#Visit Sedona

[dopescissorscashwagon]

Streets of Sedona..

📸 : by Chirag A. Patel

[wantedwanderer24]

Slide Rock // Sedona, AZ

JUN 2024

[raeathnos]

.

[flippantsmeagol]

Sedona tip. If you visit, check out the Rector Connector. A fairly easy trail that runs between Courthouse Butte, and Bell Rock. Seldom used, but lots of energy here.

[builtaworldwithyourlove]

Free Falling

Chapter Two

2k/ (eventual) husband!joel x f!reader /minors dni

‘I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel’

Summary: you take the leap to leave your stagnant relationship, and end up falling into the arms of a man who will give you the life you always dreamed of. 

Content: loveless relationship, mention of TW: domestic violence, emotional abuse, age gap (reader is mid-late 20s, Joel is late 30s-mid 40s), angst, allusions of cheating, sad sad sad but Joel will save the day, slow burn, smut, fluff, oc(reader’s boyfriend and friends/family), mention of reader grieving loss of her dad, swearing, smoking, alcohol consumption, lovely lovely baby boy Joel, reader is a sweetheart, sexual tension, no smut just yet, some physical description of reader, Let me know if I’ve missed anything.

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Saturday morning was glorious. Your bedroom was fortunately positioned so that the sun shone through your white cotton curtains, and woke you up naturally. Although you didn’t get to revel in the peace for long, as Leo decided to scale the curtains and cry for help as he got stuck in limbo.

With a sigh, you rolled out of bed. You scooped Leo up in your arms and held him whilst you made the rounds opening all the windows and setting the house up for the day.

The coffee machine was the most important visit of the day. You were an early riser, so your 7am coffee was the surest way to keep you somewhat personable. You put some music on and started to tidy your kitchen, when your phone started ringing. It was Joel.

‘Morning, could you text me your address? I’ll be there within the hour.’ 

‘Sure! I’ll get the coffee ready now’ you replied.

Joel chuckled ‘See ya.’

Someone’s not a morning person, you thought to yourself. 

You let Joel know to let himself in round the back in case you didn’t answer as you were getting yourself ready. You ran up the stairs, trying to ignore the excitement in your chest. It would be the first time you’d have  some potential male attention, although he was an old family friend, surely he wouldn’t see you in that way. You got out of your head, made your bed and sprayed it with your fabric freshener, then lit a stick of incense followed by your favourite sedona sandstone candle.

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You showered and drenched yourself in cocoa butter and your Flora Luminare perfume. The doorbell rang and you skipped downstairs to answer.

Joel stood there, towering over you. He was gorgeous. Chiselled, tanned, the deepest brown eyes and softest looking lips.

He stood there taking you in. You were shorter than him, your hair fell down to your waist and he was encompassed by a cloud of your scent. He could’ve fallen to his knees in awe of you. He remembered the brief moments he had seen you before. It was always after one too many beers, but he knew he found you were beautiful. You made him laugh too, you were always as if butter wouldn’t melt, trying to keep your asshole ex-boyfriend sweet. But he remembered you sneaking smokes in the front yard at family parties, or downing a shot of tequila in the kitchen on your own when things got too much. The sparkle in your eyes never dulled, and your smile never faded.

‘Hey, thanks for coming so early’ you smiled.

Joel shook himself out of his daze.  He winked at you and put his hand on your shoulder.

‘No problem, show me the damage darling.’

His eyes twinkled and he smirked as you placed your hand on Joel’s. You squeezed his hand and gestured him in. 

He examined every part of your house on the way to your bedroom. The baby pink accents, the kitten toys scattered all over the place, and the framed pictures of you with your friends and family.

You quickly joined him with a mug of coffee. You sat cross-legged on the bed. You were wearing baby pink yoga pants and a plain white cropped tee. He looked you up and down, very brazen and not ashamed. You blushed and adjusted yourself to let Leo join you.

‘You the clumsy type then?’ Joel sized up the hole in the wall, and looked over his shoulder at you, with an eyebrow raised.

‘Erm, my ex-boyfriend. Fragile masculinity and alcohol’ you looked down and Joel cringed. He faced you and rested his hands on his hips. Your throat went dry and you couldn’t tell if you were turned on or terrified of being told off for letting yourself in that situation.

‘I’m sorry, baby’ Joel dropped his head and started fixing the wall. 

You watched him intently. His arms flexing as he worked his magic. You let Joel finish as you went downstairs to fix up some food for him to take with him.

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‘The wall’s fixed. Anything else I can do?’ Joel startled you and you hopped round and laughed.

He took the second mug of coffee you offered him and gazed at you. 

‘I need my locks changed’ you rifled down your drawers unable to find the replacement locks, then you remembered you had put them in your glass cabinet. 

The pictures of your dad faced outward as you opened the door to the cabinet, and Joel felt his heart drop. He was so fond of your dad, and couldn’t imagine the shit you had been through this past year. 

He chuckled and took the locks out of your hands. 

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‘I’m all done, is that everything?’ Joel poked his head round the doorway of your dressing room. You grinned as you finished applying your lipgloss and turned around to Joel.

‘Yes thank you, Mr Miller’ you winked.

He turned as if to go. ‘Wait, wait, wait’ you clambered up out of your seat, ‘I’ll see you out.’

Joel gestured to let you lead the way and you half curtsied. He was intrigued. You were so high energy and like a ball of sunshine, and he felt like he was 18 again.

He got his stuff ready and began to head back to the car. 

‘Erm, Joel. I’m having my family and friends round tonight for some drinks. I’d love you to come, to say thank you for your help. Clara and Rufus will be there, so will Mum and the girls’ you felt embarrassed and desperate, but Joel made you feel safe.

‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world, text me a time’ Joel winked and waved as he headed back towards his truck.

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You were a woman infatuated. Joel occupied every corner of your mind. You slid on your flip flops and grabbed your purse before heading to get food and drink for your night of hosting.

You stopped off to drop Rufus and Clara’s lunch to their shop.

‘Now when were you going to tell me Mr Miller is devastatingly handsome?’ You burst through the door of the florist.

‘Well I thought it would be a welcome surprise’ Clara smirked.

‘He’s already called. Said he’s looking forward to seeing us tonight, and that you are an absolute angel.’ Rufus hooked his arm around you, roughing you up as you both do.

‘Eeek! I’m obsessed’ you twirled round and waved yourself out the door. You blew a kiss and practically waltzed down to your car.

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‘Come here anytime from 4:30pm. Wear something pretty😉’ you felt bold after the margaritas you had downed whilst getting ready with the girls. Lottie, Jess and Rhea were your absolute world. You were dancing around the bedroom and dressing room, blaring your music and feeling half tipsy.

It was 3:37pm, and Joel sat at home waiting restlessly to leave. He decided to call your Auntie and Uncle and get a lift with them. 

‘Who are you texting?’ Rhea snatched your phone out of your hand.

‘Stop, you can’t even judge me on this. He’s the hottest man I’ve ever seen. He fixed some bits up in the house yesterday. Knows Rue and Clara, an old family friend. He’s coming tonight’ you girls all squealed in unison.

Rhea still had your phone and headed straight to Facebook. She got Joel’s profile up right away and mocked you with it. She accidentally liked a photo from 3 years ago, and her face dropped. You all went silent before freaking out. She threw your phone to the center of your bed. 

It lit up:

Facebook:

One new friend request- Joel Miller

Chaos ensued, and you were quick to accept it.

Joel texted you letting you know they were on their way. You felt giddy.

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Your mum and sisters arrived and you set your sisters up in the summerhouse at the end of the garden with some of their friends they had bought along. You made them mocktails and let them have free roam of your beauty drawers and facemasks beforehand.

You switched on the fairylights around your garden, and you and the girls sat debriefing on life with your mum and her best friend.

Joel and the rest of your family creeped round through the side gate. You stood up to greet them and your auntie and uncle held you tightly before sauntering off to see your mum and sisters. A few more family acquaintances turned up, and people you know and love, but this was all a daze as Joel kissed your cheek and pulled you in for a cuddle.

His dark curls were swept backwards, with the exception of one that fell over his forehead. ‘Thank you for having me’ he whispered into your ear.

You traced down his arms to his hands, and you squeezed them as if to say thank you. His hands lingered on your waist, perhaps a second too long and the girls couldn’t help but wolf whistle. 

Joel laughed, and headed over to meet everyone.

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The night was beautiful, everyone had too much food and drink, but everyone was happy and content. Your sisters and friends had crashed out in the spare room, which was fine, you loved having guests.  Your mum left after you assuring her you’d be fine to drop the girls off home tomorrow. Your friends had booked an uber to go to the club, but you were more of a homebody, plus Joel had stuck around and you didn’t want him to leave.

You cleared the glasses and bottles away in the kitchen, Joel offered to help but he sat at the table and watched you instead. 

You offered him a cigarette from your hidden box which was in the empty biscuit tin. You sat next to eachother on the backdoor step. The sun was setting and it caressed his features and soaked them in a golden hue. Everything had been moving in double speed since you met him, and now was the first time you got to take in every bit about him, and was also the first time you noticed he did the same to you. He made you laugh until your stomach hurt, and you made him feel relaxed. As you laughed, you leaned into his side, and he wrapped his arm over your shoulders and placed a kiss upon the top of your head.

You looked up at him and he kissed you. Deeply and passionately and carefully. You relaxed your arms over his shoulders and as you deepened the kiss. Then tested the waters and held onto his neck, under his jawline, and pulled him towards you.

‘I wanted to do this since I saw you,’ Joel tilted his forehead pressed against yours, and you grinned. ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’

‘No plans, tackling the aftermath of this I think. Why do you ask?’ Joel stroked your thigh with his thumb. It was cold from nursing a beer, but it was welcome.

‘Would you like to go on a date with me?’ Joel felt shy, and anxious.

‘I wouldn’t want to do anything else. Text me the details, and I’ll be there’ you blushed and kissed his cheek.

‘I’ll pick you up at 5pm baby’ Joel kissed your cheek and headed out as he stumbled towards the cab he had booked.

He sat in the back of the cab and motioned a phone with his hand and mouthed call me. You blew a kiss and waved him off, giggling like a school girl as he waved out of the window of the car.

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You showered and headed to bed, high on life and feeling like you were floating. 

‘Good evening Mr Miller’ you tried your best at flirting, and following Joel’s orders to call him. 

‘I’ve been wondering when you’d call’ he yawned.

‘Bad timing?’

‘Never bad timing with you. I’d answer your call at any second of any day.’ His southern drawl flipped your stomach.

‘I’ll remember that, I may need you a lot from now on.’ You rolled over and snuggled into your pillow.

‘You get some sleep baby. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow’ 

You hung up the phone, texted Joel goodnight and slept through the night in peace.

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@iamsherlocked-1998

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[wild-west-wind]

Tshirt that says "i visited the sedona vortex and all I got was explosive diarrhea"

[philotheoristic]

Cloudy Morning in Sedona... I hadn't been here since the late 80's when I visited with my parents. After living about 90 minutes away in Prescott for the past 10 months, it was about time ;)

[anamelessfool]

Ringing Rocks Park

I do a lot of research for my fics. One big plot point for my Fallout Fic "Oversee Us" is something called an "Energetic Vortex". It's more New Age than true science but it's a fun plot element.

“Something called a vortex. Some sort of geo-whatsit among the rocks. Been that way even when the natives lived there a few thousand years ago. Commie wackadoos went out there before the bombs fell.” Coop grimaces, and you feel the corded muscle in his chest tighten. “Thought the vortex would protect ‘em. Thought just thinkin’ happy thoughts about the human race would save the world.”

I visited the most famous ones in the US out in Sedona, AZ. I mention others. One of which I figured out was literally an hour from where I live. The "Ringing Rocks" of Bucks County, PA. So yeah we took a ride there today.

It's a mysterious 8-acre field of boulders moved there by glaciers hundreds of thousands of years ago. Trees grow around it in an ominous ring. All that lives among the rocks are spiders. The white divots are all from visitors hitting rocks with hammers. The rocks ring like bells, all different sounds actually!

There's a fun nature trail all around, and a "waterfall" which is actually a spillway that is currently dried up. Still really interesting formations.

The most amusing feature is the random rocks on the trail that have deep hammer divots. One person hit their hammer and realized it wasn't going to work. But it left a mark letting folks know to try. Hundreds of people over at least 150 years trying out the rock that of course never rang and will never ring.

It's not certain exactly why these rocks ring. It could be they're dried out by the sun and they lightly touch each other which makes them extra resonant. But it was fun! Lots of kids around us hitting rocks with hammers. Not an iPad in sight. The children really yearn for the mines, don't they.

Airport Mesa Research Post

Oregon Coast Research Post

[readersmagnet]

Rich Carpenter shared poignant poems from 2000, reflecting on loss and life in Sedona, Arizona. His "When The Rose Fades" proposal centers on hospice care and supporting those in grief. The author adds new poems exploring life, death, courage, and inspiration themes.

Immerse yourself in poetry that speaks to loss, courage, and the beauty of life. Visit https://www.brionkhanks-poetry.com/ and order "When The Rose Fades" today!

[nocternalrandomness]

B-17G Sentimental Journey visiting Sedona, Arizona

[tyfinn]

Flower Power Friday

Today is the last day of my week-long visit to Sedona. I made sure to take some pics to share today! Juniper, daisies, prickly pear.

Thank you @a-noble-dragon @ramonaflow for the tag today, and to all the other flower loving mutuals

[dopescissorscashwagon]

Cathedral Rock is beautiful at any time of day, but we think it's incredibly stunning at sunset.

The golden light casts a warm glow over the rock formation, and the views of the surrounding landscape are breathtaking. Plus, the crowds tend to be smaller in the evening, so you can enjoy the hike without feeling rushed. If you're looking for a truly magical experience, we recommend hiking Cathedral Rock at sunset. @desert_badger

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios Adventures

A tense poker game was ongoing in the former Sedona Palace, now officially fully in service to Pleasantview's monarch. Claudia preferred to stay in her own palace or her newest property in Crystal Cove, so she'd granted her little brother, Oliver, full use of the property. He and some college friends lived there, as none of them had any romantic partners or ambitions of their own. It was good to have respectable tennents living on the property to ensure its upkeep and security, and truthfully, Claudia often worried about her brother. He didn't apply himself at university, and he didn't seem to have any interest in dating anyone.

Normally, she'd stay out of her brother's love life, but Claudia was unmarried with only one heir. If anything happened to her before marrying Miruna, Oliver could be asked to make an heir of his own to keep the throne in their bloodline. She would die before she let anything happen to Victoriana, but considering her cousin's recent loss, Claudia couldn't afford to take chances.

She found her brother attempting to play the antique piano that had been left on the property, absolutely ruining what could have been a beautiful melody.

"Oh my god, did you actually try to learn piano when Mom and Dad paid for all those lessons? You're terrible."

"Hello to you too, Your Majesty."

Oliver stood up from the piano and wrapped his arms around his sister with a surprised hug.

"I trust that the property is suitable for you and your friends. We have more renovations coming next month, but they shouldn't be too invasive."

Even if the renovations were extensive, Oliver was still living rent free in a historic castle instead of a dorm, so he really couldn't complain to her. His friends Mark Mishra, Cain Rivales, Melvin Jr Hydes, and Ben Goss were well behaved and responsible tenants. Claudia would much rather house her brother than have the castle sit empty.

"So what brings you by? Making sure none of us have broken the expensive looking busts in the hallway? You never drop by unless you need something."

Claudia frowned.

"I don't visit you just to ask for your help," she protested. "Can't I just spend time with my little brother without a secret motive?"

"So you're here to ask for help on behalf of Mom and Dad," Oliver decided, shooting his sister an irritating grin. "Probably Mom, since she's the one who always worries about me. You're Dad's favourite, and I'm Mom's constant worry. 'When are you going to find a nice man or woman to settle down with, Oliver?', 'When are you going to apply yourself in school, Oliver?', 'You never call your parents, Oliver'. Thank god she seems to be obsessed with worrying about Travis these days. If he weren't so anti-social, I might have to avoid family dinners just to escape Mom."

"You're just a brat, Ollie. You don't apply yourself in school or call Mom and Dad. Try running a country as large and as old as Pleasantview for just an hour. You'd come running back to me in fifteen minutes."

"Yes, poor Claudia. However does she manage her luxurious life without keeling over? It must be so terrible to be queen. Mom and Dad never pester you."

Claudia burst out laughing before she could stop herself. She punched her little brother's arm playfully, just as they did when they were kids.

"Yeah, right! You know how badly Mom bothers you? She grills my secretary about all of my plans when I don't answer her calls. She has to make sure that I'm not 'following the dark path of our ancestors'. Like, she honestly believes I might just start executing people for fun because my breakfast was late. At least she's not accusing you of being a step away from mass murder."

Oliver grinned a wicked grin.

"Well, that settles it then. You let me be king for a week, and I'll show Mom that I can apply myself by committing as many war crimes as I can. No, I'll conquer Crystal Cove, and you can sit in the islands drinking and being as non evil as you can. Then we'll switch back and Mom can't say that she was right about either one of us. It's perfect."

"Don't forget Travis," Claudia laughed. "If he helps you, maybe Mom will let him read quietly in the corner without bothering him in the future."

The siblings exchanged playful punches as their ideas grew wilder.

"Let's use a spirit board and ask Grandma why Mom's the way she is."

"No, we contact the Grim Reaper and ask that she gets transferred to somewhere far away. You're the queen, I'm sure he'd listen to you."

"We contact Grandpa Vrai and tell him she needs emotional support from her father because she feels inferior to the living child he raised. That man will spend the rest of his life bothering her like she does to us."

"Devious. You may actually be evil after all, sis."

"This place has a pool table, right? And a fully stocked bar? I could use a drink before we accidently summon Mom here to nag at us."

Claudia surveyed the pool table carefully. She wasn't the best at pool, and it seemed to be one of the few things that Oliver cared about. She was losing badly, though she refused to acknowledge it.

"So why are you really here? Besides wanting to bitch about Mom? I'm sure the queen of Pleasantview has better things to do than daydrink with her little brother."

Claudia sighed.

"Look, I need a favour from you," she admitted. Two glasses of wine had finally loosened her tongue enough to reveal why she'd visited Oliver. "I need you to date someone."

Oliver scoffed in disbelief.

"So you complain about Mom controlling our lives and then come here to try to control mine too? I'm not having an arranged marriage so that you can get some land or military out of it. I didn't realize that you were such a hypocrite."

"I'm not!" Claudia replied defensively. "I don't need you to marry anyone. Just to date someone. Maybe make an heir for the line of succession."

"How is that better than an arranged marriage? Do you even hear yourself? I'm not ready to be a father, and even if I was, I wouldn't have a kid just to make you an heir. You're about to get married, make your own. Any kid of mine would be knocked out of the succession anyway when you and Miruna have kids."

"Look, don't think about it as an arranged marriage," Claudia said quickly. "Think of it as a blind date, one that it's okay if you accidentally knock up. Or don't knock him up, it doesn't matter as long as he's not single."

Oliver paused from lining up his next shot to stare incredulously at his sister. Claudia realized that she'd slipped up the instant the words left her mouth, but there was no taking them back. Put her up against a god or a rival monarch and she wouldn't even break a sweat. Give her several glasses of wine and the playful brother she'd always let her guard down for, and apparently, she'd be a mess.

"Claudia, what aren't you telling me? What trouble have you gotten yourself into? You're not back with Victoriana's father again, are you? The man's married! I'm not seducing his husband so that you can break up their relationship."

"I would never break up someone's marriage to get Roman Bellamy back," Claudia hissed, looking around for eavesdroppers. "He's in the past and that's where he'll stay. Besides, he's demon married now. There's no way I'd get involved with that mess. Can you imagine how miserable it would be to sleep next to a man who's feeling his ex-husband's emotions when he's kissing you? I'll pass."

"Then who are you wanting me to seduce for you?" Oliver asked with a heavy sigh. "This is why the rest of us don't get involved with the royal games like you and Dad. It all ends up in a giant mess."

"Look, I promise that this isn't a big deal," Claudia insisted. "I just need you to keep Arterius distracted so that Miruna isn't tempted by him. At least until our wedding, but preferably for as long as possible."

The look Oilver gave his sister was a mix of disbelief, frustration, and pity. It made Claudia want to sink into the floor and never be seen again.

"Damn, Claudia, that's insane even for you. Why are you marrying Miruna if you feel like you need to order me to sleep with her ex just to make you feel better? Just talk with her or break up. It's not that hard."

"I made a deal with the Pleasantview coven to give them an heir from Casper Goss' bloodline and Ewan Maricourt's. I can't back out of a deal like that. I need the loyalty of the coven to rule."

Oliver stared at his sister in shock.

"And you're marrying her because you love her, right?"

"Of course! Don't look at me like that! This is a reasonable request from your monarch."

Claudia's face burned red as she tried to formulate a response. No, she hadn't felt love for Roman, but she had always thought that what she had with Miruna was love. If it wasn't, then it was close enough. They made each other laugh after a hard day, and Miruna was a constant support. They enjoyed each other's company and their union would bring legitimacy to the Pleasantview coven's leadership. It worked for her, but it had stung to see just how passionate Miruna had been when arguing with Arterius' parent. Claudia doubted that Miruna would fight a god for their relationship and that truth had slowly been eating away at her confidence.

"What is with you, Clo? You grew up with the same sickeningly in love parents that I did, and yet you can't seem to understand basic relationships. You ghost the father of your child for years, and now you want me to seduce your fiancée's ex so that she won't leave you for him? What kind of example are you setting for your kid? If you don't love Miruna, you can't trick her into staying with you. You can see that, right? This is insane."

"Look, just forget I said anything," Claudia snapped, twisting her pool cue in her hands irritably. "It was a stupid idea; let's just move on. Do I need to order you a suit for the Harvest Moon Ball? Your outfit for the Goldman Memorial Ball arrived the other day."

Oliver gave his sister another pitying look that Claudia absolutely hated.

"Look, I'll hit on him for you. Arterius, that is. I can't promise to run off and marry him, but I'll make a move. If he says no, then I can't do anything about that, but for you, I'll try."

"Thanks. That means a lot to me. It's a stupid idea, I know, but I have to know if he's a threat."

Claudia avoided meeting Oliver's eyes, but he could hear the relief in her voice. They'd grown up hearing all about their royal grandparents and honestly, Oliver couldn't understand why Claudia chose to live that life. It sounded exhausting.

"Remember that story Great-uncle Charley used to tell us when we'd visit? The one about Holy Queen Jasone? She had the power of a demigod and a throne in Strangetown, and because of those, she couldn't trust anyone who wanted to date her."

Claudia nodded slowly.

"And the coven leader disguised her at a costume ball," Claudia said. "She met her future consort there while she was disguised."

"If it wasn't for that plan, we wouldn't exist," Oliver replied. "If it worked for our ancestor, then it will work for you too. Pretend to be sick next week when I invite some people over to 'tour the renovations and grounds' and we'll see if I'm Arterius' type. Wear a disguise and see if someone talks to you or what Miruna does if she thinks you're at home."

"That...that sounds like a terrible idea," Claudia replied. "It's worth a shot, though. I need to know how Miruna feels without marriage contracts and expensive castles clouding her judgment. Just...invite a lot of people so it's not just the four of us making awkward conversation around the snack table."

Oliver smiled warily, unsure if he was actually doing the right thing for his sister. Truthfully, he might be doing the right thing simply because Claudia would probably think of a plan on her own that was twice as terrible.

"It's a date then."

[mournus]

Haru's pause had him looking. Fingertips lightly scratching with affection. It was a chain of information. Ariel had told him of the ship. Of the vampire who frequented January's nightclub being a prominent figure. Ariel had dragged him along to visit Leila. The rest was history.

"I think Haru's more badass than Haru thinks."

Sedona's voice saying something so gentle made Haru's fragile heart flutter. Especially since Sedona is so handsome - that on top of being so kind and affectionate. Haru was too delicate for this.

"That's so sweet..." Haru shyly turned away, but the timid stature only lasted so long. Blue eyes turned to look back up at the other. "Haru thinks Sedona is really cool! Really cute and funny and sweet and really handsome, too! Haru is glad Sedona thinks she's badass!"

[chadmcmahan]

How Does The Fed’s Rate Cut Affect Mortgage Rates? What Homebuyers Need To Know | Real Estate Tips

Fed Rate Cut: How It Affects Mortgage Rates #fedcut #mortgagerates #realestate

Hi everyone, and welcome to The Equity Team AZ channel!

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Curious about living in Sedona, Arizona, and how The Equity Team can guide you through the process? We're here to assist!

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#fedcut #mortgagerates #realestate #interestrates #homeloans #marketupdate

[basims]

When Charlie arrived home from his mother's funeral, he was met at the door by two very large very enthusiastic canines, who , undistracted by keeping watch over Sophie's love hostage, were now able to visit the full measure of their affection and joy upon their returning master. It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pouund hounds from hell (Section 5, paragraph 7: Standards of Humping and Ass-dragging). And despite having used an extra-strength antiperspirant that very morning before leaving Sedona, Charlie found that getting poked repeatedly in the armpits by two damp devil-dog dicks was leaving him feeling less than fresh.

Sophie, call them off. Call them off."

The puppies are dancing with Daddy," Sophie giggled. "Dance, Daddy!

A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore