#This is the first time I've ordered something by myself

[viktortittiforov]

FYI, this is very similar to what you have to undergo in the czech republic in order to access medical and legal transition, and until this year(!) trans people living in CZ were also legally required to get medically castrated ("sterilized") in order to change their gender marker. the country kept that condition even after the european court of human rights ruled that it is a human rights violation, and only scrapped it this year after a czech trans man went to the czech constitutional court with it (i am not naming him because afaik his name is unknown to the public, i think he wanted it that way but am not sure).

as a czech nonbinary person currently trying to access medical transition and to change my legal name to a gender neutral one free of charge, i can confirm it's fucking hell. the humiliating, irrelevant, unscientific, pathologizing side of it is already well-described above, but i wanted to talk more also about the more practical difficulties. those obviously differ between CZ and UK and my experience is within CZ, but i think it may help you get an idea of what a person having to go through such a process really has to undergo, because even though i've known i'm nonbinary for 10 years and have been out as trans and nonbinary + well-informed about the state of czech trans healthcare + a part of the czechoslovak* trans community for about 6 of those years, it was not until i actually experienced this process for myself that i fully understood what an Ordeal it is. and i have (or have had) very close friends who i have seen going through it in real time.

buckle up. this will be long.

(and sorry to OP if i'm hijacking your post. i'm sharing the CZ context in order to also further illustrate the UK one, because i believe they are similar, not to derail the convo in favour of CZ. my intent is for people to better understand what trans people in certain countries have to deal with + for people to know that having access to free trans healthcare is really not all sparkles and rainbows (even as it is still a privilege that many trans people all over the world don't have).

we don't have GICs in CZ. so, in order to even get hormones, you have to:

go to a sexologist. sexologists are the main gatekeepers of medical transition in CZ and yes, it is very bizarre and based on some really old notions of what branch of medicine transness falls under. i also really do mean the word gatekeepers, not just because you have to go to them but because they really do gatekeep something severe. the majority of them are very cis- and hetero-normative (and also sexist), enforce normative gender expectations, see transness as a pathology (though what kind of pathology varies from sexologist to sexologist, some lean more towards sexual deviance, others towards mental illnese, etc), are suspicious of trans people not wanting (certain or any) medical interventions, and do not recognize nonbinary people as being "real"/valid/whatever word you want to use. there are literally 3 (three) sexologists in the country who are widely known in the czechoslovak trans community as being mostly OK (=not the things just listed or at least not as much as all the other sexologists). when i was starting my journey towards HRT (at least a year and a half ago now i think, probably closer to two years), i first contacted the 2 (out of those 3) which are closer to me; none of the "OK ones" are based in the city i live, and i live in the 2nd largest city in CZ. neither of them was accepting new "patients"* for the foreseeable future. luckily the third one was accepting new people, but he is basically on the other side of the country from me, so about 4–5 hours away by train or bus (=an 8hr roundtrip). this is annoying, exhausting, and expensive, as i've had to go see him at least 3 times by now and i still have not gotten a fucking testosterone prescription from him.

it's not easy to get the average sexologist to take you seriously. the three "OK ones" are significantly less gatekeepy and distrustful, but you usually have to do some convincing there, too. that includes dressing the "right" way, giving the "right" answers, having the "right" expectations of transition, etc. you learn what's "right" from the wider trans community and what's "right" is very, very, very normative. for most czech sexologists, you really for real have to prove not only that you're "trans enough"*, but also that once you transition, your current "pathological trans self" will become "normal" enough, gender conforming enough that you will cease being a treat or a disruption to the prevailing social gender order. it's literally designed to be a normalizing process. i have an MA in sociology with a focus on gender studies and for one of my uni essays i conducted a critical discourse analysis of the most prominent czech book about transness penned by czech sexologists, so i think i'm qualified to say this. the whole thing is very foucauldian but let's not get too philosophical here (i will happily tell you more if you ask me though).

if you're lucky and the sexologist believes you may indeed be trans (because of course they have to believe you and of course they're the ones who decide what the truth is), they will (eventually; usually you need several sessions for them to "be sure" or whatever) give you a referral to 3–4 other specialists: a psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist, an endocrinologist and an internal medicine physician. from each of these, you have to get a report for your sexologist.

from the clinical psychologist, they need a report confirming that you are indeed trans (they give you the official diagnosis) and that you don't have any other conditions which you might be confusing for transness, e.g. schizophrenia, psychosis, etc. you don't need me to tell you how fucked this is for e.g. schizophrenic trans people. it's not always a certain no-go for them, but they will have an even more difficult time accessing medical transition.

from the psychiatrist, they need a report confirming you are lucid and don't have any conditions which are potential contraindications to HRT and/or surgery. this can be the conditions already listed above, but also conditions like intense and unmanaged depression and/or anxiety, which might worsen at the start of you taking hormones. i know this because i have depression and anxiety and my sexologist wants to be sure i am stable enough to go on HRT before he gives me the goddamn prescription. this seems like it makes sense on the surface, but it also... completely disregards the fact that a) anxiety, depression and similar conditions will often be improved by HRT in the long run because yknow, less bad gender feels, and b) depression medication also tends to first make your symptoms worse before it makes them better, and no one makes such a fuss about it.

from the endocrinologist, you need a report confirming that you don't have any hormonal conditions which might be contraindicative to HRT, i.e. which make it so that long-term (often lifelong) HRT would be risky/dangerous for you. it's not like there has to be zero risk or danger and many conditions are (i think) just potential, not absolute contraindications, but yeah. this is about the only examination/report that i think is justified and good and makes sense, but it still kind of sucks because at least in CZ, there is not nearly enough endocrinologists to effectively cover demand/need, much less endocrinologists with a good understanding of trans healthcare, and for some reason many are notoriously judgmental cunts eager to insult and belittle people, apparently. more on this later.

finally, from the internist, you need a report confirming basically the same thing as the endocrinology examination, but for conditions pertaining to internal organs and the effect HRT may have on them. this also makes sense and it is also not always needed if there's no reason to suspect (e.g. from your family's medical history) that you have any such conditions. however, it's shitty because for many people trying to access transition this is the first time they get referred to an internist, and a medical condition might suddenly be discovered which complicates their access to HRT. it's obviously good that the condition is now known, but it's shitty when it's so unexpected. my ex-gf (a trans woman), for example, found out she has a condition that makes it more likely she will get blood clots, which sucks because HRT increases your chance of getting blood clots (if i remember correctly). she is now on HRT, but had to wait a lot longer because several subsequent tests needed to be done, and she initially thought this last examination would just be a formality. (this problem with unexpectedness also applies to the results of the endocrinology exam, of course. but this is a wider problem of doctors being unwilling to sign off on preventive examinations...)

if you already go to one or some of these regularly, the sexologist will give you a paper requesting these medical reports instead of a referral. this is lucky, because usually all of these specialists are as difficult to access as the sexologists, or even more so, and if you already visit one you will be spared some waiting time. but it's unlucky if the person you go to is very uninformed about trans stuff and also uncooperative (i am experiencing this with my psychiatrist).

if you have any other chronic health conditions, you will need to also check whether those aren't contraindications. for example, i have some chronic eye issues so i have to get a report from my ophthalmologist, which is going to be fucking difficult because i bet they have no idea how eye conditions interact with HRT and they will most likely be unwilling to research it (even though that's literally their job). it is necessary, i get it, but it fucking sucks that i have to be the one "negotiating" with them about getting this report, said negotiating being tragically close to begging sometimes. czech doctors, and i think doctors in general, sadly often have little respect for their "patients" and believe they always know better, which makes it difficult to get them to do what you need them to do (as i'm sure many are aware).

most of these other specialists, at least in CZ, are similar to the sexologists or even worse, i.e. not only will you usually have to wait months for an appointment (if they even agree to offering you one and don't just tell you to try elsewhere), but they are uninformed about trans healthcare and uninformed about how to respectfully treat trans people, or even straight up transphobic, sexist, queerphobic, etc. perhaps because of this they are often uncooperative and unwilling (more than usual). there are exceptions and when you are nonbinary, you either have to seek those out or lie (=say you're binary trans), but obviously you can only lie to some of the specialists or it'll turn up in the reports and your sexologist is gonna read it and grill you about why you lied (if you go to an enby friendly sexologist and they know you are nonbinary, ofc. if they don't know either, then you can lie to everyone, but that can be stressful obviously). also even the specialists who aren't actively hostile will most likely misgender you if you don't pass, and sometimes even if you do; i've heard of endocrinologists who refuse to respect pronouns until the person has been sterilized and had their gender marker officially changed. apparently until it's legally sanctioned, it's not real, or i don't know.

in case of the sexologist and endocrinologist you will need to keep seeing them long-term so they can keep an eye on your health and well... on you generally, ig. the visits will be less frequent and shorter the longer you take hormones, i am led to believe, but yeah. and this is also good, i think (despite the aspect of being monitored to some extent), but it means your choice of sexologist and endocrinologst has to be strategic and you can't just say you will just go to that notoriously shitty guy near where you live because it's convenient and he can offer you an appointment relatively soon, unless you want to go through the ordeal of finding a new endocrinologist again immediately after your first appointment with that shitty guy.

all of this sucks, the doctors give you reports and requests and referrals but they don't know what the other doctors want, they are not satisfied with the reports (the extensiveness of them or the content itself), they say they can't help you. it's exhausting. apparently they can't just write or call each other to figure it out. you need to do all of that yourself.

that's the ordeal you have to go through just to get HRT. if you want surgery, in CZ you usually have to literally go sit in front of a panel of "experts" so they can grill you on your transition so far, what surgeries you want or don't want and why, what your expectations are, etc. yes, again. and these "experts" change somewhat for each hearing, and they usually know jack shit about transness or trans healthcare. from what i've heard they're very conservative. there's ways to get around this totally meaningless interrogation and afaik most people get the panel's approval and are only in that room for a short while, it's apparently very surface level unless you give them a reason to doubt your transness. but people have to wait months for their hearing. it's a further test of patience.

this is the route you have to go if you want to transition free of charge. i think it's great that CZ has universal healthcare, but universal healthcare comes with a lot of gatekeeping and hangups and problems, bcs the country wants to make sure you are only getting a given treatment if you really need it; and of course, the doctors are the judges of that. also, at least so far, free transition that falls under universal healthcare is predicated on transness being defined in the ICD (international classification of diseases) as a medical problem. it has to be pathologized and medicalized in order for it to be free. it doesn't have to be that way, but right now, it is that way, and it sucks. pathologization plays a huge role in making transness non-threatening to the social order.

oh, and if you're rich and able + willing to pay for transition? in CZ, you can get fucked. afaik, private, self-funded transition isn't really available or perhaps even legal. i might be wrong, and i do personally know one transmasc person who paid for their own top surgery and had it done at a private clinic, but they still faced a TON of unwillingness because the clinic was really worried about being sued. if you have the money (or were able to get it via donations), you will most likely need to go abroad, and if you're planning on returning to CZ after, you will almost certainly have difficulty getting legal recognition (shall you seek it).

whether legal recognition is desirable or necessary is a whole different discussion, of course. i don't want to get into it in this already ridiculously long post, but i wanted to at least acknowledge that legal recognition is by no means neutral and/or unproblematic.

if you managed to read all the way to the end, i salute you. you must be tired. go eat an apple or something.

*czechoslovakia stopped existing over 30 years ago but CZ and SK people still largely intermingle and many slovak people migrate to CZ. i am specifying this because annoyingly enough, many people on this US-centric site still do not know czechoslovakia is no longer a thing, so in case my addition gets some attention, i want this to be clear. please do not talk in the tags about how this is your first time hearing about this. i most likely will not see it since i am not OP but i have seen it happen a lot in posts about CZ and/or SK and it's really not funny or quirky that you didn't know. it's quite insulting, actually. if you want to share the fact that this is new info to you, share it instead with your friends who also may not know, so that they learn. thanks. (yes i'm bitter)

*the term patient implies a hierarchy & is pathologizing = is far from neutral; putting it in quotes to disrupt its seeming neutrality.

*trans enough = see transnormativity; link leads to an open-access academic article introducing this concept but you can definitely find simpler explanations online if you're not familiar with it.

What in the academic fuck is a GIC assesment

A GIC assessment (Gender Identity Clinic) assessment is the psychiatric interrogation you have to go through in Britain if you want permission to medically transition (and some aspects of legal transition too). Also called a Gender Dysphoria Assessment.

It involves answering a bunch of medically irrelevant, repetitive, deeply humiliating, repetitive questions like how you masturbate, what you wear when you masturbate, your sexual history, your childhood history, what toys you played with as a child, your employment, the clothes you like to wear, your relationship with your partners and family, etc. The classic is "Do you imagine yourself as a woman when you masturbate?" It also involves various psychiatric tests to check whether you're psychotic, which are deeply stigmatising. You will likely have to suffer this interrogation more than once if you want certain medical and legal doors to open. If you do not answer these questions "correctly" you may be refused transition.

If you want to get it for free, you'll need to wait several years, possibly decades depending on where you live, to be admitted to a Gender Identity Clinic.

If you want to go private, it will cost you about £500 a go, maybe more. (It's not technically a GIC Assessment unless it takes place at an NHS GIC; otherwise it's just sparkling humiliation.)

At the end of your interrogation you will - if you answered correctly - be diagnosed with "gender dysphoria." There is no way for them to check whether the answers you gave were truthful or whether you just told them what they want to hear. In Britain, about a third of trans people surveyed said they lied or withheld information during these assessments. There was no way for the 2015 American Psychiatric Association Working Group on gender dysphoria - the cis people who created the diagnosis* - to know that the interview data they based it on wasn't also full of people telling doctors what they wanted to hear! The unreliability of that data, some researchers have said, calls into serious question the use and sense of the diagnosis! * Fun fact: Ray Blanchard and Kenneth Zucker were both on that working group!

The NHS spends somewhere between 20 and 90 million pounds a year (depending on how you count it) on doing this.

Contrast that process to, say, the treatment pathway for menopause, where a cis woman who wants hormone replacement therapy can just get it from her family doctor 🙃

If you'd like to know more about this, I spoke about it here in more detail with citations

And wrote about it here

[jellyskink]

The Tooth And The Following Headache. (A cringey crackship)

"Alright Pines, you're good to go now. You remember where the exit is yeah?"

(Geez, the more I see this guy the MORE I find myself needin' to buy another pack of cold ones for the week.)

The day was about as fun as you'd expect it to be with "him" around. I was just about to have a good day too, of course things would go wrong as soon as I was about to relax and finish up work.

Ford Pines had his monthly appointment with me today, an appointment that I was booked with because of Oleander's meddling probably.

"Yes Dr.Ibis, I remember. H-How is everything looking if I may ask?"

(Horrible, if I was presented this during dental school I'd probably have thought it was the BEFORE photo, not AFTER.)

"Eh, I've seen worse. But you're doin' better than last time."

(That was a lie and a truth both in the correct order. Geez what HAS this freak been doing? The first time I saw him I was surprised he hadn't kicked the bucket or passed out at the very least from what problems he was dealing with. It was almost like I was checking off everything in the book on what was wrong with this guy. I mean, damn if I didn't know better I'd assume this guy was eating glass for fun or something.)

"R-really? Oh my Muse will be so pleased! The care you and Dr. Oleander have been providing me has been astronomically wonderful! My muse certainly knows how to find the best people to introduce me to!"

(Ugh, here we go again. "My muse" this, "my muse" that. I wish he'd can it about that damn triangle, the problems that kindergartner art project looking thing have been causing have been one of my biggest headache bringers to date.)

"Yep, he sure does. Now can we get along to the part where we just schedule your next appointment? I'm a very busy man you know, patients to see and all that."

"Of course! I'll need to run it by my Muse before it's finalized, but I can certainly get the word to him!"

"Sure thing bud."

(Thank god, this is going quicker than I thought. I really hate having this guy ruin the mood in my office with his... everything. What did Irene even see in this guy? This wacko clearly didn't have a personality besides being a sad clingy puppy dog whose entire being was dedicated to his "Muse".)

(Irene was pretty secretive about certain things regarding that guy whenever we ended up talking over the phone or the occasional coffee. Which for a normal doctor that'd be expected, patient confidentiality and all that. But Irene crossed that line long ago as soon as she took him on as one of her patients.)

(The guy wasn't extremely interesting to my knowledge outside of his extra fingers. If anything he was boring or weird, sometimes both at the same time. The guy wasn't particularly charming, he did LOOK handsome, and OCCASIONALLY wasn't the worst to be around, but geez I hated everything else about the guy.)

"Ah Dr.Ibis before I forget, I have something for you."

(OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN.)

Before I even had a chance to react any further, Mr.Triangle lover quickly reached into his bag and pulled out something small with reddish-brown fur and held it out to me.

(What even is that? Is that a hamster? No, it was a vole. He brought me a freaking vole. It wasn't even alive. And he was holding it out to me with that stupid smile of his.)

I don't know what came over me, but the next thing I knew I slapped the dead rodent out of his six fingered hand. As it smacked the ground, I saw my patient flinch and begin to step back from me.

"GET YOUR DAMN ROADKILL AWAY FROM ME!"

"I-I'm sorry for upsetting you Dr.Ibis, I only wanted to-"

"What? I don't want to hear about how your "Muse" gave you dead rats as gifts again! It's disgusting! I can't stand dead animals! I don't want you to act like your dramn crazy mu-"

I wasn't even able to finish the sentence before I felt myself getting pushed against the wall with enough force to knock the wind out of me. I winced from the surprise as I began to process what happened.

It was that... that... Six fingered psycho!

(What the hell!? What is he doing??)

I was always kinda worried about this guy being the reason why someone ended up hurt, I never expected him to be the literal reason for it!

"DR. IBIS."

An unexpected tone shift from what I was used to from the guy, his voice was now booming and gruff.

(OKAY I'M REALLLY NOT USED TO HIM BEING SO LOUD OR AGGRESSIVE.)

"PLEASE... WATCH WHAT YOU SAY... ABOUT MY MUSE..." His tone lowered into a raspy hiss as the words fell from his mouth.

I really wanted to respond to him, to fight back, SOMETHING. And yet I found myself frozen with fear.

The next thing I know, I felt a rough, trembling hand tilt my head up. My field of vision focusing on the unhinged man in front of me.

"BAD THINGS... HAPPEN TO THOSE W-WHO UPSET HIM..."

(I-is he? Crying? What the hell?? Why is HE the one that's upset here? He was the one who flipped out on me!)

I didn't have much time to process everything as he moved away from me. I heard a loud crunch from the side of me as he did.

(THE HELL?? Did he break something??)

I glanced to the side of me instinctively, there was a hole in the hall next to me.

(Okkkaaay. Well it definitely wasn't the first time the office drywall got punched or broken. Whether that was ever by me at times was something that was a secret I wasn't going to tell any higher ups anytime soon.)

"Hey... Mr.Pines?"

"..."

The guy slowly walked over to the wall at the opposite side of the room, a blank stare on his face, a crimson fluid leaking from one hand onto the floor as he held it to his side, while his other hand clutched his creepy locket to his heart.

Before I could continue speaking, he began whisper to himself while facing the wall.

"i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry."

His head banging against the wall with eerie tempo as he spoke in a whispered voice, his tone now monotone.

"Mr.Pines??"

(What the hell? I knew this guy was probably insane but this was taking it a whole new level!)

"I'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRY."

The horrid tempo was now picking up speed.

"STANDFORD STOP IT!"

"..."

(He finally responded?)

The room was eerily silent as I tried to process what had even happened. After what felt like an eternity of sitting in awkward silence, the unhinged man I was watching turned around to face me again.

"U-um Dr.Ibis? Forgive me, I spaced out while we were about to finish our conversation earlier. W-what were we speaking about?"

A pretty nasty bruise was now starting to form on his forehead.

(THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT??? WTF WAS THAT???)

I did my best to collect myself. I vaguely some of the info Oleander shared with me about her patient. I think she mentioned how he had certain traumatic triggers or something?? Damnit now I wish I had paid better attention to her phone call that day as she yammered on.

"It... wasn't important. Just...if you're going to leave me dead animals, do ya mind if perhaps you wrap them up before handing me them or something?"

"I-it isn't traditional I suppose, b-but I'll check in with my muse if I could be given grace to do that sort of thing. Forgive me, I don't mean to screw up showing my thanks to you..."

(Geez and now we're back to another episode of watching the saddest man ever. Ick, Oleander I swear you owe me big time for all these bones I'm throwing your patient.)

"Listen I appreciate it, in a way... I just prefer.... live animals? And I don't like rodents very much."

"I-I see... well I can't promise my muse will be happy with any changes, but I'll keep note of that."

"Listen Stan-"

"StanFORD."

"Stanford. Why don't we just pretend today didn't happen? I'm pretty tired today, and it looks like you could use some rest too."

"I... suppose my muse might not mind that. I don't think I can rest, but I know what you mean."

"Thank you Stanford. Now... why don't I drive you over to Oleander's office for a sec? I think she needed to see you for a second."

(Pleasedon'tputupafightohgodIdon'twantyoudyinginmyofficeIdon'twanttodealwiththepaperworkoranyotheraxhahstingproblemsthat'dcomefromthathappening!!)

"I-I suppose it wouldn't be too much trouble as long as we don't take TOO long. My muse seems to trust some of her judgement a lot..."

"Yeahh... well I'm just going to close up shop now.

"Of course Dr.Ibis."

(Irene I swear to god you owe me big time on top of a LONG conversation about what's the plan for your patient in the long term. If I'm going to be dragged along with you on your quest to be the queen of bleeding hearts I don't want to end up sinking with you.

Geez I need a drink after this, guess I'll be needing to buy TWO packs of cold ones from the store after this "fun" work day.)

Unfortunately for future me, one of the new "gifts" I'd start to get from Standford FREAKING Pines were eyebats. Live ones. And they were just as annoying as him. Easier to get rid of though...

(AHH I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS. I thought I'd gve it a go with writing in a more first person style when it came to a Dr.Ibis focused fic.

Yes I was possessed by a 14 year old girl harnessessing wattpad, ao3, and tiktok as I wrote this, but the idea of these two having a genuine friendship/relationship sounds hilarious to me.

I hope you liked my attempts at channeling Yusuf energy! Unfortunately he does have the tsundere curse a bit because this is a enemies to lovers kind of fic lmaoo. Hopefully the Ford energy wasn't the worst either??

I totally loved your fic other anon fanfic writer! With Jellyskink's permission we should definitely team up and write many cringey and wonderful fanfictions for this au!

Speaking of which, I'm glad once again people liked my silly little Oleander and Calamari fic! The little trickster kitty is now one of my favorite things about the au!

I love that Calamari was in the cat show Ford lost in! I'm guessing she might've won?

Either way, totally looking forward to the rivalry between Ford and Calamari lmaooo!!)

OKAY I LOVE THIS

Ibis is like "why are the hot ones always crazy"

Thank you for writing for my sad dumpling again!!! 💖💖

[i-will-go-with-you-five]

My Five Lore

Heyyyyy I thought it was finally time to make this post! I've been doing ZR for about nine months now and have been posting from the sidelines so I figured it was about time to introduce myself and Five. Just a little rundown on what my Five is like and her story and stuff. She's basically me, but with a couple things changed.

Apperance:

She’s on the shorter side- Sam is always putting his elbow on her shoulder to annoy her but she secretly loves it :) And pretty stocky but really strong. Simon challenged her to a lifting competition once and while he eventually won, she had him sweating and it was a close thing. She wears her hair in really long double Dutch braids, and has a round face with bright hazel green eyes and a big smile. She also wears really brightly colored gear, especially shoes, its a long-lasting joke with her and the other runners. She's unreasonably attached to axes and baseball caps, and is pretty much constantly wearing something Jody made her.

She has a couple of pretty faint nicks and slices on her hands, from before the apocalypse. She got those was first learning to butcher as a teenager. But since the outbreak, she's gotten a stab wound on her left shoulder, and permanent bruising on her shins. She's very susceptible to shin splints, but its the apocalypse, so it's not like she can properly rest and treat them.

[One day I will make the most beautiful drawing of her ever. One day.]

Background:

Five is basically me, with a couple things (appearance, where she lived, some family details, etc) changed. She lived in Northern Montana, a stone's throw away from Canada, and was doing college remotely while working on a farm that raised big animals, and took care of her nieces and nephews while her siblings were at work. That's why she's such a jack-of-all-trades, with book and street smarts, she had a very diverse range of skills due to how she grew up. I consider Five as an AU of myself if I had been thrust into the apocalypse, so personality and history-wise Five and I are similar, except for the trauma of the apocalypse, where she was on her own for almost four months after Z-Day, and hardened her a bit. Five's real name is Lydia, but not a single person besides her knows that.

Early Outbreak:

She went on a rare vacation with her best friend, Nina, and her best friend's family to London two days before the outbreak, in early November of 2023. The worst timing. One day she's on a plane, the next she's seeing Big Ben for the first time, and the day after that hundreds of people have turned, including Nina's family, and they're fleeing for their lives in the chaos.

The plan was for the two of them to try and contact Lydia's family and try to find a way to get home, but the phone lines were all down within a day. So they decided to just get out of the city. Nina got bitten when they were on the outskirts of London, after a week of them surviving together. Lydia stayed with her as she died. Nina begged Lydia to kill her zombie-self, but Lydia just couldn't do it- she fled instead. She decided to kill her name, Lydia, along with her friend's death. It was the only way she felt that she could mourn.

She was then on her own for about four months, and her circumstances really changed her. She'd always been a a happy and trusting person, but each person she tried to group up with ended up betraying her, in a multitude of ways. She threw up mental barriers and became pretty grim and trusted no one. She can talk, but only to people that she likes, and only to one or two people at a time. The bigger the crowd, the quieter she is. But when she gets in a place of being comfortable, she has a lot to say. But in those four months, she said less and less, to the point where some people assumed she was mute. She had to stifle who she was in order to survive, and it took a huge toll on her. The pain of her bottled-up emotions was buried deep.

She's a Christian, and the only thing that kept her going in the apocalypse was clinging onto Christ with all of her might, even if her faith had been shaken by what seemed like the end of the world. She just kept running and fighting for something greater than herself. Save the next person stuck in a building, even if they stole her supplies. Run supplies to different groups of people, even if they then beat her bloody and left her for the zombies. Lead a pack of zombies away from a guy trapped in a tree, even if he then throttled her neck and made it even harder to speak. Give a message to a radio outpost, even if they then dishonored their side of the agreement and held her at gunpoint, rather than just attempt to send airwaves to the States in search of her family. Because if she couldn't do the right thing, and try to stay faithful to her values and Jesus, what good was left in the world?

She ended up at Mullins because, once again, she got betrayed. A group of highway robbers caught her unawares, and she literally ran into some soldiers, who promised to just help her get out of the tight spot, but instead brought her to Mullins and enlisted her. Sour and panicked, she was so uncooperative to the point where they shipped her out to Abel for Project Greenshoot so they wouldn't have to deal with her anymore.

Getting to Abel:

While the apocalypse has been The Worst Thing Ever, getting her helicopter shot down was probably the best thing that ever happened to her in the apocalypse. It was the last thing that she expected, a rocket launcher barreling towards her, after everything she's already been through, and it shook her. For the first time since when she had a depressive episode as a preteen, she just simply wanted to die. Death seemed like the best option as she fell through the air to the sound of hungry zombies beneath her. Everything hurt too much. God wasn't answering her sobbing cries of help every night. She'd given it her all and it still wasn't enough. Gave far more than she took and got hurt every time. If she gave up, everything would just be easier. She was about to accept her death and simply let go of life. It wasn't like she had any friends or family left to love her anymore.

But when that voice crackled into her headset, urging her on and giving her a name, Five, which felt right in a way she couldn't explain, encouraging her- she knew she had to keep going. Life wasn't over yet. There was still hope. So she ran. And the longer that voice, Sam, spoke, the lighter she felt and the less emotionally exhausted she became. A voice in the back of her mind told her that this was the answer to her prayers for a friend, and for help. But she was still incredibly cautious. This seemed like the nicest person in the world, but what if he hurt her? What if she got betrayed again? After all, she knew nothing of who this Sam Yao was, beyond being awkward and sweet and kind of adorable. Wait, adorable? Where had that thought come from?

She wanted to be mistrustful of everyone at Abel when she got there, that was her intent. Especially after the doctor threatened to not let her in. But having those people show her kindness that she hadn't seen in months crumpled her barriers like wet paper. By the time her 8-week training was over she'd sunk right into Abel perfectly. Jody was her good friend who was always up for a hug and a story, Janine was smart and practical and reminded her of her older sister to the point where she started to treat Janine like an older sister, Eugene was a goofball who made bad jokes with her while sympathizing with what she'd been through, and Maxine was a God-send for figuring out how to turn off her survival mode again.

And during that time, she wanted to become friends with Sam, the voice who saved her, so badly. But he was wrapped up in grief from Alice's death. Which she understood. Nina's death still ate at her. Not to mention having no idea if her family was dead or alive. So even though it killed her, because this was the first time she'd wanted to have a friend in forever, she kept her distance to protect him from her brokenness. Because even though she'd lightened up, she still was a woman of few words who held all of her pain back from everyone. Even if that voice in her head saying Sam was God's answer to her problems got stronger and more insistent every day. And even if Maxine told her multiple times that Sam relied on her more than he could express or she could realize. She had to hold back.

Being a Runner: falling for each other

Until the night run in the dark. [fanfic one shot here that will eventually become a twoshot once I finish the post-run debrief.] Where all that slammed through Sam's head was I need a miracle for Five, and all that slammed through Five's was I'm running for Sam. And the moment she crashed into Sam's arms, him sobbing with relief and her sobbing with exhaustion and delirium, was the moment that she realized that she did, in fact, love Sam Yao. And for Sam, that was the moment he realized that he had to become her best friend. And the rest of that night was the first time Five told anyone about her past and her pain and what the apocalypse had been like for her. And Sam was there. As they talked and listened to one another was the moment they firmly became best friends.

Five’s love for Sam only grows in the next few months. But… she doesn’t know what to say, or even think honestly. She’s never been in love before. Ever. She’s, well, she’s scared. Which she knows is stupid. But what do you even say about something like that? ‘Hey Sam, you've chipped away at the hardened exterior that I was forced to adopt bit by bit, and I've become myself again, and you push me to be even better than I was every day. Also I am totally in love with you.'? So she says it in every way besides words. With each moment with Sam. Each gesture is her way of saying I love you. And she runs. For the same reasons as before- her faith. Her trust in God. Her putting goodness back into the terrible world. But now for another reason too. For Sam. For his voice. And even if he doesn't understand it, how he pushes her to trust in her faith even more. Her faith and trust in God are stronger than ever now and she's very strong in it and tries to shine that light to others.

Sam realizes that he loves Five when someone sends Five to die out of spite, as revenge. She's coming back into the gates, angry but not as angry as he is. He's ready to throw down with the person who did that to his runner. Then the way she just grasps his shoulders, locking eyes with him, and reminding him to breathe, he just- falls. So hard and so fast. He knew that this was coming. He's felt it growing since she came back brandishing supplies with the biggest smile in the world for the DnD campaign he was starting. But he ignored it. And now he can't anymore. Because it's Five. His Five. But what do you even say about something like that? ‘Hey Five, you mean everything to me, actually. You've given me something to fight for each day, given me hope when I've had none, and have helped me grow so much and overcome my doubts. I really, really, really love you, more than anyone or anything.’ So he tells her with his words, with every single thing he says. Every voice crack of fear or excitement over comms. Except those three, which are coincidentally, the most important ones. He talks, for the same reason as before. To protect the people he loves. But now for another reason too. For Five. For her running. For who she's pushed him to become. How she's taught him to fight for something even bigger than before.

There is an ending for their story (its REALLY good) but you're just gonna have to wait to read it until I'm done writing it tehehehe! It's more climactic that way. I'll link it here when it's done.

And there we go! A little bit about my Five and her story <3 Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed!!

[destinygoldenstar]

TRAILERRRRRR!!!!!

Okay, so Netflix DIDN'T lie. Confirmed.

I'm NOT as scared about the release date as others. I'm still worried. But I can also see it because from what I've heard, Episodes 2-4 were being made around the same time. So, by that logic, the quality should be similar.

"But why was there such a gap with 2 & 3 then?" MURDER DRONES WAS RELEASING ITS FINALE IN BETWEEN. THAT'S WHY. Some of the animators for Digital Circus work on Murder Drones too. So OF COURSE, to avoid overworking them, there'd be a gap for Digital Circus content.

And now that Murder Drones has ended, there's not that issue anymore.

That's the logic I'm going with, anyway. I would wait to raise the red flags till AFTER this episode comes out and we hear Episode 5 comes out in, like, a month or something.

I HOPE TO GOD THAT LINE AGES HORRIBLY.

Also, um... an episode about working minimum wage labor.

These episodes are built for me, I swear.

We also have the characters in different outfits, which is neat. Clearly just for this episode. Still.

I NOTICED THIS POSTER.

"Customer is always right! Serve with a smile!"

THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I HAVE BEEN TOLD THIS IS INSANE AND DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY NUTS.

I WOULD GET SCOFFED AT AND SCREAMED AT BY PEOPLE, AND I'M THE ONE THAT GETS IN TROUBLE.

We also have Ragatha and Gangle interacting.

I wonder why they're playing with a baseball specifically.

Because in the last episode the leisure activity played into the adventure.

JAX'S NAMETAG SAYS "I DON'T CARE"

LMAO

Gangle looks like she's been possessed by Monokuma.

This is DEFINATELY a new mask.

Here's my prediction:

Gangle has a background actress-related. (Comedy & Tragedy Mask Duality) And she is bullied CONSTANTLY in the previous episodes.

So when she's given the role of manager, she creates a new mask for herself, A NEW CHARACTER. One that gives her confidence and a character so ruthless that she can't be pushed around.

It's her spotlight. It's her time to shine.

So is the comedy&tragedy duality bipolar disorder?

We'll see. I got Kinger's mental issue wrong.

It could also be that Gangle is autistic. I KNOW AS AN AUTISTIC PERSON MYSELF. It's pretty easy for autistic people to latch onto a character they can bring to life in order to interact with people. But when provoked as themselves, confidence can easily break.

So no, I don't think she's being psychotic. I think she's putting on an act for her self esteem.

And I think whatever damage she causes in the episode will not have malicious intent from her.

I say this because we ALSO see her looking at herself in the mirror.

THIS IS ZOOBLE'S ROOM BTW. THAT'S INTERESTING.

Did Zooble loan Gangle this?

Assuming they did because we have THIS hand reach out to Gangle.

So what I'm thinking the start of the episode is: Gangle and Ragatha are playing baseball, by accident, the ball breaks Gangle's masks.

She's crying, she's writing, and then Zooble eavesdrops and offers to help.

And we know this is Zooble's hand because they're participating in the adventure with that hand.

YAY!

This guy is so stiffly animated. Or maybe it's just me.

Maybe there's a story reason for it. Idk.

They advertised this guy awhile back, said "He's everyone's favorite character".

I'm calling Glitch's bluff. I'm gonna say this guy is going to be VERY INTENTIONALLY written to be UNLIKEABLE, ANNOYING, AND MISERABLE.

And it's gonna be COMEDY GOLD to have Caine and the Circus go around exclaiming how he's the best.

CAINE GETTING THIS SUGGESTION BOX IS SO INTERESTING.

I THINK this is from Zooble.

After their therapy session, and Zooble saw first hand what could happen if Caine cuts adventures altogether, I can see Zooble making adventure suggestions that would be comfortable for them to participate in. To please Caine and to protect the circus from collapsing.

We're also getting Caine lore. BECAUSE WHERE IS THIS ROOM SUPPOSED TO BE? THIS LOOKS FAR TOO NORMAL.

AND WHAT IS POMNI DOING HERE CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR?

First off, I'm okay with her taking a backseat. She's the main character so obviously she'd get the lionshare of screen time. BUT there are other characters in this show and the show knows that. So as a Pomni Stan, I'm completely okay with this.

BUT is she snooping on Caine???

Two possibilities: One, this is just the burger place. Which is likely.

OR this is where Caine is, and she dips from the adventure to eavesdrop and figures out some lore stuff.

Not seeing her doing much else this episode anyway.

CAUSE LOOK AT THIS. SHE'S TRYING TO THROW AWAY SOMETHING AND GETS CAUGHT BY GANGLE? SHE HIDING S&#T DOG.

THE GLOINK QUEEN IS BACK.

Probably as just a cameo. BUT THE GLOINK QUEEN IS BACK.

Hmmmm... if the Gloink Queen is coming back, I wonder if someone else could show up...

[midnight-mourning]

❄️MIDNIGHT'S DCA DECEMBER❄️

Hello! I've decided to have a little bit of fun this December and will be opening up requests for the month! Please see below for more details (With subheadings!):

Requests Overall

I will have 31 slots available for requests, first come, first serve. Each piece will range from 1000-2000 words in length and may (MAY) include a little doodle made by me.

Requests can be anything! They just have to be winter/holdiay themed (do NOT have to be releated to Christmas) and DCA-related

Winter/holiday themed means movies/stories too! Ex: i am a BIG fan of The Nutcracker (went insane when I saw @/robinette-green's au for the Barbie version lmao)

As most know I am an X reader writer, but as long as my general request rules are followed, I don't mind writing for ocs, canon, etc. 

For those who don't know my rules, no nsfw (suggestive is FINE), and if you want something specific, be specific. Besides that, it's fair game, request what you want

Potential Issues & Schedule

If there is overlap between request ideas, they will be combined in some manner of speaking (if possible). If needed, I will reach out to you about adjusting ideas or the likes, though I don't forsee this happening. This would occur if for example, someone wants gift shopping with Sun with their oc, and someone else wants the same thing with a reader-insert. Whoever requested second would be who I reach out to. 

I will be posting these throughout December, ending on the 31st

In order to have enough time to write, I will be starting these as soon as I get the first request. To speed things up a little, requests will be open from 11/29 to 12/13 OR until I receive 31 unique requests. So that's maximum two weeks to think of an idea and share it with me. 

If I don't get enough overall or get anything prior to Dec. 1 I'll probably come up with some ideas of my own, but only if that happens! Additionally, if I don't get enough, I may open it up for people to request multiple times, again only if I don't get enough or run out of ideas (genuinely don't know how many I should expect so just trying to cover my bases lol)

To keep things organized, please request in the comments of this post. This also helps to potentially keep from overlap in requests, as you'll be able to see what else has already been requested. If you request in my ask box or such it'll make things a bit more difficult, so please avoid that.

HOWEVER, there is one exception to the above, which is if you wish to request anonymously, which is completely fine to do! But please only request in my ask box if you want to be anonymous. If overlap happens in that case, then y'all may just get two responses with similar vibes on the same day (essentially a bonus lol)

Confused Spirit

For those who may be concerned (as I was before making this post lmao) Confused Spirit's schedule will not be affected by this! Now that it's back I'd like it to stay back lol. We may stick to an every two weeks schedule for a bit, or may go back to weekly, it will depend on life stuff, not on other writing things. I promise ^_^

Having little things like these also help prevent writers block, and thus stay more consistent with updates

Sharing & More

Please feel free to share this post around, and request if you want to! Once I hit 31 unique ones I'll reblog this post with the announcement that requests are closed, so make sure to double check they aren't closed already prior to requesting!

I'll also post updates every couple of days regarding the status of total requests as well ^_^

Unrelated but similar, @/quilteddreams is working on a DCA Advent Calendar for December that's also really cool! (I'm helping out with beta reading :D) Highly reccommend you check it out once it starts posting! 

Everything related to this will be under the tag #MM dca December, just in case there's another similar tag out there and I'm not just taking it for myself

Alright, that's all for now, excited to see what you guys ask for!

Adding the tag list to this since y'all enjoy my writing lol:

@scarletcowboy @beemyhuneybee @fishm0ther @deviouscrackers @elsajoyagent8

@luckyyyduckyyy @zenkaiankoku @jogimote @local-shrub @amarynthian-chronicles

@robinette-green @everlightreader @sinister-sincerely @starredeclipse @dangerva

@juukai

[rebeccathenaturalist]

Today I slept in too late. But as I was groggily bringing myself back to wakefulness, remembering the day, I found myself thinking not of current events or of work that needs to be done or cooking and cleaning and other domestic chores, but of waking up in a life that is absolutely suffused with love.

Love of the sort where I grew up being told every day how much I was loved, being shown that I as a person was worthwhile and wanted, raised by a family who were interested in me and liked being around me and let me know that every day in so many ways.

Love of the sort where, though I haven't been in a church in decades, I still remember the overarching messages in childhood of a priest and a nun and a teacher or three, where the guilt-edged images of hellfire and brimstone were set aside and instead there was nothing but love for thy neighbor no matter who they may be or from whence they came, and encouragement--the ghost of St. Francis, perhaps--for my fierce love of even the tiniest of living beings upon this planet.

Love of the sort where my partner of over a decade and I tell each other sometimes dozens of times every day "I love you", slipped into our speech and our mannerisms and our actions as casually as taking a step forward into the room, punctuating our sentences with those words and synonyms thereof, spoken wordlessly in small acts of kindness and consideration and remembering what will make each other happy--and often spoken aloud anyway, just to add one more layer of comfort and closeness to our time together.

Love of the sort where I immerse myself in the beauty of a world that, fragmented and desperate though it may be at times, still calls me forth into its wild and diverse community of vibrant life, where something deep in my heart thrums and reaches outward to meet a long-lost family in endless numbers--what Wilson, perhaps, spoke of as "biophilia"--and an ache that only subsides when there is green and open and so many varied neighbors by my side every step of the way.

Love of the sort where gentleness steps aside for ferocity, where passivity gives way to determination, where despair steps aside for the sowing of hope, where I look upon the world's ills and injustices and think "This cannot be," where I tell and show people I've never met and will never meet just how much their very existence means to me, where I get my hands dirty in the loam and the litter in order to bring forth life again, where my every action says "I love you" to a land that has given me so, so much down to the electrons that whirl together in the dance that is my body.

Love of the sort where I am reminded that in spite of the existence of hate and greed and indifference and banality and fear and a short-sightedness that meets insecurity with control, that there are so many people who still defiantly burst with love in countless ways, who glow like fireflies in the grass and on the wing in the darkness, who offer never-ending reminders of--as the artist Arch Budzar wrote--"the strange ways love will find you again, again, again..."

Love of the sort where I cannot help but open myself fully to it and fight for its continued thriving in this beautiful, singular world, where there was no other way I could have turned out when soaked in a life of love for so long, bolstered by hope and determination and care and all the things which drive me to--life willing, many years from now--leave the only life I've ever known, and all my abundant and varied relations, better than when I first arrived here.

[walkingstackofbooks]

I know this is cursed but. Please rank DS9 characters in order of how Dominant or submissive they’d be during kink scenes? I feel like we could write whole essays analysing what those guys do in bed tbh.

Oh my god, cackling, is this really what you all think of me? :P (Yeah, no, that's fair 🤣)

This was actually so interesting to think about! I was finding it very hard difficult to decide on an order on initial vibes alone, so I wrote up my headcanons for them all first - and a few of them are surprising even to me! Also there are so many switches/not really into it so the middle is really very fuzzy.

1 - Ezri Yeah, definitely a surprise to find her at the top of my list, but I so really think she'd get a kick out of the dom scene (and mostly dislike subbing). She's just got that quiet powerful energy that makes you want to be in her thrall, and being joined and having Jadzia's memories alongisde her own just makes her more confident that she's good at what she does. She wouldn't dom for brats though. (Also partly why she's so nervous at asking Julian out, she doesn't feel she's got a good read on his dom/sub energy...)

2 - Sisko If he was into it, I can only see him as a dom. He made captain because he's good at commanding, and he likes it, and I think that would carry through into the bedroom. But honestly, he probably wouldn't be interested in power play in the first place.

3 - Jadzia She's a great dom for sure, but I think she enjoys exploring new things way too much not to be a switch? Plus, Worf like to think he's a dom, and she's happy to humour him from time to time. More dom than not, though, and she's definitely a brat when she subs.

4 - Worf I've definitely said this before, but Worf thinks he's a dom. He's a Klingon warrior, etc etc etc, "obviously" if anyone's domming, it's him. I don't think he's that good at it, but Jadzia finds it endearing, so it's fine. And I think he likes it when Jadzia takes charge, but he never actually refers to that as "subbing" in his head... Idk, I just don't think he'd be able to relax enough to really let himself be submissive, even though I think he'd enjoy it if he were able to. (I also don't think he's particularly into power play, either, tbh)

5 - Garak Ohh, another difficult one... I think subbing would be really good for him, if he could let his guard down enough for it. And he'd have to be in the right mood to dom - at times, he'd really enjoy it, at others, it would hit too close to home and he'd be holding off a breakdown until whenever his partner left. I think he'd *want* to dom, though, even if he knows it'll trigger him, because he does enjoy breaking the other person down and hurting them. (Not that he'd think of it as "triggering" to himself, of course.)

6 - Odo I really cannot see him being into it. No rating. [Edit: I came back to re-evaluate after writing Kira but no. Even for her, it's really not something he wants to try.] [Edit: Fuck, he would dom for Quark though.]

7 - Miles Again, not sure he'd be into power play for itself, but he enjoys playing his role for a partner who's into it. Keiko, I think is a switch with a slight preference for domming, so he's been a sub more often than not. I think his favourite part of it is giving aftercare when he's been a dom :3 (something something good-cop-Miles-bad-cop-Keiko domming the hell out of a dazed Julian)

8 - Julian Disclaimer - I exclusively read sub!Julian, so I'm biased XD But trying to think about it objectively... I think he's a switch. Like Jadzia, he enjoys exploring new things too much to really stick to one or the other. I do think he'd have hangups over how much he enjoys domming though, what with his secret fear of going bad... And being a sub allows him to relax and not have to think and just relish in all the sensations and I think he'd love being slowly taken apart bit by bit...

9 - Kira Sure, she screams dom at first but I pegged her as a sub a few weeks back and now I've really talked myself into it. I think she could dom, but unlike Sisko, while she's very good at being in command, I don't think she intrinsically enjoys it, and letting someone else be in control would give her the chance to relax. It would take her a while to allow herself to explore it, but once she got there, she'd find a space where she can be soft and gentle and cherished - and hurt, and soothed.

10 - Quark Oh my god he's such a sub, right? Not that he'd ever tell anyone but he LOVES being told what to do and ordered around. In theory he's a brat, but it never lasts for long - he becomes a pliant submissive wreck too quickly. (Okay now I'm considering if Odo would break his definitely not rule for Quark and... Yeah, actually 😅 Why would their dynamic change just because they're having sex?)

[pleasanttaleexpert]

I am an adult... With adult money... I have restraint... I- I have.... I can restrain...

I'm obsessing over the fact that Volcarona sits perfectly in my hand, I could throw that mf like a damn baseball!

Anyways work on the comic is slow but being made, I've downgraded the background slightly so that I have more time to focus on my studies and the actual center focus of the comic, lol. Might be done around next week but don't hold me to that.

[faithfromanewperspective]

need a private tumblr to be an outlet for feelings had while activisming

[emometalhead]

.

[scary-ivy]

The first song I ever wrote*, back in 2013. That means I was like 16 at the time and I want say it shows, but the truth is I haven't gotten any less melodramatic since then.

[beeseverywhen]

Been reading about underground bins in Liverpool and also how now they don't need the alleys for bins in some places they've cleaned them up and put like plants and seating in them so they can sit with their neighbours and wow I'm having intense feelings of envy. I don't know what I want more, underground bins or a clean alley lol

[babblish]

absolutely no pressure to answer this, and this ask is only born of curiosity, but what was the 'sibling' peace you mentioned during ordership week?

(once again no pressure at all to answer, i know there's an..... amount of 💿🐴 (disk-horse) surrounding that whole topic haha)

I... I... Anon, if you're talking about my end note on the 🔞 art piece, by "sibling piece" I meant a diptych and to the best of my knowledge there's no discourse surrounding those, at least in fandom spaces.

Basically in the middle of the process of creating the first (and to date the only) piece I had this fanciful notion of using what I had already done and tweaking a few details resulting in two structurally similar but contextually distinct artworks. You know, in much the same way Observatory Musings B-side and A-side are sibling pieces, just in text in form.

😔I'm sorry for the english language if there has been some form of misunderstanding. It's after 1 am for me and there's a strong possibility I'm making a fool of myself, but in fairness I'm absolutely excellent at that at all hours of the day.

[bluethedream]

wanna crawl off to a dark corner and never leave

[buttercupshands]

Thinking about what happened in the summer

Kids are... Really different when it comes to spending three weeks without their parents

Some start crying near the end of first day

Some start crying after couple of days

And some don't show anything while feeling the same

And being... I think English has a good word for that, let's go with a teacher but mix it with caretaker a little bit

I think seeing a kid cry at the end of that first day finally short circuited my brain, teens are way harder to understand that pre-teens who are literally still kids

They come around after a week, settle down and find new friends and your job stays the same mostly to be the one controlling their behavior

And then you'd have a kid crying again, because they miss home and the only thing you can really do is comfort them that they're not stuck here forever and that time flows so fast they won't notice it

And maybe they didn't. Time really did flew and they were leaving

Parents visited kids sometimes, of course, and it was so scary at first but they were mostly friendly and nice

Maybe because of that group chat that let them see that their kids are fine and are having fun

In the end for kids it was painful at first, but fun in the end. I got hugged more times than I could count when they were all leaving

And then poof

Back to your own life you go, like nothing happened

[usodeshou]

I had many things that I had considered doing today, most of it just being some chill video gaming, if I'm really honest. And I did get to do some. Then I started feeling sick.

I thought to myself, oh well, that silly motion sickness again, guess I'mma take a break 🙃

Turns out, wasn't just the motion sickness, though.

Spent the next hour and a half using my toilet as an echo chamber for creative voice lessons. Switched it up every now and again, just to keep things interesting, but the sound was just too good, so I kept coming back for encores. Realised the toilet might be cursed because I could not move away from it for more than a few meters or a few minutes before having to return.

Messaged my mom, who kindly brought me something to help break the curse.

Then spent the next three hours in a curled up position on my bedroom floor, on the carpet right next to my bed (bed would have been to soft), head on my fluffiest pillow, and underneath a warm, cuddly blanket, finally getting some rest and sleeping off the exhaustion.

When it all started it was early afternoon. The sun has now set. I am finally sitting back on the couch, munching on some insanely good pretzel sticks and drinking tea. Feel utterly serene. Could murder someone for a good, cheesy pizza right now, but that might be the devil talking.