#To the point that he suffers from nightmares and flashbacks

[quirkyrahne28]

Me: *Sees people on this site openly shipping incest, abuse, pedophilia, and some guy (A) with a guy (B) who beats him (A) up excessively and reminds him (A) of his (A’s) abusive father.*

Me: I’m not suicidal, but I see the Lord wishes to test me today.

[theraprism]

An aspect of the Theraprism plot element that I think is really important is that, as readers, I fully believe that we are meant to be uncomfortable with it.

It's fitting for Bill to end up in an environment where he is trapped and unable to exert power over others, and the fact that he describes the Theraprism specifically as "overmedicated" is a full-circle moment IMO. As a child, his bodily autonomy was disrespected through the medical abuse he was subject to, and when he became an adult, he abused others through violation of their own bodily autonomy (see: the entire section of the lost Journal 3 pages concerning the possession battle). Bill isn't unpersoned by the narrative -- the book makes clear that he has feelings, no matter how much he denies them -- but the Theraprism unpersons him. In a literal sense, it *will* unperson him by transforming him into a being that lacks higher consciousness. The Theraprism brands itself as an institution that operates on the principle of restorative justice but is in fact fundamentally punitive.

From the angle that Bill needs to face the consequences of his actions, it's perfect. He might not recognize the suffering of others -- he might not even acknowledge his own suffering -- but he will be forced to feel his own suffering either way.

But from the angle that Gravity Falls is a show about healing from the past and moving toward a future with those who love you, Bill's situation is an utter nightmare for someone like him. You can't argue that he isn't a tragic villain at this point because it is so clear by now that he is trapped by the past, both in terms of the flashbacks he is stated to experience and in the way that the Theraprism is a punishment for his past actions. And the Theraprism, when it comes down to it, is not meant to accomodate someone like Bill.

The Theraprism's goal is not to rehabilitate Bill, but to keep him there alone forever. His recommended treatment is "infinite karmic rehabilitation". That's not atonement, it's a plain and simple sentence to life in prison.

I think that tension is very intentional.

[vulpisnocturna]

Hey there! Glad to see you're back! ♥ Since you say you want headcanon requests... How would all our Uchiha's (mostly Itachi because I'm such a simp for him, but also Shisui, Sasuke, Madara, Obito and Indra and maybe Indra respond if their lover was confirmed to have been captured by enemy forces on a mission or during a war? And how would they respond if/when their lover was recovered alive but showing severe physical and mental damage from the torture they'd endured?

Hey my lovely, happy to be back 🤍

Uchiha reactions to a captured/PTSD suffering S/O

Itachi:

- would absolutely infiltrate enemy lines and retrieve their S/O, without sparing torture on the enemies. This man would torture them tenfold for every injury his S/O was subjected to. He would break their minds with Tsukuyomi and leave no survivors

- would be gentle and patient with his S/O, and it would break his heart to see them so broken after what happened to them. As a pacifist and someone who has a deep hatred for conflict and war, he would be furious and mournful that his SO has to live with the scars of the cruelty of the world

- He would definitely be the type to soothe his SO after nightmares, go for a walk in the moonlight with them to release pent-up stress, and generally be more protective of them. He would inform himself on how to best deal with panic attacks and try to therapise his S/O

- Itachi’s advice and “words of wisdom” may be of comfort but they may also fall flat because he tends to speak from a place of rationality more than emotion, and as a walking embodiment of PTSD, he’s one to talk. But hey, he is quite wise, and he means well.

Obito:

- Would literally go absolutely batshit crazy if his S/O was kidnapped and held hostage by the enemy. Cue the Rin flashbacks. Would destroy the world, burn it to ashes, go to Hell and back and make it rain blood. …Literally. He would be on his most unhinged, insane behaviour

- his SO should expect to never leave his side after that. He will be overprotective, like they are an infant who is at risk of dying with every breath

- would have nightmares about what happened and it would enrage him and break his heart to see his S/O broken by what they endured.

- wouldn’t know what to say or do to console them, except promise to always protect them and never let it happen again

Madara:

- you don’t fuck with Madara’s S/O. If you do, there is an incoming cataclysm your way. He would destroy their lineage for daring to hurting his loved ones. Would definitely worsen the war in an attempt to get revenge

- would be helpless in the face of dealing with PTSD. Madara is a strong person, who grew up not really learning how to express his feelings, and therefore, he doesn’t know how to deal with them

- would be the type to stand a few feet from them, stiff and awkward and boiling with fury and sorrow inside at the sight of their S/O hurting, but somehow, he can’t come up with anything worthwhile to say. Will probably say something like “it’s over now. It won’t happen again” and that’s it

Indra:

- oh boy, you messed up. His S/O is like his most prized possession to him, and no one can take that from him and break one of his things. Takes it more as a personal insult rather than anything else. Will kill everyone who disrespected him like that

- will probably be saddened but also frustrated by his S/O’s inability to get over what happened

- “it’s over now. No point crying about it”. He doesn’t mean to be cruel, but it’s just a matter of stating facts to him.

- what, his S/O doesn’t trust him to keep them safe or something? Do they doubt his strength?

Shisui:

- would definitely activate the other side of Shisui. Would efficiently and ruthlessly kill everyone who sought to hurt the person he loves. He would be there in a second

- the safety and comfort of his S/O after such a horrible ordeal would be his priority. A bit like Itachi, he would always be there to offer comfort, a shoulder to cry on or a distraction in difficult times to follow

- However, unlike Itachi’s therapy sessions, he is more the type to try to lighten the mood and lift his S/O’s spirits. He would make it his mission to make them laugh and keep them happy, sometimes to the point of stifling them and making them feel a little alienated

- if he’s asked to have a serious conversation about what happened, however, he is very serious about it, and very protective and comforting

Sasuke:

- cue a revenge plan. He is not joking around. This man has lost every single person he loved, and if his S/O is abducted and tortured, he is there in the span of 0.1 second raining hellfire on the people who dared hurt a person he loves

- This man is like a big ball of PTSD, and not the best at comforting and offering advice on how to heal. It’s taken him years, a self-discovery journey, an obsessive friend beating him up and exploding his arm to heal. Expect him to be there like a silent presence hovering around his S/O like a cat sensing something is wrong with their favourite person but not knowing what to do about it

- would wake them up from nightmares and sit with them in silence to calmly listen to them vent and cry. Sasuke is a very emotional person underneath, but he thinks he needs to be strong for his loved one, to be a safe haven but mostly an anchor to rely on

- would be terrified himself of losing his S/O again, and therefore be quite overprotective (he stalks his S/O secretly wherever they go)

[mementomoriwithacherryontop]

Esther's Torture Table: some thoughts

When Edwin is strapped to Esther's torture device, clearly having been at it's mercy for hours, at one point he cries:

This always struck me as odd. Esther is no where near him, in that moment. She doesn't need even need to touch him to turn her horrific device on; she uses her magic for that. Why does Edwin say this?

On my latest watch through, I realized why.

When I first saw this scene, I assumed the flashbacks meant Edwin was remembering the last time he was tied to a table. That was nearly 100 years ago, when he was sacrificed to Sa'al.

But I think he's experiencing more than just traumatic flashbacks*. I think he's actually reliving that moment. Maybe he's even reliving some of the torture he experienced in Hell. When he screams, and begs, and cries for his abuser to, "Please! No! Stay away! Please!" He's not talking to Esther. Not exactly.

He's talking to the bullies who stole him out of his bed and began his waking nightmare. He's talking to Sa'al, begging for mercy as his body disintegrates and reforms in Hell. He's talking to whatever demons he was sold to later, begging them to please, stop hurting him. He's talking to the Spider-Demon.

This device isn't just ripping apart his ghostly body. It's also ripping into his mind. It's breaking him open in every way it can. And he's utterly helpless to stop it.

--------

*I had a reference to PTSD here that was not the best word choice (although, I am sure Edwin is also suffering from significant PTSD, and I would have loved to have seen that flushed out in a second season). I replaced the phrase with "traumatic flashbacks", as I am not qualified to talk in depth about PTSD and all the nuances surrounding that clinical diagnosis.

[comicaurora]

YOU WATCHED CENTAURWORLD?!

YOU USED IT AS AN EXAMPLE IN THE TROPE TALK!!!!

It is my favorite and I require to know your thoughts on it.

It's. Hm

So I think it absolutely accomplished what it set out to do, which means it is a successful work of art. But I think what it was aiming for didn't work for me?

In its efforts to play with centaurworld's ridiculousness versus the gritty nightmare of the "real world", it tonally undercuts almost all of its profound moments and then tries to get profound character moments out of squeeky-toy inflatable cartoon characters. Of the main cast, Horse and Wammawink are basically the only ones who get sufficient development to feel like real characters capable of carrying impactful moments, and the rest of the crew are basically walking punchlines - even speedrunning their respective Tragic Backstories doesn't do much to strengthen them, because in the present of the show they're fundamentally joke characters incapable of emotional subtlety. It kinda feels like if a Looney Tunes episode randomly dropped a flashback to baby Daffy Duck being moses'd into the bullrushes as if that mattered to how he functioned now. Plus, once we start jumping back to the Real World again, it turns out all those characters are also wacky in their own way - lots of very quippy dialogue and self-referential humor. Instead of Horse feeling broadly representative of her world's tone, she feels like the most serious character in the entire show - at least until season 2 where her dialogue starts being 50% fart jokes by volume.

Overall I think I loved what they set up in season 1, but not how they paid it off in season 2. There's the themes they establish in season 1 of how centaurworld has a cartoonifying effect on everyone who comes there, and the way this plays to Horse early on is full on cartoon body horror - a realistic horse slowly and inexorably transforming into a parody of itself. I thought that was a fascinating way to frame it, and it was nightmarish to contemplate! It comes to a really strong head in the Whaletaur Shaman episode when her friends seem to finally realize how much she's been struggling and suffering and how, despite it looking like a big joke to everyone, it's profoundly unfunny to her. But while she gets a nice emotional resolution at the end of that episode, the underlying horror is never addressed again. She still seems unhappy with her new cartoon body, but the transformations are from this point forward framed as uncomplicated positives that everybody thinks are funny.

It's purposefully blending comedy and horror together, but the execution feels like the disparate ingredients are hindering each other's effectiveness. The horror stuff rarely gets sufficient gravity and is just left as Hey Look Horrifying Implications, and the jokes are often undermined by all the seriousness left lying around. It's a flavor combination that doesn't work for me.

And then the stuff with the Deertaur and the Princess is incredibly interesting and profound and tragic, and I don't understand why it's happening in the same show as everything else?

Also, this is a minor nitpick, but the musical numbers were astounding in the first season but seemed to experience some sort of weird categorical downgrade in season 2. All the solid numbers were reprises from season 1.

Centaurworld was doing something very much on purpose, and I just don't think I got what that something was.

[lilbitdepressed27]

Tara Carpenter/Fem!Reader The Last Of Us AU

Warnings: mentions of attempted r*pe but it doesn’t go into detail. Torture.

WC: 7.0k

Author’s Note: no one asked for it but I was replaying the last of us and I got inspired. So here y’all go. Hope y’all enjoy. Also I’d like to wish everyone happy holidays :D sorry for any mistakes in advance.

***

"So you and Tara. What's that about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come on everyone saw you two kiss at the dance."

"I don't know. She just kissed me, she probably just did that to make Chad jealous. You know how she gets when she's been drinking."

You were riding on the back of the horse that had been yours for the past five years. Ever since you got to the town, Jackson with your best friend who was more of a father figure to you. Things have been decent. Ever since you and Dewey left Boston things have been...different. But it was good type of different. The journey to Jackson was tough. It was something you were sure you'd never forget. The pain and suffering you went through was scaring.

The five years you've been safe behind the walls of Jackson. It was a beautiful place to call home. But even with time moving on, you still had nightmares of the year you had been on the road with the older man. It had been hard to get used the peacefulness of living in Jackson.

Now here you were on patrol with a friend of yours. Mindy had been a close friend since you arrived in Jackson. Along with some others. She also happened to be Chad's twin. She had always complained about how Chad and Tara weren't right for each other. Tara had also been a close friend of yours. A girl you also had a massive crush on.

"You haven't spoken to her?"

"Of course not. You were literally the one to wake me up for patrol. I haven't seen her since I ran out of there after the kiss last night." You got off the horse once you reached the radio tower. Feeling the judgmental look coming from Mindy. You purposely ignored the look as you moved to go up the stairs.

"Dude you're such a pussy." Mindy spoke out as she followed you up to the logging book.

The tower looked over the north side of the land. It really was a beautiful sight. The patrol was set to check the tower along with the surrounding area. Your partner was usually Tara but she had an accident last time she went out with Chad on patrol. She had a nasty fall and still hadn't been cleared to go back out on patrols. Even though she seemed fine now.

"Looks clear. We'll go out to the small town near by make sure it's clear down there as well. We don't need any infected or raiders near Jackson. We'll go quietly. Just to be safe." You spoke as you looked through the binoculars looking down at the small town that was near by. There were a few houses, most of them being destroyed, where no raiders could use as cover. And a grocery store that had seen better days.

"If we move now we could beat the storm coming in from the south." You handed the binoculars to Mindy, as you pointed to said storm.

"Yea come on then. I have a lady I'd like to get back to." She handed back the binoculars back to you. You stuffed them back in your bag and nodded.

"Come on then."

You had always taken the roll of a leader since being allowed to patrol. It was a roll that was given to you by Sidney, who was seen as the leader of Jackson. Sidney was the sister of Dewey which you had no idea at the time. But as you spent more time in the walls. You had grown close to the older woman. She had become like mother figure to you. She had helped quite a lot when you first arrived. She had seen the best of you and knew you'd be great out on patrol. Dewey had taken a bit to get used to. He always wanted you to be safe and careful. Which you were. He truly had nothing to worry about.

As you rode down to the small town you mind wondered to your best friend.

As you rode down to the small town you mind wondered to your best friend.

*Flashback*

You were drawing the destroyed clinic. You had always wondered what the world was like before the infection took over. Dewey often told you stories about the world before the infection hit. It was something you would have loved to see. You had been amazed at all the things you saw on the journey to Salt Lake and then back to Jackson. It had been your first time out side of the walls of the QZ. You had spent fourteen years in those walls. Being able to be outside of the walls had you excited but also terrified. You had heard of the stories that happened out side of the walls. Ever since you had been given the journal by Dewey you used it as a way to express yourself.

"You are so good at drawing."

The sudden voice right next to your ear had you jumping just a bit. You looked to your left to see the face of your best friend. Her chin resting on your shoulder as she looked down at your journal. She was standing on a empty supply box in order to reach your shoulder. You loved how short Tara was. Her height was one of the many things you loved about her. Tara had been your first friend when you arrived at Jackson. It had been hard at first, getting used to peacefulness that came with living in Jackson. The year you were on the road with Dewey had been a tough one. Especially during the winter. The winter had brought back some memories you wished to forget.

But with Tara around, she had become such a great help. Opening up to Tara had been difficult, you didn't open up to her right away. And you didn't tell her everything. You had felt so, ashamed of what happened during the winter. You had never felt so...weak.

"You should paint me like one of your French girls."

You could tell that what she said was meant to be a joke but the joke had gone right over your head, cause you didn't have slightest clue on what she was talking about.

"What? Like my who?"

With a small laugh escaping from her lips, she moved to stand in front of you with a teasing smile on her face. "It's reference from a movie, I'll have to show you when we get back. Now come on. I wanna see what's inside of the building."

You felt Tara's eyes on you as moved to stand in front of her after putting your journal away. You knew Tara could take care of herself. She was strong and smart. You tried not to show it but you had shown signs of protectiveness towards her. Something you knew she hated it,  when someone thought she couldn't handle herself. She's complained about Chad doing it all the time. Sam did to. But you couldn't help it. You had to protect her.

*End of Flashback*

"Yo Y/n, you good?"

The voice snapping you out of your thoughts. You looked at Mindy and nodded. "Come on, we'll tie the horses good distance from the actual town. It's small, but we don't know who or what could be hiding in there. Horses could bring us some unwanted attention. We'll go on foot."

You got off your horse and loosely tied her reins to a tree. You had to make sure that if something spooked her she'd be able to get away. All the horses knew their way back to Jackson. Which was a good thing. You'd hate for her to get lost and killed.

"Alright then, let's check the pharmacy first. The houses seem too run down for someone to be in there. Then we'll check the market and lastly the ski lodge." Mindy spoke as she also tied her horse next to yours and walked towards your side. She didn't really want to go to ski lodge. Especially with the storm coming in. But she had drawn the short straw with the other patrols. Once a week, one patrol has to make the trip to the lodge to make sure there was no raiders there.

"Let's go then. The quicker we finish here the quicker we get the lodge and then back home."

**

"Home base come in, this is patrol 3 done with the grocery store. Heading up to the lodge." You spoke into the walkie talkie. There had been a few of the infected in the store. But it wasn't nothing that you and Mindy couldn't handle.

"Roger that. Please be careful going up there okay. Check back in the second you're done."

The sound of Tara's voice had you cheeks feeling warm. The look that Mindy shot you had been enough for you turn away from her. It was a hundred percent due to how cold it was and not because of the memory of Tara's soft lips on your own.

"We will Tara don't worry."

"Hurry back to me okay? Cause we have a movie night to get started."

The walkie talkie was taken from your hands before you could reply. "Don't worry Tara I'll bring your little girlfriend back to you. Now stop flirting so she can focus. Over and out."

"...Over and out."

You heard Tara mumble, you could picture her face at the this very moment. The small blush that colored her freckled cheeks. How you loved loved counting her freckles.

"You're such a dick." You pushed her away from your horse. Mindy laughed as she put the walkie talkie in her bag and getting on her horse.

"Oh come on. Don't you think it's about time you and Tara get together. I mean, even Dewey noticed how you two act around each other. Dewey out of all people." Mindy groaned in mock frustration. She truly wanted you and Tara to be happy. Anyone with eyes could see the bond you and Tara have. They way Tara was quick to become your friend. The way Tara, from the moment you arrived had been determined to be around you and be your friend. The way Tara had become so protective of you, it had all been something so obvious.

"Nuh uh, Gale had done nothing but flirt with the old man since we got here. And he hasn't noticed. Plus like I said earlier Tara's just...confused. Her and Chad had always been off and on again." You argued, there was just no way. And you sure as hell didn't want to get your hopes up.

"God Y/n, you are so bad at this. How can you not see it. I'll never understand."

"You don't understand, I'm not-I've never really had a..." A wave of her hand urging you to continue. "Ugh I've never been in a relationship." A wave of embarrassment crossed your face.

"What?!"

"Dude, would you shut up." You looked around with red cheeks (although you would blame it on the cold) to make sure the cost was still clear.

"Wait what do you mean, you haven't been in a relationship? I thought you dated Quinn. Literally everyone thought you two were dating."

You shook your head. Quinn was a great friend. Other than Tara, Quinn had also been a good friend. She was also the main reason why you could now wear sleeveless shirts. The chemical burn was a nasty scar and you had been insecure about it. So at first not only did you have to wear long sleeve shirts cause of the bite mark. But also cause of the chemical burn. Quinn had been the first one out of your friend group to see the chemical burn. She had offered to cover it up with a tattoo.

But back to the rumor, Quinn was just a friend. Don't get it wrong you had a one night stand once or twice. Quinn liked you as friend and that was it. It was same for you.

"Well I, I mean we did fool around once or twice. But that was it. It was never anything serious. Now can we save this talk for another time. We're almost there." You got off your horse and tied her up once again. The ski lodge wasn't far now. It looked empty from a far. But you knew it was a great spot for raiders to be camping in. The lodge was in perfect condition, it was a great spot to hide in to get out of the cold.

"Home base, we are at the lodge. Stand by for status." Mindy spoke into the walkie talkie. With a conformation coming from Tara.

"Okay, check in the second it's cleared."

"Copy."

You guys moved up wards. Taking your rifle and getting it ready. You were a good distance from the lodge where if someone was in there they wouldn't see you coming.

"You take the back, and I'll take the front?" Mindy spoke as you both went through the hole in the fence.

"No we stick together. I have a bad feeling about this. Stay close and stay quiet."

But nothing would have prepared either of the two for what was to come.

**

The short brunette sat next to the radio waiting for the patrols to give the all clear. She had woken up in the morning with her lips still tingling from the kiss she had with her best friend. The feeling of your lips on her were everything she dreamed of and more. The way your lips moved against hers were just so exhilarating, she wanted more. She needed more. The love she had for you was something she had been hiding for years now.

She never really hid the feelings. You were just so damn oblivious it was cute at first but it had started to get annoying. Why couldn't you understand that she had feelings for you.

The confused look you always had when she flirted with you, she couldn't help but to laugh sometimes. The innocent look on your face was so, cute. The feelings she got every time she looked at you. It was feelings that she had never felt before. She had thought she was in love with Chad but from the moment she first saw you. She knew she wasn't.

She remembered the first time she saw you. It had been few months before you actually stayed in Jackson with Dewey. She had seen you walking around with the older man and Sidney. Later she found out that Sidney and Dewey were related. But she remembered you clearly. She had wanted nothing more than to walk up to you that day but she couldn't cause they got attacked soon after. And then you were gone with one of the horses.

She had seen Sidney and Dewey take off to find you, only for Sidney to return alone with an extra horse. No sight of Dewey or you. She had been left with so much...regret? Regretting that she didn't talk to you before you left. She had really thought that she would never see you again. But almost a year later she had watched how you and Dewey came to Jackson.

She'd never forget the look in your eyes, when you followed Dewey and Sidney. You had changed from the last time she had seen you. But this time she made sure to talk to you. You had been closed off at first. But with time she was able to get through your tall walls.

Your smile was something she absolutely loved. Along with your laugh. It took a while for to hear it. But once she did, she was on a mission to always hear it again.

There was just something about you that had her heart in a tight grip. Taking you out to dance last night had been her sitting her foot down and taking the first step. Cause she knew if she waited for you to do it, she'd be waiting way too long. She was done waiting.

It had been going great up until that asshole Frankie interrupted the kiss and called her a dyke. That asshole had interrupted something she had been working hard to get and when you stood up straight your smile no longer on your face. She knew there was no stopping you. You stood in front of her as you demanded Frankie to say it again. And Frankie being the moron he was, had repeated it. He didn't necessarily get to finish the slur before you punched him so hard he had been knocked out.

She knew how protective you were of not only her but of every single one of your friends. Remembering how you punched someone else for calling Ethan a faggot. She had seen the way your shoulders tensed at all the eyes being on you. You were never good when it came down to having all the attention on you. Before she could go to comfort you, you had ran out of there. She tried to follow you but she had lost you in the crowd.

"Home base come in, this is patrol 3 done with the grocery store. Heading up to the lodge."

At the sound of your voice she was quick to snap out of her thoughts and quickly reach for the radio.

"Roger that. Please be careful going up there okay. Check back in the second you're done." She hated that she wasn't the one with you. It's not that she didn't trust Mindy or believe that Mindy would keep you safe. It was just that she wanted to be the one with you. When it was you and her, it was like you both were unstoppable. She had preferred being parred with you. She just felt more reassured of your safety when she was with you.

"We will Tara don't worry." Your gentle voice had her smiling with out her even realizing.

"Hurry back to me okay? Cause we have a movie night to get started." It was a small date, she had named it that, before the kiss happened last night. Teasing you was always so easy, she just wished she could see your blush right now.

"Don't worry Tara I'll bring your little girlfriend back to you. Now stop flirting so she can focus. Over and out." Mindy's voice teased right back. This time she was glad she was alone, so no once could see her own blush that was no doubt on her neck as well.

"...Over and out." She mumbled in the radio. She swore she could hear Mindy's laughter from here.

"Not fun being on the other end of being teased is it?"

Tara looked up to see Sam standing there with a small smile on her face. Tara had arrived in Jackson with Sam when she was eleven and Sam was eighteen. Sam had been in bad shape when they met Sidney. Since then Sidney had taken them under her care and basically became somewhat of a mother figure. She had never been so thankful that in that moment they met Sidney. Cause for a moment she had thought that Sam wasn't going to make it.

"Shut up. How was patrol?" Sam had been tasked to go on patrol. It had been the short route. Apparently Sam had won it playing poker with some of the older men.

"It was alright. No signs of infected or any raiders." Sam looked back at her younger sister. The red of her cheeks was still noticeable. When Sam had first met you, you had been a quiet, shy girl. Sidney had spoken to her and Tara when you and Dewy arrived for the second time. She had also remembered how much Tara had asked Sidney about the older man and the younger girl he had been with. The first time she saw them.

The amount of times Tara had asked Sidney when they were coming back. Or if they were coming back. From the very first moment. She had known that Tara wanted more than just friendship.

Or how obviously jealous Tara had gotten when you started hanging out with Quinn more often. She had never seen her sister get so jealous. Not even when Chad would speak to other girls or be seen hanging g around other girls. Not to say Chad was the cheating type. But how annoyed she'd see Tara get when you'd be seen around with Quinn. It was almost too funny.

She being the mature person she was and simply asked you about Quinn. Like a normal person. You had said that you and Quinn were just friends and that was it. She had asked a few days ago.

"You do know that Quinn and Y/n never dated right?"

"What? Yes they did. Everyone has seen them together. Not to mention when Ethan said he saw y/n coming out of Quinn's apartment."

"Okay so if let's say Y/n is dating Quinn. Why would you kiss her?" Sam sat down and really looked at her sister. The way the younger girl looked down at her hands. The guilty and shameful look glossed over her sisters face. The crestfallen look directed her way.

"I don't know. I mean, Quinn hasn't said anything to me and I saw her this morning. She even smiled at me. Lord knows what I would have done if someone kissed my Y/-my partner. I sure as hell wouldn't smile at them." Tara looked down at her hands. "I love her Sam. I love her so much. I thought I loved Chad. And I do love him. Just not in that way. He's great. But I-You want Y/n." Sam finished for her.

She nodded as she felt her eyes fill with tears. The fear of rejection had become to crawl its way back.

"Well then Tara you-Base come in!" Mindy's voice cut through the room. The faint sound of gun fire being able to be heard in the background.

"Mindy what's wrong?" Tara was quick to respond.

"Fuck, there's too many! They got Y/n! Fuck, I'm hurt and I barely have any—" The gun fire was heard and Sam moved fast to call in Sidney and Dewy. Moving to gather a group to help her friends.

"—Ammo. Fuckfuck. They got Y/n. They took her. And I don't know where. Send help! Quickly!"

Tara wouldn't be able to explain how she felt in that very moment, even if she tried. Gale, who had had come into the room the moment Sam ran out shouting. The older woman took the radio from Tara. Signaling for her to go.

At the sound of more gun shots coming from the radio. Everything snapped back to normal. Tara was out of her seat and running to the armory. She needed to find you. She needed to get you.

She has to save you.

*

"Now tell us about Jackson."

A hard punch was delivered to the side of your head. You hadn't expected for things to turn so quickly. The ambush was something you truly weren't expecting. Maybe a few guys, no more than five. Something you knew you and Mindy could handle. But almost a dozen people had been in that house. It was like they expected for you to come.

"Fuck," You groaned, letting out a wet chuckle. The beating you have been receiving has been, well just that. A beating. "Go fuck yourself."

"Mmh a feisty one. They always turn into the begging ones." The man smirked as he leaned down getting in your face. His yellow dirty teeth just about made you want to throw up.

"Ugh ew gross. Ever heard of toothpaste?" Your head snapped to the right from the force of the punch.

"Your people, they won't find you."

"Oh I don't know man, I don't mean to brag but my best friend is very protective of me. And she's a scary woman when she's mad. And she can be very ambitious." A punch to the gut had you hunched over in the chair you were tied to. Gasping for the air that was punched out of you.

"Shut up. Now if you won't talk we will make you talk."

**

Tara, Sam, Dewey (there was no stopping that man from getting to you) Chad, Ethan (who both had been on patrol and over heard Mindy's distress call), Anika who had been quick to follow Sam the moment she heard. A few others had also gone.

"We don't know how many are in that lodge. We can use the storm as cover. Stay with your partner we can't risk one of you being lost in the storm. Okay?" With a nod of understanding. Dewey moved from the table. "Keep things quiet. Chances are they have Mindy's and Y/n's radio." Taking out his radio and holding it up to his mouth. "Patrols, this is home base. Return to home base. Storm is going to get worse. Too dangerous to be out."

"What are you doing?" Ethan spoke from standing next to Chad. He wanted to get to his friends. Who knows what those assholes were doing to them. He also couldn't lose them. He had been so close to just going off to the lodge with Chad. They had been closer Mindy and Y/n.

"We gotta make them believe that no one is going to the lodge. Hopefully that brings down their guard. Come on let's go."

*

"Patrols, this is home base. Return to home base. Storm is going to get worse. Too dangerous to be out."

"Oh well you listen to that. Looks like your people aren't coming. Now tell us what we want or, suffer." The man smirked down at you. His hands still had blood, your blood. You wondered where was Mindy in all this. You had hoped that she wasn't facing the same suffering as you were. Hoping that she somehow made it out.

"Fuck you."

A scream full of pain tore through your throat as the knife went down on your thigh. The agonizing pain as he tapped the knife. Your tried not to show any signs of pain. But you could only hide the pain for so long. The knife in your thigh was clear sign of that. You already had one knife going through your palm.

"Now, how many of you are there?" When he didn't get a response, other than the heavy breathing coming from the girl, he slapped her cheek. Then roughly cupping her cheeks to make her look at him. He couldn't deny that she was much stronger than any other guy he's done this to. But there was a clear difference between torturing a man and a woman.

One of the biggest fears for woman was being helpless in the hands of a mad man. A man no one was going to stop.

*

Tara barely remembered getting to the lodge. Quietly killing some of the guards that were too unbothered to actually do a guards job. She had one goal in mind. One thing. Save you and Mindy. The men that stood in her way, saw no mercy. The knife she used, a knife you had given her, a modified buck 120. It was knife she treasured with her heart. Caring it everywhere she went. The way knife slit there throats, hearing them choke on their own blood. She didn't hear.

A hand on her shoulder indicated for her to stop. She looked back at Sam, who pointed at one of the doors. A door to what she assumed was a supply room. With a nod she prepared herself for her sister to open the door. The door was pushed open only to see Mindy tied to a chair badly beaten. Mindy's wrist tied to the arms of the chair. Her mouth tapped shut. Eyes widening when they made eye contact with Sam.

Sam was quick to untie Mindy and removing the tape. "Fuck. Did you guys find Y/n yet?" Mindy whispered as groaned from the pain coming from her arm. The gun shot wound burned but she knew she'd be fine.

"No. Do you know where she could be? We've cleared the down stairs area. Most of the men I'm sure." Tara whispered back.

"Fuck, I heard them say she was in the main office upstairs. With the leader I'm assuming. He asked to not be disturbed. Fuck, that was few minutes ago. We gotta go stop him. Who knows what he's doing-No Tara wait for us." The whispered shout was not registered.

Tara had not waited for Mindy to finish was she was going to stay. The implication was there. The horrifying picture was there and they were rage filled.

With those in mind, she was still not prepared for when she pushed open the main office door. You chained up to ceiling by your wrists. To see your shirt cut open from the middle exposing your bra. Your jeans being unbuckled with the zipper down. You showing no signs of consciousness. The man in front of you had no shirt, had been in the process of taking of his own jeans.

This rage that coursed through her body, it was something she never felt before.

"I said to leave us alone-"

The sentence was never finished. Tara moved with a speed the man couldn't process. The knife cutting the man's popliteal artery. The screams of the man were heard. The way he fell clutching the back of his knee has the blood gushed out. She didn't stop there. Moving to cut off the genitals, that had been out. The disgust and anger she felt were fueled. His screams grew louder. Letting him suffer for few more seconds before she silenced by stabbing him in the mouth. His blood spraying on her face as he chocked. The life fading from his eyes.

She was quick to turn around taking in your beaten body. The way your bra had been cut half way down the middle. Almost exposing you. She felt her eyes fill with tears at what you almost went through. The choked sob as the amount of blood, your blood covering your body.

"Y/n? Baby open your eyes. It's okay now. He's dead. Fuck, Sam!!" Your breathing was uneven, she couldn't get you down by herself. The rope tying your wrist to ceiling being too high.

"Dewey! Somebody fucking help me!!"  She dropped her back pack. Taking out the medical supplies. The gauze to stop the bleeding coming from your leg. She had moved with a with such a hurry. She couldn't lose you. The blood coming out of your body was too much.

"Oh my god."

"Don't just fucking stand there. Help me get her down." Tying the wound after stuffing the wound with some gauze, like she was taught hoping that would stop the bleeding. Hearing your groans of pain had her tears escaping her eyes. She had also been quick to button up your jeans.

Sam, Dewey and Ethan were by her side in seconds. Sam and Dewey  holding you as Ethan cut the rope. Your body falling into her arms almost taking her down if it weren't for Sam and Dewey holding you.

"We have to get her back to Jackson." Ethan said as he glanced back at the man. The anger he felt had been so intense. But seeing the state of the way the man was left. He figured that the man got what he deserved although he wished he could done some harm to the man. He saw how Tara tended to you, the way she was fast to take out everything she needed to help you.

"We have to go."

Tara moved to grab your jacket that had been thrown to the side. With the help of Sam she was able to put on the jacket making sure every wound she saw had been covered and cleaned in hopes you wouldn’t get any infection. Ethan had moved to carry you out of the office. Tara following close behind.

Dewey would have carried you but he knew with his injured leg he wouldn't be able to. His leg had been shot during a raid, a year back. His leg almost being shot off completely. He had been lucky to still have his leg. Although he couldn't carry heavy things, not at risk of his leg giving out.

But he did hold on to the y/hc haired girl when he got on his horse. The girl he looked as his daughter. The fury he felt was still there. Seeing the bruises, cuts and dried blood on your face was-, the storm was raging on and they had to get back to Jackson quick. The group rode close and fast. Tara being close to him as they rode, her eyes looking at you every few seconds. He knew how much the short brunette cared about his daughter. The concern that was obvious in the girls eyes. He could still see the rage in her eyes as well. He had seen the bodies left in her wake, the way no one could stop her to get to Y/n.

He held Y/n closer to him. Making sure she wouldn’t fall from his grasp from all the movement. That guy had what was coming and he hoped he felt every painful stab before he was killed.

*

With how fast they were moving, they had gotten to Jackson in no time. Sidney had her husband Derek, who was the doctor of the town. Ready. She had been ready to go with the group to save you. But she knew she couldn't. Not when she had a baby on the way. So she stayed. Waiting in the tower hoping to see any sign of the group returning. She waited about three hours before seeing lights. With storm she could barely see the lights, but when she was sure it was them, she had the gates opened. Hurrying down the stairs to get to the group.

Seeing Mindy first. The girl was injured but from what she could see the girl looked okay. Which was relief. But when she the state Y/n was in, she gasped. Hurrying after Ethan who had gotten off his horse to help Dewey. He had been quick to take Y/n and rush her to the house that was their own little hospital. Tara was on at his heels hurrying after him. Derek had also moved so fast she could barely register what was happening.

"What happened?" She asked Dewey as soon as they were out of the storm.

"They wanted entail on Jackson. They had been camped out there for at least a week. Seeing is that they weren't their last week. They tried to get information out of the girls. They-" Dewey clenched his jaw. The image of how he found you flashing in his mind. His fists shaking wishing he had gotten his hands on that man. "They're dead now. There won't be anyone coming looking for them."

Sidney knew, she didn't have to ask. The way Dewey was acting from the way Tara had been covered in blood and from what it looked like, it wasn't hers. To the way Ethan (who was usually a sweet, caring boy) and Sam had the looks of just anger that she knew.

*

The first thing you felt when you woke up was the pain. The pain coming from all over your body. It was almost too much to bare. The dryness of your throat felt like it was rubbed with sand paper. The last thing you remember was being hit repeatedly by that asshole. Then everything went black. You didn't remember anything after that. You were clearly saved, which you were grateful for.

Eyes snapping open, when you remembered Mindy. You tried to get up but the pain prevented you from that. Not only did the pain stop you but warm hands gently touching our shoulders. Your eyes (one eye cause the other was swollen shut) connected with the familiar dark chocolate colored eyes you loved.

"Tara." You smiled softly, your uninjured hand reaching over to wipe the tear that escaped her red puffy eyes. Then cupping her cheek. Smiling through the pain when she leaned into you hand, one of her hands moving to be in top of yours. You had been so grateful to see her beautiful face again. "Is Mindy okay?" You rasped out.

"She's okay." Tara whispered back. Her eyes taking every single cut, bruise that she could find. Your face cleaned of any blood, making the bruises and cut stand out more. She couldn't help the tears as she gripped your hand with both of hers. Crying as she brought your hand to her lips.

"Fuck, I was so scared, I thought I was going to lose you."

Your heart clenched at the sound of her sobs. "I'm okay. Come here." Taking the shorter girls hand gently pulling on it.

"But you're hurt—I don't care. Lay with me, please."

With a bit of hesitation, she laid by your side. Your good arm wrapping around her shoulder pulling her closer. She was careful not to cause you any harm in any way. Feeling her shoulders relax as her head laid on your shoulder. Feeling your lips on her hair line. With your warmth pressed to her body, the exhaustion finally took over.

*

Tara had stayed by your side. Helping you when ever she could. It had been a week since, that day. You were thankful that Tara had stayed by your side. But something had been off since that day. You could tell something was bothering the shorter girl.

You sat on your couch in the garage right behind the house Dewey lived in. Tara was in the kitchen making a small dinner for the both of you. She was a lot more quiet than usual. It was starting to worry you. You figured she needed time to process what happened to you. But the more she had her moments like this, quiet, stuck in her head. The more you felt like she was keeping something from you.

You carefully took your injured foot off the coffee table where it was resting. Biting your lip at the pain. Your thigh and palm wound had been thee most painful out of the injuries. From what Derek said you had been lucky. Only severally bruised ribs, lucky to not have your eye socket broken, or nose for that matter. And lucky that the knife to the palm didn't cause any nerve damage. Even with all that luck, the pain was still very much there.

You stood up straight making sure to put too much weight on your bad leg. Taking the crutch Ethan had fixed up for you.

"Hey you're supposed to be off the leg." Tara was by your side in seconds. Her hands going to hold your waist only for them to freeze before she actually touched you. That had also been something that you had noticed. Tara wouldn't touch you until she had your full consent. It was something she usually never really had to ask for.

"Okay, tell me what's wrong? At first I thought it was due to injuries I have. But that's not it, is it." You stood straight in front of her. You wanted to know what was causing her to act so strange. When Tara refused to look at you, you took her chin with your good hand. Gently turning her head, you were a bit taken back when you saw the tears in her eyes. Even with the tears, you could see a hint of anger in her eyes.

“Talk to me Tar, what’s wrong?” With your thumb you took her bottom lip away from her teeth. You knew she had a habit of biting her bottom lip when anxious.

“Fuck Y/n, I-I don’t, the guy he was-that mother fucker was going to-” She couldn’t finish the sentence, but she didn’t have to. You knew exactly what she meant. The feeling of disgust and dread at what happened.

“He didn’t-He didn’t you know—No! No I got there in time.” This time Tara was quick to take your hands in hers. There had been no hesitation on her part this time. She lead you back to the couch.

“Is he dead?”

“Yes. He died a very slow painful death. I made sure of that. No one harms you and gets away with it.” Tara held your hands and looked back into your eyes.

“Tara, thank you. For saving me.” You looked away debating whether you should tell her.

“You don’t have to thank me, I love you Y/n. You’re my best friend. I’ll do anything for you. Even if it means cutting off a creeps dick.”

Your jaw dropped a short surprised laugh escaping your lips. “What? His dick?”

She smiled proudly, “Yup, chopped it right off. It’s what he deserved. Nobody messes with my girl.” Her confidence never breaking eye contact had you blushing.

“Your girl huh. I like the sound of that.” It had been her turn to blush.

“Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask.” With that you pulled her into a long awaited kiss. This time you would make sure to pore everything into the kiss. To make sure Tara knew how much she felt for her. The feeling of her warm hands cupping your cheeks bringing you even closer to her. Only pulling away when lack of air became an issue. She rested her head on to yours. Her thumbs creasing your cheeks.

“I love you to Tara.”

Tara smiled, her dimples on full display. She couldn’t help herself as she once again pulled into a kiss. The feeling of your lips on her was something she had dreamed of. And now she had you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE:)

[black-butler-meta]

Analyzing Book of Circus: Sex, Attraction, and Physical Touch Are Simply Tools for Sebastian

There are two things we know for certain about Sebastian. One, he is a demon, and as such, isn't bound by silly things such as human morals and human standards of right and wrong. Two, he's hot as heck and everyone knows it. This is intentional, of course... it's a key part of his design and a big part of what makes him such a desirable character. It's a theme often found with dark supernatural characters (vampires, demons, werewolves, fae, etc.) and it's that call of temptation, exploration of sex and sexuality, looking taboo in the eye, and following that dark lure of danger that makes such characters so enticing for so many of us.

So, of course we see how this comes up and presents itself throughout Black Butler. Specifically, this post is looking at how Sebastian utilizes his attractiveness as well as physical touch to manipulate those around him.

So, first, let's look at how he seduces Beast and manipulates her to gain information. He manipulates Beast's loneliness and pain combined with her attraction towards him to sleep with her and get the name of "father." It was a few heavily spoken words, promising relief from the ache she felt, and choice hand placements. Gripping her wrist, a hand on her hip. But every moment of that entire scene, from the moment he approaches her to when they are in her tent, was him being calculating and emotionally barren. There was no kissing, hardly any face to face positioning. Even when he first comes onto her, he's behind her, with eye contact at a minimum. The parts that we do see of him touching her during the act are primarily when he's undressing and touching her prosthetic rather than her actual skin. Even the shadows on the wall are only of her and her reaction to what he's doing to her, symbolizing how he's really not "there" with her. He's removed entirely from the exchange, and he talks through the entire thing. It's just another work day for him.

It's not the first or last time that Sebastian uses his attractiveness and sex appeal to manipulate. There are other points throughout the series where it happens as well, and with good reason - his entire characterization is centered around his sex appeal. He's meant to be irresistible, attractive to the point of distraction, possessing an otherworldly beauty and air of mysterious allure that humans are particularly susceptible to. William describes him as much in Book of Circus. He's a predator specifically designed to lure his prey into a false sense of security before striking, and his prey are humans. It doesn't matter their age, gender, sex, or race. Souls are souls, and they are made for devouring.

Which brings us to the PTSD scene where Ciel is having a full on panic attack/mental breakdown, drool and all. Sebastian is very close to him, grinning like the cat that caught the canary, and the entire vibe of it is uncomfortable due to how close and intimate it feels, all while Ciel is suffering and Sebastian is looking and nefariously seductive. Every action and angle of him in that scene is sensual and intimate (his finger swiping Ciel's lip, untying Ciel's eyepatch, etc.), while Ciel is obviously not. His eyes are closed, his face contorted in misery, drool/vomit down his chin… this moment is about his suffering. In fact, he hardly registers the way Sebastian is touching him, which makes this scene verge on noncon; after all, how would Ciel react to having his lips touched if he wasn't in the middle of a panic attack? It's this crossroad of Sebastian's predatory sex appeal and Ciel's trauma that makes this scene so uncomfortable. This is exacerbated even more so by the fact that Ciel is a child which is made even more obvious during this scene. Ciel is having flashbacks of his trauma from years prior, when he was younger and smaller, and he is pleading for Sebastian in the way a child may call for their parent during a nightmare. Ciel in that moment wasn't "13 year old going on 30" as he often portrays himself. He was a small little boy, once again trapped in his cage.

Meanwhile, Sebastian is simply relishing in Ciel's suffering and seizes the opportunity to change the power dynamic between them. Ciel may be his master, but Sebastian is the one pulling the strings in this moment. Sebastian's gentle, his voice is smooth, his touch is soothing. He holds his outstretched hand, wrapping his arms around him. He fills up Ciel's vision, making him focus on the demon's physical presence rather than the horror that's unfolding. And Ciel allows it, even the touching of his lips, unaware of the boundary it's crossing because he's literally in the middle of a panic attack and needs to be saved. It's manipulation, plain and simple; Sebastian is fostering codependency as a tool to further corrupt the soul he will eventually get to devour. He's using this close proximity and intimate contact to push Ciel to call on his demon and slaughter everyone. Sebastian may be the sword, but Ciel is the hand, and in the end, this act of violence falls on him. In the end, it's his soul that suffers, which is just how Sebastian wants it to be.

Even the touch of Ciel's lips is a predatory one; it may seem to drip with sexually charged energy, especially since the lips are an erogenous zone (imagine if he did that to an adult… tell me that wouldn't immediately seem sexual); however, this sexual presence is largely in part to that just being a part of Who Sebastian Is. As stated before, that allure is a part of his design as a hunter, so of course it will be the strongest/most noticeable when occurring in the presence of human weakness.

The way he draws his thumb along his lip is like checking the ripeness of fruit. The way he stares down at him is like a chef checking a pot of stew simmering on the stove. It's almost as if he can smell the corruption brewing through Ciel's open mouth. (Also, I'd bet money that the soul is "removed" from the body through the mouth, as this was also implied at the end of season 1, even though that episode wasn’t technically canon). This doesn't really surprise me, because creatures of the night devouring their victims through physically intimate situations is a pretty common theme (e.g., vampires biting necks/thighs). It all ties into Sebastian's dark nature. Once again, it's intended to be uncomfortable.

And once he gets Sebastian's permission, the discomfort of the scene immediately ends, Sebastian’s predatory sex appeal is muted (but still present - always present). Ciel is carried in Sebastian's arms like a child being carried off to bed while Sebastian slaughters everyone. Sebastian's manipulation worked; his food gave into the rage and Sebastian gets to kill for him, thus bringing him closer to completing his contract.

Contrast this with the times when Sebastian is not trying to manipulate Ciel, and his touches are far more tame and appropriate. Wiping the water off of Ciel’s body, feeling his forehead for a fever, etc. It’s usually when he’s fulfilling his butler duties, or when Ciel’s life is in danger, that he almost forgets his predatory nature and behaves almost normally. Perhaps it’s through these gentler, everyday interactions that helps Sebastian gradually grow an attachment to his young master. He still sees him as food, but less predator/prey and more farmer and his livestock, a steward for a broken soul until it’s ready for slaughter. But I feel like if there’s any chance of Sebastian growing beyond his demon nature, it’ll be through these mundane but meaningful moments.

[scattered-under-moonlight]

Six Hundred Strike

There's our electric guitar!!! I love how intense this song is its so interesting that the soldiers voices are back, which I see as him fighting for them as well, in their memory

"I will get back to my son and I will get back to my wifeeeeee" dude is just a family man, ignore the murder obviously, everyone has their quirks "for every comradeeee, every one of my friends almost all of whom were slaughtered by your hand"

It's fun to see the differences in just audio things vs the Animatic, like the wind picking up here to show the bag had been opened vs us seeing him fly with it "blocked your one way hooommmeee" this part has been stuck in my head all day for some reason A melody from Different Beast plays here!!! The initial hum when he's making the decision to show ruthlessness!! oh my god Jorge your BRAIN, I need to crawl inside of it "you're going to call off that storm" Now there's the man who cut those sirens tails off "You cant kill me" "Exactly" cue me looking like that Pikachu meme Again with the audio cues, that metal Ting of him picking up the trident sent a chill down my spine, Poseidon's like damn maybe this isn't going my way Jorge is a genius for how he uses the cries as a harmony, even the gasps add a nice texture to the background, its almost embarrassing how much I've replayed this song at this point "I watched my friends die in horror, crying as they were all slain, I heard their final moments, calling their captain in vain" good GOD, the therapy this man needs and will never get "All of the pain that I've been through (stop) haven't I suffered enough? (STOPPPPP)" <- Almost sent that audio bit to a friend because of how obsessed I am with it but she hasn't listened to any of Epic yet "You didn't stop when I begged you, told me to close my heart (you) you said the world was dark (monnnsterrrrrrrr)" Monster callback my beloved <3 "After everything you've done, how will you sleep at night" Flashback to the "If I'll never sleep at night" from My Goodbye and "I no longer dream, Only nightmares of those who've died" from The Underworld "Next to my wife" MIC DROP, give that man a prize for the hardest line ever

[verdemoun]

Do Sean or Kieran or anyone get like flashbacks from being in reform school or the army if someone like, yells at them or something? If so, how would they, and the other gang members react? (Sorry, it’s a stupid question-)

they proceeded to trigger each other on a regular basis.

the whole gang has ptsd. obviously. and for a lot of them, modern era was the first time they could address it. which meant. digging up a lot of stuff they thought they were over. sean and kieran in particular are dealing with a lot, but in polar opposite directions.

sean didn't go through horsemen, apocalypse. as a result, he still tends to call kieran o'driscoll. hearing o'driscoll in general puts kieran is a sub-par headspace, but with that irish twang pronounciation kieran is fucked. the first dozen of times kieran would hyperventilate so bad he would faint.

and sean takes years to unlearn the behaviour, despite only having known kieran a few months in canon era. it is not uncommon to hear 'hey o'drisc- SHIT KIERAN SORRY SORRY FUCK SORRY I MEANT KIERAN' and kieran is trying to force himself to take deep breath with tears in his eyes giving sean an awkward thumbs up he knows it was an accident

kieran's biggest trauma is being taken by the o'driscolls. war was hell, obviously, but the absolute torture he suffered at the hands of the o'driscolls both before and after the vdls. he 1. regularly wakes up screaming from nightmares and 2. often goes outside in the middle of the night for fresh air after a nightmare.

you know where else people let out blood curdling screams in the middle of the night? children being abused at reform school! you know who else slams doors at midnight? british agents breaking in to murder your da!

poor lenny wakes up to the door slamming and knows kieran is having a bad night, which he feels awful about as one of the people who didn't notice and did nothing about kieran being taken in canon era, but also sean uncontrollably sobbing because all that terror and grief from his childhood was dragged straight to the forefront of his mind and at no point in his life was he ever allowed to just cry about how much he went through.

it gets significantly easier after arthur timewarps in a way, because arthur will almost always be the first to go check on kieran when he's having a bad night. which means lenny can focus on trying to get sean to process his feelings instead of just burying it again only to have a worse response the next time he's triggered by sounds in the night or reminders like news articles or a thick irish accent or a boy playing with his father (sometimes he sees isaac and arthur playing and just needs to walk away because fuck losing his da messed him up)

arthur is also the only one who kieran has actually told in detail what happened to him after he was taken from shady belle. this proceeded to become a vicarious trauma for arthur himself. while the nightmares never go away completely - in his waking hours kieran is a gremlin of dark humor and learns to cope pretty well. this means accidentally sending arthur into a thousand yard stare when he jokingly signs 'don't lose your head'

also regularly causing each other to have flashbacks/panic attacks does not stop kieran and sean being long-lost irish brothers. sean will make sure kieran gets his extra ketchup or mashed potato instead of fries or correct new timewarpers who dare call him o'driscoll. kieran will actively listening to sean's stories about his da with stars in his eyes and let sean vent about things that happened without a horrified reaction which sean finds a lot more helpful than talking about reform school only to need to comfort lenny instead.

[naranjapetrificada]

Izzy becomes a "real boy"

So obviously I haven't been able to shut up about the way Izzy has been written in season 2 and I stand by my disappointment and criticism, even knowing that the writers were given a herculean task of cramming 10 pounds of season into an 8 pound bag. Even knowing that, his "arc" such as it is has felt very off to a lot of people, present company included. I'm a cogitator at heart (thanks AuDHD!) and that can turn "make it make sense" into a prime directive sometimes. So here I am, trying once again.

I felt a particular way about Izzy after the end of season 1, which I would describe as "not especially strongly" because I primarily saw his character as a storytelling tool/useful foil more than anything else. But his presence and characterization in season 2 have been haunting me this time and not in a good way, because I've spent this season trying and failing to make it make sense. But something just occurred to me that I hope I can explain in a coherent way:

If season 1 Izzy was more a storytelling tool than anything else, maybe season 2 was an attempt to turn the puppet into a Real Boy. And if so, maybe things did not go as planned.

There are so, so many good posts going into the things that don't work about how Izzy has been handled this season, to the point that I'm not gonna try reinventing the wheel. Some of the reasons it hasn't worked for some of us include:

Much of his alleged growth apparently happening offscreen, most likely due to the reduced budget and episode count.

The lack of connective tissue between many of his scenes, some of which can be attributed to the previous point about corporate fuckery but other parts of which are hard to explain beyond "idk I guess the writers felt like it?"

The unfortunate connotations of sidelining nonwhite characters like Jim, who was the only character beyond the central pair to receive a detailed backstory, flashbacks, and a multi-episode character arc

The unchecked racialized comments he gets to drop about Edward (calling him a "wild dog" or seemingly mixing him up with Roach) that in season 1, would have resulted in violent retribution as a sign of the story's disapproval

The lines we get from Izzy that feel like they should have been said by other characters, and maybe that would have been based on the expectations of the show that we left season 1 with

The way it seems like Izzy's suffering is being used as a stand-in for actual moments of reflection or atonement, which is a pretty fucked up dynamic to set up as precursor to redemption

The way Izzy now gets to partake in the very behaviors he denigrated in Ed last season, which would be a cool and moving character beat if there was a single, solitary narrative acknowledgement in the harm caused by his treatment of Ed in s1e10. Ditto for him apparently just being cool with shit that once would have been his worst nightmare.

The fact that so many of these issues could have been addressed in a quick throwaway line or two that showed that the narrative understood what was wrong to reassure us all because by definition if a character is getting a redemption arc, it's because they did something wrong, right?

There's plenty more of course, but that's not why I made this post. I made this post because regardless of why the decision was made to handle Izzy this way this season, the attempt was made to flesh him out in ways that his role last season may not have been initially written for. Con's performance and certain production choices hinted at a depth to his character that may or may not have been on the page, but helped make for a pretty interesting season 1 antagonist.

For season 2 they decided to make Izzy a real boy, but the combination of a reduced budget, a lower episode count, and whatever creative darlings they couldn't seem to kill in order to give us more development of his transformation made sticking the landing impossible because we're lacking certain elements for basic comprehension.

Imagine you know almost nothing of the story of Pinocchio and someone starts up the Disney movie version of it for you but it's a weirdly edited version of it. There's no narration from Jiminy Cricket, mostly because there's no Jiminy Cricket at all. We see Geppetto crafting a wooden puppet, but not the part where he wishes for him to be a real boy, which makes it kinda weird to then see the part where the fairy brings him to life and says he can become a real boy but okay, let's go with it.

Now let's say the one thing you've always heard about the story is that Pinocchio's nose grows when he lies. So we get to the scene where he lies to the fairy but for whatever reason, his nose doesn't grow. No one comments on the inconsistency, and when you mention the nose thing all anyone wants to talk about is how great Pinocchio's nose looks.

Then Pinocchio goes to Pleasure Island and while the animation and acting seem great as usual, and the language of cinema appears to be setting up something dark on the horizon. Then Pinocchio's new friend Lampwick starts transforming into a donkey, this random well-dressed cricket shows up to admonish Pinocchio, and our puppet friend is randomly immune to the thing turning other kids into donkeys. No one comments on that either. Maybe Pinocchio even gloats about it a little, which seems like a weird storytelling decision that merits a follow up discussion later.

And I guess this is the part of this over-extended metaphor where you remember you have somewhere to be but you'll finish the film later, because as an audience we won't know how things shake out for season 2 Izzy until the finale. Presumably we'll still get the scene where he magically turns into a real boy, but there isn't exactly time for anything else like all that stuff with the whale. Maybe the real boy scene will happen, but for whatever reason the animator kept drawing him like the wooden puppet and every time you point it out no one will take you seriously.

Wouldn't that be a weird thing to experience?

[devieuls]

ˋ Let me Love you༄ ✾

Neteyam Sully x Na'vi Fem Reader < SERIES >

Warning of the Serie: MDNI. Dom Neteyam x Fem Na'vi Reader.

SMUT: Dirty Talk; Fangs; Bites; fingering; Blood; Spit; Jealousy and Possessiveness; Foreplay; violence; Swearing; Teasing; Unprotected Sex; betrayal; slut shaming; oral sex; dacryphilia; outdoorsex; jealousy BDSM.

ANGST: mention of suicide, toxic relationship, words inherent in death, sexual assault, self-harm, derealization, suffering, Requited / Unrequited love, prejudices, bullying and insults. and FLUFF. There will be flashbacks in this series

Aged characters: Neteyam 22 y.o / You 19 y.o.

Synopsis: In the darkest point of your life, swallowed by the abyss, you decide to put an end to your sufferings, seeking relief in the extreme act. Your life was an intricate dance between life and death, and when life decided to take leave and leave death alone in you, you got lost. And as if he had been sent by Eywa himself, a mysterious Na'vi, saves you from hitting bottom, sacrificing himself so you don’t give up. Becoming the light that shone in your darkness. He is the sun that faces your night, and you are the Moon, eternally distant from him.

He grabbed your hand and dragged you away, taking you to his village, a place of healing and hope where he will try to make you love life again, showing you the light you had long lost. Starting a journey of healing, to fight against your demons that tormented you relentlessly, to finally find happiness where you would never have bothered to find it.

Two fates crossed under the tacit protection of the Great Mother, to show that even two opposites can create something perfectly chaotic.

And what happens when night and day dance together, to the rhythm of the stars and waves of balance, eternal opposites that are inevitably attracted?

This is the story of how death falls in love with life; how the sun one day decided to save the moon and how darkness is not so dark if light can penetrate. But also a story of suffering and torment, where not everything is roses and flowers.

CHAPTER WARNING: Mention of suicide and slight violence.

Lenght : 7.6k

NA'VI WORDS: 'Ite: Daughter; 'Itan: Son; Tanhì: bioluminescent freckles; Txepvi: spark; Tspìngs: The austrapede; Uk: shadow

Tspangoe: I invented this, it means "Suicidal". It comes from "Tspang": Kill and "Oe": I/Me. I couldn’t find a word that came close, so I made it up; Olo'couple: The couple formed by Olo'eyktan and Tsahìk/Tsakarem ("Olo'" in Na'vi means "Clan").

TW: THE SERIES WILL BE FULL OF DELICATE TOPICS!

⇠ Previous chapter ✵ Next Chapter ⇢

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Chapter III: On again, Off again

Within minutes, that woman had managed to ruin the little thread that Neteyam had managed to wrap around you, to get you close to him. And now he seemed to have returned to the starting point, making him frustrated and angry with his companion who had been petty and disrespectful.

The days spent in the heart of Pandora, were frustrating and futile for your person who still harbored so much pent-up anger and disgust for the situation from which you could not get out.

The village of the Omatikaya clan stood as a living work of art, enveloped by the unparalleled beauty of the forest, but despite that you could not accept the people who lived there. You thought it was annoying, too joyful and quiet, in contrast to the deafening noises and voices you heard screaming and scratching your eardrums with an exasperating constant.

You felt like a stranger in your own world, a world you couldn’t understand, and couldn’t understand you. Surrounded by "familiar" faces that you could no longer recognize as a source of security, becoming your nightmare.

The village, with its bright colors and the vibrant sounds of flora and fauna, seemed to be a place made especially to open the doors of joy and harmony. And yet, for you, every glimpse of beauty that opened before your eyes seemed dark and dead, and when it wasn’t, you couldn’t help but feel disgusted and bitter.

The wounds were still fresh and burned with a deaf pain that constantly reminded you of your failure, < the nth > you thought. You had hoped that falling from that waterfall, the rushing waters would take away your suffering and wash away the emptiness that devoured you day after day since your skin had tasted that sour wind of 'freedom'. But fate, or maybe a divine whim of the Great Mother, had caused someone like Neteyam, stood between you and your desire to escape that agonizing hell called…life, making you again a victim of your own story.

And so, day after day, spent in that village, it was like an eternal dark night. It seemed to be the apotheosis of freedom and happiness that you put in your head when you decided to end it. So much so that you had retreated into self-destructive loneliness, hiding from the curious and compassionate looks of the clan, who knew you by the label of "Tspangoe" that their Tsakarem had attached to you. Their cheerful and carefree laughter, just like their joy, resounded in your ears like a cruel mockery, for every note of tranquility and harmony seemed to emphasize your sense of alienation.

On sleepless nights, the thunder of the waterfall echoed in your mind, a constant dreary melody that created noise in your memories. Your wounds kept burning, and time seemed to have no power over them. And because of that, it was only in the evening that you dared to venture out of the Tsahìk's marui, trying to silence that noise. When the shadows fell on the forest that welcomed the natural bioluminescence, and wrapped the village in a protective mantle where the Na'vi could go to silence and sleep. The darkness, your only friend, offered you a kind of shelter, a veil of anonymity behind which you could hide your fragility. Your pace was slow and unstable, as if every step was almost an unbearable fatigue or a walk on the burning embers, in a constant state of tension and agitation. No Ikran song or flower that you once loved could cheer your heart too heavy, and the spiritual bond with Eywa seemed an enormous unbridgeable distance.

You found peace, albeit for a very short time, in admiring the small similarities between your old clan and where you were. You admired the delicate weaves of the maruis, carefully woven by the skilful Omatikaya hands, which reflected the bioluminescent light of the flora, allowing you to rest your fragmented soul.

You walked on tiptoe, while your fingers gently touched the tissues of the houses, passing them to enter the night forest that almost seemed to call you. You felt like a poisoned flower that withered everything as you passed through the lush Omatikayan garden, unable to catch the light of that idyllic gloom. The wild forest could welcome a poisonous flower like you, understand it and grow it much more than the pure flowers of a clan not yours could do.

In the forest the voices in your head had shut down, giving you a break that let you breathe for relief. The lights of nature created like a path that took you almost unconsciously, while the rustle of leaves was the only noise, along with the sound of crickets and the breaths of animals, that guided you. You found yourself after an hour in front of the same waterfall that should have put a point in your life, and instead "it" preferred to give you a semicolon to start from.

You sat on the ground, far from the edge this time, crossing your legs, carrying them to your chest while your thoughts seemed to follow the flow of water. You wanted to cry, and you were, but no tears, in a silent, deafening noise that seemed to be pounding in your chest.

You looked at the dark horizon, dusted with stars dying to give life to others, while the great planet above you almost seemed to look at you with its eye, as if the Great Mother was looking at you that way.

"Go away." you whispered, noticing the presence behind you that seemed to hide from you. You knew exactly who it was, and you resented the idea of being monitored like a baby.

The shadow sighed before sitting beside you in silence, its scent crashing against your nostrils as the waves do against a cliff in full torment.

"You always say that, but I know you don’t want to be alone" the beads of his braids collided, creating a clink that frightened your thoughts, causing them to hide in your mind.

"Sure. 'Cause you know what I want. As always" you hissed with a tone too much acid, while the warm hand of Neteyam approached your face and carried some braids behind your ear, looking at you with sweet look.

"Sometimes. Your silence speaks more than you can think" he admitted as you hit his hand as you do with an annoying insect, making him smile.

"You’re annoying. You Omatikaya don’t sleep at this hour?" You snorted while you were rolling your eyes, not looking at him at all, just wanting him to leave.

"Yes, and that’s something you should have done. But since you are in the mood for long walks, I gladly accompany you" His voice was warm and comforting as he leaned against his elbows behind him, taking a long breath.

"I didn’t ask you." You spit with resentment as you took a long breath just like him, savoring the smell of the forest mixed with that sweet Neteyam, which seemed almost made of the same substance.

"But you didn’t forbid it." You turned to him, sighing, looking at him badly as he smiled softly, making you look down. You couldn’t watch him sour if he smiled at you so lovingly.

"Annoying." He laughed at your answer, happy that I had not answered him with insults or curses as you had done in the days before, where he tried to animate you or take you out of the marui.

"You know, I’m glad you’re out. A little less happy in the place where you decided to spend time, but still happy that you finally approach the world. is a big step" He encouraged you, as yet another puff came out of your lips, almost annoyed that he was interrupting that moment of silence.

"I will not throw myself off the cliff, don’t worry. Stubborn as you are you would go to recover me again." Your eyes were fixed on the ground before you, sad not to see the jewels you had stripped of, your only memory of the clan to which you belonged. You didn’t let Neteyam notice your eyes leaning down while you thought about it.

"I know, but it’s nice to have confirmation…" Neteyam paused, taking a short break where he seemed to be looking for words with which to continue the conversation.

At that moment a gust of wind hit your shoulders, bringing your braids to your face as you turned to understand where the wind came from. In front of you now was a majestic Ikran, with the wingspan totally flat as it seemed to land gracefully on the ground.

"Don’t look him in the eye, he’s… touchy," Neteyam advised as he stood up and approached the Banshee, stroking his chin and then his neck, as if to calm him down. You looked at him intrigued, his skin was emerald green, reflecting the light in a natural way, with yellow stripes and brown spots.

"'He'? Your Ikran?" you whispered as you stood up and approached to better observe the Banshee. In your clan it was not the custom to tame Ikran, so this was the first time you saw such a pure spirit so close to Eywa, being fascinated by it.

"Yeah, my Ikran. Uk, he’s a good boy, just a lil touchy." His voice sounded joyful as he spoke of his spiritual brother, caressing him with affection and care. You nod, keeping the distance between him and his Banshee, studying the animal.

You wouldn’t have touched it, the little respect you had left for religion and tradition Na'vi, denied yourself to dirty the skin of an animal sacred to Eywa. So you stayed on yours until Neteyam approached you from behind and took your hand, resting it on Uk’s cold skin, making you shudder. Your eyes quickly snapped on those of Neteyam, who kindly accompanied the movements of your hand, remaining behind you. You opened your mouth to talk and he shut you up.

"I told you. Your silence speaks, and so do your eyes. It’s probably the first time you’ve seen an Ikran so close, right?" Your eyes slightly turned away from the boy’s amber ones

"How y-" the words died in your mouth, as the warm air of Neteyam’s voice collided with your shoulder as he responded.

"Your eyes. They shone for a moment, they were golden and alive. They opened almost without you noticing, so I thought it was the first time"

You didn’t answer, and he understood. The tips of your fingers hesitated to continue contact with the soft but rough and resistant skin of the Banshee. Your eyes began to shine again as you felt almost washed by that mud that covered you, as if you were not soiling Uk, but that he was purifying you. As if the Great Mother was cleaning your hands gently

The warmth that emanated from the animal’s body enveloped you like a comforting blanket, making you feel safe and protected. Through your hand you felt like a deep connection with the Great Mother who was in all Pandora’s beings. Neteyam’s hand moved slightly on yours, silently encouraging you to further explore the skin of his Ikran.

Every curve, muscle, dip, and scars seemed to tell his story before and with Neteyam. You were amazed, although a whirlwind of emotions overwhelmed you: fear, admiration and peace merged together in a whirlwind of pleasant sensations that you have not felt for a long time. You ventured slowly towards the neck of the Ikran, where the skin seemed smoother and more delicate. When your fingers slipped on the surface, Uk closed his eyes and emitted a buzz of satisfaction, welcoming your delicate touch, leaning on it. Neteyam took a step back as he looked at you with a sweet smile, allowing you this moment.

The moment seemed to last an eternity, yet time seemed to fly away too much in slice. You felt connected somehow to the banshee, remembering your touch on your now deceased spiritual sister. You could feel it against your touch as you closed your eyes, leaning your head against its, and remembered. With a sigh of tacit gratitude, you turned to Neteyam, your eyes crossed in a silent understanding, as if you both shared a part of yourselves.

It was at that moment that Neteyam, approached with silent step. He saw the expression of pain and sadness on your face and understood the anguish that was gripping you. Without saying a word, he took your wrist gently but firmly, guiding you to his chest.

You found yourself squeezed against Neteyam’s warm chest, feeling his heartbeat in perfect sync with yours. Initially, you felt a slight resistance, but his reassuring presence enveloped you, allowing you to let go. His free hand wrapped itself behind your head, letting you vent and free from everything you held inside. Slowly, your tears began to flow hot against his chest, and a choked sob echoed into the night air. Neteyam placed your hand on his back, allowing you to hook yourself to something, while he wrapped you in a warm embrace, absorbing your pain as he cradled you.

"Shhh… You don’t always have to keep everything inside. I told you, I’ll be a partner to cry on if need be. I know you want to show yourself strong in this world that… I don’t know what it did to make you this way. But I’ll be there. To take offense from you or to welcome you into my arms if you need to vent. Give yourself a break from all this, txepvi." His voice, soft as the wind, whispered in your hair, encouraging you to let go of everything you had held for too long.

You clung to his back, fingers squeezing and scratching his soft skin as you indulged in your emotions. It took so little to make you overflow, not being able to bear to hold that boulder on your heart that hurt you. The pressure you had held for years was finally released, and as you wept on his chest, you felt light, as if a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulders

In the meantime, the Banshee slowly approached, brushing your naked back with his snout. It almost seemed to console you too, with an extraordinary empathy and a sense of silent understanding, as if the Great Mother wanted to participate and make you understand that you were not alone. Your tears continued to flow incessantly until you felt exhausted but also finally freer. You were finally given permission to deal with the pain and grief and emptiness that they left inside you.

You trembled in Neteyam’s strong arms as you slowly pulled yourself off with your head down, still feeling the warm and reassuring presence of his arms around you. You turned, trying to hide your fragility, rubbing the palms of your hands on your eyes, trying to erase the tears from your face. Your breath was still heavy, but you tried to regain your composure, looking up before taking a deep breath, turning again. Neteyam’s eyes were sweet and patient, understanding your gestures. You didn’t want to be weak, you didn’t want to show yourself so vulnerable.

With a thoughtful gesture, he gently stroked your face, removing the last traces of your tears, slightly lowering his gaze from your eyes, not wanting to make you feel weak.

"You don’t have to hide anything, y/n" his quiet voice. "Your emotions are precious, and I respect them deeply. It’s good to get rid of your weight"

You looked down, still feeling fragile but also grateful for his empathy.

"It’s just… I’m not used to… this." you barely admitted, gritting your teeth.

"I want you to know that you don’t have to face it alone." He looked for your gaze as his fingertips approached your elbow. He found support on your skin, glad you weren’t moving away from him.

"Your clan hates me, I will face it alone, and then I will leave," your voice turned bitter, your eyes dark again.

"You are not alone. You have me, and the village does not hate you… It does not know you. Let me help you, at least this time" He put two fingers under your chin, gently lifting it. "I’m not letting you go this time"

His words were comforting just like his eyes, and a sense of security and trust filled you. You sighed as your eyes softened again, failing to hide your emotions, not afraid to share them with the man before you. He smiled, nodding after understanding your gaze. He took your hand and kissed the back, making a small, almost princely bow.

"Thank you." He whispered as he pulled himself together and gave you a sweet smile, accompanying you to Uk. "Have you ever seen Pandora from above?" You looked at him not immediately understanding.

"Not… I have never ridden an Ikran. I have always seen this land from below. Why" Neteyam took you from your hips and approached you to his Ikran.

"I’ll take you up close to see the stars. Maybe we can take some of them and make you shine those amber pools again" He laughed as you snapped, and he was already pushing you up, making you cling to the saddle of the Ikran that moved, making you scream slightly. "This is new to me. You yelling was something I didn’t expect to hear"

You manage to mount the Ikran.

"Ma Eywa, you won’t let me go alone? and if it leaves? Neteyam! I swear to you, if I-" He laughed again, noting with pleasure your fear. It was a good thing that you were rediscovering fear, because until a few days ago you had thrown yourself without problems from a waterfall.

"I keep you. Uk is a good Ikran, I promise." He said as he found a place behind you, making you cling to the Banshee’s antennas while he connected the queue to Uk. One arm was tied around your waist, while one hand was resting on one of the antennae.

"No! Neteyam. Really-" You started, quite frightened, feeling the adrenaline flowing in you. You haven’t felt fear in a long time, and this was the first time he hit you so brazenly hard.

"Mawei, Uk. We have a scared co-pilot with us," he said teasing you, as you hit his thigh before screaming cursing when Uk fell off the cliff

"Neteyam!" You yelled again, because of the scaring and he leaned his head on your nape, holding back laughter.

The adrenaline rushed through your body as the ground disappeared beneath them. In free fall, with the wind whistling through your hair and your ears rustling. You grabbed the banshee’s antennas more firmly as you hoped that Neteyam’s hold was strong enough not to drop you. Your heart was pounding in your ears as everything seemed to be speeding in front of your eyes. It was as if the whole world was opening under you. You closed your eyes ready for impact with the earth, but Uk changed direction, opening his wings majestically, going up to the sky. A little cry of melted from your mouth, while you kept your eyes still closed.

"Y/n… Open your eyes." He whispered in your ear, gently hitting your side. You opened your eyes and found yourself surrounded by the vastness of the sky around you. "Forgive Uk, he loves to get adrenaline before taking off the flight, I forgot to tell you" his voice was playful, but he smiled while enjoying your reaction. He slightly moved the antenna and the Ikran tacked gracefully, starting to glide through the clouds.

"Woah…" you whispered, starting to relax a bit, letting yourself be carried away by the enchantment of the flight.

The mountains, the rivers, the waterfalls and the forest all flowed beneath you. Your eyes were amazed at what you were admiring. Pandora from above was charming seen from above, the beauty that you had so denied to see, now appeared before your eyes.

"Breathtaking, isn’t it?" he said as he felt your body relax.

The forest stretched in a green expanse, dotted here and there with sparkling bodies of water, and bioluminescence helped to find the idyllic panorama. Your heart was now beating with emotion, lifting your head and seeing the stars almost closer, you caressed the low clouds and turned to Neteyam.

"And you live this every day?" He smiled nodding, he would have given anything to see you smile and almost damned himself for putting you in front of him, depriving himself of that moment that he could see again who knows when.

"Every time I’m with Uk. And I’ll never get tired of this sight" you smiled slightly as you looked around. The forest looked like a miniature painting of something near paradise. Now you could give a figurative image to the word 'peace'.

The night breeze that collided between your braids, the clouds that broke at the touch of the Ikran and Pandora that seemed to breathe at night thanks to the games of light bioluminescent. The night carols and the hand of Neteyam who didn’t seem to let you go by accident. His scent wrapped you stronger than his arm could make and the warm skin of his chest against your skin. This was the closest you could hope for.

As Neteyam looked at you from behind, smiling as he saw you looser and almost happy? honored to have been the first to give you this experience. He would have wanted to talk, add something, but the moment was so fragile and perfect that he would not have added words. Limited himself to holding you in his arms a little longer, taking care of the hidden inner-child that was in you.

When you finally decided to return to the mainland, the Ikran made a soft and safe landing in the forest near Omatikaya village. Neteyam came down first, and then offered his hand to bring you down. You slipped, not taking the side of the saddle because of a sudden movement of Uk. You found yourself falling into the strong arms of Neteyam that caught you, even though he went out of balance and you both fell to the ground. Your breast was pressed against Neteyam’s chest as your noses grazed, just like your mouths.

You remained in that position until you blushed slightly, getting up from the ground, settling the loincloth, while Neteyam did the same, dusting away the earth on his body and loinclot, before passing a hand between the braids.

Uk looked you to the side, before snapping his head and shaking his wings taking flight and returning to the forest to go to rest. Neteyam contracted his jaw, knowing that because of the spiritual bond, Uk could feel his feelings slightly and act accordingly. Linking your fall to his movement.

"Umh… well" you began, stepping back for no reason. "I…" you said together, only to have the precedence ceded by Neteyam with a wave of the hand.

"Thank you… It was…incredible" you whispered. You didn’t understand why you found yourself so clumsy, carrying some braids behind your ear, breathing deeply.

"You are very welcome. I did it w-with pleasure… umh-" he approached, but you stepped back gently before pointing your thumb at the village behind you.

"It’s… It's late. I have to go back to the marui and you to the marui with… Tsu'Län" You turned your head, ready to leave, glad you hadn’t stuttered or seemed touched by the situation.

"We have separated marui" he replied almost instinctively and promptly, and then reassembled and cleared his throat. "B-But, yes… it’s late. You should rest, you’re still recovering"

"Actually, I’m feeling better. Tsahìk said so" Neteyam’s eyes lit up at the news, his tail almost wagging, before being caught and stopped by his hand

"Good. I-It’s good that you’re okay, I mean, it’s cool. No." he started, starting to fit words by words into the sentence. "That is. Yes. Go rest." Neteyam took two fingers to his temples, massaging them, trying to pull himself together.

"Good night Neteyam" you turned, hiding a smile for his behaviour, as you walked towards the Tsahìk marui, weighed down by the steps, still slightly sore.

"Goodnight… Goodnight Y/n!" he yelled softly before turning down the tone and watching you leave.

Returning to the village you felt different from when you left. You could feel a sense of lightness and tranquility in your mind, almost happy to have spent time with Neteyam alone. You appreciated his character more when no Na'vi surrounded you, you were more spontaneous away from everyone.

A light breeze caressed the marui, as you went back into the tent and laid on the soft carpet, while the tips of your fingers caressed the soft texture. Your heart was still beating inexplicably strong for the emotion you felt during the evening spent with Neteyam, but now, in the tranquility of your solitude. You could indulge in a real smile and a slight laugh that you had not heard for a long time.

As you turn around on the carpet, looking for a comfortable position, the fresh memories of Neteyam’s laughter and smiles, his touch on your skin, the flight through the starry sky and that moment of shared fragility, all danced in your mind, keeping away the thoughts and voices that tormented you, as if it were a play of lights and shadows. You found comfortable position to sleep where you could look at the village outside the entrance of the tent, finding the clan, first gray and tasteless, now slightly more colorful and cozy thanks to the presence of Neteyam. Your eyes closed slowly, while your heart was still at the mercy of those feelings. Sleep quickly enveloped you, the negative thoughts that had so tormented your mind seemed to slip away for a moment, in silence, leaving room for soft dreams for once.

The sound of the forest, with its birdsong and nature noises, seemed more intense and contradictory that morning, despite not finding it as annoying as other times. You could hear the whisper of the leaves of the trees, almost as if nature was watching you carefully, trying to understand your role in this context. You opened your eyes, feeling watched, and found not far from you a na'vi that you had never seen. She had two small braids on the sides of her face and short straight hair, unusual eyebrows and you immediately noticed the presence of an extra finger by the hand, because of her playing with some fruit in a basket. She observed you in silence, studying you with interest, but her presence was almost white, quiet. As if her person were pure positive energy

You sat on the carpet, sighing as you passed a hand through the now-defunct braids, watching the girl, waiting for her to speak first.

"I see now why Tsu'Län doesn’t like you," she said, amused, her voice calm and gentle as Neteyam’s. Your nose pinched because of her words

"If you’re friends with that Skxawng, you can walk away," you huffed as you looked badly at her, thinning your eyes.

"Friend? Of that Tsakarem who doesn’t even know where Eywa lives? I feel offended" the na'vi laughed as your eyes slightly softened. "I said. She doesn’t like you because you’re obviously prettier than her. She’s always jealous of the other women who hang out with my brother."

"Your brother?" You raised an eyebrow while still looking skeptical to her.

"Mhmh, Neteyam. Is a tall dude, lots of muscles, future Olo'eyktan, a bit annoying, stupid but nice… sometimes. Especially intrusive… in the bad sense of the word, I’m not kidding. You know, right?" her voice was playful, yet sympathetic. You let your guard down, finding her almost sweet, someone who wouldn’t hurt you, not for the vibes she gave you.

"I know" you suppressed a small smile, turning your face to the side, hoping to seem indifferent.

"He sent me here and said we’d make friends. I’m probably one of the few not to listen to the rumors that Tsu'Län makes up… like you’re a tspangoe and blah blahblah, the usual bullshit she makes up" She said as she took a basket with some fruits she had picked up for you, laying them on the ground, near you.

You looked down before clenching your jaw. "I am." You admitted bitterly.

Kiri remained silent for a second and you thought that she would definitely leave without speaking to you, as any Na'vi from the village would have done, but she approached and handed you a yovo fruit.

"Here, this is my favorite fruit, Neteyam's too. These are his but he told me to bring them to you" you looked at her and didn’t see why she kept being nice to you. She put the fruit in your hand, and then leaned against the curtain wall next to you. "I don’t really care if you are. Neteyam cares about you, and if he cares about you, it’s because you’re a good person. Then so will I. Tspangoe or not. Who are we to judge you? The Great Mother should be the only one to do it, and if she kept you here, it is because you are simply na'vi like me and like all of them" she smiled before taking a fruit herself and eating next to you.

Outside the tent, Omatikaya village was already in full swing. The cheerful and familiar voices of the clan members were clearly heard. The rustle of the leaves, the movement of the Na'vi among the houses suspended among the trees, and their exchanges of greetings seemed to wrap you, but at the same time, you felt excluded from that social fabric.

"Anyway, I’m Kiri" she said when she noticed your gaze pointing out of the tent, watching the Na'vi coming and going outside. You turned your face towards her and nodded slightly. She held her fingers to her forehead and greeted you with a sweet smile, you counter the gesture later.

"Y/n" you answered before you took a bite of the Yovo fruit and sat down. Your gaze returned to the entrance of the door, hoping to see Neteyam like every morning since he had saved you and dragged you into his clan.

"Do you like my brother?" she asked casually, realizing that I was waiting for someone, logically, she doubted that you were waiting for Mo'at, so the only option was her brother.

"Wait. What?! No." you answered automatically, turning to her, almost disgusted with the question.

She laughed at your reaction and then nodded, noticing the slight redness on your cheeks. "Got it. It’s not that bad if you like him. Yeah, it’s kind of boring and repetitive and heavy and all, but he’s not that bad. So if-"

"He has a mate." You answered dryly, continuing to eat, trying to remain indifferent

"A companion" she corrected you. "who hasn’t made him feel anything for a long time now" Kiri admitted shrugging, drawing your attention. She smiled slightly as you looked at her, strangely interested, perhaps too interested. "Let’s say she’s very heavy with him. You’ve seen him, they’re not a functional couple"

"It’s your Tsakarem," your eyes collided with the girl’s amber eyes, leaning your head to the side as you watched. As much as you disliked the woman beside Neteyam, she was still a respected figure in the clans.

"No, it is the Tsakarem of Omatikaya, but everyone knows that she's not suitable. Mo'at is the most aware of all and my mother, the current Tsakarem, is also sure of it"

You swallow slightly, then shrug and eat again, hoping to seem indifferent to the dynamics between Neteyam and his partner. So why did those words seem to strike you in the mind to make an impression? You sighed slightly and Kiri watched you for a few moments. She suspected that her brother had some sort of "something" on you, both by the way he defended you to the sword but also by how he skipped training and commitments to go to the tent where you were to bring you food or just make you company disturb you.

Since you arrived, he was a little more radiant than usual, albeit more stressed out because of Tsu'Län’s jealous and rather toxic behavior. Kiri liked that you brought a little lightness to Neteyam’s life, in your own little way, so she liked you even before she met you.

"If she were not worthy, she would not be your Tsakarem. If the Tsahìk and the actual Tsakarem would not have allowed her to continue. Being Tsakarem is not something that everyone can do, it is not like the Olo'eyktan." your voice resonated with interest, and Kiri didn’t point it out, appreciating your spontaneity.

"Tsu'Län just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She’s everything a Tsakarem shouldn’t be, you know. Starting from the principle of spreading rumors of true or false things about a newly arrived person, just out of jealousy. The clan only hails her for her lineage and her appearance as a good future leader. Neteyam only tolerates it for forces of things, and you can tell. But you don’t care, so we’ll change the subject, yes?" She smiled and you looked at her bitterly. You wanted to hear more, what was wrong with Neteyam and his partner. But you knew you couldn’t afford to fall for someone you’d leave behind in the near future.

You nodded silently and then watched her get up and extend her hand to you.

"I bring you to know the village and my siblings. They’re curious to meet you too. I’m sure you’ll get along with Lo'ak, he’s a guy… well. You might like him if you don’t mind the weird stuff."

Before you could even think to answer, Kiri already had your wrist wrapped around her hand, walking and taking you out. Your heart started pounding in your chest as you came out of the Tsahik’s marui, feeling awkward and almost vulnerable as you stepped on the ground in daylight. The days spent in the marui had kept you away from the looks and judgments of the villagers, and you were almost happy in your small, not facing the problem. You accepted that they would call you "Tspangoe" behind your back, but now that you were facing them, exposed to the light of day and their curious but wary looks, you felt more fragile than you would have thought.

You kept your eyes high and fixed on Kiri’s back as you followed her as the na'vi almost seemed to move away from you, as if you were something dangerous and poisonous to watch out for, a palulukan that had infiltrated a place it didn’t belong.

As you were dragged through the village, you noticed that many avoided your gaze or lowered it in disgust and disapproval. Others exchanged looks almost of pity, while you just wanted to be a passing shadow.

You heard a little na'vi asking her mother "Sa'nu, 'upe Tspangoe ral?" (-Mother what does 'Tspangoe' means?-) before being taken away and silenced, you clenched your teeth, ignoring. The words of the people resounded in your ears, hitting you like arrows thrown at the sky, trying to stay strong and walk.

Pandora’s sun made its warm presence felt on your skin when you heard a soft laugh that your mind had archived all too well. The rays filtered the green of the leaves, some of which were blown away by the wind, causing you to stay still for a few seconds. Even though he had his back, you recognized his braids and the feathers behind his ears and some beads, the back that you had scratched the night before, his cummerbund and the armband, even if it was his laughter that was more recognizable.

Kiri pulled your wrist slightly, starting the time again, while the figure of Neteyam was away and Kiri smiled warmly before returning you to walk, without ever leaving the grip on you, almost comforting you from the sour looks of his clan. You clung to his smile and the scent of Neteyam to close yourself to seeing the village beyond the people.

The maruis stood majestically around you, made of the same coriaceous material that you saw at night, but that by day seemed to be protagonists that blended more with the flamboyant nature. Neutral colors blended perfectly with nature, as your gaze fell to the totems in the center of the village, where the interwoven decorative elements seemed to tell ancient stories and a deep connection between Eywa'eveng and the clan.

The village seemed to return to their duties and the sound they created seemed a natural symphony of a flute: the melodious song of the birds, the wind blowing through the leaves, the slight rustle of the flowers that hatch while the laughter of children and the voices of adults almost seemed pleasant to you.

After spending time exploring the village with Kiri and almost getting used to the atmosphere of the clan, she led you to the marui where she lived with her family. As you approached, you could recognize that it was the marui of the Olo'eyktan because of its majestic grandeur and how it seemed to stand out more under the golden rays of the morning. You could feel something like nervousness at the thought of meeting Toruk Makto and his family.

Kiri gently pushed the curtain into place, inviting you to enter with gentle eyes. The interior of the marui was cozy and carefully decorated, with some natural and tribal objects. There was a sense of warmth wrapped around your skin, and you felt almost less tense.

Your gaze was immediately captured by a young girl, who had no more than twelve years for the appearance. Big golden eyes shining like dew drops at dawn, a warm and almost shy smile as he approached curiously.

"Tuk, she’s…" Kiri began, before being stopped by the girl’s sparkling voice.

"The newcomer, right?" she asked, looking softly, as she held a hand to her forehead and addressed it to you as a greeting. You were almost surprised, for you did not expect such a greeting. "I am Tuktirey te Suli Neytiri'ite, the youngest daughter of the Sullys, it is a pleasure to meet you…" she waited for your answer.

"Y/n" you returned the greeting and she smiled again as she looked at you, peering at your clothes that looked now old and off.

Tuk was dressed as the worthy daughter of an Olo'eyktan and a Tsakarem. The braided top was reminiscent of the roots of a tree, while some yellowish feathers were set between the various threads, covering the breast, while the fabric had some beads of conjunction that seemed almost mixed with her tanhì. The loincloth was made in the same way as the top, only with a more intertwined shape to allow greater coverage, shorter on the sides and longer in the center, climbing thanks to the skilful weaves. In her hair she had the same feathers used in her clothes.

She noticed your look and smiled at you again. "I’m one of the weavers of the clan. If you like, I’d like to make some new clothes for you. I’m sure you’d fit in better with our clan, starting to wear clothes like mine or Kiri’s" she kindly offered and you nodded.

"I would love to, thank you," before you could finish the sentence, you suddenly felt pushed forward by something, almost unbalanced yourself. When you turned to face the person who came at you, you noticed the annoyed face of a tall Na'vi, it was different from the na'vi you had always seen. He looked like Kiri in some ways, both in his thick eyebrows and the fifth finger you noticed when he nervously passed his hands on his face.

"Damn it, Kiri! you can get out of the fucking way…" He started growling annoyed, before to lose his words when he noticed you.

You loomed the highest Na'vi, expecting an apology as you stood up and dusted your shoulder, puffing. "I’m… I'm sorry, I-I thought..." His eyes lingered over your figure for a few seconds, before lowering slightly his gaze, embarrassed by the situation.

"Lo'ak, since when do you think? This is new in the family" Kiri teased him, being supported by Tuk’s laughter, while the guy in front of you growled slightly, ignoring the sisters.

"I’m sorry, I thought you were my sister" you rolled your eyes, sighing at his words. "I’m Lo'ak" he also greeted you as usual, bending over as he offered his greetings. You return the greeting after a few seconds where you were deciding whether to do it or not, and then introduce yourself.

"Is Lo'ak blushing?" Tuk whispered to Kiri, not whispering too much. The older sister laughed slightly, looking at Lo'ak’s cheeks

"He’s definitely blushing" She teased him, before she was struck by the look of Lo'ak, who passed a hand between the braids before turning and walking towards the sisters.

"Ma Eywa, you're like two Tspìngs before their first cycle" he growled before overcoming them and being stopped by a tall woman, albeit slightly lower than Lo'ak.

She had long black braids, small and narrow, decorated with cerulean and green beads, had behind her ear feathers similar to those of Neteyam, and around her neck a choker necklace made of small feathers and beads woven with skill, so much so that it seemed to merge with her skin. The top resembled that of Tuk, although the weaves were much wider and more geometric, with some feathers; while the loincloth wrapped her hips and fell with an almost precious fabric to the eye. Her eyes seemed tired but definitely loving as she looked at Lo'ak and kept her hands on his shoulders.

"Ma'itan, apologize to your sisters." The warm and understanding voice made its way in the short silence.

You were almost amazed that that woman was their mother. Lo'ak opened his mouth as if to fight back but after a look, he sighed and apologized to both Tuk and Kiri, before leaving, giving you a last look. The mother smiled as she watched the boy come out and puff, happy that despite everything, he had satisfied her request.

Her eyes moved from her son to you, her presence was as strong as her amber gaze that peered at you in silence. Her gait was nothing short of regal as she approached with the grace typical of a warrior, her sure and light footsteps. It almost seemed that with that look she was reading your soul, accustomed to doing so because of the role she held in the clan. Reading between the lines expressions and movements, understanding them. You restrain the breath when his hand was placed under your chin, raising your face to look into your eyes, and a short moment of silence wrapped the marui, leaving in silence also the two daughters.

Neytiri didn’t judge you precipitously, not even when they heard you named "The Tspangoe". She was aware of the rumors and prejudices about you, and she knew you knew. In those moments as she looked into your eyes, she tried to perceive the emotions within you, capturing the character of your soul. And in that now extinguished pool, she could understand that a great pain fed on you, the same that fed on her when she lost her father, the Ikran and her sister, only darker and deeper. Your well was the increased reflection of what she was.

Neytiri’s past experiences had made her tolerant and compassionate, able to welcome even those who seemed on a point of no return, understanding their pain, trying to guide them towards serenity. This was the role of a wise Tsakarem. But you felt studied, still at fault and almost frightened by her figure.

Then, with a kind but firm smile, he stood before you. Tsakarem cupped her hands under her face, beginning to speak in a warm, reassuring voice.

"Oel ngati kameie, ma 'ite" You felt a bite in your throat for what she called you. For a few seconds you saw in that woman your mother, unconsciously leaning to her warm touch. "I am Neytiri te Tskaha Mo'at'ite, the present Tsakarem of this clan. Neteyam told me a lot about you, I’m glad to see you standing, ma 'ite" her smile warmed your heart, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth, almost feeling guilty for thinking that all the people of this clan were disgusting and annoying.

"O-Oel ngati kameie" you replied voiceless in a sweet tone, as Neytiri let go of your face, and you let out a sigh. Her hands were as soft and warm as your mother’s and her enveloping and familiar presence.

"Welcome to our clan, I hope you’ll find your place here" you looked around, expecting to find the Olo'eyktan of the clan, without even seeing the shadow. Neytiri noticed your lost look. "Are you looking for Neteyam? He’s-" you stopped her before she could finish the sentence.

"No!" your voice sounds strangely ringing, and you clear your throat. "Actually, I thought…" Neytiri nodded, realizing who you were hinting at.

"Olo'eyktan is not here now, you will meet him later. He too has heard a lot about you"

You nodded and looked down. You knew that in the Olo'couple there was the strong and the most accommodating part, and if Neytiri was the sweet part, surely the Toruk Makto would have been a bitter bite to digest.

His story was known in all the clans, his figure was something legendary and very present in all songs.

You knew he was a strong leader, a man who most of all had earned his place among the people, someone strong and determined. Your clan admired him and that was why the Olo'eyktan and Tsahìk were more than happy to be their allies, knowing that they would be protected by the great and strong wings of Toruk and the Olo'eyktan that had managed to tame him. You were nervous to face him, because you knew that such a figure would never accept a Tspangoe, not when his ideals were so strong and known.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Notes:

Terribly late, but I made the chapter longer than usual, so appreciate. Finally some nice things for Y/N.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I loved writing it, also because I also left some "easter Eggs" to let you understand some things of the story. I’m going to leave a lot of them in the show, because I don’t enjoy making things clear, it’s too easy and not very funny.

Anyway, have a good day, ma Syulang &lt;3

- Mel

TAGLIST: @riatesullironalite @shadowmoonlight0604 @neteyamtanhi @vanitaslvr

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.　　　　　 . ✦　　　 　˚　　　　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　　　.   　　˚　　 　　*　　 　　✦　　　.　　.　　　✦　˚ 　

[whumpily-ever-after]

Circle: Two Worlds Connected Whump List

Summary: A show told in two parts, one in 2017 and the other in 2037. In 2017, Kim Woo Jin and his twin brother Beom Gyun are on different paths. Woo Jin is a dedicated college student, while his brother is determined to find the alien who disappeared with their father when they were young. Even with those differences, the brothers are close and determined to protect each other as the only family they have. But when students begin dying, the two are thrown into a mystery that threatens their lives. In 2037, people’s emotions are controlled by a chip in their necks, but not everyone believes in the goodness of this invention. A detective, Kim Joon Hyuk, is determined to discover the secrets of the past and the true motives of those controlling the chips.

Genre: Thriller, mystery, sci-fi

Country: South Korea

Year: 2017

Watch it on: Tubi

Warning: Some cases in this show deal with su*cide.

Spoilers ahead...

Whumpee: Kim Woo Jin played by Yeo Jin Goo

Episode 1: Pushed against a wall | crying, concerned for his brother

Episode 2: None

Episode 3: Grabbed by his jacket, punched in the face, in a fight, worried about his missing brother, cut on his cheek, blood on corner of mouth

Episode 4: None

Episode 5: Concerned for his brother, emotional

Episode 6: Crying

Episode 7: Gun pointed at his head, forced to walk, gun pointed at his back, scared

Episode 8: Scared, grabbed by the shoulders, told he has to find something or his brother will suffer | crying | scratched on the face, upset after an encounter with his grandma with dementia | punched in the face, hit in the back, kicked in the stomach, falls to the ground, grunting in pain, forced to stand, punched in the face, falls to the ground, coughing, punched in the face, kicked repeatedly, blood on his face, finds his brother, crying

Episode 9: Face covered in blood, crying, holding his brother in his arms

Episode 10: Crying

Episode 11: Grabbed by his shirt, choked, coughing, betrayed | manhandled | chased, gun pointed at his forehead, forced to his knees, held in place, chased, hit by a car, wakes up in a locked room | (2017) in the hospital, oxygen mask, doctor says his organs are failing | (2037) learns he is a clone

Episode 12: Manhandled | thrown into a room, taunted, told he was abandoned | manhandled, forced to his knees, gun pointed at his head

Whumpee: Kim Beom Gyun played by Ahn Woo Yeon

Episode 1: Worries he might be crazy, emotional

Episode 2: In the hospital, injured leg, scrape on his face

Episode 3: Locked in a room in an abandoned building

Episode 4: Locked in a room, struggling against someone trying to drug him, hair grabbed, drugged, passes out

Episode 5: Manhandled | forcibly taken away in the back of an ambulance, bloody hand

Episode 6:  Locked in a room, grabbing his head in pain, bleeding from his nose

Episode 7: Grabbing his head in pain, bleeding from the nose, scared, grabbing his head, knocked into a wall, falls to the floor, unconscious | (flashback) tied to a chair (rope)

Episode 8: None

Episode 9: Held in his brother’s arms, blood on his face, helped to walk, on a stretcher | losing his memories

Episode 10: Given a sedative, nearly kidnapped

Episode 11: Has a seizure | in the hospital, shocked, given CPR | has surgery

Episode 12: None

Whumpee: Kim Joon Hyuk played by Kim Kang Woo

Episode 1: None

Episode 2: Hand on his head, groaning in pain, painful flashes of memory

Episode 3: Nightmare, holding his head | punched in the face, blood on his lip | emotional, says he has no memory of who he is

Episode 4: Emotional | crying

Episode 5: Crying

Episode 6: At gunpoint, shot with a dart, dizzy, falls to the floor, unconscious, dragged away, carried on someone’s back, nearly has a chip implanted in his neck, rescued

Episode 7: Emotional | crying

Episode 8: At gunpoint

Episode 9: Told his brother is still alive, in a fight, chased | told his brother was killed

Episode 10: Crying | at gunpoint, held against a wall, locked in a room

Episode 11: Reunited with his brother, emotional, pain in his head, flash of memory | learns his brother is a clone | crying

Episode 12: None

Whumpee: Lee Ho Soo played by Lee Gi Kwang

Episode 1: None

Episode 2: In a chokehold

Episode 3: Grunting in pain, hand on his forehead, stumbling, grunting in pain, hand on his forehead, breathing heavily | stumbling, using a wall to hold himself up, hand on his forehead, bleeding from his nose, scared | pushed against a wall, emotional

Episode 4: Emotional

Episode 5: At gunpoint, hold his head in pain | bleeding from his nose

Episode 6: Pain in his head, shaking, memories returning

Episodes 7-9: None

Episode 10: Pushed against a car, manhandled | single tear, forced to sit

Episodes 11-12: None

[alpaca-clouds]

Let me use Astarion as an excuse to talk about CPTSD

You know what? I think this might be a good moment to talk about CPTSD and how Astarion really is a textbook example of someone with CPTSD (though it is very likely that basically our entire main cast of characters in BG3 is suffering from it to some degree, they just are less textbook in their presentation).

Let me start with a simple question: What is CPTSD?

CPTSD is the shortened version of Complex PTSD, or rather Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So, to dumb it down: It is like CPTSD, but it sucks a lot more.

While normally PTSD is caused by one traumatic event (like having a car accident, seeing a loved one die, being subjected to random violence at some point), while CPTSD is caused by a traumatic situation that goes on for a while or repeats several times. In the western world, we see a lot of CPTSD in survivors of parental abuse or intimate partner abuse. Aka, traumatic situations that went on for a longer while. You will also find CPTSD in some people from marginalized groups, as the traumatic situation of discrimination is constantly repeating. And of course you will find it in survivors of war or similar ongoing events.

PTSD will often lead to having triggers related to the trauma, showing avoidance behavior towards possibly triggering situations. It might also lead to flashbacks, nightmares, and a raised awareness/carefulness, often especially regarding relations with other people (though this might depend on the traumatic event it stems from).

CPTSD will have all of that, but often in more complex ways (as a longer experience will allow for complex triggers to develop - and a lot more situa´tions to become triggers as well), but it will also lead to a difficulty to regulate emotions, a general mistrust towards other people, inability to have healthy relationships, prolonged moments of dissociations, a generally negative perception of the world and events, feelings of worthlessness and internalized shame.

It should also be noted that in many cases the symptoms of CPTSD only start showing, once the traumatized person is removed from the traumatizing situation.

Neurally the reason for CPTSD is basically, that the nervous system is put into a prolonged survival mode. Which is also why the symptoms often trigger after the survivor is removed trauma inducing situation.

And, oh look, it is Astarion lol

Looking at the character from this perspetive, you really see pretty much all the symptoms in him.

Does he struggle with regulating his emotions? Fuck yeah, he does. He tries to regulate them, but he very often fails at it.

Does he get triggered by some situations? Yeah, it does. (You get that especially when you play his origin.)

He is super mistrustful towards other people - which is also why he does not intermingle with other people that much.

His view of most things as negative is also fairly clear - I also would argue that his "let's kill some puppies and kittens" behavior is also very closely connected to this.

And that he struggles with feelings of worthlessness and shame is again something that is found in the text.

He really is a very textbook example of CPTSD, which also brings me back to what I already talked about this week: Both CPTSD and PTSD will permanently change the nervous system. Which as far as we know will never quite go away. (Like, not to be a nerd, but there has been some recent research, that has shown that certain medication might permanently eleviate some symptoms - but not heal it totally.) It is basically scars from a nervous injury, if you wanna think of it like that.

You can however learn to live with the symptoms and learn techniques to regulate them. If you have read any of my Tavstarion stories (like this one), I bring some of those techniques into that. Stuff like breathing techniques or techniques to get your brain out of a flashback spiral (like consciously perceiving your surroundings). But to learn to deal with it, you also need to confront the trauma, which is probably the hardest thing to get Astarion to do, because he seems to be very avoidant. Like, his entire "I need to ascend" thingie is all avoidant behavior. Basically, he wants all that power that comes with ascending to prevent him from ever ending up in a situation that would be in any way similar to his trauma again.

But even if he does not ascend, there is a good chance he will still show a lot of avoidant behavior in the future.

When I write him, there is a reason that I do not have him leave home for a good seven months outside of what he has to do (like feeding). Which is very typical avoidant behavior.

The thing is that often trauma and especially CPTSD is not always the very big reactions - though those might be there too - but a lot of those more muted things. Avoiding going outside. Avoiding new situations. Being just a bit anxious. Feeling that nice things are done with bad intentions. Things like that.

Just, you know... A heads up.

[kurisus]

Noragami: Final Chapter thoughts

For the last time :') I've been making these for roughly half the manga's runtime, both in chapter count and years. Which is wild to think, but anyway, spoilers under the cut. One final time.

I really spent the first half of this chapter with bated breath alternating between being relieved that Hiyori is okay and grew up to be a doctor and everything, and stressed about where Yato was and where her memories were. Then Yato showed up, and I think I burst into tears out of hysterics. They really got me, I thought he was gone.

That aside, it was an excellent chapter. I was right when I said that this would just be an epilogue and the true suffering was over, but god. god. I'm relieved they gave me that open ending and the chapter was mostly good old-fashioned Noragami silliness. With the expected gut punches.

It's probably a good thing that Yuka never got to reunite with her brother, but at least knows that he's resting in peace. That he was given a proper burial by someone who, at the time, barely knew him but wanted to make things right anyway. Great now I'm crying again.

Hiyori's pocket with the little capyper keychain she bought forever ago. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Yato's CPR being so intense it cracked Hiyori's ribs. god he was so desperate to save her. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

HER TOUCHING HER LIPS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Fujisaki getting nostalgic seeing tall grass (as we know from the omake is called kaya) was weirdly touching. Though Father has faded, Kaya is the one that is still remembered. We never got to learn his real name, and while I am still curious about it, I can see the purpose--by not knowing his name, we the readers don't give him a lifeline.

That's not the only fourth wall lean in the final chapter. There was also Yato being able to save himself by becoming a meme, much like how the fandom and Adachitoka have memed on him for years as well.

Back to the chapter, it looks like Father's consciousness had always been lurking alongside Fujisaki's, maybe making him do things from time to time, which is really weird and creepy. Maybe he was dormant until the Yomi arc, but either way he's been doing this to a dozen other guys over the centuries. I'm glad the cycle was broken.

It's hilarious that Fujisaki tries to ask Hiyori out and she's just like haha not interested coo phone be upon ye.

I'm so glad the cherry blossom party has become an annual tradition with even more gods invited to the party. I'm also so glad that Yato refuses to release Kazuma and Bishamon apparently makes it a point to bully him about this whenever she sees him. But also, Kazuma doesn't seem to want to be released. He's just like yeah whatever man I'm glad you saved us. Cheers.

Side note, Kazuma's new glasses look a lot like the ones he was wearing in that 100 years ago flashback of him and Bishamon, around chapter 68 or 69 I think?

So we also get to see the aftermath of what happened to Yukine--he still transforms into a wolf every now and then, because much like how Nora transforms into a snakelike creature whenever she loses control of her emotions, his form is a wolf, and unlike Nora he's always been very emotional. So the nightmares come out and Yato's left with a giant wolf thrashing around in their shared living space lol, but at least his dad is there to hug him :')

WAIT STOP PAUSE EVERYTHING IT LOOKS LIKE THEY SHARE A BED NOW. I JUST COLLAPSED INTO A BALL.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

The panel of Yato hugging him made me lose it again. THEY'RE SOOOOOOOO.

So we never did get to find out what happened to Yukine's father--but as I pointed out in the reread I did during December, I don't think it matters. Yukine wasn't going to exact revenge on him anyway because he's not the kind of person to do so.

The page of Nora reading Hiyori's diary also made me so sad. Hiyori's right--she probably did have parents who loved her, but she never got to meet them. One thing I noticed throughout this manga is shinki habitually chasing something relating to their pasts. Yukine craves a good relationship with a father figure, Kazuma is obsessed with Bishamon because he missed out on marrying a girl he loved, Daikoku acts like a dad to every child he meets because he died before having his own kids, and like Yukine, Hiiro craves the parental love she never had. And as Hiyori pointed out, being given a name by Father was like being given life.

Since we didn't get to see what became of her name situation, but Yukine still bears the Hagusa name, she must still have Mizuchi. If her master is gone, can she still draw borderlines? Does she hang around with Yato and Yukine still? Adachitoka didn't say Kofuku DIDN'T name her, so...

The way Hiyori remembered Yato because of his scent had me SOBBING, yall. She didn't forget, but she did solve her problem and it was solved by people, just like they've been saying throughout the manga. But now, they can be together again. Yato was away from her for some years, and maybe he'll leave for several more (it's been a repeated thing in the manga that he'll insist he has to stay away for her own good), but the point is that even if it's been years and years, she'll always remember him. It's open-ended, but that just means it can be my preferred ending of Hiyori not forgetting but choosing to distance herself. She'll meet up with Yato and Yukine every once in a while living her own, separate, fulfilling life. They've been watching over her all these years anyway.

And so, that brings us to the close. It's as happy an ending as we could have possibly gotten, and above all else, I'm relieved. I've been saying for...years, probably, that I want an open ending, but I really thought it was off the table with recent events.

Final hangups are the same as they were in my final reread (tagged under #Noragami reread on my blog), so I won't repeat them, but the bottom line is that I got everything I wanted out of this ending--except maybe a trio hug? But that interior illustration of the four of them, all smiling and happy, Yato's arm around his sister, made up for that. I kind of wish there was a Yatori kiss for real, but the panel of her touching her lips also assuaged that.

Anyway, I'm not sure what other manga would/will make me unhinged enough to type up monthly thoughts posts for years, but I'll be tuned in to whatever new Adachitoka has coming up. Whether it's a full series, a short series, or just a oneshot, I'll be reading every word. I'm also looking forward to getting the final volume once it releases here, and praying for an artbook announcement.

Thank you for reading! I have some posts to make, some projects to plan, and I'll be diving into the tag once more for old times' sake. This won't be the last of me!

[arcane-vagabond]

Do you know what? I've been thinking and I personally would love to read about when Jake got the curse in Fool's Fare. What he felt physically and emotionally. Even just as flashes from a nightmare or flashback, basically in any form. I just think it is super interesting. I don't know if you were already thinking of including this. If not, no worries, only write what you want.

I actually did not think about including this, but I would LOVE to talk about it actually!! Also, just know that this curse is different from the one in the teaser because I changed it up to suit the story better.

The rain poured down in heavy sheets, and Jake wouldn't be surprised if they left bruises behind at their ferocity. The sand beneath his feet stuck to him like glue, and his heart thundered at the sight of the glazed, white eyes that stared at him, down to the depths of his soul. There were no pupils to break up the milky white, but still he knew they were locked onto him.

There was no color to his skin, and the flesh was drawn tight around his face, a salt and pepper beard hiding the lower half of his face. His clothes were near rags. He looked like death come to life.

"For your arrogance, a token I leave for you," he rasped, the sound sending chills up Jake's spine. It didn't sound fully human, but like a voice you would hear in a distant memory. Whispery, not quite there.

The man lifted a spindly arm slowly at him, a shock running through the blond as he fell to his knees, gripping his sides in a feeble attempt to stop the pain.

"This Earth you'll walk neither dead nor living."

Jake felt something inside of him snap, he howled in pain.

"No meat or marrow will quell your hunger. Only ash will you taste."

Jake suddenly felt hollow, a bottomless emptiness that knocked the wind out of his lungs.

"No wine or water will quench your thirst. Your throat shall never know relief."

Jake felt fire in his throat, like all the moisture had been sapped out of it.

"Your touch remains, but no relief will you feel at the hands of another. You too will know the agony of being parted from the one you love, a yearning inside you for the touch of another that will never be sated no matter how many arms you throw yourself into."

Jake couldn't describe the hunger that suddenly filled him. Not for food, but for the touch of another person. A yearning so strong that it brought him to tears.

"Please," he groaned out, begging the man to stop.

"Your pleas won't work on me, boy," snarled the figure. He slowly walked over to where Jake was curled in on himself in the sand. He crouched down, eyeing Jake with a look that would have made any man beg for forgiveness. “And any man who stands with you will suffer the effects as well.”

"Please," Jake tried again, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"You're not," Davy Jones murmured, cocking his head to the side. Jake let out a sob that any other time would have caused him to be embarrassed, but now? Now he was at the mercy of the lord of the seas. "You will be though, once my curse has had time to settle."

"Please," Jake let out weakly, reaching out his hand. Davy Jones considered the young man before him.

"Alright, boy," he rasped. "Today I shall show mercy to one who did not see fit to give it himself."

Davy Jones leaned closer, stopping next to Jake's ear, and he could make out what smelled like dust and the ocean drift over him.

"You'll have seven years to the day to find that which is most valuable. The greatest treasure of all."

"What is it?" Jake asked him, eyes wide and desperate, pleading. Davy Jones chuckled, standing up to step back. He peered down at the blond.

"What would be the point in tellin' you, lad?" He chuckled. "Find it, and I'll lift the curse. If you don't..."

He paused, cocking his head to the side.

"This will be your fate for all eternity," he finished, booming out a laugh.

Jake shot straight up in his bed, sweat drenching his skin as he fought to regain his breath. He was safe, he told himself. He was on his ship, in his bed. Nowhere near Davy Jones.

Jake winced as a wave of pain rolled over him, a tugging in his chest begging him to go to where you slept in the next cabin over. He sighed, laying back down.

Seven years had come and gone. Seven years was almost up.

[tomyo]

Dungeon Meshi perfectly captures love and bonds developed between found families. At the start you expect a bunch of people who mostly reluctantly deal with each other, especially with how much things were falling apart only for the story to slowly tell you these people were once a hugely solid venturing group.

There really is a gentle beauty to the way the story slowly unveils the love they share for each other, Laois often going out of his way to protect Marcille who is one of the most integral people in the party. In another series they’d probably be the ones shipped if it weren’t for the obvious lesbianism. While she’s initially portrayed as whining and high maintenance, as the story goes on she’s very practical and determined to help their chances by teaching Laios magic. There’s also small details at the start like comforting back pats when Laois makes himself ill on bad cooking. A later episode I love is when he willingly ventures into her nightmare to help her from bad nightmares. The show makes a point that being in good condition is tantamount to surviving the dungeon but the motivation obviously lies more around her mental suffering. To me Laios and Marcille are also the standout relationship in the red dragon fight, they act like they have the most tightest bond of the current members. I want to liken them to a lady and her knight but also in how again, the series subverts the obvious dynamic of partners with romantic undertones that usually would get put onto them. Laios deeply cherishes Marcille but in the way one would cherish their sister (fitting since he is an older brother).

Chilchuck stands out as being especially distant and anti social with the others, the most likely to criticize the others. Albeit even before he is clocked as loving his teammates you can see the dad in him pop out at many points, more specifically his girl dad ness rubbing off on his relationship with Marcille. A cute early moment where she tiredly insists to got with him for the water refill but he refuses only then to get in trouble and believe she’ll be no use when in reality she was already waking up the others to find him. The irony is her thinking of him as younger when she really hovers around him like a daughter would around their father. He protects her innocence over the mermaid eggs for instance. A commonly seen spoiler is he is the one to braid her hair when she looses the ability to desire that. You regularly see him being the one to patch gear as well. His moodiness if often attributed to his age but it was mentioned somewhere he intentionally calorie restricts so he doesn’t set off traps and it wouldn’t surprise me if he experiences regular hunger.

Finally when it comes to Laios, I find him surprisingly profoundly sad. Despite being the biggest source of comedic relief, his oddities come with a sense of profound loneliness. It’s natural for a big brother to be determined to save his younger sister but flashbacks often sell me the idea that Falin is the one who truly gets him the most. There’s a higher range of emotions flash back Laois shows, sometimes feeling like a completely different person. A goofy child, a broodish teen, and a cautious young adult, always with Falin alongside him in his memories. But as a full adult he expresses happiness and light levels of sadness but often a lot more subdued contemplation is involved, likely why he is also the presumed party leader. In some ways it can feel like that lack of expression was in part the sense of a neurodivergent beat down into normalcy. Despite his comfort around his party, he never tells them of Kensuke’s nature. But Falin was shown to adore her brother deeply and share interests in dungeon culture with him. They never seemed to fully develop a “I ‘hate’ you” sibling phase. While mostly keeping calm about rescuing her, you can see a desperation suddenly appear when he finally takes on the red dragon.

The loss of Falin clearly has a big effect on all of them as possibly the heart of the group. You first feel it around the ghosts appearing when Chilchuck realizes she isn’t there to protect them. Someone who warded off the mental hardships for her comrades, such as the one to teach Laois about nightmares. Loved by Shuro and considered accepting his proposal despite not sharing his feelings. Loved by Marcille so much that she committed a crime to bring her back even though it lead to them never being able to leave the dungeon. Her return completely takes the edge off the group. It’s the defining jump from silly antics to more tender family moments. The group more or less surrenders their lives above for her sake. There’s something beautiful about that when we see from Marcille’s memories, she was also seen as a bit of a freak by her peers.

On the opposite side, there is Senshi who often exemplifies a lack of familiarity with the group. His relationships are defined as a common interest with Laois, an ignorance for chilchuck’s maturation, and often at odds with Marcille. In a lot of ways he stays an outsider for a long part of the first half of the anime, rarely presenting a character growth moment until the kelpie instance. Despite overall being agreeable, he acted somewhat arrogant over his understanding of the dungeon and his beliefs. One of the few ways he had to grow thus far is accepting his views weren’t always the truth.

The newest member Izutsumi was a great means to display the bond developed thus far, basically creating an outsider view of a family they have yet to belong to. Her story questions the norm we accepted of people who eat together from the vantage of someone who never was in a familial situation but rather a living piece of property. This time Senshi is playing the role of the father, teaching her manners for her food while Chilchuck is a bit of a pissy uncle until they manage to bond over a fight leading to him making her her own bag, and finally Marcille trying to be caring to her needs. What got me the most is what can be said from how in tune they were together with creating a sauna and how comfortable they were being semi nude with each other in a tight space. A different series would have taken the opportunity to exploit Marcille and Izutsumi for a moment of cheesecake. However we never really end up with a lingering shot or a comment on the situation because no one there is sexually interested in each other that way; they are a family after all. Great place to point out the difference in tone compared to Falin and Marcille’s bath scene, two characters considered to be the rare non platonic instance. Beyond that, there is some warmth to the way the all join in with each other for a meal as Izu watches on; Senshi feeding the blind Laois his food while Chilchuck joins his surrogate daughter (Marcille) who smiles at his presence.

I feel like I could go more at some point into ep 20, the overall dynamic, and the sadness of Laois but I’ll falling short rn.