#Unfortunately much more obvious with famous women

[mommyhorror]

😞thinking about Elliot page & Amanda bynes & Britney Spears & Shelley duvall & Jennette McCurdy

[barcaatthemoon]

turned on || alexia putellas x reader ||

a night out forces you and alexia to finally do something about your obvious attraction to one another.

alexia was awkward. you had known that long before you'd ever met the woman. the two of you were respective superstars for your countries, both the faces of your women's leagues. the news of the famed (y/n) (y/l/n) going from bayern to barcelona had shaken up the european football world. however, the events that would follow would do so once again, perhaps to a bigger magnitude.

you had been at bayern since their youth academy. there had never been another club for you, not even for a loan. however, when your contract with bayern ended, you had decided to look elsewhere. you loved the team, and the things that everybody was doing together, but you wanted a change.

barcelona had come knocking on your door the loudest. they were willing to shell out a lot of money, nearly three times as much as your old club. it wasn't just about the money, but you had to admit that it had a nice ring to it. there were things that you could do with this money that you felt would benefit your community much more than you just scoring a few goals during your games.

your first few months in spain had been difficult. you weren't exactly conversational in spanish, nor were you all that great with english. your teammates were patient with you, especially frido, ingrid, and caro. they were like your lifelines, none of them ever leaving you completely alone at training. unfortunately for you, they were all around enough to notice the way that you and alexia stared at each other.

"hmm, that's a very interesting shirt choice. it looks oddly familiar," frido teased as she grabbed the bottom hem of your shirt. you didn't give her little comment the decency of a response. yes, you had picked this outfit out because the last couple of times that you had worn it, alexia hadn't been able to take her eyes off of you.

"i think that our captain will like it. although, i'm not sure she'll appreciate the attention you'll get from it," ingrid said. you blushed a little as you turned away from them to finish getting ready. you had done your makeup a little bit edgier than normal. alexia seemed to like the darker look on you, at least that was what mapi had told you.

you checked over your outfit one more time before you followed your friends out of ingrid's room. mapi was flexing in the mirror, something that had both you and ingrid laughing at her. mapi ignored the two of you and continued, much to aitana's annoyace.

"let's go." frido wrangled everybody into her car, letting you have the passenger's seat. you were still getting used to things like the famous spanish affection and lack of personal space. befriending mapi through ingrid was a big help, but you were still even more awkward than caro in most situations.

at the club, you were immediately whisked away to the bar with pina, cata, and patri. they fed you shot after shot, which you enjoyed until alexia, irene, marta, and sandra pulled your group back from the bar. irene had been the one to grab you, but you didn't let that last for long. with some difficulty, you put yourself in alexia's grasp, allowing for pina to scurry off towards the dance floor.

"hi, oh wait, hola!" your accent was normally bad, but tonight, it was atrocious. alexia cracked a small smile at your accent. you returned it tenfold, absolutely beaming at her. "you are so beautiful. do you like my outfit? i wore it just for you."

"o-oh?" alexia questioned. her voice had cracked, something that you didn't miss, but chose to ignore. "you look very nice, but you shouldn't dress for other people. dress for you, i'd like any outfit you wore."

"that's not the point. i want you to take me home. i need to impress if you're gonna do that." you were slurring your words pretty badly, and alexia wondered how long you had been feeling like that. she wasn't going to get her answer though, not when you were whisked off towards the dance floor.

alexia didn't see you for nearly the entire night after that. you had been moving around enough to sober up quite a bit. alexia noticed that you didn't sway on your feet when you came over to where she was sitting. however, there was still just enough liquid courage for you to let alexia know that you wanted to dance with her.

"i think we should dance. you've been sitting here all night. even irene got up at least once." if it had been anybody else, alexia never would have even really considered moving. however, it was you, and unbeknownst to you, alexia had developed quite the soft spot for you.

at first, she told herself that she wanted to take care of you because you were younger than her and in a new country. however, much to alexia's annoyance, mapi pointed out several times that alexia's gazes towards you were never friendly. alexia thought that she was good at masking her feelings, but mapi was one of the few people in the world who could see right through her. it took a while, but alexia had finally admitted to herself, and an eerily excited mapi, her feelings for you.

"i'm not much of a dancer," alexia warned you. she had never been a good dancer, especially not sober. you weren't a professional or anything, but you were fairly decent in the scheme of things.

"it's fine, i'll take the lead." your words didn't exactly make alexia feel much better, but once the two of you were on the dance floor, she didn't do much thinking. you were just sober enough to know that this wasn't something that alexia normally would have agreed to so easily. you'd been around the team long enough to know that alexia rarely ever left the booth or table whenever the team went out.

"a-are you sure that this is okay?" alexia asked as you placed her hands on your waist. normally whenever you'd dance with the other girls, their hands were glued to your hips. it was a far less intimate hold, but your body craved a bit of intimacy, specifically from alexia.

"shh, don't think about it. just feel the music and move with me," you told her. it was fine for the first couple of songs, but then things slowed down dramatically. alexia's hands stayed right where you had placed them, but you weren't prepared to feel the press of her body against yours.

for someone who wasn't spanish, you were teased a lot for being touchy. it was always in good jest, and because of that, you often forgot how handsy your teammates could get. alexia was no exception, despite being the most reserved with her affections. you realized in that moment that alexia wasn't unaffectionate at all, she was just picky. tonight, it seemed that she had picked you.

"can i have one more dance?" alexia asked as she rested her chin against your shoulder. her face was partially buried in the side of your neck. alexia's breath tickled against your skin, something she couldn't have known would have you turning red in the face like it was. "please, i'm having fun with you. i don't want it to end just yet."

"i think i can handle one more." it was a total lie, but you didn't know it yet. the next song was more upbeat than the last, but alexia didn't move any further away from her. you could feel her hips press against your ass with each movement that she made. alexia was dancing with you like before, only closer now. it was reminscent of something that you hadn't experienced in quite some time.

alexia kept her hands around you even after the song had ended. the two of you made your way towards the booth, where several of your teammates were not sitting as well. alexia sat down first, and without hesitation, pulled you into her lap. they all quieted down at the sight of you, but neither you nor alexia missed the looks on their faces.

"problem?" alexia asked. her arm was snaked protectively around your waist, and as patri moved in closer, alexia's arm tightened. she had already been holding you tightly, but the addition of force managed to pull a squeak from you that unfortunately did not go unheard by anybody.

"the free show was nice, even if this isn't that kind of club," patri teased as she tapped on the tip of your nose. you swatted her hand away as you cursed at her in german. frido and ingrid's faces went red at your words, but they didn't let patri in on what you had said.

"what is that supposed to mean?" alexia asked.

"are you so oblivious that you don't see how turned on (y/n) is with her on your lap, capi? i mean, look at her. it's a shock that she's not squirming," cata pointed out. you grumbled as you tried to hide your hands. alexia looked at you questioningly, and when you refused to meet her gaze, she realized that there was a lot of truth to their words.

"you, uh… you… i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you… i mean…" alexia stumbled through her words unlike anything you had ever seen before. the girls at the table laughed at her, which made a bit of anger flare up inside of you.

"hey, it's okay. you didn't know," you said sweetly. alexia bit her lip as you turned in her lap and cupped her cheeks. "i asked you to dance with me. besides this isn't anything that won't pass eventually."

"aren't you embarrassed?" alexia asked. she looked really guilty, and you wanted to kiss the pout off of her lip.

"it's fine, ale. if you really feel bad, you can buy me breakfast or something tomorrow morning," you told her. alexia looked confused for a moment before the cheering and hollering of your teammates clued her in. with that, she quickly stood up and walked you out of the club and away from them. you both knew alexia wouldn't just sleep with you, but you were surprised when she let you come over and stay the night with her anyway.

[faberown]

IS ADAM A MISOGYNIST?

Answer: NO. And this should be obvious to anyone with some brain.

But let's try to give more explanations. First of all, let's start outside from the show, and answer a more important question:

IS ADAM A MISOGYNIST IN THE BIBLE?

Well, no. Actually, Adam in the Bible is one of the characters that respect and love women the most, which is ironic considering the time when such things were written (let's remember that until less than 200 years ago women were considering PROPERTY of the men). But then, why is Adam considered a misogynist today? Well, because a problem that unfortunately has afflicted us for a long time: people forget that the mentality of people when the myths were written was very different from today, and what means one thing for us at the time meant another. But unfortunately people don't understand this concept, because it is much easier to read and interpret in a literal way, or rather, in a way that conforms to their own thoughts, so as to justify their beliefs.

Let's take for example another famous myth, that of Hades and Persephone. Many modern interpretations see it as a kidnapping, but the truth is that Hades never kidnapped Persephone: before picking her up, in fact, he had asked permission from Zeus, her father (and also his brother... who was the brother of Demeter, the mother of Persephone... so he married the daughter of his brother that was born from an incest between his brother and his sister... yes, the Greek gods were the embodiment of Sweet Home Alabama). Only after Zeus had given him permission to marry Persephone had Hades gone to get her, because again, daughters at the time were PROPERTY of the male parent; not CUSTODY, just PROPERTY. The mother and daughter had no right to say anything. So, in fact, a kidnapping never existed: Hades simply went to take what belonged to him. Not only that, but Hades behaved in an unusual manner for the time: instead of immediately taking advantage of Persephone as was his right, once in the Underworld he courted her and treated her with extreme respect. He has never cheated on her and has always sincerely loved her (they are literally the ONLY healthy couple in Greek myth), and he himself even proposed the deal to Demeter when he realized that she sincerely wanted to spend time on the surface being the goddess of spring.

See? If we don't base ourselves on a literal interpretation of the myth but rather integrate it with the culture and mentality of the time, suddenly what seemed like an act of violence becomes one of the most beautiful couples in all of Greek mythology, which in fact they were. Now, let's try to apply the same reasoning with Adam, Lilith and Eve.

First let's make one thing clear: Lilith DOESN'T exist in the Bible, so here, to avoid too much confusion, we will simply talk about sacred texts, but that doesn't change much since they were written in very close times. Now, was Adam a bad husband for Lilith? Obviously not. That is a modern feminist literal interpretation of the myth, because they wanted to find at all costs a way to criticize religion and patriarchy (and no, I'm not mad at feminists, I'm simply mad at all those who misinterpret something just to justify their beliefs). In this myth, as we well know, Adam and Lilith had to have sex and she didn't want to be under him, and he replied that she always had to be under him. The problem? Again, the mentality of the time was different. To begin with, the idea of ​​the time was that "sacred" sex, and therefore the only sex allowed in Eden given that it was an earthly Paradise, was only that aimed at procreation; and to procreate, according to the mentality of the time (a mentality that has persisted until very recent times), the only right position was that of a missionary, otherwise the child wouldn't be born (in fact the prostitutes stayed on top not to risk getting pregnant). Is this false? Of course, but for the mentality of the time it was absolute reality. So what Adam is saying to Lilith is not "You must be submissive to me, slave woman you must obey me patriarchy blah blah blah", but rather "sorry, but I can't magically change the position of our organs, if we want to have sex we have to do it this way, so just accept it". Basically, it is as if today a woman wanted to get pregnant by only having oral sex, and after her boyfriend points out that it is impossible she accuses him of being misogynistic: who would you side with? So no, Adam never tried to impose himself on Lilith, Lilith was simply a bitch who wanted to do everything as she wanted and thought she could go against even her own nature. And considering what she did AFTER she escaped from Eden, it's very clear how out of her mind she was; I won't go into detail, just know that she has a long history of cannibalism, rape and pedophilia.

Let's talk about Eve now; again, the idea that she was subservient to Adam arises from a modern feminist misinterpretation. Eve was created from Adam's rib to be "more docile", but then again, "docile" thousands of years ago didn't mean "submissive" at all. "Docile" was considered synonymous with "affectionate, loving, faithful, gentle", and did not take into account submission to the master or anything like that, which in fact had another name. Eve was therefore not created from Adam's rib to be his servant, but rather because in this way they would both complete each other and love each other in the purest and deepest way (the classic saying "I love her as if she were a part of me") . It is, in a certain sense, a variant of a Greek myth that saw all people once united, only to be divided by the gods, and therefore destined to seek their other half through love. In fact, Adam and Eve were a united couple and loved each other madly, to the point that Adam, in many variants of the Bible and even in more modern works such as Milton's Paradise Lost, eats the forbidden fruit because he doesn't want to separate from Eve (which places him, by symbolism, in a heroic way but also as a worse sinner than her, given that he chooses mortality and desire instead of divine grace). In some other versions, even, God doesn't free them together but places them in different places on Earth, so that, after the initial quarrel due to the forbidden fruit, they understand how much they need each other and seek each other, and then reunite in love and begin humanity.

Alright, and with that, we're done with the "accurate biblically story" part. Personally, I was very disappointed that Viv didn't use the real version but limited herself to choosing the extremely wrong modern feminist one, given that I think the original one is much more interesting. But now, let's go further and move on to the second big question:

IS ADAM A MISOGYNIST IN HAZBIN HOTEL?

Hazbin Hotel clearly presents many differences with the sacred texts, to the point of creating a mythology more in its own right than being a reflection of the real one; consequently, let's try to look at it without taking into account what actually happened in the Bible. But even in this case, if we exclude the story described in Charlie's book (which has so many holes that it is impossible not to consider it false, especially considering it was written by those who are described as revolutionary heroes, something never confirmed by any other character of the series), then Adam is not a misogynist at all. Let's analyze his character: all his best soldiers are women and he never shows any doubt that they would know how to do what, since time immemorial, has been considered a man's job; his right hand is a woman and he allows her to speak back on him and even boss him around sometimes; his boss is a woman and even when they disagree he still respects her authority; and the list is still long. The only times he seems to despise women is when he talks to Vaggie, but it is clear that in that moment he is despising her more than women, since she is a traitor and an enemy. Haven't you ever seen a movie where the villain takes advantage of the situation to make fun of the hero, behaving in a way he didn't behave with his henchmen or allies? Well, this is basically the same. Should we consider him misogynistic because when he talks to Charlie he makes silly jokes and pranks and proudly talks about his experiences? I expect such behavior from a slightly rude person, certainly not from a misogynist. Based on this logic, Alastor (who slaps Vaggie on the ass in the pilot) and Lucifer (who objectifies Eve and Lilith by talking about them as if they were trophies during the battle) are misogynists too. It's just a ridiculous thought.

In particular there is a scene in which I want to focus to demonstrate his total absence of misogyny, namely the moment in episode 6 when he and Lute notice Charlie and Vaggie in Heaven. In that scene, Lute grabs him by the collar and orders him not to speak loudly, with a very rude attitude to boot. Not only this is a total lack of respect given the different rank that they have (let's not forget that he is her superior, moreover in a military context, where discipline and respect are considered fundamental and absolute), but it also destroys any idea that Adam might be a misogynist for one simple reason: he lets her do it. People tend to forget this because Adam acts like an idiot and Lute acts like the bossy one, but the difference in strength between them is enormous. Lute is good at fighting with an angelic spear, but Adam can summon weapons, shatter magical shields with a punch, open portals, fire beams of power equal to the most powerful laser on Earth, and even defeat Charlie who in power level is equal or even superior to the Deadly Sins except for Lucifer. Adam can literally pick up Lute and break her bones like she's a breadstick, and no one could scold him for anything since he, being the general of the army, has the authority to give punishments if he feels there is a lack of discipline. If Adam had been a misogynist and a woman had dared to treat him that way, he would have immediately reestablished his authority by punching her in the face, or at least threatening her; instead, he lets her do it and listens to her advice, and he even seems genuinely sorry after she makes an offended face because of an unkind comment of his. Let's said it again: Adam, a being who can fight on equal terms with the princess of Hell and win, doesn't get angry after being treated badly and with disrespect by a woman inferior to him, but rather listens to her and follows her advice. Does this seem misogynistic to you?

So, to conclude, no, Adam is not a misogynist, he's just a slightly rude person who thinks his jokes are funny (and it must be said that no one ever contradicts him). He's like the classic pompous friend that any of us have had in life. Calling him misogynistic means to have no clue what misogyny, or patriarchy, is. Viv's problem (as unfortunately with many others) is that she uses words to describe her characters without really knowing what they mean, and she relies on her personal experiences (extremely subjective and without any objective value for the rest of the world) to write them. If Adam is indeed based on an ex-boyfriend, then that ex-boyfriend was just a ridiculous pompous prideful guy who didn't know what education was, certainly not a misogynist. I don't wish for Viv to meet a true misogynist in her life, but if that will happen she will immediately understand how stupid she was to describe Adam as one.

[heychucklenuts]

RED vs BLU Merc Name Headcanons + Differences

Within TF2 it's a bit ambiguous as to whether the BLU Mercenaries are clones of the RED Mercs, if they're Doppelgangers, or some other third thing. I like to think they're Doppelgangers, and as a result, this post is gonna be both my headcanons for the names of the RED and BLU mercs (obviously canon names such as Demo or Engie's will be left in tact). Also slight comic spoilers may apply so be wary for that.

I'll not only showcase the Mercs names, but also differences between them.

If a Mercs name is the same color as their team (so, the name is red or blue), that means that is their canon name. If only one part of the name is highlighted, that is the only canon part of the name.

Without further ado, the names for the Mercs:

Scout

RED: Jeremy Herring Surname taken from one of the surnames Jerma985 has been known with: Harrington. Unsure whether this is his real surname or another cruel joke. Also a slight pun with Red Herring. His first name should be a bit obvious here, as he's named after Jerma. BLU: Jesse Alibert Honestly I've probably thought of the name because of Jesse Pinkman, unfortunately. Surname is another variation of one of Jerma985's perceived surnames, this time being the world famous Elbertson surname.

Differences:

Jeremy is well known for being the rough and tough Bostonian he is, having grown up as the runt within a family of seven (7) older brothers. He's fought his way to get what's his, and he makes sure nobody stands in the way of him and what he wants. Jesse on the other hand is someone who you shouldn't fuck with. He grew up as the older brother to a little sister, so obviously, he grew protective of her, and has beaten plenty of guys up as a result. You cross him once, you're already on a watch list. Cross him twice? Obituary.

Soldier

RED: Jane Doe This is Soldier's already perceived name, a name given to either unidentified women, or women who's names are being withheld for other reasons. And what's to say this isn't his real name? BLU: Annie Roe As much as I wanted to go down the road of just calling him "John Doe, I felt that to be a little too easy. So, I looked up a list of placeholder names used aside John and Jane Doe, and ended up combining two placeholder names, one used primarily in the UK (Anne Other/A N Other), and another US variant of the placeholder, this time Jane Roe. I chose to change his name to Annie for two reasons: Annie Oakley, and there was an American clinical psychologist and researcher by the name of Anne Roe, so I wanted differentiation.

Differences:

Jane is who we know best, our jingoistic, lead-poisoned patriot himself. He's reckless, he's loudmouthed, but nevertheless he is passionate about his livelihood, about his country, and about his team. To him, he's served his time in the armed forces, being a part of the great Gravel Wars. God bless Teufort. He tries his damnedest to be the authority of his team. Annie is on a similar page as Jane, not much difference between the two, outside of the fact he has been in the army before, though not for long. The biggest difference would be how he seems to be a bit more closed off than Jane, a bit more to himself. He doesn't seem to fully understand at times that there is a time and place to brawl.

Pyro

RED: Pyro or Lumbre The Pyro's name is one of mystery, though I'm going off a particular headcanon I have seen before, or a speculation Pyro may be from Mexico do to a lot of their cosmetics being Mexico-themed. Therefore, I'm not necessarily giving them a name, more a placeholder word, one that can mean fire or light depending on it's context. Why I say Pyro or Lumbre is that we never know, perhaps Pyro is their name. Name not highlighted do to it being Pyro's name as a Merc rather than their real name. Allegedly. BLU: Cryo or Tsumetai (冷たい) A bit of a different take on the Pyro, which I'll get into later in the differences between the Merc counterparts. Cryo would be short for Cryomaniac, an opposite to Pyro's full Pyromaniac title. The other name, Tsumetai, comes from Japanese. It describes more something feeling cold. than yourself being cold. And the reason for the Japanese name is because of another speculation, of people believing Pyro is Japanese do to their "Hadouken" taunt from holding the Shotgun or Flare Gun. Obviously this is a Street Fighter reference, and thus some believe Pyro to be Japanese as a result.

Differences:

Pyro is notorious for being ruthless on the battlefield, burning everything and everyone that they can. But, to them, it's not destruction. If anything it's creation. They're creating a lovely world of candy and unicorns, with all of their friends there to celebrate, and those from the other team there to play. Surely they're just having fun, right? ...Right? Cryo. The opposite to Pyro. They see the beauty in fire, yes. But they adore the opposite too. Ice so cold it burns your flesh, causing severe frostbite, and necrosis. But again... al they're doing too is just playing. They're bringing everyone into their winter wonderland, to make snowtanks their friends and having snowball fights with the other team. Ice can't hurt that bad... it's what makes some of the best desserts. It's what makes people happy on a hot day.

Heavy

RED: Mikhail/Misha Medved Heavy's name Mikhail, or Misha for short, is already known to be canon. As for his last name, I decided to go with one that revolved around his bear theme in the game, having 5 bear-related cosmetics, as well as his fighting and killing a bear in the comics. The surname itself means "bear" in several Slavic languages., as a side note. Funny enough in researching this, I saw a retired Ukrainian decathlete by a similar name. (Translated to Russian his name is Mikhail Medved, but in Ukrainian it's Mykhailo Medvid.) BLU: Yuriy Kaban I wanted to give BLU Heavy a similar name type assigned to RED Heavy; I.E. having a more common first name, and a surname based off of an animal to represent them. While part of me wanted to assign BLU Heavy a surname meaning wolf, I decided instead to give him a name meaning boar. And, supposedly I'll say, the word "kaban" translates to boar, or wild boar.

Differences:

Stoic yet lovable, Heavy cottles his beloved Sasha as he takes down enemies. Of course, don't take him as someone who's cold and ruthless, he can be warm and vibrant, especially given he's a big brother to Yana, Zhanna, and Bronislava. His love for Sandviches helping to feed all of the other mercs, and his love of (and doctorate in) Russian literature making him so well read. But again, don't doubt him. He's the same man who can turn around and slam a bear on it's back and kill it if he chooses to do so. Yuriy is a man shrouded in mystery... somehow a bit more so than Spy is. For whatever reason he'd rather keep his past hidden from everyone else. What is known is he has a younger sister, similarly to Misha. It's theorized he came from similar origins as Misha, but something happened to the majority of his family before being sent to the gulag. While as deadly as Misha, he practices gentler hobbies to relax, such as sewing, or reading. He likes to take book recommendations from the other Mercs, and maybe even from Misha himself.

Demoman

RED: Tavish Finnegan DeGroot A man of many names, three to be exact. And All of these names boast some sort of a significance, being there as references to different cultural terms. Those being Black Scots, Black Irish, and Black Dutch, in that order. The last two being in reference to black people who have some ties to either Ireland or the Netherlands, but those ties not being ethnic. Meanwhile with Black Scots, that's more in reference to those descendant of freed African house servants who stayed in Scotland. All that is in blue is referenced from Demoman's official TF2 Wikipedia pageb and I felt it nexessary to elaborate more on that as I've done with some of the other Merc's names, and their origins. BLU: Aulay/Owl Tuinstra His first name is an interesting one, with one of its name variants (or one of the Anglicized versions of his name) being Humphrey. Aulay has a certain feel to it though that, to me fits a Demoman, and his nickname Owl may showcase his personality versus the RED Demoman. The surname of Tuinstra is a mixed one, being of West Frisian and Dutch origins, and his surname could roughly translate to "inhabitant of a garden", Tuin meaning garden, and the West Frisian suffix -stra meaning inhabitant of.

Differences:

The loveable drunk himself, Tavish is someone who defies all logic by being able to drink heavily, and not feel a thing. Though being in love with his own liver has something to do with it. He's a dastardly foe shooting bombs for people to step on and blow themselves up. Tav himself is damn well a multi-millionaire too, holding down three jobs, even if his mom says he's lazy. He's hardworking, and he's someone you don't wanna fuck with. Coming from more humble beginnings than Tavish, Owl grew up on a farm his family owned, still receiving the same scoldings of not working hard enough, despite being a bit wealthier as an adult. Like Tav, he's a man who can pack scrumpy and other types of alcohol. His nickname Owl does give a hint as to who he is though, being logical, independent, and a bit curious about different things... including cracking the cosmde between the RED and BLU team's relationship.

Engineer

RED: August Conagher Not too much to say about the Engineer in RED, or his name. These two get to be our mystery Mercenaries for the time being. BLU: Dell Conagher The real Dell Conagher, as shown in both the story comics, and Loose Canon. There's not much that I can say about him, or his name, other than that the BLU Engineer is Dell Conagher.

Differences:

The Engineer in RED, the one who may be a little too interested in how to become robotic, but he isn't the Engineer we've come to know. August's past is for his eyes only, being someone of an unknown past, but of possible relation to Dell. He seems to deny that though... possibly angry at the man for keeping Radigan's plans and blueprints all to himself. Dell is who we have come to know as the Engineer. He's the lovable Texan with a bit of a sadistic streak at times, and someone who also holds plenty of secrets, namely from his team. He's loyal to The Administrator and to Mann Co. as a whole, God knows what would happened if he went against the company.

Medic

RED: Dr. Ludwig, Ludwig Humboldt, Joseph Ludwig The only thing that is confirmed regarding Medic's name is some aspect of it being Ludwig. It was thought for a while this may be his last name, due to page 208 of The Naked and The Dead. The only reason this ever got questioned was because of the Rottenburg map, and the pharmacy named Humboldt's Pharmacy. Due to some of Medic's past lore, this likely caused people to wonder if Ludwig was his first name, and the pharmacy being of his actual surname. Though there was also the name given by Gaming Heads when they were promoting the Medic figuring: that being Joseph Heliburger. Though this is said to be non-canon. So, while his name is left as Dr. Ludwig, or Mr. Ludwig, I could see his name being either or of the names I listed above as headcanons. BLU: Andrea Weis An example of me kind of just picking and choosing what felt right, for some reason this name stuck as a possibility for BLU Medic. The name Andrea can mean manly, and is of Greek origin, while Weis can mean clever, wise, or experienced, which I think fits with the Medic class as a whole. Not to mention the possibility of BLU Scout getting pissy with him and calling his Dr. Whizz, and getting a kidney removed as a result.

Differences:

Cruel, sadistic, a strong love for bones and gore. Dr. Ludwig is a strange figure of mysterious origins, and while he is someone who wants to experiment for his own pleasure, don't get the wrong idea about him. He's not entirely careless though, caring about his team, and their well-being. He shifts all medical logic in their favor, as well as all standard logic to ensure he owns all of their souls. That way, in life and in death, the team may always be united. Dr. Weis on the other hand is a much more careful figure, even if he does take a same sadistic pleasure in what he does. And unlike Dr. Ludwig, he's actually gone to medical school. Weis does his job, being the teams healer, but other than that, he's a bit more to himself, usually found in his lab studying, or working on an unnamed cadaver. He prefers the quiet, as the constant calls to him can get a bit grating on the ears. So much so to the point he's considered quitting, but the unlimited money is too worth it to leave.

Sniper

RED: Mick Mundy At least a half of his name has been confirmed, with Mundy being his surname, and what he seems to go by the most. As for his first name being Mick, I'm genuinely unsure if that's been officially stated as being his first name, seeing as it was just on the back of the box of the Sniper action figure. One thing to say though, if it turns out his name is Mick, part of me wonders if he's using a shortened version of the name Michael, and doesn't like people calling him by his first name. Not to mention his supposed first name seems to be a Crocodile Dundee reference (not surprising since he has the Crocodile Mun-Dee cosmetic.) Other than that, the surname Mundy is a bit rare to come by, and either comes from Norman or Irish origin, and could possibly mean "Son of Monday". And his birth name Mun-dee is offbranded Superman lore, if Superman were a sniper instead of a superhuman. BLU: Lawrence/Laz Walker Pivoting from RED Sniper to what I assume could potentially be a more common name. I'll be honest this was one of the names where is was a series of shrugs instead of thought, mostly due to Sniper cosmetics, and the fact some people may have believed his name to be Lawrence because of the Lawrence of Australia item set. (A reference to the 1962 film Lawrence of Arabia.) As for the nickname of Laz, I can only explain it as it sounds more like a name for a Sniper than Larry. Do not question me. As for his last name Walker, I just decided "fuck it", giving him the 14th most common last name in Australia, versus RED Sniper's more unique last name.

Differences:

Adopted to Mr. and Mrs. Mundy, hailing from New Zealand to then be shot to the surface, raised to be Australian. Mundy isn't cruel like Dr. Ludwig, quite the opposite. He takes his job seriously, every shot being calculated to a T. Not exactly the friendliest of people, seeing as his job has had him isolated for long periods of time, but he's not completely cold to his team. He hangs out with them, he has fun with them. Serious and stoic he may be, he's found a love for his job, and for his teammates. Contrary to popular belief, he does not smell like piss. He takes care of himself and makes sure he's fresh for the day. Laz was born and raised in Australia, living in one of the underground homes of Coober Pedy up until he became an assassin. A cozy life for him he wishes to return to, but the town of Teufort offers an odd familiarity to him. It isn't the same, no, but it suffices. Laz isn't so much cold as he is introverted, preferring to keep his peace rather than interact with the other Mercs too much. The more he's worked with Team Fortress though, the more he's opened up, telling the Mercs stories of when he was growing up, and what it was like to have to dust yourself off after using the bathroom, or getting knocked on the head by loose minerals. Cryo seems to try and help Laz fill in the void of that by dropping sand and pebbles on him at random.

Spy

RED: René Èviter With RED Spy, I wanted to give him a very common French name, as that's what I feel like suits him the best. Thus, I named him René. (Bonus points because in the back of my head I can hear his full name being Simon René Èviter, with him usually omitting his first name. That's a give or take though. As for his surname, Èviter... it roughly translates from French to "to avoid", which is both a pun off his spywork, and his role as Scout's father. BLU: Florent Mercier More of a unique name, to a degree, and there's a reason why I named him Florent which I'll elaborate on shortly. I'll say I believe him to be RED Spy's more sensitive counterpart, so giving him a name that may be seen as more delicate in nature (translating to "flowering" from French), was a good choice. His surname, I just chose at random. Though I had to pivot from calling him Mercer as that's more an English and Scottish (and I believe Catalonian) variant, whilst Mercier is the French version, translating to "merchant".

Differences:

René is a sneaky man, conniving and quick footed. Nothing is known about him, where he lived, or even really who he is. All that's known is you should watch your back for him... and that he's quite the ladies man, seeming to sweep the Scout's mother off her feet, as well as countless other women. Make no mistake, he can steal your lady like he steals control points. More on the side of planning before acting, and less of a braggart, Florent lives up to a delicate nature. He's not someone who shies away from confrontation, no. He'll take a person head-on for whatever it is they've tried to do to him. But he isn't as flashy as his RED counterpart, preferring to stay humble about his spending habits. In his case too, he seems to be a little more than just a ladies man, rumors circling around the base that he may have a fondness for men too...

This took way too long to work on by the way, couple that with my newfound headache.

Was gonna do age headcanons too but I wanna sleep.

[destinyc1020]

I have seen the discourse since the beginning and you have hit it on the head destiny about lookisim. Because Fran was not “conventionally attractive” (don’t agree btw), it opened her up to not just the racists but black people esp black men who pushed back on the people who were defending her and said “it’s not about racism, she is just not attractive enough to play Juliet.” A lot of black men repeated this narrative. A-lot of discourse from our own community as to why she was cast because it “set her up.” Alot of conversations about how they couldn’t buy into the narrative of the play if they don’t find her attractive. This galvanized by the typical racists out there created a snowball effect that lasted because a lot of people including black people agreed with it. I think black men should really examine how they treat black women and how they speak about them. I think that’s the saddest part that she wasn’t even protected by our own you know. It’s over now and hopefully everyone learned something from it. It’s funny, right when she was cast I remember an anon sent you a message saying “I hope everyone is respectful of her.” And I never forgot that. In the back of my mind I already knew there would be some discourse. I’ll be honest I didn’t expect her to be cast as she is not the typical look hollywood plasters all over but I thought it was fresh and new. I didn’t expect the barrage to this extent obviously. I don’t think Jamie thought about the current racism climate exacerbated by twitter. But it’s obvious that it we swapped out Tom for any of the famous white boys (Timmy, Austin, JE, Paul mescal) and cast Fran the response would have been the same. So as much as everyone would like to blame him, the knowledge that if we swapped him out the discourse would likely be the same tells me it’s the structural issue which is what Fran was trying to say I believe.

Yea, I totally agree Anon that there really needs to be a deeper conversation with Black men, and why they feel so emboldened to tear down their own Black women PUBLICLY. Like, I don't usually see any other race of men doing stuff like this. They may say stuff amongst themselves in private about their women, but usually, you do not see such hatred and vitriol being spread publicly online towards women of their own race like that. 🥴

To me, it's a form of mental illness, and deeply-rooted self hate. 😔

I don't think Fran is unattractive at all. There's a saying a woman (forgot who) once said lol. She said, "There are no ugly women, just lazy ones". Smthg to that effect lol 😆

I think her point was that ANY woman can look "good" if they just put effort into their looks. Especially with the tons of makeup available out here. A ton of people (women AND men) could look better than they do if they were to just put forth more effort in their looks. Some people are just naturally more physically attractive than others (true), but those who weren't blessed in the genetics can also look much better than they do with a little "cleaning up". Some people really do "clean up" well! 😁😃

Fran doesn't live in superficial LA. So she's not going to look like an "Insta Baddie". To me, she looked like a regular Black woman from the UK. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Her looks are cute! She just isn't "done up".

Most of Jamie's R&J production seemed very minimalist and austere tbh, so it's not surprising that Juliet wasn't wearing pounds of makeup.

I also agree with you that if ANY other popular (emphasis on popular) white male had been cast in the role of Romeo, the jokes and racist comments would have been the same unfortunately. 🥴

I honestly didn't expect there to be THIS much backlash and racist hate myself.... It just - unfortunately - shows what type of society we live in. 😔

[criphd]

ann ardis in new women, new novels just takes as a matter of course that the discourse that names 'the new woman' is coherent enough to be directly responding to actual literal real women, but i dont think that should be just beleived, considering the dispersed & nascent way that women were for example joining the work force [for middle class women more specifically]... especially considering much of the exploration / creation of the parameters of 'the new woman' was by conservative & reactionary men + women who were like decrying & creating a monstrous woman figure that basically didnt actually exist lol [if only she had, she seems soooo sexy]

i did rly like her introductory chapter but she just immediately starts off by talking about the name as opposed to trying to write an argument that says 'yes there was a new woman movement' when evidently there wasnt just like.... women existing.... doesn't mean u can start deciding they r 'new women' or not bc that shows how baseless the whole framework is... or just like women continuing to be talked about a lot like they have been the whole victorian era .... that's not new !.... how discourse abt the 'new woman' is really different to 'the woman question' is not clear to me at all either lol

it's soooo obvious that the 'new woman' is basically an entirely constructed persona for the literary and art world & has barely any impact for political women - like the fear abt women does come from their behaviour & politics to some degree [but then misogyny is misogyny is misogyny so....], but not in the sense of an actual movement with genuine political aims or organising to be clear!!!.... to be fair i think ardis is mostly aware of it but i just think like i'm not convinced by her argument or assumption that the discussion of women in periodicals is uniquely different from other early discussion & criticism of her, at least from the 1860s there's such a clear through line, the only link is the woman part, not that there's some distinct seperation out

also feel like this is a rly annoying way to talk abt proto/feminist politics without saying that like socialism was Big with Women at some points but u dont like explicitly political women so instead its all vague & acts like women as a class have loyalty to eachother when unfortunately they do not !!! or getting into the intense conservatism of a lot of these famous victorian protofeminists who u just want to like girlbossify & ignore how much they loved imperialism for example [i dont think ann ardis is doing this so much... this is just more general ig]

[nomi--sunrider]

Then, Now, and Always

Chapter 46: Then, Now, and Always

Summary: The end of the war and everything that comes after.

Image Credit: Screencapping-BadWolfKaily, Editing-Sel Queen's Courtesan

Author's Note below the cut. Contains spoilers for the chapter so read the chapter first.

Thanks everyone for reading Then, Now, and Always. My biggest creative project of the past year and as of now, my best work. This fandom has given me so much, from badly needed dopamine during my first year of grad school to a lovely excuse to go to London for my first ever con! I've discovered so much new music and so many new artists, developed crushes on a ton of great actors, and expanded my creative world so much. I can't believe the fic is finished. I'll sure miss it, but I'm excited to do other awesome things.

If anyone is interested, here is a link to an app/website called Lingvano. It comes highly recommended by deaf folks as a way for (hearing) people to learn ASL from deaf people. If I could write this fic again, I'd put actual deaf characters in it and maybe give Tally a deaf teacher. From research, I've learned it's better to study ASL from deaf folks, as they speak it as it's meant to be spoken and it's also their language in general. Unfortunately, Lingvano costs $9.99 per month after the free trial. Worth it in my opinion, as it's a very well-done site.

At the end of this post, there's a link to a playlist of music I listened to while writing the fic. I put liner notes of sorts below because I always get excited when other authors do that. However, you're welcome to listen however you like.

The Playlist

Chasing Twisters - Delta Rae : If Then, Now, and Always had a theme song, it would be this.

Salvation - LP : Honorable Mention

The Night We Met - Lord Huron : A guest commenter called Song Fairy recced this song to me in the Chapter 28 comments. You could listen to it anywhere in the fic, but Chapter 2 is reasonable enough to get a taste of what's coming.

X-Training - Henry Jackman : To be listened to during Chapter 11 during Tally's retraining montage.

Come to Your Senses - Alexandra Shipp, Vanessa Hudgens : It amuses me that this song is two women singing to Andrew Garfield because in my opinion, it's the best lesbian love ballad ever written for musical theater. Accompanies Chapter 12: The Twilight of Witchkind.

Say Something - A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera : I'm guessing it's obvious, but if it's not, this goes with Chapter 13: Say Something.

This is Me - Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble : To be listened to with Chapter 15: Silent Witch, when Tally grabs the world by the nostrils and forces it to acknowledge her.

Ugly Heart - G.R.L : Could be listened to anywhere in the Chapter 16-19 realm where Sarah and Tally are both raging, both mad, sort of at each other, but mostly in general.

Evermore - Josh Groban : SpookyWitchling mentioned this song in the comments of Chapter 16: By Hand, specifically. I like it more as an Alder song, maybe at the end of Chapter 17: The Downside of Miracles, but you may do as you wish.

Laid Low - The Naked and Famous : This song has made Top 5 in my Spotify end of year playlist since 2016. It's a banger, it has anime AMV energy, I love it, and I think it's goes well with the Arc II finale, Chapter 25: Battle of the Goddesses.

If I'd Known I Loved Her - Delta Rae : I love this song so much. I first heard it in September 2022, back when TNAA was a mere twinkle in my eye, and I was like "Holy shit, this is Alder's half of the love story." Goes with Chapter 26: If I'd Known.

History Has Its Eyes on You: Christopher Jackson, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton : The main difficulty of writing the third act was Tally's character arc. At first, it was her overcoming her squeamishness and fear of getting hands dirty by killing Hearst in the finale. This felt supremely unsatisfying to me, and I realized this was because it was Tally's Arc II character journey, which was tied off in Chapter 25: Battle of the Goddesses. Readers might have missed it because it was an Alder POV chapter, but Chapter 25 is Tally's Arc II character climax. She takes control of Alder's mind during their duel, showing she's willing to fight dirty, punch below the belt, and do whatever it takes to survive, and she betrays Nicte to save the Spree, showing she can put her personal feelings aside to protect her people. Everything I'd planned for Arc III Tally, I actually gave to Arc II Tally. So I had to think of something else.

This song got me to where I needed to be to write Arc III Tally. At this point, it's not really about her personal internals, but about her journey as a leader and what she's going to do to change the world and lead witches into a future of peace. Yeah I know. It got really plotty and philosophical. But everything worked out! And I think it's way better than my original plan.

Stand by You - Rachel Platten

Human - Cher Lloyd

I like either or both of these for Chapters 28 and 29, Alder's Folly and The Seed of Revelation, Tally's POV which then slides into Alder's POV. They're ballads, bangers, and they work on numerous levels, which is cool.

All I Ask of You - Josh Groban, Kelly Clarkson : The song that led to me becoming a Kelly Clarkson stan. Her new album, Chemistry, is amazing. Listen to this song with Chapter 32: Past, Present, Future, when Tally is soothing Alder's fears and musing about their future.

Tally Two / What's the Plan / F-14 - Harold Faltermeyer : The main reason this fic is so aircraft-heavy is because I started writing it in October 2022, when Top Gun: Maverick came out on streaming. Listen to this song during Chapter 33: Into Darkness.

Zen Ball Master - John Powell, Hans Zimmer : It's not perfect, but I think the first half of the song suits the firefight scene in Chapter 35: Tally's Gift, when Tally, Sarah, and the Biddies are fighting their way out of the death factory.

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) : I listened to this on repeat when I wrote Chapter 39: Nafssia. I knew what the chapter would be, I knew what Tally would do, and I knew I had to bring the fucking house down, which is why it took going to England, experiencing Witchbomb, and getting smiled at by Lyne Renee to pull it off.

One Less Witch in the World - Brandon Roberts : I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this, but the Motherland soundtrack is disproportionately amazing. Like...why didn't they spend that money on better writers? Or idk, a few more episodes in each season? Doesn't matter. This song is awesome, but I think it works well with Chapter 44: One Less Witch in the World, during the third section where they're diverting the Accords.

Dance with Everybody - Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Who Do You Love - Marianas Trench

Better Place - Rachel Platten

Three end credits songs. I like imagining Sarah and Tally enjoying a wonderful Beltane together with Dance with Everybody and/or Who Do You Love as the backing track. In my mind, if it's Who Do You Love, Tally runs over to the drums for heavy drums section during the bridge and uses her touch-empathy to play alongside the rest of the drummers. She doesn't have a voice, so I like imagining her learning to play instruments so she and Sarah can still make music together. Better Place works well as a fade-to-black song during the domestic bliss at the end of the fic.

[lunarfleur]

The Outsider’s music au thoughts

I did this for myself bro

Tagging: @collieflower215 @sophie-i-guess13 @sparklenarniawizard @aint-we-the-hoi-polloi @whyareyouhere66 @juneberrie

Mr. and Mrs. Curtis

The boys’ parents were what sparked their musical inspiration. Their mother played piano and had a lovely voice. Their father played guitar and sung a bit, he had 2 guitars.

Darrel Curtis

Darry uses his musical ability to make money for bills and stuff. He plays guitar and sings, but also knows some basic piano. He goes busking near the town’s busiest areas and plays at bars and restaurants and gets paid that way. Everyone once and a while he makes in some good money and uses it towards making life his brothers a little better.

In case you didn’t know, guitars are expensive. Darry only has one, an old and well loved classical guitar. Because he struggles with money so much, he’s learned the basics of guitar repair. He makes some extra money this way because other musicians with not a lot of money will go to him and get their guitars repaired for a cheap price.

Darry got one of his father’s guitars, the other one unfortunately had to get sold because Darry was having extra problems with money.

Sodapop Curtis

Soda was a mama’s boy. It was common for him to be found next to his mother on the bench of the piano that they have. His mother taught him everything she knew up until her death. Soda still plays. He knows the basics of guitar, a few chords and strumming patterns. But more than anything, he sings. His voice is a bit higher and the way he sings makes it obvious that he’s a theater kid. He sounds like he stars in musicals.

Soda’s a theater kid. Not only does he have a beautiful voice, he’s pretty and a good actor. This, of course, gets him the lead male role in every musical and every play.

The majority of his dreams revolve around theater. He wants to be on broadway. He wants to be famous. He wants his name in lights.

Ponyboy Curtis

Pony is naturally just very talented. He’s great and piano and, even though he doesn’t really want to learn, he’s pretty good at guitar too. His voice, though, is his biggest asset. It’s very beautiful and he has a pretty wide range.

Pony doesn’t really want anything too big for his life. He wants to be a solo musician who’s always heard on the radio. He wants his music to be the music everyone always quiets down for, the music everyone turns up.

Since he’s just a kid, he doesn’t really do anything with his talent except practice alone. He’s got a bit of stage fright, so playing in front of others is hard. But he always plays for his brothers, always. Pony doesn’t see it, but when he sits at that piano, Darry swears he looks like their mother.

Two-Bit Mathews

Some of you might disagree with this, but Two is a jazz musician. Due to his talent in shoplifting, he owns a trumpet and an alto saxophone. Surprisingly, no one knows he stole them.

He can’t sing or dance for shit but is considered the Miles Davis of Tulsa. He’s a huge fan of Louis Armstrong and is always found covering his songs. He also really like Chet Baker, who is my personal favorite jazz musician.

Two plays at a lot of bars. He has some friends back him up while he plays either his trumpet or his sax. He’s a crowd favorite because, not only is he good, he cracks the funniest jokes in between songs. It’s never a dull night when Two-Bit plays.

Steve Randle

Steve’s kind of like the Elvis Presley of the group, if we’re talking about backstory. Before his family found their way to Tulsa, he lived in a small, very poor, predominantly black town. But, despite having little money, it was always thriving with music. All around town you could find women with powerful voices. At least half the houses in every street had someone who could play guitar.

That’s what Steve does, plays guitar. His favorite person in that whole town was this old man who lived a few houses down. He’s always have his guitar and harmonica out and would always play for the kids around. Everyone loved him. They all called him Old Man Robbie, though his real name was Robert Jones. He was a wise man who always told Steve to take his time with life. “You can afford to lose a day or two,” he always said. When Steve asked, Old Man Robbie gladly taught him guitar. The guitar Steve owns belonged to Robbie. It’s what Robbie gave him right before he passed.

Steve doesn’t do much with his talent except do what Old Man Robbie did. He sits around town and plays for kids. Steve swears up and down he doesn’t like children, but no one believes it.

Johnny Cade

Johnny is Pony’s best friend. He spends most of his time helping Pony with his original songs, giving his opinions and helping with alterations.

Johnny wants to play guitar, more than anything. I, personally, headcanon Johnny as black. But despite this, he wasn’t really educated on black musicians. He was also so focused on surviving the night that he never really bothered to learn. But Steve introduced him to some of his favorite musicians and Johnny fell in love.

He wants to be able to play like T-bone Walker. Johnny loves T-bone Walker.

Dallas Winston

Dally grew up in New York. New York, for a long time, has been the home of genres like jazz, rock, soul, R&B, funk, and the blues. Dallas, however, cannot stay away from country. Yeah, you read that right.

Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, he loves it all. Dallas is a good guitarist and he’s got a solid voice, too. He doesn’t wear cowboy hats or boots, but he’s typically the one people think of when they think of country musicians around Tulsa.

Angela Shepard

Angela is a jazz singer. She’s got that beautiful, raw voice. Think of a mix of Amy Winehouse and Ella Fitzgerald. She’s got a kind of control over her voice you don’t find just lying around somewhere.

Angela can play guitar and piano, and that’s what helps her write her songs, but when she performs at bars someone else does it for her. Angela writes the guitar and/or piano parts for her songs.

Tim Shepard

The Shepard brothers are Angela’s backup. Tim plays bass and does back up vocals.

He picked up bass pretty quickly. Tim got inspired by some various jazz bassists like Paul Chambers. He’s nonchalant about his talent, but he’s always playing it.

His playing style with Angela is much different than what he plays by himself. He writes his own bass lines, but makes sure his bass playing fits Angela’s songs. When he plays by himself though, it’s much more complicated. It’s a bit faster and has quicker note changes.

Curly Shepard

Curly plays guitar. He prefers electric, but never complains when Angela makes him play acoustic because Tim will be on his ass.

Curly’s talented. His strive to be the star is what fuels his practicing. He could go places, make wonderful songs like Go Johnny Go. But he doesn’t want to leave his siblings behind, so he stays as Angela’s backup.

Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s paranoia. Nonetheless, Curly knows he can’t handle himself without Tim. He has what would happen to him planned out, he’s overthought about it so much. He’d start out good, getting popular and eventually famous, but then it would become too much for him to handle and he’d start doing drugs, most likely shooting up, then die from an overdose young, depressed, and alone.

But Curly likes playing for Angela. Actually, he loves it. Because she loves it. Watching her run to him with a new guitar part she’s written, hearing her sing, it’s a grounding experience for him. No matter what he says or does, Curly loves his sister. Singing makes Angela happy, so it makes Curly happy, too.

[nofoxgiven]

OK well now I'm thinking about it a bunch

So my great grandpa died to cancer when I was in 6th or 7th grade, it was the first and to this day, only major death in my life so to say it had an impact on me is a bit of an understatement

First off, he was the only male role model in my life, like ever. My dad walked out on me before i was born, and my step dad was such a piece of shit I never considered him any kind of father figure, just a leach living in the same house who happened to be married to my mother and have donated sperm for my siblings

My mother's father *also* walked out on her

I have a singular uncle, and while he's an awesome guy now, he was literally a teenager unpacking a lot of complex trauma himself while I was growing up

I don't think my family really... worried? At all about the whole lack of male role models thing, I was a girl after all, I can learn everything I need to know from all these women around me

Except I'm not a woman, and it would be really nice to have a standard to hold myself to

For a while I considered my grandpa, he was a veteran, he took care of my grandma, my memories of him are mostly good

But unfortunately he died when I was too young to be smart enough to make sure I got to know him. I know he liked wood working, I've got a rocking horse he made me, it's in our garage. And a half finished dollhouse he started when I was 5, and died before he ever finished it

My memories of him are almost entirely of him in his lazyboy, before things got bad, and then in his hospital bed when they got real bad

I've got maybe a handful of memories from when I was real young before he was old and tired and sick, riding around on the four-wheeler with him in the Alaskan wilderness, helping with chores around the cabin, that sort of thing

But I didn't truly know him, and the more stories I hear from my mom the more... the more I'm glad I didn't? I don't want to sully the memory of the only male rolemodel from my family I've got, so I'll leave it at he was certainly a product of his time, and as an old white Christian man I'm certain you can guess what sort of opinions he held I do not

All this to say I clearly have a complicated relationship with my memory of and the legacy of my great grandpa

I remember pretty clearly the last time I saw him, it was the weekend, we drove the 2 hours to my grandparents house in the literal middle of nowhere

I remember staring at a bowl of soup someone had put in front of me, my great grandma's famous chicken corn chowder. This soup has caused fist fights over who gets to take the leftovers home. I couldn't eat any of it

It was very obvious to everyone this was a final hurrah, grandpa hadn't been talking or doing much of anything for weeks and now he was insisting people come talk to him and making people call family out of state. He knew. We knew.

There was a whole lot of sitting around just hugging people and crying and that's all a blur, but when he called me over, I remember exactly what he said and I think I always will. Some of it I'm keeping close to my chest because that was for me only, but he ended it with "Please add more color to your life"

12 year old me did not take that to heart. I was goth/emo and proud of it and I wasn't about to let some dead old guy tell me how to dress

But I did actually take it to heart. By 9th grade I had a fully rainbow coat from one of those Indian import stores, I wore it every single day of high-school until eventually it fell apart to the point I couldn't. I've worn mismatched brightly colored or rainbow socks just as long. Most of my clothes are still black and gray, but I hang up colorful art all around me, I buy the most colorful water bottle I can find

In a weird way I think it helped me come to terms with my queer identity. I know he didn't mean "go be queer and happy" that man would have disowned me if he had lived long enough to see me go from his perfect granddaughter to a queer freak

But his urging to add color lead to a lot of queer people approaching me in my high-school years. Before I was ready to accept who I was, I was a walking billboard of queerness in my rainbow jacket, and that surrounded me with Trans and bi and lesbian and gay people and every flavor of queer, and gave me the space to explore myself and my identity in a way I might not ever have if I had just kept myself in my dark closet of shame

There is literally no point to this post, and I'll probably delete it before the end of the day. But boy is life complicated, and I sure am glad an old racist white man told me to add more color to my life, maybe I'll pretend to have forgotten all the shit my mom's told me

[marjaystuff]

Murder Wears A Hidden Face by Rosemary Simpson

Gilded Age Mystery Book 8

Kensington Pub

Nov 28th, 2023

Murder Wears A Hidden Face by Rosemary Simpson is more historical than mystery.  Readers gain the ability to learn about social issues of the time which becomes front and center to the plot that also includes a murder.

“When I first started the series, I had a list of events that I wanted to include, one of which was the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 in the US.  I knew I had to send my two protagonists to Chinatown. All my books in the series dealt with historic events or social problems of the era such as the Reconstruction, Jack the Ripper, and abuse of women. I just did not want these as background but as another character in the book.” 

The plot begins with Former Pinkerton detective Geoffrey Hunter and his partner, socialite lawyer Prudence MacKenzie invited to attend an exhibition of Chinese Art Objects at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Unfortunately, they view more than just art as they watch in horror when Peng, the Chinese diplomat, is stabbed to death by an assailant who escapes. Rumors circulate that Peng had fallen out of favor while serving in London making it likely that the family fortune will be confiscated, and the son executed in his place.

“The Peng Family was completely fictional, but I based them on other diplomatic families I read about, mainly in England. The family was wealthy and noble with the father as a diplomat. The Chinese had a diplomat in England before the US. They came to the US under the protection of diplomatic immunity which was lost when the father was murdered.  Although his bones were repatriated back to China. I also put in some cultural aspects of the Chinese.  For example, the mother and daughter had bound feet, something common at that time.  To preserve their aristocratic status the women had to have bound feet.”

Because of the Chinese Exclusion Act, the family can no longer stay in the US.  They enlist the services of Geoffrey and Prudence and decide to hide in Chinatown with the help of Peng’s estranged brother.  But there is a price, Peng’s son must become his uncle’s apprentice in crime, while his eldest daughter will be forced to marry a Tong leader she has never met. Now it is up to Prudence and Geoffrey to find the killer before the family is found and deported.

“The Chinese Exclusion Act is the only law that is directed against a special ethnic group. It excluded Chinese from emigrating to the US for a ten-year period. There were exceptions for diplomats and academics. The US no longer needed this cheap source of labor, so they excluded this group.”

As in the last few books, both Prudence and Geoffrey are dancing around a relationship.  It was obvious that they cared very much for each other and took their breath away.  “The next book takes place in the theatre section of New York City. It is titled Death Takes the Lead, coming out in November 2024.  It begins with the death of an actor poisoned because he claims to have written a play that will be an enormous success.  Although a very famous actor/producer/director also claims he wrote the play. Prudence has an accident that was almost fatal. She and Geoffrey decide to formalize their relationship after the scare of her almost losing her life.”

[amatorfilozofus]

Why ‘there’s no such thing as society’ is regarded with moral revulsion

I was searching the internet for Margaret Thatcher’s famous (or should I say infamous) quote that ‘there’s no such thing as society’ to find out what exactly did she say. During my search I have found an article by professor Hugh McLachlan entitled ‘Why ‘there’s no such thing as society’ should not be regarded with moral revulsion’. So this post is reply to that article.

The central point of the discussion is a quote from Margaret Thatcher:

“There is no such thing as society. There is a living tapestry of men and women and people and the beauty of that tapestry and the quality of our lives will depend upon how much each of us is prepared to take responsibility for ourselves and each of us prepared to turn round and help by our own efforts those who are unfortunate.”

Boris Johnson alluded to this quote when he said that the coronavirus crisis had proved there really was such a thing as society. Professor McLachlan claims “There is no apparent rational basis to his assertion.” which Johnson makes. And regarding the Thatcher quote he says we shouldn’t regard it “with moral revulsion, as some sort of expression or defence of individualistic selfishness”.

Firstly I think professor McLachlan misses the whole point of Johnson’s statement. Saying that the coronavirus crisis had proved there really is a society simply means that we are dependent on each other and must work together. It is not a metaphysical claim about there being such an object as ‘society’.

With regards to the Thatcher quote I don’t think people regard it with moral revulsion because she is making some kind of unacceptable metaphysical statement. The problem usually that people have with this quote is that it assumes that individual responsibility is everything. We are responsible for ourselves and we are responsible for our neighbours, but this is quite unfair since not everyone starts from the same place. Some are more fortunate, have wealthier parents, attend better schools and some have poorer parents and attend worse schools, and all Thatcher has to say about this is: “well you have to take responsibility for yourself”. People, who regard this quote with moral revulsion believe that this situation is not acceptable, and we must do something to level the playing field by introducing welfare measures to help those in need. This is just what Thatcher didn’t want to do. She cut welfare spending and weakened labour unions. Unemployment was high during her years in office, and inequality increased. But according to her philosophy this is not a problem since everyone is responsible for him or herself so if they are unemployed it’s their fault and not her policies’ fault which she is implementing since “there is no society”.

Professor McLachlan says at almost the end of the article: “There is no obvious logical connection between the opinion that society does not exist and any particular political or moral stances. In particular, there is no intrinsic association with it and selfishness or with any opposition to altruism, social solidarity and cooperation.” He might be right about this but this is not really the point, we don’t treat Thatcher’s quote in a vacuum; we associate it with her politics, so when someone is against this quote he or she is against a particular neoliberal political stance. “There is no society” doesn’t just mean that society does not exist; it means to many people “you are on your own”.

I think I could even stop here, since it seems to me the quotes are not about the metaphysical question of the existence of society, but I would like to continue because as I see Professor McLachlan has two arguments against the existence of society.

For the first one he start with discussing Emil Durkheim’s views: “He (Durkheim) argued that the objects of study in sociology are ways of acting, thinking and feeling, which he called “social facts”. He argued that because they can have a causal effect upon individuals, social facts are just as real and just as objective as natural physical objects and forces. We can be affected by, say, public opinion or inflation as well as by something like gravity. For Durkheim, society is the ultimate “social fact”.” Then he says: “Many sociologists would say that, on the contrary, what appears to each and all of us as “social reality” is, to a greater or lesser extent, subjective. It is a product of our own social interactions and the meanings we attach to them. On this account, societies are like the sorts of “imagined communities” that nations are sometimes said to be.” I agree that there might be a subjective element to how people see these “social facts” in their life but this doesn’t make them unreal. Durkheim’s examples are public opinion and inflation, but we can go on with the examples: high unemployment rate, high inequality, low social mobility etc. These things do have effects on the lives of individuals and it does not make them merely subjective that individual people have different personal experiences of them.

The other argument is borrowed from Karl Popper: “The celebrated philosopher of science Karl Popper argued that societies do not exist. According to him, such collective terms refer to concepts, to theoretical entities that we construct to try to explain what actually exists and occurs rather than to existing things themselves.” I don’t think we can make a clear demarcation where we have merely theoretical entities and where do we have something “real”. Are numbers real or only theoretical entities? Molecules used to be considered “just” theoretical entities, before with the advance of science they are detectable. But if someone doesn’t like these examples then what about the wave function in quantum mechanics? Is that merely a theoretical entity or is it real? If we have a good explanatory theory which uses the concept of “society” then we should use it, and it makes no sense to claim it’s not really real. This is like having a problem in physics which we can solve by calculation but then taking it all back because numbers are not real.

In summary I don’t want to argue for or against the metaphysical existence of society. I think it is useful to discuss things like inflation, unemployment, social mobility, and when we discuss such things we usually use the word “society”. For me the usefulness of the word is enough to legitimate its use, and I think it is not fruitful to go metaphysical and ask “but does it really exist?”

[starlight-edith]

Let me try to respond to everything. I am someone who has cared about this since 2016, but has in-depth cared since 2020. I am a bisexual neurodivergent abuse victim, like Amber Heard.

People claiming that they are abused after their claim abuse is, unfortunately, a documented phenomenon. It is called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Unfortunately because women are more likely to be physical abuse victims, and especially bisexual women are abused an astronomical rate compared to heterosexual cisgender men, DARVO often involves praying on people’s misogynistic stereotypes (gold digger, cheater, histrionic). This does NOT mean it does not ever happen, but it is much more likely to be false if say a much less powerful woman with less wealth by a factor of over ten, says, filed for a restraining order, called the cops, kept a private diary to herself, and took photographs of her injuries.

What you are actually describing for yourself is similar to what happened to Amber. Despite being a man, you were the victim to Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender. Do you know what Depp’s defenders, and he himself used to latch onto her? Saying that MeToo meant women were always believed and men never were. Her allegations came out before the MeToo movement. Both the idea that a 13-year-old could “want it” and have power over her / that a person could leverage a movement that did not exist, or that women were universally believed are blatant and disgusting lies.

It is people acting as if the plain obvious truth of who has more power hinges on whatever lefties on twitter are saying. A trans boy before being abused by a 16 year old has no power. Neither does the person who is over two decades younger than a celebrity who was previously in a public pedophilic relationship with a 17-year-old and has a history of dating much younger women, who controlled where her closest friends lived and who was most famous for being his wife. Just because people can twist it using causes like “understanding the patriarchy” or “protecting male victims of abuse” doesn’t change the obvious truth. It’s not that either of those causes are wrong, but they do not apply in reality here. Also I am very sorry about what happened to you, and I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m overstepping to compare this.

I’m also an autistic person and an autistic woman and I’ve cried uncontrollably at seemingly random times when recounting my trauma just like Amber did on the stand. You’re right that body language analysis is garbage pseudoscience and has always been used to police and judge vulnerable people (using or actual police and carceral system to lock up people of color, disabled people, and LGBT people at a higher proportion than anyone else).

On other things about the case, I could go on and on and on about all of the fabrications Depp made and howe every one of them is debunkable. From the idea that the “burn and rape her corpse” texts were venting because claimed during the trial she was an “angel” at that time, to the idea that she shit in his bed and pretended it was the dog (he was actually the one DOCUMENTED to have wanted to make her step in his poop and pretend it’s their dog and sent this ideas to friend).

I agree that being an addict does not inherently make you abusive, but he blacked out frequently and had underlying jealousy and anger issues. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the pictures from the “finger incident” (the one where he claims she somehow exploded his finger off by throwing a bottle, yes you hear that right – and she claims he smashed it off in a rage), but he dipped his bloody finger stump in paint and while high and drunk and scrawled messages slut shaming her and telling her to “be careful at the top” – his team also has texted her apologies for kicking her while he was “blacked out” on a plane (that they tried to deny existed before he accidentally sent over more on his phone than he thought), and he called himself “the monster.”

His addiction was so bad that he involved Heard heavily in his recovery process and initially called her an “angel” to her mother and talked about how he would be dead without her. Addiction does NOT make a person inherently violent, but it can bring the worst out in you when you are already struggling, and it’s important to understand that it’s precisely because not everyone acts that way that it’s ultimately your responsibility what you do when you’re using substances.

As for the meme itself, I understand it’s a bit crass, and I don’t like the way it’s talked about so flippantly, but you have to understand that 95% of the internet were in Depp’s corner memeing rape testimony. That’s not the same thing as referring to Depp as Jack Sparrow. I think the point of it isn’t to make fun of him for being a silly pirate, it’s to make fun of fans who parasocially view him as a character he played instead of trying to understand what really happened and view things objectively. And it’s true that the hate campaign against her was full of sexism. I’ve seen people in left wing spaces crawl out of the woodwork and speak like 4 channers.

We have to acknowledge the misogyny on social media in the Depp vs. Heard case when the republican party posted a meme of Jack Sparrow after Depp won the case, when we are getting more and more fascist in this country every day. If this had somehow happened to a prominent trans man against an older and more powerful woman, it would also be necessary to acknowledge transphobia and point out if people had illogical parasocial attachments to the abusive woman. I don't like the way it's said completely, but I don't think it's making fun of male victims or even of Johnny Depp to point it out - and part of the snippiness or haughtiness is probably because of how hard it's been to hold onto the minority position of supporting Heard against a wave of support for Depp and bigotry surrounding it.

I’m sorry he what now-

Elvis part 2 electric boogaloo???

TL; DR feel free to not read the rest:

I think we’re on the same page here.

The online leftist space oftentimes makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It’s very reactionary. I’ve been harassed for asking simple questions I was genuinely confused about under the assumption that I was trying to “provoke” people.

A lot of people especially online like to think that they could never fall for propaganda but it happens every day. It happened to me several times, it’s happened to you, it’s happened to whoever else may be reading this right now.

Originally I felt as though heard’s retelling of the staircase thing seemed incredibly disjointed and false. Depp’s version made more sense and was more put together. But I can think back to the times my abusers told me “oh I abused you? Give me one example then” and when I blanked they screamed at me saying “if you have to think about it that long it didn’t happen” but that’s just not true. Our brains do weird things to protect us. I don’t remember half the abusive shit that happened to me, and when I do, it’s disjointed just like Amber Heard’s retelling. My abusers often leveraged the fact that they were being cool and logical and I was being emotional and nonsensical as a way to prove that I was lying.

I think exclusively consuming the case through channels like Observe and Todd Grande (they’re buddy buddy and often recommend each others videos to their fans) really impacted my opinions. When someone states their opinion as fact and then (Cherry picks) evidence that backs it up, it’s easy to just take their word for it. Sources: Dude, Trust Me

When Piper (Observe’s ex spouse who appeared on his channel often) came out about her experiences being abused I didn’t want to believe it because this guy was a comfort YouTuber to me at the time and I held their relationship as this shining example of what healthy love is supposed to be. I assume it might be similar for other people with depp although I truly don’t understand how someone could get that attached to an actor simply because they play a cool character. Some of my all time favorite characters are played by shitty people that I despise (Shatner was jealous of nimoy because he was more popular with the fans and literally stopped being friends with him up until he fucking died of cancer all out of spite, Micheal Shanks quit Stargate because he wasn’t “getting enough airtime” when he had multiple episodes dedicated to his character and had several main plot story arcs that spanned literal seasons).

I’ve definitely had parasocial relationships with creators I cared about. I was devastated when I realized that CreepShowArt was a horrible abusive person. I was devastated when iiluminaughtii, whose entire channel is dedicated to criticising corruption, was found to be not only corrupt but entirely morally bankrupt. I was devastated when Ned was proven to be an adulterer because he was the only example in my life at the time of a healthy and loving relationship.

But I didn’t harass people over it. I didn’t defend CSA to my last dying breath. It took me about two weeks to be convinced that she was guilty but only because she was the first. The other two I was convinced about in three days or less.

Obviously all of this is super tied to emotions for me even though I couldn’t care less about the people involved.

Bringing in false equivalencies to rope people like myself in was probably by design. The “market” of abused men is DESPERATE to be seen, valued, believed, and having someone as big as Johnny Depp proving our point skyrocketed the cause so much further.

But you know what I’ve noticed? They only care when it’s Johnny depp. I still get told by complete fucking strangers that my abuse wasn’t real and that I should suck it up and be a man. Unfortunately I’m not a millionaire celebrity that people really like.

The online leftist movement on its face is very progressive, but only when it comes to people they like. It’s like rainbow capitalism, on its face that’s great, we’re getting support, but the minute you look deeper you realize that it’s all performative. Walmart doesn’t care about my rights, crazyfrog69 on Twitter doesn’t actually care about male abuse victims, they want social points for being on the “right” side of the debate.

Being left is all about going against the status quo, radical acceptance, supporting everyone and anyone even if we don’t like or understand them. But now it’s about looking good instead of actually fighting for what’s right. It’s exactly like the current trend of punk/grunge clothing that comes from hot topic. Our clothes aren’t ripped for aesthetics, Janet, they’re ripped because we refuse to participate in capitalist fast fashion and look what you turned our movement into.

I’m starting to think this entire trial was just everyone’s excuse to participate in more performative activism just like the stupid black squares on Instagram.

This is just depressing.

[amtopmthoughts]

I hated my twenties. God, I hated my twenties so badly. Of course, I say this while I’m still on my twenties - twenty-four minus a month and five days to be exact. I never wanted to be twenty-something. I remember being an early teenager and not wanting desperately becoming eighteen or twenty like all the other people my age did. I wanted to be thirty. I wanted to be married and have kids. I wanted to have a job and a house of my own. I wanted to skip to the part where I had life all figured out - or at least some of it. I didn’t want the doubt and uncertainty of the twenties and I certainly am not a fan of it as I go through them now. Of course, every age and stage of life comes with uncertainty and their own set of rules and issues, but not as many and the ones you do have, are not the same. You already know what you do for a living - because you’re already doing it. You have already, hopefully, moved out of your parent’s house, at least. And if you’re not married and have kids by this time, you at least have had time to figure out a way to be okay with that. There is doubt, I know that, but the point is, there is not as much. Sure, it’s possible that you’re not all set, a lot could happen in so little time, but it’s less likely that your whole life is an incognito? Than it is in your twenties and you are more likely, if you haven’t reached your goals yet, to be getting closer to them.

In your twenties you don’t know anything. It’s true life is a constant learning everyday experience, so it’s obvious you don’t know everything you’re supposed to know in your thirties or forties - God, even in your fifties - I guess you really die without ever knowing everything you’re supposed to know so I guessed you’re supposed to know those things anyway - but you know even less in your twenties.

If you are in your twenties my guess is that you’re still studying or just finished studying and still trying to figure out what you’re going to do next, and if that thing we’ll be something you’ll enjoy, never mind a thing in your area of studies. You’re probably still living with your parents - as am I, unfortunately - and you probably can’t afford to move out, or even plan to move out, anytime soon either.

You’re also probably either suffering from a heartbreak, about to get your heart broken, or recovering from a heartbreak - as it happens, the famous twenties are not an auspicious stage for relationships to prosper. Probably because the guys you’re dating, who are twenty-something like you, are really like seventeen, still. Although I must say that this is unfair for me to say. I do not attribute most guys’ inability to commit to their partner to immaturity rather to a common to a lot of men character default - indecency and lack of character overall. Growth is an illusionary concept, really. And, as of late, it has been my understanding that aging and maturity do not go hand in hand as we all have come to believe. That’s why you find men in their forties who are still seventeen.

And I’m sorry, it was also unfair of me to mention indecency as men’s characteristic. It is not. It is a human characteristic. I don’t really believe men cheat more than women do, I just think they don’t get caught as often.

If you’re in your twenties you’re probably wondering if all your dreams will come true, if you’ll reach at least some of the goals you’ve set for yourself. Now, I know we all know “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” - and all that shit you see on framed house posters with cheesy inspirational quotes such as that one - but the Universe has to give you something right? It has to reward you for at least some good behavior. You can’t go to the other side without getting nothing from your wish list. Can you?

Now, let’s rewind a bit. I know you’re probably wondering why I’ve said “Universe” instead of God and I’d like to get that out of the way now before it gets too messy moving forward. Well, first of all, I’m not a religious person, at all. Never have been. In fact, I had kind of a mental struggle with the whole “believing in God/not believing in God” debate, which made my mom furious and upset. I wouldn’t consider my mom a religious person at all either but she does believe in God and she does sort of pray every night to say thanks and all that. She also sleeps with her “terço” by her side every night, too. I can’t really commit to doing something every night. Or every day. But my understanding of “God” changed when I realized that the relationship you have with God is totally personal and exclusive, as it should be. To believe in God, to me, is having faith and believing that everything will work out in the end. It means to have hope in something - in something greater than yourself. Greater than all of us. So when I realized I didn’t need to “affiliate” myself to a religion to believe in something, it all became clear. My God can be anything I want to be, I anything I believe it to be. It can be a man or a woman - or neither. It could be big or small or have no shape at all. I know people give it a face - a human face - so it becomes more believable and approachable to them. People fear what they don’t know so it’s natural that they feel more comforted by something that feels familiar to them. Personally, I feel the other way around. What comforts me is to know that there’s something out there guiding me that knows more than I do. A lot more than I do. Something whole. All-knowing. Something that possesses gifts and capacities that no human even dares to dream to possess. This thing can’t have no relation to a human being - or to a being, even. So, what is my God, you may ask. My God is energy, my God is strength. I name it Universe because the Universe is the greatest thing I know to exist, apart from love. I wish you I could name it something I don’t know because I’m pretty sure I don’t know what the greatest thing there is, is, but you can see how that is not really possible. I also name it Everything because I do really believe it to be Everything. Because believing is everything. Being here, living - laughing and crying and loving and suffering is everything.

I’m lucky to be able to say I have not yet suffered great pain and tragedy in my life but I have experienced my share of heartache, as we all have. I have had my trusted broken and it broke me with it. There’s this thing I say - me and probably a lot more people since it’s not that weird of a realization - that falling in love is like jumping from the highest plank into a pool. Now, you’re so high up that you can’t actually see this pool you’re jumping into. You don’t know if the pool’s empty of filled with water, so you don’t really know if, when you fall, you’ll take a great give in the great body of water or just crash and most likely die. That’s love. That’s falling in love. It’s called falling for a reason. You have no way of knowing what’s waiting for you down there, you don’t if it will be great or horrible - or both. But you just have to do it, you have to go for it. You have to jump. You have to believe. You have to try because what’s the alternative? Never knowing? What you find down there could be great pain but it can also be great joy. I would take all the pain to experience all the love and joy that comes with it, because there is no joy without pain. It’s just how it is and we’re meant to live it all - good and bad. We’re supposed to experience both joy and pain. That’s living. And believing it’s all for a reason, for a higher purpose. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s what makes us humans.

[donnerpartyofone]

I can't stop thinking about VORTEX. It brought together so many of my own contemporary thoughts about death, including a specific death from a couple of years ago, and a death I learned of several hours after I watched the movie. I don't even know if this is worth typing up but sometimes my weird burst of AM exhibitionism helps me warm up for a day of reading and writing, so I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

I was recently commissioned to do this big piece on Dario Argento that is simultaneously a great opportunity--certainly it will enjoy more exposure than anything else I've done--and a scary thing to have to do, since you're speaking to a large body of established scholarship (plus a lot of passionate personal opinions) when you work on a subject this famous. I've been at it for a while now, but it took me a long time to realize that how deep the whole Argento thing ran for me. I don't know about you but my appreciation for the classics feels a little different than my appreciation for niche items that feel more uniquely personal, or even private. I mean I love the films of Dario Argento and, like a lot of people, my history of thinking seriously about genre cinema began (in part) with the discovery of this work that invites such serious consideration. At the same time, though, it's easy to think of the Argento filmography the way you might think about, I don't know what, the Egyptian pyramids, or Mount Fuji. Or even hamburgers or pizza. Something so big and ubiquitous that you love it as much as you almost take it for granted. When I was working on Michele Soavi last fall, that felt like a very personal thing to do; he has plenty of fans, but his movies are far less exposed, even less available for a long time, and not much of substance had been written about him. Working on Argento made me feel like I had to be very clever, even somewhat perverse, to find something special and fresh to say about him. It surprised me when, halfway through the project, a great weight suddenly landed on me, consuming me even in my sleep.

Maybe it should have been obvious that this would happen. I was a dyed in the wool horror lover from the moment my parents pressed play, much to their chagrin, but I didn't quite realize that there were people out there taking the genre seriously until I was all the way in college. There I met my best friend, who is slightly younger but who I consider a mentor due not only to her passion and erudition, but also because she exposed me to the whole cottage industry (more of an underground at the time) of thinkers and artists and conservationists that had grown up around horror. Together we even met and became close with someone who produced scholarly writing and had relationships with some of our heroes and programmed for a major festival, and who revealed to us a whole world of movies--and a certain way of thinking about them--that changed the course of our lives. Certainly my life, at least.

Unfortunately this person was not a good guy. I was barely old enough to drink when we met, still a virgin, still extremely naive, and also mentally unsound. I couldn't believe I was striking up a friendship with this brilliant professional in his 30s who simultaneously represented what I wanted to do with my life, and also what I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. Things went about as well as you might expect. I'll spare you (and myself) the details but my most glib version of events is that over the course of a few years, he cultivated a totally inappropriate relationship with me for the main purpose of torturing his actual girlfriend. I'm sure I wasn't alone, either, as he kept a roladex full of too-young women who he'd had inappropriate relationships with, just to maintain a steady stream of attention and drama. It's not an exaggeration to say he had total control of my mind at the time, it's a good thing he didn't want me to rob a bank or anything. Being involved with him tainted my other relationships and made it very hard to graduate from college. When the level of toxic ridiculousness became so extreme that even I couldn't miss it and I just stopped talking to him (it was abundantly clear by then that dialoging with him was not going to fix anything and maybe fixing things was actually a bad idea), he went out of his mind for a little while. It felt like I must have been the only person who had ever said no to him, which was gratifying. He made intermittent attempts to get me back in his harem for ten or fifteen years, without ever even implying that he might want to apologize for something. The last time I heard from him, he had found this blog somehow and left an anonymous message suggesting that maybe I accidentally lost his number and email address and here they are if I feel like chatting. I learned through the grapevine that he had recently ended a brief marriage to some other inappropriate young woman. A few months later I learned from Twitter that he suddenly died. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have tried to talk to him one last time, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what that would have been like. I guess I feel like I "won" in some fucked up way.

Of course Argento was one of his main guys, and he was the first person to kind of teach me how people talk about Argento, which became a window on how to interpret a world of other movies that don't follow the usual rules. There was a personal angle on this topic, too: Among those of us who accept that horror should not be politically correct, there are those who use the genre as a lens through which to interrogate difficult and antisocial experiences, and those of us who use it as a justification for difficult and antisocial behavior, ala "These films show us a hyperbolic version of human nature, but it is human nature all the same." The guy in question made all of his relationships into a torture chamber, and if cornered he was happy to throw up his hands and say "The heart wants what it wants" or whatever, as if he couldn't possibly be held responsible for the dark mystery of his own actions. It made sense that his favorite director would be someone with a well-known history of combative relationships and not-entirely-professional behavior. (I have a rather large tattoo of Daria Niccolodi, whose substantial creative contributions to Argento's finest work are often unfairly reduced to the vaguery of "muse") But over time I managed not to worry about any of this. Eventually the monolithic idea of Argento became decoupled from my personal experiences, remaining only as an acceptable and useful part of my training. And of course, the films are still a source of great pleasure.

Still, I managed to have a vivid and unsettling dream as my deadline countdown began and I was deep into the Argento memoir (which I have to read in Italian for various reasons, something I can do a little bit with deep concentration and technological assistance). The dream amounted to a vivid fantasy of dramatically telling the guy off like I always should have, choosing my own life and loved ones over him. When I woke up I had one of those disturbing moments of remembering that someone is dead all over again. Even though the dream was positive and maybe even cathartic, I was profoundly unsettled. It made sense that an item like this would never be completely resolved, but I didn't expect it to come roaring back to life like that. I underestimated the effects of my doing this kind of writing in public for the first time, over the last year or two--the very thing that originally tied me to this guy. When he was still alive, anytime I went to a film event I would compulsively scan the room and make note of the nearest exits. If he were alive now, as I'm being published on some of his favorite subjects, I would be worrying about hearing from him somehow. Now that he's dead I almost feel like I missed out on something. A chance to prove myself as his peer or competitor; or if our friendship had survived, a chance to hear him congratulate me, or have him treat me like an equal; or...I don't really know what. I just feel very strange.

I decided to give my brain a little break from reading and writing, and made an extra credit assignment out of watching the recent Gaspar Noe movie VORTEX. I had just seen the new Argento documentary PANICO in which Noe discussed directing Argento in a leading role. It's easy to love or hate Noe, but I tend to stay on the fence with an eyebrow cocked; I think that if you let him offend you or impress you too much, you're sort of falling into his trap. I really enjoy I STAND ALONE, which is just too outrageous to be genuinely offensive, and I seem to recall liking ENTER THE VOID to whatever degree--but actually it occurs to me that the dead guy I'm eulogizing here claimed to have somehow inspired IRREVERSIBLE; supposedly Noe had asked him to find a bootleg of the rape-themed porno FORCED ENTRY, which Noe found "so fucking funny", and supposedly IRREVERSIBLE was born not long later. Whatever. Anyway. I was curious about Argento's performance and I'm generally curious about aging and grief on film, so I checked out VORTEX and I was pleasantly surprised by how thoughtful and cogent it was. Argento himself is really good. It's a satisfying film.

With that said: As the movie unspooled I felt that I was contending with it pretty well, and then at some point in the last act it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just couldn't stop crying. I was thinking about the future of my marriage, and about us dying. I thought about my dad dying. I thought about that stupid guy dying. I had the strange feeling that I had been confronted with the fact that Dario Argento is not a young man, he seems to have already given us the greatest art that he will ever make, and we may lose him at any moment. The strange, embarrassing grief and mourning of a celebrity will come for us sooner than we think. It's the same for many of the people whose art gave shape to my life. I don't know what to say about it.

Later that night, shortly before dinner, I found out about the suicide of a certain artist who reached his extreme conclusion in the aftermath of accusations of sexual misconduct. I don't want to name the artist because I don't want this post to turn into a discussion of that exact guy and his work and legacy and the exact nature of the allegations etc. I don't even understand it all very well. He was someone I never thought about that much, although I was abundantly aware of him. I had been away from the subculture to which he belongs for years, for purely external and personal reasons. I didn't know he was under fire. The claims against him seemed to describe a situation I would characterize (as I'm able to understand it anyway) as "kind of gross"--kind of sketchy, in kind of poor taste--but neither criminal nor scary. Which is of course just my hazy opinion on a situation I'm not involved in. But apparently things quickly ballooned into a highly public social media trial that destroyed many of his personal and professional relationships, and dramatically affected his income and future prospects. I do not know if these effects could be considered truly proportional to his indiscretions. I also do not know if his suicide could be considered a proportional response to his predicament. What I do know is that his lengthy suicide note was very well thought-out and carefully articulated (whether one thinks it was actually fair or decent is a different question), and from what I can see, everyone on the internet is picking the most extreme reaction they can possibly think of. Like every single person who is being vocal about this, on every side, is being pompous and awful. The one part-way reasoned response that I read had its own problem, I thought, which is that it was so entirely ideological. It was the ideology of the artist's presumed ethics against the ideology of the true ethics that should have reigned him in or led to remediation. It was the reduction of everything to something like game theory: a condition we all live in now, where everything we think and do is plugged into some vast academic switchboard that illuminates larger social and moral patterns. It's so fucking weird. I often think that dogma comes from the fact that most people aren't high-minded self-aware philosophers and they really do want and need guidelines that are helpfully established by others--but then the guidelines become exalted way above the bittersweet messiness of life that they were meant to help with, and suddenly it's as if there's no psychology, no emotional life, no human weakness, nothing to consider except whether us anonymous members of the teeming masses have followed the rules. We're left talking about contemporary human foibles the way people talk about the Civil War or something, some distant historical fact to convert into pure theory. Holding individuals accountable for their destructiveness, and understanding that no person or crime exists in a vacuum--those things are important. But our collective, public attempts to grapple with those things have produced some truly strange outcomes. I have been thinking about the artist's family continuously.

I worked through Easter weekend and went to church this morning. The Wednesday priest is a real literalist and not usually that inspiring, but he said something really uplifting today. Masses are typically focused on acknowledging one's faults, which is a necessary step in any course of self-improvement--and of course things can and have gone off the rails there because instead of thinking of humility and reconciliation as steps in a positive process, people slam on the brakes at step 1 and fetishize self-loathing and shame and punishment, which has all sorts of unfortunate social and political effects. But anyway, the readings were about how the Apostles behaved in the aftermath of the crucifixion, how they--the guys who basically thought Jesus was leading them to the White House and everything was going to be great--found the strength to pick themselves up again and find meaning and dignity in the things they would go on to do. And the priest invited everyone to think about a time they'd hit rock bottom, or something close to it, and to remember what were the personal qualities and abilities that enabled them to keep on living a decent life. I was so impressed by this, I thought of many answers right away. Then during the part of the mass where we're all supposed to "show each other a sign of peace" across the pews, one of the lectors--a very sweet spanish-speaking guy I don't really know--peaked around the column between us and waved at me. I guess he remembered where I was sitting even though he couldn't see me, and wanted to acknowledge me. Almost immediately I burst into tears.

I have now spent a lot of the time I should be working doing this exhibitionistic purging ritual instead. I hope that I will not suddenly think of something I left out in the middle of the day and get dragged off course again. Now I have to really cram so I can justify going to see LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL later, before it leaves theaters. I figure if I spend time with the Lord, I gotta go pay a visit to the other guy, too. That is how one comes to understand things.

This is really good; necessarily upsetting, but never perverse (as one might fear). I happen to be reading the Argento memoir Fear, which is sort of breezy and not often surprising, but I found his brief chapter on losing his father almost unbearable. I was nearly sorry I read it. Dario doesn't permit a lot of intimate detail in general, which may reflect his control freak nature and his history of combative relationships, but what's certain is that his parent and producer Salvatore Argento was the one person who was there for him in every part of his life. I sort of have a dad like that, although we didn't make anything together except a life, and at this age I think a lot about losing him. I don't know what I think about it exactly, but it is on my mind. I guess I also think about the impending loss of certain artists.

There is something touching about the casting of Dario Argento, who may as well be a kind of artistic father to Gaspar Noe. He is very good in any case. It's hard not to think of this as some sort of response to Michael Haneke's AMOUR, though that film is a decade older and VORTEX exists for its own reasons. It's very useful, culturally, to have filmmakers who grapple effectively with end of life issues. It seems easier to talk about the tumult of life in progress.

And with that all said, please enjoy THE DEATH OF CRONENBERG, a moving collaboration between Caitlin Cronenberg and her famous father. Looks like her first feature HUMANE will be out for my birthday, can't wait.

[mayullla]

Title: Robotic Parts

Character(s): Steampunkish robotic scientist (Unnamed character / Original works)

Summary: While many has chips and wires in their body and blood, trade a part of their body for something more metal you choose not to. Walking down the alley you caught the eyes of a particular famous robotics engineer.

Warnings/tags: Fem!reader, male!yandere oc, delusional yandere, general yandere themes, dark themes, horror themes, kidnapping/abduction, implied mutilation later toward reader (arms and legs), drugging, needles

There are many cyborgs, men and women choosing to trade their limbs for robotics some other part, for something better, something stronger to protect themselves or to have something that they once didn't have or lost. Different reasons, some more natural than others, some more obvious than others. But there were a few who didn't trade their veins for wires and skin for metal. Maybe to them, it was not the time yet or maybe they chose not to.

You were the same, yet to exchange yourself for metals, chips and wires. Maybe that was how he took notice of you.

You weren't special, not necessarily there are many who also didn't choose to do the same as you.

And it is not that you are innocent to it, sometimes you do feel like someone was trying to dig holes in the back of your neck but whenever you try to look whenever you try to find the person... you find nothing… It happened over and over and over but you can't find them...

You asked your friends if they felt someone watching yet they say they didn't. Some of your friends tried to help, always keeping an eye out when they saw the concern on your face. But they didn't find anything. Didn't see anything.

They told you to report it to the police, but they could not help. You should have pushed for the police to help you, you should have asked your friend if you could stay in their place that day instead of going home alone, and you should have yelled louder but how could you when your mouth was suddenly covered by a damp cloth. You tried to struggle even more before fainting.

You woke up to total darkness, your head on someone's lap in a car as they continued to stroke your hair. “You shouldn't wake up yet. Sleep.” You didn't recognize the voice as you struggle to stay awake yet were forced back to sleep.

The next time you woke up you were strapped into a metal table your hands and shoulders strapped down as well as your feet and waist. Your eyes were blinded by the bright light that was above you.

You tried to look away but as you looked around your heart dropped at what you saw.

Robots parts littered the place, the table and some hanging on ceilings. Some were full bodies lifeless and unmoving, with eyes without pupils that made them eerie and unnerving. Others were separated, with only hands or legs, you saw a torso and some heads with wires coming out from their necks. You wanted to push yourself away from them, the place was dark with the only light source on top of you. It was silent as you hold your breath, in fear and terror.

You jumped, almost choking yourself from the strap on your neck when you suddenly heard a door slide open.

“It seems that you finally woke up. That’s good. I was starting to worry a bit if the medicine side effects were a bit too much for you.” You could hear steps drawing closer and closer to you flinching at each sound you tried to look at the person who kidnapped you.

“Don't be afraid, I am not gonna hurt you.” your whole body flinched when a hand suddenly touched your hair combing through his fingers, the man only chuckled at your scared face. It was hard to look at him as the light blind your eyes from getting a clear look at him. “You are quite the adorable one, I always found you to be so cute but now that I have a closer view of you… you really are beautiful.”

The hand that held your hair slowly moved to touch your face. It was careful if not loving.

It was vile and you want nothing more but to push that hand away.

Unfortunately, you didn't have the chance to voice your thoughts when the man started to laugh, "Yes. Yes! I am so glad I found you my beautiful muse you will be even more breathtaking when I turn you into the prettiest doll."

What he said raised the alarm bells in your head as you forced yourself to move even just a little bit. "What do you want from me?" You spat out, fear was evident in your eyes as you tried to break from from the straps that bound you to the table.

You have to get out, you need to. You need to run away from the room, from that man in order to live because there is no telling what he would do to your body.

"Oh, no no! You should not hurt yourself like that. Huu… I knew something like this would happen eventually, you leave me with no choice." You hear the man sigh as he grabbed something from the nearest drawer.

"This will only sting a little, my dear." His words made you panic even more, as you tried to move yet when something sharp touched your neck, pricking you. You can't help but cry out.

"If you stayed calm as you were before maybe I would not have to hurt you like this." the voice was almost nagging, as you tried to breathe scared at what he has put on you.

"The effects of the drug are nothing too serious, it won't hurt you in the long run just feelings of numbness and unable to move how you please." He told you tossing the needle that he used on you to the trash, taking cotton dipped in alcohol he started to clean the blood on your neck.

"Don't worry you will still breathe, I have no plans on killing you. Why would I when I have so much to give you." There was a delight in his voice that made you scared, as tears started to leak from your eyes nonstop.

He left the table only to return with a box, opening it. "These arms and legs are my delicate treasure. I put in hours over these lovely things."

You looked at the thing that the madman was holding, eye-widening when you realized what they were. 

The two arms and two legs you saw in the box, you didn't want to believe it as you tried to struggle even more yet you felt your muscles heavier and almost unmoving as you weakly tug your restraints. 

Anything is better than getting chopped up by this madman.

"Are you excited? Well of course you are!" The man chuckled as he delicately placed the metal arms down on the table as if he would break them from the light impact to the table.

"I spent many years making them, it was a shame that nobody really matched them till now." Sitting down in a chair he rested his chin on his hand, as the other placed on the hair on your scalp.

He was looking at you, eyes almost full of love and adoration yet you could see it.. you could see how unhinged they were, the craze that swirling inside them. "You were almost like a flower among the dried leaves when I saw you. It took some time but I was finally able to get you in my grasp."

"Don't worry my dear I will make you beautiful, you will be my lovely art that people will only be in awe of when they look at you." His words terrified you as you tried to tug your restraints even more while he acted as if he was ignorant of your panic and continued to play with your hair.

"I will take care of you, and keep you pretty so you don't have to worry about anything else. Now sleep, let me do all the work."

[humanwheatleyslefttoenail]

why do you ship chell and glados if glados is basically her mom

Okay this is actually a pretty common misconception in the fandom that unfortunately a lot of people have taken as canon, but I’m feeling nice so I’ll answer your question.

Basically, anon is referencing a theory from around 2012 that Caroline is Chell’s mom. The evidence for the theory is as follows:

- The turret opera calls Chell “bambina”, which means “little girl” in Italian

- Chell’s name can be found on a Bring Your Daughter To Work Day science project

- GLaDOS references the possibility of Chell being adopted multiple times

- GLaDOS is significantly nicer to Chell after discovering she’s Caroline 

And, anon, you’re right, it does sound like a pretty good argument at first glance. The problem is that a lot of these points don’t actually hold up to scrutiny.

For example, although “bambina” literally translates to “little girl,” it’s often used in the same way “baby girl” is used in English - it can mean child, but contextually it’s usually a flirtatious term. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary)

For Chell’s science project, it doesn’t work as evidence for the theory because GLaDOS killed the scientists around 1998-ish, when Caroline had presumably been uploaded several years earlier and Cave was already dead. Also, Chell’s in her 20′s, and since we know from Lab Rat/Portal 2 that people don’t age in stasis, and that Doug put Chell at the top of the test subject list only weeks after the takeover, Chell was 28 at the time of the takeover. The science project is really only an Easter egg and doesn’t actually fit into the canon timeline let alone prove anything about Caroline and Cave. 

GLaDOS talking about Chell being adopted is a pretty strong point, I’ll admit, but also it’s important to remember that maybe half of what GLaDOS says is true. And even if we take what she says at face value, she also says there’s a man and a woman in stasis with Chell’s last name, which could not have been Cave and Caroline because they were already dead at that point. And the official book Final Hours Of Portal 2 confirms Cave and Caroline were not married and could not have shared the same name anyway. It was also the 50′s, an an unmarried couple of two likely famous people having a child would’ve been scandalous, and yet we see no hint of something like this affecting their company. 

Also, although GLaDOS is nicer to Chell after the Caroline reveal, that’s not necessarily indicative of a mother-daughter relationship, and neither is any of their interactions. It’s just. GLaDOS being friendlier. 

Finally, when this theory was made (and let’s be honest - it still is happening) Chell was constantly whitewashed to hell and back. 

Chell is Japanese-Brazilian, and Cave and Caroline are white, so it would be a near impossibility for her to be their biological child (and insisting otherwise is kinda. just. whitewashing). And although people will cry “adoption!”, based on what I’ve previously proven, that’s pretty much impossible. This theory that somehow she’s Cave and Caroline’s daughter erases an important part of her identity. [Disclaimer, I am white, but this is what I’ve heard from around the fandom]

With all that said, the idea that she’s the daughter of Cave and Caroline really doesn’t hold weight when you really analyze the canon. It’s surface level analysis that doesn’t hold up. And honestly? The idea kinda cheapens the story. It’s much more powerful that GLaDOS learns to care about Chell and becomes kinder than just. Oh, she remembered she’s related to Chell. 

But to actually answer your ask. 

Why do I ship them?

Well, they aren’t mother and daughter, I think that’s pretty obvious now. But if you actually look at a lot of subtext in Portal 2, without the lens of the mother theory, it’s actually pretty romantic! 

I know that sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!

Now - it’s totally okay if you don’t ship them. I get it. Their interactions in Portal 1 and the first half of Portal 2 are toxic if not outright well. Y’know. Murderous. I completely understand why that turns people off from shipping them, and ultimately, shipping is a personal thing. To each his own. 

But before you judge me, let me present my case.

Exhibit A: Portal 

Portal is kinda gay. No, really. Chell and GLaDOS are enemies in this game, but the entire focus is on their relationship (good or not) and the power struggle between them. They are opposites, two sides of the same coin, different representations of opposite ideologies. People have analyzed Portal as a relationship metaphor, or as a metaphor about women’s role in society - either way, the heart of Portal is the complicated dynamic between Chell and GLaDOS. 

That’s not necessarily enough to code a romance, but a lot of popular (and especially popular queer ones) ships begin with opposite ideologies, symbolic powers colliding. Portal cements their relationship as a toxic one, something on the verge of falling apart and hurting both parties in the end. The ending image, of Chell and GLaDOS side by side after the battle, reinforces the symbolic parallels between the two. 

The companion cube is also pretty symbolically important to this interpretation. It’s literally a representation of someone’s heart, and you are told to protect it and preserve it under GLaDOS’ orders, and then you have to destroy it regardless of how you actually feel about doing that. You are destroying GLaDOS’ heart, so to speak. 

There’s also the ending song, Still Alive. The lyrics speak for themselves.

They hint that GLaDOS’ feelings about Chell are more complicated than they may appear (if she’s not being sarcastic...) and she literally talks about Chell breaking her heart (also, think back to the companion cube. Yeah.). The entire song is structurally similar to many a breakup number, with the laments of “I’m glad it happened, but also leave.” 

At the end, we also see that the long promised cake GLaDOS was supposedly lying about was real the whole time. Before Portal 2 came out, it was mostly interpreted as a stinger ending (along with the nicer lyrics of Still Alive) to make you question GLaDOS’ true motives and intentions.

She actually did have a real cake waiting for you. (Side note - not really evidence, but in Argentina, “torta” means cake in Spanish. It’s also a slang term for lesbians. So. Do with that what you will). The cake is what GLaDOS offers you to lull you into the sense that she cares about you, so discovering that “the cake is a lie” wakes you up to the realization that she doesn’t. Except then the idea is subverted one last time, at the very end, showing that the cake is real and at least some of what she said she meant. 

You also see the companion cube. You know, GLaDOS’ symbolic heart?

Now, okay, you might be thinking I’m extrapolating a bit too much. And you might be right. But Portal is not the only game in the series, and if you’re asking me about Cave and Caroline you obviously know about Portal 2.

Exhibit B: Portal 2

If you thought Portal was gay, Portal 2 turns that up to 11.

Even before GLaDOS wakes up, you’re treated to some visual subtext. A few of Rattmann’s drawings representing the events of Portal 2 focus a lot on the relationship between GLaDOS and Chell, with more of the cake symbolism.

In this, you can see a face layered on top of GLaDOS. This could be foreshadowing about Caroline, and likely is, but also resembles his other drawing of Chell. It insists that Chell is a part of GLaDOS, or reinforces parallels between Chell and Caroline, hinting at something either way. 

In this picture, we also see Chell standing on top of GLaDOS, in the same position where the overlay of the feminine face was, again referencing the parallel. It also presents them as opposites, fundamental parts of the same thing and both connected to the same basis, but on opposing sides. 

When GLaDOS wakes up, she returns to her antagonistic role, but there are more hints to something deeper just like in Portal. 

Here, in her awakening lines, she references Chell not unlike an estranged ex. Also worth noting that GLaDOS is pretty much the personification of testing (in a sense, she is testing since she can control all of Aperture like an extension of her body), and insinuates that Chell loves to test. And that she reciprocates that feeling.

In test chamber 10, she says this:

It’s supposed to be threatening, but it does read as almost... sentimental. 

There’s also another chamber with companion cubes in Portal 2. I already talked about their symbolism in Portal, and the same pretty much applies to them here. However, GLaDOS says something interesting about them during this level:

Once again, meant to be intimidating, ends up coming off as “well, GLaDOS, why were you going to give Chell a heart shaped representation of yourself that says ‘I love you?’” And you might think I’m stretching the GLaDOS’ heart metaphor thing a little far here, and I might agree, if the companion cubes didn’t literally sing Cara Mia for you. 

Cara Mia is the turret opera from the end of the game, which is all about how much GLaDOS cares about Chell. More on that later. But the companion cubes play a song called Love as A Construct, and when you get close to them, they sing a specific part of the song that has the tune of Cara Mia. These things literally exist to sing about GLaDOS’ feelings. 

Which makes this line a lot more. For lack of a better term. Tsundere-ish.

Then, right before the escape, she starts talking about the confetti from her fake surprise. 

I really don’t have to explain this one. What else does GLaDOS consider an inconvenience but might miss anyway? Or, more aptly, who else?

Then, during the escape, she teases a (fake) final test chamber in front of you, and forms the panels in the shape of a heart. No, really. 

Up to this point, a lot of the points I’ve presented are interspersed with a fair amount of antagonization on GLaDOS’ behalf, more Foe Yay than anything actually hinting at something deeper than GLaDOS being conflicted about whether she loves or hates Chell. But things really ramp up after Wheatley’s betrayal, when the two of them are forced to team up. (I should also note here that “enemies to lovers” is a pretty classic queer romance trope.)

Here, GLaDOS is put on an equal level with Chell and they have to rely on each other if they want to survive. For the rest of the singleplayer campaign, GLaDOS becomes a lot nicer and even friendly to Chell. There comes a point where she starts referring to Chell as a teammate, calling them “we.” She begins to consider them one unit, two opposites unified. Here’s what she says after the lemon rant:

You can not only see her using we, but actively talking about how her and Chell are going to fight Wheatley together. There’s also that last line - “let’s explode with some dignity.” GLaDOS has fully accepted the very likely possibility that she and Chell might die together. That she might die on the same level, and the same team as Chell. And she seems... surprisingly okay with that, as long as she and Chell go together. 

It’s during the Old Aperture levels that Chell and GLaDOS also discover that they have a lot in common. This is the part of the game where GLaDOS figures out she’s Caroline, that she’s human. Or, that she’s like Chell. And Chell discovers (from what we can tell anyway) that Caroline is kind, that she’s funny and smart and so many of these things she never noticed about GLaDOS before. Now also with the knowledge she is fighting alongside another human being. 

You can also draw parallels between Chell and Caroline, both intelligent women ultimately betrayed by their seemingly innocuous male friends before being trapped in Aperture and forced to team up with one another in a way that will free both of them. We see that really, GLaDOS isn’t that different from Chell - she too has been imprisoned in this place against her will, but in a completely different way. Once again, the idea of two sides of the same coin applies here. 

I’ve written another meta about this before, but I also think the whole idea of repressing a part of your identity and hating it, before bonding with another woman and then realizing that it’s okay to be like her and to be on her side. It’s okay to be yourself and meeting her is what helps you discover this new part of yourself. Is kinda inherently gay. GLaDOS’ discovery of her own humanity just fits so well into a queer realization narrative, to me at least.

Then, Chell and GLaDOS escape Old Aperture and have to get through Wheatley’s tests. 

Here, GLaDOS isn’t just begrudgingly on Chell’s team. She’s actively helpful. She wants to help Chell solve tests, defends her from Wheatley’s insults, and makes jokes to lighten the mood. Things that can really only be explained by her caring about Chell, especially the part about the insults. See below.

After the two escape Wheatley’s testing track, right before the boss fight GLaDOS has a few other things to say.

GLaDOS is not going to betray Chell, because of some kind of conscience. But she could easily ignore that back in her body, and yet? Here she’s deciding not to, and for no good reason. She didn’t have to say that to Chell, but she did, because she cares and she wants Chell to live.

And then, moments before the fight:

The final lines imply that GLaDOS does not think of Chell as an enemy anymore, and that it doesn’t matter what Chell thinks because they are in this together and they are getting revenge together. It’s pretty heartwarming to be honest, to know that even in a fight that will almost certainly kill you, she is there rooting for you and caring about you, even if you don’t feel the same way about her. It no longer matters to GLaDOS whether you even reciprocate - you staying alive, you making it through is enough for her.

So Chell fights Wheatley and sends him into space, all well and good, and at this point, GLaDOS has the option to kill Chell. But not only does she not, she actively saves Chell, and holds her hand in the process. If you don’t believe me:

And not only that, but when Chell goes unconscious from her injuries, GLaDOS sits and waits for her to wake up. It’s also implied that GLaDOS carries her to the elevator, since it’s where she wakes up but not where she passed out. In the scene where Chell blacks out, you can also hear the part of Love As A Construct that sounds like Cara Mia. Yeah. Yeah.

If you think that this cannot possibly get any gayer, you are wrong again, because then GLaDOS makes her final speech. Which is really just a love confession, let’s be honest.

The “surge of emotion?” Do you mean love, GLaDOS? And the idea of GLaDOS considering Chell her best friend, despite everything these two have done to each other? The idea that GLaDOS, out of all people, forgives someone?

Except this isn’t even Chell’s final send-off. GLaDOS writes her an entire opera of turrets, that sing a literal love song. (Note what I said earlier about the use of the word “bambina”).

It really can’t get any more obvious than that. “My (affectionate romantic term here), my dear, I adore you.” How. Is. That. Heterosexual. In. Any. Way.

So Chell goes to the surface, set free by GLaDOS (think of the saying “if you love something, set it free), and you think that’s the end. Until GLaDOS gives you a companion cube so you aren’t alone on the journey, and from the burn marks, you know it’s your first companion cube. Her original heart, her first gift to you, a piece of her that she wants you to carry with you to remind you that she does care about you after everything. It also gives the lyrics to Still Alive a much more genuine meaning. 

Portal 2 ends, and then the ending song, another GLaDOS number plays. Just like Still Alive, Want You Gone is structurally a break up song and very obviously about GLaDOS missing Chell and “counting on” (read: caring about/loving) Chell’s tendencies and quirks. 

She’s accepted Chell completely, and yet also given Chell the one thing she wants most. Only wanting Chell gone can mean GLaDOS not wanting Chell in her life anymore, but can also mean she wants to give Chell the freedom she’s wanted for so, so long. It’s the best thing she can give.

In the co-op campaign, GLaDOS also references still caring about Chell.

And that’s the end of the Portal series. Except. Brace yourself. Despite the games being over, there is STILL more subtext somehow. It gets. Even gayer.

Exhibit C: Supplemental Evidence

Valve has made a lot of extra/cut content for the Portal series, and I’ll be looking at some of it below.

This official valentine from Valve shows GLaDOS offering a romantic partner cake, which as we’ve established before, is very symbolic of GLaDOS’ feelings about and/or relationship with Chell. 

There’s a lot of other concept art and official art that emphasizes their relationship too. See below.

There’s also some cut GLaDOS lines that are even gayer than the source material and again, sound like confessions or references to a breakup:

The idea of “discovering things about someone”... how much more obvious can it get?

The developers have even confirmed a lot of my commentary on Chell and GLaDOS’ relationship in The Final Hours Of Portal 2. See these quotes from the book/this post:

The devs literally describe it as a romance. They use terms like “cheating,” they wanted to write a romantic duet, JoCo purposefully wrote the endings like love songs. It is literally, blatantly said by the creators of the game that their relationship is interpreted romantically. By the creators of the game. 

And if Word of God confirmation isn’t enough for you, have a song written for a cut alternate ending by GLaDOS’ voice actress, Ellen McClain. The song is literally nothing but GLaDOS talking about caring about Chell, about not wanting her to die/leave GLaDOS alone, about wanting to bake a cake with Chell, about waiting for Chell to wake her up. It’s so genuinely sweet and sad, and really, really romantic in the most heartwrenching way possible. 

JoCo also came back for the Portal levels in Lego Dimensions, writing one final breakup song for GLaDOS to sing about Chell. It comes off as GLaDOS not wanting to admit she misses Chell even though she obviously does, trying to replace their relationship but failing, and even explicitly forgiving Chell/wanting her to come back.

Also, the “finally I understand,” as if only now GLaDOS understands just how deep her feelings for Chell are... What else can I say?

In Lego Dimensions, GLaDOS also outright rejects anyone who isn’t Chell.

In Conclusion:

Why do I ship Chell and GLaDOS? 

Well, ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether I ship them. 

Because I think it’s glaringly obvious Portal does.