#WHEN MY MOM WOULDN'T PAY FOR MINECRAFT

[hrts4wonu]

“이상한 왕국” : spoilers

translation: the strange kingdom

you grew up in a small village, in a kingdom ruled by an evil queen who's time will soon end which was being celebrated by your peers. but, little did they know, another kingdom has arrived not to celebrate along with you all, and instead end the innocent lives of the people who live in this kingdom. the large, thick concrete walls that circled the kingdom crashed to the floor and fires were spreading everywhere. nobody else had escaped in time, you think. for days, you ran and ran and ran. far away from the kingdom that you thought was safe forever. 'what was i thinking? there's no forever, just like what my mom said.' you say to yourself as you crash to your knees, tired and barely having enough energy to run anymore. your eyesight was getting blurry the more you ran, and you brushed it off like it was nothing. you finally found the energy to run again after resting. your stomach was grumbling and you were in pain; nobody else survived except you and you were just running away from all of it. just as you were about to stand up, you fall to the ground losing your consciousness. and before you knew it, a kind-hearted prince approaches your figure and yells something out loud to the people near him that you just couldn't find the energy to pay attention to. 'fate' you thought before completely closing your eyes and fading into the dark abyss. when you woke up the next day, you were in some sort of bed. you gathered everything inside of you to stand up and walk— which, you couldn't quite do because of your exhausted legs and the wounds on them. the same prince from yesterday approached you worryingly and places you back on the bed, “what happened? are you okay?” he utters in such a panicked yet loving voice. you shook your head no in response. “another kingdom.. attacked ours.” you add to your nod, looking away with a frown. and from then on, you and the prince had become great friends; you now lived in the so called ‘isanghan wang-gug’ or in english, ‘the strange kingdom’

tags. seventeen, royal au, ex ruler reader / yn, ot13, colonized village, kingdoms, fantasy, fairytale

warnings. violence (not quite), smut, slowburn, harem, seventeen x reader, arguments, swearing, sparring, unprotected sex (don't do this), overstimulation, tying up / bdsm, forced marriage, etc. (tell me if i missed anything!)

a/n: hey, starlings. kim here<3 this royal au is not inspired by anyone (i'm serious btw). this idea originated from the time where i used to play minecraft and i just all of a sudden went like 'oh my god, what if i make castles for seventeen? like an entire kingdom?' and i did. i wasn't able to technically finish it due to the fact that my minecraft wouldn't open anymore and yeeahh.. anyways, i made my own lore for it but instead of sending it to my friends i wanted to post it here on tumblr instead ^_^

-👑-

RELEASE DATE : January 1, 2024 - January 13, 2024 (between those dates)

UPDATES : every 2 weeks / 1 month

MASTERLIST ;

MEMBERS & INFORMATION:

#1:

#2:

SEASON 1: The Journey Begins

ep 1:

ep 2:

ep 3:

ep 4:

ep 5:

ep 6:

ep 7:

ep 8:

ep 9:

ep 10:

SEASON 2: Eye Of The Evil

ep 11:

ep 12:

ep 13:

ep 14:

ep 15:

ep 16:

ep 17:

ep 18:

ep 19:

ep 20:

SEASON 3: Equality's Dead

ep 21:

ep 22:

ep 23:

ep 24:

ep 25:

SEASON 4: The Hurricane

ep 26:

ep 27:

ep 28:

ep 29:

ep 30:

ep 31:

ep 32:

ep 33:

SEASON 5: Roses, Wine, & Assassin 8

ep 34:

ep 35:

SEASON 6: Hidden Secrets

ep 36:

ep 37:

ep 38:

ep 39:

ep 40:

ep 41:

ep 42:

ep 43:

ep 44:

ep 45:

SEASON 7: One Last Glimpse

ep 46:

ep 47:

ep 48:

ep 49:

ep 50:

a/n 2 : i might do more but for now, i will try continuing this and finishing all 7 seasons in 2024. i'm currently going to start with the first episodes now and might make the release date earlier than what i want it to be or maybe push it back to a later date.

[thedisablednaturalist]

My parents found out about the present I bought myself for my birthday. I worked my max hours to afford it. I had it shipped to my bfs house so they wouldn't see it. Apparently I missed a receipt that was hidden in the box. Idk how they got it anyway cause I put the box out with the trash/recycling. My mom was being so cruel about it and how I keep buying myself "lavish" gifts (most stuff I buy for fun is like $10-$50 max). I always plan my purchases and have never missed a credit card payment. Most of my money goes towards doctors visits, medication, car maintenance and gas, accessibility items/ergonomic stuff, cat food and litter, and hygiene. Recently I stopped most of my subscriptions save for a cheap minecraft server. The bulk of my pay goes into savings which have really grown since I got my raise. I also give my parents $400 in rent each month. I'm trying to save up for a recliner to replace my bed but I don't want to use the money I've already put away.

Like ok, maybe I'm not mr.frugal. maybe i sometimes buy more expensive things because they're more convenient (like already cut vegetables/fruit or preprepared meals) but like my hands fucking hurt and sometimes I don't have the spoons to feed myself. Maybe I fall prey to impulse purchases once in a while. Im learning and I'm trying to learn how to budget bc now I have to also pay for insurance until I can get on medicaid.

My mom acts like I don't care. She sees amazon packages come for me and think theyre all toys or expensive skincare or junk when its actually body wipes for when I cant shower/so i dont come back from the field to the office all stinky. Its a trash can I can keep on my bedshelf so I dont throw trash onto the floor instead. Its knee braces because my knees fucking suck. Once in a while Ill see something on sale that ive been wanting for a while and will grab it. And the most expensive skincare I use is $20 for a jar that lasts me 3 months. I have to keep my skin clear or ill pick and have scabs and blood all over my face again. I spend money on drag because it MAKES me money. Last time I got paid $100 from the venue and $50 in tips. One time I got paid $300 from the venue (i dont remember how much in tips).

Im trying my best. Im working with 3 government agencies rn to get a job and get health coverage. Im working my ass off at my job when i probably shouldnt be working (my mom laughed when I mentioned this). I'm constantly doing things to earn me money or to make life a bit less painful. Even streaming is a desperate attempt to make a career/side gig out of something I enjoy and doesn't make me flare up. I only watch shows when im with my bf or when im doing chores or working. I rarely play video games. When I flare I lay in bed and scroll Tumblr or play a mindless dress up game where I only have to move my thumb. I cry almost everyday. I cry on the way to work. I cry holding my cat in so much pain i cant move.

The only big frivilous purchases I've made is the present and a new graphics card (I haven't replaced my old one in a decade). The present cost $230 and the graphics card cost $800. Both of these I saved for. I might buy a nice skirt once in a while but thats pretty much it. I also spread out big purchases over time when I can.

Am I spoiled? Maybe. Maybe my parents are right and I'm a lazy spoiled kid who just makes excuses. But my pain is real, constant, and severe.

I have friends who's birthday presents consist of trips to fucking italy or the bahamas. Who complain when their parents drag them on yet another international vacation. Some are amazing people who are grateful and work their asses off. And some of them are a bit entitled. My mom said most 26 year olds are living on their own with jobs and I fucking laughed. The only 26 year olds with their own apartments especially in my area either have 5 roommates in a 2 bedroom shithole, got lucky and have a high paying tech job, their parents pulled strings to get them hired, or their parents are paying partly or fully for their apartment.

And when i tried to find an apartment? She discouraged me and told me id never be able to afford one (correct) but now im suddenly able to when it suits her argument? Ive been heavily job hunting for over a year and got ONE interview who ghosted me after two interviews. I make $2k MAX. Rent in my area is $1700-2500 for a freaking studio. The $1700 one doesn't let you see the apartment and gets snapped up immediately. And these are all apartments within a 2 hour radius. All the "affordable housing" is for people 55 and older.

Like I literally have no options. I can't move until I get a job in that area. I can't leave the country cause Im disabled and also thats fucking expensive. My bf makes less than me and even combined we couldn't afford a place.

Literally, I've never been suicidal before. Ive never struggled with that due to my fear of death. But all of this? Ive recently had suicidal thoughts and its fucking scary. Thoughts that killing myself would make it easier for everyone else. That it would be easier to just end it, that life will always be a living hell and i should just give up. And thats fucking scary! I shouldn't have those thoughts! But that's how bad it is.

I try to do what my therapist told me. I try to set boundaries. But setting a boundary means not eating dinner bc I leave when my parents yell at me. I try to think positively and ignore the pain. I probably walk an average of 1-2 miles a day. I try and try and try and it hurts so much. They can't be proud of me? For even big victories? Guilting me about graduation cause I took too long. Keeping a job for more than a year (its not a REAL job cause its hourly and doesnt have benefits).

Like what's the point? I've been fighting and fighting and most of the world wants to see me dead and gone anyway. I'm trying to work in a field that doesn't even consider people like me. If I cant work Ill just bring my boyfriend and my family down. Every step forward I manage to take I get dragged back 10.

Im so tired and ashamed and stressed and my fucking body hurts worse now because of the stress and i just dont want to wake up tomorrow.

[ang3l1c4l-b00]

I bbet he hates me I should've stayed with my groomers I ahouldjt have blocked kale I miss calling at night and hearing him talk about his problems and how the girl he likes is a bitch that hooked up with him I miss hearing him smoke and talkabout his experiences with drugs I just want to feel special I want him to spam me and get angry at me for not begin able to play Minecraft he reminds me so much of Her I miss her too Juno I miss you I miss how gross and used I felt when we talked and how she'd threaten to kill herself when I didn't felt like roleplaying or sexting I miss how much I cried when we broke up and in less than an hour she was with another kid even younger than me I miss it because it made me feel like I was worth something and it made me feel alive I miss feeling alive I've been so stressed and numb lately I can't even cry because I don't drink enough water because I forget to sometimes I even forget how to breathe and it's so annoying and I just I want to be loved I want to be loved and held and I want someone to show me that I'm lovable I want to feel like I deserve it and I want to feel love because it's considered the most human feeling and I want to feel human I need to feel real and not like I'm dead I feel like I'm rotting alive and dead inside most of the time and I can't do anything right everyone is mad at me all the time because I'm so stupid and I'm worthless and my bff hates me and I can't talk to anyone without feeling like a burden I don't want to feel like a burden I deserve love right people love me right please I just need to feel something other than empty and numb I miss Cassidy I remember how empty I felt when she ran away and we didn't talk for like a month and I dated her out of pity but I always do I date people because I want someone to love me and pay attention to me because my mom never did any ways she never noticed I was begin abused either and when she noticed I was on wattpad at age 11 saying inappropriate stuff she told me it was my fault and that I should know better I hate her I remember when her bf wOuLd puput his cigarettes out on me and I remember telling her that he's the death of all good things in life after he raped me and she laughed it off I wish I could tell her but she wouldn't believe me she doesn't even acknowledge the fact I was raped when I was 3 but I remember it it's the most vivid memory of my whole childhood because the rest is a fucking blurry void and whatever

[drippingacheron]

but you showed me that that wasn't true, you showed me that it was love and there is nothing in the world that compares to how it feels when someone loves you with every thing that they are, I think about your willingness to play minecraft with me, overwatch with me, any of it, and all of it I miss it with every being of my soul. I stare at your Xbox and your × Days since seen at home, on your gamertag and it chips a little more from me every day, thank you for doing my hair, of course we both liked how it looked but more than that it was yet another comfort you provided me with, another investment of yourself and time in me that I could never ever pay you back enough for. Thank you for giving me hope for the future, that I never had before I never didn't wanna be dead in a couple years until you changed that for me. Thank you for sleeping next to me, despite my horrible horrible snoring, thank you for sleeping next to me despite the weird times we had to do it because of my job, thank you for camping with me, when you would be much comfier in our AC at home, never once did you complain. Never once did you deny me, you would agree and be at my side at a moments notice, getting things ready for us making sure we had everything we needed, thank you for the adventures thank you for enduring the cold ass water thank you for enduring the long car rides, thank you for being there when I bought my bike thank you for having my side against my mom even though it had to be scary that she wouldn't like you for choosing what I wanted, thank you for your fearlessness in loving me, you were my life's great love and I'll never experience any of the depth you brought to my life ever again. I'll be alone until I can't take it anymore, Ill search for fractions of you in every person i meet, I'll chase even a fraction of the feelings of love and comfort that you gave me, I'll hurt and I'll suffer and I'll never find even a fraction of it again but knowing I got to taste it... even for a moment, is the thing I'm thankful for the most. The love and comfort you gave me, it fundamentally changed who I am as a person. It changed my perspective, it changed how I perceived the world, it challenged every single assumption I'd had in my head about humans and how disappointing they were to me. You are truly a soul this world does not a deserve, a soul I don't deserve. A soul I'm thankful every day I got to experienced, my greatest love and my greatest loss and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm thankful for so much more than I could list here, or anywhere. I wish i had the words but I don't know if there's enough of them. I'll search for you for the rest of this life, I'll search for you in every life after that. A thousand years will pass. Every remembrance of this life. And it's suffering, it's love, it's sorrow, it's joy and everything in between will be gone, and still my soul will be searching for yours. I know I've already said sorry, but I couldn't have possibly felt it then like I felt it now and I just want you to know I understand now really just how sorry I'll always be. Life has been unfair for you for a long time, and I knew that, more than anything I wanted to make that different for you. You brought me color in a black and white world and I could never fucking repay you for how good you were to me. I never wanted to let you let you down and I'm sorry down to the fucking core of my being that I did.

[hoodievixen]

Here is the story of my forearm tattoo. I had wanted a tattoo of a sword for a handful of years, since before I was old enough to get a tattoo. At some point it gained the meaning of my struggle with mental health. It didn't start with any meaning, but it got it at some point.

Then just over a year ago I wanted to do something to annoy / shock my mom's family, cause far too much drama. I had enough money saved up, and decided to actually get the tattoo.

I designed it myself. The sword was cartoony, like you'd find in adventure time or old Disney flims, but that's sorta my style. The sword had an uneven blade, cause I've had a fight. I have terrible anxiety and at one point I couldn't go to school. I commonly got the critique of having "just a sword" as a tattoo, mainly by my tattoo - skeptic family. (My sister has one tattoo, and my parents don't mind Tatto as long as they don't get them, nor pay for them). So I decided to as a flower with the meaning of happiness. Now you can get many flower with that meaning, and yet find the same flowers with different meanings. So I decided on Lily of the Valley, which is a unique flower visually, as well as my favorite flower in minecraft. I made a joke that it's my minecraft tattoo.

I made one design I was happy with. I then showed it too my parents, who made some judgemental remarks on it. At the time my mental health still wasn't the best, so I went and made another design that I was not going to show them. I put a lot of work into these designs. I measured out my arm so I'd be drawing it to scale. There had to be like two entire days where I had flower references up on my computer. I put more effort into these than most projects I had in art school.

This is actually my second tattoo, my first is just some Nordic runes, but I still wanted to go to the same studio. Around where I live this studio is the most recommended place to go for tattoos. I decided I'd be fine with two of the artists at the location I wanted to go to. I based it off of other flower tattoos they had done. I just wanted line work, so I wasn't too picky.

I first scheduled a consultation, cause this was my first big thing, and I wanted to share my design. Like I knew the artist would probably change it a bit to make sure it look good as a tattoo, I accepted that. But I still wanted my design to be the heart of it.

Should have probably been suspicious when he tried suggesting a different flower than Lily of the Valley. But my anxiety make me a people pleasure, so I was like "I'd prefer lily of the valley". It had been a virtual consultantation, so he asked me to email him the sketches. I'd assume he'd send his versions when he'd make them, expecially if there was a large divination from my sketches.

The original day for the was only a couple weeks after. However my Dad gave me a bad cold, so I rescheduled to not spread the cold. The new date wasn't until the next month, which I originally wanted the tattoo before Christmas to piss of the extended family, but it probably wouldn't have done anything anyways.

So the day comes, I go in with that mixture of nerves and excitement. He shows me the design. Since he never got back to me, I assumed he stuck pretty close to mine. Nope, the only thing the same was the fact it was a sword and Lily of the Valley, at least he kept the flower the same. But what I drew as a thick broad sword one would hack enemies down with became a delicate saber that I swear I've seen on Pintrest before. I didn't care much about the flower placement, but I wanted that sword. That sword that I imagine in every book, draw on every knight, my thick nonfunctional sword.

But anxiety, I just agreed to it, and told myself I'll grow used to it. I have indeed grown used to it. Even the fact the tip is curved from how my arm was positioned when putting on the stencil. I still wish it was my design though. I'll just look for an artist alright doing the clients designs the next time I'm doing something like this.

Hindsight reveals a lot about the artist. This artist had also been the artist who had done my first tattoo. My friend and I wanted to get tattoos together, like I said mine were Nordic runes, and she wanted song lyrics. He took one look at my friends and said "I can't do that". Which he was an apprentice at the time, but the way he said it was rude.

Then during my session for my sword, of course there was a bit of small talk. I'm an introverted person, so I was on my phone for most of the time. The small talk ended up on videogames, and he wanted to know what kind I liked. Now I go off of graphic and vibe when deciding videogames, so I just told him I was currently playing Hollow Knight and Hades. And he was quick to call them dungeon crawlers, which neither are. I just agreed, cause I didn't care, but looking back seems sorta mansplainy to me.

If it was an option, I wouldn't go back to him. Luckily he recently quit.

[averagetransman]

October 29th, 2024. 9:11 PM

Oh. Oh, dear God. I was not expecting to see this again but I might as well answer since it's been 4 years.

Dear 14 year old me:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to endure that pain. I'm sorry to say I barely remember that moment now, but maybe that's for the best. What I DO remember is the pain, the anger, the abuse he put us through.

I remember RWBY; I haven't watched the final season but I've been meaning to do it for awhile now.

I don't think I'll ever forget those Homestuck pauses. Those were crazy times.

I remember being able to keep up with weekly let's plays. Now...I just don't have the energy for that.

I do remember my band friends, although I barely talk to them anymore. If y'all are reading this, I miss you guys 💔

I do remember the crew, but we don't speak of Ryan. He turned out to be a scumbag and was rightfully fired for it. I guess that villain "persona" wasn't actually a persona at all.

Of course I remember my best friend. I've long since gotten over him, thankfully, and we still have a healthy friendship. Even if things didn't end well between us romance-wise, I'm just glad we could still be friends. I won't cringe; you were just young and hormonal. It's normal. Feelings are normal. Crushes are normal. Don't worry about it.

Dear 17 year old me:

Are you really so surprised at our 14 year old self's cogency, considering how many books we read? I would be more surprised if he WASN'T at least a decent writer.

Yes, dad shutting power off to the entire house for not cleaning your room IS a big deal. It is not something a normal person would do in reaction to that situation. I know he's gaslighted you into thinking you're not being abused because the abuse isn't physical, but you very much are. Please, allow yourself some grace.

Rooster Teeth is no more. The AH crew have all gone their own way, but mostly still stream.

Minecraft Xbox finally ended after many years as well. Ol' Stampy is moving on to greener pastures.

The Homestuck epilogue concluded and Homestuck 2 is still going strong. I need to catch up on it though.

Believe it or not, Jet Set Radio is getting another official entry in the series. No one knows exactly when it will release yet, but from what I've seen, it's going to be great. I just hope SEGA takes the time to make it great.

And now...

Dear 21 year old me:

Yes, we married, but no, we are not in a relationship anymore. To put it simply, I fumbled the bag. Hard. She lives in Austin now. We're still on good terms and maintaining our friendship, but there's no hope of us ever being in a romantic relationship again. And honestly? I'm okay with that now. I don't know if I'll ever be in another relationship again, but maybe one day I'll make peace with that, too.

Her name is Shyloh now. She just turned 5 not too long ago. It's been a very long time since I've seen her. I miss her dearly.

I had to go off of T for awhile due to becoming homeless and because the gel is very expensive, and am now doing injections, despite how much I hate needles. Honestly, though, with mom helping me with it, it makes it much easier. I am now almost one year on T injections. I'm not on blockers, but I don't think I need them...for now.

Her name is Casandra now. She's actually working, but still doesn't know how to drive. Hopefully she'll finish her lessons and get her license soon; as much as I love driving, I really hate revolving around her schedule because she gets up so early in the morning.

And finally, the question that I've been dreading.

Am I successful? No. I'm barely alive. The accident that made me homeless ruined my life, and it's entirely my fault. I still haven't fully recovered, physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially. I don't have a job, I'm living with mom and my sister, and I feel like dead weight. I genuinely believe that if they didn't need me to run errands and stuff, I wouldn't be here typing this right now. I'm damn lucky mom is able and willing to pay for my transition. I just...hope I can find something soon.

And now, questions for future me.

What job do you have now?

Are you still single?

Do you still have your friends?

How's your transition been going?

What's your living situation like?

What has changed in the past 4 years?

That's all for now. I hope future me actually sees this.

-Mateo

APRIL 10, 2014: 10:59 P.M. To my future me: Do you remember me? It’s your 14 year old self. I’m sure by this point you don’t want to remember me, but I need someone to talk to. Remember the night that dad shut the power off because our brother and mine’s rooms were dirty? Remember the anger? The hate? Remember how you drew so many little marks on your left arm to stop you from hurting yourself? I do, and it scares me. That night is the night I’m writing this note for you. I am writing this from my bed, the soft hum of the AC and old Christmas tunes bouncing around the walls of my room. I really should be sleeping, but I’m laying here in my bed writing a note for you instead. There are a few things I want you to remember. Remember the excitement for RWBY Season 2? Remember waiting in anticipation for Homestuck to finally come off of hiatus and update? Remember the anticipation of the new Let’s Play Minecraft every week? And Minecraft XBox? Remember Katie and Mercy and Josh and Lindsay and Maddie and all the other friends you met in band? Remember the AH crew: Geoff, Jack, Ryan, Michael, Gavin, Ray? Remember Rooster Teeth? Remember JSRF? Remember Christian? At this point, you’re either laughing, grimacing, frowning, or smiling knowingly. Any one is fine, but knowing us, it’s probably not the last one. I wish I could see your response so I could know what the future holds? Have I had my first kiss? (Probably not.) Am I successful? (Maybe.) Do I still want to stay at least unmarried throughout my life? (Hopefully.) Of course, I’ve changed, but I hope I haven’t changed too much. I have one more thing to say before I go to bed: post this. Even if you don’t use Tumblr anymore, post this. I want people to see what life was like. And finally, write another note to your future self. I want to see how long this tradition will continue. Sincerely, Your 14 year old self

JANUARY 19, 2017: 12:24 P.M. Dear past me- You’re a dumbass, but I don’t blame you. It’s clear you were still in the ‘no marriage at all ever’ phase when writing this. As for first kiss…well, let’s just say you may have gone farther than that. I’m surprised at the difference in writing style, too…your thoughts are actually collected and in order, and mine, well…I didn’t answer any of your questions in order. I’d say getting upset over dad shutting the power off is no big deal (just clean your damn room) but I understand your depression was a LOT worse back then. I am now heavily medicated and have gone to multiple therapy sessions to help me cope with my mental illnesses. RWBY is in season 4, Let’s Play Minecraft is into the 200s, Minecraft Xbox is into the 400s, and Homestuck has officially ended (although I’m still waiting for that FUCKING epilogue). Yes I remember JSRF. It’s only, like, the best game ever. Yes, I remember all my friends from band, how could I not? They shaped me as a person. You’ll meet more wonderful friends later on in your band career. Sadly, Ray left Rooster Teeth, but now there’s Matt and Jeremy-those guys that made the Grifball map. They’re seriously awesome. Also, you’re fucking stupid if you think I’d ever forget Christian. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I care about him more than most anyone else. He’s like family, and so much more… Am I successful…? Well. Not quite yet. I’m getting there. Success takes time, and I’m taking small steps as not to stress myself. I’m still alive, and if that isn’t success then I don’t know what is. You’re going to be OK, kid. Hang in there. -Future You P.S. I fixed some spelling/grammar errors in your note. You’re welcome.

[freud4momz]

MY SHIT SO SCUFFED I CAN’T PLAY AMONG US KEEPTS CRASHING I WILL NEVER BE COOL LIKE YOU GAMERS

WILL TAKE A SAD NAP THEN LIVE OUT AMONG US DREAMS THROUGH TIKTOKS AND FANART THAT FOLLOW ME EVERYWHERE I GO

[karlsjackbox]

mom, he's bullying me! | platonic! irl!ranboo x streamer!gn!reader

Irl ranboo (Or the bench trio, that's cool too) with a older sibling figure/mom friend? Ofc it's platonic djwjdjjw ppl usually think reader is older but they are like...19. they/them prns despite the mom friend title if that's okay! If you feel like this is a weird request I'll understand! Thank uthank u for the request :DD

> summary: ranboo and his mom friend :D

> type: fluff

> warnings: cursing

> irl!

> word count: 467

ranboo was streaming with tommy, the pair running around the smp. tommy kept on pushing ranboo off of various cliffs or into water, cackling loudly when ranboo would let out exasperated huffs.

"y'know what. i'm telling on you." ranboo scratched his cheek, watching tommy's character stop moving. "you wouldn't dare." the brit warned, though his voice wavered.

"wanna bet?" ranboo left the vc, eyeing the chat from the side as he rang y/n on discord. chat started spamming a mash of keysmashes, and random words going by too fast he couldn't read. tabbing back into minecraft, tommy was beating his character with sticks and spamming the chat.

"hello?" y/n answered a second later, confused on why ranboo was calling with no warning during their stream. ranboo let out a smile, "hi y/n."

y/n's eyebrow rose, looking at their camera with hard eyes. "whats happening now?" they questioned, head resting on their hand as they teasingly rolled their eyes at their camera. "what do you mean? nothing is happening can i not just call a dear- tommy was making fun of me and trying to kill me." ranboo spoke fast, getting a warm giggle from y/n.

"alright, let me get on the server."

ranboo left the call, rejoining the one with tommy where the blond was currently sat yelling. he was ranting, loudly, to his chat about how stupid ranboo is. "tommy?"

"oh. hello ranboo. have you gone and told on me like a little bitch boy?" tommy questioned, speaking fast as he flailed his arms around. the noise of another person joining the vc played, though tommy payed no mind and continued to angrily rant. "tommyinnit." y/n spoke, voice flat.

"hello y/n." tommy mimicked, silence floating. "leave ranboo alone or else i will beat your ass. thats my little brother you are disrespecting and only i can talk shit." they quickly logged onto the server, standing in f5 for the stream.

"little brother?!" tommy yelled, slamming his fists onto the desk. "no! i am your little brother. not this little--ranboo!" he fought, making y/n sigh and rub their temples.

y/n typed in chat quickly, ignoring tommy. coords? they whispered to ranboo, the brown haired boy typing back that they were at the old community house. y/n ran down, watching tommy's character punch ranboo's. "tommy." y/n spoke in the same voice from earlier, tommy's character slowly turning to meet y/n's eyes.

screaming loudly, tommy logged out of the server once he noticed the netherite axe in y/n's hand. he left the vc as well, starting to speak quickly.

y/n and ranboo let out laughs, y/n's character running to ranboo's and punching him. "thanks, mom." ranboo teased, making y/n punch him again. "whatever."

sorry if this was ooc i dont watch ranboo much >.<

[dzpenumbra]

9/3/22

Journal time. At 6 A.M., before going to sleep. Totally normal stuff over here, folks! Totally nothing going wrong in my life if I'm going to bed at 6 A.M. regularly. No need to ask, people who are aware of it, totally doing fine! Don't anyone pull a muscle running to offer me a hand, now!

Meh, I don't know. People don't really understand what they haven't experienced. The stillness of isolation, the amount of energy that goes into distractions when you live alone, and your cat sleeps all day so there's nothing actually moving in your entire sensory perimeter.

My stomach is hurting right now, the discomfort has sorta revved my ADD brain super fast tonight so my flow of thought is kinda jumping all over the place. I wanted to talk about the good side of isolation, the insights you get about your self and the human condition at 6 A.M. with nothing moving but a spinning box fan and some animated gif on the right side of the screen. But I had an intrusive realization that I'm narrating now, that I am kinda... not even consciously, I would wager... being punished for bonding. It was like a lightning bolt insight, I love and hate when those happen, they are so sudden. It's the same thing as inspiration, so it's really good and cool to see it still works. But this... sudden intrusive realizing... it can fuck you up when you see... realize... things that you aren't really emotionally ready to process yet. The suddenness can be jarring. At least for me, I am exceptionally emotionally sensitive. And physically sensitive too. And aurally, I guess, I have very strong connections between emotions and physical sensations, I think that might be why music resonates so much with me. But yeah, the realization based on today's fun little cup of tea with my Mom just taught me some heavy shit.

When I bond with my Mom, it very rarely ends positively, at least in the end... I don't know, I'm second guessing myself. I don't need to make sweeping generalizations to make my point, I'm kinda getting at today so maybe I'll keep to talking about that. I showed her the projects I have been working on. I showed her the walking staff I have been carving improvised engravings into. I showed her the stones I have been hand-polishing for jewelry. I showed her the two jewelry pieces I have made already.

We talked about Twitch and YouTube. I mentioned I feel absolutely lazy and lame as fuck for just sitting around playing Minecraft by myself... NOT streaming it. Not playing with my friends. On a multiplayer Minecraft server. That I'm paying to host. Like... fuck, dude. Dead honest, wouldn't you feel lame?

I keep trying to get her to even understand what Twitch is, why people even go there. I haven't even started with Discord. It's crazy, it's like trying to get an Amish person to use a fucking telephone with half my friends, I just don't fucking get it. You're not in your 90's Jebediah, it's a place to fucking hang out with your friends and laugh. Like a bar or something. So if you don't wanna hang out, then just be honest.

Ultimately, tea went well. Then, as she was packing up to head out and pick up dinner for my dad and her, I mention that I am really scared about moving, and that it's a BIG stressor. And that I need to talk about it soon. Like one of the biggest stressors life has to offer. It's like... getting in a relationship, leaving a relationship, moving and death. Those are like the big ones. Short of trauma, of course, but that fucker's got his own damn category. So... yeah, forgive me if I'm super scared to move to a completely new area after living here for over 1/3 of my life, especially since I'm moving by myself to an area where I know no one. I'm terrified. I'm just standing on the edge of the next life and I'm gonna fuckin jump, I have to jump, there's a forest fire behind me. I'm going to do it. It's 400 feet down and there's only like a 50% chance it's gonna go wrong and I get hurt, but like... that fire is closing in pretty damn fast now... And I can't stay here forever... I really was praying I could get someone to just hold my hand and go with me. Or to set up a net at the bottom. Or at least fuckin watch. But I guess that's too much to expect...

My Mom offered to pay for movers. Don't worry about it, you don't need friends to help you move. I'll pay to make this go away. Do you feel supported now? ... No. I feel bribed. To make my feelings go away. Because they are unpleasant to be around. Because me being traumatically scared, in order to empathize with me there... oh shit, realization time... in order to empathize with me having like a PTSD moment or being deathly scared or something, they would have to imagine what it's like to feel that. Fuuuuuuck. And most of these people, they are masters of denial. Denying their own feelings. Of course they're going to deny the empathetic feelings of others. Goddamn. You know, I wasn't going to engage with that too deep there but that helps me understand people so much better. I hope I can hold on to that, big insights can be fleeting, it's pretty easy to sink back into old habits of how we pretend life is.

So, she pushes back. Thinks I'm ungrateful, unappreciative of her generosity. I try to explain that I am appreciative, though I do admit it's hardly my first priority to convey that. I usually open by expressing clearly how I am feeling, as much as I can through fear. I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm nervous. Then I express examples of other similar situations, what else is going on, to give context. I expressed how I was frustrated I didn't have friends to help me move, how it can make a major life stressor, a very impactful event, into a great bonding opportunity. That way I'm not dreading it. I'd actually be looking forward to it.

I get kinda bopped on the nose for even asking for things like this. For someone to get like... actually involved in my life. Like to just say a nice thing to a friend about my 5 different businesses that I have been running forever. Sit down and look through apartment listings with me. Ask me about my fucking day. But yeah, you know what... let's hire someone to do that. Let's get another therapist in here to pretend to be my friend for money, then say he can' t be there when I need a friend because he's "off the clock". That's a healthy thing to get used to. Weird shit we, who have actually done it, just kinda look past, right?

It's not a fuckin luxury to have strangers help you at important times in your life. It's a penalty. It's a poor substitute, er... rich substitute? hehehe. Sorry. Been watching a Twitch streamer all night, that sense of humor just sticks with me. But people think it is a luxury - to have someone raise your kids for you, to have someone drive you around, to have someone cook for you. It's no substitute for sharing those moments with loved ones. Sharing your life with your loved ones. Instead, you share it with strangers. That shit can fuck with your head, but worse, that shit can fuck with your heart.

So I bonded, had a good day, then expressed weakness and vulnerability. My biggest fear right now and how I need support in that. And I was punished for doing so, because I didn't see hiring a mover as addressing the problem I presented. And did not express gratitude for that offer. Problems like this fight are the most common fight I have. It's fucking with my head very badly.

I continually open up to the people in my support network and tell them the deepest pains I'm experiencing and exactly how I need help, and they offer things that are like... the least you can offer? At least on the low end. Like I literally was grieving a breakup and two friends (one from middle school, one from college) who were murdered, and my friend tried to schedule me in for a phone call next month. Oh, here's the kicker! She's a psychology professor! I am not even fucking making this shit up, hand to whatever god will have me. "I'm a bit busy but I think I can squeeze in an hour or so sometime next month." I couldn't make this shit up, hell, I'd be ashamed to make this shit up because I'd 100% be accused of being cliché or just lazy writing! The things I've had people say to me, it just blows my mind.

Yet I keep leaping. I keep opening up to them and giving them thousands of chances. Because I simply do not have anyone else present in my life and I don't want to be completely alone. Because I'm scared to meet new people. Because I'm scared of people. I know what they do to each other. And I know it's most of them. And I have no one to consult with for guidance. And no one to practice socializing with. So I feel like I have no choice. I have to forgive. I have to endure it. I have no choice right now. It's that or spend time with the cat. Because me showing up alone to a skatepark after not seeing a human face for 2 weeks is... well... probably not a normal interaction. Maybe it is for them, I'm just another person at the skatepark, but for me.... for me... This is a sentient organism that understands complex syllabic language. They speak in allegories, metaphor, slang, and most importantly, subtext. I speak in intonation, body language, honesty and patting on the head. Because 100% off my real-time interactions are with a cat. It was shared with a dog before, but now it's 100% cat. So... human interactions can take a bit of adjusting to. It's a bit intimidating. It's only the hardest and most complex fucking form of communication ever devised, so like... forgive me for being out of practice!

So I've broken the addiction of hiding my feelings and problems out of shame. That was huge. My way of doing it was remembering how to say fuck it and commit to the kickflip. And apply that moment of willpower to asking for help, or talking about my trauma, to opening up and making myself vulnerable to people. Leaps of faith. Like typing your honest thoughts into a journal and posting it online. Right? It helped me find myself, who I really am and how I really feel. But man, it just gets me in a world of shit lately. And so many people are trying to get me to stop and go back to the old me. The old way of just bowing my head, nodding and saying, "yes, please, thank you, you look lovely" no matter what I receive. Otherwise...

I'm fuckin all over the place tonight, but this is what I love about journaling. It's therapy. As long as it's honest. These insights, perspectives I might not have uncovered if I didn't take the time to do this, those can make a huge difference in how you approach future situations. If you can remember stuff like this, which it can be hard to sometimes, for some reason. People are weird like that, creatures of habit, I'm like 100% sure I already wrote something like this earlier in this post. XD Guess it's important! So I really do think it's important for people to do something like this, especially if they don't have someone to do this with interactively. Even if it's a written journal or a note on your phone or something. It's weird at first, but if you really commit to not crossing anything out or deleting stuff (I have been editing a bit lately, and I'm really committing myself to stopping now) you can learn some very helpful things about yourself.

Honesty is incredibly powerful, maybe that's why so many people fear it.

I'm gonna wrap this up because I've been going for a good hour now. I have a weird conversation to have tomorrow, assuming it happens tomorrow. I hope she can understand where I'm coming from, I know she means well. Meanwhile, I think the best thing for me right now is maybe to try to meet people online somewhere? I say, typing this. Well, hi, people. If you feel like sticking around and keeping me company through this move, I'd love the support in a difficult time. Even if it's just reading and tacitly wishing good fortune, every thought is appreciated.

Shit's gonna get weird once I move. Maybe I should like... blog it, or something? Maybe...

<takes off mask>

I already am...

dun dun... DUUUUUUN!

[ideaforfanficsorsomethingidgaf]

Dream Journal #1

I don't know how many will I decide to make and this will be out of order. Different points in my life. TW: Death and just weird stuff in general

So, like I was in a sea, there were raging waves and I was grabbing onto people and some of them died and then we were sliding down on the whirlpool, I was now holding onto two girls wearing hijabs but one purposefully left and was trampled by a raging sea so I held and carried the other one instead, she looked to be 6-7 years old. Then once we were back on land, I was now holding her hand while we walking down a path, a path made of like cement and on the sides were wooden fences and trees, soon we met up with the others on the beach, the girl and I went to the boat with like literal seats, it's like a chair with a table in the middle, so the girl sat next to me and I was looking around when I saw my friends, on the other boat before I saw my mom approaching me and asked if I was okay, I said I was and then I was sad that maybe my backpack was lost to the waves before she left to join the other boat and when I checked from my behind, I was wearing my backpack! I check what's inside which was my phone, wallet, and a small first aid. Before I looked out on the sea ready for the journey again then I suddenly saw blocks, like Minecraft blocks, we were like in some type of mall, the builders next to me were making the clock from outside the building light up so when we went ahead to check, it was working, and then it turned out that some people on the road enjoyed the 'light show' before everything suddenly turned realistic. It was now night time and there were some kids outside waiting for the 'light show' again so I was like, ya know what? Imma ask them if they could do it again, and when I went inside the mall, I passed by someone speaking french to like a travel agency, before I went around and passed by a group of soldiers who greeted me and called me "Ma'am" before I rode the escalator up before I heard them called me a pushover so I told them "I heard that!"

Then when I went upstairs, I saw my mom and two other friends, about to watch a movie, the movie was angry at one of my friends because he didn't pay and he snuck in. So I went up to her and paid ₱100 so I could watch a movie too, so she lead me to like a black van with an emo boy inside who is just sitting silently and seemed shy, as she helped me with the buckle, I asked her to tell when my friends were done watching the movie since I didn't want to be left alone. So next thing I knew, we were exiting the van and I guess I was talking to the emo kid since he seemed to like my friend now. So we went to a like bright yellow house, like the one you'd see on Disney land, we went inside and it was so cool, I went to check the portrait thinking, man I like being on Disney land when suddenly the emo boy jumped on my back and we both laughed before looking around the place. Then the lady led us to our seats, guess we were watching the SpongeBob movie, and we were supposed to sit in the front but I told him that we should take a seat on the middle row so that our necks wouldn't hurt. Then I looked back at the door before looking back to the screen then I woke up.