#This kind of shit keeps me up at night

[charmwasjess]

Whatever you do, don’t think about how happy Sifo-Dyas must have been that last time with Dooku on Serenno. He’d been fired as a Seeker, lost his seat on the Jedi Council, had the worst rounds of visions of his life, and finally, finally, someone is listening to him, someone believes him, someone gets it.

He’s back with his best friend who promised to help him save the galaxy, like the two of them were made to do together. Like they always knew they were going to do.

[hercarisntyours]

[the-sage-libriomancer]

can't stop thinking about Ayame. he's such an outlier to the zodiacs in so many ways:

-the only (adult) zodiac member not living on Sohma grounds.

-the only zodiac member who genuinely likes themselves and actively practices self-love.

-the only zodiac member with a sibling in the zodiac.

-the only zodiac member Akito hasn't harmed either mentally or physically (because she can't stand him lmao).

all of it makes him feel weirdly isolated from the Sohma family's trauma and the story as a whole. he isn't under the Sohmas' thumb. he isn't bogged down by hatred or self-loathing. he's never experienced Akito's wrath the way the other zodiac members have.

and it's fascinating to think about how he must've had a completely different experience from the other zodiacs. when he was growing up, Akito hadn't hurt any of them - Shigure and Kureno both had immunity, Hatori never caused problems, and the rest of them were too young or too obedient. Ayame never hated himself, nor did he ever find himself alone and friendless. he moved far away from the Sohmas, started his own business to make his own money, and hasn't had them breathing down his neck in years. he has, for all intents and purposes, escaped the Sohma family and its mountains of trauma completely unscathed.

and you know. i wonder if that's something else Yuki hates about Ayame. that all of the zodiacs have a horror story about Akito - that Rin got thrown out a window and Hatori lost an eye and even little Kisa was beaten half to death, that Yuki himself had to endure years of intense isolation, psychotic episodes, and literal fucking torture at the hands of Akito -

and Ayame never got hurt.

not even once.

[bredforloyalty]

you know what? i'm posting the fic this week the earlier the better because fuck it + i must be cleansed + come over and shoot me in the head if i don't do it

[eraserheadadult]

i got through my pre op appointment having all this alarming disgusting surgery aftercare stuff explained to me pretty much stone faced but im irrationally afraid about being put under anesthesia when that is literally the easiest part

[ggreeeenheart]

god... work is such a shitshow rn. my company is failing everyone (status quo) and I'm playing the role of atlas (status quo), and what I NEED to do is not give a fuck when they come yelling screaming at me for not doing enough.

the problem is that I fucking care!! i care too goddamned much!! i care that people are getting screwed over and i care that half our shit doesn't work and i care that i've been stuck on a single project for so goddamned long and barely inching along in terms of progress!!! they're going to demand receipts for why I haven't done more, and the simple answer is my adhd!! but when every meeting is my boss trying to wring new excuses or progress reports out of us instead of actually giving a shit about what we do here or why anyone's struggling...

my head hurts. the right thing to do, genuinely, is to tell my boss to shove it up his ass. his company didn't want to hire someone with actual time and talent to play manager, then don't come complaining to me when our whole shop is mismanaged. (that's YOUR job, bucko!!!!!)

but i just care too goddamned much. and when the truth is that the One thing i'm sensitive about is whether or not I can fight my body and mind hard enough to actually get things in my life done...

...this week is going to suck.

[gotta-bail-my-quails]

man i thought i moved out to escape my family but it turns out i've jumped from the pan into the fire because holy shit my guys what the fuck??

[doctorweebmd]

someone pointed out something I did the other day that I didn’t really notice I do and then I was like….. yeah why do I do that and turns out it’s stimming. And apparently I do it. A lot.

[cosmogyros]

Auditory processing issues suck SO HARD. I just spent about 1.5 hours watching the first half hour of a movie on YouTube, because I had so much trouble understanding the dialogue that I kept constantly having to go back and listen again and again and again, look up a transcript of the full film (the transcript contained mistakes, so it wasn't much help), compare and contrast various subtitle files available online, even cup my hands around my ears, etc. Just to figure out what the characters were saying to each other.

And it's not just literally understanding what words they say to each other, oh no. That's only the first step. The next step is figuring out what those characters MEAN when they say certain words. Like when a dude says "You know, I see, like, if we can get successful, it's, like, L-L, man… limos and Learjets," I feel like I'm having a stroke. I have to hit pause and sit there for a sec and ask myself a bunch of questions and do some research online.

Why did he say L-L? Why did he randomly say the initials of the two things he wants? Also, why does he specifically say 'Learjet'? When people dream of having a private jet, don't they normally say 'private jet'? I'd never heard the word Learjet before, so I had to go look it up to try to get more context, but that didn't really help. Is this a music biz reference I don't know? Is this a Canadian reference I don't know? If this happened once or twice during a movie, it would be no problem, but when I'm stopping and going back literally every two minutes, it takes for-fucking-ever to get through the film and my brain is So! Fucking! Exhausted!

I had to stop at about the half-hour mark. I felt like I was about to cry from frustration, so I quit for the night. I'll return to it in a day or two, when I've got a bit more mental energy, and try to work my way through the rest. If I can get through half an hour of film time per day (in an hour or so, however long it takes to get through that much), I can finish the movie in three days of watching. (And this is a movie I really, really WANT to see. I wouldn't waste a moment of my time struggling through it if I didn't care this much about it.)

Anyway. Sometimes when people say they "don't watch movies much", it doesn't necessarily mean they're being elitist snobs or whatever. Sometimes it's just so fucking challenging and exhausting to watch a movie that it leaves me feeling angry at my own body for being a dysfunctional piece of crap. I don't know if this counts as a "disability" and I'm not claiming that label because I don't want to step on any toes, but I have to admit that the mere prospect of watching a film often fills me with dread because it can be so intensely difficult for me (unless I just mentally check out and give up on understanding it completely, which is what I typically do when I'm watching with other people).

[shodansbabygirl]

Pre menstrual psychosis is crazyyyy. And has apparently been happening the whole time.

[milf-harrington]

where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3

[f1owermoon]

sorry i just. need to rant for a second

[heartshattering]

My mom is like "You don't need both the TV and the radio turned on :/" like she doesn't understand that the whole point is that the inside of my head is so loud that the only way to fight the 'inside loudness' is with 'outside loudness' but :') this is fine I'll just keep going insane :') no need to worry about me :')

[dead-core]

eating feels like failure i wish i could fast for days

[feline-evil]

Now we're nearing the end of my move (fucking finally) i can safely say that if i had not had the Song of Salvation on repeat for large stretches of time during this i do not think i would've made it through as well as i have

[the-kipsabian]

i also dont know why i get such overwhelming feelings of stupidity and guilt these days when im blorbo posting. especially if its about kip. it just comes to me every time nowadays and i dont know why