#Tonight is a night for nostalgia and a little bit of wallowing of the healthy sort

[stardustedknuckles]

I can grow up and learn to handle my issues and I can gently make fun of Coldplay as a phenomenon and a phase but I am never more than a single "fix you" or "the scientist" away from staring at my ceiling with tears rolling down my temples into my pillow and that's just a fact.

[stachmousworld]

True love (Lesbian story)

Maria Borges and Neelam Gill by Jonas Bresnan for L’oreal Paris (picture and caption found on @/sand-snake-kate)

Pairing: Mara x Carole

It’s not tragic. I love drama too much.

The main character’s POV is unreliable

Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

Mara’s POV

She needed to get out. Like yesterday. The rush was making her dizzy. Her knees buckled and sweat was running down her spine. God.... Everything was going south, and she didn’t know how to react. She went out in the backyard then straight to the biggest car to hide herself. She fell onto the floor, head between her bent legs.

Breath in. Breath out.

A few hours ago, they decided to go to this party. She wasn’t really a party animal and would have rather stayed at home but the smile on her girlfriend’s face had been enough to convince her. Carole, her girlfriend, had been a ray of sunshine in her life. And Mara felt as if she was a burden. She didn’t like most of the things Carole did. Hell, they didn’t even come from the same social circle, and they still managed to make it work to her own surprise and against all odds.

A little earlier today, she had decided to put make up and doll up for Carole. It has been a long time since she had done that. Her work as a nurse had become a little bit more tedious, the more the festivities of Christmas approached.  

Mara was rarely at home when Carole was, and she missed her dearly. But…every time they talked to each other; Mara was expecting the other shoe to drop; for Carole, to tell her that they were through. And she knew it wasn’t healthy. At all. But Mara was unable to face Carole without that kind of thoughts running through her mind.

She sighed deeply. What a clusterfuck.

“Need a hand?”

Mara rolled on the concrete and hit her head on the tire. The fuck! She hissed in pain and finally noticed the presence of the stranger next to her.

“Sorry, I thought you heard me,” the girl said.

Mara grumpily accepted her help but stayed on the floor.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“Don’t mention it.”

Mara expected the girl to say add something. There were more than a dozen cars she could have chosen, and she chose Mara’s.

“Do you need something?” Mara asked, annoyed.

The girl shook her head and focused on Mara.

“No, no, I guess I saw you and wanted to be myself alone.”

Mara raised an eyebrow. “There are enough cars in the parking lot for you to hide and wallow in your sorrow. And yet...”

The girl flushed heavily. “No…no I didn’t mean it like that.” She avoided her eyes. “It is just that you looked…I don’t know, it seems like both our nights were going bad and I…”

“It’s okay. It was a joke”, Mara interrupted. She wasn’t sure to understand what the other girl was saying but she felt it in a deeply subconscious way.

“Yeah? A joke. You must be thinking that I’m stupid?”

“Nope. Unless you threw up on your crush. Then yes, that’d be pretty stupid.”

“If only. If only,” she sighed. “I wish it was only that simple.”

Mara looked at her for a few seconds and considered the situation. The quicker the girl talked about what upset her and the quicker she’d be out of her sight.

“What happened?”

The girl threw a quick glance at her.

“You don’t really want to know,” she replied instead with self-deprecation.

Mara sighed inwardly. She wasn’t ready for this kind of shit. She should get up and move, but her body obey.

“If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t ask, so…”

The girl took a shaky breath and released it before speaking. Mara expected a deep and concerning declaration, because the girl looked as if she’d seen something deeply disturbing.

“I saw my ex at the party. We had been together since we were 13. I didn’t…I never imagined my life without her by my side. But two years ago, I sent out of the country. I’m in the military. Had to go overseas for the foreseeable future. Didn’t know when I’d be back. I wanted to marry her, you know. And then the whole thing went downhill. She… (her throat choked up and she stumbled on her words, Mara felt sick and cold, as the girl went on), had met someone. From her bookstore. A girl, who wasn’t in the army and could be there for her every goddamn day. Fuck! she screamed. I would have given her the world and she broke up with me for someone else.

 Silence.

 Mara couldn’t really breath. Her blood was rushing in her body and she could feel dizziness take over her. Goddamn it. She was feeling…She heaved. The girl, who she figured out was Carole’s ex, patted her back and held her hair, even though Mara wasn’t really puking. If she knew who Mara was, she’d probably leave her chocking on her own vomit.

 A few minutes passed before Mara was calm. Physically because mentally she was a mess.

“Are you okay?”

No, she wanted to reply but settled on silence.

“Do you want some water? It will help with the nausea.”

Mara accepted the bottle, eyed the content and drank it. It tasted like normal water, but it could be poisoned for what she knew.

The girl made sure she wasn’t taking large sips and held her upright. Mara couldn’t understand why Carole didn’t stay with this girl. Unless she wanted the boring, safest option. Something you kind of like because it is next to you and will never leave you. The boring type. Where passion was not needed, as you settled for a white picket fence, a dog, two kids and a shitty job.

 God, could this night be shittier.

 “I’m good, thanks,” Mara said, as she handed the bottle of water. The girl, which name was still unknown, for Mara had never asked to Carole, was starting to reply when they heard footsteps.

Silence.

“Mara!”

She closed her eyes in recognition. Carole was looking for her. Great! Totally and fantastically great. That’s really what she needed tonight. She decided to put an end to this play and be the adult for once. The boring one.

She stood up despite her dizziness. The girl on the floor was looking at her quizzically. Mara frowned.

“Mara!”

Carole screamed as she saw her. She ran toward Mara and hugged her firmly. She took her head between her hands and kissed her nose.

The boring one, she heard the voice in her head repeat.

Mara stepped back when Carole tried to properly kiss her and looked down to where her ex was.

“Ce’?”

“El’?”

Mara swallowed with difficulty. She felt as if she had swallowed a ball. A grenade threatening to explode any minutes from now. She observed them. They were staring at each other with longing. She sighed shakily and clenched and unclenched her fingers. I can make it through. I prepared myself for this kind of situation, everything is going to feel like hell but hey, I knew it, she thought cynically.

“You still wear it?” El’ said, almost imperceptibly.

Carole put a hand on her chest, where there was a necklace and a ring. Oh. It did explain her words: “I wanted to marry her”.

Oh God…Mara was a fool. A fool. The concrete seemed to swallow her and her vision tunneled. They didn’t even seem to notice. A tear rolled down her cheek. She sniffed without sound.

 Move, Move, go away, let them have their happy ending, you don’t have to torture yourself, she repeated herself, unable to do so.

 In her sorrow, she didn’t catch if Carole replied. El’ looked relieved and pained. Carole was toying with the ring mindlessly. Mara felt as if a million small cuts appeared in her heart. Sometimes, when Carole didn’t notice she’d look at her, she’d be toying with this ring. For the longest time Mara had thought it was just nostalgia that made her keep it. But maybe she was wrong, maybe it was more than that. Unfinished business. Love and Hope.

The boring one, the voice muttered sweetly in her head.

Mara toyed with the sleeve of her shirt. And listened to the rest of the conversation.

“Why are you here, El’?”

“I…m back, love. The tour just ended and I’m back for good. I have bought a house; the one we wanted. I’m back for good.”

Mara was transfixed by the main expression on Carole’s face. Happiness. She never looked at her like that.  She stepped back and gripped her chest as a blooming pain erupted.

Get a grip. Let her go, she convinced herself.

“I’m…No…I’m with someone else, El’”.

There was a short uncomfortable silence. Mara didn’t dare make a move to attract a lot the attention.

“Oh, I…I didn’t think…I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.”

Mara gulped some much-needed air. She should be relieved, happy that Carole had chosen her. What was wrong with her? Couldn’t she be for once selfish?

“It is ok”, Mara finally said. “I understand if you want to be with her.”

Carole tried to interject and took a step toward her.

“She only talked to you for a few minutes and you look happier than the whole two years we’ve been together. Fuck, I’m exhausted.”

Carole tried to reach for her, but she backed away, still avoiding looking at either of them.

“I don’t want to be the one to hold you back. I just want you to be…happy,” she said, choking on the last word. “You don’t have to settle for the safe one, now,” she finished with a brittle smile.

Silence.

It was almost too silent. Mara raised her eyes. Carole looked shocked beyond words; she was gaping. El’ was looking at her with a weird expression. Mara gave them a little smile before running away.

In the nighttime, only the neon of her shoes shone. The sound of her steps on the concrete disrupted the loud music of the nature. Through her blurred eyes, the world seemed brighter.

Mara took off the first moment she could. She had retrieved her clothes from Carole’s place, and left. If she had stayed and seen her…she shook her head. She didn’t want to think of that.

She booked a ticket for the West Coast. Somewhere she’d never been. “Let’s go on an adventure”, they had promised to each other.

She thought she heard Carole’s laugh in the crowded airport. But she was alone. Lonely. She…had never travelled before. She had wished they’d do it together. Carole had promised her, she’d show her the world and be her adventurer and guide.

I guess, it was all for naught, she cried, as she boarded.

As the plane took off, she gripped the armchair, wishing it was her hand in hers.

 I love you, my love, she whispered as the plane reached the sky. Its beauty rendered her speechless. I hope you are happy.

 Part 2