to Evan about people seeing the worst of her. “Close acquaintances” seems to be a statement about how little she makes friends, but I also see it as a defense mechanism. If she remains “close acquaintances” with people, she’ll never have to be their friend and they’ll never have to see the worst of her.

She’s cheerful and annoying, but in the way that pisses high schoolers off. Like, we all knew that one kid who was just way way too nice, and most of us were like “yeah ok they’re pretty cool i guess” but like some people just hated their positivity. It also doesn’t help that she tries to insert herself in situations she hasn’t been invited in, and does some questionable things to help her accomplish her goals. (Evan/Alana contrast: Evan does questionable things to accomplish internal goals, Alana does them to accomplish external goals)

Gets easily distracted. Forgets to sign Evan’s cast in scene 1. Her mind has a million different thoughts at any given moment. It wouldn’t be out of line to headcanon ADHD Alana (some of the things she does reminds me of the things I do when I forget my meds).

Connor

?????

We don’t see a lot to really get a huge insight into his personality. We know he was angry and had some serious mental illness.

We also know that he could recognize when he went too far and would go out of his way to make amends. (Why was he in the computer lab? Why did he sign Evan’s cast?) He may recognize a kindred spirit in Evan.

Clearly he doesnt hate his family (he goes to school despite not wanting to go, and seeing Zoe’s name is what sets him off showing possible concern), and it would not surprise me to learn that he thought his family would be better and happier without him. He clearly has intense emotions and reactions even to things that might seem minuscule or inconsequential. When writing him in canon, I think of a rubber band stretched too tight, and any characters action could loosen or tighten the pulling.

Heidi

Such an emotional character, I nearly break my own heart when I’m trying to writer her.

Theres two odd kind of paradoxes in a parent-child relationship like that between Heidi and Evan. For Heidi, the paradox is that the more she wants to do for Evan, the less she can actually be there for him. For Evan, he wants his mother to succeed and loves her so much that he might even encourage her to not worry about him or spend time with him, but then resents that she’s never there. Or at least when he meets a mother who can provide and be there.

Heidi pretty much worries herself sick over Evan. Evan comes before everything else in her life, and so it’s easy for her to feel like she failed him, which is a huge reason for her intense reaction in Good for you: evan has just confirmed her fears that she’s failed him.

Heidi tries so hard, but she isn’t perfect. She’s clearly very sensitive about money or about Evan’s father, and this sensitivity can easily change to anger or passive-aggressiveness. She has deep insecurities that we may never see or fully comprehend.

Cynthia

Mom. like shes completely a mom. like, “can i speak to your manager?” type mom.

Loves her kids and tries to be supportive but struggles communicating with two very headstrong, sarcastic kids

she probably wouldn’t say this, but takes connor’s death very personally. wonders why he would do this to her 

Is desperate for her children to listen and understand her. Which Evan is more than willing to do.

A little bit selfish? Like, thinks about what will make her better rather than accepting everybody grieves differently

Larry

Fucking larry. I don’t like him and he’s the hardest character for me to write.

Ok since I made such a big deal about it in the intro i’ll try to be nicer than id normally be

A masculine archetype. Sports dad, wants sports son, which Connor isn’t

He’s got some really ableist/misogynistic tendencies that causes the intense demonization of him in the fanon but I mean... he could be worse i guess? (that’s literally the best i can say about that so yeah i dont like him at all)

Really just oblivious. Completely ignored Connor’s need for help, does not know how to read a room, you could say he frequently has a foot in his mouth if it weren’t so intentional.

I mean...probably a good guy if you can get past all that stuff? just really, really self absorbed.

yikes that was long. Again, not really a guide, just some things I think about when writing these characters. if you read this far at all thank you for indulging me this much.