#This is way cheaper than therapy

[dumbpoemjuice]

Mania

So first of all, I know this makes me an idiot, or a fool, for feeling this way at all. For feeling this way about you. For letting these feelings be real, take root in my heart and spread like a plague into my mind, leading in its wake to the most disastrous decaying of any semblance of rational thought.

In that way I suppose it's not much worse or far surpassed by any other inability of mine to act on logic or think with reason.

But in its own way this little thing has become so large, outgrowing my ability to contain it, to keep it bottled in, and now this beautiful thing rears it's ugly head and I still don't know what to feel, how to feel, or what feeling even is anymore.

To call this love would be to laugh in the face of what you are. But to ignore this love is pain, but pain is nothing compared to not knowing what this love is. I know I love you. I know you want to be loved. But what I worry more each passing moment when I don't speak my heart is that my love may never be the right shape, square peg in a round hole, to fill your heart.

But when did this become about you. Your careful tentative sips of an unknown substance and the years that it will take for you to decide. The world always a little too bright and loud, washing out your complexion and drowning out your voice. Weighing down on your fragile mind until it all becomes too much. Your fragmented self put together with parts of these and bits of that, each page in your endless sea of books painstakingly inked and tenderly turned.

But when did this become about you. Just as much I too am made of bits of this and parts of those, though I might face this world a little brighter and louder than you, still my pages are untrimmed, rough around the edges with what I surely save by refusing to discard. My fragile mind has grown a shell, this hollow home to what I know would just as soon be squished without. But now I am a shell, just a home because no longer is it clear to what I call this home.

This is agape, but no, because to me you are worth more. This is philia, but to claim such a grand and consuming thing would come so easily could never be all the truth. So then this is Eros, the antithesis to Aros though, so then I have no choice but to accept the truth. This is Mania. All-consuming love.

[lets-go-hurt-someone]

Am I the only one who actually prefers the Araj confession from Astarion? I see so many people wax poetic about the “nice, simple plan” scene and how much better it is that I want to wax poetic a little about my favourite.

The first time I played BG3, I didn’t know anything about Astarion’s background and I thought he was a jerk. When I first ran into Araj at Moonrise, I was surprised that he wasn’t interested in biting her, but he gave his reasons and I was like, damn, okay, that sucks but I’m not gonna force him to do anything. He said no, so it’s a no. Then I moved on, and genuinely thought nothing of it.

When he hit me with the Araj confession at camp, when he explained how he felt in front of her and how easy it would have been to just grin and bear it and do as he was told, I started crying. Sometimes I struggle to even put into words the emotions it brought up — not the smallest of which was the realisation that I had had more respect for this video game character that I didn’t even like at the time than a lot of people had ever had for me, a real fucking human being.

So I love absolutely everything about that scene, from the writing to the performance to all the different ways it can play out. I know the other confession is more cute and sweet and romantic, but the Araj one held up a mirror to me and genuinely made me confront myself and change how I approach intimacy. Which is kind of an embarrassing thing to say about a video game romance scene but here I am saying it.

Because if this fucking rude ass pixel boy (affectionate) can learn to be honest about his needs and limits and have them respected, then so can I, goddamnit. And that will always be so much more profound to me than a nice, simple plan that fell apart.

[invinciblerodent]

himh I'll make a Dark Urge that's so fucking scared

big scary bloodsoaked killer, tearing through armies with her literal bare hands? nah. a quiet, scared girl who doesn't understand why she does what she does, why she can do what she can, but is, at the same time, deeply disgusted by herself because she has just enough self-awareness to know to be repulsed.

maybe it's because I'm a tiny bit obsessed with clinging to the thought that people, at the end of the day, are fundamentally good, no matter what. that there is a fundamental human goodness in all people that makes them worthy of redemption, or at least of the opportunity for atonement.

maybe the way I want to play a story like that is with someone who, stripped from indoctrination and free for the first time to think for herself and embrace and be who she is, finds that in the deepest, most hidden pits of her soul, she is not the strong, kind, resilient person she might want to be. try as the might, she is not someone who can bear the weight of her own past, she's just a... a terrified, broken little girl, cowering in the shadows and unable to look herself in the eye. (which also gives me ideas for her relationship with Orin but that's a little bit beside the point)

cathartic self-insert who. therapy? what is that. is it on Steam or Epic.

[ineffectualdemon]

Sometimes you can't say something nice to yourself or face a personal revelation head on so you make fictional characters say and experience those things for you

[rivilu]

Everyone's on about Miguel beefing with a 15 yo, which sure it's funny, but y'all are letting the Spot, "I now declare this child that MY INVENTION inflicted this anomalous occurrence on, my lifelong nemesis", the ULTIMATE beef haver, to go unchecked.

[decaflondonfog]

day 15/30 of 30 microfics in 30 days

eeeeee i am actually writing renee pov for something with a… ummm… completely different mood to this LMAO (it’s porn) so yeah. this was a fun exercise!!!!

RENEE WALKER • CONSTANT for @moondal514

[yesloulou]

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[cupcakeb]

let's let things come out of the woodwork // CH 1 // AO3 Leighton/Tatum┃2.6k┃Ch 1 of ?

Sometimes Leighton misses her girlfriend so much it’s making her a little crazy, and she wants to break every tennis racket in the universe whenever she’s feeling particularly lonely.

She just hates that they spend so much time apart. They haven’t seen each other in over three weeks. And yeah, she gets that this is what she signed up for when she started dating Tatum, but it sucks anyway.

  OR: Leighton, Tatum, tennis (?) and a long awaited reunion. (Just go with it.)

[onceuponaroast]

Not to sound like an overdramatic sadboi but. I think. It would be nice to be someone's first choice. Just once I would like to be a priority, for someone to specifically choose me. I think that would feel really good.

[seroquelpussy]

Found out my roommate has been telling her church about my entire personal life when I reluctantly agreed to go to dinner and it turned into a 4 hour conversion dinner and the woman happened to preach about hyper specific scenarios that matched my entire life story and upon asking my roommate about it she deflected by calling our neighbor a prophet....

I could not fucking figure out why the neighbor started randomly texting me scripture and I was like this is really fucking weird why is she texting me about this and how does she know about it and my roommate was like she's just trying to be nice...

[note-a-bear]

The only downside of casually dating rn is that clicking so thoroughly with one person has set a kinda high bar for everything else.

And like. I'm not particularly practiced with compartmentalizing, but I have noticed already that it's kinda easy to sift people into different places based on the vibes between us.

Like the group I'm playing with on Saturday is fun, and I'm into them all, but I also don't feel the same level of magnetic pull that I've felt with the main person and even the one I saw last night. And the person I saw last night is very cute, and I'd like to make out with them, but I'm kinda realizing they remind me of my ex and I'm not sure how or if that's a neutral/okay thing.

I don't think it's a bad thing, but it might be a fatal turn off.

[the-skin-inthe-bath-is-mine]

I've gotten into the habit of making granny squares in fives and need to follow through in fives which is usually okay except these roses take almost an hour each to make and I've gotten ten done so far

[koalchicine]

please, make them all go away

[herethebirdsjourneyends]

.

[worrywrite]

Whoever it was that engrained the need to defend myself preemptively for declining to do something that is totally optional deserves to be cask of amontillado'd.

Because, really, it's the fumbling around for an hour to formulate a polite declination that gets me messed up. Just saying "sorry I can't/don't want to do that" is easier situationally and easier on my wretched little emotional brain. You don't need to know why I chose what I did and I shouldn't have to apologize for it.

[bluismie]

buying an SS9 MNL concert ticket was not on my 2022 bingo card