#WHY MUST YOU BREAK ME IN THIS WAY
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denial
(the text behind my skelesona: YOU WILL SUFFER AS I, RAMATTRA, HAVE SUFFERED. YOUR TORMENT WILL OUTLAST THE STARS. WHEN THE UNIVERSE DWINDLES INTO DUST, THERE YOU WILL BE, STILL SUFFERING AS I HAVE...SUFFERED.)
#underverse#underverse 0.8#undertale au#undertale oc#digital art#art#sans au#magma art#WHY MUST YOU BREAK ME IN THIS WAY#CRYING SOBBING SHITTING MY PANTS#awesome episode tho :D#thanks jakei and take care!!!
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Sarek and Michael meeting as Children for Some Alien Reason or: Children with Grave Responsibilities or: Not asking your dad if you would've been friends as children because you're too afraid he'll just say "No" and move on. [Patreon | Commissions]
#Sarek#Michael Burnham#star trek discovery#star trek disco#star trek discovery art#Michael Burnham art#Sarek art#this is about wanting so badly to understand your dad - just finally get to the bottom of why he acted like that and acts like that#but maybe if you went back in time you'd still just be sitting stiffly side by side not looking at each other#bea art tag#there MUST be some love at the bottom of this well there HAS to be SOME love at the bottom of this well#'I keep on breaking my heart when it's beating for you' I know the singer of this song intended it as for a romantic partner but my GOD if#this doesn't perfectly encapsulate a parent-child relationship where you want SO desperately for them to be proud of you and keep failing#to meet their expectations#'time they say heals a broken heart but time has stood still since we've been apart' <- When you go no contact via blocking their number or#being thrown a billion years into the future but that doesn't provide CLOSURE really#I picture Michael and Spock meeting Sarek as a child semi-often bc I think that trope is sometimes used as a 'look at your parent#through another lens - they were a child once too' thing (and also Spock would probably MUCH rather meet Amanda as a child)#I think it would be very deliciously heartbreaking if Sarek were not notably more innocent friendly or kind as a child#and Spock is reckoning with like oh there's NO version of my father that would love me the way I (deep down) want him to
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waow
#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly#in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it#or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder#a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like#the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol#but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was#it was just me and brandy for a while#but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today#i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed#i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most#on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO#the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol#im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess#ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry#idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account#keyword some. i know this is tumblr#but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol#i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place#idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise#but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this#maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it#bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me
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(SMYM spoilers)
RIP Director Somsak, your first love begged Doctor Kan to kill him and you spent the next decade grieving and grudgy, your last love killed you. for Doctor Kan.
#and this is why you shouldn't be a forced birther and a doctor who tries to pull doctors (or pharmacists!)#they are simply not going to vibe with your definition of life beginning at conception!!!!!!!#and if they're good doctors they're simply not going to vibe with your indifference to bodily autonomy!#(boss DID vibe with this otoh which is why eye believe their relationship succeeded for as long as it did <3)#but for real rewatching w/ friends and this made me sad laugh for him#director somsak can't catch a break#doctor kan takes all his men one way or another :/#it's a shame he and his fucked up beliefs keep losing to the gaslighting girlboss but dem's da breaks#spare me your mercy#smym#smym spoilers#dear diary#btw i won't make a new post for this but the rewatch has absolutely enforced 1. how much i wish kan had taken boss on as a project#instead of seeing him as repulsive and irredeemable sigh MAYBE but THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HOW MY YAOIS GO#2. how much kan being THAT unhingedly committed to keeping tew in his life has to be because they came together grieving the same woman#a woman kan doesn't believe he needs to or should be grieving but toootally is#plus the peculiar guilt of believing wholeheartedly in what he did for her but also seeing that the timing deeply hurt her beloved son#and trying to love him in her stead#but also damn how EXCRUCIATINGLY lonely kan must be as well#like kan catches tew going through his closet and is just like /with pain in his eyes#'whatever the reason that you've chosen to stay in my home' implied: including your obvious desire to investigate me for murder#'i'm grateful you're here'#brooooooo#lol it's v obvious on the rewatch how much all the gaslighting and shifting reality fucked tew up#but also kan is just the saddest most resigned version of the 'this is fine' dog in a fire#in conclusion: i love toxic yaoi
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#i need a break from the winter break#my family is exhausting but somehow i am the one they call difficult to be around#im sorry i have boundaries? you are the reason i need them#im sorry i dont like when my brother who i have never had good relationship with picks on me?#'keep the peace' in the family mindset must die. i am so tired. why cant we just be honest and work on actually being good to each other#like. its not normal when from the age of 11 i feel like running away and never returning#but now i dont even have anywhere to run away because the way we are going as a society is fucked and idk where id feel safe#rant things delete later
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When you tell people they should be sending every spare penny to their chosen Gaza fundraiser or they are Bad. But then it all gets a bit too stressful so you have to leave tumblr. :(
#if you know who i'm talking about don't say the username let's be civil#to me this is an example of dishing it out but you can't take it#like oh does it not feel good to feel like shit? you need a break?!#btw i've spoken with the organiser of the fundraiser in question- they live in pennsylvania#according to them they are withdrawing the money a few thousand dollars at a time from the GFM#then transfer the money to the family in gaza out of their account and eat the fees (so kind! there is no proof though)#there's also no way to prove that none of the money raised stays in their account. i have only seen some transfer screenshots#which frankly could be anything. the gfm still says the money is for evacuation but the organiser now says (to me) it is for daily food etc#but the campaign still talks about evacuation. i have asked them to update it to make it clear money is being spent on other things#and to explain if the plan is still to evacuate- that is why these gfms have high goals because of that war profiteering egyptian company#people donate so people can FLEE to SAFETY and if that's no longer the plan you must SAY THAT#they probably will not update the gfm though#it's not like there are 10s of 1000s of dollars involved here or anything /s#i am extremely concerned that at least some of these funds are being skimmed by the bank account owner#i've been watching gfm scamming from waaaay before 7/10 made evacuation from gaza an urgent matter#and large amounts of money is so so soooooo tempting for an everyday person#like easy access to that amount of money that is not rightly yours is dangerous!!#i hope someone is investigating this issue- might email the podcast the opportunist and see if they can have a look
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i still have so many questions about the ff7 remake story. why did aerith even have knowledge of the future in remake to begin with? from a watsonion perspective, why does she lose that knowledge after the end of remake when sephiroth doesn't? (i'm fully aware the doylist reason is that having a character who knows the future would totally break the plot but i'm still curious if there's more to what they were doing with aerith's remake character or if this is it). what was her motivation to encourage the party to fight the whispers in the original game when she knew the party would defeat sephiroth in the end if events followed fate? was it simply that she wanted the chance to live? because that makes me want to lie down and cry!!!!
#blahs#ff7#rebirth spoilers#sephiroth's whole “so must you” line to aerith about accepting her fate seems to imply he's saying she was resisting it#and that the aerith we see in cloud's dream reality is the aerith from remake with all her knowledge of the future#and her pushing cloud out of the dream is her accepting her death?#which makes me want to die!!!!!#it also seems implied by sephiroth that remake!aerith went and hid away in the alternate reality as a way to run from her fate??#idk i might have to go back and watch things again#but if so perhaps that answers my question about why aerith loses her future knowledge#i do dig it a lot bc i have always been a staunch Aerith Wanted To Live Believer#i dislike the interpretation that in og ff7 she knew she would die and it was a noble sacrifice. i think that diminishes the tragedy#so the idea that she actively resisted it when given the chance even if she eventually had to accept the reality of death makes me very !!!#like it breaks my heart but it's in line with my interpretation of her character#anyway. i'm vomiting all this to my tumblr audience of People Who Don't Care About FF7 bc my bestie's asleep so i can't talk to her about i#tumblrinas please play ff7 i promise it's so good it's some of my favourite character writing in a game ever for real
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why's all the colorful stuff always in the kids' options oTL
#just me hi#Whyyy [laying on the ground facing up. hand on your shoe]#I see a thing with colours I like and it's either a) fast fashion garbage that'll break down quick + be incredibly uncomfortable#or b) only goes to size 10 in kids#Must I suffer. Its already hard finding my shoes they're funking Black kdhsvfh#Not only would colours just be nicer to wear they'd also be easier to find <3#And I got the go ahead for multicolour so Whyhuhyhyhhyyyyy lmaoo#And if I get recced another pastel palette I'll explode. It's just not happening. Help kfvsh#It's either pastels or dusty colours I do not vibe with at this time. Or black#And black can be Fine but I don't want black but I also don't want to die immediately walking around and Blaaahh bloooooo ouhrrrr#My mother said this shoe brand she wants me to get shoes from has good colours and I go to check it and you Won't Believe What They Had#I've been SNUBBED#is that the word here? Hang on loll :)#Close enough 👍💥💥#SNUBBED dude. Just awful kfshsh#I don't want neutral colours I am so tired of them lmfhsf#That and pastels. Lord please I am begging for a restraining order against pastels#I had this same problem looking for skates last year whyyyy am I supposed to be beige and faded blue all the time BLAH#//anyway I Did sleep yea :>#I'm also slightly hungry which my explain my renewed issues with this but yk what I think I would had this problem anyway. Peace kfdhshf#At least I can find clothing with patterns and colours i like that happen to be on the same shirt right. Right#Okey I'm gonna stop talking abt it Lmfhsvfhd#//yea I've got some left over energies from last night and a thing I've gotta get on so :3#I think I've figured out my process w/ the tradi inking and then colouring! Went at record speeds last nnnI mean this morning Kfhsvf#Though I have Got to eat before that. Sigh. Sigh. Sighhhh#Life: you get to eat but you also don't have a choice lmao#Same thing with sleep. And baths. Why must good things suck so hard [shaking my fist]#//anyWho I'm going on my way. Onnn my way#Yep. Moving now. As we speak uhh huh#Alright toodles pfsh :>
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ‘home’ for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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It's always fun when one of your posts ages badly, because you realize some shit you've been through was more fucked up than you thought it was.
#I just cannot catch a break at this point#Like why must you do this to me world? Why must you be so utterly homophobic like this???#( Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with actual homophobia. I just think it's funny to call things that don't go my way homophobic )
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finally listened to will wood's explanation of tomcat disposables after just... not doing that (i don't have an excuse i listened to it multiple times just never actually went and got the full story) and uh yeah i get it now sorry for being late to the sob fest guys WHAT THE FUCK i am never going to recover from this actually
#william woodiam why do you hurt me this way :(#:(((((#“Is there cheese in the great beyond? Rinds of parmesan” ????#“Not one bite smaller or lesser than yours” ????????#“Do I belong in right and wrong? Nature I guess” ????#“My dreams were finally reality My struggles had a happy ending They must want to be friends” ????#“My stomach starts to turn With thirst why does it hurt?” ????#“So I stumble back to bed Something's not quite right Guess I'll just go rest my head” ????#“Now as I lay me down to sleep I expect no dreams And no sweet goodbye to me” ???#“Flatline in the morning light I held on so tight For so long it's just not right” ????#SIR......#I am going to VOMIT.........#i didn't know the story behind it and I didn't understand why people were crying over it............... but now........ NOW........#i've yet to cry over a song but god damn this might be the one that breaks me#“Is there cheese in the great beyond? Rinds of parmesan” and “They must want to be friends” hurt me the most i think actually#will wood#in case i make it#tomcat disposables#possum rambles
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mannnn who up tearing up over the sticker scene
#txt#i just starting thinking about how terrified greg must have been :(((((#he made a mistake and why would tom protect him now when he can pick and choose so much more freely who he wants#logically i'm sure he knows matsson is indeed pissed over what he did but he doesn't hate greg at least not enough to get rid of him#yet that kind of phrasing he believes in an instant bc he's in such a state of fear you can see it in his eyes in his movements#he's so afraid he's gonna go right back to being homeless to his last 20 bucks and no one will save him. no one will love him. no one will#care. but tom!!!!!! oh GOD tom!!!! says i got just enough capital!!!! i got you! and then says I GOT YOU AGAIN! just so greg didn't miss it!#you hear me? i got you!!! i'll keep you!#can i come with you nero? YES YOU CAN THATS NOT EVEN A QUESTION#and the sheer. like. shock. of being chosen like that. greg is just staring at tom as he plucks the sticker off#stock fucking still as tom puts it on even swaying slightly with the gentle force of tom putting the sticker on him bc he#can't quite believe it for a second#then he breaks into a dopey sideways smile and tom tells him gently again i got you.#you got me? even after everything? even after i made a mistake? even though i hurt you? even though i tried to make my way#and failed? even after i slapped you? even after i fought back in the bathroom? you still want me?#it just. man idk it hits me right in the kokoro....
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Ep 9 ! :)
#I feel like I really got not much to say about this one.#The whole Kunikida deal with witnessing the child die has always left me ://#It's just always felt... Unnecessarily cruel to me. Wow the world is unforgiving and life is nothing but suffering. Okay#You know it does have to do with everything else I don't agree with about bsd's core morals. The nihilism and everything.#But like it is what it is I'm not dwelling much on it for the most part.#It's chapter 76 Teruko saying “In this world‚ being ‘desperate’ means relatively little. /So welcome to our world./”#I'm just not used to believe there's such a thing as no-win scenarios. But I suppose that's naivety on my end#Btw‚ up to this moment‚ I've ALWAYS thought all the kids died in the explosion.#And I'm only now realizing it was only the little one with the granades on their neck? That doesn't make it any less horrible‚ but at least#to know the others survived is a relief.#(Btw how the hell did Kunikda survive?? He was literally running towards three granades. Or maybe I'm not familiar with weapons power idk?)#In a way this arc reminds me a lot of t/pn. The little kids with guns. The break out and break in. Idk.#What else. I like Tanizaki he's a funny character.#I wish we'd see more of Atsushi actually... Do things#I love. Love Kouyou's character and I think her relationship with Kyouka is so compelling.#In this episode I really like how Kyouka seemingly took advantage of Kouoyou's unwillingness to harm her and by extension Tanizaki.#It's very smart.#I like how much emphasis is put on Demon Snow and Golden Demons being... Really powerful abilities. It made me feel like another reason–#why Kouyou hasn't shown up for half manga now is a Chuuya-esque kind of being too powerful–#their existence would defeat any plot obstacle lol#Next episode! There's gonna be my favourite scene in the whole manga :)#random rambles#Almost forgot. When I say b/sd is racist...#It's not only that every single foreigner is by definition a villain.#It's Kunikida saying “He was born abroad‚ but he grew up here. It's not unusual here‚ in this crucible of ability user criminals.”#Which sounds pretty much like saying that everyone coming from abroad must automatically be a criminal. Which.#Yikes
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#I stood next to Sierra Ferrell in the “poser pit” tonight and it was legitimately horrifying how… Watched.. I felt#I have spent a long time learning how to attend concerts by myself and like coping with the anxieties about being percieved#Especially if Sam shouts me out#But even surrounded by people I know Very Well.. the moment everybody lazer focused on us/her i felt extremely seen.#And like of course I Understand It because I hear the way Taylor talks about it and Sam has described it a bunch#But I’ve never experienced the… hunger? The anticipation? Expectation?#Sam usually knows everybody and people come up and compliment him while I’m standing there#But this was very sinister.#And like we took a break and went over where there’s less lights and sound and people and cameras and talked about it by the trees and art#But like the backstage/green room was so industrial and bright. I’ve never been in one like that before (usually dark and damp LOL)#And Sam was like yeah this is why it fucks people up#And like it just makes sense to me in a new way now. Idk.#Being famous is horrible yeah#Something about the involuntary/nonconsensual nature of a lot of the experiences#C#Fame#Just yeah my heart broke for how isolating that must have felt to be her in that moment#This is what you came for#Tiwycf
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Parent: you doing okay?
Me: I’m going to rip my fucking wrists off, my knuckle out, knees off, my shoulders, my ankles, my feet, I’m going to multilate myself beyond comprehension if this pain can subside yeh I’m alright, a lil tired, it’s okay tho :)
#just tell me#why must we have to just#crawl along this existence#why can’t we all just#take a collective lil break#tfw you feel like the only way your pain will go away is to literally remove what hurts#I’m okay tho#just rambling#chronic pain maybe#fibromyalgia
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I am experiencing... frustration.
#monster noises#why must the ideas you can see the clearest in your head be the hardest to capture?#I'm trying to make a new phone lock screen#(currently I'm using the drawing of laz and heis on the motorcycle and while I looove that image it's been there for a few years now)#and I have a very Precise Idea of what I want it to be#in the same style as I did my FaHI playlist cover#but I can't seem to get the thumbnail looking in anyway Correct#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening#then when I try and like actually figure out what I need to Fix it's like my brain blanks out and I"m stumbling around completely clueless#and then I just start uselessly spiraling and just AUGH#why can't I have the kind of brain that hits a barrier and proceeds to problem-solve?#why do I have to have a brain that hits a barrier and just.. rolls over in defeat#not even a tantrum or a breakdown#just#0 resistance laying down and giving up#it's stupid and I'm mad about it but I still don't know what to do about it at all#I wish I could explain it in a way that would allow someone to maybe be able to help me actually#cause it seems every time I try there's always some fundamental misunderstanding about Which Step In The Process Is Challenging#like that one time I tried asking about it on twitter#asking if anyone had resources for How to be better at learning from and interpreting references/doing studies#or just learning for art purposes in general (in a way that won't cause me to Break Down)#and people linked a bunch of how-to's on how to Draw from Reference#and I know those /Sound/ like the same thing but they arrrrren't#and I know those people's heart's were in a good place but I know How to use a reference#I know How to do a life drawing or a study#I get it on a practical level#but there is something fundamental to the process of interpreting and understanding what exactly I'm doing that I just...#Don't Have#and That's really really Really hard to explain#it's like how I'm actually good at math I just can't do word problems because I can't glean what is required of me from a word problem.
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