#Tumblr is testing my patience

[krea2re]

1 good drawing. one bad drawing

[snnydcysarchh]

so her open starters don't show up on the dash on my other blogs, but it shows up here..... what the fuck is going on

[vanilla-phantoms]

So hear me out. Yknow ye baiyi and rong changqing. What if yby gets hanahaki but when he becomes immortal it doesn’t cure it it just means that it can’t kill him, and so yby has this progressive terrible disease that gets far worse than it would be capable of getting in a normal living person, and he continues to have it even after rcq dies

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[caycanteven]

"Sit still, Lamb...or I'll make sure you can't move tomorrow…”

Horrortale Sans belongs to Sour Apple Studios!

Lex belongs to me.

[deathontheroad]

*kicks door open*

IT'S TRICK-OR-TREATING SEASON!!!!!

Hello, hello, dear mutuals and random people seeing this, it's so nice seeing you in this fine spooky month! :D

We usually only celebrate Halloween on October 31st in my country, but screw that! I don't have enough patience to wait that long. >:3

[crimeronan]

oh god i can't make the death note poll unrebloggable so i'm about to deal with a week of idiot leftists smugly saying "billionaires aren't people" in my notes like they're doing something interesting. i get that i started this by disrespecting the sanctity of human life in the first place but can you all please just fucking admit that empathy is a social construct that you turn off at will and that you don't give a fuck about billionaires as people because you've chosen not to give a fuck that theyre people. They Are Still People. sincerely a sociopath who actually thinks about this stuff. unlike Some Fucking Tumblr Users, Apparently,

[loopyserver]

She's back!

[incandescentia]

[taurusicidal]

some people in my circle have been testing me lately and it’s ruining my patience. sorry if i haven’t been active here.

i’m just trying to protect my peace and everyone else.

[catboyolli]

me: *gets the vaccine for dengue fever*

also me: hmmm i wonder why i'm constantly shivering and feeling as if i had a fever :)

[majorbaby]

one time in response to an anon who tried, however politely, to argue that Boston Brahmin Charles Winchester was less racist than Frank, I explained that on the surface it might seem so if we rely on some subjective spectrum of overt vs. covert racism...

(which I think is unwise to do when the media in question is 40 years old, has a near all-white cast and is set during the Korean war but that's just my onion)

... where "overt" might be something like Oliver's nickname being a racial slur and "covert" is whatever it is people think is "covert racism" post season 3/4/??? of MASH. idk, I did say we shouldn't do this and this is exactly why.

anyway, my original point was that in response to that anon i'd said something like 'perhaps in terms of slurs uttered per minute one might imagine that charles is ~less racist~ than frank' and went onto explain why that's not really a useful metric by which to measure the impact of racial bias. but in season 7's opener, Commander Pierce, Charles calls Klinger a "Levantine Thug" which is explicitly, fantastically racist! It's like a 3-for-1 package deal on racism! Antisemitic! Islamophobic! Anti-asian! There might even be more groups that are negatively implicated, I'm just limited by my knowledge on the history of the Levant region, which has at some point been home to a long list of people of various ethic groups who observe various religions and speak various languages.

what's softer or less noticeable about "[geographical region] thug" out of the mouth of an upperclass white antagonist? something like that may even more obvious now than the utterance of racial slurs that are less commonly used because more people now know we shouldn't use them.

[frigginconfused]

If I ever leave this site it won't be the "tumblr is dying" scare, it'll be because I can't scroll 3 posts without seeing a porn bots post blasted into my eyes via my followed tags or recommended

[rush-nimby]

Alternate Universe Tarot

XVII: The Saint

devotion, sacrifice, blind faith, martyrdom

XIX: The Deity

omniscience, the bigger picture, isolation

[scudevils]

girl i need help with something 😭😭 idk why but my messages arent going through

omg no i haven’t got any of your messages you good?

[sh1-n0bu]

hmmm so its back to square one again huh