#This whole post was an excuse for me to ramble about him and promote him lol

[avatarofcuriousity]

Why YOU Should Vote For Solomon In The 2022 RAD Popularity Contest!

YOU. YES, YOU! YOU are sleeping on Solomon!

He doesn't like that, MC.

So I am making this post as a fellow Solomon enjoyer!

1. Much Character And Development (Very Cool!)

Solomon is an immortal sorcerer. So, he's not a demon or angle. He's different like that, a bit quirky if you will.

He's lived a long time. He's very lonely. The RAD program was finally a place where he could find his found family. Doesn't that make you feel bad? Don't you think he deserves more love to compensate for his very much lonely life? I am guilt tripping you, you are being held at gunpoint, MC...

To elaborate more on his character, please allow me direct you to these AMAZING posts (that are actually serious and put things in way better words than I ever could lol) to explain why he's SUCH much character.

@books-and-catears Quick read of his Birthday Event and all the details of how amazing he is!

@3vocatio 's Analysis Of Why Solomon is a Consistently Written Character AND The Devs FAV (CANON???) (REAL, NOT CLICKBAIT) (😱) (😍)

@yourboyhack 's reblog of Solomon's B-day Character Card and how it mentions the obvious and is so very based

2. He Just Loves You So Very Much

As evident by his constant praise and affection! You're his darling apprentice and is very proud of you! 💙

Example shown here in @books-and-catears post!

He is absolutely your soulmate, MC. No, I'm not gaslighting you, MC, what do you mean?

He is determined to show you how much he loves you! He's open and honest. All he wants is to be sincere with you, as also evident by ANOTHER @books-and-catears post (They're so fucking based, one of the biggest Solomon appreciaters ever) and @he-calls-me-kitten 's reblog!

Conclusion?

Solomon is a very amazing and fantastic character. Especially after his Birthday Event, it's clearer than ever he's one of the best written characters! He deserves much more fans and appreciation. And the Devs ESPECIALLY deserve to know how much we adore his character! And even if you STILL don't like him or prefer another character?

Do it for the bit. That's right. If nothing I said reached you, at least do it for the funny.

And THAT is why you should vote for Solomon in the 2022 RAD Popularity Contest!

VOTE NOW!:

(NOTE: You can vote as many times as you'd like! (If you go into Incognito Mode 😏👀) Vote your true fav, but I encourage you to go vote for Solomon as MANY times as you can in Incognito and go HAM.)

[skylinx2o]

Admittedly, I've been feeling terrible lately. I didn't even finish my weekly drawing and broke my now months long streak. I thought I would be able to do it, but my emotions weighted me down too much. I might go back to drawing one art every two weeks.

Anyway, I feel like I should do more fun things. I mean, drawing is fun, and I love creating stories for my OCs, but I do have a lot of other interests. And tho I'm sticking to talking about LEGO today, I want to talk more and get out of my shell. And maybe give you more insight into me as a person.

So today I'm going to talk about my favourite LEGO themes and why I love the series, plus how I personally got i to all of them. It's not a normal review whatsoever, just an excuse to ramble about my interests freely. Just remember this is my experience and my feelings.

(And it's not at all like I'm making this post because I need all of this to prepare for a speaking class and the only way to motivate myself is by making a post about it o _o Come on, I'm killing two birds with one stone here!)

Okay, so, my all-time favourite themes are (in chronological order to when I found them):

1. Bionicle

Honourable mention: Hero Factory

2. Ninjago

3. Legends of Chima

4. Monkie Kid

5. Dreamzzz

1. So. Bionicle. I have a weird history with Bionicle. My dad's friends used to get movies for us, and one day it just happened that my dad's friends gave us a pen drive with Bionicle: Legend Reborn on it. I think I would be around... Seven or eight when I watched it I've seen fans say that it was a pretty weak film, but I didn't know Bionicle back then, and I really enjoyed it! That movie was a soft reboot of the series, and as someone who started their Bionicle obsession with that movie, in my opinion it worked really well as a standalone supposed to capture new audiences. I really loved the sense of mystery that was probably lost on new fans. It wasn't exactly explained what or who Mata Nui was, besides him being a warrior who lost his people. And the ending... I really thought there would be a sequel to it, and was really intrigued by whom the great beings were, and what happened to the world, why Mata Nui knew them, what the giant ahh robots were supposed to do.

Of course, when a few years later in middle school I looked for the sequel, I didn't find it. And to be honest, the ending was disappointing to me. However, there was a whole other storyline in Bionicle to catch up on! And so one faithful summer was spent reading all the comics I could find, reading wiki pages one after another, playing Mata Nui online game obsessively, refusing to use a walkthrough. Believe me when I say I was obsessed!

And then out of nowhere in 2015 g2 came out, and I was stoked since I missed out on practically the whole g1 as it was being made. (I mean, it's understandable, I was born the same year the first Bionicle movie came out.) I mean, can you blame me for being excited? A dead franchise that I just started becoming a devoted fan of is suddenly revived from the grave. I felt like the luckiest person on earth that day. Honestly, g2 was a lot simpler than g1, but I really like it, even if most people said it sucked. Sure, it wasn't exactly like g1, and even I cringed a few times when watching the g2 show, but for what it was, it was cool in my eyes, and loved finding all the g1 references. And there were quite a few of them! The story of g2 was simpler, but for little kids I think it would've been fine. But alas, LEGO did a crap job promoting it, and it died early, with an ending that was so bad even I can't defend it. It just didn't make sense, and it was rushed as hell. But I still wished it would've continued.

I love both generations for different things, and I'm sad I didn't get any g2 sets when they were out (Lewa was my favourite one). But years later I managed to get a promotional anniversary set of Tahu and Takua, and you wouldn't believe my happiness when I was building it. It's strange being a relatively new fan compared to others I see online, but I still remember seeing Bionicle commercials, and even have a very vague memory of seeing a Phantoka commercial on our ancient TV. I mean come on, I was so into it, I even learned the Matoran alphabet! My mom had to listen to my countless rambling, and if I ask her about Bionicle today, she still remembers some answers, that's how much into it I was. Hell, this blog started as a Bionicle blog before I moved fully to Monkie Kid content.

Okay, this Bionicle ramble is getting a tad long, so I'll wrap this up. Would I recommend Bionicle to anyone? Well... Not really, unless you like long lore researching adventures. The story is so convoluted, with many sides stories, and it went on for so many years, that despite my obsession I still probably missed like, 40% of the lore. G1 at least, wouldn't vibe with casual audience probably. G2 might be easier on the brain, despite it having some deeper lore too. Plus, there's the cultural appropriation issue, that I'm not qualified to talk about, but others already made pages long blogs and articles about. Plus the weird gender situation. But, it's still a good story in my eyes, despite its many faults. But that's just me, and if you didn't catch on yet, I'm already deep in this hole and there's no getting out of here now.

Honourable mention: This brings us to Hero Factory. I watched the first few episodes at around the same time as the first Bionicle movie. Came from the same source as before. I think it deserves a mention, because I still loved it, and did some lore digging, but I wasn't as obsessed with it as the other positions on the list. I didn't like the later stuff as much, tho some concepts were really cool too. But the story of the first episodes was really well done, and worked great as a movie. The fights were tense, and when watching it for the first time, I couldn't really know if the characters would be okay. Honestly, it got me really excited and invested. A factory of heroes is a unique concept, and I always found it intriguing how they made the robot society work. But, I don't think it needed more time than it needed, unlike Bionicle, where I didn't like the ending of either generation. I think it wrapped things up quite well with the first episodes, and the later ones just feel like cool side stories, and it works in my opinion.

This one I would definitely recommend, because I feel like it's underrated, and it's not long. Like I said, the version I got was just a one movie like compilation. I checked and there's just 11 episodes. It would probably take 1–2 hours to watch it, not counting the later movies and all.

2. Next one is Ninjago! I started watching it almost from the start. I must have been around ten or so... The episodes aired on TV, so I had easy access to it! I almost never missed an episode, and watched even the reruns. And believe me, I was hypnotised when watching it. Tho, starting from rebooted I watched the episodes online, first in my native language, then in English since I started getting too impatient to wait. This was my first obsession. For the longest time, when people asked me what I wanted to do, I said I wanted to be a ninja. One of my oldest OCs is Mika, and she grew up with me. Whenever a new season was to come, I would design a new suit for her. I have a whole dedicated blog to her, I wonder if you all can find it lol. Anyway, for a kid's show, the first seasons were really well written, and the show could be dark when it wanted, but it didn't lack jokes, and most were very funny. And honestly, Ninjago had a really big impact on my life. It taught me not to give up, and it made me want to make the world a better place. Grade school was a horrible time for me, and Ninjago was like my escape. Tho, I might have daydreamed about it too much at one point...

I started distancing myself from Ninjago around hands of time. I didn't watch the show as regularly, catching up on seasons long after they aired. I think that's also where the writing quality started dropping… I just didn't like it as much any more. But it should've been expected with a series that went on for so long. I'm not one of the people who think old Ninjago was better than anything. It wasn't perfect at all. But I didn't like the short format of newer seasons. But then secrets of forbidden spinjitzu dropped, and i as a person started getting better too, so I went back to Ninjago, and while it wasn't still the best and people had a lot of issues I loved those few next seasons. I mean, they somehow hit right into my interests with those seasons. First the adventure movies like atmosphere with the Egyptian like tomb, then they get sucked into a video game, then the very DnD like feeling Shintaro. It was right up my alley. My love for Ninjago was back in full force by then. So you can imagine how sad I was when the word that Ninjago was ending started going around. The series has been with me for half my life. My friends even knew how much I liked it, my best IRL friend even bought me a Ninjago set for Christmas one time. But you know, I thought it was probably Ninjago's time. Nothing can last forever after all, and it had a very good run. Why not end it when the story was still quite alright? And then… Crystallized happened. I didn't watch Crystallized. I heard the spoilers, and I wasn't… thrilled. Especially with Harumi. And people hated that season. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. It didn't feel like a send-off Ninjago deserved.

So you can imagine how damn happy I was about Dragon Rising! And surprise, it's the best Ninjago has been in a while! I absolutely loved the first season. The new characters are wonderful, and that change was certainly what Ninjago needed. And the fact that it's merged with one of other of my beloved LEGO series only makes it better. And that's probably my cue to move to it hehe

So, would I recommend Ninjago? Yeah. Its story is easy to follow, you just need to watch the show. If you're ready to watch sixteen+ seasons that it! Even the worse seasons have some value to them I'd argue. But I may be biased with how close to my heart that series is.

3. Yeah boy, Legends of Chima! I started watching Chima around the same time I started watching Ninjago, and I was equally hooked. And yes, my mom remembers this one as well, I watched it every time it was on too. Actually, I think the first fanfiction I've ever written was about Chima. With a pencil on paper. I think that, while the other series captivated me because of magic or the setting or the action, in Chima it was the characters and their dynamics mostly, despite there being plenty of magic powers and action too, plus a unique setting. The main characters all have distinct personalities, and it's fun to see how their personalities clash or work together. I think it's cool because the conflict between lions and crocodiles takes the main stage in the first season. Later seasons are great too, and they shake things up to make things interesting quite well. The lore isn't as broad as in other series, but it's pretty cool and interesting either way. There were some unique concepts there. I can't explain my love for this theme as well as with other series, because I don't think there was anything big that made me like it. It's just a cool show. I think what there was has been satisfying, tho young me was really sad and angry it ended anyway. But it's great for what it was. But I can't say I'm not happy that Chima is now merged with Ninjago, and it works so well together, and I absolutely love Lord Ras.

I would absolutely recommend it. It's a fun show, and only three seasons long. It can be both fun and serious, and I definitely had a blast watching it.

4. Now one of my newer obsessions! Monkie Kid! I watched the pilot in Chinese when it came out, then I promptly forgot about the series and binge-watched it all when season 3 came out. I was reading about Journey to the West long before the series was announced, since I have a liking for old stories and legends and myths and stuff. And Asian cultures fascinate me. I blame Ninjago with its Japanese influence and all the martial arts movies that were on the TV all the time. Plus Mulan and Kung Fu Panda. Anyway, I can't say much about how accurate it is or anything since I'm not Chinese, but I think the show is great. I noticed a lot of references to Journey To The West. No shocker here, it's inspired by it. But being in this fandom made me learn a lot of new things about China, tho I still have a bunch of things to learn. I'm no expert yet. Tho, I try my best to be respectful.

Umm... Like I said, not much to say about how accurate the story is. But I really liked Journey to the West, so naturally I like Monkie Kid too. Plus, MK i really relatable to me. I feel like my personality is really similar to his, tho I'm more introverted. For some reason, I relate to this portrayal of Macaque and Wukong as well.

I dare to say that from all the series so far, I find this one to be the most well written. I just find the writing to be the most impactful. Plus, the artstyle is very different from other LEGO shows. Action scenes are really fun. The artstyle definitely works in its favour. And yeah, I would recommend this show 100%.

5. And finally, the newest addition to the LEGO series, Dreamzzz! The show is really new and just starting, but I love the concept and the writing! Plus again, I really relate to Mateo. The characters feel like real people you would meet, and how they interact feels realistic. And I found myself liking even the characters that annoyed me, because their personalities were the realistic type of annoying, one that you might find out in the wild. And the concept of a dream world just really speaks to me. And it gives the creators a lot of creative freedom. All wacky things can happen in a dream after all. One thing I didn't expect in the show was the secret agency, and I think it's a clever addition to the story.

I would recommend this series. I hope it'll have a bright future, and that the writing will stay this good.

Well, time to wrap all of this up. Whoever suffered through this whole ramble deserves a juice and a cookie 🍪🧃 For a few finishing thoughts... I noticed a lot of the series I like blend magic powers and technology together. I just thought it's interesting. And I wanted to mention that the songs for Bionicle, Ninjago and Chima absolutely slap. I used to listen to them on repeat all the time lol Even my mom really enjoyed those songs

Yeah, I don't know what this post was for, I just felt like writing all that :v

[my-strange-attraction]

I am a lesbian and I came across Lostryu’s post by way of a mutual of mine. I was curious and wanted to see your response. I have to say your rebuttal contains nothing of merit that could possibly fare as a proper argument. It’s chock full of contradictory statements and straight up lies. I am assuming you’re a USA resident, but the highest university with an LGBT+ population is Brown Univeristy; and only about 20-24% of people reported being LGBT+

As a fellow english major, it was painful to read. Constant contradiction with only half formed ideas; practically agreeing with Lostryu regarding the definition of lesbian only to backpedal…. And words do have meaning, that’s why we use them in our craft as wordsmiths. You can’t simply replace keywords with opposite definitions and expect your manuscript to make sense!

I also want to point out that you degendered Lostryu entirely, refusing to use correct pronouns. That in and of itself is very transphobic. I don’t really trust your judgment as it seems like you didn’t even care about reblogging from lesbian and transgender rape apologists.

I thought you might like to reflect on this, but I truly think you care more about your self-perceived moral superiority rather than actual people.

-🧁

Oh boy. Ok.

Well thanks for being so kind and civil and not attacking my character.

I know you don't trust me, but you gotta trust that a queerer school than Brown exists and I go to it. I can see where the confusion is, after doing a google search myself, because my school is pretty small and doesn't show up on a lot of searches for colleges in the US. I will give you that, after looking up the number myself, it's more like 50-70%, but I will tell you that less than a quarter of the people I know and talk to on a regular basis are straight and cisgender.

I'm not writing an english essay here, it's a tumblr post. If anything, this is a lot closer to how I would format a philosophy paper, which, if you've ever read one of those, are very rambly and have roundabout ways of getting to the point. Also, again, thanks for not attacking my character, here. Thanks for really respecting me and not discrediting my nearly completed degree. Really appreciate that.

I... have no words. I used they/them/theirs pronouns throughout the whole post, which, I cannot stress enough, are NEUTRAL pronouns. I use those pronouns for all people online, and I think most other people do too. Yes, I knew he used he/him and used they/them instead, but I also cut his username out of all my screenshots. I wasn't talking about him specifically, his post was just an excuse for me to explain a concept in depth, and explain why exclusionism such as what he was promoting is detrimental to the queer community as a whole.

I didn't include his username or @ him at all. It wasn't even meant for him to look at, really. He was an example, a nebulous person with an opinion I don't agree with. It wasn't personal, so I used neutral pronouns. I am really sorry it came across that way though, I never want to make anyone uncomfortable and I know pronouns are super important to pay attention to for some people. This is an actual sincere apology.

I don't think I'm morally superior, that's not the point. I don't argue with people on the internet in order to prove my opinions are right and that anyone else with different opinions has made a wrong and evil choice and is unredeemable as a person. Really this whole thing happened because the original post had some terfy red flags and even though op isn't a terf, I wanted to point it out so that people know how to spot it and avoid it.

And do I think it's bad for the community to exclude mspec lesbians? Yes, but I also understand where the frustration comes from. I don't think less of people who have that opinion, I just hope to change their minds, because I think a radically inclusive community is the best kind of community.

[maria-akira]

how you meet the ahs boys + their reaction while you're having a class - PART 1

—♡—

hey yall im back again 🧍🏻‍♀️ is this what you call a headcanon?? idk BAHAHSHHA. anyways i've had this idea in my mind for a while and i wanted to share it to yall, so i hope you guys like it 😌

these also have a little back story on how you guys meet !!

also, special mention to @tatestripedsweater for helping me give ideas with jimmy's part !! thank you so much mwah 🥺❤

warnings: none! just pure fluff <3

please excuse any errors !

—♡—

~♡ TATE LANGDON:

before the pandemic, you and your family have moved into the murder house.

the house gave your family a very odd vibe, but nonetheless all of you had to bear with it because it was sold for a cheap price.

but when the pandemic arrived the country, you were stuck at home 24/7. thus, classes were online.

you met tate because of your father. tate was one of his patients and the both of you grew close.

"Y/N, what are you doing?"

tate would randomly barge in your room while having a class and you would jump out of shock.

"Jesus, Tate. Stop scaring me like that!"

tate would giggle and lay on your bed, observing the lesson that the teacher rambled about.

while you're writing notes, he would stand up and take a chair from some part of your room and sit beside you.

knowing that tate is clingy, you would warn him not to bug you and behave while you listened in class.

of course, he doesn't listen and he would place his head on your shoulder and eventually would cuddle you.

"Taaate, please let me focus."

luckily, you always keep your camera off.

"Mmm, no. I enjoy bugging you."

~♡ KIT WALKER:

one time, you were driving to school on your own and you were almost running out of gas.

luckily, you saw a gas station nearby and decided to get a fill before heading to school. and there, you met kit.

when you first laid your eyes on kit, you thought that he was the prettiest man ever. you couldn't let this chance slip, thus, you exchanged numbers with him.

you talked all day and night, the both of you were so inlove with each other and you finally decided to introduce him to your parents.

your parents loved him and you were so, so happy.

but when the pandemic came, it affected your relationship with kit.

since all schools and unis were closed down, everything went online.

when kit stayed over, he couldn't spend a lot of time with you because you had to attend classes early in the morning, till afternoon.

"Can you stay in bed with me for a little bit, darling?"

unfortunately, you woke up late that day and you missed 10 minutes of your first class. and just like that, you were stuck to your desk until afternoon.

"Kit baby, I'm sorry. I'm late for my first class. Maybe later, okay?"

as much as kit hated this whole online class thing, he would always find a way to cheer you up.

thus, he would cook you breakfast and bring it over to your room.

"C'mere, I'll feed you while you listen and write down notes."

~♡ KYLE SPENCER (PRE DEATH AND POST DEATH) :

PRE DEATH:

madison, your friend, had bugged you all week to go with her to this college frat party near your house.

you weren't the party type. you loved staying at home, watching netflix or reading some sort of fan fiction on wattpad.

but you hated being single. so, this was your chance to actually get a boyfriend.

when you arrived at the party, you immediately hated it. everything was so loud and everyone was drinking, it was definitely a new sight for you.

you were sitting on a couch that was in the balcony, with a red cup that was filled with punch. you loved being away from the commotion.

this is where you met kyle, it was love at first sight. the both of you had so much in common and you thought that he was the man of your dreams.

you exchanged snapchats and from there, you were partners-in-crime.

you and kyle had stopped going to parties ever since the pandemic arrived, which means you got to see each other less.

since the both of you were students, both of your classes went online.

one time, kyle had no classes for a day and he decided to surprise you.

that day, you were having an online presentation. both your camera and microphone were on.

"Rene Descartes was the Father of Modern Philosophy—"

as you were presenting the slide show, you were cut off by kyle's presence infront of your desk.

"I brought you food, baby!"

you would shush him and suddenly turn off your mic.

"I'm so sorry, Miss. My boyfriend arrived and I—"

kyle would go beside you and kiss you on your cheek, your classmates and teacher cooing over it.

"Miss, you better give my girlfriend a good grade."

POST DEATH:

*pretend that he survived the bus accident and had a coma, because we arent involving witchcraft here*

kyle and his fraternity were on a bus that was going to some college event at school.

on the way there, you guys snapped each other and his friends would talk to you as well.

unfortunately, they got in an accident and the bus was flipped over.

a few students, including kyle, survived the accident.

when you heard this news, you cried your heart out and you didnt talk to anyone in your family.

you and your family visited the hospital and you rushed to kyle's room, it broke your heart to see tubes in him, with machines that beeped like there was no tomorrow.

when the doctor said that kyle was in a coma, your heart sank in the deepest part of your body.

this made you stay 24/7 with him until he was discharged.

when he was discharged from the hospital, he was not his usual self. the bubbly, energetic kyle was gone. instead, he was so confused with everything.

kyle's mom made him stay with you until he got his memory back, and you were more than glad to help.

but this took a toll on your studies because your classes were online due to a pandemic.

everyday in class, you would let kyle sit beside you and let him observe what you were doing.

"We're in Science class, Kyle. You were really good in Science, you helped me alot with my homeworks."

most of the time, you would help kyle develop his speech and his writing. but it was difficult for you.

"S-Sci... S-Sci-en.. ce?"

"Yes, Kyle! Good job, now one more time."

~♡ JIMMY DARLING:

ever since you were a kid, you loved going to carnivals, your parents would always bring you there every weekend.

there were carnivals almost everywhere, and your family brought you to all of them.

to you, each carnival was unique. the clowns and magicians in each carnival had different tricks up their sleeve.

but as you grew up, these carnivals slowly went out of business. except for one, which was elsa's cabinet of curiosities.

you decided to visit it one day just for a trip down memory lane, you never really had expectations for this place.

when you arrived there, there were a few people that were seated.

the show started and it instantly made you smile, they reminded you of your younger days. oh how you wished to be a child again.

you watched through a few acts, and the last act was a man named jimmy darling

when he came on stage, you locked eyes with him. there was something about him that really struck you.

after the performance ended, jimmy ran over to you and got your number. from there, you always talked and you would visit him regularly.

the regular visits stopped when the pandemic struck the country, forcing entertainment establishments, schools and unis to close down.

for the mean time, all your classes went online. you told jimmy that he could stay with you until things went back to normal.

on an early tuesday morning, you were in english class. jimmy was with your parents preparing breakfast, and you were falling asleep while your teacher discussed about the odyssey.

unlike tate, jimmy would always knock on your door. as his mom always taught, never enter anyone's room without knocking.

jimmy would giggle at your sleeping sight, your head lowered and your hair messed up.

"Hey, sweetheart, wake up! You're in class."

jimmy's timing was perfect. as he woke you up, you were called by the teacher.

"Miss Y/N, Do you think Odysseus was loyal to his wife?"

obviously, you panicked. but jimmy was there to save you. since jimmy was fond of reading, he finished the book and he whispered the answer to you before you could turn on your mic.

"No, Ma'am. Odysseus had an affair with Calypso and Circe."

once you got your teacher's approval, you turned off your microphone and let out a sigh of relief.

"You're lucky that I'm here to help you."

jimmy would joke and you would jump up to him, tackling him into a hug.

"I'm always lucky to have you, baby."

~♡ DANDY MOTT

at a young age, you were exposed to different types of fabrics. denim, silk, corduroy, neoprene. they name it, you've probably seen it.

your mother worked as a fashion designer. she managed to open a shop in the city and it was a great success for you and your family.

your mother has styled famous models. because of this, the shop was promoted and broadcasted all over the country. one day when you came from school, you saw a long line outside the shop.

that day, the staff count was low. there were only 5 employees instead of 10. you didn't exactly know why, so you decided to help.

after what felt like several hours, the long line finally dissolved into 2 customers, which was a mother and her son. they looked through the shop and the mother instantly loved everything.

her son, on the other hand, was trying on this lilac tux that your mother made.

you assisted her son and when you locked eyes, the both of you smiled. you entertained him throughout his shopping spree and the both of you never broke eye contact.

this was how you met dandy. he made the first move by getting your number, and of course you gave it back.

from there, the both of you talked day and night, even when you were in school.

since dandy's mother, gloria, loved your mother's shop so much, she would invite you and your mother regularly to her mansion.

gloria and your mother got along very well, and it was like gloria was your second mother.

so when your mother went to paris for a fashion show, she let you stay in gloria's mansion until she came back.

but to your dismay, your mother was not able to come back due to a pandemic that was all over the world. flights, establishments, and schools closed down.

of course you were sad, but you didn't worry so much because gloria treated you like her real daughter.

classes were online and you were forced to attend them everyday in the shared room you had with dandy.

since you had to get ready for class early in the morning, you would quietly get out of bed because dandy was sometimes a light sleeper.

it was around 8am and you were in math class. in your school, cameras were required to be turned on at all times. you thought this was a shit rule, but you had no choice to comply.

you were drawing some circles with a compass for an example that was being discussed by your teacher, when all of a sudden dandy was beside you.

"Dandy, sweetie, what are you doing up so early? Go back to sleep.."

dandy would pout at the lack of attention that you were giving him. since he loved holding your hand, you let him hold your other hand that you didn't use for writing.

"You're doing Math instead of cuddling with me!"

—♡—

i'm actually super proud of this omg !! i hope yall enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it 🥺❤

—♡—

[1ddotdhq]

🍌Wed 2 Dec ‘20💚

Harry Styles Reacts to Banana Innuendo Rumors by Making EVEN MORE Banana Innuendos part TWO

Good morning/evening/night to Harry’s post and Harry’s post ONLY! (Okay that’s not true but it was definitely a highlight of my day). In case people haven’t seen it yet, it’s Harry in a light blue custom made suit putting a penis banana in his mouth. The picture is captioned “Bring Back Manly Men” so take a suck on THAT Candace Owens! It was only one of many great pictures in his variety shoot (including another, um, fruity picture of him biting into a pomegranate okay Persephone we get it), but Harry did indeed choose That One to post on This, the day after banana necklace dickscourse, BLESS. Harry’s interview was a little more in depth than they have been in the past, touching upon his feelings on race (“Historically, I can’t think of any industry that’s benefited more off of Black culture than music. There are discussions that need to happen about this long history of not being paid fairly. It’s a time for listening, and hopefully, people will come out humbled, educated and willing to learn and change”), as well as his tattoos (the only time he regrets them is in the DWD makeup chair), his love of reading, fashion and art, his exercise routine (Kid Harpoon couldn’t keep up!),  and his feelings on success and acclaim (“It’s never why I do anything...it's always nice to know that people like what you’re doing, but ultimately — and especially working in a subjective field — I don’t put too much weight on that stuff...Fans are the best A&R”). 

The problems arose - as they so often do - when One Direction was mentioned. The article said that “The proof [of the band’s benefits] is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members- Payne, Malik and Horan in addition to Styles- each of whom has landed hit singles on charts in the U.K., the U.S. and beyond”. Leaving aside the bad math (that's 4 people!) one name, of course, is notably missing: Louis has in fact enjoyed quite a lot of success both with Walls (remember when his album went #1 on iTunes in the UK AND the US literally 2 months ago?) and his pre-Walls singles like “Back To You” and “Just Hold On”. It got worse because the author tried to back up her claim with Harry’s quote, “When you look at the history of people coming out of bands and starting solo careers, they feel this need to apologize for being in the band...but we loved being in the band...I think there’s a wont to pit people against each other. And I think it’s never been about that for us. It’s about a next step in evolution. The fact that we’ve all achieved different things outside of the band says a lot about how hard we worked in it”. By linking her own words with Harry's quote she made it seem as though Harry said it to agree with her biased take, which we'd know he didn't even if we hadn't heard him say this exact quote without that slant multiple times before. Fans were quick to point out both to the author and to Variety that they were wrong (to describe the reaction mildly), and the author rather than fixing the mistake, doubled down and began blocking fans. Plenty of people were quick to say that of course HSHQ and Harry had approved this content, despite more knowledgeable fans trying to be heard protesting that that is not how it works. (Remember how just recently Vogue got Harry’s whole ass FAMILY situation wrong and it was not corrected until after print, for example?) In fact, even the magazine didn't really proofread this- the print version of the article is different and says, “The proof is in the relatively seamless solo transitions of at least three of its members - Styles, Malik and Horan”, effectively erasing both Louis AND Liam. It's an annoying take either way, but it's one the author more than likely picked up by doing her research on harrie twitter, not on orders from Jeff.

And because we DO NOT STAND FOR LILO ERASURE ON THIS BLOG, let’s talk about Liam’s Web Summit panel! It was 25 minutes of Liam and Marian Dicus (VP of Spotify) being interviewed about the current and future state of the music industry. Both of them, of course, noted that things had changed very quickly in their careers back at the beginning of lockdown, and how it had seemed surreal, at first, but that Liam had found that the way he was operating now (with Veeps and Tik Tok and Instagram lives) had made his platform a two way interaction with his fans. “For a long time I've been living in a dream world where I thought I was speaking with my fans but really I was just talking at them whereas we as artists ask a lot of rhetorical questions... I wanted to start a conversation”. Marian discussed how engaging fans differently WAS one of the most difficult things to puzzle out at the beginning, but that as months have passed, it seems artists like Liam have found a viable virtual future in the music industry (Liam tells us that he's been doing “stadium size shows” on Veeps which is an exciting clue about the mystery of how many tickets they're selling). They also went into the way music trends change as a response to social and political occurrences, how comfort songs gave way to protest songs this summer. Liam said, “People want their artists to have an opinion nowadays it's not that we can stay out of the conversation anymore-- and nor do we feel that we should in many places-- but for me it's a fine line because I realize what I do for people is an escape, people don't want things rammed down their throats every day and news messages from me about things that they don't want to hear about if they've come to listen to music, so its a real fine line that we kind of teeter on”. And about his opening acts, he acknowledges that his fanbase are mostly young women (based on the data breakdowns he gets from his team), and so he feels a responsibility to mentor young female artists in the industry so that more people like his fans have a voice. In an interview full of really fascinating music and technical discussions, this remained my favorite moment from Liam. Just like we won’t erase HIM, he refuses to erase US! And let's not forget our Liam alarm of the day-- it starts out absolutely adorable (“good moooorning!”), is hilarious in that apparently he just rambled completely unscripted and then they awkwardly cut it into 25 parts, but today's installment is frankly not relaxing! “only 23 sleeps til christmas have you done your shopping are you prepared” excuse me Liam YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT. The promised relaxing sleep story affirmations are still 'coming soon'-- hurry up please I need them to decompress after that alarm!

Now for a lightning round of epic proportions: DWD darling pictures and vids keep comin’ and Harry and Florence are both looking GORGEOUS as Jack and Alice,  after the Variety shoot dropped ‘THE CAPTION’, ‘BRING BACK MANLY MEN’, and ‘LOUIS IS SUCCESSFUL’ trended worldwide on twitter, Tan France said “yes please” to Harry's banana post, Harry reiterated that London was home and he didn’t want to be in LA for longer than he needed to,Variety has its virtual show tomorrow at 5 pm PST so see you there! Veeps is sending out emails promoting Louis’ show to people who bought LP show tickets, fans have already started to receive their Louis Tomlinson Live From London merch, Trinity College in Dublin’s Law society presented Niall with an award for, uh, his Irishness, I guess? (Just kidding, it’s for “his incredible talent and work ethics which is famously underscored by a distinct humility despite unthinkable success”). It looks like he will be giving a talk when he’s presented with it, and I’m honestly really interested to see what it’s all about - is he...gonna be talking to law students? Idk but tune in on December 7th at 12 pm GMT to find out!

[the-littlefangirl]

TFATWS episode 1 rewatch commentary

The first scene was so beautiful. I loved that we didn't start directly with the fight sequence. It feels way closer to the quiet beginning of CATWS and I love it so much.

The title is also SO NEAT, music's on point too but hey it’s Henry Jackman the one thing I’m sure it’s going to be great overall is the score.

The choreography is AMAZING, really well shot. Sam shielding himself with only one wing was MA-JES-TIC.

“WHAT'S UP” EXACTLY SAM EXACTLY

I did feel so uncomfortable in regards to the military aspect of it. Not that I was expecting anything else, but both here and in Captain Marvel the military we're good guys < 3 propaganda is so blatant and ugh:/ At least there wasn’t a literal recruitment spot like with CM. 

The yellow filter in the Tunisia scene BYE please stop with the yellow filters 2k21

"I've been working with the Air Force for six months now" So, did Sam even catch a break at all after Endgame? Or did he just throw himself to work like SOMEONE did after being iced for 70 years. Hmmm? Sam????

"Essentially, these people, they want a world that's unified without borders" OH NO! HOW AWFUL, how evil of these bad guys smh

Joaquin: SO about Steve

Sam: :)))))) nope

"Moon stuff" SAAAM

#1 cry with Sam's speech, full on chills.. Fuck. Me. His voice about to break before saying thank you bYE.

Shady politician: "It was the right decision" (FUCKKKKK YOUUU)

Rhodey: *press any key to doubt *

I need someone to analyze the different curation of the two exhibits pretty please

NOT THE PHOTO POST-AZZANO JFC. That photo is my weakness, Bucky sweetie (also I find hilarious that usually when there are articles about Stucky and/or #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend they aaaalways use that photo LMAO)

In case someone wants to read the transcription of the texts about Bucky: "In 1944, while on a mission to thwart a Hydra weapon transport in the Alps, Barnes was thrown from a train and believed to have been killed in action. It wasn't until 2014, over seventy years later, that it was revealed that Barnes was alive, having been found by Hydra operatives. Captain America himself (i can't read) the effort to bring Barnes in only to later aid in a escape from custody having been convinced of his innocence. Steve's loyalty to his old friend, coupled with his refusal to sign the Sokovia Accords, led to the dissolution of the Avengers and drove the Captain into hiding with other like-minded Avengers including Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, and Sam Wilson. The current whereabouts of Barnes remains unknown, habing been labeled a fugitive following his escape from custody."

"current wherabout unknown" but not the government, interesting. Also, pretty good summary of CACW from the public's perspective, although one of the things I always wanted to see explored was the public's reaction of the fallout of them going into hiding after Civil War (which I'm hoping we'll get to see a little bit of in Black Widow).

Interesting point about the 70 years without having Captain America. Clearly the sacrifice play wasn't enough this time to fuel the nationalism so they went with a squeaky clean John Walker instead.

Sam saying the shield belongs to Steve I'm going to cry now excuse me. Sam. Sam sweetie.

The No. 1 Captain America comic in the display ugH fuck yes

See this is how you do a cameo that has actual meaning. Thank god for Malcolm Spellman being a competent writer. That scene was so well written.

HAVE YOU PRAISED ANTHONY MACKIE'S PERFORMANCE TODAY?? Holy shit that last shot fucked me up.

I'm loving the use of the wide shots, especially in the flashback. The camera movements are in synch with The Soldier's state of mind and mission focus, so good.

EVERYONE STAND UP FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM aka The Winter Soldier theme composed by Henry Jackman.

Without a doubt the most brutal TWS fight scene there has been, People involved in Punisher and John Wick are involved in this and it SHOWS. 

For the record, still stands that the only time we've seen him chocking someone with his right hand instead of the metal arm remains the Maria Stark assasination. I know it's probably because of blocking and the way the shot was composed but the implications are still bone chilling. God.

Uhhmmmm I'm very ambivalent about the "Hail Hydra". On one hand, it was 100% fanservice and the internet is probably going to go insane over it, and the dead way Sebastian Stan delivered the line. Good shit. Buuut what I love about CATWS is the way Bucky never, ever ever, mouths Hydra rethoric, and even when Pierce tries to gaslight him with it, it's just an empty effort. The Winter Soldier isn't doing anything because of ideological loyalty to Hydra, even if it's product of brainwashing, it's just sheer dehumanization. They don’t need him to say the words because he’s just An Asset. There are people who have put it more eloquently but yeah, I rather go with the fanon interpretation of that aspect.

The music growing louder with the shot of the keys. GOD.

I'm fine this is fine.

#2 cry with the therapy scene of fucking course.

The government monitoring Bucky is noooot going to end well lmao.

"We need to know that you're not gonna * slowmo stabbing motions *

Bucky: * nodding along slowly * 

I laughed out loud.

"It's passive agressive" I love him.

The way this scene just sucker punched me in the face, made me weep and then had me cracking up. Amazing.

Therapist: You can't do anything illegal

Bucky: yup yup check checkity check. What IS considered illegal tho?

*aggresive tablet finger pressing *

"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Bucky your Steve is showing.

I love the close up shot. I'll keep saying it. It's so good.

"I'm James Bucky Barnes" yeah you are🥺

That smile is nightmare fuel LMFAO I love it.

Uhm the way I'm kinning Bucky it's not funny anymore damn

That whole “are you lashing out at me” rambling is really reminiscent of the bar scene in CATFA and how he lashed out at Steve after Peggy left. Uhm yeah fuck.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Peace"

"That is UTTER BULLSHIT" "You're a terrible shrink"

yeah ugly crying to ugly laughing speedrun for me

"You're free" "To do what?" jesus. That entire scene. #3 and #4 and #5 cries for moi.

Ugh that Brooklyn shot. Someone needs to do a gifset compairing it to the one in CATFA asap.

"It's like Monique but it's got a "U" in there for uniqueness" "That's absurd" LMAO

"You can't keep fighting with your neighbors" uHM * redacted redacted i'm shifting into 1940s mode abort abort *

"Nobody passed 90" "So young. Such a shame" FGADHGA

🥺🥺 yes flex those flirting skills good for you

"It's a dance to this things. You can't… you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943. Feels like." #6 cry I completely broke down into tears with that.

This Yori storyline is going to punch me in the face with a metal fist. Great!

The TWS theme when he looks at Yori fuuuuuck.

GREAT LET'S GO TO LOUISIANA THAT WAS GETTING HEAVY.

Those shots of Sam in the car. Immaculate. Showstoping. Yes.

Marvel, what if instead of promoting the military industrial complex you put a lot of publicity about cars?

"Uncle Sam!" LMAO subtle.

Everyone trying to have the wings lmao same.

I've only had Sarah for a day but etc. Brooklyn 99 meme

Good mirroring about Steve and Sam family's legacy. Good shit. Goooood shit.

Sam is trying so hard ouch my heart. I can't imagine how painful the scene with them reuniting must have been. He 100% still feels a lot of guilt about being gone for those 5 years (and even longer before that).

"Maybe it is time for us to move on" uuuuuuuuuuh

"To the rescue" "Always" 🥺🥺 i love them so much already

That shot outside the restaurant is so beautiful. Can't wait to see the night scenes in Madripoor tbh.

"I tried the whole online dating thing. It's pretty crazy". Uhm well that is something that Bucky Barnes has now said. In canon. Damn.

"It's a lot" "You sound like my dad" LMAO

Every Bucky fanfic trope speedrun with this scene

"Wow you really can drink" OH you have no idea

Just realized we don't even know her name, well.

"You have any siblings?" "I have a sister" THE WAY I SCREECHED. We're definitely getting Becca

Well that escalated quickly. The important thing is to try?

I can't deal with this BUCKY SWEETIE #8 cry right there fuck

The wardrobe department is KILLING IT, there's such a difference between the outfits of the shows vs how ugly and generic it usually is.

"ThEre is NO such thiNg as on time. You're either EARLY or LATE . picK One" lmao the way he delivered that line

At first I thought the flag smashers had thrown two cars out of a window LMAO

"I don't know how jurisdiction works here, but I'mma have to place you under arrest" uhm yikes. The way they changed Joaquín Torres backstory to just random army nice guy #1 is not sitting well with me, what can I say.

Sam's wings motions I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR

Fuuuuck this guy.

"Funny how thing's always thighten around us" "Look, I'm on your side. After all, he's a hero". This script is C R I S P as hell, great fucking job.

"I don't care, I'm not gonna quit" "What are you trying to prove? And who you trying to prove it to" SHIT HSIT SHIT!!! UGH amazing. Look it's not necessary to say the show's questions out loud but how they flow between the conversations is still very satisfactory without feeling in your face about it. Inner conflicts have been set up fucking perfectly everyone * claps *

Ugh here we fucking go.  I knew this was how the episode was going to end but my stomach still dropped like a rollercoster. God.

The score is on point. Damn. Damn.

God, Sam.🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The captain america franchise's visuals in the credits are always so amazing.

Also, does anybody know why Mackie isn't first in the billing?  Uhm what's that about?

ANYWAY CONCLUSION THAT EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD LIKE HOLY SHIT. I love them so much. The balance between the personal conflicts and the political aspect (although the military aspect is still very much yikes) was on point and it was overall a joy to watch.

[anothertimdrakestan]

Stop Talking And Kiss Me  -  Jason Todd x Reader

Words: 1.7

Requested? Yes! From a lovely anon!

“can i request 7 (no i'm not in love with him i like you idiot) and/or 8 (kiss me already) with jason? thank you!!”

LINK TO PROMPTS  -> REQUESTS ARE STILL OPEN!

I love this request! It’s super open so I hope I captured the energy you wanted to create in the studio today lmao. I went for the “will they won’t they” kinda thing because I like the idea of Jason thinking you like Tim but you really have been going after him for months. Jason is too cute I can’t Hope you enjoy!

“Hi. Yes Timothy the Luthor family comes in a week, no they won’t come earlier. No, I’m not calling anyone ‘again’ Tim shut up you’ll do fine we aren’t postpoining. Ok see you in 40 I’m going to another one of the finance meetings I know damn well you won’t be at” you tapped your earpiece, hanging up with your CEO. As the CFO you attended every meeting the higher-ups had about money, it way your job after all. Somehow being Tim’s right hand man meant making excuses to the board about his whereabouts and often his brother’s actions during meetings that were supposed to be money centric. Rushing to the meeting you felt a couple of the papers you were carrying fly off the top of your stack. Deciding they weren’t worth it you continued on not noticing the tall figure following closely behind you.

“Y/n! Hey! I got these uh - papers for you that you dropped” you skidded to a halt coming face to face with Jason Todd, currently the bane of your existence after his last social media storm where he vividly described a pornographic video he was hoping his following could find for him. The “Toddsters” always pulled through for Jason, to the Wayne Ent. board’s disgust. “Hey Todd, thanks.” you smiled up at him as he loomed over you. You really only knew him and Tim, obviously you were close with Tim but you were older than the teen-genius and so it was nice getting closer with Jason over the months. Months, this was because he used to never come in until a couple months ago when you requested he get brought in because you needed him to try to sell new W.E. tech to the “Toddsters”. After that he’d been coming in more frequently, sometimes he sat in on meetings with you and Tim, he was often bringing you and Tim lunch and the three of you would eat in your office while you prepared Tim for afternoon meetings.

Jason was surprisingly reliable. Occasionally you would ask him to bring you coffee or post a video of him asking his following for something, he always complied even if it took some coaxing from you, making promises to dinners together you assumed would never happen in return for W.E. paid promotions. He had grown on you, his goofy smile, aggressive finger guns, and occasionally dark and brooding persona was fascinating. You were constantly enamored by him, and since he’d been coming around the office way more you were beginning to fall for him. Tim knew since you two saw each other and was always trying to play matchmaker even though you both thought the other didn’t like the other, bringing you guys together was a task too difficult for the world’s second greatest detective so Tim just shipped the two of you quietly now. 

As Jason stacked you up with your papers he saw you could barely carry all of them. “Hey let me take these for you, anything for the princess of Wayne Ent” Jason took then out of your arms as you smirked at his nickname for you. He loved calling you princess, noting that Tim was the jester he never really asserted his own position. After an attempt at stopping the nickname it stuck, and you now answered to it happily, but only from Jason. Tim never tried it and when anyone else questioned it, either you or Jason just explained that it just fit. 

“Sure Jay but the board is gonna drag you into the meeting, it will be nice if you go! I’m sure we all want an explanation for your most recent social media activity” you poked his chest while he replied with a wink as he followed you into the meeting. You sat down as Jason dropped the papers on the meeting table with a thump. “Ah, Mr. Todd. Please we have just a few questions do join us” An older man looked up from his laptop, demanding Jason’s presence. Heaving a sigh he slumped into the chair next to you. 

As the second presenter for the meeting got up to walk you through slides at a turtle's pace you realized there was no sneaking out. Even though you were up to date on the company’s finances the rest of the room wasn’t and it was far too rude to leave. Looking over at Jason he had pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, rested his hand on his chin, and was asleep. You watched him draw in deep breaths and exhale, slightly blowing the corner of his hood with each breath, it was nothing short of adorable, but because this was a meeting you couldn’t snap a picture meaning you had to drink in every moment of cuteness. 

As the third presenter got up you considered faking a heart attack. Jason was awake now meaning you couldn’t steal anymore glances in his direction. Anytime you looked at him he was making a goofy face, winking at you, or trying to touch his tongue to his nose. Constantly concealing giggles, by the end of the third presentation your cheeks hurt from smiling. 

When the fourth presentation began you felt a little piece of paper poke your hand. Looking down you saw Jason trying to pass you a note like a fifth grader. Unwrapping his folding-job the note read: Y/n this is a boring meeting why do u go to these? You smiled, pulling a pencil from your bag you flipped the note over and wrote: because Tim makes me so he doesn’t fall asleep like you did. Jason smirked, tearing off a large piece of paper and writing: If you need to sleep you can rest on my shoulder. You scoffed looking at him as he gave his shoulder a little pat, grinning uncontrollably. You glared at him before deciding to shoot your mini shot: Flirting are we Todd? Your heart skipped a beat when a light blush appeared across his cheeks as he wrote: Not unless you’ll let me steal you from your boy toy Tim. Confused you looked at him replying: More like best friend Tim, I’m not a cougar idiot. 

Jason read the paper, his head snapping to you, blurting out in front of the whole board “wait you don’t like Tim!” You felt your own face redden when all heads turned to you. Quietly you mumbled “no I don’t like him” before grabbing the paper and finishing your thought: i like you idiot. Carefully sliding the paper to Jason, you cleared your throat. “Please continue Mr. Smith about the importance of gauging inflation” Willing yourself not to look at Jason you pretended to listen to the presentation while the rest of the board slowly lost interest in the little interruption. 

Deciding the coast was clear you glanced at Jason who was re-reading your note over and over again. He looked up, making direct eye contact with you, mouthing “I like you too princess” you couldn’t help but grin. His hand slip over, dropping the paper and grabbing your hand, pulling it below the table so as to not cause any drama. 

You gave presenter five no attention, too focussed on the fact that Jason Todd was holding your hand. Presenter five finished with a mini lecture to Jason on the importance of keeping his social media pg, he rolled his eyes but eventually nodded, effectively ending the meeting. You pulled your hand out of Jason’s and began organizing the papers you’d brought in as the rest of the board left the meeting room. As the last person left the room Jason practically ran to the door, shutting it quickly. 

Unable to process your excitement you began rambling “so uh, pretty eventful meeting huh? Did you hear anything the second guy said or -” Jason grabbed your hand, pulling you into his embrace. “Stop talking and kiss me y/n” he mumbled, leaning it. As his lips caught yours you could feel him smiling into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist and pulling you in closer. Pulling away you couldn’t stop smiling. “I think I’m gonna come to Tim’s work more often” Jason admitted, winking at you. You hummed as you moved the papers into the storage system, moving towards the door to leave. “Hey princess lemme get that!” Jason dashed to the door, opening it for you and grabbing your hand as you walked out the door. 

Walking past your company hand in hand with their CEO’s older brother was a lot. For everyone. You blushed as people stole glances in your direction. Jason led you to your office where Tim sat in your chair, feet propped up on your desk.  “Uh hey Timmy” you sheepishly laughed as Tim took in your situation. “Todd I told you she liked you. Same goes for you Y/N. I just can’t believe I lost the bet with Roy I thought you were gonna be pining for each other for at least another week. Dammit” Tim feigned anger but then admitted how happy he was for the two of you. Sitting down for lunch you were exhausted. Finishing your meal you leaned back in your chair, resting your eyes for a few minutes while Jason stroked the back of your hand with his thumb. 

As you slowly woke up you felt your head propped up against something. You realized it was Jason when he gave you a light shake saying “Y/N while I did say you could rest on my shoulder I didn’t think it would be for half an hour, my shoulder fell asleep!” Your few minutes of rest had turned into thirty, jolting up from your position against Jason you checked your calendar realizing you’d missed a meeting. “Relax princess Tim took the meeting, you really think I’d let you sleep through another business meeting?” you snorted “yes I know you would Todd”

“You really do know me too well princess”

[motherjoel]

Leading Lady (Spencer Reid x Reader)

chapter six- whispers of are you sure

wc: 2.1k

summary: you and spencie get closer owo

a/n: im sorry i haven’t posted a chapter in awhile :/

chapter index: chap 1, chap 2, chap 3, chap 4, chap 5

-

You started to stir from your nap when you heard hushed voices a few desks down. Remaining quiet, you kept your head down to listen in on the conversation.

“Listen man, it sounds like you’re crushin hard on this girl,” you recognized Morgan's voice. Reid spoke next in hushed tones.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel about her, it's just unprofessional. And besides, she would probably go for a guy like you anyway,” said Spencer.

You could feel your heart break. It didn’t take a genius to know that they were talking about you, but it saddened you to hear about Spencer’s lack of confidence. In your eyes, he was the ideal man. You wanted to show that to him one day. 

“Now you listen to me. You gotta stop getting in the way of your own happiness. Any girl would be lucky to have you, you just have to see it for yourself,” Morgan told him, warming your heart. This team was like a family, and you had to admit, you were a little jealous about their love for each other, but it was good to know that Spencer had such a great support system. You felt kind of weird listening in, however, so you decided to “wake up.” Slowly lifting your head, you yawned and stretched before looking over at the two men with a sleepy smile, pretending to just realize that they were there.

“Hey sleepy head,” said Morgan before getting up and turning to Spencer. “I gotta help Hotch with something,” he told him, leaning in to say the next part more quietly. “Remember what I told you,” he said before clapping Spencer on his shoulder and ruffling your hair when he walked past you. You smiled at the exchange and turned back to see Spencer nervously picking at his fingernails. 

“So, what'd I miss? You catch the guy yet?” you asked in an attempt to lighten the mood. Spencer just chuckled nervously and shook his head.

“No, not yet,” he paused, thinking of what to say next. “I’m glad you got some sleep in. Studies show that most healthy adults need to get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night to function at their best,” he told you, continuing to nervously ramble, citing multiple facts about sleep. You just smiled at him, not fully processing his words. You were just mesmerized by his intelligence and passion for mundane facts. He noticed you staring. “What?” he asked nervously.

“Oh I'm sorry,” you said, flustered. “It's just… you're cute when you ramble,” you blushed and looked down. Spencer had the same reaction.

“Oh. Most people think it's annoying, the team normally cuts me off,” he said, avoiding eye contact. You could almost see the gears turning in his head, almost as if he regretted saying that for fear of judgement. 

“If anything, it's... endearing,” you said, lifting your head back up to meet his gaze. He looked surprised that someone enjoyed his quirks. To you, this is what made him genuine and irresistible, irreplaceable. The two of you stared intensely for a moment before you started to speak at the same time.

“I thin-” you started.

“Do you-” he began.

You both laughed in response to this, the silence continuing for a moment longer.

“Y/N,” he started, with a shakiness in his voice, “I know we’ve only known each other for a few days, but I really care about you. Every time I have a breakthrough on this case, the first person I think of is you,” he started. You got up from your desk to walk closer to him as he went on. “And I don’t know what to call that, but you’re just really pretty and you’re so nice to me and you always are interested in what I have to say and you smell really goo-” you cut him off by softly grabbing the sides of his face. 

“I have never met anyone like you before,” you told him in awe, stars in your eyes. He mimicked your expression, his surprise melting into adoration. Your eyes flicker down to his lips and he wordlessly nods, accepting what you had so badly wanted to do from the minute you met him. Slowly, you leaned in until you were an inch away from his face.

“Are you sure?” you whispered, wanting to confirm your mutual feelings. You weren't imagining this, right? Spencer didn't wait a second to wordlessly accept. With a small but nervous laugh, he closed the distance between his chapped lips and yours, resting his hands on your waist and pulling you closer. It was as if you were in a movie, the magical spark between you two. Your kisses with Logan hadn’t been like this- they didn’t hold this emotion, this longing. Logan's kisses were chores, not luxuries. A few seconds, what could have been hours, had passed before you pulled away and rested your forehead on his, eyes still closed. You wanted to savor this moment of peace, this calm before the inevitable storm. You both jump to the sound of an attention grabbing cough. Turning around you see a sly Prentiss, feigning gravitas.

“Uh, Hotch wants to see you. We’re going over possible unsubs and he thinks it would be good for you guys to be there. But, by all means, finish what you were doing first,” she said with a wink before speed walking into the conference room where the rest of the team was.

“So…” you trailed off.

“Yeah, so…” he replied looking at you with his blush still lingering.

“We should probably go see what's up,” you told him, although you didn’t want your time with him to end.

“Good idea,” he replied, and the two of you began your walk into the conference room, his hand resting on the small of your back as he led you. Once you got inside and settled in a seat next to JJ and Spence, you looked around to see the entire room staring at you with odd smiles. Rossi even shoots you a wink. Huh, word really does get around fast. You didn’t mind them knowing, however- you knew you had their support if Spence was happy. And that's all you could ask for.

“So about those unsubs!” Spencer starts, trying to diffuse the childish energy in the room. 

“Right,” Hotch begins, trying to hide his own sly smirk. “We found out that the time of death of the latest suspect was at around 5:30, just like you thought,” said Hotch in a more serious tone.

“That would give Nichols the perfect amount of time to make the kill and then show up late to rehearsal,” replied Rossi. You were shocked.

“Wait, Nichols? As in Matt Nichols, my Matt Nichols?” you asked, frantically. Reid flinched at your intensity and the use of “my” when referring to Matt, but you didn’t care. Matt might get on your nerves sometimes but you wouldn’t let him take the fall for something like this. You couldn’t have one of your leads getting arrested the week before the show, either. “A guy shows up late to one rehearsal and you assume he's a serial killer? Man, he can’t catch a break,” you huffed with a mirthless smile. 

“Y/N, you have to admit, he fits the profile perfectly,” offered JJ, you just shook your head.

“I see the way he looks at you,” said Spencer, softly. As he continues he attempts to speak with more conviction but to you it sounded like he was trying to prove some far fetched conspiracy. “And that guy is possessive. When we kissed at your rehearsal the guy looked like he wanted to kill me!’ he said, trying to convince you. The mention of the kiss earned a whistle from Garcia on her screen. 

“Not the time, Garcia,” Spencer snapped. You were in shock. The nerve he possessed to be giving an attitude right now surprised you. You could tell he was just on edge because he cared about you, but you didn’t want him snapping on his teammates because of you. 

“I’m sorry you guys, but just because Matt and I used to have a ‘thing,’ doesn’t mean he wants me dead,” you said, standing up and walking out of the room. Your head was spinning and you needed some fresh air. 

You grabbed Spencer’s sweater from where you left it on the chair and tugged it on before making your way outside. Once you were finally in the cold air you felt like you could breathe. How could this happen? Only a few short days ago you were at the top of your game, starring in your dream role and working towards a promotion at work, granted, the amount of times you had to call out for FBI business might affect that. The BAU threw a wrench in your whole life, but for some reason, you couldn’t be mad at them for it. JJ was like the sister you never had- the two of you were immediately connected and you didn’t want to lose her. Garcia was the hilarious and beautiful best friend you had always needed in your life, always ready to lighten the mood. Hotch, stern as he could be, was a compassionate leader and you were so glad the team had him. Morgan was protective and so sweet- even just knowing you for a short period of time, he had nothing to offer but kindness. Prentiss was smart as a whip and loved to tease you and Spence, but you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Through your savored but limited interactions with Rossi, you could tell he was a father figure for the team. This was a bit of a sore spot with you, but you hoped you could get closer with him over time. And Spencer. He was so frustratingly great. Great at his job, great at making you feel safe, great at… well… everything. You felt so lucky to know all these people and bond with them, you almost forgot your frustrations with them. But, after all, they were the professionals. If it came down to it, you would try to vouch for Matt but if they suspected him, you would trust their instincts.

You removed yourself from your thoughts and were about to make your way back inside when you heard quick footsteps from behind you and a sharp pain on the back of your skull before it all went black.

-

Inside the station, the team continued their conversation about the case. Spencer, however, was pacing around the conference room worried that he just screwed up what you two had going. Rossi excused himself from the team and walked over to Spence to put a calming hand on his shoulder.

“Go. Make sure she’s okay, we can handle this,” he told him, and that’s all it took for Spencer to bolt out of the room and out of the station. Looking around, his heart dropped when he didn’t see you. He tried calling your name a few times but he was received without a response. That's when the panic began to set in. He sprinted back inside the station and ran to the team, face red and panting.

“She’s gone.”

-

You woke up in an empty room, seated in a chair with your arms strapped behind you while your legs were tied together. Looking up you could see a tripod with a camera, filming your every move. Things began to make sense- the unsub had finally tracked your whereabouts and had taken you hostage. You couldn’t help but let out a dry laugh at the circumstances. You had thrown away your life just because you were upset about an assumption a trained team of professionals made. You had thrown away the life that you had worked so hard to want. Your father's passing had left you in a terrible place where your mind wandered to the unthinkable. These thoughts were something you had struggled with your whole life. You never planned on actually taking your life, but some mornings you were disappointed to wake up. It wasn’t until recently that you regained the will to take advantage of what life had to offer. Your passion for theatre was reignited and you met an amazing group of people- a group that you weren’t ready to say goodbye to yet. You were shaken from your thoughts when you noticed a shadowy figure enter the room from the door opposite of you- this figure was familiar, one you recognized. 

“Matt?”

-

taglist: @mcntsee, @diesinspanishbcimhispanic, @chickens-are-life, @rexorangecouny, @ceeellewrites, @aerialdinosaur, @just-damn-bored

[specialagentartemis]

People are really into Lambert Week here on Wolf 359 tumblr (because it was great), so here I am presenting: a canon-divergence (quite literally) AU (also literally) that spins off of that.

What if... I took the “Lambert watches the events of the Wolf 359 liveshow” entirely seriously?  Lambert gets a vision of the future.  He is ordered not to tell Captain Lovelace.

He tells Captain Lovelace.

Weird things start happening to the timeline.

Rated T, no romantic ships, lots of friendships and enemyships.

Also, part of the reason I’m getting back on tumblr is to have a place to archive all my Behind The Scenes thoughts where I don’t feel self-conscious rambling about them.

I know I always love reading about what authors are thinking when they wrote something, and I always have Lots Of Stuff that I’m thinking when I write things, but I always feel so... vain and self-conscious expounding on it because Who Cares.

So that’s what tumblr’s gonna be for.  Every week I’m gonna post a chapter on AO3, and then here’s gonna be my rambles about my thoughts and Explaining What The Refrance.

- This fic will totally be an excuse to indulge in Weird Sci-fi Stuff, off-kilter timelines, paradoxes, unreality, more than a little recapturing of what I’m loving about the flashback scenes of Harrow the Ninth, and Lovelace and Lambert being friends.  And Lambert and Rhea being friends.  Both of those are very important to me.

Chapter 1, Prologue:

- because I need to have an explanation for what’s going on in my head to explain what does and doesn’t work re: time travel: my idea was that, the star turning blue and going haywire at the end of Season 2 also caused weird time fluctuations and all sorts of strange and inexplicable events that went alongside the whole “turning blue” thing.  One of those weird time effects was sending security footage that was in the process of broadcasting back to Earth back into the past instead.  That’s how this all started - an accidental side effect of the Dear Listeners not really caring how freaky their “attempt at welcoming Eiffel was, haha.

- “Peter Kuiper” is the product of an extremely useful bit-character naming algorithm.  Gabriel Urbina has mentioned that when he needed a minor Goddard employee for Cutter to talk to, he grabbed a name from the Bible.  Not sure this is supposed to be Implying anything; I leave that to your discretion.  It makes choosing canon-compliant minor character names very easy, though.  Catholic school + currently taking a statistics class gives me plenty of biblical name/mathematician combos. 

- The name “Kuiper” was chosen specifically, though, from the theory that Cutter steals the bodies of employees when he wears out his welcome in his old one, body-hopping promising young Goddard employees.  When your coworker suddenly gets promoted to Communications Director and the old CD quietly retires and nobody hears from him again... well, you don’t ask questions.  Cutter seems to have a preference for K/C-R names, though, so I imagine he keeps an eye out for appropriate candidates... and Rachel is aware of this and keeps potential candidates on the correct promotional tracks.  (Maybe also why she chose the name “Young” - Cutter has never been a woman before, but just to be on the safe side, latch onto a name with all the wrong sounds in it...)

Chapter 2, “Live Psychodrama”:

- I have a hard time coming up with titles most of the time... but I love giving chapter titles to serial works.  Partially I think it makes serial following more fun and interesting, partially it helps me keep track of what plot point happened where, partially it’s sometimes a place to stick another obnoxious reference because I think I’m clever.  (Someday I’m going to write my epic tragic longfic about the last days of the Lovelace Administration and every chapter will be titled after a line from a different filk song, and then you’ll all be sorry.  Specifically you’ll all be sorry I’m allowed to post things on AO3.)

- I will never stop putting references to the OC Squad in my fics.  Someday I will write real things about them.  In the meantime you just get oblique references.

- A while ago, upon rereading the script for “Change of Mind,” as u do, I came away with the new realization that Lambert and Rhea seemed notably closer to each other than to the others - Lambert was Rhea’s favorite, and Lambert was friendly with Rhea in a way that wasn’t as stiff and awkward as he was with his human crewmates.  Lambert week was extremely validating in that regard.  Lambert is ready to throw down for AI rights!

[ichika27]

Thoughts about Yashahime pt2

Because I have more stuff in my mind and I have to ramble or else I’ll lose it. This is supposed to be a part of the overall post I did after watching season 1 but it was longer than expected so I made a second post. I wanted to post my thoughts on sessrin but that would make this more unbearably longer than it already is jfc.

This is my “additional thoughts on season 1 stuff and what I wish to see in season 2″ filled with spoilers and actually have more screenshots.

Thoughts on Moroha:

I know you’ve probably heard of it from everyone else but I’ll say my piece, too: they wasted Moroha’s character. I know the main protag is Towa and Setsuna (as seen by the summary) but it’s not an excuse to just... not give Moroha anything. Inuyasha’s main characters are Kagome and Inuyasha but they also gave their companions (Sango, Miroku, and Shippo) the spotlight with episodes dedicated to them and their issues and in battle, they do get to shine. Moroha keeps getting thrown off, injured, or passed out and the twins (esp. Towa) gets to finish off the bad guys (sometimes the buildup to it is too much but how she beat up the bad guy is anti-climatic). It’s a waste cause she’s a bounty hunter who is not only trained but also has a lot more experience than Towa does. She doesn’t even have to land the finishing blow but at least don’t make her lame.

I do understand why the battle in both Inuyasha and Yashahime is different though. The Shikon Jewel is powerful even when it’s in pieces. Even a shard could give an advantage to anyone who has it and so many demons are drawn to it and to the person who has it. The more Kagome and the gang get, the more enemies they would attract especially Naraku and his minions whose goal is similar to the protagonists that they also want the entire jewel. As such, there are many enemies to fight with and so even if Inuyasha and Kagome are fighting the boss, there are other enemies for their companions to fight with showing us what they’re capable of.

Yashahime has the seven rainbow pearls which not everyone knows about and while powerful, it’s not as great as the Shikon Jewel that helped create it. There’s also just one main bad guy group - Kirinmaru, his sister Zero, and the four perils (one of them is dead before the story starts, too so 3 perils). Not all of them have minions or bring a horde of demons in battle so in a fight with the trio, there’s a lack of enemy. Some episodes at least have 2-3 or so but the later boss fights are like, 1 or 2... and Moroha gets thrown off and the twins get the spotlight and there’s no other enemy they can give Moroha who ends up being used as comic relief.

I hope this changes in the second season at least. Let Moroha show off more of her badass abilities. Even if she's a quarter-demon, she is also the daughter of Kagome and have sacred abilities which can actually fight off demons and make her immune to some debilitating stuff for demons like her as shown in one of the episodes. There's so much potential there!

Also, I wish they let Hisui be a part of the team. Like, he’s Miroku and Sango’s kid. Can’t he be a part of the main cast, too? It’s a waste cause he is close with Setsuna having worked with her as a Demon Slayer. He could be incorporated in the story and could even give us insights as to what's happened with his family in the time when Inuyasha and Kagome disappeared and all that and even give a reason to have Miroku and Sango appearances from time to time.

Thoughts on Yawaragi and the wolves:

Another thing wasted. She helped raise Moroha who is a main character so she should've gotten a bit more screentime rather than everything about her shoved in one episode and is barely talked about after. If they just didn't do the whole mystery thing with Moroha's backstory they could've put more flashbacks with her time with Moroha earlier in the show. You can't tell me they weren't trying to make Moroha's past mysterious when she barely talked about her Master or her childhood with not even a single second of flashback showing up before the episode with Yawaragi. There's also that time when Towa asked why Moroha is trying so hard to get money from bounty hunting and then Moroha dodged answering. So many theories came out of that interaction! People thought her bounty hunting and debt is connected to her real parents even.

If they didn't go with this route we could've gotten attached to the idea that even if Moroha didn't have her real parents around, she's got someone else that care about her and their reunion and battle against each other would've felt more dramatic. I personally would've felt "No! She could've been here longer to see Moroha grow as a fighter and even talk to her parents once they're back!" but due to how it was done, I couldn't feel that. Moroha is already independent when she's introduced and again, we barely hear anything about Yawaragi. It would've also helped develop Moroha as a character cause we'd know more about her and how she became who she is now.

Also, Moroha is given to the wolf tribe led by Koga. Imagine if they showed that in flashbacks and expanded on it! Koga's a supporting character in Inuyasha and was even in a love triangle with him wanting to get Kagome. It would've been interesting to see the characters we knew from back then while also showing us Moroha's childhood.

Like, one of the things I mentioned that I wanted to see when I found out the sequel is about the next gen kids is seeing how the now grown up cast of Inuyasha interact with the kids and how they are as parents. With the kids' actual parents not around for reasons (depriving us of seeing how they'd handle being first time parents which is a shame), the kids' interaction with their foster family is the next best thing. They gave us a couple of episodes about Towa and her life with the Higurashi's (specifically, Kagome's now adult younger brother Souta and his family) and later Setsuna living in the hanyou village under Shiori - also a supporting character like Koga but appears only for a few episodes. Again, something for the twins but not much for Moroha. It could've been something!

Thoughts on Takechiyo:

He's kind of like the Shippo of the show but isn't treated like he is. I like it actually cause seeing the promotional materials made me think he'd be Shippo 2.0 but just like the other characters, he didn't become an actual copy-paste.

Takechiyo works for Jyubei just like Moroha does but he's more of Moroha's supervisor (could order her around and would send Jyubei reports of what Moroha is doing on the job) while also acting as transportation for Moroha (or Towa if bribed) towards where the demon they need to fight are. He's not a part of the main cast but shows up a lot due to the transportation thing.

He does seem to have a deeper backstory but it is barely touched upon at all. I do hope they do something about it in s2.

Thoughts on Riku x Towa:

From the episode where Riku is first introduced, many fans already wanted to ship Riku with Towa. They do have that feel to it with their interaction at the beginning - it's cute! It does get the spotlight and the fans do get an episode which is really shippy but as I pointed out in the main Yashahime post, it felt rushed.

The first time Riku appeared, they had a bit of moment and then Riku has Towa framed up for stealing a sword he probably took himself for entertainment, probably as there seem to have not been any important reason for this. It gets settled as we saw from episode 1 but it's never brought up again. When he shows up in front of the trio later on, he gets greeted like the issue never happened.

Anyways, Riku does get scenes for himself but it's either him being mysterious or interacting with the enemies (which made it hard for fans to pinpoint exactly where his loyalties lie and it was hard to know how exactly to feel about him). He doesn't have much interaction with the trio either only showing up from time to time and there didn't seem to be any personal talks either.. you know, bonding moment that isn't just going into battle?

I'm bringing all of this up because the shippy episode is, as I said, felt rushed. Riku suddenly feels something for Towa but it felt like it came out of nowhere due to the lack of meaningful scenes together. He's not human nor a normal being (he's a doll, apparently?) and don't understand emotions that well and the buildup to him suddenly having feelings for Towa felt unrealistic. Emotionless or stoic characters gaining an understanding of feelings, especially their own, is a big deal. Sesshoumaru himself, Towa's father, went through this and his character development from always annoyed and angry villain to actually-starting-to-care anti-hero is really fun to watch and it was something I looked forward to seeing in the original series. Riku's development didn't really have give the same satisfying feeling due to how it was handled. There was a lack of gradual buildup.

Upon revisiting past episodes and remembering that he doesn't think very well of half-demons and humans (probably cause of what happened to his mistress, Zero with the whole heartbreak thing) it makes the thing even weirder. I could maybe think that he might be lying to Towa but a couple of his actions later on like lying to Zero about Towa, it seems he does honestly care about her.

There's still a chance in s2 though since the two didn't really get together and were more "I don't get it but maybe I do feel something." in that episode. It's not fully romantic yet but could actually get there. With Riku being connected to Kirinmaru and Zero though, I'm kind of scared for how his character would develop outside of ships (like he could end up becoming a bad guy firmly on Zero's side with no hesitation anymore to uh... I do hope they don't kill him in the end).

His role of being in the enemy side but slowly cares for the heroes have so much potential for a fun story development!

Finally, thoughts on Kirinmaru:

He’s been kinda weird from the start. He could’ve killed the girls himself when he found out about them but he didn’t even though there’s this prophecy thing which is strange. I mean it was talked about like it was urgent but then again, most of it seem to be fueled by Zero and her personal issues at being heartbroken lol.

Kirinmaru is as confusing as Riku when it comes to understanding what he’s on about and where his character is gonna go. A bad guy who doesn’t really act like it and have mysterious plans. I guess this’ll be focused on in season 2. Hopefully. Please don’t drag this out longer than it should be.

On the other hand, a minor thing: final battle between the girls and Kirinmaru at the first season’s climax: Setsuna is probably dead and her sister and cousin are enraged. Moroha goes Beniyasha-mode and Towa finally goes demon-mode and both unleash their most powerful attacks onto Kirinmaru. They got beaten which isn’t as surprise at all cause Kirinmaru is supposed to be as powerful as the girls’ grandfather who is a Daiyoukai and there’s no way in hell a bunch of kids (with one lacking in a lot of battle experience) could suddenly beat him just like that.

Anyways, Moroha uses her most powerful attack which is something her grandpa, the Daiyoukai Toga created but had evolved into something more her own. Towa is similar with her using her most powerful attack that came from her father but this time, changed into something of her own. Kirinmaru notices and while blocking off their attacks actually talks to them basically saying “These techniques you’re using that originally came from your grandfather and father respectively have been changed into something else by yourselves so you guys should rename them appropriately.”

He said it so calmly before defeating them afterwards. I thought “lol this guy sounds like a teacher.”

Hehehe

[undignifiend]

Theme Ramblings - On Evil, Honesty, Violence, and Better Ways to Rule Number Two (Local Windbag Spends All Night Pontificating Again)

I really like Trollhunters and Tales of Arcadia. I feel like it addresses important themes that I also want to address in my own writing, and I feel like that is part of what makes it an awesome world and story to explore, through the original stories, and through fanfiction. I find exploring ideas within an already established world is very helpful and therapeutic. So here are my current thoughts on some of those themes, which have also been informed by various other stories. Narrative is one of the ways through which we process the world. And one of my goals is to learn how to do that with clarity, practicality, and compassion. So here’s a bit of what I think I’ve learned so far.

Warnings: Talking about violence, with pain and trauma. Stay safe. Also, spoilers for Tales of Arcadia - Wizards, and for the film You Were Never Really Here.

+++++

‘Evil’ is not a word that holds a lot of weight with me, at least not the way I feel it’s commonly used, especially in stories. Some bully without any redeeming qualities beating someone up for a power trip is a common motif, but I don’t find it a compelling or useful model of how or why some people act shitty, or how to possibly fix it nonviolently. As something of a determinist, I don’t believe our decisions just pop out of a vacuum - rather, that they are informed by our experiences, which we react to in healthy or unhealthy ways depending on what we think we understand and what we want to protect.

Or at least I think that’s a nice idea, but I don’t know how practical it actually is. For instance, maybe there are actual people who are just idiots, cowards, or cruel and nothing more, and interacting with them in a good-faith manner is an entirely hopeless waste of our limited time - especially when those mofos are actively threatening people. “They’re complex people, too!” seems kind of irrelevant when they’re calling for killing those who disagree with them, for example.

Maybe I’m having trouble with this idea because I haven’t actually recognized such mind-numbing simplistic malice in anyone directly involved in my life. I’m starting to think I might be spoiled that way.

I also want to emphasize that I’m not even remotely claiming “Everyone is right in their own ways”. Some mofos out there are objectively incorrect. I’m currently convinced that we all think we’re right, but not that we all are. Or that even when we realize we’re wronging someone, we tend to spin narratives that twist the situation to make ourselves look better, or even like we’re “The Real Victims! D:” to justify and excuse something we may otherwise deem tragic.

What horrifies me (what I’ve witnessed) is when harm is done by people who think they’re doing the right thing, or that they’re justified, or that it’s normal. People who otherwise have potential to do good, making a selfish call out of fear, anger, apathy, a misplaced sense of righteousness, or even just a desperate and ill-advised attempt to feel seen or important. The ‘evil’ that scares me most is a loss of perspective that leads to (and justifies or excuses) tragedy. That loss of perspective, I also think, is a key part of what makes propaganda possible. Calling someone ‘evil’ is often intended to deface them and simplify them into a problem or obstacle to be rid of - no longer a complex individual, but a symbol of all that is wrong with the world - a bully or ‘monster’ without redeeming qualities. (Often represented as something “subhuman” that we supposedly don’t have to feel bad about killing.) An external threat to vanquish in favor of facing whatever horrible truth we’re running from, or what conditions led to people acting in these harmful, tragic ways. (And if we can understand those conditions, perhaps we can guard against them and hopefully even save some lives and change them for the better?) I think calling someone ‘evil’ is not only impractical (and useless when it comes to diagnosing why someone is behaving a certain way, or how to effectively either help them grow up or maybe at least help prevent them from causing more harm), I think it opens the door for otherwise good people to do horrific things, all the while avoiding the root of the problem, and calling themselves justified and heroic.

That’s part of why I’m so excited about Wizards. (Finally got to ToA!) I appreciated Arthur as an example of what’s familiar to me, and the kinds of thinking I want us to learn to recognize and avoid. His grief was relatable - we’ve all lost someone, and we all have people we want to protect. But it’s monumentally important that we don’t commit Arthur’s tragedy, and take our pain out on others. And it’s also important that we don’t dismiss the pain that others are struggling to cope with, as Arthur dismissed Morgana’s and the trolls’ when he called them evil. And part of why I genuinely like Arthur as a character (not just an antagonist) was that he came around and admitted that he was wrong, and wanted to repair the damage he did.

At least until his Green Knight chapter, the motivations of which I’m still unsure of. I’m not the sharpest crayon in the shed, but it seemed like a non sequitur to me... after a certain point. If you have some insight into what’s going on with him, I’m all ears. I’m a little worried I might just be projecting my issues again.

So far, here’s what I think I can glean: I relate to the lines “How can I be at peace when the world is still broken?” and “He awoke to a legacy of a violent and awful world.” I don’t want to get into the specifics of my own experiences, but I understand the horror of “waking up” to a horrifying reality, and the motivation to try to change it somehow. The all-consuming restlessness of it, and the inability to escape or reconcile it, and the constant, never-ending tension that slowly rips you apart and isolates you from everyone and poisons your faith in humanity because you’ve looked into the abyss so long you now recognize that it’s where you’ve lived all along. Because no matter what kind of new equilibrium you scramble for, the truth remains that terrible, unnecessary harm is being done, and will continue to be done (and justified and excused and even laughed at) by otherwise good people until we all die out - and that will be our legacy even as we continue to squawk empty platitudes about how intelligent and compassionate and special we are, and nothing makes any of that okay.

In my worst, most melodramatic moments, I even understand the ‘Let it all burn, if it can’t be saved’ mentality. But I don’t have a lot of patience for defeatism, so it’s not a mentality I can take seriously for long at all, and that’s where my understanding (if I may be so pretentious?) of the Green Knight stops. Because I know there are many others who have seen what I’ve seen and feel the same way I do, and believe that a better way is possible, however distant, and who have done loads more than I have to change it. And (perhaps more importantly) I know that even those who perpetuate some of the same harms I want to stop, and even crack jokes about it, are still good people who mean well, and have their own pains to cope with.

What I want is for us (and our heroes) to recognize when we are being dishonest or unfair, and to call ourselves out, even when it’s inconvenient (or when it feels impossible, like when we’re scared, angry, or hurt). I love and admire people who can face their feelings and uncertainties honestly, and I want to be like them, because I believe that’s the most important, constructive kind of courage there is, it’s part of growing into a stronger, kinder person, and this stupid world needs a lot more of that in it.

And I think the whole topic of Evil is connected to our fascination with violence, and those who are skilled at it. (Though I’m not here to say ‘Violence Bad’. I know it’s not that simple.) In some situations, no other method has a chance of saving you or those you want to protect, and if you find yourself in such a situation, it pays to be good at violence, and to have friends who are, too. The stakes are high, so it makes for great drama, and is prevalent in stories all over the world. This also makes it a rather dramatic delivery system for Justice - or the Retributive version, anyway. Retribution is visceral, and easily understood, and speaks to our instincts of promoting and preserving status (teaching others not to screw us over or They’ll Pay), and discouraging harmful behaviors by harming the perpetrators...

I consider myself a rehabilitationist. But I understand the draw of retribution. I really do. The vast majority of my intrusive thoughts revolve around it, in particularly violent manners. It’s not fun, and it doesn’t feel powerful, and it feels weird to me to see stories that portray it as powerful, rather than as a failure or a loss. I understand the emotional desire to punish someone who has hurt an innocent. But I also understand it to a degree that transcends its original feelings of righteousness, takes itself to eyebrow-raising extremes, and makes me sick. Retribution has been glorified all throughout our history, and it scratches a primal itch, and yes, sometimes it may be the only available answer in order to prevent further harm. (Rehabilitation requires far more resources than Retribution, often making it impractical or overly risky in contexts of scarcity. I think that’s a huge factor in why ideals like Law, Justice, and Decency break down in a lot of Post-Apocalyptic story environments. It’s not just that our sense of Order has collapsed, it’s that we no longer have the infrastructure to support the ideals that Order was established to protect - though I would Not say that our current “justice” system in the US is rehabilitative or even ethical, but that’s a whole other rant.) But beyond that, I don’t believe Retribution is practical or productive. I believe it’s tragically ironic, loses sight of context and systemic issues, lends false-credence to the idea that people are the way they are due to innate, immutable qualities rather than taking their environment and experiences into account, and as a result, opens the door for good people to, again, do and justify horrific things.

It’s a hard, brutal film to watch, but I recommend You Were Never Really Here. The violence in this film feels far more real than the violence I’ve seen in any other because they don’t dress it up, or make it flashy. It’s more like something you’d see in a hidden-camera documentary. And their honest treatment of it was a visceral reminder of what violence actually is.

It puts a gut-wrenching twist on the ‘revenge fantasy’ and what it actually means to watch someone suffer and die. Even someone who had it coming. There’s a painful empathy to this film in its treatment of the characters and all the rituals (harmful or not) they use to cope with the violence they in turn have suffered. And the climax of the film centers on the awful realization that, despite his efforts, the protagonist was unable to protect someone from violence, or having to inflict violence of her own - like him, she’s marked by it now, too. She absolutely did it in self-defense, but the fact that she had to do it is still tragic. She has to live and cope with it now, as he does. And in the final scene, there’s this hellish sense of separation between them as they are, and the comparatively bright, happy lives they might have lived if they had not had to go through such horrific experiences. It’s unstated, but there’s this intense feeling that they’re haunted. Like they can be near that bright, happy life, but never cross the veil to reach it, themselves. The film ends with the girl deciding to try and find some happiness anyway. (“It’s a beautiful day.”) It’s not a happy ending, but it’s a hopeful one. It’s not a Good Triumphs Over Evil story. It’s a painful confrontation with an awful reality, and the struggle to find a way to carry on somehow.

And that resonates. Because we all know to some degree or other what it’s like to confront something awful, something we can’t just deny or forget or reconcile, and to try to find some way to cope with it. That tension can be so painful that it’s understandable (but still not excusable) why people sometimes try to pin it all on a scapegoat - so they can take something insurmountable, and turn it into something they can fight and triumph over. It’s a form of processing our grief, but it’s unfair, dishonest, and harmful, and inflicts more grief on others.

Anyway, in this fanfic I’ve been puttering around on (and trying to explore these themes through), Jim tries to solve things non-violently (as he often tried to do in the show, which I really like). Someday/night, he might not have the option, or can’t see any other way out. He knows that he (or someone else) is being seen as an outlet for someone’s frustrations - they’re using him as a symbol to project their own problems and issues on - something external they can beat up and triumph over in place of something intangible.

If he’s going to fight this outlook, I think he has to understand it - on more than a theoretical level. He has to go there himself. Maybe he punches Steve after all. (Maybe in the 2nd draft - or maybe later in the current iteration.) And he hates it. He’s changed forever, but not the way he expected to be. He feels capable, and righteous, and he doesn’t regret standing up for Eli or himself, but he doesn’t feel good. Because even if it’s easier to just dismiss Steve as a bully, and even if it occurs to Jim to do that - and even if he can feel it viscerally for a moment, Jim isn’t going to lie to himself. He can still see what Steve is, past his own anger. Steve is lashing out because he feels wronged and powerless, and he’s acting like his dad because that’s who made him feel that way, and that’s who showed him how to deal with those same feelings. Steve is a kid trying to process what he’s been through. It’s easy to forget that when Steve is trying to beat Jim down - when Draal has been trying to beat him down, too - and he’s had enough of all these angry people twisting their ideas of him in their heads and taking their anger out on him. He fought back because he couldn’t see any other option for handling it, and Steve was not willing to give him one. But from this, Jim knows how it feels to be demonized (seen as a manifestation of someone’s problems, some enemy to vanquish). And it becomes monumentally important to him never to succumb to that way of thinking, himself.

He’s not a crusader. If he has to fight and hurt or kill someone, it’s not because he thinks they’re a manifestation of evil. It’s because he does not see any recourse in stopping them from hurting or killing others. To him, violence is a tragedy meant to prevent another tragedy. And whether that justifies it or not is a question he will have to carry.

A lot of the combat we see in media, I would classify as “action”, and not violence. The vast majority of the time, it’s a choreographed dance that’s fun to watch, full of cool stunts that look like they’d be fun to do. It’s more like competitive eye-candy than anything else.

It’s fun, and I like the idea of writing that, but only in the context of sparring, or play. I don’t even want to call those “fights” or make a distinction between those and a “real fight”, because fighting is violence, and I hope to write about violence as honestly as I can. That’s part of what I like and admire about a lot of Guillermo del Toro’s other works, too. It’s not a dance, and it’s not glorious*. It’s ugly, terrifying, and it hurts to watch, and it makes us worry for his characters all the more, because it forces us to acknowledge how vulnerable they really are.

*Or, glory as it’s often treated, I think. If there really is any glory to be had in real violence, I think it’s in the willingness to act in a crisis to protect others. Terror is notoriously paralyzing, so this is where the value of training comes in - as a kind of autopilot mode to fall back on, and suppress our panic in the moment. The emotional fallout and trembling will come after the crisis has passed, but in an emergency, not knowing what to do, and feeling helpless, can be one of the most devastating weapons against us.

Sparring and training can be a fun and exhilarating test of skill, where no one intends to maim or kill you. It’s completely different from fighting. In a fight, the goal is not to learn or grow or compete, the goal is to either kill someone, or hurt them so badly that they can’t try to hurt you (or anyone else) anymore (or enough to give you time to get away). It’s very stressful and often traumatizing. One wrong move will have lasting consequences, if you’re lucky enough to survive to put up with them. Even if you win, odds are, you’re going to get hurt - maybe permanently. It’s the visceral understanding that someone has decided to disassemble you, and the only way to stop them is to disassemble them first. It’s an ugly reminder of the components of our bodies, and how fragile they really are.

“There are better ways to finish a fight than punching someone in the face.”

I agree with this - there are better methods of conflict resolution, and we must use them. And I really like how Jim carried this forward in sparing Chompsky and Draal. But I also felt like Claire fundamentally failed to understand what she had witnessed (and maybe I’m the one who misunderstood). I just didn’t appreciate what I felt was a lecture from someone who didn’t get it. Not that I’d wish for her to get it - it’s a horrible position to be in. When someone is actively trying to hurt you, it’s hard as hell to remember those better ways, and there’s no guarantee that they would work - at this point, you have to get the attacker to stop quickly. Steve resisted all other attempts to defuse the situation, and I don’t think it’s fair to blame someone for fighting back.

“A hero is not he who is fearless, but he who is not stopped by it.”

But I’m also not going to put down someone who still seeks to defuse a situation, even despite the risks. That’s a huge gamble, and it requires a massive amount of courage and good faith in the other party, and it won’t always pay off. But when it works, I believe it can open up possibilities that might not otherwise exist, because to demonstrate good faith in someone is to demonstrate that you are Not The Enemy. I think Douxie demonstrated this marvelously with the Lady of the Lake in Wizards. He gave up the most powerful weapon he had - or what was left of it - to free Nimue rather than fight her when it looked like she was about to End everybody. Once he realized the truth of her situation, he took action to alleviate it - because he wasn’t going to beat up a prisoner, and he did not consider her imprisonment acceptable in the first place.

Jim is not a pacifist, in Trollhunters canon, or in the AU idea I’ve been messing with. He will fight to stop others from killing, and he might end up having to kill in the process if all other attempts fail. But (at least in this AU thing) he will see it as a tragic failure to bridge a gap. He refuses to succumb to the way of thinking that presents his opponents as evil, even if that would make it simpler for him to process their horrific actions. They’re living, complex beings, not symbols of everything wrong with the world. And often, the reason they’re trying to hurt others to begin with is because they have succumbed to that “seeing their opponents as evil” way of thinking, themselves. As Jim sees it in Building Bridges, that Lie is everyone’s greatest enemy. It’s part of what allows otherwise good people (like Arthur and Morgana) to do, justify, and condone horrific things.

He will fight if he must, but he will do his best to reach others first, to show them the truth, and try to find a way to effectively address whatever underlying pain is causing them to lash out. If Maria Edgeworth has a point about how “The human heart opens only to the heart that opens in return,” Jim will transcend “human” by taking the risk of opening his heart first (whether or not he also becomes a half-troll in this AU idea). I currently think that’s the most profound way to prove that “evil” view wrong.

This is not to say that he will do so incautiously. Jim takes his role as a protector seriously, and he will do what he must in service to that. But he sees potential in others, and values it. He’s not a saint, but he strives to be understanding and compassionate. And that’s damn hard work. It takes effort to be good, and to see the good in others, especially when you’re hurting.

[writing-and-chex-mix]

The Walmart Disaster

Heyy, I’ve just posted my first fanfiction on ao3! It’s Irondad/Spiderson, so if you like that, I’d love it if you read it! Find it on ao3! Summary: "Mr. Stark, you really didn't have to do this," Peter said as he pushed the cart through the Walmart aisles. "I wanted to, kid." Tony picked up a pack of Ticonderoga pencils. "This is the best brand of pencil here, right? You're not getting any crappy, generic pencils if I have anything to say about it." "I'm fine with off-brand school supplies, Mr. Stark!" Peter protested, trying and failing to grab the Ticonderogas out of his mentor's hands. "Seriously, I am. It's what I get every year." "Not this year," Mr. Stark said, grabbing two more boxes and dropping them in the cart. Peter put his face in his hands. This was not going well.

aka: Tony, a human disaster, takes Peter, another human disaster, school supplies shopping.

"Mr. Stark, you really didn't have to do this," Peter said as he pushed the cart through the Walmart aisles.

"I wanted to, kid." Tony picked up a pack of Ticonderoga pencils. "This is the best brand of pencil here, right? You're not getting any crappy, generic pencils if I have anything to say about it."

"I'm fine with off-brand school supplies, Mr. Stark!" Peter protested, trying and failing to grab the Ticonderogas out of his mentor's hands. "Seriously, I am. It's what I get every year."

"Not this year," Mr. Stark said, grabbing two more boxes and dropping them in the cart.

Peter put his face in his hands. This was not going well.

***     ***

When Aunt May got a job promotion, Peter was thrilled. However, the promotion meant she had to work longer hours, and the time she had off was best used for rest. The two realized only a week and a half before school was meant to start that they hadn't gone back-to-school shopping. May was going to be working almost non-stop for the rest of the summer and wouldn't have time to take Peter out- so she called Tony.

"I'm still not sure I like you," she had said on the phone, "but I can't take him shopping, and he's grown out of all his clothes. He's taking all honors classes this year and needs extra stuff, and school is coming up fast. I know you’re probably busy, but if you could just spare a few hours, I’d really appreciate-”

“Of course I’ll take him, May,” Tony had answered. “I’m not letting our favorite spider-child start his junior year of high school without any school supplies. Don’t worry, I don’t have anything important this week to do- does Wednesday sound alright to you?"

And that is why Peter found himself in the back-to-school section of Walmart with Tony Stark on a Wednesday morning.

"Let's see, what else do you need?" Tony muttered, squinting at the supply list Peter had printed out and given him. "Blunt-edged scissors. What is this, a daycare? You're fifteen, not five. You can have sharp scissors."

"But the list says-"

"I know what the list says," Tony said, "but I've suddenly decided I can't read. Fiskar's a good brand, right?"

Peter sighed. "Yeah."

This'll all be over soon, and then I can go to school pretending they were out of the safety scissors.

Oh, how wrong he was.

***     ***

"Eleven Kleenex boxes? Why do they need so many?” Tony peered down at the list in confusion. “Is everyone there sick? Should I be concerned? Should I donate?"

Peter sighed. "We don't have to get all eleven if you think that's too much. I'm sure my teachers won't miss them."

"No! Never!" Tony cried, grabbing all the boxes he could carry and dumping them in the cart. "Just because I think it's ridiculous doesn't mean I'm gonna skimp!"

***     ***

"They're out of yellow folders with brads," Peter told Tony from the next aisle.

"What?" Tony walked over to the teen and surveyed the shelves. "Those ones don't have brads?" He picked up one of the few yellow folders remaining and opened it to check inside.

"Nope," Peter replied, popping the "p".

Tony frowned and put the folder back. "Curse you, Walmart!"

***     ***

“Sixteen ounce hand sanitizer…” Tony muttered as he pushed the half-full cart through the cleaning supplies aisle. “Where the heck is that?”

“There’s hand sanitizer right there,” Peter said, pointing towards the end of the aisle.

“Yes! There it- no, that’s not right.” Tony picked up a small bottle of hand sanitizer and read the label. “This is eight ounces. The list says sixteen.”

The two looked through the whole aisle but couldn’t find a sixteen ounce bottle of hand sanitizer.

“Would buying two eight-ounce bottles count?” Peter asked.

“Wait, I’ve got one!” Tony cried, holding out a bottle he had found at the back of the shelf, hidden behind other types of hand sanitizer.”

“Okay, check,” Peter said, pulling out a pen and grabbing the list from the cart. He clicked the pen and moved to cross out the hand sanitizer when he groaned. “It says it has to be a hand pump.”

“What?” Tony’s eyes darted back and forth between Peter and the bottle of sanitizer that was obviously not a hand pump. “Crap.”

***     ***

“The next thing on the list is...manilla paper,” Tony said as Peter set a pack of ballpoint pens into the cart. “I didn’t know high schoolers still used that. Are you taking art or something? What class needs manilla paper?”

Peter snorted. “You mean vanilla paper?”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “No. Manilla paper.”

Peter frowned in confusion. “What’s manilla paper?”

Tony walked into the next aisle and came back with a 100-sheet pack of the buff-colored paper. “Here you go.”

“But that’s vanilla paper!”

Tony looked at the label. “Kid, I’m pretty sure it says manilla paper. I’m not going blind yet.”

Peter grabbed the paper out of his mentor’s hand and gaped at the label. “But...but I thought...what?”

“You’ve seriously gone through eleven years of school thinking that this was called vanilla paper?” Tony laughed.

Peter’s face burned. “It’s not my fault the words sound so similar! Also, it made sense, because of the...color.” His face got redder and redder as he tried to defend himself.

Tony shook his head. “Kid, you’re the dumbest genius kid I’ve ever met, and I’m including myself.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult.”

“Just put the paper in the cart, kid.”

***     ***

"Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am!" Tony rushed over to a black-haired woman who was pushing a cart full of school supplies down the aisle next to them, a young girl trailing behind.

The woman stopped and turned. "Can I help you?"

He pointed to her cart. "Does that yellow folder have brads?"

The woman slowly nodded. "Yes…"

Tony grinned. "I will literally pay you two hundred dollars for that folder."

"Mr. Stark, no!" Peter shouted, walking up beside him.

Tony pulled out his wallet. "Mr. Stark, yes!"

***     ***

“Aha!” Peter exclaimed, “I found a sixteen ounce sanitizer hand pump!” He held it up proudly.

Tony frowned. “Why was it in the shoe aisle?”

Peter looked around to see if there was a hand sanitizer display and, not seeing one, shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea. But at least we have the right hand sanitizer!”

“Put it in the cart and check it off, kid.”

Peter carefully set the hand pump down and reached in his back pocket for the supply list.

He froze.

“Uh...where’s the list?”

***     ***

“How did you lose the list?” Tony asked as the two speed-walked back towards the front of the store, Tony dragging the cart behind him.

“I don’t know! It was in my pocket most of the time!” Peter said, his eyes scanning the floor for the list frantically.

“‘Most of the time’?” Tony asked. “Did you set it down somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Peter confirmed, “in the cart!”

“That doesn’t help at all!”

***     ***

“You know what, we don’t need the list,” Tony said, putting a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “We’ve been looking for half an hour- I don’t think we’re gonna find it.” Peter sighed. “You’re right. We should just- oh my gosh, it’s right there!” He pointed to a man pushing a cart right behind Tony.

“Where?” Tony turned around and spotted the list, wedged between a large package of toilet paper and the bottom of the shopping cart. “Oh. Of course. Right underneath the toilet paper.”

“I’ll get it,” Peter said, bounding over to the man pushing the cart towards the checkout line. “Hey! Hey, sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but my school supplies list is in your cart- I don’t know how it got there, I must have dropped it somewhere and it attached to your cart- anyways, can you stop for just a second so I can grab it? I’m really sorry, sir, I don’t know how the list got there-”

“Kid!” Tony, who was trailing behind the two, snapped Peter out of his ramblings. “He can’t hear you!” “What? He can’t…” Peter looked at the man, who was still pushing his cart, oblivious to Peter’s dilemma, and his jaw dropped.

“Oh. Oh my gosh,” Peter muttered. “He-he’s got Airpods in! He can’t hear us! Oh my gosh.” He shook his head. “When did memes start applying to my life?”

“Peter, just- nevermind, I’ll do it,” Tony said, briskly walking past Peter and to the self-checkout the man had arrived at while Peter was having an existential crisis.

The billionaire tapped the man on the shoulder and waited before the man had made eye contact with him and taken out his Airpods before speaking.

“Sir, I need to grab a list that is stuck to your toilet paper, it’ll be just-”

“It’s my toilet paper, don’t take it,” the man said, glaring at Tony.

“Wh-no, I just need to-”

The man raised a finger at Tony. “If you take my toilet paper, I’ll call the authorities, I’m warning you.”

“But I’m not-”

The man put his Airpods back in and continued scanning his groceries.

Tony backed slowly out of the line.

“What was that you were saying, Mr. Stark?” Peter asked airily, walking up to stand beside him. “You’ll do it?”

“Oh, shut up,” Tony grumbled. “You didn’t do any better.”

“How are we gonna get the list now?” Peter asked. “He said not to touch the toilet paper.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “He said not to take the toilet paper. And I won’t! I’ll just grab the list real fast.” He cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, kid.”

Before Peter could protest, Tony dashed over to where the man was just about to finish scanning and bagging his groceries and placed a hand on the toilet paper…just as the man bent down to grab it.

The two men turned their heads to each other in what seemed to Peter like slow motion. Their eyes widened.

The man yanked his one of his Airpods out with his free hand. “Security!” he yelled. “This man is stealing my toilet paper!”

“I’m not stealing your freaking toilet paper!” Tony shouted. “I just need to grab my list! It was stuck to your toilet paper! See-” Tony looked down at the package where the list should’ve been and immediately stopped. “What? It was right here! It was right here!”

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to let go of the toilet paper,” a cashier who had come over to see what the problem was told him.

“No!” Tony said. He yanked the toilet paper out of the man’s hands and turned it over. “It’s got to be here somewhere,” he muttered.

“You’re just gonna let him take my toilet paper?” the man asked, his face red. “I’m gonna give this place a bad review.”

“I don’t think a bad review’s going to hurt Walmart, buddy,” a bystander called back.

“Where the heck is that list?” Tony said.

“Mr. Stark, we can just print a new list- it doesn’t really matter,” Peter pleaded.

“Is that Tony Stark?"

"I want my toilet paper!"

"It was just here!"

"Enough!"

***     ***

"I can't believe you got us kicked out of Walmart," Peter grumbled from the backseat of the car.

"It wasn't my fault," Tony protested beside him. "It was that crazy man with the fake Airpods!"

"They were fake?"

"Tony, if I know anything about you, it's that it's always your fault," Happy said.

Tony hmmmphed and crossed his arms.

“What are we gonna do now?” Peter asked. “We didn’t get to buy any supplies! And I’m not sure I trust you in Target. Or any store for that matter.”

“You ever heard of online shopping, kid?”

***     ***

“Hey, Mr. Stark, you’re in the news!”

“I’m always in the news, kid, what is it this time?” Tony turned around from where he was standing in the lab to see Peter scrolling on his phone.

“‘Tony Stark Caught Stealing Toilet Paper from Citizen in Local Walmart’,” Peter read, grinning. “This Wednesday, Mr. Gabriel Smith was shopping for needed supplies-”

“Oh, give me that!”

“-and was in the process of paying for his items when Tony Stark reportedly grabbed his toilet paper-”

“Peter!”

[ghostlywritten]

Too Nice To Say Goodbye Pt. 2

A/N: Look, a bias wrecker.

For those, who are waiting on an update for ‘Uncertainty’: I’m having a tough time coming up with an interesting plot, because the third season royally sucked in my opinion. I’m gonna try, but it will take a while.

Words: 3,5k+

Part 1 

It took you a huge amount of self control to keep the tears at bay throughout the night. Haechan was fidgeting nervously every now and then next to you, his eyes constantly flickering over as if he was afraid you would blow up at any minute.

You almost rolled your eyes. You were not going to cry in front of anyone. You had never even cried in front of Mark despite all the time you’d shared together so far.

‘Speaking of’, you let your eyes wander to your ‘boyfriend’ or whatever he was right now, who was completely immersed in the show, his arm loosely hanging over Yeri’s back of the seat. 

‘They would look good together,’ you realised, noticing the admiring look Yeri would occasionally throw at him. You had known about her feelings right from the beginning. Not that she was mean to you or anything, she was just as nice as Mark. It was the quiet but passionate way she always looked at him when she thought no one was watching. 

You felt uncomfortably out of place. As if you were the villain standing in the way of their love. The best friends separated by a third person, because they hadn’t yet acknowledged or admitted their feelings to each other. It was so cliche, it was sickening you.

For the rest of the night you kept to yourself, nursing the one drink you had as you watched the others chat animatedly over mindless discussions. You wondered briefly if they had known all along what you had just concluded for yourself and felt your cheeks warm in embarrassment.

‘I can never show my face here again,’ you thought to yourself as you bid them goodnight after a few hours, the cold air refreshing as you stepped out with Mark in tow. You breathed in deeply, finding it easier now to keep your emotions in check since you got out of that stuffy room (and away from the lovesick eyes of Yeri).

“That was cool, right? Just us chilling, all relaxed and stuff,” Mark commented, sighing blissfully as he fell into step beside you. You had decided to walk the short way to Johnny’s flat earlier but you started to regret it now as it seemed to be a much longer route than you had in mind, not to mention the wind being freezing cold. 

“Mhm,” you hummed, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your sweater. Usually you would hold on Mark’s hands as they were always mysteriously warm but it was too awkward now. 

Everything was uncomfortably awkward with him now. 

Two weeks passed and you were retreating more and more into your shell, shying away from any sort of contact with the NCT gang. You couldn’t help the humiliation you felt, knowing how you were the unwelcome third wheel standing in the way of the best-friends-to-lovers relationship. They were probably all waiting for you to just be left behind and for the actual love to start blossoming between Mark and Yeri. 

But although it was quite easy for you to stay away from them and have all these bitter thoughts you just didn’t have it in you to break up with Mark. Your love for him was achingly real and it hadn’t wavered a single bit, despite the situation.

You still smiled when he did, you still laughed when he did, you still gave him a kiss on the cheek whenever you woke up first and you still longed for his touch, even if it was just a simple intertwining of your hands at night whilst he was fast asleep.

You never went as far as that anymore. Never initiated anything when he was fully conscious, not wanting to make him feel awkward. You had to cringe whenever you thought back on all the skinship you had done and how discomforting it must have been for him. 

‘When has he stopped finding comfort with me?’ you wondered sadly, trying to distract yourself with some studying. Keyword, “trying”. All you did was stare blankly at the screen of your laptop, rereading a line without taking in its contents as your eyes grew more and more tired with each passing second. 

A door opened and fell shut, shaking you awake from your mindless state. “I’m home,” Mark announced and you heard him stop his shuffling as if he was expecting an answer. 

You opened your mouth to shout back the usual “Welcome back, love” but the words died on the tip of your tongue and you just pressed your lips together, swallowing tightly. 

“Y/N, are you home?” Mark called out, walking further inside.

“I’m here,” you said quietly just as he passed by the kitchen, causing him to jerk in surprise. 

“Oh my Jesus, you scared me,” he breathed out, laughing as he held his hand to his heart. Your own thudded out of rhythm upon seeing his dimples. 

“Sorry,” you said with a wry smile before you looked back at your screen, pretending to read whatever you had put up. You actually didn’t have to study anymore since graduation came up in a month but it wasn’t like Mark knew about that.

“What are you up to?” he asked, ruffling his black hair as he took out a water bottle from the fridge, handing you one as well. 

“Just some post-studying,” you replied vaguely but he smiled anyways, patting your shoulder, “Yo, keep it up. You are going to slay,” he encouraged and you chuckled at his choice of wording. 

He had always been a promoter for hard work, cheering you on to keep going when you were close to giving up. You admired and simultaneously felt grateful for that trait as it helped you through the toughest exam periods. 

“Thank you, Mark,” you said softly, glancing at him lovingly but quickly averting your eyes, wondering if that had already been too much. Your shoulders slumped slightly. Were you really supposed to tiptoe around your boyfriend like that, thinking over which move was the least loving in order not to make him uncomfortable? 

No, you were not. And yet, you couldn’t let him go. Even if it wasn’t fair for the both of you. 

You failed to notice his face fall slightly. “Hey, is everything alright?” he asked, placing a hand on your shoulder. You flinched slightly in surprise, causing him to raise his eyebrows. Was that probably the first touch he had initiated in a long time? 

“..Um, yeah I’m good,” you said, quickly changing the subject, “And you? How was your day?”

“Oh, it was great. Donghyuck did such a funny move today at practice...,” Mark started off, sitting down on the seat next to you as he rambled about his day as usual. You smiled slightly at his excitement, closing your laptop and resting your head on your hand as you turned to listen to him, using times like these to stare unabashedly at him and engrave his every feature in your mind for the future. 

“...and yeah, it was just dope. You should have seen it, Y/N,” he ended, wiping his eye after another laughing fit he had.

“I wish I had,” you commented lightly, not really meaning it. You were perfectly fine with not seeing them again as bad as it sounded. 

Mark’s smile faded slightly and he cleared his throat, “Actually, the guys have been wondering where you are. They haven’t seen you in a while...,” he trailed off and your heart skipped a beat. They asked about you? Why? Or was he just using it as an excuse because he was wondering himself? “I never noticed before but you have not been around for movie nights and practices in weeks...” Your heart deflated into a pout at his words and you broke the eye contact, looking down at the counter instead. 

“Yeah, I’ve just been busy with...studying and stuff.”

“But...aren’t you graduating in a month?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows. 

“You...know about that?”

“Yeah, Donghyuckie told me.” It just seemed that he was going to keep lifting and dropping your heart tonight. How did Donghyuck remember anyways? You had only briefly mentioned it to the whole group. 

“Yeah, but I might be called into an oral exam if they can’t decide on my grade,” you lied lamely, sighing inwardly when he nodded in acceptance.

The frown didn’t leave his face though and he scratched the back of his head. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to finish college soon anyways?” 

You shrugged, “It’s not a big deal.” 

“Not a big- Y/N, you are graduating!” he exclaimed, “How is that not a big deal?!” You stayed quiet. “Were you just going to accept your scroll without me cheering you on from the crowd?” A smile crept up on your lips, your heart warming at his sweet gesture. Mark was just the nicest guy you had and would ever meet. You could tell he still cared for you even if he didn’t love you anymore. And maybe that was why you held onto him. 

Your ‘boyfriend’ grinned back and you couldn’t resist reaching out to him. He stood up, letting you wrap your arms around him and rest your head against his chest. “Just tell me the date and time and I’ll be there,” he muttered into your hair and you nodded wordlessly, listening to the steady beat of his heart. 

A month passed and you felt like time had almost reverted back to when you both were deeply in love with each other. Mark had seemed to realise how you were drifting away and even though he didn’t understand why, he never forced you to tell him. Instead he was determined to coax you out of your shell, asking you to go out with him to a new restaurant, playing video games until late at night and refusing to let go of you in the morning. 

You tried to guard your heart but couldn’t help but enjoy his attention again and soon you were falling back into his arms, giving in to the urge to clutch onto him like a koala. Especially at the point where you started kissing again. It was the fifth consecutive night you had spent playing Mario Kart together and you were as usual failing to beat him in any round, causing him to whoop after every win. 

“Ahh, I guess it should get boring to win against you all the time,” Mark teased as he wrapped his arms around  you when you eventually refused to play another round, “...but nah! It’s always fun!” he cackled at your sour expression and you had a hard time fighting the smile from your face. 

“Yeah, yeah I got it. You’re the best,” you uttered, playfully rolling your eyes and he squeezed you closer, suddenly causing his face to be inches from yours. Your expression turned somber as you traced all his features with your eyes, poking his dimple. It deepened when he smiled wider, his own dark brown eyes flickering between yours and - your heart fluttered - your lips. 

You stilled when he drew closer, his breath hitting your face, watching his eyes flutter close as he brushed his lips against yours before fully placing them on. You stopped breathing, your eyes closing on their own, relishing in the familiar yet foreign feeling of his mouth on yours, his hand on your jaw, his fingers tracing your skin and you couldn’t stop yourself from drawing him closer by his shirt, deepening the first kiss you had shared in a long time. He let out a low groan, his chest vibrating against your fingers and to your delight you could feel his heart race as you ran your tongue over his lip a-

A phone ringing interrupted your sudden makeout session. You broke your kiss, breathing heavily as you looked up into Mark’s eyes. He looked dazed with his cheeks flushed and hair messed up and you had never found him more beautiful than now. “I think it’s yours,” you huffed and it took him a second to focus before nodded absently, grumbling under his breath. He took his phone out of his pocket, squinting at the screen light. 

“It’s Donghyuck inviting us over to Johnny’s flat,” he said chuckling, “He’s mad that we’ve been neglecting the movie nights.” You smiled, slowly regaining a normal breathing pattern as you straightened yourself up. “Shall we go tonight? They haven’t started, yet.” Freezing, you thought back on Donghyuck’s comments about your relationship and how the embarrassment you felt the last time you were there. 

“Uhh, I’m not really in the mood for a movie,” you excused yourself quickly, faking a yawn, “I’m pretty tired actually. But you go ahead and have fun!” Mark frowned slightly, glancing down at his phone before putting it away, “No, it’s okay. I will go to bed with you.”

You raised your eyebrows in surprise but decided not to comment on it. He trotted after you towards your bedroom and you wondered whether you would continue where you had stopped when you got interrupted, your cheeks flushing slightly. No one could blame you, it had been a while since he had kissed you. 

“You know, you haven’t been hanging out with me and the guys for a while now...,” Mark approached the subject again as you both slipped into bed. 

“Oh really?” you squeaked, cursing yourself for your high pitched voice, “I didn’t notice.”

“Yeah, it’s just they have been wondering what’s up. I told them it’s nothing because...there’s nothing, right?” he asked uncertainly, facing you as you laid on your back. You swallowed down a cough when you found your throat had turned dry.

“No, of course not. I’ve just been busy with graduation coming up and stuff.” Mark nodded in agreement, seeming pleased with the excuse and you bid him goodnight before automatically turning to your side, used to facing away from him now. 

But tonight he shuffled over, wrapping his arm around you as he snuggled into your back. He planted a kiss on your head and your heart melted when he intertwined your fingers together in front of you. 

“I’ll make sure the guys and I attend your big day!” he said, his voice already sleepy and yet he managed to make your heart burst with affection. It meant a lot to you since everyone else had rejected coming - mainly your parents and close friends - due to busy schedules and such. 

You sighed, feeling happy to know you had someone to look at after you accepted your scroll.

-

But you wouldn’t have someone to look at. As you stood waiting in line in front of the stage, waiting for your turn, you wouldn’t have someone to look at. You would constantly glance down at your phone, waiting for a message to explain why he and his friends weren’t there yet.

You would disheartingly go up the stage, shake the principal’s hand with a tight smile, take a picture whilst your eyes would flicker over the crowd in vain until you had to leave the stage with a hanging head. 

‘Something important must have come up,’ you thought, worry clenching your chest, ‘What if he got into an accident?’ You immediately reached for your phone and dialled Mark’s number, growing nervous with each dial tone when he picked up. 

“Hey Y/N, I’m so sorry!” Mark picked up, frantically apologising and you sighed in relief at hearing his voice. 

“It’s okay, Mark,” you said, “Are you alright? You didn’t get into an accident, did you?”

“No no, it’s all good, I’ve just held up at practice.” You nodded. That would have been your second guess. 

“Did you lose track of time again?” you asked good-naturedly, simultaneously hating and feeling fond of this trait.

“Yeah, kind of. It was an emergency,” You nodded again even though he couldn’t see you, “Yeri was crying because she couldn’t keep up with the others. Seriously, I’ve never seen her break down like this before...,” his voice faded into the background for a second as you took in his words, “It took me and the others a full hour to calm her down. Man, she must have been holding it all in for so long...”

“I see,” you whispered, closing your eyes tightly and clenching your hand into a fist. 

“I’m really, really sorry, love, for missing your graduation. I know it’s really important!” Mark apologised again and you distantly heard a chorus of ‘sorry’s from the guys, including Yeri, “I can make it to the after party-”

“No, don’t bother, really,” you said, not able to hide the bitterness in your voice. Someone called your name, asking if you needed a ride. You turned over to one of your fellow students, who had been your roommates before you moved in with Mark, and gave her thumbs up.

“Y/N?” Mark asked, a little apprehension colouring his tone. 

“I’m not going to stay for long anyway. And you should you stay with Yeri-ah,” you muttered, dying to hang up. 

“But-”

“See you,” you ended the call, taking in a few deep breathes to calm yourself. ‘This is your day, Y/N. Don’t let anyone ruin your day,’ you thought sadly. 

-

The party was in full swing, people lingering around in circles with their respective families and friends, chatting up storms with glasses of champagne or wine or whatever they wanted. 

To say you felt like the odd one out was an understatement, being the only one without a single acquaintance around, you were forced to stand with your former roommate’s people, akwardly making conversation with them. 

“Are you alright?” your colleague would whisper-ask you every minute and you would always nod until you couldn’t even lie anymore with the tears brimming in your eyes. 

After an hour you decided to call it a day, realising that you wouldn’t be able to save any joy you had with graduating. Sighing deeply, you watched the puff of air as you walked your way home, finding peace in the silent night with the occasional refreshing breeze. You suddenly felt so tired, tired of pretending, tired of holding on when it was so pointless. 

You knew you had to eventually set Mark free and the time had come now. ‘I will ask him to come over tomorrow,’ you decided, figuring he would stay at Yeri’s or wherever she was to keep her company. To your surprise, you saw him standing in front of your apartment door, an adorably confused expression on his face as he searched his pockets. Knowing him, he had forgotten to take them in the first place. 

His features brightened up when he noticed you walk over, “Y/N, thank Jesus you are here! I probably lost my keys again.” 

“Hey Mark,” you greeted him quietly, slipping your keys into the lock and opening the door without stepping in. 

“Hey jagi...,” he called you gently, noticing your distress and holding onto your arm, “I’m really sorry I missed your day. You know, I wanted to be there so bad..”

“And I actually believe you, Mark,” you said, turning to see him smile his beautiful dimpled smile, “But I don’t think it’s enough...anymore.” You watched his face slowly drop as he registered the words. 

“Wait- what do you mean?” he asked, stepping closer but stopping when you moved back, crossing the threshold to what was once the home for both of you.

“I mean, we should end it here.”

Mark’s eyes widened, shock crossing his features. “W-what? Why??” 

You held up a hand so he wouldn’t get in, closing the door. “Please, just stay over at someone’s else for tonight. I will have my things moved out by tomorrow.”

“Moved out where- Y/N!” he pressed his hand against the wood, preventing any form of barrier between you. By now, you had a hard time keeping your tears in and you just wanted to be out of his sight before he could see them, “ Where the hell are you going? Why are you talking like this?”

“Because you don’t love me anymore, Mark!” you finally shouted out the words that you had kept in your heart, breaking it in the process of finally stepping out of the constant denial. “You don’t love me anymore,” you sighed, this time quieter and more defeated, “I can tell, everyone can tell...and I know you are too nice to break up with me so I’m doing it for you.”

“But I do love you...,” he uttered, his mind racing to find out what made you think that he didn’t in the first place, but the hesitation was clear in his voice. 

You shook your head with a sad smile, “You don’t. So please...just go.” Your voice cracked at the end, freezing him into place and you took the moment to close the door on him, and you relationship. 

A few months later you would see a heavily disguised boy holding onto a hand of a petite, equally disguised girl walking down the streets, into the cafe you would usually find yourself in and you would immediately realise just who they were, causing you to turn your back on your’s and Mark’s favourite place to go on dates.

End...I guess.

Help me Get Coffee Support?

[birdsy-purplefishes]

I have MANY thoughts and feelings about Midsommar.

Okay I saw Midsommar last night and it was an experience. So this post is probably going to be long and rambling and it is definitely 100% for-sure going to contain some spoilers. I’m gonna put a whole lot of it behind a Read More.

First, though, I want to say that while I thought this film was great it is definitely one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I went into it knowing almost nothing--and honestly I wouldn’t have been prepared even if I had read spoilers--and that was the ideal way to see it for me but there are many triggering things and some very problematic things in this film. I’m gonna try to be vague as possible but you might not not to watch this one if anything from the following list is something you can’t handle. That said: I am very easily disturbed by a lot of things and I found that this film was so bizarre that I never really felt like I couldn’t finish it. It’s... kind of weirdly selective about which gruesome stuff it shows and what it doesn’t. The most terrifying things to me were implied things and I didn’t realize them until after it had ended. Somehow... miraculously... this film didn’t come across as gore/torture-p*rn to me. So Trigger Warning / Content Warnings for this movie: Violence, blood, gore, horrible suffering. Sex, nudity. Mental illness and stigmatization/perpetuation of harmful myths about mentally ill people. Suicide. Ableism. Racism. A rape scene that I think most people didn’t even realize was a rape scene because it’s bizarre and left somewhat ambiguous. Emetophobia triggers. Body horror. A whole lot of drugs. Squicky grossout stuff. Emotional, psychological, and religious abuse. 

There’s probably other stuff I forgot. Basically everything horrible is in this movie. It was definitely worth it but it’s a hard watch.

Okay, now for spoilery stuff.

The backstory shown in the first few minutes is incredibly disturbing. Dani’s bipolar sister murders their parents and kills herself. It’s graphic. It’s disturbing. It definitely portrays suicide in a negative light, which is pretty much good, but: can horror movies stop perpetuating myths about mentally ill people?! This stuff is damaging! It makes mentally ill people out to be monsters and then ignorant people treat them worse. It makes mentally ill people feel like there isn’t any hope for them! This part sucked a lot. The only interpretation of this that isn’t awful is the fan theory that there are clues in the background that suggest that the cult may have actually framed Dani’s sister but that’s kind of a stretch. None of the other foreshadowing in the film is as subtle as the supposed hints that the cult fabricated the whole thing so I doubt it.

The foreshadowing is actually super obvious. It’s the typical horror film where the characters have no idea what’s going on & you’re like “DUDE GET OUT OF THERE!” the whole time. People on the subreddit are pointing out all kinds of foreshadowing and even the tapestry at the beginning shows you who all of the characters are and like 90% of the story.

Dani’s boyfriend, Christian, sucks. His friends suck. There’s a lot of macho bullshit and they’re just cold and dismissive. And the boyfriend’s a manipulative little leech. You hate him so much! I found myself hoping that she’d kill them all except maybe the cute friendly Swede. Basically the entire movie he’s gaslighting and dismissing her and his friends talk shit about her constantly. It’s the typical “oh, women are irrational and over sensitive” macho bullshit. Like to the extent that all of them know about the murder-suicide of her entire family but none of them try to fucking shield her from seeing the suicide ritual. Not even the guys who know damn well what it is going into it!

The fact that they’re all anthropology majors and they go into it with a sense of cold detachment and an insistence on cultural relativism (or utter obliviousness) and it makes them total assholes wasn’t lost on me and I’m glad that someone went into detail: https://slate.com/culture/2019/07/midsommar-graduate-students-villains-ari-aster.html 

The bros say something about him dumping her and finding somebody who “actually likes sex” and there’s a lot of interpretations to that, none of which are less than horrible. Like does he try to pressure her into doing stuff she doesn’t want to? Probably! Like whether she has emotional or physical sexual dysfunction isn’t discussed and that’s kind of brilliant because even if she does have issues it’s not her fault at all and the dudes are g a r b a g e for even suggesting it.

The cute friendly Swedish dude (Pelle) who was the only one to be kind to Dani at all was actually the worst manipulator of all! He’s totally luring her in! He’s love-bombing and manipulating her! He literally “draws” her in. He does some forced-teaming shared-trauma bullshit. I gotta say though: I fell for it! I wanted her to dump the guy for him! I’m almost surprised that she didn’t fall for it. I think it’s more due to the fact that she’s traumatized and grieving than anything.

The most disturbing thing about the guy, though, is that I can’t decide if he does all of this because he’s evil or because he’s genuinely a true believer and believes with all his heart that he’s doing good things. That will haunt me forever tbh. Just... always watch out for guys who want to “save” you. They are the scariest fucking abusers.

The whole cult is love-bombing her, actually. The whole film is like Cult Tactics 101. They find a vulnerable young woman who’s lost everything. She doesn’t feel a sense of love and belonging anywhere. She has no support system unless you count her garbage basically-sociopathic-but-aloof boyfriend who really doesn’t count. Pelle hand-selected her because she’s the ideal cult brainwashing candidate. He’s seen firsthand just how much shit she takes from Christian and how she’s constantly falling for his gaslighting and tolerating him mistreating her. I was actually kind of disturbed at how many women I saw online reacting to the cult saying it was empowering or matriarchal. It’s not at all! The first elder we see leading things is female but the ones handling the book and enforcing the rules are men. I can only recall two women elders who do much of anything and they’re both just prominent parts of ceremonies. They’re announcers/performers. They’re definitely complicit but the men are behind the scenes controlling it. And look at the sex ritual! There’s no real emphasis on female pleasure and it’s all being a good little brood mare. It’s a performance. And small babies are kept away from their mothers to be raised communally. They send the mothers away from their babies! Even the May Queen role sucks if you think about it for even a second. The whole “we’re a family” thing is just creepy as hell. There’s even a lot of foreshadowing to it that I missed, like the guy who greets her shaking the mens’ hands but saying “welcome home” to her. Said guy also calls his traditional garb “girly” when Dani compliments it, btw! And of course the division of labor is patriarchal. The clothing is patriarchal too.

The mental health ableism stuff is bad but there’s ableism based on physical disability as well. Arguably it’s supposed to condemn the cult for fetishizing disabled people and promoting incest to deliberately create disabled people but... it still comes across as “look at this deformed kid” and it’s fucked up.

I can’t tell if the movie is trying to show us that the cult is racist or if the movie itself is racist. They kill off the three non-white outsiders pretty quick. Was that classic horror movie “the black guy dies first” bullshit or was that supposed to be like “look, these seemingly peaceful and loving people are xenophobic and racist and there’s a reason why all of them are super duper white despite bringing in outsiders”. Like I came out of the film definitely convinced that it’s no coincidence that the blue-eyed blonde chick gets singled out as special by these people.

It made me really uncomfortable to realize that the sex ritual is technically a rape scene. We get clues that Christian goes into it voluntarily to some extent, sure. When he knows that girl (and she does look like a young girl!) is trying to seduce him we don’t really see his reaction but he doesn’t seem to refuse outright. He seems ambivalent until he's offered the drugs but then he hears that they’ll make him lose his inhibitions, looks at the girl, and gulps the liquid. He saw it as an excuse to get away with cheating and he took it. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s drugged when he actually agrees to the sex. He’s tripping the whole time. He’s being pressured and prodded and even literally physically manipulated. He’s out of it. The girl seems kind of out of it too. It’s really fucked up. But like it’s so weird and you’re so mad at him for everything shitty he’s done to Dani that you’re just like what?! But when you think about the fact that he’s drugged and you see the way he’s horrified after he realizes what he’s done... it’s horrific. He was violated.

I like that we see just how viscerally traumatic it is to be cheated on. Dani vomits, collapses and wails. And our sympathies are with her.

The cultists imitation of their members’ suffering is actually deeply disturbing and a huge aspect of the love-bombing thing, especially for Dani. She goes from being barely held by her expressionless piece-of-shit boyfriend while she wails to having a whole bunch of women replicate and act out her suffering. They do this too at the botched suicide and the final scene. They even kind of do it when she fails to eat the fish. It kind of looks communal and empathetic but it’s a feigned empathy. It’s another way that people in the cult lose their own personal identities. Nothing is yours there! Not even your suffering is yours.

To be honest... I went to see this film ‘cause a lot of the reactions to it were women gleefully enjoying seeing a shitty boyfriend suffer a horrible fate. I’m always down for misandry and cinematography! BUT... this was just excessive. The boyfriend is a total bastard. He did kinda need to die tbh. But he basically gets tortured to death. It’s made pretty explicitly clear that it’s horrific. They make no effort to mercy kill him like they did to the elderly guy whose jump failed to kill him. And like... the actor even gets it. The guy’s a scumbag and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He even backstabs Chidi From The Good Place! But what happened to him is just awful.

The director and the lead actor actually disagree about the ending! Ari Aster says that Dani knows what she’s doing when she condemns Christian to die. Florence Pugh says she’s out of it.

I say it doesn’t actually matter whether Dani chose to kill Christian or not or what her motive was. Honestly it might have been a mercy killing given the state that he was in! Like maybe it was revenge for her and maybe the cult did it to make her feel empowered but it sucks being forced to choose who lives and dies. It sucks that some creepy cultist basically stole her man. It’s the whole “a pedestal is the same as a cage” thing for sure.

Last thing I can think of for now: I’m very surprised and more than a little distressed at all the people--especially women--who see this as a happy ending for Dani. Sure, it’s kind of a dark fairy tale revenge fantasy. But she’s objectively worse off than she is at the beginning of the film! She’s brainwashed and trapped! Like... I forgot where I read this now but basically Aster says that she goes from with one gaslighter to being with an entire cult of gaslighters! What do you think is gonna happen to her in the future?! She’s gonna have to live with her dead boyfriend’s baby that he had with some rando chick if that fertility ritual worked! She’s gonna have to live in a shitty commune. She’s gonna have PTSD 5ever from everything that happened. It’s honestly a tragic and horrible ending.

I’m... still processing this. I know I’m gonna end up adding to this. Feel free to chime in and discuss it with me! This movie was just Intense. BONUS LINKSPAM: Good Takes And Shit!

https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2474518/jordan-peele-says-midsommar-has-the-most-atrociously-disturbing-imagery-hes-ever-seen

https://themuse.jezebel.com/boy-problems-whos-got-em-midsommar-does-1835878652

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/alisonwillmore/midsommar-ari-aster-florence-pugh

https://www.vulture.com/2019/07/the-end-of-midsommar-ari-asters-last-minutes-explained.html

https://www.vulture.com/2019/07/the-end-of-midsommar-ari-asters-last-minutes-explained.html

https://www.npr.org/2019/07/03/738422258/midsommar-shines-a-solstice-nightmare-unfolds-in-broad-daylight

EDIT: Also!!! This film?! Somehow is a comedy! It’s funny as fuck and I’m definitely going to hell for laughing!

[straykidsscribbles]

Slowly, Suddenly, and then All at Once

So, it’s here. The elusive CEO AU has made an appearance, after quite a lot of waiting. I’m so sorry it took so long, and thank you for waiting so patiently. 

See my masterlist for my other work!

Special thanks to @kim-squishmin for proofreading, especially seeing as I have yet to learn the meaning of the word concise.

Word count: 6840

This vlive had such CEO Chan vibes I can’t

You pulled your knees up to your chest, snuggling into the blanket in front of you and the person next to you.

“You lot are way too nosy aren’t you? Well, if you must know, I’ll tell you the story of how we stopped hating each other and became your unofficial parents. But I’m warning you, no interruptions, otherwise the story ends.”

Eight heads nodded at you, and you began your tale. “It all started back when we were in college.”

---

I pulled my bag closer to myself and craned my neck to see through the crowd. I just want to see the test scores, and then I can go home and sleep. Slowly, I managed to get close enough to read the list posted on the classroom door.

Where am I… I scanned the page, going up from the bottom. Not here, no, not even by the tenth score. Wait. Is that my ID? I let out a small gasp, as I saw my ID code at the top of the list.

I’d set the curve for our first midterm. Well, that just means a lot to live up to now.

“Hey, Chan, you almost set the curve for this test. Pity you didn’t make it!” A tall boy with blond hair nudged his friend.

“Yeah, it sucks. But I mean, with the curve and all I still did okay. I wonder which crazy nerd managed such a high score.”

I felt a small needle of rage prick my insides. I had worked hard for that grade, I’d studied for three days, made study guides, and even done about half the practice problems the professor had given out. I had earned that grade through effort. Who was that upstart little twat who thought just because he got beaten by a few points?

“Excuse me.” My voice was as icy as I could make it. “Instead of complaining about people who got better scores than you, maybe you could actually try studying a little harder next time.”

“No one asked you.” The boy sounded defensive. “Unless you’re the one who managed that score? What did you do, live in the library?”

“Fuck. You.” I twisted on my heel and stormed away, feet tapping out an irate staccato on the pavement. He wants to play that game? Fine. I’m never letting him beat me on anything.

Unfortunately, that didn’t exactly work out for me. Bang Chan, as I soon learned, was about as brilliant as I was, and pretty hard working as well. We fought for top class rank, top test scores, valedictorian, you name it.

And if you think I let any of those go easily, well, you don’t know me.

Suffice it to say, Bang Chan and I were enemies. We hated each other, and that would never change. We hated each other through our masters degrees, and then even as we worked our way up the ranks of the same company. That chip on my shoulder would always be there.

I am not one to just give in and lose.

---

This is it! I bet the board will finally tell us who’s going to be the next CEO! I slipped inside the board room and went to my normal seat, throwing the usual glare at Chan, who was seated opposite me. If he ends up as CEO, I think I might quit.

“Alright, Ms. _____, Mr. Bang. We, the board of directors, have finally come to a decision. Seeing as our company has been growing at such an astronomical rate, we have to acknowledge that both of you have brought unprecedented success to this company. In light of that, we will be declaring both of you as joint CEOs of the company, effective immediately.”

My jaw dropped. “I’m sorry, sir, did you just say joint CEOs?”

“Joint? No one has joint CEOs now!” Chan’s indignance was clearly audible.

“Both of you, control yourselves! There are plenty of companies with more than one CEO, just look at Oracle or Samsung! Now then. You will be moving to the offices on the chief executive floor, and you’ll be working together to make this company even more successful. You’re both dismissed!” The board representative was clearly very irritated. Best not push it.

“Yes sir.” The two of us chorused in unison. We then glared at each other as we moved towards the door. Chan got there first, and held it for the board members as they exited the room.

I made it a point to go through the other door. I'm not being petty… okay maybe I sort of am.

Just outside my own office, Chan stopped me with a hand on my elbow. “Wait. Look. If we want this whole thing to work, all we have to do is split up the work between us. That way we don’t have to talk, and any interaction between us can be limited.”

“Fine by me. The less I have to spend with a blundering baboon, the better.”

“Oh like you’re much better with your holier-than-thou attitude and your-”

“Come in then. Let’s get this over with.” I shoved my door open, taking out my remaining frustration on the slab of wood. I sat down in my chair, and Chan loomed behind my shoulder. Pulling out a pad, I began listing duties, and we argued for the next hour over who would be doing what.

Still, I think I came out slightly on the upper hand. I got most of the things I wanted, and Chan has to deal with the lawyers, which is definitely a good thing.

Now all I had to do was do my job so well that I’d get another promotion, and Chan would get demoted to an underling’s position.

Oh, and move offices.

---

“Oh wow, this place looks so much more open without those awful dark curtains!” I exclaimed, balancing the box of files on my hip as I entered the main office area.

“Wait, will we have to share the floor? How long would it take to set up walls in here so I don’t have to see her irritating face all the time?” He’s right. We’d be sharing the huge office space. I mean I get that this would work, with CEOs who actually tolerated each other, but us? No. Thank. You.

“We will not be setting up walls, you’ll just have to work like this. We need to present a united front to any potential investors.” The board executive’s secretary, a bored looking young man, rolled his eyes. “Just have your desks facing away from each other and it’ll work.”

“Fine.” “Fine.”

I dumped the files on one desk, pulling out the chair and flopping onto it. This is going to be exhausting. Why do we have to be joint CEOs?

Chan flopped into the other chair, throwing his legs up on the desk. “You know what. We’re now CEOs, we just got promoted. I am taking the day off to celebrate. Bye Ms. ____, Mr. Kim.” He waved and got up, throwing his suit jacket over one shoulder.

Can he even do that? I wondered as I tucked the last set of files into the cabinet next to my desk. “Have someone finish alphabetizing these. I have personal business I need to attend to as well.” I grabbed my own coat and headed towards the elevator. If he gets the day off, so do I.

---

“Can you believe his nerve? The bastard actually had the nerve to go and just walk out of our office!” I yelled through the phone at my brother, Hyunjin. “He literally walked in, dumped his stuff on the table, and waltzed out the door.”

“And so you just left too?”

“Well yeah, I wasn’t going to stay and do work when he wasn’t. It’s not fair and also as CEO, I now have underlings to do that sort of stuff for me.”

“Don’t come and complain to me then if you end up with all of your stuff misplaced and your papers not organized the way you like them.”

“Hyunjin no one asked you for this kind of slander.”

“It’s not slander you’re the pickiest person ever! You literally alphabetize your bookshelves.”

“IN OTHER NEWS, how is your latest interior design project going?” I rolled my eyes. He has plenty of quirks himself, I don’t need to listen to this.

“Pretty well actually. I found this photographer the other day, and his night photos look so beautiful. They’ll be perfect for the new apartment buildings. He’s actually a photographer for one of the newspapers but he dabbles in artsy photos and so I’m glad I discovered him.” I smiled to myself as I poured myself a cup of tea. Jinnie might be a little crazy and annoying, but I love listening to him talk about his work. It’s nice to see him happy.

Settling into my chair with tea in hand and a stack of books nearby, I left the phone on speaker. Hyunjin would ramble, I would read, and we could enjoy our time together even if we weren’t in the same city. After all, that’s what siblings were for.

---

The next morning, I quickly got ready and headed downtown towards the office buildings. Even the prospect of dealing with Chan could dampen my spirits; a cinnamon roll and coffee for breakfast had already begun the day on a high note. After all, how could a day with cinnamon rolls be sad?

I entered the lobby of the building, heels making sharp clicking noises on the hardwood floor, bag swinging from my fingertips despite its weight. There was something to be said about nice shoes on a good day. They just made things better. I waved to the receptionist and headed towards the elevator, rolling my eyes at the two or three interns huddled in a corner who were giggling at- who else -Chan.

The elevator doors closed, and we slowly headed up, stopping every so often to let other people get off. There were about ten floors to go, and now it was just Chan and me in the elevator. Ugh this is so awkward. Is this how it’s going to be all the time in our office? He’s annoying and a brat but I don’t want work to always be this awkward. Still, I’m not making the first overtures. He started this, he can apologize first.

Then, a loud creak came from outside the elevator. Scrchhhhhhhhhhhhh, went the mechanism pulling us up.

And then, the elevator stopped.

Another slightly ominous creak emanated from right outside the doors, and then- silence. Utter silence.

Chan pressed the buttons on the elevator panel, trying to get the elevator to start working.

Nothing happened.

“Let me see.” I came over to the panel and pressed a few buttons too.

Dead silence.

“Okay, let me try the fire alarm? Maybe the speaker thing works?” He pressed the red button and again, nothing happened.

I took out my phone, only to find a lovely ‘NO SERVICE’ staring up at me from the top of the screen. “I don’t have service, do you?”

“Nope. Wait. Today they had scheduled maintenance for the elevators! We’re stuck here.”

“Why today of all days?” I leaned against one of the walls. And getting stuck with him? Fantastic.

“Great.” Chan rolled his eyes and dropped his laptop bag on the floor before sitting down himself. “This is just wonderful.”

“You’re telling me? Our first day as CEOs and we get stuck in the blasted elevator.” I’m not standing here, in these shoes, for who knows how long. Might as well sit down too. I thumped down next to him, stretching my legs out and crossing my ankles.

“Of all the people really, I had to get stuck with you? Why is my luck always this bad?” Chan seemed to be talking to himself, but I couldn’t let such an insult pass unchallenged.

“Okay, seriously what is your issue?” I snapped, turning to face him. “Literally from the second we met you’ve been nothing but insulting. At best you’ve been passive at times; but you aren’t even civil. Why do you hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you exactly… It’s just…” he looked down. Could I have somehow managed to reduce the irrepressible Bang Chan to speechlessness?

“Just. What.” I demanded flatly.  We’re going to be trapped here for the next few hours, why shouldn’t we get this out of the way now.

“You’re intimidating? And I put my foot in my mouth the first day we met and that was sort of bad. And then you clearly hated me after that so it was just easier to hate you too.” The words came spilling out, seemingly against his will. I’m intimidating? Really?

“Well, I was hurt afterwards, but I should have given you a chance to apologize. And I shouldn’t have been so mean afterwards… Besides you're more intimidating than me! I'm tiny, I don't know how you think I'm scary. I mean- You can’t say I’m blameless in this I’ve been pretty rude to you over the years too.”

“Yeah. I guess we both were hurt and we took it out on each other.”

“Your insults are pretty creative you know Chan. I don’t think anyone else has called me a jellyfish flavored popsicle.”

“I think your best one was ‘I’d rather get stuck in an elevator for four hours than spend another minute in your presence.’”

“That certainly played out well. Way to tempt fate, past me.” I sighed and leaned my head against the wall. “How long do you think we’ll be stuck here?”

“Depends? I mean I heard someone say that it took five hours once, but we’re the CEOs, people should miss us right?” He scratched the back of his head. “It’s been what, five minutes? I’m borreeeedddddddd, _____.”

I think that’s the first time he’s called me by my name without any sort of secondary inflection behind it. It’s… sort of nice actually. He has a nice voice. “Wait, do you have your laptop?” I asked suddenly.

“Yeah? I have it with me. But it won’t last very long, I was working late last night and I forgot to charge it afterwards.”

“Darn. I guess we could share mine then? We could watch a movie or something on Netflix?” I reached over to my bag and slid the thin silver laptop out. “Any preferences?”

“Wow, you’re letting me choose? Really?” His voice was higher pitched when he was excited.

“Don’t get too happy, it’s a one time thing. But yeah, go ahead.” I opened Netflix, moving the cursor to the search bar.

“Actually, could we just watch Daredevil? You have it on your recently watched, what episode are you on?” He leaned closer to me and pointed to the icon.

“Oh, I only just finished the first season. Is that okay?” He nodded, and so we settled in with the laptop in my lap, shoulders just touching.

About two and half episodes later, there was a sudden crank and the elevator started to move upward once more. The doors slid open and our secretaries slowly peered around the edge of the door. Are they trying to see if we killed each other? I wondered. Chan stood up and held out his hand to help me up as well.

“Wait… are they touching? And not in a passive aggressive annoying poking or death by handshake way?” My secretary whispered.

“I think they are… this is so weird. Quick pinch me, maybe I’m just dreaming,” muttered Chan’s secretary.

Chan rolled his eyes and stepped into our office. “Honestly, we weren’t going to kill each other. We just talked for a little while.”

I smirked over at the two gaping secretaries. “When you think about it, we really do have a lot in common you know.” We walked towards our desks, sitting down and beginning our work.

“I think we broke them.” Chan whispered as he wheeled his chair a little closer to me.

“There’s no think about it Chan, we definitely did.” Maybe things will be better now.

I think I’ll quite like being friends with him.

---

“_____, I’m boreeeeeeedddddddddddd.” Chan whined as he rolled his office chair towards my side of the room. He slid next to me and caught sight of my computer screen before I could close the window I had open.

“Wait. Are you playing card games online? Really. Card games? Online? When you have a perfectly good me to play with?” He grabbed my hand and yanked my chair towards him. Pulling out a deck of cards, he quickly dealt for a game of Go Fish.

Which turned into three games. Which turned into five. Which turned into us taking a half day to deal with the stress.

We played Go Fish, War, Rummy, and even attempted a round of online poker… which we lost.

We couldn’t be good at everything after all.

But at the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder why on earth we hadn’t done this before. Why hadn’t we tried to get along before? We could have had years of just messing around together.

Almost as if he could hear my thoughts, Chan spoke as he was shuffling the cards. “I’m glad we decided to make up. Better late than never, right?”

“Yeah. Better late than never.”

---

“You look nice sis!” came Hyunjin’s voice from the phone speaker. I was trying to frantically get ready for the annual corporate party and I had called Hyunjin for some moral support as I prepared. This year would be the first where I would be giving a speech, and I was both excited and terribly nervous.

I adjusted the curls that were falling out of my up-do and fixed my skirt. Company colors… is that too much of an overkill? But they do look nice…. Blue looks good no matter what, and it ‘ll be good to match the branding.

“Okay, I’m ready. I’ll text you when I get back home okay? Don’t stay up too late!” I called into the phone as I reached for my shoes.

“Don’t mind me, I have color palettes to look at anyways. Are we still on for the movie next weekend?”

“Yup! I’ll arrive on Friday night hopefully. Bye!” I hung up, grabbed my purse and keys, and headed out the door. Show time. Better get used to this speaking business, it’s your new lot in life as CEO _____.

The drive passed in a flash, and soon I was pulling up to the hotel doors, where the party was being held. I handed the car keys to the valet and clicked nervously up the steps to the doorway. Breathe, in, out, this is just another party. You’ve done plenty of these, all you have to do differently is speak at this one.

Straightening my spine, I walked in the double doors. Almost immediately I was swept away by one of the board members.

“____, this lovely lady is the head of the regional bank! Mrs. Lee was just telling me how they were considering investing in the company, do you mind giving her more details? I must go find my wife, she wanted to bid on one of the charity auction items.” He walked off, leaving me in the company of an older woman with steel gray hair and a sharp smile. Her eyes were hard but intelligent; clearly, this was a woman who’d worked her way up in the bank as well.

“How can I help you Mrs. Lee?” I asked, turning fully towards her. A new banking partner would be wonderful for the company, especially as we were dealing with a great deal of financial expansion. Let’s hope this works…

As we were talking, I heard soft giggles coming from behind me. There were a few interns, probably here for their first corporate party, standing in the corner and staring openly at Chan, who was talking to an older gentleman with a cane in one hand. I rolled my eyes. Some things never change. Those look like the same idiots that were giggling in the lobby earlier. Honestly why are people such idiots?

I finished up the conversation and handed Mrs. Lee a business card, asking her to stop by my office any time. Now then,  to deal with those imbeciles. They’re ridiculously loud and they are being completely unprofessional.

As I walked over to their corner, I noticed Chan approaching them too, from the other side. Good. If both of us tell them off, they can’t do anything.

“Excuse me, do you three mind? This is a corporate occasion, and you should be acting with a little more decorum than you are currently.” My voice was scathingly cold.

“We were just admiring Mr. Bang. That’s not a crime, is it?” One of them blinked innocently at me, but I was having none of it.

“I don’t care what you were doing. You were all loud enough to be heard a good twenty feet away, and this is not the time for you to be behaving in such an unprofessional manner. You may be young and inexperienced, but that’s no excuse at all.”

Just then, Chan came up behind me, sliding an arm around my waist. What is he doing? We’re barely friends at the moment WHAT DOES HE THINK HE’S PLAYING AT?” I turned to look at him, eyes already narrowed sharply.

“If you all could just please keep it down?” He asked, smiling at them. “You’re being terribly disruptive to everyone here.”

One of the girls, the most brazen of the lot, opened her mouth. “Oh, Mr. Bang, is she your date? You guys are matching.” Fuck he’s wearing company colors too. We had to have the same outfit ideas great this is wonderful.

I was just about to protest, but Chan cut in. “Yes actually, she is. So… if you could excuse us?” He maneuvered me away from them, and shook his head when I turned towards him, ready to ask just what he was playing at.

Behind us, I could just make out the tail end of their conversation. “Well, I wonder if the other CEO is here too? Maybe we could get them to go out with us.”

Chan took me into a side room, and immediately dropped his arm from around my waist. “Okay before you say anything, those interns have been basically following me around for the past three days. They’re all freakishly persistent, and I just needed an out please help me? Please, ____ I’ll buy you expensive chocolate too.”

“You do realize they’ll notice when we’re back at work right?”

“But tonight they’re being especially persistent. They were following me ____. Following me.” He pouted sadly at me, and I figured I had to take pity on him. He looked miserable.

“Okay then. Come on. As it is, we were supposed to sit together for the dinner anyways. Are you speaking before or after me?” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Also, we should probably look into getting them assigned to the mail room or have them sorting through databases or just something mind numbingly boring as punishment for making both of us uncomfortable.”

“I’m speaking right before you. And thank you. Really. I was so sick of them… Hopefully this works.”

We wandered for the next hour or so, making small talk and just generally networking. All the while I could feel my nerves getting worse and worse. I’m going to talk in front of so many people what if I mess up what if I forget what if I just stand there and blank. My mind just kept running a loop of bad scenarios- the worst things that could happen.

Then. Show time.

I slipped into my chair as Chan walked up onto the small raised stage at one end. He spoke for a good five minutes, yet I heard absolutely none of it. See, he’d done a speech last year, as his pet project was one of the main expansions of the company at the time. He had at least some experience.

Oh. He’s waving me up. Okay. Let’s go. I slowly left my seat, focusing on just getting up there and not tripping over any of the speaker cables on the floor.

Five minutes of insane courage. Five minutes. You can do this. I shuffled the index cards I’d hidden in my clutch and gripped them tightly. “Good evening everyone, thank you so much for coming out here. It’s my pleasure to be welcoming you as one of your new CEOs. Chan and I have great plans for the company, and we hope we’ll be able to take the company to new heights.” I steadied myself with another deep breath and continued on, discussing the vision I had for the company and what new ideas we would be trying to implement for the next few years.

All too soon, it was done. I smiled, introduced the board president, and left the stage, tottering back to my seat on wobbly yet satisfied legs.

“You were fine, well done love.” Chan whispered into my ear as I sat down next to him.

“You did well too, thanks Chan. I’m just glad its over and done with.”

It didn’t register until I got home that he’d called me love. And I’d liked it quite a bit.

---

“So. Chan asked you to fake being his date, and called you love, and you matched, however accidentally, and you didn’t collapse after your first speech in front of the whole company. Well done ____ you’re alive!” Hyunjin threw a pillow at me. “Why are you so good at overthinking stuff?”

“Jinnie shut up you’re being mean! It was scary and there were loads of people and you know I’m still not used to it. I guess the only thing that was funny was seeing those interns’ faces when they saw I was the other CEO. One of them actually had his mouth wide open in shock it was glorious.”

“You know what _____ you seem to be enjoying yourself aren't you? And things seem to be better now that you and Chan are getting along.”

“True.” I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “Work is definitely a lot more fun. Last week we actually were both so sick of finance reports that we ended up just playing cards the entire afternoon.”

“Did you win?” Hyunjin’s eyes were wide with humor. “If you lost you better have milked it for all it was worth.”

“I lost a couple games… and maybe Chan owes me expensive chocolate now… maybe. But I'm admitting to nothing.” I smiled into my tea cup.

“Look at you you're actually smiling like an idiot just thinking about him. You know I had no idea I was getting a new brother in law so soon. You're still having me as your man of honor right?” He winked at me cockily, referencing our childhood agreement. As tiny children we had decided that if we ever got married we would be each other's best maid/ man of honor. I should have known that would come back to bite me. Why did he automatically jump to marriage I don't even like him like that. We're friends. That's all. Though… I mean Chan is sort of handsome. And smart. And clever. And he has a great sense of humor.

“Shut up Jinnie I don't like him like that. We are barely friends.”

“Last year you said that if you had to choose between kissing a frog and shaking hands with Chan you'd kiss the frog. And now you're blushing just thinking about him.”

“Drink your tea before I throw it in your face.” Hyunjin just rolled his eyes and got up, picking up a sofa pillow.

“You have three seconds to run before this turns into a pillow war.” His voice was completely deadpan but the grin on his face said otherwise. I just reached for a pillow of my own and attacked back in turn.

Sometimes all you needed was a pillow fight with your brother to get rid of annoying, hallucinatory, and clearly false thoughts about a certain CEO.

That night though, I slept fitfully. All I could picture were chocolatey eyes and dark hair that curled softly in the heat of the banquet hall and a soft voice comforting me.

Okay so maybe Hyunjin wasn't totally wrong. Maybe there is something going on here. It's just a crush though. I'll get over it soon. Bet it'll be gone in a week, I told myself.

---

Two weeks later, I was clearly rethinking said earlier idea. My little crush hadn't abated; in fact it had just gotten stronger. I spent most of my time burying myself in paperwork so that I would be able to avoid Chan’s friendly overtures.  

It wasn���t working.

He. was. just. so. persistent. He brought me coffee one night when we both stayed at the office until 2 am, he wouldn’t stop thanking me the day I got takeout sandwiches for both of us at lunch.

How on earth was anyone to get a grip if there was literally no respite from his charm?

I was in the middle of looking over the latest deal with a new company that was trying to expand into a more international area when Chan’s voice broke into my thoughts.

“Hey, _____, do you like rap?” The question was a bit out of the blue. That’s an… odd question to ask?

“I mean, I do like it I suppose? Why do you ask?” I turned in my swivel chair to face him.

“Well… you see, a couple of my friends and I sometimes have little rap gigs at this one club near by? I was wondering if you’d be interested in coming to watch us perform.” His voice was a little higher than normal, almost as though he was… nervous?

“I- I’d love to come! When is it? Should I bring anything with me?” I hope I don’t sound like some sort of idiotic ditz.

“Our next show is this weekend actually, on Saturday. I’ll text you the address later, yeah?”

I nodded softly, and we both turned back to our desks. But at the back of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about this new information.

Chan raps? Since when? I had no idea! Does he mean this as a date thing? Or is it just a “hi, let’s be friends” thing? I’m overthinking it, he’s just being friendly and trying to get to know me outside of work.

Enough wishful thinking, _____. Get a grip.

---

That Saturday, in the back of the club, Changbin and Jisung were treated to a very interesting spectacle.

The Irrepressible Bang Chan, CB97, CEO of a major company and a respected musician and producer, was pacing their dressing room with one of the worst cases of pre-performance stage fright nerves ever.

Pacing. Wringing his hands. Frowning. Mumbling to himself. Turning right before he hit the wall only to almost trip over a chair and wipe out on the floor.

“Channie-hyung, this is weird. Normally Jisungie is the one freaking out like this?” Changbin raised one eyebrow at Chan. “What’s going on?”

Jisung just smirked happily. “I know why he’s panicking~” he said in a very smug, singsong tone.

“Jisung you will keep your mouth shut if you want me to buy you cheesecake any time in the next week.” Chan’s voice was tight with nerves.

“I’ll buy you cheesecake every day for the next two weeks.”

“Done. Channie-hyung’s flustered because _____ is coming tonight.”

“Ohhh that makes sense don’t worry we’ll put on a great show for your girlfriend!” Changbin waggled his eyebrows at Chan, who just flopped into a chair and thumped his head on the table.

“She’s not my girlfriend, she’s the other CEO at work, and we literally started getting along like a month ago so you can shut it.”

“Wait isn’t she the one you used to complain about to Woojin basically every day when we were in college?”

“You know what Jisung? Your cheesecake privileges and your Jeongin privileges are gone. You aren’t allowed to talk to my son anymore.”

“I thought we were your sons too!”

The room devolved into chaos, and a makeup brush and some cords were thrown back and forth. But somehow Chan’s heart felt a little lighter after his friends’ gentle teasing.

They’d always be there for him. Even if he managed to completely ruin this. Which was looking more and more likely by the second.

---

I slipped inside the club after showing my ID to the bouncer. It looks pretty packed. Oh, yay, corner table! I sat down and ordered Coca Cola, not wanting to risk getting anything strong.

A few minutes passed and I was well settled in, facing the stage.

A spotlight turned on, and three boys stood, clustered in the middle of the stage. Chan stood in the middle, wearing baggy sweats and a t-shirt, his hair tousled lightly. The other two boys were dressed similarly as well.

The music began, and they started whispering amongst themselves. “Hey look over there, she’s pretty!”

“Where? Where?”

“In the gray, over there.” To my surprise, one of the boys next to Chan pointed right at me.

The boy who had pointed looked oddly familiar. Is he one of Hyunjin’s friends? I think he is. He began rapping, sticking to a soft slow rhythm. He had on a flannel and what appeared to be oversized boots with the laces wrapped multiple times around his ankles. His voice was sweet and sort of lazy sounding, like he was trying to lure you in with his words.

The music changed, and all three spoke at once. “Wow, oh man, she’s hot.” I raised both eyebrows, shocked a little at the directness of the song. Well, they certainly weren’t messing around were they?

The first boy continued for a little longer, then the one on the other side of the stage continued. “With a smirk I suddenly enter / I’m sorry sorry you’re already hit on and deflated.” His rap was more nasal sounding and faster, clearly distinct from the first boy’s style. He wore all black and a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes; he held his mic close to his lips with one finger over his lips. “There’s nothing to be envious about” he finished, and they began the chorus again. This time the audience laughed along with them and sang a few of the words with them. Clearly, this was a pretty popular song for them.

Then, Chan started rapping. His voice was softer than the previous boy’s, and it sounded incredibly good. I can’t believe he never said anything about this! He should have mentioned something, he’s amazing. I let the words wash over me, just listening to the music.

Suddenly, his voice broke into my thoughts. “I’m just a nice guy with a lot of money”

My head snapped up, eyes widening. Did he just say he has a lot of money? Who writes these lyrics? Wow Chan I get that you’re a CEO and all, but this is a touch blunt.

His eyes swept over the crowd, meeting mine just as he said “Let me take you to a restaurant.”

I couldn’t stop the blush that erupted across my face.

He kept going, and my blush just got darker and darker. I had to fight the urge to hide my face in my hands. His eyes were locked with mine as he rapped.

I barely heard the end of the song.

As the applause began, the three of them bowed to the crowd.

“Hey guys, we’re 3RACHA! I’m CB97, this is J.One, and this is SpearB.” The other two bowed and waved in turn. “We hope you guys enjoy the show! This next song is called Hoodie Season.”

This time a drum beat opened the song and I could stop myself from nodding along to it. This is really catchy. They’re so good, I wish I’d heard them before!  But are they actually talking about their love for a hoodie? Can’t say I blame them.

The night went on for a while like that. They performed a few more songs and then bowed their way off the stage to thunderous applause and cheering from a few somewhat crazy looking boys in one corner of the club.

I swirled my Coca Cola in its bottle, staring into the brown whirlpool it formed. What on earth did Chan mean by inviting me and then literally staring at me when saying things like “Hey baby I’ll make you my lover / I’m thankful that I’m warm in the fall / I’ll hug you wherever I go.” Is he just going along with the lyrics?

Just then, Chan slid into the chair opposite me. “So. _____. How was it?” To my surprise, he actually looked a little nervous, as though he was unsure of my response.

“You were amazing! I can’t believe you’ve been hiding that skill for so long! You’re a really good rapper and your vocals are so smooth.” I couldn’t stop myself from gushing after seeing the enormous grin that spread across his face as I spoke.

“I’m glad you liked it.”

“How could I not? I’m only sad I didn’t get to hear you sooner. Though you have no idea what you’ve unleashed, now I’ll be asking you to sing all the time at the office.”

“Well, with such a lovely audience, how could I ever refuse?” He winked at me, and I felt my cheeks heating up again.

A small gurgle sounded, and to my surprise, Chan’s ears got a little red as well. “Ah… after a performance we normally get pretty hungry.”

“Well, CB97, how about I take you to a restaurant?” Where is this confidence coming from ABORT ABORT.

“After you then, my lady.” He held out his hand for me and I took it, wrapping my fingers around his.

We stepped outside, a wall of cold air hitting us as we left the warm club. Turning down a couple of sidestreets, we entered a chicken shop that was open late on weekends.

“Order what you want, I said I was treating you!” I mock glared at him as he tried to pull out his wallet. He complained but ordered anyways, and we settled into a booth to eat the chicken happily.

We didn’t speak much while we ate; Chan was clearly quite hungry. After our meal Chan insisted on walking me back home before heading to his apartment.

I invited him in to warm up for a bit before heading back home, and he came in willingly. I made green tea for us both and was just about to turn off the kettle when Chan came into the kitchenette.

“_____, I sort of have a confession to make. I invited you to see our performance because I really wanted to impress you.” He took a deep breath and, forestalling anything I could say in return, spoke. “I like you. A lot. I understand if you don’t really like me in that way, I mean we only just became friends recently, but I would like to be more.”

My mouth dropped open. “You- you actually like me? I thought you were just trying to be friendly this whole time. I like you too Chan, I mean how could I not? You’re really sweet, talented, and I mean… after tonight’s thing I’m not entirely sure I’m worthy of you.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” He moved closer and pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around my waist.

The kettle puffed away behind us, forgotten.

Chan went home that night a little bit giddy. I lay awake in bed going over the night’s events in my head.

Who would have thought after the worst first impression in history we would end up… dating I guess?

---

“And that’s how we got together. Happy now? Curiosity sated?” you asked as you finished your tale, sipping water from the glass in front of you. After that long story, your throat was dry from talking so much.

Chan poked you in the ribs gently. “So you started to fall for me at the party? I was way before you I was crushing on you by the time we were trapped in the elevator together.” He leaned over and hugged you tightly, nuzzling into your neck.

“Ewwwwww! Affection! That’s it, I’m out!” yelled Jeongin and Seungmin as they jumped up from the floor where they had been listening to your story.

You rolled your eyes. They did ask for the story didn’t they? Whatever.

And you snuggled closer into Chan’s arms.

[arawen898]

It shouldn’t be like this!

My interest in a TV show shouldn’t depend on whether the main actors are together or not. So why do I see my interest in Outlander decrease so much if it turns out that Sam/Cait aren’t together and all their interactions have only been for PR purposes and to sell the show? IMO it is all their own fault. I have only been in this fandom since August 2017 but I have catched up and seen interactions between them from the earlier years too. What I have seen is two people who care deeply for each other and have a great relationship whatever that relationship really is. They are always happy in each other’s company and always bring out the best in each other. To think that was all for show breaks my heart and makes me angry. There are ways to promote a show without looking lovey dovey. Did they do it so much that it in the end became unbearable and that’s the reason for IFH? No, for now I don’t believe that. Did Sam/Cait have something going on but then Cait got cold feet and turned to Tony instead? Maybe but right now I won’t believe that either.

If Cait has been with Tony for so long she should have been honest about it from the very beginning and not behave the way she has been doing with Sam. I have yet to see her looking at Tony the way she looks at Sam and I have yet to see Tony look at Cait like he loves her and not look disinterested. Some of you will say “they are saving that for their private life” but they couldn’t even bother to look in love in the pictures from Cait’s friends during their trip to Australia during New Years. That was also when they supposedly just had gotten engaged. Do not come with the excuse that “he is shy” because we know he isn’t and Cait couldn’t look more ridiculous when she said that on the Irish talk show in February.

As a shipper the whole Oz trip is something I just want to erase from my head, we saw a Cait who had become a completely different person, someone who had always been so private about her “boyfriend” and whereabouts suddenly flaunted him to the world and gave info about every location she visited. I couldn’t believe it, this wasn’t the Cait I had gotten to know. Something was fishy and I could smell it from afar. Then there was the IFTA when she forgot to thank the Outlander people for her award, when she said “he’s shy” about Tony when we know he isn’t, when she staged a pap walk in Dublin and finally when she went on a blocking spree. What stood out was that she blocked people that weren’t particularly insulting, they simply questioned her actions and many were fans that had donated to her charity. She made herself look like a liar and a fool. I also felt sorry for her because for being a newly engaged woman she certainly didn’t look very happy, she looked stressed and her eyes were dead. I still look at pictures of her from GG this year and they break my heart. I don’t believe she was sick then, because if you are sick with the flu then you don’t eat a big meal of junk food like she tweeted she did after the gala. 

As for Sam and MM, I don’t believe in that relationship and I probably never will. Simply because he never looks really happy in her company, the difference is HUGE when he is with her compared to when he is with Cait. Then we have to add that they barely see each other, maybe just a couple of days every two or three months or maybe not even that since much of it is only innuendo. I don’t believe that every picture of them is photoshop though. I have made it quite clear that I find the possibility of Sam being gay bigger than him being with MM. But since many of his reactions to Cait don’t mirror the ones of a gay man I don’t think he is gay either, maybe bi at the most. But enough of speculating about Sam’s sexuality. I also don’t believe MM and Cait are friends, most certainly not and we got proof of that at the SDCC 2017. Cait has only recently started to “like” her Twitter posts and only to make the Sam/MM relationship more believable (big fail!) 

If Cait has been with Tony for all these years, why does she keep bantering with Sam the way she does on SM? Some say it is to raise money for their charities and keep up the interest for the show and I am sure that’s right but there is no need to talk about black baws or playing up the sexual innuendo for that. Then she goes liking tweets saying Tony draw the lemon for her. TBH I have no idea if it was him or Sam just like I have no idea if it is Sam’s fist that it is in Cait’s bed because I wasn’t around then. But the way they, and especially Cait, are playing with all sides now is exhausting and doesn’t do them any favors. It only makes them look like manipulators. I believe that they deep inside are good people though.

If Sam/Cait are the real couple here I don’t think it’s only TPTB that wants us to believe they are with others, I think they themselves are in for it too it although we sometimes see Sam slip (Valentine’s Day pancakes, “We are together” etc). Cait is clearly the bigger player in that game (the “engagement”, liking a tweet suggesting the lemon was drawn by Tony, pap walk in Dublin) There is something they (S/C, STARZ, Lionsgate) want to hide, the big question is what and we might never find out.

To me, it would have been easier to accept Cait’s engagement and relationship with Tony if she and Sam had only been honest from the beginning and not behave the way they have done. It would have been easier to accept Cait’s engagement if she actually looked happy with Tony the way she looks with Sam and Tony looked like he was actually into her. It would have been easier if we didn’t notice the small touches we weren’t supposed to see. It would have been easier if it was Tony and not Sam that Rosie Day hoped treated Cait like a queen on her birthday in 2016. It would have been easier if we didn’t have Sam every now and then insinuating that he is with her (despite having a “girlfriend” on the other side of the pond) and Cait then always trying to prove the opposite. It would have been easier if they didn’t stage a Cait/Tony pap walk and a pap walk right in the middle of a city where there are never any paps ever. It would have been easier if we didn’t have Sam grabbing her bum during the Emmy panel photo call. It would have been easier if Sam hadn’t said “We are together” and looking so happy while saying that. It would have been easier if they so often didn’t have matching SM times even when they have time off. It would have been easier if we didn’t see a woman with a haircut VERY similar to Cait’s in the background of Sam’s marathon selfie. It would have been easier if Eddie didn’t look at Sam with heart eyes. It would have been easier if I didn’t feel like Sam/Cait have lied to us all this time through their actions if the engagement is true. 

One last thing: People thinking Sam could be doing drugs really upsets me! He has been doing night shoots, running a marathon with another one coming up, probably hadn’t had enough sleep and now went to NY to attend some party (parties?) with some heavy jetlag. If MM shows up with him soon then well, no wonder he looks the way he does.

Sorry for rambling but I hope at least some of it makes sense.