#Tyler would tear apart anything that looked twice at Wednesday | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chickensarentcheap · 4 years ago

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Best Part of Me -Chapter 52

Warnings: NONE

Tagging: @alievans007, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @ocfairygodmother

Only fifty three hours remain.

A little more than two days before he’s on a flight to Mumbai. The last six have flown by; time ever slowing the moment they returned home from the Kimberley, no matter how much he begged it to. The majority of his days have been spent preparing for the upcoming mission; taking stock of weapons and ammo and various other gear and supplies. Meetings with Yaz and his tech crew as they hunker down at a local hotel before departing for India. Pouring over the blueprints and the photographs of the prison and the hotel that Yaz had managed to track down. Conference calls and video chats with Anil and his people. When he hasn’t been caught up in all the job logistics, he’s been spending time with Ovi; busting the kid’s ass in the gym and attempting to squeeze in lessons and training on weapons and hand to hand combat. It has left little time for other pursuits; nothing more than thirty minutes or an hour (at most) with his kids. Trying to savour every minute...every second...with them in case he never gets the chance to again. Wanting to commit every little moment to memory; every word they speak, every giggle, the feeling of their arms wrapped around his neck and their faces buried in his shoulder. Faking his own smiles and laughter when all he wants to do is cry. Wanting nothing more than to just gather them in his arms and never let go.

It’s been difficult. Pretending to that everything is fine when you’re falling apart inside; being eaten alive by worry, doubt, and fear. But he’s hid it well. Or at least he THINKS he has. He’s kept his increasing irritability and simmering rage under control; never raising his voice or snapping at them, never letting them hear the emotion that threatens to choke, or see the tears that often brim in his eyes. As far as they’re concerned, they’re simply going on a trip; excited to visit the place that Ovi ‘comes from’ and see and experience new things. All they know is that daddy leaves a couple days before; going earlier for work. And that while he isn’t able to stay with them and might not get the chance to see them when they arrive, he’ll get to visit them as soon as he possibly can. They’d accepted that explanation a lot easier than he thought they would. The last time he left them for ‘work’, things hadn’t gone as smoothly. The twins had taken it hard -especially TJ- and Millie had been hysterical. He’d thought that after promising them that he’d never leave them again, things would explode in his face. That they’d be hurt and angry and hate him for going back on his promise. But they’d been remarkably calm; comforted by the thought of going on ‘an adventure’ and having him close by at the same time. Satisfied when he’d told them that having them come to India had been his choice; hating the idea of being so far away from them that he’d arranged for them to be so much closer.

It’s all there. Stress. Anxiety. Worry. The guilt that he’s been so focused and dedicated to the Mumbai job that he’s had very little time with his family when they’re the ones he SHOULD be concentrating on. It’s a very real -and terrifying- possibility that these are his last days with them. That when he walks out the door on Sunday, he may never walk back in. That fear is always there with any job; leaving your family is always hard, but this is different. So VERY different. This is personal. Their safety...their LIVES...totally dependent on him. If he doesn’t stay focused, if he allows his nerves and his emotions to get the better of him, they’ll pay the price. And he’ll never forgive himself if it’s a mistake on his part that tears his entire life apart. He couldn’t live with that; the guilt, the immense grief, a loss greater than he’s ever known. So he reassures himself as often as often as possible that everything he’s doing...every decision he’s making...every second he’s dedicated to the job and not his family...is for them. So that he can not only get it done, but still have a family to come home to.

For now there’s a reprieve. Time away from the house. Stepping away from all planned meetings and conference calls and leaving Koen and Nathan -armed with very detailed checklists- in charge of making sure every weapon, every piece of ammo, and any other supplies they’ll need, are packed into locked trunks and ready to go. Ovi tasked with watching the two littlest while the three oldest are at school. Making the two hour drive to Palm Cove to pick up Saju the Australian shepherd; Millie’s late birthday present. She’d turned six on Wednesday; waking up that morning bright eyed and boisterous and showing absolutely no signs of illness and putting all of his worst fears to rest. The rational side of his brain always knew that would be the outcome; his daughter healthy and happy. But his mind hasn’t exactly BEEN rational for a long time. The damage that’s been done is both irreversible and irreparable; those minutes left without oxygen when he’d coded -twice- in the operating room, the battle with both alcohol and drug dependency, PTSD and all the bullshit that comes with it.

There’s day -months even- where he functions just fine; not hampered by poor decisions of the past or the demons that exist inside of him. Then there’s times when the weight of everything becomes too much to bear; where it’s impossible to even get out of bed in the morning and he wants to put a gun in his mouth. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. But no matter how bad it gets...no matter how overwhelming it becomes...he always reminds himself that he’s one of the lucky ones. That he’s surrounded by those beautiful, innocent little beings that love him and need him to keep going. And one phenomenally resilient -and ferociously stubborn- woman that never gives up in him. Always supporting him and loving him even when he hasn’t been the best friend of man for her.

“Look at your little face!” Esme gushes from the passenger seat, eyes sparkling and her entire face glowing as she interacts with the puppy in her lap.

It’s a nice to see -and hear- genuine happiness as opposed to as the fake smiles and laughter that have become commonplace. Consumed by her own stress and fears and very real concerns. Wondering how she’ll manage to keep five kids happy, healthy, and safe in an entirely different country and if she’ll be able to keep up the act that being in Mumbai is nothing more than a simple family holiday. And her worry regarding him is incessant; terrified that she’ll never see him again the second he leaves for Mumbai. There’s always that fear; every job is dangerous and unpredictable and being married to a mercenary is not for the faint of heart. But everything is elevated this time around. The threats real and personal; an enormous bounty placed upon his head and her own life and those of her children depending on him staying alive long enough to get the job done.

But she has faith in him. Unwavering trust. And since their return from The Kimberley, the difference between them has been remarkable. He sees it. He FEELS it. They’re both much calmer and at ease with one another despite the circumstances surrounding them. They talk more instead of bickering; rational conversations instead of emotionally driven arguments. Their bond...their connecting...while always strong, has been heightened. Beyond anything either of them could have expected.

“Look at you!” She continues, as the puppy stands with his hind legs on her thigh and his front paws on her chest. Tousling the fur one the top of his head and scratching him under the chin as he curiously sniffs at her clothes and her hair and the necklace she sports. “Looking how freaking cute you are! Look at those pretty blue eyes. Who’s the handsome little man? Who is the most handsome man in the world.”

Tyler grins. “Well I thought it was me, but apparently I’ve been replaced.”

“No one could ever replace you,” Esme declares.. “EVER. But I mean, look…” she picks the puppy up and turns it to face him. “...look at this little face! Look at it! How can you not love it? It’s so sweet and so cute and I just want to kiss him to death! He’s even got blue eyes like the rest of you. Isn’t he just the cutest thing ever?”

“You’re the cutest thing ever,” he says, and she gives a bright smile and a half hearted roll of the eyes.

He can’t help the smile that creeps across his own face as he both listens to her and watches her out of the corner of his eye. The way she uses that higher pitched, almost childlike voice that she’s never busted out on their kids but reserves strictly for other peoples’ infants and cute animals. Like the time they’d gone to the koala sanctuary and she'd squealed -and then cried- when one of the babies crawled up her leg and allowed her to cuddle and love in it. And he even manages a laugh when she bursts into giggles; playfully protesting and turning her head from side to side when the puppy excitedly licks her face.

“You realize he’s our daughter’s dog, yeah? That we got him for her?”

“I can’t help that he likes me. That he thinks I’m his person. He’s just the sweetest thing ever. How can anyone resist that little face? Besides, who do you think is going to be doing all the work? Who’s going to be the one taking care of him? It’ll be like having another baby. And you’re not going to be around, so you’ll be completely useless to me and…”

Her voice trails off, and when Tyler glances over he notices the tears welling in her eyes and the way she chews on her bottom lips. “Hey...” he drops a hand from the steering wheel and lays it against the back of her head, fingers gently massaging her scalp. “...what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” she chokes out. “Everything is wrong.”

“Baby...what…?”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

He frowns. “Said what? What are you…?”

“When I said I have to do everything because you won’t be around. I called you useless. I didn’t mean it that way. It didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

“It didn’t sound like anything. You were joking. It sounded like a joke. That’s all.”

“You’re the one that’s putting your ass on the line for me. For our kids. You’re the one that’s going out there and going after these people. You’re the one that’s most in danger. Yet I say something like THAT? That was a horrible thing to say and I’m a horrible person for saying it.”

He can’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it. “It was a joke. I knew you were joking. I didn’t mean it any other way. Just calm down.” He smooths a palm over hair and then rests it on her shoulder, squeezing tightly before taking her hand. Lacing their fingers together and pressing a kiss to the side of her wrist before placing their joined hands on his thigh. “It was a joke. You didn’t mean anything by it.”

“This is NOT the time for a joke like that,” she laments, using her free hand to brush tears off her cheeks. Only to have the puppy to knock it out of the way in favour of licking her face.

“Even he’s upset now,” Tyler says. “There’s no reason to cry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Acting like this. I promised I wouldn’t get this; all whiny and teary and shit.”

“First off, you’re not whiny. We’re going through some serious shit right now and a lesser woman…a weaker woman...would have had a mental breakdown by now. I don’t expect you not to cry.”

“I said I wouldn’t though. That I’d be calm and composed around the kids.”

“Well there’s no kids here right now, is there. It’s just us. Unless you count him,” he nods down at the puppy sitting between her thighs; eyes intently focused on her, head cocked to the side. “Look at him. He’s looking at you like you’re his mother.”

“He’s so cute,” she sniffles, and scratches the top of Saju’s head. “Not as cute as you, but still really cute.”

“Did you seriously just call me cute?”

“You ARE cute. You can’t fight me on this, Tyler. You’re cute and disgustingly handsome and insanely sexy all rolled into one. What a burden you have to carry every day being so superior to the rest of the species. You’ve set the bar extremely high for others.”

He grins. “And you say I’M biased?”

“It’s not being biased if it’s true. And I don’t mean to be this way. So weak and emotional and…”

“You know what? Stop. You’re not weak. You are so far from being weak. You’re the strongest woman...person...I’ve ever met. I don’t expect you to feel nothing. This is tough. And I’m feeling it too and there’s no kids around right now and if you need to cry and rant and rave and lose your shit, now is the time to do it. Better now than at home.”

“I’m just so stressed, I’m so stressed and I’m so worried and I’m so fucking angry.”

“What are you angry about?”

“The whole thing. That we can’t just have a normal lie. That people won’t leave us alone.”

“You knew what you were getting into when you stuck around after Dhaka,” he gently reminds her. “You knew what life was like. That there’s always someone out there, wanting revenge.”

“I know. And I don’t regret sticking around. I don’t regret you. Or us. I never have. I never will. I just hate it won’t leave you alone. That you’ve been through so much and you’ve come so far and it still won’t let you rest. It’s still not enough. And when will it be? Next week? Next month? A year from now? Two years? Never?”

“Let’s just get through one thing at time,”Tyler suggests. “Let’s just get past this and then worry about anything else that might come along. There’s no sense getting worked up over this that even happened yet. That probably never will happen.”

“I just want this to be over. I just want you to go and do what you have to do. I just want you to end this. And then I want you to come and get us and take us home.”

“I will,” he promises, and squeezes her hand. “And I’ll come see you guys when I can. When they’ll be it’s safe enough to show up there.”

“The kids won’t understand why they can’t see you. And I don’t know what to tell them. They’re just little. They don’t need to know what’s going on.”

“I’ll tell them that I can’t visit until I’ve done a few things. That I don’t know how long it’s going to be, but I’ll be there as soon as I’m done. They’re strong kids. And they’re smart. They’re everything that’s great about me and you, all put into them. It’ll be okay. THEY’LL be okay.”

“What if I’m not going to be okay?” Esme asks. “What if this is my breaking point and this is where I totally lose it and go nuts and then I can’t even take care of them properly?”

“You need to calm down. I know you’re stressed and I know you’re scared and you’re freaked out, but you’re going to be fine. You have to be. For them. Okay? I need you to be fine. For our kids. For MY kids. And you’re strong and you’re resilient and you can do this. I know you can.”

She sniffles. “You have a lot of faith in me.”

“I do,” Tyler agrees. “But I know what you’re capable of. I was there; on that bridge. I know what you did. And if you can do that, you can do anything.”

“Just the thought of you being so close yet so far at the same time…”

“I’ll call when I can. You know I will. I’ll make sure you always know what’s going on and that I’m safe. And besides, you won’t be totally alone. Especially at night. You’ll have this little guy.” he nods down at the puppy. “He’ll keep you company. He’ll cuddle with you.”

“As cute as he is, I’d rather it be you.”

“Yeah,” he says, squeezing her hand and then raising it to his lips, pressing a kiss to it. “I’d rather that too.”

****

After dinner they retreat to the beach; sun falling lower in the sky and bringing slightly cooler temperatures and a much needed break from the humidity. She sits on a blanket spread across the sand, legs outstretched and Addie laying along her thighs. A hand shielding her eyes from the slowly setting sun as she watched -in amusement- as Tyler, Ovi, and the kids attempt to teach the puppy basic commands. So far it’s been a bust; even with treats for both bribing and rewarding and Mac showing his new ‘sibling’ how it’s done.

The surprise had gone over well; bringing Saju with them when they’d picked the three oldest up at school. Millie wide eyed in shock when she’d seen that little bundle fur and huge blue eyes in her father’s arms, then dissolving into tears and sitting right down in the middle of the asphalt with the puppy in her lap. She’d been slightly disappointed -even with all the other presents she’d been spoiled with- when her entire actual birthday had gone by without the appearance of a puppy. So the pure joy and excitement had been heightened; tears reappearing every so often, accompanied by tight hugs and soft kisses for her parents and a “Thank you, mommy and daddy. He’s perfect.” And since their initial meeting, Saju hasn’t left Millie’s side; following her around the house, sitting at the pool and whining for her while she went swimming, curling up on her lap while eating supper. He’ll be the bridge spot in their lives’ the one that will bring the smiles and giggles while in India.

She wonders how long it will be. Until all the names are crossed off the list and they’re able to come home. She doesn’t want to make Mumbai a long term resident; her happiness and her calm and serenity all rooted in Australia. In their home and their property; in the smell and the sound of the ocean and in every stunning sunset and sunrise. Things have been good here. Very good. Everyone much more relaxed and at ease; being near the water and surrounded by nature and every beautiful sight and sound that comes with it has been good for them. Mind, body, and soul. And her marriage has been better. Stronger. They’re not as irritable with each other anymore; no longer a lingering mutual hostility that always seemed to be brewing right under the surface. The fighting not occurring as much and far less volatile when it does creep up. Words not as harsh and cutting; no attempts at hurting one another when they feel wronged or disrespected. Even after six and a half years, it’s very much a learning curve. Both victims of horrible first spouses and both carrying baggage for their pasts; both damaged in their own way. Yet somehow managing to balance each other out and heal all the dents and cracks.

Being away for four days had been a Godsend. The time alone not only helping them reconnect, but helping them recharge as well. A chance to be together and rediscover one another outside of being spouses and parents; reminded of how important it is to keep all the other aspects of their relationship thriving as well. And while she’s grateful for that time away, the heartbreaking truth is that it may have very well been the last time they would be together. The possibility of him not surviving is very real; more so than any other job he’s ever taken. Their danger and unpredictability paling in comparison to the things he’ll face in Mumbai. The target on his back will grow with passing day; the bounty on his head increasing dramatically. And she knows it’s weighing on him; the magnitude of the situation, the threats against her and the kids, the thought that he may not make it home.

It’s a lot for him to carry; an already tortured mine being stretched to its limits. He barely sleeps; blaming it on pain when she knows full well it’s so much more than that, Wearing himself out and running himself ragged; attempting to devote every waking moment to both the logistics of the mission and spending time with his kids. Last night he’d fallen asleep -briefly- with the twins; that long, bulky frame looking even bigger on that bottom bunk, a son tucked under each arm. The evening before that, he and Millie had crashed on the couch together; Millie on his lap with her stomach pressed against his torso, head on his shoulder and both arms wrapped around his neck. And she sees the pain on his face when he’s cuddling Declan while the toddler struggles to fall asleep, or when he’s feeding Addie and his eyes never once leave hers. A profound sadness that comes over him; the way his shoulders slump and he swallows noisily and his eyes become darker. She’s seen him emotional many times in the past seven years, but she’s never...ever...seen him like THAT. A mix of despair and hopelessness; brain torturing him with the thought that this may very well be the last time Declan ever plays with his beard and his ears while trying to drift off, or come Sunday he may never get the chance to see his baby girl grow up.

Even now he’s at war with himself. She can see it. He’s trying so hard; attempting to separate Old Tyler and New Tyler for the sake of the kids. He’s convincing to them; they’re little and worship the ground he walks on and every smile and laugh is genuine to them and they relish every hug and kiss, not knowing the fears running through his mind. But she knows he’s fighting it; those two very different sides of him struggling to coexist. She sees it in how distracted he is. In the way his face and his eyes will darken when the kids aren’t looking; the way his shoulders tense and his jaw clenches. So many emotions he’s attempting to rein in. All that fear and worry he insists on keeping locked away.

Even his smile now is forced. Tugging at tightly pursed lips as he heads towards her; Declan looking impossibly small alongside of him, clutching one of his father’s hands as he unsteadily navigates the sand. Leaving the three oldest where they are; content and safe with Ovi, still trying to teach the puppy tricks.

“He’s stubborn, huh?” She grins up her husband.

“Means he fits in around here. There’s a few stubborn people under our roof.”

“Yeah, there is. And I’m looking at the main culprit right now.”

“”Don’t talk about Declan like that.”

“You know damn well I wasn’t talking about him. And you can deny it all you want. You’re the most stubborn person to walk the planet.”

“Nope. I think someone has me beat.” Tyler tugs playfully at her ponytail and then slowly and gingerly lowers himself onto the blanket. Unable to hide the wince on his face when she settles next to her and stretches out his legs. The pain has been especially bad the last few days; limp more pronounced, knee seizing up and locking at inopportune times. It’s the last thing he needs; body betraying him in the middle of a job. Especially THIS job.

“You okay?” Esme asks. “That knee’s really been giving you a hard time.”

“I’m fine,” he replies, pulling Declan down into his lap and then reaching for the bag of drinks and snacks they’d brought along and handing his son a sippy cup of juice.

She watches out of the corner of her eyes when he runs one of those large, strong hands over their son's strawberry blond hair, then drops a kiss on the top of Declan’s head and presses another to his cheek. The sadness is there; in his eyes, written all over his face. And she knows there’s nothing she can say or do to help alleviate the suffering that he’s going through. That reality being what hurts most of all.

“YOU okay?” Tyler asks, as he runs a palm over hair and settles it on the back of her neck.

“I’m okay,” she replies, and presses a kiss to his cheek. The bristles of his beard rough against her lips as they linger just below his ear. The smile that he gives now is genuine; small, but soft and sincere.

He Turns his face into hers, covering her mouth with his in a long, slow kiss that is so gentle it both takes her breath away and brings tears to her eyes. She keeps them closed; not wanting to add another worry or stress to his already overflowing plate. And she wraps both arms around his bicep and lays the side of her head against his shoulder; fingertips running over smooth skin and hard muscle. Only opening her eyes when she feels him move against her; scooping Addie up with one hand as Declan crawls away to play in the sand.

“Are you actually going to come to bed tonight?” Esme inquires, as he lays Addie along his free arm, heading resting in the crook of his elbow. Noticing both the way he swallows around a lump of emotion that sits solidly in his throat, and his eyes well with tears.

“Why?” Tyler leans down to press a kiss to Addie’s forehead. “Miss me?”

“Just a little. I know I always complain about your snoring and your cold feet, but I miss them when they’re not around.”

“Probably won’t be around for a while.”

“Hopefully not as long as you think. And I know I probably sound selfish because I just spent four days alone with you, but I miss you. Last night you fell asleep with the twins, the night before it was with Millie. I’m starting to get a little jealous.”

“Nothing to be jealous about. You’re still my favourite.”

She smiles and presses a kiss to his shoulder. “I’d really like it if you came to bed. OUR bed Because I have two days left with you and I want to be with you. As much as I can.”

A grin tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Are we talking in the biblical way, or…?”

“In EVERY way. I want to feel you. Beside me. INSIDE of me. I need that. I need YOU. I need to make it last until I get the chance to be with you again. So come to bed tonight. Please.”

“I will,” he promises, and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “I haven’t been sleeping good,” he admits. “I wake up maybe an hour, hour and a half into it and I can get back.”

Esme removes one of her arms from around his, then reaches up to comb her fingers through the longer strands of hair on the top of his head. “You’re not going to be any good if you burn yourself out.”

Tyler sighs. “I know.”

“You need to take care of yourself too. You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating even though you’re working out twice as hard, you’re in pain….”

“I’m always in pain.”

“You’re in even more. I can tell. You don’t have to say it; I just know. And if it’s THAT bad, maybe you shouldn’t do this. Maybe you give the list to Nathan or Koen or even Yaz or Nik. Nik can get people on it.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t,” he snarls, and immediately regrets it. Sighing heavily, he briefly closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that; to snap at you like that. You’re the last person who deserves it.”

“It’s okay,” she places a kiss on his cheek, chin resting on his shoulder as she continues to comb her hand through his hair; letting the thick tresses slowly slip between her fingers. “You’ve got a lot going on in that head of yours. I’m surprised you haven’t been more on edge. That you’ve been handling it as well as you have.”

“It’s what I gotta do, yeah? Keep it together for you and the kids?”

“It’s better for the kids if you do. But you don’t have to for me. You know that. I’ve been through this before; you leaving for a job. It’s never easy. I’m always worried the second you step out the door.”

“This is different,” he says. “This isn’t like any other job I’ve ever done.”

“It’s personal.”

He nods. “Very.”

“Tyler, there’s no shame in backing out of this. If you’re in this much pain and you don’t think you can physically handle it…”

“I didn’t say I couldn’t. You’re just assuming I can’t.”

“I know you’re in pain. And it’s worse than it’s ever been. If you have to back out, there’s no shame in that. It’s better if you leave things to someone else if there’s a chance something can go wrong with your shoulder or your knee or your back. Because if something DOES happen…”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Tyler insists. “It’s not that bad. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve dealt with worse.”

“...if something DOES happen…” she continues. “...it’ll be a disaster if it happens at entirely the wrong time. What if you’re alone? What if your knee goes out and you’re alone and you can’t get out of somewhere?”

“That won’t happen.”

“You don’t know it won’t.”

“And you don’t know it will,” he retorts. “All of a sudden you don’t trust me?”

“You know that’s not it. You’re the only person I DO trust. I’m worried about you. And it’s not just your physical issues, either.”

“My fucked up brain, you mean?”

“I didn’t say that. I’d NEVER say that. But you’re aren’t sleeping and you’re on edge and you’re pushing yourself behind even your limits and I don’t want this to break you. Because I’m worried if it does, we won’t get you back together again. There’s people that can do this. People YOU trust. They’re as capable as you are.”

“No one is as capable as I am. Or as good as I am.”

“I’m asking you to reconsider this. Because I don’t know if you’re up to this And I’m not saying that to hurt you. I’m saying to possibly save you. Because you have five little kids at home that need you, I need you. And if it breaks you...if it DESTROYS you…”

“I can’t back out,” he argues. “I can’t. I can’t even consider it.”

“What if we still went to Mumbai but you stayed with us?” Esme suggests. “At Anil’s house. You can protect us a lot better than any of his people can, and you know that. I trust you with my life. With our kids’ lives. I’d rather it be you watching over us than anyone else. What if you stayed with us and only went if you were really needed?”

“You know I can’t do that. You know it will just draw them to you. To the kids. It’ll only bring them right to you if I stay there.”

“But you’ll be there. That’s what I’m saying. You won’t let anything happen to us. You’re more than capable of protecting us. I know the things you can do. I’ve SEEN what you can do. There’s no doubt in my mind you can keep us safe.”

“I can’t stay with you,” Tyler insists.

“Why? Give me one good reason. One good, valid reason why you have to be the one who does this?”

“Because this is about MY family. Not anyone else’s. My wife. My kids. It’s how it has to be.”

“No,” she remains adamant. “It doesn’t. There is a huge target on your back and an even bigger bounty on your head. Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to lay low? Not take the chance of someone seeing you? Dhaka was bad enough.Every gun there was pointed at you. And with the kind of money and power Mahajan has, Mumbai is going to be even worse.”

“Babe, I know you’re worried and I know you’re scared and that you’d rather me say behind and keep an eye on you and the kids…”

“That’s EXACTLY what I’d rather.”

“But I can’t. I can’t take the chance of bringing them right the fucking doorstep. What am I going to do against twenty, twenty five guys? What chance do I stand? That’s a fucking army.”

“Look what you did in Dhaka. In the apartment when you went to get Ovi. You were able to handle all of them.”

“Those were street thugs. Any merc could have handled them.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. If you any merc could have handled them, Nik would have got just anyone to do it. But she didn’t. She got YOU for it. So no. Not any merc would have done what you did.”

“There is a big difference between street thugs and who Mahajan has working for him. These guys are ex military. Special forces. They're not some poor, desperate kid off the street trying to impress a drug dealer. These people know what they’re doing. And they’re vicious and they’re dangerous and they’re ruthless. They won’t stop until we’re all dead. And they’ll make me watch. They'll make me watch them kill my kids and you. They’ll make me watch them do sick and twisted shit to you first. Is that what you want? You want me to go through seeing that?”

“No. Of course not! That’s what I want. I would NEVER wish that on you.”

“I can’t take the chance of bringing them right to you and the kids,” he says. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

“There has to be some way. To keep us safe and YOU safe. There has to be.”

“I know what I’m doing. Why are you doubting? Two days before I leave. You’ve never doubted me before, so why now?”

“I’m not doubting you!” Esme snaps. “I’m scared of losing you! I’m terrified of it! More than I've ever been with any other job you’ve gone on. It’s all I think about. Nik or Koen or Anil showing up and telling me you’re dead. I don’t even want to go to sleep because I dream about it.”

“It’s okay.” He presses a kiss to her temple, then runs a hand over the back of her head, settling it on her shoulder. “Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.”

“And then I wake up and you’re not beside me and for a brief second my brain thinks you’re really dead and I freak out and I panic. It’s why I need you there. In bed. I need to wake up and see you there. Or feel you beside me. Because then I know you’re okay. That you haven’t left yet and you’re not dead…”

“Calm down, Esme. Just calm down. Everything’s okay.”

“Everything is so far from okay. And I feel so helpless. I don’t know what more I can do. To prevent someone showing up and telling me you’re dead. I don’t know how to get you to change your mind about all of this.”

“You can’t. I HAVE to do this. I don't trust anyone else the way I trust myself. This is MY family they’re threatening. My wife and my kids. It’s why it has to be me. And I’m sorry. That it has to be this way. If there was any other way…”

“There HAS to be,” she insists. “There has to be another way.”

“There’s not. I wish there was. But there’s not.”

“This is such bullshit! How much more can one man take? I don’t want this breaking you. And I see it happening and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. “

“I’m going to be okay,” Tyler assures her, turning his face into hers and pressing a kiss to her forehead. Hand sliding down from the nape of her neck to the middle of her back, knuckles softly rubbing along her spine. “I’LL be okay.”

“Promise me that if it gets to be too much..if you feel it breaking you...that you’ll walk away. That you’ll let someone else handle things. Because we need you in one piece. Physically AND mentally.”

“If it gets to that, I’ll walk away.”

“Promise me."

“You know my promises are shit. I’ve broken everyone I’ve made in the past six and a half years. What good does it do to promise something when I’m just going to fuck it up? All I’ve done is fuck things up. I started fucking things up seven years ago and I’m still fucking them up now.”

“Don’t say that,” she sniffles, and then knees beside him, curling both arms around his neck. Fingers of her other hand pushing their way into his hair. “You haven’t fucked anything up.”

“I’ve been a shit husband most of the time. I went back to the job without even telling you. I put it before you and the kids. What kind of asshole does that? What kind of asshole says the things I’ve said? Breaks every goddamn promise?”

“Things were bad then,” she reminds him. “We were in a bad place. We both screwed up; it wasn’t just you. We both lied and said shitty things to each other and tried to hurt one another. But that’s not us anymore. We haven’t been that way in a long time.”

“Six months is NOT a long time.”

“Everything is better now,” she continues. “WE’RE better. If we were anything like we were before, we would have fought a million times already. And you’d be drinking constantly and back on Oxy and everything would be falling apart. But those people don’t exist anymore. We left them behind when we left Colorado. We left them there and we’re not going back for them,”

“What if they find us?” Tyler asks.

“They won’t,” she confidently replies. “They’re long gone. We’re more now. So much better. And you can’t tell me you can’t feel that too. How things have changed. How WE’VE changed.”

“I do,” he admits. “Every day gets a little better.”

“Don’t ever say you’ve always fucked things up. Because that’s so far from the truth. You’ve always done whatever you had to to make sure the kids and I are safe and happy and taken care of. You’ve always done what you had to do to provide for us; even if it wasn’t always a decision I agreed with. You’ve always taken care of us. And we no one else can ever say differently.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Or those kids.”

“I know,” she pulls back to look at him, one hand on the back of his head, the other on his cheek. “You’re a good man, Tyler. Even if you don’t think so. You’ve got to let it go. All that guilt and regret and self loathing. All of it. Because you’re not the same person anymore. You’re not the same man that left Austin or the one in Dhaka or the one that existed when we split up for six months. He’s gone. He doesn’t exist anymore. And you’ve got to let that bullshit go. Because you’ve more than redeemed yourself. So if you’re doing this...Mumbai...because you’re looking for some kind of absolution…”

“That is NOT why I’m doing it.”

“...you’re not going to find it. There’s nothing TO find. That moment on the bridge...when Farhad shot you...absolution found YOU. It was over right there and then. You don’t have to keep looking for it. It’s done. There’s nothing more to be forgiven for.”

He swallows noisily around the knot of emotion sitting in this throat; hand resting on the small of her back, lips pressed to her shoulder. Eyes closing in an attempt to hold back the threatening flood of hot, bitter tears.

****

It’s two thirty in the morning and he finds himself awake. Sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by file folders, loose pieces of paper, and his laptop, sipping black coffee in an effort to ward off any grogginess. He’d managed an hour and a half of sleep; a record for the past few days. Woken up by pain and anxiety; chest aching, body covered in a cold sweat, panic gnawing at him and threatening to consume him from the inside out. He laid in bed for another hour; staring up at the ceiling as he attempted to calm himself and will both his mind and body to sleep. Somewhat comforted by the sound of his wife’s soft, rhythmic breathing and the warmth of her body pressed against his. But every time he closed his eyes the images remained; bloody and gruesome and horrific. Eventually it had become too much to bear and staying awake became the only option to preserve what’s left of his sanity. And he’s so focused on the work spread out in front of him and the hotel blueprints on the screen of the laptop, that he doesn’t realize she’s joined him in the kitchen. Not until she’s standing behind his chair; curling an arm around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“What are you doing?” she asks, voice groggy from sleep.

“Just going over some stuff.”

“You’ve been going over it non stop for four days. How many more times do you need to look at it?” There’s no judgment in her voice. No nagging. Just concern.

“Gotta keep my mind busy,” Tyler reasons.

“At two thirty in the morning?” She brushes the tip of her nose against his ear, then kisses it. And he smiles as he lays a hand on her forearm and turns his face into hers and kisses her.

“There can’t be any fuck ups.

“There won’t be,” she assures him. “You don’t fuck up. And you especially won’t fuck up when it’s THIS important. You should be sleeping.”

“So should you. Another nightmare?”

“No. Addie woke up for a feed. She went back to sleep right away. She’s getting bigger. Well bigger for her.” She gives a light laugh. “She just may fit into those newborn clothes soon. It only took seven weeks, but…”

“Yeah, she’s a tiny one.” he smiles. “Just a little peanut.”

“I love when you call her that. Your little peanut. I was kind of worried. When I woke up and you weren’t there.”

“Where’d you think I was?”

“You want the rational or irrational answer? It’s so late. Or so early. Whichever way you want to look at it. Do you really need to do this now? You should be upstairs. In bed. With me.” She pecks the corner of his mouth, then presses a series of kisses along his jaw. “I’m needy.”

He grins. “Lately you are, yeah.”

“I can’t help how much I want you, How much I need to be with you. To feel you beside me. INSIDE of me. Who knows how long it's going to be before any of that happens again. You can do this later.”

“Won’t be any time tomorrow. What with Millie’s party and all the people that will be here. And I leave the next day, so…”

“Things aren’t starting until the second day you’re in Mumbai, right? Leave it to then. You don’t need to do this right now. Come to bed, Tyler. And stay there. There’s no reason for this.”

“I can’t sleep. And I don’t want to keep you up by tossing and turning all night.”

“You don’t HAVE to sleep.” Her chin rests on his shoulders, hands over his shoulders and down his chest. “There’s other things that can keep your body...especially your hands...busy. I need this. I need YOU.” Her lips press against the side of his neck, fingertips drifting over each well defined ab muscle, then just above the waist of his sweats. “So come to bed. Please.”

“Just give me a few minutes. Let me just get a couple things done and…”

“No.” She reaches out and snaps the lid on the laptop closed. “Enough. Stop torturing yourself like this. Stop dwelling on it and second guessing yourself and thinking about nothing but the worst case scenarios. Stop. Please. I need you to stop.”

“Esme, I know you mean well. And I know you’re worried about me; trust me when I say I appreciate it and I love you so much for it. But…”

“There’s no ‘buts’. Not a single one. You’ve been over this shit a million times. You don’t need to go over it a million more. It’s become an obsession. This whole goddamn thing. And it’s messing with your brain and it’s turning you into someone I don't even recognize. I NEED you to stop.”

Tyler sighs and leans back in his chair. “What do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want from you?” She shoves the laptop away and squeezes herself between him and the table, perching herself on the edge. “I want you to stop. I want you to stop obsessing over this and letting it eat you alive. I see what this is doing to you and I hate it and I won’t just sit back and watch it destroy you.”

“I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to protect my kids.”

“And you ARE. You ARE protecting us. And I trust you to protect us. But it doesn’t have to break you. It doesn’t have to destroy you. It doesn’t have to destroy US. Is that what you want? You want this to ruin us? Everything that we’ve worked so fucking hard for?”

“Of course not, baby. That’s not what I want.”

“You need to step back from this, Tyler. There’s other ways to protect us. You don’t need to do this.”

“Yes. I do.”

“No.” She clasps his face in her hands. “You don’t. There are other ways. You know there are.”

“They have to pay. They DESERVE to pay.”

“And they will. But you don’t have to be the one that does it.”

“I do,” he insists. “You know I do.”

“Why? Do you think you have something to prove? Do you think I’ll somehow think less of you if you DON’T do this? That will never happen. I could never...ever...think less of you. Just hand this over to someone else and stay at Anil’s with me and the kids and protect us that way.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand.”

“I DO understand. I know you think this is up to you. I know you think you should be the one that goes after them because it’s your family that’s being threatened. But I am telling you right now, it does NOT have to be you.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” His palms rest on her thighs, and he places a kiss to each of her knees before looking up at her. “It has to be.”

“This will kill us. This will tear us about.”

“It won’t.”

“It’s already starting to. Because you’re closing yourself off. You won’t let me in. You won’t talk to me about anything, you won’t tell me what’s going on in your head, you won’t...”

“I can’t sleep because I don’t want to sleep,” Tyler confesses. “Because I’ve been having nightmares. Fucking horrible ones.”

“About me?”

“And the kids.”

“When did they start?”

“Soon as we got back. Soon as I started working on all of this.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What could you do about it? You can’t stop them. You can’t make them go away. And I see these things happening...the things in the nightmares...every time I close my eyes. And that’s why I CAN’T sleep. Because I don’t want to see all of that.”

“Tyler…” she presses a kiss to his brow and then buries her fingers in his hair, drawing his head down into her. “...I’m sorry…I’m sorry your brain is like this.”

“I can’t make it stop. I can’t get it out of my head. The things they’ll do to you. The things they’ll do to my kids.”

“It’s okay,” she strokes his hair and the back of his neck, feeling the tears that soak straight through her shirt. “It’s going to be okay. YOU’RE going to be okay.”

“That’s why I have to do this. It’s why I need to be the one that goes after them. That kills them. I want to make them suffer. I want them to beg me for mercy and I want to stand there and watch them die. That’s the only thing that’s going to make this all go away. And I’m sorry. That it has to happen this way.”

“I don’t want this breaking you. I don’t want this destroying us.”

“It won’t. I won’t let it. I love you. So fucking much. And that’s why it has to be me.”

“Okay,” Esme relents, then tugs at his hair, encouraging him to look up at her. “ I love you. More than I ever thought I could ever love someone. And I just want you to be safe. I just want you to be okay.”

“I will,” Tyler promises. “I’ll be okay.”

She gives a small smile, then leans over and presses a kiss to his lips. “Come to bed,” she says, as her fingers drift through his hair. “I need to be close to you. As close as possible. Just come to bed.” She kisses him again, and this time when she attempts to pull away, he clamps a hand down on the back of her head, holding her firmly in place. And she can taste the salt of his tears on his lips as the kiss deepens. Becoming urgent. Needy. Desperate.

A kiss filled with fear. The worry that neither of them will get that chance...that kind of kiss...again.

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fiction #tyler rake fan fic #best part of me #extraction #chris hemsworth character

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