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writteninthesewalls28 · 10 months ago

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Family

A story about a girl wanting to find out the truth

A/n: chapter seven!

Warnings: mentions of death

Milly’s POV:

After a full night of sleep with Calum next to me, I woke up the next morning, pretty relaxed. With the soft smell of vanilla, probably still from the scented candles we put on yesterday, I got out of the cuddly bed after noticing that Calum wasn’t next to me anymore. Every once a week, he gets up before me, carefully, so he doesn’t wake me up, and prepares breakfast with the things I love the most: pancakes, breakfast tea (yes, I am a full brit when it’s about that), honey, peanut butter and fresh fruits. It is a tradition we picked up from Calums mum, who did it for him and his sister when they were little. I, sadly, never got to experience that since my mum had to work a lot during mine, Louis' and Félicité's childhood. When we were older, we sometimes tried doing it for the younger kids, but 3 to 4 teenagers (ages 14-17) in a kitchen is not working out in the slightest. You simply couldn’t call the pancakes pancakes because they were burnt half of the time. But we had fun doing it and it helped keeping the mood up in the rainy Doncaster.

As soon as I stepped out of the bedroom door, I already heard Calum moving and working in the kitchen. When he saw me entering the room, he gave me a sweet smile and I myself felt like the honey he put on the table at that moment. How can someone be that perfect?

"Good morning beautiful!" He greeted me and gave a quick kiss on the cheek while carefully turning around the delicious looking pancakes in the pan.

"Morning, thanks for doing all this." I said, not really knowing how to thank him for all the extra work he does, just for me.

"Oh, no need to thank me, I love making you happy!" My Calum. He’s simply the best. "Come on, sit down princess, I'll do the work today!"

————————————

After the long but definitely good breakfast, me and Cal spent some time talking about upcoming events.

"We’re putting together a tour list at the moment. Should I show it to you, so you can think about coming to some of them?" Calum knew, I‘d love to just come with the boys on tour, but my job of course didn’t allow me a break of 6 months, so I‘m always very involved in the tour planning with the boys, to get to see them at least 3 times.

"Yes, I'd love that. By the way, how’s the album, how many songs do you have?" Calum and I are both very introverted and private about our job life, so even though we understand each other blind, we mostly don’t really have that much knowledge about one another’s job.

"We got around 5 songs where we are pretty sure, we’re gonna put them on the album they’re simply amazing." He sighed. "But other than that, we seem to have a lack of inspiration at the moment. All of us." It felt good to have a complete platonic talk with him, not even wasting a single thought about the whole googling-the-names thing because if I'm being honest I am kind of scared about that. I'd rather just not do it and pretend it isn’t even there.

Before I could answer Calum, we heard the doorbell ring. We looked at each other. "Did the boys say, they want to come today?" I whispered at Calum. He just shook his head as a response.

Slowly making my way to the door, I wondered who'd have the idea to visit us at a Tuesday morning at 10 am. Opening the door, the familiar face of an irish person, wearing one of his beloved cardigans in a soft baby blue and his strong accent when he said:

"Missed me?" Made me jump into his arms, screaming because of how happy I was to finally get the chance to see my best friend again.

"Nialler!! I missed you so much!"

Me and Niall definitely do have some history. As soon as Louis got put into 1D and the five lads started to hang out more, I of course also met them, shortly before I went to Australia for the exchange year, and immediately became best friend with Niall. You know, these weird people where you think, they have to be dating because they act so couple-like, but are actually just best friends? Yeah, that’s us. I remember having a very exhausting 30-minutes talk with Louis just because he was convinced I was hiding the fact from him that I was dating his friend Niall (which I‘d never even dare to do, he would’ve killed me) and then couldn’t believe we literally were JUST friends.

I really hope no one ever finds these chaotic photos from 2013 on my phone where I was on tour with them. Me and Niall used to cause so many problems and make the most chaotic things ever, but it was the best time of my life, even now.

"Why are you here though?" I asked after letting go of him. He looked at me with a huge grin on his face, showing he loves being with me as much as I do.

"I haven’t seen y'all in too long and since I do not have anything to do at the moment, I thought why not visit my bestie and her Australian boyfriend in this little city called Adelaide." Calum approached us from behind laying his arm around my shoulder.

"Not to mention that we just talked yesterday." He said, earning a confused look from me.

"I sent him songs." Calum informed me. I pouted.

"I didn’t even got to hear them, but you are showing them to my bestie?“ I asked. Niall simply couldn’t stop laughing, he wasn’t used to the daily banter me and Calum had whenever other people were around since he wasn’t visiting us that often, mostly also busy with touring, songwriting and promoting new stuff.

But that only made me even happier he was there right now.

"Come inside!“ I said to him, stepping away from the doorstep, to let him in our house.

The break I took from work, originally for other reasons, was the best idea ever. I got to catch up with Niall and we talked about the last year that we haven’t seen each other. Currently, all of my musician friends - which are basically all of my friends - are working on albums and preparing a world tour, also including Niall. He’s writing songs, already played some for me, and is gonna call his second album 'Heartbreak Weather' because of his breakup last summer, his songs representing his feelings to different times during the relationship.

"And how are you?" He asked me, after he literally talked for over 1 and a half hours about himself and how he’s doing. But I totally appreciated it, catching up with my friends, especially with him, was something I always enjoyed.

"I'm… good." I said, not sure, if I'd upset another important person in my life with breaking the current news to him. So that sentence seemed to describe my current state pretty perfectly.

Niall raised his eyebrows, immediately seeing through my lie, simply debating if he should say something about it. He decided to just let me go with it right now.

"Okay, that’s amazing!" In this moment, Calum entered the living room again, sitting down exactly in the same spot as yesterday when I came home and had that horrible conversation with Lou. For a moment, I couldn’t focus on what the two of them were talking about. I got lost in my thoughts, having a flashback from yesterday, how Cal comforted me, understanding how much Louis words hurt me. Is Louis okay now? Is he still angry? I stared at the spot on the comfy couch and stopped breathing for a second.

"Milly?" Calum said, waving both of his hands in front of my face.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I responded, snapping out of the weird situation I was in seconds ago. I was completely unsure and also scared what just happened, it felt like, someone held me underwater and I couldn’t break out of it.

Both of the men looked at me with a both worried and concerned look in their face.

"Are you okay? You are really pale." Calum said, softly placing his warm hand on my shoulder. Was there fear in his eyes?

"I'm not feeling so good right now, I’m gonna go upstairs for a bit." Seeing the worried look Calum gave me as he let me go, I added: "Don’t worry, I just forgot to take my medicine this morning." Which was the truth, I indeed forgot to take my pills to make sure my blood pressure stays okay and I don’t faint all of a sudden, but I never got this weird feeling from not taking them.

Cal's POV:

Of course he was worried when he saw her go up the stairs in a very slow pace, also scared she’s gonna faint on the stairs. But Niall asked him a way more important question in the mean time, he couldn’t seem to ignore.

"Why are both of you acting so strange? Please don’t tell me it’s nothing, I know there is something going on."

As much as he felt like ignoring this would be the best idea, his inner voice didn’t stop telling him that if he’d talk to Niall about Milly’s father’s death, everything will get a little easier, he won’t have to handle the whole situation and his knowledge completely on his own. Someone else would know.

"Milly is searching for her biological parents." All of the color in Nialls face who was sitting right beside him, suddenly vanished and he nearly got as pale as Milly was before she went upstairs.

"Oh no…. How is Louis?" Niall seemed to know that he doesn’t have to worry about his best friend, Calum would take care of her. But he knew Louis better than anyone else, he’s too protective to just not care.

"He and Milly had a fight on the phone yesterday, she was away for 8 hours and forgot to answer her phone while visiting the empty house of her biological parents." Calum explained the poor situation between the two siblings. He continued telling him about everything else Milly went through yesterday, not leaving out a single detail, and Niall got more and more uncomfortable on the sofa. When he finished a awkward silences stood between them, like a wall was built up in the middle of the sofa, Niall being the first to break it.

"And you? You seem to deal with something too." Calum definitely was surprised Niall also noticed that, since Calum tried hiding it pretty successfully in front of Milly, as much as he could tell.

"Well…" He tried thinking about a more gentle way of explaining his misery to Niall, but didn’t get a single idea. "I googled their names. I know I shouldn’t have done that since Milly basically forbid me to do anything without her consent, but I just need to protect her you know?" He took a deep breath before continuing.

"I found a obituary. And-" His voice cracked, he didn’t know how to finish this sentence, why he even started it in the first place.

Niall placed both of his hands on Calum shoulders.

"What happened?" Calum could easily spot the fear in Nialls tone.

"And it said that her father died right before her birth, that’s probably why she was adopted." He finally said it out loud. How relieved he felt. He finally got to say it.

But Niall obviously wasn’t very happy about that piece of information.

"He’s dead?" He asked one more time, getting a little nod from Calum. Milly really didn’t deserve this. She is such an amazing girl who is already dealing with so much in her life, death sadly being an important part of it. He'd love to just hide it from her for forever and make sure she never finds out, just to protect her.

"You have to tell her." Niall then said, much to Calum’s surprise.

"But Niall, do you understand this? He died, Milly maybe won't recover from another death in her family!" He tried explaining it to his old friend with a desperate tone in his voice.

"But what do you think will she do if she finds out, he boyfriend knew all along? Be happy that you tried 'protecting' her? She’s not gonna appreciate your concern for her, not this time Calum!" He got louder and louder, causing Calum to bring more space between them by sitting back a bit. He knew, Niall was right, he already felt it last night that his decision isn’t the best. But something in Calum still made him believe that this is the best way of dealing with the current situation.

#maddys fanfic

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witchcraftandburialdirt · 1 year ago

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❛ i haven’t laughed like this in a long time. ❜

&. 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬. ═══ CANON VERSE ═══ ❛ i haven’t laughed like this in a long time. ❜

It was strange to be out of the usual flow and rhythm of life; to be thrusted so abruptly into normalcy made Robin's head spin every morning. To wake up and see the world clearly, to hear a soft voice whispering to him, to feel hunger and thirst and truly take in the beauty of what it meant to be alive. The largest obstacle, frankly, was learning how to eat food again without worry of vomitting blood - but then came the issue of having food to eat; he never truly learned how to cook, sure some stew here and there but nothing fancy or really worthy of being eaten more than 1 time a week. Jhin was always eager and ready to cook but...Robin did not want to rely on him solely for this, and he wanted to learn to repay the favor.

Although repaying the favor felt more like a upcoming disaster as Robin tried to mimic the virtuoso's swift movements, how the knife slid through the vegatables and glided across the cutting board; although he did find it a bit difficult to follow; he was still so stiff. He felt like one of his students from so long ago, stumbling and feeble...he really had no idea what the hell he was supposed to be doing or...how to make sure there was enough spice or too much of one thing. His head felt like it was on a cloud when a hand touched his and readjusted his angle before letting him cut across the onions again.

What he hadn't expected was the way his eyes bubbled up with tears as the onion's scent prickled and stung at his iris, a sniffle or two leaving him as the drops slid down his cheeks. His sinuses felt tight and he picked up the chopped onion to place into the pot, moving across a bowl of seasonings and flour. The feeling growing in his chest and throat was a new one too, something he hadn't experienced in years, a buildup of pressure that ended in him sneezing downwards into the bowl. White puffed up around him and he had dropped the onions onto the floor, turning to face Jhin with the flour all over his face, the tears from the onions looking like clown paint dripping from his still massive eyes.

Although he did not deny the small smile that came over him when Jhin's sharp inhale turned into a snorty wheeze, his deep, rich voice pitching upwards to nearly giggle in its own delight before it cascaded into laughter as he approached to wipe his beloved's face. His silver fingers brushed under Robin's cheek as he laughed, sweet and bubbly -- a sound the mage could listen to forever and not bore of the bouncing tone. It is with effervescent clarity that the younger realized he was laughing along with him, something about the situation was so stupid that even the most stoic of people would snort at the ridiculousness of it all. Although it is when Jhin speaks the words dancing on Robin's tongue that his giggles lessen,

"I haven’t laughed like this in a long time...Haha, Oh....you are delightful."

A burning heat spreads across his cheeks as Jhin places a gentle kiss upon his head and gazes down at him, heavy lids framed by a single raised brow, "Snowbird?" A check-in as his sweet morning dove gazed up to him as if he were the moon on a clear night, when was the last time he laughed so readily? Without fear of vulnerability or fear of being mocked for the way his chuckle ended in short sighs and sometimes little snorts? When was the last time he felt so fully seen and so comfortable? A soft sweet laugh left his lips and he shook his head quietly as he melted into Jhin's hands,

"I...I haven't either, I don't remember the last time... Although I suppose now was the last time, I intend to have many more with you."

"I'm glad our priorities align....Mm~ Now, where were we...? Shall we work on cleaning the onions and the flour, love?"

"Yes yes...Let's, you've still the rest of the recipe to show me."

#ic #rp #verse: canon #curtain cxll #ur honor I love them #idgaf this is so adorable #im njkgnkfgf #the DOMESITICITY #I LOVE seeing usually harsh or darker characters just being normal #also jhin has SUCH a cute laugh in his voicelines #i do not care it is ADORABLE and I'll DIE ON THAT HILL

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a-lbeit · 2 years ago

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2022: a year in review

i never ended up writing one of these for 2021, so maybe i’ll throw some stuff from there in here, too

a brief summary of 2021--benny, soaring highs and a rock-bottom low, exercise, school, getting reacquainted with the working world and working more than ever before, trying to become more attuned to adulthood, reuniting with old friends, car ownership, and uncertainty

alright, now onto 2022. i would like to write more about 2021, and i wish i had done so earlier like i should have, but, as we all know, life just strikes you sometimes. those memories and experiences, or at least the essences of them, will be there for me to reminisce on and reference.

rang in the new year at benny’s house, drunk with coworkers and benny’s friends. it was messy, but hey, a new year’s kiss is always something to smile about when you look back on it.

got boosted

had a visit from my parents. the first time i’d seen them in over 2 years--since i had broken my ankle and gone back to charleston for a few weeks. it was such a perfect week, one that i will forever cherish. they took the train out here, across the country like they’d talked about doing for so long. we went to riverside, to the house my father spent several childhood years in. he hadn’t seen it since then, i don’t think. we went up mt. rubidoux, something he’d always wanted to do. i took them to disneyland, of course, with benny, who they also finally had a chance to meet. we rode the holiday version of it’s a small world, which so fortuitously had a longer stint at the resort than usual because it had opened late because of a flooded mechanics room or something. took them to the top of the world and to urth caffe and the huntington library. i cried when they left.

had to get tested weekly for covid at work for a while; it was kind of fun to get bumped to take it on the clock. things were looking kinda bad again with covid for a while there, and i got slightly worried that the park would close again.

had a visit from lauren and david. we all stayed in an airbnb together and i showed them around socal. we went to san diego, disney (of course), la, huntington gardens. benny’s and my first anniversary happened somewhere in there. it was sunny and beautiful and lauren got a tattoo :)

stayed at a cabin in wrightwood for valentine’s day with benny. it was relaxing, sexy, and we even got just enough snow for it to be romantic but not a burden. we played pool, cooked, walked, and shopped around with little to no worries for a few days. on the way back, we went to the mcdonald’s museum in san bernardino.

went to the parks with friends. it’s nice to be able to do that stuff again--sometimes i think about how “normal” our lives have become again in the wake of covid and i realize i forget how easily things can change in our puny little lives

went to a wedding expo with mindy. i enjoyed it, but i think more and more about how i don’t want a wedding celebration.

disney had a little cast member event for the (then) upcoming toontown renovation before it closed for the next year. it was cute to be a part of that.

gas prices went up, up, up, and we all felt it

had a little date night with benny at this really cool bar in huntington. i wish we had time (read: i wish i put in more effort to have more time and energy) to do more of that

received melissa and glenn’s wedding announcement. i was nervous to be her maid of honor but so excited

saw so many snails

did our little semiannual vegas trip. it’s always nice to hang with benny’s best friend and see the hoover dam and just have fun. we played twilight zone mini golf, went to a cirque show (thanks to miguel’s roommate), got dutch bros, swam in lake mead. the whole bit. benny and i even got matching temporary tats.

made the difficult decision to remove my eyebrow piercing. it had migrated a lot and my management team had said a couple things to my leads about the prominence of the plastic retainer. maybe some day i’ll pierce it again. i miss it sometimes, but i knew it was time. it didn’t look good anymore after constantly having to switch out the jewelry.

had a roommate reunion at disney with rozi, taleeah, and daisy. it was nice. i miss living with them.

parallel parked my heart out. i can fit almost anywhere.

helped john krasinski and emily blunt at autopia :)

went to the parks with mindy for her birthday. i’m so grateful to have her in my life, to have someone so different yet similar to me.

appreciated and loved fred more and more. he deserves the blue nametag more than anyone.

went to a couple disney cast member softball games. it’s fun to watch your coworkers play.

somewhere in between all this, i interviewed (for the second time) to become a trainer at autopia, and my manager told me yes--i was very wary and jaded when he told me, since he told me no last time without having that clear of a reason. but he congratulated me and i was grateful that he saw potential in me.

had a cute 4am shift. we had to help test the speed of the cars. it was beautiful, and fred bought us breakfast. a national treasure.

i needed the first two weeks in june off, and management granted me a personal leave. sometimes, i really do appreciate them.

finally, the day came. i flew back to charleston for the first time since my broke ass ankle to celebrate melissa and glenn. and i took benny along for the ride. we flew in, reunited with my parents, got some finishing touches for the bachelorette party (freaking out in the meantime). the other bridesmaids and i took melissa to brunch, a lil gift exchange, and a sunset cruise piloted (is that the right word?) by her favorite high school teacher. it was nice, lowkey day. and then the rehearsal dinner was the next day and the wedding the next. melissa looked so beautiful (as she always does) and the wedding was perfect. the ceremony took place outside and it started to rain beforehand, so they ended up pushing it back an hour and having a cocktail hour first. everything worked out and the lighting was perfect. i loved seeing melissa and glenn’s first dance and her dance with her parents. and i was so grateful to her to include me in the day. she’s my oldest friend and i love her so much.

in the couple days after the wedding, i hung with my parents and lauren and david. we did a ghost tour and, most importantly, went to waffle house.

immediately after, benny and i flew to denver. somehow for the past 2 years, i had been taking classes and completing the requirements for my master’s degree, and i was sure as hell gonna walk in my graduation. we took a night flight and arrived in denver late; we stayed overnight in the airport to save some money. it surprisingly wasn’t too bad, except for waking up at one point to a man on the other side of the bench shaking around. but it was okay. we left in the morning and went to the university of denver campus so i could take a covid test, then got some food from a turkish restaurant nearby while we waited to check in to our airbnb. when the time finally came and we got to our room, i was so happy to not have to lug around my heavy suitcase anymore. we showered and headed downtown to walk around and get some dinner at a place a coworker of ours had recommended. he recommended a lot of stuff since he used to live in the area, but i think that’s the only one we ended up taking.

i also got a phone call that day from our scheduler asking me about scheduling my training to be a trainer, since the days went against my availability. i was nervous to see it on my next schedule, but excited to have it finally happen.

on our walk around, we went to voodoo doughnuts and ordered one each, but the worker gave us double. it’s always an exciting treat to get more than you pay for.

spent the next day exploring denver. we toured the capitol (and got a beautiful view of the rockies from the balcony of the dome), explored cute shops, and i felt pretty dead at a couple points. i fell asleep on a bench for a minute, but it was all right. we ended at a foresty bar my friend had recommended and played foosball.

the next day, i officially ‘graduated.’ there was cake at the reception before the actual ceremony, and then we sat through 3 hours of names being called before it was finally time for my section. benny is such patient man. i met up with him after it finally ended (he sat in the audience; i sat with the other graduates), and he had gotten me a lei and a teddy bear wearing a cap and gown. we got dinner at an italian place my friend had recommended,

the next day was our last in denver. we explored some more, including checking out a zine library and getting pics in a big tire. we ended the day with takeout in the park along the river next to the huge REI.

we rented a car and headed to boulder for a couple days. on the way, we stopped at a wildlife refuge and almost got caught in a lightning storm. everything was great until we tried to arrive at our airbnb up a dark, windy road quite late (around 10pm or so, maybe), only to find a dark house. we rang the bell a couple times and eventually, a shirtless man answered and said there was no airbnb here. i would have panicked if we didn’t have a car that we could have slept in. however, we ended up heading back into town and spent $200 on a hotel. we sure as hell stuffed ourselves at the free breakfast the next day and booked a new airbnb for the rest of the time. airbnb was incredibly helpful and refunded us as well as gave us some credit for the next airbnb. it was an ordeal, but it was okay.

we didn’t let that mishap affect us too much. we had things to do. after we got everything situated, we headed up to estes park to take the aerial tram as well as visit the stanley. it was a beautiful day, in the end. we even took that long road in rocky mountain national park that goes all the way to the top to see the sunset and the snow on the ground. and when we arrived at our new airbnb, everything was just as described, and they even had 2 dogs that almost made me become a dog person--they were fluffy, well-groomed, and quiet.

we went back into the national park the next day for a horseback ride and some hiking. i got very sniffly after the ride (i guess i’m a bit allergic to horses) and napped for a bit in the car. we did a beautiful and uncrowded hike to one of the alpine lakes.

the next day was our flight home, but we had the morning still. we said goodbye to the dogs and went to red rocks before going to the airport. our flight ended up getting delayed, so i asked for meal vouchers. again, we stuffed ourselves.

went back to work. a few days later was benny’s birthday. at the time, my friend rozi was working at this company that’s sort of a blend of airbnb and a hotel, and she majorly hooked it up and got us a 3-night stay at this beautiful property in laguna for free. i surprised benny, although i had to train people at work during a couple of the days. that place was low-key and luxurious.

got signed off as a trainer, although i sucked at time management at first. but we all do.

the day i had my star tours refresh class, i did practically nothing all day at work. it was glorious

i was so tan in the summer. i’m sure i’ll get there again this summer (while still lathering on sunscreen, of course)

a few days before my birthday, benny got covid. i spent the days around it getting free food; on my birthday, i took a solo trip to the san diego area and laid on the beach. i was a bit lonely, but i’m also in love with spending time with myself. i’ve always known how introverted and independent i am, but i’ve really realized over the past year that i need to spend significant amounts of time in my life by myself.

got retrained at nemo a little while after benny did. they had a photo session for us while we were still cycling before the ride officially reopened, and we got really cute pictures that i’ll always treasure. once it reopened, though, we all quickly realized that if you had nemo knowledge, you were stuck at nemo. i was mad that my fellow trainers were getting training shifts and i was stuck.

put up shelves in my bedroom lmao

went to natalie’s baby shower. i was scared but also so happy for her. she was ready. and the shower was beautiful

had a much-needed day with rozi--we got our cars washed (for free, of course), had coffee and acai at our old place, and ended up at disneyland. it had been too long.

got a tour of walt’s apartment

became full-time soon after i turned 26. thank god--i now needed health insurance.

saw shakey graves with benny--i miss the time in my life where i was obsessed with him and live music. i think i’ve said this before, but i’ve kind of outgrown concerts. it was a time in my life i’ll always treasure, though. it makes me miss college and especially dc--taking the metro to the 9:30 club and the anthem.

started my first solo training set

benny and i took a cruise! it a short 4-night, 3-day cruise, and it was perfect. we stuffed our fucking faces, went swimming at the beach in catalina, took a taxi in mexico and got free alcohol, and explored the ship. i know cruises are so awful for the environment (the irony of graduating just about 2 months prior with a master’s in environmental policy and management, i know), but goddamn, they’re so much fun and honestly quite cheap if you do it right. the morning of debarkation, though, i got a text (once we regained service) from my mom asking me to call her. i figured i would do it after we got off the ship, but then she ended up calling me (she had actually sent the message the previous evening) during breakfast to tell me my grandmother had died. i was so so grateful that i’d had the opportunity to see her one last time back in june when benny and i went to charleston for melissa’s wedding. otherwise, i probably wouldn’t have seen her since 2019 when my ankle was broken. i couldn’t even imagine what my father was feeling. he had found her gasping for air after he brought dinner to her apartment for her. she didn’t make it through the night.

the next day, went right back into finishing my first solo training set. my stomach hurt, i guess from the food and the news. one of my trainees, a transfer from custodial, confided in me that she wanted to stop training and go back to custodial. we talked to management and made that happen for her. it felt nice to be able to support her during all of it.

a killer heat wave made work laughably awful--but that’s climate change for ya, i guess

went to the dentist for the first time in about 3 years. they removed my ‘old-school’ metal retainers (which, admittedly, the top one had broken) and got me set up for new plastic ones to wear overnight. no cavities!

went to the walt disney studios in burbank and ripley’s believe it or not on hollywood blvd, which my parents had gotten me tickets for for my birthday. i love doing stuff like that, even if it’s touristy.

benny and i went to shaqtoberfest. it was actually a lot of fun LMAO

funeral arrangements were sort of up in the air for a while. it ended up happening in october, although her death was in late august. i went back to charleston for it. my father’s resilience floors me. i look up to him so much. my mother and i went to my parents’ safety deposit box to pick out jewelry to wear to the funeral. i wore my grandmother’s brooch and ring. it was a sad occasion, but it was nice to be reunited with some family i hadn’t seen since before covid. i miss my family and especially my parents. i realized i would like to make an effort to visit them more frequently. i love spending time with them as adults.

after my return, benny and i did some halloweeny stuff. i don’t like the holiday that much, but i love going to all the neighborhood festivals and block parties and events.

finally used my flight credit from when rozi, britt, and i were supposed to visit blake in tennessee back in 2020. i went to austin, my first time in texas. mindy’s parents live outside of austin, and she actually flew there a day after me--she had to pick up her mom’s wedding dress, and it was great timing. i stayed in an airbnb for a night and explored the city (and the college campus--i got free tacos and really missed the campus experience) on my own, and then met up with her and her family the next day. they graciously let me stay there for a few days. her family is so relaxed, and i appreciated how easy it was to be with them. i would like to return to austin by myself or with benny sometime, though.

took a ‘cast preview’ holiday tour of disneyland. we got soaked in the rain, but still had so much fun. i love the holiday season, and maybe one day i’ll stop letting myself be so consumed by work around that time and actually be able to enjoy everything.

learned the monorail, something i had been trying to do for close to a year.

surprised benny with a trip up to the bay. i don’t know why--i had just been wanting to take a weekend trip since like april to visit pinnacles national park. i told him to make sure to request the days off, and when the time came, we left right after work. we drove up the 5 and finally, around 9:30 or 10pm, we pulled into the campground. he’d had a hunch this was what i was surprising him with. we slept in the car and freezed our asses off. we did a hike (featuring a couple caves!) the next day and went to an airbnb in san jose. we explored muir woods (i finally saw a banana slug!), went over the golden gate, of course, and tried to get dinner in the city--but i couldn’t find parking and the hills of sf overwhelmed me while driving, so we ended up just leaving. but we did go to the winchester mystery house and santa cruz, where we saw bunches of seals (sea lions? i don’t know). on the way home, we took highway 1 and passed monterey, big sur, and miles of coastal beauty.

did another every-once-in-a-while vegas weekend trip to see the holiday decorations at the bellagio and visit his friend. i decided i don’t like his friend’s roommate lmao, but we still had a good time. we even got a hike in with some snow.

saw beautiful holiday lights with benny’s mom and sister. every once in a while, i can dig some family time.

stayed busy with work. between disney and target during the holiday season, i go weeks without a day off. but it’s all right. i do it to myself. and i love my coworkers.

the leads and trainers got a blanket from our management team, which was actually so fucking nice

i interviewed to be a lead--my manager asked me if i had been talking to the cores and then why i wanted to be a lead. then he stopped the interview and told me he’d already previously decided on me, that this ‘interview’ was essentially a formality. i was surprised and, i have to admit, felt really proud. he said to keep it a secret, though, so i did, only telling benny and my favorite lead.

in the light rain on new year’s eve, benny and i went to the ronald reagan presidential library. what a cool place--yeah, reagan sucks, but it’s still a beautiful museum. and his entire air force one is in there--what an experience to get to walk through it. i love learning about all that stuff. in the evening, benny had a small party--it was still raining, so there wasn’t much of a turnout. it wasn’t the best night, especially since it’s my favorite holiday. but there’s always the next one.

had some trips to knotts. for a while, i didn’t think i would want to renew my annual pass, but it’s just so cheap that it’s worth it even if you only go a dozen times a year.

continued to work at target every now and again. they do be giving us free food, i’ll give em that. maybe i’ll quit before the end of 2023. we’ll see.

drove so much. i love my prius and am so grateful for its reliability. even though traffic sucks, it’s nice to get to spend that time with myself. i still take the bus sometimes, though.

started actively saving money. i still owe student loans, but it seems to be forever on pause, so i just pay a bit here and there. i opened a high-yield savings account and really try to contribute to it often.

was sort of sad a lot of the time. it’s just hard to be happy with your life when you’re in an hourly position and so many of your peers have ‘career’ jobs and seem so well-established--but i know that everyone has different paths and that i will be okay. but everyone gets in their own head. i also have to admit that i really hate that benny still lives with his family and had such a different upbringing than me. i hate admitting it, but it’s the truth. it sometimes makes it so hard to see a future together where we are established (by that, i mean with steady jobs and a place to ourselves), when we just don’t have good foundations to build on yet, despite being in our mid-20s. it challenges me and my thinking, but i’m also grateful for it. i don’t want to always be comfortable in life--but goddamn is it difficult sometimes. i feel that the relationship is so juvenile in terms of our stage in life. we will get there, though. and benny is miles ahead of me in so many facets of emotional intelligence.

loved lana del rey, i have to admit

song of the year: “head full of doubt/road full of promise,” the avett brothers. it makes my heart heavy with a load of both fear and perseverance--‘decide what to be and go be it’ is such a scary, yet beautiful phrase. the entire song takes me aback with how much i can relate it to my own struggles (or whatever).

2022 really saw the country come out of the pandemic, if you can even separate the times in that way. i find myself getting more removed from current events, and i hate myself for it. i don’t feel as aware as i used to be during college. i just go through the days at work, try to stay healthy, and spend time with friends and benny. i miss how i used to keep up with the world. maybe someday, i’ll start again. for now, i just try to be all right with my own life. i suppose you have to be okay with yourself, primarily, right? after all, it’s your own thoughts and body that you are with the most. it may be selfish, but it’s unavoidable. i would like to be happy with my own life, and i think i will eventually. i’m getting there. and the days continue to pass lazily, yet quickly. “i know pain is as natural as the rain; i just thought it didn’t rain in california.”

#about me #me #a year in review #2022

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strawberrymosaic · 4 months ago

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7/20/2024 5:13pm

Didn't journal for the past 2 days, but I'm back with more little updates!!! On Thursday, I was in my lab from 9-4:30. I actually really enjoy the time I spend in my research lab. It truly feels like I'm not working when I'm there, because I enjoy what I do and I enjoy my colleagues. I haven't posted many specifics about my lab, but it's a molecular biology lab that focuses on studying pediatric brain cancer. I helped with some surgeries & got to practice my suturing techniques. Surgery days are really exciting to me because it feels like the most tangible application of our wet lab work. After I got out of my lab, I had some self growth wins. Despite enjoying my time in the lab, I do still tend to come home exhausted. Most of the summer, I've been coming back from my lab and crawling right into bed. However, some specific tasks I did Thursday morning helped pave the way for me to avoid that post-work crash. Before I left for work, I made sure my bed was made & my desk was tidy. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for me to sit at my desk instead of crashing into my bed. This was very successful because I did end up avoiding my bed! I sat at my desk & got right to work being productive. I made some calls that I had been dreading putting off. I need to get tested for sleep apnea (I'll write more about this later), but insurance has been such a hassle. I finally found a sleep testing center that takes my insurance & set up a consultation appointment! I also called my university's financial aid office to get some questions answered about the upcoming school year. I think I'm actually going to be set to pay my college tuition & housing without too much struggle, so I'm very happy with how that turned out. After those calls, I did scroll social media for a little bit, but not for too long because I had dinner with some friends afterwards. I ate dinner + went to get boba. I had to work a desk shift from 8-10pm. My friends are also employed by the university, so they came with me to my shift. Most of the time the desk shifts are DEAD so we just hung out and talked because there wasn't much for me to do. However, I was quite overstimulated by the end of the night, and lowkey I wished they would just go home so I could sit in silence. I love a good silent moment. After my shift, I had to go pick up the duty phone for the night, because I had an overnight on-call shift. I didn't get to bed until well after midnight because my second duty round doesn't end until then. Getting to bed late on Thursday night, in addition with my sleep problems made it super difficult for me to wake up Friday morning.

For Friday, my friends and I had planned to get lunch and then go to my college town's art fair. I guess they accidentally decided to get lunch at 12:30 without confirming the time for me. I knew we were going to head to the art fair at 2:00pm, so I had just assumed that we'd eat around 1:00 or 1:30. I texted at noon to confirm our lunch plans, and they both were like "oh 12:30!". I had JUST woken up at this point, and I had nothing to wear so I was lowkey freaking out. I also desperately needed to do laundry because the outfit I had planned in my head was dirty. I texted my friends that I'd just meet them later and quickly threw my clothes in the wash. I also got ready as quickly as I could. My friend (I'll call her L), always wears a full face of makeup, has beautiful hair, and always has super cute outfits. She also eats like a bird. I always feel super self-conscious around her, so I felt extra pressured as I got ready. My other friend (I'll call him B) is just a random male coworker I befriended, so I don't really care too much what he thinks. However, he does have a bad habit of commenting on other people's meals. I get a bit self-conscious when eating around him. Because I do get a little skittish when eating around B and L, I secretly hoped they'd just eat without me. However, they decided to just hold off on lunch until I was ready. We ended up eating around 1:10 and then headed to the art fair. The art fair was BEAUTIFUL. I really enjoyed seeing all the booths. I spent a bit too much on this gorgeous ceramic piece, but I justified it with the fact that I was supporting a small business. The art fair had a lot of booths to try free samples. We tried some delicious teas, got to test some new products for the Sharpie brand (and were even featured in a video!), and tested out these unique phone speakers. Around 3:30 we stopped at Panera bread to get some drinks. I ended up buying a sourdough bread bowl, and I ripped off chunks of bread for us all to share. We felt like medieval peasants. We ended up wandering the art fair for a few more hours until we headed back to another part of campus for dinner. I had a desk shift at 6pm, and L and B ended up following me to this shift as well. Once again I was starting to get really overstimulated, and I secretly hoped they would leave lol. I promise that they are good friends, I just also enjoy my quiet time. L has a crush on B, and I have been trying to set them up. After spending all of Thursday and Friday together, they really seem to have some chemistry, so I was quite happy. This also worked out well for me, because they were so interested in each other that I could sit quietly without having to interact much. We ended up playing Fireboy and Watergirl on CoolMathGames for the rest of my shift, and I enjoyed my time a lot. I got home around 10pm, bought two bags of cheese-its and called my family. Then I called my boyfriend (we are long distance right now). We ended up having L join the call so that we could give her advice about her developing relationship with B. After L left the call, I talked to my boyfriend a bit more. At this point I was really exhausted from my day, and instead of going to bed when him and I were done talking, I stayed up for another hour scrolling social media. This was definitely a bad move on my part, because it made it really difficult for me to wake up this morning.

This morning I didn't get up until almost noon. I got dressed & went to get brunch in the dining hall. Then I ended up texting my boyfriend & scrolling social media for like 2 hours. I also sorted a bit of dirty laundry so that I can do it later tonight. Around 2:45pm I started to get really tired, so I took a nap until 3:45. I had another desk shift at 4pm, so after my nap I headed over to the building I needed to be in. I am at my shift now, and not much has happened. I've put my work schedule into my Gcal for the rest of the summer, set up my electricity for my apartment this fall, and checked some emails. It is now 5:45 as I finish typing this, so I've been journaling for quite some time. I've found it very therapeutic to get all my thoughts out, so I don't mind at all that it's taken me so long. After my shift ends tonight, I'm going to try to get some laundry done and then go to bed early. I'll update again either tonight or tomorrow. If anyone has stuck around to read all of this, just know that I think you're amazing and I appreciate you being here. Even if nobody reads this, I find it really helpful to have an 'audience'. Maybe it's somehow related to the concept of ADHD body doubling. The thought of writing to someone really helps me get my thoughts out. Anyways, I'll update later. Byeeee!!

#diary entry #journal #self growth #adhd #anxiety recovery #depression recovery

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kanisema-blog · 4 months ago

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Adopted by the Absom's

Chapter 10

I woke up to the soft light filtering through the curtains. My alarm buzzed gently beside me, signaling the start of a new day. I took a deep breath and rolled out of bed, heading to the bathroom for my morning routine. The shower’s warm water was a welcome wake-up call, washing away the remnants of sleep.

Afterward, I dressed in my usual work attire and meticulously did my skincare and makeup. As I stood in front of the mirror, I couldn't help but think about how much had changed since I was first adopted by the Absom family. My life had taken so many unexpected turns.

Descending the grand staircase, I admired the paintings that lined the hallway. Art had always been a solace for me, a way to escape and find meaning. The dining room was empty except for the chef, who had prepared a beautiful breakfast spread. I sat at the long table and ate in silence, savoring the tranquility before the day's chaos began.

Thomas, the ever-reliable chauffeur, was waiting outside. The drive to the office was uneventful, giving me time to mentally prepare for the day's work. As we pulled up to the building, I took a deep breath and stepped out, greeted by the familiar sight of the office hallway lined with artwork.

My team was already buzzing with activity when I arrived. I made my way to my desk and began brainstorming for the upcoming exhibition at the Musée Venia. This was a significant event, and I wanted everything to be perfect.

Ynah was the first to offer a suggestion. "We should feature a blend of classical and contemporary pieces to attract a diverse audience."

Angelo, always the enthusiast, practically bounced with excitement. "And we could have live performances! Imagine a violinist playing amid the sculptures!"

Diane, who was usually more reserved, shared a personal anecdote. "When I was in elementary school, I won a contest for my drawing. It would be nice to have a small contest for young artists as part of the exhibition."

Jazzy, ever the practical one, chimed in. "We need to think about the layout too. It should be simple but elegant, letting the art speak for itself."

Jenrix, the newest member of our team, shared his aspirations. "I want this exhibition to be remembered. My goal is to have people talk about it for years."

Their enthusiasm was infectious, and I felt a surge of energy as we brainstormed ideas and planned the event. By the end of the day, we had a solid plan in place, and I was feeling optimistic about the exhibition's success.

I called Thomas to pick me up. As I walked out of the office building, the weight of the day’s work settled on me. The chauffeur opened the door, and I slid into the car, grateful for the familiar comfort.

The drive back to the Absom family mansion was peaceful. Upon arrival, the maids greeted me warmly. I ate dinner alone at the long table, the chef's culinary skills once again on full display. The quiet of the mansion was both comforting and lonely.

After dinner, I headed up the grand staircase to my bedroom. I took a long bath, letting the hot water soothe my tired muscles. My nightly routine of brushing my teeth and doing my skincare felt like a ritual, a way to unwind and prepare for rest.

Finally, I settled into bed and picked up my phone to continue watching the drama series I had been engrossed in. The familiar faces on the screen and the unfolding storylines provided a welcome distraction from my own thoughts. As the episodes played on, my eyelids grew heavy, and I drifted off to sleep, hoping that tomorrow would bring more moments of creativity and perhaps, a little more peace.

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thebandcampdiaries · 2 years ago

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Ben Eastman presents: Night Music

March 2023 - Ben Eastman has recently released a new work titled “Night Music.” The album's dynamic and incredibly diverse sound highlights the artist’s ability to explore a wide range of musical styles seamlessly. This album features nine compositions. Each song brings something different, highlighting Ben’s ability to take his sound to different places. The “Discovery” opener features a darkly beautiful synthesizer arpeggio and luscious pads. The track “Nocturnal” is one of the highlights of this full-length, especially in its blend of funk-inspired drum rhythm with deep ambient synth pads and guitar leads.

“Dark Shadow” is another example of Ben’s kaleidoscopic compositional artistry. The song is all about texture and mood. The ominous synth bass chords strike with impact, allowing the bell-like arpeggiated pad to sit in the background, adding suspense and drama to the formula. This is one of the album’s most score-worthy moments, but the record has a notable cinematic quality, making it all the more immersive.

Ben’s compositional knack is undeniable. However, this album is also excellent in terms of production. The sound is immersive and timeless, blurring the lines between the crisp clarity of contemporary music and the warmth of the good old days of analog synthesizers. Another perk of this release is the artist’s ability to switch it up. The variety of moods on the album is astonishing. “Night Rider” sounds like something you’d be able to hear in a Quentin Tarantino movie. However, “Back Alley” offers a dark-funk groove, similar to the soundtrack of 70s thrillers and “tough cop” flicks! This album wasn’t only influenced by other musical styles. It captures the magic of several decades of film aesthetics through the scope of paying homage, ever so subtly, to the soundtrack styles that became true landmarks.

This release is highly recommended to fans of instrumental music with shades of rock, progressive and more. In particular, “Night Music” deserves a spin from any fan of artists like John Carpenter, ASO, Goblin, and Herbie Hancock, only to name a few.

Find out more about Ben Eastman and listen to Night Music:

https://open.spotify.com/album/02mrXBUpDvkUlLkhgJJTbJ?si=IN02o-3kTiS0uWfkw3guaw

https://music.amazon.com/albums/B0BGZNJ593

We also had the opportunity to ask Ben a few questions. Keep reading to learn more from our interview!

I love how you manage to render your tracks so personal and organic. Does the melody come first, or do you focus on the beat the most?

Answer: In most situations I sit down and start layering bass/drums together. I usually go in with a vibe or a feeling I want to create for a song. I’ll then pull out a guitar and see if I can find a melody with the groundwork I’ve laid. Every now and then I’ll wake up with a melody in mind and work in reverse. More often than not, I let the song come as organically as possible.

Do you perform live? If so, do you feel more comfortable on a stage or within the walls of the recording studio?

Answer: It’s been many years since I have, I find myself more comfortable in a studio setting. I have more control over my surroundings and don’t have to worry about lugging in gobs of equipment. I do miss that energy a crowd can give you though. Maybe again someday.

If you could only pick one song to make a “first impression” on a new listener, which song would you pick and why?

Answer: I think “Night Rider” is a great place to start. It’s loud, booming and a fitting mission statement for the type of music I enjoy creating. Music to fit the imaginary movies in your mind.

What does it take to be “innovative” in music?

Answer: Being willing to take risks and thinking outside the box. It’s important to challenge yourself and try things you wouldn’t normally do.

Any upcoming release or tour your way?

Answer: I just released my latest record, “Badlands”. It’s available anywhere you stream and for purchase on Amazon. It’s the heaviest and loudest thing I’ve ever done. Turn the volume knob up to 11.

Anywhere online where curious fans can listen to your music and find out more about you?

Answer: Any place! Spotify, Apple Music, Tidal and Amazon to name a few. You can also follow me on Instagram “BeastmanSupreme” for any and all updates on new music.

#instrumental #score #music #cinematic

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kananigaia · 6 years ago

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here’s the thing:

For awhile, I’ve been struggling to find the words but I think I’ve finally got it...which this isn’t backed up w concrete evidence, this is just my grasp on all these thoughts/feelings and what i’ve heard from others as well...

so listen:

This society has put us in a world/mindset that today is NOT today. Rather today is all your mistakes from the past, every responsibilty/title placed above your head, all the worries about the future, millions of thoughts that keep you from living today. In the now.

And the now...is very important.

You know those moments where you feel the most alive because you aren’t thinking about anything but what you are experiencing? Those are what We are suppose to live for.

That’s the now. That’s you, consciously enjoying what you are experiencing at that very moment to the fullest extent. That’s what this society has boxed us in, to hardly experiencing so we believe it’s JUST a feeling. When in reality, that’s actually Our eternity. Because in Our reality, there is no time, there is no physical body, only energy - a constant feeling.

Remember, perception is everything.

For we believe that we are bodies with souls, rather than souls with bodies. We have become too attached to the ego/physical and have forgotten about the spiritual/emotional. Our core. Our Essence...Our Purpose.

Which I’m sure you’re asking what that possibly could be??!

And to simply put it... Love.

Easier said than done. As ya’ll can tell we lacking in this department as well as compassion and empathy at the moment and have been for awhile. But I don’t blame us. Again, we have just been souls playing roles for quite sometime making it hard to remember that...you see in our minds, we have been asleep but it’s time we wake tf up, spiritually.

How tho right??!

In Our world, there is a light and there is a dark within everyone, some more than others on particular sides, I’m sure. And through this world we have lived through different lives that had either or both, to personally experience and gain an understanding from that view. As well as learn particular lessons throughout each journey to grow. This is to integrate between the light and dark aka Ying-Yang which essentially is our “spirits” end goal —> Polarity Integration.

There is even people in your life who can play these roles to show you the different point of view. My girlfriend and I were talking and I was telling her how my ex had bad anxiety and thought a complete opposite way than i did, and now that we aren’t together it’s like my life has flipped upside down and now I am an anxiety ball and it was weird at first but now i acknowledge it as a different perspective that i appreciate her for. My girlfriend said the same thing happened with her, just with a different trait that she picked up from her ex and said, “it’s like we got the aspect that we mostly hated/couldn’t understand/were scared of..” and I’m not sure why but that makes beautiful and scary sense and reminds me of a tweet I saw from Kehlani stating,

“the sooner we realize we are just reflections of eachother the sooner we possess compassion. there is no separation.”

We are here not to judge one another or ourselves, but to learn and thrive together. This is why you must let go of your past-selves. That is how we remember! IT’S TIME FOLKS.

Let go of the ego, so you begin to understand why Now is so important. Our eternity..

I hope this reaches someone out there who was a little lost so they can understand a little deeper just how important every soul is on this Earth, especially themselves and I hope you find it in yourself to seek the Truth. Literally question everything but don’t get sucked into a rabbit (no point because no one will ever truly know anyways lol). Just remember to live this moment to the fullest, love every soul you come in contact with as well as influence them to be the highest energy they can be, and simply understand that everything surrounding you is One.

#!!!!!!!!!1 #motto #life #souls #WE ABOUT TO WAKE UP THESE UPCOMING YEARS AND I WANT SO MANY MORE BEAUTIFUL OPEN MINDS APART OF IT #love #experience

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sinner-as-saint · 4 years ago

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Just A Little Too Much.

(Dark) Mob!Steve Rogers x Innocent!Reader AU

Run-through: You met Steve after your parents got divorced. He was your mom’s ‘special friend’, and you soon began living at his place, along with your mom. You were just 18 and a half then, and Steve became the only man you looked up to after you learnt that your father was sent to prison for unknown reasons. Soon, Steve became the only family you had after your mother started going away on even more trips for work, then came the time where she stopped coming home altogether. But that was alright, because you had Steve. You were his Princess, and he often told you that you needed no one else but him. He would do anything for you, he loved you - perhaps just a little too much.

Themes: innocent!reader, manipulation, dark!steve, smut, fluff

You woke up from your nap with a faint smile on, feeling a pair of lips leaving soft, warm kisses all over your cheek.

Steve.

You immediately felt so warm just knowing he was here; his powerful scent wrapping around you, making you feel safe.

“Wake up, Princess.” He murmured. “It’s your birthday, you can’t be napping.” He said it like it was the most ridiculous thing one could do.

You heard Steve’s voice, and felt his beard trail after his lips all over your face. You opened your eyes, giggling and realizing that you had fallen asleep on the couch in your bedroom. You looked up to find Steve above you, his strong arm placed on the back of the couch as he bent over slightly to look down at you with his pretty blue eyes. He was dressed in one of his many expensive, well-tailored suits which gave away that he had just finished some call or video conference regarding work.

“Hi Stevie.”

His soft gaze roamed your body. “Hi Princess. Come on wake up, you don’t wanna sleep all day.”

You smiled up at him. “Yes I do.” You said, making him raise his eyebrows at you; smirking. “It’s my birthday, I can nap all day if I want to.” You did make a fair point, he had to admit.

His smirk morphed into a gentle, calming smile as he reached out to caress your cheek softly. “But I miss you.”

You shrugged, lazily. “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

His lips parted in fake surprise. “Is that so?”

The moment you saw his hands reaching out towards you, you knew he was planning to tickle you till you ran out of breath and begged him to stop. So you shot up and slipped from his grasp, running away as fast as you could; giggling uncontrollably.

Steve chased you, chuckling each time you escaped his grasp. “Come here, Princess. You can’t run from me, you know that.” He chased you around the room, watched you as you jumped over the coffee table, the pouf and just as you were about to run into the walk-in closet Steve managed to grab your hand and tackled you down on the bed.

He had you trapped, giggling and squirming under him. He was a happy man as he looked down at you, pinning your wrists down on the bed above your head, his face so close to yours that he was certain you and him were sharing the same breath. You were the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

You eventually stopped fighting and squirming. You looked up at him and smiled as big as you could. You stared up at him and saw the man who was your everything.

Steve was your everything. Your family was… absent. Steve said none of them cared about you as much as he did. Steve also said that your father was not a good man, and that’s why he was locked up in jail. You never asked why, or what he did to deserve such punishment, but Steve said that it wasn’t important for you to know so you let it go. Your mom was not here either, she was always out of the country, working. Steve said your mom made work her priority over you, but that was okay too because you had Steve. And he was all you need.

Steve looked down at you, admiring how pretty his Princess was. When he first saw you around four years ago, he knew he had to protect you forever. You were too precious, too innocent for this world. He couldn’t just stand there and watch this world corrupt you in any way, so he kept you close. He did what he had to in order to keep you under his roof and protection all the time. He made sure you’d never have to worry about anything, ever.

“Hi Princess.” He murmured again, still on top of you. You gave him a smile which always melted his heart ever since day one. You owned him, and you probably had no idea about all the things he was willing to do for you.

“Hi Stevie.” To you, he had always been Stevie - your best friend, your family, your protector - your everything. You don’t know where everyone went, or why everyone gradually disappeared from your life once you met Steve. But you had him, and he was all you needed.

“Happy Birthday.” He whispered, wishing you for the fifth time since this morning when you woke up in his arms. Steve leaned down to kiss the side of your mouth.

You relished his touch. Steve always made you feel good just by being there, and having all his attention on you was all you ever wanted. You giggled as he kissed his way down your neck. “Thank you.”

He hummed as he kissed along the neckline of the dress you were wearing. “Did you like your gift, Princess?” Steve asked, kissing along the top of your breasts.

You let out a quiet gasp of pleasure as you felt him gently nip at your skin. You nodded, “I did. Thank you, Stevie.” You whispered, getting lost in the way he made you feel. You thought of the gift he had given you this morning, it was currently parked in the twelve-car garage of the house, sitting there with a pretty, red bow on top of it. It was your shiny, new dream car.

“We can go on a drive later, if you want.” He murmured against your skin, one of his hands releasing your wrists, lowering to undo the buttons at the front of your dress.

You shivered as you felt the warm, slow touches of his lips and fingertips all at the same time. He was always so gentle with you and always so mean to others. He always said that was because you were his precious Princess and other people meant nothing to him.

A drive with Stevie sounded amazing. Only, he’s always working these days. Would he even have the time? “We could. But then what about work?”

He froze for a moment, hearing the hint of sadness and uncertainty in your tone. He hated it. He hated that he had been so engrossed in work this past week that you noticed he wasn’t spending enough time with you.

Steve pulled away and looked up at you. “I’ve been too busy with work lately, haven’t I?” He asked, knowing the answer. The little, sad nod you gave him made his heart hurt. “Aww…” he cooed, reaching up to kiss your nose, “I’m sorry, Princess.” He murmured against your skin and pulled away to look into your eyes again. “How about this, you have me all to yourself for the whole day today and the upcoming week? Sounds good?”

He didn’t care about how much that would affect the many people who worked for him, all he knew was that his Princess needed him and he would do anything to make her happy.

You smiled brightly. “Perfect!”

He chuckled before leaning in to kiss your lips. Slow and gentle at first, before growing more and more needy for you. He pressed his body against yours, allowing you to feel the urgency of his need. You gasped into the heated kiss as you felt his hardness in between your legs. Steve shoved his tongue past your lips, tasting you, stroking the inside of your mouth. You whined when you felt him roll his hips against yours.

You felt warm, burning with need just as much as he was. And he knew.

You shivered in pleasure as you felt him kiss his way down your body again, unbuttoning your dress with impatience, his need overpowering his entire being. He needed you, needed to taste you and have you come undone on his tongue, he needed your taste embedded in his brain, not wanting to risk ever forgetting it.

Steve kissed down the middle of your breasts, down till your belly button and stopped at the waistband of your light pink, lace panties, which matched the bra and the dress you wore. Wanting to tease you just a little, he stuck his tongue out and licked along the edge of your underwear before licking up and down your wet, clothed core.

He watched you squirm on the bed. Smirking devilishly, he kissed along your inner thigh just to mess with you a little more. He could tell you were slowly giving into the haze of pleasure which washed over you even though he had barely touched you yet.

“Stevie…” you whispered, closing your eyes and tipping your head back as he nibbled along the soft skin on your inner thigh. “Please…”

He had to give in. His cock twitched in his pants, straining against the zipper at the sound of your soft moans and pleas.

He pulled your underwear away from your skin and to the side, exposing your dripping wet folds to his hungry eyes. He could tell just by the look of it that your sensitive clit was throbbing. He hummed in satisfaction, “Prettiest little cunt I’ve ever seen…” He whispered more so to himself, reminding himself - not that he would ever forget - that you were his. “Spread your legs for me, Princess.”

You did, just like you did everything he asked. You parted your legs then supported yourself up on your elbows, watching him. Steve once mentioned that he liked it when you watched him as he pleasured you.

You let out a moan the moment his mouth touched you. His lips moved along your wet folds as his tongue teased your entrance. His beard scratched your sensitive skin, as your arousal spread all over his mouth.

“You taste so sweet, Princess.” You watched how Steve closed his eyes, savouring your taste. You were a moaning mess in no time, your whole body electrified at his touch. “Like strawberries and honey.” He moaned at your taste alone, humping against the bed discreetly. He could always fuck you later, but right now was strictly about you.

Steve moved his hand which was caressing up and down your thigh towards your core. He pushed his two fingers past your entrance and pumped them in and out of you slowly, gradually increasing his pace. He felt your walls clench around his fingers as you moaned louder and louder with each stroke of his fingers against your walls. His mouth moved to your throbbing clit, teasing you further until you felt like you were losing your mind.

“Stevie…” You struggled to hold back your moans.

Steve took one look at you and he knew you wouldn’t last much longer. You never could last long under his touch anyways. But he was always more than happy to pleasure his Princess.

“Are you gonna cum for me, Princess? You can’t hold back from cumming all over my tongue, can you baby?”

His husky voice made your body throb even more, along with his warm breath fanning your damp skin. You whined in response, dropping down on the bed - your upper body having no strength to hold you up any longer. Steve chuckled.

“It’s okay, Princess. Cum for me.” He whispered and placed his mouth back on your clit while his fingers pumped in and out of your relentlessly. He noticed the way your legs were shaking slightly. You couldn’t hold the pressure in between your legs anymore so you let go and came violently around his fingers and mouth.

You moaned out loud, squirming as you came, and Steve lapped up everything you had to offer. He licked each and every drop of your cum as it spilled out of you before kissing his way up your body again. He reached your lips and kissed you deeply.

You giggled into the kiss. It made Steve smile, he always found it adorable how you were always so giggly after he made you cum.

Steve pulled away after a while, looking down at your swollen lips and the shine in your eyes. “Want me to order your favorites for your special day? Strawberry and chocolate donuts?” He asked. Those damn donuts were your kryptonite. He often wondered if you loved them more than you loved him.

You gave it a thought. “Nope.”

Your answer worried him. And he opened his mouth to ask you why but you spoke up before he could. “Let’s make some cupcakes instead. With strawberry and chocolate icing.” You had missed him so much and you desperately wanted to spend time with him, and what was better than baking together in the kitchen?

Steve smiled, almost reading your mind. He knew exactly why you had proposed so. He felt a little guilty but quickly pushed those thoughts aside. Then he remembered…

He leaned down to whisper in your ear, “Princess,” it sounded like a warning. “You remember what happened the last time we tried to bake something, right?” His voice sent shivers dancing down your back.

Of course you remembered. It involved a lot of kisses, chocolate ganache and eventually ended with Steve fucking you right there on the kitchen floor. Your face felt really as that memory resurfaced in your head.

You nodded. “I promise that won’t happen again, Stevie.” You were the one to blame for that, since it was you who kept teasing him in the first place.

He hummed in your ear, the sound making your body throb again. “We’ll see about that.” He pulled away and stared down at you. “Okay, come on. Let’s go make some cupcakes for my Princess.”

You jumped out of bed the moment he got off you. He pulled you close again, buttoning your dress for you while you looked up at him like he hung the moon.

By the time you made it to the kitchen, Steve had already removed his suit jacket and tie. The black button down shirt was doing things to you but he didn’t need to know that yet. It should be illegal for a man to look that good. While you took out all the appliances and utensils you needed for the cupcakes and icing, Steve’s phone vibrated on the counter.

He grabbed his phone and took a look at who the caller was. You noticed the frown on his face.

“Who is it Stevie? Is it work?”

The discontent in your tone didn’t go by unnoticed. But this phone call had to be dealt with. “No, Princess.” Steve stepped closer and kissed your forehead. “It’s… an old friend. I’ll be back in just a minute, okay?” He kissed your lips briefly and left the kitchen.

You pouted for a moment but then shook it off.

Steve went as far away from the open kitchen as he could, just to get out of your hearing range. He had to cross the entire living room to answer the call. Bitterly.

“What?” He spat at the caller. And he was immediately greeted by a sobbing woman.

“Just let me talk to her, at least please. She’s my-,”

Steve cut the crying woman off, like he always did. “She’s your nothing! Nothing, you hear me? She’s mine. Only mine. It’s not my fault you’re a terrible mother who doesn’t care about her daughter’s well-being.”

He heard more sobbing on the phone. “I didn’t do anything, I just-,”

He cut her off once again. “Stop lying! You tried to take her away from me!”

The woman raised her voice. “Because I realized that you’re crazy! I regret the day I met you, the day I let you in my life, in her life. You were a big mistake, and now you won’t even let me talk to my daughter?!” Her anger could be heard despite the tears. “You won’t even let me come home, I can’t even step out of this damn place because your men are everywhere!”

Steve chuckled. Your mother was abroad, not allowed to come anywhere close to you because… because he didn’t like the thought of having to share your love or attention. You were his. You had him, you didn’t need anyone else.

“You’re in a luxurious house, with everything one can ever need in it. What are you complaining about? You could’ve been dead, you know? I could have had you killed instead if I wanted to, but I didn’t. You should thank me for that.”

He received a series of swear words as a reply, which only made him smirk wider.

“It’s her birthday, Steve. Let me talk to her. I won’t tell her anything about this, please.” The woman begged.

Steve scoffed. “She doesn’t need you. She has me. Now, don’t ever call here again or I’ll make sure you don’t live to see another day.” He ended the call right in the woman’s face. He carelessly tossed his phone on one of the couches as he walked back into the kitchen.

You were taking out all the ingredients, weighing them on the scale carefully. You had somehow managed to get some flour on your cheek in the process. Steve smiled, his heart melting at the sight of you. So precious, all his.

He walked over to where you stood and wrapped his arms around your waist, lowering his head to kiss your exposed shoulder. “Hi Princess.” He murmured, softly.

You smiled. “Hi.”

“I love you more than anything, Princess. You know that, right?” He placed another kiss on your skin.

You turned your head to the side a little, smiling, “I know, you tell me everyday. I love you too, Stevie.”

Midway through, while your cupcakes were in the oven and Steve was getting the icing ready, he noticed a slight frown on your face as you sat on the counter not far from him.

“What is it, Princess?” He placed the bowl down and stared at you, giving you his undivided attention as always.

“Hmm?” You looked up at him, “Oh, nothing.” You lied. And he caught it immediately. You were never a good liar.

Steve walked over to you, stepping in between your legs and placing his hands on your thighs, caressing your skin gently. “Don’t lie to me, Princess. Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

You looked down at your lap, his hands inching higher and higher up your thigh. You wondered if you should bring it up, because it always upset him. But before you could stop yourself, you were blurting out the words, “I was wondering why my mom didn’t call me today. She did last year. You think she forgot my birthday?”

Steve was upset for a moment, before being clouded by jealousy and possessiveness. He tried smiling to hide it. “You don’t need her. If she cared, she’d be here right now. Don’t you agree, Princess?”

You nodded, lowering your eyes, but Steve could tell you didn’t agree.

“Princess, look at me.” He spoke, you looked up. “You don’t need anyone. You have me, right?”

You nodded again, more firmly. “I know, Stevie but-,”

You didn’t get a chance to finish your sentence. Steve slid his hand into your hair and tugged on it gently to make sure he had your attention. “Because what, huh? Is my love not enough for you? Am I not enough?” His tone was gentle but bitter. His eyes were glossier than before. Anger, jealousy, it all ate him up on the inside.

You stared into his eyes, your own watering a little. Oh no, you didn’t want to upset him. “You’re my everything, Stevie.”

Those words shook his entire being, and he released your hair immediately. He looked down for a moment, sighing loudly. He placed his hands on either side of you on the counter, pressing his forehead to your chest. “You’re mine, Princess.” He whispered as your fingers slid into his hair, massaging his scalp to calm him down. It was working. “You’re mine and you don’t need anyone else.” He whispered. “We don’t need anyone.”

You spoke up immediately, “I know. I don’t need anyone. I have you.” You felt him kiss his way up your neck soon after.

“But you’re still thinking about your mother, are you not?” He sounded bitter. “She doesn’t care about you, Princess. She never has, neither did your father. They never cared or loved you like I do.” He said softly, but his jealousy was hard to ignore.

“I know, Stevie.”

You couldn’t see his face but you knew he was in a bad mood. He eventually said so himself, “You upset me, Princess.” He murmured then resumed kissing your skin. “I do all this for you, buy you what you want, do everything to keep you happy but it seems I’m not enough.” He whispered against your skin and you shivered at his tone.

“No Stevie, that’s not-,”

He shut you up by placing his mouth on yours. He kissed you with all he had in him, pouring out all his emotions - the good and the bad. His hands gripped your hips as he kissed you hard and fiercely, not caring that he was biting your lips carelessly.

You couldn’t help but gasp into the kiss when he swiftly slid you off the counter and set you down on your feet. Steve pulled away and stared into your eyes with love and anger. “I’m all you need, Princess. Why can’t you just accept that?”

Before you could say something, he turned you around so your front pressed against the edge of the counter and your back to his torso. You gripped the counter as he grabbed your dress on either side and pulled it up until it bunched around your waist. You felt his mouth at the side of your neck; licking and biting and kissing - making your heart race and that intensified when you heard the sound of him unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants.

“I’m gonna show you that I’m enough.” He whispered into your ear. “That I’m all you need, because no one is going to love you as much as I do, Princess.” The sincerity and certainly in his voice sent tingles down your spine.

You felt him lower your underwear until it reached your ankles. Your heart fluttered and raced all at the same time. You could feel him, pressing against you. His hands on either side of your waist as you pressed the palms of your hands against the cold counter.

You waited for a moment. Then you felt the tip of his cock press against your folds, slowly rubbing up and down; parting the lips at your entrance. “You’re all mine, Princess.” Steve moaned under his breath as he pushed himself slowly inside of you.

Your grip on the counter grew tighter as you steadied yourself for his thrust, knowing it was coming sooner than you thought. Steadily, Steve filled you up; stretching you all the way like he always did. And he had you whimpering in no time.

“You belong to me.” He murmured, pushing his face into the crook of your neck. Your mind was foggy as he started rocking into you. Slowly at first, then gradually building up his pace. “Say it.” He demanded. “Tell me you belong to me.”

You felt all of him. Each time he filled you up entirely, the tip of his cock brushed against your most sensitive spot, and you moaned out loud each time; your walls clenching around him.

“I’m yours…” you whispered. Your mind was hazy, by him slamming into you. His thrust was animalistic, and rough. Each time he slammed into you, your front crashed against the counter, achingly. But the pleasure his body brought you made up for that.

“Louder.” He growled. “I didn’t hear you.” He taunted, pulling his face away. His hand flew to your hair and he grabbed a fistful of it, and tugged on it; tipping your head back. “I said louder, Princess.” His voice sounded menacing.

You whimpered as he pounded into your core. His pelvic bone smacking against your ass each time he thrust into you. “I… I’m yours, Stevie” You said, louder like he wanted.

The sounds of your skin slapping against one another was downright obscene, and the grunts leaving his mouth was even more sinful. You couldn’t see him, yet you knew he looked absolutely, devilishly handsome with his head thrown back, eyes closed, his lips parted as occasional groans escaped his lips. You could imagine him with the frown of pleasure he always had whenever he fucked you.

“You better remember that, Princess.” He growled into your ear. “You are mine. I love you, and I am the only one you’re allowed to love back. You hear me?”

You nodded, moaning as he reached every single sensitive spot inside you. You felt a familiar warmth taking over you, and a pressure building in your lower region. You knew you couldn’t hold it any longer.

And when your walls clenched violently around him, Steve knew you were close as well.

“You’re gonna cum for me, Princess?” he cooed, his voice laced with lust and desire. Seeing you didn’t reply, he tugged on your hair and tilted your head back a little more. He leaned in to kiss your parted lips before pulling away a few inches to spit into your mouth, then leaned in to kiss your swollen lips again. You moaned wantonly as he did.

“Cum for me.” He slammed his cock harder into you, and your eyes watered. He felt agonizingly good. It didn’t take much for you to come undone after that. Gushing out around his cock, walls pulsating around him; you came, hard.

He did too. With a few strokes against your walls, he came right after you. “All fucking mine.” His warm load shooting inside you, leaving behind his presence as your body shook against the counter.

Carefully, he pulled out. And smiled, satisfied, as he watched how his cum trickled out of you and past your folds. He adjusted his pants and zipped it up. He pulled your underwear up, then finally fixed your dress.

He leaned in to kiss your cheek. Your back was still against his torso, and his arms were around you. Unable to trust your own body, your hands gripped the counter still. He nuzzled your neck, kissed your skin and moved his lips to your ear.

“Now tell me, Princess, do you need anyone else? Anyone at all?” He mumbled.

You shook your head, still hazy. “No, Stevie. You’re all I need. You’re my everything.” You replied, repeating the same words he constantly told you. “I love you.”

Steve smiled against your skin. “I love you more, Princess.” He added, “Perhaps a little too much.” He meant what he said.

He didn’t care how many times he’d have to remind you. He would do it as many times as it took, all for you to realize that you belonged to him. There was no one else. No other love, no one else to turn to, nowhere to run. Just him.

“Now come on, we have cupcakes to ice.” He kissed your cheek before pulling your trembling body away from the counter.

You smiled up at him. Your Stevie… How could you ever bother about whether anyone else remembered your birthday or not? Stevie was here for you, and he was all you ever needed. He was your everything. You loved him. Only him.

#steve rogers smut #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers au #mob!steve #dark!steve rogers #steve rogers

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honeyabyss · 3 years ago

Text

Phone calls after Mc returned to the human realm

Lucifer:

this man is stubborn, calling you would be like admitting he's gone soft and his pride does not allow that!

so he refuses to call for the first few weeks, keeping himself busy with work of which he has enough anyway

due to all his student council work, a few other tasks of Diavolo and on top of that the usual shenanigans of his brothers, he quickly becomes very stressed

he's at his breaking point and needs someone to talk to so he can release some of his stress before he takes it out on someone else

so he goes to your old room and starts talking as soon as he enters it, only to stop confused when he doesn't see you in the room, remembering only now you left for the human realm

disappointed he sits down onto the bed and curls the blanket around himself

"Their scent is almost gone...Soon it'll be as if they were never here"

he closes his eyes, sighs softly and makes his decision

"Mc? I hope I didn't wake you. I simply thought a conversation would be nice, it's been a while..."

Lucifer's call is pretty casual, he talks about his day, work and his troublemaker brothers, it almost feels like any other day before just this time it is over phone

he does not want to admit he misses you, a) because he'd seem weak and b) he fears what admitting it will do to him, he might just miss you even more

BUT while saying goodbye he accidentally lets a "I miss you" slip, his breathing stops shortly realizing his mistake, he is about to apologize when you say it back

he smiles softly, genuinely relieved about your shared sentiment and whispers "I'll call you again soon then" before hanging up

from then on he calls you every evening and you better jump right away and pick up at the first ringing, because this man is lonely without you

Mammon:

"Congratulations! You're one of our lucky winners of our monthly Devil-Lottery. We'll have to confirm your bank account number with the one given to us when you agreed to participating in the lottery. Would you be so kind to slowly repeat the number-"

this greedy demon will quite literally try to scam you, only to absolutely panic when you hang up on him

he will instantly call you back, constantly adjusting his glasses, a nervous habit he acquired over the years

"H-hey...Mc...uhm, it's me your favourite demon!"

he is relieved you picked up, as it means you didn't block him right away, he stumbles over his words trying to find an excuse why he just tried to scam you

"Ah you know I only did that to test you, you've passed nobody scams my human! You're my amazing human after all! That's why I love you...u-uh I-i mean...nothing...that was a static you must have misheard..."

when you tell him you knew it was him as you recognized his voice, he'll be outraged, screaming into his D.D.D (and probably later getting punched by Lucifer for being so loud)

"What do you mean you already knew?! You dared to hang up on The Great Mammon?

He gets a bit sulky by your reaction, so how about playing into his obvious lie of testing you to make him feel better again

besides trying to scam you Mammon also called to (not so sneakily) check on your wellbeing

now that you're gone he constantly worries about you and he can't do much to help, but if you were actually in need of help due to whatever, trust me he'd fight Lucifer himself for permission to go to you

he'll call you as often as he can, sometimes with a few days of a break in between, asking you about your life and also letting you in on his upcoming money making schemes...please don't tell Lucifer about them

Mammon has learned his lesson though, he'll never try to scam you again, he couldn't bare it if you were to block or ignore his calls

Leviathan:

phone calls? Why? You two can just talk about the in-game talk function of this new online game you play, but no real world talk while playing that ruins the immersion!

Levi will rarely call you as he just doesn't feel comfortable enough to talk with you about normie stuff for too long

he normally just spam writes you, ding, ding, ding, one message after another coming in without you being able to respond quick enough

so if gets too much and you decide to just call him so you can have an actual chance of responding, Levi just panics and almost drops his D.D.D

"Mc? D-did you accidentally hit the c-call button? N-no? I-i see no I love you too!!....AAAAAAAh I-i meant I l-l-love t-talking to you too...hehehe w-why would a yucky o-otaku like me say something like that"

poor boy is so nervous he'll say something stupid and will stutter a lot the first few times you call him, he is just not used to talking on the phone

he will laugh nervously over everything and sometimes there'll be a phase of awkward silence, but please don't point it out, Levi is already stressed enough as it is

once he gets used to calls, he'll surprisingly suggests to have a phone call while both of you are watching the new episode of an anime, so he'll be able to talk to you as if you're right next to him, which works out mediocre at first, you have to tell him to be a bit quieter a few times but besides that it's quiet nice

"Ooooooowhooooooah!!! Did you see that? That was amazing, I wish I had these superpowers, I'd save you of every danger like a real hero! W-what do you mean I'm already your hero?"

Yes, you saw and heard it, and your neighbours probably heard Levi...

on the rare occasions Levi calls you he'll often asks you for favours like to buy him this exclusively in the human realm sold limited edition game, of course he isn't like his scummy brother Mammon who'll constantly asks for things and he'll also make it up by sending you stuff you can only get on Akuzon

so calls don't happen very often, but neither if you really mind, you'll still be in contact through messages and games

Satan:

Satan will be very proper about calling you, he'll check through messages if you're fine with him calling you, so he can be sure you have time and he doesn't bother you

Satan never jumps into a conversation right away (unless he is angry), he makes sure to show interest in you and hold a bit small talk, asking about your day, how you're doing and so on

you talk about many different things with him mostly about your shared interests, but Satan is willing to listen to you ramble about hobbies he doesn't have as well

one thing you two quickly come to do was have book club sessions over phone

"I wish you were still here Mc. I miss my book discussion partner, nobody here has as interesting opinions and views as you..."

back in Devildom you two would both read a book and afterwards discuss your thoughts, and you found a way too keep doing just that

you both write about books, decide on one to read for the week and would than have a phone call where you just talk for hours about the piece of literature you've read

now that you're back in the human realm, the book choices are even bigger as you can read human books as well, you just have to send a copy to Satan, sometimes Barbatos will be nice and pick a book up and deliver it to Satan, or to you if it's the other way around with a demon book

"Oh? No, you're right. I haven't thought about it like that yet...your thoughts are so fascinating!"

Satan will shower you in praise for every little detail that you noticed yet he missed. he genuinely enjoys your phone calls, and though he wouldn't admit it, sometimes he anticipates your call more than the actual book

even though there now is a bigger distance between you two he still feels as close to you as before, not much has changed for him and he knows he'll be able to see you again soon, he'll just have to be patient

"Next week, same time? I'm looking forward to talking to you again. Take care until then!"

Asmodeus:

"Oh my Lord! You won't believe what just happened!!!"

no greeting or alike, just straight into the discussion

whenever something gossip worthy happens, Asmo is already dialling your number to spill the tea and keep you updated on any Devildom related gossip, even if it won't help you much, it's a nice thought of him keep you in the loop

those are only the spontaneous call though, obviously you can't take these all the time...you still have a life of your own...

you two actually call each other every day at the same time, plus/minus a couple minutes, the water in the tub has to be filled first...yeah Asmo likes to talk you while he is taking his afternoon bath

"Hahh it's so relaxing, warm water caressing my beautiful skin, and the bath bomb today smells so good! I wish you could smell it, or even better I wish we could bathe together!"

*water sloshing noises intensified*

Asmo...no....yes...maybe...just stop, you'll fluster Mc!

"No really! I miss having you here, I'll pamper you all day the next time I'll get to see you. You must already be starved of my beauty, but don't worry my dear, I'm just as starved of seeing your lovely face!"

what to talk about while he is bathing? Anything really if it's about your day, any complains or whatever, just expect a few innuendos of him...that's nothing new though

seriously though Asmo is the guy to talk to about any of your problems, he will listen and try to come up with a solution for you, even if he seems a bit narcissistic sometimes he really cares about you, so use your phone calls as therapy from time to time

"Oh darling, don't worry it'll be okay! I'm here to help...now tell me every detail so I can come up with a plan! I'll always be there for you, no matter what!"

Beelzebub:

"*munch munch* This one is really good! Mc you should try some...oh"

now that you're back in the human realm, Beels snack times are very lonely, he has just gotten so used to your presence, even sharing his food is normal by now

and let's be honest Beels snack time is 24/7 so he misses you a lot

he feels the urge to call you every five minutes and sometimes even forgets to eat while phone is ringing and he is waiting for you to pick up

but you can't constantly talk with him over phone so the calls often end up on your voicemail where Beel tells you about all the different kind of foods he ate that day

when Belphie catches wind of his twin constantly pestering you, he hides Beels D.D.D so he can't call you all the time

when you're actually able to pick up on his call, Beel will be so happy you can quite literally hear his huge grin while he's excitedly talking about his current snack

"Have you ever tried spicy bat-wings? There opened a new restaurant in town and it's really good!! Next time you're here I'll invite you there. Oh but what if it closes before you're back...ah you'll just have to visit soon!"

though Beel is often disappointed when you don't pick up, he would never hold it against you, he knows he calls quite a lot, but he just misses you and tipping a message while he eats is harder than putting his D.D.D on speaker and talking to you

of course he doesn't only talk about food, he also tells you about how his brothers are doing and how his workout was, or what things he has planned to do at the weekend, all in all Beel is just super happy to share everything of his life with you

on rare occasions he'll call you and be untypically quiet, that happens when he had a fight with his twin, it's not often but sometimes it happens and his first instinct is to call you, because he feels like he can tell you everything so he is very comfortable and trusting with you

"I miss you a lot, you know...but I also know that you think about me daily, every time your stomach rumbles you'll be reminded of me and that makes me happy, I also think about you every time I'm hungry! Hm? But I'm always hungry? That's right! You're always on my mind!"

Belphegor:

Listen, his sleeping schedule is very tight, you can't just expect him to call you!

he will call you so rarely and if you call him it might just happen that he is sleeping and has phone on silent...or he's just to lazy to walk to his phone, or he is just not in the mood to talk... he takes any excuse to not be on the phone

Belphie does like talking to you, but he is not the greatest at long conversations so he like messages more

sometimes when he can't seem to fall asleep, he will be the one to call you...in the middle of the night...and you better pick up or he gets annoyed

"What took you so long? I thought you wanted to talk more often and then you leave me hanging for a whole minute? Doesn't matter I would have waited longer with you...."

he is mostly silent through a phone call, his main reason to call you is because he like to listen to you talk, it's calming to him and if he calmer then he might be able to fall asleep again

so don't expect an amazingly deep conversation...

"Mhmmm...hm? Yeah I'm still there. I'm listening keep talking, I love your voice..."

he'll bring up a topic from time to time so you have an inspiration about what to talk about, but most of the times he just lazily hum or making acknowledging noises so you know he is still listening

"Zzz..."

he will to 100% fall asleep while being on the phone with you, that doesn't mean you're boring, but that he trusts you so much that he is comfortable enough to let his guard down

Diavolo:

"Good afternoon! How was the week of my favourite human?...ah don't tell Solomon I said that hahaha"

as the future king of hell, he is a busy man, but he still manages to give you a call once a week, to the same time you two would have normally had your weekly afternoon tea meeting in the castle

with the exchange year over there is not much about your classes to talk about left, but Dia is just as excited about any other topic you decide to talk about, be it the most mundane thing he loves it!

"Oh so you went grocery shopping? That must be fun! Barbatos does it all the time, though I suppose you buy less things...I'd like to see a human market at some point, I wonder if they're very different from ours...oh but I wouldn't really able to tell I suppose, Barbatos and you would need to point out the differences!"

this man can talk without taking a break for hours...you think Asmo is bad? Prepare for Diavolo...

but seriously it never gets boring with him, because he somehow finds good and fun stuff in every activity, I swear give him a vacuum and watch him clean you're whole flat with the enthusiasm of a child getting presents on Christmas

the work of a future king consists of so much paperwork, Dia will have only few events of his week to tell you about, if there is something to talk about there is a high chance it has to do with the brothers

so he'd much rather just sip his tea and listen to you, he'll ask you loads of questions though about anything he doesn't know

sometimes you two forget the time and Barb sadly has to remind you to come to a stop for now

"Mc? Did I wake you? If so I'm terribly sorry...would you be up to talk for a little bit more? I'm not feeling too tired yet"

surprise night time calls from Dia where you'll have to speak silently or Barbatos might reprimand Diavolo for staying up all night and being tired the next day, Dia doesn't regret it ever though, he likes to talk you a lot!

Barbatos:

Barbatos is always busy and his schedule can often suddenly change with a new whim of his master, so he can't exactly have a scheduled call with you

so you might not get to hear of him very often

BUT he made it a habit to call you when he is on duty to do the dishes, the chore is somewhat boring to him with no one to distract him

so he calls you and if you pick up, he'll put you on speaker and talk to you about whatever comes to mind while his hands wash one after another of the expensive porcelain of the royal household

"I've bought this new tea which is said to be really nice, it can even be enjoyed cold apparently. It seems to have to just the right amount of sweetness to not get bitter when drank cold...you can still add sugar for extra sweetness, though I believe you're already sweet enough as it is"

no matter what you decide to talk about Barbatos always has at least some knowledge about it, so it's beneficial for both of you, he can tell you the things he knows and you tell him your stuff

"I hope I'm not bothering you too much? There is quite a lot to do today... so it might take some more time..."

you will never get to know that Barb has actually already finished the dished a few minutes ago, but just isn't ready to say goodbye yet

the rest of the employees will be able handle the castle for a bit longer without him, meanwhile he can take a well deserved tea break and listen to you

he very much enjoys the fact he found a way to have some time with you while theoretically having to be at work, as long as he is able to finish all the tasks of his daily schedule, he doesn't feel too bad about his not so legal break

"I fear I'll have to get back to work now, but I loved talking to you today! I hope you enjoyed it as well. I'll talk to you again soon!"

Solomon:

Though Solomon returned to the human realm with you, you haven't heard much of him, being a wise old man sorcerer must be very time consuming

so calls of Solomon might be rare but that doesn't mean you don't write messages every now and then, when he calls you though it's always about something interesting or important to share, he talks about those things rather verbally, the best option for him would be in person, but that doesn't always work so a phone call is the second best option

"My lovely apprentice, how is your studying going? I've found the tome we were talking about last time you were interested in...it took some research to find which sorcerer had it but I brought it back for you. How about I'll drop by you next week? I can help you with your studying then, the tome is written in an older version of the language it might be easier if we do it together!"

Solomon can simply not sit still, so while you're on the phone, he is always tinkering at something and the background noises are sometimes quite peculiar...

Was that a pig squeaking? Are you sure you should be brewing a potion while being on the phone? Isn't it distracting?

Oh Lord was that an explosion?!

"Hmm? Oh yeah...I`m cooking dinner right now! It was just a small explosion though, you know the ones that are regularly happen in the kitchen. Why? Was my cute student worried about me?~ heheh alright, alright, I'll stop teasing you...for now!"

no matter how chaotic, teasing or busy Solomon is though, if you call him and are in need of help, he'll drop everything and run to you

he knows how hard it can be when studying magic, not to mention that the studies are difficult, the constant hiding of any magic in front of other humans is also very nerve wrecking, sometimes you feel like giving up and going back to your normal life, back to your non-magical very human friends that are blissfully unaware of everything happening around them, but you know you could never forget and act as if nothing happened, you'd also miss your new not so normal friends, so when times get hard Solomon will rush to you and comfort you in person or at least calm you down on phone until he is able to go to you

if that happens he is more likely to call you every two to three days just to check in on you

"Hey how is my strong and beautiful fellow human doing? Feeling better yet? Need a shoulder to lean on? I'm at your flat in 10 minutes..."

Simeon:

Simeon is a daily caller as well, he's gotten so used to seeing you every day that he feels quite restless if he doesn't get to hear your voice at least once a day

he asked you to recommend at what time he should call, he doesn't want to restrict you in your daily life, so you both came to the conclusion after dinner would be perfect, as both of you are free for the rest of the day then

He will often write a bit on his TSL scripts, just some notes and inspirations he comes up while talking to you

"How was your day my little lamb? You haven't overworked yourself right? Tell me if you ever need help!"

though Simeon would definitely have things to complain about with how Michael is working him to the bone, he'd rather not worry you so instead he tells you about how Luke is doing and evasively answers you questions about himself

"Oh me? Ah yes, I'm doing fine, just doing the usual archangel stuff you know...Ah please do not worry Mc, my dear! Nothing dangerous!"

over the time his TSL notes turn into random scribbles, rhymes and poems and every now and then something that looks suspiciously like your name

Sometimes Luke crashes the call and wants to speak with you as well so Simeon tries to put the phone on speaker only to end up ending the call and Luke getting frustrated with Simeon and doing it himself

then again Simeon also just accidentally hangs up on you mid conversation, because his fingers hit the button without him noticing, he'll get so confused when you cut off in the middle of your sentence and thinks something has happened to you, only to be relieved when you call back a few seconds later

Simeon is very interested in your day and how you doing, asking you many questions and encouraging you to keep talking

"Oh no please keep talking! You're not overwhelming me at all, in fact I like listening to your voice, it puts even the most melodic voice of an angel into the shadows...hahaha did I make you embarrassed? I apologize, I didn't mean to, I was only telling you my honest opinion!"

Simeon is quite the flatterer, but he often does not notice it, he simply tries to be nice, so a call with him leaves you flustered and stuttering ever now and then, but he is just as quick to blush at a honest and heartfelt compliment

Luke:

Luke might be an angel, but he is still low ranking and therefore has less assignments, besides studying to become a great angel and doing some minor tasks for Michael, he is relatively free

he often spends his free time in the kitchen constantly trying to improve his baking, now after the exchange year not only to impress Michael and Simeon but also Barbatos, maybe a bit Beel and definitely you!

but as Simeon is still working at these times, he gets somewhat lonely so he'll try calling you to keep him some company

Luke has this habit of speaking the recipes out loud to remember the steps better and be able to able to make them from memory, he got that tip from Barbatos, but he still has his moments where he gets stuck and forgets what to do next, you can notice that when he gets silent and concentrates on trying to remember

"Ah right that was it! I almost forgot about the eggs! Good thing you were here...or well on the phone hehe! You always remember this stuff, you're so amazing!"

when you tell him you simply looked it up in the internet for him, he'll get a bit sulky that he now basically cheated, but with your reassurance that he is already great and can remember so many other steps, he is quickly back to his happy little angel self

"Michael let me help with his conference today I was assistant record keeper today, one day I'll be able to do it alone, bit they're talking so much and so fast...I think I still need a couple centuries until I'm fully ready, but I'm working on improving! You should also try to improve your skills daily! Even a small bit of practice is good! Though I think you're perfect already!"

Luke most definitely learned his flattering from Simeon... he talks about many different things on the phone but repeating topic is Michael...just talking to you makes his day and later he'll tell everything Simeon and he smiles so brightly while he reports to him, please keep talking to him a lot!

#obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me headcanons #obey me swd #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me simeon #obey me luke

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princess-of-inarizaki · 4 years ago

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Heyheyhey!! Can i request manager birthday and the team forget about it for seijoh, inarizaki, and shiratorizawa bcs tomorrow ma birthday hahah. Thank youuu and i love you

Anon-chan!! This is SUCH an important birthday request and I am beyond honoured to write it for you :D 💖💖💖💖✨

Our birthdays are so close too👉👈 mine's next week. (Exactly ten days apart from yours!!)

Anyways, happy birthday Anon-chan!!I hope you have a beautiful day, filled with lots of happy things, and a wonderful year ahead. you're wonderful, and I hope you always remember that !! 💖💖💖✨ I love you so very much <3

The teams forgetting their manager's birthday

Characters: Seijoh, Shiratorizawa, and Inarizaki

Warnings: none

Oh btw!! since the type of manager is not specified, I'll go with my default fem manager :D she's cute and sweet (like you, Anon-chan 😺😆💖) and the boys adore her a ton. She's also very capable, smart, and confident, and she loves being physical with the boys, which constantly flusters them!

Seijoh

The Seijoh boys would be so busy practicing for an upcoming match, they kinda forget everything that's happening around them.

Lots of focus. You smile fondly, because that's what makes them such a good team. Their ability to focus on their goals and eliminate all distractions.

Until one day, Yahaba is just scrolling through his phone's calendar when he sees “Manager Chan's birthday, 19th November.”

And he's just so shocked and guilty. He immediately calls the rest of the team and tells them what he just realized.

The team feels so guilty and disappointed in themselves. They're a day late to wish you, and they desperately want to make it up to you.

You're their precious manager after all, the one who bandages their injuries with a smile and who always gives them the motivation to do better.

How could they possibly forget such a precious human being's birthday?

That same day, they create a group chat excluding you, and begin to plan something special for you.

They break themselves up into teams with specific tasks of getting things ready for an impromptu birthday party for you.

Iwa-chan is in charge of ensuring everything runs smoothly, and he makes sure to do it with zeal, hoping to make it the best birthday ever for you, eventhough it's a bit late.

The next day, you walk into the gym, and it's absolutely quiet and dark. The boys aren't there yet, which is pretty odd, considering practice should've started a few minutes ago.

You stand in front of the gym and dial Oikawa's number, because he's always quick to respond to your calls, but the number goes straight to voicemail. You're confused, and a little curious as to where they are.

Suddenly, you feel someone's hands covering your eyes, and Oikawa's voice saying “y/n-chan, don't be scared. We have a surprise for you.”

You laugh, realisation washing over you that the boys probably planned something because they forgot it was your birthday yesterday, and follow Oikawa as he guides you inside.

When he finally uncovers your eyes, you see the boys holding a huge, slightly odd looking cake, lit with candles.

Oikawa hugs you from behind and you pull him closer to you, snuggling in his embrace.

You then blow out your candles and make a silent wish. I wish to always be by their side

Iwa-chan is already hitting Oikawa for hugging you before the rest, so you hug Iwa too, then Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Yahaba, Kunimi, and even Kyotani, albeit him being slightly rigid.

“thanks guys, this is an amazing surprise!” you say softly, as your eyes tear up. It's obvious that they made the cake themselves, and eventhough it wasn't perfect, your boys, made it for you.

Your heart squeezed as you cut slices for everyone, and handed it to them, as they sat on the bleachers to enjoy it.

You sit next to Yahaba and leaned on his shoulder. “Thanks for remembering” you said softly.

He blushed. “how did you know?” you explained that Kunimi told you, and he smiled at you and ruffled your hair.

“We're sorry for not remembering sooner, Y/n-san. Thanks for being the best manager ever” said Iwaizumi. He seemed to be nonchalant about it, but his eyes and smile betrayed him. He was fond of you, and genuinely glad that you enjoyed the small celebration they had prepared.

You smiled and kissed his cheek as acknowledgement, which caused him to blush and Oikawa to throw a small tantrum.

You laughed as you looked at them bantering with each other, Hanamaki and Matsukawa teasing Kyotani, and Yahaba and Kunimi next to you. You really did love these boys.

Shiratorizawa

So I'm pretty sure it's exam week, and these boys are just so studious and hardworking, they're totally immersing themselves in their studies and books.

Until it's their calculus exam and Tendou just suddenly remembers “Oh my God, it was Y/N's birthday two days ago!!” as his pencil flies across the room, much to the sensei's disapproval (haha, miracle boy is so cute)

He pulls the other third years aside after the exam, like Ushijima, and Semi, and tells them what he just remembers.

Ushijima is just stoic, but internally he's like "how could I forget? I never forget important dates like these? Is something wrong with me?" And Semi's just so sad he wants to scoop you in his arms right away.

Tendou then proposes the idea of taking you somewhere after school to surprise you, and they agree, and run off to tell the rest of the team.

Goshiki is just close to tears he hates that he forgot his favourite senpai's birthday, especially when you remembered his (and the entire team's) and never failed to make it a special day for them.

So after school ends, you're getting ready to go back home, when Semi just scoops you into his arms and carries you to the rest of the team.

You're not all that shocked, since Semi does this pretty often, and so you let him. “where are we going?” you ask, and he just casually answers “to celebrate the end of exams”

You laugh silently. They're definitely planning more than that, but you decide to humour them, and smile at the team when Semi lets you down gently.

“let's go have udon” says Shirabu with a too-big smile. You and the team walk to an udon shop near the school, and enter quietly.

Goshiki sits next you, and he looks like he wants to say something, but can't, as he bites his lip. Ushijima sits in front of you, and rest of the team take their places and begin ordering.

You notice Tendou talking to the shop owner intently, with Shirabu next to him. Ushijima knows that you might suspect something, so he tries getting your attention by asking you about your exams.

Suddenly, Tendou brings a cake to the table and team begins singing happy birthday for you. You smile happily and wait for them to finish before making a wish and blowing off the candles.

You smile happily at the team and their hearts grow warm, seeing you so happy like that.

“We're sorry for not remembering sooner, y/n-senpai” says Goshiki in a sad voice. Your heart tugs at seeing him so sad, so you ruffle his hair and assure him that exams are tough on everyone, and that it was better to celebrate it after they ended anyways.

You and the team eat the cake after having udon, and talk about the week together. They start reminiscing about memories with you, as they talk about their first impressions, and cute memories with a soft smile on their faces.

Tendou retells the story of how you first came to the team and how much you've grown ever since then.

At some point, Semi sits in your place whilst you've gone to the ladies room, and pulls you to his lap when you come back.

The team laughs when they see you desperately refusing, worried that you'll be too heavy, whilst Semi reassures you that you won't.

Goshiki adoringly smiles at you, and Semi pulls you closer to him. Tendou feeds you small pieces of strawberry left from the cake, as Shirabu records everything, excitedly typing in a caption on his social media.

Meanwhile, Ushijima is just carefully adding in a small reminder in his phone calendar, so he'll never forget your birthday in the future ever again.

Inarizaki

My sweet little fox babies! I think they would be excitedly counting down for your birthday, you're their precious manager-chan after all (and I can't bring myself to say they forgot 😅😭) when Atsumu suddenly sees a friend of yours post a "happy birthday y/n!!" on their Instagram story.

Atsumu immediately jumps on his brother's bed and wakes him up, whilst texting your friend. “Isn't y/n's birthday five days from now?”

Your friend replies. “no haha, it's today!” which cause the twins to desperately call Aran, Suna, Ginjima, and of course, captain Kita!

The boys are hurriedly awoken a few minutes after midnight, and absolutely frazzled! They had all planned something special, but now they would have to change the date, and some things (like the cake and venue) weren't ready so soon.

Osamu groggily got out of bed and began taking out eggs, butter, flour, and other baking ingredients. Eventhough it was extremely late, and he had a tiring day, nothing could compare to his love for you. And so, he started mixing the ingredients at one a.m.

Kita tried to remain calm, but internally freaks out. He and Suna are trying to brainstorm ideas of places they could take you to make your day enjoyable.

Atsumu was busy wrapping the gifts they had all got. He got way too many papercuts and had a bit of trouble, but it was for you, and the thought alone of you smiling was enough to motivate him.

Aran and Ginjima made their own preparations in their own homes for the next day, and Aran even facetimed Osamu to keep him company throughout the baking process.

They were determined to make your birthday a happy one, and genuinely wanted to let you know they loved and cared for you so much.

The next day, six terribly sleep deprived boys arrived at school, with the needed arrangements set. The cake was safely secured with Osamu, and Suna took the bag of gifts from Atsumu.

Kita went to go find you, and he saw you waiting by the entrance of school. “Y/n-san, let's go.” said Kita with a mysterious smile.

You were a bit confused. School was the other way and he was dragging you away from it, but you trusted Kita and followed him.

He led you to the rest of the team, and gently places his hand on your back. “Let's go, y/n-san. We're going to the beach.”

You were super confused. “but school?”. Suna gives you a sleepy smile. “Kita and me have already handled that. We told your teachers you'd be absent today, now c'mon.”

Atsumu gently holds your small hand in his and you guys walks to the subway. As you dig for your subway card in your pocket, the boys get seated. There's one less seat, so Atsumu pulls you to his lap, much to the rest of the team's disapproval.

They're all so jealous, Atsumu laughs silently, and pulls an oblivious you closer. Osamu just rolls his eyes, but internally seethes.

Two stops later, the team motions to exit, and Aran shyly comes closer to you, taking your hand this time. You smile at him and make your way to the small beach you sometimes spend time in, with the rest of the team.

Kita finds an empty picnic table and everyone sits down, placing the items they had brought with them down, and looking at you expectantly.

“Happy Birthday, y/n-chan.” they chorused together. Suna ruffled your hair from the right side of you, and Osamu begins lighting up the candles on your left.

You gratefully thank them for going to the trouble of bringing you here, the fresh beach air and breeze immediately putting you in a cheerier mood.

They then start singing you a happy birthday as you blush silently and blow the candles out, making a wish. I wish to be able to love these boys forever.

You lean over and kiss Osamu's cheek. He blushes red immediately. “Thank you for going to the trouble of baking this, Samu'” if only you knew, he thought silently, as flashbacks of him almost falling asleep in front of the oven came to mind.

Kita cuts the cake and gives you the biggest slice, much to your happiness. The boys all eat their cake and joke around about all the memories they've made with you.

“I can remember when y/n-chan just came. She was so small and sweet, Osamu said she reminded him of a macaroon” said Aran.

Kita fondly smiles as he gives you a pack off green tea from his grandmother.

Ginjima gives you the gifts the entire team had picked and you begin tearing up, much to everyone's dismay. You're just so grateful to have them.

Suddenly Atsumu leans over and swipes frosting from the cake on your face. The mood is once again lifted, as Suna takes a ton of pictures, and contributes to the frosting on your face too.

“hey that's enough now” says Kita. He looks firm, but his eyes betray him. The slight sparkle shows that he thinks it adorably hilarious how the boys are annoying you.

The water seems to be calling you, so you pull Suna to the shore and lean down to the water.

The rest of the day is just filled with the boys and you doing random things by the beach, like eating popsicles, and finding seashells. You're unable to actually get into the water, due to your school uniforms, but seeing an excited you gush over the seashells and smile happily over ice cream is enough for the boys.

At the end of the day, you and the team watch the sunset together, and swear to work extra hard for the upcoming nationals.

As they see you looking up at the sunset adoringly, their hearts squeeze in their chest, so grateful to be a part of your life.

Taglist: @osamusriceballs @k-sakusa-old

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andreafmn · 4 years ago

Text

Running In Circles - Chapter 1

Word Count: 3,196

Characters: Female Reader Rossi Character, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, Jennifer “JJ”Jareau, Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia, George Foyet, Multiple Unsubs and Victims

Story Description: (Y/N) Rossi is following in her father’s footsteps by joining the BAU team as a profiler. The girl genius knew almost everything but she could have never predicted falling for Aaron Hotchner, her boss and her father’s friend. in their world mutual feelings are not enough to push them together. Will all the adversities and obstacles they face pull them together or push them apart forever?

*DISCLAIMER* I do not own in any way Criminal Minds, all credits of the pre-established characters, script, and storyline belong to Jeff Davis and CBS Network. The only thing I own is Arden Rossi, any upcoming characters, and her storyline, as well as her effects in the others' story line.

Chapter: 1/?

Chapter Description: (Y/N) remebers her first day in the job and recounts all the cases and events that led to the downfall of George Foyet.

A/N: I decided to say fuck the anxiety of posting and put up my Aaron fanfiction. It’s been gathering dust in my documents folder and I love writing too much to keep it to myself. I’m not sure how many chapters this will have but there’s already 8 chapters all finished up. Soon I’ll be posting ff of all the fanfictions I enjoy also! If you enjoy my writing I’ll also be posting them in AO3 and Wattpad along with other stories (I also hope to start taking requests if ya’ll want) Hope you enjoy and all constructive criticism is encouraged.

Next->

Chapter 1

“Good morning, BAU!” I said as I walked through the doors of the elevator and entered the bullpen. I could still remember how it felt the first time I got here.

I walked out of the elevator and made my way to the first office on the left. I was to meet

SSA Aaron Hotchner for an interview to join the BAU. My hands were shaking, and my body was getting warmer by the second. But I remembered my father’s encouraging words. “You’re gonna do great, mia bella.”

Not only was I extremely young, but I also had a lot to live up to. Being the daughter of SSA David Stephen Rossi was no easy task. He was an amazing agent, mentor, and father. He always pushed me to be the best at everything I did. When I started high school, I decided to get a head start on my college studies and applied to dual enrollment. When I graduated I did so with a Bachelor’s in Computer Science. Then, I worked my way to a Master’s in Psychology and Social Work, and a Doctorate in Criminal Justice. At the same time, my father trained me as a profiler. All my life I knew I wanted to be in the FBI, just like him. I was always impressed at all he did and wanted to be just like my hero. The day I told him I had been recruited by the FBI and was set to work in the BAU he said it had been the greatest day of his life.

Now my shaking hand raised to softly knock on the door before me.

“Come in,” someone said from inside. The door softly creaked as I opened and was met by a tall man with dark hair and a shorter blonde woman. “Agent Rossi, welcome.”

“Thank you, it’s an honor to be here.” I smiled and shook Aaron Hotchner’s and Erin Strauss’ hands.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Agent Rossi,” Erin smiled. “Have to say, you have a very impressive curriculum and your disinvolvement in our past interviews and tests have been outstanding.”

I smiled and turned the bracelet on my wrist for comfort.

“I must concur with Chief Strauss,” said Hotch. “I believe you will be a great addition to the BAU team.”

After sharing a few pleasantries and being handed my badge and gun, I was following Hotch to the briefing room to meet the rest of the team. Formally, at least. I had heard everything about them when I spoke with my father. He left no detail out.

“Morning, everyone,” Hotchner started. “I called you all in early today so you could meet the newest addition to the team. This is Agent (y/n) Rossi.”

To the sound of my name most of the mouths in the room dropped.

“Rossi, as in David Rossi?” The slender, messy haired agent said. I could only assume that was Spencer Reid. As my father had described him, a curly mess dressed in vests.

I nodded.

“Rossi, you didn’t tell us you had such a beautiful daughter.” That would be Derek Morgan. The hottie Casanova with a silver tongue.

“I hadn’t?” My father questioned and smirked, knowing full well the answer.

“Well, he’s talked a lot about all of you,” I smiled.

“All good things I hope,” Emily smiled.

“Great things,” I returned the smile. “I could probably make out who is who by the things he’s told me.”

“Go ahead,” Aaron challenged.

“Alright,” I cleared my throat and started going around the table. “Curly hair, vests, analyzing everything I’ve done and said since I walked in… you’re Spencer Reid.”

He smiled brightly.

“Tall, dark, handsome, and a silver tongue. Plus, you checked me out as soon as the doors of the elevator opened… Derek Morgan.”

He smirked.

“Calm, cool, and collected. Quiet but present, inspecting my presence here… you’re Emily Prentiss.”

“She’s good,” Emily muttered to Morgan beside her. I continued.

“And last but not least, bright colors, fun accessories,” I said looking at Garcia. “Even though you’re smiling, you’re not sure about me yet because you don’t like change and are probably going to dig up everything you can on me as soon as you can… Penelope Garcia.”

She stiffened and Derek chuckled.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I do not like change that much either. And here,” I reached my hand into my bag to pull out a rather thick folder. “I’ll save you the work. Background check, complete internet history, social medias, and all the whatnots you would need to build a very extensive profile.”

“Oh, thank you,” she reached out her hand and grabbed the folder, smiling at the floor.

“And well, I already know Agent Hotchner and my father, so they don’t need much of an introduction.”

“No, but you do,” my father said joining my side. “Tell them a bit about yourself.”

“Well, I have a bachelor, two masters, and a doctorate degree: I’m 23, I’m Rossi’s daughter…” In the middle of my thought process dad cut in.

“She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, and she’s the one I call when I’m stuck on a case.” I smiled.

“She also passed every test with flying colors,” Aaron added. “And her profiling skills are exceptional.”

“Thank you,” I blushed. “I think it runs in my blood.”

“Well, welcome to the team,” Aaron continued. “Let’s get to work.”

That was almost three years ago. A couple of days after, I met JJ who had visited with her newborn son Henry.

In very little time I had grown attached to this family. I was most of the time partnered with Spence and we developed an amazing bond. It did help that I loved playing chess and we could have highly erudite talks. Also, I very much enjoyed his over sharing of facts. But really, I was close to them all. On my spare time I was found watching movies with Derek and Penny, perusing book shops with Reid, having girl nights with JJ, Penny, and Emily, or sipping on top grade scotch while finishing paperwork with Hotch.

Spending time with Hotch was my favorite pastime of all.

I realized I had developed feelings for him the day he was captured by Foyet and left at the hospital. Receiving the call from Emily that she had found blood at his apartment literally knocked the air out of my lungs. Reid could tell that my reaction would not have been the same where it had been any of the other members. For some time, he had deduced my attraction to our unit chief. Once we had captured Patrick Meyers and Reid had been sent off to a hospital, we sped off to St. Sebastian Hospital. I could feel my heartbeat going faster and faster as I felt time slipping by. More than once I had asked Morgan to go faster and with sorry eyes, he told me he was going as fast as he could.

Seeing Hotch on a hospital bed, greatly hurt, broke me. I knew everyone on the team, just like Reid, had figured it out. I was the first one in when the doctor announced he was waking up. His eyes fluttered open as JJ, the last one to enter, made it in.

“Where am I?” He groggily asked.

“In the hospital,” dad answered.

My eyes could not leave his face, even as all I wanted was to imagine him in a different state. Derek told him how he made it to the hospital and Emily asked Hotch what had happened. Closing his eyes, Hotch explained step by step how everything had gone down. Upon more investigation, we quickly figured what Foyet had taken and, a page from his planner that held his ex-wife’s and son’s current address and a picture of them, respectively.

Once we had that information, the team knew exactly what to do. Emily and I volunteered to stay behind and update the team if anything changed. As soon as he went to sleep, we let out a locked breath. But the relief was short lived as his pulse started to get exceedingly fast.

“What happened?” The doctor asked.

“I don’t know,” I croakily muttered out. Emily put a hand on my back as I softly touched his arm.

“Agent Hotchner. Can you hear me?” The doctor called out. “Agent Hotchner?”

He finally opened his eyes and responded. “I’m okay.”

The doctor asked us out of the room as she checked on him and Emily helped stabilize my walk as we made it out. I saw the doctor and a nurse check him as I picked the skin of the thumb of my right hand. Emily noticed and grabbed it, knowing well of my nervous ticks. The other being closing my fist hard enough to dig my nails in it.

“He’ll be okay,” she smiled. “You know he’s a fighter.”

I softly smiled at her, not knowing if she said it for me or for her to believe it too.

Once we knew Haley and Jack were safe the three of us let out a relieved sigh. Hotch squeezed the hand I had been holding as he slept, needing the reassurance of a trusted presence next to him. He asked Emily about the scene at his apartment, but she could not give him definite answers. In a moment of silence, she excused herself to go buy coffee and I took this chance to ask him what had been going through my head.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened?” I asked worry evident in my eyes.

Sighing, he responded. “I don’t know. After he stabbed me the first time, it all goes blank.”

He looked straight into my eyes and I could tell he knew more than he let on, but now was not the time to push him. He had been drained: physically, emotionally, and mentally. In that moment, Haley walked in and I let go of his hand to leave them to talk. From outside of the room, I could hear the heartbreaking moment and knowing he was in pain shattered my heart. That day had absolutely devastated us as a team, but it only made us more determined to find Foyet and end him.

But life and work went on. The whole month he was off, I spent most of my free time helping in his recovery and his healing, using the little training I had in wound treatment. The other part of my time I spent with Reid, who was also in recovery. A far less pressing injury, but an injury, nonetheless. And he was my best friend, so I could not completely abandon him.

We were all worried about him coming back to the team with Foyet still out there, but dad reassured us he would only be more motivated. Yet the first case back, he was different. He was usually professional and understanding, now it seemed that no matter how well we worked, we would make a mistake. And when we finally tracked down the unsub and he made his way inside the house, no vest, and no gun, I knew there was something different in him. I tried to follow him inside, but dad stopped me.

“We have to trust him,” he told me. Even with those words we were all unsure of the outcome. My head was working 1,000 miles a minute coming up with different ways this could all end up in, and when I heard the gunshots, my mind only went to the darkest end. Quickly we stormed in the house and saw Hotch putting handcuffs on Darrin, and a very dead Jarvis on a recliner.

My father spent most of his time with me reassuring me that Hotch was still the same man he had been a month before. And I spent most of my time with Hotch reassuring him that he was not alone.

At the end of most cases Emily, dad, and I sat with Hotch in his office to drink a cup of scotch and unwind after a stressful day. I stayed nights overtime often and was there on the night that Strauss had landed a surprise visit to his office. The next day he became hyper focused on Derek’s work, which later he revealed to me the reason why. The bureau was questioning his leadership and he meant to step down as unit chief at the end of that week. This ended with Derek becoming active unit chief whilst Hotch was being investigated.

The days that followed were quite strange. We were used to taking orders from Hotch and now taking orders from Morgan was completely different. But business went on as usual. We worked on cases just as hard and solved them just as efficiently. With one case always hanging on us like a dark cloud. George Foyet. With every case we finished we knew he was still out there, which meant that Hotch was still hurting and hunting.

But the dreaded day had caught up to us. With the last case we had been on in Hampton we knew Foyet had found Hotch. He was taunting Hotch, dangling his life in front of him. Once he had sent us that calling card, we pressed harder on our investigation, pulling at whatever string we could find.

Thankfully, JJ pulled our medication string harder when she found out about the ability to substitute prescriptions with over-the-counter meds. We worked tirelessly and strongly to shorten the investigation part of this case. We needed to catch him, fast.

“Wait a minute, guys. Foyet likes things that have meaning to him,” I said looking at the map presented in front of us. I could see that Reid knew where I was going.

“The eye of providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led back to him,” Spence added, and I nodded.

“Maybe he’s doing the same with his name,” I said as Reid wrote down George Foyet on the board.

“Like an anagram or something,” Emily chimed. Quickly, Reid got to work on the theory crossing out and circling letters. Adding ‘The Reaper’ onto the board and utilizing it, once Hotch had pointed out Foyet gave himself that name. He kept up this process until the name Peter Rhea came to existence.

Garcia tracked down the name and quickly found an address in Arlington. We had found him, but it was just too easy.

We were waiting outside of the apartment building for too long, waiting for something, anything. Once Morgan had given his orders, the plan was set in motion. Still, something in the back of my mind kept telling me it was too easy. We stormed the empty apartment and searched for anything that would help us find his actual location. His computer was quickly deleting files, but Garcia was better. Haley’s protection unit was in trouble.

As soon as it clicked, we were on our way to the stash house. Inside the house Marshal Sam Kassmeyer was hurt, losing blood quickly. With the little he was able to tell us we knew that Haley and Jack were in danger. Sam had not told Foyet anything, but George was smart, unfortunately. He had disguised himself as a Marshal and lied to Haley to get her where he needed her. Only him had communication with her. Everyone was on edge wanting nothing more than to find this man.

In the office we heard Hotch’s conversation with Foyet. He was working hard to buy some time for us to find him but knowing George he already had a plan set in motion. He had eyes on the pair, he was with them. I could only imagine what Hotch was going through.

“Alright, Foyet has to be in control,” Derek said, breaking me out of my thoughts. “He had Haley come to him.”

“Yeah, but where would he take her?” Spencer asked. We all started thinking and speculating. There was something in the call that told Hotch where to go. That was the key.

“Reid, what did he say, exactly?” I emphasized on the last word.

“Haley’s hair looks good dark. She’s lost some weight. It must be because of all the stress you caused her. Where’s the little man? Oh, there he is now. Do you think he likes Captain America because of you? That’s your wife on the other line. Hold, please. Hi. Open the gate and I’ll drive in.” Spencer recited in a monotone voice.

“Open the gate?” My father questioned.

“It would be someplace with the biggest emotional impact for Hotch,” I said looking down to organize my thoughts.

“And Haley has access to the gate,” Derek added, and it clicked.

“Their house,” I said. “Where they lived together.”

“Of course,” Emily said. “Foyet planned this all the way to the end. It’s everything to him.”

“He wants to take over Hotch’s house, to be in control, to prove his dominance,” I finished. We knew where he was going, and I was sure Hotch knew too and was already on his way.

On the way, Hotch got a call from Foyet’s phone. It was Hayley. I heard the emotion grabbing him by the throat. We could hear the whole conversation and my heart broke when he asked Hayley the magic words.

“Tell Jack that I need him working on the case,” Hotch breathed out. One drunken night he had told me about how he had found Jack inside a storage bench in his office after he had knocked on it. The smiling kid had told his father that he was working the case with Hotch. Hotch knew what was going to happen and so did I. This was the best chance Jack had at survival.

When Hotch told Jack to hug his mom and he said I love you, I let out a loud sob and Emily grabbed my hand tightly for support. But I was not the one that need the care. Hotch did. Haley’s words would forever be engraved in my head, and in the heads of our friends.

Three gunshots rang through the line right before it cut. Then I could not hold back the tears. I knew. I just knew.

Hotch was the first one on the scene and all I thought of was that he did not have a vest or any backup, so god knows what could have happened. For the second time in a matter of months all I could ask for was that Morgan drove faster.

At the house, Morgan was the first one in and the scene that unfolded in front of us was heartbreaking. Hotch was hitting Foyet over and over, and Derek had to hold him back. He was dead. I surveyed the scene and instinctively went to Hotch’s office, Hotch following close behind. Jack had to be there. I let Hotch walk past me and watched as relief overtook him when he lifted the lid.

“I work the case, daddy,” Jack said. Unbeknownst to everything that had happened. “Just like you said.”

“You did a great job buddy,” Hotch lifted his son out of the bench.

“What happened to you, daddy?”

“I’m okay. I want you to go outside with Ms. Jareau. Ok?” The child walked to JJ and she took him out in her arms.

And Hotch let go. He silently cried and I helped him make his way to where Haley laid. I stood by the door and turned away a police officer. Morgan stood up and squeezed my shoulder as he left the room behind the officer. I stayed outside of the doorframe, listening to the sobs of a strong man.

Next->

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lucyintheskywithxanax · 3 years ago

Text

Wilhemina Came To A Halt

Requested by anon: “Wilhemina confesses her love to reader on New Years but the fireworks are too loud”

A/N: thank you anon, I really loved writing this fic <3 Shoutout to @mckennamayfairgoode ; your writing has contaminated mine, there is SO much burning in this one x

Word count: ≃ 5 200

When Wilhemina pressed the doorbell, her heart was beating faster than it had ever beaten in her whole life. Her palms were embarrassingly clammy and left glistening shapes on the head of her cane.

A few weeks ago, this state would have terrified and revolted her. Now she accepted it as her new normal whenever she was about to see you.

The truth was, she – the door opened and there you were, flashing the most beautiful, warmest of smiles at her that annihilated all the thoughts in Wilhemina’s brain. She felt incredibly small and incredibly tall at the same time, as if she could melt at your feet and touch the stars.

A few weeks ago, Wilhemina would have been incredibly embarrassed to think that she was the kind of person who could smile giddily at another person for an incredibly long time, and later remember it as one of the best moments of her life. The knowledge was only slightly unpleasant now. It was made easier by the fact that you always, always did the same. Just stood there before her with a smile shedding light on her and your gaze lost deep in her gaze as her heart thrummed in her ears and her fingertips tingled.

Moments like this were too short and lasted forever. She cherished every one of them, collected them selfishly. For the truth was, she was head over heels in love with you.

The revelation had come to her all of a sudden, bursting free after months of denial. She had no idea what to do with it. She carried the love in her, a burden, stifling her and scratching her and painting the world in hundreds of bright colors. She saw beauty in things she had always despised or found ugly. Once, you had exclaimed at the elegance of a flying butterfly – she had fallen in love with butterflies.

Paradoxically, every other human being she found even more pathetic and idiotic than before, since she knew now that they didn’t have the brains to see how beautiful, how charming, and how kind you were. How could they set eyes on you and not lose their heart? There was only one explanation: they were morons. Hopeless idiots. How empty their life was, how empty hers had been. She despised every single one of them who did not fall at your feet or build a shrine to you.

From Monday to Friday she would wake up with an eagerness to see everything that you would touch, to hear everything that you would say to her at work. She would do her hair and apply her makeup with a beating heart that almost made her forget the ache in her back. Painting her face had acquired a new meaning: she no longer only did it to hide the loathsome but also to please, to enchant, in the hope that maybe you would find a glimpse of the beauty you sowed every day of your life. Surely if your fingertips touched her cheek, her skin would light up and shine, and even the world, taking one look at her, would blush.

The weekends had to pass as quickly as possible. And then they no longer had to, for you started inviting her to your place, on picnics, to the pictures. Talking to you was easy, listening was a blessing. She found that when she was with you, secrets slipped from her mouth and your hands never hurt, but cradled instead.

So here was the truth. Wilhemina was in love. Deeply, infuriatingly. With all the passion that had lay dormant within her. The tiny part of her that had always held on to hope had known that the day she would fall, there would be no restraint: she would love with all that she had. Her world shook and reshaped itself around you. It chose a new sun, and its light reached dark corners that had never been warmed up before. It threatened to thaw the ice in her head and in her chest. It was dripping already.

Now she treasured the beating of her heart. You had given her life value just by looking at her.

So it was with the weight of her love enlightening her from within that she took off her coat and handed it to you with a small smile. And the people in the room who turned to glance curiously at her as she entered, saw the glow and smiled to themselves, as one does who feels in the air the warmth of the upcoming spring.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” you beamed at her; then added low in her ear: “I don’t know half of the people in this room, and I’m not sure the other half I like.”

A small laugh ran past Wilhemina’s teeth.

Your aunt had given you the keys to her flat for New Year’s Eve, since she was away for work and her windows offered one of the best views on the fireworks show. You had invited a few colleagues and friends from Kineros Robotics, who in their turn had invited a few friends of their own. Before you’d known it, you had lost control over the guest list. But you had shrugged good-naturedly, and merely said that this kind of thing happened all the time.

“Is that the man who tried to sell Jeff and Mutt sexy underwear for the robots?” Wilhemina asked, nodding at a man who sat sipping wine on the couch.

You pressed your mouth against Wilhemina’s shoulder to stifle a giggle. “Yes,” you breathed. “He came with a suitcase.” You straightened up, met her eyes with a flash of mischief in yours. “I’ll ask him to try them on on you.”

Wilhemina waved a hello at Mutt just so she could turn her face away from you as heat flooded her cheeks. She didn’t fool you, though. You bit down on a grin, and wrapped one hand around her wrist as you asked her, as casually as possible, if she wanted a drink.

Wilhemina’s eyes flicked down to your hand, as wide and shining as they always were when you touched her. As your fingertips stroked her skin, her cheeks turned that soft pink that was now and forever your favorite color.

“You are such a tease,” Mutt had once told you, a little reproachfully, after he had passed a very flushed Wilhemina hurrying out of your office. “The poor girl’s gonna die of yearning.”

“No she won’t,” you had answered, a fond, dreamy smile on your lips. “Part of loving her is waiting for her. I bet you she doesn’t even know what’s happening to her.”

Wilhemina tapped her cane on the floor. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it earlier,” she said, eyes avoiding yours.

“That’s alright,” you smiled. “You’re here.” You tilted your head to the side, trying your best to fight your grin as you waited for her to collect herself and meet your gaze again. “Care for a drink?”

Wilhemina followed you across the room, finally taking in her surroundings. There were people sitting on the couch, people on the balcony, people speaking in groups everywhere. Some of them were wearing fancy, glittery clothes; some were drunk; others were dancing to the mellow indie music that tried to make itself heard over the chatter of voices. Cold air wafted through the French windows that led out onto the balcony. Wilhemina’s eyes fell curiously on a group sitting on the floor before she realized they were playing spin-the-bottle. A boy and a girl pulled away from each other with disgusted laughs.

“Shall we?” you teased, with a mock bow.

Wilhemina shook her head urgently, confusion and nervousness written all over her face. She hurried away from the group as fast as she could, and only stopped when she had reached the kitchen.

You fixed her and yourself a drink, then took her on a tour of the flat. The place was quite small, and very crowded, which gave you an excellent excuse to stand as close to Wilhemina as possible, and brush her arm or shoulder with yours whenever you could. Once, as your fingers grazed her hip, Wilhemina almost tripped over her own feet, and you had to cough to try and hide the smug giggle that escaped you.

Wilhemina delighted in the art reproductions you pointed at, the yellowing plants you bent over quizzically, the carpets your feet threaded, the battered old book you picked up from the floor. Even the handle of the bathroom door your fingers closed around looked to her like the most beautiful handle she had ever seen. She skimmed her fingers over it when you were not looking. Part of her was growling that she was being so very ridiculous, but the voice was very weak, drowning in the sea of joy and giddiness that was her mind.

You took her hand as you led her outside onto the balcony. Wilhemina shivered, so you draped a blanket over her shoulders, which she accepted, even though she hadn’t shivered from the cold.

“Look at the view,” you smiled dreamily, leaning against the railing. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Yes,” Wilhemina breathed, looking at you.

Perhaps, she thought, if she shivered again despite the blanket, you would press her close against you for warmth.

She chased the thought away. But it came back, singing and drunk.

She rubbed her arm exaggeratedly.

“Are you cold?” you asked, straightening up.

“A little,” she answered harshly.

“Then let’s go back inside. I don’t want you to catch a chill.”

“I’m fine”, she retorted, still as harshly.

You eyed her confusedly for a second or two.

Wilhemina rubbed her arm again.

A small, amused smile danced on your lips.

“Lucky for you,” you said, closing the space between her and you, “I’ve been told I’m a very good human heater.”

You wrapped your arms around her waist and pressed your front against her back, your chin coming to rest on her shoulder. Wilhemina was very, very stiff against you. But then, slowly, her body relaxed, as if melting in the warmth that oozed out of you and seeped through her clothes

You stayed like this, watching the city lights. Faint echoes of techno music drafted from somewhere on your right. You heard voices, a car honking. You couldn’t tell whether the quick heartbeat you could feel thrumming in your chest was Wilhemina’s or yours.

When you glanced up at her, her eyes were closed. She looked so different from the Wilhemina you had met so many months ago. There had been talks at work, that certainly Mutt and Jeff were paying her or fucking her to be kinder. Once, she had walked in on you pressing ice on your swollen cheek after you had thrown yourself at a big, tall man who had been making dirty jokes about her. Her fingers had skimmed your skin worriedly, big dark eyes scanning your face for any sign of pain. You had lied, invented an excuse as to why you had punched someone twice your size and weight. But God - no one would slander her on your watch.

You rubbed your chin on her shoulder, and stopped yourself at the last second from pressing a kiss on her cheek. Her skin was flushed from the cold and looked so incredibly soft.

“I’m gonna have to go back inside,” you grumbled. “I’m supposed to be the host.”

Wilhemina hummed her disapproval, eyes still closed.

“Will you manage without me?” you chuckled.

God, if you could just – nuzzle her cheek. If there could be no consequences. No risk of her stiffening, closing up, snapping at you, running away. If you could just – press a kiss.

You watched as her eyes fluttered open, and scanned the jeweled darkness in front of her.

“Of course,” she scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

You gave her a gentle squeeze before you slowly peeled yourself off her. The process was almost physically painful, as if she were a part of you now, a new layer of skin. Your heart protested.

You weaved your way back inside to greet a few people who had just arrived. Wilhemina followed you and planted herself in a corner near the front door. She pretended to scan the small crowd, but her eyes regularly sought your face. Mutt and Jeff came up to her to share a few words and then disappeared into the kitchen. The rest of the guests, most of them Kineros Robotics employees, stayed away from her.

You crossed the living room carrying a bouquet of roses and smiled at her. A few minutes later, as you stepped back into the room talking on your phone, you looked her way and waved. Wilhemina moved to another corner when hers got invaded by two tipsy girls. Next time you appeared, you scanned the room questioningly, and your expression only relaxed when you found her again.

Wilhemina had never before in her life been someone else’s first priority. The idea that she was now, made her feel weird things she couldn’t quite comprehend. As if she were floating, or made of golden light as that of a summer evening. She could have burst into tears or bounced on her feet. Instead she returned your smile, and averted her eyes shyly.

Dear Lord, Wilhemina Venable didn’t get shy. What was wrong with her? She was being ridiculous and pathetic, and what’s worse, she was putting herself in danger. There were people in this room. People with eyes to see the soft pink of her cheeks and the nervous shaking of her hands. She should walk up to you, proud and threatening, tap her cane on the floor to scare you and then she should say something mean, something like “I love you” - no! she scolded herself, with a shiver of terror. Something mean! Something that would hurt! And she would say it loudly, she would make it boom and thunder for everyone in the room to hear and remember how strong and ruthless Wilhemina Venable was.

Here, you were waving at her again, with your face illuminated, and you were weaving your way to her through the crowd. Wilhemina tightened her grip on her cane and raised her chin and thought very hard of what she would say as you came closer and closer, you were here! right next to her, so very close she felt the air shaking and dancing in the joy your presence brought. A hand touching her wrist, warmth everywhere, she was melting into a puddle at your feet. You smirked knowingly at her and she felt herself blush, heart beating madly as you repeated what she had been too entranced to hear the first time: “Mina, I wanted to introduce you to my friend Anne.”

Mina! Her heart burst.

A breathless “Yes” was all she could manage to say.

God, she was pathetic. As more heat flooded her cheeks, as she noticed the amused, knowing expression on Anne’s face, something else rose in her. Something cold. Something all too familiar, that slid up her veins winding like a snake to beat up her heart. It left it bruised and crying.

Wilhemina raised her head and tried to swallow back the self-hatred. Like waves when the tide is coming in, it reached further.

You saw the change on her face and in her posture. You frowned, faltered a little under the sudden hardness in her eyes. As Anne characteristically started to ramble, you stubbornly held Wilhemina’s scowling gaze, and you wondered, as you had dozens of times before, how you could protect her from the blows when the blows were dealt by herself. How to cut open her chest and carefully remove the self-hatred. Put it in a box, throw away the key. And the sadness and the fear. Remove those, too.

Someone called for you, so you excused yourself and left Anne and Wilhemina together. The former set curious eyes on the latter and asked her questions in a cheerful, chiming voice. From behind her shields, Wilhemina spat out answers that soon weakened Anne’s enthusiasm. Anne refused to give up so soon, though. You had told her so much about Wilhemina, spoke of her with such light, such bright happiness in your voice and eyes that a few incivilities weren’t enough to send her away.

And Anne – Anne had been touched by you. She had been made sublime. Try as she might, Wilhemina couldn’t find ugliness in her features or clumsiness in her gestures. And Anne spoke of you with such kindness, in such high terms – when you came back, she let out a happy squeal and took your hand in hers.

Utter, complete idiot, Wilhemina tried to convince herself. Except Anne wasn’t an idiot. She too was aware of your supremacy. Wilhemina could see it, the way her eyes shone with admiration, the way she touched your arm and laughed too loudly at something you said.

Anne sat between Wilhemina and you on the couch as you people-watched and exchanged jokes and sipped your drinks. As minutes ticked by, Wilhemina felt herself slip into silence. Anne’s body next to hers was sending forth burning mockery that made her want to shrink back and curl in on herself. She sat with her back ramrod straight and her eyes glazed, fingers nervously playing with her empty glass, as thoughts she tried to silence nagged and mocked in her ears.

At one point, Anne stretched her body, arms curling up towards the ceiling and back arching elegantly, and Wilhemina had to look away to stop herself from throwing insults at her or bursting into tears – she didn’t know which would be more likely.

At 11:55, people started to sing excitedly. A young man grabbed Anne by the arm and led her into the kitchen. You stood up, and offered your hand to Wilhemina.

She hesitated one second, out of pride, before she slid her palm against yours. You laced your fingers with hers.

Those who were brave enough to stand in the cold had clustered on the balcony. You playful pushed a man to the side to request a place at the railing. The available space was small, so Wilhemina’s side was pressed against yours.

The city spread out below her was vibrating with happy expectation. She heard laughter, she heard joyful cries, she heard music. The cold breeze blew on her cheeks but the cold didn’t harm her. She was made of fire when your body was touching hers like that.

The streetlights went off, and an excited shiver ran through the city. You leaned in against the railing. Wilhemina turned her head to look at you.

She watched, mesmerized, the fireworks in your eyes.

Your lips parted in silent admiration at the lights, and Wilhemina wondered whether anyone had ever looked as beautiful as you did in this moment. She doubted it. Jealously and selfishly she leaned closer to you to keep this secret treasure hidden from the rest of the world. You glanced at her, and your gaze lingered admiringly on her face before you shook yourself and focused your attention back on the fireworks show.

When blue blended with red Wilhemina’s breath hitched, and something in her swelled like a wave. It was the genuine happiness on your face, the firmness of your body against hers; one more blue, one more red.

As the next fuse whizzed up the sky, Wilhemina breathed out, “I love you.”

Paw paw paw, mocked the lights. The noise swallowed her whisper.

“Y/N!” cried Anne, appearing out of nowhere with her eyes shining and her steps bouncing, “Y/N! New Year’s kiss!”

Wilhemina took a step away as Anne cupped your face and pressed a kiss on your lips which you, with a giggle, returned.

Red. Just red, this time.

Wilhemina watched the fireworks as they whizzed and exploded, her eyes glazed and her heart ice. She decided her heart was ice and she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Just a prickle - but as you broke the kiss, and Anne, with beauty, laughed, and captured your lips with hers again, the prickle became a blow that broke the ice.

A flower of gold bloomed in the sky and immediately died. Wilhemina looked at the golden dust as it floated downwards.

Something settled in her chest, something new that must have been lurking beneath the ice. It ached. Her fingers started to shake.

It was the finale, she hoped, looking at the fireworks, it couldn’t get worse. There were pink and green and yellow and gold. There were bruises in the sky, and smoke for the lights to choke on.

Like an automaton, Wilhemina turned and walked away from the balcony. She let her brain take over since her heart was dying and making her fingers shake.

In the living-room were people with their faces pressed against the windows, people kissing in corners and on the couch, one woman crying. No one noticed her as she walked past. No one saw her, except a little boy who curiously glanced her way, and immediately lowered his eyes with an awkward, nervous expression, to resume playing with his toy.

Wilhemina had almost reached the front door when her right ankle hit the corner of a coffee table. Pain shot up her leg, making her hiss. She made to bend down and press her palm against where it hurt, realized her eyes were filled with tears, vision swimming, objects and colors blending. Her grip on her cane was shaky and weak. She would sit down just for a second, she thought – Hell no, she scolded. She would push on, put on her coat, reach the door, open the door, and Lord in Heaven if she so much as showed the slightest limp she would, growled the hatred in her chest, the hatred biting everywhere, she would walk for miles in the dark till the pain in her back felt like agony, like molten metal pressed to her skin from within. Shoulders up, chin up, back straight. She forced herself to focus on the pain throbbing in her ankle. Her palm pressed against her chest.

Just as she was about to move again, a hand fell on her shoulder.

“Where are you going, Mina?” you sang in her ear. Your breath tickled her skin and made her shiver. “You missed the last part of the show.”

Your hand gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. She could feel your touch, burning her through her clothes, spreading warmth from her shoulder to her toes. It set everything inside of her on fire, brought everything back to life and made her feel – she didn’t want to ache.

And yet – how addicting a feeling. She had never felt so alive, body and soul so violently vibrating with life and want.

“Is everything alright?”

You had walked around her to plant yourself between her and the door, scanning her face with a frown of worry deepening between your eyebrows.

From the living-room behind her rose voices. They broke into a song. Applause, laughter. Your eyes stayed on her.

“Do you want to leave?” you asked. Nervously you shifted your weight on your feet. There was guilt flickering in your eyes. “I can give you a lift, if you want.”

“I drove here,” Wilhemina heard herself say.

Your eyes flicked to her lips, before meeting her gaze again.

“I know,” you said with an awkward chuckle. “But if you’re too tired to drive, you know, or just would rather I drove you, I could – what I mean to say is, I really don’t mind. Or you could stay here,” you added quickly, eyes shining at the thought – it was just the light, Wilhemina told herself. Just the light. “There’s a spare room with clean sheets. If you’re too tired to drive.”

From far away, a firecracker exploded. Someone in the living room screamed excitedly.

“Did you like the show?” you asked.

“I don’t care about fireworks,” Wilhemina answered. She had meant to speak coldly, but the ice in her had melted under your touch and she was made of heat.

“You don’t? Is that why you didn’t stay to watch the end?”

More firecrackers. The sound reminded her of her defeat. More bruises in the sky, more green.

“I didn’t want to bother you and your… girl,” she heard herself say. Her throat closed up behind the words, as if in protest, refusing to let any more words out ever again if it was going to hurt like that.

“Oh,” you laughed, waving a hand to dispel the thought, “she’s not my girl. We’re both single and you know, a New Year’s kiss is always nice.” Your eyes smiled – but it was a sad smile. “And you know how it is. You rarely get to kiss the person you really want to kiss.”

You laughed, nervously, ran one hand through your hair. Your other hand was still on her shoulder, holding her as if you were afraid she would disappear. Your eyes fell to the floor as a blush bloomed in your cheeks – and then, you looked up again, and watched her with a new, curious expression Wilhemina had never seen before.

“Did you get your New Year’s kiss?” you asked.

Bold. There was boldness in your voice that scared her.

Wilhemina pressed the head of her cane to her stomach protectively, and tilted her chin up to look taller and stronger. She veiled her eyes, shielded her heart, built up her walls – to no avail.

Your face broke into a soft, sweet smile that was so loving, so incredibly fond, it reached the last dark corner in her.

“Oh, sweetness,” you breathed.

Sweetness! Before she could register what was happening, you had leaned in and pressed your lips against hers. And the world shattered.

She didn’t feel the kiss with her lips, but with her whole body, every inch of her tingling and melting and igniting all at the same time. The sweetness and the softness coursed through her and made her forget she had ever been cold, ever been hurt and hated. You rubbed your lips against hers, chaste and warm and dry. She couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All she could do was feel.

When you pulled away, there was something cheeky and victorious shining in your eyes. A laugh ran under your nose as you saw the completely stunned expression on Wilhemina’s face.

“Breathe,” you smiled, stroking your thumb over her lower lip.

Wilhemina closed her mouth and inhaled shakily through her nose. She couldn’t understand what had just happened. She tried to process it, but it didn’t make sense. She had turned away, walked away, and you had run after her, touched her shoulder, called her sweetness – you had called her sweetness! – like a balm to her heart, and then the tingles and the fire and the melting…

“Breathe,” you repeated fondly.

“Did you just…?” Wilhemina whispered.

Your smile grew, sewn with warmth and affection. “Yes,” you whispered back, cupping her face in your hands and holding her gaze as she searched your eyes to try and make sense of it all.

Joy sparkled in the black of Wilhemina’s eyes when her mind finally caught on.

“Could you…” Her voice trailed off.

“Yes?” you breathed expectantly.

“…do it again,” Wilhemina breathed back.

You didn’t waste a second. Your mouth met hers again, bolder this time, desperate to taste and to love. A soft moan pushed up Wilhemina’s throat and wrapped around your tongue. She dropped her cane to clutch your collar, lost her balance. You wrapped one arm around her waist and pressed her against you for support.

“Someone’s quite eager,” you giggled against her lips.

She only whined and kissed you again.

And just as you were quite sure you would lose your head, just like you had lost your heart, her body tensed and her hands pressed on your shoulders to push you away.

You refused to let go of her waist, afraid she would fall without support and way too addicted to the feel of her already. Part of you had to be touching her, now and always and forever.

You met her eyes.

For a few moments Wilhemina only stared at you. And then to your utter dismay, her gaze hardened and her face closed up.

You searched her eyes worriedly, but it was like trying to see the ripples of the waves on the ocean’s surface at night under an overcast sky.

“Did it make you feel better about yourself?” Wilhemina spat – voice so cold, so very cold when she had been so warm pressed against you just a second ago.

“Excuse me?”

“Kissing the girl no one wants to kiss. How so very kind and heroic of you.”

She swallowed, blinked; a glimpse at the moon through a hole in the clouds.

“I do not want nor need your pity,” she snapped.

Your thumb started stroking her hip, to ground her, to call her back to you.

“I did not kiss you out of pity,” you said softly, with a reassuring smile. Wilhemina only glared. “I’m not playing with you, I promise. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for months.”

Wilhemina let out a disbelieving laugh. “Then why haven’t you?”

You leaned closer to her, and smiled again when you heard her breath hitch.

“Because you would have run away,” you whispered. One of your hands came up to cup her jaw and greet the warmth and softness of her again.

And just like that, the wind blew and dispersed all the clouds; and the full moon poured out its light on the ocean. And then you saw.

What you saw wasn’t the peaceful floating of stars on lazy waves. There was no white foam grazing sand with a gentle, sleepy sigh. What unfolded instead was a scene of terror. Half-drowned sailors clutching pieces of wood, corpses sinking, screams under the indifferent eye of the moon. And you on the shore, shivering, watching mesmerized and terrified the bodies thrown this way and that, the arms flailing and reaching out towards the sky.

You swallowed past the lump in your throat and gave Wilhemina a smile, so sweet, so tender – just for her? She felt herself tremble.

“You would have freaked out and pushed me away, wouldn’t you? A little like you’re doing right now.” Another smile, so full of adoration it pulverized every single one of her remaining defenses. “Except now,” you went on, voice getting lower to share a secret, “now you know what you want. Don’t you, sweetness?”

Yes, whispered Wilhemina’s heart. Instinctively she pushed the thought away, questioned it. Yes, her heart insisted.

“I love you,” was what she said.

The smile that you gave her lit up the night.

Had the world always been so bright? Had every single thing always been so beautiful? Wilhemina’s heart was bursting with so many emotions and above it all – love. Love was singing inside her. She was shining.

Tag list: @mssallymckenna @supremeinlilac @pluied-ete @rainbow-hedgehog @pearplate @angelxsarahp @paulawand @asktammyr @peggycarter-steverogers @coconutlipss @saucy-sapphic @thesupremewife @paulsonpills @vintagepaulson @billiedeansbottom @lilypadscoven @winslctrg @simpforpaulson @venablesgirl @mckennamayfairgoode

#this is the worst title ever I know #ahs #sarah paulson x reader #wilhemina venable x reader #wilhemina venable #fics #ahs imagines #sarah paulson

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nestasgalpal · 3 years ago

Text

The ball is in his court

Fixing ACOSF Part 8

Masterlist | AO3

Summary: Cassian knows Nesta is supposed to dance with Eris and lure him into a stronger alliance with the Night Court. He knows he's been forbidden from getting close to her during the whole event. He knows she loves to dance. He knows he wants to be the one swinging with her.

A/N: angst because Cassian got very little character development in the book for someone who had that much family drama to deal with. It's not that big of a change as other chapters, but I thought it made sense to add this here with how these three acted in the ball.

Tagging: @gwynriel @zoyaslai @clolikescloquetas @amelievrstr @t8astr8ng @wanderlustlastsforever @saltydreamcollector @lordlorcan @esrahiba @queenestarcheron @jemstan300 @nessiantrashh @azrielsgirl @poisonus-bloom @loveadora @frosted-crackers @mireillemystique @pataytayo @968sunflower968 @caram267 @jainadurron @darkshadowqueensrule @amphiptree @finae-bookshelf @niytavia @brainlessfruit @dontgetsalmonella @messyhairday-me @sunsummoner @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @wannawriteyouabook @psychoticminx @misswonderflower @drielecarla @silvernesta @k0ombayamylord @nina-zcnik @arinbelle

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list in the upcoming chapters!!

Cassian stood firmly on his feet as he made Mor spin once again. The House was playing music for them, and in some strange way, he felt it getting annoyed at how many times he had demanded to go- "Again". The waltz had just finished, and he was already positioning himself to start all over.

"Cass, you already know the moves, you've been dancing these for centuries" she laughed it off "I honestly don't think you need any more practice for tomorrow."

"Again" he insisted.

With a sigh, his friend went back to first position, seven feet away from him. The sound the House played for them was more like a trumpet with a shoe stuck in it than the beautiful harmonies they had been practicing with.

"Please, I want to make sure I get it right before we leave for the ball" Cassian gave her his best pout face, which made Mor roll her eyes.

"You are not going to dance with her, Cass. You got clear instructions from Rhys about that. I don't even know why I'm helping you with this, we both heard you are not allowed near her." The House probably felt like Mor was doing a good enough job at remprimanding him for his stubbornnes, because the melody of the waltz started playing again, and they moved to the sound of it. "Gods, you two are already making this way harder than it needs to be with your non-stop fucking" Cassian laughed, but Mor was not in the mood for joking, "This is serious. I heard Rhys complain about how long it took to hide your scent on her." With their palms in the air almost touching, they turned and gave two steps back "Behave." she reminded him of what his role was tomorrow night, and how important it was that he didn't ruin Nesta's mission by approaching her at all.

Cassian smiled again. "I'll try my best".

"Cassian" her tone made clear that she was not amused by the idea of what he may do with with all this dance practice.

"I know, I know. I'll be a good General Commander and stand by my High Lord's side the entire night, while she dances with Eris Vanserra" the lightness with which he spoke did very little to hide the feelings behind it. The jealousy.

Mor let him guide the dance, shadows in her eyes. Their imminent visit to Hewn City must be disturbing her, specially knowing both his father and Eris would be there. The stress of the negotiations with Vallahan was wearing her down as well.

"Why do you insist on going after her?" The sudden dryness she spoke with took him by surprise, and so did the question itself. Nesta and whatever the nature of his relationship with her was, wasn't a topic they ever talked about. For the last couple of years, they avoided the subject, pretending it didn't exist. That's why it felt so odd how mad she seemed to be now without any previous warning that the matter was present in her thoughts at all. That it could disturb her so much, was the most unexpected part of it.

It rubbed him the wrong way, but Cassian kept on moving, the smile in his eyes not fading one bit as he looked into hers to answer.

"Jealous that I'm spending my time with her and not you lately?"

The blonde's gaze pierced through him with a cold disdain he hadn't prepared himself for either. "Not at all. Unlike you, I understand what an order is." Ouch. "I don't blame you for following Rhys' command and babysitting her when he asked you to. She's your job, I guess."

"She is not a job"

"Cassian" His friend hardly ever called his full name. This was now the second time in a matter of minutes.

The conversation was taking a turn he didn't like as a sense of danger that made him on guard sat between them. But it was his best friend talking, his sister, so he ignored his instincts and kept moving to the rhythm. He tried to be graceful and move with precision, imagining it was Nesta's pale hand in his.

"I'm serious. You really need to come back from this recess sooner or later. Better if you choose the former, considering you have a job to do, a role to play as the rest of us do. Her included." The dance required him to spin her twice, an artificial pause in her speech as she twirled on his arms "I'm sure it was fun, but Feyre already revoked the order, so it's time you move on and take things seriously again. You have no idea how bad the treaty with Vallahan is going. We must prepare for the worse, have the armies ready".

"You think being here with her is some kind of vacation?"

The flow of her practiced movements didn't disappear for a second as she dissed Nesta, which was unsettling. Apparently, it came natural to her and putting these thoughts into words required no effort. For how long had Mor been thinking this way about his stay in the House of Wind?

"You sure smell like you are having a good time". Mor gave a step forward to the beat of the orchestra. Cassian didn't follow her movement, their bodies colliding.

It was now making him truly angry. Not just her usual dismiss of Nesta, which he had grown accustomed to, but the little care she was showing for him. He hadn't been working less on Illyria for the past months, his duty with Nesta being piled up on top of his previous responsibilities, and in addition to his new assignments as courtier to cover up her absence. He was working his ass off.

Countless, sleepless nights trying to come up with new ideas to help Nesta weren't something he had told her about, but she certainly knew about the exhaustion they put him through. The fighting, the struggle. Having to finally face how lost she was and stop pretending he had nothing to do with it had been a wake up call. Trying to put the pieces together, a painfully slow process they were still working on. They were achieving it bit by bit... and together, he wanted to think. It had been anything but a vacation.

His biggest regret, however, was printed all over her words, truth slipping through the cracks in the lie he had crafted for himself so long ago. That's why Mor's words hit him like a punch in the guts, because he had actually treated Nesta as a job in the beginning, and Nesta probably had thought the same thing -if she didn't still feel about it like that. A job. Cassian flinched. An order given to him to follow, and not his own decision to sought her and be there for her after the war.

"This is not time off for me, and, again, she is not a job."

Mor wasn't listening, "You need to be honest with yourself, Cass. You need to come to terms with whatever it is your cock feels for that female, and move on."

"You did not just say that" Cassian was speechless.

Knowing what she knows.

Cassian put distance between them and scanned the room looking for a chair, needing to sit down. There was one left alone by the wall where they had pushed it to have more space for their dancing. He sat before he felt his blood drop to his feet, his head uncomfortably light as his sight became dizzy.

Mor hadn't just said that. She would never cross him like that. Denial took over, his trustful self convincing him he just needed a moment to focus. Once he felt better, he would realize her words were only a friend worrying, not an attack on him. She was helping. Mor was always there for him when he needed a friend. She was only trying to give him some advice.

Then why did it hurt so much to hear those twisted truths from her mouth?

"Oh, come on!" she was saying behind him. Mor's words were distant and distorted, as if he were underwater. It took him a moment to understand and process them. "You saw what she became after the war just as clearly as I did. You did nothing about it, just like I did. And we were okay with that, we have our own life, Cass, and she doesn't fit in it. There is another war waiting for us in the corner that threatens to break this moment of happness we've built. For our future, you need to come back to be who you are, the Cassian I know. I miss him."

Once again, the plain truth. He had drifted away like everyone else. They had all decided that space was what she needed, and when that didn't work, it was once again them deciding what to do with the pieces that were left. He had agreed to every plan, convincing himself they knew what they were doing and they knew her better than she did. That they had any right to pick a path for her, the biggest lie of them all.

And now Mor's words were shattering the wall of self-inflicted fabrications he had slowly built while Nesta faded away from his reach. He took in his friend's words, their meaning. What she thought, and some of his friends -family- shared.

It made his heart skip a bit to realize that Nesta probably saw it like that too to this day. He had already accepted his mistakes to himself, he knew before the blonde said it what he had done wrong. Yet Cassian hadn't thought about how his actions were read from the outside. Nobody had called him out on his bullshit. Nobody had interfered -wasn't that what friends were supposed to do? So there it was, the reason why none of them had ever tried to help him smooth things between them: they didn't want him to. Stupidly and blindly trusting his friends would have the respect for him he had proven to have for them, he assumed they were just as blind as he was. Apparently, they weren't, and they had purposefully left her to rot.

Up until now, Cassian hadn't entertained the thought that she most likely didn't let him in because she also considered his presence there a task for him to handle, even if they had grown to be... friends.

That was it -a dead end for them.

No matter how hard he insisted on being there for Nesta now, he had already failed her too many times, and she simply wouldn't allow him to get closer a second time. Not the way he wanted to, at least.

His pulse was in his ears. Or maybe he was hearing again the dreadful noises the house played for them before.

Oh, Nesta.

Had she agreed to the plan because she didn't really care for him watching? Did Nesta not care because she simply didn't want to be anything else than friends in the end? Did she even trust him enough to call what they had a friendship?

A glass of red wine appeared on the table next to him and was it was in his hand a second later. Cassian swallowed its content in one sip. It was refilled instantly. Realization hit him right then and there, that he might be in time to save her, yet too late for what he wanted from her. And his ass would be the only one to blame for that. His cowardice. And how could he hope for a second chance from someone who didn't grant one to herself?

A movement in his field of vision took him out of his trance. Mor, who was carefully approaching him, gave a jump back when he got up from his chair, letting it fall back. The loud noise scared her too.

Those damned reports. He should have never agreed to that stupid idea. Nor to the plan they had for tomorrow night. Yes, she had agreed to it, but maybe if he had asked her not to... No, she would have still done it, convinced it was the only way she would not be seen as a coward.

Who gives a fuck about how anyone sees her. She certainly didn't use to. And he used to love that about her.

But now she clearly did, and was ready to do anything to change how he and his friends saw her. Even seducing Eris Vanserra right in front of him.

"Why can't you just leave her alone?" he asked, defeated at the thought that Nesta was indeed going to allow him to be by her side, but probably where he was right now was the closer he would ever get to tearing down her walls.

Mor looked back at him, marking the way his arms hung by his sides, the picture of a defeated male. She showed no compassion.

"Because I can't forget what she did to Feyre. I still remember the night she told us her story, what she went through. I see her grow every day and I'm reminded of who broke her in the first place. I can't let that slide like nothing." Cassian opened his mouth to say something, not knowing what exactly. He closed it again as Mor lifted a finger to stop whatever words he would have come up with from escaping his mouth. She was angry, "She let her 14 year old sister go wonder the woods next to the Wall all alone. Feyre was a child, Cassian. A kid who had to risk her life on a daily basis because your lover didn't want splinters in her fingernails."

Cassian sighed, tired of a conversation that kept circling back to the same point over and over again. He knew what Nesta's choices had meant to Feyre, but he had seen her regret as well, and what those same choices had done to her. Cassian had seen and heard the forgiveness coming from Feyre herself, her actions a window to what his High Lady needed: to move on. They had talked about it, his friend had opened up to him and she was obviously determined to have her sister back at any cost. And so was him. He was determined to help his friend and at the same time assist Nesta with whatever it was she needed... once she came to terms with what it was.

He had taken her to the old cabin they used to live in and had stand by her side as she scanned the place, finding only bad memories of the person she used to be. She wanted to move on as well. So if the two people involved wanted the same thing, why did their friends keep getting in the way using a wound that was already healing as an excuse.

"But you can forgive Elain?"

"Elain has at least tried to be one of us, Nesta has done nothing since she arrived but be against us."

Cassian laughed at that, a bitter, joyless laugh. "Elain is trying to be our friend, while Nesta doesn't like us. Is that it?" He chuckled again. "Are you telling me that the only reason you pick on her is that she doesn't want to be your friend and you can't just accept that? I thought it was her actions to Feyre in the past, but yes, this makes way more sense now." This time it was him stopping her from talking back, "I can see a pattern there. Isn't that the same reason you don't trust Lucien no matter how hard he works to help us? That he has his own life beyond us?" The volume of his voice went in crescendo as his anger rose to meet hers, "You can't be seriously expecting me to leave her because of a petty fight that only exists in your head."

"It's not just me, Cass. It's all of us. No one likes her, no one wants her around, and we are not having our days ruined every time she shows up so you can fuck her. You are not like this, you are not selfish like that." The indignation simmering in her brown eyes didn't make her an inch scarier to him, the childish reasons for it almost making him consider the argument over, hadn't him been so heated himself. "I want my friend back. And so does Rhys, who can't look at her -or Lucien, for that matter, without being reminded of what his mate went through before he found her."

Cassian snapped.

His siphons glowed scarlet red, goosebumps in his arms from the contained adrenaline rushing through his veins. He screamed at her in anger for the first time in... for the first time in as long as he could remember.

"Don't you dare try to make me feel like I'm a bad friend to Feyre to justify your bigotry. Don't you dare try to convince me that I'm the one hurting others, so I stay in my place while you do whatever the fuck you want and then blame the problems that surface on me. Don't you fucking dare play the victim of this when it's none of your business."

There had been genuine happiness in Feyre's eyes the night Nesta and her decided to give themselves one last chance.

Now Mor was reducing Feyre to nothing but an excuse for her own grudges. She was trying to yield her past suffering as a weapon against her sister, which would make Feyre just as furious as he was. She would never use the damage she experienced to hurt someone she loved, and that was the kind of friend he wanted in his life giving him advice. That was the kind of friend Cassian needed.

He had taken Nesta to the mountains and listened to her cry. He had heard from her mouth how she felt.

Worthless.

She had felt like she didn't deserve to be alive.

And apparently, Mor agreed.

It couldn't be wrong to have sympathy for her. It couldn't be wrong to want her. And he did want her. Cassian wanted everything with her. Was he a bad friend to Feyre for that? How, when his friend wanted the same thing?

"She saved my life twice. She was ready to die with me instead of running away. Does that mean nothing to you?" Above all, what broke Cassian's trust in her wasn't simply her disapproval of Nesta. Rather than that, what Cassian wasn't sure he could forgive was how little care she showed for him. "If you don't like her, that's fine. I don't care, and I can promise you she doesn't either. But don't you dare use Feyre or me as an excuse for it."

"I won't apologize for caring. I won't apologize for protecting my High Lady and my best friend, and the life you really want and deserve".

"At what point exactly did you decide Feyre's happiness was above Nesta's life? Was it after you met her, or had you already ranked your priorities the night Feyre told us about her sisters? Oh, sorry, our priorities, since apparently you know what I want better than I do." Cassian wasn't sure if he would have stopped his ranting right there if he had seen any regret coming from Mor, and he never got to find out. His friend's face was a mask of faked boredom as he spoke. "From all people, I would expect you guys to know what it's like to be perceived by outsiders in a way that's different from who you are as a measure of protection. You simply fail to understand that, for her, we've been the bad guys she has to be wary of since day one. And the reason is precisely that we made our minds clear about her in that fucking dinner party and refused to change it independently of what she did to be better".

He would know about it.

A blank expression was painted on her face. "You need to chill."

"Leave." he ordered. It was no up for discussion. Cassian couldn't even look at her right now. He was fuming and didn't want to say things he would later regret. As he opened the glass doors for Mor, he knew he would, unless one of them left.

"Are you seriously going to let a stupid fight about her get between us?"

It was the way she said her. Like she had said it a hundred times before, like others had pronounced as well, including him not so long ago.

Cassian turned to face the blonde, a special kind of anger glimmering in his eyes.

"Me?!" he screamed. Mor gave instinctively a step back, "Am I going to let it get between us!? You are the one who brought her up, Mor. You are the one who has a problem, and I'm the one pretending you don't trash her at every chance you get, so we can still be friends. I'm not the one letting an argument get between us, for the only thing I've been doing over five hundred years is make everything easier for you. And now, I'm done." Her eyes went wide.

But Cassian was now beyond turning. He had tried to leave and make her go to avoid exactly what was about to happen, "Are you seriously going to let a stupid sister fight only you care about at this point get between me and my happiness? You really despise her so much you would take the chance of being happy with Nesta away from me only to make her miserable?" he spat.

Cassian took a step forward and Mor gave another one back at the same time, recoiling. There was fear in her face as he made his way to her, a kind of fear he had never seen on her features whilst looking at him. "Just look at me in the eye and answer this question, Mor, and I promise there won't be more fights between us for better or worse: Would you rather have me unsatisfied for the rest of my days than have me happy, if that requires her being blissful as well? "

Her silence was too long. It was too damn long.

Cassian spread his wings, the glimmer of his siphons mirroring his anger, and went for the glass doors.

"I only want to protect you." Mor cried behind him. Cassian walked fast, but she was at his heels when he reached the banister, begging him to stop and listen.

One single tear run down her beautiful face. If any other person had made her shed a tear, he would be the first one going after them to make them suffer unimaginable pain. Mor was his best friend, had always been. Cassian thought there was nobody in the world he wouldn't at least beat up for making her sad the way she looked now. But he heard her whimper, saw the hurt, and realized it was too little compared to what she had inflicted on him. On Nesta.

She had gone too far. And at the same time, she was giving him too little.

He turned to face her, needing to make sure he wasn't making a mistake. A part of him refused to believe this was actually happening, wanted to trust in that, once he met her eyes again, he would see regret in her pupils. The hope he had learned from her ages ago making him give her one last look before he aimed for the sky.

Of course, Mor was too stubborn to show any kind of surrender. Too proud to be regretful.

"I am a 500 year old warrior. She is a 25 year old female whose family she can't talk to without pushing them away. And you think I'm the one who needs protection because she is mean to those she doesn't like."

It was not a question. Cassian wanted Mor to hear what her case sound like to him. Before he left, Cassian wanted her to know this was not going to be a short argument and they wouldn't be having lunch together next week. It was a breaking point in their friendship, and he was going to stand on this hill as long as it took, unmoving no matter how many jibes she trowed at him or how many tears wetted her face.

Mor cried in silence, and only because the winter breeze was cooling him down, he didn't get angrier at her for that, at himself, and at the world. Why did they always find a way to make things harder than they should be?

"Wait, please, don't go." The sound of his wings spreading again almost prevented him from hearing her whimper as she said, "I can still teach you one last dance," she murmured. Cassian listened carefully, she didn't dare moving, monitoring his position as if he were a wild animal and she was a rabbit trying to be discrete to not become his prey "There is one gavotte they are likely to play. She is so good at it, you would think she's known the moves for decades and not days."

A temtative hand reached for his arm and stayed there. He had never seen Mor stutter, especially when it came to him. Cassian had always been her best friend, the one who never got mad at her and she could count on. Now she was unsure if he was leaving for the day, or if he was flying away from her for Cauldron knows how long. She didn't tighten her grip on him when he didn't push her away, it remained light and unsure. "I think you already know it, but we can practice that one a couple of times. Just in case you get a chance to dance with her. You'll look great by her side... like it's meant to be".

Cassian noticed his cheeks were wet as well. His gaze burned so fiercely Mor couldn't hold his stare. With anger still painted all over his features, Cassian nodded and followed her inside again.

Mor didn't say a bad word about her for the rest of the evening, and even if he couldn't know where she went afterwards to rant about it, he appreciated her silence.

---

A couple of minutes after her orgasm, Nesta's legs were still shaking. Cassian drove his hand up and down her thighs, feeling her soft skin with the excuse of a massage to help her muscles relax.

He needed to calm down as well -it had been a particularly long day. Nesta had been happy to follow him into his room after dinner, feeling something was off. He had to restrain himself from telling her when she asked about it. First, because he didn't want her to know he was taking dance lessons with Mor. She would know the reason behind it in a second, and he didn't feel like exposing himself like that for a second time that day.

He also couldn't tell her about the argument that hours later still kept his head bussy. He didn't want her to know how frivolously she had been discussed, what both Mor and him had said about her in the same living room where their kisses after dinner had started.

Nesta's breathing was steady, tranquil. His cock was still inside her. He needed to feel her touch. She wasn't in conditions to leave his room even if he came out of her, but Cassian didn't want to give her a chance to get rid of him just yet. He needed her presence there a little longer.

Nesta's fingers tangled themselves in his hair, pressing his head to the crook of her neck. He kissed the soft skin and felt her pulse beat fast against his lips. The path of wet kisses he planted all the way up to the spot behind her ear made her moan.

Cassian felt his blood rushing back to his cock.

With his hands, he cupped her breasts. A sigh escaped her swollen lips, his own closing around a hard nipple. Cassian marked with kisses and playful bites his way down her abdomen to the apex of her thighs. Nesta's let a loud moan escape when his tongue hit with precision her bundle of nerves, drawing circles around it. Teasing her. Making her wetter if that was even possible.

Unaffected by Nesta's pleas, he enjoyed playing with her, his mouth exploring her folds as if wanting to drink her in. Cassian couldn't hear anything, the sinful sounds she let out a song his blood echoed, roaring in his ears. Her hand found his head, her hips clashing against him as she tried to ride his face. Oh, he loved it when she did that, so desperate to have him closer, for his touch to never leave her.

It was his lust what determined every movement his body made, convincing Casian he could reach heaven just by climbing up her hips. Cassian didn't stop until he felt her thighs clench the sides of his head. The hand that held him fixed between her legs became a fist in his hair, encouraging him to keep going, keep licking and keep playing with her most sensitive spot until his tongue took her over the edge one more time.

Yet he hadn't had enough of her. He needed more and more, and after each time they slept together, the urge to have her again grew stronger, as Cassian became more impatient for the next time. Nesta felt the same way, by how her hands found his wings by reaching behind his shoulders and aroused him again. A grin spread through her face when he let his lover play with him in whatever way she pleased. Whatever she wanted from him, Cassian would give.

He climaxed one more time all over her breasts, before he finally renounced to her body. He was content resting by her side, their legs tangled under the sheets.

It was now a matter of time before Nesta left his room.

Cassian's legs tangled with hers. Nesta moved idly against him, making herself comfortable. Their bodies fitted together like pieces from a jigsaw puzzle, their breaths the only sound in the room. He could tell she was cold as he once again found himself caressing her arms, pale like porcelain under the moonlight that came through the window. Cassian pulled the sheets to cover them and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Nesta had her walls down. She looked so peaceful curled up against him.

"You don't like us, do you?" even if he whispered the words, they were loud in the silence of the room.

Nesta was fighting to focus her sight, just as tired as he was. "What do you mean?" Oh Cauldron. That raspy voice of hers after sex. Too much moaning for her own good. And he hadn't even enjoyed her throat that night. He had to picture terrible things in his head so his cock would behave and not react to her "that was really great sex" voice.

"My friends and I. The Inner Circle as a whole, you could say." His hand rested in the small of Nesta's back, drawing lazy circles.

She maneuvered to get rid of his touch, sitting up on the bed. The absence of her body against him was painfully obvious. Cassian laid on his back, fighting the impulse to sit up as well. He moved his hands to his nape with faked laziness, as if the question was simple small talk. Yeah... the small talk they never had after sex. Not weird or suspicious at all.

Good job, you idiot. She's not coming to your room in weeks. He cursed himself.

He couldn't withdraw now, it was too late. Nesta's gaze was feline. On guard.

"I don't think I dislike any of you more than you dislike me."

"Hey, I don't dislike you!" he ignored the cautiosness on her tone. He would pretend everything was okay and pray Nesta somehow went with it, "I would say, in fact, that I am very fond of you. And so is Az, for what's worth."

She smiled, a cold grin that didn't seem to fit with the rest of her face, still flushed, eyes glassy and tired. "Then you don't have to worry about it." He said nothing, only kept looking at her. He had learned that, if he waited long enough, she would go on. It could be only to insult him and then leave... but she would go on.

---

Nesta sighed. Where was he going with this? What was she even supposed to respond? No, she didn't like half of them... that if she counted the ones she barely tolerated. But she could sit in the same table as them and be civil. She was even working for them, so why he would bring that up two minutes after he came all over her, was beyond Nesta.

"I thought you didn't care what your friends thought of this" she pointed between the two of them, her gesture just as calculatedly casual as his had been.

A wet washcloth appeared on his nightstand. Nesta mentally thanked the house for her timing. If she was forced to have this conversation, she would rather be clean for it. Nesta rubbed it on her chest, Cassian's gaze following and fixing on her breasts. She cleared her throat, urging him to answer.

"And I don't. I was just curious if you did."

Nesta sigh.

"You've snapped at me before for calling one of you an asshole, Cassian. Do you really expect me to go on a detailed answer on how much I value them and their opinions?" Cassian tightened his jaw, but didn't answer. He waited for her to go on, knowing his silence was pressure enough for her to give in and talk.

If she said she didn't mind what they thought of her, she would be lying. But if she told him she did care, she would be lying as well. It wasn't that simple, a "yes" or a "no".

Nesta cared and worried about their opinions, not because she valued their judgement, but because she was still afraid she didn't have enough power in that Court to face their truth with hers. She had her own thoughts about them, but they didn't have the weight on Cassian one word from any of his friends had.

Nobody ever asked her what she thought of them, because it didn't really matter. Yet everyone expected Nesta to take into consideration what they wanted -who they expected her to be. They had crossed the line in the most disgusting ways to make sure she did the right changes to fit into the mold they had created for her. And Cassian had been a part of it.

Now, from all people, Cassian was asking.

"Don't mention them when we are in bed if you want to see me here again." that was the little bargain power she was sure she had over him. The territory she could claim for herself.

Once again, it took Cassian some time to come up with his own words. Nesta's brain was going a thousand thoughts per minute, reading his face, his body, trying to anticipate where he was going to strike next. He had chosen to bring this up right after sex, when she was slower with her wit. Prick.

When Nesta thought he simply wouldn't answer, Cassian finally sat on the mattress, shoulders down, his body apparently relaxed, his muscles tense and wings tucked in "I know this is just sex, and that's enough for me. I'll take it." As he mouthed the words, Nesta came out of the mist that clouded her thoughts, ready to cover up any crack on her armor. "I just want to know if my friends have anything to do with you not wanting... more."

For that, the answer was yes. She did worry what they thought of Cassian and her being... close, only because she wasn't sure what Cassian would do if they didn't approve of them together.

Nesta didn't care, but she worried what it would mean for her if they asked him to leave. Nesta was sure she meant enough to Cassian for him to put on some resistance. But when push came to shove, if they ever asked him to choose, she doubted Cassian would put her before them.

And she wasn't ready to be broken like that.

There was one thing about Cassian she admired above anything else he had and was, and that was his loyalty. Absolutely unmoving. She saw first-hand how this male loved, so ardently, so unwavering. If Cassian was asked to choose and chose his friends, she wouldn't blame him, she would understand. She had seen him put his life on the line for them without thinking, the act natural to him.

It was knowing that Cassian wasn't the obedient dog others had claimed him to be what would be devastating for her. To be so sure that he didn't feel the need to follow his High Lord to the end of the world.

If he chose them, duty wouldn't be the reason. Cassian would do it because he literally loved them more.

It was precisely that what made her so afraid to let him in. To not know if whatever he wanted from her would ever mean to him as much as the bonds he already had. If there was a chance for him to value it even above those. Because she wouldn't take less.

Nesta couldn't tell him she didn't care what they thought, for it would be a lie. And she couldn't tell him about her reasons either without bearing her heart more than she was ready for. And every time she reminded him -or herself- that it was just sex, she remembered why she refused to give him anything else.

So yes, Nesta cared about what they thought only because she feared them in a way Cassian wouldn't understand. He had defended them against her in the past like he didn't know that side of them existed at all.

Unable to answer, Nesta nodded.

Cassian took in her gesture. At his silence, Nesta practically launched herself out of Cassian's bed, aiming for the door and grabbing her nightgown on her way.

He was there before she could grip the knob. His hand slammed the door to make sure she couldn't open it. Nesta turned on her heels to face him, angry at how aggressive his gesture was. At the audacity to behave like this after she gave him the answer he had asked for, only because he hadn't liked it.

She was trapped between his body and the wooden door, her face an inch apart from his naked chest. Because they were still naked. He banged his head against the door and closed his eyes.

"You know I would give my life for you. In a heartbeat. Without hesitation." Nesta could feel her mouth dry. She couldn't believe he was making a scene about this, considering what her mission the next day. What had happened that afternoon before she came back from the Library to shake him like this? "You know that, right?" Cassian insisted.

She nodded one more time, her forehead brushing his shoulder.

"I know you have good reasons to want them far away from you, Nes, but they are part of my life. My family. When I ask myself what I want in my future, I know I want them in it. We've been through so much together that I really can't picture my life without them at this point. To be honest, I don't want to picture it either."

Nesta's throat burned and so did her eyes, lined with tears. She wasn't ready to listen to this coming from his lips.

"But I want you too, and I don't even know if you think that's possible or if I'm making a fool of myself by trying to go after you."

She was glad Cassian had his eyes closed so he wouldn't see the mess she became as his words hit her. Nesta closed them as well, so the tears didn't come out. "We have a mission tomorrow, Cassian. I need to get some sleep and be well rested."

He didn't move.

"Let's not jeopardy the mission for a question you already know the answer for".

In a matter of hours she was going to be dancing with Eris in Hewn City trying to lure him into an alliance with his beloved friends because they had asked that from her. And she had agreed because the future of the frail political situation they were in depended on it. She needed to focus her mind back on that. She told herself that by doing so, she would forget about his confrontation, and by some miracle he wouldn't bring it up again after that.

"Why did you even accept to help with that plan, Nesta?" Cassian asked again, an angry whisper in her ear.

Because it's worse to stay in my room while you are there with them and wonder if you would vanish away once again if I don't follow all of you wherever you go.

The low light of the lamp threw shadows on Cassian's hazel eyes when he opened them to look straight into hers. They were so beautiful. He stretched his arm to cup her hand, but Nesta hid it in her lap before he could.

His arm hung there for a moment, as if not knowing what to do with it.

Don't worry, Cassian, I'm choosing this for myself. I'll do it. I want to do it.

And in return, she only asked him to keep things casual.

Nesta knew it was unfair to him. She was giving him no choice. It was selfish. But no one expected anything better from her anyway. She was self-absorbed, everyone knew that. It seemed to be her defining characteristic in their eyes from the beginning. No need to change that now. The only thing Nesta was willing to replace was her relationship with herself, with who she was. The only goal in her mind was to be as ready to fight for her life as she was to give it for others. Only then, she would be able to share her heart the way she wanted to. And if he was still around when that happened, she would gladly give him a piece. Just not yet.

It would take time, but he had promised to stay no matter how long it took. He had sworn.

Her voice was too close to cracking. "You should go get some rest as well. Don't think too much about this, Cassian. It's just sex, remember?"

"Just sex" he agreed.

Nesta moved her hands up and carefully placed them on his chest to push him away. He obediently gave a step back, freeing her. She went straight for the door knob and opened it. Nesta exited as fast as she could to turn her back on him before he saw the effect his damned questions had had on her.

"And I have no intention of changing that for my own reasons. Your friends have nothing to do with it."

It's you, she thought.

"So many things are happening to me at the same time," she said instead, "that...I don't even know how to deal with them and not have a breakdown every five minutes. I need you to be the one thing in my life that is easy. Please." there was no point in hiding her weeping anymore. "And I don't need anyone to die for me. I would hate that, actually. I want someone who is going to stay alive and by my side all the way. And that's why you need to let go." Nesta wasn't sure whose heartbeat she was hearing, but it was thundering at an alarming pace.

"I understand" he said. His voice was not her lover's caring tone, nor her friend's easy-going voice. He was putting distance between them, making it impersonal. She didn't blame him, as she did the same thing and closed the door behind her.

She went straight to her room and asked the House to warm up the cold space.

There were no dreams for her that night.

---

On the same room one floor above, Cassian stared at the ceiling for hours, unable to find sleep.

The sun came up before he got to close his eyes, still thinking about what Nesta had asked from him. What his High Lord had asked from him aligning with her request as well. What Mor thought of it all. The ball and Eris being the one to spend the entire night with Nesta Archeron.

He had a job to do, a character to play he knew too well to mess it up even if he had gotten no rest, so that part didn't worry him one bit.

Only when he finally got up with the first rays of sunshine, Cassian came to terms with what he would do that night and how far was he willing to go. If what he wanted for himself was worth risking all the good things he already had, both with his friends and with her.

Maybe it was time to stop being a coward who adapted to the group's needs. Maybe it was time he gave the first step. Or perhaps he would do better waiting, not rushing things and allowing people to come to him whenever they were ready. No. The person he had in mind the entire night and kept him from resting would never go to him, pride and uncertainty preventing her from taking risks with him. Yet one step too far could mean three steps back, and then none of it would be worth it.

Mor was right, he was not being his old self as he took a cold shower, put on his leathers, and flew to the River House to put Rhys' plan for tonight into motion. Cassian was not being the illyrian Commander they had always known when he stepped into Hewn City armed to his teeth and ready to improvise and do absolutely everything his heart asked him to do.

#fix it fic #fixing acosf #nessian #nessian month

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