#TwinlessTwin

[thecpdiary]

Twin Grief

Losing my twin has been deeply distressing and has had a profound impact on me, as I am not only experiencing the grief of losing her, but I am also grappling with my own identity and sense-of-self as a twin and finding a place without her.

Twin set

For those who are part of the twin set, they will know twin loss is particularly challenging, because it disrupts the unique dynamic and connection that twins share.

Self-care is essential

I know that taking care of my own well-being is crucial. Grief can be physically and emotionally draining, so prioritising my self-care and relaxation is important, whether it's practicing mindfulness, or nurturing my own well-being, that allows me to find my own place in this world without her.

My twin has found her peace

It has been a year and my twin has found her peace in the spirit realm; the peace she craved here, now without her I need to find mine. It's not guilt I feel, but I do have to find a way to live my life comfortably and for the first time without her. Grieving is a gradual journey. There are days when I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.

Through my writing, I would like to continue to hold space for her in my heart and incorporate her memory into my life. Keeping her spirit alive continues to provide comfort and a sense of continued connection.

I need to give myself time and to make peace with the fact that she is no longer here.

For Sheila x

For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[reddfoxsparkles]

Happy World Premi day! 💖🦊 Thank you SickKids for all the help they gave me in my first 18 years. I will forever be greatful for all the doctors and nurses. 💖🦊 The last two photos are the only photos ever taken of my sister! 😇 Heather Lena Tillmanns 😇 I would love to connect with the nurses I have on all these and more photos who took care of me at Sick Kids. I have had so many over the years but meeting the ones that actually took care of me when I was that little and sick would be so amazing. To show them that all the work and care they gave me pulled off. Nurses like them are some of the truest of hero's IMO #twin #mytwonandi #worldprematurityday #worldprematurityday2020 #heatherlenatillmanns #angeltwin #twinlesstwin #wondwrwhatlifewouldbelifelike #missyousister #neverreallyknewyou #myangeltwin #heatherandstephanie World Prematurity Day (at Sickkids Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWYIVBXLU1Q/?utm_medium=tumblr

[neverwholeagain]

Always Lonely?

Growing up, I always felt sort of lonely. I didn’t really know what happened to my twin before a certain age. We didn’t really talk about her, at least no one did around me. But, I still felt not quite right. Like, no matter what I did or how many people I met and befriended, there was something missing.  I’m sure that sounds super cliche and cheesy, but it’s the truth.  To this day, I worry I won’t ever stop feeling this way. This sort of sad, empty feeling.  I worry I will never find a soulmate, because maybe I lost mine already...

[bluestwos]

First Mothers Day/ 5 Months Later

5.12.20

My first Mother’s Day was emotional but overall pretty pleasant. I reminded myself to stay positive today and it helped that I felt and was treated special. If I didn't have Kelenna than that day would’ve been extremely hard. Then again, not sure I would’ve survived losing both my girls...

Back to a lighter note, back to a lighter note. My mother-in-law made french toast for breakfast, mimosas (that only I drank), and gave me a card with flowers. Frank gave me a dash cam (#engineerhusband) which I’m pretty excited for. Frank played photographer as I dressed Kelenna and myself up. During these quarantine days, making yourself look pretty at least once a month is really great for your self-esteem :). I’m happy we got to document this day with her. She melts my heart and I am beyond grateful for her. I love how her little personality is continuing to grow and show. She’s truly the perfect miracle in my  life. She’s always been a fighter and I can’t stay mad at her- even when she’s refusing to breastfeed (insert *eye roll* emoji).

I miss Chioma. She should’ve been here to experience her first Mother’s Day. I know I will say it over and over but the feeling of loss will never go away. I made sure Frank and I set aside time to revisit Chioma’s memory box (similar to the one pictured below). You may think that having pictures of a child you loss and the moments when you got to hold them and say goodbye would be hard to look at or something no parent would want, but I’m glad we have those pictures. They pull us back to those moments when we were full of love, heartbreak, and sadness. Her memory box includes things like: 2 multi-page letters we wrote to her after she died, a Disney pin that says “I’m am celebrating Twins” from our baby moon, a bracelet with her name wrapped around a premie beanie, cards documenting her birth, hand and foot prints, and a memory book to write notes to/or about her. We’re so thankful for the nurse that made it for us and the pictures of her hands and feet that were taken after we said our goodbyes. We also printed pictures from my pregnancy and some ultrasounds to add to the box.

I was ready to be in a place to grieve but my tears wouldn’t flow. I blame the drugs. Another reason why i want to stop taking them. I really could’ve used a good cry. We still need to set aside time to transfer her ashes. We’ve picked a place to scatter/bury whatever doesn’t fit in the heart-shaped urn and my keepsake necklace. Don’t know if any moment will be the right time but I know it needs to happen. If not soon then at least before what would’ve been her first birthday.

[romanticmedievalist]

Happy birthday, sis. The world couldn’t handle two of us, so I celebrate our birthday as I always do, once for me and twice for you. You are never far from my thoughts or my heart, and I know we will meet in heaven one day. Sending you all my love, always and forever. #TwinlessTwin #HappyBirthday https://www.instagram.com/p/B6rC5QKA2wx/?igshid=1qxdg1bleaouj

[allisonreich]

✨Add SHINE to your days✨ TwoAugust.com (at Las Vegas, Nevada) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6bfp1el8F4/?igshid=ay2d8tth3dcf

[moniquerichard]

"Identity", the first image in my current series in dedication to my identical twin Suzanne. It was a necessary painting to start with, as literally I felt half alive when she died. It has been an emotional and long creative process, and necessary for my healing.... hopefully I will complete this series this next year... #twinlesstwin #aworkinprogress #twin #painting #oil #portrait #selfportrait #artist_life #artistsoninstagram

[smile-in-my-eyes]

A face so perfect God had to make it twice. Matthias, we love you, we miss you, we wish you were here. Thirteen days with you was far too short and now two years without you has been far too long. Thank you for watching over us alongside your big brother Rikley, so badly we wish we were the ones watching over and looking out for you as you grew into your own perfect person. #inlovingmemory #infantloss #infantlossawareness #childloss #childlossawareness #foreverinourhearts #grief #loss #nilmdts #guardianangel #twins #twinlesstwin #babyboy #littlebrother #24weektwins #24weeker #lifeafterloss #preemie #micropreemie #preemiemom #micropreemiemom #neverforget #prematurityawareness #channelmumvillage @channelmum @thebump #mybump #myformerbump #motherofthree #familyoffive #bcwomens (at BC Women's Hospital) https://www.instagram.com/p/BzOynB1lML_/?igshid=14lb9zeg44onf

[itsalesbianx3]

You don’t want to...

Can you imagine carrying around a child who has passed away in your womb for weeks.. for months? Seeing her lay there without a heart beat as her brother carries on. Can you imagine people saying oh he’s getting so big touching your stomach and having to be strong and just say yep! When they are pressing on your child that passed away? Can you imagine having no type of closure for months and carrying on every day acting like it is all okay? Tomorrow is my birthday. All I can think is I’ll never get to celebrate my little girls birthday.

[missepitome]

Happy birthday to my beautiful princess @TaliaGCG & my Prince #Tanou I cant believe the year I've had I have an amazing little person in my life that I couldn't imagine my life without and I post a special little person who I'm always thinking about I've never posted pictures of me holding my little Prince for the first and last time and I finally feel comfortable today .... I have so many pictures of those long 5 months I spent in the #NICU learning everything I needed to get my baby home, she showed such incredible strength she is resilient in every sense of the word... She's had a corky, happy upbeat personality which I love she's my world I live her to pieces I wish her a happy birthday and so many more to come 🎂🍭🎂🍭🍦🍰🎂🍭🍩��Also a big shout out to the family and friends that came to the hospital, called me facetimed me and constantly check on Talia and me to show us support and love I love you all you helped me they this year R.I.P Tanou #micropremie #preemie #preemiemom #nicu #twins #twin #twinlesstwin #birthday #firstbirthday #scorpio #beautiful #baby #babygirl #family #love #nyc #american #TaliaGCG #dominican #guinea #conakry #african #africa #africanbaby

[mandraix]

Look at this sleeping cutie. He let me lay him down but only after I gave up my blanket 😭 #baby #babyboy #sleeping #sleepthief #twinlesstwin #icantbeliveit #ninemonths

[thecpdiary]

My Twin

I'm not going to lie, there is no talk of the pandemic being finished, and I'm finding life without my twin difficult. I never imagined my life would end like this or that I would have to learn to live my life without my twin.

There isn't a day that goes by, where my twin isn't in my thoughts.

Life is proving difficult

I don't know how to do life without my twin. Lucky enough to be born with a twin, I've always had someone there. To live life as someone single; as an independent is proving more difficult than I imagined.

Struggling to adapt

I am struggling to adapt and in the pandemic. My life without Sheila is harder than I imagined. Like all siblings and/or twins we had our ups and downs, but our unit was solid. It isn't there now and that is my struggle.

'The twins'

Growing up, we were always referred to 'as the twins'. I hated it, she hated it, we craved our own independence. Looking back, I'd give anything to have that unit back. We 'were just the twins.

Now it's just me and my struggles continue without my twin.

For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[neverwholeagain]

Two Halves

It’s hard for solitary children to truly understand what it is to be a twin, triplet, and so on.  However, in the same way, it is hard for us to truly understand what it is to be a solitary child.

[bluestwos]

TRIGGER WARNING. January 5th, 2021

It’s been a while and I know I have a things to celebrate but currently I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face and leaning on a damp spot on our blanket. I just finally let the floodgates open so that I can just cry about Chioma. Through my tears I shared with Frank that there are parts of me that feel guilty because with how well Kelenna been doing, I’ve allowed myself to, In a way, forget about Chioma. It’s weird, because I would rather have Chioma to not have even been in existence or to just move on and allow a Kelenna to fill that void of caused by loss. But it’s not that easy because Kelenna is her twin. I carried them both for 22 weeks. I still wonder what she would’ve looked like, what personality she would have had, and sometimes I wonder if Kelenna absorbed all that energy.

My Rant: Through my tears I also mentioned how I miss my dad and that I can’t mourn both of them separately. It’s hard to mourn them separately since they both died in 2019. It’s so hard to move on in the world when life is telling you to or at least urging you to. And I continue to ask myself will having another child how complete that void? While having another child will be just as emotionally stressful because of my first pregnancy, will I be allowed to just have a regular straightforward pregnancy? I deserve a regular straightforward, 34-to-36 week pregnancy. I hate being jealous of women who have destroyed four pregnancies you know? Just pregnancies that make it look so easy to have a baby, to have two babies, to have three babies! It’s not fair that there are women out there who have experienced miscarriage and loss once or multiple times! The pain is just too much and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but it exists and it’s a thing we should not hide. Miscarriage is actually pretty common and I applaud those who share their story especially because it’s for those of us who have experienced miscarriage and may not want to share the trauma with the world. We even have to deal with the trauma of witness other people do it so “successfully” and it hurts every time. It’s not their fault that it hurts us but it does and it’s extremely triggering...extremely triggering but it’s not their fault. We have every right to feel the way that we feel and every right to be able to work through this process the way we choose because we put in the work and we carry that badge of courage and that badge of strength and perseverance.

My clarity: I am very thankful and count my blessings every day. There aren’t many of us who suffer loss and life. Kelenna’s life gives me life and seeing her thrive makes me extremely thankful- EXTREMELY THANKFUL. Thankful for all that she’s accomplished in a year. Thankful for her sister and guardian angel. Thankful for the love and support we get from our family and friends. Thankful for a beautiful, intelligent, inquisitive, persistent, resilient, humorous, kind, observant moon child. Thankful for the chance to hug and kiss her when I’m feeling down and missing her sister and grandpa. Thankful for her life and that I am around to see it. She truly brings us joy.

Photos: Us at San Andreas Damn on Sawyer Camp Trail, Kelenna pushing and pulling at the baby gate, Frank holding up Kelenna in a reusable grocery bag (she got a kick out of this!)

[linds-hope]

I search for you

My sweet baby-

I search for you in the faces amoung the crowds even though I know you’ll never be there. My heart aches as i search for you through my dreams. I search looking for anything you left behind that I haven’t seen before. My sweet baby your momma died that day with you and now I search for my existence...

I often search for the stars in the sky in hopes that when one shoots by I can feel a tiny bit of you... I search for reasons your gone and I search for ways to grieve...

I search for life after death for hope when there is none... I search for the person I was before you were taken... I search for the love I gave you and the memories I will keep forever... my sweet boy I’ll search for anything that keeps a small part of you here with me... I love you more than the moon loves the dark sky...

See you in Heaven 💙

[allisonreich]

Http://TwoAugust.com Pins for twins & inspirational pins designed by me, @allisonreich 💛A portion of every purchase will be donated to @neda 💛 . . . #pins #enamelpins #enamelpinsforsale #enamelpin #twins #twinsofinstagram #twinsies #twinloss #twinlove #twinlesstwin #twinlesstwins #twin #ED #eatingdisorder #recoverygift #youareenough #selfworth #selflove #inspirational #inspirationalquotes #etsy #etsyshop #twin#twinbond #gifts #giftideas #holidaygifts #holidaygiftideas ##xoxo (at Las Vegas, Nevada) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGV9ad3leZF/?igshid=1p7nb0q7ta1lg