#Tho admittedly i did get off vibes from him when he asked me what i do and cut me off like a sentence in to explain that hes a scientist

[suffarustuffaru]

Scrolling through your blog is such a fun experience, you bring an absolutely great vibe to this fandom and I love it SO MUCH. Could even say you restored my hope in it, since there has been some aspects that made me force myself to leave it, and I hope me bringing one of them up here won't upset anyone.

Now I completely understand if you wish to not answer my ask, but I figured it's worth a shot. So, one of said aspects was a controversy regarding one of the rezero characters that made me feel like you can't mention them without being called names (mostly on tiktok, but other social media also, tho not as much).

Yeah I'm talking about Felix. I'm not transphobic by any means, and I'm fine with people headcannoning whatever they want, but seeing thousands of people calling others transphobic for calling Felix a 'he' made me so unsafe I forced myself to look for other interest. Which is funny since most of the people saying this weren't even part of the fandom. I was wondering if anyone else here had similar situations and just.. how do you deal with it? It seems silly, I know, but feeling like I can't speak about a rather important character from a media I love made me so upset.

No matter how much I tried explaining it, they either dismiss it or say Tappei made him a trans girl without knowing.

Now, if you do decide to answer this and say that Felix indeed may have been 'trans coded' a little bit (Did I used that term correcly? Idk) I'll understand (hell, I would probably agree, you character analysis are great), I'm just upset at the absolute lack of respect for any other way of referring to Felix other then she/her.

(Also in case people don't know, their proof of Felix being a trans girl is the scene from EX1, with the whole calling himself a girl in front of a mirror thing)

Sorry for this is being long and probably messy I just had to get this off my chest.. also I hope I didn't came of as offensive in any way, if I did I'm really sorry.

hi there anon! first of all - aw thank you for your compliments about me and my blog. im super passionate about rezero (though thats probably super clear to anyone whos seen any content i make for a while aljsdlkf) and well. ive been lurking about in this fandom since summer 2020 so i definitely understand having to leave/distance yourself from this fandom because outside of tumblr, the rezero fandom is kind of . well. to put it simply, theres a lot of metaphorical landmines unfortunately!! T^T and admittedly i wouldve left this fandom a lot sooner if i didnt stick to my own corner and curate spaces with other people who were super chill (like lots of people lurking about here on tumblr + rz tumblr in general!!). so i totally understand how you feel anon (and youre not silly for being upset, i promise!), though admittedly im not super super familiar with some rezero spaces (such as rz twitter) bc i 1. dont speak japanese and 2. i try very hard to avoid the negativity whenever possible!! T^T

and also i apologize for taking a while to answer your ask!! you're one of my older asks that kinda got lost in my drafts hah but i also just wanted to like. take extra care with your ask bc its a super important topic. like not just to me (though its definitely important to me) but its important in general. and i really like felix so. <3

a quick disclaimer is that i myself am not transfem. i am however afab and most likely genderqueer!! (im winging it as i go hah.) felix is also not a character id say im as well-versed in yet, but i do like felix a lot and ex1 changed my entire brain chemistry. and ill also be defaulting to he/him pronouns in this post because thats what he uses in canon.

felix is - at the end of the day - a fictional character, and tappei is a cis man who doesnt Entirely write characters like felix through a queer lens. arguably tappei is Self-Aware when he writes characters who are into other characters of the same sex (though the Representation is arguably a little bit questionable at times depending on how you look at it), but when it comes to characters like felix or subaru who have some Gender Stuff going on, it's more nebulous there. i dont know if tappei 100% realizes he's made characters that could be read as Trans/Genderqueer (emphasis on "read as", because i support different interpretations of these characters), but tappei Definitely Is Very Aware that gender and gender presentation and gender roles are super important when it comes to characters like felix, subaru, and crusch.

i think tappeis own perceptions of gender and gender roles do bleed a bit into the text as much as tappei is pretty purposeful with themes surrounding gender in rezero, but rezero itself still has all sorts of identity issues to explore with a lot of its characters and gender is a big part of that!!

so first and foremost im gonna be examining felix the best i can Purely Off Of The Canon Text, though i do like viewing rezero from a queer lens myself (and it is arguably very queer). im gonna talk first about felix and then ill move onto talking about my personal feelings on rezero fandom stuff :o !!

so felix's relationship with his gender is complicated and he Absolutely does not fit into traditional gender roles or gender presentation right now. these are undeniable. and if people headcanon felix as transfem thats totally understandable and valid!! but to say a headcanon is 100% canon and that other interpretations of a character as complex as felix are invalid isnt exactly it. for sure. i mean i myself interpret him as nonbinary haah. but felix's relationship with gender is so so so So complicated that i dont think you could just say hes transfem and then Not Elaborate More.

but regardless of how Exactly you label felix, i think you could possibly say that hes trans coded. tappei, even if he probably doesnt entirely know hes made pretty genderqueer characters, is Aware and Purposeful of how gender affects felix and his perception of himself and his identity and other peoples perception of him and this is brought up Over and Over Again in canon—felix’s gender identity, at the moment, aligns more with femininity in his presentation in every way, though he still perceives himself as masculine. felix’s case is complicated, and while im not entirely sure on this i think you could argue that hes trans coded—“coding” suggests a level of intent when making these characters, and i think that intent is present in some way with tappei. because tappei Knows just how important gender is with felix’s character and you can tell with how often and how Integral it is to felix’s entire character.

(more under the cut) (i do have a habit of being rambley/wordy sometimes if. if you couldnt tell already. but i hope this response is up to your standards!!)

these three analysis posts on felix's relationship with gender have all discussed this topic in-depth before i have, and i 1. really like the rezero content i see from all three of these people and 2. they All have slightly different takes based on the canon we have but also some similar points. because felix is complicated!! of course our takes are probably gonna be a bit different - he's a multifaceted character with such a complex relationship with his gender that it's hard to tell what every single one of his personal feelings on it is (especially when at the moment he hasnt appeared in the main story since arc 5 and he still has a Lot of character development to do). and of course fiction is fiction, we can all take away any sort of meaning from a story like this.

but you know. this is my post so im gonna try to analyze felix right now and say my two cents on what i think of his relationship with gender.

so im gonna try not to retread too much on what liquidstar, sufferu, and gourmet of gluttony have already said about felix (and i think theyre all very smart people with interesting analysis posts and theyve all explained their thoughts pretty well) and instead add on with my own thoughts - theres this felix excerpt from arc 4 wn that i think about sometimes. im gonna put it down here!!

and also important to note—like other people have mentioned, crusch and felix made a “deal” of sorts in the past where crusch takes on felix’s masculinity and felix takes on crusch’s femininity. and also like other people have said—and i myself have said in the past—i do have some mixed feelings on this wkdndn and as i said before also i do wish tappeis feelings on gender bled a little less when theyre Not Integral To The Story. bc i dont think tappei 100% knows hes made trans coded characters, but. anyway yeah so thats the whole deal with crusch felix. and in its own right i think it has So Many Interesting Implications!!

i think when it comes down to it, gender presentation IS a bit of a performance, isn't it? like i love to wear dressses and skirts and i love to keep my hair short and wear suits, but you know - these sorts of things tend to be gendered. our gender is often perceived through how we present ourselves, but in recent years gender roles being attached to clothing has gotten a bit less Rigid. but these rigid roles associated with presentation are even more dialed up to Eleven in a medieval world like the rezero fantasy world. and i dont use the word "performance" in a negative way -

what i mean is that when it comes to felix's character, does felix think he's a boy because that's what he's been told? does he think he's a boy because he TRULY sees himself that way, or does he THINK he has to see himself as one? does felix try to present and perform femininity, ie as or like a traditionally feminine girl, purely ONLY for crusch's sake, or is it because felix ALSO WANTS to? what does felix think of gender outside of crusch? who is felix outside of crusch? who is felix outside of tying his entire personality to other people? does felix’s femininity show the “radiance of ferris’ soul” bc of the deal he made with crusch or bc this truly is felix’s soul? these are like the big questions behind his entire character and character arc that would determine in the end how felix identifies in both his gender and In General.

so what is felix's identity at the moment? bc right now, felix is stuck between his feminine self, tied to crusch, a symbol of crusch, tied to his own reliance on crusch and worship of her—and his masculine self, someone broken off from crusch. felix is tied to crusch right now to worrying extents with his obsessive devotion to the point of changing himself to mold into her image, and beyond that, hes still tied to guilt surrounding fourier’s death. gourmet of gluttony puts all of this way way more intelligently than i ever could, but at the end of the day, i think the best narrative decision here would be for felix to accept himself in ALL of his entirety.

healing in rezero is noted to be a kind power, specifically by fourier and fourier saying this right to felix when hes the most talented healer in lugunica, and healing itself is often stereotypically feminine activity. knighthood is stereotypically masculine, and on top of all this, we see in ex1 that biehn argyle twists the power of healing into something grotesque—trying to bring back the dead and revive what cant be revived, which is once again another reoccurring theme in rezero.

how far can “from zero” go? what HAS to stay dead and what can be revived? who is allowed to live? HOW do you live freely? felix is someone born from a horribly abusive and neglectful family who twisted healing magic’s kindness into cruelty, felix is someone who was taken into a family that showed him kindness and now hes desperate to pay them back with everything he has and everything he is, felix is a healer who lashes out when hes cornered and a healer who treasures life and a knight who cant physically fight like the others, felix is someone stuck with the horrible knowledge that he cant save everyone—that some things just Couldnt end better no matter how much he wished for it to.

felix is stuck between all kinds of worlds, and in terms of gender, hes quite literally still stuck between boyhood and manhood in the biological sense—hes purposefully made it so that he hasnt hit puberty yet so he can better pass as feminine. he hasnt Physically Grown past puberty—which is the mark of becoming an adult. and he hates himself in a number of ways, but he also hates himself for failing to be traditionally masculine. his abusive family stole ten years of his life and the torture left him physically weaker, so he cant be strong physically, which is something associated with traditional masculinity. felix is the best healer, a traditionally feminine job and skill, but he cant save everyone. felix becomes more feminine as part of his deal with crusch, but while crusch accepts her femininity and masculinity readily, and while crusch’s memory is erased by gluttony—felix is left behind, alone, still holding onto femininity while not entirely being able to hold onto it while he also cant entirely hold onto the traditional masculinity he expects out of himself. and with arc 3 on, felix feels hes failed both fourier and crusch. the two most important male and female figures in his life.

felix is basically stuck in this liminal space where hes not Enough for himself in literally every direction, and the only way out is to accept every part of himself and move forward by trying to define who he is without other people—his birth family and his found family dont define him. they can shape him, sure, but he has to stop shaping himself to meet them and figure out how to let himself just. Be. and take up a space thats firmly his. from a queer lens, this kind of thing is pretty queer—because to stop being in between worlds, you have to accept everything instead of splitting yourself into halves over and over again. killing or maiming yourself or parts of yourself is no way to live, and felix is Life itself.

and i think regardless of the Exact Labels you could give felix, i think his arc—which is perfectly in line with all of rezeros themes—is inherently about self acceptance and the bridging of the gap and combination of femininity and masculinity. felix is both and identifies, in one way or another, with both, similar to how he loves someone who identifies with both (crusch) and just as hes loved her and fourier. imo it wouldnt be right for felix to choose one or the other in terms of feminine vs masculine—he needs to be the one learning and navigating his honest feelings on both sides bc i think he Yearns to be both. hes a boy who dresses like a girl and its up to him to know if he wants to be a man and/or a woman due to his own internal desire or if parts of that is Only due to external pressures.

--

and alright now that ive said all my thoughts on felix atm im gonna address the other questions you had in your ask!! note that this is just my opinions and thoughts regarding my own experience in the english fandom, you dont have to agree or anything 👍

but i AM very sorry about your negative experiences in this fandom. T^T people calling other transphobic for using he/him for felix (and also people being transphobic about characters like felix or subaru/natsumi in general) is something ive seen as well. the rezero fandom is sadly very often toxic and Bigoted in a lot of ways (with the exception of rezero tumblr and certain segments of rezero ao3, from what ive seen), which is Ironic for a story thats so clearly about love and self-acceptance, which is also ironic because arguably tappei and otsuka and the rezero marketing team (i Love the female characters in rezero but theres just so much sexualized or vaguely sexist merch/moments that dont add to the story, you know? kind of just. misses the point of their characters sometimes.) sort of contribute to it a little bit as much as tappei does do some really great things with his writing.

rezero is the first fandom ive been active in but its definitely not the first ive ever been in, and ive been in some insane fandoms before. like i said earlier though, i think i just cope by curating my experience to what i like, yknow? liking posts i enjoy, looking at stuff i enjoy, etc :O !! fandom is a hobby so i try not to look at negative stuff when i can help it wkdnd. which im sure youre aware about already but i always have to keep reminding myself of this bc places like rezero reddit or twitter get pretty rough!! but its really helped me just following artists and creators i like, enjoying their content, chatting with cool people i vibe with, rezero tumblr being the chillest rezero space in the whole fandom, and its also helped me a lot making rezero content of my own—like this whole blog!! its really shocked me how much people seem to value my thoughts enough to ask me things frequently but i appreciate it pfft. and i hope you guys like reading my posts!!

but yeah like. curate, curate, curate. it helps a LOT and it gets me excited to experience rezero not only by myself you know? not that i didnt have fun by myself but its its own level of fun finally finding spaces to have fun with others!! and i LOVE finding beautiful fanart!! chef’s kiss. and trying to be the change i want to see is satisfying on its own :,) i want to post random shit about rezero, so i post it. i want to make fanart for fun and share it. i want to brute force people into loving otto more so i ottopost (dont worry, i still hate him bc true otto fans also hate him at the same time <3 /lh). i want more queer rezero content so i try to make some more!! brings more personal power i think and its very fun!! and it helps with lessening the quiet despair of fandom toxicity ;-;; (which is something ive done many times and will continue to do sometimes so i feel your pain 🫂) and i promise theres cool people in the fandom 👍 i may reply late to asks or dms but im ALWAYS down to talk about rezero things its so fun 👍👍

and its really really hard sometimes to deal with fandom toxicity especially if its forcefully knocking at your door—definitely dont force yourself to stay or look at things if you cant, bc thats totally understandable!! and i myself have been harassed a little in the past. but definitely having some sort of coping—the block button, backing out of things you dont agree with or like, lots and lots of curating, etc—helps me a lot. and i think mental health wise i feel much better trying to look on the bright side of things!! its MY hobby goddammit!! ill fight people subaru-style if they try to poison it!! and however long anyone reading this decides to spend with rezero and rezero tumblr—you are welcome here 👍

but yes my very Long rambling aside - i hope this post somewhat helped you!! felix is a very important character that i like very much and need to learn more about and i have Many Feelings on the english side of this fandom, but im very grateful to all the cool people ive met over the years here for sure!! :o

also ill probably post the finished version soon but if youve read this far here is a sneak peak of felix art i did recently (just as a reward for once again reading all of my Endless Yapping)👍👍

[shrinkthisviolet]

character ask game 2, 3, 4, 5, 15, 16, 23, 24, 25 (sorry there's so many lol) for Mr. Eddie Thawne <3333

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

He and Iris are sweet together! And he is, in general, very sweet—befriending Barry even tho he suspects that Barry and Iris are in love (and keeps being proven right)?? How could I not admire him for that omg

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

I didn’t like him keeping Barry’s identity a secret from Iris, but…I mostly blame the writers for that one tbh. The sexism strikes again 😒

EDIT: I completely forgot s9 existed, apparently 🤦‍♀️ THAT is definitely the worst thing they did to him, hands down. They ruined his character…and for WHAT, the arc wasn’t even good!!

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Eddie gives me Disney Prince/knight in shining armor vibes. A fairytale epic would be perfect for him 🥰

(Or a pirate setting, like this wonderful Westhallen fic 👀)

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

As strange as it might sound, “Cave In” by Owl City. I think Eddie, for all his optimism, does struggle with self-worth—we know he had a hard time making friends as a kid, especially given his dad’s job, and given that he was originally from Keystone…this is more speculation, but I doubt he and his dad were particularly close either (especially if his dad is the sort of person Eowells would like).

And in “Cave In”, there are multiple instances of the narrator/singer struggling with inner turmoil, depressive thoughts (“please take a long hard look through your textbook, ‘cause I’m history”…which also ties in tragically to Eddie’s ultimate fate of dying heroically at the end of s1) and yet trying to be optimistic despite it (“if the bombs go off, the sun will still be shining, because I’ve heard it said that every mushroom cloud has a silver lining”). It’s very Eddie-like imo 💞

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Westhallen wins for me, hands down. Eddie is great with both of them individually too, but like…all three of them = the superior ship

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Admittedly I don’t really read a ton of Eddie fics, so idk many ships for him 😅 I guess Eddie x Caitlin? Not a bad pairing per se, and I’m the last person to complain about shipping characters who have never properly met onscreen (Reyrose (I haven’t read the comics where they interact) and Franmaya are two of my favorite ships, after all)…I just don’t get that vibe from Eddie and Caitlin. But also, I think that ship only has a few fics anyway, so 🤷‍♀️

23. Favorite picture of this character?

I don’t really have one tbh but he looks so lovely he smiles, so I present you with:

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Jim Paxton from the MCU! Scott Lang’s wife, Maggie, remarried when she and Scott divorced, and Jim is just an absolute gem. A great husband to Maggie, a great friend to Scott, and a great stepdad to Cassie. They’re such a wonderful family, all four of them, and I love them so much 🥰

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I gotta be honest man, I was suspicious of him. Idk if I thought he was the RF, but I definitely thought he was gonna turn out to be a bad boyfriend because of how that trope usually goes, and that would be the impetus for Westallen getting together. Imagine my shock when that didn’t happen!! When, in fact, he befriended Barry, Westhawne was going strong for a while, and died a hero!!

(I would’ve preferred that he not die, ofc, but on the other hand…I don’t trust the Flash writers that much. They would’ve ruined him for drama, I can just feel it)

character ask game!

[wooahaes]

yoo, how are you girlie? im currently trying to build a church from 'uts' in the sims. what does it look like to you? maybe the vibe, type of architecture, that sort of thing. i may have a generally different idea from the mv and the story, but i wanted to ask if you might have a specific image of the church. maybe some reference photos? they could be helpful, but no pressure tho. love you <3

hiii im ok!! a lil tired bc i did a walk on the treadmill this morning but ive had breakfast so thats nice hehe (actual answer under the readmore btw)

first of all ur doing what omg???? thats so cool omg!!! anyway realistically i wish i could tell u exacts because the structure from the mv is absolutely different from how i was imagining it (since the underground part is like... separate from the church in the mv i think???). i know i imagined the church itself to be a large room with rows of chairs and a raised platform for a stage (at least big enough for three people to comfortably dance on since bss has their lil number in hoshi's part), with the back half separated off by curtains. there's a ladder leading up to the attic which mainly contains stuff like board games, cards, books, etc. but it also has a sun-shaped window (which... i dont think is possible in the sims but i also am not a builder so i wouldnt know) with a bed in front of it (which i like to imagine has some sort of curtains close to it so that they could get a lil privacy while napping, y'know?). the underground part leads to the main area that they all reside in which is the stone area from the mv, but thats way more up in the air to me and something i admittedly just kinda went 'if i need a room, i'm sure it's there lmao'.

i think in general, i think it'd be a Lot of natural decor? both dried and fresh flowers, wooden objects that could have been made by them, etc. but the group basically is a group of scavengers when it comes to the city and what they bring back. i think they'd usually stick to things that are lighter when it comes to bringing stuff back, but i'm like 90% sure they could work things out to bring back heavier furniture (like a couch) if they really wanted it. it'd def be a group effort tho and prolong their trips back haha but def like... a vibrant, colorful space too!!! a lot of uts is about finding ways to love and celebrate life and the things within it and i think part of that is learning to find happiness--hence why they paint the walls with things they want to paint, why they celebrate one another as often as they can.

iii am not an architect so i cannot tell u the kind of architecture but i can throw pictures ur way since i have a small pinterest board w pics saved

(if u listen rly closely u can hear me yelling over soonhoon here like that should be ME!!!!)

(sun window with bed + curtains)

(i literally never reference this lil tub in uts because i had no idea where the fuck it would be but the plants and books and whatnot are sooo visible here also joshua hong just 1 chance pls!!!)

these are both part of that underground part but i think the vibrant colors and how mismatched things are like. is so visible here so!!! i want to live in this mv...

plushies <3 also tht should be ME-

u can vaguely see architecture of the church here w the uncovered windows n whatnot. i do not have the vocabulary to describe it further. also loving the idea that they either stuff their shirts (so they can sit up) or drape them over chairs to act as audience members lmao i love them i love them i love them

this has nothing to do with the rest of this aside from the overall vibrant vibe but i just wanted to share this one bc look at himst...... he looks like hes up to no good...... so real of him

these are all the pictures i have that are relevant (the rest were of them outside in the field or in that underground part) but hopefully of this helps at least a little??? i def should have drawn up a floor plan for uts just to keep myself set to something tbh

anyway!!! good luck building!!!! know i would always love to see if u ever wanna share <3

wooahae <3 sorry this answer got kinda long w all the pictures

[wizkiddx]

your voice

angsty vibe, requested by @hollandlover19 than you for th rq and hop this doesn't disappoint too much :)))

summary: tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

warnings: a bit angsty, but ends in fluff! argumnts and raising voices, I guess could be associated with panic attacks tho not written with that intention

//////////////////////////////////

“Oh, Y/n er sorry.” Harrisons morning dulcet tones were what you were awoken to with a groan.

Everything was achy, and your head was pounding, making you grumble in discontent as you shifted uncomfortably on the technically too-small-to-sleep-on sofa.

This was not the morning you’d foreseen even 12 hours ago.

Lockdown had been difficult for everyone, even removing the tragic health crisis. Being locked in with your boyfriend and his brothers and friends was, for the most part, amazing. Lots of laughs, lots of beers and lots of quality time that you usually didn’t get. But it was also intense.

Without a doubt, since you first got together, this was the longest time you’d ever had with Tom. And it had been brilliant, your relationship getting so much closer and just learning the subtlest intricacies about the other. In fact, when lockdown had been announced, you’d never lived together (the most a week-long holiday).

Though it was also like a pressure cooker, Toms rented house. When one of you were in an understandable but stubborn lousy mood, it affected the whole house.

Yesterday night had been the perfect storm. The weather was unbelievably scorching; your work had announced that they had to let some staff go because of the financial implications of the pandemic; a ‘mole’ had released personal details of your relationship.

And it was like a pot on the stove; everything went from controllable to violently boiling over in a matter of minutes.

Honestly, you didn’t even know why you had started arguing - it was that pathetic. And yet you’d both said pretty horrible stuff - though it was Tom who had crossed the line. Frankly, the way he’d spoken to you was almost unforgivable.

You’d both known instantly too, all his anger at you had immediately evaporated when he’d realised what he had said. It took no time for him to become a grovelling apologetic mess, however even that- it was already too late.

It might sound feeble, but honestly, you’d run and locked yourself in the downstairs loo. You’d cried on the inside- whilst from the other side of the door, he had been begging and pleading with you.

After an hour though, Tom finally gave up - hence why you’d had a pretty uncomfortable night on the sofa.

This brings it back to Harrison, the early riser of the house, barrelling into the living room after his morning run. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, except also slightly terrified looking as he stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m up now” You sighed, dragging yourself into a sitting position on the sofa whilst massaging your crooked neck.

“You er…. you fell asleep watching the TV?” Rolling your eyes, you sighed at the blonde, even if his poor acting was a little entertaining.

“Are we both pretending that you don’t know what went down last night?” Of course, Harrison knew. The walls were thin, you’d been screaming and he was Tom’s best friend. No doubt, Tom had immediately gone to him for help and advice last night.

Harrison held his hands up in response, caught in the act, and clicked his tongue. “What he said was bad. You shouldn’t be the one ending up with the sore back.” He wasn’t wrong.

“And yet here I am…” With a sigh you smiled which he returned with a sickeningly empathetic one “Anyway, don’t let my sad self get in the way, did you come in here for anything?”

Now, because Harrison was mentally a five year old, that’s how you ended up sat crossed-legged on the floor, clutching a wii remote and angrily shouting at yoshi on the mariokart screen. The whole household was competitive as hell and you were no exception - so some rouge elbows were flying when he viciously knocked you off the track.

Slowly Harry and Tuwaine filtered in and picked up remotes too, so the quiet morning was very quickly switched into a tense atmosphere of yelps and shouts. None more so than Tuwaine, who was possibly the worst looser you had ever met.

Really, you knew all the boys were only doing this as there way of showing you they were with you. That they also thought Tom was a massive raging dickhead. And you appreciated it more than they would ever know. Locked down in Toms house, very much not mutual ground, having three stupid boys behind you meant everything.

Just as you got on to the 18th and final race of the house’s mario grand prix, another voice cut across the tense silence as you waited for the coutdown to turn into ‘go’. Naturally, you flipped round to see Tom, looking as though he literally just rolled out of bed with puffy eyes and messy hair and no top. The sight made your heart flutter, to the point you had to consciously check yourself - refusing to smile softly at him like you usually would, instead narrowing your eyebrows and looking back at the TV.

Tom had so desperately hoped that when he came down this morning, everything would be better. That all it’d take would be a quiet conversation for the two of you to make up - for him to have you in his arms again. Primarily as he had heard your excited laugh echoing through the halls in reactions to Tuwaines yelps of protests - it made him hopeful. Waking up to a cold and empty bed was almost soul-crushing this morning. He did not want it to ever happen again.

Which is why his heart sank so much when all you gave him was a scolding look, before turning your attention to the TV. Admittedly, he was naive to think that what he’d done last night would be an easy fix - he knew it too. So with dropping shoulders, Tom silently took a seat on the sofa, watching from afar. You spent the rest of the race more absent, not joining in with the Harrison or Harrys trash-talking, acutely aware of Tom’s eyes burning the back of your head.

Then came Harry’s celebrations as the overall winner (only just) and when Harrison suggested another game Tom piped up again.

“Give me a turn Harry.”

The three boys kneeling next to you all stiffened, looking immediately to you for what seemed like consent - as if they were engaging with the enemy. (At least it was good to know everyone was on your side).

“I’m gonna go prepare for my meeting anyway.” You spoke quietly, already placing the remote on the floor and standing up.

“Y/n I don’t mind swappin-“

“No. Thanks, H but no.” You weren’t being selfless and giving Tom a turn. You were running away from seeing him.

And Harrison was still really angry at Tom. He’d been so selfish and insensitive and had hurt you- someone who Haz also cared a lot about too. Yes Tom was his bestmate, that he’d grown up with and known for years - but Haz really liked you too, in fact all the boys did. So they were almost as pissed with Tom as you were.

So while you threw the cushion you were sat on back on the floor, Harrison shot Tom the filthiest look and practically shooed him away.

“come on Y/n … just one more? Then you can do your boring work.” You were about to refuse when Haz tilted his head toward the door, only then noticing that Tom had slipped out the room. Now that he was gone ,yes, just one more wouldn’t hurt. The meeting prep wasn’t time pressured; it was an excuse for an escape.

Tuwaine whooped a little when you nodded, planting back down and ready for the first race. Yet apart from that, the room was still a little awkward, you being the first to break the silence.

“Actually Haz, would you mind giving me a lift today?”

“What to the shops?

“Um no not quite.” Tuwaine laughed in his usual innocent and infectious style before asking more.

“Seriously? You know we’re locked down? Boris won’t be happy if you going mad and leaving the house.”

“Just to Y/f/n’s. She lives on her own so it’s legal.”

“She lives just down the road right? Can’t you walk?” Harry was confused, making him look away from the screen, ultimately leading to his ‘diddykong’ falling off the track.

“I’ll have my bags. I um… I think I’m going to stay with her till lockdown eases more.”

As soon as you said that, Harry pressed pause on the race, all three boys looking at you mouth-opened.

“For real?”

“Yeh I um… think me and Tom need some time apart and being locked in isn’t helping.”

“I’m not saying to forgive and forget what he said… but he is really sorry.”

“The twats literally kicking himself.” Tuwaine added, making you smile a little for calling Tom that.

“I know just… I need some space and-“

“Are you breaking up?” Harry almost announced, cutting you off. He would miss you too.

“No! Nono I … well I don’t know. I just- we both need this.”

The boys all nodded, looking at the floor for a moment before Harrison’s blue eyes were back on you.

“Course I’ll drive, but… but I’ll miss you.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You’d left merely an hour later, whilst Tom was holed up in the garden doing what looked like an almost unbearable work out. It meant he was also out your hair and you could throw all your stuff into two suitcases without him being any the wiser. It was probably pretty cowardly to leave without speaking to him, but you couldn’t. It would hurt too much and you didn’t want to break down in front of him. No doubt as soon as you had got to Y/f/n you did - into a blubbering mess of tears - but Tom hadn’t seen so it was okay.

Speaking of. Tom.

Tom was not in a good way at all. He’d been trying really hard to curb his’ short fuse’ lately- all of which had been well and truly blown in the past 4 hours. After finally being realised from meetings, which he’d not been able to concentrate on anyway, Tom had mentally prepared himself for a lot of grovelling. Once he’d vaguely hunted the house and not found you there, he naturally asked Harry and Tuwaine (both of whom were in the living room) if they’d seen you around.

It was a typical question, the answer he was expecting was that you’d just gone on your daily walk. And yet the response he got was… well a lot more confusing. Harry’s eyes widened whilst T did his awkward-uncomfortable chuckle, the two locked in an intense bout of eye contact. It was as though they were arguing with each, but through the powers of telekinesis... and it put Tom on edge. He was already stressed because you were so angry with him, so not getting a clear answer out of his brother and best mate - lets just say it tested his patience.

“You two need to tell me what the hell is going on right now.”

The two boys both looked panicked to speak to him, which was the opposite of the usual situation. They were some of the ONLY people in his life that would just say it how it is, no sugar coating. Like if he was away and being ‘famous’ was getting to his head; or if he wore the wrong pair of jeans. Even yesterday evenings events, they’d both called him out on what he’d said to you.

So why the silence?

Eventually, it was Harry who spoke up, but in doing so, practically just waved all responsibility on to another innocent party.

“Ask Haz.”

And then Tom knew. He knew this was bad. Immediately his heart was pumping at an alarmingly fast rate, taking the stairs two at a time and not bothering to knock before bursting the door open.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Harrison was reclined back on his haphazardly made bed, laptop balanced on his lap as he looked up with a sigh. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it any less easy. With a sigh, Haz closed the lid of his MacBook and sat up on the bed.

“Tom just-“

“Where. Is. She.”

“She’s gone to Y/f/n’s.”

“Oh… okay.” Suddenly Tom’s voice was muted, thinking he might’ve blown his top at nothing. This wasn’t weird - Y/f/n was in your support bubble and you went to hers often.

Tom was grossly underestimating the situation - and Harrison heard didn’t fancy stringing him along though.

“No like gone. She um… she took all her stuff. I think she’s going to stay there till-“

Tom was already out his room at that point, slamming the door as he did so. Making a beeline for his own room, Tom then frantically started to pull out the draws and rummage around the shelves, confirming what he already knew. Your clothes were gone, your toothbrush and toiletries were gone, you were gone.

It’s important to note Tom didn’t really cry all that much. Or if he did - it was more inconsequential, at a sad movie or one of the rescue dog stories from battersea. Actually, when it came down to it, he didn’t really cry.

Now though, it was impossible to ignore the burning of his eyes, as he sank down onto the bed that now felt twice the size. With ragged breath, he repeatedly fisted his eyes, not actually letting the tears fall - but it was impossible to not acknowledge their presence. Harrison stood wordlessly at the door frame, knowing it best not to interrupt - whilst at the same time knowing Tom shouldn’t be left alone. There was a delicate balance between the two, which he was walking on a knife-edge on right now.

After a short while, Tom looked up with red eyes and nodded at Harrison, effectively granting him entrance. With a sigh once again, Haz moved and sat next to Tom on the bed, clasping his hands together nervously.

“She said you both just needed a break from each other. Think lockdown and everything was just a bit too intense.” Haz had tried to explain, yet it seemed Tom had only managed to lock onto one of the first words.

“A break? Or breaking up?”

“I uhm… she didn’t explicitly say ending things. But I just… I don’t know to be honest mate.”

“You see the way she looked at me this morning? Like she hated me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say… she needs time and space I think.” Tom was silent for a beat, shaking his head as he cradled his forehead.

“I hate the fact you and my girlfriend are on better terms than I am.” Anddd his voice was back to scathing.

“I’m not on anyones side. But your both my friends and she… she needed some time.”

With that, Harrison made a quick exit out, getting Harry to take over the Tom supervision.

Ever since the atmosphere in the house had been tense. To say Tom was highly strung was an understatement, particularly towards Harrison. Deep down he was thankful Haz was looking out for Y/n: he was glad that Haz was checking she was okay. It’s not like Tom could, because Y/n was refusing to answer his calls, texts, whatsapps, even the slip of paper he’d slipped under Y/f/n’s door in the middle of an especially dark night.

So it was good to know Y/n was okay, but the fact she was going on socially distanced walks with the rest of his housemates was rubbing salt in the wound.

After a week and a half of complete radio silence on your end Tom had utterly worn down. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to be angry anymore, he was just tired. Tired of missing you with every breath, tired of the ten-tonne weight of guilt pressing on his chest, fucking exhausted with being angry at Haz and Harry and Tuwaine.

The best thing in his life and one of the very limited opportunities was quality time with the people he loved more than anything else. He had ruined it all.

And it was the small things. It was waking up to your soft, whispered voice in the morning; it was your infectious giggle when he surprised you with a hug from behind and gentle kisses to your neck; it was your quiet singing in the shower. Especially when he knew Haz, Harry and Tuwaine were all still seeing you and laughing with you. It hurt like hell.

Which is how he ended up hesitantly knocking on Harrison’s bedroom door at half eleven at night, with his tail between his legs. Having been so uber-healthy all lockdown, Haz was already in bed following his sleep cycle, though for Tom right now- he would be awake.

“I’m um… I’m sorry I’ve been a knob. There’s no excuse of anything I’ve just… I’ve been a knob.”

“You’re not wrong.” Harrison nodded in agreement with a sly smile, motioning for Tom to come into the room, after which he perched on the edge of the bed.

“I just… I need to speak to her but I… I don’t want to push her if she’s still hurting and I…”

“You absolutely promise not to blow your fuse? Because she couldn’t handle that.” Tom’s eyes widened, thinking this would be a much harder pitch than how it seemed to be going.

“Yesyesyes i- I promise. I just, I feel broken you know? Even if all I get is the time to say sorry, I-I really need to.”

Harrison released a deep breath, nodding slowly before throwing the covers off himself. Tom watched all his movements with a curious gaze, silently sitting as Haz pulled on a hoodie, then socks too.

“Well? Let’s go.”

//////////////////

Now, what Tom had not in the slightest bit been prepared for was this to happen tonight. Really, he hadn’t even thought Harrison would agree to let him talk to you… and even if he had, Tom not in hell thought it’d be at 11:30 that evening.

His heart was thundering in his chest, trying to hurriedly script how on earth he was going to apologise meaningfully to you - as him and Haz walked the short distance to your friends house. Honestly the whole situation was peculiar to Tom - finding it hard to believe that if you weren’t to answer his texts you wouldn’t be open to an in person conversation.

What Tom didn’t know, was how you’d been texting Haz at a similar point of desperation. You weren’t happy and even given everything Tom had said and acted - you missed your boy. No matter how infuriating he could be when trapped 24/7 - you’d quickly learnt this was the only way you wanted to spend these weird times.

So yes, Tom’s best friend knew you were hardly sleeping either, but needed that little push to interact with you boyfriend. No doubt, you’d still be awake to answer the door.

Once he’d arrived at the apartment block and walked up the stairs to the right floor, it still took some prodding and pushing from Harrison to get Tom to knock on the door. Plainly, because he was shitting himself. Haz hadn’t given him enough pre warning, enough time to work it all out in his head. So it took another encouraging nod from Harrison for him to knock on the slightly rough-round-the-edges flat door.

Y/f/n was single and young, starting her career in Kingston - so the flat she could afford was modest at best. When it was just occupied by a single person, that was manageable - two was a push. You’d only been living with her for a week and a few days but it was enough to know this flat was not ideal for two people in lockdown. You were already stepping on each others toes. It also wasn’t technically legal to move households but Y/f/n had always been in your support bubble as a single household otherwise. And so there was also a layer of guilt to it all.

Naturally then, sharing a bed with someone who wasn’t Tom meant you just were not sleeping. Even if you had both gone to bed early (just to kill some hours in the day) you were still wide awake at quarter to twelve - when a timid knock echoed through the minuscule apartment. Curiosity peaked at who the hell would be calling now; you silently slipped out of bed, managing to not disturb Y/f/n, and closed the bedroom door.

Now you weren’t an idiot. Even though this was southwest london, hardly the capital for crime, Y/f/n lived in a dodgy building with some questionable characters. And it was midnight. Hence why you approached the situation cautiously, tiptoeing to the door and waiting with your ear pressed against the wood.

“I told you she wouldn’t answer!”

“She will! Might just be in the loo or something.”

“Haz this is stupid-“

The air in your chest froze when you immediately recognised the smooth tone of his voice. It was him… and you’d missed that so much. Already there were tears in your eyes and you couldn’t open the door just yet. So no, instead you slid down the doorframe before calling quietly out into the night.

“Tom?”

The bickering on the otherside of the door was silenced, but you heard a quite tap on the door... and could envision exactly what was going on. Tom, pressing both palms and his ear to the door, as Harrison took a few steps back - sensing his work was done.

“Y/n? You there?” He sounded desperate, you could hear the emotion dripping off his voice. It was only when you tried to reply did you realise your own voice was having a harder time speaking.

“Yeh its-its me.” It felt as though this heavyweight that had been pressing down on your chest was slowly lifting, making your voice all cracky and low.

In response, there was a short and sharp exhale. It sounded relieved before some fidgeting as you imagined him crouching down beside the door - mirroring your image.

“Fuck, it… it feels so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too… I’ve-i’ve missed you.”

Tom snorted at that, a gentle bang allowing you to realise he’d just whacked his head on the back of the wood.

“You have no idea how this week felt.” He was wrong though, you did.

Yes, maybe without the insurmountable guilt that Tom was rightfully feeling, but it didn’t mean that the time apart wasn’t easy.

“I do. This hasn’t been a nice holiday for me you know?”

He sighed, knowing that yet again he’d said the wrong thing. This time though, he didn’t rebut instantly (which surprised you), instead his response was more measured and calculated.

“I am so sorry. And of course, I know because I was the one that hurt you too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” You nodded but given this conversation was happening through a door Tom didn’t see your gentle agreement - opting to fill the silence.

“I um… I’m not good at this whole um… speaking my feelings. But I’ve hated myself ever since I picked that fight with you. It was stupid and uh it-it was all my fault. I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

“‘Why?” You tried to ask, except the words were stuck in your throat, making you have to clear it before asking again. “Why did you say it?”

“To get a rise out of you. It’s stupid and petty and fucking-fucking dumb. I said it not because I’ve ever thought it, I never ever have, but I knew it’d hurt you. I was preying on your insecurities because I was angry at the world and that was so unfair. “

“No shit.”

Silence reigned as you fiddled with your fingers - specifically with the promise ring he’d bought you a year ago.

“You-you think you could ever forgive me?”

“Thats the annoying part. I want to hate you because you literally stabbed me then twisted the knife but… but all I’ve done this week is miss you. Even when I saw Haz or Harry or Tuwaine. I just fucking missed you.”

“Can you open the door please love?”

Clumsily you scrubbed the tear tracks off your face, scrabbling to your feet so you could thrust open the doors. Because you might still be bloody pissed at him, but at the same time - you needed your Tom. Thrusting the door open, the first thing you registered was being pressed into Tom’s chest. His arms slinked around your waist and held him tight, which you reciprocated, squeezing tightly round his neck. Your senses were all being assaulted by one thing and one thing only. Tom.

He smelt like usual, except maybe the slightest bit stronger than usual - you figured he hadn’t showered in a day or two or bothered with cologne. The top of your forehead was pressed up against his chin, and as he readjusted his grip on you, you felt the scratchy feeling of his unshaven stubble. He kept whispering apologies against the top of your head, almost desperate and religiously.

Arching back, you brought both hands to cup his cheeks, looking into his glassy brown. eyes, which looked so lost and confused.

“I’m still angry.”

“Of course-“

“I’m still angry but I’m going to kiss you okay?”

Safe to say Tom didn’t require a verbal response, taking it upon himself to nudge his lips against yours, yet waiting for you to initiate the kiss. And that you did, everything else about this godforsaken week and a half. His index finger traced the angle of your jaw, whilst he held your lower back tight, pressing himself as close as physically possible to you. Needing you.

Eventually arching back, your thumb ran over his deep and sunken under-eyes, which added so much age to his face.

“You look tired Tommy.”

“Can’t sleep without you telling me goodnight.” That was another tradition you had had. Even when he was away, you’d even set an alarm for whatever bedtime was for the other across the world. Just so you could send a little message or voice not saying goodnight. Was it cringey? Yes. Did either of you care? No.

But since you’d been away all the evening wishes were absent from you. Which hurt Tom more than you may ever know.

“I know you’re still angry but will you please come home to me? I need you to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing in the morning.”

would love to hear any feedback <333 (but think this is a bit of a shitter so im sorry!!!)

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @thegirlwiththeimpala @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @hollandlover19 @hunnybunimdun @crossyourpeter @thefernandasantana@hallecarey1

[mypoisonedvine]

𝖗𝖔𝖈𝖐 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖇𝖔𝖆𝖙 || pirate!Jefferson x reader

summary: Captain Jefferson is feared by every would-be sailor, every tradesman of the British isles, even his fellow pirates; yet, he's oddly gentle with you... for now.

word count: 4.2k

warnings: smut (dub con, this is a dark fic! mostly soft dark tho!), unwanted creampie, verrryy slight breeding kink, implied/threatened noncon, unwanted touching, lots of praise, mentions of the plague (but this time it's not the current one), pregnancy mention, alcohol consumption, religion mention, use of a knife (not quite knife kink but not violence either), slight yandere vibes

Perhaps if you had woken up sooner, earlier in the siege of your ship by the pirates, you would’ve had more time to flee and make it to one of the lifeboats. If you hadn’t been so exhausted from a long day beforehand, you would’ve surely roused from sleep at the first signs of trouble. If you had thought to put on boots and not tried to run from your room barefoot, you might have made it further before the invading crew had taken over.

Then again, this all could’ve been avoided if your fiancé had helped you onto the lifeboat instead of leaving you behind to die. Useless fucking bastard. Now here you were in the hands of your ‘saviors’ who pulled you from the flaming wreckage of the ship they themselves had destroyed. Their intentions were anything but altruistic, though; you weren’t a survivor, exactly, but a captive. Survivors didn’t typically have their wrists tied in front of them.

“Pretty,” one of them growled as he ran a finger down your cheek; you turned away as best you could but you couldn’t do much with them holding your arms and circling in so close around you. Another finger pushed against your lips and probed your mouth, the salt of his skin easily the worst taste you’d even experienced.

“Got all her teeth, too,” he noted. “Must be rich.”

“Who gives a fuck if she’s rich?” yet another sneered, reaching to start pulling up your skirt as you tried to kick him away. “All that matters is she’s warm.”

“You know we have to bring her to the Captain,” someone behind you noted.

“Yeah, but can’t we have a little fun first?”

“No,” the voice answered back firmly, making all the men around you visibly deflate.

“Fine then,” said the man in front of you as he dropped your skirt, and you were relieved slightly just to know they had to leave you be for now. “You’d better be a good girl for the Captain, then,” he informed you through his rotted grin, “and maybe we’ll get reacquainted when he’s done with you.”

With that, though they didn’t seem too ecstatic about it, a few of the men in the crowd guided you across the ship, bringing you to a windowed door. at the stern of the ship. It was likely the first mate that knocked; you were too busy being restrained to do it yourself, and the other men were too busy restraining you.

“Come in,” a voice answered from the other side.

The door creaked a bit as it was opened, and you felt the need to recoil further when you saw the man in his chambers, staring you down coldly.

“We found her in the wreckage,” the first mate explained, “figured you would know what to do with her.”

“Oh, I know what to do with her,” he agreed flatly, and you heard a few snickers behind you. “Bring her here.”

You figured ‘bringing’ would involve more walking, but instead they essentially threw you into the room, laughing as you stumbled to the floor since you were unable to catch yourself with bound hands.

The door slammed shut behind you unceremoniously, and you were left to look up at your new, singular captor with watery eyes. He wasn’t nearly as repulsive as the rest of his crew, he was even… not bad looking, if you tried hard enough to see him that way. It helped that he was better dressed and groomed, though he still looked plenty erratic in his own peculiar way. At least you were indoors now, protected from the cold ocean breeze of the evening, and with someone whose gaze was a bit less ravenous than the others that had been on you so far.

He offered his hand to help you up, but you defiantly made your own way back onto your feet.

“A bit of an independent type, I see,” he noted with the slightest smirk. “You must really hate this, then.”

“Would anyone enjoy being captured by pirates?” you asked, voice a little too shaky to really sound properly indignant.

“Many prefer it to drowning in the Indian ocean,” he frowned tightly. “Some might even be thankful to those that show them mercy.”

You were about to ask what he considered mercy, but then he took a knife from a leather holster at his side, stepping closer and carefully slicing the ropes off of your sore wrists. “Th-thank you, sir,” you whispered, rubbing the tender skin, raw in a few places.

“Captain Jefferson,” he corrected instantly, voice tense even though his body language was still relaxed; nonchalant, even. “You’ve yet to enlighten me to your name, darling.”

For a moment you watched him twirl his knife around in his fingers and almost forgot your own name to answer him with. When you did stammer it out, he gave you a smile that lied just between friendly and predatory, white teeth sparkling in the dim light of his lanterns as he sheathed the blade at his waist.

“Lovely,” he cooed. “It suits you. That dress on the other hand,” he frowned slightly as he looked you up and down, “is atrocious.”

“It’s only a nightgown,” you defended, “and it was much nicer before it was torn and sullied by your men outside.”

“Well, I’m afraid it just won’t do,” he decided. “You see, I have a lovely dinner prepared this evening and I couldn’t allow you to dine with me in tattered rags.”

“You’ll feed me?” you realized aloud.

“If you choose to accept my hospitality,” he clarified, and the way he said it made your skin crawl; there were no friendly dinners with pirates, you knew that much.

“Your kindness is… appreciated,” you half-lied, “but I cannot accept. I’ll go to the brig.”

“No, you won't. You’ll be spending the night in my quarters. With me,” he added, making his intentions exceptionally clear.

“I most certainly will not!” you defended, incensed. His jaw tightened as he glared at you, just for a moment, before he turned calm and polite again.

“I could leave you to my crew,” he offered casually. “Forty-eight drunken sailors who haven’t seen a woman since we left port eight months ago... I imagine they would be considerably less kind with you.”

You swallowed, but the lump in your throat didn’t go down.

“So, get changed and join me for dinner,” he instructed. “There’s something you can wear in that closet over there,” he explained as he motioned to it, “and a screen you can change behind.”

It was an odd request, but frankly, you were in no position to refuse it. He walked to the other end of the expansive quarters to examine something on his desk, and you awkwardly made your way to the closet to acquire the garment before you ducked behind the screen.

You didn’t really feel comfortable changing at this point, and you didn’t really trust that he would give you privacy; you stalled for quite some time, just waiting for him to suddenly appear and try to catch you nude, but the moment never came, and you finally relented and began to undress.

Admittedly, it was nice to peel the wet, cold nightgown from your skin and slip into something warmer. The dress he’d provided was a burgundy silk pattern, much more flamboyant and revealing at the bust than anything you would wear in your spare time, but you still indulged in running your hands over the soft fabric and toying with the lace hem of your sleeves briefly. It was slightly old-fashioned and it made you wonder how he’d come upon a dress like this in the first place, let alone what compelled him to keep it.

You tried to tie the lace up the back but couldn’t quite get them all, bending your arms awkwardly to try to reach but sighing as you realized it was useless.

“Um… Captain?” you called out sheepishly.

“Yes?” he answered immediately, voice echoing from across the room.

“Could you help me with the bodice here?”

You didn’t really see him step behind you, but you heard him come closer and felt the warmth of his presence. He delicately brushed his fingers over the back of your neck, ostensibly to make sure your hair was out of the way, before taking the strings in his hands and lacing your dress the rest of the way, tightening it slightly. “Not too tight, is it?” he asked quietly.

“It’s fine, thank you,” you nodded as he tied them. You expected him to walk away but when you turned around he was still there, staring down at you with eyes that were darkened at yet sparkling in the candlelight. “Should I put on jewelry as well?” you asked nervously.

“No, this will do nicely,” he announced, his voice a little deeper than it had been before, his fingers reaching up to brush over your exposed clavicle. “You look beautiful.”

“Um, thank you,” you answered hesitantly, glancing away from his all-consuming gaze.

A heavy silence filled the space between you before he finally broke it with a smile. “The table’s set, you can take your seat,” he explained, stepping back and giving you room to walk to the dining table; it really was a fine meal, one you recognize as stolen from the kitchens of the ship you had been on before, the one that was rubble at the bottom of the sea now. “Is it to your liking?” he prompted, making you realize you were forgetting to mind your manners. It was probably best to stay on the good side of such a dangerous and unpredictable man.

“It looks delicious, thank you,” you rushed as he pulled your chair out for you, and you flattened your skirts to take your seat.

And it wasn’t a lie; around the candelabra was an array of meats, cheeses, and fruits, even some small tarts presumably for dessert. Any other circumstance and you would feel comfortable digging right in.

He didn’t sit across from you right away, moving instead to a liquor cabinet which he knelt before. “I have red wine, aaaand some mead,” he offered as he searched through bottles, picking two to show you. “Or are you a moonshine sort of girl?” he asked with a wink.

“I’ll just take the wine, thank you,” you mumbled. He nodded and poured you a goblet, unsubtly eyeing your cleavage from his new vantage point. You motioned that he’d given you enough, leaving him to pour his own drink and cork the bottle again before taking his seat.

“I hope you don’t mind if I pray before the meal,” he interjected suddenly, “I’m a devout Catholic.”

“Oh, go ahead,” you nodded.

He chuckled slightly, making you feel foolish. “I’m joking, obviously. I’m a pirate.”

“I didn’t want to make any assumptions,” you mumbled. “I’ve heard pirates are superstitious, after all.”

“So religion is superstition?” he mused, lifting his goblet to take a drink.

“That’s… not exactly what I meant,” you compromised as you shifted in your seat.

He just looked at you, seeming to relish in your discomfort, as he began to eat from his plate, still staring at you. "You're not eating," he finally noticed.

"I suppose I've lost my appetite," you weakly explained, pushing a grape across the plate with your fork.

"Is it me? Do I… repulse you?"

You couldn't determine if the question came from insecurity or was some sort of trick. "Um… no," you answered. "But it is the circumstances you've put me in."

"I really mean no harm. It's been many years since I've had a chance to enjoy the company of a beautiful woman for dinner, that's all."

"But I'm spending the night here?" you remembered.

"Yes," he agreed.

No harm indeed, you thought to yourself as you nearly rolled your eyes. "You dishonor me," you protested. "My fiancé—"

"I think we both know he's dead," he interjected sternly.

"He made it to a lifeboat," you informed the Captain.

"Do you not hear the storm outside?" he scoffed, standing up to approach his window and throw open the curtain, revealing the heavy rainfall and lightning strikes on the water. "No lifeboat could withstand that."

Just as you hoped to find something to say to break the silence, something that would distract from his obvious and unfortunate truth, but he spoke again first.

"Say, shouldn't it have been the women and children first?" he realized with a furrowed brow, turning back from gazing out the window to examine you. "How did he make it on and you didn't?"

"There… there was only room for one more…"

"He took your spot," Jefferson realized, before suddenly bursting into laughter. You frowned and felt your eyes sting as you looked at the napkin in your lap. "And you say I dishonor you, when your betrothed left you to die so he could save himself!"

He walked closer, and you tried harder to fight your tears as he leaned in right in front of you.

"We really should thank him for his cowardice, shouldn't we? He's made you the only survivor of the wreck of the Princess Marianna," he grinned, and in a moment of weakness to your anger, you looked up and slapped him across the face.

"It wasn't a wreck, it was a siege," you corrected with shaking anger as the Captain rubbed his cheek, "and I'm not a survivor, I'm a prisoner!"

"Is this how you think prisoners are treated?" he snapped, grabbing your wrist tightly when you reached out again. "Dressed in silk, given fine wine?"

"Stolen wine," you grimaced, "and I assume the same for the dress?"

"No, the dress wasn't stolen. It belonged to the woman I loved before she died."

You straightened suddenly, stunned by his confession. You hadn't even considered that a pirate could really love. "I… I'm sorry."

"So forgive me if I can't muster much sympathy for your dead fiancé, it's just that I can't imagine claiming to love someone and choosing myself over them," he explained with ill-concealed contempt, looking away. "I'd have given my life to save her. But there are no lifeboats in a plague."

Your eyes that watered with rage before now brimmed with sympathy; the hand that reached up strike him before now delicately cradled his face, soothing where his cheek began to turn red. "My mother…" you trailed off. "The plague took her as well. It's cruel to see someone you love rot away."

He looked back at you again and you felt exposed to his stare, like he could see right through you.

It made a chill run up your spine, but it was oddly pleasant. He held out his hand for you to place yours in, guiding you to stand before him as he drank in the sight of you.

"You haven't had any wine," he realized softly. "Drink."

Hesitant but entranced by him, you grabbed the goblet from the table and took a sip. His hand gently tilted the bottom further, encouraging you to drink more, until you were gulping down the whole portion. As you finished, a drop fell down from the corner of your lips; his thumb wiped it away, and he brought the digit to his mouth as he sucked off the flavor from his own skin.

You didn't even mean to watch him dart his tongue out and lap up the liquid, but it made your thighs clench of their own volition. "Sweet," he whispered, and you forgot he was talking about the wine.

He took the goblet from your hand and set it down, turning his attention back to you as he ran his fingers over your shoulder, gentle enough to make little goosebumps prickle your skin all over. His gaze trailed over your face in the same pattern that his fingers did, his delicate touch making you shiver as he caressed your cheek, your jaw, your lips and finally your chin which he lifted slightly.

“Kiss me,” he requested softly.

More willing than you expected or were willing to admit, you leaned in closer to him and pressed your lips to his, chaste at first before he started to pull you closer and move his lips with yours. It was him that traced the shape of your mouth with his tongue before sliding it between your teeth, breathing heavier through his nose and wrapping his arms around you tighter.

You found yourself being pushed back, guided to his Captain’s desk, which he lifted you just enough to set you on. Without breaking the kiss— though it did become much hungrier and more intense— he roughly hiked the skirts of the borrowed dress up your legs, grabbing you tightly as he held you by your thighs.

Perhaps you could blame it on the alcohol, but you weren't even really feeling it yet and you were melting into his touch, moaning softly against his lips. Just when you were beginning to really like his fingers rubbing circles on your inner thighs, he removed his hands from your skirts. Instead his hands fumbled at your back to loosen the very same lacing he had helped you to tie before, releasing you from the dress just enough that he could tear the front down to expose your breasts, which he instantly reached up to grope in the palm of his hand while you both sighed a little at the feeling.

"Beautiful," he sighed as he started to kiss his way to your ear, biting gently around it. "So beautiful…"

You were devoid of words or even thoughts, operating only on primal instinct as you shuddered and fumbled with his coat and vest, hoping to see more of him in return. He smiled against your skin, apparently pitying you enough to lean back and help remove his layers of clothing. When you pulled his scarf away, you gasped at the sight of a scar that encircled his entire neck.

"How did you—?" you began to ask with a concerned whisper.

"I was sentenced and hung for piracy," he explained quickly. "It didn't take."

He kissed you again as he kept stripping with your rushed assistance; you didn't get it all off, just enough to leave him in a loose-fitting undergarment that revealed his scarred, masculine chest which moved with every deep breath he took.

Your fingers trailed down the expanse of skin, your breath a little heavier as you found the belt of his trousers. He grinned and opened it himself with one hand, while the other moved under your skirts again, drifting higher and higher until he finally swiped a finger through your sex.

The feeling made you choke on nothing, and he did it again, gathering and encouraging your arousal. You never got a look at his member, your clothes blocking you from seeing anything useful, but you could feel the shape of it pressing into your thigh.

You didn't know enough about what to expect to be sure that it was particularly large… but you were intimidated either way.

His forehead rested on your shoulder as he guided the thick, spongy head through your folds, seeking your entrance hastily. Even just that pushed your lips wide apart, your head getting dizzy as you realized he intended to put that inside of you. When he found it, just barely beginning to push forward, he straightened up to stare down into your eyes.

“Look at me,” he demanded. “Look at me when I take you.”

Blinking quickly, you did as you were told, looking up at him and feeling your gut sink and your heart twist at the idea of being stripped of your decency in such a way by this man. It was hard to believe it was really happening; it was hard to comprehend the way it titillated you.

All at once, he shot his hips forward and filled you, making you nearly scream though you managed to suppress it to a gasp. He watched you closely the whole time, giving only one moment of stillness to adjust before he began to pull back and start the cycle all over again, each movement stretching you wider than you had ever dared to imagine.

His expression was almost blank, almost unreadable, except for his eyes; they burned with enough passion to consume you in the flames, seeming not to blink as if he couldn’t miss even a moment of your pain and your pleasure.

Releasing you from his stare, he looked at your lips instead which he captured in another dominating kiss, one that trailed over your jaw as he began to really find his pace and increase the brutality of his body carving its space inside yours. More than anything, you focused on keeping your eyes shut and trying to distract yourself from it so wouldn’t audibly moan.

His tongue and lips laved your neck as he thrusted into you, the shadow of stubble on his face just enough to scratch your skin while his hands guided your legs to wrap around his hips. You would surely fall limp onto the desk if he didn’t cling onto you so tightly, strong and calloused hands clutching your back.

When he reached some very specific place inside you, a jolt of energy through your body shot your eyes wide open and your hands up to clutch at his shoulders. “Oh—!” you choked, gasping for air as he drove the head of his cock right into it again. He pulled away from your neck to smile down at you proudly, watching you moan and shiver at the overwhelming sensation.

“Didn’t know it could feel good, huh?” he taunted huskily. “Didn’t think you’d like it?”

He continued his assault on your neck, sure to leave a mark now, and it was all you could do to hang on for dear life as he slammed into you, the loud noises of his skin on yours filling the room.

Pressure built and built inside you, threatening to seize up at any moment. His speed kept increasing, kept pushing you to the edge faster and harder until you cried out, your nails digging into his shoulders as your body tightened and relaxed rhythmically.

“Oh god,” he moaned, right against your ear, “beautiful… you can’t imagine how wonderful it feels when you let go for me.”

He didn't slow down even slightly, keeping you suspended in pleasure with every desperate thrust into your pliant body.

"Do it again," he demanded darkly, but you were already spilling over the edge and sobbing at the onslaught of sensations filling you from the top of your head to the ends of your toes (which curled without you even realizing). He grunted as your walls gripped him with every wave of pleasure, his fingers digging into your supple flesh, sure to leave marks in the morning. "That's it," he purred, "give me everything."

You realized with dawning horror that his moans were getting louder and deeper but he showed no signs of stopping to finish outside. “Wait—”

“Fuck,” he hissed against your ear, holding you tighter as you started to squirm. “You’ll make me come.”

“Not inside,” you whimpered, swinging your arms to try to push him away, “you have to— please take it out—”

He growled and grabbed your wrists roughly, making you yelp a little. “You’re mine now. I’ll do with you what I please.”

“No, I can’t,” you whined.

“You can,” he promised through his teeth. “You can take all of it, beautiful… you can take every last drop of my seed inside you.”

You sobbed and struggled but ultimately as you felt his cock begin to flex against your channel and heard his panting breaths against your ear, you knew it was too late and he was spilling himself within you. He groaned and you let out one last weak whimper, going limp in his arms as you felt warmth begin to bloom from your core where he’d filled it.

The only grace he could’ve given you in that moment was just to leave you alone, toss you into the brig like you would’ve preferred in the first place, but he couldn’t even do that: he stayed inside you, holding your face and kissing you slowly while he caught his breath, mumbling praises you didn’t care to parse.

He carried you to his bed, undressing you from the gown until you were bare and had only his body to shield you from the draft in the room.

"I never told you something about my beloved," he whispered in your ear as he cradled your body under the blankets of his bed. "When she passed, she was with child. I lost both of them… and now you'll be filling their space and giving me what she couldn't, what I'm owed."

You blinked blankly through silent tears that streaked down your temples.

"Oh! And I never told you the name of this lovely vessel you'll be residing on," he realized with a breathless chuckle. "Welcome, darling, to the Devil's Fortune. I hope you enjoy it here… because I won't ever let you leave."

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[coconut-cluster]

Can we... Can we learn more abt the dealmaker girl please

I’m so glad you asked :)) (also thank you @actuallyrandomperson @ineffabledepression and @saibug1022 for asking as well 💕)

under the cut bc. i am me so it is long

okay so I’m finally using the name on a real character instead of a vague idea, her name is Elodie O’Neill

I’m not super well versed with the alignment chart but if I’m remembering correctly she’s chaotic neutral

she’s one of those people who is good (not fantastic, but pretty good) at school but never mentions it so you just kinda assume her grades are just okay

(she mostly works hard in school bc she sells homework answers and people are more willing to buy if they get good grades)

((she hates science tho. loves economics and english. good god she hates science so much))

the worst caretaker the house ever has, an absolute creep named Davenport, despises her with his entire being (the feeling is mutual)

^^ admittedly she did steal his wallet when he first arrived at the school. but he ended up deserving it. so

she’s a cunning gal who mostly just enjoys a little mischief and is generally unimpressed with the weird stuff that goes on around the school

she’s big on deals (...obviously) and favors, but as Camila (the girl in the main mystery gang) finds out, Elodie doesn’t do the whole “you owe me” thing when kids are actually in need

(She also doesn’t find it very fun to bother people who are under the radar - like Marcelo, the kid in their house who genuinely for the love of ALL that is holy just wants to do his GODDANG homework and not worry about all the wack stuff that happens in their stupid house. They’re actually friends because she lets him specifically just vibe and keeps him out of her various plots)

Elodie’s parents SUCK and she refuses to talk about them, which is fine but also bad because the one time her mom actually comes to the school to see her is for an event El organizes (for a project) and two kids from the house mess with it without knowing how much it means to her, so that. ends oh so well.

Camila and the crew (Oz and Simon) go to her when they need distractions, something stolen (like keys, not. wallets. Elodie does that of her own accord), and she teaches them how to pick locks at one point

all the kids in the house end up being affected by the mystery of the school - whether it’s their connection to its history or run ins with weird happenings or, like in Elodie’s case, secondhand (and at one point very unfortunate firsthand) involvement with its solving - but Elodie never really talks about her issues with the others, so she ends up struggling with things largely on her own

(namely recurrent nightmares)

she’s not really....friends? with most of the house? Obviously she and Marcelo are chill, and she’s cool with Oz because he also likes pranks and such, but in general, she’s pretty closed off and snarky enough that the other house members don’t really push for friendship.

she’s basically shocked into friendship with Camila - she needs El to keep Davenport distracted one night, and when she asks Camila how she’ll compensate (mostly jokingly, since people usually just pay like a normal transaction), Camila thinks for a second and says “...coffee?”

And Elodie blinks a few times bc. what. And Camila’s like “you drink coffee all the time. and that good cafe is all the way on the other side of town. so I’ll bring you coffee from there for like a week as payment”

it’s fun, it’s new, and yes Elodie is absolutely addicted to coffee, so after a minutes she’s like “ya okay” and Camila positively brightens bc she did NOT think that would work

and after that, Elodie starts talking to Camila more bc she’s just full of slightly off-the-wall ideals, and also continues to bring Elodie coffee even after their deal is technically over

Camila panics one time when one of the other kids at the house catches her coming in late (girls’ rooms are on the top floor so she’s always out of her room longer than Oz and Simon) and says she was hanging out with Elodie bc it’s the first nonsuspicious thing that pops into her head

^^ that kid (Kristopher, leading half of the knucklehead best friend duo) misinterprets that, which leads to him giving two tickets to a nearby museum to Elodie (his mom sent them but he doesn’t like museums) despite her being very confused about why he specifies she could take Camila

(She asks Camila about it later, and after getting a very apologetic explanation, she thinks it’s hilarious and also asks if Camila actually does want to go to the museum with her. since they have the tickets and all)

Camila is absolutely delighted to learn that Elodie thinks puns are the height of comedy, which she finds out when she makes a dumb joke to Oz and Simon at the table one morning and Elodie starts laughing from across the room

[majorxmaggiexboy]

the grinning man and/ or hadestown??

thanks, Ali! :D

- Hadestown -

Favourite Character: the tall worker/patron. ms. afra hines’ Tavern Patron. Ms. Jewelle Blackman’s Fate. Orpheus.

Least Favourite Character: not at all in terms of “I Don’t Like This Character” or “I dislike this character” but just in the sense of, “I Enjoy Every Other Character Just A Little Bit More”, it’s Hades  for me 😱

Favourite OBC Cast Member: i don’t actually know much about any of them, but i think Ms. Hines has great vibes and am also fond of Mr. Hughes and, of course Mr. de Shields.

Favourite Current Cast Member (If Applicable): i have Zero idea what’s even happening with the show rn so instead i’ll say that i really like what i’ve seen of Ms. Nabiyah Be’s work and enjoyed her as Eurydice

Favourite Song: that part in Lover’s Desire where Orpheus is going off on the La La La’s and it sounds like he should be flitting about like some kind of happy little Sprite. also If It’s True. also the part in Wait For Me when Orpheus sings “and I am not alone” and u can hear Hermes sing it with him. also the part in Wait For Me where there’s that kind of background/overlay of “I’M COMIIIIIIN” also If It’s True, also Wait For Me II, also Chant III

Least Favourite Song: i think it’s Hey Little Songbird? again not as in i dislike it at all, it’s just

Favourite Act (If Applicable): ooooooh...i...i think Act One? but...no it kinda depends on the day/mood, i think. Act One when i want some happyjoy and act 2 for angry depression with a lil hopeful streak thrown in.

Favourite Ship: i friend!ship Persephone with the Tall Worker. but also heck yeah Eurypheus

Least Favourite Ship: i don’t personally enjoy seeing Hades paired up with anyone in this musical who is not Persephone. Especially in certain contexts.

If There is Something I Would Change about The Musical: Papers.

Ratings: 10/10 for me. Maybe 9.5 if i’m nitpicking but, idk for me Hadestown, especially the Broadway one, is just really satisfying.

- The Grinning Man -

Favourite Character: i’m so weak for Bristol!Quake and honestly it’s so out of character for me and i have no excuse but. :/ Also, Gwynplaine is The Certified Primary Designated Favorite of the situation.

Least Favourite Character: i think i’m gonna have to go with Ursus? just bc the way things play out with him, while dangling in a similar manner to Jojo and Dirry-Moir,  irks me more in a character like Ursus than it does in characters like Dirry-Moir and Josiana

Favourite OBC Cast Member: so, Bristol? Probably Ms. Gloria Obianyo. I just love her Lady Trelaw and Quake. I also quite liked Mr. Angell as Mojo’s Head/Archbishop Kupsak :3 Ms. Brisson’s Dea is also my favorite Dea.

Favourite Current Cast Member (If Applicable): for London it’s gonna be Lady Trelaw/Quake again. Ms. Mackay’s Please Don’t Take My Little Boy reprise is intense and powerful in a completely different way.

Favourite Song: “The heart of our story is clear to me now/Oh, Dea, my love, it’s the fire in your heart/We found truth in the dark of the night/That shone bright on the darkest of nights/You always said pain would make us strong/And you were right, Dea, you were right./But noooow that I can seee my paaaain and Know the Hidden Face Of It I’m Grasping What Myy Mother And My Father tried to saaaaay to me/As they stood with stools beneath them and with nooses ‘round their necks the thing that they were fighting for was strength to look into the eyyyyyyyyyyyes of someone who is maiming you and SEEEEE THAT THEY’RE THE SAAAAAAME AS YOOOOOOOOOOOUEH/YOU DIDN’T CUT MY FAAAAAAAAACE/AND IN YOUR BURNING HEEEEEAAAART/URSUS DIDN’T CUT! MY! FAAAAAAACE/DEA YOU HAVE KNOWN THAT FROM THE STAAAAAART/AND WHEN I LOOK. IN THE EYYES. OF THE MAN. WHO. DID/AND WHEN I LOOK. AT THE MAN. WHO CUT. MY. FACE./I SEE MYSELF. AND WHEN I LOOOK IN THE EYYYYYYES OF THE WOMMMAN I LOVE. I see myself. there. tOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR KISS OF LOV” just. that whole bit.

also looooooove love love Laughter is the Best Medicine, By the Laws of Every Land, and every edition of Labyrinth. I have no standards when it comes to Labyrinth. I want them all. oh! and that part of born broken when they’re like “STRONG AS THE HEART/LOOK AT THE SMILE/OF YOUR MOTHERLESS *seagull meme* CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLD” i want to say Freak Show too but idk if it’s the song i like or if i’m just in love with that Thing mr. maskell does with his lack of bones in the london edition.

Least Favourite Song: I Have Never Seen A Face Like This. it’s good and fun and catchy but i get this weird sense of embarrassment and just don’t like the scene.

Favourite Act (If Applicable): Act Two! Mostly everything between the Wedding and them walking into the audience. But i also enjoy the dungeon scene for reasons that admittedly do include exactly what one would expect but also bc Gwyn just sitting there asking no questions and kind of dissociating through the whole thing and then just straight up fainting is a big mood and i respect it. and am gutted at not getting to see London’s take on it.

Favourite Ship: Dea/Gwyn

Least Favourite Ship: Josiana/Dirry-Moir

If There is Something I Would Change about The Musical: first of all and most importantly, crucially, critically and off utmost essentiality, at the part where he sees his mother after the duel and he goes and falls to his knees in front of her and she’s caressing his face and singing “please don’t take my little boy...” and he’s looking up at her with this utter exhaustion in his eyes, it is at that point that Gwynplaine Trelaw would address his mother as ‘mama’ in the most tender, exhausted, half-pleading and broken tone since the invention of speech, and it would be emotional devastating, so jot that down. either Ursus would know from the beginning that Dea’s his daughter, or it’d be like the book where she isn’t his biological daughter at all. Dea would get her own sort of ‘I Want’ song and would also sing the line “Surely I once had a mother” at some point, the “blood-red hair” thing would either not exist or just wouldn’t be tetris’d in so awkwardly, Dea and Gwyn’s kissing would be different- during the first Beauty and the Beast, she’d still kiss him on the mouth, over the bandages of course, bc Audience Perception, but outside of the performance, and especially for the Big Damn Kiss at the end, it would be shown that kissing has to work differently for the two of them. Dirry-Moir and Josiana wouldn’t wind up together in the end. They’d both show at least the beginnings of actual change in their character. Gwyn would have at least a couple lines about how messed-up society is and would have that going as a little background/secondary conflict. Probably handle his arrest differently and cut the meeting with Josiana/move it to later in the show and switch up the context a little. Let Dea go slam off at some point. Lord and Lady Trelaw sing the “strength to look into the eyes...” up through “...and see that they’re the same as you” with Gwyn and then walk offstage together, holding hands. hmmm...probably change up Please Don’t Take My Mother and The Drowning Song a little bit. Throw in a very short, dark reprise of Beauty and the Beast before Gwyn leaves Dea in the cart. He’d take the Beauty puppet with him, just kind of absently, and that would explain why “it was among your possessions” even tho Bark hadn’t yet swung by Ursus’ cart. I’d probably have Gwyn’s speaking voice, and his singing voice when addressing any character except Dea, be a bit chopped up. Maybe have him sing differently depending on whom he’s talking to, just to illustrate say during Freak Show how the audience is hearing him, vs. how Josiana’s feeling about him during Brand New World. Dea always gets his ‘real’ voice except in moments like the first Beauty and the Beast, which is an act. Ursus' arc would be treated differently in one of two ways. idk how exactly but the whole thing where Gwyn’s able to forgive Barkilphedro would be tweaked too just so the “I look at him and see myself” thing would make a little more sense. My version of this show would be like 3 hours long tbh also Gwyn would react to the realization that Ursus was there (thank you, London) and would have the decency for his voice to break on “when I look at the man who cut my face” (also thank you, London) while we’re thanking London, the proverbial third run in my heart also very much includes Gwyn’s hand-flapping and little noises. and would include some Shaky Trembly Acting from Gwyn as well at different parts of the show, especially toward the end, bc That Is One Tired Boy. and and and during the dungeon scene Gwyn would spend a lot of it looking specifically at Quake’s baton.

oh, and the otter on Josiana’s breakfast tray? there’d be a second one but it would be a whole Otter and it would be with Osric at all times bc i’ve decided that the Stokes-Croft kitten is actually an otter.

Ratings: 8/10 docked points for the stronger profanity since i personally am not a fan, and also the story has its definite flaws and things i don’t really care for. less overall technically satisfying than Hadestown BUT also caters to my exact interests in multiple ways, has excellent music, i love the story, Dea and Gwyn are beautiful together, it has definitely captured my heart and imagination and i absolutely thrive on all its layers and nuances. in my emotions it’s a 10.

[rainymeadows]

I rewatched Eternal Diva and this time I took notes as I went through

Dive under the cut if you dare to experience my mad in-the-moment ramblings (warning for spoilers for pretty much the entire prequel trilogy)

-          Don Paolo’s voice sounds like what Papyrus’s voice probably should

-          Winter Layton is precious in that giant coat

-          Janice is so pretty omg an angel

-          Layton geeking out over the Detrogan is goddamn adorable

-          I love how everything is greyed out in Janice’s flashback

-          Suuuuuuuuper subtle indication that maybe “Janice” seeing how young this little girl was is what prompted her to find a way to put an end to this whole thing

-          Whether it’s a moped or the Laytonmobile, Emmy drives like crazy XD

-          Bitch you ain’t on Top Gear

-          God her big sister relationship with Luke is adorable tho

-          Aaaaaaaaaaaah Layton smiling at their banter dad’s so happy for his son

-          They did such a good job reusing the game’s music for this movie

-          The opera house looks so cool but so precarious – my first thought upon seeing it was “when is this thing going to sink”

-          I MEAN IT’S ON A CLIFF

-          Janice’s voice is so pretty TToTT

-          I like that they kept the Japanese vocals for her singing

-          SONG OF THE SEA-SHADOWING

-          I hate that Layton and Luke were the ONLY people to honestly applaud the performance. Everyone else is a DICK

-          First time I saw this dude, I thought “that’s a puppet, no ordinary person moves like that even in animation”

-          Once again, Layton putting a polite and gentlemanly spin on “fucked if I know, my dude”

-          Lol I love that even the people who didn’t applaud and thus apparently knew what they were in for weren’t down for dying

-          Fuking cowards

-          Layton is always DTF (down to fight)

-          GROSKY OF THE YARD

-          FUCK YES

-          This dude’s manliness is infectious

-          “Gee, I wonder who’s behind this-“ *Descole’s theme starts playing* “-oh well never mind”

-          Honestly who else but Descole would be this fucking extra tho

-          Gotta admit I love the twist of the opera house being a ship, I was totally expecting it to just go plunging into the ocean at a moment’s notice

-          Aaaaah the CG in this movie is really well done

-          Layton’s angry face is kinda ridiculous but I love it

-          I love that it’s pointed out like “where tf did all these sharks come from”

-          I prefer Cartoon Saloon’s Song of the Sea, but this one’s pretty too

-          Lol as if a MAN-EATING SHARK could keep down GROSKY OF THE YARD

-          I’m surprised he can see over the top of his chest hair

-          God, the detrogan is such a cool instrument and I really wish something like it existed irl

-          Ah, it’s only like fifteen sharks, Grosky will be fine

-          I love the air of mystery surrounding Oswald Whistler

-          Layton’s hat is made of 100% pure uncut husband material

-          AAAAAAAAAAAAAH I LOVE HOW PUZZLES ARE USED IN THIS MOVIE IT’S SO GOOOOOOOD

-          I’m so glad they didn’t scrap it entirely coz I mean they’re so integral not only to the Layton games, but Layton himself

-          This music box tune kinda gives me Gravity Falls vibes tbh

-          I think the backing melody sounds pretty identical to the tune’s intro

-          I love that this movie actually lets us see inside Layton’s head and his thought process, it’s so much better than just having him put everything together seemingly offscreen

-          Tbh any puzzle where “the night sky” is the solution is bound to be a good puzzle

-          I just fucking love the implied MASSACRES in this movie

-          God Luke is so goddamn precious

-          Pffft pumpkin dude is so subtly duplicitous

-          Okay I have ot pause for a bit to rant about layton’s design because it’s SO GOOD. Warm colours make him seem welcoming and kinda comfy and the simple facial features, while a bit Ditto-esque, do combine nicely with his overall shape to scream “friend”. Professor Layton is friend shaped. And of course there’s the popped collar to show that he’s cool, the high collared shirt gives a scholarly vibe, his shoes which I stg are plimsolls show a practical side and of course the quintessential top hat shows that he’s a Gentleman first and foremost. Add the amazing voice to that and BOI I DIE

-          Although I can’t help imagining that gif with the teddy bear slapping eyebrows onto its face to look angry whenever he gets mad

-          Luke is not friend shaped. Luke is son shaped.

-          Precious bab shaped

-          Wpw a sea captain I would never have guessed other than the “sailor” accent and the fact that you’re wearing a sailor’s uniform

-          Ugh I love these quiet moments where things can sink in and characters can just talk to each other, I really wish more movieswould do this

-          I love that even if you don’t have a literal look at his thought processes, you can still see Layton THINKINg

-          Agh Amelia is SO CUTe this series is so good at designing beautiful women and cute girls while also making them look DISTINCT

-          I like that they hinted at her intelligence by having her solve the puzzles by herself

-          One advantage a film has over the games is that the visual novel format kinda limits the dialogue, coz it’s hard to convey one charafter talking over another

-          I really like the side characters. They’re simple, yes, but they don’t really need to be complex

-          I will admit that the limits of Layton’s simple facial features means it can be hard to tell who/what he’s looking at sometimes…

-          “that man” asked me to write an opera, huh

-          WHY DOES NOBODY ASK WHO

-          Fuck descole’s theme is SO GOOD

-          WHERE DOES HE GET THE FUNDING FOR ALL OF THIS THOUGH

-          And Grosky boards the ship just in time for it to blow up XD I love this dude

-          I can only imagine his gigantic pecs act as a flotation device

-          Layton preventing Luke from looking at the exploding ship THIS MAN IS SUCH A DAD HE’S SO GOOD

-          I love this scene with Emmy investigating because these parent’s appearances are just enough to make it ambiguous whether they’re Nina or Amelia’s parents

-          Seeing them all wrapped up in blankets is kinda cute tbh

-          LET. THEM. SLEEP.

-          I wonder what Layton uses to keep his hat on?

-          Lol Emmy pushing a fossil aside to look at the map

-          I can only assume, given that they set off from the White Cliffs of Dover, that this island is SOMEWHERE off the coast of mainland Europe in about the same region as Spain

-          Ugh I LOVE Emmy’s uppercrust accent, the fact that she sounds like such a refined lady is such a fun contrast to her literal arse-kicking

-          Also this is totally BBC news lol

-          I love the detail of the historian’s scrapbook being kinda hodgepodge with bits falling out

-          And I love the Ambrosia Seal being super detailed but the subtle incorporation of a sheet music design

-          Gotta admit I totally thought this little banquet was poisoned on my first watch

-          Lol I love that pumpkin guy just KEEPS POURING THE WINE

-          Ugh that beach looks SO PRETTY, I want to go there

-          Janice is totally crushing on Layton, pass it on

-          D’awwwwww luke trying to befriend ‘melina’ is SO CUTE this boy must be protected at all costs

-          Layton how did you hear what she was humming from all the way over there

-          Why do so many anime characters have inexplicable super senses

-          Those wolves’ eyeliner is on point lol

-          “I’m not built for running” lol mood

-          FUCKING HELL DESCOLE WHO IS FUNDING ALL YOUR SHIT

-          HOW MUCH DISPOSABLE INCOME DO YOU FUCKING HAVE

-          Admittedly on my first watch I wasn’t as familiar with descole’s theme, but I saw that castle and I just thought “it’s descole, only he can be that extra”

-          The twist of using the cages for personal protection rather than to trap the walls is simple, but so clever

-          I love that Mr Whistler was one of those accidentally trapped outside. Keeps suspicion off

-          And I love Layton saying “well that solved PART of our problem”

-          YOU SHUT UP LADY THE PROFESSOR IS AMAZING

-          And then he trips and falls lol that’s what you get for wearing old man shoes

-          “Even a good gentleman needs to get some exercise!” pfft

-          Oh hey, they found the starter house that Descole was using while he was building that castle. I wonder what texture pack he’s using?

-          And here Layton puts MacGuyver to shame in the most Ghibli way possible

-          I’d love to see someone try to build this thing XD someone call the Mythbusters

-          Bjut I adore how even LAYTON isn’t sure how this fucking thing works

-          Fucking NERD

-          Yeah, these filmmakers were TOTALLY influenced by Ghibli

-          This is so Castle In The Sky, it hurts

-          “Hang on tight! NOT TO THE PILOT!” – best line in the movie

-          You can’t escape it, Layton. You is a dad

-          DID YOU GUYS NOT SEE LAYTON LAPUTA-ING HIS WAY IN

-          It’s great how all those puzzles seem like they could be ripped straight out of the Layton games, complete with outside-the-box bizarre thinking required to solve em

-          I’m so proud of Luke for solving it!!!!! Such a good boy

-          RUDE

-          Yeah, just stand in the middle of the suspiciously empty room, I’m sure nothing will go wrong

-          That’s what you get for shoving Layton aside, bitches

-          Lol I guess luke could just step through the bars if his head was a bit smaller

-          DESCOLE HOLY FUCK YOU ARE THE KING OF EXTRA

-          “humble scientist” GOOD GRIEF WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT YOU DRAMA QUEEN

-          I love that Emmy can FLY A PLANE

-          Holy shit grosky there are better ways to signal for help

-          And LESS GROSS WAYS TO DRY YOURSELF OFF IN A PLANE

-          Yeah, see, you lost your knickers

-          Ugh, god. I adore this scene with Layton in Melina’s room. It’s so quiet, the soft evening lighting… aaaaaaaaaaah so peaceful, but you can still feel the tension in the air, especially after Melina comes in

-          Oh my god, Layton plays like an angel *swoon*

-          The lack of background music in this scene is what makes it so perfect, the tension is so REAL

-          Lol I love the historian just standing there like ‘welp there they go’

-          NOOOOOOOOO LUKE DON’T CRY

-          BIG SIS IS HERE

-          Oh fuck yes

-          EMMY I LOVE YOU

-          God she and grosky are so fantastic XD

-          WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO FIGHT LIKE THAT EMMY

-          Somehow emmy gives me Michelle of the Resistance vibes

-          God, I kinda love it when you can tell Layton’s already put it all together and is just biding his time

-          AAAAAAAAAAH I love the subtle resemblance between Layton and what you can see of Descole’s face

-          In hindsight, that… stole? Is that what it is? The fur thing isprobably to hide his face shape because it most likely ups his resemblance to Layton

-          But he’s totally wearing black converse like the extra hipster nerd he is

-          God, I can’t even imagine the nightmare of having your memories overridden and personality suppressed

-          Aaaaaaaaaaaand here’s the summation. I love this part in pretty much every Layton thing

-          “Assisting you was the scientist, Jean Descole!” Descole: lol hi

-          LAYTON YOU ARE SUCH A DAD I LOVE YOU

-          Him being gentle with kids is so sweet

-          Also damn this backstory is a lot. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a loved one, but I’m not surprised a father would do anything he could to keep his daughter alive

-          “When did you realise I was involved” “ur an extra bitch who lives for drama, who else could it be”

-          That brief bit of Luke without his hat just makes him look even more BABY BOI MUST PROTECC

-          Okay real talk when did Janice get hold of the key

-          I’m guessing it was in the commotion when Mr Whistler grabbed Luke

-          SUCH A GOOD TWIST I LOVE IT

-          My heeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaart goddammit

-          In hindsight, the hint of Janice wearing Melina’s pendant was really subtle and clever

-          GODDAMMIT DESCOLE CAN YOU STOP BEING EXTRA FOR LIKE TEN SECONDS

-          It’s kinda cool that he’s an archaeologist too though. It really does run in the family.

-          The way Descole and Whistler’s schemes intertwined was really cool

-          Yeah, it just wouldn’t be Descole if there wasn’t some over-the-top machinery

-          YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MAGIC MUSIC THIS IS MY SHIT

-          When escaping from a crumbling castle, do be sure to grab your boy.

-          AAAAAAAAAGH THE SCENERY IN THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING GOOD

-          Good lord, there it is. Descole just can’t function unless he has some ridiculous Humongous Mecha at his command

-          This thing looks especially monstrous and I love it

-          I don’t think I’ve seen ANY faults in this movie’s animation, jesus Christ

-          Descole, did you learn nothing from the attempted excavation of Troy? It’s very possible that your efforts to unearth Ambrosia will be what destroys it!

-          Aaaaaaaagh this flying scene is intense as FUCK

-          Layton and Luke are SUCH A GOOD TEAM

-          WHAT IS THIS MUSIC I LOVE IT

-          Luke you are SUCH A GOOD BOY

-          Sorry but you’ll never be mob tho

-          Mob is perfection

-          JESUS CHRIST DESCOLE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL A CHILD

-          I was about to ask where that explosion came from but then I realised it was probably a petrol-powered chainsaw

-          Layton who told you that you could look this goddamn epic

-          But I love that he’s taking on the sword-armed Descole with a PIPE

-          That footwork tho

-          Layton must be an amazing dancer

-          So cool that he’s patiently explaining why Descole was wrong

-          Sun, stars and sea. I feel like that’s a Dothraki term of endearment meant for oceanfairing

-          MORE MAGIC MUSIC I AM BLESSED

-          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH THIS IS THE FUCKING COOLEST

-          I’M SUCH A SLUT FOR MAGIC MUSIC GODDAMMIT AND THIS IS DOUBLE TEAMING ME WITH SINGING AND PIANO

-          I do enjoy that despite its emergence, Ambrosia is still partially submerged. Some movies would’ve had it rise from the sea completely

-          Lol at Descole losing his shit because SOMEONE ELSE found the answer

-          Yeah, bad idea attacking someone right on top of your humongous mecha’s control panel

-          “DESCOLE!” dude he’s fine you really think he’d die

-          I was going to ask why Emmy didn’t use her plane but she probably couldn’t get to it in time

-          Yeah, this is SO Ghibli. The gigantic industrialised machine self-destructing on the ruins of an ancient civilisation lost to nature

-          Noooooooooo don’t do this to me movie, nothing kills me like sad flashbacks

-          Ow my heart

-          This hurts

-          “I’m sorry, Father. I’ve only ever brought you grief and sadness, haven’t I” as someone who’s struggled with depression this is a whole-ass mood

-          NO THIS HURTS STOP IT

-          Also the lil detail of Whistler’s waistcoat being the same shade of purple as Melina/Janice’s dress

-          NOOO DON’T MAKE LUKE SAD

-          “I’m so glad all of you were my very last memory.” Damn that line hits hard

-          GIVE THE GIRL A HUG, LAYTON

-          I said a hug, not a hand on the shoulder, she needs a HUG

-          Seeing the destroyed detrogan really hammers it home, huh

-          It’s very kind of Grosky to let Whistler play one last time in memory of his daughter

-          When I got into the Layton series, I was no expecting to be hit so hard with the FEELS

-          “Do you know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?”

-          GNU Ambrosia, I guess

-          Ugh it’s so PRETTY tho

-          Fucking sparkles and shit

-          D’awwwww, I love the image of Luke patching up the wolves, he’s so sweet

-          Knowing the truth about Emmy and seeing her being so happy with Layton and Luke makes it really painful :’(

-          The world needs more of Layton with a big, happy smile

-          Awww, Author Lady and Pumpkin Dude kept in touch

-          GROSKY GOT HIS UNDIES BACK

-          Ugh seeing Layton and Luke peacefully listening to that music is SO CUTE and SOFT

[vaguely-concerned]

SO I DID GET TO SEE GOOD OMENS AND TL;DR IT WAS EXCELLENT, I AM EUPHORIC

more thoughts and spoilers under the cut!

the FUCK YEEEEEEEAAAAAHs:

- mr gaiman you did it you made it even gayer I never even believed it was possible what is this 6000 years pining slowburn nonsense 

*ahem* to be more serious about it I loved that the show takes the emotional throughlines from the book and somehow both heightens and deepens them. 

- it really is phenomenally faithful to the book and the stuff it adds is mostly a m a z i n g. it kept me perfectly engaged despite me knowing what like 75% of the dialogue was going to be

- david tennant doesn’t quite go for the same energy as how I imagine crowley in the book -- in my head he’s more... idk how to explain it but the vibe is more someone grinning a bright fixed ‘this is totally my suave face’ grin while clearly continually going ‘oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck’ internally haha, to me he’s slightly less... mercurial? trying to play his cards closer to the chest? but you know what show!crowley is fucking hilarious too and I do like what they’ve done with him being less of an optimist at the core and more enjoying the world through his connection with aziraphale -- the sense of underlying loneliness you get in some places in the book has really been dialed up, he just wants a friend :( (which incidentally seems to be part of the reason he fe -- sauntered vaguely downwards too; he mostly wanted to hang out with someone, and today he still doesn’t really fit in with either the angels or the demons) 

- I can’t believe they managed to capture the feeling of ‘Under the ash and soot that flaked his face, he looked very tired, and very pale, and very scared’ on screen; it’s one of the moments of the book that really stuck with me and it worked so well here too, especially since the fallout of the situation stays with him longer

- this version of aziraphale is just. so lovely. so so good, literal precious angel who almost got his head cut off for crepes, I totally see why crowley persevered through the ages and his own intimacy issues, good call my friend. thank you michael sheen, every time this character showed up on screen I was filled with joy and delight

- I’m completely undone by how incredibly mutual their friendship is in this -- despite crowley being the more active in asking for connection it’s obvious all the way through how much aziraphale genuinely adores him and enjoys his company (even though he knows he shouldn’t and so continually needs to give himself some plausible deniability)

when aziraphale’s voice breaks as he’s like ‘don’t go’ after they’ve argued in the park and he’s just tried to pretend they’re not even friends? hahahahahahaha ouch my fucking heart

- sister mary loquacious was the most endearing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life, give that actress all the roles she’s got the charisma of the gods

- “not only a southern pansy, sergeant -- the southern pansy” got through and it was glorious (ditto shadwell’s naming schemes, I for sure thought that wouldn’t be mentioned but it’s so incredibly funny)

- crowley repeatedly and openly just... begging aziraphale to go off to the stars with him what the fick-freckedy-fuck

- Of the horsemen Pollution was my absolute fave (so cool and unsettling and nonbinary rep!!!!!!! also they feel like the youngest horseman in such a deep way, every credit to the actress that was great) and I really enjoyed the twist on Famine, making him seem more intense and hungry himself as part of his nature as opposed to in the book where he’s basically like... diet vetinari lol

- G A B R I E L  he was so perfectly awful... absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever he’s just a piece of shit all the way through and John Hamm was clearly having the time of his life with it and I too was living 

- crowley crying in the bar because he lost his best friend and there’s no point to even try to run away anymore if he’s alone, he’s just waiting for the end of the world ;____________________________________________________; what an addition, such a thoughtful way to steer his character arc, wonderful, spectacular

in the book it’s more about him finding his way through the fear and desperation and having lost everything back to his core ‘actually... fuck this there’s no situation I can’t snake my way out of let’s goooooooooo’ self, which is admittedly really cool and satisfying, but it feels like a shallower thing than finally reaching a point where he can no longer pretend he doesn’t care or doesn’t want things. (also... the way his will to live reignites the moment aziraphale needs him fjskadlfhaskdhfksldhfslkahdf “I’ll come find you” INDEED fjksdafhsdlfhsdalfh) 

- also a nice tiny change: the implication that reason he can drive the bentley through the flames is that he loves that car so fucking much, he’s invested so much of himself and his emotions in it over many years, like a sort of microcosm of how he feels about the actual world (and specifically humanity’s presence in it) that produced it

- the child actors were uniformly precious, and the kid who played adam got me right in the feelings. the sort of comedic sociopathy of kids thing going on in the book is downplayed, which means I was feeling all the more protective of this sweet sweet kid who just loves his dog and his friends and fjsdfklasjkh

- *sigh* my embarrassing crush on david tennant has been lying dormant these last few years, simply waiting for its chance to rise from the depths like a kraken yet again, and I am slightly unsettled that what really made it surface this time was him dressed up as evil Mary Poppins + the bathing suit, socks included. ah well the heart uh wants what it wants I guess 

- crowley is awfully quick to suggest child murder for someone who’s blatantly not willing to harm a hair on a kid’s head himself lawl the two of them just juggling the ‘but maybe you could like... quickly murder him so we could avoid all this???’ ball back and forth before madame tracy finally knocks some sense into them 

- the actress for madame tracy did such an amazing job that I literally forgot aziraphale wasn’t actually possessing her, ART

- fellas... is it gay to blow up a bunch of nazis for your ~*best friend*~ and save his books while actualfax romantic music swells in the background... asking for a friend 

- “anywhere you want to go” :):):):) oh no

- to be Sad at you for a second here... why the fuck did aziraphale immediately assume crowley wanted the holy water to use it on himself? is there like. a story here we don’t know. is this the fallout of going to check wtf the spanish inquisition was all about. I’m almost afraid to ask

- to be even Sadder: that ‘For Terry’ made me cry and I’m not ashamed to admit it

the awwww... okay I guess you can’t have EVERYTHINGs:

- the scene where crowley and aziraphale get wasted together after the antichrist is delivered is not quite as funny as it is in my head, but then I don’t think anything in the physical world could be as funny as the way I imagine them just like somberly leaning over the table at each other with little regard for personal space and drunkenly expounding on dolphins, so I’ll forgive it

- CGI satan was completely unnecessary and not even very well designed *shrug emoji* the whole point of that scene is that we never get to see him, just the mounting dread as he’s getting closer, and then the wordless reveal of who Adam considers to be his dad and that’s all that matters and even the devil is powerless against it... loved the ~*godfathers*~ giving a little literal angel/devil on my shoulder pep talk, tho, that was incredibly sweet

- ...the maggots huh neil. couldn’t leave them out huh. what a world it would be if we didn’t get to see a bunch of people get eaten by a writhing roomful of maggots huh. 

- ETA: actually one more: I refuse to accept this version of DEATH, hashtag not my reaper

[hyercns-blog]

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to stick out a two hour lab, cry while doing my connections page on my late lunch/packing break and napping in the car, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m kat, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, drag race ( i.. am team anyone but b*b* rn, no offence but my girl needs to come back to earth and stop rubbing me the wrong way sdfgkjgfd ( i think sh*ngela deserves it most despite being more of a tr*xie stan tho js ) ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself four months after its release rip !! i’m a uni student and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that comes with picking one over the other. you can hmu on d*scord if you’d like ( just find me in the gc and message me from there fkskf ) and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ wait, wait, was that JEON SOMIN i just saw? damn, it was actually just that TWENTY TWO year old MUSIC PRODUCER/BARISTA, YUN HYERAN. speaking of them, did you hear that they’re known as THE VIRTUOSO around gangnam? i guess it makes sense considering they act so EBULLIENT & LOYAL but at the same time so MAGNANIMOUS & DIFFIDENT. they’re also apparently a PANSEXUAL FEMALE OUTSIDER who uses SHE/HER pronouns. ( kat / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh this is a copied intro from a few months back and i don’t have the time to perfectly incorporate her recently developed bg, so pls anticipate a small bio with that explained HERE

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to gangnam bc.. idk, she just wanted to KDFJSGLGKFD

impulsive brat

would visit jeju island when she was younger bc her aunt lived there

she adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so overall jeju holds a special place in her heart

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short now that i’ve shortened it immensely iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said ( and will elaborate on in her bio ), her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal

spontaneous tbh, moving to gangnam was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a bit reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone

uhhh

has a good understanding of english, her mom’s an american national so she grew up with it being spoken in the house at times

prob speaks it better than i speak french, but still wouldn’t consider herself fluent

plays piano and bass guitar, but knows her way around a flute and tenor sax ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so if lucy sounds lacklustre.. you know why rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, just a bit, but god help her nonetheless

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

[trb-reacts]

The Raven Boys, Chapter 12

Adam wasn’t waiting by the bank of mailboxes in the morning.

Oh no. Please tell me Adam was fine and wasn’t caught. Tell me no one hurt our sweet, elegant boy. 

Actually, more properly, he’d used it as a place to turn around and head back the way he’d come. […] At the sight of Gansey’s Aglionby sweater, Adam’s father had charged out, firing on all cylinders.

Lol, oh, Gansey, turn around and head back the way he’d come. I’m also just very afraid for Adam though. If Adam’s father reacts this way to Gansey in his Aglionby sweater, just how exactly does Adam’s father react to Adam attending Aglionby?

For weeks after that, Ronan had called Gansey “the S.R.F.,” where the S stood for Soft, the R stood for Rich, and the F for something else.

Lol, something else, huh?

His watch said he had eighteen minutes to make the fifteen-minute drive to school.

It’s okay, Gansey, I’ve done 10 minute walks within 5 minutes, because I always leave the house too late and have no sense of time. I managed, though, and made it on time, with 2 minutes of lateness. Yay me. 

Noah had let him leave his journal behind at Nino’s after all, and its absence was surprisingly unsettling.

I’m sorry, Gansey, but how old are you? Noah let you leave your journal behind? Have a sense of responsibility, would you, tho I would admit that I would be exceedingly upset if I lost my journal full of my writings.

And Dick Gansey II had let his son know that if he couldn’t hack it in a private school, Gansey was cut out of the will.

He’d said it nicely, though, over a plate of fettuccine.

Oh, the rich people’s version of B+?? You only got a B+?? Only Asians get the threat of a beating (semi-kidding), while rich people get the threat of a fortune taken away with they get below a B. I wonder which one is worse. 

He felt the old fear creeping slowly out of his lungs.

Don’t panic. You were wrong about Ronan last night. You have to stop this. Death isn’t as close as you think.

… I would like to be reassuring and tell Gansey he’s right, except Whelk’s friend did die when they went on their quest to search for the king. And I mean, a beating and death is not that far apart for Adam, is it? I’m concerned, especially with this unexpected radio silence.

Adam must’ve taken his bike, he must’ve had work, he must’ve had errands to run and forgotten to tell him. The rutted drive down to the neighborhood was still empty. Come on, Adam. Wiping his palms on his slacks, he put his hands back on the steering wheel and headed for the school.

Gansey, I’m admittedly a little disappointed in you. School > friend? I mean, I get it, I’m a student crazy about my grade too and most of the time, the worse case scenario isn’t usually actually what happens, though, Gansey? You called him out last night, knowing that consequences would be bad if Adam was caught. You called him, asked him for a favor from one friend to another, and Adam granted it, gave it to you without much more than a second thought for his own wellbeing, because you asked. And now you leave your wait for Adam, without knowing what happened to him at all? You coulda at least went by Adam’s home to see if he is there and then walk in late to class, though I admittedly don’t know how well rich boarding schools take walking in late to class.  

Ronan was head of class in Latin. He studied joylessly but relentlessly, as if his life depended on it. Directly behind him was Adam, Aglionby’s star pupil, otherwise at the top of every class that he took. Like Ronan, Adam studied relentlessly, because his future life did depend on it.

He studied joylessly but relentlessly, as if his life depended on it. Oh, me in every single one of my classes. Joyless and relentless, because my future life depends on it. Not the star pupil like Adam, though I try. 

I’m also getting the Ronan/Adam vibe again. Adam, top in every single one of his class except for Latin, the only class that Ronan tries and therefore excels at. I wonder if Adam gets infuriated by Ronan, the way Ronan doesn’t care about anything including his own talent and intelligence, but shines so brightly when he does try like a light flickering to life at night. 

…. Would it be a stretch if I add ‘and Adam is helpless drawn by it, like moth to flame.’? Probably, but I don’t care. Ronan probably won’t burn Adam much tho. Probably. Hopefully. 

He’d originally resigned himself to taking Latin in order to translate historical texts for Glendower research, but Ronan’s proficiency at the language robbed Gansey’s study of any urgency.

I’m so both amazed by Gansey’s dedication to his reasearch to even consider learning an entire other language (i understand how tough learning another language could be, since I suck at it, even without considering reading and writing formal text in another foreign language) and amused by Gansey’s typical student laziness. I don’t need to take it? Great, not gonna bother then, thank you very much. 

Ronan hissed, “Where’s Parrish?”

Oh, no. Adam!! Also, Ronan cares~

Behind Gansey, someone punched his shoulder blade and said, Gansey boy! as they trotted by. Gansey halfheartedly lifted three fingers, the signal of the rowing team.

Gansey boy! Lol. Also, Gansey’s in the rowing team? He is popular.

A few months earlier, Gansey had offered to buy Adam a cell phone, and by so doing had launched the longest fight they’d ever had, a week of silence that had resolved itself only when Ronan did something more offensive than either of them could accomplish.

I’m so… I don’t know. I understand why Adam would be like, fuck you, I’m not a charity case, but at the same time… sometimes when you see your friend struggling, it physically hurts to have the means to help and just not be allowed to help. Gansey should say stuff like, “Oh, it’ll be easier to help me contact you, which would aid us in our quest. Also, think of this as me investing in you. You can pay me back for the phone later.’ Or just… sell Adam one of his old phone for cheap, idk. 

This reminds me of *spoiler if you haven’t read The Foxhole Court* Andrew buying Neil a phone and Neil looking at it like it’s the devil the first time around. Though, to be fair, Neil and Adam are in different circumstance here. 

Also, I’m so amused by this: a week of silence that had resolved itself only when Ronan did something more offensive than either of them could accomplish. Glad to see Ronan’s antagonistic nature has its perks. No one can seem offensive when in comparison to me!

Thank you, Ronan, thank you. 

“Lynch!” the call came again. “I’m going to fuck you up.”

Wow, that’s… a very strong sentiment. Also, wow, I just noticed but Ronan’s last name is Lynch. Lynch, as in, *give me a second to google the formal definition* 

lynch /verb/:

(of a mob) kill (someone), especially by hanging, for an alleged offense with or without a legal trial.

synonyms: execute illegally, hang, kill; informal string up

“he was lynched by the mob”

Lynch, with all those good feels here. The word lynch reminds of of martyrs and I wonder why I feel like Ronan would be the martyr, despite his strong personality implying/faking that he would be the one doing the lynching. 

Gansey contemplated if he could give Ronan a curfew. Or if he should quit rowing to spend more time with him on Fridays — he knew that was when Ronan got into trouble with the BMW. Maybe he could convince Ronan to …

Gansey boy!: the Mom Friend of the group. 

Gansey asked, “Why are you carrying that bag? Oh my God, you have that bird in there, don’t you.”

Whoops, I forgot about the raven. How could I forget about Chain Saw!! 

“If you get caught with that thing —” But Gansey couldn’t think of a suitable threat. What was the punishment for smuggling a live bird into classes? He wasn’t certain there was precedent.

Ronan, breaking boundaries and making history left and right. I feel like Ronan is the type that prompts people to make new, weirdly specific rules like, “Guys, please, place your hand over the bleaker and gently wave a bit towards you. By heavens, don’t stick it under your nose and sniff like you would with drugs and most of all, I can’t believe I have to say this, but Do Not Drink It! It’s not edible, do you hear me, and definitely do not miss your mouth and accidentally splash it all over your eyes and then knock everyone’s bleaker over and spill the contents all over someone else’s eyes! This is a Safe Zone, you hear me, and we’re gonna Keep It That Way.”

“If it dies in your bag, I forbid you to throw it out in a classroom.” “She,” Ronan corrected. “It’s a she.”

I love how Ronan corrected the impersonal ‘it’ to a ‘she’. Oh, Ronan is such a softie underneath everything. 

Though there was no reason to think Whelk cared about their conversation, Gansey had the strange idea that the lifted piece of chalk in Whelk’s hand was because of them, that the Latin teacher had stopped writing merely to listen in. Adam’s suspicion really was beginning to rub off on him.

Um, Gansey dear, actuallly, Adam’s suspicion is very well founded and also, just listen to your gut instincts. Your guts Knows, alright, it Knows, Gansey. 

Ronan caught Whelk’s eye and held it in an unfriendly sort of way.

Oh, I love Ronan. Stare ‘em down, Ronan, stare ‘em down. 

Because he despised everyone, Ronan wasn’t a good judge of character, but Gansey had to agree that there was something discomfiting about Whelk. A few times, Gansey had tried to hold a conversation with him about Roman history, knowing full well the effect an enthusiastic academic conversation could have on an otherwise listless grade. But Whelk was too young to be a mentor and too old to be a peer, and Gansey couldn’t find an angle.

If Gansey finds it discomfiting every time he can’t find an angle to talk to someone, he would not like my awkward little life or attempts at small talks. I’ll need to know you for a full three months before I can comfortably greet you without thinking ‘Am I overstepping my boundary? Can I greet them and acknowledge them outside of where we met? Do they even remember me or find my greetings too bothersome?’ Yeah, I have lots of anxiety about lots of stuff. 

 Also, Gansey’s such a nerd that he finds it weird when he can’t nerd out with someone who is supposedly a fellow nerd. 

Ronan kept staring at Whelk. He was good at staring. There was something about his stare that took something from the other person.

Me, covering my mouth with a hand, tear brimming my eyes as I reenact the ‘you’re doing amazing, sweetie’ meme. Probably shouldn’t be encouraging him, heavens knows Ronan doesn’t need more encouragement, but I love it when Ronan acts so... him. 

And: there was something about his stare that took something from the other person. I love it!

Gansey would’ve basked once more in the odds of Ronan of finding a raven, but at the moment, with Adam missing, his quest didn’t feel like magic; it felt like years spent piecing together coincidences, and all he had made from it was a strange cloth — too heavy to carry, too light to do any good at all.

Oh, love it. Some doubts from Gansey on his quest, the what-if my faith isn’t really faith, but rather delusions? What if there really isn’t magic and these coincidence (fate, magic) really are just coincidental events that a mad man strung together thinking that they had any correlation or significance at all? 

Also, I love the metaphor with a cloth!!  Too heavy to carry, too light to do any good at all; I spent too much time and energy and faith on it to abandon it now, and yet what had all the time and energy and faith invested really given me in return? Only strings of nothings connected by the thin, nebulous thread of ‘coincidences’.

"You seem to have an extremely large bag today, Mr. Lynch," Whelk said. "You know what they say about men with large bags," Ronan replied. "Ostendes tuum et ostendam meus?" Gansey had no idea what Ronan had just said, but he was certain from Ronan’s smirk that it wasn’t entirely polite. 

So, when faced with untranslated babbles of unknown because I’m not cultured enough to be fluent in more than one language, I can never resist finding out what they mean by turning to the trusty google translate. 

Before that, let me guess what he says without translating the Latin phrase and then maybe we can compare my guess to what he actually said. 

Guess 1:  “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have large baggages,” because symbolism is so my thing. Except Ronan’s Latin phrase ends in a question mark and I think symbolism about bags and baggages is more of my thing than Ronan’s. 

Guess 2: “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have huge dicks,” because I can imagine Ronan making a dick joke here, except that’s also not a question. Ronan, what did you say????

Okay, I’m gonna cheat. 

Final Guess:  “You know what they say about men with large bags. They have huge dicks, amiright?” There, I got the question mark in there now. Totally showed that stupid question mark. 

Answer: Ostendes tuum et ostendam meus?  = You show me yours and I will show

... I’m not entirely sure what that means, so here’s another two guesses, this time on what this translated Lain phrase mean. Gee, Ronan, I like you, but you’re driving me nuts. 

Guess 1: I’m totally right and it’s a dick joke. “You show me your, erm, jewels, and I’ll show you mine.” I like this one because I inappropriately like random oblique dick jokes in Latin, but also because it means Ronan is maybe not entirely straight so my ship with him and Adam might actually be able to leave the port. 

Guess 2: I’m sadly wrong and Ronan is a bright diamond, meaning he’s not only shiny and awesome, but also damn sharp. (Actually diamonds aren’t the sharpest, I’m thinking about... hardness. Diamond’s the hardest of all rocks, I think, and I just compared Ronan to a diamond, so I’ll just leave that here.) Ronan is onto Whelk and he knows that Whelk’s been keeping an eye on them, so Ronan is saying, “You show me your cards, your secrets, and I might impart mine as well, including telling you about what’s in my ‘extremely large bag’.” (I really needa stop making dick jokes.) 

Anyway, the second guess unfortunately sounds more plausible, though Ronan’s smirk seem to imply a bit more of the first guess. Yeah, I don’t know. Tell me if there’s an official interpretation of this or if I misunderstood?

"Being a shit in Latin isn’t the way to an A," Gansey said.

Ronan’s smile was golden. "It was last year."

Ronan’s smile was golden!! *cries* Oh, my son!! I love him so much. 

Adam never showed.

And the somber reminder came back. I really, really hope Adam is okay. I miss him, and I’m sure the boys do too.

[riverthemessiah]

long ass post.

it finally happened. 

i had envisioned this moment many times in my head before but if i’m being completely honest, a tiny, tiny part of me doubted it would ever happen. the much larger part of me, i guess, knew it would. 

i was at state and lake transferring from the red line to the green line and was halfway up the steps to the platform when it happened. this truck, my memory is telling me it was white but i’m not completely sure that’s a fact; all the cars are registering as white at the moment, had whipped around the rest of the cars traveling east on lake but stopped at the light at state, and parked itself so that the rest of the traffic was perpendicular to him. like the police do. for a millisecond or so there was a brief feeling of fear inside me. like what i feel when the police pull up doing shit like that; i know that when police do shit like that, someone might get murdered. but lo and behold, it was just some angry white man hopping out of his car to yell at some other driver. if it were another white person he was yelling at, or anybody other than a Black Woman, in all likelihood i would’ve kept up the steps and continued to mind my business, as i often prefer to do. but it was a Black Woman. 

people standing around watching were shocked. i would’ve been too had i not known these two truths i know: one, white people either have no understanding of the concept of personal space or they feel entitled to however much space they want to take up (hence this dude stopping traffic for a personal gripe) and two, as powerful as Black Women are, nobody in this society is afraid of them and nobody respects them, which puts them in immense danger all the time. for a second i stood frozen, watching, like everyone else, from halfway up the steps as this white man marched towards the Black Woman in the white sedan. (i’m a bit more positive her car was actually white). he was screaming about her having thrown something at his car. from what i knew at the moment and from what i would experience in the coming moments, he probably deserved it. 

i saw another, older, Black man ride up on a bike at some point during this exchange tho whether he did this before or after the white man got back in his car is unclear to me. i stood waiting for a sign that someone had best intervene; that i should if no one else does. when the white man called her a “fat bitch” and tried to open the Black Woman’s door, that was it. by the time i got to where the action was, mostly being carried by my own fantasies about what i’d do if ever put in this situation, he was back in his car. the older Black man was speaking calmly and fearfully to him thru the passenger window of the white man’s car, definitely stained with coffee or some other beverage that had been thrown at him. i hate that. i hate that older Black men tend to speak so gently and fearfully to white men. so cowardly. i mean, i get it; older Black people were raised by Black people who were alive when Emmett Till was killed, who were raised by Black people to whom white people were legally allowed to do and say much worse things than “slavery is over, get over it”, who were raised by Black people to whom that statement would’ve been blatantly untrue if stated. i get it. but this ain’t that, tho. similar, but it definitely ain’t that. 

i walked up to the car. the white man hadn’t pulled off fast enough and the older Black man wasn’t saying what i felt he should’ve been so i spoke. when i spoke i told him “gon get the fuck up outta here, bro.” the white man responded with “go fuck yourself.” he didn’t say it in an angry or threatening way, not the way he’d been speaking to the Black Woman, not at all. he said it in a way that said “i’m too heated to check my words before i say them but this is between me and the fat nigger bitch, not you”. 

i aim to lead and to end things both in positive, progressive energy. but while in between those points, if mogs wanna get on some goofy shit, i’m definitely with reciprocating all that energy. maybe i should work on that, but i don’t because maybe that’s safer than trying to be Martin Luther King or Jesus in this world. without thinking, the first words out of my mouth was merely a weak ass return of what he’d stated. then, once again being carried by my fantasies about how i’d imagine a situation like this playing out, i told him “don’t talk to no Black Woman like that”. he responded with an “are you fucking kidding me?”, although his eyes were now directed at his gear shift and (probably deliberately) not at me. i wasn’t sure if he was shocked that someone had stood up for a Black Woman or that a man had sided against him in a dispute with a woman, but i’m sure he was afraid. still heated, but now as afraid as he was bold when hopping out the car to scream at the Black Woman. 

still feeding of the angry energy that he’d placed into the situation, and now being led by that energy, i stated again “gon get the fuck up outta here, bro. fuck is you talking about?” somewhere in between a calm voice and the yelling i’m capable of when i get as angry as he was at the Black Woman. i wasn’t there but i was getting there, and i know now that if he wanted to take it there, i would’ve met him there without thinking once about it. but he didn’t. once my voice raised, he put his car in gear and drove off. i’m not sure which direction he drove in, and, selfishly now that i think about it, i hadn’t even checked on the Black Woman he had verbally attacked before i walked off. i guess in my fantasies i hadn’t thought about checking on the well-being of the victim, only about being the savior. something new to think about. 

as i walked back up to the green line, continuing my journey, there was a white woman standing where i had walked down from, staring at me. i walked past her in the moment, still processing what had happened. when i got to the top of the platform, i felt, and i guess was a bit overwhelmed, by all the feelings that had been suppressed in the moment. my legs were shaking with anxiety. my heart was pumping with adrenaline. somewhere in between that a smile tried to etch its way onto my face. i was pleased by my own power. i don’t know how i feel about that. especially since i didn’t even realize i hadn’t asked the Black Woman if she was alright until i started typing this when i got home. i didn’t realize it wasn’t about her and her safety as much as it was about me and my ability to un-empower a white man. a single white man. about the pleasure i get knowing that i am feared. not just feared, but feared by a man who operates on exerting his so-believed power over women. that’s the largest part of my definition of manhood: exerting power over men who think there’s power in subjugating women. i couldn’t hide my own pleasure in my own proving of my own beliefs to my own self. i was a better, stronger, more capable man than him. and, to a lesser and unintentional extent, also the older Black man who did not defend the Black Woman but spoke to the white man in what i perceived to be fear. i was a better man than both of them. and proving it to myself pleased me. 

when the white woman who stood where i stood as i ascended the steps again met me on the platform, i was still processing. still too overcome with what i was feeling to want to engage her. my birth chart suggests that i carry a lot of nervous energy, and i think that’s true judging from how awkward exchanges with me can be when i don’t know you or don’t trust you. maybe i was overcome with nervousness afterwards because i don’t yet know this version of myself. this version who introduces himself as a name other than the one my dad gave me (that i admittedly have never liked; never felt like it belonged to me). this version who stands up for Black Women on the street. this version who brings his fantasies to life when the moment arises. who believes in alpha-male-ism and strives to prove himself as just that, but only if it protects [Black W]omen from men who think men become alphas by ruling over women. 

looking back, my ego says that the white woman was turned on by this. she glanced at me before she got off the green line at california. she had her phone out when she engaged me on the platform, saying something about calling the police for a moment that had already been placed under control. placed under control by me. (i just chuckled to myself as i typed that) again, i was too deep into myself to catch the vibes, if those were in fact what she was throwing, so i walked off to process some more. plus, that was NOT the time or opportunity for a white woman to shoot her shot. 

so yeah, maybe i don’t yet know this new me who’s ascending out of the ashes of the me people used to know. the me i used to be. or maybe i do know this me and the old me is shaking because he’s the type of boy who should be afraid of this me. this me who doesn’t shy away from his own power and isn’t interested in trading it for the purpose of being liked. this is new, and i won’t set myself up for disappointment by thinking i already know what to expect of this newness. but what i do know is,

i fuck with it. it’s not to be fucked with and doesn’t care to be liked. and i like that.