solivagant242

[solivagant242]

greetings!

i am in fact still alive and working on completing losing you.

so sorry for the delay, uni is uni-ing and i'm trying to keep the 4.0...but i'll continue with the writing and i hope you lovely people enjoy 🥰

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 11

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: hospital, car accident, angst

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6 pt. 7 pt. 8 pt. 9 pt.10

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

“James, have you fed him yet?”

“I thought you did”-

“Well, I didn’t so now he’s apparently had two breakfasts”-

“DAAAA!” shrieks baby Harry, waving his chubby fists in the air. Lily kisses his forehead in passing as she tugs the oven door open, using her hip to nudge Harry’s high chair further back. 

James pokes his head through the kitchen door. Sawdust speckles his hair and coat. “Amberly, would you like to help me carry this over to Sirius’ place? I’ve finished the chair and we can leave it there while he’s at work.”

“Breaking and entering, I see,” quips Amberly as she grabs her coat. “Shall I bring my wand?”

He scoffs. “As if Sirius has ever remembered to lock his front door in his life. Now his garage, though- where Minerva is- that’s a different story.”

Amberly laughs, tugging on white earmuffs. “Are we taking the van?”

“You’ll have to put down the back seats,” chimes Lily. She places a paper bag in James’ hand, standing on tiptoes to hug him. “And move Harry’s car seat.”

Amberly turns to tug on her boots, trying to ignore the little twinge of pain in her chest that always pops up when they’re affectionate with each other. Trying to tune out the loneliness that’s been running rampant in her head. 

She’s been staying with James and Lily for the last few weeks, ever since getting discharged from the hospital with no more than a concussion and a stern warning to “take it easy” over the next few days- a task that Sirius immediately surrendered after he brought her home at eleven p.m. and discovered her up at two vacuuming his (admittedly dusty) living room. Barring the occasional headache in bright light, she feels fine. Back to normal.

Minus Remus.

Amberly hasn’t heard from him. At least she doesn’t think she has. James and Lily have kept him out of her recovery; even though they try to keep it from her, she’s positive she’s heard his voice on the doorstep for several nights in a row now, always followed by James’ voice speaking firmly but softly. 

She hasn’t seen him, and she hasn’t even been back to their house. Her phone, which had been cracked in the hit-and-run, has been entirely useless for contacting anyone, and Lily has insisted on waiting till the end of the month to get her a new one (“that’s when they’re the cheapest, you know!”). 

But she misses him. 

She misses the smell of his cologne when she hugged him, and the soft of his hair in her hands, the rough scratch of stubble on her cheek when he kissed her. She misses his touch in the night, warm arms curling around her.

A tiny part of her wants to go back to before, even if it meant hiding from his bad moods and dodging his irritability. But another, much larger part abjectly refuses to entertain the idea. 

Have you NO self-respect? screams her subconscious as she makes her way to the garage with James, tugging on her gloves. They’ve spent the last few weeks building an elaborate rocking chair with carvings of pawprints on the back, a birthday gift for Sirius as the autumn fell over the evenings like a cloak. Would you put up with that now? 

Amberly is ashamed to admit that she might. Because as much as she tries to detach herself, she knows that she’s still in love with Remus. 

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 10

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, swearing, hospital, car accident

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6 pt. 7 pt. 8 pt. 9 pt. 11

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

“Moony, have you eaten yet?” Her dark head pokes around the corner, framed by the untidy soft curls that he’d always longed to push back from her face. “It’s nearly three.”

He rests his burning eyes on his hands, groaning. “It is?”

She perches on the edge of his desk and leans forward to press a soft kiss on his cheek. “Yes, it is. Did you have lunch?”

Remus grimaces. “Forgot.”

Amberly sighs. “You need to eat, love.”

Her hands find their familiar spot in his hair and he pulls her into him by the waist, savoring the smell of lavender that’s imbued in her clothes and skin. “Thanks for checking on me.”

She nuzzles into his shoulder. “Of course.”

She was so warm. She’d always been warm, everything from those chocolate-colored eyes to her pale, gentle hands that had always been able to soothe his scars and wounds and fears. Her smile melted him like spring sunlight on stubborn snow.

Amberly stroked the back of his head. “It’s okay, Moony.”

He chucked a piece of crumpled paper across the room, fists clenched. “I should have gotten better than that”-

“You did the best you could, right? It’s not like you didn’t try.” Her big brown eyes are wide with concern.

“It wasn’t enough,” he spits, chest heaving. “I wasn’t enough.”

Amberly touches his shoulder and he collapses next to her on the bed, burying his face in the pillow. “You’re always enough, Remus. No matter what.”

A sob shakes his shoulders and he clings to her, tears soaking her jumper, as her fingers card through his hair. 

Icy tears are soaking Remus’ ears and pillow.

He’s been staring at the same blue-washed ceiling for hours now, unable to move or sleep or think anything other than the same four words that have been repeating mindlessly in his brain all day.

It’s all my fault.

It’s all my fault.

It’s all my fault.

If Amberly were here right now, she’d use her thumb to wipe his tears away and kiss the spots where they had been. She’d snuggle right up next to him and rest her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck. He’d wake during the night to find her in the exact same position, clinging to him with her soft curls draped over her face. 

Once, Sirius had joked that sleeping with Amberly when she stayed the night must be like sleeping with a very large and very affectionate Venus flytrap. Remus had laughed as warmth flooded his bones and Amberly blushed next to him.

Now he doesn’t think she’ll ever look at him, much less hug him, again.

If she’s even here at all-

The thought hits him like a punch in the gut and he doubles up as a raw sob rends his chest in half. 

No more holding hands on the way to the bakery in the mornings. No more sleepy cuddles on the battered living room couch. No more back and neck rubs by the light of the fireplace in the evening. No more random animal and math facts exchanged over lunch, or cheesy cat memes sent over text at all hours of the day. 

All of that would be gone.

The added thought of and it’s all my fault wraps iron fingers of guilt around Remus’ ribs and squeezes. He buries his face in his hands as tears pour down his face, more tears than he believed possible after all the crying he’s been doing.

You did this to her. You pushed her away. Over and over again, after all she tried to do was help. You were a complete and utter prick to the one person who loved you more than she loved herself. 

Merlin, she’d do anything for me. Did do anything for me. Countless visions of keeping her waiting, of her making him his favorite food even when she was tired, of those brown eyes being exhausted and drained because of him rose to his thoughts. But always, always so warm and full of love and that he felt like he was coming home every time he saw her face.

Until now. 

Remus chokes back another sob.

The hospital gave him a room on the first floor, down the hall from Amberly. Apparently it was the “least they could do” after the state he’d been in when he saw her. He’d collapsed to his knees on the floor as the sheer force of what he’d done hit him. Sirius- who’d still been very close to punching his face in- had had to drag him out as the doctor watched impassively. 

Down the hall.

She’s just down the hall. 

His feet are on the ground before he knows it and he’s padding noiselessly down the white, blue-lit corridor. An eerie silence permeates everything. The narrow windows in front of the doors are dark and silent. No one is awake at two forty-three a.m.

Her room.

Her door.

Her bed.

Her-

Remus feels fresh tears pour down his face and he sinks onto the chair at the side of the bed. 

She’s still, so still. Her face is paler than ever against the sterile white of the hospital sheets. Her eyes are deeply shadowed, and she’s breathing so faintly that the blue quilt is hardly moving. Her hair is spread across the pillow like it’s melting into the night, barely discernible in the dimness of the room.

He takes her hand. He can’t remember the last time they held hands, not the way they’d used to. Fingers interlocked, warm and sure, the one single guarantee out of everything in this life that he’d loved and loved and loved.

Amberly stirs. 

His lips part as he turns towards her, shocked; her eyes flutter open and fix on him.

He can’t tell what she’s thinking. He can’t read her expression at all, and as he opens his mouth to croak out a I’msosorryIloveyoupleasedon’tleavemepleasepleaseplease-

“You’re not Remus.”

Her voice is soft, almost disappointed. There’s an odd note of resignation in it that strikes Remus to the core. 

He clears his throat and tries to keep the tears out of his eyes. “It’s me.”

“No,” she murmurs, shifting slightly in the bed. Her cast rustles against the covers. “He wouldn’t have come.” Her eyes close again.

Remus’ throat closes up at the note of assurance in her voice. “Wh- what do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Amberly mumbles. “Busy. He’s too busy.”

“Busy with what?”

“Stuff,” she breathes. “I think I should leave him alone. He doesn’t like when I help.” A tiny bit more alertness returns to her eyes and she gazes at him in the dark. “It’s my fault.”

“No,” Remus manages to choke out. “It’s not.”

Her eyes are luminous in the dark. “It is. It’s why I have to stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop”- Her voice is getting breathy and quiet as she sinks back down into sleep. “Stop caring.”

Then she’s asleep again and tears pour down Remus’ face as her hand goes limp and slowly, slowly slides away from his. 

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 9

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, blood, car accident

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6 pt. 7 pt. 8 pt.10

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

Amberly can hear a persistent beeping in the corner of her ear. She tries to turn her head to avoid it, shut it out, but the steady pulse continues.

She cracks her eyes open and discovers very quickly that just that simple motion hurts, sending a jolt of white pain directly to her skull. Squeezing her eyes shut again, she bites her lip as a dull headache blossoms behind her ears. 

Something is holding her hand. It takes her a second to figure out which hand, which direction. Everything is hazy, disoriented, and her limbs feel like they’ve been wrapped in thick, heavy cotton.

She looks up, eyes squeezed mostly shut.

“Hey,” whispers Sirius. He looks a mess- his black hair is a disaster and his eyes look red and dry. “You feel ok?”

Amberly tries to speak but can only manage a harsh croak. Her throat feels like it’s coated with dust.

Sirius hands her a glass of water off the table and holds it for her while she drinks. It hurts to sit up, and some of the water trickles over her face. She swallows gratefully and manages a hoarse, “Fine.”

He runs a hand over his face. “Merlin, Amberly. I turn my back for one second and you get hit by a car?”

“I don’t remember,” says Amberly sleepily. She’s pretty sure that whatever meds are currently hooked to her arm are starting to kick in again. Her limbs feel heavy.

Sirius strokes her hair. “Get some sleep, okay?”

She doesn’t answer, having already slipped away into dreams.

Getting to his feet, Sirius heads to the waiting room. His eyes are dangerously bright and his jaw is clenched. 

Remus is sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair with his head in his hands.

He was at home when he got the news. The unfamiliar number popping up on his phone, staring at in confusion before swiping it open.

And then the businesslike, entirely calm voice on the other side. 

“Mr. Lupin?”

On his feet, confusion and a strange, icy dread washing over him. “Yes?”

“Your girlfriend was hit by a car about an hour or so ago. One of her friends apparently brought her in; we found your emergency contact in her bag.”

Remus’ face drained of color and he could hear roaring in his ears, his body turning numb and useless. He didn’t realize he was on his knees on the floor till the polished tiles were three inches away from his nose. “Is she- is she alive?” He barely managed to gasp out the words, voice unrecognizable even to himself. 

Amberly, sweet Amberly, my love, I can’t lose you-

“Yes, she’s been stabilized. She does have a nasty concussion and a fractured arm, so we’re keeping her sedated for now.”

“I’m coming down”-

“You’re the biggest fucking idiot this side of the planet”- seethes Sirius, giving Remus a decidedly hard push to the chest. 

Remus doesn’t even resist. His mouth is dry, heart racing- “Is she okay?” Desperation seeps into his voice as it cracks at the edges. “Can I see her”-

“You’ve got lot of fucking nerve asking that,” spits the black-haired boy. “Do you even realize what you did to her? And now you come in here acting like oh, everything’s fine”-

“I didn’t say it was fine,” snaps Remus. His voice is decidedly cracking now, and he smears roughly at his eyes with his sleeve. “I know this is all my fault”-

“Damn right it was. How could you fucking do this to her?”

“I didn’t mean to”-

“The fuck you didn’t! You’ve been treating her like absolute shit, when she literally breaks her fucking back to help you and gets nothing at all in return! You fucking told her to her face that you didn’t want her, all because Mr. High-and-Mighty Lupin can’t handle needing help for once in his life!”

Remus bows his head as tears run down his face, knuckles clenched white around his coat. “Please, I know, I just want to see her”-

“Mr. Lupin?”

Both turn at the impassive voice, a tired-looking doctor with spectacles and a smudged clipboard framed in the door. 

If he’d heard their conversation, he didn’t let on. “She’s awake.”

“Is she asking for me?” A tiny bit of hope sparks in Remus’ chest-

The doctor’s shoulders tighten, back turned to them.

“No.”

[solivagant242]

classic “hit by a car” troupe 🫡

i’m just adding more angst at this point tbh 😭

[solivagant242]

Not a question but, i was listening to the moment I knew and better man by Taylor swift and was like “this is so losing you” (not that a going to end like that) just the way the moment I knew it’s just like that realisation moment like when amberly heard remus said he doesn’t want her, and obviously better man bc remus ily but u are a fucking asshole (also makes me think of that quote “you don't know what you had until it's gone” and that he took amberly for granted).

Also, pls tell me you are not going to give amberly amnesia and forget about remus and that is how he’s going to start to getting her back (by going back to be the sweet boy that make her fall in love) , that would be definitely too much for my poor little mind

love u 💕

dw i DO NOT LIKE amnesia storylines (no offense to those who do) and i have a LOT of groveling and making up in store for remus 😈time for consequences

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 8

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, blood, car accident

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6 pt. 7

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

Amberly takes a sip from her pumpkin latte, keeping her face patient as her student rambles on about their summer vacation. She glances at the timer. Three more minutes and then this call can be over-

So I can do what? Go home and shut down?

Yeah, pretty much.

She pushes her hair back from her face. It’s still damp from her shower that morning, smelling faintly of lavender from the shampoo. Tiredness is seeping into her bones and filling her up like lead. 

I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Her student finally tells her goodbye and Amberly clicks the end call button, leaning back in her chair and letting relief sweep over her in waves. She takes off her glasses to rub her eyes. Lately it seems like any sleep is not enough, no matter how early she goes to bed or keeps her eyes closed. 

Why am I even staying in this?

Her lips tighten. Breaking up had never been a possibility for them- seemed like one, at least. They’ve been dating since second year at Hogwarts. The thought of not being with Remus had simply never crossed her mind. He was hers, her person, who she’d thought cared about her and loved her beyond measure.

Now she’s not so sure. 

A hand slams down on the table in front of her and a yelp claws its way out of her throat as she recoils, jerking her coffee towards her and slopping it over her wrist. Amberly glares up at Sirius, her shock being replaced by annoyance. “Pads, you asshole”-

He grins at her. “Would you like some napkins? Sorry for the spill.”

She scowls. “Napkins and a signed apology, please.”

Sirius tosses his jacket over her head. “Any food?”

Amberly shoots him a death glare as she pulls the leather off her hair and throws it on the seat next to her. “I’m not hungry, thank you very much.”

Sirius’ eyes narrow. “You’re getting a sandwich.”

“I don’t want a sandwich.”

“I didn’t ask if you wanted one. I said you’re getting one.”

“I didn’t ask if I was getting one. I said I didn’t want one.”

Sirius rolls his eyes, turning on his heel and heading to the counter. “Yap, yap, yap. Too bad.”

“How are things?” asks Sirius a few minutes later, sitting across from Amberly in the booth. He runs a hand through his untidy black hair. “I bet you’re loving this cooler weather.”

Amberly nods. “I am, yeah. I can’t believe winter is coming.”

She wraps her jacket tighter around herself and Sirius narrows his eyes. He’s known Amberly for a long time now, a bit longer even than Remus has known her. And he can tell that she’s lying. 

Her eyes are dark and circled with shadows, and her skin looks paler than usual, even in the warm light of the cafe. She’s gotten thinner, too. Visibly thinner, enough for her cheekbones to be more prominent. 

Sirius pushes the sandwich at her. “Eat it.”

She scowls at him. “No.”

“Eat it or perish.”

“Perish.”

He unwraps it and shoves it into her hand, and she rolls her eyes before taking a tiny bite out of the corner. Inwardly, Sirius feels relief that she’s eating, but he knows damn well that there’s another reason she looks like she’s been awake for a century and a half.

“How’s Moony?”

The question seems to catch Amberly off guard, and she takes her time to chew and swallow before responding. “He’s okay. More used to the meds, now. I think the full moon isn’t quite as bad for him.”

Sirius tilts his head at her. “Is he? I tried calling a few days ago and he never picked up.”

“Oh.” Amberly picks at a thumbnail, not making eye contact. “He’s not the best with answering his phone and stuff”-

“Stuff it,” retorts Sirius. “This man used to stay up till two in the fucking morning so he could chit-chat with you. It won’t kill him to pick up the phone for his oldest friend”-

“He doesn’t really talk to me anymore,” mumbles Amberly. She half-hopes Sirius won’t hear it. Tears are swimming in her throat and she cannot, will not, let them out. That’s why Remus was mad at me. I was too much. I can’t do that again.

But Sirius’ sharp ears prick at the words. “What?”

She shrugs, setting down the sandwich and staring at her hands in her lap. She doesn’t trust herself to look up.

Sirius leans across the table to touch her hand. “Amberly, you know you can tell me anything, right? Are things okay with you and Moony?”

Amberly bites her lip. She can feel her eyes start to swim and swell with tears. “Things are fine.”

She can’t hide the wobble in her voice.

Sirius drapes her leather jacket over her shoulders and the tears come out, spotting her shirt all down her front and splashing onto the table. She’s shaking now, sobbing harder, and Sirius folds her in his arms and strokes her hair like a sister.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore,” she gasps finally, smearing at her eyes and leaning back. “I was too much. He said I was too clingy. I don’t want to be that again, I can’t”-

Sirius’ hands tighten around hers. “What did he say to you exactly?”

Amberly’s eyes flicker. “He told me that he didn’t want me.” Another sob wells up in her throat as she remembers those words, hurled across space to shatter her like porcelain. “That I was too clingy.”

Sirius pulls her to her feet, jaw tight and eyes dangerously bright. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” asks Amberly, trying to wipe her face and tie her hair back from where it’s sticking to the tears. “I need to pack”-

“I’m getting your stuff and then you’re coming with me to James and Lily’s. You’re not staying with Moony, staying in this state of things,” he seethes. “Not till Moony gets some sense in his head or I beat it into him.”

Amberly stumbles after him to the door.

“Can you drop me off here?” yells Amberly over the roar of the engine. 

Sirius looks back over his shoulder. They’re at the stop sign just down the street from her house, his long legs resting on the ground on either side of the motorcycle. “Why? I can take you all the way.”

She slides off the back before he can further protest. “If he’s asleep I don’t want the noise to wake him”-

He got so mad last time when Sirius drove me home. I can’t do that again. I’ll break, I know I will.

Sirius rolls his eyes as she hands him the helmet. “It won’t kill him, you know”-

Amberly shrugs, looking down. “I just don’t want there to be trouble.”

“Fine. But you better be back here in ten minutes or I’m gunning it for your driveway.”

She nods, continuing down the street to their house as Sirius pulls over to the curb.

There’s a hot, heavy pulse in her ears, and her hands feel like they’re tingling. He’ll be mad, I know he will. If he sees me…

All she can see, all she can think of, are memories of her and Remus.

The times they’d gone for night walks down this street, fingers interlocked through wooly mittens…the time they had been to the bakery and brought home fresh bread and hot chocolate…the way he’d picked her up and swung her around every time he came home…the warmth of his arms around her and his cheek on her hair…

Maybe that’s why she doesn’t hear the car coming. 

A screech of tires, a dull thud, and Amberly is on the ground. Her rich brown hair threads through the leaves in the gutter as red begins trickling over the dirt.

The driver’s face is white.

They swing the car into reverse, hands shaking, and peel away.

Amberly doesn’t move.

Two minutes later Sirius is kneeling next to her, fingers trembling as he babbles into the phone. 

“Nine-nine-nine, what’s your emergency?”

“It’s my friend. She’s dying...”

[solivagant242]

oh poor amberlyn ;(

ALSO KINDA FEEL BAD FOR REMUS???

(i’m so conflicted)

😈i love writing angst hehe

[solivagant242]

I’ve only found your blog and the Losing It series today but I need it more than I need oxygen

thank you sm 🥺 i’m glad so many people like it! i definitely love writing angst (hehe) so this series is A LOT of fun for me to write

[solivagant242]

losing you pt.7

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

Amberly is fighting what feels like a losing battle.

She’s stopped trying to reach out. Stopped trying to talk, to hang out, to make plans. Every day the shell she’s built around herself gets a little thicker, a little harder.

She gets up in the morning. Early, which hasn’t changed at least. She goes for a walk by herself, her only company the fat gray squirrels chasing each other over the brown leaves in the gutter. She doesn’t kiss Remus’ forehead or ask him if he’d like her to warm some bread or start the kettle for tea. She makes him a plate of food, placed neatly under another one in the oven so it will stay warm, and then takes a shower and dresses in clothes she lay out the night before. Gone are the days of sleepy cuddles, of clinging to each other in the early morning hours, curled into each other like tired cats.

By the time Remus is out of bed, she tries to be gone and out of the house. Her job as a high-school math tutor has gone fully remote, as most of the students in the district are just starting school, so she’s taking calls from kids across the country or even the world. She takes her laptop, charger, and headphones to the little cafe down the street and curls up in her favorite window seat that overlooks the entrance. 

She heads back around four every day, so that she has time to make dinner and warm it up for him. After that she makes herself scarce. Heads to the library, headphones on, buries herself in a book or writing so that she doesn’t have to think. Loses herself so well there’s always a slight shock when she looks up and sees the dimming light around her.

And at night? Amberly keeps to her side of the bed. Curls herself around her pillow, hugging it to her chest, teetering on the very edge of the mattress with her back to Remus if she can help it. She doesn’t hug him. Doesn’t touch him or reach for him in her sleep. The nightmares that used to plague her are back, back with a vengeance now that she doesn’t have the solid comfort of Remus’ warmth against her. More often than not she finds herself leaving the bed in the gray hours of dawn, teeth chattering in the early chilliness of the house, to plaster herself against the soft plush of the couch and close her eyes, praying for the bad dream to end.

She doesn’t feel…anything? Maybe that’s not accurate; she knows she should feel something. Anger, like Lily had suggested. Or sadness at the rapidly growing pit that had once been their relationship. 

But all Amberly can feel is numb.

Every time she wants so, so so badly to reach out to Remus, to pet his hair or ask for a hug or rest her head on his shoulder, she just remembers that bitter, hateful rage behind her eyes when he spat those words at her.

“I don’t want you…”

And she wraps herself in gray silence like a cloak, the weight of unspoken words heavy on her tongue. 

Remus feels like he’s losing his mind. 

What’s worse is that he has exactly what he wanted. But now he doesn’t want it, not unless Amberly is there. 

He wanted to be left alone. He wanted for her to stop clinging to him, always asking if he was okay, if he wanted to do something together. He wanted some space to breathe, neglecting to realize that the only reason Amberly had been in his space was because she was trying to take care of him.

Well, now he has that.

She doesn’t text him anymore. Well, she does, but not like she used to. She’d send him good morning, i love you, i had a CRAZY dream about a bunny rabbit mixed with a Niffler…

Now he gets a morning, love you, food is in the oven.

She used to answer him right away. Always there, always ready- do you need me to make you that herbal mix for your bath? How about I fill you a hot water bottle? Love, would you like some popcorn or is your headache too bad?

He’s lucky if he gets a response within two hours now.

For the first time he knows how she felt. As it turns out, seeing the response ty to have a good day today love really, really hurts. 

She doesn’t hug him anymore. Well, she does, but not like she used to, wrapping her arms around him and burrowing into the crook of his neck like a sleepy cat. Her warm embrace has become a one-armed, uncomfortable bump together that she always stiffens at and leans away from as soon as possible. 

Amberly used to rest her head on his shoulder, grab his hand and interlock the fingers, hug him from behind, curl up in his lap. Now she barely touches him, and if she does, it’s quick and very plainly not wanted. She doesn’t look at him that much anymore either. That beautiful light from her brown eyes that he’d loved from the moment he met her is now dulled, maybe even extinguished completely.

Her presence in the house reminds him of a ghost. She dodges in and out like autumn mist, timing her leaving and arriving with his. He can’t remember the last time they sat in a room to have a conversation. Fuck, he can’t remember the last time they even talked, outside of short, brief exchanges: dinner’s on the table. I got your meds, they’re on the dresser. Already locked the door.

But through all that growing blackness, all he can think, a dull pulse in his ears, is this is exactly how you treated her, and you were stupid enough to think it was okay.

Amberly can feel herself fading. 

She’s lost weight. She doesn’t know how. Maybe when the whole thing had gotten really bad, when she had entirely lost her appetite for anything at all. Sleep. Physical affection (she cringed at the thought, imagining what Remus’ mind was probably on when he touched her- does she ever leave me alone? Why does she have to be around me, clinging to me, every second of the day?). Food. Water. 

Her eyes have shadows under them. In dim light, they look like bruises. As if she’s some weeping, scar-faced ghoul.

The only thing that she wants to do is watch the sunset. Watch the sky, and remember happier times. Even though that just makes her sadder with the memories that might have been but now probably never would be. 

She closes her eyes, curls around the pillow, and slips uneasily into a jerky sleep.

Remus stares at the ceiling next to her. 

He can feel it. Can feel his girlfriend slipping away from him, shutting down more and more every day. 

His eyes burn at the memory of those hateful words. Of what he’d said to her.

You fucking ruined things with the one person who cared more about you than themselves. All because you couldn’t just admit that you needed her.

And now she’s gone.

The guilt sloshes in his stomach. He can still see her brown eyes in front of him, puddled with tears. He can still hear the little noise she’d made when he spoke the words that broke her. As if a part of her had been suddenly, irreparably shattered. 

How could I have said that to her?

He turns to peer at Amberly, sleeping next to him.

She’s curled into a little ball around her pillow, and his throat swells with tears as he remembers how she used to cling to him. How she’d cuddle into his shoulder with a happy sigh, and he’d kiss her hair and tell her how much he loved her, how much he wanted her.

Now she doesn’t even want to look at me.

Remus closes his eyes.

I fucked up.

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 6

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you’d like <3

________________________________________

The door opens, letting in tendrils of night air.

It’s not loud or particularly abrupt, but it still makes Remus jolt up from his spot on the couch, clawing his hair back as anticipation mixed with desperation pool at the pit of his stomach. He stands, trying to peer around the corner as guilt begins twinging in his mind.

Amberly has come into the kitchen. She’s carrying a paper bag filled with various foil-covered dishes, which she begins unpacking onto the table. She closes the door, waving to someone on the other side- James? Lily? The question is settled a minute later as Remus catches sight of James’ battered red minivan pulling out the driveway.

He can’t see Amberly’s face.

Her movements are exactly the same as usual- calm, unhurried, entirely peaceful.

He swallows hard. He’s not sure what he expected at all, to be honest- maybe tears, since she’s never been able to cope very well with them fighting. Maybe an angry text, a long string of sentences cobbling together the hurt he knew she had to be feeling (another message for you to ignore or send back one word, whispers his mind).

But there’s nothing, and somehow that’s scarier than all of them put together.

He steps out of the living room.

“Oh! Hey, Moony,” says Amberly, looking up. “Did you take your meds last night?”

Normal, utterly normal, but why can he sense that something, he doesn’t know what, is missing painfully from her voice, words, manner, everything?

“Um. Yeah,” he replies, looking at the floor. Truth be told, he can’t even remember if he did or not- he fell asleep at eleven with his phone next to his cheek, praying desperately that he’d wake up with that little Amberly <3 notification on the lock screen.

He hadn’t gotten a single one.

She nods calmly, brushing past him (not stopping to grab a kiss like she always does) to grab a dish from the cupboard. “Would you like some pasta? Lily made us this giant lasagna. I can cut you a slice.”

Remus stands frozen in place. “Sure. Yeah. That would be great.” His voice doesn’t even sound like his own, and he peers at Amberly beneath his eyelids as he tries to decipher what exactly the hell is going on.

He can’t tell a single thing. He who used to be able to read the Ravenclaw like a page in so many of his books is at sea, adrift in waves of guilt and fear as he tries to pick up on something, anything, that would tell him if she was mad or upset or-

Amberly places a warm plate of lasagna in his hand, passing him a fork. “Enjoy.”

“Don’t you want any?” he asks, turning pathetically to catch her as she exits the kitchen. That lump is swelling up in his throat again- where are you going, don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, I’ll be so lost without you-

She looks back, brown eyes wide and polite. “No, thanks though. I’m not all that hungry.”

Amberly vanishes into the hallway and Remus is left standing in the kitchen staring at his pasta as it congeals into a lukewarm, cheesy lump on his plate.

[solivagant242]

i’m ready to go feral(cry cry cry)when you release the next part of losing you 😋

😚it will be releasing tomorrow, the 26th at some point! once i finish my classes for the day (or during them if im bored enough)

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 5

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you like <3.

________________________________________

Amberly appears in James and Lily’s fireplace three seconds later, streaked in soot (James forgot to schedule a chimney cleaning) and multiple tears.

She credits the fact that they now have a child that they immediately swoop in with wet wipes and towels to clean her off. 

“You need to give him hell,” growls James, shaking his head and passing Amberly another mug of coffee. She’s pretty sure she can taste firewhiskey inside, but at this point she’s too tired to care. 

“Seriously! How can he talk to you like that?” demands Lily. The redhead throws her hands up in the air. “The fucking nerve.”

Amberly shifts her weight so as not to wake baby Harry, who’s sleeping peacefully on her shoulder. She brushes a raven lock of hair from his forehead, swallowing hard. Even though her face is already coated with sticky tears, she doesn’t want to cry anymore. Doesn’t want to be weak, pathetic and clingy like Remus had called her. 

Lily pulls Amberly into a sideways hug. “Are you okay? Pads called late last night”-

“-emphasis on called,” adds James, giving Lily a pointed look. “She didn’t even hear the phone ring, so guess who got to answer”-

Lily rolls her eyes, swatting at him good-naturedly. “It was your turn for feeding Harry, anyway.” She turns back to Amberly. “He was saying that you didn’t look so great, that Remus hadn’t been doing well?”

“No. No, he hasn’t.” The words come out of Amberly in a rush. “It’s like…no matter what I do, even if I try…it’s not right, or not enough. If I give him attention, I’m being clingy and he wants space. If I back off, I’m abandoning him. Nothing I ever do is right.” 

Hot tears are streaming down her face again as her voice cracks, waking baby Harry, who whimpers and scrubs at his eyes with one chubby fist. Shushing him, James lifts him out of Amberly’s arms, bobbing him gently up and down as he stands. “Well, you are welcome to stay here for as long as you’d like. No questions asked.”

“Maybe now I have someone who can help me beat James at rummy,” adds Lily, shooting Amberly a conspiratorial wink. 

She sniffles, scrubbing at her eyes. “I- I’m sorry to be a bother”-

“Please. You are never a bother here,” says Lily, folding Amberly in her arms. “You’re family, okay?”

“And if Remus comes here I’m giving him a piece of my mind,” growls James, tossing Harry up towards the ceiling. He squeals, flailing his arms happily and trying to grab James’ glasses.

Amberly tries to smile, but her heart isn’t in it.

The house is dark and cold.

Remus opens the door and the sound echoes loudly through the room. 

He sets his bag on the table, runs a hand through his hair, eyes flitting around the room as that pit of guilt opens in his stomach again. He’s checking, checking frantically for any signs of her presence- a stained potholder on the counter, a half-full mug of coffee, maybe a plate full of crumbs or a dog-eared book-

But all there is is the silence, curling forward with greedy claws to swallow him whole. 

Swallowing, Remus flicks on the light. 

“Amberly?”

His voice rings through the house.

There’s no answer. 

He pulls out his phone, glances at it for what feels like the fifteenth time in the last hour. The texts he’s been sending her at work stopped going through an hour ago. 

Remus doesn’t know whether to be terrified or sad.

Right now, he feels both.

Thumbing through the unopened messages, he feels a painful twinge at his heart. Again. She’d sent him so many texts, so many gray messages popping up at all hours of the day- did you eat today, love? Have you had your meds? Do you need me to run by the pharmacy? Can I get you some more of that cream you like?

And then his responses, in blue:

No

Yes

Sure

Fine

He bites his lip. Sets his phone down on the counter. Can’t stop himself from thumbing it open again, just to check.

Nothing.

Checks his calls, even though he’s had his phone off silent for the first time in months all day and hasn’t heard anything. 

Nothing.

Remus runs a hand through his hair again, sinking down on the couch and closing his eyes. Sickly guilt floods his lungs as he remembers the words he’d hurled at Amberly, the bitter spit of them between his teeth.

“Maybe I don’t want YOU…”

He squeezes his eyes tighter shut. Tries to imagine Amberly’s arms around him, the way she’d stroke his hair and hum him to sleep. Tries to imagine the lavender smell of her sweater and her quiet voice in his ear.

Merlin, she was so fucking kind to me and I threw it in her face.

Remus curls up on the couch as another headache, fueled by shame and regret, begins pounding at his temples.

Amberly wishes she could say that she went to sleep calmly and quietly without thinking of Remus at all. She wishes she could cut him out of her thoughts, stop thinking about him, worrying about him, analyzing every single second of their interaction and just wanting him to be okay again.

Even if it was at her expense…

But this time her pride wouldn’t let her back down.

She’d turned off her phone hours ago. She couldn’t remember when. Text after text from Remus had poured in, clogging her notification screen.

Some little part of her was still desperately, disgustingly glad to be getting any shred of attention from him. It was almost enough for her to unlock her phone and respond to him, anything to have him there, talking, even if it meant that she would be pushed down into silence again.

She’d shut that part off with her phone and hadn’t turned it on since then. 

Amberly wraps the comforter tighter around her shoulders, trying to get comfortable in the bed. She’s hugging an oversized pillow, a habit that she’s gotten used to over the last few months. Because she can’t remember the last time she fell asleep hugging Remus. No, he was always too tired or in too much pain or having an awful headache…

A lone tear trickles down Amberly’s cheek.

Her chest tightens. So do her lips as she stares, eyes unseeing into the darkness. 

I’m too clingy.

Okay.

I won’t be. 

And something in her chest goes hard and cold and silent, a part of her shutting off, the lights flickering and slamming into darkness.

[solivagant242]

losing you

should this end happily or not?

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 4

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you like <3.

________________________________________

Remus’ POV:

Remus wakes up slowly and unwillingly, squinting slightly in the sunlight that’s draped over the bed and carpet by now. Rubbing his eyes, he gropes for his phone and checks the time: 6:37 a.m.

He rubs his temples. The migraine bothering him yesterday has somehow vanished into thin air, probably courtesy of the freshly replenished ibuprofen that Amberly always leaves on his nightstand. For once he can stand and move around without needles and lancets of pain poking and prodding at his brain. 

Amberly…

Remus bites his lip as he makes his way to the kitchen. The uneasy nightmares that plague his sleep had momentarily displaced the memory of her tears the previous day, but now they were returning in full force and bringing heavy guilt with them.

I shouldn’t have snapped at her.

He expects to find his girlfriend curled up in the little window alcove just like always, pale hands wrapped around a warm mug of tea and brown eyes narrowed as she flips through the pages of some thick and dusty book. Expects to see her smile that always, always appears when he’s around. 

Except lately, whispers a little voice at the back of his head. 

But he doesn’t see anyone. Doesn’t smell any fresh bread on the table, doesn’t feel the slight warmth emanating from the toaster oven or hear the whirring of the coffeemaker or whistling kettle. The kitchen is in the same state as when he stormed out of it last night- spotlessly clean and tidy.

Except that all the lights are out and there is no Amberly.

And when he goes to peer through the small window above the sink, the shards of the cup are gone, cleared away and stored who knows where. As if it had never happened. 

Even more guilt floods Remus’ heart. He bites his lip, trying to stave away the regret and shame eating at his thoughts. I had a really bad headache and she just wouldn’t leave me alone- why does she always have to be in my space, clinging around and trying to make me feel better-

The guilt recedes into a dull, sickly ache at the pit of his stomach.

He pads down the hallway, thinking that perhaps she’s in their little living room or the library, or even in the bathroom-

She’s not there. 

Her shoes are gone. So is her gray coat and her fraying blue- and- gray scarf.

Did she not come home from Pads’ last night?

Remus bites his lip, pushing his hair back from his forehead. Irrational fear is starting to swell at the back of his throat- what if she’s not coming back?

And it would be all your fault, whispers that insidious little voice at the back of his mind. You pushed her away, just like you do with everybody.

But all her things are still here-

You were horrible to her. 

He sinks down on the couch, covering his face with his hands. For the first time in many, many days, he finds himself missing Amberly. Missing her soft hair and bright eyes, her warm hands that always soothed the knots in his neck and shoulders, missing the faint aroma of lavender that laces her clothes and skin. Missing the way she would bring him breakfast in bed when he felt sick, bring him lunch, dinner- fuck, she’d done anything for him. Anything and everything. And it had become routine, since he knew that no matter what she’d come back to him.

Now he’s not so sure. 

Remus feels suddenly like he’s drowning and stands abruptly to open the window, letting crisp autumn air flood the room. 

A sound- a crackling, popping backfire- sputters through the air and he peers through the pane to the road.

Sirius’ motorcycle pulls up into their tiny driveway. Pads’ pale skin is flushed from the drive over, and his dark hair is tousled-

-because Amberly, who’s climbing off the back, is wearing his helmet. 

Remus’ heart pinches twice, painfully, as he looks at her from the outside. Looking past the person that he’s been shoving away, ignoring, drawing into his own pain, and seeing instead the girl he’d fallen in love with.

She’s gotten thinner. He hasn’t really noticed it, not of late- because you don’t give a fuck about her, whispers that painful part of his mind again. But her coat hangs loosely on her frame, and there are dark shadows under her eyes.

She’s never able to sleep when we fight.

But I never had a problem with it, so I didn’t care, did I?

For that matter, her eyes look big and glassy, and her lips are dry and chapped. Remus realizes that he can’t remember the last time he did something for her- the last time he’d rubbed her favorite hair cream through her curls or the last time he’s made her coffee. 

She’s been pouring herself into him, and he’s done nothing but throw her efforts back in her face. 

Guilt strikes him like a truck as he watches her speak to Padfoot for a few seconds, the older boy resting one leg on the curb, hands on the handlebars, as he says something with that little half-smirk all the girls in Gryffindor always loved. She laughs, her eyes crinkling at the corners, and Remus is torn between pain and jealousy. 

When was the last time she laughed like that?

Amberly finally turns, pushing her hair out of her face. She’s freshly showered, he realizes; she must have stayed the night at Pads’ place.

Which ordinarily wouldn’t be a problem- God knows the three of them (five, if you counted James and Lily) are in and out of each others’ houses at all hours of the day and night to hunt for food (Sirius), borrow books (Amberly), or fall asleep on the couch (Remus). But this time the little curl of jealousy in Remus morphs into something much bigger and uglier and angrier. 

She was with Pads and she left me alone.

Amberly comes to the door and opens it, not looking around her. She sets her bag down on the counter and goes to the sink to wash her hands. Her shoulders are relaxed. She doesn’t look upset. Or sad. Or anything, really. Just- calm?

It scares Remus, even though he doesn’t want to admit it. 

He comes out from behind the corner. 

Amberly jumps, hand going to her heart. “Good grief, Moony! You scared me.”

Her voice isn’t angry. Just absentmindedly cheerful and mildly surprised. 

“Did you stay at Sirius’ place?” he asks, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice as he stares at her, trying to discern her feelings.

Amberly nods, her back to him as she reaches for a glass and fills it with water from the faucet. “Yes. It was late and raining a bit, and he didn’t want me walking home by myself.”

“You could have called me.” It comes out harsher than he’d like, and Remus clears his throat. “I could have gotten you.”

She takes a sip of water and her hand tightens, ever so slightly, on the counter where she’s rested it. “I figured you were asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Why is it always my fault?”

This time his words are very, very harsh, and Amberly visibly recoils. Remus’ jaw twitches.

Amberly takes a deep breath, turning back to the sink and rinsing out her glass to place it in the dishwasher. “I didn’t say it was your fault. I just didn’t want to wake you up since I know it’s hard for you to sleep.”

“I’m not some invalid, you know”- Inwardly Remus is kicking himself, hating himself, at the angry words pouring from his lips, but he can’t seem to stop. It feels as though his pain is taking physical form in this black anger spouting out of him. 

She closes the dishwasher, being careful not to let it slam. Her voice is careful and controlled. “I know. Should I call you next time, then?”

“Sure. Go ahead,” spits Remus, breathing harder. He can feel a burning headache starting at the base of his skull, intensifying the helpless, guilty rage that’s swelling in his chest. “Although why would I bother? You and Sirius are so close, after all; why don’t you just bloody ask to talk to him and hang out with him and have him drive you home?”

This time Amberly whirls around to face him and her soft brown eyes are lit with golden fire. “Are you seriously going to say that, Remus? He drives me home one time”-

“Fucking sure,” snaps Remus, anger brimming in his throat. “It’s not like you even want to be around me anymore, is it?”

Something like a sob catches in Amberly’s throat. “That’s what you think? You really think I don’t want to be around you? Remus, do you know how much I’ve tried to be around you? Tried to help you, make you feel better”-

“Well, maybe I don’t want your help!”

The words ring loudly through the open kitchen. 

Amberly’s wide eyes brim with tears. 

Remus stares at her, breathing hard, and he doesn’t know where the next words come from, some dark and filthy crevice of his mind that should never see the light of day. 

“Maybe I don’t want you.”

Her lips part, a tiny bit, and the softest of strangled sounds escapes her mouth. 

Guilt pours over Remus, so heavy he can barely stand, and he reaches out a hand- “I didn’t mean that, I don’t”-

But Amberly has already pulled out her wand and vanished. 

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 3

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 and pt. 2

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you like <3.

________________________________________

“How are you doing these days?”

The question catches Amberly off guard from where she’s sitting cross-legged on a clean (grease- and oil-stained) sheet on Sirius’ spotless (covered in nuts, bolts, and some parts she couldn’t even recognize) garage floor. She blinks, curling her bandaged fingers tighter together in her jacket pocket. “I’m good. Pretty tired, these days. I think seasonal depression is getting to me.” She forces a laugh. 

Sirius tilts his head at her. “You love fall, though. You were always that one fucking nerd who prayed for school to re-open every year.” He pitches his voice higher, reaching into the cardboard box of cookies. “Oh, look at me- I’m Amberly, and all the professors wish they could adopt meeeee!”

She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “We’re not in school anymore though, Pads.”

“Be a man and go talk to her!”

“Shut up, she’s gonna hear,” hissed Remus, glancing covertly around the corner of the bookshelves. The quiet Ravenclaw had returned to her peaceful study alcove, big brown eyes flicking back and forth over the pages of her book as she scribbled notes on parchment. “D’you think I even have a chance? Like, really?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “All I know is that I’m really fucking tired of hearing you rave about how beautiful her eyes are, or how insanely smart she is, or blah blah blah. Go do something about it, Moony, or I’ll fake a note from you!”

“You wouldn’t”-

Amberly looked up. She could just see the flicker of red as the two Gryffindors ducked back behind the shelves. Narrowing her eyes, she gave the shelf a final glare and returned to her work.

She didn’t know that two days later, Remus would ask her out. To visit Hogsmeade and ask for her help finding the right Potions book for next year, ostensibly since she was top of the class. Or that he would ask her to go skating the next week.

Or that he would be her first kiss under the mistletoe in the Gryffindor common room, as Sirius tossed eggnog over them and James showered them with glitter from the Christmas decorations. Or that they’d continue dating, all through the end of their four years there, or that she would fall so head-over-heels in love with him that she’d still yet to hit the ground.

She wouldn’t know that it would lead to this, either.

How could she?

“Are you okay?”

Sirius’ words seem to be coming from far, far away. Amberly shakes her head, bringing herself back to earth. Her throat constricts painfully and something hot drips on the backs of her hands. She hadn’t even realized she was crying. 

“I- I’m fine,” she manages to stutter, smearing at her eyes with the backs of her hands. “Just been a long week, that’s all.”

Sirius puts an arm around her, concern coloring his tone. “Are you sure?”

But now Amberly is remembering the cold, dismissive tone in Remus’ voice, the glare he’d given her as he called her clingy, those eyes that she’d once loved beyond all measure filled with nothing but annoyance and scorn. 

She breaks down in tears right there on Sirius’ garage floor. 

Sirius, to give him credit, doesn’t try to ask what’s wrong. Doesn’t ask for information or press for answers, just lets her cry all over his leather jacket as he holds her shoulders. He pats her hair soothingly. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s really okay.”

“It’s not,” she gasps, clawing her hair back from her eyes. “This is all my fault. All of this- if I hadn’t been too much, if I hadn’t tried too hard- nothing I can do is right and I don’t know how to fix it”-

The Gryffindor’s eyes narrow. “Is this about Remus?”

Amberly takes a beat to answer, too busy hunting through her bag for a handkerchief. “It’s nothing. Nothing, really. Just a long day, a bad day.” She’s aware that she’s babbling, trying and failing to draw a deep breath, but she can’t seem to stop. “I- I think I’ll head back now.”

“You are not going anywhere,” retorts Sirius, passing her an extremely filthy rag. “Blow your nose- this jacket is designer leather, you know.”

She glares at him, eyes red, and he grins. “Okay, sorry. But come inside. You shouldn’t be going anywhere like this. It’s fucking cold out- did Moony not drive you?”

“He’s not feeling well,” mumbles Amberly. Another excuse, the same easy lies coming to her lips to disguise what she didn’t want anyone to know. Because Remus was fine, right? They were fine. It was all okay.

Sirius shakes his head, unimpressed. “You were an awful liar in school and you’re an awful liar now.”

Sirius’ flat is surprisingly warm and clean, probably thanks to Lily. Amberly still remembers the way the redhead had marched in, taken one look at the sink full of dishes and the grubby windows, and directed her scathing gaze towards a blissfully unaware Padfoot. Lily had helped her set up their house too, hadn’t she? It was hard to remember now; the couch was soft, and so was the afghan Sirius had tossed over her legs. Something smelled nice, too; was that sandalwood?

Sirius appears in the doorway a minute later with two red mugs of cocoa. His eyes soften when he sees Amberly curled into a ball in the corner of the couch, and he sets the cups down softly so as not to wake her. 

He thinks of how excited Moony had been when they began dating, over the moon with happiness. Of how the pair had held hands in the hallways, blue and red robes overlapping, of how Moony’s bad days had seemed to vanish before Amberly’s gentle eyes and soft hands. Of how Amberly had somehow been added to their mismatched family, her quiet presence the perfect counterpart to him and James. Of how Moony had looked at her when they first moved into their house, as if she was the stars and moon and sky all wrapped into one person who loved him to heartbreak.

And his lips tighten. 

He needs to have a word with Moony.

[solivagant242]

losing you pt. 2

remus lupin x f!reader

warnings: strong angst, losing a relationship, minor swearing (?)

pt. 1 pt. 3

amberly is used as the MC here since i used to write a lot of fanfics with her, but feel free to self-insert or use whatever name you like <3.

__________________________________________

The phone rings, and Amberly scurries over to the kitchen counter to pick it up and thumb it open, a smile spreading over her face at the sight of the Pads caller ID. “Hey.” Her voice loses a bit of its tension and she settles down on the couch, resting her sock feet on the side. “How’s it going?”

A thud, a crash, and a muffled swear, followed by a sound comparable to a Niffler set loose in a junk shop. Sirius’ voice, slightly breathless, puffs into the speaker. “Amberly. Do you by any chance have some old shirts you don’t need anymore?”

Amberly smiles. “Emphasis on the don’t need anymore, please. I don’t want you coming through and taking my tea towels for that motorbike.”

“They were stained,” he protests valiantly. “And I can’t help it, Minerva needs a good shine to her”-

Amberly nearly spits out her tea. “You named your motorbike after Professor McGonagall?”

“Well, yes! Someone’s got to be her namesake, after all. Either that or you and Moony have got to get busy- Harry’s the only nephew now, we don’t want him to be lonely.”

She laughs, even as a tiny bit of sadness seeps into her bones to form a soft mush of tiredness. “I don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon, Pads.”

“What do you mean- OW!” Sirius yelps, attention mercifully diverted. “The oil was warmer than I thought.”

“Clearly. Want me to bring you some cookies?” Amberly stands, the blanket on her lap cascading to the floor. The prospect of escaping the dull malaise of the house, even if it’s just for a few hours, is vastly appealing. 

“If you can spare the time,” grunts Sirius. “Taking care of Minerva is a two-person job”-

“-because you need to be taken care of as well,” finished Amberly, amusement coloring her voice as she heads to the kitchen. “I’ll be over in an hour. Try not to die before then.”

Flour coats Amberly’s hands and face in light smudges as she hums to the lo-fi music she’s put on. She’s rolled up the sleeves to her jacket as she mixes a bowl of gooey batter, using her wand to tip a bag of chocolate chips into a measuring cup. 

The door creaks open and Amberly freezes, looking up in surprise. Remus has been asleep all day, asleep or curled up in the corner of the bed (how long has it been since we shared it?) and she’d been torn between hovering over him and just letting him sleep off his migraine. She’d finally decided on the latter after an attempt to bring him a hot-water bottle got her nothing but a mutter and a growl as he sank further into the covers. 

Remus swims into her vision, face ashy and pale. His eyes are red and dry, and his hair is even more mussed than usual. Even in the muted light of the kitchen, autumn sun trickling through the windowpanes, he’s squinting and rubbing at his eyes. Her heart twinges at the sight. She can’t remember the last time they went outside together, a walk or a picnic or anything at all. But that’s okay, right? This won't last, this won't last. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, voice sounding harsh. The lo-fi has paused for a moment between songs, and the kitchen feels like it’s being slowly drained of warmth.

“Making cookies?” answers Amberly timidly. “Sirius is working on his motorbike- I thought I’d bring some over for him.”

He snorts as he tugs a cabinet open. “Going over to his place again?”

Amberly feels tears well up in her throat, hot and heavy, strangling her voice. “What do you mean?”

Remus turns to face her, resting his hand on the counter, face lined and appearing dark in the watery light. “Come on. You do all this stuff for him and you’re just going to leave me here? By myself?”

She stares at him, at a loss for words.

There are a lot of things she wants to say.

He was my friend before I even met you.

What do you mean, going over to his place all the time? I haven’t been there once this past month because I’ve been here, trying to take care of you while you plainly don’t give a fuck!

I’m trying and trying to do this, and it doesn’t even matter. 

Do you not see that?

Do you not care?

But what she says instead, schooling her face and digging her nails into her palm to keep her voice steady, is, “Yes. We’re just going to hang out. Would you like to come”-

“Don’t even give me that,” hisses Remus, throwing his hands up in the air. “Why is it so goddamn hard for you to leave me alone sometimes? Every single second of every single day, you’ve got to be clinging around me! Can’t you see what I’m going through right now?”

His hand strikes something- the mug Amberly had her tea in- and it shoots sideways, flying into the sink. There’s a crash as it shatters, sending shards of ceramic and scalding tea spraying into the drainboard.

Amberly jumps, hands shaking. Tears are starting to well in her eyes, but she can still see into the sink. Can still see the broken pieces of the mug that she and Remus had painted for their one-year anniversary, the one time she’d smuggled him back home to visit a pottery place. The mug with the black and brown cat curled around each other, their tails forming a fluffy heart shape, containing A X R- Together Forever.

She stares at the mug, and then back at Remus.

But he’s already gone, storming back to his room. A second later the door slams, a heavy note of finality that grates in her ears like a funeral bell.

Amberly reaches into the sink just before tears begin to pour down her face. Her fingers graze the shattered pieces, searching for her part of the heart. Her initial, that foolish cursive A that had been so hopeful, so happy, and so, so loved, if only for a short time. 

Had been…

Another word picked up inside her head, repeating itself mindlessly, driving itself into numb oblivion. 

Clingy.

Clingy.

Clingy.

Amberly’s fingers find the broken heart, cleaved right down the middle between their initials. She wants to laugh, a bitter twist of her lungs, but all she can find are tears as the broken shard slices her soft skin, leaving liquid crimson to drip over the sink and kitchen tiles.