#Though I obvs love lots of other queer songs

[the-mehlwurm]

God I love queer songs so much

[s-4pphics]

scent of the pine. 1 (e.w.)

omg i finally wrote something who woulda thought gosh golly damn hey yall whos gay around here

wc;cw: 9.6k mmmm, sistersbestfriend!ellie, guitarist/producer!ellie, violinist!oc, so many time skips and theyre not even done yet omg, queer duh, all ocs r black coded<3, mentions of underage smoking/drinking(nics n weed obv), partying, making out, blood(it’s fake but still), all tlou kids appear including *gasp* cat, lots of ocs theyre gonna thrive in later chaps, depression, anxiety, disassociation, crack(it’s not all bad yall laugh a little!!), mentions of therapy, uh yeah just alot of sad and drama, smut in later chaps🤭🤭

You have always been surrounded by music. 

When you were born, your mother quieted your screams with song, holding you close to her chest and gently whispering words of affection and love into your ears while your three-year-old sister jumped in celebration for new life. 

When you were two, your mother gave you your first ever violin toy. Your sister had taken a large interest in the flute at age four, saying that the whistling noises sounded like birdies! and she wanted to give you the same exposure. It could have been sheer luck or her maternal instincts, but you quickly became attached to it. It was small and inexpensive and hardly sounded like a violin, but its bright lights and animated face near the scratched, poorly painted F-holes entranced you like no other. You couldn’t stop fiddling with the red, blue, and green buttons across the body, and every time it played the same robotic instrumental, you waved your arms around with the biggest smile on your face, like you could fly away from elation. Your sister would sometimes jump in and blow into her months old pink recorder while the instrumental played from your toy, imagining you were a part of a world-renowned orchestra: the musical harmony between the two of you brought your mother joy. 

When you turned three, your mom and sister invited over some of her friends to help make cupcakes topped with musical notes for your special day. You sat on the couch with your favorite toy in hand as the instrumental played, jumping up and down on the cushion from pure excitement. Your sister’s friends kept you entertained while your mother prepared dinner, banging together pots and pans with wooden spoons and dancing, imagining them as drums. All four of them made you laugh with jokes, sang to you—one of them even played a song on one of her miniature, bright green guitars— and allowed you to experience some of the joys of life through symphonic expression.

When you were four, your mother noticed differences in your behavior. She noted that you and your sister were polar opposites: she was outspoken, unapologetic, and animated, while you were shy, polite, and timid. You hardly ever spoke unless spoken to, and though no one around you judged you for it, your mother often wondered what went on in your head. Despite your lack of communication, she never doubted the fire inside you: she saw it in your eyes whenever you watched footage of some of the most famous names in the classical world play their hearts out. When you were five, she signed you up for violin lessons.

When your big sister turned eight, she and her friends' released screams of excitement when she revealed her very first flute. She jumped in excitement, —mostly out of relief that she wouldn't have to berate you and your mom with the shrilling bleats of her old, pink recorder— shrieking about how she and her friends should start a band as soon as possible.“How the hell would a trumpet player fit in a rock band, you idiot?” You remembered your sister's best friend, Ellie, saying quietly so your mother wouldn’t hear from the kitchen, earning a playful shove from Jesse, your next-door neighbor. The dark-haired girl, Dina—who lived two houses down and had a large obsession with slapping her mother’s keyboard in the middle of the night—bursted into a fit of giggles while pointing at the young boy, making him blush. 

You were always very observant of your sister's friends. You didn’t have many opportunities to make some of your own due to your incessant need to isolate, so you managed with what you had. They intrigued you: they were loud, lively, and exuberant. They never shied away from demonstrating their talents to you or your mom, especially the green-eyed, auburn-haired girl that almost always had her father’s black acoustic guitar strapped around her small frame on the three-block walk to your house. You remembered when she brought the guitar to school to play for the other students during lunch time, which landed her in after-school detention after she scolded one of her teachers for confiscating it, claiming that they were “limiting creative expression” and telling them to “screw themselves”. 

When Ellie’s father, Joel, came to pick up your sister's friends from her party, Ellie jokingly pinched your side and threw you a quick see ya, squirt! while her and her two friends laughed and waved their way out of your front door. Your face ran hot as you watched them—her—leave. You didn’t get to reply before they ran down your porch in a heap of giggles. Watch the road, nuggets! I don’t have life insurance! You remembered Joel calling out to them as they sprinted across the street. 

When you turned eight years old, your mother gave you your very first authentic violin and bow, the black case wrapped in glittery, floral paper. As usual, your sister and her friends grabbed and shook your shoulders out of excitement and anticipation of seeing you play since they never have, which you politely declined. You have always shied away from revealing your natural talent due to your scalding fear of embarrassment, resulting in only your mother and violin teacher knowing your abilities. You blushed as your sister, Jesse, and Dina pressed on, pleading that you play at least a couple of chords for them, causing Ellie to playfully come to your defense with a high-spirited squeal of she’s shy, you heathens! leave her be before I kick all your asses! 

From that moment on, you always looked up to Ellie and her comfortability with herself. You never thought that you would meet someone more confident than your sister, but Ellie had her beat for miles. Regardless of where she was or what she did, she moved with a confidence that you only dreamt of having at that age. You wanted so desperately to mimic her, but that annoying voice of doubt never failed to remind you of your place. You made sure your light was dimmed, always. 

When your sister was twelve, she began to take music very seriously. She went from two flute sessions a week to five, only to return home and play some more. She’d even performed in some of her school's recitals (she vomited across the stage during her first performance, but a victory is a victory). You watched your mother scold her about not completing her homework as she stood practicing in the living room while you silently ate your dinner, which led to her half-heartedly completing her assignments with a frown on her face. Over the next year and a half, your sister's scolding started to get more intense as her grades dropped. She was never much of a scholar, but she never let her grades slip under as much as they had then. Although her music teacher was sending her home with nothing but praises after every lesson, your mom often received letters in the mail from your sister's school saying that her performance was concerning. You’d heard your mother reprimand her countless times, saying you’re not going to survive high school like this! look at what you’re doing! while your sister claimed I know exactly what I’m doing, I want to be better! I’m following my dreams! why aren’t you proud of me? They had exchanged more harsh words until you heard your sister's door slam shut and your mothers silently resigned to her room in defeat. 

You heard your sister’s cries through your shared wall for a while, until a gentle voice—Ellie’s, you recognized—consoled her and told her to calm down until her whimpers silenced. You knew she had a habit of secretly climbing up into your sister's window to hang out when your mom didn’t allow company over, but you didn’t know that she also always showed up when your sister needed another source of comfort. You slowly got up and left your room, silently walking down the hall until you reached your sister's door. You wanted to knock and see if she was okay, but before you could do so, the door opened and out walked Ellie, clad in her usual dark jeans and T-shirt, bracelets covering her wrists in mass, and dirty, scuffed chucks and socks in hand. She jumped slightly when she witnessed someone waiting behind the door, but instantly relaxed when she realized it was you. 

“Hey, squirt. Why are you creepin’ behind the door like that?” She whispered with a small chuckle, gently shutting your sister’s door. 

“Sorry.” You whispered back. “I heard her crying and I wanted to check on her. How is she?” 

“She’ll be fine. She got a headache and fell asleep. I was just tucking her in, don’t worry.” She gently said, looking down at you. “I was just about to head out. Mind lockin’ the front door for me?” 

“Why don’t you just leave out the window again?” 

She snorted before she asked, “Dude, do you know how hard it is to climb down that rickety ass ladder you guys have outside? I almost broke my neck climbing down that thing in that storm last month.” 

You quietly laughed alongside her while she bent down to put her socks back on. “What are you doing up anyway? It’s late and you have class tomorrow.” 

“So do you.” You said, raising an accusatory brow at her. “Plus, I'm not tired, I’m bored.” 

“I’m not tired”, she said mockingly. “What do you wanna do right now?” 

“Don’t you have to be home soon?” 

She waited a second before a mischievous smirk creeped on her face, “Yeah, but who cares. C’mon.” 

She grabbed your wrist before quickly pulling you back into your room and gently shutting the door behind you. She took note of your room: pink and purple everything. Your walls were drenched in white and pink stripes with giant, iridescent, butterfly stickers, your bedspread had small specks of glitter sprinkled across it, which shimmered from your pink and green fairy lamp. You had a small tv propped up on your dresser, which was covered in fairy and Disney princess stickers, at the front of your room. She couldn’t help but snicker at the mountain of plushies that crowded your bed and nightstand. However, she halted when she noticed a small glass case that held two violins with their bows. She recognized the first one: a gift from your mother on your eighth birthday that had lost some shine, and another, much glossier and more tuned than the latter. It looked barely used. A small burst of joy exploded in her chest at the thought of you playing even though she had never seen it. She was happy to know that your love for music still lived. 

“Your room’s cute, dude, it’s making my skin crawl like crazy, holy fuck,” she said with a soft laugh, leaning back against your door. 

“Don’t make fun of me, you freakin' metalhead! It’s pretty in here and I like it,” you said begrudgingly, “Your room's scary!” 

She let out a loud laugh before she acknowledged your glass-guarded instruments, “You still play?” 

She nodded towards your protected instruments. You nodded from your bed and excitedly said, “Yeah, come sit! I never had a slumber party before!” 

You spent the night quietly watching Peter Pan, gossiping about how in love you were with him and how you wished you could fly. Ellie silently watched you talk with curious, wide eyes as you went on tangent after tangent. You talked about movies you loved and boys you liked (which she playfully gagged at), and music you liked to listen to when you were sad, and she internalized all of it. She had never seen this side of you before, but she was so intrigued that she didn’t notice her own intensity in her own eyes. You just kept going and going before you abruptly stopped, the brightness in your eyes dimming slightly as you looked at her. 

“Sorry for talking a lot,” you said, embarrassed. “Am I annoying?” 

“‘Course not, squirt,” she said confused, but immediately. “Why the hell would you think that?” 

You didn’t say anything, but her affirmation reignited the fire in your eyes as your rambles started up again. She let you talk until you sloppily fell asleep across your pillows and plushies, tv still quietly playing in the background. She gently got up from her position, careful not to wake you, pulled your blankets over your frame, and stealthily left through your sister’s window. She made her way back home, envisioning you playing your violin for her one day. 

Ellie became the person that you turned to whenever you needed reassurance. She’d never failed at making you feel acknowledged and seen and heard. 

Age thirteen was the first time you anticipated the summer. Middle school had been a very disconnected period for you, and though many of your peers had experienced a sense of helplessness through these trine times of adolescence, yours was slowly overtaking your ability to feel excitement for anything. You had become so detached to the world around you and that annoying, discouraging voice had only spurred on your distance. This dark state that you entered caused you to separate from everyone, including your own family. Your last day of eighth grade was the giddiest you had felt in a long time, and you couldn’t wait to get back to your place of solitude—home. 

Your sister entered her element in high school. Much to your mother’s delight, she was able to find a balance between fulfilling her dreams as a musical prodigy while staying afloat academically. 

You had been attending your violin lessons for eight years, and though you were blessed with your musical perception, —according to your teacher—you never played in front of an audience. Though your teacher was eager to put you in the children’s orchestra that he trained, your mother did not want to push you into something you weren’t ready for, so she'd always decline politely. 

In July, Dina invited you and your sister over to a pool party. Her parents were going to be out for the weekend, and she thought that it’d be the perfect time to be reckless. When you and your sister walked in with your towels and snacks in hand, she greeted you both with an excited squeal, beckoning you both to the backyard. Ellie, Dina’s older sister, Talia, and a few older girls that you didn’t recognize, were already in the water, splashing and laughing. 

“Look who just arrived, cunts! My babies, my angels, the lights of my life— “

“Ay, shut the fuck up!” the blonde-haired girl yelled with a grin, causing Dina to flip her off and the others to laugh. 

You modestly held your folded towel in your hand, smiling at their interaction. Your sister had already discarded her towel, shorts, and flip flops on a random beach chair before she cannonballed into the pool, causing everyone to swear and splash her. Dina then jumped in right behind her with a shout. They all blended so well, and you curled into yourself. Maybe you should go—

“Get over here, squirt! It’s hot as fuck out here,” Ellie shouted out with a smile, before a girl in a black bikini playfully jumped on her back, planting a light kiss on her shoulder. Something unfamiliar panged in your chest, but you nodded and slipped off your flip flops before making your way over to the pool stairs, slowly submerging yourself into the water. 

“You’re still calling her squirt like she’s four, cut it out already,” Dina called out with a snort before she addressed you.

“I’m not sure if your sister ever mentioned anything about these losers but they’re some friends from school, that’s Cat, Abby, and Riley,” she said and pointed them out, “and they’re really fucking annoying—

“Shut the hell up before I drown you,” said Abby with a straight face.

“Yeah, keep talking to me like that— “ 

“ANYWAYS,” Ellie interrupted, “We missed you kid, where ya been?” 

“Just at home, nothing crazy. I’m glad to finally be out, though.” I think I’m depressed, please don’t notice. 

“She’s lying, I nearly had to drag her ass outta bed by her feet to detangle her hair this morning,” your sister corrected with an over dramatic eye roll. 

“I’m just tired,” you said meekly. “School was hard these past two weeks.” 

“I bet it was! Literally no one ever talks about how crazy middle school is! I damn near backflipped off the stage at our promotion,” Riley commented with a head shake, making Abby aggressively nod her head in agreement. 

As the side conversations continued, your attention was overtaken by Ellie, who had moved to the opposite side of the pool to whisper something into the short-haired girl’s—Cat, who hasn’t acknowledged you yet—ear, which made her giggle and half-heartedly push Ellie away. The green-eyed girl didn’t budge, wrapping her arms around the girl's waist, pulling her closer and, much to your surprise, planting a quick kiss on her cheek. Cat had a tight grip on Ellie’s olive-green rash guard as she held her and shared soft whispers that you wished you heard. Was that her girlfriend? you thought. You knew Ellie liked girls due to her almost two-year long crush on Riley, which she confided in you and your sister about when she was fourteen. She had wildly knocked on your sister’s window in the middle of the night with a tear-stained face, frantically pacing and claiming that something was wrong with her. 

Why the fuck do I want to kiss her and hold her hand whenever I see her?

This is bad, this is really really bad, guys, something’s wrong! 

What do I do, how do I stop this! 

You had never seen her so defeated, and her wet cheeks and scared eyes made your chest hurt with a sharp stab. Your sister had pulled her into a tight hug and quietly hummed a tune in her ear to soothe her sobs, while you gently rubbed her back and told her that she was going to be okay. She ended up staying the night, dozing off while holding one of your sister’s stuffed animals close to her chest while the two of you held her from both sides. You and your sister hadn’t slept in the same bed since she was six. 

As the party slowly died down and Talia, who snuck away to her room much earlier, beckoned everyone inside with a get outta the pool you freaks! you’re gonna prune! from the back door, you all resigned inside to rinse off and change clothes before heading to the living room to watch a scary movie. You silently smacked on your sour gummy worms on the lone lounge chair as you watched Abby, Riley, and your sister cower behind pillows to block the screen while Dina snored loudly, while Cat and Ellie snuggled on a lounge chair. She had her chin propped up on the dark-haired girl’s head to see the screen while she rubbed her back. 

As the film progressed, you saw the couple making small movements out of the corner of your eye. Cat began to subtly plant soft kisses on her cheek, neck, and shoulder, causing the auburn-haired girl to smirk, moving her head to the side to give her more access. You saw Ellie pull her girlfriend’s shirt up slightly, rubbing the exposed skin on her hip. You seemed to be the only one who noticed as the girls on the other couch squealed at another jump scare. Ellie and her girlfriend shared a more intense kiss, and you saw a glistening tongue poke out. That made you avert your gaze and you blushed, embarrassed that you were catching such an intimate moment. You quickly got up with a quick excuse of I gotta pee, making your way to the bathroom down the hall. Your face was boiling, and your heart pounded in your chest as you soaked your hands with icy water before wiping them down your face, that voice in the back of your head asking what the fuck your problem was. 

You slowly looked up at your reflection in the mirror to center yourself, but your vision started to blur, and hands began to shake. You tried to take deep breaths; you tried you tried you tried but the air left your lungs as quickly as it entered. 

Breathe, breathe breathebreathebreathe—

You jumped at the soft knock on the bathroom door, and you ripped it open without hesitation, revealing a concerned Ellie, Dina, and sibling, reaching out and asking if you were okay. How long were you there? You couldn’t speak or breathe or see so you swiftly shook your head no nonono—

Ellie and your sister guided you back to the living room and onto the couch. Ellie squatted down to your eye level, grabbing your face in her warm hands while your sister rubbed your back and Dina held your hand. The other girls’ expressions had been pulled down in concern as they watched your smaller frame tremble. 

“Hey squirt, can you do me a favor? Can you breathe with me?” 

“Cmon, deep breath in and hold it with me, follow me okay?” Ellie instructed. Your mimicked breaths were choked and broken, but she nodded her head at you in encouragement anyway, gently whispering a that’s it every time you shakily exhaled. 

All the girls remained silent but attentive, allowing Ellie to control the situation. Riley had even gone to the kitchen to snag you a glass of water that she set on the coffee table. You tried to match Ellie’s breaths with yours, holding, in and out, holding, in and out, and you eventually calmed down. There was silence for a few minutes before Dina spoke. 

“How do you feel, hun? You okay to talk now?” she asked softly while gently caressing your hand. You didn’t know how to answer, so you meekly nodded your head yes. 

“Tell us what’s been going on with you. You’ve been so… MIA lately,” your friend noted, cringing slightly at her choice of words. 

“I… I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know what… what’s happening to me—

“Shh, it’s alright, we’re gonna handle it, just try to relax for now. We’re leaving in a little, anyway,” your sister comforted. You felt Ellie’s calloused fingers gently rub your knee soothingly. You just wanted to lay down. 

After some more hugs and forehead smooches from Dina, you and your sister packed up your things and headed home. You weren’t aware, but Ellie met your sister’s eyes with an intense gaze, quietly instructing her before you both left, (“You need to watch her tonight, do you understand? You watch her until tomorrow and you tell your mom what happened the second you get a chance”) which she immediately agreed to. 

Your sister had held your hand tightly as you both made your way to your front porch. Your sister pulled out her semiquaver keychain, unlocking the door and quietly trudged inside. Your home was dark, meaning that your mother had already been in bed. Your sister hadn’t released the tight grip of your hand the entire trek upstairs. She opened her bedroom door, silently pulling you inside and made her way over to her dresser. She gave you a giant T-shirt to change into as she put her bonnet on. You both brushed your teeth and washed your face before heading over to her bed. You laid down facing each other, tucked under the blankets. You both looked at each other in silence, but she broke it. 

“I want you to tell me why that happened, no bullshit.” 

You didn’t reply. You were tired. 

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” She pressed on. You noted the desperation in her eyes. Your heart was hurting. 

Silence.

Her eyes shut in defeat before she turned her back to you. Your eyes burned into the worn shirt she wore. Just say it, the voice in your head screamed at you, tell her how worthless you are! 

Silence. 

Silence.

Silence.

And then an exhale. 

“I think I need to talk to someone.” 

You did not expect the rest of your summer to be filled with therapy sessions and journal entries. When your sister told your mother about the events of that night, much to your dismay, she immediately made some phone calls and scheduled sessions twice a week. You had to pause your violin sessions for a few weeks, and you missed it, but you knew this was more important. Your mother expressed her remorse for not paying closer attention to your behavior. Your distance, your lack of energy, your reluctance to speak, your silence—God, your silence. You were screaming without a word. She felt that she’d failed you, and she wanted to do as much as she could to reignite that light in your eyes. 

You hadn’t looked forward to these meetings in the beginning, but you soon grew to like your therapist. Even though your feelings were confusing and unfamiliar to you, she was in no rush to get answers out of you. She allowed you to speak at your own pace and listened to every minor detail. She concluded that your self-doubt has bubbled over into anxiety: she recommended you journaling. She wanted you to document one thing that you loved about yourself everyday (“It can be anything: appearance, personality, talents. Whatever you wish. Just make sure you mean it”). 

And so, you did. 

The next month flew by, the last bits of summer slowly easing into fall, and you were going to start your first year of high school. Your mother and sister had noticed a slight change in your behavior during your break: you started eating dinner with them instead of in your room, asked how their day went, what their week looked like. Your sister would ramble about how stressed she was for her last year but also how excited she was to perform with the school’s orchestra at the December recital and, for the first time in what felt like forever, you rambled back. Your mother had listened from the kitchen as you two gossiped, argued, and even planned to play music together in the future. Her heart swelled. You also started hanging out with Dina, Ellie, Jesse, and your sister a lot more: one night, you followed them back to Joel and Ellie’s garage to watch them freestyle on some of his used instruments. Jesse, who babbled to you about his new love for drumming, demonstrated some techniques he had adapted from Joel on his old drum set while your sister nodded her head along to the beats he made. Dina was already improvising on their brand new sixty-one key keyboard, headphones on to tune out the noise the four of you were making. Ellie, who had stepped away to answer her girlfriend’s call, had her father’s bright green, electric bullet mustang strapped around her chest. She noticed you staring and sent you a thumbs up, you giving one back. She sent you a wink and a smile before turning away to continue her conversation. Your heartbeat increased. 

Ellie had become much more attentive after that night at the party. She had always been protective of you, but her desire to talk to you increased tenfold. She would text you fried memes in the middle of the night or leave voice memos about how her dad was helping her customize his old electric guitar. She chattered about wanting to record the entire process for all of you to see. 

i feel like if i help my dad with anything he’ll wring my neck :| he’s so particular abt instruments it’s annoying 

that sucks :( but at least he cares!! he’s just passionate and wants u to play the best. 

he gave it to ME tho. the guitar is mine now!! i should have some input on how it looks be on my side!!! >:/

i am!! just be patient with him. ur gonna be shredding w it soon enough :D

And she also never failed to check in on you for more serious matters, either. She never pressed for information, not wanting to overstep, but she always ensured that you had a safe space to discuss anything you wanted with her. After some of your meetings, you would already have a text from her asking how your session went and what you learned. You would send her voice memos about some of your therapist’s pointers about communication and how you were trying to improve that skill for your family, especially your mom. She also provided some advice about what helped her regain her footing in conversation, joking that no one could ever get me to shut the hell up at the end of the day! that’s for damn sure. 

Ellie wasn’t aware, but you started writing about her in your journal, as well. Small, little excerpts of what you liked about her and how she made you feel. How caring she was. How she made your heart beat fast whenever she was around. How strong she felt when she pulled you in for a tight hug while whispering about how she missed you—

Oh. 

Oh.

You were helpless… and gay. 

It was late into November. You were fourteen and elated. 

Not only had you slowly eased back into music, but you had friends. That you made on your own. You knew that your sister and her friends didn’t want to drag you along everywhere they went, both on and off campus, so you began to explore other paths by yourself. Swiftly after the school year started, you joined the campus orchestra, and while you were terrified, you were excited. Impassioned. Hopeful. 

There were all types of groups that passed through the practice room. Students of all grades hung out, ate, and studied there: you were shocked at the number of students that lounged in the designated nerd hotspot during their free time. This is nothing like the movies, you had thought. You noted that the room was not as busy on Thursdays during lunch, and you thought it would be a good time to tune out the outside world and throw yourself into music again. One Thursday, you walked in on a group of juniors whispering and giggling about something you couldn’t hear. You looked around and noticed one of the girls from your biology class—Arya, you remembered—pushed off into a corner by herself, on her knees and hurriedly shoving her things into her backpack. She looked upset. 

She looked sad. 

The juniors had been talking about her.

You had your violin case and lunch in hand as you slowly made your way past the juniors and in front of her. You noticed her tear-stained cheeks shining under the white light of the room as you got closer. You softly greeted her, making her jump and eyes harden. 

“Hey, Arya, you alright?” You whispered, squatting down to her level. 

“What do you think,” She whispered back harshly, continuing to shove her books into her pack. “Does it look like I’m alright? If you’re here to laugh you can honestly fuck off.” 

You’d flinched at her tone but pressed on. “I didn’t walk all the way here to laugh at you. Let's go somewhere else, we can eat together, if you want!” 

You could tell she had questioned your enthusiasm. She looked at you skeptically before looking behind you, at the juniors, and then back at you. You didn’t budge. She slowly rose to her feet, swung her backpack over her shoulder, grabbed her instrument case from the floor—hm, clarinet— and softly nodded. You both leaving caused the juniors to laugh harder. 

You didn’t care. 

You and Arya have done everything together since that day. She was eager to introduce you to her two friends, Starr and Kris, who you clicked with immediately. The second they sat you down, they raged about how much they hated the writers of Vampire Diaries due to how they treated Kat Graham, how they joked about hating talented people like you and Arya, what they wanted their future weddings to look like (Kris and her Pinterest boards), and you laughed. 

You were calm.

You were happy. 

Your first year of high school flew by. 

Your sister earned her flute solo at the December recital, earning a standing ovation from the audience of students and parents. You and your mother screamed the loudest for her. 

At Dina’s eighteenth birthday party, you, Ellie, and your sister walked in on her and Jesse tonguing each other down in the kitchen. Ellie let out a hardy laugh of are you fuckers serious! right in front of my salad? while your sister fell to the floor in hysterics. You had shielded your eyes. 

April came around and so did prom season. Your sister said that she had been anticipating the event since seventh grade and you, your mom, and Dina were dragged along to her fitting. She had texted Ellie to come, but she swiftly declined, claiming that she couldn’t hide my fat dick in a dress! love you tho! buy me an elf bar? :3

You missed her so much. 

On the evening of prom, your sister, Dina, Jesse, and Ellie all pitched in to rent a limo. Your sister, gorgeous as always, was draped in a strapless, floral gown that cinched her waist and bloomed at her hips and her twists were pinned up to show her neckline and back. Dina wore a flowy, black dress with a leg slit. Ellie and Jesse were dressed to a T in classic black suits, him in loafers and her in beat up Vans with her usual messy, low bun. 

Your parents had all met at Joel’s house for pictures and semi-alcoholic drinks. You were touching up your sister’s makeup at Ellie’s desk in her room when you felt too familiar hands pinch your sides with a soft, hey squirt. You jumped, almost mussing up your sister’s liner, causing her to kick the hell out of Ellie’s calf. She feigned an ache before hitting her mint elf bar, blowing it away from both of your faces. 

“Don’t fucking play with me right now bitch, I mean it, this is serious business,” your sister had said to her. 

“Oh shut the hell up, it’s three hours of musty people dancing, it’s not that serious,” Ellie said before turning to you, “Check your sister, dude.” 

“El, please shut up,” you said to her. “Just hold still, I'm almost done, god you’re both annoying!” 

You worked as quickly as you could, slightly smudging the liner on her waterline until you were satisfied, “…aaaand done. Tell me how it looks right quick.” 

She inspected her appearance, pressing on her baby hairs before turning and giving you a fat smooch, “Thank you baby! It’s perfect, now move, I gotta piss before we go.” 

Your sister jumped up from Ellie’s chair, holding her dress up while flipping her off and lightly sprinting down the hall to the bathroom, which left you both giggling.

A bored Ellie had made her way over to her bed while you worked, laid out across it, silently puffing on her nic before saying, “I don’t know how you deal with her sometimes.” 

“Me neither, honestly,” you replied, smiling. “Where’s Cat?” 

“Somewhere being annoying. We had an argument last night.” 

“Yikes, sorry I asked.” 

She sat up before shrugging, beckoning you to sit next to her in the bed, “You’re good. She felt a way about my promposal. She went off about me not putting that much effort into the sign I made and waiting until the last minute to ask. It was petty.” 

You snorted with a head shake as you watched her breathe menthol out her nose. 

“Don’t laugh at my shortcomings! Wait ‘til you get a boyfriend, he’s gonna forget about prom too! It’s dumb.” 

You froze. Boyfriend. Boyfriend? You laughed sheepishly with another shake of your head. She noticed your reaction before you could even reply. She smirked in acknowledgement. 

“… or partner. Your partner might forget.” She quietly corrected with a sly grin. 

“If you say anything I’ll strangle you and burn your corpse.” 

“Oh my fucking god, did you forget that I lived in the closet for almost five years straight?! You’re fine.” 

She took another puff before asking, “Anybody steal your heart yet?” 

“Please be serious, I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. How do you even talk to girls without dying?” You said with a pout. 

She almost fell over as she giggled. “You talk to girls like you talk to everyone else, you’re gonna charm them regardless. Trust me.” 

You felt your face heat up at the subtle compliment, but you gave her an eye roll and light shove before your sister came trucking down the hallway with her heels in hand. She shrieked out a limo’s here! before flying down the stairs. Ellie took one more long puff of her pale green vape before tucking it into her jacket pocket, wrapping her arms around your smaller frame as she guided you downstairs. 

She smelled like mint menthol and pine trees. You loved how she smelled. 

Summer came, and you’d fully accepted your big, fat crush on Ellie. 

Your journal had been riddled with doodles of her name surrounded by hearts and sparkles, written words of affection through poetry, more hearts and sparkles. You couldn’t stop thinking about her: everything that she said, everything she did, did something to you. But you didn’t know that the fluttering in your chest whenever she was around would be short lived. 

Your sister had spent her eighteenth birthday at Cat’s family lake house. As much as you wanted to be a fly on the wall and watch your sister go crazy, you had to settle with viewing her private story from your warm bed on Friday night. It was a mess: she had posted multiple snaps of Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and herself taking shot after shot, chug after chug, until she posted a photo of Jesse’s head hanging out of a second story window with Dina’s hand on his back and Ellie cheesing wide with her two thumbs up, nic in hand. Her next snap, however, made your smile drop from your face. 

The footage was a close—too close—up shot of Ellie and Cat making out against the wall. Ellie had her girlfriend trapped between her and the wood, both hands cradling her face as she dominated the kiss. She was grinding her hips up to meet the dark-haired girl’s, pressing her body further into the wall. Ellie then dropped her hands to her girlfriend’s hips, grabbing her short dress in her larger hands to pull her even closer. You barely noticed due to the shakiness of the camera, but you saw the pink glisten of your good friend's tongue swiping up into her girl's mouth before the snap ended. 

You'd nearly dropped your phone on your face. 

The clip had been hilarious out of context: the loud booming of clap clap clap that ass bitch, shake that cameltoe, lemme see them pussy lips! with your sister screaming and shaking like crazy in the background, Jesse behind the couple hurling his guts out of a window, and his concerned girlfriend pouting with a turquoise bong and lighter in her hand. Anyone would’ve found it comedic gold, but you? 

Your stomach had twisted uncomfortably, not only from jealousy, but from a burning, swirling heat. 

You dropped your phone on your bed and sat up as angry tears blurred your vision. You knew her and her girlfriend had been on and off for a while now, so why did it affect you so deeply to see them together? How stupid could you be? you thought she wanted you after all this time? a voice that you hadn’t heard in a while said to you. You’d recognized that tremor in your hands and pick-up of your heart, and you knew that you couldn’t be alone tonight. You sent a quick SOS text to your friends in the group chat, desperately seeking comfort. Arya, ever the angel, was the first to respond with a quick and simple omw rn, stealing her brother’s car keys to pick up Kris and Starr and flew straight to your house. 

The girls held you while you sobbed, gently shushing you and encouraging you to take deep breaths. 

Breathe with me, squirt, there ya go. 

You wished that voice didn’t sound so much like hers. 

Your sister and her friends had returned home Sunday night, hungover and exhausted like hell. You hadn’t moved from your bed all weekend, and you hadn’t wanted to get up to help her drag her bags in. You immediately recognized the laughter that came from downstairs, and your heart shook painfully in your chest. Their voices were muffled due to your door being shut, but you heard a cheerful I’ll go get her leave your sister’s mouth before the sound of her rushed footsteps flooded the quiet hallway. 

You quickly flipped over so your back faced the door, your blanket thrown over your body as you pretended to sleep. 

You heard your door open, some shuffling, before it was gently shut again. You listened to your sister shuffle back downstairs and you heard a faint she’s slumped…. tomorrow or something… 

Their chatter and laughter continued into the night while you moped in your room. Your phone had pinged around eleven, a pop-up of sleep well, squirt:3 on your home screen. 

You turned your phone off and threw it on your nightstand, shutting your eyes, praying for sleep to come. 

You dreamt of green and pine trees. 

You had begun your sophomore year, and your friends had been a good distraction from the inner turmoil of your heart. During the last bits of your vacation, Ellie had been texting you non-stop, eager to play you the completed version of a song she’d been working on for the past five months. She’d even finished customizing her father’s passed down electric guitar: you only knew because you frequently checked her Instagram, despite the ache you felt in your chest when you saw the posts of her and her girlfriend doing cute couple shit. Her guitar had been airbrushed raven black with silver strings, and a detailed white and green skull that she painted on the body. She’d sent you and your sister the entire video of her creation as promised, but you'd only replied with a dry thumbs up emoji. Her suspicions were correct: something serious was going on with you. 

After your sister’s birthday weekend in July, Ellie texted you multiple times to come help her and Dina mix a song and watch movies, but you politely declined saying that you were busy and maybe another time :)! It technically wasn’t a lie: your sister came to your defense when she asked where you were, saying that your trigonometry grade had dropped significantly after your first test, and you were desperate to get it up before your mother noticed. She had accepted that excuse for the first two weeks, but after your sixth reply of busy :( rain check? she got agitated. 

She started pressing your sister about your attitude after the first month without your knowledge, but she swiftly got brushed off with a dude, she's studying at her friend's house, can you relax and pack this bowl for me please? 

Ellie laid in her bed after her hotbox with her friends, confused as to why you were acting so stiff with her so suddenly. Whenever she came over to your house, you locked yourself in your room and didn’t come out to greet her for whatever reason. She had been this close to marching to your house and kicking your bedroom door down herself before she received a notification that you had updated your private story. She clicked it, and played a video of one of your friends with a flyswatter in hand yelling about how she was a world-renowned mosquito killer until the bug started flying around the unfamiliar room. Multiple shrieks, including yours, were heard before the video abruptly ended. 

Ellie swiped up on your story with a quick LOOOOOOL, but she wasn’t laughing. I guess she really was busy doing something, she thought. She felt bad for assuming that you had been purposefully avoiding her, but she was not used to you being unavailable. She was a clingy high, sue her. 

She clicked her phone off and hoped she would see you soon. 

Ellie’s eighteenth birthday had been two weeks away.

Her birthday never felt like her own; Her dad had always made a big deal about the celebration. He spent hours blowing up balloons for her eleventh, baking cupcakes(even though he nearly burned their entire house down) for her fourteenth, and bragged to the cashier at the vinyl shop about how much of an old soul his baby girl was(“Oh this isn’t for me, my daughter is obsessed with the oldies, I really rubbed off on her, she’s turning sixteen tomorrow and I wanna surprise her!”). She’d never complained, though. She’d never say, but she loved seeing him happy more than anything in the world.

However, her attitude towards her eighteenth birthday had been different. She was eager to celebrate her transition into adulthood with the people she loved the most. She knew that she wanted a slasher themed party with blood and gore everywhere. Her inner horror movie fan had been gasping for water for years, and she was finally going to quench her thirst. 

Call her Jason. 

You and your sister were arguing about who would dress up as Scream. 

Ellie had given your sister an invitation to her big eighteenth, and although you were reluctant about going, your guilt had slowly been gnawing at you. The last message that Ellie sent you was almost three weeks ago: a simple miss u, which you left unread. You thought it was strange how no one acknowledged the tension between the two of you, but you hardly understood it yourself, and you began to feel remorseful. 

You owed her an apology, and you planned to do it tonight. 

“You’re not dressing up as Scream, bitch, I’m sorry! I got you this Jack the Ripper cape, try it on.” she said as she threw the cape and top hat on your bed.  

“Jack the Ripper was racist, fact— “

“Most serial killers are! It’s for aesthetic purposes only! There’s no such thing as a moral compass on Halloween.” 

You stared at her with a blank expression, before she resigned, retrieving the fit, “Ugh, fine, go as one of the most iconic slashers in film history, see if I give a damn.” 

“Waaaaaa, you mad.” You said with a laugh. 

She yelled back a DUH! as she marched down the hall and into the bathroom to change. Your mom wasn’t supportive of the slasher costume party, but she stood no chance against your sister’s persuasive pout and googly eyes. 

An hour later, you both were dressed with your gifts in hand as your mother locked the door behind you. You couldn’t begin to imagine the reaction of your neighbors if they peeped out of their windows since Halloween wasn’t for another two weeks. They better not call the fucking cops, that's all I know! your sister shouted out into the quiet neighborhood before you shushed her. 

Despite the anxiety in the pit of your stomach, you were eager to see Ellie. You and your sister had pitched in to get custom-made, embroidered guitar pics as her gift: you were hoping that she liked them. 

It wasn’t long before you made it onto the Miller residence. Your sister scaled the stairs of their front porch like it was a mountain before banging on the door. It shot open seconds later and revealed Dina, dressed as Freddy Krueger, and Jesse as… Saw. 

That mask always made an uncomfortable shiver go down your spine. 

They both pulled you and your sister into tight hugs before pulling you further inside to shut the door. The entire downstairs area was lit with red LED lights with faux cobwebs spread across the kitchen and living room walls. You and your sister almost slipped on the fake blood that was splattered all over the wooden floor. There was a giant bowl of tooth-rotting chocolate and a bag of sour gummies on the counter, right next to the multitude of Jason figurines. There was also eerie music playing from Ellie’s speaker near the TV. 

You couldn’t believe you had a crush on this loser. 

“OH MY FUCKING GOD IM SO FUCKING EXCITED THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN HOLY SHIT— “ 

Your sister, then Dina, had already been trucking back up the stairs, as they released excited squeals, which only ignited more excited squeals from other voices you barely recognized. 

Jesse threw his arms around you as he pulled you inside. 

“Bro, where the fuck have you been, I haven’t seen you in ages!” He said, voice muffled under his mask and over the bass from the speakers.

“I know, I’m sorry, school is crazy right now, but I’m here now,” you said with a smile and just as muffled, walking over to the counter to rip open the sour gummy bag. “Are we supposed to be upstairs or something?” 

“Nah, Cat and Riley, you remember Riley, are finishing up their costumes. They really went all out with the decor though, I was impressed.” 

Your smile fell at the mention of her girlfriend, and you immediately knew that you weren’t going to have fun. You lifted your mask up to shove candied worms into your mouth in attempts to center yourself. 

After ten minutes of ravishing the tart candies on the kitchen barstool, you heard quick, heavy footsteps descend the stairs. 

You turned to see Ellie, Abby, Dina, Riley, Cat, and your sister descend the stairs, jumping excitedly at your get-up, laughing at your mask. You barely had the chance to stand from your seat and greet everyone before Ellie pushed past them to pull you into a rib-cracking hug. You could hardly move to return the gesture.

“I missed you so much, squirt, holy shit,” she whispered into your ear. You would’ve dropped to your knees if it wasn’t for her grip. “Where have you been, are you doing okay?” 

She pulled back slightly to look at your face while both your masks were atop your heads, and you got a good look at her freckled appearance. Her hair was styled in a half bun with multicolored bobby pins holding her bangs back. She was wearing light makeup: her nose and cheeks were gently highlighted, her under eyes had a dark red tinted liner that was smudged with purpose, and she shaved a slit into her eyebrow. She had on a black T-shirt that had been cut and ripped in some parts, black, ripped jeans, and an oversized, dark olive-green flannel. The sleeves were rolled up and you damn near fainted at the subtle lines of an unfinished tattoo peeking out. She also had a plastic version of Jason’s large, bloody machete secured through the belt loop of her jeans. 

Holy shit. 

Your face was burning hot from how close her face was to yours. “Hi El, I’m fine, happy birthday,” you said quietly, half chewing the worms in your mouth. 

You turned to grab her small, wrapped gift box off the counter, softly shoving it into her chest in attempts to distract her from pressing about your whereabouts, and though you noticed her eyebrows pull down in concern, she grabbed the box from your hands before replying a gentle thank you. 

Your sister slapped Ellie on the back, breaking up the moment, begging to change the music genre before dragging her to the living room to unlock her phone. 

I can’t shake ass to this shit, bitch! Change it now!

I NEED A ONE DANCE, GOT A HENNESSY IN MY HAND—

It was almost eleven. Everyone had migrated to the living room after Ellie finally turned off her summoning demons :0 playlist and allowed your sister to shuffle Spotify’s Top 40 from 2016. After Riley skipped every non-Rihanna song for the first thirty minutes, Abby snatched the phone from her hands and put Drake on. They both were on top of the couch, screaming into wooden spoons like they were microphones while Jesse, Dina, and your sister jokingly popped their backs. 

You had fallen back onto a lounge chair to catch your breath from the rigorous jumping you were doing, watching them all sing their lungs out. 

You had the opportunity to briefly speak to Abby, who dressed up as a bloody Esther, during Riley’s incessant song-skipping since you never had the chance to genuinely talk to her. She excitedly told you about how she and Riley had been best friends since fifth grade and they both met Ellie in middle school. She cringed when she reminisced on the memory of Ellie giving Riley a glitter-riddled macaroni card for Valentine’s Day in seventh grade. Abby and Riley both graduated a year before your sister and friends did and were sophomores at Boston University, her pursuing her hockey career and Riley studying neuroscience. 

The shrilling screams of Dina, Abby, and your sister when Single Ladies blasted through the speakers made you jump in your seat before you got up and made your way into the kitchen for water (and more gummies). Babe you’re not single! you heard Jesse yell to Dina. 

You stood at the counter chomping on the sweets, contemplating when would be the best time to speak to Ellie one-on-one. You'd seen her escape onto the back patio, probably to smoke, you thought. You had never been confrontational, and you didn’t want to say something you regretted like hi ellie i’ve been in love with you for years i’m so sorry for ignoring you and iloveyouiloveyou—

Yeah, you’d probably leave with a black eye from her girlfriend if you did that. Just say you're sorry, don’t be selfish, don’t ruin her birthday, don’t ruin her relationship, you thought. now or never. 

After your mental pep talk, you took a sip from your glass and shoved a handful of the candies in your mouth as a center. You made your way to the back door and onto the patio. Hot ass mask, you thought before ripping it off your head and tossing it onto the glass patio table. 

What you weren’t expecting to see was Cat and Ellie already outside having a conversation, and from where you were standing, it looked intense. 

“Why the fuck are you mad about me hugging her when I haven’t seen her in ages?” 

And you froze. 

“Ellie, if you can’t see that she has the biggest crush on you then you're actually delusional,” Cat spat back at her. “And that wasn’t just a regular hug either! You should’ve seen her face when you grabbed her, it looked like she was about to drop to her knees and propose!” 

They couldn’t see you from where you stood and it would’ve been in your best interest to flee before you passed out from embarrassment and loathing, but your feet had been glued to the ground and you were forced to listen to their harsh exchange. 

“First off, watch your mouth, I’m not fucking delusional,” the birthday girl heatedly said back. “And no she didn’t! And even if she did it doesn’t fucking matter. She's a fucking kid!” 

And you’d felt your heart plummet to your feet. 

The remainder of the candies in your mouth felt like sandpaper and you couldn’t swallow. You felt the all too familiar tremors of your hands start to pick up. 

“Listen,” you heard her tone soften. “I’m in love with you, okay? I love you, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t think about being with anyone else.” 

The sharp gasp you sucked in made both heads turn towards you in shock, and your teary eyes locked with wide, green ones. 

You wanted to fall through the floor and die. 

Cat scoffed and shook her head as if to say see what I mean before she puffed on her—Ellie’s—vape. 

Ellie’s call of your name snapped you out of your stupor, your feet moving before your brain could tell them to, clumsily shuffling your way back into your heartbreaker’s home, sliding the door shut with a loud slam. 

Everyone who’d been dancing jumped at the sound, turning to take in your ruffled state as their energetic smiles slowly dropped in concern. 

“What’s the matter, honey?” Dina said gently over the still loud music. 

Your sister called your name out with worry in her voice. You looked into her eyes with a head shake before you choked out a reply. 

“Can we… I wanna leave, please, now.” 

a/n: heyyyy lol so yeah thats that ig. if anyone even reads or sees this fic plss be nice to me ive never written anything like this b4. idk how long this will be but its def gonna be long,,, lots of ground 2 cover w this universe this game is everything 2 me and so is ellie so ye bye lolz

read pt 2 here :D

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

heyy ari!!

i hope you're having a splendid and enjoyable day today. wanted to ask a very important question‼️

what are your five current favorite songs and/or artists?

very curious to see your favs!!

- 🍒

HI 🍒 ANON !! it’s nice to meet u!! this is a great question…. i’m gonna b honest though when it comes to music i. kinda live under a rock? 😭 i didn’t even start thinking abt my favorite artists until a couple years ago… so that’s. a thing.

i can never keep track of my favorite songs but i do have a couple artists i love that come to mind!! :33 so!! in no particular order……

1/ yorushika

actually i lied yorushika is in fact my number one always and forever if yorushika has a million fans i’m one of them if yorushika has one fan that’s me if yorushika has no fans that means i am no longer on this earth. yorushika is a jpop/jrock band consisting of n-buna (songwriter/musician) and suis (vocalist) and they mean the whole galaxy to me their lyrics are so insanely good i use them for writing inspo all the time and in general they’re just?? so good??? their songs always feel so bittersweet and nostalgic and the instrumentals are soo incredible…. this is my favorite band of all time they fr changed my life i highly recommend checking out any of their songs/albums bc they have literally never missed. I Fucking Love Yorushika.

my favorite songs of theirs are blooming in that summer / hachigatsu, bou, tsukiakari / replicant !! :3 i have a million other favs but i’ll leave it at that..

2/ the front bottoms

i love these guys so bad i do….. i actually know literally nothing abt the band itself but i adore their songs and just. how scratchy and cool the vocalist’s voice is!! idk i’m not good at explaining it i just love their songs sm!! :’3 they have a very specific vibe to them that i can’t pinpoint but it does make me feel like a rabid dog so there’s that <33 if u have any form of daddy issues i’m sure u’ll love them (they’re also EXTREMELY stsg coded hello…)

my favorite songs of theirs are be nice to me / father / funny you should ask !! :3

3/ mitski

we all saw it coming let’s be real i don’t know a single queer jjk fan who doesn’t love mitski we literally owe her everything? jokes aside it actually took me some time to warm up to her songs, at first i only loved her lyrics but eventually i saw The Light. her songs have this specific melancholic vibe that i’ve never found in anything else and i eat it up every single time ….. i adore her instrumentals and her voice and obv her lyrics !! i resonate a lot with them AND i associate them w lots of jjk characters (especially sugu wbk he’s a mitski girlie).. i just really love her !! she’s Mother always and forever :)

my favorite songs of hers are goodbye, my danish sweetheart / a pearl / i’m your man !! :33

4/ ricky montgomery

RICKYYY MY ANGEL ON THIS EARTH i love him so bad. :( he makes me happy. his songs are so comfy so cozy so lovely i just adore them……. they’re very winter-y but also very summer-y i just love them a lot!! and i think his interactions w the jjk/sk8 fandoms are so funny he’s my emotional support artist i think i would probably kill if he asked me to

my favorite songs of his are cabo / california / line without a hook !! :3

5/ beabadobee

what can i even say abt her…. she’s my goddess i think. beabadobee is like mitski in that her songs just have this specific Vibe that nothing else has and it makes me yearn so bad… sooo nostalgic and vibrant i just think she’s so ridiculously good !!! her songs never fail to make me lose it entirely i listen to them often while writing too !!! they’re soooo catchy and wonderful <333

my favorite songs of hers are don’t get the deal / apple cider / cologne !! :3

[levok]

Bored anon run out of content. I saw Skam, HS, YR obv, read RWRB & Song of Achilles, what other movies/series/books you can recommend? Couldn't get into First Kill, found it too cheesy :(

Oh no anon 🫂

From your lineup I assume you’re mostly into queer media. Let me start at the books. I cannot recommend The Beartown trilogy enough!! It’s one of my absolute favorites and you will cry your eyes out. It is not focus around a queer storyline, but does have a gay subplot (pretty prominent in book 2). Book 1 was also made into a HBO show called Beartown. The series is also really good but quite different from the book. And the author’s writing style is the most beautiful and heart wrenching you will ever read.

I also really love the Captive Prince trilogy. Ate it up! It is more fantasy ish, and I loved it even though I don’t like fantasy. It’s pretty gay but also triggering maybe, so be aware of that if that’s an issue for you.

And for series, If you are up for some German, I love love love Charitè at war. It’s on Netflix and is so good - all the storylines are really interesting, not only the gay one. It takes places at a hospital the end of ww2 (but not a war plot per say).

As mentioned with the book I also recommend Beartown on HBO. Also on HBO I really love Generation (100% queer) and We Are Who We Are. The last one is made by Luca Guadagnino, who also made Call Me By Your Name. So if you like the aesthetics of that movie you will love this series. It is so beautiful (and also queer). I really wish i had a whole lineup of things, but these are just ones I really really love. I also assumes you’ve seen a lot of the movies I know, so I don’t know what to recommend there. I know a bunch of good European queer movies, so if you haven’t watched a lot of those let me know (I assume you know all the American and English movies).

[rambler-of-procrastination]

do all :) you obv can leave out any that you’re uncomfortable answering!

yo ty for ask :D

1: Full name rambler of procrastination

2: Age minor

3: 3 Fears people i care about leaving me, idk what else

4: 3 things I love friends, certain family members, the time of the day that nobody is awake and its calm

5: 4 turns on as i am a minor, no ty

6: 4 turns off as i am a minor, no ty

7: My best friend i uh. idk. i have friends but i dont want to say this person #1 yk

8: Sexual orientation queer, polyamorous, and aceflux

9: My best first date never been on a date

10: How tall am I 5'6 ish

11: What do I miss childhood

12: What time were I born idk

13: Favourite color grey

14: Do I have a crush many

15: Favourite quote idk

16: Favourite place uh idk

17: Favourite food im craving lemon cheesecake rn

18: Do I use sarcasm sometimes

19: What am I listening to right now my fan

20: First thing I notice in new person usually their height

21: Shoe size 8 us men

22: Eye color changes colour rn a green

23: Hair color idk how to describe

24: Favourite style of clothing comfortable

25: Ever done a prank call? yeah when i was younger

27: Meaning behind my URL i remember it but too tired to type it out rn sry

28: Favourite movie how am i blanking on this

29: Favourite song tbh i like a lot of songs so-

30: Favourite band ajr

31: How I feel right now tired of everything and upset and sad yeah

32: Someone I love a lot of mutuals

33: My current relationship status single

34: My relationship with my parents its a relationship alright

35: Favourite holiday easter cus i get to see my good family

36: Tattoos and piercing i have no tattoos and i just have my ears pierced rn

37: Tattoos and piercing i want so many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr this account is my 2nd so why not make another yk

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? uh yeah never had one

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? uh idk

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? no

42: When did I last hold hands? never

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? it takes me 10-20 minutes to actually get up but after that its like 5 minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? i dont shave my legs so no

45: Where am I right now? bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? i have no clue

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? changes with each song

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yes currently

49: Am I excited for anything? sleeping tonight

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? this is a weird question

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? every smile

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? i think a month or 3 ago

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? hes in a relationship so idc

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? UH YEAH -

55: What is something I disliked about today? so much man. so much

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? so many mutuals

57: What do I think about most? a lot of mutuals

58: What’s my strangest talent? i can balance coins straight up

59: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

61: What was the last lie I told? that im doing okay

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? with friends video i hate phone calls

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yea

64: Do I believe in magic? its all a trick to the eye

65: Do I believe in luck? sure

66: What’s the weather like right now? no clue its just hot out

67: What was the last book I’ve read? idk

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes

69: Do I have any nicknames? yeah

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? idk as i never go to the docs

71: Do I spend money or save it? both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? nah

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? my blanket

74: Favourite animal? axolotl

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? i forget

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? my last name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? idk

78: How can you win my heart? be a good person

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? idk

80: What is my favorite word? idk

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr not ranking

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? trans rights and (my name) is trans

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? how would i know

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? teleportation

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? a lot

86: What is my current desktop picture? art i made

87: Had sex? no

88: Bought condoms? no

89: Gotten pregnant? no

90: Failed a class? got a d+ in one

91: Kissed a boy? yes

92: Kissed a girl? no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? nah

94: Had job? nah

95: Left the house without my wallet? yeah

96: Bullied someone on the internet? serious bullying? no

97: Had sex in public? nah

98: Played on a sports team? yeah

99: Smoked weed? nah

100: Did drugs? nope

101: Smoked cigarettes? no

102: Drank alcohol? ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no

104: Been overweight? yes (right now)

105: Been underweight? yes

106: Been to a wedding? yeah

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? np

109: Been outside my home country? ye

110: Gotten my heart broken? yea

111: Been to a professional sports game? yes

112: Broken a bone? yes

113: Cut myself? mhm

114: Been to prom? no

115: Been in airplane? yes

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? ajr

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? yes

119: Learned another language? some words

120: Wore make up? yes

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? na

122: Had oral sex? no

123: Dyed my hair? yes

124: Voted in a presidential election? no

125: Rode in an ambulance? nah

126: Had a surgery? idk if it counts as surgery i think no

127: Met someone famous? yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network? no

129: Peed outside? yes

130: Been fishing? yes

131: Helped with charity? yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? no

133: Broken a mirror? yes

134: What do I want for birthday? piercings

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? idk

136: Was I named after anyone? yes

137: Do I like my handwriting? sometimes

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? forget

139: Favourite Tv Show? atypical

140: Where do I want to live when older? idk with my future partners

141: Play any musical instrument? nah

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? rather not say

143: Favourite pizza toping? buffalo chicken

144: Am I afraid of the dark? nah

145: Am I afraid of heights? nah

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yeah-

148: What I’m really bad at math

149: What my greatest achievments are idk

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me rather not say

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery buy nfts /j uh donate a lot of it

152: What do I like about myself fluffy hair

153: My closest Tumblr friend a lot of my mutuals and i are close

154: Something I fantasise about future

155: Any question you’d like? na

[jonathanrook]

legally i have to give you intern 2

em you have awoken an ungodly beast inside me so i need to warn everyone that this post is. incomprehensible. but so is mymusic so i guess we're all used to it.

How I feel about this character:

i watched mymusic as it was airing/running/coming out specifically bc i'm a jack stannie, and as a kid melvin was my second favorite character (w scene being in first, obvs) for mostly that reason. he basically hovered around this ranking until my most recent rewatch in the summer of 2020, which was actually spurred by some events in my personal life that vaguely reminded me of scene's season two arc w jeff, and i thought it'd been a funny/nostalgic way to get my mind off things.

(i want to side note here that -- i know you didn't ask, but -- i love jeff. i have since i was a kid. like, obviously not as a person but i think he's honestly the best written character in the series, w indie close in second. idk what it says about the f*nes that their most interesting and well rounded characters are the villains, but i digress. to this day i'm salty that jeff never got added to the theme song and wasn't really included in promotional merch.)

however, in said rewatch, certain things about how he was written started to really get under my skin, and certain moments in particular have really stuck out to me in a negative way. like, for the entirety of season one and a good chunk of season two he's one person, and then he leaves mymusic and we have an entirely different person, but not in a nuanced character building sort of way.

i've said a few of these points before but i'll repeat them here regardless. at the risk of sounding like i've put on a tin-foil hat, it's my sneaking suspicion that scindie was supposed to be endgame, but since fan reception to it was pretty neutral, and scenechart stans were, at the very least, more vocal, changes were made to the intended finale, which is why in the last scene he's basically just. indie. like, if everything about the show was exactly the same but indie was the one who had ended up w scene in the end that would have made so much more sense since a) scene had a crush on indie that he/everyone knew about and b) indie was kind of a dick despite the half-assed attempts at redemption, so both combined make it slightly less weird/out-of-nowhere that he kisses her w/o her consent (since, even though like. implied consent is not real at worst and a fuzzy subject at best but you could argue that scene would want indie to kiss her); and this isn't even taking into consideration that c) melvin is heavily queer-coded in both seasons, with his friendship with nerdcore being, dare i say, homoerotic at times, and his arc about leaving the company and changing his name mirroring nerdcore's almost perfectly (with nerdcore being a character who b*nny [at least] has all but confirmed is actually gay).

i've also been on the fence about melvin's behavior in that final scene making more sense for indie's character being an intentional decision as a way of shoe-horning in a theme about the lasting effects of abuse/cycles of abuse/the corruption of power but i also don't think the f*nes are smart enough for that. however, for the sake of defending my straw theory, i also point to the scene where indie comes to visit the acid factory after melvin told him to shut up, and we see melvin use reggie as a foot-stool, going as far as to say that it feels good to do so (which, in all honesty, i think is a bit that was entirely improvised, since the f*nes were "notorious for never saying cut" [paraphrased from a bts video], but work w me here). he's also given a seltzer mug that perfectly resembles indie's kombucha mug. in these moment melvin is directly emulating the behavior of his previous abuser, purposefully or not, literal moments after being promoted to an equal position of authority, which was totally just included as a joke, but could also be argued is meant to show that he's becoming indie; or, if we acknowledge that the f*nes have no fucking clue what they're doing and were just directing like chickens with their heads cut off, it at least shows that melvin's new position of power is leading him to understand where indie was coming from, which is supported by their conversation in the finale.

the following contains a couple brief mentions of irl sexual assault so if that's something you'd like to avoid skip to the next section!

HOWEVER, that alone isn't what i have a problem with, since i think melvin is completely justified in being a dick to indie (and also reggie enthusiastically consents to being used as an ottoman so good for him i guess). the issue comes completely in how he treats scene in the scenes where the f*nes clearly thought what they were writing was super romantic. like, the fact that the only thing he's got hung on his cubicle wall is a single picture of scene taken from the fucking opening credits (like. how hard would it have been to have. literally any other photo[s] esp since there's an abundance of cute bts pics of the cast in costume that could have been put there) and him scrolling through her twitter at work really creep me out (and at the risk of oversharing the weird, like, social media stalking angle really fucks w me bc that may or may not have been the exact fucking thing i was trying to escape in rewatching mymusic in the first place). also, having him sexually assault scene as a means of comforting her after she had just been sexually assaulted in the same way by someone else was... a choice (which is also, uh, personally familiar).

again, i recognize that demonizing melvin wasn't what the f*nes were trying to do here, and i perhaps seem hypocritical for opening liking jeff, but what makes jeff work is he's intentionally "the bad guy." having melvin do the same things as indie and jeff uncritically only proves further that the f*nes can't write for shit, and ruins his character which had, up until he quit mymusic, been unironically good. like, it's obviously not beneficial that the exact asshole things he does are personally triggering, but the character would still be a mess and i would still dislike him regardless.

i want to say though that jack delivers a surprisingly great performance despite how shoddily his character is constructed and how little experience he has as an actor. like, it's clear he was having a lot of fun on set and i would love to see him in something, like, good; i think he could pull off even like, guest television roles, which is a lot more than can be said for other youtubers.

-----

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

nerdchart should have been canon i'm sorry. i know that close, nonromantic male friendships are valuable, esp between queer men, but also gd wouldn't it have been baller to have a canon interracial mlm ship. like. c'mon. and they could have been such a good friends to lovers story! we already got to see how melvin was the only person nerdcore could really be himself around so it would have been so cool if melvin's self-advocacy arc/flowchart arc had revolved more around nerdcore with a little role-reversal! and then they kiss! like god intended!

also i ship him and indie bc i'm a grubby little gremlin man ohoho. enemies w weird sexual tension? sign me up. not even enemies to lovers i'm not saying this one should have been canon i just love the vibes. do you think melvin and indie ever explored each other's bod-- *gunshot*

-----

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

i wish him and scene had just been bros. god remember in season one when they were just bros that was the life.

alternatively, i wish we'd seen more bonding w him and metal, as a means of reconciling that. uh. moment from season one. along similar lines i would have loved to see him get closer w rayna in a similar way to how she bonded w nerdcore in season two. i think that could have also worked to show how she'd grown between the two seasons.

-----

My unpopular opinion about this character:

HIM. AND. SCENE. SHOULD. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. BROS. (though i think my general dislike of him is pretty unpopular, lmao).

when the show was coming out i don't think it's unfair to say that scenechart/scenetern 2 was the most popular ship (aside from potentially techstep whatever) but luckily we're all gay and have better taste now. unfortunately i totally fell into this camp and scenechart was even my otp for years (until it was arguably more unfortunately usurped by reddie in 2019) and i didn't even realise that it's a hot mess until, again, the summer of 2020.

when actually watching the show the choices the f*nes made in regards to how the ship actually became canon are so odd and out of place, too? okay, so, on one hand everyone just shipped scenechart bc it was the whitest hettiest ship in the show (esp in season two when idol left) aside from scindie (and we already discussed what's wrong w that). but, on the other hand, lainey and jack clearly also just got along? and i suspect that lainey probably also admired jack's work and was happy to be working with him bc we have so many shots throughout even the first season when the ship wasn't the intended endgame of lainey scene looking really fondly at jack melvin at times when it doesn't make much sense at all, esp since she's smitten w indie? this trend continues into the second season which arguably works but it still seems really out of place for him to be the one to ultimately make the first move on her since it's clear she was the one crushing this whole time and also he's gay! this bitch is gay what the fuck!!

-----

One thing I wish had happened with this character in canon:

at this point i'm struggling to think of anything i haven't covered yet. oops.

i've talked at length before about how he should have been a woman/lesbian, but the tl;dr is that it would have solved a lot of the queer-coding "problems" that just didn't get resolved in the show. if he'd been a lesbian then not only would the friendship w nerdcore still made sense, but scenechart would have as well (not even mentioning that both of scene's other relationships w men make a lot of sense as comphet anyway).

[thelovers-thedreamers-and-me]

Get to know me uncomfortably well: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100

jesus christ

put under a cut because i want to make absolutely sure nobody reads this massive amount of information and also did you ask for EVERY NUMBER EXCEPT 69

1. What is you middle name?

marie

2. How old are you?

28

3. When is your birthday?

november 9 and i bet you didn’t even get me a present, you absolute monster

4. What is your zodiac sign?

scorpio

5. What is your favorite color?

i like jewel tones in general, my fave right now is dark green

6. What’s your lucky number?

i don’t really have one, tbh

7. Do you have any pets?

i do not, unfortunately. i hope to at some point soonish but a lot of that is gonna depend on how my situation shakes out

8. Where are you from?

st. john’s, newfoundland

9. How tall are you?

5′4″

10. What shoe size are you?

9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

i’m not getting up but like 7? i need to get a new pair for working in and i will be getting rid of the ones i don’t wear so that number is in flux

already answered 12

13. What talents do you have?

none, really. but i’m alright at knitting and generally, like, figuring out how physical objects work and go together. my friends also tens to enjoy the games i run so that’s nice.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

bitch read my mind and find out

15. Favorite song?

i cannot express how impossible it is for me to pick ONE FUCKING SONG that’s my favorite. here’s 5 i always go back to, though!

my tyrant- felix hagan and the family

northbound- grace petrie

staring at the sun- mika

too much- carly rae jepsen

vampire money- my chemical romance

already answered 16

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

well there’s the mushy option in which i name names, but i resolutely refuse to do that since i’ve been informed nobody cares about how queer i am. but generally, i tend towards people i can feel comfortable around. despite me being a huge slut for interacting with people, there’s very few that project the kind of atmosphere that lets me really just chill and start thinking about trusting them.

18. Do you want children?

jesus no don’t put me in charge of a child

19. Do you want a church wedding?

jesus no, even the wedding part of that sounds less than ideal

20. Are you religious?

lmao nah

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yeah, a few times

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

well i have a background check going through right now that’ll answer that for me but i think i have not ever been caught for my many crimes

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

a few- i met russell crowe on a set once, and there’s a good few smaller time canadians i’ve met just, like, around

24. Baths or showers?

i usually go for showers because i am living in a place with an insufficient bathtub setup, but i have been known to enjoy a nice bath now and again

25. What color socks are you wearing?

bold of you to assume i put on socks when i’m not going out

26. Have you ever been famous?

bitch i’m famous now everyone else just doesn’t know it yet

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

probably not, i like the act of grocery shopping and going to shitty bars and disappearing, and i couldn’t do that if i was a proper celebrity

28. What type of music do you like?

loud and i can imagine myself being in a cool music video when i walk places listening to it

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

well yeah obv

already answered 30

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

usually on my side curled up around something, either a person if i’m lucky or a pillow

32. How big is your house?

the apartment is not big enough atm

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

i don’t usually eat breakfast at all tbh

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

no but i have held one once

35. Have you ever tried archery?

once in high school gym class. i did...... bad

36. Favorite clean word?

i like words that describe the way dragonfly wings look. diaphenous and iridescent and things.

37. Favorite swear word?

i’ve always been a fan of a good solid fuck, and you can quote me on that

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

two days, i think?

39. Do you have any scars?

yep

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

yeah but they were prolly goofing

41. Are you a good liar?

not under most circumstances

42. Are you a good judge of character?

no, but not in the usual way. i tend to assume people have a lot more hidden motives than they do. like, obviously you don’t want to be FRIENDS with me, you just are PRETENDING for SOME REASON

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

yeah, as a matter of fact, i can do them ALL AT ONCE

44. Do you have a strong accent?

most of the time no, but when i’m talking to people with a strong accent from back home mine slips back

already answered 45

46. What is your personality type?

while i rarely get consistent answers, i just took the myers-briggs again and got enfp so there’s something

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i don’t own much that’s super expensive tbh, i’m broke as shit. my boots cost like 60 bucks and i stressed about that for ages

48. Can you curl your tongue?

yeah, i can do a lot with it

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

nah

52. Favorite food?

there’s so much food i love! i do have dumplings i am excited to eat tho

53. Favorite foreign food?

again, there’s so much! i am really craving a good currry today i guess?

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

a bit messy, especially with stuff that isn’t, like, a hygenic risk. if things are just out of place i don’t tend to register that as the same level of unclean as, like, food messes

55. Most used phrased?56. Most used word?

these two are ones my friends could probably answer more reliably than me. i do say i’m not a doctor tho

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

not long, unless i’ve decided it’s a makeup day and i want to do something dumb and fancy

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i talk a big game, but not really, i’m pretty down on myself a lot

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

succ

60. Do you talk to yourself?

mmhmm- specifically, rehearsing conversations that will never happen

61. Do you sing to yourself?

sometimes, when i’m in a good mood

62. Are you a good singer?

absolutely not

63. Biggest Fear?

there’s a few, but i’d say the biggest one i’ve had the longest is a loss of identity of some sort. like, just not recognizing the people around me, that sort of thing. it’s gotten a bit intense recently due to events but yeah

64. Are you a gossip?

not really- like, i will gladly listen to your drama but i only really talk about it to other people if it actually affects me

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

oof jesus, i tend to watch more shitty horror movies than anything else bc i’m hot trash

66. Do you like long or short hair?

both are fine on other people, but short hair is way better for me

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

just did a quiz and only got 40. i didn’t even remember all the ones i had been to so that’s cool. you guys have too many states anyway

68. Favorite school subject?

i was your standard weird queer kid who imprinted on my english teachers

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

nah

71. What makes you nervous?

so many things tbh

72. Are you scared of the dark?

nope

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

depends on the person and the mistake, really.

74. Are you ticklish?

fuck off

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i don’t think so?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

i’m a dungeon master, does that counts

77. Have you ever drank underage?

yeop

78. Have you ever done drugs?

yeop

79. Who was your first real crush?

my best friend in elementary school. i wanted her and i to get married to brothers so that we could live next door to each other and have sleepovers every night because i really liked sleeping next to her and doing her hair

hoo boy baby bobbie (i even knew lesbians as a kid! i grew up in such an accepting family! i have no excuse for being so repressed)

80. How many piercings do you have?

just one ear

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

not competently

82. How fast can you type?

pretty fast- i did take a test recently that came back at 68 wpm so my goal is now to get one word faster

83. How fast can you run?

fuck running

84. What color is your hair?

black with green bits, i post a lot of selfies, you know that

85. What color is your eyes?

grayish blue

86. What are you allergic to?

nothing that i know of. undefeated

87. Do you keep a journal?

i post on tumblr a lot

88. What do your parents do?

my mom works in communications- she used to work in politics but now she works for a non-profit because the staff of the party she worked for was, in her words, a “sack of vipers”

my dad was a journalist and a photographer. he was the editor for the paper back home for a long time, and then after that he did a lot of advocacy work for MS. he ran for office a few times. you know, like you do.

89. Do you like your age?

it’s alright. like, i got troubles but i accept that none of that is because i’m 28 and mostly just because i got myself into a dumb situation

90. What makes you angry?

mostly when people don’t seem to care about how their actions affect others. like, i can almost accept malice easier than a profit motive

91. Do you like your own name?

it’s not bad, and i haven’t really hit on any that i like more than bobbie

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

lmao nope

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

i want the child to be born to someone who is not me

94. What are you strengths?

not very many tbh i kinda suck as a human person. i am pretty good at compartmentalizing and staying kinda functional when shit goes down

95. What are your weaknesses?

all of them. specifically, i’m hard to motivate and i got depression

96. How did you get your name?

i was named after my grandmother

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

i know at least one was a criminal. i do have a kickass family crest and tartan tho

98. Do you have any scars?

they haven’t faded since i answered question 39

99. Color of your bedspread?

there’s a gray one and i have a blue weighted blanket i use sometimes

100. Color of your room?

the whole apartment is beige

[sparklebitch]

Dan and Phil’s Impact

Okay this is going to be long and rambling because I’m trying to type it on my phone in the car and my thoughts are all over the freaking place and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read the whole thing I’ll put a tldr at the end lmao.

So first of all I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since like? 2014~ And for a while there wasn’t a minute that went by where I didn’t think about them. Their videos got me through so much shit in my life. Even dumb video game videos were like my reprieve from real life. And yeah a lot of stuff was super cringy and I was definitely borderline one of those creepy people that wanted to know everything about their lives (obvs not anymore lol) but that aside they were such good freaking influences on me? I looked up to them so much and, sure, I have a lot of role-model-worthy people in my life, but no one like them.

Everyone around me is so aggressively religious (although a lot of them are totally cool about it and not bad peoples !! But the rest of them are total dicks) and I felt like I couldn’t... question myself I guess? About literally anything. I felt like I couldn’t question religion, sexuality, the things I liked, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It was like everyone’s lives revolved around church stuff and people were basically born knowing what they were going to do? And there I was, an awkward, sexually confused, homeschooler who had 2 friends that she wasn’t even that close to. I felt like I was the only one in the world like this. Everyone seemed to have a place in the world, except me. I often thought that maybe it was a mistake that I was in this world, that there was some cosmic screw up and that I was never meant to be born. I felt incomplete and it was so confusing and horrible. I was sure that that feeling was never going to go away. I had no one to talk to, no one to explain to me that it was okay to screw up. It wasn’t the end of the world to question things or yourself, everything was going to be okay. All I wanted in my life was for someone to tell me that.

Then I found Dan and Phil. And yeah, they’re two British boys on the internet that will never know who I am. But that’s okay. They don’t need to know me to have an impact on my life. I mean, who’s ever been impacted by a song? A movie, a book, an actor, an artist? The human race is always searching for someone or something to look up to. Religion, famous people, a father figure, a friend. Someone. And that’s what they were to me.

People didn’t understand what it was that I liked about them. And, if I’m being 100% honest, I guess I didn’t really know either. Sure, they’re funny, and the chemistry between the two is very compelling but there was just something about them that spoke to me. I loved them. More than I had loved anything in my life. I looked up to them, and listened to the things they said, listened to the things they believed it. Through them I discovered so many of the things that I love in my life. I started writing and drawing because of them! It’s crazy to think that I am the person that I am today because of them. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t watched their videos.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now as I’m finishing up getting my General Associates and I’m in the process of starting a daycare with my older sister. It’s a lot for me to process because for the longest time all I wanted to do was get away from here. I wanted to go somewhere and be someone new. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized that’s not what I actually wanted. I love my family and my friends, I love living here (aside from the bigots but they’re everywhere so there’s no escaping them). What I really, truly wanted was to be myself. It wasn’t my family and this town that I wanted to get away from, it was the me that I was pretending to be. I just wanted to be myself, that was all. I didn’t care if it was in a big town with new people, i just wanted people to know me. I wish I knew this back then, then maybe I wouldn’t have gone into a tailspin when I was getting ready for college but hindsight I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I finished high school it was like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself or do anything on my own. All I knew was that I was not straight, seemingly surrounded by homophobes, and I was very very tired. So, toward the end of summer my mom pushed me enrolled me at a community college near home (which I am grateful for lol) and then I was going to transfer to a university after 2 years. Things started to feel better after that. Around that time I also started taking medication for depression and anxiety and it has only completely changed my life. No longer am I the super quiet painfully awkward person who’s so afraid to say something wrong that she instead stays silent, not telling anyone about my interests or passions in fear that I would be ridiculed, hiding core parts of me while the whole world passes by. I was talking and making jokes, I wasn’t constantly terrified to talk to people or to even simply leave my house to go places. Things were better. I was happier!

But as the time for me to transfer to a university drew near that paralyzing feeling crept back into my skin. I hated my classes. I hated college. I was suddenly plunged back into the world of endlessly scrolling through social media and watching the same shows on tv over and over, isolating myself from everyone and everything trying to ignore the world around me. I felt like everything was hopeless again. I was only occasionally watching dan and Phil videos at this time, having very reluctantly grown away from them (it was a sad day when I realized that I didn’t care if I skipped a video or two. I literally cried that day). But I was bored then, so I started watching their videos again. This was around the time that dan posted his video on depression (that’s a while other long ass post I could make but probably won’t because I’m already tired of typing) and i damn near called my mom (even though she was just downstairs) on the spot to tell her what I was feeling. Hearing that there was someone else out there that felt like I was was enough. But not only that, he explained that recovery is not a straight road. There are twists and turns, there are setbacks. It’s not like I was going to get better and everything was going to magically be awesome all the time. Some stuff was going to suck. I was going to go through shitty times and that was okay.

Because of him, I ended up going back to the doctor and explaining that my meds weren’t working anymore, and I got it taken care of. I feel so much fucking better now than I did before, and I know that it’s okay if I don’t always feel this way. I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to a university and they were okay with it, provided that I finished my 2 year degree at the community college. And while some things still suck, and I’m still worried about my future and whether or not I’m going to meet someone and fall in love, things are absolutely positively 1000% better than they have ever been. And a lot of it is thanks to them. Obviously it was me who actually took the steps I needed to to get here, but it was because of their being my role model that I had the courage to get where I am today.

Dan and Phil have such a unique platform and following. They could say jump and so many people would (metaphorically ofc) jump off the cliff, me included. But they don’t do that. They use their fame to positively impact people. They use their platform to encourage people and talk about important things in life. They share things about their lives in the hopes that it will help even 1 person out there... and I’m not the only one who they’ve positively impacted. The number of people that owe everything to them is crazy.

Okay so now I’m going to go a little bit into labels. (Not too much tho I’m seriously tired of typing lol). Dan talked about them a lot in his video. An entire freaking chapter of it was dedicated to labels. When I was younger I knew that I liked girls. I liked boys too though, so I just shrugged it off as Really wanting to be friends with girls. I didn’t know what the word gay meant until I was like 12 because I was a very sheltered child. My parents never talked about it and the only time I ever remember hearing the word before then was when one of my siblings called another sibling “gay” at the dinner table. The only thing I knew about the word was that my parents Did Not Like it. While I eventually stumbled onto the internet and learned a Lot of things, and a lot about labels, I became overwhelmed. There were so many words with so many meanings, and lot of times people didn’t agree on what the literal definition was. (Like bisexual meaning Only men+women vs. just like.. more than just 2+ genders) So for a long time I identified as pansexual because.. I didn’t know what to do. And based on my experiences on the internet, being bi was basically saying that you were excluding people. Idk it was fucked. The label ‘pan’ didn’t really feel like it fit me either, but it worked for the time being.

Dan’s comments on labels really got me thinking. I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but I don’t really know about bisexual either. When he said that he loved to use the word queer it just.. fucking hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks. I literally couldn’t breath. And it’s not like I’ve never heard people use the word queer. Tons of people identify as queer. But it was just something about the way he explained it? And maybe it was just the fact that it was him explaining it because, as I said before, I look up to him. He has a huge impact on my life. Saying queer gives me comfort. It feels less... restrictive I guess, for a lack of better words. I don’t know if this will be /the/ label for me, but that’s not the point. There doesn’t have to be a label for me. I, no one, should have to be pressured into finding a label so that other people have something to call you?? Fuck labels. Fuck people who pressure you into picking one. You be you.

So, in conclusion (honestly I feel like this has all been so incoherent I apologize) I don’t want to hide forever. I don’t. I hope that some day I can have even a fraction of the courage that Dan has to tell the people that I care about who I truly am. And the first step is telling someone.

So, to everyone who sees it here, most of which probably know or don’t care,

I’m bisexual, bitch. And I use the word queer.

It took so much fucking courage for dan to post that video and I have crazy amounts of respect for that man. I’ve said it a thousand times already, but I’m going to say it again. I’m so. Fucking. Proud of him. And I know he’s probably going to get thousands of stories like this one (if he hasn’t gotten that many already) but I’m going to tag him anyway. @danielhowell , you’ve changed my life. You’ve changed millions of people’s of lives for the better. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.

Tldr; dnp mean everything to me, even though I’ve grown away from them, they have been and always be a big part of who I am and i am so fucking proud of Dan.

[hana-umag]

lucy dacus, home video (2021)

ok edit opinion on this has changed completely i am now obsessed with this album. i think hot & heavy was on my discover weekly and it just spiraled from there.

I feel like hot & heavy + cartwheel are similar in their extensive use of harmonies but obvs the former is much mroe lush in its arrangement,,, the way the production steps up when she says “led me to then floor even though im not a dancer” is just. chefs kiss.

i also really love first time. i feel like the imagery in the beginning of the song where she talks about drooling on the kitchen tile etc is very evocative

my favorite lyrical moments are (unsurprisingly) in brando. especially “you admit you think we’re fated/ i’ll be lucky if i’m your third wife” like damn that hurts !!! i also like the structure of the song a lot-- i feel like each of the verses build on each other really well to the point that it feels like a theme is really developing

honestly,, the one track that’s kind of a miss is partner in crime. i get what she was trying to do with the autotune like produce an air of alienation and distance but in actuality it just sounds disjointed, especially when considered in the context of the rest of the episode.

generally though this album is amazing,,, there’s a coherence to it, both sonically and lyrically that holds up really well to the example set by historian,,, i love u lucy dacus

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OLD REVIEW [bad]: look this is not my FAVORITE lucy dacus albim but damn does it hit i feel like it must rlly capture that repressed queer christian girl vibe and i love that it feels so small town core like damn this is so personal

[lemonadelarry]

Hello! So, @alwaysxyou tagged me in this pretty cool 24 question thingy so I thought I would do it :) 

Rules: answer the questions and tag 20 people. 

(I am a rule breaker so I tagged a ton of people so feel free to do your own even if you aren’t tagged!) @icedtealouis @mysmollou @bby-boyfriends @larry-in-the-clouds @vashappeningbabe @babyhoneyjpg @thatsallkhori @igottagetbetter @shesanonlyangel @sweetcreture21 @goldfishsunglasses @melodramaticmara @suicidaltomlinson @louisinfatuation @moonboops @cloudshl @gaylienharry @sweetcreatureofficial @starknaiked @pinklaceylarry @honey-larry @hilourry @cowboyharrie @violeblanche @littleladylouis @latenightlarrythoughts @messedblog @medicine-mp4 @medicinehoney @yoursincerlylouis @velvetnoodle @im-team-bullshit @cant-compete-with-my-boyfriend @haus-of-piss @dizzykiwis @band--enthusiast @longlivelarrie @cactustyles @adoredlou @guccigayandadidas @boxoffries @hazzardstyles @theleavesoflorien @lesbianslovelarry @larrysleeds and whoever else wants to!

1.) Nicknames? Umm, I don’t really have any relevant ones. My mom used to call me “boo” and “tweety” and my gf now calls me “baba” <3

2.) Gender? Female 

3.) Star sign? Taurus!

4.) Height?  5′7ish

5.) Current time? 3:09 am b/c I am a bad seed who stays up late on my days off

6.) Birthday? May 10th

7.) Fave bands? One Direction, The 1975, P!ATD, MCR, Superfruit!

8.) Fave Solo Artists? obvs solo ot4, Troye Sivan, (idk if he counts but Marshmello) and probably more but I can’t think

9.) Song currently stuck in my head? Honestly, “The Chain” by Fleetwood Mac

10.) Last movie watched? Oh god, Rent?! I think it was Rent.

11.) Last TV show watched? Queer Eye! (So good.)

12.) Why I created my blog? Well, my friend (now gf) helped me see the light about how reddit is a shit hole and I’m glad I listened to her!

13.) What do I post/reblog? Mostly 1D and Louis/Harry/larry stuff, also some more personal things. 

14.) Last thing I googled? Periscope for those damn links to harry’s show!

15.) Other blogs? Yes, a nsfw wlw blog! @tranquil-creek

16.) Why the URL?! I love larry. I love lemonade (the drink). It goes nicely with my gf’s url.

17.) I follow? 3,728 blogs... I believe a lot are inactive though! Gotta work on that.

18.) Followers? I am getting close to 2K! Thank you for everyone that takes interest in my blog/likes the stuff I reblog :) It means the world to me!

19.) Lucky #’s? 11 and 15

20.) Play any instruments? The piano a little.

21.) What am I wearing? A pj set I just bought! Very comfy.

22.) Dream job? I hope to be a social worker some day in the future! 

23.) Last book I read? I believe it was “Left Neglected” but I can’t remember the author!

24.) Top 3 universes! 1: zero hatred/racism/discrimination/etc. 2:  L+H being wholeheartedly themselves. 3: No one ever feels left out. 

==============================================================

Sorry it is so long! I had fun though and hope someone else does too!

[chellyfishing]

since i’m procrastinating and self-absorbed like any responsible adult, i’m going to share some anecdotes about characters i identify with and the moment i put my head in hands and stopped trying to deny it

so tales obvs has quite a few. god help me i refuse to say leon magnus but i mean if sweets are on the table well. in symphonia it’s presea, for reasons i kinda don’t feel like getting into because they’re boring and also things i’m still not dealing with but suffice it to say i empathize with her a great deal and i would protect her with my life.

also amusingly the other tara strong tales character, norma, is another one i feel in my bones. i was a really cynical moody child but as i got older i adopted a more sanguine attitude. i know this is probably hard to believe given i’ve suffered quite a bit of negative character growth in the last few years but when i’m at my best (or just the right amount of drunk) i basically am norma, chatty and cheerful and doing/saying anything for a laugh. i make up tuneless songs and order people to dance for me. i also feel anise a lot. i think i was even stamped as her in an lj community, probably because i am poor and obsessed with money.

i relate to pascal because both of us are hard to follow in conversation. we get distracted by shiny things and how they work. and of course there’s her relationship with fourier, which is a lot like mine with my sister if i had a sister which i don’t. but i’m the eccentric smart one and my sister is the older not as smart bossy resentful one. the difference here is fourier actually realizes her faults and gets over herself, which is not something i can say i relate to at all.

then of course there’s rita. let me tell you about rita. first of all she has this one victory quote, i forget what she says but it’s really dismissive and she kinda waves you off and turns away to get back to reading her book. i am the master of the handwave away and ignore. it’s probably one of my most used gestures. she does all her problem-solving in her head, to the point of distraction--there’s even a point where she’s like, “no, we can go, i have everything i need up here.” the part that really makes me cry is the scene at the start of part 3 when she meets up with yuri for the first time after he pseudo-dies. i think she kind of runs by and doesn’t even notice them at first, then when she does see them, you can see her putting the pieces together but completely out of order, like, wait, i know you, wait, you’re here, wait, why are you here?, wait, didn’t you die? also feelings about yuri aside, the way they play responsibility hot potato is so relatable. also, we even have similar coloring and are both small and angry.

edna is pretty straightforward. i mean first of all she’s an earthbender and a cat. giving people silly nicknames, making up bullshit, and trolling are all hobbies of mine, though i am not as good at it as she is, but she’s got a few centuries on me. i love umbrellas and would happily use them to beat people up. also neither of us is particularly demonstrative or excitable. (i mean, i do get wound up, but most of the time my feelings are pretty flat and low-key, and i usually only notice it when i’m around other people.)

in fire emblem, erk is relatable because i too occasionally forget to eat and sleep for long stretches of time. my one true soulmate is lute, though. here’s an anecdote: lute does this thing in a couple of her supports where she abruptly leaves in the middle of a conversation without a word. i thought, “at least i’m not that bad.” then one day i was talking to my mom and right in the middle of the conversation i remembered i meant to bring my water glass to refill and i walked off without a second thought. i was halfway down the hallway before i realized what i’d done and then i gave up on everything.

one time i accidentally the nico di angelo. i’m still coming to terms with this one.

april ludgate. i feel like i don’t really need to say anything more, just, april ludgate.

also okay elementary sherlock. i definitely tried to deny it for awhile but then came the episode with the hearing after marcus is shot. first there’s the part where he has to tell this whole story because CONTEXT, PEOPLE, and everybody’s like just answer the question and sherlock says something like, i AM answering the question, just more accurately than you asked. look, there are some questions that have easy concise answers and there are some questions which require a great amount of detail to answer properly. also, the prosecutor or whatever asks him what he wants in return for his service and sherlock says something like, “a thank you would be nice” and not only did i predict the line before he said it I STILL TO THIS DAY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS WAS APPARENTLY AN AWFUL THING TO SAY??? i literally do not get it.

in mass effect there’s mordin solus

but he talks out loud a lot (albeit in sentence fragments which again relatable) and also can carry a tune. mostly i relate to samantha traynor, because mm, analyzing data, and i have to be reminded to take credit for my achievements because they always seem so insignificant especially compared to what the people around me are capable of.

oh and pinkie pie, who is norma beatty in pony form except not the one played by tara strong this time

that’s all i can think of but let’s all take a moment to contemplate the sheer amount of queer represented here.

[ladyloveandjustice]

The ship questions for Ace Attorney, with Nick/Miles for the pairing specific questions?

wow, that’s meaty! okay!

what is your absolute favorite ship? is it even a question? Nick/Miles.

what ship do you hate most?  I’m sure there are tons of terrible ones, but Nick/Maya is a…somewhat popular one that skeeves me. they are so much like siblings i cannot even fathom. also agreed about Ema/Nahyuta she does not deserve that. And Simon/Athena he’s like her big bro it’s weird.

explain why you ship Nick/Miles? It’s pretty hard to come outta Ace Attorney NOT shipping them, Nick literally changed his entire life path for Miles and Miles’ life was transformed by him and their ~passionate rivalry~ is a huge staple of the series and they’re also just a LOT OF FUN in the way they bounce off each other and know each other well, can get under each other’s skin yet are always there for each other when it counts, so petty yet so loving, flirting all the time, every other sentence is “WOW, MARRIEDS”.

how did you start shipping Nick/Miles? As soon as Miles showed up I knew this was probably gonna be a thing but ~unnecessary feelings~ cemented it.

is there a ship that you used to ship, but don’t anymore? Not really? 

what’s a ship you like that most people don’t? I dunno, pretty much most lady combos will appeal to me so there’s probs some.

what’s a ship you hate that most people like? if we’re talking the actual writers, Mia and Godot definitely counts.

what is the most underrated ship, in your opinion? idk!

what is the most overrated ship, in your opinion? idk, any of the pairings i don’t like lol.

do you prefer Nick/Miles as an otp, brotp, or notp? otp obvs they’ve got a tag and everything.

why do you think Nick/Miles is so popular? Pretty much all the things i’ve listed, their relationship is intense, lifechanging, passionate, a staple of the series, how could it NOT be popular.

rate Nick/Miles from 1-10 and explain why. 10. Ya got history, chemistry and improving each other as people as well as seeing them go from confused newbs to an old married couple.

what’s your favorite headcanon of Nick/Miles? There are a lot out there. For sads, that they fought over Phoenix giving up on being a lawyer during the hobo years. For happies, any “trucy’s two dads” bits and them yelling “OBJECTION” or arguing like they’re in court during daily life (the comic where nick does the handslam on top of Miles hands is so GOOD)

what’s your favorite canon moment of Nick/Miles? THAT’S TOUGH. I’ll go with “I’ll leave it in your capable hands, partner”. It’s adorable and kind of the culmination of their arc in the trilogy. BASICALLY WHERE THEY GET MARRIED.

favorite AU ideas for Nick/Miles? I like the mafia and the baker one and the Parent Trap one is fun too.

rant about Nick/Miles. MY LIVEBLOGS HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THAT.

what’s a meme/quote that reminds you of [pairing]? Prozd’s “nice ASS-sessment of the case…goddammit” comes to mind NOT SURE IF THAT COUNTS SINCE HE TAGGED IT ACE ATTORNEY BUT.

What song(s) remind you of Nick/Miles? Conveniently, they are collected in a playlist.

What kind of dates do you think Nick/Miles would go on? COURTROOM DATES. Seriously though, I think their dates are pretty lowkey. Stuff like Trucy’s magic show. Dragging Nick to see the Steel Samurai stage show or whatever event (Maya comes a lot of the time). Nick making Miles watch romantic comedies and boring him out of his skull. Half the time Maya or someone will end up tagging along and it won’t even be a thing, they’ve settled into each other that much.Miles tried a fancy restaurant once, it was a disaster, so they don’t really do stuff like that. I know it’s supplementary canon Nick invited miles to a cherry blossom viewing so that might be a yearly tradition.

realistically, do you think Nick/Miles will ever be canon? why or why not? Almost definitely not. It’s a queer pairing after all, and capcom knows they can do fine just heavily hinting. But as nice as it’d be representation-wise and as happy as it would make me, it doesn’t really matter to me as much as others do for it to be ~official~ , it’s basically canon to me and it’s so accepted by most of the fandom it even FEELS official.

have you ever written fanfiction/drawn fanart of  Nick/Miles? would you consider it? wrote a short angsty fic. Would definitely do some more if/when I feel like it!