#WE HAVE SMUPPETS

[burstingatseams]

I’D NEVER LIE ABOUT MY PURE AND HOLY PASSION FOR PLUSH POUNDING!

NAME SOMETHING BETTER THAN THESE SUMMER-READY SOCKPUPPET STUFFERS

BEAUTIFUL BIKINI BABES BEGGING TO BLOW YOU WITH FELT LIPS!!!1!!1!!1!!1

Ugh. I know the Plushrump.com folks were all LIARS but I still love their content and their smuppets even if it is nothing but a joke to them. I have sincere love and lust for puppets. Their mockery is the closest I have to a sincere community of puppetlovers........

[nekropsii]

Do you mind elaborating on how Dave was *sexually* abused by Bro? It's been a long while since I've read Homestuck but i hear many other creators say that that's an "absurd, chronically online" thing to say. so you specifying that that's exactly what happened morbidly piqued my interest (no pushing of course, given the gross subject matter i completely understand if this is not something you're comfortable with answering)

The idea of calling that statement "Absurd" and "Chronically Online" is baffling to me, because you'd honestly need to do significantly more mental gymnastics to say that Dave hasn't been sexually abused by Bro. It's textual, and it's a major part of Dave's intro.

Putting this under a cut, because you're entirely correct- this is a really touchy, disturbing subject matter. But it still needs to get talked about. Lucky for you, I'm perfectly okay with talking about the darker aspects of Homestuck's writing... Without filtering it through a fetishistic lens. I apologize in advance if this is more rambly than my usual essays. It's an uncomfortable series of topics that's hard to tackle for any normal person.

Let's do this.

Content Warning: Heavy Discussion of CSA, Mentions of Incest and Pedophilia.

I think where people are getting tripped up is that they hear the phrase "Child Sexual Abuse" and automatically think of the worst forms of it possible. It's an easy trap to fall into, and a pretty understandable one. The word "Abuse" is loaded, and perceived as an inherently violent, extreme action- a callous, sadistic disregard for the safety of someone who is seen as weaker, something done only by an unfeeling, inhuman monster who wishes to dominate the victim. It's a violent word, so people envision it as a violent crime.

I can't fault anyone for hearing the term "Child Sexual Abuse" being applied to two brothers with a significant age gap and instantly assuming that what's being said is that the older brother is committing absolutely heinous acts on the younger brother. That is easy to digest. That's the simplest takeaway one can get from that statement. It's a fair assumption. I can't fault anyone for assuming that the phrase "Dave was a victim of CSA under Bro's care" means that the person stating it thinks that Bro sexually assaulted Dave. I can't fault them for having the assumption that what is being said is that Bro is an incestuous pedophile. I cannot fault it for a second. It's just the easiest takeaway, and the most mentally and emotionally intense one. It's easy to digest, and easy to get mad at. Because saying that would be wrong.

Most cases of abuse are more subtle and nuanced than its most extreme cases. Sometimes abuse come in the form of Neglect. Even sexual abuse can come in the form of Neglect.

For The Record: We have no reason to assume Bro Strider ever made sexual contact with Dave, nor do we have any evidence to the idea that he even had any sexual thoughts or feelings about him. To assert that idea as fact would be fucked up. But that doesn't automatically negate the presence of sexual abuse.

What I want everyone to understand is that it is sexually abusive to constantly, wittingly expose a child to sexual material, be it websites, videos, photos, or objects. It is sexually abusive to do this, and the fact that Dave is surrounded by sexual objects and pornographic material- and has been since he was a literal baby- should absolutely concern people. The comedy of it is surface level, and a quick prod quickly reveals the abject horror of the situation.

Bro's main business appears to be in the porn industry, specifically making puppet fetish content. A parent being in the porn industry and having a fetish... Isn't inherently a bad thing. Kinks and fetishes are normal, and so is being a sex worker. If that's what you want to do, go for it. But Bro leaves his Smuppets everywhere, which are, by and large, sex toys. Whether or not they are for his own personal sexual gratification is irrelevant to the debate- if you are a parent and your business is making and selling dildos, it is still your job as a parent to hide those dildos from your kid, even if they're not for your own use.

Dave knows this. He knows that Smuppets are sex toys. Dave is very aware of the fetish porn site that Bro runs. Bro knows that Dave knows this. The sexual boundary between Bro and Dave is incredibly thin- inappropriately so for one's own young child. And Dave, the child in this situation, knows this lack of boundaries is wrong... But he's genuinely not in the right place to fully acknowledge it. He's too unsafe still, so he has to keep making excuses to try and bury his trauma.

[Homestuck, page 461.]

The thing you have to keep in mind throughout reading Dave's entire introductory segment is that "Irony" is a code word. A lot of abuse victims, when they're still too unsafe to fully acknowledge their abuse, tend to make excuses for their abuser's behavior in the form of "At Least" statements. As in, "At least they don't hit me", or "At least I can still talk to my friends". Things of that nature. "Irony" is Dave's "At Least". That's him saying "At least this is a joke", "This is creepy, but at least it's not serious", "at least he doesn't mean it".

All of this Smuppet stuff is creepy, and Dave wishes Bro would stop. He wishes he'd put his puppet sex toys away, wishes he'd stop tormenting him every waking moment of his life, wishes he'd stop forcing him to fight. He wishes he wasn't trapped in an apartment that feels like hell, and he wishes he didn't have to hide any drinks and food he could get his hands on in the closet to get any chance at sustaining his own life and body. He wishes he was a normal kid in a normal home with a parent that loves him, just like his friends.

But hey, it's all ironic. At least Bro doesn't mean it, right?

It all stops being abuse when you declare it to be a prank, right?

It's fine, guys.

[Homestuck, page 467.]

Totally fine.

[homestuckreplay]

Maybe Smuppets Aren’t So Bad, Actually???

(page 792-800)

800 pages! This comic is gonna hit 4 digit page numbers before we know it. At the current rate it’ll happen right around the new year.

We learn why Jade’s shirt changes design, and it’s one of her inventions – the WARDOBIFIER. Jade lives on this island that’s extremely tied to Skaia’s power – the frog tower has its own ‘seven gates’ climbing its sides so the frog might represent Skaia itself – so does her technology only work because it’s drawing on that power? Would a wardrobifier be recreatable, following her exact design plans, by a top of their profession scientist/engineer who didn’t have access to that power? Something tells me it would not, so it’s lucky the world is ending because otherwise she would get a bad shock on her first day at MIT.

Jade is like the anti-Dave. While Dave is curating an image, scared to enjoy anything too genuinely, constantly analyzing the layers of irony between himself and his interests to keep them acceptable and ‘cool enough’, Jade will just enjoy whatever weird shit she wants without thinking too deeply about it. She gets SO excited when the electromagnets in the Squiddles work (she totally installed those herself!) and does the big :D just like John when he’s happy. She plays pretend with the Manthro Chaps, which are objectively the most cursed item in any of the kids’ houses (VACCINATION KITS AND DISHWASHER SAFE SLOP TROUGHS???? This is a crime) but she plays with them so innocent and earnestly that it circles back around to being okay.

And of course, she’s a furry – specifically a wolf. Although furries might be a point of ridicule to 2009 internet users, this doesn’t feel placed for shock value, it makes sense for her character. Of course somebody who is okay with playing an instrument badly, will squeal like a piglet and run around shaking fertilizer everywhere, invents a machine just to give herself more shirt designs, and still happily plays pretend games with dolls and stuffed animals at 13 isn’t too attached to human social norms, and of course that person – who also loves nature – will feel more of an affinity with the animal kingdom.

And instead of laughing at her, Dave is cool with this. He drew Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff with ears and whiskers for her! I think Dave wishes he could be more like Jade, understanding deep down that she’s having more fun with her interests than he is, but he’s not safe to be that person day to day. That’s why he smiles during their conversation (p.382), because she’s the person he lets down his guard for.

I think ‘riflekind’ is a boring strife specibus. Rose’s ‘needlekind’ is the best of the four kids, the only one not commonly used as a weapon, although I will give Dave a pass because swords kick ass. But the imps have ‘bunnykind’, ‘umbrellakind’, ‘bookkind’, ‘tirekind’, etc, and Dad has ‘cakekind’ and ‘shavingcreamkind’. I wish the main characters had cooler ones. What if Jade had ‘squiddlekind’? I’m certain their electromagnets could be used to dangerous effect – she could place two either side of an imp’s head and crush it, and could easily retrieve each Squiddle by attracting it with another one.

Page 796 proves @tenaciouschronicler was right (as usual). The pumpkin has disappeared from Jade’s sylladex! So captchaloguing an item does NOT keep it completely safe, although, what the fuck are the appearifier coordinates for somebody’s abstracted inventory??

> Jade: Change your WARDROBIFIER to its ‘Fursuit’ setting.

[conceptofjoy]

Is @limplegsakimbo an account of yours?

i dont have any accounts to my name remember

... fuck this guy is good. either he has severe mental issues or is a conduit for an corrupt higher power. probably both haha. i cant believe skaia net is sponsoring his loony ass. at least i bring in profits.

thought there was only gay shit on this website but looks like i was wrong. well it IS gay but in a "im gonna maul your dick off" type way. does he sell those smuppets? i fucking need one

his insistence that he lives with a fucking kid is a little weird. probably the point. maybe hes hallucinating the whole thing. projecting weird self harming thoughts into another person or whatever. psychoanalysis isnt my thing, plus i dont care

maybe we can collab through skaia net and make a saw x sbahj set. that would be fucking sick. he seems like a frigid son of a bitch so itll take some work

[bro-strider-tgirl-tits]

Thank you, you're my one true friend. You'll get premium access to my OnlyFans when I make it.

I would love to randomly drop my lore here like I'm a father of sorts, but I can't do that simply because if it's random, it looks weird and even attention-grabbing. And I haven't found a funny enough context to insert any of it into yet.

[turntechradiohead]

I’m just wondering why I haven’t seen any fanart predicting what Dirk and Rose’s fucked up new creatures are gonna look like. Anyone remember when before Jade was introduced people on the forums went crazy with predictions about her?

This is what I’m talking about. I need what happened after [S] John: Wake up. to happen again right now please can someone more creative than me get on this

Also since I just reread all the meat timeline stuff recently below the cut is what we know if anyone wants to make serious predictions:

On page 443 the file sent to Terezi containing Dirks finalized species was called SATYR_final2.bro (and satyrs are those guys with horse legs lol) On page 612 Dirk narrates that “A while back, it became apparent that while my Deltritan offspring were to be terrestrial, Rose's were going to be aquatic.” (page 612) so his is the one with legs and Rose’s has the fishy tail Each species is made of a combination of its creator's DNA and, as seen on page 134, up to 6 alchemized objects

PERSONALLY i think the kind of obvious move would be squiddles vs smuppets but i honestly have no idea... This reveal is one of my top predictions for a 10/8 upd8 tho

[val---ium]

alright, bro strider analysis 2

I feel like it should be known that we are given a general age of bro, which definitely can make some of his more questionable actions make a bit more sense. Dave says that bro was "strutting around with that puppet in the 80s," meaning that after doing the math, bro was anywhere between 7 and 16 when he found dave. he was a child, he had no right to raise dave. but his weird guardian instincts, as well as some influence from cal, made him do it. Bro was also not that well off when compared to the other guardians. everyone else had houses when all bro had was an apartment. on top of having to raise a child before reaching age 20, bro's only way of knowing how to live was cal, quite possibly the most vile concoction of personalities out there. then on to cal. like I said in my first post, bro did protect the kids and their session from Jack, but he definitely had ulterior motives at times to cause the scratch, he was likely just prolonging it at some points. that knowledge was likely given to him through cal, there is no way cal was a good influence on bro. Bro also takes serious interest in his smuppets and the like. He very likely could feel shame in this, constantly telling dave that it's "ironic." and Bro's statement that plushrumps rakes in billions is probably more where his "irony" lies. bro also keeps track of his brothers endeavors with SBaHJ, having the page saved, having a funny face on the fridge, and referencing in a note.

it's clear that some aspects of bro's character are built off that weird Muppet babies smut guy with the puppets and saw and shit, but that's not as fun. idk how to end this, I might make another if I feel the urge

[broadway-roxy]

[Original song + lyrics by Kyle Gordon // Artwork by effervescentBlues // Mix and Roxy Vocals by Tex ft. CL as Lil Hal]

Women are their favourite guy ;) Me n Hal just love 2 b absolute menaces at karaoke (thx to @broadway-dirk for letting me borrow him :P)

Lil Hal: Alert, alert! DJ Crazy Times If you want parties to be making Have some noise Bratislava!

All the women in the world Let me see your beautiful faces Oh, I've got an idea World peace!

Roxy: When the pleasure is a dream on a secret love And the people wanna make a fun We are losing control on a floor tonight Take your heart into a unicorn

If the sky is not green, but the sky is blue Have a passion in a million way Touch it, make it twice, beforе I cry Heaven is a time today

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Lil Hal: Put your hands up in thе air!

Roxy (and Lil Hal): All of the dream (C'mon, c'mon) How does it mean? (Let's go, everybody go) When the rhythm is glad (C'mon, c'mon) There is nothing to be sad (That's right, oh, that's right) Danger and dance (C'mon, c'mon) Clapping the hands (Electric, electric) When we out in the space On the planet of the

Lil Hal: Bass.

Life, it never die Women are my favourite guy Sex, I'm wanting more Tell the world, "Stop the war" Boom, hear the bass go zoom Have a body, feel the groove Cyber system overload Everybody movement

Roxy (and Lil Hal): All of the dream (C'mon, c'mon) How does it mean? (Let's go, everybody go) When the rhythm is glad (C'mon, c'mon) There is nothing to be sad (That's right, oh, that's right) Danger and dance (C'mon, c'mon) Clapping the hands (Electric, electric) When we out in the space On the planet of the

Dirk: Bass.

[Spoken] Lil Hal Hello, are you at phone? Roxy Yes, it's true, yes, it's true Lil Hal Are you the girl of the love? Roxy Yes, I am a girl Lil Hal I love you and feel groove Roxy I love you too Lil Hal I want the smuppets on the phone Roxy I am so alone in the night Lil Hal Goodbye Roxy Goodbye Lil Hal And tonight, I will never die Roxy That is good to me as well as that

[smuppetshowmovie]

date: November 20, 2022 caption: the arches project: The Smuppet Show

Chorus: This is what we call The Smuppet Show!

I'm pretty pleased with this simple bit of movie magic. This was filmed as three separate shots and then I "composited" them together (by which I mean I cropped the videos and shifted them up and down to make the three levels of archways).

The puppet movement was more tricky than I expected. Mr Bee and I each had three puppets to maneuver at a time. But! We only have two hands each! Finding arm positions where the puppets were visible but our arms weren't visible was a challenge! In the end what worked best was using masking tape to temporarily attach two puppets to a stick (laser-cutting the sets left me with lots of leftover wooden sticks) so one hand could operate the two puppets on the stick and the other hand could hold the third puppet.

We had to do so many takes! Puppets were constantly flopping over or getting caught on the edge of an arch. I hadn't really thought much about choreography in advance either. I thought it would be easy to just sort of bob back and forth in sync. It's harder than it looks! I got better at learning how to think about the puppet scenes as time went on, but looking back at the beginning I am reminded of how much I still had to learn!

[alfiely-art]

Been playing genesis project w my bestie, we have been Hoarding Smuppets the whole time. I also discovered I can clone myself and so I made a clone and stuck him near a mountain dew can to slowly kill him due to radiation

(My clones look different depending on where I spawn them. At my house he looks like my first design, in my land he looks like my current design, etc)

[sweetepic]

lately i feel like blogging again. i like posting hideous opinion pieces which i personally think is a good outlet for creativity. last time i had a blog it got deleted by blogger because evan williams is a fat stinking piece of shit. when i first started troubleshooting this is what the google help desk gave me.

just in case i wanted to kill myself i guess.

that was a year ago now. i tried at least getting the domain back but they wouldnt let me. i hope evan williams slips on a banana peel and falls down 34 flights of stairs.

but yesterday i did actually get my shit back. i had to do the code all over again because i lost the old one. i really hate coding. everything looks fine now except for the comment section. i dont expect to get comments anyway but id at least like to fix it to suit my taste. ill probably drop the link here whenever i finish it and start posting.

i dont have any other updates. im way behind on smuppet manufacturing because i was busy doing other shit. i made a big ass clown doll for my best friends birthday because he is obsessed with clowns. its fucking hideous but he loves it. im not posting it here because its sentimental.

i do have a pink smuppet somewhere thats halfway done. i think its on the floor in my closet currently. its a christmas gift so i wont be keeping it but ill still post pictures when im done. the shape has been looking a lot better than the last guy. i still hate these things and i hate myself for making them.

also ive been in contact with the puppet lady. we went over everything and its going to take $900 to get lil cals head done. i was really picky about the whole thing. hell have a functional mouth and moving eyes. the rest is on me because i dont trust anyone else to put him together in a way thats accurate. i have a kind of dedication to replicating my nightmares that frankly should be studied by psychologists across the globe. maybe ill actually talk about the real reason for all of this at some point but that would ruin the fun of speculation.

also shoutout to my man @ovkl for being my one and only fan on this journey. youre a real one.

heres something i did a while back to make my room a little more homey. its older than the goddamn smuppets but its still something for you to look at. its also my favorite thing on my wall.

hell yeah dawg

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 446 - 613

jumpscare.

YOU.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

I remember when Skate was the punching bag of the internet.

he’s so lame.

Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners. Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.

what is it.

this is the most important mystery in all of Homestuck that is never answered, what the fuck is his password.

I know multiple people who have a desktop that looks just like this.

also Delirious Biznasty.

Complete Bullshit is my favorite weird parody thing Hussie puts in because I know many content aggregators that were as fucking unusable as this, and you would just put page after page of shit because you wanted all of your funny little things in 1 site.

it’s a really good, general spit take on the internet, that does not name any CURRENT or RELEVANT BRANDS of SOCIAL MEDIA that MAY OR MAY NOT DATE THE COMIC and also COME OFF AS FUCKING STUPID.

anyways.

Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

I like the little detail of the 2 Striders keeping up on each other’s work in their bro rival irony shitcore thing.

oh god here we go.

there’s a lot of signs that Hussie was indeed a forum guy, the general humor, the unabashed shitting on other people’s work, the focus on, well, forums, all that jazz. but this really signals that status to me, this weird and esoteric fetish site that burns your eyeballs. because the age old tradition of a forum user is to find and laugh at obscure fetishes discovered in the depths of the internet, like discovering that guy on DeviantArt who made an image of Joker about to drink the ocean water, shit like that is the lifeblood of forum humor. to see how accurate this mock porn site is, speaks volumes about where Hussie was online.

now, I say shit about obscure fetishes, but...

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

honest to god the funniest fucking detail to ever exist surrounding Bro, there is enough people in this world to fund the Smut Puppet empire, worth billions, but also this fucking guy lives in TEXAS, in a SHITTY BRICK APARTMENT, and just eats TAKEOUT all day in his fucking disaster of a room. he just uses none of the money I guess.

It's not unfair to suspect the regulars who frequent the little chat box on plushrump.com are just chatbots that bro programmed to talk to each other about puppet smut, to help lure curious visitors into the squishy fold of expensive platinum memberships and such.

I want to consider this canon solely because it feels like a peak Dirk thing to do to make realistic AI that only just get off digitally to weird shit like puppets.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.

NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE.

fear.

true fear.

I like how Dave’s 1st way of responding to the Puppet Realizations is to just constantly chat to everyone about how cool they are and not totally living nightmare creatures.

TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome

just “PUPPETS ARE SO DAMN COOL!!! I LOVE PUPPETS!!! SO AWESOME!!!” as he is internally seething like no tomorrow.

Cringe Ass iPhone User.

ok we revisit that conversation where Rose talks about visiting the puppet porn sites and there’s commentary but...

Rose likes bro's puppet porn sites. It's almost like they would have similar styles and would get along pretty well if bro was her age. Oh well, that's the end of that fruitless hypothetical reverie.

THAT DOESN’T TELL ME ANYTHING, HUSSIE.

WHY DID SHE GO TO THE SITES, HUSSIE.

WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT????

murderous intent.

imagine you’re in your suburban American house and next door you hear some fucking child just screaming next door about cakes and clowns and shit, imagine that and you have now known what it’s like to be neighbors to the Egberts.

yeah I’m a bit of a gamer.

he’s SO SAD, augh.

girl’s so silly, girl’s so silly.

EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool? TT: Does he? EB: he's so dumb!!

John you are unaware of horrors beyond your imagination.

die.

FUCKING BEATDOWN BABY YEAAAH!!!

I’m a big fan of John going hog fucking wild on these imps and then WV is just like “good morrow fine sire Johnathan!”

fuck yes, fridge wins the game.

dumbass.

he eats books, this is important to the plot, you need to know this.

oh shit it’s THE puppet pesterlog.

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

truly iconic words never spoken any better. I have no idea how Hussie said any of this on the fly in real life before plopping it in this comic.

GET IT??? IT’S A CAPTCHALOGUE CARD BECAUSE IT HAS A CAPTCHA ON THE BACK!!!!

I love how Hussie planned out an entire cipher for punch card patterns, like a crazy person.

KILL.

TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER

  -- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS--

this is ominous, he is fucking fuming.

this is an amazing panel and I will hang this up on the wall.

this is the 1st instance of the guardians being knowledgeable of the events of Sburb, except this one doesn’t really go anywhere because Dad doesn’t really do anything involving it, so it’s just kind of weird.

I enjoy the implication that Dad fully expected John to just fucking deadlift a safe in a showcase of pure Man-Ness.

fuck this hat.

your racism levels are increasing!!!!

the tub is not racist, it levels up in uh

clean.

and such is the best part of this object leveling gag.

fucking Vaulthalla.

HELP HIM! HE’S GOING TO FALL!!!

AND THE BIG MAN IS HERE!!! HOW WILL HE SURVIVE????

the inhuman Strider ability of flashstepping is observed.

oh my god it’s the Muppet Babies comic.

Cheerfulbear Play With Me is genuinely some of the funniest shit I have ever read, this strip alone is pure genius, the fucking zoomed in Kermit Billy with the cutoff text always gets me.

Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time). You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT". But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.

Bro Strider might be the only man on Earth who has successfully committed psychological warfare via puppets.

trying to fucking microwave my pizza but I cut myself on the inconveniently placed BATARANG on the counter.

You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident. It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.

how much did Bro pay the FBI to not swat his shitbox apartment for creation of Not So Good Content.

Game Over. (Saw Reference. (Reference To The Movie Saw. (The Movie.)))

now imagine a world where the Buster Sword was used to alchemize, the possibilities, endless.

See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something? This kitchen is pretty much useless.

circling back to the puppet industry, billions of dollars earned, everyone in the house eats reheated shit like takeout and frozen meals. truly dining like kings.

It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus.

WEEB!

creature.

Oh god more shitty swords. Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked. If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.

ok can I just say that malnourished Dave is 1 of the weirdest headcanons I’ve seen out of this fandom.

like, you can take the abusive Bro angle anywhere and extrapolate it from a lot of early writing, but the “ im a starving child starving to death” one is where I am just left confused. I saw him talk about eating a burrito, you saw him talk about eating a burrito, he uses the microwave to consume, there is a kitchen that is used as best as it can for food despite the fucking BUSTER SWORD there, he even refuses to eat fuckin carrots as a baby. man’s entire diet must consist of dried ramen, Hungry Man steaks, and reheated pizza.

which is still a terrible way to feed your kid, give that little man a fucking apple or something, but I feel that’s a world’s difference from Dave Strider Is Malnourished.

yeah he does hide the food away but I feel like that was supposed to be a part of Bro’s, uh, bro-ness, by that I mean the general extreme brother rivalry going on.

if you’ve grown up with siblings, you know exactly what I mean, they steal ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FOOD, all the time. to the point where you have to strategically place shit so you can be sure that no one else can touch your fuckin sacred frozen pizza slice.

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Swords In The Fridge probably violates several safety codes at once just for existing. then again hammering fathers and stabbing mothers are the ordinary.

little boy rampaging killing puppet men in fury.

It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles. You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

HEY!

SAW’S GOOD!

the 1st one.

It is time to face your destiny. No going back now.

it is time to beat the shit out of my brother.

aw FUCK.

he is full of fury.

also good to know the puppet ass conversation was happening while he was literally covered in puppet ass.

I wonder how bro hung that there, unassisted? Wait, that's a dumb thing to wonder. He just held the paper in position, then let go of it and flashstepped at warp speed backwards, and threw that batarang at it before the note could fall even a single nanometer.

he’s so cool.

moral: sometimes, Dave is cool.

[feltcaverns]

beginning to think that maybe some of you people arent as serious about smuppet fornication as i am.................. didnt you see my earlier post!!!! supscribe for mr steve. and our new plushrump, mrs millard fillmore. youre supposed to fill her with more cum. its pretty highbrow stuff!

subscribe to plushrumps..com for

for more information and H0T PUPP3TS and that all that kind of thing.... you can spend your credit card!! i have sooooo many bank providers on speed dial and we can get you registered and you can start zerking with me. and all of your friends. in the live puppet chat

[homestuckreplay]

acrobatically fucking pirouetting off the handle so hard i turn into my best friend

(page 607-614)

9/7/2009 Wheel Spin: Sburb Lore Verdict: i fucking wish :(

9/8/2009 Wheel Spin: Character Switch Verdict: HELL YEAH JOHN’S BACK !!!! :D

A couple of shorter updates compared to the bumper 13 pages on September 6, but it’s all relative, and would be silly to complain about.

The narration on p.607 tells Dave, ‘It is time to face your destiny.’ In the short term, this obviously refers to the trap that Dave’s bro has set up for him, but it also gets me thinking about whether destiny more broadly will play a role in this story, and if so, what Dave’s might be. On p.293, GG – who appears to have knowledge their friends don’t share – theorizes that saving the world is John’s destiny. Nannasprite in her exposition refers to John’s ‘purpose’ (p.427) but it’s left very unclear whether this is a fantasy-novel style Prophesized Destiny, or just a result of John choosing to play Sburb.

I think this might be intentionally vague in the story right now, either to allow for readers to theorize, or because Hussie hasn’t yet decided the exact nature of the story. However, when destiny is a theme in fantasy, a chosen one's destiny is usually to defeat a great evil. I think it'd be neat if Dave's destiny was actually to defeat Bro once and for all - probably the most evil character we've seen yet, and certainly the one who's most affected Dave's life - which would make this line on p.607 end up looking really prophetic and bringing things full circle.

I am wondering just how many Smuppets Bro owns, and what the turnover rate is like. There’s at least 20 in the puppet pile Dave’s stuck in, and a lot of them get sliced in half. Bro needs these for work and has a large collection to draw on at any time, but they’re regularly getting destroyed, so logistically I am imagining a large crate of a couple hundred Smuppets showing up at the apartment each week, which is a horrendous thought. No wonder they are in Dave’s dreams. The ‘puppets per square meter’ and ‘new puppets per day’ are probably much higher numbers than the equivalent for harlequins or wizards in John and Rose’s houses. If these decorative choices represent sources of alienation and anxiety for the kids this could suggest that Dave’s mental state is even worse than that of his friends.

Also I think that if Bro really wants to be Jigsaw so bad he needs to put some variety into his traps. Puppets every time is nowhere near as creative as the saw traps in the movie.

Page 611 repeats a Dave-Rose Pesterlog from p.522. I like when this happens – it clarifies where we are in the timeline, as well as giving the characters equal importance while showing both perspectives. Earlier when Dave referred to himself as ‘enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis’ I did think he was exaggerating for effect, and was just describing the puppet-strewn living room with an overactive imagination. Reading this for a second time knowing that Dave is being extremely literal is very different – it feels like someone begging to be taken seriously and failing, instead of someone committing to the mutually constituted bit.

Dave’s bro referencing Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff – ‘where doing it man where MAKING THIS HAPEN’ – on a sinister note pinned to the crawlspace hatch with a weapon feels really insidious. Taking this piece of art that Dave made and is proud of, and turning it into something threatening, is upsetting to me. What does Dave get to have for himself? Is there an aspect of his life that his bro doesn’t twist into something evil? Does Bro know about Dave’s friends, and if so, does he work them into his schemes too? And yet it’s effective despite all this – it does provoke Dave into action, jumping up and escaping the puppet prison, leaving Dave’s story on the cliffhanger of what exactly Bro wants to ‘make hapen’ as we smashcut to John.

I am very excited to see what John and Rose get up to and I hope it is not famous last words to say that it will surely be less disturbing than what is happening with Dave. At the very least, I feel lighter and freer knowing that I don’t have to think about Dave’s bro for a few days.

[tenaciouschronicler]

September 3 2024 2009

Remember how I said at least Dave gets his own privacy at least? Yeah seeing the kitchen makes me think Dave was more placed there for Bro's convenience than out of the goodness of his heart. I know apartments can be small but the entirety of the main living area is basically Bros puppet porn playground.

(cw implied csa)

The Jigsaw doll recorded Dave turning on the blender, which originally held a Smuppet inexplicably filled with blood pellets. Apparently this is just one of Many webcams scattered around recording who knows what.

It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.

I, personally, feel gross. Just very gross and very concerned in a different way than with John. We dont know the process Bro goes through to edit the video he collects but I remind you all he owns a, very successful mind you, website that is implied to sell puppet porn. However he does it doesnt change the fact that a minor is unwittingly helping in the creation of said porn. For as much as SBURB is inherently dangerous, anything is better than staying here.

Theres also the mass amounts of weaponry and explosives that Dave is having sylladex shenanigins with that I guess is trying to distract from everything else but is just making Bro worse and worse. Dave didnt open the fridge but Im willing to bet theres fuck all in there seeing as the microwave is full of puppets, the blender was full of puppets and the stove is covered in puppets! Ugh, Im getting really worked up about this.

[sburbian-sage]

Hello! Not a cherub or an expert on them, but I can fill you in a little.

Cherubs are sort of green and skeletal-looking, and have spirals on their cheeks that match their blood color. Adult cherubs grow wings and maybe turn into snakes or something, which they think is lewd? I dunno. Also they're weird about romance in general, I think they only have kismesissitude.

They have split personalities that they can switch between when they go to sleep- and they might need to sleep in something called a sarswapagus? Not sure- but the personalities they have always are opposites that hate each other.

Apparently they used to have an actual civilization (lots of stuff made with zillium apparently just existed/was made on their home planet once upon a time?) but this is pretty debated.

If it did ever exist, it's all gone now. Cherubs nowadays are totally solitary. This is part of why they're so rare to meet- they just tend to try and start single-player sessions, because they usually hate their other half and don't wanna play with them, and usually don't have anyone else they could play with on whatever desolate space rock their egg was left on, and so render the game pretty much unwinnable. So there could be tons of cherubs, but most don't make it to their first replay.

Cherubs have snakes, Trolls have buckets. It seems like every alien species I learn about has some aberrant sexual fetish. Unlike humans, of course, who have never been known to develop outlandish sexual fantasies and fixations. Whoever's reading this, you know who you are, and you know those "jokes" you make about the smuppets aren't actually jokes. At least be honest with yourself, like the pooltoy guys are.

That is pretty bleak though. Not the "destroyed homeworld" bit, that's fairly routine actually. More the idea that they're so rare because they keep starting single-player sessions. It kind of makes you open up the "is there intelligent life out there" question back up. Except it's not a matter of "do they exist", they do. But the real question is, how many species got wiped off the map, strangled in the crib even, because they never survived their first sessions. SBURB is about creating new universes, even if they get inhabited by replayers so they can create another one in a new game. But if the "first wave" of players never succeed... At least they never experienced the same cruel prank we did, I guess.

I'll look more into Cherubs later (and maybe make sure my ringserver synchronization is properly calibrated), but I think I'm going to be thinking about the nature of the multiverse as well.